#it was so hard to watch this episode today

[gotta-winwin]

(🎞️) ... hit the road docu.<> on an unfamiliar road

masterlist | cyana's masterlist

word count: 2.2k TW: angst, anxiety, scoups hiatus, one swear word italics are interviews cut in between a/n: chills while writing this omg. having to rewatch coups' hit the road episode was PAINFUL but i did it for you guys ಥ‿ಥ

"Come sit next to me." Dino waved Cyana over as they sat in a diamond formation for their group photo.

She nodded, putting down her food to join them, taking her place next to her twin maknae.

They were nearly finished 1/4 of their world tour now.

"Where's Mingyu?" Seungcheol called from the very back, taking his place as the group's eldest and leader. "He's the only one not here. Mingyu!" His voice sounded brighter today.

Their leader confused Cyana. She could never tell if he was improving or just silently getting worse.

"I've been learning to video edit recently." Mingyu told her and Seungcheol through a mouth-full of food.

Cyana gave him a happy smile. "That sounds fun." She quietly snuck another piece of meat onto Seungcheol's plate as she spoke.

"As the team's leader," Seungcheol spoke to the camera, his hands gesturing to himself. "I have the role of being both strict and relatable."

Seungcheol nodded at Mingyu to continue. "Is it difficult?" He asked, reaching over to his plate and frowning when he picked up another piece of meat. He glanced over at Cyana, who was doing her best not to look at him.

"Sometimes I feel like their younger brother." Seungcheol let out a soft chuckle. "It gives me energy and makes me feel more comfortable."

"I've been editing so much I see it in my sleep." Mingyu told the two of them. "Do you get that?"

Seungcheol shook his head. "Well, no."

Cyana nodded. "Yeah. Like how you feel like you're still playing a shooting game in your sleep."

"Exactly."

Seungcheol frowned, turning to Cyana. "You've been playing shooting games?"

She shrugged. "Wonwoo lets me on his gaming computer sometimes if I promise not to bother him whenever I'm at his and Mingyu's place." She discreetly slid another piece of meat onto Seungcheol's plate. "He only owns shooting games."

"I've been seeing Cyana like a daughter recently." Seungcheol laughed at the thought. "Or like my younger sister. But really she's like our mother, even though she's the youngest. She takes care of all of us in her own ways."

"It was near the end of our show where I noticed Coups oppa was limping." Cyana winced at the memory. "He was hiding it very well, you couldn't see it on his face - he was still laughing and waving to the crowd during our encore."

Cyana patted DK on the back amidst the chaos of Aju Nice, motioning for the two of them to move to the center.

DK looked back at her, both surprised and bubbling with joy. Cyana usually held back during their encores, preferring to move along the sides of the stage and interact with fans that way.

"I was sad my feet were hurting during our encore." Seungcheol revealed to the interviewer. "Dancing hurt, but jumping hurt even more. And I wanted to play with the members."

The boys cheered on DK and Cyana as they held a mini dance battle in the center of the stage, Cyana pulling out all the b-boy moves Minghao had taught her for fun. She caught Seungcheol's face light up from the corner, standing next to Wonwoo.

"I jumped extra hard that day." She recalled. "I jumped twice as hard because Coups oppa couldn't, and I knew it was what he would've done if he could."

The restaurant had a slight draft as Cyana sat next to Seungcheol, quietly watching as he grilled them both a piece of meat.

"Everybody!" She looked up to see Dino and Mingyu standing in the middle of the restaurant, shot glasses lifted high into the air. "Let's do a fighting on the count of three!"

Today had been their last concert in Japan, officially closing the Japan leg of their world tour.

"Everyone! Good job on Ode To You Japan!" Dino yelled, "Fighting on the count of three!"

Cyana laughed as Mingyu did his best to translate for him, repeating the boy's words in Japanese. As she laughed, she tucked herself closer to Seungcheol, almost subconsciously.

He noticed, like he did with everything, grabbing her hand and tucking her arm underneath his own, patting it as he gripped it in a silent sign of support.

"1,2,3 Fighting!!"

She looked at Seungcheol with a goofy grin, clinking her glass clumsily against his.

"Drunk Nana is adorable." DK mused, watching the interaction from in front of them. "She gets so clingy."

"It's nice." Seungcheol admitted, smiling affectionately when Cyana only shuffled closer, unaware that they were talking about her.

"I think that was the last good day." Seungcheol bit back tears. "Eating with everyone, Nana by my side. The last real good day."

"I could tell something was wrong with Coups oppa the moment we landed in Jakarta."

Cyana tugged on Mingyu's arm to catch his attention.

He looked up from his phone, his smile morphing into a frown when he gauged her worried expression. "What's wrong?"

"Something's wrong with Coups." She mumbled, leaning against the couch where he sat. "It's like he's dreading going onstage."

Mingyu glanced over at the boy in question, who was mindlessly playing with his fingers over by the makeup chairs. "He looks fine to me."

Cyana shook her head, adamant something was wrong. "No. You really can't tell?"

Mingyu gave his hyung another look, a proper, hard one this time. "He just looks worried." He looked up at Cyana, wondering why she was so concerned. "Coups hyung is always worried though, especially during tour."

Her shoulders drooped at the mention of Seungcheol's anxiety. "He'll be okay." She muttered, half to Mingyu but mostly to comfort herself.

It got more noticeable once they were onstage.

This time, Mingyu could see it too. Seungcheol was clutching onto his red mic as if his hands would shake without it, his eyes bouncing from place to place as his turn to introduce himself grew nearer.

"Hi, I'm Seventeen's leader, S.Coups." He said into the mic, and Mingyu knew it lacked his usual energy and charisma.

"You good?" He mouthed to him, facing away from the fans to ask Seungcheol what on earth was going on. "Do you need a break?"

His hyung only brushed him off, leaving Mingyu to look at the end of the line, where Cyana stood, equally worried. Their interaction had not been missed by her keen eyes.

"I thought.." Seungcheol's voice was weak as he spoke. "I thought as the group's leader, I should at least keep going until the group greeting." He hit his hands against his leg, rhythmically, as if it would stop the tears from flowing. "But I knew Mingyu and Nana knew something was wrong."

"Jakarta was..." Cyana paused, trying to find the right wording to describe the sheer amount of feelings that had gone into that one night. "painful." She finally chose, placing her finger delicately on the word. "At that point, we were doing the concert just to finish it."

