#it was my first time reading something with 'disturbing' themes and it had a big impact and i loved it so much

[frereamour]

Wow finished a great book and immediately jumped into another one. I'm on the craziest streak of my life

[brunchable]

Under The Mistletoe | B. B.

Pairings: Bucky Barnes x F! Reader Themes: Fake relationship, forced proximity, enemies-to-lovers(ish), rom-com Summary: When your meddling family won’t stop asking about you love life, you roped your arch-nemesis Bucky into pretending to be your boyfriend for Christmas dinner at your parents house. It was pay back for the massive favor he owes you, so he had no choice but to agree. A/N : This oneshot is part of my 4K Follower christmas themed celebration. I hope you enjoy this first one! Thank you so much for reading my stories! Dividers by @saradika-graphics

The smell of pine and cinnamon wafts through the air as you adjust the cuffs of your sweater, glaring at the man currently making himself at home in your parents’ living room. James Buchanan Barnes—your nemesis, your tormentor, the human equivalent of a lump of coal—lounges on the couch like he’s been a part of your family for years. Your mom already adores him.

“James, more eggnog?” she chirps, holding out a festive mug.

“Of course,” Bucky replies with a smile so charming, you almost believe it’s real. Almost.

You, on the other hand, are clinging to your sanity by the thinnest strand of tinsel. He’s only here because he owes you. Big time. And because your family won’t stop asking when you’ll finally settle down and find someone “worth bringing home for Christmas.”

When you roped Bucky into this charade, you expected the bare minimum. A few fake smiles. Maybe holding your hand once or twice. What you did not expect was him waltzing in here, winning over your family, and actually knowing things about you.

“Y/N hates marshmallows in her hot chocolate,” Bucky says smoothly, stopping your dad mid-scoop. “She’s all about the whipped cream.”

You freeze in the doorway, clutching a tray of cookies like a lifeline. How does he know that? You never even told him that. Your dad raises an eyebrow at you, impressed, while you try to recover from the shock.

“Right,” you stammer, narrowing your eyes at Bucky. “Because you’re so attentive.”

He smirks, the twinkle in his eye more annoying than any Christmas light you’ve ever seen. “It’s a gift.”

× × × ×

The cozy living room, aglow with soft Christmas lights, feels oppressively warm. Not because of the crackling fire or the wool socks your mom forced everyone to wear, but because Bucky’s presence next to you is positively suffocating. His thigh, firm and annoyingly warm, is pressed against yours, and every time he shifts, your nerves jolt like a live wire.

“You’re twitching again,” Bucky murmurs under his breath, leaning closer so his lips almost brush your ear. “Relax. If you keep acting like this, your mom’s going to think I broke your heart or something.”

“Maybe I should tell her you’re insufferable, so she kicks you out,” you snap, voice low enough not to disturb the room. Your family is fully engrossed in Elf, but you swear Bucky’s gaze burns hotter than the fire.

“Go ahead,” he whispers back, his breath warm against your skin. “I’m her favorite now, you know.”

You resist the urge to stab him with the candy cane you’ve been holding for the last ten minutes. Instead, you muster your sweetest fake smile and clap your hands. “Well, Mom, it’s getting late, and I think Bucky has a long drive ahead of him—”

Your mom, standing with a tray of cookies like some sort of Christmas matriarch, freezes mid-step. 

“What?” she exclaims, her eyes wide and full of betrayal. “You’re not staying, Bucky? But I prepared Y/N’s room for the two of you!”

The room goes dead silent.

Bucky’s head swivels toward you so fast, you hear a faint crack. 

“She didn’t tell me about that,” he says, his voice strangled with barely concealed panic. He offers you a nervous chuckle, scratching the back of his neck. “Didn’t know we’d be, uh, bunking together.”

You grit your teeth, your face burning hotter than the fireplace. “That’s because I didn’t know,” you hiss, shooting a glare at your mom that could melt Frosty the Snowman.

“How could you make your boyfriend drive all the way out here just to send him back into the snow?” your mom demands, hands on her hips like a Christmas tyrant. “Absolutely not. He’s staying. Come on, Bucky, I’ll show you two to your room.”

“Our room?” you squeak, but your mom is already bustling out of the room, and Bucky, to your utter horror, is rising from the couch to follow her.

He pauses just long enough to lean down and mutter, “This just got a whole lot more interesting, sweetheart.” The grin he flashes is wolfish, and you resist the urge to throttle him with your flannel sleeve.

The room is straight out of a Hallmark Christmas special. The fireplace is lit, the bed is perfectly made with a festive quilt and decorative pillows, and the faint smell of pine fills the air. There’s even mistletoe hanging in the corner, mocking you.

Bucky steps in, glancing around, his expression caught somewhere between amusement and terror. 

“Wow,” he says, stuffing his hands in his pockets. “Cozy.”

Your mom claps her hands together, beaming. “I knew you two would love it. Oh, and don’t worry, honey, I put the extra pillows in the closet in case you need them.” She winks at you, winks, before spinning on her heel and leaving you to your doom.

The moment the door clicks shut, you whirl on Bucky. “Don’t say a word.”

He holds up his hands in mock surrender, but the smirk tugging at his lips betrays him. 

“Oh, I wouldn’t dream of it, doll,” he drawls, wandering over to the bed and plopping down on it like he owns the place. He stretches out, arms behind his head, and sighs dramatically. “Comfy. We’re gonna have a great night.”

You stare at him, horrified. “You’re sleeping on the floor.”

He raises an eyebrow, patting the quilt beside him. “I don’t think your mom would approve.”

You throw a decorative pillow at his face, which he catches with infuriating ease. “This is all your fault.”

“My fault? You’re the one who dragged me here.”

“You owed me!”

“And I’m paying you back,” he says with a grin, tossing the pillow back at you. “With interest, apparently.”

You groan, pinching the bridge of your nose. “I cannot believe this is happening.”

Bucky leans forward, his grin softening just a touch. “Relax, Y/N. It’s just one night. I’ll be on my best behavior.”

Somehow, that promise doesn’t reassure you in the slightest. You glare at him one last time before grabbing a blanket from the closet and stomping to the couch by the fireplace.

“Where are you going?” he calls after you.

“To sleep.”

“Suit yourself.” 

You don’t have to look to know he’s smirking again. You grab another pillow and resist the urge to launch it at his stupidly handsome face.

Merry Christmas, indeed.

× × × ×

The fire had long since died, leaving the room shrouded in a cold that no amount of decorative holiday cheer could banish. You’d been curled up on the couch under a threadbare blanket that smelled faintly of cinnamon and humiliation for hours, but now you were shivering so hard you were worried your teeth might chatter loud enough to wake the whole house.

You shot a death glare at Bucky, sprawled out on the bed like a smug prince in his flannel pajamas, the quilt pulled up to his chin. The nerve of him actually letting you sleep on the couch while he hogged the bed like he didn’t owe you his very existence—or at least this ridiculous favor.

Finally, when your toes felt like icicles and you were seriously debating setting your pride on fire just to warm up, you caved. You untangled yourself from the blanket, muttering curses under your breath, and tiptoed toward the bed.

It would have been stealthy. It would have been smooth. Except your foot made direct, agonizing contact with the solid oak footboard.

Pain exploded through your toe, and you bit back a screech so feral you probably looked like a Christmas banshee. Instead, you crumpled to the floor, clutching your foot and mouthing a stream of silent profanities that would make Santa's naughty list blush.

“Mother F—!” you hissed at yourself, wincing as you hobbled the rest of the way to the bed. You crawled onto the empty side like some kind of injured burglar, trying to be as silent as possible. Your toe throbbed in time with your heartbeat, but you focused on one thing: the warm cocoon of blankets just inches away.

Finally, you slid under the covers, sighing as the heat from the quilt enveloped you. Bliss. Sweet, sweet bliss. Maybe Bucky wouldn’t even notice—

“Could’ve just asked, you know.”

You nearly launched yourself out of the bed in shock, your heart leaping into your throat. “What the—!” you whisper-screeched, clutching the quilt to your chest.

Bucky’s voice, low and laced with amusement, drifted through the darkness. “I was awake the whole time.”

“You—!” Words failed you as your face burned with embarrassment. “Then why didn’t you say anything?!”

“I was curious how far you’d go before giving up.” You could hear the grin in his voice.

“You’re the worst.”

“Debatable. I didn’t laugh when you stubbed your toe.”

“You heard that?!”

“Sweetheart, I think the neighbours heard that.” His shoulders shook with silent laughter as you stared at him, outraged.

“I hate you,” you snapped, yanking the quilt tighter around you and turning your back on him.

But before you could stew in your annoyance, you felt a hand reach over and pull part of the blanket from you, wrapping it snugly around your side. You froze as his voice softened, amusement fading.

“Relax. I don’t bite. Unless you’re still mad about the couch.”

“I am.”

“Noted.” He shifted, and his voice dropped lower, warmer. “Goodnight, Y/N.”

You turned over, your curiosity finally getting the better of you. Facing Bucky’s silhouette in the faint moonlight streaming through the window, you squinted at him. 

“Why aren’t you asleep?”

He exhaled softly, like he’d been waiting for you to ask. Without a word, he reached over and flicked on the small lamp on his side of the bed, filling the room with a soft golden glow. The shadows on his face softened, and he turned to face you fully, propping his head up on his hand.

“I’m not used to a soft, warm, comfortable bed,” he said simply, his voice low and quiet.

That wasn’t the answer you expected. “Why not?” you asked, furrowing your brow.

Bucky’s gaze flickered to the blanket between you before settling back on your face. “I usually sleep on the floor.”

Your jaw dropped. “The floor? Why?”

He shrugged like it was no big deal, like it didn’t hurt to admit. “I have a bed,” he said casually, “but… being uncomfortable has kind of become my normal.”

Your heart sank at his admission. The way he said it—so matter-of-factly, like he didn’t even consider it strange—made something in your chest tighten. You swallowed hard, trying to shove down the wave of sympathy threatening to show on your face.

“Oh,” you said, clearing your throat, but it came out too soft, too affected. You forced yourself to straighten up, busying your hands by tucking the quilt tighter around you. “Well, uh… this bed uncomfortably soft, so, lucky you?”

You wanted to kick yourself for how awkward that sounded. But he didn’t seem to mind. Instead, he just chuckled, his eyes crinkling slightly at the corners. 

“Yeah, lucky me.”

The room fell into silence, save for the soft crackle of the dying embers in the fireplace. You tried to avoid his gaze, but something in the room caught your eye, and you froze.

Dangling right above the headboard, in plain sight, was a sprig of mistletoe. The ribbon holding it swayed slightly, mocking you with its festive cheer.

Your brain scrambled. How had you missed that earlier? Why on earth was it there? Did mom hang it on purpose? Of course she did! That woman was a menace.

You could feel Bucky’s gaze lingering on you, and your heart thumped louder with each passing second. You knew it was only a matter of time before he noticed the stupid sprig of mistletoe dangling above the headboard, so you needed to distract him.

“What are you looking at?” he asked, his brow quirking up in suspicion as he started to turn his head.

“Nothing!” you yelped, throwing the quilt over your face in a panic. “Nothing! Absolutely nothing. Goodnight!”

For a second, there was silence. Then, the soft creak of the bed as Bucky shifted, his voice low and amused. “Wait a second…”

You could practically hear the smirk spreading across his face as realization dawned.

“Oh, would you look at that.”

Your stomach flipped as you slowly peeked out from under the quilt. Sure enough, Bucky was staring right at the mistletoe, his lips curving into the most maddeningly smug grin you’d ever seen.

“Mistletoe,” he said, his tone practically dripping with glee. “Right above our heads. What are the odds, huh?”

“Coincidence,” you mumbled, pulling the blanket back over your face.

He chuckled, his voice warm and teasing. “You know what they say about mistletoe, don’t you?”

“Don’t,” you groaned, your voice muffled by the quilt.

“Oh, but I think I have to,” he replied, and you could hear the grin in his voice. “It’s tradition, after all.”

You peeked out again, glaring at him. “It’s not tradition if we just pretend it doesn’t exist.”

He tilted his head, mock-pondering. “Hmm. Ignoring it feels a little… Grinch-like, don’t you think? And you wouldn’t want to ruin Christmas, would you?”

“I swear to God, Bucky—”

Before you could finish, he leaned in, his face closer than you expected, his blue eyes twinkling with mischief. “What? Afraid you might enjoy it?”

You scoffed, your heart racing. “As if.”

You could practically feel your heart trying to escape your chest as Bucky inched closer, the infuriating smirk still plastered on his face. His blue eyes sparkled with amusement, but there was something else there too—something warmer, more intent.

“Oh, so it wouldn’t bother you at all?” he teased, his smirk widening. “Not even a little kiss?”

“Not in a million years,” you shot back, though the tremor in your voice betrayed you.

“Oh, sweetheart,” he murmured, his grin softening, “you’re shaking. Maybe it would bother you.”

“Bucky—”

But you never got to finish. And just then, he leaned forward and kissed your lips. Warm, masculine lips were pressed to yours. It wasn’t rushed or teasing—it was warm, gentle, and infuriatingly confident. Like he’d been waiting for this. Like he wasn’t the least bit surprised by how perfectly your lips fit together.

Your initial plan was to push him away—firmly, dramatically, maybe even with a good shove to his ridiculously broad chest—but your brain short-circuited the moment his hand cupped the side of your face, his thumb brushing over your cheek. Instead, you melted into him, your traitorous body leaning closer without permission.

It was supposed to be a simple, obligatory mistletoe kiss. But the way he kissed you made the world tilt, his lips moving with a deliberate tenderness that made your stomach somersault. He felt you quiver beneath his touch, but he wanted to comfort you—his tongue delved your mouth slowly and you parted your lips willingly and welcomed him. This was enough encouragement for Bucky; he sucked your tongue sensually, and you nibbled his lower lip.

Every kiss he gave felt like a slow unravelling and intense, as if he was savouring the act as much as the reaction it drew from you. Bucky’s fingers traced along your jaw, tilting your face toward him with a tender authority that left no room for hesitation. His thumb brushed over your cheek in a soothing rhythm, contrasting with the heat and urgency of his lips. When he pulled back, his eyes locked with yours—dark with desire, soft with something unspoken—before he leaned in again, claiming your mouth once more.

You let him in, your lips parting as his tongue slipped past, tangling with yours again in an unhurried, sensuous dance that sent shivers down your spine. He tilted his head, exploring every curve of your mouth, his kisses leaving a heated trail that set your skin ablaze. Your lips found their way to his jawline, pressing soft kisses along his stubble, the faint roughness amplifying the sensitivity of your own. When you returned to his lips, the hunger in his kiss mirrored your own as you teased his tongue with yours, your movements bold and enticing.

The shift in your energy didn’t go unnoticed. You felt him tense, his restraint hanging by a thread as he deepened the kiss, his body pressing into yours. His hands gripped your waist, anchoring you in place as his kisses became hungrier, pulling quiet moans and ragged breaths from you. The sound of your pleasure seemed to fuel him, his control slipping further as he pressed closer, his arousal hard and insistent against your thigh, a tangible reminder of the tension thrumming between you. Every kiss, every touch, felt like a declaration, his desire spilling over and igniting something equally fierce in you.

When he pulled back it almost felt like he had to force himself to but he stayed close, his forehead almost brushing yours. His eyes searched your face, his smirk gone, replaced by something quieter, something more serious.

“Well,” he said softly, his voice lower than you’d ever heard it, “guess the mistletoe’s not so bad after all.”

You blinked, your breath hitching. “Have I told you I hate you?”

“And yet, here we are,” he teased, though his smirk was softer now, his thumb still brushing your cheek like he hadn’t realized he was still holding you.

You pushed his hand away—gently, because you were not going to think about how good it felt—and flopped back against the pillows, groaning into the quilt. 

“This doesn’t mean anything.”

“Of course not,” he said with a chuckle, settling back onto his side of the bed. “Just a harmless little kiss. Totally meaningless.”

You peeked out from under the quilt to glare at him, but the way he was looking at you—soft, amused, and maybe a little too smug—made your pulse spike all over again.

“Goodnight, Barnes,” you muttered, burrowing back into the covers, determined to ignore the way your lips still tingled.

“Goodnight, doll,” he replied, his voice warm with amusement—and something else you didn’t want to think about.

The room fell quiet again, save for the faint crackle of the dying fire. But as you lay there, trying and failing to stop replaying the kiss in your head, you realized one thing: mistletoe was officially the most dangerous Christmas decoration of all time.

tags: @lomlbuckybarnes @mrsbuckybarnes1917 @winterslove1917 @hzdhrtss @mostlymarvelgirl

@missvelvetsstuff @unaxv @carnal-vogue @bmyva1entine @wheredidiputmyfish

@thereoncewasagirlnamedjane @wanda-widow @filmologetica @awaywithtime @Thealyrs

@greatenthusiasttidalwave @winchestert101 @strawberrybisou @unaxv @asgards-princess-of-mischief

@fynnwolff @veronicapaula

[bvidzsoo]

Under the pretense (1)

The second installment of Popular boys? Overrated ♡

❝𝔜𝔬𝔲 𝔥𝔞𝔳𝔢 𝔟𝔢𝔴𝔦𝔱𝔠𝔥𝔢𝔡 𝔪𝔢, 𝔟𝔬𝔡𝔶 𝔞𝔫𝔡 𝔰𝔬𝔲𝔩, 𝔞𝔫𝔡 ℑ 𝔩𝔬𝔳𝔢, ℑ 𝔩𝔬𝔳𝔢, ℑ 𝔩𝔬𝔳𝔢 𝔶𝔬𝔲.❞

Author: bvidzsoo

Pairing: Jeong Yunho x female reader

🎭Warning: cursing, very slight mention of being suicidal 🎭Word count: 6.2k 🎭Genre: humor, cliché themes, 90's rom-com vibes; University!au; Popular guy!au; Sport!au; Enemies to Lovers!au 🎭Rating: nc-17 🎭Summary: What was supposed to be the best time of your life turned into something more bizarre and only slightly fun. Don't get me wrong, having to share your theater class out of the blue with popular guy Jeong Yunho, to most, didn't sound like the worst idea, but to you...yeah, you would've been more grateful if the principal found other methods of punishment for her son's misbehavior.

A/N: Hello, lovelies! I present you the start of Yunho and our MC's story, I hope it caught your attention and you'll stick around for the next two parts. You can also check out Seonghwa's, which happens in the same universe, it's in the series m.list. The taglist is open, so just lmk in whose part you'd like to be tagged. I made a visual board and playlist for the series, so check them out as I still update them! ^^ Thank you for reading and let me know what you thought of this part, I love reading your feedback! divider

Taglist: @anxiousskylar @philijack @alienvibecheck @yunhosfairy

♡ Series M.list ♡

꧁༺ Visual Board ༻꧂

♫ Playlist ♫

            I had always been a dreamer, a child with big sparkling eyes, eager to discover the world and its wonders. My parents had always considered me naïve and way too kind, but I found life easier to navigate if I remained humble and kind to those around me. I was not too fond of loud spaces and huge crowds, I would much rather prefer smaller circles where everyone came together to spend their time in silence. That’s how I discovered my elementary school’s reading club. I had been young and disoriented after a strenuous P.E. class when walking down the hallway, pushed into a door by two bigger boys as they chased each other down the hallway. The door I was slammed into wasn’t closed, so I very ungraciously fell inside a classroom in which five people sat in a circle, in silence, with books in their hands and candy on the round table. Eyes fell onto me, mostly surprised, and I blushed as I sputtered my apologies, embarrassed and wanting to hide away as I had disturbed their peace, but my curiosity got the better of me. The teacher in the room made sure I was fine and asked whether I wanted to join them when she noticed me staring longingly at the book in her hands. I didn’t say no to her.

And really, that’s how my love for literature and theatre sparked, evolving into a passion by the time I reached my high school graduation. I knew what I wanted to be, I knew what I had to do next. I had been a theatre kid my whole life, so when my mother rushed inside my room one cool summer evening with my acceptance letter in her hands, I knew my life would change in the next few seconds. Allston Hall University, the dream institution of every student who wishes to become someone important and useful in the near future. I was one of those students, tears streaming down my cheeks due to happiness when my mother read the letter, informing me that I had been accepted and was even the student with the highest grade currently. It was a dream come true, everything I have worked for, my aspirations and hard work were tangible, and I finally felt like I could release the breath of air that’s been constricting my lungs ever since I sent in my application. I was rushing towards the future I wanted, the one I had been dreaming of.

But all good things had a downside to them. Allston Hall University was huge, the biggest in our county, and it harboured various majors and many people, to the point you’d have to watch your every step in the hallways to avoid crashing into anyone. My first day, and week, had been nerve-wracking. People were loud and friendly, sometimes too friendly, to the point I felt uncomfortable in their presence and had to excuse myself to take a moment of solitude. Despite being a theatre kid myself, I felt like the odd one in my circle of people, the one that didn’t fully belong, the one that was a bit different. Everyone around me was outgoing and boisterous, eager to be heard, and even more eager to make more friends. I was quiet and curious, but I liked watching people from the sidelines, assessing a situation from afar before jumping into anything. I liked to meet new people, but I struggled to find common ground with them. I never had many friends growing up, most were surface-level, but the one true friend I did have decided to move counties and start working, instead of following an academic path. There was nothing wrong with that, but our time was limited together and she rarely visited, our friendship has transformed into a long-distance one.

But, to my utmost surprise, I didn’t stay friendless at this huge university for too long. As an extracurricular, I have picked up a Visual Arts class since I have been always interested in it. The class was small and filled with people who dressed better than in any fashion magazine I had seen, all of them having a peculiar aura that I seemed to enjoy a lot. And, to my surprise, they were more like me than my own colleagues. They were quiet, mostly sticking to themselves with big headphones on as they bobbed their heads to the music, briefly greeting you once you entered the classroom. They were mostly art majors, but they didn’t make me feel bad for not being one. A passion was a passion, and they didn’t make fun of you for loving what you loved. However, even here, it seemed that there was someone who wasn’t like the others, someone who was loud and energetic, always laughing and joking with students and professors alike. She was like a happy virus, her happy disposition contagious, and without realizing it at first, I was drawn to her like a moth to a flame. Perhaps it was because we were complete opposites, unlike my closest friend who thought and viewed the world similarly to me, but with Wendy everything seemed to feel like a new experience.

I couldn’t tell when it happened when the two of us became best friends, but it’s been a year since and we were almost inseparable. Wendy loved spending her free time with me, humming to herself and drawing while I wrote sonnets and read through the next play we’d be going through or even performing with Mrs. Jeong. Wendy felt like a fresh breeze, ready to yank me away from my monotonous days, eager to experience something new. I hated amusement parks, but I went to one with her and had the fun of my life, having never screamed or laughed as much as that afternoon. Wendy couldn’t skate, but one snowy evening, I took her to the skating ring and taught her how to find her balance, and through baby steps, she became even better than me. Wendy loved visual arts but she never understood the charm of a book, a play, or a poem, so I brought her along to the reading club I had been frequenting since my freshman year in high school, and it was an unforgettable experience for the both of us, but Wendy concluded that perhaps literature just wasn’t for her. Much similar to my experience, when I let her drag me to Allston Hall’s first baseball game of the year, all excited and giddy to see her favourite players, only for me to conclude at the end of the game that the sport held no interesting elements for me to find likeable or enjoyable, baseball just wasn’t invented for me.

