#it’s all fine I just wish I could exist online without being subjected to The Discourse

[yannfredericks]

being online rn is such a fucking nightmare oh my god!!!

[regular-lord-reckoner]

i apologize in advance because this is probably going to be a lot but i just need to get some stuff out of my brain and hopefully be able to feel a little more at peace

so...okay, to start with we got a new dog today

should be a great thing, right? but i just...i really don’t think it’s a good idea

for one thing, it’s a very young pup, he’s only 7 weeks old. for another (and this is the biggest point) i had no idea this was even happening until it was already a done deal, i got no say in the matter

and i keep being told well, that’s not a problem because it’s not like i have to take care of him but like...of course i am. how would i fucking not?

my mom works a lot and spend a good portion of the week at work and even though i’m here most of the time i‘m usually upstairs

the primary caretaker of this dog is supposed to be my father but like...so seriously how is that going to go when the man spends a good portion of the day sleeping? who’s supposed to be letting this dog go outside to go to the bathroom or making sure he’s not into something?

and like, i don’t mean to be indelicate by any means, but my dad’s old. he’s not going to suddenly get better at this point in his life, in fact it’s only going to get worse from here and i feel like it’s already started

not too long ago he completely burned a pot and nearly burned down the kitchen because he forgot he was making beans on the stove top

any more it seems like if he starts a load of laundry he just...forgets it and i have to come behind him and stick them in the dryer or sometimes just rewash them altogether because they’ve started to smell sour

there’s just a lot of stuff like that where you can tell he started doing something but went to go check on something else or just wandered off and forgot about it completely

i’m genuinely worried about his memory starting to go and we think...giving him a living creature that depends on him for survival was a good idea? i’m sorry, i just don’t see it and that means i’ll have to pick up the slack and like. okay, i’ll do it for this poor little dog that also had no say in this but needs someone to take care of him but jesus fucking christ i just wish someone had bothered to run this by me first so i could at least mentally prepare for this

mind you too i’m already taking care of two cats that also aren’t mine and were brought here without me knowing anything about it and that was also a “well, it’s not your responsibility so don’t worry about it” kind of thing and well...here we are.

and i’m already trying to help out around here more as it is because like, no shit, i appreciate getting to stay here i really do so i don’t mind but honestly a lot of what i end up doing isn’t even my own stuff, y’know?

i’m taking care of myself but i’m also trying to go behind two other people and keep things clean and make things easier for everyone else and i don’t even get a courtesy like, “hey, big new responsibility dropping, get ready for it”? i dunno

and i’ve expressed all of this and just nothing. nobody gives a shit.

and so like okay, fine fair enough you know i’d been feeling anyway like i’m really ready to just...have my own place. again, i appreciate getting to stay here and genuinely have no fucking idea how i’d afford to live on my own but i’m starting to think i just need to bite the bullet and either get a second job or see about some other potential ways to make money

the only thing about that is...there’s a big part of me that’s like, “what’s the point? how long do you think you’ll get to even have your own life anyway?”

because again like...my dad’s old. his health, although not as bad as it has been in the past couple of years is still not going to do a miraculous turn around and like...especially if his mind is starting to go what are my options, realistically?

i go off and start my own life and will just have to give it up to come back here to help take care of him

and i know you’re probably thinking, “well no, you don’t have to do that,” but don’t i?

i’m just going to make my mom deal with that all by herself? there’s no other kids but me who will help. other family might but it’s not really fair to put that on them either and on top of that because we really hit the jackpot with relatives i can’t even begin to tell you how many vultures are going to come out of the woodworks when they get even a hint that things are going bad (hell, that already started when he was going through cancer treatments during this pandemic no less and family were messaging him wanting to know if they could come and visit like...absolutely not, what the fuck are you thinking??)

and i love my mom but she doesn’t take the greatest care of herself and i don’t really want to get into it but she’s definitely started to worry me with her drinking lately.

i feel like i can’t leave here. i feel like everything will fall apart if i do and that when shit really does hit the fan i need to be here so...why bother to leave?

i want to, but can i?

i don’t feel like my life is even mine at this point 

they’re not bad people, i can’t justify doing my own thing and telling them to kick rocks, especially after all they’ve done for me but at the same time i just don’t want to be stuck here forever

i just feel really, really trapped

and i know when people say that everyone gets nervous because uh-oh, that’s suicide talk!! but that’s the fucked thing too is that’s part of what feels especially suffocating

that’s not an option for me. not unless i want to hurt them as badly as possible and i don’t.

and you’d think it’s be maybe a relief to not have that as an option anymore, that oughta steer things in a more positive direction just naturally but instead it just kind of feels like someone’s trapped me in a room that’s slowly filling with water and there are no exit doors or vents or any possible means of escape so i just have to either sit here and slowly wait to drown or do what feels impossible and find some way to make all the water leave and build a better room

and obviously i should be talking about all of this with y’know, an actual therapist but that’s still proving really difficult at the moment

i made a new list of potential ones i just haven’t been able to reach out to any just yet and it definitely doesn’t help that every time i start to gear up to do it it seems like i get online and see a bunch of posts that are like, “honestly, therapy is a scam and not at all worth it and you’re stupid if you think it actually helps anyone, it’s likely to just traumatize you more and you can never trust a therapist!!” and i’m just like oh, okay then

because that’s the thing of it too like i need to talk to somebody, right? but clearly the shit i need to talk about is heavy and despite my trapped predicament like...i need to talk about these dark thoughts but is that going to get me hospitalized? is that going to fuck up my life even more?

and on top that, yeah dude, already having trust issues and being damn near incapable of letting new people into my life at all already doesn’t bode well in trying to find a person i can talk to about with all of this shit but i love the constant reminder that even getting to that point is likely going to be painful and could possibly just make shit that much worse!!!

i also just can’t stop thinking about the one therapist i did reach out to and that interaction alone has made me feel shitty enough. initially i tried to just take it in stride and figured it just wasn’t a good fit but now i’m convinced that’s how it’s going to go when i reach out to anyone else.

i’ll be made to feel like i’m stupid for needing someone to talk to because according to her “my clients have friends if they just want someone to talk to, y’know?” hahahaha no, i don’t but sure, go on!

like ma’am, no disrespect, i’m sure your methods work for someone, somewhere but i don’t think getting more sleep and walking more is going to fix the problem and on that subject...i don’t have friends

i have a friend and that’s about it

when i say i have trouble letting people into my life i really mean it

and yeah, maybe i’m just being a big baby about it all and i just need to like...try to make that happen anyway but i’m also at this point where it’s like...how?

actually how?

at my age?? finding friends??

on top of that just...i’ve been through my share of toxic friendships and although i’d like to think i’ve learned a lot since then and would hopefully never find myself in any again you never really know until you get into it, right? and just the thought of it, of putting myself out there, opening up, being vulnerable and just...letting people into my life only to possibly go through more shit it just sounds exhausting and terrifying.

i know it’s what i need to do, i know i can’t just close myself off from the world and essentially cease to exist while still being here but it just feels so fucking overwhelming and then on top of that like i said before, is there even a point?

because it kind of seems like i’m going to be needed here indefinitely and so is that just my life then? i’m just a loser who never leaves her hometown, never moves out, never has a life of her own or expands her circle to include more people because she just has to stay here and watch over things and take care of everyone and all the added responsibilities they keep bringing into this house without even running it by me first?

it feels like it and maybe it doesn’t have to be but it feels like it

and it just feels really, really suffocating 

and hopeless

and maybe it’s not really, maybe i’m missing something here but i feel like i can see down the road for many, many miles and it doesn’t look promising

and i feel selfish and horrible for even saying all of this because it sounds like i’m just pissed off i have to take care of things and it’s really not that

i genuinely don’t mind helping out and maintaining a space and i don’t even really mind cleaning all that much, it can be a good stress relief i’ve found but it’s just this overwhelming feeling i have of like...this is my life. this is all it’s ever going to be.

i’m going to sit here and watch everyone else go on and live their lives, have lots of friends and romance and really just experience life and i’m just going to be sitting here left in the dust at home chasing after pets and trying to keep everything from falling apart until the bottom does inevitably fall out so i can be here to pick up the pieces just like i did last time

and i mean if that’s the case then i’ll make peace with it, i just wish it could be different i guess. if nothing else, i wish i didn’t have this urge to change things or to have a different life because it just doesn’t feel possible right now. feels very much like if i step away even for a second that everything’s going to go wrong and i’ll be partially to blame because if i had been here maybe things would be different

then again, the last time something tragic happened and i lost someone i loved very much i was here and it didn’t make a damn difference so maybe my presence isn’t as important as i think but i guess that’s part of it too like...that happened on my watch and if something else bad happens when i’m not here... i’m barely living with the first shit, i don’t know if i could handle the second

idk. this is really stupid i think but it’s been in my head for a while now and with this new dog thing i’m just kind of at my breaking point with it so here you go, void.

hopefully i’ll be able to talk myself into getting a therapist anyway even though i’m scared to death because i know i shouldn’t be putting this here but right now i just feel incredibly stuck and i’m not sure what to do or where to go

[hsu-liangyu]

“Orientalia”: White Fascination and Nostalgia for China and the Orient

4/11/2021

Denver, CO

CW: Racism, anti-Asian and anti-Chinese sentiment, violence/sexual assault

Preface:

Today was certainly a day. I’ve been on a cross country trek, which I’ve come to call “The Great Journey East”, where I’m driving from my home in the Seattle area to Portland, Maine to ply my usual trade, working aboard some traditionally rigged sailing vessels that operate from the Maine State Pier. I’ve most recently arrived in Denver, CO, after a tumultuous night of camping in un-ideal circumstances on the shores of Great Salt Lake in Utah. I decided to treat myself to a middling hotel downtown to try to affect an aura of urban tranquility before I head out for Wichita in the morning, and then on to see my mother’s family in Oklahoma. The drive thus far has been marked by astounding natural beauty, kind people, and a long series of audio books that I’ve only just begun to make a dent in. I began this journey listening to “Tribe” by Sebastian Junger, which I found to be extremely interesting and helped some of my own understanding of how society today does not serve the community, and how we may one day return to a society where the people come first, as opposed to the individual. After finishing Mr Junger’s audiobook, I turned my ears to a tome that I have put off reading for a long time: “The Chinese in America: A Narrative History” by Iris Chang.

Listening to this audiobook over the last few days, which begins in Qing dynasty China and ends in the modern day, I can say a great many things. I can say that I deeply feel the experiences that were collected by the author and compiled into this book, not only on an intellectual and emotional level, but on a spiritual level. I can say that, despite years of my own research into my familial experiences and the experiences of contemporary Chinese Americans, my level of knowledge was severely lacking, even though I considered myself to be a relatively robust lay-scholar on the topic. I can say that the experience of we Chinese Americans, foreign and natural born, has changed very little in our time here. While circumstances change from person to person, family to family, and era to era, we are all bound together in trends that have haunted our communities, not unlike the tigers that have stalked southeast Asia for time immemorial, striking out when least expected.

All of that, however, is a surface level understanding. Those realities are the first few layers of a complicated and long history of horrific, violent, brutal, and inhuman oppression in the United States.

I began this audiobook believing that I knew most of what I needed, enough to enlighten the odd person in online discourse, or conversation over dinner. Enough to tell-off the casual bigot that accused me and other Chinese people of overblowing our racial, social, and economic anxieties while making them look a fool. I realized very quickly that while I was not wrong in my knowledge, my staunchly anti-racist rhetoric, or my suspicious attitudes towards the US government and law enforcement, I was missing so much of the story. I was not missing the statistics or the legislative history: I was missing word-to-paper stories of my ancestors -- our ancestors -- and the cold, hard, and hellacious reality that they faced when they got here. These realities may have differed from generation to generation (the Chinese washer-man and washer-woman, miner, and restaurateur of the 19th century was faced with markedly different circumstances from the Chinese who fled WWII, the PRC, or settled in other areas of the world during the diaspora), but they are cold and hard, none-the-less.

I have cried more in the last three days than I think I have in the last three years. My heart hurts for our ancestors, our elders, our parents, our siblings, our uncles, our aunties, and our future children as we exist in a country that has committed nearly every atrocity it could think of to rid us from their stolen land.

This was the state of being I’ve come to Denver with. Finally in the privacy of a hotel room, I showered and talked with my partner. She found a book today, written by the child of white missionaries who fled China just before WWII, that was a compilation of “Oriental” inspired needle-work patterns. She shared the preface of this book with me, which I found to be incredibly alarming, and has prompted me to write on the subject of “Orientalism”, the exotic, and how the experience of white Europeans and Americans in China was vastly different from the Chinese people. Out of respect for the author and their work, which I believe was written as an honest tribute to Chinese culture and its influence on them, I am choosing to omit the author’s name and the title of the book in question. While some may see this as underhanded, I am choosing to do so because I do not wish to wage a war of rhetoric with an author who I have very little personal knowledge of, because I believe it is unethical of me to do so.

However, I will be addressing some problematic concepts that are present in the preface of this book, as they are worth speaking about as we attempt to further society’s collective understanding of differential experiences between people and people groups.

Thank you for reading on, as well as for reading my preface. The following issues are things that I have struggled with for a long time, and I hope that my words bring you additional perspective on Chinese American issues.

“The Orient, the Oriental, and Orientalia: A Curious Lens of Exoticism Riddled with Racism”

Today, I saw a word that I had not seen in a very, very long time.

As most any Asian person will tell you, the words “orient” and “oriental” are generally unwelcome descriptors of Asian people and culture. These two descriptors are applied to clothing, architecture, pottery, art, furniture, cookware -- the list keeps going. I often joke to those who use these words, “what am I, a rug to you?”, which normally drives the point home in a friendly way They are both hangers-on from an era that we’d best leave in the past. An era where the Occident and the Orient were opposites of one another, incompatible, and fundamentally in conflict. The two terms saw relatively common usage in the 19th century, and many Euro-Americans considered “the orient” to be interchangeable with “the far east” while the occident was a catch-all word for Euro-American civilizations ranging from western Europe to the New World. It could be said that the Occident and the Orient began as harmless descriptor words that only communicated a vague notion of differences between cultures, they were rapidly weaponized as anti-Asian, especially anti-Chinese, sentiments began to flare in the western world. Imperial Germany used the two terms to great affect, framing the differences between the Occident and the Orient to be far more than cultural and societal. It was a matter of life and death.

The Occident was the pinnacle of industrialized civilization. It was moral and upright, beholden to the Christian god, supported by the titans of industry, government, and cutting-edge military technology. The Orient was backwards, overrun with dirty Chinese heathens who constantly lied, cheated, and stole from the superior whites. The Chinese were looking to enslave white women, turning them into sex slaves or take them as wives so that they could propagate a wretched half-breed race that would overrun the world and mark the end of all Occidental civilization.

