#it probably doesn't even make sense as I kinda forced myself to write this :^)

[elsa-fogen]

Yep. Yeah. That's me. Almost all of it, except, i sleep well (if i manage to fall asleep) Reblogging because maybe some of you didn't know (i also didn't know)

Story time!

Too long don't read: used to sleep on private math lessons because i hate math; it takes hours for me to fall asleep WHEN I SUPPOSED TO, and my sister does it in 3-5 minutes.

I was studying at university and we had MATH there I've always had problems with it. since 5th grade i think (well, i hated math before too but real problems started there) when i changed schools and the new class was behind what I've already studied and i didn't pay attention, until i realized that at some point I was behind. I said "welp, i guess it's to late to try, so fuck it"

So at university we had this very high level math and i just couldn't understand a thing (and we had an awful teacher who was saying evvvvery time something like "yall getting expelled, we're all gonna die") so i decided "if i don't understand, fuck it then, i will not even try" and started skipping math classes.

But i STILL had to pass an exam, we were getting 3 tries and if you fail you're getting expelled. I failed first two what a surprise (i don't know how i managed to pass it after all, i can't remember SHIT, only that i is fucking non-existing number which is square root of -1. Why on earth would you need it i have NO fucking clue.

So i had personal teachers who tried to make me understand at least something to pass the exam. And there was one i remember very well, i even remember that we paid her 10$ per hour (for us that was quite a lot). And i remember her because i was SLEEPING. I just COULDN'T keep my eyes opened. She explains something about deviding by zero and my brain draws the fucking universe collapsing in front of my eyes. She gives me some task, I'm trying to write something and I'm falling asleep and DREAMING about writing, then ahe wakes me up and i see that i didn't write SHIT. It all ended when in the middle of lesson she just kicked me out.

And, what a miracle, I'm leaving her apartments and suddenly, all the sleepiness just wanishes! I'm walking home, thinking about some another AU of mine, roleplaying it with myself in my head, full of energy again.

That's not the only case of this, but it's the strongest i ever felt. But that like happens all the time, EVEN WHEN MY MOM OR MY GRANNY COMES TO ME AND START TALKING ABOUT SOMETHING I'M NOT INTERESTED, IM YAWNING AND FEEL URGE TO FALL ASLEEP. But the moment they leave, It goes away! I was calling it work allergy LMAO

I was diagnosed with adhd in my early childhood (there was also something about epilepsy, but it's ok now so it doesn't matter), not long ago i brought this fact back into my active memory (thanks to Jaiden animations ADHD video for that xD) i kinda used to myself by now and now I'm trying to catch and analyse all moments of adhd kicking in. I know my own tricks and buttons, how to make myself do the thing or just how to force myself into doing something. Because i know if i start, I'll probably lock in and won't get up until it's done (well, if i have at least a tiny bit of interest in that thing, or else i won't), and i hate it when someone interrupts me in the middle of the process. No mom, i can't come right now, i can't finish it later, because i either spend few more hours forcing myself to go back to the task or just forget about it.

But i didn't know that this sleepiness was a legit symptom! I just thought that it's exaderated boredom, that's it, had a joke name for it. That's... Funny to know that this thing is actually also adhd moment.

Also, about sleeping. I have problems falling asleep. I may lie in the bed for hours without even my phone, just rotating my stories in my head, and when i don't have a story to think about, this is just the name of my current hyperfixation with different tones and in different random dialogues that doesn't even make sense. I have no idea how to fall asleep, except when i didn't sleep for like 48 hours (EVEN THEN IT MIGHT BE A PROBLEM AND I START THINKING OF THAT CREEPY PRION SICKNESS AND SCARE MYSELF AGAIN). And my mom told me that it have always been like that with me. She and my dad had the whole ritual to make me fall asleep. Dad would hold me in his arms, his head with me covered with a blanket that i could only see his face (or else I would look everywhere and never fall asleep), and rock me for HOURS while i was SCREAMING and CRYING the whole time like i was tortured. But when I'd finally fall asleep, they could be as loud as usual and didn't have to whisper, because wake me up is a whole different story. And my mom was SHOCKED when all it took to make my sister fall asleep was just pet her back for 3-5 minutes.

I don't think of myself as... Sick or ill. That's how i was all my life, i don't know anything else. That's not a sickness to me, that's just part of my personality. Maybe sometimes some parts of it bite me in the ass and make my life harder, but i don't know other life. That's the only one I've got, and i guess I'm fine with that (tho now that i think about it, i need to pay more attention to how i write the characters, and don't make them all ADHDshers LOL i need to study neurotypical people under a microscope 🔬🔍)

bro im gonna CRY i didnt know this 🥺

[9w1ft]

I'm a gaylor myself so this isn't coming from a place of hate but I really don't think karlie and taylor are still together, I think taylor still references her in her art and probably will for quite some time because that relationship -- whatever the nature of it was -- left such a deep impact on her. but I really can't see them still being together, I think she's forced herself to move on from karlie and has since dated a lot of other women. that doesn't mean her feelings for karlie have faded, just that they will probably always be there but they broke up for sure before 2019, I think. folklore and evermore, midnights even, are all breakup albums, I just can't see how they could still be together. especially all her anger and sadness in those songs that are thought of to be for karlie (like my tears ricochet or exile or mad woman) also the cover art being shoot in bedfords, new york, the exact same place where karlie got married feels more like taylor revisiting this place to really say goodbye and mourn her for one last final time so she can move on

sorry, this got a bit long, I just don't understand the appeal or the reasoning for lsk's because taylor has indicated so many times that they are over, she's been mourning her relationship with karlie quite publicly since 2019 (wearing all black during the lover era) so yeah

hi! i don’t usually respond to these but i’m not sensing any ill will so i’ve decided to give a reply a go.

first off, for me, i kinda just interpret her wearing black in the back end of lover era because her masters had gotten bought by scooter. and maybe the fact that she decided to not come out. there can be other reasons, but i really do not think that her breaking up with karlie has to be one of them.

another thing i can’t shake is the fact that it was a very notorious troll/manipulative person on tumblr who spread the first rumor that they broke up in 2019, a fact that is well understood by a lot of OG’s, and this troll got in the head of a few popular kaylor and gaylor swift accounts at the time and in doing so she got a lot of people to fold. she then went on to write all this progressively unhinged fanfiction about taylor and karlie trying to make one another jealous and sleeping with all these women, presented with the same level of seriousness with which she pushed the breakup agenda. even to this day, i see present day gaylors talk about stuff that stems from narratives this account and a few other power hungry accounts spread around many years ago and it honestly just goes to show how a lot of well known gaylors may be platformmed up but that don’t really know what they’re talking about.. i only write this because the troll deactivated about a year ago (maybe they’re lurking on platforms with more malleable minds—once a troll always a troll—but at least they’ve left here), they were a really dangerous person.. and several have wild receipts to prove it.

anyways sorry i recognize that’s a tangent, i guess what i mean to say by it is, a lot of the sentiment surrounding the idea of a 2019 breakup and the reinforcement of the narrative by a gaylor community none the wiser stems from the work of someone with disingenuous intentions. a lot of “masterposts” or “realistic timelines” draw from what this person made up and it’s gone through enough filters for it to seem like credible sentiment but like, if you were there and you read all of what she wrote you know how silly it all sounded and how incoherently it was all written.

okay so to circle back to more of a content-centric angle, in my interpretation of the events that gave us folklore, evermore, and midnights, taylor had so much to be sad about. her mom had been very sick, the pandemic arrived and she had to cancel lover fest, she had to come to terms with scott b having sold her work to her sworn enemy… songs on midnights and folklore, and on her lover era apple music playlist allude to certain other things that may have had her in a mournful mood. things were bad! and i don’t doubt that her and karlie have been through a lot. but for me, when you’ve got a ride or die love, you don’t just break up. this has been something frustrating for me and others, i think, to see so many people treat a relationship as either being all systems go or broken up, as if long term partners can’t experience sadness together, difficulty together, even heartbreak together.

i don’t like getting in to touchy subjects so much but there’s just been too much pointing towards what i consider to be a rather simple narrative that is a natural progression for people committed and in love. how did the lover music video begin and end? whats a randomly specific word in a song she performed at the grammys minutes after someone was announced to the world? what about taylor’s envisioned future stands out about the anti hero music video? i think i’ll stop here but idk man 😆 poke around my archive if you feel like wasting a few days of your life… there’s just been a consistent flow of the same kind of hijinks that we’ve seen from them for years, and i’d say that there are many songs that back up everything i’d want in order to stay invested in seeing if what i believe is true.

now, i know i just wrote what reads like a bunch of mumbo jumbo to people not following kaylor. but im okay with that. i’ve accepted that. and i know that the whole patterns and koincidences and twinning and symbolism beat isn’t for everyone and so i respect people’s decisions to believe they aren’t together, but in closing i’ll just say im sometimes at a loss to see time and time again people suggest that kaylors believe in kaylor because they find it appealing or because they want to ship it. when it’s literally not that— it just makes the most sense to a lot of us!

also, does this look like the face of someone mourning?

[solar-nightengale]

Hi, I’m new in this tag kinda and new to meta-writing overall, but not only is the August brain rot really strong but one particular part of his entire character has been on my mind for a whole weekend. Please take this as mostly an offering of very spilled thoughts cause I couldn't keep them to myself anymore, LMAO. Particularly the thing that's on my brain is his guilt

I would also like to make note of and thank @ lizardthelizard And her glorious set of tags here for setting off my spiral tonight and also when she first sent them because my goodness this is truly an eye-opener. Thank you, buddy ���

Gosh though, August’s guilt and self-criticism of himself and his actions is something that really fascinates me personally, and just thinking of it being the cause of what turns him back to wood is both mind-blowing but it just makes so much sense. He may be real because of magic but who’s to say it’s just the magical conditions that are holding him back and not the high as heck expectations that he feels were set for him and he set up for himself.

When it feels like you can't mess up sometimes it can feel like you're stuck in place Or that your screw ups means you can't change, that you're not good, that maybe you don't deserve to be considered good and that your various flaws are all that others would see you FOR!!

Maybe it's different to anxiety but idk it’s what caught my attention about him even more than what his character already offered up in s1!

He was given this like 

Idea that he needs to be "Brave" and "Truthful" and "Selfless" all the time or else he cannot be human 

Does it work like that? no, there's no human on EARTH that's all three of those things all the time, we've all had moments of weakness and gave in 

But what does he know? Most of his life he spent on his own and as a puppet, he was expected to understand the ways of being a human and GOODNESS knows how short a time he was with his dad before he was THRUST into a world and forced once again to stand on his own two feet and expected to just, you know, know how to act once again 

He's followed by expectations that he finds himself struggling to meet because he doesn't know what the limit is or how to meet them, and sometimes if not all of the times the temptations are just better and easier 

And it's expected!!!

He stepped into TLWM as a child with no idea of what he’s getting into with no prior knowledge, no adult, no nothing.

But omg, he drags himself down so much about it because he can’t meet those expectations the way he would want to and because of that because literally who did he have to tell him that it's all okay? That you can make mistakes and move on from them? That you can make up for your mistakes and forgive yourself for them?

Did he have anyone at all? Cause The show sure didn't show him having anyone

We see one woman in Thailand but even after he discovers he's turning into wood she's no longer around, so like she's probably about as fleeting of a relationship as anything else

Imagine going 28 years at first ignoring all your problems and then the horror and thoughts that you’re not good enough catch up to you one morning and the more you see yourself a failure, the more you sink into that spiral the harder it feels to breathe.

[destinygoldenstar]

Okay so I said I was gonna rant about this scene, so...

So, if you've seen my Episode 11 reaction of Season 1 of Disventure Camp, you know how... PISSED I was at a certain scene to say the least. To the point where I couldn't even talk coherently about it.

I wanted to explain myself and what MY POV of the scene was.

DISCLAIMER: this post is being made by somebody who, at the time of this post, has NOT watched past this episode. So any and all information regarding context for this scene revealed AFTER this episode (This season or another season) is IRRELEVANT to what I am talking about. I am ONLY going off of information revealed in Season 1 prior to this episode, and that's it.

Bottom line is, now that I am calmer and able to think coherently about it, I can safely say that my hatred for this scene was... SUBJECTIVE.

I hated it because it personally brought back a lot of moments in my own life, and as a result, when I watched the scene over and over again for the sake of this post, no matter what, my blood boils.

And I'm not even saying objectively this is a terrible scene writing-wise. After all, Total Drama, the show THIS show was inspired by, has quite a lot of characters doing... morally questionable things for the sake of the grand prize. So I am perfectly used to, and expected, seeing characters with less than perfect personalities, motivations, and actions.

So with that in mind, just because something like this happens in these kinds of shows, DOESN'T mean the show is saying you the audience should apply these actions to real life. They are merely telling a story and showing what a downfall looks like.

Yes I know what media literacy is.

As much as some people probably want to play the blame game just because it's easier to justify certain opinions, at the end of the day, THIS IS NOT A BLACK AND WHITE ISSUE. IT'S FAR MORE COMPLICATED THAN THAT.

So with that in mind, I should make it clear that my harshness on the scene does NOT have to do with the character that gets hurt in the scene.

I feel like even the most hardcore vile Jake hater that wants him dead on sight, would have to admit even for a second that MAYBE Ellie is kinda not perfect with her logic here.

(Why'd you all want to kill this guy so much? Holy shit...)

