#it’s been so busy and nights have been so hard for me physically and mentally I was having a fullll breakdown 2 days ago

[sungtaro]

it’s always when my job is kicking my butt and I’m about to lose the plot when a kid will just .

and then i’m like oh right I literally could never do anything else in the world I remember now

[blackvahana]

Yeah. Man. I'm just sitting here remembering I've been doing this my entire life. I feel like there was a patch I wasn't, part of the teen years, and that's either I've forgotten because trauma orrrr something else but

No wonder I've never felt anchored on this plane. But it doesn't matter, well, no, it matters a lot, but this life is just constantly isolating in how it works so I will keep the talk of not fitting in here and what being weirdly one got in one foot out has done to talking to myself lmfao but... I remember. I remember being in the garden as a really young child and I'm not a young child. I'm this chimaeric fairy-type thing of swirling and bulging colours like a psychedelic faceted-insect-eye's led trip, four or more wings of different types that are again, so ungrounded, so psychedelic, vivid. Not uncertain. Not half-formed. Fully formed, the starbeing in me just barely contained in the shape of the human-pretending-to-be-a-fae it's pretending to be

I remember so much, actually, and it's. it's just weirdly melancholic....? Maybe not melancholic, but it's so sad and I don't know why. Actually. I mean I've been trying to piece it together for like twenty minutes now but... People get a little irritated at me for being very "you don't understand and no one sees me" but like. I have lived an entire life walkinv streets where no one sees me. It's very complicated, there's. mental health stuff in there because of course I've come across a lot of spirits but I have bad issues seeing people as real but like. Man yeah no I am a snail and one part of me can be physically seen but the other has always been on the other side

[wintfleur]

Hi can u write prompt 18 and 14 🪷 and [comfort] 🌷 with lando? With lando being the one who comforts?? Thank u sm I love u and ur works 💗💗💗💗

౨ৎ sleep darling

﹕─┈ pairings ( Lando norris x female! reader )

°. — summary ( a morning with lando after a restless night )

°. — details ( g; fluff, a pinch of angst? w; none that I know of. wc; 1.5k )

﹕─┈ prompt ~ hugging them tight without saying any words when they're having a hard time + they roll on top of you, cradling your head between their hands as they kiss your nose + a tender kiss to provide comfort or reassurance

˖ ་ 💭 roro’s notes ( Tysm for the request lovely & the kind words ! I love you too !!! I had so much fun writing this, it was an amazing request !!! I hope you like it, I tried fitting in the prompts together the best I could !!! Please don’t be a silent reader lovely’s, your thoughts are what keep me motivated to write !!! )

1k celly masterlist main masterlist F1 masterlist

Restless sighs and tired groans leave your lips as you roll over onto your side, now facing your large window that gives you a perfect view of the sunrise. Your eyes dropped down to the sleepy body next to you, he was laying on his stomach with both of his arms under the soft white pillow, the duvet being pulled up to his shoulders, protecting him from the breeze coming through the cracked open window. He looked so peaceful as he slept, that made you happy. 

You missed him, lately he's been busy with getting ready for the start of the new f1 season and even though some days he came home early, you were too busy studying to really spend any time with him. For the past week, the two of you really only spent time together in bed, and most of the time lando was sleeping while you laid wide awake. You barely slept and when you did you woke up in cold sweats from the nightmares that plagued your mind. 

The lack of sleep and the intense studying didn't help your mood, but your sweet boyfriend didn't let your mood get to him, he understands. You felt guilty, he was the absolute sweetest and so understanding, sending you sweet texts throughout the day, getting you flowers and ordering you your favorite food; knowing that you most likely forgot to eat. And yet you couldn't even spare the time to spend more time with him. 

You watched as he scrunched his nose in annoyance and nuzzled his face deeper into the pillow as the sun shines on his face. You begin to feel restless as you continue to lay down, your mind not shutting off even though you've stayed up for the whole night. By the time you decided to stop studying, it was way past midnight and Lando was already asleep even though he tried to stay up for you. 

You felt that guilt creep up and you let out a heavy sigh, you couldn't lay down anymore wasting time. You quietly sit up and move the blankets off your legs and move to get out of bed, but you pause when you hear a tired groan accompanied by your boyfriend's groggy voice “Where are you going?”

“To the bathroom, I'll be right back, go back to sleep baby” you spoke softly so you wouldn't pull him too much out of his sleep as you looked back at him. One of his hands was out from under the pillow as if he was reaching out from you to stop you from leaving, and that's what he intended to do, he was just far to sleep to open his eyes. Lando hummed sleepily “Mmkay hurry back . . . wanna cuddle.” 

You leaned down and placed a soft but quick kiss on his forehead, a sleepy smile forming on his lips at the touch of your lips. You quickly leave the bed, knowing that if you stared at him any longer you wouldn't want to leave the bed. You quietly close the bathroom door behind you before turning on the light. You take your time brushing and flossing your teeth and brushing your hair out of your face, you try not to look at yourself for too long in the mirror. You could see that you were exhausted, the past week not only taking a toll on your mental state, but also your physical. 

You can imagine Lando becoming impatient with how long you were taking in the bathroom if he hasn't fallen asleep yet, so you quickly finish up in the bathroom and shut off the light as you leave. You looked at your bed and for a second you believed Lando had fallen back asleep from how still he was, but you're proven wrong when he grabs the duvet and pulls it back for you, wanting you to lay next to him. Cute. 

You fight the urge of wanting to escape to the living room to study and climb into bed, sliding under the blanket and right next to your sleepy boyfriend. You lay on your side, your hands under your face as you look at a barely awake lando. Lando pulls the blanket up to your shoulders and blinks the sleep out of his eyes, his eyes taking in every inch of your beauty. He could see your exhaustion in your eyes and face, but he thinks you're the prettiest girl ever. 

Lando frowns and tucked the blanket under your neck, his thumb softly caressing your chin “You haven't slept.” 

You didn't bother trying to lie, one you were too exhausted trying to come up with a good excuse and you also know it was no use too anyway. Lando knew you better than anyone else, sometimes even better than you. You sigh and break your eye contact before whispering “I tried.” 

“You should have woken me up, I don't like that you were up alone” Lando continues to frown as he looks at you, feeling guilty because he wasn't up to help you. The thought of you lying awake all night made his heart hurt, he wished you woke him up and he wished he wasn't so tired last night and stayed up. He didn't care if the two of you laid in silence all night in each other's arms, because you would have done it together. 

“I wasn't alone, i had you right next to me” you whispered sweetly as you pulled your hand out from under your face and pushed back his messy hair out of his eyes. A grin spreads across Lando's face at your romantic words and a cute giggle leaves his lips as he quickly moves forward, your body moving to lay on your back as he rolls on top of you. He settled comfortably between your legs, cradling your head with a gentle touch, leaning down and placing a soft kiss on your nose. 

You giggle at the sudden change of position and scrunch your nose at the feeling of his soft lips on your nose, pecking it several times; he knew it made you ticklish. Your hands move up to hold his wrists as you look up into his beautiful eyes, your legs wrapping around his waist under the blanket. He holds your face softly, making sure you keep your eyes on him as he tries his best to make his voice sound stern “I’ll always be with you angel, but you need to rest. you've barely gotten any sleep all week.” 

“I ⸺ “ 

“I'll help you study later; I promise. Just take a little nap with me . . . please” he quickly cut you off, his tone trailing off to a slight beg. He already knew what you were going to say, telling him how you desperately needed to study and that you couldn't waste any time. But he had full confidence in you, he knew you would do just fine in your exams, you were just psyching yourself out to an extreme. 

Lando didn't break eye contact with you as he pulled out his secret weapon that always works on you, a small pout with his puppy dog eyes. You sigh as you look down at his lips, knowing what he was pulling on you and there was no way you could say no to those eyes, and you knew he wasn't going to stop until you agree “Hmm fine.” 

Lando grins and kisses your nose one more time as he brings one of your hands down to pat your thigh, you unwrap your legs around his waist and sit up on your elbows as lando drops to your side, your body wanting to reach out for his warmth that you were already missing and craving. Lando lays on his back and opens his arms for you. 

You scoot closer to lando and he pulls you into his arms and into a tight but comfortable hug, your head rests in the crook of his neck while you drape your leg over his midsection. Lando slips one of his hands under your shirt and starts rubbing your back, your eyes fluttering close at the soothing and comforting touch. Lando fights back a yawn and places a kiss on the top of your head before whispering, “I’ll be right here the whole time, i got you okay.” 

You know what he meant, he wanted to let you know that you were safe in his arms, that you had nothing to fear, that he would protect you from your nightmares. Tears well in your eyes, because of the exhaustion or from the strong feeling of love you felt for him . . . you had a feeling it was the latter. You lean your head back, the movement catching lando’s attention and the two of you lock eyes as you spoke softly “I love you.” 

Lando used his free hand that wasn't rubbing your back and gently grabbed your chin, tilting your head up more so he could lean down and take your lips into his for a slow but passionate kiss filled with love and reassurance. The kiss didn't last long but it took both of your breaths away. He slowly pulled away from your intoxicating lips and watched as you laid your head back on his chest, your body melting into his with tiredness. The sound of his heartbeat lulling you to sleep. He whispered breathlessly as his hold on you tightens, his own eyes closing. 

“I love you more, now sleep darling.” 

˖ ་ 💭 roro’s notes ( GAWD I HAVE SUCH A WEAKNESS FOR SWEET BF LANDO 😭 AND CONGRATS ON P3 LAN !!! )

°. — taglist ( @iloveyou3000morgan @copper-boom @cixrosie @partyinpitlane @ophcelia @toasttt11 )

[artsninspo]

"FLAGS? CRIMSON 🚩" - RIO X READER

Authors Note: Monday Morning 🍵 , this one is based around the asks, the girls wanted filthy rio, I tried 😘

Summary: You have your concerns and reservations. Rio doesn't give a damn ... usually but then you stand on business, staying away for two weeks. Rio doesn't like that and lets his presence be known.

Pairing: Rio (Good Girls) X Black Reader

Warnings: Spicy🌶️🌶️🌶️, theres possessiveness, stalking?, hair grabbing, mild-spanking & dub-con elements.

Word-Count: 2.5K

Full Masterlist

RIO MASTERLIST

You and Rio have been in a standoff for the past three weeks. It started with him snatching your phone out of your hand as you attempted to take a picture of the two of you. He’d wined and dined you after a busy work week. He had his place turned into a restaurant to hold the intimate date. How often does a girl get Michelin grade food with a side of five star dick? Rio was something new, he chased you mercilessly but there was never that ‘let me show you off’ phase that you’re typically used to. There were no meetings or greetings from friends or family.  You were excited for a relationship that was private but you didn’t sign up to be a secret. You already made it clear to him that you wanted to know if he was sleeping with other people. You’d asked him countless times if he was seeing someone else, secretly married, everything. Each time Rio’s been dismissive, more present and somehow better in bed to prove his point. It was only you. Still your suspicions beat out every single affirmation of his. As good as it’s been physically, the flags are crimson.

Swallowing hard you make your way to the country club for tonight’s benefit. Your phone rings again. Rio’s name flashes and you respond with another customer service-esque response, that delays your meeting citing being busy and exhausted as the reason. At first Rio was giving you time to cool off but now he’s relentless. If you were the only one perhaps his hand just isn't cutting it anymore. Rubbing shoulders isn’t typically your favourite thing to do but socialising is better than sitting at home and forcing yourself not to think of him. you see a few childhood friends among the opportunists and the schmoozes that frequent this kind of social climber opportunity. You dance and drink and enjoy the night out with your peers who are going off the rails. They encourage you to mingle with the eligible men but you know better. Thankfully your father’s wealth has purchased your freedom. There’s no need to pretend to be interested in them or the woman ‘worth’ settling for, to gain the opportunity for a more ‘financially free’ life.

It’s after two in the morning when you’re finally headed home. You tip your cabby and head in the lobby. It's been three weeks since you’ve been taken care of properly and you feel it every time you have to sit in the house alone. You make a mental note to buy a vibrator to take the edge off until you can find Rio’s replacement. The ding of the elevator gets your attention and you head to your apartment unlocking the door. The cold floor feels perfect against your sore feet. You let out a sigh of relief picking up your heels as you lock up behind you. You’re nearly down the hall to your bedroom when you freeze in place. Rio’s seated dressed in all black on your sofa. He stands furious and you take a step back so startled your heart is racing. Maybe it’s the liquor. You squeeze your eyes shut but when you open them he’s more clear.

“How was the party?” He asks.

“What are you doing here?” You ask. 

“My girl has been sick for three weeks dodging me, you’ve been moody and shit so I’m wondering if you're down bad. I come here to be supportive and you don’t answer the door. I worry and get the spare key from management. I come in and you’re nowhere to be found. Now I just know you’ll be back soon but then I’m sitting here waiting and what do I see?” Rio asks before pulling up your social media, all the reposted stories from the girls night are there. You feel caught. His energy is menacing.

“And you didn’t leave and think maybe I don’t want to see you anymore?” You snap and Rio moves quickly grabbing a handful of your hair at the back of your head to pull you in. Your heart races and you feel your body begin to betray your brain, relishing the contact.

“You’re still lying to me?” He challenges. You look up at him in defiance and he smiles loosening his grip on your hair. “I should really leave you high and dry,” he threatens.

“Then let go of me” you respond, challenging him and his grip on your hair releases but he doesn’t step back. You can feel his breath on your face as you look up at him. You stare back at his angry eyes. He’s the only man who’s never cowered at your defiance.

“You think you can quit me just like that?” He asks settling into his usual disposition. Calm, challenging, maddening.

“It'll be pretty easy actually, no pictures, no mutuals, Rio who?” You taunt raising a brow before fearlessly turning your back to him. It strikes a nerve. Sighing to maintain his cool he wonders why he likes strong willed women while admiring  your frame in your selected outfit for the occasion. If it were anyone else he’d be out the door, he wouldn’t put up with it but you have him by the balls and have no idea. He hears the shower running and makes himself comfortable in your bedroom.

“You’re still here?” You respond sarkily fresh out of the shower and better equipped to handle the uninvited guest currently occupying the lounge in your bedroom. Rio’s eyes make note of your tone and that you have nothing under your robe, using it as a more secure towel.

“Mama, I know you’ve got liquor in you but tread lightly. Ya hear?” He warns still in his seat. All you want to do is be his baby. To take care of him, for him to take care of you. To have multiple orgasms to  pass out in his arms throughly fucked and a little sore. To be his road dog on his runs listening to music and eating snacks. To surprise him with blowjobs when he’s stressed from his work and watch as he loses control.

“I’m not drunk” you respond with folded arms.

“C’mere” Rio sighs, relaxing in the lounge chair. Usually it would work but he’s too comfortable. Instead you ignore his request heading into the bathroom to finish up your nighttime routine. You’re looking in the mirror and finishing up your skincare routine with hand lotion when he appears behind you. His expression is serious and you hear metal clanking. Looking down you see he’s unfastened his belt. Your eyes hold his and you watch as his hands slide up your thighs lifting your robe. His lips don’t offer praise or affection; a rarity. Anticipation builds as his hold tightens around your hips. Bringing them back against his growing manhood. He doesn’t need to promise a lesson. His eyes tell you it’s going to be sweet punishment. His hand swipes against your folds to find you’re already ready. He applies pressure before sliding a finger into you. Watching your expression change in the mirror.

“You’re lucky no one else has been in what’s mine” he comments possessively.

“You’re lucky” you contest moaning as he finds his rhythm with his fingers.

“Keep talking shit” he warns but it feels too good to talk back. “What’s that?” He asks finding your spot. Edging you closer and closer to your release.

“Mmmmm” you moan as he changes pace.

“That’s what I thought” he says onto your ear before giving your neck a kiss. You can feel him fully hard pressing into you from behind as he makes you come with his hand. You’re throbbing for more as you pant trying to recover. You want to kiss him but his eyes tell you all is not forgiven yet. He leaves a stinging slap on your ass. Punishment. Your brain chemistry alters making you wetter. It’s sick and twisted what Rio’s capable of bringing out of you. The quickness of the orgasm affirms you haven't stepped out on him, it pisses him off that you've been deliberately depriving him of sex. “When I call, answer the phone, don't send me any more automatic texts, or stupid distant responses.” He says laying down the law. “Dont ignore me” he adds.

“If you want me to behave differently treat me better” you manage standing upright and looking at him in the mirror again. He should walk out now. He should be done with you but he isn’t. You watch his jaw clench. He sees what needs to be done in spite of it being early morning, your defiance energises him. When he smiles your heart catches and it’s the moment he slides in full hilt. Gasping, your eyes close as he fills you completely, fitting snug. The feel of your walls around him nearly makes him lose control but he has a point to prove. When you wake up he wants you to see and feel him all over you. Pulling back before going back in repeatedly you feel your breaths grow shallow. The feeling is second to none.  It’s why Rio’s so different. Your chemistry is always enough foreplay. He leaves you satiated every time. He’s no slouch and your moans affirm the truth. Instead of putting on a show most of the time you’re fighting to hold them back. But Rio knows how much you enjoy when he’s inside you. The slickness of your walls, the responsiveness of your body, how soft and malleable you become. Gripping the counter you brace for his impact as he fucks you into it. His hand protectively palms your stomach to keep you from falling forward into the faucet. His pace and strength is punishing in the best way possible. You come hard again.You want a break but when he pulls out he lowers. Gripping your thighs bringing you closer to claim you with his mouth. He hoists you onto the counter to better his leverage before sucking and driving you crazy.

“Leave me for who” he asks, somehow still dominating you while in a submissive position. He continues like his appetite for you is insatiable and it must be because in  moments you find yourself beyond the point of comprehension. You moan yeses and other sounds of praise. He’s so good you can barely enjoy the sight of him pleasing you. Your head is back for most of it. You come even harder the third time absolutely spent. Rio gets up slower this time he knows you’re worn thin. He knows he has you in the palm of his hands. You look at his manhood standing at attention. His pants aren’t fully off, neither are his boxers. That’s how much he needed you. Your robe is still on too, you albeit not properly. There wasn’t even time to undress. Looking at him you go to return the favour but Rio stops you.

“No, I want to be in my pussy” he tells you, turning you around again.

“Let’s go to bed” you offer.

“Shut up be a boss and take it standing up” he continues goading you. Your legs are tired from standing all night and worn in from your orgasms.

“Rio please?” You whine and he chuckles.

“Now you want to be nice?” he asks.

“Baby please” you add.

“Now I’m baby?” he smiles pecking your cheek, having omitted his usual intimacy.

“Mhm” you nod.

“Words” he challenges.

“Rio!” You snap and he silences you again with re-entry. His hand over your mouth stifles a curse before he lets you taste your arousal on his fingers. His strokes are lighter than before and his rhythm is lethal. He’s a man that listens, he hits just where you need, and you feel the last bit of resistance and tension leave your body like a spool of thread being spun out. Your body is pliable and responsive. You lose your restraint, your moans affirming his talent and everything you feel. Rio’s moans follow, so do curses. Your body buzzes with satisfaction as you feel his pace hitch and the tension of a coming release. You prepare for the loss of contact but it doesn’t come. He thrusts deeper coming inside of you. You’re surprised for a millisecond before the feeling makes you relax. Your body settles completely. You feel goosebumps pepper your flesh as he hums emptying all of his pent up lust into you. You dare to look up into the mirror. His eyes are watching you. The anger is out of his face, his expression is blank and distant. You don’t recognize it as you feel his arousal dripping down your leg. His palm is against your stomach again. You hold it tighter and he comes to. You realise he’s sated and the unfamiliar look is a mix of exhaustion and euphoria. You want to kiss him so bad, he steps back pulling out and robbing you of the contact. His manhood bounces as it falls. You feel sore instantly. It takes him some time to catch his breath. Catching yours, you don’t know how to feel. If he’s still upset or if you’re back on solid ground. Rio answers the question when he turns on the water in your shower and holds out a hand inviting you in. You both get naked and he kisses you hard under the water before washing you up with care. He’s unpredictable and you are relieved he hasn't walked out to make you eat your words. After washing you up he gets dressed, choosing from the clothes he’s left for times like these, and to mark his territory.

“It’s quiet” he comments as you get into your night dress. A smirk plays on his lips. You roll your eyes climbing into the bed incapable of further defiance and too exhausted for a witty retort. Rio follows suit, pulling you in and spooning you. You know sleep won’t be far.

“Nite” he whispers.

“Nite” you respond.

When you awake you’re happy until you see Rio getting dressed. Rolling over you check the time to see it's 8am. Not enough time has passed for a full rest. You don’t have the energy to argue with him. Putting on a T-shirt Rio snickers pleased with the fruit of his labour. Now dressed in a sweatsuit he walks over to your side of the bed leaning in for a kiss. You oblige and he steals a few extra pecks before standing to look at you.

“Get some rest, I have a meeting. I’ll be back with some breakfast around 11:30, then I want you on the road with me” Rio says casually.

“Rio-“ you start, he knows you’re about to protest by your tone.

“I don’t want to hear about that shit anymore. You want to be public, now everyone will know I’m fucking you when you start to show in a few months. You won’t be able to get rid of me for years.” He says shocking you. You sit up scared straight and he smiles.

“Later … mama” he says walking out with a wink.

———-

Authors Note: Rio’s hell right? But we love our bad boy 😉 This one’s for the anons who wanted it nasty. I did my best to keep it Rio. Let me know if I got the vibe you were looking for. Like, comment, reblog.

[nathaslosthershit]

Trips to See the In-Laws (LS2)

Summary: In order to save his teammate from an interviewer with not so innocent thoughts, Alex has to reveal that his thought-to-be-single friend, Logan, is actually in a long term relationship.

“Alex, Logan, so wonderful to have you both here with me today. Now that we are rapidly approaching the first race of the season, how are you both feeling? How was both your breaks?”

“Well firstly, thank you for having us. It has honestly been crazy. Break has gone by fast and with all the training we’ve been doing, I honestly feel ready to just jump in the car and start back up.” Logan replies.

It was no secret that Logan Sargeant had been training much more during the off season, everyone had seen how much he had changed. The way the interviewer was staring at him though, as if he was their next meal, was making him shift uncomfortably in the seat. 

Alex, being as perceptive as ever, immediately saw the change in Logan’s demeanor. He was confused by it until he saw how the interviewer shifted closer to Logan, eyeing him up and down in a very flirtatious manner. He then chimed in to try and alleviate the tension. “Yeah, busy break but we have been putting in the work and I think we are both ready for this upcoming season.”

“You both look very different from the start of last year. Alex with your hair and Logan has gotten very, very fit.” Dammit, this interviewer really wasn’t going to let it go, Alex thought.

“Um yeah, we are both pretty different looks wise.” Alex weakly responded. What was he supposed to say, the interviewer didn’t exactly ask a question.

“I was in a pretty bad state at the end of last season, both mentally and physically. I worked really hard this off season to improve both of those things and gained 5 kilos. I feel much better now that I am at a more healthy weight and I think it just cements how much more learning and growing I needed last year.” God, how can the interviewer continue to try and eye fuck Logan while he gives such a sincere and vulnerable answer, Alex wonders. He knew he needed to help his teammate and friend in some way, but the idea that came to mind might have some consequences. But surely it was better than the alternative of letting Logan get harassed.

“Well Logan, you took some time to travel a bit since being here in New York” Alex teased.

“Ohhh, where did you go Logan?” the interviewer asked, intrigued at the blush on Logan’s face that had appeared as he picked up on where Alex was trying to go with this.

“Well actually, my girlfriend is originally from New york and still has family that live outside the city so they very kindly invited me to visit them and watch the Superbowl. She wasn’t too happy that I got to see her family while she is stuck in London but also was ecstatic that they clearly like me enough to invite me to visit even when she isn’t with me. It was sweet and such a kind gesture, definitely beats spending that night watching the game in a hotel room alone.”

“Hey, I would have watched with you. You wouldn't have been alone” Alex said, offended.

“Mate, you did not have any actual interest in watching the game.” Logan responded.

“But I still would have kept you company.” 

Before the two could continue their fight, the interviewer bursted out a very aggressively asked “Girlfriend?”

The two were quiet then, not knowing what to say. The interviewer wasn’t looking at Logan like a piece of meat anymore, but now he had to deal with this sudden hard launch of his relationship.

“Uh yeah, I have been in a relationship for a while now. Met my girlfriend when I moved to London. We lived in the same apartment and had moved in around the same time. Insane luck, I guess.” Logan answered, still blushing.

“Leave it to Logan to find the one other American in his apartment complex and immediately start dating her.” Alex teased.

“Hey! It was a coincidence and she is from New York while I’m from Florida, they are practically two different countries.”

“Yeah whatever.” Alex rolled his eyes playfully.

The interviewer, now upset at practically getting rejected, stopped asking questions and just watched as the two Willaims drivers took over the interview, rambling, and teasing each other, till it was time to end it.

The interview had immediately gained popularity once it had been posted. Not many drivers hard launch the way Logan did and while Logan hadn't anticipated that this was how his relationship was found out, he did have to thank Alex for getting him out of that situation.

logansargeant

liked by alex_albon, williamsracing, and 73,355 others

logansargeant My favorite New Yorker 💙

[xenteaart]

you are not difficult

pairing: chan x reader (i wrote it with idol!chan or producer!chan in mind, but it can fit any au, really) word count: no idea but it's short genre/warnings: er, angst, hurt/comfort, implied suffering w depression, implied history of SH. also implied shitty ex. so PLS keep that in mind before you read. also, it's all good in the end. author's note: it's a self comfort thing y'all but i hope you like it too.

it was yet another night where everything felt too much and you kinda hated yourself for it. bad day, maybe some hormonal imbalance due to a certain time in your cycle, history of mental illness — it's hard to put a finger on the exact cause. you're sick of trying, anyways.

chris was, of course, right there for you, and as you were falling apart in his arms, your entire soul was aching so bad that it made you want to crawl out of your own skin. it's usually like that, everywhere in your body like some sort of extreme inflammation, except physically you're perfectly fine.

"'m sorry…" you blurt out somewhere between your sobs and cries, still unable to hold eye contact with him.

"baby, you have nothing to be sorry for," chan shakes his head and keeps rubbing circles into your back, just between the shoulder blades where the ache feels the most excruciating.

"kiss me?" you squeak. almost pathetic, honestly, but it's always been your way of checking, whether he still wants you. whether he still loves you and desires you, even at your lowest, even with your mascara all smudged over your cheeks, eyes puffy and red, lips slightly irritated and swollen. even when there's a gaping black hole where the heart is supposed to be.

chris doesn't even question it, really. he simply leans in and gives you a long sweet kiss full of both a partner's tenderness and a lover's lust, so, so willing to do whatever it takes to calm the thunderstorm inside your mind and ease your struggle.

the kiss doesn't really satisfy you, the feeling is still there.

"sorry," you whisper again as you breathe out into chan's lips but the intimate contact doesn't last long. chris frowns and makes some distance between you two to look into your eyes.

"why? baby, why do you keep apologizing?" he sounds gentle but still slightly frustrated.

"i dunno? cos 'm difficult? for bein' difficult?"

there's a silence as he blinks a few times, processing and putting two and two together.

"just because it was difficult for them to love you and take care of you, doesn’t make you difficult. you are not difficult. like, at all," he puts on his serious tone, the one he uses for you when you can't see the obvious and he has to remind you.

you don't really know what to say to that, so you keep playing with the tissue paper in your hands, ripping it apart piece by piece just to keep yourself busy and focused on something other than the burning ache in your chest.

