#it’s funny bc like 90% of the time i do not gesture w my hands when i’m speaking

[lesbianlenas]

the fact that u are supposed to be like very still while doing oral arguments is funny to me bc my professor is like if u do anything u will distract the judge like the judge is a toddler or smth 😭 she’s just lucky i will be too anxious bc when i start speaking passionately i normally start going full italian hand gesturing like that’s when u can tell i’m really getting into it but i won’t do that if i’m nervous which i will b. bc i think my hands going all over the place would b more distracting then putting ur hands in ur pockets lmfao 😩

[agumonger]

look i'm sorry to say this due to the context at hand *gestures* and i know that hollywood is a cesspool of terrible human beings with terrible interests but yeah, i did. i did watch deadpool and wolverine

and i just

i can NOT stay silent about the sheer homoerotic tension between the two protagonists. they really took one of the most terminally straight, pent-up, macho and yet male-fantasy superheroes and played the fantasy completely straight, going all the way into insane fanservice. they saw the vision and they went for it

it's a testosterone filled movie, very manlike, very action-packed, hysterical as usual, very tryhard edgy but on purpose in a weird meta-ironic way, and i left the theater TERRIBLY HORNY I'M SORRY I'M SORRY I'M SORRY I'M S---

like you canNOT just fucking end the movie on a climatic scene where, not only does wolverine FINALLY don his iconic mask in a movie and look ridiculously hot in it (and the suit tbh) BUT in the peak of tension his clothes literally evaporate for no reason and you get SEVERAL shots of his glistening pecs and abs with glorious music bein all like "this is what you wanted" after like two hours of very much intentional homoerotic tension that you know isn't going to go anywhere bc wolverine is straight as hell (even though deadpool is most likely pan or whatever i can't tell)

EXCEPT SOMEWHERE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE MOVIE THEY LIKE. UM?????????????? HAVE SEX???????????? BUT IT'S NOT SEX????????????? BUT IT IS??????????? HANG ON HANG ON

ok so like they're inside this car right... in the middle of a forest... no one's around... they get all deep and emotional and then they get super mad at each other and they start a super gory and violent fight and they thrash the car and it's all a terribly bloody mess and then the fucking Camera Pans Out And The Car Is Shaking Like They Were Doing The Thing and They stay Like That for The Entire Night and there's this weirdly sensual but hateful but playful energy all the way throughout and it's like IT'S SO CHAOTIC WHAT THE CAPITAL W WHAT

THEY BASICALLY MADE A HATE SEX SCENE THAT'S NOT A HATE SEX SCENE BUT IT IS

The whole movie seems to explore this complicated relationship we have with toxic masculinity in which we hate it and it's bad but it's also kind of weirdly sexy and hot but it's also ridiculous and and-

ARE YOU SEEING MY VISION

AND IT'S LIKE... THE STRAIGHT GUY AUDIENCE IS SO SILENT ABOUT THIS????? DO THEY NOT SEE IT... but again, it's marvel, it's disney, OF COURSE this movie is not queer at all

but it also kinda? sorta? is? maybe? because it's very clearly marketed at straight guys

but then they add these moments of sheer macho extravaganza where the unintentional eroticism of the testosterone induced madness teeters on the line between unintentional and intentional except it's very much intentional but it's also a joke

i have not once seen any comment about this movie being woke, and it isn't, don't get me wrong. but it has all of the elements that would make Those People cry "woke madness", just arranged in such a way that it's barely a joke even though they somehow managed to fit

what's 90% of the way into a hate sex scene featuring the two male protagonists but it isn't but it absolutely FEELS that way if you *Know*

a straight-up fan service scene that is every masked man fan's wet dream come true

i think they're not saying anything because the movie is very much celebrating that brand of masculinity so they're like "hell yeah" but it's just so... you know what i mean?