So for context of the scene alone, Jake and Ellie are at the end of the challenge and need to decide which one of them claims immunity, both needing it. Jake offers a forgiveness of the shit that happened prior between them, but only if she gives him the immunity.

And Ellie decides not only "NO" but she also takes the opportunity to READ JAKE FOR FILTH.

So, to quote her words:

"You know what? You can eat shit and die."

"And 'Boo Hoo, Aww, I Got Cheated On'. Grow the hell up, Jake."

"You say you're a victim, but you're really just a sponge for drama."

"You feed off the smallest setbacks, acting as if the world's against you."

"Tom probably saw it too. You have no right to shame me."

"After you voted out Gabby, I never pulled this on you, cause I have some sense to not be a dick."

"Maybe if you weren't so annoying, your boyfriend wouldn't have cheated on you."

OUT OF CONTEXT, what does all of that read for you?

Probably something on the lines of, "Oh yay, this girl is roasting this man and calling him out on his bullshit and asshole behavior."

BUT THEN YOU LEARN THE CONTEXT, and you learn that this girl personally went after the dude's trauma to destroy his relationship with someone else, and is saying this to JUSTIFY her actions by saying "Well no, you deserved it, and you can't go after me cause I did nothing wrong. It was all you."

Yeah...

So when I said this wasn't a black and white issue, I wasn't kidding.

For more context on these characters, both of them are participating in a reality show where the prize is $1,000,000.

Ellie is a young adult with a dream to study fashion design, but she can't afford the funds for the college she's in. She's desperately in debt, being forced to work two jobs every day from dawn to dusk and having next to no spare time on her own to do the things she loves. Not for anything. Not for friendships or relationships either.

So she read to me at the start of the show as a bit of a gloomy introvert who finds it hard to let people in or see the bright side of things. And in the first half of the show, I'd say two people changed that for her: Gabby and Jake.

Gabby more so, because love interest. She's the one who gave Ellie a sense of hope in things, and went out of her way to save Ellie's spot in the game (at the cost of her own, tragically), because Ellie was a good and caring friend towards her and did not judge people before knowing them fully.

KEEP THAT IN MIND. Ellie DOES NOT JUDGE PEOPLE BEFORE GETTING TO KNOW THEM.

When Ellie gets betrayed by Alec, she's kicked off of her team and joins the other team, AKA, the team Jake is on. She quickly gets acquainted in him and the get along nicely. The only problem was that Jake, at the moment, was pretty salty regarding his own love interest, Tom, because Tom lied to him about his career.

Rather than write him off as a 'moody brat', Ellie sits down and tries to talk reason to Jake, and even offers to hear his side of the story to get an understanding as to why he acts the way he does.

The scene with them cuts away just as Jake is about to trauma dump to her, BUT we the audience already knew of Jake's trauma, so we can easily infer that this was where Ellie got information on Jake's personal trauma.

And even if she didn't, right before the scene on topic, Jake was ranting to her that she didn't know what it was like for him to go through that.

So yes, regardless of when she knew, Ellie DOES know what happened to Jake. The claim that 'Ellie was ignorant', as a result, is FALSE.

Ellie also offers Jake advice on how to approach Tom, giving him valuable lesson on not jumping to conclusions and talking things out to people.

ELLIE SAID THIS TO JAKE. KEEP THIS IN MIND. SHE'S THE ONE WHO GAVE THIS ADVICE TO HELP HIM OUT.

Their friendship remains on good terms with mutual respect for a bit. When the team loses and they have to vote someone off, everyone BUT Jake and Gabby voted out Ellie because she was the new girl. Gabby would NEVER vote Ellie, let's be real, so that's not surprising at all. Plus it was thanks to Gabby's idol that Ellie survived that Tribal Council.

Jake was a shocker in this regard though. Despite his connections with Miriam and Tom, he refused to join the popular crowd on the team and instead chose to throw his vote on Gabby. Looking back at that choice, it's such a subtle sign of respect that Jake has gained for Ellie and how she helped him.

The next episode, Jake DOES decide to join Tom and Miriam in voting off Gabby, Ellie's closest companion in the game. That SOUNDS like a stab in the back, but there's a scene where Jake talks to Ellie about this and comes clean to her about what he's doing.

And Ellie... takes this well.

She completely respects his decision, and agrees that she would not take this vote as a personal attack, because... it's not. It's just a vote.

He's not trying to destroy Ellie's relationship with Gabby, or trying to spite Ellie by voting Gabby, he's merely casting a vote as the game wants.

Could they have voted for anyone else? OH YEAH.

BUT TO BE FAIR, Grett had immunity, and Jake, at that point, had no connection with Fiore and Alec, and Fiore in particular tried to get on Jake, Tom, and Miriam's good side earlier in the episode. So I MOSTLY blame Gabby's elimination on the Fiore Alec and Grett alliance, because unlike Jake, they DIDN'T tell Ellie jack shit and went behind her back.

There is no evidence in the next couple of episodes that Ellie has any beef towards Jake regarding voting off Gabby. At least, not until the scene on topic. She mostly directs her beef towards Alec for betraying her trust for the second time.

And then he would do it again a third time-god you need to get better allies Ellie.

But then by Episode 10, Ellie is reminded of her outcast situation among the cast. She's on good terms with Jake, thus she's in the Jake Tom and Miriam alliance, the majority at that point. Even Miriam came around and apologized to Ellie for misjudging her. Unless Fiore and/or Alec got immunity, those two were for sure gone.

But after they were gone, or voting them out wasn't an option, would that lead to Ellie's elimination? For no other reason other than she's the one with the weakest bonds with the others? Jake and Tom are lovers, and Miriam is their surrogate grandmother. They are a found family. And Ellie is just... the friend tagging along.

She was so outcasted that she died on the first day in the zombie simulation and they just forgot about her.

Oh, AND Tom cut her arm off. That's not cool.

And Ellie CANNOT afford to lose this game. Her whole lifestyle is on the line. More so than any of the others. She HAS to win this, otherwise she might never get another chance to financially achieve her dreams. (CURSE YOU GOVERNMENT)

So, in other words, she has to screw her relationships and strategize.

It's a completely understandable and empathetic motive, probably one even more empathetic than any of the Total Drama character's motives.

In that circumstance, as the numbers go down, does it all come down to popularity or strategy? When you're unpopular among your peers and that could be an elimination sentence, do you let that happen or do you take matters into your own hands?

So Ellie, reluctantly, goes to Fiore and Alec again to side with them on the votes. But that would just be a 3-3 tie and there was no guarantee they would survive the tiebreaker.

So their plan to solve this issue was...

*groan*

Trigger Jake's insecurities and manipulate him into destroying his relationship with Tom.

...

Ellie was hesitant, but she was convinced it was the only option she had to save herself.

She could've instead just stolen that godforsaken immunity idol that Tom found since she knew he had it BUT I DIGRESS.

The plan works perfectly, and Jake and Tom's relationship is destroyed, resulting in an ugly break up.

But Fiore outs Ellie for her scheme, (betraying her YET AGAIN), resulting in Ellie becoming he true outcast of the group, as not only are the villains dumping her, but Jake is OUT FOR BLOOD.

Ellie apologizes to Jake for what happened, expressing her remorse for what she had done. She proved herself before as a good friend who had the best intentions and wanted to help Jake, despite not having reason to put up with him. And she betrayed that.

And I do believe that she does feel guilty over what she had done.

She doesn't get sick pleasure from hurting others like Fiore does. She simply did the deed because she felt like she had to.

But Jake not only doesn't forgive her, but he also refuses to hear out her side of the story or her reasonings, and continues to rant about how pissed he was at her THE ENTIRE EPISODE.

Even when she saves his life from a scorpion, he STILL gives her shit.

And you can TELL from her facial expressions that she was just DONE with everyone telling her she was the one that was full of shit.

And it wasn't just Jake. Earlier in the episode, Miriam called Ellie out and told her off, saying that her personally attacking Jake and Tom that was was WRONG.

And Ellie continues to DEFEND her actions instead of hearing them out, saying it was 'gameplay' and 'she needed to win' and 'friendships would've ruined her life'.

HMM, SHE'S NOT HEARING OUT THE OTHERS SIDE OF THE STORY AND INSTEAD CHOOSING TO DEFEND HERSELF AND GIVE THE OTHER PERSON SHIT. WHO DOES THAT SOUND LIKE?!

YOU DAMN HYPOCRITE.

(Hypocrisy is not bad characterization. It's very human and it's very real. I'm just saying it angrily cause it's an annoying trait in real life too)

And that leads to the scene on topic, where Ellie decides NOT to repair her friendship with Jake. She decides to ditch it, vouch for herself, and defend herself to the very end, even at the cost of Jake's psyche.

She's too caught up in justifying herself that her judgement and remorse earlier is completely clouded, and her empathy is secondary to her ambition and greed.

It's a tragic "She's too far gone" moment.

Now in her defense, (Yeah, I know), nobody was even trying to listen to her or understand her. They all merely only cared about their own personal feelings, and what they wanted from her. JAKE MOST OF ALL.

So due to her interactions with Jake before to understand who he was, she knew very well what his setbacks were and used them to her advantage to hit him where it hurt.

So no, I do not believe Ellie is making assumptions about Jake when she makes her rant in this moment. She KNOWS what she's talking about, and I think she genuinely believes, in her mind, that she is telling Jake what he needs to hear...

But uh... OH BOY NO.

I'm sorry girl, but NO.

On the other side of this, we have Jake.

Idk if Jake is a young adult or a late teenager, somebody's gonna have to clarify that for me. He joined the show while his beloved grandmother, who he claims was the only person in his life who truly understood him, was bedridden. At the start of the show, he joined with the intent of attempting to win the show and help her out...

Unfortunately, in the middle of the season, she passed away. So...

Yeah, that's heartbreaking, I have to imagine.

At the start of the show, he's basically the 'shy but sweet and kind cinnamon roll with a bite'. He was working with Tom, his crush, as the ones doing the heavy lifting in getting survival supplies for the group, and was the only one on that team who attempted friendly socialization with his teammates.

And yes, I mean that. Tom was more hostile due to his job, Miriam was the cranky old lady who pushed away everyone, Dan only cared about alliances, Grett was a bad bitch, Gabby was an outcast, and Drew... couldn't even talk.

It was JAKE who was trying to form genuine bonds with some of the people around him, seeing the best in them. He saw through Tom's mask right from the start and supported his leadership of the team, and he was the only one who showed kindness to Miriam even when she pushed him away.

And while I would NOT consider Jake a good strategic player of the game, that's also because he had no intention to 'use' anybody. He just wanted to form bonds with them.

He read to me as someone who craves bonds. Love. In all forms.

He says that his grandmother was the only one who truly understood him. Which implied that the rest of family... might not be the most loving people. Do I think it's an abusive household? No. But rather one that sounds... cold. Distant.

Or maybe they're homophobic. Idk.

I mean, he calls this 'Shawn' guy over his own parents. Even Grett called her parents, and her parents are shit. (Idk who Shawn is, whether that's a friend or a sibling. Someone needs to clarify that for me.)

There's also Jake's anxieties around cemeteries. His grandfather passed away when he was a kid, and he would always go with his family to send flowers. Which surrounded him with death and loss... how god knows how many years. Idk, if forcing a child to be around a place that gives them anxiety all the time doesn't scream a cold and misunderstanding parent, idk what does.

I feel like it was that episode where the signs started to show, that "OH. This boy is NOT a cinnamon roll. He's got issues."

And then as the season went on, he shows a lot more... uh... FLAWS.

Yeah, I know, a flawed character? That's like having the plague.

He has a lot of anxieties about certain things, such as his own fears of death and loss (probably why he decided "It's a perfect time to join a reality show!"), and with people possibly using him.

It's implied that the time between this and the show is narrow. Jake was previously in a toxic relationship that fell apart when his ex, (not named), cheated on him. He couldn't get over it, and they split.

This may also be my angsty brain talking and I'm reading too much into it, but he also says when talking about the subject he "got hurt". And during the Episode 10 'believing the lie' segment, he expresses concern about how EVERYONE sees him as an idiot they can use. They can CONTROL him. They ALL take advantage of him and deceive him for their own gain.

No, it's not S/A, there's no hints of that sort of thing, but that still heavily implies that this previous relationship caused... quite a bit of PTSD from what happened in such.

So... yeah, it drives my point further that Jake is an anxious paranoid bean who just wants to be loved by people. Above all else.

He succeeds at forming a bond with Miriam and getting her to open up to everyone, and she even calls him 'the grandchild she never had'. He also forms a bond with Tom, gets a crush on him, and gets him to open up about his intentions, and scars, and not be ashamed of them. They even kiss. How wholesome.

And then it's revealed to Jake that Tom is a spy, and has been lying to Jake this whole time about such...

And he BLOWS UP at Tom's face about it.

Yeah, so Jake may or may not be very impulsive and emotional.

This man DOES NOT think before he speaks. He holds a lot of grudges. He has no problem speaking his mind. And he loves to talk about his own past experiences with others, regardless if they ask, to 'bond' with them to get them to understand him better.

(He just like me fr)

While Tom is part of the blame too, because... he lied. Jake soured their relationship by not hearing him out and continued to lash out.

And then Ellie joined the team after a swap with her and Grett, and she quickly becomes acquainted with Jake. She notices Jake's conflict with Tom, and she offers to understand his side of the story. He tries to brush her off, not wanting to do yet another trauma dump, but she insists, and assures him that she's very respectful and understanding.

