#it probably doesn't even make sense as I kinda forced myself to write this :^)

[9w1ft]

I'm a gaylor myself so this isn't coming from a place of hate but I really don't think karlie and taylor are still together, I think taylor still references her in her art and probably will for quite some time because that relationship -- whatever the nature of it was -- left such a deep impact on her. but I really can't see them still being together, I think she's forced herself to move on from karlie and has since dated a lot of other women. that doesn't mean her feelings for karlie have faded, just that they will probably always be there but they broke up for sure before 2019, I think. folklore and evermore, midnights even, are all breakup albums, I just can't see how they could still be together. especially all her anger and sadness in those songs that are thought of to be for karlie (like my tears ricochet or exile or mad woman) also the cover art being shoot in bedfords, new york, the exact same place where karlie got married feels more like taylor revisiting this place to really say goodbye and mourn her for one last final time so she can move on

sorry, this got a bit long, I just don't understand the appeal or the reasoning for lsk's because taylor has indicated so many times that they are over, she's been mourning her relationship with karlie quite publicly since 2019 (wearing all black during the lover era) so yeah

hi! i don’t usually respond to these but i’m not sensing any ill will so i’ve decided to give a reply a go.

first off, for me, i kinda just interpret her wearing black in the back end of lover era because her masters had gotten bought by scooter. and maybe the fact that she decided to not come out. there can be other reasons, but i really do not think that her breaking up with karlie has to be one of them.

another thing i can’t shake is the fact that it was a very notorious troll/manipulative person on tumblr who spread the first rumor that they broke up in 2019, a fact that is well understood by a lot of OG’s, and this troll got in the head of a few popular kaylor and gaylor swift accounts at the time and in doing so she got a lot of people to fold. she then went on to write all this progressively unhinged fanfiction about taylor and karlie trying to make one another jealous and sleeping with all these women, presented with the same level of seriousness with which she pushed the breakup agenda. even to this day, i see present day gaylors talk about stuff that stems from narratives this account and a few other power hungry accounts spread around many years ago and it honestly just goes to show how a lot of well known gaylors may be platformmed up but that don’t really know what they’re talking about.. i only write this because the troll deactivated about a year ago (maybe they’re lurking on platforms with more malleable minds—once a troll always a troll—but at least they’ve left here), they were a really dangerous person.. and several have wild receipts to prove it.

anyways sorry i recognize that’s a tangent, i guess what i mean to say by it is, a lot of the sentiment surrounding the idea of a 2019 breakup and the reinforcement of the narrative by a gaylor community none the wiser stems from the work of someone with disingenuous intentions. a lot of “masterposts” or “realistic timelines” draw from what this person made up and it’s gone through enough filters for it to seem like credible sentiment but like, if you were there and you read all of what she wrote you know how silly it all sounded and how incoherently it was all written.

okay so to circle back to more of a content-centric angle, in my interpretation of the events that gave us folklore, evermore, and midnights, taylor had so much to be sad about. her mom had been very sick, the pandemic arrived and she had to cancel lover fest, she had to come to terms with scott b having sold her work to her sworn enemy… songs on midnights and folklore, and on her lover era apple music playlist allude to certain other things that may have had her in a mournful mood. things were bad! and i don’t doubt that her and karlie have been through a lot. but for me, when you’ve got a ride or die love, you don’t just break up. this has been something frustrating for me and others, i think, to see so many people treat a relationship as either being all systems go or broken up, as if long term partners can’t experience sadness together, difficulty together, even heartbreak together.

i don’t like getting in to touchy subjects so much but there’s just been too much pointing towards what i consider to be a rather simple narrative that is a natural progression for people committed and in love. how did the lover music video begin and end? whats a randomly specific word in a song she performed at the grammys minutes after someone was announced to the world? what about taylor’s envisioned future stands out about the anti hero music video? i think i’ll stop here but idk man 😆 poke around my archive if you feel like wasting a few days of your life… there’s just been a consistent flow of the same kind of hijinks that we’ve seen from them for years, and i’d say that there are many songs that back up everything i’d want in order to stay invested in seeing if what i believe is true.

now, i know i just wrote what reads like a bunch of mumbo jumbo to people not following kaylor. but im okay with that. i’ve accepted that. and i know that the whole patterns and koincidences and twinning and symbolism beat isn’t for everyone and so i respect people’s decisions to believe they aren’t together, but in closing i’ll just say im sometimes at a loss to see time and time again people suggest that kaylors believe in kaylor because they find it appealing or because they want to ship it. when it’s literally not that— it just makes the most sense to a lot of us!

also, does this look like the face of someone mourning?

[off-mozzarella]

Taking this insomnia as an oportunity to yap about the soulswap AU xD I was going to talk abt everything here but it got kinda long so I might make more parts about the other posts!!

First comic - how it started 🐱

Now... The existence of this + the fact it's my post popular post is funny and kind of ironic considering I've never really been one to enjoy -swap AUs but here we are xD

I got the idea in the beautiful daydreaming time before bed lol, and during a few weeks I was just kinda coming up with scenarios

So then I got the idea of making it into a comic, which honestly I didn't take that seriously at first bc I thought I wasn't actually gonna do it, but still I tried planning out in my head what I wanted the introducction "story" to be, how I could represent the actions through panels, and I even thought about the dialogues a lot and how to organize the speech bubbles, I'm honestly not one to like writing stuff down so I just memorized it all 😹

Soo yeah, one day I was just like "fuck it I'm gonna do it". (I just remembered I can use periods I'm sorry). This would be a personal project in which in the worst case I would have a ugly comic, and in the best it would be something I'm actually proud of, but either way the important thing for me was to actually try to do it and challenge myself with something I've never done. Lowkey also in spite of all the art ideas I've had in my life and never even attempted to create xD.

I think I decided to start like, exactly a week before my lasik surgery 💀 so I took that as a deadline to try to finish as soon as possible, otherwise I would be giving myself room to overthink it and probably scape it xd. Since I wouldn't be able to draw for a few days after my surgery, I also thought it would be nice to (lowkey unhealthily) put all the work into something I wanted to get done and go rest those few days feeling acomplished.

So I gathered a bunch of references, made a lot of my own got to drawing and suffered but also had fun lol. I'm ngl I just wasn't going out from my room bc I was either drawing all day or searching for references. Straight up forced myself to be an expert in drawing those two (jk I still can't draw them properly but at least it's a bit easier now).

I was really overthinking the chain of events that occurred before the comic so what was happening and what Hyrule said made sense lol. I ended up changing a small bit of the dialogue and I still think it doesn't make sense but no one thought about it (probably) so that's fine. I also had to change some panels so they would be an even number, it was had trying to keep it flowing correctly, honestly everything was hard!!! High respect to comic artists, I've only read a few comics and mangas so I honestly have no idea of what I'm doing.

Anyways, there isn't really a way to add text on procreate so I drew the speech bubbles kind of guessing the size xD taking into consideration the planning I had done about their placement. This worked for most panels but for some I had to import the page with the text and redraw it again. Took a bit but I finished the night before my deadline, it was so hard not to post it inmediately 😿 I told myself I'd wait until the next day bc maybe I could reach more ppl.

So yeah, I post it the next day. It very quickly got quite a few likes and reblogs, so I felt relieved to see it was getting well received! It was something unlike anything I've done before and an idea that would not be of everyone's taste so I hope you understand why I was a bit anxious 😹. I was reading your reblogs in the waiting room before the surgery and it helped me feel less nervous so xD thanks. And coming back after those few days to so many nice comments?? Beautiful.

Enough yapping about me, now some stuff about the actual comic!

These are my fave panels:

The hardest to draw:

Aaand my least favorite:

I had to do some recycling because I was running short on time but it looks so stiff 😓 I wanted to change the angle or the pose but it was too late. The recycling just doesn't work as well here as in the last page.

Random facts:

-I redrew the bottom panel of the first page like three times bc I didn't like it and still didn't like the final one lul.

-In the first one I considered adding the fairy flying away but Idk.

-I decided to draw the weapons during the entire comic bc I'm insane. I don't recommend it.

-I had to do some weird stuff in front of the mirror and on the floor to understand what I wanted with certain poses 💀 honestly this is true for a lot of my drawings.

-I tried to keep details but if you pay enough attention you'll notice some inconsistencies lol.

-I remembered Hyrule's bracelet until I was almost done and decided he was just not wearing it that day ✨

-Ig that the canvas was too big or smth but when I tried to watch the timelapse on my previous ipad the app would crash xDD. I have a pro now so I can actually watch it lol, I wanted to share a vid so you could see my messy ahh workflow but maybe next time bc I don't wanna turn my ipad on lol.

-I worked mostly in a single layer, cleaning up the drawings rather than trying to do lineart bc I knew if I did that it would look rly stiff and I was going to get stressed out. I rly aimed to get it done as best as possible in as little time as possible xD. It's not the greatest piece of art but it looks good enough. It was a rly interesting way to get out of my comfort zone.

Overall, this has been fun! And I'm glad to see this many people liked something I made. Embracing my cringe self and healing 💅.

Stay tuned for more yapping posts 😼👍.

[sayakxmi]

Dammit now I need a fix-it on, “What if Shindou had stayed captain.” Because, after a year of denying it to myself, I have come to terms with the fact that Tenma probably isn’t the best option.

(Seriously, there’s much more to captaincy than raising morale!)

But, to be honest, with the way things turned out in Galaxy, two things sprung in my mind:

1- Shindou doesn’t really have a good skill of getting to know his players, which is justified, but STILL, and

2- Kirino being captain while the Gryphon trio was gone just makes so much sense. So, what are your thoughts on Kirino remaining the captain after Galaxy?

Boy have I got news for you.

I mean, I'm kinda writing a Chrono Stone AU/rewrite with fix-it elements (Fei saves Tsurugi first), bc that's what I do, and while as of now Tenma's the captain like in canon, it's still a bit in the air whether he'll remain one in this fic, because I'm definitely considering. Like, the topic will definitely be discussed, but I'm not 100% sure where it'll go, but it's definitely something I have in mind.