it makes me wonder how much homoeroticism can straight guys literally EAT UP as long as it's suposed to be "a joke" and "funny" and "ironic"

did i get queerbaited in 2024? well no. like i didn't really expect them to start dating at ALL (they didn't). but it's like. funny. i'm almost positive they wanted to dare a lot of the male audience to stay convinced they're straight and not have a single hard-on at any point during the movie. while at the same time steering clear of any accusations because "comedy guys!!!!!!!!!!!! so funny!!!! haha!!!" and yet no one says anything because if you do, oh maybe you're just projecting, are you gaaaaaaay?????

all i'm saying is the car scene was as hot as all hell and LOWKEY kind of a serve idek i'm tired my brain is tired i am not immune to queerbait propaganda take me boys i am Weak and painfully basic and cringe

but also i hate the uhhh two wokeness jokes in the movie they're stale and bad (though deadpool does use the singular they pronoun once without even flinching? "groundbreaking" i know i KNOW leave me aloneeeeee afknlzsgjsd)

sorry for saying anything good about mainstream media (you know why but mentioning it in this frivolous ass post just feels wrong)

anyway if you actually read this thank you and i'm sorry you had to experience this from me. here have a flowe 🌸

[sikmsik]

week 1: ideas

I collected a series of tweets (I think best in its brevity) made for each of the 3 possible thesis proposals. Through all the proposals the medium is primarily the same: a book. I’m most interested in the book as a format and its intimacy as a medium so in any case I wanted to use it to communicate something personal and intimate, and additionally bind and create the book myself.

01: A fantasy comic focusing on a protagonist’s journey back to his home country and dealing with the cultural repercussions of a political shift. (I’ll throw in the tweets as a paragraph because in retrospect they were pretty funny.)

10 years ago lukar and solace trained together side by side in the army of the (???) and uh they were pretty gay. but in the civil war that resulted among the noble houses of the (???), lukar got thrown into slavery rings and cursed by witch houses to the snake's slow waste, and after fighting out of it he's returned to his home domain (???) to reclaim his rightful inheritance and use the blood of usurpers to free him from his curse. too bad solace is there heading the troops that are the main portion of the army. 

usurpers adapting local culture, lukar feeling unworthy and gritting his teeth and fighting anyway, he totally tried to use his relationship with solace to get into it, solace struggling with duty and honor as concepts because he was exiled from his own homeland as a child and the relationship he has with his parents and birth nation...

02: A reflection of my high school mental landscape as a result of various things: Chinese heritage, desire to achieve more than I might be able, centering on the one time I got in a fight with my parents and ran away to hide behind a brick wall for an hour. This idea was also the idea I developed the most, with thumbnails and layouts drawn. (Again, more edgy tweets in paragraph form.)

gifted and talented. those words don't describe me. but they come weighted with some kind of expectation. and i felt like i had to live up to them and when i didn't i was met with ignorance. rejection. disappointment, violently so. the yolk is invisible. be the best. prove them wrong. prove who wrong? them. you owe them you owe them

i couldn't take tests then. i was so used to the glowing yellows of 90s percentiles behind the signs lit up to announce you are entering the housing subdivision, hoping the car lights wouldn't find me in my shame. staring at the sky and the trees and realizing maybe i was just a useless and spoiled teenager throwing tantrums. gifted and talented. it's dumb.

the world is too much. in places where there is motion at day i find comfort at night, empty classrooms and stairwells and empty studios. laundromats where my thoughts are loudest. 

two shadows. my thoughts spill out into the sidewalk.where there is emptiness i want to fill those with something me—words, gestures. i feel free. unpressured by anything. it feels good. i can hide among the chaos of city and drown out my own screaming

03: Lastly, a visual memoir of sorts documenting my experience growing up Chinese-American, my alienation from both my heritage, my environment, and even peers who are also perceived to be Chinese. Again. some tweets.

he is chinese. i am chinese. we are chinese. (the image indicates these to be lies.)

incense smells like the family i never knew. it makes me sick.

two identities, competing (hands in a body) for dominance.

chinese american. chinese-american.

