#it’s just so satisfying i cannot cast aside this desire no matter how hard i try

[femmeofhearts]

don’t try to get with me if you’re not willing to let me fully gnaw on you. i’m tired of this “you bite too hard” bs just let me chew on you like ang ang ang

[yan-twst]

Hello. I hope you're having a good day. Would it be alright if you do the alphabet thing with Jade Leech please? It's fine if you don't want to though.

once again, long post so it goes under the cut! warnings for mentions of drowning in this one

Affection: How do they show their love and affection? How intense would it get?

Jade plays his gentleman act quite carefully and meticulously. In public (before isolating his darling), he'd limit himself to kisses to the back of their hand or putting his arm around their shoulder. He likes to still tease with his "gentelmanly" act behind closed door, but the way he speaks doesn't match the voracity which he has when he kisses his darling.

Blood: How messy are they willing to get when it comes to their darling?

He won't eliminate people unless it's strictly needed- if his darling's friends and family don't come poking their noses into his relationship, he won't feel the need to track them down. However, nosey people will mysteriously dissapear- it's not like people search underwater caves for bodies, you know?

Cruelty: How would they treat their darling once abducted? Would they mock them?

He would highly preffer his darling to give in to his advances and love already, but he does reckon half the fun of love is getting there. He'd only tease and be mean if his darling was snarky- it's probably infuriating for them to be chained down and unable to escape while Jade talks down on them with his usual calm smile.

Darling: Aside from abduction, would they do anything against their darling’s will?

No way, he's a gentleman! ... well, he is one as long as people are looking, anyways. While he certainly wouldn't have his way with an unwilling darling, he doesn't see any problem with coersion or threats to make his darling more willing to accept his advances. Likewise, he won't ask for permission for things he considers "minor", like hugging, kisses to the neck, and such.

Exposed: How much of their heart do they bare to their darling? How vulnerable are they when it comes to their darling?

He won't entirely drop all his pretenses and suddenly lay bare for his darling- that's just not who he is. He will speak his mind from time to time, and if his darling is keen they might pick up on certain insecurities of his. He's absolutely not expecting his darling to care about his emotions- seeing as he's abducted them and has given them no choice but to love him- but if they did, it would certainly make him open up more often.

Fight: How would they feel if their darling fought back?

He'd think his darling is just being plain foolish. He's not Floyd, sure, but he does have his strenght, you know? Besides, his darling should know that he has Azul and his twin on his side: a single human couldn't do much against the trio. He'd scold them like if they were a child, and get irked whenever they continue trying. His darling should certainly stop stretching his parience!

Game: Is this a game to them? How much would they enjoy watching their darling try to escape?

It is and it isn't at the same time. He does find some enjoyment from watching his darling struggle helplessly, and it is particularly delicious to see them exhaust themselves to the point they just simply give in to his affections- but at the same time, he does want to build a future one day. He'd very much love it if his darling mellowed down enough so he could go hiking with them without having to be looking out for escape attempts.

Hell: What would be their darling’s worst experience with them?

The most patient people snap in the ugliest ways, and he's no exception. If his darling tried to squash all his dreams for the future, or constantly talked about other people to try and purposely make him jealous, he'd drop all pretenses of being a civilized gentleman. He'd have no qualms holding his darling underwater until they're in the brink of drowning, then letting them back up- only to push them down again. It's torture, but he'll keep going until they either pass out, or he's satisfied with his work.

Ideals: What kind of future do they have in mind for/with their darling?

He can't decide if he wants to turn his darling into a mermaid and return to the coral sea, or find a little cottage in the mountains. Ideally, he'd like both- perhaps living the winters in land (since his darling wouldnt be used to the frigid underwater temperatures) and the summers in the ocean. He knows he and his darling cannot have biological children- after all, his body is just not built to mate with humans, regardless of if his darling can even bear children or not- but he would perhaps think of taking one in, just to complete his little family.

Jealousy: Do they get jealous? Do they lash out or find a way to cope?

He does get jealous quite often, but he mostly just deals with it in silence. He knows it's inevitable people will talk about his darling or mention missing them, and that killing or maiming everyone who does this would be insane. Again, he'll only hurt people who stick their nose into his business- and people who express too much interest in his darling.

Kisses: How do they act around or with their darling?

Most of what he knows of human courtships comes from books and legends, so he'll try very hard to be his darling's very own fairtytale lover. He doesn't see why his obsessive tendencies and the gentle love describes in most folk tales can't be combined- isn't it the greatest expression of love to keep his darling just for himself? He'll be very warm and caring as long as his darling behaves properly.

Love letters: How would they go about courting or approaching their darling?

Again, all his knowledge on human courting comes from books and myths, so he begins his aproaches in a very fairytale like fashion. In the beginning, he's a picture perfect gentleman: bringing flowers, walking his darling home, candlelit dinners in the lounge- the works. It's not until his obsession starts growing that he becomes more and more possesive.

Mask: Are their true colors drastically different from the way they act around everyone else?

Some people definitely suspect his gentleman act is just a fake mask, but he does want to behave nicely from time to time. He definitely still acts like a gentleman some of the times with his darling- specifically when they're not being troublesome. He does however, have a bit of a darker side; he'll take some sick pleasure in watching his darling squirm and cry for help- but he does try to not show that too much.

Naughty: How would they punish their darling?

He isn't big on hitting or casting painful spells- once the adrenaline wears down and he sees what he did, he always feels sick to his stomach. He preffers more classic, less direct methods: complete and utter isolation until his darling is begging for him, taking away all the entertainment his darling has, and more extreme methods like waterboarding.

Oppression: How many rights would they take away from their darling?

First of all, he doesn't want them going out. If it's absolutely necessary, he'll make sure they're dressed in baggy, inconspicuous clothing so nobody takes notice of them: and or course, he's there by their side the entire time. Second of all, he wants them to cut all communication with the outside world. It's better for them to forget their friends, after all- once they're taken to the Coral Sea, the chances of seeing them again are null.

Patience: How patient are they with their darling?

His darling is lucky he's such a patient man. He can take more tantrums, escape attempts, screams and tears than most- it's almost infuriating how calm he can remain most of the time.

Quit: If their darling dies, leaves, or successfully escapes, would they ever be able to move on?

It's an easy question- he wouldn't recover. His darling is one of the few people he considered himself to be truly close with, and losing them would deal a huge blow to him. It'd get bad enough that even trying to act like his usual self would be impossible- but he'd also vehemently refuse to speak of his sadness with anyone.

Regret: Would they ever feel guilty about abducting their darling? Would they ever let their darling go?

No, and no. He thinks his darling should be flattered by how intense his love is; they just need to adapt. Logically he knows humans don't like being caged up, but he's willing to make his darling lose that liberty so he can properly take care of them and love them.

Stigma: What brought about this side of them (childhood, curiosity, etc)?

He has no clue why he's fallen in love so deeply and in such a dark way, it just happened. This isn't the first time he's taken a romantic interest in someone, but never before had he felt such an obsession with the object of his desires, nor had he felt so many twisted impulses towards them. He has no idea what brought on this change: perhaps this is how true love feels like?

Tears: How do they feel about seeing their darling scream, cry, and/or isolate themselves?

It's tiring and he claims he doesn't like it, but... Truthfully he does get some twisted pleasure from watching his darling go through these dark periods. Just knowing their struggle is so hopeless, and that no matter what he's the only one they have- especially since he knows once his darling is exhausted of crying, they won't even complain if he takes them into his arms.

Unique: Would they do anything different from the classic yandere?

Classic yanderes are known to act "unhinged" or show a dark and violent side to their darling- Jade tries not to. He wants to be a good lover and have his darling run to him for safety and care (even if those emotions are... Fake, to an extent), so he'll work hard to make his darling feel dependant on him.

Vice: What weakness can their darling exploit in order to escape?

If his darling managed to fool him into thinking they'd settled down, accepted their fate and loved him, he would start letting down his guard just a bit. Not enough for them to escape right away; they'd need for Jade to decide they're calm and docile enough to take out on a hike or a date- and once out, there'll be a small chance his darling will be able to dash away and seek help. They better find someone strong or an authority as fast as they can once they run- otherwise the second Jade catches up, he'll tear apart whoever tried to help his darling.

Wit’s end: Would they ever hurt their darling?

He desperately tries not to unless it's absolutely needed. He wants his darling to see him as a loving figure- but punishments are a necessity sometimes...

Xoanon: How much would they revere or worship their darling? To what length would they go to win their darling over?

To him, his darling is the most beautiful person alive. He wants his darling to see themselves as he sees them; a beautiful, fragile and captivating person. He'll always make sure to remember them of all of these facts. If he gets his hands on a spell to turn his darling into a mermaid, he'd be quick to try and make them feel comfortable in their new form. He just loves his darling and wants to make sure they know!

Yearn: How long do they pine after their darling before they snap?

He lasts about a couple of months in love before confessing, then a good period of "normal" dating. He wanted to make sure everything was perfect- he didn't want to give in to his ugly impulses right away, but he knew he'd have to, eventually.

Zenith: Would they ever break their darling?

No, and he'd be careful not to. He loves his darling as they are- he just wants them to be more obedient to him and love him, not break them entirely. He would take great care to not end up crushing his darling's soul, trying his best to slowly acclimate them to their new life as his lover.

[jade4813]

Like Moths to a Flame, Chapter 12

Fandom: North and South

Title: Like Moths to a Flame

Rating: NC-17

Pairing: John/Margaret

Synopsis: “I hope you realize that any foolish passion for you on my part is entirely over.“ Margaret decides to confront John about his unjust judgment of her character, but the two have always been drawn to each other, and things quickly get out of hand. In the aftermath, she agrees to marry him to satisfy propriety, but she cannot forget how ready he was to believe the worst of her. Can love survive without trust, or will the two find a way to work through the misunderstandings that have plagued their relationship from the start?

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Chapter 9

Chapter 10

Chapter 11

John Thornton was not a man prone to vacillation or prevarication, once he had reached a decision. Indeed, his experience indicated that no unpalatable task had ever become more agreeable through the passage of time and procrastination, and so he tended to tackle the most unpleasant of assignments all the quicker, to have them over and done with once and for all. To go back upon a decision, made only upon due contemplation and deliberation, after all the facts were obtained and considered with the gravity each deserved, would be an indignity, an act of dishonor. And for John, the binds of honor, the demands of duty and responsibility, were not theoretical concepts but concrete mandates, which had formed and shamed him into the man he was today. Personal preference and selfish desire didn’t merely take a distant second to the demands of his duty to ensure the happiness and well-being of those around him; they had no bearing upon the matter at all.

And yet, over a month passed, and he could not bring himself to compose the letter that would break his heart, which would separate him from his wife, possibly forever. His attempts to console himself for his action only brought him further frustration, darkening his mood and instilling in him an irascible temperament, prone to snapping at any who drew near. Even his mother, who normally could be assured of safe harbor from even his darkest of moods, had nearly been the recipient of a sharp word or two, had he not bitten them back in the nick of time. Only Margaret was certain to avoid his irritability, as his ill temper did not overcome his concern for her in her grief, or his desire to buffer her from greater unhappiness. With her, he remained gentle, seeking refuge in work when finding himself with uncertain temperament, rather than risk imposing upon her with his foul mood.

He was standing above the mill floor, overseeing the work in progress, when his mother entered the workroom. To his surprise, she didn’t begin her inspection of workers and machines, as was her usual custom. Instead, she tilted her head back to gaze upon him, her jaw set in a stubborn line. She stood still, waiting for him, and he masked his grimace as he headed to the stairs to join her. As was too often the case as of late, he had been disagreeable at breakfast, glowering at his plate and speaking little, and he was certain that her patience was at an end.

He moved to her side, and the two walked in silence to office, so as not to be overheard by the workers. As the door closed behind them, he expected her to take him to task for his behavior, but she remained silent, her gaze expectant. Moving behind his desk, he wasted no time on pleasantries. “I’m sorry, Mother. I know I’ve had a foul temper lately. I’ve no right to take it out on others.”

“Is it the bank loan?” she asked, sounding concerned, rather than accusatory.

He shook his head. Looking away, he explained, “Before he left, Bell suggested he take Margaret to London, to take her mind off her grief. I’ve decided to accept his offer.” He didn’t mention that this determination had been undermined by his inability to put such acceptance into words. Instead, he waited for his mother’s response, certain that she would express unequivocal agreement with this course of action.

To his astonishment, however, his mother said nothing, prompting him to look at her once more. In a quiet voice, she asked, “How long do you intend for her to be away?”

He sucked in a deep breath. “Indefinitely.” Only the slightest quirk of her eyebrows betrayed her reaction to this revelation. “I thought you would be overjoyed at this news. I know you disapprove of her.” She glanced away with a scowl, crossing her arms over her chest. “I’ve disappointed you,” he remarked in mild surprise, having never drawn his mother’s disfavor before.

Her eyes darted back to his, and she stepped around the desk, reaching for him. As he sank into his chair, she cupped his face in her hands, forcing him to meet her gaze. “Never,” she swore fiercely. “No mother has more cause for pride than I. But all your life, you have looked after others. The workers. Fanny. And don’t think I don’t see all that you’ve done for me. Your bride is the first thing you’ve ever truly wanted for yourself alone, and now you intend to send her away?”

“She doesn’t love me!” he protested miserably. “How can I demand she remain, when I know it will only bring her misery?”

“How is she to realize her love for you from London?” she argued, holding him in place when he would have drawn away. As though the words were torn from her chest, relinquished only with reluctance, she continued, “Margaret is proud. And vain. And I cannot pretend to love her for it.” There was the slightest moment of hesitation before she acknowledged in a dry tone, “But she is not alone in either, and she has as much right to both as any Thornton, I suppose. Sometimes pride makes it hard to recognize love, even when it’s truly felt.”

At this, he did pull away, yanking out of her grasp as he stood and stepped past her, not wanting to hear her words when he could not believe in them. She, however, refused to relinquish the point. “She cares for you, John. Whether or not either of you see it.”

He stormed to the other side of the room, keeping his back to his mother so she wouldn’t see the pain on his face. “Believe me when I say that isn’t true,” he snapped. “And I won’t keep her here against her will, when her heart would wish her elsewhere!”

“She agreed to marry you, to build a life here in Milton, and she’s never been one to do anything she didn’t wish to do. Do you trust her judgment so little, to think she’d be happier to be sent away?” He froze, the words tearing at him. He hadn’t asked her, having overheard enough to know of her regret. Was his mother right? Was there a chance Margaret would prefer to remain in Milton, for all the pain that it had brought her? As though recognizing his indecision, his mother urged him, “You mustn’t send her away. It won’t make either of you happy.”

Lost in his thoughts, he didn’t notice when she slipped out of his office to return to her duties on the mill floor. Instead, he remained where he was, cast into self-doubt by his mother’s words, uncertain that his present course of action was the right one.

He was still in his office a short time later, when there was a light knock on the door. He lifted his head from his musings just as it swung open and rose to his feet when Margaret stepped inside, a mug in her hand. “I don’t mean to intrude,” she told him in greeting, with a soft, uncertain smile. “I was down to see Mary in the kitchens and thought you might be thirsty.” He made no move to reach for the mug, and so she admitted, “That was my excuse, at any rate. If you want to know the truth, I just wanted to see you.”

As he often did in her presence, he felt himself slip into a more agreeable frame of mind. Tilting his head to the side, he chided her gently, “You need no excuse to come see me, Margaret.”

“Perhaps not,” she agreed with a relieved smile, stepping toward him. “But you’ve been working so hard, I didn’t want to intrude.”

“I haven’t meant to neglect you,” he offered in apology, longing to draw her into his arms but not allowing himself the pleasure. He was still painfully conscious of her grief and his intentions, which left him uncertain of his reception. His mother’s words haunted him, daring him to broach the subject of Margaret’s departure. Knowing it likely that she would be excited at the prospect of leaving Milton. And him.

She shook her head, her eyes contemplative as he stepped around his desk to relieve her of the mug she carried. “You’ve been preoccupied, worried about more than the state of the mill.” When he looked at her in surprise, she explained, “You’re my husband now. I think I’m coming to understand you a little, at least.” She paused and then added, “I was hoping you would talk to me.”

He nodded slowly, recognizing the fruitlessness of evasion, even if it wasn’t against his nature to make the attempt. Unable to look at her as he continued, he busied himself by moving some papers aside on his desk to make room for the mug she had brought him. “It’s true, I’ve had a great deal on my mind,” he began. “This business at the mill is taking up much of my time. I’ve been wondering if you might not prefer to be in London.”

“Oh!” Her soft cry of surprise and consternation compelled his attention once more, though she looked away from him under the weight of his regard. Choosing her words with great deliberation, she replied, “I suppose…if you think it best…I would like to see my cousin again. I could write to her today. How long of a visit should I suggest?”

When he didn’t reply immediately, she returned her gaze to his. “Oh,” she breathed again, as a dawning comprehension overtook her features. “I didn’t – you weren’t suggesting a visit. You intend to send me away.” He winced as the words hit her mark, unable to argue against the truth of them, even though the starkness of her statement was more terrible than the idea had sounded in his mind.

Afraid she might misunderstand, he tried to explain, “Milton has brought you little joy. I thought you might be happier in London than you’ve been here.”

Her temper rising, she crossed her arms across her chest, her face flushed with emotion. “Is your suggestion meant to ensure my happiness or your own?” Before he could reply, she continued, “I knew my mind when I took you for a husband. I thought we understood each other! I didn’t realize that you thought you were buying a bride you could send away the moment she became inconvenient for you!”

It was not the first time she had accused him of mercenary intent, and he felt his hands shake as he stalked toward her. “You say you thought we understood each other, but you still think so little of me, that I can only think of buying and selling because I’m in trade!” he spat.

Unlike so many others, his Margaret did not recoil from his fit of temper. Then again, she never had, neither flinching nor backing away as she demanded, “What else am I to think, when you’re so willing to send me away like some – some bale of cotton that has displeased you?” She pressed forward, offering him no mercy. “I wondered if honor might not be a sufficient comfort, and you might not come to regret your proposal one day. I didn’t realize it would happen so soon!”

Her words tore through him, flaming his anger with the injustice in her accusation. Straightening, he looked down his nose at her as he growled, “You’re mistaken. I’m not the one who regrets our marriage, Margaret. It isn’t my desire I seek to satisfy in sending you to London but your own.”

Her countenance, once flushed with her ire, rearranged into an expression of irritable confusion. “I don’t know what you mean. I have no—”

He was ready to explain about the conversation he had overheard, until a knock at the door interrupted them. Clutching his hands into fists at his side, he spun to face the offending intruder, barking a loud, “Enter!”

The door opened to reveal Nicholas Higgins on the other side, his expression calm and placid, although he must have heard the raised voices from his position in the hall. “Beggin’ your pardon, but there’s a problem with one of the machines.”

“I’ll be there shortly—” John began, but Margaret, her color still high with the force of her emotion, spoke over him.

“No, it’s all right. I’ll go. You have work, and I’d hate to inconvenience the Master of Marlborough Mills.”

Nicholas quirked an eyebrow slightly at this parting shot, but his face betrayed no other thoughts as she stormed past him, striding quickly into the hall. As her skirt disappeared around the corner and the rapid sound of her footfalls faded, John picked up the mug she’d brought him and hurled it against the wall, feeling no satisfaction when it landed with a loud crack and tumbled to the ground, spilling its contents upon the floor. It was perhaps possible that he could have handled that entire situation worse than he had, but he couldn’t at present imagine how.

Several hours later, he returned to the house, physically exhausted from his strenuous day, and emotionally spent from his earlier argument with his wife. With an early appointment looming in the morning, he knew he should hurry to bed, to catch what sleep he may. However, he found himself lingering downstairs, seeking consolation in the bottom of a glass of stronger spirits than he usually indulged. He barely tasted the first glass of the amber liquid as he tossed it back in a single swallow before pouring himself another, this time intending to savor the fiery liquid.

