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meltingheartsandcores · 4 years ago

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This is a wangxian Yoi au, or it was going to be, I wrote the first chapter. Then realized I don’t know how to write skating, I don’t know anything about figure skating, and I feel like I should not be flying blind in this. Also, creativity got fried. Which sucks.

But, I figured you might enjoy reading the first chapter, and idk if it's because i wrote it but I find it's fine to read on it's own.

Story under the cut, I do hope you enjoy.

“Huaisang, why are you calling me at midnight?”

“Excuse you, it’s one am. And you didn’t respond to my text. Check your messages and watch the link I sent you.”

“Fuck no.” Despite Wei Wuxian’s words, he grabs his computer off his bedside table and sits up, “What’s the video called?” Wei Wuxian asks as he pulls up youtube.

”Uhhh,” there was some tapping, ”okay, english is Lan Wangji attempts Wei Wuxian’s Confusion.”

The name made Wei Wuxian perk up as he quickly types and searchs for the video. “Why didn’t you just tell me it was Lan Zhan?” He wouldn’t have grumbled.

”Just watch!” Wei Wuxian rolls his eyes at Nie Huaisang’s excitement but plays the video, muted because Jiang Cheng will kill him for waking him up at midnight. Wei Wei Wuxian was pleasantly surprised throughout the whole video, and also curious as to when Lan Zhan learnt it so completely. It had been his freestyle at Worlds two nights before, the one that earned him gold, again. He had changed it to work with his current condition and still earn him gold, but that just meant it was more complicated stepping he had perfected and a bunch of quads- not nearly as much as he normally did but, enough. Lan Zhan had changed his quads to triples.

Wei Wuxian could only point out one mistake. He rewatches it to see if there are any others. They’re aren’t.

“He fucked up one of the salchows.” Wei Wuxian states, watching the video for a third time. That was generous, he wobbled a bit too much on the landing. Madam Yu would’ve called it a complete fuckup and made him redo the entire program. For a practice it wasn’t bad, especially since Lan Zhan seemed distracted still.

Nie Huaisang groans on the phone, ”That’s all you have to say?”

“Hey. He’s the one who didn’t call me.”

”And now he’s dancing your stupid love letter!”

“It was not-“ Wei Wuxian is stopped by a pillow hitting his face, falling back onto his bed. “I have to go, I woke Jiang Cheng.”

Nie Huaisang giggles and hangs up with a singsong, “Good Luck!”

Wei Wuxian sits back up, chucking the pillow back onto Jiang Cheng’s bed. The lump that is his brother doesn’t move. Just an angry grumbled, “Get the fuck out of the room if you’re going to be awake.”

Wei Wuxian could go back to sleep, but he’s more interested in Lan Zhan right now. So he shuts his laptop, pulls on a jacket, and leaves the room with his phone in his pocket and his laptop under his arm in his fluffy bunny slippers. He goes down to the airport and sits at his gate, opening hs laptop back up to watch the video again. They were flying out to Italy in five hours. Well. wei Wuxian and Uncle Jiang were, Jiejie and Jiang Cheng were flying back to Canada in ten. Jiang Cheng had made their room decisions because if Wei Wuxian and Uncle Jiang shared they would’ve left without saying goodbye. In Wei Wuxian’s opinion, it’d be better to say goodbye before they went to sleep instead of waking everyone up at six in the morning, but he was promptly told to shut up.

Wei Wuxian calls Nie Huaisang back as the video plays, it’s impressive. And Wei Wuxian has always loved Lan Zhan’s skating. It made the Grand Prix all the more odd.

”It’s a love letter.” Nie Huaisang says in lieu of a greeting.

“It was not a love letter.” Nie Huaisang made a doubtful sound. “It was a letter of why the fuck did you never call me? I gave you my personal number and whitelisted you. Why did you never contact me?”

“So… an unrequited loveletter.”

“Why am I friends with you?”

”Because I helped you shave off Lan Qiren’s awful goatee.”

Wei Wuxian chuckles at the memory, Teacher Lan had been so pissed. “Hey… do you think he has any relation to Lan Zhan?”

”I do blackmail, not familial relations. If I did, you wouldn’t have spent five years calling Xiao Xingchen Jiujiu as a joke only to find out it was very appropriate.”

Ah, yes, the most awkward celebratory dinner in Wei Wuxian’s life with his uncle and grandmother.

“You and I both know I called him Jiujiu because I forgot his name and it was the first thing that came to mind.” Nie Huaisang cackles, fully aware that when Wei Wuxian forgot peoples names, if he didn’t hate them, he immediately went to familial relations.

It’s how Nie Huaisang’s older brother is forever Da-ge to Wei Wuxian. And how half his competitors are variations of cousin and uncle. Those that don’t speak chinese are typically confused but assume it’s a nickname until someone (Jiang Cheng typically) tells them they are now the son of Wei Wuxian’s father’s brother. Or something of the like. Those that speak chinese typically return the favour. For example, Xingchen called him Wai Sheng as often as Wei Wuxian would call him Jiujiu.

”Yup. And then you finally met your grandmother. Hands down, best World Champions I’ve ever been to.”

“Oh fuck you. Are you going to Italy?”

”Already here. I convinced Da Ge to fly me out right after the World Champs. I have been shopping for days. I love Italy.”

“You love that you can logic your way into drinking wine with every meal.”

”Mmhmm. You don’t normally participate in the Egna Spring Trophy. Why are you coming this year?”

“I like to shock people.” ’I don’t want my season to be over just yet. I don’t want to stop skating.’ “Can you keep a secret?”

”Of course. Did you put shaving cream in Jiang Cheng’s suitcase again?”

“No. He doesn’t let me anywhere near it anymore. I…”Wei Wuxian chickens out. He can’t say it. Not now. “Actually it might be better to say in person. Do you think the video’s a message?”

”What? Oh! Lan Wangji’s? Maybe? What message might he be sending?”

“That he still wants me to coach him next season?”

”You can’t coach someone and participate.” Nie Huaisang remarks. Wei Wuxian stays silent, normally his response would be ‘watch me’, but he can’t. Nie Huaisang gasps at Wei Wuxian’s extended silence. ”You can’t”.

“I’ll talk to you about it in Italy.”

”Have you told Coach Jiang?”

“No. Not Jiang Cheng or Shijie either. Don’t say anything. I’m still…”

”Yup. Got it. Lips are sealed.” Wei Wuxian sighs in relief, he’s not sure what he was worried about, but he’s grateful Nie Huaisang isn’t telling anyone. Not until Wei Wuxian says it himself. ”And, I guess the video could be a message. Maybe he lost your number? And it’s not like you told him you whitelisted him. Maybe he thought you were joking and didn’t want to risk rejection? I’ve asked Da ge but he told me to shut up and not bother him so…”

Oh right. Wei Wuxian forgot Da Ge was friends with Lan Zhan’s brother. “Meanie. But you know where he is right?”

“Yup. But Da Ge told me not to tell you. Didn’t want you bothering the Lan brothers or something.”

Wei Wuxian hums, “What a shame.” Nie Huaisang couldn’t tell him where Lan Zhan was. But, he could tell Wei Wuxian about Lan Zhan’s home.

