#it won't ever get better than this | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

trappedinafantasy37 · 4 months ago

Text

"Weeeh! I wanna recruit Minthara on a good playthrough! Weeeh! I don't like the ultimatum and want to keep both Minthara and Halsin! Weeeh! I wanna make Minthara good! Weeeh! I don't want Minthara to break up with me!" Minthara deserves more content but none of these things are at all what she needs or deserves. No, these are all things that you want for yourself, but do absolutely nothing for her. This is one of the biggest L's in the game and it will forever enrage me because I just know it will never happen.

Minthara deserves to confront Orin like all the other companions do with their abusers. She deserves to scream and yell at Orin. She deserves to cut at her the same way Orin did, make her bleed and scream in pain. Minthara deserves to torture Orin, just as she did her in the mind flayer colony. Minthara deserves the right to roll up to the Temple of Bhaal and beat the shit out of Orin with her bare hands. Leave Orin begging for mercy in which Minthara will not even give her a drop. To slam Orin down on that altar and slice her throat, offer her up as a sacrifice to the father she is so blindly devoted to.

And yes, Minthara would be afraid. She would be TERRIFIED. Despite how strong and powerful Minthara is, she is also the only one afraid of Orin. Unlike Ketheric, or Gortash, or Sarevok, she is the only one who fully acknowledges just how dangerous Orin actually is and does not underestimate her. She will walk down into that temple, intending to duel Orin with a massive disadvantage because she is terrified.

Minthara choked when seeing Orin again in the mind flayer colony. She choked when seeing Orin as an imposter, throwing her deep into the ocean of paranoia and fear. And she is so entrenched in paranoia that it actually becomes palpable to everyone around her, even you. She describes herself as paranoid, but this is the first that you actually see how paranoid she is. And she choked again when Orin kidnapped someone in camp, making her feel inadequate, making a mockery of her for being unable to protect one of her own. And every day that passes, the more and more likely that the victim is going to die and she has doubts on their survival.

At every possible avenue in which Minthara could have done something or said something about Orin, she froze in place with fear. But she's had enough. She cannot be afraid of Orin forever and she doesn't want to be. One way or another, Orin has to die and she wants to get over that fear. She needs to know that Orin is dead, for herself.

This would also make the alurlssrin confession all the more impactful. She wants to tell you that she loves you in the best way that she can because of the very high likelihood that she will never have another chance to do so. She would beg you to come with her as you give her the courage. She has the courage to face her fears and confront her tormentor, because she knows she has you in her corner. If you have the courage to stand up to the very gods themselves, then she can stand up to Orin. Romanced or not, your presence alone is enough to give her the strength to do something she would otherwise be too terrified to do.

Minthara deserves the honor to solo duel Orin in a fight to the death. Minthara deserves the right to achieve vengeance for herself. No, I do not care that this confrontation would conflict with a Durge playthrough. In fact, it would provide a phenomenal source of some interesting, and toxic, drama between Durge and Minthara. Especially if they're in a relationship. This also does not mean that Minthara killing Orin instead of Durge would not have its consequences (because it most certainly will). Even if Minthara does not fight Orin, it would be so much better if Minthara was just given the fucking chance to yell at Orin like all the other companions in their personal quests.

#bg3 #baldur's gate 3 #minthara #minthara baenre #evil murder kitten #orin #orin the the red #i spend a lot of time theorizing what a good personal quest for minthara would look like #and i've even written a mock up personal quest for her #one in which could have a major impact on minthara's character and who she chooses to become in the end #but instead - all of you 'good only' players focus on the wrong things and would prefer to bastardize her character #just so you can feel better about yourselves #rather than look at what minthara needs for a proper character arc and genuine character growth #minthara's change should not nor should ever be along the lines of morality #but a deeply personal and internal one in which she makes the choice to change for herself #if minthara ever were to get more content #it absolutely should be about direct interactions and a confrontation with orin #i literally do not and cannot care about the rest #but she will never get what she actually needs because the whiny babies who don't appreciate her character #are crying and demanding all the wrong things that do absolutely nothing for her #and larian is bending over backwards and breaking her character just to make *you* happy #and denying her the justice she deserves #this is literally the only thing on my wish list for patch 7 - but i know it just won't happen #but i will hang on to the hope that i am proven wrong once it does release

