#it might be genderfluidity having a moment. it might be stress. it could be anything

[mars-ipan]

the hinata kinning is strong tonight

[yellowsugarwords]

i know this is probably useless information but i just wanted to let you know that your twdg headcanons/scenarios/reactions etc. are the reason i was able to find out i was trans (genderfluid they/them).

so thanks for helping me figure that out lol. i couldn’t be any happier being non binary, im really glad i came across your blog.

and if you’re still taking requests / writing for twdg, can you write some reactions / headcanons of you coming out to them as genderfluid? (if you haven’t already)

stop are you for real???? literally crying rn omg this is the best thing ever. I’m so happy for you and proud of you. you are so loved and accepted!!!

here you go, my friend :’) I’m gonna do a handful of my fav characters across the series

Lee: Lee turned, devoting his full attention to Y/N. “What’s going on? Are you okay?” Y/N was refusing to make eye contact and was fiddling with the hem of their shirt - something they only did when they were stressed. Naturally, Lee was worried. “I have something important I need to tell you.” Lee leaned against the kitchen counter, arms crossed, open and ready to listen. Y/N squeezed their eyes closed. “I’m genderfluid.” They paused, waiting for any type of reaction, before opening their eyes and meeting Lee’s stare. “I’m non-binary. They/them.” They cleared their throat. “I just wanted you to know.” Lee smiled, kneeling down to their height and pulling them into his arms. “Thank you for telling  me.” Was all he said. It was all he needed to say. It was all Y/N wanted him to say. Y/N closed their eyes and wrapped their arms around him, squeezing him tightly. 

Luke: Luke was in the kitchen, attempting to make a small cup of coffee. Y/N walked in and smiled. “Good morning,” “It would be if I can finally get a cup,” Luke said passively. Their system was far more difficult than it used to be pre-apocalypse. “I miss the coffee maker days. Way less work.” Y/N smirked, leaning against the counter near him, watching as his coffee slowly began to brew in the water he was boiling. “If you want a cup, you might have to wait ‘til next year.” The two chuckled happily, Y/N shifting nervously in their spot. “Look, I didn’t come here for coffee. I came here to tell you something.” Luke looked away from his current project. “What’s going on? You okay?” “Yeah, I am.” They answered quickly, rubbing their hands together as a means of fidgeting. They sighed and looked around, ensuring it was just the two of them for them to speak. “I’m genderfluid. Non-binary.” They shifted on their feet, but maintained direct eye-contact. “I just wanted people close to me to know who I really am.” Luke paused for a moment, then smiled warmly. Without a word, he swept them into his arms and hugged them, holding the back of their head close. “Thank you for trusting me with something so important to you.” Y/N’s eyes were wide. They had hoped for acceptance, but this? This was beyond kind. Beyond sweet. It was so….Luke. They were beyond thankful. As they pulled away, Luke squeezed their shoulders. “And look at that. Now my coffee’s done. Another reason I have to thank you.” Y/N smiled, hugged their arms to their chest, thrilled at how kidney he had not only taken the news, but reassured rhythm as well.

Javier: Javier was busy taking stock of the rations Richmond had. He was chewing on the  inside of his cheek, attempting to do the math to see how many portions each person in Richmond could get to keep them on track for storing food for the winter. In the middle of a calculator, Y/;N wandered up. “How’s it going?” Javi groaned. “Painfully. Care to help?” he passed them the clipboard and Y/N took it, smirking to themselves. “I can, but I kinda need to tell you something first.” Javi crossed his arms, smiling. “If you’re taking over the math, you can tell me anything.” Y/N chuckled, slightly nervously. “Well, uh,” they said, beginning to feel sheepish. “I’m, uh, non-binary.” Javi blinked, staring back at them. “Okay,” he said softly, nodding understandingly. “You're not shocked?” Y/N asked, releasing the tight hold they had on the clipboard and allowing her fingers and chest to relax. “No,” he said with a shrug. “I care about you being happy.” He smiled warmly, allowing his hands to rest on both of Y/.N’s shoulders. “If you’re happy, so am I. And I think you’ve been looking happier than ever these days.” Y/N smiled, chest warm, shocked that he even noticed. “You feel more like yourself. I've loved seeing that.” Y/N turned away, smiling to themselves, trying to blink back happy tears.

