#it was kinda exhausting but enjoyable! looking forward to week 2

[missingn000]

[mashiraostail]

omg hi🥺🥺 i love your blog so much!!!! your gang orca + vlad king fics are so MWAH,,, i know you said your busy ( plz me too college is hard) so when you can! can you write gang orca and vlad king with an s/o that gets said that he works late and when he gets home he catches them cuddling his pillow. plz I am gang orca simp and you write so well for the both of them! heheh thank you love!!

hey there omg thank you so much!! i’m glad u like it!! I really love them they’ve become 2 of my faves it makes me happy other ppl seem to like them as well! Zoom university is totally kicking my ass but this was really fun to write so i hope you enjoy!

Kugo Sakamata/Gang Orca Kugo didn’t tend to work very late, he usually found himself home by 10 pm the latest and even that felt like it was pushing it some nights. He was a high ranking hero and he had a lot of paperwork to muddle through during the latter hours of the day, he tended to not go out past 8 unless there was some sort of distress call for him to answer. You tried to wait up for him but you had an early start tomorrow. You know he won’t mind if you go to bed, he understands how busy you are too. Or so you tell yourself as you trudge down the hall to get ready for bed.  You knew all couples had an unspoken side of the bed. Kugo slept on the right and you slept to his left, even if you regularly invaded each other's space or tangled up in the middle. Everything on the right was his. The smell of him there alone was enough to tell you that. You can’t help sliding into the right side of your shared bed, and wrapping his pillow up, pulling it to your chest, and pressing your face into it. It was a welcome scent and sensation it lulls you easily and comfortably to sleep.  Tired was an understatement and annoyed was a bigger one, he can’t wrap his head around some of the things villains do sometimes. Seriously, so you pulled a bullet train off its tracks, well what are you gonna do with it now besides make a huge mess? Not only was it exhausting to deal with strength quirk villains it was just plain tedious. Though he tries to leave his poor mood outside, he’s barely seen you today and the last thing he wants is to spoil any time he may get with you with his bad mood, or worse make you think he’s cross with you at all.  When he opens the door though there’s little sign of you. You could tend to be a night owl so it sort of surprised him that you’d head off to bed before 1 AM, but he is glad you’ve gotten a better sleeping habit even for one night. And anyways his phone is still vibrating in his pocket so it’s better you’re cozied up in bed than out here to see the annoyed expression on his face as he checks it.  He rounds over to the right side of the bed thoughtlessly, he always went there so it was really just muscle memory. He’s about to pull the sheet back when he notices the lump that is you there.  He can’t help but get a little fuzzy, seeing you curled up on his side of the bed, hugging his pillow, sleeping blissfully, the last thing you were thinking about was probably him, missing him even. You must be able to feel the presence beside the bed because you roll onto your back, though the pillow comes with you.  “Kugo?” You crack an eye open to his smiling face. Suddenly he did feel much less annoyed with the state of things, especially after your close your eyes again, contended by the sight of him “Yeah, I’m sorry I’m so late.” He reaches out to touch you, electing to sweep your bed hair back.  “No..” You hum, “I’m sure it was important.”  He makes a noise at that, “maybe...is that my pillow you’ve got?”  “Huh?” Your eyes open and you look down, “oh. Maybe.” Your cheeks were gaining color. It makes his chest prickle with affection.  “Maybe?” His hand cups the side of your face, “are you happy to see me?”  “Can you just come to bed?” He feels your cheek getting hotter under his palm. You hold out an arm for him.  “You certainly seem happy to see me.”  “I am!” You turn into his palm with a whine, “so please get in bed.”  Kugo laughs at that, “well you did say please.” He watches you take his hand in yours, pulling him forward. He hums, “well you’ll have to make room my love.”  “Huh? Are you serious? Don’t be so selfish, I warmed this side up already!” You groan and he sighs.  “I didn’t want to have to do this.”  “Kugo don’t-” But he’s already lifting you up, he’d always be able to one-up you on strength and he didn’t mind holding it over your head.  “What do you take me for some kind of monster?” Kugo sighs, settling into bed, taking you with him pressed against his chest, “I didn’t say you had to go over to that side, just that you needed to make room, little one.”  You were contentedly snuggling into his chest, leaning your nose into the crook of his neck and inhaling the familiar scent as you had when it was his pillow in his place.  “Better now?” He scratches the smooth expanse of your back lightly and enjoys the happy sigh he feels against his neck. “Mhm..” You shuffle the sheets up around your shoulder and he can’t help but grin.  “You’re affectionate today. Did you miss me more than usual?”  “I just like going to bed with you at night. I don’t know.” You shuffle closer somehow, “it’s so much easier to sleep when you’re here.” You can’t see him but you can tell he’s smiling.  “Well, then I won’t keep you up any longer my dear.” 

Sekijiro Kan/ Vlad King Sekijiro had always had an erratic working schedule, commitments to his students would pull him away for weekends or even whole weeks sometimes, and his work as a hero was sporadic in nature. Some weeks were quiet and others felt jam-packed. But for the most part you were used to seeing him before you went off to bed unless he was with the school. Though it was getting pretty late now.  You didn’t love the idea of heading to bed before he was home safe, but your eyelids were so heavy. You elect for a compromise, getting into some comfy clothes and staying on the couch. You change into a shirt of his and even drag a pillow from his side of the bed out with you but within 5 minutes of sitting down, you feel like you’ll die if you don’t just get into bed.  So you take your pillow and retreat back to the confines of your bed, specifically his side of it. You couldn’t help but worry, and at least the scent of him put you a little at ease. Enough so that you could doze off.  Sekijiro dislikes working so late, he’s used to early mornings with the school now, being out here until 1 AM was more of a bother than it was an adrenaline rush, he just wanted to get home and into bed. Villians were just a chore at this hour, he got little to no enjoyment out of taking them down when he was so annoyed that they’d decided to cause trouble at such an hour in the first place. They couldn’t wait until 8 AM, just a few more hours? Seriously annoying if you asked him.  He isn’t surprised to see no sign of you when he gets home. It’s late and you like your sleep just as much as he likes his, he’s glad you went off to bed, he’d hate to be the reason you stayed up. When he rounds the corner into your bedroom he can’t help the major pick me up his mood gets.  You’re sprawled out on his side of the bed, contentedly snoring away, squished into his pillow.  “Hey.” He gently shakes you up, “aren’t you cute? Looks like someone missed me.”  “Always miss you.” You peer up at him, “what kinda trouble did you get into?” “No trouble, just a late start.” He leans down to kiss you and you hum into his lips, “sorry to come home so late.”  “Don’t be sorry.” You turn up into him, “it’s important work.”  “You’re sweet when you’re tired.” He laughs a little and squeezes your face in his hands, enjoying the sight of you for a moment before letting you go and getting into bed on your opposite side.  “The point of me getting in on this side was so that you could have the warm side-” He lifts an arm to allow you into his side anyways.  “You’re the warm side.” You sling an arm over his chest, “you’re like a human furnace babe.” He laughs at that and presses his nose into your hair.  “’s that so?” He can’t help but grin as you shimmy yourself up to his chest, “i think you just missed me.”  “I already said I always miss you.” You insist, “you’re just warm.”  “mhm is that it.” He wraps both arms around you anyways despite the disbelief in his tone. “And I worry. I’m glad you’re back. At least now I can sleep more peacefully.” You feel his hands slide into the back of your shirt and he takes in a deep breath of you.  “You don’t need to worry.” “Easier said than done..” You murmur, flattening your palm against his chest, “but I feel better now that you’re back here again.” You yawn and turn into his chest, “you aren’t hurt at all?” He hums, “I got the little stuff cleaned up before I came back, I’m fine.”  “Good...” He can tell you’re about to ask what ‘little’ means exactly.  “Don’t worry okay? You don’t have to right now, I’m here, I’m fine, so get some shut-eye, I’m exhausted too. You know I hate falling asleep before you do.”

[a65232-joshywoshy]

Colorado Crybaby

Chapter 7

      Rachael finished her ice cream, then buckled up like she was told. Penny drove to a small strip mall 15 minutes away. This was the store that Penny had referred to earlier. It had very little signage. The company name on the front door was too small for Rachael to read from the car.

     “What store is this?” Rachael was curious. She kept looking around for better signage to find out.

     “They have the good stuff. I need to pick up something for an old friend. I want to get you something, too.” 

      Is Penny blushing? Rachael was curious and was about to ask, but Penny parked the car and went into the store alone. A few minutes later, Penny was walking out of the store with 2 large boxes. The boxes had no label. She loaded them into the back of the car. 

     She got in the driver's seat again and started to text someone. Quietly, out of habit, she read the last sentences of the text out loud. “I’ll bring them tonight when we come to the club. I’m bringing a friend.”

      “What did you get? What’s the good stuff? Who are you texting, Penny?”

      “You’re awfully nosy, Rachael.” Penny poked Rachael’s nose. “You’ll find out later tonight. It’s a gift. 1 box for an old friend, 1 box for my best friend.”

     “Ooh. I get a gift. I feel special.” Rachael was almost back to normal from today’s events, although she was getting very tired very quickly.

      “You are special." Penny smiled. "Okay. What’s next. My place? Yeah. Then I can change. Do you want to change before we go to the club? It’s not fancy or anything. It’s really casual there. And neither one of us are picking up any dates, so…”

      “I don’t need to change. I’ll need to borrow your bathroom, though, if you don’t mind. Should I put on makeup?”

      “Nah. Too much hassle. They keep it fairly dim in there anyway. No one will see your face that well.”