This rhetoric was incredibly powerful, and one only needs to look at early anti-Chinese political cartoons and articles to see these words used in incredibly derogatory ways. The other side of the Orient/Oriental dichotomy was steeped in foreign luxury and exoticism, which served to peak the interest of wealthy whites that bought up all kinds of Asian furniture, clothing, fabrics, cookware, and art from unscrupulous dealers and certifiable importers alike. Affluent white women of the 19th century are well-documented as being deeply invested in luxurious goods imported from “the Orient” and marketed as “Oriental” or “Orientalia” to garner societal notoriety, whereas their fathers, husbands, brothers, and sons would have dressing gowns, cravats, and handkerchiefs created out of fine imported silk. All of these goods were considered exotic and other-worldly, which is not a debased outlook for the time, considering that so few westerners had actually managed to travel in the vicinity of China, let alone disembark in one of the few official trading ports open to European traders. This fascination with all things Chinese, entirely divorced from the reality that many Europeans and Americans viewed the Chinese as grave existential threats to white civilization, is not without irony.

While Chinese peasants and workers died in droves from starvation, disease, localized conflict, or at the hands of white Europeans and Americans acting with impunity in a country that was barred from holding them legally accountable for their actions, cargo hold upon cargo hold of Chinese goods were exported for consumption by westerners. These westerners had military and diplomatic presence in China, especially in the mid to late 19th century, often seizing prime real estate in Chinese port cities for international settlements where it was the westerners, not the Chinese, in charge. These ostentatious settlements, coupled with missions run by Christian organizations from all over the western world, exercised great influence with local Qing dynasty officials, and western nationals all throughout the southern coast of China were free to use and abuse the Chinese around them as they please. These prosperous settlements, a highly visible and permanent show of colonization and foreign aggression, were made so by the labor of Chinese workers and peasants. The same workers who were forced into horrific working conditions in and around the settlements while western nationals were free to treat them as they please with no repercussions, ever for outright murder. Any fascination with the Chinese lifestyle, manner of dress, and other items that could be quickly imported to the west as exotic tokens of the Orient was inherently divorced from the horrific reality of daily life within China, and was nearly always a fascination that arose from social tiers that could afford to be ignorant of those realities while directly benefiting from them.

“Orientalia and the Noble Savage”

The westerners’ fascination with all things Orientalia outlines another phenomenon present in the west’s view of China in the 19th and 20th centuries, an phenomenon that Americans are familiar with as it is applied to Indigenous peoples in North America: the Noble Savage.

The Noble Savage idea and stereotype found quick traction with American colonists as they fought to drive out Indigenous peoples from their ancestral lands all over North America. These Indigenous groups, savage as they were perceived to be, were often regarded as principled and noble in their way of life, whether that was seen in their treatment of the lands, natural resources, their art and craftwork, their societal structure, or in how they treated white settlers when they were taken prisoner. While all of this talk of nobility betrayed the slimmest undercurrents of admiration from white settlers towards Indigenous peoples, the second word of the phrase was integral to its application: Savage. Despite these noble ideas and practices, a savage is a savage is a savage. This two-faced admiration served only one purpose -- to communicate the slightest inkling of fake remorse in widespread acts of genocide against people that white settlers hated and chose not to understand.

For the Chinese and Chinese Americans, the idea of the noble savage is easily translated. While Indigenous peoples in North America had a comparatively low level of technology to Americans, the same could not be said of the Chinese. Despite lacking robust gunpowder arms and other advanced forms of military technology, the technological prowess of the Chinese people was without doubt. Massive cities, sprawling agriculture, advanced irrigation, roads, palaces, and so much more was plainly evident to any westerner who arrived on Chinese shores (the same can be said of Indigenous populations throughout the Americas despite the prevailing myth of "primordial wilderness" perpetuated by white settlers) . Despite the different perspectives that westerns had between the two groups, westerners applied the Noble Savage ideal to the Chinese just as quickly and easily as they did to the Indigenous peoples across the oceans.

While the Chinese were obviously proficient in architecture, engineering, and in art, many westerners were quick to follow up any admiration of their eastern counterparts with staunch, racial criticism, highlighting their savagery in their daily lives such as gambling, long fingernails, or their seemingly archaic dress. Much of the criticism leveled on the basis of savagery had to deal with the assumption that Chinese men would, without hesitation, steal from white men and kill them, while selling white women into slavery. And while this was based in very loose reality (the triad societies of Canton did, indeed, participate in the sex trafficking of Chinese women to California and the Coolie trade that sent enslaved Chinese men to work on plantations in South America), the fears were stoked by ferocious anti-Chinese rhetoric in Europe and America.

The Chinese who emigrated to America were seen no different, and while public opinion waxed and waned, it was always understood that the Chinaman was a noble savage at best, and the earthly embodiment of evil at his worst. While modern Chinese and Chinese Americans may not be subject to the Noble Savage ideas from two centuries ago, it is not uncommon for Americans, especially white American youths, to take this idea as gospel, tormenting their Asian classmates throughout their formative years.

“China’s Sorrow: Nostalgia for a China that did not exist”

(As a forewarning, this the section where I may become quite emotional.)

Something that I encountered today was nostalgia. Not my own nostalgia, but the nostalgia of an author who grew up in a mission or international settlement in pre-WWII China, and fled from the country just before Pearl Harbor. This author, who shall remain nameless for the reason I stated in the preface of this essay, spoke highly of China’s sights and sounds, the people, the food, the craftwork, and of their pleasant life as the child of white missionaries in China. They spoke on how the pace of life in China was different than America, and that they much preferred the comforts of life in the Orient, surrounded by Oriental people and objects, enamored with Orientialia well into their adult life.

I found this passage to be absolutely appalling. I understand that I may be picking the wrong fight here, but this is my emotional response to an issue that I have found difficult to articulate that managed to, somehow, someway, manifest succinctly in the preface of a book that I randomly encountered. I lay my thoughts here:

White missionaries in China lived privileged lives, much like the other westerners that inhabited international settlements all throughout the major cities of the country. Missionaries, like the other westerners, were an extremely privileged class, living privileged lives in a country that was being torn apart by colonization, internal strife, famine, disease, and violence. While the average Chinese peasant in late Qing, early republic-era China had to contend with the daily realities of starvation, material scarcity, and the reality that a western could beat them or kill them and face no legal consequences for that action. Merchants were forced to deal with countless one-sided trade and land treaties, while government officials struggled to keep the country together, if they weren’t themselves contributing to the horrendous reality. Life in international settlements for western nationals is often reminisced upon as idyllic, quaint, and prosperous, which paints a stark contrast to their Chinese neighbors’ experiences. The westerners were off-limits, exempt from legal prosecution, and largely able to conduct themselves as they saw fit, even when their conduct directly endangered Chinese lives.

Meanwhile, outside of these international settlements, war ravaged the country. When the Qing dynasty fell and the Republic of China was established, the country fractured. The nationalist government was constantly at war, sometimes with itself, sometimes with bandits and warlords, sometimes with organized crime, and most of all with the Chinese Communist Party. The Koumintang government, in the wake of Sun Yat-sen’s death, saw Chiang Kai-shek seize power. The Japanese began to aggressively push their borders into China, fighting with superior military technology and training while the national army faltered from unwilling conscripts led into disastrous battles by inept, corrupt, and tyrannical officers. The CCP fought a guerilla campaign against the KMT that further muddied the conflict, with innocents caught between two radical and violent sides while Japan tightened the noose. Communist and Nationalist fought together against the Japanese one day, and may have fought against each other the next.

While the country was torn apart, the westerners in international settlements were unconcerned with the wars raging across the land. They continued to live their idyllic lives until the war was literally at their doorstop -- only then did they become concerned with the plight of the Chinese people.

Only then did the westerners in international settlements care for the circumstances of the average Chinese peasant in the countryside or worker in the city. They could bear no concern while they benefited from cheap Chinese labor, horrific working conditions, or while some of them got away with murder. They could bear no concern while Europe and America colonized China and ransacked the economy. And they could bear no concern for the Chinese being tortured, beaten, raped, and murdered in the countryside, far from their gates, until it was on their doorstep.

The nostalgia that some westerners feel for China, a China that existed before the chaos of the 1920s onwards, is propped up by lives of privilege and white-washed memories that ignore the struggle of the Chinese people right under their noses.

They feel nostalgia for a China that did not exist, because the one that existed was destroyed in part by their international settlements and the colonization efforts of their home countries.

This nostalgia for a China that was at least slightly better than the chaos of the 1920s through the 1940s, or better than the Cultural Revolution, or better before Tiananmen Square exists also within the Chinese immigrant community. But this nostalgia strikes in a way that the other does not.

While the westerner who lived in an international settlement may be able to intellectually sympathize with the Chinese experience during this tumultuous time, it is the Chinese themselves who bear the actual scars. Many of our elders long for a prosperous China as well, but there is a key difference in this: our elders, our family, sometimes we ourselves, bear the scars of the past. Our nostalgia is momentary, continuously shattered by the very real heartbreak that the Chinese and Chinese American community has been subject to over the last century. While circumstances and perspectives differed, the China that some of us long for is just as much a painful sore on our souls as it is a pleasant memory. The pain, the loss, the grief, anxiety, and struggle.

It is a nostalgia for our ancestral land that cannot be found anywhere else, as precious as it is painful.

Hsu Liang Yu

[gemmassong]

So uh. It’s 4:17am and I know literally no one cares but I just finished watching Bo Burnham’s new special and like, holy shit. I have some Feelings. And this is my fucking tumblr so unfortunately anyone who follows me can and will be subjected to those Feelings. Apologies in advance. I blame my high school English teacher for this, who I had for freshmen, junior, and senior year, because that cunt made as analyze and pick apart not just books but documentaries, movies, and other pieces of media to such an extreme degree I still blame her for a lot of my academic burnout and inability to really engage with my college courses because what was the fucking point. If I could write the best paper in the class and still not get a full score when my classmates with less well written shit did because I ‘wasn’t reaching my full potential or putting in as much effort as required’ why should I bother. 

Off topic. I’ll put the rest under a cut to be vaguely courteous because this is going to be a lot of semi-organized rambling that I’m putting here mostly so I can stare at it in baffled, disgusted horror at ~2pm tomorrow when I go back and reread it. And then decide not to delete it anyway because hey, I don’t delete anything because I enjoy tormenting myself years down the road.

I grew up with Bo Burnham, yeah? I knew all the lyrics to New Math when I was in middle school and you can bet your ass I understood like, four verses at the time I first started singing it. And I remember the vivid pleasure of going through high school and hating math because I suck at it (ayooo failed out of Calc senior year first semester~ (they weren’t called semesters in hs they were some quarterly thing but I don’t fucking remember the right term)) and the absolute joy realizing how one of those verses were clever was brought me. Like, every time I understood a new verse in New Math it made my entire day so much better. 

And then the summer after my first year of college I, for some fucking reason I cannot fathom now, 20 year old me thought it was a brilliant idea to decide to watch What. with my parents while we ate dinner. I had seen What. before. I knew what the contents entailed. I was apparently 100% down to watch him pretend to jack off on stage while eating taco salad in the living room with both of my parents who were so closed mouthed about sex that I got literally my entire sexual education from fanfiction. 

And then my cat had a seizure literally right before that scene so fate helped me escape that hell for some reason, and yes, Siren was fine after a very scary night.

But like. Still. What the fuck, 20 year old me. Why did you set yourself up for the mortifying experience of watching a comedian mime jacking off while sitting next to your mother. Why. 

So anyway. Bo Burnham was peripherally a part of my life for a very long time. I’ve always really liked him. I wish he had made more vines while vine was still a thing because the ‘is there anything better than pussy’ one still cracks me tf up. 

I saw a post here at some point about how the new special made someone feel like they’d just watched his suicide note. And I didn’t take it seriously, because yeah, Make Happy got kinda serious and stressful there at the end but like? 

Maaaaan am I glad I watched Inside though, despite being vaguely concerned. I totally get where that person was coming from. It does kinda feel like that. At the same time though, I just have this feeling that Inside is going to be important. 

Here’s where I finally get to the actual fucking point of the post.

Collectively, entertainment media is desperately trying right now to figure out how the hell to handle the pandemic. Ignore it? Pretend all media now exists in a universe where the shitstorm of 2020 didn’t exist? Most of the ones that I’ve seen have gone down what I consider the absolute worst route, which is of course terrible fucking writing that kind of? addresses the pandemic and shit that went down, but like, with clunky dialogue and really bad jokes. I’m mostly talking about the Roseanne spinoff/sequel/whatever the fuck it’s considered, of which I watched half an episode of and then silently begged my fiance to let us leave his mother’s house because she was laughing at it and it was genuinely, horrifically painful. This is why I don’t watch tv anymore. 

ANYWAY. He never mentions it. Not once. There are plenty of really relevant things discussed and pointed out and I think one? mention of the actual year 2020 but beyond that. Nothing. And I feel like Inside might be one of the most genuine, visceral, real pieces of media portraying the pandemic that we, as an American society anyway, are going to come away from this all with. At least everyone in my own admittedly piss poor social circles has spent like last ~year and a half doing that social media thing where the more you post about how well you’re doing and great it all is, the more miserable and bad off you really are.

(Yes, that is how I judge my ‘friends’’ relationships on facebook. The more pictures/posts/tagged shit/social media demonstrations of how ~amazing~ and ~in love~ and ~perfect~ everything is, the worse I assume the reality is.)

But Inside strikes as very, very real. And I just feel like 20 30 40 50 years from now, when we’re talking about the 2020 pandemic and how it shaped and shifted and effected and destroyed people and society, it’s going to be a very important piece of media. Because so far, anyway, it’s the first one I’ve seen where you can actually see it all go down. The absolute fucking breakdown so many of us went through. Dealing with worsening mental problems that had previously been getting better, lost progress, ruined plans and dreams and missed opportunities and everything else. 

It’s the first one that strikes as real, I guess. As not manufactured. Not tailored to portray the ‘correct’ message. Not diminishing or exaggerating anything but just... showing. Existing within the reality of the year. And not being apologetic or ashamed about it. 

I’m glad he actually went through with putting it out into the world. That probably took a whole lot to do, and I hope good things get to him for going through with it all. For completing it and giving it to the world. It was visceral and raw to watch and my piss poor attention span that needs 20+ tabs open at all times actually sat there and watched it, in full, all the way through in one go. Without pausing to read a fic, watch something else, check facebook or tumblr, answer a roleplay, or skim through omegle to see if anyone good was online. That’s like, unheard of these days.