With a fierce yank, he untied his cravat, leaving the rumpled fabric looped around his neck as he shrugged out of his coat, tossing it aside. Then, rolling up his sleeves, he paced before the fire, his thoughts giving him no peace. Bracing one hand upon the mantle, he bowed his head, taking another sip of his drink as he stared at the dying embers with sightless eyes.

He remained that way for he knew not how long, until sound behind him that drew his attention. He knew what he would find before he even turned, finding to find Margaret in the doorway. Her feet were bare, toes curling into the carpet, her night-rail providing scant protection from the cool night air. Seeing her shiver, he reached for the coat he’d discarded on the back of a chair and stepped forward to wrap it around her shoulders before stepping back to give her space. “I hope I didn’t wake you,” he said, the words sounding inane, even to his own ears.

“I couldn’t sleep,” she replied in a soft voice. “I was waiting for you.”

“Forgive me. I meant to return sooner.” He didn’t know how to reach her, how to breach this great divide that had grown between them. A divide of his own making, he feared.

She rocked back and forth on her heels, but she didn’t approach, pulling the folds of his coat tightly around her body. “Do you truly wish to send me away, John?” Unable to answer, he turned away. “Will we never come to understand each other?”

They never would, until they could find the strength and courage that honesty required. There were so many things left unsaid between them. Perhaps it was time for him to set aside his pride and bring those secrets into the light. What had he to lose? He could not fear her hatred, when he had never had her love. “No. I don’t wish you to leave,” he admitted. “I could never truly wish for that.”

He heard her move closer, felt the gentle pressure of her hand upon his arm, but he did not turn. He didn’t want her to see his shame. “Then why are you sending me away?”

“The mill will likely close soon. We’ll lose this house. I made you a promise, when you agreed to be my wife, and I didn’t want you to see how I’ve failed you.”

She let out a sharp cry, increasing the pressure of her hand until he turned toward her, although his face remained averted. She reached to touch him, moving closer when he flinched away. “You haven’t failed me. Do you think I haven’t seen how you’ve tried to care for your workers? How hard you’ve tried? Whatever happens with the mill, you’re a good man, John Thornton. I didn’t see that when I first came to this place, but I do now. I’m proud to have you as my husband. Don’t you see that?”

He didn’t see, but he wanted to believe it. She was kind, as she had been so often to those around her, and he wanted to throw himself upon her mercy, to beg her to pretend to feel what she had once sworn she could not. To offer him the kindness of a lie, and let him believe that he might one day win her heart.

He wanted to tell her that he knew he had been a fool, pushing her away time after time, even as he wished for nothing more than to hold her close. No one had it in their power to hurt him as she did. For her good opinion, he would face rioters, intent upon his destruction. He loved her as he had never loved another, and yet he created distance between them, in a vain attempt to protect a heart that was no longer his alone.

He should reassure her of his faith in her, which he had once sworn had been lost. There was nothing for which he could deride her – save, perhaps, for choosing him when she deserved so much better than the life he could offer her. She deserved to be cossetted and protected, to live a life of comfort and joy, unmarred by deprivation and want. For her skin to be caressed by hands that had never seen a day’s work, their touch soft and gentle.

John’s hands were rough. He was hard, coarse. He had struggled as a child and would struggle again, once the mill had closed and his family was left in dire straits as they had been so many years before. He couldn’t indulge Margaret as she deserved; he couldn’t promise her a future without care. It wouldn’t be long before the bank loan came due and he lost the comfortable home he had spent a lifetime building for his family. He would find himself cast down from his position of Master of the Mills to the bottom, to claw and scrape and grab for the lowest rung of the ladder, intending to scale it rung by rung in the hopes he might one day find himself at the top once more. Meanwhile, Margaret would be left with nothing but calloused hands from hard work that her gentle upbringing had never prepared her to undertake, and with the necessity to scrimp and fret from one meal to the next.

He should tell her that he believed in her – in her kindness and her compassion. In her integrity and faithfulness. She had never taken a lover before him, but he hoped that she had once loved another, though the idea pained him – to know, even for a short while, what it felt like to bask in the adoration of one more deserving of her than he. Although John would swear that nobody in the world could love her as he loved her; nobody else could cherish either her heart or her spirit as he did.

There were many things that he should say, now that he had sworn to lay himself bare before her, but the words swelled in his chest, jumbling together on his tongue until they tangled and knotted, and he didn’t know which thread to pull at to set them free. There was only her name, a benediction upon his lips. “Margaret.” He grabbed her hand, drawing her near, missing the warmth and the feel of her, his mouth hot against hers as he wrapped her in his arms.

As it often tended to do, he was surprised by her passion, by the readiness with which she reached for him. His coat fell to the floor, forgotten, as she wrapped her arms around his neck, pressing her body flush against this own. She whispered his name as he lifted her, her night-rail falling open, her shift hitching around her waist as she wrapped her legs around his hips.

He should carry her upstairs, to the privacy of their bedchamber. They could be interrupted at any time, caught by a servant in search of something to eat in the middle of the night, or finishing up on a task left undone. But he had not held his wife like this for far too long, and the taste of her lips and scent of her skin was intoxicating, filling his senses and driving away all reason. Reaching out one hand, he stumbled forward until his palm struck the wall, her body making a loud thud that shook the painting on the wall as it followed.

He began to apologize, but she laughed, finding delight in their passion, her hands grabbing at his shirt, his shoulders, his hair. Her lips chasing after his kiss as she tossed his discarded cravat aside. “We should stop,” he breathed, even as he pressed his lips against the curve of her neck. “The servants—”

But Margaret wasn’t in the mood to be agreeable, and she taunted him with a roll of her hips, rather than acquiesce to his suggestion. He groaned when he felt her against him, even through the fabric of his trousers, and she threw her head back, exposing soft, smooth skin to the dim light cast by the dying embers in the fireplace and the moonlight spilling through the windows. Bowing his head, he caressed her breast his mouth, wetting the fabric with his tongue as he drew the nipple between his teeth.

“The servants—” he tried once more, his voice muffled by fabric and skin, but she slipped her hand beneath his shirt, caressing the muscles of his chest, and shook her head at his protest.

“Everyone’s asleep,” she reassured him. “Don’t stop. I need you. I-I’ve missed you.”

In the darkness and with their haste, their movements were clumsy and awkward as he fumbled with the buttons of his trousers, pulling himself free. Sliding one hand between her thighs, he could feel that she was wet and ready for him, her breath coming in tight gasps as he slid two fingers inside of her, teasing her sensitive nub with his thumb.

Tomorrow, he would chastise himself for taking her so roughly against their drawing room wall, his need for her overwhelming all sense and the fear of discovery. Rather than making love to her with sweet words in a soft bed, as gentle ladies such as she had been raised to expect. But she would offer him no similar recriminations, to be sure, her exultant cries muffled by his lips and cheek, the only thing preventing them from echoing through the empty room.

Questing fingers swept into his hair, brushing it back from his face, and he reached for her hand, pinning it against the wall beside her head. She demanded nothing from him this night, but there was one thing he needed from her, his longing so deep that his heart ached with it.

“Tell me you love me,” he growled, demanding and pleading in equal measure. “Just for tonight, let me pretend.”

Her laughter died on her lips, her eyes growing wide, and he feared for a moment that he had spoiled the mood, that she would balk and push him away. He was gratified when she whispered, “I do love you.” It was a lie, but she was kind, and he was willing to let himself pretend to believe it, and so he let out a long sigh, his eyes closing as the joy of those four words washed over him.

Beneath him, Margaret squirmed, her movements growing more insistent, even frantic, as she clutched at his shoulders, his neck, his face. “John, please! I love you! I do! You must believe me!”

A groan rumbled through his chest as though torn from his very soul, and he pressed his face against the curve of her neck, savoring the weight of her words and her willingness to utter such a lie for his sake. She was kind, and he was willing to let himself believe.

“Look at me,” she begged him, her voice catching as he thrust inside her. “Look at me!” But he could not – dared not – in case he saw the truth of her feelings in her face. Instead, he crushed his lips against hers, swallowing her soft sounds of desire as he slid his hand between her thighs and stroked her until she came undone in his arms.

Her pleasure was still washing over her when he thrust into her again, rocking her body against the wall behind her. “Tell me you love me,” he demanded once more in a low voice, his lips against her ear, the strength of his need deepening his voice and the harsh, Northern burr of his accent. She shook her head, her breath escaping in a soft sob, but he increased the pace of his thrusts as he repeated his demand. “Please.”

Her arms wrapped around his neck pressing his cheek against hers as he drove into her again. A moment later, he felt a cool dampness against his skin and was surprised to realize it had come from her, a tear spilling over her lashes and sliding down the gentle curve of his face until it became trapped between them. It was almost enough to compel him to stop and draw away, except she tightened her legs around his hips and would not release him.

“I love you,” she whispered into his ear, driving him on.

He savored those words, committing them to his heart, a treasured memory that could never be taken from him, not even with the truth in the harsh light of day. Wrapping his hands under her thighs, he repositioned her, steadying her weight as he drove into her again and again until his own pleasure washed over him.

He pressed his mouth against the curve of her shoulder as he poured himself into her, feeling his muscles tremble with the strength of his release. Only when he was spent, his senses slowly returning, did he put her back on her feet, turning his head to capture her mouth in a kiss, swallowing the lie she had graciously bestowed upon him.

She deserved to hear the truth, although she must know it by now already, given his shameless request. “I love you, Margaret,” he breathed against her lips. “I have never loved another.”

[imasimpforstevengrant]

Why do we like this clown so much?

Change the "we" for "I" and you get an usual tag I use whenever I post my content in Tumblr. And it sounds funny at first but whenever you start diving into that phrase, the deeper it becomes. So, I finally have decided to share my thoughts about this strange but wholesome attraction to this deeply flawed character. It's not something I usually do since I don't know how to write down my feelings properly and also in english so please forgive any typos (I'm from Chile so don't be surprised lol).

So...Why do we like this clown so much?

Why was it that a character precisely designed to scare and to disgust the fuck out of us ended up unchaining a series of feelings that shouldn't have taken place in a beginning?

Let's take a look at the background: Joaquin Phoenix was cast as Arthur Fleck/Joker in 2018. The first image of him as the aforementioned character revealed a deeply disturbed man. We knew the plot. A man driven to insanity after a brutal history of abuse, creating concern in people if the upcoming film would inspire real life violence. Incel violence and mass shootings, more specifically.

(the image in question)

As 2019 arrives, the two trailers generated so much hype that media needed to fuel its concern about it. Since it wasn't your typical comic book film, media basically bombed our minds making us believe this film was going to be a total disaster, an excuse to cause harm to others among other nonsense, as if the film would justify everything Arthur would do in the film, eventually. As the release date is closer, the film receives thunderous applause and unanimous praise from critics. At this, fans rejoiced and expressed impatience to watch the film.

October 5th.

People left the theaters amazed, shocked and genuinely moved by the inhuman treatment Arthur received in the film. The fear media tried so desperately to infuse in us with all the incel bullshit and such turned out to awake one of the most positive, best feelings in humans:

E M P A T H Y

The word that so gloriously cleared away any dark thoughts or actions not only proves media was wrong but it turned out to ridicule it in way nobody will forget: Hundreds of people advocating for mental illness, calling out to the kindness that could change a person's bad day and questioning how politicians and rich people are indifferent to social problems proved how much as a society we have changed in comparison with the one shown in the film.

However, since we are on Tumblr, I'll get straight to the point and try to explain why the fuck does this clown has us dying out of love and compassion (and lust).

I. Background.

As nurturing as we women are for a biological matter, we see a man deprived of a good job, is on seven different medications, working like a slave to sustain his ill mother, putting aside his own health and well-being to look for her, struggling to make his dream of being a comedian despite everyone stepping on him, underpaid and treated like a freak for a disorder he did not ask to suffer, which makes it impossible to be indifferent to all the horrible ordeal that eventually will reach the limit of what he can tolerate without going insane. It is impossible to not say or think, at least, that someone (even if it's just one person) should stand for him just as it is impossible not to feel the need to throw ourselves at him to shield him from people who hurt him or simply offer him our shoulder whenever he has had a bad day, specially when he learns he was sexually assaulted by his step father.

This horrid behaviour terrifies newer generations because they get a taste of what being a social outcast was like more than thirty years ago in comparison with today, where there's more acceptance and treatment for mentally ill people like Arthur. We see in him someone who could have been saved with a proper education and emotional support instead of descending into madness as a criminal. Others simply saw themselves being treated like him at some point in their lives and couldn't help but put themselves in his shoes.

II. Personality.

TRUTH BE TOLD:

There's something called "attraction by proximity". It is the explanation to the eventual love you feel whenever someone doesn't catch your eye at first terms of physical attraction but his/her personality does attract you. This happens to be the base of this situation. His shyness, introverted nature, tenderness and innocent desire to make people laugh and put on a happy face awake some kind of tenderness we cannot resist. This combined with the gloomy background increases our understanding (but not justifying) of the bad decisions he'll eventually take during the course of the film. This traces a line of harsh, almost hurtful contrast of the violence he shows later on the film. Once again, it is not justified in any way but it is certainly understandable.

III. Appearance.

Arthur Fleck is unconventionally attractive.

This happens to be a plus for most women. He is out of the male beauty standards (no abs, not too muscly or particularly tall), which makes him even more unique. It is precisely the fact that he's not a model one of the reasons women love him. He could easily be your man next door or your colleague or the guy you always see but never dare to talk for fear to bother him Because it's about proximity. Arthur looks like your common neighbour. He's not meant to be your typical desirable male protagonist at all.

... And yet.

Jesus Christ, he's so fucking hot I can't even---

It's not about how beautiful his green eyes are, his long slender fingers, his hair or his smile only. It's the charm behind it.

Another "magnet point" is the way he dresses. I know he's impoverished and his wardrobe tend to be repetitive but it is so unpretentious, so simple that is hard to not fall for. The modesty of the shirts, ironed trousers reminds us of a mature man deeply withdrawn into himself, love starved and longing to be seen and loved by others, like a war veteran who still fights the most important war: with himself. Is someone who needs to be listened and understood.

AND OF COURSE WHAT'S NOT TO LIKE ABOUT IT?

He's also brought back the old gentleman outfit, white shirts, red/yellow vest, red suit and elegant dancing moves and the retro style of the film boosts this attractiveness.

People keep comparing him with the previous interpretation of Joker (Leto's) whose costume appealed to young women with a tattooed, gangster, mumble rapper crazy-guy wannabe which didn't connect with the audiences (young people in general). This supposedly was to match or even have a sexy, tormented and desirable villain like Marvel's Loki. We all know how that story ended but it's the link for the next point below.

IV. Transformation

This is a particularly strong point considering how much we loved to watch the process of this weak, powerless, forgotten caterpillar into a beautiful and visible butterfly that will gracefully stir its wings for everyone to see its colours.

When Arthur transitions to the Joker, it's so cathartic to see taking revenge on those who wronged him (even when we're not supposed to root for him) like seeing his shyness fading away into a vivid confidence when dancing half naked in the bathroom, or witnessing him making way to make his name known to people in Murray Franklin's Show:

Adding to this newly gained confidence, there's another turn on: the way he walks.

At the beginning, his pace is hunched and limping, displaying his submission to violence, which makes the viewer more satisfied to see his broken yet beautiful soul turning the past pain of his existence into art: he lets music guide his moves as a way to tell the world he's a new man by cutting most of the sick, evil roots that harmed him, that he's invincible, that no one can stop him. Watching this cathartic display of euphoria was the most iconic scene in the film, following his speech at the TV and the inevitable meltdown that caused Murray's death.

Going to further appreciation, even his clown make up is beautiful. Why? Simple. The combination of colours, shapes and the intimidating glare just embellishes even more the character.

The dark blue triangles in his expressive eyes makes the light green colour to highlight, specially in dark backgrounds, giving the impression he's piercing your soul whenever he stares directly at the camera. Same can be said about the red smile and emerald green hair. They boost an already intimidating look.

The cold and warm colours paint a picture of a man full of intense emotions, mirroring it in a simple yet masterful artistic way.

Another interesting point is the way Joker dresses. Usually we had almost every single live adaption of this character in purple coat, hat, etc. But this particular version is not following any comic, which gives more freedom to creativity and once again, out of the standards of what we could have expected.

Red is a colour related to passion, action, love, strength, motivation and excitement. As for yellow, it indicates freshness, happiness and enlightenment and finally, green. Green is renewal, growth and regeneration. Colours that represent a new stage in his life, a mirthful chapter at last. We finally get to see our battered, always humiliated protagonist (or hero) descending into madness, but finally free from his repressed man who held his soul captive like a bird to fly away, to never come back. An insanity that despite being his downfall, turned out to be his ticket to freedom as he walks to the light in Arkham Asylum dancing at the end.

Ladies and gentlemen: behold the film nobody asked... But the film we fucking deserved.

Thank you for coming to my TED talk

❤️💚💛

[sunflowerslyf]

Unmasked ~~ Twelve

Written by: ~ M ~

Prompt #88

Rating: E (Explicit) This fic will contain consensual sexual content; mild language; discussions of injuries, illness, and amputations in a historical setting; discussions of miscarriage; discussions of minor character suicide; references to non consensual sexual situations.

My thanks to the moderators of @everlarkficexchange for always running an entertaining event, and for playing along with a little fun and mystery. Also my thanks to @sunflowerslyf for generously offering up your inbox for posting this story as well as your patience in dealing with my editing errors and multiple submissions You’re a gem. Please enjoy the twelfth chapter of this adventure. Previous installments can be found here. Regards,

~ M ~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~ Chapter 12 ~~

My dreams are pleasant and I wake to warm sunshine and cheerful bird song. When I sit up and examine the room, I see that Peeta is already awake and gone, but no matter. I feel as though we have made excellent progress, now that I know more about him. So many questions remain, about his life as a Mellark, but as last night proved, he is willing to provide them. Perhaps during our ride today we might discuss it some more.

As I enter the breakfast room, my eyes find him first. Maysilee sits perched on his knee, detailing their adventure for the day. As if sensing my presence, Peeta meets my gaze with a soft smile and an unexpected heat in his eyes. My toes curl in my shoes as I picture how that expression might appear in shadows and candlelight, between just him and I and our bed.

I think I need a confessional today.

I am ahead of myself, however and halt my musings. I do not even know my husband’s birth date nor any number of other inconsequential to momentous details about him. I know that he is a baker, an artist. He prefers to sleep with a window open. He always knots his cravat without the use of a mirror and he never takes sugar in his tea. I know the name of his true mother and father and the nature of his rather humble beginnings, yet there is so much more to him. I already know this and am quite eager to find out more.

And to think of how determined I was to proceed right to the consummation without the courtship. Why though? Perhaps to prevent a connection or affection from forming between us, to convince myself that he is the brute I believed him to be that first day we met. Now that I know the source of both his haste and his reluctance to dismount, I feel quite bad about my initial assessment of him, although I do not know if I am so low as to sabotage my own marriage. Perhaps then it was a desire to be done with it, to not have the deed hanging over my head, or perhaps still it was a means to make myself feel superior to Peeta. That last is ridiculous in light of the manner he has approached our lives together so far – as a partnership, an alliance as he called it that first time. But allies must be equal, each contributing to the further well being of the other and of the alliance.

This courtship idea of his is quite sound, I admit to myself. We now have the chance to get to know one another in a way we were not given time to before our wedding, which I hope can only serve to strengthen our bond.

I choose to ignore that the reason for my not knowing Peeta well is that I focused on pursuing his brother as a potential mate and not Peeta. Why did I make that choice anyways? Was it because of Peeta’s birth or because the one meeting I had already had with him unsettled me so? If the first, then I am a despicable and judgemental creature. If the second, then my judgment in general is suspect. Sir Robert had seemed a safer choice at the time, but his elopement with another women shows that to be utterly false.