i'm tired of people being kind of awful about Cantonese how about you shut the fuck up? imagine feeling like ur chinese experiences aren't validated when ur around chinese people. so: whats it like to not feel like ur heritage isnt as important? whats it like to not feel like the language and food and traditions which yOU FEEL SO PROUD OF and call chinese, not, be, The Majority? whats it like to not feel humiliated because u didn't know anything about chinese culture outside of THE ONE YOU GREW UP WITH OF COURSE YOU WOULDN'T KNOW WHAT CULTURE YADA YOU DIDN'T GROW UP WITH WHY SHOULD YOU BE EXPECTED TO KNOW? whats it like to have chinese people poke n prod and say wow your language is really weird idk the difference between any of the tones? whats it like to have chinese people just not know what damn food ur talking about, the one uve eaten all ur life. chinese people, american people—i dont even belong with a lot of chinese-american people because only small % share similar culture w meto not even fit in and feel strong shared experience with people LIKE you—growing up between china and america—that's Super Fucked

there was some white guy claiming that knowing about chinese culture, wearing chinese clothes, is being chinese—but like. it's not about what you do, it's about who you are. it's just. why do you get to say you're chinese and not have to go through the shittiness of being denied a name and place at every turn. fitting in nowhere bc other things & people fill up more space so you have to shrink yourself until there's no more room for you to breathe

i want to be my own person! not crushed under the weight of what i'm supposed to do (surpass my parents? imploding)

i want also to think abt the idea of owing things to your parents because like. i owe a lot to them obviously (uh my being here, life expenses, college) but the way they gave up on teaching me the chinese way was.... hurtful to both of us.

when i was 11 i was sent to chinese school. (i was humiliated. this person who was humiliated has not left me since.) i always thought my mom would teach me cantonese. and for a while she did. but i guess she gave up. mandarin is easier. but in fact it was the most difficult thing i had ever done, trying to bend my brain around something i had no interest in or connection to.

[jamathon]

Ask me! I'll answer honestly

1: How tall or short do you wish you were? lit 7′0″ 2: What’s your dream pet? (Real or not) cat 3: Do you have a favorite clothing style? met gala type fancy for sure.  4: What was your favorite video game growing up? Just dance 5: What three things/people do you think of most each day? My gf, boulder, art, 

