#it was literally just 6 months ago how have I spiralled so badly down since then

[mokeymokey]

I just got a notif from Lex which I have not used since the summer (it was just an admin/update thing) and I clicked on the app to see what was up and I saw the bio I wrote and instantly wanted to die bc the person who wrote that was like so different. Like I actually wanted to be known and wasn't terrified of others and disgusted with myself all the time how can I be that person again

[tricksters-captain]

Weasley Twins/Cedric Diggory Imagines - Accidental Meeting - Part 6

AN: Here ya go! Enjoy!

Overall Summary: (Y/n), is a young witch who always kept her head down due to her complicated past; one day she bumps quite literally into one of the most popular boys in Hogwarts, Cedric Diggory, and that’s when (Y/n)’s plan of keeping her head down seems to go up into the air. Things only seem to worsen when two redheaded twins start to take notice too...

This Chapter: It’s the first match of the season! Gryffindor vs Hufflepuff

(MASTERLIST HERE)

Pairing(s): Cedric Diggory x Reader, (Eventual) George Weasley x Reader, (Platonic) Fred Weasley x Reader, (Platonic) Oliver Wood x Reader

Word Count: 3,376

Warnings: None

“Wood, you need to get laid, mate.” Fred stared at the older boy as he paced the common room. He was as tense as a wooden plank and stressed about the game plan which he thought ‘just wasn’t perfect yet’. 

“(Y/n), why don’t you take one for the team?” Fred looked across the sofa at you and you rolled your eyes. 

“Or we could use a simple potion on him to relax him or even better knock him out?” You offered a different suggestion looking up at Oliver as he passed you. 

“The match is tomorrow. It’s the first one of the season, we must win. With the team change, there is more competition; Malfoy is no match really for Harry as a seeker but Diggory is different.” Oliver’s accent seem to make his words slur together as his thoughts overflowed from his mouth. 

“Ooooo, pretty boy Diggory. (Y/n)’s new favourite study partner.” Fred smirked, winking at you as he teased. 

“Better watch out, Wood. You’ll lose your only fan at this rate.” George added, smiling along side his brother. 

You threw one of the pillows from under your arm at the twins to shut them up before Oliver finally plodded himself down next to you. 

“Come on, Oli. Just quit thinking about it, you guys don’t need the perfect game plan when you are an actual good team. You need sleep. Energy for tomorrow morning.” You rested your head on Oliver’s shoulder as he leant back. 

“You know I won’t sleep tonight.” Oliver shifted his arm so he could wrap it around you and you scooted closer to the boy, frowning at his statement.

“Alright, get a room.” George’s joke earned a glare from you. The twins knew you and Oliver were like family but it didn’t stop them from commenting on anything you and Oliver did together. 

“We know that the real reason Oliver won’t be sleeping tonight is because of your brothers snoring.” You snarked back at the twins with a smile. 

“Ah yes.” Fred slapped his knee. “Poor ol’ Wood, having to share a room with Percy.”

“Wouldn’t wish it on anybody.” George added which made all of you laugh. 

“It’s fine, only a few more months of it, Wood.” Fred brought up the fact Oliver was leaving this summer and you felt your heart ache. 

“What will (Y/n) do without you?” George asked, 

“Cling onto Diggory, I suppose.” Fred teased, laughing like he couldn’t help it.

“He’ll be better company than you two.” You retorted which made both twins clutch their hands over their hearts dramatically.

“Ouch, (Y/n). Really ouch.” Fred groaned. 

“The better question is what will the quidditch team do when I leave?” Wood smirked, changing the topic slightly to avoid any more Cedric talk. 

“Might actually win some matches.” George quipped. Your jaw dropped into an open smile and you brought your hand up to cover your laughter. 

“You think you’re clever, Weasley––” Wood threw a pillow at the twins which started a pillow war. 

You ducked behind the sofa as protection as the teams formed to be you and Oliver vs the twins. 

You and Oliver continued to lob back any pillows thrown in your direction. You rejoiced each time you got one of the twins on top of their red heads and the twins did the same every time they managed to get you. 

“I give! I give! I give up!” You squealed as all of a sudden the three boys target you, hitting you each with their own pillows repeatedly. 

The blows stopped and the laughter continued as you huffed your hair out of your face. Your cheeks glowing pink from the warmth and excitement of the fight. 

George offered his hand to you to pull you off the floor. 

You took it. 

His large hand was warm against yours and his other hand wrapped around your wrist as he pulled you to your feet. 

“Three against one isn’t exactly fair.” You grumbled as you stood. 

“It’s not like you’d be any match for one of us anyway, love. It’s saving your the embarrassment of losing to just one of us if all three of us get you.” Fred was the one to reply. He couldn’t help but notice George watching you even after letting your hand go.

“Keep telling yourself that.” You decided it was time to head to bed as you dumped the pillows back on the sofas. 

The twins and Oliver bid you goodnight as you walked up the stairs and you did the same. 

When you woke in the morning, the room was dark and dreary, you could see Angelina lacing up her boots on the edge of her bed ready for the match ahead. 

The noise of raindrops smashing against the window made your stomach drop as you realised the first match of the season would be in the worst weather yet. 

“Wrap up warm, (Y/n). It’s not gonna be an easy game today.” Angelina noticed you were awake as she caught you staring at the window. 

“A long one too. I doubt anyone will be seeing, let alone catching, the snitch in this weather.” You internally groaned at the thought. 

You dressed yourself as best as you could to try and stay warm and dry. You wrapped yourself in thick clothes before putting on some boots and a large rain coat. 

You trudged down the stairs to see Oliver in his uniform waiting for you with a muffin. 

“I already went to breakfast. I figured you wouldn’t go at all if I already went.” Oliver handed you the muffin and you smiled. 

“How thoughtful. Perhaps you could’ve waited for me in the first place.” 

“Early bird gets the worm, (Y/n).” Oliver defended himself as he started towards the door to leave.

You followed him out of the common and down the stairs towards the quidditch pitch. 

“Have you heard anything from your uncle?” He asked. 

“Nope, not since I sent off my letter a few days ago.” You shook your head as you tightened the drawstring on your hood. “I don’t expect to hear anything back now until something new happens with him.”

“You know, I’ve known you this long and I still don’t get you and your uncle.” Oliver admitted, sending you a side glance. 

“I mean how can you understand him and everything he’s gone through? He’s not the most loving parental figure I got but he is the only one I have. We keep each other updated on the important things. He doesn’t need to be burdened with my feelings on boys or exams, he’s got too much going on upstairs to care about some teenage girls anxieties.” You gestured to your head and Oliver just chuckled. 

“Guess that’s what I’m here for.” Oliver suggested, 

“You are perfectly correct there, Oli boy.” You opened your umbrella as you and Wood prepared to run to the pitch in the rain. 

You waited in the team tent with Oliver for the team to slowly scatter in. 

“Actually here then, Seyler.” Fred using your surname was something you’d have to get used to but since you were just with the team who rarely judged you because of Oliver, you didn’t say anything about it. 

“I keep my promises.” You said proudly. 

“Yeah right, you’re just here cause of pretty boy Diggory, admit it.” Fred wiggled his eyebrows at you and you flipped him off. 

“I’m heading to get a seat, Oli. Make sure not to fall off your broom today.” You wished the boy luck with a quick hug before climbing the stairs to find somewhere to sit or stand with the Gryffindors.

The rain wasn’t easing up. It came down hard and heavy and with grumbling roars of thunder around it. 

You felt a knot in your stomach as you thought about all the possible ways things could end badly with the weather. 

The first on the pitch were the Hufflepuff team. 

You spotted Cedric as he lead the team out onto the field. He wore goggles and his hair was pushed back, wet from the rain along with his yellow quidditch robes which were darker from already being clearly soaked.  

You couldn’t help but let your lips form a smile as he flew round to your side of the pitch and flew past you, sending one of his own dazzling smiles your way.

The Gryffindor team swiftly followed Hufflepuff and soon the whistle was blown and the game began. 

You tried to watch Oliver but for some reason, your eyes always found themselves back to Cedric. 

Quidditch matches were never quiet. 

You laughed as the surrounding Gryffindors cheered and shouted over the thunder for their team. 

You whooped and whistled whenever Oliver saved a goal and despite the bad weather, you didn’t seem to mind being out there for once. 

You also cheered on for Fred and George as you found yourself paying attention to them too. 

You furrowed your eyebrows as you lost sight of Cedric. 

“They’ve gone up there!” Hermione seemed to have noticed you looking about and she gestured up into the clouds where you knew she was talking about Harry and Cedric. 

Soon after, you saw Cedric racing after the snitch back out of the clouds but Harry wasn’t anywhere to be seen. 

You couldn’t look up for too long as the rain drops attacked your face. 

“HARRY!” Hermione screamed out as she spotted the boy falling fast towards the ground. 

Almost no one had noticed over the Hufflepuffs roars as Cedric snagged the snitch. Hufflepuff won and Harry’s body was spiralling to the bottom of the quidditch match. 

“Arresto momentum!” Dumbledore noticed Harry and cast out a spell to soften the fall. 

Somehow the air got even colder and that’s when you noticed the Dementors above. They must’ve followed Harry down, it would explain why Harry was unconscious. He had fainted after an encounter with a Dementor before. 

Dumbledore was furious, you could see it in his face. 

You rushed through the stadium as Dumbledore sent the Dementors away; you reached the bottom as Harry was being lifted and escorted to the hospital wing. 

Other students rushed past you to see if Harry was okay, you looked up towards the goals to see if Oliver was still there but he must've come to the ground. 

You figured your best chance was to head back to the castle with the majority of the students instead of fighting through them, and you’d probably find Wood with Harry in the hospital. 

As the students all rushed to get out of the rain you heard someone cough beside you ‘Deatheater’ and you rolled your eyes in frustration. Was this shit really gonna start up again? 

You saw glimpses of orange hair and red quidditch robes heading towards the hospital wing ahead of you and you silently thanked the Weasley mother for birthing the tall twins. 

Nudging and weaving your way through wet bodies you finally caught up to them. 

“Is Oliver not with you?” You asked Fred and George as you took hold of their robes for them to notice you were behind them. 

“Last I saw your boyfriend was talking to him.” Fred replied, 

“What?” You were confused and taken back by the word ‘boyfriend’. 

“Diggory pulled him to one side on the quidditch pitch.” George explained. 

“Probably asking his blessing for your hand in marriage.” Fred smirked, you hit him in response. 

“Hey!” Fred pouted as he rubbed arm. 

“How’s Harry?” You peaked past the boys to see Ron, Hermione, Neville and Angelina surrounding Harry’s bed. 

“Not sure yet since you dragged us to a stop to ask about your boyfriends.” Fred was pushing his luck with you but you didn’t feel any real anger at the teasing like you usually would. 

“Harry could be dead and we wouldn’t know because we had to talk to you.” George played along with his twin. 

“I’m terribly sorry. Please, get back to your adopted brother.” The sarcasm dripped off your tongue and the boys couldn’t help but find it amusing. 

You turned on your heels and made your way down a now empty corridor to continue your search for Wood. 

“(Y/n)!” You heard a voice echo as you passed a smaller corridor. Your head spun left and your eyes met a very damp Cedric. 

“Cedric.” You returned his call. 

As the boy neared you, you could see just how soaking he truly was. 

Raindrops were still falling down his forehead, dripping off his brown curls and his pink cheeks were flushed from the warmth the castle held compared to outside. 

Your eyes couldn’t help but notice his lips, almost shinning like lipgloss. Almost inviting. 

“What’s wrong?” Cedric must've noticed your wrinkled expression as his eyebrows knitted together like yours. 

“I’m just looking for Oliver.” You confessed. 

“I just spoke to him on the pitch. I asked him if he would like a rematch since the Dementors attacked Harry but he said that we had won fair and square which I didn’t think was the exact truth but...” Cedric couldn’t help but ramble as he replayed the conversation in his head. “...But Wood insisted it was okay.”

“That’s big of him. Did you say he was still at the pitch or?” 

“No, I don’t know where he went after. Possibly to find Harry’s broom.” Cedric suggested. 

“Possibly.” You agreed. “Congratulations by the way.” 

“Congratulations? I’m surprised you’re congratulating me, Wood is your best friend, I thought he’d have you swearing off talking to the enemy let alone congratulating them.” Cedric clearly found the conversation funny. 

“Honestly, you think Oliver owns me or something?” You rolled your eyes, placing your hands on your hips as you looked up at the boy. 

“I really hope not.” Cedric smiled back down at you which made your heart flutter. 

You felt your lips part as Cedric flirted and you cleared your throat to save the embarrassment of your jaw hanging open. 

“I should probably let you go. You look freezing in those wet clothes.” Cedric helped save you the embarrassment by not commenting on it. 

“You too. Those robes must be heavy now.” You pointed at his quidditch robes which you had to admit looked especially good on the boy. 

“Meet me outside my common room. I’m sure some hot chocolate with marshmallows will help warm you up?” Cedric raised his eyebrows as he made the offer. You could only nod back as an answer. 

Cedric was the one to walk away as you felt suddenly very heavy in your boots. 

“(Y/n)! There you are. Is Harry awake yet?” Oliver followed the same path Cedric had taken and came face to face with you only seconds later. 

“I-I-I don’t know. I was looking for you.” You admitted, you noticed the broken broom wrapped up in his arms. 

“Whomping Willow. That bastard tree.” Oliver cursed as he saw you look at the broom. 

“Looks like your seeker needs a new broom.” You winced, knowing what Oliver was thinking now the fastest broom on the team was now broken.

“At least, hopefully with Madam Pomfrey’s help, I won’t be needing a new seeker.” Oliver was trying to look on the bright side. 

