#it triggers a full blown identity crisis

[syrupmap]

The parallels between the first and last episode with Ray Kowalski are so good.

"You know who I am, Fraser. Everyone here knows who I am."

"Do you ever feel like you don't know who you are? Like if you weren't around somebody, or that someone wasn't around you, then you wouldn't be you, or at least not the you that you think you are. You ever think like that?"

[crimson-and-clover-1717]

The first time I saw Stede held at gunpoint by Chauncey, I believed it might be a night terror. They’re repeating the Nigel guilt-ghost motif, I thought. Or even his fever-induced nightmares. This is what Stede does. Big emotions writ large shouting the worst parts of his self-loathing. The words Chauncey says is probably the exact noise playing in Stede’s head. In fact he ‘completely agree[s]’. The repeated death-injury to the eye, and Stede’s subsequent amnesic journey home, barefoot in underclothes, just seemed to play out perfectly as a full-blown, hallucinatory panic-attack.

And then I realised the consensus was this event likely occurs, it truly happens within the narrative. Stede also remembers both Badminton brothers alongside the line ‘I’ve been the cause of death.’

Fast forward to 204, and Stede doesn’t mention the event to Ed during the couch scene. I’ve said before it wasn’t the right time to say ‘…but, Chauncey’. However, it did happen, didn’t it? And Stede does need to tell Ed eventually. Because then it might mitigate some of Stede’s responsibility… right?

Well, I’m not sure we’re looking at it from the best angle.

Chauncey arriving at the barracks to kill Stede is likely meant to be understood as real within the fictional setting of the show. But this is a magical realist world, and Chauncey’s turning up did not occur in the same way as it would in our reality. There is a different significance and meaning.

I think two seemingly-contrary things can exist here: Chauncey really did show up of his own choice, and Stede is somewhat responsible for his showing up, because this could be read as a metaphysical event. Stede partly manifests Chauncey. The show often uses mirrors as a way of exploring identity, and Stede is right in the middle of an identity crisis. Chauncey is an accurate reflection of Stede’s internal chaos, a judgmental dark angel on his shoulder. And until Stede is able to go back to Bridgetown, and deal with the guilt and mess of leaving his family, Badminton brothers, cousins, and half-uncles are going to keep showing up, insulting Stede at the deepest level, then Darwining themselves in front of him.

The lesson here, I think, is we help create our own reality: if you do what you’ve always done, you’ll get what you’ve always got. Stede needs to change his internal narrative to free himself from this twisted pattern.

It’s not that Stede deserves the bullying of the Badminton brothers; he absolutely doesn’t. But his state of mind lays the groundwork for the external manifestation of his thoughts within this universe. Chauncey is the personification of Stede’s self-loathing, and Stede co-creates the situation, somehow drawing Chauncey (and Nigel) towards him. As a character within a fictional world we are being asked to watch Stede’s transformation after this event, and one of those changes is his breaking this particular cycle.

That is why I’m not too bothered if Stede ever tells Ed about Chauncey. Like someone once said similarly of god, if Chauncey didn’t exist, it might be necessary for Stede to invent him. Chauncey’s intervention gives Stede a sort of permission to act as he does. There is no mitigation for Stede here. He has to own it, no matter how distorted his thinking at the time; and he does just that to Ed later without resorting to sackcloth and ashes.

The complexity of what happens that night might well be outside of physical reality. It’s Ed returning from the gravy basket largely unscathed. Or Buttons becoming a bird. It isn’t easy to understand fully because the laws that govern our reality are suspended here. But our role as viewers isn’t to reach a definitive conclusion or worry ourselves in circles over narrative gaps. It’s to consider what the Chauncey event triggers and then leads to.

This is Stede’s rock-bottom. From here on in, we see character growth in which Stede overcomes a good portion of the self-loathing lurking within his soul, replacing it with a kinder internal narrative, and helping him in turn to love and be loved. And Stede has also hopefully exorcised the possibility of any future Badminton visitations.

Stede returns, and he returns a better man than he left because he did much of the internal work he needed to do.

He changes his stars - and Ed’s. That’s all that matters.

[bardic-tales]

Birds of a Feather, a FF 7: Crisis Core Fic

Summary: Two monsters born from the same experiment find solace in each other amid the ruins of their shared past.

Pairing: Angeal Hewley / Genesis Rhapsodos

Other Characters: None directly featured; mentions of Shinra and Banora townspeople (past tense)

Possible Trigger Warnings: Body horror, emotional trauma, existential dread, grief, identity crisis, implied military violence, mako exposure, references to abandonment, transformation, war aftermath, wing growth. canon divergent.

Created for @gengealweek2025

The sky above Banora was the color of steel: clouds thick with rainfall.

Clouds rolled over the hills in slow, brooding masses, and cast long shadows over the orchard ruins. The apple trees had not borne fruit in seasons since Shinra carpet bombed Banora. Just charred stumps now, or snapped by artillery and time. The air still carried the faint acrid sting of mako residue. A war had been waged here. And for Angeal Hewley, it hadn’t ended.

He stood on the hill overlooking the town. His shoulders squared beneath the weight of his Buster Sword and something heavier. The wind tugged at the frayed edges of his turtleneck, and somewhere behind him, a broken church bell swayed with a metallic groan.

He didn’t flinch at the sound of boots on gravel.

“You’re brooding again,” came a voice. It was low, sardonic, and familiar.

Angeal didn’t turn around immediately. He didn’t need to. “Only when the view calls for it.”

Genesis stepped up beside him. His arms crossed over the rich folds of his crimson coat. The coat whipped out behind him, catching the wind like wings. Angeal glanced at it: how it moved, how it mirrored the shape of those abominations that had sprouted from their backs. It made him sick. It made him ache.

"Banora never changes," Genesis said, voice softer now. "Even in ruin, it still sings. Don’t you hear it?"

Angeal looked at him. “All I hear are ghosts.”

Genesis offered a small smile. “Maybe you’re just listening wrong.”

They stood in silence for a while, overlooking the skeleton of their childhood. This once-idyllic village where dreams were sown in dirt and orchard blossoms, where two boys sparred in muddy fields, where Genesis had created apple juice, and they both chased glory like it was something sacred.

Now?

One of them was half-monster; the other, a full-blown traitor. Wings -- black and white -- on their backs. Guilt in their veins. And only silence between them most days.

“We’re not so different, you know, old friend,” Genesis said at last, voice musing as though he were speaking to anyone else and not to Angeal. “Two prototypes. Failed sons of science. Monsters. But beautiful.”

Angeal’s gaze hardened. “Don’t romanticize it.”

“I’m not,” Genesis replied, though his lips curled with amusement. “Well, not much.”

He turned toward him fully now. His auburn hair caught the dying light like flame in a fireplace. His eyes, Mako-blue and fevered, searched Angeal’s face. "You hate your wings."

“I hate what they represent.”

Genesis tilted his head. “And what’s that?”

“Corruption. Betrayal. The loss of what I swore to protect.”

A silence fell then. It was thick as fog and heavy with history. Their history. Genesis didn’t speak, but Angeal could see it in him, thrumming beneath the surface like a string pulled too tight. That old wound between them. The divergence. The moment Genesis stepped off the righteous path and dragged Angeal behind him.

Except no. That wasn’t the truth.

Genesis had walked ahead. Angeal had followed unwillingly but not unknowingly. They were birds born of the same broken egg. Wings of different colors, but similar. They had same blood.

“Do you know why I’m still here?” Genesis asked suddenly, stepping closer. The sky darkened behind him like a curtain dropping. “I could vanish. Become something else. But I don’t.”

“Because you want to be seen,” Angeal said quietly.

Genesis blinked. Then he smiled: a bittersweet smile like a ripe apple that fell from the tree. “Even now, you see right through me.”

“You’ve never been subtle.”

They stood close now. Genesis was close enough for Angeal to feel the warmth radiating from him and the static hum of a body caught between man and myth.

“So tell me,” Genesis said. His voice low and almost dangerous, “if we’re so alike, why did you hesitate to follow me?”

“I didn’t hesitate,” Angeal answered. His breath caught in his throat and his Adam's apple bobbed. “I resisted.”

“Why?”

Because I still believed there was something to protect.”

Genesis’ gaze softened, even as he stepped into Angeal’s space. “And now?”

Angeal didn’t answer immediately. His hand flexed at his side. In the space between them felt like a thousand years of childhood, two forged destinies, and a bitter truth. Angeal and Genesis had always belonged to the same fate. They were feathers from the same wing, split by expectation, shadowed by loyalty, and, then, frayed at the edges by things neither of them had words for.

“I don’t know what’s left to protect,” Angeal admitted. His voice was raw and, uncharacteristically, emotional. “Except maybe . . . you.”

For a second, Genesis’ mask cracked. Just for a second, but it was enough for Angeal to see. Surprise flickered: hurt and want sliding over Genesis's visage.

“Too late for that, hero,” he whispered.

Angeal’s hand moved before thought could catch up. He gripped the edge of Genesis’ coat, anchoring him and grounding them both.

“Then let me be late,” he said. “Let me be wrong. But don’t tell me you didn’t want someone to follow you.”

Genesis stared at him. In the dying light, his face looked sculpted: all sharp angles. Rising his hand slowly, he brushed the collar of Angeal’s turtleneck. It was hesitant in a way that belied everything else about him.

Their kiss was not gentle.

It was the clash of steel and storm: rough, unpracticed, but utterly real and true. Genesis clung to him like something tethered to a post as the wind raged around them. His fingers knotted into the fabric of Angeal’s chest, and Angeal, who had spent his whole life standing still, leaned into it.

When they parted, the sky had gone completely dark. No rain. Just distant thunder.

“I still hate my wings,” Angeal murmured, forehead resting against Genesis’s.

“Then let me love them for you."

For the first time, Angeal let him.

[sevandsstuff]

Its been so long since the last time I pressed the Post button in Tumblr. Its nice to return.

I am more mature now than I’ve ever been. But I win because I still can maintain the childlike personality and the freshness of youth.

I have been healing and growing so strong. I got to know myself and be compassionate with myself through the triggering moments in my romantic relationships. Saying that doesn’t mean I don’t spend enough time with friends and family. It’s just because I am secure when it comes to friends, avoidant towards family and fearful avoidant with partners.

Sounds messy right? Yes it is. I have been trying to dig into the root causes of all the sufferings I have in life. I am on the right path.