Kate: Kate smiled and took a seat, wanting Y/N to see how her attention was directed to them. “What’s up?” She asked, hands folded on her lap. Y/N took a deep breath, eyes directed to the ground, squeezing their fingers together in their lap. “I’m non-binary.” They said, plainly and factually. Finally, they looked up, their stare meeting Kate's. Genderfluid. I don’t identify with one set gender.” Kate hesitated, then nodded and smiled. “Okay,” she said softly. It was as though it wasn’t a big deal to Kate, but not dismissively. As thought was natural. Normal, even. Kate leaned in, wrapping her arms around a confused and stunned Y/N. “Thank you for trusting me with the real you,” she said softly, closing her eyes in bliss to hold back her happy tears. For so long she had wanted a relationship like this with Y/N - she wanted them to trust her - and she finally had confirmation that they did. “I love you no matter what.” She hushed. She could feel Y/N’s happy tears hit her shoulder as she stoked the back of their head lovingly.

Gabe: Gabe turned, smiling as Y/N sat down beside him. The sun had finally set, and the two of them were the only ones remaining at the bonfire, charged with waiting until it finally died out before going to bed. “I have something I need to tell you.” Y/N said, voice soft and low. The night felt so quiet, they felt as though they needed to whisper. Gabe nodded, poking a stick at the flames in front of them. “What’s that?” Y/N took a deep breath, but knew they weren’t going to hesitate. They would start to second guess themselves too much. “I’m genderfluid.” There was a beat of silence as Gabe turned to them. “Non-binary.” They furthered. Gabe smiled, shrugging his shoulders. “What? Did you think I wouldn’t be okay with that?” He chuckled to himself, tossing his stick fully into the fire. “Thanks for telling me.” He said softly and genuinely. Y/N smiled, thankful for his reaction. It was exactly what they needed to hear.

Louis: Louis was in the middle of fiddling aground on the piano, scribbling down notes on the scrap piece of paper in front of him. “Hey, can I talk to you for a second?” “Yeah, sure.” Louis said passively, scribbling even faster before he forgot what notes he had just played. “It’s important.” Suddenly, Louis froze and turned, his hand still holding his pencil. He quickly abandoned it against the piano and slid over, patting for them to join him. “Are you okay?” Y/N sat down. “Is everything okay?” He asked again. Y/N took a deep breath. “I need to tell you something important and Iwant you to not be weird about it.” Louis raised a brow. While he was known to joke, he wouldn’t ever tease them about something seemingly so important. “I’m non-binary. Gender-fluid. I don’t identify as a boy or a girl. I’m somewhere in-between. Kind of.” They were beginning to ramble, but before they could fall too deeply into it, they looked up from their quivering hands and saw Louis, smiling tenderly at them. “What?” Y/N finally asked. Louis chuckled softly. “Nothing. I’m just glad that you trust me with something so special.” Carefully, he put one of his hands over their shaking ones. “You’re okay. You’re accepted here with us. With me.” It was the perfect thing to say, but Y/N didn’t have the words to express that to him in the moment. Instead, they gave a teary smile, their chest warm.

Violet: Violet was lounging on the roof, staring at the stars, her hands propped behind her head. “Can’t sleep?” Y/N asked from the entrance to the roof. Violet turned, smiling, then shrugged without moving from her relaxed position. “Kind of. You?” “Kind of.” Y’/N responded. In reality, there was so much on their mind it was hard for them to think of sleep. They wandered up and sat beside Violet, kicking their arms out behind them and leaning onto them, glancing up at the bright night sky. “It's nice to stargaze without city lights,” Violet mentioned in passing. Y/N hummed in agreement, then averting their eyes to the ground below their swinging feet. “Violet?” Violet hummed in response, as if giving them a non-verbal ‘go ahead’. “I need to tell you something.” Violet turned to them, eyes intrigued. She said nothing, just stared and waited. Y/N could feel her eyes boring holes into the side of their skull. “I’m genderfluid.” They said, It was all they said. It was all they needed to say. Violet smiled, using her elbow to gently nudge Y/N. “What? Did you think I wouldn’t be accepting or something?” Violet chuckled/, finally sitting upright. She tossed an arm over their shoulders, giving them a faint side-hug. “Thanks for telling me. I feel honored.”

