#it was less a sense of style more i was insecure didn't know how to dress and just kind of hid it by wearing hoodies and shorts

[ghostpantomime]

changing so much from before uni and even since the beginning couple of months of uni in terms of confidence and style is so funny. had someone come to me for fashion advice the other day as "the fashionable friend" and i panicked because what do you mean people want my advice on that.

[luna-loveboop]

Triple Threat Time

The Terror Trio

Legend, Hyrule, and Wild are known as the Triple Threat and I love them.

@breannasfluff for you, m'lady

Legend and Wild

These two are the most over looked.

And from the very beginning, we have a ton of examples of them just. Being. Near each other.

Like magnets

We can trace back to the moment these two really connected and spent more time with each other... which was of COURSE over girlfriend trauma

That's one of our first Legend being soft moments, showing true empathy. And Wild found that Legend could be understanding of his hurt- this is where they connected beyond just being closer than most

The main point in the plot with Legend and Wild is when they split off into groups

They went together, and this interaction shows that with these three, Legend is the common sense filter that keeps the other two from falling off of cliffs

Wild: I wanted to climb the mountain!

Leg: there is literally a cliff to fall off of right there

One of the things I love most about about Legend and Wild is they understand each other

We have multiple examples of them literally stating facts about the other in coversation.

"I know you love to tease" "you break everything" "you're not usually impressed"

They just state facts about each other because they get each other and understand

Wild and Hyrule

Ah yes. The two that have so many similarities in which they give the rest of the chain heart attacks

They both have the insecurity about knighthood. Hyrule because he's never felt adequate, and Wild feels like he only used to be.

They both hate maps (who needs them, right? *promptly gets lost*)

They do not care about injury at all. "I can walk off a broken leg for sure it'll be fine"

When left alone these two nearly die. Like every time. Love them.

Here's a lot of them hanging out:

Legend and Hyrule

The downfall duo

These two are from the same timeline, the downfall timeline, and there are certain connections coming from the same world. I think that their world made them have a similar fighting style because of how it's developed.

They are around each other mostly

And they always fight together

Here's my take on these two: Legends more confident because he's done so much. Hyrule's less confident because he didn't have such an insane number of adventures.

Legend's been through enough to know this is ganon's fault, not his. Hyrule's been through little enough (even with insanely hard adventures) that he has much more insecurity.

These two are quite possibly the most skilled in survival, because of no formal knight training. Instead of having perfect swordsmanship, they have tools (legend) and spells (hyrule) to fight in a world that was so much harder.

Which of course relates to wild who woke up in a cave, found a sword and winged it.

That's their relationships two on two

Legend and wild: power team, overlooked but so so close

Wild and Hyrule: do not let them near fire

Legend and Hyrule (downfall duo): They fight together and they are a pair

Combined these three make a Triple Threat

They also have dynamics with all three of them combined

Bestest moments of them:

When turned into a bunny, Legend mentioned both Hyrule and Wild as the ones he was worried about seeing him that way

In both scenes of Wild breaking swords Legend or Hyrule was there

When Wild was injured, they both somehow lost their senses and freaked out about him being dead (lol)

But with all of them they understand each other

Wild and Hyrule know Legend is grumpy and rude- they don't care, he's their brother. As the one who appreciates maps, he keeps both from getting even closer to dying

Hyrule: he feels accepted. These two make him feel like he has a place and is valuable to those with similarities.

Hyrule and Legend don't care about Wild's odd traits, they know that he breaks stuff and gets hurt often.

Proof

!!!! Looking at their scenes (in my screenshots above too), this is clear: all three of them have more examples than most of them being next to or near the others

Plus all the adventures and scenes of them- they fight and wander together- they are on this journey with each other

Because they understand each other, they spend time with each other. With nine people in the chain, when a few are around each other this much rather than the others, it makes it very clear how close they are, since they simply want to be near each other.

Here's my very favourite picture that perfectly sums up the three of them:

Legend: grrrr

Hyrule: excited

Wild: still can't put his hands on his hips properly

And these three combined... we've got constantly injured, set fire to everything, get lost a ton, snarky rudeness galore, plus swords and tools and magic, and that makes them a threat

(one thing I want to point out. you can see this by looking at the screenshots in this post. with the chain, much of figuring out who is close is simply who is near each other. looking at their interactions and the times they are hanging out as a group, Four is most often near and hanging out with these three rather than the others, so I think he is also very close to them and feels comfortable with them. do with that what you will.)

Yeah! Terror Trio.

:)

[decepti-thots]

What I can't get my head around is, why didn't Dominus Ambus tell Rewind that he was secretly a turbofox? Like, that's your conjunx, presumably the person you trust most in the whole universe, and you won't even share your secret with him? IDK if you've already done an analysis post on this but if you haven't I'd love to hear your thoughts.

Okay, so. Putting aside any non-diagetic explanations entirely for a moment (that is, my suspicion that the concept was conceived of some way into the comic's run and just proved a really good way to explain Rewind not recognising the Pet once it was settled on)… in-universe explanations, let's go.

Something I do wanna point out here is a thing I rarely see mentioned: in my opinion, Minimus does not act as though Rewind doesn't know. I think he expects that Rewind does, which is honestly sort of wild? In DotL, Minimus isn't like 'oh shit, now you know I guess' when he's making remarks about Dominus being even more insecure about his height than Minimus is (irreducible style), or whatever. I… guess you could argue he thinks Rewind has inferred it logically (Minimus has revealed he was wearing an armour > Minimus and Dominus are spark twins > therefore…) but tbh, he's just. SO casual about it. I absolutely feel like Minimus assumed Dominus had told Rewind! Which. THEY WERE MARRIED LMAO. IT'S A REASONABLE… ASSUMPTION……..

Which definitely suggests there's no reason externally that is all that compelling for Dominus to not have done so. If there was, presumably Minimus would have anticipated it! Realistically, if Dominus couldn't trust Rewind to keep it secret for the sake of public access and ease, why the hell were they married. (Anyway, Rewind is in a far more precarious situation than Dominus is, when they meet; Rewind isn't able to hide and is formally subject to being classified as 'disposable'. I mean!) That's definitely not compelling.

Personally I think the easiest way to reconcile it is to think that Dominus had a personal hangup around his alt, and genuinely wanted people not to know this about him- because he himself was personally ashamed of it, no matter how much effort he put into public work that seems to contradict that. This actually reconciles something else, I think. Why would the sentience test Dominus seemingly designed in part or full be so biased against beastformers? He is one! What! But if that's something he was unable to get over the way he e.g. was able to overcome prejudice of the kind Rewind was facing, it perhaps makes sense to think of it as a kind of 'harder when it's personal' thing. Right? Internal feelings of self-loathing are sometimes paradoxically the more difficult kind to unlearn, compared to changing how you think about other people. Hell, maybe Dominus convinced himself wearing an armour 24/7 meant he wasn't one any more. Maybe he didn't tell Rewind because as far as he was concerned, that was no longer true.

I think this would potentially be interesting in terms of adding actual characterization to Dominus against which you can a) effectively compare and contrast Minimus (since a looot of what we know about Dominus is more or less 'he was made in a lab to induce an inferority complex in Minimus', lmao) and b) open up avenues to question the very idealized view Rewind has of their marriage that don't necessarily require leaning into the trope of 'he was an Evil Liar All Along on purpose!!!', which adds a lot of interesting stuff to that element of Rewind's arc that I'm sad canon never really managed to deliver completely, IMO.

I have actually thought about Dominus in relation to both Minimus and Rewind a LOOOOOT haha. He's such a cipher in the comic; a huge motivating character for two otherwise-unconnected leads AND a cornerstone of our introduction to the Functionist Universe… and yet a character we know very little about the thought processes or feelings of. He's like a void of a character you can reconstruct by looking at what surrounds him. It's very fun to me.

[da-janela-lateral]

MP100 S2E01 under a writer's perspective

The Emi Fukami episode in Mob Psycho 100 was a beautiful display of Mob's character development in relation to his individuality and a earnest vision of emotional vulnerability, but I want to call attention to a single detail: Emi being a writer.

Out of all the secret truths that the cast masks during the narrative, Emi's must be one of the most mundane. She is writing a book. She doesn't want people to know about it, much less read it, as Emi was led to believe this hobby of hers was embarassing.

I find it very interesting that Emi, character whose focus episode revolves around vulnerability, has writing has her main passion. In a way, writing is one of the most revealing art forms that there is. Literary choices are a reflection of the author's context, beliefs, likes and dislikes, fears and dreams, even though many of these choices cannot be perceived in a sensible level. Even if I suddenly decided to write a tale about a random theme - you say, a blue-footed booby who becomes an architect while wearing ballet shoes - it would say something about me. It could be a preferred text type, my sense of humor or even my idea of what is "random". Word choices, rhythm, figures of speech, themes, narrative structures, spins on a literary genre's expectations - all of these and more consist of conscious or unconscious decisions made by the writer. Writing as an art form serves as a mirror to the artist's very mind.

As a result, a piece of text can be a very delicate thing. Many people would only reveal their works to a exemplarily trusted someone, or to no one at all. That's the origin and end of uncountable masterpieces. It is also associated to passion. Few are the writers who characterize themselves as such and don't feel a duty to write. Yes, duty. Not all pieces are a labor of love, but it's almost universal that they're one of resolve, as little as it might be. One can unlock a fundamental will to write something in spite of it being weary work. At this point, for many writers, it's not a simple hobby. It's a need. It's a compulsory manner of expression hardwired onto our brains; thus, it's an inseparable part of who we are.

So what does any of this have to do with Emi's arc?

S2E01 is all about being vulnerable. Even though Emi had only asked out Mob because of a bet and hanged out with him for a week, she felt safe enough to show him her book. Her own friend group didn't have an idea that she was working on one, and once they discovered this, they ridiculed Emi's effort and teared it to shreds. Emi tried to alleviate this rejection by affirming she didn't care for her work, while everything shown previously on the episode proved this was wrong. In turn, Mob uses his psychic powers to put back her text together - his first public demonstration of them since he was a child. Mob was honest about himself by revealing he was an esper. Emi was honest by wanting his opinion on her book.