”Mmhmm. There’s a wonderful hot spring in Gusu. As well as a cold spring that’s supposed to promote healing. I always find that afterwards, I’m too busy warming up to really care about any injuries.”

Wei Wuxian chuckles, Gusu huh? “Never heard of it.”

“No? It’s a rather small city. Not very well known. The hot spring I go to is called Hanshi.”

“...Frost Room?” Odd name for a hot spring.

”Mmhmm. I think it’s ironic or something? You know, a hot spring frost room? Who knows? We both know I didn’t ask.”

Wei Wuxian nods, “Mm. Maybe after Triglav I’ll pop over.”

”Making this season count I see.”

“I just want as many gold medals as possible. I’ll let you get some sleep. I am going to get started on coaching notes.”

”I’ll send you whatever videos I have of Lan Wangji. See you soon.”

“Mm.” Wei Wuxian hangs up and pulls up his note-app to start taking notes as he watches Lan Zhan’s video again. Noting places where Lan Zhan could do with improvement. There weren’t many, but Lan Zhan hadn’t focused his training in the same areas Wei Wuxian did. In some areas he was actually better at Wei Wuxian’s program than he was. Particularly with the stepping. More precise and fine-tuned than Wei Wuxian’s own. If Wei Wuxian had given Confusion to Lan Zhan he probably would’ve netted a higher score than Wei Wuxian. If he could land the quads at least.

_-3 weeks later-_

“Gusu is so nice. So warm. So not Canada.” Wuxan says to Nie Huaisang over the phone as he waits for the cab he arranged to pick him up from the airport.

Nie Huaisang’s laugh titters over the phone, “You’re not in Gusu yet. Gusu is a mountain city.”

“Ah, so the temperature will be back to normal. Good.”

”Tell Xichen-ge hi. I did not warn them you were coming, so, have a fun surprise!”

Wei Wuxian laughs, “I will. How’s Da ge?”

”Very annoyed that I told you where they live. And not accepting the fact that I didn’t tell you where they lived. I told you of a wonderful hot spring in Gusu and upon research you found it was owned by Lan Wangji’s brother. How can I be blamed?” Nie Huaisang actually seemed offended.

Wei Wuxian laughs at his friend. “Well, at least he’s not making you do hockey.” Nie Huaisang screeches, making Wei Wuxian laugh harder.

”He would never.”

“Didn’t he initially put you in hockey? Who’s to say he won’t put you back in?” It’s a joke, but Nie Huaisang is silent on the other end. And then Wei Wuxian can hear him running through his house.

”DAGE!” Wei Wuxian pulls his phone away at the yell, but puts it back once the yell is over to hear whatever else Nie Huaisang says. There’s some muttering that Wei Wuxian assumes belongs to Da ge.”You wouldn’t put me in hockey, right? Even if I fail Ice Dance?” There’s complete silence on the other end. But Da ge must’ve said something, or made a certain expression because Nie Huaisang screeches, offended and scared, “Da Ge!” Wei Wuxian laughs at his friends' misery and offence. He always feels a little bad for Da ge at events since he’s typically the only hockey player there and very few figure skaters bother to hide their dislike of hockey players. Typically it’s vice versa too, but when Wei Wuxian and Nie Huaisang go to Da ge’s games they tend to keep away from that subject. As much as possible. Except that one year one of Da ge’s teammates called Figure Skater’s prissy princesses and Wei Wuxian attacked him and had to be pulled off by Da ge.

He was fourteen. Nie Huaisang took a video.

Wei Wuxian stops laughing enough to notice his cab and met the driver, putting his phone in his pocket to drown out Nie Huaisang’s crying. After a quick chat, his luggage was put in the trunk and got in. He pulls out his phone and puts it back to his ear just as Nie Huaisang starts calling Da ge mean.

”How could you scare me like that?” Da ge was laughing in the background.

“Older brothers. It’s what we do best.”

”Meanie.” Was hissed at Wei Wuxian. More mumbling Wei Wuxian couldn’t make heads or tails of before Nie Huaisang speaks again, ” Da Ge wants to talk to you.”

“He’s not putting me in hockey is he?”

”Uhhh, da ge? Are you putting Wei-xiong in hockey?”

Da Ge was close enough to the phone Wei Wuxian could hear his reply, “Can I? He’d do damn good.”

“Don’t joke! I’m too fragile for hockey!” Wei Wuxian protests with a pout. “What did Da ge want to talk about?”

”Don’t harass Xichen and Wangji. If they tell you to go. Go. I don’t care what Wangji said at the Prix banquet, leave him alone if he wants to be left alone.” Da ge orders.

“Roger roger.”

“Wuxian.”

“I got it. I won’t bother them if they don’t want to be bothered. If he says no I’ll book a flight tomorrow and head home. Or to your place. Or to Xingchen’s. Bottom line I’ll leave if they want me to.” He won’t overstay his welcome.

”Good. Good luck.” With that, Da ge hangs up.

_-Gusu-_

“How was lessons?” Lan Xichen asks as Lan Wangji returns from the rink with Lan Sizhui and Lan Jingyi in tow. The five year olds loved skating. So when Lan Wangji returned from his complete failure at the Grand Prix, he had taken over their skating lessons at Cloud Recess at their insistence.

“They improved. How was business?” Lan Wangji asks as both kids run upstairs.

“Adequate. We have one guest currently. Actually, he asked for you by name.”

Oh. Great. “Did he say why?”

Lan Xichen shakes his head, he probably didn’t ask. “Just said to tell you. He also said if you don’t want to talk to him he’ll leave.”

Lan Wangji shakes his head, “No. I’ll talk to him.” He hopes it’s not a fan. Or one of Coach Zhong’s students come to ask him back in place of Coach. Lan Wangji just wanted to take care of his rabbits and ignore the world until his failure is forgotten. Lan Xichen smiles, probably remembering that just last month Lan Wangji told him he didn’t want to talk to anyone.

“Good. I’m going to make sure the tykes are not causing havoc upstairs, watch the front for me?” Lan Wangji nods at Lan Xichen’s request, allowing his brother to rush up the stairs.

Lan Wangji had just sat down at one of the tables, intent to get some work done. He was working with the library in Cloud Recess with translations, it didn’t pay well, but he enjoyed it and could do it in between helping Lan Xichen out at the Hanshi.

But before he could pull his laptop out, a guest came into the main room. Lan Wangji looks up to greet them but the words die on his tongue, eyes widening a fraction as he took in Wei Wuxian, half naked, with his hair in a towel. Well, he had a jacket on that wasn’t shut, so he wasn’t technically breaking the rule about being undressed outside the springs, but his incredibly toned chest was still on full display. Lan Wangji could feel his ears burning, and was very thankful he rarely blushes on his face.

A smile split across Wei Wuxian’s lips, “Lan Zhan.” ’What?’ “I wanted to talk to you.” Wei Wuxian falls to his knees on the opposite side of the table than Lan Wangji. Lan Wangji nods, although he was still stuck on ’Why is Wei Wuxian calling me by my given name? How does he even know it?’ Somehow Wei Wuxian’s smile got brighter. Which Lan Wangji felt was just unfair and rude. He’s trying not to panic here. “I want to coach you for next season.”