So yes, Wendy and I were opposite sides of the same coin, eager to learn more and discover the world through our own lenses while dragging the other after ourselves. This would explain why we were currently decked out at the bleachers, sitting at the lowest spot as Wendy’s eyes followed the boys while they played a friendly game and warmed up for their very soon upcoming game. Wendy was athletic and loved to get in a good morning run, which she usually did outside the bleachers to catch a peek of when the boys would go in to exercise. It was embarrassing at first, to walk in every second day with her and have the boys gawking at us, but now it was plainly amusing to see Wendy fall over herself whenever one of them acknowledged her. Her father had been a player in a smaller league, so Wendy grew up in the sport, hence her immense love for it. She was convinced the boys on the University’s team were undiscovered gems and she made sure to stick around them until one of them finally asked her out. She thought I didn’t know, but it was rather obvious that her eyes were set on Byun Baekhyun, the biggest trickster on the team with a notorious grip that could send any batter into a spiral when he’d pitch—these were Wendy’s words, not mine.

I continued flipping through the shortened version of Pride and Prejudice as we would soon do a small audition to see who got which role. Mrs. Jeong wanted to do something special and new this year, so there have been added elements to the play—ones that would send Jane Austen into an existential crisis, in my opinion, but Mrs. Jeong likes to think out of the box and considers herself an innovative person—which I agree with, but the play would’ve been best without the modifications done to it. Wendy, sitting in front of me as I had taken the bench between my legs, hunched over my play, sighed dreamily and tapped her fingers against her chin. She was usually a very loud person, but surprisingly she knew when to remain silent, when to give me space and tranquillity to be able to enjoy my reading time. Her short hair stuck to her nape as she decided to run an extra lap this morning, on the verge of hyperventilating when she finally ran inside the arena, spotting me easily as I was the only person in the bleachers while the boys did their warm-ups. Her bag was with me and I knew she refrained from sprawling out on the ground just because Baekhyun was watching her, so I handed her the water bottle with an amused smile. Wendy took it with gratitude and sprinkled some on her face and neck before she took a small sip, chest still heaving from her run.

“That was very sexy of you,” I said with a chuckle as she settled next to me, trying to regulate her breaths as she caught Baekhyun’s eyes, cheeks flushing even deeper as he waved in our direction. Wendy fumbled with her water bottle for a second, then eagerly waved back and pushed my thigh with her elbow to acknowledge Baekhyun as well. I flashed him a smile and gave him a curt nod, which he returned before the coach blew his whistle and called out his name to get him to focus again.

“Don’t make fun of me,” Wendy mumbled, grabbing her towel out of her bag, “my throat was parched and my brain felt like it was overheating.”

“When will you stop finding ways to kill yourself?” I raised an eyebrow and Wendy gave me a look of confusion.

“I’m just pushing my limits, nothing you have to worry about.” Wendy shrugged, taking a sip of her water again, “You know I’m training for the marathon.”

“Right, I almost forgot.” I fixed Wendy with a stare, rather unimpressed as it was impossible to forget that she was training for next month’s marathon. She speaks of it daily, around the same time after she finishes her run and complains about being on the verge of passing out, I’m sure there are other ways of training yourself for a marathon that don’t involve putting too much pressure on yourself and sending your body into despair as it clings to life—a bit dramatic, but that’s what being a theatre kid made of me.

This was half an hour ago, and now Wendy had completely settled down as she was leaned back on her hands, gazing out onto the field as I blocked out the sound of a bat hitting the ball every few minutes, enraptured by the play as I imagined Mr. Darcy standing in front of me, thick eyebrows furrowed and eyes shining with confusion as Miss Elizabeth—me—tells him that he cannot disrespect her whole family and look down on her, and then expect her to fall to her knees and accept his affections. The language was a lot more modern than the one Jane Austen had used, this is where Mrs. Jeong’s crafting comes into play and makes me cringe as Elizabeth is supposed to tell Mr. Darcy that ‘she won’t throw herself at him like every other bitch’, I just knew Jane Austen was rolling in her grave at the atrocity that’s been done to her masterpiece. I could try and convince Mrs. Jeong to modify that part, hopefully, as she’s rather keen on me due to how seriously I take her classes. Cheers erupted on the field and they increased in volume as Wendy gasped next to me, holding her hands together as she was on the verge of shooting up from her seat. The boys were merely training, yet Wendy treated it like a real game every time she got the chance.

“Oh, that’s a home run—” Wendy’s voice was strained, and she sprang up from her spot as the whole team exclaimed, making me lose my train of thought as I couldn’t focus in loud surroundings, “Seungkwan just hit a home run!”

I looked out towards the field as the boys crowded around Seungkwan, forming a circle as they made howling sounds and jumped around, making Seungkwan cackle loudly as he basked in the attention. He was a rather uptight guy, but out on the field, he was simply amazing although he’s never managed to hit a home run until now.

“Oh, this is amazing,” Wendy mused, her eyes sparkling as she clapped away, showing the boys thumbs-up as they turned our way to bow, pushing Seungkwan to the front as he grinned widely, “They’ll ace the next game, Y/N, I can feel it deep in my bones.”

I chuckled but said nothing as I knew this meant a lot to Wendy, and only grabbed her arm to make her sit down when the coach threw her an irritated look. They couldn’t kick us out because we weren’t doing anything illegal or interrupting their training, but I knew the coach wasn’t too fond of two girls always lingering around the bleachers to distract his boys. Not that it was our attention, but I have caught them busy ogling us instead of doing their warm-ups. Wendy was buzzing as she sat down, chewing her bottom lip before she started chewing her nails, making me grip her wrist to stop her as I knew she did it subconsciously. She gave me a grateful smile and I turned back to my play as the boys had calmed down too, going back to their friendly game.

“Do you want to stay for longer?” I asked as I flipped to the next page, eyebrows furrowing as it was Mr. Darcy’s monologue that wasn’t in the original work, “I think I could make use of a coffee right now.”

“Can’t we stay for another fifteen minutes at least?” Wendy asked with a pout, her sparkly eyes widening as I gave her an unimpressed look, “Yunho is up for pitching right now and then it’s Baekhyun again, I promise we can leave once he’s done.”

I sighed but knew I wouldn’t drag my best friend away before she got to watch Baekhyun pitch again, so I just nodded and threw a quick glance at the field. Indeed, player number 04 was up for pitching, Jeong Yunho. His name didn’t leave a distaste in my mouth as I, thankfully, had never had to interact with him, but it was inevitable to know who he was with how huge his reputation had gotten over the last year. We started out at university at the same time, he’s been a baseball player since he was just a child, and he was rising in the ranks rather quickly. He was amazing, even as someone who still didn’t understand how baseball worked, I knew he was good at what he did and he was often praised for his skills. He was the best pitcher the team had—the university has had for ages, at least based on the coach’s words—and he carried himself like a successful athlete would, always smiling brightly with his warm eyes twinkling with mischief-ridden in them.

Sure, Jeong Yunho had a warm and perceiving aura, friendly and even kind, but even those couldn’t stop the rumours spreading of him being a heartthrob. Better said, he was a womanizer. He appeared to be this soft and puppy type of guy, sweeping girls off their feet with his acts of service and soft-spoken nature, but just as quickly as he wrapped them around his fingers, he dropped them without his ‘kind’ smile breaking from his lips, eyes even teary when he told them that he just wasn’t right for them, that they deserved someone better. Behind his innocent mask lay a man who enjoyed playing with others and using them to his liking with a deceiving smile and excuses that didn’t make sense upon another thought. But many girls didn’t care about the rumours, they thought they were simply fake because certainly the sweet and kind Jeong Yunho couldn’t be like that, not with them at least. And that is exactly how they go their hearts broken by the most sought out playboy of our university, from the baseball team at least. The soccer team was even worse, you’d never hear the end of how cool and mysterious Park Seonghwa was. Personally, I preferred my peace of mind and stayed away from both.

I heard the bat collide against the ball with a loud bang, and I could tell it was a strong hit as the boys ‘oohed’, but Wendy just gasped, stiffening in her seat. I paid it no mind as she reacted to every single thing the players did, living in the moment and giving her all to the game—even if just friendly. But some exclaimed alarmed and tried to warn us—or me—of something, but I was too busy ignoring them as my irritation levels were rising. I just really wanted a cup of coffee and silence to be able to finish reading the play before my class later today.

“Y/N!” Wendy’s shrill exclamation made my head snap up, taking in her wide eyes as she gesticulated, only confusing me more. Turning my head to the right, to see what got the boys reacting like that as well, my own eyes widened into saucers when I realized a white small ball was hurling at my face rather quickly. I knew I could dodge it, it wasn’t too late yet, but I felt blindsided as I stared at it, accepting the fact that it would either break my nose or give me a black eye. But someone was moving on the field, had been for a few seconds now, running full speed towards me and the ball. And before it could collide against my face and ruin it, a black glove was in my face, so close that if I puckered my lips, it would’ve touched the fabric. My heart was beating fast and I stared up at the person who caught the ball with wide eyes, exhaling loudly as Wendy yelped and shot up from her seat again.

For a second, it was completely silent, even the coach stood staring at us with an open mouth, whistle threatening to fall from it, but the boys on the field suddenly started howling once again, yelling and calling out my ‘saviour’s’ name. His chest was rising and falling rapidly, lips parted and eyebrows furrowed as his cheeks were rosy from the bite of frost of the morning air, but also from having pitched for the last few minutes. I could feel my own cheeks tinge red from the adrenaline and also from the way the guy’s warm chocolate eyes seemed to melt into mine. Yunho looked pleased that he managed to catch the ball, and his fingers closed around it as he lowered his hand and leaned down a little. My back was rigid as I couldn’t help but blink at him wordlessly, gripping the play tightly in my hands.

“Are you okay?” His eyebrows furrowed more, and his face was ridden with worry as he searched for eye contact. I gulped and averted my eyes, exhaling shakily.

“Yes,” I took a tentative glance at Yunho and cleared my throat, “thank you.”

“I’m sorry.” My eyebrows furrowed as he looked apologetic, biting his bottom lip which was cherry red and plump, “I positioned my arm wrong and I was distracted when I pitched, I almost hurt you.”

“Oh, uhm,” I stared at him for a few seconds as I felt Wendy sit back down and subtly nudge my arm, “It’s fine, you managed to catch it so—good job?”

Yunho chuckled, and I was taken aback by how high-pitched it sounded and how warm his tone was, cheeks puffy and rosy, and definitely giving him this sweet and innocent aura, “Glad to be your saviour despite putting you in harm's way myself.”

I hummed as I found myself lost for words, all the acting classes I had taken flying out the window. There was something about his gaze that made me feel small, made me forget how to articulate my words, “Best if it doesn’t happen again, right?”

Yunho chuckled and I felt embarrassed, but he didn’t look like he meant bad, he seemed simply amused. I was sure he could tell I was flustered and that only made me feel more embarrassed, “Right, I’ll try to keep my eyes off you next time then, focus more on pitching.”

Wendy gasped next to me as I just stared at Yunho dumbfounded, trying not to let my confusion show at the sudden change of events. Well, I was under the impression nobody paid me any mind as I never really paid them any mind, I was here for Wendy and it was pretty obvious.

“Are you reading a play by any chance?” Yunho asked as he looked down at my lap, and I cleared my throat, feeling hesitant as I nodded my head.

“Yeah, Pride and—”

“Pride and Prejudice,” He smiled sweetly, his eyes hidden by his baseball cap, “my favourite.”

I knew Wendy wanted to scream and jump up and down, but she was doing a good job of remaining put and silent. For some reason, Yunho didn’t pass me as the person who would pick up a book, let alone a play, to read, so I just gave him a tight smile and an unimpressed look. I had heard the rumours, and I was sure they were true, I didn’t want to fall for his schemes.

“Right.” My tone was a bit sharp and I knew it took him off guard because his eyebrows twitched, “Aren’t you supposed to be pitching?”

And as if the coach had heard my words, he blew his whistle loudly and shouted, “Jeong, get back on the field!”

Yunho bit his lower lip and grabbed his cap as he nodded his head, winking at me before he was jogging back onto the field, making me grimace. Wendy’s eyebrows were raised and she had a suggestive smile on her face, but I just sighed and shook my head, deciding that I wanted to have coffee now, “We both know he sleeps with every girl and then dumps them right after, so before you get even started, I’m not interested in him at all.”

“But he’s so handsome and tall.” Wendy sighed dreamily and I chuckled, standing up.

“There are plenty of tall and handsome guys at our university, I’ll find myself a decent one, thank you very much.”

“Where are you going?”

“To get my coffee.”

“But Baekhyun hadn’t pitched yet.”

I chuckled as Wendy whined, rooted to her place as I got off the bench.

“Meet me at the coffee shop then, I have class in an hour so don’t stay for long.”

“I love you! Save me a seat by the window!”

I chuckled and nodded, waving Wendy off as she focused on the game again, eyes wide and attentive. I kept to the side of the field so that I wouldn’t be in anyone’s way and walked quickly so that I could be out of the arena swiftly, without angering the coach. Wonwoo, who was the left fielder, threw me a quick smile and I waved at him as I passed by, feeling eyes on the back of my head. I didn’t turn around to check who it was as the coach had spotted me and narrowed his eyes at me. I bowed my head and then slipped out of the arena, less stressed and happier now that I was about to get my caffeine fill of the day.

             The rest of my day had gone well, and I was more than excited to attend my last class of the day, drama class. We’d hold the rest of our courses at the small theatre of the University as Mrs. Jeong wanted us to focus on the upcoming play only, assignments already handed out as our final grade now depended on finishing it on time and also delivering our best in the play, the two grades turning into our final score. I happily skipped down the stairs of the theatre and greeted a few of my colleagues as I settled not too far from the front rows, somewhere in the middle of the row. I liked sitting by myself so that nobody could distract me while Mrs. Jeong gave us advice and coached us on how to deliver the lines, when to put emotion in it and just how much of it. I placed my coat on the chair on my right and left my backpack on the floor as I leaned down to unzip it and grab the play, my yellow notebook, a black pen and a green marker. I heard the door of the theatre close and open loudly, then running down the stairs and shuffling as I straightened up, trying to organize my things in my lap as I waited for Mrs. Jeong to show up.

To my surprise, there was movement on my left and I looked over, curious of who decided to sit right next to me when there were numerous empty seats in the theatre, only to find Jeong Yunho staring back at me with a surprised expression similar to mine on his face.

“What are you doing here?”

“Oh, hey I know you, hi!”

Yunho and I spoke at the same time as I heard the girls sitting a few rows in the back behind us whisper and giggle to each other. Yunho flushed as he pushed his leather jacket off his wide shoulders and settled quietly in the seat next to mine. I continued staring at him with confusion as his legs spread out wide, his head turning to face me.

“You’re the girl from this morning,” Yunho said as he disregarded my question, “I actually see you around the field often, do you like baseball?”

“No.” I deadpanned and Yunho’s enthusiasm died out at once, smiling unsure, “My friend loves baseball so I tag along with her sometimes.”

“Ah, that makes sense.” Yunho’s smile became more confident as his eyes took in my features, making me feel a bit uncomfortable, “And how are you?”

“I’m—fine.” I still didn’t understand what he was doing here, but I wasn’t about to be rude to him, “And you?”

Yunho’s smile widened into a grin, and he threw a short glance behind us when the girls started giggling louder, “Rather good knowing you’re here too. Why are you here?”

I tried to refrain from sighing at his not-so-subtle flirting and occupied my hands as I grabbed my marker and fiddled with it, “I’m a drama major, Yunho.”

Yunho’s eyes widened for a small fraction, cheeks flushing, “Oh, that sounds lovely, I—sorry, I’m just taken aback that you know my name.”

I didn’t mean to glare at him, but he was bad at playing the abashed and shy boy persona, perhaps a few acting courses wouldn’t do him bad, “You’re on the baseball team and I have gone to almost every game of yours, so I think it’s only natural I know everyone’s name on the team, no?” I didn’t let him answer me as I gave him a scrutinizing look, “Besides, you’re quite famous for breaking the hearts of the girls you go out with, right?”

Now, I could tell he was actually flustered as he averted his eyes, biting his bottom lip as the flush from his cheeks spread to his ears too. Yunho’s dark hair was messy and wavy, and he wore his glasses now. The black turtleneck made him look comfy and safe, his dark jeans complementing his long legs nicely.

“Ah, those are just rumours, you shouldn’t believe everything you hear.” He rubbed his nape and looked back at me, “I’m sorry, I never caught your name.”

I sighed and thought about whether I should tell him, but it was only right since I knew his name and didn’t want to look like a prick, “It’s Y/N.”

“Nice to meet you, Y/N.” He grinned widely and extended his hand to shake, “I’m Yunho, but you know that already.”

I hummed and took his hand, a little surprised by how long his fingers were and how much bigger his palm was, it made me blush as I carefully pulled my hand out of his, busying myself with my marker, “So, what are you doing here? It’s a bit weird seeing a sports major here, you know.”

Yunho groaned and I glanced at him to see him rubbing his forehead, “Don’t even tell me about it, it’s completely against my will, if I’m being honest. Not that I hate the theatre or anything, but I’d be much rather doing something else.”

“Well, you can just get up and walk out before the professor comes, you know,” I suggested, nodding my head towards the exit, but Yunho had a solemn look on his face. He let his hands fall in his lap as he intertwined his fingers.

“Actually, I can’t.” He pouted, and I tried not to think of him as a manchild, it wasn’t very appealing, “You see, I might have done something that was against the rules, and this is basically my punishment if I don’t want to lose my scholarship, or worse, get kicked out. I mean, my career would be ruined before I even had the chance to start it, you know?”

I nodded, pretty much on board with what he was saying, “Yeah, that makes sense. Well, it sucks but I still don’t understand why drama class out of all classes they could’ve punished you with.”

“Ugh, right?! Don’t even get me started on it,” Yunho rolled his eyes and adjusted his glasses as he licked his lips, turning his body to face mine, “Like, the principal is totally crazy for placing me in this class! I don’t know why she thought a little play-pretending would fix my attitude—her words, not mine—but it certainly won’t. Like, whatever I did wasn’t even that serious, it’s the fact that the stupid professor can’t take a joke, I didn’t even sleep with his daughter!”

So, this is who the real Jeong Yunho was, unfiltered, and apparently, not as perfect and charming as everyone thought him to be. I chuckled, amused that he’d have to suffer through our drama classes because I knew the outsiders always viewed us as crazy whenever they stumbled through the doors of the theatre, “And how long until your punishment is over?”

“This whole semester, can you believe it?” Yunho sounded annoyed, but his face remained void of any annoyance as he slumped in his chair, looking defeated, “I swear to God, the principal was high on some shit when she threatened to throw me out if I didn’t heed her orders. It’s like—I know she’s my mother but we’re at school, for fuck’s sake! Like—this is university, she can’t punish me like I’m some sort of five-year-old, no?!”

I covered my mouth to try and hide my amusement at his outburst, which got other students chuckling. I meant to answer him, but a rather loud scoff coming from the first row caught everyone’s attention as suddenly they stood, whirling around, hands on their hips. My amusement died down as my eyes widened, staring at Mrs. Jeong in surprise, I didn’t know she was there, I thought she was running late.

“Oh, really, young man?” Her sharp eyes narrowed, and I watched from the corner of my eyes as Yunho’s own widened, mouth falling open, “You think you’re here because I believed whatever that professor accused you of? No, you’re here because you promised me you’d stop fooling around, yet here we are!”

“Mom?” Yunho seemed pale as Mrs. Jeong glared him down, he turned to me with a desperate look on his face, “What’s she doing here?!”

He whisper-shouted as Mrs. Jeong scoffed and crossed her arms in front of her chest. I felt a bit awkward and put on the spot as I nodded in acknowledgement at her, then faced her son, “Mrs. Jeong is the head of our department.”

Yunho’s eyes widened comically and I chuckled as I bit my lower lip, “Uhm, did you not know that your mother is the head of the drama club and department?”

“No!” Yunho whisper-shouted and eyed his mother, who had started to grin in contentment. I could see the resemblance in the two as I looked between the mother and son, their smiles were the same and their cheeks were puffy and almost always rosy. Mrs. Jeong was a lovely and compassionate woman, it sometimes made me wonder why Yunho had such little respect for women when his mother must’ve raised him right.

“If you’re done parading yourself, son, I’d like to start my class, thank you very much.” Mrs. Jeong raised her eyebrows and Yunho grumbled something under his breath as he slipped lower in his chair.

“Sorry, Mrs. Jeong.” He avoided eye contact with his mother and Mrs. Jeong smiled in victory, eyes taking in the place as she counted how many there were of us. I smiled at her when her eyes fell on me and she returned it, clapping her hands once she was done.

“Good, I see more of you joined us—I didn’t count my son in—I hope you’re all ready to rehearse for the play before the auditions, and I’m more than eager to help you all out. Today, I’d like to highlight some of the culminant points of the play and discuss the acting techniques they should be delivered with.” Mrs. Jeong intertwined her hands behind her back and nodded before she went to grab her own copy of the play. Yunho looked helpless as he glanced around the room, sighing long as he peered down at my lap over my shoulder.

“Uh, can you share yours with me?” He grumbled, not so smiley anymore, “I didn’t know what we’d be doing today, I’ll bring my play for the next class.”

“Just this once,” I said with a pointed look and put my copy of the play between us, “I don’t like to share and I like to sit alone, just so you know in the future.”

“All alone?” Yunho asked curiously, “Don’t you like sharing?”

“I like my peace of mind and quiet.” I answered, raising my eyebrows at him, “And I really like to be left alone, Yunho, so don’t try to distract me.”

“Okay,” He whispered as he flipped through the pages, making me give him a small glare, “I’ll be silent, but don’t expect me to survive this whole semester if you ignore me the whole time.”

“Go make friends, I’m sure the girls behind us are more than eager to sit with you,” I muttered with a roll of my eyes, and Yunho grinned as he leaned slightly closer.

“Is that a hint of jealousy—”

“Mr. Jeong,” Mrs. Jeong snapped and we both looked at her alarmed, she was frowning at her son, “Leave Miss Lee alone, yes? Or I’ll make sure to fail you in this class—”

“But mom!” Yunho whined, sitting up straight as he leaned forward, “You can’t do that, I’m not even registered for this class!”

“Really?” Mrs. Jeong chuckled, “Aren’t you?”

“You did not.”

“Oh, trust me, I did.”