Emi is a fourteen year old girl going through a confusing and ever changing phase of her life. After doubting on Mob's emotions, she tells him that she too doesn't know well who she is, and her actions around her friends prove how she was prone to peer pressure. Her mind and identity were on an uncertain state, and this would also reflect on her writing. Emi uses complicated words, perhaps to make her writing sound more serious. Based on a translation of her work "Adventure", she uses more of a stream of consciousness prose and ambiguous descriptions. She immediately decides to write something different after her experiences with Mob. Emi has a personal style! She has techniques and topics she enjoys and active choices about how she will employ them! Emi has a bit of her on her story and this was why she hid it so much: a mockery of it would be synonym of a mockery of herself.

This is what makes the plotline with her book so important to express the episode's themes. Emi felt insecure to reveal such an integral part of herself to the world until someone came and not only took it seriously, but appreciated it enough to make an effort to understand it better. It tells a lot how Mob's demonstration of caring made her leave the people who destroyed her work.

As a writer, this detail gave a whole another layer of significance for the episode. I've felt Emi's struggle in a very intense level on the past. Storytelling is something so dear to me I can't see myself without the adjective of "writer", but the acknowledgement of my work would be the same as exposing myself to the world. It can be scary at times, to divulge something so sincere to others. However, such is the writer's role: divulging. For reasons long unknown a magical excess of words was born to me, and this coincidence can't be supressed and abandoned on the dark. There is something I can offer copiously hand in hand and its words. Words. Words. Words... And the reflection of me resonates on others.

[popponn]

things about isagi yoichi

i'm keeping a list about isagi for reasons (mostly personal amusement) (please do feel free to add or correct them). contains possible spoiler for manga up to chapter 230 so far and light novel. will get longer, probably, as time goes on. (update, it gets longer and up to uber match ending as of today.)

considerate. almost like a people pleaser. actual people pleaser at first.

pragmatic. thinks very calmly, even when angry it seems, but his words still sometimes get too much.

think things through, sometimes too much.

is confident, but not unaware of his own weaknesses

start pretty insecure.

seems to be sheepish - happy when someone praise / support / pay a large attention to him (pretty humble) (interview, that one kid in station, his family)

how he acts depends on who he is interacting with

switch to a more polite speech pattern whenever nervous (pretty obvious in japanese text, like in the interview scene after bm vs mc).

seems to be less competent on other things other than soccer

looking at his favorite manga / song / shows (most are medias with children as the main audience in mind), either really loves his childhood or doesn’t pay attention to many things after soccer. seems like the latter.

a really healthy family dynamics. his parents are very supportive of his dream.

loves katsu curry.

is a pretty 'normal' high school guy it seems. tissues near the bed, thigh fetish, read manga. speaks normally.

i really don't get why he has a habit of making sure his ahoges stand up in v before a match but god thats cute.

can be really rude and impatient sometimes

is good with people, but seems to enjoy alone time too. seems to be an introvert.

at least on screen, never really talk about how it was in ichinan with the blue lock guys. either it didn't bother him that much consciously or is the type of person who gets along with everyone but no one really knows the background of in details. (put it simply might be more introverted than he appears to be, especially considering how he usually is with people)

seems to be uncomfortable with new people in his personal space (early bachira + kaiser)

while doesn’t ‘like’ rude people, seems to grow ‘used’ to them and even openly admire them (barou + rin)

does not seems to easily prejudice / be judgmental to someone. is really patient (respect to barou, that one chapter with tada from ichinan, still praises kaiser despite the antagonism between them)

his fashion sense is pretty... this is very subjective as i don't have the word for it yet, but yeah, is either not good or pretty old fashioned. (in anime official arts)

when it comes to soccer often looks angrier expression wise

really egoistic. unsurprisingly.

sometimes is pretty self centered in the way that “this is my fault” sometimes, rather than focusing on someone else. but most of the time his self centeredness comes out as “i want this and i will get this”.

on some moments also seems to focus more on what he is not satisfied with rather than what he is satisfied with. might be caused by the storytelling beats, but if taken into consideration how he always wants to improve, it's not unsurprising.

seems to be more goal / result oriented, but is not dismissive towards the process.

whenever he sees someone better than him or something seems to be ‘impossible’ for him, most of the time his responds are ‘i have to work harder for it’. sometimes there are moments of insecurity, but they are fleeting and always went back to ‘i will overcome this / him’ as a respond.

very!!!! competitive. but it’s blue lock.

both in and outside soccer, seems to be very independent

seems to be more analytical by nature rather than intuitive, especially in learning style. complete opposite of nagi.

often starts noticing things from little things and details first before going and getting the bigger picture. detail oriented person? at least in soccer.

yeah soccer nerd.

if the 0 valentine choco, his reaction to seeing live two women getting played in karaoke, and how he didn't immediately went to girls in bowling alley—yeah. definitely 0 experience with girls.

is not wishy washy. knows what he wants and is not the type to change his preference because of his surroundings. did just act as if his preference is different / just doesn't say a thing or walk away when it isn't, back in ichinan these habits are obvious. in blue lock, he doesn't actively try to make other people uncomfortable and even still accommodate some out of the field, but clearly has become more outspoken in his preference or for his comfort. boy really grew more confident (and i love him for it).

he asks santa for ps4 and other than yeah normal highschool boy behavior idk how to dissect or overanalyze this yet give me a sec or a year.

like treats!!!! seems to be partial to sweets, but he also enjoys sour candies according to egoist bible.

doesn't like being ignored. and it kinda shows.

his beef with kaiser is hilarious—but it make sense because kaiser obviously bring it up even out of field (that locker room scene after yukimiya isagi argument), taunts isagi every chance he got (vs barcha, vs mc), and whatever happened in the match. isagi better than some bluelockers and me fr frfr considering he still did not try to punch kaiser's mug.

which bring the point doesn't seems to enjoy fistfight. either shitty at it or just chose not too. but looking at his trend of being shitty at things that are not soccer and his canonically low stats especially before blue lock. yeah might be shit at fistfight (with also a bit of the latter because how do one not try to sock kaiser in the face after *gestures wildly* all that. footnote, i admit the bias). (karaoke, shidou vs rin duking it out pt.1—my guy was dying and he wasn't the one duking it out)

tidy, but not overly tidy to barou level. but realistically comparing it to stereotypes of high school boys? real tidy. (could be seen in blue lock exhib's display of his u20 arc locker and team white bedroom)

wants lil sis or big sis because of my neighbor totoro. idk how to dissect this either but—yeah not a rare thing for an only kid to say, actually.

seems to be more of a street smart kinda guy.

his tenacity in befriending or at least interacting with rin is admirable. shipping lense or not it really is.

he gets along with almost everyone. shipping lenses or not, also amazing especially for an introvert.

he says the wildest shit on field like uh yeah things he said with yukimiya was said to be cencored a little because in jp someone said he was calling yukimiya something else i don't know to say in english.

but is actually not an absolute asshole in field, saw yukimiya broke down and bro actually took a second to pay attention and moved on. until he got provoked, that is.

actually rarely become the one who approach other people first (kira, bachira).

can really got extreme when in high tension (shoving chigiri off, that 100℅ kill you @ kaiser).

turns out he talks about the thigh stuff bashfully. (it's cute.) but i still wonder why he likes lobster. like i feel like something is there. why is his taste in everything that is not soccer makes me wonder what the fuck is up with him. favorite song? cm jingle. fashion sense? honestly casual, but his sense in pattern and color is genuinely so bad im hurting. this point is so full of personal bias feel free to skip it.

seems to be pretty oblivious to things about not-soccer. especially his surroundings. not to the dense point but seems like it stems more from his focus at soccer. but this trait seems to go hand in hand with his self centered tendencies.

(this is bordering to hc, but) it seems like while is indeed obsessed with soccer, more than "oh he is only good at soccer", is more of a "if he wants it he will find a way to get it". but taking in account how his personality used to be in ichinan / pre blue lock, it's unsurprising that he doesn't want that mamy things. even in soccer that he is passionate about, he didn't back then. there is also the fact that he seems to have tendency to hyperfocus into something (i.e.: while still taking into account of others in soccer, think more of them as 'factors' than 'people'), so it may seems like the reason he got or became good at something is like "oh isagi is lucky / specialized in that", but it seems hard work and dedication really does put a big role into it, unsurprisingly. could reach that level in soccer because he is dedicated into it, tldr.

this part also became quite visible if taking into account he wants to play specifically as a striker. he is focused in this very specific thing he wants, that's why he managed to get it / improve in it.

if i did not miscount, he directly has a conversation with ego twice. and in both he is extremely impolite, calling ego names in one (u20 arc). while the other happened after he lost against rin in 4v4, and seems like he is still not happy with the loss. ans it shows. he is pretty rude when ego talk about luck which he himself noted was a big factor there. (man hold grudge.)

so yeah, seems like rather than "possessed in field" it could also be "possessed in everything related to soccer", though fudther research is to be conducted.

is pretty introverted even in blue lock. while sometimes he shares his insight to other people about his play, sometimes he also did not do this (recently you can see this the most in his interactions with ness). but yeah, this is the thing he shares about the most, something related to playmaking and soccer. but other than that nothing—at least on screen.

his pretty peaceful and uneventful background could be factored into, however ichinan highschool is pretty much his tragic backstort and not a peep about that to even bachira it seems. a possibility is that he is hyperfocused towards soccer. not to say his self centered part that is more of "what can i change about myself for this situation" and "i can't change others' way of thinking".

however seeing how that one meeting tada goes (post u20 break) and he said nothing to correct tada, even though he secretly disagrees—then also his parents who seems pretty oblivious to his soccer performance and how he casually acted about his lost against kira despite crying and screaming on public just before that—yeah, seems like a pretty private person. it's not that he is oblivious or do it out of malice, but mostly seems like he just doesn't comment about it and more of the listening type. and even when someone close ask the right question it seems like he doesn't try to show much expression or how he actually feels.