6: If you had a warning label, what would yours say? "pwease no steppy” 7: What is your opinion on life? V weird. v cool 8: What is your Greek personality type? [Sanguine, Phlegmatic, Choleric, or Melancholic] I tihnkkkk it was melancholic but i shud take it again bc it’s def changed  9: Are you ticklish? very 10: Are you allergic to anything? not that i know yet 11: What’s your sexuality? gay bi gay bi gay bi.  12: Do you prefer tea, coffee, or cocoa? Tea 13: Are you a cat or dog person? cat 14: Would you rather be a vampire, elf, or merperson? whichever one is least lonely. probably merperson. 15: Do you have a favorite Youtuber? Alex bertie!! 16: How tall are you? 5′4 17: If you had to change your name, what would you change it to? Kiwi 18: How much do you weigh? [Only ask this if you know the user doesn’t mind!] likeee 125 19: Do you believe in ghosts/spirits? pass. 20: Do you like space or the ocean more? Ocean.  21: Are you religious? No 22: Pet peeves? A . Lot. im so impatient.  23: Would you rather be nocturnal or diurnal [opposite of nocturnal]? Diurnal! 24: Favorite constellation? uhhhh *panics and looks around kitchen* the big spoon 25: Favorite star? North bc i used to see it every night after work and i didn’t know it alr had a name so i named it after my gf as a romantic gesture hahhahaha 26: Do you like ball-jointed dolls? Yuh 27: Any phobias or fears? Afraid of loneliness  28: Do you think global warming is real? shut up.  29: Do you believe in reincarnation? Havent thought about it 30: Favorite movie? Scott pilgrim 31: Do you get scared easily? Yes 32: How many pets have you own in your lifetime? 1 33: Blog rate? [You’ll rate the blog of the one who’s asking.] my blogs a 10 even tho i still have the OG tumblr theme 34: What is a color that calms you? blue 35: Where would you like to travel and/or live? Iceland 36: Where were you born? baltimore 37: What is your eye color? hazel 38: Introvert or extrovert? both 39: Do you believe in horoscopes and zodiacs? hahahhaha yesss 40: Hugs or kisses? bofa 41: Who is someone you would like to see/visit right now? Would love to visit boulder i miss the mountains & weather a lot 42: Who is someone you love deeply? Rayven 43: Any piercings you want? septum tbh 44: Do you like tattoos and piercings? yes. v hot 45: Do you smoke or have you eiver done so? not anymore 46: Talk about your crush, if you have one! Rayven is my crush and also my gf she’s about to turn 21 which is exciting!! this feels like show n tell haha 47: What is a sound you really hate? fingernail scratching jeans 48: A sound you really love? keys jingling 49: Can you do a backflip? no 50: Can you do the splits?  no 51: Favorite actor and/or actress? emma stone  52: Favorite movie?alr asked. scotty P. 53: How are you feeling right now? fine but restless bc of a tummy ache 54: What color would you like your hair to be right now? back to black acctuallly im tired of dying it  55: When did you feel happiest? idk 56: Something that calms you down? tumblr 57: Have any mental disorders? [Only ask this if you know the user doesn’t mind!] havent had an evaluation in years so idk! 58: What does your URL mean? that’s my JAMATHON!!! To describe a good song. A word i tried to make happen. like fetch. except not original, just “jam” with “athon” added.  59: What three words describe you the most? Understanding. Funny. Intense.  60: Do you believe in evolution? Yes 61: What makes you unfollow a blog? If they dont post enuf memes 62: What makes you follow a blog? Memes 63: Favorite kind of person: Funny, outgoing, spontaneous  64: Favorite animal(s): Whales 65: Name three of your favorite blogs. eh idk 66: Favorite emoticon: the drooling one 67: Favorite meme: too many 68: What is your MBTI personality type? intp idk if that’s right 69: What is your star sign? capricorn  70: Can your dog roll over on command, if you have a dog? no 71: What outfit out of all your clothes do you like to wear the most? i like layers. probably my leather jacket w black pants and a my yellow shirt. it makes me feel cute 72: Post a selfie or two? too hard 73: Do you have platform shoes? yes 74: What is one random but interesting fact about yourself? I used to be double jointed and could bend my finger back to touch my hand, unsure what happened but now i have 0 party tricks 75: Can you do a front flip? yeah probably 76: Do you like birds? So much!!!!!! 77: Do you like to swim? no!!!!!! 78: Is swimming or ice skating more fun to you? swimming... 79: Something you wish didn’t exist: pollution 80: Some thing you wish did exist: cures 81: Piercings you have? ears 82: Something you really enjoy doing: playing music/drawing/taking pictures 83: Favorite person to talk to: rayven 84: What was your first impression of Tumblr? cupcakes 85: How many followers do you have? like 100 on this blog now hahaha 86: Can you run a mile within ten minutes? yes but will I? No. 87: Do your socks always match? No 88: Can you touch your toes and keep your legs straight completely? No 89: What are your birthstones? Turquoise  90: If you were an animal, which one would you be? Fox 91: If a flower could aesthetically represent you, what kind would it be? I want to be creative but when i think about it...a red rose.  92: A store you hate? The grocery store bc im there all the time 93: How many cups of coffee can you drink in one day? zero now but at the beginning of the year i was drinking around 4-5 a day.  94: Would you rather be able to fly or read minds? fly 95: Do you like to wear camo? nah 96: Winter or summer? Used to be winter but nothing is good in the south. 