#it was weird to come back to uni after 2 years of pandemic and online classes and all of that. also im naturally shy and standing in front

[spaceradars]

god i really want to continue being a TA next year at uni please please @ god/whoever's out there, make it happen

[wizkiddx]

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master list

TOM

~ just for the record - tom gets caught preparing for a very big moment

~ slow burn - early morning workouts are your way of befriending your costar, even if it’s more like torture

~ you're still creepy bro - Tom turns into the readers knight in shining armour when they get ill during promo

~ 3 hearts broken [part 1] [part 2] [part 3] - an argument between you and tom, except it takes him hurting someone else for you to loose it

~ ‘it’ couple - fluffy blurb- Tom’s not-so-subtle physical affection doesnt go unnoticed by the media

~ hanging high - fluff, actress!reader and tom hungover and on a flight, that's abt it

~ just letting you know - Tom’s terrified to ask your dad a very particular question question

~ reasons why I hate the spiderboy - the father of the brides wedding speech

~ work with me - when tom doesn’t take advice and ends up very ill, very far from home, there’s one person whose stuck dealing with it

~ your voice - tom says something so stupid and has to deal with the consquences

~ supercluster - its toms birthday but he has a few things to get off his chest and into the night sky, y/n joins in with a bit of a revelation too

~ stay stay stay - sometimes tom can be the one in need too

~ sleepy sunsets - picking up tom from the airport blurb

~ living and reviving - when toms caught out all hope looks lost

~ baby bump chats - the story of your pregnancy through toms eyes

~ brotherly advice - tom wants to ask harry if he’s taking things to quick with y/n , which harry takes pure glee in

~ pretty boy face - what starts off as tom taking you under his wing and some sunrise workouts together might just develop into something more

~ zooming - online uni is hard when your boyfriend is intent in being a little shit

~ neutralise the escapee. - little bit of fluff while in quarantine cos you know ... the worlds gone mad

~ honeymoon morning. the morning after the night before, full of fluff and surprise and Tom being a lil jealous of Haz

~nothing’s changed at all - 2 years later and Paddy being a bit of a matchmaker

~ admit you miss me - FaceTime, pining and a pandemic- but still cute and lovey

~ moving on - change is scary and it makes you question the realistic future you and tom have

~ a father and daughter - me trying to write dad!tom and resulting in this

~ stop caring - angst reader has a panic attack and the only person to help isssss

~ a job offer - kinda a part two to stop caring, trying to patch up your relationship a small step at a time

~ or him - soon to be dad!tom predicts your babies gender

~ ...surprise part 1 part 2 part 3 this is angsty too, Tom comes home to found out you’ve been through hell and back while he was away, and he didn’t even know

~ a friendly face - bit if angst but mainly just fluff, read pays Tom a surprise visit when she finds out he’s struggling with the emotional stress cherry brings, while the Russo’ make Tom think long and hard... not just about stage direction

~ ruining the plan isn’t always so bad. Fluff!! completely based off the podcast Dom did after him and Sam surprised Tom filming years ago, but with the added component of y/n

~ two beautiful girls - just tom coming home to you and his 18 month daughter and to cuteness that would ensue

~ unusable faces - famous!reader and tom are worked to complete exhaustion so they sneak off together to find some rest bite

~ in your own way - people are just talented at different things and sometime y/n has to remind Tom that

~ the worst case scenario [part 1] [part 2] [part 3] [part 4] [part 5] - very very angsty , bcos childbirth isn’t always perfect in the slightest COMPLETED

~ birth photographer 2 - harry gets terrified by toms request about the birth of his child, but the reader smoothes it over

~ too early - fluffy blurb!!!! based off Tom’s early morning insta stories that had me melting ahah

~ wasn't expecting that - you run into possibly the most infuriating family members the one time u and ur boy are showing PDA

~ you cant hide - fluff, reader tries to hide being ill from Tom and it doesnt work

~ homework hell - tom struggles to help his daughter with maths homework and chaos descends

