#it was so fucking rough seeing her decline over time. she went blind when we were on holiday in august and never really recovered

[chalkrub]

Pixie had to be put down yesterday and it was one of the hardest things I’ve ever experienced, she was such a special gentle little girl and I’m going to miss her so fucking much it’s hard to really comprehend right now. I’m so thankful I got to spend 20 years of my life with her, which is basically as far back as I can really remember – love her more than I can say

not sure if i'll post more or less art over the next while, depends on how i cope with it but heads up either way.

much love, give your pets a kiss for me

[morganaspendragonss]

´till death do us part

@911lonestarangstweek day 4 - m is for...mcd, mourning

if you saw my posts about the 'crying fic'... this is it

thanks to liz and @halsteadmarchs for the beta!

ao3 | 5.5k | major character death, hurt/comfort, mourning, non-linear narrative, car accidents, hopeful ending

This is a mistake.

It’s been a long time since Carlos last did this, but not long enough at the same time. His friends would disagree with him—they tell him he needs to get back in the game, and it’s well-meaning, but they don’t get it. They don’t know how hard these past few years have been for him.

They don’t know what it’s like to lose the person you thought you were going to spend the rest of your life with; they don’t know what it’s like to go from being engaged one day to alone the next. In fact, there’s only one person Carlos knows who even has a hope of understanding, and he really doesn’t appreciate the irony that it’s the one person he’s guaranteed to never see again.

It’s not that he meant to turn himself into a recluse after it happened; he knows that’s not what he would want for him.

Thing is, Carlos isn't sure that he gets to have an opinion anymore, since he was the one who left. Carlos doesn’t blame him for what happened—that would be stupid—but sometimes, sometimes, he just gets so damn angry at him.

(he always feels guilty for it after, which is equally as stupid as the anger. there’s no one left for him to direct it at, after all)

Carlos sighs, shaking his head as he steps into the bar. He doesn’t want to be here—he wouldn’t be here, but Michelle had threatened to make a special trip back to Austin specifically to kick his ass if he didn’t at least give this a try.

This, being the blind date his friends had insisted he go on. Technically, he could leave and still not be lying when he tells Michelle he went—he is in the bar, after all—but Carlos has never liked the idea of standing someone up, no matter the circumstances.

So here he is. Alone at a bar, nursing a lukewarm beer, and wishing he were anywhere else.

Someone slides into the seat next to him, and Carlos barely gets a second to prepare himself before he’s met with a winning smile and sparkling green eyes.

God, why did they have to be green?

“Hey,” the guy says, still smiling. “Carlos, right? Nice to meet you. I’m Domenic.”

*

Carlos is still trying to catch his breath, his head thumping back against the wall of the bathroom stall they’ve ended up in, when lips brush his ear, hot breath sending electricity down his spine.

“I’m TK, by the way.” The whisper is rough, a smirk laced into it, like TK knows exactly what he’s done to him.

And Carlos is so far from fully-functioning that the only response he can come up with is a breathy, “I know.”

TK pulls back, his brows furrowing though there’s a wry quirk to his lips. “Didn’t take you for a Star Wars fan, but okay.”

Now it’s Carlos’s turn to frown as his addled brain struggles to put together TK’s thought process there. “What?”

“Never mind.”

Well. This took a turn. Carlos has no idea what’s going on, but there is something in the back of his mind that tells him he must have sounded like a creep, telling this guy he’s pretty much only just met that he already knows his name. He gestures lamely towards TK in explanation. “Your turn-out coat at the scene the other night. I thought it probably stood for something but then one of your team—Marwani, I think?—called you. So.”

Carlos shrugs, embarrassment quickly catching up with him, which seems absurd given what they just did. Then again, it’s been a long time since he’s done anything like this; he’s more of a wine-and-dine kind of guy than the type to make out with a near stranger in a less-than-sanitary bathroom.

But there’s something about TK Strand that has Carlos wanting to know everything about him.

And if everything starts here, well. He’s more than happy to take it.

Thankfully, TK seems to pick up on the sudden awkwardness in the stall. He takes a couple of steps back until he’s leaning against the opposite wall, which doesn’t really put that much space between them, but Carlos appreciates it all the same.

“So, do I get a name, or…?”

The question has Carlos flushing all over again, turning a bright red when he sees TK’s smile. He clears his throat and smiles, trying not to wince. “Carlos.”

“Carlos,” TK repeats, dragging the syllables out like he’s testing the sound of them on his tongue. Carlos shivers a little, his breath catching in his throat at the small smile that spreads across TK’s face.

Then a phone is being thrust in his hand, unlocked and opened on the Add contact page. “Put your number in,” TK says. “In case you ever, you know. Feel like doing this again.”

A thrill runs down Carlos’s spine at the thought that TK wants to do this again. Maybe he’s not the only one who feels this connection. Maybe…

Well. It’s too soon for that. But as he types in his number, Carlos can’t help but wonder where, exactly, this road might lead.

*

His house is quiet when he gets home. It’s a familiar kind of quiet, one that’s lain over the place like a blanket ever since that day three years ago. Carlos has gotten used to it over time, and he thinks that maybe it’s eased a little—but only a little.

Things haven’t changed much over the years. TK’s stuff still decorates the house, not as much as it used to, but Carlos hadn’t been able to bring himself to remove the stuffed bear that sits on the chair by their bed, or the plastic duck TK had insisted they have in the bathroom for ‘the vibes’, or the hand-sewn heart a little girl whose parents TK had saved had gifted him, which hangs proudly in their front window.

And the pictures; Carlos refuses to take the pictures down. The one sitting on his nightstand had been turned over for a long time after the accident, but now he can’t imagine going to bed each night without seeing it. It’s from their engagement party, a candid captured by Evie, a professional photographer in the making according to Tommy.

Carlos is inclined to agree—the photo, showing him and TK looking at each other, wide smiles on both their faces, is his favourite thing in the world.

His phone rings, making him jump. Carlos sighs heavily when he sees Michelle’s name flash up on FaceTime and he briefly considers declining, but there’s no way she’d be deterred so easily.

He takes a second to get himself together, then answers, plastering a smile on his face. “Hey chica.”

Michelle doesn’t waste a second in getting to the point. “So,” she says, leaning forward and grinning, “how’d it go?”

“It went.”

Her smile falters and she frowns, scrutinising him. “Did you even go?”

“Yes.” Carlos purses his lips, not wanting to get into it anymore, but Michelle is insistent and he’s too tired to make excuses right now. “His name is Domenic, he’s nice, I’m not seeing him again.”

“Why?”

“You know why.”

“Carlos.” Michelle sighs, her voice going quiet. “It’s been three years.”

“That’s not a long time.”

“I know.”

“I still dream about him, ‘Chelle,” Carlos cuts in, sudden tears overwhelming him. “I still—I still think about what I could have done differently to save him, I still imagine the future we could have had. I don’t know if I’ll ever stop. I don’t know if I can stop.”

“When Iris disappeared—”

“It’s not the same,” he snaps, harsher than he means to. “You always had that hope, right? Everyone was telling you Iris was dead, but you always believed that she would come back. And she did, and I am so happy about that, I am, but guess what, Michelle? TK is dead. He’s dead. I’m never gonna see him again—in fact, the last time I did see him, it was when his body was lying in a morgue, and he was so cold and so still and so—so not TK that I could barely believe it was him.

“But it was, because he’s dead. It’s not the same.”

He’s properly crying by the time he finishes his speech, and Michelle has tears in her eyes too. Carlos feels a little guilty now, but he can’t bring himself to be fully sorry for what he said. Still, Michelle looks crushed, and Carlos can’t lose his best friend.

One more loss would kill him, he thinks.

“Michelle, listen—”

“It’s fine, Carlos,” she interrupts, swiping a hand under her eyes. “You… You’re right. It’s not the same. I’ll just. I’ll leave you alone now. I’m sorry the date didn’t work out.”

Then she’s gone, and Carlos is alone again, the weight of it settling uncomfortably on his shoulders.

*

Their first real date is painfully awkward, reminiscent of covert high school meet-ups with boys in the nearby diners, or like that one time Carlos tried using a dating app. That had been an experience he’d wanted to forget, but now he finds himself recalling it in horrific detail as he and TK sit on opposite sides of a table, a plate of limp fries slowly cooling between them.

“So—”

“I was thinking—”

They both speak at the same time, and an embarrassed flush rises on Carlos’s cheeks. He swallows past the lump in his throat and gestures to TK, barely able to look him in the eyes. “You should go first.”

TK laughs and shakes his head. “I was about to tell you the same thing. Since when have things been this awkward between us? We fucked on the floor of your front room about a week after meeting, surely we should be well past this stage by now.”

He has a point.

Carlos laughs too and finally works up the courage to meet TK’s gaze. “I mean, it’s not like we were doing much talking back then.”

“Things are a lot simpler without clothes,” TK agrees, a suggestive lilt to his tone and, somehow, it’s all that’s needed to break the tense silence they’d previously been suffering in. Carlos grabs a fry, grimacing at the grease that instantly coats his fingers, and points it at TK.

“Cool it, Strand,” he warns. “You aren’t going to find it that easy to seduce me anymore.”

TK grins, his eyes sparkling. “Oh, we’ll see about that, Officer.”

*

Carlos is surprised when he wakes up the next morning to a text from Domenic.

Hey, it reads. Sorry about last night. I know that you’re not into me or whatever and that’s cool, but I like you. Do you think we could maybe still be friends?

He sighs and drops his phone onto his bare chest, arm flopping onto the other side of the bed. It’s funny, he thinks idly; before TK, he’d tended to sleep closer to the middle and it had never bothered him. Now, it feels weird to break from the way things used to be—in Carlos’s head, the left side is still TK’s, and the right his.

He knows what Domenic’s text implies. ‘Let’s be friends and then we can see how it goes’. Carlos could tell him now that it’s not going anywhere and save them both the trouble, but he kind of...wants a friend.

It sounds pathetic, even to his own ears, but all his friends are either fellow cops, the 126, or Michelle, who’s in another state. And Domenic was nice. So, really, what’s the harm?

Twenty minutes later, they have plans to meet at a coffee shop.

Ten minutes after that, Carlos arrives.

*

Carlos startles as TK’s arms suddenly slip around his waist, his chin pressing into Carlos’s shoulder. He quickly relaxes into the hold, covering TK’s hands with his own, but TK isn’t fooled.

“Where did you go?” he murmurs, breath tickling Carlos’s neck.

“Nowhere,” Carlos answers. “I was just...thinking.”

“About what?”

“Well…” He hesitates, biting his lip, then spins to face TK, letting their still-joined hands swing in the minute space between them. “This is crazy, right? Not, like, bad crazy—well, a little bit bad crazy; our last place did burn down—but all of this. Getting a house together. Three bedrooms. All of it. It’s crazy.”

TK grins, the little frown that had emerged at Carlos’s first words quickly melting away. “Completely,” he agrees. He kisses Carlos briefly, then steps away, breaking their hands apart to tread a slow circuit around their new front room. Carlos watches him fondly, somehow falling even more in love with him.

“You know,” TK says suddenly, his eyes roving around the empty space, “I’ve never actually done this before.”

“What do you mean?”

He waves his hands, gesturing at the flaking paint on the walls and the lack of furniture. “Decorated a house. I had an apartment in New York but that came fully-furnished and I didn’t exactly have a ton of stuff to add. And then when I moved here with my dad, I didn’t care too much about how the house looked, and you know how my dad is about interior design. It’s a little...scary, thinking about doing it now, with you.”

Carlos’s eyes widen, his heart clenching at the words. “Do you… Do you not want to do this?” he asks, half-dreading the answer. He’d thought they were both on the same page here, but what if… What if…

“What?” TK frowns, crossing the room in three quick strides to meet Carlos. “Babe, no, of course I want to. It’s a good kind of scary, I promise.”

“You sure?” Carlos scans his boyfriend’s face, searching for any hint of doubt or anxiety. But there is none, and TK just smiles, kissing Carlos’s cheek.

“A thousand percent,” he says. “It’ll be fun.”

(‘Fun’ isn’t the word Carlos would give to what came next. ‘Frustrating’, possibly. Or ‘exhausting’. Maybe even ‘interminable’.)

(But, at the end of it all, they have a home. Their home. And Carlos can see their future taking shape before his very eyes.)

*

Domenic grins when he sees Carlos approaching him, and a part of Carlos regrets even agreeing to come. But he can hardly turn around now, so he forces a smile and slides into the chair next to him, extending a hand to shake. Domenic sends him a strange look at that, but obliges anyway, shaking Carlos’s hand with a surprising firmness.

“Hey,” he says, still smiling.

“Hey.” Carlos sighs, taking in Domenic’s bright eyes and warm, hopeful face, and decides, fuck it. “Look, before you say anything, I just want you to know that I’m not looking for anything right now. My friends set me up on that date with you—and it’s not that I don’t think you’re a good guy, I honestly do, but—”

“Carlos.” Domenic appears to be fighting off laughter, though he’s not entirely successful in it, a brief chuckle slipping past his lips. “You don’t need to explain yourself to me. I know it sounds hard to believe, but I really am okay with being friends. Not that I wouldn’t mind seeing where it goes, but…”

He trails off, seeing what must be obvious doubt on Carlos’s face. “Look, I’m kind of new in town, alright? I don’t really know many people around here, and I’m just...fuck, man. I’m lonely. So if you wanna be friends, then that’s incredible and more than enough for me. I swear.”

And Domenic is looking at him so earnestly that Carlos really has no choice but to believe him. He feels himself flushing a bright red, embarrassed at how self-centred and narcissistic he must have seemed, and a stammered apology is halfway out of his mouth when Domenic reaches over and lays a firm hand on his arm.

“It’s no big deal,” he says, patting once before drawing back. “I do want to ask, though, if you don’t mind? Why did you come on the date if you didn’t want to? Not many guys would.”

Carlos huffs a laugh. “My friends think I’m turning into a hermit. It’s an assessment that I...wouldn’t disagree with. Let’s just say you’re not the only one looking for a friend.”

Domenic’s eyebrows quirk up in interest. “Oh? Anything to do with your unwillingness to date? I mean, a guy like you—it’s hard to imagine that you don’t have men practically throwing themselves at you. Maybe even literally. How come you’re still single? Is there...someone else?”

Carlos’s whole body tenses at the question, his gaze dropping to his hands and his heart in his shoes. Tension lies thick in the air, and he feels the sudden urge to flee, but he’s rooted to his chair, stuck under Domenic’s scrutiny.

“Shit,” Domenic says, voice hushed. “Carlos, I—I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to… Fuck, forget I said anythin—”

“I was engaged.”

Carlos hadn’t meant to say it. He doesn’t know why he did. It’s just… He hasn’t really talked about TK properly with anyone in the three years since; his friends were all TK’s friends too, and they all knew him—knew them.

This is the first time he’s actually spending time with someone who didn’t know, and it’s not freeing exactly, but it’s the first time he feels free to speak about TK the way he wants to, without anyone else’s memories looming over it.

“I’m not anymore, obviously,” he laughs wryly, finally managing to look back up at Domenic, finding shock on his face. “It was… It ended.”

Domenic’s mouth opens and closes several times before he’s able to pull himself together enough to speak. “Who called it off?” he asks—which was not what Carlos was expecting. “Because if it was him, man. He really missed out there.”

Carlos hesitates a moment, then answers, “It was him. But it wasn’t on purpose.” He breathes out shakily, swallowing hard. “He died a month before the wedding.”

*

Carlos smirks as he hears a groan at his back, glancing over his shoulder to find TK pretending to bang his head on the table. “Having fun, babe?”

Another groan. “Let’s just elope. Let’s get married in some random courthouse by some random Texas official. That way we wouldn’t have to figure out stuff like a seating plan or—or what kind of cake knife to use. I mean, babe.” TK sends a pleading look in Carlos’s direction, and Carlos can’t help but laugh, cruel though it feels when TK’s wounded expression just gets worse.

“I’m pretty sure my mother and your dad would kill us if we did that,” he points out, causing TK’s mouth to twist.

“I hate it when you’re right.”

“No, you don’t.” Grinning, Carlos turns back to his chopping, except, when he reaches out for the next ingredient, he only meets empty space. “Mierda. TK, babe, can you run to the store? I forgot the chilis.”

“Can’t you just leave them out?”

There’s a hopeful note to TK’s tone, but Carlos stands firm—his cooking is the one thing he’s able to resist TK for. “You’d think you’d be used to spices by now,” he comments. “And the answer is no; go on. You’ll barely even taste them.”

TK mutters his disagreement, but he gets up and leaves anyway. Carlos watches him go, shaking his head fondly before returning to dinner. Technically, he could leave the chilis out, but he’s been brought up to consider even the mere suggestion as sacrilege, and he’s not planning on letting TK persuade him otherwise any time soon.

Twenty minutes later, he’ll regret that decision more than anything else in the world.

*

“Carlos, I’m so sorry. You don’t have to—”

“I want to. As long as you’re okay with it; I don’t want to just unload all over you.”

“It’s okay, I promise. What are friends for?”

*

Carlos frowns, checking the clock. TK should have been back by now; the store is only a five minute drive from their place, and surely he would have texted if he was going to be delayed. He’s about to call him himself when his phone starts ringing, TK’s name flashing up on the screen.

He sighs in relief, answering the call. “Did you get lost or something?”

Silence.

“TK?”

Nothing again, and Carlos’s panic starts to skyrocket. “TK!”

And, this time, he gets an answer.

“C-Carlos.”

Carlos’s heart drops into his stomach at the rasp of TK’s voice. He sounds like he can barely breathe—in fact, if Carlos strains to listen, he can hear stilted, ragged breaths coming through the phone’s speakers. TK is hurt, probably seriously, and, fuck, it was Carlos who sent him out in the first place, this is his fault, he—

“Carlos, please.”

He breaks out of his spiral and clutches his phone tight to his ear, racing around the house to get his shoes on and grab his keys. “TK, where are you? I’ll find you, I promise I will, and you’re gonna be just fine, okay?”

TK doesn’t speak for a few seconds, before, “No.”

Carlos screeches to a halt. “What?”

“I don’t—I can’t tell you where I am. I don’t know. And there’s—there’s no time. No— Someone found me, they called 9-1-1, but they won’t—there’s no time.”

“TK, don’t you dare give up, okay, don’t you dare talk like that. You just need to focus on my voice and stay awake for a little while longer and then they’ll get you to a hospital where they’ll fix you up. You’ll be good as new right in time for the wedding.”

“The wedding. Carlos, I—”

“And if this is your way of getting out of making all the decisions, then it’s a little bit over the top, you know? I mean, point proven and all that, but you could have just told me.” He’s getting hysterical now, he can feel it, standing in the middle of his front room trying to keep his fiancé alive and talking when he’s god-knows-where in god-knows-what condition.

But, as always, TK is there to centre him again. “Carlos, stop, please.”

Carlos doesn’t know if it’s the way TK’s voice is getting quieter and quieter, his energy obviously flagging, or if it’s his pleading tone, but he’s suddenly struck completely still. He can’t move a muscle, every sense tuned into whatever is happening on the other end of the phone.

“I don’t—I don’t want to spend the time we have left lying to each other,” TK eventually says, his words riding on broken breaths now. “I don’t want to leave you, but I think… No, I know that I have to now. I’m s-so sorry. I wish… I wish we…” A gasp, and a horrific cough that sounds like it’s tearing TK apart. “I love you.”

Carlos doesn’t get a chance to reply before there’s a loud thud, and it doesn’t take him long to figure out what caused it.

TK dropped the phone.

TK passed out.

It’s salt in the wound when, seconds later, Carlos hears the wail of sirens approaching the scene.

*

There are tears dripping down his face as he tells Domenic of the sheer, gut-wrenching panic and fear of those next few minutes.

How he’d been unable to put the phone down, instead listening as the screech of machinery and the raised voices of firefighters and paramedics drifted through the speakers.

How the noises had dimmed when they extracted TK, and how Carlos had strained to listen as the paramedics began to work on him.

And how, when he’d heard those final words, his world had come crashing down.

“I’m calling it. McRae, radio it in to the ME’s office.”

*

This isn’t happening.

Carlos cannot be sitting in his parents’ backyard, at his fiancé’s wake, in the same place and wearing the same suit that he was supposed to be getting married in a month from now.

He—

Fuck.

Carlos presses the heels of his hands into his eyes and curls in on himself, barely suppressing a moan of agony at the pain in his chest. He’s distantly aware of everyone’s gazes on him, but he can’t stop this tidal wave of emotion anymore than he can turn back time and change the fact that TK is dead and that Carlos failed him.

TK died all alone, and Carlos didn’t get the chance to say goodbye or tell him that he loved him. He couldn’t even bring himself to speak at the funeral—the one thing, the last thing he could do for the love of his life.

Instead, when it was his turn to speak, he’d been frozen in his chair, eyes locked on the coffin—(and, fuck, TK was in there, that was TK, fuckfuckfuck)—and Judd had had to take over.

Carlos hadn’t heard a word he'd said, though he’s sure it was beautiful, and everything that TK deserved.

Everything that Carlos couldn’t give him.

He failed him, he failed, he—

“No,” a hushed voice says, warm arms pulling him into a tight hug, and Carlos must have been talking aloud without realising because the voice keeps reassuring him. “You didn’t fail, sweetheart, you didn’t, I promise. You were there for him at the end and that’s all that matters; that he wasn’t alone when it happened. I know it hurts but it’s okay, it’s all going to be okay.”

Carlos tenses, wanting to scream at whoever’s holding him because how could anything possibly be okay? But when he pulls out of their grip, he sees that it’s Gwyn, her eyes red and cheeks tear-stained, and all Carlos can do is fall apart in his not-quite-mother-in-law’s arms.

She keeps whispering that it’s okay, and Carlos knows that it’s as much for her own benefit as for his.

*

“Hey sweetheart,” Carlos whispers, getting out of his car and leaning against the closed door. He always comes here when he wants to remember TK; it is where they said goodbye to him after all. And it’s the place where they had so many important moments—it’s where they became official, and where they finally spoke openly and completely with each other for the first time, and where they got engaged.

It’s their place, ridiculous as it might sound.

“Remember that night?” he asks, even now feeling a little self-conscious talking to the air. “I made you a picnic and we came out here to eat it and you somehow managed to get chocolate on your nose from the chocolate-covered strawberries.” Carlos chuckles, then sighs wistfully. “You were so beautiful. I had this whole plan to propose to you, but one look at your face and that damn bit of chocolate and I forgot the entire thing.

