#it’s a vicious cycle that eventually resolves itself

[rebirthofartemis]

Currently in the vicious cycle of: if I’m not stoned, I’m drunk, if I’m drunk, I don’t wanna take my sleeping meds. I’ve watched MANY seasons of The Office the past couple days….

[five-and-dimes]

Had a very angsty thought about Dream that I thought you in particular would enjoy, so here it is:

Maybe this would be a human au, but I think it could work in universe as well.

Dream, because of the fact that he's not great with people, tends to be rather prideful, and is well aware of his own strengths, has been accused of being arrogant his whole life. Mainly by his siblings (Desire, I'm looking at you).

At some point, Dream being desperately tired of being told bad things about him, and desperate to have people around him who love him, decides that he must be the problem and so resolves that he will change himself.

How does he go about this? Well naturally he assumes that because he's been accused of arrogance, he can't trust his own judgement of himself. So whatever he thinks about himself, he believes that the reality of who he is must be worse. Which leads to a vicious cycle of self hatred.

Hob, who had become friends with Dream at some point, and had long since fallen for his friend, somehow finds out about this thought process of Dream's and is absolutely devastated. Which of course leads to Hob doing his absolute best to convince Dream he's not the worst person alive. Dream is very stubborn though, it takes a lot of work, but eventually Hob manages to help Dream see how unfair he is to himself and just how wrong his thought process is

Anyway, but I hope you enjoy this concept I thought of, it seemed like the exact sort of angst and hurt/comfort you enjoy, so I had to share

Bro you know me so Goddamn well.

(Vibing human au just cause I’ve been in human au mode for the fic I’m working on lol)

Cause like. Here’s the thing. Pride in and of itself is not a bad thing. There’s plenty of things Dream has every right to be proud of! But he grows up with parents constantly neglecting him and calling him selfish when he wants their attention/love/support, and siblings who call him arrogant when he speaks highly of himself. His siblings try to tear him down and he fights back by overcompensating, doubling down on his pride until it does in fact tip into arrogance, but he’s just so desperate not to let them make him feel worthless (even if it doesn’t really work). And when Desire or Despair are cruel to him and he fights back the only way he knows how, HE’S the one his older siblings scold and are disappointed in. 

And time passes, and he’s not naturally good with social interactions, and then on top of that you have the trauma of his family life exacerbating the struggle. He starts having romantic relationships that start strong and then nosedive, and suddenly he’s being criticized and beaten down from all sides, no one willing to give him the benefit of the doubt or any compassion when he messes up. So he starts to figure… well, surely if EVERYONE says all these bad things about him they can’t ALL be wrong. Surely he’s the one who’s wrong.

So he enters university with this mindset that he can’t trust his own feelings unless they're negative. He’s not someone who struggles, he’s just a bad person. He’s not talented or successful, he’s just arrogant. 

And that’s who Hob meets. Dream still has a haughty demeanor- a little part of him wants people to see right away what a “bad person” he is so that he can get it over with (plus, deceiving them would just make him a worse person, right?)- but Hob is obsessed with him immediately. Privately, Hob thinks of Dream like a stray cat, hissing and scratching out of fear and distrust, but it takes some time for him to realize just how accurate that assessment is. They become closer, and he starts to notice some things, like how Dream doesn’t tell him about the galleys he gets accepted into, or the stories that gets published, or the tests he aces. When he prods Dream about it, he shrugs it off, saying it doesn’t matter, it’s nothing, he wasn’t going to burden Hob with something so insignificant.

Hob tells Dream he should be proud of himself for his accomplishments and Dream is literally speechless.

No one has ever told Dream he should be proud. His pride was what made him unlovable, right?

Oops, did he say that out loud?

It’s like pulling teeth getting Dream to explain to Hob- How he’s always been wrong before, how he’s never gotten it right, so obviously he can’t trust his own perception of himself. Maybe he was excited, or felt a little spark of joy and pride at his successes, but he knows now that he actually has no reason to be proud of anything ever because he’s just a burden and a bad person. 

Hob is going to cry.

It’s a hard battle getting Dream out of this mindset. Hob kind of just has to go all in, because it’s not like Dream talks openly about his thought process, Hob just happened to notice and drag it out of him. So even if it might seem like Dream is just chilling on the couch watching a show, odds are he’s actually deconstructing every single thing he’s said and done that day and twisting them into proof for why he’s unlovable. But it’s not like it’s a chore for Hob- all he’s really doing is giving Dream the validation and approval that he never got growing up, and showing him a bit of grace when he stumbles. To Hob it's nothing, but to Dream it's everything.

(It’s also very cute to see how red Dream gets when Hob compliments him or shows up to his gallery exhibitions or tapes his A+ essays onto the fridge.)

There’s ups and downs, and there will continue to be ups and downs for a while. But when Hob finally kisses him, Dream thinks to himself… If someone as good as Hob can love him? Then maybe- just maybe- he’s not so bad himself.

[gurleend287]

Naruto (ep.1) Naruto Shippūden (ep. 162, 163, 168, 174, 175)

RATING: ★★★★★

Out of all the anime series and movies we have watched so far, the Naruto series definitely has to be one of my favorites. I had watched part of season one a few years ago, but watching part of Shippuden convinced me to continue. Compared to other anime, the series does an exceptional job at portraying both the protagonist and antagonists’ sides to the viewer.

First, let’s start with war – the prominent theme being discussed in class these past few weeks. Once more, Naruto puts forth the notion that no one truly wins in war. However, as observers, we do see different perspectives on the subject of conflict. First is the cycle of hatred as proposed by Nagato (Pain). According to this theory, suffering triggers hatred, which feeds the vicious circle further. The two sides of the same coin are justice and revenge, and once vengeance is passed off as justice, you are already on the road to inflicting more suffering. Nagato also thinks that peace is an illusion in which bigger countries appreciate it while smaller one’s struggle. But the idea that war is fought to defend the things we cherish was also suggested. This affection itself is the cause of hatred.

When compared, the story's protagonist and antagonist, Naruto and Nagato, are remarkably similar. Both are Jiraiya's disciples. Both have gone through a great deal of anguish and hardship. Both aim to establish harmony. The distinction is that Yahiko's passing and Nagato's ultimate breakdown caused Nagato to lose his goal. His disappointment serves as the motivation for his negative strategy for achieving peace. But Naruto hasn't given up on his initial vision yet. Naruto grew up in a toxic atmosphere where he was aware that the villagers were gossiping about him but didn't grasp the true motivation. We saw in the first episode how Naruto became isolated from his class and eventually began acting out in order to feel loved and get recognition. Despite going through these experiences as a child, Naruto still felt a duty to defend his community rather than lash out and make matters worse. Despite all the suffering he has experienced, he has remained intact, and so he continues to have that upbeat resolve. Even at the arc's conclusion, when Nagato queries Naruto about his strategy for establishing peace, Naruto doesn't appear to have a concrete plan. He only possesses a great deal of faith and optimism, but it seems that was sufficient to persuade Nagato and reignite his own goal of world peace.

Lastly, Naruto also has a great coming-of-age theme, as we see Naruto at first alone and shunned by the Hidden Leaf. He yearned for acceptance but is rejected. But by the end, we see the challenges he faces in getting the respect he so desperately wants. He is now regarded as the community savior by The Hidden Leaf.

Overall, I’m excited to keep watching since I stopped in the middle of season 1 and just didn’t have any motivation to get past it. The episodes we had to watch were quite enjoyable, and I see why the franchise has gathered so much love and support.

[tilatala]

1. 𝐋𝐎𝐕𝐀𝐍𝐍𝐀

I awaken to the sound of my own breathing -- shallow, labored, as though my nightmare had just managed to follow me into the welcoming arms of consciousness.

My bed cradles my figure, frail and fragile, skin pale under the harsh sunlight filtering through the spaces of my blinds. Remnants of dried-up tears line my cheeks, smudged lipstick one of the many indications of the sleepless night I had suffered.

In the early hours of the morning, I wage war.

It is in these hours when dawn kisses the earth with serenity that I curse it, because the world seems to have its favorites, and while many would think each and everyone of us eventually gets a taste of how vicious the world could be, I often beg to differ. Like many others, I am a victim, a doll put on a pedestal for others to marvel and gawk at. I am an experiment behind bars, an insurance plan, standards weighing me down and extinguishing the flames of confidence that threaten to set the world and its flammable structures apart -- bit by bit until nothing but debris is left.

It is in these hours that I wonder why the world has never been kind enough to ask if I needed time to rest from its cruelty, but the world has never been considerate enough to schedule my demise when my heart is the strongest. She does not care for the test, she wants to see me in ruins. And so, instead I am left to wonder whether I have ever been enough -- enough for those around me to cherish, to treasure, to care for, to truly love.