“Go check on him. I’m heading back to the common room to dry off.” You ushered the boy forward before returning to the dorms. 

You peeled out of your wet clothes and towel dried your hair. You pulled on some comfier, warmer clothes and a pair of fluffy socks. It always seems so much colder after you’ve been soaked through by the Scottish rain. 

“You look cute. Off to meet someone?” Angelina sent you a knowing look as she entered the dorm, taking off her own wet robes. 

“What?” You scoffed, “No, of course not. Who would I be meeting?” 

“I don’t know but there have been rumours flying around about a particularly handsome Hufflepuff prefect quidditch captain.” Angie was being way too obvious that she meant Cedric. 

“You should know by now to stop listening to rumours about me, Angelina.” You shook your head as you gathered your dirty laundry off the floor. 

“Okay, have fun not going to meet anyone then...” Angelina giggled to herself as she wiggled her eyebrows. 

You left the dorm, descending the stairs down to the common room where most Gryffindors were sat sourly as we lost and Harry had fallen and broke his broom. 

You couldn’t see the twins or Oliver anywhere so you assumed they were still with Harry. 

You left the common room quietly and made your way down to the kitchen corridor where the Hufflepuff common room was located. 

You had never been near the Hufflepuff common room before. You hadn't really bothered going near any of the other house’s commons room actually. You hadn’t had friends outside Gryffindor before, more specifically outside the Gryffindor quidditch team. 

You scrunched the sleeves of your sweater in the palm of your hands as you tiptoed down the corridor.

“There you are.” Cedric seemed to almost appear out of thin air as he exited the kitchens with two mugs of hot chocolate. 

“How did you?” You gestured at the mugs as you questioned. 

“The house elves are happy to give out food and drinks as long as they are treated well.” Cedric offered you your mug. 

You smiled as you heard quiet humming coming from the cup. 

“My father bought these marshmallows from Denmark. They sing as they melt into your drink.” Cedric smiled as you noticed the soft music. 

The mug had a mound of cream on top with shavings of chocolate and several fluffy singing marshmallows. 

“Thank you.” You held the mug close to you as it warmed your hands. 

Cedric sat down with his back against the corridor wall and you sat beside him. 

“I like your hair. It’s gone all curly.” Cedric complimented you which made you blush.

“Ugh, I hate it. The rain always makes it go really frizzy.” You patted the top of your head and groaned. Cedric just shook his head lightly at your actions. 

“Is Harry okay?” He asked, 

“I think so. Madam Pomfrey is the best healer I’ve ever seen so if anyone can fix him, she can.” You stated, sipping on your hot chocolate. 

Cedric suddenly started laughing, his bright eyes wincing as his smile grew wide. 

“What?” You smiled at him, the whipped cream now covering your noise. 

Cedric wiped the cream from the tip of your nose, sucking it off his thumb as he continued to laugh. 

You let your own laughter fall quiet as you examined the handsome boys face. 

Your thoughts started to race as the marshmallows started to quietly hum an old love song. 

“Why me?” You asked him. 

“What do you mean?” Cedric questioned you back, looking from your eyes to your lips to your eyes again. 

“Why talk to me this year? You could talk to anyone. We only briefly bumped into each other on that train ride. Why not leave it at that?” 

“Because...” Cedric sat up further against the wall. “...I have never been drawn to anyone the way I was drawn to you after you purposely threw yourself against me.” 

“I did not throw myself against you!” You screeched, defending yourself which only made Cedric laugh wildly again. 

You tried not to laugh with him but your smile couldn't help but break out. 

You both sat there in the quiet for a moment until you started humming along with the marshmallows.

“You know this?” Cedric asked, referring to the tune the sweets were singing. 

“I love this song.” You whispered as you stared down at your mug. 

Cedric suddenly started singing the words to the song but extremely off key. 

“Shut up! You’re ruining it!” You nudged the boys shoulder which only started him up again. “Does your face not hurt, Mr Smiley?” You teased him for it. 

“Come on.” Cedric rose to his feet and offered his hand out to you. 

You took it. 

His hand was warm.

“You hungry?” Cedric led you towards the kitchen entrance. 

“Starving.” 

(NEXT PART)

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[shurisneakers]

espresso [13]

Summary: In which your best friend’s brother begins to set you up on dates when you mention that you haven’t been in a relationship in years, but things don’t go as expected.

Warning:  angst, pining 

Word count: 2.1k (???)

A/N: hi !  all my love to @samingtonwilson​ for making me not sound like a 6 year old when i write this never-ending series and for being a true queen ! we stan an icon

here’s my ko-fi if you’d like to support my writing <333

Previous part- Part 12 || Espresso Masterlist

To Bucky:

Can we talk?

From Bucky:

Coffee shop at 7?

To Bucky:

Okay.

It almost felt like déjà vu. But this time you were nervous, and not nearly as much as you were confused– a stark contrast to the meeting you had at this very location months ago to start this deal.

It was deserted– for now.

You knew the crowd would pick up gradually as students filtered in for their daily dose of caffeine, so you didn’t have much time.

You took a deep breath, pushed open the door, and let the bell above you jingle. A joyous sound for something so… jumbled up.

Bucky perked up at the noise, pausing momentarily from cleaning the counter.

I got this. I got this.

“Hey.” He sent a tiny lopsided smile your way as you took your place at one of the stools before the counter.

I don’t got this.

“Hey.” The confidence you’d felt just outside was beginning to slip away.

Fuck.

“Can I get you something to drink?” he asked politely, gesturing around to the menus in front of you. It was almost eerie how uncharacteristically silent your surroundings were.  

“No, I’m good. Thank you though.”

He nodded as he pulled a stool towards him to sit. The counter separated the two of you. “We have about thirty minutes before the usuals start coming in.”

“Okay.”

Be brave. Be brave. Be brave.

“Did you read it? The letter?”

“Yes.”

“And?”

And it scared the shit out of me.

“Fucking hell,” you cursed, sighing lightly. “I’m so confused, James. It was so fucking confusing.”

“Why?”

“Because of the dates. Every time I thought there may be a hint of something more, you’d set me up on another date with some other guy who I didn’t even like. Did you do it on purpose?”

“No. Not consciously at least. I would never,” his voice slowly trailed off.

“But?” you pressed.

“But I did spend time thinking about it and… reflecting, I guess. And I think my defense mechanism or insecurities or whatever did have a role in it, but I never noticed until you pointed it out.”

“That’s a fucking dick move, you know.”

“I know,” he swallowed, tired eyes on the counter flitting up to meet yours. “I’m sorry. Truly. ”

“And what is it with these?” You pointed to the cups in front of you. “Why is everyone so obsessed with these?”

He leaned forward on his forearms. “I used to write little pieces of poetry whenever you came in. Or messages when you didn’t look like you were having a good day. Just innocuous stuff.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I thought you saw them but didn’t care. A bunch of times you threw them away pretty quickly so I kinda figured you were doing it to save me from humiliation. So I just stopped after a while.”

“I didn’t see them.”

“Yes, I know that now.”

“Do you remember some of the stuff you wrote?” you asked hopefully. “Do I get to read it now?”

“All of it.” He laughed and pulled away from the counter. “But you’re not going to see it again. It’s too embarrassing.”

“Why do you hate everything you write so much?”

He shrugged. “I tend to get dramatic a lot. And emotional.”

“That isn’t a bad thing.”

Wordless, he just picked up a cloth to wipe at some glasses he knew were already clean. Until, “Any more questions?”

“Why didn’t you like Rumlow?”

“Oh, come on.” He looked at you like you were kidding, disbelieving. His expression fell when he realized you weren’t.  “Really?”

“Really. We’re getting all the skeletons out now.”

“Because-” a disgruntled sigh, “because he was absolute garbage! He was a fucking dick and I already hated him, but then he went and did that whole thing with Dot-“ he gestured wildly to make up for unfound words.

“-And after that I literally couldn’t look at his face without wanting to punch the living shit out of him.”

If it wasn’t clear by now, you could tell by the clench of his jaw that talking about Rumlow triggered something in Bucky.

Deciding to spare his anger before it spiraled through less important explanations, you pointed at the bandage wrapped around his knuckles. “What happened here?”

“Punched a wall.” That was a lie, you could tell. But you didn’t push it any further. “Pulled a Kyle.”

You rolled your eyes at his outdated joke, but he didn’t seem to mind, going back to wiping at the mugs in silence.

You just watched him breathe through it, his shoulders dropping tight tension as seconds passed.

“You know, you never actually told me what happened at the bar,” he spoke up, attempting to change the topic smoothly, but it didn’t go unnoticed.

“How much do you know?”

“Only what Dot told me, honestly.”

Fucking Dolores.

You groaned. “Dot? Fucking Dot knows about what happened?”

“She doesn’t know anything,” he interrupted before you had the chance to whine more.

You looked at him quizzically.

“It wasn’t my story to tell. She just said that your reaction made her realize there was some kind of history between you and Rumlow because no one leaves so suddenly in the middle of a conversation.”

You were gonna regret this but-

“Why was she in your room that day?”

He titled his head in confusion. “Which day?”

“Your birthday. I came to give you your present and she was wearing your shirt.”

It was like you couldn’t help yourself.

You cleared your throat after a beat, straightening your posture. “Actually, I’m sorry it’s none of my business. I didn’t-“

“Becca spilled her drink on her,” he explained coolly. Not defensive in the least. “I just gave her a shirt so that she didn’t have to stay in that for the rest of the night. Nothing happened between us.”

Oh. Becca had mentioned that she’d spilt her drink on fucking Dolores. Okay, maybe you didn’t connect the story. In anger. Maybe a little jealousy.

“I’m sorry, it wasn’t my place to ask.”

“It’s alright. I was going to clear it up that day but you left so suddenly.” You almost snorted as he continued, “She asked about you after the bar. She was a little worried.”

Slowly, the guilt of disliking her so badly was starting to creep into your mind. You’d always known there was no real reason to.

You owed her an apology basket.

Maybe two.

“What’s going on in your head? I can feel you thinking too much all the way here.”

“Who the hell writes people rejection letters, Bucky?” The thought was absurd enough to warrant a smile from you and a small laugh from him.

“Told you it was dorky.”

“Didn’t realize it was to this degree.”

“Yeah, well.” He shrugged, not saying anything to defend himself.

You glanced at the clock above the register. You had only ten minutes to go, and almost all the questions you had thought of had been answered.

Almost.

The one thing you wanted to know itched at you, aching to get out but you weren’t sure you had the confidence to just fucking ask-

“You good? Sure I can’t get you a-“

“Do you have feelings for me?” you asked directly. A straight shot.

His eyes widened slightly in surprise. To be honest, you were almost shocked yourself at how blunt you’d just been, but you were so tired. So tired. You wanted it done, out in the open. Clear air for once.

“Like, right now. This instant.”

“Y/N, I-” A sigh. A slow comb of his hands through his hair. A glance to the side.

“The letter, James.” You didn’t break your stare. Didn’t dare. Your heart felt two seconds from bursting through your chest. “You wrote it in the letter that you used to.”

No movement aside from a shift of his gaze downward, focusing on restless fingers. He pursed his lips, another sigh. But he said nothing.

Seconds of silence passed.

It almost felt suffocating.

Your eyebrows were knit together. “Bucky-”

“Yes.” You fell silent as his eyes met yours with little hesitation. “Yes. I do.”

You didn’t know what you were expecting him to say, but you froze. You opened your mouth but shut it again, unable to form any words. Well fuck.

His shrug was nonchalant, but the fall of his shoulders to a defeated slump was anything but. “Y/N, you have to know that our friendship means the world to me, and if this is going to change everything, then please, please stop me right now.” “I-”

“You’re my Mario,” his voice cracked but the corner of his lips tugged upwards. “I can’t afford to lose that.”

You didn’t know what to say. Of course everything it would change things between you. How could it not?

It’s not like you wanted to give up what you had with him. You didn’t know if you were being selfish, but the intensity of whatever it is that you were feeling was there and it hurt.

“Don’t-” he interrupted your train of thought with a restrained, almost forced smile. An attempt at confidence, perhaps. “Don’t overthink this. You really don’t have to say anything.”

“I just-” Bucky continued, another dramatic gesturing of his hands when words fell short. “Figured it was ‘bout time you knew. Properly.”

“Since when?” you sounded unsure.  

“How long? Oh, man.” He laughed softly and shook his head. “Shits, I think it’s been a good couple of years now.”

Silently, you mulled it all over. Sat with it all for a minute.

He smiled, genuine now. No longer forced and tight, but relieved at the loss of the weight on his chest.

He set down the glass he was holding and swung the rag over his shoulder.

“I’m… fuckin’ shit at communication, Y/N,” he admitted as your lips pursed. “You know that. I couldn’t tell you, I couldn’t tell Dot. I couldn’t talk to Becca, forget anyone else. It’s so fucking hard for me to talk about-”

“Feelings?”

“Feelings,” he confirmed, nodding. “Emotions. It’s almost like I can’t. It’s easier just shut up and listen to others talk all the time.”

It made sense.

Even though he asked you not to overthink, everything he did was thought over, and then thought over again, and again and million more times just out of selfless concern.

“It feels selfish. And I hate feeling that way.”

You knew he wasn’t very open but this-

This was new to you. It didn’t shock you like you’d thought it would, but it was still… a little difficult to hear.

“What you feel is important too, you know. Not that you should feel that way, but it’s okay to be a little selfish,” you replied, voice soft.

“Yeah well-“ He paused before shaking his head. “Communicating is just something I have to work on, I guess.”

“Me too, apparently,” was your mumbled response.

All of this could have been avoided if you’d just had this conversation months ago. Like proper adults. Mature adults.

“We both have some serious issues,” he said lightly, cracking a smile at you.