And so she's the one to give Jake the advice to hear out Tom's side of the story, apologize, and try to mend their bond. Advice he actually takes, as he apologizes to Tom, several times, and fully confesses to his selfishness in the situation.

Tom shuts him down several times because... it's Tom. But at least on Jake's end, he's the one to take the first step in admitting his wrongs and making up for it.

It was thanks to Ellie, a newfound friend, that was able to get through to him and get him to cool off. And I feel like it's because of her doing that, that he stuck up for her and refused to vote her.

Going back to Jake seeing good in people, Jake was the only one besides Gabby who didn't join the popular crowd in voting Ellie. He saw that she was not a bad person and willingly gave her a chance when no one else did.

Again, besides Gabby, but Gabby already knew Ellie before Ellie joined the team. So it's even more impressive for Jake, who just met her.

As impulsive, paranoid, and messy Jake is, it NEVER came across to me as he WANTS to be that way. These are all coping mechanisms to people constantly using him and deceiving him throughout his life that are on autopilot. He thinks emotionally. And said emotions cloud is better judgement.

Oh gee, it's almost like he's a human being.

So... imagine how Jake feels when the friend that helped him comes up to him and says that his crush is a scumbag who is using him.

Just like his ex did...

Yeah, that's gonna trigger some PTSD and cause Jake to act irrationally.

In Jake's defense (again), he DID consider that maybe something wasn't right, that it was a lie, and that Tom wouldn't do this to him. But it was Ellie who kept on gaslighting him with his own trauma to prevent him from pursuing a conversation with Tom.

So... yeah. I really can't blame Jake for not talking to Tom about it, cause, uh... he NEVER had the chance. Ellie wouldn't let him have the chance. What was he supposed to do?

But Jake DID ultimately fall for the trap and believed the lie, which was the driving force of giving the villains the opening they needed to vote off Tom...

...with the deciding factor being Jake's own vote on Tom. That he likely did as a throwaway vote.

Shit.

Yeah, and then Ellie gets outed by Fiore as the one who lied, deceived, and used him, personally using his trauma to destroy the relationship he formed. And once it's outed it's already too late, as Jake is only left to BEG for forgiveness that he does not get, as Tom denounces their relationship entirely.

Ellie used him. Ellie took advantage of him. Ellie ruined what he had. Ellie caused this.

So is it any wonder that Jake is pissed at her? I know I would be.

This was very personal shit for him. His relationship with Tom was something special for him. It was a rekindling of love, and validating for Jake that he could help someone for the better and bond with them. And in a day, it's all gone, with only Jake being the one blamed.

All because a so called 'friend' wanted money.

So of course Jake is not going to hear Ellie out at all, or forgive her. To him, this is just Ellie showing her true colors. That she's just like everyone else who hurt him and used him and controlled him.

Jake does NOT have to forgive Ellie for that. That's his choice. Especially if he's upset with her.

What really surprised me was Jake's offer forgive Ellie by giving him immunity.

This could mean two things: One, he genuinely wants to cool off and give her another chance. Or Two, he's testing her and seeing if she'd choose friendship over the money.

I think it could be both.

Either way, she declines his offer, and then begins to SHAME him for everything he's been feeling the entire episode.

"You can't shame Ellie. Ellie's not the one at fault for you losing Tom. It was YOU."

"It's YOUR fault, Jake."

"You deserved it, Jake."

"You're an annoying piece of shit, and no one will ever love you."

And... well, I think his face at the end said it all. That HURT him.

I wouldn't be surprised if Jake has gained even MORE PTSD from his experience on the show, and this in particular.

And I wouldn't be surprised if Jake is ten times worse in another season because of these experiences. Hostile, whining, difficult to work with, and not trusting anyone ever again. And also self loathing cause he'd think no one would want him or love him anyway.

But that was 'calling out'. Wouldn't that make Jake want to be better instead of regress as worse than he was before?

Well, here's my beef, if this was supposed to be 'Ellie calling Jake out' it did NOT work as that. That instead came across as shaming.

The reason I analyzed both characters was so you could understand that I am not trying to glorify one or the other. Especially when I say this.

‘Girlboss moment’ this is definitely not.

Ellie ditching Alec? That was a great girlboss moment. Dude deserved it. And she didn’t have to shame him for how shit he treats his family to do it.

But THIS?!

I’m sorry, but everything she said in that speech was quite bullshit and not well thought out.

Now, I am all for Jake getting called out. Like I said, there ARE things worth calling out. Jake DOES deserve to get called out for certain traits.

But this is not how you do it.

So let me debunk all these lines:

"You know what? You can eat shit and die."

That’s a death threat.

Plain and simple.

“Eat shit and die” IS a death threat.

This woman gave him a death threat.

INSTANT NO.

"And 'Boo Hoo, Aww, I Got Cheated On'. Grow the hell up, Jake."

Okay, 50/50

On the one hand, Jake does whine about his personal life. A lot.

On the other hand, this is also downplaying Jake’s trauma with that issue. Regardless on how you feel about it, it clearly has an effect on them and shouldn’t be brushed off as ‘oh they’re just being whiny’.

How would you like it if I downplayed YOUR issues, Ellie?

“Boo hoo, I’m in debt and I can’t follow my dreams and I’m an outcast” Grow up Ellie.

DOESN’T FEEL GOOD, DOES IT?

"You say you're a victim, but you're really just a sponge for drama."

Um… except he IS a victim?

I’m sorry, but think about it.

Idk the full details of Jakes previous relationship, but I think getting cheated on definitely counts as being a victim of that circumstance.

Also, YOU USED HIM, YOU FIORE AND ALEC DEVISED A PLOT TO USE HIM.

Don’t act like that’s not him being a victim when you’re the orchestrator.

Also “You’re really just a sponge for drama”. And you aren’t? And Fiore isn’t? And Grett isn’t? And Tom isn’t?

I guess Ellie didn’t witness the majority of her team getting eliminated because of a child being a sponge for drama.

"You feed off the smallest setbacks, acting as if the world's against you."

For that to be true, Jake would actively be doubling down on every time he’s ever yelled at someone for something. Except that’s not the case.

For that to be true, he would never recognize he’s at fault and apologize over and over. Except that’s not the case.

For that to be true, he wouldn’t care for Miriam in the beginning. Of Tom. Or you.

"Tom probably saw it too. You have no right to shame me."

He DOES have a right to shame you.

YOU HURT HIM.

AND YOU KNOW YOU HURT HIM.

This is STRAIGHT UP Ellie saying “It’s not my fault, it’s yours, because I said so. You can’t blame me.”

"After you voted out Gabby, I never pulled this on you, cause I have some sense to not be a dick."

Again, Jake came clean to you about voting Gabby. And you were cool with it. You said it yourself. This is the only time you’ve ever shown beef about that.

AND Fiore Alec and Grett betrayed your trust cause you didn’t know they were gonna vote Gabby. So you’re gonna blame JAKE? Okay??

Also, what analogy is that supposed to be?

Supposedly she’s comparing this to Tom’s elimination. But those eliminations are not comparable.

Did Jake toy with your personal feelings and relationship with Gabby to vote her off? No?

SO WHAT THE HELL??

"Maybe if you weren't so annoying, your boyfriend wouldn't have cheated on you."

THIS. THIS RIGHT HERE.

NO. JUST STRAIGHT UP NO.

This is something SO VILE, that I actually physically cannot understand it if you tell me that’s a ‘good roast’.

That is not what this is. Again, this is SHAMING.

This whole thing is her shaming Jake for his trauma and digging it in his head that he deserved all of it. Because ‘he’s annoying’.

Ellie doesn’t know WHY the ex cheated on Jake (unless Jake told her off screen). Maybe it was because the ex found Jake annoying, idk. BUT THAT MAKES IT EVEN WORSE.

That triggers so much more of the trauma in that moment as ‘he left you because you were annoying’, and definitely brought back some shit.

Imagine someone who knows that you were abused by someone tells you that because they don’t like a certain trait of yours, you deserved the abuse. NO. NO ONE DESERVES TO HAVE THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO THEM, REGARDLESS IF YOU HATE THEIR CHARACTER.

That doesn’t mean abused people can’t be bad people. Nor does past abuse excuse bad actions. But it’s something that at least shouldn’t be shamed because, in what world, is abuse the victims fault?

Saying this stuff to someone makes the person’s psyche so much worse. They not only feel attacked, but it’s a kick starter to a lot of dangerous self loathing and anxiety, which could lead to them acting worse.

How do I know this? Because I’ve been there personally.

Yeah that’s another reason why I was so hurt by this scene. It just did a lot of personal flashes in my head. I’m in a better place now, but in terms of my past in school as a teen, I was Jake. I was whiny, impulsive, beefed with all my bullies, and loved to rant to strangers. The reason being that the school environment was giving me so much anxiety and problems, and no one wanted to help me. I was a pain in the ass and everyone hated me. Some would even say it aloud knowing I was in hearing range “I can’t stand *my real name*” “I know, right? She’s so annoying!” Most of them would bully and harass me KNOWING I would react emotionally and just wanted a kick out of it.

I wasn’t cheated on. That never happened to me. But I did have a toxic friendship that lasted for years. I got hurt very badly. I was used, manipulated for my attempted kindness, shamed whenever anything good happened-it was not good. Then they got into drugs and I left before I could fall victim too. Idk where they are now and I don’t care.

And then the teachers, AKA, the adults, sided with them and not me and joined in on shaming me. Even stopping the whole activity just to talk down to me and discredit me.

So… you can imagine the flashbacks I got from watching this scene.

Bottom line is, I got help, I moved out, and I like to think I’m a much better and more mature person now. Still struggle with anxiety though.

But hey, I guess there was no other way Ellie could’ve approached that.

Oh wait no. Because there’s ANOTHER ‘calling out’ scene in the SAME episode.

The one where Miriam calls out Ellie for her personal attacks.

Miriam didn’t go after Ellie’s personal stuff at all in that. She was calm, she listened to Ellie’s defenses, and she countered them accordingly. It was clear she was saying that with good intentions to help Ellie recognize her mistakes. Ellie didn’t listen, but that’s not Miriam’s fault.

THAT is how you call out a loved one for their wrong actions. You have to consider their feelings, tell when what they did wrong, and be there to help them improve in themselves.

You don’t shame personal stuff like this.

Now, I’m not saying that the scene is bad writing. Maybe Ellie going at this the wrong way IS the intention of the scene and we’re supposed to not side with her. But if that was the case wouldn’t everyone be saying she crossed a line here? Regardless if you’re an Ellie Stan or not.

For Jake especially, Miriam would be the harsh judge I imagine to call him out on his actions and behavior, to have him recognize that he was part of the blame for Tom leaving him. That he was stupid, impulsive, and there was a reason he’s so easy to be taken advantage of.

I got a talking down like that from my own parents, and it really opened my eyes to how shitty I was.

So I feel like this scene is gonna have significant consequences to Jake’s psyche. As much as I would love to see Jake realize his faults and redeem into a better person, I have a gut feeling that’s not where this direction is going and he’s just gonna get worse until everyone hates him.

It just won’t be in Season 1 because it’s close to the end and Jake is… you know…

Ellie has far more routable motivations than Jake does. But she went at this the absolute wrong way.

Should’ve just stole the idol.

And you know what’s worse than not stealing the idol? SHE DIDNT EVEN NEED TO DO THIS.

It was BECAUSE of this scene that she lost the challenge! If she actually WAS all about gameplay, she would have just said ‘no’ to Jakes offer, shoved him, and left. And she would’ve won. BUT NO.

If you ask me, writing wise, Ellie should’ve just gotten the immunity. I think that would’ve made a lot more sense than Alec snagging it last minute. Jake and Ellie were never voting together anyway.

They could’ve. But it’s because of their own issues that they refused, didn’t see the light, and caused this whole thing.

Huh. I guess that’s why the scene is called ‘Lights Out’.

Anyway, there’s my rant. Fuck this scene.

[nex-kyit]

II2 EP 17 SPOILERS

A list to sort out my thoughts after episode 17. I did one for the finale of III so I want to do one for ep17, even though I'm desperately hoping that this isn't the finale.

What I liked:

The sheer emotional impact of the ending. The emptiness and defeat when everything was erased, Mephone4 just in the center of where the hotel used to be, alone. Cobs, there to take him home. And after years of running, Mephone goes back to his abuser, having lost everything else he loved. Chills, last time I felt like this was with HFJone's ending. I even had a moment when I looked at the time and was like "oh god the episodes almost over they are not going to get a happy ending"

Honestly I felt like this episode was a big step up from the last two. Maybe its just me, but the last two episodes just weren't that great. Ep15 just felt like a cheap way to solve some character conflicts (then again I really hate the whole "characters are forced to tell the truth" trope) and Ep 16 was more of a set up for Ep 17. Big step up from III ending's too

What I didn't like:

Okay so it's been a while since watching III, but one of the major themes of III was not hiding from your problems and healing, right? A lot of III was repairing past relationships and most notably, that Mephone can't hide from his problems forever. Infact, III seems to be really pushing Mephone to HEAL from his trauma. And II2 major theme was that the contestants should become their own people and how the competition controls the person you are. Alright the exact wording might be off bc. re. I haven't rewatched III or II2 in a while nor do I have the time to, but I hope I'm getting the idea across. Basically, both seasons are building up for an ending where Mephone finally breaks free from Cobs and that the contestants get to learn to be themselves. Instead, Mephone is back with his abuser and the contestants are ERASED from existance? Thematically, the ending just doesn't make sense. For hfjONE, I still don't agree with its ending but at least it makes sense for the story, because the situation was from the start hopeless (a reminder for myself to rewatch hfjONE and do a write up as well). Meanwhile, the entirety of II, up until this episode, seemed to be about healing and growing. This ending throws ALLLLL that growth away. Like damn I'm all for bittersweet endings but this is straight up tragedy.

