#it physically pains me to put ivan as something i have said

[two-braincells-in-total]

See me characters as thing informatics students/teachers have said part 3

Emma: what if someone sees your supermarket bag? They'll know we snuck out!

Ivan: I'll say I brought it with me from home!

Zade: That's the most slavic thing I've ever heard

[usmsgutterson]

The Fire That Burns Within- N.L x fem! reader Chapter Five

Masterlist

Okay! here’s the fifth chapter! There might be two updates a day starting Monday because the goal is to have this fic out by the end of June (I have a few things up my sleeve for next month because it’s pride month and I want to celebrate my queerness because it’s not something I’m very vocal about but this June I have decided I will scream from the rooftops about it) 

Fic type- this one is hurt,, not quite angst but still very painful

Warnings- mentions of death, mentions of physical violence (punching someone in the face is mentioned once)

You’d woken up after only forty-five minutes spent asleep. Part of you wanted to wander the halls again, but you did not want to see a certain blond prince with a too-handsome smirk and a very sharp tone when he spoke with malicious intent. 

Still, you needed to leave your room. As you sat up and reached for your flint, you realized that to stay in your room for too much longer was to suffocate. You liked your quarters in the Spinning Wheel well enough, but sometimes, it was truly impossible to breathe while trapped within those walls. 

So, you straightened out your roughspun tunic. You tucked your flint into the pocket of your trousers and pulled your combat boots back on. You objected not to wear your kefta and put your hands into your pockets as you left your room behind.

You wandered until you had found a balcony, felt the cool of the wind against your cheeks. You thought back to Nikolai’s remark, felt yourself yearning for death all over again. 

You speak like him. The Darkling. 

Considering your hatred for Nikolai, for his bloodline, you supposed it was the truth that he could’ve said worse in retaliation to your expressions of dislike. He very well could’ve had you tried for speaking against him and put you to the prison cells. 

Nikolai could’ve pointed out that you had once been so loyal to the Darkling that your kefta had been embroidered in black. 

There were a thousand different things he could’ve done to retaliate against you, each one crueler than the last, and somehow, the remark he’d made had hurt worse than any one of those things might’ve. 

“He is an idiot of the highest degree,” you jumped at the sound of Zoyas voice, having turned your back to the exit and not focused on anything but the delicate sound of snow falling against the stone. “The Lantsov prince. I overheard him talking to Mal, trying to figure out how to apologize for what might be the lowest blow in verbal history. He repeated his words verbatim, even. Genya heard it, and the only reason she stayed behind was so that she could try to convince Alina to punch him again.” 

“He was right.”

“He was not,” Zoya said. “You talk nothing like the Darkling. Nikolai should be so lucky to be in your company, and had he asked me for advice I would’ve told him he needed to take a knee and grovel.” 

You shook your head. “You don’t--I was one of his most trusted, Zoya. I saw all of the horrors firsthand and thought nothing of them until I watched him expand the Fold rather than shrink it. I’ve watched countless people die, and before Alina Starkov dared to resist the Darkling and his charms, thought it was par for the course. I thought that every death he caused was necessary, did not know that the Darkling was a man to whom my trust should never have been given until I watched him almost kill the girl everyone thinks is to be our salvation.” 

“You were charmed,” Zoya said, shrugging easily. “You liked the idea of power. Of respect. We all did, Y/N. Fedyor carried the black embroidery. Ivan did. I did at one point. Genya did during her time on the boat with you while the Darkling held Alina captive and in the days leading up to the expansion of the Fold. Alina did during her first stint at the palace--she wore a fully black kefta, if you don’t recall? Everyone liked his power, everyone fell for his charms, until we saw the error in his ways.”

“Nikolai--”

“Was behaving like an idiot,” Zoya cut. “He said something really, incredibly stupid, and if he does less than grovel, beg for your forgiveness--especially considering that he has to know the weight his comment ungraciously dropped upon your shoulders--and I find out that he has done less, I will summon a wind so strong that it pushes him into a wall and leaves an indent of his body when all is said and done.” 

You sighed. You did not want to think of the Darkling or of a future king any longer. You wanted to eat dinner, drink tea if any were available, and sleep to your hearts content. 

You let Zoya lead you back inside, headed to the dining hall and avoided Nikolai with no intent to see him for the remainder of the day. 

-

“I believe it is the truth that I owe you an apology,” Nikolai said. “I am sorry for my words, Y/N.” 

A couple of hours had gone past. Night had fallen, and you had fallen into your rhythm of moving about the endless corridors, finding solace in the low burning torches and the sound of your footfalls against the stone that made up the floor. 

“I don’t need your apologies, Nikolai,” you said. “You were right. I talk like him. I concede. Are you content in knowing that?” 

“I never meant harm.”

“If you did not mean harm, you would not have spoken,” you said. “You said that to hurt me, and I know that I deserve it given how I’ve treated you, but fuck that was a hit. You hit a part of me that I did not know still existed.” 

“I know that I did,” Nikolai said with a nod. “I did mean to, and I lied when I said I didn’t mean harm because I did, and I acknowledge that. I regret having said what I did, though, and I wanted to make sure you knew that I feel sorry about it.” 

You did not know whether or not you wanted to forgive him, but the words fell from your lips before you could stop and think. “Thank you for your apology. I accept it for now, but I would very much like to be allowed to return to my quarters without interruption.”

You turned to look at him, caught his nod. 

“I will allow you to do that, then,” he said. 

You did not respond. You only returned to your quarters, closed your eyes, and tried to get some rest. 

[wanderlustinwonderland18]

Sasha Stepanova On Injury: “Vanya Had To Take Me In His Arms, Carry Me Off The Ice To The Locker Room, And Help Me Remove My Skates”

Alexandra Stepanova and Ivan Bukin repeated last year's success in St. Petersburg, winning the Russian Championship for the second time in a row. Contrary to the established tradition, we decided to talk with the pair separately, giving each skater the opportunity to speak.

With the free dance at Russian Nationals, you gave the audience indescribable delight. How did you feel?

Sasha: The audience gave us incredible emotions. It’s been a while since we heard this applause. We looked at the faces of our coaches, Irina Zhuk even burst into tears. It was the audience who showed us that we won.

Why did you start the season so late?

Sasha: Just before the season started, my back injury worsened severely. Even small movements caused so much pain, it became impossible to endure. Vanya had to take me in his arms, carry me off the ice to the locker room, and help me remove my skates.

Three years ago, you already experienced this problem?

Sasha: Yes, I had to visit the same doctor in Germany. We tried to cure my back in Moscow, many therapies but to no avail.

It turns out that the German doctor fixed the problem?

Sasha: Yes. Fortunately, one injection given there is enough to help me for the whole season. The doctor injects a special fluid into the spine, which is distributed between the squeezed joints. When we went to this clinic for the first time, I didn’t believe in anything. I went through so much physical therapy and many other procedures but nothing helped. The German doctor laid me down on the couch and calmly said: "If this is what I think it is, everything will go away in half an hour."

I can imagine your reaction.

Sasha: I could not believe it at all. After two hours, when I was already sitting at the airport and waiting for my flight back to Moscow, I suddenly felt very strange sensations in my back... As if the bones began to separate and the spine moved more freely. I was honestly stunned.

So you and Vanya missed the test skates in September for this reason?

Sasha: I was very ill the day before. Bronchitis, pneumonia, then complications began. When training intensified after I supposedly recovered, I started to get sick. I could withstand the workout during the day but by the evening, my throat would hurt and the next morning, my temperature would rise.

How hard was the Grand Prix debut for you and Vanya?

Sasha: We were forced to miss both the test skates and Finlandia so before the trip to Turin, we had a very strong desire to show our programs. The very fact that we were able to prepare for that competition and put together the programs is a miracle.

Did the Italian Grand Prix leave you with the feeling that you didn’t skate with the usual speed?

Sasha: Due to the fact that I was sick for a long time, my muscles were sleeping. When I went out on the ice for the first time, Vanya said to me: "Sasha, you have no legs at all." I myself felt like there were no working muscles left on my legs. Yes, we were able to dance with character but I felt powerless.

At the Grand Prix in Grenoble, something seemed different.

Sasha: Yes. The scores for that competition were unexpectedly low for us. Perhaps that is why the free dance turned out to be emotional. We skated better, but it was very difficult not to worry about how we will be evaluated.

How do you stay motivated in such cases?

Sasha: To be honest, with age, it becomes harder in this regard. I constantly ask myself what is missing and why.

That is why you decided to work with new specialists?

Sasha: Yes. For the 15 years I’ve been skating with Vanya, we’ve only been coached by Irina Zhuk and Alexander Svinin. They have done a truly remarkable job this season, like our entire team of different specialists... But, since this is an Olympic season, we must use every opportunity to achieve fast progress. Therefore, after the competition in Grenoble, we decided to work with Nikolai Morozov and Alexei Gorshkov.

How close is the character of Juliet to you?

Sasha: From the very beginning, I saw deeper feelings in this plot. Romeo and Juliet is not just about falling in love, but an understanding of what one is willing to sacrifice for the sake of love. This program is much deeper than our previous skates. There is a wide range of emotions that must be conveyed in four minutes.

Vanya, Sasha admitted that in the beginning of the season, it was very difficult for you as a partner.

Vanya: Yes. We began to create parts of the programs, even when Sasha was taking antibiotics so when training intensified, we already knew what we needed to work on. Only the first three training sessions were really difficult. Thank God, we managed to cope.

Does it bother you that you have to tell journalists about injuries and illnesses in great detail?

Vanya: Not at all. We withdrew from competition and test skates so we are obliged to explain the reason. We are public figures after all, we have fans and judges. You have to tell the truth if you want people to treat you with respect. Yes, there were difficulties but we managed, it’s in the past and we’re not returning to it.

Why did you choose the well-known theme of Romeo and Juliet for your free dance?

Vanya: The story reflects myself and Sasha to a certain extent. We wanted to present a fresh interpretation of Romeo and Juliet.

Have you ever thought that Romeo and Juliet is very unrealistic? It draws a certain ideal of love, which many believe does not exist in real life. Young people often take this story as a model and are very disappointed when it does not work out.

Vanya: Even if this is a fictional story, it is wonderful that two people can make such sacrifices for each other. I don’t know how I would have acted in a situation of forbidden love. After all, at the age of 15 or 16, there are situations where something becomes the center of life and everything fades into the background. This happened to me. In this regard, Romeo and Juliet is not such an unreal story. Although, I would change the ending.

[cheekygreenty]

His Queen - The Darkling x Reader

bitch, I think I outdid myself on this one. I'm shocked I wrote this

He hated the Tsar. He hated himself, but he didn't hate you. How could he of let this happen, he's never been a slave to his emotions. You were married, no, scratch that, you were the Queen for Saint's Sake. The Tsar had made it common knowledge that you didn't belong anywhere but the Grand Palace, in a glittering gown and a jeweled crown upon your always perfect hair sitting in front of a fire sipping on your tea. He wanted you nowhere near the action or actual Palace life. You were merely an accessory to him.

The young and innocent girl raised in nobility, who caught the old bastard's eye by fluttering your eyelashes at him, longing for his person.

Bullshit.

Aleksander could see your repulsion whenever you were in your husband's presence. The longing eyes as you looked at the doors, the shiver that rattled your spine as his sweaty hand gripped yours, or the increasing sadness in your eyes as the months went on. The jewels around your neck glistened, but your eyes didn't. Not anymore.

He had done some digging in the months following the wedding, and rest assured you didn't belong anywhere near the palace. You were scrappy, ready for a fight at all times. There were numerous accounts of you running around villages, fighting your way through pubs and inns. Your parents, the Duke and Duchess, were downright ashamed of you before your big day. You were itching to drop everything and join the First Army the second you had the chance. You were skilled in ways no noble was; you had street smarts.

Then the late Queen died and you were presented on a silver platter to the King, donning all the family jewels that never sit quite right. The King couldn't help himself, the public blamed the grief for his hasty marriage, 'he needed a companion.' But in reality, he saw what he could have and grasped you up the second he had the chance. And now you were stuck here, in a cage with no way out.

Aleksander didn't take a liking to you at the start. All he saw was what the King wanted him to see and for that, he feels tremendous guilt. He thought you to be proper and uptight and spoiled, so when you approached him the first time, franticly asking for advice about a simple state matter that was dropped into your lap by the General himself, he couldn't help but snigger at you and convey news of the stupid Queen to his fellow Grisha.

He didn't know the King treated you like a child or that all of this was new to you. I should've seen it he cursed himself, for the weeks to follow you were the talk of both the Palaces and news spread to camps on the front.

The stupid, young, ditsy girl who couldn't put together a luncheon for Ravka's war heroes was the Queen. Ridiculous.

He believed it too until he had seen you out one night when he couldn't sleep. You were deep in the forest, tending to your black stallion and in what looked like peasant clothing. You had mud on your boots and your hair was messily braided. There was a tatted punching bad tied up on a tree and another person sitting against a log, breathing heavily and clutching his side. Aleksander never made himself known, just blended into the darkness as he did best but continued to watch you eagerly. Only then did he faintly make out your bruised knuckles and the tears in your breeches.

'Again?'

'Saints Y/N no, I've got a way to go and the way you just bruised my ribs, I've a painful journey ahead of me' mused the sitting man.

That night, Aleksander sent out his best Grisha to collect information and asked Genya to tend to you, but you denied yet again (only after asking her to fix up your hands).

Ever since then, Aleksander has been observing you and getting to know you when he could, telling his Grisha it was to gather information since Genya was no longer garnering the Queen's secrets, but he felt drawn to you for whatever reason. You were the best part of his day; whether it was a simple smile sent his way or you rambling about the ways you avoid being followed around the palace, he listened intently and set the shared memories into his brain.

The General was a mystery to you. With his extremely handsome face and confident stances, he mesmerized you to the point of a blank mind. Whenever your eyes met his, it could be in a room of 60 people, rest assured you were right by his side in an instant. You had sought out his presence wherever you went and clung to it while you could.

But the King had made his opinion of the Darkling obvious, and his hatred ran deep. 'He likes to think he rides a horse above everyone else.' 'He's most unnatural.' You didn't care though. As long as he kept himself away from you and just used his words and not actions, you were fine.

You had gathered a particular kindness for late evening walks before bed, silently slipping onto the grounds of his palace, awaiting his companionship. It might have only been 40 minutes out of your day, but it was always better than not seeing him.

Ivan had pointed out that you had an air of hostility around you every time you were in a room with your husband and your heart tended to beat dangerously fast as if you were panicking. So Aleksander attempted to pull you away from him and distract you from the horrid man, and it seemed to work. He grew to like you and would miss your witty humor when he went back to the Little Palace.

Months had passed and he never grew sick of your presence, ironically he craved more of it. He tried to tell himself that you were just a part of his plan, nothing more, but things got even more complicated. He had accidentally mentioned seeing you that night in the forest, and instead of being hostile about it, you told him you enjoyed a fight or two and invited him to join you. That night, after multiple rounds of sparring and hard hits, he kissed you fervently. And again and again, until you both got past the point of going back.

You acknowledged the risk only after it happened and started to panic. You had an affair with the General of the Second Army. He seemed to be in the same state as you. But before you went your separate ways, he held you in his arms and promised it would all be ok. You believed him.

He got back to his chambers that night and his demeanor changed behind the closed doors. He was so mad. He always swore to take what the King loved most and destroy it before his very eyes, but this was a sick joke the Saints played on him. He needed to protect you, get you out of the Tsar's grip, and hide you away from any harm. There was nothing he wouldn't do to keep you out of danger's way and he knew it. Why did he let this happen? He knew that whatever your ending may be, you would get hurt, maybe not physically, but definitely emotionally.

You had told him of all the things the King did to you, how he treated you and paraded you around. You begged Aleksander to do something about it, to help you get out of that life and back to your old one, but there was nothing he could do and it broke his heart.

'I wish I could do something Y/N, I truly do, but I am not as powerful as you may think I am. The King is still the King' he had told you, guilt building in him.

He was sitting at his desk in his chambers now, looking out the window feeling fidgety. You were late for your evening walk, like really late. Sure it happened before, but Aleksander had a weird gut feeling that something happened. Maybe the King found out? or maybe you finally realized the magnitude of the situation and came to your senses?

He knew if the King whiffed out a sliver of what was going on with his wife and Aleksander, he would rain hellfire. He was a powerful man, the most powerful man in all of Ravka and there was nothing more dangerous than an embarrassed man's actions.

