#it was such a massive production and im so happy i got that experience

[octarineblues]

not to doxx myself but ive just seen player kings (with ian mckellen!!) and uhhhh it was so good. brb gonna explode.

[moonstruckme]

hi mae !! im currently in love with eddie, so i was wondering if you could write an eddie x fem!reader drabble, where they're in a long distance relationship and are finally getting to see each other in person again after a while of being apart? if isnt something youre interested in, i understand :))

Hi gorgeous, thank you for requesting!!

cw: mention of weed (Eddie deals but they're not smoking)

Eddie Munson x fem!reader ♡ 708 words

Eddie likes to think of himself as erring on the wild side, but you know he sticks to his routines the same as a crotchety old man. And even though he’s graduated from high school, he still deals to a few of the kids he knew when he was there. You’re lucky; you step into the woods behind the school right as the buyer is leaving, a scraggly kid whose head bobs as he walks and who looks at you like you might go tattle to his parents. You’re too excited to take offense. 

Eddie’s still sitting at his picnic table, one leg hiked up on the bench like he’s thinking of climbing up, closing the clasps of the tin lunchbox he keeps his stash in. He doesn’t startle as you come up behind him, just turns with a half interested look in his eyes. 

A laugh bubbles out of you when they widen comically. 

“Hey,” you say, picking up your pace to cross the distance to him. 

“Holy fuck.” Eddie nearly trips getting out of his seat. He leaves the lunchbox behind. “Jesus, what the fuck?” 

“Glad to see you too,” you laugh, putting your arms around him. 

And you know from experience that Eddie’s a fantastic hugger, but this one is a bit of a scramble. He’s rushed, greedy, hands starting at your sides and then wriggling their way across your back until he’s got you where he wants you. Pulled tight against him with his arms banded across the high and low points of your back, face pressed into your shoulder, your feet still touching the ground but just barely. The whole production makes your chest hurt, a gratifying ache.

“What are you doing here?” It sounds almost like an accusation, muffled affectionately into the material of your shirt. 

You can’t stop giggling. Eddie’s hair tickles your nose. “Crazy thing,” you reply, “they actually let us have summers off.” 

Eddie’s funny in that he almost never asks the right questions. The last time you’d seen him had been during winter break, and when you’d gone back to school and been calling every night, he only asked about your life there. Always what you were doing and how much fun you were having, infinitely sweet in his support of your college experience even if he couldn’t share in it, and in his curiosity he’d somehow forgotten to wonder when you might be coming home again. 

“Okay, smartass.” He gives you a happy little squeeze. “How long do I get you for?” 

“Until August.” 

Eddie makes a delighted moaning sound that sets your giggles off all over again. 

“Yes.” His tone evokes the feeling of a fist-pump without the follow-through of the actual motion, but his hands slip from around you. He grabs your face and kisses you hard. “Fuck yeah!” 

You’re grinning massively as you meet him kiss for kiss, arms crawling up around his shoulders. 

“Best. Surprise. Ever.” He holds you still for a series of quick pecks, deviating from your lips to kiss your cheek, your nose. “Shit, is it, like, super unromantic if I start taking your clothes off?” 

“Kinda,” you say, though you don’t deny him when one of his hands slips down to paw at your ass. “We’re maybe fifty feet from a high school right now.” 

“Mhm, mhm, but hear me out.” Eddie’s words are interspersed with little suctioning sounds, his lips planting themselves eagerly upon any bit of you they can find. “Back when we went here, that would have been the hottest thing, you know? We can even go under the bleachers if you want.” 

You don’t open your eyes, but they’re rolling. “My ovaries are quaking.” 

Eddie groans low in his throat and squeezes your ass teasingly. “So stubborn.” 

“We can go back to your place,” you offer. 

“No, no.” He sighs, heavy and dramatic. “We’d have to drive, and I’m not ready to be across a console from you yet.” Eddie backs you up until your backside hits the picnic table, helping you up and positioning himself between your legs. His arms wrap around you again, half makeout and half hug. “Let’s stay here for a while. Wouldn’t be able to focus on the road anyway.” 

[kiwibongos]

im writing Something for a little fic and i was putting stuff in my notes for later on and it really just made me realize like how fucked up hajime is after all the Horrors. like, emotionally. him rediscovering emotions entirely. (maybe someone has talked abt this before, i just wanna store this here)

because when he's less of a hollow shell, all there is is grief and guilt in his brain. but then as time goes on, he slowly rediscovers what it means to be human, and learns these feelings again one by one. and it has to be such an agonizing process too ? and when they do happen, theyre all extremely overwhelming, out of the blue, and most likely even caused by really small things. my dude will eat a stale piece of bread or even smell expired dairy products, suddenly relearn disgust and feel ABSOLUTELY nauseous and just hurl over lmaoo

but for as for more serious topics, like properly feeling anger again, it'd be ticked off by little shit, bc he doesn't wanna lose control like that cause the frustration doubles. it'd get bad when he makes a mistake too. he'd freak the hell out, because izuru was the embodiment of perfection, of every talent cultivated into one single brain, so he *cant* mess up, but its too much for him to handle cause he's so used to being under that obligation and expectation, but now that he's losing his stability over all that, when he messes up just *slightly*, he feels ashamed and tries to fix it as fast as possible, whether or not its a big deal. itd definitely be really hard to get out of the mindset that, even though hes not izuru anymore, he has to be perfect. to him, he has to stay that way. cause if he fails at all, then he can't protect his friends anymore. does that make sense. the pressure would be literally crushing

also shock/surprise/excitement. everything was predictable and boring to him as izuru, so obviously all of that is still a huge issue that still lingers within him after the simulation, so he'd probably overcome that first and be caught off guard a lot bc, well, he's learning to be hajime again, he's not *exactly* the op superhuman genius anymore (in my head at least. cause when two minds practically mash together weirdly it creates a horrible hit-or-miss concoction lol) so even basic things become brand new to him, and hes fascinated and curious by everyone and everything. not like hes never seen it before, but its like hes experiencing it for the first time, even if its just mundane tasks in life, new methods and alternatives to things, etc. he's generally a very observant guy, and would also pick up on little traits and habits from all his friends. i have the feeling people would rub off on him extremely easily

love, serenity and happiness itself would be extremely hard to tackle and learn, or even notice? i think of so many scenarios of how this could happen. cause like sure he can feel joy, he can be glad, proud, relieved, and smile because his friends are there. but he's still yet to experience what happiness truly is, what it means to him, and it's not something he can do alone. so it just takes a while for that big boom to happen. perhaps its up to interpretation how it happens, go for it idc i have alot of scenarios stirring up in my brain, but overall, i think him actually bursting with happiness and feeling genuine peace within himself, and realize hes grateful for the life he has, and the future he got to choose, would probably be caused in the process of moving to jabberwock island. just seeing all his friends on the boat and knowing they've made it this far, and theyre going to be starting a new life on this island, and that theyre safe, would be enough to just like hit him. like Ough. and thats when he actually consciously realizes that he's happy, when every other waking moment, there's been some kind of empty pit in his stomach eating at him for so long

on top of all of this, he cant really control his emotions very well, either. thats also another massive con to all of it, and a downside of relearning these things because of how strongly they came swinging back. its alot to handle. even if theres so much knowledge packed in his brain, one little thing like that could be enough to make him bluescreen. so he ends up just going on autopilot or stuffing all of it away, just to make the bad stuff stop. (it becomes a very unhealthy habit that bites him in the ass later. everyone is mad at him for not taking care of himself. hajime is then swaddled into a blanket with a kiss on the forehead)

anyway theres probably more to add and id get into the nitty gritty of specific shit but i had to impulsively dump this here so might as well put up the basics. makes me so excited to work on this fic more, even if its in a more somber, different context, i just love to think about hajime and how he works through his emotions and picking up his old traits. yknow, being himself. but at the same time he isn't doing it alone. let my boy be happy. let him find himself again and move on from izuru