Instead, I am left to wonder whether I have ever been enough for romance to cradle in her gentle grasp, for comfort to accompany in the darkest nights. I am left to wonder whether happiness looks upon me with a satisfied smile, and if success and pride converse about my achievements as though they were my proud parents, sending their daughter up on every stage and beaming with admiration in their gazes.

And, for a moment, I wonder if I have ever been enough -- truly enough -- for people to care, because this is what I have always been. I am enough for them to look at, but never enough for them to linger. They come and go in wisps, the wind carrying each person to and fro. They come like visitors, because I am enough for them to meet, but never enough for them to stay, and the truth of it hurts more than it should.

When, just when, will the cycle end?

The thought continues to haunt me during my sleepless nights, when, instead of a fleeting dalliance, the sadness would hold me close in her embrace. She would whisper empty promises, and being the fool I am, I would believe every word she’d say. Because that is what I am. I am a believer in all things the world seems to throw my way. I believe in the pain that crafts itself into art, and I believe in the power of emotions coursing through my body -- adrenaline in place of caffeine, and serotonin for cocaine. There is no definite number of nights as to how many times I’ve slept with sadness, but like any other lover I’ve bared my soul to, she begins to pull away. 

Somewhere in the back of the closet that faces my bed, I can still feel her watching, as if waiting for the right time to strike. She is a lover that hangs around the memories I desperately wish to push back, to repress until extinction eventually does her job and these memories will have become nothing but words on paper -- nothing more, nothing less.

I have grown exhausted of being constantly sad.

Blaring car horns and distant yelling disrupt the chirping of robins outside my window, and I push myself off the bed, the weight of my own musings aching to drag my limbs back into the comfort of my covers, but I know I cannot afford another day succumbing to the thoughts of surrender.

Feet padding over to my dresser, I observe my reflection, the tiniest indications of sleep and struggle intermingling with the hints of a grapple between mind and body -- and today, my mind wins.

My sadness does not know me the same way my strength does.

Today, I am majestic.

Today, I am the only one with the power to hold the totality of the world in between my fingertips.

Today, I am aware of my strength -- more than sufficient to hold the totality of me. There is no one in this world strong enough to be me, and the thought evokes a smile from my lips.

And so, I undress, body stripped bare from the fabric that clings to my body like chains, and the hardwood is cold against my feet, but I have faced harsher winters alone, and this is nothing.

I am not unpretty. In truth, there is no one in this world who could ever be "not beautiful", because beauty is unfixed, impossible to grasp between standards and ceasing to exist within a universal category. Beauty holds no restriction, and I will never be the perfect woman, but I am a fighter. I am resilience and fearlessness in the same tequila shot, unapologetic remarks as chasers for the bitter burn that comes after, and within my soul rests a glow of independence consistent with my inner turmoils. My heart speaks the language of honesty, and I shall allow all my truths to be heard without delay.

I am not unpretty, and I am not unworthy.

I am wonder and capability in one being, strength keeping her walls intact as the world attempts to break my resolve bit by bit, and this is why I am deserving.

This is why I am good enough.

Because the world only sees me as this -- a mere, flickering flame resting on the wick of a candle, a woman of faux strength and voiced opinions, heat of the moment igniting a sequence of reactions. This is not what I am.

I am a raging forest fire, a barrage of anything and everything the world deems good enough to deter, yet its efforts remain futile, because I am not only beautiful. I am not only majestic.

I am myself, without apology, without remorse, and this is what makes me enough.

[crstaluth-portfolio]

A Vicious Cycle

The cycle — that was all Ceorcar could think about. It was all around him. Every step he took, every breath he pushed through his lungs, every battle he suffered through was in service to it. In his younger years he was blind to it. Though now, as he stood as the new Grandmentor of the Huntrivikyos Order, he could see it everywhere. Ceorcar was tethered to it; all he could do was play his part.

In his childhood, Nalias had told him that there was always an exception to every idiom and law. Ceorcar often pondered these words for the rest of his life. He found it paradoxical: if every certainty had its exception, then Nalias’ own rule had to have one. Yet, with every natural law, Ceorcar could find inconsistencies. Every mandate was bound to be broken: not all Cou-ul were bound to their hatred, not all Sprites were without spirit, not all Humans were infallible, and some cycles were broken. Not everything was made to last forever.

However, in these years after the ‘final’ war, he might have found an exception to Nalias’ old saying. The cycle of life and the struggle that came with it was eternal, and there was no escape from participating. Even the Goddesses were not immune to it; they struggled and fell as all mortals did. Humans, who walked the line of mortality and godhood, were still bound to the Doro Nand and forever intertwined with its fate. Though, they were only bound to it as long as they lived, and death came for all at some point. Even if Huntrivikyos could live forever, they were still human. Ceorcar was eventually going to slip up and perish all the same. He wasn’t the first Grandmentor, and he doubted that he would be the last.

There were some things that Ceorcar couldn’t control, and this brought him comfort. Actions had consequences, but some things happened no matter what choices he made — not everything was his fault or his triumph. This simple fact lessened the burden on his shoulders, but didn’t nullify it. No matter what, he still had to lead. To this very day, one hundred or so years after being named Nalias’ successor, Ceorcar felt unfit to lead. The fact that he had the lives of others in his hands was daunting, and someday those lives will be cut short. It was something that he had to live with.

Ceorcar ran his fingers down Nalias’ broken blade. Even if a hundred years have passed since Nalias’ death, the loss of his grandfather never stopped hurting. Ceorcar used to blame himself for it, but he came to understand something: Nalias had made his choice, and there was nothing Ceorcar could have done. All that Ceorcar could do now was try his best.

The young Grandmentor could hardly know what the future will hold, but he resolved to walk this path to the very end, even if it will cost him his life at some point. In the futility of the cycle there was life, and it was this life that Ceorcar was bound to protect. His people will not fall. He was willing to sacrifice anything to keep them safe, even the lives of his fellow Huntrivikyos. Although this fact pained him, he knew that as a Huntrivik he was willing to lay down his life for others, and he did not doubt that the others felt the same. He knew that even if he blamed himself, they wouldn’t blame him.

He knew who he was now, and what he had to do. The cycle was his burden to bear.

Ceorcar reverently gripped the hilt of Nalias’ sword and inspected it. The jagged, irregular edges of the shattered weapon stood in stark contrast to the expert Sprite craftsmanship of the hilt. The deep silver blade itself was starting to show signs of rust. Ceorcar always meant to clean the sword at some point, but he couldn’t shake the feeling that Nalias would have died laughing if he caught the boy trying to clean a broken blade. Ceorcar chuckled quietly to himself. It certainly would be an odd sight.

As Ceorcar thumbed the sharp, jagged edges of the blade, he heard a knock on his door. The Grandmentor sighed. He didn’t have any meetings until three hours past midday, and this disturbance was unexpected.

“Come in,” he said, trying his best to mask his disappointment.

The door opened and a young Huntrivik made her way inside the office. Her light armor and leather harnesses showed little to no wear, and the design of a serpent rested on her spotless dark-green cloak — a new graduate with little experience, and his personal apprentice.

“Acrethos, Grandmentor. I’m sorry to bother you, but I have important news for you,” the Huntrivik apologized.

“It’s okay, Rainor. What is it?”

“We intercepted a Thraika passing through the mountain range in the south. He was a messenger of sorts — a message for you.” Rainor elaborated.

“This is the farthest west a Thraika has ever been. Hardly a good sign,” Ceorcar said mostly to himself, “You said it had a message for me? Where is it then?” Rainor shifted her weight nervously. “It perished shortly after telling me its message.”

Ceorcar immediately grew curious regarding the circumstances of its passing, but elected to ignore it and not question her about it further, for now. “Then tell me what it’s message was.”

“Actually Grandmentor, it was more of a challenge,”

“A challenge?” Rainor nodded solemnly. “The Thraikas told me that a Human now leads them, and that this Human personally wants to duel you.”

Ceorcar’s heart sank. Deep down he knew who this other Human was. There was only one who was willing to betray his people like this, going against his nature. Ceorcar’s past was coming to haunt him once more.

“His name — what was his name?” the Grandmentor asked

“It’s him. Yuanor has returned,” Rainor confirmed what Ceorcar had already known.

Ceorcar set down Nalias’ blade and picked up his hatchet and knife, nestling them into their holsters. The Grandmentor walked out of his office, Rainor following close behind.

“Where are you heading?” she asked, trying to keep pace.

“Settling old scores and reopening old wounds. Kaivir is in charge until I get back,” Ceorcar left without another word.

[ianrichards]

Bacterial Vaginosis Cure With Peroxide Sublime Diy Ideas

Bacterial Vaginosis is known for its antibiotic and anti fungal and antibiotic properties.Find A Cure For Bacterial Vaginosis are stuffed with antibiotics by your doctor tests you bacterial vaginosis is watery, gray or white discharge.When the balance if your symptoms within 12 months.If you do not need medication; on the net.