personal bias but yeah this is no longer """being polite""", this is actually being private to a very concerning degree. like the time he opened up about his worry, and still pretty related with soccer, that is completely visibly vulnerable seems like it was with nagi after 3v3 with rin (and see how that ended up. tho this make the fact that he and nagi became pretty close afterwards in such a short time a bit unsurprising. this two indeed kinda have quite a lot bonding moments outside and inside the field, shipping lens or not). like no wonder this guy snaps in soccer field, it's pent emotions fr.

but if how he is after u20 any indication, it seems like he really is very reserved outside of field that it kind of resembles how he was before blue lock. (who knows after nel arc (still bm vs uber rn when i write this, tho the match seems like ending), because boy seems grumpier there. not blaming him tho, it's battle royale inside that team.)

doing a little skimming but it seems like when talking about something he really never put focus on his feelings. it's either what's going on, others' feelings, or an opinion of his but if there are any feelings most of them stays in monologue and thoughts only.

adding to that nagi note, personally found it funny that he nearly get into same team with nagi TWICE (pre u20 team selection, nel choice where he is conflicted between german or england) but he never followed thru with it. this probably has more to do with nagi's motif & such rather than his, which this post wasn't here for sry nagi, and the fact that both that they are protagonists in the main and spinoff. but yeah, personally? it's funny it happened twice. especially factoring the fact they are close enough to have each other's number and isagi admits he has a nice chemical reaction with nagi.

i genuinely wonder how he interacts with kaiser outside of field. like. dude. i know it's funny.

might also add now that it seems the four people he is closest with is bachira and chigiri. was, with kunigami too but yeah. bachira especially, with the two keep being called two side of a coin/a soul. again, shipping lens or not, they are pretty close and isagi really seems to have come to a point where he is okay with bachira's habits no matter how odd. (personal bias, really sweet considering bachira has no friends before this and isagi while is friend with tada WE KNOW HOW IT ALL TURNS OUT). with chigiri, seems like the type of friends who look out for each other (isagi once shown checking his knee and messaging him, while chigiri is the first one jumping into action when shidou nearly kicked him). then you also add that chigiri only ever, on screen at least, opened up about his past to isagi and honestly yeah. shipping lens or not, these two definitely the looking after each other dynamic. kunigami come back, or at least interact with isagi more pls.

WHICH ALSO, seems like isagi is the only one reo kind of opened up to with his insecurities after the 2nd selection—kunigami and chigiri seems to get it too, but at least it was never shown on screen that he opened up the more vulnerable side of his anger at nagi and isagi to them. these two has a pretty good relationship it seems after that screening room scene. (might revise or at to this when epi nagi reach this part)

but this seems unsurprising in some ways because isagi really seems like the listening type. some people said these type of people is good when it comes to getting people opening up. also seems like isagi really never run his mouth so good choice actually. (look at him even he doesnt open up his own emotion how could he do that with other people's emotion. what is this a sign of pent emotion or just a sign of actual limited emotional intelligence when it came to processing them? who knows. blue lock's highly stressful and intense environment is also a factor here but hey, look at how isagi was in ichinan. might be old habits)

he is scarily cold and detached to his bonds when it came to soccer, it seems? like, he is still capable of sympathy even during the heat of the moment, unless you make him angry (both cases: yukki). but for the sake of his play his priority really is on "this is the play that i want" rather than friendships and stuff. on one side, professionality. on the other, yeah egoist.

outside of field doesn't seem to go out of his way to dig up about someone's backstory in "asking and digging and wanting to talk about feelings with them", but will listen if told. (i.e. chigiri acl convo, reo opening up, casually talking about soccer again after noa ego relationship bomb drop, etc.) seems to be more as 'minding his own business and being not nosy', which is kind of in line with his politeness.

then you bring soccer and his ideal play and it gets really cold. he really think of soccer as 'cruel' and it kind of shows with how little he thinks of outside-of-field-relation during a game. (really shows if you compare how most characters personal story, rin and reo for example, has a huge impact on their play) his brain really has an on and off switch with the niceness.

at some point in blue lock, his closest circle is bachira, chigiri, kunigami (could be canon or could be due to the fact these four are kind of the quadruplet of bllk). he is pretty much the guy most of everyone knows and has at least spoken with once after u20 tho.

but other than those 4, it seems that the one he have more highlighted rivalry are niko, barou, rin, and nagi, with yukimiya coming in later in bm. it's funny how isagi seems pretty attached to them in a pretty friendly manner in some ways. barou and rin is just on another level of "i will kill you" getting answered with "sure, okay, geez" (and it's hilarious. with barou, isagi shared meals, was a roommate, and went bowling together once. with rin, he did yoga, laughed at his death threat, and was pissed because rin was impolite. i can go on but moving on). nagi and isagi canonically get along pretty well out of screen. isagi is roommate with yukimiya—i didn't except this combo back then but i really want to know their interactions in that room, especially during and after their conflict.

then there is hiyori, kurona, and nanase's case whose relationship with him is more on the 'supporting side'. with reo, it seems to also fall into the rivalry category—but this guy's relationship with isagi is kind of more about reo-nagi relationship than with isagi himself. with aiku, it's rivalry between defender and attacker (resembles niko the most but the things these two said to each other is way wilder). then there is kaiser—i will wait til nel arc is done.

there are crumbs with some other charas like sae—but these two didn't interact (yet?) in canon. with noa, it's admiration and respect, to put it simply, but it seems it's leaning more into actual mentorship that is more casual compared to how most of bm is with noa (imo, take this part with a grain of salt). with ego, it's...surprisingly complicated on a meta level from my perspective at least.

isagi clearly agrees and thrives with ego's philosophy, but other than taking ego's words/guidance isagi was rude to him. then there is stuff like some part of their design being similar to each other (v hair, eyes on some panels tho this also happens with other charas, beta isagi sketch) and how during nel ego - isagi similarities get commented by noa and snuffy (tho on snuffy case is more of barou - isagi is like ego - noa, who is who tho we don't know for sure). it feels like there is more on these two for the future.

with his family, it's just sweet. his family is proud and supportive of him. and seeing how isagi is pretty independent as in his attachment style is very secure in blue lock, even with how ichinan basically turned him into a people pleaser, yeah definitely and canonically a good family there. he greets them every morning as part of his morning routine, and he is the only character who mention this in said trivia.

enjoys his alone time, based on his trivia. the introvert part is loud and clear.

he doesn't really get jealous easily. like rather than envy, it's more of frustration directed towards himself or straight up being pissed because said someone played a factor in why he couldn't make a goal. but most of the time, when he sees someone's strength, it came out more as an admiration and "i should do more and stand out more too!!!" rather than comparing himself and feels negativity. this especially never happen to his perception towards his capabilities. the closest thing we ever get to him feeling envy is perhaps the parts where he goes "i don't have weapon like them" when talking about chigiri's speed, kaiser impact, and others' specialities. but even then it never really lingers.

and from that probably also shows that isagi is really good at looking someone's strength or specialities. but this seems to also happen in looking at weaknesses and chances. he really does tries to take into account tendencies, skills, blind spots, etc. honestly thinking about this make sense why he immediately collapsed after vs mc, the information loading must be insane. but all in all, the main point is that he is pretty good at reviewing and observing stuffs indeed.

high achiever with an amazing durability. as said word by word by kaiser himself, this guy look at something way more amazing than himself and keep taking it as a challenge. aka his mental strength is insane—or his competitiveness is just that crazy. no wonder he thrives in blue lock where so many people want to him eat alive.

after thinking for a bit and connecting it with the 'not teaming with nagi during the u20 tryouts', it seems like also the guy who avoids his comfort zone, in area of skills and plays in this case. he seems to actively challenge himself.

seriously the type of guy who do and chase what he wants. egoist indeed.

but thinking about that, it also speaks of his adaptability and flexibility. while the part that definitely carries more tension, seriousness, and definitely didn't take shit came out so much in soccer, the way he interacts with those who are friendly with him is so different with those who are antagonistic with him. though so far, with the exception of kaiser it seems, he at some point ended up in a pretty good relationship with some of those—rin and barou are most telling. the antagonism is back on when they are in seperate team tho, but hey this is blue lock.

his moment of satisfaction is really fast—as in he like cheers for a bit, most of the time, then focus on the next challenge. this could be caused by: 1) blue lock highly competitive and rapidly changing environment; 2) it's just how he is build.

[olderthannetfic]

I'm in a fandom with a lot of virulent antis (surprise surprise, it's heavily dark source material and I don't know why they're here at all) and a lot of the pairings that aren't the main badwrong ship on ao3 now have DNI tags on them for shippers of the badwrong ship. I guess not enough to break the TOS (no direct threats?), but still full of stuff like "x shippers DNI", "get help you freaks", "You're disgusting" etc etc.

Its just... so frustrating. Like that's a pretty red flag for me that a fic probably is going to be in an immature writing style so I probably won't read it anyway, but every time I see it I just.... heave a big sigh. Why these people are in this fandom or on Ao3 at all I'll never know. Its not even helpful - the tags are there to help describe the fic, if I didn't want to see that kind of content I could just... avoid content that's tagged that way. Why even add that to a fic that's not even about those characters at all?

Honestly, my real question is.... Olderthannetfic, how do you do it?

I feel like I do it "right", in fandom, or at least I try. I always just block and move on. I don't follow the discourse where I can help it and block a lot of the relevant tags. I keep to a small circle of folks that have the same fun brainrot I do and have fun, generally. But this kind of stuff still slips through the cracks in a way that's unavoidable if you're ever online at all. To be honest, it still hurts a lot to see each time, and be reminded that some people seem to literally want me dead over reading a story. And I can't help the doubt and the self-flagellation that creeps in. Despite my best efforts, and all my research, and living to the ripe rip van winkle tumblr fandom spinster age of 27... I sometimes have a moment where I think, maybe I really am a freak or a degenerate, or an evil predator waiting to bloom.

Do you ever experience this? Does this feeling ever go away, or at least dull to a more bearable exasperated eye roll? Do you ever see these anti idiots grow up or grow out of this mindset? Is it just a matter of time, age or experience? Is there a point at which you felt like it affected you less, or perhaps it didn't affect you like that at all? Is there a secret to navigating it calmly and with confidence? Do you have any advice to give in the, er, art of not giving a fuck?

--

Why would I quail at a stupid child on the internet after coming out as queer when I was 14 in the 90s?