[crescencestudio]

after i noticed the enchanted demo release i did a whole ass lap around the house and when i tell you im so close to biting my table every time the scenes change... THE ATMOSPHERE?? THE ART??? THE ENTIRE THINGYS?!?! i wanna bundle this all up and like,. absorb it, eat it even. I played through it straight, no pause no nothin'. im REPLAYING IT even and trying not to run laps around the rooms here. my brain chemistry has been altered. i saw the divine. i am not the same person i was like 2 hours ago. the love, the skill, the gui, the art, the writing the all of it, it's amazing, divine even. like, i want this painted on my ceiling. like im not joking i want this entire game painted on my ceiling.. i remember playing the very first demo and being FLOORED bc hello??? banger plot banger characters whats not to love (the #gayforkayn from like 2 years ago has a whole section in my heart LMAO). and now the enchanted demo is release, and im still so in love no even more in love with the game. seeing the work being done on alaris has been the one of the highlights throughout the time ive been around, and im so happy for you! so a big congrats to this milestone and all the work that has been done to get here! im writing this in a like half awake moment so dunno how much makes sense and also im sorry if this got long i swear it wasnt like this when i started. i be remembering and writing but the enchanted demo gives me the best shakes someone could get. but seriously, i can feel the love that went into this. my heart and soul are happy, and once again a massive congrats to this milestone and every bit of work done to reach it. the entire demo has so much love poured into it and every little piece of the game just makes me get those good shakes in my heart (if that makes sense). (I also did not mean for this to get a little bit long but, im just so proud and happy for you)

KARMA U R ONE OF THE OGS….. i literally remember u still from like the two years that have passed since the first demo. IT MAKES ME SO HAPPY TO KNOW U LIKE THIS VERSION TOO!!!!

revamping everything has honestly been a crazy and Extremely Tiring experience. i never would’ve imagined two years ago i would’ve been able to replace everything i have. the different vfx (snowblossom my beloved), text effects, assets, and just everything took up so much time to replace. a lot of times i wondered if it was even worth it since the changes felt small. but i rly do feel like seeing the end product now, it feels so different from the og and in a way the demo is a reminder of how far i’ve come on my dev journey compared to the og release 😭

so thankful as always for the ppl (new and old) who have watched over alaris’s development. it means a lot to know the ppl who have played the new demo can see how much work has been put into it and like it 💖 i sometimes get self conscious comparing alaris to intertwine since a lot of new ppl came here bc of intertwine. but its def moments like this that remind me how special alaris is to me just by virtue of it being my OG project. like this is literally my child

SO GLAD U LIKE IT KARMA (and whoever else plays!!) IT FEELS SO CRAZY TO HAVE BEEN ON THIS JOURNEY W U FOR SO LONG!!!’

[leggyre]

You got any adivce for someone who's considering dropping drawing completely since they don't like what they're making at all?

honestly i've been in the same struggle recently bc it just hasn't been a good year for me. i haven't been drawing a lot bc most of the time i'm either sick or i just.. can't. I've been picking myself up as of late and it's a really difficult grind, but honestly the fact i've been able to actually start this grind is already good for now. I guess that counts as advice; be patient with yourself. Self-esteem doesn't come easy and the little steps are worth so much more than you think.

ok so uh,

-if you just started, don't think about it too much. we all start with the weird scribbles. if you stop now you might never get back to it -if you've been trying to doodle often and always end up hating the result, just take a break. art block is seasoning for burnout and you might just be tired. a lot of times i've felt bad about my art i kinda "gave up" for a while and when i came back to it it was like "wtf this easy what was my issue (it was burnout)". so take a break, play some videogames or hang out with your friends for a week. idk write essays about the media you like? it feels like you're being unproductive but resting IS part of productive because just pushing yourself will just result in nothing being done at the end of the day. -look at your favorite work! im not quite out of my latest artblock yet because its a tough one(it's been teaming up with depression caused by health problems it suuuuucks :/), but when i went long enough without being able to draw I kinda started feeling like I can't do shit and can't call myself an illustrator at all specially bc what i do isnt that big of a deal compared to others(<- comparison also big mistake remember youre the only one who can make YOUR art), going through my folders and seeing the stuff I like the most gave me a LOT of motivation to keep going, even if I was still unable to start drawing right away. not giving up is so important. -so yeah love your art. focus on drawing things you like because it's a gift from you to you, and you should treat it as such. i know it's really hard to be positive about it all the time but it can be really good to go through all your artwork at the end of a day and look at the things you like about it, even if it isn't much. -on that note, find something you really like drawing!!! back in high school i had massive periods of depression that kept me from drawing but i occasionally found sort of a 'life hack' for myself which were things i was always able to work with even during the worst times. one of them was just.. bees. i just doodled random characters as these bees and made og designs too and it was fun. the other one was using colored pencils instead of a regular one bc i just like colors and it made me happy :] it didnt matter that they always had the same overall shape or if i couldnt erase when i messed up, i was just feeling good being able to draw something that i liked. -experiment more!! expand your palettes and download some new brushes. i even change from my newest to my old busted tablet that still sorta works occasionally because using a tool that feels different is.. refreshing somehow? idk -when you need to get yourself back up, do the little steps at your own pace. do a little doodle every day. it's okay if it's always the same thing. the same character. the exact same idea. it's okay if it sucks or if it's unfinished because you struggled. Just give it little pushes. What matters is to try. and it's okay if you can't do it every day. maybe every other day if you need a slower pace. -and remember. engagement doesn't measure your skill. art is subjective anyways!!!!! i spent YEARS doodling and posting only my ocs and getting little to no notes. i think one of my favorite artworks from the time i had ~100 followers had like 0 notes for the longest time. to be honest i don't even know if it has any likes at all nowadays i'd have to look it up bc it's a bit buried

[thenarrativefoil]

chronicly ill bitching

I feel like im chasing a weasel around my guts trying to fix 30 years of vit b deficiency.

got my GI MAP results back and saw the doc abt them and if I had candida I don't anymore (yay?) instead I've got massive STAPH and unsurprisingly, strep overgrowth and next to no good bacteria. and a lot of bleeding.

Weirdly, the things I've been taking for candida like undecylenic acid and oregano oil have been improving symptoms like joint and gut pain, and cystitis. Not sure how or why that's working, I expect there's some kind of suppressing effect on the other problem microbes that cause inflammation.

But I'm also experiencing an uptick in all of those symptoms and I'm not sure why. I have been experimenting with more histamine-heavy foods, which I am gonna stop doing. I have been exercising more (read: physical therapy 40 min 2x per week and walks).

I need to focus on eating more. I've figured out how to stay out of ketosis while maintaining the medical diet I'm following.

