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thevegandarkelf · 1 month ago

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Finding Myself, Finding You: Chapter Twenty-Eight

Masterlist

AO3 link

Let me know if you want to be added to the taglist <3 (18+ only, MDNI)

Story is 18+ for mature content/themes, minors do not interact please

TW/CWs for this story--implied/referenced past rape, canonical violence, non-canonical violence, blood, gore, referenced past suicide, swearing, surgery, excessive drinking, nightmares, panic attacks, mention of scars, vomiting, amputation, medical procedures, non-con medical procedures, referenced past medical torture, referenced past drugging, attempted sexual assault, panic attacks, mental health struggles, referenced sibling death, referenced parent death, PTSD

Each chapter will have its own TW/CWs listed

This story, Lydia Vector, her family, her bestie & Jake (c) me, TheVeganDarkElf

TWD & its characters (c) AMC & Robert Kirkman, the writer of the comic series

TW/CWs for this chapter--swearing, memory loss around a traumatic event, vomiting, mention of nightmares, detailed discussion of a panic attack, PTSD, victim blaming oneself

Word count: 3.3k

We stayed like that for some time, leaned up against the wall, me wrapped up in his arms as I continued sobbing. Each time I thought I would run out of tears, they kept coming. Daryl didn't even so much as flinch every time I heaved or sobbed. He kept me close to his warm body, occasionally offering words of reassurance, reminding me that I was safe and he was there. Eventually, I picked my head up and looked out the window. It was pitch black outside now.

"Christ, how long have we been in here?"

"Don't matter. We can stay here as long as ya need," Daryl assured. I rubbed my temples in an attempt to soothe the pounding in my skull.

"This is why the whole thing with Jake was extra scary," I elaborated, "I was back in the same situation. Had that same gut feeling that I ignored & something bad happened. I don't know what I did to deserve this."

"Nothin'," he replied, hardly missing a beat after I finished speaking. He sighed. "I ain't gonna pretend to know how ya feel right now. I can't imagine that. But I know that feelin'...somethin' bad happens, and ya think ya deserve it somehow, that it's your fault, but it ain't. I'm sorry ya have to feel that."

"Thanks," I said, rubbing my eyes and taking a shaky breath, "one of the scariest parts is just how much I don't know about what happened. I don't know how long I was out for, I have no memory of how I got out...how many times he did it..." My mind began to wander down a much darker path. "If there were other people...oh god, I might throw up." I used Daryl's knees to steady myself as my head spun. My stomach was doing backflips, and not the fun kind. "Yeah, I'm gonna throw up."

I shifted myself forward a bit to give myself room to stand. Every muscle in my body was screaming as I moved onto my knees and tried to gain my footing. I was aching from head to toe. Daryl was on his feet in seconds, taking me by the arms and helping me slowly stand up. I practically dove for the sink once it was within reach. Thankfully, I was able to scoop my glasses out, which I had forgotten fell in earlier, before I started puking.

It'd been a long time since I last ate, so there wasn't a whole lot that could come out. Even when it felt like my stomach had been emptied of all of its acid, my body was still heaving, desperate to rid me of the feeling of nausea that never subsided. Daryl was a sweetie and held my hair back, just like he did after my night of binge drinking. After several rounds of spitting in the sink in a futile attempt to get the taste off my tongue, I looked up at myself in the mirror for the first time. I looked just how I predicted. My hair was a mess, my eyes looked like I'd spent the last several hours smoking weed, my eyelids were swollen, and my face was puffy.

"Christ, I look like hell," I groaned. Daryl draped my hair over one of my shoulders before resting his chin on the other, making eye contact with me in the mirror.

"Still the prettiest face I ever seen," he commented. My cheeks turned as red as my bloodshot eyes. "How ya feelin'?"

"Honestly, I feel like I could keep puking, but I don't think there's anything left," I said, rubbing my eyes with my fists, "god, I feel like I got hit by a bus."

He gave me a kiss on the cheek. "Anythin' that'll help? Jus’ say the word, I'll make it happen." I gave a half-smile in the mirror and let out a snort-chuckle.

"A lobotomy."

"Anythin' that won't hurt ya?" The look on his face told me that he didn't think my joke was funny.

"I don't know," I sighed. I turned and propped myself onto one of the exam tables, crossing my legs. "Truthfully, all I want is to go back in time. I just...I wish I hadn't said anything." I looked down at my hands in my lap and twirled my thumbs around each other. "Not because I don't trust you. It's not that, not at all. I trust you with my life. It's just that I...I..." I was lightly hyperventilating.

I couldn't utter the thoughts that were swirling through my brain. I couldn't say I felt broken, like a dysfunctional toy that would never work again. I couldn't say that I was concerned about when our relationship reached that level of physical intimacy that I might not be able to partake. I couldn't say that I was scared I wouldn't be able to do that for him. We hadn't even kissed yet, and I was worrying about things far past that.

"Hey," Daryl said, stepping over to me and resting his hands on my shoulders. He ran his hands gently up and down my arms from my shoulders to my elbows, stopping periodically to offer small squeezes, which he knew I loved. "It's ok. I know it wasn't easy. Thanks for sharin' with me. Feels good to know ya trust me that much." I looked up at him, making eye contact for the first time, not in the reflection of the mirror, in the hours we'd been in there.

"Of course I do," I reiterated, "wouldn't have told you if I didn't." He brushed my bangs out of my eyes, running his hand through my hair as he did. It sent tingles down my spine.

"Ya got beautiful eyes," he practically cooed, "I ever tell ya that 'fore?"

"I don't think so, no. But thank you," I gushed, blushing heavily and dropping my gaze back to my hands in my lap.

"Well shit, sorry it took so long. But ya do. Bit red right now, but beautiful."

"A bit red? I look high as a kite."

"Don't take away from how beautiful they are," he complimented, running the hand that was in my hair down the back of my neck, "no rush of course, but I can make ya tea. Ain't sayin' it's a cure-all, but I know it makes ya feel better."

On a run a few weeks back, I'd found a box of lavender chamomile tea. I claimed it for myself, thinking it might help me be able to get some sleep. It didn't, but it became something I'd make for myself after a particularly shitty day or when I wasn't feeling well, and it usually put me in a better mood, even if just a little bit. On the nights Daryl was gone, I'd make it after I woke up from my nightmares as I tried to soothe myself back to sleep.

"I'd love to, but..." my voice trailed off as I thought about being perceived by the community the second I walked out. "Just leave me here. I'll sleep on the floor. I don't want anyone to see me."

"What kinda man would I be if I let m—" he quickly cut himself off, "—a woman like you sleep on a concrete floor or metal table? Let's get ya home. Carry ya if I gotta." As curious as I was, I didn't have the energy to ask what "a woman like me" meant.

"You're sweet to offer," I said, "I think I can walk. I'm worried enough about what people will think when I walk out. I wanna try to appear as confident as possible."

"Hell what any of 'em think," Daryl scoffed. He ran both of his hands through my hair, his nails gently grazing my scalp as he moved my hair around to flatten it out. I closed my eyes and smiled, and I think I let out a soft humming sound. It was so blissful, I wasn't paying attention.

The short walk from the infirmary to our front door seemed to go on for miles. For how late I figured it was, I was surprised by how many people were still outside, sitting on their porches or walking on the path. A lot of them had been out earlier and saw the scene from that afternoon, with me storming off out of the basement and locking myself in the infirmary. I had the chilling feeling of being watched as we walked. I kept my eyes on the ground to avoid catching the stares of everyone around me. I crossed my arms over my chest, trying to cover myself despite being fully clothed. I felt so exposed, so small, like they all knew. Like it was written all over my skin. Fuck what I said about trying to be confident, I guess.

"I feel like everyone is staring at me," I whispered. I don't know what Daryl did, whether that was give them a look, mouth something, do something with his hands, etc., but I went from having the feeling of all eyes on me to not having any at all.

"Now they ain't."

Once inside, I kicked my boots off. As we were going upstairs, there was a knock at the door. I couldn't tell who it was, but I could see what looked like a male figure in the textured glass window next to the door. I wasn't sure who'd be coming here so late. I figured it had to be some of our friends.

"I got it," Daryl said, heading for the front door before I could even react.

"Fuck, my head," I sighed, taking a seat at the top of the stairs and holding my head in my hands. Daryl said something to whoever was at the door before coming back to me.

"It's Aaron 'n Maggie. They wanna check on ya," he informed.

"Shit," I groaned, running my hands through my hair. I certainly wasn't in the mood to see anyone, even Aaron or Maggie, both of whom I'd become incredibly close with.

"Hey." He squatted down on one of the steps below me so we were at eye level and placed a reassuring hand on my knee. "Go take care of yourself. I'll talk to 'em." I nodded and took myself to my room to grab my favorite pjs—the matching red flannel set—and tied my hair back, which I always did when I wasn't washing it.

Deciding whether or not to shower felt like a losing battle. If I didn't, I would feel gross and dirty from being out in the sun & heat all day, sweating buckets. If I did, I would feel gross and dirty for having to look at myself, to touch my body to clean myself, and a panic attack would ensue. It felt like I couldn't win. Should I just get changed, go to sleep all sweaty and covered in dirt? Or should I try to get clean and deal with the aftermath of a panic attack? I was already in enough emotional turmoil. I figured I could handle a little more.

I almost wished I'd just gone to bed dirty.

The panic attack that followed was nearly debilitating. At first, I thought I was going into cardiac arrest. I sat on the floor of the tub, as I always did, and was barely able to get myself clean before I was frozen in a little ball. I thought I'd run out of tears by that point, but my body continued to surprise me. I was hyperventilating so hard, I was certain I'd pass out. I sobbed into my knees, trying to keep myself as quiet as possible so Daryl wouldn't hear me.

He knows now, I thought, there's no running. You can't hide from it anymore.

I knew Daryl was telling the truth when he said there was nothing I needed to be embarrassed about in front of him or that he didn't think of me any differently. He meant what he said, and he wasn't afraid to look you in the eye when he said it. He wasn't a liar. Even little white lies seemed impossible for the man. Honesty was one of his top qualities. But I couldn't shake the feeling that he secretly had different thoughts and opinions. That maybe he did think I was gross, nasty, repulsive for what happened. Color me paranoid.

My panic attacks seemed to last hours, but in reality, they were only around 10 minutes. Those 10 minutes, though, were the longest, most excruciating 10 minutes of my life. It felt like my body was going to give up on me, like my heart would stop or my lungs would give out, at any moment. It felt like the ceiling was caving in on me and the floor was going to swallow me whole at the same time. Coming back to reality was always a surreal experience. I'd feel around on the floor of the tub or the tile of the wall to ground myself, and I'd sit in the water for a minute to allow my senses to take in my surroundings. Shortly after that, I was able to pull myself up and out, quickly wrapping myself in a towel so I wouldn't have to look at my body in the mirror.

After I got into my pjs, I examined my face in the mirror. My eyes were still bloodshot and swollen, but at least my hair was no longer a mess, and the puffiness in my face had gone down a little. I left my glasses in the bathroom, thinking I likely wouldn't need them until tomorrow. Daryl was in the kitchen, standing over a pot of water on the stove, making the tea he had promised me. I could smell it all throughout the house, the floral notes of lavender and chamomile gracing my sinuses and bringing a smile, albeit a small and brief one, to my face. It broke through my feelings, even if just for a moment.

"How ya feelin'?" Daryl asked, turning to me as I made it to the bottom of the steps and joined him in the kitchen.

"Honestly? More ashamed than anything," I said. Daryl scooped me up in his arms for a hug, holding me as close to him as possible as he snaked his arms around me. One around my waist, the other across my back, his hand resting on the back of my neck. I buried my face in the crook of his neck.

"Told ya, don't got nothin' to be ashamed of. Not in front of me," he reassured. He was nearly bringing me to tears again. He was such a safe, warm energy to be wrapped up in, and he had the most comforting words to accompany that.

"Daryl, I'm really sorry. I still feel bad for blowing up on you," I said, "I shouldn't have bottled it all like that. I should've done something to prevent myself from exploding."

"Ya don't gotta keep apologizin'. Just wish there was more I could do. Hate seein' ya hurtin' like this. It's a good thing ya said the bastard'd be dead by now. Hafta hunt him down and kill 'em myself if he wasn't."

The sound of boiling water caught my attention, likely signaling that the tea was ready. Daryl tapped on the back of my neck to get me to lift my head and meet his gaze. He kissed the tip of my nose, awakening the butterflies in my stomach and sending electrical pulses throughout my body. "Go sit and rest. I'll get it for ya."

I took a seat on the couch, and I noticed my notebook had been placed on the coffee table. Resting on top of it was a flattened, dried daisy. I ran a finger over the stem, tracing it from top to bottom, taking in its beauty. The white petals were curling ever so slightly around the edges, and the typically bright yellow center had turned darker and more golden in color.

"What's this?" I asked, taking the fragile little flower in my hand. Daryl placed the tea on the coffee table next to my notebook. He'd chosen my favorite mug—the white one with daisies on it—to use.

"Pressed it for ya. Carol showed me. Took a few weeks, but it's finally done," he explained, taking a seat next to me. I thought my chest was going to burst open from the love swelling in it. Making me tea, using my favorite mug, gifting me a pressed flower...if I wasn't already in love with him, I certainly was now.

"Aww, Daryl," I gushed, leaning over to give him a kiss on the cheek. His skin started to get warm under my lips. "Thank you, I love it." I flipped my notebook to the back and placed the flower in with my pictures and notes. Happy tears threatened to break free from the corners of my eyes.

"Glad ya like it," he replied, moving closer to me until our legs were touching. He wrapped his arm around my lower back, resting his hand on my hip.

I picked up the mug and blew on the steam coming off the top. The little tea bag bobbed up and down in the cup, bouncing around the perimeter. I took a tiny sip, enough to taste it but not enough to burn my tongue. The sweet floral notes graced my tastebuds, filing me with a sense of calm and comfort and warming me from the inside. It tasted better when Daryl made it. It tasted like it was made with love.

"It's really good. Thank you for doing this," I smiled, taking another tiny sip before setting the mug down to allow it to cool further. Rather than saying "you're welcome," Daryl kissed the side of my face, letting his lips linger there for a moment before pulling away. The butterflies in my stomach were not just fluttering around now—they were dancing with joy.

"Can I ask ya another question? This why ya blacked out a couple weeks ago?"

"Yeah," I said, clearing my throat, "yeah it is. I...I've had these feelings creeping up on me for weeks now. I couldn't handle them anymore. I mean, I got what I wanted, I numbed my feelings. But I felt like such shit after that I don't think I can bring myself to do that again."

"Probably a good thing," Daryl responded, "by the way, told Aaron 'n Maggie you'd talk to 'em tomorrow. They just wanted to make sure ya's alright."

"Can I ask what you told them?"

"Didn't share nothin' 'bout what ya said," he reassured. That wasn't a concern, as I knew Daryl was a fantastic secret-keeper and would never air someone's trauma like that, but it was still nice to be reassured. "Just told 'em ya's havin' a bad day and ya'd talk to 'em tomorrow. Let 'em know I'd make sure ya'd be ok tonight."

"Thank you for doing that. And thank you, Daryl, for everything. You've been so good to me." I paused to lean over and give him another kiss on the cheek. He was already leaning his face toward me when I did it, like he knew I was going to do it and was anticipating it. And was excited for it. "I can't thank you enough for everything you've done. Tonight in particular, but not just tonight."

"Anythin' for you, Lydia," he said. My stomach dropped upon hearing him call me by my name, and based on his face, he immediately realized his mistake. He looked like he had just insulted me & was feeling terrible about it. "Shit, sorry. Slipped out." I knew it was just a slip of the tongue, but I wasn't ready to be called Lydia again. I didn't know if I ever would be. I let out an exasperated sigh.

"Daryl, my sweet, I need to ask you a favor."

"Anythin'."

"Don't ever call me Lydia."

"Yes ma'am."

Taglist: @raddydaddydude @lovenormandixon @angeldemoncrowley

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amethystina · 10 months ago

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Oh man!! The latest chapter!!! The angst was angsting, pain was paining, heart is wrenching, tear is falling, it was soooo mean, but do it again!!!

It was the longest chapter and ironically the most painful chapter as well. Have I said how much I love slow burn and angst and this fic hits home everytime?? Likeee woah I just LOVE how this fic is LOOONG , nowhere near close bc that means I get me read it longer lol.

And I feel like I would never be able to appreciate how much hard work you put in Who Holds the Devil.