Cyana watched bitterly as Seungcheol collapsed into one of their cars. She wished it had been her instead. If there was some way to switch places with him, to transfer all of his pain into her own mind, she would do it. Regardless.

"It'll be okay."

She turned to see Jeonghan standing there, having changed out of his concert outfit, a jacket thrown over his shivering shoulders.

"It'll be okay." She repeated his words back to him, wanting to tell him it would go both ways. If they were okay, everything would be okay here too.

Dino watched helplessly as Cyana paced back and forth in the hotel hallway, lingering briefly each time she passed Seungcheol's closed door. He wanted to do something, anything. He felt utterly stupid and useless but the other members had told him there was nothing they could do for Seungcheol. Nothing that would really help, anyways.

"Everyone kept telling me to just leave him alone." Cyana confided during the interview, wringing her hands. "That he had asked for space and we needed to give him that. But I felt so...silly, just sitting on my hands and doing nothing - when he was suffering so much next door."

"Go in." Dino had enough of it all. He stood up from his spot on the lobby couch, motioning for Cyana to open Seungcheol's door. "I'll cover for you, just hurry."

Cyana paused in her pacing, staring up at him with widened eyes. "What?"

"I'm sick of being useless." He said loudly, frustration evident in his tone. "I don't care if he asked for space. Space is the last thing he needs right now. He needs us - but obviously he won't let us see him like that cause he thinks it means he's weak - he's just human, for fucks sake!" Dino threw his hands in the air, finally letting it all out. He had been silently watching Seungcheol suffocate himself for weeks.

Cyana could only nod, a bit taken aback by his outburst but grateful someone was finally agreeing with her. "Okay. I'll be quick, watch the door for me."

"I suppose both of us knew silence could be a killer. And that silence was nobody's friend when it came to anxiety." Cyana huffed. "But of course, Coups oppa was stubborn."

"I thought I told no one to come in." It was the first thing Seungcheol said to Cyana when she announced her presence with a little knock.

"It's just me." She said, praying he'd be a little more accepting if it was her and not one of the boys.

"Go away." He sounded like a petulant teenager and looked like one too. Cyana found him curled up under the covers, his face covered with his arms.

"Can I read you something?" Cyana suddenly asked, getting the sense that he did not want to talk. Throwing her original game plan aside, she took a seat on the other side of the bed next to him and pulled out her phone. "I promise we don't have to say anything. Just let me read this to you, and if you want me to leave, I'll leave."

She got a nod. She considered that a small win.

"Okay. I've- um." She paused, collecting herself. "I've never shown anything I've written to anyone." She warned him. "So...be kind."

You do not have to beg on your knees, to be loved and you do not have to will away tears that would otherwise paint streams against your weathered face and you do not have to hide the callouses on your hands that speak of centuries of experience I do not believe, god gave you strong shoulders just for them to break I do not believe there is anyone to blame as time keeps slipping and our minds spin out of control you only need to let the little child in you glow and tell them there are things on this earth out of his control that he does not need to carry the weight of the world hand me your backpack I'll spilt it into fourteen separate parts and give you back a piece of yourself

She finished reading, looking up from her screen to gauge his reaction. "I call this one Cornerstone." She whispered after a pause. "It's not very good, but it's something I wanted you to hear."

He continued to just lay there, quiet, covering his eyes with his arm.

"Good night, Coups oppa." Cyana moved off the bed as gently as she could. "I love you."

She was glad she couldn't see his face as she left. She didn't hand out I love yous easily. She couldn't remember the last time she ever said those three words, but she figured he needed to hear them. And she really did mean them.

Dino was waiting for her outside like he said he would.

"You're crying." He approached her, moving to wipe her tears with the pad of his thumb.

She sniffed, raising a hand to pat her wet face. "Am I? I didn't notice."

She didn't fight it when Dino pulled her into his chest for a hug. "We're strong." He muttered into her hair. "Don't forget that."

Seungcheol laid very still as he listened to Cyana leave the room. He was afraid that if he made any sudden motion, she might turn back around and realize he had been crying.

He had wanted to tell her that the poem she read to him was very good - so good in fact, that it had twisted his insides and left him feeling incredibly hollow. It was a strange feeling, like he was sad he was so loved.

Furiously wiping the tears off his face, he flipped onto his back, staring up at the ceiling. He'd have to ask her to print that poem out for him someday, when he could talk to her and not feel like sobbing into her arms.

"I felt terrible and angry at myself for running away." Seungcheol confessed to the camera. "But the more I rested, the more I overcame. And Cyana-" He paused.

"What?" The interviewer's voice spoke from behind the camera. "What is Cyana to you?"

"A blessing." He nodded. "That girl is a blessing."

[nishimuraazr1zzkiii]

▸Blushy cheeks◂ ๋࣭ ⭑Y. Jw

🐇

༘⋆pairings: yang jungwon x reader

.ᐟwarnings: mentions reader biting jungwon's cheeks lovingly,

₊⊹notes: got this idea from a tiktok saying that jungwon had naturally rosy cheeks and it was in is family genes so his mother and sister has it too🧍‍♀️

Jungwon fiddled with his keys, trying to hastily open the door since his exhaustion was creeping up on him, eyes drooping as he dropped his keys. He let out a sigh, pushing his hair away from his eyes while he grabbed his keys from the ground.

His day wasn't the best. The day started off bad when he woke up late for rehearsal, and you weren't by his side, you were out to get groceries. Next, his clothes were wet since he forgot to dry them last night because he fell asleep as soon as he hit the bed and forgot to remind you. He than couldn't find his bag for rehearsal, making him more late by 30 minutes and getting scolded by their choreographer since he kept making mistakes. He couldn't even face time you since his phone had died in the middle of practice which made him incredibly annoyed.

After his tiring day, he wanted to lay down with you while watching the drama series you two were currently watching. When he finally got the door opened, he was greeted by the sight of you smiling at him while you wore your apron, indicating that you finished cooking dinner.

"Welcome home wonie! How has your day been? I've already cooked dinner for both of us" taking off your apron before running up to jungwon to greet him with a warm hug. Seeing him sigh and lazily reciprocate your hug makes your lips frown. Knowing his day would start off terribly when you left the house since he couldn't spend time with you as soon as he woke up, but you hoped it wouldn't be so bad.

