#it really shows how stigmatized ocd is though

[aromacaque]

it's so crazy to me how many people don't know ocd gives you intrusive thoughts. that's literally the entire disorder. it's The intrusive thoughts disorder that's kinda it's whole thing

[the-ghost-king]

Schizophrenic Nico, here's why I think it's possible:

I want to start off by saying these are just my thoughts, there is no one way to be schizophrenic or to have schizophrenia. It's also important to note that many of the schizophrenic symptoms overlap with other mental illnesses/nuerodivergences like ADHD, Autism, Depression, and OCD which I know many people who head canon Nico as having. I'm not arguing schizophrenic Nico is more correct, more canon, or more right, but to explain some thoughts on why I think it's possible/very likely he does so I can use this for future reference in various thing.

I am using the term schizophrenia as a catchall for all "types" of schizophrenia, but not for schizoaffective disorder which I would say Nico probably doesn't have.

Children born in the winter/those who were "sickly" as babies are more likely to develop schizophrenia. It may also be possible if your mother was sick while pregnant with you, or having a father who was significantly older when he had you.

A stressful life, especially trauma, are more likely to develop schizophrenia or schizoaffective disorder. It likely has something to do with excessive dopamine production, but it may also have something to do with the same genes that control the sleep-wake cycle. Schizophrenia is more common with other mental illnesses or with other nuerodivergences or developmental delays.

Common symptoms include:

Hallucinations

Delusions

Disorganized thinking

lack of motivation

slow movement

change in sleep patterns

poor grooming or hygiene

changes in body language and emotions

less interest in social activities

Now what does this mean for Nico, and why do I think it's likely he has Schizophrenia?

Let's start with Nico's childhood, "children born in the winter/those who were "sickly" as babies are more likely to develop schizophrenia". Although Rick proposed two birthdays for Nico, the fandom generally accepted the January date more fully. We also know that Nico is described as small when he was younger, smallness is common in children who grow up sickly, but it is also common in children who's mother was ill while pregnant with them. We obviously don't know if Nico was sick as a kid, or if Maria was sick while pregnant with him, but again being born in the winter makes these things more likely, as well as consideration for the time period Nico grew up in and the larger variety of illnesses going around at the time. (He is vaccinated against some things though).

Trauma and Nico... do I really have to go into super detail on this one? He spent his childhood growing up in a fascist country that was extremely racist/anti-Semitic/homophobic/etc, his mom died when he was a child- in front of him, his father intentionally gave him amnesia, his sister died when he was a child, he then proceeded to become homeless living/spending lots of time with Minos who verbally (and possibly physically) abused him, becoming aware of his past memories, becoming aware of the fact that many people hated him because of his father and because they thought he was joining the other side (therefore, he was "bad"), he fought in many battles as a child, fought monsters alone, was often faced with life or death situations, went to Tartarus alone (where the goddess of misery told him he was "perfect"), was trapped in a hostage situation with little/no air for a long time while people debated whether or not to save him, was outed against his will, was freed only to travel again fighting monsters and then win a battle, was eventually made to quest with Apollo despite still having lots of healing to do in ToN. So stressful life? Fuck yeah, that doesn't being to cover it.

Genetic factors, obviously nothing here is confirmed so I'm speculating a little bit again, but the common idea in regards to Hades children through the series is that they are "bad". Mental illnesses have been stigmatized for hundreds, if not thousands of years, and often mentally ill people were made out to be weird/bad/etc. It's more than possible there is some sort of genetic factor taking place, also "having a father who was significantly older when he had you". Although I doubt godly genes work the same as mortal ones (trust me I have lots of thoughts on how god genetics/DNA work, but that's not the point right now), I think Hades being the oldest out of all his brothers and having a reputation for having "questionable" children says something... We have no information on Maria's family history at all.

As for schizophrenia often occurring with other mental illnesses and/or neurodivergences: Nico canonically is implied to have either ADHD and/or Autism, and is canonically stated to have PTSD. I think most people would agree that saying Nico has or has had depression isn't a stretch in the slightest.

So canonically we can all agree Nico has severe trauma and coinciding mental health issues/neurodivergences, so out of 4 possible issues I’ve first presented we guaranteeably have two. If I wanted to stretch this a little I would give myself a half point for him being born in the winter and a half point for the aspect of Hades genetics but I won’t do that.

On top of that schizophrenia usually appears during teenage and young adult years in people who receive diagnosis; most people live with mental illness for a few months or a few years in some cases before they're able to receive a diagnosis. Nico being 15 (16 by the end of ToN/shortly following the end of ToN) is about the age that schizophrenia would start to make an appearance. It's also more likely to be found in men, with men also noticing the appearance of schizophrenia appearing early in their lives, and experiencing more negative symptoms in comparison to the higher commonality of affective symptoms in women. That's a really complicated explanation to basically say there's 3 more things that would make Nico having schizophrenia make more sense.

Alright, let’s go back to the list of symptoms I provided:

Hallucinations

Delusions

Disorganized thinking

lack of motivation

slow movement

change in sleep patterns

poor grooming or hygiene

changes in body language and emotions/behavior

less interest in social activities

Once again, some of these are not solely related to schizophrenia and can be the result of other mental health issues, I’m just going to go down the list and add in some moments from the books in which Nico shows some of these traits/behaviors.

Delusions/Hallucinations (more later)

Our best chances for understanding Nico's thought process is in Blood of Olympus where he has a P.O.V... Sometimes Nico's thoughts do derail, or sometimes they get a little confusing, but not always, and when talking to others he is consistent and aware of what he's saying, as well as blunt. Anything "off" about his thought patterns to me just seems like ADHD..

Dietary changes (whether or not you think he has an eating disorder) are behavioral changes (I personally think Nico has AFRID)

Within House of Hades Nico's poor sleep patterns are constantly referenced, and I'll give him a pass on poor hygiene because he's in the middle of a quest but still..

I have extremely complicated feelings on what Will says here, it's possible Nico is an extremely unreliable narrator (unlikely, it seems many people are bothered by him and only maybe a handful aren't), I've also thought at many points this was Rick trying to backtrack some stuff with Nico because he realized he'd made his story a little too harsh for a kids book, it could also be Will's trauma kicking in and that happening... I'm not counting it as full proof about Nico disliking social interactions, but Nico does try to leave even after this conversation and isn't convinced to stay until the last chapter, so maybe there's something to be said about people's dislike of him for being a Hades kid- but I think it's fair to say Nico also dislikes people at least some because he doesn't have interest in trying to befriend anyone either, and is quick to assume all people dislike him (paranoia/low self esteem/and some other possible stuff). There's lots of discussions to be had about this quote and other similar ones, and I don't think a broad brush approach of "Nico good everyone else bad" is accurate it's more, "Nico is good but he fails to try and you have to work on your own mental health everyone won just go to you, and also people dislike Nico for silly reasons and need to get over themselves and make an effort too". (I'm extremely oversimplifying my thoughts and feelings to keep it brief.)

More on delusions and hallucinations:

Now I want to state that lots of schizophrenia symptoms share a lot of commonalities with ADHD and with depression, so although I might include some moments you think are just ADHD/depression I wouldn’t necessarily disagree with you but they could also be schizophrenia or coexisting mental health issues/divergences. I also went through the DSM-5 for schizophrenia (the DSM-5 is just this big book with lists and it’s how doctors diagnose any mental health issue/divergence), I also looked through the DSM-IV (an older book from before DSM-5 which is no longer really used) and the differences between the diagnosis was fairly minimal but they quit categorizing types of schizophrenia and instead rely more on a couple of word descriptions that seem more in line with a spectrum rather than a checkable box.

In order to receive a schizophrenia diagnosis, two (or more) of the following, each present for a significant portion of time during a 1-month period (or less if successfully treated), and at least one of these symptoms must be (1), (2), or (3):

Delusions

Hallucinations

Disorganized speech (frequent derailment or incoherence)

Grossly disorganized or catatonic behavior

Negative symptoms (i.e., diminished emotional expression or avolition).

It’s important to note that only one of these need to be checked off/true if the patient has voices which narrate their actions/behaviors/thoughts or if the person has more than one voice conversing with each other.

Nico deals with auditory hallucinations (2), he believes the voice belongs to Bob, his titan friend he left in Tartarus:

However this isn’t and immediate diagnosis because Bob’s voice doesn’t talk to another voice(s) in Nico’s head, and we don’t know if Nico has voices running commentary on his behaviors/thoughts.

The reason I state we are unaware if Nico has commentary isn’t because Nico hasn’t said anything, but because many people with schizophrenia before their diagnosis believe the narrative voices are just their thoughts and are a normal internal monologue- usually patients don’t realize anything is wrong until the voices start providing commentary on their actions so instead of “washing the dishes now” the voice(s) might say “wash the dishes now, you’re so lazy you can’t do anything, idiot” during a period of psychosis which may help them acknowledge that the voice(s) isn’t the way most people experience internal voice(s). It is very possible Nico is unaware he is experiencing narrative thoughts and simply assumes that his experience is something most people have, but I won’t use this to argue my point because it’s not confirmation of anything.