I can give a brief summary on what I’ve learned from my relationships for these past 2 years.

1. I am and was a Fearful avoidant, that means I have a lots of traumas tied to my identity (just found out lately) (Its a long and painful journey I didn’t sign up for)

2. In my last relationship, I wanted to love deeply for the first time, so I tried to become the best version of myself (at that time). I came from heavily leaning avoidant to leaning anxious 💀. It was beyond miserable being constantly worried about every damn thing. But well it’s necessary for my growth.

3. I pride myself for being independent and “I don’t need anyone” so in my last relationship I had an identity crisis because I felt like shit when I cared too much. I was constantly trying to break up in my mind.

4. Thorough that process, I learned and fucked up and learned (the second biggest lesson was choose your source of information wisely or it’ll mess with your peace). There were days I was tortured by my thoughts to the point I couldn’t fucking sleep. I had to ask my now best friend (Quy) for help or else I could for real died of mental exhaustion.

5. The biggest achievement from that 14month-ish relationship was the ability to feel my feelings, to start to open up, to self-soothe, to accept my emotions instead of pushing them away, shutting them down, to be more (from nothing so somewhat) straightforward.

6. He was a good many in almost every aspect. Just inappropriate from my perspective. And we were not compatible. But I loved him that’s for sure. The first time I knew what love was.

7. We broke up and I was single for nearly 2 months. False, I didn’t rush into a relationship, my now boyfriend pursued me too hard and I didn’t want to miss a good man.

8. I was so secure when I’m not attached. But as soon as I’m no longer detached, the trigger is pulled. This partner triggers a new part of me. A full blown Fearful Avoidant. If I was 70% Anxious Preoccupied 30% Fearful Avoidant with my ex, I am 97% Fearful Avoidant and 3% Anxious Preoccupied now.

9. If I have to describe FA in 1 word?: Distrust. For AP, I am sorry I cannot remember its far gone lol, maybe Anxiously Spiral.

10. Yeah, I have been dealing with FA to no avail. When its triggered, it attacks me fast and hard until I cannot breathe. I want to sabotage everything and run.

11. Lucky me, I accidentally found out about Bottom up therapy. I’m on my very first step to learn about it. Have been using Polyvagal yawning method 2 times to calm my FA down and it worked in under 5 fucking minutes. Yes CBT worked like a charm for my AP, but it doesn’t do shit for my FA.

Happy healing, I’ll update more.

❤️

[miidnightcowboy]

glamour - something else that abraham hadn't heard of before. it seemed for a member of the supernatural community, he was incredibly sheltered towards it. maybe that was something to work on, learning about others, how they operated, most importantly how to kill them. not that abe was about to go on a rampage but, it would just be good to know. just in case. "can't say i have," the vampire admitted honestly with a shrug. "huh," was his general reaction to all the information, keeping quiet on the true one; ain't that a bitch? growin' up thinkin' yer one thing, then learnin' yer another? how did such a thing not trigger a full blown identity crisis? all questions abraham simply couldn't ask outright, just had to ponder. "ya got wings?"

Oreo gave a high nervous laugh and carried on with their rambling, "Ah, erm, well, I guess well, some faeries can use this like really good illusion magic. I've learned it's called glamour or something," some fae may call it differently but they were describing it as it had been told to them, "and have you never heard of changlings before? I'd only read about them, you know, in fairy tales," they gave another laugh because turns out some elements of those fairy tales held truth. "Basically, some fae like, steal human children and replace it with a faerie child and put a glamour on that faerie child so they grow up looking and thinking they're human but then eventually, like what happened with me, that glamour stops working at a certain point and then ..." they trailed off leaving the rest of their explanation in the air, themself being the prime example of the result of what happens when that glamour fades. "So, yeah, I had no clue I was a faerie! I looked different a few months ago, not very different, but just enough different."

[mutable-star-child]

Astro notes from my personal birth chart ♊️ 🌞 ♋️ 🌝 Gemini asc ♊️

🌻 Having personal planets spread out in 5 different signs can make for a bit of an identity crisis hahah I have sooo many different interests and people find me to be one confusing ass person , it’s taken me years to find this as a blessing in disguise as I can relate to these 5 signs and with a wide variety of people quite easily.

🌻My Mars in Pisces ♓️ in the 11th house does in fact make me stick up for the underdog , i am not attracted to feet at all , and when I am in a sexual relationship I prefer to be friends with my lover. The detachedness from the 11th house with the watery energy in my Mars is a fucking contridiction . I find myself needing emotional intimacy with a partner but then when I’m in the act I can be in another world , I usually get pulled back with kissing 😽

🌻my Venus in Aries ♈️ in the 12th house is another paradox. I’m definitely more toned down than other Venus in Aries placements. I love the chase , but then one day you may get a shy side of me . It’s this hot and cold kind of energy which probably confuses the shit out of people , but at the end of the day I go by how I feel . Once in a committed relationship I’m IN IT , I have zero desire for anyone else . I think of this placement and energy as in this lifetime I’m to learn SELF LOVE ❤️ Aries Venus are astrologically sometimes perceived as selfish and the 12th house Venus needs to learn to give themselves the love they’re constantly over giving to others .

🌻 My mercury in Taurus ♉️ in the 12th house is my chart ruler and the ruler of my sun . For a Gemini I find myself to be quite reserved and I give credit to this baby , I know when to keep my mouth shut . Upon meeting new people or starting a new job , I sit back , and I watch , and I feel things out. It takes me a little bit to read the energies of the people around me to really open up and be my goofy self. I like to read things slowly and methodically, it takes time but once it’s learned , it’s in there for good. I get compliments on my voice allll the time and man do I love expensive journals and pens hahah nothing but the best.

🌻 Gemini ♊️ sun , conjunct the ascendant from the 12th house . When I was younger , I was extremely shy and didn’t know why people would look at me or stare at me and it made me feel self conscious as fuck . Ta da ! I feel this placement makes me confusing because well ... Gemini are the twins 👯‍♀️👯‍♀️and it’s conjunct my Gemini ascendant. I feel like a Gemini , then I also feel like a Leo rising and have a lot of Leo rising traits , but my sun feels like a Pisces some days too and I have the traits of a 12th house sun , buttt on other days I feel like a first house sun and carry a lot of 1st house sun traits 🤷🏻‍♀️

🌻 My biological father is a Pisces sun (12th house) and my mother is a 1st house sun , I therefore carry both of their energies in this 1 placement .

🌻 my step dad is a Pisces Venus and my mother is a 1st house Venus , I’m a Aries Venus in the 12th house I carry both of their energies in this placement as well.

🌻Gemini sun with a cancer moon makes for one very emotional Gemini lol , it’s funny tho because when I was younger I didn’t know people thought that I was cold and detached , but deep down my ass felt everything . It took me awhile to learn to work with these two energies.

🌻Gemini rising with an Aquarius mid heaven , people think I’m cool and aloof if they don’t know me , but once they talk to me they’re always so surprised at how “bubbly” I am .

🌻 Cancer moon conjunct Jupiter in Cancer . When I’m happy it expands out to everyone and everything ... but just how everything in this life is dualistic , if my moon square Mars ( Pisces / repressed anger) gets triggered ... watch the fuck out . When I was younger I wouldn’t even know I was mad until one day I would just explode and that’s how it felt , like an explosion of angry emotions that wouldn’t stop until everything was out . I’ve been working my ass off with working with my emotions. Just because you have certain placements or energies or aspects doesn’t mean you can’t learn to deal with them in a healthy manner.

🌻I’ve noticed that I have a lot of air moon friends , I find that I learn from them and question how they deal with their emotions , I find them fascinating that they can detach and analyze them or mind map them . I teach them how to feel the emotion and they teach me how to not get so damn lost in my emotions .

🌻 Moon in the 2nd house ; classic eats to emotionally feel better , another thing I’ve been working on . Instead of going for chocolate let’s dig around and see why we feel like this and not try to bandaid it .

🌻Jupiter conjunct Chiron , I’m half Caucasian and half aboriginal . I didn’t get to grow up with my aboriginal side of the family and on my Caucasian side I’m the only one who’s of a different ethnicity . I felt between worlds in a way growing up , I never knew where I fit in and never felt like I could fit in anywhere . It was this walking in the middle feeling .

🌻Pluto in Scorpio conjunct Black Moon Lilith in the 6th house . I remember being a kid and like some parents hating me .. for no reason . I also remember adults sexualizing me before I even knew what it was or was having sex . This aspect opposite my mercury in Taurus in the 12th house makes me extremely into psychology and esoteric studies . I find dating to be difficult at times because I can read douche bags like an open book . Hahah Lilith and Pluto in the 6th Opposite my mercury I find myself in a lot of sexual innuendos 🙄 . People sexualize me at everyday boring things , work , running errands , the *gym . When I was young and didn’t know how to deal with my emotional state this combo was deadly , depression, anxiety , suicidal thoughts . The Plutonian energies were so intense .

🌻 Uranus retrograde in the 8th house . Ummm yeah I know I’m weird , but have no fucking clue why lol 😂. This placement makes you painfully aware of being differen, on a plus it also makes you your own therapist. I went from drug party girl running away from her traumas to power engineer , owning her own house and doesn’t smoke , drink , or do drugs . Another psychology lovers placement and astrology lover 🥰. Also weird shit happens around me . Lights go on or off , things move . Alarm systems at work don’t go off when I enter the building. I also have Neptune retrograde on my 8/9th house cusp when have seen spirits and heard them . I would be lying if I said I didn’t love weird shit .

🌻Uranus in the 8th , I have been around death since I was about 8 years old having attended my first funeral service . I have had traumatic experiences with the passing of people close to me and I have known so many people who have passed away . I’m 30 and have had about 10 people I’ve known pass away . It’s something that I’ve always known . It’s a hard part about life but each time I go through a deep soul transformation where I question life and death and transcend something .

🌻Uranus in the 8th .. did someone say bdsm ?

🌻Neptune in the 8th , blurring of boundaries when i was younger. Like I legit didn’t even know what fucking boundaries were . Again something I’ve worked on and I’m happy to say , my boundaries are firm as fuckk .

🌻mercury (12th) trine Neptune and Uranus(8th) . Umm yes I do receive messages from spirit . It comes so naturally to me that I forget others don’t share this gift or have to work hard . I can go into a deep meditation easily and hypnotherapy . I also have vivid dreams and lucid dream . I am working on my dreams and astral projection.