His thoughts were interrupted by a loud noise he hadn't heard in a very long time, followed by the very loud thuds of falling books. The tunnel?

'ALEKSANDER?' your panicked voice reached him and triggered something primal in him. fight or flight. He and his shadows shot up and ran to you but stopped dead in his tracks, the black matter disappearing in on itself. You stood at the entrance to the tunnel, visibly shaking with anger, but that's wasn't the cause of his shock.

'Saints Y/N' He whispered, realization flooding over him like a nasty wave of ice-cold water. Your once ivory white nightgown was drenched in crimson but you were uninjured, it wasn't yours. The huge green Lanstov emerald sitting atop your left hand was smeared in red too, giving it a brown tinge.

'I need to get out of here right now.' You sounded solid and stern, the panic was long gone. The scrappy fighter was back.

Aleksander had always known what to say. But now, he didn't have a single word come to his mind and his body refused to move, he was rendered speechless and useless. This is a nightmare, surely, he prayed.

'Y/N I-I, What happ-'

'Aleksander, unless you want to see my head on a pike by dawn, I suggest you help me' You said as you moved across the room, after closing the tunnel door firmly shut. How does she even know about these tunnels?

'I once heard a drunkard speak of tunnels beneath the palaces, I tried my luck' You said answering his question without even being asked,

Your hands moved quick, shedding yourself of the nightgown and holding it in your hands as you moved to grab his black robe off a chair. Aleksander still stood there, his head whirling with so many thoughts, it debilitated him. He needed her to say it.

'Y/N did you do what I think you did'

'You know I did'

At that moment the doors burst open to reveal Ivan with an alarmed look on his face and his hands raised, ready to jump into action, most likely alerted by the falling books. But he faltered when he saw you, The Queen, covered in blood and holding a bloody nightgown in the most secure room of the Little Palace.

'Great another witness' You huffed and dumped the gown into the fireplace.

'Moi soverenyi, what is the meaning of this?'

'Ivan I wish I could tell you.'

'I killed the King. I have approximately 3 hours before somebody notices him laying in his own blood with his neck slit open' You sighed and sat down, head in your hands. This was the first moment you'd had to process it all, and it was overwhelming, to say the least.

A silence enveloped the room as the fire roared back to life, already having burnt the evidence to a crisp. Aleksander finally came to his senses, moved and grabbed a bowl of water and a cloth.

'Did anybody see you leave?' He asked as he handed you the items to wash your hands of the sticky blood.

'No. I made sure of it. I traveled through the tunnels.'

'And the King? There is no weapon near him?' Ivan interrupted.

Slowly you bent down and pulled a small dagger out of your shoe. Small but sharp.

'Give that to me' Aleksander took it out of your hands and walked out of the room while you continued to scrub the crimson off your hands.

You momentarily looked at Ivan, he didn't look mad or upset. He looked like a soldier.

'Are you not mad your King is dead?' You mused.

'He was not my King'

'That makes two of us' You were done cleaning your hands and moved to clean the ring. Should I burn this too?

'Leave it on. If things go sideways, you can buy your freedom' Aleksander returned. 'Ivan go get 2 horses and pack essentials. Get Genya too. I trust you to keep quiet.'

'Yes Moi soverenyi, Moya tsaritsa' He bowed his head quickly and waltzed out the room.

'Aleksander I'm scared now.....what have I done' You whispered. He took hold of your hand and pulled you into him. He held you tight, not wanting to let go.

'It's going to be ok. I promise. There's a small cottage down south I want you to go to. Ivan will take you. You will be safe. I will right this. I will protect you as I should've done earlier.' He kissed you deeply, letting all of the emotions flow through without the need for words.

'And what then?' You whispered against his lips.

'You be you. Perhaps go to Ketterdam. I feel you belong there... or come back to me when the time is right' He kissed you again, it was sweet and sad. A goodbye kiss. 'I love you, and even though you don't like it, you are my Queen. Forever'

'I love you too' Your hands fisted at his beautiful black kefta as tears dripped off your face.

****

That night you fled, your hair and appearance completely changed. The peasant clothes you felt comfortable in were on your back while the heartrenderer galloped beside you. Os Alta was still asleep as you sped down south, praying to the Saints that leaving Aleksander to deal with your mess was the right decision. That he would be ok too.

Ravka was shaken by the news of their dead King and the missing Queen. Some say she was dead, kidnapped by Fjerdans, and slaughtered mercilessly, others said Kerch merchants had her thrown in the Fold as she refused to give up information.

Either way, Aleksander had made sure you weren't regarded as a murderer and kept his promise to give you a chance to return to the Little Palace, to him.

Also if u can see this fic plz interact with it!! Idk if my tumblr is fixed yet and I need to make sure!!! If u were tagged and it didn’t notify you like last time, plz tell me!!!! 💓💓

Taglist (tell me if u want to be added)

@theonelittleone @searching-for-gallifrey @lostysworld @0-artemis @exo-1204 @staradorned @bookfrog242 @simp-for-ben-barners @keepdaydreamingbb @acciorudolphx

[transsexualhamlet]

don't apologize, this was exactly what I was going for! you wouldn't know how enjoyable getting those hyperfixation essays out of you is. I love them a great deal. all of them. you're one of those people who are unmatched at analysis.

now back to questions: what's your take on Ivan? I saw he was one of the possible test results, but since I didn't get him, I'm questioning you personally now

(I cannot get Lent out of my head now thanks to you...)

HEE HEE :))

Here, I'll screenshot Ivan's answer.

I have lots of thoughts on Ivan tbh, although they're complicated.

I know Asagiri never meant for him to be an important character or to ever really expand upon him but i am never going to get over the fact that Asagiri really just went "oh yeah by the way guys here's this absolutely nutzo crazy dude claiming that Fyodor fucking lobotomized him. He gets defeated really easily though so no worries."

LIKE? HI?

Most people just take that at face value and go "oh yeah whatever, it's a villain minion, all villains have minions, he's weird and evil and pathetic ok moving on" but like. Can we hold on a minute????

If I remember correctly, Ivan said that Fyodor took out the part of his brain that feels sadness and pain, which from my very limited knowledge of the brain is just objectively not a thing that works. That's just not. A thing you can do. Cause yeah you could stop the part that recognizes pain signals, but that doesn't make anyone any less sad, it just makes them not feel physical pain.

And he wasn't like, literally lobotomized, because if that were so he would not be. Yaknow. Dancing around as he is. And he has bandages around his entire head, which would not be the case since lobotomies don't require you to cut open ur damn skull.

Well you know, it pretty much follows that whatever he's claiming Fyodor did to him is. Objectively not the case, because it's nonsensical, and Literally Why would Fyodor fucking lobotomize a guy that's so. What. What is the point of that

So I mean, I have two theories, one of them funny and one of them not

Either Ivan is just high as fuck all the time and thinks it would be funny to wrap bandages around his head and larp as a lobotomy victim and then Fyodor comes back like "Kolya came crying to me saying I lobotomized you what lies are you putting in his head" and Ivan being like heehee haha hoohoo

OR that Fyodor is definitely messing with his head, but in a normal manipulatory and ability-assisted way not a literal i am squishing your grey matter way. They definitely have a fucked up awful relationship, and I think I consider Ivan to be the narrative opposite of Nikolai, though they are genuinely similar.

So in that case Ivan would also still be on so many drugs all the time because look me in the eye and tell me that man isn't zooted out of his fucking mind

But in my opinion, the case of how something like this came to be with Fyodor was a situation similar to Shibusawa. Fyodor is someone who provides the worst sort of comfort to people.

Shibusawa liked Fyodor because Fyodor offered him concrete answers to the useless mess of confusion his life was, he provided easy comfort and a way to exist that satisfied the Hole in his Heart TM.

And I think Ivan probably had the same kind of problem- he was utterly lost in the world with no clue how to function probably scared of anything and everything and with no one to rely on and a terrible opinion of himself. The second he met Fyodor he was probably overjoyed even knowing Fyodor was this actual criminal mastermind who would probably manipulate and control him, use him and throw him away because it made him feel needed. He was seeking an escape from sanity to throw himself into something awful on purpose, and that seems to be Fyodor's specialty.

So Ivan probably jumped at the chance to get in on it, because Fyodor sympathized with his suffering and was the only one to give him a genuine solution. "Oh, so you need direction and relief? You need to be of use to people? If you truly see no use in your sanity, I could take it off your hands. You could join my terrorist organization and I'll lobotomize you! You can give up your free will altogether, because these things hurt for you to wield, and I'll take care of you, you'll be very helpful to me, god in the real, and I thank you very much" And Ivan cries tears of joy

Of course, Fyodor doesn't literally lobotomize him, but Ivan doesn't have to know that! I feel there must have genuinely been some ability intervention that did fuck him up farther than just being high though, Fyodor wants to make sure Ivan wouldn't ever betray them (or anyone else, that's yknow, why it's so easy for him to snatch up mentally ill people from the streets and make them worship him)

The case is Fyodor does genuinely care about Nikolai and Ivan very much so he does but his "caring" is I Am Going To Control You Completely And Play God Because I Don't Know How Else To Help

So no, I don't think his brain was genuinely messed with because that just doesn't seem like a Fyodor thing further than in a metaphorical sense. But Ivan is for all intents and purposes utterly under the control of Fyodor and also totally fine with that. As in it's a combination of he wants it bc he's very mentally ill and also it's a bdsm thing hiehrjgidfkslfljgujk

I have a fic about him trying to explain this whole Situation that I've been planning to write Forever because I really do care for Ivan a lot and I think there's a lot I could write with him that would explore not only him but Fyodor and Nikolai and their view of the world but I keep getting sidetracked

[hetalia-has-a-secretary]

Axis and Allies when they run in to their s/o who just dipped out one day 7 years ago with no warning or explanation, except she’s a mom now! And hey that kid looks... uh... kinda familiar... and they’re how old now?

(Basically Axis and Allies find their ex and meet their child who is a dead ringer for their country parent)

Mmmm angst *slurps the spilled angst off the floor*

Ffff- I need to come up with reasons as to why their S/O do this~ (• J •;)

Oh and C/N means Child's Name.

Allies and Axis see their S/O with their kid of 7 years.

Allies:

America:

His S/O ran into him on their way home, and the store they were in had something extremely specific they couldn't find anywhere.

So they took their chances, not really expecting to see America again.

But they did, and it was a long pause in silence.

S/O could physically how hurt he was, but the sight of a child, even if it was obviously his, made him turn around to walk off.

His S/O didn't know what to expect, but him walking away was not one of them. They picked their kid up and went after him.

"Alfie- He's yours..."

He stopped in his tracks, eyes already red, but scrunched in confused anger.

"Why didn't you tell me? After all this time... Why?"

His S/O walked closer to him, not wanting to stir up unwanted attention.

They explained that they were scared their lives wouldn't work out. They were worried he'd be so busy traveling and enjoying life, a new family would weigh him down.

Giving another hard swallow he went to walk away, only for the kid to be eyeing him from his S/O's shoulder.

Neither of them meant to act like this in front of the kid, but none the less America found a way to console them, promising to do what it takes to show how much he cared. About both them, and their child.

Even if it took a few akward phone calls.

England:

His heart shattered. Standing right across the road was his S/O.

And in a spur of the moment he ran across beeping traffic, and stopped barely 10 steps away as he notices the kid.

Part of him hated the fact they ran off, and was happy they crossed paths again. The other part of him wondered if running across a busy road was worth it.

He looked at his S/O, then at the kid, silently asking if it was really his.

A quick nod from his S/O and he immediately knelt down to talk to the kid, making his S/O tear up.

"Hey kiddo. I'm... You must be S/O kid right? I'm an old friend of theirs... My name's Arthur..."

The kid looked up at S/O for approval to interact with this 'stranger', to which they agreed.

"Hi... I'm C/N... How are you?"

England had to fight back tears at this point.

"I'm doing good... Very good. It seems S/I taught you well, you're very polite..."

The kid nodded, saying thank you.

Only later did he find out that his S/O left, thinking he wouldn't want a kid, and it was going to ruin the relationship.

From them on he did everything he could to make up all the lost time, silently worrying over why they'd think he'd wouldn't want a family with them.

France:

He was brutality heartbroken the day they left. Like, this is a HUGE no, no to do to him.

At first he thought they were missing, but when it finally became clear they just left him, he got really cold.

Right up to the point of seeing them in public, on the streets.

Eyes locked, and his S/O expected him to be romantic about, fully preparing to reconnect.

Not what happened. He walked up to them, a crunched up face, obviously smitten with them.

"Why are you showing your face around my home?"

Pain on both sides of the party. His S/I wouldn't be able to get a word in as he assaulted them with questions and accusations as to if they even loved him.

Only when the sound of a small kid calling out for S/O did France freeze.

He was shocked, and looked at his S/O wise eyed.

His S/O gave a vague explanation.

"I'm sorry... But I wanted to raise them outside of a busy city. I told you were I was going to be, didn't you get my letter?"

He shook his head no. Watching his S/O silently cry in front of them.

And in one forgiving swoop he held them close, tears falling from his own eyes as he gave apologies.

After he was done with his S/O, his child was next, he spun them around, immediately repeating the fact he was their father, making the child giggle as well.

China:

Even though he felt close to his S/O he got over it quickly, also being use to people leaving him for whatever reason.

He never expects relationships to last.

But seeing a familiar face, I should say familiar faces, standing at his door made his heart pond, and ache all at once.

He wanted so badly to hold them, but he needed answers.

S/O ride broke down near by, and they needed a place to stay. This was the only place they could think of.

Once the kid was put to sleep, both adults doing an amazing job of keeping their cool, things started to unravel.

He asked about the kid, and why they left. Being told his S/O was simply a bit overwhelmed finding out they were pregnant, so they decided to leave made him almost laugh.

To him it was a ridiculous reason to leave, so he was the one to ask them to stay.

Russia:

He did not do well when he realized his S/O wasn't coming back anytime soon.

He felt their relationship was at its peak, only for them to disappear? Yeah, not going to happen.

His S/O might think they were better off but Ivan, had other plans. He wanted to know why. Was there someone else involved, more specifically.

He hired people to watch them, and when he learned there was a kid involved it angered him. He had to fight every nerve to not go find his S/O himself.

Only when he saw the kids eyes, a brilliant purple, did it click for him.

The reason why they left didn't matter, and he gave them time to change there mind.

When those 7 years past (if even) he went straight to where they were, demanding answers.

His S/O had to explain they were scared having a child around could complicate things. Especially when Ivan himself was trying to change as a person.

That news turned his anger into hurt. He wanted nothing more than to be family with his S/O, and having a kid as well? He already made vows to change, so he became a little more self aware after this event.

He went great lengths to learn about parenting, to the amusement of his S/O.

Though he won't admit it, he is kind of bummed out over the fact he was never able to hold his own kid as a baby.

Axis:

Germany:

Heartbroken wasn't the word to use.

He got a bit more, pig headed for a month or so, but got over it. Assuming it just wasn't meant to be.

However, after seeing a child that looked like a splitting image of him hanging on his S/O's hips said it all.

He literally walked up and straight up asked if the pregnancy was the reason they left.

His S/O sheepishly agreeing.

He gave a sigh, asking them if they'd still be interested in being together.

From there the next few months were spent patching up their relationship.

Japan:

He had to be convinced several times, to leave his room.

Eventually he moved on, but still missed them

So the look on his face when he finds them at an old restaurant they use to meet at, was quite the look.

He cursed himself for the sensation of meeting for the first time.

It was like his body moved on it's own. Up until he spots the kid. Then he tried to backpedal.

Not Because he wasn't happy about being a father (possibly), but he wasn't ready for the news.

He only got so far before his S/O called out his human name. To which he froze and turned around with a bright red face. Obviously understanding the situation.

Surprisingly enough the three of them seemed to connect and get along like it wasn't a super akward moment.

He almost all forgot to ask about why, but saved that question when C/N wasn't around.

He was glad to hear it was just because they were scared. Now he's more than happy to try again, and actually kind of excited to teach this small being about anime... And life things but mostly anime.

Italy:

He's the kind of guy to never get over it.

Even though he's fine on the outside, literally everything I'm his home reminded him of S/O

The amount of whiplash he experienced when finding them in his home town made his skin crawl

To him, it was like seeing a ghost, and it was honestly a bit much. Especially with the tiny clone of him.

Naturally he fainted on the spot.

Later on, in the hands of a medical staff, he and his S/O had a long conversation about the why's, and how's.