Ruffling his hair when he didn't reply to you, just sighing in the crook of your neck. "Won~ why don't you eat before you fall asleep on me, I Already prepared everything. " jungwon sluggishly pulled away from you and slowly walked to the kitchen counter and started to eat slowly, you see his eyes droop each time he takes a bite of the food. "... How was your day? Did something interesting happen, won? " you try and lighten up Jungwons mood. "

"... Today was the worst. Everything went wrong, and every little Thing irritated me." jungwon continued to rant to you about how his day wasn't the best day he experienced, all the while you just sat next to him, listening him talk to you about his day.

"Well, the day is almost over now, and you can rest now. Do you wanna continue watch the series we're watching?" You suggest to jungwon while he finished the bite of his food before putting the empty plate inside the sink.

"Yes please" jungwon muttered out as he walked back to you, hugging you tightly before gently pulling you to the couch to watch the series you wanted to watch.

.

.

.

You layed on the couch while jungwon was laying on your chest, his eyes drooping while you both watched one of your favorite series all the while you stroked his hair gently, coaxing him to sleep, your steady heartbeat lulling him to sleep.

Halfway of the episode, you shuffled jungwon so you could be more comfortable and so would jungwon, but as you tried to move his body that was heavier and bigger than yours, you noticed how limp his body was against your chest, his lips slightly parted as his cheeks were smushed on your chest. Your heart melted at the sight of jungwon asleep on you, finally resting after a Rocky and hard day so you just let him be and adjust the pillow to support your neck and back before turning your attention back to jungwon, admiring his features, his lips, his lashes that were competing with yours in length, and your most favorite part of his face(besides his lips) his rosy cheeks. You never noticed it since it was super subtle, but his cheeks were lightly blushed on with a lightly pink dust.

You slightly remember jungwon mentioning how his mom has naturally rosy cheeks and so did his sister and he wasn't sure if he had rosy cheeks, you didn't even notice his natural pink cheeks since it was barely noticeable, and wasn't even more noticeable when he wore make up.

Jungwon's eyes twitched when he felt a hand caress his cheek gently, his eyes opened to see you smilling at him. "Slept well, won? Your cheeks are so cute!" You coo at jungwon as his eyes were drooping, still staring at you.

His hand reaches to hold onto your wrist "mm...y'er so pretty baby~" jungwon muffled out as his face was resting on your chest, his cheeks getting squished by your chest making his words becoming slurred.

You gently pinched jungwon cheeks making him push your hand away from his cheeks. "Stop pinchng my cheeks, baby~" he whined while you just giggled. "But your cheeks are so squishy, won~ they even have a pink color to them"

Jungwon's cheeks turned red as he buried his face in your chest again. "We-well, mom and my sister has it... " jungwon's voice trailed off. "How come I don't notice them? " you say with a slightly frown on your lips.

"Maybe since its always covered by my make up and it's really faint, you have to really get in my face to see it, and of course I won't let anyone but you and/or maybe the member to get so close in my face since why-" before jungwon could ramble why no one but you and the members could be so close to to his face, he was interrupted by you gently biting his cheeks.

"AHH! [NAME]?! WHY DID YOU BITE MY CHEEKS?! " jungwon sat up and held his cheeks that were bitten by you. "Hehe~ sorry, won, but your cheeks were so adorably squishy I couldnt resist biting them, I'm sorry, won~" you apologized to jungwon as he sat in front of you, still holding his cheek that you bit into, leaving a faint bite mark.

Jungwon rubbed his cheek as he stared at you with furrowed brows and a slight frown while you leaned closer to jungwon and pressing a light kiss on the spot you bit. "I'm sorry, won, did I bite to hard?" You rubbed his cheeks with your thumb as he leaned into your hand, shaking his head gently to your question. "I was just shocked you bit my cheeks...that's the first time someone did that to me." You let out a soft laugh as jungwon relaxed his body and layed ontop of you, his drowsiness returning. "We should head to bed, jungwon" you whispered while jungwon stayed still ontop of you, his eyes closed. "I'm tired, let's stay here for a bit, plus we haven't finished the series yet" jungwon mumbled out as he opened one eye to look at the TV, you sighed as jungwon didn't move so you put your hands on jungwon's head, stroking his hair gently as the two of you continued watching the series.

Extra notes: k so maybe I was gone for a few months, maybe even a year, but I'm trying to slowly come back, I have a lot of drafts rn so I just need to do them plus exams are coming up. I'll try to upload more🤞

Taglist: @thelost-in-time

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[nerdishpursuits]

Today’s episode was hard to watch. No doubt about it. But, sadly, this continues to be a reality for many women and raising awareness is crucial to combatting ignorance. Does it ever get any easier watching a woman being abused? Never. Is it necessary to show how terrifying and traumatic such events are? Yes. Even as Fina was rescued before things escalated further, this will profoundly impact her sense of self: her mental health, her emotional landscape, her relationship with her own body. The Fina we know is a vibrant, confident, deeply sensual woman. I’m sure she’ll be all that again but, for now, she’ll most likely have some form of ptsd. It’ll be another uphill battle but Marta will be by her side, every step of the way (given they’ve chosen to walk this thorny path, I’m hoping they’ll treat it with more care than Begoña’s own story of abuse; if done right, this can be a rewarding journey portraying the healing power of love and friendship, triumphant in the face of bigotry, victorious in the face of adversity)

Circling back to Marta. I can’t begin to imagine her despair at discovering Fina was abused. That all she’d been so desperate to prevent from reoccurring, has been attempted again, more violently than before. The guilt she’ll feel will be immeasurable, no doubt. And it will consume her from the inside out if she allows it to take root. Nothing is more hateful than failing to protect the one you love. And Fina is Marta’s everything, her whole world, her raison d’être.

Therefore, yet again, I’m going to remember that their story is meant to be one of hope and light. Which is what they are to each other. They’ll heal together, they’ll heal each other and grow all the stronger for it. The show’s not let us down so far. I trust this will end up a catalyst for many rewarding scenes together.