What.

Fuck trying not to panic.

What?

“Why?”

“I saw your video. Your stepping is very impressive. But you need to work on your jumps. Although you seem to learn quickly since you were able to learn Confusion in just a few days.” Lan Wangji would like this conversation to stop and rewind. What video?! He only danced Confusion once! And- oh fuck. Lan Jingyi is corrupting his perfect child. Wei Wuxian was still talking. Lan Wangji missed a portion. “-so I figured I’d come down to offer my services as coach.”

“Are you not competing next season?”

Wei Wuxian looks surprised, “Ah, I guess you don’t get much news out here.” Lan Wangji has been avoiding most skating news. He only watched the Worlds because Lan Jingyi and Lan Sizhui demanded it. “I’m taking a break. I’m twenty-three and have won every single competition I’ve been in for five years, got bored. And then I saw your video and decided I wanted to help you win the Grand Prix.”

What.

“What’s your current work out regime? I have some ideas but I don’t want to overwork you. Also, where’s the rink and can we schedule private time to practice?”

“Wei Wuxian-“

He cuts Lan Wangji off, waving his hand, “Call me Wei Ying.”

Okay.

“Wei Ying. You cannot take a break just to coach me.”

“Yes I can. But I didn’t. I was going to be taking a break this season anyways. If I hadn’t seen your video I might’ve let Da ge talk me into hockey.” Wei Ying shudders theatrically, “I’m too delicate for hockey.” Lan Wangji would disagree. Lan Xichen showed him the video of Wei Ying beating up a hockey player nearly twice his size. “If you don’t want me to coach you, I’ll leave. But if you do… I already have plans for your programs. And areas to improve.”

It was tempting. To accept the offer. Last year's Grand Prix had been Lan Wangji’s first venture into international competitions. He was used to national and local competitions. But after the complete failure of last years Grand Prix he wasn’t sure about returning to the international stage. However, Wei Ying had a lot of experience in the international stage. He’d been competing in International Competitions since he was thirteen. An entire decade.

Lan Wangji nods, “I accept.”

Wei Ying’s smile gets impossible bright. “Perfect.”

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homespork-review · 5 years ago

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Homespork Act 1: The Note Dawdling Tension Plays (Part 1)

A young man stands in his bedroom. It just so happens that today, the 13th of April, 2009, is this young man's birthday. Though it was thirteen years ago he was given life, it is only today he will be given a name!

CHEL: Here we see the first page, and are introduced to our protagonist, ZOOSMELL POOPLORD! Sorry, I mean John Egbert. The joke names used as a running gag, and also the actual names which end up applied to the characters, were the suggestions of the players of the original forum game.

BRIGHT: Homestuck does start out strongly in several ways. It immediately establishes the protagonist and location. It sets the tone it will use, one based heavily on a text adventure computer game. It introduces the reader to the inventory system...

And here the first feature of Homestuck becomes apparent: although a hugely popular and widely known webcomic, it is very slow to get going. The new reader who arrives on the recommendation of others ends up scratching their head and wondering if they’re in the right place.

TIER: In ancient times (so somewhere in 2014/15) I actually attempted to read Homestuck to see what the occasional weird noises the name caused were going on about. I'm very certain that I didn't even make it to meeting any of the other kids I was so bored.

CHEL: Same here. It took me two or three attempts to get to that point. The problem is that the intro is left over from its days as a forum game, in which no one was expecting it to lead into the epic story it became. It worked great for that format, but less well now. And here we start on our first counts.

GET ON WITH IT!: 1 HOW NOT TO WRITE A WEBCOMIC: 2

How Not to Write a Novel lists multiple errors which could be said to apply here:

The Waiting Room - wherein the story is too long delayed Here the writer churns out endless scenes establishing background information with no main story in sight. On chapter 3, the reader still has no idea why it’s important to know about [the background info, in this case how badly John fails at using technology]. By chapter 7, the reader would be having strong suspicions that it isn’t important, were a reader ever to make it as far as chapter 7. Zeno’s Manuscript - in which irrelevant detail delays narrative momentum Any scene can be killed by description of every meaningless component of whatever action the character undertakes. As in Zeno’s Paradox, in which an arrow never reaches its target because it must always travel half the remaining distance, the reader begins to feel as if the end is further and further away.

A comic about a kid failing to master a video game inventory system is mildly amusing once, but not when it drags on this long, and it’s not particularly fitting for an epic adventure involving the fate of universes. Well, that’s not quite fair; introduction to mundane life and slow revelation of the magical goings-on works fine for books like the Harry Potter series. But, to take Philosopher’s Stone as an example, multiple different odd things happen over the course of Uncle Vernon’s regular boring day, increasing in scale until it’s very clear something strange is going on, and establishing multiple aspects of the wizarding world, e.g. owls, their fashion, the existence and disappearance of a mysterious villain, the fact that the wizarding world is supposed to be secret.

John fucking about with his sylladex and putting up movie posters for page after page doesn’t tell us anything new. Failing to use the sylladex once would be enough to get the point that magical video game inventories are a thing in this world and John’s not very good at using them across, and then we really ought to move on, and we can already see the posters on his walls so we don’t need to see him hanging more. Possibly we could have needed the latter in a purely text format where we couldn’t see the walls, or in a comic without text description at the bottom where attention would need to be drawn to them on-panel. Admittedly, it does establish him picking up the hammer, which becomes relevant, but we don’t need a full page each for both the action of him picking up the hammer and the action of him hanging the poster.

… Who hangs a poster with nails, anyway? His walls must be in a hell of a state.

For that matter, that’s another HNTWAN entry or two:

The Second Argument in the Laundromat - a scene which occurs twice NEVER use two scenes to establish the same thing. We do not, under any circumstances, want a series of scenes in which the hero goes to job interviews but fails to get the job, or has a series of unsuccessful dates to illustrate bad luck in love. This works in the movies, where three scenes can pass in thirty seconds, but not in a novel. The Redundant Tautology - wherein the author repeats himself If you have made a point in one way, resist the temptation to reinforce it by making it again. Do not reexpress it in more flowery terms, and do not have the character reaffirm it in dialogue […] This point is worth repeating; don’t reiterate. HOW NOT TO WRITE A WEBCOMIC: 4

Additionally, people with a lower tolerance for “lovable clumsy dork” characters are going to come to hate John before the comic’s even started, though it’s probably best that people who are going to hate the main character learn that quickly so they can leave. I can understand not wanting to lose the forum game which originally spawned the comic, the other people involved would probably not be pleased, but perhaps it would be better saved as a side story and trimmed down when the comic proper was released. At least they could be compressed down by showing multiple failures and multiple poster-hanging actions on single pages.

One other minor gripe might be the neologisms, such as “sylladex” meaning inventory. I found it fairly easy to pick up and it does make the tone and narration nicely distinctive, but it’s a level of extra complication. How Not to Write a Novel has a couple points on excessively baroque wordplay - do you guys think it’s worth giving it a point for that?

BRIGHT: Possibly not in this case - wordplay is a feature of HS and this one is at least made fairly clear. There are plenty of offenders later on as I recall though...