~ anti valentine - its hard for Tom to be romantic, when your the most cynical person going 

~ don't make it weird - life is sometimes not good, but your fave boy makes it just a little easier to deal with (with some original help from his brother too)

~ how he loves - the little things he does in boring day to day life

~ perfect no matter what - tom helps you to see your worth

~ bad advice - fluffy blurb, tom seeking Harry's advice on his relationship

HARRY

~ what do I do - first time the reader falls asleep on harry and he’s all scared and nervous and tom is like ugh

~ your song - harry never sings in front of you, until you need it

~ need your person part 1. part 2 - this is very angsty! but Harry really gets the wrong end of the stick of a situation and blows up much to the detriment of the person he loves

~ this bloody door - bad days and bad doors , but something does make it better

~ in the middle - oops only one bed left i wonder if the mutual pining gets outed?

[020may]

a message to my teens...

I’m starting this letter to myself on May 15, 5 days before I turn 20. As my teen years come to an end, I want to take the time to reflect a bit on who I am, as I venture into my twenties.

13

13 was the age that you graduated elementary school, and started high school. 

I remember being scared of the change into high school, and all the scary upperclassmen. I was worried how it would feel to not be in the same class all day with all the same classmates. But in a way, I suppose, I was excited to meet new friends. I was always told that in high school you make friends that you keep for a long time. And, I’m still friends with them today.

You wrote a letter to your future self when you were 13. In it you talked about how you were upset about the lack of a proper graduation ceremony and not being able to go to Playland or Cultus. I suppose I still wish we got to go, I know it would’ve been so fun. But I had other chances to go, and I had other opportunities to spend time and make memories with my friends and classmates. Something that you mentioned in your letter was that you were upset that you couldn’t walk criss-cross into the seats, and how it's the little things like this that make the ceremony something worth remembering. I don’t want to invalidate your feelings in any way, I know it was really upsetting, but I want you to know, in the future you completely forgot that walking in criss-cross was a thing. You’ll feel better about this with time.

14

To be honest, I don't feel like I can explicitly recall anything memorable from 14. I think this was when you started making some new friends, some of your closest friends to this day. I hope it brings you comfort to know that whatever troubles you were facing, future you doesn’t remember. Those social studies tests you worried and stressed so much about don’t mean anything now. Whatever grade you got on a project, really doesn’t affect you in the future.

15

I remember, when you turned 15, you had this epiphany of “oh my gosh I’m old”. 15 seemed like that age you always saw in movies and books and tv shows, and now all of a sudden you were that age. There was that time when you went to Vancouver Island, and at the ferry station, you were asked your age, and you weren’t used to being 15 so you said 14. It was a weird moment, and marked the moment where I started to become so self conscious of my age. At this age I started feeling old. (looking back you really were so young). 

I think it was at this age, school started getting a bit more busy and started mattering more to you. Your course load was definitely harder than in grade 8 and 9, and grade 10 marks started showing up on your transcript. I think you were learning for the first time on how to deal with all of these tests and assignments and projects. It 15 was the first time you started feeling overwhelmed at times, and sometimes you had dark thoughts. I want you to know that you got through it all. That despite those worries you had, things were okay. You were strong.

16

You made a portfolio for Mr. Roberts’s English 10H class. It’s really nice to look back on sometimes. I hope that you’ll make one in the future again, or rewrite some of the stuff in there. 16 was another special age of growth. I think when you were 16, that’s when you started to really care about how you looked. And that meant you felt insecure a lot. And that meant you hated the way you looked a lot, you hated it so much. 

You were in grade 11, and you started to feel pressure about university and what you would study in the future. Looking back in my diary, I can tell that you were stressed and you were lost and you were tired. I hope you know things will be okay. It’s okay to be lost sometimes. I hope you can learn to lean on the people around you. And don’t stress too much about university, you made it to one in the end.