It's hard to like, know I need to Experience Symptoms to track down wtf is going on, but it's also really fucking painful and exhausting to experience symptoms. So I took some ibuprofen today to see if that touches anything. I think I'm going to give myself a break and order some food for lunch.

on the plus side of things I dyed my hair last night and also the various medicated shampoos in combination with JVN products seem to be working well! I'm really happy with how it turned out, and the henna darkened overnight from copper to a burnt orange. I was hoping for a deeper red but I can live with this. Will probably order a different kind next time tho. If you're gullible it almost looks like a natural color and idk if I can abide by that lol

[beardisable]

yall. discovering the good omens parody made me rewatch @thehillywoodshow parodies i remember from my teenhood and.

this makes me experience shrimp emotions. idk where to even start explaining how this makes me feel. but ig i will try

like first of all the fact that ive watched enough of this show to know all the references. and that all these references happened at all and this show happened at all and that i watched most of it and loved it as a teen. its like awe and suprise and nostalgia and sadness and joy and a little bit of mortification but then vindication for having been so passionate about something and enjoying it

second of all the song, im not a massive fan of swift and never really was but shake it off and a lot of her stuff was pretty unavoidable during those years, and i def cant deny this and others are absolute bops and still make me smile and dance... and the message is positive and fun, the way lyrics are changed in the parody mostly fit really well and sound really good so its a song i can enjoy without the context too

and how its like. intentionally combining this... idea of a misogynistic perception of fandom that used to be a lot more prominent, of like the "squeee fangirl" and just being super silly and fun because why the fuck not! and combining it with this show, which is (at least at the start meant to be) more like kinda broody and classically masculine and stuff, and just embracing that combination so genuinely and happily, it was so wonderful to see in 2015 and still so wonderful, and such a fuck you to THA HATERS literally

and just. the production quality is incredible and inspiring, theres so much going on so many scenes and so many meme and culture and show references that bring a smile to my face, the cosplay is wonderful and high quality and makes me want to cosplay spn(really? oh god) for the first time again...

and the fact that they got so many actors and people involved with the show involved!! seeing fancontent aknowledged by "official" sources is still pretty baffling to me sometimes, and it def wasnt as regular in 2015 as it is now to my knowledge, so this was super BIG and awesome back then...

i fell off the latter end of spn, so the only like offical fan depictions and fandom aknowledgements in the series itself i remember are Fan Fiction and the novels and the larper ghostbusters?? or whatever, and those werent always the most sympathetic, or rather made fun of the fandom... which like, parody is fine, spn is a fun meta show, but it did often feel somewhat meanspirited and disapproving, which i understand but dont like. So seeing a fan-MADE parody that is just genuinely celebrating the work AND its fans is such a joy!!!

im just... :') god what a wonderful video and time to look back on and remember, it makes me so happy this exists

im sure all of this was said when this released but 14 year old me certainly couldnt have expressed this, or very literally have the like. context of looking back on this in a historical and cultural sense lmao so. Thinks about <3

[prettyboykatsuki]

PLEASE TUMBLR WONT LET ME REBLOG THE RIN FIC SO I JUST GOTTA TELL YOU HERE INSTEAD OF TAGS

Ive set aside this fic for days I knew I had to have the perfect mood to experience it fully I was all cozy and everything, full anticipation and it was everything I wanted and more

I've never had a fluffy highschool romance but im sure if i did (in a shoujou manga way) this was exactly what it'd feel like everything felt so real and sweet and true and lovely and you did that!! you made me feel so nice and warm and wrapped up!! You captured Rin so perfectly and the banter and dialogue felt so natural and correct it was like life was just happening. All his inner feelings and confusion were so well articulated i could feel it myself!

Absolute work of art and I'm so glad you shared it with us I love all your work and I loved this especially and its 100% going in my mental fav fics of all time list. It was fun seeing your updates all throughout you writing it and I want you to know that all that work and rin brainworm turned into a gorgeous product that I and I'm sure everyone who read it loved. Thank you so much for sharing your work!!

ohh im going to cry my eyes out right now

YOU SET IT ASIDE JUST FOR ME.... IM SO FLATTERED!! i also like to do that for certain fics but someone doing it for mine...am blushing a bit

i too didn't techincally have a fluffy hs romance but i am a big shoujo manga fan so i wanted to give it that vibe but also give it a bit more depth and realism so im very very happy about that. and im even happier that you felt like rin was in character bc i was truly horrified it wasnt gonna come across that way

a WORK OF ART?? AAA!! i will sob on the spot. thank you for READING my work and giving me good reason to share, it means a lot. it even got on your faves!!!! what a massive honor!! im glad my updates were fun to watch dkjsdkj they were helpful to cope while iw as losing it. i love u sm!!!

[crazy-random-bookworm-17]

thanks for the tag! those trips sound like so much fun. im a bit late but i havent been on tumblr recently so forgive me lol

I let go of a toxic relationship that was negatively impacting me. Idk if it counts, but it was quite a monumental change for me, and technically a good thing.

I finished a year in my old school with amazing connections and tons of happy memories. It was time to move on and grow, though.

I finally got a pretty good part in a musical, plus one who matches my personality pretty well. The Genie in Aladdin. Finally no longer in the very back of the stage :)) The production was one of the most chaotic but also best things I've gone through.

I started a new school with absolutely no difficulty. I slid in there and became the best person I could be somehow. No transition all result lmao

I made a bunch of new friends and let go of the old ones that didn't really hold on. I'm glad with my decision.

I made a lot of (small) achievements that pleased me, from being accepted into my favourite clubs to writing--even just two sentences--more often (roughly every other day).

I won awards in a business competition with no previous business knowledge. Provincials is next, this year :))

I learned to take time for myself, which positively impacted me. My confidence has seriously improved.

I read a ton of great books and also started to take my spending more seriously--the library has become my best friend. I've read amazing books but only brought around 10 books this year. That's an achievement to me!

I took a volunteering opportunity to help a teacher who used to teach me. It's a pretty great experience although I am convinced I don't want to be a teacher (the volunteering helped me discover this)

It was really nice to reflect on the past year!

Taglist (I undrestand if you don't do this cause its pretty late lol) (if you don't know me thats because I just massively reblog your posts but we've probably never talked): @thebonecarver @lostnevarrite @kazoo-the-demjin @the-blackdale @kazzyboy @solispin @kacya @adri-writes-17 (this is my way of saying i love you although i know you'll never do this) @eliza-the-bet (this is also my way of saying i love you although i know you'll never do this) @roaaoife

Happy New Year ✨✨✨

It’s almost 2023, so let’s celebrate the good things that happened to us in 2022! List ten amazing things that happened to you this year and then send this to ten people who brighten your day!

thank you for the ask this is such a lovely idea and way to show gratitude!

1. I got closer with my friends and made new ones!! Both people here on tumblr and my real friends at college and I’m very thankful for that <3

2. I got to travel a lot and see new places! Traveling is one of my favorite hobby and I was so glad to see so much of the world this year. (tsc related i got to see rome <3 for malec)

3. despite struggling with my mental health i took a LOT of classes and kinda kicked ass in (some of) them yay education

4. I learned more about myself, my values and what I want from my life and I’m excited about that!

5. This is so dumb but watching my tv shows!!! I started watching greys in October, had 911 and 911 lone star throughout the year and shadowhunters is always my show before bed so i can see my good friends the tmi gang <3 in 2023 im going to tally how many times i watch shadowhunters 1x12

6. I got to read a LOT of fanfiction!!! specifically works of @khaleesiofalicante (i love you Dani!!) but fanfiction in itself is so so cool because it gives existing characters a whole new realm and it’s awesome and it’s my coping mechanism.

7. I became even closer to achieving my dreams. Not to be cheesy but i am applying for a Dream internship very very very soon and everything i did this year career wise was really amazing and helped me grow!

8. i think i did a good amount to get out of my comfort zone! even tho it was so scary it did help me grow as well and my 2021 self would NEVER believe what I’ve accomplished!!