"dealing with mental health isn't easy, that one is true, baby, but it's so easy to love you. you are easy to love. even now, looking so small and in pain but it's still you, and my duty as your boyfriend is to take care of you when you can't. and, hell, you're one of the most capable people i know, so please just let me hold your hand through it once in a while, yeah?" chan speaks slowly and quietly, as if to make every single word sink in, tenderly forcing it into your stupid lovely brain that refuses to cooperate sometimes.

chris feels safe. he feels like lighting up a cookie scented candle after a long day at work. he's the feeling of the ocean timidly licking at your feet and burying them deeper into warm wet sand. chris is the first sip of coffee in the morning and the cold side of the pillow at night. he's everything worth living and trying for.

"thank you," is the only thing you manage to say, but in the way you lean back into his embrace he's able to read a lot more.

"do you want a nice mug o' hot chocolate and some fairy bread, baby?"

this question makes you hiccup and sob once again. you nod and nuzzle closer into the crook of his neck.

[osarina]

ᡣ𐭩 OFFER ME MY DEATHLESS DEATH

FEATURING: dazai osamu

SUMMARY: one drunken encounter with dazai sends everything spiraling. suddenly, all of your problems are catching up to you at once and you're lost as to how you should proceed... or that's not entirely true—you know how you're going to proceed but it's impossible for you to come to terms with how far you've let this go.

AUTHOR'S NOTES: sorry that i haven't really been active this week </3 i've been so busy. ill try to get to asks and everything soon. forgive me</3 i hope you guys enjoy part 5, i rlly had fun writing this chapter. as always, comments and reblogs appreciated!

GENERAL WARNINGS: fem!reader, port mafia executive!reader, civilian!dazai, dazai's struggles w suicide & sh, reader partakes in mafia business, dazai isn't dazai without a bit of obsessiveness and possessiveness (the possessiveness doesn't come til later but the obsessiveness starts from day 0).

CHAPTER SPECIFIC WARNINGS: hardly edited - i've been busy. reader and dazai argue, reader is a bit intoxicated, dazai heavily implied suicide attempt (not outright said/described bc he can't remember, but he assumes that's what happened) & he dissociates, dazai is in a pretty bad mental state the first half of the chapter, i don't think i'm missing anything but pls lmk if i am, i didn't have time to reread

SEE: WASTELAND, BABY! SERIES MASTERLIST

You stopped seeking him out after that night.

Dazai sits in his apartment, knees curled to his chest and back pressed against the wall. He has to forcibly keep his breath steady—his homework for his engineering class is discarded somewhere to his left, he’d been working on it for class tomorrow before he made the mistake of checking his phone and seeing that you’d once again stopped reading his messages. 

Two days straight now of silence on your end. He could go to your apartment like he’s been doing for the past two weeks but every time he tries to push himself to his feet with the intention of going to you, he finds himself rooted to the ground. Your words ring damningly and persistently through his head—how you told Nakahara Chuuya that you’re only doing this because he found the proof of your occupation, how you told him that you tried to cut him off.

Dazai knew what he was doing by using the video as leverage over you. He knew he was forcing you into indulging him, that he was backing you into a corner, but he’d allowed himself to be blinded by your treatment of him. 

Even if it was coerced, no one has ever treated him the way you do—you remember the things he tells you off-handedly like he matters and you buy him the things he wants without him having to say anything like you care. You’re gentle with him—Dazai has only ever experienced bruising touches; Oda and Ango weren’t physical people and he can hardly remember his mother. He remembers the way his aunt dragged him out of the car kicking and screaming, tossing him to the ground in Suribachi before driving away. He remembers all of the nights he would get drunk at bars, ending up in strangers’ beds and waking up with a body that ached painfully and dark marks littered across his bandaged skin.

It’s hard to remember that you don’t actually want him when you treat him the same way he’s dreamed someone would treat him one day. It’s hard to remember that you turn your head away when he leans in to kiss you, that you ignore his lingering touches and change the subject whenever he almost gathers the nerve to bring the topic up to you.

You don’t want him. 

He’s forcing you to do this by using the video as leverage. 

You don’t want him. 

He rests his forehead on his knees. That gaping hole in his chest that had started to return that night after Nakahara Chuuya showed up at your apartment is all consuming now. His entire body feels numb and prickly, he feels uncomfortable in his own skin.

He needs to put a stop to this.

His gaze draws from his knees to the floorboard he’s hiding the flash drive under. He could just… get rid of it. Get rid of it and disappear—you probably wouldn’t even notice. Maybe you would, he remembers how you came to his apartment when you hadn’t heard from him after sending the couch. Then again, you might’ve only shown up because you wanted to lie about why you were cutting him off. Dazai just doesn’t know with you.

Maybe he should just go to talk to you. 

But if he talks to you… and the thought of leaving his apartment right now…

Dazai sighs, leaning back against the wall, tilting his head to look up at the ceiling, weighing both options carefully before coming to a heavy decision.

You’re not in your apartment when he gets there.

Dazai would usually wander around and find something to make himself busy with while he waits for you. You have a piano on the opposite side of the room that he sometimes likes to fiddle with—he’s taught himself a few basic songs while waiting for you to get back from work the past few weeks. He ordered a gaming console and a few games to go along with it when you made the mistake of leaving your laptop open last week, but he doesn’t even have the energy to go look for one; not that any are even particularly standing out to him. Sometimes, he just snoops around, but his legs feel like lead, like they’re bolted to the ground, so he just sits on your couch and stares at the black television screen as the minutes tick by.

He doesn’t even know how long he’s been sitting there—too long, it was still light out when he walked his way over to your building in Naka-ku and the sun had set a long time ago. He’s never felt lonely in your apartment before; in fact, he usually seeks out your apartment because he feels lonely and whether you’re here or not, it eases the void that grows in his chest.

But now? Each passing second, he feels colder and colder. A part of him thinks that he should take this as a sign and just leave, but his body is uncooperative, keeping him rooted to your couch as he awaits your return.

He’s planned out what he’s going to say to you; he’s rehearsed it in his head so many times that he thinks he could say the dreadful words while sleeping. Now, he just-

Dazai’s head snaps to the side when he hears the fateful ding of the elevator arriving at your floor. His eyes widen and his tongue swells with anxiety as he stares at the doors, his breath slows and his fingers bite into his pants as he waits to see you step into the room but when the doors finally start to slide open, he freezes when he hears laughter.

“I can’t stand you,” an unfamiliar male voice snorts and Dazai’s mouth dries as his gaze darts around, trying to figure out what to do. The last thing he wants is for a repeat of the other night—if this is another one of your mafia friends, Dazai has to move, but he doesn’t know where to go.

His gaze settles on a nearby hall leading to the bathroom and an unused room—it’s closer to him than the kitchen, he’d never make it to the kitchen because he’d have to go right past the elevator. His legs feel so heavy that it’s an effort for him to push himself to his feet. He almost stumbles right over them as he rushes into the spare room, keeping the door cracked open so he can hear and see what’s going on.

He peeks carefully through the crack, watching as two men enter your apartment—you’re with them and Dazai’s chest tightens painfully at the sight of you. You’re smiling as you lean against one of the men—Dazai recognizes him as the man who had come with you to his apartment complex the first time, he’d been waiting by the car for you—and you’re dressed prettily in a short black dress. You’re so dazzling to him that Dazai nearly tumbles right out of the room he’s hiding in, but luckily, he’s drawn out of his dazed state by another unfortunately familiar face: Nakahara Chuuya, the executive who had been at your apartment the other night.

Dazai quickly leans back into the room when the ginger’s eyes snap down the hall as if he could sense someone watching him. He lets out a puff of air as he looks around the empty room—he’d looked in here before when he first started coming to your apartment, but had been sorely disappointed by the fact that there was nothing in the room for him to snoop around in.

Now, he blinks because while the room is still mostly empty, there are some tools in here as if you’d had someone come in to take measurements to start building something in there. His gaze slides from the far wall to the one nearest to him, dragging his feet against the wood floors to slide his fingers against the lines drawn on the wall in pencil, realizing that it’s about the same size as the piano in the other room.

His throat tightens as he remembers your offer from the other day, wondering if you’d gone ahead and started having it done even after the argument with Chuuya and Dazai not showing up for two days. 

God, he doesn’t understand you—he doesn’t understand you at all. He starts to doubt every conclusion he’s come to the past two days because why would you go to these lengths for someone you don’t care about? For someone who’s forcing you into indulging him through blackmail? It doesn’t make sense, Dazai has never had so much trouble reading someone before you.

He leans against the wall, lashes lowering as he looks down at the floor. He doesn’t know what to think and now his well-rehearsed speech starts crumbling in his head. Distantly, he can hear the conversation between you and the other two mafiosos—you’re talking about something happening in Tokyo and Dazai wonders if it has anything to do with that argument from the other night.

But regardless of the topic of discussion, what matters more is that you sound happy. Your voice is light and airy, and you seem entirely unbothered by the fact that you hadn’t seen Dazai in days. Dazai doesn’t think you’ve ever sounded so happy with him before and why would you when he’s blackmailing you? Your laughter rings bright and pretty like a chime and Dazai feels sick to his stomach at the thought of you laughing like that for someone else; he imagines the way your laughter will fizzle when you see him, all of the liveliness in your face dying at his unanticipated appearance.

It feels like an eternity and all too soon at the same time when Dazai finally hears the two leave. He takes one deep breath, preparing to force himself out from where he’s hiding but then freezes at the sound of you raising your voice.

“Dazai, you can come out now.”

He blanches, staring at the partially closed door in front of him, half-debating on not even coming out because how did you know he was here? He thought he’d been careful, there’s-

“I know you’re somewhere in here, the cushion was warm where you were sitting.”

Dazai has half a mind to throw himself out of the window.

He takes in a deep breath as he pushes the door open, stepping out into the hallway that’s suddenly too cold and all too short. He swears it was twice as long when he was stumbling from the couch to hide in the spare room. His feet scuffle against the ground as he walks forward, not coming any closer than where the hallway meets your living room.

You’re laying on the couch he’d been sitting on, head resting back against the pillows and a curious expression on your face as you watch him. He can’t read it—if he didn’t know any better, he’d almost say it was fond, but he refuses to let that hope bubble up into his chest only for it to be crushed again. He thinks he should say something, tossing around a few options in his head, but he doesn’t get the chance to.

You hold out your hand to him. “Come here,” you say.

Dazai hesitates, eyes lingering on your extended hand before flitting back up to your face. He shouldn’t—he knows he shouldn’t—but he finds his feet moving forward before he can stop himself. He stands in front of you awkwardly for a moment, not sure what you want from him, but then his eyes shoot open when you reach out and grab his wrist, tugging him forward onto the couch with you. 

He pretends he doesn’t yelp when he lands on top of you, face flaming up when he shifts himself into a sitting position so that he’s straddling your waist, trying not to drop all of his weight onto you. He also pretends that he’s not entirely thrown off by the way your hands rest on his thighs, absently running them up and down the sides of them. 

“Where have you been the past few days?” you ask him quietly.

Dazai’s blood pressure spikes at the curious look you give him, as if he hadn’t been texting you for days with no response. He can smell the alcohol on you now that he’s closer and he wonders how much you drank—he thinks that’s probably why you looked so fond before and that’s probably why you’re suddenly being so touchy with him, it has nothing to do with him. That empty feeling in his chest starts to return.

He should have just left, should have just destroyed the flash drive and disappeared. 

“I texted you,” he replies tightly, feeling wildly uncomfortable as he’s unable to get a hold on the way he’s spiraling internally. “I can see you’ve been busy though.”

You tilt your head to the side as if you’re unsure of what he means and Dazai almost wants to get up and leave but the feeling of your hands on him, his lower body pressed to yours, it leaves him dizzy and slow. His breath catches as your hands slip beneath his sweatshirt, smoothing out against his bandaged sides, thumb drawing slow circles over the covered skin as if trying to calm him down.

Dazai thinks he might hate you.

He thinks he might hate himself more because it works. His heartbeat slows and relaxes into you a bit more. He wants to take you by the shoulders and shake you, wants to demand answers, wants to know if you actually care about him or if this is all just some big show for the flash drive. 

“I haven’t looked at my phone,” you finally say. “I’ve been the one dealing with the issues in Tokyo. It’s just been meeting after meeting the past few days. I thought you’d be here when I got back but you weren’t.”

Were you waiting for him? He wants to ask. Expecting him? Or are you just saying that because you can tell he’s unhappy and don’t want to deal with his attitude? Dazai just doesn’t know, it’s hard to concentrate with your hands on his body.

“Can we talk?” Dazai asks quietly after a few moments.

“What about?”

About the flash drive. About you. About him. Dazai doesn’t know—about everything. So, instead he just says: “About this.”

Instantly, you turn your head away from him and Dazai’s frustration rises at your attempt at blatantly ignoring him. He reaches out to grab your cheeks, forcing you to look up at him and Dazai’s breath catches when your lidded stare lands on him.

“I’m drunk,” you tell him flatly. “I don’t want to talk about this.”

“Bullshit,” Dazai immediately snaps, the pads of his fingers digging a bit too hard into your cheeks but you’re unfazed by it, staring up at him with an unreadable expression. “I think-”

Dazai doesn’t even have the chance to finish his sentence because you’re pushing yourself up from your laying position, one hand slipping out from his sweatshirt to cup the back of his head, the other still firm on his hip as you drag him down against you. Dazai’s breath catches when you press your lips against his, lashes fluttering shut. The hand on his hip slides around to his back, holding his body flush to yours—he lets out a low moan into your mouth when you nip at his bottom lip.

No, he thinks hazily, trying to push himself off of you but instead, his hands cup your cheeks and he tilts your head back to deepen the kiss. Your tongues dance in a way that leaves him dazed, it feels almost intimately familiar to him, somehow so in tune with one another that it’s like you’ve kissed hundreds of times before. 

He shouldn’t be doing this, he knows this. You said it yourself that you’re drunk, he knows you only kissed him to get him to stop talking but…Dazai sighs into your mouth when he feels the tips of your finger card through his hair, feeling you shift beneath him to let his hips slot between your legs.

But isn’t this what he’s wanted this whole time? 

Aren’t you finally giving him what you’ve denied him for weeks?

Your lips are intoxicating against his, and not because of the gin staining your tongue, he can hardly focus on anything with the way your tongue traces the back of his teeth, dragging against the roof of his mouth. He groans when you shift beneath him, one leg hooking around his waist. He separates his lips from yours to gasp for breath.

Shit, he thinks, lips parting when you kiss his jaw, trailing your lips to his ear to suck gently on the skin there before kissing slowly down his neck. He swears his entire body is on fire, breaths quick and shuddered; his mind feels so muddled and hazy that he has to actively tell himself to put a stop to this and even that is almost not enough.

It takes all of his willpower to push himself off of you, still breathing heavy, lips wet and swollen, his whole body tingling everywhere your lips and hands had touched. You stare up at him and Dazai’s body aches with need when he sees you’re nearly as breathless as he is, your own lips wet from his, eyes a bit glazed over. Heat burns in his lower abdomen but he can’t, not when he knows you’re drunk and not when he knows you’re only doing this to get him to stop talking.

Before Dazai can say anything, you look away from him again and he knows that it’s over.

“I’m tired,” you say. “Help me get to bed. We can talk in the morning.”

Dazai’s lashes lower as he nods, leaning down to help you to your feet. Even with your heels kicked off, you wobble on your feet, so he wraps an arm around your waist to keep you steady. The silence is almost foreboding as Dazai guides you up the stairs to your bedroom; you don’t make any move to break it, so Dazai does.

“We’re not going to talk about it in the morning, are we?” he asks quietly, looking down at you. You don’t look up at him and Dazai just wants you to at least look at him so when he gets you to the door of your bedroom, he stops and looks at you. You still don’t look at him. “Can you at least look at me?”

Dazai thinks he might be sick from the way you have to seemingly force yourself to look at him. Even drunk, he can see the displeasure plain on your face and it makes him want to curl in on himself again.

“I don’t want to talk about it, Dazai,” you finally say, your voice is tight. “I want to go to bed.”

“I want to talk about it,” Dazai stresses. “I-”

Frustration flies across your face, emotions loosened in your intoxicated state. You turn away from him and slam open your bedroom door and Dazai winces, taking half a step back.

“It’s always what you want, Dazai,” you hiss. 

Dazai’s heart sinks, shaking his head because he doesn’t want to hear where you’re going with this. “Stop.”

“For weeks, I have been catering to what you want and now I don’t want one thing and you throw a fucking tantrum over it. I don’t want to talk about this—I don’t want to talk about it now, I don’t want to talk about it in the morning, I don’t want to talk about it. Can you just leave it be?”

Dazai takes another step back, staring at you silently. His ears ring as your words echo through them and though he can watch your face shift from frustration to guilt, it doesn’t process in his head—not really, not when all he can hear are your words on repeat over and over again. 

You reach out for him, fingers curling around his wrist but Dazai pulls his hand back, taking a step away from you, closer to the stairs. All of his fight or flight instincts are triggered, his body itches to run, to flee downstairs and get out of your apartment, but his legs are uncooperative, feet rooted to the ground as he stares at you blankly.

“I didn’t mean that,” you say after a few moments. “I didn’t-I just-”

“It’s okay,” Dazai replies, voice a bit distant even to his own ears. “I’ll drop it.”

“Dazai-”

“Let me help you get into bed,” Dazai interrupts, forcing a smile onto his face as he pushes himself forward. His movements feel weird and clunky, unnatural almost, but he successfully leads you into your room, pulling back the sheets to help you into bed. “C’mon.”

He helps you slip into the bed and pulls the sheets over you, there’s still that hazy look in your eyes as you look up at him and Dazai tries his best to make sure that the smile on his face doesn’t look strained. He’s pretty sure you can see through it even while drunk. You reach out to grab his wrist again and this time, Dazai doesn’t pull away. 

“Stay here tonight,” you say quietly. “Lay down with me.”

“I have class in the morning.” Dazai shakes his head, as much as he might ache to stay in your presence, he thinks if he stays in it a moment longer, he might actually break down—he can’t get your words to stop echoing. Only a steadily crumbling dam is holding back the torrent of emotions ripping apart his chest. “I can’t.”

“I’ll drive you.”

“I have to get all of my books, and finish my homework,” he tells you. “I can’t.”

“We’ll leave early,” you press, leaning up on your elbows. “C-”

“I can’t,” Dazai stresses, taking a step back and shaking his head. “I can’t. I have to go.”

You look conflicted, but to his relief and distress, you finally let go of his wrist. “I’ll pick you up tomorrow. After your classes. You finish at three, right? There’s a restaurant in Minami-ku I’ve been meaning to take you to.”

Dazai’s throat spasms as he swallows, shaking his head again. “I’m busy after class tomorrow. I have meetings for group projects.”

“When are they over? I’ll pick you up after.”

He feels a bit sick to his stomach as he looks up at your ceiling, in turmoil and unsure as to what to do. He knows you’re not doing this because you feel bad—not really—he knows it has to do with the flashdrive. He knows it. He thought it would be easier having someone to talk to, someone to hang out with, even if it was only because of blackmail because at least he would have someone, but he was wrong because this is a type of torture that Dazai just can’t endure any longer.

“I’m not going to want to do anything after, I’ll be drained.”

“Then we don’t have to do anything.” God, you won’t stop trying. You won’t stop trying and Dazai knows that if it wasn’t for that stupid flash drive, you’d have laughed in his face and told him to get out. He thinks he might actually throw up. “I’ll pick up the food before going to get you. We’ll stay in. Watch a movie.”

“No,” Dazai says, raising his voice now. “No. I’m just going to go back to my place. I have to go.”

Though his legs feel like lead and his body still yearns to be near yours, he forces himself to leave your room. Doesn’t look back when you call his name. Doesn’t hesitate at the top of the stairs when you tell him to wait. He nearly stumbles as he makes his way down the stairs and when he gets to the bottom instead of rushing toward the elevator, he sits on the arm of your couch, resting his head in his hands as he tries to gather his thoughts.

You’re so frustrating. So impossible to read that it’s beginning to take a toll on Dazai. He doesn’t understand why you’re so adamant on not having a conversation about all of this. He thought you would’ve wanted to have a conversation about it for the chance of getting the flash drive away from him. 

You’ve done everything in your power to avoid any physical contact with him until now; only finally giving it to him when there’s an issue you really don’t want to talk about to try to distract him. Hell, you’d prefer to even talk to him about mafia business—you vented all about the issues with the Shimazaki-kai to him, and Dazai would think that’s the last thing you’d want to talk to him about. 

It doesn’t make any sense.

He’s drawn from his thoughts at the sound of something buzzing against the ground a few feet away, frowning as he looks around and spots your phone on the ground, probably lost in your drunken attempts to get to the couch. He hesitates before pushing himself off the arm of the couch, taking a few steps toward it before kneeling down to pick it up. 

He chews at the inside of his cheek as he stares down at the home screen of your phone, staring at Nakahara Chuuya’s name in the text notification. He knows that he shouldn’t go snooping. He knows it.

He does it anyway.

He spares one last glance up the stairs before unlocking your phone with the code he’s seen you put in hundreds of times by now, clicks on your message app and lets out a puff of air when he realizes that no, you hadn’t been lying. You have at least twenty unread message threads—Dazai’s is pinned at the top with Chuuya’s and someone called Mori, who you’ve never mentioned to him. There’s only one message thread you’ve evidently been reading the past few days considering there’s no dot next to it: Tolstoy, the last message being from a few hours ago.

He shouldn’t look. He knows he shouldn’t look.

He clicks on it anyway.

He bites down hard on his bottom lip as he scrolls to the top of the conversation—only a few message exchanges between the two of you, but they’re decently long.

Tolstoy: Do you still want Ilya? I can have him there by the end of next week, I just need him to finish up some business in Moscow first. You: Haven’t decided. You haven’t even given me the rundown on the side effects of his ability. I’m not going to use it if it’s going to fuck up his head—stop playing salesman and tell me what’s actually up with him. No ability comes without consequences. You know that. I know that. So stop fucking around. 

Dazai suddenly has a sick feeling in his stomach, vision tunneling on the ‘him’ you’re speaking of in the messages. A foreboding air settles over him, dark and oppressive, he has to physically force himself to keep reading.

Tolstoy: We don’t know of any side effects. Haven’t used it enough to figure it out.  You: So, you want me to use him as a lab rat? Be real, Tolstoy. Thought you had more respect for me than that. Tolstoy: I’m trying to help you. You want that kid’s memory wiped, I can have it done for you, it’s just a matter of how badly you want it done.

Dazai doesn’t read anymore than that. He drops your phone onto the couch, takes a step back, a step away. His mind spins, ears ringing as he stares down at—he doesn’t even know what he’s staring at. His vision is swimming and blurring—with tears, maybe? Or just from exhaustion? From panic? He can’t tell but he knows he’s not breathing properly and he knows he needs to leave, everything suddenly feels too suffocating, too enclosed. 

He stumbles over to the elevator, slapping the button and leaning against the wall as he waits for it to come up to your floor. It takes long—too long, each second that passes feels like an eternity and he can’t breathe. He can’t breathe. He can’t breathe.

There’s only one “him” that your texts could be referring to. And it makes sense—it makes sense, doesn’t it? It makes sense why you’re so willing to divulge confidential information if you don’t intend for him to keep the knowledge of it. Makes sense why you’ve been notably careless with leaving files around your apartment. Makes sense why you told him about your ability. He’d thought you were finally letting him in, letting him know you, but-but of course, you weren’t. 

Of course, you weren’t. 

You were just…you were just trying to keep him placated, feed him bits of information to keep him happy because you knew you weren’t going to let him keep the knowledge of it. That you were gonna wipe his memory of it, of you, and send him back into that cold, dark void that’s been following him around his entire life and-

The bing of the elevator startles him, he flinches and still, he can’t breathe. His skin feels numb and prickly, his bandages are scratching uncomfortably at the scars hidden beneath them and he can hardly see straight.

Dazai needs to go.

He needs to go.

You wake up with a dry mouth, a pounding headache and an oddly foreboding feeling hanging about you. You push yourself into a sitting position, grimacing at the sun blinding you through the window—you don’t remember much of the night. You vaguely recall leaving the club last night with Albatross and Chuuya, the two of them incessantly bitching about dealing with you while you were drunk but in your defense, you think you deserved it after three days straight of meetings with the Shimazaki-kai on behalf of the Sun and Steel. 

Everything after leaving the club is a blur. You grimace as you push yourself out of bed, glancing around to see if you’d dropped your phone anywhere near the bed only to come up empty-handed. You don’t even bother to go to the bathroom and brush your teeth, anxious to find your phone and figure out what happened once you left the club.

You pray to god that it’s downstairs and you hadn’t left it at the club, making your way out of the bedroom with a sigh. You doubt Chuuya or Albatross would’ve been dumb enough to leave it there, but you’re pretty sure they were both drunk too and neither of them are functioning drunks.

You’re not even halfway through the door frame when pain shoots through your head, sharp and uncomfortable and then-

“It’s always what you want, Dazai.”

Suddenly, that foreboding feeling you awoke with makes sense. You stare ahead blankly as you remember who exactly was waiting for you at your apartment after you got back from the club. You remember the argument, you remember the crushed expression that crossed his face when you snapped at him, you remember pleading with him to stay or to at least let you take him out today and you remember him refusing, his voice pitched and cracking, wobbly, on the verge of collapse because-

Because of you. 

Fuck.

It’s with increasingly more urgency now that you rush yourself down the stairs, a small lingering hope remaining that maybe Dazai had stayed in one of the guest rooms or on the couch, that you could do something to fix this before it escalates even more. 

You don’t even know why you said that—it’s not like you mind giving Dazai what he wants, in fact, you enjoy it. You enjoy it a lot. You like seeing his face light up when you do nice things for him, you like when he tries to hide the way he gets all flustered, you like that he’s allowed himself to have hope with you—something he’s clearly denied himself for too long—and you what? 

You ruined it because you got scared? 

You ruined it because you didn’t want to talk about… whatever you have going on with him? 

You ruined it because you were terrified he was going to force you to come to terms with the fact that you’re using his stupid flash drive as an excuse to indulge yourself in him. That it would take minimal effort to have it destroyed but you’re putting it off because you want to be able to rationalize what you’re doing.

You feel sick to your stomach when you realize that your apartment is empty, eyes darting around to try to find your phone. You need to call him—he told you that he wanted to be alone today, or maybe he didn’t say exactly that but he implied it, but you need to at least talk to him now that you’re sober and can think straight. 

A distant part of you, a cold and logical part of you, tells you to just use this as the excuse to cut him off—you don’t need to get Ilya to fuck with his mind if he just hates you, you don’t want Ilya to fuck with Dazai’s mind. The thought of it makes your chest feel tight with guilt, so maybe you should take this opportunity for what it is, no matter how shitty it might make you feel, but-

But you won’t.

Finally spotting your phone on the couch, you snatch it up and unlock it, grimacing at the low battery percentage and then grimacing even more when there’s not a single message from Dazai lighting up your home screen. There’s seven from Chuuya, three from Albatross, and two from Mori, but you’re more concerned by the missed call from an unknown number and the unread voice message.

The foreboding feeling that has been looming only grows more intense when you click on the message for it to play out loud.

“This is Doctor Okamoto of Keiyu Hospital calling on behalf of a recently admitted patient… listed you as his emergency contact when he was brought in last night… unable to disclose any information regarding his injuries over the phone… suggest that you get here soon…”

At once, your vision tunnels and everything around you becomes white noise, your gaze is pinned on the ground, a smudge on the tiled floors as you try to keep yourself grounded because what? Dazai is in the-he’s in the hospital?

Because of you? 

You hadn’t been subtle approaching him that day in the library, it’s been a lingering thought since then, wondering if unsavory eyes had caught sight of you talking to him. The bar and the cafe were different, he had approached you—if any of your enemies had happened to see it, they wouldn’t think twice about it. But you approaching him had been dangerous. 

