#it would be a stronger story if she was motivated to sacrifice her ‘eternal life’ and ability to come back home to Paradise Island

[daydreamerdrew]

All-Star Comics (1940) #8, published in October 1941

[carinyms]

We're three days from the Loki finale and I’m back to spout more meta and theories about episodes 5 & 6! It’s a long one (again.)

I really enjoyed episode five. People have complained that they felt it didn't do much to move the show forward, but one of the things I've loved most about this show is the time it takes to sit with the characters and learn about their backstory, their feelings. (I'm always a little bugged when critics say that an episode hasn't done enough to move the plot forward, because without adequate character development, why should I care about the plot?) I thought the pacing of it was really well balanced.

….and I have never been so nervous for a finale in my entire life. There’s a lot of reasons.

The first is just the fact that I’ve been waiting for this show for a whole year, and the anticipation and excitement of it literally helped get me through the pandemic--so when those final end credits roll I’m going to be a whole mess no matter what happens. (I really hope the rumors floating around about season two are accurate) I also just feel like it’s somewhat inevitable that this is our final farewell to Tom’s Loki, and like—I’ll never be ready, but especially right now, amidst all the rampant controversy around this show, I’m just not ready to deal with that. I have a *small* modicum of hope that this won't be the case, but it feels unlikely. Anyway, guess I’ll die.

I really want this show to stick the landing, so to say. I loved the last episode, but a lot of the response has been that it felt like a lull in the plot. I want this show to end in a satisfying bang so it can get the credit it deserves.

Also I’m a whole hypocrite eating my words from last week—I’m fully on-board with Loki/Sylvie now (not that I was ever really against it)--I’m not sure why I’m surprised. They’re so adorable and wholesome, and I’m in love with seeing Loki in love. It’s so precious. (Just as a PSA, if you’re not into them that’s chill, and you’re allowed to dislike a ship without trying to justify your opinion by labeling shippers as morally problematic. Selfcest isn’t a real thing, therefore there isn’t a moral high ground to stand on here. Okay? Okay.) Wherever it ultimately leads, their relationship is still a really sweet exploration of them both growing and learning how to love themselves and trust others. Also, them cuddling under a tablecloth is the cutest shit I’ve ever seen with my two eyes.

MY THEORIES:

I love Sylvie so much, SO MUCH — and she is 100% going to stab Loki in the back by the end of the next episode. I don’t think the betrayal is going to stick, and by the end they’ll both be on the same page again, but the conversations on trust have been way too one-sided for my comfort. If nothing else she's going to seriously consider it. Here’s one way I can see that going. Spoiler alert: it hurts.

Sylvie betrays Loki at one point—and we see Loki’s growth and arc come full circle as, even after being betrayed by the person he hinged his entire development around, he still believes in doing the right thing, in saving her regardless. It ends in a heart-wrenching self-sacrifice of some kind, and his actions serve as the catalyst for her full development as well. We keep seeing different versions of Loki die for their ‘glorious purpose’, just like how Classic Loki shouts the phrase as he was consumed by Aloith (RIP King, I love you).

Loki has already called Sylvie his glorious purpose (or inferred it). There’s been backlash around him saying that, but the way I see it, it’s less “I’m obsessed with this girl she’s my purpose now” and more “I believe that she’s the best version of us and I’m going to make it my purpose to help her succeed and be what the rest of us aren’t”. That’s why seeing all the other variant Loki’s at their worst in the Loki clubhouse (? what do I call this lol) only fuels him more to find her. I think about what Mobius told him: “You exist to cause pain and suffering and death, all so others can achieve the best versions of themselves”. I don’t think Loki truly believes he can be the best version of Loki — I think he saw Sylvie and thought, "it's her". He’s decided he’s going to help her achieve the best version of herself, but he'll do it giving her love and trust and devotion, rather than through betrayal, pain and suffering. He’s re-writing his pre-determined role, in his own small way. I’m so proud of him.

So who’s behind it all and what’s truly going on here? (This isn’t really one theory, more like a string of possibilities and I don’t really know how they’d fit together.)

I still think it’s another version of Loki. And if it is, I can’t help but appreciate the connections between his position dictating the end of time in the show in relation to Loki’s role in the Norse myths, where he’s the catalyst for the destruction of all things. It feels relevant, considering the whole idea that ‘the end of time hasn’t been written yet’ has come up twice now. That would be a fascinating tie-in to the mythology. (Also—Alioth looks like a giant dog. And Fenrir’s role in Ragnarok was devouring the world—I realize this is a reach but am I the only person seeing this connection?) The thing I really can’t predict is the motivation. What would cause a Loki to want to prevent Loki’s from changing? Was there something that happened in the sacred timeline this Loki is trying to preserve? (I also like the idea of us maybe seeing another version of Sylvie behind it all, but I’m just going to leave that rabbit hole alone. )

But here’s the theory I can’t stop thinking about. There’s a theory floating around tik tok (by user twelvepercentcredit) saying the ‘castle’ we see beyond Alioth looks like a place called the House of Ideas, something that appeared in a (discontinued?) Loki comic. Here’s the wiki page on it. Just looking at the imagery of this compared to the location we’re seeing in the trailers, it’s too similar to be a coincidence. The huge bookshelves, the towering ceilings.

Here’s a description from the wiki:

“The House of Ideas is also home to a library which archives the exploits of every hero who has ever existed in the form of books, written unconsciously by the collective minds of their believers. This collection is curated by Now and Then, two of the children of Eternity. Now and Then routinely seek out heroes to bring into the House of Ideas to bargain with them and give their collections more pages, therefore more time for adventures and exploits. “

And later on the page on how Loki ties in:

“Heeding the desire in Loki's heart to do more with his life, Now and Then approached Loki and brought him to the House of Ideas,[5] where they struck up with him the deal to give more pages to his collection of exploits, rewriting the Books of Loki with a hero's stories in exchange for an eventual hero's death.”