I also hate how MePad and the contestants abandon Mephone. I get it, most of them are upset, but you're telling me not one of them has any sympathy or understanding for him? Not even a, "yeah what you did sucked but we should deal with that later and not now when you're our only possible hope are reviving the dead contestants." Like damn MePad you could've at least brought Mephone with you, you think Mephone will get better in Cobs care? Ughh I get that MePad probably didn't expect Cobs to get Mephone and he is just angry and Mephone, but it really feels as though we never get the end of MePads character arc, if this really is the ending. How does he react about the contestants being erased? About Mephone returning to Cobs? Much like we don't get any closure on the few contestants that were still alive and how they felt about being erased or the whole thing with Bow's tail, or even what the Shimmer's were thinking when they arrived. They seemed pretty eager to get the remaining egg, are we just going to forget that they returned to Earth or?

Re. the contestants abandon Mephone, for some contestants it honestly seems kinda unlike them to do so? Like Microphone was just talking about forgiveness and saying sorry with Taco, this wasn't the first time Cabby and Candle saw Mephone in a similar situation. Well at least Fan and Paintbrush didn't seem mad, but it sucks that MePhone wasn't there to see it.

Maybe it's just me, but I don't really see how unplugging the wire=everyone dies! IIRC Cobs said by adding the wire to Mephone allowed him to hack into Melife and delete the contestants, but why does unplugging this completely seperate wire = everyone dies? Unplugging this wire shouldn't disconnect the contestants to Melife, otherwise Mephone should've always had a wire hanging out from him. Why are their bodies erased completely? In other words, the wire being there makes no sense, why tf is there a wire, it only seems there and works that way bc "I said so," and seems to contradict that Mephone is made out of the egg itself?

This one is very minor but there were no Floory crumbs :(. I had a little hope because Floory was a cohost and other III contestants made an appearance. Ahhh, there goes another character with missed potential.

Ok once again I think I focused a bit too much on the negatives. I think its an ending I can live with. The ending itself was pretty powerful, I just don't think it suits the story it was for.

[tokiro07]

So, i was about to make a post about it myself, but i decided to ask you instead: How will Andy's final death look like?

Given that Undead Unluck is described by a narration box as a story about MC's quest for "the greatest death ever, not once, not twice, but it was now chosen to be the final line of every epiosde of the anime... I think this might genuinly be the entire driving force behind the story. That Tozuka really does want to write the greatest death scene ever, and Undead Unluck is the result of that desire.

Now, the question is: How will this happen? Fuuko yeeting her boyfriend at the Sun during final ragnarok? Andy growing old with Fuuko and dying of old age, surrounded by friends and family? SEX SCENE???? (probably not, but the possibilty of that is very funny to me)

Im pondering this question, becuase on one hand i want AnFuu to live happily ever after as they deserve it. On the other, im sucker for tearjerking scenes, and Andy having a grand epic death would emotionally draining, and i love when stories do that to me...

And, lastly, theres my personal elephant in the room... I kinda want Gina to smooch Fuuko. Now,for the record, i love Fuuko's romance with Andy, and i am NOT the type of shipper who wants the rival ship to be killed off for "getting in the way of OTP" - like, cmon, ITS ANFUU, THE BEST CANON SHIP IN A BATTLE MANGA EVER!

I didnt really ship Fuuko/Gina (or Andy/Fuuko/Gina for that matter) until the loop 101. At that point, i somewhat became a "Andy x Fuuko x Gina OT3 truther", but that was mostly just a joke, i had no true hopesfor it... and then FUCKING POLYAMORY was offically introduced into the story! Something that you see even less in fiction then same-sex reletionships... Like, holy shit, i dont think anything's off the table anymore.

But unfortuently, that poses a dilemna: like one of your reblogs said, idk if AnFuu would be down with going poly, but i also dont want Gina to be shipped with Sean just for the sake of pairing her off with a guy...

So, once again, let me repeat this question: What happens to Andy at the end of the story? How does he die? and how does Gina fit into all of this?

(sorry for the long ask, i hope i didnt sound like a crazy shipper at the end lol)

I'm fairly confident that Andy's death is going to be a shockingly quiet affair given how much buildup it has on the basis that the idea of him finding the "greatest" death is no longer predicated on him trying to kill himself, but achieving a sense of fulfillment

He doesn't want to die for the sake of dying anymore, he wants to die knowing that he lived a good life and left something meaningful behind. Ever since we got to see the shape of Andy's soul, I've believed wholeheartedly that Andy's death will be surrounded by the smiling and tearful faces of everyone he loves and who loves him back

It's not the flashiest death, but it is the best death that I think anyone who enjoys their life can ask for

[folansstuff]

Dungeon Meshi Thoughts

Mostly about Laios tbh (Spoiler-y for Anime watchers btw)

also this is gonna be super personal and rambly so uhhhhhh, yeah!

So during my read through of Dungeon Meshi, I couldn't stop thinking about how much I related to Laios. Initially I chocked it up to being a guy with a particular and intense interest and some kind of mutual undiagnosed Autism, plus the stellar writing and art of Ryoko Kui just making me really vibe with the guy

And then I get fucking hit with this in Chapter 88:

(Also that's not the full panel this manga has INCREDIBLE panel work, like seriously.)

Laios notes more than once that he doesn't get other people, he spent most of his early years with either his sister or with pets and his attempts to go out into the world were met with him feeling out of place with other people, all of which seemed like they got something that he didn't, forcing him to drift from place to place until he became an adventurer. He says he would simply be happier as a monster, or at least surrounded by them. After all, a monster doesn't need to worry about looking like an idiot, or accidentally insulting his friends, or being too into stuff. He sees his sister turn into a half-dragon and while he is worried about her, and he openly says he wishes it was him. And while that's played off for comedy, finding out that, yeah, Laios was alienated and was ostracized and would probably find solace in the idea of not being human anymore makes it all make way more sense.

And sans the "Destroy humanity" stuff, I totally get it! Every character I've ever latched on to, every character I've ever invented (even Atticus to some extent) has had the caveat on not being 100% a person. I've been doing that since I was a kid, imaging characters that are just that little but inhuman.

I have, and frequently do, feel alienated in the ways Laios talks about being in the manga! I have also been in positions where I realize I know nothing about the people I'm meant to be friends with, or that I have been making a fool of myself in front of the ones I do have! That if I simply wasn't a person, then I wouldn't have to feel alienated, or stressed, or lonely, or whatever ever again. There have been plenty of times that I had thoughts exactly like Laios', and there's something really weird about having that instinct reflected back at me.

And Laios doesn't get "better". He never stops being kinda absent-minded, never stops being either too close or too distant, never stops being obsessed with the thing he's obsessed with. (to both tragic and hilarious effect come the ending of the manga) He rejects the idea of becoming a monster, thanks to his friends and the experience of sharing meals with others, but that instinct and mental thing never goes away.

He doesn't stop being weird.

And my point is that it feels weird and kinda nice? To see a character who thinks and feels similarly to me, and not have him be some kind of sociopath. And maybe I'm misinterpreting him, but that's what he means to me, I guess.

Anyway read Dungeon Meshi

[mambalae-s]

hi hi mamba, i want to start this off with a congrats and a thank you so much for putting in the work and the energy to do this event. i really appreciate it so much and i'm so so proud of you. you're doing wonderful, darling !

for your event, i actually can't decide myself so i'm going to give you the choice to pick for me between toji and satoru from jjk - (i really really hope you're not indecisive and are able to work well under pressure ! but you can let me know if you need me to choose one);

this might need a bit of a trigger warning, but something i'm still learning to love about myself is my weight and my body. i kinda struggle with my eating habits a little bit sometimes and i won't go into detail but it's something that i'm working on :)

as far as my personality goes, i would describe myself as someone who speaks her mind and usually doesn't hold back from doing so (mostly bc i think honesty is the best policy in any kind of relationship). and um this might be kind of contradicting, but at the same time i also isolate myself from loved ones when i'm feeling down or pressured and keep everything to myself bc i don't like arguing/conflict. my friends describe me as having a sarcastic sense of humour and say that i roll my eyes a lot but they also think i'm very very sweet because i flirt with them often just for fun hehe. i'm mostly an introvert because i need to have my alone time but when i'm feeling charged then i'm able to make friends very very quickly. and my dad says it's because i'm empathetic and always know what to say when it comes to ppl hehe. (ahh this is getting too long... i just love talking about myself. i'll try wrapping it up quickly!) some other things you should know about me: i'm a hopeless romantic, don't like horror, am a total daydreamer, i write romance, fanfiction, and poetry, pink is my favourite colour, i'm a lipgloss/lipstick addict (and collect them for fun even when i don't need them), spring is my favourite season, my love language is physical touch, i'm an infp, and if it's important for the moodboard i'm south asian!

let's keep this sfw for ease, so i'll end it by describing my dream date with both men. you can then choose which one you'll do!

1. i know satoru's really really tall, but i just picture toji being taller and bigger in my head so i have this headcanon that i'm like half his size (for reference, i'm 5'3-ish) and in my head we are just grumpy x sunshine couple all the way. dream date with toji would be us going to the amusement park (my fav place on earth) and just being kids tbh. i'd force him to wear cutesy animal headbands and ride the rollercoaster and the ferris wheel with me and we'd stand in long long lines just talking and he would probably whine and complain about everything but he'd put up with it for me (also i'd probably manipulate him with my big eyes and my own bratty attitude ^^)

2. with satoru, i feel like since he's pretty childish in a relationship, i'd definitely act more bossy/mature with him as a result. (he'd look so pretty taking orders, wouldn't he?) dream date with satoru would just be a stay at home date. we'd start off by cooking dinner and dessert together, then have a spa night, and end it by doing a disney movie marathon together. he's so money i just have the urge to show him that we can do things without spending so much or going out to fancy restaurants and stuff.

anyway, i'm sorry for making this so long. as you can tell, i'm a talker. i'll leave the choice up to you for which boy to pick, but i just want to say thank you in advance. i love u sm mamba. congrats again baby doll <33

my beloved safi!! my dearest angel!! i’m so so soooo excited to do your request!! genuinely kicked my feet and did a little dancy dance when i saw your ask and i started searching for your pics as early as 4am before work! as soon as you mentioned sunshine x grumpy, you’d gotten me on team toji! im gonna make the prettiest, cutest, sweetest boards and scenarios for you, because you truly are as bright as the sun and you deserve the world! hugging you sooooo warmly!

also please don’t feel bad for telling me as much as you did!’ it makes me happy to learn about you all during these little events!

╰┈➤ cherry blossom lips — safi x toji

╰┈➤ song — pov by ariana grande

𓆩ᥫ᭡𓆪 one of the first things that really drew toji to you was your smile. he finds the way your eyes light up and crinkle ever so slightly ever so enchanting. he’s so entirely enraptured, you have no idea just how much!

𓆩ᥫ᭡𓆪 i’ve said this for others as well, but toji’s also the kind of lover who is very attentive to you and your likes. i also think that he spoils you quite a bit! he’ll take note of your collection of lipglosses and lipsticks and whenever he’s out, he always keeps his eyes open for ones that he thinks you’ll like.

𓆩ᥫ᭡𓆪 if you only ask him once, he’ll help you pick out a lovely combination for your days and contemplates very intensely on what look he thinks would work well! he’s very involved surprisingly and loves to see the way you switch things up every now and then, and finds it really cute when you keep returning to favourites time and time again.

𓆩ᥫ᭡𓆪 i also think he’d be very playful and loves to kiss your glossy lips, if only to taste the sweet flavours as he licks the tint from his own lips, keeping his eyes locked on yours with your chin between his fingers as he tells you how sweet you taste.

𓆩ᥫ᭡𓆪 he’s very perceptive to you and your feelings and always looks out for you as best as he can. he knows just how much you care for others around him, and him especially, always making sure that he’s alright, asking him about his day and of anything that he may have on his mind.

𓆩ᥫ᭡𓆪 he might not be very vocal about it, but his way of reassuring you is at first to pull you in for a long hug. he rests his chin on top of your head and just holds you close to him, hands stroking your back and waist and taking slow, deep breaths so that you’ll follow his lead. especially during moments when he notices you quietly hurting, he’ll always mutter loving reassurances that he’s here for you, and that you don’t have to push yourself to talk to him until you’re ready — just know that he’s there for you

𓆩ᥫ᭡𓆪 he also knows how much you try to show yourself love, especially when it comes to your body. toji can tell whenever you’re having a hard time showing yourself the love he feels for you, and his way of reminding you of that love is by initiating physical contact in very intimate ways!