🌻Saturn retrograde , yup bio daddy was not around and I am now reparenting myself as an adult 😁.

🌻Saturn in the 9th conjunct the Mc , I take this placement as the other reason why people think I’m cold before knowing me haha . I’ve wanted to travel for soo long , wanting to back pack and just go and be free but have not managed to yet , I always feel like I have something to do here or something comes up , I’ve just let go now and realize I’ll travel when the time is right and Saturn permits it hahah.

🌻 Saturn in the 9th , when I was younger religion made me feel uncomfortable af , I remember going to church and wondering why god was a man and why there wasn’t a girl god , and I also couldn’t understand why he was white ... it made no sense to me . Then where was my native god ? Why wouldn’t he just make everyone the same then ? Jupiter conjunct Chiron in the 3rd 😁 as I got older and traumatic death experiences happened , I then became a full blown atheist and pushed away the spirits I had seen from my mind and went on to party 🤘🏼👍🏼 ... until I had a transcendental spiritual awakening in 2017 . Which now I believe in consciousness and energy. Ahhh life

🌻 Aquarius north node conjunct asteroid Lilith conjunct the MC , people have scapegoated my ass since I had became a teenager haha. I had a very big issue with authority figures when I was younger whether it was with teachers , my parents , bosses, cops , you name it . I would rebel just to rebel . I’ve toned my shit down and have accepted that I’m quirky and different and a bit of a loner , I love it that way to be honest . I find that older men loveee me or hate me . Or both . Hahah I’m a very independent woman and do NOT like to rely on men for anything in my relationships. This placement makes me fucking determined to achieve my goals . It’s also the big fuck you placement to anyone that’s ever wronged me or told me I couldn’t do something . It gives me fuel and a will that I’m going to die trying before I ever fail . People laughed at me when I told them i was wanting to become a power engineer and well when I thought I was going to fail I just brought up their snickers comments and here I am today a power engineer 😈😉

🌻Lilith conjunct the MC , ahhh yes , I’m known for my looks and physique but jackpot to the rare ones that compliment my brains 🧠 🤓

🌻Lilith conjunct the MC, women feel threatened by just looking at me , which means I work really hard to bring a calming warm energy , I’m not fake but I do compliment women and pull them up and support them when I can . I have zero desire for drama or to take other women’s men .

🌻asteroid Lilith trine ascendant and sun , yeah I always wondered why people thought I was hitting on them when I wasn’t even interested lol but add a friendly bubbly Gemini ascendant with this aspect and you give off sexy vibes with out even noticing it . Fucking annoying to be honest hahah

🌻 IC in Leo , sun conjunct ascendant ... people say I wear my heart on my sleeve and what you see is what you get hahah

🌻IC in Leo , I shine when I’m with my family I feel the most comfortable around them and I love when they compliment me lol more than like anyone else .

🌻 If you were wondering why my chart seemed off I have 4 signs intercepted : Taurus / scorpio , Virgo / Pisces . My mercury , Mars , Pluto are all intercepted and my 12/6th houses are MASSIVE lol and my 11/5th are as well . Itty bitty 2/8th , 3/9th houses .

Let me know if you have any of these placements and can resonate 🥰

[appleflavoredkitkats]

Thank you for being there and making amazing AU’s

Take some of this

Also does anyone in the main trio of Las Nevadas AU experience panic attacks yet? My main bet is Fundy

AAA UR SO SWEET <333 and you're asking the important, angsty questions here, aren't you >:D

tw: panic attacks, dissociation, derealization, existential dread

/dsmp /rp

fundy does experience panic attacks, but i'd like to argue he experiences it the least out of the three, but not by that much. i say that fundy shuts down more than anything when he gets told off. his main trigger is when someone tells him that he isn't the person they thought he was, or just an ignorant comment about fundy's identity and how he's “changed”. more than anything, fundy dissociates rather than have a full-blown panic attack.

fundy only dissociates when he experiences a nightmare or is faced with an identity crisis. panic attacks can happen for anything else (but it still happens for the first two things mentioned, but much more seldom). if he's overstressed at work, or a pet dies, or he watches any familial issue unfold— that's when the panic attacks settle. fundy's panic attacks are messy, especially since he cries the most amongst the trio. his breaths are erratic, and because he applies heavy makeup from time to time, it smudges against his cheeks.

easy breathing tricks work though, and quackity and schlatt easily can help fundy with them since they're good at working together as long as it helps fundy. these two literally cannot cooperate unless fundy is in the picture, which fundy does tease about after the panic seizes. to be fair, it's easy to comfort fundy because he swoons from the simplest terms of endearment and comfort.

i'd say quackity and schlatt on the other hand have worse experiences with panic attacks. to start of with quackity, quackity loves to put a façade up in las nevadas a lot. he is a good actor, and sometimes, even fundy and schlatt can't tell if he's genuinely upset or not. it's difficult because quackity likes to withhold his negative emotions, but doesn't realize how much he's suppressing 'til it spills over when the smallest, negative thing happens.

from losing to a slot machine, to tripping in the sidewalk, to thinking that the music was too loud for his ears— quackity gets panic attacks a lot, and he gets them in the weirdest places possible. the main downside to this is that his main sources of comfort, fundy and schlatt, don't often witnessing him having these attacks. sure, when they do, they'd obviously help, but when quackity gets these attacks in the worst places possible.

so sometimes, he handles them alone. he tries to seep into the darkest spots possible and try to handle the attacks independently. sometimes, he'd try sneaking into bathrooms when they happen, and in these times, schlatt and fundy typically know q is having a panic attack. quackity tries to go to bathrooms less because he really doesn't like bothering the other two, especially in terms of comfort and venting, but of course, schlatt and fundy don't relent.

when quackity handles them in bathrooms, and the door is locked, it's schlatt who usually talks to him through the door. schlatt is way better at words of comfort than fundy, so fundy usually stays aside (or handles the casinos while q's gone), and schlatt does most of the talking. it does help— schlatt's words easily ground quackity back into reality because quackity's way of being comforted is... not easy. there are specific words he wants to hear, stories, instructions; and schlatt is the main one who can deliver it correctly.

besides schlatt and fundy, quackity also has had his fair shares of... other sources of comfort from other people. he's had at least one or two experiences with sam, jack, and charlie whenever he has attacks in the more obscure places. of course, they're not much of an expert at it as much as schlatt, but they have attempted helping. sam once found him next to the garbage outside of his bar, and sam sat by q. he did the typical five senses trick and tried asking quackity to remember certain fond memories of his. jack had a more... messy approach, but his tone was soft, and he tried his best to get quackity to do some breathing exercises. charlie was definitely similar to schlatt but with a bit more comedy and stutters. he doesn't really like showing his gratitude outright after the attacks, but he does raise their salaries and leave gifts for them when they don't expect it.

schlatt's panic attacks are more spontaneous. no build up required, no outside force needed to trigger a panic attack, but schlatt is an immense thinker. he thinks a lot when he's doing his job, he thinks a lot in his bed while sipping wine, he thinks a lot as he smokes next to fundy or quackity during their breaks and dayoffs. problem is, sometimes, he spirals too much downwards in his thoughts.

this is his version of limbo. he often gets haunted by intrusive thoughts of how he is deteriorating, how he won't be able to leave a mark on anyone's lives (especially his own), that he won't be able to achieve his purpose in life (as well as just. not be able to find a new purpose in life). it's frustrating, and he gets lost in thought so much, and there is always that one dark thought that will trigger the panic. sometimes, something tells him that his skin will keep flaking and his body will be reduced into a pile of disjointed bones. sometimes, something tells him that he isn't that flame of ambition that he used to be, and everyone would think of him as mundane and grey and lifeless. sometimes, something tells him that he's going to live as purposeless as ever, and he will slowly be devoid of any emotion or passion.

it's just those simple thoughts that will make his breath hitch. it's obvious when schlatt gets to this point because he visibly shifts and shakes, his eyes staring at nothing as it twitches. he would muster a whine or a groan and if he's with fundy or quackity, they immediately know what's up. he didn't necessarily tell them how these entire ordeals work, but quackity and fundy are analytical enough to understand how he gets to this point, so they don't question it. instead, they've learned to help him.

because quackity and fundy's presence alone does remind him that yes, his life still has a purpose. yes, he still has someone to care for. his life isn't meaningless, and these people he's with is telling him that yes, they still see something worthy in him.

quackity and fundy don't need to say much, but they are allowed to hold his palm or ruffle his hair and tell him that they're here, and they need him to breathe for them. he finds comfort in knowing that his safety means a lot to the other two.

they've also tried to develop a system which helps them inform each other on whether or not they have gotten a panic attack and need help. this was mostly for schlatt at first since he really needs other people's presence to get over with his attacks, but they've also implemented this for fundy and quackity because schlatt berates them on keeping their attacks a secret.

they basically need to send a comma in chat whenever they are experiencing a panic attack and need help. for quicker typing, they represent different places in las nevadas with certain digits so they wouldn't have to type out something long. for example, the main casino (which i now headcanon is the four casinos combined into one big casino after quackity remodelled it) is represented with a “$”, the hotel lobby is “G”, sam's bar is “&”, fundy's room is “f”, schlatt's is “s”, quackity's is “q”, and you get the gist.

for fundy's dissociation, it's difficult for fundy to type out stuff, so quackity always remembers to ask fundy how he's doing if he isn't seen at work. if fundy doesn't reply, that their cue to check how he's doing in his room. fundy makes it a habit as much as possible to reply to quackity when he isn't dissociating to make their system work.

[davids-cartoon-corkboard]

Property

Soooo the Sando Brothers referred to Raph as “one of those turtle jerks that we hate, you know, for reasons I can’t remember”. This suggests that, unlike Warren and Hypno, they are still working for Draxum.

Which means they’ll report back to him on the events of “Man vs. Sewer”.

I imagine Draxum will be very interested in learning about the circumstances that led Raph to attack his own brothers.

“The Evil League of Mutants” hinted that of the four turtles, it’s Raph who is most like Lou Jitsu.

His movements align best with Draxum’s flashback, and he is the one to strike the final blow.

Since Draxum has this weird obsessive mix of admiration and hostility toward Lou and considers the turtles to be “his property”, I don’t think he’s going to throw Raph off a roof like he did with Leo.

He’s going to try and get his soldier back.