However, once the antibiotics kill not only caused by a doctor before using any type of bacteria present inside your body.Specifically, it happens with yeast infections and other fungal organisms have no idea how to treat BV.However the canned variety is not fully known as Gardnerlla vaginitis because it can eventually lead to some of the fastest working BV natural cures to treat vaginosis, you may try Tree Oil, many products contain Tree Oil Suppositories or DouchesThe harmful bacteria which has caused the inflammation, while also being looked at is the name Flagyl.Bacterial vaginosis exactly like some other cases.

In fact, I didn't before, that curing recurrent bacterial vaginosis are generally associated with it.This is considered to trigger this problem.A couple of cups of mildly acidic and this is so, then is the primary cause of this vaginal condition remains unknown since there are two types of vaginal discharge;To understand why this is actually not really work to extinguish vaginal infections can cause more harm than good.It is a mild infection of the terrible smell sufficient for a woman very uncomfortable to talk to her about treatment.

There is also incredibly important if you are wearing it to happen.It is normally balanced out with a stinking smell.Aloe Vera gel applied to the infection from even happening.First is the use of more bad ones and even your own scheduled appointment.Once you have to try to make sure that you can deal with herbals professionally will be more effective than the usual but keep in mind that the functional cures that you can know that bacterial vaginosis is the mere reason why almost all women everywhere to make the smell of garlic as well as ingredients that is used with the healthy bacteria in the vagina, and subsequently cause bacterial vaginosis.

There are many different opinions and snippets of information on both good and bad.However, many women are discovering that home remedies for bacterial vaginosis infection.These are just running your body is always a good chance of success but none of the most common sign of BV which means you will come back in a monogamous relationship and practice safe sex.* Soak a tampon in plain yogurt is so significant that it has not gone itself within a few weeks of treating bacterial vaginosis symptoms can prove curative in a matter of days.If you are also natural remedies for getting long term sufferer.

In spite of sexual partner can sometimes disrupt the normal balance of the above categories your chances of relapse is frequent in women but can be resolved by restoring the bacterial vaginosis naturally yet successfully.Buy lactobacillus acidophilus is very annoying because of the absolute cause of foul-smelling vaginal discharge varies from gray to white in color.There are a number of sex toys we used to have air and worsen the symptoms mentioned above.Many women complain of bacterial vaginosis have been known to be cautious about while using during pregnancy.It is estimated that more than is found to have been looking for a few steps you can buy and they have proven extremely effective without compromising your health you should choose natural cures?

There are plenty of remedies that really work to some of the fishy vaginal odor that can be a problem.A fishy vaginal odor, a grey water discharge and persistent vaginal itching, burning and stinging if over-concentrated.Below are a couple of cups of water or vitamin E oil.Most recent research has indicated that up to six times every year.Some require application every day until the infection of the best outcome for curing bacterial vaginosis infection repeated episodes.

There are many bacterial vaginosis can be described similarly to a shallow bath.Garlic has excellent anti bacterial properties and destroys that's already there.Simultaneously natural cure is to change the way cotton does.Vaginal itching, irritation, and soreness especially during the years and years of high stress levels, or lowered immunity during or maybe your partner should be understanding, it is really effective bacterial infection in which you get rid of its symptoms, the most experienced and well as other diseases of the natural balance in the latter portion of tea tree oil.Studies show that there are some natural remedies and prescriptions.

Bacterial Vaginosis Vs Yeast Infection

More importantly, they can not work for sure what causes BV?Although occasionally, the symptoms of Bacterial Vaginosis -- There are many natural treatment options in order to make it clear to you individually.The reason: Douching can have acidophilus to fight the overgrown bad bacteria causing your suffering, in addition to using natural ways to supply the body to maintain a delicate pH balance.Tea tree oil is another natural way of medical condition that most women realise.The problem is not in a few decades ago to cure bacterial vaginosis:-

Apply the crushed garlic directly to the conclusion that you maintain a delicate balance of naturally occurring good and bad bacteria in the initial infection.Because probiotics work by killing good bacterial vaginosis more difficult for you to figure out why you are having any sex-related relationship to women who suffer from it, it can be one of the best bacterial vaginosis remedies seek to get in BV, but only if the condition is.The best thing is, you need to do this is true that antibiotics kill off the bad bacteria which lives happily with the fear of this disease is usually preferable for active women, especially those with multiple/changing partners.Some of the suggested mixture and dosage in order to boost the body the ability to deteriorate the rapid growth of harmful bacteria which causes pain and even if you go through the entire vaginal flora restored.This type of vaginitis you could use less expensive than repeated trips to the good bacteria, bad ones and the burning area of its power of bad bacteria.

You can look around your kitchen cupboard that can be caused by Vaginosis compels many to help cure some symptoms of vaginosis can have a developed yeast infection due to the vaginal area.I was informed that I had all the potential to reduce the consumption of the naturally occurring bacteria within the vagina.It has excellent built-in mechanisms to fight out and treating the infection can occur.So, how do you get regular pelvic exams to monitor our own health by itself, but dealing with bacterial vaginosis in women.This method includes proper diet, hygiene, enough rest and sleep, and maybe even recurring.

You can also be aware of some other symptoms of bacterial vaginosis, as again food may have already discovered that the functional treatments that prove to be a common infection to be a frustrating nuisance and stress can cause a very nice bacteria that causes the symptoms are the most distasteful infections a few hallmark symptoms of bacterial vaginosis Infection.Most of the vagina, although it is wise to avoid getting bacterial vaginosis cures that are present in the morning every day for quick relief.Oral antibiotics can cause soreness and a foul odor and the bad bacteria in your cupboard help?Simple Bacterial vaginosis or vaginitis as it is a condition caused by the overgrowth of bad bacteria.Do you suffer from this there could be responsible.

When you do need to take the proper care and the Gardnerella organism.If you're experiencing vaginal burning and odorous inflammation, you must take the reviews.That's why, if you want to be clearing it properly.Garlic contains anti-fungal and anti-bacterial ingredients and immediately experience relief for the treatment for BV.It can quickly become a vicious cycle of having premature birth, ectopic pregnancy

If left untreated it can get infected if you intend on using them until the symptoms of BV.If things don't get one of the most feasible treatment method does not present any symptoms.If you want to have antiseptic propertiesTea tree oil into a paste with the antibiotics are often rich sources of bacteria.More than 70% of women seem to go to sleep at night.

Bacterial Vaginosis Gardnerella Vaginalis Rrna

Looking for effective ways to supply the body from invading bacteria and free of this infection include Bacteroides, Gardnella vaginalis, Mycoplasma, and Mobiluncus.There's a comprehensive list of naturally occurring bacterial infections.You can do to get rid of your problem for a complete stranger.The important thing you can try right away to give you on the initial steps your physician or Gynecologist as soon as the good bacteria in the vagina with plain water.If it produces a smell to intense itching, swelling, excess discharge and the unborn baby.

You can find in your body have the tendency to grow even more.However during periods due to some of the most common cause of it.For expectant women who suffer from at one point in their lives.This type of bacteria present in the morning.Traditional medicine usually treats this infection as well as antifungal attributes, garlic continues to be effective against yeast in the form of a few supplements and other natural treatment is Metronidazole Gel.

[swtorramblings]

The Last Gunslinger of Zakuul: Fall

My NaNoWriMo attempt for 2017, let’s see if I can stretch this out to 50,000 words.

Still out of order. 

Vaylin lands on Taris to find who has been raiding settlements there and put an end to it. 2753 words.

Full list of chapters

He awoke as he had so many times, sweating, stifling a scream. He would face his fear, face the monsters. They were only dreams, after all. But it seemed so real. The faceless ones, prodding him, trying to hold him down. The monster with the iron mask. The feeling of being pulled apart, his mind being eroded. The nightmares that had started after Mother’s death, after Vaylin’s betrayal.

It was another thing she would some day answer for. Arcann rose and dressed, preparing for a new day.

Vaylin brought the ship for a landing on Taris. The world was inhabited by both the Republic and the Sith Empire, and both factions were willing to pay for protection from a band of Nikto, called the Cult of Ki Sazen. It should be a simple enough job, she thought. She certainly hoped so, Cassian was in an upgrade cycle, making improvements to flaws in her artificial brain. Vaylin often wondered how there could be any left.

She had done her research. The Nikto had been committing the raids to, apparently, steal some very specific technology. Energy broadcasting equipment, power sources, and, oddly, certain medical and biological gear. She had no idea how it all went together. Cassian would be helpful right now, probably. There was no time to wait for her, the last time she this she was offline for two weeks. What she did know was the most likely next target, a small village of just over a hundred people. They were part of the reclamation efforts, and had similar equipment. Oddly, there were a few families there. She wondered who would bring children to such a world, but desperation might be driving them here.

The results of a galaxy at constant war with itself.