CHEL: Okay, seems fair. In this case it is more of a feature than a bug. It does establish the narrative voice and add to the video game theme. However, the movie posters also bring up an addition to our third count.

Plus, a black president? Now you’ve seen everything! WHITE SBURB POSTMODERNISM: 1

A reference to the song “White Suburb Impressionism”, by IAMX…

"IAMX - 'White Suburb Impressionism" (Watch on YouTube)

… this count goes up whenever characters behave in a way which suggests they’re, well, white and suburban (or wealthier), despite any attempts to present them otherwise. This would have passed without comment, but Hussie later tried to claim he’d always intended the kids to be “aracial”, so any reader could project themselves or their preferred headcanons onto the kids. As we’ll show you, we don’t believe him, or at least don’t believe he succeeded. That would probably be difficult to pull off, anyway. Race affects a lot more than features on a stylised sprite.

FAILURE ARTIST: Now, I can’t quite put my finger on it but John’s and Dave’s opinion on black presidents in movies (that it’s a gimmick ruined by Obama’s election) feels like something that would only come out of a white mouth i.e. Andrew Hussie’s. Not the most egregious case of implied whiteness but still worth noting.

CHEL: The point of the joke here is not 100% clear, and that’ll be a thing which comes up later as well. See, I agree that’s Dave’s opinion, but I thought the point was that John genuinely didn’t know there was a black president at the time of writing because he’s already been established to be not exactly a genius and so far he’s been focused on movies and video games instead of real life. Maybe I’m underestimating him, though, since admittedly not very much of him has been shown at this point and it’s been a while since I read the whole thing. I’m not going to start using the ARE YOU TRYING TO BE FUNNY count here, though, because here Hussie clearly was trying to be funny. It just isn’t clear to me what about it was supposed to be funny. That’s probably my autism talking, though. Jokes are hard. I agree that it sounds like a white kid’s opinion either way - even the dimmest black American kid would know Obama existed, and so most likely would non-black people of colour.

Anyway! Things pick up a bit when John, under the username ectoBiologist, starts chatting to the second character to be introduced, currently known as turntechGodhead, though the second topic of conversation is a reference to a 1989 movie which, as time goes on, will be familiar to fewer and fewer readers. Luckily, the writer realises this, and the content of the conversation makes the reference sufficiently clear without falling into As You Know dialogue.

FAILURE ARTIST: Namely, their conversation is about a scene where - pardon me for being gross but it’s in the comic - a character accidentally ingests urine instead of apple juice. John and TG are surprised the character knew it was urine but I find it weird that someone with working smell would not know what it is. Urine has a distinct odor.

CHEL: Well, be fair. According to the drawings, the characters in question don’t have noses!

FAILURE ARTIST: On a more pertinent note, this conversation is an edited version of one Hussie and a friend had. Perhaps Hussie was TG? TG is practically an Author Avatar for Hussie. Sure, Hussie literally appears in the comic later, but TG seems to fit his true personality better. We’ll see how that affects things for better or for worse.

BRIGHT: This is also the reader’s introduction to the Pesterlog. This is one of those things that seems like it should be out of place in a webcomic - it’s just a page of two people talking to each other in chatlog format, with no other information - but the Pesterlogs actually work surprisingly well.

FAILURE ARTIST: When I first read Homestuck, I didn’t know you had to click on the Pesterlog to open it. I just sat around wondering what amazing conversations they were having. I’m not the only one I think who made that mistake.

CHEL: Yeah, I think I briefly had the same problem, but I don’t remember for sure. Possibly more attention could be drawn to the button.

TIER: I would've probably ended up in the same boat if the friends that recommended I read Homestuck didn't specifically tell me not to accidentally overlook them!

CHEL: That’s not exactly a writing error, so I’m not sure it falls under our jurisdiction, but it’s a point that ought to be brought up. The Pesterlogs do work well once the reader actually sees them, anyway. It’s actually pretty interesting to see how much information can be conveyed in a conversation without falling into As You Know Bob. Let’s check what points are introduced in this first one, for example:

- John really loves what he got for his birthday, a Little Monsters poster. From this we know he’s not spoiled (this is how you do it, Meyer) and easily entertained, and likely has a good home life, as he’s so happy and grateful about a gift from his dad.

-turntechGodhead has apple juice in his closet. This establishes his odd home life, and gets explained in more detail later.

- Some things about the personalities of both kids. John is enthusiastic and a joker, TG is mellower, sarcastic, rambles a bit, and at least plays at being cool.

- John really wants to play the SBURB Beta, a game mentioned earlier which is late being released. TG is less keen, again trying to be cool about it.

- Said game got “slammed” by critics, despite the fact that we learned earlier from John’s SBURB-logo calendar that this game has been hyped to hell and back and must be popular, with merchandise and reviews being released before even the beta version of the game is out. Something weird is going on; someone really wants a lot of people to play this game.

Not bad considering a total lack of body language reference or narration. Das Sporking’s seen authors using traditional narration do worse!

FAILURE ARTIST: The (adult) critics of Game Bro get into shenanigans that prevent them from playing the game they reviewed. Perhaps there’s something in the game that prevents itself from being played by adults, just like how adults can’t pilot Evangelions in the anime Neon Genesis Evangelion.

CHEL: Not sure. Doesn’t one of Dad’s online friends play it, or at least get caught up in it, later on? Though that part’s obviously supposed to be a joke… Maybe instead it’s a built-in way to stop anyone who might be listened to warning others what it does?

As established earlier, said beta is late; this is a reference to the originally planned launch date of the comic, three days before it actually ended up being released. Also, there’s a pun you may have missed in the background. The programming files on John’s desktop include the phrase “^CAKE”. The ^ symbol is called a carot. Get used to noticing those. It’s pretty amazing how many references, self-references, puns, and recurring themes are worked in, and people such as revolutionaryduelist have made semi-careers picking them all out. We won’t bother with all of them or we’ll be here all century, but we’ll pick up on any obvious ones.

FAILURE ARTIST: Hussie majored in computer science so there’s lot of computer science in-jokes in the beginning.

BRIGHT: Something I just noticed: One of the other files on John’s desktop is ‘TYPHEUS’. It even has a Denizen icon! Probably something that has been brought up plenty of times before, but still nifty on a reread.

CHEL: Typheus and Denizens will come up later in the comic.

TIER: When he feels like it, Hussie is immensely good at foreshadowing later events in pretty subtle but solid ways. It's stuff like this that makes times when he does fumble look worse than they probably are in comparison.

#homestuck #review #let's read #reread #literary critique #sporking #homespork #homestuck meta

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abundantchewtoys · 6 years ago

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HS Epi: Meat p22 reaction

So, John was doing something vaguely relevant to the plot.

Does that mean that whatever that was in the wallet for him to find, wasn't relevant? Or did Dirk really skip to a point in the future in his narration? I'd think that if a living person was captchalogued in the wallet, that'd be plot relevant.

If so, I wonder if it's more than one. But we're not likely to catch up with both Aradia and Terezi in one go. Also, I doubt Vriska somehow captchalogued herself in this wallet to escape the clutches of gravity. Well, except maybe if after reverse engineering the code for the wallet, she also alchemized a regular wallet besides the 8-ball/wallet combo.