Aside from that, I've always intended to write a sequel, Galaxy but Shindou's the protagonist, and, spoiler, I've decided that Shindou gets picked to be the captain. For one, Tenma was the captain for like... one match. As far as people know, that is. The time shenanigans aren't exactly something that was made public, obviously, so Shindou seems like a more reasonable pick for the job. But for other thing, I think being the captain again would definitely force him to interact more with the rest of the team, much as he hates it. After all, now he's The Captain, and as The Captain he has Responsibility. Shindou sure is going to have fun time.

1 - Oh, I totally agree, Shindou definitely doesn't have these skills. That being said, being the captain could potentially force him to start developing them.

2 - It does. I like to think of them as Shindou commanding offense and Kirino commanding defense. But in general there's quite literally no other pick. I mean, among other things, Kirino is a member of the Strongest Eleven in History, so.

As for my thoughts... Hard to say, really. It's a bit difficult for me to imagine Kirino being the captain rather than the stand-in captain. I feel like a part of the problem is that Kirino... might be a bit too passive? Might not be the word I'm looking for, but it's the one I've got.

Kirino's definitely got his mini-arc in CS, but I feel like in spite of it all he never truly left Shindou's shadow. It's neither of theirs fault, really, more like a writing issue - aside from Tenma and Fei(?), most of the characters tended to get like an arc for some character development then yeet to the background. It's understanable, sadly, because there's only so much time they have to tackle all the members of the Strongest Eleven and the historical people and there has to be something for at least some of the villains (rest in pieces Gamma, you deserved better) and there's plot that needs to be pushed forward... Shindou and Tsurugi still get slightly better treatment for being members of the main trio, but even they were significantly (compared to GO and Galaxy) pushed to the background to make room for everybody else.

Had Kirino been allowed to develop more rather than mostly being dropped once France arc was done, perhaps my thoughts would've been different, but as things stand, it's just difficult to imagine that happening when both Shindou and Tenma are right there.

[darksturnioloqueen]

📜Page 2📜 (Pages Mini Series)

TW: Honestly none yet really, Matthew's POV, talk of anxiety/ depression/ losing loved ones/ uncertainty, language, angst? That's all I got...

(If this font is too hard to read comment and I'll change it)

It's me again. I decided I wanted to not just make this journal a bunch of random thoughts from my head scribbled down. Trust me, no one wants that. After writing last night I have spent the last few days thinking about the next thing to say or do in here. It kinda consumed me? It's almost like I felt addicted to writing jibberish on paper. Weird. So page 2. I'm probably not going to write consistently every day or night. I think it would be more authentic if I wrote things when I felt them most in-depth, passionately. Page 2 is going to be a weird one, but mostly because I couldn't think of the right things to say, write. Even with this journal, I'm overthinking my own mind. Cool. List Of Short Thoughts: I'm just going to do some writing prompts that evoke thoughts... A list by Matthew Sturniolo. Whoever that is...

Losing a loved one

- I have lost loved ones in the past. I think everyone has. Currently? No.

A friend moving away - No. Well technically I moved? I didn't lose any friends though. They are all back in Boston. I guess I just lost myself.

Realizing that a dream will never come true. - This one is interesting. I am actually living my dream of becoming a YouTuber with my brothers, but I keep waiting for the wake-up. One day this won't be what we are doing and I wonder what will I have then? Of course I'll have my brothers, always. But what if I don't find anything else? What if I don't find anything AFTER my dream?

Experiencing loneliness in a crowded room. - Every day. Every room. Every time. I know I'm not the most sociable so maybe that makes me come off unapproachable but I can be with Nick and Chris and feel lonely too. It's just there. Watching a pet grow old and frail. - Trev. That's my boy. But I guess losing him would be a part of my life. Somehow losing him would make me more me, Matthew Sturniolo then I was before he was gone. Such a deep thought... Seeing someone you once loved with someone else. - No.

Growing apart from people you once shared everything with. - This takes me back to Chris and Nick. In a weird fucking way I feel like my whole life circles back to them. I have hardly done anything without them there. We really have shared everything. But alas, of course everything changes. Or is it just me? Am I the one changing? Being misunderstood by people who matter to you. - Maybe? The fuck is the point in this if I can't relate to these questions? I stole them off Google. Okay? Experiencing a deep sense of regret. - Only regret I have is doing, attempting this stupid shit.

Missing out on opportunities because of fear or doubt. - Actually... Not a bad one. Always. FOMO is a real thing. I know I have missed out on things in the past because I wasn't mentally there. That makes me think about my future though. If in 5, even 10 years, am I going to look back and realize that in the middle of all this I missed it? Am I missing it right now because of how unhappy I am all the damn time? Realizing time has passed too quickly. * I think ... Given. Realizing that you’ve become the person you feared you'd become. - I never feared to become someone else more so I think I just fear staying the same. Not evolving or changing while everyone around me moves on... Does any of this shit even make sense? I guess I'm the only one reading this so it doesn't have to make sense. Being told you weren’t enough, despite trying so hard.

- Okay now these questions are getting good, to the nitty gritty. Finally. The only time I have ever truly felt like I wasn't enough was when I looked at myself. No outside force, person has made me feel not enough but me? Matthew Sturniolo is not enough. I know I am not enough. Not being able to help someone who is struggling because they won’t let you in. - This one is for Nick and Chris. Again circling... I wonder if they even see how I have been feeling? If they do see it what do they think of it? They haven't said anything to me... The realization that you have no control over your own happiness anymore. - I don't.

If I could tell my younger self one thing, I'd say: Matthew Sturniolo, it doesn't always get better.

Writing this is fucking with my mental lmao Page 3 coming soon!

Royal Subjects:

@emely9274 @alexisa78 @iloveduckssm

[zanarkandfayth]

Writing asks! Pls answer 2, 7, 11, 17, 23, 25, and 37. And if there are any others you'd like to answer, then please tell me about those too!

02 Anything that you'd like to write but feel like you're unable to? ooh, I have an immediate answer for this but I'm not sure how to word it. like… can't just say "plotty fics" because my fics have plots. can't say "fics where the conflict is external" because some of my whump fics are also that. but, hhh… those kinda fics that have those things but the plot is, idk, complicated??? with lots of foreshadowing and plot twists and dramatic/adventure-y stuff is happening. like I would LOVE to write some kinda time travel fix-it fic AU for ffxv that takes elements from canon but has its own interesting/intriguing plot where original things that aren't just a rehash of canon slightly changed happen, but I really struggle to come up with any strong ideas for that kind of thing. or like when I used to be in the csi/criminal minds/psych/house fandoms, I would have LOVED to write casefics but I'd never manage the mystery aspect of it. if any of that makes sense? I also feel the same way about horror fics, I've read some fantastic ones in the ffxv fandom and I'd love to write something of my own, something involving ghosts/haunted places, but I can't really come up with ideas and I also don't know if I'd pull of the creepy aspect of it all.

07 Your favourite ao3 tag. you would think it would be hurt/comfort or angst or whump, but no, underage/non-con combo, my beloved. love me some projection and coping.

11 Three tropes that are fine but overrated. Okay so I've spent most of the past hour before answering this looking at fanfic trope tier lists and browsing posts on the ao3 sub about overrated tropes trying to find ones that would fall under this for me, and the only conclusion I can come to is that I don't have any. because for me, I only (unfairly lmao) consider a popular trope overrated if I dislike it/hate it/just don't fucking GET it 😅 like enemies to lovers. absolute yawn. don't hate it but it does nothing for me and I don't genrally read it. I do not get the appeal. but it feels SO popular rn, I see it talked about a lot on reddit and tumblr and I'm so tired of it lol. so it just feels completely overrated to me. (and no, my dear mutuals who like enemies to lovers, I don't mind your posts about them. exceptions are always made for moots.) but like, say… only one bed. it doesn't make me lose my mind and I don't seek fics with it out, but it's a fine trope. really enjoy a good only one bed fic if it comes my way. therefore, would never call it overrated.

17 Past or present tense? Why? I can do both but I love the immediacy of present tense these days. also love that it's more like I'm in the character's head following along with them as things are happening to them, seeing them have thoughts and say things in real time, rather than being narrated a story that's already taken place.

23 Dialogue or description? Why is the other one so hard? I genuinely love both equally and don't find either overall difficult 😅 however, I will say that since I have aphantasia, I often find it hard to remember to include visual descriptions lmao. like I can describe emotional stuff so easily and probably get too wordy about it, but describing a character's appearance or what their surroundings look like??? even when it's relevant to a scene, I often forget. a lot of it tends to get added in after the fact, usually when I'm halfway through a scene and realise I need a damn description. and it's because when I'm reading my brain just glosses over descriptions like they're not there because they mostly do nothing for me. so I usually have to force myself to take note if it feels important. though I do like nature descriptions because those are easy enough to have an idea of so I dismiss those less. they also naturally make it into my writing more haha. so if I had to pick between one, it'd be description for that reason, but I don't really struggle with the actual describing part of it.

25 Is writing the whole thing beforehand better or worse than writing it as you go? oh, this is such an interesting question because I feel like my answer would be so different ten years ago, and even more different still twenty years ago. but at twenty-five years, I'm honestly not sure anymore that one is better than the other. it just depends on your needs and maybe the fic? because, well, I'll use my here's to the fall series. on the one hand, posting it as I wrote it ended up being really stressful for me because it got so much more attention than I expected and I started putting pressure on myself to update regularly. literally fucking APOLOGISED to people during grey skies for needing to take a break from writing/posting for awhile when I'd fucking downed a bottle of pills, as if I was letting everyone down by needing to put my mental health first lmao. I could have avoided all of that stress if I'd pre-written the fics*. on the other hand, the ending for shadows growing came from a reader comment, as did some of the scenes in grey skies and the side scenes that made up ties. I'd never have that if I'd waited to finish the fic before posting. I might never even have finished shadows growing if I'd waited, because I may never have come up with an ending on my own.

I will say whichever one I go with, I have found it immensely helpful for me to have an outline first, because that's kind of my version of a first draft. sometimes I may not have the whole thing outlined when I start writing, only partially, (like with monsters) but I still know roughly where I want things to go, and how it ends. if I don't have that much, I won't even write.