Mitch: Mitch was whittling a knife out of boredom, sitting on the Ericson front steps as he waited for his watching shift. He was to stand on the lookout tower for the night, but had to wait until the sun was fully set before he could trade off with Ruby. “Hey,” Y/N said, nervously stuffing their hands into their jacket pockets behind him. “You busy?” Mitch scoffed. “Please.” With a smile, Y/N sat down and joined him. “What’s up?” “Well,” Y/N sighed. Mitch tensed. That was never a good sign. “There’s something I really want to tell you.” Mitch was never good at this type of confrontation; a kind that could be emotional or difficult for one or both parties. He turned to look at them without saying a word, clutching his knife and stick tightly - nervously - in his palms. “I want you to know that I’m non-binary.” They nodded to themselves, as if saying it out loud confirmed it for them as well. “Genderfluid.” They continued. Mitch’s shoulders relaxed, the panic he had washing away. “Oh,” he said softly. Y/N turned to look at him, a fleeting look of pain in their eyes, before it vanished. Mitch smiled and turned back to his stick. “I thought you were going to deliver bad news. Not cool news.” Y/N smiled, nudging his shoulder teasingly, chuckling to themselves.

𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘯𝘬 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘴𝘮 𝘧𝘰𝘳 𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘥𝘪𝘯𝘨 💌☕️♡

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

hey so i have a kind of issue ive been pondering over for a while. i currently identify as a trans man, but for a while i thought i might be genderfluid and identified the two possible "genders" i switched between. i gave them names, ill call them s and k here. s was my more feminine gender, i used to describe them as my "girl" gender but now it makes me kind of uncomfortable identifying even partly as a girl. for a while, s used he/she/it pronouns. k uses he/him pronouns and is strictly masculine presenting. sometimes, i will feel like a mix of both "genders" and to be honest, it confuses me because more often than not they feel very distinct and separate, but weirdly similar at the same time? because, well, i usually think theyre both still me. but recently ive been wondering if they really are both me? if that makes any sense at all. because ive been thinking that the two "genders" might not be genders at all but instead like, separate personalities? because my interests change sometimes slightly and sometimes drastically when my "gender" changes, or sometimes i feel conflicted on what i *should* be interested in, if that makes sense? like both hypothetical interests are there, sure, but i feel confused on which one im supposed to like at the moment. and now that im really thinking about this, and typing it out, i have a feeling i might have some kind of plurality?? but im also scared that im getting way ahead of myself and jumping to conclusions, because the "genders" or "personalities" or whatever they are, people maybe, arent always so clearly distinct from one another? because i feel like if they are separate personalities than they both come from a singular base personality maybe? and theres also the issue that if they are two separate personalities or people, than I don't know which one is the real me.

sorry if this was like, really confusing. i just would really like some input on what you think this could be. if its not too much trouble, i hope this could be answered quickly because it's something thats really bothering me but if thats too much stress or whatnot, like you have other asks to get to first, than i totally understand and no pressure! thank you in advance

Hi anon,

It's fairly possible that you could be plural given the experiences you described. It's common for people who don't realize they are systems to experience their plurality in terms of shifting their gender, name, and pronouns, as well as their interests, likes, and dislikes. It's possible that the shifts could be different parts fronting, and it's also possible that the blending between them could be chalked up to blurriness or being cocon. It's understandable that the idea you may be plural could be causing some unease or uncertainty, even as to who you are personally, and please know that you're not alone.

However, as a nonprofessional and as someone who doesn't know you personally, it's not my place to say for certain whether or not you are plural. This could be something to explore further with the guidance or mediation of a mental health professional such as a therapist, ideally one who specializes in dissociative disorders and/or LGBT+ experiences. A therapist, especially one with these concentrations, could help you figure out whether this is to do with gender or if there's something more going on.

Please know that it's okay to explore your identity and discover who you truly are. Identity is a complex and personal journey, it can often fluctuate, and it can take time to understand ourselves fully. Remember to practice self-care, being gentle and patient with yourself along the way. You deserve the space and time to embrace and understand all parts of yourself.

Best of luck in getting to the bottom of this. If anyone has any comments or suggestions, feel free to add on. Otherwise, I hope I could help, and please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

[voidwritesstuff]

Angel Of Lost Hope AU

Cw: alusions to ptsd, nightmares and divorce, Desmond is in a coma like state.