I further ignore the man in the mask. Whichever brother it was that night can have no bearing on my future with Peeta. I must judge the character of the man before me, not dream of some fantasy that may have been a complete lie. And thus far, as my mother said that first day, it appears that I have before me a very fine man indeed.

Although I had little choice in our engagement, I have control over how I approach our marriage. I could do so with scorn and resentment, but that will do no one any good. It benefits no one to live in a household with the lord and lady ever at odds. No, I choose now to face my marriage to Peeta as he has done – with an open heart and hope for better things to come. At the very least, we can be good friends and equal partners in our life together.

I force myself into the room as Maysilee reclaims his attention. Standing at the sidebar, I fill my plate. I shall need extra sustenance today, I think. I do not plan to end this day a stranger to my husband nor he to me. Peeta can still take his time with all the niceties and pomp in courting me if he wishes, but I need to know as much as I can learn about him today.

Madge stands from the table and presses close to my side, questions in her eyes.

“What?”

“You practically glow this morning, Katniss,” she whispers. “What happened between you last night?”

“He told me about his mother – his birth mother,” I say, eyes averted. I can feel blood humming in my veins, rising to stain my cheeks pink and know that I will not get away with secrecy, yet I cannot stop thinking about what it means that he trusted me with such knowledge, and oddly enough, I cannot stop thinking about what kissing him in truth may feel like.

“That is not all that happened.”

“No,” I concede and then sneak a peek at the pair still engrossed in their breakfast and plans.

“Tell me, Katniss. The suspense and worry are killing me.”

“There is no reason to worry,” I say.

“So then… he has not hurt you? Been…unpleasant or rough at night?”

“Hurt me? No!” I whisper furtively, glancing over my shoulder and relieved to find Peeta engrossed with both Maysilee and Prim.

“Oh you’ve no idea how relieved I am to hear that. He seemed such a gentleman, and his treatment of you appears above reproach, but I suppose who we are behind closed doors is never the same and both of you seemed so… so tired and distressed in a quiet sort of way and…” her words trail into breath and I stare at her for a moment.

I snort quite loudly. Madge’s brow draws together. We both check that no one eavesdrops before I explain, because I can hold it in no longer.

“On the contrary, Mr. Mellark is the utmost gentleman in the bedroom. One could say he is too much of a gentleman.”

“Oh.” She thinks for a moment and then her eyes widen. “Oh! You mean that he hasn’t…that the two of you have not…” She waves her hand about in a vague motion as I purse my lips and shake my head.

“He says he wishes to court me first.”

“But…you are already married!” She hisses under her breath and I smile, sly and satisfied with my next words.

“I think it terribly sweet of him.”

“Astonishing,” she says and we both turn to take our places at table. She whispers one more thing before we move within hearing range of the others. “There is still hope then for a truly blessed marriage.”

Hope. The feeling flowers inside me at her words.

“What are you two whispering about over there?” Prim asks and I refocus on my food while Madge diverts attention from me and our whisperings.

*************************

I am unable to ascertain more of Peeta’s past during our ride as Doctor Aurelius arrives just as we are headed out, with plans to finally remove the plaster cast my father has worn since late spring, when Doctor Aurelius was finally satisfied with the setting of the bones broken in Father’s accident. A good thing too, as I have heard whispers that my father has been in and out of fever the past few days, but the source has remained a mystery.

I am distracted as we ride, unable to enjoy our time together. Sporadic winds kick up dry dust and the heat is stifling today. Even though I chose to wear breeches today, something I have not done in some time, I have sweat like a pig and am excessively dirty and disheveled in no time at all. Peeta suggests we cut our outing short to return, and I eagerly accept.

As we ride up to the house, Madge greets us, taking Sagitarria’s bridle in her hands. “Doctor Aurelius is still with your father. He wishes all of us present. I fear the news is not good, Katniss.”

I leap from my horse and hurry up the stairs, breathing hard as I enter the room.

“What news?” I ask, as I approach Doctor Aurelius. My mother barely looks at me and even Prim is subdued. The lack of response to my appearance confirms that the news is not good. The stench in the room is my second indicator of how bad the news must be. True there has been an overall smell in Father’s room, more stale and slightly foul. This is undeniably foul.

“One moment. This is news all of you need hear, as it will affect the entire household.” I huff in impatience as we wait. When Madge and Peeta join us, she closes the door and Doctor Aurelius nods. “Mr. Everdeen remains in his coma, unresponsive. There was always a risk of bed sores given the length of time, as well as infection. Come and see for yourself.”

He moves aside bed linens and the sleeve of my father’s shirt to reveal discolored skin, an angry red with sheets of it that have peeled off. I cover my mouth and nose at the pus oozing from several blisters. Doctor Aurelius shows the cut away cast, the sheets of discolored dead skin that have accumulated and adhered to the cotton interior.

“Gangrene,” Peeta says behind me and I turn to face him. Tears cloud my vision, making a muddled mess of his image, hazy and distorted like those drawings of his from distant battlefields.

“Quite. It has advanced too far already. I must amputate this arm immediately.”

“And if you do not?” I ask as my mother bends over my father, clutching his good hand, shoulders shaking with her quiet sobs.

“Your father will be dead in a matter of days.”

“Then amputate,” I say. “Take the blasted arm off!”

The doctor gives me a sympathetic look and Peeta’s hands grasp my shoulders, rubbing them soothingly.

“It is not that simple, Katniss,” my mother says, lifting her tear stained face.

“There is a chance the amputation itself will kill him. There is risk of further infection, a severe fever or even pneumonia in response to the amputation, it is possible that the infection began deep in his tissues at the same time as his fall or during the resetting of his bones and is only now manifesting where we can see it. In that case, it may have advanced further up his arm than I am able to observe and an amputation will not solve the problem at all. It is risky with a coherent patient. I have never amputated on a comatose one.”

“But there is a chance he will survive?” I ask and the doctor nods. “And no chance at all if you do not?”

“That is correct.”

“Then amputate,” I say again. Both of us look to my mother. She manages to nod in assent.

“What do you need from us?” Primrose asks.

“I will need assistance with the operation itself. Perhaps two people of stout constitution with some modicum of physical strength as well, a background in healing or medicine would be ideal…” Doctor Aurelius looks between my mother and my sixteen year old sister, clearly not impressed with his options. My mother has barely left the house since Father’s accident and has ceased all of her duties as healer. Without Mother’s supervision, Prim has had little practice in the past few months either.

Peeta steps around me then. “Doctor Aurelius, I have been present during a few amputations, although I am neither doctor nor healer. And…I have survived one.”

“Have you really?” The doctor squints at my husband.

“My left leg, sir.” The doctor’s gaze drops as if he could see through Peeta’s trousers. “I would show you, doctor, but there is an odd assortment of ladies present to include my wife and her as yet unmarried sister. I doubt that their mother would appreciate such a display.”

Madge laughs first, only a note or two, then strangely enough my mother joins her and Prim as well. Doctor Aurelius even cracks a small smile.

“Very well. Your assistance will be welcome, Mr. Mellark. I shall send for my kit, as I did not bring that one with me. Mrs. Mellark I need a boy to run the errand.” I move to the door and shout for Horatio. Doctor Aurelius eyes the clear evidence of outdoor exertion on Peeta’s clothes. “And you shall need a bath and change of clothes, Mr. Mellark. Then we need one more—“

“I will do it,” Mother says, rising from her chair on unsteady feet.

“Are you sure that is a good idea, Mrs. Everdeen?” The Doctor questions. Her resolve seems to waver a moment, and Peeta moves to speak directly to her.

“Madame, you know what we will need. A good, hot fire; supplies similar to what you would use to dress a laceration that requires stitches, in greater abundance as it will need to be cauterized,” Peeta tells her gently.

My mother nods and leaps into motion. The doctor watches her in astonishment, but it seems that having something to do for my father has given my mother purpose again. She is a healer, and having both brought many a babe into the world as well as held the hands of countless dying, it seems that what truly crippled her in this case was the waiting and impotence in regards to my father’s care. There was nothing she could do to revive him from his coma except to sit and wait.

“Katniss, we will also need a schedule of persons, perhaps in pairs, to sit vigil afterwards and tend to the wound we shall create. He will need observation at all hours of the day for a few days. See to the organization of that?” My mother says, even as she moves about the room.

The house becomes an uproar as a fire is built up in the grate in my parents’ room. The windows in every other room thrown open to release the heat that seeps through the walls. The door is strictly monitored to reduce the number of insects entering my father’s sick room. Supplies gathered. Baths ordered for Peeta and myself.

I’ve no time to linger in the room adjoining the kitchens, designed by my father to meet my mother’s needs as a healer. A clean body is less likely to contract infections, she would remind us each time we complained of the frequent baths she demanded of the entire household. My father, in an attempt to appease his wife as well as to ease the burden of carrying hot water or the large brass tub up stairs for baths, designed this room and oversaw its modifications. I take only a moment to appreciate the high windows that admit light without compromising privacy, the clean design of drainage, and wonder if this bathroom will be one of the few things we have left of him at the end of this week.

I dare not linger too long, though. Scrubbed clean and dressed in a simple gown, I gather the household and set a schedule for watching over my father for the next few days. Horatio returns with a leather bag for Doctor Aurelius and disappears with it into the chambers.

Silence descends. I pace the hall, unable to sleep as the doctor suggested I do to prepare, as I will sit the first watch with Charles. We eat a sparse lunch and after, Madge keeps Maysilee busy, distracting her from the somber mood that has covered my home. I cannot even hold my sister as she’s insisted on being present as well. As a healer in training.

Just as I am certain I can take no more, Maysilee yawns. “We should take you upstairs to nap.”

“Wanna nap here,” the child whines and Madge soothes her back a moment. “Mama, play music?”

Madge kisses her daughter and rises, settling Maysilee on the sofa with a blanket before moving to the piano. She sits and glances at me for one moment and then begins to play.

The melancholy notes drift through the house, entering my soul and permeating deep. I find stillness through them and close my eyes, recalling the words to the tune. On a deep breath, I release one line and then another. My voice cracks at first, uneven and hoarse from months of no singing at all. As the song continues and Madge ends it only to begin another on its heels, I sing. I sing until my voice warms and grows to something splendid, as it was on days when I would sing with my father.

With steady voice, shaking hands, and tears on my face, I sing and pray that my father will survive this day. I know not how many songs I sing as Madge plays, but when the notes from the piano stop abruptly and Madge gasps, I turn to face the door.

Peeta stands there, looking exhausted and with red speckled on his sleeves. I do not want to consider the amount of my father’s blood that was shed today, but Peeta nods to me.

“He is alright for now.”

I take three steps and then fling myself into his arms. He holds me tight to his chest and we stand there, feeling one another as the birds sing outside. When we move apart, he holds my cheek in his hand. I do not even know how to describe the look that he gives me then, only the effect that it has on me. He is so calm and so steady in this moment, when I feel as though my world is crumbling to pieces. I need not be strong for Peeta, as he knows what anguish I live in right now. His hold on me reminds me that I can survive this. We can survive this, and all hope is not lost.

“Go see him,” he whispers and I need no more urging to race up the stairs.

The room is unbearably hot, although the fire has been extinguished for now. My father lays perspiring in his bed, his body twitching, already caught in fever. My mother wipes his face with a damp cloth, her hair a mess and her eyes distressed. Servants gather stained sheets and dressings and aprons, bustling from the room with grim looks on their faces.

“When did he become so thin?” I ask no one and no one answers.

“I should have seen it,” my mother whispers instead.

“Mother, it is not your fault.”

“I fear that it is. I spent so many days sitting beside him, waiting for him to return to us, that I…I told myself I could not become a ghost. You were engaged to be married. Primrose spoke of Mr. Hawthorne with such fondness and… Life was passing by and I was spending it here, neglecting my daughters for a husband who might never return to us and I tried to right it. I tried to right it and instead failed your father. I should have—“

I halt her words with an embrace and hold her until her tears are spent. “You could not have seen beneath the cast, Mother.”

She sniffles to end her cry and nods. “I shall sleep well knowing he is in your care now, Katniss.”

My mother kisses my cheek and then leaves as Charles enters. Ours is the longest watch, beginning as soon as the operation is deemed complete and continuing to midnight, an easy time for all to remember, and a chance for all who shall sit vigil to complete tasks or to sleep as needed. At midnight, we will begin our regular rotations. Charles and I work through the evening and into the night, refreshing bandages, bathing Father’s fevered skin. Charles nods off and I sing quietly to my father, wishing that perhaps I had done so sooner, as my mother had once asked of me.

When Madge and Joe relieve us near midnight, I head to the kitchen, unsurprised to find Peeta there, kneading dough. Words are not needed between us as I sit, and yet as he works, we begin to talk. I speak of my father, as though sharing all my cherished memories now might somehow preserve his spirit. Peeta listens and encourages my words. We eat slices of a hearty bread, heavy with nuts and grains, a goat cheese with dill in it melting into the pores and slices of cucumber. Then we retire to our room.

Somewhere in the middle of the night, Peeta wakes me from a terrible dream. I cling to his shirt and refuse to let him go until he climbs into the bed with me. I fall back asleep wrapped in his arms, his fingers caressing over my shoulders and back.

It becomes our routine. The entire household moves in rotations, everyone showing the strains of long days and long nights. I sing to my father on my shift with him. After a late night of keeping watch over my father, I join Peeta in the kitchens. He bakes. We talk and eat. And then we retire. After that first night, he does not even bother falling asleep in the chair, but settles beside me in the bed. He is there to wake me and comfort me from the terrible visions of the night.

The fears are easier to manage with him beside me in the darkness, warm and steady, healthy and whole. A survivor of such an ordeal, his wholeness gives me hope to cling to. In the mornings, he rises early to take his turn caring for my father, kissing my cheek before he goes. I hunt and take Sagittaria for long rides. Life somehow continues in this strange way.

“Is this how you lost your leg?” I ask one night in the kitchens as the stars burn and Peeta kneads dough for tomorrow’s bread. Mrs. Chilton, our cook, mentioned that she has begun to leave some for him to work on each night, since he seems so fond of it. I watch his motions as another question forms in my head before he answers the first.

“No,” Peeta says. “I did not lose my leg to gangrene, although I saw others who did lose limbs in this manner.”

“Then how?”

“A sword,” he says simply and I think he will not continue as the silence stretches. Then he does. “It sliced deep enough that I needed a tourniquet or I would have bled to death. The ironic part is that my job was to care for the wounded soldiers who could be saved, treat them enough on the battlefield that they might be then moved to the medical tents. If I could not help them at all…they perished on the field.

“Most days I was not in the midst of heavy fighting, but rather followed the movements of the soldiers. That day, I was…overwhelmed with patients and did not notice the shift in the tide of fighting until it was too late and I was suddenly in the thick of it. I applied the tourniquet to myself after I was wounded and continued to help others whom I could drag myself to reach, but when the fighting was over, I should have been left where I lay.”

“Someone moved you?”

“Joe. As a horse trainer and stable hand, he had a gentle touch and demeanor with the beasts and could coax them into places they would otherwise shy from. He drove the cart that moved the wounded from battlefield to medical tent, and then the dead to their graves when only the dead held the field. Joe and I had already become friends of sorts. He lied to the others about how close I was to death and ordered them to get me on the cart, after I had already told him to leave me.

“By the time I was moved to the medical tent, there was no saving my leg. The doctor amputated immediately, sutured and cauterized, and then left me on a cot, bidding me good luck in surviving.”

I stare at my hands then, thinking on how close he must have been to dying that day.

“Your father does not have an easy road, Katniss. If he survives, there will be a host of challenges when he wakes.”

“But you have survived it, so you know how,” I say and lift my gaze to him. “Will you stay to help?”

“I have no plans to leave,” he tells me. Such gravity in his eyes as he makes his promise to me. I add it to the ones he gave me on our wedding day, and for one moment, I am certain that he is going to kiss me. So of course, this is when a soft, silly laugh bubbles out of my mouth. “What are you thinking of?”

“That I would not describe Joe as having a gentle touch.”

“Only where horses are concerned,” Peeta says with a smile and we both manage a laugh then. It is a relief to still be able to laugh.

I begin to form an enticing though not yet complete picture of my husband.

“You are more familiar with that bread than I would expect someone who ceased baking at ten to be,” I say on another late night.

“I did not stop at ten.”

“You would sneak into the kitchens of the Mellark household to bake then?”

“It caused a great deal of lectures and strikes of the strap. Such a chore is beneath the son of a Marquis, apparently.” I silently fume at his words. Although I am not surprised to hear that the Marquis resorted to such punishments, as it is quite common, I know that they are not necessary. My mother and father never once struck us that I can recall. Why would one wish to cause your own child physical pain? It seems a brutish practice to me.

“At first I would bake during the day, with the servants, but when the Marquis and Marchioness began to blame the cook for encouraging inappropriate behavior in their ward instead of blaming me for convincing the servants to let me, I began to bake at night instead. By then I was old enough to not need any supervision in the task and no one would suffer except perhaps our poor arithmetic tutors who could not entice me to stay awake for lessons.”

I laugh at the image of a stern man in spectacles attempting to wake a tired Peeta as he dreamt of bread rather than equations.

“It must have been so lonely and confusing for you.” I watch a hundred emotions pass across his face in seconds and know that I have found the truth of it. His adjustment to living in the Mellark household after a mostly happy childhood with William and Nancy Thackeray was not at all easy.

“In many ways, it was…but I did have one brother who became an instant friend and ally. He was more interested in my skill as a playmate and at talking our way out of scrapes than who my parents were.”

“Robert,” I say and cannot meet his eyes, although I see Peeta nodding in my periphery.

“Robert was the only one in that household whose acceptance and welcome of me was both immediate and unconditional. He called me his twin and his brother the very first day and never stopped. He defended me to those who would use my birth as an insult.”

“You must love him a great deal,” I whisper, thoughts of the things Peeta did in the name of protecting his brother foremost in my head. What would I do to protect Prim? Marry someone I knew did not wish to marry me? In a way, that is precisely what I did in marrying Peeta.

“I do. He is my brother. I love him as you love Primrose,” he says and finishes with tonight’s loaf.

Four long days after Doctor Aurelius amputates his arm, my father’s fever breaks. It is during my shift, and I cry out with relief as I feel the sweat finally cooling on my father’s brow, his skin clammy and cooling as the heat dissipates. Charles is near asleep on his feet by then, and I send him to fetch Peeta to relieve him and help me. Peeta and I bathe my father and cover him with a warm blanket, changing his dressings one last time as the day ends, and a new begins. My mother enters as soon as she receives word.

“Thank heaven,” she says when I confirm the change.

“He remains unconscious,” I remind her.

“Yes, but it is enough for now.” She takes Peeta’s cheeks in her hands and pulls him down so that she may kiss his brow. “Thank you, dear boy, for taking care of my Kent. You are nothing like your father at all and such a welcome addition to our family.”

She hugs me and tells me to get some rest, reminding me that the crops will keep.

We walk through the house in silence as I consider my mother’s words and before I can think of something to say, we reach the bath room and Peeta speaks first. “You go ahead. I will see about some food for us.”

“That sounds lovely,” I say.

After I bathe, as Peeta takes his turn, I find a tray of food in our room. I am famished and dive right in to eat. My eyes droop, and as much as I try to stay awake, I am unable to do so. I wake to Peeta tucking me beneath the covers and protest when Peeta does not join me but moves towards the sitting area instead.

“Peeta?”

He shakes his head from the chairs and arranges a pillow. “Your father is out of immediate danger. I assumed that meant that I should–”

“Don’t be ridiculous. Get in the bed,” I say and his eyes widen for a moment. “You are keeping me awake, husband.”

His lips twitch and he nods, joining me, pausing only to sit on the edge of the mattress to remove trousers and false leg before laying beside me with a relieved sigh.