“I just blurted it out, right there and then. ‘Marry me, Tyler Kennedy’, and you said yes, and it was perfect.”

He blinks furiously, tears beginning to blur his vision. “I thought… But it was too perfect, I guess. Perfect things never last, and since I was never going to leave you, the universe forced you to leave me.

“I don’t know why I’m telling you all this. It’s nothing you don’t already know, and I’m not sure if I even believe that you can hear me. I never used to, back when we were together, but things change when suddenly the one who’s gone is someone you love. I’d give anything, Ty, anything to talk to you again, so I’m here.

“You know�� Just in case.”

His hands tremble and he swallows reflexively against the pain and grief crawling up his throat. He reaches inside the car through the window and grabs the bouquet of flowers he brought with him off the passenger seat.

It’s the same one he always brings whenever he comes out here—red camellias, hydrangeas, blue salvias, and forget-me-nots—all flowers that have meaning to them and their relationship. Hydrangeas for understanding; it had been the first flower TK had given him, his way of saying thanks for sticking around even after their disastrous beginnings.

The camellia, Carlos had gifted TK one anniversary. It means ‘you’re a flame in my heart’, which TK always was, always, and Carlos had found it a little funny too, given TK’s background. TK had loved it, and had made sure to tell Carlos in as many ways as he could think of that he felt the same.

The salvias were something they both did, often and at random, sometimes with no particular reason. Just whenever they wanted each other to know they were thinking of them—though, that was something they knew anyway.

Carlos had added the forget-me-nots himself after… After it had happened. It’s a reassurance, both to him and to TK, that he’s not forgetting; that he never will.

That he can’t, even now, three years down the line.

On shaky legs, he walks over to the tree a little distance away, laying the bouquet between the roots almost reverently. Carlos stares down at them long after he’s straightened back up, leaning against the tree, and he allows the memories and the pain to overwhelm him for a moment.

“Can you believe it’s been three years?” he asks the empty air, shaking his head. “I swear, I still miss you like it was yesterday; it doesn’t seem real that I haven’t seen you or kissed you or heard your voice in three whole years.

“I’m going to see your dad later. He’s… He’s doing okay, all things considered. He misses you—we all do—but I think he tries to hide it, like he has to be the strong one for everyone else. Don’t worry though, Ty, we’re looking after him. Making sure he doesn’t, you know. Do anything stupid.

“Your mom helps out a lot too, her and Enzo and Isaac. God, TK you’d be so proud of Isaac now—he’s started school, making loads of friends, and he’s just… He’s such a good kid. I wish you could see him; he was so young when you— You’d be amazed at how big he’s getting. And, hey, we’re making sure that he knows who his big brother was, so...so don’t worry about that either.”

Carlos hesitates before continuing; it feels weird to talk about Domenic here. He doesn’t need to, he knows—technically, there’s nothing even going on between them, though Carlos couldn’t deny how good it had felt when Domenic had hugged him when they parted ways after coffee. But there’s been a weird lump of guilt sitting in his stomach since that first date at the bar, and Carlos figures that TK deserves to know about it.

Even if he’s three years dead and probably can’t hear any of this.

“I met someone, you know,” he says, trying to keep his tone light. “It’s not like that, we’re just friends, but I think… I think maybe it could be like that? Maybe? I don’t know, Ty. I thought I’d never be able to love anyone in that way ever again, but Domenic is so kind and sweet and he makes me wonder if there’s a chance.

“I’m terrified. It’s—It’s stupid and selfish, but I’m so scared of getting hurt again, of having to go through what I went through with you again. Not that I blame you for the accident, it’s just… I can’t do it again. I can’t.

“God, even considering this feels like I’m betraying you. I do hate you a little for that; you still own so much of my heart and I’m never getting it back, whereas all I have of you are your hoodies and your mugs and that goddamn stuffed bear. Why did you have to go and ruin me like that, huh? Why, TK?”

He’s almost shouting now, but the question fades unanswered into the air, and Carlos’s anger vanishes with it. “Fuck. I’m sorry. I didn’t… I don’t hate you. I love you so much, and I always will, but I think maybe it’s time for me to let some of that go. I can’t carry on like this for much longer; you understand that, right?”

And maybe he’s imagining it, or maybe it’s just a coincidence, but the breeze picks up a little then, gently ruffling Carlos’s curls, and it feels like… It feels like peace.

He closes his eyes, and for a moment, it’s like he can feel TK there, like he never left at all.

I know, it feels like, his voice ringing loud and clear in Carlos’s head. I love you.

“I love you, too,” Carlos whispers, opening his eyes. TK isn’t there, of course, but, somehow, he doesn’t feel so empty anymore.

Then, with one final glance at the flowers, Carlos turns and walks away, his heart feeling lighter than it has in three years.

[aelin-queen-of-terrasen]

Could you do a fan fiction where Nesta and cassian pretend to be dating to prank the IC but then it slowly becomes more real until the IC has no idea what the hell happened? If you don’t want to, it’s perfectly fine, please don’t feel pressured to! 🙃

I wasn't pressured, I had fun writing it, thank you! I wanted to make it angsty, but I felt like fluff. Feel free to check out my masterlist.

who are we foolin' now - nessian 💖

It started with a harmless comment at one of their usual gatherings where both had been pestered by their friends on their relationship status.

Nesta was a little drunk, and in the mood to fuck with everyone.

The plan Cassian suggested was perfect for that, and she couldn't help but grin. It would keep everyone off their backs, she could be single without her sisters' constant scheming and matchmaking and not to mention, the surprise on everyone's faces would make this more than fun. So she'd agreed, in a moment of bad decision.

In her defense, she hadn't predicted the sparks that would go off at every small touch—and how could she? She'd never touched him before, not even casual hand holding. But he shook hands with her, to seal the deal, Cassian said, and she knew she'd signed up for trouble. But she went through with it, because he smiled like a little kid and she loved hearing him talk, and god, the way he looked, like he'd stepped out of some fucking magazine with his dark, shoulder length hair and those hazel eyes that made her stomach flutter. His rough hewn features were nothing to laugh at, and she found herself looking at him more and more through the evening.

And then they went home, and he occupied her mind until the next week. Her friends all met up for another dinner, and as planned, she entered the restaurant on his arm.

She was worried he could listen to her heart beating wildly, and she couldn't care less about the fucking prank.

"They're all staring," he murmured in her ear, and she felt his hot breath on her cheek. He smelt wonderful, and she smiled at him a little, letting that normal ice queen expression down a little.

He smiled back at her—no, he beamed like a little kid. God, had she never noticed how beautiful he looked before? All of him was like someone had peeked inside her brain, seen each and every desire she had and turned into this man. But the idea of them dating is impossible, he just doesn't date. Cassian is a player, so of course their friends dismiss her hand on his arm as nothing worth speculation.

She thought the plan was over then, because they tried and it didn't work. But then he leaned towards her and asked, "Can I kiss you?"

Nesta must have nodded, because then he took her hand and set beside her at dinner. All his smiles were directed at her. Sometimes, she even smiled back. It was the perfect night, and then he stood up and asked her if she'd like to go for a walk. They'd drawn some attention, but she didn't mind it too much, not when his attention was all fixated on her.

So they walked around, and he bought her an ice cream and talked about this disaster blind date Feyre set him up on. Bitterly, she wondered why her sister never set him up with her. Was it so unthinkable that he'd date her? She was so occupied in her thoughts, she almost forgot what she'd consented to until they were back in full view of the restaurant's entrance. Their friends were all shuffling out and they'd spotted the pair standing nearby.

Cassian pulled her closer and he asked again if she was sure she wanted him to kiss her. She must have nodded again, because he drew her closer and then they were kissing.

It was pure bliss, he fit so right with her, like two pieces of a puzzle. His hands travelled lower and lower, exploring every part of her body, setting it all on fire. Her lips parted in surprise, and he darted his tongue into her mouth. Her hands involuntarily cupped his cheeks, then they slipped into his dark hair. Neither of them heard the gasps of surprise, and the effusions of joy from their meddlesome friends.

He pulled back. Her face was flushed, lips swollen and her brown hair stuck to her skin. She was panting, and so overcome with desire, she was going to kiss him again—

"You think they bought it?" he asked.

Right. Pretend.

Nesta shrugged, trying to look unaffected. "Who knows? I think Rhys looks like he'll faint, and Amren looks smug, I can't see my sisters."

Indeed, Rhysand did feel like fainting, because he'd made a bet with Amren and Amren was now a hundred pounds richer woman. And her sisters, though thoroughly shocked, were examining every memory to see what they'd missed. They decided they had indeed missed some looks of longing and made their peace with it.

It was a big deal for a few weeks. Cassian's casual displays of affection added fuel to that fire inside her and soon, she was of the mind to confess her feelings.

But then Mor returned from that trip she was on, and she found out. She'd never liked Nesta much, and if she hadn't known the Cassian and Mor better, she'd have thought the blonde was jealous. Her displeased looks and bemused smiles reminded her of what she was, what she'd almost stopped feeling like—an outcast, not someone who belonged on the group but their charity case. When her sister had invited her, charity case had sounded like a good idea in favour of loneliness and she'd gotten regular invitations to every dinner since then but no one really cared whether she came or not. She'd never deluded herself.

But it hurt to think of now, so when the next weekly invitation came, she made her excuses and declined.

No one question her apparent headache, and it reinforced the belief that she was the charity case. She sentenced herself to a night alone in front of her laptop, movie after movie playing on Netflix, though she didn't pay much attention. Then the doorbell rang and she looked at the clock. It was way past midnight, and she wasn't about to open the door.

Then his voice came, "It's me, love, your boyfriend. Come now, open the door, Nessie." She hated when people called her that, but it didn't sound too bad when it came from his mouth.

She let him in with a teasing smile. "Hey, boyfriend."

He smiled again, but it was more mischievous than sweet. Then, the concern shone in his eyes. "You said you weren't feeling well, are you good now?" But he didn't wait for an answer, letting himself in and then he clicked his tongue at the bowl of popcorn beside her laptop with a "that's no healthy food."

He checked her for fever, offered to take her to the hospital (which she thought was a joke until he assured her it wasn't) and then cooked her soup.

He cleaned up around her apartment, took care of the dishes and promised to leave more medication for her in the morning if her 'headache' wasn't gone by then, and despite her many protests, he didn't let her lift a finger until he was there. When he was done, he parted with a kiss on her cheek and there was so much chaos in her head, she was surprised it didn't start an actual headache.

He came to check on her in the morning, of course, and cooked breakfast. (He gave her a strange look when she said she could cook for herself and added he wanted her to have a healthy breakfast) It was that—the sight of him in Elain's purple, flowery kitchen apron, standing in her kitchen, cooking breakfast for her that made her admit it to herself: she was in love.

So their pretend dating thing went on, this time only because she wanted to be near him, even if it was pretend.

Nesta took extra care to look pretty whenever they were to meet, and each kiss they staged was dreaded and anticipated in equal parts. She was beautiful—devastating even, but damned if she knew it. She didn't have her sister's soft features and her own exclusion from their friend group made her feel less special.

So time with her boyfriend was much appreciated, because he made her feel wanted. Even if it was pretend.

The third time she decided to take a leap of faith in him, before she could announce a thing, she saw him talking to her. Aelin Galathynius was beautiful, and so teeming with life, she looked perfect with him. It was enough reason for Nesta to hate her, and she was determined to do so until she ran into her at the next gathering and Aelin smiled at her and god, it was so hard to hate someone whose sarcasm was so fucking on point and who was so determined to make everyone like her. So there went her hatred, she couldn't resent the blonde anything but it didn't stop her from feeling envious everytime she got too close to Cassian for her comfort.

Her courage went out the window until her pretend boyfriend came to her at the end of the night and she pulled back from his embrace.

He frowned, "You alright?"

And she hated that her heart warmed at the concern in his voice, that it should affect her at all—

She ran out of the restaurant, and she wished she wasn't so pathetic to be crying after someone who was never even hers. She wished her breath didn't hitch at the thought that he followed, wished she hadn't halted.

But she did, and then turned to face him. He looked at her strangely and she kissed him because there was nothing else left to be done.

She kissed him like her life depended on it, like he was air and she was suffocating. He consumed her thoroughly, pulled her closer until she wasn't sure where one started and where the other ended—there was him, him, only him.

She was drunk on him by the time they pulled back. "No one is looking," he said.

"They aren't," she agreed, still a little breathless, panting against him. He was unwilling to let her go, and she was far from complaining about it.

"So who are we fooling this time?"

She smiled at him then. There was nothing half-ass about it. It was unrestrained and full of all the love she had. "No one. I love you."

"I love you too," Cassian said. "I have loved you since I first looked at you. Everything else has just been me becoming more aware of it."

She kissed him again, because she loved him, because she could, because it wasn't pretend anymore. It was a perfect day, because Nesta couldn't think of a single way to improve upon reality. She didn't want to either.

──────✧❅✦❅✧──────

tags : @annejulianneh111 // @aelinfeyreeleven945tbln // @b00kworm // @mysweetvillain // @fangirltrash74 // @julemmaes // @pixelatedpebble // @justgiu12 // @lucy617 // @robothevelociraptor // @official-kale // @bestbuddies07 // @soitsgorgeous // @curlyredqueen06 // @ribhinnog // @lordof-bloodshed // @purplerain // @xgetawaycar13 // @purple-rulez // @shadowsnstarss // @floatingfaith // @moondancer-204 // @stardelia // @sjm-things // @aprovechar-una-oportunidad // @deadlylady12 // @sunsummoner // @infinityandbeyond0503 // @rocky99 // @aesthetics-11 // @amren-firedrake //@queen-of-glass // @friendswithkevin // @sannelovesreading // @rocky99 // @awesomelena555 // @that-other-pineapple // @lol-im-obssesed // @peppermint-fae // @thesurielships // @thron3ofbooks // @queenofgreenbriar // @yafandomsdotnet // @maddymelv // @ireallyshouldsleeprn

[calypsoff2]

One. Part 4

I get Chris being upset with me but he could have waited to be like this, he didn’t need to tell me I am being a bad parent at my own event “you’re upset and I get it but I just needed you to know how you making Tianna feel, I get that we agreed on what we did but how is it you didn’t send her anything? She was that upset she didn’t want anything, like I am speaking nothing. I had to make the effort and go to her school and do a little thing, this is all because her mother isn’t there for her. Like it’s not good, I hope you can put it straight. A whole month” he shook his head “I get what you’re saying Chris; I do, I agree and honestly you’re making me feel even worse right now, I know what I have done. I will fix it but just let me have some happiness” downing my wine contents “and you have been for a whole month, I have been cleaning, supporting and helping those girls and they still ask about you, if I was them I wouldn’t. You don’t deserve it” he said, pointing at him “stop, right there” I said to him, before it becomes a bigger issue “I am just saying, ok?” He defended himself “so am I, now be quiet” Chris moved away a little “I know you must be so happy for the girls to be here” looking at my mother “over the moon mom, I just want things to get back to how they are. You know” I am just needing to get back to regular schedule with everything, crossing my arms across my chest. My mother knows this is awkward “you need to rest now, Rajad has been speaking on how hard you have been working. Tell her Chris, she needs to rest now” if Chris opens his mouth and speaks on this sideways I will go crazy but he just nodded his head “of course momma, I’m sure she will rest up now” My mother smiled at him, she knows something is off but she came up to us at the wrong time, we was in the middle of that “dad, Imani is taking her shoes off” Tianna grabbed Chris’ hand “oh god, she is a terror” Chris walked off to her “I hope you have been there for the girls too, and you have flew back and forth” looking at my mother and smiled at her, I haven’t done that at all but I can’t say.

Chris and the kids went back to the house, the house I left a mess. I know it’s a mess because I left it like that rushing here, I am so happy by how everything went. Things were declining from the start of the week, I have never so stressed “Tina, be truthful with me. Did I ever mention to you to send Tianna a gift?” I am sure I did, I don’t know anymore “you did but then when I asked for what you want me to send the next day but you said you will get back to me, but things got so busy, why?” Shaking my head my head “are we going now?” Mel asked, I guess I can go home now. I have stayed long enough, my feet hurt too “Dennis, you done with the pictures” he ran over to me, he has been blinding me all day with that flash “so Chris and the girls walked the carpet, I got some images” he turned the camera “he just stood to the side as the girls stood there and the paparazzi took pictures of them, I just think this is the cutest. He looks so proud of them and then” he started skipping through the images “Imani got all scared and ran at him” I am missing from this; I don’t know why but now I am emotional. Just I am not there, I am missing from their lives “I am sorry, I didn’t mean to upset you” waving him off and walked around him, now I am crying. I have suffered too; this is something I’ve always wanted too, and I did it and I wanted my daughters with me. I wanted to take them, but I just missed them so much, I just feel I missed out and now I’m not there. Am I a bad mother, I can’t even take this. Mel placed her arm around me “it’s going to be ok” she said, she says that, but I am heartbroken by this.

In the car going back to the house, I’m sad. I am sad by how everything has happened, I didn’t intentionally go out of my way to upset my own daughter, I wouldn’t do that to any of my kids. Just everything got to me, and it all went to shit for me “you sly bitch, how did you know he was coming?” I never got to ask that to her “oh when they was trying to contact you, he mentioned it and I said to him to keep in contact with me so I can meet him but like I said to him he shouldn’t have come like that on his own, also no security and on top of that they flew on the plane, like there isn’t a jet but I think he was being stubborn with everything I guess but you both need to plan around the kids you know, maybe it’s time for a nanny because Jen did complain” nodding my head “yep” I agreed “really?” Jah said shocked “saying that Chris doesn’t pull his weight and then I said no it’s not his fault, it’s on me. He has to stay at home, but we may need to look to that, but for now we move forward wiFenty will be released, the catwalk went great. I now need to take care of mines now, a little break from business” I need to step back, I will be at home and Chris can handle the rest. He has to go New York and do his thing; I will stay at home and spend time with my princesses. Catch up with home life, I need it “Rylee is such a diva, she said to me I don’t like your shoes. I goes these are more expensive than your outfit, she said “and they are still ugly” Jah gasped “I was like girl, try me. She is you” I chuckled “she is a handful, I know” shaking my head “you know what, Rylee is you. Like the confident you when you’re in your zone, Tianna is Robyn. Rylee is Rihanna and Tianna is Robyn but Imani, she is in her league of her own, Chris is constantly staring at her like Imani, no? What are you doing, chasing her too” I laughed shaking my head “that is my pumpkin, she is just a chubby faced Chris and I adore her so much” I cooed out, I love her.

I huffed out “home sweet home” I said out loud, the home is quiet but a damn mess “y’all cleaning this shit” turning to the stairs “bitch no, you are. Go on, go upstairs” I pouted my lips, I can’t even climb up these steps, I am so fucking tired right now “carry me” turning to Jah “girl, I can barely hold my own weight. You got the after baby weight, I can’t” hitting his arm, dragging my legs up the steps. I am going to sleep like a baby, I mean it I am going too. I have had sleepless nights for this, I am just glad it’s over with because I want to get back to normal. Reaching the top of the steps “I will see you tomorrow, good night” turning to Jah, hugging him “thank you for everything, you have been my rock” he has been the best “likewise, got to sleep” turning away from Jah and making my way to the bedroom, I just want to crawl into bed but then I know Chris will be in the bed so he will take space from me as he would. Trying to open the door but it’s locked “huh” I said confused, jiggling the door “oh, I told Chris to lock the door because he was concerned that Imani will run out” turning to Mel “my stuff is in there!?” I said all wide eyed “well I am fucking sleeping with you then” storming towards her, Mel cackled like a dumb bitch. Only she would get me locked out of my own room, now she can deal with me tonight.

Stifling out a yawn watching my daughters eat, Imani wants to be grown like her sisters, but she is making the most mess “I don’t understand why he can’t make us pancakes, he is being very lazy” Rylee said to Tianna “I think so too, he keeps yawning and ignoring us” I am just watching these two talk about me, are they being real right now “what we said about being judgemental?” they are really judging me because I gave them cereal, what the hell else do they want “nothing dad, I was just pointing out” shaking my head “Imani, why is your spoon like that?” she looked up at me and the next the bowl is on her “uh oh” I sighed out “uh oh she says, uh oh!” I repeated walking into the kitchen to get paper towels “dad, Imani made a mess” rolling my eyes “I can see she has” where the hell are the paper towels “she is eating the cereal still though” of course she is “oh wow, you’re a mess girl” Jah is awake “Imani!” Monica is awake, this means she can take care of them. Grabbing the paper towels “who made the mess baby?” Monica asked “daddy” now she is just lying “daddy, my god. Chris let me clean it, milk needs to be done properly. You go” Monica grabbed the paper towels “oh ok, I will see to Robyn. You know where she is?” I asked Jah “erm, Mel’ room” nodding my head, let me see if they are awake.

Knocking on the bedroom door lightly, I have knocked on every other bedroom door besides this one, this has to be the bedroom. Rubbing the top of my head as I stepped back from the door, they are probably not awake or something. The door opened finally “is she awake?” I asked Mel, she is half asleep with her robe wrapped around her “yeah, I think” she looked back in the room “you awake?” she asked “kind of, go in. I will be back later” Mel walked out of the bedroom so I could go inside “cool” slowly walking into the bedroom, I have really missed Robyn a lot. I miss having Robyn in bed with me, licking my lips staring at Robyn. She is staring at me still half asleep “can I come in?” I asked, she looks rough “you’re already in” her rough ass just being all grumpy with me because she has just woke up “so is that a yes or what?” closing the bedroom door “why are you being annoying, I have a headache” now she said that I banged the door shut “see, this is why I can’t stand you” she laid onto her back “you say that but you good anyways?” watching her rub her eyes “I suppose, besides the fact I was locked of out of my bedroom” sitting on the edge of the bed and then laid back, resting my head atop of Robyn’ legs under the covers “well I didn’t trust Imani, she could have ran out and then there is no baby gates so that is why. Sorry if you felt I was being harsh with you, but when I was seeing Rylee so hurt and upset by it and her saying she doesn’t want to do anything because you weren’t there, it upset me. As a father I couldn’t make her happy so yeah, I was just annoyed” I thought I would apologise, I don’t want to fall out with my wife now “just felt you could have waited to say it, right in the middle of the event was a little harsh and it did upset me, but it happened. I wish that you could have waited to say it, that is all. I don’t blame you for being upset because I would do the same with you, I would be angry with you about it so it’s only right you made your feelings known” I am glad Robyn understands why I felt that way “I am sorry I came at you too, I just want to clear the air because I missed you so much. I really did, I just want you home. As much as the kids missed you, I did too. It’s lonely and also it’s hard work too” Robyn cooed out “you’re a good man Chris, but we move forward, I am glad you came to me” looking to the side to see Robyn’ face “you sound like the therapist” we both laughed “well the worst thing we can do is not speak on it, I want that. We have been better then ever” she is right we have.