His heart still sunk hearing the reason they ran away, was because they didn't want to take away his freedom.

Thing is, his S/O was his freedom. So he listed all the reasons why. Freedom to be him, freedom to admit his fears when others would laugh at him.

They were his source of strength, and safety net. So yeah, he wanted them back. Kid was an added bonus.

[amberwild420]

one step back, two steps forward (pt. 42)

masterlist

school festival part 1

Staring at the ceiling with dull eyes, Kaylan turned around and stuffed her face in the pillow and let out a whine. Nova, who was sitting on the side table, sniggered at the misfortune of her holder before floating out.

 Why do schools exist?

 Despite her reluctance, she forced herself to get up. Like hell she would let her mother throw her out of the room. She got the painful remainder once; she was not ready to go through that again.

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Tikki stared at the alarm as it rang for the eighth time. Marinette didn’t even stir when it rang and was dead to the world. Normally she wouldn’t say anything but now, she reluctantly float over her holder and took a deep breath.

 AKUMA!!!!!

 With a lightning speed, Marinette stood up on her guard before relaxing when she realized that there was nothing dangerous.

 Tikki!

 Sorry Marinette, but you need to get up or you’ll be late for school.

 Seeing that she was right, Marinette ran to get ready. Downstairs Sabine heard her daughter’s loud yell as she fell and smiled before packing the macaroons for her and her friends. She was happy that Marinette was having fun these days.

 For a moment, her smile dimmed when she remembered about the past. She should feel thankful that her daughter had new and reliable friends. She was also glad that Chloe had turned a new leaf and became a reliable friend as well.

 Good morning Maman! Good morning papa! Thanks for the macaroons! Seeyouloveyoubye!

 She kissed her parents goodbye and ran out. Sabine smiled and helped her husband to get ready to deal with the customers.

 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Chloe checked her nail before filing them again to make them look even. When she looked up, she saw how tired Kaylan and Marinette are, clearly because of insufficient rest. Although she was in the same boat, she was able to get her spa treatment.

 Alright losers, we’re having a spa day today. Don’t miss out.

 She told them bluntly before raising an eyebrow at them. Both girls looked like they would fall asleep while standing, but they did manage to nod. Passing the box of macaroons, Marinette shared it with them before talking in whispers about new information.

 While Chloe might be a bully in the past, she had all the new information before anyone else. Even now without Sabrina, she still has the same network.

 At the same time, Miss Bustier entered the class and shared news.

 Everyone, school festival will be in a month from now. I really hope you know what you want to do.

 Excited chatter filled the room making in noisy soon enough. Despite Miss Bustier’s warning, no one actually listened to her. They all wanted to do something new and exciting this year. Lila looked around before her eyes fell on the trio in the back. A thought flashed in her mind before a sick smirk made its way on her face. She suppressed a little glee in her heart and started smiling sweetly while keeping a vice grip on the blonde model.

 Adrian who winced at the python like grip quickly covered it with his model smile. Since the day his miraculous got renounced, he wasn’t able to say a word. He tried to talk to Niño, but every time he wanted to say something, his mind would blank out and his throat would clog up. There was no way he could do or say anything. And now he was regretting. 

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Just when the trio thought that they were having a peaceful day, Alya came in like a raging storm and slammed at their table. Marinette winced at the loud noise, Kaylan stared at the girl with a blank look while Chloe didn’t even bother to look up and continue to do whatever she was doing on her phone.

 When Alya saw the reaction she got, the initial anger turned two-fold.

 Just like I thought, you really have rotten soul. You are showing your true colors now! I can’t even begin to believe that I actually fell for that act before!

  And yet here you are.

 Kaylan said casually before taking out her phone. Alya, who already had a temper, was raging as the minutes passed. She slapped the phone out of Kaylan’s hand and started shouting.

  You just can’t live without bullying Lila! Why do you have to hurt her especially when she gave us a good idea for the school festival? You just want to cheat out that idea, don’t you?! You…….you deserve to be isolated, you……!

 Kaylan, who was sitting wide eyed staring at her empty hand, stood up abruptly and faced Alya with the ferocity of a beast.

 It seems like you are tired of living Cesaire. If you have a death wish, I guess I can make it come true, right now.

 Alya who wanted to scream some more, shrank at the sight of the other girl, especially now that she truly seemed angry. The vein on her forehead looked like it was popping out, while her eyes darkened with blood lust. It was like when you tease a beast in the cage and it endures before breaking out and coming at you for revenge.

 Alya took a few steps back, stumbling, but Kaylan came for blood this time. The corners of her eyes sting a little as she looked fearfully at the other girl. Anyone who wanted to intervene was pushed away with such force that even made Kim and Ivan to stumble back and fall on their butts. Lila hid behind Adrian afraid of what might come for her.

 Before she can even touch Alya she was quickly grabbed from behind and pulled back. Despite that, Kaylan dragged the person with her strength, still going for the reporter as if she would kill her today with no questions asked. Marinette, despite being ladybug was no match for Kaylan’s strength which only increased after she got a miraculous of her own, so she was dragged along.

 Another pair of arms secured the girl and pulled her away from Alya. Chloe wanted to see her tear Alya into new one but if it continued any moment longer, Alya would have been dead for real. In order to make sure, that her friend didn’t end up in the prison, she had to put an end to it (not because she wanted to save Alya.).

 Let me at her! Let me at her! How dare she act like everything should revolve around her! Does she think I’ll let her go just because I can bear?! I’ll kill her!

 Stop! Stop! Stop it Kaylan!

 Stop it Fox! She’s not worth your time!

 Even if she stopped, she didn’t stop glaring at the other girl. Marinette and Chloe didn’t lose their grip around her. They were afraid that if they did, she might pounce on the other girl and it would be very difficult to separate them then.

 You……..                      Kaylan growled before pointing at her.           You better stay away from us or you’re going to regret it!

 Just like that she turned around and looked for her fallen phone before walking out of the room. The pair didn’t stop and collected their things before running after her.

 Alya, who was in the center of all of it, suddenly fell on her knees. Remembering the murderous look at Kaylan’s face she trembled. She had never seen such a person before. If it was Chloe, it would be just verbal fight, if it was Marinette, she would ignore, endure or say few things but with Kaylan it was a whole new level.

 It could be a verbal dispute, a glaring match, ignored or revenge. This time it was almost physical. Considering how confidently and threateningly she took her steps towards her, it wasn’t wrong to say she would have beaten her up. Just the thought sent her trembling all over again.

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[la-esmerqlda]

Ivan Karamazov’s “Mental Illness”

Let’s face it, Ivan was not having a good time throughout “The Brothers Karamazov”. But while a general analysis of his mental state would be fascinating (and is, in fact, something I plan to do int he future), I pose something different; that is, if someone, let’s say Alyosha, were to take Ivan to a mental health facility during the time period the book was set in, what would he have been diagnosed with, if anything?

So first, when does the novel take place? It has to take place, at minimum, a couple of years after 1861, when serfdom was abolished in Russia. I will keep this simply and go with mid 1800s, and if I have to specify I will use the google result, 1866.

The overall understanding of mental illness around the time of the novel was rudimentary and extremely inaccurate to what we know now. Many symptoms and conditions were grouped together; as an example, those who exhibited traits of autism would usually be diagnosed with the equivalent of “childhood schizophrenia”. There were only a handful of diagnoses given at the time, mainly, melancholia, mania, dementia, and idiocy. The latter does not apply, considering Ivan is remarked upon as an intellectual. For reference, these four categories were taken from documents from an English asylum (Russia was far behind, so I am going with the assumption that Alyosha said “fuck it” and took Ivan to a place with mental institutions). Under these three main diagnoses, there were also “subtypes” that were usually used dependent on the institution. I will refer to these as well, since they do count if they were diagnosed during the time period of the book.

To start, it must be understood that the three main diagnoses correspond to three modern diagnoses; melancholia to depression, mania to, well, mania, a component of bipolar disorder, and dementia to schizophrenia.

The general understanding of mental illness in the 19th century was, well, confusing to say the least. The emerging field of psychiatry had realized that mental illness was not, in fact, the result of demonic possession, but could not agree on the actual cause. Theories ranged from social factors, to physical diseases manifesting as a mental illness, to head trauma and an abnormal amount of stress. I like to think they’d have a field day analyzing our brain fever afflicted atheist.

Melancholia, despite appearing pretty straight forward, has a lot of different definitions and applications. And while it is most similar to what is now known as “Major Depressive Disorder”, the differences are immense. The “depression of spirits”, as it was later called, corresponded with the “depression of the body”. These are your physical symptoms of depression; slower movement, overall dejected look, change in appetite and sleep patterns, more physical pain, etc. Another point of note is that around the time of the novel, many theorized that there could be a moral cause of this disease. That is, some sort of moral distress could cause an onset of melancholia. Psychiatry ended up putting melancholia on a spectrum. It was also referred to as partial insanity, after all. At the lowest of the fall, those afflicted with melancholia would experience delusion of thought, fraught with anxiety paranoia.

Another category going along with melancholia was monomania. Now, this one interests me. Monomania is the “partial insanity of the brain, but only in regards to one area”. This in of itself sounds confusing, until you realize that it is usually referring to a person’s specific delusion; thus, in modern terms, it would probably be akin to someone in psychosis who is not schizophrenic or experiencing mania. Psychosis can also be present in depression. It is characterized by preoccupation with one idea, and importantly, does not impact the intellect of those afflicted. To simplify this, here is a quote: “a psychosis characterized by thoughts confined to one idea or group of ideas.”

And there we have it, those are the two that I have concluded Ivan is most likely to be diagnosed with: melancholia and monomania.

I guess now I should probably discuss my reasoning. Since I am attempting (with another piece) to diagnose Ivan from the DSM, I will only give rudimentary information here. His belief in his own responsibility and preoccupation with his father’s murder would most likely be classified as a delusion of obsession, or an obsession with, and so considering he is also an intellectual, they would stray away from mania and dementia. Not to mention, Ivan portrays a fairly dejected mood throughout the novel. He makes multiple references to his planning to commit suicide. He exemplifies the Russian “тоска”, which is another topic for another time (it’s a Russian specific mood of melancholy, which is a huge oversimplification of things, by the way). So that would lean towards melancholia. Now, I do not know whether these disorders could or were diagnosed in tandem. Psychiatry could have placed his psychosis as resulting from melancholia, or his dejected mood at the end of the book from monomania.

[lover-of-trash-and-people]

bittersweet netflix shadow and bone finale (s1 e8) rewatch; accoutrement: white wine with ice cubes in it (no YOU'RE a mom drink shh)

my wine's like fruity I love her

light and darkness title card we love to see it

Inej looking at Alina before she goes below deck to hide <3

okay that 'what can you really do on your own' was like not fun that shit hurted

okay but Jesper's 'not enough'? <3

oh no my baby Zoya's first inkling that Darkles does not really care

omg Helnik just appeared and I remembered how much heartbreak I have to face in this episode

gods I love Danielle as Nina so so much

'this can't be it' said she with her pleading smile with downturned eyebrows MA'AM I-

don't break my dumb little heart

I might hate Calahan's little accent but they're making me tear up

oh gods I literally cannot keep a hold on myself when Dani's accent bleeds through with full force, it's like she comes more alive or smth

'I will keep you warm' SIR WHAT-

I am surprised they showed a leaning in for a kiss so soon but I'm not mad about it

her little eyebrow twitch at 'what are waffles'

when that rando said 'i hunt slavers now' a dread settled into me because I knew what was about to go down

Matthias looking somberly at the stuffed wolf's head </3

I am so incredibly entranced by this exchange between Fedyor and Nina and what it represents, it's very interesting that they pushed up their storyline to match with the timeline

damn it's kind of jarring to be back in the Fold

'REMEMBER WHO'S DRIVING'??!!!! *you better stop* meme, *i am, disgusted* meme, *oh wow, oh wow* meme

Mal you fucking idiot you could never take the crows by surprise

the music rising as Kaz starts explaining his thought process, fucking perfection

haha Mal bitchass Inej caught you

'Because if he isn't with Kirigan's crew, he's with ours' WHEN I TELL YOU I SCREAMED

'And why would we destroy the Fold? It's the greatest weapon we've got' valid point at the moment but you know I don't necessarily agree with your methods

the use of the light tunnel in the show instead of Alina just being a super flashlight in the books is quite an interesting addition as well

is this an inappropriate time to point out how pretty Ben Barnes is

okay I kind of love the depiction of the shadow powers okay sue me

'they are traitors who tried to kill you' why are you suddenly making valid points despite having kind of committed low scale genocide

'i never said I was smart' YES MAL BE THE VOICE OF HIMBOS EVERYWHERE

Kaz's face going from 'can you believe this idiot' at Mal to 'fuck me I'm gonna do the same thing aren't I' at Inej

'For who would oppose us now?' *himbo romantic rival appears out of nowhere and shoots at him* god I love this show

him standing calmly in his ridiculous all black attire after nodding at his soldier to stop the himbo in his tracks, i fucking can't

could she summon light without the Darkling making her after he put the collar on her until the uhm moment in the books? idts but in the show she can hmm

'only because I'm not in the game' you tell him Jesper

not me snickering at 'you'll be seen not as a saviour, but as a heretic' LMFAO

'Shame. I'll have to give that speech again now.' THIS SHOW IS A FUCKING COMEDY AND YOU CAN'T PROVE ME WRONG

YES LET'S FUCKING GO SULI SOLIDARITY

Darkles casually whipping the Cut out like a shuriken or a throwing knife at Jesper because he shot at him lmao I can't

INEJ FUCKING GHAFA STABBED ONE THE OLDEST AND MOST POWERFUL PEOPLE IN THAT WORLD AND THAT IS VERY TELLING OF HER POWER

that moment where you actually think that affected him despite having read the books and watched the show

and then he has to go and fucking say 'it will take more than this' and I can't be help but be a little bit impressed at this old fool's resilience

throwback to when he said 'the king is a child' sir you make some valid points sometimes and it does make it difficult to hate you

I would just like to inform everyone that it is currently 6:09 am IST and I am sipping my second mug of wine while watching netflix sab for the second time instead of doing my three papers that are due tomorrow

I'm sorry but Inej jumping to check on Zoya after she gets knocked over by the volcra? first class display of solidarity and sisterhood as well as Inej's inherent kindness

Kaz jumping in front of a FUCKING VOLCRA AND STABBING IT WITH HIS CANE to save Inej, you best believe love is true, kids

god the volcra are so ugly and gross, they did such a good job with them

they kind of remind me of these creatures (I think they might have been called Hollows or smth) from the Miss Peregrine's Home for Peculiar Children movie

STAG VISION TIME

despite my dislike for the callous nature with which the stag plotline was handled, I kind of dig the stag vision scene

'It's just me and you now, Alina. And we're all we need, anyway.' I actually feel bad for this old fool simping for this wonderful gorgeous powerful woman despite lying to her and manipulating her and exploiting her power

okay 'I never needed you' *stabs the bone fragment out of his hand* beautiful power move I fucking love you so so much

alright ben looking like ✨ that✨ not only in physical pain but also emotional pain at what the Darkling clearly considers another betrayal from this girl he wants to give the world and maybe? loves? maybe? or at least has feelings for makes my fucking heart hurt while simultaneously soar at Alina taking back control and reclaiming her power as her own and stepping into her own

'how do you claim such power' okay could have had better dialogue there writers

the fucking score lifting as she says 'you cannot claim what was not given to you' good people my heart is full

one day I'll talk about my defense of the chosen one trope because god damn I kind of love it

hmm I wonder was that brief hesitation that we saw on Alina's face due to her thinking about the 'you chose to betray our people' comment or the 'i was trying to save us' comment because that will define some of her actions in the later seasons (hopefully god if we get some, I honestly don't know what with this stupid brownface debacle)

I'm not saying talking about brownface and pointing out that it is wrong (for further context, I am actually brown) and harmful is stupid btw I'm talking about the incidents involving brownface in question

I don't wanna talk about this anymore but I might feel like I need to and end up posting about it idk

goodness Ivan actually believing in this cause makes me so sad because he too has been victimized by the system that ostracizes Grisha and he has every right to feel the way that he does

Ben actually fighting in that ridiculously heavy cloak and kefta when he's about to turn 40 this year makes me super impressed because I as a 19 year old sometimes wake up with muscle pulls after weeks of inactivity it's weird idk

also I understand that this Mal Darkling fight is completely fanservice and serves nearly no purpose to the plot in general but like I? love it?

