#it wasnt a very MEANINGFUL moment ya know

[outerspacedunce]

i love when Spock uses Jim's name casually 🥰 it happens so rarely.

in return to tomorrow, when bones threatens sargon with his phaser, spock says "that is still Jim's body." and he could have just as easily said "The Captain's." but he didn't and i wanna yell about it for days.

[metaphor-cheese]

Find the words

Buford was never very good with his emotions.

Oh he’d gotten a lot better since he was a child, sure. But even as a fully grown adult he still wasn’t…great at it.

Indirect affection was easy. Hugs he loved, kisses were great. He knew a lot about the meanings of flowers so liked to put together personal bouquets, and affectionate teasing was his bread and butter.

But actually saying ‘I love you’…?

He didn’t know if he could do it.

The problem was, he wanted to. He and Baljeet had been together for 2 years. He cared about the dork a lot. He… Well he meant the-phrase-that-could-not-said. He’d realised it rather anticlimactically one morning as he was shaving and heard Baljeet in the bedroom humming to himself as he got dressed. It had been so simple then, to think the words ‘I love him’. Nothing compared to the mortifying ordeal of saying it.

But Baljeet was special. He was kind and gentle and so patient with him. He’d never pressured him to say it or to do anything he wasnt comfortable with and it was for that reason Buford wanted to learn how to say it. To tell him.

“Well, why don’t you say it in a different way?” Isabella had suggested when he came to her with his problem. “If you just tell him you care about him a lot im sure he’ll get what you mean.”

He frowned. “But I wanna say it properly. I just-“ he gripped at his hair in frustration. “I-I cant.”

“Well…” she seemed to be thinking. “Maybe try in a different language?”

“Different language?”

“Yeah.” She smiled. “That way you’re still saying I love you without saying ‘I ove you’, ya know?”

It was certainly an interesting idea.

Buford was lucky he had so many options to choose from. He’d always loved languages and ever since his gap year in Europe, he’d picked up a lot more than he knew previously. He knew how to say I love you in countless ways, now he just had to pick the best one!

French was the language of love, so his thoughts instantly went to Je t’aime. Though, practising saying it aloud sounded…cheesy and he worried Baljeet would just start laughing if he came out with that. Te amo was a classic, but it didnt seem quite right either. Too irrelevant? Maybe something more personal would work. He could try in Hindi-no. Too personal. He wanted baljeet to understand him but he didnt know if he could handle baljeet understanding him, if that made any sense. Ich liebe dich was too stuffy, te iubsec was too niche, s’ agapó wouldn’t be understood at all and he would rather stay FAR away from his fathers native language of Norwegian.

In the end, after much deliberation, he came to a decision. Dutch, the language of his ancestors, was personal enough to be meaningful, while still being enough in his comfort zone it could calm any nerves.

He was ready.

For 5 days he tried to hype himself up to say it, but never found the right time. He would tell himself he’d tell Baljeet at breakfast, then completely flake out, or he’d plan a fancy dinner with the intention of saying it there, and get completely distracted in conversation and forget. In the end, the circumstances in which he finally blurted it out were extremely anticlimactic.

He was trying to get to sleep when he heard Baljeet come into their room and sleepily change out of his work clothes, throw on a pyjama top and flop onto the bed next to him.

“Long day?” He’d whispered, amused. His boyfriend let out a small, startled yelp before grunting in irritation and inching over to him like a slug.

“Yes.” He mumbled, resting his head on Buford’s chest. The fact that he didn’t want to talk about it went unsaid and Buford simply wrapped an arm around him.

For a few moments they laid there in comfortable silence, breathing in time. Baljeet burried his head in bufords shirt and his curls tickled his chin and Buford thought that moments like this where what made life worth living.

Heh. Baljeet would so call him pretentious if he heard that.

“What are you laughing at?” His boyfriend mumbled.

“Nothin’.” A smile tugged at Buford’s lips. After a few moments of gently stroking the nerd’s hair, he whispered. “Hey ‘jeet?”

“What?” The other muttered sleepily.

And without even thinking, Buford whispered “Ik hou van je.”

There was a pause were neither spoke or moved. Buford would have almost thought Baljeet didnt hear him if not for his hands gripping the fabric of his shirt that little bit tighter. Just when he was starting to wonder if he made a mistake, the other rolled over, eyes still shut, and whispered back “Mai bhee aap se pyaar kartha hoon.”