Yunho’s mouth fell open in shock, and I had to turn my head to hide my silent laugh as Yunho turned into a whining manchild once again, “You will behave in my class, young man, and you’ll let Miss Lee be, understood?”

“Understood, Mrs. Jeong.” Yunho grumbled under his breath and looked down, a grimace on his face as he muttered something to himself, “I can’t even skip class now, for fuck’s sake.”

A laugh slipped through as I gave Yunho another amused smile and then grabbed my marker, way too amused by how things were turning out to be. Yunho didn’t look too amused but Mrs. Jeong did, and she spoke up with a smile on her face, asking us to flip to the thirteenth page of our play.

I could only hope Jeong Yunho, the Casanova, wouldn’t ruin one of my favourite classes for me.

❱❱ Next act

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[hyunnows]

A LOVE SO BEAUTIFUL | YJI

In which Jeongin watches you chase after Seungmin over and over, waiting for his turn to have your heart.

PAIRING(S) | Jeongin x reader, Seungmin x reader

THEMES | angst, fluff, unrequited love (two of them), best friends to lovers, high school!au, best friend!Jeongin, lots of background characters, based on a love so beautiful (inspired by both versions), embarrassing and slightly humiliating scenes, crying, heartbreak

WORD COUNT | 10k+

RATING | pg

NOTE | I’ve been working on this for so long, I don’t even know why it’s taken so long. Literally like a third of Sugar Sugar written in 10x the amount of time. Anyway, I love the dramas this fic is based on (especially the k ver bc the main lead was more likable imo) and I really hope I did this au justice. Alos, its not meant to be a direct copy of the drama, more like inspired by a few episodes/scenes (you'll be able to tell which ones if you've seen either version of the drama). Anyway, I would like to thank my beta reader @that-crazy-five-foot-two-chick, thank you so much for your help, I really did find all your feedback useful <33333 i hope you all enjoy this! Love you all, ty for all the support <3 have a great day/night!!

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“Hey, Seungmin~!” you call in a singsong voice, cheeks tinted pink as the tall, quiet boy stares at you nervously. 

“Hey [Y/N]…”

Shuffling closer to his ear, you gesture for him to lean down so the other surrounding students wouldn't hear. When he does, you cup a hand around your mouth and whisper. "I like you,” you giggle softly as you back away from him. 

Seungmin scratches his neck awkwardly. "No offense, but I don't like you…sorry.” His face drops as he rejects you in the kindest, bluntest way. 

“O-oh,” you rub your arms as you giggle again. "It's fine!” This time, your bright smile dims, and nobody notices how it doesn't reach your eyes. 

Nobody other than Jeongin, that is. 

Jeongin can see how there's no crinkle beside your eyes or nose as you play your confession off, laughing with Seungmin in an oddly offbeat way. He notices how your shoulders are slumping more now than when he'd encouraged you to confess, and how your head hangs as you shuffle back over to him. 

“So…?”

You frown, biting your lip to hold back your tears. Jeongin doesn't need any more confirmation than that to pull you into a tight hug. He caresses your head as you blink away your tears, an artificial smile on your lips. "It’s fine, I just have to win him over!” 

He frowns but bites his tongue. You can’t help who you love…

And neither can he.

He sighs, "Okay then, but don't be upset when it doesn't work out,” eliciting a shove from you that makes you smile softly as the light fades back into your eyes. 

——

“…and one teaspoon of pure vanilla extract,” Jeongin finishes reading to you, swinging his legs lazily back and forth as they dangle off the counter. He watches you with adoring eyes as you rush to find the vanilla extract, hastily measuring it and mixing it into the cake batter with big eyes. He pretends you’re his girlfriend, scrambling to make him a treat for a date—but as the tangy citrus scent fills his nostrils, it's hard to stay in his trance. He doesn’t like oranges that much, but Seungmin does—and that’s who the orange upside-down cake is for. 

You spoon the batter in dollops onto the oranges in the cake pan, doing your best to evenly cover them without disturbing their positions too much. And once you’ve smoothed the top—as Jeongin had directed you—you’re baking the cake, pulling it out fifteen minutes later to check its consistency and rotate the pan, fully concentrated on your self-assigned task. 

Jeongin continues his loving gaze, taking in your messy flour-covered bun and shirt, butterflies filling his stomach at the view. Something about the dim, warm lights and your adorably focused pout was making his stomach do flips—although it always did that when he was with you. 

When the first cake burns, he offers to help, smiling dumbly to himself every time your hands accidentally graze each other’s and mixing badly on purpose so you’ll come and help him. It’s a wonder how you manage to miss the endless flat-out doting grins he gives you.

“If you keep putting the icing on my nose, we're going to run out of it for the cake,” you giggle every three words as you swipe it off.

He flashes you his braces, leaning closer to you as he dots another glob onto your nose. "Oops, I did it again,” he teases, not minding what he’s sure is a prominent blush on his cheeks every time you playfully push his chest. 

It's only when you're handing the cake to Seungmin that he wishes the whole scenario had never happened, because you two are blushing, and everyone around you is cooing (although he takes the wish back quickly because it was one of his favorite memories)...before being disappointed when he kindly rejects the cake after a quick spoonful, claiming to be full. 

“I know he just didn't want to embarrass me because I'm a horrible baker, but it still hurts,” you mumble against Jeongin’s shoulder, your thumb tracing the outline of the cake box you'd bought earlier. “It must taste awful…”

Jeongin takes the box from your hands gently, pulling a fork from his pocket—don't ask—and stuffing a large bite into his mouth. Truthfully, it wasn't the worst cake he’s ever tasted, and knowing you made it with your own two hands during that wonderful afternoon with him that ended in cuddling on the couch and watching baking shows… oh, he’s prepared to scarf the whole thing down. 

“It's not bad [Y/N], look,” he says, taking another bite and wiping a bit of the caramel onto your nose fondly like he'd done that afternoon, “If he doesn’t want it, it's his loss.”

You flush as he asks to have the entire cake, and of course, you say yes. Honestly, if Jeongin liked it, that was enough. At least it wasn't going to waste. 

“Hey! Stop putting the cake on my nose!”

——

Your tongue peeks out your mouth as you put all your attention on the beads and clear string in your fingers. “Innie, can you help me pick the bead colors?”

“Sure, but doesn't that take away from you making it?” he says bluntly as he taps his cheek and stares at the different hues of beads organized neatly in Hyunjin’s jewelry-making box. “Red and orange.” His newly freed pearly whites sparkle at you in the natural sunlight. 

You scrunch your nose. “I was thinking of a color palette with more purple tones, y’know, because Min likes purple,” you mumble, unaware of his downturned lips at the mention of the older boy's nickname. 

Nevertheless, he's your best friend, so he thinks hard on what would look good with purple, picking out a dull blue and a brighter one, along with a glittery and a glossy purple, deciding it's all worth it to see your dazzling smile. He carefully picks them out in even groups, holding your hand in his as he pours the beads with his other hand, noticing how your breathing gets caught in your throat for a second when your palms connect. 

“Thanks.”

“Anything for you,” he whispers, not daring to say it loud enough for you to hear. His eyes disappear in his gleeful expression, his mind in a delightful daze at the thought that maybe he had some effect on you. You wonder if he can see the blush in your cheeks, but shake the thought away when you realize his attention redirected to cutting his own piece of string, picking out pink, blue, and white beads that he laces quickly and strategically. By the time you've managed to thread barely half of your—Seungmin’s—bracelet, Jeongin’s already tying the knot on his. He stretches it gently to check durability, then tugs at your wrist gently to slip it on, a small sun charm dangling from it. 

In reality, he's just not the type to say such things and do such actions at the same time—he’d much rather tease you—so he puts on a fake serious face and shrugs. “It's nothing, I just didn't want you to pick something ugly.”

Your cheeks warm, smacking him as you whine for a moment. You bring your arm to your eyes to admire the pattern, smiling and hugging his neck happily. "You're the best friend I could ask for,” and he grins back, satisfied with the position. 

“You're the best,” he whispers under his breath, quickly making a matching necklace for you to wear. As he pulls the craft onto you, his cheeks warm at the feeling of your neck just grazing his fingertips. 

With a teasing smirk, you eye him happily. “Did you just say something nice to me willingly?” A giggle interrupting you with every other word as his cheeks tint brightly. 

“And it's never happening again.” His face in his hands as he tries to tame the blush on his face. 

The two of you stare at each other for a moment, before you both burst into laughter, you're hopping over to pull at his face-fat teasingly. “You're secretly a sweetheart, aren't you, Yang Jeongin? You probably say nice things in your head all the time,” drawing embarrassed groans and weak attempts at pushing off of him whilst he laughs, blissfully. 

He groans, “I don’t,” trying to sound serious while you pinch at his cheeks.

Your hair perfectly frames your face as it tickles his, an almost halo effect outlining your figure. He doesn't know if it's just him, but all he can see is you, everything else dimmed out into the background as his eyes rest on only you. 

Then you pull away, laughing, with a look he has grown tired of seeing in your eyes when you look at him.

Friendship.

——

You’re bright and bubbly when you slip your gift into Seungmin’s desk, excited to see him sport a [Y/N]-original accessory and hopefully fall for you. 

Unfortunately, fate had another plan.

“Sorry [Y/N], I’m not really a jewelry guy…” Seungmin trails off, handing you back the box you’d given him earlier that day, all the bracelets inside and bundled. He tries to ignore his friend’s snickers, rubbing his neck nervously whilst handing you the small cardboard box, cheeks red in embarrassment.

You take it with two hands, barely gripping it at all with your shaky hands and blurry vision. They were laughing at you, and he didn’t like the bracelets. A quiet, "Oh, o-okay,” is all you manage to get out, biting your lip harshly as you tuck your hard work away. "Sorry.”

Seungmin gives you a guilty smile, wiping his sweaty palms on his thighs, giving you an awkward wave, and running back to his group, who tease him loudly about you. He cringes at their jokes, hiding his face from you and walking away.

You think you should be crying by now, seeing as he rejected you, but you’re more ashamed because not only was Seungmin embarrassed by being around you, but his friends seemed to think you were a joke as well. How mortifying.

You hear a shuffling pair of feet approach you before you’re wrapped in the long, strong arms you call home. “They teased him and laughed. Laughed, Jeongin…” your voice shrinking in sadness. You turn to him, eyes watering. "Am I that unlikable?”

Of course, Jeongin tells you no. "You’re the most likable person I know,” in a reassuring, uncharacteristically sweet whisper. You sigh, causing him to hold you tighter to his chest. "They just… they need glasses,” evoking a light snort from you.

Turning into his chest, you wrap your arms around his waist, drawing an “Ew,” from Jeongin, although he had been the one to initiate the hug in the first place. You mutter a shut up at his faux disgust. After a tight squeeze, you release him, pulling out the now squished cardboard and handing it to him, a light tint in your cheeks as your hands brush against each other’s. “What’s this?”

“He, um, isn’t into jewelry, so I thought you could have them. They’re too big for my wrist, and I’d hate to waste Hyunjin’s nice beads,” beaming hopefully at him. You open the box, pulling out your favorite and sliding it on Jeongin’s wrist, blind to the pure puppy-love expression the brunet was giving you. Cringing slightly, you frown at the fact that you hadn’t even asked him if he wanted the bracelets. "You don’t have to wear it if you don’t want to—”

Before you can pull it off him, he yanks his hand back, holding around the bracelet tightly. There was no way he wasn’t going to wear a bracelet you gave him. Granted, you’d made it with the intention of Seungmin wearing it, but he’d take what he could get. "I-um, I’ll wear it. It’s a neat bracelet,” awkwardly releasing his wrist and dropping it to his side. 

“Neat?”

“Leave me alone. This is why I’m not nice to you,” he mutters, face flushed red.

You feel your heart flutter, but you assume it’s out of general happiness and not the fact that Jeongin wanted what you’d made. It wasn’t as if you wanted Jeongin’s approval or anything—you cared about Seungmin’s because you like him, and you definitely didn’t like Jeongin. 

Then why aren’t you able to stop the way your heart quickens around him these days?

——

Jeongin isn’t the most talkative, especially when it comes to girls. Despite that, here he is, spilling everything he feels about you to Chan and Hyunjin. He’d explained the bracelet when they’d originally asked, and somehow he’d ended up in a rant about how lucky Seungmin was to be the target of all your affection.

“Why don’t you just tell her?” Chan asks, confused. Crushes couldn’t be that difficult, it should be even easier when you’re their best friend, right?

Hyunjin stares at Chan dramatically, causing the elder to lift his hands in a sort of confused surrender. "Are you serious? You don’t just tell your best friend of four years—who’s already in love with someone you agreed to help them win over—that you’re in love with them!I swear, it’s like you’ve never read a book.” 

Shrugging in uncertainty, he elaborates his former opinion. "It’s just, this all seems way too serious for a high school crush. And anyway, don’t you tease [Y/N] all the time?” Making Hyunjin roll his eyes.

“It’s his first love, it’s very serious!” Hyunjin argues, sweeping his luscious blond locks to the side. "And he teases her because he likes her! Plus, it’s not like he can stop, and it wouldn’t be weird, he’s always teased her. I’m ninety-eight percent sure she likes it.”

“Okay, since Love Expert Hyunjin seems to have all your answers, I don’t think I’m needed for this anymore,” the shortest sighs, standing from his seat on the bleachers and onto the field for some soccer. Chan may love Jeongin like a brother, but he’s not the best option when it comes to love advice.

Jeongin stares at the field, watching you as you cheered for Seungmin in the street-style free for all soccer game, wishing you were half as enthusiastic when he was participating. “I don’t want to try to win her over or anything, being her friend is enough… I just wish she’d dedicate herself to someone who cares for her at least as much as she does for them. I bet Seungmin doesn’t even know her favorite color…”

Jutting out his bottom lip in a pity-filled pout, Hyunjin soothes his hand on Jeongin’s back, nodding in understanding. "Y’know, she’s really lucky to have someone like you to always be there for her,” and he genuinely means it. He’s seen how gentle Jeongin was with you, even if he used a teasing front because no matter what, Jeongin’s always at your beck and call. You two could have just argued, and Jeongin would be the first to apologize and make sure you were okay, not expecting anything in return. His love was admirable and pure, and you got it all. “I’m sure she’ll come around.”

Jeongin nods, frowning as you hug Seungmin, making the boy cringe and gently shove you off. He wonders how Seungmin could so easily brush off your love, jealous and wishing you would hug him like that. He might jokingly shout “Yuck!” but he knows he’d hug you back even tighter.

——

“[Y/N], I don’t like you back.” Seungmin didn’t mean to sound so mean, but you’d once again smothered him in front of everyone, flustering him for the last time. Even as you began to tremble and tear up in front of him and everyone else, he stood his ground, keeping a stern face. "I tried really hard to let you down gently, but you seem to have missed the hints. Please stop giving me gifts and hugs and asking me out. I don’t see you that way.”

Blinking back your tears, you nod, hiding your beet red cheeks behind your hair and staring at the ground. Taking back the scarf you’d crocheted with your own two hands, you hug it to your chest, pressing it against your thumping heart in the hopes it would calm down the erratic beating. When that fails, you try to block out the murmurs from bystanders, and run for your home, your safe place.

While your best friend was never keen on you trying to make someone love you back—not when he was waiting patiently in line—he’s never wished you listened to him more than he does now

Jeongin’s surprised to see you outside his door, knowing Seungmin had baseball practice today, and because it was beginning to sprinkle. Regardless of your damp attire, he pulls you inside, hurriedly running to get you a towel. "What are you doing here? It’s starting to rain, and it’s cold as heck out there!” His concern raw, too lazy to try to mask it with a joke. "Are you crying?”

You throw your arms around his neck, cheek pressing against his strong yet soft chest as you nod, your tears dripping into his shirt. “He… he rejected me in front of everyone. He said he didn’t like me that way, and then asked if I would leave him alone. I made a fool of myself,” your words becoming incoherent as you squeak through your snivels. 

He clenches his fist tighter with each weep, and he’s sure that if you weren’t holding him so tightly, Seungmin would be six feet under by now. But since comforting you is more important than whooping some scholar-soccer player—not that he could do much damage, the boy’s six centimeters taller than him and he plays sports—he cradles your head as gently as he can with one hand and pets your hair with the other. “He’s an idiot.”

“No, he’s not, I am. I don’t know why I thought I had a chance…” You sniffle, shaking your head against him.

Jeongin tilts your face up to look at him, frowning at your glistening cheeks and shushing the voice in his head that’s going on about how you somehow managed to look beautiful even though you’re heartbroken. “Don’t say that, you’re amazing,” uncaring about how he’s probably the color of that ugly sweater Seungmin’s older brother somehow managed to rock.

You can’t bring yourself to believe his words completely, but the fondness in his eyes makes you want to because you knew Jeongin wasn’t the type to throw words like that around. Still, you nod, hoping you could one day be worthy of those words. 

——

Jeongin jumps when you slam the papers on his desk in front of him, a bright smile on your lips as you eagerly wait for him to ask you what you’re so excited about. He raises a brow, and you point frantically at the papers. “The school play? What about it?”

“I want to sign up for auditions!” You cheer, making jazz hands at the announcement. “They’ll be doing a romance play based on a student’s submission. I heard it’s really good.” Your best friend gives you a concerned look, forehead creased and mouth pursed. Well, that’s not the reaction you were hoping for when you told him. “Why are you making that face?”

Sighing, the black-haired boy stares up at you. “It’s just… are you sure you want to audition?” When you nod happily, he has no choice but to play the role of supportive best friend. “Okay, I’ll cheer you on.”

Your teacher comes in before you have the chance to elaborate on your idea, scolding you for not being ready for his class and eliciting a bit of laughter from your classmates—minus Jeongin, of course. 

Your teacher seems to be on the same page as you, though, pulling out one of the fliers. “Today we’re holding auditions in the auditorium during lunch, drama period, and after school, as well as staff signups. Anyone who participates in the school play’s production gets extra credit. If you have any questions, see me or the drama teacher after class.”

You shoot Jeongin a knowing look that he returns with a confused pout. He doesn’t know what’s up your sleeve, but he’s sure it’ll end badly somehow. 

Well, he wasn’t entirely wrong. You definitely had a scheme up your sleeve, and this wasn’t the desired outcome of your plan, but Jeongin wouldn’t necessarily file it as a ‘fail’. 

Originally, you planned on auditioning for the lead female part, while Seungmin would take the lead male, a part that everyone wanted him to play. You two would play as lovers, and eventually Seungmin would fall for you too and everything would be sunshine and rainbows. That was the plan. 

You knew that you needed someone to audition with, since they were allowing pairs to audition, and you already knew Seungmin would most likely refuse to audition with you. That’s why you brought Jeongin along. You hoped they’d see your star talent and recruit you to the cast while telling Jeongin he just didn’t make the cut—which he’d be fine with, once he understood your plan. That’s how everything was supposed to go down. 

And somehow, everything is going according to plan. 

You auditioned with complete confidence, and you did well. Acting’s one of your talents—not that you had an abundance of them, you just had a knack for pretending to be different people and characters—at least, you thought so.

Mr. Kim—the drama teacher—reads the casting aloud, so far, Seungmin got the lead male, Jeongin was cast as a random villager, and now it was your turn. “[Y/N]... you’ll play villager three and be in charge of the music…”

He continues to read out everyone else’s parts, but you can’t hear him. You didn’t get the part? But you did so well, right? Why didn’t they pick you?

Jeongin watches your crestfallen face, sighing inwardly because he knows nothing would be worse for you than watching Seungmin pretend to be utterly in love with another girl. He knows why you didn’t get the part, but he also knows that you put your all into that audition because you wanted to be Seungmin’s partner, so he feels bad. After all, his feelings for you only made him wish for you to be happy, and being the lead would’ve made you happy. Still, he can’t help the tiny bit of relief he feels because you won’t be playing the part of Seungmin’s lover. 

Someone hands you a recorder, you don't know who, as well as a sheet with different sound effects and songs for you to gather listed. Great. Not only do you play an unimportant side character, you're also in charge of putting together the romantic soundtrack and sound effects. Why did these things always happen to you?

“Don't worry [Y/N], we can have fun getting the songs and music together.” Jeongin smiles comfortingly, just enough to ease your stress, but you’re still upset at today’s outcome. Sensing the irritation in your stature—the way you furrow your brows and chew your nails are dead giveaways—the boy sighs, pulli by you along with him to collect a script. “Besides, it’s not the end of the world, there will be another play in a few months anyway.”

You nod, but honestly, you’re too bummed to pay him any real attention right now. Jeongin, sighing inaudibly, picks up your backpacks and pulls your sulking figure along towards the school’s exit. 

Pouting, you lean your head on his shoulder. “I thought I did so well…” 

The brunet ruffles your hair affectionately, giving you a small smile. “You did, it’s their loss they didn’t pick you.” His words make your lips quirk up. 

Turning to face him, you lift a brow at him. “Who are you and what have you done with my best friend?”

He rolls his eyes, shaking his head. “Carry your own bag,” he mumbles, handing over your backpack with an amused grin dancing in his lips. 

You pout again, only this time there’s joy in your eyes instead of disappointment. 

Something about that smile makes you feel better.

——

“You must tread into the woods, find your true love, and ask for her hand. She’s who you belong with, your hearts destined to become one. Now forget about that other miller’s daughter and begin the journey!” You read, trying to put some sort of passion into your voice, but you can’t. The only lines you have pertain to Seungmin finding his love and marrying her, while forgetting about the poor second lead who you couldn’t help but relate to. And just to rub salt in your wound, you have the golden line. “Kiss her, and make her your wife. You have my blessing, to have a long, lovely marriage and life.”

Jeongin claps for you from your bed, his long limbs sprawled across the mattress. He doesn’t have any lines other than quiet repetitions of your words—for dramatic effect, but he doesn’t care too much for them anyway. Extra credit is extra credit, right? “That was great [Y/N], but you really should start recording the sounds and music. They’re going to want them for rehearsals.”

You slump, nodding. You needed to recreate horseshoes hitting the ground, birds chirping, water running and the crumpling of leaves, and then download the songs the production team had already chosen. How fun. 

“Jeongin, grab those rocks and that rug for me please.” He nods, reaching for the two large stones as you start muttering, upset. “Why do I have to bless their union though? Out of every part I could’ve gotten, I had to get the part where I encouraged Seungmin to marry another girl…” You groan more, shutting up only to record the rocks hitting the rug in an offbeat pattern to mimic horse hooves. 

Jeongin rolls his eyes, because you only have to encourage Seungmin’s character, while he has to support you every time you scheme to get the older boy to fall for you. It shouldn’t be a competition, but he can’t help but feel that his situation is a tad worse.

——

“[Y/N], where’s the audio recording? We need it now!” Hana, the girl in charge of putting the music and sound over the play, calls urgently. The play’s about to start, and because of your constant sulking, you only just finished recording everything. 