9. I realized my worth and have come into myself more! I think knowing yourself is really important and I think I’ve done a good job at establishing who I am (this is similar to #4 but I’m proud of myself) I feel like you can even see this on my blog a bit because I’m not JUST tsc anymore I talk about my life sometimes

10. SOBH!!!!! sobh was one of the highlights of my 2021 and 2022 year and im so thankful for the laughter and the tears it gave me and how much I looked forward to Mondays because of it (and 911!)

here’s to 2023 yay tumblr!!

tagging (sorry if you’ve already been tagged and no pressure!) :

@khaleesiofalicante @becauseshesmiledatme @magnus-the-maqnificent @queenlilith43 @dustandducks @alec-not-alright-wood @tea-and-a-clandestine-agenda @elettralightwood @make-me-ur-aphrodite

Anyone else feel free as well to join!

[flower-zombie-rob]

A lengthy critisism of in space with markiplier

Well i got through all the endings... all glorious three of them.

And i just... look i know so much work has gone into this and the production is increadible. The characters are fantastically designed the actings great the sets are phenominal but if im honest with you i just dont like it.

Im going to go through my few issues with it in this post so spoilers ahead!!!

I want to preface this review by saying that if you loved in space with markiplier and could watch it forever, all power to you!!! I am so happy you could find an enjoyment in this and I will talk about things that were very good. The production was so high and the acting directing costume and in general design was incredible from all parties including Mr. Youtuber himself. The sets were very good and the effects just keep getting better and better with each project more releases. It was a bold new take and it was interesting and fun to see market experiment with space related themes.

Now. Time to be the film critic that i am:

Ego Lore

So, going into this I was expecting some hardcore ego related lore. I mean who wasn't? It was a massive project that would have more fun adventures with plenty of different endings where we always expect lore. There is always lore. We were wrong to think that, to be honest. If there is any in there it's very hidden and none of it is very obvious at all which can be great for easter egg hunters and matpats of the audience, but for the general/casual viewers and fans of mark's ego verse, it was just sad and disappointing to know that we wouldn't get to see and appearance of dark or wilford or celine and damien or even Yancy. We had a small reference to Illinois, but it had nothing to do with anything but a throwaway gag in a strange one of the few endings. There wasnt even an unus annus referance! I know everyone was excited to see a new part of the deep story being extended, but I just don't think there was much of it there for the people who were excited and ready to see it. I honestly do think it suffered from the issue of being based mostly on the ship when others of his "choose your own story" style videos have had varying other locations from islands to prisons to cinemas to parks. They dont start there, but they go there unexpectedly and that drives the plot forward. As great as the ship is, it really doesn't give way to any kind of creative or ego-related visuals other than the blues and reds and long winding grey corridors of generic scifi. And just means that furthermore, there's even less references to egos.

Characters we got

The character lineup was brilliant, if only I could remember any of them. The problem was the mixed, crazy and all over the place narrative leading to an inability to properly understand or even really get know the characters the way that we have in the past. We got to know Yancy and had long action scenes with Illinois as well as big scary moments with darkiplier because the narrative was linear and we could understand their backstories and their in-general appearances were fun, but made sense and were easy to follow. In space with markiplier, however, has a twisting, turning, spiralling and looping narrative that no one can really navigate and/or figure out, which really distracts you from understanding, relating to and just simply enjoying these wacky characters. I just finnished less than an hour ago and i dont remember any names of these characters other than like wug, was it? They barely get any time to be the on-screen focus and don't get a lot of good moments in between the crazy plot. The characters, because of this, came off as unintentionally unmemorable and uninteresting especially when compared to characters we've met in the past, which really sucks because these actors worked so hard to come across strongly with their characterisation and the costume design was great for each of them, but alas nothing could save them from their forgetability.

Missing characters

Okay so here is where we talk about the bit that isnt specifically marks responsibility. He shouldn't have to cater to his fan base every single time he makes a passionate project and it is in no way his responsibility to fix things if we are disappointed with who did and didnt show up in his series. However!!! It was very disappointing for me personally. Basically all of the fun and plot driving characters that we have seen consistently show up in his previous works are gone from this one. There was no big iconic darkiplier monologue. There was no fun and goofy moment where we were blast into Wilford's world of madness. There was no visitation to the prison for yancy. The scene with actor mark felt cheap and underachieved. The scene with illinois felt short and solumn with lost potential. I think there was only one 100%, legitimate appearance of a single character that we have met before in this entire special. These characters grasped the hearts of the previous series fans and grew far beyond just their individual clips and endings, yet here they are nowhere to be seen. I just have a problem with that since it seems almost as if the writers are unaware of the key aspects of marks previous works that made (and still make) them so loved... and that hurts. As someone who is going into filmmaking in the future though specialised filmaking education, I've been told constantly how important it is that you understand what makes something successful and what makes characters so interesting and connectable with the audience. And especially what makes it continue past its release date. It sadly seems like "in space with markiplier" just abandons so many of the important things that really made the previous "choose your own adventure" experiences so great.

Plot

This is the main complaint I have entire thing. What was the plot? What was the story? Why are these things happening that aren't so much funny-random as previous works have been, but are more just plot contrived inconvenient-random? Everything that happens on the ship is agonisingly annoying and confusing. Pathways lead to the exact same ending but with different names and intricate interwoven choices make it 100 times harder to simply sift though endings and choices one by one. Furthermore, it feels like my choices barely matter because there's not much I can do that doesn't lead me down a path I've already been down. Whats different about this clip? Do i need to watch it again or have i already seen it? Did something slightly change and i didnt notice? Where was i? Which "wake the crew" did i just do? The fourth? The fifth? Whats the difference? Which version of the timeline am i on and how do i get back? Did i reach an ending yet? Whats the light, a reset button? Should i just give up? It is an impossibly infuriating way to do a narrative story and it makes it incredibly difficult just to do the physical mapping-out of endings. I straight up debated giving up on even getting one ending after doing the same thing 5 times in row to figure out whether there was a difference in what choice I made. In none of his other works did I find it this frustrating and unmanageable to simply find one ending or even determine what an ending counted as in this version of events. It made me unmotivated to even bother finding out what the ending was and that's a very bad sign as I usually really enjoy getting every single variable. Instead, I was simply bored and frustrated and just wanted to get to the whole thing over with. I would have loved to have a narrative where I even knew what was going on half the time.

Endings

In the whole "game" (if you will) there was 3 endings. Last time there was around 31. That is so anti climactic and need i even say more on why it is such a disappointment to just keep sifting back to the same 3 endings. It became boring and tiresome very quickly and I now just end up wondering after every run: was that it? All that work for that again? What was even the point?? I know that was the whole effect being created and that the loose plot demanded us to be stuck in an endless loop, but I mean come on. This production was massive and all we got out of it was the same two boring endings that left me just as confused and unsatisfied as when I started, and one singular throwaway ending that you have to do a very specific run to get and is the only ego appearance in the entire thing. This is the bit that I just unforgivably dislike about this project. 3 endings for this amount of effort is laughable and, in my opinion, just lazy writing. You had an incredibly compelling universe and story to tell, yet you only settled with 3.

Expectations vs reality

I think it was unrealistic of me to have the expectations that I had of this. But even so, the amount of people who were excited to get some backstory on Celine and maybe even some fem Darkiplier were rampant. Bingo cards were filled with us visiting Yancy on parole and mark coming out with a new alter ego character or a plethera of other previous tropes that made us love these things. I expected lots of locations with the kind of budget that was shown for this project. Alongside that, I expected compelling characters and interesting new situations that differed from anything we expected. Alas, we stayed on the ship and in space and in these repetitive situations and visually similar locations for hours on end, just sifting through a million repeat scenarios in hope that there's more than 2 generic endings and an Illinois reference. It just wasn't worth it in my opinion and I can't see myself watching it again, which is sad because I could watch a heist with markiplier on and on with friends and even go back and watch a date with markiplier repetitively, enjoying it every time. But this edition just left a sour taste in my mouth I was unsatisfied with the product I waited so long for and i just feel sad about it. I sort of felt that none of it lived up to what the trailer indicated or what the hype gave away. I just hope i don't find these issues in the next one because I really really do hope I enjoy it.