*don't worry, I have long since remembered again this is just a hobby and if someone is upset that I don't update regularly or abandon a fic, not my fucking problem 🤣

37 Do you research before writing or while you write? Is it fun or boring for you? either while I write or while I outline! usually both lol. not in initial plotting stages tho. and I'd say most of the time it's fun for me :D I just have to be careful not to get too in-depth with some of it or go too far down a research rabbit hole, because then I start obsessing over needing everything to be accurate all the time and that just starts fucking the sun* out of it. did that with a digimon fic and that was definitely a big contributor to why I ultimately abandoned it. looking up the date your scene falls on so you can have the exact time the sun set in tokyo that day and make the character's clock say that as he's checking the time and noting the sunset is just a liiiittle unhinged. but it's what I did.

*I meant sucking the fun obviously but the way I accidentally wrote it first is so funny I'm leaving it anyways thank you for the ask!! always fun to do <3 no bonus answers because I'm tired now lol

[solar-nightengale]

Hi, I’m new in this tag kinda and new to meta-writing overall, but not only is the August brain rot really strong but one particular part of his entire character has been on my mind for a whole weekend. Please take this as mostly an offering of very spilled thoughts cause I couldn't keep them to myself anymore, LMAO. Particularly the thing that's on my brain is his guilt

I would also like to make note of and thank @ lizardthelizard And her glorious set of tags here for setting off my spiral tonight and also when she first sent them because my goodness this is truly an eye-opener. Thank you, buddy 💖

Gosh though, August’s guilt and self-criticism of himself and his actions is something that really fascinates me personally, and just thinking of it being the cause of what turns him back to wood is both mind-blowing but it just makes so much sense. He may be real because of magic but who’s to say it’s just the magical conditions that are holding him back and not the high as heck expectations that he feels were set for him and he set up for himself.

When it feels like you can't mess up sometimes it can feel like you're stuck in place Or that your screw ups means you can't change, that you're not good, that maybe you don't deserve to be considered good and that your various flaws are all that others would see you FOR!!

Maybe it's different to anxiety but idk it’s what caught my attention about him even more than what his character already offered up in s1!

He was given this like 

Idea that he needs to be "Brave" and "Truthful" and "Selfless" all the time or else he cannot be human 

Does it work like that? no, there's no human on EARTH that's all three of those things all the time, we've all had moments of weakness and gave in 

But what does he know? Most of his life he spent on his own and as a puppet, he was expected to understand the ways of being a human and GOODNESS knows how short a time he was with his dad before he was THRUST into a world and forced once again to stand on his own two feet and expected to just, you know, know how to act once again 

He's followed by expectations that he finds himself struggling to meet because he doesn't know what the limit is or how to meet them, and sometimes if not all of the times the temptations are just better and easier 

And it's expected!!!

He stepped into TLWM as a child with no idea of what he’s getting into with no prior knowledge, no adult, no nothing.

But omg, he drags himself down so much about it because he can’t meet those expectations the way he would want to and because of that because literally who did he have to tell him that it's all okay? That you can make mistakes and move on from them? That you can make up for your mistakes and forgive yourself for them?

Did he have anyone at all? Cause The show sure didn't show him having anyone

We see one woman in Thailand but even after he discovers he's turning into wood she's no longer around, so like she's probably about as fleeting of a relationship as anything else

Imagine going 28 years at first ignoring all your problems and then the horror and thoughts that you’re not good enough catch up to you one morning and the more you see yourself a failure, the more you sink into that spiral the harder it feels to breathe.

[destinygoldenstar]

Okay so I said I was gonna rant about this scene, so...

So, if you've seen my Episode 11 reaction of Season 1 of Disventure Camp, you know how... PISSED I was at a certain scene to say the least. To the point where I couldn't even talk coherently about it.

I wanted to explain myself and what MY POV of the scene was.

DISCLAIMER: this post is being made by somebody who, at the time of this post, has NOT watched past this episode. So any and all information regarding context for this scene revealed AFTER this episode (This season or another season) is IRRELEVANT to what I am talking about. I am ONLY going off of information revealed in Season 1 prior to this episode, and that's it.

Bottom line is, now that I am calmer and able to think coherently about it, I can safely say that my hatred for this scene was... SUBJECTIVE.

I hated it because it personally brought back a lot of moments in my own life, and as a result, when I watched the scene over and over again for the sake of this post, no matter what, my blood boils.

And I'm not even saying objectively this is a terrible scene writing-wise. After all, Total Drama, the show THIS show was inspired by, has quite a lot of characters doing... morally questionable things for the sake of the grand prize. So I am perfectly used to, and expected, seeing characters with less than perfect personalities, motivations, and actions.

So with that in mind, just because something like this happens in these kinds of shows, DOESN'T mean the show is saying you the audience should apply these actions to real life. They are merely telling a story and showing what a downfall looks like.

Yes I know what media literacy is.

As much as some people probably want to play the blame game just because it's easier to justify certain opinions, at the end of the day, THIS IS NOT A BLACK AND WHITE ISSUE. IT'S FAR MORE COMPLICATED THAN THAT.

So with that in mind, I should make it clear that my harshness on the scene does NOT have to do with the character that gets hurt in the scene.

I feel like even the most hardcore vile Jake hater that wants him dead on sight, would have to admit even for a second that MAYBE Ellie is kinda not perfect with her logic here.

(Why'd you all want to kill this guy so much? Holy shit...)

So for context of the scene alone, Jake and Ellie are at the end of the challenge and need to decide which one of them claims immunity, both needing it. Jake offers a forgiveness of the shit that happened prior between them, but only if she gives him the immunity.

And Ellie decides not only "NO" but she also takes the opportunity to READ JAKE FOR FILTH.

So, to quote her words:

"You know what? You can eat shit and die."

"And 'Boo Hoo, Aww, I Got Cheated On'. Grow the hell up, Jake."

"You say you're a victim, but you're really just a sponge for drama."

"You feed off the smallest setbacks, acting as if the world's against you."

"Tom probably saw it too. You have no right to shame me."

"After you voted out Gabby, I never pulled this on you, cause I have some sense to not be a dick."

"Maybe if you weren't so annoying, your boyfriend wouldn't have cheated on you."

OUT OF CONTEXT, what does all of that read for you?

Probably something on the lines of, "Oh yay, this girl is roasting this man and calling him out on his bullshit and asshole behavior."

BUT THEN YOU LEARN THE CONTEXT, and you learn that this girl personally went after the dude's trauma to destroy his relationship with someone else, and is saying this to JUSTIFY her actions by saying "Well no, you deserved it, and you can't go after me cause I did nothing wrong. It was all you."

Yeah...

So when I said this wasn't a black and white issue, I wasn't kidding.

For more context on these characters, both of them are participating in a reality show where the prize is $1,000,000.

Ellie is a young adult with a dream to study fashion design, but she can't afford the funds for the college she's in. She's desperately in debt, being forced to work two jobs every day from dawn to dusk and having next to no spare time on her own to do the things she loves. Not for anything. Not for friendships or relationships either.

So she read to me at the start of the show as a bit of a gloomy introvert who finds it hard to let people in or see the bright side of things. And in the first half of the show, I'd say two people changed that for her: Gabby and Jake.

Gabby more so, because love interest. She's the one who gave Ellie a sense of hope in things, and went out of her way to save Ellie's spot in the game (at the cost of her own, tragically), because Ellie was a good and caring friend towards her and did not judge people before knowing them fully.

KEEP THAT IN MIND. Ellie DOES NOT JUDGE PEOPLE BEFORE GETTING TO KNOW THEM.

When Ellie gets betrayed by Alec, she's kicked off of her team and joins the other team, AKA, the team Jake is on. She quickly gets acquainted in him and the get along nicely. The only problem was that Jake, at the moment, was pretty salty regarding his own love interest, Tom, because Tom lied to him about his career.

Rather than write him off as a 'moody brat', Ellie sits down and tries to talk reason to Jake, and even offers to hear his side of the story to get an understanding as to why he acts the way he does.

The scene with them cuts away just as Jake is about to trauma dump to her, BUT we the audience already knew of Jake's trauma, so we can easily infer that this was where Ellie got information on Jake's personal trauma.

And even if she didn't, right before the scene on topic, Jake was ranting to her that she didn't know what it was like for him to go through that.

So yes, regardless of when she knew, Ellie DOES know what happened to Jake. The claim that 'Ellie was ignorant', as a result, is FALSE.

Ellie also offers Jake advice on how to approach Tom, giving him valuable lesson on not jumping to conclusions and talking things out to people.

ELLIE SAID THIS TO JAKE. KEEP THIS IN MIND. SHE'S THE ONE WHO GAVE THIS ADVICE TO HELP HIM OUT.

Their friendship remains on good terms with mutual respect for a bit. When the team loses and they have to vote someone off, everyone BUT Jake and Gabby voted out Ellie because she was the new girl. Gabby would NEVER vote Ellie, let's be real, so that's not surprising at all. Plus it was thanks to Gabby's idol that Ellie survived that Tribal Council.

Jake was a shocker in this regard though. Despite his connections with Miriam and Tom, he refused to join the popular crowd on the team and instead chose to throw his vote on Gabby. Looking back at that choice, it's such a subtle sign of respect that Jake has gained for Ellie and how she helped him.

The next episode, Jake DOES decide to join Tom and Miriam in voting off Gabby, Ellie's closest companion in the game. That SOUNDS like a stab in the back, but there's a scene where Jake talks to Ellie about this and comes clean to her about what he's doing.

And Ellie... takes this well.

She completely respects his decision, and agrees that she would not take this vote as a personal attack, because... it's not. It's just a vote.

He's not trying to destroy Ellie's relationship with Gabby, or trying to spite Ellie by voting Gabby, he's merely casting a vote as the game wants.

Could they have voted for anyone else? OH YEAH.

BUT TO BE FAIR, Grett had immunity, and Jake, at that point, had no connection with Fiore and Alec, and Fiore in particular tried to get on Jake, Tom, and Miriam's good side earlier in the episode. So I MOSTLY blame Gabby's elimination on the Fiore Alec and Grett alliance, because unlike Jake, they DIDN'T tell Ellie jack shit and went behind her back.

