#it’s funny if they meet up and Dally goes ‘so you’re one of them damn confederates’ and Steve goes ‘no do you literally see us running away

[c0wch-eee]

So close to writing an outsiders au where it happened in the 1860s instead of the 1960s and the gang are all runaways trying to get out of the civil war draft (Ponyboy tags along) who met at a port and decided to become pirates together

[hey-sunshines]

Preference for them proposing? Also if you don’t mind I would love if you could include Tim, Curly, Angela and Cherry. It’s alright if you don’t want to write the lesbian relationships, I get some peeps aren’t comfy with that. Happy pride tho!

OOOOO I’ve been thinking about this for awhile so thank you for giving me a reason to post this!

As far as the lesbian relationships, I don’t mind writing for them at all! All for all kinds of love! But for full disclosure, I am a straight CIS gendered female and I’ve only been in a relationship with a man, so if there is some nuances that I don’t get/understand, please let me know. I want to learn about the LGBT+ so I can support them fully!

Darry: He would propose with his mom’s ring. Of course, Soda and Pony wanted it too, but Soda and Pony came to the same conclusion that after all of the years that Darry gave up his own live to take care of his brothers (like going to post-secondary or having any real life of his own), it was the only way that Soda and Pony could really pay him back. I don’t think he would date that much the first year or two after his parents died, as he’s so worried about getting things right with taking care of his brothers and doesn’t want them taken away. He is also nervous about finding someone to understand his situation. He probably wouldn’t want to get married until Pony is off at university at least. Since he didn’t have to save up for a ring, he saved up a little for the wedding itself and for a nice dinner at a fancy restaurant. He always tried his best to give you nice things/take you out to nice meals, but money was tight and it didn’t happen often. But he was going to make this night special and make you feel like the Queen you are in his eyes. He wears a nice suit, picks up a bouquet of your favourite flowers and goes to pick you up at  your place. He is so shy and jumpy the whole dinner, although he knows  you’ll say yes (getting married was something you two have talked about before, because Darry likes a game plan/hates surprises) he’s still nervous to ask. You know he’s off his game, but you can’t  pinpoint what’s wrong and you know he’ll tell you when he’s ready. The whole dinner goes smoothly, with candles and flowers on the table. Right before the dessert arrives, Darry gets down on one knee. He gives this speech about how much he loves you and how you’ve made him a better person, especially over the last few years, and how he wants to spend the rest of his life growing  together. He struggles to get through parts of it because he’s stuttering/rushing through parts of it because he’s so nervous.

Soda: Soda wouldn’t wait as long to get into the dating game as Darry (although he does take some time after Sandy), but he does wait until Pony is done school to propose, as he makes it when he says he wants help Darry out with the bills. He was not as well planned out as Darry. He still wants/tries to make it romantic, but Darry is the type of person to plan things out and Soda is not. He goes and buys as best of a ring as he can afford and proposes that same night. He takes you to the place that you first met, he picks some flowers from a field near by and when he gets on one knee, he talks about wanting to go on adventures with you for the rest of his life.

Pony: I always imagine he meets someone while away at university/college and that he proposes at graduation/the graduation party that the gang. He wants to make both of your special days even more special and wants to share the moment with the people he loves most in the world. He spends a lot of time picking out a ring and planning the perfect proposal. He talks to your best friend to find out the type of rings/jewelry you like, so that he can get something that you like. He writes out a long speech of what he wants proposes. He practices with Soda and Darry for months because he is a little cinnamon bun who wants to make the proposal as perfect and as romantic as possible. (I can just see Darry and Soda rolling their eyes by the end of the month because they’re so tired of hearing him practice). Darry and Soda go all out decorating the place to make it look nice, telling the rest of the gang and you that it’s for the graduation party, but it’s really for the proposal. They even convince the gang to look presentable, because “this is a graduation party, you idiots, I know you haven’t been to one before, but look like you have.” Darry helps Pony look his best beforehand, helping him with his tie and such and Soda gets the camera ready, because he’ll be damned if he isn’t going to put the proposal picture on the wall next to Pony’s graduation pictures. It ends up going just who Pony plans it and he gets his whole speech out perfectly, despite Two-bit and Dally heckling a little towards the end of his very long speech.