Summary: Desmond Wales lost his battle to Agent Rainbow, now trapped within his own mind. Luckily, his patients find a way to reach put to him and possibly bring him back to the waking world. Alusions to age gap (between Lucas and jerico)

->AU idea Belongs to @theallenshorefangirl I'm just merely writing it.

->"Jerico" is my self insert. They're genderfluid and in this fic they use they/them.

->Sorry for the weird formatting.

->reblogs appreciated.

Well, this was a pickle.

Milton-haven and Its residents have been ramsacked with crime,insecurity and violence. Amidst it all people took comfort in the smaller things in life, loved ones, Friends, and some even went to therapy.

The pickle in question was that the town's reisdent psicologist, Dr.Desmond Wales, was...out of comission. Well, that was one way to put it.

--Well? Have you guys thought of anything?-- Virginia asked softly, handing Allen a cup of tea-- here

Allen, who was sitting on the couch looks up at the rest of his companions, his attention diverted to the Virginia for a quick moment-- thanks-- he answered giving her a nervous smile before returning to the rest of his companions.

Rosemary sighs audibly, passing a hand through her forehead, stress settled deep within her mind. In the background they can hear the heart monitor noise coming from Lucas' bedroom. --if we can create a diluted solution of agent rainbow, we might have a chance at taking him back, but if we dont do it right theres a risk we either succumb to our shadow or we die

Max raised a brow,arms crossed over his chest-- Well isn't that wonderfull?. How the hell do we beat our "shadow" self?

--Well,we'll have to fight them. Not in a physical sense but rather....-- the scientist trails off trying to find the right word-- accept them? They are all we repress About ourselves.. it would be a very shocking first engagement. Thats the part that could kill us, besides the chemical melting our brain

--Well that doesn't sound appealing-- Virginia muttered and Allen couldnt help but chuckle a little.

At this, the only person in the room that has not yet spoken was Lucas, the owner of the cabin that they were all in. The ex military Man leans on the door frame, arms crossed and setting his weight on his right leg. Hes deathly silent.

--Lucas?-- Rosemary calls out-- whats up?

--I'm going in-- he simply replied-- Now I understand if y'all don't. Max has his family and the rest of ya have a life. I lost enough people in mine, and 'm not 'bout to lose 'nother one

Then, the room quietens. Theres a sense both dread and indecisiveness, the sound of the heart monitor is almost deafening its both a grim reminder of why they were all there and a sliver of hope that Desmond was still in the realm of the living.

Allen's eyes fall on his tea,dark as night yet sweet to the taste,Much like him, he looked intimidating and people didn't really like him much, but truthfully he was a sweet guy, he just wanted to help people-- I'm going too, he helped me a lot and..it wouldn't be right for me to not help him back.

Rosemary looked at Desmond and then Lucas-- seems fitting I go too, I was the one who brought back that thing from retirement. I gotta set things right.

Virginia was nervously picking at the hem of her sleeve, the purple material soft to the touch-- if theres anything I can do to help desmond then... I'm in

Max sighed, scratching the back of his neck-- well... the doc here has been a great help. I might need to call my daughter first

Lucas' face softened, he turns to Max and says-- ya don't gotta come with, ya have a little girl to take care of

The other Man just let out a somber huff of air through his nose-- without desmond I can't see 'er. Court mandated sessions and all...even if I changed therapists I doubt they'll understand me like the doc did...

--Well...it's settled then?-- Rosemary asked-- we're all going? -- she gets a Group nodd in response-- 'kay..I'll need some time to dilute the chemicals so maybe a couple of days

Then Allen perked up-- just one quick question...if we're all there... who stays here to look after us?

Lucas' lips purse, his fists tighten but then he relaxes his hands, shaking his head a little. Rosemary notices this and asks-- you have an idea Lucas?

--I...do-- the ex soldier replied-- there's this other patient of Desmond, young gal. I met 'em some weeks back I thought I was running late to an appointment with Desmond but turns out I wasn't, talked to them in the Hall..-- he sighed-- I just don't like the idea to rope them into this, they're young and I know what being pulled into things you dont understand can cause

--well, If its not them...-- Virginia trailed off looking at Rosemary-- you could guide us through the...what did you call it again? Collective unconcious?

--Yes-- the scientist answered-- but... I have to go-

--You can help from this side,you understand this thing better than any of us, you can pay your dues that way-- Lucas reassured.-- we'll need a voice to guide us, we can use radio wave signals to communicate

--That's actually a great idea-- she replied-- well...guess I'm staying..

