#it’s a toss up between my meds; stress; and my terrible diet

[carcasstohounds]

ok so on one hand, if i leave today or tomorrow i’ll be missing a lot of school because i’ll probably have to miss monday too due to weather. on the other hand, i’ve been sitting in various rooms that are not classrooms since 8am and it is now 9:30 so i’m missing so much class time any way. also, i’d much, much rather feel like shit at home than in various rooms in my school that are not a classroom.

[bingeeater101-blog]

It starts

  here goes nothing ... my first post. 

i'll start with a bit about me, quick summary of my binge eating, then maybe some background, then whatever comes to mind i suppose...

so ... I'm a 43yr old male. I work full time and also have a side business .. keeps be busy. 

I have 3 children (3 boys, 19,16,13) who are my life and a wonderful wife who unfortunately is not home as much as i'd like (she works out of town so is gone during the work week)

I have been overweight for many years ... ever since late high school. 2 years ago i was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes and went on a seriously strict diet limiting my carb intake. It worked ... I lost 65 pounds ... felt great. I suppose full disclosure is therapeutic here, this is the first time in multiple years where the first number of my weight didn't start with a 3. How awesome!!! Went for a checkup with the doctor .. he was amazed .. said i have done great ... lowered my dose of diabetes meds. That day, something switched in my brain ... I stopped being so strict with my diet and I just started eating more and more .. I stopped worrying about carbs and well .. for lack of better words .. went hog wild. I have since put 40 pounds back on and then took 15 back off. I'm now hovering. 

I started to notice a pattern. No matter if i was hungry or not ... if i could get away with eating a large portion of food, i would. If i could hide the evidence, even better! I'd be out on an errand and see Taco Bell ... sure i ate an hour ago .. but ... taco bell!! maybe a quick snack? one item? that's what i'd tell myself to get myself into the drive through ... but then 3 burritos and a large diet soda later ... I'm feeling sick .. both physically and emotionally. Stop at the gas station ... dump the garbage .. go home.. tell NOONE. 

I started researching on line (what every doctor loves to hear) and found quite a few websites on binge eating. Every time I got to symptoms or identifiers.. I didn't match some of them... I matched ALL of them. 

I visited my doctor and expressed my concern. He prescribed Vyvanse (an ADHD medication that has shown promise in treating Binge Eating Disorder (BED) and suggested I go to a therapist to discuss the issues. 

Still taking the Vyvanse and I think it's the only thing keeping my weight from ballooning again .. not because i'm eating so healthily, but because it's a heavy stimulant and it's forcing my body to burn off what i'm eating. 

I went to the therapist for a while. Really liked her, but ran out of funds to pay her ... so I have stopped going. I never felt as though i was told anything that i didn't already know there, so it mainly became a 45 minute session of visiting and talking about various things going on in my life. 

I know where my problem came from, I just can't seem to stop it. 40+ years of habit is hard to break. 

Where did it come from? everywhere.. yeah .. there are many reasons

Conditioning from childhood. 

What happens when you do something good as a child? you get rewarded right? mcdonalds? candy? how many times is it food? SO MANY times. My parents were no different, good grades .. fancy dinner ... finish chores without being asked ... sweets

dinners with circling sharks. We were a small family and my stepmom always made enough to feed us. There was always a bit leftover though. Who would get the prized second portion? well .. none of us NEEDED it, but whoever finished their first serving would snag the second. Stepmom is a great cook .. seconds is awesome! so .. who needs to chew right? wolf the first down .. savor the second ... but that just turns into wolf everything down. 

depression, adhd, anxiety... as i have joined adulthood and had kids of my own, i have recognized that i suffered from fairly severe depression, adhd, and anxiety. Lots of things contributed to this from abusive father to bullying to just a chemical imbalance. None of this was ever diagnosed, I grew up in an age where maybe one kid in the school was diagnosed as hyper active and on a med for it. While over diagnosing seems to be the world we live in today, the complete lack of diagnosis back then did a lot of disservice to those of us who were suffering but didn't know why. How does this contribute to binge eating you ask? well .. when i'd have anxiety attacks, or get depressed, i gave myself a bit of a dopamine release using my wonderful friend FOOD. 