Are they gonna play with the exact happenings of this? I don't know, but it sounds pretty cool!

It would be gutsy to go this route with the show given how meta it is, but I love the idea of it. Would they put characters that embody the abstract ideas of “Eternity” “Now & Then” into the show in the last episode? I’m not sure. Something I could see as a possibility though is an alternate version of Loki having overthrown whoever was previously guarding the timeline, and Loki and Sylvie will have to take them down in turn, thus ‘releasing’ the multiverse to its default, chaotic state.

What if our Loki’s ultimate destiny, ultimate Glorious Purpose, is to release the timelines--restoring all the variants back to their original timelines--and remain in this place for eternity, guarding the timeline and ensuring the multiverse is allowed to exist in its natural state? It seems a pretty fitting role for the God of Chaos. It would also explain why whoever’s behind the TVA would be so desperate to eliminate all variant Loki, if that was his ultimate destiny.

It would be an effective way to remove Hiddleston’s Loki from the movie-verse without killing him, AND place both Sylvie and any other Loki variants back in the the main timeline for use in future films—which we know has to happen somehow, because Young Avengers is definitely happening, and Kid Loki has got to get out of the void somehow.

And yea, this outcome would hurt like a bitch. Because even though that would truly be a lovely glorious purpose for our Loki, he’d be alone. And the whole point of this show is that he doesn’t have to be alone! It would be a very poetic sacrifice for him to take on the burden of watching over the timelines alone for all eternity so that his other variants could be the best versions of themselves, but I really just want him to be happy. I will be crying my eyes out if this happens. I’ll be proud but I won’t be okay.

And this all is probably speculative nonsense and could go off in an entirely different direction. Who knows. All in all, I just really want to see Loki fully believe in himself and his ability, to truly absorb what he said about being stronger than he realizes, and to take control of his destiny.

WHAT I WANT (NEED) FROM EPISODE 6:

Let Hunter B-15 and Mobius team up to burn the place to the ground. She was nerfed in the time-keeper fight, I want to see B-15 kick some ass.

I kind of want Ravonna to escape and be a character that carries over into the films for her tie-ins with Kang? I want to see more of her.

Give Loki a new badass costume. I’m begging. If he’s gonna go down, he deserves to go down in something other than khakis.

And then I want to see him and Sylvie fighting side by side in matching outfits.

I want a Mobius-level hug between them. Or a kiss. Or both. But I want the hug more. And you know what? I want her to initiate the hug or kiss or whatever it is because I want Loki to experience receiving love and affection from others as much as giving it. He deserves it ok??

I expect Mobius on a jet ski in the post credits and if I don’t get it I riot

@marvel these are my demands.

As always, if you've made it this far I'd love to hear your thoughts!

[moosash]

𝑾𝒆𝒂𝒕𝒉𝒆𝒓𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝑾𝒊𝒕𝒉 𝒀𝒐𝒖: 𝙰 𝙵𝚒𝚕𝚖 𝙰𝚗𝚊𝚕𝚢𝚜𝚒𝚜

// PREFACE //

This animated movie just literally blew me away and continues to blow me away that it’s still quite unclear to me why. Maybe it has something to do with the way Makoto Shinkai is able to craft and intertwine breathtaking animations with RADWIMPS’ ever-so-emotional compositions in order to tell a heartwarming story in a series of slowly unraveling sequences and dialogues that properly render the magic, emotion and reality in the plot. This is categorized into the 3 main thoughts and points I saw throughout the film.

These are all my personal takes on the topics discussed below, but you are VERY WELCOME to comment your thoughts, as well!

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// SYNOPSIS //

A boy runs away to Tokyo and befriends a girl who appears to be able to manipulate the weather.

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copyright © 2020 by @brain-pickings (tumblr)

About the Gun

We see Hodaka use the gun in two situations. The first was when he was tackled to the floor while trying to “save” Hina who, at that time, was looking for a high paying job, and the second situation was when Mr. Kei was trying to get him to call saving Hina quits. In both situations, he points it at his target probably to impose a threat, shoots, barely misses, and afterwards, he hurls the gun away with guilt and disgust.My point here is that maybe these scenes wanted to imply that no matter how good or bad your intention was in using a weapon (or anything used to harm in general), it’s still quite bad and you can be held at fault. This also applies to real life crises. Think of it the same way as a white lie —it may be for a good cause but it is still, in fact, a lie.

Keisuke Suga’s Past

It was mentioned that Keisuke’s wife died in an accident and I noticed that whenever the oddity of the weather was being mentioned, he would fiddle with his wedding ring.My guess on this is that his wife was also a former Weather Maiden. Since Natsumi was able to take a picture of Kei, his wife and his daughter, it might’ve already been known that his daughter can’t go out in the rain because of asthma. Maybe her mother wanted her to have a little bit of fun outside and happened to be in the same hospital as the one Hina stayed in with her mother, then she happened to wind up in the same shrine while praying for sunshine and became the next Human Sacrifice for the weather. Then, probably, she did decide to sacrifice herself, maybe for her daughter’s good.This might’ve also been the motive that caused him to discourage Hodaka from trying to save Hina, because of that bitterness. Later on though, he realized that he probably didn’t want Hodaka to make the same mistake and therefore decided to help hold down authorities so he can still save Hina.