We shift and move, trapped in a sort of limbo of uncertainty. Do I touch him? He has held me every night since Father’s amputation and now we lay with an ocean of space between us. On those nights, even though he held me close, I felt a thousand leagues away, drifting in a haze of concern for my father. Tonight, despite the space between us, I am very aware of Peeta’s presence.

I roll to my side, attempting to discern his profile in the dark room and unable to do so. I listen for any snoring and discover none. I wait and listen to each sound around us, the steady cadence of breath in the night as we attempt to find sleep. I shift to my other side, with my back to him and stare towards the window. The drapes drift on the breeze, revealing brief hints of moonlight.

I cough once and then he moves. His warmth approaches me and even in darkness, I can feel him watching me.

“Is there something you want, madame?” I swear I hear laughter in his voice, but do not care as I reach behind me, feeling through the sheets for his hand. Once I have it, I wrap his arm around me until he moves closer, close enough for us to settle in an intimate embrace. “Better?”

“Quite,” I say. “Now hush so I may sleep, husband.”

“Yes, wife,” he murmurs, but his lips brush the back of my neck as he does and I cannot stop the delight that simmers inside my heart as I find sleep.

**************************

To be continued…look for chapter thirteen on the blog of @justajjfan

[owlsshadows]

Waves

Hisa/Zen (with one sided HisaHide and ZenObi)

When two thirdwheel meets, can they find the axle of their own?

Sir Hisame has tosay goodbye to his dreams of becoming the next Lord Seiran, along with hisdreams of becoming Mitsuhide’s lover when the latter finally asks for the handof Kiki. Prince Zen, on the other hand, is slowly recovering from Obi choosing Shirayukiover him.

(As to keep myself to my best habits, especially in the W-series, this too shall start with a chapter rewrite.)

Chapter 1 under the cut! 

Link to read on AO3

“So… did you sayyes?” Hisame asks, cold eyes cast over Mitsuhide with a scrutinizing glare.“For the moment, I’m the one she’s technically betrothed to. Which means, Ihave the right to ask,” he continues when he is met with surprised, slightlypanicked eyes.

If only Mitsuhideknew; it would be all different, those eyes would be full of pity instead ofalarm. But Mitsuhide, bless his soul, is a simple, honest man. He would neverguess.

“So, what was youranswer?” Hisame pushes, pouring wine for the both of them. His heart onlythrobs a little faster than usual, and it only hurts a little to withholdMitsuhide’s gaze.

“I told her,”Mitsuhide starts, casting his eyes away and looking into the distance, “that Icouldn’t be with her.”

“Hmm.” There’s afull stop there – a second to breathe, a second to stop and think how could he ever fall for this stupid… buthe keeps his poise, bringing his glass to his lips. “Why?”

It takes a littleverbal nudging, but in the end, it’s not hard to extract information from theknight. What he hears is not far from what he expected – still, it’s less, and he is disappointed in Mitsuhide.

“Well… puttingaside your true feelings, and how you two reallyfeel about each other, it sounds more to me like your words meant for a partnerwho’s been by your side forever, and not for a person who has just confessedtheir feelings to you,” he says, and his glance falls from Mitsuhide’s sourface to the glass in his hands. “I’m not saying that you should revealeverything about yourself, or anything foolish like that. But really, of allpeople, consider just who it is you’re putting on this front for.”

He doesn’t have tolook to sense Mitsuhide tense beside him, and he feels his own fingers tightenaround his glass.

“You coward,” hesays – more to his own reflection in his goblet, than to Mitsuhide sittingbeside him, but he doesn’t have to know. He doesn’t have to know how the oneputting up the biggest front in this whole thing is Hisame Lugis.

The ceramic cupshatters in Mitsuhide’s hand, dragging Hisame out of his short episode ofself-loathe. For a second, Hisame thinks he may have gone too far – it wouldn’tbe a surprise, he tends to overstep boundaries like children hop over thejumping-rope – and he clenches his jaw with a small inward squeak, ready toreceive a punch when Mitsuhide raises from his seat.

“Sir Hisame.”

And yet, Mitsuhidedares to surprise him, greeting him with a civilized smile. “In about two yearsor so, there’s a chance I might actually consider you a good friend.”

Hisame isimpressed, but schools his expression into that of mild indifference. He is notwilling to give it to the man who makes his heart throb so achingly to see himflail over his self-discipline.

Even though hethought he managed to push his buttons justfine…

“Such tolerance.Too much, even,” he remarks pouring another glass, and hands it to Mitsuhide.“Maybe you should learn to work a little harder.”

The knight takesit – the mere millimeters they are short from their fingers to brush could bethe inch between the driftwood and the drowning man.

 *

 Sending the manone loves to the one he loves, andthen hiding behind a tree to spy on them is not the most dignified pastimeactivity ever – but as Earl Seiran personally joins him, Hisame’s only worrybecomes the finiteness of wine in his goblet. If he is to hear a confessionfrom the lips of Mitsuhide, one puny goblet would not support him enough tokeep him on his feet.

Not that he isreally keen to nurture his ridiculous love for Mitsuhide; it is pointless andentirely futile. The knight is penniless, has little word in court, and lovesKiki so dearly he must not have eyes for anyone else. Yet, it feels good totease him, rile him up, and watch his perky little butt and long lean legs ashe marches away. Mitsuhide, in this sense, is a fine specimen: simple, honestand aesthetically pleasing.

Not that Hisamecouldn’t survive a rejection, if he heard it in the roundabout form of aconfession to someone else – he simply loves loving Mitsuhide, for how gullible he is.

He is not reallywilling to give it up just yet.

“I realized, Iwill most likely never marry,” Mitsuhide says then, and Kiki looks just asastonished as her lord father or Hisame himself. “I deeply admire His HignessZen.”

It… it’s not theconfession Hisame readied himself to hear. Not a confession he has ever imagined to hear, and not… not somethinghe can comprehend. He is deafened by the loud drumming of his heart in his ear,and his brain registers though that they are still talking – that Kiki loughsshortly before saying something and the tension disperses from their tone – buthe can’t quite understand a thing.

It takes a fewdeep breaths to focus back on the conversation before him.

“No matter thesituation, I would choose His Highness over anything. When it comes to him, myresolution is absolute,” he hears Mitsuhide saying. He knows that his surprise– his panick – is visible on his face, but hiding in the shades of the tree hehopes no one notices.

As he listens on,it becomes clear that the confession was not of romantic manner. Still, it madehis heart uneasy, and it takes him aback to realize just how big Mitsuhide’seffect can be on him.

“Such a fool,” hemurmurs clicking his tongue. He means it for Mitsuhide – but he also means itfor himself, who has foolishly panicked over… over a love he treats as apastime; a love that entertains him but was never meant to make him allflustered.

“Surprising, isn’tit? Sir Mitsuhide’s respect and affection for His Highness,” he asks Kikilater, letting his feelings find his voice once Mitsuhide leaves them to greetthe knights from Sereg.

“Isn’t it?” Kikiagrees. “It started long ago.”

“From when hefirst became his aide?” he inquires to satisfy his newfound curiosity. It takesKiki a moment to think, and he is willing to wait, intently, for an answer thatmay lull his worries or stir something in him.

The answer Kikicomes up with is more complex than he has thought, and shows her deepunderstanding of the knight.

They fit together well, he thinks with the melancholy of a rival whorealizes he never had any chance. He is not prepared yet, not quite, to saygoodbye to this love he has entertained himself with for long; but he is,slowly, starting to get himself ready for it.

“Perhaps I’ll makeit my jurisdiction then, to never give Sir Mitsuhide any kind words, no matterthe circumstance. You can pass that job my way anytime.”

“Actually, I’d sayit’s your role, rather than jurisdiction,” Kiki says with a smile.

“Indeed,” Hisamelaughs, heart heavy but voice cheerful. “The role of the bad guy!”

 *

 Deep in the nightand after what it feels like at least a gallon of wine, Hisame can say withconviction that Prince Zen seems like the type to trap someone in a room andlock them up until he gets what he wants.

It still gives himslight surprise that neither of the prince’s devoted aides try to refute him –and his curiosity peaks, so much he actually considers cheating himself into amission visit to Wistal sometime in the close future. He doesn’t have thefondest of memories of the prince… maybe it’s time to change that.

“Oh,” he says, asa thought suddenly hits him. “Sir Mitsuhide, what is your plan for tonight?”

It’s not a brightthought. Not when his vivid imagination supplies him with a thousand ways SirMitsuhide could spend his night.

“What do youmean?” the knight asks back, and Hisame is thankful for the wine that makes hislimbs all jelly for mellowing his desire.

If only he hadcontrol over his tongue, too.

“You’re notstaying at house Seiran, right?”

“I’ve been stayingat an inn nearby since yesterday.”

“Oh, is that so?Then let me stay with you!” he asks, smiling away his non-existent guilt overthe Earl’s invitation to stay the night on the Seiran premises. “I’m sure noneof the nearby inns will have any free rooms available.”

Mitsuhide visiblygulps. Hisame approves of the wine’s decision to tease him.

“But,” the knightprotests, “it’s a one-person room.”

“You’re useless,”Hisame says, casting his eyes away as his brain supplies with further images onall the activities that can be enjoyed on a single bed. “I would’ve thoughtthat an aide of His Highness would want to stay in the finest room available.”

“… I justremembered, there’s a couch in there,” Mitsuhide replies innocently.

“In other words,you will be giving me the bed?”

 *

 Moonshine filtersthrough the windows, and Hisame can hear Mitsuhide fumble about – sheetsrustling, followed by the creaking of the sofa – and it takes him all he has inhim to refrain from doing something stupid.

“Sir Hisame, areyou awake?” he hears Mitsuhide asking, and he cannot suppress the sigh breakingon his lips. “That was a sigh just now, wasn’t it?”

He could probablyjump him. Coerce him into something. Steal a kiss from those dumb lips.

Anything.

But it’s hisprinciple not to chase someone who is not interested in him – and his pride, ohhis pride would definitely not survive if he did make a move on the knight.

“What is it, SirMitsuhide?” he asks coldly.

“Sorry, it’s just…I wanted to ask you something.”

He looks so pure.So earnest. So terribly dumb.

Hisame nods forhim to continue.

“Are your mostimportant feelings those that make up your whole self, or those deep within?Which do you think are stronger?”

He sits up,running a hand through his hair.

Should he takethis question seriously, helping this idiot of a knight, who also happens to bethe one he would like to jump just about now? He could think of many ways toopen Mitsuhide’s eyes to reality, but… not one of them required him to use histongue to speak.

Suppressing asigh, he massages his temple and takes a deep breath before he replies,dropping his hand to his side.

“Regardless ofdegree, if your important feelings and whatnot are tied to strength, thenneither the former nor the latter will be very different. If you were to losethose feelings and replace that strength with weakness, the end result is thesame for both. After all, once you lose those feelings, the strength tied tothem also disappears, doesn’t it?”

“I understand.”

“So which is it?For you.”

“The latter. Sincethey are at my core, I’ll be able to continue protecting it until the end of time.Or at least, that’s how I see it.”

“I see. Well then,” Hisame says, turning hisback on Mitsuhide to sleep. “Don’t you have your answer?”

A different answer from mine, he thinks, pulling a blanket over his shoulders. Thefeelings deep within… he finds them ridiculous. He could discard them. Heshould… in order to protect those that make up his whole self.

[officialleehadan]

Blood Magic in Fantasy

So I write a lot of these ‘scholarly’ papers about different kinds of magic. If y’all like them, I can post more.

Also, discussion is awesome! I love talking magic theory, so Ask away!

+++

Blood magic is an interesting topic and one that many researchers tend to shy away from due in large part to the dangers inherent to the practitioners of the same.

This is not an unreasonable stance. Many blood mages are deadly, and no few are also bad-tempered. Some however, are scholars in their own right and are willing to set differences aside to contribute their knowledge.

Blood magic is, in no small part, the magic of iron. As many know, iron can seriously hamper most mage, but it, when usable, is also one of the finest conductors of magic to be had. Recent spells to determine the make-up of objects have revealed that iron is present in many gemstones, and for that reason, is being reevaluated as a magical substance.

Blood has its' own power- that of life force- and so does pain. The two together are a reliable source of magic for those who are barely talented and a valuable resource for the mage who does not wish to use their personal power or need a boost for a spell.

Runes drawn in blood channel magic through their iron and through the life-power they contain. They conduct spells particularly well and for that reason, are favored by many blood mages, although unless the power is anchored in something more substantial, it will fade as soon as the runes are dry. Iron powder and red glass are both popular choices.

A blade with blood forged into it is lethal indeed. It is common for blood mages to be better-than average smiths as well, using iron in ways that many mages would never dream of.

Jewel carvers and jewelers are crafts some blood-mages favor, however both fabric and wood are difficult, for their impermanence. There are exceptions, but they are uncommon at best.

(Personal note: the mages I spoke with on the matter expressed doubt that fabric could be used at all, but one admitted to instances of runes carved in wood and then soaked in blood to both color and power them and suggested that fabric could be used the same way. He promised to try it and inform me of his findings.)

Gemstones are another area that are a surprising specialty of blood mages. Since, although powerful, the magic of blood fades very quickly once spilled, most blood mages use gemstones- ruby particularly- to store that power for later use.

Through the use of gems and blood spilled over time, a blood mage could potentially store far more power in one place than a light-path mage. This allows them to cast incredibly powerful spells, although it takes some time to store the power up.

A blood mage who is willing (and able) to kill can store more power still, since the power of a life ended before its' time is incredible. This power is what tends to draw most blood-mages to their path and what keeps them there.

As for gemstones, very often rubies are the first choice of a blood-mage, both for their color (there is a marked preference for the darker shades, as they tend to be more powerful) and for their iron.

To that, garnet (all shades but particularly red) peridot (green, but still an impressive conductor), emerald (better for life spells however), and sapphire (blue is acceptable, but if the reddish pinks or black are available, those are preferable). Other than those, red-colored gemstones, black-colored gemstones, and fire colors are frequent selections.

Most blood mages avoid pearls and softer stones like opal (with fire opal being the exception) due to their delicate nature. Diamond is avoided for its' strong light-magic and its' tendency to dispel darker magics. Likewise, any gem known for purification is to be avoided. Amethyst in particular was spoken about with amusing distaste.

Stone that contains these gems (Basalt most frequently. Ruby-bearing basalt is rare, but a main reason for the black color of many blood-mage towers. If they can find it, they always build in it) are desired for the building of towers and walls.

For this reason, gemstone mines are in particular peril from blood-mages, as they are a preferred building site for towers and as a source of bodies to power those gemstones.

That said, a blood-mage in a good mood may be willing to trade their protection in exchange for the crafting of their tower and the steady stream of criminals that often plague mines.

Towns built in the shadow of a blood-mage's tower can be very prosperous. Even blood mages have to eat after all, and the protection of their particular magic is not to be lightly set aside. Their very reputation has the pleasant effect of keeping bandits away- and the fate of those bold enough to venture near anyway usually makes the point inescapably.

Frequently the local mage is more than willing to pay- sometimes handsomely- for exceptional gemstones and other components that might be hard to acquire.

Children might very well earn a penny or two just for the work of an afternoon capturing live grasshoppers, mice, or small birds. Components that are common, but that a mage might not wish to spend the time catching themselves when the village children are quite willing.

(Personal note: one of the mages I spoke with pointed out that willingly-shed blood, and accidentally-shed blood have their uses and are considerably harder to come by. These are easier to acquire when the village is willing to trade them for small charms and protections.)

As protectors they are ruthless, but have their own odd brand of kindness as well. Many blood mages turn to their sort of magic because of the terrible things they have survived.

They understand pain and heartbreak intimately, and can be understanding (although not always all that sympathetic) listeners to ones' problems. If they are feeling particularly benevolent, they may offer advice. (Not always wise to take- remember that these are blood mages. Death is a frequent and familiar component in their lives. While it might be satisfying to murder someone who has done you wrong, it is not strictly the best solution.)

As lovers, they are very territorial, and it is unwise to cause them heartbreak. Not often admitted is this- blood mages one and all, tend towards emotional, rather than logical, responses particularly when things are not going well.

Flares of temper are not uncommon and their lover had better be able to face them down in a rage, because such things are an inevitability, not a likelihood. That said, they are loyal past death and love fiercely when they manage to retain enough of themselves to love.

(Personal note: This is a common and very real fear to most blood mages. The loss of self can be a creeping disease that they don't always notice before it consumes them. It nearly always results in the kind of madness that circles the words 'blood-mage' like a rabid wolf.

All of the mages I spoke with knew at least one- frequently a mentor or friend- who had been devoured by their own magic. The more conscientious of those took their own lives when they realized how far they had fallen.

Many times, it was a student or friend who had to take up a curse-blade and end the danger while it could still be contained. There.... there was anger, and some tears as my mages told me of this and it was all too clear that they fear nothing more than the madness.)

These traits can very well mean that having a local blood mage is not strictly a bad thing. Among their other talents, they can be quite able as healers- not with magic but the more common sort.

Some can even be persuaded to midwife, as birthing-blood is another rare component and (according to one of my sources) absolutely cannot be taken from the unwilling if its' potency is to be preserved.

All of this comes together as an interesting puzzle. Most blood mages are dark, some are evil, some are mad. None of these things are inherent to the blood-path, however and it was suggested (with no small amount of vindictive pleasure) that even the lightest mage uses blood sooner or later, although largely unknowing.

What, it was asked, did those light-mages think they were using when they brought up that last bit of power when they were injured but still had to fight. When they put some of themselves into a potion or spell. Birth-spells are always blood magic, although the purest kind.

The last point is truly the most important, and that is the subject of demons. While we of the lighter path shy away from them, blood-mages frequently contact, and sometimes work with demons of varying degrees.

They are also the ones who watch for signs of demon activity beyond the expected. Incursions do happen- several have been recorded- but according to the mages I spoke with, there have been many more that we never knew of until now (the particular mage in question is quite aged and a very fine scholar in her own right.)

She laughed at my surprise, but there was a terrible light in her eyes when she told me of the battles she had been in, before she retreated to the sanctity of her tower. When I asked her for proof of her claims, she revealed a scar that cut between her breasts- a scar which glowed black and was all too clearly demon-born).

Attacks which sometimes cost a great deal to stop while they could be stopped- and which did not allow for the time to call in aid, even if aid was desired.

They also police their own to an extent (as I mentioned above, this often comes at a cost which is all too personal) and watch for blood-mages who are growing too quickly in their art, which is a sure sign of a demon-pact.

The insane who stumble on the power, the sociopathic who do not believe in a greater purpose, and the psychopathic, who see life only as fuel for power- these are the threats that these blood mages have faced in their lives, and continue to face as the payment for the evil they have done themselves- and will continue to do- as long as they live and practice.

This, my colleagues, is why I ventured to speak with our dark-path kin and learn who they are. Without them, we might be facing a far greater threat than even we could imagine- for what would become of us if there was no one watching the shadows for that which we know not of?