It had been a mistake.

Had it been a mistake to cost him his life?

And it’s not just that—you’ve taken him out to dinners. Picked him up at his apartment building. Places that you or your trusted affiliates own but there’s always the chance… and if he left the Port Mafia building last night in a rush, upset and not thinking straight…

Oh, you might throw up.

You’re not dressed properly. You’re still wearing your dress from last night and you fumble to put on the heels you must’ve kicked off in your drunken state. You don’t even care to get dressed, more intent on getting to the hospital and figuring out if—nausea builds in the back of your throat—if Dazai is alive, if he’s okay. You need to re-listen to the voicemail because your hearing had been unfocused and you’d only been able to catch bits and pieces of the doctor’s message.

And-

And you don’t even get into the elevator because your phone is ringing again as soon as you click the button. You don’t even look at the number before picking up, fearing that it’s the hospital again—it’s not, it’s Chuuya, and you immediately regret your decision because you aren’t even able to bark out a ‘what’ before he’s speaking.

“Where the hell have you been?” Chuuya snaps on the other side of the line. “We’ve been trying to get ahold of you for hours, we-”

“I’m busy,” you hiss right back, interrupting him. “I can’t talk-”

“You can talk,” Chuuya says harshly. “Get to headquarters. The Guild is in Yokohama now. We don’t have time to fuck around anymore.”

You don’t respond to Chuuya, heart sinking to your feet at his words, distress clawing at your chest so painfully that you think it might be easier if you just carve out your heart and toss it out the window. You hang up the phone without another word just as the elevator makes it to your floor, but instead of going inside, you make your way back up to your room, numbly changing into one of your suits so you could at least look somewhat presentable. 

You hardly even recognize yourself in the mirror as you wipe off your smudged makeup from your night out. Your eyes are vacant and your expression so empty that you think you could almost be looking at a statue. 

War with the Guild. Dazai in the hospital.

Everything is catching up to you at the same time and your mind is fraying at its seams, collapsing in on itself as the weight of everything bears down on you. You do your best to compartmentalize, focus on one thing at a time but you can’t even concentrate on one issue. 

You try to figure out what to do about the upcoming conflict, try to determine what exactly Fitzgerald might be planning so you can figure out what the Port Mafia will retaliate with, and your mind drifts to Dazai, you wonder if he’s okay, if he’s in critical condition, if it was one of your enemies that got to him or if it was something else.

You think about Dazai, all of the fear and guilt and anxiety tearing you apart, and your mind shoots straight to the Guild. Because if Fitzgerald knows about Dazai—if he knows about Dazai—then it’s over. It’s all over. If the Guild gets their hands on him, they’ll kill him when you don’t give them what they want because you can’t give them what they want. They want Yokohama and you can’t give them that. 

You can’t, not even for Dazai.

You don’t even register that you’re standing in front of the elevator again until it bings, startling you right out of your thoughts. You can’t leave the building while you’re spiraling like this—you need to get a grip on yourself, you don’t even know where you’re going yet. You need to figure out if you’re going to go meet with Mori and the other executives or if you’re going to go find Dazai. 

As you step into the elevator, it takes all but five seconds for you to make a decision.

Dazai wakes up to the familiar scent of antiseptic and a citrus-scented floor cleaning solution, the air is too stale and the air-conditioning is cranked up too high. He forces his eyes open, lids heavy and uncooperative, but he immediately lets them fall shut again briefly when he’s met with too white walls and the steady beeping of the heart monitor next to him.

His throat feels swollen as he stares up at the ceiling—the last time he was here in the hospital he was seventeen and had nearly bled out in the bathtub in Odasaku’s house. The only reason he hadn’t was because Ango happened to stop by the house to pick up papers that Odasaku had left for him, finding Dazai unconscious and face half-submerged in the water. He woke up here to find both of them hovering over him, Ango concerned and Odasaku visibly upset for the first time since Dazai met him.

He wakes up alone now because Odasaku is dead and he hasn’t spoken to Ango in four years—doesn’t even know where the man is anymore, doesn’t even know if he’s alive, doesn’t want to know either.

“Dazai-sama.” He hears a nurse say from the door to his room. “You’re awake, how are you…”

The nurse’s voice becomes white noise with the beeping of the heart monitor and the vents blowing above. Dazai retreats back into his own mind—a dangerous place, but right now it’s safer than the white walls that surround him, knowing he’s going to be badgered with questions that he doesn’t want to have to answer. 

How are you feeling, Dazai-sama? 

What happened, Dazai-sama? 

We need to ask you a few questions, Dazai-sama.

Dazai feels defeated.

His head falls to the side as he stares out the nearby window, watching as a bird swoops down in view before taking off into the sky.

He doesn’t even remember what happened. He remembers leaving your apartment, he remembers… he remembers seeing your texts, your plans to wipe his memory. And… that’s about it? He vaguely remembers the familiar feeling of his lungs burning, remembers being tossed around by the rough currents of Tsurumi River. He doesn’t remember how he got there but it’s not exactly hard for him to piece together—even now, Dazai thinks he would rather be dead than have his memories forcibly erased.

“… to know what exactly hap…”

A dark and familiar cloud settles over him. His eyes feel heavy and his chest hurts. Dazai—he doesn’t even know what to think anymore. He’s so tired that his bones ache and his muscles feel so weak that he just sinks into the stiff mattress of the hospital bed.

He doesn’t know what he expected—he thinks that to some extent he expected you to leave him. Everyone has left him. His mother, his aunt, all of the brief friends he’d made over the years before they see him for what he is, Odasaku and Ango—everyone has left him, so he knew that you would too but… in this manner? Using an ability to wipe his memory of you?

Dazai has considered it before. He’s wondered if maybe his life would be easier if he could just… forget. If he could live without the memory of everyone who has left him hanging over him. Some days, on really bad days, he thinks it might be easier. To try to make himself feel better, he thinks that maybe he isn’t the issue, maybe it’s all just a self-fulfilling prophecy, that it’s his past experiences cursing him to make the same mistakes over and over again; that without them, he might stand a chance.

But then when he thinks about it—when he really thinks about it—he knows in his heart that it’s not true, and he knows that without the memory of them all, Dazai will only feel more empty. And to think that you were trying to take his memories of you from him… without even asking, without giving him a choice in the matter… it almost makes Dazai-

“Dazai.”

His gaze snaps to the side when he hears your familiar voice come from the door leading into his room. Instantly, he’s shaking his head and looking away again, he can’t even bear to look at you but you’re walking over to him, you’re coming to his bedside, you’re sitting next to him on the hospital bed and you’re reaching out to cup his cheek, forcibly turning his face to make him look at you. You look worried, something sharp and concerned in your eyes that makes his throat swell and he wants to spit at you and call you a liar but he can only sink into your touch.

“Why are you here?” he asks. His voice is hoarse, almost painful for him to use. 

“What happened?” you ask him quietly instead of answering his question—you never answer his questions, you always deflect, always maneuver around them. The ones you do answer, it’s only because you plan to- “Dazai, what happened? Are you okay?”

Dazai doesn’t know how you can look at him like this all the while planning the most diabolical betrayal that he could ever imagine. You’re either an actress deserving of international recognition or… or Dazai doesn’t even know.

“I’m fine,” he says, voice clipped. “Why are you here?”

“The hospital called me-”

“But why are you here?” Dazai cuts you off, grateful that his voice is firmer than the turmoil wreaking havoc through him. He must’ve given them your number while he was half-delirious when he was brought in—he figured that out already—but that doesn’t explain why you actually came. “Why did you come?”

“Because you’re hurt,” you say as if Dazai should believe you. 

And he wants to believe you. Wants to believe that you’d come running just at the mere idea of him being hurt, wants to believe that you would care enough to come for him. He wants to believe you so bad, but he knows what he saw. 

“Don’t lie to me,” Dazai tells you, finally gathering the willpower to pull his face away from where it’s resting in the palm of your hand. You don’t even let him shift away, hand slipping behind him to cradle the back of his head, fingers entwined with his hair. “Stop.”

“I’m not lying to you,” you say like a liar. “Tell me what happened.”

“I don’t want to talk to you.”

You sigh heavily and Dazai hates the way you’re absently drawing circles against the nape of his neck with your thumb, hates how it makes him feel at ease and especially hates the way his lashes instinctually flutter shut.

“I didn’t mean what I said last night, Dazai,” you say so quietly that Dazai almost believes you. Almost. “I was drunk, I didn’t… I don’t know why I said that. I didn’t mean-”

“I don’t care about that,” Dazai says, proud of the way his voice stays sharp and cold. “I saw the messages between you and Tolstoy. I know what you’re planning. I don’t want to talk to you, I don’t even want to look at you, just leave me alone.”

You draw back at his words, concerned expression melting into a blank slate as you pull your hand away to sit back straight. Dazai misses your touch instantly, longs for the warmth to return but he forces himself to ignore it all, keeping his gaze pinned on you, watching the way your mind races behind your eyes. He wonders if you’re trying to figure out if you can salvage this, wonders if you’re going to lie.

Instead, a heavy look settles over your face as you frown, glancing back at the way you came and for a moment, Dazai thinks you’re just going to leave. You rise to your feet and words lodge in the back of his throat, preparing to spit insults at you: he wants to call you a coward, a liar, wants to tell you that you’re cruel and vile and he can hardly even stand to look at you.

But then you look back at him and hold out your hand to him. “Come on,” you tell him. “Let’s sneak you out of here… I’ll explain everything when we get out of the hospital.”

Dazai wants to be spiteful, wants to turn his head away and ignore you, wants to slap your hand and tell you that there’s no explaining what he saw.

But he doesn’t.

Instead, he places his hand in yours and lets that treacherous, treacherous spec of hope bloom in his chest again.

Dazai hasn’t spoken a word since leaving the hospital. You’ve tried to make small talk with him, but every time, he just turns his head away to look out the window. You gave up twenty minutes ago and Dazai is already regretting not indulging conversation with you because the silence is agonizing. He knows he should break it, but he doesn't know how to now. 

He glances at you from the corner of your eye. You’re leaning back against your seat, one hand on the steering wheel—he can’t see your eyes because they’re masked by sunglasses, but he can see the way your free hand rests on the gear stick, knuckles tense.

“What is this place?” Dazai clears his throat as he leans forward in his seat, peering out the windshield of your car to try to figure out where you’re taking him. He forces his tone to lighten, the smile on his lips strained. “Are you kidnapping me? Oh! Or are you taking me to some remote cabin to kill me? Bella, you truly know the way to a man’s heart.”

You let out a heavy sigh, one that makes Dazai toss a sweet smile in your direction. 

Some type of beach house, he recognizes as you pull up a windy road to the top of a cliff looking over the water. He can see to his left a path leading down to the water and to his right a nice view of a distant pier. It’s not a large house, but it’s nice—well-kept and refurbished with a view over Sagami Bay. It’s not too far out from Yokohama, probably only a little over an hour, but considering Dazai’s never left the city in his entire life, this might be the furthest he’s ever been. He can almost feel a bit of excitement bubbling in his chest. 

“I wanted to take you here, away from the city for a bit,” you finally say, fingers thrumming against the wheel of the car as you slowly guide the car up the gravel path. “So we can talk in peace.”

Your bland words whittle away his excitement and Dazai’s smile falters. He tries to distract himself with counting the strands hanging off the sleeve of his sweater but keeps losing count.

“Something you couldn’t have talked to me about in Yokohama?” Dazai asks airly as you pull to a stop in front of the beach house. 

He doesn’t turn to look at you, doesn’t move until you finally get out of the car, reaching into the back seat to grab two duffle bags, nodding for him to follow you.

Wow, he thinks dryly, you came prepared.

Dazai feels distinctly like he’s walking to his execution as he follows you to the steps leading up to the house, but instead of walking up them, you toss the bags on the porch and then continue up the path.

You’re going to push him off a cliff, Dazai thinks, feet dragging against the gravel as he follows you. This is it, all of the years that he’s longed for death and it’s finally about to find him at your hands. 

“I might not die from the fall,” Dazai says, words drawn long as he pouts. “You wouldn’t really leave me to suffer in freezing water, would you?”

“No,” you say, glancing back at him. He lets out a quiet breath of relief that’s quickly snuffed out when you add, “I’m not that sloppy with my kills. I’d kill you before dumping your body over the side of the cliff.”

Dazai blanches, but your lips curl up into an amused smile so he settles down, sighing as he purposely knocks his shoulder with yours.

“My bella is so cruel,” he sighs dramatically. “She hates me.”

You sigh as you reach the edge of the cliff, not turning to look at him. The wind whips around the two of you—it’s a cool, early spring night, the temperature just enough to be uncomfortable but you don’t seem bothered by it as you stare out across the water as the sun starts to set.

You’re beautiful, Dazai thinks, breath catching at the sight of you beneath the setting sun. The golden rays cast an ethereal glow over you, the wind ruffles your clothes and hair, and your expression is solemn in a way that’s become terribly familiar the past few weeks.

“I’m not going to do anything with the video,” Dazai finally says, voice quiet—finally taking the chance to say what he wanted to say last night. “You don’t have to keep… pandering to me because you’re trying to protect yourself. I was never going to do anything with it, I just… wanted you to give me a chance.”

When you look over your shoulder, you give Dazai a small, genuine smile that makes all of the air whoosh from his lungs. 

“Dazai, I’ve known you weren’t going to do anything with that video since day one,” you say, amused. “If I thought you were, I would’ve had someone confiscate it from your apartment.”

Dazai’s lips part, mind racing. “But then why-”

Your smile softens at the edges and you sigh as you lower yourself down to the ground, feet dangling off the edge of the cliff. Dazai joins you, thigh brushing yours and shoulders absently knocking together. Your hands rest in your lap and Dazai’s fingers twitch to reach for yours. He only hardly refrains himself.

“I don’t remember a life before this,” you say after a few moments, a distant look in your eyes as you stare ahead. “When I was seven… eight, maybe, I was pulled out of a warzone by the current leader of the Mafia. I don’t even remember my parents—anything about them. Their names. Faces. What they sounded like, what their job was. Mori… he found me in my town sitting in the middle of a whole pile of bodies and I couldn’t even point out which pair of corpses were my parents. I don’t remember anything before him… It’s all just black. Blurred.”

Dazai stares at you, eyes a bit wide as he listens to you speak. His lips part to say something but he decides against it, instead he seals his lips back shut and presses his shoulder against yours. Mori—that was the other name pinned up with Dazai’s message thread and Nakahara Chuuya’s—he must be the Port Mafia boss. His gaze traces your face as you stare ahead, catching the melancholic expression on your face. He itches to reach for your hand.

“I could hardly remember anything about myself. My first name… that’s just about it. My new birthday became the day Mori found me, my new surname—when needed—was his, he… he became my reason to live when I had none. Gave me a purpose,” you tell him faintly. “I spent two years on a warfront trying to figure out what my ability was so I could be the finishing touches of the immortal regiment that he was trying to create. As far as I remember, all I’ve known is… this. Him.”

Dazai wants to say something but every word he tries to push out dies on his tongue. Instead, he finally does reach out to grab your hand, fingers curling around yours tightly. You look down briefly, an unreadable expression on your face before it softens and… and for a split second, Dazai can see you, he can see you: not a hardened executive of a mafia, but an eight-year-old girl, lost and confused and landing in the arms of the wrong man, and it makes him sick.

The traitorous part of him wonders if you’re only telling him this because you still plan on following through with the memory wipe, so Dazai does what he always does when someone threatens to take one of the few things he wants—he digs his claws in and doesn’t let go. 

“The war ended before I could figure out how to use my ability and I followed… him to the underground. We ended up with the Port Mafia while the previous boss and his family were still leading. He was…” You trail off, frowning. “Dangerous. Yokohama was a terrible place under his leadership. He slaughtered civilians who spoke poorly about him and the Mafia, killed his own men for looking at him wrong… Mori became his doctor and for the good of the city, he decided to kill him.”

“I remember the old boss—what he did to the city,” Dazai says quietly—how could he not? His aunt was terrified of being in Yokohama because of him, was constantly talking about leaving the city… she finally did after dumping Dazai off in Suribachi and leaving him to fend for himself against the wolves. “It was bad.”

“It was,” you agree absently. “Mori—he wanted it to be as bloodless as possible. He tried every route, but the only way for it to be bloodless was if he had someone to corroborate that the previous boss died in his sleep and left the Port Mafia to him.”

Dazai almost scoffs.

“No one would believe that.”

“We’d hoped maybe one of his grandchildren would step up. Even if it was clearly a lie, people would have to listen because they were his blood,” you say with a wry smile. “They didn’t.”

“So, what happened then?” he presses when you don’t immediately continue. He frowns when he catches the sudden change in your demeanor, like you’re sick to your stomach, unable to push out the next words. He feels a bit dreadful, squeezing your hand gently. 

“We had to wipe out the whole family,” you whisper, looking down at your lap, “and any loyalists. I was fourteen when I killed someone for the first time. She was a girl my age—the previous boss’s granddaughter—she was asleep, had a bear tucked in her arm and a nightlight on the right side of her bed. I slit her throat, then both of her older brothers. They were kids.”

Oh.

Dazai’s throat spasm as he swallows, the picture forming in his head cold and chilling, but instead he forces out:

“You were a kid too.”

“No, I wasn’t. Hadn’t been for a long time,” you say, voice flat, leaving no room for argument. “We hunted down the whole bloodline, immediate to extended family. Mori was insistent on it, said we couldn’t risk one of them ever returning and upending everything we’ve built. He’s still searching for some to this day just to make sure.”

That’s… foreboding to say the least. Dazai watches you carefully, the grim expression on your face and the frown on your lips. He pulls your hand into his lap, tracing your fingers gently to try to ease you and he watches from the corner of his eye as your expression softens again when you look at him. It makes his chest feel tight and fluttery.

“I was sixteen when I met Itou.” The cold expression on your face warms at the unfamiliar name. Dazai watches as the corner of your lips curve up into a fond smile, as if you’re reminiscing. “He was seventeen. We were partnered up for years. This was his beach house—or, well, I don’t know whose it was but Itou took it. He was awful, honestly. A terrible fucking person, had more blood on his hands than any other member of the Mafia, found way too much joy in tormenting people. He was awful, but he was the closest thing I had to family. He tried to show me a world beyond just… bloodshed and violence. Took me to amusement parks on days off, snuck me onto school trips with random groups of kids and told me to ‘blend in’ as training for infiltration missions, showed me how to live, not just… survive. He died on a mission a few weeks after I turned eighteen, made me promise him that I wouldn’t go back to how I used to be without him, that I’d at least try to be happy.”

Double oh.

Dazai almost does throw up now, mind drawing back to a face that has been haunting Dazai for four years now, Odasaku’s last words ring through his head painfully—a reminder of his own inadequacy, of his failure to fulfill his friend’s dying wish.

He remembers the way your face shifted when he told you about Odasaku at Kido’s Boutique and he wonders if he’d reminded you of Itou back then when he spoke of the man and his promise, just like how he was reminded now. His grip on your hand tightens unintentionally—as if you can sense his thoughts, you squeeze his fingers gently. 

“I didn’t,” you say with a tight smile. “Threw myself into work, accepted that my fate was to live, breathe and die for the Port Mafia. I didn’t see the point of anything—well, not until I met you, at least.”

Dazai’s eyes flicker up to you, breath catching when you meet his gaze this time. And god, you look beautiful—so beautiful that Dazai thinks that if he dies now, he could die happy. He almost wishes that he could die now, fall off the side of the cliff with the image of you burned behind his eyelids. It would be a better death than he deserved.

“You made me happy. Make me happy,,” you tell him quietly and Dazai’s heart leaps into his throat. “So effortlessly that I can’t even understand how you do it, but it’s impossible for me to justify dragging you into this world just because I’m selfish.” Dazai parts his lips to disagree but you don’t even give him a chance to speak. “So when you came to me with your stupid blackmail, it was so… easy to just use it as an excuse for me to indulge in you.”

Dazai doesn’t get it. He still doesn’t get it. You’re sitting here talking to him, explaining everything, and Dazai still doesn’t understand. He makes you happy—he makes you happy and you make him happy, there doesn’t need to be any more complications than that. You don’t have to push him away, you don’t have to cut him off, you don’t have to use that memory wiping ability on him.

“I don’t understand,” Dazai says, voice hoarse. “You make me happy too, so why is…”

“Because Chuuya is right,” you say with a smile that doesn’t meet your eyes. “The risks… Dazai, you can’t ask me to put you in danger like this. It’s not fair.”

“It’s not fair to cut me off because you’re scared,” Dazai counters, voice a bit pitched. “It’s not fair that you want to wipe my memory without my consent. I don’t care about danger, I don’t-”

You look at him sharply, an intense expression on your face that makes Dazai hesitate.

“I never would have done it without talking to you first,” you say tightly. “Do you really think that little of me?”

Dazai looks away, not answering the question. “I never would have agreed to it,” he replies, voice equally tight as yours. “Never. It’d be a waste of your time.”

You sigh and Dazai feels you shift next to him but he pointedly keeps his gaze trained ahead, refusing to look at you. He feels your fingers brush his cheek before the pressure becomes a bit firmer as you turn his face so that he’s looking at you. You’re so close that his nose brushes yours, the pads of your fingers are warm against his skin; if he leans in just a bit, he’d be able to kiss you.

He wants to kiss you.

“You don’t know what’s at stake,” you say softly, breath fanning across his lips as you speak. He can almost taste the mixture of mint and nicotine on your lips—you smoke when you’re nervous, he’s noticed it over the past few weeks with you. The more nervous you are, the more cigarettes you run through; he wonders how many cigarettes you’ve gone through since you’ve gotten the call from the hospital. “The danger-”

“You want me,” Dazai whispers, squeezing your hand, leaning in a bit more. “No one has ever wanted me before. Not like this. Not for me. You want me.”

The last sentence—it doesn’t come out as a statement, it comes out as a plea. He wants you to say it. You didn’t the last time, but he needs to hear it now. Desperately. His nails dig into your hands, he doesn’t even dare to breathe as he waits for you to speak.

“I want you,” you agree, voice so quiet like you don’t even dare to speak the words out loud in fear of the consequences of them. “I want you. I want you so bad that it scares me, Dazai Osamu.”

And Dazai breathes. The breath he lets out is long and shaky, the relief that sweeps over him is almost debilitating. He searches your eyes to make sure you mean it and when he only finds honesty and a type of fear that he’s never seen in you before, Dazai knows.

“You think it doesn’t scare me?” Dazai asks you, voice cracking. “Everything I ever come to want is always lost. Ever since that first day we met, I-I knew that I wanted you more than anything I’ve ever wanted before and I’ve been terrified that one day you’ll leave me. Promise me that you won’t. Promise me.”

You stare at him and for a terrible moment, Dazai thinks that you’re about to shake your head and say you can’t, but then you swallow, nod and say, “I promise.”

Dazai kisses you. And then he kisses you again. And again. And again. Until his lungs burn and he can feel your lips curve up against his and even then, he kisses you still. Kisses you as the sun sets over the bay and the moon rises above the mountains. Kisses you until the wind becomes too bitter for the two of you to stay outside and still, he smiles as he peppers kisses across your face, walking back down the path to the beach house.

He ignores how your phone has been buzzing incessantly all night, praying for at least one day of peace before reality slaps the two of you in the face again.

[madridfangirl]

Jude in a Suit

(Jude Bellingham blurb)

1.7k words. SMUT.

Summary: What Jude in a suit did to you. Then what you did to him. And then what he did to you.

It was a lazy Saturday afternoon. 

Jude was at the Bernabeu, on a sponsor shoot for the club. While you were at his place, enjoying a siesta after a hectic week at work. Sprawled on the couch, Sangria in hand, your comfort show playing on Netflix. Waiting for him to return. The plan was to have an early dinner & crash - his week had been super tiring too. 

You were scrolling through your phone, when THOSE pics dropped.

HIM in a SUIT. Tight fitted back suit.

It disrupted your brain chemistry. And set your body on fire. It didn’t help that you were ovulating.

You had seen him in tight fitted suits before. But this time it hit different. He looked sharper, sexier, bulkier, stronger, more mature. This was a man, not the boy who had arrived from Dortmund last summer. One year at Madrid had turned him into a beast - a physical specimen, a mentality monster, a true-blue footballing legend in the making. 

This was a man who knew he was on top of the world. You couldn’t wait for him to get on top of you. 

‘Come home ASAP. Keep the suit on.’

Jude was intrigued when he saw the message, but the chaos around didn’t let him dwell on it too much. He just wanted to go home, to you.

He had barely gotten out of the car, when you practically ran out of the door and jumped on him. His chauffeur drove away swiftly, while Jude laughed & grabbed you with one arm, holding his bag in the other hand. Your arms and legs wrapped around him in a koala hug.

He effortlessly carried you inside, while you nipped and kissed every inch of skin on his face and neck you could get to. Exhaustion was long forgotten, as he tried to connect the dots of what was getting you so riled up.

But you were desperate. Feverish with need. Ready to combust any second.

‘Bedroom.’

It was an effort to peel your lips away from his skin long enough to utter this. But then you saw his charming toothy grin, which turned you on even more.

‘I’m sweaty & dirty.’

‘Good. Now move.’

You bit his lips. Hard. Not the gentle tugging he was accustomed to. But actual harsh digging of teeth into plump skin. Showing him you meant business. That time was not to be wasted.

He understood, swatted your ass in acknowledgement, and carried you upstairs to your shared bedroom.

Once inside, you took charge. Again something he wasn’t used to.

Pushing him to the middle of the room, you started undressing him. Ripping off his perfectly tailored coat, battling with the buttons of his skin-tight shirt, tugging at his tie harshly. But when he tried to do the same, you batted his hands away.

He cocked his head sideways, looking at you curiously, while you jostled with his belt buckle.

‘What’s gotten into you?

‘What’s important is what NEEDS TO GET INTO ME. YOU. But you aren’t moving FAST ENOUGH. Now sit.’

Amused, he sat down on the edge of the bed, still sizing you up. While you got rid of his trousers, shoes and socks. Leaving him in his black briefs. The bulge starting to show.

Jude had understood it was gonna be a different kind of a night. It was unchartered territory for both to see you so bold & forthright. He licked his freshly bitten lips at what was to come. But, he was also an eternal opportunist and knew when to pounce.

‘What do I get if I do as you say?’

‘Ummm SEX???’

‘Yeah - but your way.’

‘Fine. What do you want?’

‘You know what I want.’

‘NOT THAT.’

He wanted you to swallow, something you had been holding out on.

‘How about the other thing, then?

He wanted a sex tape, had been yapping about it for a while. 

‘Maybe. If you be a good boy now & play your cards right.’

His dick shot up at the words, struggling against his briefs, a movement both sets of eyes followed. No further verbal affirmation was needed.

‘Lie down.’

Obeying in bed was new for him. Especially with you. It had always been him tossing & bossing you around. Manhandling & manoeuvring you to his liking. But he decided to comply, for the sake of his prize. And for a new experience, which was starting to become thrilling.

You looked around for something to restrain him with, settling on his discarded tie. As you tried to tie both his hands together to the headboard, he chimed in with a helpful suggestion.

‘Belt will give a tighter grip.’

‘It will hurt.’

‘It won’t.’

But you didn’t want to take a chance, going with the tie instead. You tugged at the knot, satisfied. Then looked down at his almost naked, tied-down form. 

Jude had always been sexy, the sexiest man you had ever laid eyes on. But lying down like this, all obedient and pliant and inviting, ready to do your bidding, with a tentative smile & semi-anxious eyes, made you want to eat him whole. 

Stripping down to your undergarments, you sat on his waist, legs on either side of him, as your hands ran over his bare torso, admiring the rock-hard muscles. To him, you looked like a lioness on the prowl, sizing up her prey, before devouring it. He couldn’t wait to be devoured, itching for it now.