I am honest-to-god such a big fan of mark and his creative content. His filmmaking is impeccable, and thats comming from someone with a passion for the craft who studies it, and his story writing skills are hilarious and fantastic at a consistent rate so far. But in a disappointing turn of events, I just can't bring myself to enjoy in space with markiplier. At least not in the way I've endlessly sound contentment in his previous work. It's just let me down.

[drgnbld-a]

𝐆𝐄𝐓 𝐓𝐎 𝐊𝐍𝐎𝐖 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐌𝐔𝐍

— 𝐁𝐀𝐒𝐈𝐂𝐒

(𝐏𝐄𝐍)𝐍𝐀𝐌𝐄: lucas / ewan 𝐏𝐑𝐎𝐍𝐎𝐔𝐍𝐒: they/them c: 𝐙𝐎𝐃𝐈𝐀𝐂: leo 𝐒𝐈𝐍𝐆𝐋𝐄 / 𝐓𝐀𝐊𝐄𝐍: taken ! 

— 𝐓𝐇𝐑𝐄𝐄 𝐅𝐀𝐂𝐓𝐒

𝐢. i have a degree in archaeology and it’s also now my job. at some point i’d love to go back into academia but right now the dopamine says get dirty and dig.

𝐢𝐢. when i was younger and really into acting, i was asked to join the RSC. i had just finished being part of a massive production on stage and it seemed a few important peeps from the rsc were there too  (  not that i remember who it was a good decade ago  )  who got a small group of us at the end and asked if it was a career choice we’d be interested in doing. at the time that was my dream but financially my parents couldn’t afford to send me so we declined. sad times, but life’s worked out pretty well since.

𝐢𝐢𝐢. again, when i was younger, i was competing in national athletics for a few years and was earning silver meddles in the 100m and 200m races. i also received a gold medal in the u15 long jump and in the same competition took the place of someone else who couldn’t make it and earned bronze in the u17s which was rad. but again, money became an issue so i couldn’t afford to train after that. 

— 𝐄𝐗𝐏𝐄𝐑𝐈𝐄𝐍𝐂𝐄

used to do small bits of rping with a friend over msn chat and hadn’t realised rping was a thing people did so i’m not really going to count it but i guess that was the dipping my toes into writing a character. my first proper writing experience was in 2011 just before the first thor movie came out  (  followed some people who wrote as thor & loki and i became obssessed with the idea of channelling a character? like that was so cool to me  )  and had the same blog for a small while. so, around 10 / 11 years experience.

— 𝐌𝐔𝐒𝐄 𝐏𝐑𝐄𝐅𝐄𝐑𝐄𝐍𝐂𝐄

not really a lot of preference for other peoples muses, i vibe pretty easily with any sort of character as long as i know the fandom. as for myself, i do tend to go for the ones with adventure running through their veins and project some any form of mental health i suffer with  (  or represent me in some way  ). because of that i tend to go for muses of any background  (  ie. i write as j.acob f.rye from ac as well as an oc for the franchise, but i’ve also written m.ysterio in the past  ). 

— 𝐒𝐔𝐁-𝐆𝐄𝐍𝐑𝐄𝐒

𝐅𝐋𝐔𝐅𝐅: i love any form of fluff  !  romantic, familial, friendship, you name it. i am a soft bean and my muses deserve some of that softness. give this man some friends >:(

𝐒𝐌𝐔𝐓: written it once or twice and let me tell you, i’m terrible at it. whether it’s the super ace inside of me or something else entirely i haven’t got a clue. reading it is fine, but writing it myself makes me cringe a little bit. talking about it  (  even in just ims  )  is also fine so :shrugs:

𝐀𝐍𝐆𝐒𝐓: >:) gimme. i feel most people like a bit of angst here and there because there’s gonna be scenarios where it’s applicable. i prefer writing adventure threads as a whole rather than sticking to just angst or fluff, but i do enjoy sprinkling it in for some juiciness. 

— 𝐏𝐋𝐎𝐓𝐒 𝐯𝐬. 𝐌𝐄𝐌𝐄𝐒

definitely a weird combination of the both. memes are preferable just because of how busy i am these days and can’t put in the effort i really want to in plotting, but as long as my writing partners don’t mind spreading the plotting over the course of a few days then i’m happy to. but memes can get the ball rolling and can even lead to plotting down the line  (  i sometimes add stuff in the tags so if you have a way you want the thread to go, lets talk!  ).  

— 𝐓𝐀𝐆𝐆𝐄𝐃: @vagasbonds​  !!  caboose my LOVE.

𝐓𝐀𝐆𝐆𝐈𝐍𝐆: @crimsonsavior  ,  @griefdestined​  ,  and anyone who wants to !!

[devouringyourson]

Your job sounds cool as hell, if you don’t mind me asking, did you roll into it more from a film/theatre thing (studies or other) or from a logistics/supply chain side? Also do you like it?

hiya thanks! I studied history and politics at uni but knew I wanted to get into tv so I ran a student tv station and did lots of networking and work experience stuff. When I graduated it took a while but I eventually got a job at a crime documentary company. I stayed there for a year ish and worked my way up the ladder to a production coordinating role. I did that for factual broadcasting for a few different projects (crime stuff and ancient history mainly)

I wanted to get into drama as it looked more fun and is better paid and I was lucky that a big drama was coming into my local area. Generally there aren't enough production staff in the management side of things and we are very difficult to recruit so it was quite easy to transition into my current position. TV is an odd one as that first credited paid role is almost impossible to get but once you're in, as long as you're a hard worker, it's relatively easy to move up/side ways into something you want.

I think I like my job it's weird going from being in charge of a whole project and a whole small crew to being a tiny cog in a massive machine but I also like having less responsibility overall. I'm tempted to manoeuvre into a more creative role but im perfectly happy getting the opportunity to read scripts and visit sets and see costumes and stuff from my more secure organisational side of things. I do a lot of work helping with access schemes and helping entry level people apply for stuff in tv and film as im really passionate about getting in a diverse group of people. I really struggled not knowing anyone in the creative field and it's sadly very much still who you know and whose parents will pay for them to a do a fancy film course so if anyone wants any advise my DMs are open (UK specific knowledge unfortunately it's very different globally)

[alienheartattack]

Hii! I am also a rivamika shipper and omG I love all of your fanfictions! They are so well written and I smile whenever i read one of them. From ur fics, Im guessing rivamika is ur OTP? But- I have been so inspired by ur fics that I want to write my own Rivamika fanfictions, but my writing is nowhere near as good as urs. Do you have any tips on how I can improve?

Thank you so much for your message! It makes me so happy to know that other people enjoy my fics. There's really nothing better when you're reading a story and the feels hit and you've just got this big grin on your face, so that's the feeling I try to go for when I write.

I would say strictly based on the sheer volume of fic I've written, Rivamika is definitely my OTP. I've had other OTPs in the past but I'd never published much fanfiction for them because I tended to join fandoms well past their peak, but there's a definite theme in all of my shipping adventures: a talented but difficult man and the equally talented woman who sees through his bullshit. (I was really into House/Cuddy from House MD back before the show made them canon and then sunk the ship into the Mariana fucking Trench in like 8 episodes. Everyone, please count your blessings that Rivamika isn't canon.)

