#it sound silly but i truly felt like they were the only remotely feminine thing abt me

[psychrodraws]

Was going through old videos and I found this one from January back when my nails were fucking INSANE, I really ought to give that a try again in the future. And they were real, too! No acrylics in sight!

[crybabytoy59]

Double trouble....

I placed my ad.....I knew the chance of anyone replying was very slim but felt my emotional clock Was ticking, it laid out my Desperately submissive feelings to be both a bondage little & be allowed to cry......

Ages passed with not a single reply, but one day I got a message from a girl she told me that we needed to talk about my nner Little” as she & her partner had read my story and understood how I felt, she told me that they would both love to help me come to terms with who I held inside of me....this led to many FaceTime chats with a condition they would view me but I would not be allowed to see them until any “Little Playtime” ..lots of emails later, I had become far more relaxed with them, I agreed to finance the purchase of some items and equipment they wanted to use on me...I found this very exciting the very thought of these two girls buying bdsm items to use on me along with sissy abdl attire....they gave me a long weekend date and I forward them the Cost of all the things they had in mind to cover my “Little Weekend “ all that was left was me and my arrangement of travel to see them.

That’s how it found me now sitting on the plane to the highland town of Inverness, on landing I took a taxi to the post code I had been given, a small cottage by a remote loch....as I got out of the taxi I felt like I was going to pass out my heart was racing so fast ! Walking up to the door as the taxi left I took a deep breath and knocked the door....my mind in overdrive as I had only ever heard there voices without having seen them, even though they had both seen me.....

As the door opened I was met by Rebecca she was stunning at 5’8 with red hair she could have been a living Meredith from Brave, she spoke to me “ Hi Sweetheart in you come, first door on the left is the sitting room” as I passed I could smell a mix of baby powder & baby oil from her, she had on blue jeans and a white T shirt her bust was quite full and she was very curvy at around mid 30’s. As I passed her she playfully patted my rear mocking “Not that you will be doing much Sitting Sweetheart Eh?” I try’d an uncomfortable chuckle saying “Em’er guess not” as I entered the sitting room Sadie was already stood up too meet me,her best friend from school they had become both childhood friends then lovers,they now wanted a new dynamic to there relationship having both try’d bdsm sub Dom on each other, but had found they both craved there inner Dominant feelings, so flicking through some submissive ads, that’s how they had found mine ..