You pinched his perky nipples, hard, then bent down to suck on them ferociously. He hissed, as you repeated the action over & over, gazing into his eyes. Making him wonder if that’s how you felt the zillion times he had assaulted your tits like that. It was pleasurable, but it also made him super sensitive, almost sore, as he squirmed under your wet mouth.

With one final tug & flick, you let him go, moving to bite his flexing biceps. Leaving teeth marks all over. But tomorrow was an off day for him, and you. Enough time to recover. His team-mates won’t see the marks in the shower or in the sleeveless jerseys he was so fond of.

You slid down, tasting his abs now, licking the sweaty tight skin, tracing the dips and curves with your tongue. He was all hard muscle there, no fat. Your fingers played with his belly button, another trademark Jude move on you, and his back arched, feeling ticklish and needy now. 

Cupping him over his briefs, you stretched up to somehow find his lips in a sloppy kiss, while your hand slipped inside, finding him more than ready, his resulting grunt drowning in your mouth. 

‘Get on with it. Stop teasing now.’

Jude didn’t even need to look at you to know what you were doing. He had the habit of making you come on his fingers or mouth first, to open you up, before fucking you proper with his dick. You were returning the favour, stroking him vigorously, making him whine.

‘Please, not like this. Inside, please.’

You bit your lips seductively, batting your lashes at him, hand unwavering.

Removing the briefs, you took the leaking tip in your mouth, swirling your tongue around it. Your hand continuing to stroke the base. He arched his back and nearly leaped off the bed.

Your mouth moved to his meaty tree-trunk like thighs, grabbing hold of a mouthful of tight skin, biting down with abandon. Marking your territory. Revelling in the purple patches that were starting to form on his taut skin.

He twisted & turned on the bed, as you went back to lick the length of his member.

‘Please, baby. I love you. So much. Inside, my love.’

The bastard. He knew you would yield with this. And you did.

But also coz you really wanted to. Waiting to get him hard a second time was not an option, you could feel your own need soaking up your panties.

Ridding yourself of the remaining clothing, you started to slide down on him, hands planted behind on his thighs for balance. Jude moaned filthily, thankful for the familiar wet heat, squeezing him deliciously.

You rode him like your life depended on it, following your pleasure, learning from his moans too. Nails digging into his thighs and abs as you shifted balance, grinding on him, taking him deep, trying to find that spot which he usually found in only a few strokes.

‘Let me.’

You shook your head, this was going to be your thing. But no matter how much you tried and how good he felt inside, you knew he could do it better. Take you higher & deeper. Make you scream your lungs out.

‘C’monn doll, let me give you what you need, yeah?’

He knew your body, what made you tick, better than your own self. How, you had no clue. 

The moment you nodded, he pulled his hands away from the so-called hold, sitting up in bed, pinning both your hands behind you with one of his palms, while the other grabbed your ass.

You stared dumbfounded. Of course the grip was too meek for him. Of course he was just playing along for your sake. 

But you couldn’t dwell much on that since his mouth had found your chest, taking out all pent up need on your tits. The familiar sting unlocking mind-numbing sensations in you, like he knew it would.

His hips, thighs and one hand worked together to bounce you like a rag doll on him, and just like that, in a few seconds, he made you cry out by hitting your sweet spot. He hit it repeatedly, and your head spun, your body shuddered, your eyes watered, and your lips gasped his name. Your marauded fucked-out state and your clenching walls drawing him closer too.

You nearly came together, him a few seconds after you, but as always, he kept stroking sloppily, till every drop was safely inside, while you shuddered and shattered in his arms, on his cock.

You threw your head back and he slowly pulled out, laying you on your back, hovering over your spent form.

’10 minutes. Then my turn. And I’ll show you how a belt doesn’t hurt.’

He whispered in your ear, then slid away to find his DSLR, an extra skip in his step.

..............................................................................................

This man has ruined my life! I am not ok!

[1byhwng]

prompt 1: “Why don’t you understand that i love you?”

pairings- idol!felix + gf!reader

Felix has been busy every night with work. You didn’t really mind it because when he asked you out he told you his schedule would be physically and mentally demanding. So with him being away so much it was beginning to make you feel like you weren’t important to him anymore.

On his end though, he really wishes he could see you more but with all the promotions and comebacks he’s never had much time. Although he’s been trying his best to spend time with you it always seems like he’s doing it just to be doing it and he doesn’t really enjoy being around you.

It was 2 weeks after the tour and Felix had finally come home. Instead of greeting you will atleast a small grin or light smile, he looked bored and dissatisfied almost. You couldn’t help but think he was maybe getting bored of you. It’s been weeks since you’ve seen him and weeks since he’s seen you, yet it seems like it didn’t even bother him in the slightest. It was like he became an entirely different person when he got back.

After a few days of trying to you decided that maybe he didn’t care for you as much anymore and you would just have to accept that and move on or wait for him to get more relaxed so you could talk to him without starting a argument.

You had just gotten back from the store and you see Felix sitting on the couch watching a show even though you could tell he was zoned out. “Hey lix.” You say sitting down beside him. No response. “How was your tour? Sorry forgot to ask about it.”…No response. You decide to poke him a bit which caused him to look at you with a confused expression. “I was asking about the tour?” You say with a beat tone. “It was fine” he says not even looking at you but either way you wait for him to speak again but nothing comes after. “Felix, did I do something to upset you?”

He sighs before looking at you “I’m sorry baby, I’ve just been tired from all the work.”

“Then why won’t you let me help you?” You speak unsure about this entire situation. “Y/N, please..not right now.” You stay silent for a moment staring at the movie that played I front of you. “Why don’t you understand that I love you?..” He groans before turning his head to look at you “I do understand that y’ know, but things have been hard. I’m sorry I couldn’t be around more and I’ll try to be here for a while longer. Does that help?” He speaks pulling you to lay on his chest. You nod and get comfortable. “I love you too by the way.” He says kissing the top of your head.

[ruins-of-babylon]

Legacy

Mattheo Riddle x reader angst & smut

♡︎♡︎♡︎♡︎♡︎♥︎

𝒮𝓊𝓂𝓂𝒶𝓇𝓎：after your traitorous brother runs away, abandoning his carefully placed destiny, you are forced to take his place, abandoning any and all plans you had for your future.

𝒲𝒶𝓇𝓃𝒾𝓃𝑔𝓈：blood, main character gets cut, kinda psychopath main character at the end, fem pronouns, some smut, arranged marriage, kinda mean!mattheo, mentions of drugs and alcohol, mentions of self harm, you have a brother, let me know if I missed anything!

𝒩ℴ𝓉ℯ：how I felt writing, “it hung over your head like a halo, but it was nowhere close to holy.” : 😈

⚠︎︎⚠︎︎this fic is pretty dark. MDNI❗️⚠︎︎⚠︎︎

Your fate had been decided when you were 5 years old. It hung over your head like a halo, but it was nowhere close to holy. It was placed by your father, who was among the many servants of Voldemort, which made your role very important. You were not here for yourself, you were brought into this world for one purpose only. When he sat you down and told you this, it was hard to comprehend, your 5 year old brain not quite wrapping around the concept, but it became more and more real as you grew older. It went as followed: You would grow up, and at 20 years old you would marry the dark lord’s son, Mattheo Riddle. It would add power and influence to your family name. Your older brother, Alexander, would carry the family business along with the new generation, that ‘business’ would be working as the right hand man to the dark lord, his own private assassin. It was all set in stone, an unwavering commitment.

————

The first time you met your future husband was on the first day of your first year. He was gentler then, a mischievous but likable boy, before he turned bitter. He recognized you, having also being told his decided fate since day one, and came up to you. While you expected a handshake, maybe a hug, he instead pushed you to the hard ground before running away. The concrete dug into your soft skin, tearing your skin mercilessly. Your knees, palms, and elbows took the most damage, but his apparent dislike of you almost hurt more. You avoided him as much as possible, knowing you and him had an inevitable lifetime to spend with each other when you graduated. That, however, was hard, since you were both in the same house and had many classes together.

As the time passed, your disdain for him only grew. As he got older, his physical bullying turned to mental and emotional, plus he had earned himself the reputation as a manwhore, his ego growing too large for your liking. He was cocky, arrogant, irrational, and just a fucking dick. His attractiveness only made everything worse. You were conflicted; he clearly wasn’t attracted to you, from what you could tell, and you realized he would be a terrible husband. But god, was he handsome.

One night, you were hanging out with your friend group, which just so happened to contain Mattheo, at this moment. No one could tell where he was or would be at any given time. You all had gathered in a circle, playing truth or dare. Theodore Nott, being the annoying prick he was, picked Mattheo. He chose truth.

Theo’s exact words, “Are you happy to marry (Y/n)?” You all held your breath, his question echoed around the room as all the side conversations went silent. Everyone wondered the same question, but no one was brave enough to ask. Anticipation hung in the air, and you had a bad feeling he was going to say no.

“Not at all. I’d rather be with anyone else, but I have to be stuck with her, of all fucking people.” He said, looking at Theo as he spoke your worst fear. He made eye contact with you before continuing, “You’re the reason I’m miserable, you’ve ruined my life.” You held eye contact with him, an evil smile on his face, trying to maintain a stoic expression on your own. Your heart tensed, feeling heavy in your chest. You broke eye contact with him and stood up, waking away as calmly as you could. No one tried to stop you, or call out your name to come back. They all watched you as your feet carried you back to your room faithfully. Your vision swirled as tears brimmed in your eyes, but you wouldn’t let them fall until you were out of sight. A shaky breath of relief exited your lungs as you shut the door behind you, locking it and holding yourself as you let your body slide down to the floor against the door. The tears finally fell, a seemingly endless stream of them flowing down your cheeks, past your chin, settling on your lips. After what felt like hours, you stood up and walked towards your desk. You opened the top drawer and sorted around the various distractions you kept for moments just like these. To stay numb, you kept a small selection of drugs, small blades, a lighter and pack of cigarettes, and a few small bottles of various alcohol. You decided on a bag of fine white powder and a cigarette.

Later that night there was a knock at your door, as there usually was. You didn’t feel like opening it, satisfied to stay sitting on the windowsill blowing smoke into the night sky. But, unfortunately for you, you forgot to lock the door. As the door swung open, you didn’t even turn to look at him, already knowing who he was.

You blew out the smoke from your lungs. “What do you want?” You could hear his footsteps getting closer to you, but you still couldn’t find the energy to turn your head and look at him. His cold hand gently placed itself on your shoulder, turning you around to face him. You stared into his eyes, which looked like deep pools of honey if the sun shines just right. Now, in the darkness, they almost looked black, a probable reflection of his soul.

He held your gaze, an almost sorry look in his eyes. “You know what I say isn’t true, right?” He asks in a whisper. You nod, taking another drag of the cigarette between your fingers, looking back outside the window. His sighed, not content with your response. He took the cigarette from your hand and put it out on the ashtray next to you on the window. “Let me make it up to you.” He proposed, waiting for you to say yes.

A small smile graced your lips, “You better.” He laughed softly before picking you up and walking you towards your bed. He gently laid you down, your back on the soft mattress, taking off your clothes and throwing them down on the floor. His kisses started on your neck, your soft whines fueling his desire to please you. He moved down your body inch by inch, slowly placing his lips over your body, your collarbones, chest, breasts, torso, hips, and thighs receiving equal attention from him. He laid between your legs, slowly dragging a finger through your folds.

“My pretty girl, so wet for me.” He said, gathering some of your wetness on his fingertip before bringing it to your clit, keeping it still. Your body jolted at the stimulation, moaning for him to just move, do something. He quietly laughed at your desperation, finally moving his finger in small circles around your little bundle of nerves. “I love this perfect pussy so much.” You jumped at his actions, a whiny groan slipping past your lips. Taking his finger away from your clit, he brought it down to your entrance, slowly pushing it in as your inner walls gladly sucked him in. You grumbled at the loss of attention on your puffy clit before he replaced his finger with his mouth. He started with soft licks with the tip of his tongue, letting you relax into him, before he harshly sucked on your pearl, wrapping his lips around it. You nearly screamed from how good it felt, your legs moving around, switching between squeezing his head and opening wider, the stimulation almost too much. He laughed against you, sending delicious vibrations to your core before taking his finger out of you and pushing your legs apart. You moaned his name along with curses over and over again, almost sounding like you were worshipping him. How could you not when he made you feel so good? He switched between harsh sucks, gentle licks, and grazing his teeth against your sensitive clit, every now and then teasing your hole by pushing his tongue into it. It took almost no time before you were cumming against his mouth, breathing heavily as he drank up every last drop of your release. As you came down from your high, he pulled his body up until he was hovering right above you. His lips met yours with so much passion, so much love, you could almost believe he felt even a fraction of what you felt for him. After a moment, he pulled away.

“You’re so fucking good at that.” You told him breathlessly, savoring his chuckle. Oh how you wished he would love you. A silence settled between you, whether it was comfortable to awkward, you couldn’t tell. You just stared at each other, and you would have given anything to know what he was thinking about.

That was 2 weeks before your life would change, for better or for worse, you would find out. It was also the last time you would let him hurt you with his words. This change would start with an unexpected letter from your father:

（𝒴／𝓃）， ℐ𝓃 𝒶𝓃 𝓊𝓃ℯ𝓍𝓅𝓁𝒶𝒾𝓃𝒶𝒷𝓁ℯ 𝓉𝓊𝓇𝓃 ℴ𝒻 ℯ𝓋ℯ𝓃𝓉𝓈，𝓎ℴ𝓊𝓇 ℴ𝓁𝒹ℯ𝓇 𝒷𝓇ℴ𝓉𝒽ℯ𝓇，𝒜𝓁ℯ𝓍𝒶𝓃𝒹ℯ𝓇，𝒽𝒶𝓈 𝓇𝒶𝓃 𝒶𝓌𝒶𝓎．ℐ 𝓈𝓊𝓁𝓁ℴ𝓈ℯ𝒹 𝒽ℯ 𝓌𝒶𝓈𝓃’𝓉 𝓇ℯ𝒶𝒹𝓎 𝓉ℴ 𝓈ℯ𝓇𝓋ℯ ℴ𝓊𝓇 ℒℴ𝓇𝒹，𝒶𝓈 𝒽𝒾𝓈 𝓈ℯ𝓇𝓋𝒿𝒸ℯ 𝓌ℴ𝓊𝓁𝒹 𝒽𝒶𝓋ℯ 𝓈𝓉𝒶𝓇𝓉ℯ𝒹 𝒶𝓁𝓂ℴ𝓈𝓉 ℯ𝓍𝒶𝒸𝓉𝓁𝓎 𝒶 𝓎ℯ𝒶𝓇 𝒻𝓇ℴ𝓂 𝓃ℴ𝓌．ℋℯ 𝓌𝒾𝓁𝓁 𝓈𝓊𝒻𝒻ℯ𝓇 𝒶 𝓂𝓊𝒸𝒽 𝓌ℴ𝓇𝓈ℯ 𝒻𝒶𝓉ℯ，ℐ 𝒻ℯ𝒶𝓇．ℱℴ𝓇𝓉𝓊𝓃𝒶𝓉ℯ𝓁𝓎 𝒻ℴ𝓇 𝓎ℴ𝓊，𝓎ℴ𝓊 𝑔ℯ𝓉 𝓉𝒽ℯ 𝓅𝓇𝒾𝓋𝓁ℯ𝒹𝑔ℯ ℴ𝒻 𝓉𝒶𝓀𝒾𝓃𝑔 𝒽𝒾𝓈 𝓅𝓁𝒶𝒸ℯ．𝒜𝓈 𝓈ℴℴ𝓃 𝒶𝓈 𝓎ℴ𝓊 𝑔𝓇𝒶𝒹𝓊𝒶𝓉ℯ 𝓁𝒶𝓉ℯ𝓇 𝓉𝒷𝒿𝓈 𝓎ℯ𝒶𝓇，𝓎ℴ𝓊 𝓌𝒾𝓁𝓁 𝑔ℴ 𝓉𝒽𝓇ℴ𝓊𝑔𝒽 𝓉𝒽ℯ 𝓉𝓇𝒶𝒾𝓃𝒾𝓃𝑔 ℴ𝓇𝒾𝑔𝒾𝓃𝒶𝓁𝓁𝓎 𝓂ℯ𝒶𝓃𝓉 𝒻ℴ𝓇 𝓎ℴ𝓊𝓇 𝒷𝓇ℴ𝓉𝒽ℯ𝓇，𝒶𝓃𝒹 𝓇ℯ𝓅𝓁𝒶𝒸ℯ 𝒽𝒾𝓂 𝒶𝓈 𝓉𝒽ℯ 𝓅ℯ𝓇𝓈ℴ𝓃𝒶𝓁 𝒶𝓈𝓈𝒶𝓈𝓈𝒾𝓃 𝒻ℴ𝓇 ℴ𝓊𝓇 𝒢ℴℴ𝒹 ℒℴ𝓇𝒹．𝒫𝓇ℯ𝓅𝒶𝓇ℯ．

－ℱ𝒶𝓉𝒽ℯ𝓇

At first, it didn’t feel real. This had to have been some kind of joke, right? Alexander was so excited to take on his role, or so it seemed. As reality settled in, you started to distance yourself from everyone. You blew off your friends, preferring to stay in your dorm and wallow in self pity. It wasn’t fair. Your brother had his fate, you had yours. It was set in stone. You had almost looked forward to it at times. But not anymore. You had to suppress your emotions, adapt to this new world. You would train to become an assassin for the Dark Lord, you would destroy what you loved, everything you touched would break. For this, you had to sacrifice your feelings, tears, and longing for a life you could no longer have. You counted down the days until graduation, the time in between was hell. You left all your friends, replacing them with drugs. The time seemed to tick by slower and slower, like staring at a clock’s hands tick tick tick as they seemed to hesitate to go where you wanted.

A soft knock sounded from you door, and you had a sneaking suspicion of who it was. You didn’t know why he even bothered knocking. You never opened the door for him, nor anyone as of late. As the door slowly opened and his frame emerged from it, looking around for you. His eyes landed on your desk, slowly walking towards you to investigate. You slowly blinked at him as he watched you, clearly intoxicated. The evidence sat right behind you, the little white pills contrasting with the dark wood of your desk.

“Oh, angel,” he whispered, placing his hand on the back of your head and stroking your hair as you stared up at him. “Why?”

He was surprised when you laughed. It was mocking, cold. You didn’t feel anything for him anymore. You couldn’t. “Why are you here?” You asked him, clumsily pulling his hand from your head. Everything felt fuzzy, and you couldn’t stop chasing the feeling.

“Just wanted to check on you. You haven’t been coming to meals and your friends said you dropped them.” He answered, a seemingly genuine look of concern in his eyes.

“Haven’t you heard?” You asked him, referring to your cancelled marriage and your new role to fill.

“Heard what?” He was confused, his brows furrowed together as he anticipated your answer. You laughed again, thinking he must be joking.

“Your daddy didn’t tell you? My brother ran away so I have to take his place. And our arranged marriage is cancelled.” You state. You laugh again, everything seems so funny. Now he looks even more confused. Shock, horror, and despair run through his features as he takes it all in. Then he laughs, a nervous-sounding forced laugh.

“You finally get what you want. Lucky you.” You add, bitterly. Now, he’s silent. As you stare at his face, a sudden rage floods your veins. You stand up, facing him, and push him, your hands pressing against his muscular chest. Again, again, and again, you push him until he’s standing before your door, letting you move him. As you move to push him one final time out of your dorm, he stops moving at your will.

“Wait,” he starts. “I-.”

You interrupt him. “GET OUT!” You scream at him, balling your hands into fists and beating his chest as hard as you can, but he doesn’t seem to feel it. A cold bucket of water seems to fall on your head, everything you’ve bottled for the past weeks suddenly bursting from its cage. Tears flow freely down your face, you finally stop hitting and screaming at him, placing your palms flat on his chest and resting your head between your hands, crying into him. He gently strokes your back, holding you against him. He rests his cheek on the top of your head, comforting you.

“I’m sorry, my love,” he says. “Let it all out.” He’s so gentle, holding you, speaking comforting words, trying to make you feel better. This might be the only time you’ve ever felt truly safe and loved, and that scares you. Just as you feel the warmth in your chest, you push him away one final time, so the cold can settle in again. You slam the door and lock it, sliding down it onto the floor as he bangs against it a few times.

”Please, baby, let me in.” He says, you can tell he’s right outside. You’re tempted to open it, let him in, let him hold you and make you feel loved for the last time. But as your hand hesitantly reaches up, you stop it. It will hurt more if you let him again. The tears still fall, an added weight on your shoulders. You slowly crawl from the door to your bed, exhaustedly tucking yourself in, curling into a ball as he continues to try to convince you to open the door from the outside.

❀❀❀❀

How did I get here? You wonder as you stood before the dark lord himself, his son standing a little farther behind him. Your father’s instructions had been rather clear: tell him what he wants to hear, don’t talk back, be respectful. You fidget with your fingers behind your back, subtly wiping your sweaty palms against your pants. Your heart was beating fast inside your chest, your head pounding.

“It was such a shame that your brother ran away. Now you must take his place, revise any plans you thought you had for a life you never imagined.” He said, walking in tight circles around you. You stared at the floor in front of you.

“He made his decision, however selfish it was. The show must go on.” You curtly replied, a tone in your voice that you didn’t intend. You brought your hands back to your sides, pressing your palms to the sides of your thighs, brushing the fabric of your pants. You could feel his presence behind you, radiating a cold sort of energy that contrasted with the hot room.

“Yes, you are correct. I must inform you that your first assignment will be to hunt him down and kill him. Will that be a problem?” He asked, now standing a foot away from you to your left. You had suspected something like this.

“Not at all. My duty will always come before emotion.” You answered, hoping that would satisfy him. You still looked down, following a crack on the concrete floor with your eyes. You could feel your palms sweating again.

“Good answer, my dear.” He said, now standing directly in front of you. You brought your eyes up to meet his. “There’s one last thing I will do, then you’re official.” He finished. Mattheo stayed completely still, not a single word from him as he stood watching you. So much hung between you, there were so many emotions, words, and tension you wanted to share, say, and break.

“Anything.” You calmly replied, ready to face whatever he had for you. From his robes he pulled a dagger with a jagged blade, spurring your curiosity. As he reached for your right hand, he pulled it towards himself, facing your palm upwards. He inspected the dark mark inked on your wrist before bringing his attention back to whatever he was doing. You held your breath, waiting for him to place the knife in your hand. Several seconds passed as the both of you just stood there, his cold hand grasping your wrist as you nearly shook from anticipation. He briskly pulled his hand up, and as you stared at your reflection, you felt a wave of some emotion you couldn’t name flood your bones. As you began to prepare to be pierced by his blade, he instead rested it in your hand. Just as you breathe your sigh of relief, he rotates the blade slightly and slices right through your palm, a deep and forceful cut. The blade must have been very sharp; It seemed to glide through your skin with little effort. The pain hits you all at once, a stinging sensation emitted from the wound. You gasp, sucking in a sharp breath, and bite your lip hard enough to pierce the delicate skin, now bleeding.

Blood poured from the wound like a fountain as you took it all in. All the pain, all the feeling, all the blood, flowing down your wrist and soaking the ground below you. You couldn’t close your eyes. That was the moment you knew this would suit you. The sight of your blood flowing from you satisfied an itch deep inside. You craved it, again and again, ready to devote your life to the craft assigned to you by cruel karma, god, the universe, or whatever you want to call it. Although, it was right. This is what you were born for. This is what you will die for. In fate’s eyes, you watch yourself. ‘This is me.’ Is all your reflection seems to say.

This is me.

𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷

Hello lovelies! I hope you enjoyed. I’m thinking of doing a part two about Mattheo’s POV, so let me know if you’d like that! <3

[enhaheeseung]

NOBODIES - L. HS

Pairing: heeseung x fem reader!

Warnings: smut, unprotected sex, physical and verbal abuse, cursing, blood, crying, mental illness, mentions of suicide, smoking.

WC: 11,933k

Note: some of my older writing so if it’s not good please forgive me :(

3:00 am

While most people were asleep at this time, you could be found wide awake, sobbing quietly a few blocks away from your home.

Home.

A place you wish that you could be far away from and never come back.

Home.

A place where your parents abused you every night.

Home.

A place that didn’t feel like home.

You look out into the night sky with scraped knees, a black eye, and dark bruises covering your fragile body.

Every day was the same. Your parents abused you each chance they got for the unfortunate outcome of a broken relationship. They blamed you for why everything fell apart between them. They always told you everything was fine until you came along. Those dreadful words replayed in your mind daily.

Was it regret, was it something you did, was it just cause they didn’t have time for you? You’d never know.

You didn’t ask for this. You didn’t ask to be born, if it was your choice. You’d choose not to be born, that way, your parents would be happy, and you would have never existed.

In the distance, you could hear faint sounds of footsteps approaching as they got closer and closer.

A shadow figure came into clear view, standing right above you.

“What are you doing out here so late? It’s not safe for you to be all alone.” you kept your head down so the stranger, who could only be identified as male from the sound of his voice, would not see your bruised face.

“I could say the same thing to you,” you respond quietly.

“What if I told you I don’t want to be safe?” the unknown man crouches down, taking a seat next to you on the sidewalk and inviting himself into your personal bubble.

“Then I’d ask you why.” You wipe your tears discreetly.

“Cause I don’t know what safe feels like, and that scares me.” You hear rustling close to your side, and a metal cling sound, soon followed by a strong smell of cigarette smoke that fills your nostrils. “I hope you don’t mind the smoke.”

What bothered you more than the smoke was that you could relate to every word he just said to you.

“I assume from your silence and being out here all alone you feel the same way.” he deeply exhales the smoke.

“N-no, I don’t,” you lie.

“Please don’t waste time lying to yourself. I had to figure that out the hard way.” He responds.

“What do you know?” You question feeling irritated by him being able to read you like an open book.

“More than I want to know, so what should I call you?” He hums.

“I don’t give my name to random strangers.” you snapped at him.

“Fair enough, I’ll just call you darlin” he clicks his tongue.

“Whatever,” he lets out an airy laugh from your feisty attitude.

“So tell me, Darlin, why are you crying?”

“It’s none of your business,” you mutter.

“It’s not, and I’m not forcing you to tell me.” he inhales the smoke, flicking the ashes on the cold, hard cement.

“You wouldn’t understand.”

“Try me, darlin'. I understand more than most people.” even though you didn’t look up, you could feel his eyes looking down on you.

You pull up your sleeve, showing him the cuts and bruises on your left arm.

His breath gets caught in his throat at the familiar sight.

“I told you you wouldn’t understand.” you roll your sleeve back down. You should have never told him in the first place. You have no idea why you were even still talking to him.

“No, I do understand,” he’s quick to correct you.

“You’re not acting like it.”

“I just- I’m sorry, it reminds me of someone I used to know, that’s all.” he felt his heart ache at the memory despite how many years it’s been.

“Who?” You wonder, feeling somewhat curious.

“A girl.” he looks off into the distance, taking a puff of his cigarette.

“What is she like?” You ask.

“I don’t think words could describe what she’s like, but if I had to try, I’d say beautiful, someone who gave me a reason to keep going, different but different in the best way possible, the sweetest girl you’d even meet with the bitterest smile you’d ever see” his tone drops to that of a whisper at the last few words he spoke to you.

“She must be really important to you,” you say, feeling envious. You wished you had someone that saw you that same way.

“She’s more than important. She’s my life.”

You take in his words, nodding in understanding.

“How about you? What’s the most important in your life?” He flips the question on you.

Your lips curve into a slight smile. “A boy”

“What is he like?” He asks, his tone just as curious as yours.