127 notes · View notes

vaguely-concerned · 1 month ago

Text

walking through lucanis' mind prison. the tam lin of it all

#his mind keeps changing forms and you just have to show him you won't let go of him #it doesn't even really matter what you say to him just that you're consistently there to say it. your voice is a comfort. im in pain #I'm having so many feelings about like... rook can't be here. because of all things in the world rook means 'safe'. what if I exploded #what if I just shattered into a thousand pieces and was swept away by the wind actually #'it's better that I stay here than risk losing you' is such pitch perfect trauma logic. freeze logic specifically #on some level he seems to think he keeps rook safe like. existentially. by staying here #it's heartbreaking child magical thinking that makes me wonder like. has he basically been in a place like this inside #ever since his parents died? before that? the ossuary is just new set dressing the underlying logic is OLD. and very very sad to me #'I keep everyone safe by staying here'#(and then the perfect hilarity of having an actual demon be like 'ROOK. YOU TALK TO HIM HE NEVER LISTENS TO ME'#tfw your inner demon gets worried enough to stage an intervention and get you therapy whether you want it or not lmao)#dragon age #dragon age spoilers #dragon age: the veilguard spoilers #dragon age: the veilguard #rook x lucanis #lucanis dellamorte #rookanis #rye staying mostly in gentle professional mode for this one b/c this is literally his training #('I may not be batting a hundred at being a person but I DO know how to deal with fade shenanigans! not to worry I've got you')#except in that last part with the illario mind ghost where he roundaboutly admits 'I need you I don't know how to do this without you'#in rye speak that is very big it's like. third base of his soul or something. we do not ask for things for ourselves in this house #(because we already know we will not receive anyway so that sounds both humiliating and ultimately pointless. no thank you!)#and yet. the things we'll admit for love #the feeling that some of the things varric did for rye immediately post-exile rye is paying forward with lucanis now. don't look at me

48 notes · View notes

firstroseofspring · 10 months ago

Text

b’elanna vs her mother at similar ages, plus some sketches!

#my art #star trek voyager #my very first deanna…. my original obsession. if i ever read as much about betazoids as i do klingons we’re all in grave danger #also wrt the first image b'elanna is. 12 years old and as such is about to go emo mode but not quite yet. the girly girl thing is a front #sometime in winter she'll chop her hair off without permission #what do we think? human girl look to fit into the image her father has while he's still around or after to try and get him back?#miral is also a little bookish like b'elanna but on different subjects.... likes to keep to herself naturally but is also loudmouthed and #got told she shared her opinion too often a lot in university. didn't stop her though she speaks up when she thinks (knows) she's right #what did she study? don't ask me my answer changes with the weather #botany....linguistics.....military strategy.....chemistry....... uhmmmm religious studies. or even better the klingon system doesn't have #starfleet equivalents and she spent ages 15-22 doing apprenticeships for a certain (or multiple) disciplines #anyway.#kessik 2352 b'elanna has trouble sitting still for photos until she gets a little older so all the pics from before 7 are of her father #physically holding her so that she won't wander OR off guard shots or super blurry. theres more videos of that time than anything

