#it stopped not due to lack of interest but due to bullshit health issues

[erminecore]

hmngh... hollowed... knight....

[rametarin]

To reiterate.

The virus is real, masking kinda helps, the vaccines are real, effective and fine.

The issue I have is not that the vaccines “don’t work,” or.. have “magnetic whatever” in them (they don’t.) That’s hooey. The reality is, yes, COVID19 is real, the vaccines are real. In fact, mRNA vaccines, once the bugs are worked out, will enable RAPID response to the onset of actually very bad plagues or bio-weapons in a very short time, and have the potential to render a virus toothless out to ten billion generations of natural mutation from the source, given enough development. the mRNA vaccines or conventional COVID19 vaccines are not there to sterilize you, give you learning disabilities or autism, or TURN THE FREAKIN’ FROGS GAY.

The real problem is that this virus didn’t need to exist, and it is beyond disbelief to imagine that a corona virus with characteristics of multiple different corona virus families, many of which from species with no hereditary function to apply or infect human beings, would just fly out of the ether. COVID19 was without precedent and was shown to have characteristics identical to other corona viruses not of its hereditary lineage, but cousin species. However this discourse has gotten awfully quiiet, for some reason. It wasn’t just a Pangolin virus that gained the ability to negatively interact with human lungs. That did not happen by natural mutation in the wild.

Considering the fact it verywell and probably was a weapon that just so happened to escape from the literal god damned Chinese military COVID biolab in Wuhan, funded by Fauci’s little group, where they were STUDYING THIS EXACT BULLSHIT, that may be a reason of international diplomatic relations and national security. Despite being rather obvious to anyone that thinks about it for two god damned minutes.

So we have an American-Chinese team where they study gain-of-function in corona viruses in a Chinese military bio-lab, a virus with grab bag characteristics that IT CANNOT GAIN THROUGH NATURAL EVOLUTION ARBITRARILY (no two mutations are EVER the same. You don’t get the same fucking spike through convergent mutation, that shit was spliced and inherited) and surprise surprise it escaped and made its way across the globe because the Chinese corrupted and manipulated the WHO and international bodies into keeping quiet and not asking questions on threat of nuclear war (look it up. The US tried to probe, China threatened.)

And ultimately, what is the damage of the virus? Actually rather little. It was never going to exterminate more than 1-2% of the human species before we all gained natural immunity to it, or it thinned the herd enough for allow natural immunity at the great expense. Same as corona viruses from everywhere else on earth humans have dealt with since antiquity. It’s just another virus that can kill you and will more than likely kill the elderly and those with pre-existing health conditions.

So then, why release a milquetoast virus as a doomsday weapon? And there’s the rub.

COVID19 was not created to cleanse the world like a conventional bio-nuke. It was created to be the backdrop for a greater discussion and practical argument for socialism. After using the bureaucracy to negate alternatives and other options, inertia in the system designed to prevent functioning and solving this problem in any logical of reasonable fashion, they want to have a “discussion” about how to fix this.

The real discussions they want to have are about the poor and the exposed, about how there’s now a need to prevent people from being homeless regardless of their ability to pay for a shelter, or work for pay. A reason to declare it to be wrong to hold church masses, but turn a blind eye to other people having maskless close-quarters gatherings. A reason to demand a kind of “practical conformity” in the form of masks, whether or not they actually do anything to eliminate virus transmission outside of a clinical setting or from lack of switching them out enough.

The virus was created to be a prop and a natural hazard as people argue for the “necessity” of their ideological bullshit. It was a weapon designed to punish inaction and the lack of addressing infection vectors. It was created specifically to argue that, “nobody, despite their age or level of infirmity, should be accepted to just die from natural greater exposure,” since they disagree that just because you’re old, you should be more vulnerable to illness.

So they’ve argued and used a virus as a weapon to demand everybody tighten their belts and we stop accepting that just because someone is morbidly obese and with other co-morbidities and age related weakness, that a wave of flu that for the rest of humanity is unfortunate and inconvenient but survivable, takes out people 80+. COVID19 is simply a weaponized prop for this “turning point” discussion.

But it’s not JUST a weapon designed to make those conversations about, “social change,” more real, it’s a weapon designed to make healthcare a bigger part of government and policy making as a whole. Creating a necessity via healthcare necessities, such as through viruses released into the wild to mutate and change. Or, if not naturally mutate and change, occasionally refresh the antagonist pool by dropping new and more virulent strains artificially created and cultured. Y’know, as a treat.

This is why so many like Faucci are in on it. What on earth would the medical establishment have to gain from colaboration with the Chinese military? A fast tracking towards vaccine technology that otherwise may’ve taken decades to fully realize, but due to practical and pragmatic reasons, can now be argued to get “needed” funds and necessitate rapid approval and development. Undercutting miles of red tape and time gated meetings, approvals, commitees, deliberations and refinements and trials, due to it basically being, “wartime emergency.”

And it isn’t even about gaining billions, conceivably trillions of dollars in profit. Just greed, there are better avenues for that then this haphazard cloak&dagger mess. It’s this entire performance is about engineering, “social change” and turning the world into a theater.

This method to “have convuhsayshuns uwu” and flex a bit of authoritarian moralist muscle is the epitome of everything that is wrong with, “social justice”, as defined by these fucks. Manufacture a problem and then use social manipulation techniques and set the house on fire to distract and force priority of discussion, only converse in the way and topic of what and how you want to converse, and disallow conversation that might take the outcome away from the target. It’s cold blooded, it’s manipulative, it’s machivallian, it’s fucking psychotic. And oh so familiarly, it’s in the interests of somebody’s, “greater good.”

Every complaint the supposed “left” has about hawk&dove war mongering against tangible other people and governments, the need for civil rights and diplomacy, the need for privacy from government, goes out the window when it comes to something like a virus or plague. They’ll very happily use the wartime economy and social schism to impose their own moralist versions of jingoism. And a virus is the perfect thing to weaponize to get what they want. Just rather than fight an unwinnable war against drugs or islamoimperialism, they seek to turn the wartime economy towards and war on illness. Replacing the military with the medical establishment.

And when the curtain finally falls and people point out this has all been smoke and mirrors, a massive play to dismantle churches, reshape the social sphere, make the New Normal not accepting seasonal viruses wiping out the elderly and infirm just because you can’t stop seasonal viruses, they’re going to ask, “But what did we really lose, though? :^)”

[skinks]

alright, alright, listen up. i have yet to see the second movie (mainly cos i cant find an illegal version>:() but i know the spoilers. so. joe. what the HELL happened to eddie. i'm: furious. please break down what went wrong. i'm procrastinating on an english essay and am about to lose my damn mind a) why is this essay due tomorrow and b) why'd andy do this to us?

fhdkhfksd sorry this is late! I hope your English essay got done in time :0

valid of you not to have seen the movie, unlike some idiots (me) who paid to see it twice in the cinema

it probably all boils down to the difficult task of trying to adapt even one half of a novel as huge as IT into a single film. There just isn’t enough time to really delve into the characters, which is really imo one of the book’s strengths. The characters all feel very solid and distinct because we get so much insight during their chapters, and Eddie’s passages are probably the most engaging. He’s so interesting! He’s so curious and conflicted, so determined and brave and defensive and funny and full of so much love for his friends

There’s an interview Muschietti did at what I think was a book launch q&a for the movie companion book, where he said that he didn’t pick up on any of the repressed sexuality subtext in Eddie’s story. And y’know, I find that odd because to me it’s blatant and widely written about, but whatever. THEN he said he thought Eddie had “enough issues” already without adding the sexuality angle, as if Eddie’s repression couldn’t possibly be deeply linked to his obsessive health anxiety or his struggle for autonomy from the controlling memory of his mother

And so the movie, I think, fails to really delve into the reasons for any of the adult characters’ problems, except for maybe Bill and to some minor extent, Richie.

It’s just that Eddie (and Mike, who’s COMPLETELY sidelined) gets the worst of this lack of characterisation, and instead suffers from mischaracterisation. He’s turned into total comic relief, his hypochondria and “mommy issues” are there only as shallow backdrop for the bullshit “overcoming his cowardice” arc that the screenplay gives him.

I KNOW that this is most likely a runtime issue, and because of the change in screenwriters between ch1 and ch2, but it’s still galling. Eddie’s robbed of all his moments of poignant catharsis that make his arc so satisfying and fascinating and tragic in the book.

Bowers’ death, for instance - Eddie kills him in the book and we’re meant to read it as a mirrored conclusion to the set-up where, as children, Henry breaks Eddie’s arm. Eddie is particularly targeted with homophobia from Bowers in the book. By giving that entire plot to Richie, wherein it’s Richie we see receiving homophobic abuse as a child, and it’s Richie who kills Bowers, the filmmakers are by their own admission showing that they lifted entire chunks of Eddie’s sexuality narrative and just... gave them to Richie instead.

This isn’t to say that Richie isn’t targeted with homophobia in the book - he is, and it’s interesting that he and Eddie are iirc the only two who are - OR that they shouldn’t have given Richie the closeted narrative. I’m very glad we got canonically gay Richie. I just don’t see why we couldn’t have had some canon acknowledgement of Eddie’s many telling moments, many of them shared with Richie, especially his dying words scene. His last words are a cheap joke, and his last WORD is literally “mother”, which will never stop pissing me off lmao. You’re allowed more than one gay character in a story, hollywood

The film’s lack of any reciprocity of Richie’s feelings on Eddie’s end, or in fact the lack of any of the tenderness book!Eddie shows for his friends is the most annoying thing about how they handled ch2 Eddie, in my opinion. It speaks to a fundamental misunderstanding of Eddie’s feisty, passionate character.

That’s why I still like ch1 better. Not only is it just a more solid film in almost every way, but Eddie’s always been my favourite from the book and I feel like they did his arc justice in the first movie. Ch2 was attempting too many things, and failed at most of them

[heweightlossjourney]

Introductions

**PRO ANA, PRO MIA, AND THINSPO ACCOUNTS DO NOT INTERACT**

Hello to anyone reading this. I’m H and I’ve started this sideblog to document my weight loss and keep myself accountable. Let me start with a little backstory:

I have been overweight for as long as I can remember. I’ve never been super active, though I was on a couple sports teams at various points throughout my school life. I always overate as a kid and I still do it now. Eating has been a coping mechanism for me my entire life, and I would say that I am addicted to food. 

I have generally been okay being heavy, but bullying is a bitch and I know that other people’s perception of me affected me and made me a nasty bitch in middle school and high school. I wasn’t in a place to understand why I acted out until I was able to distance myself from my long term abusive boyfriend and my dad stopped drinking and got out of his abusive/toxic situation. Now, I understand the effects that the trauma in my life has had on me and I’m calmer and more level-headed, so I am in a good place to start working on my physical health in conjunction with my mental health. 

I know that my self-image right now isn’t healthy, and I am aiming to love my body. I am trying hard not to think of the things I might want after this, like skin removal surgery and breast reshaping, but it is hard not to imagine myself with a little sprucing up. While I don’t want to scrutinize over every flaw I have, I think the best way I can motivate myself to keep it up is taking note of my body and how I perceive certain areas, so I will update this with my reflection on how my body looks every so often. 

Over the time I have been not working because of COVID-19, I have gained weight, but I have also started keeping up with infamous obese youtubers like Amberlynn Reid and Foodie Beauty, and watching channels like Charlie Gold and Petty Kitten react to them. I would be lying if I said that it wasn’t a kick in the ass to not become as big as them, but also a motivator knowing that I will never be like that, I won’t allow myself to be like them, and that I am a better person than they are. I know that thinking like that is mean and cruel, but I am here to lose weight, not monetize my addiction and appeal to feeders while maintaining an attitude of entitlement and oblivion.

While we are at it, let me just name a few of my rock bottom moments:

- my abusive ex boyfriend calling me “Whaley”

- being too heavy to ride horses

- being too big for a ride at the fair and having to get off it in front of a ton of people in public

- my brother swiping the back of m head like a debit machine

- my ability to polish of a lot of food in one go

- my lack of stamina standing, walking, exercising, being on top during sex

- crushing my boyfriend when I lay on him

- being too big to fit into 3x clothing on websites like dollskill that actually sell some interesting clothing for bigger ladies

Without too much more delay, let’s get into the facts:

Age: 18

Height: 5′11

Starting Weight: 333 pounds

Current Weight: 329 pounds

Total Loss: 4 pounds

BMI: 45.9

BMI Goal: 25

Current Goal: 300 pounds by day 30

Day: 4

Health Concerns: Morbid Obesity, PCOS and Insulin Resistance, Lactose Intolerance, Depression, Anxiety, Food Addiction.

Diet Plan: OMAD (one meal a day) and intermittent fasting. 

The diet I have chosen to follow, OMAD, is one of many different diets I have tried over the course of my life. I have tried keto, I have tried vegetarianism, I have tried slimfast. The reason I have chosen this particular diet this time is because of the freedom to eat pretty much anything within the hour I set aside for myself to eat each day. It’s hard to fuck yourself up too much in an hour. After having done the diet for a few days, here is what I have noticed about it:

- I get hangry

- I am somewhat nocturnal and often sleep from 6am - 2pm, and it makes it so much easier

- The boost in energy after my feels like I am on top of the world, and the naps while digesting fuckin rock, sleepy is a good feeling when you have time set aside for it

- It is a lot of mental will power to look at my favourite foods and say no

- It is a lot of mental will power not to cram 3 meals into an hour

- It is hard to pick what I want for dinner

- Cravings hit hard

- Black Coffee is nasty

- It is easier not to consume dairy with OMAD, and not have diarrhea everyday is nice.

There are some things I have noted as well, like eating dairy at all is a big mistake. It is unpleasant to only feel full for a short period of time before violently emptying the contents of my digestive tract. The effects of lactose has on my body go so much quicker when it is the only thing I have in my body at the time. Lactaid is very hit and miss for me, and by the way the chewable tablets are actually the devil incarnate and I hate them. I have tasted vanilla in my life and that isn’t it. 

I chose this diet because my boyfriend does fasting as his preferred diet method, and while I wish I could fast all day, my job requires me to have energy and I am not a happy hungry lady. I intend to do OMAD long term, but may change it up slightly if I start to struggle when I get back to work. 

It should also be noted that I seriously do not recommend this diet to anyone who struggles with disordered eating (me), depression (me), anxiety (me), obesity (me), anyone who has an affliction that would make it safer for them to consume more than one meal a day (me), and people who have medications they need to take with food (me). This diet is not recommended by doctors for long term weight loss, my endocrinologist was frankly a bit shocked when I told her, and it can cause a host of problems included but not limited to:

- triggering of eating disorders

- lack of protein 

- excess of carbs

- diarrhea (thanks, really needed more of that)

- nausea

- dizziness

- weakness

- extreme fatigue

So let me go ahead here and describe a little bit about my health issues, namely my PCOS, or polycystic ovarian syndrome. PCOS is a hormonal disorder. It can cause increased levels of androgen in the body, increased hair, insulin resistance, excessive hair growth, male pattern baldness, weight gain, irregular periods, fertility problems, increase risk of developing type 2 diabetes, increase risk of high blood pressure and high cholesterol, acne and oily skin, depression, and sleep apnea, as well as increase the risk for endometrial cancers, and obviously, cause ovarian cysts. This disorder can be passed from mother to daughter, and I got it from my mom. I have been suffering with this for years.