--Not to be that guy...-- Max interjected-- but we should need a way to pull us all out in case something happens on this side

--If I could make your bodies process the diluted solution faster, you'll be able to come to conciousness...there might be side effects like..maybe you all hear eachother's voices in your own head-- rosemary explained-- wont be for long, just until the entirety of the solution is gone from your bodies

--So you're saying we would have telepathy?!-- Allen exclaimed and Virginia looked at him as if he was onto something.

The scientist chuckled at the kid-like joy Allen had displayed-- something like that

--Cool!-- the lighthouse keeper mutters with a smile.

--Well, Rosemary and I Will stay here and figure how to dilude the chemicals,you Guys should go get ready, give us a few days-- Lucas answered sitting up Straight and pushing himself off the door frame he was leaning on.

After a few moments each person within the cabin leave, Allen and Virgnia seem lost in a quiet yet energetic conversation, Max seems deep in thought.

Rosemary looks at the floor for a moment-- you know...we could use some back up

Lucas Turned to the scientist with mild anger on his face-- Rosemary...

--Listen. I'm not saying rope them into it. I'm saying let them check in on me every few days, bring groceries and stuff

The ex military stands besides the scientist,arms crossed-- and risk 'em being followed and endager our mission?

--you care about 'em, don't you? -- she turns to him with a brow raised.

--W-well I care about them as anyone would do-- he answered, voice stammering and eyes darting away

--Y'know what I mean, Cole

--It's none of yer bussiness-- He answered.

--if anyone from mayer saw you talking to them they might be in danger-- she Warned-- don't think this whole thing won't go unnoticed

--The hell do you expect me to tell 'em?! "Oh hey why dont you come stay at my cabin in the middle of the Woods,why? Oh the goverment is looking for you!" 

--When you put it like that-- rosemary started, but then she sighed-- look I can call them and tell 'em I call on behalf of Desmond. The Office isn't a safe spot...in fact the only thing keeping us undercover is the tin Foil you set up and the curtains being drawn-- Then she took a moment to think-- Unless...how were they when talking to you? Did they lean in? Copy your body stance?

--uh..I guess? I noticed their voice go down a few pitches-- he answered-- why?

--that's great! Okay here's the thing. Call 'em,tell 'em you wanna meet and make 'em come here to the park -- she started,noticing the increasing flusteredness of her companion-- what?

Lucas scratched the back of his neck-- how do I put this? I don't know how to talk to people,I'm outta practice

--You're talking to me right now

--You know what I mean-- he huffed,scowling at the smirk the woman gives him-- don't look so smug

--So you do have a crush on 'em-- she smirked-- adorable

--You're the worst-- he complained,folding his arms over his chest.

--Look. Chicks dig a Man in uniform-- rosemary started-- what's the worst that could happen? They say no and that's the end of that

Lucas gives an "are you kidding me?" Look to the woman and answers--it's not that easy!

She stands up from sitting on the table and faces her companion--Trust me,Cole. You call em up, and say "Hey,I really enjoyed our talk the other day. can we meet at Elysium Park?" Its infalible, you're nice and honest and it's a place usually filled with people which means they know that there Will be people around,which makes it safe! Witnesses and all that

--And if they ask how I got their number?-- he asks.

--Phone books!

--Great,make me look like a creep why dont you?

Rosemary rolled her eyes-- fine. You can tell them Desmond gave you their number

--Doesn't that violate patient confidentiality?

--Seesh you're complicated! Just call 'em up! Go!-- she Gently pushed him towards the phone resting on a coffee table-- Check if their file are on that paper stack over there-- she pointed at one of the other sofas.

--This is unbelivable-- he growled with warm cheeks and a scowl.

--You'll thank me later!-- rosemary shouted as her companion left, Taking great enjoyment in the way Lucas stomps off towards the files grumbling curses.

Rumaging through the files he finally finds the one belonging Jerico, he sighs under his breath. After finding the number he closes the file a little too abruptly And quickly starts pressing the numbers on his phone.

From where he was sitting,Lucas could see the smug face rosemary was giving him. He finishes pressing the number and puts the speaker part of the phone against his trapezius mouthing-- Fuck off -- and then when she laughs he gives her the middle finger. A really mature interaction between two adults, as you can tell.

