#it’s just almost comical like i was literally talking w my friends tonight about how no one HAS to come out to anyone and the fact that

[harrylights]

.

[applestorms]

in writing my response to @tipsygnostalgy's most recent dirkjake essay post, i accidentally wrote my own mini-essay. here's a little sneak peak since i dunno if i'll be able to finish this one tonight:

I’ve been thinking a lot about what Dirk says to Jane during their conversation post-Tricksters (A6A5A1x2:5830):

TT: We were all designated for a session that was utterly inert. TT: A place where the mechanisms for success never even existed to begin with. TT: In such a place it makes sense that the formal leader would be neutralized, to made feel unempowered and static. TT: And it seems particularly fitting she would be the noble of life in a realm of the dead. TT: A realm that foretold of a life player who felt lifeless, a hope player who felt hopeless, and a heart player who was just a stone cold motherfucker.

I feel like this conversation gets misread a lot, particularly in that people will often ignore the fact that Dirk is clearly biased in terms of his praise/idolization of Roxy and disregard for/blatant hatred of himself. Because the thing is- Jake isn’t hopeless, if anything he’s fuckin overflowing with hope when it comes to believing in other people, it’s just that he completely lacks that same belief when it comes to himself. Act Omega really got that part right, imo, with the fact that Jake really does need the reassurance that other people (namely, Dirk) believe in him in order to be empowered to actually start being active. “Learned helplessness” is the idea that comes to mind for me, one of the key ways that Jake is put into the stereotypical “woman’s role” is in the fact that he feels like he can never be direct in getting what he wants. But actually, I think Jake is pretty active, he just does it in stupidly subtle ways so that he can avoid having to take responsibility for literally anything. That conversation with Jane, for example- he still manipulates Jane into friendzoning herself, therefore getting what he wants (Dirk), he just muddles the waters enough that he doesn’t have to take responsibility for hurting her by rejecting her.

I think Jane actually is thematically a good representative of the alphas, in the same way that John is for the betas (and really all kids, but Johnny is special cause he was #1), it’s just that you have to look at her class, not her aspect. Maids are typically understood as overflowing with their aspect, literally made of it, causing them to have a very close, personal relationship with it but also putting a strain on their relationship with others because of it. The word “maid” also brings to mind servitude to others, which is big for the Megidos & their history w/ Doc Scratch.

While Jane struggles a lot with giving (life) to others, I still think the Maid class really is relevant to all of the alphas, especially Dirk and Jake but also kinda Roxy. This is where I think Dirk is ever so slightly off in his interpretation of their session- it’s not that they’re lacking their aspect, they can’t stop giving it away in service of each other honestly, it’s that they can’t give the same help to themselves.

Jake fervently believes in his friends, he has to if he wants them to be real as you said above, and it’s ultimately all very selfish, but he cannot believe in himself to the point where he needs to create a fucking intricately detailed copy of his boyfriend to tell all of his thoughts to him before he can believe they’re true. Dirk is fucking overflowing with love for his friends, his introduction to the comic is making sure Jane is alright, he holds onto Roxy and seems to be almost as devastated as she is that he can’t love her the way that she wants him to, Jake, but he absolutely cannot give that same affection and sympathy to himself. Roxy holds the group together, yes, but I think it’s in a very different way than Karkat and his blood aspect- she is the confidant that everyone talks to and everyone can confide their secrets in (regardless of how well she keeps them- sorry Jane, lol), she is void in that she is the keeper of secrets but also in that, by getting people to communicate and giving them advice, she takes away the void/confusion and helps them see a better path. However she cannot hold her own secrets, doesn’t have anyone else to confide in in the way that she wants to (Dirk gets it but doesn’t love her that way, Jane doesn’t believe her, Jake) and passively aggressively lashes out because of it.

It’s their fundamental flaw and the motivation behind the lies in their introductions and their problems with miscommunication. They love each other so fucking dearly, care so agonizingly much about one another, but can’t deal with themselves, can barely even face a mirror. It's the void session: heart is locked off, hope is twisted into something strange, and life has already long-since ended. The reason why Roxy is able to rise above all that shit is because she chooses to engage with her own issues, to face her alcoholism and shitty behavior head on and Deal With It, in a way that the others simply aren’t.

[jeonjeonggukenergy]

Anti-Hero

summary ~ in search of wine at a party that’s so not your scene, you run into jungkook, the weeb from your film class, and become determined to learn just how much he lives up to his big reputation.

pairing ~ jungkook x reader

genre ~ fluff, light smut w/ more to come - college!au

wordcount ~ 1.7k

warnings ~ light smut, drinking/partying, mentions of dick?, basically just making out, feat. long hair jk :)))))

a/n ~ this is my first time posting a fic!!! costume idea inspired by @ddaenggtan‘s iconic weeb-ass jk in chasing butterflies lol, and I got the idea to write this in general from wondering what a scenario like @joonbird​‘s literally flawless fic passionfruit would be like from the opposite perspective bc I kept reading it (and rereading it...and rereading it...) and loving the connection but I’m much more like joon in that au than the reader oooop. anyway thank you to all the writers on here whose work i have loved and my friends who have encouraged me and made me bold enough to embrace such a fun new creative outlet xxx u know who u are :’)

next: chapter 2 | chapter 3 | chapter 4 (coming soon!) 

~ read on ao3 ~

CHAPTER 1 ~ dress up

You never intended to end up at this Halloween party. You didn't even know who to expect to see here, other than your roommate's friend from high school, the host, who had invited y'all as a package deal even though she knew you didn't really do parties. At least not ones like hers, where every bedroom ended up occupied by the end of the night and nearly no one went home alone. Thrilled to break out of your lame group of friends for a taste of flirtation and fun, you tried to relax into the scene but the unspoken expectation of casual sex intimidated you the tiniest bit.

Speaking of casual sex, there was Jungkook.

Used to admiring him from afar in your "14 Films To See Before You Graduate" class, you paused to take in the sight of him in what you supposed was a more natural habitat. Everyone knew Jungkook got girls, thanks to the rumor his first freshman-year hookup had started about his seriously impressive dick. He had a beautiful body too, carefully crafted muscles obvious even beneath his usual baggy black clothes, so as the more intimate rumors spread and various co-signers confirmed every detail from length to curve to (you had always hated this word, but...) girth, getting a piece of all that became a badge of honor among the girls in your grade. You had never really understood how the awkward boy who hid manga under his desk in class could supposedly be such a sex symbol, but you almost felt bad for him. That kind of reputation following you around everywhere couldn't be all fun and games. If anything, though, it had intrigued you even more about the rest of him, all his little weeb quirks and the way he debated your points in the discussion boards like he actually cared. He wasn't exactly studious in general, but he clearly loved film and you enjoyed speaking up in class just to see how he would jump off of your observations. You hadn't really talked to him other than that, but he didn't seem to be talking to anyone else tonight either. From the corner, you let yourself appreciate the way his nervous hands tugged at the skinny black tie of his costume, freeing more of his throat from a thin yellow button-down shirt.

At least you no longer felt overdressed in your Nancy Drew outfit. The retro headband, brown loafers, and bookish plaid knee-length skirt set a much more sophisticated tone than most other ensembles you'd seen, but Jungkook's weeb ass had basically worn a full suit to channel Spike Spiegel from Cowboy Bebop. With his grown-out hair tousled and a navy pinstripe jacket cinched tight with two strips of electrical tape over his tiny waist, you couldn't deny that he rocked it. He leaned against a long plastic table left in the hallway, bobbing his head to the music in the next room and adjusting the too-slim suit pants around his thick thighs. His translucent cup stayed hidden behind a hip until he raised it quickly to his face for another sip of...red wine? Probably Franzia, knowing tonight's crowd, but anything was better than beer. You made a beeline for the one boy with taste at this party, your sole mission now to get wine drunk, sneak some Usher throwbacks on this playlist, and drop it low enough to leave some dude hard on the dance floor. #wastehistime2019, yknow.

"Hey!" You got his attention, grabbing the hand with the cup before he could lower it out of view again. His eyes grew comically wide and his mouth formed an "o" in shock before you demanded "Where is the wine?" and he pressed his lips back into a line, stuttering.

"I-I-I'm sorry, I just brought a bottle because the beer here sucks but I think it's all gone by now, I tried to hide it but yeah anyway you can have the rest of this one if you want though." Wincing at his own ramble, he ruffled the retro pouf of his hair with one hand and proffered the plastic cup in another. Both actions highlighted how pretty his hands were and you were just slightly tipsy enough to thread your fingers over his in the also-pretty black waves falling over his yep-still-just-as-pretty cheekbones.

"Aw, it's okay, I don't want to take your wine. No more liquid courage for me," you grinned, dotting the lightest kiss on his nose. It was an innocent gesture, but as your face naturally lowered so your noses touched, leaving your lips centimeters away from each other, something snapped—in him.

His wine discarded on the table, a hand curled around to clutch your ass and you practically felt his tongue before you felt his lips. Slamming your body abruptly into his, he nudged a thigh between your legs to grind it up on your center and as your arm got caught between your bodies, the tension you sensed filling his frame gave you pause. You pushed him away gently but firmly with the hand already flattened against his rock-solid abs. Looking down at the slight space restored between y'all, you removed his hands from his hair and your ass and laced them in yours to guide him back against the wall.

"I...what was that?" you almost giggled. You definitely weren't trying to laugh at him, but you couldn't hide your surprise at this first potential proof of his fuckboy reputation.

"I'm—" his whole face crumpled, both from the simple sting of your seeming rejection and the possibility that he had broken a boundary or forced himself on you against your wishes, which made him so sick he could barely face you. Squirming under your light hold but not quite resisting, he rambled again: "I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to force myself on you or anything, don't worry I would never try anything if you didn't want to, I just figured we might as well get to the point if you did because, uh...when girls touch me like that or even talk to me at these things it's pretty much always just because they...want to."

"Jungkook," you breathed, pulsing your hands over his in reassurance. He squeezed his eyes shut, still distraught, and when they opened, you had craned your neck to meet his averted gaze.

"I never said I didn't want to."

His eyes widened again. "Uh...uh...then..." he trailed off, never having needed to directly proposition a girl like this before. He really had been inexperienced before the rapid escalation of college, and was at a loss for how to get to the good stuff from here via anything more eloquent than a rushed "Wanna fuck?" You shook your head silently, nose grazing his again, and let go of one hand to cup his face with care, like he was something precious you were scared of breaking.

"What? You want to get right to fucking me?" you murmured into his ear. He shivered at hearing you curse for the first time, freed from the constraints of class discussions and closer than he ever guessed you'd get to him. "Is that really what you want? Or is it what you think I do? Because if it's alright, I think I want something better. For you."

You pressed a new kiss to his nose, only slightly stronger than the one that had started all this. He held his breath and his untouched, open mouth trembled as you scattered soft introductions of your lips across his forehead, to his temples, over the scar that sliced his cheekbone. Finally inhaling a skittery heave of your shared air as you passed closer to his lips, he forced it back out in frustration when you ducked away to nudge under his jaw instead. Returning your hand to his hair, you grinned, enjoying the spike in his pulse under your thumb and skipping the tip of your tongue lightly over his neck right up to the earlobe. You lifted the choppy ends of his waves away from the dangly silver hoop they hid, tensing the strands just slightly between your fingers in an inability to hide your glee. Something told you this was going to drive him crazy.

Taking a slight detour to suck his pierced lobe between your lips, you responded to Jungkook’s low moan of surprise by wedging your tongue through the first oversized hole and letting your teeth clatter over multiple rings of metal. He was trying so hard to stay pliant under you, but the tease of slight pain in a new and unusual spot made him want your mouth more, anywhere he could get it. No one had ever spent this much time tracing so few inches of skin.

And so many girls had buried his face in their necks, craving evidence of an encounter with the Jeon Jungkook, that a strange kind of empathy caught him off guard when you showed him how good it could feel to receive. You connected your lips to the hollow right under his ear, feeling the tendons stretch as his head lolled away from you. Working him through a cascade of light gasps, you stepped away satisfied once you had sucked a dark bloom to the surface. He watched you leave with his mouth agape and chest heaving, unable to believe you could just walk away with a wave and a "See you in class!"

But you did, and he would.

"Shit!" he swore, a shaky hand darting straight to the spot. Now he had to keep his hair long for at least another two or three days. If he showed up to discussion on Monday and had to watch you admiring your work on his skin, he would probably just die on the spot. And that would not be very Spike Spiegel of him.

next chapter

[imaginesmai]

Peter Parker-Finally

Plot: Peter’s strange behaviour hasn’t gone unnoticed by the people around him, but he has a very, very, good reason for it.

Or

In which Peter and you plan a date for Friday’s night and he can’t stop thinking about it.

This is pure fluff.

MONDAY

Peter Parker was kind. When, in the school, someone needed anything, he was the first one to offer them it. Peter Parker was funny. If anyone was sad, a look towards the boy was enough to cheer them up. Peter Parker was cute. Most of the people who knew him agreed on that. And Peter Parker was, above all of that, distracted. The high schooler was always worrying about homework, missions or the latest memes, and his mind was always far away from where he stood.

But that wasn’t the actual case. Lately, he had been looking like he was in a lovestruck haze.

