#it probably wont happen in my lifetime

[guardiandae]

*exits work at 11pm*

*watches a beat up truck with mismatched doors go wheezing through the intersection*

(narrating to myself aloud) "Ah. It's the Beater Hour. The time of night when all the illegally stickered vehicles come out."

*looks to the other side of the intersection*

*squints Judgingly at the jeep sitting at the traffic light with no headlights on*

*headlights turn on. Turn off. Driver exits vehicle, cursing to himself and pops the hood while muttering 'this is ridiculous' and fixing something, then gets back in*

*watches the jeep, also beat up and with mismatched doors, go wheezing away through the intersection*

not sure if impressed with myself for being so right, or unsettled 😅

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

[pasta5284]

watching the world rly descend into fascism over the years is just so upsetting i dont even know how to process it

[starswallowingsea]

looking at the notes of that last poll was a mistake

[revindicatedbyhistory]

communist debate will get REALLY crazy when most countries in the world become socialist

[marlshroom]

came to the fucked up realization after finishing gravity falls again last night the parallels of the dream bubble bill made for mabel and the literal state of delusion he keeps himself in.

in the book of bill on the page where bill cipher describes how he figured out a way to manipulate her into giving him the rift, it says:

"Summers ending, my guy. Ending to death, bro. She'd do anything to make it last just a day longer. Probably something RASH and OUT OF CHARACTER, even!"

as we know, mabel cannot handle the fact that she will be growing up. that the relationship with her brother is going to change. she is scared of high school.

bill then says "That was it. She'd never make a deal with me. But she'd make a deal with someone she believed could give her more time. The dream was done. I had her."

bill then creates the dream bubble for mabel, he makes every one of her dreams come true, a place where time is still and she can be a kid forever. a lie so great that she wont have to face the truth.

in journal 3 on one of the pages bill is writing in code, we see this:

[ID: "I ask you, why must[should] time only move forward? Why must cause preceded effect. Who voted on the law of physics."]

my friend helped me break down what bill means by this:

why can we only move forward in the 4th dimension of time. why does something have to make another thing happen, why must cause come before the effect. why cant you move backwards, in the other direction, change the decisions youve made.

how interpret this is bill asking why he is not able to back and stop what he did to his family. he says to ford that he tried and failed to undo the past.** why did him wanting people to acknowledge his advantages instead of suppress him lead to the destruction of his whole dimension?

**(i just want to point out that this is probably the time where bill is the MOST open to anybody, or at least the first. to his henchmaniacs he had been telling them that he liberated his dimension until the oracle discovered the truth. here, to ford, he got so much closer to telling the truth. he SHOWS ford the last atoms of his world. he says that it was destroyed by a monster, not that it was liberated! destroyed)

back to when bill says "I had her" about mabel, he had her cause he knew exactly what needed to happen to trap mabel in a delusion because it is exactly what he is doing to himself. creating a fake narrative of what happened to him, that he was vindicated in killing his whole dimension. only ever doing exactly what he wants because confronting the truth is too scary for him(good fucking lord). the morality page offers good insight into this too.

i am actually just going to quote the whole page and highlight the important part. it speaks for itself really

"THE POINT IS it's[morality] is a very flexible concept! But parents and presidents don't want you to know that, because then you might start asking other questions, like who put them in charge, anyway? So they cram your brain full of guilt and regrets for transgressing the laws that they just made up(the laws that they made to prevent the destruction of their dimension, regardless of if the law + the wrongful medication of a fucking baby triangle did any good to actually prevent it). Wouldn't it be nice if you could put all that baggage down? Quell the shame that follows you everywhere for a lifetime of crimes? MAKE THE SCREAMS FINALLY STOP? The good news is you CAN silence that annoying voice, and here's how!

DENIAL

Works 100% of the time in every situation. What you you mean there are people who disagree? I can confidently say there aren't!

RATIONALIZATION

If you can do it, you can justify it! "Truth" is open-source code and anyone can edit it anytime! Want to be like me? List 3 "evil" things and then 3 "reasons why they're actually good." You'll be rationalizing like Bill in no time!

DETACHMENT

Did you know 100% of your human cells die and are replaced every 7 years? That means that anything you did 7 years ago wasn't even you-it was some dead loser! You can't be held accountable for what a dead person did! What? You think this is just another form of rationalization? I DENY THAT!

THE BILL CIPHER DECISION METHOD!

Working over the eons, the voices in my head teamed up and worked out a foolproof method for making any decision in any situation.