The biggest effects on my body have been my weight, my depression, irregular periods and cysts. I currently have an IUD in place to help with the symptoms, but my periods are not even close to regular and are often brown in colour. Before hormonal birth control, I would have 2-3 periods per year that lasted about a month at a time. These periods were heavy and excruciatingly painful, and the clots I birthed were like jellyfish. I often lost enough blood to become anemic. 

It should be noted that my PCOS has caused me to be resistant to insulin, and that can make it hard to lose weight and also cause some brown discolouration on the skin, which I have had on my chest and neck. I remember my mom used to scrub at my neck thinking it was dirty when my neck first started becoming discoloured. 

I had my IUD placed in December of 2018, and the follow up ultrasound revealed a cyst on my right ovary that was 21cm x 21cm which required surgery. Due to that, a traumatic situation and my vegetarianism, I lost 30 pounds by March of 2019. 

I have also struggled most of my life with depression and anxiety and used food to cope. I am currently on medication for that. I also take Metformin to help with the effects of the PCOS.

Here I will give a short description on the areas of my body that bother me and what I would like to see improve. I will try to be objective about what I don’t like and I will be honest about the reasons I would like to improve. I will say now that many of these reasons are cosmetic and not necessarily health related.

Inner thighs: While my legs are one of my favourite parts of my body and are in general strong and shapely, my inner thighs have a pocket of fat near my pubic mound, and I can see it when I stand up or I can see it in the mirror from behind when I bend over. I am self conscious about this because I don’t like the way it looks/hangs, and it makes it hard to be present and immersed when I am having sex or see myself as attractive if I take a picture for my boyfriend. The goal for this area is to have less hang so I can feel more relaxed during sex and any time I bend over. I also don’t particularly enjoy the thigh holes in my jeans, or that I have trouble with any sort of thigh high sock rolling.

Pubic mound: I’m not even gonna bullshit here: I just want a normal looking vulva. That’s it. I want it to be easier to access my clit, I don’t want such a prominent camel toe when I wear pants, I’d like it to be easier for my boyfriend to go down on me. I have a nice inner vulva and I want the exterior to match. I also find it hard to shave the areas between my mound and my thigh, as holding it open is not easy. That groin area is also prone to skin yeast infections and pimples and blackheads, and while I admit that they are fun to pop, it would be nice if I did not have to deal with it. 

My stomach: My stomach hangs. Underneath of it is prone to those same pimples and skin yeast infections (canesten is really helpful for tinea cruris, by the way. Yeast infections are yeast infections.) and while I get some sick pops for r/popping, it isn’t attractive. My stomach is hairy and while that isn’t really totally weight related, it also isn’t cute. My belly button is often very hidden, and it would be nice to get down to a size that I could get it pierced like my mom has. The rolls of my stomach get pimples and the red marks from sitting all day are not cute and can get painful. I have the muffin top when I wear jeans, and while the look of my stomach in jeans is less than sexy, it actually doesn’t bother me all that much.I have trouble keeping up panties that are both too tight or too loose, and tights are always rolling down. If it doesn’t hit just above my waist while still being slightly tight, it isn’t even worth trying to wear at all. All my jeans and leggings are high-waisted, and a lot of them roll when I sit or bend over. As a nanny, that is a really big inconvenience, and I would like to be able to exist for an hour without having to pull up my goddamn pants/leggings/underwear/tights. God forbid I put on a garter belt. Clothes that are flattering are hard for find for obese women. I just want to wear pretty clothes and feel like a person. When I sit with my knees up, my stomach is Very Present, and I can feel it against my thighs and trying to press through the gap in the middle. It would be nice to not feel that way, and I hope that I can achieve a stomach that does not hang.

Rolls under breasts: These are real sons of bitches. Hot, hairy, red, pimply. The heat rash is real. About half to 3/4 the size of my actual breasts. They make finding a comfortable bra difficult, and I would be really happy if they got even half the size they are now. 

Breasts: I don’t necessarily have a weight issue with my tibblies, but they are underdeveloped underneath and I don’t really like the shape of them so much. I am on the waiting list to see a plastic surgeon about my options. There are certain things about my chest that I don’t like that are the fault of obesity however, like the dark marks on my chest because of resistance to insulin, but I will get more into that in a bit. I also don’t love boobne, but hey, acne, amirite ladies? 

My chin/neck situation: My ‘waddle’, as I so hatefully refer to it, is my least favourite part of my body. This makes me so upset. I think this is the only part of my body that I truly genuinely hate. If I could duct tape it back so I could look normal, I would. I often look at plus size and fat and obese women and think why do they have chins and necks that are ‘normal’ but not me? (spoilers: the answer is morbid obesity.) I would like to be able to wear a choker comfortably and without it being hidden by my neck. It is very hard to pop waddle pimples. I do have the insulin marks on my neck, and a dowager’s hump, which makes me feel weird if I look at it too long. I don’t like when it sticks out of my clothing, and it feels odd to look at it with a necklace on, or a choker or collar or anything like that.

My back rolls: You hate to see it, and it makes finding a bra in my size a pain. It is hard to hide them, and anything that is fitted to the boobs and then flares can exaggerate the look of them. I don’t look at them too often so it doesn’t always bother me, but they can be a pain with certain clothes. It also makes some clothes tight and restricting in a way they normally wouldn’t, like dresses or shirts that zip. Highly unpleasant, and I would like to have smoother back for cosmetic reasons. 

The back of my head: I shave the underneath of my head. I’ve had my entire head shaven before, I’ve had just the sides shaven. It would be nice to get to a place where there wasn’t a roll at the back of my head. It would also be nice if my brother hadn’t swiped a card through it, but only one of those things is achievable. 

My arms: I have pretty strong arms, my job requires lifting and I’ve never shied away from taking all the groceries in one trip. My arms are large but not huge. I would be happy with a little reduction in the ‘wing’ area and I would like to see my upper arms a little more streamlined when fully extended. I genuinely do have big bones, but it would be nice to be able to wear my bracelets more comfortably. 

My hands: For the longest time I have been upset about the idea of ‘fat people hands’. I don’t have huge fingers, but it would be nice to fit rings on a little easier. I have large hands, because I am a tall woman, but not really fat or chubby hands like one might think of when thinking of fat people hands. My knuckles are fairly well defined, though they have dimples when my hands are flat, and have had since I was little. I think they are cute to be honest. I do not have discolouration on my fingers or knuckles.

My face: I don’t have a ton of fat on my cheeks actually. I do have a round face, but I have dimple-like indentations under my cheekbones that clearly define them. It would be nice to be a slightly slimmer face and defined jawline - any attempt at a contour is just awful. I would like to have a less prominent chin and cheeks. 

So let’s talk for a bit about long term goals. I am trying to set goals for myself in chunks. I know that aiming to lose 100 pounds the first go around is highly unlikely to get me any sort of success and I know that breaking it up into smaller bits is less overwhelming and more motivating. I am seriously trying to be careful about rewarding myself with any kind of food. 

Realistically, I would like to see myself get into the ‘normal’ BMI range by this time next year. I also know that to do that, I would need to lose around 170 pounds. With OMAD, you can expect to lose between half a pound and one pound a day. I do not see myself losing 170 pounds in 170 days. I do not think it is healthy to lose that much in under 6 months, and I don’t think my skin would appreciate it either, nor do I think OMAD is sustainable for that long. The idea is to try and hold out with OMAD for about 3 and a half months, and in that time, with upkeep, exercise and discipline, I could lose around 100 pounds, but I think the responsible thing would be to hope for closer to 75 pounds. 

I would like to outline my goals here:

Current Goal: 300 pounds - 33 pounds lost - 41.8 BMI

Second Goal: 270 pounds - 63 pounds lost - 37.7 BMI

Third Goal: 240 - 93 pounds lost - 33.5 BMI

Fourth Goal: 210 - 123 pounds lost - 29.3 BMI

Fifth Goal: 180 - 153 pounds lost - 25.1 BMI

Final Goal: 160 - 173 pounds lost - 22.3 BMI

Knowing how much one can lose in x amount of time with OMAD, and assuming I kept with it for a year, it could take anywhere from 173 days to 346 days to reach my final goal. I know that I won’t lose the same amount every day, and I know that it will be hard to keep it off once I reach my goal. 

I also know that I will need to take vitamins and supplements to make sure I don’t lose anything during this time. 

I am trying not to set deadlines for when I would like to reach my goals, though ideally I would be losing about 20 pounds a month. There are some important dates that I am hoping to have lost a certain amount for, however, and based on how much I might expect to lose and some basic math, I have deemed it pretty feasible to do.

I return to work around July 6th. It is currently May 30th. In 37 days I am hoping to have reached my first goal of 33 pounds lost. I lost 4 pounds in 3 days, and I hope to keep up that pace. 

The other date that I am hoping to have lost weight for is my birthday, which is August 31st. In 93 days I am hoping to have met my second goal of 63 pounds lost. I am turning 19 and very excited to celebrate.

For a little in-depth at what I am doing as far as my meal, I am eating a normal supper for me, a snack and a dessert. I am not counting calories. I’ll give some examples of what I have eaten at this time.

Day 1: Gnocchi bake with chicken, gummies, a chocolate bar, a little bit of bread and an iced tea. I made the bake with a package of sundried tomato gnocchi, one chicken breast, an olivieri package of rose sauce, like 2-3 tablespoons of herb and garlic cream cheese and onion. It was so good.

Day 2: I had the 4 bites of leftovers and some cheese bread, an iced tea, chicken strips, fries, a bite of fish, and some coleslaw. This day I felt sort of weak in the evening and so I had a fried egg sandwich with a cheese slice, mustard and mayo.

Day 3: I GUZZLED water all day long, like 4-5 bottles of water. I had crackers, the middle of a cinnamon bun, chicken strips and fries again, coleslaw and then some cake (I was celebrating a family birthday). My pee has never been so clear, let me just tell you.

One of the good things about this diet is being able to have whatever I would like as my meal for the day. I am an excellent cook (friend, family, teacher, boyfriend’s family and boyfriend approved, being fat has helped me master the kitchen) and I love doing it, so I can really get creative with my meal.

I come from a diet family, and so I am definitely supported on this diet, and my boyfriend is doing it with me, because misery loves company. Overall, I do feel hungry, but I feel satisfied with what I am doing and I have a lot more will power than I thought I did before, so I am proud of myself in that regard.

During my fasts, I try to only consume water and black coffee, which I take iced so it doesn’t nerf me with the flavour. Chewing gum is also quite helpful. My eating period is between 7p-8p, or 7p-8:30p, but that may change overtime as my sleep and activity schedule changes in the coming months.

I do not make promises on diets as a rule, but because of the nature of this diet I have made myself a promise that I will listen to my body. If I need a meal, I will eat one. If what is best for me is splitting my eating hour into two 30 minute eating periods a day for energy, especially while I work, then that is what I will do. 

Like I said, the goal is to check in every day with what I ate, my general feelings and if I am changing anything, and then I will try to do a weigh in weekly, and every couple of weeks update any changes I notice in the areas I mentioned earlier that bother me as a fat person. 

‘Til next time,

H

[serenagaywaterford]

Cate fan here. Cate and Elise explained the focus on Sofie in The Guardian, and in the ABC article that asks "why is the cast so white" where they call Sofie as their "trojan horse". We fully trust Cate in handling this passion project, especially as she and Andrew, her husband, have experience with working on issues concerning refugees. This series also has the support of Rau's sister and the UNHCR. I believe they picked the best of all approaches given this project's long development period.

Good for you. “We fully trust”??? Wtf dude. Who’s “we”? Some Blanchett hivemind?Glad you PERSONALLY fully trust some actor you don’t even know (who names her son after a convicted paedophile, or just jokes about it. *shrug*). I don’t. Nor should I have to.

Why do I get messages like this every fucking time I post my own stupid opinions on this show?

Look, I am not a Cate Blanchett stan. And I especially don’t think everything any actor does is immediately blessed by God and can never, ever be criticized or have weaknesses. I literally said I am going to be patient and see how this show turns out. And me saying Sofie’s story is the least interesting is ONCE AGAIN not stating it is shit and should be erased! You people take everything so black and white. 

Here is a lesson for fans: not everything is an “all or nothing” situation. When I say Yvonne isn’t a great dancer, I am not saying she is fucking terrible and should never dance–which seems to be exactly what the lot of you heard last week based on the responses I got. I just said she isn’t the best ever at something that isn’t even her fucking job! FFS. I love Yvonne as an actress and think she’s absolutely fantastic, in Stateless and other shows. But that doesn’t mean I have to say she’s fucking fantastic at absolutely everything ever or else I lose my “cool fan” points. I don’t give a flying fuck what other people think about how much of a “true fan” I am.This week I say Sofie’s story is the least engaging and I get this random shit about how great Cate Blanchett is(?) and how Sofie is some “Trojan horse”. That doesn’t even make sense!!! Have any of you (them) actually read the Iliad? Being a Trojan horse isn’t a GOOD thing. Unless I guess you’re Achilles, lol. Generally speaking, it’s this: “Something that initially seems innocuous but is ultimately bad or malicious.” Maybe be more careful with words, lmao. I think maybe they meant “conduit”, or something similar. Unless they are actually insinuating that Sofie makes everything way worse for the detainees and is part of the problem. No, they mean she’s a trigger for recognition that something is very wrong in these places and she “brings down” the system–which is all idealistic, revisionist bullshit. Cos while Rau’s story made some big waves, it didn’t stop anything. Sure, SHE got out and so did the Palmer report, which changed some aspects of detention, esp for Australian citizens... And it unearthed like 200 other cases similarly brutal, like Vivian Solon. 

“In politics, the precise relationship between cause and effect is usually unclear. Some of the things that happened in the six months following the release of Cornelia Rau would certainly have happened anyway. Some, most likely, would not. What is clear, however, is that the case of Cornelia Rau shaped public opinion about the treatment of asylum seekers in a way no previous episode had. The Cornelia Rau affair taught the public that the lazy trust it had placed in government – not to inflict on innocents serious harm – was unwarranted. It was able to do this, as almost everyone immediately understood, because the person who had suffered false imprisonment and neglect was not a swarthy, dark-skinned, Islamic outsider. She was “one of us”. If, in February 2005, it had been discovered that a mentally ill Australian woman of Iranian descent had been wrongfully imprisoned, the transformative effect on public opinion would almost certainly have been immeasurably less.”

But activists and doctors are STILL fighting the Australian government over conditions and the mental health concerns of current detainees. Which is what I assume Blanchett and co. are trying to inspire reaction to? Which is a good thing and absolutely nobody is saying it’s not. I am not saying: “Sofie fucking sucks! This whole show is garbage and doesn’t have any compassion for the refugee crisis! Kill her off and just focus on everyone else!” I am saying, of all the stories, hers is the least interesting and the least relevant to the issue of detention camps at this moment (in the show, in history). Obviously. I don’t even understand why this opinion bothers people??? Like, it’s just objectively true that it’s the least relevant to the real crisis and plight of actual refugees jailed in these prisons for years on end. The Rau case happened 15 YEARS AGO. The problem right now is not what happened to her, it’s what’s continuing to happen in other centers--currently.And if you want to talk seriously about mental health issues of detainees in a fictional sense, using a character who IS ALREADY MENTALLY ILL to highlight how these refugees end up suffering serious, chronic, and sometimes fatal mental illnesses is not the best way to do it. Like, jfc, it’s just… okay, I will need 50 pages to explain why this is not the best approach if you really want to talk about mental health in detention centres. You can’t use a rich white girl who had a devastating pre-existing illness that caused her to BE THERE IN THE FIRST PLACE as your mascot for “Look, how terrible this place is! Everyone goes crazy!” She was already fucked up, she was already so, so, so vulnerable, and this made it a million times worse. The stories that are important are the healthy, perfectly capable refugees from war-torn countries that end up there for NO reason and gradually through constant imprisonment, abuse, neglect, isolation, lack of privacy, and stress DEVELOP illness, and it goes unnoticed and untreated until you have a prison full of broken people, especially children who are trying to kill themselves. And a lot of this is due to the guards and government employees who are actively awful, or merely wilfully blind.