Two Bit: He ends up getting his younger sister to help him pick out the ring, because he isn’t the best at jewelry. He takes you to see a funny movie on a Saturday night. He isn’t drunk by the end of the night like he usually is, because he wants to make the night special and remember this moment for the rest of his life. He makes promises to you to improve when it comes to drinking and makes jokes all the way throughout his proposal. But when he actually got to asking you the question, he’s the serious he’s ever been.

Steve: He tries to act cool and nonchalant about the whole thing, but really he is soooo nervous. Soda had to hype him up before he goes out to propose to you. He tries to make the proposal very personal, talking about all his happiest memories with you leading up to proposing to you. He got Soda to help print off a bunch of pictures from throughout your relationship so that he could frame them and put them around the room for when he proposes. 

Dallas: He proposes with one of his own rings, as he wants you to wear a piece of him always. yes it’s more manly ring, but it meant a lot to him and to you. He doesn’t make a big deal about the proposal, as he’s not as into romance as some of the others are. It’s not that he doesn’t want to make it special, but romance and gushy stuff doesn’t come naturally. He proposed in bed after sex and cuddling together. Think My Big Fat Greek Wedding style. He barries his face in the blankets after asking because he’s blushing so hard and doesn’t want you to see. He’s so excited when you say yes, that he doesn’t  let you go all night. 

Johnny: He’s so sweet and a little cinnamon bun. He takes the day off work and decorates the apartment with fairy lights and tea candles and flowers and flower petals. He makes you a nice dinner. He cleans himself up, slicks back his hair, and puts on his nicest cloths. He’s so nervous when you get home and see the decorations. You gush over it, but also start asking if you forgot something (”is it our anniversary? “is it one of our birthday”). But he just kept saying that he just wanted to make you feel special. When he finally got to asking you, he stutters and kept saying he doesn’t deserve you, but he loves you and wants to do everything he can to deserve you. You have to tell him multiple times that he does deserve you and you’re lucky to have him.

Tim: Like Dallas, he gives you one of his rings and doesn’t make a huge deal about it. He talks about it with his brother and sister for a little bit beforehand though because he is nervous. He takes you for a drive out to hill to watch the sunset and ask you while sitting in the car watching the sunset.

Curly. He hadn’t planned it and he hadn’t bought a ring, although he did genuinely want to marry you . You two were arguing. You were pushing him to take your relationship the next level/for him to take your relationship more seriously because you two had been dating for like 5 or 6 years and were tired of not moving forward. He finally yelled out “fine, lets get married” at which point there’s like 30 seconds of silence. You two go together the next day to get the ring.

Angela: She bought a basic ring, as neither of you were flashy people. She wasn’t sure when she would propose, so she carried the ring with her for awhile, just in case the perfect moment came up. Eventually it did, when the two of you were star gazing and the conversation turned to the future and you were talking about all the things you wanted to do. When you asked her what she wanted to do, she said, “I don’t know exactly what but I do know that I wanted to do it with you” bringing out the ring and proposing to you.

Cherry: Because she’s from a wealthier family, she had bought a really nice ring and teken you for a nice weekend vacation resort. THe day is planned out perfectly with romantic events, such as boat rides and swimming. It is topped off with a sunset horseback ride along a trail that ended on top of a large hill/small mountain. She brought a picnic dinner with flowers and the works (well as much as she can fit on a horse if that makes sense). She finally asks you after you two have finished eating and watching the sunset, cuddling up on the blanket together. 

[angelfiume]

Mouth Like A Sailor Part 1

Hey so I have no idea how to publish a fanfic on tumblr besides just putting it up like this so hopefully this goes well.  I was posting on qoutev but it kept crashing my computer so tumblr it is.