+++

Worldbuilding Essays

Blood Magic

Elf Forest

Green Magic

Forge Magic

Thread Magic

Dragons

+++

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[exspirience]

journal - 4th of march 2018

i watched some of spoonofconsciousness’ amazing videos about the matrix, all the perceived restrictions society has placed on us to keep us looking outward instead of in, where the truth lies. it encouraged me to keep looking in on myself to find answers, and i will do this through continued meditation. i then watched a few videos where he interviewed other spiritual people, and it was so reassuring to hear them use all the exact phrases and concepts i came to adopt through my scientific research and by looking into myself for the logical truth - dimensions, higher selves, geometry, cycles of experience, the all that is, the multiverse and the omniverse. it seems that whenever i start to doubt the existence of these things and fear i’m just deluding myself into some mystical fantasy to make my life more interesting, the universe finds a way to say that, no: other people know of this too, they have for thousands of years, this is all so very, very real. i will try to strengthen my faith.

yesterday i watched another episode of tribe by bruce parry and saw the suffering of natives who are being forced to give up their bond with nature’s spirits for promise of better healthcare, only for diseases given to them by loggers and invaders. i so wish i could go back to when times were better and we were happy and grateul and loving and so much closer to the oneness, but i know that’s not the existence i’m meant for at this moment, and that some day, in another life, i’ll be able to return to the home i long for. it’s just not my time yet. i need to accept and love how things are now, an idea the universe has been trying to guide me to for some time - loving everything that is, how it is, and having no desire to change it. 

this is hard for me, because i know how things should be if we are to be happy, and i so desperately want to share that knowledge with the world to help guide people back to peace.

i was guided to a very much needed post in the spirituality tag, reminding me that, while i see the truths behind our reality, i am only one pair of eyes, with only one fragment of the answer, and that every single other person on this planet, no matter what stage of awakening they are at, holds within them another piece of the puzzle. many of my wise ancestors have come to realize their fragments in the distant past, many of my peers are doing so today, and many of my descendants will do so in the future.

i was also reminded by spoonfulofconsciousness that everyone awakens at their own pace, and by a post from a spiritual blog i follow that any change that occurs under influence cannot be considered pure and truthful change. i have heard that some people are alive today to spend their whole lives asleep, and that the karmic lessons they gain from these experiences are exactly what will lead them to enlightenment whenever it is their time.

this makes me wonder: is pursuing my goal of writing a book to help guide people to the truth what i’m meant to be doing? is it my life’s purpose, as i’ve been thinking for weeks? i don’t want to follow the wrong path and initiate change where it isn’t meant to happen, but i don’t want to sit by idly if i could genuinely help us along the right path by communicating my ideas to the world. i know that the greatest gift i can give to the world is my own spiritual awakening and healing, and that this is what i should prioritize, but if i could do more good for the world than that, i would want to. 

i suppose it all comes down to whether it is my purpose or not, and at the moment i don’t know what is. i plan to reach out to a spiritual teacher for advice or a trustworthy reading, but i know ultimately it is my own question to answer.

however, acknowledging that my spiritual journey should be my priority has brought up some new concerns. i’m more than aware that i am in a significantly unsuitable environment for such indepth introspective thinking. i live with the constant, looming presence of my parents, very judgemental people who at this point would never accept or understand anything i was going through. this prevents me from expressing myself how i’d truly like to - i am always having to duck and dodge away from them, and have to wait until late in the night to smoke and meditate. 

on top of that, their behaviours can be very destructive; my mother spends our money on things we don’t need - new bathroom tiles, new clothes, new handbags, a new couch, instead of food or a functioning dishwasher. she also has emotional problems rooted in her childhood that she chooses to take out on every member of the family, especially my poor father who takes the blow for each of her mistakes. even so, i am working on removing my judgement for her and even eventually forgiving her, but i cannot ignore the disruptive energy and unbalance she is bringing to this household. i previously tried to fight against her impact with aggression, which ultimately almost destroyed my parents’ marriage - i wish she would just take responsibility for her actions and acknowledge the effect she is having on all of us. it feels like a fight i just can’t win.

i also have some personal greivances with my parents - a strange sense of stubbornness stemming from my childhood and all throughout my life, where i feel i have to prove myself to them - prove i am who i say i am, that this is my personality, my identity, and that i will not back down from it or ever let them have the last word. unraveling this, coming to peace with it, forgiving myself and opening up to them even when they do not to me will be one of the bigger milestones in my journey, and will serve me greatly as it is such a personal and intimate source of conflict. opening my heart to people i’ve been psychologically battling with my entire life is a frightening thought, but one i know i must tackle thoroughly sooner or later.

another challenge is that i also have a close bond with my younger brother - a young boy who spends all of his time obsessively gaming and distracting himself, keeping up with every social trend imaginable. he constantly begs me for money to upgrade something as insignificant as his gaming setup, because he has been told that this is what will make him happy, and persistently begs for new video games to play with me. he is so overwhelmingly in touch with current societal culture, that he ends up drawing me in to it - forcing me to readopt the ego i’m so desperately trying to rid myself of, putting on the mask of my personality again and indulging in his futile distractions for hours and hours of my day, sometimes for entire days at a time. 

additionally, he becomes very upset when i do not spend time with him - he has plenty of school and online friends but doesn’t usually hang out with anyone in person, i am essentially his best friend and his only source of company when he is at home. this means that whenever i decide to take a day to meditate on myself and explore the knowledge that awaits me, i both have to suffer through him intermediately barging into my room and demanding my presence, and then i must turn him down and nurse him so he isn’t upset by it. and even after that, he makes me swear to spend time with him the next day to make up for it.

i so very deeply need time to myself in this step of my journey - time to abandon the persona i put on when i’m around other people and focus on only behaving according to the voice in my mind, and then challenging problematic and restricting parts of said mind to fully dissolve my ego and open myself up to love. it’s like i’m living a double life - a witty, sarcastic, fun loving fellow people know as alex, and a deep, sorrowful, grateful and kind soul who only wishes to overcome the boundaries it has set up for itself to prevent it from being who it truly is, the person who will add love to the world simply by being. i feel so torn, not wanting to disappoint my brother but also being unable to stay away from my calling.

at the moment, my best solution to this is to adjust my sleep time table so that i sleep through the day when the others are awake, and to wake during the night to exist only as me, completely alone in my room, so that i have the quiet time i need to fully immerse myself into my true form, my soul. when i am in this state, that i accomplish through meditation, sometimes combined with smoking and a ceremony, i can feel my ego physically eroding away - dissolving into nothingness, leaving only my core being behind. i feel otherworldly, i understand every thought and feeling i have, i know exactly who i am, where i came from and how i got here. waking up the following afternoon is so incredibly jarring, being forced to take on the role of alex once again... sometimes i feel like i’m just leading a fake life, which, essentially i am, but because it fits so naturally with the constructed world around me, it’s the path i so often find myself taking.

what i really, truly need in order to nurture my spiritual soul is a long, isolated period of time, time for me to cast aside the briefly satisfying distractions and the everweighing obligations that do nothing but hold me back from achieving my life’s purpose. and while it is stressful that i cannot yet be in that environment, i must remain diligent, calm and patient, and know that better times are coming, so there is no reason to resent the now. still though, i can’t help but long for a better time, a better place - but longing will do nothing on its own, and stressing will only detriment that journey. i must work with what i have each and every day, constantly taking steps towards my goal and living in the now. this is what i must meditate on and put into practice if i am to live a happy life and reach my goal.

[runespoor7]

Iris’ Broken Circle: the end

She ends up letting the desire demon and her bewitched Templar go, because I managed to convince myself I don't have any other Warden that might do that (...*side-eyes Mahariel anyway*), and you can let them go by saying the situation they're in is intriguing, rather than because you're touched by the love story.

Now, on to the Fade!

- fourth time playing it (or maybe fifth? I don't remember if I'd gone so far with Aeducan the first time, before I decided I wanted to play it otherwise) if I count the time I was just watching Dem play. I still love it, the gameplay is so different from the rest of the game, and I always love “voyages to the centre of the mind”. This time, I had Morrigan and Zevran with me as opposed to... Alistair and Leliana... so that might have helped with my impression that I was doing new things. Iris is also the first mage I'm playing through the Fade, and Mana Clash makes short work of a lot of things. Golems are huge threats, but aside from that...

- the entry vision: it's a given that for a lot of PC it's not going to be much their characters wish for (aside from the assurance that the Blight is over), but in Iris' case it was almost a total misfire. It wasn't more of a misfire than it was with Tabris, but...”You've been at Weisshaupt for some time now/The Gray Wardens shall be keepers of history. We shall tell tales […] of a more tumultuous time, that others may rejoice in knowing that that time is past./Can you not be content with the peace I offer” is pretty much guaranteed Iris kryptonite. What about the travels. What about the thrills??

- upon meeting Niall, I learnt that Iris had decided he's a demon. Apparently her rule for the Fade is “if it's not me, it's a trick”. Not that she minds: if it's not her, it means she can trick it, or negotiate with it, or otherwise deal with it, as the case may be. But still, as far as she's concerned, Niall is Fake!Niall.

- after running around trying on four other shapes (it is pretty cool, she's tempted to ask Morrigan for how to do it), she finally stumbles into... Zevran's nightmare.

- At this point I note that Zevran's mind is casting two Dalish elves in the roles of his Crow torturers, which reminds me: canon/early canon said that Dalish are considered adults after they've earned their vallaslin. Which involves enduring the tattooing without crying out. If you do, you're considered immature, and the Keeper stops; better luck in a few months! I remember fans wondering why we never saw people with half-finished vallaslin (there's a Doylist answer, but let's assume for a moment the devs would make the assets for a background NPC), and now I look at Zevran, with his tattoo on half his face, and with his story that he'd fled to join the Dalish once but the reality didn't live up to his expectations, and with his mind deciding Dalish would stand in for the Crows, and I wonder.

(in case you're wondering, Zevran's tattoo doesn't look that much like a DA:O vallaslin, however unfinished, unless you assume that different clans have their own takes on each vallaslin – which seems much more likely to me than assuming they're all using the same without regional variants! If we're admitting variants, based on the available designs, Zevran's tat could be part of a vallaslin of: June, Dirthamen, or Andruil. I feel Andruil would be a good design for Zevran, perhaps even the best suited to him with Falon'Din. But if Zevran was ditching the Crows, would he have stuck to an identity as a hunter? It's less unlikely than “friend of the dead”, probably.)

- she still gets Fade!Zevran out of there. (Me, I note that Zevran's first reaction being “but you're not supposed to be here!” when the Warden says something is incredibly pleasing to my shipping Iris/Zevran.) Then Fade!Zevran  starts to disappear and she reaches out, and then he's gone and she finds herself a bit nonplussed as she puts her arm down and wonders if that Zevran was real or not. Probably real. The nightmare held similarities to her own entry vision in, it felt like an illusion meant to keep Zevran trapped. She remains staring at the rack for a minute after Fade!Zevran's disappeared.

- then she finds Morrigan, and Morrigan is-- oh, Iris cannot imagine a demon impersonating Morrigan with such accuracy. It's the real Morrigan, and she's as aware of Fake!Flemeth being a fake and she in the Fade that Iris has been for a while now. She's also exceedingly annoyed with the proceedings, both the interactions with the spirit, and her subsequent disappearing, in a manner that I-the-player finds absolutely hilarious. (Not related: I note that Fake!Flemeth slaps Morrigan for not showing respect, and Morrigan says “there, that's more like it!”. I assume it's because Fake!Flemeth's attempts at cloyingness were even faker than this, but I don't think I'll take it for meaning Flemeth was physically abusive with Morrigan, especially about “respect”. I can imagine Flemeth hitting Morrigan when she'd returned with her mirror, though.)

- Wynne's nightmare is so very very creepy. The part where the dead apprentice speaks and asks her to stay with them in the embrace of the earth. Iris thought that was creeeeepy, and that's not a reaction she has very often. Connor was grotesque; Amalia's fascination with the talking cat was disquieting and kind of creepy; dead apprentice begging their teacher to join them in death? Creeeeeeeepy.

Wynne says she's always had an affinity for the Fade, and Iris' gut reaction was to think that she, Iris, really doesn't, but she's had to pause her reaction. She does find navigating the Fade easy, or at least... kind of pleasant. She can obtain what she wants from its inhabitants. Isn't that having an affinity, too? It's like since her Harrowing, and with the multiple opportunities she's had, she's good at this. Before, most of what she knew about the Fade came lectures on the dangers of the Fade and assigned readings. They made it sound so boring. And it was never practical, of course, so it was just... endless lecturing... no wonder she'd liked spellcasting better. Making things go boom = much more fun! And even so they had to go oh so slowly. Again, no wonder Iris had to try things on her own. ...despite Jowan's fear that she would get in trouble. She was careful, though, partly to humor him and partly because she knew better, she's always known better. So very often she had to be content with imagining how her spell would go if she cast it like so and so, as her testing time was always limited. So even on her own, it was slow, she had to hide, and then sometimes she had to come up with a clever lie on the spot, when she was just a little too good at something they weren't supposed to have studied yet. ...Until finally Irving took her under his wing.

- to truly understand how easy playing as Iris made soloing the bosses, you need to remember that three of the four bosses are magic-based (demons and such), so Mana Clash does them in. And the last boss is blocked behing a Massive Door, so you can just cast Tempests and Shocks and Cones of Cold until he dies, without ever opening the door.

- Iris is almost entirely lacking in empathy regarding Niall, to an extent that I find surprising even for her. She finds him whiny. She talks the talk of saying right-ish things because he's dying, but she's got things to be doing here. (“can't he die any faster” - not an actual thing she's thinking but the gist) Up to the point where he starts talking about his mother, and how she used to tell him, before the Circle, that he was meant for greatness, greater than their ancestors ever dreamt of, and then Iris snaps. “Are you done reminiscing?”

Then we're out of the Fade again, and then we meet Cullen.

...yep, so Cullen is pretty lucky there's no option to fight and kill him, because I wouldn't do it as he's a returning character, but I would sure need finagling to ensure Iris doesn't. If Iris wanted “to guarantee that no abominations […] live”, she'd start with him. Only way to be sure, right? How long did he spend with only blood mages and demons for company, how is he any less a risk as the others up there? He as good as admitted to demons tempting him and showing him things he wanted, right?

On the bright side, Zevran comments on Cullen revealing that he has a crush on Amell. (“Someone was quite the little heartbreaker when they were an apprentice. My, my.” I am playing the perfect character for this, I am so satisfied.) On the less bright side, it's actually less rewarding than what Iris thought – she thought it was... she basically thought she was exploiting a crush and Cullen being very much a templar apprentice*, see. If it turns out that Cullen was in love with her, well, suddenly, nothing she did mattered. It wasn't that she was good at manipulation, it was just that he'd fabricated something made-up in his head.

*I would love to get why there where only male templars in Kinloch Hoch. Doylist explanation is that Bioware decided it shouldn't be gendered after the game was out, but I want a Watsonian explanation... ;_; are we supposed to imagine there are also female templars in Kinloch Hoch? ...probably, actually. (;_; it's very hard given what we see in Broken Circle) See Templar lady chasing Anders. Or maybe Greagoir sends templar ladies on the roads and keeps only guys standing watch on the actual Tower. Maybe because it's supposed to keep down the risk of fraternization?

But on the other hand, it means that when Cullen's going off the deep end in Kirkwall, Iris can look back at her past self and kick herself for not making more of an effort to put him down when she could have had the opportunity! (the problem was Wynne.)(chances are Iris never will, but you never know, right?)

- the convo with Uldred is so different from every other confrontation with Uldred I ever made! There's an option to say “I suppose we are similar, in some ways” unprompted which I don't remember seeing before – it's probably because Iris is a blood mage – and I hastened to take it. I like that I was able to play this confrontation in an IC manner, that was pretty fun, from Iris saying “of course [some mages] are [stubbornly resisting you]! You're trying to destroy their lives!” to “No, I think it is you that should serve me” (that latter was mostly because she got a kick out of saying it, but you never know with demons). At the very end of the fight, Zevran fell, and Iris had no choice but to turn to fueling her last couple of spells with her own blood, so that was something. When Uldred addressed Irving to tell him she was there, she suddenly wondered if Uldred was going to tell Irving she was a blood mage, she knows Uldred could tell.

- Iris' feelings about Irving are complicated and so better shoved in a drawer in the darkest corner of her mind and sealed.

- ...she does have the most inappropriate moment of glee when Irving says “curse whoever insisted the Circle be built in a tower.” Ha, take that, Alistair! ...and then she immediately chides herself because that's Irving making a joke, and being mentally friendly with Irving is no-no.

- and then it's back to Greagoir and Iris wishing she got Cullen killed, and then Iris wondering if Greagoir didn't get stealth possessed or something because he thanks her and tells her she's proven herself to be a friend of both the Circle and the templars, and Iris has never been the friend of either of the two one day in her life and if she could drown all the people who'd talked about killing the mages in the Tower she'd do it in an instant and not feel a hint of remorse?

- I the player am not shipping Irving/Greagoir any less than usual but I think Iris has big enough blinders about both of them not to think about it rn. I think she considered it when she was younger, and now their interactions are just their interactions. It's not something worth analyzing whether they're fucking or not, it's just business as usual. It could come up at some point if Zevran asks her about her life or that return to the Circle or if she ever finds it in her to open up about how complicated her feelings about Irving have gotten.

The complicated feelings about Irving that Iris is totally not having aren't getting any less complicated by the convo with Irving himself. “I am glad you arrived when you did. It's almost as though the Maker Himself sent you.” So she's going to answer that as neutrally as she can, because no feelings, feelings are bad. “The Blight drove me here to seek aid.”

Holy shit I had forgotten you can turn down Wynne's offer to join. ...That's... a little bit tempting, because blood magic. But Iris isn't a Circle mage anymore, Grey Wardens aren't bound by the Circle's rules, and there is a Blight to be won.

[pamphletstoinspire]

7 Surprising Things the Characters of the Christmas Story Taught Me About Myself

Written By - Ruth Baker

If you were to walk through the narrative of the Nativity story, you’d know it pretty well, right? That’s not a trick question, because I agree, we all know it very well. But what if the reason why we know it so well isn’t just because we’ve heard it year in, year out since we were babies? What if it was for another, deeper reason?

What if each of the main players of the Nativity story magnified certain characteristics of our heart? What if in the Nativity story, we found ourselves at our deepest level, in the hearts of those we read about?

When I approach each one of the main characters from the Christmas story, I see that they correspond directly to something in my heart. I think that’s the same for all of us. They were ordinary people thrown into extraordinary situations. How they responded shows us the truth of their hearts, and it shows us ours, too.

To explain this, I’m going to approach the stable from the outside in, counting down through seven people of the Nativity story who have taught me something deep about myself.

7. Herod: The Part of Me That Doesn’t Want Another King

Herod is the part of me that does not want another king, that does not want to bow down before anything else that is not myself. This part of me is completely ruled by my fear, the fear that I am not enough. This fear distills itself into pride, to prove that I am enough by myself, rather than enough when completed by Christ. Herod is the part of me that will defend my own kingdom no matter the cost, (Matt 2:16) the part of me that ignores the desire of my heart to worship the God who created me, and instead turns to other idols and addictions to appease my ego. It is the part of me that despises the call to “be like little children”. It is the part of me that wants power, unchecked.

6. Herod’s Advisors: My Knowledge of God That I Ignore

Matthew’s Gospel (Matt 2:3) tells us that “the whole of Jerusalem”- not just Herod- was perturbed by the news that there was to be an infant King of the Jews. Herod gathered chief priests and the scribes of the people around him. They were able to tell him exactly of the prophecy of the leader of Judah. They had knowledge of God and of the child that would be born. But where were they when Herod commanded all boys aged two and under to be massacred? Did they try to stay his hand? Herod’s advisors are the part of my heart that has knowledge of God, but does not follow that up with love, simply ignoring it, or worse still, lets evil reign. It is the part of my heart that is completely ruled by fear, and does nothing to abate others’ suffering or fear. Perhaps that is why Jesus tells us so many times in the Gospels to “be not afraid”, because He knows how much sin stems from fear.

5. The Three Kings: My Deepest Desires

When I think of the Three Kings, sometimes called the Wise Men, of the gospels and tradition, I think of a rich sense of adventure. These men and their journey are the part of my heart that knows I am made for more and that yearns for an adventure to find that.