“Special. he was the only person in my life who cared about my happiness,” you smile sadly.

“Was? Where is he now?”

“One day, he just disappeared without a trace and without a goodbye. To this day, I still think about him.” you nibble on your lip trying to hold back more tears.

“I guess we all have that one special person we can never forget,” he sympathizes with you.

“Why am I even telling you this?” You scold yourself internally.

“Now that, I don’t understand,” he chuckles softly. “But I’m glad you did.”

“I should get going now.”

“Too bad, I was having fun.” You stare at him as he drops the cigarette bud, stomping it into the ground and putting out the small orange embers. “Goodnight, darlin',” he says as his tall, slender figure slowly disappears into the windy night.

Standing up, you take heavy steps up the pathway and back to your home.

Heeseung walked the streets alone to clear his mind, or at least that’s what his psychiatrist used to tell him.

He didn’t see the point in it. There was nothing comforting or mind-clearing about walking nevertheless, he did it anyway cause he still enjoyed the silence of the night.

However, the encounter he had tonight was somewhat peaceful, and it gave him a sense of comfort, a comfort that he hadn’t felt in a long time, maybe cause he hadn’t talked to anyone outside of the walls of the institution since ten years ago when he was admitted by his own parents.

His parents who never paid him any attention. He tried his hardest to earn their praise, studying without breaks, picking up piano, and becoming the captain of the basketball team, but nothing was good enough. They always looked over him, and his older brother got all the praise. Sure, heeseung wasn’t nearly as accomplished as his brother, but there wasn’t a need to compare when they both did well for themselves. At least, that’s how he saw it.

It was only one day he had finally had enough he had just got offered to sing for the schools band at an event in town and when he told his mother and father they just laughed in his face, and he’ll never forget what his father said to him. “It’s a miracle they would even want a talentless dim wit like you,” and that was it. At that moment, he knew they didn’t care.

But he still tried to make them care cause he didn’t want to believe the cruel reality of being the black sheep of the family and being compared to his brother all the time.

It was an extreme method, but he threatened to take his own life just so they would look in his direction, and they somewhat did, but not the way he wanted them to. After the incident, he overheard them both having a conversation about what happened. “I always knew he had issues,” he could faintly hear his mother's voice say, and that was the end of it. After that, he was certain they didn’t care and never would and that cry for help ultimately led to him getting treatment for mental health issues that he never even had to begin with, but what hurt the most was that they didn’t even ask what was wrong or if they could help. As a small boy all he ever wanted was to make his parents proud and to make them care, but no matter what, he just couldn’t.

Even though it was technically his fault why he ended up in the ward, he still blames them for everything.

Especially for taking him away from the one thing he cared about most, his friend, his crush, the only person on the planet that made him feel like he was special. He had to leave her so much sooner than he had ever expected.

He remembers everything like it was just yesterday, but unfortunately for him, it wasn’t. Today was the official mark. The last day he saw her was ten years ago.

The highlight of his day was seeing her at the swing set. She always sat there during break, swaying her legs back and forth as she stared at the ground meaninglessly. For some unknown reason, heeseung was drawn to her like a magnet, maybe it’s cause he used to sit on the same swing set every day with that same meaningless stare after being bullied.

He was bullied in school for not being smart enough, hit by his father for being a “failure,” and rebuked by his mother for smoking and doing drugs, which was his first helpless cry for attention, but that, unfortunately, turned into a habit and slowly an addiction and every day he swore it was his last pack but the full ashtray in his car said otherwise.

He finds himself reaching in his coat pocket for another tobacco-filled stick. He pats his butt pocket in search of his lighter, that was nowhere to be found.

“Shit,” he mutters with the cigarette resting on his moist lip. He remembered setting it down on the sidewalk where he was talking to you, and he turned in the opposite direction to where you both talked moments ago.

Spotting his shiny silver lighter on the sidewalk, he dusts it off, holding it to the end of his cigarette, cupping the small flame to shield it from the night wind. Before he could even take the first puff, he heard a loud scream in the distance, causing his cigarette to fall to the now rain-covered ground.

“Y/n! What did I tell you about staying out this late!” He hears a male voice just a few feet away, and if he’s not mistaken, you were the same girl he talked to not even fifteen minutes ago. He stares at the scene before him, watching the male, who he assumed was your father, raising his hand and landing a hard slap against your cheek. He flinched at the sound that echoed throughout the silent night. He squeezed his eyes shut. That one sound alone brought back so many memories that he didn’t want to remember.

So many memories he wished to forget.

He could hear your loud sobs, and the door slammed a few seconds later. He continued his not-so-mind-clearing walk back home normally. He would count each step he took on his way back, but no matter how hard he tried to focus, he couldn’t stop thinking about the sound of your cries. It haunted him until he reached home, laying in his bed, and even when his head hit his pillow, he could still hear the pain in your voice. He was reminded of the time he had faced the same abuse years ago. Tears rolled down his cheek, staining his pillow, and that night, he didn’t get not even one minute of sleep.

Oddly enough, heeseung found himself taking the same path home as last night, which was unusual because he’d always find a new path home every night, but tonight, it’s like his feet were taking him back to you. What was even more odd was the small smile that crept up on his solemn features when he saw you sat alone with your knees to your chest.

It’s been ages since he genuinely smiled.

“So we meet again, darlin',” you hear his familiar voice, soon realizing it was the man from last night. He sits next to you, and for a moment, you feel like you never left the sidewalk, but the bruise on your left cheek is evidence that you did indeed leave the sidewalk and go home that night.

You quickly look up, meeting his eyes for the first time, then looking back down to hide the cuts and scrapes on your face.

Before you could look away, he had already seen the bruises on your delicate face.

“You should probably clean your wounds. They won’t heal properly if you don’t, and I’m sure you have enough scars already.” he didn’t just mean the ones on your body but the ones on your heart, too.

“How did yo-“ You cut yourself off, realizing that he must have seen them when you glanced up at him.

“Wait here.” he walks down a few blocks to a small gas station, grabbing ointment and bandages for your cuts.

“Will that be all?” The cashier behind the desk asks.

“One pack of Lo Crux.” he ponders on it for a moment, knowing a box would only last him a day, if that. “actually, make that two.” The cashier gives him a look, and heeseung could tell that look from anywhere, the look of judgement, but he no longer cared about the opinions of others. He gave up on people the day his parents gave up on him.

He pays for everything, exiting the store, lighting up a cigarette on his way back to you. “Here,” he hands you a red ring pop.

A small smile could be seen on your lips if it wasn’t so dark, but it was still there. “Thank you,” you mutter. For a moment, you felt like you went back to your childhood, remembering the small boy who always sat next to you. He would give you a red ring pop whenever you looked sad, which was every day, you missed him. He was the only person who was ever kind to you, but when you were both in fifth grade, he disappeared and never came back. You went to the park and sat at the swing set every day, hoping he’d come back to you, but he never did.

“Don’t mention it.” somehow, your smile looked familiar. It held so much pain and happiness at the same time. It reminded him of the girl he told you about back in fifth grade that he used to have the biggest crush on. Unfortunately, she always looked so sad, he went to the corner shop every day just to spend his only allowance on a red ring pop. They always cheered him up when he was sad, so for the rest of his school days, he made it a point to give one to her just to make her smile.

He pulled out the first aid kit, dabbing off the dry, crusty blood on your lip as you whimpered in pain. “Shh, it won’t hurt for long, I promise,” he whispers as his warm breath fans your face.

You take a good look at his features up close. Admiring his handsome face, you happened to notice a small mole on the front of his ear in the same spot as the boy who always gave you a ring pop back in school. You shook your head slightly. There was no way it was him. It couldn’t be. You dismissed your delusional thoughts and focused back on his face.

He applied a small amount of ointment on the cleaned wounds and placed a bandage on them. He stared deeply into your eyes, examining your face. He knew it was rude to stare, but he couldn’t help but look at you. Even with a tear-stained face and cuts all over, you still looked stunning to him. “All done,” he says breathlessly, using every last bit of his strength to pull away from you even though you felt like a magnet sucking him in.

“Why?” You had no idea why this stranger was caring for you, especially after your parents said that you were incapable of being loved and cared for.

“Why what?” He says, shifting his eyes away from you after what felt like an eternity for him.

“This,” you point to the band-aid on your face.

“Cause you were hurt, and I don’t like when people are hurt.” he lights another cigarette that’s already two in less than ten minutes.

Yes, you were counting.

“So why are you hurting yourself?” You ask, noticing that every moment you spent with him up till now, he had a cigarette.

His eyebrows clash together in confusion. “hmm?” He replies.

You motioned toward the two packs of cigarettes he just bought.

“Oh, hard habit to break, I guess.” He laughs breathily, “But being alone on this earth is what hurts me the most,” He smiles sadly, looking at the cloudy night sky.

“Why does being on this earth hurt you?” You ask, intrigued by the young gentleman.

“Darlin, you ask too many questions.” He shifted uncomfortably. “How about this a question for a question that way, it’s even, deal?”

You nodded your head like a child.

He resumes right where you left off, “Cause this earth is unfair, and it hurts knowing that the one person who needed me the most is somewhere out there and I’ll never see her again,”

“I’m sorry you have to go through that.” you look at him, eyes full of sincerity.

“It’s not your fault, so tell me, why are you always out here alone?”

Before you could answer, you saw the lights from your house turn on. Your mother was looking out the blinds, waiting for you to come back inside.

You never understood why they wanted a curfew for you. It’s not like they cared about you or your safety.

“Sorry, I have to go now. Will you be out tomorrow?” You stand up, and he joins you shortly after.

“Sure, and no need for an apology, darlin, same spot?” He asks. He didn’t exactly plan on coming back, but since you mentioned it and he had nothing better to do, he supposed he’d come back.

Something about him saying “same spot” sounded so familiar, but you couldn’t quite place your finger on it.

“Same spot,” you confirm, turning around getting ready to leave. Before you leave, you realize you still didn’t catch his name.

“Wait! I never got your name,” you yell into the night, watching as he turns around from the sound of your voice.

He takes his hands out of his coat pockets, throwing them in the air as the cold breeze flows through his black hair and long trench coat. “darlin',” he says. A few beats of silence ensue, making your heart beat faster in anticipation as you shiver slightly from the cold. “I’m nobody and everything to someone,” he shouts, a wide smile making its way to his face.

“What does that mean?” You shout back.

“Whatever you want it to mean, have a good night, Darlin.” he turns around with a hearty chuckle, lighting up another cigarette before putting his hands back in his pockets and counting his steps all the way home.

Just like he said he would, he sat next to you on the sidewalk. The conversation started right where it left off.

“It’s my turn, darlin.” His voice hangs in the air for a moment before you reply.

“I sit out here alone 'cause the silence brings me peace, and the cold air reminds me to feel.”

“Why do you need to be reminded to feel?” he asks with a curiousness in his tone.

A small chuckle bubbles in your chest. It was the first time in a long time that you genuinely laughed. “I think it’s my turn.”

He smiled to himself. “You’re right.”

“Why did you decide to stop and talk to me?”

“I can’t put a finger on it, but something about you reminds me of someone I used to know so you could say,” he pauses, flicking his lighter open and taking a puff of his third cigarette of the night as he exhales the smoke and turns to look at you. “I was drawn to you.”

It took you a minute to compose your thoughts. His gaze was so intense that you could have been trapped in it if you looked for too long. “Now that you mention it, I was thinking the same thing about you.”

“Yeah? Who do I remind you of, Darlin?” He says intrigued.

“He was the boy I told you about before. He was from my class. He’d visit me at the swing set every day after school. There was one thing he did that I’ll never forget, whenever I was sad, he would always give me a red ring pop just like the one you gave me a few nights ago. When it was time for us to go home, he’d always ask same spot. And I’d reply, same spot.” You smiled at one of your happiest memories, and then it dawned on you why him saying same spot felt so familiar, but you still shrugged it off. You figured your mind was just playing tricks on you.

Heeseung froze right where he sat, unable to move, the red ring pop, the swing set, your sad smile. He remembered it all as he exhaled a deep breath. “what was the boy's name?” He asks with a shaky breath.

“You’re asking too many questions again.” you laugh but answer him nevertheless. “Heeseung, Lee heeseung,” you say with a bright and fond smile.

He stares at your face for a good minute. The corners of his lips turn into a frown as his eyes sparkle with tears. He drops his cigarette from his fingers, pulling you into the tightest hug while crying on your shoulder. You very slowly hug him back, even though you were extremely confused by the sudden action.

After his cries settled down a little, he said something that you wouldn’t believe not even in a million years. “y/n, it’s me, heeseung.” he pulled away from the hug to wipe his tears.

Now it was your turn to freeze right in your spot. “n-no, it can’t be you,” your eyes watered with tears replicating his.

He looked different. His skin was pale. He didn’t have his same bowl cut. He had an undercut with a scratch design on the side. His baby face was gone, his jaw was sharper and more defined. The sparkle that used to be in his eyes was now dimmed to that of nothing, and yet, behind everything else, you could still see the small boy who visited you at the park every day.

“I missed you so much.” he took your hands in his, squeezing them lightly.

You pull your hands away from his grasp, making him look at you with hurt and confusion written all over his face. “if you missed me, you wouldn’t have ever left me alone. You knew I needed you.” instead of feeling happy about seeing him, you felt angry remembering how he left you all alone when you were at your absolute lowest.

“Y/n, no, it’s not like that. I swear to you, if it was my choice, I would have never left you.” he holds your shoulders, making you look at him. “Please let me give you the explanation you deserve after all these years,” he pleads with you because he couldn’t lose you after just finding you again.

You chewed on your bottom lip, giving him a small nod after contemplating his words.

“I never told you this, but I was having a very tough time back then. Even though I didn’t show it, I was failing in school. I went through the same abuse as you every night from my parents. I turned to smoking and drugs as an escape and a cry for help, but nothing worked. It got so bad I threatened to take my own life, and they sent me to a mental institution. That’s why I didn’t come to see you anymore. It wasn’t cause I didn’t want to, but I couldn’t.” He rambles on with desperation in his voice. “Y/n, you were the only person in this fucked up world that made me feel like living, if I had a choice, I would have stayed by your side forever.” He explains with nothing but sincerity.

No.

Not heeseung, not the little loving, caring boy that made you smile every day, you never knew that he was hurting on the inside. Why out of everyone on this god-forsaken earth? Why him? He didn’t deserve it.

“Y/n, you have to believe me. I-I’d never leave you. I loved you,” his voice cracked while more tears trickled down his face. “I still love you.” he cupped your face, wiping the tears from your cheek as he cracked the tiniest smile. “I promised you I was going to marry you when we got older, remember?”

You felt overwhelmed. There was so much information coming at you that you could barely process it, but you didn’t need to process it. All that mattered was that he was back, Lee Heeseung was back, and he was everything that you ever needed. “Yeah, I remember,” you smile softly at him.

Your childhood friend and first love came back to you and confessed that he loves you, too. Just when you thought your life was all but over, he came back to you.

“Heeseung, I believe you, and I love you too. I’ve always loved you ever since we were little when you gave me my first kiss.” you pulled him into a hug, never ever wanting to let him go.

“I can’t believe we found each other again.” he hugs you so tightly. You could feel his how fast his heart was beating against your chest. You could have almost mistaken it for your own.

“You have no idea how much I needed you these past years.” you hug him back even tighter.

“Me too, y/n.” he rests his chin on your shoulder. “Me too,” he says, patting your back comfortingly. “I’m here now.”

The only sound to be heard was the gentle wind blowing softly against the trees as you both reunited with each other after so many long insufferable years.

“Your hugs still feel the same, just a little bit stronger,” he chuckles.

“Sorry,” you laugh, along with him loosening your grip.

He contemplates his next words carefully.

“It still happens, doesn’t it?” Even as a young boy, he knew what your parents did to you, and he despised them for it. He found out when you came to school on the first day, it was 90 degrees outside, and you were wearing a sweater. He noticed immediately when you grabbed the chains on the swing, your sleeves rolled down just enough for him to see scars and fresh bruises, and after that, it became his mission to make you forget and to make you smile.

“Every night,” you whisper.

“Why do you stay?” he whispers.

“Cause they’re still my parents,” you cuddled up to him closer.

He knew exactly what that feeling was like. “Come with me just for the night.” he rubs your back soothingly.

“If they find out, they’ll kill me.”

“Then they don’t have to find out I’ll bring you back early in the morning, trust me?”

“I trust you.”

And trust him, you did with your whole entire life.

You both walk hand in hand to his house, the only sound coming from both your footsteps on the cold cement.

“Like yesterday,” he pauses for a second. “You and me, it feels just like yesterday. Your hands feel the same, your laugh sounds the same, and your smile is still the prettiest. I could swear that I’m ten years old again.” he tightens the grip he had on your hand.

You couldn’t deny it. It felt just the same, “me too,” you lean on his shoulder.

When you both arrive at his doorstep walking in, you see nothing but an empty room with white walls, one chair, and a small table very minimalistic, almost like he had just moved in.

“Wh-“ You didn’t finish your sentence before his lips were on yours. He cupped your cheeks gently while kissing you ever so softly. You instinctively responded to the kiss, wrapping your hands around his neck and kissing him back with the same devotion.

He pulled away to take a breath and when he opened his eyes. he was even shocked to see your face so close to his something must have come over him, and he had zero self-control over what just happened. “I honestly don’t know where that came from. I'm so sorry.” before he could even continue apologizing, you were already initiating another kiss.

You bring his face mere inches away from yours. “Don’t be,” you say against his lips, pulling him closer for a more heated kiss than the last.

He groaned into the kiss, gripping your waist carefully. “y/n,” he swallows thickly, touching his forehead to yours with his eyes closed. “We’re not kids anymore. If we continue like this, just kissing won’t be enough,” he warns you cause he knew if things went further, he wouldn’t be able to stop himself, or at least he wouldn’t want to.

“Then let’s do more than just kiss.” he picks you up, taking you to his room.

You both take turns riding each other’s clothes, and you lay back on his bed, slightly covering your chest with your hands.

“There’s no need to cover up. You’re beautiful.” he gently takes your hands away from your chest, lacing your fingers with his while he hovers over you, his eyes never leaving yours for a second.

He pins your clasped hands to the mattress, and you wrap your legs around his back while he leaves open-mouth kisses all over your neck. “Heeseung,” you moan softly, feeling the heat rise to your cheeks and your body flush with desire.

He works his way down lower, swirling his tongue around your erect nipples as you tug on his hair in search of anything to grip onto.

You tangled your hands in his hair, making him emit a soft moan. He ghosts his fingers along your sides, a shiver slowly running up your spine as he leaves a trail of wet kisses along your abdomen. Slowly continuing his way between your legs, he placed three small experimental kisses on your pubic bone before giving your clit a soft lick. The feeling makes your back arch and your toes curl as he continues to lick your folds. While putting your legs over his shoulders, he rests his palms on your lower stomach, tracing his fingers all the way up to your sensitive breasts, giving them both a light squeeze as he uses his thumb to press down on your nipples, rubbing them in small circles.

He laps at your folds, getting a taste of your arousal that begins to leak out. The tip of his pointy nose brushes against your clit, adding even more pleasure. You could feel yourself getting close already. He uses his left hand to stick two fingers inside you easily from how wet you have gotten. He moves his fingers in and out of you while making a scissoring motion to open you up for him.

When he felt your walls tightening on his digits, he pumped his fingers inside you faster while sucking on your clit to make you reach your climax.

Your legs began to shake from the strong feeling of your impending orgasm. You whimper his name quietly when he brings you to complete bliss as he slows the pace of his fingers, calming you from your state of pure ecstasy.

He climbs above you on the bed, moaning softly when his wet tip rubs against your thigh. He leans down to place a loving kiss on your sweet lips. “Still the prettiest girl I’ve ever laid my eyes on.” he runs his thumb along your jawline, taking in your beauty mixed with all the little flaws.

You look deeply into his eyes, feeling so many emotions that you couldn’t even explain. “I love you,” you say, encircling your arms around his thin waist.

He buried his face in your neck to hide the little tears that had formed in his eyes. He dreamt of you saying those words, but he could have never imagined his dream would ever come true. “I love you too,” he says near your ear, his voice barely above a whisper.

He holds himself up, looking at you briefly before he lined himself up with your entrance. Pushing his tip past your folds as slow and gentle as possible.

You clawed at his back from the slight pain of the intrusion as he pecked your forehead sweetly.

At the first sound of discomfort you made, he immediately stopped. “I’m sorry I should have asked sooner, but Is this your first time?” You nod your head without making any eye contact with him.

“Hey, look at me.” he tilts your chin, making you look at him. “It’s mine too. It’s okay. We’ll go as slow as we want. We have all night.” he gently rocks his hips back and forth to get you used to the indescribable feeling. He continues at a slow pace until he feels you starting to relax. “That’s it, just breathe and relax. It’ll fade away soon, I promise.” he guides you through the nerve-racking experience with his slow gentle strokes and soft voice. You follow his instructions, taking, steady breaths, just like he promised. The pain soon faded, and you felt like you needed something more. It didn’t take him long to realize, and he went a bit faster before pulling all the way out, leaving in just the tip and pushing back in all the way until he was sheathed in the deepest part of you.

“You feel like a dream.” he sets the perfect rhythm slow enough to feel every inch of his shaft but fast enough for it to be the most pleasurable feeling you’ve both ever felt.

“Heeseung,” you whimper, scratching at his back lightly.

“Careful, darlin',” he warns you in a delicate voice.

You caressed his back over the part you had scratched. Your eyebrows creased, feeling the scared and resin skin against your fingertips.

He takes both your wrists in his hands, placing them lower around his waist to hide his wounds, and puts your legs on his shoulders, aiming his thrusts slightly upward inside you at the perfect angle, caressing your spot each time.

“I-is this okay? Does that feel good?” he grunts lowly, not being able to speak properly from the way your walls were gripping him so tightly.

“It feels perfect. You’re perfect.” you hug his body closer to yours.

He lowers his head, connecting your lips with his in a passionate kiss. Your warm breath tickles his face causing him to smile through the kiss as he rests his forehead against yours, reaching a hand down to your clit, rubbing up and down, matching the perfect pace of his strokes.

“Mmm, heeseung,” you whine against his lips, clenching down on him tightly as your second orgasm of the night washes over you all at the hands of your childhood crush.

“Y/n, I love you s-so much,” he says in a hushed voice, not being able to hold back anymore, releasing his seed deep inside you as the pulsation of your walls coaxed out every last drop of his love for you.

“I love you too,” you tell him wholeheartedly, giving him one final peck on his quivering lips. You wipe away a few tears from his cheek as he lowers your legs, relishing in the feeling of your throbbing walls against his shaft that guided him through the blissful journey that was you.

He gently removes himself from you, grabbing a few tissues on his nightstand to clean you off a bit. He cuddles up next to you once he’s finished cleaning you up.

“I don’t want you to go,” he pouts, hugging you with his arms and legs.

“Me neither, but if my parents found out, it wouldn’t be good.” You play with his bangs.

“Okay,” he says disappointedly, “I’ll walk you back home.” Somehow, he manages to finally let you out of his hold.

“It’s okay, I’ll be fine-“ he places his index finger on your lips, cutting you off.

“I’m walking you home,” he says firmly.

Once you both finished getting dressed, you walked back to your home, which was many blocks away from his house.

Unfortunately, the walk felt so short, if you had it your way, you’d walk into forever with him.

“Well, I guess this is it, darlin.” he took your cold hands in his, swinging them back and forth, not wanting to let you go.

“Don’t be sad, hee I’ll wait for you tomorrow, same spot?” you kissed his cheek.

He smiled widely at the nickname you gave him all those years ago. His eyes crinkle into those cute little crescents you fell in love with all the way back in fifth grade. “Same spot.” he finally let you walk up to your door, waiting for you to get in safely.

He turns on his heels, walking alone in the dark. He takes heavy steps back home, and he can’t wait till tomorrow to see you again.

Out of habit, he reaches into his pocket, taking out a cigarette. Right before he strikes his lighter, he puts the cigarette back inside the box, choosing to count his footsteps instead of indulging in his unhealthy habit.

Same spot that’s where heeseung sat waiting for you, tapping his foot impatiently while he nervously puffs on his 7th cigarette while waiting nearly an hour for you.

You made your way to the same spot as every night, and heeseung was already waiting for you on the sidewalk.

He stood up to bring you in for a hug, but his hand landed right on a fresh bruise, causing you to wince in pain.

“What’s wrong? Did they?” He says softly, not wanting to upset you.

You nodded your head weakly.

He walked in the direction of your house, but you quickly held him back. “don’t.”

“They can’t just get away with that,” he says, trying his best to remain level-headed.

“Let’s not make this about them right now. I just want to be with you.” you cup his cheeks, placing a short kiss on his pouty lips.

“But-“ you cut him off with another kiss. He huffs in annoyance but still gives in to your wishes. “Fine, but you’re coming to my place. I’m not letting you stay with them.” he grabs your hand a bit harshly, but you know it wasn’t his intention and that he was just upset.

Finally, when you both reach his house, you enter his bedroom, and it instantly makes you feel safe.

You two lay together in his bed, comforting each other. “I still can’t believe it’s really you,” he says, breaking the silence.

“Me neither.” You lace your fingers with his, placing a kiss on the back of his hand. “you know I waited for you every day, but you never came back.”

He gives your hand a gentle squeeze and places a kiss on the top of your head. “I’m sorry for making you wait,” he says quietly.

“It’s okay, it wasn’t your fault,” you assure him.

“I’m still sorry.” That was Lee Heeseung, too good, too caring for this cruel world, that he’d apologize for someone else behavior.

“You’re too good for your own good.” he lets out an airy laugh. “That’s why I love you cause no matter what happened, you always stayed the same. You never stopped caring for others, and you never stopped caring for me.”

“Don’t give me too much credit. I’ve never cared for anyone else the way I care for you, not even myself,” he tells you truthfully.

“I wonder what it would have been like,” you ask, caressing his knuckles with your thumb, “if you never had to leave.”

“I would have asked you to be my girlfriend. I would’ve left home sooner. I’d take you far away from here and show you what real love feels like and give you the life that you deserve.”

“Is it too late?” You ask.

“Too late for what?”

“For us,” you say, looking up at him with nothing but hope in your eyes.

“Darlin, it’s never too late. Just tell me when and where, and we can go. We can leave all of this behind. have the future we deserve and a chance at life that we never had cause our parents hate us.”

“I can’t leave them behind.”

“I think you’re too good for your own good, Darlin. They don’t deserve your love. Think about what makes you happy. I can’t promise you a life full of happiness cause this world works in unexplainable ways, but if you choose me, I can give you the one thing they can’t…” he tilts your head up, making you look at him, his eyes full of hope as he places a meaningful kiss to your soft lips and leans back stroking your cheek with his thumb uttering one word and emotion that you’ve never felt until you met him. “love”

“Can I have some time to think about it?” the idea sounded amazing. He’s all you’ve ever wanted, all you ever needed and to live a life with him full of love would be a dream come true.

“Take all the time you need. I left you before, but I’ll never leave you again. I’ll be there whenever you need me,” he promised.

“I love you so much I don’t deserve you,” you admit to him.

“I love you too, and Darlin, trust me when I say that you deserve way more than me.”

“I don’t want anyone more than you. You’re enough for me.” you wrap your arms around his waist, resting your head on his chest and listening to his rhymatic heartbeat.

He stroked your back soothingly until you both drifted off to sleep a while later.

You woke up next to heeseung, who was now shirtless and pants less, then you remembered falling asleep before him, so he must have changed when you were sleeping.

Getting up, you make your way to the bathroom to freshen up. You close the door quietly so as not to wake him.