Marlena Curtis May 1965 5 months before    "I hope all of you will take this summer to exercise your minds... You wouldn't want to go into your senior year with a head full of nothing, would you?"  Mr. Mays shouted at the class, he wasn't angry, just obnoxiously loud.  I looked across the room at my brother's best friend, Steve, hoping to have someone to smile with or pass a note too, but he obviously was not interested and instead was tracing the hand of a short girl with bobbed hair.  She was giggling as he made ugly monster claws out of her manicured fingers, it was kind of sweet honestly.  I sighed and leaned back in my chair, looking around the room for anyone else that might be alright with me.  Mr. Mays voice quieted as he saw no one really cared about his speech on polishing the young mind, he resulted to letting us free for the rest of the period.  I rested my head on my arms and decided to spend the class just sleeping instead of awkwardly trying to make conversation with the dry, ginger soc next to me.  She seemed like she wasn't very interested anyways.    The bell rung two minutes in to my daydream, which couldn't have made me happier, I jumped out of my seat and yanked my bag with me out the door.  Finally I could just do jack-shit and paint my nails instead of listening to the same monotone creeps lecture for hours and hours.  I nearly ran down the hallway towards my friends, Sophie and Jean, they were talking fast and smiled big when they saw me running down to see them.    "MARLI, tell your brother you're gonna be at my house tonight baking cookies or some sweet shit, Gene Vincent is gonna be at Sophie's cousin's bar tonight in Oklahoma City!  Her cousin said we can all get in no sweat."  Jean said, she was so excited her heavy eyeliner was creasing from smiling so wide.       

  "Holy shit, Sophie did your cousin really say we can go?  How much money?" I asked with a small twinge in my stomach, the past few months have been pretty tough on my wallet, I really wanted all my money to go into my younger brother's secret college fund.   

 "None baby!  That's a perk of having friends with connections, just pitch in two bucks or so for gas, my daddy is letting me take the Malibu, ain't that exciting?" Sophie cooed, she had this soft voice that could have sounded polite even if she was telling you where it seemed your head was stuck.  She was   rich too, man her family did well.  But she was still my friend, because she didn't care if I lived in a hollowed out coat closet my brother set up for me, she didn't believe in the social class war going on.    

  "I'm in man!  I'll tell Darry I'm going to have a sleepover with ya'll, he won't ask questions, he's too wrapped around the axel with Soda right now."  I grinned at them and listened quietly to the rest of their chatter.  They could get awful excited about something real fast, it was damn cute.     

 We walked out to Jean's boyfriends car, he was a doll, always chauffeuring her and her friends around Tulsa.  Speaking of the devil, Tommy came sprinting down the concrete steps and bear-hugged tiny Jean, making her scream and laugh.  

    "Hello sweetheart, ready to be done with the bullshit for a whole 2 months?" he was another one of those guys that seems to really just shout instead of talk, he nodded to Sophie and I and smiled nicely, "ya'll hangin' or goin' home?" 

   "I can stay a little, we're supposed to be in the City by 9 and we gotta leave at 7 or so.." Sophie chirped    

   "Just straight home for me, thanks, I gotta make an appearance so Darry doesn't get suspicious"  I knew full well that he would expect the worst if I never showed up at home.    I jumped down from Tommy's pick- up and yelled to Jean I would be at her house at 630.  I smoothed out my black corduroy skirt and re-tucked the ratty pink shirt I had owned since 9th grade.  My sneakers crunched down the gravel covering the alley behind my house as I walked towards the backward, where I heard my brother and their friends.  Not even the whole gang was there, but it was still loud as hell.     

          "Hey Marls how was the last day of school?  I  miss anything important?" laughed Two-bit, the rusty haired boy lay lazily on our back steps.      

           "Ha, it was fine, you didn't miss anything important.  Just that Mark guy offered me a whole year supply of marijuana if I would flash the principal at the assembly this morning"  I told him as I took a carton out of my bra and lit a smoke, I giggled a little when I saw him cock an eyebrow.  The nimrod probably thought I went through with it.     

           "So ya did it right?"  Demanded a bored looking Dallas Winston.  He sat next to my twin Soda, who was laughing quietly to himself, he probably knew I was too much of a wimp to leave school one some crazy note like that.   

           "Nah," I took a long drag, "I could get that shit for free by just winking at some of the squares in this town... But anyways, where did Darry go?  He working late or something?"   

           "No, he should be home in ten minutes or so, you gonna bail soon?" Soda asked   

            "Around 6ish I'm going over to Jean's, Sophie and I are gonna spend the night with her."  I told him without much worry, I was used to making up white lies at this point, Soda would likely not even care that I was going into the big city tonight, maybe he'd even think it was tuff I was sneaking off to a high class bar with my socy friends.   