You didn’t respond. You just played with the hem of your scarf, unraveling a piece of thread from the rest of it.

You could hear the sound of cars pulling up to the shop. A glance at the clock confirmed an incoming crowd.

But something felt incomplete.

You felt uneasy.

“Ah fuck, here they come,” he cursed, a quick smoothening his hair before pulling on his barista cap.

You took it as your sign to leave, gathering your few belongings that sat scattered before you.

“I’ll see you around Buck-”

“Y/N.”

You lifted your head to meet his stare.

“I know I shouldn’t really be asking this, but are we- We’re good, right?”

You stopped your own restless fidgeting.

You couldn’t tell him you weren’t sure, could you? Could you tell him that and that you were relieved?

Relieved that it hadn’t been in your head, that there were feelings on his end. Angry, though, that even if his intentions with the dates had been pure, what he did kinda sucked. That misunderstandings which could’ve been solved with a little maturity and a little communication lingered for so long, caused so many sleepless nights.

Could you tell him all of that and how it all hurt?

You knew he wasn’t looking for reciprocation. You knew he didn’t deem himself worthy of it. Even though he was good. Through it all, he was still good. Probably always would be. Too scared to hurt others, too scared to put the weight of his feelings on anyone else.

Maybe that’s why it was so confusing.

It was so fucking confusing.

His stare didn’t waver even as the bell above the door rang, signaling a new customer. Never a lapse in intensity.

“Yeah. I think we’re good.”

[redsector-a]

AO3 Ask Game

I was tagged by @themarshalstale which, thank you so much! I feel like I always get missed on these (I know why, it’s been 84 years since I published anything but still). 1. How many works do you have on ao3?

46 it seems. Which...look I’m slow man so that’s not surprising. lol Also crippling depression does not make for much production, at least for me.

2. What’s your current AO3 wordcount?

309662 according to the stats.

3. How many fandoms have you written for and what are they?

So do I could only AO3 or in like life? lol I suppose it should only be on AO3 since this is an AO3 ask game. Hrm. Basically AO3 can be summed up as: Marvel (in several iterations - all Avengers related) Torchwood Highlander But isn’t it more fun to consider my entire fandom life, which, I’m sorry, I’m old so...yeah. Not all of this is was published and beyond that a lot is not available anymore...which is likely for the best. Highlander Star Wars Babylon 5 Ronin Warriors/Samurai Troopers Marvel (again, several iterations also of note Avengers and X-Men both count) Torchwood Star Trek LOTR Stargate (SG-1, SGA) Mortal Kombat I dabbled with the idea of Potter fic but never got past the ideas stage.

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

1: You rearrange me till I’m sane Clint finds himself spiraling into a deep depression after the Battle of New York...until the Winter Soldier ends up saving him and inadvertently giving him a new purpose – to save the man that the Soldier had once been – Bucky Barnes. Not one to be outdone, the Soldier decides that his new mission is to ensure that Clint remains alive himself. Protecting a blonde man with a self-destructive streak is somehow very familiar to him. Through the back and forth of who is saving whom they cross the country and learn more about themselves and each other – and perhaps find a reason for living. 2: Five Dates Bucky Didn’t Realize He Was on And the One He Planned Himself To say that Bucky was surprised when Clint kissed him was an understatement. But it was nothing compared to the shock he felt when he learned they'd been dating for months without him realizing it.Clint gets whisked away for a mission before they have time to talk and Bucky is left to figure things out on his own - hindsight being 20/20 he can't help but wonder how he missed things the first go around.

3: Puck Luck Bucky Barnes is used to the ups and downs of an NHL season. He's used to the unpredictability of the game, knows that bounces don't always go your way, but that doesn't make a broken hand in the final third of the season any easier to deal with. Especially not when he ends up with an impromptu roommate/personal assistant in the form of one Clint Barton - his agent, Natalia Romanova's (rather attractive) friend he hadn't known existed before his injury.

It's just for six to eight weeks - what could possibly happen in that span of time?

4: Loose Lips Launch Ships

Based on the following prompt: “We go to school together and I think you’re cute and apparently you’re also the pizza delivery guy and my little sibling opened the door screaming hey sibling! you know that kid you’re in love with? you really weren’t kidding when you said his jawline could cut steel holy shit-” Bucky is the pizza delivery guy. Clint's younger (foster) brother has a big mouth.

5: Indelible Bucky Barnes has a pretty decent life – a good job, good friends, a cat that adores him - but something is missing. He’s always found body art to be beautiful and inspiring, and on a whim (and with the hope that maybe he can find what he’s missing) he decides to take the plunge and get a tattoo. That's how he meets Clint Barton. Clint's talented and compassionate and there is an instant spark between the two of them. It's not long before Bucky finds himself wondering and wanting more from the relationship despite the ghosts of the past that crop back up. Because Clint makes him feel normal in a way he truly hasn't for years...

(this was pre-Alpine so I was totally chuffed when canon confirmed Bucky’s status as a crazy cat lady (affectionate).

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not.

I really really really want to do it but I often times don’t end up doing it. There are a few reasons. First, I am akwward AF and bad at interaction adn I feel like just saying thank you would be...not enough? Second - I often times tend to like...turtle (aka retreat into myself) when life gets Too Hard/Busy which happens a lot to me (sigh) and then I miss the vague window in my mind in which it would be okay to respond and then it’s even more weird. I do love and cherish all of them. Like there was one months ago that made me go “hmm...I didn’t think I was going to do a sequel to that fic (You rearrange me till I’m sane), timestamp glimpses sure but a sequel hadn’t come to mind” but then the comment made me think! So...who knows? lol Anyway, I literally have been rereading some in an effort to try and get myself going again. Know that if you have commented, I love you.

6. What’s the fic you’ve written with the angstiest ending?

At the moment? Probably: Look at you look at me Bucky's in love with Clint - problem is he's really not supposed to be. For Winterhawk Week 2019 - Forbidden Love (I really don’t want to give away the spin in the fic but...if you’re familiar with the Secret Avengers Vol 2 run circa 2013ish (aka when SHIELD initially ‘took control of the team’) that’s a bit of a hint as to the spin). Were it done, Torch Song would be up there. ;) Torch Song Clint is sent back in time, via an alien device, to 1938. While he tries to figure out how to get back home, he takes up singing and entertaining to make ends meet and does his best to not disrupt the timeline.Then he meets a 21 year old Bucky Barnes. --- A torch song is a sentimental love song, typically one in which the singer laments an unrequited or lost love, either where one party is oblivious to the existence of the other, where one party has moved on, or where a romantic affair has affected the relationship.

7. Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest one you’ve ever written?

Does *wanting* to write crossovers count? lol I want, so badly, to do more crossovers and fusions (which...are kinda deeper versions of crossovers in a way). The only one I do have posted is a crossover between Highlander and Torchwood -

The Immortal Mr. Jones A series of vignettes (some long, some short) in the life of the newly immortal Ianto Jones. My most ambitions project that I have been working on since late 2011/early 2012 is a fusion of the Avengers with Stephen King’s the Stand. I will get that done at some point *shakes fist*  The Stand, for those who don’t know it, is an epic 1000+ page novel about a flu epidemic (I know) that wipes out over 99% of the population and then two figures representing Good and Evil pull the survivors in two directions for a showdown. So basically it’s a non-powered modern AU set in that universe. It’s a passion and comfort project. lol

8. Have you ever received hate on a fic?

Yes. Well, minor bitching back when I was in a prior fandom because I tagged a pairing in a fic but it was pre-slash and not labeled as pre-slash. I got hate on...I think it was Torch Song? And I’ve gotten hate on tumblr re me and my fic in general as well. Fandom! *jazz hands* Oh! And I’ve also been hit by those reviewers within Winterhawk (among general Clint pairings actually) who like rate you on either number scales or the “meh” scale. Which isn’t hate exactly but...it’s passive aggressive bullshit because I can’t believe none of them realize at this point that the authors can see their bookmarks - you know?

9. Do you write smut?

Yes. Do I write it well? I have no idea. lol

10. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not that I am aware of. Well...there was, I think, one of those reposting sites that had a few fics on it but I don’t think it was being passed off as someone else’s? I can’t quite recall. It’s why I have a note on AO3 about reposting my work anyway.

11. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

Not entirely, but sort of. Let me explain - I am part of a PBEM game; which for those unfamiliar since it’s a term that was most heavily in use 15-20 years ago, in which you basically do a round robin type writing thing but rather than everyone writing the same characters you write your own characters and you play off what other people have done. Another way of looking at it is  it’s basically DnD without dice and written down rather than done out loud. You also don’t have to all be around at the same time. It’s a lot of fun and yes I have been in it for 20 years even though there aren’t many of us left but they are some of my dearest friends and fabulous writers. Wins all around.  One of the other writers and I have actually toyed with the idea of doing a co-written fic actually, mostly because we work super well together and keep getting ideas for things but can’t really do them as rpgs since the pbem style isn’t used much anymore.

12. What’s your all time favorite ship?

Winterhawk probably. Though, let’s be real - Han & Leia are epic and amazing as are John & Delenn (from Babylon 5).

13. What was the first fandom you wrote for?

Does wanting to expand The Black Stallion books as a wee child count? lol Not much of that was written save for world building ideas but there was a great oral tradition of telling stories to my friends. Otherwise...maybe a tie between Star Wars and Highlander. Star Wars was a love since I was super young but the writing bug didn’t hit me until around the same time Highlander was a thing as well.

14. What’s your favorite fic you’ve written? You rearrange me till I’m sane for sure. Though Torch Song, if it were finished, would be tied I imagine (I suck at picking favorites). Honorable mention to Puck Luck and Indelible. Tagging: I have seen this like a million times (okay 5) so I feel like everyone has been tagged already that I know. But...I guess... @vexbatch @crazycatt71 @heartonfirewrites and @disruptedvice sorry if anyone has been tagged before.

[tripleaxeldiaz]

a year ago today, i got fired from a job that i hated, and was feeling a lot of things, so i wrote it all down and set a reminder for myself to read it in a year

a lot of other really bad shit happened between then and now, but i’m also a lot happier and in a lot better mental place than i was when i wrote this. i have a new job that i really like, i’m moving in with my best friend in a few months, and i don’t feel so goddamn tired and sad all the time like i did 365 days ago

so i’m posting it here, mostly for my own sake, but also in case anyone else is Going Though It and feels like there’s no light at the end of the tunnel. i promise you, it’s there. it might be far away, and the path might be a little wonky, but you’ll get to it

It’s Tuesday and it’s raining and I just got fired.

They pulled me into a conference room I had scheduled for hundreds of interviews - secluded, away from the bustle of the company, private.

Corinna told me, essentially, that I had improved in the areas they were looking at, but not enough for it to matter.

She left me with Cari, one of my favorites, who went over my separation agreement and how I would get paid for the next few weeks. Her eyes looked a little wet, but that may have just been my own.

She told me this would be a blip - plenty of people had gone through the same thing and they barely remember it.

I’m sure she’s right, but I want to remember it.

I held myself together when they told me the news. When Corinna left, Cari asked me how I was doing. I told her, honestly, “It is what it is. What else could I even do at this point?” 

I cried a little then. Not necessarily because I was sad - mostly because I was overwhelmed.

When I left, I called Caitlin - she’s a 15 minute walk, and I didn’t want to take the train all the way back to Brooklyn.

I was ashamed mostly - like who even gets fired? Isn’t that for slackers who are bad at their job and can’t do anything right?

To be fair, that’s how I felt most of the time here. And I just had an inkling, for the past few weeks really, that something like this was looming. People were acting different. Maybe they thought I didn’t notice. I did.

Caitlin didn’t answer so I called my parents. They were in Florida visiting Papa and thought I butt-dialed them. That’s when I really started crying - again from the shame, not from being sad. How embarrassing was it to tell your parents, who think the world of you, that you screwed up and lost your job? That all that money they funneled toward college apparently didn’t mean anything?

If you couldn’t tell, I may have been spiraling a bit.

The spiral made me forget how much my parents love me and support me for a minute. They quickly reminded me. Everything they said was true - I hated this job, I had money saved in the bank, this was probably a relief more than anything.

It was. A huge relief. So huge I didn’t even realize the tension I’d been holding in my entire body for the past 6 (or maybe 18) months had finally lifted. I felt like I could breathe again/

The thing about a depressive episode is that you sometimes don’t even know you’re in it until you’re out.

They told me to take the day - relax, regroup, refocus - and tomorrow I can get to work on finding something else. I had a call with a staffing agency the day before and another call tonight. Things were being put in motion.

I hung up and Megan snapped me. I called her too since she was awake.

“How are you?” she asked

“Well I just got fired, so I’ve been better,” I said.

The shame was gone apparently. Sarcasm to cope was back.

I talked to her, I talked to Caitlin, I talked to Elaine, who funnily enough had also just lost her job.

Shahana and Ellen too.

They all said the same thing: this could be the best thing that ever happened to you.

And the spooky part? Literally the night before, Jane and I were talking about our jobs we don’t like but need to keep to dig our way out of debt, how we can’t afford to quit even though we’re unbelievably unhappy.

It’s almost like the universe heard us and was like, “Oh you want to quit that badly? Well I’ll just go ahead and do it for you.”

A blessing in disguise if ever there was one.

Now I’m home, in the middle of the day (also why do it on a Tuesday? And in the morning after my hour commute to the office?) and I’m writing it all down - I want to remember, a year from now, or 5 or 10 or 20, that this was a pretty hard low to hit.

That I felt ashamed and mad and a little sad.

That, despite the fact that I had been told repeatedly that people at this job supported me and wanted me to succeed, only 2 people out of the 10 on my team (plus sweet Sayde) have texted me to check in on how I’m doing.

But even with all that, I’m feeling good. A little excited. A lot fired up.