Rebecca instantly showed it to Sadie as she was a nurse at one of the local neurological hospitals who’s specialist care team Sadie was a member of, Rebecca on the other hand was a sculptor she made one off steel sculptures. Sadie was around 5’5 with a slightly heavier build than Rebecca her jet black hair frames a very long face her high cheekbones gave her the warmest of smiles, as she stepped forward to hug Me a tightly wound embrace that felt so very tender & genuine she spoke to me at my ear “Hello little one are you ready to be who you truly are?” My answer was soft but swift ..Yes Mummy Sadie am ready... Sadie didn’t let me go she simply continued “No sweetheart ask properly using your real name and In your real voice...(I knew what she wanted as the stirring in my pants started to tingle the submissive in me spoke even softer... pweese Mummy Sadie Cowan I bwee Crybabysissypants) Why yes little one but who else must you ask? As I again spoke like a two year old lisping out my request for Mummy Rebecca to hear. I heard her behind me “CleverBaby Open Wide !” As I did Rebecca pushed a very large dummy into my mouth then pulled on a stretch black hood as everything went black...Sadie spoke “Clever Baby all fours for us Crybabysissypants “ I felt a collar being fastened around my neck then a clipping sound as Mummy Sadie spoke “Let’s get your punishment taken care of then we can dress our New baby for the day in her bouncer!” I heard them both giggling as I was tugged to another room it had a cold solid floor.... they proceeded to strip me naked then kneel for them Mummy Rebecca then put leather mittens on me then helped me too my feet  Mummy Sadie rubbed my tummy “Handies above your headie Crybabysissypants “ as I did they were cuffed “Open your leggies wide Crybabysissypants..clever Baby” Mummy Rebecca told me. The hood was now being removed & I blinked as my surroundings came into focus I was in a garage facing the double door the room was warm. Mummy Sadie appeared in front of me smiling she spoke to me “Now Crybabysissypants Mummy Rebecca is going to spank you,she will use various punishment items ! as she spanks you I don’t want to see you break this beam.....( Mummy Rebecca patted my bottom) “ tootsies back as far as you can please Crybabysissypants.... Clever Baby Now push Your botty Out So Mummy can spank you....there we go Mummy Sadie!” A red laser light appeared at my crotch not more than 4” away!! Mummy Sadie Spoke “Ok Sweetheart now As Mummy Rebecca spanks our Crybabysissypants You will not break my beam if you do this will happen ( she put her hand out to cut the beam & a bleep sounded !) if that happens Mummy Rebecca will hold your cute hippies & Mummy Sadie will kick you between your leggies so you learn to keep still for your punishments....So all ready Crybabysissypants let’s get started..Mummy Rebecca!” ....I felt the first spank a simple hand spanking that was not that bad as it continued I couldn’t help but get turned on this made Mummy Sadie mock me “Tut tut Crybabysissypants this is a punishment not a pleasure silly Baby !....Mummy Rebecca Baby is Being Very Naughty !,” Suddenly Mummy Rebecca spanked me full force ! she was surprisingly strong as I whimpered she picked up the pace Spanking far more rapidly too each cheek ..Suddenly there was a bleeping ! They said nothing Mummy Rebecca simply took hold of my hips as Mummy Sadie swung her leg to a loud squeal from me ! She then barked at me “Get backwards to Mummy Rebecca!!!” Then Mummy Rebecca chimed in “Arch back botty out for Me to punish Crybabysissypants... Clever Baby Stay still I heard a swish then the bite of a heavy leather flogger !!...blow after blow rained down on My rear then suddenly she hit me twice in different directions Full force ! I couldn’t help but move as the bleep went off ! Mummy Rebecca pushed me forward almost off my feet as Mummy Sadie swung her foot this time much harder connecting fully I spat my dummy out blurting “Please Mummy Sadie am sorry for breaking your beam...Sorry Mummy Rebecca for moving away !! I hung panting though the pain....as Mummy Rebecca joined Mummy Sadie kissing her passionately right in front of me..Mummy Sadie looked right at me with a cold stare that truly chilled me ! “Crybabysissypants who said you could use big words !! Before I could reply Mummy Rebecca took hold of my sissy jewels digging her long nails into me “Open that Naughty Mouth Wide Crybabysissypants !” She had a gag with a face harness it was a dummy but with a down turned pink cock veins and all ! It was 4” long, she pushed it into my mouth as I wrenched at it touching the back of my throat  ! She again barked at me “Position Crybabysissypants & don’t you dare be sick !!....Baby You Are Going To Learn To Do What Your Told When Your Told....Take a Deep Breath !!” She lifted a long leather paddle swinging it with both hand it crashed into my rear with an explosion of white hot pain !! I burst out Crying!, I had only been with them less than an hour and I was struggling, worse still they both knew it..as I could smell both of them now the smell of feminine sex was unmistakable in my current Submissive state....I stayed still only my body jerking....”I think someone is a fast learner Mummy Sadie !” She giggled as Mummy Rebecca swished a cane through the air ! “Well we are about to find out Mummy Rebecca !” I was truly scared of this pair they both loved dominance and sadistic controlling I had Never been caned in my life before ! I was Crying hysterically howling past the gagging that I was swoo vwery sworry ! Mummy Rebecca kissed the back of my neck playing with my right nipple “Are You Crybabysissypants Are you sorry....Ok Sweetheart show us..Mummy Rebecca is going to cane you hard six times you can cry out All you wish but Do Not Move ! If you don’t break the beam I will stop punishing You...Deal ? ..Clever Baby lets see” I heard the swish then a pain like no other by six I was dancing hysterically but did not break the beam..... “Clever Crybabysissypants relax Now it’s ok that was a clever Baby ..Mummy Rebecca won’t spank you anymore “ Mummy Sadie had put the beam off.....”just one last thing Crybabysissypants......You were a good Baby for me...so now be a Good Baby for Mummy Sadie!!” As she stepped out the way Mummy Sadie was already swinging her leg back & forth as she spoke “Now Crybabysissypants Deep Breath & Hold for my SIX !” The chain from the ceiling jerked with the force of her kick...she let me settle then again told me to take a Deep Breath & Hold....this time she took longer to swing her foot each time she punished me Mummy Sadie would take more time so I was more desperate for air...by six I was a sobbing wreck....They both kissed again as they watched the spectacle in front of them....Me.....Mummy Rebecca started teasing my nipples then spoke “Crybabysissypants what a Pathetic Thing You Are..Eh ? (I mumbled out what she wanted of me) Clever Baby Yes You Are..But don’t fret Crybabysissypants we are going to make you such a pathetic Thing you will show complete Obedience.....let’slet’s get you prepared for the bouncer” they both laughed a Deep WKD laughter!!!!.....I was lead to the chair I yelped as they sat me into it as Mummy closed the top over I felt very scared at the level of vulnerability this steel chair brought as I could no longer move only slight movement was all I could not even follow them as they moved around the room getting equipped for my next stage as the steel helmet shape allowed only very minimal head movement Mummy Rebecca appeared over me “Now Crybabysissypants have you been a Clever Baby and stuck too your diet?” I nodded to her then felt lub at my rear as Mummy Sadie pushed an enema tube up inside me she inflated the retention bulb giving it a tug to ensure it stayed put....she opened the valve then stood next too Mummy Rebecca...they kissed again then Mummy Sadie Spoke to me “This is a Very special mix Baby it’s going to fill you Very full so when your Full we want you to tell us by shouting out Gaga Ok? Clever Baby lets try that hhmmm” they both laughed “No silly Baby loud!! ...better but Mummy help you Sweetheart “ I screamed out GAGA !!!!! As Mummy Sadie was squeezing my balls ! “Clever Baby much better like that when your Fucking Told But First Time Fuck Toy !!!!”