DO WHATEVER I WANT."

ooooooooooooooooooh boy.

he is fully admitting here that he is living in a completely different really in order to justify doing whatever he wants. he gives mabel the tools to deny, to rationalize, to detach herself from the reality of it all. that time has to move forward. and he thinks it will work because it worked on himself.

but it doesn't work on mabel because she understands that she needs other people. shes vunerable, she lets people in, admits when shes wrong. and bill cant do that because it would destroy the fantasy he's created for himself.

[correctproseka]

Been thinking about absolutely strong An has been through this event.

- Finds out her aunt died from her uncle after he said her team would never beat RAD Weekend in their lifetime

- Watched her colleagues (EVER, Arata, Kotaru) get decimated in a singing battle SECONDS AFTER by the same uncle who broke the sad news to them (Arata especially getting Shredded from Taiga’s remarks about carrying dreams since he carries Soma’s dream of becoming the best singer ever)

- Later performing against said uncle with her team WHILE STILL PROCESSING NAGI’S DEATH, WHAT TAIGA IS DOING, and other thoughts racing in her head, only to get eviscerated by him sINCE SHES GOING THROUGH A LOT AT THE MOMENT MENTALLY (“Your Aunt’s dead, your team wont ever beat me, lets have a rap battle now!!” - Taiga)

- Seeing said colleagues leave seemingly forever because their dreams have been shattered, only having her own team

- Her father finding them and telling her the whole truth, which included the reason why until now everyone had been LYING TO HER FOR YEARS about Nagi’s condition

AND THIS HAPPENS ALL IN ONE DAY

AND SHE GETS RIGHT BACK UP AFTER A FEW MOMENTS OF GRIEVING NAGI’S DEATH

She gets back up, thats true, but lets make a few things clear.

She only gets back up because she has her team and her dad. If anyone in her team had given up, i dont think she could've handled. And as much as she is rightfully angry at her dad, he is also a good reason she can stay as confident as she is.

Plus, we know that whatever happened was NOT acceptance, well, it kind of was, but also not. You know the stages of grief are.. weird. An skipped denial (or we can count those three years as denial), right into anger- and she unleashed that anger while singing, and is angry at her town and at her dad- and in between anger she has depression, i would say they're both so intertwined you can barely see which is which. She can't bargain, or maybe she's bargaining at herself, she cant fully break down in front of Taiga, or until she learns of everything.

And once she does, more at side cards than in the actual story. Here comes the acceptance, alongside again more depression. You just know she possibly cried herself to sleep that night- if she slept at all. But also, yes, An is strong, but we cant just ignore the fact that she set her feelings to the side enough to cry at a safe place- and that she has her team to lift her up.

Because for one. Nagi is right. If An knew about it before she met Kohane, and before they formed Vivid Bad Squad, An would have given up on music all together, not that she wasn't strong then, she would have gotten over with that situation, probably EASIER without yknow. Knowing it three years later. But also the main reason she was into music would be gone, so what was the point? Now she has more people- and more reasons- to be into music.

Just adding salt to the wound yknow.

Also my headcanon is that after An was. Like yknow, not fighting tears just because of Nagi's name (which took like a full week), Ken took her to the cemetery where Nagi is, which made An cry all over again but helped her mourn since she never had the chance to, he walked away to give them a bit of privacy while An talks to the grave to give Nagi updates about her life and in the end, she feels more determined than ever, she leaves a little drawing of the vbs logo on top of it and goes back more at peace than when she came in.

[cows-wearing-my-sweater]

thinking about matty and u clearly having mutual feelings for each other. and hes such a cocky bastard that u dont understand why he wont just be straight up with u and say it. but really hes just terrified of fucking it up somehow. so ur both just painfully pining for each other but no one is saying what everyones thinking. and the whole time matty is just trying to learn how to be soft around u because yk. sincerity is scary !!!! but as time goes on the words "i love you" start getting extremely difficult to not say and all of a sudden smthn clicks in mattys head and he just needs to make a fuckin move and idk exactly how it happens but. one day it falls into place and u share this kiss that makes u both realize this kind of love transcends actual words or like. verbal explanations of what this feeling is. and maybe matty is just in ur arms and without really thinking about it he just says "i dont want you to think this ego thing is who i really am. i want to place my heart in your hands and trust you with it. i want to love every last moment of you, if youll have me."

i should probably write this as a full length thing but ... u guys know me well enough to know that will take approximately an entire lifetime to happen