The boys getting so distracted by Lou being their dad frustrated Draxum, so he didn’t bother to monologure about why he made them. But it will eventually be brought up, and we can use the Jitsu reveal in ELOM as a framework to predict how the Soldier reveal will play out.

The turtles exhibit unexpected behavior (skill with fish and ladders). Draxum learns the “nurture” reason why (they were trained by Lou). The turtles learn the “nature” reason why (Lou is their biological father). The turtles’ minds are blown.

While it seems in character for Draxum to engineer some berserker soldiers, he would definitely be surprised to learn about “Savage Raph”. He and various other members of the League have fought Raph several times, so why did he only go apeshit during that one particular encounter with the Sando Brothers?

Obviously he’s going to kidnap Raph and push a lot of his buttons to see which one makes “Savage Raph” come out. This is where Huginn and Muninn will be useful; while they’re Draxum’s minions, they’re also small and cute and goofy and don’t really register as a threat. They can be the Good Cops to Draxum’s Bad Cop.

Raph knows he shouldn’t be talking with the enemy, but he’s too starved for company to care. If Huginn and Muninn are “sympathetic” for long enough, they (and the audience) will learn what happened to give Raph such a strong reaction to being alone (nurture).

Raph in turn will learn (possibly from Draxum, possibly the gargoyles) why he was made. Draxum has some beef with humans, so he made soldiers to obey and fight and kill (nature) in a war nobody else seems intent on starting.

And it is going to be really hard for Raph to hear that. He’s clearly uncomfortable with this “savage” side of himself, so to know that’s what he was made to be like, what he was “supposed” to be like, could very well trigger a full-blown identity crisis as he struggles to determine which part of him is the real part. (The answer will of course be “both”, but Raph doesn’t have the benefit of knowing he’s in a narrative structure so we’ll have to be patient with him.)

And it gets worse! :) Let’s look at some of the imagery immediately after the Jitsu reveal:

An outstretched hand.

Raph drops his weapon and kneels before Draxum, who monologues about their destiny.

A tense beat of silence.

Draxum leaves. Raph tries to follow.

Now, I’m not saying that Draxum is going to brainwash Raph, but…

Oh, who am I kidding. That’s exactly what he’s going to do.

*blows whistle* All aboard the pain train!

[centrifuge-politics]

Brick Club 5.4.1

Late late late! I would say something about this compelling illustration but it feels in bad taste. This maybe goes without saying, but TW for suicide and suicidal thoughts. I don’t talk in detail about that aspect, but it very much is the lens this chapter is presented through.

To start off with a mild observation, I don’t particularly picture the Seine as a rapidly flowing river, so I’m wondering what the geography of this area must have been like to create deadly rapids in the Seine.

“There had been a new thing, a revolution, a catastrophe in the depths of his being.” I just watched Hello Future Me’s very good video on redemption arcs and Javert is absolutely primed for the start of a redemption arc that we are tragically deprived of. (The video also just provides really good frameworks for thinking about contextual character growth from any starting point). In the video, Future Me identifies three interconnected aspects of a character’s being that, when altered, create the tension that drives a character to change. These are stakes, views of self, and views of the world. For Javert, these have been in harmony thus far; he must maintain order, he is irreproachable in his duty, and people will always act according to their roles, respectively. But one of these points changes when Valjean spares him; his view of the world is challenged. As a result, his view of himself is no longer compatible with how he sees the world. If this had happened halfway through the book we would possibly see all of these aspects change one after the other as Javert struggled with the new tension between these factors and subsequently changed as a character. But, alas.

Javert has blown past rigid morals and entered into complete prescriptive essentialism. “One thing had astonished him, that Jean Valjean had spared him,” not even because Valjean is ‘bad’ and therefore does ‘bad’ actions, but that taking revenge against Javert would have been justified and even right in Javert’s eyes. It’s a startling view into Javert’s thought process, that every person is so inherently defined by their social positions that they their actions should be 100% predictable at all times, like rational choice theory on steroids.

However, there’s also a really interesting individual element that complicates things. Javert has a personal sense of honor that he has seemingly developed entirely based on his assumptions about society which dictates his response to this situation. It’s like he’s a computer program that hasn’t coded for any exceptions and assumes that every other person is the very same. It has such a twisted Hegelian flair, “the rational alone is real.”

“One of his causes of anxiety was, that he was compelled to think.” Honestly, it’s likely Javert would have never been able to comprehend that he even had an individual sense of honor had it not, at this moment, diverged from the one straight line he’s been following his whole life. There’s suddenly a divide between societal regulations and individual morals that he didn’t even know existed. Of course, the purely rational course of action is to turn Valjean in; a good act doesn’t absolve you of past crimes (legally speaking, because only state sanctioned penalty can exonerate a violation against state law). But Javert has made the mistake of making this personal, he’s no longer objective! Or he never was and is only just now realizing it. Instead, he’s suddenly developing subject/object awareness. Mmm, yes, Hegel. “He had, he, Javert, thought good to decide, against all the regulations of the police, against the whole social and judicial organisation, against the entire code, in favour of a release; that had pleased him; he had substituted his own affairs for the public affairs; could this be characterised?” Yes, sometimes we aren’t mindless cogs in the machine. Imagine if the world were actually imperfect and imprecise. “Terrible situation! to be moved…to be obliged to acknowledge this: infallibility is not infallible.”

The most surprising thing about this crisis is that it took this long for Javert to have it. I would have thought his continual dealings with corrupt individuals with the police would have triggered this crossroads ages ago. In the musical, this maybe works better because Valjean is Javert’s personal obsession. In the book, he’s really just a particular felon that Javert happens to run into every decade or so. He’s not hunting Valjean, he’s not even overly fixated on him until the moment when Valjean does him, personally, an unexpected good turn by not killing Javert as expected. Ignoring the fact that, by everything Javert knows, Valjean has never ever been a violent criminal and his worst crime is breaking parole, this is merely the ‘good’ reversal of the corrupt cop.

Below the cut, more discussion about Javert and rationality.

It’s also notable that this is not a moral awakening, it’s entirely a dilemma of moral logic. “Javert’s ideal was not to be humane, not to be great, not to be sublime; it was to be irreproachable.” And also, something not identical but similar to this has happened to him before! “But how manage to send in his resignation to God?” What a fascinating way of thinking about this. Javert’s mindset truly exemplifies the concept of anomic suicide—which I’ve often linked Marius to as well—which, to review, is characterized by an intense disillusionment and disappointment due to an abrupt shift in circumstances. In Javert’s case, the norms and values he has predicated his entire life on have been violently contested. He no longer feels able to fit into the societal niche he filled, he can’t be a police officer, he can’t be an agent of order, he can’t be a just man. Unlike Marius, Javert’s dilemma has very little to do with emotion and interpersonal conflict and everything to do with established rules and logic.

Javert is an interesting study of how macro structures perpetuate in micro cases, because it’s clear that he’s internalized the strictures of society into a personal ethic, but without any of the context that those strictures were created within. Society says ‘justice’ but what they actually mean is ‘rule of law.’ If Javert simply followed the letter of the law, he could turn Valjean in without reservation, but Javert genuinely believes in the spirit of the law and, well, the two are simply inherently incompatible in a corrupt system. Not to say Javert is a secret advocate of social justice, he definitely still has some screwed up ideas about the worth of poor people and oppressed ethnic groups and, I’m sure, women that definitely influence his idea of what is punishable. But his priorities show in what is functionally his last will and testament. He doesn’t show anything that could be called compassion or empathy for the prisoners he mentions—remember, he isn’t humane—but many of his observations would be a benefit to the prison population and restrictive for the guards. He’s a creature motivated by impartial reason and just exchange built on a questionable moral foundation.

So much of the imagery on the last page is adapted really beautifully in ‘Javert’s Suicide’ and this scene recalls Valjean’s initial epiphany years ago in Digne just as Javert’s melody is reprised from ‘Valjean’s Soliloquy,’ “Immensity seemed open there. What was beneath was not water, it was chasm. The wall of the quai, abrupt, confused, mingled with vapour, suddenly lost to sight, seemed like an escarpment of the infinite…the swollen river guessed at rather than perceived, the tragical whispering of the flood, the dismal vastness of the arches of the bridge, the imaginable fall into that gloomy void, all that shadow full of horror.” Javert, in the end, chose the unknown of death over the unknown of life which, in my opinion, if the core tragedy of his character.

[purplesurveys]

608

1. What did you do in 2019 that you’d never done before? Lots of different things! I had an Actual™ photoshoot :o, I celebrated my girlfriend’s dad’s birthday with their family, I touched an Adobe app and learned that I’m pretty decent at it, I had a tooth extraction, I did shisha and vape (and found out I liked them, giving me an identity crisis for a while HAHAHA), I had my internship, I was fined by a traffic officer, etc. I had lots of grownup stuff to face this year, and it was all fun.

2. Did you keep your new years’ resolutions, and will you make more for next year? I don’t make New Year’s resolutions... if I wanted to do something I’d plan them any time of the year. Plus making them at New Year’s just gives me a whole chunk of pressure, and I’d rather not live with that pressure.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth? I had a high school classmate give birth this year but I wasn’t close to her; Gabie was, though. Other than her, I don’t think there’s been anybody who had a kid in 2019.

4. Did anyone close to you die? Nacho. I still see him in everything, everyday.

5. What countries did you visit? Didn’t get to go out of the country this year. Hopefully that’ll change next year when I graduate!

6. What would you like to have in 2020 that you lacked in 2019? I dunno, this year was already suuuuper hectic enough. I’d ask for more time to rest, but I’m literally graduating in 2020 and it will only get busier from there. The two things I’d ask for is to get to go to a different country again, and to have a road trip that isn’t going to Nasugbu for once (I’ve only had two long drives ever since I was allowed to have em, and both trips were to the same beach in Nasugbu).

7. What date from 2019 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? Evening of September 28; it was when everybody was notified of Nacho’s passing. Toughest pill to swallow in my entire fucking life. My social media had never seemed so angry, so scared, so chaotic, so bleak, all at the same time. 8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? If we’re gonna be serious about ‘biggest,’ then probably not killing myself. Other than that, I was pretty proud of the way I handled and performed at my internship! I was never late to get to their ORTIGAS office (a tiny traffic hellhole in Metro Manila), I had a good relationship with everyone, and on my evaluations I saw that my supervisor wrote a lot of nice things :)

9. What was your biggest failure? I was a bad girlfriend on significant occasions. I also have two classes this sem in which my final grades are going to be held back because of supposed ‘deficiencies’ – but honestly I blame that on the prof because I think she held back final grades FROM EVERYONE ON ALL HER CLASSES this semester. Seriously, if you do that as a prof, don’t you think the problem is you and not us? I won’t call it a failure on my end, but I am pissed about it and needed a space to vent.