I hung panting as the filling made its self known Mummy Rebecca kept rubbing my tummy, I shouted into my Gagging GAGA .... Mummy Sadie stopped the filling as Mummy Rebecca started really pushing at my tummy working the enema Deep up into my intestines ! Mummy Sadie smiled down at me she spoke “ Clever Crybabysissypants that’s the first half in now the second half try to relax as Crybabysissypants You Are Taking Ever Last Drop Of Your Enema Sweetheart !,” I started crying again..Mummy Rebecca stroked my face “Clever Baby Be brave ....Cry All you want Sweetheart it’s just so cute....( I burst out Crying fully at her sexual abuse of my inner sissy) Aaawwww Sweetheart think we Care ? “ they both laughed as I started writhing trying to relive the terrible cramping pains that were now hitting me in waves.....

As they set about letting me down I was gagging due to the cock gagging pushing at my throat!! Mummy Sadie spoke “Crybabysissypants remember what Mummy Rebecca told You Baby No being sick ! Now all fours again” as I did Mummy Rebecca clipped the lead back on my collar tugging me forward, i scurried behind her due to the gag as if I kept the lead slack it eased the gagging feeling, Mummy opened a door to my new room !!

Everything was pink the walls had pink Winnie the Pooh wallpaper, a large pink cot with winnie cartoon characters at its head end the covers were Pooh bear also, a large pink changing mat, in the corner was the pink bouncer harnessing open at the ready, but the centrepiece of the room was a stainless steel high chair it was made up of lots of thin steel rods bent to form this bit of furniture strapping hung from it All over the framing but it had a mirrored section opened to its left that could be closed encasing the person inside.Where this was sitting the flooring was sloping to a drain underneath the chair.... next to the Changing mat was a manikin on this was a huge pink dress frillys everywhere !! Mummy Rebecca tugged my lead “Crybabysissypants on the changing Mat Now” scurrying I did as told as I had No desire to be punished further, Mummy Sadie handed her lotions she stared putting them over me as she did my skin started to heat up, this made me whimper Mummy Sadie seemed to like this “Aawww Mummy Rebecca listen to Crybabysissypants cuteness making baby noises for us...Clever Baby!!” Again They started kissing in front of me but not light kissing Deep passion driven lust rubbing each other’s sex right in front of me! As the heat on my skin built.they parted there embrace Mummy Rebecca spoke to me patting my face “Naughty Baby look how hot your making us Crybabysissypants ! Let’s get you prepared Madam !” Mummy Sadie lofted a small bucket and large paper wipes, then wiped down my leg in one rapid motion she wiped the cream away in the paper was the hair from my legs ! They were now bare next was my crotch followed by my rear, under arms, then chest Mummy Rebecca suddenly sat on my chest “ Lift your headie Baby!!” She unfastened the dummy gag, I opened my mouth for her but she pushed it back in “Ah Ah Crybabysissypants keep your sissy Dummy in & No talking Madam !” Mummy Sadie started cutting my hair off with a clipper ! Then put cream on my head I again whimpered as they were beginning to scare me slightly, as if reading my mind Mummy Rebecca told me to give Mummy Sadie my handies! She was now knelt at my head she made me push my hands into pink bondage mittens pulling the buckles tightly she then clipped them to my collar & spoke “There we go Mummy Rebecca that save Baby being Naughty !..Spread your leggies for us Crybabysissypants..wider Madam!!... clever Baby “ she went to my legs as she did I noticed Mummy Rebecca was rocking slowly on my chest I could smell her sex as this was very obviously turning her on ! I felt Mummy Sadie at my crotch slowly running her hand over my shaft I was very turned on by what was happening plus the smell from Mummy Rebecca was over powering me... She looked down at me smiling “Clever Baby just relax for Us Crybabysissypants “ I felt something pushing up inside me as Mummy Sadie pushed a catheter inside me..... slowly using the inflation syringe to seal it home, Mummy Rebecca had a large syringe that had green fluid in it past my tears I could see it looked around a Pint ! I really started crying Openly in front of them this seemed to both please them & spur them on as the next cramp came I screamed into the gag as it passed Mummy Sadie appeared over me “Look at me Crybabysissypants Your almost there be a good Baby & we are going to let you up & get you dressed for the bouncer...Ok Baby slow your breathing...that’s a clever Baby.... here we Go..! Mummy Rebecca Baby is ready now....(I felt hotness enter my bladder..more and more... I started struggling in the frame) Hush Hush now Baby( she looked at Rebecca) No don’t slow keep pushing it all in she can take it All darling ... can’t you Crybabysissypants Clever Baby All Done !” The syringe was removed & I felt the chair open they both took an arm each & spoke together “Up we come Baby... that’s a clever Baby down on All fours now Sweetheart... good baby crawl to the changing mat” even the smallest movement was absolutely pain inducing!! As I rolled on my back I had to curl into a ball such was the tummy cramp, this made them giggle as I relaxed Mummy Rebecca put white cream on me all over my crotch and bottom, next Mummy Sadie took my hands above my head, as Mummy Rebecca put something around my balls then something under the head of my clittie , next she put a sticky pad on each inner thigh as Mummy Sadie handed her the biggest nappy I had ever seen this she taped on tightly running some wires up to my side tapping them there she lifted rubber pants they were clear with high waist band & thigh bands.. she was smiling as she patted the huge mound firmly to a loud dull Thudding ! “Sit up for us Baby...Clever Baby handies out!” Mummy Sadie had a pink pvc dress it too was huge with a pvc undress that made the hem stick out at 90deg as she zipped it up the rear I Squealed into the gagging as another cramp hit my bowels, again they giggled as Mummy Sadie pulled me backwards again pulling my arms up she pushed pink mittens on me buckled tightly she suddenly stool over me “Handies wide palms up Crybabysissypants Do it Now !” As I did she put a heal of each boot into the palm of my hands then barked at me “Crybabysissypants point your feet for us !! No Baby flatter ! Clever Baby hold still don’t Dare Fucking Move !” I felt tugging at my right foot then a compression like no other up my leg my whole leg was en’point & held ridged with utterly No movement!! They were now starting to truly frighten me with the level of there Dominance !! As the second boot was fitted Mummy Sadie would put pressure on my hands as a cramp approach started to building force Mummy Rebecca held my legs painfully down at my knees.... This time I roared into the gagging tears streaming from me !!! Mummy Sadie spoke “That’s her ready let’s get Crybabysissypants in the bouncer so we can have some Real Fun” I was hauled up & dragged to the suspension frame Mummy Sadie strapped on the harnessing it looked like baby reins ! Mummy Rebecca cuffed my legs shoulder width apart then she bucked the two thick pink leather straps around each thigh top, feeding the cables from them to the winch mechanisms They both stepped back as I wobbled unsteady in the full length pink leather boots!! Mummy Rebecca spoke to me “Crybabysissypants arch backward & look up at the ceiling for us ..(Mummy Sadie fitted a high posture collar holding my head backwards) ..Clever Baby girlie up we Go !!!” As i lifted off the ground my legs were pulled outward so I had to bend them outward in a diamond shape to relieve the stress but my arms behind me were rising also as this all happened a cramp hit...I pleaded genuinely into the gagging to have this stop..Mummy Sadie Spanked my thigh hard “No talking Crybabysissypants we Told you only GAGA’S from you Pain Toy !!!....Now Deep Breath for Mummy Rebecca !” As the crap hit fully the pressure came out the higgens Tube ! My rear exploded in an evacuation of my Bowels instantly bulging outward... they both clapped laughing “That’s a clever Baby girlie Go Poopies for Us Pain Toy !!!” They started kissing again as I bounced around pushing out the enema mix.... the front of my nappy was going green as I now wet myself, I had not noticed Mummy Rebecca opening the catheter to my now free-flowing bladder ! ..