      “Is this?!...” Rachael turned up the radio. It was Alarm by Lookas and Krewella. “I love this song.”

      They both started singing along.

      Nobody said it’d be easy, but we took a train to the ceiling.

Now I’m on all of my feelings. Don’t wake me up from this dream.

I bought a one way ticket to space, let’s get out of here.

I heard Jupiter’s nice this time of year. 

Out in the wild, find my Eden.

Let’s stay a while, then I’m leaving.

      “I love her VOICE!” Rachael turned it down a little. “Wait. Do straight girls fall in love with female vocalists?”

      Penny laughed. “Yes. She has a good voice. Just because you like a girl’s voice doesn’t mean that you LOVE girls. I mean, in your case it’s true, but not every girl’s case.”

      “That makes sense.” 

      Several more songs came on the radio that they both loved. The car was playing audio from Penny’s custom playlist. Neon Trees and Aron Chupa made them both sing as well. Before they knew it, they were back at Penny’s apartment.

     “Can I ask you something?” Penny was the embarrassed one now.

     “Ask away, Penny.”

     “Inside the box is something you can wear. I really want to make sure they fit before I give them to you, and I kind of want you to wear them to the club tonight. Let’s… resume this conversation indoors.”

     They had arrived at Penny’s apartment complex. A man had walked past the car, on his way to the dog park behind their parking space. Penny took one of the boxes upstairs while Rachael followed close behind, still wondering what was inside. They would unload everything else when they got to Rachael's house. Penny looked very embarrassed now. They went inside her apartment and she locked the door behind them. “My question is, will you…” she opened the box. “Wear a diaper for me?”

      Inside the box were several different boutique diapers. All of them were mediums, Rachael’s exact size. Rachael stared at them all in wonder as Penny sat the box down on her coffee table in the living room.

      “You can totally say no.” Penny was nervous. “I know. This is super forward of me and you probably don’t want to and that’s fine. I hope you don’t hate me for asking this. I know you’re struggling with this side of yourself and…”

      Rachael got out a diaper that she liked. She brought it up to touch Penny’s lips. 

      “Shh. I don’t mind. Thank you. I will wear a diaper for you.”

      “Really?!?! YOU WILL?!?! THANK YOU! Thank you thank you thank you!!! I’ve…” Penny blushed bright red now. “I’ve been thinking about this since yesterday. You’re just super cute and I know we’re coworkers but you’re my best friend who I also really like and we're kinda close already…”

      “I didn’t finish.” Rachael had a big grin on her face. “I’ll wear a diaper for you if you wear a diaper for me.”

       “What? No. You can’t… You..” Penny was stuttering now. Rachael kept eye contact, determined to showcase her stubborn side.

      “You want a cute diaper girl? So do I. All or nothing. We do this together or not at all. Me and you, every step of the way. I’m padded, you’re padded. For tonight, anyway.”

      “Wow.” Penny was the one melting now, but she regained her composure much faster than Rachael did. “Okay, kiddo. You win. Tonight we both go to the club padded. HOOOTTT!!!”      Penny grabbed a random diaper and quickly ran to her bedroom to change. Rachael debated changing on the couch in her living room, but decided against it. There had already been one instance of accidentally starting to get naked in front of Penny this weekend. She didn’t want another. It was too embarrassing. She was about to go to the bathroom to change, but Penny was already done. 

      Penny came back into the living room. Rachael searched for the pink waistband she expected to see above her shorts, but her shirt was too long. Penny knew it couldn’t be seen, so she lifted her shirt slightly so Rachael could see.

      “Okay, kid. That’s my end of the bargain. We have one cutie booty. We need two.”

      “Okay. Thank you. You are the BEST and the hottest."

      Rachael changed in the bathroom, doing her business before she got into the diaper. She had picked a racoon Peekabu diaper. She loved the Racoon’s little face. Her shorts were a lot more snug now, so she had to work a little to get them over the diaper.

      “I did it.” Rachael lifted her shirt a little to show Penny.

      “Yay! Two cutie booties.” Penny clapped softly.

      “Can we take a nap now? I’m so tired.” Rachael was happy, but exhausted.

      “Can I please have you nap without your shorts on so I can stare at your adorable butt?”

      “You perv.” Rachael teased, but obliged her. “Enjoy my butt, but I’m seriously stealing your bed and taking a nap. Take a nap with me.”

      “I AM a little tired. Can we cuddle, too? Please?” Penny was talking quietly now.

      “I thought you were a Big. You’re acting like a needy little Little now. Oh, wait! It’s the diaper! It’s totally making you feel little, isn’t it?”

      “Umm. I mean… I guess.”

      Rachael started to baby talk to her as she gestured Penny into bed with her. “Aww. My adorable little Penny is so tired after being a big strong girl. Well, now it’s sleepy time. We need to get some sleep so we can go play some more later. Is that okay?”

     Penny nodded. Words were difficult for her now. Rachael had found a way to melt Penny now and they both loved it. Rachael helped Penny find a good spot to lay down in front of her. “Go ahead and suck on your thumb, too. That’ll help you feel calm and comfy.”

     Rachael patted Penny’s padded butt as she sucked her thumb. Penny was red in the face and Rachael watched as she drifted off to sleep. Rachael covered them both up. She was having the best afternoon she could have imagined. She was laying in bed with someone that was wearing a diaper. Rachael herself was wearing a diaper. She was getting a chance to see what it was like to baby someone in real life. Last week, this may have been a repulsive act to her, but now this was pure enjoyment. Though there was some sexual tension, it was mostly platonic. The two of them had adulted for so long recently that an overwhelming desire to just be nurtured had taken over. The hastily bought diapers only accelerated their drive to little out. With her own personal teddy bear laying in front of her, she snuggled Penny close and fell asleep. 

     Being an adult was hard. Taking a nap in a diaper was amazingly easy. 

[1358456]

Review Response, Dec 29 2019 - Jan 4 2020

A lot of stuff here. ... Yay!!

Legacy #009

1) Omg the confession chapter! Loved this chapter to bits! Also happy 2020!

Yes! The confession has finally happened! Hell, it’s about time. Happy 2020, the year of the rat 庚子年!

2) Lol sun being A scared shit and A sweet confession. Looking forward to the next chapter

Sun being terrified... heh. It’s what Black would be in that situation. Sun? ... Who knows. The next chapter might happen soon, depends on how this chapter went!

3) Hehe, it really did work out for the best for Blue. Makes perfect sense to give Platinum the LuckyShipping confession MVP award now. Her little chat with Red was probably the best scene in this chapter for me.

Nice to see a fluffy chapter before the action kicks in again. Poor Yellow, though - she's going to be suffering for a bit...though it would be nice to see if/how Yellow gets over it. And I wonder what the "calling" thing is about. I suspect her target is a Mimikyu, but is this more Moon's instinct saying that a potential new team member is nearby or maybe there's some psychic stuff going on here?

Anyway, it's nice to see this story finally getting so many reviews! Happy New Year! As always, can't wait for the next chapter!

Hehe. Platinum the MVP, even though she really didn’t want to interfere in the matter. ... And no one’s going to be giving thanks to White or Y. Hahaha.

Poor Yellow? Not yet. It’s too soon. And no, the target is not a Mimikyu. Sun already has one. And you know from the overhaul post that Moon does not get a Mimikyu. Moon gets a Banette. And in the Thrifty Megamart, there are wild Shuppets. Fun fact: I do research to see what Pokemon are in what area so the Dex Holders will run into a Pokemon that makes sense in that area. Psychic stuff? Nah. Ghost stuff.

And Happy New Year to you too!

4) AAAAAAH THEY DID IT OH MY GOD THE FLUFF IS REAL

The fluff is real and it’s going to get fluffier. It’s going to be so fluffy that Yellow suffocates and Red and Blue get a bad case of static shock. ... Wait, what?

5) They’ve finally done it and platinum once again proving to be of help to both red and blue in getting the together. Your slowly making platinum one of my personal new favourites from these and I fine with that. It’s a really sweet chapter. Anyways Happy new years!

Platinum’s so nice. Hehehe... She’s a wonderful character! ... Yeah, yeah. Bias. Happy New Year!

6) I love the interactions between White and Y - they honestly seem really close and it’s really nice to see! I love the chapter I hope you had a good New Year’s Eve and Christmas and thank you for the new chapter!

I like the interactions between White and Y too, which is why I put in a lot of them. And they’re not exactly a senior/junior type, but rather, good friend type. Hence Y’s line of “oh eat my ass” in the last chapter.

7) Loved iT! Looking forward to the next chapter

Thank you. More to come soon...ish?

8) So excited to see if moon hits the Pokemon. Loved this chapter and white with the rapidash was great

Hehe. Of course Moon would hit it. White failing miserably in riding Rapidash, just like in that one SC chapter (SC #007: Memory Lane).

9) I'm glad Blue managed to confess her feelings for Red after struggling so hard with them. Crushes are really stressful, and in her case in particular, with her fear of getting close to and hurting others- just ah. The secret's out, and Red reciprocates. Now at least they'll have this moment of happiness! ...Though poor Yellow has rather unfortunate timing.

Is Moon being called to by a Mimikyu, I wonder? That'd be a strong and cool addition to her party!

Only happiness awaits for Red and Blue! ... Until the plot hits them, as foretold. Yellow’s purpose in the story is now halfway over.

And no, Moon is not being called by a Mimikyu.

10) Awwwww that was really cute! Hope we get more fluff next chapter!

Oh, there will. Flufftacular chapters are inbound.