So, excuse me, for stating that SOFIE isn’t the most important character to focus on, or the most interesting. All Sofie’s story does is highlight how oblivious the guards/officials/etc is to the mental welfare of their prisoners, and the inherent problems with the system. Which, yes, is important to a degree but if you can’t get people to care about refugees without insisting the story revolve around a white person… I just… I dunno what to tell you.

Oh, wait, am I stepping on the precious toes of Cate and Yvonne stans? Whatever. Boo hoo. I don’t care. If you’re gonna make a show about such serious issues (including the portrayal of mental illness based on someone’s ACTUAL LIFE!!!), be prepared for people to get critical about the lack of nuance and sensitivity, and the use of TV tropes. And how fucking WHITE-FOCUSED it is. Because, guess what–if it wasn’t and if Cate/Yvonne/Jai/Asher wasn’t in it–you all wouldn’t even be watching this. How about we all just admit that? It has so much attention not because of the story or the issues (that I assume Blanchett wanted to address), but because of the cast and the focus on the white people.

I do not care how much a massively privileged, white, Hollywood star has worked with refugees. That doesn’t absolve them from having bias, making poor decisions, or falling prey to tropes in their film-making. They are HUMAN BEINGS, an especially human beings that live in a very strange otherword of celebrity, constant validation, narcissism, and money. So much money. They can seem like the most grounded people ever but they are not. Anybody who’s spent even 10 minutes in Hollywood knows this. It’s a thick BUBBLE completely detached from the real world we all live in. So, quit acting like these ACTORS are suddenly experts on foreign policy, immigration, governmental processes, politics, law, sociology, economics, mental health, and whatever else. Especially not bigger experts than critics who have spent their whole lives involved in these issues. (I’m not talking about me. I’m a biologist lol.) She is producing a FICTIONAL TV SHOW to raise… awareness? I guess? To me, as of right now, it’s just using “Sofie’s” real story and vaguely touching on some of the issues. And without all that much depth either. Yet.And pardon me if I don’t really care for Rau’s SISTER’S support of the show. It’s not her sister’s story to tell. Sorry. This is about Cornelia herself. (Yes, I have read Rau’s article.) And OF COURSE the UNHCR is supportive. They are supportive of anything that helps raise awareness in a positive way. And, PLEASE NOTE: I once again never said this was a shit show that needs to be cancelled cos it sucks so bad. It does serve a purpose but I have issues with the NARRATIVE STYLE AND DECISIONS they’re making in order to do that. It has nothing to do with the actual issues.Yet. Like, I’ve said a million times and nobody seems to hear, YET. It’s only 2 episodes in and it has plenty of time to get really into the deep issues. They’ve only just brushed over them right now, so I’m happily waiting for the big pay off.

But let’s not all act like this is the first ever attempt to bring awareness of this humanitarian crisis to mainstream Australians and Blanchett is some sort of national refugee activist hero. Like I’ve said before Safe Harbour (in terms of (sometimes soapy) fiction) and Chasing Asylum (in terms of documentary) and even Go Back To Where You Came From (lol reality tv) have all attempted this, and with some stellar results. Go watch any of those and tell me what Stateless is doing that is so amazingly unique and affective. Stateless is just bringing big Hollywood names to the issue, and trying to bring awareness. AND, amazingly, guess what! It doesn’t even have to be a GOOD show to do that. It can be mediocre and still reach the people Blanchett & Co. clearly want to reach and get people thinking. That isn’t necessarily a bad thing. And me criticising little bits of the programme (like Yvonne’s dancing/accent/choice to have her speaking English all the time, or the lack of focus on actual refugee stories, ffs) is not me saying the whole thing is boring, useless garbage and a waste of time. So, y’all need to hop off my dick for two seconds and not just assume that me talking about my opinion of its small weaknesses is saying I hope your faves choke. Gimme a break. And just in case you all are still pissed off about my complaints that Sofie’s story isn’t the most important focus ever, I’ll just dump a few links here:

‘Begging to die’: succession of critically ill children moved off Nauru

Australia: Reverse Cruel Refugee Policy

'Australia is a bigger cage’: the ongoing trauma of Nauru’s child refugees

How Australia turned its back on the world’s refugee crisis

Mental health crisis in Australia’s refugee camps

The mental health of asylum seekers in Australia and the role of psychiatrists

Christmas Island detention centre’s conditions stoke tension, detainee says

Australia blocks asylum seekers held offshore from seeking medical care in the country

Nauru: MSF report shows disastrous mental health impact of Australian refugee policy

‘Someone needs to say, enough’: Mental health on Manus Island

Nauru asylum seekers’ mental health as bad as torture victims, doctors say

Nauru detention centre: Abuse and trauma reports leaked

Australia’s man-made crisis on Nauru: Breaking Women

The Nauru files: cache of 2,000 leaked reports reveal scale of abuse of children in Australian offshore detention

Australia: Appalling Abuse, Neglect of Refugees on Nauru

Australia to reopen Christmas Island detention center after defeat on refugee policy

UN body says Australia breached human rights laws and needs to review Migration Act

And yes, most of these are offshore centres (some of which have effectively closed now), but it’s not even counting the ones actually in Australia itself, many of which are still operational: List of Australian immigration detention facilities

And yeah… The unknown story of Cornelia Rau. Just as a reality check of what Sofie’s story is meant to be. It’s absolutely horrifying, devastating and incredibly sad, and not something to be glamourised or sensationalised for woke points. 

So, sorry (NOT SORRY) for saying Rau/Sofie’s story isn’t the most important part of this whole MASSIVELY COMPLEX thing, nor is it even close to the most interesting aspect of the crisis. I do get why they chose her story as a vehicle to unlock the issue for all the other white, middleclass Aussies (and others) watching but I still don’t think it’s the most interesting aspect of the SHOW. That’s all. I’m not saying it’s pointless to tell “Sofie’s” story, or that I don’t like it, or it’s entirely irrelevant. Just it’s not the most important thing to me.

I can’t believe I have to say this again but just so we are all on the same page:

I HAVE NO BIG PROBLEM WITH “STATELESS”. I DON’T HATE IT. IT IS A GOOD, WELL-ACTED, WELL-PRODUCED, ENGAGING, DECENT SHOW THAT IS ATTEMPTING TO TAKE ON A HUGE, COMPLEX ISSUE IN A VERY SHORT PERIOD OF TIME. I THINK IT’S ADMIRABLE THAT EVEN MORE ATTENTION IS TRYING TO BE BROUGHT TO THE ISSUE AND GOOD FOR BLANCHETT FOR PUSHING FOR IT. I JUST WANT MORE FOCUS ON THE RELEVANT ISSUES TO THIS TIME PERIOD.

What’s the point in raising awareness and putting heavy focus on something awful that happened 15 years ago and has been resolved (more or less, cos nothing is ever totally resolved in politics)? Let’s focus on the terrible shit that hasn’t been resolved yet. Acting like Sofie’s story would happen today is just so far from reality when you are aware of all the changes made and results of the Rau situation. Any criticisms I have of the show or its actors do not mean I hate the show and think it’s stupid and pointless. Just, if it was my show, I’d do it slightly differently. THAT’S ALL. But it’s not my show and I could never produce TV so don’t get all your knickers’ in a twist over my personal opinions about trivial shit. No need to come into my inbox on a weekly basis and try to school me about Yvonne, Cate, etc. I can have opinions on actors/TV shows, even if you think they’re stupid. If you think my opinions are wildly misinformed on politics/storytelling/etc, that's fair. Maybe they are. Tumblr is certainly not the best platform for me to lay out all my thoughts in a coherent way. But so far I don’t have anybody coming at me about the actual issues, just getting butthurt that I’m not kissing your fave’s ass. (Keep in mind, Yvonne is one of my fav actresses too. I’m just not insanely obsessed with her.)

God. I am turning off anon cos every week now I say anything even remotely, mildly critical of some minor aspect of Stateless I get bombarded with this kind of condescending shit from rabid stans of the actors. If you can’t put your name to it, I’m not interested in your thoughts anymore. Sorry. I’m tired. And my inbox is tired lol.

[myfandomrambles]

She-Ra Attachment Styles

Something I find interesting is that it’s pretty clear that both Adora and Catra struggle with Disorganized Attachment, but it presents pretty differently. 

Let's look at them based on the list of characteristics of DA from this article

Aggressive tendencies will sometimes occur: 

Catra shows more violence towards others I think this comes from her physical abuse being more profound seeing violence as being done to her so she turns this and acts out her abuse on others. 

For Adora violence tends to be more of a protective mechanism. Both for her emotional pain and as a literal defence against real or perceived threats. 

Altered pain tolerance:

This is a bit harder to say for sure, but they are willing to fight and don’t tend to stop even when they can. Taking and giving hits that show the most injuries in the story. 

Adora/She-Ra comes back from having her back slashed pretty easily.

Catra views the physical abuse Hordak puts on her as kind of a sick joke. 

Difficulties in their familial relationships outside of the family of origin: 

Catra shows this in a much stronger way not being able to form any stable relationship after Adora, even when Scorpia reaches out to her.

 Adora doesn’t show this as much befriending Glimmer and Bow pretty easily. However, we can see that she feels separated from her friends like when they try and make plans. 

Have an unstable self-identity: 

Adora bases her identity pretty heavily on having to be perfect and on being a hero, she struggles to be her own person. Adora feels like she isn’t her own separate from her history as being She-Ra.  This is understandable as she is treated as a possession by Shadow Weaver and has to be something other than just a person to the Rebellion. 

Catra often cycles between feeling like she is the most powerful, to feeling worthless, and basing who she is on how much power she has and in comparison to Shadow Weaver and Adora. 

Have hyperactive fawn and freeze responses:

We see a freeze response in catra even though she seems to act out we see this response in her dealing with Shadow Weaver and Hordak. 

Adora has a freeze response when overwhelmed with fighting Catra and with Light Hope when overwhelmed. 

Both show a fawn response to Shadow Weaver early on for Adora and into season two with Catra. An example is how quickly Catra falls back under her control. 

Lacks coping skills to deal with distress: 

Neither really talk through their distress or are able to self regulate. 

Adora shows she struggles with this, often bolting and running away from problems or trying to handle emotional stress as a strategic problem to use warfighting methods. Adora often has to be coxed into calming down. 

Catra tends to shut people out completely and even shut down internally. She acts out against others and even struggles when Scorpia tries to co-regulate with her.

Often suffer from mental health issues related to trauma (C-PTSD/PTSD) :

 Adora: 

Anxiety

Disrupted systems of meaning 

Flashbacks

Guilt

Hyperarousal

Identity issues

Idolization/devaluation of abusers

Panic attacks

Obsessive thoughts

Sleep Issues

Struggles to express and understand her emotions

Struggles with relationships

Catra: 

Abusers

Depression

Destructive behaviour 

Dissociation

Extreme emotional highs and lows

Flashbacks

Hyperarousal 

Irritability and restlessness

Isolation 

Panic attacks

Preoccupation with abusers

Preoccupation with revenge

Splitting 

Struggles with relationships

Suicide attempts

Trust Issues 

Poor self-esteem:

 We can see this pretty easily in reference to their identity issues.

Adora can’t even see herself as not guilty for all the worlds wrong till the end of season 3. How this declaration of not being at fault for Catra’s mistakes will apply to other events like with Mara and Angela’s death is yet to be seen. 

Catra pretty much explains herself as not good enough after Hordak throws her out. She is more willing to die and burn the world around her then to believe she can heal and be better. 

Severe hypervigilance: 

This can be seen in neither of them being able to calm down and seeing most everything as threats. 

Both literally jump at shadows and seem to be more on edge in comparison to friends being able to periodically sense danger others miss, a useful part of hypervigilance.

They both also have a heightened startle response to a big example of hypervigilance. 

Struggles with education and employment:

This is stronger with Catra but some signs are seen in both. 

Due to basing her worth on succeeding as much as possible Adora is hyperinvolved in her work which is a form of struggling even if it often allows her to due what is needed.

Catra is generally okay at her work when it comes to strategy. But anything that takes her having to concentrate and work in bounds like paperwork she freaks out. She also isn't good with playing politics in her looking for approval from Hordak or complete viewing it as bullshit. Her ned to rebel and force people away also gets in the way.

Unstable relationships:

With each other, they both have an obsessive mindset either getting each other back or pushing away as hard as they can. 

With catra this can also be seen with Scorpia and Entrapta in her switching back forth in rather she lets them in. 

Will deal with dissociative tendencies and/or dissociative disorders (DID/OSDD): 

We can see dissociation in Catra when she hears Adora mention shadow weaver changing side auditory and visual stimulation goes wonky and she seems to be in her own world. 

When Adora is scared and bolts you can see her world shrink around her and sometimes similar sound changes can be seen. There might be dissociative aspects in with panic attacks. 

Will often have had multiple traumatic experiences: 

They both continue to put themselves in dangerous situations.

Adora involves herself in war and violence immediately. 

Catra ends up under abusers’ thumbs chronically being hurt in similar ways to before. 

[toosmallinabigworld-blog]

Just What the Doctor Prescribed, Literally

I’ve been wanting to do something like this for a really long time and it means the world to me that so many of you have read the blog and been supportive. Hearing from everyone that read my last post confirmed for me that starting this blog was a good idea. I received a lot of compliments and anecdotes from people telling me that they appreciated my candor and willingness to talk about issues that they hadn’t heard talked about or weren’t able to talk about themselves. So, thank you for reading. I was struggling for a very long time with writer’s block, I would start something and then immediately criticize it and not know how to continue. It felt like I was running full force into a brick wall. I think that happened because I was trying to write fiction. When I was a kid and in middle school, I could write fiction like nobody’s business. Now, I realized that I struggle with fiction because I can’t relate to it anymore. I don’t want to write about made up characters that deal with real life scenarios. I want to write about real people that deal with real scenarios. So, let’s chat about a real life thing, shall we?