𓆩ᥫ᭡𓆪 not intimate as in sexual, but he’ll lay down with you and shower your entire body with kisses, reaching beneath your clothes with his fingers and taking his time to let each kiss linger, with little whispers of everything he loves, every part of you that you’re still learning to love on yourself. like i said, he’s extremely intentional, so know that all of those kisses and light touches are overflowing with love he feels deep inside his heart, because he’ll be there to love you until — and even after — you’ve fully grown to love yourself the way he does

𓆩ᥫ᭡𓆪 when you ask him one day to visit an amusement park with you, he doesn’t think twice about saying yes! sure, he might act like he has zero interest in wearing those cute headbands with you, but he’d do anything just to make you happy!

𓆩ᥫ᭡𓆪 sure, he’ll say that it won’t look good on him and that it’ll make him look silly, but how can he say no to those pleading eyes and pouty lips of yours? in the end, he’ll let you stuff his mouth full of cotton candy and grumble as you set cute mickey mouse ears atop his head — and don’t tell anyone, but he melts like putty at the way you light up and boop his nose, a little red faced as you tell him how cute he looks

𓆩ᥫ᭡𓆪 he’ll even match with you to wear pink themed outfits! if it’s a colder time of the year when you both go, he’ll buy you both pink lilo onesies ahead of time so that you can wear them together! absolutely loves the pictures you both take and sets them as your contact photo, his wallpaper, all so that he can see the way you smile at the camera while his soft gaze is trained on you

𓆩ᥫ᭡𓆪 now this is a secret, but toji gets a little squeamish in high places, so he’s a little nervous at first about going on the roller coasters and ferris wheels, but it’s all so worth it as he gets to hear your joyful squeals and laughter, watching your eyes crinkle as you belt out all these happy noises. the fact that you’re enjoying yourself makes him all the more pleased and he takes his own enjoyment purely from you.

𓆩ᥫ᭡𓆪 he knows how you love the romantic things in life, so he takes you to the biggest ferris wheel in the park at night when all the lights shine like colourful stars. he wraps his arm around you and admires you admiring the scene around you, leaning into his embrace and just taking in the moment. he can’t stop himself from thinking just how precious you are to him, how much he loves you, and would absolutely tear the world apart to keep you safe.

𓆩ᥫ᭡𓆪 when your cart reaches the highest point of the ride, he lets himself go and pulls you in for a sweet kiss, letting it last for seconds that feel like years and mere moments to him as he drinks you in for all that you are, pouring into you every poem he’s secretly written in his heart for you. he whispers to you how much you love him, “until the end of time, safi… i’ll always love you, even after then.”

mamba celebrates 100 followers — jjk and haikyuu selfship event!

[hangozoe]

Unorganized thoughts after finishing IW

(Spoilers under the cut)

I was probably the most impressed by Yamai. He's a lovable villain.

THE YAMAI/ARAKAWA PARALLELS!!!!!!!! (This deserves its own post)

The ATONEMENT is satisfying. Yamai, Bryce (kinda, at least he didn't kill himself), Ebina, and Eiji!!! It almost makes up for the bitterness of Aoki being denied redemption.

Sawashiro LIVING is insane.

I'm a bit surprised about how many characters lived but it seems to be a declaration from writing RGG differently. Wong Tou was kind of forgettable but it's mostly the sheer volume of the cast.

They shelved the hell out of Chitose, though. Wow.

My main gripe with the writing is losing the plot a little with the guardians of Nele Island. Fine, we can have the giant deadly shark battle. (Even though sharks don't need more media depicting them as far more dangerous than they are.) But ALSO a giant squid? Come on.

Okay also the Saeko/Ichiban felt a little forced heterosexual romance but to me it makes perfect sense for Ichiban to feel like should like Saeko. (To be fair, I can picture Ichiban falling for a lot of the cast.) I found it cute, but I can imagine it was annoying to a lot of people. It was to my friend watching me play lmao

The gameplay was top notch from start to finish. The battles felt so, so good. It was fast, it was dynamic the animations were satisfying, and there were so many mechanics to play with. Honestly the only wrong thing with the gameplay that it's almost TOO much. And they force you to do some of it as part of the main story (Sujimon and Dondoko Island).

I literally played GOLF to reach Level 9 Awakening all for a cutscene where Kiryu doesn't talk to Haruka.

The Lani/Haruka parallel was a tad hamfisted but I still would have liked to see more. The cast was too large to give any meaningful attention to the main living MacGuffin of the plot

This game was definitely worth its steep price tag to me, mostly because of Dondoko Island minigame in addition to the regular content.

I'm glad I took my time with the game. I didn't burn myself out and had time to digest information in between cutscenes.

Overall I'm pretty satisfied. I'm a bit afraid to read negative reviews but I can definitely see people where people can have gripes with this game

[katierosefun]

I'll just go ahead and reply to that beyond evil anon about Juwon if you don't mind, you don't have to post this if you don't want.

"In his desperation to catch the killer in order to prove himself..."

See this is where you're wrong, he didn't want to prove himself, he fucking hated himself for what he did, he wanted to seek justice for Lee Geum Hwa. Do you just conveniently forget his words to Dongsik?

"Even if the whole world forgets her, even if no one comes to claim her body I won't forget her!"

He didn't need to tell him that, mid breakdown no on gives a shit about virtue signaling, his dad isn't there and Dongsik's opinion should be the last thing he cares about, it's just him, being a disaster, trying to make things right however he can. He's young and stupid so yes he makes more mistakes but don't just brush off all his attempts at character development, it kinda sounds like you're projecting on him.

Juwon never denies it when Dongsik accuses him of "killing" Lee Geum Hwa, Dongsik just keeps on pressuring him, scaring him that he'll tell everyone about it, that he'll ruin his life and his father's life, forces Juwon to shoot him to silence him but Juwon never falls for it, he can't physically deny what he did, at least not when he's confronted for it by Dongsik. He's just Good. He's a goddamn messy person but he's a Good person. He has all the power and money to be the evilest bastard out there, doing whatever he wants but he has inner moral code so strong he follows them no matter what.

Yes he gets swayed to cover it up because of how much his father and Hyuk suggest it but be doesn't actually do it. Way before Dongsik's constantly reminding him of what he's done He, Juwon, is trying to atone.

Him coming back even more of an insufferable fool after that 3 months doesn't prove your point that he doesn't change. He did change, he softened up and let Dongsik close, Dongsik then betrayed his trust which resulted to him acting like a dumbass which caused more of a mess. No one is denying his wrongs here. The disagreement is on his guilt and remorse being genuine. It's just not fake, he continues to hate himself even more after what happens to Nam Sang Bae, he's the one who pulls his dead body out of the cold waters dude do you think he's faking to himself about how sad and guilty he feels?

He keeps mentioning that he's at fault to manyang people to get them to hate him or cuss him out but they just don't, they don't want that for him to be trapped in that cycle of self hate and guilt, because they see how he really, truly, is feeling.

"This is why to me, his expressions of guilt and remorse feel a bit like virtue signaling, esp. as he’s probably aware he’s unlikely to be punished, and this is what I find annoying (although also a bit saddening, as this virtue signaling is apparently unconscious and an attempt to convince HIMSELF of his goodness, which shows just how much his upbringing has messed him up)."

He hates himself!!! He doesn't want to prove to himself that he's a good person, he in fact Believes he's a Bad person. And your whole thing about "as he’s probably aware he’s unlikely to be punished" just comes out of the blue, like it's a clear projection on your part that nothing in the narrative and his character arc points to it. That's a sentence I would believe about Han Kihwan, not Han Juwon.

"I don't trust you, I don't trust Han Kiwan, I don't even trust myself"

Does this sound like virtue signaling? To who?? It doesn't even make sense and I'm not sorry to say it.

And just a side note

Virtue signaling: the action or practice of publicly expressing opinions or sentiments intended to demonstrate one's good character or the moral correctness of one's position on a particular issue.

So no, it's not Han Juwon.

(my ex English literature ass and current law student ass jumped out I'm sorry @ Caroline)

no mineh you are literally so right for this, and thank you for taking the time to write this out. i'd literally just woken up when i got that anon, and given that this person had been really . . . trying to take up my inbox the last few days, i really think i just burned tf out (also, as a fellow ex english lit ass + current law student who's currently writing memos and putting together outlines for final exams that identify fact patterns/issues to defend hypothetical clients , , , i could feel myself just getting very impatient and just like. "bro are u seriously asking me to defend joo won for the 3rd time this week buddy bestie come on we've been over this already")

so. that said. yes, thank you so much for bringing all this up and coming out with all the facts, because genuinely, i know that there are a lot more important things to worry about than like, the interpretation of a character (def Fandom Old for me to say that it's fine for people to dislike characters), but like. man, i would hope that if you dislike a character, you would also at least get the facts correct, y'know? for someone to completely, blatantly ignore joo won's actions and to read them in such a . . . narrow light irked me to say the least. i have now had some coffee and also the boost of literally every single beyond evil fan on twitter yelling about media literacy, so. i think i have some more energy to go off your very insightful points and evidence:

so yes, you're totally right--and i'd also bring up the fact that joo won quietly, privately checks up on lee geum hwa's body down at the morgue. he tries to get her buried/have a real funeral, but then he's told by the mortician that he can't, because only family members are allowed, and joo won doesn't qualify as a family member. i don't think someone who doesn't care/isn't remorseful would go so far as to quite literally check on her body and try to give lee geum hwa that much peace, even after her death.

and also, yes. virtue signaling, thank you for providing the correct definition. virtue signaling is the thing that celebrities and your annoying racist ex-high school classmate will do when sharing a bunch of infographics about #black lives matter on their instagram story, while still turning around and still endorsing racist politicians or something. virtue signaling looks like people clapping their hands and making a huge ruckus about "LOOK HOW GOOD A PERSON I AM, LOOK AT HOW GOOD A PERSON I AM" while deep down doing nothing. at its core, virtue signaling is all about performance, and i think what bothers me the most is to really look at joo won's actions and go "lol he was being so performative" when, in actuality, that was never the case. every single time he was planning with dong sik had always been in private. he tried so hard to never take the credit either (and the fact that he asked to be suspended and was literally planning to step down from the police, only to have dong sik tell him to stay) really goes to show how non-performative joo won is. (it's also worth noting that like. joo won is still just an inspector when he comes around to manyang in the next year. with his credentials, it's pretty easy to think that people would have wanted to promote him, but i'm willing to bet that joo won had turned down any promotions because he didn't want that attention or that potential of moving to seoul, where he wouldn't be completing dong sik's assigned mission for him (finding lost people)).

anyways, thank you for your remarks. i do think i tend to be mostly zen when it comes to beyond evil comments and general disagreements when it comes to fandom, but i was disheartened to find those sorts of comments in my inbox this morning lol (maybe doubly so because today marks 10 years of fandom for me, personally, so there was definitely some irony in waking up and being like "omg i've done this for 10 years", only to be hit with "oh my god i've been doing this for 10 years and people still think it's cool to make me feel annoyed at 8 in the morning, jesus christ").

but in any case: thank you for the remarks!

[captainaikus]

Uh hi. I've never done something like this before but all I wanted to do is that I wanted to tell you how incredible your works are. It's amazing and tbh it makes me inspired to try make works of my own which probably won't go well since I lack the courage and motivation. I'm sorry for what happened to you earlier with that person being so quick to assume but overall I just hope you're all cooled down from what happened earlier. That's all, I just came here to tell you that. I hope you're doing okay and healthy both physically and mentally/emotionally? . Also as a reminder, pls remember to stay hydrated and eat at least something don't starve ahaha. Uh yeah anyways hope you for the best. 💕💗

-Anon 💙 (uh I've never done this before so pls don't uh mention my mistakes if there's any. I didn't reread this—)

Hi hi pretty! ٩꒰｡•◡•｡꒱۶

Tags : talks abt depression, mentions of coping mechanisms, and basically the reason why i started writing here

Thank you so much for reading my works! You have no idea how much it means to me to know that i inspired someone to write; even if my image isn't looking the best rn- but that's one of the faces of being a writer of any kind.

As for the writing part. So, I've been on tumblr for over four years, reading for the first three and posting things in the past one. The first post i made was a post regarding a Bakugou work and it was nsfw. I was really scared cause it was the first time i had done something so bold and i lacked the courage for it but i really wanted to get my work out there. and cause i was determined to, i decided that i was gonna do it. it wasn't the best back then cause i had no sense of a writing style- and now that i think about it my writing style was cringe. i have the mind to take those works down, but that is a sign of how much i worked to get here. from barely making a 100 likes, i made 200, crossed 300 and so on and have a lot of followers as well.

but for me it was never about the likes or followers i got, it was all about what i wanted to do and there is a whole list of that - some of them being that i wanted to make something self indulgent (yes i still read my tears, your comfort esp aiku's part before sleeping on bad days and i'm making more works) or could be because i wanted to get an opinion out here as a way of expressing myself; but most of all it was creating content for you guys. Cause i know a lot of people comfort on tumblr. and when i wasn't doing so well in my later teen years, i took to tumblr to comfort cause it was healthy coping mechanism - and reading things here had always made my day. and i wanted to do that for someone.

I know that the first move always seems scary, there will be trips and stumbles along the way, there will be times when you feel sad about not getting likes or the drop in followers or have a rivaling author/ writer, times when you have your idea stolen- as it has happened with me before. but that shouldn't stop you; now my writing is purely for the purpose of self satisfaction and the itch of writing an idea that can make someone's day.