There is no evidence in the next couple of episodes that Ellie has any beef towards Jake regarding voting off Gabby. At least, not until the scene on topic. She mostly directs her beef towards Alec for betraying her trust for the second time.

And then he would do it again a third time-god you need to get better allies Ellie.

But then by Episode 10, Ellie is reminded of her outcast situation among the cast. She's on good terms with Jake, thus she's in the Jake Tom and Miriam alliance, the majority at that point. Even Miriam came around and apologized to Ellie for misjudging her. Unless Fiore and/or Alec got immunity, those two were for sure gone.

But after they were gone, or voting them out wasn't an option, would that lead to Ellie's elimination? For no other reason other than she's the one with the weakest bonds with the others? Jake and Tom are lovers, and Miriam is their surrogate grandmother. They are a found family. And Ellie is just... the friend tagging along.

She was so outcasted that she died on the first day in the zombie simulation and they just forgot about her.

Oh, AND Tom cut her arm off. That's not cool.

And Ellie CANNOT afford to lose this game. Her whole lifestyle is on the line. More so than any of the others. She HAS to win this, otherwise she might never get another chance to financially achieve her dreams. (CURSE YOU GOVERNMENT)

So, in other words, she has to screw her relationships and strategize.

It's a completely understandable and empathetic motive, probably one even more empathetic than any of the Total Drama character's motives.

In that circumstance, as the numbers go down, does it all come down to popularity or strategy? When you're unpopular among your peers and that could be an elimination sentence, do you let that happen or do you take matters into your own hands?

So Ellie, reluctantly, goes to Fiore and Alec again to side with them on the votes. But that would just be a 3-3 tie and there was no guarantee they would survive the tiebreaker.

So their plan to solve this issue was...

*groan*

Trigger Jake's insecurities and manipulate him into destroying his relationship with Tom.

...

Ellie was hesitant, but she was convinced it was the only option she had to save herself.

She could've instead just stolen that godforsaken immunity idol that Tom found since she knew he had it BUT I DIGRESS.

The plan works perfectly, and Jake and Tom's relationship is destroyed, resulting in an ugly break up.

But Fiore outs Ellie for her scheme, (betraying her YET AGAIN), resulting in Ellie becoming he true outcast of the group, as not only are the villains dumping her, but Jake is OUT FOR BLOOD.

Ellie apologizes to Jake for what happened, expressing her remorse for what she had done. She proved herself before as a good friend who had the best intentions and wanted to help Jake, despite not having reason to put up with him. And she betrayed that.

And I do believe that she does feel guilty over what she had done.

She doesn't get sick pleasure from hurting others like Fiore does. She simply did the deed because she felt like she had to.

But Jake not only doesn't forgive her, but he also refuses to hear out her side of the story or her reasonings, and continues to rant about how pissed he was at her THE ENTIRE EPISODE.

Even when she saves his life from a scorpion, he STILL gives her shit.

And you can TELL from her facial expressions that she was just DONE with everyone telling her she was the one that was full of shit.

And it wasn't just Jake. Earlier in the episode, Miriam called Ellie out and told her off, saying that her personally attacking Jake and Tom that was was WRONG.

And Ellie continues to DEFEND her actions instead of hearing them out, saying it was 'gameplay' and 'she needed to win' and 'friendships would've ruined her life'.

HMM, SHE'S NOT HEARING OUT THE OTHERS SIDE OF THE STORY AND INSTEAD CHOOSING TO DEFEND HERSELF AND GIVE THE OTHER PERSON SHIT. WHO DOES THAT SOUND LIKE?!

YOU DAMN HYPOCRITE.

(Hypocrisy is not bad characterization. It's very human and it's very real. I'm just saying it angrily cause it's an annoying trait in real life too)

And that leads to the scene on topic, where Ellie decides NOT to repair her friendship with Jake. She decides to ditch it, vouch for herself, and defend herself to the very end, even at the cost of Jake's psyche.

She's too caught up in justifying herself that her judgement and remorse earlier is completely clouded, and her empathy is secondary to her ambition and greed.

It's a tragic "She's too far gone" moment.

Now in her defense, (Yeah, I know), nobody was even trying to listen to her or understand her. They all merely only cared about their own personal feelings, and what they wanted from her. JAKE MOST OF ALL.

So due to her interactions with Jake before to understand who he was, she knew very well what his setbacks were and used them to her advantage to hit him where it hurt.

So no, I do not believe Ellie is making assumptions about Jake when she makes her rant in this moment. She KNOWS what she's talking about, and I think she genuinely believes, in her mind, that she is telling Jake what he needs to hear...

But uh... OH BOY NO.

I'm sorry girl, but NO.

On the other side of this, we have Jake.

Idk if Jake is a young adult or a late teenager, somebody's gonna have to clarify that for me. He joined the show while his beloved grandmother, who he claims was the only person in his life who truly understood him, was bedridden. At the start of the show, he joined with the intent of attempting to win the show and help her out...

Unfortunately, in the middle of the season, she passed away. So...

Yeah, that's heartbreaking, I have to imagine.

At the start of the show, he's basically the 'shy but sweet and kind cinnamon roll with a bite'. He was working with Tom, his crush, as the ones doing the heavy lifting in getting survival supplies for the group, and was the only one on that team who attempted friendly socialization with his teammates.

And yes, I mean that. Tom was more hostile due to his job, Miriam was the cranky old lady who pushed away everyone, Dan only cared about alliances, Grett was a bad bitch, Gabby was an outcast, and Drew... couldn't even talk.

It was JAKE who was trying to form genuine bonds with some of the people around him, seeing the best in them. He saw through Tom's mask right from the start and supported his leadership of the team, and he was the only one who showed kindness to Miriam even when she pushed him away.

And while I would NOT consider Jake a good strategic player of the game, that's also because he had no intention to 'use' anybody. He just wanted to form bonds with them.

He read to me as someone who craves bonds. Love. In all forms.

He says that his grandmother was the only one who truly understood him. Which implied that the rest of family... might not be the most loving people. Do I think it's an abusive household? No. But rather one that sounds... cold. Distant.

Or maybe they're homophobic. Idk.

I mean, he calls this 'Shawn' guy over his own parents. Even Grett called her parents, and her parents are shit. (Idk who Shawn is, whether that's a friend or a sibling. Someone needs to clarify that for me.)

There's also Jake's anxieties around cemeteries. His grandfather passed away when he was a kid, and he would always go with his family to send flowers. Which surrounded him with death and loss... how god knows how many years. Idk, if forcing a child to be around a place that gives them anxiety all the time doesn't scream a cold and misunderstanding parent, idk what does.

I feel like it was that episode where the signs started to show, that "OH. This boy is NOT a cinnamon roll. He's got issues."

And then as the season went on, he shows a lot more... uh... FLAWS.

Yeah, I know, a flawed character? That's like having the plague.

He has a lot of anxieties about certain things, such as his own fears of death and loss (probably why he decided "It's a perfect time to join a reality show!"), and with people possibly using him.

It's implied that the time between this and the show is narrow. Jake was previously in a toxic relationship that fell apart when his ex, (not named), cheated on him. He couldn't get over it, and they split.

This may also be my angsty brain talking and I'm reading too much into it, but he also says when talking about the subject he "got hurt". And during the Episode 10 'believing the lie' segment, he expresses concern about how EVERYONE sees him as an idiot they can use. They can CONTROL him. They ALL take advantage of him and deceive him for their own gain.

No, it's not S/A, there's no hints of that sort of thing, but that still heavily implies that this previous relationship caused... quite a bit of PTSD from what happened in such.

So... yeah, it drives my point further that Jake is an anxious paranoid bean who just wants to be loved by people. Above all else.

He succeeds at forming a bond with Miriam and getting her to open up to everyone, and she even calls him 'the grandchild she never had'. He also forms a bond with Tom, gets a crush on him, and gets him to open up about his intentions, and scars, and not be ashamed of them. They even kiss. How wholesome.

And then it's revealed to Jake that Tom is a spy, and has been lying to Jake this whole time about such...

And he BLOWS UP at Tom's face about it.

Yeah, so Jake may or may not be very impulsive and emotional.

This man DOES NOT think before he speaks. He holds a lot of grudges. He has no problem speaking his mind. And he loves to talk about his own past experiences with others, regardless if they ask, to 'bond' with them to get them to understand him better.

(He just like me fr)

While Tom is part of the blame too, because... he lied. Jake soured their relationship by not hearing him out and continued to lash out.

And then Ellie joined the team after a swap with her and Grett, and she quickly becomes acquainted with Jake. She notices Jake's conflict with Tom, and she offers to understand his side of the story. He tries to brush her off, not wanting to do yet another trauma dump, but she insists, and assures him that she's very respectful and understanding.

And so she's the one to give Jake the advice to hear out Tom's side of the story, apologize, and try to mend their bond. Advice he actually takes, as he apologizes to Tom, several times, and fully confesses to his selfishness in the situation.

Tom shuts him down several times because... it's Tom. But at least on Jake's end, he's the one to take the first step in admitting his wrongs and making up for it.

It was thanks to Ellie, a newfound friend, that was able to get through to him and get him to cool off. And I feel like it's because of her doing that, that he stuck up for her and refused to vote her.

Going back to Jake seeing good in people, Jake was the only one besides Gabby who didn't join the popular crowd in voting Ellie. He saw that she was not a bad person and willingly gave her a chance when no one else did.

Again, besides Gabby, but Gabby already knew Ellie before Ellie joined the team. So it's even more impressive for Jake, who just met her.

As impulsive, paranoid, and messy Jake is, it NEVER came across to me as he WANTS to be that way. These are all coping mechanisms to people constantly using him and deceiving him throughout his life that are on autopilot. He thinks emotionally. And said emotions cloud is better judgement.

Oh gee, it's almost like he's a human being.

So... imagine how Jake feels when the friend that helped him comes up to him and says that his crush is a scumbag who is using him.

Just like his ex did...

Yeah, that's gonna trigger some PTSD and cause Jake to act irrationally.