I am so happy to be back with Robyn, to be by her side again. Like we are just in silence, and it’s comfortable for us both. I am tired to say the least, I think taking care of the kids can take it out of you and with them waking up early just sucks “I love you so much Chris” Robyn said out of nowhere, breaking the silence between us “I love you more, I am tired sorry” stifling out a yawn “I can tell, I just want to go back to sleep but I am awake, how is it been then since I left with the kids” she asked, rubbing my chest as I opened my eyes “ok, the kids were trying to play a game on me and like not do their homework, for a full week this went on and then Rylee’ teacher goes to me that Rylee hasn’t been paying attention in class and homework has been missing for two weeks, I said how? Robyn just left? So he said she needed to have done this homework a while ago, then I realised it was those times where we were really busy, so she got told off, then I realised I had to make time for homework so when they came home we did homework, then they chilled while I made food, then Tianna had a party, a kid’s party so I sat there like a dumbass getting harassed with kids. Imani, she played hell. Robyn that is not my child. Ever since we got her ears pierced she has been hell, she bit me too and laughed. She has been sleeping in our bed, she won’t sleep in her own either, which when you’re here she does. She has been getting naked too, she has been beating Tianna, she climbed over the baby gate and fell and didn’t cry either, I don’t know what crack she is on, but she is. She keeps taking her pulls ups off, I am sick of her peeing on the floor” Robyn laughed out “oh my god, Chris she is your child. When I see her I am like Chris? I swear I thought she was going to be a boy, I really did. But she is my favourite Chris, I can’t help it but I will be back don’t worry, I will be setting rules again” I chuckled “she is a terror, but yeah I adore her. Man, she be jumping from the couch constantly, oh yeah god. She was unoccupied and was going to jump in the pool, so with Imani I had to always watch her, constantly. Rylee has been playing mother to Tianna. That is me” sounds eventful that “you know what, I wish I was home. I had a feeling the girls would have played up somehow, you have done so well Chris. You’re a good dad to them girls, they will appreciate what they got with you” I smiled lightly.

Sitting up on the edge of the bed, turning to Robyn in bed “you still look so tired, oh yeah Imani dropped milk on herself and then your mother walked in, and she was not best pleased but then told me she would take over” Robyn rolled her eyes “that girl, why did she do that though? You should feed her Chris, don’t trust her to be grown, especially when we are not home” licking my lips laughing “you spoil her but anyways I think we should do something with Tianna” tilting my head to the side “we!?” I spat “you’re the one in the doghouse now” she is cheeky “but we are both her parents” she ain’t shit “and!? This is on you” Robyn poked her lips out “Chris” she dragged out “Robyn” I retorted “what are you wearing under this bed?” she dragged the covers up “clothes, you not seeing shit, you are being unhelpful” I chuckled “show me” she is just playing now “nope!” she spat, I groaned out and getting up from the bed and crawling over her “show me?” I said, she smirked shaking her head “no” she said again, leaning my head down “you showing me love now?” nuzzling the side of her face “I love you and your morning breath, stank” Robyn wrapped her arms around me and dragged me down to her “I missed you so so so so much” she attacked me so many kisses and made me laugh as she did, moving my head back with her hands still clinging to my face “what are you wearing though?” I want to know “bras and panties, what else. I had nothing else” I missed her so much, letting my weight go from my hands as I wrapped my arms around her “Mel will kill us! Don’t bother” I don’t care what Mel says.

I obeyed Robyn, I am going to have to wait it out for sex clearly, but I have patience, since having three daughters I have that now “I hope no nasty deeds were done on that bed” Mel asked, I sniggered letting Mel go ahead of me to the living room. As soon as I did the first thing I see is Imani slapping Jah’ bald head, I busted out laughing “eh, excuse me. That is mean” Jah moved her away “Imani, even though that is funny you be nice now. Say sorry to Jah” I said, I have too “mommy! Mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy” Imani shouted jumping up and down on the couch, I didn’t even know Robyn was behind me. Moving out of the way, Imani is so excited and overly emotional to see Robyn “awww she missed you” Monica said, “I am here pumpkin, it’s ok” Rylee came rushing in from outside “mom, you’re awake!” I smiled seeing my daughters happy to see their mother “Rylee, why you go?” Tianna walked in but then saw Robyn “dad! Come” Tianna waved me over “but baby I want to sit down” she came in “please” I groaned out “fine” I guess I can’t say no to that now, I hope we are sitting down.

My daughter deadass just made me come outside to watch her do cartwheels, is she on crack “ma’am, you made me come outside for this? Don’t annoy me” Tianna laughed out “but dad, I couldn’t do it, I can now” I will give her praise “ok, good girl. I am proud of you, why ain’t you all over mom? I mean you haven’t seen her in so long” she shrugged “mom doesn’t care for me, I don’t want to be there” my eyes widened “woah” that is some harsh words now, I didn’t think she would be saying that “Tianna baby, come here” crouching down “I just want to spend time with you dad, just me and you” Tianna made her way over to me, she stood in front of me “Tianna, your mother loves you so so much! Don’t ever think that we both love you” she shook her head “mom doesn’t talk to me, it’s Rylee or Imani. Nobody say I look like mom, it’s Rylee oh you look just like your mom and then I am nothing, Imani gets oh you look just like your daddy and then I get ignored. I be with my sister, and they all say oh you look like your mom, oh your mom twin and then she gets these things and is the person that had pictures with mom, but I get nothing so that is why I got nothing for my birthday, I don’t want to speak to mom. I am not Rylee, and I don’t want to stay in the bedroom with Rylee anymore either, I don’t like it. It’s never Rylee and Tianna. I am not wanted daddy” I am literally so teary eyed, she sobbed out “I don’t like it” wiping the tear that fell “oh my god Tianna, you are my most loved daughter” hugging her close “you’re the most caring and loving girl” I really can’t believe I am hearing this.

Tianna got me crying “why didn’t you speak to me before? I am always here for you Tianna; you are so loved. You keep saying you’re not, but you are. Rylee adores you; you know she hates it when you’re sad. I have seen her console you and mom, she knows she has done wrong. Don’t ever think you’re not wanted by us, you are. You complete us Tianna” she wiped her eyes as she hiccupped, my poor daughter “the kids at school all want to be friends with Rylee, they all call her Rihanna. I see it dad, I see pictures on the phone” knitting my eyebrows together “this is why I don’t like you having a phone, you need to ignore social media. You look like the Barbadian family, trust me. I am sorry baby, you have got my nose” I laughed “you ended up look like my side of the family but trust me Tianna we all adore you, you really breaking my heart” I hate this for her “I don’t want to speak to mom, please don’t tell her. Can I stay with you?” licking my top lip “you got to speak to her” she shook her head “she doesn’t want me” she really got this in her head right now, she needs to stop “ok, that is fine. Just please stop crying” I am at a loss, like she has made me speechless about all of this and I just want to hold her until she feels love because she is loved.

Tianna’ arms wrapped around my neck and her head on my shoulder as I made my way back inside, Rylee and Imani are both climbing over Robyn, I am just thinking how to shake Tianna off to speak to Robyn “my niece giving you hugs! Where my hugs” this is hard to eyeball Rorrey to take Tianna, he is so confused “oh uncle Rorrey wants to take you to McDonalds?” Rorrey’ face dropped “what, really” Tianna said, I knew that would get her “yeah, Rorrey. Tianna” putting her down on the floor “go upstairs and get your shoes on” Rorrey is so confused, and he didn’t sign up for this, Tianna ran off “what you doing nigga?” I knew Rylee was going to also go and I caught her “I said Tianna only Rylee, Rorrey bro. I need you do this favour for me, please. I will explain just make sure she is smiling for me” Rylee is not amused “mom! Dad is being mean, why can’t I go?” shaking my head “no, just Tianna. You can cry all you want; you are staying here” I know Rylee is offended but I can’t, I want this to be just her “you owe me big, now I got to leave the home” dapping him as he got up from the couch, least this gives me the chance.

Tianna is gone with Rorrey “Robyn, I need to speak to you now” I know the whole living room is thinking what the fuck is going on “uh yeah sure” Robyn placed Imani down as she got up “can you just watch the kids, I need to speak to Robyn please” Robyn is confused, I mean the whole room is but I need to speak to my wife. Walking off and making my way to the second living room “Jah, I know you are doing some design thing, but can I use this room” Jah groaned out “sure, ten minutes because I need this room” nodding my head as I turned around, Jah made his way out and Robyn came in “what is happening?” Robyn asked all shook “close the door” placing my hands on my hips “I am actually feeling very nervous” Robyn said as she closed the door, she turned to me “we have a problem, a major one. Like Tianna got me crying” my lower lip going but I composed myself “so Tianna and I went outside, you saw that. She was being odd, like showing me shit for nothing. So I said why ain’t you inside all over mom, she goes mom doesn’t love me” Robyn’ face softened “what!?” She spat “oh there is more, so she started crying and said that Rylee gets called Rihanna and that she is her twin and I get nothing, I look like nobody. Nobody cares for me; mom doesn’t love me. Rylee gets stuff with her, and I think she saw things on social media. I said about them having a phone, she is hurting so much. She doesn’t want to speak to you or for you to know” Robyn is in shock, teary eyed like me “we need to fix this quick. I get Rylee gets that, but she is growing up and she is seeing it and understanding it. She doesn’t want to speak to you for some reason, I had to get her out of here so I could tell you this, I am just so shocked” Robyn started to cry, I knew she would because she adores her kids.

Rubbing Robyn’ back as I moved back from her “I am hurting, how can my daughter feel like that. I am just a shit person, I didn’t mean to forget her day” she said through her sobs “I think it’s a bigger issue then that Robyn, like that just added to it. We need to majorly just spend time with her, Rylee adores Tianna, I know she does but she takes over. She is the leader and I see it; I see people saying that’s your mini you but Tianna also wants to hear that, she cried so much but we need to act on this” Robyn moved back from me “my own daughter, what do I do Chris?” she is asking me “she wants to go shopping with me, maybe you come with me. We have to act on this together” I feel even more stressed then I usually do, that is my daughter feeling like this “she wants to be also called a mini you and I don’t blame her for that, you’re beautiful and talented. It’s sad she is feeling this” I am hurting for my daughter.

[atlafan]

Take it Slow - Part Twelve

a/n: okay this is my first shot at a harry:y/n fic, and it will be multiple parts. y/n had a bad experience with an ex over a year ago, and finally accepts her coworker and good friend Niall’s invitation to go on a blind date with his friend Harry.

(Shorter part, but there is fluff and a little bit of smut.)

Part One Part Two Part Three Part Four Part Five Part Six Part Seven Part Eight Part Nine Part Ten Part Eleven

Masterpost

Your hair is straightened and pulled half up. You have your new navy blue dress on that your mom bought you. It has a sweetheart neckline, and is tight around you, coming a few inches above your knee. You have a pair of white strappy heels on. You feel great and you look great. You grab a small box with a bow on it, and stuff it into your purse. Harry texts you letting you know he’s downstairs. You walk out and see him standing outside his car. He looks good enough to eat. His hair is slightly wet, and pushed up off his forehead. He’s wearing black dress pants, and a light blue button up. You walk up to him and wrap your arms around his neck.

“You look absolutely stunning.” He says into your ear, sending a shiver up your spine.

“I could say the same to you.” You say smugly.

He opens the car door for you, and off you go. Harry takes you to a nice restaurant with lots of food options. As always, he pulls your chair out for you, and it feels like everything is normal again.

“Have you spoken with Niall?” He asks.

“Yeah, I called him earlier to let him know I was alright. He was still with Sarah, so she’s in the loop as well.”

“Oh good. I know he was worried about you. I’m glad he was there last night.”

“Me too.” You put your hand out for his, and he takes it. “But I was also happy to be taken care of by you. You’re always so wonderful Harry.” You look down and see that his nails are now a nice peach color, and black. “Did you get your nails done today?”

“Yeah…I needed to relax, so I went in last minute.”

“I love this color combination.” You smile up at him. “I would love to get our nails done together sometime. I think that would be a fun date for us. Have you ever gotten a pedicure?”

��You’ve never looked closely at my toes before, have you?” He laughs. “I think a spa date is a great idea. Why stop with nails? We could get massages too.”

“Now that is a great idea.”

A waiter comes over to take your orders. You both decline on alcohol. Instead you just get seltzer with a lime, and Harry does the same. Harry gets a vegetable dish, and you opt for pasta. He makes you laugh throughout the meal. He tells you stories from his trip, and you tell him about the time Niall ripped his pants at work. Once the check is squared away, another meal he wouldn’t let you pay for, you work up the courage to say what you’ve wanted to all night.

“Harry.”

“Yes?”

“I have something for you.” You take out the small box from your purse. “But before I give it to you, I have something to say.”

“Alright.” He swallows hard, unsure of what’s to come next.

“This last month and half has been amazing. You’ve made me so happy, and I feel this connection with you. When you gave me your key so I could water your plants, I didn’t think much of it, but the more I thought about it, I realized that you were really trusting me. And, well, I know I gave you back yours, but I want you to know that I trust you too. So, here.” You slide the box to him.

Harry opens up the small box, and sees your spare key. He smiles at it and looks up at you.

“It’s a key to my place. Don’t feel like you need to give me back yours, but it would be nice not to have to buzz you in, or if there’s a night you want to come over after work, you don’t have to wait for me to get there to come inside.”

He doesn’t say anything. He reaches into his pocket and takes out his key ring, and takes a key off it. He slides it over to you, and then places your key on his ring. You take his key and put it on your keychain.

“It means so much to me, that you trust me (y/n). And I want you to feel like you can do the same. There was no better sight than walking into my place, and seeing you there, just being comfortable.”

“I also want you to feel comfortable to leave some clothes at my place too, if you want. It’s easier for me to slip into your things, but I want you to have things ready if there’s a night you feel like staying over. I don’t want to keep waiting for weekends to have sleepovers.” His eyes look glossy, he looks as if he could cry.

“That would be great, thank you. Since we’re being vulnerable here, I have to admit, I sleep better when I’m next to you. And I love waking up next to you.”

“I feel the same way, Harry.”

“Care to go back there now? I’ve got my overnight bag ready to go.” He winks at you.

“Sounds good to me.”

When you get in to your place, you immediately kick your heels off, and go over to the couch. Harry rests his bag on the chair next to the couch, and sits next you. He puts his arm around you, and you throw a leg over his. He runs his hand up and down your back. You look up at him, and marvel at his features. He looks down at you.

“Staring?”

“Admiring.” He places a kiss to your hairline. “Harry?”

“Yes, love.”

“Kiss me, please.” He sighs. “What?”

“I’m afraid to. You’ve had a rough couple of days, and I don’t want to do anything that will upset you or trigger you.”

You get up, and move to straddle him. You take his face in his hands, tilting him up to look at you.

“I do not ever want you to be afraid. I appreciate you being cautious, and not wanting to upset me, I really do. I don’t want what happened yesterday to stifle our progress. That douchebag is not going to ruin what I want to have with you. I’m not anywhere near to being ready to give you all of my body, but I want to get there with you at some point. The only way to do that is to keep making small steps. So, please, fucking kiss me.”

With that, his hands go around your back, and he’s pulling you closer to him. His lips connect with yours, and you part yours immediately for him, sinking into the kiss and his touch. His tongue grazes your bottom lip before entering your mouth. It molds perfectly with yours, and you moan as his hands travel down to your butt.

“Bring me to the bedroom.” You say against his mouth.

He smiles, picks you up, and puts you over his shoulder, causing you to laugh and squeal. He brings you into the bedroom, and set you down on your feet gently. You turn around.

“Can you unzip my dress?”

“Mhm.”

You feel him step behind you. He slowly unzips your dress, and moves the material off your shoulders enough to gain access to your skin. He kisses your left shoulder, and gives you a little bite, sucking slightly. He does the same to your right shoulder. You shrug the dress off and let it pool at your feet. Your turn to face him, revealing a black lace bra and panties. You start to unbutton his shirt, and untuck it from his pants. You tilt your head up to kiss him while you undo his belt and pants. He takes his shirt off and the t-shirt he had on underneath. His pants drop to the floor and he steps out of them. He takes a really good look at you.

“You are so unbelievably sexy.” He pulls you in and presses you against him. He nibbles on your earlobe for a moment. You realize this is his thing. Harry likes to bite, and you love to be bitten by him. “Tell me what you want?” He whispers. You feel yourself getting wet for him, his words alone have the power to make you hot.

“I want your mouth.” You say into his ear.

“Where, love, tell me where you want my mouth.” You grab his thumb and press it to your clit, causing his chest to rise and fall.

“Here.”

Harry lifts you up, and places you on the bed. You scoot all the way back to the headboard, and he climbs on sitting in front of you.

“I’d like for my bra to stay on, but you don’t need to turn the lights off. I wanna see you.”

“Alright, baby.”

You lean back a little, and take a deep breath. He parts your legs, and places soft kisses along your inner thigh. His thumb rubs against your clit, with your panties in the way. He kisses you through your panties, and your mouth falls open, he’s making you pant already. He was teasing you.

“H, Harry…”

“Here right, you wanted me to kiss you here?” He asks looking up at you.

“Yes, please.”

“And you’re already wet for me, you know that?”

“Yes.”

“Yes, what?”

“Yes, Harry, I’m already wet for you.” You don’t want to give him so much power, a grin grows on your face. “Don’t you want to taste?” His head completely perks up.

He grabs at your waistline, looking at you still. You nod and lift your hips so you can drag them down the rest of your body, and then tosses them on the floor. He licks his lips, and admires the shine from your wetness. You want him so bad, and he can see the proof. He kisses your clit first, lightly swirling his tongue around the bundle of nerves. He uses his hands to spread you apart further. He sucks on your clit and then uses the tip of his tongue to flick at it, up and down. Your back arches a little from the pleasure he’s already bringing you. Your fingers find his hair, pulling on his curls. His mouth moves down to your warm center, where you’re dripping for him. He guides both of your legs over his shoulders, as he laps his tongue all around you. He looks up at you for a moment, and smiles.

“So sweet, always so sweet baby.” This causes you to groan, and push his head back down to you. You feel his smile against you before he begins to lick again.

His tongue enters you, licking up as far inside as he can. You begin to moan, your chest rising and falling rapidly. You push your head as far into your pillow as much as you can. His hand moves from your right thigh, and thumb works on your clit.

“Oh, fuck, Harry!” You yell out. “That feels so good, please don’t stop!”

He licks into you faster, drinking all of you up. He rubs your clit faster and faster with his calloused thumb. His left hand has moved to press down on your stomach. You could feel your release coming.

“Harry, fuck, Harry I’m gonna come.”

He groans into you as you release onto his tongue. He continues to suck on you as you ride out your high, pulling harder on his hair. You feel a tear run down your cheek, and you wipe it away. He leans up, and hovers over your body, propping himself up on his elbows. He kisses you, even though you can slightly taste yourself, you don’t care. Your head is swimming with what he was able to do for your body. His tongue goes into your mouth, and you suck on it.

“If I keep my boxers on, can I rub against you?” He says looking at you with those green eyes you’ve grown so fond of.

“Yes.”

You spread your legs back out and wrap them around his waist. He presses his hard dick against you, and you grind into each other. You feel your wetness getting all over his boxers, and he grind into you further, dicks pressing hard against your clit. He kisses your neck and bites down slightly, causing you to moan. You loved the way it felt when his teeth would sink into you. You can tell he’s breaking the skin because he licks over the bite to try to sooth it before sucking on the same spot again. You bring your hips up to meet his, and he groans into your neck. One his hand travels down to grip your ass as you move against him.

“Fuck, (y/n), I’m going to-“ Before he can finish saying it, he comes into his boxers, and you feel the warmth from it hit you. This turns you on, making you come undone again.

“Shit, Harry!” Your back arches as you ride out your second high of the night.

He rests his head on your chest for a moment, trying to catch his breath. He looks at you and smiles.

“I’ll never get sick of hearing your say my name like that.”

“I could say the same thing.”

He gets up, and does down the hall to grab his bag, he changes his boxers in the hall, and comes back in with his bag, he’s about to stuff his dirty ones into his bag, but you speak up.

“Babe, just put them in the washer, I have some clothes I still need to wash tomorrow, I can take care of that for you.”

“Are you sure?”

“Of course.” You smile at him. He opens the hall closet, and puts his boxers inside the washer.

You get up and use the bathroom, come back at out and take your bra off. Before he can get a good look at you, you put the t-shirt he was wearing earlier on.

“This okay?” You ask, already knowing the answer.

“Looks better on you anyways.”

You both climb back into bed, and you rest on his chest. His arm goes around you, and keeps you close to him. His fingers trace circles into your back, and yours do the same on his chest.

“(y/n)?”

“Mm?” You say, as your eyes start to flutter closed.

“I’m really happy.”

“Me too.”

[boku-no-imagine-this]

todoroki angst please! I need by Icyhot hubby and tears (hhggggggg i'm messed up. today has been rough)

Flamingo

A/n: Hope you feel better! This was fun to write,,, thank you anon! Thanks for the help from a special person

—————

Since when had the world looked so dreary.

 A habitual frown was plastered on the male’s face as heterochromic dull orbs dazily watched the pouring rain. He turned his gaze to the students walking out the gate with their raincoats and umbrellas. He gripped onto his umbrella tighter, impatience rising. 

“Todoroki!” 

The said boy had turned around to see the person who had called him. The freckled boy ran towards him with umbrella in hand. “Do you wanna come with Uraraka, Iida, and I to the mall? Everyone else are gonna be out by what I heard” Midoriya inquired. Shoto politely shook his head to decline. No words were able to go past his pale and cold lip. A frown made its way to Midoriya’s face.

“Oh, Alright. See you later” He said and left with his two friends. As soon as that was over, he was back to simply standing by the gate of UA.

 Several minutes had passed by along with the students. A cold breath escaped from his lips, he finally decided to give up and walk back to the dorms. 

His shoes made splatters through puddles causing plops and his footsteps to be more audible than usual. The rain falling lightly on his transparent umbrella as well as the unclear chattering of passerbyers filled his ears.