Mummy Sadie looked strangely at me then spoke “Mummies are going to have some fun now Sweetheart but we want you to play in your bouncer for us Crybabysissypants off You Go Pain Toy !,” She pointed a remote at me ? I suddenly felt a jolt at my thighs causing me to jerk bouncing me more, then a shock to my balls and clitte..they both giggled as I jerked forwards a random pattern started each cycle got more painful until & was squealing into my cock gag....GAGA GAGA !!!!! My new Mummy’s stared making love there pleasure of my suffering now Very evident ....more bowel movement happened as the shocks grew...tears streaming from me they both climaxed collapsing onto each other..looking up at me Mummy Sadie Spoke “Let’s Get her Down so we can give her a nice feed....think Crybabysissypants has lots more room for More poopies...what you think Mummy Rebecca?” Mummy Rebecca stood up naked as I bounced around crying she patted my bulging Nappy then mocked “Let’s put her in the chair I think then I can used my special Gagging equipment & you can use your nice feeding tube..won’t that be nice Crybabysissypants...but not for you Sweetheart....Not for our cute Pain Toy”.......Mummy Rebecca patted the front of my nappy cooing “Crybabysissypants is our girlie trying to mess the front of her Nappy too? Are you Baby...messy botty stinky girlie Mummy help you” Rebecca swung me back and forth as the jolts came Suddenly I stopped abruptly to a loud thud the bulge at my rear spread out as Mummy Sadie hit me with a large wooden paddle firmly across the rear of my nappy! As she did she barked at me “You dirty wee girlie Crybabysissypants Your making Mummy Sadie very horny with your Crybaby tears (thud !) Dirty filthy wee Pain Toy Squeal Louder Mummy Rebecca & I want too hear you ! Louder Baby...No Fucking Louder !, Clever girlie you Do as Your Told First time (Thud) ..Pain Toy !!”

I was yelling GAGA’S hysterically into the gagging....tears streaming from me not because of the pain or the humiliation....I was so very deeply in my own submissive feelings Deeper than Anyone had Ever pushed me....I just wanted to serve these two goddesses with my Very being....for me I knew they were just warming up....I was now going too be pushed much Deeper into Submission...further than even I would care to admit too.....as my New Mummies kissed Mummy Rebecca opened the steel chair....”Let’s Get you down and into the Punishment Chair !... so many Tears Sweetheart “.......

[andlikelions]

Like This & Like That

In the not so distant past I was frantically shuffling through nursing school with my eye on a promise that the choice I had made would provide security for my family and a colorful career for myself. I have never put more trust into anything before, and much of it felt entirely blind. It’s very unusual for me to blindly go all in without clear definition of what will be the product. I am historically a control freak.

I came from a very regimented structured program and university that very strongly advocated for its nursing graduates to move into either education, administration, military, or intense hospital nursing. It wasn’t a spoken rule by any measure but certainly that’s what seemed to get everyone all warm and fuzzy. My peers listed off their hopes of working in the Air Force, becoming neonatal intensive care unit nurses, neuro-oncology nurses.. wound care nurses.. the things you probably picture nurses to do with their skills and education. I’ll never forget what a graduating senior said to a group of us new sophomores who hadn’t had clinical experience yet, “if you don’t enjoy your medsurg clinical you probably shouldn’t be a nurse”. Daunting. It crippled my good friend right out of nursing school and normally that’s what would’ve happened to me too.