Finally, Jerico picks up. Their voice startles Lucas a little bit-- Uh, Hello?

--uhm Hi,it's Lucas the guy you met ar Dr.Wales' Office..

--Oh hey Lucas!-- Their tone was cheery and oddly energetic-- how are you?

--Oh uh- 'M alright. How about you?

--Tired but fine. Glad summer break is starting,university has been kicking my ass-- they reply.

--Yeah I bet. Hey lissen uh- I really enjoyed our talk the other day, can we meet up?-- he hears them squeal on the other side of the phone, he has to clear his throat as blush spreads across his cheeks. Good to know they were excited to see him too.

--Yes. Uh yes of course! Where'd you think we should meet up?

--Elysium park? On the entrance to the dinner?

--cool! Sure. What time?

--Does tomorrow twelve am work for you?-- he asked, looking at Rosemary whose just making kissy lips at him. He grabs a crumpled ball of paper and throws it at her, barely missing his target. Damn he had good aim.

--Yes. It does-- they answer-- One more thing though, How did you get house number?

His cheeks go dark red, he has to cough a little to play off just how flustered he was-- Ah well the doc gave it to me

On the other side of the line,Jerico had their brows raised. They humm as if to say "huh. Interesting" and then they answer-- alright then. See you tomorrow, take care!

--Y-You too, see ya

They hang up first, Lucas takes a quick moment to snap out of it. He clears his throat and settles the phone back to where it was previously.

--Sooo?--Rosemary asked peeking from behind the doorframe, Like a nosy younger sibling.

--I guess I'll be seein' 'em-- he replied looking away, arms folded over his chest and acting all tough and rough.

--Wonderfull!-- she squeals-- they grow up so fast

--aintcha s'pposed to be workin' or somethin'?! Dontcha have better things to do?!-- he exclaimed his flusteredness increasing.

--I'm waiting on some equipment to finish running a few formulas to dilute Agent Rainbow-- she replied nonchalantly,shrugging a little-- I'm just killing time

--I'm going out, 'M gonna practice my aim-- he grabs his jacket haphazardly thrown on the one person sofá and walks to the entrance to his cabin muttering-- so Next time I throw something at you I actually hit you square in the face -- he of course didn't mean it. He was trying to look all tough and manly, rosemary didn't buy in his threat.

Meanwhile, Max had just arrived at his house, muttering under his breath. The door of his house opens a little too roughly, he closes it with a slam and locks it. His jacket is thrown to the nearest chair and as he goes to the fridge he says-- weird chemicals, governent conspiracies...the hell did you got into now Nyaagard.

He takes out a beer and opens it hitting the underside of the bottlecap on the corner of the table-- Unbelivable...

Sitting down on his couch, he sighs audibly, he lands roughly against the cushioned surface. His feet propped up on the coffee table, he looks at the ceiling taking a swig from his drink.

Max's eyes dart to the phone Next to the TV. He had to at least try and call Madison, let her know he would be out,make sure his little girl was alright.

Another sigh falls past his lips yet again. Swirling his beer he takes another sip and stands up, leaving the bottle on the coffee table and picking up the phone

Soon he dials up the number of his ex-wife's home and he anxiously knocks on the wooden surface of the dresser where the phone and TV rested on.

A woman picks up,he knows the voice--Hello?

--Hey...-- He starts.

--Im hanging up

--No wait! Look, Can I just talk to Maddie? I gotta leave for a job soon and I just want to hear her voice

Theres a short but heavy silence that Is interrupted by his ex wife calling out to Madison. A smile appears on his face as he hears his daughter's excited steps up to the phone.

--Daddy!-- Madison exclaims.

--Hello sweetheart-- Max says softly, a kind of softness reserved just for his kid-- how are ya?

--'m fine! Oh I had this thing happen to me at school n'-- Max diligently hears his daughter go on a rant for a solid ten minutes, smiling tenderly.

When she finished he adds-- thats really interesting sweetie, Hey lissen, Daddy has to go away for a bit. I'm not sure when I'm comin' Back but.. I love ya sweetheart

--Love ya too daddy! Good luck!!

He chuckled and said his goodbyes to his kid, then his ex wife adds-- whatever you do,be carefull

--I Will, Keep her safe for me

--Will do

He hangs up and lets out a heavy sigh. Scratching the back of his neck, knocking on wood one last time before returning to the sofá and resume his drinking.

