#it was literally his old manager there that he has beef w

[filmcel]

anytime someone talks about him to me my skin crawls and it’s not bc they’re mentioning him it’s bc his nickname is genuinely dumb and ugly as shit 😭

[bigdumbbambieyes]

okay, hear me out. S3 rewrite with Billy in Robin’s role while the Mindflayer makes Neil it’s host.

like, picture it for a sec: we’d get the Billy-Steve friendship we deserved, we’d have an actual human antagonist who was shown to be canonically abusive and controlling in S2, and Billy could be a reluctant (but important) addition to The Party for S4. he’s the brawn and brains that they need.

things to consider:

we’d get Steve and Billy in matching Scoops Ahoy uniforms. maybe they both applied as lifeguards but had a fight in front of the manager so they both didn’t get the position, and they applied everywhere in Starcourt once it opened and surprise!! they were both hired at Scoops and now they have to get along or else they’ll be broke the whole summer!

Billy watching in amusement as Steve fails to hook up with girls, maybe he even makes the same scoreboard. there also wouldn’t be a need to have the moms lusting over Billy bc he has no reason to meet Karen at the motel - no predatory behaviour from her in this timeline!!

imagine the banter. billy would have something to say to everyone and it would be so funny, especially between he and Max. give me one proper sibling fight please!

while a coming out scene would be great for Billy, and i would love to see Steve react to that (like, his reaction to a gay woman he had a crush on would be sooo different from a gay man he used to beef with, let’s be real), i also want more depth from Billy since he’s not flayed and El wouldn’t be looking into his past for us. so maybe instead of a coming out scene, they talk about the fight at the Byers’ during the bathroom scene. we get a glimpse into Billy’s carefully guarded emotions (maybe even his relationship w his dad) and both Steve and Billy get to move on from that night. closure and moving on from it together as newfound friends!

Billy could be shown that he is actually a smart cookie and cracks the Russian’s code (with Steve’s help). Dustin and Steve are impressed and Dustin begins to warm up to Billy a little.

new Scoops Troop!! Billy and Steve and Dustin dynamic omg. and Erica and Billy?? imagine she kinda confronts him about what happened with him and Lucas in S2, so she’s uncertain of him bc of that, but now Billy has the chance to make things right and clear up misunderstandings. and in this timeline, he apologizes to Lucas. because Lucas deserves that so. much. and Billy should have the chance to become a better person like Steve did. and maybe Lucas doesn’t forgive him, which is justified bc he doesn’t have to forgive him at all, but he gets the apology he deserves at the very least.

Steve and Billy getting tortured together oof. that would hit hard bc imagine Billy is being punched and slapped and he’s just laughing and taunting and Steve’s like wtf. it would be a great set up for the bathroom scene - like ‘why were you laughing while we were being literally tortured??’

Billy getting to see Steve draw a charge during his ‘fight’ with the Russian soldier and being proud of him, clapping him on the back with a grin while Steve gives him a shy smile. perhaps even…a meaningful, lingering look?? a spark between them??

also Steve and Billy high as fuck together lol i just want that so bad, please!!

and while Billy is with the Scoops Troop, The Party is focused on Neil. it would be a great chance to see Max’s relationship with her step father and she notices how weird he’s being. he’s nicer to Susan, even nicer to her, but then her mom starts acting weird, too. and when she finally meets up with Billy at Starcourt when the Mindflayer manifests, they discuss everything and Billy is conflicted. he’s happy that his old man is finally getting what’s been coming to him all these years, but that’s still his dad. it’s complicated but not really touched upon but implied. (and i think that would also be a great set up for S4. he gets those weird feelings in S4, thinking ‘i wanted him to die’ but also feeling guilt because his relationship with his father is so twisted from years of abuse).

we could explore Neil’s past a bit with this timeline, too. we could get a glimpse of why he is the way he is, like we did with Billy. El could see the abuse he put Billy and his mom through. she sympathizes with Billy, but she also sees how Neil was abused, too, and feels this empathy for him. which is how she brings him out of the possession, because El is empathetic by nature, under all that anger and naivety. she knows what it’s like to abuse and be abused and want to be better than those who hurt her. and when Neil does break through, he is killed just like Billy was in S3, and Billy runs over once his dad flops to the ground. Neil grits out ‘i’m sorry’ but Billy doesn’t say anything, doesn’t forgive him. he doesn’t even cry. he just…stares, looking like the lost little boy he’s always been. and Max finally runs over to pull her brother up, to drag them both away from Neil, and Billy can’t look away from his dad’s body until it’s finally out of sight.

and ofc the season ends with Steve and Billy both working at Family Video!! with Neil and Susan gone (she would’ve been part of the MF’s army), it’s just Billy and Max now, living in that trailer. that would be such an interesting dynamic to write for S4.

anyways that’s all!! that’s my silly rewrite. Billy deserved to have a support system and a real relationship with his sister and a boy his age and it could’ve been done in S3. 🤍

[woozi]

the thirst tweets yza 😭😭😭 i cannot. as much as fun this was, we were so close to getting jaebs with cats <//3

headlocking sk 😭😭 DJJDSKSK i would stand there like wonu clapping in the soop, for you <3. it's hindi ( actually it's my 2nd language but i speak in it the most w ppl outside of family djdjdjk ) my mother tongue is almost dwording djdjdkdk </3 i think im last gen who still speaks it, kids these days only know hindi or english.

ALSO!!! the footwork in senses choreo???? i liked it sm <3 yugyeom makes it look so easy to move like that?!?

same jdjdkddk godddd sometimes it takes a month to complete a drama which i like and started on my own will and sometimes it only takes 3 days. it doesn't matter how much i love something if i won't watch it, then I won't watch or consume it at all 💀.

ohhh, i've known jamie as an after school club mc first and singer second. like there was this time i was suddenly obsessed w eric nam's before we begin album i think around that time i first listened to one or two songs of jamie ( it was all spotify's doing jddjks) but then i forgot abt both and went back to listening to my regular ones. honestly i feel like i've gotten to know and appreciate jype artists ( those i know ) more, only after they've changed agencies it could just be me or my timing tho djdjdjh. have you listened to hanbin's solo album? honestly it's been no.1 album from 1st half of 2021 for me. i was not even looking forward to it or even knew djdjsk but i'm so glad i did i really like the songs & lyrics.

almost whatever jackson has released after mirrors has been to my taste leaving few bsides here and there. i love lmly <3 idk why for some reason i tend to mix pretty please and lmly up a lot djdjsk maybe it's bc of white tee and jeans. both mvs concept and songs are fantastic but if i have to pick one w/ mv & only considering the song, i do love lmly a little bit more then pretty please. wbu? <3

mark kept saying ' when we go back ' during the live so i got more confused each time, went on twt and got to know djdjdk. twt list of both svt & got7 of update accounts is like my newspaper, in free time i open it to see what is going on, sometimes jdjddk.

and of course i know abt woozi's cover <3 i've listened to it a lot jdjdksk he's so <//3

i could listen to his voice all day.

there is one cover of 10 cm hoshi dropped last year i like it sm <3 it made me so happy!!, around that i was obsessed with some of 10 cm's songs. help is one of my most favorite.

i really really wish for dokyeom to cover more day6 songs or just any songs </3 would really appreciate one from mr. joshu_acoustic too 😿.

did you see the way dokyeom woke up with a smile on his face in 5th in the sopp ep <//3 he's so precious 😭 (i'll try to link next time idk links go through asks tho djjddj sometimes tumblr eats it up). i don't even know what a smile is for first 2 hours after i've woken up. also i think i like this (sk coming and karaoke one - 5th) ep a lil more bc of that half minute of singer cheol it served us. i need him to sing more omg <//3

the soop song tho it's so sweet 😭💕. i love love how they brainstorm and make songs it's such an interesting process. i love what going seventeen is now but i miss watching the song making & recording process (even rho they do show it in inse after cb but jdjdks). the one where they made gose song, recorded it and made choreo/mv i love. it's still remains as one of my most favorite ep. they compose & write songs so smoothly & make it look so effortless <3

thank you for letting me ramble abt silly little things and responding to them, yza <3 love hanging out w/ you. i hope you're also having fun djjddj (i'll try to keep these short fr 😭 djdkdk i feel a bit bad for making you read so much nonsense :3)

take care of yourself, yza <3 sending good week wishes. - 🪂🪂🪂

I STILL CAN'T BELIEVE I GOT TO SEE JAEBEOM READ THIRST TWEETS BEFORE MY VERY EYES WHICH ALTERNATE AU IS THIS 😭

also mood tbh we could've gotten something like jacks' puppy vid </3

LIKE WONU CLAPPING FJKDJKFDJFD in true infj fashion <3 wait naurr that's so sad </3 do they not teach it in schools?

ALSO YES OH MY GODDDDDDDDD house king show us ur fancy moves <3 as a fellow dancer i am throwing him my shoe rn <3 also i literally have never seen smth like this in kpop how did people fucking sleep on this icb it..

I FULLY RELATE HELLO????????????????? what dramas have u been watching? and which genres are u into? <3 i also just finished vincenzo today it was so good 😭 took me like.. a week, i think (?), though bc svt has SO MUCH content and i dont like being behind on svt shit esp bc i also run an update blog lmaooo 😭

WAIT I FORGOT SHE ALSO DID EMCEEING 😭 she's such a fun person </3 AND ERIC NAM FDKJDFJK i have one-sided beef w him lmao when he was still new to the scene he would reply to everyone's @s but he never replied to me so i felt v .. </3 (also this is what.. 13 year old me speaking so this def does not reflect how i feel abt him now JKJKFJKDFF) i also get that </3 i feel like jype doesn't manage them well (i dont know shit behind the scenes and shit abt the industry in-depth but u know... it Kind Of Shows esp w how the artists themselves speak abt the agency lol). and i have not!! i am truly a svtpoppie 😭 i will though bc u recommended it to me <3 i also have been seeing him frequently on tiktok lol, ALSO BC OF LEE HI!!

honestly i haven't been keeping up w his albums anymore just the title tracks so i cant say much 😭 i also def prefer lmly over pretty please i was actually obsessed w it for a while!! i love jackson's vision so much though, the cinematography is EVERYTHING

literally reading abt what our boys have been up to like reading the morning paper KJDSFKJDSJKSJKD

V GOOD FOR U TO HAVE COME ACROSS THE COVER... I JUST DISCOVERED IT BY ACCIDENT 😭 also i have to agree although i definitely do not want to admit that i am more than willing to listen to some man sing to me all day 😭😭😭😭😭 jihoon's voice is just... different to me for some reason. i have a hard time picking between him & seokmin tbh </3 hbu, who's ur fave svt vocalist?

ALSO YES THAT WAS SO CUTE OF HIM!! AND V ON BRAND TOO </3 the way u listen to 10cm..... im giving u an award rn <3 im guessing you listen to k-indie too?

DK THOUGH... I'M VERY MUCH WILLING TO ADMIT THAT I'D LISTEN TO HIM ALL DAY.... something about him... AND NOT THE JOSHU_ACOUSTIC FJDJFDJKFD 😭😭😭 i hate his username so much- why... WHY...

I DID!!!!!!!!! and i was so surprised too bc.. who wakes up smiling?????? what'd he dream of???????????? he's such a happy person i cant imagine what thats like 😭 the first thing i do when i wake up is make the >:| face JFJKFDKJFD also oh my god i just read that you're experiencing the same thing 😭😭 bestie trait!! KJJKFDKJFD ALSO YOU COULDN'T BE MORE RIGHT?????????? im always campaigning for vocalist coups im SOOO glad u feel the same way <3 his voice is just so comforting to me </3 idk i just really like his timbre

and v true omg i'm always fascinated to see how they actually work all this out!! the bts recording/choreo making vids are also my favorite gfkjdfkjdfj HOW ARE WE SO SIMILAR WE MIGHT AS WELL BE THE SAME PERSON 😭also jihoon in that gose behind vid........... in universe factory............... i still think about that Look from time to time... 😭this is also why i respect the boys sm tbh. everyone in the industry undeniably works so hard but to actually get this much creative freedom and to basically lead the group and their direction music and performance-wise is so insane to me... no wonder jihoon's always in his studio. i couldnt be happier that they get to live off of doing what they like im also so so proud of them they must work so hard <3 esp w all the content they're giving us.. icb it's always like this in caratland im so used to being an ahgase that gets like.... 1 cb a year😭

AND NOOO OMG DON'T BE SORRY I REALLY LOOOVE GETTING UR MESSAGES </3 and i love how lengthy they are makes me feel like ur just not making small talk (i hate small talk sm 😭) and that you're actually interested <3 i genuinely love bonding w u through these little asks i can never thank u enough for sending them <3 i hope ur having a lovely week as well!! u can always talk to me even if it's not kpop related and u just want to talk abt life or when u need some cheering up <3

[tfw-no-tennis]

mtmte liveblog issue 13

humansona time, hell yes

OH MAN I forgot about the stuff w/swerve and blurr oof

that panel of perceptor just saying random equations always kills me vhsdjhfkbjhksdfnka

also I love so much that they call perceptor ‘percy’ that's so cute

I love the implications here that people just Grab minibots and carry them around like luggage bc they are Tiny lmao

ohhhh my god I fuckgin love ‘I'm just wondering if there's time to expand my aura and cleanse the area of aggression’ ‘I...don't think so, drift’ hgbadjfjbaskdfs drift’s hippy nonsense delivered completely seriously pairs hilariously with his whole ‘violent guy with a bunch of swords’ thing lmao

also, IM NEVER OVER CYCLONUS SINGING TO TAILGATE, and also the security team mistaking it for cyclonus murdering tg hbhkjadfbjkhsdf cyclonus u icon

and tg looking at cyclonus all heart-eyes, omg 

drift showing rodimus how to swordfight...fellas.....

rodimus, being entirely ignorant to the irony in calling cyclonus and tailgate’s relationship strange when he and drift are Right There, being weird gay frat bros

did yall know, I love magnus so much. law dad

magnus saying ‘that's not even a word. id have heard of it’ about the word ‘relax’ is so funny god 

rodimus bribing swerve with a bar license to get magnus turnt is hbvhjakdbfhskf

never over rodimus portioning out drifts blood money to the crew for shore leave hubhjsdkhfdbjksd god 

despite tg lying about a good amount of his past, I feel like he rlly DOES see cyclonus as a link to a more familiar time, and that's a large reason why he’s so forgiving toward cyc

mannnn the stuff w/blurr and swerve is so depressing in retrospect. swerve is like, such a depressing character the more you think abt him vbhskjdhfbsk jesus

magnus trying to get in on the convo when swerve starts talking statistics oh magnus

idk what ‘the lube pits’ are but I Really do not want to know

‘the temple of the raging prism’ sounds fuckin bangin tho

I love seeing everyones humansona!! this art style is pretty simple, but I think it looks cute

rungs ‘human name’ being ‘mary sue’ lmaoooooo jro w/the self callout

also skids’ name being blank is a nice touch

still not over tg being a baby....poor guy

whirls humansona is so fuckgin good, also swerve looks like a hobbit

magnus basing his avatar on verity is so sweet ;_; I really should read all the wreckers stuff after I finish this reread

THE ABSOLUTE COMEDY OF MAGNUS JUST FUCKGIN PASSING OUT THE INSTANT THE ALOCHOL HITS...ICONIC

WHY would magnus accept a drink from whirl anyways lmao

tailgate is so cute

they rlly just left magnus facedown on the table and kept drinking huh. the irresponsibility....we love it

ARE YOU SURE THAT KILLMASTER IS DEAD, WHIRL? ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?

rung don't lie, froid is your nemesis

WHY do we never get to hear more about skids’ apparent beef with misfire

rewind calling the swerve/misfire This early, wow

literally Everyone abandoning swerve to deal with magnus hgbvhfjdskdfbhs I fucking love this issue man

GOD I LOVE MAGNUS SO MUCH!!!!!!!! he’s such an interesting and unique character and hhhh I love him and his development

like, he was probably the biggest surprise out of everyone who agreed to go on the quest - ostensibly it was to keep order on the lost light, but it would make sense that magnus would get tired of being the Only one who cares about that sorta stuff on board 

drunk magnus is such a delight oh my god

magnus rlly just wants everyone to be safe :( my daddddd

magnus: I love all my children equally...swerve, rodimus, [looks at smudged writing on hand] dirt

swerve: see, magnus, that’s where you’re wrong - I ALSO have crippling depression!

cant believe they bought rodimus a hat vhbhksdfhahsjkdf

HHHHH GOD I FORGOT ABT THATTTT when cyclonus goes bonkers in order to stop rewind from playing the ark 1 footage and inadvertently outing tailgate as a liar....AUGHHHHH THE FUCKING...THE FUCKING ROMANCE OF IT ALL

POOR MAGNUS LMAOOOO

oh rewind :( you should really wonder a little harder where chromedome is right now...oof

everyone jumping on magnus while he’s passed tf out is SO fucking funny 

RUNG, PLEASE, WE REALLY DONT NEED TO THINK ABOUT WHATS AROUND THE CORNER. REALLY DONT

hhhhhhhhhhh I love how cyclonus sat tailgate down and confronted him about lying, but did it privately and not in front of everyone - and he even saved tg from being exposed as a liar, too. AUGH 

I feel like cyclonus is kinda impressed at how effortlessly tg has managed to lie this whole time, and tbh it IS impressive, especially considering tailgate was basically teleported 6 million years into the future and has no idea how the world works anymore, but was still able to lie convincingly. even cyclonus only realized bc of his own past, and not until now

tailgate ;_; ;_; ;_; 

cyclonus: oh no...im soft

tailgate and cyclonus singing ye olde cybertronian tunes together...OUGHHHH my fucking heart bro mY FUCKING HEART.

on that note: the song ‘to noise making (sing)’ by hozier is literally about cygate. thank u for coming to my ted talk

UGH GOD SWERVE STOP MAKING ME SO SAD, ITS NOT EVEN THE SWEARTH ARC YET

magnus had to like, get the robot equivalent of a stomach pumping after that hvbskdjfbhskdf jesus they really did almost kill him huh

I consider this issue forshadowing bc it makes 100% sense that minimus would be a Mega Lightweight considering he’s like 3 feet tall

the real quest that swerve is participating in is ‘the quest to get friends’ and so far its going pretty badly. poor dude 

godddd the thing that says ‘next: Overlord!’ with a fucking exclamation point I DONT APPRECIATE THAT. 