Which brings me to the foul reason they need healing to begin with. Thinking on it, it’s probably a mistake to call Santiago a psychopath, even as he displays plenty of traits that merit said label. He’s very much aware of his actions and deserves no leniency. Ultimately, he’s the product of a regime that glorifies in the systemic oppression of women. One whose very ideas, and ideals, derive from a deep-rooted misogyny. In Santiago’s purposeful narrowmindedness, a man is the epicentre of a woman’s life. Not being treated as such is considered a grave error and needs correcting. He’s the prideful despot who cannot fathom, or accept, rejection. One who cannot conceive of a world where he’s not given his due, as per the teachings of a society that views and treats women as second-class citizens, deserving of less and inferior to their masculine betters.

It’s all too clear Santiago’s worldview is also profoundly narcissistic, which makes his continued harassment of Fina even more disturbing. He genuinely believes he’s being magnanimous and merciful, extending his goodwill to her, the proverbial biblical sinner, so she can atone for her mistakes and be saved. In his own eyes, Santiago is a good man. In his misguided vanity, patronising and emboldened by a system that favours him at every turn, he even declares himself as such: a self-proclaimed saviour and Fina’s only path to salvation from a life of sin. Her sole path to redemption.

Truly, this character is utterly despicable and I cannot wait for him to eat dirt. But I also suspect he’ll cause more trouble until Fina and Marta are free of him for good. And while I’ll celebrate his demise with bells and whistles, I think the actor portraying this vile, sorry excuse for a man, is doing a spectacular job. They all are. Alba and Marta especially. Which is why this drama hit so hard when it made landfall. You feel Marta’s anguish and hopelessness, you experience Fina’s abject terror, you rage against Santiago’s condescending abuse.

That being rambled? Do I hate what Fina went through this episode? Wholeheartedly. It made me sick to my stomach, even as I’m grateful it ended with an attempt only. And damn, do I hate it’s necessary to show this nowadays because 2024 might as well be 1958 for many women still.

Also. I’m glad Marta didn’t have to ask Jesús for help, because she’d have never lived it down. Ultimately, I’m sure she would have done anything to liberate Fina from prison, even asking her older brother for help. But I’m glad the chosen path didn’t involve him. In fact, I’m pleasantly surprised Damián rose to the occasion. He keeps learning how to support and love Marta and he’s one gray character whose evolution I’m quite enjoying.

And finally? Marta so at ease with Carmen and Claudia. They’ve come such a long way and it’s a joy to see. From Marta feeling like she didn’t belong, back in the day, to them all falling into a much needed group-hug, knowing they can always rely on each other. Fina’s friends are becoming Marta’s friends and I love, love, love their scenes together. Not to mention they’re all kinda related now too, which adds some much needed levity.

Remains to be seen how they deal with the stigma of this entire situation. Poor Fina might as well have been branded with a scarlet letter. Plenty more fires left to put out once she’s out of prison. On the bright side, they’ll know whom they can trust and whom they need to keep hiding from.

Hopefully though, on to greener pastures at some point. Preferably healing at the Mafinca. Slowly but surely. And always, always together.

[hamletshoeratio]

"A strong queen is just what this country needs!"

The Irish who know the queen in question as the famine queen:

[smolbonbon]

[SAMS RELATED]

Aftermath of Lunar meeting Helpi

Closeups:

This is very funny but I worked on this comic how Lunar and Solar talked about him meeting Helpi but after watching the recent episode I changed the dialogue since Lunar feels very uncomfortable with Helpi.

Originally Lunar was very excited that he met Helpi and told Solar about it (but not showing any romantic feelings). But siblings being siblings... Solar teased him by implying that Helpi is his partner.

The new dialogue is quite wonky but I didn't know how to change it more fitting ⚰️

[mulders-too-large-shirt]

s4 episode 10 thoughts

(muffled crying) (sniffing) (conspicuous wiping of eyes) hey guys, welcome back to my liveblog

little did i know! little did past me know what i was getting into when i typed my opening lines below. but presumably YOU, the reader of this post, knew what i was signing up for, so i shall spare my words and just share that i thought it was a VERY VERY good episode, even if it was darker than my usual preference. i tend to like some bantering, but i don't see how bantering could have fit into this one. so let us begin.

i haven’t seen an episode in a few days, which probably explains why this week has been awful. i would wax poetic about how i have missed our agents, but i honestly cannot wait any longer and Need to watch this episode right now. which i think is an emotional one???

(author's note: yeah <3)

i need to TEAR into this, bro. like a bear in a trash can or something.

reading the episode description and this sounds evilllll!!! i still assume everything about samantha is a lie!! it saves time!!

mulder is sleeping… on a BED?? a proper bed?? i can’t tell. it’s so dark. if it is a bed, this is IMMENSE character development.

he sees a red light in the sky :0 and on his walls!! it says “follow” WHAT!!! what does that mean!??

it’s leading him to a car?? wait, he’s at a park? was he camping and that’s why he had a bed? why was he camping? who lured him out here with a laser like a cat… what does “mad hat” mean in this context?

and he is full on chasing this light. i love that for him. the music is super whimsical.

WHAT IS LESS WHIMSICAL is the body of a child sitting in this forest. what the HELL????

okay, tone change, i see you!

but the child sinks into the leaves??

oh girl. they really got me with the whole “it was all a dream" thing, and I FELL FOR THAT!!!

he is actually just sleeping on his COUCH, which i knew had to be the case, because he would NOT use a bed in his apartment. beds are a luxury you only get to experience in motels if your name is fox mulder.

damn, maybe that's why he likes to travel so much... cozy hotel bed... really makes you think

nooo he had a nightmare :( this is sad. he never seems to actually sleep.

he’s gonna find that park he dreamed of and drive there even if it is the middle of the night. in his leather jacket. yes. he means business!!

and he is going to the spot where he saw a body of a child… where now he sees…. dirt 

so the next morning, he’s directing people who are digging stuff up. they look like police

ENTER SCULLY!!!! YAYYYYY :D i cheered!!! she wants to know what’s going on 

“you called for forensic excavation at 5 am on a sunday, what are you looking for?” (he grabs her arm, looking delirious) <- ohhhh i knew after seeing this moment that this episode was gonna wreck me

he asks her to give him a minute, and when she’s all “you’re out here because of something you saw in a dream?” he gives her this look of “it’s not that simple and you KNOW that”. funny how you can say that with just a look.

but someone calls him over!!! NO! there is the skull of a child in there!!!

omfggggg

wait, we literally haven’t even gotten past the intro yet, and i’m already sat at the edge of my seat…………

we are sooooo back, baby!!!