As the young boy swung into the living room after a quick tour around town, he whipped his mask off and urgently took his phone out of his suit to shoot off a rapid text. Peter almost stumbled as he tried to press the spider on his chest that let the suit loose and write at the same time. The answer to that text came immediately, as he smiled widely and walked out of the room hunched over his cell.

Aunt May and Happy, who had been watching him the entire time, followed his retreating form in silent horror and awe.

“Did I just imagine the kid not acknowledging our presences?” Happy blinked slowly. “Does he not care about us being together anymore?”

It wasn’t a secret anymore that he was dating May; and since the moment it had become ‘public’, Peter hadn’t stopped giving him death glares. Until that moment, where he hadn’t scoffed, complained or even pouted at his presence.

“Maybe he’s just talking to Ned” May shrugged. A few days ago Ned had bought some strange Lego thing and brought it to their apartment to build it with Peter. “But, hey! He didn’t growl at you this time!”

Happy rolled his eyes but gave her a sweet smile. He would find about the kid later.

TUESDAY

The next one to notice were Natasha and Clint. They had become suspicious of Peter’s behaviour the next afternoon, when all three of them were in the gym working out. One of the conditions of being an avenger was that Peter had to train at least once a week. Tony made sure to arrange everything so that he wouldn’t miss classes or homework.

Peter had quite literally begged them to train with him. He had already trained with Steve, Tony, Bucky and even Thor, but never with the two friends.

So there stood Natasha throwing knives into mannequins while Clint and Peter sparred on the mat, sweating and calculating each other’s moves. Soft music played in the background, helping them to concentrate. Until a certain loud song sounded and Peter became immobile.

His eyes widen and that’s all Clint needed to spring into action and rush towards his phone. Between the group of superheroes, pranks and jokes are nothing strange. Peter had seen Thor with a spoon glued to his hand and Natasha being thrown to the floor by transparent paper on the doors. Clint’s run towards his mobile would only give him mocking for a week, so Peter sprinted towards the arrow man and, with a somersault over him, took the phone out of his hands.

It stopped sounding just as Natasha appeared to see what was going on. Before she could open her mouth, it started sounding again.

“I, uh, thanks for the help today Mr. Hawkeye. B-But, I have to, I have things to do” Peter faked a yawn and gave a small smile. “Take a shower. Homework. And thanks to you too, Mrs. Romanoff! That really…tired me out. Bye!”

He proceeded to walk out of the gym too fast; but they didn’t miss how, when he pressed finally the phone against his ear, he smiled happily.

WEDNESDAY

The cafeteria was the worst place in the whole highschool. Full of people who Peter didn’t want to meet, stinking food and small chairs that made his back hurt. Usually, his safe boat were Ned and MJ. That day, Peter was shuffling his way through it tapping away on his phone. He had a cute and distracted look on his face, and he didn’t notice Ned calling him or MJ waving her hand.

“What’s wrong with him?” MJ frowned, looking at her friend. “He’s gonna crash into someone.”

“Oh, let him be” Ned laughed. “Love makes people blind.”

“Love? What are you talking about?” she turned to look at him. “Don’t tell me it’s that Liz again. I can’t stand her.”

“I can’t tell you anything” Ned shrugged. “Ask him yourself.”

They were interrupted by a group of students who came running to the cafeteria, probably to get the best place. Peter was so focused that he didn’t hear the wave of students coming his way.

Thanks to his spidey senses, he was able to avoid them all without crushing anyone, yet the last one made him fall to the ground. The tables who were closer to him turned their heads to see Flash on the ground with his face red of anger and Peter a few inches away still typing on his phone.

“Are you fucking blind?!” Flash shouted to his face. Finally, Peter looked up and noticed the angry boy.

“Oh, yeah, sorry Flash” he got up in a second.

“Sorry? That’s all you have to say?”

Peter just made a small sound as he walked away, his eyes once again fixed on the screen.

THRUSDAY

He was happy; finally, the week was coming to an end and Peter couldn’t be any more happy. He had woken up earlier than usual, made breakfast for him and aunt May; even added something more when he realised that Happy was there too. Usually, he would have shouted to hell and back, but that day he just smiled at him and offered him some coffee. In highschool, it had been great too. Too much homework that he had finished in his break, Flash being a dick but Peter not caring at all, Ned and MJ arguing over something and his heart jumping in joy.

It was after lunch when he went to the compound again. If that weekend was going to end well, he needed to make sure everything was planned. Peter bumbled into the small theatre room in hopes of finding the movie he wanted. It was probably the only place were he could find DVD still.

Too busy looking down to his phone, he didn’t notice Wanda and Vision in the room. He kept walking into the darkness until he heard a muffled laugh. He lifted his smiling face from the illuminated screen to see both of them cuddling in the couch.

“I-I’m sorry” Peter tried to look anywhere but their faces, as his cheeks were covered in red. His concern about interrupting something was cut short the a small ‘bling’ sounded and he was back to his screen.

They watched as Peter smiled again, pressing his thumbs into his phone with a speed that made Vision frown.

“Is that a girl you’re texting?”

Her voice was enough for him to chuck his phone into the air and squeal. So much for his spidey tingle. Wanda was looking at him with curious eyes, Vision looking down at her with love and adoration. It almost made him forget about the question, because he thought about how, in just two days, he would be doing the same with-

“Peter!” Wanda repeated.

“Why-Why would you even ask that? Of course it’s not! It’s-I’m just talking to Ned” the excuse sounded fake even to him. Wanda squeezed her eyes against him, as if she was trying to coerce him into the truth.

“That’s what humans call crush, isn’t it?” Vision asked. Wanda nearly choked with his own breath as Peter’s cheeks and neck became pink.

He opened his mouth and tried to explain it to him, but when the ‘bling’ sounded again, he was out of the room before Vision or Wanda could say anything about it.

FRIDAY

“Too risky?”

“Dude, not even my grandpa would wear that.” Ned scoffed from the bed.

Peter looked in the mirror again, his hands going instinctively to fix the hem of his jacket. He thought it was cool. Black leather jacket with white shirt, and brown jeans? That’s what the boys in the film wore when they wanted to get the girl.

“But aunt May told me-“

“No offense, but if you’re taking advice from your aunt I think we should abort the mission.”

Again, he watched his reflection in the mirror. Ned was sitting behind him, trying to finish his star wars puzzle in some pyjamas. The sight was almost comical; two teenagers who had never had a girlfriend before trying to find something cool between last-decade-clothes. And there were Star Wars t-shirts too, of course. Peter didn’t think they were the best option to impress someone.

He tossed the jacket aside without a second thought, the t-shirt and the jeans following close. If he could just wear the suit. It would make him look cool, interesting and would sweep the girl off her feet. Because that was what Spiderman did, not Peter Parker.

“Maybe I shouldn’t-“

“If I hear you say that you shouldn’t go, I’m dragging you there myself” Ned threatened. “You’ve been planning this for a week! What could go wrong?”

“A lot of things!”

Peter was staring to feel the anxiety filling his chest, a deep pressure on his chest that made him want to call and fake a headache. Maybe it was because of the excitement he felt about his first date since…always, but, honestly, it was making him feel sick. He breathed slowly and took a random shirt from the drawer.

“Okay. I got this.”

“Of course you got this!” Ned got up and stepped in front of him. “Who were you, again?”

“W-What?”

“You’re supposed to say Spiderman, dude” Ned sighed. “Once again. Who are you?”

“I’m Spiderman?” Peter said with a shaky voice.

“Yeah, that way you’re not even getting touched tonight. Who are you?!”

“I’m-I’m Spiderman” Peter half smiled. “I’m Spiderman, I can do it.”

“Of course you can do it!”

“I can do it!”

While Peter dressed up again for his date, both boys kept screaming encouragement words. He had it, he could do it and he would do it. He just needed a little encouragement, which was what Ned was doing in that moment. When he finally finished, Peter Parker was a bubble of excitement and energy that didn’t notice aunt May, Tony and Happy staring at him with their eyes wide open on his way out.

“And you want me to believe there is nothing wrong with that kid?” Tony whispered to May.

“Maybe he’s just-“

“Drugs” Happy’s eyes widened. “First it was porn, and now drugs.”

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The night was colder than what he had anticipated, and he wished he would have listened to his inner voice the first time and brought that stupid black jacket. It was probably the most horrendous thing, but he wouldn’t be freezing his ass off.

Actually, he wouldn’t have wore it. Peter knew that, even if it would have been snowing, he wouldn’t have worn the stupid jacket. It would have been another excuse to touch you, dropping it over your shoulder and keeping his arm there.

Still, the night hadn’t gone bad.

Peter had arrived to your meeting place half an hour before the hour you had talked over the phone, and had felt the most ridiculous human being. People that had walked by his side had looked at him with a mixture of pity and curiosity, and he had felt every passing second deep in his chest. But he hadn’t waited for too long, because twenty minutes before the meeting hour he saw you with the jacket he loved so much. You were running while looking at your phone, and sometimes stealing a glace to your sides to make sure your father wasn’t behind you.

You had arrived where he was standing and greeted him with a shy kiss on the cheek, and he had almost fainted on the spot.

Then, his plan started; kissing Y/N Stark without making a fool of himself.

Some months ago, you had mentioned him how you would love to see one of those old movies in an old cinema. Those where people went with their cars or blankets and the film was played outside a building. Peter had looked everywhere until he found a small park that had in front of it an abandoned building. He bought the blanket, snacks and got the film, and asked you for a date a week ago. Technically, he didn’t ask you; Peter just stutter in front of you until you asked him if he wanted to invite you to a date. Blushing, he had nodded furiously and you had agreed gladly. Which lead to that moment at the park.

In the beginning, you had been on your side of the blanket and him on his. You had talked about school (you went to the same one), joked and laughed, and finally he had showed you his idea.

“What’s this?” you asked, looking at the object in front of you. It was a small box, with a big lens on the front.

“It’s-I got it for our date” Peter explained. “I saw it on Twitter, and I thought that you would like it.”

“But what is this? What’s inside?”

You tried to shake it from side to side, to listen if there was something in there. Peter looked at you with a small, and lovestruck, smile. For the daughter of Tony Stark, you knew nothing about the old technology.

“It’s a projector”

“What? Where are the cables?” you searched for them turning the object up and down a few times.

“No, it’s- give me that, you’re going to break it.” Peter took it swiftly from your hands and placed it on the ground.

“And why did you bring it?”

Well, that was the main question. Peter had thought about thousands of answer for it; because saying that he had been looking for it on amazon, e-bay and ali-express for months, just for you, seemed a little creepy. He cleared his throat and shifted on his place, focusing his attention on the DVD and the projector.

“I got it a few weeks ago. Y-You told me that you wanted to see a film with a blanket, and that shit, a-and your father doesn’t let you out too often. So I thought that… you might like this” Peter explained, blushing furiously.

You blinked as he continued talking about how he got it and why you shouldn’t think he was a stalker. Peter and you had met three years ago, when your father had finally let you go to a normal high school. Since the first moment, you had had a crush on the cute boy who went out of his way to make you happy. Each time he covered up for you in class because you had problems with your father, helped you with your homework or let you a place to stay, your heart beat a little faster for him.

“… so, yeah, that was my plan for tonight” he chuckled a bit. “But if you don’t-“

“That’s the most awesome thing someone have ever done for me” you cut him off with a small smile. “What are we watching?”

Peter put on quickly the DVD and watched as Pulp Fiction started to play on the wall in front of you. As he sat back on the blanket, your shoulders brushed slightly and the voice of actors started sounding. You watched as he fumbled a bit, his fingers shaking and the back of his ears as red as his suit.

The night was cold and the park was even colder, but you felt a comforting warmth filling your bones. If he had chosen the worst movie in the world, it wouldn’t have mattered. If he had chosen a stupid documentary, it wouldn’t have mattered. Or if you two would have been in the worst place in Earth, it wouldn’t have made a difference neither. Because you didn’t have your father behind your shoulder, watching every movement you made and keeping the spider boy away from you. That fact was making Peter feel more confident than even, so he dared to rest his hand on the top of you.

His shaky fingers crawled until he was covering your smaller hand with his, and his thumbs ran across your palm as a feather touch.

Peter was trying to seem focused on the film, but you could see how, with the corner of his eye, he was watching your reactions.

Before you really knew what you were doing, your body turned to the left and your lips were on his. It was a quick and probably a little sloppy, and at first all Peter did was lose the strength of his arms and fall against the blanket. You fell on top of him, surprised and kind of disappointed. As you were tearing away, ready to go back home and cry to your father to sleep, Peter lifted himself a little and caught again your lips with his, letting out a small smile.

His sureness encouraged you, and you sat slowly on his lap. Your hands landed on either side of his face, and your fingers found his soft, brown hair; the pressure they were doing against it enough to make Peter nearly lose the rhythm of the kiss.

He gripped your waist and his thumbs brushed the skin softly. And you swore you were dying right there from a heart attack. Eventually, you pulled away from his blushing and smiling face and rested your forehead on his, a stupid smile on your face.

You continued to thread your fingers through his hair, tugging lightly at the ends.

“That’s-not how I had planned things” he said. “Not that I’m complaining, but-“

“You don’t have to plan everything. I would have agreed to go with you to the worst burger in town.”