OHO i forgot abt the canon fanfic at the end of this issue

rung kicking things off with some good ole bodily workings-based dread 

ok but being so awed by the construction of your species’ anatomy that you wanna fall on the floor in amazement? that's a whole ass mood and I do frequently stare at walls for long periods of time, thinking about the marvel that is the human body. so rung is valid 

FROID NAME DROP LMAO. also yet again, are you SURE he’s dead?? are you????

the name ‘froid’ cracked me up almost as much as ‘rigor morphis’ did when I first read this...robot-based science puns! woohoo!

rung rlly b out here thinking abt overlords lips.....

‘forced browsing is not the autobot way’ lmao skids

also fr tailgate defs thinks that whirls actually name is nutjob

the entire segment of cyclonus browsing and everyone watching him and commenting is just. golden

oh no. don't make me think of rewind and his tiny memory sticks that he carries around. I'm NOT READY

magnus’ brutal read on rodimus and the fact that he’s more suited, personality-wise, to wartime than peacetime? oof. love it

I ALSO love that a big part of this issue was magnus admitting, in less direct terms, that HE isn't made for the post-war life either - his strict adherence to the rules and constant vigilance isn't exactly the best mindset for peacetime, for him or the people under his command

magnus’s hatred of metaphors and similes and the like....hvbsdjkfbasjhdf I love him

MAGNUS ILY...he’s trying SO HARD cut him some slack. i think his jokes are. yeah!

oh goody this text used "rodimus’s" so I guess that's canonically correct and I haven't been using grammar incorrectly as I had feared 

rodimus sitting ON his desk and doodling on it...adhd icon

rodimus calling rung a psychotherapist, which was rung’s grounds for a nemesis hvbhjabfdskfnkks

rung: as I'm sure you know I take patient confidentiality VERY seriously

narrator: That Was A Lie 

AUGH this hurts...rung trying to get justice for red alert but rodimus is in on the overlord stuff :( ouch

so issue 13! I fucking love this issue. just some good ole funney space hijinks, with some nice relationship development for tg and cyc - plus a revelation about tailgate - and some characterization for swerve and magnus. plus we get to see humansonas, which is always fun. augh I love this comic, and I am SO not ready for the next few issues, good lord

[sunlightdances]

ONE SHOTS:

SPN Angst Bingo ‘18 Masterlist Dean Headcanons/Bullet point Fics

Newest on top; updated 2/2/2021

Untitled (literally couldn’t think of a title for this lol): PG-13 for swearing She came out of nowhere, knocked him on his ass, and then asked him to apologize. How hard did he hit his head?

Body Language: PG-13 Low blood sugar sucks. Dean’s POV.

Everybody Knows I’m Torn Apart: PG-13 You manage to call Dean a few miles away from the bunker. Despite your injuries, you tell him the basics: you lost too much blood, you need a ride, you’re pretty sure you’re going to pass out soon. His gruff voice over the phone is the last thing you hear before you physically can’t keep your eyes open anymore.

Two Hearts on Fire: PG-13 3 times Dean is there for you and one time you’re able to return the favor.

Stay a Little Longer: PG You let yourself be vulnerable and Dean does too.

You’re an Ocean: PG The never ending push and pull between you and Dean finally comes to an end.

Take My Hand (When You Can’t See the Light): PG-13 (a few swears) Dean plays the knight in shining armor when you meet him by chance. Turns out you’ll meet him several more times. Everything happens for a reason, right?

Winter Air: PG Contrary to popular belief, Dean is a big softy who loves winter.

Slow Days: PG Dean meets you on a slow, lazy day in Lebanon at Christmas.

Come Home: PG Dean comes to your door in the middle of the night. it’s a good thing, too, because you’re gearing up for a fight.

Don’t Go Changing: PG-13 It was never supposed to end up like this. You find out the truth about Dean Winchester.

Dog Days: PG-13 (for violence) Dean rescues a dog and ends up being the one rescued.

Helping Hand: PG After recovering from an injury, you’re having a hard time getting back into fighting form. Dean helps you through it.

Sun Warmed: PG He sits on the edge of the table, watching you as you flit about the room, grabbing a mug, some coffee creamer, and sugar. You wait for him to make a comment about how sweet you like your coffee, but it never comes. Another sign that he’s not entirely himself today.

Untitled drabble: PG Someone is carrying you. Your head jostles until it finds purchase against a broad shoulder, and in your daze you can make out a conversation - though you’re not able to make sense of anything being said.Someone is urging you to open your eyes, You want to do what they ask, you want to ask questions, but you’re so tired.

I’ll Be Your Lifeline Tonight: PG Dean shoulders his own burdens. He always has. And truth be told, it comforted you to think he had it under control. Dean’s always been the one with the plan, the one who knew what to do next. Now that he doesn’t… you can’t lie, it freaks you out. But you have to help him right now. If the tables were turned, he’d do the same for you.

Untitled: PG You stop mid-sentence as you come around the corner into the rec room, seeing him fast asleep on the sofa. There’s a magazine on his lap and a few other books strewn around him, and while this isn’t really that out of the ordinary for him, it’s the glasses tucked into his collar that draw your attention.

It Echoes a Spark: PG-13 “I was on my way home. Traveling. Saw I was driving through town and thought… well, it’s almost our anniversary.” He winks, and it’s amazing how you’re not a puddle of goo right there on the floor.

Wrapped Up in Your Love: Rated PG @sixtysevenandwhiskey asked for: “i did that annoying thing where i put loads of smaller boxes inside one big box and you’re getting really mad but you don’t know that the ring is in the smallest box and i can’t wait to see your face”

Snow & Scarves: Rated PG @lipstickandwhiskey said “I gotta see you do “PULLING YOU IN FOR A KISS WITH A SCARF” because SWOON” and I mean, same, tbh.

Stay Here Til Sunrise: Rated T “You’re making a mental checklist of everything you need to do when you finally stop somewhere - the first thing being calling Sam to let him know his brother got his arm broken trying to be a goddamn hero again, followed closely by getting to a bathroom where Dean can’t see you as you try to calm the fuck down.”

Bruised Hearts: Rated T She sort of, kind of, probably hates him. He tells himself it’s for the best.  

Just Let Me Try: Rated T You get in a car accident not far from Dean’s shop and go to him for help. Mechanic!AU. Dean’s POV.

On Your Mark, Get Set, Bake: PG Dean discovers your guilty pleasure TV show.

I Remember Loving You: PG-13 When you think you’re in trouble, you go to Sam and Dean for help, despite the fact that you and Dean haven’t spoken or seen each other face to face in months.

Bright Lights Won’t Leave Me Alone: PG-13 Prompt: “We got involved in a fight at a bar and had to share the night in the same jail cell”

If It Keeps You By My Side: PG-13 The reader reveals something to Dean that turns his world upside down. Written for Annie’s 300 Follower Grand Budapest Motel Challenge!

One More Hour: PG Dean’s tired and can’t hide it from you no matter how hard he tries.

Danger Always Was a Friend of Mine: PG-13 You get stuck driving through a huge storm on your way to the bunker. Dean reacts in a way you don’t expect.

Run, Run, Run Away: PG-13 Dean calls you to go on a hunt he’d otherwise have to take solo. It takes quite a turn.

Lost Hope, Can’t Cope: PG-13 Dean helps you when your anxiety, stress, and everything else jumbled up in your head becomes too much. Alternates between the reader and Dean’s POV.

One Way to Shut You Up: PG A good, old-fashioned post-hunt celebration gives you the courage you finally need.

Now Close Your Eyes: PG You have a hard time letting other people take care of you.

Something About You, I Just Can’t Fight: Rated M You’re pretty sure Dean’s figured out your big, stupid crush on him, and you’re sure it’s only a matter of time before you spontaneously combust.

Loving Everything You Do: Rated T The washer broke. It’s not your fault that the only thing near you at the time was some of Dean’s clothes, okay.

Heavy Heart and a Heavy Mind: Rated T A badly-timed wish on your part and a curse from a witch has you and Dean reconsidering the nature of your relationship. Written for SPN Angst Bingo.

Let the Lonely In: Rated T After a bad day and a sleepless night, the reader and her insecurities are her own worst enemy.

Someone Throw a Lifeline: Rated T While wrapping up a case, Sam and Dean get a weird phone call that has Dean assuming the worst.

Everything You Are:  PG Dean’s POV.  Dean discovers the pretty librarian he met on a case is a little more “in the know” than he realized.

You’ve Had Me All Along: Rated M You’re so pissed that you’re even in this situation, your hands are shaking from adrenaline and anger. Huffing to yourself, you grab your phone out of your back pocket and dial one of two numbers you know by heart.

More Heart and Less Attack: Rated T The reader shows up at the bunker after being attacked, hurt and on the verge of a panic attack.

One More Time Before I Fall: Rated T This weird tension between you and Dean had to come to a head sometime, and what better time than when you’re trapped in the Impala with him for a long trip?

Untitled drabble: Rated T Dean has to bail you out of jail during a hunt, and isn’t happy about it when he sees you again.

Untitled drabble: Rated T One ghost down, five to go. You’re on your way to rescue the Winchesters.

Untitled oneshot: Rated PG Prompt: “I have been driving for the last 5 hours and all I want is some god damn beef jerky, so GET YOUR HAND OFF THE LAST PACKAGE ON THE SHELF YOU MAY BE HANDSOME STRANGER, BUT NO ONE IS STANDING IN BETWEEN ME AND THAT SALTY SNACK”

Breaks Your Heart Like Lovers Do: Rated PG Anon asked for a angsty fic based on “Happier” by Ed Sheeran. Don’t worry - there’s a happy ending!

Untitled Angst Day drabble: Rated T You’ve been hiding your feelings towards Dean for months, and when you guys have the biggest fight you can ever remember having, you reach a breaking point.

Seeing Eye to Eye and Heart to Heart: Rated T You get hurt on a hunt, and afterwards, Dean starts acting real weird.

Can’t Get You Close Enough: Rated M Dean tears into you after a hunt goes bad, causing you to have a panic attack. He makes a confession to your after, about why seeing you hurt makes him react that way.

I’ll Be Back, Give It Time: Rated M While you’re struggling with your feelings for Dean, you have your first fight.

Untitled drabble: Rated PG. You and Dean have this thing going on. You tease him, he teases you. You don’t expect it to lead to hurt feelings until it does.

Glasses: Rated M. Dean wears those glasses. You have feels.

Lately: Rated M (Dean POV, third person) Dean reflects on his feelings for the reader.

Now And Then I Get A Little Lost: Rated M (mild smut) Established relationship with Dean x Reader. The two of you run into Cassie on a hunt, and seeing Dean’s ex brings up some insecurities.

Got The Flu: Rated M Dean takes care of you when you’re sick, and confessions come in dramatic fashion. You know the drill.

Enough For Now: Rated M (mild smut, language) You haven’t seen Dean in over a year, and the scruff he’s sporting now is doing things to you.

Valentine’s Day oneshot: Rated M. Pure smut. Dean wears that coat. You know the one.

Don’t You Forget About Me: Rated M. Post 12x11. You help Sam figure out how to get rid of Dean’s curse. He doesn’t remember you, but he remembers something.

Untitled oneshot: Rated M (barely any smut, rated for language + dirty talk) The gang have a hunt at the zoo. What could go wrong?

Best Friends?: Rated M Prompt: “We’re best friends and I’ve been in love with you forever and I’m 30000% sure you only see me as a friend, except why is there all this tension rn?

Family Ties: Rated M (mild smut) You didn’t know your stepmom was a witch, okay. It’s not your fault you’ve got a coven on your tail. It’s also not your fault that Dean Winchester hates witches so much.

Untitled drabble: Rated M. Prompt was “comfort” - Dean comforts the reader after a hunt goes wrong and causes her to have nightmares.

Sooner Or Later: Rated M. Prompt was “touch”. Tension relief.

It’s So Clear Now: Rated M. You run into the Winchesters after a few months hunting alone, and when you get hurt, Dean takes care of you. This is a long one - 5K.

You Look Good in My Shirt: Rated M. You borrow Dean’s sweater and it causes him to finally make a move.

You’re A Sight For Sore Eyes: Rated PG. Based on a prompt. Dean helps you sleep when you’re dealing with some anxiety.

The More I’m Gone, The More Things Change: Rated T. You go with the Winchesters to LA to hopefully help them ice Lucifer.

They Call It The Season Of Giving (I’m Here, Yours For The Taking): Rated PG You get a little emotional exchanging Christmas gifts with Dean.

It’s The Same For Me: Rated T. You mess up on a hunt and Dean calls you out for it. Resentful of being treated like a kid, you lash out.

Missing You: Rated T. You and Dean are alone in the bunker for a night when you surprise him with a visit. He’s missed you.

Untitled drabble: Rated T. Dean is so protective of you, it makes you crazy. You fight, and then make out.

Don’t Look Back: Rated T, sequel to “Ain’t Afraid Of No Ghosts”. Dean shows up unannounced to make sure you’re safe as he and Sam investigate some demon signs near your home.

Rescue Drabble: Rated T Sam and Dean rescue you after a close call while hunting, and afterwards, Dean’s guilt leads to a confession.  

Happy To See Me?: Rated M (light smut in this one). Imagine seeing Dean for the first time in months, and him not being able to hide how happy he is to see you.

Ain’t Afraid Of No Ghosts: Rated M.  You’re not happy when the Winchester brothers show up to steal your hunt, no matter how cute you think the older one is.

PROMPT FICS:

Dean + “dance with me” / “I’ve always loved you”

Dean + “Can you walk?”

Platonic Dean + Lisa being jealous

Dean + “I’d sooner die than deny my feelings for you”

Dean + “You look terrible”

Dean + “No, wait, please. Can’t we talk?”

Dean + “I belong with you”

Dean + chocolate

Dean + fear

Dean + nicknames

Dean + morning routine

Dean + playing with hair

Dean+ fireplace

[fishingformoncy-blog]

$$$  T H R E E S .

repost, do not reblog.

MUSE :   EUGENE H. KRABS.  ( MR. KRABS )

$ 𝟑 𝐒𝐓𝐑𝐄𝐍𝐆𝐓𝐇𝐒.

Though it’s usually only in his own favor, he really is an amazing businessman. He knows psychology when it comes to prices and money, and knows how to swindle people of it via media, advertisement, and bargains. I’m sure everyone knows that one devious thing that companies do. They’ll say that some price was recently marked down from a higher price to make a deal, but it was actually always that price the whole time? He does that all the time. He also gives out frequent bargains that seem like they’re cheaper, but they’re not really cheaper in the long run ( i.e. i work at panera -- if you get an entire meal with a drink you can get a cookie for .99 cents. an actual cookie is a little less than 3 dollars. but it’s actually cheaper to get the cookie and no drink ) .