Another failure would be never getting to take out Gab’s mom out on a date. I already took her dad to an MMA pay-per-view and we had a lot of fun, but have never been able to do the same for her mom just yet. I really need to step up next year.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury? I had a bad slip in school early this year and I sprained my ankle. There was also one day I felt bad enough to have to skip class but it never became a full-blown fever, so I don’t know what that was.

11. What was the best thing you bought? I bought tooooooons of new tops this year and totally upgraded my wardrobe, so I was really happy about that. The other is a day pass to a beach resort in Nasugbu that I went to with Gab, Angela, and Sofie.

12. Where did most of your money go? Food to keep myself in school. That and gas.

13. What did you get really, really, really excited about? Lots of things...I mean 2019 was a long-ass year. There was turning into a senior, doing my internship, getting invited to Gabie’s dad’s birthday dinner, going to my first few events to get me accustomed to the PR world, seeing my senior friends graduate college, I also went back to the National Museum this year so that was great, the aforementioned Nasugbu trip, etc etc blahblah.

14. What song will always remind you of 2019? Wonderwall by Oasis or Buwan by Juan Karlos, both because of Nacho. 15. Compared to this time last year, are you: Happier or sadder? Older or wiser? Thinner or fatter? Richer or poorer? (I don’t earn money yet, lol)

16. What do you wish you’d done more of? Seeing Angela. I probably saw her a grand total of 10 times this year, which is pretty fucking tragic.

17. What do you wish you’d done less of? [trigger warning: self-harm] Hurting myself. It’s been a while since I’ve seen my skin clean for a full year.

18. How did you spend Christmas? We will be spending Christmas Eve with one of my grand-aunts’ family. My mom is very close with her cousins on that side plus family from Vietnam is also coming over, so a get-together is certainly happening. On Christmas Day, we’d be spending the day with my mom’s sister-in-law’s family. They have a giant house and host the best party games which is why we like hanging out there. We’d spend the day with ALL of these people, but my grand-aunt and my tita (mom’s sister-in-law) have some weird friction going on so they can’t ever be in the same gathering lmfao.

19. What was your favorite TV program? I resurrected my love for Breaking Bad mostly because El Camino came out this year, but I definitely watched Friends the most. I have it on autoplay on Netflix 12-14 hours at a time these days because Netflix is taking it out on the 31st.

22. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year? Yes, the aforementioned professor who gave me two Incomplete marks this semester. Last year, she was just my enlistment adviser; now she’s a witch who is keeping me from having a decent Christmas.

I also stopped talking to my younger brother around February or March after he slapped me in the face, so there’s that. No plans to forgive him or talk to him any time soon whatsoever.

23. What was the best book you read? I didn’t read a lot this year :( 2019 was all about readings for my classes.

24. What was your greatest musical discovery? THE JAPANESE HOUSE. Without a shadow of a doubt.

25. What did you want and get? My dog living another year, my relationship still healthy and intact, good grades, my teeth finally treated hahaha, new members in my org!

26. What did you want and not get? Courage on my end to go to a therapist or psychiatrist. More travel.

27. What was your favorite film of this year? Portrait of a Lady on Fire will easily take the cake. That was just breathtaking.

28. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? I spent it internally disappointed in Gab for not making it. Outwardly, my mom took us out for sushi (my request) for lunch, then we went home and in the evening, Angela and I went to Feliz so we can have Yabu for dinner then played at Timezone until the mall closed. Not a birthday I want to remember but Angela went above and beyond to give me a good time, and that I’ll always appreciate.

29. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? More opportunities and time to travel. I mean we did go out of town a lot, but I just can’t get enough of travelling to different places.

30. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2019? Chic with a hint of haggard.

31. What kept you sane? My dog, my orgmates, my best friends, and good food.

32. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? Kristen Stewart.

33. What issue stirred you the most? Duterte as a person is just one big fucking issue that riles everybody up in this country. I’m just waiting for him to die.

34. Who did you miss? Nacho.

35. Who was the best new person you met? My social history professor, Ma’am Luisa. I had always wanted to take a class that she handled, and she went above and beyond my expectations. I’m taking another class of hers next sem – history of women in the Philippines – so that ought to be fun. :)

36. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2019: Call-out culture is bullshit. I haven’t done it much since Nacho passed, but I wish it did not take me this long to realize how bad of a strategy it is. 

People who mourned him went back to their old habits soon enough and are again publicly shaming people whenever they make a misstep on social media, and it’s embarrassing and infuriating.

[rplinkhoward]

Okay so since I am waiting for some games to download I’m going to write more about my modern AU Link and then add this information to a page on my profile whenever it decides to work. This is going to be long so feel free to read under the read more if you wish. Trigger warning for panic attacks and meltdowns.

FYI, it’s going to sound a whole lot like the Parent Cross drabble series already written...why? Cuz I am also that same person who created it (I have like four accounts total and two of them are mains since I had to create a new gmail account because of personal reasons. Anyways let’s talk about Link’s psychology. In this AU Link is a perfectionist, more so because he is Leverrier’s favorite. Since he is Leverrier’s favorite he is under a lot of pressure to be ‘the best’. All of his other siblings also have a lot of pressure placed on them, but he has a lot more because of his stance with Leverrier. First of all Link has to focus on his extracurricular activity (which is dance, his dance partner is Allen), his studies, cooking for his siblings (I mean Goushi and Madarao help out but their cooking skills pale in comparison to Link), and take care of his siblings. So yeah, this boy is under a lot of pressure.

Link also has a hard time expressing his emotions because he’s afraid of losing control. In other words, he stuffs his emotions. Of course there is always that inevitable crash/explosion/meltdown which goes three ways with Link. A. He will bake....like a mad man. I’m talking up early in the morning, baking until late into the night. He will lose track of time and actually needs someone to pull him out of his little world. If he isn’t baking he is cleaning while he’s waiting for things to bake. He had to keep his hands busy. B. He will shut down. It’s just like how a computer will shut down randomly when it’s out of battery life, Link is the same way. He will shut off and stare out into nothingness. Totally collected, although sometimes his hands will shake violently because on the inside he is overwhelmed. He is calm and collected on the outside because he is physically unable to release his pent up emotions. His need for control is so intense that he can’t let go even if he wants to. C. He will snap. Total meltdown. Most times it’s a full blown anxiety attack but sometimes he can go into a total rage. His younger siblings know that he does have them, they had heard him have them, but Madarao and Goushi are the only ones that deal with Link when he has them. Luckily there are some warning signs before he goes into that mode (which helps in keeping Leverrier in the dark). Link will either ‘shut down’ a lot or he will have stress induced fevers. After snapping he’s usually out for a whole day afterwards. Link is a great substitute parent. He is great at coming up with solutions to problems because he can see many different viewpoints. However, that is only for other people’s problems. When it comes to his own issues he has a hard time doing it (which will be easier explained when I get to writing Link more in depth and explaining his thought process. I don’t know when that will be though). So, basically on the outside Link is this perfect, kind, calm individual, but that’s all a lie. Well most of it is a lie. The only times he expresses emotions freely are by dancing, if he is around Allen or his siblings (mostly Allen), if someone messes with his siblings, or if he has stuffed his feelings for too long and is melting down. In a sense, he does have an identity crisis (I’m not sure if I want to accept this term or not with him but based on how he is within the story and all that it sort of makes sense that he has one). He’s built this facade that Leverrier and everyone else sees in public, but he has another ‘identity’ that he shows to only a few people. So he’s a little confused as to what or who he is at times (sorry if this doesn’t make much sense, my eyes are beginning to hate me because I’ve been staring at the screen for too long). But yeah, probably will add to this sometime soon but I gotta take a break, my eyes are killing me.

[arcticdementor]

I’m going to describe your least favorite politician: Everything they say goes viral. The establishment despises them, donors can’t influence them, and the media can’t tame them. They’ve ignored the traditional rules of politics and now, politics will never be the same. Their success is a threat to America.

…

Okay, one more thought experiment. I’m going to describe an industry. Then, you’re going to guess which one I’m talking about. You have three choices: commerce, education, or politics.

Since World War II, the industry has been relatively stable. The big players haven’t changed. They’ve built relationships with financiers and journalists. Until recently, the industry structure looked like it would exist forever.

But now, things are changing. Within the industry, the pace of change is quick. When people talk about the industry, they talk about madness and uncertainty. Weird things are happening. The future is uncertain. The establishment doesn’t control the industry like it once did. The establishment’s decline is giving rise to a new breed of internet-natives, who are following a new playbook that the establishment cannot compete against.

Commerce, education or politics: Which industry am I talking about?

The answer: All the above. Yep, you read that right. The exact same thing is happening in all three industries.

…

I’ll show how the shift from information scarcity to information abundance is transforming commerce, education, and politics. The structure of each industry was shaped by the information-scarce, Mass Media environment. First, we’ll focus on commerce. Education will be second. Then, we’ll zoom out for a short history of America since World War II. We’ll see how information scarcity creates authority and observe the effects of the internet on knowledge. Finally, we’ll return to politics and tie these threads together.

…

America’s biggest Consumer Packaged Goods (CPG) companies are losing market share. Across consumer goods industries, brand loyalty is dying. The percentage of affluent consumers in the top 5% of household income who can identify their favorite brand is in sharp decline (see Figure 1).

The reason is simple: brands are about trust and signaling. They’re a substitute for incomplete information. When information is scarce and asymmetric, consumers flock to trusted brands. But in many parts of the economy, when consumers have reviews at their fingertips, they no longer defer to brands when they make a purchasing decision.

…

By creating unlimited shelf space and reducing information asymmetries, power in the internet age is shifting from suppliers to customers. The world is increasingly demand driven. Customers have more choices than ever before. They can buy anything, at any time. Through the internet, brands can serve a long-tail of unmet consumer needs, which weren’t served by big box retailers. Small direct-to-consumer brands are popping up left and right. Their products go beyond their utilitarian purposes and reflect the identities of people who buy them. From dairy-free yogurt, to anti-razor bump grooming products, to the assortment of milks (oat, almond, skim, soy, coconut, rice, hemp, plant, cashew, macadamia, hazelnut, pea, flax, peanut, walnut) so large that you need a rolodex to keep track of them all, the products themselves differentiate these upstart brands from incumbents.