I am guessing it is now Ga On's turn to pursue Yohan and Oh man I can already imagine how much he is gonna suffer while doing it 😭 or maybe not (bc he tends to be pretty straightforward at times and impulsive as well) but I believe it's gonna be pretty hard bc Gaon has so much shit to get together and Yohan, my man, already gave up (poor him) so gaon trying to persue him or rather seduce his sugar daddy would look very suspicious to him. Nevertheless I am exited to see Gaon try and miserably, comically and hilariously half fail bc he will succeed eventually as Yohan is too much of a loser for Gaon lol. I am excited for future chapters and definitely wouldn't complain about more angst lol.

It was necessary for this to happen, otherwise the story would go nowhere and most importantly Gaon and Yohan would go nowhere, their problems will never be solved. Sometimes hitting rock bottom is crucial to develop in life BUT I would hate it if it happens to me, hope I will be able to get my shits together before that happens ( or maybe it already happened but I am not relizing it or not acknowledging it much like gaon but he is better than me ngl at least he has the courage)

This became a rant about me naur 😭

Lastly I hope you have a great day and things work out for you 💕

Also idk if it's your cup of tea but My Happy Ending kdrama is sooo good and worth giving it a try. It's a psychological suspense drama hehe. I am soo invested in it nowadays so couldn't help recommending you as well 💫

It was a painful chapter, yeah. And I'm both relieved and heartbroken to finally have it out there. As someone who doesn't actually like angst, this chapter was a struggle in more than one way. But it's necessary if I want their relationship to move forward, so here we are.

At this point, writing Who Holds the Devil has sort of turned into a second job, not going to lie. I still enjoy it, make no mistake, but I have to plan all of my other hobbies around it since I feel an obligation to post somewhat regularly. Like, I've been postponing drawing for the past two weeks because I wanted to get this chapter out (that's how long it took to edit, yes) but drawing is the thing that helps the most with my depression symptoms (that have made an unwanted reappearance due to my burnout), so I've been struggling quite a bit. And now all I want to do is draw for a couple of days.

So yeah. I can't lie and say it's not a lot of work, both in terms of planning, writing, editing, etc., but also how it affects the rest of my life. BUT I just love it too much to give up on it ;)

And yes, Ga On will have to be the one to pursue Yo Han now ;) Or, well, eventually. He has to wallow and overthink things a bit first because, well, Ga On. If overthinking things was an Olympic sport, he'd win the gold for sure. But he WILL give Yo Han what he wants in the end, I promise.

In short, the "the only way after hitting rock bottom is up" saying is pretty apt in this case.

There's still hope, so just hang in there :)

I looked at the plot for My Happy Ending but I admit it didn't really catch my attention. But that could be because I don't really watch much right now? I'm too busy writing and drawing. I'm also trying to finish a drama I started ages ago called Mad Dog. Which, let me tell you, it's disorientingly gay for a drama about insurance fraud. But unlike The Devil Judge I'm not sure if they're actually AWARE of how gay it is? (especially since it's from 2017)

But, like, if I had a penny for every time I've watched a drama in which a traumatised, older man brings home a reckless, bratty twink after said twink got injured — under the pretence of protecting him from more harm — only for the twink to start snooping around his house before deciding to charm the dude with home-cooked food and then just doesn't leave I would have two pennies. Which isn't a lot, but it's still weird that it's happened twice.

Also, what the heck do they want me to think when they have these kinds of angles when the two dudes are arguing?

That looks questionable both in and out of context. BUT that could also be because Woo Do Hwan could have sexual tension with a goddamn rock. Rarely have I seen a man with so much "fuck me and find out" energy as his character in this drama.

But the twink also has a romantic plotline with the woman on the team, at the same time as he's living in the older dude's apartment and giving this poor dude all kinds of conflicted feelings because he's a widower who's lived alone since his wife and kid died and suddenly there's someone in his apartment cooking him food, nagging at him when he comes late and drunk etc. etc. Like, bruh. It really sounds like the twink is his new wife? And I am SO CONFUSED because the drama plays it so straight (without the "hint, hint, nudge, nudge" winks that The Devil Judge had) that I'm about to have an existential crisis.

Fellas, is it gay if this is the face you make when you're told you're not actually living with the man who took you home to keep you safe after you almost got murdered but then you accidentally behaved like his concerned and doting wife?

Asking for a friend.

(and don't even get me started on the whole "Bring Your Twink to Work Day" scene)

At this point, I'm half convinced I'm gaslighting myself into thinking this is gay when it's actually just a really heartwarming story about a really deep bromance that I'm too queer to understand.

ANYWAY. Thanks for the rec! But I'm not sure if it's my thing and I'm really bad at watching things right now. But I'm thrilled to hear that you're having so much fun with it! I'm happy for you! :D

And thank you so much for the lovely message 💜

#Amethystina Replies #1-boiledpotato #Who Holds the Devil #Mad Dog #Amethystina Writes #I swear #Watching Mad Dog is so very disorienting #Because it's genuinely SO GAY to me #But I've seen no one else so much as mention this #Is it just because the right people haven't watched it?#Or am I going crazy?#Who knows at this point #Sorry that this answer became more about Mad Dog than Who Holds the Devil #It's just been weighing very heavily on me lately xD #I AM SO CONFUSED

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silverskye13 · 1 year ago

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can i ask how you get the motivation to write? ive been writing for most of my life but i have such a hard time sticking with it

Honestly it just comes from the overwhelming desire to create. In a perfect world, I would rather animate or make comics, but my life is short on time, so I write instead. I can take my fic with me everywhere, squeezing in writing time while in lines or alone in the office or whatever. It's versatile.

For long projects specifically, it helps to have a plan. You don't have to outline everything [though I know people who do that]. Knowing you have a premise and a major climax somewhere is sufficient. The premise is interesting to you, the major climax is the very cool finish line you want to cross. Setting that goal of "write until you write the thing you desperately want to write" keeps me going. It's why I write chronologically instead of cherry picking scenes I have ideas for and then filling in the blanks later. I treat those scenes like they're dessert. You want it? Work for it :3 not to say cherry picking is a bad thing. I know plenty of people it works for. I just know myself, and if I give myself the fun payoff when I want it, I won't slog through the rest.

In the shorter term other things that help:

Making music playlists or mood boards or whatever. Give your brain a reason to keep picking at the story outside of the story context. Make it fun to work on. Don't feel like writing but don't want to forget you have a project? Add songs to the playlist, look up photos for setting inspiration, make a Tumblr tag for quotes. It has the added bonus of helping your story along, and giving you a reason to make the world and characters better.

Don't be afraid to drop it. Like, seriously. I know this whole post is about motivation, but nothing kills a project more than getting insanely guilty about said project. You're allowed to take days, weeks, months, years to rest on a project. Just because you put it down doesn't mean it'll stay down, and agonizing over putting it down will just ensure it's harder to pick up again. If you're staring at a project and you would rather do literally anything but work on it, don't work on it.

Uhm, counter to that, if it's been awhile and you're scared to start again? Just write gibberish. I have a section on every large document called "cut pieces" where I slam out the most dogshit writing and after I get warmed up, I cut it and put it at the bottom of the doc. For two reasons. The first being you've got the swing of things so you can get rid of all the practice you did getting to that point. The second being it might not be as bad as you think it is. Someday you're gonna remember that dialogue, and you're going to want to salvage it.

Keep aids handy! Especially for things that bring you trouble. For me it's descriptions. I love descriptions, but I often have trouble thinking up good ones or I have something specific in mind I can't nail down, or I've been staring at a wall for an hour trying to think of a good way to describe clouds and I can't. So I keep a description document, full of descriptions from books I've read or previous ones I've written, that I can use as a jumping off point. It speeds things up, keeps me from dithering on something stupid, and sometimes someone already described the perfect cloud, yanno? [As before so again, if anyone wants my description document, feel free to ask. It's massive and it's organized.]

Never stop at the end of a chapter. Well, you can stop at the end of a chapter sometimes it's 2am and you just wanna write [Chapter 11] on the header and go to bed. But normally I like to keep writing a few more paragraphs? So when I start [Chapter 11] I'm not staring at a blank page. Blank pages will always win a staring context. Put an I there so it blinks instead.

Change your document color. Like the paper color? White is so mean sometimes. My screen is black with white text. Other writers I know swear by lavender or green. White is just so hard to break man there's just something about it.

Last one but, keep reading. Like, why do you want to write? Because you want to tell a story sure, but why do you want to tell a story? Well, probably because you read a good one somewhere, and you want to give other people that "I read a good story" feeling. So keep reading. One of the most motivating things you can do is remind yourself why you're slaving over a hot keyboard.

.... And this got very long sorry :'D

Hope this? Helps?

#answering asks #anonymous #the barking writer #writing advice #also sorry if this sounds stilted or theres spelling errors #its midnight and my sleep aids are dragging me to hell as we speak #i can barely keep my eyes open #forgive me if any of this is incoheren #writing #reference

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bluejaysandblackbats · 6 months ago

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Eyes and Ears

Fandom: DC Comics, Batfam

Summary: An AU where Barbara finds Jason instead of Bruce.

Chapters: 17/?

Characters: Jason Todd, Barbara Gordon, Jim Gordon, Dick Grayson, Bruce Wayne, Sheila Haywood, Original Character(s)

Relationship(s): Jason Todd/Original Character(s), Past Barbara Gordon/Dick Grayson

Additional Tags: Canon Divergent AU, Older SIbling Barbara Gordon, Jason Todd-centric, Barbara Gordon is Oracle, Jason Todd is NOT Robin, Jason Todd Has Issues, Jason Todd Has a Crush, Adopted Siblings

Chapter Seventeen: Self-Control

"I can't go," Jason mumbled as he lay on his bed in his uniform. "I can't." Jim stood outside Jason's bedroom door. "Jason, I have to take you in the next ten minutes, or I'll be late to work," Jim reminded him, "What's wrong?" Jason muttered something incoherently. "Beg your pardon?" Jim asked. "I don't know how to tie a tie!" Jason yelled through the door. Jim knocked and entered. "Something I can fix. How do you want your tie tied? Fancy or simple?" Jim asked.

"Simple," Jason replied. Jim pulled up a chair and sat across from Jason. He untied his tie and motioned for Jason to sit up.

"It's not that you can't do it. It's just that no one's ever taught you," Jim reassured him, "And you look nice." Jim walked Jason through the process of tying a half-Windsor knot over and over again until Jason got it just right. Jason cracked a smile.

"Thanks, Pop," Jason whispered. Jim nodded, and Jason followed him to the kitchen to grab his backpack.

"Grab your breakfast from the microwave," Jim reminded him. Barbara came out of her room with a camera.

"Hold it! Smile," Barbara snapped a picture of Jason, and he groaned in reply.

"You're horrible, you know that?" Jason replied as he grabbed his breakfast. "At least give me a fair chance this time," Jason complained. She gestured for him to smile and took a second picture.

"Okay, now go to school. Love you," Barbara smiled.

"Love you! Check your e-mail," Jason chuckled on his way out the door. On the way to school, Jim turned to Jason for a half-second and took a deep breath. "What?" Jason asked.

"Now, I'm nervous. I just sort of realized we haven't been a family all that long, and you seemed so young when you first came to live with us... And now you're in high school," Jim sighed.

"Aww, Pop," Jason smiled as he ate his eggs. "Hey, do you want me to take the metro home if you're working?"

"I'll be here. Trust me," Jim replied as he pulled into the parking lot to let Jason finish eating his breakfast. "You're gonna have a good day today, I can—."

"Jason!" Mason yelled, startling Jim and Jason both. Jason finished chewing and rolled his window down. "Good morning, Comish!"

"Hi, Mason. How are you?" Jim asked while Jason finished eating his breakfast.

"Good. Also, a little birdie told me that we're gonna have our first class together. I'm glad Jason's early. I can introduce him to the rest of the guys," Mason smiled as she leaned in the window. Jason finished his waffles and said goodbye to Jim before getting out of the car.

"Love you, Pop," Jason whispered to Jim. Jim mouthed the words back.

She took Jason by his wrist, and Mason dragged him to the outdoor stage. Jason was immediately greeted by a boy in a letterman jacket that was near twice his size. "Ariel-Jules Polishuk. A.J.," he introduced himself. Jason shook his hand and was immediately pulled into a hug. Jason let out a little laugh of surprise, but he hugged back. "What's your last name?" he asked.

"Todd. I'm technically a Gordon now, but it doesn't really fit with my name," Jason answered.

"Casey Tabora, you can wait in line with me to get your schedule," a girl swooped in and shook his hand. Her glasses hung from a chain around her neck, and she had different pins pinned up and down her tie. Jason followed her to the line, and she turned around to look him in the eye. "Are you on a track yet?" Jason blinked hard in reply. "A track? Like theatre, architecture, agriculture, or culinary?"

"Oh, no. Not yet... But I am taking drama this semester... What about you?" Jason asked.

"Architecture, like my dad," she replied, "But not because of my dad. Actually, I'm really interested in architectural history."

"Sounds cool to me," Jason smiled.

She could tell that he meant it. Casey took a deep breath. "You're gonna like it here."

"I hope so," Jason replied, "How long have you been here?"

"Since third grade. A.J.'s been here since first grade. You haven't met Reese yet, but he's A.J.'s half-brother. Huge," she gestured with her arms out. Jason grinned as she spoke. When they got to the front, they grabbed their schedules and went back to the group. They all compared their class schedules.

"We have gym and French together," A.J. nudged Jason, and Jason smiled. Mason looked at Jason's schedule.

The bell rang, Mason and Jason walked to and sat down at their first class together. The boy sitting behind Jason kept kicking his chair. "Chill," Jason whispered under his breath.

The boy leaned forward. "Do something about it," he whispered.

Jason took a breath through his nose, chewed his lip, and readjusted his posture in his chair. Jason knew he could do something about it, but it wouldn't be what Barbara wanted. He closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose. Control.

"Control is the hardest thing to exhibit when you have power... Part of being strong is knowing when to stop yourself." Barbara always reminded him of that. He let her words play in his head over and over until he was calm again.

Mason nudged him. "Make him stop," Mason whispered.

"I will," Jason whispered back, "Just wait."

Once the teacher asked them to stand and do an icebreaker exercise, the boy tried to trip Jason and Jason tripped him. The boy fell on his face in front of everyone, and Jason crouched down and lent him a hand. "That was a warning," Jason whispered, "It'll be worse next time." The boy brushed himself off and walked away.

"Okay, Spider-Man," Mason grinned as she walked past Jason.

The class ended shortly after the icebreaker, and Mason promised to see him at lunch before A.J. swooped in. "You're gonna love our P.E. teacher," he smiled, and Jason trailed behind him. "You into sports?"

"A little, yeah. Baseball, NASCAR, stuff like that," Jason replied. A.J. stopped in his tracks and smiled.

"Reese tries to get me to go with him to see the races all the time. You guys are definitely gonna get along," A.J. smiled before being scooped up by an even bigger boy.

"Who am I gonna get along with?" the boy half-exclaimed. A.J. laughed.

"Jason, this is my younger brother, Reese," A.J. chuckled as his brother put him down. Reese was a force. He moved forward and shook Jason's hand. "Reese, Jason likes NASCAR."

Reese's eyes widened, and he asked if Jason wanted to come with him to see a race in a few weeks. Jason smiled and nodded. "Are you guys going to P.E. too?" Reese asked.

The day was long, and by the time Jason got to his theatre class, it was the only time he was finally able to relax. Theatre was his final class of the day, and Jason walked to the front to get picked up by Jim. As soon as he got in the car, he took off his tie and took a deep breath. "I have three new friends, I got invited to go to see a NASCAR race, and I think I need to take a nap," Jason whispered.

"Did you have a good day?" Jim asked. Jason nodded with his eyes closed. "Things will slow down as you get into the groove of things."

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genericpuff · 2 years ago

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I really wanna make a comic like you did but I feel so discouraged and idk... I wish I had your motivation and discipline :(

how do you do it?

I mean - and I'm gonna try and phrase this as best as I can without sounding curt - 'motivation' as people tend to view it... isn't really how you get shit done. Like obviously I had to be motivated to take on projects like Time Gate and Rekindled but that initial motivation isn't what keeps me going each week. People tend to have the general idea that motivation comes first, action second, but you actually need to take action in order to gain motivation, as the motivation to continue comes best from seeing the results of your work. And those results can only happen if you take action.