“I wanted to make something special” he shrugged lightly. “Y-You’re special enough, thought”

You let out a little giggle and kissed the tip of his nose. Then, pressed a kiss on the right side of his mouth, the left corner and finally crashed your lips together again.

As you kissed and laid on each other arms, the film played against the wall in front of you. All Peter Parker could think was 

Finally.

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[alwaysahiccupandastrid]

May I ask why you're so against rachel bilson? It's just that I know absolutely nothing about her and from and outsider persepctive she seems like a regularly nice person

Hi, yes! I apologize in advance, this is super long I’m afraid!

So first of all, I want to make it VERY clear that I don’t endorse sending hate to people, even if you despise them, and I am not intending to spam any social media she may have with hate because that’s simply inexcusable.

So here’s the thing: the whole thing just personally leaves a bad taste in my mouth because they had a sex scene years ago in a film that was directed by Bill’s ex-wife, Maggie Carey. It just really weirds me out because that was several years ago, and obviously I don’t know Maggie beyond the fact she’s a director and was married to Bill, but if I were her I’d be more than a little pissed off because I’d be wondering if my husband had been seeing this woman the entire time. I don’t think Bill is the type but I frankly don’t know him personally and who knows? It just seems a little tasteless in a way, but hey whatever.

Firstly, in literally every photo I’ve seen of them together - grocery shopping, golden globes etc, - they both look like they’d rather be anywhere else. Especially tonight, you can see in videos when they turn away from the cameras, their smiles vanish and they look (for lack of a better description) kind of constipated. I know Bill has bad anxiety so that could be part of the reason, I don’t know. But it looks like they’re not even trying - he smiled much more genuinely when with his ex. You can tell when someone is half assing their smile and when it’s genuine, especially in their eyes or the way they’re smiling.

I’ve been having a twitter conversation with someone, they messaged me wanting to talk about the whole thing, and I’ve been discussing it with them for a few days now. Disclaimer here that I already knew this person because I spoke to them about a month or so ago because their friend met PJ at a comic con and she (the twitter girl) was talking about it, so we already knew of each other before this whole ordeal. Recently, however, they’ve been telling me stuff and showing me tweets/photos/stuff about R*chel and, hey, maybe I’m only seeing what they want me to see? Who knows? I’m not saying my impression that I have of her is the correct one, just my own personal impression thus far.

The first thing we noticed was the sheer amount of paparazzi photos and news stories. I have never seen someone be photographed so damn often while out shopping - so far in the last week alone, RB has been papped near enough every day. No one gets papped that often by accident. The person I spoke with on twitter informed me that it’s always the same people (backgrid) and that she’s probably calling them herself. Not even the kids from Stranger Things/Harry Potter get photographed this much, and they are WAY more famous and in demand than her*. This week alone it’s been grocery shopping (w/ Bill), then going out to lunch with her friends, then shopping for furnishings, and THEN lunch with her mother. All in the same week. This isn’t just a her thing, it’s in general, but no one cares if actors are shopping for shit or going out to lunch with their mothers, it’s really not exciting or interesting. So yeah, there seems to be some question as to whether or not she’s phoning the paparazzi herself.

*I had literally never heard of her before being a fan of Bill so... 🤷🏼‍♀️ She’s definitely not as famous as the ST kids are right now

Also, it’s interesting that in the eleven years he was married to Maggie, and in even the last few years where he’s really started to pick up career wise, he has hardly been photographed by paparazzi in public. The only time I can think of is when he was filming IT Chapter 2 and that was because it’s a major film and they were shooting outside in costume. There could be more but I doubt there’s loads going around. So yeah, I find it kinda questionable that only now is he getting papped this regularly.

Not only do I think calling the paparazzi on yourself is vain and straight up thirsty for attention, but if that IS the case (and I’m not saying it is), it’s incredibly disgusting to do that whilst out with someone who has REALLY bad panic attacks and social anxiety. You can see it in his face that he’s pissed off and annoyed about it.

This person I spoke with also made some remarks regarding both of their kids with other people. Apparently the only time RB ever goes out with her kid is to get them photographed with her or something, and that she’s literally never with her daughter. This could be bullshit for all I know. I haven’t really researched her daughter because, frankly, that would be creepy and I also don’t really care about her enough to give a shit.

We know that Bill has 3 daughters, and it just strikes me as odd that he made a big fuss about how he only saw them 5 days in summer of 2018 (due to Barry and IT filming) and how he was crying over it, and “I’m going to spend more time with my kids 😭” but then...you get a girlfriend instead? And you spend time with them instead? And even when I first read the interview where he said about missing his kids, like...dude, come on. That’s your own fault, no one is making you stay away from the kids, you and your wife have joint custody. In comparison also to RB, who’s kid is seemingly papped quite a bit with her, I’ve literally seen maybe two or three occasions where one of Bill’s kids have been papped, like that’s it. And that’s how it should be frankly.

Back to the person I spoke with, they have a friend in Tulsa who was there around the time the two were spotted at Starbucks together, and here’s apparently the tea: Bill apparently got coffee alone quite a few times, she arrived in Tulsa, they got coffee, and then she left Tulsa after like a day. This person’s friend said that they weren’t holding hands, and they barely even looked at each other the whole time. This is a kind of “her friend’s brother’s wife’s cousin” thing and could be false, however. And I honestly think that if you’ve got 3 kids and you make a HUGE fuss over not getting to see them because of YOUR work schedule, then you should be spending Christmas with them and NOT with your new side chick. The same goes for RB - if she was in Tulsa over Christmas, why was she not with her own kid?

There’s a whole kettle of accusations that could or could not be true about both of them frankly; she’s using him to restart her career, he’s insecure and he’s being taken advantage of, she’ll probably get his kids papped, blah blah blah. This honestly could be total bullshit so who the fuck knows at this point. The whole getting together before awards season as well is so obvious, like so many couples do that for good publicity during this time of year and it’s frankly laughable. It’s the same kind of situation as the Alison Sudol/David Harbour situation two years ago - they stepped out together at the Golden Globes etc. And look how that turned out!

And, to be honest, I get feelings about people. You know how sometimes you just get a feeling about someone and you try to push it aside but it gnaws at you? Yeah. It’s not concrete evidence but I’ll be honest, 97% of the time I’ve found that if I have a feeling about a person, I’m at least somewhat right. I had a gut feeling when the whole nonsense about Johnny Depp and Amber Heard started, and even when I was abused and harassed over it, I knew my gut was telling me that it was BS because it just didn’t feel right. And it turns out I was right in that case because it’s now come out that Heard was abusing him and that she’s almost certainly been lying the entire time about being abused. But I digress, I’m not here to talk about that. I don’t know why but I get a bad feeling/vibe about RB and, hey, I could be totally wrong, nothing is ever 100%! But right now that’s the vibe I get and i tend to go with what that gut feeling is telling me.

And before the accusations of “you’re just a bitter jealous fan” come flooding in (as they inevitably will), I can promise you that is not the case. I make jokes about being thirsty and shit, but that’s all they are - jokes. Come on, I’m 22 next week, do you really think I want to hook up with a 41 year old with 3 kids?? 😂 And besides that, there have been MANY actors I either crush on or admire who are either in relationships or married, and because I’m an adult I can respect that. Hell, most of the time, I start stanning their partner too! There’s literally only ever been one occasion where I had a crush on an actor and didn’t like the person they’re (now) married to, and that’s because I didn’t like her as a person. I can respect that they’re married and I wish them all the luck, but given that it’s been nearly 9 years now and I still don’t particularly like her (and I don’t crush on said actor now), it’s definitely not a “fangirl crush” thing. It’s just that sometimes you don’t like certain people - maybe you disagree with their views, their behavior, or maybe you just don’t like the vibe they give off. You can’t like everyone, and you can’t be liked by everyone, that’s just how it is.

So, to conclude, I want to just make it clear that while I’m not a fan, honestly all the power to them, like Bill is a grown ass man, he can do whatever he wants with his life for all I care, he doesn’t need fangirls online rushing to defend him or baby him. As Mrs Brown from Mrs Brown’s Boys said... “it’s your life, love, you’re entitled to fuck it up however you please”. (I’m not saying he IS fucking up his life, on the contrary he’s doing very well for himself, it’s just a saying)

[the--sad--hatter]

Name Changing (8)

FANDOM - MARVEL MCU, X-MEN, DEADPOOL

PAIRING - BUCKY X READER (female reader, no physical descriptions)

WARNINGS - ALL OF THEM, SMUT, VIOLENCE ANGST

DESCRIPTION -  Sequel to Name Calling

After merging with your bloodthirsty alternate personality things start getting a little dicey. You’ve got two decades worth of anger to sort through, a feral mutation to figure out how to live with, a biological father who you hate trying to teach you control and if your wedding planner suggests teal for the bridesmaids again you might just eat her liver.

Luckily you have Bucky Barnes by your side, helping you figure things out. What Bucky doesn’t know is that you have found an outlet for the uncontrollable rage, one that absolutely nobody can know about. If your friends and family knew that you were out slaughtering people in the dead of night while they slept, they might be a little annoyed. Wade Wilson is happy to keep your secret though, so long as you keep bribing him with Mexican food.

For as long as you could remember, all you had wanted was to be good. Now you’re seeing the temptation in the darkness.

Chapter Eight - Doctor Doctor, I Think I’m a Killer!

The next week was a whirlwind of activity and you barely had time to breath. The next meeting with the wedding planner went a lot more smoothly for some reason and you eventually found out that while you were away, Darcy had taken Erlo to the planning appointments.

The Bridesmaids were wearing Stark Red like you had requested, The Grooms-men were wearing blue, the church (after a hefty donation from Tony) was booked, your dress was awaiting the final alterations, the caterers were booked, the flowers were ordered, the guest-list was finalised... Or so you thought...

“Kit Kat, last chance to invite him.” Tony prompted when he cornered you in the kitchen.

“Why? Why would I invite him?” You demanded.

“He’s your father.”

“No, You’re my father. He was a sperm doner.” You snarled.

“I thought you were getting along with him better?” Tony asked.

“Just because I can work with him, doesn’t mean I want him at my wedding.” You hissed.

“Alright kid, calm down and quit hissing at me like a feral cat. You’re inviting the rest of the X-Men, you can’t not invite him.” Tony admonished you.

“Why are you pushing this? You don’t like him either.” You grouched.

“Because he is your father, even if I’m much better at it. And one day, maybe, just maybe, you’ll realise that you don’t hate him and you’ll regret that he wasn’t there.”

It took all of your self control not to snarl at Tony again.

“I don’t want him there. End of story.” You said, slamming the coffee pot down so hard it shattered.

You and Tony froze and looked at it.

“I’ll clean that up.” You whispered.

“Uh yeah, you will. And fine, invite literally everyone at Xavier’s except your biological father... that won’t be awkward. Especially since Remy RSVP’d yes...” He said, rolling his eyes.

You ignored him and started sweeping up the broken glass, trying to breathe through the anger. Not only was wedding planning was getting to you, you were waking up every night from nightmares about falling and indescribable pain.

Bucky was almost as exhausted as you but he was holding the both of you together, taking over as much of the wedding stuff as he could so you could spend the days at the school, helping Ryan adjust.

The young boy was skittish and nervous, always looking around like he was waiting for the other shoe to drop and everything to go wrong. His mutation was powerful and amazing, he had to the power of manifestation, something that lay in the realm of telekinesis. Whatever he pictured, happened. On the plane he had been picturing escaping, freedom and had inadvertently blown the plane doors off.

Two nights this week so far he’d been too scared to be left alone and you’d stayed at the school so you could be close by, which when your nightmares came was awkward.

It was Logan’s face you saw when your eyes snapped open and he looked concerned. You looked away in shame that he had seen you so vulnerable and come to wake you up.

“You good?” Logan’s gruff voice asked you.

You took a deep breath and turned round to glare at him coldly. You bit your tongue, he had just woken you up from the nightmare and you didn’t want to start a fight in the middle of the night so you nodded at him. If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Your eyes flicked to the clock on the bedside. 4:37am. You were supposed to be up soon anyway, you had to stick with Ryan for his first day of classes. Logan saw you check the clock and deduced what you were thinking easily.

“I’ll put coffee on.” He grunted at you and left without waiting for a response, closing the door to the spare room and leaving you in solitude.

Your jaw clenched automatically as you violently tore the spare clothes Jean had given you out of the wardrobe and pulled them on before creeping downstairs as quietly as you could.

When you got to the kitchen you stopped dead with a almost comical look of confusion on your face.

“What the bloody hell are you doing?” You asked.

Logan looked up from the pan he was currently manning, trademark cigar hanging from his mouth and the ash from it precariously close to dropping into the pan.

“Making breakfast, .” He muttered, flicking the cigar ash into the sink and looking up at you.

“You Avengers eat that sort of thing right?” He asked sarcastically.

You rolled your eyes and shook your head in exasperation

Logan stayed silent, choosing to focus instead on pushing the bacon around the pan. The sounds of it sizzling were the only sounds in the kitchen as you sighed heavily and tried to think of something to say. You didn’t hate your father anymore exactly but you didn’t exactly know what to say around him either and the feeling was mutual.