Today I will sit on my couch and wallow a little bit and do nothing.

Tomorrow I will try again.

[quickspinner]

Second Chance - Ch 2 Second Chance at a First Date

Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 4 | Chapter 5 | Chapter 6 | Chapter 7 | Chapter 8

“Luka, this isn’t how it’s supposed to go,” Marinette pouted when the chauffeur helped her into the car next to him. “I asked you out, I should have planned the date.”

“I know,” he grinned. “But this way we have a chance of keeping at least this one date out of the tabloids.”

“I hardly ever see you in the tabloids,” Marinette remarked. “Why is that?”

Luka chuckled. “One of my friends from lycée works for a legitimate entertainment magazine, so I make sure all the news goes to him first and that heads off some of it, but honestly, for a rock star, I’m boring. Juleka and I wanted to retain as much control as possible over our brand, so I work a lot. I don’t drink or party, I don’t date all that much. I’m not really hard to find because I eat at the same places and work out at the same gym every day, so mostly they show up and take a few invasive pictures and then get bored and leave. I don’t get mobbed at the door everywhere I go unless there’s an album release or something big like that. The last time the tabloids really cared about me was when I was dating Clara.”

Marinette gasped. “That’s right, I forgot you dated Clara Nightingale!”

Luka ran a self-conscious hand through his hair. “Yeah, I can’t actually believe I had to guts to hit on her in the first place, but we were on the same tour and she’s so sweet, I’d developed this massive crush on her, and when you’ve been up for thirty-seven hours straight a lot of stupid things get said.” He blushed a bit at the memory, putting a hand to his forehead. “Man, I was so awkward, but she was really nice about it. She was even sweet when she dumped me, although I think we had both realized by then that neither of us were invested enough in the relationship to overcome the challenges once the tour was over. It’s bad enough trying to date with my schedule but you add hers into the mix and it was—” He shook his head. “We parted on good terms and we still keep in touch when we’re both in town, despite what the gossip rags tried to make it. When I didn’t spiral into drunken despair, they moved on pretty quick. Way more profitable to follow someone like Jagged who makes a scene everywhere he goes, or someone like XY that people love to hate.”   

“How inconsiderate of you not to go on a bender and be found in a ditch on the side of the road,” Marinette giggled.

“Very. I’m terrible for magazine sales.” Luka took her hand. “Anyway, I figured if we used the car service and went to a restaurant with a covered entrance we’d squeak by without ending up in the papers. I can’t guarantee that, though.” 

“I figured,” Marinette shrugged. “I kinda got used to it while I was with Adrien. I’ll get used to it again if I have to.” 

There were thrilling implications there he didn’t want to think about too hard just yet. “You look beautiful. Is that one of yours?”

“Thank you. It’s actually not,” Marinette admitted, looking down at her dress. “One of my friends made it for me a few months ago as part of a trade. It’s lovely, though, isn’t it? He did a great job. He’s going to be huge once his line debuts next summer, I’m sure of it.”

Luka smiled. “And when does your line debut?”

“Oh,” Marinette sighed, and made a face. “That’s kind of the hard thing about coming off of this internship. I’ve had two years where everything was sort of laid out and planned for me, and now I have to figure out what the next step is on my own. Although before even that, I have to put together a mini show and presentation for the awards committee to demonstrate what I’ve taken away from the experience. There will be a lot of really important people in the industry, I’m hoping to make an impression and see what opportunities develop from there.”

“That sounds like a lot of work.”

“It is,” Marinette shrugged, “But it’s worth it, and I’m certainly not lacking for inspiration material. I’ll get it done.”

“And you still made time to go out with me.” He nudged her with his shoulder. “I’m flattered.”

Marinette smiled at him. “Prioritizing is definitely something I’ve gotten better at while I was away.” She laced her fingers through his and darted a glance up through her lashes that hit him like a punch to the gut. “I missed you a lot while I was gone, Luka. I’m not about to miss you while we’re both right here.”

“Well,” he said, hoping his sudden inability to breathe wasn’t too obvious, “We’re in total agreement on that one.”

Luka was relieved that he managed to make it to their table without tripping over himself (Marinette wasn’t so lucky, but that was normal for her, and he was there to catch her). He rubbed his hand on his knee as he sat down, reassuring himself that he was in fact wearing pants, since he was getting increasingly worried he might be dreaming.  

Except if he were, wouldn’t he be dreaming about the sweet, stuttering, blushing, beautiful mess he remembered? Not this confident, flirty, undeniably hot woman.

He was in so much trouble.

“Thanks for taking me out, Luka,” Marinette said once they were settled. “Honestly I didn’t even know if you would want to see me after all this time, and...everything.” Marinette’s cheeks reddened, and Luka found himself relaxing at the familiar flush. “I probably owe you an apology for everything that happened back then.”

Luka shook his head. “You didn’t hurt me on purpose. We were all young, you were in love. I knew it; I think everyone did but Adrien.”

Marinette groaned and covered her face with her hands. “I’m still sorry. I could have handled it better. I could have handled you better. Sometimes I want to die when I think about how I was back then.”

“Well, we all have some memories like that,” Luka chuckled. “I don’t hold any of it against you. How is Adrien?”

“He’s doing well. Things were hard for him for a while, especially right after we broke up, but he’s in a better place now. He...I don’t want to say too much or speak out of turn, but he’s had some long-standing issues and he’s finally seeing someone about them, and he’s made a lot of progress.”

“That’s good to hear, I’m glad he’s getting some help.” Luka glanced away. “The way he grew up would have messed up anybody. But I’m sorry it took losing you to make him realize he needed it.”

Marinette shrugged, and her smile was crooked. “I’d really rather not get into it.”

Luka winced. “Of course, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that. I didn’t mean to bring up bad memories.” 

Marinette shook her head. “It was messy for a while, but we’re both in good places now, both individually and in our friendship, so let’s just leave it at that.” 

“Right,” Luka agreed. “So tell me more about this presentation you have to do, it sounds interesting.”

“In a little bit,” Marinette smiled, leaning on the table towards him. “We talked so much about me last time, I want to hear more about you. Is being a rock star everything you dreamed it would be?”

“Yes and no,” Luka admitted. “It’s awesome, don’t get me wrong, and it blows me away how many people want to hear my music, but—hang on, let me think about how to say this right.” He frowned as he considered his words. “It’s great bringing my music to more people,” he said slowly. “I don’t regret anything and I’m so grateful. But…”

“Take your time,” Marinette encouraged, putting her hand over his on the table, and he flashed her a grateful smile.

“I miss the deeper connections, I guess. I miss looking in someone’s eyes and playing something that’s meaningful for just that person, or for just the two of us.” 

“Like the day we met,” Marinette agreed softly, and he nodded, smiling fondly at her.

“I don’t get to do that often any more, and I miss that.”  

“Can I ask you something?” Marinette said, cheeks tinting pink again. “That song you wrote the first year you hit it big…”

Luka didn’t even need her to finish. The whole album had been about moving on, letting go, and several of the singles had hit big, but he knew exactly which song she meant. “It was about you, yeah. I hope that doesn’t make you uncomfortable.”

“I cried when I heard it,” she admitted. “To this day, it’s the only one of your songs I can’t listen to.”

“I’m sorry. I kind of hoped you wouldn’t figure it out, but I should have known you would.”

Marinette shook her head. “Don’t be. Clearly it was something you needed to write, and I think it was something I needed to hear.”

Luka smiled. “So you listen to my music, huh?” 

“Of course I do,” she exclaimed. “I have every album you’ve released, physical and digital copies.”

“You’d do that even if you didn’t like it,” he teased, though he was touched.

“That’s true. But I do like it,” she leaned in, and the fingers covering his hand brushed over his knuckles in slow strokes. “I like the music, and I like the man who makes it.” 

“Careful, angel,” he told her, voice deepening slightly as thrills danced through him from her touch. “You’ll make me blush.”

“Luka, that voice is dangerous,” she laughed breathlessly, cheeks a bright pink.

“Mmm, so I’ve been told,” he grinned slyly, pleased to find he affected her. She’d had him off balance since he’d laid eyes on her at the concert. “I think there was even a magazine vote about it once. But I think your eyes are what’s dangerous. I could get lost in them forever.” 

Once upon a time Marinette would have combusted on the spot, sputtering and stammering until she literally fell over. Tonight Marinette just blinked those beautiful eyes and asked softly, “Would that be so bad?”

Luka moved his hand to thread his fingers through hers. She remained solid in his grip. Still not a dream. “It sounds like heaven to me.”

***

Luka was feeling a little thunderstruck as he walked Marinette back up to Alya’s apartment, where she was staying for the time being. On the one hand, he’d been burned badly by Marinette once before, whether she’d intended to or not, and if she’d been fire then, she was something infinitely more dangerous now. On the other hand, she’d made her interest in him clear, and he wanted very much to explore what they could be together. The chemistry between them was as strong as it had always been, and just the way she’d been looking at him tonight was enough to make him feel weak. Add in the flirty banter and soft touches and he was perilously close to melting at her feet. 

The old saying about things that seem too good to be true was in his mind as she turned to face him outside the apartment door. Luka flattened one hand against the door and leaned in, keeping his hand in his coat pocket. Marinette raised her face to meet him and he pressed his mouth to hers softly. He felt her fingers tangle in the front of his shirt to pull him closer. He took her hands and detached them gently. 

“Next time,” he said softly into the space between them, and then he had to clear his throat. “Can there be a next time, Marinette?” 

“I’d like that,” she said, and then, more hesitantly, “You don’t have to hold back so much, you know. I’m not delicate.”

He took her hand in his and flattened her palm over his heart so she could feel how it pounded in his chest. “I know that, but right now, I am. My life already goes so fast I feel like I can hardly keep up. I’d really like to take things slow between us, if that’s okay.”

The smile she gave him was slow and soft. “Definitely.” 

“And part of it is that…” he paused, thinking over his words. “Sorry, it’s just I don’t want to say this wrong.”

“Take your time.”

“I still have a lot of past Marinette in my head,” he said, running his thumb along her cheekbone. “The girl I was in love with all through lycée.” Her breath caught and he gave her a moment to absorb that as he considered his next words. “I want us to get to know each other again, if that makes sense. I don’t want to be blinded to who you are now by a bunch of memories and unresolved feelings. I want be sure I’m really seeing you, and I want to make sure you’re really seeing me too. So...can we start like strangers?” He huffed in frustration. “No, that’s not what I mean, exactly…”

“It’s okay, I think I understand, and you’re right.” Marinette curled her hand lightly around his wrist. “I know I probably put you through a lot back then and I’m not trying to rush you into anything.”

“Marinette,” Luka said gently, “If we’re going to have anything in the here and now, you need to let that go.” He smiled. “I was never angry with you, and you don’t owe me anything. Clean slate, okay?” He bit his lip and looked away. “I’m not asking you for anything, but for my own peace of mind, I want you to know that I won’t be seeing anyone else, casually or otherwise, until we figure out what we want us to be.” He gave a lopsided grin. “I know that there are all these preconceptions that people have about rock stars, but I have to be honest, I’m not very good at casual anyway. Just not my thing, you know?”

“I wondered,” Marinette admitted. “It didn’t seem like you, but it’s like you said, about rock stars and you always look really hot on stage and—“ she buried her face in her hands. “And why haven’t you stopped me yet, oh my God…”

Luka lost his battle against laughter and he pulled her to him, hugging her even as she punched his arm. “Ow, you’re strong,” he laughed, squeezing her tight. 

“So are you, that was like punching a wall,” she said, her tone grumpy, but she slid her fingers down his arm with appreciation, leaving goosebumps in her wake even through his dress shirt.

“My personal trainer thanks you for the compliment,” Luka grinned, and then he sighed, loosening his arms and taking half a step back. “I’m supposed to be saying good night here before I get carried away.” 

Marinette slid her arms up around his neck, and the smirk she gave him nearly killed him on the spot. “It wouldn’t hurt to get a little carried away, would it?” 

Resistance crumbling, Luka let her pull him down into another kiss, fuller and deeper than before, taking a moment to really savor the feel and the taste of her and the way she moved against him, and then he pulled back and kissed her cheek. “Goodnight, Marinette. I can’t wait to see you again. I’ll call?”

“You better.”

***

Juleka was sitting on his couch when he got home with his guitar in her lap, playing Seven Year Ache at half tempo with a morose expression. Subtle as a funeral dirge, he thought, rolling his eyes as he hung his keys on the rack by the door and took off his suit coat. “I’m gonna take my key back if you start waiting up for me every time I’m on a date,” he called.

Juleka took one look at his face when he walked into the living room and groaned, letting her head fall back. “I thought you were over this, you absolute idiot.”

“It was a lie,” he sighed, flopping on his back on the loveseat and propping his long legs on the arm. “I was never over it.”

“Luka, she wrecked you for years.”

“No, she didn’t,” he protested. “One, it wasn’t her fault, and two, I was fine.”

“You were heartbroken.”

“Heartbroken and fine, Juleka.”

“Fine is not the same thing as happy,” Juleka snorted, folding her arms. 

“I’m happy now,” he replied, grinning at the ceiling like a loon. 

“You could at least string her along for a bit,” Juleka grumbled. “Make her suffer just a little.”

“She didn’t do anything wrong, Jule, cut her some slack.”

“I don’t need to, you give her plenty for both of us.” Juleka pursed her lips. “She picked someone else over you.”

“That was her right. I don’t hold it against her, why do you?”

“She hurt you.”

“Yeah, well that hurt went platinum, so I think you can forgive her now.” Luka scowled and tossed a throw pillow at her. “Considering we paid for these apartments with the money from that album.”

“There’s no amount of money that can make up for what she put you through,” Juleka groused.