Returning now to Bob, Nico knows he is hearing Bob’s voice but he believes Bob is calling to him from Tartarus. Now, Nico says the voices are calling to him from Tartarus but there’s no confirmation of this anywhere… What I think is happening is Nico has a guilty conscience. He feels bad for “using” Bob to get out of Tartarus and various other things, so he feels bad that he is still down there. However, we don’t really know if Bob is calling to him or if Bob is able to do that- what I personally think is happening here is Nico’s brain is convincing Nico that Bob needs him because Nico is upset with himself for not helping Bob more, but also because Nico has never “sat still” before without a quest. Nico has also always felt the want to be needed/important...

It very well could be a delusion.

Schizophrenic patients often experience delusions which make them think they are destined for greatness, or that they have some divine/high force calling out to them for help that only they can provide. It’s an extremely common thing in individuals who experience delusions, and is in fact one of the most common delusions experienced. So although Bob could really be calling out to Nico, I don’t think he is, it doesn’t entirely make sense and there’s lots of little things which point to it being not entirely real- like the fact that nobody else knows about it? Or how absolutely sure Nico is that he need to return to Tartarus? It seems like a mixture of PTSD, delusions, and trauma response (returning to the trauma), working against him. I’ll say delusion is very likely (1).

Using these two factors alone there’s sufficient evidence for diagnosis, but let’s keep going just to see.

For disorganized speech (3) this isn’t something Nico seems to struggle with, and even if he did “derailing” could be ADHD or Autism, so I don’t think this symptom pertains to him.

Changes in behavior (4), seem to all be explainable via depression and/or PTSD- he has begun to express emotion again in Tower of Nero upon learning of Jason’s death he is said to be upset by Will and he walks off to be alone, seems like depression to me. Emotional/Behavior changes from schizophrenia tend to relate more to bipolar disorder rather than a depressive disorder, so I would say if Nico has schizophrenia he probably doesn’t have emotional or behavioral changes from it. If he did he might have some catatonic behavior, but this seems to be clearing up some in Tower of Nero so I’m not super sure on that, maybe during bad periods of psychosis behavioral changes occur, but I would lean more towards this isn’t a symptom Nico personally deals with. Negative symptoms (5) tie into this same idea, it’s possible it’s schizophrenia, but it’s more likely PTSD or depression at work.

So why do I care so much about the possibility of Nico being schizophrenic?

I feel like canonically/fanonically making Nico schizophrenic does a few things, firstly schizophrenic rep in media is extremely extremely awful- can you think off the top of your head of a schizophrenic character who isn't from a horror film/a murder/a villain in their own story? Maybe, but personally I can only think of one which is Charlie from Perks of Being a Wallflower- and even then? That's not canon, it's only implied- and it might not even be true

Schizophrenic media representation always paints schizophrenic people as bad, scary, and evil, and although the horror genre is extremely well known for being super ableist, transphobic, racist, homophobic, and misogynistic (just the final cherry on top) having one of the first- if not the first openly confirmed schizophrenic characters in children's media not only be someone who has lots of character development, and isn't a stereotype, but also be someone people have grown up with, cared for, and sympathized with- would be extremely monumental.

People with schizophrenia and other related disorders aren't something to be scared of or to think of as bad, and often times they're more bothered by whatever they're experiencing than you are.

I don't have schizophrenia or schizoaffective disorder or anything like that, but I have various undiagnosed mental health issues which often lead to me questioning reality, or having to set aside time to convince myself that no there isn't a man living in my wall... Having a character have to question those things, work through those feelings, and learn to trust themselves and care for themselves even with those difficulties would be really great to see in media, not just for people with schizophrenia but also for people with similar/related disorders who might share symptoms see parts of their own struggles in a good, educative way.

I have to finish this in two parts because tumblr keeps breaking because there's too many words in my post lmao (2nd part here)

[psyopmyself]

Today I got a bipolar diagnosis

edit: btw, nobody was injured when i crashed. it was into a light post and nobody was around.