In Jake's defense (again), he DID consider that maybe something wasn't right, that it was a lie, and that Tom wouldn't do this to him. But it was Ellie who kept on gaslighting him with his own trauma to prevent him from pursuing a conversation with Tom.

So... yeah. I really can't blame Jake for not talking to Tom about it, cause, uh... he NEVER had the chance. Ellie wouldn't let him have the chance. What was he supposed to do?

But Jake DID ultimately fall for the trap and believed the lie, which was the driving force of giving the villains the opening they needed to vote off Tom...

...with the deciding factor being Jake's own vote on Tom. That he likely did as a throwaway vote.

Shit.

Yeah, and then Ellie gets outed by Fiore as the one who lied, deceived, and used him, personally using his trauma to destroy the relationship he formed. And once it's outed it's already too late, as Jake is only left to BEG for forgiveness that he does not get, as Tom denounces their relationship entirely.

Ellie used him. Ellie took advantage of him. Ellie ruined what he had. Ellie caused this.

So is it any wonder that Jake is pissed at her? I know I would be.

This was very personal shit for him. His relationship with Tom was something special for him. It was a rekindling of love, and validating for Jake that he could help someone for the better and bond with them. And in a day, it's all gone, with only Jake being the one blamed.

All because a so called 'friend' wanted money.

So of course Jake is not going to hear Ellie out at all, or forgive her. To him, this is just Ellie showing her true colors. That she's just like everyone else who hurt him and used him and controlled him.

Jake does NOT have to forgive Ellie for that. That's his choice. Especially if he's upset with her.

What really surprised me was Jake's offer forgive Ellie by giving him immunity.

This could mean two things: One, he genuinely wants to cool off and give her another chance. Or Two, he's testing her and seeing if she'd choose friendship over the money.

I think it could be both.

Either way, she declines his offer, and then begins to SHAME him for everything he's been feeling the entire episode.

"You can't shame Ellie. Ellie's not the one at fault for you losing Tom. It was YOU."

"It's YOUR fault, Jake."

"You deserved it, Jake."

"You're an annoying piece of shit, and no one will ever love you."

And... well, I think his face at the end said it all. That HURT him.

I wouldn't be surprised if Jake has gained even MORE PTSD from his experience on the show, and this in particular.

And I wouldn't be surprised if Jake is ten times worse in another season because of these experiences. Hostile, whining, difficult to work with, and not trusting anyone ever again. And also self loathing cause he'd think no one would want him or love him anyway.

But that was 'calling out'. Wouldn't that make Jake want to be better instead of regress as worse than he was before?

Well, here's my beef, if this was supposed to be 'Ellie calling Jake out' it did NOT work as that. That instead came across as shaming.

The reason I analyzed both characters was so you could understand that I am not trying to glorify one or the other. Especially when I say this.

‘Girlboss moment’ this is definitely not.

Ellie ditching Alec? That was a great girlboss moment. Dude deserved it. And she didn’t have to shame him for how shit he treats his family to do it.

But THIS?!

I’m sorry, but everything she said in that speech was quite bullshit and not well thought out.

Now, I am all for Jake getting called out. Like I said, there ARE things worth calling out. Jake DOES deserve to get called out for certain traits.

But this is not how you do it.

So let me debunk all these lines:

"You know what? You can eat shit and die."

That’s a death threat.

Plain and simple.

“Eat shit and die” IS a death threat.

This woman gave him a death threat.

INSTANT NO.

"And 'Boo Hoo, Aww, I Got Cheated On'. Grow the hell up, Jake."

Okay, 50/50

On the one hand, Jake does whine about his personal life. A lot.

On the other hand, this is also downplaying Jake’s trauma with that issue. Regardless on how you feel about it, it clearly has an effect on them and shouldn’t be brushed off as ‘oh they’re just being whiny’.

How would you like it if I downplayed YOUR issues, Ellie?

“Boo hoo, I’m in debt and I can’t follow my dreams and I’m an outcast” Grow up Ellie.

DOESN’T FEEL GOOD, DOES IT?

"You say you're a victim, but you're really just a sponge for drama."

Um… except he IS a victim?

I’m sorry, but think about it.

Idk the full details of Jakes previous relationship, but I think getting cheated on definitely counts as being a victim of that circumstance.

Also, YOU USED HIM, YOU FIORE AND ALEC DEVISED A PLOT TO USE HIM.

Don’t act like that’s not him being a victim when you’re the orchestrator.

Also “You’re really just a sponge for drama”. And you aren’t? And Fiore isn’t? And Grett isn’t? And Tom isn’t?

I guess Ellie didn’t witness the majority of her team getting eliminated because of a child being a sponge for drama.

"You feed off the smallest setbacks, acting as if the world's against you."

For that to be true, Jake would actively be doubling down on every time he’s ever yelled at someone for something. Except that’s not the case.

For that to be true, he would never recognize he’s at fault and apologize over and over. Except that’s not the case.

For that to be true, he wouldn’t care for Miriam in the beginning. Of Tom. Or you.

"Tom probably saw it too. You have no right to shame me."

He DOES have a right to shame you.

YOU HURT HIM.

AND YOU KNOW YOU HURT HIM.

This is STRAIGHT UP Ellie saying “It’s not my fault, it’s yours, because I said so. You can’t blame me.”

"After you voted out Gabby, I never pulled this on you, cause I have some sense to not be a dick."

Again, Jake came clean to you about voting Gabby. And you were cool with it. You said it yourself. This is the only time you’ve ever shown beef about that.

AND Fiore Alec and Grett betrayed your trust cause you didn’t know they were gonna vote Gabby. So you’re gonna blame JAKE? Okay??

Also, what analogy is that supposed to be?

Supposedly she’s comparing this to Tom’s elimination. But those eliminations are not comparable.

Did Jake toy with your personal feelings and relationship with Gabby to vote her off? No?

SO WHAT THE HELL??

"Maybe if you weren't so annoying, your boyfriend wouldn't have cheated on you."

THIS. THIS RIGHT HERE.

NO. JUST STRAIGHT UP NO.

This is something SO VILE, that I actually physically cannot understand it if you tell me that’s a ‘good roast’.

That is not what this is. Again, this is SHAMING.

This whole thing is her shaming Jake for his trauma and digging it in his head that he deserved all of it. Because ‘he’s annoying’.

Ellie doesn’t know WHY the ex cheated on Jake (unless Jake told her off screen). Maybe it was because the ex found Jake annoying, idk. BUT THAT MAKES IT EVEN WORSE.

That triggers so much more of the trauma in that moment as ‘he left you because you were annoying’, and definitely brought back some shit.

Imagine someone who knows that you were abused by someone tells you that because they don’t like a certain trait of yours, you deserved the abuse. NO. NO ONE DESERVES TO HAVE THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO THEM, REGARDLESS IF YOU HATE THEIR CHARACTER.

That doesn’t mean abused people can’t be bad people. Nor does past abuse excuse bad actions. But it’s something that at least shouldn’t be shamed because, in what world, is abuse the victims fault?

Saying this stuff to someone makes the person’s psyche so much worse. They not only feel attacked, but it’s a kick starter to a lot of dangerous self loathing and anxiety, which could lead to them acting worse.

How do I know this? Because I’ve been there personally.

Yeah that’s another reason why I was so hurt by this scene. It just did a lot of personal flashes in my head. I’m in a better place now, but in terms of my past in school as a teen, I was Jake. I was whiny, impulsive, beefed with all my bullies, and loved to rant to strangers. The reason being that the school environment was giving me so much anxiety and problems, and no one wanted to help me. I was a pain in the ass and everyone hated me. Some would even say it aloud knowing I was in hearing range “I can’t stand *my real name*” “I know, right? She’s so annoying!” Most of them would bully and harass me KNOWING I would react emotionally and just wanted a kick out of it.

I wasn’t cheated on. That never happened to me. But I did have a toxic friendship that lasted for years. I got hurt very badly. I was used, manipulated for my attempted kindness, shamed whenever anything good happened-it was not good. Then they got into drugs and I left before I could fall victim too. Idk where they are now and I don’t care.

And then the teachers, AKA, the adults, sided with them and not me and joined in on shaming me. Even stopping the whole activity just to talk down to me and discredit me.

So… you can imagine the flashbacks I got from watching this scene.

Bottom line is, I got help, I moved out, and I like to think I’m a much better and more mature person now. Still struggle with anxiety though.

But hey, I guess there was no other way Ellie could’ve approached that.

Oh wait no. Because there’s ANOTHER ‘calling out’ scene in the SAME episode.

The one where Miriam calls out Ellie for her personal attacks.

Miriam didn’t go after Ellie’s personal stuff at all in that. She was calm, she listened to Ellie’s defenses, and she countered them accordingly. It was clear she was saying that with good intentions to help Ellie recognize her mistakes. Ellie didn’t listen, but that’s not Miriam’s fault.

THAT is how you call out a loved one for their wrong actions. You have to consider their feelings, tell when what they did wrong, and be there to help them improve in themselves.

You don’t shame personal stuff like this.

Now, I’m not saying that the scene is bad writing. Maybe Ellie going at this the wrong way IS the intention of the scene and we’re supposed to not side with her. But if that was the case wouldn’t everyone be saying she crossed a line here? Regardless if you’re an Ellie Stan or not.

For Jake especially, Miriam would be the harsh judge I imagine to call him out on his actions and behavior, to have him recognize that he was part of the blame for Tom leaving him. That he was stupid, impulsive, and there was a reason he’s so easy to be taken advantage of.

I got a talking down like that from my own parents, and it really opened my eyes to how shitty I was.

So I feel like this scene is gonna have significant consequences to Jake’s psyche. As much as I would love to see Jake realize his faults and redeem into a better person, I have a gut feeling that’s not where this direction is going and he’s just gonna get worse until everyone hates him.

It just won’t be in Season 1 because it’s close to the end and Jake is… you know…

Ellie has far more routable motivations than Jake does. But she went at this the absolute wrong way.

Should’ve just stole the idol.

And you know what’s worse than not stealing the idol? SHE DIDNT EVEN NEED TO DO THIS.

It was BECAUSE of this scene that she lost the challenge! If she actually WAS all about gameplay, she would have just said ‘no’ to Jakes offer, shoved him, and left. And she would’ve won. BUT NO.