'I don't have to kill you Darkling. Your past will do it for me' YES HIMBO GO OFF YOU TELL THAT OLD MAN GODS THAT WAS SEXY AS FUCK

maybe it's because I know Darkles will survive and will come out of it more powerful but I can't get myself to feel bad for him at the moment

Inej and Mal tearing up at Alina's condition made me almost feel something despite it being super obvious she was gonna be fine and save their asses at the last moment

HER POWER

a solitary Kaz in spotted on the western side of the newly expanded fold in his signature all black emo boy look

okay but the crows with zoya and malina is such an adorable team? I literally love them so much?

INEJ'S FUCKING SMILE AT ALINA GIVING HER THE DAGGER AND KAZ LOOKING AT HER AGSGSGSHSJSJSK MY HEART CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE

SHE KNOWS JUST WHAT TO NAME IT WELL GIRLIE I KNOW IT TOO AND MY FUCKING HEART IS LITERALLY GONNA BURST

okay I know they had one interaction but Mal and Jesper would be besties in another universe

Kaz glaring at Jesper when he answers ''course not' to Alina's 'will you still be trying to kidnap me?' tell me one fucking adaptation that got the dynamics between characters this perfectly

okay why do I love that Alina kept the jewellery as maybe a small nod to she has the wits to, um, you know, I don't wanna say steal, but, um, yeah, steal it because she knew she would need money to survive on the run

oh Jessie I love you so much I wish you hadn't said those things on you ig story about the brownface

it's like every single celeb I grow attached to god's like nope that one is going to do or say something problematic (hey btw im not reassigning blame to god for stuff people have done out of their own free will, 'twas a joke)

AAAAAAAH them saying 'the deal is the deal' in the show even though they didn't have to but like they did and I love them for it

Inej literally not being able to not stare at Kaz's face and smile after this <3

'I didn't expect it to burn at all. But it can be destroyed in the end. Just like him' babe you're not wrong but like um just you wait

god Mal being on supportive boyfie mode is well, absolutely adorable, obviously, but I wish we got to see more of him as a person outside of his attachment to Alina

kaz my little demjin I wish you hadn't have had to suffer so much to meet the crows and find your calling

fastforwarding Zoya's arc is also an interesting choice to me

I wish the hug hadn't been done though, it didn't feel earned

maybe Alina awkwardly and half-heartedly (remember, at this point the alliance is fresh and they still don't entirely trust each other) reached for a hug and Zoya avoided her? and then the rest of Zoya's lines followed? that would have made more sense to me at least

I love Sujaya as well, she brought life into Zoya with whatever little screentime and scraps of writing she got

inej asking kaz 'what's your angle?' beep bop bleep morp I sense another incoming embarrassing love confession

'but we do need you' *stares at her face intensely* 'I need you' ah look at the clock, look's like it's time to screech and flap your arms like you're a volcra because you're incapable of containing your emotions

NO YOU CAN'T GO DIRECTLY FROM KANEJ PROGRESS TO HELNIK BREAKUP (TEMPORARY, MIND YOU)

helnik my loves you don't deserve this I'm so sorry for both of you

Matthias fucking smiling ruefully while he says 'this was... just a cruel joke all along' THIS IS NOT FUCKING OKAY

omg hellgate

AAAAAAAAH NINA IS ON THE SAME FRAME AS THE OG CROWS I CAN'T HANDLE THIS

CAMERA PAN FROM KAZ SAYING 'JUST HOW THIS ALL STARTED... WE'RE GONNA NEED A HEARTRENDED' TO NINA OVERHEARING HIM AND LOOKING OVER?????!!!!!! WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING THIS TO ME?!

Nina genuinely being curious as to the status of the sun saint because she obviously still cares

Also, 'But she is a Saint' okay Kaz trying to earn brownie points you have succeeded

DID THAT SAILOR JUST SAY 'GOED MORGEN FENTOMEN' TO MALINA BECAUSE I AM NOT OKAY WITH THEM JUST THROWING THAT IN MY FACE ALL OF A SUDDEN

gods I know I'll probably see them again but my heart is full of sorrow as my eyes drink in the sight of my crows for the last time for a while

I know people were annoyed at the meadow flashbacks but guess what? as a darklina, I loved them

'now that the Darkling is dead' could have phrased that a little differently my dudes that line needed to hold more weight

am I glad that they showed Darkles in this state with his nichevo'ya as a tasty little cliffhanger despite not being entirely true to the source material? maybe but only because Ben Barnes saying 'follow' and the nichevo'ya doing exactly so sent a chill down my spine

well, that's it for now, I'll have to move on I guess, get back to my real life which I'm obviously not ready to do

thank you to whoever actually read these things

I probably should have just made reactions or commentary videos instead but I'm lazy

my tumblr will probably go into inactivity once more as I emerge from my stint in the grishaverse

it was quite short (less than 2 months), considering the length of my other obsessions but it was definitely more intense than the other ones

[canyouhearthelight]

The Miys, Ch. 107

Happy Tuesday, time for a new chapter!

Writing author’s notes three weeks in advance is hard, I am realizing.  However I am reasonably sure if I wait to write this note, I will forget, because Tuesdays are insane at work.

So, quickly: shout out to @baelpenrose​ for being my beta, as always. Also, thank you to @charlylimph-blog​ and @zommbiebro​, for the characters in this chapter.

I hope you all enjoy!!

I had to admit, as I laughed at Charly’s face when she stole a bite of my food, that Huynh - and therefore Jokul - had a point about eating in the cafeteria/mess regularly. Today, I had taken a page out of his book, and decided on my lunch based on what someone else was eating that looked good when I walked in.  No matter how the dish ended up being, the smile on the face of a random stranger when I stopped and told them their food looked good, along with asking if I could get some from the console, made my day.

Which was good, because it was the oddest fish pie I had ever eaten. In general, I neither hated nor loved fish pie - I needed to either have a request or a craving to make it, usually. However, when I originally saw it as I entered the mess, I saw flaky crust, meat, veggies, and a creamy sauce and called it a winner. I don’t think Charly was expecting seafood in general when she took a bite, and I certainly hadn’t been expecting scallops, even knowing I had gotten fish pie.

“That’s… that’s fish!” she sputtered, glaring at me in betrayal.

“It’s actually scallops,” I corrected, no less perplexed for that fact. “I was expecting mackerel and cod, or haddock. That’s what Conor always asks me to make, anyway.”

“But it’s fish,” she insisted. “I thought it would be chicken.”

“It’s not bad,” I admitted, taking another bite. “Just caught me off guard.”

Shaking her head and scowling, she got up to get her own food, returning with an actual chicken pot pie. Just as she was hooking her arm around it protectively - either protecting it from me or from my lunch, who knew - a pillar of grey and silver stalked up to the table before plopping down miserably. 

Now holding her pie over her head - to avoid being flanked? - Charly stared down, eyes wide. “Mr. Bjornson?” she asked, bewildered.

Craning my neck, I realized she had a point, although the hair was somewhat dishevelled and the robes were wrinkled beyond anything I had seen him wearing previously.  Not even Conor or I would wear clothes that creased, honestly. Hesitantly, I poked at him. “Did you just decide to die in front of my food?” I asked, skeptical. “Last time you interrupted my lunch, you were being kidnapped.”

Alarmingly, Jokul sat up, eyes red, sniffling back tears. “He won’t talk to me…”

Both Charly and I jerked back, surprised. Recovering faster, I carefully ventured a question. “You mean Ivan?”

Rather than answer out loud, Jokul gave a bigger sniff and nodded emphatically.

I was so not prepared to have this conversation, but I tried anyway. “Is everything… I guess, okay, for lack of a better term?”

“He works so much,” came the plaintive response. “He’s so tired all the time, and I’m trying to adjust to everyone looking at me funny and…” He stopped, tears rolling again, biting his lip in what looked like an effort to gain control.

“And?” Charly asked, setting her lunch down and carefully reaching to put a hand on his forearm.

“AndIdonthaveanyoneelsetotalktonowbecauseIrealizedIdontactuallyhaveany friennnnnnnds,” he blurted out quietly, the last part on a barely-constrained sob. I had to give him credit for trying to draw as little attention as possible while talking about something that was clearly a difficult subject.

“Oh, that’s bullshit,” Charly sighed softly, shaking her head. “Right, Sophia?”

I rocked my head a bit, thinking about it. “I mean…. I don’t know about friends, per se - “ Charly glared and kicked me hard enough to drive the breath out of me. “Hey! Cut me some slack?”

“I’m the one who got the punch,” she scolded, stroking his hair and carefully detangling it.

Fair. “Earning friendships may take some time,” I admitted. “But that doesn’t mean you can’t talk to anyone about what’s going on, you know.”

“Who, Councillor?” he demanded sadly. “Who do I have to talk to?”

“Well, you clearly thought I was a good idea - Ow, Charly!”  Rubbing my shin, I continued. “Like I was saying, though. It kind of depends on what it is you want to talk about. If it’s struggling to come back from a negative public image… Simon, hands down, is the best person for that.”

Thankfully, Jokul went from looking despondent to confused. “Simon Rodriguez?”

Charly and I both nodded hard enough to pop our necks. “He was a complete ass when I boarded. I actually tried to kill him, and so did Tyche.  He can tell you the details, but in the end, he made the effort to be a better neighbor, and now he’s an amazing educator whose students adore him.”

“Arthur Farro was a warlord, however,” Jokul tried to object. “Would he not be a better source of insight?”

“Absolutely not,” Charly responded before I could draw a breath, shooting the idea down instantly. “Mr. Farro doesn’t care what other people think of him, beyond making sure they aren’t trying to kill him too actively.  He adheres to social etiquette in most cases, but it’s not for his own sake, more for the sake of those associated with him. Does he care if he’s trustworthy? Absolutely. Likeable…...” She winced as she trailed off, hand tipping in an ‘eh’ gesture.

“Which is why he wasn’t bothered in the least when you wanted a fight,” I pointed out, trying to draw the points together. “Whereas Simon didn’t realize how poorly people thought of him, and as soon as he did, he took steps to change it, even when it was hard. So definitely start there if you need guidance.”

“I will endeavor to do so,” Jokul nodded before his expression dropped again. “But what about Ivan?”

“There is nothing about him being tired that makes his ears malfunction,” I heard myself say. What? Why? Why was I doing this? “No matter how tired I am, my ear still works, and I can still listen to Conor and Maverick about their days. And sometimes that’s all that’s needed.  Mutual bitching about a bad day is… pretty normal, actual.”

He sat up, paling, with a horrified expression on his face. “Oh dear gods, how do you manage two?!”

Charly and I traded glances of confusion before looking back at the distraught man who was slowly inching fingers toward my fish pie. I nodded to Charly, who wrinkled her nose and got up to grab him some food, while I addressed the former cult leader. “It’s usually easier than just one,” I confessed. “If one of us is too tired or sick, there’s always someone who can pinch hit.” I wasn’t about to admit that it was also made easier by the massive family I had acquired during my time on the Ark. That was the last thing he needed to hear. Softening slightly, I tilted my head and placed my hand on his arm. “Jokul, do you really not have any friends, anymore? What about… the ginger kid. I never got his name.”

“William,” Jokul spat with more force than I had seen since the day we met, catching me completely off guard. “A sycophant. He almost immediately asked what my plans were to continue forward with ‘our plans’.” The air quotes were a nice touch, but his face was nothing but sour. “I had to report him to Councillor Kalloe,” he confessed, face falling into a frown.

“Oh, wow,” I murmured. “Okay then. We need to figure out how you can meet other people, I think.” I was barely able to resist the urge to hit myself in the face. We? Why was this a we thing all of a sudden?

Thankfully, Charly came back, nose wrinkled at a second portion of fish pie. As Jokul dug into it, she perked up slightly. “The Undine! They have cultural events all the time!  And! Andandandandand,” she started bouncing in her seat with each syllable. “Ivan loves those events. Not only does he drum up a lot of work, but he also loves meeting new people! You can do a date thing!”

That was, by far, the most harmless suggestion Charly could have made, and I made a mental note to send her a candy-basket at some point. “Plus, if Ivan is there, Zach and Hannah should be, too. You met them, right?”

“Did I?”

I managed not to roll my eyes as I reminded him. “The couple that were talking to Ivan the day you, um… met him?”

“Oh!” he exclaimed, sitting up straighter. “He mentioned they were friends of his!”

“Lord bless it,” I laughed. “Those two are probably his closest friends, honestly.  So, something like that would be both a chance to make friends and something you can do with Ivan!” And something that does not require me to adopt someone who recently did his best to be a pain in my ass. 

“And you said I can still just… talk, to Ivan, when he’s too tired to do anything else?”

“Yes?” I confirmed, slightly bewildered. “He still cares, I would think.  Keep in mind, he does manual labor for a living, by choice.  If he’s too tired to move, he is probably physically incapable of moving.  It would be like Conor coming home, showering, and flopping on the couch.  Good luck moving him, just grab him a pillow and blanket.”

Jokul arched an eyebrow at me, recovering something resembling his former ego. “I am quite capable of carrying Ivan to a proper bed, thank you.” His face abruptly softened. “I’m just new at… this…” he waved his hand vaguely. “Relationships, during a time of peace, I suppose.”

Huh. That never occurred to me, actually. “Hang on,” I thought out loud. “Have you had any portion of this conversation,” I frantically pointed between the three of us, “with Ivan?”

“Not.. yet?” came the sheepish response.

“Sir!” I sputtered. “If you do not go home right now - take your pie with you! - and talk to your poor…. Partner, boyfriend, whatever. If you don’t talk to Ivan, I will give Arthur permission to re-administer the ass-whooping and deal with Ivan later over it!”

Rather than being offended, Jokul seemed to take the admonishment for what it was, and dashed off.  Charly, breathless with laughter, managed to recover just enough to give me the stink eye. “Did you just give solid advice to your adversary?”

“I won! Sort of,” I argued. “Besides, anyone that upset about a romantic relationship deserves some kind of slack, right?”

“Were you really going to sic Mr. Farro on him?”

I groaned, burying my head in my hands. “The less he knows about this entire interaction, the better. I’ll never hear the end of it.” And then, just as if my day could not possibly get any better, I heard a familiar, dry voice snark from behind me. 

“The less I know about what the better?”

Oh, hell.

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[justreadingfics]

Looking For a Heartbeat (24/26)

Pairing: Bucky Barnes X Reader

Series Summary: You and Bucky used to be in a relationship. Feelings were hurt, you left.  It’s been two years and you’re back. You both will handle the reunion well, won’t you?

Word Count: 3K+

Warnings for this chapter: angst, kidnapping.  

A/N:  Thank you @suz-123 for being so amazing. Next chapter will be the hardest one to write, I can tell, so bear with my slow ass writer, please! And thank you for you all being so amazing, I’ve received so much love last chapter, I’m sorry I couldn’t reblog every feedback adding a comment of my own, but I do read all the messages, more than once, of course. Love you. Links are messing up posts, you can find the masterlist link on my description.

You’re breathing.

You know you are because of the sound of air filling your lungs through your nose and Natasha furiously typing beside you are the only two noises reaching your ears. There’s no other sound on the tower’s control room at 4 in the morning.

Lifting your gaze from your stubbornly trembling hands on your lap, you see the same devastation devouring your insides plastered on the expressions of every single occupant of the round table.   Wanda, Vision, Thor and… Bucky. The incredible pain already consuming you pangs in your chest harder at the sight of him right in front of you. His hands are tightened against each other over the table as his head hang low and his locks hides his face from you. You keep your eyes on him as if this way you would make him somehow look back at you. You need to see it. If you can see hope in his eyes maybe … maybe it would be easier for you to hold on to it. You need to hold on to it. To anything…

Summer...

Your baby girl.

Your whole world.

“Fuck… Godammit!” Beside Bucky, Tony curses, working energetically on screens popping on the air, trying to fix FRIDAY - who has been hacked - while Natasha silently aims a furrowed stare at her laptop screen and types, searching for any clues of where your daughter might be.

By the way, every single one of you refuses to leave the room before any directions of where Summer might be. Sam and Steve are not there because they’re dealing with the necessary procedures to put Dr. Nadine into SHIELD’S custody and moving her kids to a safety program from the same organization.