           Mental illness. It’s a phrase that people spit out of their mouths like it’s rotten. A phrase that makes people uneasy and nervous, ironically. The real life equivalent of saying Voldemort. This is a topic I’m nervous to discuss because it is incredibly personal to me. And I have reservations about talking about my experience with this due to the controversy surrounding it. But I feel that it is important to talk about, regardless of how weary it makes me. Mental illness is no joke and if talking about this could potentially help someone then feeling anxiety about this is worth it. According to The National Institute of Mental Health, in 2016 it was found that nearly 1 in every 5 adults in the U.S. lives with a mental illness. If you’re bad at math like I am, that’s 44.7 MILLION people. Almost 45 million people in the U.S. have a mental illness and yet we still treat those people that are afflicted like lepers. Like they are lesser human beings than us because of something that they can’t control. Now, not everyone who has a mental illness is treated like shit. Because some are more accepted than others and by accepted, I mean acknowledged. Such as ADD and ADHD. Those are illnesses that are more commonly accepted because they are less scary to think about. I don’t know anyone who has thrown a bitch fit over someone that has a hard time sitting still, concentrating and overlooking things. They’ve gotten frustrated but not immediately assumed that they were unstable and broken. Let’s face it those are the easiest to wrap the mind around. But when things start to get complicated is when people tend to start getting judgmental and scared and hateful. And hate stems from fear. I can’t remember where I heard that but it’s pretty damn accurate. For example, I’ve heard those who have Schizophrenia blatantly referred to as crazy. And why are they called crazy? Because of Schizophrenia’s most popularized symptoms, delusions and hallucinations. We’ve all heard tales of people seeing animals or people, hearing voices that tell them to do horrific things and those are legitimate things that happen. But those are all we hear about. And because we don’t necessarily understand why that happens, we get scared and demonize them. Which is bullshit. If we immediately got scared of everything we didn’t understand nobody would ever leave their houses. I don’t understand how concrete is made but that doesn’t mean that I don’t walk on the sidewalk or get in a car and drive on the street. I would venture to say that Schizophrenia is probably the most controversial of the mental illnesses, but it is not alone in illnesses that make people uncomfortable. Take OCD for example, people just think it’s obsessive organizing and that it is a choice, something they can just stop doing. But it is infinitely more complicated than that. It’s uncontrollable thoughts and actions that they feel they have to repeat over and over again. And in extreme cases, they think something bad is going to happen if they don’t carry out those behaviors. People’s reactions to those illnesses are what facilitate such negative thought processes about hyper common maladies such as depression and anxiety.

           Nothing pisses me off more than hearing someone say to a person with depression, just be happy. When you have clinical depression you don’t get to choose to “just be happy” because guess what? It isn’t that easy, it’s out of your control entirely. Clinical depression is a chemical imbalance in the brain. The brain isn’t producing enough serotonin, norepinephrine, and dopamine neurotransmitters. Causing feelings of sadness, hopelessness, lack of interest/motivation, guilt, low energy, etc. I could go on for pages and pages but at the risk of sounding like a commercial for an antidepressant I’ll stop. I think you get the point. I am one of those people who has been told to “just be happy”. I was diagnosed with depression coupled with seasonal affective disorder, anxiety, insomnia, and OCD like repetitive thoughts when I was in 6th grade. As if being 11 and in middle school wasn’t hard enough, let’s throw a mood disorder in the mix, that should be fine. Right? Wrong. Being told you have a mental illness is like waking up one morning and realizing you have a tattoo that you’ve never seen before. You don’t know how you got it, you’re scared that it’s there in the first place, anxious about what other people are going to think about it, it will never go away, and all you can do is take care of it and hope that it doesn’t get infected and fuck up everything else in your life. Depression can be immensely polarizing. I’ve heard a million and one people say that it gets better, but when your brain isn’t doing its job, it inadvertently convinces you that you are utterly and inconceivably alone. And it’s not a constant feeling either. It comes in waves, sometimes I can go for days without feeling like complete ass and sometimes I can go for days feeling like a dead slug. It’s not something you can predict. And it’s a difficult hole to try and dig yourself out of when you find yourself there. Now depression, just like people comes in all shapes and sizes. And most people’s experiences with it don’t mirror each other, and it’s that lack of sameness that breeds the loneliness that is so common in depressed people. I know all too well about that feeling of loneliness. I’m going to take you on a journey through what a bad day looks like for me, which will be really easy to do since I’m having a bad day today. When I wake up I don’t usually know right away that my brain has hit the off switch on functioning. The first indicator is this ever present feeling of heaviness. Like someone dipped my whole body in molasses. Getting out of bed is physically difficult and I don’t even want to. Because even something simple like walking is just fucking hard. My body aches and I feel like a zombie and in reality I probably look like one too. Next on the shit list is the mental fog. And it genuinely feels exactly like it sounds. I can’t think clearly or focus on things that aren’t generally mindless and easy. I isolate myself and even though I’m feeling lonely and sad, I don’t want to be around other people. And I have no desire to eat, I just lose my appetite all together.

           Anxiety does the same thing. I’ve been anxious, worried, and habitually stressed out for as long as I can remember. I’ve had teachers, friends, previous therapists, and even my parents call me a worrier. Which couldn’t be more accurate. I have a terrible habit of worrying about other people so much that I start to take on their problems. Stressing about my dad not having a girlfriend and hoping that he doesn’t end up dying alone. Worrying about my mom every time she gets sick, even if it’s just a cold. Taking on issues my friends are having with their families and trying to use my knowledge from many years of therapy to help them overcome their problems. Worrying and stressing that much can lead to panic. I remember the first time I had a panic attack, it was freshman year and I was in my 6th period Spanish class. Describing what a panic attack feels like is akin to trying to explain what the color red looks like. Especially because it’s subjective, no two people have the same experience. But because it’s important I’m going to do my best to explain. It feels like the world is crashing down on me for no particular reason. It’s terrifying. It legitimately feels like my skin is turning inside out. I get shaky, sweat like a whore in church, scared. It feels like I’m trapped in my own body and all I want to do is run away and hide. From myself. Panic attacks are something I still struggle with. They’ve decreased in prevalence since I found a medication regiment that works for me but even that doesn’t eradicate them completely. Most of the time I have no warning as to when one is going to happen. But there are some specific triggers, for example when I hear an unexpected loud bang or noise. I have PTSD and that sound sets off a fire in my brain that causes me to panic. Or when my stress level gets too high and I get overwhelmed. My mind doesn’t know whether to fight or flee so it gets stuck in the middle and I shut down. There is nothing that I know of that compares to that feeling. And when it’s over I’m left exhausted and weak. It fucking sucks. There’s no other way to say it. It fucking sucks.

           When I was first diagnosed, I was paralyzed at the thought of telling anyone that I have d&a (depression and anxiety, it’s getting annoying writing out the entire words). I was scared of being judged by my peers, and looked at like a freak, like I was different; even more different than I already felt. I didn’t want to get bitched at by everyone for being the emotionally broken girl, which is what I thought I was. I remember my first appointment with my psychiatrist, I was scared. I was adamant about not wanting to go on medication, but my parents thought otherwise. Which wasn’t a bad thing. In reality going on medication was the best thing that could have happened. Because I don’t know where I would be without it. I’ve had the discussion with multiple people about how I shouldn’t need to be on medication anymore. That I should be able to just learn how to deal with my depression and move on. But it isn’t that simple. Like I said before, depression is a chemical imbalance in the brain. The medication helps rebalance me. But it isn’t an exact science. Since 6th grade I have been on 8 different medications, some of which I still take. Why so many you ask? It comes back to it not being an exact science. Sometimes the medication will work for a while and then just stop. Which, speaking from personal experience, is a bitch and a half. It’s so aggravating when you can feel that something isn’t right but should be. That being said, finding the right medication, or medications in my case can be immensely helpful. I’ve gone from regular panic attacks and depression so bad that you can’t complete simple tasks to what I refer to as, being at ground zero. Ground zero is a great place to be, no extreme highs and the absolute lowest of lows. Just level. There is no joy in the world that can compare to finally feeling normal when you’re used to feeling like your emotions are exploding.  

           I have been really lucky to have a family who completely supports me and is always there when I need them. And they understand when I’m having a shitty day and what that means. I have been spectacularly lucky to have that. Others have not been so lucky. And that breaks my heart. Nobody deserves to be looked down upon for something that they can’t control. It’s like getting mad at someone for the color of their eyes. They didn’t choose the color, genetics gave them that color. So, who are we to judge them for that? This post is jam packed with facts and personal testimonials and if you gain anything at all from it, I hope you gain some understanding and empathy. That the next time you see someone on the street talking to themselves or one of your friends is really sad or stressed out for no obvious reason. Don’t judge. Try to understand. Try and wrap your mind around the concept that their brain is, for lack of a better phrase, rebelling against them. You don’t choose to have a mental illness, just like you don’t choose to have legs. It’s what life has bestowed upon you. So, I challenge you to try and change your frame of mind, you may find it enlightening.  

[ardenttheories]

Knight of Mind

Knights are forever an interesting class, and shall forever prove to be an enigma in the context of their True selves. The Mind aspect in conjunction with it, however, presents something of a conundrum for both the Failed and True subcategories. 

This is a specific request from @wildlyclasspecting - and also presents itself as a note that people are allowed to request analyses like these!

True Knight of Mind

Main Analysis 

True Knights of Mind are somewhat tricksters. Their facade is something they can use to manipulate others to gain a specific desire, often through tricking others into doubting their intellect. 

As a passive effect of their existence, this is something that they do not actively enforce into a specific use; instead, they are likely to be seen by others as completely incompetent, perhaps a bit idiotic, when in truth they are incredibly mentally adept. 

While this may be good in most cases, as they can easily hide when issues they do not want to take part in arise, and are able to manipulate a situation through the mentalities of the participants, it can become an issue once they decide they must take action; people are likely to invalidate their opinions, or speak down on them for attempting to put forward a rational idea. 

They are unbiased to a fault, often forgetting the emotions of others when bringing forth a plan or logical conclusion, and often struggle with understanding why others may get upset with them for being so impersonal - which cycles back into their ideas often being ignored. 

Despite how mentally adept they are, capable of making decisions and exploiting how others think in order to obtain any outcome they desire, they will never be able to take credit for what they do; it will always be seen by others as the work of someone else, someone supposedly smarter. Due to their natural leaning to being impartial, it may be hard to convince a True Knight of Mind to take a side, and even harder to bring them into a situation that requires solving, simply because they will see both sides and likely come to a completely different solution.  

Though they are the basest, most primal form of their aspect, they must still act within the laws of Mind. This means that, though they are likely able to convince a person of something - either by exploiting something they already believe or by exploiting information they have at hand to enforce a mentality within them - they will not be able to outright change a person’s mind if it goes entirely against their creed. Think of a True Knight of Mind as the soft of person who shows you misinformation, out of context screenshots, or simply plants a seed of doubt through a vague comment. If there is a potential for you to believe it, a Knight of Mind can exploit it - the only difference is that a True Knight of Mind cannot control when they do this, and perhaps even what effect this has if it is not intentional. 

Personality Analysis 

A True Knight of Mind suffers from the all encompassing hidden nature of their classpect, and may very often become bitter people as a result, fighting to be recognised for their ideas until such a point as they begin to question their own intellect. They are much more likely to be aggressive over the importance of their ideas, or of the stealing of ideas, even though they act so naturally within their classpect that it can be hard to notice that they are doing anything at all. In contrast, they may actively accept this role and act from the shadows, manipulating while being perfectly aware that they will never be caught. In this case, they are much more likely to wear their facade of ignorance to full effectiveness. 

Home Life Analysis 

Thus, they are more likely to be people who have been abused in the sense of ridicule; being told they are not smart enough and laughed at for their ideas and being pressured into being almost heartless in their rationality and logic as a result, hiding behind a facade of ignorance as an automatic defence mechanism - to the point that it seems to be their true self. Those around them have not allowed them the chance to prove otherwise, and thus it becomes all that they are. 

Realised Knight of Mind

Main Analysis 

Realised Knights of Mind are much more adept at controlling their abilities, and are much more likely to be recognised for their decisions as someone who is a worthwhile advisor. 

They are much more humble in their actions, perhaps even shy or embarrassed with their perception of their knowledge, but ultimately retain a much more personal touch to their logic. Unlike True Knights of Mind, Realised ones have honed their mental skills to such an extent that they are able to make the perfect unbiased decisions without losing the human touch required to ensure their advice is listened to. 

They allow their inner self to crack through the facade Knights traditionally hide behind, allowing themselves to be intellectual, to participate in debates and take an active role in arguments, all in a way which is positively received by others.They are the person whom friends are likely to rely on for good advice, or perhaps are the first to attempt to manipulate a friend into recognising their mistakes/decisions for a greater good. If they are aware someone will make a very poor decision, a Realised Knight of Mind will attempt to simply change their mind over it using logic they know will appeal to that exact person. 

In this sense, their abilities are much more refined, and with their logical outlook they are significantly more likely to find healthy ways of ending conflict or the negative mindsets of others. Though they remain impartial - something which perhaps makes them significantly good judges, capable of looking at all the evidence before them and coming to an informed decision - they are much more adept at using this mindset to enhance their decisions. Emotion does not sully their decisions, but they are not heartless in their judgement, either. Once a Realised Knight of Mind has made a decision, it is hard to ignore the logic within. 

Personality Analysis 

They have the most understanding of the laws of Mind, exploiting them typically for the good of their friends. If they are aware a friend has taken on a toxic or negative mentality, they will do everything within their power to exploit the friend’s own logic to ensure a more stable mental state and sounder logic. They are also more likely to use the plans of their friends to a significant benefit; for instance, by exploiting the brash nature of a friend to lead the others somewhere important. They are more likely to be rational and calm people, though perhaps tend towards a “no bullshit” attitude due to their still somewhat impersonal/indifferent approach to decision making. 

Home Life Analysis 

Thus, they are most likely to be people who have begun to accept that their ideas and decisions have value. They have shed their facade, likely by warrant of friends who have helped open them from their shell, and are active in decision making, planning, and general advice. They assist their friends to shift negative mental states or to change plans minutely to find a better end. While they may remain a touch impersonal, and may even have something of a justice complex, they are significantly more involved with the personal welbeing of friends, attempting all they can in order to save a friend before settling on a route of justice if all else fails. Following the self-sacrificing nature of the class, they are more likely to sacrifice their own mental welbeing to ensure the health of others, but are also more aware of when to stop, take a step back, and let themselves recover before continuing to help. 

Failed Knight of Mind

Main Analysis 

A Failed Knight of Mind’s impartiality will neither seem like the heartless logic of a True Knight of Mind nor the sound judgement of a Realised Knight of Mind; instead, it will take the form of idleness, the inability or lack of desire to take an active part in an argument or of logical decision making. 

They hide within themselves and hope that most arguments will settle themselves, feeling that they are not capable enough to handle the situation. Regardless of what is said to them or what they prove of themselves, they will never feel confident enough to take an active role within their classpect, and instead will stand to the side, helpless, both knowing what they should do or what would help but being utterly unable to do or say it. 

They sink themselves wholeheartedly into their facade instead; unlike the True Knight of Mind, whom suffers from their facade despite their own attempts to prove otherwise, a Failed Knight of Mind will take genuine relief in their facade of ignorant, and that perception when people hold it of them. They do not attempt to show their intellectual prowess, nor do they continue to sharpen their mental skills for any sort of benefit; they simply allow themselves to stagnate, and keep all that they are capable of fiercely hidden away - perhaps even to the point of convincing themselves that they are not capable of anything at all. 

Regardless of what they consider moral or right, they will do little to argue their way, instead dubiously following along or reacting in the way which their facade dictates.

Their ability to exploit Mind is therefore incredibly stunted. If they even attempt it at all, they are more than likely to be questioned on their reason for caring, or more easily caught onto. They struggle to remain unbiased, the opinions of their facade getting in the way of their logical decisions, and thus tend to suffer from weaker abilities overall due to the conflicting mindsets. In essence, they become rather weak players, suffering under their own self doubt to the point of neglecting their abilities entirely. 

Personality Analysis 

They are very conflicted people. Their facade becomes all that they are, a protective shield that seems too much like their real self to those who do not fully understand them. It can make them seem fickle, flippant, cowardly; constantly changing their mind yet never truly having decided on one side in the first place. They are easy to manipulate, and even more easy to overpower. Their ignorance is their bliss, regardless of what they truly see; they would rather pretend an event never happened than have to face the consequences for it, or for their idleness.  