Discipline isn't the same as motivation, either. Discipline is not beating yourself over the head to force yourself to "do the thing" - rather, discipline can only come from creating routine. It's what I've done with creating comics, but it only came after a long time doing it. And when I say a 'long time', I don't mean a week or a month or even a year, I mean a solid decade of work. Before Lore : Rekindled, I was working on Time Gate: [AFTERBIRTH]; before that I drew Time Gate: Reaper; before Reaper I drew Uzuki; and before THAT I was in high school just doodling personal comics for myself (i.e. not for an audience). And every single project came with its own learning experience, audience, and results that motivated me to continue (though for some of them, I never did, a big part of growth and succeeding is knowing that failure is inevitable and some projects you just grow out of love with, even routine can't save you from not continuing a project that you're simply not enjoying doing anymore).

Drawing comics and writing is as routine to my day and life as going to work, eating, sleeping, showering, etc. even if I don't feel compelled to work, I'll still find myself picking away at a panel or two or coming up with a story beat to fill in where I'm going next. It's the kind of compulsion that comes not from internal motivation, but from not doing the thing that you usually do and that can only be gained from building habits and routine. I may not get the same amount of work done each day, some days I'll work on comics for 8 hours straight and others I'll only get a single panel done, but I still get something done (which is better than nothing, not getting anything done at ALL in the face of 'waiting' for motivation is where a lot of that discouragement can come from) and that's been reinforced into a routine that now feels effortless to do because I've been doing it so long. Just like building up any good habit like going to the gym or doing a skincare routine or drinking more water, it can feel impossible to do in the beginning, but the more you do it and commit to that routine - even when you don't 'feel' like doing it - the less overwhelming and impossible it feels and the easier it is to see it through.

As you fulfill those habits in the beginning and see the results of your work, THAT'S what gets turned into motivation to continue.

Take the motivation out of the equation in doing what you want to do, motivation is not the first step but the result of taking action. Don't wait until you "feel like it", take baby steps and start moving. If you're wanting to work on a comic, start with something small, like a single panel even. When I started out with Reaper, it would take me a month to get out an entire 18-22 page chapter; by the time I was finished, I was getting the same length of chapters out per week, and that was only possible after years of routine, practice, and polishing my workflow to the most efficient model possible (which only came with repetition and practice).

Of course, I wouldn't recommend people climb up to that output because it did take its toll on me, I'm actually currently in the middle of burnout from working on Time Gate: [AFTERBIRTH] and outputting 60+ full color panels a week, that's not something that a single person is meant to do and now I'm paying the price for doing just that.

But my point is, I'm not where I started - just like everyone else, I had zero clue what I was doing in the beginning, but I stuck with it long enough to finally get to where I wanted to be. This is the same advice I'd give to people trying to write novels, or learn an instrument, or even learn how to draw.

I think the only other thing I can recommend beyond that is finding a support network. Have someone to share your results with, whether it's friends, family members, or other people partaking in your craft online. I'm in several comic creating Discords full of wonderful people who are open to giving me feedback and celebrating when I hit milestones. Think of it like having an accountability buddy - it's a lot easier to pick up new habits when you have someone else there for you to hold accountable and to hold you accountable. At the very least, it helps you feel less alone in that initial suffering of building a new routine from scratch.

It gets easier.

But the hard part is getting started and sticking to it.

And that's not gonna happen with motivation alone. You just gotta pick up your pencil (or whatever tool you're using) and start, even if it's just a little bit at a time. Some progress will make you feel a hell of a lot more motivated than no progress.

#ama #ask me anything #anon ask me anything #anon ama #advice post #writing advice #life pro tip #comic artist tips

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clevercatchphrase · 11 months ago

Text

2023 Year In Review~

at the time of me writing this, it is 8:11pm on tuesday night, january second. Let's see how long it takes me to type this entire thing. I expect no less than two hours. This is gonna be a long one, so I'm gonna put it under a read-more. Proceed only if you dare!

So! Another year down, another begun, and this is my.... 5th? time looking back on my year and assessing what I accomplished and what I did. Lots of changes and new things happened to me this year! Not nearly as many good things as bad! But first I'm gonna dig up my old resolutions list and see how well I did on them. Let's see... for 2023 I had 9 goals, six of which were serious and 3 of which were more casual. those goals were;

Read 12 new books in a year (one book a month)

Finish the Snowdin Arc before Ghost Switch's 5th birthday

Rewrite the 3rd draft of my Nanowrimo project from 2021/22

Write 4 one-shots for BSaPT

Solidify the details of the waterfall arc

The one secret goal

Finish writing the last 4 chapters of Clemency and finally post the dang thing

build a comic buffer of 8 pages, and finally,

write the crack fic

Of these nine goals, I achived... 4 of them, those being reading 12 books, finishing the snowdin arc before june 18th, rewriting my 2021 nanowrimo project, and finalizing the waterfall arc for Ghost Switch. All of these were serious goals, which I am proud of! but it was still less than half, which was a little disappointing. As in past years, I'll go into more detail below:

Read 12 books I BLEW THIS ONE OUT OF THE WATER! the grand total of books I read this year was THIRTY-SIX! three times as many! In fact, I forced myself to stop in order to have more books to read for 2024! Most of the books I listened to this year were through librivox, and mostly on my commute to work. Great way to pass the time! I wrote short little notes about the books I read on a personal discord with only me in it, so let me see if I can just copy and paste all of that here... (all of my original notes will be italicized, while additional thoughts on it now will not be)

1) Jonathan Livingston Seagull. Short, cute! Inspirational. About self actualization. Read by richard Harris. People call this a demonic book?? Apparently a fourth part added in 2014. Look it up later. (Edit; I never did look it up later. there's an audiobook for this on youtube, and while the voice is nice, there is, like, a solid 10 minute segment with a single violin note playing in the background and it is GRATING) 2) fire bed and bone. Ok. Middle of the road. Too focused on people and not the dog, but I get that's the point. it's ~symbolic~. Like the use of no dialogue and no name for the main dog 3) dogs of the spires book 1: reads like fan fiction (derogatory). Sentences go on for 4 or 5 words too long. Used the word orbs for eyes 3 times. Duke is ALWAYS FUCKING GRINNING. Half-brother reveal makes no sense and comes out of nowhere. How… Big/old is Step? Talks waaay too mature for a kid. What happened to Twig? Very tell and not show. Pink foam pink foam pink foam. Why are dogs separated? Hoe do the packs work? Why training? Not given enough to care for characters. Feels like a warrior cat reskin. Too rushed and yet nothing happens at the same time. (I was very curious about post-apocolyptic xenofiction this year, and this was one of the books I could find on the matter, but it's very childishly written and just... bad. Surprisingly, there seems to be a very tiny but dedicated fandom for it on youtube? the series has a fandom wiki anyway...)

4) old granny fox. Very cute! A little repetitive, but passable for a children's novel. Great introduction to xenofiction for kids. Wonderful audio book. 5)the adventures of Sammy Jay. Short sweet also a lot of fun. Both books are Definitely of their time with their usage of the word "queer" as a synonym for "strange/odd"

Now, this is a little known fact about me, but I'm secretly a massive furry. yeah, who could've guessed, right? Anyway, i'm always on the look out for good xenofiction, and when I searched through the "animals" playlist of the librivox youtube channel and stumbled across the books by Thornton W Burgess, I was INSTANTLY enamored. Old Granny Fox, and The Adventures of Sammy Jay were the first two I read/listened to, and was immediately captivated. I MUST give extra props to the narrators of these audiobooks, with some of the more frequent readers for this series doing unique voices for each character, which really added to the charm (Jude Somers and John Lieder particularly come to mind). I WISH I had these books as a kid. I love the way they describe animal behavior and reasoning. While it is anthropomorphized, it never crosses a line into "too" human, if that makes sense. There's another book on this list that is very similar to Burgess' work, with talking animals, but in that book, the animals make and read signs on the doors of their houses, and go to animal tailors to get their clothes fit. this doesn't happen in Burgess' work. Sure, they talk about their homes and the coats they wear, but it's all very intentionally conveying their natural states and habitats in a slightly more human way for us to picture them. Sure, the art on the covers of the books may say otherwise, but it's never depicted that way in the actual text. All their behavior is very animalistic, too, explaining their thoughts and actions in a way that would make sense for a wild forest creature. These books are a little gentle when it comes to the cycle of life. While the predator characters do need to hunt, they are always juuuust out of luck when they are the main character, and the prey characters juuuust manage to escape each time they're the focus. I will definitely be reading more of Burgess' books this year (the man wrote over 170 of them!), but expect quite a few more titles of his to pop up on this list.

6) adventures of jimmy skunk 7)adventures of paddy beaver (not much to say on these two. both were charming, but I feared I would have sounded repetitive if I just kept writing "cute!" in my notes) 8) my father's dragon Short, cute and silly. Listened to the audiobook. Does the physical have pictures? Not really so much about the dragon. Wish there was more after the ending, like what became of the dragon? (I also watched the netflix movie adaptation of this book. I.... could not stand the dragon in the movie. I'm sorry, he's annoying as hell) 9)adventures of buster bear

10)adventures of old mister toad.Favorite one so far. Puts toads in a positive light and describes them as beautiful instead of ugly or gross. [Burgess] Really appreciates all animals and their unique abilities and traits

11) The tale of freddie firefly. Ehh, okay. Not as great as Thorton Burgess' books, but still enjoyable. Not the same 'voice'. (this book was written by Scott Bailey) 12) The adventures of Chatterer the red squirrel. Fine~ Fun. 13) The Fox That Wanted Nine Golden Tales. Funny, short. Would make a good 22 minute short film 14)tale of master meadow mouse. Alright~ why do the animals know what groundhogs day and February are? How does mouse know how to write, and fox to read? Do they wear clothes? Mention a tailor frog. Oars for a raft. Don't like the animals being described as "(color) person". Feels like it's missing an adjective, ie "feathered" or "furred". (This is what I was talking about above. Scott Bailey wrote very similar stories to Burgess, but something was just... off about is writing style. ) 15) the adventures of reddy fox. Okay. Feels like an earlier book. Not as kind as the other ones. (I later looked it up and confirmed this was one of the earlier books in his series, and this one was, like, his tenth ever published one)

16) the adventures of jerry muskrat

17) the tale of doctor Doolittle. Fun! Kiiiiiinda racist in the africa parts, but an overall good time! (I'm more familiar with the Doolittle movies, but was surprised to learn that Doolittle's ability to speak to animals was something he learned with effort and practice, and not a magic power or weird innate ability of his. It was an interesting read!) 18) Nomads of the North. Fun animal romp. I Flinched at the use of "fat" "tar baby" "half breed" and "Indians". First half is mostly about the bear, then a sudden sharp turn to mostly about the dog. Kinda meanders, has no over-arching through-line, conflict or plot. (Apparently a movie was based off of this book, but focused more on the humans than the animals. Eh, it was the 1920s. what can you do) 19)falcons of nerabedla; short sci-fi novella about a bodyswap time traveler. Its… Fine. Not the greatest. A little too confusing and kind of wish they explained things more earlier on. Not really about the falcons. Even for a sci-fi, still pretty sexist in the future.(honestly I don't even know if I should count this as it's own book. I'm pretty sure it was a short story inside a bigger magazine?) 20) south American jungle tales. Enjoyable! Very strong jungle book vibes with a South American flare. The story with the racoon was pretty dark, though. 21) a gryphon's journey. Too fast pace. Characters have a habit of spilling their entire backstories onto arias without prompting. Not enough show, not enough explanation of how the gryphons work. Some aspects completely pushed to the sides, like the satyrs and naugi until the end. Very rushed. The skyhaven arc could have been its own book, the stygagryph arc could have been it's own book. The heron gryph arc could have been it's own book. Not enough time to get to know the characters or care about them. Arias speaks far too maturely for his age, I feel. (Still on a gryphon kick from the last... two years now? Mostly I'm waiting for the fourth book in the Griffin Ranger Series to come out before I read the third. The author said it would come out before the end of 2023, but that date came and went and it still isn't on amazon at the time of writing (which is now 9:26pm, jeez...) I want to read isthmus so bad, but I don't want to wait on a cliffhanger) 22) myths and legends from Alaska. Okay. Feels very white washed and overly simplified. missing nuance. Reader is so deadpan and monotone that the audio book was a slog to get through (One thing I was determined to do for my own enrichment this year was to read more legends and mythologies from other cultures. There are SO MANY cool creatures and monsters and ideas out there, and I just feel so LIMITED by the small amount I know. We humans come up with some of the craziest shit imaginable!) 23) the white czar; a story of a polar bear. Bad, boring, incredibly racist. Barely about the bear at all! 24) the twins of buster bear. Another thornton w. Burges book. Its middle of the road. Certainly not bad, but my least favorite so far. Just kinda dull, and the audio book was horrendous. (honestly if the audiobook wasn't so bad, I wouldn't have disliked it so much, but it was a CHORE to listen to this one. I mean, thank you librivox for doing all this work for free, but is it too much to ask for some sort of vetting process for your volunteer readers??) 25) the wishing stone stories; BEST thornton w burges book so far! I would have been obsessed with this book as a child. Transforming into animals to learn about their ways. Not super PG like the others. The animals hunt and kill and get killed. 10/10

26) lightfoot the leaping goat 27) Toto the bustling beaver. Both alright. Nowhere near as charming as thornton Burgess, but endearing none the less. A little more 4th wall breaking. Toto audio book fun with silly voices, but I don't like the description of "tramps". A little too humanized for me. Lightfoot audio book fucking trash. Almost gave up. (Both of these books were written by Richard Barnum, another children's xenofiction writer of the time, but I quickly came to realize that his writing style is just not for me. I listened to a handful of his books too, this year, but they left me feeling uncomfortable more often than not because common attitudes of the time period reeeeeally show through his work.) 28) the adventures of poor misses quack. How do these qualify as adventures. She lands in a pond, dumps her backstory for 60 percent of the book, finds her mate and lives happily ever after. Not very strong, not very adventurous. 29) Mother West Wind "When" Stories; a lot of fun, charming, Aesop fable-esque. Fun mythology for children. A little too much peter rabbit, but I understand why he's there 30) the adventures of tamba the tame tiger. Yeahhhh, this series isnt my thing. A little too humanized, and the audio book is fuck GARBAE. (Pretty sure I meant to say "fucking garbage" there, but "fuck garbae" is funnier)

31) joust 32) alta 33) sanctuary All really good! All revolve around dragons and their usage and care. The books are a liiiiiitle too serendipitous, with the right thing always happening at the right time. Vetch/kuron doesn't "fail" enough. Second book is the best so far because the magi are a legitimate threat and it feels like time is running out so they must always stay one step ahead. (All written by Mercedes Lackey, all about dragon husbandry with a nice Egyptian flare! Check them out! But... maybe skip Aerie, the last in the series. It's not really worth it.) 34)aerie weakest one. Ahketen was absolutely unbearable and I didn't like the literal deus ex machina at the end with the actual gods coming down to help. Final ranking in order from best to worst; 2)alta, 1)joust, 3)sanctuary and 4)aerie. 35) the adventures of johnny chuck. Fun, average. Simple but doesn't need to be complicated. First of the thornton books ive read where the main character forms a family with children as the main focus 36) blacky the crow. Fun and charming as always. Feels a little simpler than the others with only 3 main mini stories, two of which involve stealing eggs. I wonder if I can find a box set of these books. (Aaaand that wraps up all the books I read this year! 15 of them were from thornton w burgess, and I hope to read even more from him this year! If you know of Burgess' books, tell me your favorites! I'd love to discuss them with someone~)

2.WHOO! the time is now 9:50, and I am just starting on talking about my second goal, which was to finish the snowdin arc of Ghost Switch before its 5th birthday. I did this! I did this exactly on june 18th! (for public readers, anyway. Anyone on my patreon got the page early, but a one week difference isn't much in the grand scheme of things.) I also get to say that I passed the Snowdin Test this year! "What is the Snowdin Test," you might ask? well, it's something a mutual acquaintance of mine, from the Fan Fic Paradise discord I lurk in, made aaaaall the way back in 2018, right when I was just startin' out with Ghost Switch. (Hi, Vikingaspoke, I don't know if you follow me on tumblr, or even have a tumblr for that matter, but I want you to know I thought about your thesis every single day since you first posted it, and have been determined (har har) to succeed where so many other undertale stories have failed. I did it once with my Epic-long fan fic, You Monster, but to do the same in comic form was a new and unique challenge. it took me almost 5 years, but I got there in the end! Cutting out the memories, I've officially concluded snowdin and started waterfall just this year!) I've also got to mention that I think my estimation on how long it will take me to finish Ghost Switch is slowly unfolding to be oddly accurate. I've never made a comic this long, but back in 2019, when I made an anniversary comic for Ghost Switch's 1st birthday, I guestimated that it would take me roughly 11 more years to finish the story, meaning it would take me 12 in total from start to finish. Well, we are rapidly approaching the half-way point of the comic, and if I haul ass it get to 312 pages out by the 6th birthday, we very well might actually hit it. I haven't drawn up to page 312 yet, but it's strangely close. Granted, my guess didn't account for the length of the flashback segments, which may push it back, but the sheer Idea that the "vibes" I got on how long each arc would take just by roughly judging the time it took me to finish ruins as a baseline to compare... it's just weird, man. I just "felt" that snowdin would be 1.5 times as long as the ruins, waterfall 2 times as long as the ruins, and hotland+New Home also 1.5 times that of the ruins. I have no metric for this since the final scenes were not written out yet. It just... feels like it should be that, and I'm kinda scared at how on track it's been.