You open the cabinets, looking to see if maybe he has an extra toothbrush. To your luck, he did when you reached for it, a small packet of pills fell into the sink.

You grab the packet and examine the pills. There was no indication of what the pills were, but you could only assume the worst. Making your way out of the bathroom, you approach his peaceful figure, shaking him awake when he doesn’t move. You panicked, thinking he might have done something while you were asleep. You start to shake him more aggressively, hitting his chest for him to wake up.

“Ow ow ow, I’m awake. I’m awake. Just stop hitting me,” he laughs, rubbing the sleep from his eyes.

You hugged on to him for dear life, bawling your eyes out. “hey, what’s wrong? Did you miss me that much?” he chuckles, wrapping his arms around you tightly.

“I-I thought,” you stutter, unable to form any sentences cause what you thought he did while you were asleep.

“Thought what? Tell me, Darlin?” You show him the packet of pills, and his heart nearly drops at the sight he remembers the exact time and date he bought those. He had planned to overdose and kill himself he sat at a ledge as his legs dangle above the lake. He had the pills in his trembling hand, thinking back to all the times his father said he was useless and, his mother said she regretted giving birth to him, his teacher said he was waste of time, and his psychiatrist said maybe it was his fault for why his father beat him all of those thoughts were enough to make him want to end it all he held the pills to his mouth. But before he took them, he remembered you, the only person that ever needed him. He thinks back to the first time he gave you a red ring pop, the way your face lit up, and your smile gave him hope that even in sadness, you can still smile even if you don’t feel needed. Someone needs you, and that thought made him put the pills back in his pocket. He kept them in his cabinet as a daily reminder that he stayed on this earth for you.

“You don’t have to worry, Darlin. I told you I’ll never leave you again, and that’s a promise.”

You continued to sob uncontrollably into his chest. It took a good fifteen minutes for you to finally stop, and even then, your breaths were still labored and shaky.

“How did you find those anyways?” He asked, stroking your head.

“I just was l-looking for a spare toothbrush a-and I-I.” You broke down in tears again. He felt so bad for the chuckle he let out, but he found it too adorable how much you cared for him.

“Did you find one?” You nodded your head. “good, now go finish up. I’ll be waiting for you.” he pinched your cheek with a smile on his face. “I love you, and I swear I’d never ever think about doing that now that I’m with you, okay, Darlin?”

“Okay, I love you too.” You kiss him one last time before leaving.

You finished brushing your teeth and decided to take a shower as well. Once you were done, you entered the bedroom, seeing Heeseung leaning up against the headboard with a cigarette between his lips, legs slightly spread open, and he was still without any clothes.

“Hey, darlin', you took long enough,” he pouted.

“I decided to take a shower, too.”

“I can see that,” he bites his lower lip staring at your towel clad body. “Come here,” he says and pats his thigh.

You walk over to him, straddling his lap as your core comes in contact with his clothed cock. He sneaks his hands under your towel and grips your thighs, squeezing on the soft flesh as you rest your hands on his shoulders. He gently rocks you back and forth on his cock. “You smell really good.”

“Thank you.” You take your towel off, revealing your naked body. His tongue pokes the side of his cheek at the sight of your bare pussy, and you slowly grind on his lap, moaning from the feeling of his semi-hard cock.

You hum as he moves his hands to your chest, rubbing your breasts while his cigarette rests between his index and middle fingers.

He puts his hands on your lower back, making you grind on him harder.

“Fuck” he tilts his head back when he feels your wetness dampening his hard-on through his boxers.

You reach down between your bodies, grabbing his cock out through the small hole in his boxers as you guide his length, sliding him back and forth through your folds to get his cock wet.

He brought his cigarette to his mouth, taking a small puff, watching your each and every movement with hooded eyes.

You push the tip in, slowly sinking down on his cock inch by inch. “So fucking good” he rubs a hand over his face in disbelief at how tight and wet you were.

You start out slowly getting used to this feeling of him stretching you out. You lower yourself on his cock more, allowing his tip to brush against your sweet spot. “Heeseung,” you moan quietly.

The room is silent other than the wet sounds of your pussy when you bounce up and down on his dick.

You take the cigarette from between his lips, putting it to your own mouth before taking an inhale as you pick up the pace. “y/n,” he moans, holding your waist to help you ride him even faster, and he knows he's not going to last very long. You take a deep exhale, and the smoke clouds over your face before revealing the most beautiful sight he's ever seen, your lips slightly parted, chest covered in a thin layer of sweat, and your breasts bouncing up and down each time you take in his cock deeper. “Darlin, you’re perfect.”

You put the cigarette on the small ashtray on his nightstand to wrap your arms around his neck. You leaned down, placing a kiss on his lips as you moved your hands to the headboard to gain more leverage to fuck yourself on his cock at a much better angle. The slight position switch had him going feral. “Hee, oh god,” he grits his teeth at the sound of your desperate moans that make his cock twitch.

“I'm almost there,” he stutters out from the intense feeling of his cock getting harder as his high gets nearer.

He licks his thumb and reaches down to rub your clit in fast circles so you can both cum at the same time. You throw your head back, completely lost in the feeling of his big dick inside you.

“O-oh” The tight clenching of your walls made him lose it as his cum paints your sensitive throbbing walls.

“Heeseung,” you moaned loudly at the warmth from his release invading you, making you let go and tighten around his cock harshly as your pussy throbbed with each passing second you continued riding him till you both couldn’t take the overstimulation anymore.

He leans his head back, eyes tightly closed as he swallows thickly, feeling his throat parched from all the moaning and heavy breathing.

You place your hands on his chest, leaning down to give him a chaste kiss on the lips. When you pull away, his eyes slowly open as he takes a deep breath. He laughs breathily, wrapping his arms around your waist and burying his face into your chest.

You cradle his head in your hands, running your fingers through his dampened hair. “do you want to shower?” You say in a hushed whisper.

He hums into your chest, tickling you and making little goosebumps form all over your body. “Only if you come with me.”

“Of course,” you kiss his damp head before lifting yourself off him carefully. You didn’t make a big deal out of cleaning up afterward cause you were headed to the shower anyway.

You both make your way to his shower. He turns his back to you, turning on the water. A surprised gasp escapes you when you see every inch of his back covered in scars. Tears instantly began to form in your eyes.

He hears your gasp and turns around to hide his back from you. He didn’t want you to see them cause he thought they were a sign of weakness.

“Why are you hiding them?” You ask.

“Cause I don’t want you to think I’m weak,” he says shamefully, looking down at his feet.

You place your hands on his shoulders, carefully turning him around so you can see his back. “what are you doing?” He tries to turn around, but you hold his waist, keeping him still.

“You’re not weak,” you kiss one of the many resin scars on his back. “You’re strong.” you kiss another one between his shoulder blades. “this is proof.” you rest your head against his back, feeling his shoulders trembling and a few quiet sobs coming from him as you hold his waist tighter, a few tears make their way down your cheek. “you’re the strongest person I know,” you say with your voice cracking at the end. “And I’m so sorry this happened to you,”

That’s when he finally lets it all out. He holds your arms that are wrapped around his waist tightly as the sounds of his cries echo off the tiles in the shower. Tears continuously fall from his eyes, mixing together with the warm water from the shower that spirals down the drain.

You hold him in silence until his cries finally start to fade away. He sniffles one last teardrop falling off the tip of his nose as he turns to you, pressing a kiss to your lips, feeling like a weight had been lifted off him now that he had someone to share his pain with. He cups your cheeks in his palms, wiping your tears away. “let’s not cry anymore. We’ve done enough of that for the day,” he laughs, causing you to laugh along with him. Now that the atmosphere was lightened, you both took turns washing each other’s bodies, feeling peace from the sound of the water beads that hit the tile.

Eventually, you both step out of the shower, drying each other off and going back to bed to spend as much time together as possible. “I don’t have any clothes,” you pout.

“Here, take my shirt.” he hands you a plain white oversized shirt that goes down to your knees.

He puts on a pair of black boxer briefs and joins you on the bed. “when do you have to be back by?” He holds your hand, kissing the back of it, looking at you with his big, brown, beautiful eyes.

“Not for another hour.”

“Good.” he lays down on the bed, throwing away the dirty sheets and pulling the blankets over you both, he opens his arms wide for you to cuddle him.

You both lay in complete silence, holding one another. No words needed to be spoken at that moment. As your hand rested on his chest and he stroked your arm, you both felt content.

Just as heeseung’s eyes began to close, a loud bang startled him from his resting state.

“Y/n! Open this door right now. I know you’re in there!”

You could recognize that voice from anywhere it was your father. “How did he find me?” Your heart raced, and tears welled in your eyes as you held on to heeseung as tightly as possible.

“I don’t know.” heeseung couldn’t help but feel a bit scared himself, but he knew he had to be strong for you. He tried to get up from the bed, but your grip was strong on him. “Darlin, I got you. It’s gonna be alright, I promise.” he held your shoulders, looking at your eyes deeply.

You nodded your head, letting him go to answer the door.

He answers the door to be met with your father face to face. It was the first time he had been this close to him, and it took everything in him not to punch your dad till he was unconscious.

“Who are you, and where do you have my daughter?”

Heeseung couldn’t help but laugh. He had some nerve showing up and saying his daughter when he had never treated you like that since you were born, “I’m nobody to you, and y/n is safe with me, so you can leave.”

“You fucking bastard, who are you to tell me what to do?” Your father raised his fist, punching heeseung square in the jaw.

Heeseung stood still, not even flinching from the impact of the punch. If there was one thing he could take, it was getting hit. “You’re gonna have to do a lot better than that.”

Your father raised his fist yet again, but heeseung was quick enough to catch it. “I don’t think you understood, so I’ll tell you again.” heeseung squeezed your father's fist tightly. “leave.”

You held your head in your hands, tears streaming down your face uncontrollably. You couldn’t take it anymore. heeseung got hurt because of you, and your father was angry all because of you. You had to end this now. You made your way to the door quietly. “Father, leave him alone. He has nothing to do with this.”

Your mother made an appearance from the hallway outside the door. Looking you up and down in disgust, “So this is what you leave home for to whore around? I always knew you were nothing but a little slut” she says with venom in her tone, taking in your half-naked appearance.

Heeseung was trying to be calm for you, but his resentment for your parents quickly overpowered that. “Don’t you dare fucking say that about her again,” he towers over your mother's frail frame.

“Or what? are you gonna hit me too?” Your mother taunted heeseung.

“I’ll never stoop to your level.” he unclenches his fist.

“Enough!” Your father raised his voice. “Y/n, get dressed. We’re leaving.

“She’s staying with me whether you two like it or not.” heeseung hid you behind his back, protecting you.

“I’d never leave my daughter with someone like you,” your mother chimed in.

“What is she to you then? your daughter? or a slut?” Heeseung used her own words against her.

Your mom raised her hand to slap heeseung, but he caught both her wrists, squeezing them but not enough to inflict any pain. “She. Is. Staying. With. me. I can take care of her better than the both of you combined. Does she look like she’s scared of me? Does she have any new bruises besides the ones you left her with last? I don’t fucking think so” Heeseung let go of your mother's wrist.

“Y/n, I won’t tell you again. Get dressed. We’re leaving,” you cower down at the sound of your dad's voice.

You tug on heeseung’s shirt, indicating for him to let you go.

Heeseung glared at the both of them before closing the door and looking at you.

“Y/n, you can’t be serious about going back,” he says in disbelief.

“Heeseung, just let me go,” you reply, completely defeated.

“No, I told you I’m never leaving you again.” he holds your face, making you stare into his eyes.

“Are you okay?” You asked, heeseung with tears in your eyes, noticing the cut on his lip.

“Darlin, compared to what I’ve felt in the past that didn’t even tickle, your man can take a hit,” he chuckles.

You look at him, a smile forming on the corner of your lips. “I’m scared.”

“I know, and that’s okay.” he holds your hands, squeezing them gently. “Look at me.” he stares deeply into your eyes to show his sincerity. “I know I said I’d give you all the time you need, but right now, we don’t have time, and I need you to choose.”

“I can’t leave them behind.”

His heart shatters at the idea of you going back to them. “Darlin, I know it’s hard to leave. It was hard for me too, but if I had never left my parents, I don’t know where I’d be if I continued to let them abuse me, but I know one thing I would have never found you again. What I’m saying is maybe when you hurt for so long, you encounter something good. Maybe I’m that good. Maybe I’m that person to make you feel again, maybe I’m the one to give you the love you deserve cause hell, we both know you’re the most lovable person on earth.”

His words make you smile and realize that he’s right. You loved your parents to death, but it was hurting you. You couldn’t stay any longer. If they loved you, they would never treat you the way they have all these years, and heeseung made you realize that all these years of hurt were at the hands of your parents and he was the only one to ever make you happy even when he was hurting he still made sure to cheer you up everyday and go out of his way to make you smile there was no excuse for your parents even when times got hard they could still find a way to show you they cared and they never did, but heeseung showed up when you needed him the most, and the answer had never been more clear than it is now.

He cups your cheek in his palms. “Darlin, if I promised forever, would you run away with me?” He looks at you in hopes that you’ll give him the answer he so desperately needs.

“Yes,” you said with absolutely zero hesitation.

He presses his forehead against yours. “I promise”

Another loud bang was heard on the door. “Hurry up, or else the punishment will be doubled!”

The loud banging interrupted your moment together, but it was time to leave. heeseung put on his pants and quickly grabbed his keys, making his way towards the window. “come on,” he reached for your hand, helping you out the window and following you close behind.

You both ran to his car, and he started the engine, looking to his right side. “I love you.” he held your hand in his and sped off into the distance. He had no idea where he was headed, but anywhere was better than there.

“I love you too.”

Your father busts down the Door to see the sheer white curtain swaying back and forth and the window wide open “shit!” He yells, holding his head in his hands before he begins to destroy everything in the house, looking for any trace of something heeseung may have left behind, but he finds nothing.

Your mother sits down in the corner, crying her eyes out, rocking back and forth with her hands in her hair and deep, deep down inside, regretting everything that she had ever done to harm you. The only thing that brought her some type of comfort was the look of happiness in your eyes when that unknown boy protected you, and maybe he was right. Maybe he could take better care of you than both of them combined.

Heeseung drove for hours until he reached a hotel, parking in the empty lot. You both made your way to the desk, getting a single room. heeseung held your hand, walking you to room 205, unlocking the door with the key card. He let out a sound of relief once he got inside. He had been driving for 6 hours straight. You lay next to him on the bed, hugging his waist. “Are you okay, darlin?” He asks, holding you impossibly close.

“I think so.” you clutched onto his sweater, tears staining the fuzzy material.

“Do you think they’ll come looking for us?” heeseung says.

“Let’s hope they won’t.”

“Me too,” he sighs. “What do you want to do for the rest of the night?”

“Can we just sleep?” You look up at him through your wet eyelashes.

“Of course, Darlin, I love you.”

“I love you too, hee.”

The next morning, you wake up to the countless messages and voice recordings from your dad. Every last one of them contained hateful comments, and when you listened to the voicemail, you heard your father loud and clear telling you never to come back and that you weren’t his daughter anymore. You couldn’t help but tear up from the voicemail. Your own parents abandoned you without any remorse, and that broke your heart into pieces that could never be put back together.

Heeseung stirred in his sleep. The sound of your sorrowful cries woke him up. “Darlin, what’s wrong?” You handed him the phone, and he listened to the recording. He clenched his jaw, slamming the phone on the nightstand.

Even though he was absolutely furious, a part of him was still relieved that you wouldn’t be in their life anymore, but at the same time, it hurt him beyond words cause he knew just how much you were hurting.

“You’re better off without them.” he brings your trembling body into his arms.

“You think so?” You hug him back.

“Darlin, I know so.” he made a promise to himself then and there that he’d do anything it took to make you happy again.

“Heeseung, I don’t know what to do. I’ve never been alone before.” You pour out your worries to him.

“And you’re still not alone. You have me forever. I promise even if you didn’t have me, you’d still make it on your own cause you’re the strongest person I know.”

“Heeseung, thank you,” you tell him sincerely. He’s really been there for you through so much and words couldn’t describe how thankful you were for him.

“No, darlin', thank you for everything. I’d never be here today if it wasn’t for you.”

“What do you mean?” You ask softly.

“I wanted to die when I was without you, and when I made the decision to take my own life, I thought about every memory I had with you right before I swallowed those pills you found. I remembered your smile and knowing that you were still out there waiting for me on this horrible earth is what kept me going, and the crazy hopes I'd meet you again, now here we are in each other's arms getting ready to spend forever with each other.”

“Hee-“

“Shh, it’s okay. I’m okay, we’re okay.” he sends a tiny smile your way.

“We’re okay,” you repeated, assuring yourself.

“Darlin, I know it’s soon but let’s try to move on. Let’s do something to celebrate our first day together. Hmm?

“Like what?”

“Anything you want,” he says enthusiastically.

“Surprise me”

“A surprise you will get.” he kissed your forehead softly before getting ready.

After you both got ready, heeseung and you walked to a small lake, hand in hand, feet dangling over a wooden bridge as you watched the sunset.

“I know this is crazy, but after I met you after all these years, I feel like living again.” he rests his head on your shoulder. “And strangely enough, living on this earth doesn’t hurt me anymore,” he admits.

“What hurts you the most now?” Your question takes you back to the day he came into your life again.

“The thought of losing you,” he whispers.

“Well, you don’t have to hurt anymore cause you’re never going to lose me.” You promise him.

Silence ensues as you both throw tiny pebbles into the lake, watching the small ripples they create.

“Hee?”

“Yeah, Darlin?”

“Thank you for making me feel again. Thank you for showing me what love truly feels like.”

He tried his hardest to hold back his tears but failed miserably. “thank you for letting me be that person for you.”

“Do you think we have a chance for a better life?”

“I know it’s hard to tell right now, but we already have a better life, darlin',” he softly caressed your knee.

“We do, don’t we?”

“Yes,” he kissed you briefly, “wait here. I’ll be right back.”

He stands up, dusting off his pants. You wait for him, watching the sunset, thinking about the future with him, and you can’t wait to spend the rest of your life with him by your side now and forever.

He came back shortly, hiding something behind his back.

He sat down next to you, handing you a red ring pop. “you haven’t smiled since we left.”

He was right. Your mind was too focused on everything else that it was hard to think about how you’d actually be spending the rest of your life with your best friend, your lover, and your savior.

You took off the wrapper, bringing the ring pop to your lips, the sweet taste bringing back so many memories, causing a smile to creep up on your face instantly, and heeseung watched you in silence, a smile finding its way to his face as well.

“That’s what I like to see, darlin.” He wrapped his arm around your waist as the cool breeze gave you both a sense of peace.

Obviously, things weren’t going to be perfect within the blink of an eye, but with him, you felt like it wouldn’t take long to get past all the bad memories and replace them with new ones.

Good ones.

Things would be hard, but at least now you had someone to confide in and be there for you when you needed someone the most. You’d always cherish him forever. Not a day would go by when you didn’t shower him with endless love and care.

Heeseung knew it would take some time for you, just like it took for him, but he was willing to wait. He spent ten years without you, so he could wait a few months for you to get back on your feet without a problem.

One thing he was for sure about was no matter what happened or how long it took, he’d wait for you cause you were worth every second, you saved him from the world, his parents, and himself, and he owed you his life for it.

“Y/n, will you be mine?” He says out of the blue.

“I’m already yours, hee,” you say, gazing into his eyes softly.

“I know, but I want to hear you say so. Will you be my girlfriend?” He asks in all seriousness.

“Yes, heeseung, I’d love to be your girlfriend.” You smile for the second time that day, and you swear you could get used to this.

“I can’t wait to spend forever with you,” he says, reaching into his coat pocket and tossing his last pack of cigarettes into the lake throwing away the last bit of his old life.

“And I can’t wait to spend forever with you, too.” You kiss his cheek.

“Look, I know it’s far from the perfect love story, but I swear to you I’ll do everything to make it as perfect as I can.”

“It’s already perfect hee, just you being here next to me right now is perfect.”

He looks at you, pulling you closer by the neck to give you a deep, loved, filled kiss.

He pulls away, smiling so wide that it almost hurts.

“Darlin, we have this earth to ourselves now. We can do anything we want whenever we want, however we want.”

“So, what’s the first thing that you want to do?” You ask, smiling at him.

“Walk into forever with you.” he looks at your sparkling eyes, taking the ring pop from out of your hand and placing it on your ring finger.

You kiss his lips one last time, leaning back slowly and opening your eyes as he smiles at you with a fond, loving look.

He stands up, takes your hand in his, and walks you down the length of the bridge. Right as the sun sets behind you, you both share one final kiss, sealing this moment in your hearts now and forever.

In this life and in the next, you’d always be by his side and he’d always be by yours.

“Welcome to forever, Darlin.”

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Thanks for reading likes comments and reblogs are always appreciated sorry for any typos or errors I hope you all have a good day/night♥️

[volturiprincess]

Under the Moonlight

Felix Volturi x human mate reader Warnings: SMUT! Minors Skedaddle! A/N: This is my first smut one-shot, of course it had to be Felix like come on I adore this vampire. So enjoy :)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`

Felix. That's all that's been on your mind all day. Focusing  on other things seems useless because your mind would wander back to Felix. 3 nights ago you had a dream about you and him in the Volturi's rose garden doing well …..you know what. And since then it has not left your mind, the way the moonlight accentuated every muscle he has everytime he ruthlessly pounded into you was such a sight to remember. The way he had this wild look in his eyes when he gazed down on you sent shivers down your spine , he really is a beast of a man. The luck you carry in having him as a mate, he really is something. You tried to occupy your mind with books, walks or even trying to take naps thinking that maybe that you would have that dream again but nothing could distract your mind from him. What also has not been helping your case is Felix has been busy with either guard duties or training newborns. Even though he can't be physically tired you can tell he is mentally drained, so you decided not to approach him about this yet.

But it has been hard on you to avoid this talk with him, yes you and him are very sexually active (Demetri has unfortunately caught you guys many times) but this was something else. Usually when you have that desire, Felix picks it up right away and he takes care of your desires in a blink of an eye. But you had finally had enough of trying to ignore it, so you decided to take action.

You were in the Volturi's rose garden in your short red silk nightgown with its matching silk robe that reached the ground at night waiting for him. You left him a note on your guy’s bed saying to meet you here as soon as possible. You knew he would get the hint once he saw you in this attire, if he could he would devour you right then and there with that nightgown on, it is his favorite after all. You waited patiently for your hunk of a mate to arrive which didn't take long because he is now standing there with the moonlight hitting him perfectly with his famous shark-like grin you love so much

“Well what a surprise my little rose, what's got into you tonight?”

With doe eyes you approached him and ran a hand down his muscular arm while looking off in the distance to create that aura of mystery and seduction. 

“Oh nothing…you know the usual, just needing some fresh and….. needing you”

“Me?”

You looked up at him still with those doe eyes and the way his usually intense red eyes darken with lust, arised that arousal side of you instantly. Without a second thought you pulled him into a deep kiss that was soon fueled with hunger with his animalistic side coming through and your heavy desire for him. He soon had you on your back on the grass still locked in a heated kiss and was desperately removing his own clothes off while he was pulling your panties down. He pulled away for a minute to look at you with with a look of desire that was easily mirroring your gaze

“I want that pretty little nightgown of yours on while I fuck you, alright?”

You nodded with eagerness for him to continue and he took that at his sign. He positioned himself at your entrance with holding your waist for support and with a swift movement he pushed his throbbing cock into your tight folds without a second thought. The way he stretched you out was such an addicting feeling that has never gotten old for you out of all the times you have had sex. He kept pushing himself until he was bottled into you, he stayed like that for a moment to prepare you for the upcoming movements.

As he begins to move, driving his cock in and out of your sex at a steady pace, he leans forward slightly so that he can look down at your flushed face and watch your reactions closely. He can see the pleasure stretched onto your features, and it only serves to fuel his own lust even more.

“How does it feel having me buried deep inside of you like this?

Barely being able to spit out words you manage to respond with “So…good”

Felix continues to thrust his cock relentlessly into your sex, knowing for a fact that he's in complete control of the situation and determined to give you the most intense orgasm possible. The sound of skin slapping against skin fills the air as he pounds away at your glistening entrance, working your clit with his thumb causing you to be overcome with ecstasy. 

His voice is rough and demanding as he asks, 

"Does it feel good? Can you even handle my size little rose"

Still not being able to be vocal with him you simply nod mindlessly. He glances down at your flushed face again, noting how wet your lips have become and how your eyes are rolling back in ecstasy with each thrust.

"Tell me when you're ready to come for me, little lamb. I want to hear those words falling from your beautiful mouth."

Words at that moment could not be formed or said for you were in a cloud of pure bliss. The way he was pounding into you left you speechless and a moaning mess which he did not miss. Felix smirks at your moans of pleasure and the way your eyes roll back as he continues to pound into your wet sex, driving home the fact that he's giving you the best fuck of your life. He can tell by the way your body trembles and quivers that you're close to climaxing, and he feels a thrill of satisfaction running through him.

"That's it, darling," he growls, "I know you love my size. Feel how full I am inside of you? How much I'm stretching you out?"

He leans down even further, bringing his face closer to yours so that he can whisper in your ear while maintaining his rhythmical motion. "Whenever you're ready to cum for me, just let me know my good girl”

At the mention of praise from him, you started to form what you thought were words but it came out more like whimpers and unintelligible language. You felt his hand come up and wrapped around your neck and he added a bit of pressure while he continued his ruthless pace

“Words cara” “I-I need to”

He chuckled darkly at my lack of a complete sentence but he was taking note of every shiver and whimper that escapes your lips as he continues to drive his thick cock deep within your quivering sex. When you finally break and release a series of loud moans accompanied by involuntary twitches, he knows without a doubt that you're about to reach your climax.

"There she goes," he murmurs, "Feeling it yet? That's right... Let it consume you completely." He slows down his pace ever so slightly, allowing you to catch your breath before launching into another round of powerful strokes designed to push you over the edge into a state of pure bliss.

"Cum for me, princess. Give me everything you've got."

Just with that you release what was the biggest relief you had in days. Felix watches with delight as you cum all over his large manhood, feeling the warmth of your juices dripping down his length and pooling on the ground below. He can see the pleasure etched onto your face as you experience the most intense orgasm of your life, and he savors every moment of it.

"There you go," he says with a satisfied grunt, "That's it, darling. Let it flow unrestricted. I love watching you cum for me like that." He continues to pound into your slick sex, driving his cock deep inside of you until he reaches his own climax, releasing a torrent of cool semen into your waiting womb.

"Feel how I fill you up with my seed?" He asks

“Fuck…feels amazing fe”

He chuckles at your response while he pulls out of your wet entrance slowly, allowing some of his sticky semen to drip out before withdrawing completely. "Now remember this feeling – knowing that I know how to fuck you good”

You laid there with a dazed look already missing the way he kept you full with his cock alone, I felt his gaze on me but he remained quiet so that the both of you could compose yourself after that intense encounter. Finally being able to escape your daze you look up at him and gave him a lopsided smile that you knew he loves

“Well look at that smile cara, did I leave you full and satisfied”

That lopsided smile turned into a smirk instantly and he caught the hint right away and responded both with his devilish smirk and with a simple response

“Round 2 it is”

A/N: And with that its over, in my masterlist I mentioned when I write smut, those will take a bit longer to write for the reason I dont write them that often. But I will say this smut will come along in the future. The weird coincidence i faced when writing this is all of the right songs were playing as I was writing this and those songs became my inspirations at that moment.

[thefallennightmare]

One Night-Three[end]

*credit to me(thefallennightmare) for creating the gif. feel free to use it, simply give credit*

Pairings: Noah Sebastian x Reader

Warnings: lots of smut(mask play, spit play, bondage, anal, fingering, oral(m/f receiving), chocking, unprotected sex), swearing, angst, fluff.