His morality is one of the biggest strengths he has. Though it is pretty grey when it comes to money, life is something really important to him. Growing up extremely poor he learned that life is very, very precious. And it only strengthened when he joined the navy to pay for business schooling. Seeing so many people die and having to use violence when being taught that it shouldn’t be necessarily really made him see that people are important and everyone has a reason. Unless of course, it comes to his money. If someone steals even a dollar from them, they’re getting horribly injured or killed. No one comes between him and his cash / fear of being poor again.

Speaking of cash, he is really good with it. In school, he didn’t really excel at anything aside from physical education, art, and math. He adored math because it forced him to focus and it alleviated his mind of stress. Not to mention it aided him when it came to managing cash and excelling in business school. If you need help with your finances, he is definitely someone to ask. He’ll teach you to love your money like it’s your child, so you can save it for something important, not superficial.

$ 𝟑 𝐖𝐄𝐀𝐊𝐍𝐄𝐒𝐒𝐄𝐒.

Money is his biggest strength, as well as his biggest weakness. Like I mentioned before, if anything comes between he and his cash, they won’t survive much longer. For example, in the episode where SandP get him a new bed, and Squid wanted to take all the credit, he almost choked him to death. Because all of his saved money was stuffed inside the mattress. Before that, he tore his room apart in a panicked frenzy. Also in the episode where the urchin invades the Krusty Krab, after seeing the urchin eat all his money in the cash register, he has a small panic attack and beats the fuck out of the thing, even though it hardly takes damage.

He can be pretty judgmental when it comes to certain ethnicities or types of people, I’ve noticed. Usually formed off of personal opinion or from what he’s seen / experienced. Those opinions can quickly change however, when proven otherwise. He is a very gullible man, especially when money is involved. He used to hate Sandy for fucking with Spongebob’s head simply because she was “a mammal,” until she started getting him money. So don’t be surprised if he can be a bit harsh at first. His mind can be easily changed, though.

He is eager to find love again, especially since he believes that he can’t find it truly anymore. After his first love either died or left ( i’m starting to lean more toward she died but we’ll see if canon ever says something ) ,  he’s really hoping that there will be someone out there for him. I’m not sure if everyone will consider this a weakness or not, but he does tend to be extremely flirtatious to women, especially those who are younger than him. It always ends up flaking though -- many people can’t stand how absolutely obsessed he is with money. The arguments about cash are numerous; most likely why he stopped seeing Miss Puff.

$ 𝟑 𝐒𝐄𝐂𝐑𝐄𝐓𝐒.  ( ASIDE FROM THE FORMULA ITSELF )

Plankton was the one who made the formula, actually! It was an accident that was caused by him slamming the door and pouring all the ingredients from a shelf into the tenderized beef. When Eugene tasted the incident and saw how beautiful it was, he claimed it was his own to get back at Plankton for wanting to have the recipe all for himself at first. After pulling out all the ingredients from the beef as a kid, he divided the missing amount from the containers and made the formula that way. To dig deeper into the secret, he would have wholeheartedly shared it with Plankton after all the craziness from the burger calmed down. But then he began bullying him. This will never be told to anyone, no matter who it is. The only one who would know is Plankton, if their friendship is ever rekindled.

He used to smoke in high school, which no one really ever knew. The only one who did know was again, Plankton. He stopped doing it when he joined the navy, as he knew he needed the extra strength and needed to break the addiction. He already had one, he didn’t need another. To this day, he still sometimes craves one, and tends to use other stress relievers ( talking to money about it is something he does a lot )  to try and break the crippling desire from time-to-time.

It’s really hard thinking of a third one, so I guess just his past in general? He really hates seeming like a poor person, and it embarrasses him to even be considered poor in anyone’s eyes. He envies people richer than him, and genuinely looks up to people who are popular businessmen / women. He wants to be as rich as them before he dies. So if you wanna hear his backstory, there better be a good fucking reason to. Because otherwise he’d be too uncomfortable sharing how poor he used to be. It makes him fucking cringe just thinking about it.

$ 𝟑 𝐅𝐄𝐀𝐑𝐒

BEING POOR .  His biggest fear is somehow losing sight of all the money he has, someone stealing it all, and being tossed back into the dirt. He never wants to live that life again. Too much has happened since he gained his money: he’s helped his entire family for helping him through his life; his daughter depends on it. He won’t be able to live without money. It scares him so much that he coud literally kill people if someone even touches his finances.

Losing his daughter is a big one. He’s a pretty lonely man enough as it is. He can’t even understand his daughter half the time which is a huge struggle in his life, but it’s one he can deal with so long as he has her. He might not always know how to show it, but he does genuinely love her, and wants to give her a life growing up that he never had. Which admittedly, makes her somewhat spoiled. If anything happened to her he would be devastated and absolutely depressed. Would probably feel like he let his lover down, too.

Losing Spongebob. Though this one isn’t as big as the other two by any means, it’s still pretty high on the list. Unless firing him will give him more money in the long run, he wants to keep Spongebob on his deployment chart. His back hurts like the dickens because of his old age so he can’t cook as well as he used to when he was younger, it’s going to be extremely difficult to find someone who will work for near ten - twelve hour days with only a few benefits and getting paid minimum wage, someone who cooks so outstandingly well, and will wait on customers with happiness and joy. He would be in a really tight situation and he knows his store would suffer if he lost him.

$ 𝟑 𝐆𝐎𝐀𝐋𝐒

To obtain as much money as heart desires! Which, theoretically is impossible. But as long as he can die rich, he will be happy. He doesn’t care what else happens. Furthermore, he wants to make sure that any money leftover from the business when he does pass on either goes to the person who takes it over -- which will most-likely be Spongebob, or his daughter for her education / career purposes.

Make Pearl happy. He knows he can’t satisfy her all the time or necessarily be there for her all the time because he’s usually off at work, or because he doesn’t understand her, but he just wants make sure she has what she wants. He could never get what he wanted as a child which didn’t really upset him much until he was told he couldn’t get a job until after his schooling was over. But he spoils her to make sure she doesn’t feel like she can’t have what she wants, and so she doesn’t end up feeling poor like he did.

To become friends with Plankton again  To make sure that at any and all times, the Krusty Krab has better profits, audiences, atmosphere, and business than the Chum Bucket. Even if that little, green devil has one customer it means terrible news. That’s another person lost for him, along with their families, and everything else.

TAGGED BY :  @90smagicalboy !  ( thanks duDE THIS W A SD O PE ! ) TAGGING :  @youwillobcy ,  @spngie ,  @cynicalcephalopod ,  @hisnote , @mechbrane ,  and anyone else who wants to !

[kariachi]

”So, we’re gonna start today’s Martin Mystery rewatches with The Vampire Returns. Should I have listened to more of the Young Frankenstein soundtrack during lunch in preparation? Probably. But here we are instead.

I love how this show always specifies the exact time shit starts going down. For instance, in this episode, 10:32 pm CEST

~~

Good on Lady Soulsucker’s date for paying enough attention to notice when the girl he’s out with grows fangs and her eyes start glowing. You don’t see that often enough.

Aw and then she takes the daintiest bite of apple with teeth bigger than Date-Dude’s face.

I wonder how they got out without being noticed... can’t remember if the vampires in this episode can do the ‘turn to fog’ thing. Sure I’ll find out later.

~~

Diana sitting there with a book and a crowd of impressed young ladies. What are you showing them, Diana? Did you make this book yourself? Did you mother write it? I can’t think of a reason for the ooo-ing and ahh-ing going on otherwise. Either that or you managed to attract a pack of lesbians and they are trying to get in your pants.

...ya know I’m kinda all for the idea that Diana has unwittingly attracted a chunk of Torrington’s lesbian population and they are all trying to smooze in the awkward way that only a young gay can manage.

Also hello Tonio, it’s nice to see you. I’m going to have to include you in this in some way, I believe, given the location and also that this is a fic for nix.

Martin, Martin, sweetie, no. You are not getting that girl. There were actual sparkles coming off her, you don’t deserve that sort’ve quality. Plus, ya know, she sounds like your brand of nerd isn’t her style. I know the saying is “aim for the moon, if you fail you’ll land among the stars” but let’s be realistic for five seconds

Tonio can see this disaster coming from a mile away.

Amber is not having it, solidly unimpressed. I’m shocked.

You think the girls at this school ever rate the boys and just, give Martin a solid 6/10 for effort and moxie alone? “We wouldn’t date him, but at least he’s entertainingly stupid.”

Amber’s look of shock and concern at the idea of Martin enjoying studying. Like she’s about to call in the Psi Psi Psi girls and Diana, clearly their moron has fallen ill. Diana, meanwhile, is just pissed and I can’t decide whether the idea that this is because Martin is lying to get a date or because ‘has he been lying for the past our entire lives’ is funnier.

Though, given we’ll be working with witch!Martin for this it’s not like he’s lying. He just doesn’t like studying, well, anything they teach at Torrington. (Although I am still a big fan of the idea that he’s perfectly bright and just doesn’t apply himself like, at all.)

Martin don’t growl at your sister, you’ll get enough chances to in season 3.

And Amber trying to let him down easy.

~~

“Very rare, and totally irreplaceable” and you, all the way into season 2, are going to work with them, in your office, immediately after calling in Martin- known disaster and Destroyer of Projects? I swear you’d think MOM wanted her crap ruined. After a point you have no one to blame but yourself.

Martin no.

I repeat, MOM, no one to blame but yourself. Most people with an ounce of sense would stow away the shit they didn’t want destroyed when the guy who keeps destroying shit was called in.

Diana no. You’re being sent on a mission not a fucking river cruise.

~~

Introducing, the world’s scariest tunnel of love. First condoms in the water, now people going missing, this dude is just done.

Well Lady Soulsucker just fucking demolished that place didn’t she. Godsdamn, forget shutting it down because people disappeared, shut it down because it’s officially a safety hazard.

Okay, access hatch in the ceiling, that explains that.

...Okay but Martin isn’t entirely wrong with his assessment here? Something strong and nocturnal is right on the nose, and while the werewolf and half-beast-half-humanoid (and I love he uses that word specifically) hybrid guesses aren’t quite right, they aren’t far off the mark. He brought his A game today.

Diana, darling, kids playing practical jokes generally don’t leave fair rides completely demolished in their wake. That is not a normal occurrence.

Java about to eat half-consumed food off the floor like child did Diana not teach you better than that? I wouldn’t be surprised Martin didn’t but Diana?

500 year old saliva. This is the sort’ve ridiculousness I expect from this show. What, did Lady Soulsucker not swallow, spit, or brush her teeth since she escaped her coffin? Was she going around with 500 years of no brushing on her breath? Of course she’s got vampire hypnosis it’s the only way she could get a date.

Vampire goes rwar at children, flees into the sun to escape capture. Also he may need some heavier clothes, those don’t seem to be keeping the sunlight out.

~~

Martin no.

Billy making himself useful. Helping them follow the massive flashing clue that is the vampire’s clothing.

Martin slow your jock-ass down

Martin no, purple isn’t your color.

Okay, can I just say here that Lady Soulsucker looks fucking weird? She looks like a haunted porcelain doll. Or a shitty oc. Here, a theme song to go with her.

Question, why is there a surf shop in the middle of Paris? Is Paris big for surfing? A true French sport?

Oh, yeah, Simone, I forgot her name. It’s very French. Also dude chill.

Diana will not be stopped by some weird hyper-jealous dude.

She also, ya know, looks like a fucking corpse. But yeah, the reflection thing is your first clue something’s up.

He doesn’t see her, he doesn’t hear her, he doesn’t smell the 500-yo morning breath. I claiming him as an anosmiac by the way, the flag is in.

Welp. I can’t decide whether this feeding was more or less extreme than the last one. I mean, this time was pretty fucking hardcore, but last time she demolished an entire fair ride.

Simone, sweetie, have you considered that if you are looking for a specific guy maybe, just maybe, the way to go about it isn’t to just eat whatever random dude happens to be within hypnotizing range? Just a thought?

“He needs help, I’m going in” Martin says right after watching a guy get eaten by a vampire, proving that while he may not be the moron we deserve, he’s the moron we need. Diana, on the other hand, is a voice of reason and doesn’t deserve this shit.

Lucky those clothes were there to break your fall, Martin.

Martin, after dropping from the ceiling into a vampire’s feeding ground, alone: Don’t make me fuck your shit up! Simone, seeing this: Oh yay it’s my moron! Speak of the devil!

Am I saying Gerard was probably just as much an impulsive dumbshit as his great-x-grandson? Yes. Yes I am.

“Clever, and brave.” And a complete moron of a dork. “Just like my Gerard.”

“And just as handsome” it’s nice to see the looks keep in that family? I don’t believe Gerard got the floaty hair though, but his hair looked stupid so really Martin has the advantage there.

Vampire minions are strong, holding back Java with one hand.

Vampire true love is apparently very sparky.

Well Diana, at least you saved the watch.

~~

Martin gets abducted by vampires, Billy immediately must run to the scene.

I’d be impressed with your strength, Java, if those doors hadn’t looked 70% fallen in before you got to them. You could’ve probably gotten the same result from a hearty cough on them.

Gerard=Martin w/o floaty hair or modern fashion. Don’t know why the portrait is in black in white.

You’d think Billy could’ve taken the thirty seconds to read a brief overview about the woman while he waited for Diana and Java, but no.

No wonder Gerard looks weird, there’s not even a splash of warm color in that outfit. And warm tones don’t do Simone any favors. Coordinate your fashion better, people, you’re vampires for fuck’s sake! What would Mike say!

How do we know about genes from a 15th century vampire? Also I note she says ‘relative’ and not ‘descendant’, but I’m not in the mood to dig into that.

Billy you are literally a galactic conqueror, but your big boy underwear on and get in the basement.

Let’s be real, Diana, that’s just a sibling thing. You go into horrible places to save them so you can give them hell about making you go to a horrible place to save them.

How many minions has Simone gotten together? Like, the clan hasn’t been renewed yet, so... When did she get the time? It’s been like 24 hours

Okay, that explains new guy A, what about B and C over there, who look like they stepped out of Robin Hood? where they sealed in with you? Is this the old crew?

Simone, queen of the night and motivational speeches.

Martin you can’t just call on a specific guy, poor thing probably had a heart attack. “Fuck, my Lady’s new consort has beef, fuckfuckfuck” but no, you just want some fucking fries. And Simone is fucking loving it.

~~

Okay, so we know some of them sleep upside down.

It’s nice to see vampires can still be active sleepers.

Hissy vampires on all fours

Vampire!Martin is perfectly fine with being an evil trophy husband

Vampire!Martin standing there like “yeah, you rule the underworld, babe, rocking it!”

~~

“Do you know how much grief I’ll get at Torrington if my stepbrother comes back a vampire?” Would it really be that much more than you get just for having him as a stepbrother in the first place?

A vampire lord consort and yet still, at heart, an annoying brother

Simone: Get me back my fucking moron and we’re all screwed!

Tell me that’s like, Diana or Java’s dirty sock because I’m fairly certain even Martin doesn’t deserve to have his own stuffed in his mouth

And Simone becomes a massive fucking bat beast. Fur, muzzle, little winglet-dealies, big ears, big teeth, no tail...

Okay, yeah, Java’s sock, cool

Those are some seriously dirty windows. Or, well, were.

Sunlight burns everybody but also burns Simone to fucking ash right quick. Which then removes the curse on her victims.

Also I wanna know more about this apparent vampire gene. It is of much interest, especially given next episode will be dealing with werewolves and in some folklore werewolves when killed become vampires, so...

~~

Martin. No.

Amber really. Either you were setting him up or you yourself are dense as teak.

Oh Martin... stick with spies and monsters, honey

[softshelltaakos]

what’s up everybody! it’s time for part 2 of my taz graphic novel review.

part one covered (most of) my beef with the writing and storytelling choices. this part is gonna cover character designs!!! you should know going into this that my opinions are not positive. this post is also a lot less analytical in tone than part 1, because art is not my forte.

disclaimer: i love the mcelroys. i truly do. taz has gotten me through some very difficult stuff and i have a tattoo. all this to say i’m not doing this because i hate them or because i like hating things. if you feel the need to message me about how i am overreacting, specifically to green taako, or about how i should just calm down and ignore it, or about how it’s sad that i’m getting so worked up instead of just enjoying the show, i’ve heard it and i don’t care. you will not be taken seriously. save yourself the energy.

there are spoilers for the graphic novel under the cut.

alright. i’m getting the elephant in the room out of the way first because it’s the most important thing to address, and once it’s out of my system i’ll feel better goofing on the rest of the designs. as i mentioned in the disclaimer: Green Taako Is Bad.