68 notes · View notes

codacheetah · 5 months ago

Text

It's deeply important to me that Loop kind of sucks

#they are literally awesome but they do kinda suck. just a tad #mostly as in i keep thinking about lucabyte's comics. they are critical to me #i love isat's postcanon as a space to explore recovery and communication #but sometimes you kind of have to drag urself through glass to get there. sometimes the glass sticks in ur skin and makes u prickly #i think constantly about like. loop being surprised by siffrin's kindness if u choose to be nice to them in certain dialogue options.#remarking about how time has made them jaded more than he is #loop is fundamentally kind. but they are scantly ever 'nice'#i think if loop joins the party it's inevitable that they are going to make each other bristle up #loop has a difficult time with all of the party members. between the guilt and the loss and them just not being capital s Siffrin #and to the party who only knows loop from one interaction and siffrin's apparent care for them i think loop would come off. abrasive at bes #like. like i dont think loop would act the same with the party that they do siffrin. their mask is very Piss Siffrin Off specialized #but how much of ur persona is an act and how much of it is yourself. or whatever. loop wouldn't want to be mean to their friends sure #but it's much easier not to hurt if you wedge some distance. no better way to get that distance by being offputting. i think isabeau esp #would get the brunt of this. poor man #plus there's just hte general fact that like. nobody likes the feeling of talking to somebody who clearly knows too much about them. who #will never show their own cards. added with the fact that there's just an inherent strangeness w loop. where they have a relationship to #siffrin thru the loops that none of the party members will ever grasp (and in a way they cant even guess frankly!)#i just have a hard time seeing loop's assimilation into the party as going smooth and nice. you know. i think the party members would think #that loop kinda sucks a little. i think loop would let them think this. all of this being said this is not irreconcilable or permanent #but i like there to be growing pains for the party's expansion. i won't even get into nille bc this aint abt her but yah #the lucky thing loop is you made friends with a lot of really nice people who would being willing to get to know you again.#isat spoilers

32 notes · View notes

stainedglassthreads · 1 year ago

Text

I just. Love how delighted Toriel is that Kris has a friend, and doesn't really care who said friend is. In Chapter 1, the second Kris says that they're hanging out with a friend, Toriel's tune changes immediately and she says Kris can continue hanging out with said friend as long as they please. In Chapter 2, when she meets Susie, she doesn't get judgmental in any way, and all their interactions are just really cute. Baking together, punning together, letting her stay over...

Like, with how Toriel is characterized in Deltarune compared to Undertale, I feel like a lot of people make her...meaner, I guess. They take how she acts around Asgore, and use that to inform how she'd act in other situations. But she doesn't think Susie is a bad influence on Kris at all, she's really happy to welcome Susie into the house and meet her! It's adorable! So I don't think she's quite as strict and judgmental as some assume, or if she is, her desire for Kris to be happy overrides her 'knows what's best for you' tendencies. She's clearly not fully aware of Kris' situation, but is aware enough to be concerned, and to let some things (like waking them up, letting them wander Hometown after school, or devouring an entire pie) slide if it means they're safe and happy.

...On the flip side. It's also kinda sad. Kris isn't really hated by anyone in Hometown, but between being the only human, the situation their parents are in, Asriel(who they're closest with) moving away, the emptiness of their room and how they sometimes lock themself in the bathroom for lengths of time, the way Berdly, MK, and Snowdrake talk about them at various points...it's not so hard to understand why Toriel's so happy and relieved that there's someone outside herself and Asriel Kris has a positive relationship with. They used to be friends with Noelle, and they seem on pretty good terms with Catti, but I don't think they're quite friends right now. So it's also somewhat sad. Susie is probably Kris' first friend in a very long time. But maybe Noelle and Berdly can also become genuine friends, too.

#deltarune #deltarune analysis #toriel #kris dreemurr #the issue with asgore seems to mostly be that he won't respect her boundaries #rather than actually trying to atone for whatever mistake her made or give her space #he rushes into 'trying to make her feel the way she used to' back when they were first married #i've discussed it before but it bears repeating i think #because it's an interesting piece of dr!asgore's character #and an interesting difference between him and ut asgore #ut asgore was so beaten-down and depressed that even when he daydreams about adopting frisk with toriel #he immediately realizes he can't ever really return to those times with asriel and chara. they're dead now #dr!asgore thinks there's still hope to get those times back. he hasn't hit rock bottom...but he's also kinda in denial #he is in a better place than ut!asgore but dealing with it much worse by refusing to move on

59 notes · View notes

firebirdsdaughter · 20 days ago

Text

Honestly…

… I've largely managed to hc and work through my White Collar S5 issues (by never watching them again).

And I absolutely believe that the whole bit at the end is the Neal way of saying 'do you forgive me?'