Luckily you still have about ten minutes before the play begins, so you’re safe from being scolded. “Sorry, here it is.”

She takes it from you happily, readying it in a way you don’t exactly understand—hence why you aren’t one of the techs—and sending you off to get into your costume. 

The play’s going smoothly, everything’s in order and running perfectly. You’ve said your lines, Jeongin’s said his and Seungmin is absolutely killing his role. And then your voice booms through the speakers. 

“Why do I have to bless their union though? Out of every part I could’ve gotten, I had to get the part where I encouraged Seungmin to marry another girl…” 

The familiar statement falls upon the crowds shocked ears, and you feel all color drain from your face. That…that recorded…?

Your drama teacher glares at you, murder bright in their eyes. You can almost see the steam coming out of his ears. 

The crowd erupts into laughter and boos when the echoes of your words finally fade from the auditorium. All the staff and students behind the curtains are staring at you, some pitying, others angry and some disappointed. But that isn’t the worst of it. 

Someone in the audience spots you hiding behind the curtain on the east wing, “Hey! [Y/N] that was you, wasn’t it? You must really be in love with Seungmin, huh?”

You loudly shush him, hoping he’ll stop and the play will continue peacefully, but the odds aren’t in your favor. Someone behind you shoves you onto the stage, and you’re suddenly in the spotlight, frozen in front of dozens of people laughing. Your friends and teachers stifflong their giggles at your pathetically embarrassed state. 

You want to stand up for yourself, tell them to shut up and put their pointing hands away but you’re too mortified to do anything as a stray tear escapes your eye and your lip trembles. You’re hardly able to scramble off stage, muttering dozens of apologies to everyone watching. 

It’s hard to even be upset when all your mind can think of is Seungmin’s face of embarrassment—shame, because of you. 

It’s not long after the fiasco Jeongin finds you crying in a storage closet, and he shoos off some students who are teasing you far too much for his liking. 

“[Y/N]? Are you okay?” He asks gently, kneeling in front of you to see your face that’s hidden in your knees. You nod, burying it further and wrapping your arms tighter around yourself. He can’t help but think you look adorable so small, but he’s more focused on comforting you. 

Pulling off his jacket—he remembers how much you always say you love his clothes—and taps you with it. You don’t notice at first, but after he pushes it against your shoulder a few more times, you slowly peel yourself out of your [Y/N]-cocoon. Your face instantly lights up, just a bit when you catch sight of his jacket and you don’t hesitate to wrap yourself in it and scoot over for him to seat himself beside you on the step stool. 

He takes the spot, and you immediately lean on his shoulder as his large, lanky arm wraps around you in a comforting embrace. “You wanna talk or just stay here quietly a bit longer?”

“Just stay quiet for a bit…” your shaky voice mutters, heavy eyelids struggling to stay open. 

The storage closet opens again, only this time Seungmin stands in the doorway, face blank and eyes void of anything other than disappointment. 

He lets out a deep sigh before mumbling quietly. “Why do you ruin everything? Couldn’t you put your feelings aside for once and get your job done once? You embarrassed us both, all because you have a stupid crush on me. I told you I’m not interested, get over it, please.”

Jeongin’s about to open his mouth, fed up with Seungmin’s ass of an attitude toward you when you kick the door closed, shoving Seungmin out so you can sob into the younger boy’s sleeves in peace. You don’t want to see him, not now. You don’t really want to see anyone.

Except Jeongin.

——

“You need to apologize to her,” the shorter male demands, feet making squishy sounds with every step from the wet grass he chased Seungmin through. Jeongin may not always be the most affectionate or sweet friend, but he’s your best friend for a reason and he’s determined to keep you happy at all costs. Which includes making Seungmin apologize for his harsh words after the play. 

The older boy rolls his eyes. “Why should I? I was giving honest, helpful criticism. Plus, she’ll get over me faster if she hates me.”

Jeongin has no clue why you like him so much. 

Seungmin seems just about done with this conversation, turning to walk away, when he hears Jeongin huff under his breath. “And here [Y/N] said she liked you for your kindness. I don’t know where she got that idea from, you’re obviously a jerk…”

Seungmin doesn’t care about people’s opinions of him, but something about Jeongin’s word choice (specifically the word jerk) strikes a chord in him. . 

Which is how he finds himself in front of your door, Jeongin beside him with a semi-smug look as the older boy knocks on your door. 

“Who—Seungmin…? What-what’re you doing here…?” You shrink slowly, not in the mood for more insults. Not to mention that you’re just a bit traumatized from last week’s fiasco and that you’ve been skipping school to avoid the mental and emotional torment you’re sure is to come. 

He feels genuinely bad when he notices the tremble in your lip whilst you slide the door closed just a bit more to hide behind it. Handing you an envelope, he bows. “I’m sorry about what I said [Y/N]. I didn’t mean to be so rude and insensitive. There’s a longer apology in the envelope, feel free to read it or throw it away. Have a good night and come back to school soon. All of your classmates miss you.”

You doubt that last statement a bit. As far as you know, the whole school hates you, but you appreciate the idea that someone missed your presence. You give Seungmin a small bow and mouthed thank you just before he leaves. For the first time, you think he genuinely smiles at you. It's small, but real.

Rushing Jeongin inside, you melt against the door, clutching the envelope to your chest. “Did Kim Seungmin just… apologize to me…?”

In all the years you’ve known Seungmin, he’s never been one to apologize. He’s usually not in the wrong, so most of the time there’s no need for him to. Still, on the rare occasion he is on the wrong side, he almost never takes the initiative to own up to his mistakes. He’d much rather let time do its thing and wait for the incident to blow over and be forgotten. 

So you can’t help but feel both shocked and even a bit special to have a written apology from the brown eyed golden boy. 

Jeongin nods triumphantly. “Yep.” He wants to tell you that he’s the reason behind this, but he can’t ruin the way you must be feeling. If thinking Seungmin apologized completely of his own accord made you happy, then he’d allow you to believe that. 

As long as you’re happy, Jeongin doesn’t really care about anything else. 

However there are times when he wishes he could put his own feelings first.  

Slowly since the play, Seungmin had accidentally begun to sneak into your friend group. Suddenly he hangs out with you and Jeongin during lunch. He’s in the library with the two of you, making sure you’re actually studying. He’s even invited the two of you out to eat and hang out a few times over the past three months. It should be odd—the way he wormed into your group, but it happened so gradually that by the time either of you had noticed, he’d become part of your duo-now-trio. 

So it’s only natural that when your annual trip to Chan’s lake house rolls around, you invite him. 

While Jeongin’s fine with Seungmin—there are times where they seem to have been best friends since birth—he can’t help but feel almost possessive of the time he’s supposed to have with you. As much as he hates it, he knows Seungmin will effortlessly steal that time from him. 

“So you’ll come?” You giddily ask the taller boy, bouncing on the heels of your feet. 

Please say no. Please, please, please say no. For once, Jeongin wants Seungmin to reject you, wholeheartedly too. You do it all the time, don’t make this different!

The older boy thinks for a moment, typing something into his phone a moment before it lights up again, and nods silently with a small, almost unnoticeable grin. Flashing his screen, Jeongin realizes he’d been asking permission—which unfortunately, he was given. 

Fantastic. 

Don’t be fooled, since the incident, Jeongin has come to find that Seungmin is actually a great guy and wonderful company that he thoroughly enjoys on most occasions. They’ve completely warmed up to each other. But he knows that you’re still utterly in love with Seungmin, maybe even more than before, and he doesn’t think he can stand being around you two in a casual setting for more than a few hours. 

Still, he bites his tongue. If you’re happy, he’s happy. 

At least that’s what he tells himself during the car ride whilst you stare in awe at the older boy for most of the ride, trying and managing to convince him to let you sleep on his broad shoulder. He repeats this in his head over and over during the board games you all play where you beg Seungmin to let you be in his team—which he grants you after a bit of friendly teasing. By dinner time Jeongin has a headache from the mantra, almost disgusted by just watching you feed the sophomore by spoonfuls. He’s ready for bed before nine-thirty. 

However, his plans for sleeping—and evading Seungmin and you—are halted when Minho—a mischievous friend of Chan’s—decides to play some party games. You all play twenty questions, an age-appropriate few rounds of never have I ever (Chan and Hyunjin would have your heads if you or Jeongin were exposed to any sort of adult materia) and now you’re playing a game of secrets. 

Everyone gets a strip of paper and a pencil for them to write their secret on. Once everyone’s done, the strips are put in a bowl, mixed around, and picked out at random. You can’t tell anyone what you wrote or picked from the bowl, regardless if it's your own secret. 

Somehow it’s simultaneously harmless and filled with potential drama. You give props to Jisung (Minho and Hyunjin’s friend) for bringing up the game, so long as you pick Seungmin’s secret. 

Though it’s not exactly a secret, you haven’t confessed to Seungmin since before the incident, and you think you’ve been subtle about your feelings since then, so you pick that as your secret. In your tidy handwriting, you spell out “I’m in love with Kim Seungmin.”

Beside you, Jeongin contemplates what he wants to write for a moment longer than you do. He can reveal anything he’d like. That he’s jealous of Hyunjin’s height, that he actually looks up to Changbin more than he’d like to admit, that he failed his last English quiz, or that…

He likes you as something way more than friends. 

He’s sure about half of his friends already know, and that Seungmin is probably suspicious of it, so it wouldn’t be much of a surprise. And plus, they’re anonymous… So what's the harm?

He ponders his decision a bit more, before essentially saying fuck it and professing his feelings for you with a short, “I have a crush on [Y/N].”

After about another minute or so, all the paper strips are stuffed into a glass bowl Jeongin thinks looks an awful lot like a fishbowl, and mixed around violently by Han. Then, everyone reaches in and pulls out one strip each. 

You can’t contain your curiosity, immediately unfolding the strip and reading its contents. Your eyes widen and you struggle to hold in your gasp of disbelief. 

Your cheeks burn as you reread the sentence. “I have a crush on [Y/N].” 

Too focused on the secret you picked, you fail to see how Jeongin’s soft smile of excitement falters into a slight frown. Your handwriting spells out: “I’m in love with Kim Seungmin '' on the slip of paper in his hand.

After he’s done reading his strip, Hyunjin reminds you of the rules. “Okay, nobody can say anything about the secret they got, okay?”

You all nod, but your eyes gravitate to Seungmin, who seems oddly calm compared to the rest of you. You don’t blame him, he probably got something boring—or your confession. The only reason you’re so excited is that you’re pretty sure you got his proclamation of love. 

Yet, in the back of your mind, I can't help but think that the handwriting doesn’t look like Seungmin’s.

——

“I got my own,” Seungmin pulls out the piece of paper from his backpack, handing it over to you with a shrug. “Why?”

As you read “I’m tired of school” in Seungmin’s handwriting, your brain strains to find an explanation as to why you just convinced Seungmin to break the game’s rules and show you his secret. I thought… “Oh, I was just curious!”

As always, he shrugs it off. 

If it wasn’t Seungmin… then who was it? It couldn’t be Chan, he’s too brotherly, and Hyunjin is always talking about who he’s in love with that week, you would know if it was him. Which leaves you with only one person you can think of. 

Jeongin. 

To be honest, you wouldn’t be mad if Jeongin had a crush on you. But if he did, you couldn’t return his feelings.

Right?

You think back to all those times your eyes have locked with his, when you’ve ignored the pounding in your heart at the slightest graze of his touch. You can’t deny he’s the one who can always make you feel better, no matter what. That you would rather sit and argue with him then go have fun with someone else. 

To be honest, you can’t exactly say you’re not in the same boat.

But, he’s your best friend, he couldn’t have a crush on you. You flush as you try to reason with yourself. There’s just no way. Plus he likes—

You stop. Come to think of it, you’ve never known Jeongin to have a crush on anyone. He’s never once confided in you about girls. “Maybe he just doesn’t like anyone…” you mumble, thinking of reasons why he can’t possibly have a crush on you. 

“Who doesn’t like anyone?”

You jump at the sound of Jeongin’s voice. “N-nobody!” you internally slap yourself at your stuttering. 

He doesn’t seem convinced, but opts for being concerned more than curious, “Why are you so jumpy?”

“I-I’m not,” you protest, trying to sound calmer. It seems to fail though, since he quirks his brow in confusion at you. 

With a shrug, he continues walking beside you towards your house. “You’re weird.”

“And you’re mean,” you scoff, immediately forgetting why you had–in fact–been so jumpy only moments before. However, it's not too long before you are reminded of your tiny predicament when his eyes sparkle in amusement and your heart stops momentarily. “Hey Jeongin, what secret did you pick from the game the other day?”

You notice him slump over a bit, “I got yours. Unless someone else in our group has a crush on Seungmin,” the glint in his eye diminishes. “Why?”

“It's just… I think I got your secret…” He freezes up besides you, a tinge of pink in his cheeks you fail to see as you stair at your toes. “Do you have a crush on me, Jeongin?”

Clenching his jaw a few times, he panics. Think brain, think. He stands there awkwardly for a moment. “I-”

Cutting him off, you start apologizing, “You don’t have to answer that, actually. I’m sorry for putting you on the spot–I get it if you’re mad at me too, since you know I like Seungmin–” Some quiet chuckles leave his lips, making you stop in the middle of your words, confused. “Why are you laughing?”

He ruffles your hair, pushing you playfully. “You think I would write a real secret there? No way. I just thought it would be funny if Hyunjin were to get that one and start some rumor or crazy quest to find out which one of us had a crush on you.” 

Your shoulders drop from their tensed position as you relax, beginning to giggle a bit at the thought of the gossiping teen losing his head in order to find out just who had a crush on you/ Even if you didn’t know him well, everyone knew Hyunjin was a huge drama queen who always needed to know everything about everyone. “Oh that makes so much more sense!”

Ignoring the pain in his chest that your apparent relief brings him, he keeps his small smile displayed for you. “So that's why you were all anxious. You’re so odd, [Y/N].”

You glare at him, pushing his shoulders jokingly. “You really are mean, you know that?” Eliciting a gentle laugh from the boy. He shrugs, continuing his path beside you to what he assumes is your home. 

He can’t help but wish he had written something different on that paper, though. Maybe then, his chest wouldn’t ache so much. 

And secretly, you wish it was a real secret. Maybe then, you wouldn’t feel like you’d been tricked.

—-

Jeongin finds it hard not to notice the way you’ve started retreating from Seungmin these days. As your best friend, the one who was always there to help you in your plans to win over the upperclassmen, it's impossible to not realize how you haven’t asked for his aid in such schemes. It's almost concerning at this point, the way you haven’t attempted in a month or so to woo the older boy in any way. 

He doesn’t mind though, not at all. In fact, he’s enjoying watching you spend your time on your hobbies and making new friends rather than pining over the boy who had broken your heart so many times.

“Hey, can you help me take these papers to Mr. Young’s classroom?” Seungmin stops at your desk, staring at you. 

Since finding out the paper wasn’t Seungmin’s, your feelings for him have slowly dimmed. Over the last few weeks, everything you felt for him just dissipated. He doesn’t like you back, and now, for some reason, you don’t seem to care too much about who or what he likes anymore. 

However, that doesn’t mean your attention hasn’t shifted somewhere else.

“I’ll help.” 

Your head shoots up to look at Jeongin, who’s already standing up and grabbing half the stack of papers, bringing the rest of Seugnmin’s face into view. “Can you watch my food for me?”

You nod at him as he walks out of the cafeteria with Seungmin. The silence between them is awkward, but not too awkward. They enjoy each other’s company enough to get along. However, with your odd behavior towards Seungmin, the two haven’t hung out much. 

The walk is quiet for a while, until Seungmin says, “Why did you stop [Y/N] from answering me?”

Jeongin shrugs, “She didn’t look like she wanted to. Why? Do you like her now?” he says less than playfully, failing to hide his disapproval if Seungmin did indeed like you now.

“No, I don’t like her like that. I was just wondering if you were trying to keep her away from me since you like her,” the older boy tells him nonchalantly. 

Jeongin almost drops his stack of papers at that, “What?”

With a slight eye roll, Seungmin continues. “You like [Y/N], don't you? Even if you say no, or don’t answer, I know you do. It's obvious. It is kind of weird you helped her ask me out so many times though.”

“I don’t know what you're talking about.”

“Right,” the older boy sighs, “We’re here.”

After dropping off the papers, the two have a silent walk back, both of them uncomfortable with the energy in the hall. Jeongin couldn’t stand the thought of Seungmin playing with your heart, not again. 

Before the two reenter the cafeteria, Seungmin places a hand on Jeongin’s shoulder, holding him to a stop. With a sigh, Seungmin starts, “I consider us friends, and as a friend, I’m rooting for you. [Y/N] was never right for me, and I was never right for her, but I think you two would be right for each other.”

The older boy releases him, pushing through the metal doors and joining your small circle, leaving Jeongin with his thoughts.

And his thoughts agree with Seungmin.

—-

“Did you hear? The school chose another romance novel to base the play off of!” You cheer in excitement as you set your school bag under your seat. “Maybe I can get the lead this time, I think I’ve improved a lot since last time.”

Jeongin looks at you as if you’ve grown a third head, plopping down into his own desk. “Why do you want the lead? Do you think Seungmin is going to play the male interest?”

He ignores the little green monster that rages at the thought. 

“What? No, I just want to be the lead, maybe redeem myself since last time I messed up so bad,” you flush. “Hey, you should audition too! It would be cool if we were both in the play!”

“I don’t think so, I’m not really into acting.”

You pout at him, shaking his arm as you plead, “Please Jeongin, please please please–”

“Fine! Stop whining like that,” he huffs, pulling his arm away from you. You gleam at him, making him roll his eyes with a gentle smile. “What a dork.”

You stop smiling at that, launching towards him, “You jerk!”

Just then, Ms. Lee walks in, a scowl on her face at your figure lurched over Jeongin’s desk. “[Y/N]! Sit down right now young lady!”

You hear your classmates–including Jeongin–snicker at you. He makes an L with his fingers under the desk at you, making you glare at him. Silently, you mouth, I’ll get you back for this.

He mouths back, Sure you will, like the menace he is.

Once again, reading your mind, your teacher begins the class announcements with the play. “We’re holding auditions later today in the gym during your lunch period and after school. Please feel free to audition, those who do will be exempt from the next pop quiz.”

Jeongin watches from the corner of his eye as you hunch over your desk, scribbling something down, then pop up again. Snapping, you get him to look over at you and see the message written messily on your notebook. “You could really use an exemption from a pop quiz…”

He sighs, grabbing a sticky note from his notepad, and writing back, “I already said yes, stop bugging me.” (He doesn’t actually want you to stop, he would prefer if you never stopped bugging him, actually.)

You stick your tongue out at him with a grin, turning back to face the teacher.

It's not long after that lunch time rolls around, meaning you’re dragging Jeongin away from his friends.

 “Where are you two going?” Hyunjin asks, a far too devious smile playing on his lips.

“We’re auditioning for the play!” You smile, to which the older boy’s eyes sparkle. 

“I wanna watch!”

Jeongin groans at the three voices, he really doesn’t need Hyunjin, Chan, and Changbin all watch him embarrass himself. “Too bad. If you guys come I won’t audition.” At that, they all groan, sitting back down on the lunch bench with frowns on their faces. 

——

“Jeongin, I got the part~!” You all but sing, looking at your lines highlighted in the script. “How about you?”

He purses his lips, ears slightly red. “They gave me the lead.”

You stop in your place, staring at him wide eyed. “You mean, we’re going to play lovers?” He nods. “Oh…”

“I can take back my audition if you want–”

“No!” You stop him, a bit too quickly even, “It's fine! It's just acting,” your face as red as his at the thought of playing his love interest. You’re just friends–best friends–and it's just a play, it shouldn’t be that weird. Right?

Wrong. So wrong.

You both can’t help but feel so stiff around each other as you rehearse your lines. Chan, Changbin, Seungmin, and Hyunjin can’t help but be oh so entertained by your awkwardness. Seeing the two of you bright red as you stumble over your lines to each other is just gold.

“Stop recording us!” You frown with red cheeks at Hyunjin, who’s phone is pretty much inches from your face. “Hyunjin c’mon.”

“No can do, you two are so cute,” he wipes a fake tear, putting a dramatic hand on his chest, “They grow up so fast.”

You all stare at him like a madman. Then, Changbin counts down backwards, yelling action for you and Jeongin to start the scene from where you messed up.

“I can be fun, if you want… pensive, uh, smart, superstitious, brave, and uh, I could be light on my feet,” he pauses, staring at you intensely, a nervous–but sweet–smile dancing on his lips, “I could be whatever you want. You just tell me what you want and I’ll be that for you.”

Jeongin tries not to think about how true that is.

With a lightly contemplative look on your face, you recite the next line. “You’re dumb.”

His smile grows as he nods, “I can be that.”

You mirror his expression as you turn around, skipping away and pretending to get into a car as he calls behind you. “C’mon, one date, what’s it gonna hurt?”

“I don’t think so,” you tease in an almost sing-song tone.

His smile falls a bit, as he stands there looking disappointed, “Well what can I do to change your mind?”

“Guess you’ll figure something out,” you grin, silence filling your ears for a moment before Changbin loudly yells cut!

They all praise you two’s acting skills, Seungmin included–though his praise is much less enthusiastic than that of the others. However, you don’t pay any of them much attention, your gaze fixed on Jeongin as your mind replays the way he’d looked at you just moments before.

You almost wished this wasn’t a play, but try not to think about it too much as you ready for the next scene.

——

You know your best friend is good looking–everyone does, it seems. Every rehearsal, there are students hiding in the back row of the school’s theater trying to catch a glimpse of his acting. You’re thankful for Hyunjin, who dramatically shoos them out of the room whenever he catches them. 

It's not that you don’t want people watching the rehearsal, it's just… 

Why are there so many girls with crushes on Jeongin?

It shouldn’t bother you, really. He’s just your best friend but even he is starting to feel the energy shift whenever someone comes up to talk to him. He doesn’t want to get any ideas, but he doesn’t deprive himself of enjoying your attention. 

He watches as you shuffle over to Hyunjin in exhaustion after thirty minutes of the same scene, laughing as the boy fawns over you theatrically, giving you water and a pillow to get comfortable with. It's comedic the way you two have grown closer recently, Hyunjin seeming to take the role of your mother almost. 

Needing to get away from the dark room and hot stage lights, Jeongin sees himself out, getting a drink from the water fountain. Straightening up, he leans against a post, silently reading over his favorite scene–not that he would ever admit that he had a favorite scene. He can’t help but imagine you telling him what you want in your home, saying you wanted to be a part of his life like that.

Doing this play, it's not good for his heart.

He heads back in for rehearsal not too much later, finding it too easy to get into character. 

Maybe it's the way you look into his eyes as you practice your lines, or how cute you look flustered saying these romantic words to him of all people. Whatever it is, it's really, really not good for his heart.

Or yours.