Though they were strangers from a far off unnamed land, they were not content until they had followed their deepest longings to find the infant king of the Jews (Matt 2:2). How far beyond themselves they must have gone! Beyond their own countries, their own cultures, presumably their own religion. But something in them was stirred and they could not ignore it. How often do we feel an awakening in our hearts, an unquenchable desire for more, for something beyond us? We know that we are made for more than what we have- this is why we keep searching for more in ourselves. As C.S Lewis wrote: “If I find in myself desires which nothing in this world can satisfy, the only logical explanation is that I was made for another world.” (From Mere Christianity)

The Wise Men recognised this, and we recognise it in ourselves, in the desires of our heart that cannot fully be quenched. Indeed, the meaning of the verb “desire” relates to the stars themselves. Like the Wise Men, we will follow that star, that desire, where ever it takes us. Perhaps too the Wise Men represent the true moments of joy in our lives, the times when we recognise how close God is to us, when God takes us on an adventure beyond our wildest dreams, when God shows us what we are longing for, and allows us to kneel close before Him.

4. The Shepherds: My Poverty

If the Three Kings are the rich, high-spirited sense of adventure in my heart, then the shepherds are the poorer side of that desire. The shepherds represent the poverty of my heart. “In the countryside close by there were shepherds who lived in the fields and took it in turns to watch their flocks during the night”. (Luke 2:8). Let us consider again who the shepherds were. Most likely poor, perhaps not able to feed their children, slave to the drudgery of whatever work they could find. They lived in a land occupied by a brutal, hostile conqueror. Their beliefs and customs were barely tolerated. They were an oppressed people, no stranger to violence and injustice and the rigours of the natural and animal world that they watched over. No strangers to the night, to shadowy dealings in the darkness.

Yet at the same time, they knew how to care, how to go after the lost lamb, how to keep their flock together, and safe from the prey that would be out to kill their sheep. The shepherds were the ones that “hurried” to the manger after the angels had visited them. They were the ones to tell Mary and Joseph what they had heard about the saviour that had been born, “astonishing” everyone who heard them with what they had to say. Truly, they were the epitome of the Beatitudes: the meek who inherit the earth, the ones that hunger and thirst for righteousness.

The shepherds are the part of me that recognises my poverty, that my heart is occupied by sin, that I can be a slave to the brutality of other’s sin that trespasses on the sacred land of my heart. It is the part of me that longs to return home, to receive the grace that calls me out of the shadows of the night and into the warmth of the stable. It is the part of me that throws down all I have (not much), that takes up my best self, my desires, all the times I try so hard to do what is right. It is the part of me that takes a chance on hope, that hurries out into the night to search for my God. It is the part of me that knows and trusts that God can fill up my emptiness with something the world cannot give. It is the part of me that knows, eventually, my poverty does not matter: the joy of meeting God is a richness beyond anything I could ever hope to possess.

3. Joseph: Courage and Strength

I think the worst times in life are the times when something so terrible has happened that it feels as though the earth has been ripped from beneath you and the map of your life (which you could see so clearly ahead of you) has been torn up. It is a disorientating place to be, besides whatever other suffering you may be experiencing. I wonder if this is how Joseph felt when he heard the news of Mary’s pregnancy. Reassurances from an angel aside, courage and strength was required for probably longer than we give St Joseph credit for. Perhaps it was a daily learning to re-calibrate his will to the will of the Father.

Joseph is the part of my heart that says yes, God, I will trust in You, and I will take on what is not my own, and I will exercise true love in putting what is best for the other person above what I want. Joseph is the part of my heart that accepts that God’s plan is better than my own, the part of my heart that acknowledges that even when I feel like a stranger in my own life, I can still trust that God has my life in His caring hands.

Joseph is the part of my heart that does what is right, simply because it is right, but that exercises that rightness with love and care. He is the part of my heart that is foster-parent to the plans of my life that come from God and not from me, but which I do not bulk from, knowing that fear is not of God and that I do not need to be afraid of what God’s gives me.

2. Mary: My Heart at My Most Deepest and Purest

Mary is the part of me that sits in peace before the Father, knowing that I don’t need to hide anything before Him. She is the part of my heart that is openly trusts in God, knowing that He is good and that whatever He asks of me is good. She is the part of my heart that knows God is God and I am not. But she is also the part of my heart that knows I am not defined by that “not”. She is the part of my heart that knows I am defined by my place as a son or daughter of the King, that I am “clothed with strength and dignity” (Proverbs 31:25) and that all my actions and choices in life come through that definition.

She is the part of my heart that knows God’s gift of free will, and she is the part of my heart that knows that in trustful obedience we discover our true selves and true happiness.

1. Christ: The Desire of My Heart

Each of these characters, in varying different ways and depths, had direct encounters with the child in the manger. Gathered around Him at the stable, He poses us the biggest challenge of our lives: dare we get to know Him, dare we respond to who He is? Dare we listen to His calling in the quietest chambers of our heart, where nothing else dares to tread? Most of all, dare we still ourselves enough to sit in His presence and feel His peace?

We are all asked this. Each character had their own free will to choose how they would respond. We are not called to chop ourselves up to get through the narrow door of the stable. We are merely asked to lay our baggage down outside. There is room for each one of our characters, whether we respond with the zeal of high adventure, or the haphazard exhausted scrabble of one who makes it just in time. There is room for us whether we cast our crowns down from the moment we first hear of Him, or whether we fling them off as we catch His mother’s eye as we approach her Child. The important thing is to come to the manager with an open heart. God will do the rest.

Click below to see story with related images:

https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/7-surprising-things-characters-christmas-story-taught-harold-baines/?published=t

[fear-god-shun-evil]

Is Working Hard Equivalent to Obeying God?

By Jinyan

Li Xin is a co-worker in a church. Over the years of her belief in the Lord, she has always enthusiastically expended and worked for the Lord and has suffered and paid a price for Him. No matter what the church needed her to do, she would actively do it; even when faced with the danger of being arrested and persecuted by the CCP, she still persisted in spreading the gospel. She firmly believed that her forsaking and expending for the Lord was obeying God, that the Lord would definitely take delight in her, and that she would surely have a place in the kingdom of heaven in the future.

One day, she went to support some weak brothers and sisters with Sister Lin. On their way back, they bumped into Sister Dong, and then the three of them began to chat while sitting on an out-of-the-way lawn.

Out of the blue, Sister Lin asked, “Do you think that our forsaking, expending and working hard for the Lord means that we are people who obey God?”

“Yes, of course. The Lord Jesus said, ‘Truly I say to you, There is no man that has left house, or parents, or brothers, or wife, or children, for the kingdom of God’s sake, Who shall not receive manifold more in this present time, and in the world to come life everlasting’ (Luke 18:29–30). The words of the Lord say it so clearly: Genuinely expending for God requires us to forsake everything. Since we are still able to persist in preaching the gospel to bear witness for God and expending for God in persecution and tribulations, this is truly obeying God and also is partaking in the adversities, kingdom and patience of Christ. This is something that God commemorates the most, so we will surely gain God’s approval and blessings and be brought into the heavenly kingdom by Him!” After saying this, Li Xin then asked in confusion, “Sister Lin, why did you suddenly ask this?”

Sister Lin said, looking distressed, “I also used to firmly believe that as long as we toil and work for the Lord, then we are people who obey God and will certainly be approved by God. But recently my husband told me that although we are able to cast aside everything, spend and work hard for the Lord, this doesn’t necessarily mean that we are obeying God. The Pharisees also worked hard and traveled all over the lands and seas to spread the gospel for God, but were they people who obeyed God? They were actually not approved by God. Hearing what he said, I didn’t know how to respond. So I’ve been pondering these days: Is toiling, working, forsaking, and expending for the Lord really the same as obeying God?”

Li Xin opened her mouth but didn’t know what to say, and she then sank into deep thought.

Sister Dong said, “I always used to be perplexed by this too, but after fellowshiping several times with my cousin, I finally figured out this issue. It seems from the outside that we are obeying God by forsaking, expending, suffering and paying a price for Him, but can we guarantee that there are no personal intentions within it? If we abandon everything and expend ourselves merely to gain blessings and enter the kingdom of heaven to receive rewards, or for our own interests and selfish desires, then can we say that such kind of suffering and expenditure is obeying God? Can we be approved by God and enter the heavenly kingdom? Let’s talk about the Pharisees. They had expended for God for generations and traveled to the ends of the earth spreading the gospel for God, appearing on the surface to have endured much hardship and paid many prices. But when the Lord Jesus came, they, in order to protect their own status and livelihood, not only didn’t lead the common Jewish people to follow God’s work, but instead took every opportunity to condemn and oppose the Lord Jesus. Would you say that their expenditure and work was obeying God?”

“No,” Sister Lin shook her head and said.

Sister Dong went on saying, “From this we can see that, if our intentions in working and expending are incorrect, which are not to love or satisfy God, but for our own profits and extravagant desires, then we can’t say that we are obeying God. For example, there are many people who forsake, expend, suffer and pay the price on the outside, but their purpose is to obtain blessings and rewards, and to enter the kingdom of heaven and gain eternal life. Therefore, when their families are peaceful and God’s blessing and grace are with them, they vigorously expend themselves for God. But once they encounter disasters, refinements, or trials, they are able to make complaints, resist God, and rebel against God at any time. Even if they continue to expend for God after that, they no longer do it willingly and happily, but become slack in their work and just muddle through. Obviously, this sort of expenditure is not out of consideration for the Lord’s will or to perform their duties as created beings, nor is it out of love or obedience for the Lord, but instead is for the sake of receiving blessings and rewards. They see toiling and working as a bargaining chip to enter the kingdom of heaven, trying to use their forsaking and expending to conduct transactions with God and obtain blessings in the kingdom of heaven. Isn’t that using and cheating the Lord? The Lord Jesus said, ‘Many will say to Me in that day, Lord, Lord, have we not prophesied in Your name? and in Your name have cast out devils? and in Your name done many wonderful works? And then will I profess to them, I never knew you: depart from Me, you that work iniquity’ (Matthew 7:22–23). Why did the Lord call those who spread the gospel, exorcised demons and performed miracles in the name of the Lord evil people and say He never knew them? This is because although they might appear to give things up, expend themselves, preach and work for God, their motive is not to satisfy God, but for their own personal interests, and is merely to gain blessings and enter the kingdom of heaven to get rewards. Therefore, even if they could expend their entire lives for God, they would never gain God’s approval. This is enough to show that, those who haven’t had their corrupt dispositions cleansed and whose expenditure for God contains their personal motives and adulterations cannot become people who obey God, so how can they be qualified to enter God’s kingdom? There is a passage which explains this issue very clearly. Let me read it to you.”

While saying this, Sister Dong took a tablet out of her bag and began to read: “If your faith is not built upon the foundation of obedience to God, then you will ultimately be punished as a result of opposing God. All those who do not seek obedience to God in their faith oppose God. God asks that people seek the truth, that they thirst for God’s words, and eat and drink God’s words, and put them into practice, so that they may achieve obedience to God. If your motivations are truly thus, then God will surely raise you up, and will surely be gracious toward you. No one can doubt this, and no one can change it. If your motivations are not for the sake of obedience to God, and you have other aims, then all that you say and do—your prayers before God, and even your every action—will be in opposition to God. You may be soft-spoken and mild-mannered, your every action and expression may look right, you may appear to be one who obeys, but when it comes to your motivations and your views about faith in God, everything you do is in opposition to God, and evil.” Sister Dong then fellowshiped, “God examines our innermost hearts. If we work and expend ourselves in order to love and satisfy God and to carry out His will, then God will bless and grace us. But if our motivation is to enter the kingdom of heaven and receive rewards, then this type of forsaking and expending carries Satan’s tricks and is out of the desire to gain blessings. We are just using superficial good behavior to cheat and defy God and conduct transactions with Him, so we will never be able to obtain God’s praise.”

After listening to this, Li Xin sank into deep thought: “All these years, I’ve always believed without doubt that since I can make sacrifices, bear hardships and pay the price, I am carrying out God’s will, and that I am someone who truly obeys God and will definitely have a place in the kingdom of heaven. But what Sister Dong fellowshiped also sounds reasonable and I can’t say anything about that …”

Li Xin calmed herself down and said, “Sister Dong, the passage you’ve just read is very practical. I’ve never realized that my abandoning everything and working hard for the Lord is not done out of love or obedience for God, but instead is done to strike a deal with Him and to obtain a righteous crown in return. Thinking about it now, I see that working with a transactional motive is indeed not obeying God.”

Sister Lin said, “It’s true. It turns out that those who expend themselves for God with their own intentions cannot obtain God’s approval at all. After listening to your fellowship, I feel much brighter in my heart. It seems that obeying God isn’t as simple as we imagine. So Sister Dong, can you tell us what it means to truly obey God?”

“Yeah,” Li Xin went on to say, “this is also what I wanted to ask. Hurry up and tell us!”

Sister Dong said, “In regard to this question, let me read you a passage of sermons: ‘Truly obeying God is acting completely according to the meaning of God, with none of people’s meaning mixed in; truly obeying God is obeying God’s orchestration and arrangements absolutely, with none of people’s choices; truly obeying God is completely dedicating oneself and being loyal to the doing of God’s will until the very end; truly obeying God is the exclusion of people’s intentions, not subject to the control of any person, matter or thing and acting entirely to satisfy God. In true obedience there is no disobedience, no resistance, no trading and no conditions; there is only loyalty and obedience. It is being completely considerate of God’s intentions and completely satisfying God, just so that the will of God may be done. People who show such obedience are truly obedient to God.’”

Sister Dong then fellowshiped, saying, “We can see from this passage that, true obedience is dedicating one’s all to loving God and satisfying God, without personal motives and adulterations or any requests of God. Those who are able to achieve this have true faith in God and can submit to God’s orchestrations and arrangements unconditionally, and they are people who truly do God’s will. When God commanded Noah to build an ark, for example, Noah simply accepted and obeyed what God said. Even though he knew it would take a lot of time, work and money to build such a big ark, he never gave a thought to his own profits but simply did as God instructed without reservation. When God told him that He would destroy the earth with the flood, he didn’t consider how his end and destination would be after the ark was completed. Noah listened and obeyed for the sake of satisfying God; he neither considered his own personal interests nor made plans and arrangements for his own future. In the end, he was blessed by God and his family of eight survived. Peter is another example. He spent his entire life spreading the gospel and watering and shepherding the churches for the Lord, during which time he suffered a lot and was imprisoned several times, and his life was constantly in danger. Despite this, he was able to obey without fear or cowardice and only wanted to satisfy God and complete His commission. In the end, when he escaped from the prison and was about to continue working for the Lord, the Lord appeared to him. Having understood that God’s will was for him to be nailed to the cross, he did not give any thought to himself but returned to the city of Rome without hesitation. Finally, he was crucified upside down for the Lord and achieved the ultimate love of God and obedience to the point of death.”

Hearing this, Li Xin nodded involuntarily and said calmly, “Thank the Lord! Sister Dong, after hearing what you’ve fellowshiped today, I’ve finally understood that those who truly obey God are people who expend for God without making any demands, and who do not blame or resist God no matter the environment but are able to put all their hearts and strength into fulfilling their duties as created beings to satisfy God. But look at myself—although I am expending for God on the outside, my intention is not entirely to satisfy God. When my work bore a little fruit, I felt that I would surely receive great blessings in the kingdom and maybe could rule eight or ten cities, and the thought of this gave me more zeal to run around and do works for the Lord. However, when my work didn’t bear fruit or when I encountered failures or setbacks, I would become negative and wonder whether God had forsaken me. Although I didn’t dare to make complaints, in my heart I blamed and misunderstood God, losing my strength to work and expend. It seems now that I am a far cry away from truly obeying God, so how can I possibly be qualified to enter the kingdom of heaven?”

Nodding, Sister Lin said with emotion, “Thanks be to the Lord! Through today’s fellowship, I’ve understood what truly obeying God means. I remember these words from the Lord: ‘You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind’ (Matthew 22:37). Working hard is not the same as obeying God. Only if we have true obedience to God and love God with all our heart and soul can we become people who do God’s will, and only then will we be able to enter the kingdom of heaven.”

Li Xin and Sister Dong said with one accord, “Amen!”

[love-god-forever]

Devotional Life: 3 Ways to Get a Fresh Start With God

By Xun Qiu

Every Christian knows that believing in God requires a normal spiritual life, namely spiritual devotion. It is the foundation of establishing a proper relationship with God and the way of practice that is absolutely necessary in the growth of our spiritual life. Then, how should we practice spiritual devotion to achieve good results? Today, let’s communicate this aspect of the truth together.

First, we should focus on quieting our hearts before God in our spiritual devotions, which is the precondition for obtaining the work of the Holy Spirit.

Many of us can regularly practice spiritual devotion every day but we often can’t quiet our hearts during that time, for sometimes we are preoccupied with some family matters or work stuff, or are anxious to deal with these problems quickly. As a result, our spiritual devotions are just abiding by a rule, because our bodies are here while our hearts are elsewhere. The Lord Jesus said, “God is a Spirit: and they that worship Him must worship Him in spirit and in truth” (John 4:24). This is God’s requirement of us. Obtaining the work of the Holy Spirit and achieving good results in spiritual devotions require worshiping God with an honest heart. During our spiritual devotions, if we are distracted by outward matters, such as our work or lives, and thus we go through the motions and wait for the end of spiritual devotions, then we can only understand the literal meaning of God’s words and gain no enlightenment. In this case, after spiritual devotions, we won’t feel enriched at all. Spiritual devotions like this won’t produce any results.

God’s words say, “Every one of you must take time away from every person, matter, and object for your personal spiritual devotionals, where you will be able to bring peace to your heart and quiet yourself before God. You should have your own individual devotional notes where you can record your knowledge of God’s word and how your spirit has been moved, regardless of whether what you write down is profound or superficial. Quiet your heart before God with intention. If you can dedicate one or two hours to a true spiritual life during the day, then your life that day will feel enriched and your heart will be bright and clear. If you live this kind of spiritual life on a daily basis, then you will be able to give your heart to God more and more, your spirit will become stronger and stronger, your condition will become better and better, you will become more capable of walking the path led by the Holy Spirit, and God will bestow more and more blessings upon you.” From these words we know that if we want to achieve good results in spiritual devotions and gain the work of the Holy Spirit, we should spend one or two hours a day in practicing putting away family or work matters with intention, quieting our hearts before God and praying for Him to lead us to understand His words in a quiet place. Only in this way can we be able to pour our whole hearts into God’s words. When God sees our hearts of seeking the truth, He will enlighten and guide us. This way, not only will we be able to have some understanding of God’s will, we will also come to know our own shortcomings and deficiencies. In addition, we should take our devotional notes every day, recording at any time how our spirits have been enlightened, so that we can read and ponder over these notes at ordinary times. By practicing quieting our hearts before God like this every day, we will be spiritually keen and be able to seek God more when encountering matters. This being so, we will grow closer and closer to God and our life will grow quickly.

Second, we should not read God’s words in an aimless way; we should read God’s words pertaining to our practical difficulties and shortcomings.

Spiritual devotion should focus on solving practical problems and difficulties. Only thus can we be able to better understand God’s will and requirements and bring God’s words into real life to solve our practical problems. Only spiritual devotion that achieves such a result is true spiritual devotion. However, most of the time, we just keep to the outward practices in our spiritual devotions. When we open up the word of God but have no idea what to read, we just aimlessly flick through the book and read what we see. As a result, because we read God’s words without any objectives and don’t seek the truths after that, our problems still remain as before. This kind of spiritual devotion won’t achieve any results. God’s words say, “When you eat and drink the words of God, you must measure your own real state against them. That is, after you discover the shortcomings in yourself during your real experiences, you must be capable of finding a path to practice, and turning your back on your incorrect motivations and notions. If you always try hard in this and you always pour your heart into these things, you will have a path to follow, you will not feel empty, and thus you will be able to maintain a proper state. Only then will you be someone who carries a burden in your own life, and only then will you be someone who has faith.”