He reveals to the two people closest to him that it was a con, and how he did it, and a hint to where he is. Esp if you take away all the weird characterisation in S5/give it better motivation, it's, imo, very clear that this isn't just Neal going back to square one. This is his way of leaving the door open. There's no summons, no requirement to come. Just a hint, making it their decision if they want to bother.

Mozzie clearly did, and I am a million percent sure that familiar proud dad smile of Peter's means he does, too.

#White Collar #you gotta know Peter's gonna go 4-0 #he's bringing his boy home #I don't think Neal's the type to 'settle down' not in the way it's usually meant #but I think he learned better empathy and maturity and awareness during his time #he means it when he calls the Burkes his family #he fakes his death to protect them and Mozzie and all his other friends #but then he's careful to leave a door open #'do you forgive me for putting you through that'#I think that you can take the ultimate result as Peter taught him to be better #and he helped Peter be less of a absolute line of the law man #if they go at it again they'll be better than ever #I def think Peter's smile and taking the card are clear signals he's going to say yes #probably won't be able to get there right away he's got another son to think about as well #but he's gonna reach out #he's going to find his boy and he's gonna get him home #I'm betting he'll let him travel again after but I think he'll reconnect #and I love Matt and Tim for this #Adopt a Felon 101 #speaking of have they said if it's a full REmake or a sequel?

9 notes · View notes

theflyingfeeling · 8 months ago

Text

...😭

#i've never had a job in my own field that i've liked as much as i've liked my current one #the semester is ending soon and today i heard my contract will not be renewed bc the person i'm substituting will return to work after all #i've been feeling so tired and a bit poorly after the nokia arena show and i probably should have called in sick today #as i was absolutely useless today #and then after my only class today my students came to me with a gift?? 😭#a pink enamel moomin mug and some chocolate and a paper on which they had written nice things about me + a drawing of a dachshund 😭#and i burst to tears right there in front of them because i was so touched (and also because i'm just really really tired and emotional)#i'm so tired about having to apply for new jobs and having to start all over again #i'm so tired of having to do shitty short-notice substitutions again #i feel like i deserve better than that but on the other hand i fee like life's giving me exactly what i deserve and maybe this is it #i'm dreading the summer because idk if i'll have a job to go to in the autumn #and even if i did find something it won't be like the job i have now #also. it's may day eve and the weather's lovely #and i'm hiding in my apartment with the curtains closed so i won't see all the people going out and having fun with their friends #for me may day eve has never been like that. i've always felt so very excluded from those celebrations #on top of that i got yelled at by a bus driver and i'm the worst friend that ever existed #i'm trying to quit on whining about my sad little life but it gets so lonely #please know i'm not writing this for attention or pity. i know y'all have problems of your own and i'm just being a dramatic crybaby

24 notes · View notes

itwoodbeprefect · 1 month ago

Text

happy 1 year anniversary to the election results that were so fucked they had me trying to take my mind off of things by watching what seemed like a toxic chinese queerbait show only to find something far more thoughtful and genuinely queer and interesting than expected and end up watching a bunch more unrelated things that are talked about in vaguely the same realms of the internet and then watch bad buddy twice in a row and fall into an endless bingewatch of thai media (some of which is mediocre, some of which is bad, much of which is simply pretty good, and some of which is genuinely incredible) and go, well, it would be a waste of all this language input i'm accidentally giving myself right now if i didn't at least learn a few words. thus accidentally locking myself into watching even more thai media because now i gain serotonin from hearing a sentence i know i could write