             "Ain't Jean that middle-class broad with the giant jugs?" Dally half-joked, it was almost a long running gag that we had, since he couldn't make a move on me, being three of the gangs' sister, he has always tried his best to get at my friends.    I just rolled my eyes and took another drag of my cigarette, lettings the boys' conversation go this way and that and just listen.  That's kinda been my go-to lately, when my mom and dad died three months ago I lost a lot of my talkative edge.  Shit it's been three months already... I pushed my body lightly off of the side of the house and dragged myself inside.  My room really was just a scraped out coat closet.  I ain't gonna complain too bad about it though, Darry really did make it alright and it wasn't even too small of a closet to begin with.  Hell, if we were able to fit my little mattress and even my record player I bought when I was 11, it can't have been that bad.  My stomach was beginning to feel a little green, I had been smoking like a chimney since I got home, and my room ain't too breezy so that tobacco stench really liked to hang around.   

           "Marlena?" I heard my oldest brother knocking at my door, he opened it and immediately looked a little peeved, "Oh lordy!  Did ya just set a whole carton of marbolos on fire?  It's a goddamn wildfire in here, you keep smoking like this and I'm gonna have to start checking what you buy at the store now, ya dig?"    

           "Yeah, I know.  Hey Darry?"  I said, without the slightest intention of cutting down on my habit, "I'm gonna go to Jean's tonight, Sophie will be there too, that cool?"    "That's fine" he said walking back to the kitchen.  I followed him out and just followed suit, he got a glass of water, I got one too.  We didn't even talk the whole time,  he's kinda been quiet lately too.  When our parents died in that accident everyone took on a different kind of burden, but sometimes I think Darry feels like he took the whole load, and maybe that's why he's so damn stressed. Coming home from the funeral with my brothers felt like I had just taken a few strangers from the graveyard and said "you'll do."  Darry used to be that real fun, hilarious older brother.  We used to go out all the time and just talk about everything.  We would talk about how mom was a little too harsh sometimes on people and that it was pretty funny that dad would just push her buttons when she would get annoyed by the little things.  My youngest brother, Ponyboy, well he just downright terrifies me the way their deaths changed him.  He didn't use to be so dreamy all the time, he always had a big imagination, but this time it's different, he tried to follow mom and dad's souls up to heaven and got stuck somewhere between space and the East Side.  Sodapop though, he seemed to take it the healthiest, he wasn't shy about bawling and howling like an idiot at the funeral.  He had to express how he felt, so he did.  But one thing that did change was the side of him people usually forgot about started to rear its ugly head just a little more every once in a while.  Soda is charming and nice, but he's also reckless and clumsy and he won't look before he just starts running.  I'm not trying to  but my brothers in  a bad light though, I certainly haven't been perfect since the accident either.

             Jean's dad was in the army, and her mom was a nurse, so they got along pretty okay.  She wasn't by any means rich, but she surely never had a shortage of cash by the end of the month.  Her house was just a quick bus ride from my neighborhood, it was two stories, well kept, and all the bathrooms were pink.  I knocked on the door and not even a second later it was the bermuda triangle of "can you answer that?" between her and her parents.  It was her mom who came to the door, she was a real neat lady.  Joan's mom was actually real tough, she had a hard life as a kid and she don't have the easiest job in the world.

    "Hello Marls!  Don't you look like a doll tonight?"  She smiled up at me, I am pretty tall for a girl and I usually tower over most ladies I meet. 

   "Thank-you Mrs. Massey, it's just my school clothes, but I figured it would be alright for tonight, ha," I tried my best to sound like a nice girl, but she was just so damn down to earth I really don't think she'd judge me too harsh.  She let me in and walked me all the way to Jean's room, asking about my brothers and if Pony was proud of himself that he came in 2nd at his last track meet.  It was nice talking to a mom.

      Jean popped up from the floor when I walked in, "You ready to leave soon?  I just gotta find my lipstick and Sophie will be here soon, we're gonna get burgers at Dairy Queen on the way out of  town, my mom gave me food money if any of us need."  she spoke briskly and with a butt-load of excitement. 

   "Yeah I'm all set" I giggled quietly as she threw tubes of makeup to the floor trying to find her token lipstick. She got it and we tumbled down the stairs just as Sophie was pulling up to the house.

[staygoldponebone]

Sweater Weather

Part Twenty Seven

"Hey, Ang. Where's your brother?"

"Which one?"

"Which one you think?"

She looked at Dally in disgust. "His room."

Dally headed back to Tim's bedroom. He had a girl over.

Dally went over to the bed and kicked the side of it. The couple looked up. "Yeah, hi." He looked at the girl and smirked, then turned to Tim. "What the hell're you doing?"