Home Life Analysis 

Thus, they are likely people who have neither attempted to come out of their shell (or perhaps have not been encouraged/felt safe enough to) nor have embraced their aspect to a deep enough degree to embody it entirely. They struggle somewhere in the middle, in a safe ground which needs neither effort nor overt suffering, and remain utterly stagnant. They are likely often looked over in decision making, or in debates, as people will assume that they will want no part of it, despite how much better they may be at it than others. They never reveal who they truly are, and instead make a significant effort to keep it hidden  - or perhaps are simply so used to hiding that they make no effort to stop. They are unassuming people, and very weak in presence, going along with the decisions of others and not voicing if they do or do not agree with it (at least, not in a way that their facade would not). 

[marfian]

A lot of shit about what went down in Argentina. REALLY IT’S A LOT.

Yesterday I didn’t go to the protest because I couldn’t but I followed the debate as much as possible and didn’t go to sleep until I saw the voting. Here are some atrocious things not only I but everyone in Argentina had to cope with, stuff that was said by our REPRESENTATIVES (I can’t stress that enough):

“(...) They talk about solving the abortion issue with a legalised and sure (meaning safe) abortion, yeah surely a kid dies, I have no doubts of that. And we are possibly risking the mother’s life. Free? There’s nothing free in this world, Mr. President. Are we going to ask the Fund (meaning the International Monetary Fund) to lend us money to pay for those abortions? I’m here asking for a graveyard for those kids who weren’t able to be born, victims of abortions. In every church, catholic, jew, whatever, in none of those, I think, it says that it’s allowed to kill your child to be born. I respect women’s freedom, not a single woman missing/dead (referring to NI UNA MENOS a movement to fight for women who die due to different type violence, like domestic violence for instance), and surely in every abortion either a boy or a girl dies. A girl too! Aren’t feminists supposed to protect other women? Don’t forget about the father, because curiously when you need the money you remember the father, but when you want to kill the baby you forget about him. (...) (yeah, a representative SAID THAT. Also, this same man was interviewed saying that if he was elected president he would make capital punishment a law. So apparently, not all lives matter to this pro-life people, interesting.)

“(...) The only thing sure (meaning safe) about abortions is that they don’t exist, they are an overreaction like marketing, they don’t happen.(...) (Yeah, I mean if you think about it there are no statistics measuring the amount of women who die in clandestine abortions but that’s why THEY ARE FUCKING CLANDESTINE YOU CANNOT MEASURE THAT)

“(...) Because I want poor kids to continue to be born. I want kids with dysabilities to continue to be born. (...)” (Apparently, this woman thinks abortions are done to prevent poor kids/dysabled kids from being born, not because of rapes or undesired pregnancies even after you took all the precautions)

“(...) I don’t know if you know how marsupials live and are born. They finish their growth outside their mother’s belly. They crawl and suck on their mother’s breasts for months until they are done with their growth. So I wonder, if we had the same system, and babies were to finish their development outside the belly, if they were 10 to 15 cm while sucking on the mother’s breasts when time for the abortion comes, I wonder would it be that easy to take them from there and throw them to a garbage can as some of you people here want to do? (...)” (Again comparing us with animals, don’t these people know there’s something called empathy and that’s the real difference between us humans and animals, THE EMPATHY TO DISAGREE WITH ABORTION AS AN ACT BUT VOTING IN FAVOUR OF THE LAW KNOWING THAT GIRLS WHO WANT TO DO IT WILL DO IT NONETHELESS, SO EVEN IF YOU DISAGREE THINK ABOUT THEM WHO DON’T WANT TO BE FORCED INTO MOTHERHOOD)

PERSONAL FAVOURITE: “(...) What happens when our little dog gets pregnant? We don’t go to a vet to get an abortion. We may regret what happened, oh such a problem, but we immediately go out to search for people to gift those puppies to, right? Check animals, see how they behave with their cubs, because even the worst predators love their cubs. If we were a little more like animals, then we wouldn’t kill our subs (I don’t even know where to begin with this one jfc) (...)”

“(...) They are asking for fourteen weeks (because the law draws the limit to fourteen weeks, before that you can get an abortion) and by then the kid already has eyes, nails, it sleeps with the mother. It has nails! It has genetic identity! Fourteen weeks in and the baby already moves! It drinks liquid from their mother’s uterus, it sleeps with the mother! It’s a child, it’s a human being! So the lack of a public health system leaves us without the woman, which I lament, but it also leaves us without that new possibility of life that just goes away in a waste bag! (...)” (so apparently a fetus has more right to decide over my body than myself because it has nails by the time fourteen weeks hit, interesting again)

“(...) A child that was conceived to be born, has to be born. When you want to replace an old plant, you take another one, a younger one and one it is done and it has grown enough next to the older one, you cut the older one (clearly referring to the mother and the “child”, since they literally said more than once that if one is to die, then so be it that the mother dies, they say they are pro-life, remember that) (...)” 

“(...) Children are like stars, there is no such thing as too many of them. (...)” (I swear to God, you have to listen to the speeches pro-abortion people made and then compare them with this cheap, out of a fortune cookie kind of bullshit -no disrespect to fortune cookies, I love them)

“(...) According to statistics, more women die due to automobile accidents, not abortions, (...)” (So it doesn’t matter, the lives of women who die in clandestine abortions don’t count because more women die in accidents, so I think some lives are more important than others to this pro-life people, interesting part 3)

“(...) This new law will allow women to have an abortion in whichever moment she wants, even 9 months later (LIE, the law only says fourteen weeks tops) This law will not only kill babies that are twelve weeks old, it will kill babies that are 9 months old. (...)” (Honey, babies, like real babies, were the ones the church helped the militars stole from their missing/tortured/murdered parents during the second dictatorship in Argentina, those were babies. Babies that were robbed of their identities by the same church you agree with and use as an excuse here, because this one is a catholic, she said it)

“(...) I wonder, how can we eliminate the first human type of organism when we try to save other species and plants, we invest a lot of money and study hours and energy. Trying to take care of the endangered species, and we are able to do it, we forget about ourselves. (...)” (what’s even your point like ??)

“(...) An international company very well known in USA called Planeta Parenthood,a doctor (she says the name but I won’t) admits that there they are very good at performing abortions while not touching any organs so they can get the liver, lungs or heart (of the fucking fetus, yes I know wtf). This is because they sell that and a fetus’ brain can be up to a hundred dollars, people pay for fetuses’ parts. This also happens in the UK, France -more particularly brain traffic happens there (I know right? fucking French people trafficking fetuses’ brains)- and it’s been brought to the law I have the documents here, I’ll show it later (needless to say, she never fucking did that). In Spain, Australia, so I wonder, what will be the fate of those fetuses? (...) (fucking europeans and americans, fucking with the fetuses and making money)

“(...) I can see many green handckerchiefs and I want to tell all of you that if your mother’s had had an abortion then some of the people sitting here wouldn’t have become representatives (...)” (this felt like the situation’s equivalent of a ‘yo momma’ joke, just saying)

Keep reading for my two cents here.

So, all in all, the law wasn’t approved and my wish for all this pro-life people is for them to succeed in their promises, promises they made yesterday while defending and justifying themselves. I wish for them to eliminate clandestine abortions completely, I wish for them to move their asses and to start a witch hunt. I wish for them to start hunting down clandestine places and penalising those doctors who make money practising illegal abortions with all the strength of the current law. I wish for them to volunteer themselves to work with the poor, people who have no resources or sex ed, people who don’t know of consent and people who suffer and end up dying because AGAIN the girl who has enough money, she does and lives, the most vulnerable parts of society, the ones who don’t, still do it anyway while knowing they are risking their lives. And most of them die because illegality never saved a single life. I want THE FUCKING CHURCH to help there as well, and I want them to apologise for years and years of covering paedophiles and for having blessed the guns with which militars killed thousands of Argentinian people during the dictatorship. I want them to correct themselves, I want them to stop being fucking hypocrites and admit that all lives were never the same to them. Because this same people later agree with capital punishment.

I want them to present another project with another law to erradicate abortions as a whole, a law that LIKE THE ONE THEY DISAGREED WITH includes three parts (because the law has three parts in which abortion is the last one). First one being “sex ed to decide” what to do with your body, when you decide to share it and with who; the other “contraceptives not to abort” so that you don’t get to actually go through an abortion, an experience both traumatic and undesirable; last one “legal abortion not to die” so that if it comes to the point you have to, then you can do it in a facility that allows you to do it safely and without risking your life.

But they won’t, they’ll forget while girls are still dying. However, I’m optimistic, I think the law will be approved eventually. Not yesterday, but it will happen. My thoughts though are others, I won’t forget. I won’t forget those representatives who justified themselves with beliefs that aren’t correct with reality, beliefs that make us go back a hundred years as a society. And my wish for society as a whole is for us not to forget as well, abortion exists, it’s a thing, it’s a terrible reality but that’s the worst thing about reality, whether you like it or not, it happens. We are left with a 1921 law that doesn’t penalise you in case of rape or risk (mental and physical), so if your contraceptives failed? OH FUCK YOU FOR BEING A WHORE AND A SLUT AND HAVING SEX WITH SOMEONE, because that’s what they say, that’s their opinion. They don’t want women to have rights over their own bodies because a fetus has more rights over my body than I do. I personally don’t want people like that to represent me and have a voice about the future of my country, a voice over my future, everyone’s future.

 “(...) Mr, President I don’t want to be part of a state that continues to ignore our women. I don’t want to look away. The law won’t force you to have an abortion, it will save the woman who decides to interrupt her pregnancy. If sexual education isn’t enough, if family planning isn’t enough, if free contraceptives isn’t enough, then I want us to have another option, I want that woman to have another option, the option to rely on the system without shame or guilt or social stigmatization. I want to help her, be next to her, listen to her, inform her about all the options she has. I want to explain to her the consequences of her decisions, I even want the chance to make her consider not to have an abortion. Today as everything is I don’t have that chance. Like I’ve said before, but I want to repeat it because I want my dreams to be known, my dreams for every woman in this country and for my daughters. From my heart, I mean it, I want for every woman in this country the same things I want for my daughters. I want them to fall in love, I want them to decide to create a family just like I decided to have my children, I want them to never have to make that choice (have an abortion). I honestly dream of that. This months have been very hard for me because I gave myself the oportunity to think and rethink and I say this from my heart, I sincerely do not wish for them to have to make that horrible decision of interrupting a pregnancy. But if they have to I want them to do it safely, accompained and helped in that horrible moment. I want them to live a life with no violence, a life without being discriminated, a life in equality, a life in which they can enjoy all their rights, and that’s why I’m here taking responsibility. I want to do my part. I don’t want to look away. I want to take resposibility here and now saying not one (woman) less. (...)”

Because motherhood will be desired, or it will not be.

[junker-town]

Terrell Lewis’ injury history shouldn’t overshadow his high ceiling with the Rams

Terrell Lewis is an exciting 2020 NFL Draft prospect despite his injury history.

Retired defensive end Stephen White thinks Terrell Lewis might have the highest ceiling of any draft prospect in years.

The Los Angeles Rams selected Terrell Lewis with the 84th overall pick in the 2020 NFL Draft. Here’s what Stephen White had to say about Lewis ahead of the draft.

Former Alabama edge rusher Terrell Lewis missed the majority of his college career with injuries. One of those was a torn ACL, which is pretty serious. Last season, he missed two games due to injury and elected not to play in Alabama’s bowl game against Michigan. In the four games I watched for this breakdown, he didn’t record a single sack, either. His technique in all phases also needs a little bit of work.

How, then, can I say with a straight face that three years from now we may be debating whether Lewis or Ohio State’s Chase Young is the best edge rusher to come out of this draft?

I’m glad you asked!

First off, let’s talk about Lewis’ size.

I have never been more thrown off by a player’s jersey number as I was while watching Lewis run around with that No. 24 on. But it wasn’t just that. While the guy is 6’5 and weighed in at 262 pounds at the combine, he actually is built like a strong safety. Well, until you see him standing beside an actual strong safety.

Sometimes I’d miss where Lewis was on the field because my brain would just reject the notion that I was supposed to be looking for a dude wearing No. 24 rushing the passer.

And just to be clear, Lewis is a hair taller and just about the same weight as Young. Lewis’ arms are actually a little longer than Young’s, as well. Needless to say, Lewis has the size to play the position, even if it’s sometimes hard to tell just looking at him. Hell, both he and Young are kinda like a Create-A-Player when it comes to their stature.

What Lewis does well: Making plays from everywhere

In addition to being pretty much the perfect size for an edge rusher, Lewis also possesses uncommon athletic ability. That is evidenced by Alabama using him in so many different ways. He lined up on the edge and rushed the passer, and he dropped back into coverage quite a bit as well.

And I’m not talking about some bullshit, half-assed zone drops. He played man-to-man out of the backfield several times, and looked damn good doing it for the most part.

Alabama also had him blitzing both from off the ball, and up at the line of scrimmage for the double A-gap variety. The Tide even stuck him inside as a hand-in-the-dirt three-technique a few times and he acquitted himself well there, too.

Lewis looked pretty much the same no matter what, and he is going to be able to make plays wherever he lines up in the NFL.

Some people don’t think about power when they are talking about athleticism, but I believe it all goes together. Lewis may not be the strongest defensive end you have ever seen, but I watched him stand his ground against a lot of bigger dudes, so I have no worries about him being strong enough to play the position. In fact, when he really learns how to convert his speed into power on a more consistent basis, that may end up being one of the strongest parts of his game, pun intended.

Then there’s Lewis’ technique. I know some of you are thinking, “Wait a minute, I thought Steve said his technique was a problem,” but that’s just because you can’t read. What I actually said was his technique “needs some work” because it does, but that’s so he can transform from a good player to potentially a great one. Remember, I’m not comparing him to some sloppy dude here. Young is one of the better pro-ready prospects I’ve ever broken down.

Lewis isn’t where Young is now, but Lewis’ jump on the next level could be astounding. One of the main reasons is because he just hasn’t played that much football in the last several years. The lack of game reps seems to be reflected in his inconsistent technique at times.

Most of the basic stuff he was asked to do was no problem for Lewis. He has a good get-off whether standing up or out of a three-point stance. He also comes off and gets full extension well when taking on blockers. He changes direction well after the snap and has a pretty good feel for the game.

It isn’t like he is a bad player as is. But I can see him being so much more.

Where Lewis can improve: Sharpening his technique

While Lewis takes on blockers pretty well, there were too many times when he didn’t escape off the block to make the tackle until it was too late. That’s the kind of thing you normally get better at as you get more game reps. It’s not that he couldn’t escape off of blocks, but it was more of a timing issue. And sometimes probably just laziness, trying to reach out for a tackle instead of, say, making a rip move first to clear himself from the blocker and put himself in better position to take the ball carrier down.

That also applies to Lewis as a pass rusher, and rushing the passer is probably where he has the most room to grow. Don’t get me wrong, I thought he showed a nice array of moves for a college edge rusher, and there is already a lot of good stuff to work with for any NFL defensive line coach. It’s just that with a little bit of polish, Lewis will be able to convert more of his pressures into sacks.

For instance, Lewis has the makings of being dominant with his long-arm move — and that’s where having longer arms come in pretty handy. He did a really good job of coming off the ball like he was going to attempt a speed rush to get the offensive tackles bailing out, then stabbing them right in the chest with his inside hand and jolting them backward.

The problem would come when Lewis wouldn’t go ahead and escape off the move before the blocker could recover. He would end up stuck too long on the block, which would give the quarterback time to either throw the ball, or step up in the pocket and away from his pressure. Once he gets more consistent with using his outside hand to swipe and then finish with a rip or arm-over, offensive linemen are going to catch absolute hell trying to stop that move.