——

“Hey [Y/N]!” Jeongin calls after you, his jog slowing to a walk as you turn the corner too quickly for him to reach you. It seems this is how you two are now–Jeongin tries to talk to you, you run away from him before he can.

He wonders if it's because of the play–specifically, because of the kiss scenes he’s sure you're dreading. 

He didn’t think you would be so worked up about it–it wouldn’t be your first kiss, or your second, or even third for that matter. But you’ve been avoiding him like the plague since the last time you rehearsed the scene, the two of you staring at each other intently rather than kissing since it was just rehearsal.

Maybe doing this play was a mistake, he thinks, frowning to himself. A few moments later, a large, thin hand rests on his shoulder, and he meets the eyes of his personal cupid, “What do you want?”

“Well that's not how you should greet your big brother,” Hyunjin whines with a pout. He chooses to dismiss the younger boy’s you’re not my big brother, instead opting to talk about the real reason he sprinted after Jeongin. “So, how are you feeling? The play is next week, when you’ll finally kiss your true love.”

The shorter teen chokes on air at Hyunjin’s words, filled with embarrassment. “Be quiet!”

“Sorry! But really, how are you guys? I’ve noticed [Y/N] dodging you like she dodges her vegetables.”

Jeongin shrugs, “I don’t know. I think auditioning was a mistake, it's probably too weird for her, especially since she doesn’t like me like that.” He completely misses the look on Hyunjin’s face, continuing, “I’ll have to apologize after the play I guess.”

The taller boy facepalms, stepping in front of the freshman, “Don’t apologize–it's not your fault. Plus, that’s weird.”

Jeongin wants to argue, but decides against it ultimately, nodding in agreement with Hyunjin’s words. 

——

“What do you want?” Jeongin stares at you intensely, leaning against the cardboard car behind him. “What d’you want?”

You shake your head vigorously, tears in your eyes, “It's not that simple!”

He interrupts you, his voice more stern than the last time he uttered these words to you, “What. Do you. Want?” Lip quivering, you watch him ask you once more. “Damn it, what do you want?”

Eyes filled with emotions and tears, you finally get out a weak, “I have to go.”

The set workers are quick to cover the stage as they change the set to show you talking to your character’s fiance as Jeongin hides off in the wing, watching your incredible performance. He doesn’t know how, but you really did develop a talent for acting since the last play the school put on.

Soon enough, you’re by Jeongin’s side, the two of you watching as the teachers playing the older versions of your character play out their scenes beautifully, bringing everyone–especially Hyunjin–to tears with their performance.

“You did a great job, really,” Jeongin mutters, almost too quietly for you to hear him, but you do.

You grin at him, “Has nice Jeongin finally made a reappearance?” 

“Nevermind, this is why I don’t say nice things to people,” he scowls, turning away from you, only to be stopped by you turning him back to you. “What?”

“Do you want to get something to eat with me after this?”

He’s confused, flustered, and excited if he’s being honest. But he keeps up his nonchalant attitude and nods. “Sure,” fighting the tender expression ghosting his face at your happiness.

After a few minutes of watching the final scenes, everyone emerges from the stage wings, taking their places beside one another, Jeongin and you in the center as the leads. Joining hands, you all bow, taking in the praises from your parents, classmates, and anyone else who watched the play. Then you’re dragging him to your bikes, the two of you freshly out of costume, still sweating from the under-conditioned theater you had just stood in for hours.

 “Do you even know what you want to eat?”

You nod, beginning to pedal down the street towards the small food stand that always lingers by your school–a student favorite. You’ve already ordered two corn dogs, waiting by the stand as Jeongin pulls up. “What are you? Some secret speed cyclist?”

“Maybe,” you hand him his corn dog, “Can we go sit over there?”

He follows your finger to look at a lonely bench underneath a tree that's only a few meters away, a small, dim lightbulb just barely illuminating the area. “Are you sure? What if there are spiders?”

“Stop trying to scare me and move your butt,” you command, strutting forward to the bench. He follows with a sigh, dragging his feet and bike behind you. 

As the two of you eat in silence, Jeongin finds that he doesn’t agree with Hyunjin’s advice once again, speaking up awkwardly. “I’m really sorry if the kissing scenes were weird for you, I tried not to put a lot of pressure or anything into them, if that makes you feel better.”

You cough, laughing at his awkward apology. “It's fine. Don’t worry about it,” your words are muffled by the food in your mouth and your laughter–which triggers some sort of embarrassment in your best friend.

“Why are you laughing at me? I’m obviously nervous and apologizing because I thought that’s why you were avoiding me, and you’re laughing,” he can’t hide the bit of irritation in his voice, or the pink hue covering his face as your laughter grows, “And you’re still laughing. Why are you laughing at me?”

Taking a few deep breaths, you turn to him, “It's just, I was avoiding you because of the kiss scene, but that’s not the only reason why,” a weird grin on your face, “I spent so long, ranting to you about one guy who kept rejecting me, and there I was, unable to face you because we had to kiss for a play. And you’re apologizing for it, even though you didn’t even know if that was why. It’s just really funny seeing how this all turned out?”

“What do you mean?”

“I’ll tell you in a second, if you tell me something first,” you lean towards him, a strange glint in your eye, “Yang Jeongin, do you have a crush on me?”

He starts genuinely tweaking at that, choking on his food, chunks flying out of his mouth from the sheer and utter shock of your question. “What? Why are you asking me that?” He coughs again, his face becoming a shade of red that rivals that of a strawberry, “What the fuck why can’t I stop coughing?”

“I’m sorry! Are you okay? I didn’t think you would start dying if I asked you!” You apologize, rubbing his back and offering the half-drank bottle of water in your bag. “I just needed an answer!”

“Why?”

“Answer and I’ll tell you why!”

“Why do you need to know? You’re so weird sometimes!”

“Jeongin,” you pause, hands on his shoulders as you look him directly in the eye, “Do you like me?”

He avoids your gaze, closing his eyes and mumbling an inaudible yes.

“I can’t hear you~!” He mumbles it slightly louder.

“I still can’t hear you,” you tease, your hands still on his shoulders as you push them back so he has to look at you.

“I’m not doing this. You heard me and you still didn’t tell me,” he groans with a pout in his voice, “And you say I’m the jerk.”

You laugh at his aggravation, finding it hard to take him seriously when he looks like a red crayon threw up on his face. He gets up from the space beside you, sitting on his bike and getting ready to ride home when you come up beside him.

“Hey,” you say quietly, making him look at you. You hold in the urge to laugh at his annoyed expression. His eyebrows are furrowed, and he’s obviously fed up with being embarrassed for one night. With all your courage, you whisper, 

“I like you too.”

"I like your eyes, you look away when you pretend not to care  I like the dimples on the corners of the smile that you wear I like you more, the world may know but don't be scared  ‘Cause I'm falling deeper, baby be prepared" ― Translation from Ysabelle's English Cover of "I Like You So Much, You'll Know It"

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[ganondoodle]

i kinda want to read books again, i havent read any in .. more years than i know to remember but idk how to find anything i like, especially these days (i dont read fanfiction either .. , i tried a few times but it never really caught me q-q)

even when i was young i was somewhat picky (though there are plenty books im sure i finished but just .. dont remember) the last series i think i read was skullduggery pleasant (as i said, its been many years) but dropped it after it got a little 'weird' (in like .. i guess the shonen powerscaling problem, at least thats how it felt back then) and the annoying love interest boy that was seemingly only introduced so protag girl could do what normal girls do tm (i know theres many more books in the series so idk if hes actually more than that but eugh)

funnily enough i only seem to remember the books i loved so much i kept rereading them (the bartimäus trio, though i loved the forth prequel more than the others .. still sad i lost my copy of it in school) or the ones i stopped reading bc something completely threw me out of it-

there was one i literally only remember it was a protagonist (teen?) girl (is that a general common thing for the fantasy genre?) and she was travelling via a ship in that scene, idk if it was a flying one but something was different magical tm i think; and left it or ran away or so and sought shelter from the rain at some point and annoying boy caught up to her and they uuh .. started making out of nowhere?? (im sorry i literally only remember i felt rly uncomfortable and awkward, didnt like the boy, thought they had zero chemistry/felt forced AND i did NOT see it coming, like at all, maybe its my aro/ace/autism .. ness (that i wasnt aware of except being def different for most of my life, haha fun.) but i rememebr feeling like i got flashbanged by what i read, the only actual sentence i (think i) remember was "she felt the weight of his hips shifting onto hers" bc it weirded me out so much and i might just have stopped reading it at that point and never looked back lmao)

another one was one with a setting of having dragons and they were used like horses, also feathered! (though the cover picture, i think, was a big dragon eye surrounded by scales, pretty sure it annoyed me constantly but i might missremember, again its been so long and i went through things my brain wishes it could unlive) and the protagonist worked at a stable or soemthing (also girl? idk), last thing i remember was that all dragons started to go mad and kill themselves .. idk if i read any further

(honorable mention to uuh .. dämonenzeit (demon time), was a demon protagonist and it was a little brutal for my taste but when do you get a demon as the main guy, apparently there were two entries and i only read the first one, also lost that copy- Xarors (an OC of mine) first designs were based on the cover of that book and the thing the band 'disturbed' tended to use (the hooded guy with red glowing eyes) i was very original)

maybe all those were super well known ones and i just never knew (grew up without/extremely limited internet and tech in general after all.... the only one i knew was popular and also read all of it and had all parts .. was a certain bad wizard series that should not still be so popular *watches in horror as my niece gets into it and wants nothing but merch for it*) or really bad peepoo baby books, im possibly confusing or mixing some things bc i read quite a few ones with dragons and similar themes, but thats just what i remember/remember feeling like

(maybe i should see if i still have them somewhere and see how much is true of any of this .... though a part of me also doesnt want to)

[tfyoulookingatgiuxs]

Bunny

Mike Schmidt x Reader

𝐒𝐔𝐌𝐌𝐀𝐑𝐘: !!ǝɯ dlǝɥ 'ououou ˙ǝsǝɐld 'ǝɔɐld sᴉɥʇ uᴉ ,ǝɹǝɥ ǝq oʇ ʇsoddns ʇou ɯᴉ !dlǝɥ ǝsɐǝld ǝuoǝɯos (𝙸𝙼 𝚂𝙾𝚁𝚁𝚈, 𝙰𝙽 𝙴𝚁𝚁𝙾𝚁 𝙾𝙲𝙲𝚄𝚁𝙴𝙳, 𝙿𝙻𝙴𝙰𝚂𝙴 𝚃𝚁𝚈 𝙰𝙶𝙰𝙸𝙽 𝙻𝙰𝚃𝙴𝚁) 𝐖𝐀𝐑𝐍𝐈𝐍𝐆𝐒: angst, blurb, violence, themes about murder, chasing, blood, death, bad ending, creepy images, heavy themes, dismemberment, reader gender is not specified, use of Y/N, your surname is Torres, investigation. (Please, if you're so sensitive, i ask you not to read this. Thank you.)

𝐀/𝐍: Just to say that I love FNAF in all its beauty and ugliness. If the images or themes disturb you, I ask you please not to read. Got inspired by Battington's video called "BUNNY BUNNY BUNNY", you can find on youtube. Sorry for my english this is not my native language. Please support and reblog. Hope you enjoy this one! (DIVIDER NOT MINE)

PLAY ➤ 19 / 11 / 1997

You ran as fast as you could, your breath was short and your tears did nothing but fall. He was behind you...

A large yellow rabbit was chasing you throughout the pizzeria trying to kill you. You entered one of the rooms decorated for a birthday, but now full of cobwebs and dust due to abandonment.

You were an investigator. You had been working with the police for years now due to your young age, but you were the best they could find.

One day you learned of the big scandal that happened in Freddy's pizzeria: five children who disappeared and were never found. When the disappearance of the little ones was reported, panic broke out. The parents were desperate and the police found something that also destabilized the police force. From the security cameras it turned out that someone from the staff, disguised in an animatronic suit, took the children into an abandoned room and then emerged from it with a knife.

So the conclusion was reached that the children did not disappear, but were killed by someone who worked at Freddy's. Unfortunately, however, even though it was defined as a case of murder, the children's bodies were never found again and after various investigations, nothing more has been heard. The owners of the place, then realizing the bad reputation their pizzeria now had, decided to close and abandon their plans. You were sorry. When you met one of the owners you could see that he was a good man. His desire was to entertain children with his new robotic projects, idealized something that would also make adults happy, entertaining them properly.

But you couldn't lie that he didn't care about the people he hired. He was a good person, you could see it. But perhaps too good to unknowingly hire an assassin. The other one, well you rarely saw him, he spoke to the police several times but you never spoke to him directly.

They immediately hired you to investigate the case and find the possible killer from Freddy's pizzeria. You were happy to be able to participate in this investigation, it seemed like a difficult task and you liked challenges. Every night you went there together with the local night guard. His name was Mike.

You had met him for the first time right in front of Freddy's. He desperately needed a job to support him and his little sister Abby, and they offered him a job as a night guard.

He was a good boy and did everything for his little sister, and it made your heart melt. Every night you met there. He did his job and you did yours. You told him about the case and he even offered to help you. Not that he was a real detective but he said he would do the bare minimum even if he didn't have the right skills.

You were getting closer and closer and you couldn't lie that deep down you didn't mind him. He was handsome and determined when he wanted to be, even if he seemed a little impassive, in reality he was a real big boy. He was young too, so it was fine. Hand. You couldn't think these things at work!

After at least four nights of investigation, you found that the abandoned robots in the pizzeria seemed to still be working, and even more shocking: you found the killer's suit, a yellow rabbit, now dirty and dusty. You wasted no time recording this on your video camera so you could have proof to show your superiors. You had quite a few recordings where you talked about what you had found and what was still happening in the pizzeria today.

The electricity was still there and every now and then it gave some problems to the robots which every now and then started singing without you or Mike doing anything. Noises roamed the place, and what was even stranger were the songs that occasionally played on the speakers. Mike thought for a moment that the place was haunted, but you didn't believe in such things. You found that there was a malfunction in the robots, now abandoned, and the same thing in all the electronic objects in the place.

That night. The fifth night. You accessed your camera again as you set out to reconnoitre the place, while Mike was at his usual desk checking the cameras.

Everything was going well. You were double-checking where you had already been, so you wouldn't miss any details.

You were calm until you summarized everything you had found. The children were taken to a room, an abandoned room where only the staff could enter. When you went in there you found an uncleaned dried blood trail behind a box with various wires and mechanical tools. It was very hidden, and it was understandable that they hadn't found it. But you found nothing else.

What the police kept asking was "What's still in that room?" But the real question you actually asked yourself was "Why did he kill there? But moreover, where did he hide them?" If your killer was an intelligent person he surely thought of a place where no one would look...

Exact.

There was no need to focus on the room where the murder occurred. Because the place had been cleaned even if it left a small stain, a sign of haste and distraction for having hidden it behind a box. But rather the bodies of children, so that we could begin to carry out accurate analyses.

So, if you were a murderer, where would you hide bodies as small as those of children? Where no one would have suspected finding them in that exact spot?

You turned to the three main animatronics: Freddy, Chica, and Bonnie. Then you looked at the one placed a little further to the left, in pirate cove: Foxy. You had an idea, but you hoped it wasn't right. You approached Freddy the bear, walking slowly with anxiety rising to your hair. The animatronic was very large, but you had no trouble opening its mouth, standing on tiptoe and bringing the camera into the bear's mouth, revealing the face of a rotting child with gouged out eyes and dismembered limbs.

At the sight of him you immediately pulled away putting a hand over your mouth. The sight had been horrible, and the image of those poor children placed inside the animatronics while the endoskeleton together with the springlocks slowly destroyed their flesh gave you shivers.

You made sure to record the thing so you could show it to the police force. Then a scream. Mike.

You ran screaming his name and the thing you saw shocked you. It was him. The yellow rabbit was slamming Mike's skull repeatedly into the desk, finally cracking it as the blood spread across the table. You screamed in fear but you couldn't let that bastard claim any more victims. You grabbed the first contending thing you found and hit the assassin knocking his mask off. You threw away the object you used as a weapon, remaining speechless, it was William Afton...one of the owners of Freddy's. You didn't want to believe it. Had the owners agreed to kill the children? Or was Afton just the one who did it by leaving his friend, not that coworker unaware of what he had done? You didn't know...but you were going to find out.

You took the camera you accidentally left on the ground, recording his face so you could have proof of who William Afton was, the killer of the five children at Freddy Fazbear Pizza.

Afton, however, was conscious and you certainly didn't knock him out. He immediately got up and there was a lot of music playing and you could hear the animatronics singing. You saw the killer put the now very disturbing rabbit mask back on and started chasing him.

You screamed and cried running towards the exit but it was strangely closed. You opted to hide, so you ran around the entire pizzeria trying to outrun the yellow rabbit. Everything that was happening was devastating and horrible, you didn't want it. Mike was dead and maybe soon you would be dead too, but you couldn't let him get the better of you, you had to avenge the children, you had to avenge Mike, and you were the only one who could do it.

But apparently in this game Afton was the winner. You were trapped. You had injured your leg during the run, and now you were limping as you headed into one of the birthday-decorated rooms. You did nothing but cry "Please..." You begged the man not to kill you while some children's music played in the background. Your back was pressed against the wall, no way out, he was in front of you, looking at you from the half-open door, torturing you as your sobs increased.

He would decide when to kill you, and when he did, he would make sure to make your death as painful as possible. The jingle made the scene creepier than ever, and you earnestly prayed for someone to come to your rescue. But no one came.

"Please no—NO!"

The camera was thrown into a remote corner of the room while strangling screams filled the room.

"Bunny, Bunny, Bunny, you're so funny with your twitching nose. Bunny, Bunny, Bunny you're so funny from your head to your toes"

STOP ➤ ERROR

Today at 7:55 am, the police were called and found two bodies in Freddy Fazbear Pizza. One of them is Mike Schmidt. Local night guard, some witnesses say that the boy should have presented himself to the police to hand over the keys to the place, which is still under investigation following the unpleasant incident that occurred years ago. The other one is Y/N Torres, an investigator sent to investigate the case further.

Their bodies were first stabbed and then crushed. The first victim, Mike Schmidt, was stabbed five times and then his skull was smashed, while the second victim, Y/N Torres, was stabbed seven times and then the killer crushed the arms and broke them.

The police searched the entire pizzeria for any evidence that could find the killer, but nothing was found. We will update you with further news on the case.

[kafus]

ok i've decided i want to infodump about vee and nova a little after all! because uhh not only am i impatient because autism but i also. want to dip my toes into talking about this. just days ago i was still terrified but now i am Tentatively Brave... if i can talk about it here casually like this then i should be able to write a more formal summary later some other time

i've tagged this post appropriately (at least i think i have, feel free to suggest if i should add more) but also a heads up here too before i keep talking that while i'm not going into graphic detail on anything there are STRONG themes of organized sexual abuse of a child, sexual abuse of animals, and grooming! (there are no disturbing visuals in this post, just text)

IF YOU CAN'T READ THIS POST THAT'S OKAY I STILL LOVE U

takes a deep breath alright so the deal with these two. back all the way in 2021, i decided i wanted to make "vent ocs" as in i just wanted some concrete/consistent designs i could use in vent art drawings that weren't a direct reflection of what i envision myself to look like or whatever. i was going through a lot in 2021, in december 2020 i had just gotten my first big repressed memory back and my life was in a whirlwind of change and heavily increased PTSD and DID symptoms, so i was using art a lot as an outlet. in the end i settled on this drawing, based on the design taste i would have had as a young person (god the quality is so old now LOL i've improved a lot but anyway)

i was intending for these two to be just visual designs and nothing more than that but i got attached and actually ended up giving them a whole storyline and everything, which is something i admittedly hadn't done in a long time up to that point so that's cool.

the reason i preface explaining the premise of the storyline with this is because i think it's important to acknowledge that these two are intrinsically tied with my real life and the feelings i experience as a CSA/OA survivor. not because i think someone has to go through awful things to write or draw about them necessarily, but because i am passionate about expressing myself. it's important for me to be seen in some way, to be heard after years of silence. it is not safe for me mentally to share the exact details of my abuse online rn (and please don't ask for them!) but i also don't want these two to be removed from the message that i survived something and this is me making art about that in an abstracted and magical way with a fictional universe that brings me a lot of comfort. i hope this makes sense lol

oh and also with that in mind if you think for even a second any of this is a weird sex thing for me or some shit please stop reading this post and go do something else with your time. this is my trauma expression and i don't need to be compared to the people i was abused by when i was a literal toddler thank you!

AANYWAY so! premise! gonna be point blank with it! vee (not her original name but shh) is born as a normal 100% human girl, aka without the eevee ears and tail. she is groomed from a very young age (like, toddler age) and eventually abducted by her groomers which happen to be members of... well right now it's team rocket because i haven't spent the time to worldbuild a new villainous pokemon organization yet. roll with me here. she is taken to a remote facility out in the middle of fucking nowhere and is never returned to her previous life or family.

Why? well i'm glad you asked! the org is running a bunch of different experiments in this facility and one of them happens to be trying to enable humans reproducing with pokemon. this doubles as both a money thing and a power thing. they seek out a child as the victim of these horrible experiments because children are easily malleable. way easier to control a child than an adult who already has a firm identity/self.

vee is the child they chose. surgery is forcibly done on her to give her working eevee ears and tail, and also like, fuck with her body chemistry and stuff. she's biologically part eevee now. yes this is bullshit pokemon magic science LMAO but she is kept in this facility and chronically sexually abused for a few years by pairing her with various mons and trying to get eggs to happen.

the experiment isn't working though so they hypothesize that giving her a dedicated partner, especially of the same evolutionary line, would help, and they raise nova from birth as an eevee to take on that role. eventually the two of them are paired together. despite the acts they are forced to commit on each other and the abuse they endure, they actually become inseparable very quickly cause like. they don't have anyone else. and also they just genuinely care about each other. additionally at this point nova has evolved into an espeon and has telepathic powers, so him and vee can communicate linguistically with each other, so you know that helps

generally my current focus of this story is in the early years, when vee is 12 and younger, before they start realizing that shit is fucked up and they need to escape (up until that hypothetical point they have been successfully groomed into believing everything happening to them was not abuse/was normal). i have left out a metric fuckton of detail here just to get across the basic premise. i am constantly exploring vee's psyche, nova's psyche, it's like an in depth exploration of the mind of an abused child in horrific circumstances and god it's cathartic. i love these two so fucking much

btw i guess this art has more context now huh haha after i infodumped off the plot to my sister they looked at this art again and was like. OHHH THIS IS EVEN MORE OMINOUS AND HARD TO LOOK AT WITH CONTEXT. AND I WAS LIKE YEAH!!!! YOU SEE THE VISION!!! THE SYMBOLISM!! ETC!!!!

uh yeah if you read this far thank you and i just wanna say i've been building up the courage to talk about these two for GENUINELY two years, it has been over 2 full years since that initial drawing, and i am nervous and jittery posting this but i do not want to die without having shared my work with the world and i'm willing to take the risks to get my voice out there. so you reading it is very much appreciated ur like my first step into being more confident as a survivor lol

oh and fwiw despite these guys being so correlated with my trauma it's not offensive to make headcanons or ask me questions about them or compliment darker art of them however you want, in fact i love that shit!! please i've been holding these guys back for two years i have so much to say that hasn't been said. as much as i am nervous i am EXCITED

[lettiegrief]

Now I Want You: A HuaLian fanfic, chapter four

Trigger warnings

This is an +18 fanfic, so it may and/or will contain themes such as suicide, physical and psychological abuse, violence and cruelty, explicit sex, complex or highly impactful sexual situations, and rape. Be careful when reading, do not force yourself and protect yourself.