#this is about the dutch general elections of 2023. i know another election is probably still on most people's minds #it feels WILD that it's only been a year. and at the same time. the government they eventually formed based on those votes #is still hanging in there. and it feels like THAT's been going on for way longer than a year #*#ah well in happier news! i think it's the way part of me is forever roaming the internet in 2011 #but even when a BL (or GL! which is finally picking up!) series is bad. or just boring.#there is something in me that can't help but go !! oh my god? there's a hundred of these out there??#and we can argue definitions and representation and fetishization. but there are So Many queer people working on them these days #and not all but many of these stories are insightful and kind and clever and have a very queer beating heart inside of them #(and there's also something to be said for queer trash tv. that has a place! but i won't get into it)#and this is really truly only a thing of the past few years!!! this did not exist when i was a teen!!!#i'm still so young but i'm EASILY old enough to remember that. and now All Of That is just out there. often on youtube for free #if you are a teen TODAY you don't need to pick between settling for watching tara die on btvs. watching ianto die on torchwood #or watching queer as folk. which is not a knock on qaf but it's not necessarily tv for teens #instead there's like. dozens of queer people on modern western tv! there are ever more queer movies where nobody dies!#and there's just a goddamn fucking impossible-to-watch-in-one-lifetime amount of guaranteed happy end BL series out there #and it's insane!!! that is insane to me!!!#and is also maybe a good thing to remember in current times. things can and do change for the better #sometimes in ways you might not expect. sometimes you might not even know it's happening. but it does

8 notes · View notes

moviesstoriesandbooks · 1 year ago

Text

What if Chay moves on from Kim and starts bringing over people from clubs and college parties to the minor family house ? He picks them carefully , he now knows how to , they're usually vaguely aware of who he is. They also know enough to not question the security surrounding him and his "house". He's learnt to protect himself from people who get close only with their selfish ulterior motives.

He's only young and in college once. He's gonna enjoy it goddamnit.

Except once when Kim comes over to the minor fam house at Kinn's request for "personally verifying the money leaks Porsche found out and see if he could update the security in any way possible while he's at it " , and he runs a *bit* late . Kim gracefully accepts Porsche's invitation to "crash opposite to Chay's room , that's where his friends stay over sometimes . Chay's my brother by the way, have you guys met?😄".

And Kim has to listen to Porchay and some ba**ard loudly make their way to Porchay's suite in what was so late at night that it was early in the morning , even by Kim's standards.

Pants , purrs . *Moans.* F#cking moans.

And thuds of flesh on the wall when they got too excited and tripped on the carpet. Laughs and giggles. Not a care as to who might hear.

Kim thought it would end once they got in the suite . Well he was wrong. He had to listen to every single whimper, shout and cry ; and finally understood why the maid explained how Khun Porchay prefers the entire floor to himself for his music usually .

He couldn't sleep even after it got fully quiet . He couldn't sleep for a long time after .

#porsche is blissfully unaware of everything #except the mafia he's getting pretty good with practice maybe even better than kinn #Kim purposefully made it late to stay over except porchay got home 4 hours later than he expected #also who's to say that Kim won't find a lovebite riddled macau cooking a light breakfast and coffee the next morning around noonish #when he himself went to the kitchenette to get a strong cup of coffee fir battling hus mother sleepless night #macau might have been whistling along to a cherry wik song while flipping pancakes and finishing off with a smiley face on top #and kim fully realises what he's lost for the first time ever #thai boys love series #thai drama #thailand #thai bl series #kinnporsche #asian lbgtq dramas #kinnporche the series #kimchay #jeff satur #be on cloud #barcode tinnasit #ta nannakun #i always imagine ta as macau idk why he's just a perfect macau in my mind #I'm kimchi through and through but this took root in my mind a couple of days back and won't let go #jealous kim is my jam #macauchay #i guess??#battle his sleepless night i meant*#cheery wik song *#also bonus that kim had to listen to the early morning round when he comes back with a very sad black coffee and apple

69 notes · View notes

badgirlcoven-official · 3 months ago

Text

"Willow is a bad character because she's a mary sue" me when I missed the entire point of the show