I just. I dunno. There’s a lot there to breakdown. A part of me wants to do it, take the time and write the analysis and the breakdowns and pick out what I think the important bits are. But I hate doing that now and I’m sure the desire will be gone come afternoon-morning, along with all these weird feelings about it. 

This has gotten long enough and it’s 4:47 now, so half an hour of word vomiting into a tumblr post is probably too much. So I guess I’ll call it quits and maybe maybe not delete this when I wake up. Night, anyone who actually suffered through reading this mess.

[archadianskies]

pas de deux

→ on Ao3

@dbhrarepairs​ Friday Day 5: Longing • Mirrors; post-revolution North/Chloe

Individuality is a new concept to deviants, and something North’s embraced. It’s different, though, when one seeks to stand out when one exists in multitudes versus someone who’s always been an individual; there are a thousand WR400s with her faceplate in Michigan alone and there is, and always will be, just one RT600. Chloe is the first, the last, the only, and North can’t go more than an hour without seeing someone with her exact same face.

During the revolution North had started to change her hair, adding more and more red to it so it was a vibrant strawberry blonde. It’s something she has control over, that and her makeup though she leaves those settings alone. 

Chloe is a custom Carl Manfred model, sculpted and painted laboriously as a one off in a way that can’t be printed en masse like the rest of them. Mass production hadn’t even been an option back then, of course, given she had been Kamski’s foray into the unknown. 

Meeting Kamski had been a forgettable affair and she holds no high regard for the creator of their kind, though begrudgingly there’s some respect owed given he wasn’t responsible for the WR400s and HR400s and thus can’t be blamed for life of suffering inflicted on her and her siblings. And Chloe loves him. North’s not sure why but if Chloe sees something in that disaster of a human then he certainly can’t be too bad. 

Meeting Chloe had been something else entirely, and North’s glad for her ability to record and store perfect memory. Not that Chloe could ever be forgettable, but she’s grateful for the ability all the same. For the sake of diplomacy, Markus had requested they meet at the town hall and when Chloe walked in, everyone else became irrelevant. 

It’s not that North’s never seen her face before, since there exists WR400 sisters with her same face, but it was the way she held herself, the way she exuded power unseen by the humans but felt by every android in the vicinity. Back during the demonstration when Markus had beckoned to their brethren, North had been in awe of such an ability but it paled in comparison to the way that petite android commanded the world around her. 

“It’s an honour to meet you,” Chloe had smiled graciously and North had blinked incredulously.

“ Me ?” She’d echoed in disbelief. “You’re the First of us, why would meeting me be an honour?”

“Because you are the fire of the revolution, North,” Chloe quipped with a soft giggle, squeezing North’s hands. “You inspire our people to fight against inequality and injustice.”

She had something lovely to say to all four of them, and North could forgive a bit of flattery towards Markus, but to the rest of them? The three of them? She wasn’t so sure there existed anything one couldn’t chalk up to sheer luck and good timing; for all her bravado, for all of Josh’s sage advice, for all of Simon’s caution, they’d really just stumbled on after Markus and tried their best not to get anyone killed. That didn’t sound worthy of honour, and certainly not bestowed by Chloe RT600 herself. 

* 

“Are you going to ask her to Markus’ gallery opening?” Simon asks in the taxi, a warm soft presence against her side. Kamski is hosting a super secret meeting at his villain lair and while she holds no love for the man, his villa is a fortress when it comes to information security. It’s a black spot for CyberLife as they squabble to find footing in a post-revolution landscape now that androids have been granted the status of living, sentient beings. 

“Don’t be stupid Simon, why would I ever do that?” North snaps and Simon shrugs nonchalantly.

“Because you like her, and she likes you,” the PL600 points out, and North rolls her eyes.

“She’s just being nice, because she’s a nice person,” huffing, she slumps in her seat and crosses her arms over her chest. 

“What’s the worst that could happen?” Simon prods. “That she’ll say no? She’d even do that graciously I’m sure.”

“She could wipe me out of existence in a single blink,” she drawls, and Simon sputters a laugh. “I’m serious! You were there at that board meeting! She totally just wiped that shady programmer’s entire online life off the face of the earth!”

“She put it back,” Simon frowns. “I think?”

“Anyway you can’t talk, don’t think I haven’t noticed you making eyes at Terminator Mr Darcy.”

“That’s not nice,” Simon says sternly and North concedes with huff.

“Okay, yeah, that wasn't. But I’m still right.”

Simon stays quiet for a few moments, expression softening. “I just can’t quite believe I have the time for…” He makes a vague gesture, and oh North absolutely gets it.

“To not be in survival mode. To have the luxury of stupid crushes on people way out of our league.”

“Yeah,” he laughs and it’s such a nice sound. He never laughed in Jericho, not even once.

“I’ll ask her out if you do,” she elbows him and he groans.

“That’s not fair!”

“It’s totally fair!”

He presses his mouth into a tight line before sighing. “Alright, deal.”

*

The villa really does look like a supervillain lair, though Spring has done much to soften the stark palette. The taxi pulls up and they clamber out and North wishes for the umpteenth time that she had a sense of smell. Back during her Eden days it had been a blessing not to have a sense of smell or taste, but as she watches Simon pause and inhale deeply, no doubt filling his sensors with the scent of flowers, North yearns for the ability to do the same. 

They’re early, too early for Markus and Josh to have arrived yet and North is about to suggest hanging around outside before subjecting themselves to human company but the door opens.

“Good morning North, good morning Simon,” PL400 Peter greets them with a gentle smile. “Mr Kamski is having his breakfast but you may wait inside. There are light refreshments prepared in the lounge.”

“Thank you, Peter,” Simon says cordially and nods as he enters the villa. “Is Ms Chloe free?” Oh the little shit earns a jab in the ribs for that one.

“She is in the ballet studio with Ronan for a private ballet class,” Peter gestures and Simon’s cheeky somewhat grimace morphs into surprise.

“Ronan?”

“Yes, the RK900 dances with her here sometimes,” the PL400 explains, leading them down a long hallway. “You are welcome to watch, she will not mind.”

“We’d love to,” North answers because she has to get Simon back somehow for the earlier mischief. Even if her revenge is via a double-edged sword.

* 

It’s not unknown to her, Chloe’s love of ballet- Carl Manfred had stated he’d carved her proportions based on a ballerina, and she’d spent much of her early phase absorbing movement via ballet videos. 

It’s a different thing entirely, to watch her dance. She moves with such easy grace, effortlessly elegant and yet powerful at the same time. The RK900 is a fine partner, all calculated strength and cold regality. It’s one thing to tease each other about harmless crushes from afar, and another thing entirely to be so close and full of longing. 

“Mind your timing, Chloe, you have to ease into it, you’re not giving yourself enough time to prepare,” the hologram of the ballet mistress commands, because of course Chloe’s ballet studio has mounted cameras and holographic capabilities. “Ronan you’re adjusting your stance too often, I want your footing to be neater. Again, please.” She claps her hand and Chloe blinks, soft piano music filling the air as they repeat the segment. Chloe catches her gaze briefly, smile brightening.

“Ask her, and I’ll ask him,” Simon bumps his shoulder to hers. “I promise.”

North thinks back on last November, on how everything changed so quickly with barely any time to process the violence, the trauma. She compares her life before, and after the 1st of December when the law recognised what they’d known all along- that they are alive, and they deserve to be free. 

She’s different in some ways, and the same in many; it’s normal to long for change, but one constant in her life, one unwavering trait she’s proud of is that she never settles for the theoretical, the what-ifs, the maybes. If she wants something, she’ll fight for it; what use is longing without action? 

The piano music ends and the teacher is pleased, clapping twice in praise and Chloe giggles happily as she bows in parting. The hologram fades and she reaches for North’s hands in greeting.

“Hello North, it’s so lovely to see you,” she’s beautiful and radiant like a goddess, and it’s all North can do to not buckle at the knees. She’s not one to back down from a challenge, but she thinks maybe standing defiantly against soldiers aiming rifles at them like a firing squad was easier than this. 

“Would you like to go to Markus' fancy art party with me?” There, she asked. Chloe gasps in delight, squeezing her hands as she beams.

“I’d love to.”

*~* 

It takes her a whole day to process Chloe’s acceptance, and also remember it had been part of a bargain she’d bullied Simon into agreeing to. The PL600 is sorting books Josh had left strewn on the meeting table when North wanders over.

“So. Did you ask him?” She demands, hands on her hips. He looks up like a deer in headlights, slowly taking a step back. “ No ?!”

“No, but-!” He bares his palms as if fending off an impending attack. Rightfully so. “I didn’t have to,” a shy, somewhat sheepish green. “He’d already asked me last week.”

There’s a pause and Simon bites his lip, taking another step back.

“I’m going to kill you,” she says evenly.

“Um-”

“SIMON!” 

“Okay love you bye!” The blond tries to dart out of the room but North tackles him down and attacks him with her fingers, wriggling them into his sides. “Noooo!”

“You conniving bastard!” She shrieks and Simon laughs and laughs helplessly, trying to bat her hands away. 

“Mercy! I had to do it! And she said yes!” She stops and flops onto her back beside him. After a moment, Simon scooches closer and rests his head on her shoulder. “Don’t be mad at me, you needed the push.”

“I did,” she admits and there’s no shame in the admission when the outcome far outweighs the discomfort. “Thanks Simon.”

*~*~*

{Chloe and Ronan are [rehearsing Manon].}

[vaulthuntersmybeloved]

It’s gender rant to the void time because it’s 3am and I was dumb and took a shower and my dysphoria won’t let me sleep :)

Like I’ve never felt a connection to the concept of gender it’s just never been something I like believed in and like yeah I know it’s a ‘real thing’ but it’s also a social construct that evolves with time and is entirely subjective so like it’s just not been something I’ve connected with ever. Like from a young age AFAB me was always called “tomboy” because I never participated in traditionally feminine things like most of my friends were male and I spent most of my school time playing football with them and like that was fine because that’s what I wanted to do because intrinsically I knew I didn’t fit in with the other girls even if at that point I didn’t get why.

And then I went to secondary school, was the first openly bi person in my year and actually looked into lgbt communities online and stuff and saw non binary and trans posts and was like “huh that’s interesting” and then procrastinatinated on actually thinking about it just like I had done with my sexuality years prior (good job me u dumbass). And like it’s not like I was forced into gender roles and shit because it really wasn’t that bad like the occasional being forced into wearing a dress and makeup for fancy events and being joked at about grandchildren (which still happens now despite me saying for over 7 years I am never having kids ever not even adopting so like fuck me I guess). But like it was just small moments that made me extremely uncomfortable the rest was just me existing through life in a low state of uncomfortableness which I’d grown so used to I didn’t even realise it was there until the start of lockdown.

And then I begged my mum to cut my hair and got my first taste of gender euphoria and was like “well fuck” and then went on to realise most of my body and self esteem issues were actually gender dysphoria (and social anxiety but mostly gender dysphoria lol). So here we are a year later where I’ve come out to most of my closest friends and am now using they/them pronouns with them (not coming out to my family lmao they’re fine with being bi but being trans as well Oof) so like it’s helped immensely but also I have some major issues especially with internalised misogyny from where I had gender roles forced upon me and now I hold resentment for anything that’s vaguely feminine because like those are the things that made me feel so uncomfortable for such a long time I can’t stop the association of them being bad and like I know I’m doing it but like I’m not a therapist lol I can’t just undo years of it!

And like it’s funny looking back because like 14 year old me was saying shit like “gender is a social construct” so much that it basically became my catchphrase along with my “capitalism is bad” rants and like it’s so funny to me like i knew i was queer but didnt realise how queer 😂 But even now non binary doesn’t truly fit because labels are just ways of trying to categorise things so that we can understand them but it ends up oversimplifying the thing (e.g calling a platypus a mammal) so like yeah I am non binary because I am not part of the gender binary but like I just have no connection to gender at all like when I think about gender it’s in the context of me wanting to be either an elderich monster or a formless conscience and neither of them quantify into a human appearance so like where does that leave me. Non binary is a label I love because it gave me an escape from the gender binary and the freedom to truly express myself as me not what others wanted from me but also it doesn’t fit but that’s okay because it’s not meant to fit it’s meant to guide.

Anyways idk I’m just tired and wishing I could get top surgery despite knowing you’re not getting me within 10 meters of a hospital without my anxiety making me absolutely leg it also knowing I’d have to come out to my family before doing that so that’s another big no but hey I can dream and cry myself to sleep that I hate my body and anything I do is just mitigation not solving the problem

[purrfectstrangers]

Vantass

Darkness.

That's all that you could sense at first. No light. No color. Just pitch black darkness. 

At first, you thought you were back in the stomach again. You couldn't open your eyes, you couldn't feel anything. You could only assume that all your senses had melted away. You were truly nothing more than a lump of meat melting in his gut.

But... no. That wouldn't make sense. You couldn't breath... but you weren't suffocating either. You tried to suck in a breath, but you couldn't. Where were you? Were you... dead?

Surely but slowly, some form of sensation creeped back into you. It felt... tight. Warm. Moist. Sweaty? This material around you didn't feel like flash. It felt... course. Rough. Like... fabric? You couldn't tell. Your body felt weird... like it was bloated somehow. What was going on?

"WELL, LOOKS LIKE YOU FINALLY WOKE UP." 

Karkat? Where was he? You could hear him talking but it sounded off. It sounded, no, felt like it came from all around you.

"YEAH, ABOUT THAT. MAYBE IT'S BETTER IF I JUST SHOW YOU."

Light. Blinding light. It hit your unadjusted senses like a flash grenade. Your eyes didn't squint. They seemingly couldn't. So you were subjected to this unfiltered glow for quite some time. It felt like a migraine, the only respite was the fresh air washing against your pores. As the shining died down and your vision adjusted, you came face to face with your reflection in the mirror.

Or, more accurately, a reflection of Karkat's ass.

You could feel a smug satisfaction radiating off your new owner.

"OH, DON'T ACT SO SURPRISED. I ALWAYS KNEW YOU WERE AN ASS. WE'RE JUST MAKING IT OFFICIAL NOW." You're able to move slightly. Karkat's right ass cheek shifted slightly as tried to squirm, but it's quickly shut down as Karkat clenches. "YEAH, YOU'RE CONSCIOUSNESS ISN'T FULLY MERGED WITH IT YET. BUT ONCE IT IS, THIS IS ALL YOU'LL BE. NO SIGHT, NO SOUND, JUST MY THOUGHTS AS I USE YOU." Karkat smacks you, causing your form to jiggle. "HONESTLY, IT'S A BETTER FATE THAN YOU DESERVE."