"What the hell're you doing?!" Tim exclaimed.

"We were supposed to meet at Buck's for the poker game, dumbass."

"What poker game?!"

Dally raised his eyebrows, then turned to the doorway where Angela stood, giving her a look of disbelief. "What the hell do you mean what poker game?! Do you know what day it is?!"

Angela pulled Dally outta the room, then closed the bedroom door. "What're you doing?" She asks, sounding disgusted.

"There's a fall poker game! Whoever wins, gets all the beer they want for the night! We play every year!" Dally explains.

"Well, sorry, but your boyfriend can't go with you due to the damage that the cops gave him. I told him he's on bed rest, 'til I figure somethin' out."

"And he listens to you?"

"You bet your ass he does."

Dally sighed, looking past Angela. "Where's Curly?"

Angela shrugged. "It's three o'clock. He could be anywhere."

"You think he'd wanna go play poker?"

"With you?" Angela laughed. "That's funny."

Dally glared at her. "Fine. I guess I'm leaving, then." He headed for the door.

"Hey, wait!"

"What?" Dally spat, turning around.

"Where's Johnny?"

He shrugged.

"Seriously?"

"Yeah." He shrugged.

"I thought he was one of your friends!"

"He is, but I don't keep tabs on him!"

Angela sighed. "Will you take me to his house?"

"What's in it for me?"

"The satisfaction of knowing you helped dear Angela Shepard." She smiled.

With his eyebrows pulled together, Dally rolled his eyes. "Fine. Let's go."

They went out the door, then they got into his car. Angela did so cautiously. She made a face at the inside of the messy car. "You need to clean this thing." Angela flicked at an empty pack of cigarettes, noticing the underwear in the floorboard. She also saw shoes. They were Sylvia's.

Angela made a face. "C'mon, Ang. Let's go." Dally states. He noticed what she was looking at. He rolled his eyes, throwing the shoes in the backseat and the underwear in the glove box. "Get in."

She did. Cautiously. Very cautiously. "Will you do me a favor?" She asks.

"I'm already doin' you a favor." He started to back out of the driveway.

"I meant, can you keep a secret?"

"Depends on the secret."

They were now speeding down the road.

"It's about Sandy." Angela said.

Dally rolled his eyes. "Is this about the father of her kid? Because Sylvia talks about that all the damn time."

"Yeah...but I actually know who it is."

Dally glanced at her. "Who is it?...not that I give a shit about who Sandy's doin'."

"It's my brother..." Angela whispered, her voice disappearing into the air.

"Tim?!"

"No...."

"Curly?!"

Angela nodded slowly.

"You're fuckin' with me! It can't be Curly's!"

"It's not hard for a guy to get a girl pregnant."

Dally stopped the car, jerking the two of them forward. "You're tellin' me, Curly's gonna have a kid?"

"Yeah..."

"Soda's gonna beat his ass when he finds-"

"He already knows."

Dally glared, then turned the car around and headed for the DX.

"Where're we going?!" Angela shrieked.

"To go see Soda." Dally answers.

He parked his car in two parking places at the DX. Steve saw him and smiled. "Hey, Dal! What's goin'-"

"Where's Soda?"

"Uh, inside. Is everything alri-"

"You know who the-"

"Shut up! We made a deal!" Angela screamed.

Steve looked at the two suspiciously. They glared back.

Dally pushed him. "Move."

Dally and Angela made their way into the DX. Soda was standing behind the counter, talking to an old woman about her car. Dally pushed her. "What the fuck, Curtis!"

Soda looked from Dally, to Angela, to the old woman. "I'll be with you shortly. I'm very sorry." Soda tells the woman.

She glared at Dally, then smacked him with her purse. She started walking away and he pushed her. "Dally!" Angela scolded. "She's like 100 years old!"

"She hit me."

Angela rolled her eyes while Dally looked back at Soda. "Are you still with Sandy?" He spat.

"Uh, yeah. I know I was upset for a while, but we talked and everything's gonna be al-"

"You know about Curly, right?"

Soda's smiling face went away. He sighed, walking around the counter to find the old lady. "I gotta go."

"Cool! Let's go see Johnny now!" Angela says, going to the door.

Dally didn't follow. He stood glaring at Soda. "What happens when she's gone, Soda? Huh? What happens when she goes back to Curly?"