hey, that intro was different from the standard too, i think. but whatever.

scully is deeply confused, asking to hear about his dream. the forensic investigators are digging, but he is implying they aren’t going fast enough… so he’s digging with HIS HANDS!!!! 

oh, he is gonna mess some evidence up this way…

but he insists he knows what happened. 

he describes the murder in great detail, and scully asks, you learned all of this from your dream? and he says no, i have this murderer’s MO memorized; it’s a guy named john lee roche.

so it is the power of careful study AND prophetic dreams at work that make mulder such a good investigator

it seems deeply wrong to see mulder in their office with only a t shirt on and not his fancy suits, but it is the weekend, and desperate times. this serial killer- roche- was very hard to catch back in the day. at the FBI, he was nicknamed “paper hearts” because of the heart trophies he took from the victims… oh… i see where this is going. the title is making sense now.

mulder was brought onto the case because he was thought to be able to get into the victim’s head……. omg… his reputation…. and he concluded the killer had to be someone ordinary who traveled a lot, like a salesman. and he was!!! roche was a vacuum salesman!! 

(do we still even have those?)

scully points out that it was his profile that caught the bastard, and he just shrugs his shoulders. i would expect him to normally be more “yeah, i did that!!”, but it seems this one is very personal to him. not much to celebrate if you only caught the guy after the horrific murders happened.

he says they never found the hearts cut from the cloth, and he always wanted to count them and see if they really added up to 13. after this, he realizes that there were more than 13. this is really sad.

scully says maybe she can explain his dream!!! and maybe he solved it in his sleep when his subconscious took over! oh, she is a good friend

“you said it yourself once… you said a dream is an answer to a question we haven’t learned how to ask” <- YES he said that in 2x12, right? i always thought it was so poetic, and the fact that it was never mentioned again bothered me a little- BUT SHE REMEMBERED!!!

she’s telling him that he did good work, and they can identify the girl and put her to rest, and what if i cry about the way she leaned in to reassure him?? hey. what if i cry?

it’s time to look at some bones. scully seems to have found an identity pretty quick; her name was addie, and she went missing in 1975. 

but mulder pushes back, saying that if that were true, it would mean roche started way before they thought he did. scully points out that the clothes and height match.

oh my god…. the way he’s looking at the bones, and she asks if he’s gonna be okay if they verify it… he shakes his head yes, but it seems hollow. she is trying to be so careful around him. it's making me emotional.

so, they go off to pennsylvania to try and make an ID with addie's relatives. scully does the talking, presumably because mulder is going through a Lot Of Feelings, and the minute they say they’re with the FBI, the dude who answered the door asked “you found addie?” ohhhhh :( 

he immediately identifies the fabric pouch they found with the bones as made for addie... he used to slip quarters in it from the tooth fairy

bro, this episode is sad as hell.

“i used to think that missing was worse than dead because you never knew what happened” (cut to mulder) (cut to him looking at the portrait of addie on the wall) i’m gonna scream re: the implications about samantha

addie’s father asks if there were other victims they didn’t know about, and mulder looks very very very sad. i can sense him feeling that he needs to solve this, and that he’s gonna think he failed for not finding the others before. yes, i know where this is going 

all of a sudden, he remembers from his dream that the killer drove a white el camino, and he probably kept the hearts in there. the car was sold in 1992. that was a while ago. i am feeling some doubts in terms of them still being in there.

“don’t you think the car might have been searched at least once already?” “not by me” <- DAMN!!! oh my god. his sense of duty. that ancient and primal Guilt in him. yeah yeah, i’m eating this up 

they go to visit the car, where a young gentleman has been putting flames on the side. he seems giddy to hear a serial killer once owned his car. which i feel is valuable commentary on the commodification of the true crime industry and how it dehumanizes the suffering of the victims through sensationalism. but mulder is not gonna listen to him blabber, he is gonna get to WORK.

(man, i wonder how these two feel about the rise of true crime as an entertainment industry... i want to hear their thoughts)

they are sleuthing together. mulder takes a knife and cuts right into the seat!!!! he says something is wrong…. and remembers the “mad hat” clue…. he thinks this means it’s in the camper shell??? i fail to see the connection but that is okay, it wasn't my dream

mulder’s acting like a madman, ripping into the fabric of the camper shell, where he finds a copy of alice in wonderland…. WITH A HEART IN IT.

they are leaned in together, counting the hearts, and it would be an incredibly touching moment if it weren’t in such a sad context.

they find 16 hearts :( and he sadly says that means he had two more victims they didn't know about :(

they’re going to go visit roche. or not? someone is playing basketball. 

OH. they’re letting this serial killer, who casually addresses him with a "hey mulder", play basketball?? by himself? that can’t even be fun…

they ask roche why he only claimed there were 13 victims. he said 13 sounded more magical. why is this dude at once so Normal seeming and viscerally scary?

oh… “i understand you take this very personally, mulder” oh no. oh no oh no oh no.

“sink one from there and i’ll tell you” (very high pressure basketball shot that mulder makes on the first try) well okay!!! an athlete!

roche says that if he brings the hearts back, he’ll tell him everything, which was not part of the deal. i am of the opinion that he should not get to see the hearts again, and that if he does, it will be very inappropriate.

oh my god. mulder’s at his desk with the hearts, all organized by name, falling asleep with his glasses on as he holds the last two. he can't even stay awake, he's working so hard to figure this out.

another red light moment!! it is guiding him places…. a dream??

NO!!! NO. it’s leading him to the news of watergate. oh no. i know where this is going.

he sees samantha, and he’s quoting what he said back then when The Incident went down, line for line, because he must have rewatched it a thousand times

we relive the scene, including the flashes of lights. he grabs the gun. this time, and opens the door…. and it’s… roche…?

(well, if it is really him behind the crime, how did he do the whole shaking everything and making stuff float bit? really makes you wonder. because i recall samantha's body floating horizontally for a bit)

but back to real world, where mulder wakes up screaming “samantha!” and again. i WILL cry. oh my god…. there’s a terrible realization in his face as he holds the hearts up.

no, no, no, stop making him suffer.

back to the prison. mulder is without scully this time, but with roche, who asks if he has the hearts. 

mulder is questioning him about the weird comments yesterday, the whole "it's personal to you thing", then jumps right into “where were you in 1973?” and holy FUCK it’s tense.