After you, Bucky and the whole team almost put the entire building down and didn’t find Summer - the worst feeling you’ve ever felt in your life, as if some part of you, your own heart, dammit, had been taken away from you -  the team brought every guest from the party and everyone that had something to do with you, Bucky and Summer back to the tower to be interrogated. Damn the late hour, damn with the inconvenience. Summer was missing, your little sun. The whole team’s little sun.

It took two words from Nat and just the sight of Wanda for Dr. Nadine to spill the beans. She confessed they had been blackmailing her. HYDRA. They threatened her two kids and, in exchange for their safety, she had been giving information to them. About Summer. As it turns out, despite the fact she had been telling you and Bucky there was no way to find out how the Serum would affect her yet, she knew it exactly. By following the development of her cells she knew Summer would grow with a super physical strength and abnormal brain activity, what would without doubt give her an unusual intelligence and heightened senses. She’s been telling this and everything about Summer’s health and routine to HYDRA  and Zemo, as she also said she heard met him in one of her latest encounters with them. 

It took every ounce of your strength for you to not just jump on her and strangle the doctor to death. As for Bucky, it took a God, a Super Soldier and an extraordinary being with an infinity stone on his forehead to hold him back. At some point you might even be able to understand her motives. Her family was in danger and it was HYDRA, after all, but she could have reached out for you, for SHIELD, anyone. You would have surely kept her and her family safe. But right now, you’re thankful Steve and Sam acted quickly on contacting Fury and arranging everything to take her far away from you. All you think about is to just rip her head off along with everyone else who even thought about touching Summer. You trusted her. You trusted her with your kid’s life, the biggest love of your life...Your baby. Your precious innocent baby has been in danger this whole time because of her.

The thud of the door opening makes you jump in your seat and you promptly stand up when Sam and Steve step into the room being followed closely by Sharon Carter. The harsh scowl on her face softens when her gaze crosses yours and she makes a beeline towards you, enveloping your body in a tight embrace.

“We’re gonna get her back, my friend,” She whispers softly in yours ear.

Your jaw clenches to hold back the sob threatening to come out and you hold her back harder. You haven’t cried yet, nor Bucky, and you don’t know you can stop if you start. But right now, you have time for none of that, you need to stand strong and focused to get your baby back.

“Do you have any news?” Thor and Tony ask in unison.

Stepping away from the embrace, you turn around to see everyone standing up like you, eyes trained on Sharon. Everyone but Bucky, who remains stoically staring down at his hands. You breathe in deeply, before focusing back on Sharon. You need anything she might have to tell you right now.

You and Sharon have been good friends ever since childhood, since your grandfather and her aunt, Peggy, were partners at SHIELD. Now, she’s the new Task Force Commander of the Joint Counter Terrorist Center, where Zemo was being kept. Her presence here means she has news about him and, therefore, about Summer.

She nods after the scowl comes back to her face and steps to the center of the table as everyone keeps their attention fixated on her. Even Tony and Nat stop what they are doing to listen to her. You heart beats in a frantic rhythm against your chest as, from her watch – courtesy of Tony Stark – an image pops up to the air with a male figure on it.

“This is Agent Ivan Reed. He used to be in charge of Zemo’s custody and, as we found out tonight, he’s also a HYDRA rat.” Her tone is bitter as her jaw clenches. “What we know so far is HYDRA has been communicating with Zemo through him and, with their help, Zemo has been putting together a new organization, a group, actually. They’ve been calling themselves Masters of Evil,” Sharon rolls her eyes and scoffs at the stupidity of the name. “We don’t know for sure yet, but it seems like there’s a few enhanced people among the group and, when they found out about Summer,” Her eyes drop to yours apologetically as her voice softens, “They reached out for her doctor and started threatening their family in exchange of information on her development and her routine, as you all already know.”

Yes, you already knew they were interested in Summer somehow, but listening to it again, how all this time your baby has been in danger punches the air out of your lungs. You glance at Bucky, but when he doesn’t show any sign to you, besides the clenched fists on the table, you turn back to Sharon.

“The idea was to build a new super soldier. One that would be raised and programmed entirely by them and therefore they could control completely. When the Doctor confirmed Bucky’s DNA would have the effect they expected on her, they decided her first birthday would create the proper distraction to,” Sharon pauses, taking in some air before continuing, “to take her.”

The sound of wood cracking makes you jump before you turn towards the sound and spot Bucky’s clenched fist deep into a whole on the table’s surface. This makes all heads snap to him, but no one says anything or move to his direction. No one dares to.

 “Any idea of where they might’ve taken her?” You ask Sharon and, despite your efforts, your voice comes out shaky and you hate it. You fucking hate it as you brace yourself to keep standing up.

“This Ivan Reed, Lady Carter, has he said anything about the little Sun’s whereabouts? I can go and have a chat with him if you allow me so,” Lighting sparks run through Thor’s fingers as his thundering and dangerously low voice fills up the room.

“He’s a scumbag,” Sharon answers sharply, turning off the image coming out of her watch, “Believe me, nothing would give me more pleasure than arranging a chat between you two, Thor... but we tried everything. We really did,” She addresses a reassuring look at you, “It seems like… he really doesn’t know.” She shrugs as defeat sweeps into her voice.

A line of angry and frustrated curses resounds through the room as you keep silently looking at Sharon, as if pleading her for saying anything else that could give you hope.

“This group, these Masters of Evil, they’re a whole new organization, but HYDRA is backing them up. We’ve been monitoring HYDRA and we believed we had all their facilities down, but… they’re just fucking everywhere.” She stops and bites on her lips, a nervous tick she rarely lets slip, “But maybe… if someone who knows them, deeply, ….maybe… we…” Sharon tentatively tries to say but doesn’t finish.

She doesn’t have to as silence falls into the room. You know what she means, or else, you know who she means. You swallow, slowly nodding at yourself before you walk to Bucky, where he remained seated and quiet all this time. Getting close, you crouch beside him, supporting yourself with an arm over the table. You can see how hard he’s fighting to breathe as his chest move up and down. “Bucky… can you… can you think of a place where they might’ve taken her?”

It’s an unfair question. You know that. He’s been out of their grasp for so long and he was never really him when he was there. Not really. It’s unlikely he remembers anything, let alone something as specific as this. Besides, it’s completely unfair to put this incredibly heavy weight on his shoulders, but you must try. You just have to.

Without looking at you, he shakes his head no, “I don’t know.” He answers plainly and you finally hear his voice again after his outburst against Dr. Nadine.

“If they…” You lick your lips, “If they want her because of her enhancement, maybe they won’t hurt her.” You hold on to this thought, “They’ll probably keep her somewhere… somewhere they can… they can learn more about her.” The words come out in a struggle, “Think, Bucky, it might be a place you’ve been before…” You try, pleading with him, “It’s Summer… our baby daughter. We gotta bring her back, Bucky. We gotta protect her-”

“Don’t you think I know that?” He shouts and, as he snaps at your direction, his devastated pained expression startles you. The chair scratches against the floor with the force he uses to swiftly get up, making you stand up promptly, too. “It’s my daughter, my baby. Don’t you think I know it’s my job to protect her, a job I was terrible at, by the way?  And no, I can’t think of a fucking place where they might’ve taken her.” He storms out as fast and as he blurts his words out.

You keep staring at the door he had just slammed, the loud thud cutting through the dead silence that has taken over the room. You’re lost. You’re completely lost. When you move to go after him, Steve gently puts a hand on your arm,

“Let me,” His tightens his lips at you.

You don’t have the strength to disagree and after he leaves, your legs finally crumble making your body drop to the nearest chair. You can’t hold back anymore and the loud sobs start to slip out of you in a violent rush. You don’t want to cry, you don’t. You have succeeded in holding it back so far... What a useless mother you are who, instead of finding your daughter, just keep crying there sitting on a chair. How is that going to help your little baby.  You need to be strong. You need to think clearly.

Gentle hands cover yours over your lap as Wanda and Sam kneel on each side of you.

“My baby, my little baby.” You sob, “What if she woke up, Wan? What if she’s scared because she can’t see me or Bucky. She doesn’t even have her little unicorn… she’ll be so scared.” Your vision is blurred with tears as you utter your voice out between loud sobs, “What if she’s hungry. I always nurse her as soon as she wakes up and I’m not there with her. What if they… what if they hurt her…”

“No, honey, that won’t happen,” Wanda holds your hand strongly and a wave, a peaceful feeling, rushes its way into your chest. But not enough to completely calm you down.

“You said it yourself, hurting her it’s not what they want.” Sam argues.

“What if I don’t get to find her? Oh my god,” Your stomach lurches and you let go of Sam’s hand to cover your mouth, holding back the strong will of throwing up at the mere thought.  

“Hey, hey.” Tony crouches in front of you. “That’s not going to happen. Do you see this team over here.” Tony waves around and you then realize the concerned faces of the whole group hovering you. “We won’t stop before we get our little sun back. We may have fucked up by not seeing it coming,” Tony bites his cheek, you know he feels guilty because of FRIDAY being hacked. “But her aunts and uncles are the best in the galaxy and most importantly her momma and dada are the best. We’ll bring her back. No scratch on her. And I pity whoever comes between us.”

You take in a shuddering breath, trying to make your breathing even as you start to feel a bit better. He’s right. You know none of them will rest before Summer is safe. They all have been working non stop the whole night. They love her. Truly love her. And will do whatever it takes to bring her back. You only wish none of this were happening to your baby.  

“Ok,” You nod as the weak sound comes out of your lips.

“Why don’t you go rest a bit, I can go with you.” Wanda offers.

“No,” You shake your head fast, “I’m gonna stay right here.”

You feel the comfort of Nat’s hand on your shoulder. “Honey, go. It’s been one hell of a night. We got this. Anything and we call you, right away. Just a few minutes.” She squeezes your shoulder, “Go wash your face, lay down a bit. It’s been too much… Just a few minutes - an hour tops- and you come back. We’re not going anywhere. Please.”

You ponder the thought for a minute. You actually haven’t been of much help so far, you need to get it together for you baby… all for her. Reluctantly, you agree. Just a bit and you’ll come back and you’ll find her.

~~~

After you wash your face and drink gallons of water, Wanda offers to prep an omelet for you. Having no strength in you to argue, you accept it even if the slight glance at food makes your stomach cold. As she works on the kitchen you go to Summer’s room.

The sight of the old unicorn – her favorite toy – forgotten on her crib brings tears to your eyes again. You take it in your hands and hold it strongly against your chest as you sit on an armchair. God, you hope she’s alright.

You hope Bucky is alright, too. You hope Steve was able to comfort him at least a little bit…

“Hey?”

As in line with your thought you turn at the voice to see him standing by the door. He seems agitated, alright, but you spot something in his eyes you’ve been dying to see the whole night. Hope.

“There might be a place.” He nods and licks his lips.

“Let’s go.” You don’t think twice before getting up from the chair and rushing towards the door. As you move to pass by him, he places his hand on your elbow.

“I’m sorry…” He says firmly, not averting his eyes for even a second, “For yelling, I…

“Don’t.” You say softly, shaking your head as his eyebrows furrow. “I know. I know.” You cover his hand on your elbow with yours. You do know. Only the two of you are able to understand the deep pain you’re both sharing now.

His sigh is deep and shaky before he gives you a tight smile.

“Come on.” You urge, not wanting to waste another second when you have the chance of saving your baby.

~~~

The team splits in two. You, Bucky, Steve and Wanda go on the smaller jet, as Thor, Tony, Sam and Vision go on the bigger one. Tony keeps working on FRIDAY on the way as Nat and Sharon stay behind, searching for new intel, in case Bucky’s lead is wrong and something else comes up.  

Your heart pounds as you take a seat beside Bucky. You might be so close to finding her.

He watches as you place the little stuffed unicorn in your lap. Seconds after, his metal hand finds yours and you look at him as you let your fingers intertwine with his. That little sparkle of hope you saw in his eyes moments ago on Summer’s room grows into a fire in your chest. You’re together in this and you’re stronger. Stronger enough to go get your baby. 

“We’re gonna bring her back.” You tell him, gripping on his hand for dear life. You always found the touch of the metal on his hand somehow reassuring. You always felt safe with it, because it’s him. Your rock, your strength. Your love. This time is no different.

“I know.” He nods, squeezing your hand back and allowing a small smile to form on his face, “There’s no other option.”

You believe him.