If you ask me, writing wise, Ellie should’ve just gotten the immunity. I think that would’ve made a lot more sense than Alec snagging it last minute. Jake and Ellie were never voting together anyway.

They could’ve. But it’s because of their own issues that they refused, didn’t see the light, and caused this whole thing.

Huh. I guess that’s why the scene is called ‘Lights Out’.

Anyway, there’s my rant. Fuck this scene.

[halfwaypunkgirl]

Routines + Emotions

Hi guys! This is not the post I was talking about in my last post. I'm a master procrastinator lol. I did want to talk about my life and what is going on with me, so that's what this is going to be about.

So the title woah so ominous! To be a lot more honest after graduating and losing my job I have hit a bit of a slump. This slump and new lifestyle has caused me to lose a lot of my usual routines. In all honesty it has made me so depressed, kinda forcing me to sit with myself. I got so used to working, school, and just always going on the go all the time, I never really knew who I was. I still don't.

Trust me it is rough. I know lots of people say you have to hit the bottom before you move up, or something along those lines. Nobody really talks about how much of a toll it takes on you. I know there are movies and stuff how like of so and so hit rock bottom so only way to go is up and its this super cool and inspiring story, but real life doesn't work like that. I have felt lower than this before trust me, I have attempted ending my life a good amount of times, but this is a whole new type of low. At least with the last time I wasn't really doing much, because I was a pre-teen. This time around I was out being productive and had motivation I had a sense of self.

Now I really don't, to me that hurts more than back when I was a pre-teen. I have no idea who I am. Social media is no help, because all people post are the good moment. Only what they want you to see. Fortunately I am still young not a lot of pressure is placed on you to know automatically what you want to do or to know who you are. Thank goodness.

As a way to try and find out who I am, I have made a list of new routines I want to implement into my life. A few are building off of some of my interests, for instance music! I have Monday and Friday written down that I want to listen to at least 1 new album. Obviously I have other things for those days, but the music is what is more exciting! Another one is going to the gym again (I have been slacking bad) I plan on going 3 times a week! Sunday, Tuesday, and Thursday to be exact. Even included a minimum amount of time I want to be there.

I have also implemented a few new things into the week, just to try something (or things) new. An example is making dinner for my family! I have that for Wednesday only, just because I'm not super used to cooking, and I want to ease into it. Something semi-new I have is writing everyday for at least an hour everyday, 2 hours on Wednesdays to challenge myself. This list is new so obviously I will move things around to make it more comfortable.

I would also like to fix my sleep schedule enough to were I can wake up in the morning to do yoga and hopefully write in that time. Just in general do more with my days, instead of sit at home and play games all day. Life is about balance. I will be writing everyday, of course I will be updating you all on how this is going. I probably won't post everyday that's a lot of new stuff to talk about lol.

This post has gotten pretty long, mostly because I have actually sat here and focused on writing. Wow such cool willpower heh. I like writing like this, helps gets my thoughts out in a pretty healthy (?) way.

Anywhos I will post this one then start on the post I should've been working on... 😾��😾

Your silly girl,

S

[rainix13]

just me venting lmao, will probably delete later

no real trigger warnings i guess, I just don't think anyone wants to read this and it's kinda long-ish lol

I'm so fucked and it's my own fault and I lowkey hate myself lmao

I was having a decent good weekend

I studied, did some cases (I'm studying law - at least so far i guess)

Last week we could send in one case and idk what it's called but it's Übungsleiter in german lol

I suppose you could say trainer or sth

Well anyway, he just sent me mine back

And to say the least I'm fucked

I knew that beforehand because hhhh

somehow I know a whole bunch of facts. And apart from that I know how to write a letter of advice (again, I'm not sure it's the correct term but it's better than Gutachten i guess)

But I just can't out those to together and obviously if I can't connect the what with the how both things are basically useless

I just feel like I'm too stupid for this shit bc I genuinely don't get it. I don't even know what I don't get, it makes no fucking sense. I should be able to connect it but I'm not. My friend here (yes it's only one lmao) doesn't have the problem and doesn't understand me.

Our exam is next Saturday, obviously I'll keep studying but istg it feels impossible.

From what I hear around me I seem to be the only one to be this...useless

I thought I finally left my 'shit, maybe i actually am a failure' behind when I finished school last year and started uni but no lol

If I don't pass I could technically try to get through 3rd semester and if I don't pass exams in 3rd I'm unable to continue to study law

The stupid stupid thing is that it's even fun sometimes but I'm just actually so bad at it

This already was my plan B, because my dream job thingy was to become a pilot at the air force here but my eyes are too bad lol

I'm just lost rn

Everyone's gonna be so disappointed if I don't make it, not just my parents (idgaf abt my mother honestly) but my old teachers, my friends idk

I just wanna stop disappointing people and myself

I just wanna be able to get one fucking thing right but for some reason I can't get right what everybody else here can ugh

And I can't talk to the guy I'm studying with bc he doesn't get it, my normal friends are just like 'ja das wird schon' (= don't worry, you'll be fine)

I just went back to say that I'm doing fine and everything is going fine whenever someone asks. I've been there, most people were I guess. I'm fine but inside is a battle that's been going on for weeks now and I don't even know for what end I hope anymore.

And my bestie is somewhere in between. That's for me rn somehow the worst

Because she believes in me

The one person who believed in me and went with me through everything and never judged me too hard believes in me. And of course she doesn't understand what I mean. She's studying something completely different.

But she believes. And I feel like it's impossible to live up to that unspoken expectation. My best friends are the ones from school and all of them seem so happy with what they're studying. They pass most exams and I'm so happy for them.

But I want that too. I want to have fun, which I do, but I want to be able to continue to do this. I for once want to be good at the thing that's fun as well. I wanna be at least decent in the shit I'm studying and not be ex-matriculated (?) because I'm to incompetent to be good at this.

Plan C is basically to go back to Plan A and join the army (either airforce or navy) and sure i'd like that to but like...

What if I fail again and again and again and again....

I can't switch subjects and jobs for the rest kf my life, I wanna be happy and good at something at the same time

I don't wanna disappoint everyone I care about

Why can't I? I m just so frustrated with myself because I don't know what to do to be better but at the same time it feels like I'm not doing enough

+ I'm missing almost all pride events that I could've gone to this year and it just really really frustrates me ngl

[synintheraven]

GET TO KNOW YOUR MUTUALS

Was tagged by @ladyaldhelm & @holy3cake but uhm forgot to do this until today lmao

What's the origin of your blog title?

Figured I could just share a picture of ✨her✨ aka Eivor's raven in Assassin's Creed Valhalla ♥ I liked the name so uhm yeah I kept it :p

OTP(s) + Shipname:

Can I pair myself with Travis?

Okay hear me out: Skade+Sihtric!! Uhm their shipname could be Skatric or Sihde lol

Favorite colour:

I really like indigo blue aaand green is probably one of my favs in many tones as well (;

Favorite game:

In case the first answer doesn't quite give it away; Assassin's Creed Valhalla ♥ It's probably closely followed by The Sims (3 mostly, a bit of 4 too) and Uncharted: The Lost Legacy

Song stuck in your head: 

Last one I was singing was I Killed A Man by Post Malone hehehe (I didn't kill anyone tho), but also that song Harald & Halfdan sing in Vikings is forever stuck in my head it's just so good!!

Weirdest habit/trait?

Is fantasizing over a man 20 years older than me a weird habit? Lol but yeah obsessing over dudes (and sometimes losing interest when they interact with me in any way lol) is probably my weirdest trait/habit :p

Hobbies:

Drawing, taking way too many caps of Travis on whatever shit show he's in, uhm playing games?

If you work, what's your profession?

I don't :p Send job offers your girl here needs $$

If you could have any job you wish, what would it be? Realistically?

Maybe a detective? I love detective-sque shows but like I know justice doesn't work as well out of screen as it does in the shows which sucks - like, imagine you manage to catch a criminal and then some judge/politic says "yeah but they'll get away with it because I got paid to release this fucker (;"

Something you're good at:

Drawing? (Hopefully) I think I'm quite a good liar but I doubt that's something to be proud of lol

Something you're bad at:

Socializing, keeping up with friends, do things out of my comfort zone :p

Something you love: 

Well duh the man in my icon and my furry baby boy Mani <3

Something you could talk about for hours off the cuff: 

Something you hate:

Loud people, people who ask too many questions instead of paying attention, fascists!

Something you collect: 

Uhm nothing? Unless me collecting male crushes counts lol because I'm good at that hehe

Something you forget: 

By all means EVERYTHING

What's your love language?

I don't know how to properly write this down but like I like knowing someone is there for me even if they're not actively trying to talk to me or interact with me, if that makes sense - like, I forget to keep up with friends/my bf so it's cool when they don't get offended by my lack of interaction lol

Favorite movie/show: 

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban / The Last Kingdom ♥

Favorite food:

Pasta!

Favorite animal:

Cats/Horses/Rabbits

What were you like as a child? 

Had the same socializing skills I have now so I was very shy but also quite nice so people took advantage of that a lot :s

Favourite subject at school?

Art? I also liked English but at some point realized I kinda sucked at it lol

Least favourite subject: 

Math :p

What's your best character trait? 

Uhm I DON'T KNOW

What's your worst character trait?

Honesty/Not thinking before I speak :p

If you could change any detail of your life right now, what would it be?

Aside from maybe turning around to see Ragnar spawn on my bed, I'd love to bring back my kitty because I miss him terribly </3

If you could travel in time, who would you like to meet? 

Oooh this is a good one! Probably Vikings in general? Like, I'd love to learn about their culture FROM THEM instead of having to read what Christians thought about them :p I'd also force them to write down absolutely everything for future generations and fucks sake

idk who did this already or not so feel free to do this if you see it on your dash and say you've been tagged by me (;

[tokiro07]

So, i was about to make a post about it myself, but i decided to ask you instead: How will Andy's final death look like?