There is confetti everywhere around my room. And I am confused why there is such a mess and why it’s so pretty to me and also why despite seeing beauty in the mess I feel uncomfortable with my space having little shit all over it and I want it to be clean. Today shit hit the fan and the shit was a balloon and when it hit the fan it erupted and confetti flew everywhere. I got a bipolar diagnosis today. After nearly 10 years of clinical diagnoses from major depression, generalized anxiety, ocd tendency, mania, psychosis, to a literal thought disorder called delusional disorder, as well as PTSD, today I heard something that felt like it contains all of me and there is room for me to be me and not feel so confused and like my identity is all over the place depending which disorder is showing it’s face most. I am Cassidy Jean Gardner, and I am bipolar with PTSD. I feel terrified and so confused and Im crying while I write this but the tears feel like a relief a sweet rush of acceptance from and for myself that I have been yearning for for a long, long time. My therapist believes I have mixed manic-depressive bipolar called cyclothymic bipolar, not to be confused with a less “emotionally intense” cyclothymia diagnosis. With my understanding so far, I understand that Bipolar 1 is characterized by more manic tendencies with depressive stints. Bipolar 2 is characterized by more depressive tendencies with hypomanic bursts. The difference between these types of bipolar and the one have been experiencing the spectrum of for the last 2 and a half years years for sure is that BP 1&2 symptoms of mania or depression last several days, weeks, or months. Cyclothymic bipolar experiences of mania and depression can last hours. I have been so confused by my own mind for so long, and like my emotional responses to things were never valid, true, natural, and in my manic times, not even human. I can go from being manic to then coming across something that doesn’t fit my manic ideology and having an extremely depressed, hopeless response, to, sometimes it feels like minutes later, come up with a new “solution” that helps me feel better and relieved of the shame i feel about my manic beliefs and world view that I go right back up there again, and the cycle repeats. Thinking myself in and out of mania it can feel like. The days when I am not crippled or at best, so far, consistently hindered, by the accompanying anxiety of not having much of a sense of emotional normalcy or “neutral” perspective on things are my best days. The days when I am hypomanic, and I decide to scrap everything I’ve been working toward and stop identifying with these things in the name of authenticity libration and creativity, are my favorite right now, and that is hard. because it’s not super helpful to be this way- so passionate and “righteous”- that i throw out the window regard for any sort of routine i have worked hard to establish myself in the name of having “figured out something better”. It’a hard to feel so happy I can’t listen to my rational self because I feel so intoxicated by the feeling of happiness motivation and productivity I so crave. I am not sure what is harder. Being so manic that I become psychotic, completely delusional to the point that I literally believe I am Satan or Lucifer herself and that everything around me is confirming this horrible burden yet somehow “karmic blessing” that I never asked for, the the times when my depression is so bad I sleep for 16 hours of the day, have no motivation to even fathom life becoming better ever, and prefer to dream than live waking, walking life. I have lived in ambivalence for years, and as a coping mechanism I convinced myself I thrived in this arena. I see myself in front of the pendulum that is my mind. Every day it swings and I try to control it. It doesn’t stop swinging. It swings so roughly and rapidly that it flys out of the bars holding it up often. It’s like there is a wind pushing it that is the devil itself tricking me by being “invisible” aka not existing. When it’s on the manic side, I try to grab it and in the process get picked up off the ground and everything around the pendulum gets knocked over in my efforts to hold the pendulum and keep it on the “happy” side. Like the things around me are my life that I’ve built and they will fall as easily as bowling pins. There is no weight to keep them stable when I hit them. The foundation is slippery. On the depressive side, I rush over angry that I wasn’t strong enough to hold things on the manic side and desperately try to push it back toward my “happy” side, but it is so so fucking heavy. and I don’t remember it being that heavy and I cannot believe I ever fathomed loving the pendulum I was clinging to sometimes minutes earlier. Shame guilt self loathing. compared to my visions of grandiosity, of the world revolving around me, of having a sense of self worth and confidence and the courage to claim it and say hey i deserve to feel good about myself. to god how dare I ever think that. I am the most selfish person on the planet the sheer vain and foolishness to believe everything even anything really could possible be about or for me. I like to believe that I am somewhere in the middle. I prefer the hypomanic side, and this is a detriment as well, because i can easily get too high. but the hypomanic can be so... fun. The bits of excessive energy, the slightly inflated sense of self worth, the belief that I can follow my dreams and the ability to use my mind to direct my thoughts toward ways to create strategy to get where I want and build stepping stones. The fear of fallibility. the anxiety that comes with ever feeling good about myself from the ptsd of that abusive relationship and that night especially. I shouldn’t plan, because they will be foiled, if not by me by a man most likely. nowhere is safe, especially not my own mind.  thats’s where I perceived love, and oh hasn’t god shown me how powerful that is. being so manic that I confuse the feeling with someone being my soulmate, twin flame, my destiny. telling that person and responding to the rejection emotionally by going psychotic and fully delusional. How afraid I have been to love, of my own love, being truly loved that i don’t feel the need to constantly prove myself, and certainly the idea of ever loving myself for being who I am. In 2016 when I got PTSD and no longer was the “high functioning” “mentally ill” girl I was before, many people treated me like I had fallen from grace and it was my fault. Thank fucking god for the people who have been here for me. So many people took this as an opportunity it felt to slander me. “ha, I knew she wasn’t so wonderful, look how crazy she is. She intentionally crashed her car. who does that?” a person who is so confused with their undiagnosed bipolar and the fact they are going through a manic episode as a response to intense trauma therapy does that. I was told my whole life I was wonderful for being pretty and intelligent, and what a special combination. what a bitch of a “gift”. The two things I was naturally both with and did not earn, my intelligence and my body and my face. What about my humor? What about my ability to be a good friend? What about how hard I work? I was told I should never dare praise myself for these things because I was already “lucky enough” to be praised for the things I never asked for but was given by either genetics or fate- god knows. I have so many feelings. and I’m so grateful to know that I am impulsive. Sure, I’m “spiritually gifted”, but not necessarily everything has to be a blaring call from god or synchronicity that I must act on immediately if I want to see the “right things”, see the world the “right way”, and “be where I am to be”. My perfectionism has nearly killed me. Seeking to be spiritually perfect because I sure has hell was not physically or mentally perfect, I mean, look at those guys and girls more “beautiful”, look at those men and women more “accomplished”.  And the brainwashed peers (not their fault) for idolizing me, giving me a sense of power I never fucking sought. Sure. Maybe you can make the argument that my “soul wanted this”, but suffering was never in the deal. and I have suffered. I have been so miserable I didn’t even know how to fathom the energy to put together a plan to kill myself. and thank god for that level of depression, because I didn’t die. because I’m supposed to be here and finally I feel I can make some peace with my singular identity as Me, Cassie. someone who is fun, funny, smart, relatable, bipolar, and so much more. I feel terrified of stigmatization even though I know it’s fucked up that it even exists. At least, I think, with the delusional disorder diagnosis, even though it was similar to a schizophrenic diagnosis just lacking frequency of symptoms, hardly anybody knew what it was. Oh I have a thought disorder and the propensity to think in delusional ways sometimes. NBD tho as u can see I’m perfectly fine :). So many more people know about bipolar. And many have strong opinions. The plus here is that there is more push to end stigmatization and more research into ways to cope manage and accept this diagnosis which I am so thankful for, and more easily accessible community. There was nothing on delusional disorder. It was so uncommon that when my psychiatrist in the rehab told my therapist what my diagnosis was she handed me the DSM to read about it because she didn’t know what it was. Yeah, I went to rehab. Last november (2017) I had a psychotic break, though it was not my first experience with delusion. I became manic as a response to feeling rejected by a guy and it escalated to me hardly sleeping, doing a lot of cocaine and other drugs, and having a full blown psychotic break. I experienced psychosis for 2 and a half months. The first 3 weeks of this stint it was all i could feel or think about. At first it was fun, until it wasn’t. I legitimately thought that there was a secret society the illuminati that had been made to “illuminate” me, that all art had been inspired by me, the energetic muse, lucifer “finally reincarnating” back to earth in the age of aquarius and dawn of immortality, and nobody around me was safe because I was all that was valued by this illuminati and the people who I loved most were in danger because while I loved them most and the illuminati knew this, the illuminati was angry that these people has hurt me, someone who was so impressionable, “born schizophrenic and able to hide it in order to learn about ‘normal society’”, and were responsible for the pain I felt which I  handled with negative coping mechanisms like addiction. So it was my job to create worldly and spiritual circumstances to keep them safe from disaster and accident or murder because they all felt so bad about hurting me subconsciously that they had less of a will to live, and this was a dangerous way to think, subconsciously of course. That I was everyone’s higher self in the 4d’s favorite 3d person other than their person, and that they all were working to send me messages from the consciously unaware around me. I was fully out too my mind. I legitimately thought I was lucifer, the most hated person on the planet but god’s favorite angel, ready to ask for entry back into heaven. And the only thing that was me was my fear response to my thoughts and the way I read into everything. no I can’t dare think this this can’t dare be true but somehow everything around me is telling me it is. Literally fuck this. I felt that I needed to be with loved ones constantly to “keep them safe” and I understandably was simultaneously scaring the shit out of my family due to my mental health, and exhausting them. my mom and I both agreed the best thing was for me to go into a treatment center, the rose house. A “dual-diagnosis” rehab that treated mental health and addiction. Cool, well when I got there apparently every single reason I had mental health problems was because I had used substances, not because I had struggled with my mental health since becoming conscious in light of my father passing when i was almost 9 and eventually found drugs as a coping mechanism. I felt shamed for my addiction to marijuana and 100% misunderstood and ostracized. out of the 15 women there all of the girls my age were in primarily for addiction and the only woman who was there for first mental health was an older woman named Kathleen, and she wasn’t an addict. The delusions never stopped I got better at hiding them. I was heavily medicated, afraid, fearing homelessness if i didn’t follow my family wishes to finish the 90 day program, and still pretty insane. After I got my diagnosis I left the treatment the night I got onto “transition” 67 days in and got my phone back, called a friend, and got brought up to fort collins where thank god emma was willing to let me stay with her. Miraculously, the delusions stopped within days. I was no longer so stressed and afraid that I couldn’t think for myself. I was bipolar this entire time. and my mania was “so irrational and unrecognizable” that they didn’t even know to recognize that this was my issue, it was more like I was “almost schizophrenic” without the visual hallucinations or auditory hallucinations. I wasn’t hearing other voices, but the voice in my head wanted me dead just as much as it told me I had a special reason to stay alive. I had a “sane reaction to insane circumstances”, and I temporally lost my mind. and I was petrified and anxiety ridden to the point I couldn’t function for months. I couldn’t make a single decision for weeks without going into full blown panic. I felt like everyone knew something that I didn’t and that they couldn’t tell me what I thought I knew, just give me hints, because otherwise they could be punished and also because they “believed in me”. I felt horribly betrayed while simultaneously fearing abandonment and isolation so much I felt I had developed Stockholm syndrome.  

When I experienced full blown psychosis that was so scary, my whole life went to shit. I lost my scholarships. I lost my house in boulder so my family could afford rehab. everything changed while I was in panic and when I “returned” to a “normal” state of mind I couldn’t recognize anything in my own life, even myself. When I was on medication I gained 70 pounds in 2 and a half months. I went into rehab 95 pounds. I was so manic for months, either full blown or hypo, that I would forget to eat. And I was 165 when I left. I hated my life and the months following I was more depressed than I can ever remembered. I relapsed in april. april to september was a mix of drugs and romance that I don’t really care for. When I got sober again, prompted by a really scary night of returning to psychotic thinking which I thankfully learned reality checking skills for, I feel like after 4 almost 5 years of using drugs I was finally ready to stop feeling so out of control, at least with my substance use. Thank god for today, no matter how afraid i am of my future. I am just as hopeful. I have for hate myself for the ways I have treated people in my manic episodes, my family in my depressive episodes, and how I can hardly even remember it. but I do not deserve to feel this hate. I was suffering. I was living in a world I hadn’t found the words to describe. and now I know. That I am beautiful. truly. inside and out. and I have a beautiful mind. I love fiercely. I believe I can make a contribution to help “save the world”. That those who are mentally ill should be hugged tightly when they need it, that schizophrenic people especially, imo, are horribly and unfairly understood and deserve to feel cherished and accepted just as much as anyone else, not to be feared and casted out of society. I believe every single person no matter what deserves to know they are not alone, no matter how lonely they feel, and so much more good. I am not the ugly or the bad. I am a motherfucking survivor. And thank god I didn’t die the day I re-enacted my dad’s car accident. Because I do have a purpose, and it is special. Most importantly, it’s just as special as everyone else’s special purpose. We are all in this together. And I’m excited to find a community of people who have fought similar battles. Who I can laugh about my “a trillion under the sun” delusions with and find humor in the ways my mind sought to preserve a will to live. and how other people have done the same. I am me, and today I became free of my own condemnation. I will struggle, but now I know there is community and resources that I don’t need to scour the earth to find. I have a home, and it is here, proud to be me. There is confetti everywhere around my room. Who knew that balloon I had been so afraid of letting go of was my own attempt to celebrate myself. I may feel late to my own party, but I’m here now. And there is no problem with not wanting my room to always look like a wild rave. I can always make more confetti, anyways :) 

To end with some gratitude, thank god for my true friends and my family. Emma has never left my side as my best friend, even in the distance of living in different parts of the state.  She is my best fucking friend. My other close best friends as well, who have not been afraid to hug me when I swore to them my entire body was covered in needles. My mom, who has done everything for me to make sure I know I am never truly alone, no matter how much my mind tries to tell me otherwise. For my little brother, for putting up with my craziness and still being willing to love me and laugh with me at the end of the day. Everyone in my life now is so beautiful it’s hard to deny that there may be some beauty in me, too, then, if they all tell me they like when I’m around. I’m grateful to know that my father, who i have idolized though gone now, was whole loved by the people around me. Whose described as “large than life” personality and substance abuse may have been a way to mask bipolar symptoms, was still a loved personality and loved person. This I know. This people have convinced me. and that I am of him just as much as I am of my mother. I’m grateful for the mental health professionals who have not given up on me, even when they required i be medicated in order to be able to be worked with, even when i was misdiagnosed, these people have helped to save my life too. so many times. And I am so grateful for my higher power, for prayer, the only thing that felt safe to think that sometimes I would just repeat the serenity prayer for hours for the sake of at least having a way to direct my anxious energy and not be in panic from my own delusional thoughts. God, who has always shown me that i will never be truly abandoned or given up on, who has helped me understand my higher power as something that is absolutely not punitive. My family and friends have been my lifeboats, and god, the universe, gaia, the god in every person, has shown me how to survive the storm. I am. I desire. I see. and i am free. 