While Lewis has the athleticism to be a finesse guy, he also had plenty of success as a power rusher too. Being able to get off those power rushes just a touch quicker is going to make a huge difference in his production.

At the same time, Lewis is one of those guys who can win around the corner, and it seems like those kinds of pure speed rushers are in short supply these days. I did find it interesting that while Lewis had such an explosive get-off at his disposal, I didn’t see him trying to burn the edge much. A guy as fast as he is, with that level of athleticism, he should be dipping and ripping more unless and until the offensive tackles show they can stop it.

I also thought he could’ve used his cross chop a little more. It was almost shocking to see him use different moves because he used some of them so sparingly. As he continues to sharpen his technique, he is probably going to see a lot more success running around blockers.

Lewis’ NFL future: The next Von Miller (if healthy)

You know who I kept thinking about while watching Lewis flash for four games?

Von Miller.

That’s who Lewis reminded me of when he would make an explosive play seemingly out of the blue. So I decided to look up Miller’s combine numbers.

He hit a 37-inch vertical and a 126-inch broad jump. Lewis notched the same vertical and a 124-inch broad jump. But Miller weighed in at “only” 6’3 and 246 pounds.

Take from that what you will. While I admit Miller had much better technique coming out than Lewis currently possesses, there isn’t any role Miller plays on the field that I don’t think Lewis could do, too. There is a distinct possibility that one day Lewis will be doing a lot of the same things just as good or better than Miller.

Yeah, I said it.

Of course, the elephant in the room is the injuries. As somehow who went through his share of injuries both in college and in the NFL, I’m a little sensitive to the label “injury prone,” especially when we are talking about major injuries like Lewis suffered in college. I am unaware of any exercise or stretch that will prevent an ACL tear. Trust me, if such a thing existed every football player would be trying it.

At the same time, the truth is one of the most important abilities of any player is availability. That is the cold business side of the game, and of course it has to factor into any draft evaluation. None of us have a crystal ball, so Lewis might go out there the first play of his career and get injured again, or he might play the next decade without missing a rep. There’s no way to know for sure.

Since I have no interest in seeing his medical records, and because I generally hate talking about injuries, I’m just going to assume Lewis stays healthy as a pro. If he does, the sky really is the limit with this kid. I don’t know that I’ve ever seen a college player with this much upside. I am damn near positive I’ve never done a breakdown with a guy whose ceiling was any higher.

I could easily spin Lewis missing so much time to injuries in college to there not being as many miles on his body. He really only played two seasons, and he’s still only 21. He already has a potent spin move to work as a counter off his speed rushes, so he’s ready to get on the field and get pressure early on his career.

That, ladies and gentlemen, gets me excited! Once you see him in the NFL, I think you will be excited too.

Lewis may be floating under the radar due to injuries and his mostly underwhelming statistics, but if he can just stay healthy, he could be the kind of NFL edge rusher offensive coordinators have to gameplan around. I have no idea how his injury history will affect where he’s drafted, but no matter when or where he goes, it’s all going to come down to his health.

If he can find a way to stay on the field, Lewis will be able to impact the outcome of games on an outsized level eventually. And if that happens, the barbershop debates over him and Young are going to be epic a few years down the road.

Be sure to check out my other scouting reports on Chase Young, Jerry Jeudy, Derrick Brown, Jedrick Wills Jr., A.J. Epenesa, CeeDee Lamb, Javon Kinlaw, and Mekhi Becton.

For the purposes of this breakdown, I watched Lewis play against South Carolina, Arkansas, LSU, and Auburn.

[hcourageous]

It’s come to my attention that amidst the glory that is Wonder Woman many people are saying “This is what a DC movie should be like” and that godforsaken article “the dceu is in trouble everyone liked Wonder Woman” all the while blatantly ignoring the vivid and prominent parallels between Wonder Woman and the other DC movies, specifically Man of Steel and Batman v Superman, because they seem to be at center of all the vitriol. Some of these aren’t parallels necessarily, just things BvS and MoS have been criticized for that magically no one mentioned about Wonder Woman.

Let’s start out with the most obvious, yeah?

1. Wonder Woman was FUN!!!

No. It wasn’t. Let me explain, I had a blast in this movie, it moved me, it made me laugh, it made me cry, it made my blood pump and while I am so blown away by seeing a movie directed with the female gaze and with all these amazing female warriors, this isn’t a FunTM movie. It’s set in World War I for god’s sake. It never shies away from the atrocities experienced by the citizens and soldiers in this war. It shows realistically what PTSD looks like through Charlie. It brings up interesting and complex ideas and hard facts about racism, politics, sexism and the arrogance of mankind. There are light moments for sure, but it isn’t bouncy happy fun all the time. I would say it isn’t humorous or light the majority of the time either. It’s a very serious movie, it expects you to take it seriously and you do. The thing is, Batman v Superman and Man of Steel are the SAME way. There’s humorous moments, light moments, but they are serious movies with complex ideas about heroism and being an immigrant in a strange world and how the darkness can corrupt even the most justice and moral driven of heroes. I had in watching them. I had amazing experiences. So did many others. But none of these movies are “fun” movies. They don’t shy away from sacrifice or darkness. They acknowledge that. You can have fun experiencing the movie, and laugh at its humor, but it isn’t a lighthearted film.

2. Colors!!

I mean, we’ve all hear the terms “dark and gritty” and “lacking color” when talking about the DCEU, which is frankly bullshit but I digress. Wonder Woman wasn’t really “colorful” either. Themiscyra was, but I mean it’s a magically hidden island of Amazons from ancient times. But as soon as they leave the island, the world is grey and dark and dismal. Diana calls it hideous. But this didn’t seem to detract anyone from enjoying the movie or following the story. Diana’s suit isn’t even that brightly colored, something Henry Cavill’s Superman has been criticized constantly about. Both movies use color and the lack thereof, shadows, darkness, to help tell the story.

3. Mental health/Triggering

Both Wonder Woman and Batman v Superman tackle PTSD in very real, pointed ways. Each depicts scenes where characters clearly struggle with nightmares, triggers, and outbursts from what they’re experiencing. Both did so in a compelling and realistic way and yet one was mocked relentlessly and one was not. Batman v Superman lingers on the mental health issues the characters are experiencing more, but they are central parts of the story and how it progresses. Bruce’s PTSD is what allows him to be manipulated by Lex’s games. Charlie’s PTSD is real and heartbreaking, but he is surrounded by friends and people who understand, Bruce is largely along besides Alfred who honestly doesn’t now how to help anymore.

4. The name game

So something I heard over and over as a criticism for Man of Steel was that no one calls him “Superman”. People said Zack Snyder was afraid to use the name, despite the fact this was an origin story and he wasn’t Superman yet. Despite the fact that Captain Ferris calls him Superman by the end of the film(and I agree Ferris, he’s totally hot). Yet Wonder Woman was not called by “Wonder Woman” in the film and no one seemed to have any problem with that.

5. Stories about sacrifice

This one really gets my goat. Man of Steel ended in the destruction of Metropolis, but the hope we could rebuild. Batman v Superman ended with Clark’s death, but the idea that men are still good, justice is coming. Wonder Woman ended with Steve’s death, but that love is the most powerful motivation for heroism. All three of these things are important, and yet BvS was trashed for implying that heroism requires sacrifice and Clark should have just given Diana the spear. Well, as Wonder Woman also expertly showed us, sometimes, you can’t do everything. Diana told Steve whatever it was, she could do it. But she couldn’t. There was no time. He could save the day, but she needed to save the world. In Batman v Superman a similar situation unfolds: a creature from another word. Batman has the gas, but he’s a weak human compared to Doomsday. Diana is strong, but she’s holding Doomsday back with the lasso. And there’s Clark who knows that he has to do something. He has the spear. When you can do something you have the responsibility to. That’s what being a hero means. So he does. In both cases that sacrifice reminded the heroes of what heroism really is about: hope, love, the fact that humanity is deeply flawed but worth fighting for. This lesson is also demonstrated in Man of Steel when Clark has to kill Zod to save a family.

6. The Hero loses faith

When Batman v Superman came out Superman/Clark was heavily criticized about the fact that he has a crisis of faith, right after the bombing and before Doomsday it really looks like Clark is going to give up. That he’s going to hang up the cape and give up the dream of being the people’s guardian. Diana has a similar experience. After fake-Ares is killed and she sees that nothing stopped, she has an absolute breakdown. Her entire worldview, everything she was taught was shaken and uprooted. Steve tries to convince her that people are worth believing in, and when he can’t he goes back to doing what he must do. He must help save people. In both situations, the heroes are put to the test when people they love are put in danger and face real doubts about heroism and themselves. In both cases, each hero makes the choice to continue the battle. Diana saves Doctor Poison, choosing to believe in humanity and and take down Ares. Clark does his best to reason with Bruce, who he considered a violent vigilante, to stand down, and even after the fight goes beyond his control he begs him to save Martha, he doesn’t care if Bruce kills him first, as long as he saves her. He puts his trust in Bruce’s humanity and THAT is why they are able to put their differences aside to help fight Doomsday. In both cases the crisis of faith were important developmental moments, showcasing to the audience how grueling and disheartening being a hero is sometimes. Sometimes people don’t understand, they vilify you, they mistrust you. Sometimes you don’t win, and those failures have a high cost. Do you keep going? Both these movies answer yes.

Listen, I’m really not asking you to like the other DC movies if you liked Wonder Woman. They are different movies and each film had different strengths and weaknesses, but I am saying that as a whole MoS and BvS have gotten some pretty unfair criticism due to largely what I think comes down to Zack Snyder. Some people don’t want to like his films, so they don’t. But in the light of all that Wonder Woman is getting praise for, which it deserves, that both the other films did well along side it is hypocritical. Patty and Allan did an incredible job, but I would like to remind people that Zack casted Gal Gadot, not Patty, and Zack, along with others, helped write the story that Allan adapted into a screenplay. This movie was a team effort in a grand scheme of films that had its own wonderful unique qualities while sharing the ideals and driving force that its predecessors did.

[themiddlelayer]

I’m an idiot...

And an oxytocin junkie. And it’s killing me. Seriously. 

I’ve been in my apartment for a full week now and I’m as moved in as I’m getting for now. There are still a few little stupid things I need like a step ladder and the nails to hang my Frida print but otherwise, things are functioning and I’m comfortable. That’s the easy part. 

The hard part? The loneliness. I’ve never lived alone... I had my Kiddo and/or a husband/boyfriend/roommates since I left home at 16. When I lived at home, I was alone all the time... I didn’t have any real connection to my family of origin so I spent most all of my time beginning around age 10 alone in my room. I felt like an outsider in my own home, so I made my bedroom my sanctuary. It was always clean, vaccummed, dusted and in order. The rest of the house was always dirty and as chaotic as a household of 3 (me, my father and my younger brother) could be. 

I know that’s the root of my need to be in a relationship. I grew up alone and never felt like I was part of my family so I’ve spent my entire life trying to build one of my own... and failing over and over. Knowing that doesn’t change how hard it is to be single and how scary this feels. Knowing I’m capable, strong, financially stable enough.. none of that stops me from waking up in the morning and crying... feeling like I want to crawl out of my skin just to not be here. 

The dark twisty thoughts have started to creep in and I’m doing everything I can to fight it off and keep myself safe. I’m safe right now. And I know what I need to do... but it’s exhausting to constantly push away those thoughts and keep going. Keep showing up for “work” and answering messages from people... people who genuinely love me and want to see me happy and healthy. 

I’m in that place where I’m afraid of exhausting Cookie with my stuff because she’s the only person I’m really comfortable with seeing me like this in real life. She’s got an old flame, Shakespeare (SS), who re-emerged, freshly divorced and giving her all the feels again. She’s so happy that I hate bringing my heavy to her. 

The funny thing is that she came over on Friday to talk about SS because he missed a planned phone call and she was in the same place I was with LEO... feeling like an idiot for getting all twitterpated over someone who can’t even reply to a good morning message for over 24 hours. She took my advice and messaged him basically asking if she should be miffed about being stood up (they had planned a phone call that he missed) or if she should be worried. He replied right away, saying all the right things. He’s worried about messing things up and worried that he won’t be able to ‘walk the talk’ when it comes down to it because of where he’s at in life right now. Honest. Transparent. Awesome. I’m so happy for her!

But me? I’m an idiot... LEO and I finally had a longer-ish video chat Friday night but I’d had an edible, fallen asleep on the couch then got a message from him as I crawled into bed. Admittedly, I was still a little high when we chatted. And he finally got to see my boobs.. LOL! 

I don’t doubt him for a second when he tells me that he loves me and wants to be with me. But that doesn’t change the lack of conversation and the way our schedules just aren’t lining up. And none of that seems to stop me from melting into a puddle of goo when he calls me ‘Babygirl.’ Fucking ridiculous. 

If I’ve learned anything over the course of my failed relationships it’s that it takes more than love to make a relationship work. It takes work. It takes common interests and shared ideas about how the everyday things should go... little things that seem trivial, really aren’t. What smells a person loves or hates... where they want the thermostat set... if there is a ‘right way’ to load a dishwasher... little seemingly trivial things that I gave up on really add up and can snowball into a life where I’m small and powerless. I can’t do that again, and I know that. 

And then there’s that part of me that’s just flat out tired. Exhausted from a lifetime of survival mode and of all the chaos and deep emotions that came from polyamory... burned out, just like my grandmother used to talk about. Shortly before she passed away she said that she saw me burning so brightly that she was always afraid I’d burn out too fast. That’s what this feels like sometimes. 

That part of me wants to just go home to California and be a cop’s wife. No need for the politics and deep conversations. No need for the effort. No need for anything other than just doing daily life and breakfast burritos. I could go back to being the house where the kids come afterschool.. LEO has a 10 year old daughter and a few grown kids... I could help another little woman into the world but maybe she would actually want me in her life, unlike my Kiddo who hasn’t spoken to me in years. Ouch.

Further complicating my emotional state is my renewed connection with McT back in MD. We’ve had several chats, a phone call that lasted over an hour then last night we video chatted for almost 90 minutes. I showed him my apartment and then he walked me through his house, pointing out and telling stories behind all of artwork and knick-knacks. He pulled out a couple of his ukuleles and played them and sang to me. I couldn’t stop smiling. 

He’s moving towards filmmaking after writing several plays that have been performed out there. He’s upped his game from hosting burlesque shows and writing into more and more sideshow acts. He does straight jacket escapes, strongman feats like tearing decks of cards and bending things like horseshoes, nails and frying pans, and is working on sword swallowing. He travels to perform while holding down a full time job in a museum in DC. He went to art school and makes a living at art! Unheard of, right!?! 

McT makes me smile. We have great conversations... he’s hot. And kinky. Ridiculously smart and witty... and when we talk, I almost always end up feeling like I’m just flat out boring. He’s motivated and has interests... and I guess that’s actually normal, like the product of a happy, healthy upbringing complete with summer camp and the ‘almost became a rabbi’ path. He’s not someone who I could ever see getting married and doing the kind of life thing that LEO wants. He feels like a bright spot or a comet which has its own merits but ultimately I feel like he’d get bored of me if we were to ever actually pursue anything serious. 

Realistically, I need to put my energy into myself, my job, and into finding other things... not people... that make me happy. I know this. I really do. 