“what, the whole year?” “november. the 27th of november. do you know what i’m getting at?” oh my god….

roche claims to have sold a vacuum cleaner in martha’s vineyard to mr. mulder at that time…. 

he’s going on and on about his father choosing the vacuum. and mulder’s face is so steely. but when he asks “what do you know about my sister?”, his voice is wavering.

again, roche insists that he brings him the hearts before he learns anything. which causes mulder to punch the shit out of him.

when the guards come in and roche snitches on mulder for punching him, the guard is like “i didn’t see it” which is deserved. more than deserved, actually.

but scully saw it go down!!! i thought he went on his own… guess she was outside watching

she is trying to talk sense into him post-prisoner punching, which has happened a few times now and makes me worry about mulder's employability if anyone knew he had a tendency to get physical with these villains, but i digress.

scully is explaining that roche can use the computer to look up anything he likes and find out where mulder’s from (it’s true! be careful what you post, guys!) and she thinks that he is using emotional blackmail. she thinks roche saw mulder’s heart on his sleeve and took advantage of that.

it would make sense that if he knows that he will spend the rest of his life in prison, he would torture mulder for funsies...

“scully, do you believe that my sister samantha was abducted by aliens?” oh my god we’re going there. i never thought we would go there.

“have you ever believed that?” she doesn’t answer, but she hangs her head… because what do you even say to that?

“no. so what do you think happened to her?” 

he doesn’t know what he believes, but he has to find out… and that shot of scully’s face…… please kill me, it would be easier for all involved :(

in connecticut, mulder is at… his mom’s house? looking in the basement. did he just show up?

he apologizes twice for waking her up and asks how she is doing :( awww :( he was so worried :( oh this grown man… he is a baby to me….

so he pulls out the fabric hearts and asks if she recognizes them. and when she gets confused and tries to explain her memory isn’t as good after the stroke, he smiles, and hugs her, pats her back, says it’s alright.

OHHHHHH THE WAY HE HUGGED HER AND SMILED................. I WILL YELL. I AM YELLING NOW. AHHHH.

anyway. he falls back on a different line of thinking to try and get answers out of his mother: did dad ever buy you a vacuum cleaner? the answer: yes, he did, a long time ago, and it’s down here. he’s tearing through old decorations to find it, and it is the brand that roche claimed it was. he slams his fist down.

now hold on. i’m willing to bet he just named the most popular vacuum of the early 1970’s. because they’ve put too much work into this whole “samantha was taken by aliens or the government” storyline to debunk it entirely. what about her files in the west virginia archive? what about his father choosing which child he liked better? what about the whole “they took her as insurance so mr. mulder wouldn’t snitch on the cataloguing of humans and planning for alien colonization” thing? too much has been invested in this…. i think it can’t be true, but rather we’re exploring mulder’s emotional state with this sick and twisted excuse 

skinner has summoned mulder!!! he is no longer allowed to work on the roche case because he punched tf out of him!!! mulder turns to scully with suspicion and skinner clarifies that she wasn’t the one who reported it (although she should have) but rather the whole thing was videotaped!!!

if i've said it once i've said it a million times: she's real as hell

skinner says that he should have mulder’s ass in a sling (okay, elaborate on that), but he tries to explain that roche might have information on his sister. scully says that it looks possible- he spent most of 1973 in boston, took a trip to martha’s vineyard in october… and it’s adding up.

she loves to do her research. i know she was an academic weapon in college.

skinner says this is even MORE of a reason to get someone else on this case, but scully says that no one knows roche better than mulder, it’s still his case, and we have to find the victims!!!

(angry skinner voice) (forcefully pointed finger at groveling mulder) "you tread very lightly" (forcefully pointed finger at scully) "you see that he does"

he basically said “watch your man, scully, or ELSE”

back to roche. they present to him the hearts, and he has a sick smile. i do not like this

“name them” “well, i think you know one of them already” oh that is evil

(said with the most fury that has ever been concentrated into scully’s voice per word) “prove it” <- she is not gonna let him do this alone, nor will she let him be manipulated!!! she is the best friend out there!!

roche is smiling, talking about watergate, how mulder and his sister were playing a board game that night. he says he was watching from the window. why does he know all of this?

he has this weird fixation on playing games, and says to pick out a piece of fabric, and he’ll give the location of the body it came from. fifty-fifty chance it’s samantha, and either way he gets a victim’s location.

what is up with this dude? why is he so casual about all of this? he does seem so… normal, despite the things he is saying.

at the location roche gives them, they find the words “mad hatter” carved into the rock. uh oh. that is showing up again. he starts digging with his hands.

scully is trying to talk sense into him, saying they need to get an excavation team, but his voice is strained as he tells her to “just help me, scully”. so she joins in, and they find something. he looks like a wild animal.

in the autopsy room, he’s approaching the bones, taking a deep breath as he goes over the case information, trying to prepare himself to see his sister.

there are visible tears in his eyes as he runs his hands over the fabric, then announces (in form of a question) that “it’s not her, is it scully?” there is a sense of relief involved, but still, pain from lack of answers.

samantha broke her collarbone when she was 6 on a rope swing in their backyard, and as he realizes this little girl's collarbone is intact, he’s crying and he’s sighing with relief.

“it’s not her”, she says; “it’s somebody though” is his reply. ohhhh my god. ohhhhhh my god. oh my goooooooood. it's somebody's grief that they have carried with them for decades just as he has. it isn't that much of a relief to know it isn't her if someone else has felt like he has since the 70's.

back to roche. he gives the name of the girl who they did find, with incredible detail on where she lived. scully’s voice is forced as she asks what year this happened, and he’s going on and on about the vacuum he almost sold the victim’s mother.

so mulder presents roche with the last heart, saying that is belonged to his sister. he’s making a big game of this, saying “you need me to lead you through”, to bring him to the place where his sister is buried. to which i think, no tf you don't.

he said he can’t wait to see mulder’s face, and you can hear scully exhale and say “oh god”, and that is how you know things are going to go DOWN.

she says he will see the inside of his cell instead; “you’re going to rot there” (holds the door for mulder) (all things considered, she showed excellent restraint)

she looks incredibly furious at these shenanigans, but softens up to ask if mulder is okay. she says that if they give roche what he wants, he could string them along forever. and it makes sense. there has to be another way to figure out if he is telling the truth.

back at home on his couch, mulder is pondering. he has a few fish in his tank. you need a bigger tank, i think, but idk if people cared about that in the 90's.