"She's not goin' back to Curly! So get the hell out!" Soda replied.

"I oughta..." Dally balled up his fists, but Steve put a hand on his shoulder.

"It's not gonna do any good, Dal." Steve said softly.

Dally kept glaring, lowering his fists. He turned around and pushed Steve's hand away. "Don't touch me." He went out the door.

~ ~ ~ ~

@salladwinston @sunique2005 @omni-hamiltrash @darrycurtisappreciation @mushrooms-iscat @yawannaseewhatshangingbaby @mocurlyshepard @hufflepuffpridedude @scarybutgay @visualranch @ponyboyvhs @littlebitobsessed80

[mattpayton]

Matt Payton’s Best Of 2018 Brought To You By MoviePass

Thank you for helping to make 2018 a huge success for all of us here at MoviePass, a company that is definitely housed in some sort of building with desks and not some trust fund kid running this thing from a Panera Bread before going to a court-ordered rehab program every morning!

When we heard Matt Payton was making his annual best-of lists for 2018 we thought this was a great partnership opportunity and told him we would be handling all the write ups this year. Technically this counts toward our 6,000 hours of community service that we owe after accidentally blowing up the scooter factory we were interning at, so let us all take a moment to reflect on the joys of giving back.

Let’s see some of his favorite releases from the past year, shall we? We only ask that you refrain from looking at this until March, as this is considered “peak list time” and it will cost an additional $14.95 a minute. We apologize for any inconvenience but sometimes we have to make hard decisions to keep offering you so many lists per month that you definitely want to read and have heard of!

MATT’S FAVORITE ALBUMS OF 2018

1. Cloud Nothings Last Building Burning

This album is a supercharged loud burst of frustrated energy that sounded great over our speakers until the repo man came in and loaded them into his truck. He called back later to say that the whole album slaps in between tirades asking us how we sleep at night. Super passionate guy!

2. Pusha T DAYTONA

We played this one at our party celebrating 1 million subscribers and our unpaid intern/CFO/in-house counsel was so taken by the album’s focused drive and straightforward production that he opted not to testify against us in the civil suit brought forth by our investors. I mean, we’re not talking about ongoing legal matters here, bump this shit at your next get together with your totally legit and above-board friends!

3. Parquet Courts Wide Awake!

Every one of our employees was given a copy of this album for taking a pay hiatus from February-December to show our appreciation for their sacrifices and access to their plasma. The ones who survived reported that the many styles attempted on this record were pulled off with aplomb!

4. No Age Snares Like A Haircut

At our quarterly board meetings we would usually need a fast, droning album to get things going after the sifter of China white would get depleted. We’ll be goddamned if this didn’t do the trick each time until we switched over to an audiobook on how to successfully steal someone’s identity without having to answer a bunch of e-mails. 

5. Snail Mail Lush

The arrangements on each of the songs are so rich that you can always appreciate something new with each listen just like the media can always appreciate how Netflix is the respectable behemoth on the scene even though they’re $20 billion in debt and put out mostly crap, but our heads are in the clouds because we wanted to give people affordable movie ticket prices. I just don’t get why we’re the assholes and people don’t talk about her vocal range on this record more. 

6. Earl Sweatshirt Some Rap Songs

Just breathe and do your exercises, your work doesn’t define you. There’s still time to open that fountain pen store you’ve always thought about. You can offer people unlimited ink for 5 years if they just give you 30 bucks up front. Then you could, oh this album is in a whole other realm and you want to stay there, just get some money...

7. Dilly Dally Heaven

...To stay afloat until the real customers kick in and they’ll pay for the ink as they go at full price. The initial free ink people will be grandfathered in but they’ll be offset. Wait, what if they just tell the other customers they got the hookup? Okay we’ll have to, sorry, these riffs will be stuck in your head for days and there’s no fat on the whole album, it sets a mood for sure, put something in the ink... 

8. KIDS SEE GHOSTS KIDS SEE GHOSTS

...That will slowly poison the people who paid so little for it so eventually everyone will be paying the full price and the huge profits will make up for the beginning losses. Phew! Glad I solved that pickle. The fact that the production style is kind of all over the place is actually this album’s strength, I don’t know, it’s good, okay? I got bigger fish to fry right now.