I’m still grieving the loss of the life with MM because I didn’t really, fully do that. We unraveled in slow motion but it’s really over now. In all likeliness I’ll never see that house again. I’ll never see Bleu or Monster again. And I may never see MM again after he leaves for DC at the end of the month. He was my family and has had my back through this Tampa episode in a way that most wouldn’t. But I don’t recognize him anymore. Our interactions in person have all been cold and awkward and I still can’t talk to him without holding back tears most of the time. 

And this Tampa bullshit. I woke up angry at him this morning. Things did not have to be this way. I didn’t have to be worried about running into him at the grocery store... we could have still enjoyed the good... I woke up thinking about making french toast and wishing I could watch the latest episode of Harley Quinn. And then I thought about inviting Cookie for brunch but the place in town with the best benedicts is the place where Tampa and I had brunch that last weekend before he flew back to Florida and a fresh flood of tears sprang. I just want to kick him in the shins and yell, “What the fuck, dude!!?” 

I pulled back because I had to for my own dignity, and instead of hanging on and working on things he threw me away. I wasn’t worth the effort because I was too easy from the beginning and I can’t make that mistake again. 

Just as my tears were drying up, my phone rang... Washington state. My first love and first lover... 

I can’t believe I haven’t talked about him or given him a nickname! Or have I? Well, I’m going to go with “Byron” now. When we were much younger, I came across a quote from Lord Byron that always made me think of him, “In her first passion woman loves her lover; in all others, all she loves is love.” 

Byron’s 5 year old daughter was murdered a little over a year ago and they are in the middle of the trial. He’s been homeless, living in his car for awhile now, unable to work due to his own health and then this whole thing with the trial. To say that his life was hard before this is an understatement.. admittedly, he was responsible for a lot of the struggles he’s faced, but he has always kept going. 

He’s battled alcoholism, health issues including multiple hospitalizations for diabetes complications, liver cirrhosis and injuries like the broken femur he’s still healing from. Once upon a time ago, he ran a comedy club and partied with celebrities... he dated Tonya Harding briefly and when he told me all I could do was chuckle because she seems like his type. When he was diagnosed with  cirrhosis a few years ago, he called me to tell me because he wanted me to hear it from him before he shared it on social media. 

We haven’t actually seen each other in over a decade when he lived with me briefly in Texas. He was still drinking then and things got ugly... but he’s Byron and I’ve always loved him so when he got back in touch all was forgiven. 

The thing with Byron that always got me was that after my being so in love with him when we were kids and him dating all of my friends... after losing our virginity to each other and continuing to have sex while he was dating my ‘best friend’ at the time... After all of that, I left our hometown and was moving on with life. I met my Kiddo’s father and that same weekend Byron called me out of the blue telling me, “I love you. I’ve always loved you. Please come home and be my wife.” 

It was a moment in my life where I literally had two paths unfolding in front of me and I had a choice to make. I can’t say I’ve had a moment so clear in terms of where life could have gone since that one. And I chose my Kiddo’s father, which has lead me to a life where I’ve had a new addresses, new zip codes, new states, a new country over and over rather than going “home” where I never felt at home. 

Byron is home...my home in that he knows me under all of this and I only wish I could be there to support him through this now. The crazy thing is that when he called me just now and asked how I was doing, I broke down crying again and he went on about how proud of me he is, how strong and amazing I am... He told me that I need to remember who the fuck I am. And he’s right. 

He’s literally been sitting in a courtroom seeing pictures and video of his little girl’s last moments, of her injuries... of the medic on scene going off saying that there was no way things could have gone down like they were trying to say... He’s been dodging the media and turning down offers to go on national TV to talk about it because he just wants justice for her. All of this while living in his car alone in Washington state. And here he was comforting ME and keeping this positive attitude in the face of unbearable loss... all while staying sober, which is huge for him. Holy shit, right!?! 

If I’ve learned nothing else in the last few weeks it’s that I’m loved and I’ve made a difference in other people’s lives. People I haven’t talked to in years have reached out to check on me after seeing my posts on FB. People I’ve been in and out of contact with have told me in no uncertain terms that the things I’ve taught them have helped them get through their own toughest times and told me over and over again how strong I am. These are the things I need to hang on to. These are things I need to learn from and in turn be sure that I’m reaching back out to the people who have made a difference in my life. 

I know I’ll survive this and that this is the hard part... the grieving and loss of yet another incarnation of myself. I’m really feeling the urge to get a tattoo... a phoenix. Or maybe a butterfly... something that will remind me of my capacity to rebuild and be reborn again like I’ve done so many times before. 

I’ll be okay. Better than okay. I just need to ride this out and remember who the fuck I am under all the years of making myself small enough to fit into other people’s (men’s) lives. 

Time to dry my eyes again and get dressed. I need to buy water since my water dispenser died on me and it will be a bit before I can get a replacement sent. It’s still under warranty so it shouldn’t cost me anything. And I need to go by Cookie’s for my replacement glasses. 

I’ve got this... and I’m so grateful for everyone who’s still out there listening, watching and rooting for me. I love you. 

[onemanzerosquad]

New York Blackbeard Diary Recap Pt.2

Day 6...... I woke up and got ready for work. While waiting for the bus, some guy was sitting inthe middle of the street having cars pass him and finally a non-scumbag driver decided to stop and ask the guy what's his deal. Pretty much he was tripping off of acid and wanted to kill himself. Next thing, like double digit number of cops surrounding and walked him to the corner away from cars. Could of been a Watching Wanda but I got on the bus. Pretty much worked for 12 hours and was amazed that my body limitations didn't reach to the short maximum. It was my first full week of work and it was cool. But full offside problems which I wont get into so much cause the day is over. My Sunday will be full fixing the issue but it's all good because I hate doing nothing anyway.

Day 7........Woke up from a power sleep that was needed from a long work day. Started off the day helping out an ex only to find out she was dealing with something that I saw as a lack of respect of herself which led me to a disappointment on her for her actions considering the fact that she wanted me back but I decline the offer. After that situation, I put myself in thinking mode contemplating on love because at this point, I starting to lose a lot of interest in it. Maybe it's me or I just pick the wrong woman to love and be with. Moving on, I washed my clothes and took care of an issue dealing with my bank account which will be fully fixed by Tuesday. After, I spent the day just focusing on love and where it stands because I'm leading towards calling it quits. While in thinking mode, I got a message on Instagram of a business opportunity of investing which I'm gonna to decline due to lack of knowledge on investing and doing business over the phone and social media is too uncomfortable. In meantime, I'm gonna look over what was discuss in that chat. Tomorrow I start my new workout and finally look more into this book I recently purchase titled......The Filter Bubble.

Day 8.......Woke up and decline the business offer which was calm then instead of hitting the gym, I went back to sleep.Woke up back and forth with moments. Woke up ate lunch from the shelter and talk to a friend and updated my health. Surprisely, I didn't use the cane all day. Went back to sleep but this time it was power nap and ate dinner and seen mold on a bread like wtf Being in the shelter has given me realization of reality to the point that I fully understand why people sleep on the streets and dont want to go to the shelter. After I leave the shelter, there will definitely change of things. I'm ending this day reading Rich Dad Poor Dad and The Filter Bubble. Tomorrow is a new day.

Day 9......Woke up with a headache from a dream. In my dream was me in hospital pretty much dying seeing people that that currently had in my life. I was dying of cancer apparently. With that scene came with moments of my past. Then I woke up and started crying thinking to myself what the f**k. I wipe the tears from my eyes and took a shower and got ready. Pretty much left me paranoid everytime someone sat next to me smoking a cigarette. Went to library and used the computer to contact my neurologist to fill this form from in regards to my restrictions of my body. Looking over the form later that day, I realize this form will come from honesty and being realistic with myself since I have to finally accept the fact that my body has limitations. This led to me thinking about 2013 til now and......I been through a lot of shit and pretty much everything is gone. So what now. First this horrible dream and this realization that I did everything to make things right. I might as well let it all out. I'm sharing my life from then to now and not holding anything back. I may lose respect and friends but I feel it's time to let it out and finally leave the past the past and accept the outcome......There's no point of hiding my thoughts anymore. Everything is basically gone.

Day 10........Woke up. Night before was kinda unfortunate watching a guy taken by the ambulance. My only assumption would be a drug related incident. I skipped gym today to work on this restriction form. First was first, a mail pick up. Had to fill out forms and make calls. My restrictions form was pretty much done. It was answered with honesty and from a realistic mindset. It goes back to what ex told me like a week ago....... My body has more limitations than anyone else and that I need to know when to slow down. It was unfortunately the true. I just needed to accept it and I did.

As I expressed on the last post, I will share my life from then to now. I would share from birth to now but 2011 started this Fall to Rise to Fall so here we go........

Summer 2011 was an end of something that I took very hard. My 2 year relationship with my first love finally end. I'll admit this publicly, as much as both sides had fault to it, I fucked that up mostly. I was insecure, lazy, had no ambition, anger problems and just verbally abusive. I provoked her at times. She try to make it up to me all the but I didnt give her the time of the day. I would apologize all the time and promise not to bullshit her then went back on my bullshit. The affections faded away and the assurance of being the protector wasn't wanted any longer. She finally had the courage to be strong and leave. I'm sure it wasn't easy. As I look back at it, she did the right thing. I'm sure she's happy now and at this point that's all I want for her. Anyway, the summer was kind of depressing and after the bullshit of being in the pystactric emergency room, to the shelter, back to the pystactric emergency room, then to a friends home, to The Bronx, I decided to finally go back home stay. Instead of not eating and doing nothing, I started working out and doing backyard wrestling a lot more than I should. Most of the year I was in the BWA (beach) but after the breakup, I went back to the stomping grounds DIW (and IKW) which was a place comfort to be honest. No disrespect but I couldn't trust most of guys at BWA (beach) since the break up. Well only the white boys I trusted lol. Felt like I was being hurt physically by some intentionally. I remember getting a call from my boy that left New York and apparently alot was being said about me but no one never confronted me about it which was some bitch shit to me cause there's three sides to a story and no one nevered talked to me about what was being said about me that year. So being at BWA (beach), it was uncomfortable cause now I know that something was said about me to some and those who read this know who you are. I didnt even trust my tag partner especially that one day when he just randomly basically admit that he had a thing for my ex. Like when he said that, the thought in my head was that if I had a gun, I would shoot him with hopes that he would die like. Is this nigga serious? Like she just left me and you got the nerve to say that shit. Fucking fat piece of shit get no pussy motherfucka.....Felt to be on some murder shit when he said that lol. Still wrestled in BWA (beach) but felt more comfortable in DIW. I knew my guys over there had my back no matter what and it was a family thing and they knew me more. As months went by, backyard wrestling became like a career/lifestyle. I would wrestle in BWA (bronx) during the week, DIW and IKW on Saturdays, then BWA (beach) on Sundays. The only thing that kept me going to BWA (beach) was my storyline with the Axis Of Choas. That match with Pitch Black was top favorite match. It brought me back to the real backyard wrestling days (IBW) During that year, I got involve in social media a lot trying to find love. Still insecure and in denial, I got into long distance relationships but one became something special to me and it started on New Years Eves.

Love is Love

Jikai.......One Last Time. The Past From The Last View 2012 The Love Gamble But 2......

Mad King Recharging Arc

[thecatladyknits]

personal trainers

i have never met a personal trainer i have liked

i mean, as a personal trainer. all of them have been nice people, but it’s like, they don’t get me.

i went to the one on Saturday because it was included in the membership, so hey i guess i’ll try if it’s free. but just like every other fitness person/personal trainer, they give me the same advice, and don’t listen to me.

yes i know i should switch up my routines every so often, but you also don’t seem to understand how long it took me to find stuff i enjoy and can do. so yeah, while i’ll switch things up to a certain degree, i’m not going to start doing plyo and bootcamp and running just to have different stuff to do. i hate that stuff and i WON’T do it. not because i’m a stubborn child, but because i’ll do it for a week and cry after and then hate myself and give up. so please stop suggesting it. even after i tell people the stuff i hate, they’re like “well maybe just try it for a bit” and i’m like are you fucking listening. i *have* tried it and i hate it. being in the same routine and plateauing but at least still being active is better than quitting because i hate the exercise i’ve been given by some PT.

then when she asked me “has anyone told you about PT here?” and i said “no, and i don’t mean to be rude, but i’m not interested in PT. it makes me uncomfortable, i’d rather do the classes, and i’m comfortable with how to do exercises i do when i do things on my own”... but she gave me the PT spiel anyway. sigh. i mean again, i understand if you have to do that because it’s your job, but it is really, really frustrating to not be listened to.

at least this trainer didn’t try to get me to try a 1200 calorie diet. thankfully for me, i knew better when that did happen and wasn’t desperate enough to try it. i will not ever take any advice from a personal trainer unless they are a certified dietitian; “nutritionist” and “nutritional counseling” are bullshit terms, and learning only the one “diet” program your gym offers is not anything.

possibly the most uncomfortable question she asked was what did i think contributed to weight gain / lack of loss (this was after i said i lost a bunch and then gained a fair bit back, so i guess that was my own fault for leading that in). i said a bunch of shit about being out of routine, having to travel, holiday eating, and just not paying as much attention as i should. but really, what would she have done if i had told the truth: i struggle a lot with feeding mental illness (anxiety, depression) with food. i developed bad habits during a terrible time in my life when food was my only comfort. i struggle with some elements of food addiction. my entire family is overweight (in my case i’m pretty sure it’s mostly due to habits, not genetics, IMO). my boyfriend is overweight and we sometimes enable each other in bad food habits. i honestly LOVE junk food (i also like a lot of healthy foods, but even at my lowest weights, i still fucking love junk food; i didn’t lose my taste for anything junky like seemingly a lot of people do after they clean up their diets..  “i don’t even crave chocolate anymore!! #cleaneating” LMAO NOPE). so, i don’t really think you can help me with that, and i don’t really want you to anyway.

finally, if i were to have a personal trainer, i would want someone who has struggled with being overweight, food addict, etc. so they could better understand. i would sooner take someone who lost 200 lbs. than someone who has always been reasonably fit. i’m not jealous, and i don’t hate the naturally fit or the people who have worked hard to never get overweight for their dedication and/or luck, but it just won’t work for me. they may be nice, compassionate people, but when the vibe is like “haha just eat less and workout more!” or uncomprehendingly “why did you gain 5 lbs this month???” like you have no idea what is going on here.

i appreciate having had the fit test done and getting my measurements because i never seem to do them right, but no fucking thank you to personal training. unless someone comes along that is a personal trainer, certified dietitian, *and* a therapist, i will do better on my own without the guilt and the “motivational” parts of it all that make me feel shitty about myself. for me, there’s way too much intertwined between physical health, mental health, weight, eating habits, food addiction, lifestyle, and self-esteem. maybe at a point when “weight loss” wasn’t an issue anymore. maybe if i wanted to learn how to powerlift or something, i would investigate it again. but weight loss? still way, way too sensitive.

[terryblount]

Far Cry: New Dawn Review

Far Cry: New Dawn is the latest installment in a series that recently turned fourteen years old. New Dawn is not a DLC; it might be considered as an expansion of Far Cry 5 since it continues that story but I think a sequel is a better word to describe it.

I am amazed the game does not have little ponies.

Far Cry was one of the best FPS (first person shooters) that mixed action with stealth and while the first game was a pretty realistic shooter with a sci-fi twist, the rest did not follow in its footsteps. Far Cry 3 and Primal had some supernatural nonsense (this one does as well) but nothing close to the sci-fi elements that were introduced in the first game. I honestly enjoyed every game until Far Cry 4. After FC4, though, I reached my limits mainly due to the lack of creativity. Ubisoft tried to change things with FC5 and it did, though those changes were not enough to make the game feel fresh or interesting (at least they removed the towers).

