#it wont be done for another week or so
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MIRRORED WALLS CHAPTER ONE IS HERE!!!!!!!!!
The wait is over! Come and get it!!!! I'm very excited for this fic and I hope you are too :)
#oops this took longer than i thought it would#first chapter is also longer than i thought it would be but future chapters wont be as long#i have another chapter in the drafts ready to post too#no idea how regular updates will be because in a week i'm moving across the country and starting a big boy job#but i am determined so gosh dang it it will get done#enjoy!!!!!!#just dance#just dance 2024#jacklust#wanderrose
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well that was a shortlived good feeling about my job
#maybe i should just become unemployed. maybe i should just suffer!#recap of todays further events .#that supervisor? who i kinda didnt already like but now absolutely hate?#she came down to confirm that i wasnt leaving. okay . and then she fucking tells me#oh we're going to get another person to help out from this other company. we were going to do that bc we thought you were leaving#but she thinks that even if im staying there should be another person on this floor. bc apparently more has to be done#and there are 'constant complaints' abt this floor . which doesnt make sense to me bc there shouldnt be#and so we're waiting to see what the manager decides but hes on fucking vacation and wont get back until. next week??#she said she was gonna email him and like right after she left i emailed and texted him explaining everything#and trying to very nicely say hey what the fuck are you doing you don't need to hire anyone else#and if im doing a bad job fucking tell me so i can do it better. bitch#and she had the nerve to fucking tell me when she was talking to me#that i wont find an easier job than this one#well if its so fucking easy why are we hiring someone else#by the way getting that extra person from this other company doesnt cost them anything which is why theyre doing it i think#which is making me not feel good abt my own future lmao. like why would they keep paying me when they can get someone for free#and she was saying all this stuff like oh you have it so good here we dont write you up i do all this stuff to help you like . ok#i didnt ask you to come downstairs w the coffee order and if you wanted me to i would come up . god#but the thing of me not being able to find a better job like wow! what if i killed you. for saying that to my face#and she talks abt how shes been w the company 20 years ok and that doesnt give you an excuse to treat me like a child. jesus#anyway im very pissed off and not enjoying my work situation lol. i dont wanna do this anymore#but looking at other jobs im so unemployable. sigh
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i hate being an adult i hate money i hate bills i hate healthcare and health insurance
#im fine im just upset that it is VERY likely i'm going to have to front $700 of my own money for work reasons this week#bc nobody at work will help me resolve this!! apparently! i'll be paid back eventually but not for a few weeks#and that i may run out of a prescription while i'm on my trip and i was trying to get it filled and have been bouncing around on the phone#to find out that it's the insurance company that won't pay for it until june and i dont want to pay out of pocket#i'll live til then and i may actually have enough til then (i need to just physically count all the pills; i just knew it was running low)#but i'm so frustrated that after i hung up the phone with CVS that i just cried a little#i'm not gonna call the insurance. the last thing i want to do is deal with those guys when i know it's not going to kill me if i run low#(i have been taking half doses to stretch the bottle. is that advised? who knows! but i've done it before and it aint killed me)#i'm just. sigh. nothing going right for me this week#there's also ANOTHER medication that was supposed to refill this week but didn't because it had no refills left. i should've got it today#sooooo i had to call that pharmacy and that doctor to basically beg them to refill it asap or at least send me a sample#i also wont die if i run out of that one (already taken half doses to stretch it this week) but contrary to the other one i will notice thi
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#just me rambling#badvibe#god. i feel so let down by my friends these days#it's been a billion things piling up for many many weeks#and right now i just got told by a friend with whom I was supposed to go to a convention that she forgot I was coming#so she won't be able to pick me up cuz she's going with her mom instead#we made plans for visiting that city in the morning before going to the convention and all.#i put it down in my agenda and moved plans around to accomodate for it. but she straight up...#entirely forgot i was supposed to be there#she forgot about me#and i'm SO. FUCKING DONE. ABOUT BEING AN AFTERTHOUGHT ALL THE FUCKING TIME#this is just too fucking much. between this and my childhood friend who acts distant w me ever since there was a dumbass quiproquo#where i have to fucking work hard everytime at creating a good atmosphere whenever we see each other cuz she wont put in that effort#and another friend who's been utterly ignoring me on purpose for some fucking goddamn reason i don't know why or what i did#ignoring me or being rude other times#all of those are just examples but its been so many things#i have been. SO fucking patient with everyone. ive helped them so many times too- sometimes to my own loss#i've been so kind and understanding despite my personal struggles - keeping my feelings of anger and injustice at bay#and i get what in response? i'm fucking. forgotten i guess. pushed aside. treated like a nuisance#i feel like its at the point where the closer they are to me the less effort they put in. cuz i'm a given now. they can treat me like shit#they treat strangers better than their close friend cuz they know i'll just take it. or smth. i'm a punching ball for bad moods#i'm done being the understanding one. what about that. what if others were the ones having to come to me and be kind instead#what if i was the one people coddled and offered sympathy to for once in my fucking life#idk. just fucking explode#i feel so disrespected. and uncared for#and so deeply unloved#i'm done. i'm done#the convention thing was just the fucking hammer to break my back after everything#i'm so deeply heartbroken#do i matter to the people i care about