11) Looking forward to the next chapter!

Thank you.

12) Hey again, hope your New Years went well! Glad to see an update to this story. Regarding the latest chapter, I'm pretty mixed - but not in a bad way.

The first half was pretty enjoyable to read. Honestly, Red does seem like he's become the person to think things over a bit before diving in from what I saw in FRLG and him asking Platinum what was up with Blue was enjoyable. Red also deciding to take the leap and press the issue to not prolong Blue's suffering was pretty fun to read too. I half expected Blue to go on a rant about why she likes Red to him, she seems like the kind of person to justify everything (since you've shown her thoughts and rationale about why she "musn't" let Red she likes him in earlier chapters) but I guess it wasn't needed or maybe she'll do it when she's a bit calmer. I'd like to see Red react to him unknowingly saving her back in Chapter 1. Also, I've said it before - I used to like Red and Yellow, but this kinda does cement why I like Red and Blue - I kinda got a kick out of Yellow spying on the two of them, felt somewhat ironic.

I might be the only one but I kinda just gloss over the Sun and Moon parts of the story. I still read them, but I just feel more invested in the older Dex Holders' adventures since they're more emotional and I'm way more attached to those guys.

Regardless of my personal bias, great chapter. Looking forward to more as always.

Red is reckless when it comes to like... battling and combat. But outside of that, he’s not stupidly reckless. And hopefully, given how old he is in Legacy, he would’ve mellowed even more. And so he is now considerate. Huzzah! Blue will go on a ramble and talk about her fears later on once things have settled. Right now, she would be quite exhausted, actually. And then she and Red can have that discussion that was in Destiny, but in Legacy with updated interactions and no doomsday on the horizon. Getting a kick out of Yellow getting heartbroken, huh? Hahaha. ... More to come later.

Eh, it’s not that surprising. After all, statistically, the newest Dex Holders are generally ignored by the readers. Black and White in SA, X and Y in early Destiny, and now Sun and Moon in early (still) Legacy. Now, Sun and Moon aren’t that new anymore, so they’re not being as ignored, but they’re still the newest (since we don’t know sh*t about Sword and Shield yet), so... yeah.

13) Loved this blue being shy is so unexpected aswell!

Timid Blue is unexpectedly cute, eh? Hehehe...

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Surprised that no one talked about the title. I guess f*ck Heart, right? Heh.

So, good news is... the newest chapter is above 10. So... update will happen in this month. “Bad” news is... the update fails to reach the average. But given how the average was raised, the updated chapter is still above most of the others, and it’s been less than a week, so... update will still happen this month, just not this week or the next. Give me some time off, eh?

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DE #003

1) These two cinnamon rolls are so cute!

Yep. Black and White are stupidly cute together, whether they’re surrounded by fluff or blood.

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DE #013

1) Cute Ruby and White.

Surprisingly cute, huh? Same goes for Sapphire & Black!

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DE #020

1) Red and Blue (female) are so cute!

Yep! That they are! Hehehe.

2) So cute

Yes indeed.

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DE #021

1) Just give her a ring and kiss her already. Geez these two are so cute.

Hehe. Short Story - The Question. Pop the ring!

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DE #028

1) Cute,l!

Well, I guess this chapter was cute. Its prequel, however... hehe...

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DE #031

1) Good stuff. Will take a long while for Sun and Moon to even be this intimate tho. What with all the fighting.

I don’t think Sun and Moon can ever actually be that intimate. For one, Moon will have to surgically remove that coin lodged in his brain, and someone will have to shove a classy romance novel into his face over and over until he learns the concept of flirting and proper responses.

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There’s no need to see the DE chart, so...

SC #015

1) Coming back to this chapter after knowing what Red's up to makes their job occupations work very, very well together. Blue provides the advanced technology, Red carries out the "fieldwork". Both manage to work unique occupations during the day and still spend a wholesome time together when they're back home. Loving their dynamic!

Oddly, the Covert Ops series, whose idea I scrapped, has come back in a very weird fashion. Instead of Blue doing the fieldwork (or Rakutsu), she’s just providing the tech to Red. Interesting.

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SC #017

1) *Mission Impossible theme plays with the sound of jingle bells and terrified shrieks of thugs in the background*

Merry (late!) Christmas to the unfortunate baddies of the world who Dex Holders deliver justice to. Can't say I ever expected Red to become a hitman, let alone dress up as Santa Claus and deal out punishment to evildoers. Sure was a hilarious read, however!

“Santa Claus is gunning you down~” Ahem.

Red the mercenary. And coincidentally, the chapter is based on a Hitman Santa rampage that I used to do back in the days. “Santa’s coming to town!”

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I appreciate what you did, but... +1/+1 doesn’t actually do much. Like, SC #015 is now no longer the least reviewed chapter, but instead, TIED at the least reviewed chapter, along with the Wings update from many months ago. The two chapters you put the pity reviews for, are still not even at half of the story’s average. +4/+4 from now, and then maybe we’ll see.

[soysaucevictim]

Third week... late to post again.

-

July 11

I woke up before 1PM.

Spent a few hours gaming and watching Youtube before making today’s HF dinner. Pasta parmesan. Better than yesterday’s meal. Might look to buying an oven safe skillet down the line. Don’t think the cookware we have is, so had to transfer pasta to a casserole dish for last step. Probably over-ate a little.

After some gaming and dishes, I did my exercise.

First, today’s DD. 40 plank rotations with EC. This took some doing, but glad I could manage.

Second, Day 13 of the 1′CC. 1′ squats. One go, 40 reps. This is one of the hard ones to complete full of ROM very fast. Because 40 fast squats are pretty breezy.

Last, Day 13 of the  XTP. Arm work again. Numbers.

Tricep extensions (a bit more in total than prev, elbow complained a little too much to push it): 10-10-8-8-8

Alt. bicep curls: 40-36-30-26-22

Spent time venting abt family garbage and distracting self with the JD@tE TV Tropes article. Went to bed late, roughly same time as yesterday.

-

July 12

I woke up proper around 2PM, today.

After a bit of Tumblr, took a shower and started exercising.

First, today’s DD. 1′ squat hops with EC. Quads were burning and sore hip adductors made this a willpower game. Definitely had to slow down pace considerably after the first 10-20″. I counted 78 reps, by the end.

(After going to the facility where dad’s at and getting some things taken care of...)

Second, Day 14 of the 1′CC. 1′ knee strikes. One go, 46 reps. I alternated sides with each rep, so I could potentially squeeze more out by doing one side and then the other.

Last, Day 14 of the  XTP. Leg day, a bit daunting with aforementioned sore muscles (and overeating). Side lunges weren’t super deep. But I got it done. Numbers:

Forward lunges (alt): 40-32-26-22-22

Goblet squats: 30-28-24-20-18

Spent rest of night chatting and browsing YouTube. Got to bed late.

-

July 13

I woke up around 2PM.

One of the first things I did today was my exercise.

First, today’s DD. 2′ elbow clicks with EC. 136 reps, happy I could keep the arms making consistent contact at that pace/duration.

Second, Day 15 of the 1′CC. 1′ climbers. One go, also 136 reps. I kinda wished I had a timer in my face because I wasn’t totally sure if I was keeping a sustainable pace.

Last, Day 15 of the  XTP. Arm work. Probably the curls were the only relatively easy part. Anyways, here’s my numbers:

Bilateral bicep curls: 12-10-8-8-6

Lateral raises (again, halved weight): 12-10-8-6-6

Dad was discharged today. Spent time talking and sharing vids with him. Also chatted and whatnot.

I miraculously managed to get to bed around 1AM - in the green. I think that speaks to just how fucking tired I was, today.

-

July 14

Been up since around 10AM.

Got roped into accompanying dad and the grandparents to get some medication and appointments settled. This took 4 fucking hours. I’m fucking exhausted. Bringing my 2DS was a good call... =_=

Got home, ate, and gamed a bit before working out.

First, today’s DD. 1′ jumping jacks with EC. 67 reps by the time was up. Just about manageable.

Second, Day 16 of the 1′CC. 1′ skiers. One go, 42 reps. Too tired to come up with anything to say. Except mild indigestion from full stomach beforehand.

Last, Day 16 of the  XTP. Leg / tendon strength / active rest day. I rested 1′ in between sets. And due  to sheer exhaustion - I opted to use my chair as support. Did most of them without dropping the foot down. But only just. I’m just glad I got it done.

Spent rest of night chatting, writing, and whatnot. Got to bed in the red zone.

-

July 15

I woke up around 5AM. (So I was on just about 3 hours of sleep...)

Physically uncomfortable but my mind was abuzz about working on that fic some more. Most of my day was spent chugging along on that with some music and chatting.

Did also some dinner and dishes. But was so consumed by creative endeavor to do my exercise today. Oops. I don’t regret that very much. Got to bed roughly same time as yesterday.

-

July 16

I woke up around 10AM.

Spent a bit of time with YouTube and Twitter before catching up on most of my exercise.

First, yesterday’s DD. 30 side-to-side lunges with EC. Just about doable.

Second, today’s DD. 50 crunches with EC. Did feel my abs as I went along, but it was reasonably challenging!

Third, Day 17 of the 1′CC. 1′knee-to-elbows. One go, 77 reps. Very enjoyable exercise and pace!

Fourth, Day 18 of the 1′CC. 1′ side leg raises. One go, 65 reps. Entertained one side than the next at halfway - but spaced a bit. Decided just to alternate sides each rep the second go around. Very manageable.