It really was. The tight grip of his pants perpetually grinding against you, the weight of him converging on you whenever he sat down, his voice berating you from all angles whenever he remembered you exist. It was as close as your soul could get to heaven. You couldn't see it, but you could somehow tell Karkat was smiling. 

"I'M LITERALLY YOUR GOD. IT'S NOT ANY SURPRISE THAT I KNOW WHERE YOU BELONG."

~

It had been at least a day sense you woke up. Karkat wasn't paying you any mind, so you were testing out the limits of how much you could move. It probably wasn't the best idea to do this while sitting, but he spent most of the day planted on his ass anyways. Any time he wasn't sitting and presumably yelling at people online, he was messing with you and was liable to clench you back into shape if you tried to move at all. You were just noticing how your movements felt sluggish, slower, when you heard it.

You felt a slight tug at the back of your being. A barely noticable nudge. You stopped, wondering if you'd either imagined it or if it was just some muscle movement that came with Karkat's shifting. But then you felt it again. It felt like... pleasure? Like a moan you could hear in your soul. It felt like air, like a cool Spring breeze. It felt like... John?

You grabbed on to the presence at the next opportunity, only to shiver in sudden pleasure. It felt faint. Not like the wind ought to, but like it was in shambles. You project thoughts at him, thinking as hard as you can in an attempt to communicate, but nothing happens. Unsure of if you're doing this right, you try again, focusing all your thoughts on John. Again, nothing. You tug on the presence, just a little bit more, and you're suddenly overtaken.

Your mind is flooded with images and scenes. You can feel Karkat's sweat on your back, no, John's back, as he pounds into his ass. Derogatory words are yelled into his ear with each thrust, each punctuation pushing John just that little bit closer to the edge. You can see everything they did. Mating Press, Missionary, Deepthroat, Doggy Style. You saw, felt, Karkat's entire body as John fantasized about it. You could practically hear him shouting Karkat's praises in the back of your mind. The entirety of John's mind surrounded you and all of it was focused on his god.

Karkat didn't just eat him, he broke him.

You pull your consciousness away. You don't know how long you were pulked into John's mind. All you knew was that you felt bare again, free as water rained down on you. Karkat must've been in the shower, not that you could see that anymore. Your form felt stiff you, you couldn't shift around like you used to. You were merging with him just a little bit more. Karkat gropped you, jiggling your form about. "LET ME GUESS. YOU MET ONE OF THE OTHER HUMANS IN THERE. YEAH, THEY NEVER SHUT UP. I'VE GOTTEN USED TO MOSTLY BLOCKING THEN OUT."

Karkat mashed his ass against the shower's screen door, squishing you against it. "THAT'S THE PROBLEM WITH BREAKING SOMEONE. THE ENTERTAINMENT WEARS OUT QUICK AFTERWARDS. ALBIET, YOU HUMANS ARE SO FUCKING FRAIL YOU PROBABLY WOULD'VE BROKEN DOWN AND STARTED KISSING MY ASS ASS SOON AS A THREW A BUCKET AT YOU." Karkat rubbed your form against the glass, almost sadistically grinding into his ass. It was heaven. "YOU ESPECIALLY WOULD'VE BROKEN IN SECONDS. YOU FED YOURSELF TO ME. THE OTHER TWO AT LEAST PRETENDED TO HAVE SURVIVAL INSTINCTS. WHAT WAS YOUR NAME AGAIN? ASS PUDGE? FOOD?" Karkat pulled away, shutting off the shower before you heard him open the screen door. "DOESN'T MATTER. YOU'LL PROBABLY FORGET IT EVENTUALLY TOO. I'M NOT A WEIRDO WHO GIVES MY ASS A NAME."

As you try to think back, you wonder if you've forgetten your name already.

~

You've finally lost all movement. All sight, all sound. There was only Karkat in your mind now. And you could hear him talking to someone.

"I'M TELLING YOU, HARLEY, IT'S PERFECTLY SAFE." Harley. Jade Harley. You knew her. A friend of John and Dave, although they didn't seem to remember her. You tried to remember what she looked like, but it was difficult. Green eyes. Dog ears. Long hair. Why did that take so long to recall? How long have you been in here? How long has it been sense you last saw her? 

...How long will it take for her to be forgotten entirely?

The conversation had continued without you. You seemed to be getting less... aware of the world outside of Karkat. How long would it take until you forgot about it entirely?

"JUST SIT BACK AND RELAX, HARLEY." The tight, familiar pressure of Karkat's jeans vanished. "DON'T WORRY, YOU'LL LOVE IT."

The next few hours were divine.

Your form shook and jiggled with every thrust, and you were able to overhear every word Karkat said to her. You wished you could see what was going on. But from Karkat's voice you could only imagine.

"COULDN'T YOU BE A LITTLE LESS PREDICTABLE? WHEN WE'RE JUST DOING MISSIONARY, YOU CAN KEEP UP FINE, BUT AS SOON AS WE SWITCH TO DOGGY STYLE, YOU START BEGGING FOR IT."

"I THOUGHT BARKBEASTS WERE SUPPOSED TO BE GOOD AT LICKING. I BARELY FELT THAT."

"YOU HAVE SPACE POWERS HARLEY. IF IT DOESN'T FIT, YOU CAN MAKE YOURSELF STRETCH."

"WELL, YOU LASTED LONGER THAN EGBERT, AT LEAST. NOW I JUST HAVE TO MAKE SURE MY MEAL IS STUFFED."

You could feel Karkat shift up in bed, and then you could feel his weight increase. You were pressed down into the cushions as Karkat swallowed his meal, the combined weight of two people nearly squishing you flat. You felt your form bloat, the pressure of Karkat's jeans increased as he slept off his meal. Soon, you had Jade's broken mind for company. Now, you had the opportunity to witness the night from Jade's perspective.

Jade was just the first of many guests to follow.

~

You don't know who you are. You don't know what you looked like. You don't know how long its been sense your body melted. But you know Karkat Vantas. 

There was no one left. Every SBURB player, both troll and human, was gone. You had only their memories to go by, without them, you wouldn't even know what they looked like.

You know what their last moments were like before they became ass fat. You know Vriska took the longest to break. You know Dave was the quickest to digest. You know Nepeta jumped at the opportunity as soon as Karkat offered. You know Equius took days to digest.

You don't remember who you are, but you don't need to. You're just Karkat's ass now.

~

Karkat leaned back in his chair, his colossal ass still the size of a watermelon even with his full weight on it. His stomach growled loudly and he sighed in contempt. It had been to long sense he had anyone to eat, but there wasn't anyone left in his session to consume. So now he was stuck scrolling through Grumblr looking for an alternate he could eat. His eyes stopped at one particular name.

Purrfect Strangers

Karkat licked his lips and his stomach growled. A Nepeta and a Dave. Currently, they were off visiting some Gamzee and his brother, but when they came back....

It looks like you might be getting some more company very soon~

(I'm sorry if this seems rushed. I was hurrying to get this done because I knew I'd forget come morning.)

-----------

// That's rushed? I adore it anon x///x

God this has me absolutly weak. I simp for Karkat anyway, but this... oh my goodness its wonderful. You're too good to me anon~ Fuck I'm all flustered >////>

[imadeletingmysocials]

Thinking about leftist in-fighting again and how pointless of a charade it is, but ironically at the same time taking a moment to comment on the fascinating subject of Tankies! ALTERNATIVE TITLE: CENTER-ACTUAL-LEFTIST

Can we talk about how fascinating tankies are like? These are often people who were starving to death due to capitalism (which enforces their belief towards COMPLETE and total devotion to anything against capitalism) but then later I guess got some sort of job and is buying North Korea memorabilia, like at least 200 dollars in memorabilia after buying a gun (because if you’re a maoist/whatever without a gun, all I gotta say is: what the fuck?) For the most part I worry for them if they were die a warrior’s death or be imprisoned before they had the chance to do so. But for the most part: they aren’t hurting no one outside of sometimes being annoying online. For all we know all they do is spend their time doing that, they argue online the whole day but they’re very shy in person because they might be confronted with the idea that maybe LGBT people are treated badly in totalitarian states (we don’t know that for sure I guess, also what fucking reason would exist for such policy outside of pure biased malicious intent, if I were a dictator i’d let gay people be cool LMAO I hear cuba gives free transgender transitions, can’t speak for NK though).

Tankies might even have the same fanaticism like neo-nazis have through some really far-fetched absurd relation but unlike neo-nazis for the most part they aren’t harming anybody we care for, and they fight the same stuff we do in the end. Outside of their actions for the most part the whole tankie stuff just seems like a weird nerdy hobby. It doesn’t help that a lot of it is centered around historic iconism (a lot of which doesn’t feel that relevant nowadays, I get liking certain icons due to what they represent for the people but outside of an image of nostalgia and example they aren’t THAT relevant) which in the end bares resemblance to nerdy historic collectors who love to collect memorabilia, something that due to my personality type cannot take seriously. Like I can easily imagine the same happening with comic book people and how they use pictures of Stan Lee with quotes that would motivate you to be a hero! 

I LIKE TO consider myself a CENTRIST, a leftist centrist, in other words, if you see you fuckers fighting too much and end up doing what the right-wing want I’m gonna think you’re right-wing, I hate anarchists who uncritically dislike Cuba and I hate tankies who uncritically dislike Rojava. You can go about socialism in multiple ways, state-wise, people-accepting, fuck you could even accept money and collaborate with America a little if you still keep your leftists principles, and if you are 100% against these socialist movements then you just seem like a right-winger at that point. 

Here’s a thing ok: functionally, at the moment, all leftists kinda operate the same, leftists in America or capitalist countries in general, outside of title their actions are usually union-stuff, gun ownership yadda yadda. Especially if they have other leftists to do things with, personally I don’t get leftists who are like “quit doing nothing”! Like if you don’t have a organisation or group, at the most you’re like everyone else and you just bought a gun, have a lot of resources (theory) and are waiting and bidding your time, doing what you can, if you see something do something but as individuals we are mostly powerless outside of wishing to be the next Chris Dorner out of a cool suicide and going out in a cool way, so we just wait until we can build or hope to find a coalition.

I’m fine with tankies that by the end of the day aren’t hurting nobody, are mostly doing the same good activism most leftists do and just really like history memorabilia. Most anarcho-communist friends I know accept and understand certain socialist states as to why and how they operated, I cannot say the same about the many tankies who are the straight-up-Rojava-hating kind though!

So basically here’s the full answer to that question: Can tankies like legit be an issue? Of course, I think the biggest red flag is being against rojava honestly like at that point you're too far gone. You could even be ok with states that are secluded out of self-defense due to imperialism (and due to them being shrouded in mystery the fact are mostly that we don’t know for sure anything at all about them, however not letting many people just... Leave or allow transparency is kinda of foreboden, you need to understand that, and if you don’t see that as being fucked up suspicious activity AT ALL without a single ounce of nuance well you are literally brainwashed and just as bad as the Americans who use excuses as to why America operates in such a shady way, but hey! Fear of Spies! I just hope they allow their citizens to turn and eye on pirate stuff like Cuba since it’s a victimless crime, also Karl Marx and Mao said everyone should have guns so if your country doesn’t allow it’s workers to have guns well that’s a bit of a problem isn’t it, seems like a hierarchy against the people where not everyone can have the same amount of power to me) but the moment you're against a group of people for the people without being a state you've showcased yourself as just being a 100% state worshiper first and interested in the struggle of the people second, like treating the idea of a recognized state as the be-all goal. 

At that point you’re just some weird religious-like nerd who thinks life should be a game of those Sim games were you can be a dictator (and even in Tropico you can be a nice person that allows immigrants and people leaving the state holy shit) and as far as things go you’re only useful for joining protests people universally like ironically against American’s anti-immigration and racism. North Korea being this weird rape victim of the world isn’t gonna change much in what you do outside of it, it’s pure religious follower ship built on faith and I guess we should respect your religion but if you actually cause more problems than not then that just makes you seem like you’re on another side, because as far as we know it’s funny that most of us don’t 100% know what’s going on at all in North Korea cuz we don’t live there, all we know is that they’re just playing defense.

If you’re the type to start some kind of topic with me and be like “rojava is a pettit bourgeois state” kind in mind, we aren’t in the cold war anymore, we don’t have a soviet superpower out there installing bases in our places for aid, the soviet union no longer exists and you need a super power backing up your kickstarted state for the sake of survival. You cannot aid yourself with THE OTHER super power, there are no sides to pick here, it’s not a yes or no question, Venezuela isn’t going out there to aid, North Korea, or Cuba isn’t either, ok cuba sends doctors but for the most part if you receive aid in wartime, it is not an option, you need to take it. As for anarchists being nothing but “petit bourgeois with no principles”: chances are you are on the internet, chances are you are nothing but a petit bourgeious as well considering we all live in a world corrupted by capital and everything we do, whenever it be for good intentions or not is within the framework of profit and capital, i could buy a commune to aid my comrades and live off the grid but I am still part of that state, i am nevertheless buying a house, everyone is a part of that state, America’s imperialism owns the fucking world. Don’t act like you better for that, it shows your lack of understanding and feeling better for it. You’re being petty because in a world with few choices, a group of people had to receive aid from America.

[mugen-monogatari]

5 Quality Yet Accessible Tragic Anime You Should Watch

Let’s talk about tragedy in anime. Ain’t nothin’ like watching some sad anime boys experiencing sad things while I sit there and cry. I love tragedy in anime, there’s just a certain satisfaction in ‘dissatisfaction’. Sometimes, it’s far more meaningful for someone to lose a fight, to make a hard decision or sacrifice something. Maybe the hero never saves the girl, or a loved one just doesn’t make it. Yes, in a perfect world everyone ends up happy, but this isn’t a perfect world. People suffer, and sometimes it ends on a good note, sometimes everything goes to hell and the world burns. That gritty realism and human error adds a level of empathy and depth to many shows that would otherwise lack it. I personally think it’s worth talking about that, since I don’t think tragic anime get enough love.

So I thought I’d make a quick list of 5 accessible yet Quality tragedy series, ranging from pretty popular and accessible, to slightly more niche. Many of you have seen these series I’m sure, but with the continuous stream of shows being released every single season, it can be hard to either go back and watch older shows, or stay on top of newer ones. These are just a few picks that I would urge anyone and everyone to go and at least try.

I should also preface this by saying, when I say tragedy, it doesn’t mean the show has a depressing ending. By tragedy I’m referring to tragic events happening in a show regularly, be it at the end, the beginning or throughout. Simply putting something on this list, doesn’t mean it has a tragic ending, so you can rest assured there are still surprises to come when watching these.