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Sometimes all of my ocs decide they wanna do laps in my head all at the same time so I just end up sitting there like "I want to draw tyrian and Daeran, and Aviae and Morrigan, and Lucio and Anders, and Selene and Sera, and my other Hawkes and my other warden and-" and then none of it happens
#I HAVE BEEN THINKING ABOUT DRAWING DAERAN AND TYRIAN. FOR WEEKS NOW#i still havent played the dlc <//3#dragon age obsession hit and also im back into sdv so#i am in a yapping mood tonight (does not want to go to bed)#maybe ill reread some of my tyrian and daeran fics hm#i need to post more than just the one#but most of them are not even CLOSE to being publish worthy#im so nit picky about my fanfic#for fanart im just like 'here take it or leave it.' meanwhile for fanfics i get so nervous posting that i just geniuenly wont look at ao3#for days on end#i think i have another Daeran and tyrian fic close enough to done that i couls wrap it up#but i feel like dae is slight ooc#ugh#i should go to bed#i wanna draw my first kc too#she romanced arue i love her#i just have like. no stuff for her sadly
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played 8 consecutive hours of elden ring this afternoon/evening and forgot to eat dinner.... 🫠
#oops#well i still have bad cramps and bloating so maybe its for the best. im too tired to eat now#i feel soooo terrible. i dont think its from the gaming tho i was playing to distract myself from feeling terrible in the first place#but no such luck. well its better than spending all day ruminating anyway#i need to do laundry and food shop tomorrow and ill take the day off ER entirely otherwise ill end up playing another 8 hrs 💀#i got my meds today too but im not gonna start them until my period fucking starts and ends bc i cant handle both at once#plus itll be good if i can start them later this week so if it fucks my sleep at least i wont have to go into work multiple days in a row#while exhausted etc. mannn.#i really really hope i sleep better tonight this whole last week its been so disturbed and im so tired :-(#and so saaaaaad. and lonely but not really in a way that being around ppl helps.. i just want a longass hug 💔#ive done so well this week mentally but it takes so much out of me staying on top of it#anyway.. to bed to bed to bed#.diaries
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The next semester is going to KILL me. Bachelor thesis which idk what I want to write about AT ALL and if my adhd brain is even able to do it, two seminars that are probably gonna be super boring bcs the seminars this semester all suck for some reason AND immediately after that I have to do a work experience and write a report abt that. Oh and the semester starts NEXT WEEK
#plus still a lot of work until we can reopen the bar#im soo scared i wont be able to do it and everything falls apart bcs i didn't care enough and then i wont have any qualifications at all#also have to get a legal name change SOMEHOW very soon so my degree won't have the wrong name on it. for which i have to go to court#(in my birth city. it's pretty much a tossup if it's gonna work or not)#maybe i should try to get back on adhd meds that might help but i got heart palpitations and gi issues last time which sucked#god. literally every week I'm like what the FUCK is wrong with me why can't i just care and get things done why am i so lazy#but i guess it's adhd. or depression or the absurdity of having to have aspirations for myself when people all over the world are suffering#anyway I'm grumpy and feeling hopeless. but it will be ok i can do it. maybe. either way it's gonna work out some way or another
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Rushing to get the last 15 or so levels of my catalogue so I can send in my joy cons for repair
#devin speaks#devin’s gaming logs#my joy cons have become unbearable#the right ones are pretty bad but the left ones are almost completely unusable with their drift#i want to send them for repair but alas the repair will take 10-16 days and i will not be able to play splatoon while i wait#so i must quickly finish the catalogue so i can get the beloved earring and black boots i missed last year#ill be sad that i cant play side order either but honestly i probably wont be able to enjoy it anyway with my joy cons as is#so yeah must hurry to finish catalogue. must get these confounded controllers fixed……………..#i suppose i should invest in a pro controller again#the wired one i have also has a major drift problem#and the wireless one i had got rusted in the battery compartment somehow despite me never leaving batteries in there for longer than like#two or so weeks (i played with it a lot so the batteries constantly had to be replaced)#but the wireless one never did have a drift problem so maybe i will get another one and just be more careful with the batteries i guess??#idk whatever tag ramble done im just so frustrated with how poorly made joy cons are
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A nice PEMF session before we slowly start getting back in shape!