Summary: One night. That's what Noah and Reader agreed to. No questions, no second thoughts, and no regrets. But will one night be enough to fill the hunger they both craved?

Authors Note: I wanted to write another part of this mini-series but only if others wanted it. It's a long one so buckle up! Once finished reading this part, please go read NOAH'S POV because it shows more into the story!

Tags: @pluviophillics @catj422 @iknownothingpeople @yumikitten @circle-with-me @dsireland86 @a1ex-ba1ex @blackveilomens @iamdesolate @shaydayhere @tearfallpixie @nerdraging4point0 @laris-angels

I stared at the confirmation in my hand, my heart pounding loud and hard in my chest. The paper weighed heavily in my hand as I bounced on the soles of my feet, wondering what would happen in the future because of my haste decision. I’ve had this confirmation burning a hole in my purse for a while now, waiting for this exact moment to use it. I rested my hand on my stomach; the nerves eating their way through me from the inside out.

The crowd of people around me was taking up whatever little space of air I had but I paid no mind to them, a wave of nausea crawling its way up my throat, leaving a sour taste in my mouth. It had been like this for a while now; I think about Noah and that night, wondering how everything went so wrong at the end. I made a huge mistake that night and now I was paying for it in more ways than one. I shouldn’t have kissed him, it was my rule, but seeing how ethereal he looked leaning over me, pupils blown wide with his lust my mind went blank. The only thing I wanted in that moment was to have my body ignite with fire and that’s exactly what happened.

The marks he left on my skin stayed for days after, a reminder how wrecked I was physically and mentally because of him.

It’s been almost eight months since that night and ever since then, my life hadn’t been the same. Noah’s scent, voice, and touch haunted my dreams when I was asleep and my thoughts when I was awake. I was the one that said in the beginning that I wanted nothing to come out of that night and here I was, standing in a crowd of people, wondering if he would be happy or upset that I was here. I would have seen him sooner but with him being in Europe and then only having a short time off after the tour, I wanted to make sure he had the time off he deserved. But now that their next tour started, I couldn’t stay away any longer, I needed to see him to know if Noah felt the same way.

Which is why I bought a ticket to a Bad Omens show a few hours away from where I lived and made the drive by myself.

The mistake I made that night?

Walking away from Noah Sebastian.

Tucking the paper ticket confirmation back into my pocket, I took a small sip of my beer as I waited for the show to begin. The second opening band just finished their set and Bad Omens were set to go on within the next half hour. I found a decent spot a few rows back from the main stage, off to the side, and I’d be lying if I told someone I wasn’t excited.

Ever since I saw them that night, I became addicted to their music and lyrics. Over the last eight months, I listened to all of their albums religiously and my situation with Noah aside, Bad Omens were one of my favorite bands now. Every time I listened to If I’m There, I couldn’t stop myself from thinking of Noah and I in the bath together, him humming that song to me.

There were plenty of times I wanted to ask Britt to ask either of the Nicks how Noah was doing but knew that it would appear creepy. Noah wasn’t mine to know what he was up to or if he was seeing anyone. It wasn’t any of my business.

I had no plans on telling Britt about the night in the hotel room with him but the next morning she came over and saw the marks littering my neck so there was no choice but to tell her. She, of course, was ecstatic for me I had found a good thing after my wreck of a previous relationship. That was when I had to tell her it was only a one-night thing. Britt said Noah, and I were idiots to stop something that was destined to happen.

“You’re insane,” I told her with a shake of my head. “We both agreed that a relationship isn’t what either of us need.”

“What’s insane is thinking you could have one night with him and be okay with that.”

In the eight months since, Jacob never contacted me. I think hearing Noah on the phone that night showed him I was moving on from him, which was the plan. So despite the pain my heart felt knowing Noah was all over the world the last few months, I was glad I never heard from Jacob again.

The lights dimmed while a deep voice echoed through the speakers of the venue, Bad Omens set beginning. My heart fluttered while my pulse quickened knowing that in a few seconds, I would see Noah again. My plan only consisted of seeing the show tonight. I didn’t think of what I would do after. There was a small hope he would notice me tonight in the crowd but now seeing how packed the venue was, that hope was dwindling away; even if I was close to the stage. I could hang out outside after the show to wait for him but was that too far? Would he think it was too much? Would he even come out to meet his fans?

Three bodies came out onto the stage and immediately recognized them as Jolly, Nick, and Folio. They took their spots on the stage, Jolly being on the side where I was standing, then a few seconds later Noah walked into his position, black jacket with the hood over his masked, covered face, their song Artificial Suicide opening up the show. As soon as I saw Noah, flashbacks to our night in his hotel room rushed in; him sitting naked on the edge of the bed, just adorning the ski mask. His tattoos were on full display as I kneeled before him, my hands tied behind my back, and his thick cock in my mouth.

Heat rushed between my legs, and I licked my lips with the want to taste him again.

For the next while, I let my mind forget about all of my problems and the memories of that night to let myself go. I sang and jumped along with the others in the crowd next to me, core tightening when Noah lost his mask and jacket.

During The Death of Peace of Mind, Noah came to the side of the stage where Jolly was to stand on the platform that was there. He sang the lyrics beautifully and as he move the microphone away from his face to take a deep breath, his eyes scanned the crowd until it fell onto me. My breath caught in my throat as sweat trickled down my spine, this time not from the warm bodies crowding around me. Noah’s eyes twinkled even under the dark lights, and jaw dropped. Before he could get a better look at me, the breakdown for the song hit and the crowd shifted, blocking my view from Noah as he nearly missed his mark.

I blinked a few times, not expecting him to catch me with how packed I was between the surrounding bodies. It was only a two seconds, and it was dark in here, there was no way he got a good look at me. Right?

I watched the rest of the show with excitement not only for the atmosphere but how the guys radiated their own energy onto the crowd. As they all stood in a row to thank everyone of us, something seemed off with Noah. His eyes scanned throughout the crowd, head shifting back and forth, almost as if he was looking for something. There was a hard frown pulling on his lips, almost a scowl, which unnerved me.

Fuck, maybe this was a bad idea.

With that thought weighing heavy on my mind, I slipped through the crowd and out of the building.

I should have left, should have started the long drive home, but no; I was waiting around with the dwindling crowd of fans who were hoping to glimpse the guys. It was me and three other people. Only my reason differed from theirs for staying. It’s been at least an hour of waiting and knowing I had a five-hour drive back home in the dark was the reason that I strapped my bag higher on my shoulder and turned on my heels to leave. I was halfway through the parking lot, turning the corner to leave when my name echoed in the quiet night.

“Y/N?”

Stopping suddenly, I peered over my shoulder and saw Folio leaning against the tour bus.

“Hey,” I smiled a little.

“What are you doing here?” He asked, walking up to the metal barricade that was being used to keep people away from the busses and trailers.

I was standing on the other side of it as I shrugged, words stuttering from my lips. “Uh, I-um.”

The thought of telling Folio why I was here, made my stomach churn and my tongue felt like it weighed five pounds. I didn’t know if Noah told him or any of the guys about our night together so I wasn’t sure what he knew.

Folio chuckled while stuffing his hands into his pockets. “Noah should be out in a minute. Some old friends from Virgina came to the show tonight, so he’s catching up with them.”

My stomach dropped. Was it that obvious?

“I’m not here for Noah,” I lied, eyes shifting away from his face down to my feet.

“Right,” Folio nodded. “Britt mentioned you were a terrible liar.”

Internally I scowled at my best friend. Of course he knew some things about me, since he was practically dating Britt.

“What else did Britt tell you?” I asked with a sigh.

We were standing in front of each other, the metal fence between us, and when Folio sighed, I could feel it deep in my heart. Whatever he was about to say either would break me or give me false hope.

“She may have mentioned that you and Noah spent a night together,” he trailed off.

I groaned. “This is so embarrassing. Why did I think this was a good idea? He’s probably going to think I’m a stalker. I should have left that night behind like he did.”

I muttered the last part under my breath but knew Folio heard because he grasped both of my shoulders, forcing me to look at him.

“Noah doesn’t think that, alright?” He said then dropped his hands back to his side.

I shook my head, regret for this entire night eating away at my insides, like the vulture that pecked away at Prometheus every day.

“You know what, this was stupid. Do me a favor and don’t tell him I was here?”

Before I could turn on my heels and retreat, the door to the venue opened and loud voices echoed in the air as a group of people dispersed into the parking lot.

His laugh burned deep into my heart, the familiarity of it causing my stomach to flutter, and for a second, time stood still as Noah, who was talking with someone, a small smile pulling at his lips. That was until his gaze turned slightly to the left, his eyes scanning the parking lot when it landed on me; a look of shock crossing over his soft features until the corners of his lips pulled up into a large smile.

Noah stood in place as we stared at each other, me marveling at how he looked with his white hat and white sweater that hung over his shoulders. His eyes, usually bright, now dulled with exhaustion from tonight's show and I would have worried that he was upset with seeing me if it wasn’t for the smile that was still plastered to his face.

“Hi”, I whispered, hands shaking with nerves.

"Hi,” Noah repeated, only his voice was louder, stronger. “What are you doing here?”

Neither of us made a move towards each other.

Folio, who was still on the other side of the gate along with Noah, watched our silent interaction with a lazy smile.

“She’s been waiting for you. You took so long she almost bailed and wanted me to keep it a secret,” he muttered to Noah while smacking his shoulder as he walked past him.

I narrowed my eyes at his back before calling after him. “Not cool!”

Folio responded with a wave of his hand before he disappeared back behind the building.

Noah still stared at me with a burning gaze and my skin felt like an inferno all over so I shifted on my feet.

“What?” I asked, feeling scrutinized under his eyes.

“I saw you tonight. In the crowd.”

I nodded with a sigh, no point in denying it. “Yeah.”

His voice was even and steady, not a hint of any emotion, and I hated not knowing how he felt about me being here tonight. The tension between us was worse, heavy and thick, and it was as if something was holding him back. Keeping him from doing or saying what he wanted. I couldn’t take it anymore. I needed to know the answer to the question that I’d been dying to ask.

“Why didn’t you reach out?” I wondered with a shaky breath.

Noah shrugged. “Why didn’t you?”

I pursed my lips, knowing I had no right to be upset about him not reaching out when I didn’t either; as much as I wanted too.

“Noah, I-.”

Someone from the group yelling Noah’s name cut my words off, and he turned slightly, giving whoever it was a quick nod of his head. Clearly they all had plans, and I was keeping Noah from them.

“You know what, I should go. The show was amazing but I’ve got a long drive back home.”

“Y/N.” Noah breathed.

I ignored the way my heart lurched at the way he said my name and turned to leave but felt soft fingers gently grasp my wrist. My eyes bounced from his hand up to his eyes, brows furrowed with slight confusion. Even this simple touch brought back the memories of our night together, of how his touch over my entire body brought every cell alive within me.

“Why are you here?” He asked.

I swallowed the lump in my throat. “I wanted to see the show.”

“Bullshit,” Noah scoffed. “You drove three hours to see us when next week we have a show that’s minutes from where you live?”

My teeth dug deep into my bottom lip when he saw right through my lie. Yes, I could have seen him when they came to my hometown next week but the thought of making the long drive out of my way called to the romantic part of me.

“Why are you here?” he asked again, this time with a slight squeeze to my wrist.

“I wanted to see you,” I admitted with a long breath.

There was no point in denying it anymore.

Noah’s face twitched as if he was trying to hide back the smile. “Why?”

Why? Why the fuck do you think?

I couldn’t speak, not wanting to say it out loud. I knew why I wanted to see him but suddenly in front of a group of his friends who were still within listening distance; I didn’t want Noah or them to know.

“Noah! Are you coming or what?”

I looked past him and saw someone waving Noah over.

“I won’t keep you, Noah. It was good seeing you but I’m going to go.”

This whole interaction with him and Folio was embarrassing, the last thing I needed was his other friends see how bad I fumbled in trying to get him back; although he was never mine to lose in the first place.

Noah shot me a look, one that rooted me right in place. “I swear if you keep threatening to leave, angel I’m going to bend you over and smack that ass in front of everyone.”

My lips parted, heat shooting directly to my core at his words. Every nerve in my body sparked with electricity as his hand left my wrist only for both of his hands to reach other the guard rail, gripping my hips.

“What are you doing?” I questioned.

Noah said nothing, simply lifting me up and over the metal gate, causing me to squeal in slight shock and slight delight. Now standing directly in front of him with no barrier between us, he wrapped his arm around my shoulder and began leading me towards the group of people that were waiting for him.

“Noah,” I murmured trying to stop him.

He ignored me as we came to a stop, Folio giving me an amused smirk. I didn’t doubt he would tell Britt all about this later.

Hell, who am I kidding. He probably already told her.

“Hey guys, this is Y/N.” Noah introduced me.

I gave the strangers a small nod but when I saw Jolly and Nick; I gave them a large smile.

“We knew we saw you tonight,” Jolly laughed.

“Yeah, I wanted to see the show,” I did my best to shrug in Noah’s embrace.

Having his body heat wrap around me like a cocoon did nothing to stop my erratic heart rate.

“Right, that’s why you drove three hours when we’re in your hometown next week?” Nick chuckled.

My eyes darted to my feet where I shifted uncomfortable. Noah noticed because he pulled me closer into him.

“You guys go ahead. I’m going to hang back with Y/N.”

This caused me to look up at him through my lashes. “You should go out with them.”

He ignored me, only talking with his friends for a few more seconds before he turned us around to led us towards his tour bus. Noah went in first, his hand extended towards me, and I took it with a small amount of hesitation. As soon as we stepped into the main area of the bus, his scent stood out among all the different ones and the familiarity eased my nerves only a little.

“You won’t get in trouble for having me in here?” I asked.

Noah snorted his laugh. “Come on, there’s an area in the back that’s private and we can talk.”

Talk.

I don’t know why that word made my heart fall into my stomach. That’s why I was here tonight, hoping to catch his attention. So why did the realization that’s what we were going to do fill me with so much disappointment?

What, did you think he was going to fuck you?

I pushed the thought away as we stepped into a small room at the back of the bus. It was a lounge area with a long couch that ran along one side while on the other there was a television with an array of gaming systems. Noah sat on the couch with a huff of breath while I stood in front of him running my hands up and down my thighs.

“Nervous?” Noah raised a brow.

I growled quietly, almost forgetting how perceptive he was with me, and stuffed my hands in the back of my jean pockets instead.

Noah motioned to the spot next to him. “You can sit. I’m not going to bite, well unless you want me too.”

Now the heat crept over other parts of my body remembering everywhere he bit me that night and eventually, I sat next to him leaving some space between us.

“Why didn’t you go out with your friends? Folio mentioned they were old friends from Virgina?”

“The thought of spending time with you sounded better,” Noah said without missing a beat.

I bit my tongue, not sure how to respond to that, so silence fell between us once again. My eyes were staring down at my intertwined fingers while his were glued on the side of my face, assessing my every movement like he was studying me.

"You're staring," I said.

“You look good, angel,” he mused.

Heat crept over my face in a blush and I tucked a piece of hair away from my face. “Thank you.”

His nickname for me woke the butterflies that lay dormant in my stomach the last few months. It still made my heart flutter into my throat and head spin with warmth.

"Has he called you at all?" Noah asked.

Even though he didn't say his name, I knew who he was talking about.

I shook my head. "Jacob hasn't bothered me since that night. I think he realized I wasn't going to take him back after he heard us together."

He gave a curt nod. "Have you called him?"

My eyes snapped over to him, anger slicing through him. "No, I haven't. In fact, I haven't been with anyone since that night. You kind of ruined the idea of being with anyone else."

This caused Noah to break out in a grin. "Good."

I scoffed, mouth falling agape. The fucking audacity of this man, saying that it was good he messed up my future dating life because I was too held up on him?

"You're unbelievable," I said with a slight edge to my voice.

He leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees. "I haven't been with anyone else, either."

"Congratulations, I bet that must have been so hard for you. Do you want a medal?"

I laid the sarcasm on thick in hopes he couldn't hear the excitement in my voice hearing his revelation. I was ecstatic Noah hadn't been with anyone else. Which meant he had to have some feelings for me, right?

Noah hummed. "Such sass coming from that mouth. Do I need to stuff it with something else?"

That shut me up as I sat back against the cushions of the couch with my arms over my chest. My knee bounced in anger, not at Noah but because he said things that not only shut me up but set my entire being up in flames. It seemed like no matter what I said to him, he would barley react. How do I know how he's feeling about me while he's basically reading my mind?

"I didn't hear a no," he said.

I cocked my head to the side. "Is that why you invited me on your bus so you can tease me?"

Noah raised a finger to brush a strand of hair away, tucking it behind my ear. "Believe me, Y/N. I want to tease you in so many ways."

I audibly gulped, something I knew he heard, because now his fingers were trailing down the side of my neck before resting his hand over my collarbone.

"You can say no but with how hard your heart is beating, I know the truth," he whispered.

This wasn't where I wanted our conversation to go. Even if my body was coming alive with his touch, I needed Noah to know how I felt about him. We had sexual chemistry, that was pretty clear, but was there a chance there could be more between us?

"Noah," I licked my lips. "I need to tell you something."

"You're not pregnant, are you?" He joked.

I stared at him dumbfounded. "If I was pregnant, don't you think I'd be showing by now?"

Noah shrugged with a chuckle while leaning away from me, back in his previous spot. "I know you're not. I'm just trying to lighten the mood."

When I didn't laugh, he sighed while running a hand over his face. It was late and after the long day he had, I suddenly felt guilty for keeping him awake.

"You're tired," I noted.

"Yeah, it's been a long day. We're only four shows in this tour but I'm already exhausted."

Noah's eyes locked with mine as he pointed to me. "If I didn't want you here, angel, I wouldn't have invited you. I want to spend time with you, no matter how exhausted I am."

The corner of my mouth turned up in a smile.

"When do you guys have to leave for the next city?" I asked.

"Tomorrow morning. Everyone wants to get on the road by 9 but depends on how hungover they are," Noah laughed a little.

"Oh," I nodded dissapointed.

I didn't expect him to stay back because of me, forget about his job for me. But knowing that yet again we only have less than twelve hours together made my stomach fall. I dared a quick peak at the time on my phone and groaned when I realized it was nearing midnight. The drive back home was daunting, especially in the dark, and I was regretting not booking a hotel room.

"Are you driving back tonight?" Noah asked.

I nodded. "Yeah so I should probably get on the road soon."

When he said nothing, I peered up at him to see his jaw was clenched.

"Why did you come here tonight, Y/N?"

I sighed, not wanting to explain myself yet again but before I could, Noah's started up again.

"We both agreed to have one night together, one of the best nights I had in a long time. It killed me to have you walk away. Ask any of the guys, you leaving wrecked me."

I blinked, taken aback by his confession, but my mouth had ran dry like the desert. Words felt foreign on my lips as I tried to say something.

"Then eight months later you show up, out of the blue, expecting what?" Noah questioned.

"No-nothing. I wanted to see you," I stumbled over my words, not expecting him to get this upset about me showing up tonight.

The more I thought about how angry he was suddenly made my anger burn low in my stomach and I raised to my feet, hand clenched into fists at my side.

"If it wrecked you so bad, why didn't you stop me or called me?" I accused.

Noah stood to his feet, closing the distance between us and due to how tall he was, I had to raise my chin up at him.

"You walked away, Y/N!"

"It's what we agreed on!" I yelled while raising my hands.

Noah tossed off his hat, throwing it to the couch behind him then ran a hand through his hair.

"We also agreed on never seeing each other again but here you are," he motioned towards me.

I bit down on the inside of my cheek, almost hard enough to taste blood, and took a deep breath. I never expected us to get into a fight about this but knew that if one of us didn't calm down, it would get even uglier. Plus, I wasn't sure if anyone had come back from the bar and was sitting on the bus listening to our conversation.

"Fuck, you don't make any sense, Noah! You tell me you're happy to spend time with me but then in the same breath complain that I'm standing in front of you," I shot back.

Noah took a small step towards me. "Why did you come tonight?"

"Oh, here we go again," I pinched my eyes shut. "I already told you, I wanted to see you."

Another step towards me and I felt the heat radiate off of Noah. We were so close now, if I tilted my head up half an inch, our lips would touch. I didn't, though, no matter how bad I wanted too.

"Why?" He pressed again.

All the anger was gone from his voice. The only thing I could hear was slight desperation.

I slowly licked my lips, something Noah watched with intense eyes, and as much as I wanted to tell him the truth, the fear of what would happen if I did made me falter.

"It doesn't matter," I shook my head. "You're leaving in the morning and we'll go back to where we were before I came here tonight."

"Come with me."

I blinked a few times at Noah, wondering if I heard him right.

"What?" I asked.

He stepped closer to me invading my personal space and I could feel his warm breath fan across my lips. Noah's fingers brushed up against the exposed skin of my thigh at the edge of my shorts and I shivered, goosebumps covering my skin.

"Come with me," he repeated.

"I can't," I shook my head. "I have work and-."

"I thought you were an author and worked from home," Noah said with a furrowed brow.

He remebered that?

I told him what I did for work when we were taking a bath together that night

"We barley know each other, Noah. We might get annoyed with each other after the first night," I said.

Noah's hand moved from my thigh to my hip, giving it a squeeze.

"It's a big bus, plenty of space to have some time apart. We could use the time to get to know each other. Nobody know's their partner when they first start dating," he shrugged as if it wasn't a huge deal.

My heart skipped as all the breath caught in my throat but I held my face stern, not letting him know how excited I was at his words.

"We're not dating, though," I pointed out.

The corner of his lip turned up in a sly smirk, hands now sprawled over my lower back.

"Not yet."

"You seem pretty confident that I'll say yes," I somewhat joked with a laugh.

Noah leaned closer to my lips but didn't press his against them. "You came to see me tonight, angel. It's safe to say that I already have you."

I whimpered as one of his hands wrapped around my throat, thumb tilting my chin away to expose my neck. Noah's lips left soft kisses along my jawline before trailing down to that one spot on my neck that made my knees weak. They would have buckled under his kisses but Noah's free hand wrapped around my back keeping me upright.

"Come with me," he breathed into my neck in between leaving marks.

I did my best to shake my head in his grasp, a small moan falling from my lips betraying my denying him.

"What would the guys say?" I asked.

"They won't care."

The invitation sounded amazing; on the road with him and getting to watch a Bad Omens show almost every night. The thought of getting to know Noah made my stomach do that weird butterfly flutter. To be honest, I had no reason to deny his invitation, but I didn't want to accept without knowing how he felt about me.

Even if his actions right now were pretty clear.

I swallowed thickly, trying to gain the courage to ask my next question, knowing this could make or break the rest of the night.

"What if we realize that all this relationship is just sex?"

Noah briefly pulled away from the mark on my neck to look into my eyes. His grip was still on my chin so he held it tighter.

"I can promise you, it's not just that. I want to get to know you, angel. I could wait until tour's over to spend time with you but I don't think I can let you leave again. Not when I have you this close to me," Noah said.

His name came out in a hushed whisper as I leaned into him. The desperation and hurt in his voice told me that when I walked away from him eight months ago, it really wrecked him.

"I can't," I tried again to make him realize that this was a bad idea. "Being with each other every day could push us apart rather than bring us together."

It was true.

There wasn't denying that I had strong feelings for Noah and I feared that if I were on the road with him, we would slowly get sick of each other. And when he would drop me off at some random city, it would fucking break me.

How do you know he would? He treated you like a queen that night. Noah wouldn't throw you away like that.

My mind was reeling with the constant back and forth of my thoughts that it surprised me I didn't have whiplash.

"Why are you so against coming with me?" Noah asked while pulling away.

I scoffed. "Can you blame me? I barley know you and you're asking me to spend weeks with you."

"You barley know who I was when you let me fuck you that night," his eyes narrowed.

A heat flushed over my cheeks as I tore my gaze away from him and let out a deep breath.

"This is different," I murmured.

"Is there someone else?"

My eyes immediately snapped back over to him as I sternly shook my head. "No, I've already told you; I haven't been with anyone else since you. You're all I can think about, Noah."

His hand reached for me but I took a step away from him, knowing that if I felt his large hands engulf around me again, it would shatter whatever resolve I built within me. And the longer I stood this close to him, the worse my walls would disintegrate.

"I should go," I sighed. "It's late and I hate driving in the dark."

It looked like Noah wanted to say something but his lips pulled in a tight line while his hands were stuffed deep into his pockets. With one final longing glace, I stiffened my shoulders as I walked past him, the pain of leaving yet again muted by the burning sensation I felt in my throat; tears gathered in the corners of my eyes but I refused to cry. I barley made it to the door of the room when Noah muttered something under his breath before I felt my body being pushed up against that door.

Noah's gaze bounced between my eyes then down to my lips. My own drifted up to him, and it was over. Sparks shot through my entire existence when I felt his lips press hard against mine in a soul shattering, earth ending kiss. His tongue pushed past my lips almost instantly, finding mine in a fight for dominance. I didn't fight it because despite me declining staying with him; I wanted this so fucking bad. I missed the way he tasted, the way his lips molded perfectly against mine, and the way heat shot to my core, clit throbbing with the need for more.

He broke away to take a large breath before his lips found mine again in a hard kiss, driving them apart with the force of it. There wasn't anything gentle about it. I felt the door behind me rattle as Noah shifted his body, thigh pressing between my legs and against my pussy. I moaned into the kiss which made his grip on my hips tighten. Every thought in my head exploded to a pure, pounding, white light, and I felt the tight curl of desire burn low in my belly while I rubbed my swollen clit against Noah's thick thigh. The sensation made my toes curl in my shoes. It twisted inside of me, bending all of my rules, and snapping that last little of restraint. I tried one last time to stop this, stop Noah from consuming every single cell of my body.

"No," he said, bringing my lips back to his.

It was just like how it was before and I slid my hands under his shirt, skin ablaze with his own desire, to pull him closer to me. The low groan at the back of his throat, a small pleading noise that set every inch of my body on fire.

"Come with me." Noah almost begged this time against my lips after he pulled away.

My orgasm was on the verge of tilting over the edge, cresting to a high crescendo, as he pressed his thigh harder into me. My hips were moving in an ugly rhythm at this point but I didn't care, I needed this orgasm like I needed oxygen.

"Noah," I choked out as my orgasm plowed through me with an earth shattering scream.

"Fuck, angel," Noah cursed while covering my mouth with his large hand. "You need to be quiet, okay?"

Suddenly, the noises on the other side of the door filled my ears, and I realized some of the guys had returned from the bar. I breathed through the last bit of my orgasm against Noah's hand as he swiftly picked me up and laid me down onto the couch. Our eyes locked as his hands when to the waistband of his shorts, pausing for my answer. It wasn't to his earlier question. I should say no because this could further confuse things for us but I didn't care; I wanted Noah.

I nodded feverishly. "Please fuck me, Noah."

He made a low noise in the back of his throat before quickly stepping out of his shorts and briefs and made fast work of tossing his shirt away from him. I couldn't stop the way I hungrily stared at him, his tattoos shadowed by the moonlight from outside. That was the only light on now because Noah shut off the one in this room, afraid that if someone was lurking outside the bus, they could see us inside.

"Safe word?" He asked.

My heart did that stupid fluttering it always did when I was around him. With those two simple words, it was as if we piked up right where we left off.

I nodded. "I remember."

"Take your clothes off then get on your knees."

I did exactly what he demanded, and soon I was kneeling, naked, in front of him. Noah's fingers pulled at my hair, forcing me to look up at him. His dark eyes were blown wide with his desire and I felt my arousal pool between my legs.