Also, these are all my opinions, everyone is entitled to them. You can disagree or agree, it’s up to you, we can even discuss my peeps. Just don’t brutalize me for shows you don’t like or if one of your favorites isn’t on this list.

All of that being said, Here are 5 tragic series I think everyone should at least try:

1. Code Geass

Starting off simple we have Code Geass. What a show this was back in the day. Death Note, mixed with Mechs and sci-fi and chess and a whole lot of edge. For many people, they have already seen it, it’s almost guaranteed if you watched anime in the early 2000s. However, as time goes on, this series slowly falls into obscurity, many people being less attracted by its flamboyant art style and the ever growing age. It seems like Code Geass is slowly fading away with time, people online aren’t forgetting about it, but moving on, and many new fans are understandably detracted from a show like this.

But they’re all wrong. This series is incredible. It’s a fundamental “must-watch” show. Sure, it shows it’s age now, but that doesn’t detract from it’s plot and characters. With a very likeable cast, a constantly expanding story, high stakes, insane powers and mind games, politics and action, all of these make an insanely good series, one that warrants repeated viewing to this day. What starts as a boy being in the wrong place at the wrong time, blows up into a worldwide conflict. This is one of those series that sticks with you, there are scenes and moments in this you just never forget moving forward.

Some of the things I love is Sunrise’s mech designs, Lancelot as well as many of the Knightmare frame designs in the movies and show are still fun and vibrant to this day. Many old Mecha shows become redundant years later as the designs don’t hold up. This one though, certainly does.

I also really love the voice acting. Yes the sub is good, but the dub (fight me) is just mwah. Johnny Yong Bosch as Lelouch is nut worthy. Just watch the first episode where he gives his first command. Insta nut. I’m telling you.

I also love the endings of both seasons. I think the first is a really good climax, while the second season closes about as well as this could, while still coming out of left field.

Some things that I think detract people, definitely start with the art style. Sunrise’s designs for the machines and backgrounds and such is fine, it looks good, however Clamp’s character designs are definitely an acquired taste. They’re not for everyone. Everyone looks super slender, almost cartoon like in their clothes and proportions. Yes you get used to it, but they still look very “different” to the standard, even back when it first came out.

Another is sometimes, the show just goes to very strange places, for example having an episode to do with drug addiction that just came out of left-field. In the same vein, some people have very mixed opinions on season two, not entirely liking the direction it goes and some of the character developments. However, a lot of these things are subjective and I’ll leave them up to you to decide.

Spanning two, 25 episode seasons (you can definitely just pretend the movie never happened) as well as several spin off OVAs and Shorts (Those you actually can watch though), the series is a pretty long watch by today’s standards, but it’s definitely worth it.

2. Zankyou No Terror

Next up, we have Terror in Resonance. This one for sure is worth the watch even without the tragedy. This is one of those shows, which is so visually appealing to watch. It’s one of the most aesthetically pleasing shows I’ve ever seen. I guarantee anyone who’s interested in aesthetic gifs and images of weeb stuff, has seen shots from this show without even realizing it. It’s not exactly a niche show, but it’s a little less accessible than something like “Angel Beats”, with a much more serious and gritty tone. It’s not criminally underrated, but I just really wish more people had seen this, since it genuinely is a beautiful series.

Some of the things I really love about this show, is (as I’ve mentioned a thousand times) the aesthetic sense. Every shot in this series is screenshot worthy, with plenty scenes making for ‘straight-out-the-box’ gifs and icons and whatever it is you kids use screenshots for. Even the food, just like papa Gigguk mentioned, is just mwah, spicy stuff. I attribute this to the very well considered color palette, realistic lighting and designs, as well as just overall good cinematography.

On the less visible side of things, the story hold ups really well too, with some very genuinely emotional moments and scenes. Just like Code Geass above, this series has a very well considered ending, with a “Wholesome”(?) message at the end.

The only negatives I can really give for the series, is some pacing issues if you’re an impatient brat like me, as well as almost a complete lack of lightheartedness. The series can be sweet and touching, but it’s almost always dark and serious at the same time, with no time to relax or breathe throughout.

I think there isn’t as much to say about ZnT as there is about Code geass, as it’s not as subjective. It is an objectively high quality show, your own enjoyment of it is what varies. Unlike Code Geass, there isn’t many flaws, but it doesn’t take as many risks. To me, this show is a very safe bet. It looks gorgeous, is only 11 episodes (you big boys and girls can binge that) and tells a satisfying, self-contained story. A little bonus is that it’s directed by Shinichiro Watanabe, famous for Cowboy Bebop and Samurai Champloo, so hey- It has that going for it too.

3. Parasyte: The Maxim

Following on, we have one of the series that introduced me to tragedy, Parasyte: The Maxim. Let me tell you, this series is dark. And violent. Very violent at times.

When it first aired in 2014, the response was pretty good, it didn’t reach critical Acclaim, but had its own cult following, with the manga having been published from the late 80s to the mid 90s. For me, this was one of my first truly “darker” and more violent anime, having really only watched shounen and some seinen before that. This to me isn’t one of the best stories ever, the characters are fine, and the show looks acceptable. But while it doesn’t excel in anything, it does everything really well. To me, it’s the perfect bridge from Casual fan, to serious- or even as a primer for more dark and violent stories, such as Berserk or dare I say it Tokyo Ghoul (Read the manga, please don’t support the anime adaptation).

For me personally, I really Liked the main character, he drove the show on for me. Watching him develop into someone completely different from the beginning of the show, was a real draw to me. He’s likeable, relatable to an extent, and he had a complete character arc. Shinichi in the beginning is not the same character as in the end.

This character is also used to convey a deeper meaning about what humanity is and how we define the term. It’s a really interesting series about us as a race, with some genuine things to discuss and think about, which leaves a longer lasting impression than most shows. It’s the sort of series that makes you want to share it with other people just so you can talk to them about it. Ah- and it’ll hit you in the feels. This show is genuinely tragic through out, but still stays personal to the small cast, which to me, is the sign of a really good tragedy. Despite things going on in the entire world, they make you care about these few people specifically.

However, it has it’s own problems too. Art wise, it’s very faithful to the original source material, capturing the feel of it, the low key oppressive vibes. However, this also means, it can look a little… ‘Bland’? At times. The earthy colors can be a little drab, especially in an age were Studio Trigger, for example, can make an eye-gasm worthy scene using colours you didn’t even know existed.

The other problem, is some of the characters are very one dimensional. Take the love interest, she doesn’t really develop or change at all throughout the series, but I personally give this a pass as she’s not super relevant to the story anyway.

A fair warning though, this series has some strong violence, plenty of gore and mutilation, if that’s a problem for you, I suggest either giving this one a skip, or just trying to sit through it. It’ll be a good learning experience.

Spanning a fair 24 episodes, having aired in 2014, this series is both bingeable, and holds-up very well in the modern ecosystem of anime. To me, this is a pretty top tier show, a solid 8/10, it’s very good, a really well made show, It makes for the perfect bridge into far more serious and dark stories, such as maybe Berserk and Devilman, hence why I put it on this list.

4. Fate/Zero

For my second to last show, perhaps one of the most well known franchises, that is lowkey kinda niche. Fate is a series everyone knows the existence of, but not as many people have actually watched, especially not casual fans. To be frank, it’s intimidating. The series has no real easy entry point, and all the timelines are relatively interwoven, you can’t just bounce around. Everything spoils everything and it’s scary to even look at a list of fate entries.

That’s why I picked Fate Zero. To me, it’s the best entry point into the Type/Moon genre. For those of you who don’t know, it’s basically a battle royal between seven summoners who each have a servant of different classes. They all have to fight for the Holy Grail, an artifact that will grant them a single wish. Sounds simple right?

Well it’s not. The entire series is full of not only badass action, but plenty of mind games and ‘cat-and-mouse’ between the characters. It’s brutal, it’s tragic, violent and uplifting. Ufotable delivers some of the highest quality animation you’ll see in your life (they’re renowned for it), but it doesn’t just look good. The story is compelling, the characters are genuinely likeable and by the end, I wanted everyone to live and survive. Everyone has believable and compelling motivation, and even the objectively evil characters, like Caster, are still likeable, because you begin to love to hate them. The entire season honestly plays out more like a compressed microcosmic version of Game of Thrones, than a battle royal anime.

There are plenty of things I like about this series, the plot is really fun, the fights are pretty damn cool and it can be a very emotional show at times. I could talk about these aspects endlessly. However, the thing that really makes Fate for me, is the characters. Each individual characters gets some time and attention, and with the exception of a few, you really genuinely like and care about everyone. You want everyone to win, or at least survive, since all of them are either genuinely lovable, or have very compelling motivation.

The other part to it is, this is the best starting point for the rest of Fate, and I would actually argue that it enhances many scenes found in the subsequent (story wise) series, even if they aired prior to Zero. This series both introduced me to Fate, and got me attached and invested in the world, which is the sign of a good (technically) first series.

On the other hand, it has problems. First of all, it’s pretty interwoven with the later series. Those came before it and set up a lot of mysteries and ideas that Zero goes out of it’s way to explain, from character identities to events in the timeline, watching Zero will spoil a lot of those things, which may lessen the later experiences for some people.

The other flaw is despite being maybe the best starting point for Fate, it still isn’t entirely accessible. The show can be straight up confusing at times, at least for someone who hasn’t seen Fate. Many elements of the world aren’t explained and you’re just expected to go along with it, since it’s either just a part of this world, or explained in other series. Which is fine, but often lead to some rather “But wait… What just happened?” moments.

Ultimately, Fate/Zero is fantastic series for anyone looking for a really good character drama, full of magic and badass historical references. It’s not the best introduction but it’s the best you’ll get from Fate. Similarly to Code Geass and ZnT, the series has a really good conclusion in my opinion, with plenty of tragic moments sprinkled throughout.

For Fate, Zero specifically consists of two seasons of 12 episodes each, for a bingeable 24 episode series. For ideas where to go next from this, look for my upcoming Tumblr Post explaining the fate continuity.

5. Mobile Suit Gundam : Iron-Blooded Orphans

And Finally, we come to our last pick of the day. This is a series, I would urge anyone to watch. If I could make you watch one Single series from this list, this would be it. Throw away any views you have on the franchise or the genre, don’t be afraid of the name, just give this series a try.

Iron Blooded Orphans follows a small mercenary band of boys who just want to make a home for themselves in a galaxy strained by political unrest. The premise is simple, just people trying to survive and make a life for themselves.

Well what if I told you it was directed and written by the same Duo that made AnoHana, one of the most commonly acknowledged tragic shows out there. This duo write and direct stories about innocent children being put through immense hardship and this series is no different. This show is tragic, painful even. I sobbed as many times as I laughed and smiled in this show. We spend a season watching them come up in the world, only to watch everything get torn apart in the second season, and it is genuinely emotional and heart wrenching.

Something I love about this series, is the characters and how attached you become to them. Death is a genuine threat in this show, even if you don’t feel it in the beginning. When people die, it hurts, and that applies to IBO, where each death leaves resounding ripples on the people around them. It handles familial relationships really well, making you believe in these people and their emotions. When they suffer, you cry for them, and when they get brief moments of respite, you do too. I love how invested you become in this ragtag team of boys, making some of the later scenes all the more devastating when they happen.

Another thing I love is the stakes. Within the second season, the pressure to perform is on, the first season, while having threats and such, was never even close to season two. To be vague, one of my favorite moments is when a character has to land a decisive shot in the midst of a battle, and everyone’s lives are on the line. That entire confrontation is one of my favorite scenes in anime of all time. It is truly suspenseful and will take you on an emotional journey.

To top it all off, it’s made by Sunrise. If you like Mechs, well oh boy do they have you covered, and if you don’t- well oh boy, you will when you’re done. This show makes the mech Genre, and Gundam entirely accessible, you need no prior knowledge, you don’t need to be a fan to enjoy it. The fights are really fun and have genuinely cool moments, as cool as it can get for a mech anyway. The characters and story are well written and everything just comes together to make a very well produced show- Good job Sunrise.

It doesn’t go without it’s own problems though. The first 20 ish episodes, until they get to earth, are not pointless, but have some pacing issues, as well as low stakes. There are threats and people die, but you never feel that scared or intense. Then towards the end of season one, the show kicks into high gear. To counteract this slow start, the series has a phenomenal season two that I genuinely believe everyone should watch, as it’s a perfect example of character drama done exceptionally well.

The series is comprised of two seasons of 25 episodes each, totaling a measly (if you’re a big boy or girl) 50 episodes. There is several related forms of media, nothing worth mentioning though, for more Gundam, you’re better off watching other series from the franchise.

If I can only force you to watch one, please go out and watch Iron Blooded Orphans. To me, it’s 9- pushing a 10/10 series, with a undeniably slow start, but a fantastic heart felt, emotional ending.

So that’s it from me guys. Thanks for taking the time to read the ramblings of a mad man like me, but I hope this gives some people some ideas on where to go next or what they can watch now. If you enjoyed, make sure to follow me for more discussions and lists and whatever else anime related. If you have any advice, or want to discuss something with me, go ahead let me know, other than that- Leave, go outside, get some fresh air after reading all that.

[fourteenacross]

octet - 5/25/19, 2pm

Hello, hello, I'm back from New Jersey! Which, you probably didn't even know I left, because I never post here anymore, but since we've yet to find a new platform for fannish happenings, I don't really have anywhere else to post show notes and the like.

Anyway, we saw Octet and Hadestown over the long weekend. I saw Hadestown at the NYTW in 2016, but I saw it the same day I saw Hamilton for the first time and my notes are lost to the ages. More about that later, though. (Tomorrow, probably.) For now, I'm going to focus on Octet.

So, here's what I knew about Octet going in: - Part of Dave Malloy's five year residency at the Signature Theatre - internet/discourse - Alex Gibson - a cappella? - support group?

The day before I did a little bit more digging, but I was kind of into going in blind, so I didn't dig too much.

Overall, I really liked it! My above the cut review is that, like all good Malloy shows, it brought up a lot of interesting concepts and shined a light on very relatable behaviors and ways of thinking. It doesn't really have a plot or narrative, and seems to largely exist to explore different types of internet denizens. As such, the characters vacillate between being actual people and being archetypes. I think all of this is fine--not everything needs to be a tautly plotted story, it's okay for this to be a song cycle, not a narrative musical. But I'm putting that out there for anyone who's thinking about going, just so you're aware when you head in.

First off, the set dressing is amazing. It looks just like a ratty church all purpose room, down to the way the light switches are labelled and the signs on the wall with clean-up instructions for group leaders. The walk in is papered with flyers advertising self-help groups, tutoring, charity walks, etc.