Last, Day 17 of the XTP. Arm work again. Numbers:

Alt. bicep curls: 40-36-30-26-22

Tricep extensions (elbow felt a little better): 10-10-8-8-8

Spent rest of day writing, chatting, and listening to music... did get to bed later than yesterday.

-

July 17

I woke up after noon, I believe.

Spent time chatting and stuff before Hello Fresh arrived.

Then spent time working on that meal. Shrimp scampi with roasted broccoli. Pretty delicious and relatively simple. Split the 4 portions onto 3 plates today, so I definitely overate a lil. :P

After dishes and browsing some tags, I went into today’s exercise.

First, today’s DD. 15 downward/upward dogs with EC. Not amazing form, but I’m just happy I got through it.

Last, Day 18 of the XTP. Leg day. Aerobic and kicked my ass. Numbers:

Split lunges into shoulder presses (awkward and the shoulder press part was the harder part): 14-10-8-6-6

Goblet squats: 32-30-26-22-20

Spent time chatting, browsing, and gaming before getting to bed.

[steamishot]

Habits

I’ve been making some lifestyle changes lately. Most, if not all my life, I’ve done things in a rush. I tend to value speed (maybe because I find the task more challenging and more fun if I race against time lol) when I complete tasks, and I realize I’ve been quite unaware that I do this. Little everyday things, like getting ready in the morning, taking a shower, peeing, washing my hair, combing my hair, applying lotion, blow drying my hair- I realize I rush through it and just hope I show up presentable. I wasn’t that aware until Matt pointed it out a few times, and I realize it when I’m on a trip with a few other girls and how quickly I’m able to get ready and how little effort I put in. I’ve been taking small but promising changes towards self-care. I’m slowing down during the shower and enjoying my time there more instead of viewing it as task that I just wanna get over with (kinda like how I view washing dishes or doing laundry). In a sense, I’m learning to embrace my feminine side and be okay with the time and effort I spend on myself. I only get one face and body in this lifetime after all.

I’m also translating this onto my hobbies/work out goals. In the past, I’ve focused on results, and wanted results quick. I would work extra hard in the beginning and then burn myself out and then stop altogether. I’ve been listening to a podcast called GeniusBrain. The hosts are Asian American youtube entertainers, and I think they provide a lot of good life advice and insight, while presenting it in a way that is authentic and funny. In one episode, as they talked about fitness, they mentioned that it is very common for people who are new to working out to want to see results quickly. And they described the same thing I went through multiple times. Their advice for someone who was completely sedentary and wanted to become more active was – JUST START WALKING EVERYDAY. Easy enough goal right? I only realized that more important to having big goals was the ability to be disciplined and form habits. My work out endeavors in the past didn’t really work for me, in hindsight, because the routine was too complex for me to absorb. I would follow youtube videos with weight training and cardio, but without the videos, I was at a loss. Maybe around Fall 2019, I started doing a mile run after work. I remember taking like 13 minutes to run a mile, but being so out of breath and lightheaded after I completed it.

In December, I made a goal to do 10k steps at least 5x/week. This is easy to accomplish during a workday, but I don’t track it as much during the weekend. I’ve consistently been taking my two breaks each work day to walk, and my body has significant improvements. Most days (excluding the days when I’m super exhausted from lack of sleep and/or traveling) I run 2+ miles on a treadmill at home. If I have a hours of free time over the weekend, I’ll do 5 miles. This is mindless, as I don’t have to think too much about following a youtube video, but instead I get to run while watching a show, which makes exercising much more bearable and fun. Now when I get home and don’t work out, my body feels weird and craves a workout. I’m happy to have formed a habit!!! I didn’t even run this much when I “trained” for a half marathon a few years ago. I eventually want to incorporate this ten minute muscle toning work out into my routine, but I’ll wait until my running habit has really developed. But my lesson is, doing less consistently is actually more in the long run.

This is the same with drawing. It helps when I am drawing things for other people, as it holds me accountable. At the same time, it is much more fulfilling to draw for a purpose – to bring joy to others. I know that I try harder when I’m drawing for other people than for myself. It’s only been a few weeks so far, but I’ve been drawing more consistently than I ever have since like high school. I think as an adult, hobbies can easily be seen as a waste of time if you’re not it for some monetary or health value, at least IMO. But I think illustration is a valuable skill in the design world, and it’s something I can add to my portfolio. In any case, I think doing something/building on any skill is better than not doing anything at all.

Notable events-

My bro and wife just bought a pretty expensive house in Gardena. They will probably move into it the end of the month. It is by far the nicest/biggest house in our family and they were able to do it with their parents’ help (mostly her parents). There was a joke that Trevor Noah did, about what college degree is the most useful- and the answer is rich/successful parents. I am happy for them. At the same time, I feel like there was no struggle on their part, but kinda leeching off parents. Her parents are still fairly young, so I don’t mind too much, but I get sad seeing that my parents are getting old, and they sacrifice so much just for their child to have a less stressful life. I am happy to know that my parents give what they can “for the next generation”, but they also have firm boundaries.

My grandma has 7 kids, and some send her money every month. Lately, my grandma has been giving me more money than before. She always wants to pay when we eat out, and gives me money every time I go on trips. I used to be uncomfortable accepting it, and always declined it. But now, I understand that it makes her happy that I accept her support. So now I just take it and say thank you. In my perspective, I think she thinks her time left is limited, so she’d rather “invest” in me because it’s more worthwhile.

Also, my SIL told my mom she’s pregnant.

I am leaving to NYC tomorrow! The more I go, the less ideas I have of what to do when planning out our itinerary, but I am just excited to be able to cuddle and give each other tight hugs and be there physically with each other. We had one of our worst fights over the weekend, and it spanned like 4 days, just because our free time doesn’t overlap enough to finish arguing lol. It is funny but it also is a really sucky feeling, because we both end up going to sleep upset and can’t talk about it until after work the next day. I am trying to make light of it now, but I felt pretty depressed going through it. Deep breathing helped. 

I want to document this so I can remember in the future - what happened was during/after night shifts, he just never “bounced back”. I stayed getting not as much attention (which may be the normal amount of communication in some LDRs, but it was a drastic change for me, perhaps because he used to spoil me before). We barely texted, barely got to talk in depth, and he was learning to be more efficient with his time and have more self-care (sleeping early, unwinding more, drinking less coffee) that he came off cold and distant to me. I accepted it as the norm during night shift, but was expecting that he return to “normal” afterwards. Anyway, because I was already in an insecure state of mind due to the perceived difference in behavior, I took it really personally when I was trying to plan out moving in together and he couldn’t give me an estimated timeline. I started feeling like he had some reservations about me that was preventing us from moving forward. His explanation was that - he doesn’t know what program he will be going to (will find out if he gets in on Match day), and doesn’t want to plan ahead because he doesn’t want to get his hopes up. I didn’t understand this, because to me I was just talking hypothetically. However, I didn’t really consider how emotionally heavy Match day could be to him. He did work very hard for a decade to get where he is at, and his future is still not guaranteed. So, even though I feel like my life is “on hold”, I can be patient and wait another month to find out. 

Got a pap smear done yesterday. 

Work updates: there was a period of time when things were quite slow for me. I noted in a blog post about how guilty I was feeling, and how odd I felt around my supervisor. I tended to hide in my room and not interact with my supervisor. Thankfully, work is picking up as we are preparing for the incoming and terminating housestaff. I’ve been making a bigger effort to build relationships with people, and interact more with my supervisor.

Edit: these days feel pretty sucky to me. I think I’ve been extra lonely because my best hometown girlfriend has a boyfriend now, and we barely hang out anymore. Although in the grand scheme of things, I am very fortunate. I told my coworkers I was going to NYC this weekend, and one of them responded, “you’re so lucky!”. These days have been more challenging, with more questions of “is it worth it to put up with this relationship” as I’m feeling pretty neglected and unhappy. But I know it’s the combination of things - feeling stagnant with my life, not as challenged at work (although work is sometimes quite enjoyable), not having my close friend around a lot, etc. 

Sometimes I look at how my bro and his wife just lounge and relax and go out on dates. And I think about how that different that is from my life with Matt. Everything between us is fast paced, we are always on the go, and tired. Today, I received notice that I got a speeding ticket in NOLA. I also received a fine from the car rental company. Driving there was stressful and tiring already. I was also a bit salty that I drove the entire trip, and no one offered to help out. This is my first ever speeding ticket and I’d hate to have to pay it fully. This news made me feel shittier. I tried to think of positive things, like that I randomly received a tax refund from 2016, and the check would cover my tickets almost exactly. And another positive thing was that I forgot my iPad on the plane and was able to get it back. Lastly, if these are the things I am sad about, then I have it pretty good. 

Second edit: I realize I feel better when I talk to friends/acquaintances/work friends about things. It helps put my situation into perspective. I was feeling like a victim regarding my parking ticket, but $140 isn’t bad compared to the $300-500 speeding tickets in LA. My work mom just laughed at me saying, you? speeding ticket? HAHAHA congratulations. It reminds me that I do take my life too seriously sometimes. My friends on the trip are also “donating” to this cause, so it also takes the load off and I appreciate it a lot. 