Dark circles under his eyes were evident. His head constantly ached from the lack of sleep from the previous nights; nights he spent trying to figure out why he wasn’t feeling well. The boy was disheveled.

He stops in front of a small convenience store. He closed his umbrella to put in into the holder as he entered. He was about to take a left turn to the instant heated food until he saw a blur of red and (E/c).

 You were laughing with his classmates he also easily recognized, Ashido and Jirou. The only odd thing was that everything was monochromic; the only colors in his vision being your bright (E/c) orbs and the scarlet hairclip on your hair. He stood there admiring how warm and surreal the sight in front of him was. It felt somewhat comforting, a warm aura radiating from the red and (E/c). Slowly, a shade of pink faded into his vision, coming from your cheeks. A blush coated your cheeks as you smiled and talked to the two other females. He pondered on how you were able to radiate such an aura and warmth at a cold, rainy, and lonely day like this.

 He lifted his hand to try and move forward but something stopped him. He couldn’t bring himself to do so. 

You and the other two began to walk for the exit, which was close to him. Every step you made closer to him, the warmth increased and color began to fade into his vision. Once you and the girls were finally beside him, you suddenly vanished. Just as you  vanished, color suddenly snapped back to sight; it was as if reality had just washed over him. The coldness returned as Ashido and Jirou walked away together.

He sighed and went to the instant warm food aisle.

----

Todoroki shut the main door of Heights Alliance as he removed his shoes. The building seemed isolated. ‘Right. Everyone’s out tonight’ he remembered. He shook the thought off and walked up to his room.

He let out a sigh of relief to be back in his room. He sat down on the tatami mat and opened his school bag to get some of his school books. He opened them and set his mind to study.

5 minutes had passed; blanks on the book were still not filled.

10 minutes passed; knowledge from the printed words in the book had not been gained.

30 minutes passed; his focus was elsewhere.

The dual haired boy gritted his teeth in frustration. He tried to focus on his studies but an ache and constant churning in his heart would remain. It was unlike him to be like this. He attempted to turn a blind eye to it but it would hurt even more when he tried to do so. It was similar to what was happening days ago, weeks, even months. Even though it had been such a span of time with that occurrence, he couldn’t bear to get used to it. He breathed out in attempt to clear his mind.

 When he was finally able to concentrate, a melody had come to his earshot. His eyebrows furrowed in confusion. If someone had arrived, a ruckus and noise would have been heard from downstairs. The melody was distinctly heard. He listened to it, just as he was doing so, the warm aura from earlier had come back.

He stood up and listened intently in order to follow where the humming was coming from. It wasn’t that it was bad, but the warm feeling from earlier felt too comforting, as if it were also making him move and come closer, as if it were alluring.

He finally arrived to the area across his room. It was surely coming from the room with a door creaked open slightly. Todoroki walked closer to the small opening to see who or what was in there just to check if it was safe.

The moment he was able to gain a clear glimpse, his eyes widened, pupils dilated.

 You were in the empty room. Your eyes were shut gently as your body moved gracefully in several movements. Your lips were also shut softly as you hummed. Every movement was odd yet mesmerizing. Your body tilted and turned around several times while your arms and legs moved in sync. It was amazing in his sight. The warmth increased ever so slowly.

A tingling volt had suddenly and slowly rushed up his body while he watched. Not a second hid he take his eyes off until he snapped himself out of his daze. He sighed and decided to go back to his room. He stopped himself before doing so. He turned his head around to get one last look however, when he looked back, you were gone.

A sudden ache came back to his head. He should have expected it. His heart fluttered and ached at the same time. At first, he was completely unaware and oblivious to his feelings. After he had come to recognize them, he shunned his feelings for you. He didn’t want to accept it. He knew full well he was infatuated but didn’t want to continue having those feelings. It would bring great harm to you both; so he stood by the sidelines and simply continued. Every time he would see you, it was like you were provoking him, alluring him into temptation. He knew full well he loved you but he began to wonder why the thought of you slipped his mind.

He went to the elevator and decided to go down walk out to the courtyard. A dam feeling on his head and shoulders were suddenly felt. Todoroki lifted his head to have drizzling rain falling onto his face. He removed his jacket to put it on a large stone of hang on.

 He walked to the center of the dimly lit courtyard and lifted his knee slightly. After a shot moment, he moved his arm and made a sharp and small turn. His right shoulder moved forward suddenly then his neck turned to the side and tilted to the left and around. He lifted his both his arms to have his right arm slightly upward with his hand bend while the left arm was downwards and his hand bent as well, he swiftly moved his arms to the alternative position before he lifted his left arm up along with his right knee slightly bent upwards. He began to hum and imitate the tune of your melody from earlier just as he was doing so with your dance. 

His neck craned to the side then downwards while he bent his upper body down to quickly shoot up.

 His head began to throb as his hair and clothes were now drenched in rain water. He didn’t mind it though and continued to move. He turned his foot to the side making his body do so as well. A splash of water was sent away with his foot. His arms moved in sync with his body. He immediately heard the main door open along with the chattering and footsteps of his classmates signaling that they were back but he couldn’t bring himself to stop. He yearned to continuously have the warmth he was feeling now, the melody to eternally remain in his earshot.

His body bent down slowly to pause and embrace the warmth and coolness.

----

Midoriya grinned at his classmates while conversing until he remembered that Todoroki was alone. He was just about to excuse himself to go and check if Todoroki was back until he heard Bakugou.

“What the actual fuck is that Icyhot bastard doing now? Is he drunk or some shit?”

This had caught everyone’s attention. The rest of class 1-A had began to watch as Todoroki danced outside in the rain.

 “Oui, he’s intoxicated in love. Mourning for the loss and unrequited feelings of his love every night.”

 “Aoyama, I’m severely concerned for your mental health.”

Uraraka walked towards Midoriya with a frown plastered in her face. “Hey Deku, is Todoroki alright?”

 Her question made him frown because he knew full well what the answer was.

“Todoroki is still upset about L/n’s disappearance. It’s been months but I believe he’s been hung up on it. I noticed he did that a few weeks ago and remembered it was the dance L/n used to do back then.” Midoriya explained.

“Right. I remember he liked her.” Sero blurted out. “Sero! You shouldn’t say things that you aren’t supposed to especially if they are regarding someone’s personal business” Iida scolded.

 “So Aoyama is right” Uraraka said.

 “No” Midoriya firmly said. “L/n is not dead. She’s just missing. Todoroki’s upset about shunning his feelings for her, he’s upset that while doing so, He ignored her and wasn’t able to do anything. We all are.” He said. 

“Then let’s try to get her back” Kirishima prompted.

“L/n said in the not in her room that we shouldn’t follow her. Let’s respect her wish” Yaoyorozu said.

“You’re saying that as if she were dead! Midoriya just said she isn’t” Kirishima yelled.

 “Kirishima cool down” Ashido said.

 “Right. Todoroki’s doing the best thing we can do” Midoriya said. 

“Morning? Staying in the rain dancing?” Kaminari questioned.

 “N-no that’s not what I mean. He’s keeping hope that she’s fine at the same time having faith in her. He knows he shouldn’t be mourning but… yet he is still upset. He’s turning pain into strength. Todoroki just needs to finally realize it wasn’t his fault.” Midoriya said.

Iida sighed while nodding. “Everyone go back to your rooms and prepare for bed. I’ll try to being Todoroki back in before he catches a co-”

 “He’ll come back Iida. Trust me; like what he’s doing with L/n” Midoriya forced on a smile before shifting his gaze to Todoroki who was still moving in the rain.

*The flamingo meaning also encourages you to get in touch with your emotions. Be a better and stronger person by turning your pain into strength.

[ms31x129]

Blind End

A Never Again / AU / Missing Scene fic

********

Detective’s Gouveia and Smith had offered to drive him to the hospital and he had declined.

“Agent Mulder - Agent Scully told us repeatedly that she wasn’t sexually assaulted. And she didn’t appear to be in any distress during our brief interview with her early this morning at the suspect’s residence”.

“This morning?”

“Yes this morning we went to interview the other tenants when another tenant Kay Shilling was reported missing. She answered Mr. Jerse’s door. It appears whatever happened last night,”

Last night. Last night. Last night.. He had to focus on Det. Gouveia - he was still speaking.

“Between them was consensual…. A couple of hours later we got news 911 was called to the address we’d just been at with a report of an assault, some type of psychotic break on the part of Mr. Jerse according to your partner. Must have been for a guy to stick his arm in a furnace, right?”

Mulder nods not exactly sure which part of Det. Gouveia’s statement he’s actually agreeing to before heading to the rental car.

Mulder entered the hospital and could see Scully’s gurney being wheeled into the main ER doors.  He was stopped by a rather large and imposing gray haired nurse who demanded to know who he was when he tried following Scully’s gurney.

“Just a minute, hold up there - are you the husband? Family?”

“No.”

“Well we have protocols at this hospital - who are you?”

“I’m Agent Fox Mulder with the FBI and that,” he points to the now closed doors. “Is my partner Agent Dana Scully and now if you’ll excuse me I need to be in there with her.”

“You will remain here Agent Mulder until I return for you.” She points to a waiting room and Mulder doesn’t move. “Agent Mulder I’ve worked here for 40 years and I know as soon as I turn my back you’re going to try and sneak in there - let the staff do their jobs. I won’t hesitate to call security and have you removed - FBI or not.”

“I’ll get some coffee and then I’ll be back.” Mulder stalked away, needing the motion to avoid sitting and doing nothing - allowing his thoughts to repeatedly analyze the fact that Scully had been with another man. Who was a murder suspect - last night. He didn’t like it. He also realized he really didn’t have any right to like it or not.

Outside Scully’s Hospital Room

2:00 pm

“Your partner has a concussion, Agent Mulder and her blood sugar was dangerously low either or both of which could have caused her fainting. We are going to keep her at least overnight - I would prefer 48 hrs. in order to monitor her. If you leave your number at the desk…”

“I’m not leaving. I’ll sit in a chair in her room, you won’t know I’m there - but I’m not leaving.”

The doctor nodded with grudging acceptance. Nurses through the night would notice before entering the room that afternoon and evening. Mulder holding Scully’s hand only to release it when he would hear the door open.

Scully’s Hospital Room

3:00 am

Mulder had been watching Scully for hours, the nurses kept assuring him she was okay, vitals were good she responded to pain stimuli even though she didn’t awaken. “Don’t worry, Agent Mulder she will be fine,” they said. Around 3 am though she began to whimper…

“Mulder… no … please stop.”

He stood and gently stroked her forehead trying to soothe her, “Shhh… it’s okay… Scully it’s okay.”

She’d quieted almost immediately and Mulder sat back down scrubbing his hands over his face. Was she thinking about the attack? Did she call out for his help and he wasn’t fucking there? Or did he have his answer?  His attentions were unwanted? He’d pushed and she’d wanted him to stop… and he hadn’t.

He’d fallen asleep toward morning, his head on the bed near her hip with Scully’s hand on his head. The nurse who had barred him from the ER the previous day, she’d made it a habit to check in on patients the following day was the one to witness this…and more. The patient’s hand began to wander through Agent Mulder’s hair and her eyes slowly opened. Agent Mulder blinked and raised his head, Agent Scully’s hand moving down to cup his cheek. His lips curved into a gentle smile and he grabbed her hand and placed a gentle kiss on it before nuzzling it with his cheek.

The nurse gave a sigh and quickly swiped at her wet eyes before walking away. There was no need to disturb them. The patient was in good hands.

Mulder excused himself and stepped out of the room, his phone rang and Skinner told him to get back to DC immediately with some explanation into the report laying on his desk regarding Agent Scully’s assault. He hung up and dialed the phone.

“Mrs. Scully? It’s Fox, Fox Mulder.”

After speaking with Mrs. Scully Mulder stepped back into Scully’s room. He’s not there long.

“Hey Scully… Skinner called I need to get back to DC asap. I called your mom she’ll be here later today.”

He quickly leans over and kisses her forehead. “Feel better, Scully.” He avoids any eye contact and exits the room. “But… Mulder…” echoing in his ears.

When Mrs. Scully arrives she is stoic hugging her daughter with a million questions, she is about ready to ask when she glances in the trash and sees a small wad of bloody tissues.

“Dana?”

Scully had seen her mother’s eyes dart to the side. She sighs, “It’s okay mom I just had a nosebleed. The air is dry in here.”

Margaret Scully sits in the chair Mulder had occupied all night and pinned her daughter with a stare.

“You need to tell me what’s going on, Dana… and why I had to hear my daughter was attacked and is in the hospital yet again. Where was Fox? And why isn’t he here with you?”

X Files Office

Morning

Scully’s first day back was rough. She was still bruised, tired and also dealing with the aftereffects of her concussion, sensitivity to light, dizziness. Mulder’s relief at seeing her slowly leached away to be replaced by sarcasm.

“Welcome back. You look a lot better than you did in the hospital. And congratulations for making an personal appearance in the X Files for the second time.”

Mulder gets a file out of the cabinet and sits at his desk flipping open the file. “It’s a world’s record.” Scully doesn’t respond, Mulder clears his throat and continues.

“Ed Jerse is in custody at the St. John’s burn facility in Philadelphia. Traces of ergot were found in his bloodstream as in yours, but not to the degree that should cause hallucinogenic ergotism.” Scully finally sits and Mulder continues.

“He’ll undergo psychiatric evaluation after recovering from burn trauma. Comrade Svo has been shut down, he was under investigation for having connections to my friend Pudovkin. Case closed on Boris Badenov, which is really a shame because I was thinking of having an “N.Y.” tattooed on my ass to commemorate the Yankees’ World Series victory. Better late than never, hunh?”

Scully picks the rose petal off his desk. Mulder watches her uncomfortably before rising and putting the file away and getting another. He tilts his head back searching for the words, any words.

“The uh, field office in Dallas is uh, receiving reports of the image of a missing child appearing on a blank billboard outside of Arlington…” Mulder sits again opening the file. He pauses, there are things he can’t say here he can’t allude to anything with eyes and ears recording them.  “So…. All this, because I’ve … because I didn’t get you a desk?”

Scully looks at Mulder holding his gaze. “Not everything is about you, Mulder. This is my life.”

Oh but it was about Mulder and more. It was about friendships - relationships that had faded away or passed her by. About life being more than her job, gratifying as it really was at the end of the day.  About wanting to have a healthy sexual relationship. About an attraction that at its core was the one she’d promised herself she would never enter into again.

“Yes but it’s - -”

Scully looks at him questioningly. He opens his mouth to speak, wisely decides not to then sighs and fiddles with things on his desk. There’s an uncomfortable, weighted silence in the room.

Scully shifts her position in the chair and somehow manages to stifle a gasp when her tattoo started to throb anew - and the memories, thoughts start to bleed into her brain.

Scully wasn’t sure why the ouroboros design intrigued her so. The circle of life had popped into head and she’d managed to stifle a laugh. She’d observed the meeting between the two men and taken Ed’s card as a courtesy nothing else.

That was until Mulder had asked if she had a date… and found herself dialing Ed Jerse’s phone number. Would she have called except for Mulder’s remark? She doesn’t know.

He was attractive, but she could see he was more like the type of guy Missy would have brought home just to tick off their parents. So why call? Was it the darkness hovering about him intriguing? Didn’t she want to leave that darkness behind? She should have suspected there was something more to that darkness when she found a photo with his face burned out.

Instead they went to a dark and dingy bar and talked. She found herself opening up to him and she didn’t know why. Why didn’t the words “I’m fine,” breach her lips once? A few times she looked at him and didn’t see Ed - she saw Mulder. Mulder with his white dress shirt rolled up to his elbows. Mulder’s forearms were a work of art.

Scully shook her head and as she relaxed she had a quick image of all the patron’s in 1920’s clothing, Scully knew this was once a speakeasy bar famous for bootlegging and other crimes. The piano player looked like Mulder and the femme fatale draped across the piano looked like her, bright red lips were singing to the crowd, but she would turn and her eyes were all for him - the piano man.

She closed her eyes and gave a gentle shake of her head, when she opened them the vision was gone.

“You’re so curious. Get your own.” Ed finally said.

Getting the tattoo was an experience. Some would say the pain bordered on the erotic, maybe it did… She stared into Ed’s eyes part of the time, it hurt it really did she had to keep catching her breath. She had to wonder did she secretly like pain? The needle entered her skin repeatedly, her eyes blurred and burned. Ed became Mulder again - looking at her with concern and confusion.

He stepped towards her his hand reaching out to gently cup her lower back off to the right, like always guiding her, letting her know of his presence. Even from the first day she’d never felt he was touching her inappropriately, it was courtly, and comforting…Mulder was a gentleman in an era of increasing feminism.

She blinked again her imagination breaking apart like shards of glass embedding themselves in her skin, in that newly inked tattoo… Mulder’s spot.

Three weeks went by, Scully was pulled in for several autopsies due to backlog in other departments, being away from Mulder gave her time to think and 3 weeks later Scully made a decision she stopped into the basement office after her final autopsy. “Mulder?”

“Yeah, Scully.” He seemed to brighten and dim at the same time as she stood in the doorway, her hand on the knob.

“I want you to come to my place tonight. I’ll make us dinner and then we’ll talk. We have to talk.”

Mulder swallowed, “Okay, Scully.”

Scully’s apartment

6:30pm

Scully had decided to make braised steak with pearl onions and she’d done some herb dusted red potatoes and carrots, a tossed salad and dessert - Caramel Cashew Ice Cream would complete their meal. At least they’d have a good meal… before things possibly changed between them forever - she was pretty sure they already had.

She went into her bedroom and began to change into the dress she’d purchased last year on a whim. It was a beautiful green darker than kelly green, but not quite emerald. It was silky soft and it caressed her skin, flowing over her like water, the hem rested just above her knees. The dress had a little bit of flirtiness to it, Scully spun in a circle and watched it flare out. She felt sensual, feminine, she’d purchased a matching bra and panties to wear with it, but after seeing how it ruined the smooth lines of the dress she made the choice to go without.

Would Mulder notice?

Looking in the mirror the memories twirled into her consciousness the same way her green skirt had just moments ago. She’d driven Ed back to his apartment and he’d invited her up, there was a weather advisory out, but nothing she hadn’t dealt with before. There wasn’t any need for her to stay at his apartment other than the attraction she felt - or thought she felt.

“Look, the weather and a few drinks under your belt … I’d feel better if you stayed here. Hey, I’m not up to anything. I just want you to be safe. I’ll take the couch. That tattoo hurt at all?”

“Yeah, um…. it feels weird. I, uh, I can’t see it and….. but I feel different. It’s like, um, I don’t know how I feel about that.” Scully can’t explain it, it’s tingling or sparking, her skin - she imagines Mulder tracing it with his fingers. She shakes her head slightly as her shirt rises and Ed pulls the bandage away.

“It looks all right.”

Scully remembers seeing the blood on his shirt cuff and suddenly she wants his shirt off, there’s blood higher up on the sleeve too - words pass both of their lips - she’s already started down this path of being dangerous - reckless. How far will she go?

His hold on her wrists are actually beginning to hurt, so tight - she’s pretty sure she’ll have bruises. He’s leaning in and their lips are so close to touching. She takes a breath… Mulder hasn’t kissed her yet, he didn’t even kiss her when she came apart in his arms. Scully turns her head away, “No,” is barely a whisper.

Ed lets go of one of her wrists and slams his door closed before spinning Scully around and pressing her against the door, he quickly pulls her shirt over her head and drops it to the floor beside them. “Ed?” Scully’s voice is deserting her, any arousal ebbing by the time Ed has secured both her wrists in one of his - holding them above the door. His other hand is wandering, her buttock, her hip, her stomach, before cupping a breast - his touch is rough bordering on pain when he pinches her nipple.

She’s been held against her will too many times and she isn’t going to let this be another. He’s released her arms and the position he takes with her body … oh it’s Mulder, the way Mulder had held her just before seducing her with movement and silence. She hadn’t felt trapped in his arms - it was simply Mulder…. but Ed is not Mulder.

“Ed? …  stop.” She asks him firmly and he does. Stepping away. “I’m sorry,” he replies. Scully bends down and grabs her top holding it in front of her. Now that the moment is over, she’s a little self conscious standing in a stranger’s apartment…this is not something she would normally do. Never. She’d never done it.

“I’ll … Just a minute …” Ed disappears down the hallway, he returns with a blanket, pillow which he tosses on his couch and he hands her one of his dress shirts. “I thought you could … wear it to .. sleep in- you know the weather’s still…”

Things are awkward now. Scully turns and dons the shirt it’s so long down to her knees, it covers and conceals her. Ed sits on the couch and Scully wanders over to his desk and picks up the photo with his face burned out and sits on the desk chair. He’s watching her and there is a sudden sadness in his eyes, a melancholy that’s deep beneath the surface. “Tell me about them…” Scully softly asks.

Ed shakes his head no, but then begins speaking of his children, his divorce and his ever spiraling downward life since. At some point he stretches out, his head on the pillow, he’d smiled at times and others he cried until his voice faded and he fell asleep. Scully covered him with the blanket and went into the bedroom, she didn’t think she was in any danger, but her instincts prevailed and after shutting the door a chair was shoved under the knob firmly.

She woke to knocking, Philly PD and the day went to hell. She didn’t want to think about it anymore, tonight was hopefully about new beginnings, adding another layer to the partnership between them. Scully was ready to take that step and if she’d read the signs right - so was Mulder. Scully could swear she felt his presence before he knocked and then the steady rapping sound happened - he was here.

Mulder was here.

Scully answered the door. “Hey, Scu…” She knew Mulder noticed as his eyes travelled the length of her body, before meeting her eyes. “You, you look… beautiful.” Scully could feel her cheeks heating even though it was just the reaction she’d been hoping for.

Mulder was still standing in her doorway staring at her, he was holding 3 bottles of wine. “Are you going to come in, Mulder?” Nodding almost dumbly he stepped inside and Scully shut the door. Mulder couldn’t seem to take his eyes off her. “I, I brought … well I didn’t know which wine would go with dinner.”

Scully reached out to take one bottle in her hand, Vecchia Cantina Chianti, a lovely red wine. Scully smiles and takes it to the counter, Mulder is still standing holding the other 2 bottles, she can feel his eyes following her. Mulder is sweating, he’s uncharacteristically nervous, yet so aroused he can feel a distinct stirring in his groin. Why does he have more apprehension than his first date? Then again his first date hadn’t been wearing anything like the silky confection Scully was wearing now. She walked back over to him and takes the other bottles out of his arms, still smiling her hips swaying as placed those bottles beside the other.