[sabaramonds]

long time no post CW for discussions of suicide & homophobia ahead as well as mentions of yunos sex work so in my periphery i see a lot of people saying 1. kazui hates yuno and 2. part of the reason why they seem themselves in one another is because kazui represses his sexuality while yuno is open about hers neither of these are true

you can dislike someone without hating them by virtue of being discomforted by the fact they are similar to you (self recognition through the eyes of the other (derogatory)) and. as for yuno being 'open' about her sexuality. well...i would say shes in tune with her own, but she isnt 'open' about it? unless es makes the details of each trial public among the prisoners (excluding the final judgement, of course) or she told people herself, nobody would know she does sex work. and i dont think shes told people, because why would she? what yuno and kazui recognize in each other isnt necessarily related to sexuality at all, but the masks they both wear and cant take off. neither of them can fully shed the facade they hide behind because to do so would result in a social death. they would, for different yet similar reasons, be stigmatized by their families and society at large. yeah, yuno says she comes from a supportive household (and this could be a lie. she could be lying.) but would that be true if her family found out she does sex work for whatever reason? not likely. and kazui has already said his family 'must find [me] embarrassing' upon being asked if theyre proud of him. if they discovered the truth of his sexuality in the aftermath of his wifes death (suicide?) then that would make sense, though if hinako killed herself then it could be theyre unaware of that truth and are ashamed of him for other reasons im a bit unsure about the current political climate re: suicide in japan (im saying this and you guys do not want to see the tabs i have open rn LOL) and how its viewed by the older generation in particular, but its generally tolerated, shamed, or honorable depending on the context. mental health issues are often ignored, particularly by older generations; to commit suicide to right an apparent wrong or repent (one form of which you all might be familiar with is seppuku) is looked at as a moral responsibility in some cases. so um. basically part of what im saying is that if hinako killed herself to escape the social fallout of not only potential divorce but also from having had a gay husband, she would be looked at with pity and empathy while kazui would be, of course, derided and considered a social pariah - if that is what happened and if it came to light. and, well, what do people think would happen if yuno, 18 years old, not even culturally an adult (until 2022, just last year, 20 was not only the traditional age of being considered an adult in japan but also legally - it was only last year that they made it legal to vote and sign up for loans and their own credit stuff without their parents backing them) and shes doing sex work. if it became public knowledge, her family would be devastated. she could get disowned, she could lose her social standing among friends, among other probable issues that could arise so what kazui and yuno see in one another isnt really related to sexuality at all. yuno looks at kazui and sees a man who has spent his whole lifetime hiding himself from not only the world but from his own self and she doesnt want that for herself; kazui looks at her and sees a girl who is hiding her honest self from everyone and in that he sees himself, which isnt helped by the fact she has subtly implied shes well aware of what it is he hides from the world like recognizes like etc. anyway thats all. double in is in like 2 weeks and i wont survive it

[kozykricket]

im voting for the scrubbadingo i mean the armadillo because as much as i love the crab and penguin for being more unique than just generic usual penguin/crab, and representing a unique critter, teaching me of something that i didnt know existed (fiddler crabs are very neat) ...i just cant see myself interacting with them that much? like, okay, yes crab claws are the most useful of the uses, but im not looking to how useful they are very much im looking for a mix of how cute they are and how i think theyll effect my general experience. and even if i pretend that mangroves spawned often, would i really interact with crabs that often? id probably just grab a claw and be outta there, which could be annoying if it took a lot of time, or just... mm, i think id rather reaching farther be not related to a random animal penguins seem goofy and fun but boats are fast enough, and i see myself just kinda... spending a BIT of time with them ig? but not really appreciating them but armadillos? they spawn in the biome that currently, i view as just a disappointment honestly. i feel disdain seeing savannas, since theyre just like, worse plains with occasional llamas? plus, they could eat termites if they ever get out of the ideas purgatory honestly, i just... theyre all so cute, and 2 of them represent really cool creatures that should get more attention, but i just cant see myself playing with them much. armadillos i can imagine myself having a farm of, especially if the scutes are passive instead of... once in a lifetime like turtles, which creates just. me killing turtles. same might happen for crabs tbh. id love to have crabs, because theyre a unique twist on the usual crab design, and they are silly and cute lil guys. if they win, ill be happy. itll also mean that a lot of mods wont need to have crabs necessarily or can more easily make beach crabs based on these ones but hey, armadillos r nice. maybe their scutes could even be a potion material! and maybe, maybe just maybe, wolf armor will make mojang realize just how squishy pets are, when they add it and realize that wolves will still die in like 2 hits. maybe pets in general could get more safety buffs, to make the wolf armor seem relevant, since mojang only really likes giving attention to areas of the game if theres something new theyre adding thats relevant to it. if we get crabs, why would they improve pets at all? also, i do want to name armadillos scrubbadingo, habanero, jalapeno, vine sauce.