You went to pour yourself a cup of coffee and paused, a cup was already poured for you. Your eyes flicked up to Logan who was watching you, a challenge on his face. You suddenly felt exhausted, what had it come to between you that a cup of damn coffee was such a big thing? Your shoulders tensed up as you clenched the mug in your fist and brought it to your lips. Logan’s eyes watched her carefully as you drank and you forced a friendly grin as you sat down.

“Thanks.” You said.

“You’re welcome.”

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

“I don’t know how to act around him, I don’t know whether I hate him or I want his approval.” You admitted, throwing yourself dramatically onto the green sofa.

“It’s natural to seek approval from a father figure but understandable that you also feel anger at the father who abandoned you.” Doc Samson reasoned.

“He didn’t abandon me.” You responded.

“Logically you know that, do your emotions know that though?”

You didn’t grace him with an actual answer, just grumbled at him.

“Alright, let’s talk about something else. How have your murderous tendancies been?” He said, changing the topic to a no less pleasent one.

“I haven’t killed anyone since I chucked a dude out of a plane.” You said proudly, preening.

God, how were you proud of yourself for not killing someone in w whole week?

“And how has your mood been?” He pressed.

“Awful. I can feel the anger in me building and building, every little thing annoys me and I find myself justifying things in my mind that aren’t justifiable. Like killing the caterer would be totally fine so long as nobody knew it was me.”

“The longer you go without killing the more your morals loosen. Are you worried that if you keep shoving your darker impulses away that Vernichtung will be reborn?” He asked.

Well if that wasn’t hitting the nail on the head you didn’t know what was.

“It’s how she was born in the first place, now I’m merged with her all that darkness is my responsibility but I still have the good in me. The good seems further and further away every day.” You told him, grabbing a box of kleenex and tossing it in the air and catching it.

“Letting it out in controlled bursts, unleasing on criminals and villians... It seems like a win/win strategy so why are you resisting?” He asked you.

“Because it’s getting harder and harder to hide it. I can’t keep dissapearing, sooner or later someone’s going to figure out that the mysterious killer who accompanies Deadpool on the same nights I’m with him is me.” You said.

“Well it seems to me that all you need is a better cover story.” He suggested.

You narrowed your eyes at him.

“Are you really sanctioning murder and lying to my loved ones?” You asked him.

“Nobody can tie me back to you, that’s why we meet in this empty building and not my office. So I’m free to reccomend what is best for you, not what I’m supposed to reccomend. You are not normal, it would be stupid of me to treat you like you were. I’m sanctioning you letting out your darkness on those who deserve it before you hurt your loved ones, and lying is often just another word for protecting.”

“So you think I should find a better way to hide my bloody hobbies so I can go about my killing ways without arousing suspicion?” You clarified.

“I do.”

“Ok, I’ll work on it.”

“Now, your wedding is in a few days and you’ll be in Vegas for your hen party before that. Don’t you think you should see your friend Deadpool tonight?”

“Yeah, best go on a little murder spree before I end up Deathwaving half the wedding party...” You agreed.

“Excellent, well then I shall see you again after your honeymoon.” He said, standing up.

“You sure you can’t come to the wedding?” You asked his as you left.

“I’m afriad not, I have plans with my brother this weekend.” He said with a mischevios smirk.  

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

You: I need to see you tonight.

Daddypool: GREAT! Cause I have a wedding present for you...

You: If it’s another tasteful nude, I don’t want it. (Though I do think the strateically placed daffodils were a nice touch.)

Deadpool: I told you, I meant to send it to Cap not you.

You: So that’s why he was screaming. What’s the present then?

Deadpool: Not a what, a who. A very naughty boy who needs punished and it’s not me.

“Hello Kitten.” Someone whispered in your ear and in a very unherolike display of bravery you shrieked and threw your phone in the air, twisting round to glare at a smirking Loki with your hand clasped to your heart.

“Stop doing that!” You yelled at him.

He chuckled at you as you picked up your phone off the ground.

“What do you want?” You snapped at him.

“I need a favour dear kitten, I have plans this evening that I would prefer remain unknown. I need you to say you are with me if anyone asks.” He told you.

You started to question him but stopped, this was perfect. You and Loki could be each other Alibi’s.

“Alright, I’ll do it. Try not to do anything too diabolical though.” You said.

He just smirked at you and you hoped you weren’t making a mistake. You ddin’t think whatever he was doing would be too bad though... It was Loki and he was a good person deep down, he’d never betray you.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Aight, I'm just gonna say it... Loki is a great therapist.

SO BEGINS THE WEDDING SHENNANGINS! I'd love to hear your hopes, fears and theories for what's going to go down over the course of these chapters. We've got Vegas for the hen party, that'll go well right? Will the ceremony go off without a hitch? Will there be drama amongst the fluff at the reception? Where will they Honeymoon? Just how much smut can I write?

@nerdandproud-86 @harrison-shot-first @thejourneyneverendsx @thelostallycat @inquisitor-selvala @the-corruptor @iovher @kendrawr-kitkat @phoenix-whiskey-tears @the–real-wombat @buckitybarnes @fairislesheets @angieptt @meganjonezzzz @dugan365 @fluffeh-kitty @memanda17  @krystallynx @theonelittleone @piscesbarnes @free-as-fishes @tarastudiesalot @captainamericasbeard @dropthepizza346 @jaynnanadrews @likes-to-smell-books @drdorkus @life-wanderer @metalarmlover  @animegirlgeeky @jsmith509 @chipilerendi @nerdy-bookworm-1998 @ericasabe @gravedollie666 @madlykpopfan @l0kisbitch @mywinterwolf @sassysweetstories @life-wanderer @jessieray98 @littledeadrottinghood @myfandomlife-blog @spnrvt @dahkness @sexyvixen7 @dilaila95

[willgayers]

reddie under the mistletoe!!

here ya go!

“So… what are you doing tonight?”

“I don’t know. Just hanging out with mom, I guess.”

Beverly and Eddie were walking through an aisle at the mall, a Christmas pop-up store one.

“With your mom?” Beverly raised her brows as her eyes widened slightly. “Are you serious? Eddie, it’s Christmas Eve! You’re gonna have to hang out with her tomorrow. Today is technically your last night of freedom!”

Eddie snorted as he graced his fingers over random objects, not really looking for anything.

“I don’t know, Bevvie. Are you doing something tonight, then?” He asked.

“Well, Richie and I were thinking that maybe we could all do a little Christmas hangout thingy.” Beverly shrugged.

“But Stanley’s Jewish,” Eddie said, turning his gaze to Beverly now.

Beverly sighed, glancing away.

“Yes… Richie uh, Richie wants to call it Chrismukkah.” She said, and Eddie snorted, amused.

“A what?”

“A Chrismukkah,” Beverly said. “Christmas and Hanukkah.”

“That’s kinda clever,” Eddie smirked a little.

“So are you coming?” Beverly asked, excited. They hadn’t noticed the aisle had ended, so they accidentally almost walked towards an older lady.

“Sorry,” Eddie rushed to say, but the woman just rolled her eyes with a scoff before she walked away.

“Merry Christmas to you too,” Eddie mumbled.

“That’s how you’re gonna end up if you don’t come tonight,” Beverly said. “Lonely and bitter. And annoyed over nothing.” She shot the lady a scowl.

Eddie let out a laugh as they turned around the corner to shuffle on another aisle.

“Why? You’re all gonna abandon me if I don’t come tonight?” He asked Beverly.

“Possibly,” Beverly said. “I mean, all of us except Richie.”

Eddie went bright red, and he had to turn his head away, pretending he was looking at some handicraft Santa.

“Why wouldn’t Richie?” He asked. He’d been in love with Richie ever since forever, but he’d never talked about his feelings. I mean, come on; Richie was a ladies man. He’d never really had girlfriends though, which Eddie found kind of weird, taking there were literal lines of girls who wanted to date him. Maybe Richie was just picky.

He thought Beverly didn’t notice the redness on his face, but she did.

“Because Richie can’t afford to lose a friend. He’s too annoying to make friends with anyone outside the group.” Beverly just shrugged. Of course she saw the reaction from Eddie; but she wasn’t gonna be a bitch about it. She knew Eddie liked Richie. She’d noticed it every single time Richie made a joke, how Eddie would quietly chuckle. How when Richie said something actually smart, Eddie looked at him with the literal definition of star-eyes. And finally, the look on Eddie’s face when the “hottest girl” in class, Jennifer Kettles came to ask Richie on a date. But as Richie’s best friend, Beverly also knew that Richie had the hots for Eddie — he held the doors open for Eddie and Eddie only, he practically every time asked Eddie’s opinion on something the losers were discussing, he literally called him cute right to his face every now and then… Who wouldn’t know it? Well, everyone except Eddie, apparently. 

“Right,” Eddie said, for some reason feeling disappointment burn in the pit of his stomach. Of course that’s only why. 

“So— you coming?” Beverly asked, tilting her head lightly. Eddie turned back around from the handicraft Santas.

“I’ll think about it,” he said, faking her a tiny smile.

—–—

He didn’t think about it.

In all honesty? He didn’t even want to go. Lately his feelings for Richie had grown over to the maximum, to the point where it almost physically hurt to be around him and not kiss him or touch him constantly. Christmas break would be awesome for that; he wouldn’t have to see Richie.

Or so he thought.

Eddie was lying on his bed, reading a comic, when suddenly he heard someone speak from downstairs.

“Well, a very merry Christmas Eve to you, Mrs. Kaspbrak!”

Eddie’s eyes widened.

“What do you want, Richard?” Said Sonia’s bored, or if you may, done, tone.

“Is Eddie home?”

Kaspbrak dropped the comic and jumped down from his bed, rushing downstairs.

“He’s not going out.”

“Why not?”

“Heyyyyy,” Eddie rushed to say from the stairs, seeing his mother stand on the doorway in front of Richie.

Richie, who had his curly hair stuffed under a dark blue beanie, some of it shoving out anyway. He was wearing a black jacket and a grey scarf around his neck, his glasses lightly fumed up and Eddie almost needed his inhaler from the cuteness.

And then there was that god-damn smile.  

“Hey!” Richie happily said.

“I can take it from here,” Eddie said to his mom as he arrived at the doorway, glancing at Richie before turning his gaze back to his mom. “Thanks, ma.”

Sonia looked at Eddie for a moment quietly, before she gave Richie one more judging look.

“Fine,” she then muttered and walked away.

Eddie stared after her until she’d disappeared in the kitchen.

“What’s up?” He then asked as he turned back to Richie.

“Why aren’t you dressed up?” Richie asked, gesturing towards Eddie’s small frame that was clothed in a pair of black sweatpants and a oversized grey sweater.

Eddie glanced at his clothes as well.

“Uh… why would I be? It’s the holidays,” He let out an awkward chuckle.

“Because Chrismukkah starts in five hours.” Richie said.

“Right,” Eddie said. “But I’m not coming.”

Richie looked at Eddie, blinking a couple of times.

What did he mean he wasn’t gonna come?! How else would Richie be able to give him his present?! How else would Richie be able to spend time with him?!

“Why?” Tozier just asked.

“I promised mom we’re gonna decorate the tree tonight,” Eddie said.

“Tonight? Oh, come on Eds! You’re gonna have plenty of time to decorate it later.” Richie said.

“Later? Richie, tomorrow’s Christmas.” Eddie frowned.

“Well it’s not my fault you haven’t decorated the tree yet. I mean, come on, Kaspbrak. What are you, Grinch?” 

Eddie snorted in amusement.

“Mom only got it today,” He said. "Where is this Chrismukkah even happening?”

“At the swimming hall.” Richie shrugged.

Ah. Their regular hangout place. The abandoned swimming hall at the outlines of the city.

“And everyone else is coming?” Eddie asked, biting on his lip gently. Richie tried to shrug off the thoughts this caused him.

“Yeah,” he just said.

Eddie kept on biting down to his lip, thinking; before he gave in with a tiny chuckle. He could decorate the tree once he got home.

“Okay, fine.”

Richie started to smile wide.

“Yeah?!”

“Yeah,” Eddie nodded.

“Oh, great!” Richie said, clapping his hands together once. “Great great great!”

Then he started to walk away from Eddie’s yard.

“Well, see you tonight then, Spaghetti!”

Eddie rolled his eyes amusedly.

“See ya,” he said, watching as Richie turned to the yard, and gave Eddie one last wave. Eddie waved back, and then closed the door.

“You going somewhere tonight?” Sonia appeared from behind the corner like she’d been listening to every word. Well, she probably had.

“It’s this Chrismukkah thing.” Eddie shrugged, glancing away.

Sonia frowned.

“A what?”

“Christmas and Hanukkah,” Eddie said.

His mother looked at him for a moment, before dryly mumbling;

“…Right.”

“…can I… can I go?” Eddie asked, knowing that if his mother would say no now, he’d just have to sneak out.

“Well you’ve already decided to go, haven’t you?” Sonia asked, crossing her arms in front of her chest.

Was this a trick question?

Eddie just nodded, and Sonia glared at him for a moment.

“No drinking and you’ll be back home by nine.”

“By nine?” Eddie asked. “Come on, mom— it starts at eight!”

Sonia scowled at her son again.

“Fine. Ten.”

Eddie fought the urge to roll his eyes. Two hours. Wow.

“Clear?” Sonia asked.

“Yes, mom…” Eddie mumbled, and Sonia nodded.