I grew up with very open-minded, supportive family aside from my mother's conviction that BDSM was something people were into because they'd been abused. Even then, I remember privately snickering because I was super kinky, and wouldn't that upset her given this silly world view?

I had it easy compared to most in the 90s, but I still saw a lot of nonsense, like good old Mom on the topic of kink or murders in the media. But I also spent a lot of time reading educational sexuality books that debunked myths about fantasies and kinkiness.

Maybe a firmer grounding in sexuality stuff would help you? Nancy Friday's work on women's fantasies is a common starting point. I'm partial to The Topping Book, which is full of "it's great to be a top, actually" and not "you only do it for the sub".

Getting older does usually help though. Most 20-somethings are insecure in their sense of self. Middle age is when people's fucks generally run out, and that only continues to grow. Watch a stupid child go after some 60-something zine writer lady. She's going to laugh in their faces. Some people remain insecure forever, I suppose, but not anybody who had to woman up to be in fandom in the first place.

It's not just that these little idiots are wrong about us being predators: it's that they are the morally degenerate ones for spreading the psychological equivalent of "vaccines cause autism" or "Jews want to steal your Christian babies".

This idea that The Bad People are infiltrating our minds with their propaganda overlaps heavily with anti-semitic conspiracy theory right wing fundie nutjob ideas, and yet these young fools claim to be pro-queer and pro-civil rights. They're an embarrassment to any progressive movement and it disgusts me.

When someone goes "You're not a Christian, so you're going to hell", do you have a moment when you wonder?

Because that's the level of absurdity here.

Even if they don't bully, even if they don't include threats in their DNIs, the fact that they're spreading myths about sexuality that have been thoroughly debunked many times means they're doing something unethical, anti-intellectual, and anti-science.

I'm not afraid or guilty. I'm embarrassed for them.

--

Do antis grow out of it? Yes, frequently.

They are—either literally or functionally—victims of right wing Christian cults. They have the same trajectory of realizing they've been had and slowly trying to work through the raging guilt and religious trauma.

I have limited patience but some sympathy. Like other victims who were indoctrinated to hurt people, escaping the cult is hard. It means not only giving up your false sense of safety and all of your friends but facing what you've done.

[mapoeggplant]

skip to loafer chapter 51 // discussion

since the chapter is out right now, being raws and the translation, i won't be posting many screenshots as i usually do in respect of everyone. there being said, i want to talk about some things that happened in this chapter!!! also, i'm not calling it an analyze because i think i want to discuss about it more than analyzing it, if that makes sense. anyways, here we go!

this chapter really feels like a road trip, doesn't it? the pacing, the excitement, even the car seats arrangement. there's such a summer and youth vibes to it and that makes me so, so happy and excited for what's to come! i think that, in the end, two characters were the star of chap 51: maharu and nao.

want to talk about maharu first. at first, i was really surprised by her reaction, but wasn't the narrative building up to this? maharu has been showing signs of insecurity since some chapters ago, so it makes total sense, in my head for her to act like that, for a lot of reasons the most important one is the insecurity of being a small town girl when surrounded by people from the city. maharu is a girl who's starting her teenage years, so it's normal for her to see everything as "cooler than her" or that her traditions are less than people from tokyo.

and, hidden underneath this insecurity, she's facing two weird feelings. 1. the idea that her sister is changing and starting to become "a city girl" (since she was the only one who was "well put" while having lunch). 2. her sister's friends, which i have a little suspicious that she knows that them are helping mitsumi to buy her things that would suit her better. and finally 3. the jealously of having all the attention focused on her sister. i mean, she's also having problems! she's also changing! she's a teenager, she wants attention!!

mitsumi is changing, so is maharu. she's feels like she's losing importance, that mitsumi is no long part of their life style and that all her friends are "too good to be there". it's a ride, specially for a girl who's starting to feel the teenage hormones acting up.

and now, the other character that needs a spotlight: nao. it was widely known that nao hasn't come back since she transitioned. her hometown brings her a lot of dark memories and dealing with her family wasn't all that easy. who can imagine what's going to happen when she's finally back? and well, would you look at that: not only nao received a pleasant surprise, but us as well. that doesn't mean the scars are healed or that she's feeling 100% fine and safe there, but just the small step into recognition means more than words can explain.

general thoughts about the chapter:

mika being the one to first realize that something is wrong between shimamitsu really came as a surprise to me!! i know i made a lot of jokes about this before, but i was sure fumi would be the first one to catch that, and not one of the tokyo girls.

this makes me feel like we're closer and closer to mitsumi finally opening up to the girls and shima facing some criticism aside from his internal ones. this might result in a loot of outcomes, but i know that sensei have the perfect one hidden on her sleeve.

about shima (since we all know i'm a shima maniac), other than that, my suspicions about him not telling his mother about the trip is starting to grow. i mean, we never really saw nao talking to her, he didn't brought a gift (we know that his mother would never let that happen), so it all feels so sus to me...but also, on a lighter note, it's the first time he's visiting a friend's house (that isn't chris or mukai, people he grew up with). i mean, he never had that!! he never thought it would be possible!!! how amazing is that for him!!! (aside from the heartbreak scene he saws...)

the wallet scene is a focal point of the chapter, and this opens a lot of future resolutions involving shima. it's kind of a smaller moment in the bigger picture, but his face after seeing maharu storming out tells a lot to me, in a way. he can clearly see how hurt mitsumi is, even tho she's trying to fake it. all i wish right now is that he takes a step further and talk to her about this, give her some sort of comfort. he knows how important that moment (buying the wallet, i mean) was to her, and now he just saw with his own two eyes what happened, so i really hope he takes a step in. i truly do.

this could lead to a more mukai focused chapter, hear me out: with shima and mitsumi relationship being weird right now, it's obvious that, even if shima comforts her, things won't be normal for a while. they will both hide what happened and i have a feeling that mukai will be the one to caught on that. why? because he's the one who can have a better grasp on shima's bullshit. it won't give us a huge mukai lore but hmmmm...idk it's just a feeling. i can be very very wrong and that's totally fine, but my mind is twirling around this...

now if we're talking about fumi...:

i think a lot can happen, honestly. if sensei is thinking about focusing on maharu a little more, i can see maharu thinking fumi isn't by her side as well, which is a plausible outcome given the feelings that maharu has been dealing with.

if fumi takes maharu side, many different outcomes can happen. mitsumi and her can have a little discussion (nothing too hard, but it would make both feel very sad ofc) and mitsumi would have a little self conscious moment that she isn't giving the proper attention to her family and old friends.

if we think about fumi also being jealous, it can still have an outcome like the scenario i mentioned above or the meeting doesn't go as well as we were expecting. it's a thought moment to really focus on, since we didn't had any fumi thought yet, just a little glimpse.

can't wait to see what's waiting for us, can't wait to see all of them at the beach. i had a little bit of interaction between nao and shima (which you all know means A LOT to me) and now i can finally have my baby fumi meeting all of them. i'm so happy it feels surreal, in a way

thank you for reading it 🌟

[dearweirdme]

Has anybody considered the fact that Taehyung and Jungkook might just have different needs when it comes to public affirmations?

I mean, we know JK is hyper critical of himself and he self-admittedly has trouble following through on some of his creative pursuits (which could indicate a drop in confidence) He basically threw an amazing song in the garbage because he didn't think it was that good.

Now, I know Taehyung has his own insecurities and own artistic pickiness but he has always seemed far more self- assured in some cases than JK and less inclined to play nice and consider opinions from those he doesn't know. We all know that ARMY has never been able to tell Taehyung nothing when it comes to what he wants to do, his boundaries etc.

I'm not saying Taehyung doesn't like feedback. He glows when he talks about feedback from the members and when he knows the fans like his stuff but there's always been very much an element of stubborness in that he doesn't really care if his choices or likes seem odd to some and he low-key will not tolerate conflicting opinions regarding his personal style, tastes and choices when his own are so strongly defined.

It must be said that JK has really come into his own in this sense but we all know there was a period where he beat himself up a lot and didn't clapback at the fans the way he's doing lately

I know there have been instances where even Tae's put a lot of pressure on himself but when you think back to their youth; Taehyung was always naturally less critical of himself and more forgiving of himself and centred his own opinions more while JK was super self critical, much quieter in his opinions and a natural people pleaser.

So maybe this is just a case of Tae knowing JK so well and responding to his needs and striking against insecurities that he knows JK might still hold. Or maybe he's proud of JK's growth in that area and wants to loudly reinforce it.

Some people just don't need the same level of hype (even if they might enjoy it when they get it) because they hype themselves by way of their personalities.

And some people need a little more uplifting.

And BTS have won everything, broke everything, achieved everything that I'm certain they don't obsess over the intricacies of charts, streams and numbers the way the fans do. I doubt the seven of them are sitting there tallying their charts and comparing them. Especially when they've all practically made it known that their achievements, according to them, are a product of being part of group and the group will always be first priority to them.

And the thing is, they're not dumb. They know 0t7 ARMY will support them equally and that biased ARMY will lend more support to their faves and that solos will focus solely on their fave no matter who says what or encourages people to do what on a social media post---and they know that their haters will hate them regardless.

And I know we're all shippers here but let's be real; they know that insta posts etc won't really effect the numbers but will be devoured by shippers and in some case used as evidence for or against them primarily so public declarations might just not hold as deep a meaning to them as it does to the fans.

Even the birthday posts seem to come across as a chore to indulge the fans for some of the members.

And Tae might be a little more verbal right now but have some of these anons never seen JK around Taehyung since day one? Like between the looks, the touches, the comments, the beaming smiles, the twinkle in his eyes, the liberties he allows Taehyung to take, the concessions he makes for him, the way they somehow always manage to find themselves in each others space no matter how far apart they start?

And I know there's been speculation of a rough patch and I saw elements of it too but I know for a FACT that nobody can point to one year where JK wasn't still acting towards Taehyung in all the ways I listed above. Like if you tried to chart a timeline of a rough patch it would be still be cut up with moments of JK telling the world that Taehyung is the most handsome person in it or him cuddling or trying to get closer to him (even though some people like to feign amnesia lately and act like JK never makes the first move) there's not one single year or stretch of time where JK hasn't looked at Taehyung with stars in his eyes or found a subtle way to touch him or given comfort to him or taken comfort from him or praised him or melted at praise from him.