[thatonesystemig]

What it's like to have cptsd, did, and schizoaffective disorder

(Tw: this goes into my past and involves horrible things that happened to me like abuse and SA)

Not speaking for everyone else's experience being diagnosed with DID, CPTSD, or schizoaffective, but this is what I went through, have been going through for a bit, and will probably go through until the day I die or the inevitable heat death of the universe happens, whichever comes first:

I can't control when I switch "personalities", better known as alters. I can't control what triggers me to switch, and the triggers change depending on what alter I am at the moment. Each of my alters have a very small grip/understanding on what gets us to switch.. but we can't just make it happen when we want to like others that have the same disorder can seem to do.

When I get overly anxious or feel too much of an emotion I get very lovely textile and auditory hallucinations. The specific textile hallucinations are what I call "the crawlies", where it feels like there are bugs literally crawling all over me. It's very itchy and ive nearly scratched myself raw from it before. Auditory hallucinations range anywhere from single words, the stupidest shit, demonic voices, violent voices, just overall negative voices, etc. I've heard it all

I only know who I am (half the time) based on how I type/talk, how I act, walk, what pronouns/name feels like 'me' in that moment, etc. Sure we're able to "talk" with each other, mainly by journaling and looking back/looking back at texts we've sent people or posts we've made on social media. We make mental notes on each other by reading things we've wrote/been told we do. Like I have 3 alters that switch between fronting, and 4 that are mainly protectors/harmy/a little that stay out of the way that I only know exist due to what I've seen and been told. By the way, what I mean by "little" for those that don't know is that my brain gets so fucked up when I switch sometimes it's like I woke up one day as a 4-5 year old. Like im convinced im 4-5, i only have the mental capacity of a 4-5 year old. Its super fucking embarassing and I hate it because one of the very few times I switched into that alter I got taken advantage of by someone I was with for 10+ years. But I'll get into it later. I dont know when I do it unless that alter becomes traumatized by something that happens in that state and you know, I have constant nightmares every fucking night about it. Yeah apparently that's a thing that can happen. I dont control it. I just blank out and have other people tell me that alter was in control, or that I was acting weird.

I have absolutely shit memory, and the blanking out is hellish. I feel like I have dementia, and unfortunately, with most schizo-typal disorders, I most likely will unless they somehow find something to prevent or reverse that in my lifetime. I know I'm most likely going to end up in either an asylum, nursing home, or a ward the rest of my life when I get older due to being so far gone. I journal so much now because when I'm to that point, I want my family to remember the person (or should I say the parts that make up me ig) I used to be. Im absolutely terrified of where my mental health is going to be when I'm 50+ because I've been in and out of psych wards since I was 14 (mainly just to adjust meds when psychs wont do their job or my trauma gets to me way too badly, worry not, im not TOO crazy lmao.. tho I am crazy ngl). I also take 6-7 pills a day depending on the day I'm having (some are as needed). Im only 27 yet I'm already starting to lose a grip on reality and I'm terrified. My trauma and multitudes of mental health issues drive me fucking insane. It's terrifying when you don't remember a majority of your life, let alone what yesterday was like, other than the trauma that constantly haunts you and what you write to your friends/in journals/have to look back on.

Art is my biggest passion, and I hope when I die from either my own hand/my mental health getting to the point of no return I can at least be remembered for that. I know it's cringy chubby furry girls and landscapes but it makes me so happy to draw.

My mental health, especially my DID, is something I'm completely ashamed to talk about other than on reddit, my secret tumblr, and with certain friend groups on discord for a multitude of reasons. Those being that I don't know who to trust with this information anymore. My ex used it to his advantage and did shit to me (technically my little) and I still have nightmares over to the point where I stay up from 1-2 days at a time then sleep for a full day. Force myself to say up by drinking a shit ton of coffee and smoking nearly a pack a day. Didn't realize the shit happened until after the same nightmare kept replaying over and over and over in my head. Kept it to myself because I really loved this guy. Didn't want to believe he was a monster. Kept telling myself that wasnt what really happened, that it was my brain making it up.

I was with him for 10 years, we planned to get married and spend the rest of our lives together. But it's been over a year since the incident happened and the trauma keeps snowballing. After the incident I went from wanting to be around him 24/7 along with the other partner we were with, to being so scared and driven to near panic whenever either of them would call or text and being afraid to go outside out of fear of seeing them. Still struggle with that. I finally realized it was an actual memory after I talked to my psych about it.