9. Vince Staples FM!

Like how do I keep the poison ink separate from the regular ink without tipping off one of the employees? I guess I could just work by myself in the store every day, but what kind of life is that? I could be like Vince Staples and make a product that gets more rewarding the more you engage with it, but I also need some me time.

10. Kurt Vile Bottle It In

If my mind isn’t sharp how will I develop a poison ink that slowly kills you without ingesting it? Maybe the smell could be so strong that you breathe it in and eventually collapses your lungs like coal. You see, this is why I need some time off because I just thought of that off the top of my head and I haven’t worked on MoviePass since October. I just appear laid back like Kurt Vile so no one realizes how intricate and consistent our output is that they almost start to take it for granted. 

Honorable Mention:

Anna Burch Quit The Curse

Jay Rock Redemption

MATT’S FAVORITE SONGS OF 2018

1. Parquet Courts “Total Football”

A rousing, mission statement type of song that’s so good you’ll just stay home and listen to it for months instead of going to the movies, allowing the company paying for said movies to get back into the black. 

2. NoName “Blaxploitation”

A song that will make people think and therefore distract them as they gather outside of your headquarters wielding pitchforks and lit torches to light your image in effigy. 

3. Pusha T “The Games We Play”

The type of song you’d want to drive around to, particularly if you’re fleeing the country with several briefcases containing IOUs and user agreements. 

4. Cloud Nothings “Leave Him Now”

Put this song on a mixtape for someone who you were interested in or legally has to tell you that they’re a cop before going on a backpacking trip through Europe with you.

5. Snail Mail “Full Control”

Lush by Snail Mail

This song would really work in a movie trailer provided that you had a movie membership that paid the cost of such things instead of giving you enough money to sneak in 70 minutes into the movie when the ticket seller goes on break.

6. No Age “Cruise Control”

A good song to put on when trying to set up a new IP address to illegally download a movie with Lithuanian subtitles because you’re certainly not going to be able to see it in a theater with our options. 

7. MGMT “Little Dark Age”

A song to play for that special someone who you’ve become close with thanks to the prison pen pal program as you’ve blown all your seed money on a Potsie from Happy Days scheme.  

8. Ty Segall “The Main Pretender”

Embed this song in an e-mail to your customers next time you explain to them that you sold all of their personal information to the Assad government and your DOB/SSN will be the passcode to detonate an explosive device.

9. Titus Andronicus “Number One (In New York)”

This song is so good you’ll only want to listen to it once a year, which is the same frequency you should see movies, preferably on a Tuesday morning not during a holiday week. 

10. Kurt Vile “Loading Zones”

The perfect song to play while screaming, “I was just ahead of my time!” into a mirror in the middle of the night while holed up in the remains of your childhood home you’ve mortgaged to the gills. 

MATT’S FAVORITE MOVIES OF 2018

1. First Reformed (Paul Schrader)

Now we’re on the movie side, our area of expertise! This came out when we were still offering our services without any strings attached. But after getting a glimpse into the persecuted mind of Paul Schrader we decided to put our customers through their own self-lacerating baptism by fire. Very inspirational movie for all of us!

2. The Favourite (Yorgos Lanthimos)

When this movie came out the only movies we made available were industrials from the 1920s that advocated to leave behind the children in the factories who got their fingers stuck in the bobbins. It was very funny and visually striking but not as informative as Pop Go The Weasels. 

3. The Death Of Stalin (Armando Iannucci)

This is the first film that Mr. Payton used our membership and it set him up with a false hope that going to the movies was going to be this easy and joyous from this point on. Much like the movie, we started showing all the backstabbing and deceit available to mankind shortly after the inciting incident.

  4. The Ballad Of Buster Scruggs (Joel & Ethan Coen)

This movie was seen at a theater using our service but at this point in the year people were so beaten down from lowered expectations that the Coen brothers sued us for stealing their themes of trying to make the best out of a life where you’re damned before you’ve begun. 

5. Leave No Trace (Debra Granik)

While we were still technically thriving when this movie came out, we soon took inspiration from the main characters of this movie and went off the grid for quite some time. When we came back and greeted the creditors who were roasting marshmallows over the burning remains of our ledgers they politely verified our identity before punching us in the solar plexus. 

6 Sorry To Bother You (Boots Riley)

This movie’s class conscious critique of capitalism made us nervous until we offered customers a time-share zamboni ownership for getting 12 friends to sign up for our service. That’s the kind of collective organizing we like to encourage!