#scrolling her tag and going insane #side note there is apparent a toh cr1t tag #I will not look at it for annoying takes to make fun off (affirmations)#at least i won't tonight who knows what the future holds #anyway im obsessed bc they were like #'imagine if willow was just a fan character in fanfics you'd all think she was pretty cringe huh'#NUHUH IM NORMAL UR WATCHING THE CRINGE CULTURE TOWARDS HARMLESS THINGS IS STUPID SHOW #also jesus fucking christ do you honestly think that a disabled coded woman of color being a badass is somehow overdone #like the reason ppl criticized MS's in the first place is bc we rlly do not need another white abled girlypop to be the super magical #chosen one and never be in the wrong ever #disabled ppl and woc don't GET that fantasy #also her powers aren't disproportionate to the universe at all #yes she gained a lot of power in two months but she's spent the past several years repressing her very potent magic to mold herself to #other ppls expectations the whole fucking thing is a metaphor for how disabled ppl who now have accomodations/can live their life on their #own terms do much better much faster than people give them credit for #and once again she's really powerful yes but she was for example nothing compared to Darius #she doesn't take on a coven head (though a battle between her and Terra would have been super interesting) and win and she can take care of #1-2 coven scouts on her own but needs support and help from others #if there are more of them #ALSO EVERYONE ELSE GETS MORE POWERFUL ALSO #why isn't Amity a mary sue for going from only making small abominations and needing a training wand to being like the 3rd strongest #abomination magic user? bc shes white?#their main complaint seemed to be that willow demasculated hunter tho #so like #lmao cope. seethe.

17 notes · View notes

artheresy · 10 months ago

Text

An argument over whether or not Dan Heng is Dan Feng seems to have begun getting sparked again in certain parts of the Fandom and it does nothing but hurt my head to no end

Both sides cherrypicking or treating it like a strange situation, making false equivalents. "Yknow governments don't consider people who've lost their memories to be separate people" that's a flawed argument to use in favorite of DH = DF because it's not just he lost his memories. He literally grew up, experienced his own childhood, had a whole identity cultivated based on those experiences and that life and continues to live his own life. To treat the situation like it's just him getting a bit of amnesia is wild to me

But also I hate when people continue to insist he's running from Dan Feng and his past and how he's miserable and shouldn't ever confront the past and deal with it as if his and Blade's whole stories aren't centered around rebirth and karma, paying for your past life's karma. He needed to confront the past to ensure a freer future! He literally has!! And he will continue to do so because he realizes this, DH isn't dumb and he's grown since we first saw him. He understands

But yeah uh I'm so tired

This whole thing feels very Ship of Theseus. What makes the ship what it is, the physical aspects of its planks, its sailing history, or both?

For him, the question is what makes someone who they are? Is it the body that makes them up and any inherent genetic factors (like traits)? Is it their experiences, how they've grown up, and the identity they've developed in that time? Or is it both factors mixed together?

Personally in the case of Dan Heng, I think it's both! Yeah he has a lot of traits from Dan Feng. There's a lot inherently there. But we can't disregard his own experiences and the identity that has formed based on his history and what he's seen.

Again I can't stress this enough... It is a false equivalent to compare him to people who lose their memories or get amnesia, he didn't just lose those memories. He started life from the beginning, a whole different kind of life. And even then, the amnesia topic comes with its own debates. Isn't there a whole other thought experiment regarding someone put to trial who ends up with amnesia and what their verdict should be?

I guess in the end, it's all up to people's own philosophical beliefs after what constitutes a person. My personal belief that DH and DF will always be connect but the separation between them is also meaningful is something based on my own ideas of what consisitutes a person and their individual identity, similar situation with how I see Rukkhadevata and Nahida as connected but still not the same person exactly. At the end of the day again, it's personal beliefs

But what I can't stand and can't stand by, is someone acting all high and mighty like they're perfectly right and everyone else is wrong, especially when they're cherrypicking or not holding all their evidence to the same standard. According to some ppl, apparently it's better in the CN fandom where instead of treating it like "I'm right you're wrong" people have divided themselves into "DF and DH one person" and "DF and DH two people" groups and most importantly of all, they treat both like theories and just keep to their space and tag which they believe when it's relevant. Why can't we just do that? Why can't we follow in their footsteps instead of bringing up this argument every so often with the same tired flaws from both sides?