Given that Undead Unluck is described by a narration box as a story about MC's quest for "the greatest death ever, not once, not twice, but it was now chosen to be the final line of every epiosde of the anime... I think this might genuinly be the entire driving force behind the story. That Tozuka really does want to write the greatest death scene ever, and Undead Unluck is the result of that desire.

Now, the question is: How will this happen? Fuuko yeeting her boyfriend at the Sun during final ragnarok? Andy growing old with Fuuko and dying of old age, surrounded by friends and family? SEX SCENE???? (probably not, but the possibilty of that is very funny to me)

Im pondering this question, becuase on one hand i want AnFuu to live happily ever after as they deserve it. On the other, im sucker for tearjerking scenes, and Andy having a grand epic death would emotionally draining, and i love when stories do that to me...

And, lastly, theres my personal elephant in the room... I kinda want Gina to smooch Fuuko. Now,for the record, i love Fuuko's romance with Andy, and i am NOT the type of shipper who wants the rival ship to be killed off for "getting in the way of OTP" - like, cmon, ITS ANFUU, THE BEST CANON SHIP IN A BATTLE MANGA EVER!

I didnt really ship Fuuko/Gina (or Andy/Fuuko/Gina for that matter) until the loop 101. At that point, i somewhat became a "Andy x Fuuko x Gina OT3 truther", but that was mostly just a joke, i had no true hopesfor it... and then FUCKING POLYAMORY was offically introduced into the story! Something that you see even less in fiction then same-sex reletionships... Like, holy shit, i dont think anything's off the table anymore.

But unfortuently, that poses a dilemna: like one of your reblogs said, idk if AnFuu would be down with going poly, but i also dont want Gina to be shipped with Sean just for the sake of pairing her off with a guy...

So, once again, let me repeat this question: What happens to Andy at the end of the story? How does he die? and how does Gina fit into all of this?

(sorry for the long ask, i hope i didnt sound like a crazy shipper at the end lol)

I'm fairly confident that Andy's death is going to be a shockingly quiet affair given how much buildup it has on the basis that the idea of him finding the "greatest" death is no longer predicated on him trying to kill himself, but achieving a sense of fulfillment

He doesn't want to die for the sake of dying anymore, he wants to die knowing that he lived a good life and left something meaningful behind. Ever since we got to see the shape of Andy's soul, I've believed wholeheartedly that Andy's death will be surrounded by the smiling and tearful faces of everyone he loves and who loves him back

It's not the flashiest death, but it is the best death that I think anyone who enjoys their life can ask for

[folanoflimbo]

Dungeon Meshi Thoughts

Mostly about Laios tbh (Spoiler-y for Anime watchers btw)

also this is gonna be super personal and rambly so uhhhhhh, yeah!

So during my read through of Dungeon Meshi, I couldn't stop thinking about how much I related to Laios. Initially I chocked it up to being a guy with a particular and intense interest and some kind of mutual undiagnosed Autism, plus the stellar writing and art of Ryoko Kui just making me really vibe with the guy

And then I get fucking hit with this in Chapter 88:

(Also that's not the full panel this manga has INCREDIBLE panel work, like seriously.)

Laios notes more than once that he doesn't get other people, he spent most of his early years with either his sister or with pets and his attempts to go out into the world were met with him feeling out of place with other people, all of which seemed like they got something that he didn't, forcing him to drift from place to place until he became an adventurer. He says he would simply be happier as a monster, or at least surrounded by them. After all, a monster doesn't need to worry about looking like an idiot, or accidentally insulting his friends, or being too into stuff. He sees his sister turn into a half-dragon and while he is worried about her, and he openly says he wishes it was him. And while that's played off for comedy, finding out that, yeah, Laios was alienated and was ostracized and would probably find solace in the idea of not being human anymore makes it all make way more sense.

And sans the "Destroy humanity" stuff, I totally get it! Every character I've ever latched on to, every character I've ever invented (even Atticus to some extent) has had the caveat on not being 100% a person. I've been doing that since I was a kid, imaging characters that are just that little but inhuman.

I have, and frequently do, feel alienated in the ways Laios talks about being in the manga! I have also been in positions where I realize I know nothing about the people I'm meant to be friends with, or that I have been making a fool of myself in front of the ones I do have! That if I simply wasn't a person, then I wouldn't have to feel alienated, or stressed, or lonely, or whatever ever again. There have been plenty of times that I had thoughts exactly like Laios', and there's something really weird about having that instinct reflected back at me.

And Laios doesn't get "better". He never stops being kinda absent-minded, never stops being either too close or too distant, never stops being obsessed with the thing he's obsessed with. (to both tragic and hilarious effect come the ending of the manga) He rejects the idea of becoming a monster, thanks to his friends and the experience of sharing meals with others, but that instinct and mental thing never goes away.

He doesn't stop being weird.

And my point is that it feels weird and kinda nice? To see a character who thinks and feels similarly to me, and not have him be some kind of sociopath. And maybe I'm misinterpreting him, but that's what he means to me, I guess.

Anyway read Dungeon Meshi

[deniable-masterpiece]

Honestly, I understand your sentiment. I remember having a similar conversation about women writing queer men in books with an irl friend a few years back. I wouldn't say it doesn't sway me from turning away from a fic or book, as long as the writer took consideration to research and not perpetuate the standard (boring) stereotypes.

I remember seeing the trailer for Heartstopper and thought "awwwwe". Then I got to the 3rd episode, and I was so over the show at that but for some reason forced myself to finish the 1st season. I think it's fine to have a standard, boring, campy show but it should not have nearly hour long episodes for every single episode😭😭. If they had cut everything down to a neat 22-minutes then I'd maybe (probably not) choose to continue to watch. At least (hottie) Kit Connor and Joe Locke are big names now. I'm happy for them :)

"...that is so inoffensive and bland that it's kinda homophobic that it's not more interesting."

LMAOO I'm cackling😭 that is the best way to describe Heartstopper.

I wouldn't worry about having to care for my book recommendations. Just take a glance at the description for "I'll Give You The Sun" and see how you feel (I probably wouldn't even try the Aristotle & Dante books). I haven't read it in two years but I can't recall any prejudice or fetishistic natures in "I'll Give You The Sun" (which of course, this was a book in a highschool lol).

No yeah I’m not immediately turned away by it because I understand that not everyone who’s straight but written about gay people gets them wrong. It’s just, more often than not, anyone who’s not gay and writes about gay people fall into the common pitfalls of putting one on the more masculine side and one of the feminine side (assuming it’s a standard two-person romance.) It’s not really their fault (unless we’re referring back to the people i mentioned who do this maliciously or for fetishizing reasons), because society itself is built upon a division between male and female, and so it’s ingrained in a lot of people and those who aren’t looking to catch themselves will usually fall into those traps.

And yeah, Heartstopper isnt bad because it’s basic (although, it does annoy me that it has a type of doll toy quality where the characters in it are not real depictions of queerness, but rather, each character is a surface level blanket statement of what they represent. Sort of like a Barbie doll that is stereotypically feminine. She doesn’t represent girlhood in any meaningful way, but you can tell by looking at it that she is meant to be a girl in the most broad term, if that makes sense.) And I think it’s important to have queer media that’s more palatable for straight people, but it leaves a lot to be desired for the communities it is actually for. I think I hate the britishness of it all too (sorry to my anons) but even that aspect feels very paint by numbers from what I’d expect of british people and their culture. Also this show kinda does the whole “Dom beefy guy falls in love with twink and the more masc one struggles with their sexuality” which I don’t really like because that’s how every gay couple is written. I’m not happy for Joe Locke since I hate him and I want to like Kit Connor but it’s a case of him becoming twitter’s white boy of the month for wayyyy too long when he isn’t even that hot… I dunno, does that ever happen with you? Someone you find attractive turns repulsive because they have fans who so desperately want to prove to you how hot they are? (me to all my friends with Milo Manheim and Robert Pattinson tho-)

And I will definitely check them out! I just wanted to warn you that I’m hesitant to stuff like that but I really appreciate the recommendations and it was very thoughtful of you to send them in🫶

[writemywalks]

Storage runs out of space and the Google docs where I used to note down my grief crisis, clocked out and bid me goodbye. These last 6 years has been humbling, evolving, a continuous lesson of how to live with the unchangeable.

Undergoing through a spine surgery is not something you're mentally prepared. Nowhere in my daydreams or student's book homework you would have seen me writing down anything with the words "I don't mind going through whatever as long as it's worth it".

This might rub off the wrong way but there's no redeemable quality of getting rows and screws on your back, there's no resilience story worth-telling because the life you had doesn't exist anymore. Your body is not your body - I was sleep-induced and I woke up to another version of myself. It was like waking up to a sleep paralysis but in this case you never shake off the feeling.

Nonetheless, for some force of the universe and probably a rule set by God, those are times you see things with different eyes - the next person, what you took for granted and ocasionally, as a gift placed on your lap, you get lively almost set-in inspirations. I found myself thinking once you feel like yourself again, you'll catch up on that writing. Inspired among many things, by my muse.

There's something about having pending dreams to come true - there's an unspoken magic where everything remains possible. Minus your old-dancer-days spine but hey! dreams are still much alive right? I was set to recover, finish writing and once for all show my muse everything he had inspired me to write and do.

It was the distant light saying "you're almost there"

Yet life sometimes has a way to it and sadly, being sensitive makes the blunt crash against the ground double the impact. Sad times change you and having a healthier body has the physical benefits. You can travel, go out with your friends, get on kayak and maybe, write.

Sensitivity and having a very vivid childhood made me realize my observant nature has always appointed me to the art of writing. The words pierced, the anxious knotted the stomach but the firsts real-life slaps kinda set the deal and gave me a trial test of the quota of suffer we all get on this earth.

My grandma, my unsung heroine, throughout my childhood years had ingrained her life anecdotes in me through storytelling. There was no Christmas where her stories wouldn't have us crackling at her punch lines. She could make an attempt of pulling a trigger against herself be decorated with the color mechanism of laughter, bitter sense of humour and resilience.

In this case her magic didn't skip a generation and I was born into a family with a father who were him to be a larger-than-life persona, he'd be just himself. Even in times when stripped from dignity, my father has always been gift of being a light in my life. I don't need to look up to any superstar because he's a human who's sensitive enough to not question my reveries.