7. Burning (Chang-dong Lee)

We did not make this movie available for our service so Mr. Payton had to pay a regular ticket price to see it. We made it up to him by automatically renewing his membership for the next 10 years, by which point we will be a chocolate of the month club. The movie also starts out as one thing and turns into quite another. So you’d think he’d admire us for it. 

8. Support The Girls (Andrew Bujalski)

This came out during the period where we would make movies available one day and then the next have nothing to offer and what an exciting time to be alive! Much like the characters had to do in the movie, you never knew what was going to come at you and make things extremely frustrating for no reason whatsoever. That’s why they call this a business and not just something I’m doing to prove to my dad that podiatry school would’ve been a waste of time.

9. Shoplifters (Hirokazu Koreeda)

We have a lot in common with this movie as it won the top prize at the Cannes film festival in France and we’re not allowed in the country since we tried to sell low-cost accordions to street urchins as part of our senior thesis at the Wharton School. But no one had any vision for these kinds of subscriptions services way back in the spring of 2017. 

10. If Beale Street Could Talk (Barry Jenkins)

The movie was touching and funny and full of great performances and if you happen to be interested in any investment opportunities for the love of god don’t talk to your financial advisor or fucking wife and just head down to the Embassy Suites off route 10 and meet me in the conference room after the sun goes down tonight. The prospectus will be written in invisible ink but the cookies will be made with the best Burry’s Fudge Town has to offer!

Honorable Mention:

Cold War (Pawel Pawlikowski)

A Quiet Place (John Krasinski)

Lean On Pete (Andrew Haigh)

Blaze (Ethan Hawke)

Filmworker (Tony Zierra)

MATT’S MOST OVERHYPED MOVIES OF 2018

1. Eighth Grade (Bo Burnham)

I’m glad you could make it here today and again, we don’t need to turn on the lights. The lady at the front desk said it would just disturb the other guests here. 

2. BlacKkKlansman (Spike Lee)

No, you don’t need to ask her. She definitely knows we’re in here and even asked if I’d go on a date with her earlier. She said something about having a hot cousin who is lonely if you want to double. 

3. Game Night (John Francis Daley & Jonathan Goldstein)

But that’s not the point right now, I have the investment opportunity of a lifetime here and the fact that you’ve read this far down on the best of the year list shows you’ve got what it takes to rake it in over the long haul. 

4. Can You Ever Forgive Me? (Marielle Heller)

Why yes, I wouldn’t mind speaking more clearly into the flower on your lapel. My, what a lovely fragrance that is! Panasonic, you say? I’m unfamiliar with that type of bouquet. 

5. Roma (Alfonso Cuarón)

So anyway, you just give me the money and I’ll come back with triple the amount after a few months! If you want to reinvest at that point, it’s up to you. Hey, what’s that taped to your chest? 

6. Isle Of Dogs (Wes Anderson)

Oh I get it, you’re a movie bootlegger. That’s why you wanted in on the ground floor of this. You wear audio equipment into theaters and you need a man on the inside of the business to gain more of a foothold. 

7. You Were Never Really Here (Lynne Ramsay)

Damnit! I knew this was too good to be true. I’m sorry, I’m going to have to ask that you get back into that car outside waiting for you with your two friends wearing sunglasses and matching jackets in the front seat that’s still running. 

8. First Man (Damien Chazelle)

No! You know what? I said 2019 was going to be the year I started trusting my gut more and I have a good feeling about you. Because a successful business needs a good idea and vision, which I have taken care of. It also needs money, which is where that extremely light suitcase I helped you carry comes in. 

9. Vice (Adam McKay)

So you have a passion for movies that occasionally has you bending the law to spread them to friends and loved ones? I’d rather have a partner who cares and has vital blood pumping through their veins than some old lifeless, rule-following bureaucrat. 

10. Widows (Steve McQueen)

I’d love to shake your hand to finalize this deal as soon as you’re done talking into the underside of your wrist. Let’s just wait until these gentlemen crashing through the windows make their way over to the concierge desk and we can sign this thing. Do you have a fountain pen? 

Just Plain Worst Movies:

Bohemian Rhapsody (Bryan Singer)

Chappaquiddick (John Curran)

Mute (Duncan Jones)

Ready Player One (Steven Spielberg)

Previous Years In Review