[brianculmo]

A Trip Around the WURL Part 2: Survival

The WURL has been on my list pretty much since I moved to Utah. reading about it is extremely daunting, and this is one of the few things that gets crazier the more you familiarize yourself with it. Primer on the WURL for the uninitiated: 

-WURL= Wasatch Ultimate Ridge Linkup

-Ridgeline traverse of the entire Little Cottonwood Canyon watershed

-36+ miles

-20,000ft+ climbing

-15+ named peaks and many more unmamed ones (some informally named ones; I’m looking at you Gary, UPWOP, There will be Blood)  

-Mostly ridgeline scrambling class 3-5 climbing, very little on an actual trail

-Brainchild of the legendary Jared Campbell

-More info, a better description, and a list of finishers of this thing can be found on the official website for the routon Jared’s website: https://door5.com/2015/08/23/wasatch-ultimate-ridge-linkup-wurl/

Just getting to the ridge is a major task for most hikers and runners, so reconing the route can be tedious and lengthy efforts. Luckily I was in full mountain 100 miler training, so the vert and technicality to check out the route was right up my alley. With the emotional and physical abyss left behind from my DNS at High Lonesome 100 I was in need of a new challenge to occupy my mind and my legs. I kicked the idea of at least doing recon the route more this summer for a while, but things really kicked into reality when I tagged along on a Cottonwood traverse with Aaron and Justin. Doing the first third of the route planted the seed big time. I was ready to dive in 100%. I set a goal for myself to making an attempt 2 weeks later. I knew I had to do it soon, and without overthinking it to avoid backing out. I knew the more I knew about everything would probably deter me from trying something so stupid. Either way, I spent the next 2 weeks devoting all my spare time training and figuring out the logistics of this thing. There's no water virtually anywhere on the route, and by the time I started, I had only done less than half of the route total. They say ignorance is bliss, and I definitely felt I was toeing the line between preparedness and excitement for the unknown.

More on my prep leading up to the WURL in part 1 of this post here: http://borderlinedesigns.tumblr.com/post/166513257316/a-trip-around-the-wurl-pt1-getting-there

Before I knew it I found myself at Ferguson Canyon Trailhead at 4AM with Seth Myer who was going to join me on the first 10ish miles to Superior. Upon arrival we found Drew Peterson who was simultaneously embarking on his WURL attempt. We exchanged a few pleasantries, and he set off about 2 minutes ahead of us. I assumed i would see him again at some point, I was wrong. I kind of saw him twice, once near the top of BF twins, and then way later as his lamp was descending the notch at like 2 AM the next night and I was sitting on South Thunder. Huge props to his incredible Solo 23hr ish finish!

The first big climb was controlled and we were able to navigate the tricky ascent to the correct ridge coming out of Ferguson. We were making decent time up to BF twins and across the ridge. I really wasn't worried about speed, just about moving as efficiently as possible. As we got close to Monte Cristo, It was apparent I was moving a little faster than Seth, so we separated, and I pressed on. I made it down to Cardiff Pass in around 7hrs30min. I was planning on meeting a friend there with water, but I was way ahead of my predicted time there and he was about an hour away, so I was without luck. I was kind of out of water, and needed some to get to my next crew point at Catherine Pass. I ran into another runner on the ridge, a guy who I no know is Ben Jensen, who was gracious enough to offer me some extra water. I also found the leftover water cache from Drew who was about an hour ahead of me at this point. He had left a few liters with a note to me saying I could take whatever I needed. This was literally a lifesaver.Usually I’m against raiding others cached supplies, but there was a note and I knew Drew was ahead and did not need this water anymore. Huge Thanks to Drew and Ben for saving my ass!

The next section is relatively cruiser. There was kinda a trail at some points! I knew I had a ton of miles and peaks ahead, so even though I was feeling good in this section, I was consciously taking it easy. There were no cutoffs to fight, and I was on my own timeline to just finish. Feeling good was more important than being a few minutes faster. Eventually I made it to Catherine Pass where Justin was waiting with a Mountain Dew, some snacks and most importantly his great attitude and company. Justin joined me as we did Devils Castle which was gloriously wild. We had a grand ole’ time piecing our way through one of the cruxes of the route technically speaking. It was a high point for me for sure, I was feeling good and moving good. We just kept plugging along and just focused one step at a time. I acquired my stash of food that I left atop Sugarloaf lift at Alta, and we pushed on to Snowbird tram station where I was beyond excited to eat some pizza. We got to Snowbird at like 6pm and there were a lot of tourists hanging out up there having taken the tram up. It was bizarre experience being halfway through this ridiculous feat, and having no one else having any idea what I was going through. I really enjoy those moments where the crazy feats of ultrarunning, and big endurance efforts intersect with “normal” society.

Justin left me at Snowbird and took the tram back down to his car. I was alone to do the Bullion Divide solo until I met up with Aaron at Red Lakes Pass. As the sun was setting I was feeling decent, the scale of the day starting to catch up to me. I just had to focus on just moving forward. I had put my headphones in going up Red Baldy and was just plugging along to music. Then randomly my headphone cord snagged on a rock and ripped my phone out of my pocket and straight off a 400ft cliff. I noticed only as the music cut out. Upon inspection I realized my phone was way out of reach. I could have maybe down climbed off the ridge to grab it, but I figured it was gonna be like a half hour excursion and probably on heinous, loose rock. I decided to just make a mental note as to where it was, and come and grab it during the week. (At the time I forgot my wallet and ID were in my phone case, so I probably should of went to get it. I wasn’t in physical shape to be able to go look for my phone until over a week later. After 2 unsuccessful search missions up into the random rock field high in white pine drainage, I gave up and the phone is now lost forever to the mountain.) At the time, i actually didnt even care that much. Being 18+ hours into my day, I was solely focused on finishing the WURL, and literally everything else was of secondary concern. My effort over the next many hours took my complete attention and dedication to get through, and the phone really wasn't gonna help me.

I was able to push on up and over white Baldy as the sun was setting. I made a few primal yells to Aaron who was waiting below on the ridge, he made some noises back, so I knew he was there somewhere. Who needs a phone in communicating when you can just hoot and holler in the mountains? The descent off white baldy proved to be particularly terrible. This section is just a nasty, sharp, loose rock pile in which its pretty easy to veer off into a worse, nastier, looser rock face. I was starting to get pretty bummed about losing my phone, and was pretty over everything at that point. I just wanted to get to Aaron, so I wouldn't have to think anymore. No matter how I felt getting to Aaron below Pfeifferhorn, it never crossed my mind to pull the plug there. I couldn’t allow myself the room to think about not finishing, it would be too easy to give in to those thoughts.

When I got to Aaron, I was quite thrashed from my hairy descent off white baldy and wanted to just take a nap. Aaron didn't let me, instead I drank some coke and pushed on following in his steps. I told Aaron that I couldn’t really think/ make route decisions at this point and that it was best for me to just follow him. I was too nervous I would just wander off the ridge into the abyss. Thinking about anything beyond the immediate moves ahead of me was too overwhelming and I tried (pretty unsuccessfully) to block those thoughts out. Pfieff and UPWOP were a welcome reprieve as we just plugged along. I had never been on anything beyond Pfiefferhorn before, so It was crucial having Aaron with me. I cannot imagine navigating myself through that solo.

Things got real in the middle of the night near South Thunder. At this point, eating had become more difficult than before and my general moral was shifting from focused and moving forward to exhausted anxiety. I knew there was some crux sections still to go, and I was growing increasingly anxious for the final few hurdles.

The very recent tragedy of fellow local mountain enjoyer, Zac Zimmerman and the unfortunate accident that cost him his life were very much on mine and Aaron’s mind. Zac had died only 2 months prior on the exact section we were about to travel through. As someone who takes calculated risks in the high alpine, I was particularly saddened by the accident. I was never fortunate enough to meet Zac, but everyone who I know who did get to spend time with him spoke highly of his positive demeanor and love of the mountains. Even starting the WURL with such recent events heavy on the mind was hard. I purposely was quiet about my intentions in respect for those close to Zac. My attempt was in all respect to Zac and his family. I wanted to uphold his legacy and continue on pursuing mountain adventures as he would have surely wanted. As the popular hashtag #livelikezac evokes, we need not live in fear and away from the places that bring us happiness, but embrace the journey in beautiful places spent with great friends.

As we neared Bighorn, Aaron mentioned and described the exact place of Zac’s accident. Aaron was familiar with the area and knew what laid ahead. He was confident in our ability to get through it safely. I trusted him, and I tried to trust myself despite a sea of emotions of self doubt and anxiety. I told Aaron that I didn’t want to know the exact spot of the accident, as it would surely make things worse. Things were still really bad. I’d say I was pretty close to a full on panic attack at 3am on some scary ridge, some 23 hours into this crazy adventure. I had no choice but to continue on. I just had to focus intensely on each individual move. I had already overcome so much, I was capable of everything ahead of me. I just had to execute.

We reached the summit of Lone Peak right as the sun was starting to peek over the mountains to the east. I had never been atop Lone Peak before, and it felt fitting to summit in such a ridiculous fashion and circumstances. My anxiety did not subside being on the last summit. We still had a long ways to go. I was determined to get the legitimate WURL finish by exiting Bells Canyon. This route is definitely the worst/hardest way off Lone Peak.  I had heard nightmarish tales of The Notch; a super steep chute of loose rock and snow that deposits into upper bells. Luckily we were able to navigate through The Notch and into the rock field below in the daylight. The descent was as bad as advertised; sketchy at best, death defying at worst. At this point my feet were oddly sore. I had basically destroyed my shoes by now. The outsole and foam had completely ripped off both heels and other chunks were straight up missing. Those sharp rocks destroy everything. The arches of my feet were oddly bruised and sore to the point where every single step was painful on both feet. Again, I didn't have a choice but to push on. My feet weren't going to get better with rest, and I just needed to get myself out of the woods; easier said than done. From the bottom of the notch until the time we finally intersected with the trail was a solid hour of boulder hopping and wandering in a hopeful direction. 