From these words, we can see that we should purposefully read God’s words, that is, consciously find and read some relevant parts of God’s words according to our practical states and difficulties. God’s words will reveal our wrong motivations and notions and point out to us the right path of practice. Then we should put aside our own incorrect motivations and opinions and act based on God’s requirements. By doing so, our problems will be solved, our states will be more and more normal and we will become clearer about God’s will. This way, due results will be achieved in our spiritual devotions.

For example, we always position ourselves high above our brothers and sisters when getting along with them. Once we disagree with others about an issue, we always want to make them listen to us, with the result that they are unwilling to be in contact with us and then keep away from us, which makes us very upset. Then we can practice spiritual devotion pertaining to this problem and read the words of the Lord Jesus, “For whoever exalts himself shall be abased; and he that humbles himself shall be exalted” (Luke 14:11). God requires us not to exalt ourselves but be humble. However, we always seek to stand above others, thinking that our vanity and desire for status will be satisfied in this way. As a result, our brothers and sisters dislike us and keep us at a distance. Conversely, those humble people who always maintain an attitude of humility and seeking, do not hold onto their own views in all matters but set aside themselves and listen to advice from others, humbly consult and learn from others when encountering something that they don’t understand—such people are liked by God. Through pondering like this, we know how to act to accord with God’s will. So, when we get along with our brothers and sisters in the future, we should consciously let go of our own mistaken pursuits and be a humble person according to God’s words. From the fellowship above, we can see that when practicing spiritual devotions, we should pay attention to drawing upon our real difficulties and problems and finding answers to them in God’s words. This way, our spiritual devotions will achieve definite results. Of course, sometimes we are unable to precisely grasp our conditions and thus our problems cannot be completely solved once. That requires us to carry this burden and continue to seek the truth to solve them.

Third, we should focus on contemplating God’s words and integrating God’s words to reflect on ourselves.

Sometimes we feel that our condition is normal and that there is no issue to be resolved, but we should not just be satisfied with understanding the literal meaning of God’s words or reciting some passages of God’s words when practicing spiritual devotions; instead, we should ponder over God’s words more and integrate these words to reflect on ourselves to know which aspects of us are still not after God’s will.

God’s words say, “When reading His words, Peter was not focused on understanding doctrines and he was even less focused on obtaining theological knowledge; instead, he was focused on understanding the truth and grasping God’s will, and achieving an understanding of His disposition and His loveliness. He also tried to understand the various corrupt states of man from God’s words, and understand the corrupt nature of man and man’s true shortcomings, achieving all aspects of the demands God makes of man in order to satisfy Him. He had so many correct practices within the words of God; this is most in line with God’s will, and it is man’s best cooperation in his experience of the work of God” From God’s words we know that when Peter read God’s words, he was not focused on understanding some theological knowledge or doctrines; instead, he was focused on pondering God’s will from His words, knowing his own corrupt states and then acting exactly based on God’s requirements, finally casting off his corrupt disposition and satisfying God. We should follow the example of Peter’s practices. No matter which aspects of God’s words we read, we should not cursorily read them because we think that we haven’t revealed this aspect of corruption, but instead we should accept God’s words first and integrate these words to recognize our deficiencies, shortcomings and corrupt dispositions. Through pondering and seeking like this, we will find out some problems that we are unaware of in ordinary life. Along with constantly solving these problems, we will gain more truth and achieve some changes in our life disposition. Only this kind of spiritual devotion can truly achieve effects.

I remember one time when I practiced spiritual devotion, I saw that the Lord Jesus said, “Truly I say to you, Except you be converted, and become as little children, you shall not enter into the kingdom of heaven” (Matthew 18:3). From the words of the Lord, I saw that only when we become an honest person who is innocent and open just like a little child can we enter into the heavenly kingdom. Therefore, I consciously checked myself against God’s words, “Am I an honest person now? Have I become a little child as the Lord requires?” Through self-reflection, I recalled one scene after another of my actions: Sometimes I achieved nothing in my duty, and I was afraid that my brothers and sisters would look down upon me because of that, so when the leader asked me about the situation regarding my work, I would consciously evade her question and report only the good and not the bad. Sometimes when the leader talked to me about some church matters, because I was afraid to bear responsibility if I misspoke, I would make an excuse by saying that I could not see through these problems and tell her to ask others. Sometimes when I saw that other brothers and sisters did something at odds with God’s will, I wanted to fellowship with them, but I was worried that they would not accept but would form opinions about me if I pointed out their problems, so I just turned a blind eye and pretended not to know. Thinking of these things, I found that I was so deceitful and not honest at all. How could I enter into the heavenly kingdom with such actions? Accordingly, I prayed to God and asked Him to lead me to betray my flesh and practice the truth, so as to be an honest person who can delight Him. This shows us that only by reading God’s words, checking ourselves against His words and reflecting on our corrupt dispositions when practicing spiritual devotions can we constantly enter into the truth and grow in life.

If we adhere to these three principles, we will achieve the due results in our spiritual devotions and become even closer to God, our hearts will be occupied by God’s words and our spiritual condition will also become increasingly normal. Dear brothers and sisters, what are you waiting for? If you want to achieve results in your spiritual devotions, hasten to practice these principles.

[comebeforegod]

3 Christian Devotional Principles Help You Be Closer to God

By Xun Qiu

Every Christian knows that believing in God requires a normal spiritual life, namely spiritual devotion. It is the foundation of establishing a proper relationship with God and the way of practice that is absolutely necessary in the growth of our spiritual life. Then, how should we practice spiritual devotion to achieve good results? Today, let’s communicate this aspect of the truth together.

First, we should focus on quieting our hearts before God in our spiritual devotions, which is the precondition for obtaining the work of the Holy Spirit.

Many of us can regularly practice spiritual devotion every day but we often can’t quiet our hearts during that time, for sometimes we are preoccupied with some family matters or work stuff, or are anxious to deal with these problems quickly. As a result, our spiritual devotions are just abiding by a rule, because our bodies are here while our hearts are elsewhere. The Lord Jesus said, “God is a Spirit: and they that worship Him must worship Him in spirit and in truth” (John 4:24). This is God’s requirement of us. Obtaining the work of the Holy Spirit and achieving good results in spiritual devotions require worshiping God with an honest heart. During our spiritual devotions, if we are distracted by outward matters, such as our work or lives, and thus we go through the motions and wait for the end of spiritual devotions, then we can only understand the literal meaning of God’s words and gain no enlightenment. In this case, after spiritual devotions, we won’t feel enriched at all. Spiritual devotions like this won’t produce any results.

God’s words say, “Every one of you must take time away from every person, matter, and object for your personal spiritual devotionals, where you will be able to bring peace to your heart and quiet yourself before God. You should have your own individual devotional notes where you can record your knowledge of God’s word and how your spirit has been moved, regardless of whether what you write down is profound or superficial. Quiet your heart before God with intention. If you can dedicate one or two hours to a true spiritual life during the day, then your life that day will feel enriched and your heart will be bright and clear. If you live this kind of spiritual life on a daily basis, then you will be able to give your heart to God more and more, your spirit will become stronger and stronger, your condition will become better and better, you will become more capable of walking the path led by the Holy Spirit, and God will bestow more and more blessings upon you.” From these words we know that if we want to achieve good results in spiritual devotions and gain the work of the Holy Spirit, we should spend one or two hours a day in practicing putting away family or work matters with intention, quieting our hearts before God and praying for Him to lead us to understand His words in a quiet place. Only in this way can we be able to pour our whole hearts into God’s words. When God sees our hearts of seeking the truth, He will enlighten and guide us. This way, not only will we be able to have some understanding of God’s will, we will also come to know our own shortcomings and deficiencies. In addition, we should take our devotional notes every day, recording at any time how our spirits have been enlightened, so that we can read and ponder over these notes at ordinary times. By practicing quieting our hearts before God like this every day, we will be spiritually keen and be able to seek God more when encountering matters. This being so, we will grow closer and closer to God and our life will grow quickly.

Second, we should not read God’s words in an aimless way; we should read God’s words pertaining to our practical difficulties and shortcomings.

Spiritual devotion should focus on solving practical problems and difficulties. Only thus can we be able to better understand God’s will and requirements and bring God’s words into real life to solve our practical problems. Only spiritual devotion that achieves such a result is true spiritual devotion. However, most of the time, we just keep to the outward practices in our spiritual devotions. When we open up the word of God but have no idea what to read, we just aimlessly flick through the book and read what we see. As a result, because we read God’s words without any objectives and don’t seek the truths after that, our problems still remain as before. This kind of spiritual devotion won’t achieve any results. God’s words say, “When you eat and drink the words of God, you must measure your own real state against them. That is, after you discover the shortcomings in yourself during your real experiences, you must be capable of finding a path to practice, and turning your back on your incorrect motivations and notions. If you always try hard in this and you always pour your heart into these things, you will have a path to follow, you will not feel empty, and thus you will be able to maintain a proper state. Only then will you be someone who carries a burden in your own life, and only then will you be someone who has faith.”

From these words, we can see that we should purposefully read God’s words, that is, consciously find and read some relevant parts of God’s words according to our practical states and difficulties. God’s words will reveal our wrong motivations and notions and point out to us the right path of practice. Then we should put aside our own incorrect motivations and opinions and act based on God’s requirements. By doing so, our problems will be solved, our states will be more and more normal and we will become clearer about God’s will. This way, due results will be achieved in our spiritual devotions.

For example, we always position ourselves high above our brothers and sisters when getting along with them. Once we disagree with others about an issue, we always want to make them listen to us, with the result that they are unwilling to be in contact with us and then keep away from us, which makes us very upset. Then we can practice spiritual devotion pertaining to this problem and read the words of the Lord Jesus, “For whoever exalts himself shall be abased; and he that humbles himself shall be exalted” (Luke 14:11). God requires us not to exalt ourselves but be humble. However, we always seek to stand above others, thinking that our vanity and desire for status will be satisfied in this way. As a result, our brothers and sisters dislike us and keep us at a distance. Conversely, those humble people who always maintain an attitude of humility and seeking, do not hold onto their own views in all matters but set aside themselves and listen to advice from others, humbly consult and learn from others when encountering something that they don’t understand—such people are liked by God. Through pondering like this, we know how to act to accord with God’s will. So, when we get along with our brothers and sisters in the future, we should consciously let go of our own mistaken pursuits and be a humble person according to God’s words. From the fellowship above, we can see that when practicing spiritual devotions, we should pay attention to drawing upon our real difficulties and problems and finding answers to them in God’s words. This way, our spiritual devotions will achieve definite results. Of course, sometimes we are unable to precisely grasp our conditions and thus our problems cannot be completely solved once. That requires us to carry this burden and continue to seek the truth to solve them.

Third, we should focus on contemplating God’s words and integrating God’s words to reflect on ourselves.

Sometimes we feel that our condition is normal and that there is no issue to be resolved, but we should not just be satisfied with understanding the literal meaning of God’s words or reciting some passages of God’s words when practicing spiritual devotions; instead, we should ponder over God’s words more and integrate these words to reflect on ourselves to know which aspects of us are still not after God’s will.

God’s words say, “When reading His words, Peter was not focused on understanding doctrines and he was even less focused on obtaining theological knowledge; instead, he was focused on understanding the truth and grasping God’s will, and achieving an understanding of His disposition and His loveliness. He also tried to understand the various corrupt states of man from God’s words, and understand the corrupt nature of man and man’s true shortcomings, achieving all aspects of the demands God makes of man in order to satisfy Him. He had so many correct practices within the words of God; this is most in line with God’s will, and it is man’s best cooperation in his experience of the work of God” From God’s words we know that when Peter read God’s words, he was not focused on understanding some theological knowledge or doctrines; instead, he was focused on pondering God’s will from His words, knowing his own corrupt states and then acting exactly based on God’s requirements, finally casting off his corrupt disposition and satisfying God. We should follow the example of Peter’s practices. No matter which aspects of God’s words we read, we should not cursorily read them because we think that we haven’t revealed this aspect of corruption, but instead we should accept God’s words first and integrate these words to recognize our deficiencies, shortcomings and corrupt dispositions. Through pondering and seeking like this, we will find out some problems that we are unaware of in ordinary life. Along with constantly solving these problems, we will gain more truth and achieve some changes in our life disposition. Only this kind of spiritual devotion can truly achieve effects.

I remember one time when I practiced spiritual devotion, I saw that the Lord Jesus said, “Truly I say to you, Except you be converted, and become as little children, you shall not enter into the kingdom of heaven” (Matthew 18:3). From the words of the Lord, I saw that only when we become an honest person who is innocent and open just like a little child can we enter into the heavenly kingdom. Therefore, I consciously checked myself against God’s words, “Am I an honest person now? Have I become a little child as the Lord requires?” Through self-reflection, I recalled one scene after another of my actions: Sometimes I achieved nothing in my duty, and I was afraid that my brothers and sisters would look down upon me because of that, so when the leader asked me about the situation regarding my work, I would consciously evade her question and report only the good and not the bad. Sometimes when the leader talked to me about some church matters, because I was afraid to bear responsibility if I misspoke, I would make an excuse by saying that I could not see through these problems and tell her to ask others. Sometimes when I saw that other brothers and sisters did something at odds with God’s will, I wanted to fellowship with them, but I was worried that they would not accept but would form opinions about me if I pointed out their problems, so I just turned a blind eye and pretended not to know. Thinking of these things, I found that I was so deceitful and not honest at all. How could I enter into the heavenly kingdom with such actions? Accordingly, I prayed to God and asked Him to lead me to betray my flesh and practice the truth, so as to be an honest person who can delight Him. This shows us that only by reading God’s words, checking ourselves against His words and reflecting on our corrupt dispositions when practicing spiritual devotions can we constantly enter into the truth and grow in life.

If we adhere to these three principles, we will achieve the due results in our spiritual devotions and become even closer to God, our hearts will be occupied by God’s words and our spiritual condition will also become increasingly normal. Dear brothers and sisters, what are you waiting for? If you want to achieve results in your spiritual devotions, hasten to practice these principles.

[almightygodismydependence-blog]

How to Do Devotions to Achieve Good Results

By Xun Qiu

Every Christian knows that believing in God requires a normal spiritual life, namely spiritual devotion. It is the foundation of establishing a proper relationship with God and the way of practice that is absolutely necessary in the growth of our spiritual life. Then, how should we practice spiritual devotion to achieve good results? Today, let’s communicate this aspect of the truth together.

1. We should focus on quieting our hearts before God in our spiritual devotions, which is the precondition for obtaining the work of the Holy Spirit.

Many of us can regularly practice spiritual devotion every day but we often can’t quiet our hearts during that time, for sometimes we are preoccupied with some family matters or work stuff, or are anxious to deal with these problems quickly. As a result, our spiritual devotions are just abiding by a rule, because our bodies are here while our hearts are elsewhere. The Lord Jesus said, “God is a Spirit: and they that worship Him must worship Him in spirit and in truth” (John 4:24). This is God’s requirement of us. Obtaining the work of the Holy Spirit and achieving good results in spiritual devotions require worshiping God with an honest heart. During our spiritual devotions, if we are distracted by outward matters, such as our work or lives, and thus we go through the motions and wait for the end of spiritual devotions, then we can only understand the literal meaning of God’s words and gain no enlightenment. In this case, after spiritual devotions, we won’t feel enriched at all. Spiritual devotions like this won’t produce any results.

God’s words say, “Every one of you must take time away from every person, matter, and object for your personal spiritual devotionals, where you will be able to bring peace to your heart and quiet yourself before God. You should have your own individual devotional notes where you can record your knowledge of God’s word and how your spirit has been moved, regardless of whether what you write down is profound or superficial. Quiet your heart before God with intention. If you can dedicate one or two hours to a true spiritual life during the day, then your life that day will feel enriched and your heart will be bright and clear. If you live this kind of spiritual life on a daily basis, then you will be able to give your heart to God more and more, your spirit will become stronger and stronger, your condition will become better and better, you will become more capable of walking the path led by the Holy Spirit, and God will bestow more and more blessings upon you.” From these words we know that if we want to achieve good results in spiritual devotions and gain the work of the Holy Spirit, we should spend one or two hours a day in practicing putting away family or work matters with intention, quieting our hearts before God and praying for Him to lead us to understand His words in a quiet place. Only in this way can we be able to pour our whole hearts into God’s words. When God sees our hearts of seeking the truth, He will enlighten and guide us. This way, not only will we be able to have some understanding of God’s will, we will also come to know our own shortcomings and deficiencies. In addition, we should take our devotional notes every day, recording at any time how our spirits have been enlightened, so that we can read and ponder over these notes at ordinary times. By practicing quieting our hearts before God like this every day, we will be spiritually keen and be able to seek God more when encountering matters. This being so, we will grow closer and closer to God and our life will grow quickly.

2. We should not read God’s words in an aimless way; we should read God’s words pertaining to our practical difficulties and shortcomings.

Spiritual devotion should focus on solving practical problems and difficulties. Only thus can we be able to better understand God’s will and requirements and bring God’s words into real life to solve our practical problems. Only spiritual devotion that achieves such a result is true spiritual devotion. However, most of the time, we just keep to the outward practices in our spiritual devotions. When we open up the word of God but have no idea what to read, we just aimlessly flick through the book and read what we see. As a result, because we read God’s words without any objectives and don’t seek the truths after that, our problems still remain as before. This kind of spiritual devotion won’t achieve any results. God’s words say, “When you eat and drink the words of God, you must measure your own real state against them. That is, after you discover the shortcomings in yourself during your real experiences, you must be capable of finding a path to practice, and turning your back on your incorrect motivations and notions. If you always try hard in this and you always pour your heart into these things, you will have a path to follow, you will not feel empty, and thus you will be able to maintain a proper state. Only then will you be someone who carries a burden in your own life, and only then will you be someone who has faith.”

From these words, we can see that we should purposefully read God’s words, that is, consciously find and read some relevant parts of God’s words according to our practical states and difficulties. God’s words will reveal our wrong motivations and notions and point out to us the right path of practice. Then we should put aside our own incorrect motivations and opinions and act based on God’s requirements. By doing so, our problems will be solved, our states will be more and more normal and we will become clearer about God’s will. This way, due results will be achieved in our spiritual devotions.

For example, we always position ourselves high above our brothers and sisters when getting along with them. Once we disagree with others about an issue, we always want to make them listen to us, with the result that they are unwilling to be in contact with us and then keep away from us, which makes us very upset. Then we can practice spiritual devotion pertaining to this problem and read the words of the Lord Jesus, “For whoever exalts himself shall be abased; and he that humbles himself shall be exalted” (Luke 14:11). God requires us not to exalt ourselves but be humble. However, we always seek to stand above others, thinking that our vanity and desire for status will be satisfied in this way. As a result, our brothers and sisters dislike us and keep us at a distance. Conversely, those humble people who always maintain an attitude of humility and seeking, do not hold onto their own views in all matters but set aside themselves and listen to advice from others, humbly consult and learn from others when encountering something that they don’t understand—such people are liked by God. Through pondering like this, we know how to act to accord with God’s will. So, when we get along with our brothers and sisters in the future, we should consciously let go of our own mistaken pursuits and be a humble person according to God’s words. From the fellowship above, we can see that when practicing spiritual devotions, we should pay attention to drawing upon our real difficulties and problems and finding answers to them in God’s words. This way, our spiritual devotions will achieve definite results. Of course, sometimes we are unable to precisely grasp our conditions and thus our problems cannot be completely solved once. That requires us to carry this burden and continue to seek the truth to solve them.

3. We should focus on contemplating God’s words and integrating God’s words to reflect on ourselves.

Sometimes we feel that our condition is normal and that there is no issue to be resolved, but we should not just be satisfied with understanding the literal meaning of God’s words or reciting some passages of God’s words when practicing spiritual devotions; instead, we should ponder over God’s words more and integrate these words to reflect on ourselves to know which aspects of us are still not after God’s will.