She told me not only did I have the same trauma and reaction to this all as a victim of SA, after I explained to her how it felt like it was much more than a dream because there were way too many.. specific things, but that when it comes to people with some form of PTSD, they either have 'flashbacks' or nightmares of the very traumatic event over and over again and relive it. Mostly seen in veterines and people who have gone through shitty stuff like me. We also talked about other things that went on in the relationship over the 10 years we were together because there was a lot of stuff that happened to me that was nowhere NEAR normal and I was convinced that it was because my feelings were always invalidated, i was always told what made me upset was nothing to be upset over, that everything they both did to me was normal. Psych what they did was abuse, that they both seem to have narcissistic tendencies, and seemed to have this weird need to control me and make me into what they wanted me to be. And of course my dumbass didn't fucking listen until it all came to a head.

I finally broke up with him just as it started to snowball, right after our other partner broke up with me for venting in my discord server of all things, about something that wasn't even vaguely related to them because it made them look bad that I couldnt come to either one of them, despite them getting mad at me and kinda resenting me for coming to them too much because "I needed to deal with it on my own and not rely on anyone as much." Though to be fair, I was coming to them a lot so I can kinda get where they're coming from. Idk I think I just. Expected a relationship to fix me? Idk, still thinking about this one.

Then they'd get mad when I went to friends to vent about anything because apparently it makes them look like bad partners?? Idk. I kinda spaced out those past few months aside from the fucked up stuff they did to me, but somewhere between a visit with my psych and a week long stay at the psych ward when i was about ready to cease existance from not wanting to face the truth, my original childhood diagnosis of PTSD was changed to CPTSD. Still don't really understand the difference tbh. To me theyre just forms of PTSD, C in front of it or not. If youre wondering why i had the diagnosis of PTSD in the first place, i went through some very fucked up shit as a kid ive already worked through. Then i subjected myself to even more fucked up shit because of love and i also thought it was the best there was and everyone was like that. Yeahhhh there was a lot of fucked up shit in that relationship.

I stayed friends with them after the fact despite how much it was fucking with my mental health because despite what my psych said, I was still in complete denial of what happened to me and it was easier to accept their lies than the truth. I confronted him about it. He didn't say anything, he just blocked me. Then my other ex, his partner, messaged me asking to explain. So I explained to them and they p much told me they both didn't know I was in that state.. when they both knew because they both acknowleged I was. Both knew i have DID. Both knew who i was. They even went as far to acknowlege that alter and kept me away from their family the same night it happened because they didnt want their family to see me like that. I know this because the same fucking scene replays in my head when I sleep, like when I had to eat out on the porch away from the family while they all ate inside because they didnt want them to see that im that fucked in the head, nor explain it.

I can still taste the fucking steak and feel the summer breeze. Isn't that hilarious.

They also told me he didn't stop because I didn't use the safe word (when I told him repeatedly I didn't want to, when I told him I was scared, and he told me to "just fucking do it anyways" "don't be scared, it's what mommies and daddies do") Then I let him do whatever because everyone in my body loved and trusted this guy so i should too right??

So I forced myself to believe what I was told I kept telling myself that it was just in my head, I just had some fucked up repetitive nightmare that was the same that scared me too badly, and that they'd never do that to me.

The trauma kept getting worse. I kept having that same god damn nightmare. But started having different nightmares that weren't trauma based that did involve them. Still made me terrified to sleep. I want to forget how they both look. How they both sound. Everything about them so I can fucking move on with my life. Every single night, be it reliving one of the most traumatic events of my life, or just a regular dream, they fucking worm their way in and show up and turn it into a nightmare because I start panicking.

Half the time I sleep in the chair because I kick my husband or my roomie/best friend in my sleep (yes we share a bed it's complicated). I hate hurting either of them. Ive done it multiple times and I really don't want my personal demons to keep them from getting the rest they need.

I confided in a handful of my most trusted friends about it like idk, 3-5 months after it happened. I wasnt doing it to start shit or "spread rumors" like they told all our mutual friends when one of those friends told them about what i hoped theyd keep to themselves (a lot I didn't even tell. And a lot didn't know what 'rumors' he was talking about until they asked me). I did it because I was hurting and I felt so alone and broken. That it was some dirty little secret I kept. I just wanted someone to comfort me because I felt so fucking alone.