Finding the trail was a sweet relief, but I still had at least 5-6 miles more to go, and my feet were excruciatingly painful by now. It was 8AM when we hit the trail. I somehow got it in my head that I wanted to finish in under 30 hours, which meant by my semi delirious math that we had to push to get out in time. 6 miles downhill on a trail in 2 hours seems easy to most, but this was right on the edge of my ability at the time. I knew we were going to be close, and that We couldn't slow down or stop at all. This is where I really dug deep into the well, like very few times I ever have. Every time I put a foot down I wanted to scream out in pain. I felt like I was going to pass out from the pain. We shuffle/ran/powerwalked every step the last 2 hours. Stopping at all was out of the question and would undoubtedly result in a mental/physical/emotional breakdown. As we got closer I started to open up on the slightly less technical trail. I made the realization that running faster, while still extremely painful, wasn't any worse than running slow. I put a move on and just pushed to the end. I was somehow dropping Aaron and probably running sub 7 minutes the last mile. When I got to the trailhead I literally showed Aaron the time on my watch and collapsed.

29 hours 53 minutes. I had gotten through one of the toughest physical, mental and emotional challenges of my life. It took all my energy to get through, and was fully committing. I couldn’t stand up or get myself to do anything but cry in pain. Even just lying down was excruciating. I found my limit and went beyond it, not by choice but by necessity. The last third of the route was almost straight survival and I had to deploy every single strategy to keep myself moving forward and from going into a full emotional breakdown. Upon completion I let the emotions come, but I was so spent nothing really mattered. I just wanted to lie down. After Aaron dropped me off at my truck (which is my house), I was without contact with the outside world with no phone or anything. I tried to sleep, but it was midday in the summer and it was stupid hot. My feet burned in pain, even while lying down. I was wrecked.

Eventually my life got put together. I went through the charade of getting a replacement phone while limping around town. It took me a solid 4-5 days to be able to walk normally again. I am still unsure as to what happened with my feet as it stumped even my doctor. It took another week to be able to go search for my phone unsuccessfully. I replaced my card and ID. Life went on as normal, and to me that was just great. I felt back on track after this monumental effort. I had successfully done something very few people have done. My WURL finish was a step in confirming my previously shakey self identity as a mountain runner. I was eager to take the success from the WURL and turn it into another good performance at my recently decided next challenge: IMTUF 100 miler in September.

More on IMUTF100 coming soon…

[writingsonmywall]

The Kitchen

This is a rewrite of my previous story, mainly because kinda (?) Had bad grammar back then. here is the new version of the story, i hope i did it right this time. (Lol)

Of all the places in our home, I always, always stay out of the kitchen. It wasn't because I was scared—well, a part of me was—but mostly because my mom told me to stay away from it. She said it was for grown-ups only. I figured maybe it's because there are utensils in there that weren't safe for kids, so I obliged without question. But as the years went on, I remember I was 16 when I asked again why I wasn't allowed in. She dismissed my query and told me playfully—there were monsters in that kitchen. Irritated, I marched towards the kitchen as an act of rebellion. To prove that I was responsible enough to be around dangerous utensils without getting hurt; and old enough without being afraid of monsters. She blocked me and slapped me across the face, hard. I remember feeling a bit disoriented because of the fact that my own mother hurt me because of a room in the house. All I saw was red. From anger, and hurt. I remember I cried inside my room and didn't go out til the next day.

The next day I never saw her again; but she left a note on the counter beside my breakfast.

"Other people may go in the kitchen, but not you. Please, my dear daughter, stay away from it. I beg you. Please do your best to remember me; for I cannot be with you anymore. It's not your fault. Remember that. I'm sorry to leave this way but know that I love you, always and forever. Goodbye."

I didn't go to school that day, or the following days after that. I just cried and cried and held my mother's note, clutching it to my chest, and read it all over again.

That note became the only thing that reminded me of my mom. Her handwriting, that I have now memorized, was the only memory I have of her now. Her strokes, so delicate and careful, as if someone let her write that down with as much love so that i can still feel it, even though she's long gone.

Now that I'm 6 years older, I admit it's a little silly for me to still stay out of the kitchen. But as a promise to her, I will never set foot in it.

Still, I can't rely on take outs from restaurants all the time; so I hired a maid who takes care of my meals for me, just so I stay away from that room. One time I asked her what the kitchen looked like, and she told me it had a stove, a sink, a dishwasher, cabinets full of silverware, and an exhaust. The answer she gave me was anticlimactic, to say the least. I felt disappointed—I was expecting more. A reason, I guess, that would explain why my mom was adamant to keep me out of the kitchen.

I wanted to know. I wanted to see it for myself.

I spent all night thinking of a loophole so that I can still keep my promise to my mom of not setting foot in the kitchen, and came up with a great idea on how to do it. I placed my camera on top of a remote controlled car I bought just for this reason, and secured it with a duct tape so it wouldn't fall down. I then connected the camera to the laptop so it would give me a live feed on what's happening in the kitchen. So technically, I'm not disobeying her.

I placed the car in the hallway leading to the kitchen, and proceeded to drive the car inside. I then looked at my laptop and from there, I only saw what my maid told me; nothing more, nothing less. I roamed the car around in case something was hidden, but found none. All this time, I've been doing what my mom told me to do, but it turns out there was nothing to be afraid of. Of course she wouldn't want me to go in there as a kid; there were utensils that shouldn't be touched by children. I felt silly and childish to think that I've been scared of nothing all along. I laughed, and, since there's nothing that should be avoided, I stepped in the kitchen for the first time in my life.

When I was a child, I was dreaming of the day when mom would finally allow me in her kitchen. It made me giddy and excited, fantasizing what would be the layout of it would be. I remember thinking it would be magic and I would be awestruck of the things inside. Today, that day came, and it was one of the most anticlimactic experiences in my life. Nothing magical happened, no unicorns or rainbows or secret passageways on the walls. Just a plain old kitchen, with wooden floors and wallpapers that looked vintage. I guess my childish imagination made me expect more.

I decided I've had enough of this and stepped out of the kitchen, continuing my day to day life. The next day, I told the maid to stop working for me, and I thanked her for her services. It's also a good thing I fired her, because her pay was taking too much of my money. I was excited to cook for myself. I know it's a bit childish, but I have never entered the kitchen so I have been relying on my maid to cook for me, either that or ordering fast food online. I burned myself pretty bad from the oil, but my food was edible and somehow tolerable for a first timer. I felt content and ate my food. I've been looking forward to mealtimes ever since.

I started to practice cooking because I found it enjoyable and I wanted to catch up on the years I've never cooked, so after work I would make a beeline straight for the kitchen; trying out the recipes I bookmarked at the office. I must say, I made great progress after 2 weeks, and the food I ate was tastier than what my maid cooked for me. I was glad of my progress that I decided to throw a small get-together, just with my friends to show off my cooking skills. I scheduled the gathering on Saturday after work so I will be the one to cook our dinner. I feel so excited just from thinking about it. I saved a lot of recipes to cook for the dinner party and bought the ingredients needed.

I had less than a week to practice so I'm basically living in the kitchen for 3 days. The only thing I hate about this kitchen is that it smells bad here. I tried Febreeze-ing the room but it only worsened the smell. How my maid could stand the smell, I have no idea, but this smell was becoming worse and worse as the days go by. I figured I have to do something to lessen the smell; my guests might smell the putrid odor from the kitchen so I have to find a way to get rid of it.

'Kitchen smells bad cause'

I googled what might be the reason for the smell of rotten eggs in the kitchen, and it suggested that there may be – what a surprise – rotten eggs, or i may have carbon monoxide contamination. I searched for rotten eggs in the kitchen, thinking maybe I didn't see one of the eggs rolling away from me when I was making deviled eggs last week. I followed the smell into the back of the kitchen, the smell was stronger at the corner near the wall. As i approached the said wall, the smell became stronger and stronger so I figured this might be the place where it came from. The back of the kitchen doesn't have a lightbulb fixed in the ceiling so I crouched down and blindly touched the floor in front of me when I suddenly heard a different sound; as if the floor has a space underneath it. It sounded hollow. I tapped on another area of the floor to check but it didn't sound the same. I opened the flashlight from my phone and saw that there's a hole on the floor that made a hollow sound. I also noticed the smell in here was so putrid, i almost gagged. I therefore concluded then and there that this was the source of the rotten smell. I shone the light inside the hole but unable to see what's inside so i used my phone and recorded everything with flash so i can get a preview on the screen. Moments later, I saw what looked like stairs. Was there a basement in our house? How come I did not know? I stuck my finger in the hole and pulled it, quickly learning that this floor was the basement door. I'm not proud of this moment, but I puked on the floor near the door. I made a mental note to myself to clean that up later.

As I trudged down the old wooden staircase, the smell was growing stronger that I can still smell it even if when I covered my nose. I shone my light inside the room, and it was covered in spiderwebs and rusty metal. I also saw some kind of shrine, with symbols written on it and surrounded by candles. I roamed the room with the flashlight shining the way for me, when it shone on something red and bulky. As i walked closer, I can see that it's a mountain of clothes—wait, no— it was a mountain of bodies. 4 children, to be exact. The sheer terror of what's in front of me worsened when I shone my light to the left corner of the room and I saw a man. Dad. All this time, he didn't abandon me. He was here, dead, all along. By this point I've been too scared to cry. I walked backwards, preparing to run, to escape from this hellish nightmare. But when I turned to run, I heard a familiar sound from behind me.