“There’s no other option.” You nod, smiling back at him.

~~~~

Ch. 25 coming soon. 

[tracynotabi]

Riptide Day 2 / Undertow

September 11, 2021

D-Day.

Kevin, Ivan, Joey, and I were getting a ride from Spencer, who was also taking Narq to the venue, while Robert and Parker got a ride from someone else. Well, at least we didn’t have to walk to the venue. I didn’t pack sunscreen.

At 9am, about half an hour we were supposed to leave, Kevin gets a stomachache.

Me: He just needs to poop. Spencer: The classic.

We end up going to the lobby to wait for Spencer in Narq, which was fine considering we actually didn’t want Spencer, our ride, waiting for us.

Spencer: Okay, Narq’s just using the bathroom rq lol Me: Is he also having tummy problems Spencer: Nah just bein stoner and forgetting to do stuff lol Me: The classic

We go get Chick-fil-A and I’m sitting underneath the dashboard again by Kevin’s feet. I think the employees were very bewildered, as the woman on the other side of the window did a double take. I would, too, if I saw a smaller-than-average person just hiding underneath the dashboard sipping on a cup of Coke.

Some time after I get to the venue during doubles, I end up talking to Jimmy (j u m), when Kevin comes rushing over to me, a panicked look on his face.

Forgot to mention, but Kevin actually couldn’t get all of his poop out before coming to the venue and now it is back with a vengeance.

He tells me that he’s unable to go to any restroom because there were three stalls in the men’s restroom: two were occupied and one was clogged with poop.

He had tried flushing the poop one but it only made it worse. It just clogged more and the water level rose. If he had sat down and insisted on finishing, his balls would be touching the water and that’s a no-no.

He tried asking the front desk for other restrooms, but he was informed it was the only one. He was desperate and you could just see it in his eyes that he was about to break.

Me, using the big, wrinkly brain that I had, told him to use the women’s restroom. He froze, not even realizing that that was an option.

Now before anyone complains, hear me out.

I would rather be in a restroom with a male in the stall next to me, than exit the restroom and see someone standing outside the men’s restroom trying to wait for a stall with a shit stain in his pants. Excuse the vulgarity, but it’s true.

If you’re ever at one of my tournaments and you need to go and no male restroom is unoccupied, for the love of god, please fucking use the women’s restroom. I do not need this mess on my hands and you best believe I’m shoving myself in the men’s restroom if I gotta fucking go expel unicorns and rainbows.

I go to the restroom with Kevin and stand awkardly on my phone to keep watch, because he didn’t want any of the staff members actually seeing him and risk himself getting kicked out of the venue.

That would’ve been extremely unfortunate.

Luckily, nobody else needed to go use the restroom while Kevin was in there and he was able to safely compete his duty (lol).

If anyone is upset at my suggestion, I’m sorry, but I wasn’t about to not provide such a simple solution for Kevin’s emergency.

Anyway, the tournament start shortly after that.

First match I pay attention to is Kevin vs. Wombat. In my head, I think it’s pools so I shouldn’t worry too much. I try to watch Kevin’s sets, but it makes me physically ill sometimes because my anxiety is wracked up like crazy and I just want to throw up. Many have witnessed me walking away and trying to distract myself multiple times at multiple different tournaments.

It’s like that gory horror movie that you can’t keep looking away from.

Besides knowing that I get sick, I figured it would be fine since I actually enjoy trying to support my boyfriend and watch him come out of pools winners’ side. Not meaning any disrespect by Wombat, by the way. He’s great. Just realistic. It’s like how I expect Kevin to lose to Bob.

Kevin loses Game 1.

Ooh my tummy’s doing barrel rolls like the way Twisty did with that pullout bed. I look away but I’m just so distracted by the crowd noises.

I totally get it, though. Obviously, it’s sick that Wombat’s holding his own against Kevin, who is seed 3 of the tournament. I’d be excited, too, if my friend was making an upset on someone else. But Kevin’s my boyfriend, so obviously, I want him to win.

Kevin barely wins Game 2 and I’m like ooooh boy. My tummy’s going to town and I think I gag a little by how sick I feel. Gotta focus on getting Joey his next match. *deep breaths*

When heartswaptv airs the whole tournament, definitely check out the set. It was really good (as far as I can hear, I couldn’t bring myself to watch the rest of it).

Kevin comes over to me after he’s out of pools and I scold him for making me worried.

AND YOU NOW WHAT HE SAYS?

Kevin: Babe, it’s fine - I almost lost to Zeddy at Redacted City and I got 2nd. I’ll be fine. Me: T____T *incoherent whining noises*

Does Kevin thinks he’s fucking cute for saying that or something? I was not amused.

Since I didn’t have to volunteer TO the entirety of the tournament, I bounced around mingling with other people.

At one point, I get a message from Suvir in our group chat about how he, Sosa, and Narq were planning on coming to visit NorCal. Of course, since Narq was already here, I decided to just go up to him and ask.

Me: So I heard you’re coming to NorCal? Narq: I am? Me: That’s what Suvir said. *shows phone* Narq: I guess I’m going to NorCal!

Suvir: Narq doesn’t actually know. Sosa just said he’d take him with him and said Narq would agree to go because he’s Narq. Me: Oh that makes sense why he had no idea what I was talking about.

It wasn’t until around top bracket did things start to pick up. Not too many spoilers, because (1) no spoilers before they upload the vod and (2) I have a terrible memory when it comes to the matches.

I remember holding up Kevin’s phone to stream to our Discord because we had some non-PM player friends who wanted to see and I think Kevin wanted Thomas (ThundeRzReiGN) to give him some advice throughout the tournament. Not actually coach, but to critique his play.

As more and more top players fell, Kevin made it a goal to do his best not to fall into the landmine that was Losers’. So many heavy hitters were large threats to him: Techboy, Malachi, Akimi, Cloudburst...

Not to say that Winners’ side didn’t have their fair share of monsters: Peter, Parker, Kumatora, Twisty, Nogh, Lunchables...

Kevin’s first match in Top 32 was against Bongo, who people sleep on quite a lot. For those of you that don’t know him, he’s a Captain Falcon from NY who actually beat Kevin at Flex Zone 3 in 2018. Kevin had beaten him at Encore, but it wasn’t easy.

Not to mention Falcon is a pain the butt for Mario. Unfortunately, the match was not recorded (as far as I know), and it was a very exciting match from what I heard. I avoided watching it because based on how long it took, I knew it had to have been a Game 5. During that time, two matches have been finished on “stream.”

Kevin had said his match against Bongo was the toughest one he had - not to discredit his other opponents, of course - but according to him, it was the scariest and closest. Also the threat of being put into Losers so early would’ve made the climb to Top 8 a lot harder.

His overall goal was actually to make Top 8. Despite being a third seed and rank 5, what I’ve noticed about Kevin is that he does have doubts about himself quite often. He’s never complacent in his opponents and worries all the time about being upset and I don’t think anyone puts more pressure on him more than himself.

As I watched my friends progress through bracket, all I can think is there’s not much I can do. I don’t understand the game very much, despite my heavy involvement in the scene. In fact, more often than not, I believe I understand the game the least compared to everyone else.

A tangent from the actual tournament itself is coming, but I think I should address why I’m even in this community:

While everyone loves the game, I love the community behind it. I find it worth it to sit/stand in one location for hours at a time because it allows my friends to enjoy the game they love comfortably without worrying how the tournament is progressing. They can focus on their own growth and passion.

I think what I see is completely different. Like I said, I don’t really understand this game - I can’t differentiate uairs, bairs, d-smashes, etc. I compute it in my head, but can’t visualize it. I don’t recognize most combos - in fact, more often than not, I’m sitting there just staring at the screen kind of blankly. Sometimes, it does make me wonder if I really am part of this community because I don’t really understand the game.

I can’t say I particularly care too much about the game, but I understand how much of an impact it’s made on me and for that, I’m very thankful for this game because it’s led me to some great people.

Back to the actual event and less sap. lol. Is anybody still even reading?

For something put together in a mere two weeks, Trin and their team did an amazing job. Three recording set ups, graphics, a pot, a venue... props to them for gathering the scraps and making a whole out of it. And to think we almost didn’t go.

Madeline (Swanner) ended up coming and it was honestly so good to see her. We aren’t particularly close, but she’s someone I’ve come to care for and just want happiness for her.

Major spoiler, but I don’t think anybody who cares about PM/P+ doesn’t know Kevin won the tournament.

Everyone expected a pop-off, but Kevin just sat there, crying.

I don’t think there’s ever been anything that Kevin has been more passionate about. He loves this game; he loves this community. Never did it ever occur to him that he would win.

I wish I could say more, but honestly, him winning stunned me speechless. And if you didn’t know, the first thing he said after was that he had to call his mother.

His mom is one of his biggest supporters and I love her to death. She has such a huge heart and has never, ever frowned upon Kevin’s love for the game, whole-heartedly supporting it.

I hugged Maddy, because I can’t even imagine how heart-breaking it must be for her to see what could have been on the mainstage. I imagined how much it must’ve hurt her because she just loves the game and the community, but to see it constantly be torn down by Nintendo and her unable to do anything... Give Maddy a hug and thank her if you see her. She deserves the world.

We ended up walking home with PNW, Bob, Mar, Bongo, Cameron (LoyaL), Ivan, and a few others, honestly too dark to completely see and name. It was a very nice night.

We did, however, pass by the rundown house that definitely looked like if we were to talk in there, we’d be killed by the axe murderer that lived there.

Kevin also lagged behind a lot because his phone notifications were going off like crazy and I was worried he was going to just get lost in the darkness or get hit by a car. Stop looking at your phone when you cross the street, dammit.

We got back to our hotel room and ordered pizza - it was bad. God-fucking-dammit, Ohio, why do you suck so much? Kind of a shitty dinner to end the day on, but nothing else was open at 2am. FeelsBadMan.

[quicksilversquared]

The Substitute Ladybug: Chapter 2

After Lila takes things too far and Marinette ends up with a broken leg, Paris is going to have to deal with a different superhero arrangement for a bit. Having to share her superhero identity with her parents before Hawkmoth can be defeated isn’t something that Marinette had planned on doing, but- well, it might end up being a bit of a blessing in disguise.

links in the reblog

Going back to school with a broken leg- well, it was pretty intimidating.

After all, their classrooms at school were divided between two levels. There was a lot of bustle and unintentional pushing as students moved between rooms when they were switching classes, and some of the doors- like the bathroom doors- weren't exactly going to be easy to push open with crutches. Then there was the worry of Chloe trying to take advantage of Marinette's hindrance to try to do something to her. Getting to her seat, slipping away unnoticed if an akuma attacked, being able to do any quality focusing when she was on her pain meds...

Well, she would have to take the day as it came. And as it turned out, it wasn't so bad after all.

Mr. Damocles pointed out a fairly hidden elevator that she could use. Kim and Ivan offered their services to piggyback-carry Marinette up and down the stairs at school if she didn't want to bother with finding the elevator between classes. As soon as he heard what was going on, Adrien offered the same thing, clearly eager to be of help. Everyone had heard what Lila had done and was horrified about ever doubting Marinette, so everything there was back to normal. Alya had even made a post on the Ladyblog apologizing for posting Lila's lies and calling her out for Marinette's injury, so all of Paris- or at least everyone who followed Alya's blog- knew how terrible of a person Lila was.

And Hawkmoth didn't attack until after school, which meant that Marinette didn't have to bother with slipping away. She could follow the fight from the comfort of her temporary bedroom, surrounded by pillows and blankets.

"Okay, I've managed to get into the city's video feeds," Vipera commented, watching her screen. All she had needed to get the screen on the lyre was to want it, and then she had noticed a little button to push. It expanded across the middle of the instrument, large enough for her to easily follow. "And it should hop from feed to feed, whatever will get me the best view."

"Fantastic!" Coccinelle told her. "I think we've got the hang of this right now, it seems a very standard-issue akuma. We've seen far worse."

Vipera nodded. She had to agree. As far as first akumas for her mom to face, this was a pretty good one to start on. It would involve a bit of fighting, but there had been far more complicated and difficult akumas before.

For the most part, she was going to stay out of things. If she talked too much, that was just one more thing for Coccinelle to keep track of. If they needed help or if she spotted an opening or a trap, then she would speak up. And of course, if she needed to use Second Chance, then she would tell them what they needed to do instead.

The fight raged on, and Vipera followed it carefully. She needed to be hugely on top of things to be able to figure out when to activate Second Chance, if it was needed. It would be harder to do now, when she wasn't physically at the fight, so lapses in concentration were not allowed.

(Oddly enough, Vipera liked that. It was a challenge, something that kept her mind on the top of its game. It wasn't the usual physical challenge, maybe, but the mental challenge...)

It wasn't long at all before the akuma fight wrapped up, with only a few helpful suggestion from Vipera. The two superheroes on the scene fled before reporters could get close and ask any questions, and Vipera sat back with a hum, considering that.

On one hand, holding off could be a good thing. The less information Hawkmoth got, the better. The longer they could hold off making any statements- well, then Hawkmoth would be kept in the dark.

On the other hand- well, Hawkmoth had eyes. He could see that Coccinelle was different than Ladybug. He wouldn't know what that meant, maybe, but he might try to send out more akumas until he got the answers that he wanted.

Vipera leaned forward, tapping her chin in thought. More akumas would definitely not be a good thing, so they would want to discourage that somehow. Even though Coccinelle had put on a good show with the first akuma and her martial arts training had shown through, inexperience was inexperience and Hawkmoth would try to take advantage of that with a difficult akuma that would put a strain on all of them. So if they could make the battles harder for Hawkmoth and his akumas...

Well, there had been some times where Vipera thought that maybe she could activate Second Chance and shorten the fight a bit. It would have required a bit more coordination- maybe Chat Noir should have an earpiece in, too, so she could talk directly to him- but that was a possibility, something that they could explore to maybe make Hawkmoth step back and reconsider sending out more akumas.

"Almost back!" Coccinelle said in Vipera's ear. "I'm going to use your balcony. That seems the safest. I'll mix it up in the future so that I don't get tracked back."

"That seems like a good idea," Vipera agreed. She waited for a confirmation that her mom was back, then detransformed. A check of the clock revealed that she was due for pain meds, and so she took one before maneuvering to sit at her desk, wincing when her cast bumped into the desk's side and sent a spike of pain up her leg.

Superheroes had to keep up with their homework, after all. Since she was going to keep being involved in the battles, even with her broken leg, that meant that she had to keep on top of her assignments and not spend too much time loitering around.

Planning for future battles would have to wait. For now, Marinette had homework to do.

  Four days in, and Paris was apparently worried about their missing superhero, even with Chat Noir's announcement about Coccinelle just being a short-term temporary replacement while Ladybug got some much-needed rest. They had seen temporary heroes before, of course, but rarely without both of the other superheroes- and never without Ladybug.

It took everything in Marinette not to laugh, really. She wasn't missing from the fights, not really. There had been three battles so far, and she had been overseeing all of them, watching, waiting for a sign that she needed to step in.

Vipera had used Second Chance exactly once, and that was to warn Coccinelle and Chat Noir about a sentimonster rearing its head. She seemed to have a fifth sense about when it would be a good idea to activate her power, even if there was nothing that was obviously off yet. And nothing had gone seriously wrong in that instance, but Coccinelle and Chat Noir were able to respond and take out the sentimonster without a problem before it even got a chance to get going and interfere with their battle with the akuma.

Marinette had spent a lot of time talking with Sass to figure out how to get full use of her powers, tapping in to that fifth sense and being able to manipulate the fight more effectively. While her parents could deal with her mom being gone for fights- they had enough seasoned staff in the back kitchens of the bakery that her dad could cover the counter for a while- it was better not to have to be short-staffed for long. If she could shorten fights with her use of the Snake, then Marinette wanted to do that.

For now, though, things were going well.

"Chat Noir and I sometimes did patrols, back when we were starting out," Marinette told her mom as they worked on dinner together. Marinette could sit at a tall chair at the counter and chop veggies, facing her mom as they worked. "We haven't done that a lot recently, because we've been so busy with school and it's hard to keep up with everything sometimes, but it was fun to hang out." She made a face. "Except when we were just patrolling to keep Mr. Damocles from hurting himself. That was just frustrating, because it was every. single. day."

"Chat Noir has suggested that we do some patrols over the weekend," Mrs. Cheng told her. "Or, rather, run some loops around the city so that I can get some practice in with your yo-yo. I thought it was a good idea, because that's definitely an area that I'm struggling with. And then he's suggested some fighting practice, too, just to make sure that I'm on the top of my game."

"I think it's a really good idea!" Tikki piped up. "Since Chat Noir is used to a certain level of fighting ability at his back, and he might automatically do something that doesn't work as well when he doesn't have Ladybug next to him. The two of you have been fighting alongside each other for so long, you can practically read each other's minds, it seems. Coccinelle might be temporary, but she'll be doing enough fights that it's important to have some of that teamwork and training there."

Mrs. Cheng nodded as she dumped a cutting board of chopped veggies into her frying pan. "Exactly! And Chat Noir seems like such a nice boy, so it'll be nice to get to know him better," she added. "I want to know the boy that my daughter's been spending so much time with!"

"Maman!" Marinette complained, immediately embarrassed. "We're just friends, you know that!"

Her mom laughed, giving the sizzling veggies a stir. "I know, but I like knowing your friends, too! And you can't deny that Ladybug and Chat Noir seem quite close," she added with an impish smile. "I mean, I think all of Paris saw those photos of you two kissing-"

Marinette yelped. Loudly. Tikki was giggling, the little traitor. "It was because he got hit by Dark Cupid and I was trying to break him out from under the spell, because that's what works in fairy tales!" She pouted at her still-giggling mom. "And it did work, because he snapped out of it, so there!"