The trauma still hits. From when the incident happened up until now, I developed really bad agoraphobia. I was afraid of going outside at all because there's a few people in the trailer park I live in with the same make, model, and color of the car they have and im paranoid that maybe they moved into the park im at and I didn't know.

I was afraid of going out in public in the slight chance that they might be where I am. And the one moment I got comfortable enough to go back to my favorite coffee shop location for the first time in many, many months I swore I heard one of their voices and thought they were talking shit about me and had to leave. I had a breakdown in the car and just. Cried for awhile, all during the ride home and a little after. Thankfully my roomie/best friend was with me to calm me down while i drove (only reason she didnt is because i was trying to force myself to focus on something. Anything) Then I became so numb when i got home. I just leaned back on the loveseat in my room and stared at the ceiling for god knows how long, feeling not.. there. Then i blacked out. Don't really remember what happened after but the next time I guess, gained consciousness was the next day while I was in the middle of making coffee. So because of this experience I'm even more paranoid of leaving the house so I just don't. I don't even hang out with friends. I'm too scared of seeing their car on the road when I'm driving.

I know this all sounds really stupid and yall probably think I'm beyond crazy or need to be in a psych ward idk.

I mainly keep my mental health to myself now other than with my family, online friends who don't live near me and can't physically harm me with the information, or very very close friends with similar issues to me that have an understanding of it. because I've realized even the people you trust with your entire life, no matter how long they've known you for, how much they claim to love you, will use your shit mental health to take advantage of you when they think they can get away with it.

And despite how bad it sounds, it's not all doom and gloom. I met my best friend when I went to the psych ward around the time me and the exes broke up. I know the doctors tell you not to do that at all, but if I didn't, I wouldn't be where I am now. I thank God every single day I didnt listen to those doctors. She offered me a place to stay, and since an ex friend of mine that lived with me kept trying to drag me into dangerous stuff with them, I agreed.

My best friend, what started out as her boyfriend, and I started dating a few months after I moved in because I fell. Very deeply in love with them. Yeah I knew it probably wasn't a good idea but they were the first people that I ever felt like.. I actually belonged with. They'd tell me how much they love me and appreciate me all the time, how my best friend always wants me to be a parent to her 3 year old even if anything happens between us.

Well, hate to spoil it, but my best friend and I did break it off, she also broke it off with my boyfriend, but we're still on good terms (otherwise I wouldn't call her my best friend lol) and I still consider her son my son aahahha.

Anyways, about our living situation. Everyone living in the house are: My hubby, my hubbys ex and her partner because they have an agreement they'd all always coparent their kids together, let them grow up together, and not let their relationship not working out keep them from living together and raising the kiddos together cuz it was just easier that way. Together my fiance and his ex have 3 boys, one being nearly out the door because he's an adult. My fiancé's ex and her partner have a little girl together who I have the pleasure of being the god mother of, and my best friend and her toddler which I also consider mine. She's also on her way out the door, settling some custody stuff first with her baby daddy, then moving her and the kiddo elsewhere.

I know this sounds stressful, but its actually the opposite. Yeah as a family we get on each other's nerves, but we all love each other. We rarely fight. My fiancé's ex and her partner are also some of my closest friends as well, in fact we have a little ladies night coming up where were gonna let my god daughter do our hair, makeup, and nails. She requested we wear face masks with little cucumbers over the eyes like in the movies. She's precious.

And then my fiance, I flip between calling him my fiance and hubby because we're getting officially married on the 9th haha. And ik what it sounds like, yall might think my best friend is jealous or upset over it. No. The breakup was on mutual terms, and she's even offered to let me wear her old wedding dress since we're the same size, so I'm really looking forward to that.

For once in my life, after all the pain I've been through, I feel like I belong somewhere. I feel like i belong right here. And ive never felt like that before. I was trying to convince myself that with my exes, told myself that being with them is what true happiness feels like, that i belonged, because life really is that shitty and i should just settle for that because it wont get better. This is better than the horrible shit you went through in your childhood, so it must be the best, right? Then i moved in. Fell in love with the family, with how they accepted me. for once i know what true happiness feels like. My hubby, all my kids and everyone in the house adores me and make sure I know every day in different ways. And don't get me wrong, just because I felt like I didn't belong anywhere in the past doesnt mean I didn't love/care for the people I lived with, or that I'm not greatful for what they've done for me and all that. I just felt like a burden more than I was wanted around because a lot of folks couldn't accept my mental health issues/didn't like my breakdowns/got tired of me/started to resent me/etc.