“Come on Jule, she was your friend.”

“She was, until you went and fell in love with her like an idiot and she broke your heart.” Juleka looked at him and rolled her eyes with a sigh that meant she was giving up. “But you’re obviously going to date her whether I think it’s a good idea or not, so I’ll save my breath.” She pushed off the couch and dumped his guitar on his stomach.

“I sure as hell am,” Luka agreed happily, and Juleka groaned as she opened the door to go back across the hall to her own apartment. 

“You’re disgusting, you know that right?” she called, and the door slammed before he could answer her.

Luka rolled his eyes and pulled the guitar into place, strumming lightly as he grinned at the ceiling.

[creek-cryptid-deluxe]

Alright Humans and Humanoids, it's time for another rant. Today's topic: a suddenly judgmental 'friend'

Ok, so, there is a woman who I've been friends with for about 5 yrs who we will call... L. She was around when my health started the initial Big Spiral that caused me to have to go on disability. She took me to the e.r. & to procedures. She was helpful & supportive. She helped me come to terms with needing mobility devices & encouraged me to go into pain management, knowing full well that I was at the point where I had tried everything short of the dreaded opioid medication. She knew I was scared of the judgement that can come with it. This last year or so though she has become less supportive, more self centered. Example: she had a baby a year ago. When she went back to work, it was one day a week & really only needed 2 hrs of childcare that day before her husband (who is amazingly sweet & still super supportive) got off work. So I volunteered. 2 hrs once a week was doable. Then she started her practicum hours for school. Suddenly she needed 5 hrs for 2 days and the 2 hrs the other day. She knew that me feeling as useless as I do, I would say yes, even though it was far too much. After 2 months, her husband made her find daycare because when he picked up the kiddo every day, he could see how badly it was killing me. After that, she stopped talking to me unless she needed someone to bitch about her life to. Fine. We all go through periods like that. It will get better, I thought (stupidly). Since then, I've only seen her when her husband invites me over for game night. Ok. Fine.

Which brings us to today. I went over for the baby's first birthday. I pretty much just hang with her husband & his friend because they are chill and because there were WAY WAY more people there than I was lead to believe there would be, so there's a ton of noise. I'm chatting with those guys about something I discovered regarding my medication (which I've been on, at the same dose, for nearly 2 yrs) that makes it work better in emergency situations (like if the pain is super overwhelming, can't move kind of bad). I purposely was not going to tell her, but she walked outside at just the wrong time. She immediately becomes super condescending & judgmental in tone, lecturing me about opioid addiction & basically treating me like a junkie. Here are some relevant facts about this little talk:

#1. I have been on this dose for nearly 2 yrs. I never take more than I'm prescribed, often less, actually, so that I am able to address emergency situations.

#2. In emergency situations, this is my last resort. I take OTC meds, use heat or ice, stretch, ect FIRST.

#3. My pain tolerance is NUTS. If I'm not tearing up when I move/put weight on that body part, it's fine and I just need heat/ice and rest.

#4. This woman is an ex heroin addict who up until she learned she was pregnant was doing molly on the regular and getting falling down drunk a minimum of twice a week.

#5. Remember me mentioning her practicum hours? Yeah, she is getting her masters and licensing to become an addiction counselor.

#6. She know goddamn well that even being prescribed these meds was a last resort for me, so anything other than my scaled down maintenance dose is absolutely a last resort.

SO WHAT THE FUCK. She made me feel small, ashamed, and absolutely like shit about doing what I need to fucking do to survive. Yes, I am in constant excruciating pain, but the emergency pain we are talking about? That shit makes me want to kill myself just so it will stop.

My dad (whom I live with) sees how bad it gets. I can see it physically hurt him to be helpless to do anything about it. In those moments, he looks so small and old. I told him what I was doing and his response was "Are you still able to measure the dose accurately?" When I confirmed that I can, he said "Does it work?" Again, confirmed. "DUDE THAT'S AWESOME! That's like a total game changer for you!" (Now you know where I get part of my speech patterns from since I type the way I speak.) Like, if my dad (and my other 4 friends, who basically reacted the same way) are just overjoyed I found a way to manage the pain better, then she should be, too.

But she isn't. I don't know that I can maintain that friendship anymore. She is literally NEVER happy for me or encouraging about anything. Example: I finally found a decor scheme that I want to pursue for my spaces. (I'll post about that next because I'm PUMPED AS HELL.) I sent her pictures I'm using for inspiration with a lot of words conveying my extreme excitement and she responded with "I dunno. That's really eclectic & a lot of colors. It looks, like, cluttered and nothing matches. Don't do too much of it. I'm sure you'll change your mind soon." I was like:

but instead of 'meep' I definitely said bitch. I can't imagine being that consistently negative about EVERYTHING that isn't what you like/want/believe. That must take so much energy. I really don't need that kind of person in my realm right now. I've got dragons to befriend or vanquish (those dragons will be my friends or they will be cut down) and stuff to paint.

Really sad thing is today she was lamenting that she only has 3 'real friends' left since having the baby. I don't understand how she can lack that much self awareness. I'll still be nice when she reaches out, because I'm friends with her husband, but I'm not pouring more energy into that relationship. It isn't worth it & is incredibly one sided. Just because I put a lot of time into it doesn't mean I should continue to do so. Not at such a steep price.

*DISCLAIMER FOR ANYONE CONCERNED:

just so we are clear on this, I'm not doing anything dumb like shooting up my meds. Just fyi. I'm not entirely comfortable (after today's experience) with disclosing what I'm doing. To be frank, I don't tell many people what I'm even on in the first place. It's nobody's biz. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

[the-cookie-of-doom]

it’s sad bitch hours sorry 

I just realized that someone promised again and again that something wouldn’t happen no matter what and yet that exact sequence of events fucking happened exactly 4 months later to the day, exactly as I predicted they would, and lol I should have seen the writing on the wall, but I wanted so badly to believe it was okay that I was willing to keep trying, even though I honestly should have stopped months before. This is why I can’t trust people, I’m so tired of being lied to. It was so fucked up because it followed the exact pattern and now I know the entire four months between that and the end were a total lie and that hurts so much. I thought I was past it but sometimes it just hits me how fucked up it all is, but also so bitterly funny because. 4 months. exactly 4 months later. There’s something poetic about that, I think. Hell, maybe it was even intentional lol, who the fuck knows? Not me, apparently I didn’t know anything. and as of now it’s been 6 months to the day and I guess that’s why I’m thinking of it again, like a really shitty anniversary that just makes me feel shaky and nauseous and hate myself for being so naïve. I wish I was the type of person to drown my sorrows but honestly I’m 19, I think alcohol tastes awful, and getting wasted seems like more trouble than it’s worth, anyway. At least school lets out for the summer in a month and I can properly wallow in my misery and depression. the quarantine really isn’t helping. Hopefully it’ll be over by summer; I’ve accepted that my plans for my bday just aren’t happening, which sucks bc I’ve been planning it for years (turning 20 is more important to me than 21 bc of the aforementioned not caring about alcohol, or gambling for that matter) but I’d at least be able to drive down to the beach occasionally. I did manage to get some stream-of-consciousness written for Neverland, though. I’m slowly getting the plot worked out. Funnily enough most of my progress is for the third part of the fic, where Mitch and Stiles are 35ish and adopt a teenager and their little family dynamic is just so fun to write, because they are both really good parents. 

Edit: I thought I was done but nope apparently not? I think the worst part is how much they promised it would be okay. And yknow, I believed it, because I’m stupid like that. And when it all went to hell it was awful, but I could accept it as simple differences, yknow? Not everything works out and I know that. But then to find out that all those promises of it’s okay no matter what were actually, literally lies? Yeah that’s what’s really got me fucked up lol. I can put up with anything else, but I cannot stand when someone lies to me. Especially something like that. I don’t care how much the truth hurts, but don’t give me that false sense of security and let me believe everything’s okay when you know it isn't. 

I think I’ve gotten to the point of anger in the 5 stages of grief, which is rare for me. I usually go straight to acceptance pretty quick. But I think it’s because this is the first time I’ve really been so hurt by something. I mean I’ve been hurt plenty, but this just hit differently. I feel like I lost a part of myself. And I want to hold out hope that maybe some day in the future it will be okay again, but honestly, how can it? How the FUCK could it ever be okay again after that clusterfuck? I want it to, and when I think back to a year ago I remember how good things were, and a year before that they were perfect. I don’t feel any bitterness about that. It’s like I’ve compartmentalized the last two years of my life into Before and After, and I can think about the Before without it hurting. I can clearly imagine being like that again. But then when I think about actually getting to that point again... it all falls apart. I feel like my trust is gone, and I don’t know how I could get it back after that. I think I could pretend to be fine ust like I always do, but at the back of my mind I would always be questioning everything, waiting for the other shoe to drop and everything to fall apart again, because it just kept happening, and why would next time be any different? I want there to be a next time, but at the same time, I can't decide if that would even be healthy for me at this point. Everything was such a mess by the end and I never know when to cut bait with someone, I always want to cling to the good times. When it gets to a point that I have to cut someone out of my life I can, but when I feel like there’s a glimmer of a chance at redeeming something, I’ll hold on, and that’s just. Not good. And it’s so hard to tell if I want to reconcile because of nostalgia for how it used to be, or because I think it would actually be a good idea. The one thing I do know is that I wish none of this had ever happened. It hurts and it’s awful and I can’t seem to dig my way out of the depression spiral I’ve been in ever since it happened, and so many other things just keep getting heaped onto the pile. 

I miss the way I used to bed. I can feel the tangible difference in me since last October. That’s when my life went to hell and it’s just been getting worse and it feels like I’ll never be okay again. I know I will because I’m stubborn, and I always find a way to be okay, but it just hurts so much and I hate this, I hate myself and that just makes me even angrier because I was doing good. My life was great. I was happy and active and productive and I could honestly say I loved myself, and now I can’t even look at myself in the mirror half the time. I’m spinning my wheels because I know I need to do things but I just can't make myself do them, even though I know I’ll suffer from it in the future. This year I was supposed to get better. I was going to get my shit together and start the next decade of my life off on a high note and instead it’s just been one cluster fuck after another. I just want to be okay again. 

[bymyblood]

I don’t know if I can work today. I thought I could at first but I’ve been up since 7 and unable to sleep. I got plenty of sleep last night of course, but when I woke up I remembered yesterday and was overwhelmed with sadness. I tried to call Sam a couple of times but he sent me to voicemail. His voicemail box is full so I sent him an audio message through messenger. I have no idea if he listened to it. I want to talk to him so bad. I feel broken. My chest has this awful pain that will not go away. And the only thing I know that will make it better is talking to him. Hugging him. Being in his arms and feeling safe. All I want is him and he’s pushing me away. It hurts so bad. I was going to hug him yesterday but there was never a good moment. My memory is so bad now, after being ill and on all those drugs, and it’s frustrating. I’m not even sure the last time we kissed. It might have been on New Year’s Eve. And that was just a quick peck, barely anything. I can’t remember for sure the last time we had sex either, but I know it was good. The last few times were great, which I remember for sure because we had been having not much/not great sex for a few months there and Sam had been feeling upset about it for a while. We talked about it a lot and it ended up getting better for the last couple of months. I still don’t know what changed to make him break up with me. He has a lot of stressors in his life atm, but he had some before too. I got him through so much honestly. When we started dating, he was in the closet, depressed and suicidal, and was still working as a housekeeper. Since then, he has come out, started his transition, gone through two agonizing psych ward stays, gotten to a better place mentally (though he still has a lot of problems), and unceremoniously gotten fired from the housekeeping job. The being fired had a huge impact on him for sure. But what changed?? I can’t figure it out. We’ve been having problems for months but only recently have they gotten over the top. It started getting really bad around September/October. I got a job in that time. He lost his in November. Here’s a timeline of events: first big fight at the end of September. It was something dumb. I didn’t support him moving out to get away from his mom, and he had expected me to be on board. He felt betrayed, overreacted, and was manic. He said we were over. We talked it out later and he apologized and came back to me. Second big fight in mid November. I spurred it that time, albeit unintentionally. I was going to take his one month on T photos after work but I asked him if I could come over a couple hours later so I could spend a little time with my mom. He said it was fine so casually, but actually was really looking forward to having me over and wasn’t okay with it. That’s where the problem started- the dishonesty. It was such a petty thing, but he was very upset and angry over it and tried to end the relationship again. We had a big long talk about it over dinner at mellow mushroom and we came out feeling great. We decided that we were going to back off a little on our relationship. Take things down a notch- no more living together, more structured time together, etc. It was so great, we saw a movie afterward and everything. That was the peak of our conflict resolution.

Early December, third big fight. Well, less of a fight. He cussed me out (December 5) over the phone because I was pushing his limit with something he didn’t want to talk about. My fault for pushing him, but his fault for overreacting and lashing out. The next day (December 6) he acted totally normal. I told him that the way he treated me wasn’t okay and he said he knew it wasn’t. That was the extent of our conversation. Then we went to the mall and had a good time. The whole time though he was kind of down and depressed. That night I texted him and said I was feeling kind of sad because I knew he hadn’t had a great day- I called it secondhand depression. I shouldn’t have said that because I think it made him feel guilty. The next day (December 7) he texted me at work and said something along the lines of “this isn’t working, I am not supporting you like I should and we need to break up.” Then he realized I was at work, apologized, and said to call him later after tkd. I did so, and he officially broke up with me. It was a long ordeal, all over the phone, and it was awful. I was heartbroken. After we finished talking, I looked at his blog and saw that he was posting suicidal stuff. I was so scared and texted his mom to keep an eye on him. I fell asleep crying. But then the next day (December 8) he did a lot of introspection and found his book about BPD that I gave him months ago and started reading it. He called me up and he sounded really good. It was like a complete turnaround from the night before. He said that he was learning a lot and identifying problems in his behavior. We talked a lot about it and how he was going to study the book and make himself better. I felt hopeful for him. Later that night he told me that he might have made a mistake breaking up with me. We talked a lot, and I sent him a bunch of songs to listen to. I told him that I was still hanging on and that I still believed in him. He said that he was going to learn more about managing his BPD and that he was going to be a better man for me. He asked if we could just be friends for a while until he got his shit together and fixed himself. We agreed on that and he told me he was excited to be friends. (All on December 8) For a few days, that worked out fine. We texted a bit like usual, mostly sending each other links to memes and whatnot.