This has been such a clusterfuck of emotions coming out that I have been wanting to feel for a long time and as messy as this is i’m grateful as well for the will to sit through this and write about these experiences, no matter the feelings they bring up. Because know I feel free to understand that the feelings will pass, sometimes more quickly than others, and that I can always survive. Even when that’s all I “manage” to do. Today. I stayed sober. I laughed. I put up the christmas tree with my mom and brother. I talked on the phone with my best friend. I told close friends what I learned about myself today. and I got diagnosed with bipolar. and I found a hope and interpretation for my mental narrative that I never felt was right for me because i don’t understand the words for what i was experiencing. I have learned today. And I have grown. and I am smiling as i finish typing this with tears rolling down my face, because I believe I can be happy. Sustainably happy. and sustainably grateful and hopeful when it’s hard to get to feeling the happiness. I believe and I survive. and I become<3 I am 21. I am brilliant. and I am bipolar. 

[pinkiepiebones]

Tagged By: @backstagepast


Name: Zombie


Zodiac: A good movie


Height: 5′4" 


Languages Spoken: English, three or four sentences in Japanese, two words of Swedish, one of Chinese, and I know a tiny bit of ASL



Nationality: American


Favorite Fruit: Honeycrisp apples



Favorite Season: I don't know. I like that changing period between fall and winter. It's not super cold yet, but there's a promise of snow in the grey blankets of clouds.



Favorite Scent: Nag champa



Favorite Color: Purple. Not so much the purples with more blue in them, though.



Favorite Animal: Pangolin



Coffee, tea, hot chocolate: None, really. Not a hot drink person.



Favorite Fictional Character: I have several.



Dream Trip: I'd love to get back to Vancouver someday.



Blog Created: When did Tron: Legacy come out? 



Morning Person or Night Owl? I used to be a night owl, but in my old age I've shifted to the morning. Why doesn't the morning have a designated bird? If the night is an owl, maybe mornings are... Roosters?



Recent Embarrassing Moment: I scooted my chair back from my desk to put some paper in the shredder and kinda ran into one of my bosses. 



If you could see any artist/band, who would it be? Gosh, I wonder what my answer will be...



First and current celebrity crush? Does a background actor on a remake of an old sci-fi show count as a celebrity? .... Current is the Tender Father. But neither of these have been in a "oooh wanna date you" way. My crushes are more like "ooooh want to spend extended amounts of time with you just learning about how you do you and maybe go to a museum with you I just want to hang out in your head for a while."



Go-to karaoke song? Take On Me. Not to brag, but I can hit every note.



Winter or Summer? Winter



Favorite Ice Cream? Chocolate chip cookie dough



Do you drink enough water? Yes



Dog or cat person? Mostly cats, but I also love my brother's big mutt



Favorite party member of Stranger Things? The sheriff



Do you sing in the car and shower? Yep


Biggest pet peeve? People confusing OCD with OCPD, people who claim to have "OCD" because they like things tidy, basically anyone who claims to have a mental disorder based solely upon media portrayals and nothing else, people who stigmatize mental illness to such a degree that people are afraid to talk about it or seek help. So on.



Favorite Movies: Ratatouille, The Shape of Water, Guardians of the Galaxy



Favorite TV show or movie from your childhood? Batman TAS



Annoying Habit: I have to pause when speaking to make sure I'm choosing the right words, and people like to use my pauses to try to fill in what they think I want to say. That, the "oh they're stopping I can talk now" people, that habit annoys me.



Least favorite celebrity? Taylor Swift seems obnoxious.



Favorite Curse Word: くそ



Unpopular Opinion: Depends on where I am. At the office, most of my opinions are unpopular.



Favorite Books: Slaughterhouse Five (Kurt Vonnegut), The Count of Monte Cristo (Alexandre Dumas), The Little Prince (Antoine de Saint Expery), The Dresden Files series (Jim Butcher), The Series of Unfortunate Events (Lemony Snicket), Cosmos (Carl Sagan), The Demon-Haunted World: Science as a Candle in the Dark (Carl Sagan)



Introvert or Extrovert: Very extra introvert


Best Physical Feature: My expressive eyebrows



Biggest Fear: Being used again.



Something you’re good at? I grill a mean steak



Something you’re looking forward to? GHOST

[bentonpena]

Mental Illness – No Shame – Lots of Hope via @alanbleiweiss

Mental Illness – No Shame – Lots of Hope via @alanbleiweiss http://bit.ly/34pfQKV

Clinical depression (diagnosed by a professional). Panic attacks. Blackouts.

Suicidal thoughts and planning. Destructive societal behavior.

PTSD. OCD. Drug addiction (including alcohol).

Nine years of recovery. Nine-year relapse.

Second round of recovery.

Now approaching 15 years clean and free of “drugs.”

The list of psychological challenges and illnesses I have lived through in my life is long.

Trigger Warning: This post briefly describes severe abuse as a child, and goes on through to suicidal thoughts. If you are not prepared to read even brief content about a little child being severely abused, or how that eventually led to considering suicide, please skip this section and go on to “From Surviving to Thriving“!

Early Environmental Influence

While at least some of my issues may, in fact, have genetic origins to varying degrees, I have come to learn that we can be shaped and molded based on our environment. And for me, that all started as a result of having been severely abused – physically, psychologically, emotionally and spiritually throughout my childhood by my parents.

I was physically beaten routinely. Belts. Wooden hangers. Hands. Whatever was convenient. And crying, yeah that cliché “This hurts me more than it hurts you” was said often. As was “If you don’t stop crying, I’ll give you something to cry about.”

I was also told at various times growing up:

“You’re not good enough.”

“You don’t deserve ____.”

“Look what you did to your mother – why do you get her so upset?”

“You’ll never have anything in life.”

“It’s my house, and if you don’t like it, you can leave.”

One of the worst, from my mother: “Don’t argue with your father – he’s right even when he’s wrong…”

The chaos and abuse at home were only reinforced by being bullied from elementary school until my teen years.

I was taught “turn the other cheek,” “don’t cause trouble at school,” and concepts along those lines.

I was never taught how to stand up for myself early on, as a human being. Never taught at that age any concept of self-worth or self-esteem.

So it was almost guaranteed that I’d seek to escape from that hell.

The Early Years of Insanity

My earliest escape was daytime, waking life blackouts. As a very small child, I would literally be doing one thing somewhere in the house, and next thing I knew, I was outside, doing something completely different.

When my parents would have friends over, I would hide behind the couch, in fear.

I had nightmares that some evil being would come through the window to attack me.

Sugar became a drug. The adrenaline rush in pouring sugar onto sugar-infused cereal was an addiction.

Daydreaming about a better life became a constant outlet.

Escalated Escape

Eventually, escape for me transitioned into schoolwork. I found that if I did really well in class, my teachers would praise me, show me appreciation. So that became a drug.

Seeking approval actually got results somewhere. I craved it. Obsessed over obtaining it.

Except as the years passed, and the abuse got worse, none of those escapes were enough anymore. And that led to drugs. I fit in. Got acceptance. And at the same time, could numb my emotions and thoughts.

Any drug I was exposed to. Could get access to. For me, one drug didn’t lead to another. It was a free-for-all of access and impact. Its use grew though – in volume and frequency.

I almost didn’t graduate from high school because at that point I was “tuned out” – from a straight-A student to failing because of not even showing up at class.

From there, I ended up creating a path of chaos wherever I went with jobs, friendships, everything, and anything.

I got arrested for “minor” infractions more than once. That happens when you are “tuned out” all the time, and when you end up in places you don’t belong, with people you aren’t going to win societal participation awards among.

Life eventually hit bottom (my first of multiple bottoms). Nothing worked anymore. None of my escape mechanisms could numb the pain or internal turmoil.