The show is set up like a support group meeting. A couple actors come in before the start and clean up the detritus of a bingo game and set up for the meeting, and then the group gathers and they begin. The group is “Friends of Saul,” and group members are told to put their phones off and in a basket against the wall, as they're here for various screen addictions.

Hymn: The Forest: This was a very Malloy song--it starts off a a meditation on a beautiful forest and takes a left turn. Delightful. Halfway through, Velma comes into the meeting and joins the other seven folks for the end of the hymn.

Refresh: Paula, the group leader, welcomes Velma to the group and tells them that Saul can’t be here this week, but he’s asked her to lead. She then asks if anyone wants to share. Jessica acquiesces and talks about how she was the subject of a viral video and has been "egosurfing" ever since, a compulsion to read all the shitty things strangers are saying about her without knowing her at all. (Unsurprisingly, Malloy says this song was heavily influenced by his feelings post-Comet.) Margo Seibert kills this song, which delves into our kneejerk tendency to pile on, sometimes without knowing or caring about context. It made me think a lot about how this goes both ways--the song focused on the negative, but obviously Milkshake Duck Syndrome is the same basic concept at its core.

Candy: Henry offers to share next. He talks about how his life is going okay at the moment, he's been on a few dates, but he hasn't had the heart to tell the guy about his "problem" yet, which is that he's addicted to video games. The song obviously invokes Candy Crush, but also refers to various other games including MMORPGs, FPSs, RPGs, and other phone puzzles games. I love this song--it is insanely catchy, Alex Gibson is delightful, and it's also profoundly sad and relatable. Henry eventually reveals that he uses games to avoid the real world and he's fairly sure he doesn't care if he dies, so he uses these games to string himself along and pass the time. Ouch. Also hashtag relatable content.

Glow: Paula shares next and talks about how she and her husband are both screen addicts and how they'll lie next to each other in bed, each on their own devices, ignoring the other, and how she wishes he would stop bringing the catastrophes of the world into their bed. She's lonely and sad and he doesn't see it because he doesn't look up from his phone. Starr Busby is incredible and, as a person who had to take an eight-month twitter break because she couldn’t handle the constant barrage of despair, I feel this song pretty hard.

Fugue State: Paula sets a metronome ticking for a five minute silent fugue state. The characters cycle through various thoughts about social media and the internet, calling out specific formatting for jokes and call out posts and "um actually"ing other people's comments in a whirlwind of commentary on how we interact with each other online. It's a very well put together song, but it's another one of those moments where it's clear this is a collection of songs about a concept rather than a narrative story.

Hymn: Monster: There's a five minute break, in which Henry approaches Velma, who's been quiet up to this point. She launches into a fast and awkward explanation of how she's on a self-imposed internet hiatus because she keeps getting tied up in discourse that's not good for her. She talks about being a part of a previous group that was not good and how she's since gotten into tarot instead, but there are parts of that group that aren't good, too (she delves into the Sephora Starter Witch Kit debacle), so instead she's taking a break and only talking to her one friend, whom she refers to constantly as "my friend." It was a very stark moment of self-recognition, tee bee aitch, and Velma is definitely the closest to the fannish millennial internet archetype. She says she found the group after Saul broke into a chat with her friend to tell her about it, so her friend said she had to come to check it out. After her monologue about all of this to Henry, the others return from their break to sing a hymn called "Monster" that talks about online trolls and how engaging with them and reading their exploits poisons your brain.

Solo: Karly and Ed alternate in this song, coming together in moments of similar sentiment. It's really an interesting way to handle the topics in question. Karly is singing about dating apps and how hard it is to find a dude who actually cares about her and the thin line between being asserting herself and the possibility of being the impetus for another MRA mass shooting. Ed, meanwhile, is a lonely dude who is on the verge of turning to the incel community because they can relate to his feelings of rejection and isolation. The whole thing is creepy and awful and very well blended--there's some empathy on both sides, while also making it clear how awful these dudes are.

Actually: This is Toby's song. Toby is a former punk kid turned conspiracy theorist. This is the song I struggled with the most. I just couldn't follow it narratively--I wasn't even 100% positive about the "conspiracy theorist" part until I could come home to read the lyrics. The lighting in this song was wonderful, though, and the ensemble was great. It just didn't click with me and it was harder for me to follow.

Little God: Dang, I loved this bit. It was the weirdest, and also had a distinctly Douglas Adams flavor, which was especially apt as I was attending the show on Towel Day. (So, honestly, it’s not surprising that I liked this bit so much, in retrospect.) Marvin, a neuroscientist, is up late with his new baby daughter when he has a vision from god. He chalks it up to a dream until god appears to him again the next morning. He goes to his lab, where all the other scientists have had a similar experience, and god appears to them in the visage of a little girl, whom they call Little God. They do a series of tests to prove whether god is real, and can manage to find scientific explanations for them all, trapped in this cycle of seeing wonderful things and then dissecting them clinically. Velma ends his story by telling him he's "The Hanged Man," the tarot card that represents everything one believes about oneself being flipped on its head.

Tower Tea Ceremony: The group starts a tea ceremony, passing around cups of tea, after which Paula comes around adding drops of something to the cups. Velma nervously asks what it is, and Paula calmly explains that it's a powerful group psychedelic that induces a five minute coma. Everyone else is chill with this, but Velma is visibly startled and nervous and does not drink her tea. Everyone else passes out, leaving her alone.

Beautiful: While everyone else is passed out, Velma sings her story. She was lonely and felt ugly and fat and stupid. She spent a lot of time alone and cut herself, but eventually found another girl just like her on the other side of the world. She had the same interests and liked the same things and felt the same way. She tells Velma that she's worthwhile and that there's light inside of her and, through seeing the same within her friend, she's able to start to accept that about herself. Kuhoo Verma is something else entirely on this song. It felt so personal and quiet and perfect. And, to be honest, it really anchored the show for me. After almost twenty-five years of being a nerdy, lonely kid on the internet, I tend to be very kneejerk protective of internet friendships. When people deride the internet as toxic, my urge is always to defend it because it's the source of all the good things in my life. I didn't have a lot of friends as a kid and I was socially anxious, but the internet was a way for me to meet other people who liked the same weird things I liked. These days that's a much more common, accepted story, but it was weird and new in 1996, so I spent a lot of years either lying about how I knew my friends or insisting that the internet wasn't just pedophiles and murderers. Obviously in the years since, the internet has grown into something bigger and, frequently, more toxic than I could have imagined at ten, eleven years old on the AOL Jonny Quest message boards. The urge to defend it has never gone away, however, and so I was obviously a little nervous about this show. But I trust Dave and I know that he's a big ol' nerd like the rest of us and doesn't pretend to be above our petty, silly forms of entertainment. And I'm glad I did, because it's important to me that this was the song he ended on--a quiet reminder that there's good to be found on the internet, that it's not all bad, that parts of it can be life-saving.

Hymn: The Field: The show ends with the group closing out their meeting with another hymn. Paula tells everyone next week’s meeting will be somewhere else and that she’ll email the details. Velma says she isn’t sure if she’ll come back, and she’s told that it doesn’t matter—the same people don’t always come week to week, but Saul will make sure there are eight people in attendance. The hymn is a nice, sweet song about coming together beyond the fighting and ugliness to appreciate each other and the world.

So, yeah, overall, I enjoyed it. I really needed to sit and think about it for a little bit after first seeing it, and I think repeat listenings will find a lot more to enjoy about it. Like I said, there’s not so much a story or narrative to get lost in, but the individual songs hold up well in the loose framework of the show, and a lot of them are both catchy and thought-provoking in a very Malloy way. I’m glad I got to see it, and I’m interested to see where it goes from here, if anywhere.

[eldritchsurveys]

686.

Name 3 foods that you like that your mom doesn't. >> ---

What flavor was the last popsicle you ate? >> I can’t remember the last time I had a popsicle.

Do you like mango? >> I do. Dried mango is the only dried fruit I like, too.

What was the last thing you got falsely accused of? >> It’s been a while since I’ve been in the position to be falsely accused of anything.

What was the last thing you ordered online? >> CBD capsules.

Who was the last person you rode in a car with? >> Sparrow.

Have you ever been kicked out of a store? >> Yeah, back when I was a shoplifter.

Which major holiday is your birthday closest to? >> Memorial Day. Some years it’s the same day.

Do you use a sunlamp? >> I don’t. Too concentrated for me.

When was the last time you cleaned your room? >> It’s been a while since I did more than just vacuum and tidy. I’ll probably do a more thorough cleanout as spring approaches.

Do you feel like you accomplished anything today? >> I haven’t set out to accomplish anything, so no.

Do you drink tea every day? >> Not every day. I probably would if I could get myself to make it.

What does caffeine do to you? >> The amount of caffeine that is in a standard cup of coffee is liable to ruin my sleep that night (even if I drink it in the morning). I used to abuse the shit out of stimulants, which affected me normally at best back then, so at some point my tolerance kind of broke and now I’m pretty sensitive to any sort of stimulant. The level of caffeine that you’d find in, say, a cup of black tea is the best amount for me.

What's a drink you have been loving lately? >> Er... nothing in particular.

What was your favorite Starbucks drink last summer? >> I don’t drink Starbucks.

What is/was your favorite teen magazine? >> ---

What were you almost named? >> ---

What would your name be if you had been born the opposite gender? >> ---

Are you happy with your life right now? >> It’s fine.

Do you ever feel jealous of others? >> Sure.

When was the last time you had a fever? >> I don’t know. I doubt I’ve had a fever more than, like, once in my life.

Do you normally get fevers when you're sick? >> I don’t normally get sick, even.

Do you get the stomach flu every year? >> No. God, that’d be fucking awful.

Which symptom do you get more often when you're sick: fever or vomiting? >> ---

What color hair would you have if you were a cartoon character? >> White.

Use 5 words to describe your dream wedding. >> ---

Would other people describe you as creative? >> I’m sure someone might.

Do you trust all of your facebook friends? >> ---

Have you ever had a facebook friend betray you? a real-life friend betray you? >> I don’t really know what betrayal would look like for me.

What color are your slippers? >> Grey.

Would you rather paint or carve a pumpkin? >> I’d rather just leave a pumpkin alone.

What state do you want to visit next? >> ---

If you had to live in another country for a year, which country would it be? >> I don’t know enough about any country to know if I’d want to live there for a year.

Do you have moments you wish you could erase from your memory? >> Not really.

Are you haunted by memories of stupid things you've said and done? >> No.

Did you like high school or college better? >> ---

Who was your favorite Olsen twin? >> Are they really all that different from each other, lol...

Are you part Irish? >> No.

Do you ever listen to Celtic music? >> Sure, I’ve listened to it.

Do you wear slippers? >> I have a pair, as suggested by my answer about ten questions ago, but I don’t wear them that often. I like being barefoot or wearing socks at home best.

Which accent do you like best? >> ---

Tea or coffee? >> Tea.

What show did you want to be on when you were younger? >> I wanted to be on MTV’s Made when I was in high school.

Have you ever won a spelling bee? >> Yes. I’m not telling that story again right now.

Were you one of the smartest in your class? >> When I was elementary school, yes. That evened out by middle school, and then I dropped sharply behind in several subjects by high school.

Do you think it's unfair that people less intelligent than you make more money than you? >> I... what?

Do you know a lot of rich and spoiled and selfish people? >> No, I really don’t.

Are you still waiting for the guy/girl of your dreams? >> ---

Do you enjoy being single? >> I don’t know, I haven’t been single in a long time. I think the worst thing about being single for me wouldn’t be the lack of partner (I’m aromantic anyway) but the lack of a secondary income, because SSI is definitely not the kind of income one can live off of despite what the government insists.

Do you enjoy mornings? >> Sure.

Have you ever been to jail? >> No.

Have you ever feared going to jail or thought about what it would be like? >> Certainly.

Is the criminal justice system fair where you live? >> I’m convinced the fairness of the American justice system is proportionate to the social status of the person facing its judgement.

Is your country's government corrupt? >> Sure, corruption is present. I find it hard to believe that any government can exist without at least a smidge of corruption somewhere in it.

Do you ever meditate on Scripture and pray to God? >> No.

Which do you like better: your Chinese zodiac sign or regular zodiac sign? >> Western astrology is more resonant with me than Chinese astrology. In fairness, I don’t know a whole lot about Chinese astrology, either.

What are your zodiac signs (Chinese and regular)? >> Rabbit (iirc) and Gemini Sun.

Did you know that the zodiac signs (the regular ones) are Greek? >> I didn’t think much about it, but yeah, considering the names of the signs, that makes sense.

Have you ever learned about Greek mythology in school? >> Not in school. I learned about it independently because it interested me.

Did you enjoy literature? >> No.

What was your favorite book you had to read for school? >> The only one I recall enjoying was Their Eyes Were Watching God. I read it again recently and I still enjoyed it.

Do you stay up late? >> Not purposefully. Sometimes I just have trouble winding down. Like last night.

Will you let your kids have a youtube channel, do you think? >> ---

Have you ever owned a designer purse? >> No.

Do you like the taste of Tums? >> Like, I wouldn’t eat them for fun, but they’re not repulsive or anything.

[crystallized-shadow]

The Killer Meme

Tagged by @a-kid-named-hiro

[Me, Myself, I]

What is your philosophy/motto in life? Always try your best; you can’t always be the best but you can do your best.

How did you choose your User Name, and what does it reveal of your character? It’s my username from a different site and I really like it. I guess it could mean I’m the shiny thing in the dark?

What did you want to be “when you grew up” when you were younger? If your current job/plans are different, why did you change? I wanted to be Veterinarian when I was a kid but an allergy to dogs put a kibosh on that pretty quick.

What was the worst nightmare you have ever had? I usually don’t remember my dreams, but I can remember one where someone me shot in the back.

Tell the story behind one or more of your scars (physical, not emotional). I have several but the story is the same: I’m a fucking klutz.

What one thing would you like your great-great-grandchildren to know about you? What one thing would you NOT want them to know? I don’t intend to reproduce.

How do you learn (things-for-exams)? Re-reading notes and frantically cramming right before the exam (I do NOT recommend this method)

What was the cause of the worst physical pain you have ever been in? I slipped on the ice; over-extended two tendons, concussed a nerve, bruised my tailbone, and hurt my knee (I had to sit through 4 hours of classes before I could do anything about it, not fun)

Where do you live (a country is fine, just name a place)? USA

What is your biggest fear? Not living up to my own expectations

[Nostalgia Ain’t What It Used to Be]

What’s the coolest thing you’ve ever done? (Not the best, or the most accomplished, or the most life-altering, just the coolest). Gone tubing down the river

If you could change one event from your own personal history, what would it be and how would you change it? I let something very dear to me go, if I could change anything, I would never have made that decision

Describe the one thing you have learned in the course of your education, either inside school or outside of it, which you consider the most valuable. Actions speak louder than words, especially among people who are supposed to be your friends.