On December 16, we went downtown to see a movie I’d been begging him to take me to. Lady bird. I told him that’s what I wanted for Christmas. So we went and saw it, and had a great time together, even though I was on my period and crampy. On the way to the movie, he said something along the lines of that he wanted to depropose to me so that in the future he could repropose to me and do it right, and keep things right between us. It was really sweet and made me feel so hopeful. After the movie, we walked around a few places that were still open, and had a good time. Before I start this next bit, a bit of background: sam and I have always disagreed about race stuff. To help explain his views, here is some info about his background: “white trash” family on one side, parents divorced at a young age, raised by a single mom, poor, abused by his stepmom, started working at 15 to support him and his mom. He is one of the white people that has not experienced much of that good ol white privilege. He is a fan of racist jokes, is okay with using the n word, and denies/is not aware of systemic oppression towards black people. I’ve tried to argue with him on it several times, but it always ends badly, so I have learned to just let it go, and he has learned to not make those types of jokes around me. Now, the next part: while we were walking around, at one point we walked in between a big group of white dudes, and I made the mistake of joking that I felt a lot more scared walking through their group than I ever did walking past the homeless black guys on the road. That started it I think. I shouldn’t have said it. We walked through one more store, still had a good time, then headed back to my car. On the way to the car, he said something along the lines of this: “sometimes I wish I would have been been born black. My life would be easier, I would have received more help from the government and I would have had more opportunities.” When he said that I tried not to rail against it too harshly. I said sometime along the lines of “well not necessarily. Because you’re white, you don’t know what it’s like to be black. You gotta remember that many black people are born into poverty and bad situations, so you don’t necessarily know if you would have had it easier.” He got kind of ruffled and quiet after that. Once we were in the car he was acting all quiet and distant so I asked him what was wrong. He acted like there wasn’t a problem for a few minutes but I kept pushing because I could feel the tension in the air. He basically said he was on edge about the race comments we had shared, and we talked about that and it spiraled downward. He said he wasn’t being serious with what he said, he was just joking... why can’t I just take the joke. Why do I always have to take things so literally. He was frustrated. We didn’t argue much; we mostly just shared a really negative tension over it. Honestly it ruined the whole night and tore down the goodness we had started to build back. I wish I had never said anything about it. The next day we talked very briefly and he made it clear he wasn’t in the mood to chat with me. I let him be for a while.

That night (December 17) I texted him about it being a year since I went back to the hospital for the second time. I texted him a picture of himself smiling in the ER right before they moved me to a bed. He asked me to stop, and said that pictures like that make him feel shitty and guilty because he doesn’t love me like he did back then. He said he was trying to forget the past and move on with the future. I countered that in the past he often liked to look back at old pictures like that, and he replied “Not when things are different. Example, I was so happy with you back then, now I’m not. It hurts to look at those pictures.” I apologized and said that I felt sad too, but also hopeful for the future when he was doing better. He said “I wish you weren’t so hopeful.” I said “I wish you weren’t so hopeless.” He said that it’s over between us seriously, that he doesn’t like me anymore and that our disagreement from the day before made him realize that we’re different people now and that we don’t match up anymore. I said please don’t do this, and he said he can’t do it. He can’t make himself feel anything for me and he hates it but it’s true. I told him there is a difference between lack of love and depression, and he said he had both. I said it feels like he’s giving up on both us and himself, and he insisted that he was moving forward with himself. He texted me a picture of some goals he had written down in his notes app. I told him that I couldn’t stand this, that I didn’t understand what happened to get us there. I sent him pictures of a bunch of old notes he had written me during the good times. He said he was so sorry and that he didn’t know things would change back then. I asked why that, just a week earlier when he broke up with me, he ended up calling me later and regretting it. He said he didn’t know, that he kept fucking with my emotions. I told him that I know that the love is still there, that I have seen it from him. I told him I can live without his love for now but that I didn’t want to live without him. That scared him, and he started insisting that I can be independent and do my own thing. He said he didn’t want me to give up on life, and I told him that wasn’t what I was saying. He told me that there are other fish in the sea and that he is sorry for rejecting my love. I told him that I’m not a regular fish and that he’s my person that I picked for life. That made him upset. He said he can’t help that I chose him and that I should stop talking to him completely. I asked him what happened to being friends, he said that he doesn’t want to be friends because we don’t have anything in common and he can’t joke with me. I said he’s forgetting the good parts, that we have tons of jokes together. He said that all that is in the past and that he has changed. I said we had one disagreement yesterday and that it ruined the whole night, but that he was the one that let the disagreement take over and mess up the rest. I told him that our jokes and good times from before are still there. He insisted again that he has changed. I told him the point that I’m making is that he is the problem with the relationship. Him not taking responsibility and not putting in equal effort is messing things up. He said he completely agreed. I told him to not reply, just wait and let me finish. I then sent him a series of lengthy text messages that I will post in a group after this post. One sec.

[choosehereveryday]

Week 1

What brought me in? What made you decide it was time to take action?

I lost really important relationships because of my anxiety that triggers crazy manic behavior, I have gotten violent I have hurt people close to me and tried hurting myself and I’m trying to do anything to feel better. Every day now I am severely depressed, I miss my previous partner so much and crave the communication and relationship we once had. And I want to learn to how to battle my triggers so I can be a better partner/friend/person, and generally survive in society with myself with minimal or no severe manic episodes.

Strengths

Charismatic, funny

Resilient

Self-sufficient

Street smart

Adabptable

How ________ effects my well being?

Intimate Relationships: Currently technically have none but my previous partner still weighs heavily on my mind constantly, I have spent days in bed crying and trying to find ways to be okay with literally no prevail I feel hopeless missing her so much, it hurts to even write this.

Friends: I feel as though I have lost a lot of friendships and invested my time into ones that don’t always benefit me.

I have a few friends at work who I would really consider my best friends, whether they think the same of me or not I’m not sure. Which doesn’t really bother me because they give me a nice release and I feel comfortable around them not comfortable enough to go to them when I am upset but just enough so I can say I am having a bad day and Dan will send me gifs and memes and sometimes we take walks that get me out of the office and to stop crying at work. Also all amazing and trusted people to bitch about the stresses of work too!

I really want to reach out to new circles because I am really tired of feeling insignificant in my friends lives and even being invited to a festival in a group and knowing they have a group chat but not being apart of it. I am taking everything as a grain of salt but life has been very lonely lately and I haven’t really done anything at all. I feel guilty every time I go out somewhere like I’m gonna get in trouble or if Erin found out she would be triggered and even though she obviously doesn’t want to talk to me I still cant help but worry it will hurt her and in turn me.

Family My family and I are not close and I guess eventually once I’m healthy again and consistent in my relationships I would love to grow closer with them again.

My dad stresses me out I feel unloved and undervalued by him, I don’t know if it is solely just mistakes I have made or his harsh outlook on life but he communicates and makes me feel so degraded and worthless.

My mom is just so aloof with me, she left while I was 15 and never contacted me till years later when she just showed up at my graduation and then again the same year a few months later on my birthday because I was leaving for the military, she is my mom and I find some comfort in her but I also don’t care to have a relationship with her because it is very one sided, and it is not that way with my sister and that deeply hurts me.

My Grandma I miss her so much she passed away a few years ago and since that moment everything has been a blur i really just whole heartily think she could help and having a family member as constant as her would be so fucking nice most days and I cry out for her, I miss her so much when I am feeling like I cant cope. Sometimes I feel like its just because she is there and is trying to calm me down but I don’t know if that sounds crazy I just take comfort in her spirit

My other (living) grandma, I feel guilt that I am not spending more time with her but I don’t care as passionately for her as I did my other grandma and she always makes snarky remarks and its really hard to communicate and stuff with her. But she is top priority on my list to reconnect with

My sister, I run to her on my really bad days and she has saved my life without knowing it many times by just being available to sit with she and I get along really well but again our relationship feels forced and one sided there are a lot of things that have happened and that I simply think we both point the finger at the other for that I don’t think will ever change.

Do you have a strong group of friends? Do you seem them as much as you’d want? Have they been effected by your anxiety and or depression?

I don’t have a group of friends I can just call up and get together with or even really a single person like that right now and its really killing me, as an adult you cant just accrue those friendships as easily either and I really miss having a solid group of people, I think I have an issue being alone somewhat, while at the same time I literally do not experience anxiety going out in public alone, I have gone to dinners alone, and honestly found it to be enjoyable. So I am not sure exactly where my anxiety gets triggered from being alone, I think its human touch. But also I do not feel comfortable having anyone else touch me whatsoever.

Work Life: I find work work to be somewhat the only positive, while processes and management can be aggravating I find it to be a copiable feel and easily can vent it out. My co workers fill me with lots of laughs and an outlet for good conversation and like mentioned above I feel comfortable with them almost the most right now. I also love my job and feel like if I can make it full time with my upcoming interviews I could be my dream job and its been easier then ever to save money and no long live pay check to pay check

Faith, Meaning, Expansion Becoming more zen and more in tune with the world is becoming really important to me I always resonated with higher vibrations and I want to start tuning into those more, times when I did I was happiest, most healthy and least manic. I have been meditating every day and spending tons of time thinking and writing and creating when I can, becoming healthier physically emotionally and spiritually is something I’m trying to take in strides but one day at a time. But I want to learn more about energies and crystals as cliche as it sound and surround myself with healing energies.

What moves me? What are things I am passionate about?

I am moved by success, I find it fulfilling to explore and to see others explore, I want to always take joy in others accomplish really cool things and go really cool places, sometimes my jealousy and my own self has held me back from doing the things I always hoped I would be doing in my 20’s and I really am hoping to start getting out and seeing the world more now that I am not in a relationship. I also am passionate about weed and find it so interesting to learn about and have expanded my knowledge so much and I am using that as drive to grow in my current job because I do have the potential and that would make me happy. Also having money and the freedoms this job could give me to travel are huge.

Physical health:I walk a lot while getting to and from work I find joy in it and have noticed as I walk up certain hills that used to make me extremely winded I am able to glide up them. I have always be fairly athletic and happy with my body because of it and it is easy to remain and become toned which is another goal, possible plan to get into lifting eventually or join a crossfire gym.

Eating habits: it really varies I was over eating one week and this week I have found it very hard to acquire and appetite or motivation to cook meals, the week before this I bought Tupperware though made meals for the whole week stuck to it and was eating fairly healthy which is a new habit for me since leaving my relationship, we ate out a lot and I was much more willing to just grab a quick bite when I had her to share it with.

Substance Use: I used to have a huge issue with drinking and I ended up basically going to jail because I was so drunk and out of control and currently have a non-conditional probation, but since then I have spent 3-4 months being completely sober and then slowly started wanting to drink more and a lot of problems between my ex spiraled from that. She wouldn’t allow me to drink at all and it wasn’t even that I wanted to so badly, I just wasn’t going to be told that I couldn’t and especially since I know I have a hold on myself while drinking, I fought her on it and lied to her and would betray her trust, but I just never thought it was necessary anymore like she did, I enjoy drinking every so often and think that it is okay but could never come out on the top of that conversation with her.

Sleep I normally spend my nights trying to become as tired as possible so I can fall asleep without thinking about missing Erin, I have terrible ptsd/sleep paralysis/intense anxiety around my dreams and I just really loved having her to wake up next to I slept so well next to her I felt so whole when I would get to hold her in my arms. I miss that I wake up EVERY night at 5-6 am and I cannot get back to sleep even though I could just try and go to work I lay in bed for hours trying to find motivation. My bedroom has become my sanctuary.

Recreation, Relaxation, What do you like doing tn your free time:? I love going out and enjoying social environments and doing activities with lots of laughing and good times, I love going outside and just enjoying nature like hiking can be cool but even just sitting at the beach and looking out at a really nice view. I spend a lot of time on my phone to relax and occupy my mind. I want to travel more and go places I have never been more.

I am trying to not stress myself out and cause panic though so I am really staying in a lot and when I go out its normally just myself or its somewhere where I am free to leave whenever I please without feeling bad.

GOALS FOR 7 WEEKS

Feel less anxious and depressed

Have the ability to go to Erin with some change and hope it helps or the ability to find a way to move on more effectively

Feel more comfortable going out and finding people I am comfortable with besides co-workers that can commit time to me

Become lighter and less suicidal on my bad days

Feel more comfortable in general with my life the way it is/going to be now.