[ID: a panel focusing on taako. he’s skinny and minty green with chin-length light blonde hair and a big, pointy nose.]

now, a lot of people have made posts about this before, and i’m not saying anything new about it by any means. i’m also not the most equipped person to talk about why green taako is bad, because i’m a white gentile (i’ve heard conflicting opinions on whether or not green taako is antisemitic, but it feels remiss not to mention that there’s been discussion) and therefore not part of any groups affected by this whole debacle, but in short: when pressed for more diversity, specifically in taako’s case as a pretty large chunk of his arc involves literally inventing a mexican cultural food (fun note: that’s never mentioned in this book,) carey pietsch decided he should be green and the mcelroys were down with it. this is not an issue that cropped up when this design was released; it was something that there was already a ton of discourse surrounding, and it should never have gotten concepts drawn, let alone made it to publish.

this article by natt cuesta has been linked before on the subject, and i think it’s a good, concise explanation of why green taako is bad as well as why aracial characters in general are bad. this is a racist design.

now that we’ve gotten those ethical ramifications out of the way... i’m sorry, but it’s an ugly design, lmao. he looks like a palette-swapped version of pearl from steven universe with less character. the ONLY thing about this design that i like is the prominent lower lashes, if only because they’re the only thing that keeps him from looking entirely generic. because, like, y’all, when has anything about taako been generic?

[ID: a panel focusing on magnus. he’s a muscular fair-skinned man with auburn hair, a bushy beard, and a scar over his left eye.]

generic is a word that’s going to come up a lot over the course of this review, because i genuinely can’t think of a more apt descriptor for pietsch’s designs. it feels like she went with the lowest common denominator of every character’s design, a synthesis of all of the most popular (and most boring) ones, except in instances where that would lend any personality to a character’s design. magnus fits what brief description we’re given in the podcast: auburn hair. beard. big. and i guess that’s all you need?

i understand that by appealing to the most common and basic designs for these characters you’re inviting a lot less ire than you might by going with something more individual, so i get the motivation behind it -- or i would, if her designs hadn’t always been about this dull. but it’s bizarre to me that in a story as unique as the balance campaign, we ended up with the most basic ass Fantasy Hero lookin’ dude in the world as one of our protagonists.

i just really don’t have a lot to say about this. i’m just bored by it.

[ID: a panel of merle. he has medium-dark skin with a smooth white bun and beard.]

merle is simultaneously the design i like most out of the boys and the one that throws me the most, because i feel like he’s the most out on a limb one. which... oof. most merle designs i see give him a floral motif (i guess he has a few petals in his hair, maybe?) and big coke-bottle glasses, and i miss those things with this design, but at least it doesn’t totally feel like pietsch threw every merle she could get her hands on into a blender and poured it out on a page, although honestly, that might have been more satisfying. people do some really fun shit with their merle designs, but again, he’s. generic.

as the cuesta article mentions, with how much of an issue it was to get any of the boys to be poc in the first place and in conjunction with minty up there, this design also feels like tokenism -- an appeasement rather than an honest attempt at diversity or god forbid because the artist actually headcanons merle as a person of color. personally, i wish that she’d gone a step beyond re-coloring his skin and idk given him a natural hairstyle or something. he still feels very much like a recolor to me rather than a character who was designed as a person of color from the beginning.

i feel like he looks more like a cleric than he looks like a merle, which i feel like is pretty contradictory to who merle is.

[ID: a cutaway showing griffin, a white man with brown hair and glasses wearing a collared shirt.]

i’ve said before that it feels a little odd to talk about her design of a real person, so i’ll keep this brief, but... you know how every drawing of a basic white dude looks a little bit like griffin mcelroy? you know how that one arthur character looks a little bit like griffin mcelroy? you know how everyone is constantly messaging mysillycomics about how her avatar looks like griffin mcelroy?

how did carey pietsch manage to actively attempt to draw griffin mcelroy and miss the mark? it boggles the mind. he doesn’t not look like griffin, i guess, but he doesn’t look like griffin, either. i don’t know, man

[ID: a generic gerblin. he has yellowy-green skin, slight tusks or fangs, and weird, nubby little horn-type things.]

i hate these gerblins. they are ugly. next

[ID: two images of klaarg/g’nash. he’s a bugbear with brown fur and yellow eyes as well as a mouth full of pointy teeth. in the first image he looks pissed off; in the second he’s starry-eyed and delighted.]

klaarg is probably my favorite design in the book, and that’s just because he looks like a cute dog for most of the time he’s on the page. he’s fluffy and i love klaarg anyway, so like. did not take a lot to reach this mark. especially considering how i feel about most of the other designs lmfao

i do definitely think he keeps up the trend of looking generic, though.

[ID: an image of barry bluejeans. he looks like tom arnold, kind of; he’s square-jawed and white with thick-rimmed glasses. he also has a light brown mullet.]

i hate this. i hate the mullet. i’m sorry, y’all, i really, truly, cannot stand the mullet. i don’t feel like barry has mullet energy. i feel like it’s too powerful a move for him. it wouldn’t be a good move, mind you, but it would be a big one. i don’t know y’all it’s just bad

[ID: an image of killian. she’s a green-skinned orc woman with prominent eyelashes, eyebrows, and tusks, and straight brown hair.]

i can’t have been the only one who was hoping for a badass, visibly muscular, maybe even butch killian design, right? that wasn’t just me being a big old lesbian, that’s a pretty common theme of killian designs? i guess kudos for going out on a limb again, but then, like, take the kudos back for going out on the most boring limb possible again. i could hang with the face if her hair wasn’t so boring, but it’s... it’s so boring

[ID: an image of magic brian. he’s a drow with long white hair and an oblong face and oddly shaped nose.]

for how many of her designs are syntheses of popular ones, i..... don’t understand how this happened. i don’t understand how whimiscal and flamboyant magic brian who’s often drawn as taako-but-a-goth-dark-elf ended up looking like this. he looks like he used to play football and got his nose busted up and peaked in fantasy high school. he looks like the first quarter of a monster factory video where the thing’s just ugly but doesn’t have a personality or any endearing traits yet. he didn’t have to be the goth twink we all know he is but what.......... is this

[ID: an image of gundren rockseeker/bogard. he’s a light-skinned dwarf with dark long hair and a matching beard.]

..........listen i know they’re cousins and distant cousins at that but all of merle’s cousins are light-skinned and, like, not to say that that can’t happen but having them be anywhere near merle’s skin tone would’ve been such an easy way to help bolster the obviously inaccurate idea that this is a work concerned with diverse character designs, or rather to help ppl claim it was being bolstered, and yet

[ID: avi, a fair-skinned man with long dark hair kept up in a ponytail and slight scruff on his face.]

i feel like maybe avi is intended to be east asian so i think at this point that brings the count up to a whole two characters of color. we’re almost done with the book. cool. he’s cute, i guess, but guess what word i’m about to say again (it’s generic)

[ID: a panel of several unnamed cameo characters. from right to left: carey fangbattle, a light blue dragonborn; brad bradson, a green orc man with a long brown ponytail; and presumably lucas miller, a tan human with glasses and dark hair.]

ok. deep breaths.

first off, there’s another panel w these three as well as boyland, who looks fine, but i didn’t grab that one bc it’s harder to make out detail. carey is cute. brad is fine.

i assume the third guy is lucas miller because i’m not entirely sure who else he would be, and... oof! as you may know i can’t stand lucas miller, which has nothing to do with his necromancy or nerdiness and everything to do with the various human rights violations he commits in the small time he’s got focus as well as the fact that he’s got a theoretical redemption arc that’s not actually an arc so much as us being told he’s better now. lucas is an entitled jackass who repeatedly uses other people’s bodies and minds without their consent, from the obvious offense of using the bugbears as brainwashed chore-doers (read: slaves) to the less-oft discussed dragging of noelle and others out of the astral plane into robot bodies, again to do his chores for him. because of this, it has always sat very uncomfortably with me when people make lucas a poc, because everything about him screams Shitty White Nerd Boy to me. it sits extra uncomfortably coming from carey pietsch, given how white all of her other designs are.

it’s a little hard to tell because i took all these pics with my phone camera in my room’s lighting so they’re not super high fidelity or anything, but pietsch’s lucas is noticeably darker than any other character we’ve seen so far save merle. maybe he’s just a white guy with a tan, but all the same, it strikes me as incredibly skeevy to have one of so few characters of color be this fucking guy.

[ID: johann, a black man with an oblong face and textured dark hair.]

johann’s design is fine, although this is a similar face shape to that brian from earlier and i just. i don’t. understand it. it’s not especially interesting, but hey, at least he’s not another generic white guy.

that being said, as i mentioned in part 1 of this review, johann’s role is severely cut in this -- he’s reduced to three panels, when in the show itself he’s the one who escorts the boys to the voidfish’s chamber and inoculates them. as i mentioned in that post i understand that they shifted it some to give lucretia a more prominent entrance, but as i also mentioned in that post, they should have compensated for that. three panels.

johann is not a character with a great deal of screentime as it is, but he’s a character with a major impact. he is the reason story and song happens. his song serves as a direct foil to john’s nihilistic conversion of his own home plane into the hunger. the fact that he’s been reduced to three panels with little to no characterization at this point, especially in conjunction with the fact that he’s one of very few poc, makes me really, really uncomfortable. avi is in more panels in this book than johann is, and while i love avi and as i said i am parsing him as an asian dude, he’s also still light-skinned enough and the style is nondescript enough that there are definitely people who will parse him as white, and also, avi’s role in the story is not as big as johann’s.

it doesn’t sit right with me.

[ID: an image of davenport, a fair-skinned man with a big red mustache and slicked back red hair.]

ginger davenport with a big mustache. groundbreaking.

[ID: an image of lucretia, a slender black woman with short white hair dressed in blue layers.]

and finally, lucretia. now, i’m biased, and it’s hard for me to see a lucretia design i don’t like. i also think that this is, compared to a lot of the others at least, one of the more interesting designs in the book, at least as far as her clothes go. it’s not a long robe that would be hard to move in, and i appreciate that -- it strikes me as a pretty practical outfit while also being ornamental and wizard-y. and she’s pretty, and she’s not whitewashed, and that’s all great. i like her earrings.

all that being said, i feel like it’s not enough. luc’s hair continues a theme with merle’s and johann’s (as well as the preview we’ve seen of angus,) which is that it strikes me as very low-effort on pietsch’s part. it’s short and it’s definitely not straight, but it doesn’t feel to me like it had as much thought put into it as, say, minty green taako’s hair. we could’ve had a lucretia with a big beautiful afro, or long box braids, or so many other natural hairstyles; we got this. it’s not bad, but i do think it’s disappointing. without going looking for it and without being a person who reads a great deal about character design, i’ve seen a fair amount of discussion from black women (artists, writers, and none of the above) about the portrayal of black women as it pertains to their hair. they’re never designed to be as feminine as their white counterparts. their hair is never treated with the same amount of detail or respect as their white counterparts. it’s short, maybe curly if you’re lucky.

i’m gonna circle back quickly to killian’s hair. it’s long and smooth and kept down, despite the fact that killian is an action-oriented women and might not want it to be in her face all the time -- it could have at least been braided or in a bun. it could’ve been short! and that would’ve made sense. and i don’t mean to say that lucretia couldn’t have short hair, but she’s a very elegant woman whose dress is described as intricate. she wears business regalia. she could have any number of hairstyles, from something elaborate to something simple but more out-of-the-box than this, but she doesn’t. i found this on a quick hunt through my ref tag -- it’s a tutorial for drawing black folks with just a small selection of interesting things you can do with afrotextured hair. these resources aren’t hard to find! and i’m doing this for fun -- carey pietsch is a professional artist who was paid for these designs. if she’d put in more than the bare minimum effort, we could’ve had some really interesting shit going on, but she didn’t.

and that’s the core of the issue here. i truly do not feel like pietsch put the same amount of care into the designs for the few characters of color we see as she did into the white ones, and that’s upsetting and emblematic of a larger problem in the work: neither pietsch nor the mcelroys put in very much care at all for the fans of color who spoke up and asked for representation.i know i said i was getting taako out of the way first so the majority of the post could be goof-heavy, but goddamn, y’all, it’s hard to goof about when it’s so blatantly shitty. pietsch’s designs are boring at best and racist at worst, not to mention conspicuously lacking in anyone who is not skinny, muscular, or a dwarf. people have praised this thing so uncritically, including people whose opinions i generally really respect, as if the fact that the mcelroys signing off on green taako made it above reproach.

it didn’t, by the way. there’s no such thing as an unproblematic fav, because everybody fucks something up now and then, but even then, this is a pretty egregious fuck-up! and it was willful!

i’m not saying y’all need to burn your copies of the gn or stop listening to the mcelroys entirely or anything of the sort -- you may remember the disclaimer at the top of the post where i say i really, really love them, and more specifically, i really love taz: balance. but i am BEGGING YOU to think critically about their work. good, good boys can do bad, bad things. white people can produce work that’s racist even if they’re gay women. it’s not mean to critique the boys and it’s not homophobic (or god forbid reverse racist, which is still not a real thing) to critique carey.

¯\_(ツ)_/¯ the real kicker of this whole thing for me is that there’s a small fanart gallery in the back of the book. most of them aren’t labeled with the artist’s handles, just their names, but there are some truly beautiful pieces featuring diverse designs -- galacticjonah and milkychai both have beautiful latino taakos featured! galacticjonah’s is fat, too! but even after the backlash against green taako, even aside from that being the design that people are going to accept as canonical, there are pieces in the gallery of green taako, as if doubling down on it was the right move.

and by the way, yeah, i’ve read griffin’s apology. but i thought we all learned in kindergarten that an apology doesn’t count if you don’t act on it.

[existential-hero]

hey look i am back on tumblr typing things.  don’t read further if u don’t give a shit about me complaining about Work!

today i’m gonna type about how tired i am of working food service jobs.  i always try to bust my ass and give 100% when i work in a kitchen (after i get over the awkward learning phase in the beginning).  This often turns into me being completely walked on by everyone because they expect me to do everything because i do it right like it’s nothing and don’t bitch about it so it must not bother me, right?!!  It’s been this way almost everywhere i’ve worked since five guys in 2013.  i’ve experienced this a bit at mosey’s, but honestly that job was very chill and we had a ton of freedom so i couldn’t complain too much there.  since mosey’s has been closed due to the hurricane, i had to get a different job which ended up being a line cook at a newer spot downtown.  it’s definitely given me a taste of what it’s like to work in a normal kitchen w/ basic fuck heads again.  i had it way too good at mosey’s as far as co-workers go.  lots of cool mostly like-minded folks.  when i got my new job back in november, it was literally just me and 2 other people running the kitchen all week.  it was an absolute fucking mess w/ no system whatsoever.  slowly i started trying to implement very basic things that i knew from working at mosey’s & five guys but no one really pays any attention or gives a shit.  i do at least 75% of the prep there.  i run out of things and have to prep in the middle of a rush literally every night.  then on top of that, they hired a complete asshole disguised as funny and nice good chef a little while after they hired me and now he’s become manager just because he supposedly has 18 yrs of experience and doesn’t ever stop talking himself up.  he constantly has to find something to beef w/ the servers about, like he thrives off conflict w them.  today he bitched at them for “stacking tickets” whenever there was just a 7 top and a 4 top back to back at the same time and then we had some other smaller tickets soon after.  no one was stressing but him but he kept going on about “this is how y’all fuckin end up with long-ass ticket times stacking tickets like this”.  He literally decided he was going to take his time to spite them so I worked circles around him so I could get everyone’s food out in a timely manner because the shit’s not hard to make and honestly between two people those tickets shouldn’t have taken long at all.  this dude’s supposed to be my manager and pretty much every time there’s a rush he always proves to me that he can’t handle it.  he keeps trying to add shit to our menu but so far no one at that restaurant has proven that their competent enough making what’s on the menu already.  anyway, it’s been really tiring doing most of the work and not really ever getting much in return for it but Whatever Man.  They just re-hired an old cook and also hired my buddy from mosey’s so hopefully they no how to work and things will be better.  If you made it this far, u didn’t really have to read this, my man.  i just needed to get this shit out

[penniesforthestorm]

“I’m officially requisitioning this chicken”: ‘Justified’ Season 1, Episodes 6-9

As we move into the second half of Justified’s first season, things are heating up all over Kentucky. We get more insight into the operations of the Crowder clan, plus some even larger adversaries who’ll come into play further down the line. These notes cover Episodes 6 through 9, the next batch will be 10-12, with the finale getting its own entry. Notes on the pilot are here and Episodes 2-5 can be found here. Drop me a line any time-- if I could be sitting next to you in a dive bar, I would be. (Not much for Jim Beam, though, or, if I’m being honest, bourbon in general, owing to some unfortunate shenanigans in my early 20s. Mine’s a Jameson and ginger ale, with a squeeze of lime.)