“Great.”

Eddie just nodded and walked back upstairs, now daring to roll his eyes.

—–—

Richie hadn’t told any of the losers about his little trip to Eddie’s place to make sure he really was coming, but Beverly especially had noticed Richie’s rather over-excited mode, and how he’d been jumping from one corner of the pool to another, hanging up Christmas decorations and a string of letters that said “Happy Hanukkah!”

"Have you got the ham?” Richie asked, and Beverly nodded.

“Plastic plates?”

Nod.

“Tiny doughnuts?”

Nod.

“Wine-”

“Richie, I’ve got everything we wrote to the list,” Beverly said, and Richie just nodded; before he gasped so fast Beverly flinched a little.

“I almost forgot! And people are gonna be here soon!” He blurted out as he rushed to a white bag at the other corner of the pool.

“Richie, people are our friends.” Beverly noted. “Five of them. You’re not exactly throwing the—”

But as she saw the look on Richie’s face, she cut it, and started to smile.

“Sorry. You’re right. Great you remembered before they got here.” She said.

Richie had started to get an interest of organizing “events” lately; whether it was a group sleepover, a horror movie marathon on Halloween or a brunch with weird things — but in every occasion Richie was very proud of himself, and it made all the other losers happy.

Richie smiled wide at Beverly before he grabbed the bag and walked back over to Bevvie.

“What’s in the bag, Tozier?”

They turned their gazes to the left, seeing Stan and Bill walk towards them.

“Hey guys,” Richie said as the two looked around.  

“W-wow,” Bill said.

“I know right?” Richie smirked.

“Are you fucking kidding me, Rich?” Stanley asked, and for a moment Richie’s smirk faded away; did he do something wrong? Was Stan not impressed? Richie just wanted to be fair to him too!

“This is awesome,” Stanley then let out a laugh, and now Richie was smiling at him.

“Thank you,” he said.

Literally a few seconds after, Ben and Mike walked in, a whistle leaving Mike’s lips.

“Nice, Richie,” He commented. “You really are a Martha Stewart inside.”

Ben jumped straight down, making his way to Beverly and mumbling a soft “Hey”, before kissing her.

“Love what you’ve done with the place, Rich.” Ben said and Richie was so smitten as everyone seemed to admire his decorations.

The only one missing now was Eddie; he was running late, due to he had no idea what to wear. He’d switched shirts like five times — he didn’t even know himself why, but he found himself looking at his reflection from different angles until he just groaned and pulled on a dark purple Christmas sweater.

He was just about to step out of his room, when he turned to look at the night table next to his bed; and leaned closer to grab something wrapped in red paper from the first drawer. Then he rushed out.

—–—

At the swimming hall the other losers were already chit-chatting and eating the appetizers — some pigs in blankets.

“Is Eddie coming?” Stanley asked at one point.

“Yeah,” Richie said. “I mean; at least that’s what he told me.”

“He told you he was coming?” Beverly asked, a little offended. “To me he said he wasn’t sure.”

Everyone exchanged looks and Richie tried to look past them; even though he knew exactly what the others meant by their tiny smirks.

“Hey Bevvie can you pass me that ketchup?” Mike asked, and just as Beverly handed it, someone’s voice echoed from further.

“Sorry I’m late!”

They all turned their heads, seeing Eddie rush from the doors. A smile spread across Richie’s face immediately; which of course didn’t go unnoticed by Stan, who nudged Ben’s side with a wiggle of his brows. Ben just amusedly rolled his eyes.

“Hey,” Richie said as Eddie jumped down to the pool, Tozier’s voice softer than he’d intended to— but shit, did Eddie look cute in that sweater.

Eddie took notice of the tone of his voice, making his cheeks heat up but he brushed it off with a tiny smile. He didn’t mean it like that, Eddie.

“Hey,” he said, making his way over to the rest of them. He sat down next to Richie, who couldn’t stop staring at Eddie; but as Eddie turned his head to glance back at him, Richie cleared his throat and turned his head away.

“So—!” He started. “Now that you’re all finally here—”

He grabbed the white bag from the floor.

“These are some little gifts I’ve made you all.”

“You made gifts?” Ben asked. “I didn’t know we were supposed to bring gifts?”

Ben glanced around the other losers, starting to panic a little; did he forget something?

“No, no, you weren’t supposed to,” Richie said. “I just wanted to make y'all a little something.”

“Richie, if we would’ve known—” Beverly started, making eye contact with the other losers.

“Seriously guys! It’s okay,” Richie chuckled. “Now—”

He pulled out something that looked like a Santa hat at first; but then it looked like a Kippah.

“What… is that?” Stanley tilted his head lightly, in curiosity.

“It’s a Santippah!” Richie announced proudly. “A Santa hat Kippah!”

“That’s the cutest thing ever!” Beverly blurted out, leaning to grab the one Richie was holding. She placed it on top of her head and smiled at Ben who chuckled.

Richie started handing them out for all of them, as they all placed it on top of their heads with smiles on their faces.

Stanley especially was smiling; the fact Richie had really done something like this, even if it was a little weird — it meant a lot.

Richie handed Eddie one last, and watched as the brunette placed it on top of his head.

“How do I look?” He smirked at Richie.

Adorable. Cute. Perfect.

“You look great,” Richie just smiled, making Eddie’s stomach fill with butterflies as he had to glance away. 

“Where’s y-your hat, Rich?” Bill asked.

“Santippah, babe. It’s called a Santippah.” Stan corrected.

“Sorry. S-Santippah.” Bill nodded.

“Yeah, where’s yours?” Eddie asked, leaning to grab the last one from the bag.

“Chill, I just haven’t had the time to put it on yet,” Richie laughed, and Eddie pulled it out, grabbing the empty bag from Richie’s hands and tossing it away.

Richie was about to take the Santippah from Eddie, but he raised it away; he wanted to put it on Richie’s head. Once again, all the other losers glanced at each other remarkably. Richie swallowed as he blushed a little.

Eddie smirked as he adjusted the hat on Richie’s raven hair, and then smiled at the boy.

“There.” He said.

“How do I look?” Richie asked.

“Very handsome.” Eddie smiled, and the look in his eyes made Richie’s heart flutter in his chest.

God, he was so in love with this boy; how did Eddie not see it? They sat there, staring into each other’s eyes, like this moment with Santippah’s had just changed something between them, making them completely forget about all the other losers.

His gaze turned to Eddie’s hair, especially the stray that had escaped, probably in process of the Santippah being adjusted.

“Wait, your hair is…”

He leaned to pull the stray behind Eddie’s ear. Eddie’s, whose breath nearly hitched in his throat.

There was another long gaze exchanged, when suddenly someone cleared their throat.

That someone being Stanley.  

“I am starving!” He said. “Lets eat.”

“Right,” Eddie blurted out, blushing immediately.

“Yes, food,” Richie said, turning his head away.

Beverly smirked at Ben; they’d planned something for later tonight.

They had a great time; the food was really good, they talked about funny things that had happened a year ago in December, discussed the upcoming year in school… until it was nine forty-five pm.

“Oh shit, guys— I gotta go,” Eddie spoke, and the laughter faded.

“What, already?” Richie asked immediately, disappointment filling his guts.

“Yeah,” Eddie sighed. “Mom.”

They all made a quiet “aaaaah”, understanding.

“Well let me uh— let me walk you to the door,” Richie said.

Eddie looked at him for a moment before nodding.

“Okay, sure,” he said.  

He did still have his present to give.  

“Okay— I’ll be right back guys,” Richie said.

“Okeydokey,” Beverly said, leaning to take some more ham. She seemed weirdly cheery, but Richie and Eddie just decided to shrug it off.

“Well— merry Christmas guys,” Eddie said. “And uh, happy Hanukkah.”

Stanley nodded with a smile.  

“Merry Christmas Eddie,” they all said in choir.

Richie and Eddie then climbed up from the pool and started to waddle away.

“You had fun?” Richie asked, and they glanced at each other as they walked on the dimly blue-lit (from Richie’s Christmas lights) hallway.

“Yeah,” Eddie smiled. “You did a great job.”

Richie smiled back at him.

“Thanks,” he said.

Then they stepped outside, where it had started to softly snow.

“Looks pretty,” Eddie said.

“Yeah,” Richie agreed.

Then they turned to look at each other again.

“I uh… I got you something,” Eddie said, and Richie’s eyes widened a little.

“You… did?”

“Yeah,” Eddie nodded, opening his fanny-pack and taking the present out.

“I don’t know if you have it already, but…”

Richie smiled as he grabbed the wrapped present. He opened it, and gasped. It was a Nirvana cassette.

“I didn’t,” he said. “I mean… I only have the record.”

Eddie glanced away. Shit. He’d thought he’d been clever and got him something he didn’t have yet.  

“But I mean—! I can’t listen to a record in the car, for example. Thank you, Eds. I appreciate this,” Richie said, and now Eddie smiled at him.

“Yeah, it’s… yeah.” He just shrugged.

Richie looked at him for a moment, before he licked his lips and then spoke.

“I got something for you too,” he said.

Eddie raised his brows.

“You did?” Eddie asked, surprised.

Richie nodded, reaching for his flannel pocket. He handed Eddie a poorly wrapped present, that made Eddie smile. Richie was adorable.

Eddie opened the present, and smiled wide.

“You made this?” He asked.

It was a black bracelet with beads that all had one letter of Eddie’s name in them. Well, actually it spelled E D S.

“Yeah,” Richie shrugged, immediately regretting the decision; what was he even thinking?! That he’d be cute—? Oh my God, Richie, what are you- twelve?!

“It’s very cute. Thank you.” Eddie said.

“You think?” Richie asked, starting to smile again.

Eddie nodded.

“Yeah,” he said. Richie blushed a little, glancing away. 

“Can you tie it?”

Richie turned his gaze back to Eddie, who was looking at him. Richie just nodded, grabbing the bracelet from Eddie who held his hand out. Richie pulled his sweater sleeve up, before closing the thing around his much more tinier, tanned wrist. He swallowed, not really remembering to let go; but then he did, before he nervously (at the touch of their skin), lifted his gaze up to Eddie again.

“There,” He said.

They stood there for a moment, and then Eddie turned his gaze upwards where the snow was coming from, only to have his lips parting lightly.

“What?” Richie asked.

Eddie glanced at him and pointed upwards. Richie turned his gaze upwards too, blushing even more now.

“O-oh,” he uttered out, the both of them looking at the mistletoe.

“Should we, uh…” Eddie started, clearing his throat.

“Well I mean— we don’t, we don’t have to-” Richie started, and a little disappointed, Eddie turned his gaze away.

“But I mean if you want to,” Richie blurted out, clearly seeing the change in Eddie’s mood. Eddie turned his gaze back to Richie.

“Because I… I would. Want to,” Richie spoke, his throat suddenly feeling dry.

Eddie didn’t say anything; he felt like his whole body was noodle right now. Richie wanted to kiss him?

He was quiet for so long Richie started to regret saying anything at all.

“I’m sorry, I—” he started to speak, but Eddie stepped closer so Richie went quiet.

“You… you wanna…?” Richie started to ask carefully, and Eddie nodded with a tiny smile.

Richie had kissed a few people before; not exactly romantically, but he had. Meanwhile this was Eddie’s first kiss, so he had no idea what to do.  

Richie realized this, so he started to lean closer slowly, both of their hearts beating so fast in their chests it felt like they were gonna burst out.

Eddie was nervous, his palms were sweaty and he kept on licking his lips; until Richie finally closed the gap between them and their lips collided.

Eddie sighed to the kiss — Richie was good.

Tozier was enjoying himself as well; Eddie’s lips were soft and tasted like peppermint.

Beep beep! 

Richie flinched at the sound, pulling away. Eddie glanced at the clock on his wrist and sighed; 10.00 PM.  

“I—”

“You gotta-”

“Go,” Eddie said. “Yeah.”

Richie nodded.

They stood in silence for a moment, not exactly sure how to act.

“Merry, uh… Merry Christmas,” Richie said, and Eddie smiled lightly.

“Yeah. Merry Christmas Richie,” he said.

Richie just nodded, turning around and starting to walk back in.

You’re an idiot you’re an idiot you’re an idiot, he thought to himself.

Why’d you have to kiss Eddie?! It was just a stupid mistletoe! Eddie probably only did it because it’s a thing— not because he’d really want to kiss you!

“Richie, wait—”

Tozier turner around on the hallway, just in time as Eddie now practically threw himself at the taller boy, grabbing his face and pressing his lips to Richie’s. For a moment Richie was confused and taken by surprise, but soon he melted to the kiss, gently grabbing Eddie from the waist; and just as the kiss was getting good, Eddie pulled away.

“Now I can go,” He breathed out, and Richie was smiling from ear to ear.

“Bye,” he said, and Eddie smiled back as he started to rush away.

“Bye.” Richie said, holding his hand up in a wave. “Wait!”

Eddie turned around. “Yeah?”

“Can I… I mean, do you wanna, like… hang out, tomorrow, or something? Like later.” Richie babbled out.

Eddie smiled wide.

“Sure. I’ll call you.” He said, and Richie smiled back, before he nodded.

“Okay.”

“Maybe we can re-match that,” Eddie said, and Richie’s eyes widened. He could’ve passed out at the thought of how many times they could kiss.