"Of course, dear," Mrs. Cheng said. There was still an amused edge to her voice, not entirely convinced, but Marinette wasn't going to keep on arguing. It wouldn't get her much anywhere, after all.

"I do worry about him, though," Mrs. Cheng added after a minute of silence. "Besides just the hero thing. He said that he was homeschooled for most of his life-"

Marinette was pretty sure that her jaw had hit the floor. "Mama! He's- you're not supposed to talk about civilian lives! It's too dangerous, we could find out each other's identities before the kwamis say it's okay!"

"I've not given away anything that would give me away, Marinette," Mrs. Cheng told her. "Which- well, would be where you go to school and the bakery, really. Anything else I would think wouldn't be specific enough to give anything away. There's two million people in Paris, Marinette. The chances of you two knowing each other enough that me saying anything else would result in a reveal surely can't be that high-"

"Chat Noir has had brunch with us, Mama!" Marinette protested. "He knows civilian-me! It's not like I've never interacted with him on this side of the mask before!"

Her mom considered that. "Oh. Hmm."

"Exactly!"

Instead of promising that they would never talk about their civilian lives again, Mrs. Cheng smiled. "Speaking of that brunch- what was that all about, dear? Your dad was under the impression that you had confessed your love for Chat Noir!"

...Marinette had admittedly temporarily forgotten about that bit.

"He spotted me on my balcony pretty much right after I detransformed," Marinette hastened to explain, before her mom could get any more ideas. "And wanted to know why I was there. So I had to distract him, and come up with a reasonable explanation for why I was there-"

"Because 'I live here' wasn't good enough?"

Marinette froze. She...hadn't thought of that. "Oh. But it was late, and I was really, really tired!" she added on hastily when both her mom and Tikki started to giggle. "So I just blurted the first thing that came to mind and it doesn't mean anything I just thought that playing fangirl was a good idea!"

"I suppose we should stop teasing her before she explodes," Mrs. Cheng told Tikki, amusement lacing through her words. "I feel like Chat Noir might be upset if she did, since he's already looking forward to her return so much."

Marinette pouted.

"Anyway, as I was saying before- just because Chat Noir knows you doesn't mean that you know him, Marinette- he's been homeschooled, and I get the impression that he's not had great adult role models in his life," Mrs. Cheng continued over Marinette's spluttered objections. "He's been asking me about things that have happened with his friends that he hasn't understood, since he hasn't had many good friends growing up and learned pretty much everything about social interactions from anime, of all things. So I think having more time to properly discuss things and have some adult guidance during our training sessions will be good for him. Akuma battles aren't the most ideal for giving a good dose of parental advice."

Seriously, Marinette couldn't believe her ears. Her mom had apparently decided to mother her partner. What was next, inviting him over for dinner?

...she wasn't going to suggest that. Her parents would probably decide that they should all transform and go out to eat together, or maybe have a picnic in the park.

"I think Chat Noir will benefit from it," Tikki agreed happily. "And clearly he knows that something is off with some of his social interactions if he's asking about them. Really, it's a compliment, Marinette!" Tikki added when Marinette looked dubious. "He's decided that whoever raised you must have given good advice, because he sees you as well-adjusted."

Marinette gave a short nod. Maybe Tikki had a point, but- well, she was still adjusting to the idea of Chat Noir telling her mom more about his personal life, because maybe there were two million people in Paris, but how many people were close enough to their area of Paris to be able to respond to akuma attacks in the same window of time that Chat Noir did? And out of those people, how many of them were teenaged boys?

(Blond teenaged boys who had been homeschooled for at least part of their life. That- that was getting uncomfortably specific.)

(Maybe there were more of them than Marinette thought. Maybe Chat Noir wasn't actually blond. Maybe she shouldn't think about it too much.)

"Anyway, I think I'll be spending a little more time transformed than initially planned," Mrs. Cheng finished, giving her pan on the stove a little shake before checking to see how cooked the vegetables were getting. "Just to take advantage of the ability to dole out a bit more parental advice. And to train, of course. We want to have the best possible chance of getting the Ladybug Miraculous back to you safe and sound!"

"Of course, Maman," Marinette agreed. She paused, considering, then looked over at her mom again. "Do you want to hear about some of our past akuma battles? I mean, I know all of Paris sees news coverage of most of the fights anyway, but..."

Mrs. Cheng beamed at her. "Would I like to hear about the battles from Ladybug herself, who was in the thick of things? Of course!"

Marinette beamed, her mind racing to come up with a good fight to start with. "Well, a couple months ago..."

  "Marinette, dear, wake up."

Marinette groaned at the voice disturbing her sleep, automatically trying to roll over to bury her face in her pillow before the blanket rolls that she had set up to keep herself from disturbing her leg too much stopped her. Another tap at her shoulder made her frown again, and then her eyes slowly fluttered open to see her mom standing next to her bed, carrying a flashlight in one hand. She frowned.

"Mom? What's going on?"

"There's an akuma attack and I need to borrow the earrings," Mrs. Cheng told her as she helped Marinette sit upright. "You don't have to stay up for this one, Chat Noir and I will be careful."

"No, I want to help," Marinette insisted, the fog already clearing away from her brain as adrenaline rushed through her system. She pulled out the earrings, passing them to her mom before digging in her dresser drawer for the Snake's bracelet. Aside from Tikki's healing abilities being stronger when she was with Marinette instead of with her mom, this was why she always took back the Ladybug overnight, so that Coccinelle wouldn't sneak off without the Snake's backup. "So both you and Chat Noir should have your earpieces in, okay?"

"If you insist, dear. But remember, if you get tired, just let us know and go back to bed. Rest will help your body heal faster, and I know you've been tired." Mrs. Cheng slid the earrings into her own ears before smiling at her daughter. "We'll be safe, I promise."

With that, she went out the door. Marinette looked to Sass.

"Tonight?"

"I think that you're ready," Sass agreed. "You're tuned in enough to the fights to be able to really use Second Chance to its full extent. And a late-night fight...I don't doubt that both Coccinelle and Chat Noir would welcome the opportunity to have a much-shortened fight and go back to bed."

Marinette nodded. Still, the idea of using Second Chance so many times in a row- well, it was a little worrying. But she had been practicing, she hadn't just been thrown into the deep end during a battle, so in theory things shouldn't be too bad. "Okay. Sass, transform me!"

Green light filled the room, and Vipera settled her lyre on her lap with the screen pulled out. She could already get feed of the akuma near the Kidz+ TV station, even though the other superheroes hadn't gotten there yet, which meant that she got an early look at the akuma's powers.

An early look at the akuma's powers, plus a good view of which way the akuma was facing, what the corrupted object was, and how much attention the akuma was paying to its surroundings at any given moment.

Perfect.

"Okay, I have a visual on the akuma," Vipera said into her earpiece, noticing the icons at the top of the screen that told her that both Coccinelle and Chat Noir were out and both had their earpieces in, so both would be able to hear her. "And I want to try something new tonight with Second Chance, to direct the battle from here. I'll know what the akuma is planning on doing before it does it, and we can have the shortest fight ever." She paused and rethought that statement. "Well, aside from the battles with Mr. Pigeon and Mr. Rat. I don't think that those take more than a couple minutes now."

Chat Noir snorted in amusement at that last bit. Her mom was unconvinced.

"I don't think that two in the morning is the best time to be trying new strategies, dear," she told Vipera. "Perhaps we could try it during the day sometime?"

"Sass said that tonight would be perfect," Vipera told her teammates. "Because I'm tuned in enough to the sort of fifth sense I was telling you about and familiar with all of the uses of the Snake's powers. It should shorten up the fight."

"I'm all for trying it," Chat Noir said at once. "If you think it'll work, then I bet it will. Worst-case scenario, it doesn't go nearly as well as you think it will and you need to re-power and we have to fight like we normally do, without the Snake's back-up. Just don't- don't use Second Chance too many times, like Aspek did."

"I don't plan on it," Vipera told him, because she didn't. Adrien hadn't been nearly as tuned in to the Snake's powers as she was now, and he hadn't had the preparations she had had, either. "And I'll be careful, promise. So for this to work, you have to listen to me and do what I say, or else there'll be no point."

"Okay!" Chat Noir agreed at once. "You know you can be my puppeteer any time you want, my Lady."

Coccinelle sighed, like she was going to say something about that, then decided not to. "I'll go along with it as well. Just let us know if the plan changes."

Vipera nodded. Obviously. "Of course! So, how close to the Kidz+ building are you?"

"One block," Chat Noir reported. "And I can see Coccinelle, she's coming at my two o'clock."

"Okay," Vipera said, her mind already whirring as she watched the akuma onscreen. "The akuma is near the TV station and moving north, but not very fast. The butterfly is in his belt, I think. Watch out for the wand, he's using it to turn people into statues. I don't see a sentimonster yet, but I wouldn't be surprised if one shows up. It would be easiest to do an ambush attack from behind, but make sure that you wait for an opening. He likes swinging around periodically."

"Got it!"

Vipera nodded, eyes intent on the screen and occasionally swapping out for other cameras to track her mom and Chat Noir as they drew closer and to scan the rooftops for any signs of a sentimonster or the supervillains. There was no sign of them yet, but there had been a delay in the superheroes' response.

"Dropping in in three, two, one-" Chat Noir murmured in her ear, and Vipera set the time.

There was no going back now.

The next- well, it was four and a half minutes for the superheroes, but closer to an hour for Vipera- were tense as Vipera followed the fight from all angles, resetting often and directing the superheroes' almost every move. It was a mental exercise as she had to remember all of the previous instructions that she had given plus a new one or two on top, in the correct order and with the right timing.

She wasn't Ladybug for nothing, though, and years of childhood games where she and her parents played the add-on story-telling game came in handy. There were maybe two times when she had nearly flubbed up the order of her commands, but she hadn't and so Coccinelle and Chat Noir had been able to wrap up the fight in practically no time.

"That was fantastic, Vipera!" Chat Noir said breathlessly as the akuma fluttered away. "Great job! I hope you didn't have to cycle too many times!"

"I kept it under control," Vipera said, because really, all things considered, she had. She glanced at her Miraculous. "I'm going to detransform soon. Be careful going home, in case Hawkmoth decided to come out."

"Got it, my Lady!" Chat Noir said cheerfully. Seconds later, Vipera's Miraculous beeped one more time and the transformation released. She grinned at Sass, exchanging a fist bump.

That had been amazing.

"You'd make a good full-time Snake," Sass said appreciatively as Marinette wriggled back down into a lying position. Her mom probably wasn't going to bother returning the earrings now, since it was only going to be a few hours until it was time to get up, so she might as well go to sleep. "Not everyone figures out how to- well, how to weaponize Second Chance like that. Though that's what makes you a great Ladybug as well, because you can turn anything into a tool to get an advantage."

Marinette grinned, pink staining her cheeks. "Thanks."

"It's only the truth." Sass yawned, floating over to her dresser and inhaling the snack that she had left out for him there. "You did really well tonight, and you'll only get better with practice. But for now- you've been up longer than your partners. It's time to rest. Good-night, Marinette."

Marinette smiled back, reaching over to flick off the light. "Good night, Sass."

[albino-whumpee]

An old thing 4

First

Continued from here

Possibly the angstiest part of this. Not much whump really.

I´m gonna go ahead and tag @the-host-and-colton for this one. It´s not the BBU but I suppose the Boxies with babies dynamic is there. “Baby doesn´t understand the situation but the parents do” kinda thing. Excuse the ping!

CW// Dehumanization, slavery, human trafficking, forced breeding, mentions of past dub con and non con, blood, implied and mention of past whump of minors, hazing, noncon child separation, creepy and explosive whumpers, physical and emotional abuse.

Everything will be tagged and if there´s tags to be added, tell me please.

After five years, Kit was a rowdy little boy. Running around with a smile on his face at all times. You wouldn’t think he was a slave if it wasnt for the thin black collar on his neck.

In how obedient he turned with his masters. Even though he didn’t understand the concept yet.

“Master? Why are Roahn and Shy here?” Kit asked Danae once. Layo and Danae weren’t mom and dad. They were master. But for his little mind it was just the same thing.

“To serve you and us, Kit. You will understand it better when you grow up”

“Alright” Kit said watching Roahn taking care of the garden with her big bump “Master? Will I be able to play with Roahn’s baby?” Kit asked again.

“No more questions Kit” She said annoyed. The kid was quiet but he still looked at Roahn with curiosity.

-

“Roahn?” Kit asked the woman being hugged by Dimitri in their floor mat. She woke up as it was the middle of the night, and when she saw him, he shook Dimitri awake. They sat in the other side of the cell.

“Hey there Kit” Dimitri smiled at the toddler.

“Hi Shy” Kit said.

“What is it Kit? Are you hurt?” Roahn said stretching her arm for the kid to hold her hand through the bars. The kid took it.

“I am cold upstairs. So I thought you were very cold here too. Its always chilly down here” the kid grabbed the blanket he had carried all the way down and gave it to Dimitri. “I dont want the baby to be cold”.

They looked at each other with a pained and proud expression.

“Do you…wanna see how she moves?” Roahn asked the toddler who instantly put a smile on his face.

Roahn went close to the cell and told the kid to get closer. Kit did. She grabbed his tiny hand and put it on her abdomen. Curiously she moved. As if the little one inside her knew.

“She’s rowdy!” Kit said. The word coming from how Layo would call him sometimes. Kit was an smart boy.

“Yes she is!” Roahn laughed along.

“I cant wait to play with her!” Dimitri and Roahn went stiff “I mean, if I can…” Kit cleared up sensing their discomfort.

Roahn took his hand into hers and gave it a little kiss.

“Of course you can” she said looking at her son in the same hazel eyes she had. His worries escaped his face to be turned into smiling.

“What would you call her, Kit?” Dimitri asked him.

Kit reflexed for a bit, looking at the ceiling.

“Bunnie!” He said “oh! Or Sara! Or Emi!”

“Where did you take those names from?” Dimitri giggled. They were good names.

“Master is writing a new book. I am a character there too!” He said proudly.

“Oh? You are?” Dimitri said, resting his chin in one hand. Roahn thought it had been a long time since she saw him smile like that. Not since Olivia.

“Yes! I am a dog!” Dimitri stopped right there with a shocked face. He cracked a humorless laugh. He really hated Layo for doing that sick joke.

“Do you like dogs Kit?” He asked anyways.

“Yes!! Sadly master doesn’t like them…” Kit pouted.

“Hey Kit, what if I told you there’s a place where you could have a lot of dogs?” Dimitri asked him Roahn looking at him.

“Eh?! Really? Where’s that?” Kit asked getting closer.

“I can take us there but I need you to tell me something. I only will ask you to see one thing everyday ok?” He said getting closer to him. The camera and the microphone were not a problem. They had been tricked for years.

“Everyday?”

“Yes”

“What?”

“If you ever see big men with black suits tell me what day they come in alright? Or if master says something about an auction tell me. And then we will go to that place, Alright?” Dimitri said. Roahn wasn’t sure if the kid had gotten all, but Kit was smarter than they could see.

He already knew how to read.

“An auction? Like last time?”

Dimitri couldn’t help himself from looking down for a bit.

“Yes, Kit. Like last time. Would you do that for us?” She asked him calmly.

“Ok. I will tell you” Kit said. “Im going to sleep. Goodnight” Kit said going away.

“Wait!” Dimitri yelled, the kid turned back.

“Thanks for the blanket” Roahn said covering her and Shy.

“We love you Kit” Dimitri said. The kid didnt know how to take that and just blushed before running off.

Dimitri and her laid down again. After a moment, the woman’s arms squeezed him lightly.

“Are you sure?” Roahn asked him.

“We cant let this slip off again, Roahn” he said.

“You have changed” she told her “I remember you telling me you didnt have bad thoughts about your owners”

Dimitri embraced her stronger dipping his face into her neck.

“Ivan was all I had. And he was taken from me. He was killed by a bunch of brainless fuckers. I told myself I wouldn’t fixate on his dead. And tried to forget. But when that happened…” Roahn reached for his hand and squeezed “I knew I couldn’t ignore it anymore. I cant let this freaks fuck with us anymore. We have to go before the auction. Much more longer before that”

“Three months” Roahn said “after she’s born, three months and we will go”

“In that time I’ll have it all ready” Dimitri kissed her shoulder “I wont fail this time” he said as she smiled.

His face had a big scar that went all the way from his cheekbone to his neck.

Layo had tried to cut his carotid when they tried to escape the first time. And he almost succeeded.

-

The baby was born a week later. Kit was amazed by the baby’s arrival. Apparently her name was Jen. Although Kit thought how Bunnie would have had suit her better he went on. For him Dimitri was the only way of knowing how she was doing. Kit was a curious child so he would ask him lots of questions. Dimitri had received some education but many of his questions beat him. At those times he would pat him and tell him the library had a book about that day’s question they could read together.

Sometimes, when they knew there was no one in the house but them, he let Kit sit on his leg.

By now Dimitri and Roahn had to wear clothes at all times except when their genitals were required. They weren’t that used to be so covered but definitely it was warmer. And less humiliating. But the mounting…those were nights were those rules didn’t matter.

“How is Jen and Roahn?” Kit asked him.

“They’re ok. Jen is a very healthy baby. You would love her” Dimitri said.

“I would have loved if she was named Bunnie though…” the kid pouted. Dimitri laughed.

“You know my name isn’t Shy?” He said the kid opening his eyes amused.

“Then what’s your name?”

“Dimitri” He said with a bitter sweet smile. It was the name his brother had gave him. He wanted to tell him to call him dad, but right now that was too risky.

“What a pretty name! Why are you called Shy by Master then?” Kit asked. Dimitri pursed his lips together and touched his scar.

“Its a nickname”

“Nick…?”

“A name only good friends call each other”

“But you don’t like Master at all…”

“Well, some nicknames are for people you don’t like” he giggled wryly.

“Hey, Sh—Dimitri, what does “slave” mean?” The kid asked him, getting his full attention.

“Master called me that the other day when I dropped a bit of juice. I dont know if its a good nickname…” Dimitri held him strong.

“You dont need to know that Kit” he said to him “You’re a good boy ok?”

Kit thought about the many times he had been called bad things and found comforting he said that. So he hugged back.

They stayed there like that for a while.

—

At night, report.