So I thought suicide was my only way out. Tried planning it out. Yet never did come up with a method I could guarantee would work.

That was 1986. I was 27, and it was the darkest period of my life.

From Surviving to Thriving

Yet I stand here today, writing this post, to say that with a lot of help, support and effort, I’ve overcome so much over so many years.

No, my life is not “perfect” these days.

All of those mental health challenges still, even now, have a residual impact on who I am and how I face the world.

And I can, in the blink of an eye, end up falling into the chaos and insanity at any time for the rest of my life because some of it became so ingrained in me over so many years, that there’s a residual set of beliefs right there.

Just beneath the surface. That close to wanting to take control again.

That’s how it is with addiction, and that’s how it is with the psychological parameters that allow addiction to awaken even when we “know better.”

It’s why, after my first nine years clean from drugs, I relapsed. And spent nine more years out there, fighting the demons.

And while I am approaching 15 years clean this time around (if I can make it, one day at a time until October 27), recovery is still not guaranteed to last forever.

There is no cure when the damage is so deep. There is only mitigation, alleviation, and remission.

In spite of that, I’ve learned to build a pretty amazing, miraculous and spectacular life for myself overall.

I’ve gotten to travel much of the world – consciously chose to live a nomadic life, moving from city to city, state to state every couple years until I went and bought a house at Lake Tahoe this year, where I now reside.

I’ve built a reputation as one of the industry’s top site auditors, gotten to do that work on hundreds of small, medium, and global enterprise sites.

I’ve established lifelong friendships with industry peers and been able to give back in countless ways to the search community and to people in need out in the world.

I often have very good days.

Productive. Happy. Serene.

Even when I have bad days, they are not anywhere near as bad as they used to be because I have tools and resources and an entire support network.

And I have been practicing their use for so long at this point, that most of the time, the noise doesn’t get very loud, if it shows up at all.

When it shows up, I know what to do about it.

That doesn’t mean I instantly take positive action all the time.

Some days, it is a struggle.

Yet I know better now. I have practiced and done the work enough, and gotten the positive results. So there’s much more balance in my life.

Overcoming Mental Illness, Addiction & My Past Demons

How have I done that? How have I been able to overcome such crazy obstacles and challenges on so many levels?

Caveat: What I share here is what has worked for me, what continues to work for me. I cannot possibly say, with absolute certainty, that any of this will guarantee to work for you. And I don’t go into the details here as there’s too much of it.

What I do know though is this – there are many ways to achieve success in SEO. So too, there are many ways to overcome challenges arising from mental illness, addiction, and other outward signs of internal chaos.

So please understand that if these things help you, that’s a blessing. And if they don’t, it does not mean there is no hope. You just may need to find something else that works for you.

And as my brother told me many years ago when I was at a psychological bottom – as long as you have a breath left in your body, there is hope.

First Rule: No Shame

First, I’ve done so by not accepting that any of these issues are something to be ashamed of.

There is no such thing as perfect except in that every human has challenges. Every person suffers from the broader “human condition” called life.

Anybody who ridicules, stigmatizes, or disrespects mental illness, for example, or physical limitations others have, is themselves, suffering from a form of mental defect.

Maybe it’s “only” a lack of empathy. Maybe it’s something more insidious.

Regardless of the cause, people who fail to respect others who are not like them physically, intellectually, or emotionally, are no different than those who fail to respect others due to color of skin, sexuality, or any other major life framework.

That does not mean I am free from embarrassment, fear, guilt or shame all the time.

Heck, even writing this post, fear kicked in.

What if I allow this to be posted on a top industry site? Will people still want to hire me for audit work?

Will they think I am unstable, or incapable of helping them given how messed up my life has been at times?

Yet when that does come up, I understand and recognize that the need to share my truth with others is more important to me than some unrealized fear.

I cannot keep my path in darkness. It needs to be brought into the light.

One of the most important things that have helped me countless times over the years has been learning that others have gone through the fires and come out on the other side.

So I believe I have a moral, human responsibility to write this. And guess what?

Anybody who reads this and ends up running away from me, well, that’s on them. They’re not wrong or bad or evil for doing so if anyone does that. They too are only human.

And the world is big enough that I will be okay. My entire identity is not, these days, wrapped in having to get approval from every single person I encounter.

In fact, I’m also writing this because others in the industry have, themselves, been vocal about mental illness and other life challenges. So they themselves, have given me inspiration, and courage and hope that writing this is OK.

Second Rule: We Need Others & We Need to Take Responsibility

Second, I’ve learned that “I can’t, we can.”

One of the biggest character defects I developed growing up was the belief that I had to be the one to resolve all of my own problems in life.

That I couldn’t ask for others to help me, let alone accept it.

I had to figure out what to do in everything – which, in my case, was made better and worse at the same time because I happen to be highly intelligent, and I also suffered from “the great I Am” syndrome (thinking I was the center of the universe).

So I used to think “if only this outside situation or circumstance will change, everything will be better.” And then I’d go and find a way to make that change quite often.

Except I never, back then, looked inside, to see what my role in any of it was.

I never stopped to consider that I had a broken picker.

Broken relationship picker. Broken job picker. Broken societal participation picker.

I also had deeply a flawed understanding of how to participate in society and didn’t understand humility can coexist with confidence.

As a result, while things would appear better on the surface, for a while, I inevitably ended up having it blow up in my face.

Relationships fell apart. I’d quit or get fired from job after job.

I’d end up in dangerous situations and circumstances within society. Ended up on death’s doorstep many times.

I call it “hell on earth.”

So I eventually learned “wherever you go, there you are,” and “when one finger is pointing outward, three more are pointing inward.”

Yet I also needed to learn that I am not “The great I Am.”

I am not God. Or a god. I am not the center of the universe. I don’t have all the answers.

This means I need to learn to seek out those who have been where I was, or I am, and who themselves, have overcome some aspect of what I have yet to overcome. And, or, for different needs, I need to turn to professionals.

Sometimes, you really do need search science when your blogging friend can’t even identify with why you aren’t ranking organically, right?

So too, sometimes we need medical professionals or clinicians regarding our mental health needs.

Even a recovering addict needs pain medications sometimes, like after major surgery.

I need to reach out to potential support and help resources, when appropriate.

And if they are willing, and able to offer any support, guidance or help, I need to be honest, open-minded, and willing myself.

Honest about what’s really going on. And about what I don’t know or understand.

Open-minded to a better way to live. And to the possibility that they may have answers I seek.

Willing to change. Willing to take responsibility for my actions. Willing to learn.

Third Rule: It’s Simple, Not Easy

Third – when it comes to mental illness, addiction, behavioral patterns that need to be overcome, the process is almost always simple.

Whether it’s taking certain steps physically, mentally, psychologically or spiritually, they’re just steps.

Footwork. Effort. Sequential change in how we think, what we think, how we feel, what we feel. Or behavior modification.

Yet the deeper the wounds, the more complex the layers of issues, the heavier the load – which means that even simple steps can feel monumental.

And the more years we’ve lived with these challenges, the more ingrained our behavior has become based on raw survival learning. How to survive while suffering internally. Which means we have established, maybe even carved into proverbial stone, rules we live by. Entire belief systems on how to exist.

And that in turn, has led, for many of us, into creating, then maintaining our entire life identity around what just may turn out to be a complete misunderstanding of how we need to live this life.

So it’s possible that at the mere thought of needing to change any of that, our fight-or-flight survival mechanisms may kick into high gear.

We may think we want to change something, on the surface. We may feel there must be a better way to live. We may say we are willing to change.

Yet we may not be ready. Or willing.

Fourth Rule: Accepting Reality, Resisting Change

When push comes to shove, subconsciously, we may panic, else need to accept that everything we came to believe about our selves and our world, needs reevaluation.

That, quite often, can be the scariest concept we face in our lifetimes. The notion that “what worked for me all these years may have been completely invalid,” is heavy.

Yet for someone like me, whose life was constant chaos, turmoil, and insanity, none of it was truly “working.” I was barely surviving.

Heck – even with several years of growth and awakening to a new way of life, and yes, even sometimes, to this very day, while the chaos has been lowered, the insanity “mostly” eliminated, those old beliefs still sit there, on the sidelines, waiting to jump up and take charge again.

The more I resist acceptance about the truth of my situation, the more likely I’ll tell myself “hey, don’t change – you got this far without that abracadabra or woo woo nonsense.”

When that happens, I’ve come to learn to listen inside. Where is that coming from? Is that from my past? Quite often, when I need answers to that, I go to my intuition.

Some people refer to intuition as “a gut feeling.” Others call it God, or Holy Spirit. Others still, refer to it as wisdom. I even turn to “God” sometimes. Which is not a religious god for me.

God, to me, is its own complex notion of endless wisdom, love, positive direction. None of the condemnation stuff. Whatever label you put on any of it, that is where to turn.