Being the “Sunshine Girl”

The way I understood/comprehended the plot’s possibly non-existent underlying meaning may be a little far-fetched, but I think that Weathering with You is about sacrificing one’s self for other people’s happiness to the point of forgetting that it’s okay to just exist.Pertaining to Hina’s usage of her ability as the Weather Maiden to pause the eternal downpour in Tokyo, I noticed that they never made it sunny for themselves (Hina, Hodaka and Nagi). They made a living out of satisfying other people’s requests for sunshine, which can be translated into making other people happy. There’s a scene wherein Hina thanked Hodaka for helping her find her purpose in life, which was to bring happiness/sunshine to others, but since then, I knew that Hina was pushing herself too much to the brink of extinction just because she wanted to fulfill the only role she knew of. To add to that, she also said, “I kept working as the sunshine girl because I was happy to make people smile.” In a way, this can be compared to some modern day jobs where people let their work consume their lives because they think that they would be happier with all their income and material stuff—basically, Hina’s gradual disappearance is, I think, the movie’s version of a burnout. And because of the accumulation of this mindset, the scene where Hodaka says to Hina while falling from the sky, | “Who cares if we don’t see the sunshine again? I want you more than any blue sky.” has a stronger emotional power and is typically one of the scenes where I got goosebumps (with the Great Escape and all), is because that was the pivotal and most warming part of the film wherein Hina’s existence not just as the “Human Sacrifice”, but as a 15-year old girl, living in Tokyo, surrounded with people who treasure her most, was strongly acknowledged by somebody whose opinion mattered most to her.

Definitely a must watch.

[ultimaa]

About Shingeki no Kyojin 125 - Theories and ramblings.

Annie and her New Year's resolutions.

More than one we looked forward to Annie's return and I am deeply glad that our favorite blondie has already left her glass prison, but why has Annie returned? What are your purposes? Well, she makes it clear in her conversation with Hitch: go back to her father. We know that Annie appreciates her father more than anyone in the world; if she had to do all the atrocities she did to return to her father, she would do it again. It's not that Annie is bad, but, as Nietzsche said: “Whatever is done for love always occurs beyond good and evil.” Human nature is like that, and Annie knows that she has committed unforgivable sins. She is not proud, but she will not punish herself. SnK's world is cruel, but if there is something that represents love and kindness, it is family: Eren swore to avenge his mother; Mikasa lost her parents, but found similar figures in the Jaegers; Armin lost his grandfather; Reiner wanted to become a warrior for his father to return to his mother; Connie, who lost his family because of Zeke, is willing to sacrifice Falco, a poor child, to recover his mother... Annie's motivation is deeply human and reminds me of John Marston, protagonist of Red Dead Redemption. John had only one goal: to hunt his old friends, who were outlaws, so that the Government would return him to his family. If Abigail and Jack, his wife and son, had been killed, what would have happened to John? We will never know, but when John is killed by government agents, his son Jack takes revenge a few years later, continuing the cycle of violence and death. In the end, John... loses, because his son has become a criminal.

If Mr. Leonhardt dies, something I see very possible under the circumstances, what will happen to Annie? Her great goal has vanished. Nothing makes sense anymore. If even the most sacred and beloved has died, what should Annie do? We meet like this with someone whose life has no direction. Someone who has lost beauty in a devastated and corrupted world. It is the seed of nihilism. Isayama is not characterized by fulfilling the dreams of his protagonists, not in the way that the viewer wants: yes, Armin reaches the sea, but what does this mean? It is the beginning of the end. The human being needs to cling to dreams, turn his back on reality to continue existing in it; however... What happens when nothing makes sense anymore? It is absurd, it is hopeless. It is something that could knock the strongest. According to Albert Camus, someone who has lost the meaning of his life has only three options: suicide, clinging to God or... continuing in the absurd, rebelling against it, turning life into an act of rebellion against nonsense. So, in the hypothetical case of his father dying, what should Annie do? Should he act like Jack Marston and continue the violence? I do not think so. Annie doesn't enjoy killing. Her face witnessing Marco's death is good proof of that. Annie must find a new purpose: end the violence, with that barbaric world that takes away what you love. Understand that she has lost everything, but not everything is lost. While something is at stage, we must continue fighting. In Red Dead Redemption II, Arthur Morgan knows his end is near; the love of his life has left and Dutch, the man who gave him a home and a direction, has become a mad and heartless man. However, not everything is lost. He can still save some (including John Marston and his family, as RDR II is a prequel to the first game) and he succeeds. Arthur finishes his story as a redeemed character; he, who had spent his entire life killing, lying and stealing, ends up redeeming himself. However, Arthur Morgan was not seeking self-redemption, but a future for others. It's something we can apply to Annie. His final role cannot consist in returning with his father and being happy. We know Isayama: God is more likely to come down to Earth.

Connie, Falco and a decisive meeting.

And if Annie can aspire to redemption, Connie is willing to morally condemn himself. Come on, we all know that Falco is not meant to be titan food. Connie, in addition to the prankster par excellence with Sasha, is a character with a story as tragic as any other: he lost everything, but the possibility of recovering his mother gives him hope. But sacrifice Falco? Is Connie able to do something like that? I do not think so. Connie is human; Anger and revenge are very human things, but so is understanding. Connie will abandon his plan sooner or later, when he accepts that, beyond the vessel of one of Titan's powers, Falco is just a child. A child, like his siblings. A child who is not guilty. A boy who, like him, has lost his brother and his friends. Taking into account that Connie, along with Sasha, cried when they faced Reiner during the Return to Shigansina, we must understand that he is a sensitive and empathetic character, blinded by anger and the possibility of recovering a loved one. Armin and Gabi go in search of them, but will their intervention be necessary? Mikasa warns Armin that they won't be able to reach Connie; indeed, I don't think they reach it. Armin, Gabi, Hanji, Levi, Magath, Pieck, Connie and Falco are more likely to meet. Remember that, because when it happens I will come to brag hehehe. What if they meet? The cocktail would be fantastic. They may be Paradise's last hope. Also, I want to see the reunion of Falco and Gabi; because they are very cute and deserve it. How much do we bet that Gabi ends up crying like a baby while hugging Falco? And with that confession at the last minute, I wouldn't be surprised if Isayama felt romantic and gave us a kiss between them. Imagine the faces of adults. I may be delirious, but if it happens... here I will be, again, with ‘I told you so’.