“They havent mentioned it yet then Kit?” Dimitri asked him from the other side of the cell. Kit shook his head, his curly black hair flopping.

“Thats perfect. And what is master doing on thursday?”

“They have their cocktail party and go early” kit said. Dimitri was making mental notes.

“When do they go on their trip?” Dimitri asked him looking up.

“On sunday”

Dimitri has made his plan. Five days were a bit short but the three months had passed and he had it all ready. The few money he could slip from change. A few clothes. Tools. Food. They were ready to go.

“Kit, in Sunday I need you to do something fun. Would you grab your binoculars and tell me when they go and bring me the keys in Master’s office?”

Kit physically did a step back.

“What is it?”

“Im…not allowed there…I cant…”

“It’s ok Kit. Dont worry. Can you play explorer and tell me when they go then?” The kid shook his head vigorously. “You’re such a good kid, Kit” he revolved his hair. And gave him a candy hidden in the downside of the mat.

“Ah! Thank you Dimitri! I love you!” Kit said while hugging him through the bars. Dimitri had to be really strong to hold the tears in.

“I love you too Kit” he said watching him go off.

He stared at the ceiling unable to sleep.

How much he wished Cal and Olivia were there too. But the pain of losing them wouldn’t happen ever again.

Even if he died at it. They would go and get freedom.

[saltyghostsworld]

Hello! This is a valentines day gift for @aphforeignrelations ! I hope you enjoy it as much as I did writing this!

I'd like to give special thanks to @istoleludwigsbaumkuchen for Beta reading this for me! You truly are the best Worm ace.

-______________________________________-

A Mirror to Me

    The first shirt was too big, the second too small, the third was unflattering, and the fourth just ugly. The fifth and the sixth looked too similar to be noteworthy, and whoever said that seven was a lucky number was a liar, considering the monstrosity that Gilbert had pulled out of the closet. Gil loved Francis, he truly did, but by gods, his fashion taste left something to be desired at times. The eighth shirt looked decent, but not formal enough for tonight. The ninth was too formal to be worn at any event, and Gil wasn’t sure why he owned such an article of clothing in the first place. The tenth, however, was just right. 

    A deep maroon, partnered with the black-tie given to Gilbert as an early birthday present by Lovino, looked great with the black slacks Gilbert had chosen to wear. Nice leather belt, watch, and a little bit of cologne before Gilbert would be ready to go. That is if he puts on the outfit.

    The problem wasn't that Gilbert did not wish to go to the restaurant, quite the opposite. It's just. Tonight was a very important day for Gilbert. Tonight would be the first time he will be setting foot back into The Maple Garden in what, two, three years? Not since the accident, that was for sure. Rationally, Gil knows what happened to him wasn’t terrible. He made it out in pretty good condition, and what he did that day saved lives. That's what mattered in the end. 

    Shuffling over to the bathroom mirror, Gilbert took one, long look at himself. He has gained back most of the weight he had lost. No longer is his skin ashy and pale as it was back during those few months in the hospital. Any scarring would be covered up by his clothes, which helped his anxiety immensely. He looked good! He even stylized his hair, just a little bit for tonight. It will be alright in the end. Gilbert was sure of it. 

    Taking one last look at himself, Gilbert braced himself on the wall as he hobbled back to the bed where his clothes lay in wait. Sitting down gingerly onto the bed, Gilbert stretched his leg out hissing a breath through his teeth from discomfort. The pain was nowhere near as bad as when he first started walking again, but hell if it wasn’t going to take some serious time and effort to get used to. Physical Therapy helped, it did, but some things just take time. With this in mind, Gilbert finally slid the knee brace on. Even after two years, it still felt so strange to put it on. It was nice though, to finally be able to pull on the brace without help. It felt quite nice to have some independence back in his life, and these past three months have only solidified those thoughts. It was good to be back.

    After getting dressed, Gilbert couldn’t help but look at himself in the mirror again, smiling at how nice he looked. A year ago, Gil would have broken down into a sobbing mess, feeling like an imposter within his skin. Now, though, Gil felt good. No, Gilbert felt great! The cane truly matches all outfits, and it added a sense of maturity to his image. It felt good. It felt right.

    Walking out of the room, Gilbert found himself feeling nostalgic. Every step brought back years of feelings and pains, but growth and accomplishment alongside it all. Taking the first step down the staircase, Gil is reminded of his first day waking up in the hospital. It was cold, and his body felt numb. He could remember how he couldn’t feel his leg and how all he could do was blink, then fall back to sleep. It carried on that way for two weeks, trying to contain the infection on his leg Gil had found out at a later date. Once he was allowed to fully wake up, the numbness had followed for another week before the Doctor had recommended cutting the use of painkillers to a minimum. 

    It was difficult, waking up and finding how damaged he was. To learn that he may never be able to walk again. To discover that his life would never be the same. Gilbert had shut people out at that time. He felt the worst during this period. He refused to see any of his friends or coworkers, as shame overtook all rational thought. Gil had honestly thought that his brother would only gaze upon him in pity. Looking back at it now, Gilbert could understand why he’d done it. Why he still hasn’t reached out to anyone. That was the point of tonight though, wasn’t it? To reconnect. To build new, stronger bridges where the old ashes lay. To take the final steps in his recovery. 

    Gilbert was a quarter down the staircase now, thoughts turning to his first days of physical therapy. The pain was indescribable. His leg could barely move, and Gil could hardly find the strength to continue. He thanks the patience of Dr. Ivan Branisky, for helping him work through all his physical problems. Dr. Branisky had been one of the most stubborn people on earth that Gilbert had ever met, save 2 or 3 others. The Doctor refused to let Gilbert give up, nor would they allow him to wallow in self-pity. It had been infuriating at the time, but soon became something Gil had needed desperately at the time. Now Gilbert could walk on his own again, with the help of his cane of course. 

    Halfway down the staircase now. Anxiety and anticipation were waging war inside of Gilbert, knowing that soon this journey would be coming to an end. And with this thought in mind, Gilbert allowed himself to reminisce of the time when he allowed himself to live again. A whole year after the accident,  working tirelessly to gain the use of his leg again without crippling pain almost rendering him unconscious Gilbert had gone to his first therapy session. 

    It was a difficult decision to go, as any thought or suggestion had left him restless and irritated for days at a time, cruising the name of all that caused him to be in the predicament Gilbert had thought himself fine. There was no need for some stranger to peer inside his head and tell him how damaged he was. He told himself that enough already, thank you. Every moment spent thinking about it had sent Gilbert into rage and depression, only causing the people around him to insist that it was a reason further to go. This had been another time when Gilbert had burned bridges with people, scalding words and spiteful actions driving many away. Another reason why tonight was such an important event to Gilbert.  It offered him the chance to apologize to many people he hurt and cut off.

    Upon his entrance to the Office, Gilbert knew that it would be hell. The place felt artificial, with cream colors and few items here and there. The receptionist, Tino had such a cheerful attitude, which had felt grating during the first months.  Anger was the strongest emotion Gilbert had been feeling, other than sadness. Thankfully, Dr. Heartman had fully prepared herself to drag Gil’s feelings out of him. She left no stone unturned and had him leaving raw once he walked out the door. He could hide nothing from the woman, which certainly helped in the end. 

    It had taken Gilbert almost three months with Dr. Heart before he allowed himself to even refer to the incident. Finally, he had found the courage to tell her what had happened after weeks of dancing around the topic. Before everything, Gilbert had been a cheerful person. He loved life, he loved beer, and he loved work. Gil had helped out wherever he could, whether it be advising exorcising or helping with fixing houses or volunteering in general. It had been volunteering which had allowed Gilbert to meet the love of his life in the first place, and for that, he would be eternally grateful. Gilbert smiled now, memories of their first encounter dancing through his mind. The two had hit it off rather quickly and came to no surprise that they had gotten together if their friends' reactions were to go by. Gilbert had limited free time, and the two had made the most of it whenever together. Gilbert had been a firefighter, working diligently to keep people safe. He never took into account that one day he would require rescuing himself.

    Gilbert had been called in to put out a fire at The Maple Garden, believing it to be the usual grab ‘n go response. The building had collapsed when Gil went inside to check for any remaining civilians trapped inside, crushing his right leg and severely burning his back. Thankfully no one else had been inside when the restaurant fell, and his injuries had been minor considering the circumstances. Everyday Gilbert takes some time to truly appreciate the fact that he had survived such an experience. Dr. Heart had been proud that he could finally put the experience into words, telling him that Gil was finally set on the right track of healing and improving his life. 

    Gilbert finally took the last remaining steps of the stairs, sliding down into the chair right beside them to give his leg a break. It feels good to be where he is now. Sure, he could no longer do many things he used to the same way as before, but that doesn’t mean his life was over. All it meant was a new one had started. 

    Footsteps on the hardwood floor caused Gilbert to look up, a loving smile slipping onto his face. Here was the one person who stuck beside him through it all. Here was the person whose sunshine smiles brought life into Gilbert's dead world. Here was the single most important person in his life, other than his brother. The love of his life, Alfred F. Jones. Alfred smiled back, coming close to place a kiss on Gil’s head. “You ready for tonight?” Alfred asked, bringing his hands up to cradle Gilbert's face.  

    “No, but I will be.” Was Gilberts reply. He wasn’t ready to go. There were sure to be uncomfortable conversations, countless apologies, awkward silences, and more than a few tears shed tonight. It needed to be done, however, and what a better way to rekindle lost friendships and smooth over past grievances than a wedding announcement? Placing his hand upon Alfreds, Gilbert couldn’t stop the rush of excitement and pure love from showing on his face when their rings clicked together softly. 

    Yes, tonight would be long and tedious, but it would be well worth it in the end. Not just for himself, but Alfred as well. Together they would be stepping into a new chapter of their lives, one sure to be filled with love and joy for the rest of their lives. 

[faireth-reed]

Comparing writing styles for the routes: Moonlight Lovers

Before I begin, this’ll be a long post. I just wanted to make Raphael vs Ivan at the beginning, but there’s much more to say. I know that I can’t fully decide my preferred writing style without the 2nd half of the routes, so I’ll take that into account. Careful, there might be some unpopular opinions, and spoilers, of course.

Let’s talk about each of them, by route order. At first I expected to have Aaron and Ethan as my favourites because of my Ezarel-Valkyon love, but these guys are not copies of Eldarya’s characters, so...

Vladimir

The first one tends to have it more difficult. While he has this “main LI” aura, we had to discover all the lore of ML through him, so it meant going at a slower pace. Good backstory, both for Eloise and him, and I was surprised to see a more unique past for Vlad. While some of us felt a bit frustrated at first because of “Vlad is mad at us again”, I really enjoyed seeing his character evolution, how he opened himself up.

Bad points? The route might seem “less unique” because it took a lot of time to explain the main story, and Vlad is not really present in other routes. That’s supposed to change in Raphael’s route, but it won’t be his main writer, so we don’t know how that’ll be.

Beliath

Who doesn’t look at him and say “my man!”? It’s impressive how we expected to get a boring casanova cliché and he was so much more, he managed to make us love him in all routes. And the relationship evolution was a gulp of fresh air, more interesting and a lot of respect. Beliath’s relationship with every manor member is unique, there’s fun and camaraderie.

The only thing I’d change about his route is the exaggeration of Leandra. Even if she’s a quite good character, there’s still that “Chiino’s too perfect/seductive self-insert” vibe.

Ivan

I’ve been thinking a lot of him, because he’s given me this “little bro must protect” ideas. Many people had Aaron-like expectations for him, but the events made lots of them stop playing, and I understand it. But I’ve come to a conclusion about his route.

I used to find his route really contradicting. Half of it gave me the sensation that our Chalice was falling in love out of pity, and that all the vampires were acting too badly, even out of character. But even if we mostly see her thoughts, we are seeing the story from Ivan’s point of view.

Why the clown-wholesome dissonance in every chapter? Is it contradictory or not? Turns out, it’s just two sides of the same coin. We’ve got a young man who’s ashamed of his past (rich boy who partied too much), who’s lived a trauma as big as the Chalice’s, and he doesn’t even remember it properly.

He has this pain that he doesn’t really understand, and he has to mature for his survival, and he’s responsible of other people too. What we see every chapter, even if it makes us uncomfortable, is the amount of reasons that we have to get the good or bad ending. Ivan is really fighting to overcome his condition, but the choices are so crucial that the outcome is either very romantic, or catastrophic.

The cruelty from the beginning is his point of view, he really thinks the others don’t trust him at all. He starts getting healthier when people show him their trust. He’s in desperate need of comfort (and that is worrisome), so that’s why he wants to fight so hard his previous obsession for Constance and Loic. He really wants to begin a new life, but the trust that he receives is such an important condition that he either manages to overcome his past or not. And it turns into a life-death situation.

I still don’t know what to think about the neutral ending. Is it just meme material? Is it good instead? Do Ivan and Loic deserve each other? Probably they do, but there’s someone else suffering here. I somehow like it, but if I were an Ivan stan, I’d be probably hurt.

Aaron

Most people’s favourite, and the best beginning, but... I’m so frustrated! It’s easy to compare the first chapters with Vladimir’s, because the main lore doesn’t need to go as slow now that we already know it. Even so, I put too many hopes for him. I expected a tavern scene, but the “trying to impress you in Moondance” was also cool.

And we got interesting stuff coming. His story, the naturality of being bisexual and our Chalice’s attraction towards him, both’s relationship with Farah... Until we were forced to see her as a rival too. WHY?! Where is the feminism that we were promised? Love rivals are boring! And Farah herself said that she didn’t want to compete. I found her cool, but it’s as if we were playing A6 and its dumb self-inserts.

I still have some expectations about the ending but not too many, Rather than having a choice to express attraction towards Farah or not, we were forced. Perhaps my problem is that I wanted to voice my thoughts, and this is a pre-made Eloise.

Raphael

No, no, no... I’m really sorry for his fans because they are really cool people, but I didn’t want Leiftan 2.0, and I’m getting Leiftan after buying stuff from Nathaniel.

I can’t judge because it’s too soon, but I really need an explanation. I have various hypothesis:

a) As “religious” as he is, Raphael thinks that a Chalice is some kind of miraculous gift, so he’s in an exthasis state.

b) Considering that some people confirmed that there’s a past lover again, Raphael is having as much trouble as Ivan. He could even compare the two women if they have physical resemblance, but I don’t know.

c) With one of the previous conditions, the vampire-chalice bond has become so strong all of a sudden that she feels the strong emotions as well. She wakes up already infatuated because he’s been feeling that for a while, looking at her unconscious form.

d) Much simpler, it’s manipulation again, we know that he’s good at mental stuff with humans. That would mean that he’ll have to respect her soon, if this is properly adressed.

Either way, I’m happy that the past lover seems to be an unknown woman and not Alessio, because his design is somehow interesting, and I want to know his role in the story. But I’m still mad that Eloise hates everyone but Raph.

Fortunately, this time we can choose our reaction with Ivan instead of what happens in the other routes. We can find a middle ground where she isn’t excessively comprehensive nor harsh.

Ethan

Here comes my bastard! He doesn’t have a route yet, but we’re learning so much from him. And I’ll defend him, because I just like relatable bastards (like with a certain SnK character).

We know his main behavior is caused by his war trauma. It’ll depend on how the writer manages him. Hopefully he won’t treat his chalice very heartlessly, but she’ll be scared at first for sure.

He’s seen the worst side of humanity, had a tough time adapting, and he cannot rest. There are two recently converted people that are a reflex of humanity and himself, so he’s conflicted. We know he respects Eloise and becomes closer with her in Beliath’s route, and some of the other vampires appreciate him as well.

From his point of view, Ivan doesn’t even try to survive (it’s practically true in his bad ending, and almost false in the good one). Ivan has technically put all the manor in danger and killed someone, so once the biggest danger happens, he snaps. He doesn’t even know how to react, so the first thing that comes to his mind is scaring Eloise or breaking a few bones if necessary, so Ivan stops going into a trap, or at least, it doesn’t affect the other members. Really twisted choice, but it comes in a rush.

He’s suffering the “only love-interests” problem of this kind of otomes. Since there are almost no secondary characters, he has to be the one to do the harsh comments. I don’t want to mention routes 4-5, but in Vlad’s he seems to snap when Neil’s situation is too badly handled.

So, by now you must already know which writer I prefer, and perhaps it surprises you. But I’ll add something more. The infamous list of ML’s incoherent things.

First writer’s mistakes:

”A chalice can’t kill their vampire”. Vladimir’s neutral ending proves otherwise, unless we acknowledge that euthanasia is consensual assistance. I still don’t like how much they make it look too romantic, but I understand the point.

”A chalice is only free when the vampire dies”. Ivan’s neutral ending has Eloise being “replaced” by Loic, and that has no explanation at all.

Neil’s disappearance.

Second writer’s mistakes:

”Vampires can’t have children, unless they are hybrids”. What about Beliath’s father? He was 100% vampire, otherwise Bel would be a mixture of more races.

There is an unwritten law about chalices not getting romantically involved with other vampires. Perhaps it’s just a matter of respect, but Ethan explains it as if it were as bad as drinking their blood. Was Beliath’s comment just a joke, then? Quite weird, anyways.

”You will be given more options in the story to make it more visual-novel-like, so you can choose more freely”. I don’t know about the endings, but the illus are harder to obtain than ever. Failing Aaron’s second illu? Raphael’s first? Or is it just Beemov having bugs again?

Go up again and stare at the pic. Now look at my bastard’s scared face. I don’t want him to have another past lover, or to act too out of character, even if he has a problem.