"Haven't I told you not to go to the kitchen? It's a shame, you were my favorite child out of all your siblings."

[therapy101]

How did you deal with multiple long classes a week? I'm in the second semester of my first year of undergrad. I have 4 3 hour night classes 4 days a week. I feel like death after them and it's only the first week back (and my first year). I don't feel this way after my 2 other (shorter) classes. I kinda feel like a failure and I barely started

yeah, it’s tough. all of my grad classes (except stats) were 3 hours once/week. you’re not a failure- 3 hour classes are illogical because people literally cannot pay attention for that long (attention span is more like 15 minutes) and so trying to maintain attention for that period is both boring and exhausting. 

I’m not sure I did anything extraordinary about them- I made sure I had eaten/had food for during class, always had lots of water or something to drink, took breaks from class when needed, brought my laptop to get other things done during slow periods in class, etc. When I’ve had night classes I try to do something enjoyable but chill afterwards- for awhile I had a class that ended just in time for me to get home to watch Top Chef, and so I’d have that to look forward to. good luck, anon! 

[calamity-bean]

I wish I could manage to write shorter chapters. Not minuscule, just, like ... 5,000 words instead of 10,000. For several reasons, but the main two being:

1. The Kinda Selfless Reason: Shorter chapters = more frequent updates, readers don’t have to wait as long for new content, which is nice, right? I also reckon it’s easier to remember the nuances of plot and keep in the flow of the story. At least, that’s how I feel about the WIPs I follow. Too fast is overwhelming, but too long of a wait, and I sometimes lose the thread...

2. The Kinda Selfish Reason: As every writer knows, what takes weeks to write will take readers mere moments to consume. That’s disheartening, and it's a ratio that tends not to scale in the writer’s favor, imo. A 10k chapter will not necessarily provide enjoyment for twice as long as a 5k, nor receive twice the response. For me, there’s a euphoria that comes with completing & posting a section, but there’s also a crash, an exhaustion, in which I always wonder if I oughtn’t have put that much effort into one chapter.

My big problem, I guess (besides a simple struggle with pith) is that I think I put out a much, much better product when I work in big, thematic chunks that give me time to really figure everything out. My chapters also tend to be pretty slow-burn, in terms of building to the climax, and to be structured in a sort of circular way that really does not feel as satisfying when broken up.

Anyway, I guess this ramble is my way of saying that LOA 22 is finally getting wrapped but ugh I’m debating splitting it but ugh then it wouldn’t have the cliffhanger I’ve been looking forward to and ugh

My fellow long-winded ones, you get me, right?

[datingadviceonreddit]

What's up guys, I'm the dude from the title. Yep that's me, the mormom dude who grow up in a really strict environment.To start, I respect the church and even though I'm inactive I learned a lot of valuable things from the church and I'm grateful for the values and morals I was tought. However, I'm curious and I want to explore the world around me more without the vast restrictions.I'm 23/yr old and about 5'10 or so. Not 6ft so that kinda sucks and honestly feels like a weight on my shoulders when it comes to dating. Thankfully I'm at least decent looking from what I'm told. My confidence on the other hand is pretty low. What confidence i do have is pretty falsified just to show some semi bravado so I get respect from my peers and don't seem like some little twerp.My hobbies are all but non existent. I know I love motorcycles and extreme style hobbies that give me an adrenaline rush or is a near death. Not entirely sure why but they make me feel something and it's extremely enjoyable for me. Normally I'm overly responsible and like a 23 year old boomer but when I get a motorcycle all rules go out the window. I just feel free of the constraints and I do stupid shit. That's the way I got my first criminal speeding ticket. 😅 Yikes, I know. But I did plenty i never got cougbt for an i had an awesome judge who apriciated honestly."Not necessarily relevant-Skip if needed" Backstory is kinda fckd up but who's isn't? I was born to a low life dad who beat his family on the regular. My mom left him around when I was 5 or so. During visitation he'd pretty much beat the shit out of me and mentally fuck with me the whole week/weekend. That went on till I was around 8 or so then around the time I turned 9 we went camping on visitation one summer. I came back pretty messed up. I'd flinch when someone raised their hand or moved too fast. I'd hide or get in the fetal position and cry when people yelled or raised their voice. Idk the rest but I can't remember my childhood for the mostpart so I'm not sure of all the details. What I know is what I was told by my mom. She remarried not long aftet and we moved away. Step dad was pretty mentally abusive and neglectful but he was a good guy. He clothed me and gave me food and a roof over my head. Can't complain about that one bit. "Not necessarily relevant-Skip if needed"Grew up my my life sitting in solitude playing video games because it was the only place I felt safe and actually found enjoyment in. This continued into adulthood for the mostpart and around 21 i wanted to hang out with friends and be more active in own life. It was pretty late at this point and making friends was kinda tough. I had no social skills aside from shit talking in video games. Fast forward to current and I'm much better at social situations and chatting it up with people. I can get along with almost anyone but I've recently come to realize "a friend to all is a friend to none" that day sucked....THE IMPORTANT PART FOR ANYONE IN THIS SUB* Now, onto the actual issues I have that pertain to this sub in particular. I may have social skills on a normal basis now and be chill with people. I seem to catch plenty of glimpses from girls and I catch them staring at times. Others can be flirty and fun to talk to but I have no game whatsoever. I usually just avoid it because I doubt i could keep em interested for more then a day. I've had plenty of tinder ventures that go great and turns into "let's smash" but as a mormon......I'm sure you can figure out the rest so that never really happens.😅I've had 1 relationships that lasted 2 years but it was ldr and she seemed really happy with me but I couldn't keep it up and got exhausted. We drifted and it turns out she was smashing a friend from high school which she politely let me know after I tried to break it off. (FYI-She was 20 dude was just a high school friend)I'm not sure what I'm really asking here but what I do know is I lack confidence, I know I don't look bad or have an issue with attracting anyone but my confidence and my experience are so lacking for what the majority of my encounters turn into. I want to find someone who is patient and not trying to rush anything because I tend to burn bridges fast if I don't like the direction things go. I almost want to say I'm just a wus when it comes to dating but I'm not like that with anything else in life. I clearly have the assets to be attractive enough for girls to want to engage with me but I'm practically scared of women and I have no idea why. A couple days ago I was coming back from the gym and I looked to my left at two girls staring at me at a red light. I got bright red and just looked strait. They honked at me and waves but I literally blasted out of that green light so fast it's not even funny. Idk why I do this HELP MEEEEE!!!TL;DR: Inexperienced guy has confidence issues and runs from girls interested. Can't find the resolve or confidence to handle my shit around women showing interest. via /r/dating_advice

[thelifeoftuan]

Favorite Things

So, if you don’t know this about me yet, there are only three things that I really and truly look (or I guess I should say looked) forward to every year. For most of my life, ever since I could remember, these three things have been things that I have always looked forward to every year. There was one year where I missed just one of those things (go ahead, guess which year that was) and my life kinda fell apart. Not saying that there’s any type of direct, causal relationship, but there’s something there. I thought at that time, I learned a valuable lesson… about some cosmic order of things that I shouldn’t have messed with, and that I had no reason to forsake these things that I have come to love and look forward to every year. …but this year? I don’t know. Things are changing. In fact, things have changed so much already, even within these recent months, that… whatever silly cosmic order was in place has already been shattered and reshuffled into a new order that has yet to be spawned. …I know I’m not making much sense right now as I’m babbling on about the universe and non-tangential yet somehow material things. But I hope to make some sense as I continue forward and elaborate.