On the other hand, such a reunion can return hope to Armin. Levi, who is the strongest soldier of all time, the Messi of Paradise (yes, I had to make the comparison sorry CR7), is alive; fatally wounded, but alive. In addition, Hanji, who represents leadership, is also fine. With these two pieces again on the chess board, it is possible to trace the game. In addition, Hanji and Levi's encounter with Magath and Pieck constitutes a point of union between Erdia and Marley. In the end, it seems that yhe idea of Eren as the final and unifying enemy of humanity begins to make sense, even if he has not proposed it. After all, if you can't with your enemy... join him against something much worse.

Jean and Mikasa: replacements.

While we know that the commander and the eternal captain are alive, Jean and Mikasa believe otherwise. Well, if I were one of these two, I could only think one thing: WE'RE FUCKED. Fortunately, Isayama has wanted these two to receive the fatal (and false) news. It's not by chance. Nothing is. We know Jean Kirstein and Mikasa Ackerman well; I could say that we have grown up with them. Jean, a guy who started out as an arrogant bastard and who soon revealed his impressive leadership ability; Mikasa, a woman with a force only inferior to Captain Levi. Well, here I go: Jean must take over from Hanji and Mikasa from Levi. We have seen a practically shattered Jean, almost subjected to Folch; However, Mikasa, despite her situation, remains more or less well, keeping a level head. Don't get me wrong: she's pretty screwed, but she seems better than Jean now. During the battle of Trost there is a critical moment: the gas is running out and everyone is going to die. Then Mikasa arrived and, far from being blocked by Eren's supposed death, he tried to motivate them in her own way, you know: I am strong, much stronger than you. We already know that Mikasa is a woman of few words, but her message was enough to encourage Jean and the others. Yes, the current Mikasa is not the Mikasa of ninety chapters ago, but her character has reached a key point: she has to take the reins, think for herself. Only they can stop Folch and handle the situation in Shigansina. Their characters need it. Hanji is a leader, yes, but Jean has much more potential; Mikasa is not Levi, but she is an Ackerman, the only one capable of fighting, and in these four years she has been able to perfect her skill. If these two start working well together, they can be a lethal and decisive combo.

Louise and the scarf.

Well, if a scarf is not in your closet on a cold winter day it may not mean anything important: it may be in the washing machine, with the other clothes. However, Mikasa Ackerman's scarf is not just any scarf, but it contains crucial values ​​and stories for her... and for Eren. The scarf has taken a very important role during the last arc and has now disappeared, Louise has taken it. And it's normal, because Mikasa is her idol. Well, we all know what meanings the scarf has, which represents positive values ​​in a world like Shingeki no Kyojin. The scarf has no place in the current situation; everyone is hopeless and crestfallen, dejected and defeated. And when will the scarf return? I have read the following theory out there: Eren will find Louise's unrecognizable corpse and believe it is Mikasa, recovering the scarf and feeling like real shit. Yes, that would be a possibility of fulfilling what our boy said in chapter 50. The scarf will return when the barbarity ceases, when that beauty returns, in the words of Mikasa, who lives in a cruel world. And we know that it will return due to the first panel of chapter 1 of the manga, Eren's mysterious dream.

I'm sorry if I have grammatical mistakes: English is not my mother tongue.

[anonymouskar]

Existential pain, the journey to proper living, art and love

The last post I made on here sucked. And for a long time I’ve had no desire to write anything with more insight or honesty at all. I often want to write on here after I’ve had my fits of desperate crying. This is just a ramble of thougths I’m having these last few days. I can’t structure them properly.

Long ass, depressing text (be careful exposing yourself to such negativity, haha):

I think I have been depressed for months. I always intuitively understood depression as a reaction to life circumstances that denied your true self. I’m not at all convinced it is a medical condition. It comes when you have no proof of the parts of you that redeem the pain of being you. It comes when life doesn’t validate your worth. And I think that is mostly due to a lack of social belonging, especially in our digital, individualistic time. No tribe.

To me, we seem to be split in two. One part of us that holds the eternal, spiritual, connected and secure us, and one that holds the conscious, animal, isolated ego us. I don’t think either of these are more “true”. I don’t subscribe to any philosophy that puts one over the other. I had a tragedy happen to me, and it blocked me from living in the animal ego world. To overcome it I had to sacrifice, and I had to face everything I was most afraid of. I did it to be able to live in the natural world. I know that is why I did it. I did it because that was the only way I could manifest in that world. I didn’t do it because I thought it would make me happy, really. I did it just to make myself possible.

We all have loads to carry. And we all know with outselves that we are deeply flawed. I know about myself that I’m scared, perverted, spiteful, jealous, limited, ugly, stinking. We all know this about ourselves. It makes it hard to love ourselves. I’m not sure loving yourself is even possible. I’ve tried so much self-help in attempts to reach that, I’ve tried strengthening my ego, I’ve tried deconstructing it, I’ve tried to examine my unconscious, I’ve tried grounding myself in my body, I’ve tried alone, I’ve tried with others, I’ve tried to be stoic, I’ve tried reprogramming my unconscious. But I still can’t reach the conclusion: I am worthy. In fact I think I’m totally unworthy. And I also think that about almost every other person. Because when I look around, I see despair, dysfunction, fear - but in that I see what is beautiful, too. I love others because they are limited, scared, voulnerable. And I can appretiate that in myself, but I still don’t see worthyness.