"I told you I would stuff this pretty mouth with something," his thumb brushed over my bottom lip. "Now, choke on my cock."

Yes, sir.

I moaned at how delicious he tasted as I took his entire length between my lips, the pre-cum staining them. His head hit the back of my throat and I choked out a gag, Noah groaning at the tension it caused on his cock.

"Good girl, take all of it," he praised, hand brushing the soft strands of my hairs away from my face.

I preened at his praise while my fingers dug into the skin of his thighs, needing to hold something to keep my steady. Noah's pace as he fucked my face was relentless and drool fell from the corners of my mouth onto the floor beneath us.

"Oh, fuck," he groaned when my tongue massaged the large vein underneath his shaft. "Just like that, angel. Yes."

I looked up at him just in time to see his head fall back, lips parted in pure bliss. The muscles in his stomach were tense and taut, his orgasm rising with each suck and pull of my mouth. My jaw was sore and my lips numb but I didn't stop. I wanted him to fill my mouth with his cum. Pulling almost all the way off of him, I wrapped my lips around the head of his cock, tongue lapping up the pre-cum that spilled onto my tongue.

"I'm going to cum, angel. Take it all again, please."

Oh fuck. Hearing him beg for it almost made my orgasm plow through me.

With his whole length in my mouth again, I kept my head still as Noah's grasped on the side of my head tightened, his hips slamming into my mouth. He came with a silent cry, warm cum spilling into the back of my mouth and down my throat; I swallowed every drop.

"Kneel on the couch with your back to me," Noah helped me to my feet before positioning me like he said. "Hands on the window."

Once positioned how he wanted, Noah stalked behind me and brushed the head of his still-hard cock against my wet folds and I moaned while letting my head fall back into his chest. I felt his warm breath against the shell of my ear before he left a kiss there.

"You need to be quiet. I don't want anyone to hear how pretty you sound when you fall apart on my cock."

My eyes rolled to the darkness of my head, our shared desire making my stomach coil with so much fire it was almost unbearable waiting for him to sink into me. The faint voices on the other side of the bus had grown in volume, laughter breaking its way past the door.

Noah's fingers grazed over the lips of my pussy and I groaned, bucking my hips against his touch.

"So needy. How bad do you want my cock?"

"So bad," I breathed.

"Then beg for it, angel," Noah bit down on the skin between my neck and shoulder.

I nearly hissed in pleasure and pain.

"Please, Noah. I want your cock," I begged with a whine.

Both of us moaned when he pressed deep inside of me, his cock stretching my walls around him.

"Keep your hands on the window," he ordered.

I was too far gone in how his cock felt inside of me I barley nodded as his one arm wrapped around my stomach while the other tighten around my throat. Noah squeezed until I felt the air being ripped away from me, his cock slamming into me with no reserve. He didn't hold back, and I didn't want him too. I wanted it to hurt, wanted it to burn, that I wouldn't be able to walk tomorrow. And this position he had me in made him hit the exact spot that made my vision blur.

When I felt the darkness cascading over me due to how tight he was gripping my throat, Noah eased his grip and I swallowed a large gulp of air. My orgasm was so close, I just needed a little something to have it wash over me. As my hand moved to my clit, Noah smacked my ass, the sound echoing throughout the small room.

"Noah," I groaned, wanting to feel the sting again.

So he smacked my ass again, then a third time, and a fourth then after the fifth strike, he palmed the heated skin. I was writing in his embrace which made him grunt in frustration.

"I need to go deeper," he said while lifting me off of the couch, cock still buried deep inside of me.

He set me down in front of the wall next to the door of the room and kicked my legs apart while pulling my hips away from the wall. I had to brace my hands against it so I could keep myself balanced. He had us perfectly hidden behind the door that if someone walked in, they would only see Noah's bare chest.

"Why won't you come with me?" He questioned again, hips now moving in slow languid strokes.

"Noah," I whined while pushing my hips against him. I needed the fire that he brought on by his erratic thrusts.

"Answer. Me." He enunciated each word with a stroke of his cock.

I shook my head. "I can't."

"Yes."

Thrust.

"You."

Thrust.

"Can."

Thrust.

These thrusts were hard, and I cried out in pain, biting my lip when I realized how loud I was. Almost instantly, there was a knock on the door and Noah's hips stilled for a moment then leaned his body over mine to whisper in my ear.

"Not a sound, angel."

With a quick run of his hand through his messy hair, Noah opened the door just far enough that whoever was on the other side couldn't see past him.

"Everything alright?"

Jolly's accent flowed through the room and I froze in Noah's bruising embrace, his hands digging into the skin of my hips.

"Yeah, I'm fine," Noah answered.

I couldn't see Jolly but I'm sure his brow was raised. "We thought we heard someone scream."

A small whimper crawled its way through my throat when Noah began moving his hips again and I bit down on my lip tasting blood so I could keep quiet.

"It was Y/N. She was watching something on her phone and it scared her."

The way this man easily lied was almost shocking.

"She still here?" Jolly asked.

As I peered over my shoulder, I saw Noah nod. "Yeah."

Jolly hummed before rapping his knuckle against the door. "Use protection."

The door had shut so fast I nearly jumped in Noah's hands with how loud it slammed. I saw a tattooed hand wrap around my throat to haul me up against his warm chest.

"I told you to be quiet," he hissed low in my ear.

"I'm sorry," I said and tried to make him move his hips again, missing the friction.

"Did you want him to know I was fucking this pretty pussy, hm? Does the idea of being caught make you wet?"

Oh, lord. This man knew exactly what to say to make my pussy gush with my arousal.

"Yes it doesn, I can feel the way your pussy grips my cock," Noah groaned in the crook of my neck.

"Noah, please. I'm so close," I said breathlessly.

His finger pressed on my swollen clit and rubbed in fast, short circles, while he thrusted into me over and over, the pace bone shattering.

"Cum for me, angel. I'm right behind you."

We both groaned out our release as Noah fucked me through the aftershocks, my knees buckling from the intensity of it all. Noah fell to the ground with me right after him, his arms wrapping around me as I leaned into his chest. I wasn't sure how long we lay there tangled in each other, but the solace of it all made my eyes heavy with exhaustion.

"Y/N?"

I hummed in response to Noah, unable to speak.

"I won't ask you again to come on the road with me. I told you in the beginning I won't force you to do anything you don't want too but can you promise me that when the tour is over, we can give this a shot?"

Looking up at him, I left a soft kiss to the array of tattoo's on his chest. "I don't know, Noah. My last relationship fucked with my head so much I don't know how to be in something so normal."

"You don't even want to try?"

I sat up with a sigh and ran a hand through my messy hair, trying to tame it. "Like you said, maybe once the tour is over we can talk about things."

Noah sat up after me and gave me a curt nod. "Sure."

Now after the sex haze had faded, the tension returned, and I hated how fast a good thing between us was ruined all because I couldn't commit to something so perfect; someone so perfect because of my own fucked up brain. Why did I even come here tonight? All I ended up doing was messing with Noah's heart even more.

I hastily gathered my clothes and got dressed, not once meeting Noah's gaze.

"I should really leave. It's late and I have to drive home. I'll see you later?," I said once dressed, eyes still glued to my feet.

Noah nodded while resting his elbows on his knees. "Bye, angel."

I was going to be late; so fucking late.

With the coffee clutched tightly in one hand, I dragged my suitcase behind me after I waved off my Uber driver and looked around the almost empty parking lot of the hotel. An ungodly loud yawn crawled its way out of my throat as I checked the time on my watch. It was almost ten in the morning and I was running on no sleep, well besides the half hour I got on the long car ride here. But the nerves of what I was doing woke me up. All night and early this morning, my brain had fought tooth and nail with my heart about my decision.

He's going to hurt you. You can't trust him, you barley know him-brain.

I don't care. No one has ever made my body come alive the way he has. The way I flutter every time he talks or laughs. The way his eyes light up whenever he looks at me tells me everything I need to know-heart.

In the end, my heart won and here I was standing in the parking lot of the hotel Folio sent me looking for their tour bus hoping they hadn't left yet. I didn't tell Folio why I needed to know what hotel they were staying at but I'm sure he knew. Also, Noah must have gotten my number from Britt because he called me halfway through my drive and when I didn't answer, he left me a four worded voicemail.

"Please come with me."

After leaving Noah last night, about a half hour into the drive home, I knew I would turn back around almost as soon as I returned. The thought of breaking Noah's heart for leaving again made my stomach churn with something so sour, I knew I couldn't do it. He was ready to give us a shot, so why shouldn't I? Noah was nothing like Jacob, he's already shown me that.

"I might have blown the best thing that could happen to me," I grumbled to myself as I reached the back of the hotel parking lot.

Breathing a sigh of relief, I saw the Bad Omens tour bus parked with their lower doors open, suitcases littered around it. Jolly descended from the bus and when he saw me walk up, he crossed his arms over his chest, an amused smile on his face. Thoughts of last night when he almost caught Noah, and it made my cheek blush red. Thankfully, I didn't have to face any of the guys when I left the bus last night since I assumed they all retreated to their bunks.

"About time," he chuckled while taking my bag from me and tossing in the bus's underpart.

I stared at him. "What?"

"The Nick's and I were wondering when you were going to show up."

"Did Folio say something?" I asked, worried the surprise was ruined.

Jolly shook his head. "Noah's been in a mood all morning so we figured it was because he thought you weren't coming with. But we knew you'd end up changing your mind."

I scoffed and took a large drink of my now cold coffee as Nick and Folio exited the hotel, their own bags slung around their shoulder. When their eyes landed on me, Nick smacked Folio's shoulder while the latter chuckled.

"You're late," Folio commented.

I narrowed my eyes at him. "I'm running on thirty minutes of sleep, Folio. I didn't get home till almost five in the morning and had two hours to pack and get things in order before finding an Uber that would drive me three hours back here."

He ruffled my already messy bun and tossed his bag along with the rest of them. "Noah's on the bus, why don't you head up there."

"Are you guys fine with this? I don't want to impose."

Nick gave my shoulder a light shove, pushing me towards the bus. "His bunk is the third one on the bottom left."

Following his directions, I stepped onto the quiet bus and when I stopped in front of Noah's bunk; the curtain was drawn, and a soft snore echoed in my ears; I let my purse and laptop bag drop to the floor quietly and set my coffee next to it all. The curtain made no noise as I peeled it back seeing Noah's sleeping form curled underneath a blanket. Kicking off my shoes, I climbed into the bunk with him and wrapped my arm around his bare chest, leaving an array of soft kisses against the tattoos there.

Noah stiffened with my touch and slowly opened one eye, staring down at me. I gave him a lazy smile and pulled the blanket over me, cuddling closer into his warmth.

"Fuck, I'm so tired. Can you scoot over a bit? I'm about to fall off," I joked.

Suddenly realizing I was lying next to him, Noah had me pinned to the bed, hips pressing hard into mine. I could feel the outline of his cock through his sleep shorts against my leggings and a soft moan fell from my lips. I was too exhausted to change into something nicer and knowing I would be lounging on the bus called for something comfortable.

"You came," he breathed into the crook of my neck.

I ran a hand through his sleep-tousled hair and left a kiss on his forehead. "You called."

[gghostwriter]

I've been thinking so very hard about Spencer with a professional wrestler whose pretty strong and she meets the team like they go out or something? and somehow it leads to her drunkenly picking Garcia up just to prove she can. sorry this is all over the place...

Spencer Reid x Fem! Reader Trope: Established Relationship; Fluff! Just fluff! wc: 1.3k A/N: Apologies it took a while, I was having ups and downs with my writing. I also don’t know much about wrestling so I tried my best in incorporating the request. Not proofread. Comments and reblogs are greatly appreciated 💗 Main masterlist

Lightweight. // Spencer Reid

Breathe in. Breathe out.

The beating organ nestled by your ribs threaten to flutter right out of its cage. Its drumming rhythm echoing loudly in your ears, a secret staccato only you could hear. 

Breathe in. Breathe out.

A chant soon accompanied the rhythm. Litany of words that you’ve learned to whisper for no one to hear but Nike—the goddess of victory. It was your prayer before stepping on the padded mat and it’s invisible barrier of a circle that dictates who wins and loses. 

Breathe in. Breathe out.

The rough texture of your faded blue jeans against your clammy palms drag you down to the present. The mirage of a gymnasium filled with spectators and judges replaced with faded red brick walls and neon blinding lights that read ‘bar open’. Tonight was a different kind of battle. It didn’t require your muscles being worn down to its core, wrestling an opponent as eagerly thirsty for a qualifying spot for the Olympics team—the type of mental and physical combat you’ve prepped for all your early formative years. No, tonight was a match to impress your boyfriend’s found family—a team of highly respected profilers for the FBI. 

A warm calloused hand intertwined with yours, its hold familiar and soothing. “They’ll love you regardless,” Spencer murmured words of encouragement. The man you’ve fallen in love with always knew where your mind went like the back of his own hand. It was as if he had found an ancient decoder meant just to qualm your fears and ease your nerves. 

You nodded once, feeling grateful for the man he was. “Okay, I’m ready.” 

He leaned in for a whispered kiss. So light and quick as if they were the hummingbird’s wings. It was a welcome distraction, the kind that had you on your tip toes following its wake as he pulled away. 

“What was that?”

“A kiss for courage,” he smiled before pushing the glass door open, allowing a waft of stale beer and grease entice you inside. 

As the sun start to set outside, the place slowly started to come alive. The bartenders were stockpiling up crates of alcohol for the upcoming Friday night crowd and the early birds were busy choosing the optimal spot for their night of good company and bad decisions. The set of profilers sitting around a booth, tucked against the wall, were no different. 

A blur of blond hair and glitter side-way tackled you into a hug. 

“Oh you must be her,” she gushed in this high pitch voice, visibly bouncing from excitement. “I’m so happy to finally meet you! I really tried my best to not invade your privacy but—what am I saying, I’m Penelope Garcia! You can call me Pen, Penny, Garcia, your resident tech—” she leaned in for another squeezing hug. “—anything at all really and I can tell we’d be really great friends!” 

A chuckle escaped from the man standing beside your boyfriend. If you could take a guess, this must be Derek Morgan—the pseudo older brother. “Baby girl, breathe. You’d scare her away if you don’t.” 

“Derek Morgan, don’t make me hate you,” the bracelets on her arm jingled as she hit his muscular defined bicep. 

“Like you could ever,” he teased back before reaching over for a handshake. “Derek Morgan, it’s finally nice to meet the girl who’s got our pretty boy flustered.” 

You smiled, accepting his hand with a firm grip and introduced yourself. “It’s great to meet you too—” you turned to flash Penelope a smile. “—the both of you. I’ve heard a lot of things—”

“Only good things, right?” 

Spencer’s flushed, clearing his throat, as your giggle gave him away. “Maybe, maybe not.”

“Kid, you have some explaining to do,” Derek teasingly threatened before clearing a path to the table occupied by four more people. “Come, meet the rest of the team.”

———

The neon bright lights of the bar were starting to streak in your vision. Its’ concrete floor feeling mush beneath your feet and the voices from your boyfriend’s founded family muffled as if you were straining to hear from underwater.

You giggled. Everything felt different—not bad different or good, just different.

It was official, you were walking the tight, tight rope between sobriety and tipsy territory.

“Sweetheart, I need you to drink this for me, okay?” Spencer’s worried voice broke through the alcohol haze with a glass of liquid in his hand.

You nodded once, a sweet smile stretching your lips. “Hmm—okay.”

“Kid, I didn’t expect your girlfriend to be lightweight,” the burly man—Derek Morgan, you belatedly remembered his name—observed.

“She doesn’t usually drink—” Spencer paused to watch you take small sips of water. “—a little more, sweetheart, I need you to drink a little bit more—drink this much at all.”

You gulped, fingers pushing the glass away from your pouting lips. “Off season, Spence. Coach—coach won’t know and besides I’m not drunk.” The slurring of words didn’t help make your lie any more believable. “I’m really not drunk.”

“I know, I know but I wish you’d pace the drinks more,” his lithe calloused fingers pushed the loose tendrils away from your face. “I don’t want you to wake up with a headache tomorrow.”

You hummed in agreement, your chest warming from his need to take care of you. He had always been this way—it was one of the many things that made you fall for him. How he always placed you as top priority the best he could and how he showed up for every wrestling competition you had. The memory of him with a bouquet of flowers in his hands and a big smile on his face as you won the qualifying match to enter the Olympics wrestling team was the moment when you knew he was the one.

A giggle escaped from your newly found best friend, Penelope. “Prove it.” 

“Prove what?” 

“That—” her pink nail finger pointed at you then at her, hiccuping as she did. “—you are not drunk.”

Spencer immediately tried to shut it down. “No, no. There’s no need to prove it, sweetheart. I believe you.” 

Your eyes narrowed, having caught a whiff of a challenge and by default, you were never one to back down. “How do I do that?”

“By carrying me, of course!” She clapped her hands with glee.

“Oh no, no. There’s really no need to prove it,” your boyfriend vehemently pleaded.

You pouted your lips. The arresting, pleading look that painted your face was Spencer’s kryptonite. It was the same look that had him on his knees, willing to give you anything you wanted. 

“You don’t think I could do it?”

“Of course not. I know you could do it, sweetheart—”

A grin broke from your face, taking his answer as affirmation. And before he could even finish his sentence, you had gotten up on your seat and sloppily crossed the table to Penelope.

“Up you get, princess.” 

She squealed, bouncing up from her seat, trembling from excitement.

You shot Spencer a look of challenge with its matching smirk before weaving your arms around her waist and the back of her knees and bracing your thighs and core for a princess-style lift. 

“Told you I could do it,” you proudly stated as Penelope landed back on the ground with giggles erupting from her mouth.

Morgan hooted with pride.

“Never doubted you for one second,” Spencer smiled.

Emily raised her bottle of beer as if to cheer for your win.

JJ quickly interjected. “Ooh, me next!” 

Comments and reblogs are greatly appreciated!

[simplybakugou]

Story Mode 2 | Mystic Academia: Kaminari Denki's Route

⋆ PAIRING: gamer/streamer!kaminari x fem!reader ⋆ WARNINGS/TAGS: mentions of hospital and stab wound ⋆ WORD COUNT: 845

A/N: second story mode yup yup yup. might've turned a little different from what you guys expected hehe. and yes this is the third update in a day and the second in a single night i'm genuinely on a roll

NOTE: credits to @eraserhead-transparents for the kaminari cap

Mystic Academia: Kaminari Denki's Route Masterlist

Kaminari felt like he was about to lose his mind. He felt restless, both physically and mentally, as he laid in his hospital bed waiting for the doctor’s examination results. His stab wound had been treated and had been bandaged with gauze inside neatly by the medical professionals. He didn’t recall most of this process as he had nearly passed out from the amount of blood he lost from the car ride to the hospital. All he could remember was Sero’s frantic bursts as his friend was terrified of what had happened to Kaminari.

The curtain dividing his bed from others in the room was pulled back as a doctor with a surgical mask and glasses entered his space. Despite the mask covering the doctor’s face, Kaminari recognized the crinkles by their eyes as a smile.

“I’ve got good news for you, Mr. Kaminari.” The doctor paused to look down at their clipboard in their hands as they examined Kaminari’s test results. “Surgery isn’t needed for your wound, fortunately. The knife avoided any arteries and nerves and it wasn’t dug deep enough for surgery. The stitches I administered when you came will be enough.”

The doctor further explained instructions on how to take care of the wound, offering to provide print out instructions after seeing Kaminari’s dazed expression.

“Also, a visitor is here for you,” the doctor stated, bowing as they exited Kaminari’s space.

“Sero, dude, you don’t have to keep apologizing. Everything’s fine,” Kaminari reassured with a sigh, leaning back in his bed as he was convinced his friend was behind the curtain.

“Actually, I wanted to apologize this time.” Kaminari’s eyes widened at the sight of Deku entering his hospital room, an apologetic smile on his face.

“Deku?!” Kaminari exclaimed. “Dude, what’re you doing here? Sero said you were in another country.”

“I was but I got back earlier today.” Deku sat himself down on the stool by Kaminari’s bed. “Sero called me when he was driving you to the hospital and he was panicking. He told me how you didn’t want the others to find out about what happened at the base and he didn’t know what to do or who to call so he called me.”

“That idiot,” Kaminari said with a sigh, shaking his head. “Well as you can see I’m fine so…”

Deku sighed this time. “I didn’t just come here to see if you were okay. I wanted to apologize.”

“Apologize? But you didn’t do anything wrong.”

“But I did. I should’ve taken the security situation Y/N went through at the office more seriously. I know she technically has my job but it’s my responsibility if something happens to her or the rest of you. And to hear that Kirishima was being stalked and you got hurt… I can’t help but feel guilty.” He looked down, shaking his head at himself. 

“Don’t worry about it, man.” Kaminari smiled. “We know you’re busy now and you wanted someone else to take over MFA for a while which is why you asked Y/N to, right? We can take care of ourselves.”

Deku returned the smile, nodding once in affirmation. “I’m glad. You’ve grown a lot since the day we met.”

“Oh, come on! I was eighteen when we met! Of course I’ve grown since then.” Kaminari paused for a moment. “But how have you been? We’ve been complaining how hard it is to get a hold of you.”

“I’m doing alright. I’ve just been going through some things with the photography business which is why I’ve been traveling a lot. I actually have to catch a flight tonight.”

“Tonight? So you’re not going to make it to the party tomorrow?” Kaminari questioned, a hint of disappointment laced in his tone.

“Unfortunately, no.” Deku paused. “But I’m sure Y/N will do an amazing job. And… “ He stood to his feet, getting ready to leave before finishing his sentence. “I hope your relationship with her goes well.”

“Wait, how did you… So you do read the chats!”

Deku laughed. “I pop in to see what I’ve missed from time to time. I can’t be left behind too much now.”

The two laughed and Kaminari felt at ease. Lingering worries about his previous event coordinator finally subsided with Deku’s visit and he was happy Deku had visited, despite the unfortunate circumstances. 

Deku said his goodbyes before eventually having to leave to catch his flight. 

Kaminari leaned back in his bed, resting his eyes for a moment. He felt a twinge of guilt for keeping what had happened at the secret base from you and the rest of MFA and for making Sero keep the secret as well. But he didn’t want to worry his friends.

Kaminari pulled the thin hospital bed sheet up to his chest as he tried to get some sleep. He wasn’t to be discharged from the hospital until tomorrow. He decided he’d tell the rest of the organization what had actually happened tomorrow once he got home. After all, there’s no way anyone found out… right?

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[lingeringdesires505]

maybe its for the best

rin itoshi x reader

angst

rin can’t stop blaming himself, he knows hes at fault, that hes the reason the two of you had broken up. rin’s life mainly revolved around soccer, until he met you. all his life, his only goal was to beat his brother, itoshi sae, and show him how he too could be good at soccer. little did he know, he would be so caught up in his obsession with competing against his brother would ruin a relationship he had cherished so much.

28 April, 10.58 p.m.

The night you two broke up, it was after one of his late night trainings. despite being tired and burnt out, he still stayed back after training, pushing himself to his limit, in hopes that his skill would be up to par with his brother’s.

you laid in your shared bed with him, wondering when he would come home. his soccer training should have ended at 9 p.m., yet he was still not home. seeing the clock almost striking 11, you became more and more worried about your lover. you had sent him multiple texts, but none were read.

“he must be staying back after training again,” you thought to yourself. despite the constant reminders not to overexert himself, and that he should rest more, rin never listened to you. he would either brush you off, saying it was no big deal and that he wasnt tired, or just ignore you. you understood that he was feeling lots of stress especially with the upcoming soccer match, but you just couldnt stand there and see him destroy himself like this. it certainly wasnt healthy and beneficial for his physical or mental health.

as you reached the stadium, you saw a familiar figure doing his routines.

“rin! ive been worried about you. its already 11 p.m., you should come home and rest!” you called out to him as you ran towards him.

“ just a few more minutes…im almost done. after im done, we can go home, okay? “ he said without looking back to you.

as much as you wanted to let him finish, you could already tell he was extremely tired. the sweat running down his forehead and muscles, the heavy panting that you knew all to well — he was already pushing his limits, if you were to let him continue, he might over exhaust himself, doing more harm than good to his body.

“ rinnie, please, youre at your limit already, please just stop! youre going to hurt yourself at this rate! “ you begged him to stop, but he wouldnt listen. tears started to well up in your eyes as you grew more and more anxious, why wouldnt he just stop hurting himself like this and listen to you?

it wasnt long before rin snapped.

“do you really think im that weak?! besides, what i do to my own body is none of your business! youre just another obstacle in the way of my success, just leave me alone you lukewarm piece of shit, god damn it!” he shouted, his eyes filled with anger as he finally looked over to you.

that was when he realised he fucked up.

his heart ached as he saw hot tears streaming down your red cheeks. no, wait, he didnt mean it!

“please baby, wait, i didnt mean it. im so sorry i said that, please..” he immediately stopped what he was doing to run towards you, forcefully hugging you, frantically apologising.

you didnt say anything. you couldnt say anything. you were in disbelief — the man that you had loved with all your heart, the man that you cared for so deeply, wanted you to leave him alone? was this truly the way he felt about you? just an obstacle? a lukewarm piece of shit?

“baby please, i didnt mean any of that… its all my fault, i know you want the best for me. forgive me please… please, say something!” this time, rin was the one of the verge of tears.

“so that’s how you feel about me?… you want me to leave you alone?…” you managed to stutter out, trying hard not to start bawling on the spot. how could he say something so hurtful?

“fine. if that’s how you want it, dont contact me ever again rin, it’s over between us.”

you ran back to your car before rin could react and slammed the door shut, driving off to your shared apartment to pack your things and move out. you weren’t just angry, you were upset.

you couldnt believe this was how your relationship with rin was going to end. you always thought of rin as someone you would continue to love and care for, someone you would grow old with.

that night, rin laid on the grass in the stadium, looking up at the night sky, head filled with regrets, heart aching.

present

was it really worth it? rin always asked himself. sure, he managed to show to his brother that his soccer skills were excellent, but that didnt make him happy. in fact, after the two of you had broken up, nothing made him happy. how could he be happy without you? he was struggling to even live a day without you.

rin would spend countless sleepless nights scrolling through his photo gallery, looking at photos you had forced him to take with you. the poor man couldnt even sleep without your scent. he would often try and find old articles of clothing you had left behind around the house — it was the only way he could sleep, with your scent.

he would spend many hours training, even if there wasnt any upcoming matches. he was desperate to find any sort of distraction to distract himself from thinking about you.

some nights after training, he prayed that you would still be there outside the stadium, waiting to drive him home. he prayed that he could see you again, hear your sweet voice and hearty laugh again. he was so desperate to hear your voice again, he didnt care if he had to hear your nagging or your complaints, he just needed to hear you again, to see that pretty face of yours.

rin always thought about how foolish he was. before he met you, he felt that unfortunate things always happened to him. he always thought about how terrible and unlucky his life was. that was until he met you. you were like a blessing from heaven, an angel that came and brightened up his dull, lukewarm life. he wished he had known how to appreciate you earlier. if only he had opened his eyes and see how much you had loved and cared for him.

it feels like torture scrolling through your instagram page, seeing you move in with your new boyfriend, seeing you have dinner dates with him. he knows your new boyfriend treats you way better than he ever did, and he feels happy that your being taken good care of, but deep down, his heart was being ripped into shreds. it felt so wrong, but he couldnt stand the thought of you laughing, or smiling for another man. you were already moving on with life, getting ready to marry your boyfriend, and there was nothing he could do about it.

rin accepted that he could never be at peace with himself, especially since he had fucked up the only good thing in his life. it was too late for regrets, the only thing he could do now was make sure that you were safe and happy from afar.

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thank you for reading!

word count: 1.2k

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