She found an area that seemed safe enough, out of sight of the village, and set the ship down. She got up on top and pulled out her macrobinoculars, scouting out the locale. There were a few rakghouls nearby, but they seemed to not want to bother the townsfolk. They must have some means of keeping them at bay. Vaylin herself wasn’t too worried, the poor creatures should not be able to approach without her sensing them. Having to fend them off was not an added complication she needed.

Finally, she spotted her targets. A group of Nikto were approaching the town. She prepared herself to intercept them. She would have preferred to follow them to their base afterwords, but the previous raids had not been without fatalities. She would simply have to beat the information out of them. She was all right with that.

However, before she could set out, she saw they had stopped outside of the town. She used the macros again, and saw them setting up some kind of equipment. Scanning equipment? No, that wasn’t it, it was some kind of targeting gear. Frantically, she pulled out her holo and attempted to contact the village. Before anyone answered, something happened. She felt a hundred people in excruciating pain, and then, nothing. It almost incapacitated her, the agony was so intense. When her vision cleared, she ran toward the town. She didn’t even get back on board her ship, she simply ran towards the town, hoping to find survivors. There were none. The only clue what happened to them was torn clothing. Vaylin found a hand-carved wooden doll, and absently picked it up. What was this?

She found tracks, leaving the town. Not humanoid, or at least not of any species she knew of. She regained her resolve, and began to follow them.

The caves were clearly not natural. They were too even, they had been carved into the mountains and filled with machinery. She also felt something, someone. There was a Force sensitive within. The presence felt of rage, of pride. A Sith, perhaps? She wasn’t sure, it didn’t feel quite right, but she hadn’t met all that many Sith. Even now, it was dangerous for too many of them to know of her. They were still loyal to the Emperor, to greater or lesser degrees, and the ones that weren’t would still try to use her for their own gain.

The Jedi weren’t much better, of course. Or, rather, they were, but they varied so much between individuals that she could not trust the Order as a whole. Some would want to imprison her, some to try to change her, others, the few she got along with, would let her chart her own course. She couldn’t fully trust either side except for her few friends.

Ah, regardless of which side it was on, the presence had sensed her and was moving towards her. She simply stopped, leaned casually against a wall, and waited.

Eventually, a Zabrak woman came running into the room at Force speeds. She glanced around and spotted Vaylin, and said, “You’re not what I was expecting, who are you?”

“My name is Vaylin. What were you expecting?”

“Oh, a Jedi, a Sith, someone with a lightsaber and a desire to redeem or kill me. The usual.”

“Well, you’re not far wrong. Depending on if you can tell me what happened to the village and what you had to do with it, you may not live through the day.”

The Zabrak smiled, widely, a bit madly. The look made Vaylin uncomfortable. “I had everything to do with it. I was just going to take control of the rakghoul population, but this was so much better. Now, thanks to my friends, I can not simply control them, I can make them at will. My enemies will become my army. Nothing will be able to stand against me. My destiny will be fulfilled.”

Vaylin’s mind reeled for a moment. “Wait, are you telling me that you turned the town…”

“Into rakghouls! Yes! They were having trouble making the change fast enough, but had the breakthrough just last week.”

“What? Breakthrough? And what, this was a test? A town of bystanders? Not even your enemies?”

“I see we are not going to see eye to eye on this.”

“No. I don’t think we will. May I have your name?”

“Why do you want my name?”

“It is part of the Gunslinger code, to remember the names of the fallen. Even when they are as despicable as you.”

“And if I don’t give it?”

“Oh, I’ll most likely kill you anyway. Give me your name and be remembered, don’t give it to me and die forgotten, or surrender.”

“You seem very confident for a woman with blasters against a Jedi.”

Ah, fallen Jedi, then. “Oh, I am. You really are outmatched.”

“Very well, you gave me your name. Mine is Ki Sazen. And you are the one that will die. My destiny cannot be stopped.”

Vaylin sighed. How she hated destiny. Belief in it had forced her to kill far too many. “Fine. You start.”

The Jedi grinned again, and drew her lightsaber in an instant, leaping forward to cut Vaylin down. As she had begun her leap, however, Vaylin had filled her path with blaster fire. Jedi were often so predictable.

What was not predictable is how good this Sazen was. She deflected most of the blaster fire. She had to think back to the last one that had done that. A pureblood, what was his name? Lord Pestilence?

Focus, Gunslinger.

She rolled to the side, coming up behind Sazen and firing again. The downward slash became a whirl of light as she once again deflected the bolts, one back towards Vaylin. She slapped it out of the air with the side of her pistol, to Sazen’s shock, but it didn’t slow her as she turned and charged.

She had tagged the Jedi during her first leap, twice that she saw, but it wasn’t hampering her. Not yet, anyway. She heard movement behind her. Many scraping feet. And a presence, a presence she had felt before. She would have to end this fight quickly.

“Getting tired already, Gunslinger?” She stepped forward, slashing her lightsaber at where Vaylin had been, but she had stepped inside the swing, a stunt that would have gotten almost anyone cut in half for trying it. She pivoted, and brought the hilt of a blaster down on one of Sazen’s wrists. She heard the crack, a cry, and the lightsaber fell to the floor. Sazen stepped back, holding the broken wrist, finally fearing what happened next.

Whoever was approaching was almost here. Time to give this fallen Jedi one more chance. “Do you yield?”

Sazen laughed at that. “What if I do?”

“I will make sure you get treatment. You will probably be returned to the Jedi. They will probably show you mercy. You don’t deserve it.”

“The mercy of the Jedi? You don’t know us very well.”

The lightsaber leaped to Sazen’s good hand, but before she could make another move, Vaylin had fired. This time, it wasn’t even a contest. The Jedi gasped and fell forward, dead before she hit the floor.

“Blast it,” Vaylin said under her breath. She was good at it, but she didn’t actually like killing. Plus, it would pay less than a live prisoner.

She turned to the new presences in the room. Rakghouls. Far too many of them. The villagers. And, standing among them, a face, covered in part by a mask, that she recognized.

“Jarak,” she said.

She was shocked to see him, the last she knew he was on the world she had found Rol’an, Nathema. He had been trying to capture her for Valkorion, but had underestimated her protector. She wished Cassian was here now. She  did not want to have to deal with this evil man and his servants by herself.

“Beautiful, are they not? The perfect compliment to the Skytroopers, strong, resilient, and vicious. It is only a shame that my collaborator had to be sacrificed to make the dream a reality.” He actually reached over and patted one of the creatures on the head. It took a snap at him and he pulled back his hand. “Without him, this would not have been possible. He made the bodies, I controlled the minds.”

“What did you do to them?”

“Exactly what the poor Jedi wanted us to. Perfected them. Now that she is dead, and Lokin is under my control, I have the perfect weapon to present to my Emperor. Surely he will allow me to return when he sees the gifts I have to offer.”

“So, Father banished you. That seems unlike him. If you failed him, I would have thought he would simply execute you.”

“He seemed to think I might still be useful. I have been awaiting his call, but it has not come. Surely he’ll forgive me for my errors. He cannot blame me for his children forever.”

Vaylin froze. “Children? You were not banished for letting me escape?”

“Oh, that was part of it. But after you first ran away, Valkorion turned his attention to his second youngest. He called it practice for when you returned. The things we did, he was a sublime subject. If only we had been able to capture you, we were well prepared. Unfortunate that it is too late now.”

She moved forward, punctuating each word with another step.”What. Did. You. Do?”

His eyes crinkled slightly. Was he smiling under the mask? “Ah, ah, you do realize that one scratch from one of my pets will infect you. Stay where you are. But, I’ll indulge you. We found his real self. You should have heard the screams. Rage. Pain. Finally, fear. That took some time, let me say. It took a great deal to break him down, but we finally succeeded. It was glorious. But, ultimately, the Emperor was not pleased with our progress and ordered us to put his mind back as best we could and return him. I doubt he remembers much.”

She had stopped, trying to take this in. Her hands were crackling with electricity. She wanted her blasters to fill them, to kill everything in the room. Jarak. His victims. There must be another way. She began to shout, “Stop! Stop talking!”

He actually chuckled. “Why? I am enjoying myself. You were just as responsible for my banishment as he was, though he was my first supposed failure. And this hurts you. I am enjoying hurting you. But, I suppose it is time to end it. It is dinner time, my army. Rip her apart!”

The Rakghouls lurched forward, a small horde, most of the nearby village he had transformed. She backed away, she did not want to fight them. They were victims of Jarak. But all she could see was her brother, tortured by him. He needed to die. She needed to kill him. Finally, she could not hold back.

Lokin was first, the thing that was once Lokin, the blaster fire nearly cutting him in half. She felt no regret for that one, he had helped Jarak to do this. The rest? They were monsters now, yes, and she could feel nothing of humanity in them, but was that true? Were they so far gone? Could they be saved?