God’s words say, “When reading His words, Peter was not focused on understanding doctrines and he was even less focused on obtaining theological knowledge; instead, he was focused on understanding the truth and grasping God’s will, and achieving an understanding of His disposition and His loveliness. He also tried to understand the various corrupt states of man from God’s words, and understand the corrupt nature of man and man’s true shortcomings, achieving all aspects of the demands God makes of man in order to satisfy Him. He had so many correct practices within the words of God; this is most in line with God’s will, and it is man’s best cooperation in his experience of the work of God” From God’s words we know that when Peter read God’s words, he was not focused on understanding some theological knowledge or doctrines; instead, he was focused on pondering God’s will from His words, knowing his own corrupt states and then acting exactly based on God’s requirements, finally casting off his corrupt disposition and satisfying God. We should follow the example of Peter’s practices. No matter which aspects of God’s words we read, we should not cursorily read them because we think that we haven’t revealed this aspect of corruption, but instead we should accept God’s words first and integrate these words to recognize our deficiencies, shortcomings and corrupt dispositions. Through pondering and seeking like this, we will find out some problems that we are unaware of in ordinary life. Along with constantly solving these problems, we will gain more truth and achieve some changes in our life disposition. Only this kind of spiritual devotion can truly achieve effects.

I remember one time when I practiced spiritual devotion, I saw that the Lord Jesus said, “Truly I say to you, Except you be converted, and become as little children, you shall not enter into the kingdom of heaven” (Matthew 18:3). From the words of the Lord, I saw that only when we become an honest person who is innocent and open just like a little child can we enter into the heavenly kingdom. Therefore, I consciously checked myself against God’s words, “Am I an honest person now? Have I become a little child as the Lord requires?” Through self-reflection, I recalled one scene after another of my actions: Sometimes I achieved nothing in my duty, and I was afraid that my brothers and sisters would look down upon me because of that, so when the leader asked me about the situation regarding my work, I would consciously evade her question and report only the good and not the bad. Sometimes when the leader talked to me about some church matters, because I was afraid to bear responsibility if I misspoke, I would make an excuse by saying that I could not see through these problems and tell her to ask others. Sometimes when I saw that other brothers and sisters did something at odds with God’s will, I wanted to fellowship with them, but I was worried that they would not accept but would form opinions about me if I pointed out their problems, so I just turned a blind eye and pretended not to know. Thinking of these things, I found that I was so deceitful and not honest at all. How could I enter into the heavenly kingdom with such actions? Accordingly, I prayed to God and asked Him to lead me to betray my flesh and practice the truth, so as to be an honest person who can delight Him. This shows us that only by reading God’s words, checking ourselves against His words and reflecting on our corrupt dispositions when practicing spiritual devotions can we constantly enter into the truth and grow in life.

If we adhere to these three principles, we will achieve the due results in our spiritual devotions and become even closer to God, our hearts will be occupied by God’s words and our spiritual condition will also become increasingly normal. Dear brothers and sisters, what are you waiting for? If you want to achieve results in your spiritual devotions, hasten to practice these principles.

[circe-poetica]

THE TRIO OF HAPPINESS…

… is the trio of Venus, Jupiter and our master of emotional fluency – the Moon. When these planets are challenged, especially when all of them are in some way bruised, a person is very likely to find ways to numb their emotions by turning to different dulling substances from the outer world. Some will find comfort in alcohol, others in drugs or medication, while some turn to food to provide them with much needed satisfaction they tend to squeeze out of other areas of their lives. In these terms sadness (Moon) and guilt (Venus) combine in a loop of damaging convictions (Jupiter) that keep us on scales of invisible balance between our emotional and mental worlds that cannot seem to find the right meeting point.

Guilt is usually the main contributor to the issue, as it keeps one in the loop of inadequacy, no matter how hard they try of how firmly they decide to lose weight at some point in life. Challenged Venus may carry loads of guilt, the goddess of balance between lack of love for Self and imposed love for Self that also isn’t love at all. She understands that one will feel guilty if they gain too much weight, so it becomes a matter of control of Self and the constant inadequacy of the image we show to the world. On the other side of our scales (and less visible one but equally important) is the guilt for even trying to be fit and skinny, as “everyone” tells you – YOU MUST LOVE YOURSELF NO MATTER HOW YOU LOOK. So there’s the guilt for wanting to be something different from what you are today. Now keep in mind – this is a PRIVATE MATTER. If we don’t love ourselves as obese or skinny or bent or troubled or lost, should we just give up because others told us to? We must keep in mind that many of the people promoting moral judgment of self-love for those who struggle with weight gain never dealt with the issue in the first place. So, how would they know what one should or shouldn’t feel? On that matter – how could anyone ever know how anyone else should or shouldn’t feel? We cannot be this hard on ourselves in our attempts to be happy.

Self-love is a personal issue, based on personal convictions and beliefs, and on the image of Self that no one from the outer world can EVER see. It is intimate, hidden as a gem inside our belly, our fourth house and our Moon with its dark side as well, and it might depend on any form of moral judgment for Self, including the vain, posing, superficial one – I want to be beautiful within realms of collective approach to beauty. To expand our own approach to what is beautiful, we must have a strong basis in emotional support and connections with the humankind, and no approach should be dismissed just for the sake of not being vain. What is truly important here isn’t to hold on to moral convictions that are “righteous” in the eyes of the world (Jupiter in Capricorn), but to moral convictions that we feel are TRUE in our hearts (Jupiter in Cancer). When we CAN do something to change and reshape our reality in accordance to our inner truth, every problem becomes much easier to solve. This is when opinions of others become less relevant. We are allowed to wish, want, yearn, crave, we are allowed to eat, starve, hesitate, get lost, we are allowed to be fragile and wounded just as everyone else, even if they show it seemingly less than we do. It comes down to all of us being allowed to feel.

The real struggle with any form of dependency including food, is the one deep bruise, the feeling that we don’t wish to cope with, rather than the way our reflection in the mirror looks. This feeling may be terrifying and so dark that no other person in our life wishes to see it either. It is the place where we feel invisible and thrown away, cast aside until we do something, conditioning that comes from dismissal of behaviors and feelings. This is a child within that isn’t allowed to cry, get angry, scream or move. It is perhaps a distant memory of a child from our family line that wasn’t allowed to breathe. Now with this in mind, however dark or morbid it might seem, we may all be reminded how many different feelings we carry from the line of our ancestors that never got resolved. There are traumas in our systems that we don’t understand or see clearly, and they don’t make us vain or superficial but quite the opposite. Before approaching any issue in life, we must open horizons to truly understand those dealing with different forms of avoidance, invisible aggression, pity, disrespect or judgment.

Of course, self-love is the key and the problem-solver here, but it needs to be real, founded on belief in the purpose of our own emotions (Jupiter exalted in Cancer), focused on personal wellbeing and tenderness with our ACTUAL needs (Moon exalted in Taurus), healthy boundaries and the sense of safety and grounding that can be achieved in other ways than eating. If we look at it as our defense mechanism to cope with life, it might be easier for one to detach and see it as an issue that can be resolved.

THE SENSE OF PROTECTION

Body weight itself is the matter of Mars, on a practical, down-to-earth plane. It represents our need for grounding, hence our need to protect ourselves from the impact of the outer world. Not only are these mechanisms of self-preservation necessary, but they are in fact keeping us alive. When we are overeating (overdoing other things as well) it comes from the need to protect our fragile inner world from imposed convictions that weaken our willpower and make us doubt our emotions. Since sensitive emotional boundaries cannot be seen with the naked eye (also a matter of Jupiter that only sees clearly through one’s heart), a person will often block their own emotional flow and try to control how they feel towards others. Now, a truly liberating fact is - emotions cannot be controlled for real. Each attempt of control, however temporarily successful, will leave its mark and consequences we’ll deal with later on anyway. The only healthy way to approach Self is to embrace our emotions until they pass in their natural tone, show their clear message, and with it, the true purpose they have in one’s life. Any other approach to our feelings will negatively affect our physiology, our unconscious world and circumstances surrounding us.

Bruises to the heart are natural and the system of support we create can only be built on honesty for Self and us choosing to allow our anger, sorrow, resentment, mushiness, and even hate, to show us the way. When we allow ourselves to clearly see how much sadness we carry within, we will also see the sadness in others and feel less alone, this leading to us feeling less sad as well. We are all insanely fragile and breakable, no matter our defense mechanisms that get us through the days. Typically, people who hurt us the most are sharing our issues and get entangled, just as we do, in a victim-aggressor relationship that we need to find a way out of. High body mass offers protection from intrusions, from people we don’t understand, as our negative image of Self shields us, allowing us to hide and feel insecure enough to not get into contacts that aren’t good for us in the first place. Trust has to be earned when you are insecure and buried under layers of personal protection, and this is the first line of defense against toxic relationships and imposed attitudes. Even though obesity seems like a health hazard only waiting to kill us, this self-destructive approach to life is what we feel protects us from things we see as “worse than death”, obviously. So to begin with, we must never underestimate our emotional depth or its wisdom. Physiology is way smarter than our minds can ever be, and speaks in different ways about things we don’t yet understand. Damaging weight issues are always a matter of emotion and self-protection, of feelings that overcome the importance of health itself, and the value of such an inner struggle shouldn’t be dismissed in any way. We get big or breakable for a reason, as our bodies show us that there is something we aren’t seeing clearly enough.

To start dealing with such problems, our confidence must grow and our Sun is to get stronger, so we can see that our feelings are never mistaken in their flow to show us the way. What we recognize in people who are in our lives today might be out of place and wrong, but this only speaks of past and ancestral issues that we are holding on to and replaying right now. To separate the now from any other moment in time, we must dive in and see what our feelings represent to us, how deep are fears are rooted, and where our core of self-denial actually lies. If we feel bruised and insecure around others, maybe we should simply spend more time alone. If we see ourselves as vain while we wish to look good on our Instagram photos, maybe we should embrace this need as our own. If we are hungry, maybe we should eat. But whatever the issue, we must see WHY we are alone, shy, hungry or vain, rather than simply judging ourselves. This is where self-love is to kick in, behind it all, for it is perfectly fine to feel vulnerable, hungry, angry, lost or in need of approval from others, starting with our parents, of course. None of these needs defines our authentic core, but represents only a piece of emotion we have today.

We cannot hate our shield of protection or our frailty and move on from defense mechanisms that aren’t healthy. Instead, this is what we must love, our deepest desire to be free, self-sufficient and at the same time lazy, always satisfied and smiling. Once we start loving our own need to be happy and relaxed, we may start loving our bodies just as they are, and influence them in ways that change our habits and truly make us balanced. Our ability to enjoy food is in fact the foundation for a healthy lifestyle as our body informs us what our authentic personality and our physiology need. Still, this doesn’t mean we always understand its language properly with the set of convictions and moral norms we’ve been dealt with through contact with other people. So, what really needs to change is what we see, for only with our perspective in place can our shields be put aside as we find peace right where we are today.https://www.astrology-zodiac-signs.com/blog/obesity-friend-or-foe/

[focusontheeasternlightning-blog]

3 Ways Tell You How to Do Daily Devotions Effectively

By Xun Qiu

Every Christian knows that believing in God requires a normal spiritual life, namely spiritual devotion. It is the foundation of establishing a proper relationship with God and the way of practice that is absolutely necessary in the growth of our spiritual life. Then, do you know how to do daily devotions to achieve good results? Today, let’s communicate this aspect of the truth together.

First, we should focus on quieting our hearts before God in our spiritual devotions, which is the precondition for obtaining the work of the Holy Spirit.

Many of us can regularly practice spiritual devotion every day but we often can’t quiet our hearts during that time, for sometimes we are preoccupied with some family matters or work stuff, or are anxious to deal with these problems quickly. As a result, our spiritual devotions are just abiding by a rule, because our bodies are here while our hearts are elsewhere. The Lord Jesus said, “God is a Spirit: and they that worship Him must worship Him in spirit and in truth” (John 4:24). This is God’s requirement of us. Obtaining the work of the Holy Spirit and achieving good results in spiritual devotions require worshiping God with an honest heart. During our spiritual devotions, if we are distracted by outward matters, such as our work or lives, and thus we go through the motions and wait for the end of spiritual devotions, then we can only understand the literal meaning of God’s words and gain no enlightenment. In this case, after spiritual devotions, we won’t feel enriched at all. Spiritual devotions like this won’t produce any results.

God’s words say, “Every one of you must take time away from every person, matter, and object for your personal spiritual devotionals, where you will be able to bring peace to your heart and quiet yourself before God. You should have your own individual devotional notes where you can record your knowledge of God’s word and how your spirit has been moved, regardless of whether what you write down is profound or superficial. Quiet your heart before God with intention. If you can dedicate one or two hours to a true spiritual life during the day, then your life that day will feel enriched and your heart will be bright and clear. If you live this kind of spiritual life on a daily basis, then you will be able to give your heart to God more and more, your spirit will become stronger and stronger, your condition will become better and better, you will become more capable of walking the path led by the Holy Spirit, and God will bestow more and more blessings upon you.” From these words we know that if we want to achieve good results in spiritual devotions and gain the work of the Holy Spirit, we should spend one or two hours a day in practicing putting away family or work matters with intention, quieting our hearts before God and praying for Him to lead us to understand His words in a quiet place. Only in this way can we be able to pour our whole hearts into God’s words. When God sees our hearts of seeking the truth, He will enlighten and guide us. This way, not only will we be able to have some understanding of God’s will, we will also come to know our own shortcomings and deficiencies. In addition, we should take our devotional notes every day, recording at any time how our spirits have been enlightened, so that we can read and ponder over these notes at ordinary times. By practicing quieting our hearts before God like this every day, we will be spiritually keen and be able to seek God more when encountering matters. This being so, we will grow closer and closer to God and our life will grow quickly.

Second, we should not read God’s words in an aimless way; we should read God’s words pertaining to our practical difficulties and shortcomings.

Spiritual devotion should focus on solving practical problems and difficulties. Only thus can we be able to better understand God’s will and requirements and bring God’s words into real life to solve our practical problems. Only spiritual devotion that achieves such a result is true spiritual devotion. However, most of the time, we just keep to the outward practices in our spiritual devotions. When we open up the word of God but have no idea what to read, we just aimlessly flick through the book and read what we see. As a result, because we read God’s words without any objectives and don’t seek the truths after that, our problems still remain as before. This kind of spiritual devotion won’t achieve any results. God’s words say, “When you eat and drink the words of God, you must measure your own real state against them. That is, after you discover the shortcomings in yourself during your real experiences, you must be capable of finding a path to practice, and turning your back on your incorrect motivations and notions. If you always try hard in this and you always pour your heart into these things, you will have a path to follow, you will not feel empty, and thus you will be able to maintain a proper state. Only then will you be someone who carries a burden in your own life, and only then will you be someone who has faith.”

From these words, we can see that we should purposefully read God’s words, that is, consciously find and read some relevant parts of God’s words according to our practical states and difficulties. God’s words will reveal our wrong motivations and notions and point out to us the right path of practice. Then we should put aside our own incorrect motivations and opinions and act based on God’s requirements. By doing so, our problems will be solved, our states will be more and more normal and we will become clearer about God’s will. This way, due results will be achieved in our spiritual devotions.

For example, we always position ourselves high above our brothers and sisters when getting along with them. Once we disagree with others about an issue, we always want to make them listen to us, with the result that they are unwilling to be in contact with us and then keep away from us, which makes us very upset. Then we can practice spiritual devotion pertaining to this problem and read the words of the Lord Jesus, “For whoever exalts himself shall be abased; and he that humbles himself shall be exalted” (Luke 14:11). God requires us not to exalt ourselves but be humble. However, we always seek to stand above others, thinking that our vanity and desire for status will be satisfied in this way. As a result, our brothers and sisters dislike us and keep us at a distance. Conversely, those humble people who always maintain an attitude of humility and seeking, do not hold onto their own views in all matters but set aside themselves and listen to advice from others, humbly consult and learn from others when encountering something that they don’t understand—such people are liked by God. Through pondering like this, we know how to act to accord with God’s will. So, when we get along with our brothers and sisters in the future, we should consciously let go of our own mistaken pursuits and be a humble person according to God’s words. From the fellowship above, we can see that when practicing spiritual devotions, we should pay attention to drawing upon our real difficulties and problems and finding answers to them in God’s words. This way, our spiritual devotions will achieve definite results. Of course, sometimes we are unable to precisely grasp our conditions and thus our problems cannot be completely solved once. That requires us to carry this burden and continue to seek the truth to solve them.

Third, we should focus on contemplating God’s words and integrating God’s words to reflect on ourselves.

Sometimes we feel that our condition is normal and that there is no issue to be resolved, but we should not just be satisfied with understanding the literal meaning of God’s words or reciting some passages of God’s words when practicing spiritual devotions; instead, we should ponder over God’s words more and integrate these words to reflect on ourselves to know which aspects of us are still not after God’s will.

God’s words say, “When reading His words, Peter was not focused on understanding doctrines and he was even less focused on obtaining theological knowledge; instead, he was focused on understanding the truth and grasping God’s will, and achieving an understanding of His disposition and His loveliness. He also tried to understand the various corrupt states of man from God’s words, and understand the corrupt nature of man and man’s true shortcomings, achieving all aspects of the demands God makes of man in order to satisfy Him. He had so many correct practices within the words of God; this is most in line with God’s will, and it is man’s best cooperation in his experience of the work of God” From God’s words we know that when Peter read God’s words, he was not focused on understanding some theological knowledge or doctrines; instead, he was focused on pondering God’s will from His words, knowing his own corrupt states and then acting exactly based on God’s requirements, finally casting off his corrupt disposition and satisfying God. We should follow the example of Peter’s practices. No matter which aspects of God’s words we read, we should not cursorily read them because we think that we haven’t revealed this aspect of corruption, but instead we should accept God’s words first and integrate these words to recognize our deficiencies, shortcomings and corrupt dispositions. Through pondering and seeking like this, we will find out some problems that we are unaware of in ordinary life. Along with constantly solving these problems, we will gain more truth and achieve some changes in our life disposition. Only this kind of spiritual devotion can truly achieve effects.

I remember one time when I practiced spiritual devotion, I saw that the Lord Jesus said, “Truly I say to you, Except you be converted, and become as little children, you shall not enter into the kingdom of heaven” (Matthew 18:3). From the words of the Lord, I saw that only when we become an honest person who is innocent and open just like a little child can we enter into the heavenly kingdom. Therefore, I consciously checked myself against God’s words, “Am I an honest person now? Have I become a little child as the Lord requires?” Through self-reflection, I recalled one scene after another of my actions: Sometimes I achieved nothing in my duty, and I was afraid that my brothers and sisters would look down upon me because of that, so when the leader asked me about the situation regarding my work, I would consciously evade her question and report only the good and not the bad. Sometimes when the leader talked to me about some church matters, because I was afraid to bear responsibility if I misspoke, I would make an excuse by saying that I could not see through these problems and tell her to ask others. Sometimes when I saw that other brothers and sisters did something at odds with God’s will, I wanted to fellowship with them, but I was worried that they would not accept but would form opinions about me if I pointed out their problems, so I just turned a blind eye and pretended not to know. Thinking of these things, I found that I was so deceitful and not honest at all. How could I enter into the heavenly kingdom with such actions? Accordingly, I prayed to God and asked Him to lead me to betray my flesh and practice the truth, so as to be an honest person who can delight Him. This shows us that only by reading God’s words, checking ourselves against His words and reflecting on our corrupt dispositions when practicing spiritual devotions can we constantly enter into the truth and grow in life.

If we adhere to these three principles, we will achieve the due results in our spiritual devotions and become even closer to God, our hearts will be occupied by God’s words and our spiritual condition will also become increasingly normal. Dear brothers and sisters, what are you waiting for? If you want to achieve results in your spiritual devotions, hasten to practice these principles.

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