As for improving your writing... I'm going to try not to write a novel about this because I have Many Feelings About Writing. First off I would caution you not to compare yourself to other writers, but rather look at them as sources of inspiration and emulation. (Mainly I just feel weird when younger fic writers compare themselves to me, since I have an extensive background in writing and editing, I've read a ton, I studied writing in college, and during my last fandom hiatus I got into live comedy and wrote multiple sketch and variety shows as well as a whole-ass play. One of the reasons why I'm as good as I am is because I've been doing this for so long.)

The very unsexy but true answer is that good writing is born from discipline and developing your own practice. Every creative writing teacher I've had has said something along the lines of, "I cannot teach you how to write. I can give you tools and the opportunity to workshop your writing, but you have to figure out the writing process that works best for you." Some people are more productive in the morning or at night; you might write longhand, on your phone, or on a computer; you might start writing with only inspiration to guide you or you might outline extensively before you start. You have to figure out which of these methods work best for you and figure out how to schedule time to write. (Personally, I write mostly at night, I outline extensively, and I take notes on my phone whenever inspiration strikes me because I know I'm going to lose the idea unless I write it down immediately. It's taken years of trial and error to get to this point. My process is still pretty haphazard but it's what works for me.)

To write well, you have to write a whole lot of shit first. It's just a fact; my first drafts are absolute trash and I hate them a lot of the time, but I try not to get discouraged because it's just a skeleton of the final product. You're probably not going to like what you write at first, but all that means is that your skill level doesn't match your taste level yet. If you let that piece of writing sit for a while and come back to it after you've done more reading and more writing days or weeks later, you'll be able to better identify what you don't like and be able to fix it. Ideally you want to do some kind of writing every day or close to it, whether that's writing down an idea in your notes app, scribbling in a notebook on your lunch break, dedicating yourself to a practice of morning pages, or something similar. Even spacing out and thinking about your story can be productive, but only if you write down what you come up with.

Aside from discipline, being a well-rounded writer boils down to developing several core skills:

Reading: You want to read everything you can get your hands on — and I mean everything. The goal is to train yourself to identify writing that you like and to be able to explain why you like it, then employ those devices and concepts in your own writing. Even if you're only planning on writing fiction, there's still amazing writing to be found in nonfiction. (Food writing and travel writing in particular tend to be very evocative in their descriptions.) I also take inspiration from poetry for its impactful use of language. The more you read, the more ideas and stories and references you'll be aware of, and you'll be able to pull inspiration from a wider breadth of resources. If you're still in school, learning critical reading in your literature classes applies here: being able to identify themes, character traits, tropes, rhetorical and literary devices, etc. will help you develop your own preferences and taste.

Researching: I use a dictionary and thesaurus whenever I write. I have a whole folder on my computer of writing resources I've compiled over the years. I google things all the time, even really dumb stuff or basic facts just so I'm certain that I got it right. I think the old adage of "write what you know" doesn't mean that you can only write based on your life experience; rather, you can teach yourself about all kinds of subjects and write about them with a degree of certainty without having directly experienced them yourself. For example, when I write fanfiction with a Rivamika baby, I figure out what I need the kid to do (walk, say cute things, etc.) and then research infant development to see how old the child needs to be in order for these things to be realistic. I once got some feedback on Inexorable that Hana was written like a real child, which made me feel amazing because at the time I was literally never around babies. However, I was able to draw on my limited past experiences with other people's kids and my own research to portray a young toddler somewhat accurately.

Editing: It is a massively helpful skill to be able to read your own writing and approach it with a distant, critical eye. I worked on my high school and college newspapers and learned how to edit other people's writing that way. (Beta reading is a good way to practice this skill.) Being edited at the paper also taught me to stop being possessive over my own writing, even when I thought it was brilliant. Writing is about conveying ideas to another person, usually a total stranger, which means clarity is ultimately more important than adding artistic flourishes. I've also recently started using the Grammarly plugin for basic grammar stuff that I tend to forget. This also ties in with reading; the more you read, the more you'll be able to identify and replicate more effective writing, and the easier time you'll have identifying deficiencies in your own writing.

I've written enough already (I wasn't kidding about the novel) so I'll close with one last tip that is universally helpful: read your writing out loud. Most of the time, you can figure out what you want to say simply by verbalizing it or you'll realize, "Oh, no one talks like this, I would have said X in this situation" and that'll help you write more clearly and realistically.

I love talking about writing (obviously), so feel free to inbox me if you have more questions!

[championofdnd]

Gonna rant for a bit. Normally I wouldn't put anything about work online but I am so freaking frustrated. I came into this job (Sys Admin) with 0 experience. My boss and team lead knew this. In my interview (with both of them, not with hr) I was very honest about how much I actually knew.

So they hire me for my enthusiasm. I spend the first week getting my work station set up, doing the mandatory trainings, and learning people's names. The standard. And then I ask for work... The team lead is swamped with an emergency fix, use this website to start working on this cert that we want you to get. Okay cool I get it, I'll ask again tomorrow, and the day after that, and the next week... And oh I got access to the servers, I need to go test my log in to ALL of them k. Anything else I can do to break the tedium? Documentation. Documentation of what? Oh right of stuff I haven't been shown how to do... Okay...

Like I can go google how to create a user on the system or how to install an operating system, but that doesn't tell me how your system is set up. Even if i had experience I'd still be asking, hey whats this server for? How do we move code between the environments? What software suites do we use for this task? Do we have a license for this product and what does the license allow? How do we normally access the systems, as root, as an individual user, as a group user?

And since I have 0 experience, I don't always have the right words to ask the question. So I end up with a lot of just show me. But I wouldn't get shown unless I ask 100 times. And I take notes but they aren't perfect so I have to come back later for clarification. But I'm expected to have finished this document on how to do this process I've seen done once so the doc can be used in an AUDIT??? So it has got to be right! And yeah my team lead is to busy to review it...

So I talk to my boss every week or so, how are things going. Well I've been working on the cert training and I've learned this and that recently. Does team lead answer your questions? Yeah sometimes he takes a while to get back cause he's always swamped but he's super friendly about it when I do get ahold of him. (Did I mention I started this job during quarantine, so guess who wasn't physically in the office the first 4months, team lead, so I'm relying on him answering my calls or calling back or responding to email/im). I mention it'll be easier when he can come back into the office but I of course understand why he can't at the moment. So boss asks if I have enough work. Well, I have a hard time getting work from team lead cause he's always swamped so finding time to delegate work is hard especially since he's so used to working alone but I'll keep asking and also since I don't have a lot of experience it can be hard cause he has to set aside to show some basic stuff. But again once he's in the office I'm sure it'll be better. Until then im keeping busy, after all itsy IT there's always plenty to do and it all needed to be done yesterday! So I'll keep working on that cert for now.

I pick up a few new small tasks every week, and report what I'm learning to boss. He double checks I'm busy enough cause he doesn't want me getting bored and leaving, they really want to keep me on. At some point I ask the receptionist if I can help her out with anything since team lead is swamped and my work load is light. I get chewed out by boss a few hours later and team lead calls and says he can give me some work tomorrow (which he does).

So I finally get to start ramping up it seems, boss wants everything I'm learning documented yesterday but I shrug that off cause that's normal IT proceedure. But team lead is still swamped so it takes a day to get answers to anything especially since he's still working from home.