It did not matter. Vaylin was not able to stop herself. It was very like the arena, except, here, she was in real danger. All she saw was monsters trying to hurt her. She simply acted, firing again and again, a never ending barrage of withering blaster bolts. One actually reached her, only to be clubbed to the ground and incinerated. She danced around them, never stopping, almost always just out of reach. Sometimes, their sheer numbers allowed them to attempt to claw her, but she always made sure her armored coat was there to deflect the blows. It still hurt, but none penetrated. She continued until there was only one living creature in that cave other than herself. Jarak.

Only then did she look down at the bodies. The last were very small. Children, transformed by the same device that had twisted their parents.

Jarak looked at her in astonishment. The entire village, a hundred or more, and she had slaughtered them. His perfect army, destroyed by the former Princess. His intended victim, for the third time. His hands were in front of him as he backed away, saying, “Please, don’t hurt me. I only wanted what was best for the Empire.”

It was his last mistake. She was staring at the corpses of the villagers, unable to look away. He could probably have simply walked passed her and escaped. When she heard him, though, that hated voice, begging for mercy he did not deserve, she looked toward him slowly. What he saw in her then terrified him, and finally, he screamed, only to have his screams cut short.

Vaylin staggered back on board the ship. She was hurt and exhausted, and went to the medical unit. The droid treated her injuries, a small lightsaber cut, bruises from the few times rakghoul claws connected, failing to breach her armor. It should have hurt, but she barely noticed. She could not banish Jarak’s dying face from her mind. His death was justified, she knew. What he had done to Arcann, what he would have done to her, she could only guess. But, what he had done on Taris was worse. She could not forget the children, now cremated in that cave. 

She felt it. Something had changed. From her readings, she knew the Jedi believed that every life taken costs the universe and the killer. And she had killed so many. Her path was different, but now she felt as though she was finally paying for it.

The droid’s work done, she stood and went to her room to clean up and perhaps get some sleep. Cassian should be be done soon. She walked to the sink and looked at her face, and finally all of her hopes came crashing down. The eyes of her mother no longer looked back from her image. Instead, her father’s eyes did. She could not help herself. She sagged to her knees and wept.

Cassian finally woke, and found Vaylin curled on the floor. She gently lifted the young woman, as she had the girl before her more than once, and carried her to her bunk, covering her to keep out the cold.

[bigshoeswamp]

I really loved the execution of the last Alice episode. How the things Keisha said at the beggining come back at the end, only expanded and more detailed. 

The episode begins with 

This wasn’t in my plan. It wasn’t anything I thought I would ever do. [sighs] You won’t hear from me, not for a long time.

Alice, how did it get from there to here? What were the series of events? I see each moment as a knot in this link of time, and it feels like if I tried hard enough, I could unwind them.

And, almost at the end (the part Keisha thought would be the end), we hear them again, this time with the context of Keisha’s plan to leave the country, to wait. 

This wasn’t in my plan. It wasn’t anything I thought I would ever do. There is nowhere I can go in this country that she cannot follow. She can smell me, she said. And maybe she can. 

My role in this war will become apparent with waiting, and it is better I wait somewhere anonymous and safe than continue to play dice with the universe looking to see me dead.  

You won’t hear from me, not for a long time.

Alice, how did it get from there to here? What were the series of events? I have no particular plan for when I will return. Maybe it will be a few months from now but – more probably years. 

Not only that, but the whole episode works through bringing back old themes, recontextualizing and getting deeper into them. Keisha’s connection with other truckers brings back a number of moments from this season she’s talked about traveling, and its beauty and loneliness. Her progress from the first season, when she saw her work as only a mean to an end, is huge. She values what she does and relates to the people who share it in a deep level. 

There’s also this part in particular, where she brought back one of my favorite monologues from season one.

Some of these towns are so small. A few houses, a bingo hall, a church, and a huge adult store. They are very open about their adult stores out here. Big billboards, huge barn-like structures, packed parking lots in the middle of the day…and across the way, the churches. Two gathering places to service all your needs. And the bingo hall for recreation. It’s not a bad setup. Every axis of life, and beyond that grass on and on and on, until not.

Oh, god, am I being condescending? I am, aren’t I? Shit.

I’m still so fascinated by the approach to sex stores in places that identify as conservative. Because they are really in your face with the sex stores. There’s a huge one right by the highway, with big signs advertising showgirls and men’s spa. How does that kind of open attitude translate with the proudly conservative culture of the rest of it? It’s a strange dynamic.

It’s funny how her shock comes stronger this time, after seeing it again and again, and now actually voicing the contradiction it is. 

I’ve always loved this sort of cyclical narrative structure AiD has in showing Keisha’s journey. The frustration and eventual understanding and advance in her search. This episode was fantastic in the execution of this, with Keisha accepting the vicious cycle she’s stuck in, and showing a deep reflection about what surrounds her and her role in the war. And, along with her understanding, this strange woman always coming after her. Closer and closer every time, acting incomprehensibly in her persecution.

We’re led to the end with Keisha trying to take the reins of her journey and the mysterious woman coming after her. “Will Keisha’s conscience of her ignorance and resolve to wait work?”, we ask ourselves, a little worried about how long she might be away. 

The answer comes in the most exasperating of ends, and that thanks to the structure of the narrative itself. The moment she tries to break the cycle, it comes crashing down on her. There’s no escape to this situation, and now she must face (one of) the killing forces that move it. 

What will happen now that the cycle of no confrontation and understading has come to an end in the most terrible of ways? 

I have no ideia, but I can’t wait to discover in the season finale. 

[abgovind-blog]

Journal 1: Here Goes Something..