Episode Six: “The Collection”

-We open with Raylan visiting Boyd, on his feet again after the shooting, and Boyd bending Raylan’s ear about his newfound ministry. Raylan doesn’t buy it for a minute, and he asks Boyd for dirt on Arlo.

-Raylan passes along Johnny Crowder’s warning to Ava about Bo-- she’s not overly concerned. Art, coming to pick Raylan up for the day’s work, is not terribly pleased to find Ava in his motel room.

-Case of the week: civil forfeiture, centering on a man named Owen Carnes trying to offload paintings purchased with stolen cash. Art and Raylan pick up a gallery owner, Karl Hanselman (Robert Picardo) in Cincinnati, and drive him down to Carnes’ place. Carnes and the gallery owner begin discussing his collection of Hitler paintings. Art, in disbelief, asks, “You mean Adolf?”

-Raylan, disgusted, wanders out and finds Carnes’ wife, who doesn’t seem particularly surprised or upset at the turn of events. I have in my notes “another blonde in trouble Jesus Raylan”--there’s nothing untoward, but... dude.

-On the way back to Cincinnati, Hanselman tells Raylan, with a smirk, to come see his “collection” any time. Raylan, never one to mince words- “I’d rather stick my dick in a blender.”

-Raylan finally meets ADA Vasquez, after some folderol at the office involving the now very dead Owen Carnes. Later, Winona shows up, asking Raylan to run a list of names through various criminal databases. Raylan visits Gary, and informs him that if Winona comes to grief through association with any of Gary’s shady dealings, Gary’s going to make another enemy.

-Back at the Carnes place, Raylan unravels the scam Caryn Carnes and the horse trainer, Greg Davis, are trying to pull-- he knows Owen didn’t kill himself, and he pulls Davis to his side by telling him, in an abstract way, about Gary, and how many more people he might have to kill. “Where will it end?” he asks.

-Finally, he goes to see Hanselman, and reluctantly agrees to see ‘the collection’. This is a great moment- the camera stays on Hanselman and Raylan as H. explains how his father used to work for Hitler, “a very charismatic man who knew who was to blame”. After the war, dad recanted publicly, but held onto his repugnant views in private. The camera then shows us shelves of glass jars filled with ash-- Hanselman has been tracking down Hitler’s paintings and burning them, in revenge.

-Raylan goes to see Boyd, and asks him to forget about Arlo. “I met a man whose whole life was crippled,” he explains. “I’m just going to let that old dog lie.”

Episode Seven: “Blind Spot”

-We open with Ava in the hardware store. Johnny Crowder comes in and loudly asks the proprietor for some specialty items-- rope, duct tape, plastic sheeting, and a shovel, on orders from the soon-to-be released Bo Crowder. Aunt Helen sees his bluff and raises him, aiming a shotgun at him-- a warning he wisely heeds.

-Later, Raylan visits Ava and she talks about Bowman, explaining that things weren’t miserable all the time. “I keep going back and forth, between light and dark,” she tells him. Just as they’re getting comfy, a masked intruder bursts in, blasting away, but Raylan manages to wrestle him out through the open second-floor window, firing off a few shots.

-Sheriff Mosley takes Raylan to question Johnny Crowder. On the drive, he explains his beef with the Crowders-- a certain Henry, widely known as ‘the good Crowder’, raped and killed Mosley’s ten-year-old niece. Johnny, for his part, knows nothing about the shooting, and confesses his affection for Ava.

-the next morning, we see a man watching Ava outside the Harlan County Sheriff’s Office. We then catch up to the actual shooter-- a cringing kid called Red, and we get a name for Ava’s watcher, Mr. Duke.

-Raylan gets chewed out by Art, since he has now literally tampered with the investigation against Boyd Crowder-- “Were you in her bedroom?” Unusually, Raylan has no smarty rejoinder.

-Ava and Winona share a strained conversation in the courthouse-- “You ever get tangled up with a law enforcement officer?” Winona asks. They’re interrupted by Sheriff Mosley, who asks Ava to come with him.

-Raylan visits Boyd, looking for answers. After a false start, Boyd explains that Bo didn’t order Ava to be shot, and plants a flea in Raylan’s ear-- what if Ava wasn’t the target?

-Answers arrive quickly: Mosley is in cahoots with the Miami cartel. Duke was supposed to kill Raylan, but, since Duke isn’t familiar with Kentucky, Mosley supplied Red. Mosley shoots Duke to prevent his mistake being exposed, and hatches a plan to bring Raylan to the cartel. Red, driving a bound and gagged Ava, gleefully expounds on Ava’s desirability among the straight men of Harlan County. Ava frees herself enough to strangle him, and the chase ends with Raylan and Ava free and Mosley under arrest. In a passing comment, Mosley brings up the Dixie Mafia, and their current alliance with Miami.

-Finally, we meet Bo Crowder (M.C. Gainey). Boyd’s ongoing conversations with Raylan have not gone unnoticed by his fellow inmates, and just as they start beating on him for being a snitch, Bo intervenes. “It’s good to see you, Daddy,” Boyd says with a smile.

Episode Eight, “Blowback”

-At a diner in Lexington, the newly-released Bo slides into a booth with Ava. He’s out early courtesy of Mosley’s arrest, and he delivers a truly nasty innuendo about ‘homemade pie’ before Raylan arrives on the scene.

-Case of the week: a prisoner, Cal Wallace (Deadwood’s W. Earl Brown), is in Lexington for a few hearings, pending transfer to a ‘supermax’ facility.

-Winona arrives home in the middle of the afternoon, to find an unexpected guest-- Wynn Duffy (Jere Burns), self-styled ‘home security consultant’ and possessor of a luxuriant blond coiffure. Right away, Winona smells a rat, and sends Duffy packing, but not before he snidely sends his regards to Gary.

-Prisoner Wallace places the Marshals’ Office under a hostage situation, and Art tells Raylan that if he gets a clear shot, he should take it. Raylan, due for a meeting with Vasquez, begins chatting with Wallace, attempting to defuse the situation. Wallace is a colorful sort-- he has no particular illusions about escape or amnesty. Eventually, Raylan teases out that Wallace is furious with the prison system for dehumanizing him, and under mounting pressure, offers Wallace some fried chicken, sending Tim Gutterson out to get it before Lexington SWAT arrives.

-Winona confronts Gary about Duffy’s visit-- he initially tries to play dumb, but then gets irritated when he realizes how much she knows. Duffy was on the list of names that Winona gave to Raylan in E6.

-Another parable from the Book of Raylan Givens: “People in terrible situations stay alive not because they think things will get better, but because they want to see how the story ends.” For now, Cal Wallace’s story ends in fried chicken, a shot of bourbon, and not dying on the carpet.

-Unfortunately for Raylan, he still has to meet with Vasquez, who brings bad news: thanks to Raylan hopping into bed with Ava, the case against Boyd Crowder has essentially disappeared. Raylan goes to greet an ebullient Boyd. “Who are any of us to fight the will of God?” Boyd proclaims. Raylan promises that he’ll see Boyd locked up again before long, as Boyd practically skips into his father’s arms.

Episode Nine: “Hatless”

-Raylan, on a week’s suspension, is drinking away his sorrows when he eavesdrops on two bros talking derogatorily about women. “I didn’t order assholes with my whiskey”, he sneers, and all three go outside. Hilariously, it’s the middle of the afternoon. In short order, Raylan gets the tar kicked out of him, and one of the troublemakers even steals his hat. Winona, who he was supposed to meet, finds him on the ground. (One has to wonder how many times she found him in these exact circumstances.)

-at Raylan’s motel, Winona asks him about Duffy as she tends to his wounds. As yet, he doesn’t know much, but it paints an unpleasant picture.

-Gary, meanwhile, goes to visit his old college friend Toby, a former football star. He’s trying to worm money out of him, but Toby tells him he can’t spare any. He offers, instead, to provide a little intimidation.

-Raylan tracks down Duffy in his shabby office. Duffy’s lackey makes a few menacing remarks, and Raylan, his face still raw from the bar fight, calmly says, “I already got one ass-kicking; I’m not looking for another”, but mentions that if Duffy goes after Gary and Winona, they’ll have more to discuss. After Raylan leaves, Duffy orders his pal to tail him and ‘put him in the ground’.

-Duffy makes a phone call to his boss, a Mr. Arnett, asking him for more instructions. Gary shows up with Toby, who gets slightly carried away with his role as a heavy. Gary, meanwhile, blabbers on about how Arnett could double his money on the land deal if he just waits.

-And it’s our buddy Arnold Pinter, back from a disappointing sojourn in Tahiti. (An aside: in my experience after more than a decade in NY, there are few people more parochial than born-and-raised Brooklynites. And, y’know, fair dues, it’s a great place, but it’s really fucking funny to this Montanan.) Pinter gives Raylan the rundown on Duffy and Arnett-- Arnett is with the Dixie Mafia, operating out of Frankfort, and Duffy is a dangerous loose cannon.

-Raylan tracks down Duffy’s sidekick Billy, who turns out not to be so tough on his own-- he reveals that Duffy plans to kidnap Winona that very night. Raylan immediately goes to get Winona. On the drive to safety, she tries to explain why she’s with Gary, and says maybe the most devastating thing she’s said so far, “I needed a little hope in my life.”

-After a talk, Raylan and Gary go to confront Duffy and Arnett. Gary offers Arnett the deed to his proposed ‘shopping destination’, and to everyone’s surprise, Arnett accepts. Duffy quite literally goes ballistic, screaming at Arnett, “Show me the Benjamins the homies are always rapping about!” But cooler heads (eventually) prevail, and Raylan takes Gary back to Winona.

-Finally, Raylan recovers his stolen hat, thanks to the bartender. He mocks the thief, saying, “That’s a ten-gallon hat on a twenty-gallon head.”

[jejublr]

KBBQ Owner!Hoshi

A/N: This might be a new AU I’m starting idk but I got this idea from an interview where the members told the interviewer what jobs they’d do if they weren’t an idol. Maybe this might turn into a Odd Jobs!Seventeen??

Ok remember that interview when Soonyoung said he’d be a Korean BBQ owner if he wasn’t an idol? 

Bc I do

CAN YOU IMAGINE THOUGH???

Quit his previous job and decided to open his business on a whim

“Don’t worry, guys, I can feel it in my bones!”

Proceeds to use every single penny in his bank account to open up a Korean BBQ shop

It’s a humble shop just on a corner of a street

It’s the traditional type; one with the open entrance and where you can smell the scent of beef grilling over a griller from miles away

Also one where people get drunk and have drunken fights all the time but we’ll get to that later ;)

Anyways

The customers like him a lot bc he’s so nice and friendly and so fun to be around and has such a nice face to look at tbh

Also because Soonyoung likes to impulsively treat the whole restaurant to a free round of beer on a Friday night high at 10:10

“THE NEXT ROUND OF BEER IS ON THE HOUSE”

*cue everyone cheering*

Cries over his bank account the next morning lol

But they like him because he’d be that guy who sites next to a customer on the booth and listens as they drunkenly ramble and cry

^then proceeds to call a taxi to get the customer home safely when they’re done awww

And tbh his business is running mostly thanks to that one guy (Seokmin??) who always comes after dark and orders by randomly shouting “PORK BELLY,” out of nowhere while throwing his hands up

It’s a sight to behold

Basically Seokmin is Soonyoung’s loyal patron now

Honestly if it wasn’t for Seokmin, Soonyoung would’ve been broke a long time ago

Soonyoung hangs around Seokmin whenever he’s in the shop, neglecting his duties

They’d joke around a lot and they like being lOUD

Sometimes Soonyoung forgets he’s not a customer lmao

Soonyoung does all the work; cashier, waitress, everything.

Even though, he never complains bc he actually enjoys running his business

He never told anyone how exhausted he always feels despite his easy-going demeanor

How he always stay late, serving then cleaning up the shop by himself at wee hours into the morning

How he sometimes struggles to pay the bills

And how he sometimes wishes he has a someone by his side to support him

SOMEONE PROTEC HIM T^T

BUT THIS IS WHERE YOU COME IN, READER

So you’re actually one of his good friends

And one day you had enough bc a literal child is actually running a business??

Someone needs to be the responsible one in here

So one day you came up to him at the cashier and said

“Soonyoung, I had enough of watching you working yourself to the ground and treating people beer when you obviously can't afford it >:( Move out of the way.”

And you literally shoved him aside and took his position on the cashier stool as The Cashier™

On one side he was offended bc you literally just dethroned him but at the same time he felt Blessed™

Bc you literally just dropped everything to help him in the shop??

And that’s the story on how you became his manager

You’re basically the brake Soonyoung needed

You help him stop from blowing the budget

You take care of the cash book, weekly expenditures and how much Soonyoung spends treating people to free beers

The customers were disappointed bc they’re getting free beers no more but thought you guys look cute together lmao

You could say you guys bicker like an old married couple??

“Soonyoung, that beef is for the customer.”

“Buh mm hngghry.”

“Please, chew before you talk.”

You suspect some of the customers came just for the show but they live for it tbh

But there were days when you both just let loose

“Y/N, doesn’t these samgyeopsal look like Minghao’s hair??”

“IT DOES!!!”

And you both laughed so hard that it made the drunk customers really confused???

Bc they’re the ones supposed to be drunk?? Not you two

It was inevitable that you eventually became close friends with Seokmin, too

Like, it’s so amusing to watch them do their dumb s***

You don’t need a TV or anything; they’re entertaining enough

And you don’t think you had ever laughed so much in your life until now?? And you just feel so happy at where you are now despite the struggle??

You admit to yourself that being with Kwon Soonyoung made you feel the happiest you’ve ever been in your life

With his tenacious energy and passion plus that sMILE you just can’t help but have a little crush on him

But you kept those thoughts to yourself

Bc you’ve seen how he already had his plate full with all his responsibilities

You don’t want to burden him :(

Little did you know...

Soonyoung felt like a huge weight was lifted off his shoulders when you swooped in like the hero that you are

You’re literally his savior??

You decided to drop everything to come and help him in the shop and he had never had anybody do such selfless thing for him

And to say he was grateful was an understatement

Because he would literally give you the world

But he couldn’t afford the world

So he gave you the next best thing that he has

His heart

fU**

From the first day that you literally kicked him out of his stool until now, his heart just grew larger and larger for you

And sometimes he just watches you with a fond smile as you serve customers bc ‘wow, I’m so lucky.’

Bc what did he ever do to deserve such a sweet and selfless person as you???

At this point, everybody who goes there ship you guys lol

And some of the customers would flirt with you just to see Soonyoung get riled up

And honestly you let it happen bc frustrated Soonyoung is cute Soonyoung

“YAH! STOP FLIRTING ON MY MANAGER!”

“I’ll shove this coal up your ass so high and make sure that gochunjang isn’t going to be the only thing burning in there.”

And they knew that’s where they had to stop bc he’s not called Kwon Fire for no reason

But ofc they know he’s just joking and everything’s for good fun

Well, at least it was, until one night

Remember when I told you that drunken fights sometimes happen in the shop?

That night, a group of men were having a drink after a long day at work

It’s pretty normal for people to get drunk on a Friday night like this

So you were just doing your job, tending to the customers when one of the men started flirting with you

Now, you’re okay if it’s just for laughs, but he seemed adamant about asking you out

And you started to feel very uncomfortable and as if he sensed your distress, Soonyoung came out of the kitchen

And imagine his surprise when he saw this punk trying to forcefully hit on you when you’re obviously not interested and bothered

So he went all Kwon Fire on the guy

“What do you think you’re doing?!”

“Asking what such a pretty thing doing in a place like this.” the man slurred, gesturing towards you

Sonyoung’s heart grew a little heavy as if agreeing; ‘they deserve so much more than this tiny cramped up place.’

“You better stay away. Before you regret it.”