#also i think we're changing farriers#since my current one wont come every 4 weeks#& has actually been really strange this week with communication#so thats kind of sad#i also feel like she was really invested in honey's progress in the beginning & now shes just another horse to trim#so not sure if she was trying to let me go as a client or what the deal is#but who i found can do the schedule i feel honey needs & has actually done clinics with some of the top barefoot trimmers in the country#so im actually quite excited!#hopefully it goes well#here comes honey#ottb
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#woof. if all goes to plan Tomorrow is the last day i have to take measurements forever. if all goes to plan. if all goes to plan. but im#not holding my breath bc thats asking for chaos. i think this week ive done a good job of not pushing it#in terms of not torturing myself and making myself insane. which is good bc its exhausting taking measurements with the ambient stress of#apartment hunting from across the country. ive toured 2 places from afar and applied to them. and im meeting with someone to talk abt#potentially being roommates tomorrow. which is terrifying bc i really just wanna beg them like pls pls like me so i can stop looking pls#like i have to rely on my charisma i guess when im a bit asocial and odd. not unlikable but idk maybe they want someone more normie idk#its exhausting. ive sent so many emails and so many places r like no u gotta physically visit. ugh#and i have to clean my whole apartment by Tuesday for my landlord to inspect bc i had to give them a 30 day notice or else they wouldn't#release my info for like referal on background checks. there should b flexibility in when i can leave tho. its just stressful#at least im doing this when im pretty stable and i stop taking measurements tomorrow but i haven't taken a break since last Saturday#and haven't really had time to properly draw which annoys me and apparently i wont get a break this weekend with all the cleaning i gotta do#but oh well. at least im better off than the other person i kno who is moving Tuesday across the country and currently doesnt have a place#to stay. so i guess theyre gonna b living out of their car for a while. im stressed enough a month out from leaving#sigh. im just v tired and my heart is beating too fast and i wanna start cleaning now but im sleepy#whenever we go sampling we joke that we have to make sacrifices to the weather gods for good conditions. i guess i gotta make sacrifices#to the housing gods 🙏 ugh. pls. i dont wanna still b doing this for another week when i wont have time bc ill actually have to focus on#things. ugh. cant wait to b in the future where i dont have to deal with this#unrelated
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tomorrows the day im gonna fold all my laundry. like for real this time
#i keep dumping it all onto my bed so i wont put it off another day but that hasnt been working#pretty sure its more clothes than mattress at this point#theres like three weeks worth of clothes in a pile at the foot of my bed and i need to do more laundry tomorrow so im putting my foot down#if im posting tomorrow and i havent taken care of my laundry yet then feel free to yell at me#sometimes i need external encouragement to actually get shit done lol#like deadass just send me an ask being like 'bitch stfu and go fold your clothes'#because im at the point where telling myself that isnt doing much lol
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some days you really just want to scream why is this so hard!!!!!! why is life so hard for me!!!!!!!!!!!!
#maybe it's bc i just started my period or maybe it's bc im on the verge of my next breakdown but im struggling!!!!!!!!!!#yesterday i realized it's been exactly 2 years since i moved into this living situation im still stuck in and it just hit me#as i was trying to fall asleep that like ok i just lost 2 more years of my life!! i accomplished absolutely nothing and#just ran in fucking circles going nowhere and literally have done Nothing#and not to make excuses but im only now realizing how badly covid fucked me like not covid covid but covid time#as in like jobs and having any sort of future like that was Exactly the time after i graduated that i needed to be doing shit and i couldnt#and yeah i know there are sooooo many people in similar situations bc of covid but god i just feel like such a failure which i am#but i just feel so helpless like i honestly do not know how to move forward#or what i even want out of life anymore if anything at all and yes ok so period plus 2 year anniversary plus my birthday next week so im#extremely on the edge rn#and anyway last night i was crying bc of the 2 year thing then u know how when u sometimes start crying about one thing#u start crying about just everything wrong in your life so yeah i did that and then suddenly it was about still living here#and still living in this state and still living with mentally abusive relatives and how much of a failure i am at my age and how my birthda#will make me feel like shit and how much i miss my dogs and how much i worry about my cat and how i cant ever lose her ever no matter what#like i simply will not go through another pet death i just wont. and then all roads lead to my biggest mistake and regret so my ex then#all that and how i literally cant change any of those things at all and how much i feel like a prisoner and i cant escape and anyway.#im just not doing well lately lmao
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#I'll put depresso talk in the tags to spare innocent bystanders#I just cannot figure out if the little cat is done for or not#like sometimes she seems better and is meowing super loud bc she wants to go out#and then other times she just seems... idk i look at her and im like is this it?#are you going to go to sleep and not wake up?#the most frustrating thing is that she was always skinny since she first wandered up to the door#and one day she'll love food and then the next she does not go near it#like treats that she would decimate one week the next she wont even look at and then the week later she will#she ate some chicken breat i cut up small today so shes not totally empty but shes def not interested#is this the normal thing she always did or is it like the same thing with my old dog#like its impossible to tell if shes just being her weird self + recovering from last week#or if its like something more serious#i looked at the paperwork the vet gave me and turns out they never did a blood test so ??????? wouldnt that be the first thing you'd do#idk man its just worse than not knowing for sure#if i knew there was no hope id be sad but its an answer#as of right now its just an unknown quantity and i dont know what to do for her#whatever shes going back to the vet tomorrow hopefully they'll at least give her some fluids since shes not drinking enough#and check her teeth and just see whats happening#Honestly after watching my Nana horrifically die in march I really dont want another death this year#especially since this cat kinda showed up not long after my nana and was a bright spot#like i wish she could just be healthy and happy
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Soooo why do you have the crack ship of Ryo and Daigo?