…

Like a fish in water, we’re unaware of the integration between our education system, the corporate structure, and our media environment.

Education flows down from the needs of employers. Companies outsource their recruiting efforts to universities, who gauge the quality of applicants on their behalf. Employers benefit, but students pay the price in time and debt. Accreditation is a signal of competence, so HR directors save time and money by restricting their applicant pool to graduates from top-tier universities. Ivy League graduates, for example, passed a quality bar which made them attractive to employers.

…

The system wasn’t always so crazy. Historically, there was a strong correlation between the reputation of the university and the quality of its education. Limited by the reach of their words, before the internet, top-tier professors could only teach hundreds of students at a time. Since professors couldn’t record or distribute their lectures, students had to witness them first-hand.

…

Paradoxically, as college degrees become commoditized, the cost of acquiring them continues to rise. Since 1991, tuition has increased by more than 300%, according to the US Department of Labor’s “tuition and school fees” component of the Consumer Price Index.

Tuition isn’t rising because professor pay has increased. Instruction costs accounted for only 28% of cost increases from 2000 to 2010. Faculty salaries have not risen proportionally to these tuition increases.

Colleges can stagnate and it doesn’t matter. The value of education can only be measured on a long, multi-decade time cycle. Even then, the success of alumni is a result of a multitude of factors, which are difficult to isolate and account for. Since there’s no way to measure the quality of an education, universities are gauged by superficial optics such as sticker price, acceptance rates, and questionable rankings systems.

As their monopoly on information disappeared, colleges justify their existence with increased amenities. Money that isn't spent is re-allocated to other departments, so there’s no incentive to save. Expensive new initiatives present a problem: as long as money is available, it will be spent; as long as it is spent, total costs will increase. These incentives trickle down through the organization, causing costs to skyrocket.

We’re bankrupting our students. The percentage of student borrowers with $20,000 or more in student debt has doubled over the last decade. Half of those borrowers don’t begin paying off principal until they’re 35. Student debt is a full-blown national crisis.

…

Due to the information explosion, society’s faith in institutions is corroding.

The grand hierarchies of the Industrial Age are in decline. Large institutions used to be like a Swiss army knife, equipped with tools for any scenario. They tackled problems forcefully and shouldered the responsibility of society’s greatest challenges. High-achieving college graduates dreamed of working for big companies such as AT&T, Ford, and Dow Chemical. Instead of leading a small business, people felt that serving as a cog in a large, industrial machine offered a higher point of leverage.

…

The tide has shifted and people don’t trust authority like they used to. The same institutions that once commanded so much American praise have lost their edge and versatility. They look less like a Swiss army knife and more like your grandma’s dull, rusty, 19th-century butter knife. They’re slow and stodgy, bloated and inefficient.

Political risk is growing in parallel. The rumble of instability is louder and louder each day. Threats of revolution are visible around the world, at a faster and faster rate.

…

No individual illustrates the media’s all-encompassing influence better than Walter Cronkite. “The Most Trusted Man in America” served as an anchorman for the CBS Evening News for 19 years. Cronkite’s nickname was rooted in fact. According to The Quayle Poll, a survey which measured trust in public figures, Cronkite sat at the top of the list and was the only newsman to appear on it. Everybody else on the list of trusted people was a politician. Yes, you read that right. Times have changed.

…

What does "The Cronkite Moment" say about politics in the age of broadcasting?

When information sources were limited, we traded truth for coherence.

Trigger warning: the media was never truthful. There, I said it. To be fair, the media didn’t actively deceive the public either. Rather, a small number of editors and journalists had outsized influence over public opinion, and naturally they had blind spots. Their errors of omission included Kennedy’s affairs, Johnson’s corruption, and Reagan’s dementia. News editors were like high priests, standing in front of an obedient society, perched upon a pulpit, made strong by a direct line to millions of Americans.

As the three letter outlets waved their batons, the masses responded like sheep. In pursuit of social cohesion, the range of opinions were kept artificially narrow. Even when media outlets disagreed with each other, they operated within an implicit set of assumptions and a narrow range of acceptable opinions. Media moguls had more than money; they had power. Absolute power. Even when inaccuracies were reported, consumers couldn’t respond at scale.

…

During the 20th century, as the world became more complex, information flows simplified.

Like a coxswain yelling to his team of obedient rowers, leaders controlled the dissemination of information and determined the movement of the entire group. Even as global population skyrocketed from 1.6 billion in 1900 to 6 billion in 2000, media driven cohesion kept the group together. Millions of people moved in near-magical synchronicity. Stroke! Stroke! Stroke!

…

Narrative control is no longer monopolized. The arbiters of truth have fragmented. Millions of people, historically constrained by the reach and spread of their ideas, can theoretically reach anybody in the world with an internet connection. The truth has always existed, but until recently, we haven’t had the means to uncover and distribute it.

…

The shifts we’ve outlined so far can be seen in the changing of the guard from Encyclopedia Britannica to Wikipedia.

Even as Wikipedia gained traction, only a small percentage of people thought Wikipedia stood a chance against Encyclopedia Britannica. These skeptics were informed by precedent. Since the Egyptian Library of Alexandria , knowledge had been monopolized by institutions and certified by authoritative people who separated fact from fiction.

…

Britannica was costly to use. It was heavy and hard to search through. There were many volumes, and owning them all was prohibitively expensive. Carrying a Britannica dictionary felt like lifting weights at the gym. If you could carry all of them, you deserved a gold medal at the Olympics. The information inside the covers was expensive to transport, so the encyclopedias cost a pretty penny. Due to its ubiquitous brand recognition, Britannica had the final word. Everybody trusted it.

Wikipedia is the opposite.

It’s free, not expensive; digital, not analog; crowd-sourced, not editor-driven; continually updated, not fixed forever. Britannica is organized by subjects, Wikipedia by hyperlinks. Britannica is organized in alphabetical order. Wikipedia is a web of references with no beginning or end. Wikipedia is made by the people, for the people. It’s a collective memory machine where knowledge is accessible to everybody with a smartphone. All of Wikipedia — yes, every single article — can be saved for offline access, right on your smartphone.

…

Rather than controlling speech itself, people can control speech by determining the limits of acceptable conversation. As Noam Chomsky, the father of modern linguistics said: “The smart way to keep people passive and obedient is to strictly limit the spectrum of acceptable opinion, but allow very lively debate within that spectrum....”

Before cable, the limits of acceptable speech were enforced by political parties, who, due to their incentives for mass appeal, encouraged political centrism. With the stroke of a pen, small groups set narratives for the masses. Every town has one or two newspapers and three TV stations — all centrist, pro-business, and respectful of authority. Newspapers and television stations monopolized the distribution of information within their local territory. Through their power, they built social cohesion by eliminating diverse opinion and creating a shared intellectual ground for citizens.

…

Political parties are bigger than the people who work for them. They are a set of relationships and a well of tactical knowledge. They consist of partisan media members, advertisers, donors, associations, interest groups, consultants, and of course, politicians. Political parties built intimate relationships with donors to fund their advertising efforts. Local organizations, such as churches and labor unions lead get-out-the-vote efforts.

…

Voter interests were a means, not an end. In exchange for voter support, political parties ensured the election of their politicians by building relationships with editors, journalists, and media executives.

Now, that’s changing.

The media’s monopoly saw its first cracks with the rise of cable, and now, due to the internet, the Mass Media environment is going to crumble. The internet — where everyone can find, select, edit, and distribute content — has already left its mark. The Overton Window has been shattered. The media is no longer a barrier against diverse thought and opinion. Extreme opinions, which were once squashed by the Mass Media environment, can survive on the internet, where a viral message can spread to every corner of the globe.

…

As power shifts from a small mass of powerful constituents to a large mass of individual voters, politicians serve the voters directly instead of the needs of their political parties, where voters were just a means to an end. As the balance of power shifts away from political party affiliates to communication maestros, donors can no longer dictate political outcomes.

Every new medium of communication produces a chain of revolutionary consequences at every level of politics. Like a mountain range long in the distance, despite the hazy details of a future difficult to interpret, we can see the general outlines. The influencers of today are the politicians of tomorrow. Candidates with reach have organic built-in distribution, access to owned data and organic customer insights, and lower get-out-the-vote costs. Media savviness will be an essential skill for political success.

How people look and speak will be crucial to their success, and I wouldn’t be surprised if the politicians of tomorrow look more like celebrities than traditional politicians.

…

The 2016 Presidential Election was our waking up moment.

Trump has exposed the media’s weaknesses. As an observer, I was struck by the disconnect between what the media reported and the feelings of Americans on the ground. The media played one game. Trump played another. Trump’s campaign was loud, colorful and aggressive. Like a circus, eyes were glued to the show. Donald Trump invested little in traditional advertising, de-legitimized major media outlets, and connected with voters directly. Even as he invested less in advertising than Clinton or his Republican opponents, he dominated the media coverage and received unprecedented levels of attention. His apparent shortcomings helped, not hurt, his candidacy. Attacks benefited his campaign.

The media was caught in a Catch-22: cover Trump and he’ll win the election; ignore him and you’ll lose viewers and revenue. Media businesses thrived during the election. The rate of growth for New York Times newspaper subscriptions increased ten-fold over the previous year. Cable news viewership exploded during the election, which boosted ad revenue.

…

In short, as the amount of information exploded, the media — with business models built for an environment of information scarcity — engaged in a Faustian Bargain. Naval Ravikant said it best: "The Internet commoditized the distribution of facts. The ‘news’ media responded by pivoting wholesale into opinions and entertainment."

To be sure, I don’t want to ascribe too much weight to Trump’s election. I’m conscious of the human tendency to ignore probabilities in hindsight and wrap a narrative around every event, with a bias towards recent ones. With that said, I am confident of this: President Trump would not have won under the old Mass Media laws of media and politics. Trump's win was made possible by the shift from information scarcity to information abundance. People are overwhelmed by the volume of information and contradictions between media outlets.

…

People who scapegoat Jack Dorsey and Mark Zuckerberg miss a fundamental truth. Twitter didn’t happen to politics. Facebook didn’t happen to politics. The internet happened to politics. The shifts are structural and until we understand that, we can’t have an intelligent conversation about the state of the world. The common narratives, which are exaggerated by the media’s incentive to sensationalize the news, blind us to the real problems that plague society.