But that makes me think of something else. I wonder what the max storage space of the wallet is... If it's functionally infinite, they have a functionally infinite singularity of questionable intent that might be in need of cleaning up at one point. :P Though it's doubtful.

---

"You’ve been drifting so long that you’ve lost the ability to objectively judge time or depth or distance. It’s getting hard to think about yourself as an objectively limited being. The boundaries of your skin begins to thin and disappear." Oooh, is it the lack of milestones in that plane, maybe, that's causing this introspection? Or is it just part of his ascension to his ultimate self?

"If your perception expands beyond the meat sack of your body, then are you really an individual anymore? Why shouldn’t we become gods? Why shouldn’t we become one God." Sounds like something Dirk might say - I know, funny because Dirk IS saying this, in John's stead. Alternatively, if Alternate Calliope is really malevolent, this might be her motivation to devouring everything ever. She wants to become UNIVAC.

"You scrunch up your nerdy face and furrow an eyebrow. It seems you aren’t enjoying this train of thought." John's intrusive thoughts are next level.

"Sorry, dude. That’s what’s on my mind right now. I’m having a phenomenological debate in my third ear that’s way more popping than your little hero’s journey into the belly of a quarter-life crisis." For a minute I thought he meant he was debating this with Kanaya, but he put her on hold so I was like: :? Then I realized he said "third ear", I guess that's something akin to the mind's eye, in that he's currently using the narration for his internal monologue.

"It turns out you don’t have time to worry about the voice inside your head, because you hear one outside of it." Ooh! Someone living, one we expect to be out here? And there Dirk goes, burying John's emerging awareness again, for a moment.

"At first you don’t think it’s real." ... Please don't be Alternate Calliope.

"MEENAH: yo blue guy MEENAH: get the shell down here"OOOOOH! She's alive!! ... Well, no, she's still dead, but you know. She survived Lord English, and the Black Hole. Girl's really got spunk. So, that brings her back in the running for candidates for John to give the ring to. ... Speaking of. Did John just, like, shrugged off Lord English's tooth, or is the poison still in his body?

I'm glad we saw her, it means that more people could have survived that were around before the battle (alive or dead), as well as the B2 kids that died during the battle! But uh... What even is still sustaining their existence? I mean, the dreambubbles were created to house them, only Sollux was able to leave through mumbo jumbo class/aspect magic.

"Your whirl around, upside down. You look up, then down. There she is." Hah, yeah, no point of reference, no gravity, so indeed, she could have been every where, relevant to him, that's also why she shouted "down here"!

"She’s clinging to a random server beacon, looking a little the worse for wear but still grinning. You float on down to greet her." Tsssh, she located the server running the LE code??? What could they even do with that, anymore. (How did it even survive.)

At least, I'm guessing it's that server, not the server hosting Rose's walkthrough. :P

So yeah, uh, that server was connected to Doc Scratch's study. In the Green Sun. ... Has it become a non-letal shortcut to Alternate Calliope now?

"JOHN: thank god. i was beginning to think that no one else was alive. MEENAH: im not alive" Hah! Ba-dum tssh.

"JOHN: oh right. sorry. JOHN: i’m glad to see you, is what i meant to say. MEENAH: same MEENAH: i fuckin guess" Yeah, not many of her friends will be left, probably. If any.

"She narrows her blank eyes. Her mouth twists into a frown. Not quite a concerned one, but close enough. You’ll take it." Is she noticing John has become an adult? ... Or yeah it might just be general concern, the situation is alarming enough. I wonder if she knows about Vriska? And what that exactly means to her, 16-year-old Vriska probably being dead for good.

Oh boy, but this is so cool, she's got potential for just as much as the Condesce, who had ties to Lord English. I wonder if she'll be instrumental in the final stages of the epilogues, if Alternate Calliope ends up being the/a end boss.

Can't shake the idea I'd like her to end up on Earth C, but then she'd not have a good role to play in a utopia, I think. But then what is her role in the story from here on out, exactly.

"MEENAH: damn buoy ya look like S)-(IT JOHN: yeah, i know. JOHN: i suffered a mortal wound, and then i threw up on myself." He didn't get better so much as that he walked it off.

"MEENAH: waterboat lord english MEENAH: he bite the bullet or what JOHN: yeah he’s... JOHN: he’s pretty fucking dead. MEENAH: whale MEENAH: theres that at least

There is definitely that, at least." Must feel like an anticlimax to Meenah too, probably. She wasn't around to see the guy bite it that was responsible for their own universe being forced to be scratched.

"You were kind of hoping you’d discover a survivor you could have an actual conversation with. Not that you aren’t glad to see Meenah, but you don’t /know/ her, and she’s not who you were really looking for." Funny how Meenah grew on John so much, what with how she ran him through on at least two occasions. I was thinking at first John was looking for Vriska, but that's just an automatism, a left over from when John still felt something for her. Of course, I forgot about Jade.

"That reminds you. JOHN: hey, uh... JOHN: mee... JOHN: fish? JOHN: (christ.)" Is that supposed to be a fish pun in her name, him using one cause he knows she likes them? Or is it that Dirk may remember Meenah's name (hearsay, in his case, since he's post-retcon - then again, ultimate self), but not John. :P

"JOHN: have you by any chance seen jade around? MEENAH: who da fuck is jade"PFffff, hah! Now she gets a chance as well to broadcast her ignorance in the names of the people in the other parties. 'THEY'RE ALL NAMED CARLOS AS FAR AS I'M CONCERNED.'

"JOHN: i mean, REALLY? JOHN: you don’t know jade?" The time she spent a lot of time dreaming in the dreambubbles was before the A1 trolls ever became relevant. On the three year trip, the indication seemed to be they just met a lot of A2 ghosts from alternate timelines in their dreams.

"JOHN: jade’s like, a big deal? JOHN: i thought you were kind of important too?" Well, different circles. Top of class vs. top dog on the play yard.

"MEENAH: you didnt even know my name dog" He knew you were an alternate to Betty Crocker, though. :P

"You’ve never been accused of having stellar people-reading skills. But even you can tell the look on her face says it all right now." Well, just be glad he isn't Jake, or even a death glare wouldn't suffice.

"JOHN: wait a minute. JOHN: do you even know MY name? MEENAH: uhhh" Pfffff, hah! Actually, valid question. What with how she referred to even her friends by last name (okay, that's because they weren't revealed yet), and had all those nicknames for them (and Karkat and Aradia)... Maybe she's just really bad with names.

"MEENAH: like MEENAH: joke? MEENAH: joke somefin" Wrong bespectacled nerd, but I can see why she'd mix them up. :P Close enough, though!

"JOHN: joke is my biological father. JOHN: i mean JAKE! JOHN: jake is his name." No, I think jokes might actually have fathered you. :P What with how he's a trickster and all.

"Halfway through this exchange, Meenah pulls out a small, clamshell-shaped accessory kit, and begins to file her nails." This is starting to turn into an awkward schoolyard conversation between classmates that don't really know each other.

"She almost dislocates her jaw by yawning the moment you mention Jake." Which is funny because Jake could've dislocated her jaw when he pounced on her when he thought she was past Condesce. :P

"You decide to do her, as well as yourself, the favor of completely ruling out the possibility of eliciting any valuable information from this person." No, Dirk, I do think she still has an ace up her sleeve, even if she doesn't even know it yet. But at least maybe now they'll acknowledge the server?