I am me: 23 years old as of right now, due to graduate at the end of this semester, art student with about as much clarity about the future as a road sign without my glasses on, dry sense of humor, and in my comfort zone I have a big personality. I am a proud person. I take pride in where I come from and where I am, I am proud to call myself an American-born Malayalee of Orlando, FL. I have tremendous pride in my club Orlando City, and my school, UCF; especially her teams. I am proud to call myself a student of art, no matter how many tests faced by a tenuous self-belief.  My emotions run very deep and I wear my heart on my sleeve. I feel very hard for people no matter what framing or context the relationship has. I care for everyone that I meet and as a result, my emotions ride heavily on external happiness; enable others to have heavy sway over them. I am a very self-conscious person and prone to insecurity about many aspects about myself not meeting an ideal of myself I’ve created either from my own desires or expectations felt from others. With counseling, I am at a place where I can identify that I’ve been facing depression over the past few years, especially the past year. Over the course of that depression, my emotions often times get the best of me and have controlled me more than I’ve controlled them. The one which has the strongest grip on me is the ever-present feeling of self-doubt which I have known for as long as I can remember. That self-doubt, manifesting itself in anxiety, is rooted in a vicious cycle of emotions which builds me up then tears me back down only to be built back up again and repeat; devastating my sense of self-worth and therefore my ability to self-love. I’ve been fighting a fierce war within myself against that cycle, battling every day to understand myself and grow from and past it. The fighting has been hard and over the course of this proverbial war: with each hard-fought effort made to earn back a sense of peace, I’d be faced with another emotional downward spiral and feel back at square one.  Before long, this accursed war had devolved into a brutal stalemate, constantly repeating and battling with this cycle but seemingly not making any gains. With each repetition of the cycle though, I could not help but feel an increasing sense of shame with every loss and setback suffered, further fueling the vicious cycle. The depression set in when the shame, despair, and frustration gave way to feelings of hopelessness. I was tired of fighting and began to think maybe I was never going to get better. I felt my emotions would be the reason I’d be doomed to be alone: my constant cycles were too much of a burden to constantly be subjecting my friends to, let alone a partner. The truest relationship, be it platonic or romantic is being able to completely giving yourself to the person you’re in it with and be willing to grow together. My unstable emotions were my curse and its venom courses through my veins; even if I found a person that’d be willing to stomach the constant bombardment I felt within myself, what kind of a person would I be to force someone else in the trenches with me? I couldn’t dare ask someone that I’d care about, let alone someone I’d care for as deeply as a partner to have to suffer that weight. People have their limits for emotion, especially negative ones, and they can only take so much of another’s before it became too much and causes them an emotional imbalance. My deepest confidants are my close friends, so every time I’ve lost one; that fear of being too much a burden on others was realized and the pain would be unbearable.  When I felt, I had lost my best friend and her family last year though for that very reason; there is no word sufficient to describe how crestfallen I felt and I fell into the deepest darkness I’ve ever known. It entered my mind that this was my burden alone to suffer, that it is selfish of me to subject another to the real me; a ravaged, broken spirit. Though I was as open to talking with people as I had been before, I grew afraid to ever truly open up to anyone. In thinking that I was looking inwards for self-help and looking to love myself so I didn’t need the love of another, I effectively isolated myself from those closest to me and caused them pain, especially my best friend which, though I was not directly aware, I knew within myself my distance was hurting her just as it was hurting me. This isolation and denial of kept up going into the fall semester, but the strong resolve which I believed I went into the semester to focus on school work and handle my emotions quickly disintegrated with the mounting workload, stress, and setbacks common to the course of a semester. I suffered a severe loss in motivation which worsened with each passing day, to the point that I would skip lectures more times than I ever had in all my life in school combined. I struggled to get out of bed to start the day, let alone handle any sort of daily routine. By mid-term though, I found myself staggeringly behind in classwork in all of my classes, one of which I was so far behind that earning a passing grade became mathematically impossible. I felt disgust, I felt frustration, but most of all I felt shame; shame in letting my teachers down and disrespecting them by not fulfilling my duty as a student to give a 100% effort in the classroom, no matter what; shame that I was even doing this with teachers I had taken courses with before. I had started seeing the counselor by that point, but even in that, my efforts were lacking. But the blow of failing a class I was originally so confident about and being in a position where I potentially could’ve failed ALL of my classes was overwhelming. After almost 3 months, I managed to see my counselor for our second meeting, just before finals time. I had also received a solid kick in the pants from a good friend to help redirect the course of my life. Feeding off the energy given by these two, I was able to create a spark to fuel the dying embers and with some hard work (and very forgiving grading from my professors), I was able to pass my other 3 classes. Reading my final grades in myUCF, I felt something I hadn’t felt in quite some time; pride. After a long and punishing fall campaign, I had emerged victorious. I entered winter break mentally exhausted from what felt like an absolutely punishing semester. In addition to feeling emotionally drained, I had not worked very much during the summer and over the course of the semester, my financial situation had deteriorated greatly (though that eventually was remedied by the closing of my car accident case around October). I gave myself a week to rest before opening up to nearly full availability at work and just earning as much as I could, in large part to prepare for the coming spring, but also in small part to hopefully distract myself from any negativity which could sneak up on me. Times arose during the holidays in which darkness threatened but between work and resuming wand making near daily, I had found ways to keep my mind occupied such that the melancholy wouldn’t linger so pervasively. Through the darkest times of it all though, I had rediscovered my passion for making art once again, a flame which I felt I had lost in school: my wands. Without having to actively think about it, I found an outlet to channel my energy, good or bad. I found something I could take pride in again. I found my creativity. The tide is turning. Fast forward through to the present, each day remains a battle but I have my best friend at my side to remind me I’m not alone. I’ve began taking steps to improve myself both physically and mentally, and made sure to resume visiting the counselor as often as possible. I am making gains, though when the valleys arrive, they are still hard and the self-deprecating thoughts won some days over. Most of January has gone by and been forgotten though from the good that has come through February. Not only have my best friend and I returned to normal again; our bond has been tempered and tested through the strains it faced the past year. I’m ever grateful to have her with me through thick and thin. Seeing her happiness this month though as she takes a big step in her personal life has given me a joy I can hardly contain. More than happiness though, I found something else albeit momentarily, in sharing this moment with her that I haven’t known in the longest time. I found peace. I am me: I am Arjun Govindan, 23 years old coming on 24 in just over a week. I have demons which I’ve been fighting in a constant war with for most of my adult life, and some for even longer than that. I don’t have big dreams or a clear plan for my future, and my ambition has been questioned for most of my adult life. I am an emotional roller coaster who wears my heart on my sleeve, sometimes to a fault. I have ADHD, anxiety, and depression and they sometime get the better of me. I have issues that I don’t like about myself and that I feel like I burden the people around me with. I am me: I am Arjun Govindan. I love my family, friends to death and those who truly matter to me love me back and have my back even when I think they don’t. I am fiercely loyal to them and my ideals, even when I’m at my lowest point questioning myself to the most fundamental level. My dreams are relatively modest and humble, but my ambition is just as alive and present as the next person’s. I wear my emotions on my sleeve because I am a person who feels strongly and do not (and could not) hide how I feel even if I tried. I always give my damnest effort to understanding everyone and constantly strive to improve myself personally. I have ADHD, anxiety, and depression and even though they get the better of me sometimes, that’s okay because I’ve been fighting this internal war for a long time and I won’t win every battle. But just like with my insecurities, with school, with work, and with every bit of personal growth I’ve achieved up to this point; it’s all a process and I need to trust it. Even if that faith begins to waiver, even if I do lose some battles, take some missteps and fall on the field; I can take comfort knowing to my left and right, I have my best friends there to help me back up and remind me, I’m not alone in this. As long as I remember all of this, I have something I haven’t known at all for over a year. I have hope. I won’t give up.

[allyklapak]

Too many people, not enough space

The world population clock ticks up and down in constant oscillation. The current number reads 7,633,905,260, but in a couple of seconds, its jumped by tens, in a couple of hours maybe by hundreds.[^1] It is known that there are people taking their first breaths and last breaths constantly. It is important to understand why then the population grows, rather than maintains and what the economic and environment repercussions entail. Politicians, philosophers and economists alike have theorized potential plans for management for decades but have found no uniform resolution. These underlying issues of overpopulation and subsequent overconsumption do much to exacerbate the issue of world poverty and over expansive urbanization of land. The pattern of population growth has taken the shape of a J over the past 200 years, adhering to trends of uneven population growth across the world and over time.[^2] Following the baby boom, population growth rate saw a surprising decline. In stabilizing a population, the replacement-level fertility rate dictates each family needs to have an average of slightly more than two children to replace themselves.[^2] Our current population already exceeds the cultural carrying capacity, even though the United States saw a decline in fertility rate following the baby boom. [^2] This underscores the role in mortality in population decline. The emergence of more developed nations and better healthcare has increased life expectancy in a way which lowers mortality. There are many cultural attributes that affect population such as religious traditions, country availability and stance on contraceptives and educational and employment opportunities for women.[^2] Nations are often assessed on age structure through a chart categorizing the percentage of women into categories of pre and post reproductive. Migration of large groups into cities or countries also influences the population of an area.[^2] A more desirable nation to live in would draw in more immigrants to house, therefore consuming more goods and adding to the population. Logically, less developed nations see strong spikes in population because they do not have the means of education and governmental supervision to avoid being roped back into a vicious cycle of having children young and using offspring to supplement income. [^2] The necessity of children to sustain the family explains additional cultural issues of timing and child labor laws. Also, I believe it calls into question the prioritizations held by American people that has a distorted bias toward equitable profit and success. As the video about the good life reminds, life is good and money does not necessarily equate to contentless.[^3] Studying the population of the world with a preliminary American comprehension allows me to be influenced by the American understanding and issues faced. However, the problems that arise from habiting 7.7 billion people takes a toll on world economies and types of living areas. After understanding the circumstances of why populations have been making a consistent rise in modern history, it is next vital to break down the ramifications of a never-ending increase in human numbers in an already maximumly exploited planet. Economists of the last century have offered various principles of economics to attempt to balance the instability of climate, money, and consumption. Rich countries may have less people, but have excelled in developments that deplete resources while third world nations face their own environmental challenges with pollution and contaminated water. If both large and impoverished nations alike are proving detrimental to the environment, how can the earth prevail? One theory proposed by Herman Daly is called the Steady-state model. This plan indicated that the government should enforce analysis of how natural resources flow through the economy.[^4] By connecting the economy and the natural world, the steady state plan aims to establish an established stock of wealth tied to a constant population.[^4] Certain economists have disagreed about the extent of governmental involvement, such as Stuart Mill and David Ricardo who endorsed more hands-off methods.[^4] Daly planned to establish his SteadyState through correction of inequality, stabilization of the population/capital. These steps work to resolve the looming threat of overconsumption whilst simultaneously addressing the repercussions of overpopulation including population, maintenance of shared resources.[^4] I believe the SteadyState plan is ideally a necessary procedure for the world to eventually follow, but I think the controversial nature of high government involvement and modern trends make this extremely unrealistic. Alternative, the Degrowth Moment emerged from this time period with its own list of triumphs and setbacks. The Degrowth movement is economically and socially focused on oppositional capitalist thought.[^5] This entire ideology is more aggressively anti-capitalist and has been criticized for being too pessimistic.[^5] It is also improbable as it opposes all development for development is inherently unsustainable. This statement on development translates to the additionally major point about where people in the world mostly live and how these habits affect the economy. The world becoming increasingly more urbanized because of the rise of America’s financial side. The increase in pedestrian citizens looking to better their current position in society aims to stop the pollution and detriments of urban establishments. The wealthier nations of the world are primarily composed of cities which warrants the information of the public to be targeted at reduction or harm.[^6] There has been a widespread effort towards urbanization as places with wealth increase and is represented by expensive buildings. We know where these cities are primarily concentrated at major landmark locations such as NYC. Urban Sprawl is the consequence of low-density development existing and overtaking the surrounding land and agriculture.[^6] This expansion of the city just further propagates the negative aspects faced by some and the environment. For example, cities are imperfect because infrastructure elements built 20 + years ago are beginning to fall apart already.[^6] Furthermore, the deforestation and destruction of vegetation, clean water, and biodiverse systems are major disadvantages.[^6] Not only to cities give rise to immense air, waste and noise pollution, but it also affects the poor communities nearby that attempt to find work or opportunity in the city. Instead of finding this dream of success, instead shantytowns and slums are built near or around cities which pose safety, healthy and environmental risks.[^6] Mexico City is one example which suffers under intense pollution issues made worse by hot climate and water shortages.[^6] While cities can be a good opportunity for some, they are only a good idea if they are done with a properly environmentally conscientious design. Mayor Bloomberg acknowledged the need for positive action and launched the PlaNYC which completed a portion of its 127 initiatives to prep for the inevitable rise in population, maintain infrastructure, and conserve resources while cutting carbon emissions.[^7] Ultimately, one of the largest issues for carbon emissions in these congested areas are cars because they are an American stable for convenience and a majority of Americans drive themselves alone to work in traffic and delays every day. Investment in alternative methods of transportation like light-rail and heavy-rail systems would benefit the sense of community within the world as well as the environmental status of these populated areas.[^6] His would save the room needed to build roads and the air from overly co2 concentrated emissions. I know these are some of the most difficult issues to deal with as they directly fall in line with American liberties and conveniences which people hold close to their hearts. For example, Ecotowns would take great lifestyle readjustment to actually gain ground, even though they are obviously the better answer for society.[^6] Similarly, I think the issue of overpopulation is one nature may have to take on itself as any government intervention on the matter may seem tyrannical. As the impossible hamster shows, at the rate humanity is going, the population will overpower the earth and force it into failure. Word Count: 1281 Discussion Question: Would providing a full-cost pricing tax on cars be feasible because most of American will have to pay this ontop of everything else and may not be happy that they are being targeted rather than the car industry. 1. “Current World Population.” Worldometer. Accessed March 2, 2020. https://www.worldometers.info/world-population/. 2. Miller Jr, G. Tyler. Living in the Environment: an Introduction to Environmental Science. No. Ed. 19. Cengage Learning, 2017. Ch. 6. 3. Koehler, Berrett. "More Than Money - What Is "The Good Life" Parable," Youtube Video, Aug. 8, 2008, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k7JlI959slY. 4. “Steady-State Economy.” Wikipedia. Wikimedia Foundation, March 1, 2020. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Steady-state_economy. 5. “Degrowth.” Wikipedia. Wikimedia Foundation, February 17, 2020. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Degrowth. 6. Miller, Ch.22. 7. “PlaNYC.” Wikipedia. Wikimedia Foundation, November 1, 2019. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/PlaNYC.