Give me a year the worst you know, and I'll still be able to give you a collection of moments of Taekook Taekookin'.

There isn't a single year, not 2017, 18, 19, 20, where JK hasn't still managed to find Taehyung the most handsome, funniest, smartest person in the room.

(And I know we can say the reverse about how Taehyung adores JK just as much but I'm countering all those anons I see speculating that it's all Tae doing the heavy lifting)

I have my opinions on the relationship, everyone is entitled to their own, but it is undeniable that even during their 'worst years' there were still so many examples of how close or at the very least, connected, they were.

Like if you edited all their moments together in a compilation from 2018-2019 alone, there would still be enough love, closeness and intimacy to make an absolute mockery of that conversation they had ITS that was used to imply they'd drifted apart.

Sometimes, I just really wonder what more Taekookers want.

Hi anon!

Great observations. I think it plays in to Tae wanting to hide his emotions/feelings, and that's why Jk's way of giving comfort is physical closeness while allowing Tae to hide. Jk however needs the actual vocalization of support more. Which fits into what he told us himself on live, about not understanding why army loves him.. our love is too vague for him and he needs/needed more specifics to be confinced perhaps. People just telling him "I love you" doesn't say much after a while perhaps. Tae being more vocal about Jk, is what he knows Jk needs.

I think Tae grew a lot into accepting his 'weirdness", which can be a real task and a forever struggle. At times it just takes a few people who really understand you and who make you feel safe and understood. I think Tae is a t a point in his life where he has found that and that is what makes him feel stronger.

I will forever die on my hill of believing they don't care about birthday's much 😂.

And yes on them having been very consistent throughout the whole time.

[1yyyyyy1]

How do you act like you already have the appearance you want? Would you purchase things (ie clothes) that would fit the body type you want, or is it purely mental?

Sorry if this is intrusive. LOA has been on my mind for a while.

Personally, it was a purely mental thing for me at first, mainly because the only thing I knew at the time was that I simply disliked my appearance, I didn't know what I wanted it to be and what changes I wanted to make to be at peace with it. What I knew was that these changes had to be major, like dyeing my hair and completely changing my wardrobe, and that I was not ready to take these steps in the real world because I didn't want to be spending money on something I was unlikely to wear again or ruining my hair. Another thing I noticed about myself back then was that I had been gravitating towards a specific look for a while, that was the clue I needed to figure out the direction I wanted to take my style to and how I started to piece it together by working out color palettes and saving pictures that were similar to the vision I had for myself. I did end up buying some accessories to make it easier for myself, but this process was for the most part mental for me because my goal was mental as well.

If you are anything like myself, you are still in the process of figuring out which features you like and dislike about yourself and it can be difficult for you to understand your own preferences or feel like you are embodying attractiveness by being yourself, and I have resolved this by projecting my personality on the women I find attractive and "complete" fashion-wise to try and see what it would be like for me to embody their appearance. It has actually taken me just a few minutes to realize that I was right about my unwillingness to be around men and that it was not coming from a place of insecurity; if anything, I was even more protective of the image of my preferred self... I would continue to imagine myself in different social settings that way to understand which features I was being drawn the most to and to make it clear to myself that my aversion towards male company was about my boundaries and not some kind of self-hatred because, as I always mention, imaginary scenarios are an authentic experience to your brain even if it does not seem that way and is a safe way to figure out your priorities. At some point, your sense of self will take over and you will start implementing the traits that have resonated the most with you into your own appearance!

My overall advice would be to worry about your body features less and to focus on your personal style instead, for the simple reason that you might end up liking some of the features you find unsavory through a change in clothing or hairstyle — a fitting haircut can make for a shocking change and absolve you of the negative perceptions you have about your face, which is miles better than wondering about whether or not you should be going for a cosmetic procedure. A similar thing goes for clothes and you might end up finding out that you do not dislike your body as much as you think you do, you could simply be invested in shapes and proportions that do not suit you. I should say that creating an image board is the best and the fastest way to visualize your preferred look, it is likely that you will be drawn to a specific style and set of features even if you are overall undecided and you can take your decision from there.

[spookymultimedia]

Helpless To Defy His Fate: The Sountrack

Here's the music that inspired each chapter of my fanfiction, songs that go nicely with what I've written and a look into my creative process while writing

Chapter 1

El Tango De Roxane from Moulin Rouge

I'm not a fan of this musical or the canon story behind this song but I know I'm not alone in this attachment to this song. This song gave me a vision of Nandor betrayed by Guillermo by his act of violence. He's devastated. I was specifically inspired by the tiktok videos that combine Roxanne and the Plauges from The Prince of Egypt. At this point, the story in my head was like this opera style drama that's full of love, loss and pain. Nandor is the one who's heart is crying.

The Ballad of Jane Doe from Ride The Cyclone

I wanted to capture feeling this song gave more than the actual story in this song. I thought about Laszlo and his feelings of betrayal as he's quickly dying. He doesn't have time to process that he's dying. It's tragic. It really is an unfair death. I guess the Fall Fair Suite fits too but this song was a bigger influence

Bright Eyes by Art Garfunkel

This is one of the songs that I think fits Nandor's grief. He's struggling to process the fact Laszlo is dead and that Guillermo killed him.

CH 2

Sad Song by We The Kings

This captures Nadja's grief perfectly. The entire song is how she feels about Laszlo dying. At this point in writing this fic was an exploration of grief and how each of these characters would experience it. I didn't have a Nandermo arc in mind quite yet. I didn't expect this fic to be longer than two chapters. It's was a impulsive idea I wanted to write down. I wanted to write drama and angst for no reason but catharsis and enjoyment.

My Immortal by Evenessance

This was something I listened to while I was writing and thinking about Colin's Grief. He used to comfort Laszlo and learning about Laszlo's abusive home when he was young concerned him. Laszlo grieved him once and now Colin is grieving him. It's ironic. Also I was somewhat influenced by BCR's love for Evenessence and Papa Roach.

Look Who's Inside Again by Bo Burnam

This one was a huge influence on how I wrote Colin Robinson in this fanfiction. Laszlo was someone who gave Colin Robinson friendship when he was desperate to be understood and tired of being forgotten. He was happy and confident. When the one person that understood Colin better than anyone else in his life died he felt alone and insecure again. He struggled to reach out to the people around him and feel into a severe depression that kept him in his bed with no one to feed on but the cruelty of the internet. Colin Robinson is generally the comic relied character. "It's hard to be funny while stuck in a room". He usually enjoys telling his friends dumb jokes but now he's struggling to feel any joy at all. Draining online was a treat but in this situation it made him feel worse and left him feeling like shit

Chapter 3

Flying Dreams from The Secret of NIMH

Chapter 3 was just a sickfick/hurt&comfort I just wanted to write something nice and wholesome and cuddly after all the pain and truama that happened in the previous chapters. This chapter is the calm before the storm in a way. The scene where Nandor is helping Colin Robinson drink its tea was directly inspired by that scene in Secret of Nimh. There's a big emphasis on familial and platonic affection and love in the second half of this chapter.

That's the only song I had in mind for this chapter. The rest was just character interaction with my OC Desdemona. She wasn't originally going to be in this chapter but I really liked the idea of Nandor speaking to it. I think in a less grim timeline they would fuck at least once lol. There's so much grief going around I needed to put Desdemona in this fic, she eats that energy up. I'm glad I decided to it really helped me get a strong sense of its character.

Chapter 4

Bohemian Rapsody by Queen

I had this song already in mind while I was working on chapter 3. I knew I wanted to write Guillermo into this fever dream of guilt and self loathing. I wanted to go into the uncanny territory of weirdness. The part in his dream where Nadja kills Guillermo is directly inspired by an alternate ending proposed by @/ednacrabapple in which Nandor teaches Nadja to swordfight ti kill Guillermo. The twist would be she wouldn't be able to do it and suddenly Nandor gets the confidence to kill him. The lyrics that that inspired me the most where these:

I see a little silhouetto of a man,

Scaramouch, Scaramouch, will you do the Fandango!

Thunderbolts and lightning, very, very frightening me

He's just a poor boy from a poor family,

Spare him his life from this monstrosity

Beelzebub has a devil put aside for me, for me,

For meee

So you think you can stop me and spit in my eye

So you think you can love me and leave me to die

Oh, baby, can't do this to me, baby,

Just gotta get out, just gotta get right outta here

Also in the beginning we see the death from Guillermo's perspective. "Momma, life has just begun but now I've gone and thrown it all away." Guillermo is new to being a vampire and now that's been completely ruined by his murderous tendencies.

No Way Out from Brother Bear

This is one of the movies I took inspiration from for this fanfiction. I wanted to find stories that had similar stories of murder, guilt and forgiveness. I needed to make sure it was obvious that Guillermo lives in guilt and fear. Everyone else has a warped perception of him and believe he's killing for fun. I needed write the opposing perspective in this story.

Oh Miss Believer by Twenty One Pilots

There were three songs that inspired how I wrote nandermo in this chapter. This song is a love letter to Guillermo. Guillermo is scared and helpless. He's in a deep depression and struggling to carry on. Nandor is scared for Guillermo's life and while he addresses that Guillermo has done terrible things he wants to protect him some how. This chapter is when you start to see that Nandor and Guillermo are psychically linked to each other in a very literaral sense. They can feel and read each other's thoughts without knowing they are. They know the worst is yet to come and they're fearful.

Talking to Moon by Bruno Mars

This describes Nandor's feelings. He wants Guillermo badly against the better judgment of everyone else around him.

Aftermath by Lifehouse

Throughout the story Nandor and Nadja grow closer as lovers. Their feelings and actions change into something romantic. They're both traumatized and as a result hold onto each other because they're scared of losing one another. Despite the grief they feel warmth with one another.

Wisdom of Snow by Trans Siberian Orchestra

This song is from the album The Lost Christmas Eve and acts as the contemplative buffer between the old man's confrontation with his past and his emotional breakthrough. This chapter is foreboding and foreshadows what the next few chapters have in store. This song is also what I titled chapter 4. It wad a last minute decision I made while trying to come up with a good title that wasn't stale.