"MEENAH: i aint moved from this floatin hunger trunk lookin piece of shit since i got my bass kicked" Hah, yeah, it does look like a fridge, in Andrew's art style. :P

"JOHN: well, you’re the first i’ve seen too. MEENAH: oh" I wonder who she might have wanted to find, besides Vriska.

"JOHN: so what’s your plan now?" Don't think she has any left, now. You'll have to lead, Johnnyboy.

"JOHN: you just gonna hang around here, in the middle of nowhere, doing nothing forever? MEENAH: thats what ghosts is most good at aint they" It wasn't what she set out to do, initially, though! She hates inertia.

"JOHN: you don’t have to stay here. JOHN: i can take you back with me, to my planet." Aha! It would have all sorts of implications, of course, since she didn't "win" by any measure. So the victory state would not account for her presence. It won't happen just yet, of course.

"Meenah stares at you for an uncomfortably long time. She looks you up and down, like she’s making certain calculations. On the one hand, spending infinity clinging to a fridge-like space computer circling a black hole sounds like a drag. On the other hand, will her coolness and street cred be able to survive any prolonged association with this dumb blue nerd? That’s what she could be thinking, you think. You hope not though, because if true, it would hurt your self-esteem." I give Meenah more credit than that - her attitude is part of a facade - but she could indeed be thinking exactly that. On the other hand, she might actually genuinely not know if he's "fo' real", one, and two, what she'd even do on his planet. ... Also, is John really asking a girl over to his place? He truly IS an adult. :P

"She finally appears to make up her mind. MEENAH: naaah" Hah, as if it's a drag for her. And what's her motivation then?

"MEENAH: ok for one thing genius MEENAH: im dead" Well, that's not a problem, though she wouldn't know. John still has the Ring of Life with him. But I wonder what the other reason is.

Hah, Blaperile points out that Meenah at one point told John specifically not to give her the ring, cause she didn't like how she turned out as Condesce. Right, she might think living is no longer her thing. Which is hilarious for a Life player. Still think John might make the proposition.

Also, she thinks she might not fit in with the others, but she doesn't have to worry. They're all disasters, one and all.

"MEENAH: i wont even last on your planet ill just like MEENAH: fade away or some shit MEENAH: i dont know what happens to ghosts in real places actually but ima guess it goes somefin like that" See also: what ever happened to Aranea after Game Over. :P

"MEENAH: anyway while you was floatin there i came up with my own plan" ? There's not a lot of options here, really. The Black Hole... Mugging John... Lazying about...

"JOHN: what is it? MEENAH: cmere MEENAH: gonna whisper it to you" Option A) she screams. Option B) she mugs him for the ring. Option C) she'll stab him again, assuming he's another hologram self.

"You lean in rather credulously, and bring your ear toward her cupped hand. MEENAH: (nerd)

You pull back, unamused by the prank. What is this, you think. Fucking amateur hour?" Hah, chances are high she just swiped the ring. Or the wallet. Once a Thief... But heheh, still funny how Meenah likes to prank. Seems like Condesce and Sassacre really found one another. :P

"MEENAH: reel cute you wanna be my savior blue boy MEENAH: but the fact is you already helped me out MEENAH: got everyfin i need from you MEENAH: sea ya round sucker! 38)" She putting the ring on now? But uh, she'd spawn on Earth C, right? Or right there?

"She’s laughing her ass off. Before you can react, she jams the button down on the beacon and opens the server. She jumps into the hatch and the door snaps closed behind her." ... What! WHAT??? ... She's not in cahoots with Alternate Calliope, is she? She might just be trying to defeat the end boss herself. At least, if the server still leads to where the Green Sun used to be.

"Oh shit." ... It doesn't lead to Dirk now, does it?

"I think I know what just happened. You might want to check your pockets." So, if she took the wallet and not the ring, that means what's inside the wallet is relevant to the plot!

"Sure enough, it’s missing. The Ring of Life you stole back from Aranea has been re-stolen. Bitch just picked your pocket. You got played, man." Wow. So she's actually decided to go through with getting resurrected. ... Although it could actually be for Alternate Calliope, but then what would even the implications of her resurrection be?? It would be a parallel to how Condy worked for LE. But if there's two alive Calliopes that ended up on Earth C, I suspect there might be an impersonation at one point.

Yeah, so if both wear a Ring of Life/Void... Maybe that'd have funky repercussions as well. Not to mention they're both versions of the same "ultimate self" - although 'our' Calliope's not a god tier, there might be a bleedover again, like with Jade. But Alternate Calliope might want to dispose of Calliope, if she wants to become the only version of them. Then again, she did specifically tell her other to go and enjoy life.

---

I wonder if it'll become relevant at any point that having everyone in the dreambubbles follow you would supposedly grant you the boon of resurrection. Since there's so few people left out here, it seems like it could have become a feasible thing to do. In fact, it might be that this is represented by Alternate Calliope's resurrection, if events really play out like that: Meenah might be the only other ghost left. Unless there are still the other A2 ghosts we're missing, from the character list.

#homestuck #upd8 #reaction #spoiler alert #homestuck epilogues #homestuck liveblog #john egbert #meenah peixes #alternate calliope

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gabriellakirtonblog · 6 years ago

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Your Ultimate Guide to the Best Personal Training Certifications in the United States

A certification doesn’t make you a good trainer. But it is the baseline qualification that allows you to work.

Many gyms won’t hire you unless you’re certified. And if you plan to train actual clients, you should be able to pass an entry-level training exam.

But passing the exam can seem easy compared with deciding which one to take in the first place.

That’s why we’ve assembled this master list of the top 16 personal trainer certifications in the U.S., weighing the pros and cons of each, to bring you the most comprehensive roundup of certifications you can find.

All are accredited by reputable organizations, suitable for beginners, and recognized by major commercial gyms. But that’s where the similarities end. You’ll find a wide range of price tags, study materials, exam requirements, and recertification needs.

We’ll take a deep dive into these criteria, highlighting some of the standouts from our list as we go. Finally, we’ll compare all the certifications in a handy chart at the end of this article.

CONTENTS

What qualifications do you need to get a personal trainer certification?

How much does a personal trainer certification cost?

How long does it take to get a personal trainer certification?

What are the personal trainer certification study programs like?

What are the personal trainer certification exam requirements?

How long are personal trainer certifications good for?

Does it matter if the personal trainer certification is accredited?

What’s the best personal trainer certification?

Top Personal Trainer Certification Comparison Chart

What qualifications do you need to get a personal trainer certification?

While many of these certifying bodies offer advanced and specialized certifications, our focus here is entry-level certifications. They’re best for those just starting their personal training careers. None require any degree or experience beyond high school.

If you do have a college degree, you could consider a more advanced option. For example, we list the National Strength and Conditioning Association’s personal trainer certification—the NSCA-CPT—which requires a high school diploma. But if you do have a bachelor’s degree (even if it’s not in an exercise-related field), you can go straight to the better-known and more prestigious CSCS.