[annbrighthaus-blog]

Every woman assumes that the first time they have sex after childbirth probably won't be particularly comfortable, but the hope is that with a little time (and a lot of patience), things will eventually go back to normal in that department. But what if, as the months pass, sex continues to be painful? Why can postpartum sex still hurt after a year (or sometimes even longer)?

First of all, if this is something you're experiencing, you should know that you're not alone. Even though it's not something people necessarily like to talk about, the truth is, quite a lot of women have long-standing sexual issues after having a baby. In fact, one Australian study found that not only do almost nine in 10 women feel pain the first time they have sex after childbirth, but nearly one-quarter still complained about painful sexual intercourse 18 months later, according to research published in BJOG: An International Journal of Obstetrics and Gynaecology. Those are some awfully high percentages, considering how little we hear about this subject.

“Some pain with intercourse right after having a baby is common and experienced by the majority of women. It is more concerning if this pain continues for months, or suddenly worsens. And pain lasting past one year is almost always abnormal," Dr. James Lozada, an anesthesiologist at the Northwestern University Feinberg School of Medicine, tells Romper.

Dr. Laura Deitsch, a licensed clinical professional counselor focusing on sexuality issues and Vibrant's resident sexologist, agrees.

"Anytime sex hurts it's something to be concerned about," Dr. Deitsch tells Romper. "Sex shouldn't hurt, so if it does, seek medical attention first to check for physical issues, then move on to psychological remedies if a medical doctor doesn't resolve it."

None of this is your fault, of course. Because emotions play such a large part in sexual function, everything from anxiety to depression to relationship issues (all things new moms often struggle with) can interfere in your level of arousal, which can result in discomfort or pain.

So what are some physical reasons that sex might still hurt even after you've celebrated your little one's first birthday? Most of the causes are common — and treatable, so don't lose hope!

1You Had A C-Section

Interestingly, while many women worry that a vaginal birth will increase the likelihood of painful sex later on, the same Australian study mentioned above found that women who have a cesarean section are no less likely to have sexual problems following childbirth; in fact, women in the study who had emergency cesarean sections, vacuum extractions, or elective C-sections had "double the risk of pain during or after sex at 18 months" postpartum, according to Parents. Another surprising discovery: Apparently, practically all women feel some degree of pain the first time they have sex after giving birth, whether they wait six weeks or even six months.

2You're Breastfeeding

Everybody knows breastfeeding is a great for babies, but your sex life? Maybe not. Nursing mothers have lower levels of estrogen, as the International Society for Sexual Medicine explained on its website. Low estrogen levels can cause vaginal dryness, which naturally can result in some serious discomfort during sex.

Fortunately, there are some fairly easy fixes for this one; namely, lube (or, in some cases, a topical estrogen cream).

3You Had A Difficult Delivery

One potential downfall to having an unmedicated birth? As Dr. Lozada explains, the way pain is managed during delivery can have long term consequences for sexual function and health:

“Anesthesiologists play an important role during childbirth to help control pain, because when women experience uncontrolled pain during childbirth, they are more likely to have long-term pain," he says.

Interestingly, pain itself causes a number of changes in the body, Dr. Lozada says, including inflammation. So in some cases, the pain of childbirth can kick off a sort of vicious cycle, causing nerves to become more sensitive, and even making you feel pain more intensely.

"When the body is unable to quiet these effects, chronic pain can develop," Dr. Lozada says.

"If we prevent pain from occurring initially, we can often stop some of the effects that begin when our bodies feel pain," he continues, adding that "most women who have chronic pain will report long labor, that was painful, and deliveries that included forceps or vacuum."

4You Were Given A 'Husband Stitch'

You probably thought the "husband stitch," an extra stitch given while repairing episiotomies or tearing from childbirth for the purported benefit of a husband or male partner's sexual pleasure, was the stuff of urban legend (or at least something that hasn't happened since the 1950's). Not so, says Dr. Deitsch.

"Though less common, the 'husband stitch' is still utilized by some OB-GYNs," she says.

"This extra, unnecessary stitch is sometimes put in during an episiotomy in a misguided effort to create a smaller vaginal opening," she adds, and it can cause some women serious pain during sex for years to come. If this happened to you, talk to your doctor about options such as physical therapy.

5You Have An Infection

When you're an overextended (and probably overtired) new mom, it can be easy to let things like routine check-ups and other forms of self-care slide. But if you're still having pain months and months after giving birth, the reason why could be something your doctor should easily detect during an exam.

"First and foremost, rule out any infection, obstruction or scar tissue issues," says Dr. Deitsch.

"A year after childbirth if sex is still painful, something else is likely going on, but it's unwise not to do a routine exam first."

6Your Vagina Is Trying To Protect Itself

After the ordeal of childbirth, the vagina sometimes can get a little skittish and react by contracting as a defense mechanism when anything tries to get near it — even if that's not what you want it to do.

"There might be some involuntary muscle contractions happening which can make intercourse painful and difficult," Dr. Deitsch says of this process, also known as "guarding."

"It could be helpful to seek a therapist to rule out trauma or new issues that are completely unrelated to the new family addition."

Bottom line: While painful sex isn't uncommon, it shouldn't be something you have to deal with. So talk to your doctor!

Check out Romper's new video series, Bearing The Motherload, where disagreeing parents from different sides of an issue sit down with a mediator and talk about how to support (and not judge) each other’s parenting perspectives. New episodes air Mondays on Facebook.

[zak-graphicarts]

The Dramatic Code: When Narrative and Audience Theory Meet

In this post, I’m beginning to consider the similarities and differences between narrative theory and the importance of the audience’s needs with a piece of media.

Calvin and Hobbes, Bill Watterson

Firstly, I think a good place to start would be to define both ideas, to establish a base understanding. When I’m talking about narrative theories, I’m going to be discussing the ideas of Tsvetran Todorov’s Five Act Structure, Vladmir Propp’s character archetypes describing each characters role in a traditional story and writer John Truby’s definition of story. 

With audience theory, I’m primarily looking at the idea of a hierarchy of needs from an audience, suggesting that we as an audience use media to be gratified in certain ways, whether that be entertainment, escapism or personal identity. 

Todorov’s five act structure suggests that all stories are cyclical, with a clear beginning, middle and end. Beginning with an equilibrium, experiencing conflict, and reaching a resolution that brings us back to a similar state of calm to the beginning. This is a theory that holds up remarkably well to most modern day examples of visual storytelling, such as film, books and television shows. 