The pragmatic higher thinking part of my adult brain overrode that silly statement. I think my life experience up to that point was able to see beyond oversimplifications like that. So I continued to trust and invest all the while getting older, deeper into debt, and further involved in existential questions of my my purpose and my abilities as a woman and a creature.

I stand where I am now in awe and disbelief. Since I graduated and passed my boards I haven’t been able to fathom the unveiling of opportunities. People have been coming to me to request I apply to work with or for them including at the Plainfield Health Center, the Vermont Department of Health as a nurse epidemiologist, in multiple areas of multiple different hospitals..

Overwhelming isn’t the word. Joyful? Proud? I don’t know what the word is. I am in awe and amazed at my accomplishment. I truly did not believe I possessed the ability to create a new branch and path in my family’s story.

Nursing isn’t rocket science, but it certainly is rigorous in several ways including what felt like the ultimate test of character. Academically challenging for sure, but it was so much more than that. Prior in my life I’ve gained praise for my demeanor and dedication, not the case in nursing school. I felt, as we all did, that we were not worthy of the title we were after. I craved proving my will to myself. It’s sort of sadistic in a way.

Now that it’s all over and the death of my daughter has broken me down to my core, I feel as though I’ve been granted a new beginning. It really feels like starting all over again. Being reborn only this time I trust myself a little more. I’m reborn with skills and tools and have strong value. I also determined the senior with all of her nursing wisdom was wrong. We are not all cut out for hospital nursing as we all shouldn't be.

Five or so months ago I couldn’t have ever pictured going back to work. I couldn’t picture healing myself let alone others, I couldn’t picture doing my laundry or minimally cleaning my house let alone maintaining infection control protocols in a hospital. If I woke up and Grace ate, the day was a success.

It was around Thanksgiving time that I spoke with my employer and conveyed that very message in a heartfelt monologue. Their response surprised me and left me feeling so not pressured to make up my mind. They kept me on the roster so that I’d still receive benefits (under FMLA) and offered to help me find work in another area of the organization IF that’s what I wanted. Otherwise they expressed a sincere willingness to offer recommendations and write referrals.

At that point I looked into their job openings and thought how impossible it would be to find a match. A match to what? What even was I? I was a brand new nurse, in thick grief, what could I offer? I couldn’t align myself to people around me, conversations felt so foreign and awkward.

The very first day I browsed job postings I saw an opening for a triage nurse at Montpelier Integrative Family Medicine. Well that’s too good to be true, working for a place that is willing to get creative and think outside the box but also be independent of way out there eclectic naturopathy. It is what it’s name implies, it’s integrative. No way. I talked with my liaison from the hospital who made some calls and found that in fact it was too good to be true. Understandably a triage nurse needs prior experience.

Time went on, I applied to a couple of other positions that didn’t appeal to me but felt an obligation to put in some effort. In mid-February another job at Montpelier Integrative opened up. It was full time though and that didn’t sound remotely possible to me. Being away for 9 hours per day, 5 days per week? Couldn’t do it.

Meanwhile I went back to my old position at the hospital. My coworkers were as inviting and welcoming back as they could possibly have been, and the support was all I could ask for. The nature of the work mixed with the crazy hours on the other hand. I just could not set aside the interference of my circumstances playing on a reel through my mind. It kept me from being able to think in any depth and certainly kept me from being able to retain the volumes of details and contexts that I needed in order to even mildly effectively move through my day. Big fat no. Couldn’t do it.

My employer said they would extend my leave again, but this time the resources were sort of exhausted so I would need to be hired into a new position by the end of March or else they’d have to let me go. I decided it was time to dig into Montpelier Integrative a little more. And I thought about my criteria. One of my criteria was to not work crazy hours.. but I also had to weigh being able to walk at lunch time (rather than swallowing lunch whole while trying to chart on my patients), I could have Ashton and Grace come visit for lunch. Another factor that had to be seriously considered was weekends and holidays. The profession I got myself into works around the clock in all elements of weather, to not worry about holidays in an office setting was certainly a perk.

I thought and weighed and rearranged all that I could to try and think up a scenario that would fit the best and what I decided was that I hoped to work no more than part time.

I submitted my application on a Monday, by Thursday HR had contacted the practice to see what the status was. They already had plans to interview me. What?! Don’t get my hopes up, it may not be what I dreamed, in fact it probably is not, and furthermore the position I applied for was full time. My hope was to get an interview and see if there was any flexibility.

They called me for an interview the following week. It’s in a great location, near downtown as opposed to isolated just off the highway with no real great place to walk during a break.

I realized that I don’t get nervous for interviews at all anymore. I don’t know when the shift happened but I don’t get caught up in my head stressing about it, not beforehand or during.

The office has a weird layout but it’s doable. They at least talked emphatically about a plan to renovate soon. Change. I like it.