But he forced himself to just give Eddie another nod, who then smiled once more before he then rushed away.

Richie watched as the brunette hurried back outside, before he turned around and made his way back to the pool where all the losers were laughing and talking loudly.

Richie walked back over to them, sitting next to them around the fire, still a stupid goofy grin on his face.

Best, Christmas Eve, ever.

@superbyersbros@xbell22@donthateonk8@stenbroughbros@reddiebrekmyheart@itsgreywaterrichie@donvex@blueeyespurpleskies@ageorgymi@oh-youre-the-worst @eddiekaaspbraak @whipashwhipash@rissyq @richietoaster@edskasqbrak@urtury@bukiminajimu@kcutieeesblog@stansmansuris@adorefack@reddieaddict@icyeyes102@denbroughbill@graveyardshipper@taletellingsir@anxiety-freak-yuuri@rheddie@queertrashmouth@richiefreakingtozier@castletozier@tohzier@80soleff@lonewolfhard@low-key-dying@sad-synth @richietoaster@badboyharrington@beepbeep-losers @temptedtozier @kaspbraccs @kylieee827-blog @sad-synth @low-key-dying @officiallyreddie @reddietofall @stanleyboii @eternitynurarms@remushlupin@turtleneckrichie @rosegoldrichie @80srichie @asteroidbill@lonewolfhard@trashmouthgazebos@littlepointman@finnhardwolf @allison0609@fabulousprinceali  @tatiscribbles @s-s-georgie @coralinejones @richiestoziiers@tatiscribbles @bellsd129

[zillanewt]

What’s In Your Head?

Chapter One // Chapter Two // Chapter Three // Chapter Four // Chapter Five

summary: So, the year is 1999. Eddie is 23 years old, telepathic, and lives with his childhood best friend, Bill, in Portland, Maine. He meets a young musician with a knack for speed named Richie at a bar. Based off @trashmouthloser‘s mutant!loser club headcanons!!

pairing: reddie

words: 2.6K

warnings: implied homophobia (?), implied sexual content, Mrs. K being manipulative in general

A/N: I’m very tired as I post this, so I only have two things to say. 1) I hate Sonia Kaspbrak with every bone in my body. 2) I feel as if we don’t expand enough on how her relationship with Eddie is literally built on emotional abuse. Thank you to everybody who read, liked, and reblogged!! I really didn’t expect this fic to take off like it did. It kinda was just a self-indulgent piece of drivel for me, so I’m excited y’all enjoyed it!!! Please message me if you would like to be added to the the taglist!

Much to Mrs. Kaspbrak’s frustration, it has been five years since Eddie has been back to Derry. Every time she urges him to come visit or come home for the holidays, he bickers with her until she relents and travels to Portland instead. Despite Bill’s usually patient and courteous demeanor, having Mrs. Kaspbrak in their apartment was always a test of Eddie and Bill’s friendship, because one of them would be trying to kill the other by the end of it.

But this year was different because this was the year Eddie’s mom slipped in the shower and threw out her back. It was no surprise to Eddie, as his mother was aging rapidly.

Thankfully, one of Eddie’s aunts found her before too much harm could be done, but Mrs. Kaspbrak stayed in her armchair all day now, refusing to leave the house. Now, Eddie would have to travel to Derry for Thanksgiving, instead of spending it with Richie and their friends.

He supposes he could always invite Richie to come along, but he didn’t want Richie to see where he grew up. He didn’t want to slip up and reveal the old Eddie - a mama’s boy and a sissy - to his boyfriend. Furthermore, he knew his mother passive aggressive homophobic comments would be seriously discouraging for Richie. Eddie was used to it because it was her nature. Even though she knew Eddie was gay, he felt as if she’d never truly accepted it deep down.

That’s just the way it was with Mrs. Kaspbrak.

*************

During an evening with Richie at his apartment, Eddie decided to break the news. Gratefully, Stan was out drinking with Bill as they usually do on Friday nights (which Eddie needs to ask Bill about eventually). Richie had fallen asleep during the second half of Clueless, and Eddie found his tiny snores adorable despite always telling him they’re annoying. Securely, Eddie was in Richie’s lap, pressing his back close to the other’s chest. He lightly kicked at Richie’s socked feet with his own, trying to stir him from sleep.

In response, Richie groaned and softly swatted at Eddie’s bare thigh.

“Stooop,” he moaned, resting his face in the crook of Eddie’s neck. His further protests were muffled.

“No,” Eddie said curtly. “We gotta talk.”

Lazily, Richie opened his eyes. He was wearing his glasses tonight because he lost his contacts. They magnified his dark brown eyes to a comical level.

“Can’t we do this later?” Richie drawled, tightening his arms around Eddie’s waist.

Eddie rolled his eyes but then decided there was no time like the present to just come out and say it.

“I’m going back home for Thanksgiving,” Eddie sighed, and as soon as the words left his mouth, Richie sat up straight and looked at him with wide eyes and knitted eyebrows.

“Oh.” He sounded dejected, and it shot straight through his heart. “I just thought we were spending Thanksgiving together.”

Quietly, Eddie replied, “we still can.”

It took a minute for the confusion to dissipate from Richie’s face, as he realized what Eddie was really saying.

“Are you sure?” Richie questioned. “What if your mom doesn’t like me?”

“My mom doesn’t like anybody,” Eddie deadpanned.

Richie pursed his lips and looked as though he was in deep thought for a minute, which Eddie took the opportunity to explore.

“What if she hates me?” Richie thought. “What if she knows I’m not good enough for Eddie?”

Eddie threw a side-eyed glance at Richie and pulled his face into a grimace. He couldn’t believe Richie would even think he’s not good enough, and he voices such.

“You are good enough,” Eddie chastises, smacking Richie’s shoulder. “Besides, it’s my job to overthink and worry about my mom’s opinion, not yours.”

Richie still shows uncertainty on his face. He has heard nightmarish stories about Mrs. Kaspbrak from both Eddie and Bill. His knowledge of her extended to the fact she manipulated Eddie into believing he was frail and delicate when Richie knows Eddie is anything but. Of course, Eddie had his insecurities, but he showed unparalleled amounts of strength by continually putting up with everyone’s bullshit and helping his friends. He also had the faint idea Eddie’s mom wasn’t very thrilled with the fact her son was gay.

“Well, tough shit,” Richie thought. “He deserves to be himself without fear.”

Truthfully, Richie only wanted to be with Eddie for the holidays, despite his fearful mother.

In response to Eddie’s proposition, Richie grabbed his hand and squeezed tightly, then agreed.

“Because, fuck what Mrs. K thinks,” Richie decided.

************************

Though both Bill and Stan were excited to have the apartments to themselves, Bill was still slightly concerned. The morning they planned to leave for Derry, Bill pulled Richie aside as Eddie was putting their bags into the bed of Richie’s El Camino.

“I al-almost feel l-like I’m s-sending you off to w-war,” Bill whispers solemnly. “P-please don’t let Mrs. Kaspbrak’s behavior affect your relationship with Eddie. It would d-devastate him.”

Richie grimaces and tries to interrupt when Bill shuts him down.

“I-I’d be lying t-to you if I said Eddie’s m-mom isn’t a bad person,” Bill admits, but then thinks better of it. “Don’t tell E-Eddie I s-said that.”

He continues, “she will say just about anything to maintain control over Eddie, which includes tearing other people down. She’s most definitely going to be nasty to you while you’re there, but try not to let it get to you. I don’t like Mrs. K, but I put up with her for Eddie’s sake.”

The only thing Richie could do was purse his lips and nod because for once, he was at a loss for words. Maybe just like Richie didn’t want to be alone, Eddie didn’t want to be alone with his mother in his childhood home.

****************

Not much about Derry changed since he moved, Eddie noticed. A few years ago, they installed a mall downtown and demolished a few factories as well, but it was pretty much the same as it had been in high school. He could see there were still hateful things graffitied on Kissing Bridge, but he assumed Derry teenagers never stopped being assholes.

They drove past the Barrens, and Eddie remembered the first time he admitted he was gay to Bill. His best friend just held him while he cried and shook on the dirt ground.

When they pulled up to Eddie’s childhood home, all the memories began flooding back - the endless nights of bickering in high school, the scheduled medications, the inhaler he never truly needed, all of it.

Richie could apparently see Eddie was troubled from the look on his face, so he reached towards Eddie’s hands which were twitching in his lap. He grabbed one and intertwined their fingers, giving Eddie the same reassuring smile Eddie has given him a million times.

Eddie responded in kind, feeling brave enough to step out of the car instead of telling Richie to hit the gas and haul ass elsewhere. As they begun to unload their bags from the bed, one of Eddie’s aunts stepped out of the house, glared at Richie, then called “Sonia!” from the front door.

Bill and Eddie always said Eddie’s mom was hefty, but Richie never thought she would be well past obese. She stood in the doorway in a pink floral nightgown with stray curlers in her hair, watching them through large frames on her face.

Though the nasty look Eddie’s mom made Richie want to piss himself out of fear, he pulled his lips into a wide grin for Eddie. He’s had plenty of experience with partner’s parents who hated him, so this shouldn’t be different.

Right?

Wrong.

Richie swallows the lump in his throat as he mentally realizes this thing with Eddie was getting pretty serious and it wasn’t just fooling around for either of them. And nobody, not even Sonia Kaspbrak, was going to ruin this for him.  

Suddenly, they’re standing on the porch with the beast standing right in front of them. Her gaze turns from Richie to Eddie and softened, immediately pulling her son into a bear hug.

“Oh I missed you, Eddie bear!” she exclaimed, pressing him to her breast. Richie faintly wondered if his boyfriend even could breathe.

“Eddie bear,” Richie muttered endearingly under his breath. “That’s cute.”

Neither of the other two heard it but instead continued their interaction.

“Hi, Mommy,” Eddie muffled, still pressed to Sonia’s chest. He managed to break free of her grip and gesture to Richie, which the other boy really wishes he hadn’t because soon, Sonia’s hawk-like stare was on him again.

“Ma, this is Richie! My boyfriend!” Eddie said with so much pride. The glimmer in his eye made Richie feel as if Eddie thought he hung the stars himself.

The moment was soon ruined by Mrs. Kaspbrak’s unhappy grunt, which she made no effort to hide. Richie wasn’t welcome. She didn’t want Richie there and never would. But, Richie didn’t give a shit. She was just going to have put up with him because Richie was seriously falling in love with Eddie.

Though he was used to running, he would stand his ground this time for Eddie.

*****************************

After Eddie’s mom invited them inside and Richie was introduced to Eddie’s aunts (who were slightly nicer compared to their sister), they traveled upstairs to settled in. Mrs. Kaspbrak insisted Richie stay in the guest room, but when he took Eddie’s bags to his old room, he noticed the bed was definitely big enough for the two of them.

When he mentioned it to Eddie, the other man, still unpacking, only deadpanned, “She doesn’t want us bumping uglies under her roof.”

Richie almost choked on his own spit.

“I wish we were bumping uglies in general!” he recovered, trying to seem flirtatious and not desperate, even though he was pretty desperate.

They had been together for three months, and while they did other things, they hadn’t had actual sex. Richie was practicing nothing but patience because he’d probably castrate himself if Eddie asked. He just wanted Eddie to feel comfortable and safe, so they went at Eddie’s pace, though Richie’s nature was to go fast.

Literally.

Eddie rolled into his eyes, but played into Richie’s game. “Maybe if you’re a good boy,” he teased.

Richie raised an eyebrow and drawled, “What are you talking about, Eds? I’m always the best boy.”

Before Eddie could say anything, Richie was behind him with his hands on his waist, placing lingering kisses on his neck. He took much satisfaction in the way Eddie’s neck instantly flushed, soon reaching the tips of his ears.

“S-stop,” Eddie gasped. “We can’t do this right now.”

Richie eyes lit up like Christmas lights as he asked, “later?”

When Eddie furiously nodded, Richie felt as if his heart was about to burst from his chest.

***************************

Later that evening, they joined Eddie’s mother and aunts for dinner, much to Richie’s discomfort. They spent most of the night gossiping about their acquaintances, but they still managed to find time between nasty rumors to interrogate Richie.

“So,” Eddie’s aunt started, “what do you do, Richie?”

Mrs. Kaspbrak’s eyes quickly went from her sister to her son’s boyfriend, as she waited expectantly for the answer. Eddie would later tell Richie she was thinking “I’m sure he doesn’t have one.”

“I’m a musician,” Richie said nervously, reaching for Eddie’s hand under the table for support.

Eddie’s mom scoffed, turning back to annoyingly push her mashed potatoes around on her plate. His aunts only giggled, throwing disbelieving looks to both Sonia and Richie.

“You know, I wouldn’t mind Eddie being gay if he could ever find a man worthwhile,” she said bluntly, glaring at Richie. Then she turned to Eddie, “Why do you hate me, Eddie? You must hate me because you keep bringing home losers solely to disappoint me.”

There was no answer to that question. Eddie knew what game his mother was playing. She would try to invoke guilt from Eddie, even when Eddie did absolutely nothing wrong. Though Eddie thought he was immune to it by now, it still got to him deep down.

“It’s your own damn fault you’re disappointed, Ma,” Eddie deadpanned. “I did nothing wrong.”