Yet we also need to avoid becoming trapped in self-convincing con artist level internal dialogue. Because the more years we have in “just surviving,” the more power we’ve given to the voice of insanity in our own being.

Whether it’s ego, the devil, fear, or whatever other “source” of the “self-deception,” we need to be vigilant for that as well.

Healthy Support from Others

I could spend hours and hours going further into the psychology and the process of what I’ve been through, what I’ve learned, and how I’ve overcome personal challenges to the degree I have – except this is “just” a blog post meant not to be a life story or a book.

(In fact, I’m in the final stages of actually writing a book on how we can change our life stars. It’s currently in the hands of my editor.)

However, that’s another subject altogether.

What I will say now, in moving toward a conclusion of this blog post, has to do with the fact I mentioned earlier that we need others in our life to help us.

When I say that, I need to emphasize how important it is to also realize that we almost certainly cannot seek help from just one other person, or just one book, or one medication, or just one course in wellness.

Our lives, like SEO, are so complicated, multi-faceted and unique to us that we almost certainly need help from multiple people, books, courses, or medications.

We’ve built a lifetime of circumstances and issues and needs. Some directly relate to others, while others still are ultimately not related. Involve different causes, require different solutions.

So thinking only one person or one answer is needed, is potentially not true.

And if we look to rely on just one source for help, that may lead to other problems.

Take people, for example. It is probably not possible that any one person is going to have enough direct experience, themselves, to align with all of the facets of your unique situation.

When you need SEO, you may, hopefully, seek out an SEO professional.

Yet when you need accounting restructuring, or Human Resources changes in your business, or a business loan, or legal advice, it’s almost never advisable to expect your SEO professional to have the depth of experience in your unique path’s history, let alone the experience in how to win with all of those things.

Unless you need a veterinarian. And your SEO is Marie Haynes.

Yet even then, if you hire Marie or her company for SEO, and at 3 a.m. on a Saturday night, your dog needs medical help, is it really appropriate to call Marie?

So too, is it true that when we have mental illness challenges, they are likely to have manifest in ways that not everyone we meet who themselves has overcome mental illness challenges, can help with.

Or where a given individual counselor or psychologist has expertise in one area, they may not have expertise in another.

We may need a food or gambling addiction support solution, a medical doctor, a psychologist, a drug addiction support solution, a marriage counselor, a physical therapist, a spiritual advisor, or any number of other “specialists.”

And even if/when we find any one of those, that one person may not be able to be available for us every time we are in crisis.

We can not allow ourselves to think they “should” be either. We can not, ourselves, be all things to others, 24/7/365. Not even to those we love the most.

Trying to do that will eventually cause us to lose our own sanity. So why would we think that isn’t true for someone we turn to for help?

Which means we need to find multiple resources sometimes even regarding one aspect of our growth needs.

Take What Works – Leave The Rest Behind

Even when we find someone or several people or support groups, or practitioners, it’s just as important to realize going into it that what they offer may apply to us, and it may not. Because they’re as unique as we are. They too, are only human.

And what works for them or worked for them, may not work for us, even if, going into it, we think they know our situation, or we think their story is our story.

So we need to be OK with situations where something they offer, whether out of love or compassion or empathy or training, may not be ideal for us. Or may not fit out truth.

And that’s OK.

If we rely on honesty, open-mindedness, and willingness, we also need to rely on that intuitive awareness I also talked about.

And if there is something in their background, or story that tells us they’re not perfect (that illusion of reality), or is radically different than our story, we also need to allow ourselves to be wise enough to accept what does align, without allowing what does not align, to prevent us from receiving value.

As long as it’s a healthy relationship scenario with that person, that practitioner, or that support group, it’s healthy to have the courage and capacity to see and accept what works and aligns, in spite of differences.

Like me and Jeremy Knauff. As brilliant as he is, he’s a jarhead, and I’m an Army rat. So how can a crayon eater possibly help me?

Well when it comes to WordPress code, I turned to Jeremy to get my site lightning fast. And now it is. In spite of his poor choice of military service.

I use that as a joking way to say “Look, not everything about our two paths is the same. Yet for this thing, he has what I need.”

That same silly concept, when taken seriously regarding mental health support, applies as well.

If there is enough alignment with someone else, in an area I need help with, and I am able to focus on that thing from them, that’s what matters.

Codependency

On a final note regarding seeking help from others:

Codependency is another major barrier to growth as individuals. If we are or become codependent with people we turn to for help, that’s self-sabotage. Self-destructive behavior.

We need to learn about codependency, enough to learn its patterns and warning signs, no matter what type of help we are seeking for ourselves. So I encourage people to, at the very least, get a good book on the topic and read it.

Warning – you may discover all or many of your relationships are codependent. It’s not uncommon for people with mental illness, or addictions, to suffer from that.

And it’s not uncommon for people in relationship with or in a family where someone has mental illness or addictions, to also be codependent.

And if that’s true, it’s OK. It just may mean there’s something else that needs to be addressed on your path in life. Which means there’s still hope.

The Bottom Line

No matter what you have been through, no matter what you are going through, you are not so unique that nobody else has gone through it.

No matter what.

Why? Because if there are words to describe it, that means someone else has been there, experienced that.

And because of that, given the age of humanity, there is almost certainly somebody who has gone through it and overcome that thing. Probably exponential numbers of others, in fact.

Maybe not in the exact combination you have lived, yet to enough degree that together, we as a society, can provide answers. And help each other.

So if you are seeking help, in whatever way, please know that as long as you have a breath left in your being, there is hope.

More Resources:

Image Credits

Featured Image: Paulo Bobita

Seo via Search Engine Journal http://bit.ly/2ZRRdDd September 6, 2019 at 09:09AM

[literaryinspiredwebserieslove]

LIW Review: The New Adventures of Peter and Wendy

This series is a little different from others that I’ve reviewed because it has three seasons, and I’m reviewing them all together because the whole story is short enough for that to be possible.

The New Adventures of Peter and Wendy is loosely based on Peter Pan, but the characters are now adults living in Neverland, Ohio. Tinkerbell is still an actual fairy, but Peter is now a comic book author and the Darlings own the local newspaper, the Kensington Chronicle. Tiger Lily is now Lily Bhaga, a businesswoman with more money than you can shake a stick at. Hook becomes the owner of a media company (JH Media), and Smee becomes his multitalented assistant.

Format:

This series is very mixed-format. In Season One, everything is either a “Dear Darling” video filmed by Wendy or shot from the point of view of Tinkerbell, which allows the camera to move and allows her to exist as a fairy without having to show her. In Seasons Two and Three, a lot of episodes are shot by the cameras that Jas Hook has installed in all of his offices. The characters were all active on Twitter, and the Kensington Chronicle (later the K-Chron) existed as a real newsletter.

Realism:

Well, there’s an actual fairy involved, so obviously we’re stretching belief a little bit from the start. The real issue with realism is the filming. All the footage exists in-universe, as I said, but there’s no justification for how it’s being edited or for any of its existence on the internet. Since there’s no in-universe YouTube channel, it works, but creating the justification for filming and then not creating a fictional framework for what happens with the footage is a strange combination that doesn’t entirely work for me.

Representation/diversity:

Season One starts out with only five characters. Four of them are white. Lily is Indian and very, very rich. She and Wendy also have a very negative relationship, and Lily is generally not portrayed in a very positive way. I’m not convinced that Season One passes the Bechdel Test, though I would have to rewatch to be sure. If it does, it does not do so with flying colors.

Season Two is different, and just generally better. We get Billie, a female pirate (fine, JH Media employee) who has an actual friendship with Wendy. Ethnic diversity goes up in Season Two. The characters get more complex (Peter does bad things, Hook does good things), and there’s non-stigmatized LGBTQ+ representation (well, okay, just G, but for such a big-budget webseries that’s huge). 

Season Three is the wrap-up season, and it pays equal attention to the gay relationship as to the two straight ones (technically it’s the second most important/spotlit relationship of the three). There’s good parental advice, which is always nice to see. There are discussions of money, which is something the was sorely lacking in the first two seasons (these people are hopelessly upper class, especially for LIW characters). 

I should also mention that John Darling has OCD, and it is discussed frequently, usually in a very healthy way. Other characters (notably Peter) probably have various mental health issues, but these are never discussed or named.

My three favorite things about The New Adventures of Peter and Wendy:

1) Episodes 12 and 13 of Season Three. I can’t say why without serious spoilers, but those two episodes made me feel many things.

2) John Darling. I don’t identify with him, but at the same time I do, very strongly. I sympathize with and understand him more than anything else, and I love him.

3) The aesthetic. The production values are super high, the sets and costumes are a pleasure to look at – visually, everything is wonderful.