Two nurses interviewed me, one is an office nurse who would be my partner, she’s been working there for about 8 months. Prior to that she was an ED nurse at CVMC and also worked as a float around the hospital. She was intimidating. But intimidating means something very different to me now. I’m an adult, I have value and skills, I am a mother, I have accomplished a lot, the feeling of being intimidated is only a feeling not a quality or trait of mine. The other nurse is the practice manager. She’s intense but the kind that made me feel she could be trusted to have her nurses backs if push came to shove. She’s very alpha female but with more of the feminine traits- understanding and compassionate- and less of the masculine domineering ones.

Early in the interview she said firmly that the position was full time, I saw no opening or invite for negotiation. So from that point on in the interview I didn’t do much of anything at all to sell myself, I turned it around and wanted to be sold the position. I felt like my sacrifices had to be worth it and wanted proof of it.

They were really into me despite my secret reservations, I could tell they were interested in my experience and my aura. They talked about the position as though it were already mine using phrases like, “this is what you’ll be doing”. They gave me a tour and introduced me to the other nurses and the provider who I would be working for.

I left kind of bummed. How could I reconcile 40 hours per week? I spent a few days minimally thinking about it. I had sort of written it off, especially after one night when I decided there was no way I could part with my counseling visits. I sort of forgot about it.

I went back to the drawing board and was far far less inspired. I just had an interview at the only place I could envision being a nurse at this point in time and have all but turned it away. How was I going to find a fit? Nothing felt right.

I put my thoughts together and finally decided to send the hiring nurse an email. She told me to contact her by email with any questions. I wrote thanking her for her time and for the opportunity but that I didn’t think it were possible for me to walk away from the routines I have developed to help me cope. As I wrote it, I found myself reeeeaaally wanting her to find a way to make it work for me, but for how firm she was in the interview I felt like it was no use. I typed it in there anyway “if there is any adjustment that can be made to fit my life in where I need it…”

I had it all typed and ready to send. Ashton was beside me, and so I started reading it to him for a final check before I sent it off to its doom. Just as I got to the second paragraph my phone rang. It was Gail, the office manager.

I didn’t know what to say, but I did because I had just rehearsed it for the last hour. She was giddy with excitement, she had several ways of describing how much they wanted me to come work with them. She was far more emphatic than she was in the interview. I said, “I just have to be honest, I can’t leave counseling and other commitments that I have made to myself”, she said, “I am a flexible manager and I will make anything you need to work, work. Don’t you worry about that”. I also said we finalized a plan to take a trip to Austin in 3 weeks. Done. She said she’ll list it as a condition of being hired. I accepted the offer. I took a $1.24 pay cut, which was a surprise, I was expecting a more dramatic drop in pay. I don’t lose benefits, I don’t change organizations.. I qualify for short term disability now, I qualify for 28 days off per year..

I don’t know exactly what I need, but I feel like I’m doing the right thing. Grace is in daycare 3 days per week as it is. I asked Ashton if he could bring Grace to me for lunch on her off days. I’ll be able to see her when she wakes up, I’ll be able to have dinner with her, and weekends and holidays, and all the while I’ll be able to establish some financial stability for us. A major major factor was benefits. In the current political climate keeping health insurance means even more to me than income.

Here we go, my life is about to change again. I hope to create a lens or filter that works for me to enjoy all aspects and not feel like any one area of importance to me is negated. Especially Grace. I think the routine will help for me to concentrate my time with her even more than I do now. Sort of like putting the oxygen on myself before others. I can do it. I can find balance, I just have to be willing to see it and know that it won’t always feel the same. I have to be vigilant about planning vacations and using my time off wisely.

I feel that this will anchor me in a way that I need right now. I need mental exhaustion in a different way.

I welcome more change, and am open to growing and learning.

Nothing ever has to be permanent, and it doesn’t ever have to be one or the other.

[worldofadvent]

NEO World of Advent Chapter Twenty

Author's Note: I'm thinking about changing the rating from T to M. This would allow me a bit more artistic freedom.

NEO World of Advent Chapter Twenty

Light found himself well and truly having earned his new nickname in the past three days. By mandate of house arrest, he had not been able to leave the room save for a quick hop on the track for exercise or go to the bathroom. His teammates brought him books to read with a tray of food, the only source of entertainment or distraction from his life's rapid downward spiral into chaos and confusion once more. They had been a constant companion as Mist decided what to do with him.

Mist hadn't seen him once, but the others told him that they hadn't seen any sign of her either. After their screaming match over the communication feed and Light's subsequent behavior, they pieced two and two together and figured out about Light and Mist's relationship. At Light's behest, they hadn't talked about it outside their small group, but the news was pretty shocking to them all. Orca especially.

Light smiled as he replayed the memory of Orca's slow coming to the realization that Rak was in fact, the winner of their bet and that he now owed the plucky Advent a yacht. Rak offered Orca the same out that he had offered Rak, but Orca told them he was a man of his word. Still, the stress of finding a discount yacht was apparent on the reploid's face when he brought Light a new book disguised as "Ten Thousand Way to Tie a Knot."

The others and he had done a lot of talking, lately. Even though Light was not allowed to leave the room, that did not prevent them from being able to enter his. They needed answers and he needed a distraction. It was an elegant solution to the mess they found themselves in. While Mist gave them orders by way of instant message as for how they should prepare for whatever maritime mishap might occur, their captain was essentially invisible. Some of them doubted whether she was still on the base with them.