Contains age gap, Xie Lian is 20 years older than Hua Cheng here.

────୨ৎ────

“Gege, I’ll need to go back to my city tomorrow,” San Lang said one morning while Xie Lian was drinking his coffee, looking unhappy and stressed. “Something happened where I work that requires my presence. Some people really like to cause trouble.”

Xie Lian had stopped eating at the young man’s first word, feeling as if he had been splashed with cold water. So this was what San Lang had been bothered by ever since he showed up at his doorstep that morning, all grumpy and sad like a kicked puppy.

“Oh. Are you… um… are you going back?” He tried to ask as unpretentiously as possible, trying to avoid pressuring San Lang, but he still felt embarrassed for having done so, as if he owed him something like that.

“Yes,” the boy replied before Xie Lian could ask his question. “Yes, of course.” He held one of his hands, gently and eagerly. Xie Lian squeezed his hand in return, feeling comforted. “And I want to keep in touch with you as much as possible while I'm away. Can I get your number?”

Xie Lian nodded and reached out, and San Lang handed over his unlocked phone. He quickly typed in his phone number and saved it in his contacts as “gege :)”. San Lang, upon getting his phone back, smiled at the name Xie Lian chose.

“I sent you a message so you could save mine,” he said after typing something, and when Xie Lian went to check his phone, he saw a smiley face sent from San Lang’s number, making him laugh.

“I’ll miss you,” he pouted, going back to eating without really feeling hungry.

“Not for long, I’ll make sure.” San Lang laughed lightly, the tips of his ears were softly red. “Gege won’t even notice the time passing.”

Xie Lian’s shoulders slumped. “I doubt it. Ever since I met you, I’ve noticed that time passes very quickly when I’m with you.” Xie Lian felt his face heat up after saying this, but he didn’t regret it in the slightest.

San Lang looked delighted, his eyes big and bright. “Gege, you honor me.”

Xie Lian laughed lightly. “By the way, San Lang, changing the subject, your right eye” he pointed to the aforementioned eye, looking deeply, noticing something that had always been there, but he had not noticed until now “is it made of glass?”

The young man nodded. “En. I… lost my eye many years ago. I wear an eye patch most of the time, but I chose to wear a glass eye on this trip.”

Xie Lian let out a soft ‘oh.’ “What happened to make you lose your eye?”

The young man shrugged. “Nothing important, there just came a time when I couldn’t have him anymore,” he declared, and Xie Lian understood that he had no desire to talk about it.

He finished his cup of coffee and his sandwich, and slumped back a little in his chair, sleepy.

“Is everything okay now?”

“Yes. Nothing to worry about. I feel better without it, in fact, it was a nuisance.”

This only made Xie Lian feel more worried and curious, but he tried hard not to ask any questions.

“Gege… I want to take you to a place later, for a proper farewell.”

Xie Lian perked up. “Where to?”

“There’s a lot in the neighboring city tonight. We won’t stay long, I don’t want to disturb your sleep, but there’s something I want you to see there.” 

Xie Lian rested his elbows on the table and his chin in his hands. “And what is it you want to show me?” he asked with a radiant smile.

San Lang smiled back, the tips of his ears turning even redder. “Surprise. And wear the clothes I gave you, I want to see you in them before I leave.”

Xie Lian sighed, resigned. “Okay,” he said, popping a “kay” at the end of the word, feeling happy enough to want to jump up and down.

***

Xie Lian’s happiness and anticipation had been bubbling over all day. He was so excited about the upcoming meeting that he was even humming along while he was at work, not caring about the drivers, who were probably tourists from overseas, that would pass by and throw some trash on the ground for him to sweep up, so much so that Shi Qing Xuan couldn’t help but comment.

“Hmmm, Lao-Xie is so excited today. I wonder what made him so excited?”

Xie Lian smiled and shook his head, his head hanging low. “Well… maybe I’ll go on a date tonight.”

Shi Qing Xuan gave a thin cry, causing Xie Lian to be startled and laugh. “WHO IS IT?! WHO IS MAKING LAO-XIE STOP BEING A STRANDED GUY?!”

Xie Lian looked at him cynically. “Look who's talking.”

Shi Qing Xuan was outraged. “Hey! I still go out on dates, for your information!”

“And you’re still as single as I am.”

He swept a handful of dust at Xie Lian, who failed to dodge it.

“That hurt. Aren’t you taking it easy today, all because of a man? Whoever asked you out needs to make you tone it down a bit.”

Xie Lian laughed. “I don’t think he’ll mind if I’m a little arrogant.”

“Hmmm, confident too, I see. Who is this man who is making my good and gentle Lao-Xie so arrogant today? If you tell me where he comes from, I can find someone like that for myself too.”

“That’s why I won’t be saying anything, I don’t want to risk losing him to you.”

Shi Qing Xuan smirked and raised an eyebrow. “So you still recognize which one of us is the alpha here, good to know.”

Xie Lian raised an eyebrow at him. Shi Qing Xuan ignored him and continued, “But seriously, tell me who he is! I swear I'm just curious, I want to know who this man is who's taking you out of your shell.”

“He's just a friend,” he shook his head. “We're going out, but it's not a real date, I doubt he has those intentions with me.”

“Oh? Could it be that this is one of those cases where a man approaches a single father just because he’s interested in his daughter?”

Xie Lian felt nauseous just thinking about it, and he pushed away any imagination that was already coming to him. “I'll rip his head off if that's what it takes.”

“Uuhhh, I've always wanted to see that side of you. I knew you had a violent side! That sixteen-year-old face of yours and your skinny little body don't fool me.”

Xie Lian laughed, drinking some water before replying. “You flatter me.”

“You still haven’t told me about him.”

Xie Lian sighed. “Well… he’s amazing. He’s so smart, so… it’s so easy to laugh and talk to him. He’s like the spirit of a fox, handsome, clever, cunning, and playful.”

“Describing him like that, it sounds like a scam.”

Xie Lian rolled his eyes. “Honestly, as long as he stays with me, I wouldn't mind any blows.”

“Wow. Now that you have a dick you'd like to sit on, you're pretty excited, huh? Xie Lian discovers the world.”

Red flared up on Xie Lian’s face. “Ah… no—Shi Qing Xuan! Don’t say that, please. I’ve never even thought of it that way.”

Shi Qing Xuan shrugged. “You may not have thought of it, but I doubt you’d turn it down if that man of yours offered it to you.”

Xie Lian had no response to this.

***

The outfit San Lang bought for Xie Lian was a red hanfu with long, flowing sleeves and silver details. The inner robe was white, and the boots were black. The fabric had a delightful grip, soft and warm, like a second skin, and the boots were lined with cotton from the base to the top, making movement more comfortable.

It clearly cost a fortune. Xie Lian tried to refuse as soon as he saw the gift, but San Lang gave him that mistreated puppy look and said “gegeee” and Xie Lian was unable to refuse again.

When San Lang, who was leaning against the car and swinging his legs, saw him, he looked him up and down, and up and down, and his eyes twinkled like little stars. He swallowed hard and his ears turned completely red.

Xie Lian smiled happily. “San Lang.”

San Lang scratched his throat. “Gege.”

Xie Lian twirled around, twirling the end of his fishtail braid around his finger as he turned back to face him. San Lang sighed. “What do you think?”

“Gege is beautiful.” He walked over in a few steps, stretched out his right hand and caressed his cheek, placing his entire hand there, and Xie Lian nestled comfortably into it, smiling sweetly. San Lang bit his lower lip, reached out with his other hand and took Xie Lian’s right hand, putting something in it. His hands were trembling. “Here, I want you to wear this too.”

A red coral earring, a pair of the earring San Lang was wearing tonight.

Xie Lian smiled. “Can San Lang put it on for me?”

The boy let out a shaky sigh between his lips, but nodded quickly. Taking his right earlobe between his fingers, after a few caresses that left Xie Lian's skin crawling, he, with adorable care, hung the earring in the small hole, needing to use a little force because of the years the hole had not been used.

They stood facing each other then, just staring into each other’s eyes.

San Lang cleared his throat and walked away, walking over to the car and opening the passenger door.

“Gege,” he pointed to the seat, “it’s all yours.”

The more they talked, the more Xie Lian discovered how much they had in common and how much San Lang seemed to know about everything, that head of his was a real box of surprises.

“San Lang, do you cultivate?”

“Yes, since I was ten,” he replied, keeping his attention on the road, but Xie Lian only had eyes for him. “I tried to join a sect once, but they rejected me as soon as they laid eyes on me.” San Lang said this with a laugh, but Xie Lian looked at him with unhappy and furious horror.

“What do you mean? They just… kicked you out without even testing you, is that it?”

“Yes,” he nodded.

“Why would they do something like that?”

Xie Lian was beyond indignant. An honorable and righteous cultivation sect should accept everyone’s entry without discrimination and approve those disciples who had the aptitude. But he knew that no matter how beautiful the theory was, the practice was always very different. This did not lessen his anger, however, it only increased it in truth.

San Lang shrugged. “Maybe they’ve decided I’m too cursed to be a righteous cultivator,” he said with clear, carefree amusement, but the last two words were laced with contempt and sarcasm, as if such a term for these people was a hypocritical joke.

“Nonsense!” Xie Lian insisted, his head aching with stress, his brows furrowed tightly. “I’ve never sensed any evil energy from you. And even if you did, does it matter? You’re a good person, I’m sure you’d have a great future as a cultivator, perhaps even as a sect leader!”

The smile San Lang displayed was enough to make Xie Lian feel insulted.

“Are you laughing at me?” he asked, not realizing he was pouting.

“No way,” the young man replied, laughing. Xie Lian scowled, and San Lang saw it and laughed even more. “Gege has never seen my skills and he already speaks so highly of me,” he said, looking very proud of himself.

Xie Lian blushed and looked away to the window.

“Well… I’m just listening to my intuition, I hope one day San Lang will let me know if I’m right or not,” he said after a while in silence, looking back at the boy and smiling.

San Lang looked at him for a moment before looking back at the road. His fingers resting on his leg twitched. “Of course. Would Gege like to duel sometime?”

Xie Lian’s eyes lit up. “Yes!”

“Then this one is honored by the opportunity.”

The rest of the journey was interspersed between moments of solemn silence and lively conversations about martial arts and… well, whatever gossip San Lang had to share.

He parked right in front of the hill when they arrived. After a few minutes of walking, with them bumping into each other's shoulders and Xie Lian giving San Lang's waist a little pinch because he knew he was ticklish there, the two of them reached the top and spread a blanket on the ground.

“I feel like I’m living a cliché drama,” Xie Lian said, lying down and curled up under a duvet, covered up to his neck, looking at San Lang, who, sitting next to him, one leg bent and the other stretched out, seemed very comfortable in the night’s cold of that mountain, he had even raised the cuffs of his red dress shirt, which already had the first few buttons open. Xie Lian frowned at seeing him so carefree in the cold and threw part of the quilt over him, who reacted by blinking and tilting his head to the side.

“What do you mean?”

“You know when the male lead takes the female lead on a ride to an amusement park, they go on the ferris wheel, look at the stars, she says ‘it’s so beautiful’ and he says ‘it really is’? So I kind of feel that way now, only without the amusement park and the romance.”

San Lang smiled in a way that made Xie Lian freeze, and his eyes took on a bright glow. Xie Lian felt like this reaction came up quite often.

“What was the last drama you watched?” The sudden question caused Xie Lian to feel so confused that he could do nothing but look up at the sky.

“Something about a demon god and a woman who went back in time to kill him. I watched it with my daughter.”

“Hm, I know this one! So gege likes romances like that?” The mischief in San Lang’s voice and his wolfish smile, which Xie Lian only saw because the young man made sure to block his view of the sky with his face, made him look at him suspiciously.

“Like what?”

“Demon and god. The darkness attracting the celestial; the celestial not resisting the darkness.”

Xie Lian blushed, for some reason. “I think so…”

San Lang lay down, resting his face on his hand with his elbow resting on the ground, smiling with evil intentions. “Would Gege like to have someone to make him go from a good boy to a bad boy?” he whispered, half playfully, half maliciously, as if he wasn’t taking his own words seriously, but his question was still sincere.

Xie Lian could see a fox’s tail swaying lazily back and forth on San Lang.

He only blushed even more, his entire face was red by now.

“I… don’t know… San Lang, what kind of question is that…?” he muttered, confused, scared, and amazed, as if he was facing a much more powerful evil spirit, strong enough to defeat him.

Xie Lian didn’t know whether to fight or let himself be dominated.

San Lang’s smile wavered, but soon returned with a new look.

“Don’t take it seriously,” he said, “I’m just yapping.”

This only made Xie Lian feel worse.

Suddenly, San Lang looked up at the sky and pointed. “Look, gege.”

And as Xie Lian looked, his breath caught.

A shower of stars.

Several followed one another, filling the sky with bright silver streaks.

And then, to his right, something streaked across the sky in a turquoise flash that illuminated the entire city, like a sun of cold light.

Xie Lian, who had stood up, was open-mouthed and wide-eyed, staring at the sky in fascination even minutes after this spectacle, as if he was waiting for more.

“Ah… I wonder if Ban Yue saw that? San Lang, that was incredible!” The way Xie Lian spoke made it seem like San Lang had planned the passage of the stars and the comet just for him, which made the young man laugh.

“She must have seen it, I told her that there would be this phenomenon today and that I had invited you to watch it with me somewhere else.”

That’s why she didn’t seem surprised when I told her I was going out with San Lang and saw me wearing the clothes he bought for me, Xie Lian thought.

“And what did she say to you?” Xie Lian looked at him, lying back down. San Lang was already looking at him.

“She accused me of stealing you from her.” 

This made Xie Lian laugh. He tilted his head to the side, letting his braid slide over his shoulder. San Lang parted his lips slightly, letting out a sigh. 

“And are you?” Xie Lian asked. 

San Lang laughed lightly. “Maybe. I feel like having gege all to myself all the time.”

Xie Lian blushed at the intonation San Lang gave his voice when he said this, looked away and shook his head, laughing embarrassedly. “It seems like you’re getting a lot of roles with Ban Yue.”

“Hmm, that’s true. First dàge, then your movie stand-in, now father-thief. I wonder what the next one will be.”

Xie Lian laughed again.

“I really hope I can see you again soon. I want to redo that recipe with your tips for you, Hua Cheng.” Xie Lian said his name with a smile.

Hua Cheng’s eyes widened in surprise, but he soon smiled again, looking pleased. “When did gege find out?”

“You left your computer open near me once. Plus, the day we met, you seemed to know so much about the Underworld that I couldn’t help but be curious.”

“...” Hua Cheng sighed, laughing in fright. “Gege had just woken up during sleep paralysis, and he still managed to pay attention to this?”

Xie Lian shrugged, smiling innocently. “Maybe Hua Cheng needs to be more careful next time.”

Hua Cheng laughed again in admiration. “Gege, I actually prefer you to call me San Lang.”

────୨ৎ────

The author has something to say:

I don't know anything about astronomy/astrophysics, I just like clichés and I'm not going to let go of a beautiful scene that I visualized just cuz of science lol

I think I should change the title to “The father thief”.

Chapter three — Chapter five (coming soon)

Like what I write? Support me on ko-fi!

[randomperson99sworld]

Ruffled Feathers 🪶

~ Part 24 ~

Summary: Julia Morgan, Bobby's niece, has always been a royal thorn in Dean Winchesters ass since the day they met 1 year ago at Bobby's memorial. She wants to be a hunter, he thinks she's a dumb kid playing dress up. Will she always be seen as an unwanted load in Dean's eyes or will he see something more?

Pairing: Dean x OC

Warnings: Age gap, language, sexual themes (used lightly), physical abuse (Not by Dean).

Word Count: 1,001

A/N: Please note the events won't be accurate to the show as I haven't watched it in a while. Stated as always, this story is cross posted on Wattpad. I hope you've enjoyed the story so far though! Happy reading! ♥️

As they prepared to leave, Dean turned to Julia, his expression serious, the weight of everything on his shoulders. "You're staying back on this one," he said firmly, already bracing for her reaction.

Julia, unsurprisingly, wasn't thrilled. Her eyes narrowed, arms crossed. "Seriously, Dean? Again? I'm not made of glass, you know."

Dean sighed, running a hand through his hair. "I know you're not, but this one's different. It's dangerous—worse than usual. I don't want you getting caught in the crossfire."

"You mean you don't trust yourself because of the Mark," Julia said, cutting to the heart of it. She wasn't stupid. She knew he was more worried about losing control than he was about the case itself.

Dean tensed but didn't deny it. "Yeah, maybe. But either way, I'm not risking it. Just stay here, help out with research."

Julia huffed in annoyance but relented. "Fine. But if you come back in worse shape than the last time, don't expect any sympathy."

Dean smirked faintly. "Wouldn't dream of it."

With that, Dean and Sam left the bunker, leaving Julia frustrated but ultimately worried. She knew something was coming, something big, and Dean wasn't ready for it. None of them were.

After hours of tracking down leads, Sam and Dean finally uncovered that the First Blade had been taken by Cuthbert Sinclair, a rogue member of the Men of Letters who now went by the name Magnus. He had stolen the Blade years ago to add to his collection of supernatural artifacts, hiding himself away in a massive, enchanted mansion.

The brothers managed to locate Magnus and his mansion, and after a tense encounter, they were allowed inside. Magnus was charismatic, but there was a disturbing obsession with his "collection," which he proudly showed off. The First Blade was there, kept under glass like a trophy. But it wasn't long before things turned sour.

Magnus, fascinated by Dean and the Mark of Cain, decided that Dean would be his next prized addition. "You're unique, Dean. The Mark of Cain, that kind of power—it belongs in my collection." His voice was smooth, but his intentions were anything but.

Dean's hand itched, feeling the pull of the Mark as Magnus' words hit him. "I'm nobody's trophy," Dean growled.

Before they could react, Magnus used his magic to freeze Sam in place, leaving Dean to fight off his guards. In the chaos, Dean managed to break free and grab the First Blade. The moment his hand wrapped around the hilt, the Mark flared to life, surging through him with a dark, intoxicating power.

Magnus laughed. "You feel it, don't you? That's the power you were meant to wield."

Dean's grip on the Blade tightened, his vision narrowing as the world around him blurred. The Mark was taking over, pushing him toward violence, urging him to kill.

Sam, still trapped, called out, "Dean! Don't let it control you!"

But it was too late. Dean, consumed by the Mark's influence, swung the Blade with brutal force, decapitating Magnus in one swift motion. The room went silent, and Sam was freed from Magnus' spell, but Dean just stood there, breathing heavily, the Blade still in his hand.

Sam approached cautiously. "Dean, drop the Blade. It's over."

Dean's hand trembled as he struggled to release the weapon, his mind fighting against the overwhelming desire to keep holding it, to use it again.

Finally, with visible effort, he dropped the Blade to the ground, taking a step back as if he'd just come out of a trance. His eyes met Sam's, wide with shock and fear. "It... it felt right," Dean muttered, his voice thick with guilt. "Too right."

Before they could fully process what had happened, Crowley appeared in the room, his usual smug grin in place. "What a mess."

Dean glared at him. "Not now, Crowley."

Crowley's eyes flickered to the Blade on the ground. "I think now's the perfect time, actually." Without warning, Crowley snatched up the Blade, holding it out of reach. "Don't worry, boys. I'll take good care of this until we're ready to go after Abaddon. Can't have you losing your heads—literally—before the big showdown."

Sam stepped forward. "Crowley, give it back."

Crowley shook his head, wagging a finger. "Oh, I don't think so. Not until you've dealt with your little... Mark problem. Besides, I need to make sure you won't turn this on me. Can't have any accidents now, can we?"

Dean clenched his fists, but Sam held him back, knowing there was no use fighting Crowley right now.

Crowley smirked, twirling the Blade in his hand. "Find Abaddon, and I'll return it. Until then, it's mine."

With that, Crowley vanished, leaving the brothers standing in the aftermath of the fight.

Dean ran a hand over his face, the weight of everything pressing down on him. "I don't know if I can do this, Sam. The Mark... it's stronger than I thought."

Sam placed a hand on his brother's shoulder. "We'll figure it out. But right now, we need to focus on Abaddon. One step at a time."

Dean nodded, but the doubt remained in his eyes. The Mark of Cain wasn't just a burden; it was becoming a part of him. And the more he used the Blade, the harder it would be to fight its influence.

Back at the bunker, Julia was waiting anxiously, pacing the library when Sam and Dean returned. The moment Dean walked in, tired and still shaken, she rushed over to him, relief flooding her face. "You're back."

Dean, still worn down from the events with Magnus, managed a tired smile. "Yeah, I'm back."

Julia didn't hesitate, wrapping her arms around him in a quick hug. Startled, Dean froze for a moment before slowly hugging her back, still processing everything. Their usual banter hung in the air, but there was an unspoken understanding between them now—a closeness neither of them wanted to acknowledge just yet.

But for now, they had bigger problems.

[aspoonofsugar]

hi!! i just came across your blog & am loving your bsd meta & analyses so much!!! :)

i was wondering if i could ask, in this post you say this about sskk:

The point is that Akutagawa represents everything Atsushi doesn’t want to accept about himself (the violence, the possibility of being left behind, how pathetic and wrong it is to let one’s worth being decided by others’ praise etc.). At the same time Atsushi is the same for Akutagawa.

…and i assume the same is true for skk (the soukoku curse… but also the very reason they work so well together). my opinion on what Chuuya sees mirrored in Dazai is something you talk about in this post (which is quite possibly my favorite bsd meta i’ve ever read… you put into words so well the ideas that have been circulating in my head for months!!)

…deep down Chuya wants to die…This is why he is so disturbed by Dazai's suicidal tendencies. He sees a dark mirror of himself in the other boy.