This whole time I'm hearing about all the mistakes my predecessor (actually the last three) made, and how it's left team lead gun shy of trusting people with certain environments. And I'm like you know that's fair, I'm really process driven and quite cautious so I think it will work out. And so I'm like hey why don't I watch you do it a few times and then I'll do it a few times with you watching over my shoulder to point mistakes before I make them and then I can give it a shot on my own. And that's a great approach for me, makes me more comfortable with the work, and it's supposed make my team lead more comfortable.

So we're about 4mos in. Team lead comes back into office. There's some adjustments to be made. My workload is a rollercoaster of several things due yesterday to just doing cert training cause team lead is swamped and I know better by now than to bother asking. I'm still pretty well giving the same update to boss. There's been a few hiccups, missed a meeting here, messed up something small here. I learned how to fix the mistakes, documented everything for future reference. Boss says what matters is we don't make the same mistake twice. And I show where I documented it and I dont make the same mistake twice.

And so month five I ask boss if they're gonna hire me full time (i was on a 6mo trial) and how to start that process. And he says send him my updated resume so they can create a position and he has to double check with team lead just to make sure but that everything should be good to go.

Everything was not good to go. He comes back the next week and says team lead isn't sure I can do the job so I need to work extra hard these next two weeks to prove I can.

And well I deflated. How was I going to prove I could do the job? I'd done the tasks given me. I'd gotten good reviews. Was I asking too many questions? Team lead had commented several times that I didn't ask enough. But I'd only had a month to be able to corner him to ask things. And by this point I knew the answers to the tasks I was given, I'd done them all before. Was it because I'd missed/been late to some meetings? That was on me but it hadn't happened as of late and that mostly seemed to bug my boss not my team lead who brushed it off or missed/was late himself. And I'd fixed that problem. Was it because I wasn't surgically attached to my phone? Seriously get over it. If that's the issue I'm out, and you also need to be more clear on that expectation from the get go. So i spinu wheels and flounder for two weeks the work I'm assigned clearly isn't proving I can do this job amd my motivation flies out the window. It was a bad two weeks and I didn't know how to fix it (honestly I still don't entirely).

Team lead pulls me aside to say boss is very unimpressed (no duh, I've done nothing for two weeks) and wants to know if I still want the job since I've seemed very unenthusiastic as of late. Yes I still want the job. I do actually like the work I've been given. I'll try and fix my attitude (this was on a Thursday, a lot of people don't work Fridays at this office).

Monday the contracting company that's handling this trial period sets up a meeting, with their hr. I'm not meeting snuff. Why. I need to fix this. I need to attend meetings. I need to meet deadlines. Im legit like no duh, if I knew what the issue was I'd of already fixed it. Im as frysty as anyone but sure if it makes you happy I'll say I'll do those things.

Then Tuesday I have the epiphany. This is stupid. Of course I'm not doing the work. The work is pointless from my perspective. It's not gonna prove I deserve the job. It's the same I've been doing for months that I was told was good enough only to find out at the last minute that actually no it wasn't? If course I'm going to struggle. There has been a massive miscommunication here!

So after talking it over with the SO to make sure I'm not crazy and to hash out what I want to say I set up a meeting with my boss. This was last week. Team lead is gone for fourth of july already. I explain my epiphany that if team leads wants me to prove I can do something he needs to give me work that will prove it. I accept I've had a bad few weeks, the trial has been extended a month and I'm ready to bounce back.

Except team lead is gone so I've got the same old work to do that Thursday friy. And I don't do it, I'm still not convinced it matters. We came back in the office on Tuesday. I own up to not having done that work yet but knock it out quickly that morning and start asking questions about my next task. Oh it's the same thing you've done before but on a new server, you need to select one different option when you do it... Oh..kay... Whelp it's gotta be done its a new server I convince myslef this will prove something to team lead and go knock it out. End of the day I swing by to ask a question and team lead had to leave early (it was a legit reason, had to take dog to the vet, but it's annoying at this point). But he didn't bother telling me this, boss has to tell me.

So Wednesday (yesterday) I come in and flounder, I still have the same old tasks. After luch i worj up the resolve to tey asking team lead what else I can do. I can knock out the tasks I have pretty quick. He'll have to find something for me. I don't hear back that day.

So here I am this morning, I'm fed up. SO thinks I should call team lead out to boss. I'm having a hard time with it though. Is it really his fault? Maybe I'm not pushing hard enough for more work? I mean haven't explicitly gone to his office and said give me more challenging work or else. Like how do I say that. At this point I'm struggling to complete the easy tasks I have, why would he give me something harder? But they themselves have said the receptionist could do what I do. I just. I don't want to even bother at this point...

[angel-deux-writes]

Hi Angel! I've been a big fan of yours since HCM, and so I wanted to express my concern for your wellbeing. There was that big break when you took a month or so to finish HCM before posting it in quick succession, in order to not have to deal with the comments. Now, from what you've been writing in the notes to Dorne Rights, it looks like you are experiencing something similar. The selfish fan in me wants you to keep writing and keep posting, but the basic human in me is more worried that (1/2)

you are unhappy. Nothing is worth making yourself unhappy over, particularly not something that’s meant to give you pleasure. A favourite author of mine back in the days of my Spike/Angel obsession had a disclaimer on her stories telling readers to please not leave feedback of any kind, not even constructive criticism, on her fics because she finds them unhelpful. Her comment section was full of chats about various topics in that fandom, rather than her own fiction. Might help. (2/2)

Hello! I really appreciate this message, because you’re right: fanfic writing isn’t good for me.

(lol putting this beneath the cut because it’s way too long)

It’s actually my experience in this fandom that has made me realize that writing in general probably isn’t good for me, but unfortunately I feel a drive to it and can’t seem to stop myself from thinking I’ll one day get published, so that’s a bit of a downer. The truth is that I’m naturally disposed toward thinking that I’m shit, my words are shit, and every thought I’ve ever had is unoriginal and poorly written. It’s always been like that, from the time I wrote my first attempt at fiction at 7 years old to now at 31. It takes a lot for me to share my writing with people. I started writing fic at 14, basically as soon as I discovered that I wasn’t the only person composing stories about Han and Leia in their free time. I’m sure that my fics were horrendous. I give myself a hard time now, but 14 year old me probably deserved it even more. But there were sweet people on the internet who encouraged me (and lied to me) and told me that my stories were good, and that made a huge difference. 

(that and my freshman year english teacher, who was very very cute and earnest and young and made me feel like I could actually be a writer.)

I’ve never been a part of a fandom before. Discourse and meta and long discussions about canon events have never interested me. I’ve said that before, and it remains true! I consume what canon there is, and sometimes I like it, and sometimes I hate it. Sometimes I’m so dissatisfied with it that I need to write something, and so I do. I don’t think I’ve ever written fic for something that I found entirely satisfactory. The extension of my being part of an actual fandom in the past was probably reblogging a few gifsets and recommending it to friends. I’ve just never had that sort of communal experience. This, the J/B fandom, was my first time really getting into it. It’s the first time I’ve ever made friends online that weren’t just frequent commenters on long multichapter fics! It has been exciting and I’m grateful for it! It’s just also probably not good for me. 

It’s just, like, every time I post something, I’m fighting a very loud and very desperate voice in my head that’s saying “you’re shit and you shouldn’t bother”. It’s why I’m so good at writing first drafts of novels but so, so bad at getting past the second. It’s why I usually post fics only until I’ve worked out my frustrations: one or two fics per fandom and then ghosting away forever. It’s very hard to defy that voice and post something anyway, and this fandom experience has taught me that no matter HOW many stories I post, I’m ALWAYS going to have to fight that voice. And it’s gotten actively stronger. “You’re not what this fandom wants” “You’re not good at this” “Everyone’s just being nice” “You’ve overstayed your welcome”. Paying attention, often by accident, to the discourse and the metas only makes it worse, because my brain automatically turns to “well YOU don’t write them like that. That means you’re wrong”. I can tell myself as many times as I want that I myself like many different interpretations of J/B! My brain goes “yeah, but you’re just an idiot who doesn’t know any better. There’s a right way, and you’re not doing it”. 