3. Third goal was to Rewrite my Nanowrimo project from 2021/22. I did this as well! It's still no where near a final draft ready for beta readers or anything, and towards the end of the year I got distracted writing the second book in the trilogy because this is an epic fantasy story so it just HAS to have three books. Maybe I'll self-publish these stories one day. it sure is the most passionate I've ever been about something original i've ever written, but I want to make sure the entire rough draft of all three stories is done first so I can easily go back and add hints in previous parts without having to retcon anything later down the line. I've already had to do it once, so no doubt in my mind I'll have to do it again when I start trying to wrap things up in the final book. Speaking of the sequel, that was my nano project for this year! I won, but much like 2021 and 22, I didn't finish the book. my 21/22 project ended up being roughly 80k words, and I still expect to add about 10k more when I add some missing scenes and flesh out some description. I don't think that will happen with the second book. If anything, I expect it to barely stick around 50k in total because I just know I wrote a lot of filler and junk and repetitive stuff in the first draft this year because I was STRUGGLING with nanowrimo this year. Idk yet if I'm going to make a rewrite of book 2 my nano project for 2024. we'll have to wait and see how I'm feeling once september/october rolls around.

4. My fourth goal was to write 4 one-shots for my fic collection of Blankets, Socks, and Pillow Talk, over on AO3. I didn't do this, mostly because I was too distracted with my original fiction this year. i DID write one one-shot, hilariously during nanowrimo when I was suffering from writers block. Hopefully this year will be different. I would like this fic collection to at least hit 50k words so it could be a full novel of short stories all on its own. I think I can do it, I just need the time and inspiration.

5. My fifth goal, and last one I achieved this year was to finalize the details of the waterfall arc. I'm sure I've said it before in the past, but all the major story beats for Ghost Switch were planned out well before I even drew the first page, but the scenes connecting them were filled in more as I went. Rest assured, I make sure the entire arc is scripted before I start it, but my dirty little secret is that the snowdin arc wasn't completely written until I nearly finished drawing the ruins arc, and I was well into the snowdin arc before the final scenes of the waterfall arc were written down. It is now, and has been for at least 10 months. This was a goal I always knew I would achieve. Sometimes the resolutions I make are things I know are gonna happen whether I want them to or not. Sometimes you just gotta give yourself a guaranteed win to boost your self-confidence, you know? (now I just need to do the same for the Hotland arc. I think it's gonna take me 3 years minimum to finish waterfall, just like it did snowdin, so I got time, but the sooner I figure out the dialogue, the better. Will I make that a goal for this year? Ehh, probably not. I just wanna focus on building a buffer first)

6. The one secret goal was not achieved. If it was, this post wouldn't nearly be as long and you all would have heard about it as soon as it happened. Idk if it will happen this year, or anytime soon. A vicious combination of anxiety, the economy, and the uncertain state of the world make me hesitant to even attempt this goal.

aaand those were all my serious goals for this year! the time is now 10:37, I am tired and dizzy. I'm gonna save this as a draft and get back to it tomorrow~ nighty night~

OKAY! IT'S JANUARY 3RD NOW, 8:34AM! LET"S CONTINUE!

my three casual goals, none of which I accomplished, were;

7) Finish writing clemency. While I didn't do this, I did think about the story a lot. If you've been around since late 2022, You'll know that when AI writing generators started gaining popularity, news broke that the internet was scraped for data sets, including fan fiction websites like AO3. This extremely pissed me off because Fan Fiction is... well, I guess there's no better word than "sacred" to me. The unadulterated desire to write, create, share and expand on media that has touched us, inspired us, (hell, even angered us!) and to do this all purely because we can and we want to, just to make connections with other people who were fans of the same media, people we may never meet, thousands of miles apart from us, who we can touch and inspire in turn... Fan fiction is a gift. it means so much to me, from the professional writer who writes ficlets as an exercise, to tweens just starting their creative writing journey by imagining themselves hanging out with their favorite characters, to the hobbyists who wanted to imagine how things would change if just one thing happened differently, to those who feel underrepresented in media, and want to see themselves be the hero. People working through shit, people who are just bored, people who love a story so much they will retell it a hundred times over so it never has to end. Young, old, girl, boy, fluent writers, to writers in fandom where english is not their first language. It's an amazing, nearly incomprehensible melting pot that can connect us all... and some CEO jerkoffs just wanted to steal all this heart-felt work and feed it to a machine to make a quick buck. I was so enraged, so violated that works of passion could be abused this way that I locked down all my fics on AO3, and you now need to be logged in to read any of them, and I didn't write a word of fan fic in over a year. Every time I thought my anger had cooled off, more news would come up about "AI" generated stories appearing in the kindle app, or authors having works published under their name without their consent because thieves are trying to make a quick buck with their identity to trick fans, or hear that tv show and movie writers being told they are worthless and replacable, and I would get mad all over again. I'm still mad just remembering it, and until actual laws are in place regarding the use of "AI" in art and writing, I'll stay mad, and my stories will be under lock and key. If some good has come out of it, I focused a lot more on original fiction this year, which I haven't shared online at all, so no fear of that being stolen, but I do miss writing fan fic more regularly, yet I can't stand the thought of something I make for fun being taken and used by someone else to line their pockets. It's like... the antithesis of the purpose of storytelling to begin with and makes me sick to my stomach.

WOW! That sure was a rant! Let's move on! My 8th goal and second casual one was to make a comic page buffer of 8 pages. I almost did this one! At one point, (like, the second week of december) I had a buffer of 5 pages because I was finishing up Memory 5 of ghost switch, but then I realized I could line up the end of the memory with the end of the year, and I ended up posting all of my reserve pages in, like, a week! During those weeks, though, instead of making more pages to keep the buffer supplied, I played a lot of video games instead, which I hadn't done since... october? because I didn't touch my PS4 at all during november while I was writing for nanowrimo, and I missed playing Horizon Foridden West and wanted to get back to it. Maybe this year, though? I'm dead set on trying to get to 312 pages before Ghost Switch's 6th birthday, which is, like, 30 pages away, so I gotta improve my output process regardless.

And the 9th goal of mine and the last of the casual ones, was to write that crack fic. This goal has been on my resolutions for a couple years now, but I still haven't done it. I'm gonna blame my AI hatred grudge for this, since it made me not to want to write any fan fic at all this year. I'll get to this someday, but maybe now I should put it on the back burner for some newer goals and projects~

Okay! The time is now 8:57! if you're still reading this stream-of-conscious ramble of mine, it's time for me to list off my goals for this year!

IN 2024 I WOULD LIKE TO...

Read 12 new books this year (one book a month)

Reach 312 pages of Ghost Switch by June 18th (the 6th birthday)

Build (and maintain!) a comic buffer of 8 pages

Go walking on 3 new greenways around my neighborhood

Go camping by myself

Make at least one new song comic

Finish 4 video games to as close to 100% as I can (currently looking at Horizon Forbidden West, the original Pokemon Mystery Dungeon Blue, Carto, Alba, Stray, Journey, Unraveled and The Talos Principle 2, as these games currently entice me the most, but I still want flexibility and options if one game ends up not clicking)

Finish the first rewrite of my 2023 nanoproject (this will probably end up being my nano24 project, if i'm being honest with myself)

Write 4 one-shots for BSapT

-- These 9 goals I want to be serious about, but like last year, I have some casual goals i want to do as well. They include...

10. Get reacquainted with Neocities and make a personal website

11. Learn to code to improve said website/learn to make games

12.Listen to the entire royalty free youtube library for reasons

13. Research every d.o.n.g. ever featured on VSauce, for neocities reasons.

I feel like I had a couple more off-handed things I wanted to do this year, but these 4 casual things are the only ones I can remember at the moment. Maybe I'll come back and add to this list later.

Alright! The time is now 9:37AM, and I have to go run some errands/do some house chores! Saving this again as a draft to come back to this later!

Okay! Done with errands, and it is 11:30am on the nose! Time to resume my inane ramblings and hopefully finish this thing within the next two hours.

One thing I mentioned in my recap/review of 2022 was that I never actually felt like I was looking back on the year in depth. So much was forgotten or blurred together with other years because I didn't keep track of it. Well, this year I kept a monthly diary, again in my personal discord of 1, and wrote in it whenever I felt anything of note or significance happened to me, or whenever I had reoccurring thoughts or feelings. i managed to write in it at least once a month, often times twice, that being every two weeks. I found the whole experience quite therapeutic, frankly, and I'll share snippets of it now, though I will cut out the more personal entries. Be forwarned! A lot of the following text is straight up copied and pasted from my diary entries, so there is a lot of misspellings and short hand. I'll try to fix some of the more obvious ones, but these paragraphs are just as stream-of-concious writing as the rest of this massive post. Anything in parentheses with A/N is me adding context right now on the present day!

january 5th, two very close coworkers of mine quit due to upper management being petty. These two employees had worked here for nearly two decades. They were married to each other and were the mom and dad of the work base, with everyone else relying on them, looking up to them, and going to them for their problems. Them walking out scared everyone lower on the pecking order, because we felt that we were no longer protected from manager bullshit with them gone. I was off the day they walked out and didn't get to say goodbye. the grief I felt upon learning they left caused me to have my first ever anxiety attack that night. It was one of the worst experiences I've ever had in my life. I try to keep in touch, but we don't talk much due to our age gaps and busy work lives.

in January I also had a body-horror nightmare that still makes me squirm just thinking about it. I dreamt no one in the world wore pants, but we were all cool with it because we had pockets built into our legs. Not like... fabric sewn into skin, mind you, I mean naturally evolved extra flaps of flesh over our thighs like the pouch of a cartoon kangaroo. flesh pockets. even in my dream I could feel them. the insides were surprisingly dry and smooth- no sweat or hair in there, but the sensation was uncomfortably irritating, like when you rub your knuckles too much and it feels sore. worst part of this dream was, I woke up, thought "thank god I'll for get this in a few hours", but then watched cartoons later that day and saw a... tom and jerry(?) short where tom also had built in pockets on his body which made me remember everything, and now I can't forget.

February 8th. Watched The Flight if Dragons. Good, campy 80s feel. Drags in some parts, rushed in others. Some aspects feel like they have 0 explanation. (How did peter separate from gorbash? Did peter know that denouncing magic would vanish him from the safe haven? What happened to the princess's parents? EVERYTHING with the wolf and whatever was going on between the huntress and knight. I also Watched 1996 dragonheart. Slow start, but good fun. Pretty decent cgi. Acting is downright TERRIBLE in places, but it was good campy fantasy fun in the end.

On february 14th, I dreamed of a haunted house, but the house wasnt malicious. It felt like a friend that worried for your safety when you left, because it was rooted to the spot and could not come to you when you were in trouble. I did not stay long, and felt melancholic when I had to leave. Once outside, I turned around and said "goodbye house" and waved it farewell. Then, in all the curtains and windows, dozens and dozens of shadowy human arms waved goodbye to me in return, wishing me well and safe travels. It would miss me, but not keep me prisoner, because a house is only a home if you had the freedom to leave and return when you wished.

March 18. I got recommended a video on YouTube about screen savers, and it reminded me of one that our family computer had in the early 00s. After searching for a while, I rediscovered it; the createacard screensaver pack. So many buried memories unearthed. The sense of wanderlust and inspiration and not over such beautiful art came rushing back to me; https://youtu.be/zFPKmnegK0c

I was generally tired for all of march, not having much energy for any project outside of my comic, and even that was starting to wear me down.

I played a lot of kingdom hearts 1 in late February/early march. Synthesized the Ultima weapon for the first time. Cried farming sniper wilds and stealth soldiers because they unsettle me. I'm trying to grind to level 100 before the game is over. Debated on doing a kh song comic this year (A/N: This did not happen)

I want to redo my personal website. Wix added an image file size limit, and my whole site currently surpasses that twice over. The wix site editor is slow and finicky any way. Looked into blogspot and WordPress. I want to start a xenofiction book review podcast. Are solo podcasts popular? I Looked into neocities. Felt an overwhelming sense of nostalgia and child-like wonder. Made my own account/basic website, but haven't edited anything yet.

I got hit with the seasonal depression late February/early march, watched some home gardening videos on youtube and got inspired. The videos I watched were about people building actual massive scale pond and lakes, but I just went to home depot and Lowe's and Wal-Mart, bought, like, 12 different kinds of vegetable and flower seeds, 3 long rectangular planters and 2 massive bags of dirt. I also bought some peat seed starters, a plant heating pad (which I might just give to my cat) and a plant light. I spent over 150$ total.

My cat turned 5 years old on the 15th this march as well!

In late april I got really into analog/digital horror args and unfiction realities. Been watching a lot of Night Mind and similar analysis videos (I'm too lazy and dumb to try and solve them myself).

April 28th. Maternal grandfather might be passing soon. He's been in and out of hospitals since late January, needs around the clock assisted living, and my mom and her sister are constantly having to take time out of their lives to help him. I hate it. It's stressful and aggravating to mom, the assisted living people are incompetent, and my mom is stretching herself thin, running ragged trying to do everything at once. It's not fair to her. It's not fair to anyone.

May 11th. Mom's computer has a solitaire program with hundreds of versions of solitaire, most of which have gone unplayed. Ive been trying new games and learning them through trial and error (the "rules" tab doesnt work because it accesses a file that is no longer installed on this computer). Ive found new favorites in "twenty" and in "carpet". It makes life just a little bit more interesting.

June 4th. Been really into watching blind lets plays of undertale from 2022/3 lately, as well as dissection/discussion of undertale's music. Also into shayy's undertale mods. Glad the fandom is still having fun with this game. Got interested in pokemon infinite fusion. Downloaded it, but havent played yet. Getting back into PMD, though I have to grind now for leveling and evolving mons I cant recruit. Took a break from listening to librivox books, but might pick it up again. Same with checking in on flight rising. This year will be it's 10th birthday iirc

Looked at my ao3 recently and noticed I havent written anything in over 6 months. Still mad about the AI data scraping. I didn't stop writing entirely though. I spent all of October, November, January and February writing an original story, and still really proud/excited about it. Finished typing the rough draft on Wednesday, taking a break before I start edits.

All my flowers I planted in February are dying. Has a lot of rain this year. I think they're getting over watered.

June 6th. Been thinking a lot about Hawaii recently. I miss my old school and house. Went to Google earth to look at it again. I think our old neighborhood of [REDACTED] was razed and rebuilt becuase the streets dont look the same. This makes me feel… Not quite sad or bitter, but hurt none the less. I knew ever since we moved here chances of going back would be slim, but knowing my most nostalgic childhood home is gone forever…

Saturday June 17th fucking sucked for everyone. Two coworkers got seriously injured at work. My car battery completely died and couldn't be jump started. Had to call for a tow and wait 2+ hours for it to arrive. Wanted to cancel but they told me I would be charged even if the tow never arrived. Got charged 80 extra dollars for a "wench fee" I didn't need, but they talked to fast for me to think about it. Massive accident on the 4-lane highway home put all traffic down to 1 lane, and we were stuck there an extra hour. Dairy Queen's lobby closed early, going to drive through only, sonic was OUT OF ICE CREAM, and the local grocery store was almost sold out too. Did not get home until almost 10pm. Both my car AC and my mom's car a.c. don't work. I FUCKING LOVE OWNING A CAR. IT'S SO MUCH FUN AND SO FREEING.

June 28. Been playing a new video game recently; horizon forbidden west. Price dropped by 50% on Amazon and I had a 10$ gift card so I got the game for 1/3 the launch price. It's okay so far. Been slowly exploring and uncovering the map, ignoring the main story and discovering secrets. There is definitely A LOT more to do in this game than in the first. Dont really like a lot of Aloy's line deliveries. Some of the controls are different which throws me off. Robo enemies cool as ever, though noticeably fewer dinosaur ones.