Chuuya “hates” Dazai because he sees his struggle staring back at him— the temptation he is constantly having to fight against, Dazai is pursuing. why does Chuuya fight it? because he is always trying to find an anchor for his humanity.

so i was wondering if you have any thoughts on what Dazai sees mirrored in Chuuya that makes him “hate” Chuuya (except they really just hate that part of themselves)

i have so many things from that second post that i’d love to ask you to expand on, but i’ve already made this way too long, sorry!! but lastly, do you believe that underneath the superficial annoyance, & the mirroring that rubs them the wrong way, Dazai and Chuuya really do care for each other? i’m not big into shipping, but i cannot accept that they are not genuinely friends bc while their words say one thing, their actions say another. thanks again for your analyses!! <3

Hi,

Thank you so much for this ask and your kind words! I would say that the answer to your first question is found in the same post you linked:

Dazai's skill is called No Longer Human because he feels inhuman:

"He's already dead," said Chuuya. "Quit shooting his corpse." Dazai was puzzled. His expression was bizarrely childlike- fit for a boy his age, yet unlike any he had shown before. His lips suddenly curled into a gloomy smile. "You're right. When you're right, you're right. That's the most common reaction to have." (...) His expression was back to how it usually was: lifeless and utterly disinterested. "Ha-ha. Normal. Ha-ha-ha." (Fifteen)

Dazai sees himself as wrong and thinks Chuya is far more normal than he is. Sure, he has an incredibly powerful skill, but deep down he is just another kid. This is why the reveal of Chuya's background leaves such an impact on Dazai:

Chuya: Arahabaki is me.

It forces him to look outside himself and to reconsider what it means to be human. The point of Dazai's character is that he thinks he is this impossible to read being, who stands above others. And yet, he is really a normal person. Not only that, but he is also pretty childish. He wants friends and grows attached to the few people who step into his loneliness (Mori, Chuya, Oda, Ango, Akutagawa, the ADA). And yet, he sucks at communicating with them out of fear, which leads to more problems than needed. In synthesis, the story of Dazai in Fifteen is really that of an emo kid, who discovers the jock has more reason than him to be emo.

This is why Chuya grows linked to the idea of humanity in Dazai's mind.

In short, Dazai reminds Chuya of his wish to die/live, while Chuya reminds Dazai of his monstrosity/humanity. Death/life and monster/human are the two themes that are intertwined in Chuya and Dazai's relationship. So, Dazai is both drown and envious of Chuya because Chuya is really a normal person, who is also a born monster. Dazai himself is instead human, but he feels a monster (no longer human) hence why he is lonely. To summarize:

Chuya is repulsed by Dazai because he embodies his own suicidal tendencies.

Dazai is envious of Chuya because he is a monster, who feels like a person more than Dazai.

As for your second question, yes, Chuya and Dazai definately care for each other:

Fifteen is the story of how Dazai and Chuya find a friend, basically. They both can't act their age because they are too different from their peers (too smart and too strong respectively). Still, they behave as kids with each other.

Storm Bringer shows Dazai risking the destruction of the whole city to prove Chuya is human. He is also clearly the person who believes in Chuya's humanity the most.

Dead Apple has Chuya risk his life to save Dazai's and he is clearly worried about Dazai when he is hurt by Lovecraft.

On another note, even if you said you are not into shipping... I really do think the subtext of Chuya and Dazai's relationship is meant to be read as romantic. Or at least as teasing... Two examples:

Dead Apple has Dazai play Snowhite and Chuya play the Prince

Storm Bringer parallels Chuya and Dazai's partnership with Verlaine and Rimbaudt, who have had a pretty famous love story

By this I don't mean they are canon or will be canon, but simply that there is the intended willingness to have people ship them. Anyway, Chuya and Dazai do care about each other, but they would never admit it!

Thank you for the ask!

[pagesandpagestogo]

January Reading Wrap-Up

The first month of the new year is over, and with it begins a whole new year of reading goals! I personally set my goal to 24, which was the number of books I read last year, but considering I've already read 12 this month (okay, two of them were short stories) I'm feeling pretty confident about overcoming that goal!

I thought it would be a good idea for me to write down short reviews of books I read each month, as a way to help me better understand what it is that I like about books. I've never been very critical with my ratings, as you'll notice soon, so I'm hoping that the more thought I put into the reading I've done, the less 5 star ratings I'm giving out.

Books I'll be discussing below:

A Court of Silver Flames, by Sarah J. Maas

Ankle Snatcher, by Grady Hendrix

The Pram, by Joe Hill

Don't Let Her Stay, by Nicola Sanders

The Hobbit, by J.R.R. Tolkien

Red, White & Royal Blue, by Casey McQuiston

The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, by Douglas Adams

Do Not Disturb, by Freida McFadden

Mister Magic, by Kiersten White

Circe, by Madeline Miller

The Restaurant at the End of the Universe, by Douglas Adams

The Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes, by Suzanne Collins

And of course, here are my Goodreads and Storygraph profiles if you're interested!

A Court of Silver Flames Sarah J. Maas

“The struggle with that darkness is worth it, just to see such things.”

As you could probably expect considering this is the last (at time of writing this) book in the series, I’ve read all of the books to come before it. And this is actually my favorite one.

Which surprised me, I kept seeing a bunch of bad reviews and people talking about how unlikable Nesta is, but I really just don’t agree. I mean, yes, Nesta’s unlikeable at first. That’s the point, character growth and whatnot, but I actually found her much more relatable than Feyre ever was. In fact, I’d go on to say the romance of this book is more fun than the romance of the rest of the series. I adore Feyre and Rhys, don’t get me wrong, but sometimes it’s really nice having a relationship that has more emotional conflict to it. In fiction, at least.

Feyre and Rhys in this book both come off as very up their own asses, which I always imaged had something to do with why people aren’t as fond of this book. But I honestly was a big fan of it. It’s interesting to me seeing the way a character you thought you knew so well can appear from a different POV.

And all that aside, I do genuinely enjoy the arc Nesta goes through, and I really found her emotional struggles very relatable. It felt so worth it coming out at the end and seeing just everything we overcame with her.

4.5 Stars

Ankle Snatcher Grady Hendrix

"They live in our closets and under our beds, and after dark they come out when we break the rules. We’re serving time for the boogeymen’s crimes.”

I liked how the theme for this short story was very clearly generational trauma, being shown in a physical sense with these sorts of demons that are physically following people down the generational line. In the case of the main character here, it’s a monster under his bed that will kill him if he gets out of bed at night, this monster having come to him after being attached to his father. I’m a sucker for generational trauma as a theme, especially when it’s shown in a bit more abstract ways. It was a really quick and easy read, I honestly just was reading it when I had nothing to do at work, and it was really digestible as a horror short story. I'm a very big fan of Grady Hendrix's writing style, and I think it really works well in the form of a short story.

4 Stars

The Pram Joe Hill

It never once crossed his mind that he was depressed, too, that he had also lost a child.

The Pram was a very emotional experience to me. I’m not going to really divulge much of the plot, as there is a very heavy content warning for loss of a child, but I do think it’s important to share the remaining emotions connected to the story. The main character is shown to be developing resentments regarding the content warning above, and we as the reader get to watch as it slowly begins to take over him. It’s an interesting perspective to see from, as there is even a moment where the very obvious root of the resentment starts making sense, and you begin to understand he doesn’t resent the situation, but rather his own emotional reaction to it. I think Joe Hill is a really talented author, especially with situations that aren’t always completely comfortable to readers, but it’s handled in a way that made this a very emotional read.

4 Stars

Don't Let Her Stay Nicola Sanders

'Don’t stand too close to any balustrades, Mrs. Atkinson.’

I honestly keep having a hard time trying to put this one into words. It twists and turns and sometimes I loved it and sometimes I didn’t.

It was the kind of book that made me confused, sometimes unsure how things were going to go, and always eager to find out. Yet simultaneously I just kept feeling like the main character was far too oblivious. I may have enjoyed the uncertainty of what I was experiencing, but the main character really felt like she was just gliding along in life with no understanding of why the sky was blue.

I’d have my suspicions about the twists shortly before they happened, but I still wasn’t really displeased to see them play out. Unfortunately, I did still find myself a bit disappointed with the outcome, despite enjoying most of the journey. I don’t know how to explain it without spoiling, and I’d like to avoid spoiling since I understand that a lot of people can still get enjoyment out of this book, regardless of the opinion of an internet stranger. I don’t think this book isn’t worth the read, and I’d hate to turn someone off of reading it because I couldn’t help myself and spoiled it while attempting to discuss my thoughts. I guess if anyone is ever interested in asking questions or discussing, I’m here to talk!

3.75 Stars

The Hobbit J.R.R. Tolkien

“Go back?” he thought. “No good at all! Go sideways? Impossible! Go forward? Only thing to do! On we go!”

I don’t even know what to say here. If you haven’t read The Hobbit yet, then I don’t know what I could say to incentivize you! At this point, I don’t personally know a single person that doesn’t have at least some understanding and interest of the Lord of the Rings franchise.

If you’ve been interested in the franchise but have been a bit stressed about reading the **book (like I have) then The Hobbit is a great start. The fun and adventure that J.R.R. Tolkien is known for, and The Hobbit is a far smaller book than the rest of the franchise. I’m a sucker for immersion reading (reading while listening to the audiobook at the same time) and I highly recommend the Andy Serkis version of the audiobook, if you choose to listen. He’s a wonderful actor and does an amazing job reading the book, and you just can’t deny getting to hear Gollum himself reading Gollum dialogue!

5 Stars

Red, White & Royal Blue Casey McQuiston

"With me it is quite stark: I miss you even more than I could have believed; and I was prepared to miss you a good deal."

This book is fun, and that’s a fact that rings true no matter what I say about it.

I’m not always the biggest fan of the writing, but sometimes I’m in love with it. Sometimes I find the concept incredibly silly, while other times I think it’s an interesting idea. It’s not incredibly deep or thought provoking, but it did give me the opportunity for some introspection. It might not make you cry, but you might have some strong feelings. You might roll your eyes, you might laugh. I may not have always been in the mood to read it, but I still had difficulty putting it down.

Above everything, this is the most important sentiment I have to say about it:

Sometimes it was incredibly, eye-rollingly, gushy. Sappy, even. But it kept making me smile and think about my own experiences with love. At the end of the day, I don’t care about the times that it felt a little silly, maybe even like fanfiction. I got a really good, loving experience out of it. I might not read it again, but I know I’ll keep going back to the quotes I highlighted from it.

4 Stars

The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy Douglas Adams

“I think you ought to know I’m feeling very depressed,”

The first time I read this book, I was a teenager. And even before I read it, it still had a very prominent place in my household. My dad was always making references to it, my very first email address had a “42” slapped proudly on the end of it, this book was always just in my general consciousness, whether I fully understood why or not. This book, despite being a fun sci-fi adventure with an interesting outlook on life and the creation of it, is just so ungodly funny. I’ll never not cackle at “[t]he ships hung in the sky in much the same way that bricks don’t.” The humor is just effortless, and rereading through it, it becomes clear just how much of our modern humor, whether intentional or not, is at least partially derived from this series.

It’s a very quick book, and really worth the read.

5 Stars

Do Not Disturb Freida McFadden

I’ve never attempted to get blood out of my clothing before

I was honestly really invested in this to begin with. I adore the movie Psycho, and this book clearly began as a love letter to it. Plot points are almost beat for beat in certain aspects, it almost read as though the author was looking to see what her take on a story with the same premise would be. And I loved it for a good minute! Then the twist happened. The twist isn’t entirely bad, just very uncharacteristic and makes the book impossible to reread, as suddenly a good amount of the book just doesn’t make sense anymore. It really doesn’t line up with the twist. You know that thing people complain about with Frozen, like “it doesn’t make sense for Hans to be a twist villain, we see him smiling fondly at Anna when she’s out of shot! She would have no way of seeing that, so who was he trying to fool?” It just felt like that. Too focused on making the twist shocking and exciting, and not enough focus on making it an actual reasonable twist.

3 Stars

Mister Magic Kiersten White

"You never forget the lesson that they would rather destroy you than let you inconvenience them.”

I really adore this book. I always loved the Creepypasta Candle Cove, which this book very clearly took heavy inspiration from. And I absolutely mean that as a good thing. Chapters will end with forum posts, podcast discussions, AO3 posts. (Yes, really) It’s a very clear love letter to the fascination with lost media and Creepypastas. I loved the paths this book took, I adored the characters, and I loved the premise. When I first finished the book, I found myself slightly confused by the way it ended. I foresaw a complete separate ending, I couldn’t understand why this was the ending the author went with. But then I read the acknowledgements at the end of the book, and immediately the tears fell. I got it instantly, and I just loved it even more.

5 Stars

Circe Madeline Miller

You threw me to the crows, but it turns out I prefer them to you.

I had always heard people say that this book wasn’t anywhere near as good as Song of Achilles. I ADORED Song of Achilles, so I was a bit hesitant to read this book. I understand everyone’s tastes are different, but man I just loved this one so much more. What’s not to love about a woman living in isolation, turning men into pigs for stepping foot on her island.

There’s a lot of emotional hardships in this book, and yet I couldn’t put it down. Originally I had worried about the book running slow, considering the limited locations available for the story, but it really flowed nicely and I was never bored. I’m a sucker for retellings of mythology, and Circe is just so wonderful.

5 Stars

The Restaurant at the End of the Universe Douglas Adams

In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.

This is going to seem lazy, but everything I said for the first book is the same here. Really there’s not much else to say. It’s more time with the fun characters that were introduced in the first book, as well as some new additions as well. I adore the titular restaurant as well, it’s such a fun concept to me and it was really enjoyable reading the scenes taking place in it!

5 Stars

The Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes Suzanne Collins

People had short memories. They needed to navigate the rubble, peel off the grubby ration coupons, and witness the Hunger Games to keep the war fresh in their minds. Forgetting could lead to complacency, and then they’d all be back at square one.

Sometimes I really am a sucker for a main character that I don’t agree with.

Going into this, I knew I wasn’t going to agree with him. That’s kind of the point, isn’t it? To see the creation of the monster we know from the original trilogy. But he’s so human, and it’s kind of sad. Not sad from a writing perspective, she did a great job introducing nuance to the character. But it’s sad because it shows just how normal and natural a person may live and portray themselves, despite having the thoughts and feelings they do.

I adore this franchise, The Hunger Games is just so wonderful and I always love rereading the books. The last time I reread them was Valentine’s Day of last year, so who knows, maybe I’ll do that again this year.

My absolute favorite part of the book is seeing the little bits and pieces that you recognize of Snow from the original trilogy. Things that may seem inconsequential, if you’re reading this book as a new fan, but acts almost like little nods to the people who know what his future holds. The creation of this book, and the new movie based on it, has introduced a lot of people to the fandom. And it makes me so happy seeing all these new takes and perspectives!

5 Stars

[thinplacesradio]

a black-sand beach, dark blue frothy-waved ocean, hazy fog. the image is distorted by green and pink VCR static. white text reads:

[018] THE CALF. A CALLER RELAYS A DREAM. THE HOST GOES TO THE SEA.

listen here, or anywhere you find your podcasts. transcript under the cut:

[static, radio tuning]

[Traveling Sales Rep: Don’t touch that dial! We’ll be right back, after these short messages.] [static, radio tuning]

[click]

Hello and welcome to Thin Places Radio. I’m your host,

and it is the middle of the night. But don’t worry. You’re not alone.

[Thin Places theme] [ocean sounds]

I’m coming to you small from my studio, which is what I like to call this rocky, small-stoned beach at the shore of an unending ocean, at the edge of the world. I took the train as far as I could, and I let my feet take me from there. I thought it would be leading me to something. But it’s just the sea, and I can’t even see it in front of me. I know it’s there by the great heaviness of the dark, and by the sound of the waves. 

I respect the ocean, violent with life, filled to the brim with undrinkable water. And, I respect her even more at night. In the absence of sight, just one thing remains: the knowledge that I am a single drop of life here, in the presence of an alien god, and that she could take me away and no one would even know that it had happened. No one, perhaps, except you. 

So… what is Thin Places Radio? Well, you can call in about anything strange that you’ve got going on in your life - feelings, omens, premonitions, hauntings.

Did you spot something a little too familiar while scrolling through the apps? 

Are you bringing a dream into your waking hours? 

Are you interrogating your opinions about mushrooms? 

Call in, get it off your chest. Lines are open.

[click] [voicemail:]

Hi, first time caller. Love your show. Just so amazing. But I had a… really disturbing dream the other night. I was getting into my vehicle, and in the passenger seat, there was a football shaped object wrapped up in, in fabric. and I, uh, picked it up, and when I unwrapped it, it was a small cow head. Um. It was alive. It was looking at me and blinking. It had brown fur and a white diamond patch between its big innocent brown eyes. It made no noise though, except for breathing out its nose and moving its mouth trying to taste my shirt with its tongue. It was no blood around the neck area. There was not even any gore present. It was smoothed over fur like the rest of it. At one point I sit down - or, I sit it down on the grass to see if it would eat. And it immediately tried to do so, but couldn't swallow the chewed up grass. That's all really all I could remember of the dream. I decided to write all of it down just to see if I could figure it out. And I think that the dead bovine head - or the undead bovine head - still alive, small, detached from its body, feeling helplessness when seeing it. Feeling an urge to help the poor creature. I wanted to protect it. Feeling like it was a lost cause, but feeling guilty for thinking those thoughts. I know it'll never live, with or without my help. But I found it in a vehicle all wrapped up. I thought it was cute. Like I could be friends with it. Like I wanted to protect it from harm. I knew no one would understand if they saw me with it. They would want me to throw it away. Did I feel ashamed for wanting to be friends with something or someone - anyone - so badly that I would call an undead animal head a friend? Cuz I - I don't know. That's wrong, but I did it anyway. Because I saw something doomed and felt like I could save it. Is this my subconscious telling me… what to fix in my life? Or am I reading too much into this? It was only a dream though. I just thought I'd tell you these things and see what you thought about it. Thanks. 

[click]

Thank you for sharing this beautiful, vivid dream, caller. It feels like I was in it with you. You aren’t reading too much into it, but I wonder if you’re reading the right thing. You read shame, feeling like you had to fix your life. But you described a miracle. 

[searching music]

Here’s what I heard: You saw something strange and impossible and frightening and precious, and you tried to care for it. You tried to help, you empathized, and you wanted to protect it. What is so shameful about finding friendship in an unlikely place? What is wrong about trying to save something doomed? It’s undead, which means it’s still alive. Just a different kind of life. That’s beautiful, too. And even if it doesn’t live, is its life less valuable because it is short and bizarre? Is your kindness wasted? Of course not. It never is, no matter how it feels. No matter how it turns out. 

[click] [bubbles] [sounds of a creature moving in the deep]

“Can you pull in Leviathan with a fishhook, or tie down its tongue with a rope? 

Can you put a cord through its nose or pierce its jaw with a hook?

Will it keep begging you for mercy? Will it speak to you with gentle words?

If you lay a hand on it, you will remember the struggle and never do it again!

"I will not fail to speak of Leviathan’s limbs, its strength and its graceful form.

Who can strip off its outer coat? Who can penetrate its double coat of armor?

Who dares open the doors of its mouth, ringed about with fearsome teeth?

Its back has rows of shields tightly sealed together;

each is so close to the next that no air can pass between.

Its snorting throws out flashes of light; its eyes are like the rays of dawn.

Flames stream from its mouth; sparks of fire shoot out.

Smoke pours from its nostrils as from a boiling pot over burning reeds.

Iron it treats like straw and bronze like rotten wood.

Arrows do not make it flee; slingstones are like chaff to it.

It makes the depths churn like a boiling caldron and stirs up the sea like a pot of ointment.

It leaves a glistening wake behind it; one would think the deep had white hair.

Nothing on earth is its equal - a creature without fear.

It looks down on all that are haughty; it is king over all that are proud.”

[click] [ocean sounds]

I was hoping there would be a big answer here at the brink, but there's only a small one: a child used to come here with her family. She collected shell fragments and screamed at how cold the water was and forgot to put on sunscreen. She's standing here now, still. Much changed. But still looking out into the same expanse, even if she can't see it. Even if she'll never see the sun again.

[click]

Thank you for listening, callers, and thank you for calling, listeners. I hope you feel a little bit lighter. I know I do. As always, our number is 717.382.8093. That’s 717.382.8093. Until next time. I’ll be here.

[static] [Traveling Sales Rep: visit us at the - diner just off -] [Various Garbled Voices: the - road - provides - the - road - provides -]

Thin Places Radio is a podcast written by Kristen O’Neal and produced by Kaitlin Bruder. The voice of Your Host is Kristen O’Neal.

Tonight’s voicemail was left for us by Timothy. Editing and sound design are by Kaitlin Bruder, and the music tracks you heard in tonight’s episode are: the Thin Places theme, by Miles Morkri, and Umeed by RANA. If you have a question to ask, a story to tell, or a suggestion for the host, give us a call at ‪(717) 382-8093‬. The lines are always open.

[Thin Places Theme outro]

[camaro-and-smokes]

The Letter

Rating: Mature Warning: Major Character Death Category: M/M Fandom: Stranger Things (TV 2016) Relationship: Billy Hargrove/Steve Harrington Characters: Steve Harrington, Billy Hargrove Additional Tags: Harringrove, Heavy Angst, I mean seriously heavy, Mentions of Death

Notes: This is my 9th and final entry to the @harringroveson-bingo 2022-2023 square A1: What could've been. NOTE! This fic has an overall theme that some might find disturbing. If you choose to read, make sure you have tissues. Because I cried my eyes off when I wrote this.

Summary: The fact that the letter needed to be written in the first place was the worst.

::::::::::

Billy,

Steve looked at the name on the paper. How it smudged when his tear fell on the ink that hadn’t yet dried in full. He let out a frustrated scream and crushed the paper, chucking it onto the floor with other crumbled papers that covered the big part of the room’s floor.

He leaned onto the table and pressed the heels of his palms into his eyes, and took a deep breath to keep himself from crying again. The sleeves and the hem of his shirt were soaked because he had run out of tissues a long time ago. But he couldn’t leave the house to buy more before he got his feelings on a paper.

It was the only way he knew to tackle the bottomless hurt that was his life now after a long agonizing time—and yet, all too soon.

He wanted the letter to be perfect, but it felt like every start had something wrong from the get go.

But everything was wrong now. Him having to write the letter in the first place was the worst.

His head hurt, his eyes hurt, and his heart ached. If ever, now he knew that heart could indeed break. Because his had.

And nothing would ever make it better.

He was angry at Billy for leaving. For going away. For hurting him like no one else ever could. Shattering his heart into a thousand pieces. It could never be put together again the way it had been.

Maybe he should’ve told Billy that his leaving would make him a shadow of his former self. Maybe it would’ve made all the difference. Maybe Billy would’ve stayed if he had.

But Billy probably had known that even without him saying the words.

Steve knew it was useless, all this anger. But he was at a point he would’ve done anything to have Billy back. If it would make a difference, he would travel on the other side of the world to find him. He would give his left kidney, if it changed everything. His life, even.

The things he would do just to see Billy one more time, to have him in his arms, just once more. Just one more touch, one more kiss.

People told him he would find someone new. That he would get over Billy.