That's my motivation and rather than forcing an idea, it is best to let it come to you naturally and taking your time with it. Enjoy writing the fic and it really shows in your work. don't sweat the details, that comes with the more you practice. and if you need advice or writing tips come over to my side blog or ask away here. I'd be happy to help! (๑•͈ᴗ•͈)

As for how i'm doing? kinda sleepy. Happens when i'm emotionally stressed out or having my blood boil from something someone said. As for the anon, i got one sentence : jumped to conclusions too early and even tried to interrogate me And since i wasn't having any of it, cause i don't have to prove myself to anyone, i deleted it - like this person doesn't even know me and were quick to assume things abt me; and decided to sleep over the fic and move onto the next best thing - making more fics and enjoying it cause i am not gonna let someone behind an anon affect me ꒰✿ˊᗜˋ ꒱ ‹3

I had a sub sandwich with water and listened to ice cream by heiakim to cheer myself up ૮ ෆ ´ ˕ ` ෆ ა

i know this thing isn't permanent and it shall pass- but thanks for dropping in! Do you want an anon in case you want to come back an just rant or talk? whatever you want really ʕ•́ᴥ•̀ʔっ♡

[muninnhuginn]

1, 3, 15!!!

Thanks for asking! Asks are from this list. Recent fics I discuss are here and I will not be linking my older stuff

1. Share a song that makes you think of [fic title]

So, probably my edgiest fic has the edgiest song attached to it in my mental playlist. For 'puppet(eer)', I'd say Control - Halsey. I'd quote particular lyrics, but aside from the first two paragraphs it all fits so well I'm not sure what I'd even pick out

3. What’s your favorite fic that you’ve written?

Definitely one of my more recent fic. I've kinda hidden away most of my older stuff ngl. I think I'm torn between 'liminal' and 'landlady'. I spent the longest on the former so I think it's the most polished (even if I can see some specific aspects I didn't manage to iron out in retrospect). But at the same time, 'landlady' was something I'd had in the back of my mind for a while, because I feel like my view on the Qiao Ling-Cheng Xiaoshi relationship may not fully align with the widely agreed fanon? So I'm glad I finally managed to make myself write that and actually put it out there

My thoughts were kinda, yes, they may act like siblings, but (donghua-wise, not seen the LA) would they call themselves that? We know Qiao Ling tried to bridge the gap with Tianxi by specifically comparing relationships with brothers. By saying that what Tianchen is to Tianxi, that's what Cheng Xiaoshi is to her. We know when she first met Lu Guang she vetted him from the perspective of someone claiming Cheng Xiaoshi as her own. But then from Cheng Xiaoshi's end, if he has to refer to her as a specific role it's always the "landlady" or something along those lines. It's an interesting distance that he adds, simplifying her role in his life to "someone he owes money to" despite them clearly being closer than that. And you can speculate as to why that may be (and how strongly his parental abandonment issues/some sense of filial piety play into it) but either way, it's a disconnect between them both. So it was fun to explore that grey area a bit.

I started off the fic with the dialogue about QL seeing CXS as her brother but him just seeing her as the landlady and then expanded from there so it's like... one of Qiao Ling's traits is her particular brand of denial. Her preferring not to address difficult situations until she's forced to and instead just channeling her efforts elsewhere. So, could she have just let this disconnect stand because she doesn't want to impose, even as it's hurting her? Because she recognises that it's tough for Cheng Xiaoshi and she'd rather prioritise that over her own wellbeing? She kept quiet on seeing Doudou for years and let that guilt swallow her, even altering her uni path as a result. So it seems conceivable to me that she'd not speak up over any discomfort she may or may not have over how Cheng Xiaoshi thinks of her.

Meanwhile (and tbf I didn't really write this into the fic itself but if I'd have added more I probably would have done) you have Cheng Xiaoshi protecting himself in a way by enforcing this distance. If Qiao Ling isn't his family then he doesn't have to worry if he's betraying his "own" family by accepting her. His whole deal is based on this schrödingers parents scenario where he doesn't want them *dead* because they're his parents, but if they're alive, then as everyone around him says (other than ql) then they must have abandoned him. So he wants to believe there's something stopping them from returning but that they would return if they could. However, it's been years. What are the chances?

So you get cxs distancing to protect himself and catching ql in the crossfire who is unwilling to remove herself from the firing line because by doing that she'd adding to the crowd who say his parents must be dead/have abandoned him (regardless of her own views on the topic she doesn't want to push cxs away). And most of the time, she doesn't think about it. It's out of sight out of mind. But "most" of the time is far from "all" of the time

Anyway yeah, as you can probably tell, the fic I find easiest to write are those where I can try to almost write meta on canon and then try to fold a fic around it

15. How do you come up with titles for your fics/chapters?

I don't really have a process honestly. I don't bother at all with chapter titles but I do try to figure out some meaning I'm happy with for overall fic titles. One of my old fic used lyrics for the title. My newer ones have tended to be one word, but that's not really something I've aimed for.

'puppet(eer)' is obviously going for the 'is ltc the puppeteer as he tries to portray or himself the puppet'. Then 'eve' had a few different meanings (the eve of lg's final dive, the eve of cxs's parents leaving, etc). 'liminal' was trying to almost sum up the vibe I was going for in the fic. The idea that ql only got to see lg as she did because it was that off-kilter time of night where things don't quite feel real. And 'landlady' is self-explanatory. It could also have been called 'sister' but that felt a bit too much like digging the knife in somehow

[cosmicssadness]

maybe it's time to come to terms with the fact that I haven't been well lately. or ever been for the last 10 years of my life.

maybe 10+ years of normalizing abuse and not ever seeing a way out really affected me and it's not like I always say. I know I'm strong, but I do not take pride in such a thing. I've been forced to be strong. I really haven't been given a choice of being weak, or finding a safe place, or whatever it is that I could be offered to make it a bit better.

I know I crave affection and attention as much as I like to hide from people. because it's not easy to go by on your own, even though I'm very much used to this. but just because I'm used to it, it doesn't mean that I wouldn't have it any other way. I definitely would. because it's not cool to look at my life and wonder why I am still here. people usually give you this stupid sense that it's worth sticking around. at least they did to me, I know it doesn't work for everyone (speaking of experience). but what do you do when you have no one? I'm lucky enough to have dreams and hopes for the future, otherwise I definitely wouldn't have been here. but these same hopes and dreams seem so fragile and far from my reach that something I even wonder if it's still worth to keep going.

and it's not that I want to be dead, don't get me wrong. life is good, sometimes. but when you have nowhere to fall in it just gets really hard. I know people care about me. I know some would say I have a lot of potential - which is the reason I'm writing this, who knows? maybe one day I'll make it and someone or even myself will look at this and think of how I could still come out on top, even with the odds stacked against me.

I like to think that I used to be a winner - that little 10 year old version of me that won a writing context or almost got into one of the most prestigious schools in her city, or even the 12 year old that already made her own money. but when I look at them, I see that even at that time I wasn't confident enough.

I do feel proud of myself for sticking around for 20 years. and I do feel proud of the younger version of me that was so, so fearless even her shyness couldn't beat her. I'm still fearless, in a way, just not a good one.

you know, when you lean your life into something so small, stupid and fragile, it's difficult not to wonder when this ticking time bomb will explode. and it seems to me that it just did right now.

leaning your life over people - flawed, fragile humans - is definitely not one of the smartest choices one could make. especially when you are talking about people you don't even know personally. you can't judge me though, it's just the reason I've found for life - and I know it's miserable to not have anything else to "fight" for. well, to give me credit, that really isn't the only thing that keeps me going, but it is for the most part.

in my eyes, I do not have great ambitions, even if some people would disagree on that. yes, my life revolves around money - how could it not? - but money's all I've ever had to be proud of. when in other's people's eyes your biggest accomplishments are in some way related to money, it's not difficult to want to have more and more. it seems kinda stupid but one way or another money is a really powerful tool. and probably the best way I have to get out of here and get any bit close to what I truly want for life.

I managed to have such a sense of selflessness because I have not been given anything in life at all. other than the basics, which I can't really complain about, there's nothing else. you know, when your parents don't show you what true and unconditional love is, it is really to move around life. and even though after all this time I know as a matter of fact that the problem is not me, it doesn't make it any less difficult. when you know you've never been wanted and shouldn't even exist it is really hard to have a positive perspective of things. it's like Queen said, "I don't wanna die but sometimes wish I've never been born at all". that would make things way easier, because now that I'm here there isn't much left to do.

but when you know what I know and you are the way I am, it makes you question a lot of things. see, I've been given many unwanted responsibilities in my life and as much as I'm sure I have failed to keep up with some of these responsibilities, I never once neglected or disregarded any of them. it's hard to empathize with my parents when I know that I could've been given better chances in life.

looking back, I see how miserable everything is. I see the full extent of how much they've failed me or not even tried at all, and yes, I'm going to judge them. being where I'm at now, which is where they once were, I've managed to make a somehow good life for myself - financially, at least. i do not consider whatsoever fair that I have to face the consequences of someone else's choices in my life to this extent, but what else is there to do? mourning my past will not make my future better, but I'm kinda at a loss of what to do here.

it's hard to make a better life for yourself when you've been through so much, it's hard to make a better life for yourself when you have no one to support you and it's hard to make a better life for yourself when you have to deal with all of your fucked up padt

as of recently, I've made a not so pleasant discovery: I do not take myself seriously, much like everyone else in my life. but this does not bring anything good to my table - hell, if anything it just makes it way more difficult. I know I am repeating this word way too much, but this is exactly the idea: difficult. because it hasn't been easy at all.

to be honest, the damage is far the point of acceptable right now. I have no idea why I keep gaslighting myself like this, believing these people could be good. I have known nothing but violence, screaming, shouting and hurt for the last 10 or so years of my life. I don't know why anything in me thought this could change or get better. it's like I try, I try hard, but things never seem to change. there's always going to be someone to pull out the trigger and make me fall apart again.

you know, I was reading something about Stockholm syndrome and I realized I myself am stuck in a situation similar to that. I am not going to say that it is that, I am no professional to diagnose myself like this, but I find it quite intriguing why I have spent thousands and thousands on people who don't give a shit about me and would turn their backs on me in the blink of an eye. I think I do not feel any affection whatsoever but it is still strange. I owe nothing to these people. I am not to blame for my existence, as it was not a choice of mine to be in this world, so my existence couldn't mean that I owe them something, as it was solely their choice to put me in this world, but I still feel that they have me on a chokehold. why?

it makes me feel angry. it makes me have graphic thoughts. it makes me wonder what in the world did I do to deserve such a thing. I didn't realize I stopped silently praying for the day all of this would be over, and I didn't realize I stopped caring about how bad all of this could get. until it snapped.

[streetlights-was-taken]

haven't done the 3.3. AQ yet but I'm seeing reactions from others and I wanted to get my thoughts down (with respect to fic writing) before I start the quest myself

if we get wanderer who sees relationships as transactional in 3.3, as some of the others suggest (I'm only inferring, since I actually try to avoid spoilers), then I'm gonna be SO happy because that means my characterization of him in lltll is doable. we haven't seen much of him yet in lltll, but I've been trying to hint that he likes to make "deals" with people because it gives him a sense of security on where he stands in a relationship and what he can expect from others and what others expect from him

so for example, he planted a directive in lumine's head that ensures lumine won't be his enemy. with albedo, he makes a less forceful deal; they kinda use each other and as long as there's mutual benefit, they are allies. albedo will give him access to irminsul and reach true divinity and wanderer will help him find the truth (which, since this is a canon divergence fic, might not be the same "truth" as in canon)

since this is pre-sumeru wanderer, I'm still shaky on how to characterize him. although because I did plan on making him God (capital G) in my fic, so I guess it's not too far off from pre-sumeru scaramouche.

idk what'll happen to his name lmao. I haven't even started the AQ yet since I can't commit to one. "kintsukuroi/kintsugi" is kinda nice and gives a bit of scarabedo feels. but I already used "kunikuzushi" so I will probably stick to that? we'll see

as for dottore... oh man. I did have a plan to take care of the fatui in the fic so I don't have to think of how to deal with the canon divergence of every character. basically I'm blackboxing it to "abyss order goes to war against the fatui so everyone to the west of liyue is distracted because of this." signora is the only one in liyue/mondstadt region to make sure the war doesn't end up there (per zhongli's contract not to harm liyue) and also to keep an eye out for scaramouche, who has gone MIA during the whole thing. sumeru arc didn't happen (I really wish I set the fic up so it did though, but I'm too far in to change things now). idk, would that even work??

man I'm never writing a canon divergent fic this long again, this is too hard :/

[hereintheinbetween]

I wish I could describe to you the noice I just left out something between a whale, a yodeling cat and a snort 😭😭

I've literally been on my phone disassociating for hours so brace yourself

**I referred to the female character as "her" even tho its supposed to be the reader just to make things less weird

First and foremost shes giving me Little mermaid vibes. I'm here for it tho. As someone who had some serious restrictions growing up, I think it's only natural to wonder what's outside your boundaries

I think that her stubbornness and determination is probably part of what's attractive to him. Imagine wanting something so bad you were willing to literally risk everything for it? Also, his people literally worship him and have his whole life. It has to be a bit refreshing to encounter someone who doesn't fully fall in line. Even tho he's very much in a position of power still, she's kind of a slight resistance to him by breaking his biggest rule. As contradicting as it is I get why he likes the defiance.