Mulder’s eyes are still roving over her dress, silky, smooth… he fists his hands, stifling a groan. Jesus is, is she naked under that liquid green? Scully has already grabbed a corkscrew out of a drawer and then opens the cupboard above her head, she glances coyly over her shoulder. “Mulder would you get a couple of wine goblets? They’re on the top shelf.” Scully was pointing and she’d just been stretched on tip toe a moment ago… Holy Hell! She’s in her bare feet and her toenails are painted this girly pink shade like cotton candy - he’d always loved cotton candy as a boy.

“Mulder?” Mulder takes a deep breath and swallows, “Uh… yes.” He clears his throat as he walks forward, Scully is right in front of him as he reaches for the goblets. Oh this was a bad… bad idea…

Standing outside Scully’s door, in the hallway Mulder could smell whatever she was cooking and it smelled delicious. Now though, standing with Scully trapped between his body and the counter all he smells is her. All he feels as he presses closer is every dip and curve of her body, Scully hisses his name, “Mulder…” and the goblets are forgotten, she tilts her head back and Mulder’s head descends sealing their lips together for the first time.

Mulder’s hands aren’t idle immediately going for her breasts, neglected the last time they were in this position . Oh God! His hands completely cover them, his plucking and squeezing her nipple through the silk is devine and she can’t be idle any longer. Scully reaches back with the dexterity only a doctor would have unbuckles and unzips Mulders jeans, and has his erection freed from the confines. Her fingertips are tickling, delicately stroking his length, he feels ready to burst, he groans and pulls away from the enticement of her lips.

Mulder keeps getting drawn back to those lips even as he manages to speak, “Um… Scu - ly …” One of her hands is fisted around his cock, slowly pumping - if she doesn’t stop… “Bed … Bedroom?”

Scully pulls away from his lips both of them are breathing heavily and Scully gives a slight shake of her head, “No… right here … right now.” Scully kisses him again and starts guiding his cock forward and tilting her ass her very naked ass upward just the slightest bit- which is all the encouragement Mulder needs.

Mulder takes a step back, gently grasping her wrists - for a moment he remembers the bruised ringing them - and placing them on the edge of the counter. He suddenly doesn’t know if he can, he didn’t bring a condom - he wasn’t expecting this to happen. The thought of another man touching her… even as his inner dialogue is speaking his hands are still busy one from behind spreading her wetness all around, finger dipping in and out. The other plucking, lightly stroking and then deeply grinding her clitoris until she screams out. “MULDER!”

Scully is panting, still shaking from her release and Mulder’s hands have now trailed up to ther hips, gripping and sliding that silky dress above her waist his eyes zeroing in on that snake circling her back. His erection hasn’t waned even viewing the imprinted fact of her indiscretion, he slowly traces the mark with his fingertip and Scully moans, “Oh God…touch me, touch it Mulder…touch…”

Mulder placed his whole palm over it, Scully moaned again, Mulder began kneading the skin watch and listening for her reaction, she arches in ecstasy. “Why… Scully…?” Scully can hear the pain in his voice even as he continues stroking her back, the other hand is traversing a breast to clit journey over and over and Scully is quickly climbing towards another orgasm. But it feels like Mulder isn’t really there with her and she wants him to be.

Suddenly she feels him licking and biting her back it feels like he’s trying to eat the tattoo off her back and he pinches her clit and grinds at the same time and she explodes screaming out, “I didn’t do it! Mulder! I didn’t fuck him…”

He’s holding her hips firmly one second and the next she looks over her shoulder and sees him flex his knees slightly one hand around his erection, prodding her entrance “Good,” he groans out and finally pushes steadily into her. “Oh God…” they both moan out, Scully drops her head to the counter as Mulder begins thrusting inside of her. She feels every inch of him, amazingly she feels the pressure building again, but it’s deeper with his fullness inside of her.

Five or six more quick whip-like pistons in and out of her and she comes again, Mulder moments after. They both feel boneless, wrung out and sweaty, chests heaving from their exertions. He slips out of her and she turns in his arms, glancing to his penis slowly going flaccid he’s still an impressive male specimen. They gently kiss and pull each other into an embrace, hugging each other tightly. “Scully… I never… I wasn’t expecting. You know … this.” Mulder mumbles into her hair.

“I was hoping you liked my dress…” she looks up at him with a knowing smile. “I think that was obvious.” Mulder’s stomach growled and Scully chuckled. “Let’s eat Mulder.” Mulder kisses her forehead, the tip of her nose and finally her lips again. “I’d like that Scully.”

Later after eating and clearing up the table, Scully grabs her glass of wine and Mulder’s hand leading them into her bedroom. He has his own glass as well and he takes a sip before sharing that sip with her lips. Their mutual desire is rising from the embers, Mulder reaches down and lifts the dress off Scully. She stands before him naked all creamy rose skin he smiles and drops to the bed pulling her between his legs.

“Why are you smiling?” In response Mulder took a nipple into his mouth, Scully gasped. He let that nipple pop out of his mouth and raised his glass pouring the wine over the sister nipple before engulfing it in his mouth. Some of the wine had drizzled down, down and Mulder chased it with his lips and tongue. “Such pretty little nipples… the color of Rose wine…” he murmured against her stomach, causing sensual flutters down low. “Stand up, Mulder.” Scully breathlessly demands, she quickly divests Mulder of his clothes and pushes him back on the bed, he’s already hard and she settles over him her body moving sinuously, his hands running over her skin rough and soft.

They make love through the night, but when the dawn’s sun breaks through her windows Mulder is not in her bed. She throws on a robe and pads out to the kitchen and he isn’t there either. On her coffee table is her journal she sometimes writes in its open to an entry and the sentence stares up at her damning her.

“I made myself a promise after Jack, never again, would I involve myself with a co-worker… never again.”

And below it in Mulder’s script. “Okay, Scully.”

Closing the journal with a slam she hurls the offending object across the room and curls into a ball on her couch… what has she done?

End

Note: I hope everyone enjoyed the ride and I want to thank everyone for their comments and reblogs about this 4 part series. If you wanted tagged and I missed you I apologize ahead of time and vice versa if you didn’t. I’m going to take a little break and read some of the great fanfic by much more talented authors than I while I’ve been missing out on while working on this series. Thank goodness I don’t have to watch this ep again.

@cultureisdarkbeer @today-in-fic @patienceaintmystrongsuit @skullsmuldon @tulpa51 @baronessblixen @monikafilefan @itotallygazeatscully @mtbsuze @country3living @season4mulder @ficoritdidnthappen @monaiargancoconutsoy @starbuck1013 @peggyfromtheblockk @mulder-x-scully @sandymans-world @piper-scully @alienbaby-babymama @peacenik0

[gabbylight]

After going to a recommended psych evaluation from both my parents and Dom. I learned many things in my previous relationship, it was an eye opener. For nearly an hour of going through my IPad and looking up at everything and showing them everything. It’s safely to say that I wasn’t wrong with everything. So I’m never going to let my feelings slide again and ignore the disrespectfulness in the first three months. Those were the eye openers for a prelude of many unfortunate events

My therapist told me the honest truth that I was in a toxic relationship and with the constant arguments it made me believe that I was a bad person and in a way it broke me. Yes there were the liking the girls pictures and saving them. Which one out of the two are normal/abnormal before I explained my reasoning behind them and then the lying which she told me it was a defensive mechanism so it can stop the constant belittling.

Then I explained in great details of how everything went to shit afterwards. Plus with the random interruptions which will be labeled with the ** and everything will be a summary

We were happy once, for two years I was happy with someone even though they were far away from me.

** “You were happy Ben? Even though the arguments were happening a lot?”

I was quiet and I had no idea how to answer it but I did said I was happy.

And the lady wrote some shit down. And said, “even though she changed your contact name to that College level, you still think you were in love? Or when she put you down regarding about your educational level?”

I had no idea how to answer that also

Then she said, “ Ben you do know that she’s trying to break you? No girl or guy out in this world deserves that. You may love her but is that love?”

Then I guess I said something like this. “I too have no excuse for calling her a cunt then.”

She already knows that but just said, “at least you understood that it’s wrong for saying that but continue.” **

So we were happy once, everything was going smoothly, a girl I loved also loves me back. But then when NYC happened when she moved things went south.

** her: this is when you started too talk to Dom?

Me: yes and no, I didn’t talk too dom till July but she was insignificant to the atory but this was when I noticed my ex didjt talk too me a lot anymore. And I started to get irritable and this is when I stopped going too school. I was about to graduate but my stupidity opted to my feelings.

Her: so this is where the decline start, when did the dom thing happened

Me: mid November? I started too talk to her more because my ex was busy talking to her coworkers and roommates and I became unimportant to her till she needed me as an alarm clock for her naps. Sure we played games here and there but out of the 7 days of the week well talk less than 10hours out of the 168 hrs of the week. But if we include the arguments it’s a +5 hours added.. and those were the only times we talked the most.

So yeah dom didn’t become a thing yet till 2018 of November and it escalated when I typed flirting instead of fighting when my ex invaded my provaxy once again.

Her: here’s the big question, were you cheating?

Me: I never had cheated in my entire life, and if that includes if I liked her? No that’s later on when we broke up.

Her: so the issue is this: Dom. Because I can tell from your text it became a relevant issue till the end of the break up. And why is that?

Me; I kept looking at her shit even though she’s blocked and why it’s because jealous. How come she’s having fun with her life and im over miserable dating this fucked up girl? Always accusing me I’m going to cheat on her or fuck another girl. And then always saying let’s break up I don’t want to be here

Her: your ex, is highly insecure and lacks the emotional support

Me: I GAVE HER EVERYTHING AND I TOLD HER THIS I CAN DO SO MYCH. I can comfort you but at the end of the day I can do so much

Her: and you are right, ang sane person would say the same. You can do so much to help someone buy at the end of the end it’s up to them to help themselves. You down stuff that wasn’t right but you were a good person with a wrong the girl.

Excuse me for being rash but from reading your text, both your mom and Dom’s talk your ex was manipulative, distruptive and unstable. She manipulated you too think that it’s all your fault when in truth there are things you hadn’t down yet. And as a women, I would be mad if my husband likes other girls BUT unlike your ex I’m not clouded with ignorance. Nobody in this world is perfect Benjamin but I know there are times my husband will look at girls and see them attractive and ik you did the same. But yes she’s manipulated you and many others to make herself the victim of all of this.

She’s disrupted because she’s always starting arguments when it’s not needed which connects to my last point. Unstable; she didn’t trust Ben, she never trusted you to begin with. Ever since her first BF it carried over to the next two BF’s and then finally you.

I understand you did stuff Ben, but the thing is. You were in very toxic relationship, both her and her parents couldn’t see eye to eye with you and they saw you as a threat. A threat just because you were trying to save the relationship. I agree that lying is disheartening but in your shoes I can’t blame you anymore. And the times you lash? Again samething but you had no one listening to you.

So if you are telling the whole true which I can tell you are because you have been taking notes since 2015, your ex is a very aggressive and delusional girl. And only cares for her well being

You need to understand taht Ben, you loved her yes but is that really love? A girl who showed her true self and ignorantly ignored any signs of your irritation?

Me: ik i was crying because she’s right, I did loved her but at what cost? I loved a girl who couldn’t see eye to eye with me, who couldn’t be nice to me. Who couldn’t comfort me when I needed it, ik I’m a guy and we need to macho up but there’s so much shit I can handle. I was stressing out for 4 years and those 4 years I finally snapped August and I had that chance to end that relationship and I was close but at the end Mrs. Nylund, my love blinded me.

There were numerous times I wanted to break up, with her. Year 3 I wanted to end it, I was getting tired of it. Because apparently to her, Arguing is normal in a relationship. And I wished I done it.

But I learned my mistakes, she was a psychopath with cold attitude.

**

So we talked and talked for awhile and I have been going to counseling for sometime now and I’m somewhat getting better. But Mrs. Nylund always reminds me this , “you’re a smart man, with a strong heart. Don’t let her friends, her sisters and herself think otherwise. They don’t know the bigger picture and they should be a shame of themselves for not hearing your issues. You have been fighting alone for so long, and I’m glad that you’re getting better now.”

So yeah for a month now, every Wednesday evenings I’ll go to counseling and talk it out and today will be my last day. It was rough at first talking because I felt like I was lying to her, just like how I was telling tet everything but as time went on I understood what she meant about manipulating me.

I finally got my closure in a certain way and I’m glad that I went

It was an eye opener, Lia was my first experience of love but not the type that anyone wanted. I can’t say I hate her or dislike her because I spoke the truth, you’re gling to dig this relationship too the ground but She’s not the only one way to blame. But she’ll never understand, her mental state is one dimensional, so she can’t grasp what others think.

So yeah I learned enough of this relationship, she wasn’t ready to be committed to date again and she was unstable to do so. But I also learned that despite the ugliness, I came to appreciate someone loving me back.

[daisyxbuckley]

Madness Chapter 7

Description: Calliope Kane never meant to get caught. But when she did she was sent to the ground to help The 100. Now that she’s here, will she survive?

@cxddlyash

Masterlist Here 

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"My friends, this is a historic Unity Day. Every year, we mark the moment our ancestors of the twelve stations joined to form the Ark, but this is the last time we do so while aboard her. Next year, on the ground."

Jaha's speech was something that was a little different this year. And though Callie understood what he was saying, she still felt unease in the pit of her stomach.

"Right. After we did all the work." Miller yelled at the screen. Callie rolled her eyes as Raven shot a look at him.

"Shut it Miller. No one is making you watch this." Callie laughed at the look the boy face back to her and looked back to the screen. Feeling someone come stand next to her, Callie smiled as she reached her hand back slightly and brushed it against Bellamy's. Ever since that day at the bunker there was an unspoken bond between them. Nothing to serious, but enough that the pain of the last few years had started healing.

Noticing the screen cut to black, Callie chewed on her lip as she tried to push back the bad feeling in the pit of her stomach. The feeling quickly vanished when Jasper stood up in front of everyone with a smile on his face.

"Yeah! Monty strikes again!" He said looking down at people. Callie laughed as he handed her a class. "We call this Monty's unity juice. Drink up everyone, let's party!" He said yelling as he ran off into the crowd.

Callie took a sip and almost choked. "Wow. Yeah, that will mess you up bad." She said holding the cup out to Bellamy. He took it from her hands and sniffed it before taking a drink. "It's enough to peel paint off the walls that's for sure." He said as she laughed.

Clarke came and stood next to them with a worried look on her face. She declined the cup when Bellamy handed it to her and he had to laugh a bit.

"Do you really think now is a good time to be having a party? I mean, the Grounder is out there" she said staring at the two.

"Grounders. By now, he's made it home. He's probably putting together a lynch mob. Relax. I got security covered. Why don't you go get a drink? You look like you could use one."

Clarke scoffed at Bellamy as she watched Callie take a sip and scrunch her face "I could use more than one." She said as she crossed her arms. The redhead shot a smile back and gestured to the drop ship.

"Then have more than one. Clarke, the Exodus ship carrying our parents comes down here in two days. After that, the party's over. Have some fun while you still can. You deserve it." Callie said shrugging. Taking the cup, the older girl started walking over to the drop ship when something caught her eye.

Octavia was quickly making her way over to the back of the fence, glancing around her and slipping through. Sighing, Callie looked over to where Bellamy was talking with Clarke and knew that he hadn't seen the young girl. Feeling eyes on her, Callie looked over at Finn who had just witnessed what she had. Throwing the drink back, the redhead nodded her head as he got up and followed her to the hole.

———————————————————

They walked in silence for a bit. Callie was thankful as the buzz from Monty's moonshine was still strong, and though she felt good she knew that it took everything extra to keep her alert.

"So where do you think she's going?" Finn asked finally breaking the silence between them. Callie just shrugged as she moved some branches out of the way.

"No clue. But my best bet would be somewhere with that Grounder that tried to kill you." Finn looked at her with a strange look when she said that. "Hey, he tried to kill you too remember." He said.

Callie threw her head back and laughed. "Actually he just nicked me. So i died twice. Oh well." Finn shook his head as he tried to hide a smile. It was true what they said about Calliope Kane. Her laugh was infectious.

"So what's going on with you, Raven and Clarke?" Callie asked casually. Noticing Finns look of shock she stopped and put her hands up. "Hey, Clarke is my roommate and Raven is a friend. I'm just asking because I don't think it's fair to any of you to do this."

Finn shook his head at her as he turned around. "There isn't anything going on. Ravens my girlfriend, Clarke is a friend." Callie had to stifle a laugh because even a blind man could see there was something going on there. It was like some fucked up love triangle that Callie was happy she had no part in.

Before she could say anything though, Finn stopped right in front of her almost causing Callie to run into him. "What's up?" She whispered. His hand pointed to a clearing ahead and her eyes followed it. Standing there was Octavia  and the Grounder. He looked like he was standing over her, but Callie could see the soft smile she had on her face.

Finn however did not and he stormed through the bushes right at the man. The harmonized yells from BOTH girls caused them to look at each other but didn't stop the boy.

"Lincoln! Wait he's my friend!" Octavia yelled as she ran towards the two. Trying to pull the man from Finn, Callie ran over and helped her free them. Pushing Finn behind her, she looked at Octavia. The way they were protecting each other she could tell that there was some kind of relationship there.

Oh yeah. Bellamy would definitely not be happy about that.

"What are you guys doing here?" Octavia asked as things calmed down.

Finn stepped back still keeping his eyes on Lincoln "I could ask you the same thing. I could also ask how long you've known he speaks English, but I won't." Finn held up the horn as Callie casted a look of knowing at Octavia. "You blew this when your people were hunting us. You saved our lives. I have to believe there's more like you."

Lincoln had a flash of confusion go across his face before he ended up hiding it. "I stabbed you. And I almost killed you as well with the poison."

Callie shook her head with a small smile. "Yeah and we tortured you. If the three of us can get along, then maybe there's hope. Learn from history instead of repeating it, right?" She said shrugging her shoulders.

"How's that going to happen?" Lincoln asked. His posture relaxed a bit and Callie knew they were getting to him.  Turning to Octavia she let the guys talk as she pulled her aside.

"So I take it your brother has no clue what's going on?" The redhead asked her with a small smile. Octavia shook her head as she looked over at Finn and Lincoln talking.

"I know he thinks it's his job to protect me, but I'm a big girl. And Lincoln is just....he gets me you know?" Octavia said shrugging her shoulders. "It's almost that kind of friendship that you and Bellamy had."

"Oh you mean before we found out about you and my dad had to float your mom?" Callie said laughing a bit. "Look O, you know I love you but you need to tell him otherwise it could blow up in everyone's faces. I promise he didn't mean what he said the night of the storm."

Before Callie could get anything else out, the boys started coming closer. "Alright. You bring your leader and I'll bring mine." Lincoln said shaking hands with Finn.

"Who, Bellamy? No way, he would never go for this." Octavia said. Lincoln shook his head as his eyes landed on Callie.

"No. I want you." He said pointing a finger at Callie. "And the other one."

"Clarke" Callie said slowly. "Okay, it's a deal. Let's just hope that everything goes correctly." She said walking over to stand next to Lincoln.

"How about you start teaching me some of your language."

——————————————————————

Callie stayed behind with Lincoln and Octavia, learning what little she could in the short time span while Finn went and grabbed the others. To say that she was freaking the hell out was an understatement. But Callie knew that a good way to get on the commanders good side was to try and show her willingness to learn.

Looking up, the redhead closed the book that Lincoln had given her that had common phrases. She put it in her back pocket as she went to stand next to Octavia. Finn and Clarke came through the trees followed by Jasper, Raven and Bellamy. Callie cursed to herself when she saw him trailing behind but stopped when he shot her a look of confusion.

"Okay. Lincoln said that the Commander wanted to meet on that bridge over there. She only wants Clarke and I." Callie said avoiding Bellamy's eyes. "No weapons. Just us. Now we are sure she will have archers in the woods so you guys will hang back here just in case. Do not engage." The redhead said while sweeping her hair up in a ponytail. "This is for peace. If this doesn't go well we are going to have a war on our hands."

Clarke couldn't tear her eyes from the scene in front of her but Callie held her hand up. "There will be plenty of time to explain later I promised."

Before she could say anything else, Clarke's eyes snapped to the side of her. "Look. Horses." She said as Callie looked as well.

"Hey we said no weapons!" Finn said pushing forward. Lincoln looked just as shocked as the rest of them when they looked back at them. "I assumed that they were sticking with it."

Callie sighed and started forward grabbing Clarke's hand. Finn tried to go with when Lincoln held his arm out. "They go alone." Clarke looked at him and gave a warm smile as she walked with Callie.

"We will be fine." She said. Famous last words the redhead thought.

The girls walked up to the bridge and met the woman sitting on the horse in the middle. Her eyes bore into the two as Callie stared back. She could tell Clarke was just as nervous but she didn't show it.

"So. You are Calliope and Clarke?" The woman asked. Nodding the girls looked at each other not sure what else to say.

"I'm Anya."

"I think we got off to a rough start, but we want to find a way to live together in peace." Clarke said speaking slowly but firmly. Callie hung back letting her do her thing.

"I see. You started a war that you don't know how to end" Anya said tipping her head slightly to the side.

"What? No. We didn't start anything. You attacked us for no reason." Clarke said defensively. Callie knew that there had to be something else. Besides Lincoln this was the first time they had been around grounders that weren't trying to kill them.

"No reason? Those missiles you launched burned a city to the ground." Anya said, her tone rising as Callie could feel the tension.

"Heda. Those missiles were flares. We were trying to save our people by having them know we were here. We didn't realize they had hit a village as well." Callie said stepping forward as she held her hands up. Anya looked surprised that Callie had used their word and the redhead hoped it would play in their favor.

"When we landed, we thought the ground was uninhabited. If we knew that Trikru was here, then we would of done everything different." She said.

"You know our words, and you use them?" Anya asked quietly. Callie nodded as she looked back at Clarke. "I figured that the first place we could start was see everything from the other side."  Callie hoped that she saw Anya starting to soften, but just as quickly as it came it was gone.

"You knew we were here when you sent an armed raiding party to capture one of us and torture them. All of these have been acts of war." Anya said getting huffy again.

"I see your point. That's why we need to put an end to all of this." Callie said firmly. It was now or never.