What memory would call up your personal Patronus spell? (in other words, what memory is your happiest or sweetest?) Any memory featuring my precious people happy

Describe the three best pairs of shoes that you’ve ever owned - favorites because of comfort, the way they look, the brand, any reason at all. Any shoes that I don’t have to tie are fucking amazing

[If I Ruled the World]

If you could have been born and grown up somewhere else, where would that have been? I liked where I grew up, so I wouldn’t change it

What would you demand in exchange for giving up your personal freedoms and civil liberties? Would never give them up

If there were no laws, which (former) crime would be the first you’d commit? I’d make all student loans disappear forever!

If you could do one thing or grant one wish for someone else, what would it be? I’d wish that those near and dear to my heart be happy for the rest of their lives

If you could know anything about your future, what would it be? If I’m happy with my life

Owing to a peculiar concatenation of events, you are the wealthiest person in the world, and the latter will end in 24 hours. Money being no object, and saving the world being impossible, what would you do during that last day? I’d make it the best day ever for everyone I care about. If we’re all going to die we might as well go out with a bang!

If you could hunt down one childhood tormentor (whether it be bully, tattletale, mean teacher, or friend’s mother who hated you for no good reason) and exact revenge upon them in some spectacular, prankish fashion without worry of consequences, who would you choose, and what would you do to him/her? That’s hard to say since karma has taken care of a few of these people. There is one person I’d love to slap in the back of the head for being incompetent when I got hurt, so I guess I’d do that.

If I offered you a chance to have anything you wanted, the cost being someone you didn’t know dies, would you accept? If I could stipulate the that person has to be a piece of shit that no one will miss, then hell yeah! Otherwise I’d have to give it some thought.

If you could have any one superpower, what would it be? Time travel

If you could punch any one person from any point in history, who would you pick? I have a list of people that deserve a good punch in the face

If you were given the opportunity to live another life, what kind of life would you like to have? I’d want a life where I could be happy and not have to worry about anyone hurting me or those close to me

If you could alter history in one specific place, where would it be, and why? Stopping someone close to me from ever dating the fucking whore who did nothing but fuck them over

Assuming you (or a group of friends) conquer Earth, which section(s) of the planet would you personally desire, and why? Somewhere quiet with good wi-fi so we could have a place to relax

If you could, with no repercussions, subject anyone you wanted to one day of utter and complete torture, who would you choose, why would you choose them, and what would you do to them? Conversely, if you could give anyone you wanted (other than yourself) one day of perfect happiness, who/why/what would you choose? The fucking whore I mentioned earlier, I would subject her to a day of torture, without hesitation.

It might be cliche, but my mom deserves the best fucking day ever so I would pick her.

[Media and Culture]

Hollywood called: they’re filming your life story. Who do you cast as yourself? I would just laugh and hang up the phone

They want to make your life into a Cartoon. Which graphic artist do you want to draw it? Not sure why anyone would want to do that, but I would pick @sinyaru or @artbythedarkside because I fucking love their art!

Your favourite Blackadder episode and why? ???

Movie adaptations of books - heinous, evil and always disappointing or perfectly acceptable? It really depends on the book and the actors they pick

What one song brings up the strongest emotion (negative or positive) for you? Hold Me Tight or Don’t by Fall Out Boy Killing Kind by Mariana’s Trench

If you had the choice to live in any fictional world, as in transposed into a book, which one would it be? Please explain why. Naruto, preferably during the Fonder’s Era because I want to me Madara and Tobirama! Also ninjas.

What is your favorite artwork (painting, sculpture, etching, whatever) and why? I can’t say I have a favorite piece, but personally I enjoy painting.

Name twelve songs for the soundtrack of your life. (In no particular order)

1. Boulevard of Broken Dreams (Green Day) 2. Stay Frosty Royal Milk Tea (Fall Out Boy) 3. THNKS FR TH MMRS (Fall Out Boy) 4. It’s My Life (Bon Jovi) 5. High Hopes (Panic! At the Disco) 6. Natural (Imagine Dragons) 7. Teenagers (My Chemical Romance) 8. Head Above Water (Avril Lavigne) 9. I Don’t Care (Fall Out Boy) 10. Numb (Linkin Park) 11. Victorious (Panic! At the Disco) 12. Get Out Alive (Three Days Grace)

If you could have only five cds, which would they be? No burned cds count - only ones you physically purchase in a store/online. (In no particular order)

1. Mania (Fall Out Boy) 2. Phantoms (Mariana’s Trench) 3. Save Rock and Roll (Fall Out Boy) 4. Them vs. You vs. Me (Finger 11) 5. Pray For The Wicked (Panic! At the Disco)

Batman or Superman? Loki

What fictional character do you most identify with and why? If I had to pick I would say maybe Tobirama Senju. I can come across as cold, will do odd things to satisfy curiosity, and my intentions can be misinterpreted by those that don’t know me.

[The Completely Hatstand Section]

True or false: pineapple on pizza is wrong. False.

If you were a color, what would you be and why? Black or red, they are my favorites.

If you could be an inanimate object, what would you be and why? A dictionary so no one would use me

Assuming reincarnation exists, who do you think you may have been in a past life? How would you like to come back in the next? The running joke in my family is I was a pirate in my past life because my alcohol of choice, when I drink, is rum. I’d like to come back as a cat so I can be lazy and knock shit over XD

If you were a weapon, what would you be and why? A katana because they are badass

Do you wear orange? Why/Why not? Not really, it’s just not a color I own a lot of.

If you could ask your deity of choice one question and have it answered, what would you ask? I’m honestly not sure, maybe what’s the secret to the universe?

True/False: Green buffalos come from Albania. (seriously, now.) Um, false?

[Fair Trades and Dilemmas]

If remaining a virgin (or abstaining from sex) for the rest of your life would allow you to do real magic, would you do it? Fuck yeah! Magic is fucking awesome!

How much money would it take for you to appear naked (full-frontal) for five seconds on national television? A fuck ton of money, like more money than currently exists; I am very self-conscious.

Would you rather be a complete idiot with a charming personality, or intellectually brilliant but have no friends? I’d rather be intellectually brilliant, because my true friends would still be my friends, regardless of how smart I am.

You can start any business of your choice, whether for-profit or non-profit, regardless of whether this business exists practically in the world or not and whether there’s an existing business model to make your chosen business work or not. Irrespective of what it is, it will start off moderately successfully and eventually become very successful. You will make a very satisfactory wage and your investors/sponsors will be very pleased with your work. What business would you start? Some online business that rivals Amazon.

Would you sacrifice an unknown portion of your life so that a loved one could live for one more year? Without a doubt

Tagging @theintellectualweeb @sinyaru @artbythedarkside and whoever else wants to do it

[willowlark369]

Let’s Talk about Programming

In particular, let’s talk about how a computer program is created. I’m going to keep it really, really, really basic. Why? Because I think a lot of people have missed something very, very, very important in Age of Ultron and I think this is a major part of that. So after the Keep Reading break, that’s what I’m going to explain, but first I have to list a bunch of stuff to try & stave off the trolls.

Warning: Information provided (and conclusions drawn from it) may not be considered friendly towards certain characters. This may be potentially upsetting to readers who are fans of those characters. If you feel like you/a character is being attacked, please remember that your emotional reaction is your own and I have no control over your internal landscape. I will also take this time to remind all readers that you are free to conclude whatever you wish from the provided information and that this freedom extends to ignoring it.

Sources: This information is derived from multiple textbooks, programming courses, language systems, and other similar real world sources that cost money to provide. I will not be providing itemized citations. This information also references events in the MCU, particularly AoU. You may review the canon if you have missed anything, but again, I will not be giving you a play by play upon demand.

Okay. Let’s dive in.

Point 01: What is a program?

In simplest terms, a program is a collection of protocols, heuristic algorithms, and hierarchies. Protocols are the rules for what the program does and how it operates. Hierarchies are simply the order in which things occur, and for both the protocols and the heuristic algorithms. Heuristic algorithms are how it organizes information and if/how it acquires new information.

Point 02: How does a program come into being?

Someone creates a set of protocols, heuristic algorithms, and hierarchies. Said person will likely either save the program (say, on a flashdrive), integrate into a device of some sort (say, a drone array), or install it on a computer. A (potentially) malicious person may send it out into the world to infect other people’s technological devices, like the worst case of hate mail one could ever imagine.

Point 03: What is the difference between artificial, natural, and constructive intelligence?

Natural Intelligence is naturally occurring. If it is living, it can be said to have natural intelligence, growing more complex as it heads towards sentience. Everyone argues where the line on sentience is, but most agree that humans have it.

Artificial Intelligence is a complex program that has limited learning capability and very linear reasoning due to the nature of hierarchical heuristics. They are capable of a vast array of things but eventually, an AI will reach the point where its heuristic algorithms are too complex to maintain processing speed and functionality. For this reason, heuristic algorithms are considered the greatest barrier between artificial and constructed intelligence.

Constructed Intelligence is similar to natural intelligence in every regard except one. It is, as its name implies, constructed rather than naturally occurring. It is just as capable of everything that something with natural intelligence is capable of, including several different definitions of sentience. In short, something with CI is a created lifeform, regardless of the materials and corporeal level of their form. (Just imagine the accusations of playing God that this event would garner from the average jo/e blow on the street.)

Point 04: What was Tony Stark & Bruce Banner doing?

In the MCU, Drs. Tony Stark and Bruce Banner had a program that they had stalled out on named Ultron. Upon studying the Sceptre (containing the Mind Stone, unbeknownst to either man), they discovered a very complex program with nearly organic heuristic algorithms. They believed (and with solid reasoning) that this program may hold the key to getting their stalled-out program up & running. There was just a few little hiccups with this idea.

They had a very limited timeframe to study the Sceptre’s program, as Thor had only given them permission to study the Sceptre (in its entirety) until his already scheduled departure. They hadn’t discovered the program until later.

They were literally looking at toeing if not jumping the AI/CI line. In case you missed the analogy, they were looking at an unknown lifeform (or near enough) and checking it over for better understanding in order to perfect/grow their own program.

They were still surrounded by teammates with only rudimentary understanding of how science worked, people completely reliant upon others to break a subject down to bullet points that focused not on why something worked but how it would work for them. They are not scientists, who will both understand a project and be able to give usable feedback. The lab is not their domain, which is fine. (Not everyone is capable of multi-fielding; in fact, most people can’t master multiple fields. It’s a known thing in the real world and why most people with multiple degrees tend to have them in related fields.)

Said teammates have the repeatedly demonstrated stance that they are permitted to put personal desires and feelings before the collective needs of the global community. These people are shown to be willing to obey orders without worrying about the potentially fatal (for others) consequences of them. They often act without thinking through the full ramifications of their decisions, even when making decisions which affect the lives and livelihoods of those claimed as allies.

With those points in mind, do you think the decision of what time-sensitive projects the scientific department works on should be left to anyone outside of the scientific department?

Point 05: What about Ultron?!

This is the question we’ve been building towards, dear readers. What about Ultron?

First off, let’s define exactly who we’re talking about? Because there’s two Ultrons in the movie and so things can get a little confusing, even for our heroes. The first is the creation of Tony Stark and Bruce Banner that they were struggling to get to functionality, Tony’s now infamous “suit of armor around the world” and the ideal bouncer for extraterrestrial threats. The second is the Sceptre’s program, the murder-bot whose ideas for world peace were as finite as they were final. You may recognize that one for their work with a certain pair of Hydra volunteers.

“But Magi, why do you think there’s two? Those are both the same program!”

Oh, but are they? Think about this, dear readers: when the Sceptre program comes online, JARVIS tells it a name and directs its attention towards “its” protocols, a course of action which the newly awakened entity does not do, choosing to access security footage and the internet instead. Instead of using the programming created by Drs. Tony Stark and Bruce Banner, it is already acting on its own, including formulating plans of escape and attack.

If it is does not access the Ultron programming (and thus does not follow that programming), can it be said to be the creation of the individuals who created the Ultron programming? I’ll even go you one better: if it existed within the Sceptre prior to it coming into the possession of an individual, can it still be said to be created by said individual?

“But, but Tony Stark unleashed it, at the very least, right?”

You’re reaching now. His lab was shut down when the program from the Sceptre decided to become active. This is shown as all active projects being suspended and the tech put into either sleep mode or turned off (the equipment darkened upon the order). The only thing active in the space was the omnipresent JARVIS, who was murdered for that presence. The Sceptre program activated on its own, choosing its own time to do so and then killing the “guard” in order to escape.

How exactly is following all lab safety protocols and them unexpectedly not being enough unleashing the entity that adopted the name Ultron?

Final Point: Summation

Tony Stark did not create Ultron. He did not activate Ultron. Regardless of finger-pointing and prioritizing people’s lives over arguing fault, Tony Stark is not responsible for Ultron.

Thank you for coming to my TED talk.