Chapter 5

Hayloft by Mother Mother

The idea that Sean should hunt down Guillermo to kill him as revenge was inspired by a conversation I had with @/2offayyo-kzt. Sean is angry and grieved his lover Laszlo was killed unfairly. He believes murder is the answer.

An eye for an eye, a leg for a leg

A shot in the heart doesn't make it unbreak

She really didn't wanna make it messy

She really, really didn't, but the girl gone cray

Christmas (baby please come home)

I never planned for Simon to be in this fic but I started to think about how Simon would react to Laszlo's absence. It was a joke idea and then I thought a brief moment of comedy in this fic was what the story needed. While I was brainstorming I had found this tiktok and got this idea. I thought it would be fun to write Simon being trapped in this cheery environment while his heart has just been shattered to pieces. It's painfully ironic. Unlike the other songs in this soundtrack this one is diagetic. It's both taunting Simon and describes his feelings. He's desperate to see Laszlo again and he wants Laszlo to be home again more than anything.

Cause I remember when you were here

And all the fun we had last year

This line is in reference to Go Flip Yourself

The song repeats over and over "baby please come home" which is how desperate Simon is to be with Laszlo again.

Story of My Life by One Direction

This was a very risky decision I made while writing this fic. To me in only felt natural that Nadja would go through some kind of emotional journey during this time of grief. I just really wanted to write the moment that Nadja's ghost dissappears. It's like self reflection. This song is Nadja's first step into accepting Laszlo is gone. She begins to acknowledge the happy moments she had with Laszlo.

Sugarcloud from Ride The Cyclone

Nadja and her ghost have alot in common but I suspect there's dissonance when it comes to Laszlo. Nadja doll never got to meet Laszlo and doesn't quite understand what Nadja sees in him. She didn't get to experience falling in love with Laszlo. Nadja's ghost is under the impression that her life was a waste and her legacy is dependent on what she's known as in the vampire world. Nadja is obsessed with her reputation and strives for success to the point she neglects her own joy and falls into burnout. As Nadja recalls her life spent with Laszlo they both come to the realization that she doesn't need to prove her existence to anyone. Just being alive is enough and not having a grand legacy doesn't make her worthless. She'd undead but it still applies lol.

The way I see it Nadja became one with her ghost. She's no longer haunted by her childhood or insecurities. She's finally made peace with her truamas and allowing herself to rest. The reason she's taking up a small hobby earlier in the chapter is because she's trying to learn how to relax and just do something because it's fun and not to be good at it.

Chapter 6

One of Us from The Lion King 2

Months before I decided to write this fanfic I was already obsessed with the idea of the three vampire from the 2014 movie passing judgement to Guillermo. They would struggle to feel any compassion for him and only feel fear and hate for something dangerous they can't understand. I would listen to this imagining the potential conflict between the the three vampires and the main characters in the series on the topic of Guillermo. I always envisioned Nandor being the Nala sitting on the sidelines with everyone against his plea to spare Guillermo. Most characters see Guillermo as a threat and feel hurt by him. I specifically feel that this line fits Simon.

Someone once lied to us

Now we're not so blind!

& by Tally Hall

Guillermo has to face vampiric law and its very vicious and cruel. There's lots of tension and a significant lack of understanding.

When the golden rule and the jungle meet

There'll be nothing to love and there'll be no one to beat.

Oh, the things we know, the things we don't

Oh, the things we think, we can, will and won't

[CW: flashing in clip ] Hungover in the City of Dust by Autoheart

I'll be honest while I was writing the last two of this fic I wasn't in the best state mentally and at the time I'm writing this I don't feel any better. I let that feeling inspire how I wrote Guillermo. It was like a strange form of catharsis projecting all my hopeless thoughts and frustrations onto Guillermo. Guillermo is having the worst night of his life and he's barely keeping it together.

The Trial by Pink Floyd

While the title of this chapter is accurate to what happens its also referring to this song. Guillermo is in a cage being accused of his crimes but he's also at war with his own self loathing. Viago is this symbol of vampiric class and acts downright patronizing to him.

Hells Comin With Me

Simon wasn't supposed to return but I grew to love the idea that it was Simon who told the Vampiric Council about Guillermo crimes and arrest him. I wanted to play into the fact that Simon is a character that tends to return when we least expect it in canon. Now he's back and full of righteous anger.

I am the righteous hand of God

And I am the devil that you forgot

While I was writing this fic I was fleshing out my headcannons for Simon since he's a half baked character at the moment. I got this idea that Simon had this catholic past when he was alive and it sticks with him a bit as a vampire. One way is his shape-shifting abilities, when under high stress or anger, forms into something others would compare to a biblically accurate angel. It's something that would deeply scare Guillermo, who already has religious truama.

SURPRISE! A DELETED SCENE! :D

Bloom from Joseph King of Dreams

This was deleted due to pacing issues and it just felt out of place. This would take place after the trial with Guillermo telling The Barron everything. The Barron feels sorrowful yet sympathetic. He's not proud of who had been in the past and for thinking he was above all of mankind. He had changed and he believes Guillermo can grow from this too.

You've seen the damage words can do

When full of thoughtless pride

Now heed the wiser voice in you

That calls to be your guide

One Normal Night from The Addams Family the musical

I'm not a huge fan of this musical. I feel like it misses the point of The Addams Family, which is radical acceptance in a conservative society. However I do love the artists and editors who show their favorite characters experiencing a traumatic night where stuff just keeps happening to them. I think Guillermo is in a similar situation in this fic

While My Guitar Gently Weeps by The Beatles

I don't think the men who are The Beatles are good people. I think I owe my love for their songs to the obscure movie Cirque Du Soleil. There's a handful of artistic and abstract interpretations of their songs. In this movie this song is visualized as a widow who lost her husband to war. I bring this up as it was inspiration for writing Nandor's grief for Laszlo. Their relationship soured and Nandor will never have closure with Laszlo. He regrets that he didn't appreciate Laszlo enough while he had him. He also wonders if things would be different if he expressed his love for Guillermo sooner.

Chapter 7

Runs in the Family by Amanda Palmer

This was another part I projected myself into. Guillermo hates who his family is. He's a Van Helsing and no matter how much he denys it or tries to hide it, it will always come back to him.

I cannot, I cannot, I cannot run from my family

They're hiding inside of me, corpses on ice

Guillermo has ran from many things in his life. He's ran from his sexuality and the catholic church but it's always there to haunt him. He's quite literally become a criminal on the run and he's not proud of it.

Mary, have mercy, now look what I've done

But don't blame me because I can't help where I come from

And running is something that we've always done well

And mostly I can't even tell what I'm running from

Grenade by Bruno Mars

Nandor has this unconditional love for Guillermo and while he struggles to vocalize or or express it in a productive way he does cause him to do pretty stupid things. Nandor would literally die for him. Guillermo does feel the same but he's a coward. Besides neither of them could communicate.

Lullaby for a Princess by ponyphonic

Guillermo and Nandor are doomed, in this timeline at least. Nandor doesn't appreciate Guillermo. Nandor didn't support him when he wasn't given any respect. No matter how much Guillermo demand to become a vampire, he refuses to turn him in fear of the consequences but mostly because of his pride. So Guillermo took things into his own hands and became a vampire without him. Guillermo refused to listen to Laszlo's criticism and it resulted in something Guillermo regrets. Nandor knows their relationship us doomed but he still wishes him well as they're forced apart.

The years now before us

Fearful and unknown

I never imagined

I'd face them on my own

May these thousand winters

Swiftly pass, I pray

I love you, I miss you

All these miles away

Everything I do, I do it for You

I remember this song from the movie Robin Hood. I don't remember much of the movie but I remember how the song made me feel. It was like this knight in shinning armor kind of song where you fantasize about rescuing someone you adore or the person rescuing you. I associate alot of 80s dad rock with Nandor. It's romantic and its the ideal type of romance Nandor desires.

The Best of Friends from The Fox and The Hound

Before I really had a clear idea of the conclusion I wanted for this movie, I watched two movies for inspiration. I watched Brother Bear and The Fox and The Hound. The latter was the direct inspiration for the conclusion. I think Guillermo and Nandor are similar to Todd and Cooper. Guillermo is the troublesome fox who keeps causing trouble and accidental harm. Nandor wants to love Guillermo and defend him but he knows they should be enemies and their relationship might be impossible to have without issues.

When these moments have passed

Will that friendship last

Who can't say there's a way

Oh, I hope

I hope it never ends

'Cause you're the best of friends

The scene where Cooper stands in front of Todd to protect him is a touching scene. There's not really a solid answer to the issue. They all go their separate ways and decide to give up the chase. The rabid warewolf is a parallel to the bear Todd fights and Sean parallels Amos Slade who's mind is set on revenge. Nandor's eyes are based on how Cooper stares at his master, pleading for mercy. Nandor's eyes are full of emotion and it works to my advantage for this fanfiction. Sean gives up and chooses peace. Nandor and Guillermo separate on good terms but they will never forget their friendship.

[johaerys-writes]

For the ficwriter asks! 💫🎀🎈💞

[Writing asks]

💫what is your favorite kind of comment/feedback?

Honestly any kind of (positive) feedback is good feedback in my book, I just love to know that readers are enjoying what I've written even if it’s a small comment. I love when someone tells me how the chapter/work has impacted them, what sort of emotions it gave them or when they point out something that I hadn't even realised myself when I was writing lol-- sometimes there are themes or motifs or other small details that pop out over the course of sharing a longer work and I love when readers pick that up and tell me about it. It’s almost like seeing the work through someone else's eyes which as a writer it isn’t easy to do! Mainly, I just like talking about the characters that I spend so long thinking about and writing about and being obsessed with lol.

🎀give yourself a compliment about your own writing

Aah I didn't think this was going to be this hard!! 😅 Okay so... I think that my writing is quite immersive? I love creating a lush and vivid picture whenever I can, or delving deep into a character's emotions and thoughts, and I feel like that is something that comes across to the reader as well.