Pride is found on the small things and throughout my life, I'd pride myself going against the wind. I loved feeling I choose left when everyone chose right, without knowing both ways sometimes lead to the same ending.

Sometimes I feel the body has memory. It senses being held despite not remembering. It stores in some part of the brain the fleeting of everything and my body has always been aware of the goodness of my cuz and which lead us to the following: mirror lives find their ways to each other?

The fated evolvement of the meeting again was so subtled, crafted and timed that writing about us, my childhood, the injustice of my ancestors was just a way to bring everything to life. The voice they never had, my observant behaviour as a kid and the adventures we shared and we were yet to share together.

As I quoted on my diary, I'm never going to turn his passing into poetic form because loses are not stories to be romanticized, if they can ever be. Leaving aside the significance in the bigger picture of someone having thousands of dreams yet to become true is that, nowhere is promised anything is fated.

Writing was just an escape from life, and our lives had been storytelling-worthy enough for me to make a craft out of it but what else to that. Years go by and the grief does subside but at some points it just weakens me again. I'm again feeling defeated. Maybe I don't get as sick as I did before but I go through those zombie states weeks where life doesn't make sense.

Dreamers are supposed to reach their goals. Writers are supposed to have their muses watching over them while sharing the stories to the world.

Life if it were to have any meaning is to make us realize we're all the same, and injustice will keep happening. Exploitation will still be the way the world works and it's up to us to not become frustrated because the world is how it is.

We all have our quotas of pain. Some may seem that their quotas are even bigger than the neighbor next door and I wish I knew why but life so far has granted more questions than answers

I was stripped from my devoting love for dancing and now being a writer, I wouldn't want it to have any other way but as we all do once in a while I have to burry my dreams to let it's seed become into something new.

[thecodeveronica]

So I'm in the unfamiliar position of having multiple WIP ideas right now (usually I'm lucky to have even one), and I'm at a standstill on what to be working on. And because I love to yap even if only to myself, I'm gonna post them here to make myself feel accountable in some way lol. My current ideas/WIPs (under the cut) are:

Castlevania: Order of Ecclesia fic -Multi-chapter fic set after the game ends, revolves around Shanoa and Albus, the latter of whom is found under mysterious circumstances that end up setting other events into motion + is tied to the increasing numbers of monsters and other unnatural phenomenon.

-The most "serious" of my fic ideas, and the one I have the most notes for. This one also is one of the few ideas I've had where I have a clear "antagonist" in mind, and I think a twist about them is actually pretty cool if I could execute it well. Big "IF" there lol, but yeah.

-Themed around the ideas of trust and family primarily, trust being the "big" one in my mind, with both Shanoa and Albus wanting what's best for the other, but how to achieve that might not be what the other would want.

-Actually have some progress on this one, though scene transitions are my mortal enemy and the cause of a current standstill :x But I reaaaaaaly want to get to the next part for a scene that has been in my nightly SFW btw!!!! before-bed fantasies for, like, months now haha have i mentioned again recently that i'm unwell about albus, because i am, oh god am i ever

Castlevania: Dawn of Sorrow fic -One-shot fic set after the game ends; more of a melancholic tone but with a warm ending than anything too serious. Would focus on Arikado, who is —bear with me here, I know this sounds dumb in a vacuum without context lmao— roped into attending a fancy dance/ball while kinda chaperoning Soma and Mina... but Soma accidentally let the event slip to others, so pretty much the entire AoS/DoS crew attends, too.

-Arikado ends up reflecting on his past and Yoko forces him to try to live in the moment, even if someone like him lives a much less fleeting existence than her or the others. and Hammer doesn't like that haha

-I have some notes on this one, too. Not super in-depth, but this isn't exactly plot-heavy, so I could probably knock this one-shot out fairly quick (by my standards) if I sat my fidgety ass down and focused. But on the other hand, because this one doesn't involve my FAVE fave characters, that might make it harder to motivate me, even if I like the concept. Alucard, Soma, Yoko, etc are cool, but they're not Albus-level to me by any means, or Jonathan-level either haha

Ace Attorney fic -Multi-chapter fic (but almost certainly shorter than the Order of Ecclesia one), intended to be tonally consistent with the writing of the series. So sometimes serious, but also a bit silly. Would start off "normal," thinking it starts in media res sorta mid-trial. Maybe after a recess? But it shifts into a zombie story and all hell breaks loose, but like... in a funny way? Mostly? This is still very much an idea in its infancy and was mostly born out of a few bits of dialogue I thought of that I got attached to lol, so still working out details.

-...if you're wondering "Haley, did this all start just because you thought of something with Blackquill and now you're trying to haphazardly form a plot around it" the answer is... I plead the fifth 😎

-Main viewpoint character would probably be Phoenix, though. I think he'd make the most sense and also be the easiest to write with his inner thoughts. And the most fun to write. I dunno. Like I said, this whole idea needs to stew a little more, though I have a tiny bit of notes jotted down.

-I think the biggest issue with this one is that I'm not sure what the "end goal" is. Does it all culminate in figuring out why a zombie outbreak happened at all? Maybe tying it into whatever case the fic starts with in media res? Who knows!!! One of my greatest weaknesses as a writer is that I only think of scattered scenes that are loosely connected but with no beginning or end for a cohesive work in mind. And that happens with literally everything I write lmaoooo but it's worked out fine so far, so I'm sure I could figure it out here. ...I hope.

Resident Evil fic -one-shot fic (I still want to write a long Resi one someday😭), something for a Resident Evil rarepair event for New Year's. Some of those prompts are veeeeery appealing and cute fluff nonsense is kind of my comfort zone tbh. Really want to do another Burnfield fic and some kind of friendly snowball fight is the first thing that come to mind? Sherry being there too might be kinda cute? But this is the idea that is the absolute fuzziest so I DUNNO

SOOOOO anyway I hope I get a sudden surge of motivation to work on one of these! Guess we'll see!!

[muninnhuginn]

1, 3, 15!!!

Thanks for asking! Asks are from this list. Recent fics I discuss are here and I will not be linking my older stuff

1. Share a song that makes you think of [fic title]

So, probably my edgiest fic has the edgiest song attached to it in my mental playlist. For 'puppet(eer)', I'd say Control - Halsey. I'd quote particular lyrics, but aside from the first two paragraphs it all fits so well I'm not sure what I'd even pick out

3. What’s your favorite fic that you’ve written?

Definitely one of my more recent fic. I've kinda hidden away most of my older stuff ngl. I think I'm torn between 'liminal' and 'landlady'. I spent the longest on the former so I think it's the most polished (even if I can see some specific aspects I didn't manage to iron out in retrospect). But at the same time, 'landlady' was something I'd had in the back of my mind for a while, because I feel like my view on the Qiao Ling-Cheng Xiaoshi relationship may not fully align with the widely agreed fanon? So I'm glad I finally managed to make myself write that and actually put it out there

My thoughts were kinda, yes, they may act like siblings, but (donghua-wise, not seen the LA) would they call themselves that? We know Qiao Ling tried to bridge the gap with Tianxi by specifically comparing relationships with brothers. By saying that what Tianchen is to Tianxi, that's what Cheng Xiaoshi is to her. We know when she first met Lu Guang she vetted him from the perspective of someone claiming Cheng Xiaoshi as her own. But then from Cheng Xiaoshi's end, if he has to refer to her as a specific role it's always the "landlady" or something along those lines. It's an interesting distance that he adds, simplifying her role in his life to "someone he owes money to" despite them clearly being closer than that. And you can speculate as to why that may be (and how strongly his parental abandonment issues/some sense of filial piety play into it) but either way, it's a disconnect between them both. So it was fun to explore that grey area a bit.

I started off the fic with the dialogue about QL seeing CXS as her brother but him just seeing her as the landlady and then expanded from there so it's like... one of Qiao Ling's traits is her particular brand of denial. Her preferring not to address difficult situations until she's forced to and instead just channeling her efforts elsewhere. So, could she have just let this disconnect stand because she doesn't want to impose, even as it's hurting her? Because she recognises that it's tough for Cheng Xiaoshi and she'd rather prioritise that over her own wellbeing? She kept quiet on seeing Doudou for years and let that guilt swallow her, even altering her uni path as a result. So it seems conceivable to me that she'd not speak up over any discomfort she may or may not have over how Cheng Xiaoshi thinks of her.

Meanwhile (and tbf I didn't really write this into the fic itself but if I'd have added more I probably would have done) you have Cheng Xiaoshi protecting himself in a way by enforcing this distance. If Qiao Ling isn't his family then he doesn't have to worry if he's betraying his "own" family by accepting her. His whole deal is based on this schrödingers parents scenario where he doesn't want them *dead* because they're his parents, but if they're alive, then as everyone around him says (other than ql) then they must have abandoned him. So he wants to believe there's something stopping them from returning but that they would return if they could. However, it's been years. What are the chances?

So you get cxs distancing to protect himself and catching ql in the crossfire who is unwilling to remove herself from the firing line because by doing that she'd adding to the crowd who say his parents must be dead/have abandoned him (regardless of her own views on the topic she doesn't want to push cxs away). And most of the time, she doesn't think about it. It's out of sight out of mind. But "most" of the time is far from "all" of the time

Anyway yeah, as you can probably tell, the fic I find easiest to write are those where I can try to almost write meta on canon and then try to fold a fic around it

15. How do you come up with titles for your fics/chapters?

I don't really have a process honestly. I don't bother at all with chapter titles but I do try to figure out some meaning I'm happy with for overall fic titles. One of my old fic used lyrics for the title. My newer ones have tended to be one word, but that's not really something I've aimed for.

'puppet(eer)' is obviously going for the 'is ltc the puppeteer as he tries to portray or himself the puppet'. Then 'eve' had a few different meanings (the eve of lg's final dive, the eve of cxs's parents leaving, etc). 'liminal' was trying to almost sum up the vibe I was going for in the fic. The idea that ql only got to see lg as she did because it was that off-kilter time of night where things don't quite feel real. And 'landlady' is self-explanatory. It could also have been called 'sister' but that felt a bit too much like digging the knife in somehow