Eligibility requirements vary from one program to the next, as you’ll see in our chart below. But in most cases, you’ll need to meet some or all of these prerequisites:

At least 18 years old

This makes sense, since most insurance companies won’t cover trainers who aren’t yet old enough to vote.

High school education

Nearly all want you to have your high school diploma or a GED.

CPR/AED certification

These are commonly combined into one program and easily attainable in one day.

Valid photo ID

You’ll need it to get into the testing center to take your exam. But if you’re 18 and don’t already have one, you probably shouldn’t consider a career in personal training.

How much does a personal trainer certification cost?

Getting certified can cost anywhere from $200 to $2,000, if you include study materials and other bells and whistles. And if you intend to stay certified, you’ll also want to factor in those costs. (More on that in a moment.)

The National Academy of Sports Medicine offers the most expensive study package on our list; its $1,999 all-inclusive package includes a 90-day job guarantee, 80 hours of hands-on experience with clients, and a step-by-step program to help you get started in the industry. But while the NASM is one of the most credible certifying bodies, paying more doesn’t guarantee prestige. You can get the priciest study packages from the American College of Sports Medicine (ACSM) or NSCA—arguably the two most recognized organizations—for much less.

And with many of the certifications, you don’t have to pay for any study materials beyond the textbook.

A lot of the certifications offer payment plans, and many run regular promotions. For example, the National Council on Strength & Fitness (NCSF) has sales with as much as 40 percent off its $500 sticker price.

If price matters to you, check online for special offers. Many offer discounts for college students, health club members, and military members and veterans.

How long does it take to get a personal trainer certification?

Certification programs can take weeks, months, or even years to complete, depending on the program and your personal pace.

ACSM and NSCA let you study as long as you like. Academy of Applied Personal Training Education (AAPTE) and National Personal Training Institute (NPTI) courses have pre-established schedules, so you go at the program’s pace. Others give you a time limit before your exam voucher expires (typically three months to a year), and you can take as long as you want within that window.

A tip for procrastinators: Commit to a date

“Knowing myself, I would have procrastinated and made excuses to avoid studying,” says Francis Neric, the ACSM’s national director of certification. “So I registered for an exam on a specific date, and that helped me prioritize my time and efforts.”

What are the personal trainer certification study programs like?

Do you prefer to study at home or in a classroom? Are you a bookworm or a hands-on learner? Do you like the convenience of digital or the tangibility of print? Answering these questions honestly can help inform your choice.

For example, the ACSM’s PrepU identifies your weak areas and adapts the study guide to focus on them. The American Council on Exercise offers a one-of-a-kind program called ACE Answers in which you get real-time help from study coaches through multiple channels, including live events and a Facebook group.

For a full-blown college experience, the AAPTE offers a six-week course culminating in a certification exam on an actual campus in New York. Students split their time between the lecture hall at Hofstra University and a nearby state-of-the-art fitness center, where they implement what they’ve learned.

Another unique option is the NPTI’s six-month course combining classroom instruction with hands-on practical experience at various locations around the country. CPR and AED certifications are included, so you don’t need them going in. And unlike every other organization on our list, NPTI graduates earn a diploma, not a certification. If you really hate exams, this is the pick for you.

What are the personal trainer certification exam requirements?

Most exams are done on a computer and proctored by a third party. However, some can be done online from home. Typically, you’re looking at 100 to 150 questions and about a two-hour time limit (give or take).

One test, however, is very different. To get certified by the American Fitness Professionals & Associates (AFPA), you must first complete 25 “assignment questions” with scenarios you might face as a trainer (such as program design), before moving on to some 250 to 300 questions. Luckily, you have 28 days to complete the online exam.

How long are personal trainer certifications good for?

For all but the NPTI, certifications must be renewed every one to four years. Recertification requires a specified number of CECs (continuing education credits) or CEUs (continuing education units), which are the same thing. Each organization has a different formula for figuring out how many you need, and how to calculate them.

You can fulfill them in multiple ways—attending seminars and events, taking quizzes, writing books or journal articles, or getting additional certifications.

Does it matter if the personal trainer certification is accredited?

Almost all the certifications on our list are accredited by the National Commission for Certifying Agencies, which is considered the most credible. But even if a credential doesn’t have the NCCA stamp of approval, it should be accredited by a reputable third-party organization. If it isn’t, it probably doesn’t meet objective standards for an educational program.

What’s the best personal trainer certification?

Wrong question.

What matters is which one is best for you. If, for example, you want to work for a particular facility or company, find out which credential they require or prefer. If you know you want to get into a specialized type of training, or work with a specific population, find out which certifications you need to get started.

Otherwise, think of certifications as stepping-stones. Each helps you gain knowledge, and proof that you acquired it. But ultimately, it doesn’t really matter which one you have. Clients certainly don’t care. What matters is what you do with it.

Top Personal Trainer Certification Comparison Chart

Cert. bodyAAPTEACEACSMACTIONFull nameAcademy of Applied Personal Training EducationAmerican Council on ExerciseAmerican College of Sports MedicineACTION Personal Trainer CertificationEst.1996198519542014Best forThe science nerd. Combines scientific theory with hands-on training at Hofstra University in NYC.The one-on-one learner. Question? Just ask a study coach on Facebook or in a live virtual study session.The customizer. Lots of study options, including a quizzing program that gets harder as you improve.The bargain buyer. The most affordable certification that’s accredited by the NCCA.Exam-only cost$295$399Members: $279 Nonmembers: $349$99 plus $75 proctor feeStudy materials$995 (includes exam), plus $305 for prerequisite anatomy courseFrom $699 to $999 (all include exam)Textbooks: $49 to $78. PrepU study program: $65 to $95. Webinars and workshops also available.Packages for $99 to $249 (excludes proctor fee; platinum plan includes lifetime certification)Pre- requisites17 years old, valid ID, CPR/AED, anatomy course for those with no prior anatomy training18 years old, valid ID, HS/GED, CPR/AED18 years old, HS/GED, CPR/AEDCPR/AEDLength of program6 weeks; live course includes 58 classroom hours, 18 hours hands-on trainingUp to 6 monthsNo time limit, but PrepU levels are available for 3 months, 6 months, 1 year, or 2 yearsNo time limitTest procedure2.5 hours, 130 questions3 hours, 150 questions2.5 hours, 150 questions150 questions, 2.5 hoursRetest cost$110$199$175$75Recert. termsEvery 2 years, 15 CECs (at least 5 must be from AAPTE)Every 2 years, 2 CECs (equal to 20 hours of continuing education)Every 3 years, 45 CECs (equal to 45 hours of continuing education)Every 2 years, 2 CECs (equal to 20 hours of continuing education)Recert. cost$85$129$45$65, or free for platinum plan members