Mom continues to take care of her dad. Aunt does too. All of mom's free time and energy this summer has been stolen by him. She keeps insisting she won't have to look after him as much when he gets better. I don't think he's ever getting better.

All my flowers I planted back in March have died. It's just too damn hot for them. It's too hot for everyone. We have just hit ten straight days with weather in the triple digits. I'm miserable.

Might have to replace my laptop soon. It's almost 12 years old, the battery doesn't work anymore, it overheats, and it's super slow. Looking into gaming laptops.

June 29; grandfather passed away last night. All I feel is relief.

July 11th. I got gifted my grandfather's bed, but had to switch it back out with my old bed because it was too soft and fucking up my back. No lumbar support.

July wrap up: month went by sooo fast I can hardly believe it. Its too fucking hot. Texas is stuck in a heat cyclone. Havent played solitare in a while, or listened to audio books. I managed to do 7 jigsaw puzzles this summer, and hope to do one more. each one has been 1000 pieces minimum, with two being 2000 pieces, and 1 being 3000. I should have taken more pictures of them finished, but it's fun to know we finished one puzzle per week this whole summer.

August 5th; Wish I recorded some smaller details throughout the year, not realizing id want to recall the last time I did something. When was the last time I intentionally watched a movie or listened to a specific song? (but then again, how will I know I'm going to think the exact thought; "when was the last time I did X specific thing?") I rewatched wolf children 2 months back for the first time in years, same with relistening to HeyHiHello songs. Been having a lot of lower back pain lately. Stretching helps, but I can no longer sit or sleep in my favorite position without cramping up. I need to be perfectly straight and i hate it. (A/N: The very next night I pulled a muscle in my back so bad I thought I was paralyzed. for the first time in years, I had to call in sick to work because I could not physically move from my bed)

August 19th. Went to a chiropractor. No pinched nerves or slipped disc, just a pulled muscle. Stretching helps and have been wearing a back brace. Finally had grandpa's memorial on the tenth. It was nice to learn he made friends at his community center. I'll try to be out going when I'm old too. Doctors would not sign his death certificate for 7 weeks because they just didn't give a shit, and we finally threatened to call a lawyer. He finally got cremated.

August 30th- recently had to go to pepboys to get my car fixed again. It was "stuck" in neutral. Grandma came and picked me up to let me go home. She said she doesnt plan to be driving much longer and intends to give her car to me. I dont know how to feel about this. Grateful for the future gift? Sad that she is getting older? I had to have my car towed and had to leave work early, which I hate doing because it makes me feel like I'm leaving everyone else to do my work, but I did not want another repeat with the towing situation that happened in june.

September 19th. I finally put on my brave face and ordered a new laptop for myself earlier this month (the 5th to be precise) and today it finally arrived. I bought myself an HP omen gaming laptop. It's so nice, but also different and a little scary trying to adjust to all this new interface. I went from using windows 7 for the last 11 years to jumping into windows 11. It'll be an adjustment. Gotta re-download all my old programs and transfer my files. Hope my drawing tablet will still work on this laptop. Might have to buy a new one of those as well. I already hate the subscription model being used if you want to do ANYTHING with the tech YOU BOUGHT nowadays. Goodbye microsoft office! It was fun while I knew you! I got libreoffice now! Fuck off adobe! OpenShot and Shotcut are my video editing programs now! I still need to learn my way around OBS, opentoonz, and pencil2d, but I gotta say there's something.... rustic? homey? about having a desktop full of opensource programs made by people who want to help other creatives free of charge. I miss the days where you buying something meant you own it forever, but free homegrown programs updated by community feels friendlier than just owning a shiny "offical" big named piece of software, I gotta admit.

The new laptop is wonderfully fast and silent. It cost me 2 grand so I hope it lasts just as long as my old one. There is no removable battery from what I can tell, which is sad. Also no disc drive. The keys light up rainbow which is cool (but I had to turn that feature off to improve battery life). I customized the desktop background to some concept art of the videogame RiME. (I thought I had saved the default bg pic from my old laptop to my external hard drive, but I guess I hadn't?) Funny to me that in the 10+ years of owning my second ever laptop, I never changed the wallpaper because I liked the default art so much. Might add more art to a file and have the wallpaper rotate. I want to replay RiME again too. Love the simple gameplay and strong colors of that game.

October 4th. So much has happened in 2 weeks, it feels much longer than that. I pretty much completely switched to using my new lap top ad my main computer, transferred all the files, downloaded a bunch of open source software for writing documents, video editing, streaming and animation. Fuck you Microsoft. I shouldn't need an account to use basic microsoft word. Hope to bring back page making streams next year for patrons~ ive even been playing some steam games that my old laptop just couldn't run, and quite a few new ones as well. Candleman, carto, so many fun and charming titles~ replaying snakebird because all my progress was lost 🥲I'm not mad. I love snake bird.

I have so much desire to do so many things, but not enough time to do them. I need to queue up my november posts for tumblr before I go on break. I need to get my oil changed soon. I want to go back on steam and play more humongous entertainment games. I want to write, I want to draw, I want to animate, I want to learn how to quilt and crochet and garden. I want to do it all right now all at the same time. I want to go on a nature walk. I want to see my friends.

Its finally starting to cool off. We still get in the 90s easily, but it rained last night for the first time in weeks, and we havent hit 100 degrees in a couple of days. Been reading a lot of webtoons lately. Been having the urge to start my own with my original storylines, or at least use webtoons as a backup/mirror for my fan comic. So many unique stories there all ready. So many fun art style and worlds to get lost in. I love stories and the people that tell them. The joy of creating a tale and sharing it with the world is humanity in its purest form.

November 1st: youtube is cracking down on adblockers. Havent had any problems yet on desktop, but on this day, my default youtube app on my lg smart phone started showing me ads for the first time in the 8+ years I've had it. I was so mad that i forced stopped the app, and logged into youtube through an ad block browser app instead. Some of the app's features will be missed, like being able to watch a video and search at the same time, but these little annoyances are nothing compared to the fury I felt at being shown ads. I didn't write nearly as much as I wanted to for nanowrimo today because of this.

November 6th: I turned 31! Both my friends forgot my birthday, and I wasn't able to reserve a camping site for the April 8th eclipse next year! 🙃 ive been writing like mad for nanowrimo, but I'm still falling behind.

December 17. Has it really been a whole month since i last made a diary update? Thanksgiving came and went. No drama at our house but my mom and I watched an argument unfold in the yard of our neighbors. The one mobile game I play, dragon's world, officially shut down for me 4 days ago. I'm a little sad I could never 100% it, but glad I got as far as I did, and even managed to buy some dergs so it didnt feel all my hard earned gems went to waste. Havent uninstalled the app yet out of nostalgia, even though I only played this game for a year and a half. I made the mistake of reinstalling the google play store to look for a new dragon raising game, but none had the same appeal, and the reinstall caused my discord app to update and hate it ):< I kinda want to learn how to make a mobile game of my own like dragons world, but with gryphons instead and a focus on rescue/rehabilitation and zoology angle. (I mostly just dont like how common fighting is in these kind of games.) Finally been playing horizon forbidden west after a few months away. I'm not progressing the story, just trying to max upgrade all my gear. It's a fun challenge~

December 26, 2023. Got bit by a dog at work on Christmas. Right on the nail of my middle finger. He broke my nail but not my skin. Its odd. Thankfully I can still draw without much issue. I got a tetanus shot and flu shot just to be safe. Mom got me a tent for Christmas because I plan to go camping by myself next year, even though I wont get to see the eclipse on my outing.

The fan game undertale yellow came out on the 9th… Which was before my last journal update? I've been enjoying the game play but the story is just a little... eh. the sprite work is phenominal, though, no complaints there. I hate that it's making me want to write my own AU version of it already to "improve" it, since I think the story loses its way pretty much once you leave the ruins. (maybe I can try to shove it into Clemency in stead since i still haven't finished that either).

I watched a documentary on kangaroos on netflix this month. I had to play it at 1.25 speed because I swear they slowed down every single clip for the film to get it to a certain length. I also watched "dog gone trouble" which had terrible voice work and awful character design, and then "back to the outback" which was surprisingly well made even if the characters stumbled sometimes, but I'd easily recommend it. I want to watch more Christmas movies before the year is through. (A/N: this also did not happen).

Finally uninstalled dragons world today. My phone's been acting up. Hope I don't have to replace it soon. I don't like how, nowadays, the technology I pay for, I don't actually own, and features are being removed left and right. I'm afraid any "new" phone on the market offered now won't nearly last as long as my current one has.

Aaand that was a brief glimpse into my year! The time is now 1:10pm! I already have one other post going up today, so I'll queue this one to go up on thursday instead~ if you managed to read this far, thank you so much, i guess! I hope my ramblings don't make you see me differently as a person. It's odd reflecting on where I was in my life over these past 12 months, remembering my state of mind and the feelings I felt as I wrote these entries. I'll be sure to do it again this year.

Overall, did I learn anything?...no, I don't think so? I did come to the realization that at the end of every year, in multiple youtube videos and tumblr posts, people mentioned how hard the year was for them, but like... after june, for me, everything improved quite a lot. it doesn't feel right to say that 2023 was hard for me. It was unbearably sad for me at the beinging. annoying and (physcially) painful half way through, but once august hit... everything slowly started to get better, despite the small petty things I complained about in my journal entries above. youtube ads, car troubles and discontinued apps of games I enjoyed still feel like small potatoes when compared to what I accomplished. Finished writing a draft of personal fiction, finished a major arc of a fan comic, got a new laptop to stream and share art with others, played a bunch of new video games, and generally enjoyed life for the latter half of this year.

And it almost feels selfish to say that... I'm happy.

I hope I can stay happy in 2024 as well.

Thanks for reading~

Have a safe and joyous 2024~

#long post #year in review #new year's resolutions #2023 review

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potteryheadd · 2 years ago

Text

No Time To Die Ch.1

Pairing: (Eventually) Bucky Barnes x enhanced!reader

Summary: Endowed with the Infinity Stones, Reader is racing against time to save the universe with the help of MCU hero’s they meet along the way.

Chapter Summary: Reader makes a tough decision that changes not only their life, but the universe.

Warnings: angst, Suicidal Ideation (and plans), mild(?) Torture, kidnapping, medical equipment use (tube inserted in body),

Word Count: 2.6k

a/n - Ahhhhh this has been a long time coming for me. I started this story a year and a half ago when I was in a very dark place. Thankfully with much deserved self reflection and support I am ready to come back to this story. Now, with the help of some of the BEST beta readers I’ve had the pleasure to meet, the first chapter of this series is ready for your enjoyment. ^.^

p.s I envisioned the reader as plus size and black (cause that’s meee) but it can be read regardless.

Big thanks and love to my beta readers: @srhwho @beating-a-dead-plot @the-singular-peep @who-you-gonna-message

It’s all gone.

I’ve finally finished selling all my things, and an empty apartment lies before me. A ghost of what it used to be, really. From furniture, appliances, wall art and throw blankets, down to the Marvel comics and movies I never finished. Given away. I had thought to keep everything the way it was when I left but I know the money I’ve saved can go to a good cause.

The tub is warm and soothing, water nearly spilling out but stays bubbled around the edge as I slip deeper into it. The smell of my last Christmas candle lingers in the air and, if it weren’t for the bottle of pills on the toilet seat cover next to me, I might’ve said this was a pleasant experience. As I stare at them, I can’t help but think how long it would take, would it hurt, should I have picked another way?

It’s okay, this is what I want. Right? I promised myself if I did everything I could and nothing worked, this could be it.

A glimmer catches my eye and I turn to see the last thing I own, a photo. A photo of the only thing I wanted to see before I go, my friends. The ones that really made me believe things could change. We met by chance but were held together by our love of nerdy things. What would they say about me now?

Tears stream down my face as I grab the photo, wishing it could save me from this. From what I’m feeling, what I’ve been through, what I’m about to do. I see my smiling face and wonder what I could’ve done to get that back. To feel hope again. I turn the photo over and find my list of reasons to stay alive.

10.I deserve good things 9.I want to make a difference 8.Heavy rain and hot chocolate 7.What if they invent space travel after I’m gone? 6.Eating cheesecake at 3am 5. Sunny days 4. Looking for shooting stars 3. The neighborhood cats 2. Spite 1.Love

I remember all the jokes my friends made when I wrote down the first two. It’s true though, spite has gotten me so far in life but love feels like healing. It made me appreciate the small, beautiful wonders of the world all of which I’m leaving behind. Can I really leave all of this behind? I close my eyes and list my reasons like a prayer till my voice goes hoarse.

Maybe waiting one day won’t hurt

The door to the bathroom slams shut.

Whispers begin to fill the room, creating a cacophony of almost unbearable sound. Dropping the photo to cover my ears does nothing to drown out the voices, all of which are too quiet to hear more than a word or two.

“...protect…”

“...chosen…”

“...find them...”

The bathroom light blows out and I jump splashing water everywhere as a giant reflection appears in front of me. It looks like moving water. I think for a second then go to touch it, my hand completely passing through.

Holy shit

Yanking my hand back I see my fingers tangled in a necklace with 6 gems, each radiating a different color. Why the hell is this so familiar? Before I can inspect anymore, the room begins to shake and the jewelry falls out of my hand into the tub. I grip the edge of the tub and sweep my legs inwards to catch the necklace and quickly put it on.

The room goes still.

What the hell just happened. I touch the center of my chest, smoothing my fingers over the chain. Rising from the tub, prior motives long forgotten, I towel off and find myself lying in my empty bedroom with my phone plugged into the wall.

Search: Real Infinity Stones MCU

As I scroll through the results, mostly containing plastic versions of the stones for sale and Marvel movie ads, nothing resembles any sort of answer.

I mean sure I’m off my rocker a little bit right now, but I know I didn’t just imagine that. Infinity Stones!? I’d heard rumors about Hydra being real, maybe even multiple realities – but this? How am I even holding it!?

BANG BANG BANG

The front door startles me and, as I get up to answer, my stomach tightens. Something doesn’t feel right. As I tiptoe towards the door, the banging becomes louder and louder, until I’m in front of the peephole. No one. Suddenly glass shatters from my bedroom window and footsteps bound towards me. I rush to the kitchen, hoping to find something, but feel a slight pinch on my neck and darkness takes over.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The room I wake to is nothing like my apartment. Cement walls covered in cracks and dirt and grime, the strong smell of bleach and mold hangs in the air. Head pounding, I can feel soreness in my arms and legs. My heavy eyes open to see that I’m strapped down to a chair, incapacitated. My shirt has been ripped open and a small tube has been hooked up to my chest, connecting to 3 giant machines placed around me that are filled with a blue liquid.

“Finally, you’re awake.”

Behind me, in the far right corner, sat a man in a long tattered white coat with a clipboard in his hands. He watches me through his broken glasses as I struggle against the restraints, careful to not move the tubes.

“What are you doing to me?” I ask weakly.

“Only saving our asses, now please sit still. I can't get a proper reading on the stones when you move like that,” he replies, crossing the room and opening the door for another man. This one had on all black tactical gear, a gun fastened to his hip, and a black arm patch with a bright red skull and six tentacles. He stays close to the door and crosses his arms.

“Who the hell are you? You’re not doing shit except keeping me hostage with the Hydra reject over there!”

“Actually, he was a top asset to Hydra in the days before Thanos.” White coat chuckles, “And think of our relationship more as that of Frankenstein and Monster.”

My eyes go wide with fear. “What the hell are you doing to me!?”

White Coat stands between two machines and flips a switch, sending me doubling over in pain. Blue liquid from the machines starts seeping through my tube. After a minute, he flips the switch again and begins asking questions,

“How’s the clarity of your mind right now?”

“Could you feel anything happening with the stones?”

“Are you noticing any hardening in your muscles?”

This guy is insane

I huff leaning up, “Just please tell me what you’re doing to me, I don’t know why I have the stones or how to use them. If you want them so bad why haven’t you taken them?”

“Trust me darling, we tried,” White Coat says, pointing to my chest. I look down in horror noticing a faint, oval shaped scar around the necklace. “Those stones don’t want to be taken.”

Did they fucking cut me open? I’ll kill him I swear…wait-

“Why is it healed so much, I just got here?”

“The stones healed you, of course. Can’t have their protector getting hurt, now can they?” He sounded bitter.

I raise an eyebrow and he steps around the machines with a small metal chair and clipboard and sits in front of me.

“This last test really messed with your memory, huh? The stones chose you as their protector.”