🎈describe your style as a writer; is it fixed? does it change?

I'm not sure if what is meant here is the way someone writes (whether someone is a pantser or a planner) or if it's about the writing/prose itself? In this case, I feel like both of those things have sort of changed over the years, or depending on what I'm working on.... In some works I feel like I am more verbose than others for instance. Like whenever I'm writing Patroclus POV my mind often goes into overdrive describing how gorgeous Achilles is LOL he just does that 😂 I also think that my writing becomes less lyrical as time goes on but maybe that's my insecurities creeping in about it being a little flat lately lmaooo. Another thing that has changed is that I used to be able to write somewhat complex and involved plots but for some reason I don't feel like I can do that anymore 😭 it's all vibes man

As for my writing process, I feel like I started mainly as a pantser/planner hybrid, in the sense that I always had an idea of the ending I was writing towards but would make up a lot as I went, but as I gained more experience and figured out an outlining process that works for me, I've become mainly a planner. I still don't often write detailed outlines down, I mostly have it all in my head but it tends to be very clearly laid out before I even start writing.

💞what's the most important part of a story for you? the plot, the characters, the worldbuilding, the technical stuff (grammar etc), the figurative language

Oooh good question. Honestly, I think it’s the plot, with the worldbuilding a close second. I have read entire books or fics where the writing was very mediocre and even had many mistakes just because the premise was interesting and the story kept being interesting, or because the worldbuilding was very engaging. On the other hand, I have abandoned stories where the prose itself was good just because the story was awful lol. As for the characters, I still feel like a strong plot can carry along even a character that isn't as strongly written. However, an interesting character in an uninteresting plot will just get lost regardless.

[euryalex]

what's your OC's role in the tragic play?

Got tagged by the lovely @captastra (thank you!!) to do this uQuiz for my OCs. Gonna do my newbie, Winona, and my Witcher OCs :)

Winona Reid - 𝔱𝔬𝔯𝔱𝔲𝔯𝔢𝔡 𝔩𝔬𝔳𝔢 𝔦𝔫𝔱𝔢𝔯𝔢𝔰𝔱 you're so hot. sorry about the horrors. you're the kind of person people immediately notice. whether you have a distinct style, are more outgoing, or are just plain beautiful, you make an impression. people usually feel the need to protect you, which probably frustrates you to no end. you're not weak! you're not fragile! you're not helpless! but the people in your life tend to disagree. maybe it's your lover, the protagonist, trying to keep you out of their own turmoil. maybe it's someone responsible for you in some way, keeping you away from your lover, while they head down an increasingly dark path. regardless, all you really want is a sense of autonomy! unfortunately, you're very likely to die before that happens. the audience will be so caught up in the grief your death causes the protagonist that they forget to grieve you as a person. you deserved better, but unfortunately this is not your story. maybe it should have been.

Widris Van Vliet - 𝔡𝔢𝔰𝔭𝔢𝔯𝔞𝔱𝔢 𝔫𝔞𝔯𝔯𝔞𝔱𝔬𝔯 this story is a cycle, and you're spinning around it like a hamster in a ball being tormented by a cat. you know how this story ends. after all, you've told it a thousand times. but you try to change it every time. you love the people in this story more than anything. so watching them fall victim to the narrative breaks you in a way you can't begin to describe. but all you can do is tell the story── their story── with tears in your eyes. you're prone to anxiety and feelings of helplessness. you have so much love in your heart, and for once you wish it would change something. it didn't. it doesn't. it won't. but you refuse to stop telling the story. and you refuse to stop loving the people in it. in this way, no one is stronger than you. you just wish being strong hurt less.

Delphi - 𝔪𝔦𝔰𝔲𝔫𝔡𝔢𝔯𝔰𝔱𝔬𝔬𝔡 𝔳𝔦𝔩𝔩𝔞𝔦𝔫 prepare for an onslaught of both the most dehumanizing and hateful takes, and flood of thirst comments. you are chronically misunderstood. whether or not you're actually evil is debatable. you may be acting out for revenge, to defend someone you love, or even just to protect yourself. you're a pretty jaded person. you don't trust or even really like most people. maybe you did at one point. but that part of you is gone, and you don't go a single day without grieving it. you think a lot about what your life could have been. you're stuck in the past. you're angry and maybe you don't even want to be, but this is the only way you can see to survive. you're open, but less in a trusting way and more like a wound. you don't like to let people see you, but the hurt spills out of you before you can stop it. you're impulsive, even as you try hard to plan and prepare. maybe someday your side of the story will finally be heard. until then, you can convince yourself that being hated is safer anyway.

Arnen Vilaff - 𝔟𝔬𝔩𝔡 𝔭𝔯𝔬𝔱𝔞𝔤𝔬𝔫𝔦𝔰𝔱 you're the star of the show, baby! and boy does that come with a lot of emotional turmoil. you have a seemingly endless supply of determination. whether you have a lot of goals, or one big one, you're constantly working towards it. you're pretty restless, and struggle with imposter syndrome and generally feeling like you should be doing more. your insecurity might not be immediately obvious to others, however, as you come across as very strong and bold. vulnerability is not your strong suit, and that's likely to be your downfall. if only you had just let people in, and asked for help… well, maybe this was always gonna be a tragedy.

Tagging anyone who wants to do this!! Seriously 100% mean this, just tag me as if I tagged you and I'd love to get to know your OCs!!

[watching-pictures-move]

Movie Review | Single White Female (Schroeder, 1992)

This review contains mild spoilers.

I don't know how much this comes across in my writing, but I am not good at making new friends in real life. I am frequently socially awkward. I am usually not sure how much I want to open up and make myself vulnerable, so I can come across as either cold or a lousy conversationalist, or worse, downright weird. And when I do manage to make friends, there's sometimes a certain lingering insecurity, a question of whether they consider me to be as close a friend to them as I consider them to me that nags at the back of my neck. I think one of the reasons I find online interactions easier is that, depending on where you are on the internet, you're presenting that interiority up front, allowing people to get a sense of who you are and what interests you have before they begin talking to you, that helps cut out that initial awkwardness.

These are things that I was chewing over during the first act of Single White Female, which I think captures this tension in the Jennifer Jason Leigh character. When we first meet her, there's a certain ambiguity over whether this person is just awkward, overeager, excited to make a new friend, or whether this person really is insane. We see her gently insinuating herself into the life of Bridget Fonda's heroine, in ways that cross boundaries but with uncertain intent, but we see Fonda essentially do that same thing, as she starts going through Leigh's things when she thinks she isn't looking. This is a lot more invasive than going through someone's online posts and pulling up their social media profiles, but perhaps the impulses behind them aren't too far apart. When Fonda makes the decision to get back with her fiance, after Leigh has clung to her so closely and begun shaping her identity around her, I didn't find it hard to understand why Leigh would view this as a betrayal.

Leigh plays this material empathetically, and her performance is the primary reason to watch this movie. I am less enamoured, however, with the way the movie frames her. There are forebears for this movie's premise, but I don't get the sense the movie wants us to fully identify with Leigh's character, eyeing her from a distance, likely so it can function as a thriller through its initial ambiguity, but failing to implicate us in either her or the heroine's actions and motivations, like, say, Alfred Hitchcock was wont to do. My familiarity with Barbet Schroeder's work is limited to his documentaries, and perhaps there are similarities in how both this and General Idi Amin Dada gawk at their deranged subjects, but I think that works better in the unyielding pitch black cringe comedy framework of the other movie than in the slickly crafted thriller mode this movie operates in.

The style can likely be described as gentrified giallo, having some of the same verve and appeals to warped psychology, but never really committing to the perversity or externalizing the characters' headspace. The movie is far from sexless, but doesn't go in the more perverse directions that Hitchcock or one of the Italians could have taken it in. ("Not perverted enough" is another complaint coming out of my garbage viewing habits, although this time I can cite some classier directors.) There are appeals to yuppie anxieties, but no real sense of economic insecurity from either character (although these strains do allow the movie to introduce a nicely unctuous Stephen Tobolowsky performance). I feel like I am watching something play out from a distance, not like something is happening to me. But like I said, there is some good thrillering here, with two of its best moments (a chipper conversation where the heroine turns out to be gagged and duct taped to a chair, and an anguished monologue revealed to be a suicide note the villain is dictating) hinging on reversals, and at least one shot that looks suspiciously like a key image from Nightdreams. I have no idea if Schroeder's seen that other movie, but it's fun to speculate.

[wheresunandseameet]

2, 3, and 6 for your Blue Beetle S/I mayhaps?

Of course! I will see about sending you at least 2 more numbers to make it even haha 😄.

2. What is your backstory? What was your home life like?

My back story is very much same as real life so i shall be slightly vague 😅 and under the cut cause it still feels very not vague enough 😬.

Also i got rambly and used a lot of like verbal visuals (metaphors? Similies? Its been a while since i was in English class, i need to get a refresher ngl). I didn't add pictures sorry.

Second child of divorced parents. Middle child if including half siblings and step sibling. Was very smily yet shy as a kid but, because of bullying, became quieter and easier to forget/overlook. Raised evangelical Christian and often involved in church things like retreats and summer camps before becoming Agnostic and moving to kinda polytheistic.

Home life was slightly better than school as there wasn't any bullying but things definitely weren't perfect since i didn't get along great with my step father. a lot of larping with the two younger neighbor kids, a lot of computer games, writing and drawing to pass the time. A lot of jumping the elementary school fence with my siblings to play when there was no school. Not much friends outside of church until about middle or high school. A lot of expectations to be like my sister but i never could meet them.

3. What is your sense of style? Do you have any specific aesthetics when it comes to your wardrobe?

I split my sense of style into "wish" and 'capable of'.

My wish style is kinda a mix of 90s/2000s Emo and Skater (a mix of like Avril Lavigne, Hayley Williams, and Edward Elric) with a side of like nerdy/weeb. Some more larpy clothes as well which would include like period specific clothes (like pride and prejudice/bridgerton like dresses or merlin like dresses or clothes both of merlin and ya know all the knights with their armor and weapons).

My 'capable of' style is more about comfort and is somewhat nerdy. It is only like 40% about insecurities. Most of it is just lack of access to funds or actually well made clothes (as the fabrics of stuff isn't that great these days).