"How did it happen," Fin wanted to know. He was her second in command and had known Mist the longest. He never specified what exactly, but Light knew what he meant. It was bound to be on all their minds, not just his. How could the famous daughter of Fairy Leviathan, Guardian of the Meikai Army have fallen for someone like him? Light told them he wished he knew himself, but that it didn't matter anyway.

"You heard her," Light said. "We're through. Finished. She wants to keep it professional." The words had pained him more than they would ever know, but he had to face the reality of his situation. He was a loner, even if not by choice, who couldn't even keep a simple job in the army without screwing it up. There was talk about how Mist might finally make good on her promise to court martial him.

There was a knock on the door. Light put the book down reluctantly; it was a rather good tale about a shipwrecked pirate and a baroness that had been stranded on a remote island together. Light found it comforting that even if he couldn't get a happy ending, the characters in his books still might get one. Light turned the knob of the door.

"Thanks guys," he said, "But I still haven't finished the last one."

"It's me." Light froze. He recognized that voice, feminine and full of snark, even if it had lust its luster at the moment. She sounded lost, defeated. A bit like he felt, Light thought savagely, and held the door open. She looked around. "I was afraid you wouldn't let me in."

"That would be disobeying orders, captain. We both know how much you don't like it when people do that," Light said, straining to keep his voice level.

Mist glared at him. "I did what I had to, alright? What would you have done?"

"Something else," Light said. "Anything but pretending like it never happened. Like we never happened, then getting yourself damn near killed. What, do you have something to prove? Do you think your mother will care if you die at sea too?"

Mist slapped him. It was a hard blow that stung bitterly. "You have no idea what it's like to be in a position of command. These people need me. Who cares if one silly little girl doesn't get what she wants? That's life. So stop pretending like the world owes you something and grow up."

"You think you owe them anything?" Light gave a harsh laugh as he rubbed his cheek. "Why? Because your mother told you that you did? That it was your civic duty to throw all your hopes and dreams, your fucking life away for the sake of the people just because you were born to Fairy Leviathan?" His breath was short, ragged. But he wasn't done just yet. "And you're wrong. I do know what it's like to have people depend on me. What do you think it's like out there, in the desert? I was in charge. I made sure we were safe. I made sure we didn't starve. I made sure no one died of heat stroke or froze to death."

"So how did you abandon them?" Mist sat down on his bed. Curiously, the question was devoid of any malice. It sounded genuine, as though she were looking for instructions.

"At the end of the day, everyone's just looking out for themselves. That's why those sailors didn't care that you were out there getting chased by a giant mechanloid. So long as it's them, they don't care. When push comes to shove, people always look after themselves first. What's so wrong with doing the same for yourself? Nobody ever lies on their deathbed thinking about how happy they were that they lived for someone else's sake."

Mist brought her face closer and looked as though she would slap him again. She kissed him instead, a look of self-loathing on her face when they broke apart. The kiss was short, nothing Orca or Rak would bring him in a book whose cover had been replaced. But it meant a lot to both of them, Light knew. "I'm scared," she admitted. "I've lived my whole life afraid of my own mother. I always thought that if I did the right thing, did what she told me to do, was the perfect commander, she would love me back." She gave a weak sniffle. "I just wanted to be wanted for once."

Light longed to kiss her, wipe away the tears. But he knew that a kiss wouldn't solve everything like it did in the movies. This was something they had to work out, together. "Who says your life is worth less than any of theirs? That's bullshit and you know it. This fatalistic martyrdom that you've got going on isn't healthy. Maybe you should start thinking about what you want instead of what your mother wants."

Mist gave a small, choked breath in and tried her best to look angry. "It's harder than it looks."

"Then I'll help you." Light held her hand, hoping she wouldn't swat it away or take hers out of it. "You say the word. If you want out, I'll be right beside you every step of the way."

"Okay." The voice was small, but carried the first, rebellious seeds of hope in them. Mist seemed unable to look him in the eye as she said so, but she didn't take her hand out of his, which he took as a good sign. "I can't tell you right now. Let me think about it, alright?"

"I'll be here." Light squeezed her hand and let go. "So what's my punishment?"

"Sorry?"

"Am I getting court martialed or what?" Light tapped the floor. "It's kind of annoying being in the dark here."

"No," Mist said. "But you did disobey a direct order, even if it was to save my life. I'm sorry Light, but I have no choice but to put you back on latrine duty." She held the smallest of fierce smiles as she said it. Even though her face was looking down at the floor, her expression seemed to be saying 'Take that, Mom.'

"Darn." Light grinned. "I guess now I have to deal with you making sure I do a good job, huh? You don't want me to miss a spot after all."

Mist laughed. It was the sound of years spent drowning in silence only to be at last given a hand to pull her out from underneath the surface. Her body shook, and she snorted as it receded. Light looked at her with some concern. "It wasn't that funny."

"I know," Mist said. "You are such a moron." She chuckled, wiping her face with her sleeve. "I guess it's a good thing I find idiots attractive."

Light brought his fist up in a victory pose. "Success! She likes me. I was afraid you thought I was horribly ugly or something."

"Because that's what girls do," Mist said with a hint of her old steel. "They have sex with ugly guys they don't like in grungy little flats."