It hit me like a train. The voices. Most were too quiet to even hear but I know they said this. They must have been trying to tell me, or warn me. But what does “find them” mean? Find who? There’s no way it’s these guys.

“Chose me? Why would they have chosen me?”

Tactical Gear turns to me. “Trust me, sweetheart, we’ve been trying to figure that out too.”

“Oh and…you’ve been here a while my dear, about 6 months now?”

“6 months tomorrow, Doc.” Tactical Gear sports a grin as he speaks.

“W-why can’t I remember? Have I been asleep?”

Tactical Gear snickers, “You wish, sweetheart, we’ve spent a lot of quality time together. And your memory? That’s all Doc.”

“It’s truly the kindest thing we could do for you, this work doesn’t happen without some… side effects”

Side effects!? “What kind of side effect warrants memory loss? What’s going on here!?”

“Jesus Christ, Doc just tell them, it’s no fun fucking with them when they’re like this.”

“I wanted to give them time, but … alright,” White Coat lets out a breath. “I assume you aren’t aware of the multiverse, yes?”

“Like in Marvel movies?”

He sighs, “This is much more complicated than that but yes, and similar to the movies, Thanos is also very real and very much on his way for those stones. He destroyed Hydra looking for them many years ago, and I have no doubt he senses their presence now.”

“My theory is that, combined with my version of the super soldier serum, the stones will react to your new strength and be our ticket out of here. You’ve been quite stubborn these past few months and have refused to willingly participate in my work so this,” he gestures to the restraints, “is our last resort.”

"You're seriously making me...what, like a super soldier? Like Captain America? I could literally die!"

“ Do not worry my dear, you will be my greatest creation! You are going to lead Hydra into a new age across the timelines.”

“The only thing I’m going to lead is my foot up your ass, now let me go!”

White Coat only shakes his head before getting up and walking back around the machines. He looks as if he is going to mess with the machines again but decides against it, instead walking towards the door.

“Take them back to their room, we’ll pick up tomorrow.”

Tactical Gear pushes off the wall and unties my arm restraints. “Now don’t get feisty, wouldn’t wanna have to hurt you.”

He smiles.

Dick.

Feeling comes back to my legs as he takes the straps off and lifts me up bridal style out of the room. He walks down a long blue lit hallway, avoiding the stripped wires hanging from the ceiling. If I had the strength in my legs I’d run, but… where would I even go? I don’t know where I am or how far I am from civilization. The room I’m taken to is bland to say the least. Four more cracked cement walls, a chair, and a bed that Tactical Gear throws me unceremoniously on. He turns and walks out, locking the door behind him.

A sob escapes my mouth as I turn over and clutch my legs to my chest. None of this should have happened. I know what I should’ve done, and now I'm here. I pay no attention to the necklace as I run my fingers over the scar – it’s healed but will most likely never go away. A familiar feeling begins to rise.

After everything I’ve been through, THIS is where I end up? These stones saved my life and now I’m stuck with fucking Dr. Jekyll and Hyde? No.Fucking.Way. I’m getting out of here even if it’s the last thing I do.

This is how most nights go now. Wake up, a breakfast of toast and expired fruit, and then continuous torture. Like cattle being raised for slaughter, only I’d be the one doing the slaughtering eventually. I can feel what the serum is doing to me, I’ve bulked up to the point Tactical Gear has a hand on his gun whenever I’m in the room. It would be an ego boost if it wasn’t so damn terrifying, especially since the man looks like he’s itching to pull the trigger!

It’s been 3 weeks and I haven’t even thought of using the stones. My captors are less than thrilled, but I know Marvel like the back of my hand and, if they think super soldier serum will trigger these stones, yeah right. I just need to buy enough time to figure out where I am and how to leave. They haven’t said anything about it, but I know that’s what comes next. Brainwashing. It’s the only way they’ll ever get me to use the stones for them.

I can hear footsteps through the thick concrete as Tactical Gear approaches, a new perk of the serum. He opens the door and gestures to walk out, hand readily on his gun. I slip past him and make my way to the room — there aren’t any exit doors in the hallway so he lets me by. I learned that my first week. I take a seat and allow him to strap my arms and legs to the chair. He begins inserting the tube and I reflexively wince as he purposefully pushes it too hard.

“I’m hoping this test will be our final and all 3 of us can continue my work somewhere else,” White Coat says, not looking up from his clipboard.

“Wait- you mean this is it? What if it doesn’t work.” My heart races as I think of the consequences of not using these stones.

“ Well, you’ll finally be done with the serum today, so training should be next.”

Sure. “Training”. I knew it.

Looking down again, I feel a wave of nausea come over me. I had to get out of here and fast. Should I use the stones? Are they even in my control? I close my eyes and begin pleading with them.

Please, please, take away my tube and get me out of here!

I wait a moment before opening my eyes and seeing everything still as it was.

“Get ready, dear, try to concentrate on a portal out of here!”

And away from you

As he begins flipping switches again, the blue liquid crawls back towards me, and I can’t help but continue to plead with the stones as pain shoots through me.

Please get me out of here

Swoosh

A bright light blinds me as the left wall collapses in on itself and is replaced by a smokey blue portal. White coat cheers and begins fiddling with the machines again while Tactical Gear steps over to me and starts untying me from the chair. After unraveling all the restraints, he roughly yanks me up from my chair and pulls the tube from my side. I cringe, expecting pain but as I look where the tube is I already see a scar forming on my side. Another new perk of the serum I’m sure.

He turns back around to grab a duffle bag hidden from behind a machine and I know this is the only chance I’ll get to escape. I leap over two giant bundles of wires to get out of his reach and dive towards the portal.

“Stop them!”

I can’t tell who’s yelling but it’s the least of my worries as I pass through the portal and crash onto cement. Scrambling up I turn to see White Coat and Tactical Gear bounding towards me. Running through what I now see is an alley, I turn the corner onto the sidewalk and immediately crash into someone.

“Oh my god, please you have to help! These guys are cha-”

My eyes look up to meet large white lenses with black rims sewn into a red and blue suit, an all too familiar sight.

“Woah woah it’s okay! I’m Spider-man, I can help!”

#Bucky Barnes x reader #Bucky barnes x you #bucky barnes headcanon #Bucky Barnes fluff #Bucky barnes angst #Bucky x reader #enhanced!reader #plussize!reader #Black!reader

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evilwickedme · 1 year ago

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20 questions for fic writers

Thank you for tagging me <3

How many works do you have on ao3?

69 lmaooo

what’s your total ao3 word count?

407,178 which is. A lot

What fandoms do you write for?

My current main fandoms are DC comics and marvel comics, but I've also been writing a lil btvs. Historically I've written a fuckton of Harry Potter, The Witcher (TV), a decent amount of leverage and daredevil (TV), the raven cycle, all for the game, and a few other fics in some random fandoms

What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

before we get married, I need to get permission from batman; hang on til the chaos is through; in which an entire university becomes far too involved in Pankratz and Vengerberg's love life; This is all just HR paperwork waiting to happen; and The Sound Of My Own Voice (Asking You To Stay)

Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

I respond to every single comment, with exactly one exception, that absolutely haunts me. The person just kept replying to me no matter what I said and I couldn't make them stop

What is a fic you wrote with the angstiest ending

Mornings, for sure. One of my first ever spideypool fics back from 2016. Peter dies at the end. know we're not together (but I won't forget you) is a close second though

What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

Oh I don't know, I have a lot of happy endings but they usually follow a fuckton of angst. Maybe in which the daily planet staff are 100% convinced that the kent-lanes are fucking superman, but I wouldn't call that a traditional ending

Do you get hate on fics?

Nah, although I've had some unnecessarily harsh public bookmarks

Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

Oh yeah. My first ever smut sucked but then I wrote so much in 2021 for the witcher that I actually got pretty good at it, or at least as mlm sex. I have some body dysmorphia issues around vaginas and I never feel like I write that well. Anyway I tend to go for excessively sweet or incredibly kinky and borderline unhealthy fics

Do you write crossovers?

Only the buffy/jason fic, unless you count daredevil tv and marvel comics or itsv and marvel comics to be crossovers

Have you ever had a fic stolen?

not as far as I know

Have you ever had a fic translated?

Yes!! It's incomplete unlike the original fic but someone translated most of I'm a mess (but I'm the mess that you wanted) into Russian. This wasn't the question but @flowerparrish also podficced the first chapter of my jaybuffy fic!!

Have you ever co-written a fic before?

Yes but I removed it from my page following an extremely brutal and somewhat traumatizing fight with some of the people I was cowriting it with

What’s your all-time favorite ship?

Mmmm I don't know, that's a good question. For a long time I would've answered jily. Spideypool is probably the main contender now, although spuffy could give it a run for its money - despite the fact that I've only written one fic for them (and implied them in my jaybuffy fic), I've adored them since I was 13, which is. Over 12 years ago fuck

What’s a wip you want to finish, but doubt you ever will?

Mmm I'm always hoping I'll finish my wips, but the ones I doubt the most are my yennskier fic (no progress in over a year), my literati fic (although I did make some progress about a month ago), and I don't plan on going back to my drarry Hogwarts professor au for obvious reasons

Edit: OH ALSO the Witcher s2 outsider pov is never ever getting finished I'm sorry I know I promised it to a lot of people in the comments but it's not gonna happen

What are your writing strengths?

Dialogue and characterizations imo

What are your writing weaknesses?

Descriptions my fucking God I struggle so much with them

Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic?

I'm fluent in Hebrew and my first ever fic was in Hebrew, so if that came up I'd feel pretty comfortable with it. Anything else I'd have to approach someone who spoke the language, and I'd rather just write it in English and say it was in the other languages

First fandom you wrote for?

Harry Potter and again, it was in Hebrew. I recently described what it was about to a group of friends who called it, and I quote, "adorable". I was ten or eleven at the time and I do not plan on reposting it.

Favorite fic you’ve written?

That's a toughie. I think probably I'm a mess (but I'm the mess that you wanted), but Under the Pink Hood, Of Three Times Lily Evans Changed Her Mind About James Potter, and know we're not together (but I won't forget you) are all honorable mentions

I'm not a tagger - I usually don't even participate in these kinds of posts - but I guess @not-the-blue @supergirlboy @penny-anna and any other mutual or even follower are invited to participate if you wanna

#this my fic #gail speaks

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felikatze · 1 year ago

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finally finished gilgamesh (the korean webcomic, not the actual sumerian epic of gilgamesh) and like ohhh i get it, tink is haunting the narrative

jrgrjgbgkg sobbing. because this is EXACTLY what zius says in tek which means zius' ideology is directly based on tink. and now zius passes on tink's words to the second special class fjhg

can you TELL tink was my favorite character in this. rip king i miss you but at least you get to be the catalyst for all of tek ✌️

also WOW on context. "oh hey that's legia from gilgamesh" legia is in ONE CHAPTER of gilgamesh. IN THE LAST ONE.

long messy assortment of gilgamesh thoughts under the cut 👍 when i say long and messy and all over the place i mean it btw.

i have no fucking clue what went on with the ending of the main story

the paneling in fights was kinda wild and i couldnt tell what actually killed tink even once i reread the chapter which maybe cheapened his death a bit. like DID waron stab him? I DONT KNOW! I CANT TELL! did he just get done in by two malto goons to protect tludia? fuck if i know. can someone explain

the gilgamesh cast actually ended up growing on me by the end i was ready to scream when it teased hadar dying like three times at the end

and i also like how tludia was characterized later on and her picking up all these habits from ram and listening to a his stories only to later succeed him is aaaaa

foreshadowing 👍

the explanation for ram and tludia's Whole Deal is. wack though. "yeah ram exists because of a programming error basically. also last thursday-ism is real." why does it matter that ram tells tludia the world history if the history is fake??? why did tludia's curse flare up BEFORE hinsher got unthawed if hinsher being alive is the catalyst for it?

i GUESS it fits in with the worldbuilding of restrictions and rules as avenues of power. all power comes at a cost in this world and i think it's GREAT worldbuilding and powerscaling but using it to handwave plot beats kinda blows

on that note the worldbuilding around demons is kind of. yikes. i get they're going for a "forever war" thing but. really had to specify that they're all black huh. is this why tek never shows them onscreen? is hwandaeng embarrassed about this now.

it's not as bad as it could be what with the "both sides suck" approach but damn daljan really fucked up by essentially demoting tink for being anti-racist and not explaining that he'd like tink to teach new knights to be less racist. bcuz all tink is gonna walk away with is "knights are racist". daljan. my man.

i keep talking abt tink (love that bitch!) but i do truly love how fucked the concept of Honor got with him. and ruthless ram is in the later part of the comic. tludia criticizes him by asking if tink had any choice. ram says it was his honor and choice to die. but. tink was blackmailed into working for the malto in the first place. he didnt ever have a choice. choosing to die was his only choice. ESPECIALLY HOW WITH TLUDIA'S BACKSTORY WITH KANDENTIA!! it's paralleled with how kandentia criticzes tludia for stealing, but tludia says it's a priviledge to be so rightous!! not everyone can afford honor! are you gonna tell a starving child to stop stealing because its illegal? are you gonna tell a man being blackmailed into criminality to choose the "right" thing?

honor as a priviledge is a fantastic concept to explore

also on that note. ram. looking back on it he Never really gives people a choice. like obviously, his "negotiation" with the fake mushia. once the peaceful option fails, he just starts threatening her. oh, and how his cowardice is repeated - the people he's leaving aren't ever given a choice either, are they? and from the beginning of the plot, too. what choice does tludia have but to trust him when he's the only one who could possibly cure her fatal curse disease????

and in the end tludia's final actual choice is "life forever or die." like. what choice is that even

at least tludia's desire to keep living no matter what is a long established thing so it makes sense for her to do that

wow the story really has like 2 suicides. first ram and then muitin in the bonus stories. hot diggity

kinda mad hadar's sister plotline didn't really get resolved. where'd she go. i get that hadar's resolution to the plotline is that he gives up on looking for her and starts living for himself, since she never wanted him to find her anyway - but it still stings a little

she probably became a knight. she's not legia's sidekick, is she?? they look a little similar. maybe without the lipstick...

also fucking WILD to have tek things recontextualized

like oh these bozos are fron letoon. where stella lived and died. okay!

or going from "i dont care abt tamin" to "TINK'S BROTHER??????"

morbidly hilarious that he ended up becoming solbas' sidekick then. is that why she cares so much about rescuing him in tek? not just a simply need for his two braincells (as she has none), but guilt as well?

didn't tamin have tink's weapons in tek too. oh my gosh i'm going to cry

other stuff!!

tanshirin got so much more fucked up now seeing her in gilgamesh. "tyr's sister. cool 👍" to "hahah. girl what." good on her for becoming a knight though. seeing her with hinsher's hammer in gilgamesh was surreal

also in tek when zius explains the reason the east and west hate each other so much now realizing he was talking about hadar, tink, and hwashran specifically. i hope hadar shows up in tek at some point. just having the guy who Caused The War, Somewhat there would be hilarious. the smug smirk that launched a thousand ships. (hadar is a riot)

speaking of hinsher!!!! her story is the one that made me sob most (only time i cried at this comic was "gnojes the blacksmith" from the side stories). it's just. auhvrhhr. the human equivalent of hachiko. and at the end of the side story where hinsher steps into the workshop and is greeted by those bearing his name i aurghgfhf

it's really well handled how hinsher reacts to the situation. she's devestated, obviously. that moment when she sees ram and sees he's unchanged and asks him how long it's been but of course he's IMMORTAL but she doesn't know that so she thinks it's been no time at all but it was 500 years i'm. i'm fine

and just like everythinggggg and how she eventually copes by imagining gnojes managed to be happy without her. maybe he found someone else. the conflict of longing and desolation at hearing the name of gnojes continues, but then - he never had any children. he never married. he waited for her.

and how hinsher just. she regrets leaving gnojes. she regrets being trapped. she doesn't regret trying to save strangers. because that is her knight's honor. and she does it again, protecting tludia and nephren in the final arc,,,, don't talk to me

AND THEN THE SIDE STORY SHOWS. GNOJES NEVER GAVE UP LOOKING FOR HER. BUT HE FOUND HAPPINESS AGAIN, TOO. in his work. with the children he adopted. he died of old age surrounded by people he loved, who loved him too. but he never stopped missing her. and she'll never stop grieving him

the tragedy is just fucking DELICIOUS okay

do also love how the side stories show that ram is an unreliable narrator. it's really neat to see characters picked up and fleshed out without his viewpoint. like the fuckin plot twist that it was depression era ram who killed suldin and not tisalle. but ram only heard "suldin was killed by his apprentice" and didn't remember doing it, so he assumed tisalle did it. and then killed tisalle for it. fucked up 👍

what more was i saying

waron is way more fucked up than i thought but zius describes her as "predictably unpredictable" so she's just always been like this. how the fuck did the knights reign her in again. kandentia probably kicked her ass and now she just wants to brawl with zius now that her main target is dead. she's fantastic and i love her. she knows EXACTLY what she wants.