"How can you promise that when the others land, that they will honor our agreement?" Anya said with a stern look on her face. Callie shrugged as Clarke opened her mouth to speak.

"We don't. But if we can get something set in stone then it will help. Because if you shoot that first shot, our technology will wipe you out." The blonde said carefully.

Anya laughed humorously at the two girls and Callie started wondering how bad this was going to go. Before she could try and bring the conversation back to understanding all hell broke loose.

She heard Jasper before she saw him. Heard the gunshots as everyone ducked and ran for cover. Callie grabbed Clarke by the arm and pulled her down and out of the way. Anya reared her horse and started yelling orders, putting her hateful gaze on the two.

"Get them!" She yelled in Trig and Callie's eyes went wide as she jumped to her feet and started running with Clarke. Finn and Lincoln were running towards the girls when Lincoln was hit with an arrow. Octavia screamed his name as he went down.

"Take them. Run!" He yelled as Bellamy had his arm around his sisters waist. Callie was helping Clarke get her footing as she passed her off to Finn. Callie turned back to Lincoln as she tried to help him up and dodge the arrows that were getting closer.

Shaking her off, the man pushed her ahead. "You are out of your damn mind if you think I'm leaving you." Callie huffed as she tried to go back. "No. You need to go or you're all going to die. Go!" He yelled. Callie gave him one last look before turning and following the others into the woods.

————————————————-

Getting back to camp, Callie reared around and looked at the group. Finn and Bellamy were already going at it, Octavia was enraged and Clarke was trying to calm her down. Jasper looked like he saw a ghost and Raven was just looking at Callie with a tired look on her face.

"You're lucky that i brought them! They came there to kill you guys." Bellamy yelled. Callie ran her hands over her face and screamed.

"STOP!  We had it handled Bellamy. Jasper fired the first shot, I'm sorry but he shouldn't of come." The redhead said looking at them.

"You ruin everything!" Octavia yelled before stomping off from the dropship. Jasper looked hurt as he watched her go "I saved you. You're welcome." He yelled.

Callie looked at Bellamy and sighed. "Well, if we weren't at war already, we sure as hell are now. You didn't have to trust the Grounders. You just had to trust me." She said quietly.

Before he could say anything there was an explosion in the sky as a ship was making its way to the earth.

"The exodus ship? Your parents are early." Bellamy said looking at the two girls. Clarke stepped forward and shook her head.

"No parachute, too fast....something's wrong." Clarke breathed as she gripped Callie's hand. Before they could register it, the ship crashed into the mountain exploding into bits. It was like the air just left Callie's body as she felt Clarke collapse to the ground next to her. No, their parents weren't dead. They couldn't be.

Bellamy shot a horrified look that she met as she kneeled down and held the blonde girl as they mourned.

[quagmireisadora]

Hi, once i heard a odd/hilarious convo between a couple which went something like this: "Boy: I don't know how to love you anymore. Girl: But you know how to fuck me." Can you write an onho or your choice of ship for this?? Thank you. I'm srsly happy that you have started to write again. :)))

Warning: aromantic characterA/N: I’m sorry it took so long for me to post this. I hope you’re still around, and I hope you like what I could make of this prompt ^^

The dome was new, brightly lit and shining with what natural illumination they could arrange in this part of the universe. The plantation domes of Ganymede were a blinding star in the constellation of human ambition. So much so, that when their success reached the ears of those who held power in their hands, it became another thing to fight over. Ships from Earth and Mars had arrived in hordes to see for themselves if the new source of food was real and easy to dominate. Just as she looked on, Minjung could make out the shapes of a dozen or so UN officials just outside the dome. 

She had never seen so many people on this station before. Then again, she had never left this station before. All her life had been spent working in the farms and gardens of Ganymede. She had applied her expertise in botany to help multiply the number of domes from one to a dozen within an unexpectedly short span of time. Under her leadership, the colony had been willing to take risks growing a large number of plants they were sure would fail to grow in the harsh artificial environment - and then those plants had flowered, produced healthy fruit. These plantations were her life, and she protected them like a mother would her child. Of course, this meant she had made no time for a family and at the age of thirty-one, was left all alone in the bargain. She knew what the other Belters called her, even if they never said it to her face. She knew the hideous label she was given in these parts.

As if he’d read her thoughts, Lee Jinki walked up to her from wherever he’d been lurking. “So the peace wasn’t meant to last, after all.”

“It shouldn’t bother you,” she said without giving him the respect of eye contact. “You’ve always wanted to lick the Inners’ boots.” 

“Minjunggie, please…” the other entreated. 

Some kind of argument had ensued between the visitors from UN and the Martians. Maybe they couldn’t reach an agreement on who gets to go in first. She decided to pay them no more attention, there was a lot of work to do.

“I’m busy, Jinki,” she started to walk away.

“Listen, I really…” he tried to keep up with her as she weaved through the rows and shelves of plants. “Hey, listen to me–” the frustration in his voice only made her want to move farther and farther away. She passed a few colleagues from her team and waved to them, rushing towards the lifts. “Yah, Choi Minjung!” she heard Jinki yell after her.

When she’d punched in the floor number, and the doors of the lift car begun sliding shut, she saw the man standing a few feet away. Arms rising to the back of his head in frustration, he mouthed a curse before disappearing from her sight. It was only when she was alone in the lift that she allowed her body to slump tiredly to a side. 

Jinki had always been perfect. His wide smile, his careful words, his handsome face… he had come into her life quietly; working his way up the ladder of grain farmers, slowly gaining enough trust and support to be named the new representative of Dome G. Unlike his predecessors, he was sympathetic to the needs of the community, and he always liked scientific input into produce improvement. Minjung had been impressed by his self-possessed demeanor. She liked the way he thought, liked the way he functioned. And so when plans for a new dome were discussed, she’d invited him on-board to help.

He’d worked hard to earn her trust. Then he’d charmed his way into her bed. And she allowed him to do it because Jinki had made her feel like she’d never felt before. He had held her face with his gaze, held her hips with his rough fingers, held her heart in his chest. She’d allowed him into her life, because under the broad shoulders and the sculpted chest and the muscled arms, he was gentle. Behind the sharp amber eyes and the truthful tongue, he was saccharine. And Minjung wanted him.

But like any other relationship in her life, it hadn’t lasted.

Jinki wanted to move to Mars, to help with their terra-forming efforts. He wanted to be part of that absolute and focused regime, bent on surpassing Earth no matter what the cost. He wanted to be a cog in a larger wheel, one that turned forwards instead of “spinning in the same place”, as he considered the Jupiter stations to be. Minjung had listened to his dreams. She’d smiled at them and encouraged him to chase them. But she’d declined the offer to join him, despite his attempts at convincing her, despite his begging and pleading.

Because Minjung wanted none of that.

She made her rounds of the control rooms and checked the outputs to each sector. They liked to maintain Earth gravity in the dome environments because it helped grow the larger plants and trees better. It also helped with medical care. She checked the seedlings in a large tank, she poked through the germination pans, she asked after the air filtration systems. One of the head technicians greeted her and gave her a quick report on the new dome.

“Everything’s running perfectly,” he summarized. “Even better than G, which is saying something.” It was. The support systems in dome G had been altered for growing wheat and barley. After the first failed crop, Jinki had brought what seeds he could salvage of the disaster to the botanists’ labs on the top level. It had revealed the atmospheric problems they hadn’t accounted for. And that’s when they’d decided to seal the agricultural dome from the rest, increasing the temperature and reducing the humidity to mimic a more temperate climate. A long trip to the shipyards on Callisto, and a very expensive systems upgrade later, they were able to grow healthy crops to feed the entire population of Ganymede and then some.

“Thank you for your hard work,” she replied to technical staff with a smile. Her next destination was the clinic, where she had to meet with the doctors about–

“You’ve now avoided me for a full 2 months,” Jinki informed her when she exited the control room. He stood calmly leaning against the opposite wall, hallway lights making deep shadows on his face.

“You’ve now earned the right to be tasered,” Minjung threatened before she walked away once more.

“This is so childish,” he muttered after her, disdainfully. She stopped and turned around to give him a look, but she had nothing more to say to him. He slowly made his way to her. “I just want to talk. And you won’t even give me that?”

She squared herself to face him. “OK,” she folded her arms. “Talk.”

He looked at her, wordlessly pleading. “Not here,” he touched her elbow, and instead of jerking away from the action, she felt the urge to lean into it. “Not like this. Let me… let me visit you tonight,” his tone was sweet, dripping with affection, a little dizzying: the way it sounded when he spoke while still moving inside her. “Let me come see you. I’ll even bring a gift.”

“I finish my rounds at 1700,” was all she offered.

——

“Do you remember the day we met for the first time?” he asked her. She didn’t say anything so he went on. “You were standing next to the fountains in sector 4. Dome F–do you remember?” he nudged again from the distance.

They sat across the cabin from each other, several feet apart. “Hmm,” she acknowledged from her own perch on the window sill.

“You told me about your family. About how you only remembered the days you went to bed hungry, and there was always some kind of sickness around you,” Jinki reminded her. “I told you about my mother. How she would starve so I could eat. Do you remember what you said when you heard that?”

Minjung didn’t answer for a few minutes, looking out at the large solar reflectors in the horizon. “I said I never wanted a single person to ever feel hungry again,” she replied with residual determination from the memory of that day. “I said I would spend my life making sure of it.”

“And you have,” he assured her. An admiring smile played on his lips. He got up and walked to her, closing the distance between them and crouching by her knees. “You are, by far, the most brilliant person I have ever met in my life,” he said it less as a compliment and more as a fact.

She watched him; watched the sincerity play on the corners of his smile, pulling it into an even wider smile. Months ago she would’ve melted into that look. Months ago she would’ve leaned their foreheads together until all she could see of the world was the glint in Jinki’s eyes. 

“I asked you this before, I know,” he continued. “But imagine what you could do for a place like Mars. Imagine! They would… they would flourish!” he let out a small chuckle. “Imagine how much you could achieve if you had their technology and their willpower behind you.”

“So all you wanted, all of those times,” Minjung started. “When you came here, when you spent all that time with me, when you got in bed with me and stayed till you ‘really couldn’t stay’,” she made quotes in the air like she was mocking him “All those times. You were recruiting me to the MCRN. I mean, you’re doing it now--!” she spoke to his denial.

“No. No,” he pulled away, smile fading as if to say here we go again. “I already told you, no. That’s not what I was doing. I already said that–that I really felt happy with you.”

“And that’s it?” she demanded.

He sighed stood up to move away from her again. “What do you want me to say?” he frowned, holding out his hands like he was trying to prove they were empty. He had nothing. “You want me to say I love you? Because that would be a lie. I can’t say that. I don’t think I can love you. Or any–”

“But you know how to fuck me,” she challenged, her voice rising with her anger. “Don’t you? You knew how to play with me, isn’t it? All those times you took me out on your ship,” she grated. “All those times you wanted your shitty fantasies of fucking in zero G. All of those times, you were just laughing at me. Weren’t you?” she nodded in question.

“How can you even say that?!” he asked incredulously.

“What else can I call it?!” she shot up from her seat.

He breathed, evenly at first, then deep. “Is that all I was to you?” There was hurt in his expression. “Just someone to fuck? Did we mean nothing more than that to you?” His tone was no higher than a whisper, flooded with echoes of past disappointments. “Is that all you got from me?”

Minjung looked at him in disbelief. “You’re joking.”

“No,” he shook his head. “No, tell me. Tell me how worthless it was to spend time with me. Tell me how I gave you nothing,” he hissed. “Tell me how the idea of us going away from this... fucking dead-end of a place would’ve been more nothing!” he gestured wildly. “Say it! That’s what you felt all those months, isn’t it?”

“I wanted a family with you!” she shouted, then ran her fingers through her hair.  

Jinki was dumbstruck. “A... a what?” he faltered.

She walked in a circle of frustration around the room before jumping close to him, pointing a finger at his chest. “I wanted to spend my life with you!” she spat. “I wanted us to have children! How did…” she held a palm to her forehead. “How did you never realize that?”

He walked backwards, until his calves met with a ledge where he sat down heavily, all the while staring at her.

With the distance reestablished between them, Minjung slumped a little where she stood. “You were the best,” she admitted tiredly. “Being with you, every second of it, was the absolute fucking best,” she felt the despondence of the last two months hug her frame tightly. “And all you ever talked about was Mars this, Earth that... you--” a stray tear dropped from her chin. “Did you ever stop to think what I want?”

“No...” Jinki whispered like he’d been told everything in this universe was a lie.

The admission put sound to something she already knew, and in that, doubled the effect it had on her. Minjung shook from the effort of trying to lock her sobs inside her lungs. “No,” she gasped. “You didn’t.”

“You were never...” the other shook his head, looking confused. “Minjunggie, I can’t--”

“You can’t love me?” she asked. “Is that what you’re going to say? That you can’t love anyone? Jinki, do you think that mattered to me?” she revealed. “I loved you anyway. Did you really think I couldn’t?”

“But, I can’t--”

“It didn’t matter. It never...”

He slowly rose to his feet and took a tentative step forward.  

[dacres-koala]

“…but I’ll punish you anyway.”

A/N: This for my heartbroken babe @50-shades-of-boredom​ who deserves the world and nothing less. Hope you’re feeling better my little buttercup ❤️ Thank you for blessing me with all these gifs and posts about Dacre ❤️ 👙💦This is not a good imagine. I was eating banana bread and I got carried away. P.S: @hargroveshurricane I love ya too❤️ Pairing: Jealous!Dacre x Reader Warnings: Smut, swearing, spanking, poorly written  Word count: 2,300+ words

He was mad. His knuckles were holding on the wheel so tight they were turning white, he was also slightly shaking and driving with a hand near his mouth, looking everywhere but you.  You sighed and leaned on the seat, hugging yourself, bothered. It annoyed you that Dacre was like this. It was still early, but the party for both of you dropped when he grabbed your arm and pulled you out of the bar. You knew the party was over. “You’re not gonna say anything?” You asked, playing with the hem of your shirt looking down. He shook his head, huffing and puffing his chest out. You groaned, annoyed. “Dacre Kayd.”  You were coming back from Joe’s birthday party, and you were having the time of your life up there. Natalia was there along with Charlie, and you were really enjoying your chat. Dacre was playing pool with his friends and everything seemed perfect. “Oh no, guys…” you said, making the couple stop and look at you. “I’m gonna grab another beer. You need anything?” “I’ll have another, thanks girl.” Charlie said. Natalia lifted her beer, motioning she was good. You walked over to the bar and handed the empty beer bottles to the barman. “I’ll be right back. This fridge broke down, I need to grab them from the one in the back.” He said and disappeared.  Suddenly, a tall buff man walked next to you sitting on the stall. He started talking to you, trying to grab a conversation. You weren’t the kind of girl that flipped guys off like flies, so you kindly declined any invitations. Your beers were ready, you waved the man goodbye and walked away. As simple as that was, Dacre had seen it all, and a few minutes later you were out the door, making a scene.  And that send us back to the car. Dacre had been driving in a perfect straight line for the past few minutes, as you looked out the foggy window. Irritated, you groaned and sighed, turning to face him and crossing your arms. “You’re overreacting, Dacre. I already told you what happened, I can’t do more.” He played his tongue inside his mouth and shook his head. “Maybe fucking stop talking to every random man that talked to you.” You scoffed. “What were you thinking, (Y/N)? Jesus.” “I already I did nothing wrong. Maybe if you stopped being such an insecure little fuck you’ll just trust me for a change.” You blurted out and looked out the window. “If you stopped being such a flirty tart, I would trust you for a change” He said right back, out of blind rage and hurt. The mere thought of you leaving him was driving him insane since he saw you talking at the bar with another man.  You looked at him and started kicking his seat, making him frown and battle with the car. “You stupid insensitive fuck! How could you?!” You said, hurt that he assumed you would do something like that. “I did nothing wrong, you fucker! How could you think so low of me?!” You screamed again, slapping his chest, frustrated. “(Y/N)!” He screamed, not being able to be in full control of the car when you kicked and slapped him. “Stop, woman, you’re gonna get us killed.” You kept yelling, throwing kicks and punches at him. A dark part of the road and Dacre decided to stop the car  suddenly and abruptly. You were shocked and almost fell off your seat. You were both breathing heavily when you stared at each other. You went at him, slapping him across his chest and trying to reach for his face. Dacre avoided you, the car being filled with grunts and slaps, the Australian god grabbed your hands and held them still. “(Y/N)…stop it.” He grunted. You were both turned on out of rage.  You stared at him and couldn’t help yourself. You leaned closer, climbing over the gearshifts  and wrapping your arms around,his neck as his strong hands set you down on his lap, the recliners doing their work. Dacre grabbed your ass cheeks giving them long and hard squeezes when your mouth explored his as if you hadn’t been together for 3 years already. You could feel him get hard under you and that turned you on even more; You broke away the kiss, running your hands through his soft dirty blond hair. You pulled yourself up and let yourself down roughly, making Dacre moan and squeeze your ass again. “You’re a jealous little fuck, aren’t you?” You asked, voice full with lust. He nodded, closing his eyes. “You’re a paranoid bastard, aren’t you?” you were grinding on him now, biting your lip and licking over the bite. Dacre moaned out on the low, nodding, pleasing you. “You’re sorry, huh?” You asked again, paying special attention to his cock on your clothes covered ass, grinding against the bump. He hissed, biting his lip. “You know I only want your cock now, don’t you, sir?” You asked as he moaned out in pleasure, hearing the chorus of angels. “Yes. I’m so so sorry, babygirl…but I’ll punish you anyway.”  He said, lifting your shirt and feeling you up from under your clothes. You moaned out and quickly removed your blouse, throwing it at the back seat, leaving you in your black lacy bra. Dacre slide his hands up your sides and onto your breasts, finding it pleasing how the filled their hands just perfect, not too small, not pouring out, perfect. He played with your nipples a little bit and you were still grinding on him, pushing your ass and wiggling on to his painful erection. “Let’s drive home now…I can’t wait to punish you. I’m looking forward to see you cry, honey. ” he hissed and positioned you back in your seat.   Dacre gets rid of his black leather jacket you loved so much, and takes a seat on the edge of the bed. You’re standing in the middle of the room, not knowing what to do exactly. The atmosphere has changed, in the blink of an eye. Dacre is all disappointed and displeased, his facial expression is stern, expectant and severe. You step in front of him, arms crossed behind your back, your gaze on your feet. “Yeah?” Dacre asks, and you see his finger pointing on the floor. You get the hint, sinking on your knees, feeling the arousal growing with every second. Your pussy tingles in anticipation, your inner muscles clenching like they would expect a cock in a few seconds. “I tried to be a good girl,” you whisper, “but I failed. I made you jealous and I talked back to you despite the fact that you’ve told me so many times not to.” “And?” He lifts his eyebrow, watching you kind of bored, which makes you feel insecure and unsatisfactory. "I’ve earned punishment and I beg you to discipline me, in a way that’s appropriate for my misdoing. I need to be taught a lesson. Please, Dacre, discipline me.” “Uh, I like that,” Dacre smiles, “You’re a truly natural.” Then the harsh, severe tone is back: “Get up, take your clothes off.” After you’re naked you’re told to face the wall, which you do. Dacre’s hands caressing your body, slipping between your legs. "So wet already,” he whispers, “begging for being disciplined makes my little one all hot and bothered, right?” “Yes,” you sigh, trying to lean into his touch. "I wanna see tears, little, wanna hear you sob and pleading for forgiveness. "You nod and take a deep breath as the first slap from his hand hits your skin. He’s spreading slight pain and warmth all over your bottom. Your pussy is tizzy, nearly dripping of horniness. “Now we start,” he announces and the first slap with from hand burns on your skin. It’s not too bad, you can manage this. After the tenth stroke you change your mind – he stopped being more or less gently and now you have to work to … cope with the pain. Loud moans escape your throat and you body trembles, trying to avoid the crop. But you can, you can. After the 15th stroke you start sobbing feeling tears in your eyes. It’s too painful, too humiliating. At 20 you start crying and he gives you a short break, feeling with his fingers at your pussy, flicking over you clit. “Even wetter than before. You’re dripping, greedy slut. Can’t wait to fuck you in a few minutes, watching your luminous, hot, red ass.” You’re pure, in a way. Small, submissive and all his. Nothing but him is important anymore. It’s just him left. After the last stroke he leads you to the bed and pulls you in his arms, giving you the perfect to relax a bit. “You did so well, you are so perfect.” He whispers gently, caressing your back and your hair. “I’m here. I’ve got you, baby. My good, brave girl, such a natural. Seeing you processing the pain was the fucking most beautiful thing I’ve ever watched. Good girl. Such a good girl. But I’m not done with you yet.” He held you tight in his arms and kissed your shoulder. “God, I want you so much.” Dacre whispered in your ear, turning you around and attacking your lips, his rough hands intertwined in your hair, biting your lips. “God…” You whispered, finding yourself being thrown at the bed, your old man already on top of you. “What am I going to do with you?” Dacre was not a bad lover, not a chance. But most of the times he was sweet and slow and tonight you felt the most delicious pain in between your thighs. Dacre laughed a little, spreading your legs and arching his back, staring into your eyes.  “Look at you..” he said, lustfully. “You’re so wet…so, so wet.” He pointed caressing the low of your stomach and going under, his thumb attacking your clit and rubbing painfully slow circles on it. You arched your back, caressing your own breasts and smiling up at the feeling. Dacre dropped down his boxers and kicked them away. “Stand up, baby, would you?” he asked, in a husky low voice. You nodded and kneeled on the bed, in front of him, wrapping your arms around him and kissing him fiercely, your hand reaching in between both of you, pumping his cock up and down, loving how hard it was, making you proud. He groaned, and pushed you on the bed, making you gasp as he turned you around, making you lay on your stomach. You smirked, biting your lip, loving the dominance. He grabbed a piece of your ass, massaging it and grabbing it hard, making you whimper and wiggle under his touch. He slapped your ass hard, refreshing the red prints on you, as you arched your back, he grabbed your hips and pulling your hair, lifted you up, your back against his chest. “It’s simple.” He said. “Don’t hold back on me, (Y/N).” He whispered, pumping himself. You nodded, out of yourself, feeling pure energy in your pussy, aching as you needed him now. “Please, Dacre.” you moaned. “Beg.” He demanded pumping himself faster, breathing heavy. “Beg for it, you little slut.” “Please, sir.” You begged, leaning yourself against his hard shaft, desperate for some action, for his touch. You knew he was already leaking, you could feel it. “Please…” You bit your lip, crying out on pleasure as he pinned you on the bed, in all fours and he got closer to you. “Please what?” he asked, pulling your hair harder, snapping your head back, earning your moan. “Please fuck me hard.” You said in a low moan. “Please fuck me, baby, I’m begging you. I want it.” He teased your entrance, biting his own lip. “Please Dacre, please fuck me.” You wiggled your ass against his leaking cock, desperate for some release, some friction; Anything.  You felt him enter you from behind and a whole new wave of emotion washed over your whole body. “Fuck!” You groaned feeling so full and complete, as he grabbed your hips hard, making sure he left even more prints from his rings tomorrow morning. The bed started rocking, his hips knocking on you, skin slapping sound filling the room. Your moans poured out of your mouth as he groaned. "God, baby, you’re so fucking tight.” He thrusted harder, and harder, making you grab the bed sheets and bite your lip, almost dragging blood. Your eyes went to the back of your head as Dacre hit your G spot with every hip thrust he gave.  You could feel yourself so close already. “Dacre, fuck!” you yelled, hurting your throat, making him go faster out of excitement. “Dacre…” you whispered, out of breath. He wrapped one hand around your collarbones, bringing you closer to him, still taking you from behind. “Baby, I-I’m…” “Let go…” he whispered in your ear, biting your neck as you came all over him, making both of you moan out loud. Blushed, you let your head hang low, the Australian boy still going at it. “God, baby, yes.” “Fuck, fuck babygirl. Y-Yeah…” You bit your own lip and rolled your eyes out of pleasure. “(Y/N), baby, you feel so fucking good around my cock.” “Dacre…” You breathed out and started pushing yourself back, meeting his trusts. “I’m fucking yours, Dacre, come for me, baby, please…” That was it for him, after two more erratic hip knocks, he came inside of you, a mix of your juices running down your leg.  Trying to catch his breath he got out of you slowly, making sure he didn’t hurt you. You both stared at the ceiling for a few minutes before you got up. “Where you going?” He asked, lifting himself on his elbows. “I was gonna find a shirt and some shorts.” You explained. He shook his head. “Still not done with you..” 