#Lore discussion in this community can be so tiring #I wish more people would be open to their viewpoint being challenged instead of believing they can never ever be wrong #And seeing people throw out wild accusations #Like someone saying people are transphobic if they believe dh is df like what?#I get it if you identity with dh and read it as a trans narrative personally even if I dont #Doesn't mean you can call people transphobic over it #I dunno I'm tired #Everything I see this topic I get mad #“He says you're my past in the ichor of two dragons!!”#He also says right after “But you won't follow me into my future” so your point is?#Additionally if we're being 100% real that animation feels like it's less about his rejection and eventual acceptance of DF specifically #It feels more so like his rejection of the role of Imbibitor Lunae given what I've talked about about the DF being there would never say #Any of those things how it's based on his biased view of him and is a projection of things he was told growing up likely #So I'm tired #One of the only good arguments I've ever seen to say DH is DF is in regards to how he clings to DF's old stuff #I have things to say about it personally #But it's a MILES better argument than some of the other ones I've seen and even then my arguments against it would still be an up for #Interpretation kind of thing like the initial argument rather than pointing out someone is looking at the full picture #Again I respect how people see it! Believe what you want to believe about it again it's all about our own perspectives #Just don't be a dick to people on either side if you don't agree with them #Dan heng #Dan feng #Hsr #Honkai star rail

26 notes · View notes

skwivr · 3 months ago

Text

-

#hey like. not to be really annoying i shouldn't be doing this aged 32 but i'm really struggling #every time the weather gets cold i feel like i am entering winter with more and more despair #i am really struggling this time #every day is a struggle to get through #i'm losing my hair #i'm losing my reasons to live #i keep putting on a full face of makeup and clothes in my room at like 2am just to desperately try to feel human #i keep saying i don't know if I'll survive the winter and people keep laughing but I don't mean it as a joke #i'm sadder than i've ever been and everything feels like it's falling apart #whenever i get the chance to confide this in people i get told that i'm strong and i'm a survivor #and that i should do some shit to make me happy #and yea i can stave it all off for a few minutes with like a trip out or some makeup or something but it all feels like bandaids #for a serious wound that's going to go septic soon #like this isn't a way to live a life #i don't want to 'be strong' or a 'survivor' anymore i want to be fucking happy #i'm tired and promises of brief happiness between ever worsening pain feel almost patronizing at this point #i woke up the other day in the middle of the night and as soon as conscious thoughts hit my brain i almost doubled over #if i had been not on the first floor i think i might have jumped then and there #i want to be loved and feel like my love is worth something #i want a clean apartment of my own and a career that doesn't feel like it's designed to kill me #i'm 32 and still essentially feel like i'm living my life like a teenager #i want sun and suncatchers and healthy plants and a wardrobe that fits my clothes #and i want the will to actually get up in the morning #i endured all of this for so long on a delusional belief that things were going to magically get better #but i realize now they won't #i became aware of the bounds of my cage with no means of escaping them #i'm sick of living each day oscillating between numbness and grief i can barely eat i can barely work i can barely laugh #and no one's coming to save me #i'm agonized by the idea that this is maybe what life always is for everybody #is this how it's supposed to be

12 notes · View notes

flowercrowngods · 1 year ago

Text

i don't know how to be merely acquaintances when we used to be friends. or i think we used to be. i don't know how to yearn for a simple hello when you've been heaping your affection on me months ago, and i don't know how to talk to you when you won't say anything. when suddenly it's all about me. you know i have nothing to say, you know my brain is void of everything but horribleness and i cannot tell you about my day because i don't even know about my day. i cannot tell you about my day when i know you won't listen, when i know you'll apply your philosophy to my world and don't believe me when i say that everything is terrible. i don't know how to be the person you seem to think i am, or the person you want in your life. i don't know if you want anyone else in your life now that you're in love and sappy, found another recipient for your affections, leaving me empty and wounded and yearning.

you said you missed me. said it many times, while i was gone. now i'm back, have been back, and i wonder how you missed me, why you missed me, when you won't talk to me. i think you mistook missing for worrying. i think you mistook caring for a feeling of obligation. i think you like missing me more than talking to me.

and i think i can't breathe with how much that hurts