17

At 17, you entered your last year of high school. 17 was another where I think I had an epiphany about my sudden oldness. I think the beginning may have been tough, you were worried about SATs and universities and essays and you doubted yourself a lot. At this age you started to care a bit less about others. Maybe it was because you were now part of the oldest students at school, and maybe it was because you knew all your classmates a bit better. You started to care a bit less about others, and you felt a bit more comfortable with class presentations, felt a bit more comfortable just being loud with your friends, but I know deep down you still cared a lot about what others thought. But I'm proud of how far you’ve come. I know at this age you definitely started reflecting a lot on your younger self, and you started thinking a lot about how you wished you did things differently when you were younger. I hope that you learn that this means you can start to change things going forward.

I think 17 was also an age where you started having more adventures with your friends, or just going out with them more. It was likely because you had more time after uni apps. But I really liked it. Artona pics, going out to eat, everything. They’re all precious memories. I think 17 was a really happy year for you.

18

18 was a very special age to you, and it’s a very special age to me now. It was a year of transition. Officially, you became an adult. You were old enough to vote. You graduated high school, and you moved to university. It was a new start into your adulthood, although it didn’t feel so much like adulthood and felt more like “what-the-hell-am-I-doing-hood”. A lot happened at 18. 

At 18, you finished your last month of high school. Honestly, it was the best month of high school. You went to prom, you spent lots of time with your friends, had many new experiences. You graduated high school, and on the last day when you were getting your yearbook signed, you saw a lot of classmates for the last time. A lot of people you realized you would no longer have any reason to see anymore. After graduating high school, you and your friends went on a grad trip. You went to Korea and Taiwan with them, and later to Shanghai by yourself. It was the best summer. It’s one that I think I will always look back on. A trip representing youth. I miss it a lot.

You then moved to Toronto to go to University. In high school, you were always excited by the thought of University. You looked forward to the independence, being able to go out with friends late at night, and being in downtown Toronto, where it was easy to go anywhere. But you remember right? You were so scared when you first moved. You cried on the first night. Some time throughout the year you cried many times. You missed home. You missed the comfort of being in a city you knew. It was hard. You were also shy, and had a hard time making new friends. I want to tell you that it’s okay. It’s okay to cry and miss home, it’s okay to feel lonely. It’s okay. You’ll be okay.

And then covid-19 hit and you got sent home. And things started getting weird.

19

And this is where I am now. It’s May 19, 10:30pm and I’m trying to finish this letter before midnight hits. 

This year was definitely special, not just for me but for the whole world. I spent the entirety of being 19 stuck in this pandemic. (I truly hope things can go back to normal soon.)

19 was definitely a tough year, and I really struggled a lot. With school being online, I found it hard to stay focused and motivated, and I fell behind a lot. I felt isolated. My mental health really plummeted, and I think it was lower than it has ever been in my life. I cried a lot, I was sad a lot, I thought about death a lot. It was a dark time, especially in the first half. I felt lonely a lot too. 

I think I started to get a bit better with a bit of time, and I was able to carry on with a schedule. I’ve been happier, but I’ve also been sadder. This year just seemed to pass by, with days bleeding into each other. School scares me, and the future scares me. It’s hard to think that in less than 2 years I will be graduating and moving even further into adulthood. I’m so scared. I don’t think I can handle the responsibilities, and I don’t think I can manage everything, and I feel overwhelmed just thinking about it. I’m scared of growing up. I’m really scared.

Going into my twenties, I’m scared of so many things that lie ahead. My teen years have always felt like they were supposed to represent my youth. Leaving that behind and walking into what seems like a completely new world is scary. But I hope I can learn to trust myself just a little bit more.

Good luck...

From, 

19 year old Jessica

[tahitianmangoes]

A long, rambling non-fandom post about loneliness

So I've been using Bumble BFF (like bumble for dating but for friends) for around 3 months now and it's really not great.