NO! he picks up the phone and calls for A REMOVAL ORDER OF A FEDERAL PRISONER!!!!!!!!

he gets on the plane with a handcuffed roche.

what the fuck, i thought we were NOT going to go down this route? what is he thinking?

roche asks to use the bathroom on the plane, but instead starts talking to a little girl, and mulder has to get there NOW, but there’s a stewardess in the way. oh no, what has he done...

scully is forced to tell skinner that mulder did, in fact, let the serial killer out. OH!!! skinner says “you let me down” to her…… oh my god……. that really hurts

she says that she had left mulder to his own devices for one day to get some sleep… do we believe her? honestly, yeah i do. especially because of how furious she became when roche brought up the idea that he could be let out.

she’s trying to advocate for mulder in his absence, talking about the “uniqueness” of the situation with a level voice, and skinner says yeah i know, i said that this situation was really unique the last time we talked, now let’s go and clean up this mess.

oooo skinner is MAD and i don't really blame his anger at mulder, but it's rude af to blame scully for the things mulder did... skinner confirmed anti-feminist, blaming a woman for a man's actions

(i jest. mostly. skinner and i still have beef and we probably always will. every time i think we're past it, he does something else that pisses me off, so we are constantly on uncertain ground. which is very father coded, all things considered)

cut to mulder cam, who is bringing roche to his old house?? roche is unsettlingly tall. he says he sat on the couch when his dad bought the vacuum… and then walks through what he claims happened the night of the murder. mulder’s thoroughly quizzing him, and he’s answering them correctly, even where his parents went once they left. or is he guessing at it all??

he claims to have cut the power, that the door was unlocked, and he walked in…. 

and mulder tried to get the gun, but he claims he froze… 

OH! GAG!!!!!! MULDER BROUGHT HIM TO THE WRONG HOUSE!!!!!!!!!

he says his father bought this house AFTER the divorce… dude, how many properties did this guy own??????

but still. the point is made clear. roche is a fake.

so how did he know these things? perhaps, mulder proposes, that when he got into his head investigating the case, maybe that link goes both ways. that's a terrifying prospect

“and you’re in the wrong house, you stupid son of a bitch” <- this is a powerful line, but you can really hear the massachusetts come out when he says it. i think that’s really cool. i mean, is DD actually from there? i think he is, right? because he went to school with jfk jr. famous boston blood there.

if it’s not a purposeful detail or a inadvertent thing that slips into an actor’s performance when a scene is Emotional, then maybe i need verification: did y’all hear the massachusetts when he said that, too….

roche is scrambling to cover his tracks, saying it was just geography that he messed up, not the actual details, but he has now been exposed as a FAKE and a FRAUD

mulder doesn’t buy it, despite his claims he’s telling the god’s honest truth. hmm. perhaps leave the lord out of this.

then he’s sitting and holding that cloth heart. we hear his sister’s voice in the car, which is pulling away. and he grabs her, holds her close. 

BUT HE WAKES UP AND ROCHE IS GONE AND HE IS HANDCUFFED!!! scully and skinner are at the door!!! roche must have manipulated him in his sleep?

omg…….. 

skinner is letting him have it, saying there’s a predator loose because of him, and how can he explain himself, and. while i agree. if i were in his shoes and there were any chance of getting an answer to the one question that has kept me up at night almost my whole life, i’m not sure if i wouldn't have fallen for roche’s lies as well. it is hard to imagine. i'd like to think i wouldn't, but how can you ever know?

it is a dark and ugly thing that mulder did, letting him out.

but we at least seem to get confirmation that the dream connection theory is accurate?

he asks for skinner’s phone, saying there was a child on the plane, and roche is probably going after her

NO! someone called ten minutes ago with the same name requesting the same information from the airline!!!! 

it seems that the girl’s babysitter believed roche’s lies that her mother was in an accident and he needed to pick her up, and she blames herself for letting her go with roche. but mulder says it isn’t her fault, and it’s his fault instead. 

oh my god…. he tells scully she was right, and when she asks if he no longer thinks roche took samantha, he says it doesn’t matter anymore………. because that grief that has ruled him forever has now been put onto someone else............. how terrible he must feel...

he thinks that roche will be somewhere nearby, and scully is pulling up his old address. he lived on alice road, and mulder says that has to be it, because he got the idea from alice in wonderland!

(i have never read the actual alice in wonderland book. did the mad hatter kill people and take hearts from their clothing? i thought he just. made tea and said weird stuff???)

skinner is in disbelief, but acquiesces to mulder’s knowledge, rounding up his men.

at the apartment, they can’t find anything. mulder is running in a field, climbing into a huge lot of busses??? old run down busses??? i'm confused at why this exists, but following along in terms of plot

he pulls out a tiny gun hidden in his sock (slay) and sprints towards the sound of a girl screaming, but with so many identical busses, where is she???

he hears some movement in one of them…. and finds roche and her in there together. 

and roche is saying that he does think they share that nexus like he claimed. everything is very very tense. 

mulder announces that he is going to take this girl home, and when roche points out that he has a gun, he asks the child to do a favor: count to twenty out loud, quietly and slowly. he has a way of talking to kids like they’re equals and i’ve always found it endearing, but now i’m wondering where tf he is going with this.

roche has the gun pointed at the girl… and we know he is capable of pulling it

roche is trying to say anything he can to get mulder to not kill him, asking how sure he is it isn’t samantha who was the last victim. but i don't think that is gonna work anymore.

and when the kid hits twenty, mulder pulls the trigger

JEEZ, we really saw some blood action go on there!

so the poor girl runs away screaming to scully, who is saying that it is okay, and that she has her (and i am emotional when ever they work with kids okay? especially after that convo in home where they talk about wanting families. whatever.)

and i’m left paused at roche’s dead head, which i feel in real life would have a lot more blood and gore, but for the sake of this being TV, it still is kinda shocking!

mulder’s holding the gun out, staring at roche’s body.

wait. we’re back at his office now. i am going to use this time to analyze the articles on his wall.