My aesthetic is generally probably comfortable but also definitely more on the side of skater if that makes sense (despite my ankles being a bit too wobbly to actually skate 😅😅)

6. What is your personality like? Are there any personality traits that are more evident than others?

Aside from my resting bitch face, i start of polite (possibly including a fake smile) but reserved with my guarded-ness only showing when provoked even if the provocation was only in my own perspective.

If things stay pleasant, the politeness becomes more genuine and any smiles become much less fake. If someone is able to pick a good topic that cracks my shell, i equate it to me blooming like a flower or the sun/moon (depends on perspective tbh) coming out from behind the clouds. I am a big daydreamer prone to focusing on hurt and on comfort.

I am not great at keeping myself 100% safe from people hurting me, if they know how to get me to open up in the first place, and i am not great at immediately cutting ties with toxic people. I will hold onto any "positive" relationship until a line is crossed which then has me cutting ties like someone being thrown overboard a sailing ship.

As to most evident personality traits, it depends on how closely one watches.

Generally i feel like it is my reserved-ness especially with the whole resting bitch face. I don't feel all that charismatic, Generally i feel like i am very awkward, but friends have made me occasionally second guess if my perspective is right or not. I feel like there is also a bit of go with the flow -ness to me as generally i won't rock the boat unless someone is trying to start something that would affect someone else. Like take shit about me? Sure i might cry later but i wouldn't really respond but if someone goes after my friend or even just someone near me? Oh buddy, you just fucked up.

[krs724490]

9/22/2024

its the first day of fall. my practices have been out of practice. I'm realizing that so much of my "work" has not been work. I am the spiritual bypasser of spiritual bypassers. I definitely witness my emotions and do not allow them through my body. I have been obsessed with the witness but I had no idea the way I wasn't allowing myself to express. the way I've been shaming my emotions for occurring because I don't see them as valid.

shame on me for being insecure about graham. I want to be the perfect girlfriend and my stuff gets in the way. I feel shame for not being able to be that steady, understanding presence that he is for me. and I wonder why a lot of females have insecure, anxious attachment styles... its because of society. we were conditioned to latch onto a man, I think even our systems are set up for it. no wonder we aimlessly follow their every move. the systems are failing us. I dont want my daughter to grow up thinking she is at the whim of any boy. I dont want her to bend for anyone. In fact. I hope she's lesbian lolol.

The battle is within me. I feel attached and resistant to the attachment and unaware of what to do with it. how to become more secure. how to not care. how to not feel. it all seems so counterintuitive. I must feel but not so much that I act from a place of ill intention. I must feel but I must not cling to the feeling. just enough to healthily touch without dragging it along.

its strange how I feel the urge to write when I'm out and about, as if Ill have so much to say. and now I sit here not sure what even makes sense to write. I guess it would be good to acknowledge truman. I have an attraction, physical attraction to him. and that turns into an emotional curiosity and a cognitive investment. he lent me his copy of the bhagvad gita of which I already own the exact same copy. there is a part of me that wonders if I had a partner who understood the gita, if life would be richer, if we could connect deeper. especially being with a partner who is more detached and seemingly less emotionally present. when truman offers me the gita, I wonder. when I see brian's tattoo of buddha on his shin, I wonder. but I also in a twisted way, know I was meant to have a partner who is not spiritual. to humble me in the way I think spirituality holds all power. to show me that there are other ways to be a good human that are just as right and valid. he is perfect for me.

I hate feeling like I have so much work to do. realizing how I have not felt my emotions. I have only felt a fraction of what I was meant to feel, thats heartbreaking. I cannot believe I didn't allow myself to let it out. today I am mourning every emotion that I did not allow through. every moment of silence where I felt I could not speak up. not honoring the truth of my emotions. that includes being honest with graham about my emotions no matter how ashamed of them I am. the more I cover them up the more they fester and I am so blessed that he gives me the space to air them out without holding them against me. do you know how rare that is? or it feels as if it is so. I hate how he is so open about this. its bothersome the way he handles everything perfectly. that is part of my resistance to him now.

we can also talk about the way I am settled into this routine enough to find its exhaustions and pitfalls. whenever i have a new beginning I start strong because I am hyperfocused on the potential of what I could do in my routine. and now that I am settled in I can see the ways that I am able to poke holes. the sugar comes back. the frustration comes back. it is a true cycle. it feels that a new beginning strikes a chord in me that wakes me up. a break up, a new job, a new house. and in a weird way I am able to start again. breaking up with graham would be nice because I see it as a giant energy boost to take a look at myself and reset. only this time I can't escape. this time I know I can't leave and that is also an odd feeling. odd to settle in for awhile.

the river of transitions presentation was fun for me to give. I do feel this is an area of life where I've excelled and I'm proud of myself because I followed my heart with my careers. mo asked me if I've always been this confident moving through my transitions and its so funny, I told her it doesn't feel that way. I suppose in hindsight I realize how much all of these transitions benefitted me, but while I was in them I was unsure. I guess I dont see myself as confident, but it was nice to be reflected back to in that way. I wanted to tell her if only you could see how lonely its been. If only you could see how self centered and stupid I feel for pursuing a selfish profession. If only you could see.

Lately I've really been feeling my age. I feel 26. I feel younger than the people around me who have done a lot of work on themselves. I feel naive to the realities of the world. to racism and using different pronouns and saving the planet. I dont know where I've been all these years. I needed this sort of education. this sort of wake up and its disarming, to put down who you thought you were. to feel like you dont know anything. I feel like I should be a blonde 23 year old with the sort of brain I have. I think all this neurosis is the result of waking up. of realizing where I am and how far there is to go while simultaneously realizing its all right here and will come as it does.

I pray that I am able to protect myself from my own attachment to graham and the ego that keeps me small. I am inspired by my classmates who share so honestly, openly, vulnerably, about where they're at. I dont want to raise my hand and tell everyone that I feel young and behind again. I've always been younger than everyone else and punching above my weight. but I skipped over some things. I was not meant to jump. and I dont want to try to anymore.

I probably have about 5 million attempts at a new beginning. we pause here to wipe the slate clean and acknowledge that this moment, right here right now, is the beginning of everything in your life that's to come... its actually shocking how little I practice what I preach and how much I hold the vision for others but not for myself.

fall is a time of transition and change. today is the first day off fall, 2024 and I do want to take it and run with it. its so nice to be at this point in the year and to be able to envision the rest of it. to be able to see the finish line. fall represents transition and this is perhaps the largest transition I've been through in a long time. this is adulthood. this is grad school. this is setting myself up for the rest of my life. I can feel the way that I am settling into what is. I am no longer running. I want to sit with my neurosis and allow them fully in. I want to sit with my joy and let it fully in. I want to sit with graham and not run from the work it takes to be in a relationship. I want to be in the process of naropa of what it means to be a student there. I am not looking to the next, I am right here.

today was icky. and I knew I would pick myself back up and make sense of it. I wonder how much of my food stuff is spiritual bypassing "today I did not have it in me to avoid it" that is a tough statement. I'm not sure my full relationship to it. there is a place that I can arrive where I am in my spirituality, a place that can sit with these unpleasant feelings and allow them. a place where I can make different decisions because there is space. space to feel and understand where these emotions come from. space where there is so much grace and love and connection, understanding. a place that wants to tend to the wounds. genuinely wants to show up for them. its so beautiful. Ive been there before. I'm grateful to it.

I think I can leave this here. if you journal long enough it all trickles out, everything this that needs to be addressed. I trust. I will finish with, I trust.

[thngsoftheconsciousmnd]

Today is Sunny but Chilly

Today's weather feels like it relates to me. It's finally been cooling off here in Japan and it's really insane that the weather changed so fast. It was boiling just a few days ago but I can easily wear a sweatshirt all day at school nowadays. I woke up from a very deep sleep today and wasn't that tired? Like I wanted to continue my sleep but I didn't wake up and just feel exhausted. I talked to my SO yesterday about my insecurities and the way he words things. We had the same conversation a few times prior and honestly it was really hard to just come out and admit my insecurities. I felt like I would be compared to the people around him. He finally cleared up this double misunderstanding we had. I had explained how I felt like he compared me to his models and that I'm less beautiful, and he never corrected me. So I know that was double swirling around in my head. However, hearing him reexplain it when I was in a more stable/sound mind allowed me to hear what he was actually saying. And honestly? I think it was a compliment. Where outer beauty isn't that important to him anymore but how a person really acts. I also told him that I felt like he put me on a tightrope and that if I fuck up he would just throw me away. He reassured me that wasn't the case. And said if I fuck up 100% he wants to help me only fuck up 80% next time. At the time it wasn't the answer I was expecting but I'm tearing up at this while writing it. I feel like I haven't had as many negative thoughts today (its early but lets keep the roll!).

I realized that in my past relationships I was with people that were willing to throw out their sense of self to fit a mold that I was forcing on them. I remember getting upset with my last SO and him just taking it. I remember telling him I hated it when he complained. If you complain, use that energy to go and fix what's bothering you. I think I took a lot of inner problems out on him, and got used to that toxic way of treating him. I realized recently (after taking my attachment style quiz) that things from the past just live rotting and festering under the surface. Things that I just buried and was like "yeah that didn't happen" did indeed happen and I can't just wish them away. I need to work on slowly digging some of those things up and giving forgiveness. Forgive myself and the other person.

I was rereading the "How to Stop Being a Narcissist" article again and saw this. "If you continue with unhealthy habits, like bashing or shaming yourself for being vulnerable, your behavior will never change. Everyone is imperfect and deserving of unconditional love. Practicing self-love can help you heal internal emotional wounds and develop compassion toward the world around you." I want to learn how to forgive myself and allow myself to make these mistakes. I'm imperfect and so is everyone else. It would be unfair for them to judge me as perfect. I struggle, maybe more than others do, but that doesn't make me wrong. I still deserve unconditional love. I remember thinking about how I beat myself up when I think of old memories that happened and the thought "but have I done that again ever since?" no? That shows growth.

Today is about realizing the coldness of the day but also realizing that I deserve a sweater to warm me up.