the general theme of self sacrifice and making yourself the villain to help others both with ram's actions and the demon knight backstory and waron's short story on how she hates knights kinda makes me think she also does this to establish that not all knights are just? after all, honor is individual, and not all honor will be "good", with waron as a prime example

did she ask nagyunn how he'd kill her just to figure out if he'd be fun to fight

that is. all my thoughts on gilgamesh i can remember at the moment. this post is long and messy but such is customary for me 👍

once again i think gilgamesh is hampered by the early chapters trying to hard to be comedic. once it settles on a tone and as the art improves i started enjoying it way more but with how frontloaded the flashbacks are (even if they pay off in full later!) i definetly wouldn't have been nearly as invested if it weren't for me reading tek first. tek just has a better plot hook with a character with a set goal and a plan to achieve it, whereas the beginning of gilgamesh kinda meanders as the crew sets out to unlock ram's memories, which doesn't really end up significantly changing ram, even. the beginning is too largely incidental to me so tink n the malto as concrete antagonists to outwit and overcome def helped that.

but also the ending feels just. messy. here is god to give us exposition. everything you did was useless. ram's pivot into ending the world suddenly, even if it's to draw out god(?), feels much too abrupt. yes he had the report about tludia and hinsher being somehow connected, and i did find it odd she could understand hadar without using sign language, but that foreshadowing really wasn't enough to even conceive what his plan was, especially since his talk with the fake mushia leaves out the dialogue where he actually gets her to agree. and then it also cuts out the final words tludia gives to ram before he jumps off the cliff.

to be fair tek ALSO does this a lot but it p much is always dialogue that would've been boring and is brought up only when relevant, with the general sense of "i guess they could've talked about this at that point." (main way tek blows it is with jiroon, imo - like, put the scene with nagyunn encouraging her before her death, maybe? so we're not just invested in her in-post? flashbacks work with tink because he already had plenty of build up before dying, and additional context just expands on what we already knew about him. i digress.)

and then the malto mooks who attack tludia and co are literally unnamed and faceless. it would've already been better if pavrin was the one to betray mushia. it was. just some fucking guy! okay!

tldr abt the ending: i dont really get it ¯⁠\⁠_⁠(⁠ツ⁠)⁠_⁠/⁠¯ the midpoint of the comic feels best to me writing wise. overall i enjoyed it though, even if i still like tek more.

dang, now i should totally reread tek for a fourth time, just so i can pick up on every detail gilgamesh expands on or recontextualizes.

like some of these r just for fun (like why daljan is so important to kandentia, since both of them are rather minor characters in tek), and others r kinda bonkers (the dragon has lost some of his mystique now that nephren exists to me)

#feli speaks

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indecentpause · 1 year ago

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Hi! I decided to check your stories on ao3 and see that you have 20?? original stories!

I am gonna start reading some but if you don't mind I have a question.

how you were able to write so much? and they seem to have similar themes but how can you write a whole different story 20 times?? that's pretty cool. I have not even written 1 yet but you inspired me now

Hello Anon!

So, the first answer didn’t come out right, and the second I accidentally deleted. Third time’s a charm? Heads up, I'm autistic and I overexplain things, so this is going to be kind of long.

Most of the stories labeled with Sheraton Academy, with the exception of two (one which is not finished yet), they were results of my wife @ohsugarfoot and I bouncing ideas back and forth on long drives. Most of those characters are from an old pbp rpg from decades ago, where we met through her character Josselin and my character Meara. We are two huge nerds who are not afraid to write self-indulgent self-fanfic! Something would remind us of a character, and we’d laugh about it, and sometimes that was it, but sometimes it would spark a conversation of ‘What if this happened? Then ‘what if this happened?’ And soon enough we have a bare bones plot, or at least some beats.

I highly recommend getting yourself a person like this! Whether you meet irl or just talk online, having a person willing to be a sounding board is SO helpful. Writing takes a long time, and it can get lonely! Having someone to cheer you on helps so much.

Some of others were often based on alternate scenarios with some of my characters (Stars in Our Hands was a genderbent ‘what if Darcey and Jordan were women, how would their lives be different in a similar setting and what would their relationship be like?) SOME were things I’d been mulling over since I was a teenager, and now I’m in my late thirties, so they’ve had plenty of time to marinate. (I wrote three chapters of the first Feeling Is First in high school, and then dropped it for fifteen years until I found an idea where the characters really worked). Most of the non-Sheraton stories were based on those initial characters and ideas, just bouncing around in my head for a decade or so! Most of them I kept to myself until they were finished, occasionally asking Sugar to look at things if I was stuck. Those were a little more lonely, but I loved the characters and telling there stories was really important to me.

In the meantime, I was sharing prompt-inspired short stories here on writeblr. I slammed them out three times a week. The first dozen or so got a lot of likes, but don’t let that fool you —most of them were people just saving the prompts I was using. I even had people reblog and delete my story so they had reblogged just the prompt (this was back when you could edit other people’s posts). It sucked! But I wrote them because I loved to write them, and I shared them here because I have a handful of friends who liked to read them. Again, look for the cheer-readers! Those are the people who will get you through the rough times.

Short stories and longform stories are totally different monsters, though, and writing something longform can take years. It’s a totally different skillset. It’s not like some other kind of art that take a few days or weeks to finish before you have something to share. That’s where things like writeblr come in! If you feel comfortable sharing works in progress, and you have a Tumblr, I’d highly suggest starting one of your own and sharing ideas! You can share excerpts, make playlists, if graphics are your thing you can make those! Involve yourself in tag games (there’s always someone making a list, and it’s a good way to meet people and make friends and acquaintances). Jump on the trends going around on Tumblr like the Comic Sans Powerpoint or the Netflix show template, off you’re able.

The internet is a big place. Eventually you will find your people. Knowing there are friends and followers and mutuals online who want to read your work is inspiring! Even if you’re a slow writer, knowing people are interested in your ideas helps so much. I know plenty of incredibly talented people who often just ramble about characters and worldbuilding ideas, too, and even that can be helpful. And it’s fun for you and for people who like your ideas to read! You can also maybe find a local writing group or discord group, although with those ymmv. There are a lot of crap ones. There are some great ones too, though! You just have to be patient and dig.

Also, keep in mind that despite the dates I posted them, I finished my first full length novel (Two Heartbeats on One Page) back in 2012. (Then of course there was beta-ing and editing and stuff, but that was when I finished the first draft.) And before that I wrote all the time in high school, even though I only finished one novel, and it wasn’t very good, haha. I had been storing these up for years (I didn’t post my first novel until 2016) and was hoarding them like dragon because I was plagiarized in high school, and I was so scared of it happening again. But then I realized that the community was worth the risk, so I jumped in.

AND THE MOST IMPORTANT THING HERE, I CANNOT STRESS THIS ENOUGH: I am unable to work a normal job due to physical and mental disability, and my wife is the breadwinner. While I am not always able to write, often because of those things, I still have more chances to pop out a paragraph here and there. If I can’t get out of bed that day I can jot down notes on my phone. When I was writing and working before all that, I wrote much much less. If you have to work, or go to school, or take care of someone, or take care of a property, it is much, MUCH harder. It’s totally doable! But it’s a difficult balancing act so it might very well take you longer than it would if you weren’t.

As for ideas, it sounds trite, but they can literally come from anywhere. Something you overhear on the train, the taste of a certain cookie from a coffee shop you visited for the first time, a song someone is playing too loud on the radio in the car next to yours, seeing something pretty at a park. Inspiration can come from not so happy places, too, bad events that happened to or around you or loved ones, things or people you’ve lost, ways your community is failing you. Not every story is happy or has to have a happy ending.

And most of all!!! Just WRITE. Write great stuff and good stuff and bad stuff and even worse stuff. Just write, and don’t delete anything. You might hate that one scene you wrote BUT perhaps it can serve some other person in a project later. I have so many bits and bats and scraps of writing saved up. Many I will probably never use! But every word you write is a good one, because you are practicing and getting better.

I’m so glad to have inspired you!! I know this was long, I hope you got to the end. ;-; And thank you for being interested in my stories. Good luck in your future endeavors, Anon!

#ask pause things #writeblr #writing is hard #writing advice #i don't know if it's good advice or not but i hope it helps #anonymous

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dashawfrostart · 3 months ago

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This Week In "Time & Again" #21: The Storyboard Is Done! The Further Adventure Awaits

So far - and that is indeed final for my paper sketching - the storyboard of Chapter 6 consists of 54 pages. Of course, not counting any framing material such as the cover arts as well as any bonus materials, it's roughly 20 pages longer than Chapter 3 that's been the biggest chapter up to this day.

This is massive, let me tell you. Especially massive when remembered that it's done virtually by one person alone.

Since my plan is so grand, and, unfortunately, there are no reliably working AI tools that might've sped up the colouring and/or sketching for the final product, AND with the progress hindering factors such as life outside art 🤣, the work might sprawl out within time and space. I am ready for it. Alles ist gewiß in Ordnung. I am very well aware of the amount of work that lies ahead of me, and I will not cancel my plans because of any possible oversights (because I have none 😁). As I said before, I am very committed, and no less determined.

What I am aiming at doing however is to try and shrink it to no more than 50 pages (which will make approximately 25 pages per part, for Chapter 6, just as Chapter 3, will be also split into two parts). That will be done through trial and error and perfection of the panel placement on every page. This is gonna be a headache - but it will be very well worth it 😁. Time for me to explore the new horizons after all - that's something I was willing to do for a long time. Now even stronger than before.

I foresee Chapter 6 to be a slap in the face, a hit with a frying pan, a loud squeak of a kazoo right into one's ear. It should be - and will be if done right (and I already put A LOT of thought into how to execute it properly!) - one of the most remarkable chapters of "Time & Again". It's been like that in my mind ever since I wrote the draft for the chapter. It's a daring experiment - and of course and selbstverständlich - it's not gonna be for everyone. It will not become your average comic read for your average relaxing after-work comic reading evening 😁

I've never talked about it before, but I always sketch the storyboard prior my work on the panels arrangement page by page in Inkscape, because I want to see the full picture and how the story unfolds as a whole. One could call it a rough draft of the entire chapter. Once I'm satisfied with my approximate storyboard sketch, I start to work on transferring my sketched ideas to Inkscape page by page, to create mock-ups as well as final arrangements. Of course, as I keep working on it, the things might get altered and/or swapped.

There are currently two primary objectives on my list of artistic things to work on for "Time & Again".

The first one is, of course, just keeping up working on the chapter itself. Since the storyboard is done, I will get to the panel and text arrangement as soon as my editor-in-chef returns back to me. Right on.

The second objective is revolved around a certain real life event that I am 85% prepared for already. Unfortunately, that objective includes a series of side quests that are advised to be completed in order to get the "total completionist" medal. Earlier I was thinking about releasing the "Clean Cut Editions" of all the previous chapters by the end of summer - but alas, trying to balance out all the activities, with the amount of work on Chapter 6 as well as some real life endeavours, I simply don't have time to finish it all up until the end of August. It's in my best interest though to prepare it by mid-October. Which clashes with my primary objective to work on Chapter 6 - and that chapter is already a witch's brew by default, let me tell you!.. But I'm trying to juggle with my time and resources as best as I could, so I foresee myself coming up with certain resolutions.

Check back often: a very exciting announcement is about to happen soon 😉

In the meantime, while my editor-in-chef is still working on ridding my script of shameful typos that I might've missed due to having to re-read and meticulously refine the same parts of the text 50 times in total until my focus and brain are both a mush, I will most likely start working on the cover artworks and promo arts. And the cover arts will contain references to a certain famous franchise that the readers with highly inquisitive minds have, indubitably, already noticed the hints at earlier 😉 (dammit internet, I cannot find the screenshots from neither Bloodborne or Dark Souls games that say "inquisitiveness ahead" although we've seen them numerous times when playing)

P.S. ... suddenly, it finally hit me: Oktoberfest is nearing. Which makes me wonder why, throughout all these years that I've spent with Lothar's presence in my life, I have never ever - not a single time, not once - drawn him all dressed up and excited about that traditional German festivity. Instead, for some reason I've grown really accustomed to drawing him Halloween-style numerous times. I even had an old artwork portraying him wearing a skeleton onesie in the company of Freia and Fjolvarr... which is very odd for him to say the least (not odd though considering how much I love mocking at that individual, because he deserves that, imo). Perhaps, the answer to that question lies ahead of us in Chapter 6, for it will shed light on Lothar's past and his peculiar relationship with his motherland. But canon or non-canon - I think that still might be a fun idea to draw something Oktoberfest oriented one of these years 😁🍻

P.P.S. Here, I did it: I made a new post within a reasonable timeframe. Das ist einfach schön ^.^ Now... only gotta post more artworks before this blog turns into a "text-only" endeavour 😅

#TimeAndAgainbyDWF #This Week In Time And Again #graphic novel

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baileyjane3769 · 6 months ago

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Original Copy is on Quotev, for a better viewing experience and chapter by chapter reading head on over to my Quotev page @BobbyWolf3769 or click the link here

***

When a game is over and all hidden things have been found, what is there left to do? Move on. That's what you would have liked to have done after finishing the disappointing secret ending of a popular otome game. But when the story is over, and all things were said and done, you find yourself trapped in that very game. Faced with the task to keep everyone alive, can you make it to the end without falling in love?

Long read ahead

Chapter Ten

Saturday Hangout

You didn’t realize that your phone was dead until you went to lay down in bed that Friday night. Having just exited the bathroom after completing your night time routine, you step into your room ready to get some much needed sleep, but it was your phone, that laid abandoned on your bedside table, that momentarily stopped you from doing so. ‘Oh, I guess I forgot about it.’ Picking up the device, you try and power it on but nothing happens. Assuming that it was dead, you plugged it into its power cord, and you were just gonna leave it at that but you had a feeling that you should power it on first.

Listlessly, you sat on your bed and waited for the device to power on, so that you could check your notifications. That only took a brief moment before your phone lit up with life, and slowly it rebooted. When the phone finally settled, and finished its reboot, you were shockingly overwhelmed with the number of notifications that you got. Most, if not all, of the texts were from Yuki; your entire notification bar was practically filled with them. She seemed to be going through various stages in her emotional state. Her first few messages were frantic and filled with concern, text after text expressing her worries and about why you weren’t responding, but comically enough, after her little concerned filled rant, she sent a message reading: “Wait, your phone is in the classroom. A teacher just came to collect it and your bag.”

The next text she sent wasn’t until hours later, after school ended, and you were in the hospital. She seemed calmer now, talking about how Akui said that you were probably busy in the hospital; her mother said not to bother you too much, and to leave you alone with your family. Basically the same things they said the last time you got hospitalized, but this time Yuki said she wanted to prepare a get well soon present for you. You felt bad because she was asking about what kind of candy you liked, as well as other things, and when you didn’t reply she said it was fine and that she would pick a few things that hopefully you liked. You didn’t mean to leave her hanging like that, but your phone became the least of your worries after everything that happened yesterday.

Feeling remorseful, you send her a quick text.

Sorry for not responding, my phone died at some point and I didn’t get your messages.

You were gonna leave it at that and go to bed, but the light ding sound that sounded from your phone notified you of a new text message. Yuki’s quick response surprised you.

It’s no worries!

I figured you would be busy after everything that you went through yesterday. I’m just glad you’re feeling better

You are feeling better, right?

Reading the words on the screen, you chuckled softly to yourself and wrote back.

Yes, I am doing better now. I feel sore all over but, hey, at least I am alive.

I got your present btw, that was really sweet of you. I can’t wait to try out some of the things you got me.

A few seconds after you responded your phone seemed to chirp alive with Yuki’s string of replies.

That’s great to hear!

I was super worried that I would pick something out that wasn’t to your liking

But I figured you could use a little present to feel better

And besides, who doesn’t like chocolate

Unless of course you don’t like chocolate, which is totally fine!

If you don’t like what I picked out then I can always get you something else

You couldn’t help but to lightheartedly laugh at Yuki’s long string of replies. Clearly, she was thinking too hard about this, if the continuous back and forth between her own messages had anything to do with it. Taking pity on her, you interrupt her rambolings with a quick text of your own.

Do you want to hang out tomorrow?