i see two ex-emo nepo babies and i think they should kiss and play mind games with each other
#snap chats#im done moving into my new room ughHGHFH IM TIREDDD#i still have to do homework tho and my sister wont get off the phone but this the first time shes called me in#i been thinking on this for months#like. Two Weeks idk so </3#but yeah we saw my initial post back in october/november ok i been on this mindset for A Hot Minute#ive been so brave and strong by not unleashing the full extent of my brainrot onto tumblr#like rip at my priv but i spare yall for the most part#i just think theyre fun to think bout </3 they would never have a good relationship and its all aokis fault#i also think daigo should steal masumi because if aoki doesnt want his dad then my god daigo could use another one#daigo's dad collection...#but do you see why im here. theres so many fun angles to approach these knuckleheads from#the most Y7 gave me was daigo being /vaguely/ snooty bout how he and the tojo were essentially the reason for aokis success#daigo can just be snooty in general but im running with it and saying it was esp personal this time#i also want to continue the growing list of Boyfriends Of Daigo That Would Make His Mom Say 'He Doesn't Deserve You'#I JUST THINK DAIGOS TYPE SHOULD BE CAPITALISTS 💀💀#SORRY ill stop my mental illness now Point Is i enjoy them immensely on their own so why not smash them together#ive never had a crackship i enjoy as much as this aside from like. |ke mart h 💀#censors it so i dont get this bullshit ass post in the tag
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i have no idea how im gonna survive tomorrow
help
#i have the first irl thing in. what three weeks now? that requires me to see ppl#i havent been anywhere outside the store in weeks. i havent seen anyone face to face ive only done voice chat with friends#im emotionally exhausted over being a stupid tired upset anxious sad bitch and idk how im gonna have energy for tomorrow#but i dont wanna cancel. cause then i wont see these ppl for another two weeks since next weekend is mania weekend#im just tired and using my superpower of making myself sad all the time for evil rn#exhausted. in all ways possible mentally#if i can make it through tomorrow with ppl im sure im gonna have another breakdown by the time im home so.. yeah#im just so tired of living im not gonna lie. i have nothing to look forward to after next week and its so fucking tiring#whatever. im sorry i probably ruined your night too im going to bed good night#night is an absolute mess on main
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I need to do art style studies but i CAN'T
#raey spam#i wont be able to draw for like 2 weeks due to The Busy........#oughhhhh i wanna shade clothes sooooo bad right now#(normal human desire)#i also wanna work more on my omori designs#color prototype for basil is done so im literally so close (this is gonna take another 3 months bc im not putting actual time into it)#after that i gotta make refs for all of them#well I don't Have to but i would like to#then i can do a full illustration w them#and i need to do a composition study sooo bad omg#i really wanna start working on more involved art#instead of like. random headshots of characters not doing anything in specific#i also gotta do a revenge......... best not to leave it till next year but i also only have like 4 days left that im free in july.... so sad#some more details on my omori au for the no one that is interested:#actually I straight up dont have any#i should draw them fighting sweetheart...... ough....#i also need to draw like every day lately I've been feeling like my art is kind of not where it could be?#i do like my art but im conflicted ig?#idk how to explain it like. i often feel like i improve a lot between each piece but that also means that pieces from like not that long ago#are Not Good to me#idk it's like. feeling as though only a couple select pieces are worthy of any attention at all#also i have a lot of art styles i wanna study that are all wildy different so like how am I supposed to choose#well I'll just keep making art I like and whatever happens happens ig.#oh i wanna draw mari like really badly#maybe i can do a little traditional art of her as a treat.............#anyways is anyone interested in seeing some of my wip omori designs ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
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