Adult contributions to the issueso, point 3 above is still in full force here. I married young ... had 2 kids and stayed for 13 years unhappy. First because i figured nobody would want me .. in my mind, i found someone to tolerate me. That's probably the best i'm going to do given who i am (the mind of depression and low self esteem). Being socially awkward made meeting new people difficult. In the end of the marriage, I stayed for the kids ... not to show them a loving family unit, but to act as a buffer between them and my now ex wife who tended to fly off the handle quickly at them). Through this, time, i don't recall if i was binge eating. Surely i was overeating because i was gaining weight the whole time, but i don't recall serious eating until feeling sick. 

stress .. working full time .. owning a part time business .. being the taxi for 3 kids in multiple activities ... the list goes on and on .. stress can build up when schedules do not cooperate. Could i eat breakfast at home? sure .. did i? nope ... drop the kids .. hit the drive through ... hide the garbage. rationalize by saying that i simply am busy and don't have time to prepare food. 

boredom... As stated earlier, I am alone quite a bit during the week. When my wife started her new job, i was terribly depressed when she was gone and bored to boot. I do not hold her responsible for my actions in any way at all, it simply made it easier for me to rationalize. She would go, I'd get depressed and bored .. and treat my depression with food. Pizza is my biggest vice. Most common scenario... I have to stay home tonight and work on things for the business .. I don't have time to cook or go out. Papa Johns web ordering .. here i come. I'll just get something small. What's this? large pizza is on sale? it's only $1.50 more than a small?? well it would be a fiscally poor decision to order the small. I'll eat the leftovers tomorrow. I just fed myself for 2 days! oh .. what's this? add a side and a 2 liter of soda for a bundle deal? again ... it would be silly to not .. and again ... 2 days of food right? way to go me! food arrives i dive in ... so good! Hey .. if i don't eat the crusts it's not as bad. I'll toss those to the dogs .. they'll love me for it. oops ... only 2 pieces left. well shit ... i may as well just finish it at this point. so .. yup ... large pizza ... over half a 2 liter, and some other random side dish ... gone ... hide the evidence! now i'm even more depressed for tomorrow .. guess how i'll handle that?

in addition to this, like i said before ... i eat when i'm depressed, i eat when i'm stressed, i make notoriously poor decisions thanks to ADHD ... and don't forget ... I also reward myself with food and celebrate with food. My wife comes home .. YAY ... my love is here! let's go out to dinner and celebrate! 

so ... you can see the issue here ... my life is pretty much .. food, food,food,food,food,food,food

I know the issue is there .. and i know the urges are there. I recognize them ... i feel horrible when i give into them, and if i don't stop feeling sorry for myself, i'll descend into that wonderful downward spiral. Oddly enough .. the Austin Powers movie was extremely wise when it came to the character Fat Bastard. "I get depressed because i eat, and i eat because i'm depressed... it's a vicious cycle" 

that's me in a nutshell ... issues upon issues.. 

I'll end this with my current week's issues. I'm having an extremely busy week with my business, and my kids are at their mom's house for the week .. so I'm home alone. there are fewer more dangerous scenarios for me. See scenario above. Papa Johns ... but .. i got a thin crust because it's not as bad. Still talked myself into the large ... didn't get a side or drink ... small victories i suppose. Still felt like crap after. 

Today for lunch, the wonders of the Little Cesars hot and ready. Lunch and dinner? nope ... polished that thing off :(. 

Sure i knew i shouldn't when i pulled in, but here i am ... it's gone.  tossed the box in the company garbage to avoid discovery. 

Why do i do this? Why do i lie to myself? who knows. it's a mystery. 

I have a great low carb dinner in the crock pot for when i'm off tonight. Wish me luck. 

Hopefully I pull in a couple of followers here .. I'll try to post daily and hold myself accountable by telling followers what i did the previous day. 

Thanks for reading 

Mark