"My room is not grungy," Light said. "You're thinking of the Black Sky. I'm pretty sure we didn't have sex there."

Mist hummed absentmindedly. "You really don't remember anything, do you?"

Light felt his face heat up. "Wait, what? No," he said as she got off the bed. "Don't leave. There's so much I have to know! We didn't actually do it there, did we?"

"I'll talk to you later," Mist said. "With your answer." Light watched her close the door gently, the agonizing promise of hope pulling his mind into a state of glorious confusion once more. She likes me, Light thought. She could still say 'No' of course, but Light made it his life's purpose to be there for her until she said 'Yes.' Even if it took anonymously sending her a thousand months' supply of condoms in the process.

An hour later, a bucket of soapy water and a sponge was sent to his door with a note that told him she wanted them spotless. Light picked up the metal pail, never before so happy to be told to scrub an entire military base's worth of residual scum in his entire life. Light found himself hoping for a time when he didn't have to settle. He could have the girl of his dreams and his best friends. Life loved to throw him curveballs, but that didn't mean he had to strike out. He just had to learn how to play its game and win.

Light made up his mind to visit the records after mopping the bathroom floors in record time. He had come to the military to find his friends; before Mist there had always been Sanctum's fiery red hair and Chaos's perpetual scowl. It was time he made good on the resources he had at his disposal. Light entered the room where records of the world's disasters were kept in order to monitor relevant threats. Under the guise of looking for shipwrecks, Light accessed one of the computers available.

A quick search for 'Chaos' and 'Sanctum' found hundreds of articles detailing the plight of refugees in search for a personal haven. Light groaned at the unfortunate details of his friends' names and decided to limit the search to 'Advent' and 'Colony.' 'Sand' was added as a quick afterthought. If nothing else, his old home had sand. Lots of sand.

There were a lot of articles on the destabilizing conditions of the desert people, but they mostly concerned the human royalty debating over whether they should keep sending supplies or not. It was only through browsing the cited works in an article claiming that it was a lost cause, that too many colonies had already collapsed for it to be worth Neo Arcadian investment. Curiously, Senator Crux seemed violently opposed to the idea, but Light shrugged it off. Whatever that man did wasn't his concern as of the moment, even if he were infamous for his outspoken hatred of Advents.

Light found his old colony among those that had fallen. It was a wound to his heart, but nothing he didn't already suspect. Each confirmed dead was a blow, but he persevered, hoping desperately to not find his best friends on the list. Thankfully, none of the names held as colorful a moniker as what they had chosen to be called. This was a start, Light thought. They're alive. Or at the very least, not confirmed dead. He looked into the date and cause of the colony's collapse, expecting a report about an attempt to absorb the colony into the city gone horribly wrong. Instead, the files on hand were sloppily written and often contradictory. One report said that a freak spree of heat flares caused the populace to perish while another told of rogue pantheons attacking.

Light's confusion kept him looking. Everywhere he tried to find the exact cause of the colony's death, however, was contradictory or uncertain until his access was completely denied with a flash of the Neo Arcadian symbol of royalty. "What the hell?" Light refreshed the page, but the symbol censored any of his further attempts at investigation. "This is Mist's base," Light said softly. "Who is blocking her access?"

Whatever the cause, he felt it were something Mist should know. Light sent her a private message from his communicator, apologizing for not giving her space, and that it was actually something purely occupational for once. Soon, Mist came inside, harried looking. "You better not have been lying about this being serious," Mist said, but trailed off as she saw the flashing symbol Neo Arcadia used to censor websites deemed too dangerous for the general public. "What the hell?"

"That's what I said." Light showed her his observations. "Whenever I try to access information about this colony in particular, I got this message. Once the system realized I was targeting it in particular, it shut me out."

"This shouldn't happen," Mist said. "I'm one of the Top 4, the Guardians' children. My access shouldn't have been revoked like this. The only people who have higher clearance than I do are the nobles or the Guardians themselves."

"What does that mean?" Light wanted answers. "That was my home, Mist. Something happened and whatever did happen, someone doesn't want me to find out."

"No, I get it. This really is serious." Mist browsed through the list of confirmed dead Light had thankfully screenshotted before his access was revoked. "This is so wrong." She tried a personal code, only to be blocked again. "You said this was your old colony?" She lowered her voice. "Does it have anything at all to do with your being the son of Zero, do you think?"

"No," Light said grimly, "But I think it might have something to do with being Umera's old hideout. He was the one who watched over us at first. He left," Light explained, "But he was definitely there."

"That's kind of the thing I might want to know," Mist said irritably. "In the future, don't keep stuff like this from me. I'm going to look into this, alright?"

"Got it, thanks." Light paused. "Have you given the matter any more thought?"

"Not now," Mist let him down, but gently. "But soon, I promise." She left the room with a physical copy of the death toll scanned on a photocopier. Light looked at the flashing symbol on the screen, hoping that would have good news for him upon her return, be it about their relationship or the status of whatever was jamming their access.

Light found Rak, who asked him if he had seen the Capo excitedly. Light told him that he had, but to keep it quiet. "This is pretty exciting," Rak said. "I never thought one of my friends would be embroiled in an epic t.v. romance." The two had a laugh about that.

"Who knows," Light said, mind still stuck on that flashing symbol. "Maybe things are going to get a lot more exciting."