“Problem makers must be solved. So rabbits, are you problem makers or problem solvers?” – One of the twins right before bashing someone’s head with a helmet.

These are the twins, so instead of having one boring villain now you get two in the price of one!

Since Vaas (“You are so fucked Jason”), no main villain really made an impact on me. The story was always an important part of the Far Cry games and without a solid antagonist the story, usually, falls flat. Of course no matter how cool Vaas was, the gameplay evolution of the third game is what made Far Cry what it is today (and in case you haven’t figured it out yet, I love stealth games).

Oh dear God please do not remind me of that music.

Even today, I believe that Far Cry has the perfect stealth mechanics in any FPS game. Not only that, but with each new iteration the Far Cry series only becomes better. Unfortunately though even if the gameplay has always been good, most of the other parts were not so much. I thought the fifth game will be the end of the series but, apparently, I was mistaken. I was also surprised as I thought New Dawn would be a glorified crappy pink re-skin (since it hasn’t even been a year since the release of Far Cry 5). Looks like it wasn’t – or at least not as much as I initially thought – and to be honest, I liked it in spite of all the pink crap (even if it does make the game feel like it was built for little girls!). Seriously, the pink colour is frigging everywhere! I did not like the game as much as Blood Dragon which, in my opinion, was amazing – and I am still hoping for a sequel – but New Dawn is better than Far Cry 5.

“If I wasn’t blind as fuck I would have joined the fight” –Grace Armstrong, probably the best sniper in Far Cry 5 but not anymore.

For the sake of spoilers I am only going to say that the game continues exactly where the fifth game ends (or to be more precise from a specific ending since there was more than one). Seventeen years after the incident people resurface and start to rebuild the world. A group of ruthless murderers called the Highwaymen, led by the twins Mickey & Lou, terrorize the inhabitants of Hope county in Montana (I get it’s a catchier name but why not Highwaywomen since most of them are women? I mean even the leaders are women. Just a thought).

“Are you ready to go so fast that your pubes will pull back and tickle your asshole?” – The Monkey God’s faithful servant Hurk right before handing me the keys of his deadly car.

After the near complete annihilation of the safe haven Prosperity, Carmina Rye (the daughter of Nick & Kim Rye from FC5) asks survivors lead by Thomas Rush to help them. Since Rush is helping to rebuild communities all across the country, with the help of experts he has recruited over the years. Shit hits the fan very soon though and a full frontal assault begins at the train where Rush and the rest of his people are using for transportation. That’s where you take the role of the captain of the security who, minutes after the attack, rushes in to save his people. Unfortunately, everyone dies and Rush gets captured. The captain as the sole survivor is being found by Carmina who leads him to Prosperity and the fight against the Highwaymen begins.

Don’t even ask! Seriously just don’t.

The story is nothing special but certainly more “believable”  and enjoyable than what we got in Far Cry 5, though most characters – with a few exceptions – are nothing extraordinary. While there is a comedic tone here and there, the actual story is rather serious. I mean, it is a survival game so how fun can it be right? Speaking of which, if you could adjust some things, remove some others and put zombies in the mix, this could easily pass as a “The Walking Dead” game (which could have been better than the one we recently got). I also do not know why Ubisoft chose to, once again, go with the silent protagonist (maybe it is the RPG elements which Ubisoft tries to put in every single bloody game it makes but more on that later) but for me it’s getting tiresome; this is not a sandbox RPG for the love of god.

“Lollypop lollypop, you are going to eat dirt lollypop” – Little girl outside the arena before I enter with the fight name Lollypop.

The voice acting is pretty good but the lip-syncing is not always that great. Moreover, most of the characters from the previous game return in this one. The main antagonists, the twins, are OK I guess. They are “psychotic” and “logical” with extremely violent tendencies and without showing any kind of empathy or sorrow, however they are not very menacing or scary and their looks do not fit their characters. As such, they become a bit forgettable.

Yap, this is where I found the naked guy.

I mean, take a look at Vaas. His looks matched his personality almost perfectly (he could be psychotic and insane while at the same time he could be funny and clever) and most importantly there was a serious reason for you to fear him and hate him at the same time (I think the writing was better as well). The twins failed to emotionally engage me with their personalities/looks as I basically didn’t really care or worry for anyone except for Rush. Even so, there is a part  involving the twins that I really liked though it becomes forgettable rather quickly (if you’ve played the game, you understand the part I’m referencing). I do not want to spoil anything more but I have to say that some of the returning characters make much more sense in this world rather than the one that Far Cry 5 was based on.

“Loot them but do not defile them” – Father Jerome while I am going through someone’s pockets.

Visually speaking, the game looks just as good as Far Cry 5, and some may say that it performs a bit better than it. The only performance issues I’ve encountered were some random stutters (from time to time) and, for some odd reasons, the subtitles kept resetting whenever I was launching the game. Other than these two minor issues, though, New Dawn ran fine on my system. For more details on performance please read John’s analysis.

Well terrorizing and killing innocents is hard work, he deserves a break, a permanent one.

Music and sound are fine. There are some audio glitches though they occurred rarely, but Christ the music playing at the outposts is frigging horrific. Terrible, just terrible (no wonder why all the highwaymen are losing their fucking minds after listening to it). Thankfully, there is another radio station that plays classics and although I am not a big fan of that genre, it sounds heavenly better than the other station.

I told you BOY, you are not allowed to play with grenades before dinner! Now go eat your veggies and come back to teach you how to politely stab people in the face!

Now let me address the elephant in the room  – not actual elephants like in FC4 as there aren’t any ride-able animals this time – the RPG elements. Yes, Ubisoft did implement some of the changes/features we saw in games like The Division or AC: Odyssey. Unfortunately, Ubisoft keeps copying and pasting stuff to every game it makes, even if these elements do not fit in specific titles. What it doesn’t seem to understand is that New Dawn’s lasting appeal won’t be extended by adding them, and that all of its latest games look alike and/or play the same. In reality, what these RPG elements actually do is make the game boring and repetitive as hell, and I’m certain that no one wants unnecessary grinding that does not come with, at least, worthy rewards. Also, I find it really stupid – in a Far Cry game – to shoot an enemy 100 times in the face so that you can kill him/her, just because he/she is one or two levels higher than you; it’s bullshit.

That crap is all over the place so that’s why we call her Glitchy Gina, she doesn’t like that as you can see.

“I always hated that motherfucker” – Gina after shooting some random highwayman.

I do get that some people like this but it makes no sense to me in this particular series. But hey, at least you can turn off the damage numbers and enemy health bars, thus making it a bit more tolerable.  Thankfully, I did not rush the main story and all the missions I completed were on the same level I was, so I never had to shoot someone in the face more than once (or maybe twice if they wore a helmet). On the other hand, I had a couple encounters with some mutated animals which could only be killed by shooting specific parts of their bodies.

Even the god damn fire is pink…the bodies?! What bodies? No, there are no bodies here.

The shooting is – as always – pretty good and the non-restrictive cover system works, once again, great. The melee combat is also solid and I do appreciate the return of the knife take-downs. Actually, these may be the best take-down animations I have seen in a Far Cry game. You can use numerous melee weapons like bats, pipes and shovels but all the stealth take-down sequences feature a knife. As for the advertised new weapon, the saw-launcher, it is cool but I stopped using it the moment I realized there is still no gore or dismemberment in the game.

“Go sinner, with our blessing and hope” – Leader of the hunters before I go burn everything to dust .

Stealth, as usual, is great but some parts felt a bit weird since you can now move the camera while doing take-downs and using skills like the chain take-downs (which worked perfectly in the previous games but did not this time around or maybe I was doing something wrong which I doubt since I have played extensively all of the previous Far Cry games). By the way, I will never understand why you throw a bat instead of a knife when you do the advanced take-down.

This nice old lady is a killer, she might not look the part but she is, trust me.

Instead of a skill tree you now have perks, just like FC5. You earn perk points by doing challenges like killing ten enemies with a handgun. After a specific part of the main story you get access to some new perks which I found unnecessary. Honestly, if I knew what these silly perks exactly did, I would had never unlocked them, though that’s a personal opinion as I am almost certain that some people will like them.

He seriously expects me to take the apple?! I am no Snow White father, oh wait wrong book.

Weapons customization is completely gone. All weapons are pre-made and there is no way for you to make any modifications no matter the weapon you choose. To be honest, I didn’t really mind that very much. However, I was really annoyed by the newly introduced weapon rarity level system. Due to this system, players will need a level X weapon to kill a level X enemy as anything below that feels like a water-gun. At least almost every weapon feels unique and has different stats.

“You will be the Shepard of my people” – Joseph Seed.

Surprisingly enough. there are no fetch missions or annoying side-quests in New Dawn. All of the side content is tied to the main story. I am truly amazed that there isn’t any of Ubisoft’s classic fetching crap flooding the map. Speaking of the map, it is smaller than before and most of the surrounding areas are radioactive (thus impassible). Furthermore, Ubisoft did something interesting with the outposts this time around. In the previous Far Cry games, players could liberate outposts and after that they could use them as resupply centers and/or fast travel points. This time if you capture an outpost, you can abandon it and the enemy will take it back from you. You can then re-capture it though it will be much harder as enemies will be tougher (though the rewards will also be better).

The Cap after a bloody fight taking over an outpost. I wonder who cleans all the mess he leaves behind.

The most important currency in the game is Ethanol (which translates to power fuel) and Prosperity, being your home-base, needs several things to expand and grow. You can upgrade many parts of Prosperity, like the infirmary or the garage, and you need Ethanol in order to upgrade them (which you get mainly by capturing outposts). There are three upgrade stages, with each stage providing different bonuses. The only thing that needs more resources than Ethanol, so that it can be further upgraded, is the main building (as it requires specific people called Specialists so that they can operate specific sections of your home-base). I honestly prefer this way of upgrading your base compared to the older games in which you had to hunt numerous animals to get skins for crafting better equipment. At least this makes more sense now.

It’s so funny that they think they can put me down with fists and bats when I have already killed hundreds of them, just by staring at them. They should be fleeing up the mountains crying for their mommies.

One great addition to the game are the Expeditions. These missions are taking place in different locations outside Montana (like San Francisco) and they have a very simple goal; steal shit from the Highwaymen (so the baddies are all over the states but live in Montana? And you also fly all the way to these locations with a chopper? Oh well). These missions are a nice break from the green fields of Hope County and can be done solo or with a gun for hire.

“They penetrated our defenses so deeply” – Bean, creator of Wikibeania, after the attack on Prosperity.

Speaking of which, and just like the previous FC game, guns for hire are back. These are people or animals who are willing to follow your command into battle, from a cute doggy to an angry wild boar and from an old lady with a sniper to a guy with a mask and bow who says absolutely nothing in the whole game (he just moans a lot… and he sucks by the way). In order to recruit them you will usually have to do a mission involving them like rescuing some nice doggies from some evil twisted motherfuckers who are butchering them. My doggy, by the way, had more than a hundred kills.

I fed these guys to the dogs, stupidity is untreatable anyways.

As for the game’s boss fights… well… they are awful. I mean… OK… I get it; it is not that easy to make a memorable boss fight in a, mostly, realistic first person shooter. However, making your boss absorb enemy fire like Sponge-Bob is not the freaking solution. Put some armour on them or do the hide and seek trick, make it a melee-only fight, hell even make a god damn QTE-fest sequence like Far Cry 3 did; it will still feel better than what we get in New Dawn. Seriously, in the final fight the boss had 3 arrows stuck in its damned head for the first three seconds of the cut-scene… it was ridiculous I tell you.

The Rye family reunited! Even after everything I have done I still don’t get a hug. Ungrateful bastards!

“Even if there are less cars now people still drive like assholes” – Gina after being hit by another vehicle.

Oh, and in case you’re wondering, there are microtransactions in the game. Truth be told they are not intrusive and you can get almost everything with the in-game currency, but if you want to unlock every single weapon then get ready for some glorious grinding. Microtransactions have no place in a single player game in my opinion. It’s unacceptable, plain and simple.

Currency for microtransactions. I donated all of mine to my pet friends.

In conclusion, Far Cry: New Dawn is OK. It’s certainly not the best Far Cry game but it’s way better than the previous one (even if you include all of its DLCs). Is it worth purchasing and playing it right now? Maybe. All I can say is that I didn’t encounter any problem that could ruin my experience (I mean it doesn’t have the awful and crazy spawn times that were happening in the previous game). If you liked Far Cry 5, chances are you will also like this one. If you lost interest in the series after Far Cry 3 then this might also be a nice breath of fresh air. At least it was for me and it has been a while since I had fun with a Far Cry game.

  Melee

Stealth

Shooting

Upgrades

Cover System

No Busy Work

Weapon Variety

Villains

Boss Fights

Freaking Pink

RPG Elements

Silent Protagonist

Microtransactions

Lack of Customization

        Playtime: 17+ hours total

Computer Specs: CPU: i5 4440, GPU: MSI 960GTX 4GB, RAM: G.Skill Ripjaws X 8GB HDD: Crucial 275GB MX300, OS: Win7, 1080p

Far Cry: New Dawn Review published first on https://touchgen.tumblr.com/

[baivatu]

Oxford University Interview

A few days after my Chevening Interview, I received an email from one of my university choices that I was scheduled for a Skype session exactly one week after my previous  lack lustre interview. As I continued my research on interviews, I began to doubt myself thinking that maybe I was a bit too confident with my choices. Oxford, as the bloggers continually mentioned was very selective with their students. Being the world's number one university, I did not blame them at all. Preparations became more casual as my thought process already accepted defeat. I was good enough to make the interview to a university that most of us have only dreamed of attending, so I was happy either way the outcome went. Being 12 hours ahead of UK, the interview was scheduled for my 8pm. Sitting in the conference room after everyone left work, I started hyperventilating. The words I read swirled together in a blur of print. Sweaty and tachycardic in the air conditioned room, I pushed through with catching up on the latest developments in global health issues. After countless cups of potent coffee and numerous trips to the bathroom, the Skype call finally came through. Due to technical difficulties (Third World Connection problems) we finally managed to connect after the third try and two location changes. I have never felt so intimidated as I came to a digital face to face with the three interviewers. These were specialists and at the top of their game in a field I was trying to break into and I could not bullshit my way through this interview. The poor connection was a blessing in disguise as it made it seem more casual with a lot of laughs from all three Skype sites (one was connected from the programme's practical site in an African country) as the interview started. We breezed through the questions and I tried to answer with as much honesty as possible. At one point, I had to stop and asked the panel if I could restart with my answer as I felt that my train of thought was hurtling down an unstable track. After a deep breath, I continued with confidence. Oxbridge interviews as they are called are truly a screening test and I am glad I went through the blogs and videos in the few days leading up to that Skype session. You are not expected to know a lot about what you're going to study (International Health and Tropical Medicine for me) but you need to show them your thought process as you are answering the questions because they are trying to see if you are teachable. There were some curve balls thrown at me where I had to stop and think before I loudly articulated how I was thinking of tackling the problem at hand. I only had one question for them which was how soon was I going to find out about the final outcome of the application process. (I had to show I was really interested in the programme). All in all, I felt that this interview went way better than my Chevening one. Now the wait begins for the two outcomes. Fingers crossed, eyes crossed, legs crossed, everything crossed HAHAHA