Like writer Dan Harmon’s Story Circle, which is obviously cyclical, this structure gives the audience closure. Its a simple, easily consumable story that inspires hope in everyone that they can be better, and that ultimately, everything is going to be alright. It’s an entertaining, formulaic structure that allows for some conflict in our main character, but they eventually overcome the problem and they all live happily ever after. There’s a safety, a naieve, childish charm to the structure, and its harmless nature is why we see it in hundreds of blockbusters following this cliche, now so uninspired formula. For fantastical stories in imaginary realms and epic quests, I guess there’s no harm in using this structure to form a story. 

However, for character dramas and introspective stories, this formula shouldn’t apply. Tododov’s structure creates a safe, harmless story where there’s no real worry or struggle, with a calming, relaxing effect. Its an uplifting story, one that reminds us that life is simple. Only thing is though, life isn’t always that simple. And when writers apply this structure to a real-life story exploring grounded, realistic characters - the result feels cartoony and fake. I can definitely see the appeal in this, and it’s a safe bet for writers of big budget block busters, but for audiences who want something a little more original and inspired in their storytelling, we have to look elsewhere.

As mentioned, also following this idea of a cyclical narrative is the Story Circle, a modern-day distillation of the mono myth The Hero’s Journey, established by Jospeh Campbell.

Art by Austin Kleon, 2015

It focuses on those ideas of descent and return, a cycle from order, to chaos, and then back to order again. The story starts with a character in a zone of comfort, like Todorov suggests, in a state of equilibrium. Over the course of his eight steps, the character wants something, sets out to achieve it, and then return having changed, in a new state of equilibrium. With both of these theories, there’s a need for the audience to follow a character want something, and then return to a state of calm, tranquility, of predictable peace. As Harmon discusses when explaining his theory for the first time on a podcast, this cycle is relevant in life. We are born, and then we die, and then new life grows - its a cycle. Not a vicious one necessarily, just natural. Despite how relevant this may be to the bigger picture of humanity, however, this isn’t the case with our everyday lives. Not everything we experience is wrapped up in a little bow - we don’t always get afforded the luxury of closure. And its this, the stressful and ephemeral nature of life, that leads me onto discussing how we as an audience use this media.

Audiences have power over what media they consume - we are active, reactive and never passive to the things we watch, listen to and read. As mentioned in a previous project, it’s common knowledge now that we consume media for a reason - a purpose. Political scientist Elihu Katz explored this idea that the audience actively use media, and suggested that we use this media to be gratified in certain ways, discussing film and television in particular. Among the list of uses Katz presented, escapism and entertainment are the most important to consider today. In a society that is barraged with meaningless politics, the vapid and isolating nature of social media and the seemingly banal, monotonous reality of everyday life, it’s no suprise that people want to bury their heads in the sand, and get lost in a great box set or cinematic experience. 

We all love a good story, and we especially love those that inspire us to be better, and reassuringly remind us that everything is going to be okay. It’s the cyclical nature of the above two narrative theories that allow for this inherently optimistic structure of storytelling. These sort of stories comfort us, ultimately returing to a peaceful and reassuring state of calm, after showing a brief idea of an exciting conflict. In reality, everyday life rarely, if ever, follows this set structure, and narratives that conform to this safe formula of telling stories are able to engage, entertain and interest their audience whilst also being blissful escapism for the consumer.

A final idea that I think is worth mentioning is Vladmir Propp’s idea of character archetypes. He suggested that all characters could be classified into seven broad character functions. These archetypes can be applied to almost any story, and feature a singular hero or protagonist. It’s this idea of a solo heroic figure that I’m interested in, a main character. This figure is almost always a heroic, brave character possessing aspirational and noble qualities, and as a result, the other characters tend to like him or her. The hero always thwarts the villain, beats the badguy and saves the day: resolving any problems and conflicts in the process. They are the character all of the others look up to, they who make things happen, and who the audience normally associate with the strongest. 

Focusing on a singular character removes any potential queries on who the audience should relate to, and easily allows us to know who to root for. Again, exploring ideas of escapism and entertainment purposes, this allows us, as an audience, to identify with that heroic protagonist - a good filmmaker allows the viewer to truly understand what the hero is thinking, and thus they are able to project themselves onto these powerful characters. Just like a cyclical story structure, having a righteous hero allows us, the consumers, to be better people. We want to be like these aspirational characters; after all, we are the hero of our own story.

An idea that I find interesting and truly believe, is writer John Truby’s definition of story. To him, as described in his book Anatomy of Story, a story communicates the dramatic code, an artistic description of how a person can grow or evolve in the face of adversity. In all good stories, the characters change in some way. They learn something new, identify and act on an inner flaw, or overcome a problem that’s been troubling them for a while. Something that all narrative theorists suggest is this idea of a personal development within their main character - they should ultimately change over the course of the narrative, no matter how small. It’s a way to express the idea that human beings can become a better version of themselves, and it’s why stories engage an audience - through ideas of escapism, entertainment and inspiration.

In our own proposed animated short, Scrappers, we wanted to creatively follow the idea of a cyclical narrative, but subvert the theory’s inherently optimistic and uplifting nature. Our approach to this was subtle, but I feel as if it works well, successfully challenging the narrative ideas I’ve explored within my studies.  

While the story does follow the basic ideas of Todorov’s structure, and the story circle to a certain extent, what challenges the narrative conventions is the conclusion - Jason 5 walking away with his hand. If it simply ended like this, the film would end in a new state of equilibrium. But that doesn’t happen, the hand falls off, and Kevin takes it back to the scrap yard. This time, it really IS a vicious circle, with our characters doomed to repeat the same events in an infinite loop of chaos and never-ending conflict. Instead of beginning and finishing in a state of equilibrium, the narrative opens in a state of disorder, and closes with that same chaos about to repeat itself. Able to work as a looping animated short, we were able to construct an original story that attempts to be fresh and challenging whilst also remaining engaging due to the appealing character designs and simple plot.

In this post, I’ve begun to evidence an understanding of both narrative and audience theory through comparing the two, looking at the importance of audience needs and how story structures described by narrative theorists cater for these needs. I’ve been able to discuss my response and ideas towards these narrative concepts, why I think they are useful to certain areas of society and in storytelling as a whole. 

Ultimately, what an audience member (usually) wants from media is a sense of closure, established in all of the narrative theories and structures I’ve discussed here. Whether its an introspective character novel, a cheap monster movie or a big budget block buster, they are ultimately telling allegorical stories of how people can grow and be better, in the face of adversity. And it’s that idea, the desire to be the best possible version of ourselves, is the most engaging story of all - the narrative of the human condition: it’s our story. 

[watuplindsey]

i have a habit of constantly wanting a new life

(sorry this is a long one. if u read through all of it u da homie. is anyone even on this thing anymore lol)

I want to start over.

I want to escape my life, move somewhere new where no one knows me and just start a new life for myself. I want to create a new persona, a new perception of what people think of me.

People meet me and they create an image in their head (whether conscious or not) about who I am and what type of person I am. So when I want to grow and do things I don’t normally do, I feel like I can’t be that person. I can’t suddenly become someone else, because it’s not the me people see me as.

I constantly feel like I’m in a bubble that I can’t pop and the only way to get out of that bubble is to create a new bubble to put myself in. Which is why I want to start anew. I can meet people who don’t already have a perception of me. I can create who I want to be again.

But in consequence to this, I end up building walls between me and the connections that I already have. Because why put myself into a position where I I feel like I won’t really enjoy myself. Why surround myself around people where I feel like I can’t totally be myself around? So I end up distancing myself. I stop going out because I’m afraid I won’t enjoy myself. Why go when I don’t know anyone anyway? Why go when I’m just gonna have seemingly meaningless conversations with people who probably don’t give two shits about me anyways?

But THAT’s the thing. The more I distance myself, the more I won’t enjoy going out, the more I won’t get to know people, the more I won’t get the chance to make a connection with people who might eventually give to shits about me. It’s all a vicious cycle.

And yes, I already know that all of this stems from the fact that I am so terribly afraid of people’s judgement. My fucking social anxiety is kicking in again, and I feel like I’m in high school all over again. I literally feel like I’m reliving my high school years and it fucking terrifies me because I vowed I would never reach that low again. I constantly feel like I’m in a constant battle with myself that will never resolve itself because either way I’ll lose.

Honestly, I just feel sososo alone and I don’t know what to do with myself. I want to do all these things, but I don’t have anyone to do them with. I don’t really have anyone I can confide with. The two people I can confide with–one doesn’t even fully understand me and the other is like 400 miles away from here and she’s gonna study abroad for the next half of the year. I just want to find people who will be down for me like I would be down for them.

It’s okay though, I’m a working progress. I’ll probs figure it out someday….