But for once I feel like I'm not a burden. That I belong somewhere. Being a step mother and wife have given me this purpose, and I've been here for a year now. For once I don't feel like I have to do anything to earn love because its just freely given.

As scared as I am of the future, and as much as I hate dealing with my mental health issues and trauma, I didn't go through all that shit for nothing, because if I didn't go through what I went through, I wouldn't be where I am now.

I wouldn't have ended up in the psych ward from the crippling trauma and thoughts. I wouldn't have met my best friend. I wouldn't have met my husband. I wouldn't have met my family or found where I truly belonged.

Anyways, I'm going to end this whole essay about my life since my hubby wants me to come into the bedroom and cuddle him and talk for a bit. That'll cheer me up a bit more, besides who can resist a cuddly cutie?

If you read all this, thank you for coming to my Ted talk

[papayajuan2019]

what helps you decide whether or not to make a Big Move in love or to Play It Cool/Slow Burn?

youve caught me at a time where i will tell you that you can't decide. i'm feeling emotional, my answer will be too.

making yourself decide means becoming intellectual about it. intellect cant be the crutch when it comes to love. you have to open yourself to what you truly want in the situation. if it's curiosity you feel swelling inside you, take the slow burn approach. get to know the person, poke and prod lovingly. flirt til the slow burn heats the environment. the warmness will reveal how far to take it.

if you feel an unrelenting passion, a momentum you know inside wont go away until you give in, then make the bigger move. be earnest towards yourself. towards the other person. doesnt mean you have to be dramatic or confessional, but be real. you're probably holding back from the bigger move because you dont know what will happen afterwards. you'll have a whole lifetime of that kind of reluctancy, in all realms of life. why not fight in the face of it in this one realm?

you'll find that the decision is already made, it's been felt out. you've asked the question, so you're practically at the answer. what's left now is to act on it.

[red-might-be-dead]

You should theoretically use this ask as an excuse to ramble about the prince au👁️👁️

Theoretically

tigers101? THE fnc guy? in MY asks? what a day

(i totally didn't spend ten minutes screaming at my beta reader about this, nope, nuh uh (she says hello))

heads up im pretty sure im a shitty writer so dont expect too much from this fic lmaoo

as of right now the au doesnt have a name (weeps and cries) i have only ever named one of my wip fics well and it took like two months (weeps and cries AGAIN)

the whole au is set across their lifetime from 7-9 to 25-30 (possibly to older if i do an epilogue who knows) and its probably going to contain a lot of my attempts to be funny, as well as my attempts to be romantic and angsty, we'll see what happens!

i have only written one chapter so far, its about 2k words that i wrote in one night and then edited in two (its a blur, dont ask). its set when the albatrio are around 8 and their older siblings (Ava, Lizzie and Edyn) are around 14-15. maybe all of the chapters will be about 2k words? i might fizzle out and die though so... then again i have a 10k wip in my drive that was supposed to be multi chapter, i dont know if i will ever publish that lmaoo

i think most of the fic will be in chips pov since i feel like i write him the best, maybe some gill pov?? jay pov even?? who knows! not me thats for sure!

it wont only have fnc in it, it actually has more waning crescent in it as of the first chapter. i think it should have some clockwork rivals as well!!

i might not even finish it though, but ive had like a fuck ton of support for it over the last few days which is MENTAL, like i haven't even started it yet, where did you all come from???

also expect british spellings. i am sorry. i might have to use the word mum. or colour. im so sorry.

i dont really have much else to say about it other than the fact it's plot was though up during a three hour car journey and there is like an unconventional arranged marriage trope??? i don't even know if im using that word correctly but im to sleepy to care.

also the entire google doc is in multicoloured comic sans because i am incapable of taking myself seriously, goodnight :D!!

[bonesandthebees]

4. the deathlings' fight for freedom and it's role in the story

tbh I also didnt think to wonder about whether they won or not. maybe bc from wilbur point of view the goal was standing up against his past/letting go of the pythia and getting out of there with tommy and alive

all in all their situation is so interesting and kinda weird? bc like wilbur is going thru his own thing, being kidnapped but at the same time the temple becoming his escape from his abusive life in the palace and the fight against schlatt and his court was his chance for actual freedom and closure

but the deathlings have been "fighting" against schlatt for years, probably even longer than they have been alive there were deathlings before them hoping to be free and its clear most of them never thought it would happen during their lifetime so while they were technically trying to win they were mostly just surviving in the temple (and while from wilburs pov they were living a nice community life together they had to get in danger to steal food and couldnt really leave so was it really living) and even kidnapping the pythia was a spontaneous shot in the dark and now its worked out and they arent illegal anymore and they can theoretically live a normal life and like some of them have probably never had that before, I mean tommy, tubbo, aimsey, ranboo theyre all so young they mustve joined as kids