Difficult things about New Peter + Wendy:

Well, the money and realism points I mentioned earlier are definite issues, but I think this series suffered from two other big problems. First, an aversion to really digging deep. There were moments of raw emotion and honesty, but not as many as there could have been. The script often just didn’t quite go where it maybe should have gone. The second issue is how dependent they were on funding. Season Two somehow got massive amounts of money, so they cast recognized actors, filmed more episodes, and frequently used multiple camera angles. Then, for Season Three, they had considerably less funding, and so there were fewer episodes and simpler filming setups. While I understand that funding is important, especially if you have to pay your actors, it seems silly to see a series with many thousands of viewers asking for many more thousands of dollars when series with similar formats make just as high-quality content with no money whatsoever or with very little (Nothing Much To Do and Lovely Little Losers spring to mind, though there are obviously others as well). 

The Verdict:

I enjoyed this series immensely, and of course the production itself was nearly flawless, but the lack of depth, the small number of episodes, and the disconnect with the rest of the LIW community cause problems for me that no other series has. It’s in a weird place between television and a regular LIW, and it maybe could have taken some queues from other LIWs in how it operated. That being said, when you need a cute little diversion with high production values, fairly strong representation, a fairy-cam, and actors who people have actually heard of, you really can’t go wrong here. 4/5 stars overall.

Cast:

Wendy Darling – Paula Rhodes

Peter Pan – Kyle Walters (who also played Ed Denham in Welcome to Sanditon)

Michael Darling – Brennan Murray

John Darling – Graham Kurtz

Lily Bhaga – Lovlee Carroll

Jas Hook – Percy Daggs III (you may remember him from Veronica Mars)

John Smee – Satya Bhabha (Scott Pilgrim vs. the World, among other things)

George Darling – Jim Beaver (yes, that Jim Beaver)

Billie Jukes – Meghan Camerena 

Created by Kyle Walters and Shawn DeLoache/EpicRobotTV @newpeterwendy

Three seasons, seventy-six episodes. 

Watch the entire adventure here:

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLkF--ahv3nwpPqCfzKh1OyfR9NwVRAXwD

[fitnesswomenshealth-blog]

If your ‘suicide prevention’ isn’t talking about the mental health system, you’re missing the point.

New Post has been published on https://cialiscom.org/if-your-suicide-prevention-isnt-talking-about-the-mental-health-system-youre-missing-the-point.html

If your ‘suicide prevention’ isn’t talking about the mental health system, you’re missing the point.

As both a suicide endeavor and decline survivor, I require to climb up onto my soapbox for a minute.

Suicide attempts, from a “preventative” standpoint, are almost never, if at any time, as quickly prevented as calling a hotline or a cherished one. “Reaching out” — though incredibly crucial — is not the be-all-close-all of preventative approaches.

Specially thinking about the reality that lots of of us have a background of inquiring for assist, and not receiving the treatment that we required.

I have an understanding of the impulse to question, “Didn’t they know they could phone me?” I questioned myself that several instances when I misplaced a person of my most effective buddies before this 12 months. But this shows a extremely large misunderstanding of the emotional experience that numerous suicide try survivors have described.

Talking from my personal expertise, when you are in a very acute amount of psychological distress, your thought method is not as linear or composed as you may believe.

The soreness in that moment can eclipse every thing else — past, present, long run. It is a kind of tunnel eyesight in which the soreness will become way too fantastic in all those times, I’m cognitively incapable of stepping back again to get the form of standpoint I could normally have.

This is why I generally try out to remind individuals that suicide attempts really don’t essentially replicate a person’s total state, as a lot as it does their degree of suffering in that certain minute.

To set it as a metaphor, suicide makes an attempt remind me really a little bit of coronary heart attacks, in the emotional feeling.

Soon after a specified level, the body’s assets can no longer fend off a really acute and painful party. It is so pronounced that your brain’s reaction is to scramble and do whatever is essential to beat that discomfort, as straight away as doable.

We have some autonomy when we’re in that type of soreness. But so lots of of our actions are finally pushed by the visceral agony we’re in. Our units are flooded and overcome, manufactured worse by the adrenaline, the worry hormones, and for numerous of us, no matter what substances we could possibly be abusing — like liquor — in a misguided attempt to cope.

But far more frequently than not, as opposed to a heart attack, it is also a discomfort that’s been setting up for weeks, months, or even a long time.

When we converse about “suicide avoidance,” we concentrate also substantially on hoping to comprehend the real endeavor, and not more than enough on accessibility of care.

We do not do considerably to guarantee that the pain does not become that acute in the first area. We don’t concentration plenty of on good quality of lifetime afterward. And most importantly, we almost never interrogate the programs in place that have failed to help them lengthy just before they reached this put.

It is as however we have witnessed anyone acquiring a heart assault, but we get started asking what they had for evening meal the evening just before, or kicking ourselves for not giving them aspirin that early morning.

When we communicate about addressing coronary heart condition, we’re not just striving to intervene in the mere moments prior to they come about — we know that is not sufficient, which looks like frequent feeling in this context.

We talk about the complete individual, and all of the strategies in which their wellbeing requirements to be prioritized perfectly prior to they reach a disaster position.

But suicidality is continue to not considered this way. We address suicide makes an attempt as really deliberate alternatives, somewhat than elaborate reactions that we know are much better resolved faster, not just puzzled about later.

The issue is, our psychological wellbeing method isn’t set up to intervene at the minute when it is necessary.

Therapists and psychiatrists are still wildly inaccessible. And if you can find one that has availability and is coated by your insurance (assuming you have insurance policy), it usually usually takes months, even months prior to you can in fact see them.

If that clinician is not proficient or a superior suit? That is supplemental months, months, and even decades until eventually you locate somebody who satisfies your wants. Which does not include the months it normally takes for these solutions to begin yielding true effects.

I lately wrote a described piece about a veteran with PTSD, for whom the nearest mental health company that took his insurance coverage was a staggering 4 several hours absent by car or truck. And if he hadn’t experienced obtain to a car? I’m not guaranteed he would however be alive ideal now.

And all this assumes that psychological wellness care isn’t so stigmatized in your neighborhood that you sense empowered to get assistance quicker instead than later, which is merely not the lifestyle we stay in.

This bureaucratic nightmare, combined with stigma, is why lots of folks with mental well being struggles usually really do not seek out assist for virtually a decade (or more) following their symptoms set in, if they seek assistance at all.

And that’s why I bristle at the thoughts I so usually listen to just after a suicide endeavor. “Why didn’t they talk to for assist?” is the erroneous question to request. “What had been they wondering?” is the improper question to inquire.

“What did WE do to support them, as a culture?” is the concern right here. And additional precisely, what were WE thinking, when we set up our mental well being program to be so inaccessible?

I want to challenge us to think about what we’re executing to alter this on a substantive, systemic degree. This isn’t about reaching out. This is a contact-to-motion.

My own suicide notice yrs ago simply just read, “I’m sorry. I just can’t do this any longer.”

Not, “I don’t want to do this.”

Not, “I do not have any other options.”

Not, “I really don’t treatment about my cherished ones.”

I simply just mentioned, “I just can not.” I experienced achieved a position at which I genuinely considered that I could no extended physically withstand the pain that I was in.

This led me to the unexpected emergency space and, even there, I noticed men and women desperately making an attempt to hurt themselves by any suggests they could, staying stopped only simply because they were being restrained by hospital workers.

And this was not because they didn’t have “help” or “options.” It was not even because they weren’t inquiring for assistance. They were in the healthcare facility — they ended up surrounded by people who, in principle anyway, desired to support them.

But their pain was that unbearable, that all-consuming.

How do you carry another person back from that? And more importantly, how do you make sure they really don’t return to that area?

Over and above stopping the act of making an attempt suicide, I want to know how we can assure them that the life they’re returning to is one in which they are truly supported.

No a single ought to ever get to a stage of going through that substantially ache. And if they do, there must be no problem of what resources are in spot to manual them by means of restoration. But our procedure isn’t developed to intervene quicker relatively than later on. Our process isn’t constructed to produce a trustworthy, consistent basic safety internet afterward.

It’s absolutely not intrigued in setting up any real good quality of lifetime, so significantly as it focuses on just preventing dying.

We have a “worst case scenario” mental wellness program, and it is failing. Its efficacy is a sport of luck at very best, a roll of the dice.

If you have coverage entry to transportation the ideal mixture of clinicians, inpatient or outpatient programs, and/or prescription drugs the time to commit to recovery the persistence to continue to keep next up with companies the assist method close to you to assist you when this gets too much to handle and the sheer vitality to navigate the method that is presently overburdened — it’s possible, just probably you will endure.

No one’s livelihood or excellent of lifetime ought to be left to likelihood.

I’m not making an attempt to paint a bleak image. Individuals can and do prosper, and I’m totally an illustration of that.

But not because our system is actually productive at what it does — it is for the reason that I am just one of the fortunate ones that eventually, immediately after quite a few decades, found my way through it.

I can explain to you why I attempted suicide yrs ago, and it is basic: the amount of money of time it took to “recover” exceeded the amount of money of methods I had to cope.