And after that, they both went to sleep, comfortable together.

[inspiringwhilerespiring]

Yall know i love this survey shit<3

1. List 5 things you want to do before the year ends.

-finish 5 books

-lose 20 lbs

-produce more art

-travel out of the state & country

-heal my heart and love myself a lil more

2. What color are your pants?

not wearing any

3. Favorite motivational quote.

damn, there’s A L O T. prob something simple and to the point. I like “proud, but never satisfied” and “the distance between your dreams and reality is called action”

4. When was the last time you drank coffee?

yesterday; got a new french press for christmas<3

5. What was the last thing you ate?

lmao the weirdest shit. hot cheetos, some hummus, and a bar

6. Favorite animal.

soo many; always been fascinated by sharks. Elephants are up there too.

7. Favorite song.

currently anything Kid Cudi - he soothes my soul

8. Last movie you watched?

National Lampoon family vacation I think?

9. Any turn ons?

of course; im one of those gay people who gets turned on by having an emotional connection first and foremost; but if were strictly talking physical shit - any neck action is sexy af. or just taking breaks to make eye contact.

10. Any turn offs?

bad breath lol and just being a dick in general or inconsiderate

11. List 4 big words off of the top of your head.

cognizant; superfluous; compelling; anguished

12. What are some meaningful movies?

First ones that come to my mind that left an impact or a meaningful message are Shawshank Redemption, Avatar, Wall-E (lol), Forest Gump

13. 2 most important people in your life right now?

Myself honestly 

14. What are 3 things you want to do before the month ends?

Find a desk, order a blender, and form a morning routine

15. When was the last time you read a good book?

Currently reading Michelle Obama’s -Becoming; before that I read the Alchemist and it was good

16. How long do you study for usually, if you study?

I don’t

17. Do you have any nicknames?

Pollo, Hayls

18. Favorite kind of perfume? (fruity, alluring, etc.)

Viva la Juicy, but honestly all of them - been sticking to essential oils or all natural shit lately - anything with Amber is good.

19. Do you have any international friends / friends who live out of state?

yes<3

20. What is something unique that you do every single day?

lol shower? I dont really do anything special i dont think?

21. If there was a movie based on your life, what would it be called?

“Becoming” lol because I feel like I am always growing and changing and adapting and learning and ill never just be one thing

22. When was the last time you bought a gift for someone?

Recently - christmas time

23. Are you a shopaholic?

no - but i just got an amazon prime account and thats game changer fa real

24. What are some songs that always make you feel better?

Love - Kid Cudi, 

25. List 3 activities that you can only enjoy by yourself.

Sitting in the tub (otherwise that shit is too crowded lmao)

Reading a good book

Masturbating prob?

26. If you could live in any biome (and survive) which biome would you live in?

Tropical island

27. How do you like being roused in the morning?

cuddles and soft music (prob reggae) and if i aint got shit to do a bluntttt fam

28. How was your day? What did you do?

it was ok - fighting some inner demons lately and feeling really low :/ but i got a little bit done so im giving myself a break

29. What did your last text message say?

“bye”

30. Do you respond to texts quickly?

depends on who it is lol

31. Who was the last person you called?

my mom

32. List 5 things that are on your wish list.

i wanna learn another language

I wish to be able to see more things change for the better in our world

i wish to skydive

i wish to live in another country for a while

and i wish to love myself

33. If you were famous, what do you think you would be famous for?

maybe being a host of a talk show lol

34. Winter or summer?

both

35. What is a quality that all people should have?

empathy

36. If you could have a large collection of one item, what would that item be?

my inner white girl and materialistic ass says shoes - but idk i think it would also be cool to have a collection of books or photographs - ya know that sentimental shit i be on

37. What have you been thinking about lately?

wow so much - a lot of reflecting honestly about who i have been and how i’ve treated others and how i am trying to change myself - so ironically enough, i’ve also been thinking about the future and trying to focus on who i want to be and where i want to be

38. What is the secret to a happy life?

taking it day by day im sure

39. What are some phrases you say often?

“nice” lol to my clients a lot

40. Favorite food?

lately its been asian - like thai and vietnamese. fuck now i want some dumplings and curry and egg rollllz

41. List 3 wishes.

already fuckin diiiiiddd fam

42. What are some of your greatest fears?

memory loss, dying, losing others

43. What is the last thing you downloaded onto your computer?

idk whats app prob

44. Most beautiful thing you’ve ever seen (in real life)? 

machu picchu

45. Spicy food:Like or dislike? 

LOVE

46. Scary movies:Like or dislike?

Depends

47. Do you like to travel?

Do you know me lol

48. Any regrets?

yeah always, but i try to live my life without any and honestly id never go back and change em

49. Do you like rain?

obsessed; fav weather actually

50. What do you spend most of your money on?

food

51. Would you rather visit the past or the future?

past bc im a sentimental person; future is exciting and i like surprises and the unknown and dreaming about that shit - id rather not know.