but at the same time we dont know how its going to work out in reality, the laws and the publics opinion arent one and the same and they have been painted out as terrorists for so long and like look at erets kingdom its not illegal there but still a taboo and there are just so many questions about what will come and how its gonna go, but that doesnt mean the win isnt a win

and we might not learn what will happen and we probably wont learn much more about the deathlings' pasts too but thats bc it isnt what this story is about, this one is about wilbur and from his pov so it makes sense yk

I actually really like this uncertainty, but also its not like you were left hanging at the end of the fic, we never even knew the beginning or most of the deathlings' story in general, we just get a glimpse at it while wilbur stays with them

yeah that's the thing, I didn't want the deathlings whole fight to be the focus because that wasn't wilbur's focus. wilbur's story was about finding his own sense of self and putting the pieces of his identity back together. the deathlings goals aligned with his and of course he wants them to have their freedom, but he's got other things on his mind.

(also this isn't related to glass really but since you grouped aimsey in with the 'kids' I do just wanna point out that even though I don't always match cc ages to character ages, cc!aimsey is only a month younger than cc!niki so in glass I kind of imagined a similar thing, with glass!aimsey being around 20-21. still definitely young, but a bit older than tommy, tubbo, and ranboo)

anyway yeah the thing is we're not going to know how it all shakes out. the fear and prejudice against death worship has gone on for a century if not longer, it's not something that's going to disappear overnight. but the important thing is it won't be outright illegal. the deathlings won't be hunted down (presuming they don't commit anymore acts of mass terrorism).

i'm glad you like these aspects of ambiguity! I really like leaving certain things vague at the end of my fics because I feel like it's a bit boring to just give all the answers. I like leaving things up to reader's imagination and glass is no exception. and like you said, it was never wilbur's main focus. he had his own story separate from the deathlings, there just happened to be some overlap for a short while.

[kinthinia]

Its not fair.

This was supposed to be my good year. I got married; I love my husband, hes such a good, stable support in my life. I loved my wedding. We're taking a 2 week honeymoon in September that Im supposed to be excited about. I WANT to be excited for. But it feels like a lifetime away, and my wedding feels like it happened a lifetime ago instead of 4 weeks ago.

Last August I got Covid. In September, I went back to work. There was something like 5 long weekends back to back and I was the only employee. I couldnt catch up; it was impossible.

In October, my work had a "staff meeting" with me to discuss my work problems. They declared I was depressed, insisted it was the problem, changed my shifts and routines.

I saw my family doctor for the first time, saw a counsellor too. After 2 months they were both in agreement that while I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder with Low Mood, PTSD, reaction adjustment disorder, and probable CPTSD, these didnt affect my work performance.

Work got slammed in January/February. In March, with no written or verbal warnings prior, my work cut my hours 1.5 months prior to my wedding. From full-time to part-time.

I got a new job for June. It wasnt a good fit and we agreed to go separate ways. Found a new job same day.

But I just. I cant turn my anxiety off. I usually escape. Just vanish into video games or tv or books but the anxiety is my body and it wont go away. It wont stop.

Like a can of wiggling worms everywhere I cant make them stop, cant take a full breath. No matter what breathing exercises I do, I cant get them to stop.

Im so tired. Im tired of being tired.

[roses4francis]

I wish she would look at me like she looked at him. I was pathetic and so deeply in love with her that she will probably wont understand it in this lifetime. I put myself down for her. I opened myself to her. I left myself naked Infront her. For her to love me for her to reciprocate my feelings and tell me that I was enough and that I’m easy to understand. She will never know how long I stared at her pictures how long I cried for her and how much I yearned for her. I hated everyone around her. Everyone who got to see a different side of her. Everyone that she loves more than me. She probably doesn’t even love me like I love her. I hate her. Hate her for giving me this hope. Hate her for whispering sweet nothings into my ears. Hate her for telling me white lies, thinking that they don’t matter at all. It kills me knowing that she loves someone more than me. Maybe she never loved me. Not even as a friend. I hate myself for letting this happen to me. I hate myself for falling in love with a girl who merely saw me as friend that she could tolerate. I hate that I couldn’t stand up in front of her and speak up or even tell her about my feelings and how much she means to me and how much I care for her. I hope I don’t meet her ever again.