It took eight many years to get the appropriate diagnoses for my mental wellbeing conditions from the time I started out remedy at age 17.

Which indicates it took 8 yrs to discover the suitable medications to handle my OCD, PTSD, and ADHD. And it took 8 decades to discover a therapist that specialised in those places — a therapist that I had to pay out-of-pocket for, simply because my insurance coverage was not taken by any therapists in the space who had openings for new shoppers.

I’m considerably less interested in stopping the act of suicide alone, and additional intrigued in being aware of why our procedure is doing this kind of a terrible job of caring for people who are having difficulties in advance of, throughout, and just after.

When we know before and more compassionate interventions are so crucial, and when we know top quality of lifestyle is exceedingly additional significant than just holding someone alive, we want to start out asking why our method is set up the way it is.

We want to start off demanding that some thing alter — simply because our life depend on it.

Hey there, friend. Just before you go, I want to share some assets with you.

If you are suicidal, contact the National Suicide Avoidance Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255, the Trevor Project at 1-866-488-7386, or achieve the Crisis Textual content Line by texting “START” to 741741.

This is not just a generic “here are some numbers” plug, I assure. This is a “I want you to remain, we need you below, make sure you really don’t go just yet” plea.

Are you a beloved a single that would like to arrive at out to anyone you feel is struggling? Extraordinary. You absolutely should.

I have a guidebook here for how you can offer guidance in concrete approaches.

One particular extra issue: I developed this useful resource totally for cost-free, but your donations aid retain this labor of really like heading.

This web site is not sponsored by any fancy trousers traders that are hoping to promote you stuff.

It is funded by visitors like you through Patreon!

Each and every donation counts. Assist continue to keep means like these accessible to anyone that demands them! And enable purchase me a cup of coffee, due to the fact I produce a whole lot of these weblogs immediately after function, late at night time, so I could absolutely use the caffeine.

  Some credits & gratitude go to… Picture by rawpixel on Unsplash. Artwork by Jessica Krcmarik.

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[hummingbird-operandi]

or Privileged Neurotypical talks about the value of mental illness (value here meaning to society, not to the individual)

I’m pissed. Pissed enough to leave a comment, yet I can’t because they are disabled on the article, so I’m gonna post it here. Google presented this article to me on my New Tab Page and I should’ve known better--in fact I did. 

First he cites Newton and Tesla, which frankly who gives a shit--their personalities have been debated for centuries and to be quite fair, yeah...they probably were. That’s not what irritates me.

“And for every quirky genius like Newton, who, in between re-inventing mathematics and formulating the fundamental laws of physics, probably had varied and interesting conversations with his mother’s sofa, you get people with mental health issues that do extraordinarily awful things as well — think The Unabomber, or crazed cult leaders, or school shooters, “

THE FUCK?! This may not seem like much but reread it and recognize the phrasing that is implied. When someone says ‘for every ____’ it is typically the low number, ‘for every quirky genius’ ---- what he didn’t say was ‘there are more’....simplified into ‘you get people’. So that benefit he is talking about is an implied 1:1000.

Next he quoted a mistranslation so that really just made me more irate, but all in all it’s not that big of a deal---it just makes me question his research. In ancient greece people were thought to HAVE a genius (the word translated loosely into muse) not BE one. It wasn’t until the rise of the west, did people start believing that THEY THEMSELVES were these mystical figures of creation. So this just seemed to have been pulled last minute in a quick search. [In the footnotes he even confirms that he doesn’t know the originator of the quote]

Speaking of footnotes, this gem was in there as well:

If you’re offended by my colloquial use of words like “crazy” or “loony” or “nuts,” then please, kindly fuck off. The stigma of mental illness is not overcome by coddling and protecting people’s feelings, it’s overcome by normalization through free discussion and good humor.

Really? I thought it was through knowledge, discussion, and understanding. Imagine that this is a discussion of race and that those words in quotes were derogatory...that humor would swiftly destroy him and whatever point he’s trying to make.

THEN THERE’S THIS:

It’s like Mother Nature waltzes into the casino every now and then and bellies up to the roulette table to lay all of her money down on double-zero. If she hits it, the payout is big (with someone like an Isaac Newton, who ironically, never married or had kids, but increased the reproductive fitness of humanity for centuries after he lived). But if she comes up with nothing, then she ends up broke and looking to sneak into the all-you-can-eat buffet without being noticed.

Lemme break this down, ‘the payout is big (with someone like Isaac Newton’ meaning that his value on this earth was high because he contributed to it despite the odds being stacked against him. ‘who ironically, never married or had kids’ he is saying ironic here, in reference to the next sentence (even though it’s actually coincidence not irony) but what I find more troubling is that the author is alluding to the fact that he did not pass on anything genetically...but given the context of the articlue thus far, I really think that he believes that Newton’s kid would be just as gifted because why the fuck not.

Now he dives into the part where he tells us just exactly how kinda crazy he is, and that some of his best friends are kinda crazy.

 I’ve learned over the years that my brain’s tendency towards quick boredom and constant need for novel stimulation is likely what drives my creativity as a writer.17 My wife’s obsessiveness about detail (and her scary degree of cleanliness) is also the thing that makes her such a talented designer and artist. She sees the tiny errata that make all the difference. My friend’s almost psychopathic willingness to question everything people do and believe is what makes him such a good psychologist. Another friend’s quirkiness and social awkwardness is what makes him willing to take on huge entrepreneurial risks that have sometimes paid off big.

The examples could go on forever. But the point here is that a certain degree of insanity seems to be beneficial sometimes. It’s just a matter of directing that insanity in the right direction.

And since we’re all a little bit insane, then our awareness of our own eccentricities and tendencies has very real consequences for our own lives. Learn your brain. Learn its quirks. How is it different than others’? How is it the same?

He also wrote before this a few random examples (maybe the girl with anxiety writes a cool book, maybe the pyschopath is a efficient ceo and maybe the shy kid in calculus will blah blah blah) but I didn’t include them because they are simply strawmen arguments.

But then in the passage above you see it again...don’t stigmatize people because they will show their worth in other ways. With every example there’s a positive. They end up doing something for everyone else. Here’s a fun fact, and by fun I mean soul-crushing--most people with mental illness are neither the Newtons nor the (insert white male terrorist here) but actually just regular people who are hindered by their brain or body. That girl with anxiety probably won’t write that book, because deadlines are nightmarish. That psychopath probably won’t be an efficient CEO because they simply lack empathy, and that shy kid in calculus, well...they probably WILL do something great but that’s more attuned to the fact that numbers are better than people. People are aweful.

This article is clearly written for the neurotypical who romanticizes mental illness--and that’s not subjective either--the author makes a distinct difference.

We need stable, “boring” people to create the stable and boring industries we depend on every day, like the water and electric companies and the grocery store. And we need a lot of these people. They create the backbone of civilization.

But like our tribal ancestors, modern society needs wildcards and weirdos too. Humanity needs some source of innovation in order to take a gamble just as much as we need the stability that runs our everyday lives.

This is meant for the creative type who need assurance that they indeed are unique, and that maybe just maybe, they are the ones that ‘mother nature bet all of her chips on’ without of course having to deal with mental illness on a day to day affair.

Many people have some degree of shame around the way their brain works. They’re too sensitive, they’re told. Or they’re too brooding and introspective. Or they spend way too much time screwing around with fantasy novels and drawing pictures. Or they’re too fastidious and obsessive about their appearance, or too hyper and manic, or whatever.

My response is this: Own it. Like any other part of your body, your mind comes pre-packaged with its own advantages and disadvantages. Learn them and use them well. And the way to do that is not through blind conformity or through hiding your idiosyncrasies. It’s through accepting them and then expressing them.

The first paragraph seems incredibly dismissive; like someone dealing with racing thoughts and mania is just stressing themselves out. Then the second paragraph seems to give permission to claim the (slightly) crazy.

I didn’t learn this until I was living with my wife, but I have a really weird thing about people moving my stuff. It’s completely irrational, but something as simple as my wife moving my coat from the living room to the entry hall bugs the living hell out of me.

UGH! I fucking hate this. “Oh my god I wash my hands like so much, I’m soooooo OCD” Fuck you, fuck your quirk, if someone said “deal with this for five minutes and you’ll get $10,000″ you and probably most of the poeple you know, would. But even if someone with OCD desperately NEEDED that money--that five minutes could be life or death. Pet peeve ��� obsessive compulsion.

Want to know what the real surprising benefit is? I only have to pay .75 cents to ride the bus...that’s about it.

Other than that much of my life is simply having to deal with my brain and it’s “brooding introspective manic quirkiness” (which is his words, but I feel is a nicer way of way of saying spontaneous intrusive suicidal thoughts) or striking that balance between busy-enough-that-I-don’t-feel-stagnant-BUT-not-so-busy-I-forget-to-eat-for-several-days, or simply trying to have a socially normal life when people like this guy are normalizing the dismissal of people like me.