It remains to me a total mystery that someone can just know they are worthy. Worthy of love, connection, recognition. It’s a mystery to me that someone can know that about themselves. I can’t comprehend ever living like that. Like I’m a man someone I like could want. Or that I’m someone anybody could want to live with. In fact, when people who have initially liked me, and invited me to them, I’ve always seemed to massively dissapoint them. Too shy to open up. Too scared to stand sexual tension. Too self-hating to be patient with. Too quiet to be entertained with. Too passive to excite. I dissapoint, disgust and bore.

I didn’t think I would find myself crying myself to sleep at this point. I’m 23, I’ve gotten my life somewhat in order. Seen from the outside I have every reason to smile now, compared to before. I’ve grown a beautiful beard, I’m built and slim. I look better than I ever have. I sometimes think I’m sexy. I dress well. I paint better than I ever have before, I’m in better shape than ever. I know more now than ever. I’ve taken responsability for my own life and earn my own living doing something I enjoy. I have enough money now to spend on things that should inspire me. But I look around at my paintings, and all I see is failed attempts. I found myself thinking exactly that. “Fucking ugly failed attempts”. It’s harder than ever for me to paint, because I know I will end up hating every single painting. There are two paintings I’ve ever made that I love, and those are exactly the ones I’m ashamed to show anyone because they are kitschy clishes. I’m a clishe.

I tried as good as I could manage, where I was at, to live, but I always end up looking back at failed attempts. And as long as I can go back and somehow attempt to correct them, I still have hope, but it rarely helps. As long as there is progress, right? But if the progress never gets you there anyways? When has progress ever gotten us anywhere good? “I’m making progress”, well, isn’t that just an empty hope? Isn’t hope just a reason to prolong suffering?

Hope has been such a defining word in my life. It’s has been the reason I bothered to go on. I’ve never seriously contemplated taking my own life, but I’ve had fantasies of dying. On a plane for example, I’d imagine being relieved if it crashed. Don’t think I could ever sit in a moment with myself and decide to die, but maybe accepting it with a sigh of relief if death came to me.

The way I can most accurately describe how it feels to live right now, is swimming in the ocean. I’m just keeping my head over water, if I constantly swim. And it’s not that I see anywhere to swim to, I’m merely motivated by my absolute fear of sinking into despair underneath me. The ocean is made up of resignation from life. It’s where I came from. I swam up so that I could give myself a chance to experience life. And around me, I see others doing the same, but they all seem to have something to hold onto. A piece of wood, a direction, another person, an island even. Something to give them some relief.

I was told you could choose in life. You could choose to pursue what made you happy. Isn’t that the great narrative of this era. “Become the best version of yourself, be true to yourself and become happy at last”. Well, for one it seems to me that we have almost no control over our own choices. I’m sceptical to free will. Because how can I choose my desires? How can I choose my temperament? How can I choose my choices? What leads me to act as I do seems to me to be totally beyond me. Those are forces that are ancient, mysterious and so much stronger than me. Believe me, I’ve tried. I’ve tried to reprogram myself. I’ve tried that by constructing a life that would demonstrate to me who I could be. I’ve tried to narrate my own story. I’ve asked myself “What do you want to experience?”, and I’ve tried to pursue that.

And you could ask, why force it? Why outline expectations of a life experience? Why seek out experience? Well, what other reason would there be to come to this life, than to experience? I WANT to exerience. I deeply want to. I want to experience connection, love, sex, friendship, passion. I want to fuck a woman like a man. I want to smile and look at her tenderly. I want to be a father to a child. I want to travel somwhere with a family. I want to go on hikes. I want to paint good paintings. I want to drive a car to my house. I want to have a garden and see my wife work in it while she sings to herself. I want to walk out of the shower with her in the room. I’m willing to pay for these things with years of pain. That is another life lesson I’ve learned. You have to pay for everything that is good, with pain. But I don’t see myself getting closer to it. “Progress”. Aren’t these the things that matter in life? If I died now, I know I’d think about my moments of greatest intimate connection and intimacy. I would think of smiles, glances, touch, voulnerable words shared. So, that is what I want to experience, because I think this IS what truly matters. I think it is what almost every person alive is mostly concerned with. Connection.

What upsets me most, lately, is my constant ruminations on my failed romance. Again and again and endlessly I blame myself for it all. I think back on all the oppertunities that presented themselves to me. She forgave my foolish mistakes again and again. I did everything wrong in the book, and still she came back. I said self-defeating things, I teased her too much, I was unclear in my communication, I was weak and afraid, endlessly insecure, I talked to much, I self-pitied, I over-shared. Did everything wrong. When I looked at her, alone in a room, when the atmosphere was tender and I melted inside because she was so oddly familiar and curious and beautiful. I looked away and acted cold because I was afraid of rejection. And I ended up making her reject me because I rejected myself. And I hate myself more for doing that. I never learned to stop, I just learned to hate myself more. Now when I see her I can see how she wants away from me. She is awkward. Maybe she’s ashamed too. I can’t do anything about it. But it makes me cry every time. I think I still love her. Stupid me, I love her. I love how she is. I saw a promise in her when I first met her. I found something that felt like I could belong to. I connected. I attatched myself. I thought she could nurture me, like people who matter nurture each other. It’s no shame in that, is there? Is there shame in needing validation and nurturing? Isn’t that what we all do?

Then why did I fail? If I fail again and again, in sexual, romantic encounters, then surely it’s me, and I should understand it personally, right? It’s not constant bad luck. I take it personally because it demonstrates how I can’t be who I wanted to experience life as, no matter how hard I try. And it’s a total mystery to me how someone can just accept love. They don’t know how lucky they are. Every person who has ever had someone knew that they were worthy, loveable, no matter how dysfunctional the relationship.