52. Favorite clothing store?

depends - urban outfitters is my style but i like goodwill just as much

53. What is the best advice you can give to those who are feeling down?

this too shall pass

54. How often do you think about your future? Does it scare you?

honestly not often enough, i try not to over think things or it tends to give me anxiety. why worry about things that are far out of our control? I just take shit day by day

55. What angers you the most?

ignorance. and rude ass people. when someone isnt being genuine

56. When was the last time you got majorly angry?

yesterday

57. When was the last time you got really sad?

today

58. Are you good at lying?

im sure everyone is to some degree

59. What foreign language would you like to learn?

spanish

60. How many languages can you speak and what are they?

just one - semi fluent in spanish

61. How often do you go to parties? If you don’t, what do you do instead?

lol 

62. What books do you plan to read this year?

not sure! I have a couple but we shall see

63. Do you have breakfast every morning?

yes i try to - its my fav meal

64. Tell us a secret.

then it wouldnt be a secret

65. How many concerts have you been to?

a few

66. Last hug?

wasnt long enough

67. Who knows you better than anyone else?

myself

68. Baths or showers?

ooooooh damn, depends

69. Do you think you’re ambitious?

i could be a little more

70. What song is stuck in your head?

lmaooo wake up in the sky by gucci mane and bruno - thats been my shit lately

71. Countries you’ve visited?

Peru, Canada, Mexico, Costa Rica, Jamaica, Caymans, Philippines

72. What do you most value in your friends?

Communication and laughter

73. What helps you to sleep better?

putting my got dang phone away from me

74. What is the most money you have ever held in your hand?

prob like 2 grand or some shit

75. What makes you nervous?

when i over book myself or take too much on and have a lot on my plate - so time management i suppose

76. What is the best advice you’ve ever been given?

to live in the present moment; and to take care of myself 

77. Is it easier to forgive or forget?

forgive for sure - i dont really ever forget

78. First mobile phone?

ayyy a flip phone and it was see thru and lit up and had a walkie talkie!

79. Strangest dream?

lmao ew no im so ashamed

80. Best dream?

flying or something

81. Who is the smartest person you know?

my grandpa it seems

82. Who is the prettiest person on tumblr?

idk

83. Do you miss anyone right now?

very much, always

84. Who do you love? Why?

everyone, because life is too damn short for hate

85. Do you like sharing?

yeah lol bc i expect ppl to share w me in return

86. What was the last picture you took with your phone?

idk actually

87. Is there a reason behind everything that happens?

yeah id like to think so

88. Favorite genre of music?

i was raised on hip hop so i feel like that is my go to but honestly i love reggae, alternative, a lil bit of electro chill shit, R&B, oldies, jazz, anything 

89. If you had one word to describe yourself, what would it be?

Understanding

90. Describe your life in 5 words.

roller coaster. fun. emotional. loving. growth.

91. Describe the world in 4 words.

crazy. beautiful. strong. vast.

92. Craziest thing you’ve ever done?

skinny dip?

93. First three songs in your favorite playlist?

cocaine model - zhu

is this love - bob marley

tadow - masego

94. Are you more creative or logical?

def without a doubt 100% creative/emotional/empath/sensative/does things based on feelings rather than reason type person lmao

95. Would you rather lie or hurt someone with the truth?

truth always

96. What are you most proud of?

my ability to communicate and understand people

97. What personality trait do you admire in other people?

strength/humility 

98. When you imagine yourself as really, really relaxed and happy, what are you doing?

smoking a fat ass blunt doing yoga on a sunny day while its 68 degrees out and im on a beach 

[deuce-duce]