I thought it would be a good idea to meet new people in my area because making friends as an adult is seriously hard. Pretty much everyone at work is older than me and while I don't mind having older friends, they're very different to me - mainly cishet white ladies who are married with kids. And as much as articles and blogs about making friends as an adult will tell you to just "put yourself out there", a) it's not that easy, esp during a pandemic and b) it's not normal. I can't just strike up conversation with someone at the gym because not only is that annoying, it can be taken the wrong way (ie people think I'm hitting on them) and just come off as plain weird. People don't really just strike up conversation with strangers here and if it does happen, you're spending the entire conversation wondering when this weirdo is going to leave you alone. I also think people can sense desperation. Clinging onto a new, potential friend too tightly can also drive them away because it freaks them out. Being too available, too happy to do this and that for people... It reminds me of some cringey times I had at uni when I was just trying so hard to connect with people that I ended up pushing them away because it made them feel uncomfortable. I think I do it to the majority of people, whether they be real life friends or online. It led me to start thinking maybe I'm just better off alone.

I decided to use Bumble BFF after seeing an ad for it but it just ends up with me matching with people, playing messaging ping pong with them for a bit until one of us forgets or gets busy and then that's the end of that. A couple people added me on What's App but one just messages me about Kpop stuff (as we're both into Kpop) and doesn't seem to have any intention of meeting up and the other ghosted me. I've also ran into some transphobic profiles too which is not encouraging. I actually had the premium account for a while as it was on a discount and found the experience to be better despite not meeting anyone in person as now I think I'm shown less profiles and I also can't filter people anymore. I just assumed that people using an app to get new friends would be more interested in... making friends? Maybe I'm wrong. Some people just seem to want to grow their social media followings, find travel/gig companions, housemates and unfortunately lots of the men seem to be using the friend app disingenuously.

All of this to say, I'm still super lonely and haven't made a friend since downloading the app.

So I took a step back. My therapist said that maybe it's hard for me to make friends when I'm working on myself, which I can understand. Although I started therapy and I've started taking meds, it's only the beginning of my journey. So I was excited when an acquaintance of mine messaged me following a post I made on IG during pride month about being nb/trans. I've never "come out" publicly as I feel it's not important. They are also trans and suggested we hang out sometime. I gave them my availability and that was 2 weeks ago. The message is marked as seen and they've just not replied. Maybe I should have known as they tried to organise a hang out between us before which never happened either so maybe they're just majorly flaky but I can't help but take it to heart. I've really wanted more trans and nonbinary friends but finding them is just so hard, especially ones more my age.

I had told my therapist about all of this, saying that once I had stopped looking for friends, this person came to me and wanted to hang. But that turned out not to be true. And now suddenly I feel like that person all those years ago at uni, stretching myself, changing myself, doing whatever it took just to get someone to come back to my flat and watch stupid movies with me and hang out like normal people do. And even now, years on, I'm still being rejected and ghosted. I still can't make people stay.

I'd never voiced that I was lonely until I spoke to my therapist. It feels so stupid. People my age shouldn't be lonely, I should have an army of pals that I go on nights out with, to festivals with, on holiday with. But the truth is I have 1 friend and although I love her, our relationship was built on toxic foundations and now I've been having therapy and thinking more about the past, I can see that they abused me when I was super vulnerable. Sure, people grow and change and I have no doubt that she has in the 10 years I've known her but I feel a certain way about what happened and what she did and feel like new relationships might be better for me.

So I guess I'll continue matching with people on Bumble BFF and never hanging out with them, I'll keep scouring local meet up boards to see if I can pluck up the courage to go to something and keep trying to find trans/non binary events in my city.

Years ago, when I was a teen, I went through this weird phase of being obsessed with Sex and the City. In the movie on New Year's Eve, Carrie goes across New York to Miranda who's moved to Brooklyn and is spending the New Year alone because her ex has their kid that weekend. Carrie turns up on the doorstep with takeout and they spend New Year together. For some reason, I have that imagine in my head of friendship. I know it's unrealistic, movies aren't realistic but one day it'd be great to find the Carrie to my Miranda.