I don’t know that, and life demonstrates to me that I’m not.

[seokoloqy]

X-Files / jjk pt. 1

Genre: Grim Reaper!AU

Pairing: Jungkook x Y/N

Warning: minor charactor death

Word Count: 2.5K

Part 1/ Part 2 

Summary: There is a sliver of heaven that is cloaked in darkness, a territory, belonging to those who conquer and destroy the innocent souls entangled in their sticky web of cruelty and deceit. To be free of the monsters would mean a price, a promise, for something in return; the price of another innocent life in place of yours.  The weak, pitiful minds of men can be manipulated to believe that immortality can be achieved through the sacrifice of others. The slaughter of innocent lambs to fuel the fire of their selfish desire brings out the monstrous creatures trapped within every man. Where blood is spilled, death will follow with a vengeance for justice. He will inflict pain on men who foolishly believe they have the power to control life and death.

“We’ve got a case.” Your monotone partner in crime, Detective Min Yoongi, tossed a file down onto your desk and took a long sip of his freshly brewed coffee. “Here’s a copy.” He said, shoving another folder into your purse without permission.

You picked up the thick folder filled with the gruesome photos of a killer’s latest victim. You spread the contents of the folder out on your desk and read the new report aloud.

“According to an eyewitness, a man was spotted in a cemetery standing over a young girl with an axe in hand when out of the blue another man appeared behind him like,” you looked up at Yoongi quizzically, he gestured for you to continue. “...magic. The strange man then proceeded to grab onto the unsuspecting man’s neck and suffocate him to death.”

The story became stranger as you continued to read. Witnesses say the victims are all grabbed by the neck as if they were being strangled, but photos of the victims tell otherwise. They were all decomposed corpses by the time an officer was at the scene within the hour. It was impossible and unexplainable for someone to rot so quickly as if they had been dead for years. The man behind these bizarre deaths was nowhere to be found after the events nor could any of his physical features be described. It was like he did not exist.

You sat in mortified silence as you stole a glance at Yoongi. He seemed to be heavily focused on the corpses in the photo as he took another sip of his coffee. He really believed the whole story, magic and all. Finally, you broke the silence.

“Yoongi, why do you trust eyewitness accounts from complete crack heads? No one appears out of thin air and completely sucks the life out of someone. It’s- It’s science fiction! Why do you always insist on taking cases plucked right out of an X-Files episode? Can’t we do something, I don’t know, real?” It wasn’t the first time your partner dropped a case on your desk that sounded like a wild goose chase. There was a vampire out stealing blood from hospitals, some ghoul terrorizing the nightlife, an extremely hairy man that looked like a werewolf prancing around town, it was a never-ending cycle of supernatural with Yoongi. There was a reason he hadn’t been fired yet, he was extremely good at his job when he wasn’t out hunting cryptids. These were only the cases he took on during his free time.

“I have an idea of what it could be, but not its motives.” He said, ignoring your rant. He pushed aside the police records and the coroner's autopsy reports to pull out a photo torn from a book. It was a skeleton in black robes carrying a scythe.

“The grim reaper.” You scoffed, grabbing your bag and making your way to the elevators. You have had enough of his nonsense for one day and wanted nothing more than to relax at home with a glass of wine.“So, what? He’s coming to take people’s souls?”

You stepped onto the elevators with a sardonic laugh and pressed the ground floor button. Before the doors could close, Yoongi pushed the doors aside with one hand and looked at you from under his dark fringe.

“Laugh all you want, but I’m not joking Y/N.” He scowled and released the elevator doors. He still clutched the photo in his hands. It was a reaper and he was sure of it whether Y/N would believe it or not.

Daylight was approaching and just as the sun rose over the horizon a panic set into the quiet town. The mangled and tortured body of Cornelius Mason Cavitch, otherwise know as Eli to his peers, was found buried in a shallow grave dug up in the town cemetery. The town was already buzzing with the news of Eli’s horrific death by sunrise. His grieving family could not step outside without hearing about the way their son’s body was found rotting in the Earth with his heart missing from his gaping chest. The town was in mass hysteria. Who could do something like this? Was it a stranger who drifted into town undetected? In a small town where everyone knew everyone, crimes like these didn’t just happen to star high school athletes like Eli. The town buzzed with only one question after Eli’s death. Would it happen again? And it did.

The same town, the same crime brought up the idea that Jungkook was dealing with a serial killer. He despised them for what they did. Taking away the innocent lives of men, women, and children too quickly and creating the unnecessary work of cleaning up the mess of bodies they left behind.

As he walked the path towards his destination he heard only the crunch of his footsteps and soft rainfall as he walked on the dead grass of the town cemetery. In the Halfway everything was dead. It was another plane of existence where life did not exist. Only the dead or soon to be dead could be found in the Halfway. As a reaper, Jungkook could exist in the Living and Halfway planes of existence.

As Jungkook strolled down the dead path he spotted the latest victim of the town’s infamous killer. There she was, kneeling in the freshly dug grave with her hands and fingernails covered in soil. She thrust her hands back into the muddy Earth and let out a sob that echoed across the emptiness of the graveyard. No one in the Halfway could save her and no one in the Living would dare to either.

Do not interfere with death. A reaper’s number one rule, but it was impossible for Jungkook to resist the temptation. These heathens deserved to die at the hands of their greatest weapon. Jungkook refused to be a slave to those who inflict pain and suffering onto undeserving souls. He would rip the souls from the bodies of the damned and throw them into the flaming pits of Hell where they would rot for all eternity.  