Reminder for this week:

Review goals

Use reminders in calendar Remind self of goals

Log your time in Daily activities form

[selfcompassion88]

9.5.19

I stress-eat, so badly some times. The only difficult circumstance in which I don’t is when I’m heartbroken. It’s almost been a month since he left. I’m not hurt or angry, I don’t miss him and I don’t want him back. But him leaving me has brought to the surface so much insecurity that I’ve never acknowledged before. So before dating my life was mediocre. I didn’t really know what I wanted in life, what I liked, my passion, my hobbies, etc. I instinctively grew up thinking “Right, when you finish high school, you go to uni. You pick the course that suits you best and you study it for three years until you graduate and then you can worry about all your passions and hobbies later.” Uni was my thing. I didn’t think I was good at anything else, I had no desire to pursue anything else not because I didn’t want to but because I literally just never thought about what I would do if i didn’t go to uni. Nobody prepared me for all the “what ifs” in life like ‘what if I don’t like uni?’, ‘what if I don’t like my course?’, ‘what if I want to work instead to earn money?’, ‘what if there’s something I like that I can’t fulfill at uni?’, etc. It’s not anyone’s fault that nobody prepared me for all these uncertain thoughts about my future, but I will say that I wish the people around me could have prepared me more in regards to having a back-up plan if this whole uni thing didn’t work out. Anyway (I go off topic so much haha but at least I don’t have to feel annoyed about it because this is for my eyes only. Don’t have to burden my friends or family with my long-winded story) after the break-up, even though I never became attached or reliant on him, it was difficult to remember and to go back to the time where he wasn’t in my life. During the break-up recovery I was like “ok. I only knew him for three months, shouldn’t be hard to get back to my life before he entered. Surely I can be happy again like how I was before I met him”. But damn. That was the issue, before I met him I was never happy. I wasn’t sad and I didn’t hate my life but man looking back on it now I was just getting by and scraping through. There was no passion in what I was doing. He made getting by a little more bearable. He showed me what real happiness could look like and how it feels to genuinely live a fulfilling life. And so after he left, damn did I go through a painful period of reflection. What do I like? Who am I? Why am I doing what I’m doing? The hurt was so much more than rejection and wondering why I wasn’t good enough. It tied in with the questioning of why I can’t go back to who I was prior to the break-up and what’s preventing me from doing what I’ve been doing for the past 19 years. Shit. You really do have to go through such crappy experiences in order to unfold hidden predicaments in your life. Even writing this annoys me because I don’t have an exact reason as to why I started realising all this now. What I do know and that I’m certain about is that I’m not making all my current decisions because of one heartbreak. I know better than to let a boy ruin my future. I think it ending made me realise a lot of things I’m unhappy about in my life because him leaving made me realise that he was one of my main sources of happiness. He showed me how it felt to TRULY be happy. When I tried to direct my happiness elsewhere I couldn’t pinpoint where else I might find it. I never just wanna get by in life and rely on something uncertain and that’s out of my control to provide me with bursts of bliss when I can have it every second of of my life by doing something I enjoy. I’ve been good with my eating for the three weeks since it’s happened. Lost weight, kept up with assignments and all whilst I was trying to mend my broken heart. So since last week I've decided that it won't hurt to get off the rails for a bit, eat whatever I want and to my heart's content. This thinking prevented me from feeling guilty for eating whatever I want and so therefore I ate comfortably and thought I'd be able to stop whenever I chose to. However, it kept going. I thought I'd stop 4 days ago but I didn't. At this point I felt fat, I was stressed, I was anxious about my future and so the eating habits kept continuing. I think a big part of why it spiralled out of control today was because I put pressure on myself to go to the gym and if I didn't I felt like I was a failure. In order to get over this week's binge I think it's best if I do go to the gym. Not to burn off what I've eaten and compensate for how bloated I feel but purely just to run off the stress I have relating to everything that's going on. I am going to try to wake up around 7-8am tomorrow, go the gym, do a bit of cardio, take a nice shower, reference all my work, nap if I have time and then get ready for work. I PREFER if after today binge-eating doesn't occur within the next week or so in order to help with my recovery. I believe I'll be okay. Just gotta work through today's issue so I focus on other issues I'm stressed about. But just reminding myself that I've been through 2-6 weeks of eating like shit and have eventually gotten back to my pre-binge weight so a one week slip up will not ruin any progress. It might slow it down but it won't get rid of it entirely :)

[wayneooverton]

Burnouts, breakdowns and that pesky work/life balance

Last year I bit off more than I could chew with travel. I said yes to too much. In fact, I said yes to almost everything, because isn’t that what we are told we are supposed to be like?

If I had a few days break in my calendar, I’d take on more work. If I had a few weeks, I’d book a trip somewhere. In 2017 I took almost 100 flights around the world. Sometimes I would literally go to a different country, do a job, fly back to New Zealand, come home for a day, and then fly off again somewhere else. It doesn’t take a genius to say that’s not exactly a sustainable lifestyle, and here I am eight years into this blogging thing acting like it’s year one.

We live in a world that idolizes being busy, that you can always being doing more, and I fucking can’t stand it. I’m over it. I want time for myself again.

Is that so selfish?

Don’t get me wrong, I’m so grateful for this world I’ve built for myself as a professional travel blogger, but I finally realized a few months ago that I couldn’t keep up with my own life.

My situation had become unbalanced. Travel didn’t excite me anymore. Stress was my constant companion. The pressure to be successful, to be creative all the time, and stay ahead of the game had been eating me alive.

Without even being aware of it, I quickly was slipping into deep unhappiness, along with some very unhealthy routines. By the end of September, I was just really unpleasant to be around. The littlest things would set me off, I’d get really nervous about normal things like flights or meetings, and I’d freak out over stuff that didn’t matter. Change upset me.

I was becoming bitter and negative. And just plain grumpy. Instead of responding to with excitement to things, I would only see the downsides. I used to always hate people who would react negatively to things or focusing on what could go wrong, and I had gone and become one of them!

A routine trip in October sent me spiraling rapidly towards a total breakdown, something I didn’t realize at the time. And then I stopped sleeping. Like I went 3 and half weeks with no sleep. Yes, it’s possible and yes, it’s literally the worst thing ever.

I’ll preface this by saying I’ve always been a really shitty sleeper. I am not quite sure how I got that way, but I imagine my crazy lifestyle of sleeping in different beds all the time, constantly changing timezones, with crazy work hours and an insane caffeine addiction thrown in for good measure over several years might have had something to do with it. I could fall asleep straight away but would wake up after a few hours and never get back to sleep.

On my travels it was getting harder and harder to get up in the morning. Until that point, I literally couldn’t remember the last time I slept a whole night straight without waking up. Unless I was heavily drugged.

About mid-way through last year I started to see different doctors about my sleep issues, usually resulting in being subscribed some kind of strong sleeping pill that I would invariably quickly become addicted to and would knock me out so hard that I would be sluggish for days afterwards, not even being able to drive.

I tried everything, from lavender baths, lavender sprays, melatonin, herbal shit, tons of exercise, yoga, massage, vitamins, less coffee, among many others.

Then I started working on a sleep routine, going to bed at the same time every night, stopping looking at screens hours before bed, finally making up my bed every day (seriously, who has time for that?), changing my diet, cutting out bad stuff like sugar and eating better, having several hours of dedicated “winding down” time before bed. If I woke up, I’d get up, read for a while in the other room, and then try to start the “going to bed” process over again.

Did it work? Nope.

Then I went from sleeping badly to not sleeping at all.

I don’t need to tell you guys that getting no sleep over long periods of time is just terrible. And even when I was so tired I couldn’t see straight, I STILL couldn’t sleep. It was the worst.

It didn’t take long for me to go slip towards the unhinged and have a bit of a breakdown. And no, not like a Britney-style-shave-my-head-in-public kind of breakdown, mine was far less exciting and boring in comparison. I was deep in a some burnouts.

The lack of sleep caused me so much stress that I couldn’t even brush my hair because my scalp and skin hurt so much from tension,  and I would get multiple migraines a week that only remedial physio and massage could alleviate. My body physically was in pain constantly from the stress of everything. Somedays I wouldn’t be able to move my head and I’d lose feeling in my feet or hands and my stomach constantly hurt.

Day in and out, I almost stopped being able to function, slipping into a zombie-like state for most of the day. I would have panic attacks and feel like I was going to faint; I’d cry uncontrollably at night after hours of trying to get to sleep unsuccessfully shifting between being hot and cold. I’d even start to drift to sleep and jerk awake frozen in a panic convinced someone was in my house to kill me. I wouldn’t be able to nap during the day but couldn’t get my eyes to focus on anything or even read. I snapped at everyone and was a huge bitch. I’d pick fights with my best friends for no reason.

Who was this person I had become?

After weeks and weeks of trying to convince myself that tonight would be the night I’d get some sleep and then failing, I finally found a different doctor who I connected with and who was interested in actually finding the cause of my insomnia. She was great, quickly diagnosing me with severe anxiety, among other goodies. My sleep was also being impacted my a shoulder injury from earlier last year along with some delightful nose problems I’ve been ignoring since college, a perfect cocktail for insomnia and sleep apnea.

But until she uttered the word “anxiety” it hadn’t even occurred to me that this might be an issue with me.

I was a really problematic kid and was forced into a lot of therapy that I hated as a preteen, and since I’ve grown up, I’ve really worked hard and prided myself on just generally keeping my shit together and being in charge. I’ve had ups and downs over the years like everyone. To spiral like this was really new for me and after failing to pull myself together, I realized I did, in fact, need some help.

I polled in on Instagram Stories to see who else had sleep problems, and thousands of you guys replied with the results being an even fifty – fifty. Obviously it goes without saying that I hate all of you who sleep all night long anywhere without any issue. WHAT’S IT LIKE?! But also it was some weird kind of solace to know that I am not alone in this, that a lot of us are in the same boat.

Not to mention a surprising number of you replied telling me to smoke weed. I feel like we are closer, and I know you all better than ever haha.

Forgoing heavy duty sleeping pills for anxiety meds, I’ve been working hard to get my sleep issues back under control. Whether my anxiety caused my insomnia or vice-versa, or a bit of both, who knows.

I’m not a psychiatrist or anything but I do know myself better than anyone else, and I think if anything last year taught me that I had very easily let myself be overwhelmed with stress and become unbalanced with my work and blogging. Obviously, not a good place to be, and not a place I wanted to be in ever again.

I didn’t quit my job to blog and travel full time to hate it or be unhappy. I suppose in some ways subconsciously I was feeling like I need to say yes to all the trips and events, worried that one day things might be different or feeling a need to feel grateful for this life all the time. Like I had to take advantage while I could or something. But the reality was that I was doing too much.

I was burnt out on my own dreams.

I couldn’t sustain the life I had been living, it was too intense with too much stress for one person to manage. I was overwhelmed. I needed to find time for myself again, time away from computers, work, photography and even traveling, in a way.

I needed to find some balance in my life again.

The scales had become to far tipped in one direction, only focusing on work and success, while personal happiness, and the little things we do for ourselves, even my friends and family, had taken a back-burner in importance. Not cool, Liz.

I never put a hold on or checked my stress, rather just telling myself, yup, you can do this, taking on more and more and more, never stopping, never breathing. By the time I stopped sleeping, I felt like I was drowning. While I could pull myself together publicly when I needed to, it was getting harder and harder.

In some ways I often wonder if my very profound insomnia was my body screaming at me to pay attention and get my shit together. Along with seeing sleep specialists (who, to be honest, I’m still really cynical about) and being on anxiety meds, I’ve also have been focusing my energy on establishing routine and balance back into my life.

I used to never have proper work/life boundaries; I basically never stopped working, ever.

Now I wake up, put on a podcast, and spend half an hour or so making coffee, waking up, sitting outside, ect before beginning my day. I stop working at normal hours, like 5 or 6 in the afternoon, making time to meet up with friends, go for long runs or hikes, swim in the lake, and have a few hours decompressing before bed. No more working til 2am.

I bought Netflix for the first time, and I’ll start watching TV or episodes, something I literally never did before. It sounds stupid to write this all down but for me, I needed to establish a normal routine again. I get facials and manicures just for the hell of it, and reminder to look after myself and a little pampering makes you feel good.

I’ve also been making some big changes on the blog that you might not have noticed yet. I’m still figuring it all out but I’ve finally accepted that I can’t keep doing everything myself, and to be honest, I don’t want to. I’m exhausted in more ways than one.

I’ve been working on building a team of my badass women friends to help me run the blog moving forward and to take some of the weight off my back, in all sorts of ways, for helping with partnerships to boring admin tasks, to taking on expert guest writers in areas that I really want more content on. I’m even going to cut back on how much travel I do moving forward, focusing on only a few major trips that excite me,  in the hopes of freeing up more time for me to work on more creative ventures, charities here, and on projects on here that I really want to do that I just haven’t had time for. Oh, and finish my first book!

Oh, and I also want FREE TIME TO DO ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! There, I admit it – I’m shouting it for the world to hear. I want time all to myself to just be lazy and not be busy with stuff. To think about things again and also think about sweet fuck all.

It’s like Liz 2.0.

It’s been a hard lesson to learn but I’ve realized rather painfully that I’ve got to look after myself first and foremost, and being constantly busy isn’t good for you, no matter what people say.

It’s been a few months now since everything crashed for me, and I really struggled with publicly admitting my anxiety on here for the first time, feeling like its a real weakness or afraid of being judged. I know that other people are probably in the same boat, especially women, and I know there are a lot of people out there dealing with far worse shit than my anxieties, another reason I’ve held back from sharing this.

But I can’t be the only one that feels there’s a real stigma still around mental health these days, and admitting something like crippling anxiety feels like somehow I wasn’t strong anymore or even worse, that I was a failure. But really, what’s so wrong with NOT being able to do it all?

Perhaps one of the most important things I’ve changed is working on just being a little bit nicer to myself. Instead of focusing on what I could be doing better, focusing on staying positive and being proud of what I’ve already done. I think we could all do with a little more kindness, don’t you?

The road uphill hasn’t been easy, and I’ve slipped off the bandwagon more than once, like having a week of no sleep a few weeks in to the occasional midnight Dominos pizza and wine binge (I mean seriously, there are only so many green smoothies a girl can fucking take). And while my sleep schedule isn’t perfect, it’s definitely a very big step up from where it was a few months ago.