I enjoy writing this because I mean we can't read eachothers minds... right?! I wish I could sure would make things helluva lot easier...! I want you to consider something and then were going to discuss a few hypotheticals... first, knowing what I have explained previously you might realize I never asked to be who I am... or to rise to the level things have gotten to. I guess sometimes you just don't get a choice as to what piece you are in the game of chess... unless you choose to be a pawn that position is always chosen! But pawns can chose who they want to be when they make it to the other side... That being said the only reason things have reached the level that they have which im sure you might not agree with, but I believe its primarily because of a broken society... and an unreliable 🍇. I mean since when has gossip ever been true?? My experience starting in grade school, gossip was always used as a way to discredit someone or make them look like a fool. Not only that but the amount of inconsistencies and nonsense associated with this situation should have raised some red flags... lets say those flags were raised and a lot of you were thinking hmmm something just isn't right here it doesn't make sense, things just don't add up! Were half way there, in what world/society do you get these red flags and choose to not even ask or say anything to the person involved... Really?! Especially when your told not to tell me that you know who I am... Idk about you but I'd like to live in a place where things like this don't happen at all... but thats simply not reality. But when something of this magnitude is occurring there shouldn't be some type of uncomfortable stigma surrounding the person in question... i think you catch my drift.

Hypothetical time... please appease for a moment. lets just say hypothetically that everything i have told you is true. If thats the case I'd say that whats occurring and those that are involved are wrong and is really fucked up! Right?! The crazy part is what I have laid out for you is only the half of it!.

What do we do?! Turn a blind eye and just hope we are more diligent next time? Thats a viable outlook and requires the minimum amount of effort and individual consequence... so i get it... i can't take it anymore personally but all I can do is my best. Not that there weren't people trying to help which I appreciate but sometimes "we become the cancer that were trying to remove"

a common theme that people like to promote is one life one world one opportunity!! Even one of my my favorite artists Eminem, (got me through my childhood) specifies you only get one shot!! "If you could cease everything you ever wanted in one moment would you capture it!?? Or just let it Slip!!??: I couldnt agree more!! The controversial side of this is that your thoughts on what shot i should be taking and the actual shot I'm taking are very different! A big influencer in my decisions is the craft created by NF "I wanna look at my kids in the face when I'm older

And say I've been something admirable

Fast checks, fast women, that don't inspire me, no!

You don't wanna know what's goin' on inside my personal life?

Then get out my diary" I just don't understand why no one else sees it! I dont think anyone in history or anyone ever again will have the opportunity i have! Or that we all have as a collective. Do we harness it or just let it slip?? To be perfectly honest it is more meaningful and more challenging then anything any of us will ever face again! If I fail then I guess we will all have something in common in the fact of... at least i tried.

Last night was interesting i wont go into details but this dude was trying to tear me apart by talking about me inadvertently to a friend of his... saying oh I wish i was that smart... but i go to such and such college... I tried to make small talk becayse although I knew he was talking about me he couldnt say anything to me directly. Shooting the shit atarted out ok... but I don't think my mind is geared that way... it wasnt long before i was talking about running for president for 2020 my slogan being Enough is Enough. He said that was somewhat abrasive and wished me luck! It wasn't long before i realized he really couldn't stand me and was there to belittle me and well lets just say if theirnot with ya, then their against ya. Definitely in my situation. But I told him oh I see what your side your on... he said what side is that...? It doesn't matter well if your just going to judge me and create a bias then this conversation doesn't mean shit... i said thanks for saying it for me... he didn't like that! But realized I had made the right decision. So I feel better about how things went after that. Becuase all he was trying to do from that point forward was make me jealous... too bad he's actually queer!! And for some reason is either jealous or threatened by a homeless bum...So i don't even know why i let it bother me.

Cool thing though we talked about society and how most eat whatever their fed. now i could into some long winded analogy explaining how this takes place with not only the food we need to nourish our bodies but also the food needed to nourish our mind and soul. And because we dont bother to do the research or find out the truth we continually pollute our minds bodies and souls... After I told him that the conversation was pretty much over I could tell he was mad and talking to myself loud enough for anyone around me to 👂 I said dude I'm fucking brilliant and I'm going to win... this is when he thought it clever to go buy the women that i complimented drinks... oh well!

Another person I met was cool finance major had something eating him up and he asked me what my advice was on the matter. I told him what I thought, which I think was good advice then changed it a little bit because bearing your soul isn't easy! Which is what would have been happening. I told him how much i wanted to conform and be just like the rest of the population here but for some reason my mind literally puts up blocks... he said thats because your not supposed to get the easy road... but i want to yelling at this point and he said nope you gotta take your cards and flip em!! He said that because i told him about eminems song beautiful and he knew exactly what album it came from which was impressive but Em says no one asks to get the bullshit hands were dealt we have to take the cards and flip em ourselves and not to expect any help! Gave him my card which is the only one without a # !?!?!?!?!? Ikr cray!