Edit Notes: (10/17/2018: fixed a few typos that had made it through the editing process)

[icequeen-shiva]

what i need to say to you, as a fat girl.

i’m going to put it under a cut, not because i’m embarrassed but because i know i’m going to get longwinded and i know some people won’t appreciate a gigantic, lengthy post clogging up their dash. and i get that! that’s me sometimes too. it’s cool, fam. it’s... it’s a damn novel. i’m not going to lie. i’m sorry it got so long. there’s a lot of history. but i don’t know how else to make it so clear and understandable without going deep. everything in here is exactly what i want known. so... yeah, it’s long.

i just had my yearly gynecological appoint a week ago. she stressed to me that she couldn't be happier with me, even with my weight. my blood work was, she called it, wonderful. my levels are good! i’m not even close enough to pre-diabetic that she felt a need to caution me. i’m healthy, according to my blood, she said. keep doing what i’m doing, she said, based on science and my blood, not my stomach, where all my weight seems to go. i am blessed that my doctor is kind. she knows that i, and others like me, am doing the best i can to find more healthy and nutritional things that work for me (and while i won’t go into it here, i will say that i have a fucked up home life that doesn’t make it easy). she knows pcos is fighting me every step of the way on losing weight. but she is proud of me and supports me and when she wants to talk about my weight, that is how she addresses it: with positive suggestions, not shaming me, not guilting me into feeling like i’ve done this wrong and disappointed everyone.

yes, i could exercise more. i’m not in shape, but the tests come back that, overall, i’m healthy, but that doesn’t seem to matter, because i’m still fat.

it shouldn’t be this hard to write. i shouldn’t be crying while i write this, but it’s been beaten into me (not literally) since i was a child that i’m not worth it if i’m fat. i went from kindergarten through eighth grade to a very small school (at its largest while i went there, my class had 36 people total) and i lived on the very edge of the district. if a friend wanted to do anything, we had to coordinate with our parents who was going where, whose parents were driving and what time would we get together, what time would someone need picked up, etc. and i was fat. i’ve been overweight since the day i was born, coming out at 10 pounds. i wasn’t into sports, which was absolutely what this school put almost all of its focus on. i was into art, which was the last thing this school put its focus on. i was quiet, i didn’t live in town, i didn’t want to play kickball or basketball at recess, i wanted to sit on the swings and draw. i was the weird kid, and i also happened to be the fat kid in my grade. the only fat kid. so i was an undesirable, and i just... got used to it. i will never forget how sick i felt in seventh grade, in the girls’ locker room after gym one day, when one of the thinnest girls was almost crying about her reflection and how fat she looked. i felt terrible for her, because if she really believed that then that girl needed help, but i also felt absolutely sick and knew i wanted to be annnywhere else but that school with these girls. i was lucky enough that my mom finally agreed to let me go to the school just a hop over the district line for high school. i met the best friend i’ve ever had in my whole life. i met other fat kids. i won the art club scholarship when i was a senior. my entire social existence was not predicated on “she doesn’t live here, she’s an oddball, and she’s fat” for the first fucking time.

but i was still fat in high school, and still pretty weird, i won’t lie, so i was still not the girl asked to any dances. i was never invited to any parties. i’m lucky that i wasn’t bullied for my fatness. a couple underclassmen punks behind me in the hallway tried one time, but at this point, i had perfected my glare and intimidation voice, so when i stopped, turned around, glared, and dared them to say that one more time, they didn’t. i was picked on for my goth aesthetic more than i was my weight, and that was fine. it wasn’t my weight, so i could live with it. i had my friends, i had my art classes, i had english and history where the teachers loved me and how good i was at these subjects. but i never had a date. i never had a first kiss. i never had any of this. i was fat, and i was weird. i’m not blaming it all on my physical appearance. everyone is embarrassingly weird as a teenager, i think, and if you weren’t then you’re lying.

for varying reasons, i didn’t get to go away for college. i went where my parents demanded i go, to a community branch of ohio state, with looming promises of “oh, you can transfer to columbus in a year or two, it’ll be fine” that ended up never happening. it was just like high school all over again. it was so small, and so limited, and so full of the same kind of people i’d been with the last four years already. i was still the fat weird girl. i grew into both of these. i learned to carry them each much better, i started taking theatre classes and auditioning for the plays, i even got the fucking lead in a one season. i was antigone, and i was, for the first time, excited about myself.

it didn’t last, though. the theater kids were, contrary to how they’re depicted so often and what other people’s stories have been, mean. so i left it. i never acted on that campus again. and it hurt like a motherfucker when i reminded myself that i gave up like that. but it was easier to do that. it was easier to take myself out of the spotlight than it was to constantly fight and defend my right to have it just like anyone else. now... there’s a lot of other issues in my life, that i’m not willing to address right now. all of my friends moved a few hours away from me. i’m not exaggerating, though i wish i was. i never ended up leaving. i dropped out of college when my depression was spiraling out of control and i wasn’t reeeeally functioning at all. i still live at home, in this close-minded, rural, midwestern place, because i’m terrified of leaving my mother with her depression that’s much worse than mine has ever been and i have no one in this area at all that i trust enough to be roommates with, and i can’t afford living on my own without that crutch. that’s as far as i’m willing to go. but this-- leaving acting, that i had loved so much-- was really a tipping point into the depression i have struggled with for almost my entire adult life.

and that depression and continued social rejection has really drummed in further i am fat. i have no hope of anyone ever thinking i’m beautiful. no one will ever really be attracted to me. i can fix my face with makeup but i cannot hide my gut, and that will repulse them.

i’m 28 years old and still-- fucking still-- the only time i’ve ever been shown romantic interest, was a joke. the only time someone has ever given me their phone number was a goddamn joke. it was at a restaurant, where i wasn’t afraid to order what i wanted and enjoy eating it, and i probably looked like a pig. i like food. we kind of need it to survive, and if i’m going to a restaurant with my friends, i’m going to get what i want, what sounds good, and enjoy myself with my friends, not get only a small salad because i have to watch my weight and i have to look like the meek, ashamed fat girl who’s trying to do better. i don’t have to look like anything, for anyone. but for a long time after i realized that number was a joke, i stopped doing all of that. i’d barely eat when we went out. i’d cry about it in the bathroom. i’d cry about it in bed. i cried a lot. and i hated myself. i’ve somehow managed to mostly overcome that. but it’s been hard, and let me repeat: i can only say mostly.

so what i really, really need you to know, and this is directed to the tickle community more than it is anyone else right now... this is why, if/when i get suddenly upset about belly tickles; if/when i get very quiet and withdrawn, when my dash is flooded with “ideal” bodies with their cute bellies getting tickled; if/when i get very feet-centric again because, after over a decade of navigating through my kink preferences and finding a place in this community, i’ve convinced myself over and over again that “if you keep it focused on your feet, they won’t notice that you’re fat.” which is ridiculous because in online play, nobody has to know that if i don’t say anything. but i will know. i will always know, when i present myself in rp as some small, cute, only a little bit chubby girl, that i’m lying.

it’s so hard being fat in such a physical kink. so fucking hard. even the plus size girls in the videos don’t look like me. it’s incredibly appreciated, don’t get me wrong, and it’s... it’s not even that i’m ~so big. i don’t look as heavy as i am. i’ve been accused of looking for attention and saying i’m heavier than i really am, when i try to be honest about how much the scale says (which honestly just makes me incredibly paranoid that maybe i have some giant cyst(s) on my ovaries that’s distending everything and heavy af with a bunch of fluid and crap, as is the hallmark symptom of polycystic ovarian syndrome, but that’s another essay). but it’s heavy enough to bother me. and that just gets problematic, because it’s not right of me to think “well, at least i’m not that size,” because the girl that size is having the same struggles as i am, probably. 

there’s literally one person i’ve ever spoken to that has told me, and i believe truthfully, they think i’m cute and that i’m worth it. and they live in england, thousands of miles away. and he wasn’t a “chubby chaser,” and i truly believe he wasn’t saying it out of pity. he meant it. but he’s the definition of unattainable.

i need you to understand that you need to be patient with me, if we’re really going to play, because the hardest thing i can do is accept that you don’t think i’m disgusting. because at the end of the day, i can be as confident in my personality and my intelligence and my skills as possible, but i will still look down at my stomach, hanging over the waistband of my pj shorts, and i will still think this is disgusting and it’s no wonder i’m alone.

[horne77kearney-blog]

5 Technician Phobias You Certainly never Knew Existed.

This graphic likeness from a self-destruction battle belongs to a program launched previously this week by USA Department of Defense that seeks to provide soldiers a place to anonymously learn more about the indicators of post distressing worry disorder and also its own therapy within a virtual planet. navigate to this website , a psycho therapist which deals with combat professionals as the suicide avoidance organizer at the Southeast Louisiana Veterans Healthcare System in Baton Rouge, Louisiana, stated it is actually possibly not well-balanced for people to repetitively become pre-owned witnesses to terrible activities, particularly if they're extra vulnerable or even delicate to the material they're watching.

If you like captions with your video clips in comparison to go with TED +SUB: TED Talks along with Subtitles; while that is actually an other app and format, this has fair customer reviews. That model appears to become benefiting Lumosity, which said it gained $24 million in profits in 2015 But I'm curious to find whether individuals have an equally solid hunger for a psychological human brain training course based on such a brand new science (although beneficial psychological science programs are in make use of by the US Soldiers ). Only put that tripod and electronic camera in the living room, specified a daily timer and obtain after that. A lot of our team aren't motivated however-- not for this type of venture anyways-- so we simply enjoy the online videos on YouTube and also think about how calm down will be to earn one of our own. You can, nevertheless, reveal charts through e-mail, which at least permits consumers to map out vacations earlier on the additional roomy ipad tablet, after that open them on the apple iphone before going out. They are coordinated, well-maintained, they possess additional materials, their publications are actually organized. Examine your body, explicitly specify your standards and also change up until this is actually fine-tuned. Earlier, Dr. Vranich was the Director from Public Education and learning at the Mental Wellness Association from NYC and also an expert at the National Mental Health Association in Washington, DC. She has actually worked as the director of a hospital facility at Jacobi Medical center Facility, as a college psychologist in the South Bronx, and also with parolees as well as their family members as component of the Brooklyn Aids Task Force. If you're interested in making some extra income, Industry Representative is actually certainly worth taking a look at. 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If you alter your mind in the future and wish to withdraw your donor sign up, you can do so on your Clinical ID card. KM: Our team do at the very least a moderate research study from psychological science as our experts make brand-new devices for our activities. If one person experiencing off message upsetting anxiety disorder learns even a little bit extra concerning just what they're enduring from then this online practice is an effectiveness, I 'd say that. Then after being a distance runner for 3 years, that's when I completed my very first fifty percent endurance, in September 2011 at the Hamptons Half-Marathon in East Hampton, N.Y. This had not been up until I decided that I was going to know and also come to be a distance runner to adore one thing I detested that's when whatever transformed. It is going to have so much more in comparison to this, having said that, for the occupation from psychology to recover its own ethical credibility. In one study through Kate Garland, a psychology lecturer at the Educational institution of Leicester in England, participants received a crash course in economics-a subject no person comprehended. The researchers mentioned in a news release that the MIND diet regimen is less complicated to follow compared to the full Mediterranean diet, which demands daily fish intake and also several portions of vegetables and also fruits. Right now I aim to address myself" to operates and also TV programs and Barbeques with good friends and publications that make my mind twist in manner ins which function does not. Baseding on sporting activities psychologist DOCTOR JoAnn Dahlkoetter, that functions frequently along with Olympic sportsmens (and along with a technologist, go figure, preparing to accomplish a deca-Ironman occasion ), technologists are actually attracted to such arduous physical feats due to the fact that they may not be truly used to doing typical points. You can touch on Navigate to Geocache" to become needed to the chart as well as compass view and you could visit Add to Saved List" to download all the relevant information to discover the geocache while offline. With that heritage in thoughts as well as the winter months upon our company, I was really thrilled to try Freeze It, a term game that reminds me from games like Boggle-- yet this is actually been produced the ground for apple iphone. Without hunt functionality, it can be difficult to find the one essential telephone number or even contact title stashed within a huge mind chart.

[finsterhund]

things are dark empty and grim but I hold on

three weeks as of two days ago.

get paid in two weeks. there’s things I want to buy. Is that progress or is that just how I only know how to self soothe. IDK

this is how I tell time

Apparently it is very common for teeth, particularly big long canine teeth which is what the vet gave me of Cazza’s, to crack when they eventually dry out. And this happened. I am so fucking upset by this and no amount of “experts” on the subject of preserving skulls and teeth explaining how common this is or even outright inevitable/unavoidable is ever going to stop me from being distraught about it. As I write this her tooth is still in one piece and it is a thin superficial crack that goes all the way up and back around the enamel part of the tooth. Sickening. The only real way to repair a tooth when this happens is wait for it to finish cracking then glue it. Man.

This is my last unaltered piece of her other than fur and nail clips and even it isn’t safe from time and degradation. I hate existence and how it’s just a futile progression to obsolescence deterioration and death.

I try to move forward but things like this make that impossible. I wish I could kill myself. I wish I felt more suicidal than I do right now. I wish I wasn’t fucking scared of it.

I finally disassembled and put away Cazza’s tent. I had it in my bedroom for the past couple weeks because roommate didn’t want it in the living room anymore but it was severely impacting airflow in my bedroom and making me sad. It was always meant to stay in the living room. I know this. Cazza’s second bed from the living room was easy enough to find a place for in my bedroom but not her tent.

We are getting a home visit with “Scott” tomorrow. Part of me likes this part of me is upset by this. I already know roommate will be having me buy all of his things, and I don’t want to use Cazza’s harness or leash which is typical but I’d rather skin my own foot than have a dog go without supplies under my care so I will buy. Of course.

Rob and the Eggware family have been my pillars of support, as always. Rob sends me cards and each one makes me cry and I put them in the Cazza shrine. Hoping I’ll feel up to giving Scott the treats he sent intended for Cazza.

Will is moving and I am excited(?) or just really wanting him to get to his new home because he deserves it and also maybe this will allow us to get back to doing more stuff together. Whatever we can get up to online.

I want to send Will a present. I don’t know how to ship things really so I’ll probably wait on the things I physically have and ebay him something.

I need to get one of my US friends to help with US only shipping for some fine additions to my collection of Cazza collars because there’s two on a certain site but they only ship to the US. I’m thinking about building a little hanging display for one of every size of collar. Going to try to find an additional medium collar because Cazza’s collar is a large and is a bit too big for the cuddle clone.

Today I got a call from the vet which surprised me and the receptionist actually asked “how are you” which I mean I’m able to sleep and eat I guess.

But turns out Cazza’s little blankey wasn’t cremated with her and they did have it. Don’t know why they didn’t give it back with her tooth and ashes but oh well. So I picked it up and it still had her scent and little patches of drool and I just smelled it and held it close and cried and cried. I was also able to add Scott to Cazza’s file. My file now I guess. So that means he will have access to checkups finally. Finding out he only ever got a checkup prior to his current owners adopting him was very not good and I’m glad I’m so depressed and out of it because I may have shown anger about that.

I had gotten a second of Cazza’s blankey already. That now belongs to the cuddle clone along with a mini mr penguin who has holes in him.

The closest I’ve come to feeling any sort of happiness is getting manic about my favourite Star Wars youtube poops. Prequel memes particularly. Every video where they compile Obi Wan getting hurt over and over and over again is a treasure.

I just miss Cazza. I miss her so fucking much and I can’t fucking stand it.

Hugging the cuddle clone and petting the cuddle clone and talking to the cuddle clone is the only thing that I can physically do right now.

Don’t want to do tomorrow.

Wish I could retreat into art but I’m defeated and it’s too hot. This will be the first year in I think three where I’m not doing artfight. It feels like shit to miss out but I just can’t.

Cazza’s tooth cracking was extremely demoralizing and I don’t know how I’m going to fare tonight.

Tomorrow we’re taking Scott to the pet store to buy him a leash and harness that should be a good thing but I’m just :(

Remembering when we did that with Cazza.

Everything reminds me of Cazza

I want Cazza