Her constantly wandering further towards the boarders (so to speak) also gives me Moana vibes... I finally made a Disney plus account yesterday. Sue me (gotta brace for BPWF coming to streaming lol)

The way he tossed a whole person on to dry land like the catch of the day was hot as hell. It shouldn't have been, but it was. The strength. The aggression 🤌

"Do as he says and he will spare you. No matter what he asks." Namora... what kinda deals have you seen make before to say this?? 🤔🤨

Someone should not be able to manage charm while threatening to lie to your parents about your death. The fact you managed that is A+ writing. I sound sarcastic but I mean that sincerely, I'm just judging myself (down BAD)

The smut is well written and I'm going to use what's left of my composure to not act a fool over it but... EVERY other night?? Several times a night?? Got damn can she walk swim?!

Idk if you've ever seen the movie Like Mike but this same thing happens. There's an orphan who asks to meet potential families that want to adopt him. The person running the orphanage wants to keep him there as he's generating money. So he sets up the WORST families for the boy to interview with. It was about as affective as it was here but also hilarious. It should have been obvious it wouldn't work. If someone is optimistic and is shown all the bad of a situation, it will just make the good that much more alluring. I like that she unintentionally forced him to acknowledge the good of the world. Even he can't dent the beauty of certain places. Plus assuming they went on land somewhere in Mexico, it really is beautiful.

does he somehow have a Spidey sense for pregnancy cause....

i wonder who goes to get her for him and if they have any idea what's going on 🤔

This shows a really great progression of the relationship in a condensed way. It's almost like a montage was painted without it being explicitly described. I admire that. The same with the sex. You feel the shift to things being more tender. Accurately depicting emotions during sex/sexual situations is hard. Even movies often struggle to get it right. Being able to do it thru words is a skill I do NOT have (at least not yet) so you should be proud of yourself.

I said it already but I hope there's a part two. This would honestly be fun to read as a fullblown series because of how much there is to tell. There's a bunch of perspectives you could touch on (his thru their time together, hers as she fails at dating, namora catching her/seeing things develop between them, her parents failing at discouraging her etc. ) My mind is literally hardwired to think of all these different "what ifs". I get that your probably working on a bunch of different things for the same reason tho so I respect that.

behold my random ass unhinged thoughts and comments *takes a bow*. The days over so I'm kinda late, but hopefully all this helps you have a better day tomorrow.

Namor likes to find you and use you whenever he pleases. It's a deal you have. He has full access and your family will never find out that you visit the surface.

ooh interesting. A little bit of dark Namor I think.

Summary: It was a scandalous secret you kept with the King, of all people. He took you to the surface to quell your curiosity and in exchange your body belonged to him.

Kind of Yandere!Namor some smut.

Namor hated the surface world. He knew the danger it posed to his people so he actively kept them from it. The only Talokanil that ever saw the surface were those who fought beside and for their king. But in such a sheltered place, no matter how peaceful and self sufficient, there would always be a curious few who wanted to see the world outside.

The King ordered his soldiers to stop any Talokanil who may venture too far from the kingdom or try to see the surface world. It was for their own good that they be kept in the confines of Talokan.

You were one such member of Talokan who yearned to see the surface. To feel the legendary sun on your skin and to see how atrocious it was with your own eyes. You had slowly been testing your luck, swimming closer and closer to the surface at the far edges of the country.

Between the underwater ravines was the only place that no one could see you. One day you finally broke the surface, keeping your eyes above water while you still breathed beneath the surface. The sun was dazzling, the sky a shade of blue you had never seen before. You longed to rise up further and feel the sunlight on the rest of your face, but suddenly you were dragged back into the water.

There was a firm grip on your ankle as you were pulled back into the sea. You couldn't shake off your captor as they sped through the water, through the cyclones and the darkness. Soon, you were surrounded by underwater caves. You stopped fighting and felt your heart sink as you recognized who was dragging you, the King.

Suddenly you were thrown up into one of the caves, broke the surface of the water, and landed harshly on the dry stone. It only took moments for you to begin gasping for water. You had fallen hard onto your hip and couldn't get yourself to stand with the constricting of your lungs keeping you on your knees. You began crawling back towards the pool only for the tanned and winged feet of the King to come into your vision.

With his foot he turned you onto your back. You continued to choke on the air as he crouched over you. From your peripheral you could see the King's commander, Namora, hand something to the King.

"Hush," K'uk'ulkan bent over you and grabbed you by your jaw. You could feel yourself going lightheaded until he placed a breather over your mouth and nose. The rush of water brought you instant relief. The King watched as you regained your senses than stood up.

"Namora, bring her to my tent when she can stand," K'uk'ulkan commanded as he disappeared into the hall of caves.

You took deep breathes and sat up slowly. Namora approached you, shaking her head in disappointment. She offered you her hand as she spoke, "Silly girl. You will regret trying so hard to reach the surface. K'u'kulkan is not pleased."

You could feel yourself shaking, not from the cold but from the fear of being punished. Your parents had told you since childhood to stop daydreaming about the surface world. They had warned you that it was a huge offense to K'uk'ulkan to seek out the outside lands. But you never listened. Even when your father punished you when he found you on the outskirts of the country for the first time. Even when your mother had yelled at you for being insolent and too stubborn for you own good. Now the person who could truly make you regret it had already threatened your life by dragging you so suddenly into the air.

On shaky feet you followed Namora down the halls to a tent that sat in the center of a much larger cave. She left you at the flap entrance and gave you one last look, "Do as he says and he will spare you. No matter what he asks."

With those words as her parting gift, Namora dove into a pool to the side of the tent.

"Come," The voice of the King called to you.

You entered the tent to see the King sitting on a stool, a cape covered his shoulders and part of his chest now. He was writing something in a journal, not looking up at you. You bowed deeply then showed the sign of respect with your hands, "K'uk'ulkan. I am honored to be in your presence."

The King scoffed and looked up from his writings, "Come."

He commanded as he put the book and brush down on a small table next to him. You approached him slowly, not meeting his eyes as he observed you. You could practically feel his eyes raking across your body. Your hands were clasped in front of you and you focused on them. His tan hand found your clasped ones and he pulled you close to him.

You stood now between his spread thighs. From your standing position you were taller than him and looking upon his face. You had never seen the King up close before. The rumors of his handsome face were not unfounded, he was as godly as he was said to be. The piercing eyes, the curve of his nose, and the smirk on his lips. Your heart was racing at the proximity. You could feel his thighs against your own, he ran warmer than anyone you had ever met.

"You are beautiful for such a curious fool," the King mused as he leaned back to look at you. The back handed compliment was unexpected. You looked away, embarrassed. But the king nudged your chin with his knuckle to make you meet his eyes again, "Do you wish to see the surface world?"

You hesitated. You knew he knew the answer, that's why he had so violently dragged you there. But he still waited expectantly, his eyes glimmering with mischief.

"Yes, I've always wanted to see it," You replied, trying not to let your voice tremble in the face of the King.

A smile alighted his lips as he stood, keeping you close to him, your front flush against him. He roughly grabbed your jaw with his hand, looking into your eyes, "What price would you pay to see the surface?"

"Price?" You asked, trying to ignore the heat rising to your cheeks.

His hand moved from your jaw to your cheek, "I can grant you your wish to see the surface, keep it a secret from the rest of Talokan, if you strike a deal with me."

"If I don't?" You asked, defiantly,

The King chuckled in amusement, "I kill you and tell your parents you ventured to the surface like the fool that you are, where you were killed by surface dwellers."

You gulped loudly, surprised by the callous way he threatened your life while still smiling slightly down at you.

"So will you make a deal?" He asked, stroking your cheek affectionately. You tried not to flinch.

"What is the price?" You asked, shivering under his touch.

"You are the price. You will be mine. You will come to my palace whenever I call for you," He purred the words against your cheek, a tinge of amusement in his voice. The King wrapped his arm around your waist and pulled you closer, his hand still on face. "And whenever you wish to see the surface I will take you."

Your heart was racing. You were no young maiden ready to be handed off to a husband. You had accepted a life alone with your fantasies of the surface. The very curiosity that had made many Talokanil turn away from you as an option to court. Now here was your option of not only survival, but getting what you always wished for, more than anything in the whole of Talokan.

"What say you?" The King asked, looking down into your face.