She looked taken aback and embarrassed her son was talking back to her in front of her sisters. Her eyes narrowed into slits, as her gaze was still trained on an apathetic Eddie.

“You got really mouthy after high school,” she hissed. “Whatever happened to ‘Yes, mommy. Whatever you say, Mommy’?”

A long sigh escaped from Eddie’s lips. He really didn’t want to do this right now in front of Richie. Arguing with his mom wasn’t a new concept to him, so he grew tired of it quickly. It wasn’t exhilarating as it was when he was rebelling against his mother’s word. It was simply plain exhausting because Sonia Kaspbrak was the most stubborn person on the planet.

“Please just let me eat my dinner,” he snapped at her, refusing to look at anybody at the table, including Richie.

After showing plenty of disdain on her face, Mrs. Kaspbrak decided to let it go for now and return her attention to her sisters.

***************************

When dishes were done, Eddie stormed upstairs with a meek and unusually quiet Richie following behind. The door closed behind them with a slam, as Eddie flopped face first into the bed and screamed into a pillow. Worriedly, Richie sat down next to him on the bed, rubbing between his shoulder blades.

Eddie’s turned his head to face Richie, tightly clutching the pillow in both hands while small tears formed in his eyes. As soon as he noticed them, he hurriedly wiped them away, hoping Richie wouldn’t see.

“I’m so fucking sorry you had to see that,” Eddie groans, feeling his face heat up in embarrassment. “I’m sorry she called you a loser.”

Richie just shrugged it off, lying down next to Eddie so they were facing each other. “Nothing I haven’t been called before.”

“But that doesn’t make it ok,” Eddie whispered, feeling his energy slipping from him.

“No, it doesn’t,” Richie replies, “but I can take it with a grain of salt because I get the feeling your mom is an unreasonably petty and vindictive person.”

“Yeah,” Eddie rasped, “she is.”

“Do you want to talk about it?”

Richie can see the cogs in Eddie’s head turning as he considers his entire relationship with his mother. His face quickly pulls into a grimace, and he chokes out a silent sob, feeling those tears coming back up.

“She always does that,” Eddie said solemnly in between sobs. “She always tries to make me feel guilty, so I’ll do what she wants. Ever since I was a kid, she has been playing mind games with me, and I thought I grew out of being so susceptible to her bullshit, but it still hurts. It hurts to feel like I have no control because of my mother.”

The other man wrapped his arms around Eddie, holding him as he cried. For once, Richie was unsure of what to say. He just knew he didn’t want to let Eddie go because he felt like if he did, he’d be relinquishing him to Sonia.

Eddie sniffled and pulled himself together, wiping away the tears with his sleeve. Though he didn’t want to, he pulled away from Richie’s hold. He looked his boyfriend in the eye, and Richie hated the sad glimmer in those big brown eyes.

“If you want to break up with me, I’ll understand,” Eddie said meekly.

After waiting what felt like a century, Richie just looked at Eddie like he said “2+2=5.”

“Are you stupid?” Richie laughed. “I wouldn’t leave you even if your mom beat me with a frying pan. We’re in this together. Sadly, you’re stuck with me, Kaspbrak.”

In response, Eddie’s eyes lit up immediately and he giggled, throwing himself into Richie’s arms.

This time, Richie wasn’t going to let go for the entire world.

taglist: 

@asteroidbill, @ttrxshmouth, @lukemybieber, @neutral-gal, @lolrichie, @omgboiledcabbages, @breakmyreddieheart

[coffeepainkillers]

Okay liiisten, i know this is an art blog and all but... writing is a form of art right?? The art of writing?? Well whatever I've just had this Prompto fanfiction on my phone from the time me and my friend compared writing styles so here!! Have it!! Have this angsty-ish fluff! Enjooooyyy 

 Icy blue eyes Strawberry blond hair Shining white teeth A slim body with muscles And a charming smile.

The medias view on beauty forced upon the new generation. Prompto fit their description almost perfectly; still happiness never seemed to fill his heart when he thought of his appearance. When he thought of his appearance he felt sick to his stomach most of the time. He was proud of how far he had gotten but something still bothered him. The weird pigment in his skin. The dots decorating his cheeks and shoulders, similar to the stars lighting up the night sky but thats not how he saw the spots dirtying his skin. They just looked like something that should be washed off with a wet cloth in his eyes.

 Blue eyes meeting blue eyes. Sweet smiles returned by the cold surface reflecting them. Prompto was sitting in front of his mirror while putting on his most charming smile, his hands awkwardly covering his cheeks in an attempt to see how he looked without his freckles. He didn't see squat shit with his hands over his cheeks like that. As he let a small frown crawl onto his face he also made his signature pout following it before he leaned in close to the mirror, staring at the weird pigmented spots on his skin in displeasure. "Why did I have to be born like... this..." he mumbled to himself and maybe the mirror in front of him too, maybe the reflection would suddenly change and show that he didn't have freckles if he was nice to it. His stomach turned upside down as he stared at his freckles, then his whole face and then his whole body, the freckles on his shoulders peeking out from under his shirt. Trying to lighten his heart a little he started to comically poke and pinch his cheeks, pulling on the skin and making faces to try and rid himself of the dreadful feeling coursing through his body.

 His weird faces and nips stopped abruptly though as there was a knock on his door. Since he wasn't expecting anyone he was quite surprised by the sudden noise, even jumping slightly and quickly turning towards said door. He waited for a few second to see if it had just been someone visiting his neighbors but when he again hears three firm knocks again and he realizes that it must be for him. He takes a last glance in the mirror to give it a pained smile before he actually got up from the floor. "I'm coming, I'm coming!" He half yelled to the person on the other side, jogging over to unlock the door and opening it. He didn't bother peeking through the peephole and instead just opened the door with a plastered on smile. "Wassup, Sunshine~!" Your face lit up as you saw Prompto opening the door, his fake smile quickly turning into a real one once he sees it's you. Before he can even greet you back you hold out your arms, indicating that you're waiting for a much wanted hug which you received with no hesitation. He pulled you to his chest and wrapped his arms around your neck since he was a little taller. The hug felt awkward and your face was pushed into his chest but you wouldn't want it any other way. "H-hey [name], I didn't expect you to visit today..!" He had loosened his hug to lean back at stare at your face in surprise, good or bad surprise you didn't know honestly. "Yeah I know but I was around and I misssseeeed youuu~ So... I bought some snacks and hoped we could play some video games tonight!" You managed to break away from his hug to show him the plastic bag filled with snacks just bought from the store down the street. Prompto stared at them and he tried to grin like he would normally but something stopped him and the only smile he could managed looked more sad then anything. It was easy to notice his unnatural silence since it was rare that he actually managed to stay quiet for more then two minutes and now it seemed like he could just sit and stare into space for hours. When he didn't say anything you got concerned but shrugged it off as maybe him being tired or something. "But I mean if you're not feeling up to it I can just head home and come back tomorrow if you want!" You tried to make sure your voice sounded cheerful and happy so he wouldn't feel bad if he turned your down but instead he just looked at you with wide eyes before quickly shaking his head, his blonde hair shaking left and right with his motions and getting in his face. "N-no! Please, come on in! Let's get some games ready and eat those snacks, we wouldn't want to waste them right?" He gave you a smile and even though it wasn't as genuine as usual it was enough to convince you that you were wanted so as he stepped to the side you walked in. "What do you wanna play tonight? Got anything in mind?" Prompto closed the door behind you and tried to make small talk as to not make any awkward silences. "We still got that co-op game we rage quitted last time..." he walked towards his kitchen to get some bowls for the snacks and even though he raised his voice for you to hear him it still lacked that usual cheeriness and it sounded like he was talking to stranger or a mutual. "Ooooh yeah that one! We still got that boss to kill, right? I really think we can do it this time!" You had already taken off your shoes and jacket before sitting down on his familiar couch, placing the bag of snacks besides you on the ground. It didn't take long before Prompto was back with bowls of varying sizes to pour the snacks into and that was done quickly as well. "Then let's do that." Again... such a normal answer. It didn't fit him and you weren't sure what to do. You didn't reply to him but instead pulled your knees up to your chest and wrapped your arms around your legs, intently staring at your boyfriend. He felt slightly uncomfortable under your stare so he didn't do much but shift in his seat. 

"Prompto... you're not acting like yourself... what's wrong?" As your words reached his ears he froze. He tensed up and felt a knot form in his throat when you asked him what was wrong because he got caught in his fake happiness and he didn't know how to react. Should he be happy that you care so much about his well being or sad that he couldnt even keep you from worrying about someone like him. He didn't look at you and instead just looked down on the floor by his feet, mentally discussing with himself if he should ask you what you thought of his appearance or not. He weighed the cons and pros carefully.. well he wished he had, instead his mouth talked quicker then his mind could keep up with and suddenly he blurted out something not even he was prepared to ask. "[Name], what do you think of freckles?" You were surprised by his question; why would someone ask something like that? What did you think of... freckles? It was such a... weird question but he seemed so nervous asking about it and yet you didn't know what to say. "What do you mean?" You had to know what he meant before you could answer. "W-well would you prefer me with or without them?" He quickly looked up at you finally, his hair getting slightly disheveled from the sudden movement and a few strands landed in his face. His jaw was clenched, already regretting that he even asked such a stupid question and the knot in his throat was almost suffocating. Tears started welling up in his eyes as well but he desperately tried to hold them back at instead his vision became blurry from them. At this sight you almost panicked, why did such a small thing upset him so much? Why wouldn't you want a Prompto with freckles? You tried your best to sputter out something to comfort him, something along the lines of "Of course I'd want you with freckles, I love everything about you" but before you could even get the first word out of your mouth Prompto was already using the back of his hands to try and dry the tears as he shied away from you in embarrassment. "N-never mind! Never mind.. t-that was a really stupid question, sorry I shouldn't have asked.. that was... really stupid.. j-just forget it! Uh games right? Uh co-op and that boss yeah?" He desperately tried to smile again as he looked back at you but tears kept welling up and spilling from his eyes no matter how many times he tried to wipe them away with his hands. It was so heartbreaking watching him like that and your quickly scooted over to him, gathering yourself from the initial shock and confusion as you cupped his face with your hands. He tried to avoid eye contact by looking off to the side to the TV, his lips forming to a tight line as his chin twitches as he tried not to cry. "Prompto... Prompto look at me... look... I love you, okay? That's why I'm with you. And you are so beautiful and handsome and it's literally heartbreaking to know that you don't see that. I know I can't make you see yourself like I see you just like that but I will try my best to help you see just a portion of what I see. And about your freckles; of course I'd want you with freckles. They don't change who you are and I would have loved you even without freckles but darn it if I don't love them." You could see the corner of his lips twitch up as you said "darn it" and the tears had finally stopped forming. His eyes had during your talking actually moved to look you in the eyes as you spoke and even if he felt scared doing that he still trusted you enough to comply. You yourself was smiling slightly and you leaned your forehead against his as you closed your eyes. He couldn't; he was too mesmerized by you and your dedication to make him see what you saw, it truly filled his heart with happiness. "So please Prompto, don't think for a second that you are not beautiful... not just because I'll be sad but because you deserve to feel confident in yourself. And I swear to six that I will kiss every freckle you got until you know exactly how much I love you AND your freckles!" Your opened your eyes again to give him a playful grin and he couldn't help but laugh at your promise. His finger which had in the beginning been digging crescent markings into his palms were now idly fiddling with the end of his shirt as he smiled at you, almost unable to contain how happy your words had made him and even in the dark room, only lit by the TV screen still on in the background, you could see that he didn't quite believe that you would do it even though he appreciated the comment. "What? You don't believe me? Oh, I'll show you!" Your hands moved from his cheeks to the sides of his head as you held it firmly while starting to pepper the boys cheeks and temples with short kisses, blowing up your cheeks to make the kisses even sillier. "H-hey [Name]! S-stop thaaat! Y-you can't possibly kiss them all!" "I can't? Is that a challenge, Argentum?" Prompto was finally laughing out loud, playfully nudging you to stop though his attempts were barely even half hearted. You loved hearing his laugh again, especially after hearing his dull voice before and it felt like this was the sixes last gift to mankind. Your silly kiss attack went on until you were both out of breath and Prompto had his arms firmly wrapped around your waist, carefully holding your against his chest as he tried to regain his breathing. "Do you think i kissed them all now?" You teased him, poking his nose with a cheeky grin. "Well all on my face at least!" He laughed back, lovingly just bonking his head against yours as his hands were occupied. "Aaah I'll kiss the rest of them..." you took a pause for a dramatic effect and of course it worked on the cutie listening to you as he looked like he was hooked on every word you said, intently waiting for the answer. "After we beat that boss!" You grinned at your decision, managing to slip away from his grip as he sat up properly, exclaiming his dissatisfaction with a loud groan. "Hah, groan all you want, it won't help us beat this boss though~!" "I know, I knooow... let's just get this over with! Ah.... by the way [Name].... thank you.."