THIS IS ALL SO DRAMATIC! But it’s just the truth! Every time I post something, it’s against my nature. NO ONE outside of fandom reads my writing! I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve allowed my close friends and family to read things. So while it may seem like, idk, like I should just be able to get over it, negative comments, or even SLIGHTLY critical comments, really hit me hard. For all the positive feedback I get (and I really AM super grateful for it, and it means the world to me), those few critical voices seem louder because they’re agreeing with what I have already known about myself. And so it feels almost like a victory, but a shitty one. “Ha! I was right this whole time! I AM a shit writer, and I’ve for some reason tricked those other people into thinking I’m good!” 

For a long time (much longer than I’ve ever written for any other fandom, obviously), I was able to shove it to the side. The J/B fandom HAS been super good to me, and they HAVE been wonderful about giving me feedback and making me feel welcome and included. But those negative voices are just SO LOUD to me, even though I know logically that they shouldn’t be. 

It would be easy to point to a specific problem and say that my issues will be fixed if only I can address that. I do it CONSTANTLY. Maybe if I stopped tagging other relationships. Maybe if I stopped tagging other characters. Maybe if I tagged my works super specifically. Maybe if I made author’s notes about how I’m a shit writer and people shouldn’t expect things from me. Maybe if I just wrote “THIS STORY IS WRITTEN ALREADY AND IM JUST EDITING AS I GO! PLEASE DONT SUGGEST THINGS!” I just feel like, increasingly, I want fewer and fewer eyes on my fics. It’s the opposite of the problem I thought I would have. But my confidence took a huge hit with HCM, and then I was finally feeling good enough to post Dorne Rights. It was probably a mistake! 

idk, maybe it’s just all the shit that’s going on in the world + in my personal life. Maybe it’s just time. Maybe I’m just running out of inspiration. But the positive voices aren’t loud enough to drown out my own negative self-voice this time, and so I’ve been trying to figure out how to handle it. Part of me wants to delete Dorne Rights with the intention of reworking it and maybe posting it again down the line with fewer tags and a lot more reminders that people can write their own stories if they don’t like mine. Part of me wants to just do a HCM and post it all at once so that I can leave the finished product up (even if I now think the entire thing is garbage). Part of me wants to stop writing fic entirely, at least until the next time I watch something with an ending so bad it fucks me up. I think my solution will probably be a massive step back from fandom for a little while. I’ve been feeling a drive to work on my original stuff, and I should probably lean into that. I would like to still write and post J/B, once I find the inspiration, but I’m tired of feeling like this is a job. I think I got so deeply sunk into this attitude of “I NEED to write and post constantly because these people want me to, and they actually like what I write!!” that I stopped writing things because I wanted to write them and started writing them because I wanted to write things for other people, to make other people happy, and so that they could tell me that I’m not a shit writer at all.

I should make it clear that I do intend to write my JB fic swap thing FOR SURE. I will drag that story out of myself no matter what. But in general it’s probably just healthier for me to not spend so much time On Here especially, and on fic in general.

[consiouslycohsee]

brain explosion #1

I recently attended a talk from a BBC employee who discussed career opportunities within the BBC. This was extremely inspiring and lead to me wanting to start a blog. I think I may upload every month with a recap of the month, my feelings, etc. This also could be apart of the content creation process which is needed for the job. Having my own content for university is one thing, but it is not enough – I need to have my own creations from my free time.

I am not going to plan anything at the moment I am just going to write and see what comes out. Maybe I will post this somewhere, or maybe I wont? I don’t know. I need to create my own stuff but I don’t know what, I’m not really passionate about something at the moment. I could help with my mums Instagram about Puglia, but maybe that’s too much of a niche market, but what else is there? I need a hobby, I need a passion. But what?

The only thing that’s keeping my busy these days is university, which I forget about as soon as the lesson has ended, and binging Netflix. I am trying to distract myself constantly so I don’t acquire any thoughts that may stress me out. I have been experiencing depersonalisation and disassociation for a few weeks now, and it doesn’t seem to be going anywhere. It’s mild at the moment, just a back thought that is always lingering. My body doesn’t feel like my own, looking at my reflection is horrible.

Everyday is the same now a days, I wake up, get dressed, take my dog out, watch Netflix all day, wait for my mum to come home from work, eat dinner, watch Netflix, go to sleep. The same, everyday, its so boring and it feels like my life is being thrown away, but at the same time, what else is there to do? Nothing, theres a pandemic. Everything is shut, we are encouraged to stay at home, so what can I do to be productive and not just wither away everyday. Its giving me a constant headache. Showers are not wanted, unless my hair is dirty. If my hair didn’t get dirty, I wouldn’t get a shower, isn’t that terrible.

I’m fed up and stressed. I’m stressed about my days being unproductive, I’m stressed about my future – what happens after I graduate in a few months? What then? I seem to be applying for SO many jobs, and I am getting no where with it, what do they need me to do? I have experience, I have a degree, it’s very annoying that I am not getting anywhere. I want to move into the real world and be able to move out, have a job. But this seems impossible, I don’t know what I am going to do, its making me miserable.

Wow I didn’t expect to be writing this much its just all coming out. Do I want to post this? I can be anonymous no one will know its me, its just somewhere to let all my feelings out. I wish I could write like this in university, all my modules feel the same, I get information from offline, not understanding what it means. It doesn’t feel like I’m learning anything, im just getting information in order to write an assignment to get a grade. I hate that I am leaving university and it feels like I have gained no real knowledge.

Anyways, maybe using this for a portfolio isn’t the best idea. The reality of life is settling in with the fact that I may never be truly happy with my career, I want to travel. How can I travel if I’m stuck behind a desk? In a warehouse or somewhere so dim with no life. I want to just keep travelling forever, be away from England. England makes me so miserable. Its so grey, constantly grey. I need sun, I need friends. God I am lonely, I need good friends. I look at people’s instagrams, celebs, etc. and I am uspet that they have such good families and friends in place, to help them, to talk to them. I have no one. Well I have one friend, but she’s got lots of other friends. How do I get new friends? I don’t know, am I too old to make new friends?

I am independent, and its great, I like my own company. But sometimes, I just want someone’s company, but then when I get company, I get annoyed, and I want them to leave. What is wrong with me? Why cant I just be comfortable? Ugh.

I watch shows and I get attached, I cant just watch a show and enjoy it. At the moment its Superstore. I have to know about the actors, watch the interviews, follow instagrams, I don’t know why? I had a big addiction to greys anatomy for a while, I’m out of it at the moment, but I think I will probably end up binging it again soon. When I go on walks with my dog in the morning, my imagination is wild, I don’t ever think about my own life. I imagine I am a child of a celebrity, I am always a boy, not a girl. What does that mean? Don’t even want to get into gender identity, I just push it back. Don’t let the emotions and thoughts approach the surface. As I said, push the emotions back with constant distractions!!

Anyways, I am tired now. This was nice to write, I haven’t really been able to express my thoughts and emotions, they just gather up in my brain. So writing them down helps massively. I don’t want to talk about certain things in real life, to my friends, or to my mum. I don’t think I will get taken seriously, why is mental health not taken seriously? Its all good when its physical injury. I don’t know. I have a headache from using my brain for the first time in forever, ok. Bye!