“Why should I?” the guy slurred

“Because they’re mine.” Soonyoung glared

And you guessed when someone hadn’t had proper sleep in a week they would look pretty scary when angered so that’s why the guy looked like he might’ve peed in his pants in front of everyone the next second if he hadn’t scurry our of the shop before Soonyoung do that himself

It was over, but you were still pretty shook bc did he really just?? 

Your heart broke a little thinking that it might just be an act

When you met his eyes, you’re ready to compliment on his acting but he caught you off-guard by taking your hands into his large ones

“What I said earlier? It was all true. I care about you. I like you, a lot. And I don’t care if you don’t like me back because I understand that I’m not–”

You cut him off with a hug and were like “I like you a lot, too.”

And Soonyoung’s speechless bc

W hat. They like me back!

And neither of you made any move that would indicate that you’d break the hug anytime soon

And the customers were really stunned

Bc whoop, the grill isn’t the only thing getting hot in here, let’s  l e a v e

You both didn’t even realize the customers started leaving bc you’re too wrapped up in each other’s embrace

And a soft trot music from the cd shop across the street played in the background

And you guys were tired and sweaty and you both smelled like grilled meat but you don’t mind

And Soonyoung swore to himself he’d make you the happiest person in the whole wide world

Even though he felt as if he did not have much thing to offer

But you wouldn’t trade it for the world

Because you know

Here, in the humble corner barbeque shop, struggling to make ends meet at times

But this is where you belong

[owknox]

➨ BASICS

FULL NAME: Owen Knox.

AGE: Forty-one.

BIRTHDAY: August 5th.

ZODIAC SIGN: Leo.

GENDER: Male.

SEXUAL ORIENTATION: Heterosexual.

RELIGION: Athiest.

➨ APPEARANCE

FACECLAIM: Tom Hardy.

EYE COLOR(S): Blue-green.

HAIR COLOR(S): Brown.

BODY BUILD: Muscular w/ a bodybuilder type of physique.

HEIGHT: 5′9″.

WEIGHT: 210lb.

SCARS/BIRTHMARKS:  None.

BODY MODIFICATIONS: Front, Back.

ADDICTIONS: While it’s not to be considered an addiction in his eyes as he has control over himself and his habits, he does drink an excessive amount though he does make it a habit to never drink in front of or near his kid. 

➨ BACKGROUND

HOMETOWN: Brooklyn, New York.

LIVING CONDITIONS GROWING UP: As far as he’s concerned four walls and a roof over your head make’s for a pretty decent living situation but by most people’s standards, it was shit. Knox’s father was hardly around and when he was, the man tended to be both mentally and physically abusive to his only child. Mother left when he was just a baby, so it was just the two of them in a shitty apartment trying to survive.

LIVING CONDITIONS NOW: Good. Really good. Four walls and a roof makes for decent living but Knox doesn’t want his kid to live decently. While he’s unable to afford a mansion like the kid probably deserves, he does try to give his kid what he can. With a room for himself, his ‘baby mother’, his kid, and his weights, despite not caring all too about comfort and the likes, Knox makes an effort for his kid. He keeps the place as tidy as he can, keeps the fridge stocked with more than just beer, and he made sure that the backyard is big enough not only to house the giant ass toy jeep he got for the kid but also has more than enough space for a play area and eventually a pool down the line. 

PREVIOUS OCCUPATION(S): US Marine but was dishonorably discharged.

CURRENT OCCUPATION(S): Owner of The Torch and Enforcer for Hell’s Angels (?)

➨ RELATIONSHIPS

BIRTH ORDER: Only child

SIBLINGS: Only Child.

FATHER: Logan Knox (deceased)

MOTHER: ??? (deceased - didn’t know her.)

SIGNIFICANT OTHER(S): Reese Sawyer (Ex-Girlfriend and ‘baby momma’)

CHILDREN: Grayson Knox/4 years old  (Technically, the kid isn’t his and he knows damn well that the kid isn’t his but he takes care of him regardless cause as far as he’s concerned that’s his son. Blood don’t matter.) 

PET(S): Black Great Dane named Ares that’s strictly his but he’s considering getting another for the kid. 

➨ PERSONALITY

POSITIVE TRAITS: ambitious, confident, observant, stoic, adaptable.

NEGATIVE TRAITS: aggressive, brutal, arrogant, compulsive,  unpredictable.

LIKES: food, working out, making his money, his 'family’, and keep things honest, he likes hurting people - sue him, it’s fun. 

DISLIKES: Just about everything else tbh.

QUIRKS: Yeeting people off buildings?

FEARS: something happening to the people he cares about. 

SECRETS: not really. he’s an open book. 

➨ BULLET POINTS

Shitty childhood. Father was pissed cause his wife walked out on him and left him to care for his kid alone and in return, father decided that being an absolute dick to his kid was justified and that because the kid was left behind too, kid’s obviously at fault for wife deciding to leave. While it never made sense in Owen’s head, it made sense to his father. As a result of his father’s bullying, Owen learned to take his anger out on others and was constantly at odds with those in charge. When HS came around and he was finally expelled for his bad behavior in his final year, rather than move on and get his GED, knowing he was in shape and he wasn’t bout to try living under his father’s roof any longer, he applied for the marines instead.  

Excelling at being a marine but lacking the enthusiasm expected of him for serving his country, it didn’t take long for his fellow marines who happened to be ‘go team america’ to get pissed at him and resent him for his lackadaisical attitude toward everything. While Knox worked hard specifically cause it was expected of him, they worked hard to honor their country and for some of them, serving was an honor in itself. Content to ignore them, Knox continued to do so up to the day they took things too far. Some years after he had joined and been shipped out numerous times, it was one night on leave that his fellow comrades in arms found themselves feeling brave. Approaching him while he was out at a bar minding his own business, they chose to pick a fight with him. While Knox was easily able to handle his own, as a result of his actions, one of the men who happened to fight with him managed to scramble his brains on the edge of a table after catching a hard hook to the face. Accident though it may have been, given his inebriated state, his lack of ability to work with others, and the fact that he showed little remorse over what happened, the powers that be decided to crack down on him when the sentencing came. 

Placed behind bars for a couple years, and then tossed away with a dishonorable discharge upon release Knox with nowhere to go returned home. With his father gone, no work experience, and a dishonorable discharge to his name finding ‘honorable’ work was hard. Needing money and having little or no options presented before him, Knox decided that honest work wasn’t for him and instead went to his father’s ‘motorcycle club’ looking for help. Joining up with them, he found work in helping them do their dirty work. For years he worked with ‘em and even went as far as to consider them his found family till the wife of their club leader decided to act out of turn. In a jealous fit, she decided to hurt the girl Knox happened to be sleeping around with. Loyal even to thots, Knox snapped back at her. Between killing the man the woman had sent to hurt his girl, to stabbing the woman in her stomach and carving his initial there too, and even going as far to beat the shit out of her husband aka his club leader in a packed supermarket – Knox thinking he was handling things properly burnt every bridge he had out of loyalty. When there were no more bridges left and his girl happened to escape while she could, Knox alone figured it was best he dip instead of finishing that fight. 

Finding a new home in Port Charles it was there that he met Reese. Starting up a ‘relationship’ with the woman, what was originally supposed to be a purely sexual thing happened to turn into more. Coming to care for the woman, despite her breaking things off with him in order to stay loyal to her original boy, Knox ever-loyal still made himself there for her. So there for her that when she came to him sometime later explaining that she was pregnant and the father happened to be a complete fucking asshole she could never trust around herself and her future kid, that Knox with hesitation agreed to help out. Making the man disappear in a way only he could, knowing the dude had connections that would likely try to get back at Reese or attempt to take the kid out of retaliation for something or another, Knox told her she was free to put the child under his name instead. 

Quick to see the kid as his own despite knowing damn well that he wasn’t, despite being told that he in no way had to pretend or even involve himself in the kid’s life in any matter, Knox still did so regardless of it all. The kid wasn’t his by blood, but he had his name and that was more than enough for Knox to step into a fatherly role for him. Keeping by his son’s side, he had every intention of staying there for the rest of his life if not for his past coming back to bite him in his ass. Though he’d been ready to put everything behind him and leave it there, other’s who’d been wronged by him weren’t so keen on that idea. After a drive-by that could have ended very badly for himself and for his boy, Knox knew sticking around with a target on his back wasn’t an option. With a promise to come back, he dipped off back home. It was there that he handled things like he should have before he left. Though it took him some time to get it done, Knox managed to put bullets in both his former club leaders back and his little wife too before squashing what was left of the beef he had with the rest of the club. With the two main antagonists gone, both sides saw little reason to keep things going as they were. 

Safe and more importantly sound at long last, Knox returned for his kid. Buying a place big enough for his child and leaving it up to Reese to move in with him or not, Knox worked on trying to lead an honest life. However, once again, he was met with the same problem he’d found himself with years back. How the fuck did honest people make money? Especially since he’d used the last of what he had in order to buy his place. Once again left with no other choice, he turned back to an MC. Coming to the Hells Angels and joining up, he worked with them and eventually saved up enough to buy the Torch. 

➨ RECENT EVENTS 

Recruited various workers from the casino to report to him when big wigs come through. When they come in, they report to Owen and Owen tell’s ‘em to suggest the Torch as a place to visit. When they eventually come and visit, he scopes them out and decides how he wants to handle them. Sometimes he outrights robs them, sometimes he uses the strippers at his place to entrap and blackmail them and then sometimes when the mood strikes or Elijah happens to be in one of his moods, they rob ‘em and kill ‘em.  Either way, he’s making a literal killing so far on using the casino and his connections there. (Elijah knows about this but idk if the big boss does. ) 

Casino workers also willing to work with the club to point out various people with debts to be recruited and used for various tasks and just in general. They also report to Owen. (Has yet to inform Elijah or the big boss bout this. It’s on his to-do list tho.) 

Monroe (?) came into his home and threatened to take his kid away from him because of all the shady shit Knox and Reese tend to do in the name of the club. Knox not about to have his kid taken from him by anyone shot her for her bullshit. 

[cnisms]

bye ... i’m truly done taking up muses ... these are short n poorly written but i did them ! i’ll eventually add more information on everyone when i finally get around to finishing muse pages but honestly ? this is all u need to know for now. again, if u wanna plot, just hmu :P a few mentions of drugs n alcoholism but nothing descriptive. here’s percy, zach, ajay, luke, bunny, paris & luma ! (i’ve added gwen, helena n gia too just so they’re all in one place bc i’m lazy)

FINN COLE, CIS MALE, HE/HIM — have you met perseus sage nichols yet ? the twenty-two year old is known for being both astute and jocular, but also very obstreperous and arrogant. born in melbourne, percy now lives in kensington, working as a junior management consultant.  comes from a nice family that he will always be pissed off at for very little reason. has beef w his dad for not providing even tho he really did, it was just never enough for percy. is exactly the type of dude that got mad when leo didn’t win the oscar for wolf. just wanted to be dumb rich n coked out. v smart and got an international scholarship at a good university, by the time he got kicked out for being a rowdy asshole, he’d helped his friends develop some legit apps (the most successful one being a dating app which two yrs later is really just a meme) and they suddenly had a lot of money, he just bought his way back in. bc he was in charge of the business side of things, it was easy enough for him to screw over his friends n walk away w most of what was left when their success went down the drain. got a job as a management consultant at a big, scary firm in london mostly thanks 2 his reputation. is a known ugly n ruthless n desperate to be at the top n live in disgusting luxury. can’t talk to his family or old pals without Wanting To Die bc he’s so committed to this new life he’s created for himself. is literally awful if he doesn’t like u, still awful just in a less hurtful n more annoying way if he does. doesn’t know when to stop. always forgetting n probably trying to hide the fact that he’s not a trust fund baby like all the people he hangs with now. literally just clyde oberholt ?

JAMIE BLACKLEY, CIS MALE, HE/HIM — have you met zachary vaughn baltazar yet ? the twenty-five year old is known for being both unostentatious and sincere, but also very self-deprecating and uncouth. born in berlin, zach now lives in southwark, working as a telemarketer. the nice guy who is always getting rekt (he wrecking himself lbr) is Um .. a v talented writer but is happy just shitting on his work n never exploring his potential bc why bother when he has the ideal amount of friends n weed atm right ? given up and is convinced he is satisfied, will accept any invitation. still won’t let you live tho. has opinions on ur choices and will probably share them behind ur back. somehow feels underappreciated by everyone even tho he truly believes there is nothing to appreciate. omg have a cry and grow up. king of impressive first dates n writes rlly romantic poetry but is either ghosting or getting ghosted the following week bc he is dry and confused. doesn’t know if this is really what he wants/doesn’t feel like he deserves what he wants. close with his family but tries to force more n more distance bc he can’t stand their #drama... or any drama that doesn’t give him an edge Actual Of Ly. the ders of the squad probably.

RAHUL KOHLI, CIS MALE, HE/HIM — have you met ajay charles johal yet ? the thirty year old is known for being both urbane and jovial, but also very restless and quixotic. born in chennai, ajay now lives in newham, as an airline pilot. moved to london w his parents when he was v young, spent all of his teenage yrs feeling guilty for no reason just like watching all his parents did for him to be happy n healthy ? never got over the guilt. is just a v feeling person ig ! anyways he was so committed to helping his parents out, which was rlly truly the only thing he’s ever committed to in his life. needed enough money to support all three of them but rlly had no idea how to go about it. pilot was just one of the ideas handed to him back in high school n he went with it bc he knew he’s never actually settle on anything. turned out ok bc he likes being able 2 actually get the entire hell away from his problems. a v flighty person (aha... classic) and doesn’t have many close relationships bc of it. v respected ... v respectful ... quality lad but can be a lil immature under it all. wish he’d stop feeling bad just bc he has GOOD parents.

TOBY REGBO, CIS MALE, HE/HIM — have you met luciano andrius falley yet ? the twenty-five year old is known for being both genial and cultivated, but also very irksome and delphic. born in naples, luke now lives in camden, as a struggling actor and annoying historian. tragic backstory ? never heard of that. comes from a supportive ($$$ n <333) family who probably only pay for the many flights for all his long ass self discovery backpacking trips bc deep down they can’t put up with him anymore. is a super friendly n outgoing person, the type that is literally always reading a book he only half understands but will bring up what he has learned from it at one of his MANY dinner parties where ur only option is CHICKEN and lots of wine while he refuses to SHUT THE FRICK UP. cute ! kinda very judgemental but will just sigh n let u fuck up. “not to get political but...” is always like Hm Yes ! I Love Hearing Other People’s Stories ! but when ? when does he hear anything other than his own voice ? he probably gives himself lectures on intersectional feminism when he’s home alone he just doesn’t stop. honestly he only ever means well n ig he’s interesting enough but Really... fake struggling yet still pretentious aesthetics.

MARGOT ROBBIE, CIS FEMALE, SHE/HER — have you met elizabeth celine leblanc ? the twenty-seven year old is known for being both coruscating and ardent, but also very egocentric and bourgeois. born in seattle, bunny now lives in southwark, as an influential homemaker. boozy housewife. spent her childhood living below the poverty line before her father began helping ppl smuggle drugs into america. he built his own big operation off of that (with a hygiene product company as a cover) and was successful enough to squash the few people it pissed off. business spread to europe n then when he was ready to retire and the south gang was interested, he had elizabeth marry into it before he sold the operation just to make sure he would always be taken care of. it got handed down to her husband bc she wasn’t interested in any legit roles (her asshole fathers fault honestly ? he wouldn’t have given her control even if she wanted it) and she just went along with whatever would keep her from returning to her Humble Beginnings. is very “i do whatever i have to in order to survive” n by survive she means never actually work n just waltz around a mansion in designer gowns all day. materialistic n v selfish. fake charitable for her socialite image. doesn’t cook, but is always sharing recipes. has no real interest in the soap she pretends to make. is consistently fake. literally gets zero joy from anything that isn’t spending money. could probably be happy if she could escape her family’s ugly beliefs n misogynistic practices n she’s getting there but just . slowly. hates the nickname bunny, but i’m forcing the meme.

MIMI ELASHIRY, CIS FEMALE, SHE/HER — have you met paris nefret bayoumi yet ? the twenty year old is known for being both beneficent and equable, but also very disengaging and inelegant. born in alexandria, paris now lives in greenwich, practicing herbalism. also works at the rosado but whom cares ? not her ! all she cares abt are the HERBS. was raised by her grandmother who was a Kitchen Witch (as in .. u know ... this isnt a supernatural rp But that woman was a witch !) so she’s always practiced similar hobbies but now she’s all about making her friends custom teas ! n yea paris likes to claim that she’s also a witch. is extra but in a calm n collected way. serene at all times but unintentionally sardonic. not super bright but has plenty of advice for every problem. seems to enjoy oversharing and yet no one knows exactly whats the deal w her parents (criminals that have always been n remain in hiding, some people think they’re straight up pirates now) or anything serious in her life rlly . but u wanna know what russells burp smelt like last week ? she’s about to tell u.