“strange activity down under” “are UFOs flying in colorado?” “ranchers shaking their heads over mysterious cow deaths” “US reports visits of UFOs to bases” (picture of crop circles, creepy creatures, a list of planets i think? and the famous poster)

pan to a very very sad mulder. scully knocks and comes in. she is staring at him. they are not saying anything for a few seconds that feel very very long.

oh my god. she comes in with the fabric analysis of the heart. all they can say is that it was made between 1969 and 1974.

she assures him it’s not samantha, and that they’ll find who the little girl really is. 

“how?” “i don’t know. but i do know you.” (he looks up at her while fighting back tears) <- i am going to bite something. her unwavering belief in him will be the death of me.

“why don’t you go on home and get some sleep?” she asks, so gently (at this, he breaks into laughter, which gets a smile out of her)

and he wraps his hand around her waist, leaning his head into her, while she strokes his hair

then he puts the last heart in his desk drawer.

oh my gosh………

where to even begin....?

first thought: he must be laughing at her saying that because she knows damn well that he will not be able to rest, but also because it is comforting to hear how she believes in him. that, or “go on home and get some rest” is their code for “i’m letting you do what you want and not asking questions”, but i doubt that, because she claims to have said that to him earlier, and i feel scully would never EVER have let him release roche if she had known he was even sort of thinking about it.

second: yowch. this one hurted!

it took me an hour and 51 minutes to get through the 45-ish minute episode because i was SO glued to noting every moment. 

i tend to prefer the episodes that are more lighthearted, so i did feel that absence here. that being said, i don’t think it would be possible to explore this side of mulder with there being humor in the plot or script, especially after we have seen how he uses it as a defense mechanism. when he can’t joke about something is when you know he’s hurting terribly. 

it was dark. very dark. but i still enjoyed it for the character analysis. i love a character analysis episode, i love diving into what makes someone who they are. there was this sick relationship between roche and mulder where you knew he was going to do anything to get the answers, no matter what the risks were or who was placed in danger. and i think that shows the scary and dark side of mulder that can get overlooked; how his bloodhound-like need to sniff out an answer can and will endanger himself and others. but he is aware of this fact, and seems regretful, especially when he says it doesn’t matter anymore if he finds samantha, because he inadvertently put another child in danger to do so. and he is aware that the suffering he has felt is now going to be passed onto someone else if he does not fix it Right Away. which he does.

getting to see the good parts of a character driven to such an extreme where they become terrible traits is a rare treat. still, it can be hard to see your blorbo do bad things.

i do often wonder about his slapping of criminals and why he hasn’t gotten fired for some of these many rule-breaking sessions, but. shrugs. it’s not real, so we can’t entirely place real world logic on this stuff, i guess.

honestly, we also saw a lot of scully and learned about her character here, too. how she tries to draw the line between her own beliefs and the very real pain that mulder is suffering, and how his pain breaks her heart; how defensive she is of him, in front of roche and skinner or even the whole world, i’d imagine. her courage to look her boss in the eye and ask for mercy on his behalf as he goes out and breaks every rule known to mankind because he wants to bend the earth to his will. that bone-deep righteous conviction she carries with her that i love so much.

and more on how she’s always touching him- they skirt around the emotional issues at hand, asking if he’s okay to make an ID or to see the autopsy and not really touching the sore spot with words unless they absolutely have to. but while they only brush it verbally, she is physically reaching out to him, leaning in, stroking his head, touching his arm… god, the way they communicate kills me. it's like they find it far easier to let their bodies express emotion, which probably comes from the constant need to Be Strong both of them feel in their line of work, but it is really compelling. it's fascinating. as someone who is always going to tell you how i feel at all times, i find it very intriguing. are they afraid to say what they mean? or do they have this connection that words aren't needed for? please let me know what you think. am i alone in this? do you think they are good at talking about their feelings? or am i voicing a popular sentiment that they are mostly pretty Bad at it. because i'm thinking of other times where they are Honest and Truthful, and they tend to keep it very succinct. maybe that's what makes it more impactful.

how he laughed at her after she said she believed in him, and how she smiled back, how he leaned into her????? can i bottle that and drink it when i feel like suffering?

god, i’ve felt that when i read dialogue prompts, they don’t seem to work for writing msr as easily as you would think, because so much of what they say isn’t even said. it’s in glances and touches and leans, and the words tend to be sparse but truthful when they matter and witty and prolonged when it’s nothing of importance. what a strange balance they have. shoutout to people who write msr, because it seems very hard to do when you want to write a genuine tale of them getting up to emotional activities.

overall, i liked this episode, but it was still a bummer. s4 is full of bummers, so far. i have not giggled in a while. i would like to giggle at some point in the future. perhaps that is something we can work toward. i once again request a fic where they go to an apple orchard. perhaps i shall end all of my posts with that, at least until we get some levity back to the game. that being SAID, it was still excellent.

let me know what you think- does everyone agree that this is a good episode? did you feel sad? did you think it was Too Dark? any criticism? any high praise? and the big one that is nagging at me now: how tf do you understand the way they communicate? can it be conceptualized?? please share with me all of your thoughts in as much detail as you can spare.

[venriliz]

why is the concept of showing empathy for drug/alcohol addicts so hard to understand for some ppl? v.v they suffer too sis, that problem has to come from somewhere and i bet most of them would rather not be addicted in the first place. some people don't know what nuance is i swear. am i crazy for having empathy with addicts??? i don't think so.

[seagull-scribbles]

The set is alive, with the sound of music 🎶

[agueforts]

me vs eternal grudges abt d20 captions

[mwagneto]

any time i remember time lord victorious arc i start shaking like a sick fucking dog

[eebie]

looks like SOMeone got visited by the autism fsiry

COCOMELON………..

[kolomo]

ash & eiji in every episode ↳ EP13 | THE SNOWS OF KILIMANJARO

“humans can be funny. they don’t understand death, but they instinctively fear it. there were so many times when i felt death would be better. dying would seem so sweet and tempting then.”

[harmonytheme]

I don’t know about spoilers but Oscar wrote in the comments of his last instagram post that he will be back on screen soon!

Thank YOOOOOU that’s exactly what I needed to hear today!

[semiotomatics]

me, watching literally any piece of media: is there colour theory in this?

[perenlop]

kirby wuvs you…… and chocolate………

[sunbratz]

me rewatching season 2 episode 5 of iwtv for the one millionth time like this