But it’s only really in the past few weeks I’ve noticed that my personality is getting back to normal, where something that used to stress me out doesn’t even bother me anymore, and I that I’m back to being much more relaxed and laid back, and that I’m happier. I’ve just come home from a month traveling again and didn’t fly off the rails. Not to mention I’ve had more than one random acquaintance even say to me that I’m shiny and glowing once again, whatever the hell that means. Disclosure – I’m NOT pregnant.

So what’s the point with all my rambling here? I dunno actually. I suppose to just share with all that life is messy and complicated, and don’t be afraid to not be busy and ask for help when you really need it. I’d like to think there’s strength in admitting your problems in an effort to become stronger down the road.

And I’m really looking forward to being really inspired again!

What do you think? Share below!

The post Burnouts, breakdowns and that pesky work/life balance appeared first on Young Adventuress.

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[emmaundertheblossomtree]

Tag. You’re it !

I’m tagging @rainbow-slammer @iheardyoulikesnk @zorassapphire

Star Sign: Pieces

Height: not sure, but very smol girl

Put your Music on shuffle. What are the first 6 Songs that popped up?

Union City Blue - Blondie , Give It Up - KC & The Sunshine Band , Bad Romance - Lady Ga Ga , Brown Eyes - Lady Ga Ga , I Will Always Love You - Dolly Parton , The Dreaming - Kate Bush 

Grab the Book nearest to you and turn to page 23. What’s line 17?

its a kanji learning book so unfortunately ... there are no lines 

Ever had a Poem or Song written about you?: 

Not that i’m aware of .

When was the last time you played Air Guitar?: 

Possibly 5 minutes ago

Who is your Celebrity Crush?:

ngl I don’t really have one. God I sound like such a 5 year old there.

What’s a Sound you hate? How about love?: 

I think a sound I hate is police / ambulance sirens. They’re just too damn loud for the smol’s ears. However I sound I love is my cats when they are in a giddy mood. It’s the best thing ever.

Do you drive? If so, have you ever crashed?: 

In the UK I have a provisional licence however I can’t drive yet and have to this date not had driving lessons as last year I was in a hit and run car crash really close to my home. Due to it being close to were I live I chose not to drive yet with idiots like the person who caused the accident on the road near where I live. However I may start learning in spring next year :3

Last Book you read: 

The book ‘El coronel no tiene quien le escriba’ its a book I have to read for my spanish literature.

Do you like the smell of petrol?: 

OMFG YAS. Sometimes I even roll down the car windows if i’m in a petrol station so I can smell it.

What was the last movie you saw?: not 100% sure . It could possibly be ‘When Marnie was there’ but that was all the way back in august my bros.

What’s the worst injury you’ve ever had?: 

Probably last month during ice skating rehearsals when I fell on an already badly bruised knee whilst doing a catch foot spiral on the ice. Lets just say I've not been doing them as much since. 

Do you have any obsessions right now?:

Hmm... the usual’ Ice Skating , SNK , Osomatsu san , Jojo. Oh wait! For some reason pasta has been a big obsession for me this month.

Do you tend to hold Grudges against anyone who’s done you wrong?: 

definitely. I always try my best to be positive and polite to people so when all of a sudden people are rude to me or don’t respect me in the same way It annoys me a lot.

In a relationship?: Single. I am literally a plant 

[alllthingsme]

A note you'll probably never read.

I haven't posted on here in a while. Mainly because of so many changes happening with moving to nyc and starting grad school. But sometimes on nights like these, it feels nice to write out what I'm feeling. To certain people even. Knowing they will probably never read it but atleast knowing its out there should they one day stumble upon it...

It's been almost a year now since my ex left me. And it was a really rough breakup for me. Already dealing with and trying to find the best treatment for my anxiety and depression, I put a lot of strain on my ex that he didn't deserve. I'm not going to pretend he didn't have his faults in the relationship because he certainly did and I'm sure he would still agree to that. But even after the breakup I just fell apart. I lost control and had a total breakdown. I harassed him. Texted and called him incessantly because I was terrified of being abandoned.... Again. I know now had I just given him the time and respected the distance he needed, the outcome may have very well been different. But you know what they say. Hindsight is 20/20. And now there's nothing I can do to change the person I ruined. And though that person was myself I'm a lot of ways, the person I really destroyed was my ex. I, being the damaged and broken (still am, but you know shatter a plate a few times and you'll never put it all back together) person that I was (am) I brought down another human being. Someone I love and care immensely about. Someone who literally and I mean LITERALLY put their entire life on hold for me. And I am so ashamed of myself for everything that I did.

This past year I've been through a lot. And had to admit things and discover things about myself that I'm really not proud of. I fell into a major depressive episode. I had panic attacks daily. I wasn't eating. I didn't sleep for 8 nights straight. I missed several days of work.Had panic attacks at work and had to be relieved so that I could go home. I was literally on a very dangerous and terrifying path to a mental breakdown. One I ultimately ended up having the night I attempted to take my own life. Thankfully my roommate came home and found me, but I hardly remember that now. It took months to recover and I still haven't. (Clearly I'm writing in my blog at 3 in the morning almost a year after he dumped my sorry ass) I ended up seeing a counselor for a while before I moved and discovered a lot about my mental health. More precisely my diagnosis. I also had several visits to my primary care physician to trial and error about 6 different psychiatric drugs before finding the combination and cocktail if you will that has worked most effectively. (The one I'm on now... One mood stabilizer, one antidepressant, and one sedative later and here we are--- all better right?) that in itself was truly draining and exhausting. Switching and weaning off one med and on to another. Going from one side effect to others. I have never felt so emotionally drained as I did when I was trying to find the right medicine.

However, more importantly I began to really understand why I was feeling and acting and behaving the way that I was. I later came to find out that along with my anxiety and depression I have a borderline personality disorder. Which didn't surprise me because it's hereditary and my grandmother had it as well. Including the others. But with it I finally found the answer to the irrational and terrifying behaviors I hardly remember or have an recollection of doing. On the night I attempted suicide, I got off work and drove (hysterically crying and having a panic attack) to my exes house calling him on the way and begging him to talk to me and see me. And to this day I don't remember driving there or back. I don't remember getting home. I don't remember doing any of it. I remember parts of it as if I were watching someone else do it. But not as myself. I remember feeling like I was watching myself open the bottle of trazadone and throwing back a few thousand milligrams. I remember it as if I were watching a movie. a bystander screaming at me to stop. Like I had lost all control of my own body. I guess I heard myself screaming though because that's when I immediately stuck my finger down my throat to try and throw up every pill I had swallowed. I began to vomit and dropped the rest of the bottle in the toilet before passing out from hypervenalting in the bathroom floor.

To this day it remains one of the most hauntingly terrifying moments of my entire life and I don't even remember it as if it happened to me. I remember it as if I were watching it happen to someone else. Which I would later understand to be symptom of a dissociative personality disorder. Also a symptom of BPD which now all makes sense. Dissociation occurs when your mind separates itself from your physical being and detaches from reality. It's a coping mechanism used by people who undergo serious trauma in life. As a way to protect themselves by detaching from the moment and seeing the events unfold from a third person perspective so as to not be the direct victim. Given my childhood emotional, physical and sexual abuse... I guess that now all makes sense. It's something I later realized I experienced during my severe panic attacks. A loss of control. Impulsive and obsessive behavior free to inhabit my body while I was temporarily "out for lunch- be back when the trauma is over".

It's truly terrifying to experience and also quite shameful. It has caused a lot of havoc in my life and made me realize how much I am to blame for so many fights and arguments. And breakups. Abandonments. Which brings me to the real point of this post- acknowledging the role I played in tearing apart the relationship I lay here at 3:30 in the morning crying over despite the fact that it ended a year ago.

I was controlling. Manipulative and just all around a really shitty boyfriend. I have/had deep rooted insecurities that constantly made me feel as if I wasn't good enough or that I was going to be left or abandoned again (guess I was right). I constantly feared he would find someone better or realize that he already had it with his best friend and didn't need me anymore.

Because of that, I ruined everything. I ruined me. Us. And him... Him. I did that. This man put his life on hold for me. Put off his dream of moving to New York so that he could stay behind and be with me. Take care of me and start a relationship with me. He did all of that for me and I was too fucking blind to see it. Though I wanted to support and push him to move he wouldn't. He stayed for me and then when everything fell apart, I left. He slipped up and made stupid decisions to which he is now suffering from... He lost his security. His apartment in Manhattan. He lost his way and it was and is... All my fault. And I am so torn up about it because everyday I just want to drive down, throw his shit in the car and drive him up here where he belongs and I can't. There's nothing I can do now. He won't talk to me. He won't answer me. He wants absolutely nothing to do with me to the point that I can't even reach out to him without the fear of being charged with harassment. I failed him. And us and I dropped all the pieces of our relationship into his lap and expected him to fix it all without ever taking 2 seconds to think about him and what he needed.

He later confessed that he never felt like he could share anything with me because I always changed the subject to myself. I used to hate that he wouldn't open up to me because it made me feel like he didn't care enough to. I could feel him drifting apart in the final months. He got less intimate. He stopped caring as much. He wouldn't hold me in bed. He wouldn't kiss me as long or hug me as hard. I slowly felt him slipping through the cracks of my fingers like sand, without ever once trying to tighten my grip and take initiative to turn things around. Instead, I made them worse. And continued doing so after he left.

Now. I'm in grad school. I'm in way over my head with a double masters program at a prestigious world renowned university that I am terrified I'll fail out of. Living in a city I love without the one who made me fall in love with it. 500 miles away from a man I haven't seen in months but still find myself crying over at 3:30 in the morning on a Saturday night. And on top of that, he is stuck in the shit hole town I handcuffed him to and feeling like a complete failure because of my Bullshit.

I posted something a while back out of anger. That I never should have said. Let alone post. I called him out. On everything. The mistakes he'd made. The mistakes I had made but had blamed on him. I called him names I never meant. And worst of all. I called him a failure for not moving away and making it to the city. A dream he's had for years. A dream he put on hold, to be there and support me while I chased after mine. And I called him a failure for that.... Yeah. No wonder he doesn't want anything to do with me. I don't blame him. And while he didn't know it at the time, I posted it to my blog but not publicly. It was a private post I had written just to vent. Which was suppose to be the extent of it until I spiraled into a rage of anger and sadness that led to me sending him the post directly via email. I don't know why I did it. I don't know why I wanted to hurt him that way. Because he didn't and never deserved it.

He doesn't know it but every now and then I lose what little self control I've developed and scroll through his tumblr. Often times just to see how his mood is that day and if he seems to be okay. Because I worry about him so much. Even still today. Sometimes there will be a post with a hash tag or comment that I almost guarantee Is about me. Sometimes I wonder if he knows I do it and post certain things on purpose. Who knows?

I guess part of me secretly hopes he does the same. And that one day he'll stumble across this post and read it and see the apology I so badly want to give him in person. An apology for so many things that I'd never deserve forgiveness for but would love the opportunity to atleast tell him. For the way that I acted both during. And after our relationship. The way I handled it. The breakup. The way I failed to respect him afterwards and give him space and time. The way I didn't listen. The way I selfishly did what I wanted with out ever thinking about how it would affect him or what he specifically wanted. I've since tried to do those things. I've accepted and acknowledged the fact that I'll probably never hear or see from him again. And never get the chance to say I'm sorry the way he deserves. Not that any amount of apology can make up for the turmoil and emotional damage I have caused. And not that I even deserve the chance to apologize. But maybe one day? Right. Probably not but I can't help but hang on to a little part of me that hopes I'm wrong.

Tyler, If you ever read this I want you to know that I am sorry. Truly and gunienly sorry for everything. I had something extraordinary right in front of me and I took it for granted. I lost site of what I had and I let it get away from me. I was emotionally abusive and will never forgive myself for the pain that I caused. I want you to know that I blame myself every day for the fact that you aren't where you wanted to be In life right now. Had it not been for me, I know you'd be in New York right now. Probably with some man who would have made you twice as happy as I ever could have and chasing your dream and your career. I know it doesn't do any good to say these things now but I want you to know that I am sorry I derailed your train.

But I know you enough to know that despite your fears, your hesitations, you'll find a way. You will make it out of Radford. You will move To new York. You'll slowly but surely work your way towards every dream you've ever had. You'll meet some great guy along the way and he will be truly blessed to have you. I just hope he knows that and doesn't make the same mistakes that I did. I hope the road gets easier for you. I hope you start to realize the beauty and worth in yourself that so many other people do. Because you deserve it more than anyone. You are more than meets the surface and although our journey together didn't last, I'm so glad that I met you and that you took me on it. Meeting you was one of the best things to ever happen to me and is a big part of why I am where I am today. And I'll never be able to thank you or give that back to you like you deserve. But for now I'll continue to think of you every time I pass a "2 bros pizza". When I'm sitting at the bar and look out the window. I'll remember shivering in front of you when you took me outside and told me you loved me for the first time. When I go to boxers, I'll remember you taking me there. Everytime I past Amsterdam, I'll think of you. When I get off the Turnpike and see the toll lane for "ticket" customers, I'll remember how you accidentally drove into a booth that was closed and had no one to hand your ticket to. I'll remember all of those things as I live here to constantly remind myself that you are what drove me to chase my dreams here. And the Hopeless romantic in me will always hope that one day, after you've moved up here, we will run into each other on the subway or downtown somewhere and we can try to work through our past. The Hopeless Romantic in me hopes we can one day work through it all and rebuild a life together because nothing would make me happier than the chance to give you back what you deserve.

I know realistically that will probably never happen but for you it will with someone else and they will be truly blessed and lucky to have you. I hope you know that I never meant to hurt you. I know you don't want to hear from me so I'll continue to keep my distance but just know that even still today...

I love you.