Cert. bodyAFAAAFPAIFPAFull nameAthletics & Fitness Association of AmericaAmerican Fitness Professionals & AssociatesInternational Fitness Professionals AssociationEst.198319941994Best forThe virtual virtuoso. Online course with video lectures, downloadable study guide, and online exam.The military vet. Offers reimbursement for military members (and spouses) on all 200 certifications.The self-starter. Primarily self-study, and you work with the testing dept. to set up your exam location.Exam-only costNo separate price listed$250$349Study materials$499 (includes exam), plus $79 for official textbookFrom $499 (includes exam)Packages from $449 to $1,049 (all include exam)Pre- requisitesValid ID, HS/GED, CPR/AED18 years old, HS/GED18 years old, HS/GED, CPRLength of programUp to 1 yearUp to 6 monthsUp to 6 monthsTest procedure120 questions plus practical portion; internet, webcam, and microphone required25 assignments (e.g., program design) plus 250 to 300 questions; 28-day time limit; test done online1 hour, 40 minutes; 105 questionsRetest costUnclear$75$75Recert. termsEvery 2 years, 15 CEUs (equal to 15 hours of continuing education; 2 CEUs must be from AFAA courses)Every 2 years, 16 CECs (equal to 16 hours of continuing ed)Every year, 12 CEUs (equal to 12 hours of learning); up to 6 can come from outside IFPARecert. cost$99 for 2 years, or $329 for life$85$25

Cert. bodyISSANASMNCCPTFull nameInternational Sports Sciences AssociationNational Academy of Sports MedicineNational Council for Certified Personal TrainersEst.198819871995Best forThe rookie. Includes free professional website, job search assistance, and money-back job promise.The post-rehab trainer. Stresses muscle imbalance and corrective exercise to suit a diverse clientele.The commercial trainer. Emphasizes gym-specific skills like how to approach people on the gym floor.Exam-only costNo separate price listed$599$240, plus $79 proctor fee (or $25 for online)Study materials$799 (includes exam)Packages from $699 to $1,999 (all include exam)Packages from $480 to $640 (all include exam but not proctor fee; 2-day live workshop available)Pre- requisitesHS/GED, CPR/AEDValid ID, HS/GED, CPR/AED18 years old, valid ID, CPRLength of programUp to 6 months (2-month extension free on request)Up to 180 daysUp to 6 monthsTest procedureInfo unavailable; reps say the exam is undergoing changes and they will update us when ready2 hours, 120 questions2 hours, 140 questionsRetest cost1st retake free, $50 after that$199$99Recert. termsEvery 2 years, 20 CEUs (equal to 20 hours of continuing education)Every 2 years, 2 CEUs (equal to 20 hours of continuing education)Every 2 years, 2 CEUs (equal to 20 hours of continuing education)Recert. costFree if credits earned via ISSA. Otherwise, $99$99 for 2 years, or $329 for life$75

Cert. bodyNCSFNESTANETAFull nameNational Council on Strength & FitnessNational Exercise & Sports Trainers AssociationNational Exercise Trainers AssociationEst.199519921977Best forThe academic. College-level theory meets critical thinking in a course taught at more than 200 schools.The techie. Maybe the only program that teaches you to use tech, like heart-rate monitors, for peak results.The niche coach. Hone expertise with specialty certifications like barre, kettlebell, or senior fitness.Exam-only cost$299$349$349Study materialsPackages from $499 to $585 (all include exam; some include 2-day workshop)Packages from $399 to $997 (all include exam)Packages for $79 or $199 (exam excluded), or from $399 to $499 (exam included).Pre- requisites18 years old, HS/GED18 years old, valid ID, HS/GED, CPR/BLS18 years old or HS/GED, CPR/AEDLength of programUp to 6 monthsUp to 90 daysUp to 1 yearTest procedure3 hours, 150 questions2 hours, 125 questions2 hours, 120 questionsRetest cost$99$199$99Recert. termsEvery 2 years, 10 CEUs (equal to 20 hours of continuing education)Every 4 years, 4 CEUs (equal to 40 hours of continuing education)Every 2 years, 20 CECsRecert. cost$75$149$55

Cert. bodyNFPTNPTINSCAFull nameNational Federation of Professional TrainersNational Personal Training InstituteNational Strength and Conditioning AssociationEst.198819971978Best forThe lifelong student. User-friendly recertification program includes some free CECs.The hands-on learner. Features practical experience in a fitness facility.The coach who aspires to work with athletes (“strength and conditioning” is in the name).Exam-only cost$199Not applicableMembers: $300 Nonmembers: $435Study materialsPackages for $349 or $449 (both include exam)Varies by locationPackages from $287 to $507 (all exclude exam)Pre- requisites18 years old, HS/GED18 years old, HS/GED, application plus $75 fee, clean bill of health from physician18 years old, valid ID, HS/GED, CPR/AEDLength of programUp to 1 year6 months full-time, or 1 year part-time (weekends only)Self-paced, though 6 to 9 months recommended for total beginnersTest procedure2 hours, 120 questionsNo test. Grads earn a diploma and may choose to take an exam from a separate certifying body3 hours, 155 questionsRetest cost$119Not applicableMembers: $300 Nonmembers: $435Recert. termsEvery year, 2 CECs (equal to 10 hours of continuing education)Not applicableEvery 3 years, 6 CEUs (equal to 60 hours of continuing education)Recert. cost$85Not applicableMembers: $65 Nonmembers: $90

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fitono · 6 years ago

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Your Ultimate Guide to the Best Personal Training Certifications in the United States

A certification doesn’t make you a good trainer. But it is the baseline qualification that allows you to work.

Many gyms won’t hire you unless you’re certified. And if you plan to train actual clients, you should be able to pass an entry-level training exam.

But passing the exam can seem easy compared with deciding which one to take in the first place.

We’ll take a deep dive into these criteria, highlighting some of the standouts from our list as we go. Finally, we’ll compare all the certifications in a handy chart at the end of this article.

CONTENTS

What qualifications do you need to get a personal trainer certification?

How much does a personal trainer certification cost?

How long does it take to get a personal trainer certification?

What are the personal trainer certification study programs like?

What are the personal trainer certification exam requirements?

How long are personal trainer certifications good for?

Does it matter if the personal trainer certification is accredited?

What’s the best personal trainer certification?

Top Personal Trainer Certification Comparison Chart

What qualifications do you need to get a personal trainer certification?

Eligibility requirements vary from one program to the next, as you’ll see in our chart below. But in most cases, you’ll need to meet some or all of these prerequisites:

At least 18 years old

This makes sense, since most insurance companies won’t cover trainers who aren’t yet old enough to vote.

High school education

Nearly all want you to have your high school diploma or a GED.

CPR/AED certification

These are commonly combined into one program and easily attainable in one day.

Valid photo ID

You’ll need it to get into the testing center to take your exam. But if you’re 18 and don’t already have one, you probably shouldn’t consider a career in personal training.

How much does a personal trainer certification cost?

And with many of the certifications, you don’t have to pay for any study materials beyond the textbook.

If price matters to you, check online for special offers. Many offer discounts for college students, health club members, and military members and veterans.

How long does it take to get a personal trainer certification?

Certification programs can take weeks, months, or even years to complete, depending on the program and your personal pace.

A tip for procrastinators: Commit to a date

What are the personal trainer certification study programs like?

What are the personal trainer certification exam requirements?

How long are personal trainer certifications good for?

You can fulfill them in multiple ways—attending seminars and events, taking quizzes, writing books or journal articles, or getting additional certifications.

Does it matter if the personal trainer certification is accredited?

What’s the best personal trainer certification?

Wrong question.

Top Personal Trainer Certification Comparison Chart

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