This really pretty girl I talked to for about a total of thirty seconds complimented her hair and made a couple wise funny comments/questions... then said have a good night and fled... like always.... ugh...

Haha other then that i was trying to find a place to sleep which was difficult but finally found a place. And what do you think i did??? I'm sure you already know so ill spare you!!

Good night

P.s. had another conversation with a psych major. After discussing Maslow's hierarchy I was curious to know how one knows when they have reached the summit of the pyramid?! She didn't know either. Told her it would be a good question to ask her professor and went to catch my bus. After boarding I looked it up there are 9 principals or characteristics that will be prevelant once acquiring self actualization. Thats it just thought it was a cool discovery ✔ it out!!

[zhalar]

hello hello its time for my annual crisis on here, tumblrdotcom, since all other social medias have constructed standards etc. for me (ive constructed them for myself)

i just recapped my last year (from june 2019 to this day today, september 2020) from instagram story -archives and Guess. Fucking what. ive done like, 4 things this entire time. Four things in like 15 months. yeah SURE theres a whole ass p*andemic going on but like COME ON????? come onnnnnnnhhhgnfjh

literally what the hell am i doing with my fucking days. all ive ever done/ever do is sit and lag out on the computer. and im not even writing most of the time!! and i have no other skills!!!! and i Swear im not doing this in the sense “boohoo look at what all the other people have achieved i Dont Compare :’’’(” im doing this because dude, i have no memories or experiences, and even during high school, which has so far been the most exciting time of my life, i didnt do SHIT. times fcknig ticking my dude haha. i want to Live.

i started university this week (like, officially. we had an orientation week last week) and uh oh. gamers. i havent connected with any of the people in my... group ??? how do you speak to people when you dont have anything to tell, talk about. to compare to? no anecdotes. Only anxiety. obviously doesnt help that ive missed some quintessential group hangouts since uh the whole Current Situatión Around The Globe terrifies me and im Not gonna be hanging about large masses of people unless i Absolutely have to. what a ..... time to be a freshman, amirite?? online lectures would be absolutely baller if i understood Anything im supposed to be doing. i dont understand. Anything. i think im too lazy for uni, to be honest. i wasnt exactly great in high school either. i dont think i like studying? + english is One Bitch to study. i feel that when i read stuff (be it academic or contemporary) i just do not absorb any of the real deep, meaningful and important things im supposed to be getting out of the text.

online classes S U CK. i lose 85% of my speech and personality (the slight of it that exists in a tolerable shape) in live-video format. none of us want this, cant we just do these exercises alone, pl e a s e

i wish i could just go walking/cycling around town but i cant really do that, either? im So scared of looking like a person from The Countryside(tm) who doesnt know how idk traffic lights or rules work in big cities. godfuck this brain. or i dont even know if thats to blame.

i watched cavetowns music video “hug all ur friends” yesterday, cried my eyes out in a very sophisticated manner when it hit me that i havent REALLY hugged anyone since . february? and also that im not sure if i’ll ever have the sort of friendships that involve . full-body hugging. yknow, the kind where your arms are just all over the other person. running(jumping into a hug. jesus.

been experiencing gender bullshit also, these past couple [uhhhhhhhhhh]. guess im now “officially” using she/they, haha. god i.

hmm. i came out to two of my professors. thats a strange thing to address. tho the only reason i brought up the matter of “hey yo would be DOPE if ya guys could use “they” every now and then if speaking to/about me, thankyouuu” in the first place is Entirely thanks to the fact that these dudes sent us emails stating that if we wanted to be addressed with different names/pronouns, we could just tell them. that got me Bad, you guys, thank fuck for university level of understanding (???) fuking odd, all of this. gender sure as hell is just a vibe, and im vibing slightly to the left of it.

ok hhhhhhhhhh maybe this has been enough for this moment. i should be doing: SO many things but i just do not want to do any of them so like hhhhhhhhhhghrrgh. i need a real person in my life (like i mean. someone whos a professional? idk) to whom i can yell about these fuking things so i wouldnt have to rely on personal google docs and tumblrposts like this one to take care of my mental health.

im craving vegan kebab-fries so bad hhhhh how do you do business in restaurants you dont know beforehand