And thus you had plans to hang out with Yuki, and by extension Akui, the following day. It would be the first time you actually get to hangout with a friend, in this game, that wasn’t during school hours. Even though you knew you shouldn’t get too close with Yuki, in fear of provoking Akui’s wrath, you figured that it wouldn't hurt to be normal friends.

The next morning you didn’t sleep in for as long as you did the day before, you had plans for the day after all. After going through your regular morning routine, you made your way to the kitchen where you knew your mother would most likely be. As you predicted, your mother was in the kitchen plating three trays of food; looks like she was back to cooking a more traditional Japanese breakfast.

“Hey, Mom,” you said, impishly drawing out your words.

Unamused, your mother, not even bothering to look up, replied saying, “What do you want, Y/n?”

Fainting hurt, you squeezed your shirt over the area where you heart was, pretending as if you had a pang go through it. “Oof! My own mother, accusing me of having an agenda! I am wounded, hurt, betrayed even!” You dramatically lead against the door frame, hand over your forehead. “I think I might faint.”

Your mother either scoffed or laughed, maybe in between of both, and turned to you, crossing her arms over her chest. “Mmhm, well if you really don’t have an agenda, what can I help you with?” she said with a playful quirk of her lips.

Straightening up, you go up to your mother with the best puppy-dog eyes you could muster up and ask, “Can I go out into town to hang out with my friend…s” You dragged out having to add the ‘s’ at the end of ‘friends’ because you didn’t necessarily feel comfortable counting Akui as a friend, and you doubt you ever will, but you mother needed to know that you were hanging out with more than one person.

The playful look dropped from your mother’s face. “Go out? But it’s only been a day since your attack, maybe you should give it a bit more time before you try and go out,” she said, voice laced with concern.

‘Ack, this is why I tried playing it off. I knew she would be hesitant to let me go,’ you thought to yourself. ‘But I already made plans with Yuki, I can’t just let this day go to waste.’ “I feel better now, I promise, and we aren’t doing anything crazy, just walking around the park,” you said, trying to persuade her.

“I understand that you might feel better now, but that can always change later in the day,” your mother countered. “I don’t want you overdoing it.”

“The park is not that far away, and there are plenty of benches to rest on.”

“What if you get hungry later on? What will you eat? And I don’t mean that convenience store junk.”

“I can use my allowance money to pay for a nicer meal at a cafe or something.”

“Wha-what if someone tries to snatch you!”

“Mom, my friend has a black belt in judo.”

Your mother huffed bitterly, leaning against the counter. “You really want to go?” she finally said, apprehensively rubbing the nape of her neck.

Leaning against the same counter alongside her, you said, “Yeah, I really do.”

She hung her head and sighed. “All right,” she said, lifting her head back up. “You can go, but, please, please, promise me that you will be careful.”

Looking her dead in the eye, you replied, “I promise.”

She huffed again, realizing that you were dead serious, and turned back to the food. “Well, okay then. Go get your father, he’s out back in the garden, and be quick. I don’t want the food to get cold.”

“I’m on it.”

The plans you had made for the park weren’t until later on in the day, between twelve and one p.m. is what you both agreed on. So after breakfast you spent most of the time getting ready, packing the most essential things that you would need, including sunscreen, a reusable water bottle, a first aid kit, your wallet, sunglasses, a small sunhat, a portable phone charger, and of course your phone. You also had a smaller handbag that held your brush, deodorant, lotion, hair ties, and hand sanitizer. All of it was packed neatly into a small backpack along with a thin jacket, and with that you were ready to go. “Wait, I need to get dressed.” Scratch that, you still had one more thing to do.

Rummaging through your closet, you needed to pick out an outfit that was appropriate for both the weather for today and for doing a lot of walking. You took a quick glance at your alarm clock and noted that you had less than an hour left before the appointed time. “Maybe I should match it with my cast,” you ponder out loud after taking a quick look at your green cast. It took you longer than you expected to find an outfit that you were happy with. The bright, almost neon, color of your cast would stand out against almost anything you wore, so you ended up wearing a lighter color of green overall shorts with an airy white blouse under it, pairing it with a pair of slightly bulky sneakers and long socks. Your favorite part of the whole look was the embroidered sunflower on the center pocket of the overalls.

Your head was still feeling a little tender, but you didn’t want to leave it all messy, so you did the barest minimum to tame it. “Hair is done, now do I want to put on makeup?” you said to yourself. You were sitting in front of your vanity mirror now. “Probably not,” you said after considering your forehead injury. It would be difficult working around it. You were about to call it done but a quick glance at your throat made you reconsider not putting on makeup. There was still a rather noticeable bruise that wrapped around your throat. It had yellowed a bit since yesterday, meaning it was healing, but you still felt self conscious about it.

Grabbing your concealer and foundation, you gently applied the products; doing your best to cover the blemish. After that was applied, you then patted on a setting powder to reduce the risk of it rubbing off. That was the last thing you needed to do, and then you were done.

Not long after you got done getting ready, the doorbell rang, and your mother yelled from downstairs that she would get it. Knowing that your parents weren’t expecting any guests, your first assumption was that Yuki was already here. With that in mind you rushed to grab all your belongings that you planned to take with you and hurriedly made your way down the stairs.

The first sight to greet you as you did so was your mother cheerfully chatting it up with Yuki and Akui. The outfit that Yuki decided on was a slightly oversized steel blue t-shirt, brown shorts, and brown hiking boots. You would have thought that you were the only one who looked overdressed, but then you looked over at Akui. He had on slim dark jeans, a black v-neck shirt, a denim jacket, and his honey brown hair was neatly combed down.

Now all of this isn’t to say that the two of you were wearing anything fancy, honestly, both of your outfits were pretty casual for an outing in the park, and if anything Yuki was the one who looked out of place with how underdressed she was, but despite her overly simplistic way of dressing she still found some way look radiant. Either way, the three of you were, hopefully, going to have a good time.

At your entrance, Yuki was quick to notice you and hurriedly made her way over. “L/n-chan, hi! Are you ready to go?” she asked excitedly.

While you couldn’t exactly mirror Yuki’s excitement, you still happily nodded your head along with her. “Of course, I am all packed and ready to go.”

“Wonderful! I was just telling your Mom all about what we have planned for today.”

At her words, your mother lightly laughed from her place by the door. “Yes, she has. I think it’s wonderful that my Y/n has such an enthusiastic friend.” Turning to Akui, she added, “And of course it was also nice to meet Akui-san, too. A lovely gentleman, who someone conveniently forgot to tell me was a boy.” She spoke that last part quietly through tight lips, giving you a slightly pointed look. At her expression, you seemed to have found something interesting on the opposite wall. “Anyways, I best not keep you for long. I wouldn't want to waste away your day,” your mother spoke again, holding the door open for your group.

“We’ll be on our way then. It was lovely meeting you, L/n-san,” Akui says as he bows politely to your mother. A bow Yuki hurriedly replicated before she and Akui exited from your house.

As you were about to follow them, your mother stopped you. “Now remember,” she began. “You promised me that you would be careful. I don’t want you wonder off on your own, don’t forget to take your medicine, don’t forget to change your bandage, and make sure--”

“Make sure I call you every hour, I know Mom,” you said, cutting your mother off. “Please don’t worry, Mom, I’ll be fine. I gotta go now, love you,” you say, walking out of the door.

“I love you too.”

“Bye Dad! I love you!” You shout into the house before you actually leave.

“Love you too, be safe!” You hear your father call back, poking his head out from the kitchen where he was making lunch for him and your mother.

“I will!” you call back before making your way outside.

Yuki and Akui were patiently waiting for you at the end of the driveway. When you caught up with them, the three of you began the relatively short trek to the park. The whole way there, Yuki was constantly talking about anything and everything she could think of with the main goal in mind being to get to know you better. Conversations about: favorite colors, are you a dog person or a cat person, the shows that you are watching. Funny enough, at one point there was a rather ‘heated’ conversation about whether pineapple belongs on pizza.

Maybe it was Yuki’s extroverted influence, but you found yourself enjoying the conversations that you had and began to discover things about the two that you didn’t know of before. Like how Yuki and Akui have known each other since the second grade, how Yuki loved the smell of rain, and that Akui used to play the cello. You took most of what Akui said about himself with a grain of salt, knowing full well that he could be lying to you about several things, but there were some things that Yuki was able to testify for, the cello playing being one of them.

It didn’t feel like it took that long to arrive at the park, the joyful conversations that the three of you shared had managed to serve as a good distraction. In the game there were many instances when Yuki would go to the park either to look for clues or to hang out with a love interest, but the tiny picture on a phone screen does not do the actual thing any justice. The park was way bigger than you expected with a large lake off to the side, a children's playground in another corner, and several paths that led all around the area and into the surrounding forest.

“Oh wow, we’re here already!” Yuki happily exclaimed, practically jumping with joy. “It looks the same as I remember. Oh! Minato-kun, look, look!” She gently grabbed his forearm and leaned over to point at the children’s playground, unaware of his red tinted face. “That’s where we used to play as kids! Ah, I have so many fond memories,” Yuki said while staring blissfully at the playground.

“Yeah, I remember…” Akui quietly spoke. It looked like he was about to reach up and put his hand over hers, but before he could do so she retracted her and went up to you.

“You grew up here, too, right? It’s such a shame we didn’t know each other as kids.”

You were caught off guard by the sudden statement, forgetting for a moment that technically you were born here. “Yeah, it is a shame. I was a very quiet kid, and I didn’t go out much,” you said, nervously stretching your cheek.

“You must have been really introverted then, L/n-san, I don’t think I really noticed you until we entered high school,” Akui suddenly spoke up. “It was almost like you were completely invisible.” It was meant to be a light hearted joke, but something about the way he said it unnerved you.

You laughed nervously, trying to seem unfazed. “Heh, yeah, I guess I kind of was.” ‘Come to think of it,’ you thought to yourself. ‘My classmates have yet to give me the impression that I was friends with any of them. All sorts of classmates have voiced their concerns for me since my accident, but none of them acted like we were in any way close friends. Do I really not have any friends here?’

“Oh hey! Check that out,” Yuki’s sudden exclamation quickly brought you out of your daze. “They’re selling bug boxes over there, we should go buy some,” she said, pointing in the direction of a nearby store that seemed to sell many warm weather commodities. “It would be just like when we were kids.”

Seeing no problem with it, you and Akui agreed with the idea which is how your little group found yourselves rummaging through the forest, looking for any bugs that might be cool to look at. Yuki seemed happy to act like a kid again, running around and aweing at many things. With her she carried a small bug box with a blue lid and wielded a short butterfly net. Akui seemed content just watching Yuki happily prance around, as well as occasionally stopping to point out any new finds. He had a small bug box with a green lid, but he did not carry a net with him. You didn’t really know what to do so you just followed the other two around. The most interesting thing to you was the many varieties of flowers that you have never seen before. You didn’t really plan on using it much, but you did have a bug box in your favorite color slinged over your chest.

It took maybe thirty minutes or so before the three of you actually found a bug of interest. “Look guys!” Yuki eagerly said, holding up her box. “Look what I found.” Inside the small plastic box was a decent sized stag beetle, sitting atop of a few leaves that Yuki threw in there. “Isn’t he cool looking?”

“Yeah, he is,” said Akui.

“Oh, cool. I’ve never seen one up close before,” you say with a twinkle of wonder in your eyes.

“What’re you gonna name him, Yuki?”

Seemingly taking the question very seriously, Yuki looked to be pondering very hard with her eyes closed and everything. “I got it!” she suddenly said. “His name shall be Fuji. Fuji the stag beetle.”

“Why Fuji?” Akui asked.

“Because he is the biggest stag beetle I have ever seen. It only makes sense to name him after the tallest mountain I have ever seen.”

“But isn’t Mt. Everest technically the tallest mountain?”

“Hush, Minato-kun, let me have this.”

You leaned over with your hands on your knees to get a better look at Fuji. “What are you gonna do with him?”

“Huh,” Yuki hummed in thought. “I don’t know, maybe I’ll keep him in my bedroom.”

“Keep him?” You asked, perplexed. “You can’t keep him, Kobayashi-chan.”

“What? Why not?” Yuki asked in bewilderment.

“Because he belongs out here, this is his home,” you replied.

“But my home could also become his home,” Yuki said, with a pleading look.

You took a moment to think about what you were gonna say next, remembering a similar situation happening when you were younger. “Do you know how to take care of a stag beetle?”

“No…”

“Do you have the right materials that the beetle needs?”

“No…”

“Then do you really think it’s a good idea to take little Fuji home?”

“Bu-but, but Mom I love him!” Yuki comedically cried, holding the little box closer to her person.

You released a sigh of relief, glad she wasn’t actually upset. “I know you love him, but sometimes if you love something you have to let it go,” you say, playing along with her. ‘I was afraid I was being mean there.’

After the bug was set free, and Yuki said her tearful goodbyes, the three decided it was time to have lunch, all that talking and exploring made you all hungry. As promised, you ended up stopping at a little hole in the wall restaurant. There was a small ramen stand that Yuki first suggested, but you knew that your mother wouldn’t be too pleased to hear that, so you kept looking until you all came across this place. The restaurant was quaint, with its entrance being in an alleyway, but also had a homely feel to it.

You ended up ordering the tonkatsu sandwich, which was basically a fried and breaded pork cutlet sandwich. Akui got a simple curry rice while Yuki got a fruit parfait, saying how she didn’t feel like eating anything savory right now. You also got a dessert for yourself as well, the vendor said that it was cherry blossom season, and sakura mochi was very popular, so you ordered some for yourself.

You had just finished eating and paid for your meal when Yuki said that she was hungrier than she thought and wanted to order something small. The thing is, the restaurant here had a policy against people sticking around after their meal was finished and paid for, which meant that you couldn’t stay in the building, understandable. The restaurant was pretty small.

It was Akui who suggested that he would wait for Yuki, seeing as he hasn’t paid yet, and you would be waiting outside by the door. The arrangement left you feeling uneasy, and wondering why Yuki even needed to be babysat, but you chalked it up to Akui always wanting to be near Yuki, like the creep he was.

After collecting your belongings, with Yuki assuring you that she would be quick, you went to push aside the curtain that temporarily acted as a door to the establishment, so that you could leave. As you did so, you wordlessly locked eyes for a brief moment with those of a familiar scuffed up looking boy, as he and his group of friends, also looking beaten up, quickly fled past the door to leave the alley. All the while cursing the name ‘Matsumura.’

‘Wait, wasn’t that Akira?’ you thought to yourself as you leaned around the corner to try and catch another glimpse of his fleeing figure. ‘If that really was him then doesn’t that mean…’ Momentarily forgetting the promise you made to your mother, you quietly walked to the other end of the alley where that group of boys, delinquents, came from.

That end led out into another back alley, this one more dark and secluded than where you came from. It seemed like the perfect place for a bunch of delinquent boys to get into trouble.

Peaking around the corner, you had to quickly cover your mouth in order to prevent a loud gasp from escaping. Hunched over and leaning against a wall was a heaving Matsumura Ryōta, looking worse for wear. Clearly, he had just gotten into a scrimmage with that group of boys, and from the looks of it he had won. He didn’t come out unscathed, however. The blood and newly forming bruises on his knuckles were clear to see, even from your distance. He was half way turned away from you, so you were only able to see the left side of his face and didn’t know the full extent of his injuries, but you could clearly see a bloodied lip and a bruise forming by his eye.

As far as you could tell he hasn’t noticed you yet, which gives you time to decide on your next course of action. ‘Should I go up to him? I mean, I do have a first aid kit in my bag, but would he think that’s weird? We haven’t even met--’ you paused. ‘Wait no, we did meet. He saved my life, and I never got the chance to thank him properly. I should at least offer him the same courtesy.’ Thinking you have your mind made up, you were about to enter the alleyway but paused again. ‘But wait, I promised Mom that I wouldn’t wander off and get into trouble. If I go over there then I am doing exactly that.’ You were now stuck debating with your own inhibitions. ‘But he’s not a bad person, I know that for a fact, so technically I’m not getting into trouble, but I would still be wandering off on my own.’

Before you could make up your mind, Ryōta heaved out an exhausted sigh and stood up. He wiped away the blood from his lip with the back of his hand and started to walk away, taking with him your opportunity to thank him. ‘It’s now or never,’ you panicky think to yourself before fully stepping into the alley.

“Uhm, excuse me, uh--”

Ryōta pauses mid step with his back facing you.

“Matsumura-kun, right?”

Turning around to fully face you, you were immediately captivated by his ruby red eyes and left speechless.

“What do you want?”

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