Every year, I’ve looked forward to three things: 1) Vu Lan (a Vietnamese-Buddhist holiday), 2) the Oklahoma State Fair, and 3) the Vietnamese/Chinese/Lunar New Year. These three things have somehow brought extra meaning and, in a sense, extra happiness into my life, so much so that for a very long time (pretty much all of my life), my year would have felt incomplete without these things. …you know what I mean? They seemed more solid and more consistent, even more so than my own birthday, or Christmas, or Thanksgiving. It’s like I was born into this world and my DNA was somehow programmed to have these three things become the three things I look forward to every year. Call it tradition. Call it culture. Call it routine. Call it whatever you want. Regardless, these three things have been my three favorite things and truly the only three things I’ve looked forward to every year. Vu Lan. It’s like Mother’s Day and Father’s Day combined into one holiday for Vietnamese Buddhists. My Vietnamese Buddhist youth group, ever since its establishment, has celebrated this holiday, and it holds some of my most precious memories. Maybe it’s because I performed some of the best dances during this holiday. Maybe it’s because I sang some of the most memorable songs during this holiday. Maybe this holiday is the strong reminder of how much I love my parents and my family and how much I owe them. Maybe this holiday is one of those opportunities that I get to spend time with my family and my Buddhist youth group. Maybe it’s the overall meaning of giving thanks to your parents, the sharing of good will and compassion during a season that is highly revered and entrenched into Vietnamese and Buddhist culture. For some reason or another, perhaps all of those reasons and much more combined, Vu Lan has always been one of the holidays that I have always looked forward to, ever since I was a little kid. State Fair. This one’s a given. I won’t delve too much into it since it’s pretty self-explanatory. I love the fair. From the food to the rides to the games. But what I loved the most about it was that every year, ever since I was young, I always made time to go to the fair at least once with my friends. And each time, I’ve enjoyed it so much. Every year, it becomes one of my most fondest memories. I remember the hours we’d spend perusing the fair grounds, the expectation that we’d all blow our money on the carnival games, the expectation that some of my friends would join me on the precarious fair rides, the expectation that we would all fill our stomachs with the unhealthiest yet the most delicious of fair foods. The lights, the sounds, the music, the joy in the air… I loved all of that, and each year, I would leave the fair looking forward to coming back the next year when it returned to Oklahoma. Vietnamese New Year. Gosh. I don’t even know where to begin with this one. If I were to pick any holiday ever in existence to be my favorite holiday, it would be this one. For so many reasons, I don’t even know where to start. The music, the colors, the culture, the traditions, the meaning… everything about the Vietnamese New Year… it has just been something that I have fallen in love with ever since the start. It’s probably the biggest holiday that I celebrate every year. And it’s not just one day. Sometimes, it lasts for a few weeks! It’s exhausting and kinda hectic most years. But I still love it. Probably the biggest reason is that I always go home for the new year and celebrate it with my family and friends. We have a big carnival at my Buddhist youth group center, we’d stay up till midnight counting down until the New Year, and then we’d have a big celebration at midnight with lion dancing. I was never much of a great lion dancer, but it was always something that I came to enjoy as well. Again, maybe it was because I got to do it with my beloved youth group family. We have the big opening performance on New Year’s. Then on another day, we’d go around the city to the Asian markets and stores and dance for them, and that would take all day and by the end of the day, all of us would be hella exhausted but it was all worth it because we had a lot of fun and put in all of our energy into the entire day to bring good luck and fortune to the local Asian businesses (and also, at the same time, make a good chunk of money to help support our youth group). But perhaps my favorite part is the Sunday of the New Year. Everyone would show up to our temple dressed in their best outfits, with the most stylish of suits for the guys and the most beautiful áo dài for the girls. We’d have this big ceremony where each of us would offer a flower to our Buddhist altar in celebration of the New Year. That’s probably the most beautiful part of this holiday. And the music. I cannot even begin to tell you about Vietnamese music and the many songs about the New Year. Each song has so much meaning, whether it’s written about the traditions of the Vietnamese New Year or what celebrating the New Year was like in Vietnam or being away from home during the New Year or about the beautiful sights of the New Year in Vietnam and the promise of good will, good fortune, peace and love in the New Year… these songs are probably some of my favorites within the vast library of Vietnamese music. Everything about the Vietnamese New Year encompasses it into a wonderfully celebrated and beautiful part of my heritage and culture, and it has always been the holiday that I look forward to the most every year. Heh. Even as I am writing about how much I loved these three things… I am finding myself a bit remorseful… partly because I am realizing again just how much I loved these three things… but mostly because of how much I no longer look forward to these things anymore. Why, after practically 27 years of these three things becoming basically an essential part of my life, have they lost all of their meaning? Where did it all fall apart? I think if those of you who know me (or used to know me, I guess) would dig a little deeper, we all can come to the same conclusion as to why I don’t look forward to these three things anymore. Lots of things have happened within this past year, these past couple of months especially. And with the New Year coming up really soon, I just can’t bring myself to be excited about it anymore. Like I said before. Things have changed. This vision of my life that I had before has kinda been shattered, and now, as I’ve previously explained, they’re being reshuffled into something different, something that has yet to materialize. But for some odd reason, I know for a fact that whatever it is, it doesn’t include these three things. I think one of the big things about why this has changed is the fact that I don’t really feel at home when I am home anymore. It definitely wasn’t a change that occurred overnight, that’s for sure. But I feel like the last nail has been placed into the coffin. And now, I just have this want, this hope, this desperate ache, to leave. To completely uproot my life here and take it far, far away and continue it somewhere else, away from this world I was born into and grew up with. For the longest while, I thought that this was just another one of my temporary phases… because I was angry. Or because people I cared about had pissed me off so badly and they had failed me so miserably that I got to the point where I just couldn’t stand to even think about them anymore. And then I realized… it’s not a phase. It’s a change. Maybe in the long run, I won’t be so pissed anymore. But the end result is still probably going to be the same. I need to leave. I need to leave all of this behind. I feel like I’ve changed so much to the point where I’ve become displaced. Displaced from the life that I had previously. This past year, my experience with these three things has become akin to having the life and fun and color sucked out of them. I didn’t enjoy this past New Year as much. I don’t really know why. I just didn��t. Maybe it was because I pretty much worked myself to the bone those weekends and became too exhausted trying to juggle both my life back home and medical school. Maybe because all of my friends weren’t able to show up. Maybe this. Maybe that. I don’t know. I just ended up not enjoying it as much as I did in the previous years. So many things have changed with my life back at my youth group. And to be honest, all of the big events and holidays have become more of a chore and an obligation than any sense of enjoyment. I mean, used to, I’d be one of the first to volunteer for tasks to help prepare for this big event and put 100% of my energy into making it the best it can be, and I’d still have fun in the process. But recently, I’m not quite sure what happened, but the fun has been sucked out of it, and all that’s left is this begrudging feeling of being “voluntold” and forced to help with an often thankless task. It’s the same with Vu Lan. I used to love preparing for Vu Lan, especially with the performances during the celebration. I used to love dancing and singing. But now, it’s like all of the other stuff with my youth group… it’s become a chore and an obligation… and I don’t enjoy it anymore. Singing and dancing used to be some of the best ways that I could ever express myself, so much better than my own words… but recently, it’s like all of that has lost all of its power, and I just don’t have much of my heart left in this old aspect of my life. And as a result, I just don’t feel up to celebrating these holidays anymore. Perhaps the biggest offender was my attendance at the State Fair this past year. I made time out of my residency training to drive back to Oklahoma City for one night to spend it with my friends and go to the State Fair. And you know, at first, it was fun… but then the ugly fun-killer reared its menacing head, and it kinda ruined everything for me. Even the fact that this was the first year that I ever won a prize was ruined. We spent most of the night walking around getting food and playing the carnival games. And the whole night, I was really looking forward to going on the rides. But then while we were walking around trying to find my favorite ride, everyone kinda got tired… and it really seemed like they got tired of me, and they ended up making me feel like I was dragging them around, because obviously, none of them wanted to go on any rides with me. So pretty much, they all stopped, and then a good chunk of the group told me that they were going to go home. And it made me feel really bad, like I was inconveniencing them and making their lives terrible by trying to find my bit of fun at the State Fair that night. I didn’t want them to feel that way. So I told them goodbye. And our group of 12 became 4, including me. And I was kinda sad after that. Like, I can’t even begin to describe the feeling properly. The biggest reason I go to the fair was so that I could spend time with my friends. I pretty much go for them! I honestly don’t care about the rides or the food or the games or the prizes. I just figured that it was part of our yearly tradition to go on rides. Granted, I know that most of my friends don’t like going on the rides and will usually just watch as I go on rides… But in the years past, it didn’t seem like they minded at all and that part of our time at the fair was still fun for them. But I guess this year, things were different. And I could tell that my 3 friends remaining were only sticking with me and went on the two rides we went on because they pitied me and saw that I was feeling terrible after what just happened. And at that point, I didn’t even want to go on rides anymore because I had felt so terrible. It took my remaining friends convincing me over and over for me to go on the two rides that I did. And I ended up not having that much fun. So after that, I was kinda done with it. Doesn’t that kinda suck, though? The last memory I’ll ever have of what used to be one of my favorite things. All of these things: Vu Lan, the State Fair, New Years… they were things that tied me strongly to my life at home… to my family and my friends, to the people I cared about. But now, after these past few months when I took lots and lots of steps back, gave myself some time and some distance, I saw things much, much clearer. The fact that I don’t feel like I have a home here anymore is probably the biggest reason why I’ve slowly begun to withdraw from the previous life I had. And as much as I’d like to blame everyone else and continue hating everyone else… I think the truth of the matter is that it’s all essentially my own fault. I put myself in this position. I made my own choices. Sure, maybe somewhere along the way, stints of bad luck continued to lure me into the wrong direction, but still, I took the bait. And now here I am… displaced. I don’t look forward to New Years anymore. In fact, I am kinda dreading showing my face back home for New Year’s Eve. I actually might just skip it. And Vu Lan and the State Fair? Forget it. It’s a little sad, every now and then, when I think about how much I don’t look forward to these three things anymore… or pretty much anything that involves my life and the people back home. I remember in medical school, I used to look forward so much to the simple Friday night dinners I had with my family. But now, I dread even the thought of going home after what happened the last time. Things have become toxic. And perhaps the saddest part about it is that I am the toxic one. And well, to prevent further damage, you remove the toxin, right? But all metaphors aside, I have come to discover that it is just another part of this change that I am continually undergoing each and every day. And to every one else, it might not look like a good change… but in my mind, it’s a necessary and unstoppable change, a healthy change, a positive change. I am removing the toxin. I need to move forward. And to be honest, every time I’ve gone back home, I felt myself moving backwards. And I don’t want to move backwards anymore. Of course it’s going to be a tough transition. Especially since so many more changes are coming. But again… it’s a change that I need to make. I so desperately need to move on and move forward. And it’s not even the mere fact that I am choosing to leave these things behind. It’s more so that my mind and my conscience and my heart has already left them behind. Things are changing. That’s pretty much it. And you know, there are just some people who are always going to view any type of change as negative. And that’s just the reality of human nature, I guess. But the only thing that matters is that, for once, I am changing for myself. Not for others. But for myself. I’m kinda sad that it took me letting go of these three favorite things of mine to figure that out. But I think I’ll get over it. I know I probably didn’t elaborate on this as eloquently as I could have… but honestly, all any of this is is change. We all go through it. This is just my own version.