“Please...don’t.” The girl sobbed to no one he could see. She pleaded with the invisible man and begged for her life. It was just her luck that a disobedient reaper was strolling up the path to greet her. She would see him come up behind the man, a wave of relief would flood over her as she sees her hero, then Jungkook would enter the land of the Living and wrap his hands around the thick neck of her would be killer and suck the life out of him. The girl would scream and the fear she once felt for the man laying, dead, on the cold ground would come back stronger than ever. She would be terrified of Jungkook because he was death and death was feeling rebellious.

“Let us help you with this case! It sounds fun.” Jimin grabbed onto your blazer and pouted with his puppy dog eyes which were easy to fall for. Jimin could get you to buckle under any circumstance with those brown eyes begging for attention. It worked when you were children and it worked now at 21.

“I don’t know how you can help. It’s going to be hard without a real suspect.” You sighed, rubbing your temples and slouching back into the worn out couch. Yoongi wasn’t going to let go of this case anytime soon and you weren’t getting anywhere with it. There were no solid leads and the girl who was rescued from the scene couldn’t form coherent sentences for the officers to get a good enough understanding of what had taken place.

“Oh, come on Y/N that’s quitter talk and you’re no quitter.” Hoseok slapped you on the back and gave you an encouraging smile. You could tell he was trying to uplift your sour mood.

Working with a man who believes in the supernatural was proving to be hard work. You had only been partners with him for several months after his last partner had been murdered while they were tracking a suspect who caught wind of their investigation. Yoongi was reluctant to take on a bright-eyed and ready partner so soon after the incident and would distance himself by sending you on coffee runs often. Until one day you had proven yourself by catching a killer in under a week. You were unsure if proving yourself to Yoongi was any better than bringing him coffee every day and being ignored as he buried himself in casework. Now he trusted you with all his unusual cases and had you working from dusk till dawn chasing after everything that went bump in the night.

Reluctantly, you handed the file over to Jimin and sat back while he scanned the documents and photos. There were a few gasps and gagging at the sight of the rotting bodies. Jimin had snuck a few peeks over your shoulders to look at other crime scene photos before but none of them compared to the ones in his hands. Their bodies were rotten flesh, almost slipping off the bone and paler than paper. Their eyes caved in until they were just dark crevices. Their faces were unrecognizable and skeleton-like with hollowed out cheekbones.  

“What the hell could do something like this?” Jimin questioned as he continued flipping through the photos. On cue, a photo of Yoongi’s grim reaper fell out. Hoseok reached down to grab it, he took one look at the picture and laughed.

“Is this what you’re looking for, Y/N?” Hoseok reached out to pass you the photo but it was snatched from his hands by Jimin. Hoseok gave him a warning look.

“Sorry,” Jimin muttered. “But I think I know how to find your killer.”

After a ridiculous 30 minute Google search of grim reapers, Jimin declared he could take you to what the internet called ‘the Halfway’ through some dark web magic he read off a website.

“You’re insane, Park Jimin! There’s no way in hell some random spell you took off the internet written by twelve-year-olds is going to work.” You groaned. “And since when did you start believing in this nonsense too? I thought you were the one who nicknamed Yoongi the witch hunter.”

Jimin stared at the website intently and did not acknowledge you until your rant was over. He calmly turned towards you with his puppy dog eyes and smiled. “We should at least cover every option Y/N.”

You had no idea how you ended up sitting in a circle surrounded by candles and strange symbols, holding hands with Jimin and Hoseok. You reluctantly agreed to follow along with their plan, no matter how ridiculous, just to cross off the possibility of the killer actually being a grim reaper.

“Close your eyes, Y/N.” Hoseok whispered and concentrated on the foreign chant falling from Jimin’s lips.

Rolling your eyes, you played along and relaxed yourself thinking you’d be there for a while. You focused on the strange words Jimin repeated from the glowing laptop screen. He never stumbled over any words or slowed down to pronounce them. It sounded like he had recited it before, but that was ridiculous. Jimin never took interest in magic or the supernatural. The closest he’s ever gotten was dressing up as a vampire for Halloween when they were children but that was it.

As your thoughts drifted Jimin finished his spell and there was an eerie silence following.

“Jimin? Hoseok?” You called and there was no response. Their hands were gone and left you with a cold loneliness. You opened your eyes to find your same apartment but there were no lights, the candles were unlit, and Jimin and Hoseok nowhere to be found.

“Ha-ha,” you mocked, looking around your apartment for any sign of the two boys. It was quiet in the living room so you tiptoed into the kitchen expecting to find them crouched behind your counter, but they were not there.

“This isn’t funny guys. I’m not going to fall for your dumb prank so easily.” You called into the echoing darkness.

The moon had risen overhead and shone behind you, casting a white glow around the room. There was nothing but silence in response and the eeriness sent a shiver up your spine. Not even the bustling nightlife echoed in your ears. You rushed to the window and looked below where there was no one in sight walking the streets or cars whizzing by. You had forgotten about Jimin and Hoseok when you raced out the door to figure out what had happened to everyone. There was no way that a silly spell Jimin found on the internet could have been real. It was impossible.

“Hello? Anyone there?” You called out to no one. The sound of your shoes crunching the dead leaves under your feet responded to your desperate cries. The usually vibrant trees outside your apartment complex were all bare and stripped of leaves. Street lamps and store lights were lit but not a soul in sight. A blue glow from the cafe sign illuminated your path enough to see the empty streets.

“Where is your reaper?” A voice answered from the dark alleyway. You spun around towards the source of the voice and a man walked out from the shadows. You stood stricken by the scowl on his face. The brown hair pushed away from his face displayed the dark expression he wore.

“R-reaper?” You repeated.

Could this man be as crazy as Yoongi and Jimin? He didn’t look suspicious in a white tee shirt and blue denim jeans.  

The man surged forwards suddenly and he stood in front of you intimidatingly. Close enough for you to feel the heat radiating off his body and the smell of his cologne stung your nostrils. You lifted your hand to shove him away and tried telling him off for invading your personal space. Before your palm could touch the fabric of his shirt, he leapt away as if you would give him the plague.