As if it was that simple. How do you get over someone who made you the person you are? Someone you wanted to make happy every moment of every day? Someone who made you happy just by existing?

Why would you ever want to get over something like that?

He sat back down, and took another paper in front of him, and started writing.

Billy… You broke me into a thousand pieces. My life halted that moment on that couch when you left. I’m still there, sitting, still unable to breathe, just waiting for you to come back into my arms.

I’ve never hurt more, and I wish you could feel how much. I know it’s not fair to think like that. But you took everything from me. I was left with nothing, and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to live.

Because you were my everything.

There’s so much we should’ve done instead of what we did. We used to bicker about such useless things and moped in different rooms.

We should’ve taken that trip to Hawaii you always wanted. I don’t know why I always said no. Just a long weekend. Two days off from work. I could’ve done that. Or the grass in the backyard that always burned in the summer when there wasn’t enough rain. I should’ve just changed it into a plastic one and you would've had green grass all year long.

Or we should've had that baby you so much wanted, with a surrogate mother. Then I’d at least have them to remind me of you. Someone looking like you. Maybe even being a little like you.

So many things you wanted, and I denied them from you. And now I see I denied them also from myself.

What could have been if in all those moments I would’ve just listened instead and agreed to what you wanted? And then just kissed everything better.

Yes, we should’ve kissed so much more. And made love. Even though I loved your mind, it was never a secret that I adored your body. I don’t think I can ever touch anyone the way I did you.

I don’t think I will ever even want to.

I wish I’d known how to fix everything. How to fix whatever was causing it all, quietly eating you from the inside until it was too late to stop it.

But I know these what ifs are useless. You’re beyond of point of no return. You’re not coming back. The fucking cancer took you from me.

I loved you so much. More than I realized even myself until now when I can no longer tell you.

I just wish that when my words weren’t enough to tell you how much I loved you, my deeds spoke for themselves, even if they weren't always perfect, and that all of them together said everything you needed to hear.

Billy, you will forever be my first and my last, my alpha and my omega, my everything.

Now my only wish is that when it’s my time to join you, you’ll be at the gates, waiting.

Your ever loving husband, Steve

[mdhwrites]

This is a me thing, but one trope I’m tired of with even if I understand why it’s used is a previously masked character having their face revealed to indicate they are sympathetic or a “real” character now. I think my main complaint is how it’s often used as an easy shorthand to indicate a character is now deserving of sympathy or more focus from the narrative without any other buildup. Hunter in Hunting Palisman is an example for me of the former, and Steve was an example of the latter (especially since he spent an entire episode with King with the mask on)

So I actually find this trope especially fascinating for TOH from the perspective that it could have been a one off episode concept about different ways people express themselves comfortably. Of Luz learning a lesson that is actually tied into the main theme of the show instead of the self expression stuff mostly being tied to the overall plot of the show. I'll get into that in a bit though because I do want to first talk about the difficulties of masked characters and how they're treated because while it's a pretty simple concept, it's one that's easily overlooked by people because we don't think about it.

So first there's just the basic human fact that we like things that look like us. It's easier to connect with them and to bastardize the other. This is kind of baked into our brains, as much as I wish it wasn't, and something as simple as a mask can be enough to cause disturbance, especially if the mask in question removes the ability to perceive someone's eyes and mouth. Not only are they lacking features we associate with ourselves, they've also robbed us of the ability to read their emotions through one of the two most expressive parts of the body.

This is especially true for animation. Ever wondered why Sonic the Hedgehog's eyes and hands are so big? That's because they're the most expressive parts of the body to most and so emphasis on them allows for easier broadcasting of emotions. The inverse of this is where you get mascot suits or Power Ranger actors where they HAVE to do big actions with their whole body and/or hands to get an emotion across because the subtleties of your face are lacking.

So when it comes to a character on screen, it is literally easier to connect to them without the mask and from a work standpoint, you don't have to be as creative/wild with your animation, or rely as heavily on your voice actor, with the mask off. It also comes with the extra perk that everything above makes the moment of taking off the mask feel like a moment when the walls come down. When a character is willing to open up and express themselves instead of hide.

And TOH… Does fine with this. Hunter gets no choice but even the first time we see him without his mask, with Belos and talking about wild magic, we're already getting vivid signs that he's actually a good person. It's why the claim of him and the Golden Guard are different characters exists. Literally anytime Hunter has the mask on, he straight up acts like an entirely different character.

Steve gets his unmasking moment but it's less about him opening up and more about removing the symbol of an oppressor and becoming his own person. I actually like Steve's more than Hunter's because A: the mask coming off is a choice and B: it's one of the few times where a character's arc still accounts for the past because while he leaves the EC, Steve isn't fundamentally different. His morals shifted but he is still the same laid back goofball we know, even if that episode has him at easily his most relaxed. It's not hard to go from class clown to chill stoner bro though.

So with all of that out of the way… I wish someone had kept the mask on and joined the good guys. Or just existed in general. I'm not even talking about the EC mask. Just a mask in general. Not everyone is comfortable with their face after all. Not everyone is comfortable with being able to be read constantly and having to manage their expressions. Being able to let their voice and hands do the talking is their form of expression that they're comfortable with.

Imagine the contrast possible between them and Luz. Luz hides NOTHING with her body language after all. She is a very loud character both in volume and action. This easily leads to going too far for her and I wish was the cause of more mischief for her but I can only immediately think of Winging it Like Witches and Covention where her non-stop flood of emotions is a problem for her.

Meanwhile, you have a dude who appears tall, brooding, scary as hell with the mask and… Isn't any of those things. He's just quiet and strong but still shares a kind heart and a focus. So while seeing an injured bird might raise enough emotions out of Luz to start panicking, he has the control to immediately start tending to its wounds. Contrasting that, the two could be at something like Grom together and he's obviously incredibly uncomfortable by the amount of people and social etiquette that he's constantly running through his brain. The small actions that could offend people that Luz doesn't think about because she's more optimistic about others.

It also allows an arc where Luz starts off not understanding why he wears a mask and even teasing him about it but eventually the teasing stops, she seems to start being able to read his emotions by the small movements and like that he makes and even defends him from being unmasked. When pushed about wanting to see the true him, she pushes back that the mask IS the real him. Because it's the him he decided to use.

And so we get a character climax… NOT of taking off the mask. Instead, the masked character says that they think it's time for a new mask, or at least an update, and asks Luz if they would like to help with that. And so something a bit happier, less blank and with a few more flourishes is made for him to wear. Something that shows his better nature more clearly and the influence Luz has had.

And yes, I effectively just made up a new side character that would probably replace Willow… Or Gus. This is probably something I should make a whole blog about, a blog about TOH's problems when it comes to themes and not having any filter on its jokes is probably warranted to. The basic concept though is that if TOH's number one lesson, number one theme, is self expression. Gus… Expresses themselves. All the time. Louder than Luz even. Admittedly, they actually DO get good stuff out of him about identity to this isn't like how Willow and Gus contradict the very plot of the show. It's just…

Again, something I A: need to give more thought to and B: deserves its own blog.

In general, talking about this kind of made me wish self expression, how people expressed themselves, the wide range of people who exist and their strengths as people, was more widely explored. Then again, when you have a statement screamed at the top of your lungs like "We weirdos gotta stick together!" (a line that BETTER come back in the finale honestly) in your first episode, it feels like a mission statement. A thesis on what the show is about.

HOWEVER, a rebuttable to all of this: It is much easier to amend than it is to create. It's much easier to sit on a high throne that can see it all and talk about what you believe would have made something better when you're not in the trenches and figuring this stuff out while also talking to studio heads, collaborators, etc. like that. This is, at literal best, a nitpick. It is exactly the sort of thing fanfiction is for. If I wanted to, I could write a theoretical episode about a masked character who becomes friends with Luz. That's what fanfiction is for. To turn speculation into some level of reality. Anyways, I hoped you liked the thought exercise and enjoyed the rambling. ^^; Which actually makes this a good blog to start finally adding schilling at the end of these because my own job as a content creator requires it. *sigh* ---------

I have a public Discord for any and all who want to join!

I also have an Amazon page for all of my original works in various forms of character focused romances from cute, teenage romance to erotica series of my past. I have an Ao3 for my fanfiction projects as well if that catches your fancy instead,

And finally a Twitter you can follow too!

[spongebob-connoisseur]

hi there !! i hope you don’t mind my asking, and i apologize if this question has already been asked, but do you by chance have a favorite spongebob episode? or perhaps multiple episodes? and if it’s not too much, may i ask why the one(s) you choose are your favorite(s)?

I answered an ask like this a loooooooong time ago but I don't mind answering it again. There's some new opinions to add. This is just going to be main series episodes. No kamp koral or the patrick star show because that'll be a lot.

It's kinda hard to say what's my favorite episodes because I like a LOT of episodes in spongebob. For most of the show it's hard for me to find episodes I don't absolutely love (not counting seasons 6-9a) I have favorite seasons. I rewatch season 1 waaaay too often. Its calming and pleasant and is the season with the best characterizations too.

As a kid I didn't care much for season one because it was slower paced and not as funny as seasons 2 or 3 but I've come to appreciate season 1 over all the other seasons. Everything about it is so perfect. Its impossible to pick a favorite episode. Any episode with sandy in season 1 is easily a gem. The pilot is a straight diamond. I really love the Halloween episode ScaredPants. The music was great and I love spooky themed things so this is a given. Also the way how Jay Lender draws Spongebob in the first season 👌 👌 👌 👌. Peak Spongebob design.

I also like season 10, its a comfort season. I was just getting back into the show after the 2nd movie premiered. I remember losing interest in the show around season 8 so it was a few years since I watcher the show. Season 10 is really a gem and I feel like its underrated. I feel like if you don't like modern Spongebob its still worth giving season 10 a chance. It's fun without being too exaggerate. My FAVORITE episode of this season is Mermaid Pants. Hands down. It's just good old fashioned spongebob shenanigans. There's also Sharks Vs Pods, Mimic Madness, Feral Friends. They're all great IMO.

As for other favorite episodes, Spongebob's Last Stand, Fear of Krabby Patty, Spongebob's big birthday Blowout, Stanley Squarepants, a lot of episodes in seasons 2-3 that I can't even count. A lot of them is because they are nostalgic or so fun and bubbly. It usually boils down to being feel good. I don't think you should count me as a critical opinion. If it makes me feel happy then that's about all that matters. I could never be one of those youtube cartoon reviewers.

Also here's something new to add: Slappy Daze from season 13. Slappy is my FAVORITE character in the show, besides Spongebob. I've never ever had a favorite character in spongebob that rivaled the golden boy so it's a big deal to me.

I never thought Slappy would get his own episode because he's a parody character and he's not really liked. Even when Kaz promised Slappy would get his own little short, I was expecting a little segment that lasts a minute or 2. I never thought he'd get HIS VERY OWN EPISODE.

It was EXACTLY what I wanted too! My dream episode is just an episode showing Slappy's day to day life and I got that! Just him with no other characters there to disturb. The entire thing feels like a fever dream but it still makes me so SO happy! I feel like atm its my most rewatched sb episode.

I still find it so strange that everything I wanted to happen in that episode happened, to the point where it felt too specific. I'm not going to say what was it exactly but I'm sure my FBI agent was reading my erratic 3am notes app entries :)

[iro-rautatiski]

The History of Ruin's Heir

What's "Ruin's Heir"?

Ruin's Heir is a fantasy comic, published at ComicFury by me.

After the gateway to the realm of death has been shattered, the balance of the world has been disturbed, slowly being eaten away by the deadly matter know as "the ruin". Vervain, a young wolf, finds that he has a deep connection to the Grimgrove and its ruin. In order to prevent the inevitable, he must find his True Name.

First page was published 9th April 2023, but the history of this story goes way back to the year 2011. I have now written some of it down, mostly for myself, but if you have found yourself curious and want to give it a read, I welcome you with warmth.

Nemorosa and Vervain

2011 - Parantajan oppipoika

The beginning

At this point in my life I had spent about three years watching YouTube animated series about dogs.

I also did create my own series, several, even before this one, but never published those anywhere, and sadly I do not have them anymore. 2010 December I got my very first own computer, and I got absolutely hog-wild with the new-found freedom of interwebs.

At the age of 12, I finally created my very own YouTube account.

I of course had to create my very own dog (or in this case, wolf) series. I pulled out my trusty MsPaint, and started to work without too much thought about the plot, or anything.

Just wanted to do something, probably came up with the designs at the spur of the moment too.

Juniper and Vervain

The series was called Parantajan oppipoika, until I changed the name to Apprentice, thinking that... English is cool? I don't think though that I ever succesfully released an episode with the new name, so Apprentice didn't really stick. So Parantajan oppipoika it is.

The series had 2 finished apisode, third one was left unfinished.

Which sounds kinda underwhelming. But despite its short visit at the time, Parantajan oppipoika would leave a mark in my heart that was waiting for its next opportunity to shine.

Story

Vervain, young member of the wolf pack, dreams nothing more than being a healer's apprentice. When the day comes that the pack's healer, Clover, chooses her apperentice, Vervain is very excited and hopeful about the end result. But he is left dissapointed, when instead of him, his friend Dandelion is chosen. Some days after the ceremony, Vervain notices that Dandelion seems very tired and absent, barely responding when he asks her anything. Without his knowledge, Dandelion has been suffering from the nightmarish visions she started to get after she was appointed as a healer's apprentice. Next evening, Vervain follows a raven, who guides him to find Dandelion at the forest, killed by a bear. Clover blaming herself, believes this was a sign that her decision was a mistake, and appoints Vervain as her new apprentice.

Poor Dandelion...

Inspirations

At the time, I have just got into Warrior Cats, and it was also very clear with Parantajan oppipoika. Pack's structure, nature themed names, and concept of the healer all came from there. I also remember that Vervain's name was taken straight from Watership Down, from the character with the same name.

Videos etc.

Not much material is left from this time, which is a big shame for me personally, as I would love to see the first 2 episodes again.

Though, some materials are still intact, and I'll cherish them.

The first opening of Parantajan oppipoika.

To this very day I still associate this song to Ruin's Heir. Kinda hoping that someday I could animate something to it...

Unfinished "new" opening

I remember being very, very proud of this one. And honestly, good for you, 12-13 years old Iro, you indeed did good. I think the development between these two openings are visible already.

Unfinished episode 3

(with a placeholder music, I think the original had The Lion King music), pretty short, but oh... the relic....

I think this is all I have to say about the first version of this story, for now.

Hassireeee, Veervain

2013 - Hour of the Wolf

The resurrection

Parantajan oppipoika went to the slumber for time being, and I didn't finish episode 3. If I remember right, I didn't do much with these characters after cancelling the series.

But, in 2013 they returned. I started to work on the reboot, called "Hour of the Wolf"

I literally forgot it was called that. Anyways.

I must admit that I don't remember much specifics from this era, I found an outline for the planned episodes so nevermind about not remembering.

Once again, I was planning on making an animated series, but this time with less success than before. Not a single episode were finished.

But looking at the outline, there was a plan for 16 episodes in total.

Some aspects from 2011 version were kept, but some were also dropped. Vervain didn't want to be a healer anymore, and whole concept of healers seemed to be absent from this version in general. Instead story now focused more on the relationship between Vervain ja Raven, and also war that our main pack, Tyrmäinen, was having with "Bonefangs" pack.

Even though a lot has changed since this version of the story, it did an important groundwork for its future. A lot characters that exits nowadays, were created back then. Even some plot points, though with drastic changes, have stayed in some form.

Sedum and Bracken

Goldenrod, Bracken, Nuphar (down), Sedum, Woundwort, and Majalis

Characters

Sedum and Bracken were old faces from the 2011, but most of the pack's youngsters were created 2013. Nuphar, Pillwort, and Majalis are still part of the cast today. Twins Woundwort and Golderod were part of the story for a long time before being cut 2022.

Vervain and Raven

Vervain bond with ravens was now strengthened. Especially with this one raven, who was also his father's old Guardian, and only thing that the villain, Elder, was truly afraid of. Raven's characterization, and purpose for the story has changed several times after this, but presence of the Raven has been kept strong ever since.

Story

After the death of Dandelion, Vervain finds an injured wolf named Juniper. She is taken in, and she warns the pack about approaching rival pack, Bonefangs, who she also was part of formerly. After the presence of bonefangs has been made known, security measures are tightened, and atmosphere in the pack gets heavy. At the same time, Vervain meets Raven, who seems to be his, and unknowingly to him, his deceased father's Guardian. War between the two wolf packs goes on, until tragedy strikes the pack, and it's rumored that among them there's a traitor…

Elder, Vervain, and Raven

As I'm reading this outline now, I'm thinking "damn, I really did read Harry Potter back then didn't I?"

Some of the plotlines were almost straight from there...

Videos

Unfinished opening

Unfinished episode (I think)

Didn't get far, but cool.

2015 - Kaarnen Herra

The new era

I still quite like this name I had. It's translated "Lord of the Raven", and I pretty much got it from Lord of the Rings. Good naming technique I would say.

Apparently I started to do reboots every two years.

Once again, I wanted to make a youtube animated series. Because I never learn.

Though this time I learned a little bit, and opted out from making a fully animated series, and instead used minimal amount of pictures. Episode 1 was still left unfinished, because the workload still didn't fit me.

Nemorosa and Vervain

This is probably when this story started to have more online presence. I'm still surprised when people leave a comment somewhere and actually know Vervain's name off the bat.

Even thought this is probably the point where magic wolves' hold over my brain capacity got stronger than ever before, it's also the era where I feel I made my biggest regret with this story. It was when I put feathers on their heads, unknowingly enforcing and contributing into racist stereotypes about native people. When I finally realized that this whole thing actually comes from a very harmful place, I decided that those feathers should be removed.

This is the time in my life I did a lot drawings and videos about Kaarnen Herra, but I can't say that I would feel comfortable sharing all of it so freely nowadays.

Story

Life at Tyrmänkä's pack has been ever so peaceful, until a weird strom rises. Vervain notices that this has made his friend Dandelion restless, and when he sees that she has went to the forest alone, he follows. Vervain stumbles on to the scene, when Dandelion is trying to bind down an angered spirit, costing her life. Spell however has got its hold on Vervain too, and slowly it rips more and more away his life. One way to save his own life would be to void the spell and release the spirit, but that would possibly cost his pack's life if done so. Luckily, helpful Raven and a stoat named Portimo wants to help him to find another way to save himself...

Vervain and Bracken

Characters

This version brought many new characters, but for this I wanted to showcase these two selectet characters, which I feel have been more influential. Portimo and Tormentil.

Tormentil and Portimo

Portimo

At first there was supposed to be three stoats, capable of merging into one big stoat monster, but at some point, three turned into just one character. (Stoat monster was however apparently kept at least some time after this, for some reason.)

I can't remember where the idea of having a villanous small stoat came from, but I thank the past me of this. Nowadays it's hard to think of this story without Portimo.

Portimo changed a lot tings about the plot, and was even some sort of main villain of the series. Kuilunka, formerly Bonefangs, then became more sympathetic, although still antagonistics.

His name by the way is just a old finnish name for stoats. So his name is just Stoat 👍

Tormentil

Tormentil is a mix of old and new, as her intial inspiration came way back from 2011, from Parantajan oppipoika.

Back then Elder (who was named Vomitflower/Oksennuskukka back then.... I have found no proof that such flower exists, but it might be inspired by the plant called ipecacuanha, which is apparently named Oksetusjuuri in finnish).

Anyways, Elder/Vomitflower had a sidekick, whose trope was "even more sadistic than the boss". Back then her name was Cactus-spike.

Cactus-spike got a massive overhaul designwise, and a new name, since I didn't want these wolves to know what cacti are. She pretty much became a new character, but fullfilling the same initial role as previously.

Her role also grew a lot from what I originally planned, mostly because I got a such positive feedback from her, and I wanted to utilize her potential more.

Videos

Opening

Unfinished episode 1

2019 - Goodbye animation

Finally I came to the conclusion that I can't work on this story in form of animation, and instead decided to try dip myself back into the wolrd of comics.

And by back I mean that I used to do a lot comics when I was 7-12 years old, but stopped working on those after getting more into doing animations instead.

There were actually two tries, before I started to publish pages publicly. First one I treated more like a test from the beginning, to see how it feels to work on the comic.

Page 1. Ohto Page 2. Nemorosa and Vervain

End result was: It felt pretty nice. My confidence towards this new approach grew, and decided that this would be something I wanted to try in the long run.

I stopped this first run after 12 pages, reworked some aspects of the story, and started to work on the real deal.

But I clearly still had some things to learn....

2020 - Setback

The plot got very big changes, with the threat of the apocalypse looming over the characters now. As I wanted to strengthen to conflict within the world, and make it affect the characters.

With these new additions, some new characters were also brought in (or old ones totally reworked).

Everhalo and Ruinkeeper

New characters

Raven's character got a total overhaul. Now instead of being Vervain's companion, she became the Spirit of death, and was named Ruinkeeper.

This change also later contributed to why story's name was renamed Ruin's Heir (or the finnish name, Kalman lapsi). As I felt that no one would feel any lordiness over this Raven anymore, so I felt that it didn't fit anymore.

With the Spirit of death, there was also added Spirit of life, Everhalo. Who seems to have his own agenda in the grand scheme of things.

_

I worked on the first chapter, year had passed already and the chapter was close to the finish line.

I had done 34 pages, but finishing the last 7 pages felt too much.

Tormentil, Elder, and Ruinkeeper

I believe that I did a mistake in complicating the backgrounds for the actual comic. Instead of doing a lined work like I did back in my first version, I tried to give it more painted look. So now it didn't feel so good to do anymore, and I felt like I had to do something differend...

So I did what you're always told to not to do when working on comics, and started over.

2022- Ruin's Heir

This is the version I finally started to publish to ComicFury.

The scene did had some chages, but the basic idea was kept same. Tormentil needs to kill Ruinkeeper.

Some pages were reused, and the color palette kept same.

Tormentil, Elder, and Ruinkeeper

I do count this and the previous version of chapter 1 in the same era, as the actual story has no big changes made between these.

Two characters had redesigns though, Elder and Vervain

Elder (old and new)

Vervain

Changing Vervain's design especially felt like I was about to do a crime. But just how with the name change, I just felt that his older design didn't work with his character anymore. Even though I had grown very attached to it.

Luckily, I can say that I'm now quite happy with his design.

The End

At this very moment I'm writing this paragraph, I'm working on the chapter two, with the last six pages work in progress. So far my feelings toward making this comic has been very positive, and it's one of the rays of joy that I have at the moment.

I admit it's one my fears that what if someday I'm not able to work on it anymore? But I guess it's no use to worry too much about the future, while still having this very moment at the hand.

Will I change my mind about this comic in two years? Could be plausible, when looking at my past set records of reboot after reboots. But it's okay, and I'm trying to follow my principle, which pretty much is "have fun."