[thechampagnelovers]

Oh I totally feel you on HP. My mom used to read it to us and then I read the books myself when I was a bit older... Even if I always knew it was fiction I couldn‘t help but cry on my 11th birthday. And now I am 22. How time flies?? Ohhh and re-read! But take time for it, personally I always forget what a real escape from reality the books truly are. You totally emerge into a different world, if that makes sense. I started last year with books 1-3 and got stuck on 4 because of uni but it‘s like the fifth re-read so I wasn‘t that determined to finish, buttt I will set a goal to finish them until december 2021. 💪🏾

That‘s so cool how did you make uni friends or even people you talk to from uni in the pandemic? With us the meetings we get into are always super anonymous and everybody hates putting on their camera and barely anybody speaks except for the professor. It‘s really cold and clinic I couldn‘t imagine making friends under these circumstances. How was it for you? I definitely love and also prefer going to classes for... multiple reasons!

Yeah I can definitely see what you mean with the voice over! That is actually a pretty cool mental image. I agree that Tightrope is one of the best songs Zayn made so far. I had never heard Syd’s voice before but it’s beautiful isn’t it? I really enjoyed her voice, which is unusual for me, I am really picky with voices. Glad we both enjoyed the album. ☺️

Okay listen... Little Things and I, we have a love-hate relationship. I remember loving the fandom hype around it and the „you sing“ and the way it was the song we supported Niall with that always made me so happy. I don‘t know what I blogged/said about it before when I was younger but now, when it comes on, I let it play respectfully, ignore it, sing „you sing“ and then... move on hahahaha. I understand peoples rage at it, but it makes me too nostalgic. She is like a friend that just doesn‘t fit with you anymore and what you see/hear from them now is nothing you‘d ever surround yourself with, but because of those memories you just can‘t bring yourself to hate them, you know? I don‘t really have any hate songs like that, but there are some which I don‘t skip, but I just... you know? There are no words for that empty feeling ahsks. How was your weekend? How will your week be? I still have uni this week but it is a lot less stressful so I hope I will be able to pop in more often and talk/catch up/interact with youuu. x

i also cried on my 11th bday skdkslkd i love just how much we have in common, if i reread the books i think i will blog about it, just to annoy everyone sdkfklsd and we can share our thoughts! rn im reading a great book (not the other one from last time, a new one) its called the knitting circle and its so depressing but beautiful sdjklds completely opposite from hp

okay it really was a combination of factors: i already knew a couple people in the class, one or two people i already had classes with and there was a friend of my ex sjdjks and the same thing for the rest of the group. second thing: it was a creative writing class, so we all shared thoughts and ideas and thats how we built something so cool. and third: i think it was just luck that we all liked each other and had fun. i miss going to classes too, but if you find a cool group of people it can be super fun to have online classes too.

nil is just so so so good, zayn really did something so cozy and personal and warm, its totally a comfort album, a quarantine album. 

i looove your respect to it! tbh i kinda have to respect it too because it really was an iconic fandom moment only og stans can relate too but at the same time im so deeply traumatized by that song dkjjfksjkfs i just cant listen to it, i skip songs from time to time if im not in the mood for them but that song is probably the only exception to that, i just never listen to it. i would probably only listen to that song in a live concert, like if niall sings it (i know liam does all the time but tbh if im going to put myself through that, niall is the only one i can trust)

my weekend was weird, so so so weird. yesterday i spent all the day at the beach and it was great, i read my book, swam in the ocean, tanned and the weather was beautiful. i went to bed like at 2 am and woke up at 4 am with the worst period cramps, just like the last time :/ thank god i had ibuprofen this time, but i didnt sleep much after that. but yeah, i was in pain for a while and i got a little nauseous, but i was much better than the last time. my mom wants to take me to her gynecologist to check it out, and she says i should go back to take the pill and she’s right, im just. so lazy but i also hate this sm, its also really fucking up with my mood and ive been crying a lot today (although that part is not really that bad bc i struggle with crying and its good to cry from time to time lol, its the moon in scorpio what can i say)