“What do you think you’re doing?” He hissed, grabbing hold of your wrist.

His hand sent a shock throughout your body and everything was numb. You could feel yourself grow weaker like the life was being drawn out of you. You fell to your knees, unable to support yourself any longer. Air could not reach your lungs. It had you gasping for breath desperately. Soon the world turned into a blur.

As soon as Jungkook realized that you were not dead, he released your arm immediately. How could someone belonging to the Living be in the Halfway? He wanted to reach out and ask you how you ended up in the Halfway but if he touched you again he would risk killing you. His only choice was to call the angel.

Your face hit the pavement and just before your eyes shut, you heard a deep soothing voice whisper, “You’ll be alright, sweetheart.”

[white-queen-lacus]

Opinion on haylijah in the finale

Hi anon! :)

Well, I havevery opposed feelings on this finale. I have not written a reviewyet, but thank you for having asked my opinion.To be honest, myproblem is not with the story itself, but with the reasons assertedby JP/CMK and lately, MN, regarding how this relationship is abusive,so let’s kill it off. I have already said that there is nothingabusive in HE relationship. Both have Always been aware of theirnature, there were moments when both have reconsidered theirrelationship (when Hayley became a hybrid, when Elijah chose to letHayley go and marrying Jackson, just saying) but to me, it is prettyinconsistent to start a season with Hayley doing the impossible tosave him (and of course, their family), saying “I have alwaysthought only of you” and then make her suddenly scared of him andclosing their relationship because the “original” Elijah is amonster and he cannot be representative of a healthy relationshipbecause he is like Trump. Come on, three seasons of growing love,trust and light erased by political influences which are totallydetached from the story.So, from a “director choice” point of view,I cannot accept the way this couple has been treated. From anarrative point of view, I am ok with Elijah’s decision. When Ifirst read the spoilers, I said that it would have been totally OOCfor Elijah to ask Marcel to be compelled and run away from his oath,family and of course, from Hayley. Elijah is a man who respects hisoaths, even if this means puts them before his own happiness. I don’tentirely believe that this is the reason why Elijah has been a keeperfor so long (as Klaus called him), because I think that it is inElijah’s nature, as for Freya, to be so protective at the cost ofsacrificing his chances to be happy. The fact that he chose to becompelled made me think about how much Elijah was broken. The priceof the spell was the worst they could have paid, Klaus in primisbecause he has lost his daughter for good (until next season indeed)and there will be no way, for Elijah, to do what for nature he can doif the circumstances require somebody to stop Klaus from succumbingto darkness again. And even if I am talking about Klelijah now,everything is inked to Hayley too. Elijah has understood thathis ”disease” is stronger than everything. But is it reallylike so? I don’t think so. Elijah is broken hearted. He, again,is not able to relate with pain. He feels guilty. He is reallycertain that he is a monster who underserves love, because he cannotstop himself (or well, the "original” vampire) fromattacking Hayley. He really believes they were “doomed”(and now I can really understand the definition of star crossedlovers), even if love remains, from both. Hayley too, even if she wasscared, she knew that Elijah was still there, she entrusted Hope’ssafety to him (and Klaus/Marcel/Vincent/Sofya too, obviously). WhenElijah came to her, desperate and confused, asking what she wantedhim to do (and this is very important because Elijah here wasbasically giving his own life up in Hayley’s hands again, becauseHayley is the only one to whom he can show himself and hisweaknesses), Hayley answered “I want you to find my daughter”(well, sorry but I cannot remember the exacts words). She didn’t saysomething like “Go away, you’re a monster and I don’t want youaround us anymore”. She asked him to find Hope. The same Hopethat was born thanks to Elijah’s efforts. The same Hope whose namewas chosen by Klaus after Elijah, right after having lost Hayley,screamed desperately that that child was their family’s hope. Thesame Hope who was able to awake him in his mind. Hayley knows howmuch Elijah is important for both her and Hope. She still loves him.I liked that this time, in a parallel with a previous moment, she wasthe one saying “ I love you” and Elijah answered “Ilove you too”. Even if they are “doomed”. But love,now, isn’t enough. Elijah needs to be free from his guilt and hisdemons. Hayley needs to protect Hope even if this means a greatsacrifice for her too. To be honest, when Hayley took Hope’s hand andleft the Compound, I felt like she was a stranger. For the first timesince TO started, I felt like that for Hayley, that wasn’t the placewhere she belonged to. And this was infinitely sad. But then, seeingboth living peacefully (Hayley was smiling in Mystic Falls, Elijahwas  tranquil in Manosque), I felt like a sense of peace too. Theyhad to pay a very big sacrifice (Elijah chose to forget his ownmemories, Hayley chose to go away instead of love for herself), inorder to protect Hope’s innocence, life and future. Will they comeback together? I don’t know, honestly. I fear that JP will use Hayleyto realize Klaroline (and I am a huge supporter of Klaroline, but Idon’t want it to happen in a so cliché and unfair way), andconsidering that that donuts-head has clearly claimed that they can’tbe together anymore… well, this makes me really upset.  Do theylove one each other? Yes, they do. Even if they are separated,doomed, eternally selfless, unable to stay together (because in thisseason they really spent how much time together?)… they still loveone each other and nothing will change this. So dear anon, whatis my opinion on Haylijah in this finale? Very bad motivation to enda couple, necessary choice to make them finally able to be who theyare. Unfortunately, I closed the page by accident while I waswriting, there were other things too, but I couldn’t save them all(luckily I use to copy/paste the text sometimes in order to lose notwhat I’ve written until then but I lost some parts now ;_;).Anyway, this is my opinion. :)Have a nice day!!