97: How long can you hold your breath for? not long at all it gives me anxiety 98: Least favorite person? some of the people ive met in the past year have been atrocious.  99: Someone you look up to: My roommate Chris.  100: A store you love? I could spend all day in H&M  101: Favorite type of shoes? vans 102: Where do you live? ....atlanta 103: Are you a vegetarian or vegan? If so, why? Yes bc my girlfriend is and we always share food so like... i guess i eat meat on my own but that’s liike once a month haha 104: What is your favorite mineral or gem? hmmm...bismuth. 105: Do you drink milk? No 106: Do you like bugs? Not in the south. 107: Do you like spiders? NO. 108: Something you get paranoid about? Bugs. 109: Can you draw: NO. 110: Nosiest question you have ever been asked? people love prying idk at this point 111: A question you hate being asked? are u a boy or a girl has definitely gotten old 112: Ever been bitten by a spider? yes 113: Do you like the sound of waves at the beach? yesssssss 114: Do you prefer cloudy or sunny days? depends 115: Someone you’d like to kiss or cuddle right now: my gf 116: Favorite cloud type: rain cloud 117: What color do you wish the sky was? orange.  118: Do you have freckles? yes 119: Favorite thing about a person: humor 120: Fruits or vegetables? veggies 121: Something you want to do right now: sleep but im restless :( 122: Is the ocean or sky prettier? hmmmm depends 123: Sweet or sour foods? sweet for sure.  124: Bright or dim lights? bright bc i need new glasses and cant see in dim light 125: Do you believe in a certain magical creature? dragons  126: Something you hate about Tumblr: nothing really 127: Something you love about Tumblr: takes my mind off everything 128: What do you think about the least? everything i shud be thinking about 129: What would you want written on your tombstone? something super funny that i cant think of rn 130: Who would you like to punch in the face right now? John cena bc i think he’d find it funny 131: What is something you love but also hate about yourself? Inability to fake happiness  132: Do you smile with your teeth showing for pictures? sometimes! 133: Computer or TV? computer bc its both 134: Do you like roller coasters?  no 135: Do you get motion sickness or seasickness? yes 136: Are your ears lobed or attached? lobed bruh 137: Do you believe in karma? idk 138: On a scale of 1-10, how attractive would you say you are? strong 8.5! I don’t think im too shabby most of the time actually 139: What nicknames do you have/have had? kiwi 140: Did you have any pretend or imaginary friends? yes named Kiki  141: Have you ever seen a therapist/shrink? plenty  142: Would you say you are a good or bad influence to others? Depends 143: Do you prefer giving or receiving gifts/help? Receiving  144: What makes you angry? people not being nice really irks me 145: How many languages do you speak fluently? 1 146: Do you prefer boys, girls, and/or non-binaries? tag yourself im nonbinaries  147: Are you androgynous? i’d say  148: Favorite physical thing about yourself: lately it’s been my chest. it’s p hot 149: Favorite thing about your personality: I’m funny.  150: Name three people you would like to talk to right now in person. uhh idk 151: If you could go back into time and live in one era, which would you choose? the uhhh one w swords  152: Do you like BuzzFeed? ya 153: How did you meet your spouse/girlfriend/boyfriend/partner? [If you have one.] Tindeerrrrr  hah 154: Do you like to kiss others’ foreheads or hands for platonic reasons? uh idk 155: Do you like to play with others’ hair? ya 156: What embarrasses you? a lot 157: Something that makes you nervous/anxious: when other people are noticably anxious  158: Biggest lie you have ever told: idk 159: How many people are you following? lots  160: How many posts do you have on your blog(s)? lots 161: How many drafts do you have on your blog(s)? like 50 162: How many likes do you have on your blog(s)? like 3,000 ishhhh  163: Last time you cried and why: My birthday bc one of rayvens gifts was ....so ....fuckin..sweet 164: Do you have long or short hair? short 165: Longest your hair has ever been: long 166: Why do you like, dislike, or have neutral feelings about religon? It’s annoying lmfao 167: Do you really care how the universe and world was created? Only bc im nosy 168: Do you like to wear makeup? no 169: Can you stand on your hands or head for more than thirty seconds? no 170: Did you answer the questions you were asked truthfully? yup