"Deal."

~~~

K'uk'ulkan captured your lips in a consuming kiss as he thrust into you. His hands were around your face while you clawed at his back. Your legs were hooked around his waist as he pounded into the softness of your pussy. You whimpered at the assault on your senses. No matter how many times he took you it was always so intense.

He pulled away, wrapped a hand around your throat, cutting off your blood flow as he sat up and fucked your pussy deeper. You held onto his wrist looking up at the King as his eyes bore into your own. Then with a grunt and three hard thrusts he came. K'uk'ulkan released your neck and peppered your jawline with kisses as he pulled out of you.

You were breathing heavily, body melting into his large bed. He was particularly insatiable tonight. You had lost track of how many times he had filled you, and how many times he had made you cum for him. The King pulled you into his side and kissed your forehead softly. The gesture no longer surprising despite the disconnect of the soft affection to the hard way he used you.

The King had called for you every other night since the deal you had struck with him. During the days when he didn't call you, he would take you to explore the surface.

K'uk'ulkan had been sure to show you the worst of the surface world. He explained the wars, the colonization, and the destruction that had befallen each end of the Earth. He had taken you on a tour of the waste lands, of the ruined waterways, and the polluted tributaries. He tried hard to make you hate the surface world the way he did.

But eventually, realizing that your curiosity was not satiated, he began showing you the beauty left behind. The jungles, the oases of the world, and the elegance of some of the modern societies. He relished in the stories of the ancestors you shared with some of the surface dwellers and how remnants of the old civilizations still remained. You were fascinated in the new world, and enamored by the man who showed it to you.

It was wrong in so many ways, falling for a King who would strike up such a salacious deal. But he had been kind to you in that aspect. That first night he had been gentle. He had taken his time, showing you every part of your body and his that could bring pleasure. The way K'uk'ulkan looked at you when you shared his bed would convince anyone that you were too precious for the world.

You were ashamed to admit that you had fallen so easily under his charms. His kisses and touches pulling wanton moans from you so quickly it made him chuckle against your thigh before he tasted your center. The King had taught you what it meant to be worshipped with his fingers, tongue, and cock.

Some days he was rougher than others. You could tell when a day like that was coming because he would be more quiet when he adventured to the surface with you the day before. The following night when he would call you to his chambers he would waste no time in ripping you from your clothes, throwing you on the bed, and shoving himself inside you.

You hated yourself for liking his rough and dominant side more than the gentle one. He knew this. That's why on nights like this one when he had torn your clothes and told you to get on your knees and take him into your mouth, he had swiped his hand between your legs on your way down. He would lick your arousal from his hand as you took his hard cock into your mouth. The King punctuated his thrusts into your mouth with praises of how wet you were for him every time.

It was now a muscle memory response. The moment someone came to take you to him, your thighs would grow slick with anticipation. You were hungry for him and he had trained that hunger into you.

As you lay in his arms now, he reached over, sliding his hand down your belly to the apex of your thighs. He nudged you to kiss him as he thrust his fingers into your pussy, making you moan.

"Ride me," he whispered into your cheek and you obeyed. You straddled his waist and thrust down onto his hard cock. K'uk'ulkan let his hands roam up and down your body as you fucked him. He pinched your nipple and guided your hips. The King smirked at you as you moaned.

You shifted the angle as you leaned down to capture his lips in a wet kiss. Your tongues swiping against each other. You shifted your hips again and the deep moan he made in response made you smile.

"You siren," he mumbled against your mouth before he flipped you over. He hooked your leg up onto his shoulder as he thrust furiously into you again. You whimpered and moaned with each thrust. You were so close.

"K'uk'ulkan," You barely moaned.

"Tell me what you need, precious girl," he kissed your leg, and palmed your breast as he continued his steady pace.

"I'm so close, please. My king, please."

"Please what?" He smiled down at you again with that mischievous smirk.

"Please make me cum," You moaned, grinding into his thrusts.

"Gladly," his fingers found your clit and he rubbed it in time with his thrusts. You felt yourself grow wetter and more sensitive by the second, '"Cum for me, in yakunaj,"

The words took you by surprise just as the tidal wave of your orgasm crested and hit. You moaned loudly as the King continued his thrusts and ministrations on your clit. You felt his cum spurt inside of you as you came down from the mind shattering pleasure of cumming on the King's cock. A luxury you were now used to.

He did not pull out of you as he pulled your leg back down around his waist. K'uk'ulkan seated himself deeper making both of you groan. He leant forward and leaned his forehead against yours as your heaving breaths intermingled.

The gently kiss he gave you was surprising. Coy almost in how he barely touched your lips. When you opened your eyes there was something in his that was unreadable. Then he pulled away from you completely and left the bed, and the room.

You lay there dumbfounded. Why had he just left you? What had you done wrong? At that moment you felt a queasiness in your stomach that had you rushing to the lavatory to empty your belly of its contents. The King did not return as you sat in the lavatory dry heaving.

....

I know, I know, I left it open ended again. I can't help it.

all comments and reviews and reblogs and tags are appreciated and welcomed.

[windup-dragoon]

【Ｗａｔｅｒｌｉｌｉｅｓ】

Hien x Kiri

Goddess of the Sea AU 

Word Count: 2868

Brief mentioning of @windupzenos​‘ Octavia. 

“You swore an oath to me, Goddess!”

“Not this drivel again.” 

“From your very lips you gave me your word! Now release me!” 

“And ya’ thought you’d control the sea? Everyone knows the sea is fickle, my dear prince. Now shut yer damn trap!” 

Anger boiled his blood, his heart drumming harder in his ears than the pounding of his fist against the wooden door to the captain’s quarters. He could hear the hinges creak and groan beneath the strain, even rattling when he threw his shoulder into it. Yet it remained sealed despite his desperate attempt at escape. 

“Kirishimi!” His voice was hoarse from shouting her name. This time he would go unanswered, the sound swallowed by an abrupt roaring all around him. The ship rocked violently, slamming him against the door. He could hear the maelstrom worsen just beyond the wooden planks that barred him from the goddess out on the decks. Wood snapped like thunder claps that sent quakes throughout the hull of the ship; the sails hissed as their fabric was torn in the blistering gales; and if he listened, hard and close, between the chaos ensuing beyond his prison, the faint ring of metal sparking against metal. 

This was his fault. 

Hien felt as if he may begin sinking. The din outside faded beneath the weight of his thoughts and thundering heartbeat. He slipped to his knees, forehead to the splintered door and eyes loosing focus on the intricate knots of the floorboards beneath him. With each tug and pull experienced by the ship, the sway and lull as it crested tide after raging tide, he felt neither here nor there. 

All of this would be on his hands. 

While his search for the goddess had yielded grand results, his people restored and brought home to live in peace once more, he had doomed the goddess herself. A viper in his company had used him. A mere plaything to be discarded once he had fulfilled his role. How had he been so blind to it before? 

Of everyone in his crew, all but two had been his own kinsmen. While his own men were ready to cast aside their lives in search of a fantasy woman, she who spoke with the churning tides and sang with the gulls, these two hired hands had business of their own to tend to. And all the while he busied himself with the goddess, telling her stories of his country and admiring the way her eyes lit up with every shared laughter, he was dooming her to certain death. 

His heart ached at the wretched thought. Those nights spent on an eerily calm sea, watching stars mirror themselves on the oceans glassy surface as if a blanket of jewels while in her company... And she would die for his blunders. 

“They’ll tell stories of you,” The woman had snarled at him before drawing her weapon against the goddess. A monstrosity of an axe against a trident. “A sappy love story, to be assured. Poetic, as the bards have habit of making everything out of tragedy. ‘Land and sea dying together.’” Octavia gave a helpless shrug, as if to apologize for poetry not being her forte. 

Meanwhile, trashing in the maelstrom, Leviathan snapped his ship swallowing jaws at her companion, the crowned prince of metal and steel. In large arches blood dotted the stormy skies, a shower of scales and thick ichor. The prince seemed to have little trouble dealing blow after blow to the creature. Hien could do naught but feel his stomach twist with guilt with every pained cry from Leviathan. 

Words could not convey his regret for having ever brought this upon the goddess. 

Before tears could well in his eyes and blur his vision all together, the erratic movements of the ship had ceased. The brewing storm and angry lashings of waves to the ships hull began to fade. A glimmer of light briefly shimmered through the windows around him giving the prince reason to once again rouse from the floor. 

“Kiri-” His hands, scrambling for purchase at the door, were met with no resistance now and the door swung wide. The prince stumbled and spilled onto the deck. 

Sunlight showered the ship, setting pools of gathered sea water sparkling and glittering. It was near blinding. With raised hands to shield his eyes he surveyed the damage wrought upon the ship, jaw slack with dread. 

The masts were all shattered at their base, their tree like limbs completely gone without a trace; railing that he once noted to be intricate and heavy with artistic design were little more than bursts of splinters and broken lumber. The only thing he could visibly see that survived had been the captains quarter. Not a single glass pane had shattered while he occupied the room, nor had a lantern fallen amid the chaos. Surely this was intentional. 

“Good. Yer alive.” The voice of the goddess grabbed his attention, reeling him back from his dumbstruck awe over the unreal serenity of the moment. The oceans rage had been quelled at the cost of her ship. And no Octavia or her prince in sight. 

Hien followed the sound of her weakened voice finding her just behind the thrown open door he had lurched through moments ago. Her jacket, of such deep ocean blue and decorated in the finest pearls and lost jewels, little more than shreds at her arms. White hair a frazzled mess from the howling winds of hurricane gales. Her lips, bruised and bloody, curved ever so slightly before the woman sank against the wooden wall at her back. 

The prince threw himself at her, one arm around her shoulder while the other tenderly touched at the various cuts along her cheek. 

“What? Catfish got yer tongue?” She gave an echo of a laugh. 

“Shocked.” Hien brushed his thumb over a gathering bead of blood at her jaw and arched a brow. “I thought a goddess would not bleed red like the rest of us.” If this was the worse of her injuries, perhaps he could at last fill his lungs with a breath of air. 

“Heh, only when we’re close ta’ dyin’... does it turn to gold.” Despite the splits in her lips, Kirishimi smiled at the prince and drew her hand along her side. When she pulled it away Hien choked on a gasp. Her fingertips glittered beneath the afternoon sun now that the storm clouds had vacated. The ichor that set rivulets down each length of her fingers and pooled in her palm was ethereal to say the least. Never had the prince seen such color. Gold melted down, touched with the rainbow shimmer of pearls and glittered like stardust. 

His mind went blank at the realization. All at once it felt as though the world had stopped moving, his blood ran as if ice filled his veins, the darkest waters of the abyss drowning his lungs and smothering his heart. His hands felt numb as urgency filled his muscles, tearing away at the remains of her waterlogged jacket. He raised her arm, distantly hearing her muffled groan in retaliation to the pain. 

Along the curve of her side and splattering the deck spilled more of this unusual blood. A long gash had been torn into her from the cage of her ribs down across her abdomen. Hien’s throat tightened and vision blurred. 

“Don’t’cha look at me like that, mate.” She urged, an unusual softness to her tone. “I held my part o’ the bargain, didn’t I? Yer folk are home safe and yer still kickin’.” 

Hien shook his head. It was suddenly impossible to look her in the eyes. Those beautiful sapphire and crimson eyes. “At what cost? I’ve murdered a goddess.” 

“Oh? And which one o’ these injuries of mine belong to you? Don’t see yer sword in my gut or a knife in my back.” 

“Octavia and Zenos were apart of my crew. I had damned you from the start.” 

“Speakin’ of which. They should be crashin’ against the cliffs soon. Levi gave ‘em a tsunami bath. Teach them for steppin’ foot on my boat.” Kiri attempted more laughter, tried with all her strength to stay smiling for the prince at her side, but choked on a welling of blood in her mouth. 

She coughed and he leaned closer. “Kirishimi-...” 

As he moved closer, the goddess took his hand and pressed an object into the heel of his palm. It was sticky with blood, ichor that made his mortal skin feel alight with a warm flame of a candle. Miscolored eyes looked up to his, searching his pained expression. “Call Levi for me? I want to go home...” 

The item in question was an ocarina, he had seen her use it late at night, playing haunting melodies to the stars and the moon. But it’s make was hardly alike any  he had seen before; it was carved into the shape of a fiddler crab and painted with scarlet red for its body with claws of ocean blue. 

“This summons Leviathan?” He questioned, already knowing the answer. “W-Wait, what do you mean by ‘home’? If Leviathan can take us to land, surely a doctor or a healer could see you!” 

“Just play a tune for Levi, will ya’?” Mismatched eyes began to flutter against the sunlight. 

“Kiri, wait!” 

- - - 

The young prince had seen many things in life. He had seen war destroy homes and villages over night, witnessed life at birth and at death, even met the goddess of the sea. But this? This was a marvel in of itself. 

An entire city deep beneath the waves. Not a thriving metropolis like he would have suspected if one had made mention of a lost city; but one of ruin. Statues depicting once living people had begun to crumble from the oceans currents; limbs missing here and there or faces having fallen away to sink to the sea bed below. Every so often he would catch the glimmer of light sparkling off what was once beautiful stained glass, only to be swallowed by the darkness of the ocean as they slipped by. 

What stunned him beyond belief however was the place the goddess called home. Not a castle or throne room decorated in lavish pearls and sunken jewels. But rather a library. Fully intact at that. 

The building itself was nestled into a slope of earth beneath the tides, an air pocket preserving the library as if it were an underwater cavern. Parts of walkways had long since been submerged by rising waters, but the library itself towered high; lined every which way with tomes and books galore. 

The architecture resembled that of the sunken city; built in stone with towering columns and crumbling railings. Along several walls he could see motifs etched into the stonework. Beautiful depictions of a serpentine creature, each scale embedded with sapphire or cerulean blue tiles. Everywhere he looked he saw similar artwork. Leviathan. All of it was a dedication to Leviathan himself. And at the very center of the library, just feet above the ocean water that claimed the walkways, stood a fountain lined in the same tiles and jewels as the creature had been. The statue that still functioned, pouring water from a vase dusted in gold, was the goddess herself. Or at least the prince could only surmise. 

Her face had spiderweb fractures, pieces of her cheek having fallen into the pool at her feet centuries ago. And where the goddess, currently cradled in his arms unconscious, had short hair, the statue was given hair that fell to her pedestal and into the fountain itself. 

“A mortal?” Echoed a voice from one of the many tiers of flooring that made up the library. 

Hien had to squint against the faint light that weaved throughout the railing, it looked as if fireflies were encased in the stonework itself to provide soft light. “A-Aye! The goddess is injured! Leviathan has brought her and myself here! Please, if you could offer us succor, her life could yet be saved!” 

Somewhere behind the prince, lounging in the caverns opening, Leviathan let out a gurgled hiss before resting its beaked nose against the half submerged staircase that made the libraries entrance. Hien had felt pity for the creature, only it’s head could fit. Leviathan, despite the injuries sustained, had bore them both to the bottom of the sea without qualm. Another miracle, Hien thought now, that the creature could conjure an air pocket for his riders while they descended to the depths. 

The voice overhead squeaked, a sound of books clattering to the floor soon followed. “Oh my! Quickly now! Place her in the fountain! Go!” A shuffling told Hien that the voice had departed, perhaps to reach them. 

Hien held the goddess closer, her head lulled against the crook of his neck. When she wasn’t barking orders or giving attitude, she almost seemed at peace. Though the prince knew not to be swayed by her looks alone; this was hardly sleep but death approaching. He could see it in the way her cheeks twitched as she grimaced, or the flutter of her closed eyes. 

With gathered strength he trudged forward, descending a small set of stairs where water soon swelled up to his knees. The stonework had begun to crumble here and there beneath him, he could scarcely make out the dark blotches just beneath the murky water. He picked his way through carefully, first feeling with the tip of his foot for purchase before moving forward. The water still rose, up to his waist before another small set of stairs appeared, leading up to the fountain. 

The fountain was larger than he would have guessed from his earlier position. Several goddess’ could have been laid beneath the glittering water with ease. Even the statue loomed over him, taller and far more detailed than he had given credit for. Each fold in her dress was clear as day, he swore he could even see the stitching in the stone. 

But the time to admire such craftsmen ship was gone. Hien shook his head, sitting himself down on the lip of the fountain. His eyes trailed to the goddess in his arms, absently sparring a moment to brush aside misty white hair from her cheek. Carefully he leaned over and lowered her into the water. 

Golden ichor spread throughout the fountains pooled water, shimmering and swirling like galaxies beneath the ripples. Her form sunk against the tiles, the pool swallowing her entirely. 

Hien watched impatiently as her blood bled into the fountains water. Had he been expecting a miracle? Magic to suddenly encase her and instantly heal her? 

“It’ll take some time, lad.” A voice once more called to him. Wadding in knee deep water, along one of the other pathways that lead further into the library, stood what Hien could only comprehend as a standing tortoise. A creature that looked human in the way he stood, two legs and two arms, but had a shell adorning his back encrusted in gold and jewels. Even his head seemed more turtle aspect than man. The creature ran a hand through a length of beard at his chin before chuckling. “Never seen a Kojin before? C’mon, let’s leave her alone to recover. You can regale me with how this all happened, eh?” 

Hien found himself shaking his head, too dumbstruck to register what the man had said at all. Was this tortoise truly speaking to him? Had he gone mad while traveling the ocean? The more he considered the thought, the more it made sense. Libraries do not just sink to the ocean floor. They do not make homes for a goddess. And what, he is supposed to believe she enjoys reading? Or Leviathan for that matter, who had snarled and hissed at him upon their first meeting, now a snoozing kitten at the entrance of this grand forgotten place. 

“I’ve lost my mind.” Hien wheezed, holding his head in his hands. “Ocean madness truly exists.” 

“You’re only mad if you insist on staying in wet garb all day, lad. You’ll catch a cold.” Snorted the Kojin as he began his retreat, climbing a staircase out of the water. “I’ll put on tea if you change your mind.” 

Loathe as he was to admit, this cavernous library was hardly warm. He had felt himself shaking with chill as they arrived, though in part it was worry that shook him. Fear that the goddess would die cradled in his arms. If she had passed, who then would he tell stories to late into the night? Of fabled cities that dotted the landscape just out of her reach? She seemed to love his storytelling... Maybe she did invest time into reading? 

Hien rose suddenly, curiosity filling his chest. This was home to the goddess herself. What other strange and interesting things did she keep secreted away down here? The prince, with new urgency, stood up to follow after the kojin. He spared only one glance back at the sleeping goddess and gasped. 

The fountain had filled itself with a rainbow of waterlilies.