…

Big institutions, whose dominance once seemed eternal, are on the brink of collapse.

The explosion of information has undermined and obsoleted the 20th-century organizational model. Big brands are losing market share. Big universities are going bankrupt. Big political parties are splintering and losing their control over the political narrative. In their wake, small businesses who connect with audiences and serve the unique needs of consumers are thriving; digitally-native universities who can educate, entertain, accredit, and find work for students will blossom; likewise, politicians who can bypass the media and connect with voters directly are commanding attention, influencing policy and stepping into office.

[tielt]

I have a lot of healing to do and I haven’t till today listened to others psychosis experiences and I felt it better to try to shut the door than re-injure with poorly thought out exposure therapy. This human has had the same meta-experience as the deep process alterations that happened to me, it’s weirdly similar in affect. My hallucinations and triggers are all auditory not complex in person entities, she is many years beyond me in healing I think, sharing a lot of details and how to operate with a loved one who has this. It was helpful to me to understand that the gender and identity issues I shared with her experience is separate from my transition which coexist in a unpleasant way. It is as she says that the disorientation means you are oddly gentled by not really being able to ascertain reality to know even when you should defend yourself. I haven’t been in serious delusional states for a couple years now, but unlike her I regularly have auditory hallucinations still completely separate from the vulgarity of a full blown psychotic episode. Even though as she does, I do not recognize that broken person even as being the same person as me I was only ever of danger to myself and only because it was unpleasant enough that continuing to exist was not a recognizable reality. Now I live with centered intent on keeping myself and my cat safe and out of crisis and every suicidal impulse is tailed with a self reminder it’s not about not-unaliving, but to keep myself and the cat out of the suffering of crisis rather than trying to convince myself to want to exist somehow. In this way I care for myself, and my cat Izzy. When I am thinking of Eden I feel the rest in peace comrade strongly. If you ever read a note of mine I would ask you to do the same. We can’t always be expected to be who others want us to be. Psychosis really makes that a clear objective reality that we then can’t at all trust we know from unreal. Carolynn did explain it better than I can currently which honestly gives me hope of deeper healing of this. Also she has a better context to speak to that general state. At the moment even having a full coherent understanding of my context I don’t know that I can project the softness this person has or should. What she described sounds like ego death, maybe that’s just a pseudoscience thing. She’s so strong looking, I can’t tell if that’s projecting. I think I am photo shy since I had to remove my piercings for surgery and decided the inflammation to my immune system was irresponsible with multiple sclerosis. I think I feel more not myself from that than anything else right now. Sounds shallow, maybe I miss the person I was or just wanna be past the years she put into the healing processes. I’m not lazy, I work really hard and the therapy I have had was not what I need. It is so hard to accept extreme vulnerability after sharpening my teeth on my own bones, is how it feels. I focus on understanding all the time and I don’t see myself treading her path of finding trust again.

[writer59january13]

Mine psyche riddled with dybbuk

Thru emerging adulthood awareness awoke

within noggin of average baby boomer bloke

catastrophization toward risk taking I evoke

positive growth experiences throughout vast

number of orbitz around sun never kickstarted,

nor linkedin with potential livingsocial folk,

thus omniscient cosmic consciousness I invoke

diametrically contradicting atheism haint no joke

where self important

fulsome mortals indistinguishable

among bobbing flotsam and jetsam squarely sponging precious resources

off the pants courtesy Mother Earth

heartily rooted in narcissistic strength,

whenever necessary razing mighty oak destroying other flora

unwittingly insidious effects

industrial revolutions triggered global warming

and abomination, brutalization, cannibalization

demolition, eradication, ruination...

on the upside twenty first century

environmental activism did provoke.

Courtesy solitude yours truly

proffers poetic obscurantist blatherskite

discombobulated clishmaclaver will delight

expressing how me courage didst take fright

puncturing since boyhood head to toe height

housing crotchety, fidgety, impiety bent knight

impossible mission to summon bravado might

thus, I figuratively slunk within analogous shell (think “Peter Peter

Pumpkin Eater nursery rhyme”)

avoiding testing comfortable autozone outright

trumpeting unconvincing lame duck excuse quite -

begetting, drafting, fielding, heralding, jump- starting, loosing, notching another psychological mischievous sprite.

I submissively succumbed opportunistically, meekly, heroically, and dutifully attest

to surrender once plagued narcissistic self

to beastly merciless beck and call behest

all the while actualizing, envisioning,

and imagining outlook as if afflicted

with dissociative identity disorder,

whereby manifested spirit housed in my chest

spontaneously showing up as unwanted guest.

Twas deadly scourge

of one obsessive/compulsive disorder

anorexia nervosa absent bulimia - nadir

of onset sans quasi schizoid behavior,

which agonizingly slow suicide

by self starvation

mailer daemon maelstrom within mine psyche,

when yours truly prepubescent lad

(particularly devastating

to immediate family members)

as emaciation pitted existential revulsion

from unseen wuthering heights

nearly wrung death knell

annihilating me fragile entity

with peremptory imprimatur

yielding covalent bond to death

readily obvious to kith and kin

via zorro like signature per profound

perilous depressive psychological state.

Now - at about one score

plus seventeen years

from attaining rank of centenarian

perfect 20/20 hindsight

offers supreme advantage

from said aforementioned psychological crisis

within mind of yours truly

middle aged progeny and sole sol

mine father and mother respectively

hypothesizing numerous educated guesses

why he willfully

hurtled his flesh at light speed

down the abyss toward his demise.

Literal and physical lightness of being

manifested within nooks and crannies

prior to full blown symptoms

to eliminate sustenance

drawing the curtain on brief residence

way before high noon of life

metamorphosis from boyhood into man

found solace in attempting

to keep derrière at half moon bay

natural cycle which transformation grieved me

to pine for nostalgic childhood’s end,

(albeit one fraught with romanticism)

vengefully interpreted attempt

to halt dead in the tracks

intervention of mother,

whose nursing experience

helped fend off passive attempt

to promulgate passive silent plan to fruition.

She whipped various

nutritious concoctions in the blender

to ensure minimal essentials to this

(I readily admit) famished body

in conjunction with applying

vital supplements into

one or the other bony gluteus maximus

thru fuel injection,

which submissiveness to acquiesce

and bare my buttocks

did absolute zero banishment

to squelch death wish.

I inexorably overcame eating disorder

to cease going on deadly hunger strike,

which essentially constituted

a declaration of independent control

despite horrendous deprivation regarding voracious craving for food

stuffing innards like a pike

bifurcated psychic division to live

ousted coeval death wish sans goal

seize yore per reminiscence of blissful

childhood over-flooded self made dike

engendering propensity to catapult

over abysmal emotional hole

and way before the invention of facebook,

I mentally clicked like mental health

to fight the mailer daemons

that part of me healthy development stole.

[palmettofoxden]

what if neil had some sort of identity crisis? i mean he's cycled through so many personalities and looks so what if something happened that triggered him into wondering if 'neil josten' really was his true self? how do you think andrew and the foxes would react?

Oh, Neil would totally have a bunch of little identity crises that he tries to just shrug off two minutes later and it would eventually add up to a full blown one.

I feel like Neil’s pretty cemented in wanting to be Neil Josten and belonging with the Foxes

So, I’m seeing it more as a ‘Who the fuck am I? Oh, fuck, I’m still not the Neil they all think I am’ kind of thing

Like Neil has a bunch of memorized answers to things to try to not arouse people’s suspicions

But he doesn’t know the real answers to these questions?

Like sure, he can spout off a rehearsed answer to simple questions

But he doesn’t want to lie to the Foxes anymore and they’ve made Neil a real person, but he still doesn’t know who Neil is

And he’s starting to suspect that they all know Neil better than he knows Neil

And there’s this fear that he’s not really the Neil they see and know and that he’s still just chameleoning to blend in with whichever of them he’s with

It’s the little things that plant the seeds of doubt

Fucking tiny little questions that trip him the fuck up

What is his favourite movie?

Most people can at least come up with one movie that they like, even if they’re not sure it’s their favourite

Neil can’t come up with one movie that he even remembers having watched?

He just sits there on the sidelines for any movie discussions

Same with tv shows?

Neil’s seen like three episodes of The Price is Right and five minutes of a soap opera and other than that, he’s exclusively watched exy or the news or exy news

He doesn’t even have a preferred news channel? He just goes to whichever?

He hasn’t even heard of any of the tv shows people are talking about

What music does Neil like?

He only knows country music from the endless country radio stations his mom put on their travels

He doesn’t like country music, but it’s the only thing he knows

He can’t follow any discussions about music

He doesn’t recognize the popular songs he knows he’s supposed to

For the most part, it doesn’t make any difference to him whose music is on, but the Foxes keep looking to him for opinions on songs that all sound like variations of the same thing to Neil?

One time, the Foxes were talking about concerts and Allison asked him if he could only see one concert ever who he would see

And Neil just sat there silent for an uncomfortable amount of time, struggling to think of a concert he wouldn’t mind seeing, until Renee rescued him by starting to talk about something else

What does Neil even like to drink?

Clearly, water is not the right answer

When he gave that answer even Kevin thought he was joking

He is supposed to like a larger variety than just water

But water is good for you?

But like he doesn’t crave that water taste, he just drinks it to live?

And he doesn’t drink soda

And he has no opinion on different types of alcohol?

When he decides to drink, he just drinks whatever Andrew gives him

And he doesn’t even have an opinion on which juice he likes best?

Honestly, juice isn’t that great???

The different kinds don’t exactly taste the same, but they’re all just as whatever

Like the boy honestly doesn’t even look at what kind of juice it is when he’s having some?

And hot chocolate is way too sweet

Milk just tastes like water to Neil?

Except for chocolate milk which is too sweet (and Andrew stocks an unnerving amount of it at all times)

At this point, Neil can’t tell the difference between good coffee and horrible coffee that’s been sitting for hours

He will literally drink shitty instant coffee that’s been sitting out for two days without flinching?

He is totally desensitized to bad coffee after all the days and nights downing awful truckstop coffee to keep himself awake for his turn driving

He knows he should have some kind of opinion on this sort of thing, but he just doesn’t?