[unholyimagines]

Truth or dare

Archie Andrews & Jughead Jones x reader Summary; You’re new to Riverdale and have taken a liking to two boys and decide to get to know them, a little more intimately Warnings; cursing, alcohol, threesome, anal, dominating, choking, slightly dub-con, etc, it’s smut so… A/N; -

Riverdale, the town with pep! More like the town with mysteries and hot boys.

You had moved to the drama filled town a few weeks ago. You had made a few friends at school, including Betty Cooper and Veronica Lodge, the famous B and V.

Hanging out with them had led you to meet Harry Potter’s best friend, also known as Archie Andrews, and the lonely boy, Jughead Jones.

You weren’t blind so of course you felt attracted towards the hot boys but hadn’t gotten a chance to get to know them better. But today was your opportunity. Your parents were out of town for the weekend, leaving you alone in your mansion like home.

So naturally, you had invited your four friends for a night of drinking and fun. Betty and Veronica had sadly declined as they had something else to do but Archie and Juggie were excited to come. You weren’t sure what the night would bring, considering your confidence level got a boost when you were drunk.

Stirring the punch you had made and swinging your hips to the music, you heard the doorbell ring. A smile spreading on your face, you ran to the door. Fixing your skirt and pulling your tank top up, you opened the door to reveal two smiling men. “Hello boys, ready for a night of fun?”, you winked and let them in. “Okay, so I know this is a bit childish but how about a game of truth or dare so we could get to know each other with some secret maybe?”, you asked with an innocent smile. “Sure, I’m in”, Archie smiled but Jughead didn’t seem that into it. “What about you Juggie? You might get a chance to make Archie do something stupid”, you smirked, causing Archie to fake an offended look. “I like the sound of that”, Juggie laughed.

You were all sat at the coffee table in the huge living room, you sitting between the to boys, Archie on your left, Jughead on the right. You picked up an empty beer bottle and placed it on the center of the table. “So who wants to start?”, you questioned. “I’ll do it”, Jughead said and spun the bottle and waited until it landed on Archie. “Truth or dare, Archiekins?”, Juggie evilly smirked. “Truth”, he answered and it caused you and Jug to roll your eyes. “Okay, let’s start with something interesting. Did you really get a boner from Y/N sitting on your lap the other day?”, Jughead asked, referring to the little incident a few days back. Archie almost choked on his beer as the question came from Juggie’s mouth and you tried to stiffen a laugh. “I, uh, well, yeah”, Archie admitted and it made you smirk.

Clearly trying to avoid any further discussion about the subject, he quickly spun the bottle and it landed on Jug. Now it was Archie’s time to smirk and Jughead’s face fell a little. “So which one, Juggie, truth or dare?”, Archie asked. “Truth”, he said and you felt disappointed at the boys being boring. “Have you had any dirty thoughts about Y/N?”, Archie smirked with an knowing look and you felt really interested in this game now. “Y-yes”, Jug said, looking down and you tried to suppress the butterflies in your stomach, knowing how the boys felt about you.

Jughead spun the bottle and this time, it landed on you. “Dare, you pussies!”, you half-yelled, not giving Jughead any time to even ask the question. “I dare you to… show your boobs”, Jughead smirked and your mouth fell a little open at his bluntness. “Are you serious?”, you asked, feeling a little shy now. You took a big gulp of the punch before Jughead opened his mouth again. “You wanted to play so let’s play”, he simply explained. You closed your eyes for a second and opened them to see both of the boys now looking at you with excitement. You weren’t wearing any bra under your strapless top so it would be easy to just pull it down and up in a quick moment. “Let me help you”, Jughead said, before pulling your top down, not giving you any time to react. You saw it in slow motion as your tits bounced out of the fabric, your nipples instantly getting hard from the chilly air. Your hands flew to cover your chest but not before the boys got a good look at you. “Oh my god, Juggie!”, you whined and pulled your top back up. “What? You were taking too long”, he chuckled, clearly satisfied.

You just huffed out but didn’t miss Archie placing his hand against his crotch and pushing down. “You alright there, Archiekins?”, you smirked at him. “Yeah, yeah, just spin the bottle”, he said hurriedly.

You did and it landed on him and you smirked again. “Truth or dare, boner boy?”, you laughed and Jughead spat out the punch from his mouth to laugh too. “Fuck it, dare”, he said, downing the rest of his beer. “That’s my boy! I dare you to share your kink with us”, you smirked at him and felt Jughead place his chin on your shoulder, also smirking at Archie. “Isn’t that more of a truth?”, he asked, trying to get out of the question. “Doesn’t matter, just tell us!”, you demanded. “Dddyh”, he quietly muttered. “I’m sorry, what was that?”, you asked, placing your hand behind your ear. “Daddy, okay? I have a daddy kink”, he confessed and you heard Jughead laughing behind you. You, however, didn’t laugh because you had the exact same kink.

“Y/N, truth or dare?”, Archie brought you back from your dirty thought and you hadn’t even noticed him spinning the bottle. “Uhh, dare”, you said, suddenly feeling uncomfortable between the hot boys. “I dare you to do anything we say for the next hour”, Archie said with a shit eating grin. “No, no, I meant truth!”, you tried as you hadn’t really paid attention to his simple question. “Oh no, you can’t change it!”, Jughead said, his face matching Archie’s. “Fine, what do you want me to do?”, you said, giving up. “How about some blowjobs?”, Jughead asked Archie, not bothering to look at your shocked face. “I think that would be nice”, Archie said with an innocent looking face. “But first, I’d like to see how you get yourself wet”, Jug continued, now smirking at you. “W-what?”, you asked. “Cmon Y/N, just sit on the table and spread your legs and show us what you do when you’re alone”, Archie said, pushing you up and onto the table.

You felt a little confused about their bold behaviors but also a little aroused. You stared at the boys, now sitting exactly in front of them and you knew there was no getting out of this, and frankly, you didn’t even want to, so you started to slowly pull up the hem of your skirt. You kept your legs closed until the skirt was just a piece of clothing around your waist. The boys noticed your hesitation and Archie reached to touch your knee and started to push it to the side. Closing your eyes for a second, you spread you legs fully, lifting them up on the table and pushing your panties to the side, giving the boys a full view of your wet pussy.

“Holy, oh, shit!”, Jughead said and pushed his hand against his crotch. “Did we get you this wet, baby?”, Archie questioned with awe. “Yes, daddy”, you answered, deciding to tease him. “Fuck”, was all he said as he snaked his hand in his pants.

Suddenly feeling really confident, you reached down to your pussy and spread the wetness around your slit and then went to play with your clit. Little moans started to fall from your mouth and you were now playing the boy’s own game against them, without them knowing it. You started to push a finger inside your pussy, adding another and a third almost instantly. Your moans were getting louder and the boys were starting to lose it. You decided to drive them over the edge so you grabbed the empty beer bottle and rubbed it against your entrance, slowly pushing it in.

“You wanted to see what I do when I’m alone, so here it is”, you whispered seductively. “That’s it”, Archie said as he stood up, grabbed you by your hair to force you on your knees and pushed his cock inside your mouth. You hadn’t even noticed when he had removed his pants and didn’t have any time to think about is you saw Jughead rubbing his cock next to your face. Archie was now face fucking you, forcing his cock so deep that you were choking on it. “That’s it baby, choke on daddy’s cock”, he hummed and you almost moaned, enjoying being dominated.

You tried to push him away to get some air in your lungs but his dick was replaced by Jughead’s cock, giving your throat the same treatment. Tears were flowing out of your eyes by their harsh actions but you felt yourself getting more wetter as you liked it rough.

“Lift her on the couch”, Archie told Jug and you were thrown on the soft couch. “On all fours”, Archie commanded and you obeyed. Jughead was back with his dick in your mouth when you felt Archie lining up with your entrance from behind. He teased you for a second by only pushing his tip in but suddenly rammed his whole cock inside. You squealed a little but only muffled moans escaped your mouth due to Jug’s dick filling it. “Fuck she’s tight”, Archie moaned. You were starting feel an orgasm building up but Archie pulled out and so did Jughead.

You looked at them with confusion but Jughead lifted you on top of him pushing his cock inside you in a quick motion. You moaned out loudly but stopped when you felt Archie pressing his cock against your entrance too.

“What are you… Ahh!”, you tried to ask but couldn’t as Archie’s cock slipped inside your pussy. Never had you felt as stretched as you were now and felt a little amazed about the fact that two cocks could fit in your pussy.

They destroyed your pussy for a moment but finally Archie pulled out and pressed his tip against your asshole. “Archie, no, I…”, you tried. “No, baby, you’re doing anything we want and now I want you to let me fuck your ass”, he smirked and started push in. This wasn’t your first anal but you were nervous to do it in a threesome for some reason.

A wave of pain went through your body as Archie pushed his dick fully in. He didn’t give you any time to adjust as he started to pound you hard. You hadn’t felt anything like it before, two guys filling you up and it felt so good. Jughead had started to pant and had pulled his dick out of your pussy to try to get his dick in your ass too.

“Jug, please don’t, it won’t fit, I’ll break!”, you pleaded but he only smirked. “You don’t have a choice, do you?”, his low voice made you even wetter if possible. His cock slipped in your ass with ease and then you felt several fingers enter your pussy and you looked down to see the both boys fingers inside you. The pleasure was too much and then you felt someone pinch your nipple you couldn’t take it anymore. The guy’s were also reaching their peaks and spilled their cum inside your ass. Right after they came, you felt your blinding orgasm too. Staying still for a moment before pulling out, all of you fell limb on the couch.

“I think we should get to know each other more often”, you said, making you all laugh.

[little-sundays]

Vanilla Cream

Street racers!AU

warnings: strong language, Justin’s younger than the main character (for the noonas. Just a year or two), standalone (not related to the Wanna One’s stories), just a break for now, fluffy, don’t expect it to be the best (I’m so sorry) to the anon who requested for one it feels so rushed. 

Running–you kept rushing towards the vehicle your best friend was occupying; however, someone held you back which prevented you from moving towards the burning automobile. You shouted at the top your lungs while struggling out of the person's grasp when the car blew up. You cried, "No, stop fucking holding me!"

Two months passed after the burial, you attended classes regularly again. A boy glanced your way for a second before turning back to his phone when you looked up. You shifted around your seat, leaning your head against the window of the train. Soon, you drifted into a light nap after you saw the automatic switch of the streetlights. The same boy observed your sleeping demeanor from where he stood; taking in your features and the uniform you were wearing.

You awoke to the sound coming from the train, the announcer said, "Prince Will Station."

Swinging your bag over your shoulder, you pulled yourself of the seat before heading towards the doors. The male stood beside you as he waited for the doors to open. Once they did, the both of you simultaneously left the vehicle. However, you didn't notice his presence behind you.

You strolled down the sidewalk, quietly taking in the scenery before you. You passed by a few blocks before you reached Oregan Street, thus you ended up in front of your porch. You let out a breath when you stopped in front of the apartment complex. After you got in the studio, you set your bag inside the living room before heading towards the kitchen to heat the leftovers.

Once you took out the food, you pulled the note from the refrigerator door and read it softly, “I’ll be back around two in the morning. Feed the pets for me.”

“You don’t call a piranha a pet; they prefer the term carnivores, dad.” You said to yourself as you threw the paper in the bin. Thereafter, you ate in the dining room only accompanied by the faintest light in the room. All of a sudden, you heard the rough sound of wheels coming in contact with the ground. You got up and opened the door only to see a male limp his way towards your house. Without any delay, you rushed to the boy and helped him in your apartment.

You sat him down on your seat before asking him, “Which part hurts the most?”

“I believe I dislocated my left ankle,” he replied. As you heard his response, you immediately grabbed a bandage roll and a metal rod sitting on your father’s desk before realigning it with his ankle and wrapping the roll around it. You secured the bandage tightly thus said, “You’ll have to borrow our crutches for a few months.”

He questioned, “Why are you helping me?”

“My sister’s a doctor, it’s not rare for my family to bring random strangers inside; especially in this neighborhood where the mafia’s located.” You added, “We take care of people whether they’re in a crime syndicate or not. Even one of your friends is a regular, Lee Daehwi.”

He sighed, “Justin. My name’s Justin.”

“That’s your only name?” You asked.

“No, not really. It’s Huang Ming Hao, actually.” He corrected. You laughed at your entire conversation until he said, “Where are your parents?”

“My father left to visit my sister in the hospital and my mother’s currently living a happier life in Paris with her new husband, I’m just here chilling and talking to some gangster I met ten minutes ago.” You answered before turning away from his gaze.

The next morning you awoke to the constant knocking on your main door. Quickly pulling on the door, you stared at the person dead in the eye and stated drowsily, “If you’re not injured, I can’t help you.”

Justin bit down on his lower lip to stop himself from smiling, then said, “We just met yesterday night.”

You blinked a couple of times trying to focus your vision on the male. When you finally got a clearer sight of him, you apologized. You questioned, “What time is it?”

“It’s four in the morning, your dad hasn’t arrived yet.” He continued after a brief pause, “Do you normally just sleep in your bra and a pair of shorts?”

Instantly, you shut the door in front of his face before hastily changing into a more appropriate attire. You then went back to the main door and swore at Justin, “Oh, fuck off, we live in the 21st century.”

He laughed, “You want to go on a ride?”

You looked at him for a moment, the memories haunting you again. You declined his offer and said, “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Hey,” your sister said, “young boy waiting for you.”

You looked up from your computer to glance at the male leaning against the wall. You abruptly hid under the counter and pulled your sister with you, “Why is he here?”

“What? You wanted me to kick him out the hospital?” She asked baffled by your sudden behavior. You exclaimed, “No!”

“Then why are you asking me why he’s here? He’s your guy, not mine.” She finished, kicking you out of the counter and forcefully pushing you to the male. He smiled, “It’s been a month since we last talked.”

You coughed, “You never really showed up.”

He scratched his nape while staring at your face, “So you were expecting me?”

“Yes.” You corrected, “No. I don’t know.”

Justin smirked at your answer, then he said, “You don’t have to lie to me. You can trust me, after all you’re a nurse and my whole life depends on you.”

 “Wow,” you sighed, “sis, did you set up any blind dates for me?”  

[allyinthekeyofx]

Fading light -part 2- 3/6

PART ONE  -  Chapters 1-6

PART TWO  -  Chapter one   Chapter two

PART TWO

CHAPTER THREE

“Are you sure you don’t want me to call your Mom?”

I’m trying to understand Scully’s reluctance to involve her Mother; I’m aware that the knowledge of her collapse yesterday will just seek to fuel another emotional outburst from Maggie, but even so, it just doesn’t sit right with me. But then it’s not my fight so I’m not sure I have a right to even hold an opinion, much less pass judgement over Scully’s decisions in this regard. To have to watch her losing control of her body is heart wrenching to me and I suppose she should be permitted to decide just how much of her gradual decline she wishes to share with her Mom.

But I still can’t help the guilt that gnaws at me that I am at least in part, a willing conspirator against a woman who has shown me more kindness and the past than I believe I deserve.

But Scully sets her mouth in a straight line, shaking her head and looking all the word like a small, determined child.

“No. I mean it Mulder. I’ll call her when I get home.”

When she will get home is still undetermined however. She’s had a pretty rough morning since she woke up. I hadn’t considered really just what the effects of swallowing so much blood yesterday would have on her and she’s been throwing up on and off for the past 3 hours or so despite a cocktail of anti sickness drugs added to her IV and she is clearly exhausted by this latest assault. Apparently the human digestive system - as Scully helpfully informed me - does not process large quantities of its own blood too well and vomiting in this circumstance is commonplace. It was something she apparently went through the last time around and something she never discussed with me. But then she didn’t really discuss much of anything with me back then and if I’m honest, I’m not entirely sure I had earned the right, intent as I was on seeking justice, and my partner, the woman I loved, the object of such heinous wrongdoing, somehow became secondary to my quest.

I’ve always been ashamed of my actions back then. I think I probably always will be and although I’ve never told her, I’m still haunted by the knowledge that I wasn’t there when she needed me the most. Yes, Scully is an intensely private person, but I was so blind back then that even if she’d expressed her need in neon letters two feet tall I doubt I would have been able to see past the ether of my obsession in order to react to it. And that’s why now, even though I had prayed that a resurgence of her cancer would never come, that I will be to her everything I wasn’t before.

I know I am going to have to leave her soon though, just for a while; because if she won’t allow me to involve anyone else, the most basic tasks need to be completed by me. Essential items, toiletries, a change of clothes, her robe....all fairly insignificant in the great scheme of things but items that will make her stay easier. I particularly know that she is desperate to clean her teeth. Scully is probably the most fastidious person I’ve ever met and I know that being unable to properly freshen up using her toothpaste and her brand of soap is pissing her off. She doesn’t need that on top of everything else. Not when it’s something that is so easily rectified.

I also need to grab a shower and a change of clothes because the scrubs, whilst pretty comfortable aren’t the most inconspicuous apparel to be wearing in a hospital and frankly I’m terrified that someone might mistake me for a member of the nursing staff and my duplicity will end up killing someone.

I’d said as much to Scully and was rewarded by the first genuine smile she had managed so far that day. And for a brief moment amidst the headache and the nausea and the fear, she was right back there with me.

“You’re an idiot Mulder”

I’d leaned in closer to her tickling her neck with my lips as I whispered in her ear so only she could hear me

“Admit it Scully, you just wanna play Doctors with me.”

And that earned me a swat on the arm.

Another small victory. But I would take it.

Shortly after that though she had closed her eyes and by the delicate furrows that marred her brow, I knew that the headache was back. She needed sleep and I’d suspected that it was something she was fighting against while I was still there with her. So I’d perched gently on the edge of the bed and taken her slim white hand in mine. I swear that her naturally pale skin tone had become virtually translucent since yesterday and my own hand seemed almost dark in comparison. And for some reason I can’t quite fathom, the sight of her hand engulfed in mine had tightened my throat as a sudden film of tears inexplicably gathered across my eyes and it took every single fucking reserve I had to not break down right there in front of her.

She noticed of course; I can’t hide anything from this woman and when I allow myself to really think about it, it humbles me that she has somehow managed to know me so completely. I am further humbled when she places her free hand against my cheek, holding it there for just a heartbeat.

“It’s okay” she whispers softly turning those incredible eyes on me that, just for a moment, radiate such compassion, such concern, that I want to gather her up and never let her go. To rain a thousand kisses down upon her body in an attempt to rid her of the hurt and the fear I know she is feeling.

“It’s okay Mulder. Go home for a while. I’ll be fine.”

She is tired. She needs to sleep.

So I simply nod and bring her hand to my mouth, kissing each finger softly before grazing my lips across her palm, tracing circles with my thumb across the satin soft skin and by the time I gently lay her arm across her chest, she has succumbed to her exhaustion and her eyes have fluttered closed. I allow myself the luxury of drinking in her image, the long chestnut eyelashes that sit in sharp contrast to her pale skin and despite the dark shadows under her eyes, to me, she is flawless.

“I’ll be back soon” I whisper.

And the small contended sigh that escapes from her slightly parted lips tells me that she hears me even in her dreams.

XXXX

I had briefly considered walking back home but given the fact I was dressed like an escaped mental patient and clutching a transparent trash bag containing the blood soaked clothes from yesterday, I’d decided against it and had asked the helpful volunteer at the admin desk if they could call me a cab. Even then I braced myself for the driver’s reaction to his strange passenger, but as it transpired, the driver, when he arrived, turned out to be a her and in my experience, women seemed to much less phased about these kinds of things than their male counterparts. A short Hispanic woman who bore more than a passing resemblance to Frohike, right down to the bushy eyebrows, didn’t bat an eyelid; she simply grabbed the bag from my hand, tossing it in to the backseat as she held the door open for me.

“Rough night?”

I laughed in spite of myself and rubbed the bridge of my nose.

“Yeah you could say that.”

She simply nodded and gestured that I should sit in the front next to her and I was grateful to not have to sit looking at Scully’s blood soaked clothing for the ten minute journey back to her apartment.

Once inside I gave her the address and leaned my head back against the seat, relaxing properly for the first time since that terrifying moment by the lake when Scully began to choke on her own blood. It happened less than 24 hours ago and yet seems like a lifetime. I am beginning to learn in the harshest way possible that nothing is constant where this disease is concerned. That in the blink of an eye everything changes. I hadn’t realised last time around just how much Scully had hidden from me and just how much she had coped with on her own.