SOFIA BLACK-D'ELIA, CIS FEMALE, SHE/HER — have you met luma camille pontecorvo yet ? the twenty-three year old is known for being both optimistic and dexterous, but also very prevaricating and overindulged. born in quebec city, luma now lives in waltham forest, working in retail.  ah , another brat . she was left w her much older half brother n his wife when he mom dipped when she was fourteen n honestly they felt so bad n also had no idea how to handle her so they just . gave her everything she wanted without question. she had her mothers bad attitude n reckless habits tho n when she started getting her nieces n nephews in trouble once they were all in college together, her brother Politely kicked her out of their lives by offering to set her up anywhere she wanted “for the Experience”. she picked london n quickly got a job at a kingsley store n has been working there for a few yrs now. now also deals party drugs at clubs for the north family n she rlly lets that be the focus of her life, so she’s always showing up to her day job late n overtired. doesn’t ever really lie but rarely tells the whole truth. ig she would be fun to hang out with but she’s probably a fair bit cunty. doesn’t care about ur feelings, has very few of her own, just here for a meme. truthfully she’s angry abt everyone ditching her but it gets ugly whenever the topic comes up n dark!luma is an actual thing that makes an appearance.

MADCHEN AMICK, CIS FEMALE, SHE/HER — have you met gwendolyn griet hathaway yet ? the forty-three year old is known for being both reverent and winsome, but also very acquisitive and ambivalent. born in las vegas, gwen now lives in richmond upon thames, managing a record label. also known as gwen nash. mother to gertrude bc we meme too hard. born in nevada, her own momther bailed early n then her father disappeared when she was fourteen (she’s always been sure he was murdered by a biker gang but no one believed her n kept saying he just ran off on her but ! the story comes up whenever she drinks still) n she ended up just getting a cleaning job in a motel n taking care of herself. eventually she met a nice older couple who sort of took her in. they were responsible for a lot of jazz artists n she stanned them hard ? sang for them for a short while n eventually married their son mostly bc she wanted to actually be part of the family yikes… anyway they had a Beautiful Daughter together obviously n eventually got control of the label n thats all they rlly share now post separation. tragic n twenty years later than everyone expected . anyway she’s lurkin about london, lookin for talent n trying to fix her relationship with gertrude (i’d hate my mom if she named me that too … no a fence) n just drinkin wine ig ! she’s very … impulsive and only ever thinks about herself in the moment but otherwise ? she can be kind n caring but Ya . her habit of just jumping into things for her own pleasure generally hurts other people so she’s a lot of strained relationships. still seems v standoffish mostly bc she’s Um . Scared Of Everything. literally does not matter how much shit she sees ? permanently spooked. lowkey cruel sense of humor but she just seems so gentle 95% of the time that when she makes a sick joke ur like Oh she doesn’t realize how bad that sounds ! hates memes.

LILY JAMES, CIS FEMALE, SHE/HER — have you met helena therese o’shea yet ? the twenty-six year old is known for being both cultivated and strong-willed, but also very callous and tenacious. born in chicago, helena now lives in wandsworth, working at erstead’s and planning birthday parties. a tragedy. always had it in her head that she was better than everyone else (especially her brother ) but never fully committed to the brat act, like she never threw tantrums or asked for too much, v well mannered n proper but it’s always been obvious that she’s permanently disgusted by everyone except for herself. sometimes also disgusted by herself tho. will say something cringeworthy n just about put a hit on herself for it. was a v successful wedding planner for a while, her business took off rlly quick thanks to a few helpful connections. got engaged herself 3 years ago and cut off most of her family n all her old friends to start this new amazing life she always thought she deserved ? sike. after three years of putting off the wedding, she got dumped n came home to work @ erstead’s bc she’s like well if i’m gonna crash this hard i might as well hit rock bottom ! plans birthday parties for children occasionally. hates children. hates everything. fun ? never experienced that emotion. barely tries to make up with the people she wronged bc despite setting herself back 6 yrs, she still thinks she’s above everyone else. loves to complain. doesn’t really have much going for her honestly other than ? total commitment to whatever it is that’s happening in her life. obviously that’s not workin out for her rn ?

CHARLI XCX, CIS FEMALE, SHE/HER — have you met georgiana lalaine visariya yet ? the twenty-three year old is known for being both jocund and unfeigned, but also very vexatious and lowbrow. born in kiev, gia now lives in soho, being extra on youtube.  gia is honestly .. a headache. she was always a v creative person, ‘expressing herself’ n doin’ the most when literally no one asked ever. she started vlogging two years ago n got bored quickly so instead she decided to start her own (fake) reality series on youtube ? she handled everything by herself at first n reached out to hot local people who were popular on instagram n youtube to star in it WITH HER and only got a few people in on it but ? it took off. now she has a whole crew n writers n what not working on it with her (even tho most of the time she will take over every part of the production n handle it herself again) n it gets her good money (especially bc she’s shameless n stays making sure she’s a main in every single episode so she gets those instagram sponsors too) calls herself “““punk lauren conrad””” n is clearly too extra. a very very confident n loud person, super friendly, loves everyone n honestly u can try to drag her but that’s not gonna stop her running up to u in the street next time she sees u n telling you to drop whatever it is ur doing to go get cocktails with her. she’s so … genuine irl that you literally would not belieb how much of the show is scripted n thought up by her w that … interesting … imagination. will annoy u for content.

[rennyji]

family, friends, enemies, the be natural thing, normal tweets

Its June already...another month in "the situation"...June 1st tweets...

You know, with the exception of one or two cousins, most of my family, maybe because of “the situation”?! Is more loyal (for lack of a better word) to my parents, than me. Such is my revelation over the last 11 years. One cousin I lived close to, in India for a while, -

-he’s around my age, and should be a brother I can tell secrets to, or “hooks me up.”Otherwise, he’s a very sincere/caring individual who is a real asset to our family. “Hook up” as in connect me -

- with my kind of women from his multicultural work establishment at TechnoPark or take me to a “todi shop” , where you get special kind of alcohol and spiced beef in this part of India, so that I can get different taste of life, make a memory, and have life experience. -

-He’s attending to my parents desire of keeping me as an individual who prays all day who needs to talk to someone, when that’s one side or nonexistent side to a guy who’s image is facing life’s obstacles in a leather jacket. -

-At this age and in my freakin’ 20’s, he chooses to be like a parent or uncle worried about what my parents think, or doing what my parents want for me, instead of thinking of what I as an individual need. All instead of being a brother or friend, understanding of me. -

-I think he’d try to talk to me or ask me questions to get information for my parents and this undignified “thing” of a situation-very brotherly.-

-On a different note, I mean, he spends a lot of time knowing his kids, but my parents, no offense to them, don’t listen to me when I speak because they’re in a rush to speak or defend, and they don’t know my likes/interests/hobbies.-

-Until recently, my mother didn’t know my favorite color. She’s stubborn to the point where she won’t try to learn either. They may have recently found out about such things like likes/interests/hobbies through the eavesdropping/stalking situation. -

-I mean, for the sake of a point, while in my very early 30s, it’s only now that I even shared with my mom, and not my dad, that I had two girl friends while in college. Some things like that, you cannot share with Indian parents until things get serious -

-and you want to move to the next chapter/adventure. I love my mom and dad, and would die for them and care for them in old age, but they don’t know much about me. My memories of my mom, for instance, are of her cooking, cleaning, buying me clothes,-

-taking me to doctor appointments when sick, and used to paying tuition, and a lot of yelling - ACTUAL BIG THINGS but nothing that requires a heart, it’s a parents duty. I tried telling her that, but no patience. She’s too busy taking it as an insult. -

-When Ive had any kind of problem in life outside of getting me a tutor for school or whatever when struggling, I’ve been on my own. Never helped me with a problem. It’s culturally not allowed to talk to her about problems with a girl friend, fears you may be struggling with,-

-or the cherry on top: talking about “this situation” and its origins. It’s a hard sad d**che bag thing to say, but if I manage to get my own maid, there wouldn’t be much to reminisce over my mom. -

-My dad is too busy philosophizing about family ideals &preaching. I mean he couldn’t dream of making the religious points I do, or no offense, pray “heart fueled” prayers in the mind over “out-loud” mechanical singing/praying out of thinking that makes him a solid human being. -

-Both my parents need to listen more and talk less. When I share something I like or about myself with my mom, she’ll be like, why are you telling me or will hammer @ something while I’m talking, literally. I mean I tried correcting things with my mom by talking to her about it,-

-but you never get through, although forgivable on both sides as and when needed. On a side note, quality of life in India is understood as how religious you are and your spending power. Me using saved potential rent money on fitness equipment-

-and massage guns makes it seem like I have nothing to complain about. It adds to my family being unable to admit to problems, when I mention things to do with a life of meaning. Stuff like that gives life experience and teaches you what you want. -

-In my girl friend/wife, I need a woman who’s patient, listens, comprehends, and so forth...but back to the point about the cousin...-

-I mean, after a certain age, you want friends in ur family. In India, amongst my family, if a relative does a favor like sit with you for a day in mostly silence, at someone else’s suggestion, that means ur best friends.-

-All these random formalities and awkwardness arises with genuinely good, sincere people. My best friends are people who “do stuff with me or for me” and that I can “confide in.” But I guess that’s where you gotta go out and meet people. -

-Family can’t always be as you desire or expect, as life is complicated in its own respective way for everyone, be it through difficult personalities or cultural formalities. People need to find their kinda people to be friends and family. I’ve heard:

-“Friends are the brothers and sisters God forgot to give us.”

what else, what else....

I don’t understand how the orchestrators overpower or left me under my parents. For that, do they meet all the criteria for their entertainment? Did anyone do psychological background checks on everyone involved for something as massive as this? -

-This could take a toll on my parents when they have to betray their son. This could take a toll on the orchestrators after 11 years of failure and lies. I mean parents’ culture restricts them from letting me live the normal American life required of the “show.”-

-For them, it’s religion all day/everyday(Christian that is). While they’ve been in the country for 11  years & dealt with non Indian people, do they understand things or see things the way I have the potential of doing? Did they understand the depth & severity of this project?-

-&like a lot of minority parents, or parents from elsewhere,or who haven’t been in America's love dovy way of handling things for generations, despite myParent’s undeniable love4me &willingness 2give me everything b4 this, theyd beat me as a child if I misbehaved/got a badGrade.-

-There were instances where my dad, who I don’t see any less &just doing his job cuz of what Im used to, beat me w/a hanger till my legs turn red. But when American entertainment officials come along yrs later, does this kind of history check out w/ ur possible background check?-

-Did the orchestrators do their homework at all? Its amidst this kind of setting, that Ill punch a wall once or throw things twice in 11 years after days of provocation. In our normal lives, do the orchestrators think any of this matters or at least 2 us, as people, as a family?-

-For taking eleven years of my life, when I was at my prime, when friends have mine have become lawyers with beautiful couples and children, if I can take that kind of beating and what you did to me through these years along-

-with personal hardships and growth, wait till you see what I do to you, one by mine. Riches and glamour can’t replace 11 years of torment. -

-Life is great, but between the orchestrators and me, it’s kind of like Jefferson Pierce in final few episodes of Black Lightning against Tobias Whale for killing his father and tormenting his family. Jefferson has a life with super powers. But when he loses them, -

-he faces Tobias in a showdown, where he accepts the possibility of death. I am willing to lose everything and end up on the street to see the orchestrators rot in jail for persisting, carelessly, in what is, my life.-

-The orchestrators messed up my youth, my family, my chance at a 4.0 GPA education, the resulting career opportunities, my health, social opportunities, putting me through the indignity of having my world basically on team on speaking terms against me who they never talk to...-

- all for an America that I once compared to heaven because of its potential for altruism and representation from all over. Do the orchestrators realize what they set up today I had already without them years ago? Way to steal my life on "multiple levels."-

-Enjoy the rest of our time together, orchestrators. U, the orchestrators, cowards, hide behind high end tech &possible authority figures or government contracts, but when we’re face 2face, provoke me in person, I dare you, as urself, &me as me, not you doing ur weird mind cr*p.-

-Let’s see if the orchestrators have the b*lls, before one of us undeniably is guaranteed to go down, whoever it is.

moving on ... what else ...

I’m honestly talking about my family and the situation, because after 11 years, through observations and the situation not ending, I’m convinced no one is actually being honest about me.  (I used the word “observations” in the last sentence.-

-Problem with using that word is that the orchestrators will forge the next setting with things for me to pick up on cuz they’re psychotic and refuse to restore the natural setting and normalcy of my life-natural setting is what I’ve been after for 11 years...)-

-I mean what comes to mind in seeing me without any of this in ur head, while not denying/hiding/ what’s happened to me over these 11+ years?! - THATS THE NATURAL SETTING. ONE directive, ONE instruction...and if taking care of what I’m after was ur goal, this is it, ur done. -

-Doesn’t require resources or effort on anyone’s part. It’s just people being themselves- natural.-mentioned/repeated multiple times in old complaints.) 

so now some normal tweets before I get on with my day...

So apparently, a massage gun isn’t a substitute for foam rolling or stretching...

“Tea tree hair and body moisturizer” leave in conditioner is, I think, the greatest hair gel ever. When my hair was thick and long, I used to use tea tree styling wax, topped off with Sebastian potion 9 leave in conditioner...but I really love the tea tree moisturizer...-

-the tea tree moisturizer...you can use it on ur hair and skin...wish this stuff existed ages ago...

The kiehls blue eagle shave cream provides a smoother shave 4“me” than their lotion...they have another version that I just want to try: the white eagle version-$7 more...I put “me” in quotes, cuz it might work for others...i think different men have different kinds of stubble.-

-There’s this one guy working at a coffee shop I go to, who’s got to be having the smoothest cleanest shave. You see no stubble. But I mean the concept of shave lotions are nice cuz you can just wipe off when done. -

With Shave creams over shave lotions, you gotta wash off, and washing ur face and neck in the sink just gets water everywhere.

“Yogibo Support” is good for reading or looking at your phone on your bed. Google it.

I’ve talked about Punjabis and “ pagdiwalas, “ but that being said, if there are any Guju’s like Ameesha Patel, hit me up.

Best combination of an idea: get the DoorDash dash pass free trial for a month and if you have around a $150 rewards from ur credit card, transfer it to DoorDash gift card. It’ll get you 2 weeks of outside food or restaurant food for breakfast, lunch, dinner. -

-Credit card rewards! Take advantage. Nice to use card with benefits-quite an incentive over cash. That’s how I’ve been ordering food, if that too is part of the “entertainment”, not cuz I’m loaded. Just a regular guy under 11 years of hype. -

-Be natural. React in what comes to mind on seeing me, minus pre-exisitng cr*p in ur head, without hiding/denying the existence of that cr*p.

[jonathanbelloblog]

Michigan Winter and the Holidays in Our 2017 Land Rover Discovery

Tip for 2017 Land Rover Discovery owners: Don’t try to install your own roof rack crossbars. Let your dealership’s service department do it, whether or not they charge you. Of course, if you’re a typical Disco driver, you’re probably not calling upon the utility component of the sport/utility vehicle as much as we are.

Your humble servant spent late fall after the run to Tire Rack’s Street Survival School for young drivers, and the first half of winter, piling on the miles. This included a couple of quick weekend runs up to a cottage in the mid-north woods. Last November, I drove the 180 miles north-by-northwest with one of my dogs, Django, along for company so I could empty the water heater and close the place up. Though there was light, slippery snow, and though there are some deep-dirt roads in the neighborhood, this was no off-road expedition of the sort that established this brand’s reputation in the mid-20th Century.

By now, I was lowering the air suspension without thinking about it every time I parked the Disco. At 73.5-inches normal ride height, this makes getting out and getting back in again as easy as climbing aboard a more car-like crossover vehicle.

I’ve grown used to (though I’m still not happy about it) the radio sometimes needing 10 or 20 seconds or more to start up, as if it was a pre-transistor AM tube radio. I haven’t grown used to touchscreen audio, HVAC, and seat-heater controls that require too much diversion of my eyes from the road. I had become used to the turbo lag at tip-in. No more trying to beat cross-traffic if it’s traveling at 40 mph or more.