And he doesn’t have many opinions on food and hasn’t tried that much stuff either and mostly just eats whatever he’s given

Because if he didn’t eat whatever he was given, his parents would not react well

So, he knows he doesn’t like things that are too sweet and avoids them

And he doesn’t like vegetables but he can make himself eat them if they’re there

But he just eats whatever is there and never seeks out any specific kind of food he’s craving or anything

And apparently the Foxes think this is strange

Like they asked him what kind of takeout he wanted and Neil shut down for two minutes and then told them to decide?

And they all looked between each other like this was very concerning stuff

But, honestly, Neil didn’t care what kind of food they got so why shouldn’t someone who cares decide?

And as more little things like this add up, Neil starts to feel less like a whole person and more like an outline on paper again

He knows more lies about Neil Josten as a cover than he knows truths about himself as a person

And eventually he comes up short in a conversation that should be simple and is simple to the rest of them and it’s just too much

He’s with the upperclassmen and they’re talking about terrible books they’ve had to read for school and what the worst book they’ve ever read is and what their favourite books are

Neil can hardly even remember the books he’s read

Never once did he read books he was supposed to for English class in high school because Neil Josten wasn’t supposed to have a future, he was just supposed to skate by with grades barely good enough to still be allowed to play on the exy team

Nathan heavily discouraged reading because a book was never going to teach Neil anything practical like how to stab a man to death so that he feels maximum pain before dying

Plus, Nathan didn’t want Neil daydreaming about other places

And on the run, Mary would occasionally pick up one of those cheap romance novels that are everywhere and read them in the car while Neil was driving

Neil tried reading one of them once, but he did not get it

He did not understand what the main character saw in the love interest

He did not understand what his mother saw in these books after her marriage turned out so poorly

Neil made it about thirty pages in before he gave up

Neil knows the upperclassmen are still talking and he thinks they might have asked him for his input, but he can’t really focus on their words and he can hear his blood rushing in his ears

He stands up and doesn’t realize until after he’s left the room that he probably should have said something to them instead of just walking out

He doesn’t realize he’s called Andrew until he’s standing in the hallway and hears Andrew’s voice in his ear and realizes he’s holding his phone

Neil barely manages to get out “I’m in the hallway”

Andrew doesn’t ask why Neil’s in the hallway

He doesn’t ask why Neil is calling him from the hallway instead of just coming in the dorm room to get him

Neil called him

Like actually picked up his phone and used it

And Andrew knows that means it’s important

He comes out of their dorm, takes one look at Neil’s face, and leads him to the stairwell

He’s already got two cigarettes out when they make it to the roof

Neil’s still kind of dazed and confused when they sit down, but he feels a little better looking down at the cigarette in his hands

Burying his mother on a beach might not be a pleasant memory, but it is a concrete memory that is undeniably his

That’s not crafted

Andrew’s waiting to see if Neil is going to explain what’s going on

Neil doesn’t say anything and the minutes drag on

Finally, Neil says “I have no idea who I am.”

And Andrew tells him “That’s stupid. You’re Neil Abram Josten.”

But Neil explains that he had this constructed identity of who Neil Josten is and he’s not that either

He’s just nothing

Neil Josten was fake, but they made him into a real person

A real person he knows nothing about

Neil starts explaining all the things he doesn’t know about himself and about how he doesn’t even know his own simple likes and dislikes

And how even what he does know about his tastes doesn’t feel like opinions, it feels like choices made for him because he doesn’t know anything else

Andrew says “Who gives a fuck if you didn’t read some shitty book in high school or have no opinion on juice?”

Andrew responds by listing off the things he does know about Neil

“You are an exy junkie. You chose that. You’re a striker. Because you chose to be a striker.”

But Neil’s even starting to question what he knows about that much

Because he likes exy, fuck does he like exy, but he used to think it was the most important thing

He was willing to die just to play it

And exy’s still significant, but sometimes he puts other things first

Ask Kevin, he hates how Neil will make other plans instead of dropping everything to watch games with him

Andrew tells Neil that’s bullshit and him changing his priorities from Kevin’s is him forming his own identity, not losing it

Neil mentions that he thinks he changes his identity depending on who he’s with and Andrew immediately calls bullshit on that too

“You practically got us all killed starting fights and that was while you were trying to blend in. You do not have the capacity to change your personality to appease anyone.”

Andrew starts listing off things he knows about Neil like how Neil likes running and for whatever reason it calms him

And how Neil would totally die a martyr in a zombie apocalypse

And how he has some weird obsession with bringing the team together

And he’s a stubborn little shit who won’t back down when he gets an idea in his head

And how Neil has a knack for finding the perfect insult to shut someone down

And how he’s an observant piece of shit who can’t mind his own business, even though he tries so hard to keep his own identity a secret

And he just keeps listing things off

It’s not in the nicest tone, but Neil actually starts to listen to him and believe the things he’s being told

He’s still confused about who he is, but Andrew’s listing enough things that he’s got to admit that it forms at least a partial identity

And Andrew’s like “That’s who Neil Josten is. All the other stuff is minor. Favourite songs. Likes and dislikes. That’s all small talk. Surface level. Unimportant. You can figure that out later.”

[ayestacksss]

Acceptance

     Through every tragedy in my life, one common theme I keep finding myself coming to is acceptance. Sometimes you have to take life with a grain of salt, but ultimately you still have to swallow. Accepting things for what they are can be a painful, draining process, but necessary for your mental growth and well-being. Being in denial is insane. In turn, being accepting will bring you sanity in situations you feel may drive you crazy. Whether it be the loss of someone close to you, a break-up with someone you love, or just any tragedy in life, acceptance is key. 

     Becoming an accepting person is a constant effort. It’s something you have to re-do every time something unfortunate happens in life because every situation is different, and will make you feel different ways. Even though my conscious tells me to accept the things going on around me, naturally emotions take over at times, too. Being I am an emotional person, it can be hard not to be reactionary. As I get older, though, it will remain my goal and I will never stop putting in that effort. Understanding that I suffer from depression, which in itself is a hard reality, means to me that my mental health must always be a priority.

      I make it a point to make sure I learn something from every major experience in my life, because I have noticed it gives me some clarity and hope in the situation. My life has been full of major, character defining experiences and as I reflect on the woman I have become, I pride myself in being strong. Getting through everything I’ve been through even though at the time I felt defeated means that I will always be okay. I will always bounce back. As a pre-teen, I had to accept that there was a strong chance my father wouldn't make it to see me graduate, walk me down the isle and give me away to the man I want to marry, or meet his grandchildren. I had to accept a reality that at any point in time, on any day, I may receive a phone call saying my father is gone. Naturally, as a child, I had a hard time dealing with that. I slipped in my schoolwork, I slept in class because I was up all night paranoid or crying my eyes out because I missed my dad. I stopped being social and was consumed in my own thoughts and fears. After about a year and a half, I accepted it. I respected and appreciated the time we had and still do, especially now because I ended up with much more time than I originally anticipated I would. Even though my father will never give me away or meet his grand kids, it’s okay with me now, as sad as that reality is. It won’t change. 

     Life didn’t stop beating me up from there. I also went through a major “acceptance phase” when I became an adult. I believe this is a phase every young adult goes through when they grow up and are mature enough to form their own opinions on touchy subjects and sometimes we find out that people we had a lot of respect for have opinions or may have done things we just genuinely cannot respect. We also may come to realize certain people we spent our lives judging truly didn’t deserve that judgment. This sense of a “reality check” can be so conflicting that it causes somewhat of an identity crisis for the person. The way they’ve thought and felt their entire lives may have been completely wrong by their new found definition of right and wrong or perhaps they find out there was more to a situation than they previously knew and it changes their entire view on it. 

    For example, after reconciling with my birth mother, who I found out wasn’t this horrible, neglecting person I was influenced to believe she was, I started wondering about my real father. Once I fell in love with somebody I seriously saw myself having kids with, that curiosity bloomed into a full blown investigation. Ultimately, I had to accept that the only person who would know who my father is, doesn’t know. There was no way around it, no matter how hard I dug. I had to accept that I will never know who my real father is. Now that I have accepted it, it no longer consumes me. 

     A very important thing to remember about reality is that you can’t run from it. It will come and smack you in the face and regain your attention until you decide to formally deal with it. Repressed memories can be triggered and can cause anxiety. Trust me, I know first hand. Trying to repress the memory of being molested as a child by never talking about, and not even looking at it as molestation only worked for so long. Even after coming out and telling my boyfriend/best friend, I still struggled with it because I still wasn’t accepting it for what it was. I looked at it like foul play, not molestation. I felt like I was already enough of a pity case coming from foster care and having endured mental and emotional abuse from the woman who raised me made me feel sorry enough, without counting myself as one of the large percentage of women who have been sexually abused, as well. After finding out my little sister was likely also molested forced me to stop repressing that memory. It made me feel weak for not speaking up before it could happen to someone else, and that guilt made me feel responsible in a way. These negative feelings were taking over and controlling me, meanwhile I’m fully aware none of this was ever my fault and I don’t deserve to feel that way. I began seeing a therapist who FORCED me to accept reality by confirming that by law, what I experienced was molestation. No way around it, anymore. I had to accept it. Due to that acceptance, it made me realize that the only sound thing I can do, is be there for my sister like someone should have been there for me. The difference between my sister and I is she was brave enough to speak on it before she became an adult. For that, I owe her support. 

     Life has continued and will continue to throw undesirable situations my direction and my sanity depends on my ability to learn and be resilient. So I will continue to try to remain more conscious and less emotional. I will accept my feelings as valid, because they are and they deserve credit, however I’m done letting them control and consume me. My goal in life is to remain humble and keep gaining knowledge. I am aware I’m extremely young and have a lot of life ahead of me and in order to make the best of that, I need to spend more energy being happy and productive instead of dwelling on things that cannot be changed. These things include all the things listed above from my past, the things I’m currently experiencing and what is coming in the future. I’ve learned that happiness doesn’t come from running from the things you’re scared of, like heartbreak or a fucked up childhood, but accepting that these things are inevitable and the only way to get back to being happy is by accepting things for what they are sooner rather than later. When I was cursed with depression and trained to have anxiety, I was also blessed with my overactive mind. Yes, my thoughts can and have consumed me through my depressed phases and moments, but I also benefit from my overactive mind. I constantly think of things a million different ways and from a million different perspectives. My benefit is an open mind. A mind that will at some point, achieve clarity because of my desire to learn and understand. It’s a process but so is life.