How many times had she been puking up undigested blood after a nose bleed and had then followed me on whatever case I had managed to conjure up to ensure she kept moving? So that she wouldn’t have either the time or energy to walk away from me? Because by trying to keep things normal, I could deny what was happening. Until that final night on the sweeping stairway of the American University.

*I can’t go with you Mulder*.

I hadn’t even asked her why. Oh I knew her refusal to join me was directly tied to her cancer. But I hadn’t asked because for my own selfish reasons I wasn’t able to acknowledge it. That she was dying. Some fucking partner I turned out to be.

“Hey Mister....you okay?”

I snap abruptly back to the present day and realise with a start that we have arrived. I’m not sure how because it only seems like a few seconds since we pulled away from the hospital and joined the throngs of traffic heading in to the capitol.

“You zonked out on me” Mrs Frohike supplies helpfully and I shake my head in apology.

“Like I said. Rough night. I’m sorry, how much?” I glance at the meter and notice that the digital display is blank and am more than a little surprised when I feel a set of stubby fingers tighten briefly on my arm.

“Use it to buy your girl some flowers and tell her I said to get well soon.”

The kindness of a stranger.

And she called Scully ‘My girl’.

I can’t speak suddenly. The lump that formed in my throat makes it impossible. So I settle for a shaky smile that I know doesn’t quite come off and, after grabbing the bag of soiled clothes from the back, I exit the car.

Conscious that time is ticking and I want, no, need to be back at the hospital before Scully wakes up, I head straight for the wide double doors that grace the front of the beautiful old building that Scully calls home. And I realise perhaps for the first time that it feels like home for me too. Three months. Three short months is all it’s taken. Maybe it’s time I had a discussion with Scully about moving the fish in.

The concept makes me smile, a smile that freezes on my face as the familiar voice assails my senses from behind. My reaction is sudden and violent as I spin around to face a man who has brought nothing but misery and destruction to everyone and everything he comes in to contact with. As always a noxious blue cloud surrounds him, the smoke curling insidiously around him as though cloaking him in death and he is smiling at me. He has the audacity to smile at me. The cigarette smoking son of a bitch who calls himself my father. I would rather have been spawned by the devil himself; but then again, maybe I was.

His eyes settle on the bag I am still clutching at my side and his smile widens. It’s almost fatherly, jovial even and that alone makes me want to shove the barrel of my gun in to his mouth and blow the back of his fucking head off. Maybe it’s a good thing that it’s sat safely locked away in the apartment where I left it yesterday before we left for the park. I hadn’t wanted to carry a gun whilst walking with Scully through the autumn leaves beneath our feet. I just hadn’t felt the need.

“Did Agent Scully enjoy her Birthday gift?”

His oily unctuous voice reaches me somehow through the sudden white noise that seems to invade my every sense. And I recognise it as rage. Blind rage that he even has the audacity to speak her name.

“What did you say?”

My voice is low, dangerous, Icy in its control. Scully would be proud. Because what I actually want to do right now is to rip his head from his fucking shoulders.

“Her Birthday gift Fox. The one we gave her.”

I shake my head in an effort to clear it, as a horrified realisation suddenly hits me like an out of control boulder. Rolling towards me, gathering speed, unstoppable and unforgiving.

He caused it.

Yesterday.

The bleeding.

He caused it.

Somehow he caused it.

“You fucking black lunged bastard......” 

and I take a step towards him. I want to hurt this man so badly I can barely breathe. I want to systematically make him suffer in the same way he has made us suffer.

Has made Scully suffer.

But all it takes is for him to hold up his hand for me to stop in my tracks. Because I know. Suddenly I know that this is all a game to him.

“Now Fox. Don’t spoil things for yourself. Who knows what might happen to Scully if you do something rash.”

I ball my hands in to fists, the feel of my fingernails biting in to the flesh of my palms. But I welcome the pain. It tempers me just enough to remain where I am.

“What do you want from us? From me?”

He shakes his head

“You still haven’t figured it out have you Fox? I want nothing. Nothing but your loyalty. When the time comes.”

“When the time comes for what? you fucking double talking sick bastard.”

And when he doesn’t respond something inside me breaks free, I actually feel it give, like a rubber band stretched too tightly, unable to bear the pressure for even a second longer. All the years that this man has loomed like a spectre above us, controlling, manipulative, a manifestation of pure evil, hiding behind a conspiracy that destroys everything it comes in to contact with. And I can’t allow it to continue. For both Scully and I he has to be stopped, and I feel a sudden surge of satisfaction at the fear in his eyes as I lunge forwards and wrap my hands around his throat.

Continued chapter four.

[sickdaysofficial]

Sickdays #1: Cold

Fandom: Do people like my OCs? Does that count as a fandom? Does it have a name?

Characters: Kit, Violet, and some friends that don’t matter that much

A/N: all my posts this week come with an illustration. All the illustrations will also be posted separately so they’re easier to find.

Kit’s phone was going off for the fifth time in under an hour. He grabbed it without even checking the caller ID and answered with a groan.

“I already told you, Nina, I’m not going out. I hate the snow. I’m not moving more than five feet from this fireplace unless the rest of the mansion goes up in flames.”

“Well, lucky for you, asshole, I’m not Nina. And you’re going out.”

Kit groaned louder at the realization that Violet was now badgering him as well. Unlike Nina, who was simply a friend he could say no to, Violet had been Kit’s crush for nearly a decade. She knew it, and she was more than willing to exploit it. Despite being aware of this weakness, Kit couldn’t force himself to say no to her. There was still a tiny fiber of hope telling him this might be the thing that made her like him back.

After a long contemplating pause, he sighed. “Let me get a jacket.” “Be ready in ten minutes.” Violet hung up.

Kicking himself internally, Kit trudged to his bedroom to throw on as many layers of clothing as physically possible. He was just buttoning his second jacket when the doorbell started ringing incessantly. Violet was here.

When the front door swung open, the dark-haired girl immediately cackled. “What the fuck are you wearing? You look like the Michelin Man.”

Kit huffed. “Shut up. You wanted me to come outside. I don’t like the cold.”

“Well you better get used to it quick. We’re going sledding.”

The front door slammed closed again.

It took several minutes for Violet to drag Kit back outside. She nearly had to keep him from climbing into the fireplace. After much bickering and a few slaps to the arm and upside the head, he finally conceded, following the taller girl down the frost-slick path.

Kit sighed. The heat from his breath was caught in his scarf, which warmed his nose but also fogged his glasses. He nearly walked into a sign post, and had to pause. He pulled his scarf down so that it no longer covered his mouth and nose, wiping his coke-bottle lenses clean. Without his glasses, he was basically blind, so he would have to settle for a cold nose instead.

A few blocks down the road, a trio of bundled figures were standing near the park entrance waiting. The bored-looking blond boy was as strikingly tall as Violet. In contrast, the two black girls next to him, who were definitely sisters if not twins, stood nearly a head shorter. One of them lit up as the none-too-happy Kit trudged into view, her braids whipping in the icy wind as she ran over to meet him.

“Ruby!”

“Hello, N-N-Nina. H-how are you d-d-d-doing?” He hissed through chattering teeth.

She grinned in response. “I’m good! I’m really excited! I haven’t gone sledding since we were kids.”

“Don’t lie, you went sledding last week.” The blond boy remarked.

“Falling down a hill that happens to have snow on it doesn’t count, Lee!” Nina huffed.

Leander rolled his eyes in response. Meanwhile, the other girls were going over their equipment to make sure they had everything.

“Sleds?” Violet asked.

“Got it.” Nina’s sister replied.

“Goggles?”

“Got it.”

“Extra gloves and shit?”

“Got it, but I’m not sure if we have enough to keep the walking vibrator warm.” The dark-skinned girl gave Kit a mocking smirk.

“Shut up, Isab-b-bella.” The red-haired boy hissed. He had never gotten along with Nina’s sister, which was frustrating because the two girls were always together.

“How about you shut up and get your shivery ass up the hill.” Isabella nudged him in the right direction, looking annoyed.

Kit huffed but didn’t argue, and he and his friends began their trudge up the hill. As much as he tried to enjoy it, he found himself having anything but fun. He’d nearly slid into a tree more than once, and the weather was only getting colder. Ten minutes couldn’t pass without Isabella chucking a snowball at him, and thanks to her ability to aim for the tiny gap between his jacket and scarf, every layer of his clothing was soaked with icy slush.

As the hours dragged on, most of the group seemed worn out but in good spirits. Kit, however, had fallen uncharacteristically quiet. The only thing he’d done in the past half hour or so was sit against a tree and shiver.

The sun was starting to drop behind the trees, so the friends had agreed it was time to leave, and all but the red-haired boy were gathering their things to head down the hill. Leander called to Kit, tossing a snowball to get his attention.

“C’mon, Ruby! Time to go!”

Though his mind had started to generate a bitter retort, Kit found himself unable to quite articulate it, and after a moment of stammering, he simply mumbled “Mmhm…” and attempted to climb to his feet. The second he tried to stand, however, his head started spinning like a roulette wheel. A hand clumsily clutching at the trunk of the tree barely kept him from falling, and it took several seconds for him to reorient himself enough to shuffle along after his friends. At the moment, the other four were too busy chatting jovially to notice anything amiss.

“Do you guys think there’s anywhere nearby we can get a hot drink?” Isabella inquired.

Violet was the first to come up with a location. “There’s a cafe down the road.”

This brought about a chorus of agreeable murmurs, and the crowd redirected their path towards the cafe. No one had realized how far behind Kit was lagging, until they actually walked in the door. Nina looked around in confusion.

“Where’s Ruby?”

“Should be just behind us.” Leander replied.

Glancing back out the door, he frowned a little as he saw that ‘just behind us’ was closer to ‘nearly a block away’. Rumpling his brow in concern, he strolled back out into the cold to walk with Kit.

“You okay, man?”

Kit nodded, mumbling, “Jus’ tired…” He was leaning on Leander a little bit, which the blond boy didn’t object to, but was definitely a little worried about. Leading his friend into the cafe, he found where the rest of the group was seated and brought Kit over to them. The redhead rested his head in his arms, staying quiet.

Nina started to voice her concern, but Isabella dismissed Kit’s demeanor as him pouting, and Violet confirmed that he had been whining about having to go out earlier. He didn’t object to their explanation, so everyone assumed it to be accurate.

After chattering for a while and buying enough cocoa and coffee to keep the cafe in business for a week, the friends finally went their separate ways. Leander headed off to whoever’s place he was crashing at this week. The twins were going towards their tiny house about ten blocks away. Violet was nudging Kit so the two of them could head back to his place, since hers was all the way across town.

“Hey. Kit. Kitty cat. Kitsie.”

She shook the smaller boy’s shoulder rather roughly, and he slowly sat up, looking dreary and disoriented.

“Mm?”

“Time to go, lazyass.”

Kit nodded, but struggled climbing to his feet and nearly fell. Violet immediately looked alarmed. The red-haired boy was usually quite agile and well-balanced, rarely falling even when drunk. She wrapped an arm around his shoulders for support.

“Shit, you’re freezing. Are you okay?”

“‘M fine. Tired ‘s all…” Kit didn’t seem too troubled despite his clearly declining state.

This just worried Violet further, and she considered calling a taxi. However, knowing how bad the weather was, she figured the cab would take forever, if cabs were even running at the moment. After contemplating, she ended up just picking Kit up to walk home. He wasn’t hard to carry, seeing as he was barely two-thirds her weight.

She trudged through the snow as quickly as she could without dropping him, and after about 20 or 30 minutes, found herself on the doorstep of the Raycraft mansion. It was a good thing she had a key, because Kit wasn’t nearly about his wits enough to find the one buried in his coat pockets. He wasn’t even shivering anymore.

As soon as the door opened, Violet took Kit up to his bedroom to get him into some dry clothes. It was a bit of a struggle, as he was at best not fighting her. Even if she was bigger and stronger than him, the dead weight of a grown man wasn’t easy to deal with. Kit was worryingly drowsy and kept seeming close to dozing off, which sent a sinking feeling into Violet’s heart. Whenever his eyelids start to droop, she gave him a nudge.

“Kit. S..stay awake.” Violet had a nervous edge to her voice, which was incredibly rare for her.

She managed to get Kit changed, wrapping him in blankets over his dry clothes. Blood-coloured dye seeped from his damp hair, staining the blankets. Though she knew it was just hair colour, it certainly didn’t help Violet’s nerves as she shuffled off to the kitchen.

As she returned with a warm drink, Kit seemed closer and closer to sleep. Violet nudged him again, but he mumbled something unintelligible, and his eyes drifted to a close. At this point, she was nearly panicking, shaking and nudging him while trying not to be too rough.

“Kit. Kit? Kit!” Her tone was terrified, filled with copious amounts of guilt. In desperation, she tried shaking him one more time. “Kit. K-Kit… Kit? Christian. Christian, please. Please wake up. Oh god. Oh fuck. Oh fucking god…” Hands trembling, she pulled out her phone to dial 911.

Kit awoke to a blurry mess of light and colour. Groping around, his hands failed to find his nightstand, and he grew baffled.

“Where the fuck are my glasses?” He grumbled.

A moment later, a familiar hand placed the rectangular black frames in his grasp. “Here. Sorry.”

Rubbing his eyes and putting on the glasses, Kit scanned his surroundings. His expression morphed from drowsiness to confusion as he recognized the setting as a hospital room, with Violet at his side and an IV in his arm. He was almost as white as the ivory sheets beneath him, and the slightly-too-big hospital gown made him look small and frail.

“How in the freezing hell did I get here?”

“In an ambulance, last night. I called for one when you passed out.” Violet was avoiding facing him to try to keep Kit from seeing the redness of her eyes.

“Christ, I wasn’t that bad off… Just worn out and a little cold.”

The shrill panic was back in Violet’s voice and she spun around, now making eye contact despite having clearly been crying. “A little cold? You had hypothermia, Christian. You could’ve died!”

Still a little too tired and unwell for such a dramatic interaction, Kit looked quite taken aback. Violet never freaked out like this, and she certainly never used his full first name. He had no idea where to even begin with a reply, and his thoughts trailed off as a harsh cough wracked his lungs. His whole body shook as several more coughs scratched his throat and stole his breath. By the time he was done, he looked exhausted, but he cleared his throat and attempted to reply anyway..

“I…I feel really ill. Vi, can we talk later?”

The dark-haired girl nodded quickly. “Yeah, of course.” After a moment’s pause she added. “S…sorry.”

“It’s alright.” Kit replied quietly. No matter what she did, he couldn’t hate Violet.

  And, as promised, have a freezy, shivery, soggy Kit.

[dvbermingham]

Chapter 13: Tamago

I coughed myself awake from a dream where bugs had crawled down my throat. In front of me in the night darkness was a small kid holding a blanket whose face I couldn’t quite make out. A familiar city hum, commercial trucks catching every light, the occasional Atlantic Ave L.I.R.R. The apartment itself was silent. In the dream I was sitting on the side of a lake, tops of my feet burning. Someone was fishing in the shallows nearby, laughing and telling me to get in and see. See what? I don’t know, but I liked the beach. I put my hand down and felt the sand between my fingers. When I picked it up again my fingers were crawling with dusty sand bugs, prickling around and flapping their wings, then. crawling on my legs, then all over my head. They were swarming me and on purpose and I feared angering them so I stayed perfectly still, even holding my breath, like it was the only thing keeping me alive. They crawled over my tight-shut mouth and nose. I held and held, I thought they were going to sting me, felt the stingers or fangs or mandibles or whatever they had going for them unsheathed and positioned over my face. With the first stab my head finally broke open, my mouth gasping for air, I breathed in deeply and in they went, back of the throat, choking me awake.

“Jeez kid, where’s your mom,” I tried to say, but nothing came out.

The kid ran away.

I laid back down. I breathed deep through my nose, trying to grab some air. Who the fuck was that guy fishing? Then the pain. I felt like my face was wearing a migraine like a mask. It throbbed in every orifice. The kid came back with water. I drank it down in three gulps and said thanks. Migraines out my eyes. Then the kid took the glass and refilled it and came right back.

“Thanks again kid,” I said after chugging the second glass, my voice back again. “Is your mom home?”

“She’s asleep.”

“Oh. What time is it?”

The kid didn’t respond.

“What day is it?”

Again the kid didn’t respond.

“What’s your name?”

“Gwen.”

“Shouldn’t you be asleep?”

Gwen shrugged.

“Alright, well listen kid, I’ve got a splitting headache. Any chance you might no where the bathroom is? I could use a freshen-up.”

Gwen pointed.

I checked out my face in the mirror. Like a dirty cleat. Studs where there were no studs before. Bits of turf stuck in newly formed crevices. Postcard from Thugsville. I was impressed with myself, truly. Despite my total failure as a bodyguard,  the fact that I could withstand such a beating without ever really feeling much pain was a silver lining I was sure would keep me in the business at least a couple more years.

I opened the medicine cabinet as much to get the mirror out of my face as to snoop around for some pain meds. There were a lot of labels. The labels didn’t have the name Vicky Felix on them, someone else’s. My eyes couldn’t focus. I gave up, splashed some water on my face and hit the lights.

When I came out of the bathroom she was standing there, leaning against the wall in the dark, wearing what I could only guess was a silk nightgown. “Feeling better?”

“Yeah, just freshening up. Look pretty good don’t I?”

“Help you find anything?”

“Just some aspirin.”

She went to the medicine cabinet and took out a bottle, then another, then came back with a handful of pills. “Here ya go. You’ll need to wait a little longer for the good stuff,” she said. I scarfed them back without thinking about it.

“Want some breakfast to wash those down?”

“It’s early huh?”

“Four. But you’ve been asleep for about two days.”

“What?”

“I mean, you got up and walked around, but it wasn’t going well. You almost knocked over my fig tree. I gave you something to knock you out a bit longer. Thought you needed it.”

“Oh. Well, thanks. I appreciate that.”

“Class starts at six, so I’m usually up about this time. Gotta get Wendy ready for school. You have kids?”

I thought for a moment, maybe too long, and she seemed to get nervous she had overstepped. A commercial truck ripped down Atlantic flashing high beams through the windows, lighting her face for just a moment.  “You’re both in school?” I asked.

“We never stop growing.”

“What’s the…”

“Mechanic school. Motorcycles. Honda’s mostly, at least at first. I work at a shop part time in the afternoon, taking classes in the morning. Doesn’t pay much but I life insurance makes ends meet. I want to open my own place. By women, for women. You get laughed at pretty hard as a woman when you try to get involved. It’s intimidating for new bikers, and it shouldn’t be. So I’m getting certified, gonna open up my own place by November.”

“And what about Gwen?”

“We’re still on the alphabet with her.”

“Listen,” I said, hoping to spill my feelings as soon as possible. “I want to thank you for helping me out back at the club. It was a rough night.”

“You’re a good dancer, Lou, with a good face. I didn’t want those assholes dragging you back inside. We’ll find a new club next week, how’s that sound?” were gonna come out of there any second, and you didn’t seem up for any more rounds in the back of that club.”

Miraculously my jaw and teeth and tongue all worked together just fine when it came to chewing and swallowing. Lucky me, she said. She’s seen guys that didn’t get so lucky. She fed me coffee, eggs, bacon, grapefruit, orange juice, more coffee, and more bacon, and as I ate my way back to health the sky started its new pastel beginnings. She offered me sausage but I declined out of politeness.

“What was a guy like you doing there anyway? It didn’t exactly seem like your scene.”

“Work. I’m a bodyguard. I was guarding someone who was looking for someone. I guess we found him.”

“I take it you two were supposed to leave together then, huh?”

“Yeah.”

“And yet you chose to leave with me instead,” she said, possibly winking, I don’t know. As I said, my eyes were a little bleary. But she sure sounded like she was winking.

“Who were you guarding?”

“No one you know.”

I was struggling with keeping up my end of the conversation while also chewing my breakfast. My face could only handle so much after that beating, and neither of us liked how much I was drooling on the table, so she said she’d talk. We laughed about it, that’s old age for you, the kind of stuff we better get used to, uncontrollable drooling on our eggs. The gradual decline of our bodily functions, I think was how she put it. She said that when working with motorcycles you meet guys who forgo or forget their helmets, one fall and their brains stop working quite the same. They’re still alive, but everything is messed up. The worst of it, well, that stuff is just plain tragic — broken spines, blindness, the cement simply taking your skin right off your body. But then there’s the minor stuff, well, relatively minor. The kind of stuff you don’t hear much about or it becomes myths and legends but its all true — guys lose all sense of direction, will just ride in circles around a block thinking they’re on a full tilt chopper boogie straight north. Or a sense of temperature, as in, they feel extreme cold and hot in mild environments. Some have hyper-sensitivity to noise, have to wear ear plugs at all times. The noise isn’t in their head, it’s just that they’re hearing is extra-sensory, like a super-hero, only this is just a curse that makes normal life a living hell. Most of them can never ride again.

Gwen was eating her cereal and bananas. I could tell by the way she held her spoon right up to her mouth and could still maintain eye contact with her mom that she was listening to everything.

When the sun finally came up Vicky said she had to go to school, but that I was welcome to stay the day and rest. “Gwen’s friend will be there around 8 to take her to school. She’ll be fine until then.” She wrote down a number on a piece of paper. “This is the number for Hadrian. He’ll be here around nine. He comes twice a week, helps out around the house.” Then she wrote another. “And that one is mine.” She smiled, touched my face tenderly, then winced. I couldn’t feel a thing. “Sorry. I thought…it’s so spongy. Maybe you should go to a hospital.”

“No, I’ll be alright. I’ve had worse.”

I laid back on the couch, let the apartment spin around me. I imagined I was the center of a clock, two hands spanning outward from my chest, swinging in circles around me. Gwen was the big hand, twirling around, unquestionably thrilled to be alone in the house. She was singing, asking me questions and never waiting for an answer. Like whether there’s a boardwalk around every ocean and if the moon’s always in the sky even in daylight. Eventually there was  knock on the door, Gwen squealed and ran to open it, said hi to her friend and the two of them ran off, slamming the door on the way out. My face still pulsed raw, the blood vessels blocked up, no where for the rivers to run, the pressure all built up. I stood up to try to reroute the blood, to no avail. I looked through throbbing holes in my head at her book collection, then her family photos. There was a man in some of them, but most were just pictures of Gwen. I only made it about five minutes before I collapsed back on the couch and fell into that sweet semi-conscious state that I’d learned to love in my middle age.