The air suspension’s generous travel makes the Disco a supremely comfortable ride even on long trips, though of course this comes at the expense of cornering prowess, and while squat and dive are nicely controlled, physics inevitably rules when you’re forced to brake hard. A bit of high center-of-gravity tippiness is part of Land Rover’s DNA, even though engineers have reduced this to a minimum for the modern age.

Fuel economy ranged from as low as 18.6 mpg in early January to 23.4 mpg of mostly freeway driving. There was much idling in cold December and January Michigan weather.

In short, the 2017 Land Rover Discovery HSE Td6 Luxury, especially with that Ford-built and developed turbodiesel V-6 has just about all the luxury and comfort of one of its near-perfect Mercedes-Benz or Lexus rivals, but still with its own character. One doesn’t need to leak oil or dim the headlamps to betray one’s British quirkiness.

Snow came early to Metro Detroit, before the Thanksgiving weekend, and again afterward, into early December. About time for Thanksgiving weekend, the Discovery topped 14,000 miles and the dashboard message center indicated it was time to replace the diesel emissions aftertreatment. It wasn’t yet time for an oil change though, our local dealership service department said.

Meanwhile, “The Disco needs winter tires,” Eric Schwab, AUTOMOBILE’s chief commercial officer declared. He’d been driving the Land Rover as most owners would, with the second-row and sometimes the third-row raised, for local trips with his family or sometimes for a night out with another couple. (With collies for our kids, we usually keep the second and third rows folded.) Four-wheel-drive, Eric knows, will help you get going in deep snow or slippery snow and ice, but it will not help you turn or stop. Eric offered to have Tire Rack’s boffins change out the LR’s Goodyear Eagle F1s for a set of Pirelli Scorpion Winter tires while he visited company HQ in South Bend, Indiana. Total cost for the four Scorpions, size 225/55R-20 on the Discovery’s stock wheels is $918.92 plus tax, mounting and balancing, and includes Tire Rack’s free road hazard protection. With a large fuel tank full of diesel, Eric made the round-trip to South Bend, which is 215 miles each way, without having to refuel until his return.

Meanwhile, the Discovery’s message board continued its countdown to “limp” mode, with 494 miles to go after the Tire Rack trip. Cost to refresh the diesel exhaust fluid would make all but the owners of $80,000 SUVs flinch. It’s was a cool $263.44 plus tax. If you’re the type of armchair economist who compares the fuel economy savings per mile to the higher cost of a diesel option, don’t forget to figure in this aftertreatment, once every 15k.

It may be costlier for buyers of the new 3.0-liter PowerStroke diesel Ford F-150. Based on the same architecture as the 3.0 in our LR Disco, but beefed up to meet the demands of pickup truck owners, the new F-150 turbodiesel needs aftertreatment refills every 10,000 miles, Ford told auto journalists in a December briefing.

You’d maybe have to be the owner/lessee of an $80,000 SUV to not order the accessory crossbars ($389.67), but my wife and I take our dogs along to Wisconsin for the Christmas holidays, and no, we don’t charter a private jet for this purpose. Gifts and luggage go in a Thule rooftop carrier and the collies ride in the back (cue the photo of our annual December 27 visit to Leon’s Frozen Custard). Land Rover kindly shipped me the requisite roof rack crossbars well ahead of the holidays, but because of all its miles on the road, driven by executive editor Mac Morrison over Thanksgiving as well as by Eric Schwab and myself, I didn’t get the Land Rover into our handy Detroit Bureau garage until December 21st. By now, our 4Seasons 2017 Land Rover Discovery had a healthy 15,000 miles on the clock, after six-and-a-half months in service.

Long story short, I spent most of the night in the garage attaching the “clamp on” crossbars—and even then, they weren’t on quite right, though they were on solidly. But then, the next night, after work, I found–cue the wah wah trombones–that I had spaced the two crossbars too far apart for the Thule carrier. Unclamping the rear crossbar and sliding it forward should have been a 20-minute job, but again, it took all night. I was able to clamp them down, but not if I wanted the mechanism to click into place so that I could lock the covers on with the keys. I left them in the clamped/uncovered position, and the next morning hurried over to the local dealer to see if anyone in the service department was working the day before Christmas Eve.

There was, but the service manager said he had never seen a set of crossbars applied to the latest Land Rover Discovery. I drove the Disco to Milwaukee that afternoon, with my wife and our three collies inside, and the rooftop carrier securely on the half-locked crossbars—I checked them constantly—with no issues.

We returned to Metro Detroit on the 28th, and the next day my sister-in-law and her 14-year-old son, Landon, visited for New Years’ weekend. This led to a self-inflicted wound on the Disco. On New Year’s Eve, we prepared to leave for a 10-minute drive to a restaurant for 8 p.m. dinner. Because of our visitors, the second row was, uncharacteristically, up. I began to back out of the driveway, thinking all the doors were closed, but Landon still had the right-rear door open, and I hit a tree stump in our front yard next to the curb. I needed to close the door from outside – it was misaligned.

The day after New Year’s, I Disco’d over to Suburban Jaguar Land Rover, which sent me directly to its contractor body shop nearby, and where I had the best body shop experience, ever. The shop realigned the door for me, no charge, and it opens and closes just like new. I returned to the Suburban JLR service department to have a slow leak in the right rear Pirelli Scorpion patched (nail, $39.99), and the service department finished properly installing the rear roof rack crossbar, for free.

Said service department told me they had a new guy in from California, who is more accustomed to working with these things. I guess it’s true—Californians are more active. Or, they don’t rely on private jets to take their dogs along on vacation. But the service manager admitted the crossbars were hard to install, and even the California expert worked on the rear bar for 40 minutes.

Having thoroughly bonded with the luxurious British off-roader, I reluctantly handed its keys over to Nelson Ireson, who drove it back from the 2018 North American International Auto Show with the all-season tires taking up space in the back. As compensation, I flew out to L.A. in early February to drive back the Four Seasons Mazda CX-5. It’s a nice, actually fun-to-drive two-row SUV, but this one doesn’t even have a roof rack.

OUR 2017 LAND ROVER DISCOVERY HSE Td6 LUXURY

MILES TO DATE 17,011 GALLONS OF FUEL 672 OBSERVED MPG 23.2 FUEL COST TO DATE $1,902.53 AVERAGE COST/GALLON $2.83

MAINTENANCE

DEF refill $269.65

RECALLS and TSBs

Exterior A-pillar molding N042 Deployable luggage compartment floor operating arm N060 Air suspension and adaptive dynamics warning N135

OUT OF POCKET

Winter tires $918.92 Tire patch $39.99

SPECIFICATIONS

AS-TESTED PRICE $79,950 ENGINE 3.0L DOHC 24-valve turbodiesel V-6, 254 hp @ 3,750 rpm/443 lb-ft @ 1,750-2,250 rpm TRANSMISSION 9-speed automatic LAYOUT 4-door, 7-passenger, front-engine 4WD SUV EPA MILEAGE 21/26/23 mpg (city/highway/combined) L x W x H 195.6 x 87.4 x 73.5 in WHEELBASE 115 in WEIGHT 4,916 lb 0-60 MPH 6.9 sec TOP SPEED 133 mph

OUR OPTIONS

360-degree parking aid $275 Activity key $400 Autonomous emergency braking $125 Capability Plus package $1,250 Drive Pro package $2,350 Front center console cooler compartment $350 Full-length black roof rails $400 Full-size spare wheel and tire $440 Head-up display $950 Loadspace cover $150 Loadspace partiton net $100 Namib Orange paint $1,495 Park Assist $800 Rear-seat entertainment $2,270 Rover Tow package $650 Vision Assist package $1,000

  IFTTT

[eddiejpoplar]

Michigan Winter and the Holidays in Our 2017 Land Rover Discovery

Tip for 2017 Land Rover Discovery owners: Don’t try to install your own roof rack crossbars. Let your dealership’s service department do it, whether or not they charge you. Of course, if you’re a typical Disco driver, you’re probably not calling upon the utility component of the sport/utility vehicle as much as we are.

Your humble servant spent late fall after the run to Tire Rack’s Street Survival School for young drivers, and the first half of winter, piling on the miles. This included a couple of quick weekend runs up to a cottage in the mid-north woods. Last November, I drove the 180 miles north-by-northwest with one of my dogs, Django, along for company so I could empty the water heater and close the place up. Though there was light, slippery snow, and though there are some deep-dirt roads in the neighborhood, this was no off-road expedition of the sort that established this brand’s reputation in the mid-20th Century.

By now, I was lowering the air suspension without thinking about it every time I parked the Disco. At 73.5-inches normal ride height, this makes getting out and getting back in again as easy as climbing aboard a more car-like crossover vehicle.

I’ve grown used to (though I’m still not happy about it) the radio sometimes needing 10 or 20 seconds or more to start up, as if it was a pre-transistor AM tube radio. I haven’t grown used to touchscreen audio, HVAC, and seat-heater controls that require too much diversion of my eyes from the road. I had become used to the turbo lag at tip-in. No more trying to beat cross-traffic if it’s traveling at 40 mph or more.

The air suspension’s generous travel makes the Disco a supremely comfortable ride even on long trips, though of course this comes at the expense of cornering prowess, and while squat and dive are nicely controlled, physics inevitably rules when you’re forced to brake hard. A bit of high center-of-gravity tippiness is part of Land Rover’s DNA, even though engineers have reduced this to a minimum for the modern age.

Fuel economy ranged from as low as 18.6 mpg in early January to 23.4 mpg of mostly freeway driving. There was much idling in cold December and January Michigan weather.

In short, the 2017 Land Rover Discovery HSE Td6 Luxury, especially with that Ford-built and developed turbodiesel V-6 has just about all the luxury and comfort of one of its near-perfect Mercedes-Benz or Lexus rivals, but still with its own character. One doesn’t need to leak oil or dim the headlamps to betray one’s British quirkiness.

Snow came early to Metro Detroit, before the Thanksgiving weekend, and again afterward, into early December. About time for Thanksgiving weekend, the Discovery topped 14,000 miles and the dashboard message center indicated it was time to replace the diesel emissions aftertreatment. It wasn’t yet time for an oil change though, our local dealership service department said.

Meanwhile, “The Disco needs winter tires,” Eric Schwab, AUTOMOBILE’s chief commercial officer declared. He’d been driving the Land Rover as most owners would, with the second-row and sometimes the third-row raised, for local trips with his family or sometimes for a night out with another couple. (With collies for our kids, we usually keep the second and third rows folded.) Four-wheel-drive, Eric knows, will help you get going in deep snow or slippery snow and ice, but it will not help you turn or stop. Eric offered to have Tire Rack’s boffins change out the LR’s Goodyear Eagle F1s for a set of Pirelli Scorpion Winter tires while he visited company HQ in South Bend, Indiana. Total cost for the four Scorpions, size 225/55R-20 on the Discovery’s stock wheels is $918.92 plus tax, mounting and balancing, and includes Tire Rack’s free road hazard protection. With a large fuel tank full of diesel, Eric made the round-trip to South Bend, which is 215 miles each way, without having to refuel until his return.

Meanwhile, the Discovery’s message board continued its countdown to “limp” mode, with 494 miles to go after the Tire Rack trip. Cost to refresh the diesel exhaust fluid would make all but the owners of $80,000 SUVs flinch. It’s was a cool $263.44 plus tax. If you’re the type of armchair economist who compares the fuel economy savings per mile to the higher cost of a diesel option, don’t forget to figure in this aftertreatment, once every 15k.

It may be costlier for buyers of the new 3.0-liter PowerStroke diesel Ford F-150. Based on the same architecture as the 3.0 in our LR Disco, but beefed up to meet the demands of pickup truck owners, the new F-150 turbodiesel needs aftertreatment refills every 10,000 miles, Ford told auto journalists in a December briefing.

You’d maybe have to be the owner/lessee of an $80,000 SUV to not order the accessory crossbars ($389.67), but my wife and I take our dogs along to Wisconsin for the Christmas holidays, and no, we don’t charter a private jet for this purpose. Gifts and luggage go in a Thule rooftop carrier and the collies ride in the back (cue the photo of our annual December 27 visit to Leon’s Frozen Custard). Land Rover kindly shipped me the requisite roof rack crossbars well ahead of the holidays, but because of all its miles on the road, driven by executive editor Mac Morrison over Thanksgiving as well as by Eric Schwab and myself, I didn’t get the Land Rover into our handy Detroit Bureau garage until December 21st. By now, our 4Seasons 2017 Land Rover Discovery had a healthy 15,000 miles on the clock, after six-and-a-half months in service.

Long story short, I spent most of the night in the garage attaching the “clamp on” crossbars—and even then, they weren’t on quite right, though they were on solidly. But then, the next night, after work, I found–cue the wah wah trombones–that I had spaced the two crossbars too far apart for the Thule carrier. Unclamping the rear crossbar and sliding it forward should have been a 20-minute job, but again, it took all night. I was able to clamp them down, but not if I wanted the mechanism to click into place so that I could lock the covers on with the keys. I left them in the clamped/uncovered position, and the next morning hurried over to the local dealer to see if anyone in the service department was working the day before Christmas Eve.

There was, but the service manager said he had never seen a set of crossbars applied to the latest Land Rover Discovery. I drove the Disco to Milwaukee that afternoon, with my wife and our three collies inside, and the rooftop carrier securely on the half-locked crossbars—I checked them constantly—with no issues.

We returned to Metro Detroit on the 28th, and the next day my sister-in-law and her 14-year-old son, Landon, visited for New Years’ weekend. This led to a self-inflicted wound on the Disco. On New Year’s Eve, we prepared to leave for a 10-minute drive to a restaurant for 8 p.m. dinner. Because of our visitors, the second row was, uncharacteristically, up. I began to back out of the driveway, thinking all the doors were closed, but Landon still had the right-rear door open, and I hit a tree stump in our front yard next to the curb. I needed to close the door from outside – it was misaligned.

The day after New Year’s, I Disco’d over to Suburban Jaguar Land Rover, which sent me directly to its contractor body shop nearby, and where I had the best body shop experience, ever. The shop realigned the door for me, no charge, and it opens and closes just like new. I returned to the Suburban JLR service department to have a slow leak in the right rear Pirelli Scorpion patched (nail, $39.99), and the service department finished properly installing the rear roof rack crossbar, for free.

Said service department told me they had a new guy in from California, who is more accustomed to working with these things. I guess it’s true—Californians are more active. Or, they don’t rely on private jets to take their dogs along on vacation. But the service manager admitted the crossbars were hard to install, and even the California expert worked on the rear bar for 40 minutes.

Having thoroughly bonded with the luxurious British off-roader, I reluctantly handed its keys over to Nelson Ireson, who drove it back from the 2018 North American International Auto Show with the all-season tires taking up space in the back. As compensation, I flew out to L.A. in early February to drive back the Four Seasons Mazda CX-5. It’s a nice, actually fun-to-drive two-row SUV, but this one doesn’t even have a roof rack.

OUR 2017 LAND ROVER DISCOVERY HSE Td6 LUXURY

MILES TO DATE 17,011 GALLONS OF FUEL 672 OBSERVED MPG 23.2 FUEL COST TO DATE $1,902.53 AVERAGE COST/GALLON $2.83

MAINTENANCE

DEF refill $269.65

RECALLS and TSBs

Exterior A-pillar molding N042 Deployable luggage compartment floor operating arm N060 Air suspension and adaptive dynamics warning N135

OUT OF POCKET

Winter tires $918.92 Tire patch $39.99

SPECIFICATIONS

AS-TESTED PRICE $79,950 ENGINE 3.0L DOHC 24-valve turbodiesel V-6, 254 hp @ 3,750 rpm/443 lb-ft @ 1,750-2,250 rpm TRANSMISSION 9-speed automatic LAYOUT 4-door, 7-passenger, front-engine 4WD SUV EPA MILEAGE 21/26/23 mpg (city/highway/combined) L x W x H 195.6 x 87.4 x 73.5 in WHEELBASE 115 in WEIGHT 4,916 lb 0-60 MPH 6.9 sec TOP SPEED 133 mph

OUR OPTIONS

360-degree parking aid $275 Activity key $400 Autonomous emergency braking $125 Capability Plus package $1,250 Drive Pro package $2,350 Front center console cooler compartment $350 Full-length black roof rails $400 Full-size spare wheel and tire $440 Head-up display $950 Loadspace cover $150 Loadspace partiton net $100 Namib Orange paint $1,495 Park Assist $800 Rear-seat entertainment $2,270 Rover Tow package $650 Vision Assist package $1,000

  IFTTT