[christenpressing]

anywayays i’m bored so imma do this

1. Would you have sex with the last person you text messaged?- god yes

2. You talked to an ex today, correct?- there’s a 99.9% chance i’ll never speak to her again

3. Have you taken someones virginity?- virtually

4. Is trust a big issue for you?- i’m either way too trusting or not trusting at all it’s a problem

5. Did you hang out with the person you like recently?- i guess?

6. What are you excited for?- nationals in july and visiting my gf in august

7. What happened tonight?- it’s 2:30 in the afternoon, but last night i saw wonder woman and almost died on the spot

8. Do you think it’s disgusting when girls get really wasted?- it’s not desirable but im not gonna judge

9. Is confidence cute?- i don’t associate confidence with cuteness but it’s amazing i love it

10. What is the last beverage you had?- apple juice

11. How many people of the opposite sex do you fully trust?- two, my dad and @selkatha 

12. Do you own a pair of skinny jeans?- a few

13. What are you gonna do Saturday night?- maybe have a sleepover with one of my friends but idk

14. What are you going to spend money on next?- wonder woman comics

15. Are you going out with the last person you kissed?- ew no

16. Do you think you’ll change in the next 3 months?- actually, yes

17. Who do you feel most comfortable talking to about anything?- @vanillabeanniall or @kellexohara

18. The last time you felt broken?- i have no idea

19. Have you had sex today?- no

20. Are you starting to realize anything?- my mind sucks a lot sometimes

21. Are you in a good mood?- for the most part

22. Would you ever want to swim with sharks?- if they’re nice ones

23. Are your eyes the same color as your dad’s?- indeed

24. What do you want right this second?- my best friend to come back home

25. What would you say if the person you love/like kissed another girl/boy?- i would scream at her and break up with her right then and there

26. Is your current hair color your natural hair color?- yes, and i love it cause it had natural highlights and i think thats pretty cool

27. Would you be able to date someone who doesn’t make you laugh?- i mean, probably not?

28. What was the last thing that made you laugh?- i laugh a lot i dont really know

29. Do you really, truly miss someone right now?- my best friendddd 

30. Does everyone deserve a second chance?- not everyone

31. Honestly, do you hate the last boy you were talking to?- it was my dad and i love him dearly

32. Does the person you have feelings for right now, know you do?- i sure hope so

33. Are you one of those people who never drinks soda?- lmao i only like sprite

34. Listening to?- the sound of my dad watching rogue one in the living room

35. Do you ever write in pencil anymore?- every now and then, but i really only use pen

36. Do you know where the last person you kissed is?- maybe at home? who knows nowadays

37. Do you believe in love at first sight?- not really

38. Who did you last call?- my girlfriend

39. Who was the last person you danced with?- my dad

40. Why did you kiss the last person you kissed?- because we were dating and i liked her

41. When was the last time you ate a cupcake?- at the end of horse camp last weekend

42. Did you hug/kiss one of your parents today?- i actually just hugged my dad like thirty minutes ago

43. Ever embarrass yourself in front of a crush?- i don’t think so?

44. Do you tan in the nude?- i literally only have a farmers tan it’s kinda embarrassing

45. If you could, would you take back your last kiss?- probably

46. Did you talk to someone until you fell asleep last night?- yesssss :)

47. Who was the last person to call you? my girlfriend

48. Do you sing in the shower? rather loudly

49. Do you dance in the car? depends on the song

50. Ever used a bow and arrow? i did when i went to sleep-away summer camp

51. Last time you got a portrait taken by a photographer?- if i’m counting vasi it was in march

52. Do you think musicals are cheesy? not cheesy, but i dont like them very much

53. Is Christmas stressful?- noooo christmas is such a nice time of year

54. Ever eat a pierogi?- not that i know of

55. Favorite type of fruit pie?- cherry

56. Occupations you wanted to be when you were a kid?- equine vet, architect, author 

57. Do you believe in ghosts?- maybe? im not completely sure

58. Ever have a Deja-vu feeling?- all the time

59. Take a vitamin daily?- i’m supposed to be taking vitamin d BUT OH WELL

60. Wear slippers?- never

61. Wear a bath robe?- i have one but i rarely use it

62. What do you wear to bed?- a t-shirt and shorts/pants

63. First concert?- train

64. Wal-Mart, Target or Kmart?- T A R G E T

65. Nike or Adidas?- nike (sorry @kellexohara )

66. Cheetos Or Fritos?- fritos, unless they’re hot cheetos cause those are mighty fine 

67. Peanuts or Sunflower seeds?- peanuts are nasty

68. Favorite Taylor Swift song?- the best day

69. Ever take dance lessons?- nope

70. Is there a profession you picture your future spouse doing?- lawyer

71. Can you curl your tongue?- i actually can only make it into a W

72. Ever won a spelling bee?- i never had the chance to be(e) in one

73. Have you ever cried because you were so happy?- when i won nationals

74. What is your favorite book?- the storyteller by jodi picoult

75. Do you study better with or without music?- with music, but it can’t be songs i know well or else i get distracted

76. Regularly burn incense?- i prefer candles

77. Ever been in love?- yesss

78. Who would you like to see in concert?- my girl sabrina carpenter but she’s coming to my town when im gonna be at nationals im so disappointed

79. What was the last concert you saw?- it was the ariana grande one with vasi but we left after little mix performed

80. Hot tea or cold tea?- hot hot hot

81. Tea or coffee?- tea

82. Favorite type of cookie?- my mom’s chocolate chip ones or oatmeal raisin

83. Can you swim well?- i like to think so

84. Can you hold your breath without holding your nose?- yes

85. Are you patient?- god no it’s really an issue

86. DJ or band, at a wedding?- DJ

87. Ever won a contest?- unfortunately, no

88. Ever have plastic surgery?- i don’t think i ever will

89. Which are better black or green olives?-  neither they’re nasto

90. Opinions on sex before marriage?- go for it

91. Best room for a fireplace?- living room

92. Do you want to get married?- very much so

[funface2]

How Nikki Glaser Writes Roast Jokes – Vulture

Nikki Glaser. Photo-Illustration: Vulture and Photo by Getty Images

This interview originally ran in October 2018. We are rerunning it in anticipation of Nikki Glaser’s appearance on the Comedy Central Roast of Alec Baldwin.

Roast jokes are deceptive little things. They tend to be very short, very to the point. But they’re often weeks and weeks in the making. Beyond the writing staff tasked with amassing a pile of jokes to be divided among the celebrity members of a Comedy Central dais, every comedian involved is writing essentially nonstop, as well receiving a fairly constant stream of joke-ideas from comic friends. A comedian will then run the jokes over and over again at clubs around the city, as they would for any other TV set. So, when you see Nikki Glaser prove herself as one of the absolute best ever roasters on the Comedy Central Roast of Bruce Willis, you can be certain that every one of those jokes has been considered and reworked ad nauseam.

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Glaser’s set is the subject of this week’s episode of Good One, Vulture Comedy’s podcast about jokes and the people who write them. Listen to the episode and read a short excerpt of the discussion about a few of Glaser’s best jokes below. Tune in to Good One every Monday on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts.

Good One

A Podcast About Jokes

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[From the Roast of Rob Lowe, to Ann Coulter] “The only person you will ever make happy is the Mexican that digs your grave.”

I wanted to go hard on Ann Coulter. Amy [Schumer] was the one that was really like, “Hey, you have a chance here. Just say what everyone wants to. Just go hard on her. Go harder than you want to go.” I really took that to heart and was like, “I will, because what do I have to lose?” If I want to stand out, that’s a great way to stand out.

Then that joke was pitched to me by Mike Lawrence, who is a great roast joke writer and roaster. He’s won Roast Battle. It was pitched to me while I was in the makeup chair right before we were going on, because they were like, “Here’s some jokes no one’s doing that the writer’s room came up with.” Mike really believed in it and I trust Mike. And everyone in my trailer at the time was like, “Oh, my God, that joke.”

I didn’t like the joke because I didn’t like throwing Mexicans under the bus in a joke that is supposed to be like them saying “fuck you” to her. It didn’t need to be a Mexican. It could’ve just been the person who digs your grave and it would’ve still been a good joke. I get it, it’s like she hates Mexicans, so a Mexican might maybe [would] relish the fact that they get to dig her grave more, but it also is saying that Mexicans dig graves more than white people. I didn’t like that sentiment of it.

I kind of cringe every time it’s brought up as representative of me as a comedian, because I could’ve been called out for being racist in that joke that was supposed to be going against someone who is blatantly racist. It’s not my favorite joke, but I’m grateful for it. A lot of times as a celebrity or anyone who is in the spotlight, you get thrust into the spotlight for something that you were like, “I almost didn’t even say that,” or, “I regretted saying that at the time.” I’m grateful for it. It’s not like I don’t like the joke. I did it. I don’t want to insult Mike Lawrence, who wrote the joke, but it’s not my favorite joke. It’s just the meanest thing to say, and sometimes you need to say that to Ann Coulter. I just wish it didn’t throw Mexicans under the bus.

“Kevin Pollak is here. Such an amazing actor … I know Kevin as one of the greatest impressionists of all time. I’m a huge fan. My favorite of his is, umm … he does an amazing Robin Williams. I just wish you would finish it … Listen, all I’m saying is that we’ve lost a lot of greats to suicide recently, and it’s time we lose some okays.”

That was my favorite joke. Man, it had a longer ending, too, that I had to chop off. I was like, “No, but seriously, your loved ones will miss you. And ‘by your loved ones,’ I mean your assortment of hats.” I go, “Don’t leave a note. Just print off your IMDb page.” Like, it just went on and on. It was so mean.

Someone had written a joke that he’s an impressionist and he does a Robin Williams impression. They didn’t write [this] joke, but [theirs] had mentioned it. I was like, Oh, really? Then I was like, There’s my ticket to a suicide joke. When I wrote, “We’ve lost a lot of greats, but it’s time to lose some okays,” that was just one that I was like, That is one of my favorite jokes I’ve ever written. Just it’s so insane to tell someone to kill themselves. Twice. Really lean into it.

I wanted to acknowledge it. This is the thing. Anthony Bourdain had just killed himself. Kate Spade had just killed herself. It was in the zeitgeist. I was like, I know this is going to get a huge groan. I know people are going to be talking about it and saying how insensitive it is that I would say that. But I talk a lot about suicide in my act. I think a lot about suicide. I’m a depressed person. I have dark thoughts about it. I feel like if I don’t talk about it and if I don’t lean into it, then it’s winning. I want to acknowledge it more.

I was running this joke around town and I remember one time a girl in the front row was like, “Not cool.” I go, “Oh, have you lost someone to suicide?” She’s like, “Yeah.” I go, “So has everyone. Everyone!” I go, “The only person that can get offended by a joke about suicide is someone who committed suicide. And guess what? None of those people are here tonight, so shut up.” I have lost loved ones. I’ve struggled with suicidal thoughts. I really feel, like, more entitled to that joke than any joke. I probably should feel less entitled to it, to be honest, because it’s the meanest one.

I got a lot of backlash for it, but then I realized, I know that Robin Williams would think that’s funny. I just know. I had never met him, but I just know that he would think that’s funny, because it’s funny.

“I’m a huge fan and my mom is an even bigger fan. My mom has learned everything from Martha Stewart, including cooking, cleaning, and withholding affection.”

I didn’t even plan on doing that joke. That was not in the prompter, but I had been working on it all week. It just was one of the ones cut right before. Then she wasn’t that nice to me backstage right before we went on. Like I could just tell she was as cold as I thought she was. I had thought, Certainly she’s not as cold as I’m writing all these jokes out to be, and then she was, and I was like, I’ve got to do that joke, because there is so much truth in that joke on every level, and I just witnessed it backstage.

I was scared to even look at Cybill Shepherd after I got offstage, but she came up to me and gave me the biggest hug and was like, “You were amazing.” I was just like looking at Martha like, Where’s my love, Martha? She didn’t even say “good job” — that old bitch.

“I’m just not a big fan of action movies. I don’t know. I’ve never seen one of your films … consensually. Like it’s always something a guy puts on when he’s trying to finger me on his roommate’s couch. Maybe I didn’t understand The Fifth Element. And it isn’t because I’m a dumb girl. But it’s hard to follow that plot when you’re fighting off a roofie and there’s a knuckle inside you.”

I wanted to write to women who have been fingered on a couch to his movies. That joke was really written about The Usual Suspects. At first, it started out as a joke about all the men — Kevin Pollak is in Usual Suspects; Edward Norton, Fight Club; Bruce Willis, The Fifth Element. These are all movies that I watched because I was about to hook up with a guy. I was like, There’s something there.

The more I talked to women, I’m like, “Yeah, this is a thing. It’s a movie the guy puts on.” I wanted to say that I’ve gotten fingered to these movies: “I just watch the screen dead-eyed as I’m being fingered.” Like I’ve watched scenes and not known what’s happening because I’m trying to deal with what’s maybe happening to me.

The thing is, the sex act is consensual. Those are all consensual, but the movies themselves always felt like, I don’t want to watch this, but okay. So, it felt of-the-times to say that. It felt true. Like I didn’t want to watch those movies, and I had to, and I still don’t want to watch them. They’re still movies I see all the time, for men.

That just was one of those jokes. I literally wrote “I’ve never seen one of your movies consensually,” as that was me getting to a point, but that just got a laugh out of nowhere. I was like, Oh, is that funny? I didn’t even know. Sometimes you write a joke as a comedian and you go, Why is that funny? It’s just truth.

This interview has been edited and condensed.

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