By sunfall Rosemary had the exact formula, she was nothing but efficient. She would spend the rest of the night up until she managed to dilute Agent Rainbow. Next morning Lucas would find Rosemary passed out on her desk.

As the sun rises and Lucas makes his way to the coffee machine, he barely got any sleep at night. Night terrors wouldn't leave him alone.

But, he had to focus on the good things. He was a step closer to saving desmond, and...he could see his crush before plunging into the uncertainty and almost certain death of his mission. Lucas decided to start by having breakfast and leaving a mug of coffee besides rosemary.

He pats her back shaking her a little-- Rose? Wake up. I made ya coffee

The scientist grumbles that she would wake up soon and he finished his own coffee, making his way to a duffel bag to Grab some of his clothes and walking up to the bathroom, he had to get ready for the day ahead

[many-lovely-queer-creatures]

The KPS:

"Hello and heya!! My name's Vivian. Vivian Vex. (She/They) Transfem butch/futch/femme Cyborg/Cybernetic Succubus, but who I am doesn't revolve around sex and violence (anymore). It revolves around humor, VERY dumb memes like that barely qualify legally as memes, MLP, Fallout, Halo, and loving and supporting the people around me, not least of all my 15-year Partner and love of my life, Zander<3 I'm a surrogate mom to a lot of people, and will do almost- and will do *anything* to protect trans kids, trans people, or any marginalized folk. I love you. And I'm proud of you. I'm glad you're here<3"

"Hiya!! :3 My name's AlexZander Maxwell Belmont, (They/He/She/Cat) transmasc genderfluid catboy/catgirl/catenby! I'm a mage from the tropics, and beneath my 'Smol evil catte bean >:3' persona, I'm very soft-spoken, and try to be kind and understanding towards everyone, as does Viv, my Wife and love forever<3 I like Half-Life, fresh fruit, Halo, and being outdoors! prrrbt prbt :3"

"Good Evening, I assume. My name is Professor Yarrow or Wilson (depending on my mood) Turingley Hrothwell. Pronouns are He/They. I'm chief of research and development, and head of Psychologistics at the Kintsugi-Pentimento Society. I enjoy tea, research (particularly into plurality and other mental matters) and spending quiet moments with my loved ones: My partner Zander, and my wonderous GNC son Jonas. Warm regards, Yarrow/Wilson."

"Hai!!! :D My name's Pinkie Pie, and I'm a kinda ace-spectrummyy bisexualish lesbainish pony with she/her and im trying out pink/pink pronouns!! Im the most recent member of the system, and i love everypony here! They're all so nice and friendly and supportive, oh, I really like sweets and parties and Twilight and soda and baking and making friends and candy and everything! Everywhere! If I could, i'd give everypony in the whole world a biiiiig hug!! I LOVE ALL OF YOU, DONT FORGET TO SMILE AND DO STUFF THAT MAKES YOU SMILE! LOVE YOUUUU!!"

"hey. my name's Jonas. Jonas Kujo. some of my friends call me Shen, or sometimes Jojo. Aroace, he/they pronouns please. im a pretty soft, quiet dude. but... i love trans people. my people. I'll do anything, and fight anyone for you. Pinky promise. i have a fire in me that won't go out. I'm a JoJo. and I'm gonna save the world."

Not pictured/without comment: Smiley, a Yes Man fictive who helps out when other folks are under a lot of emotional toil, and has repaired me several times after stress damage<3 -Vivian

"Howdy! Ah'm Workhorse, an Applejack fictive, she/her. I'm just now startin' to stretch my legs, but y'all might hear from me soon. Take care, y'all! :D"

Raer Gorebeest, It/Its/Itself, is a Wendigo who enjoys drawing with crayons, scaring people, biting things, and and many other violent possibly triggering actions, but don't worry!! It's actually very sweet and lovey, and kinda just a big kid! -Zander

All others didn't want a spotlight, but are still as much a part of the family as an others. Feel free to ask about us and stuff, we're pretty open, friendly folks.

[thechangeling]

But you like her better: Part 2

Sorry it's been a minute! I hope you like it.

Cw: Some brief ableism, mentions of internalized biphobia, and self injurious stimming.

2013

It was raining when 16 year old María Machado Sotomayor first met Kit Herondale.

Marí had always loved the sound of the rain. It was peaceful and rhythmic, creating a nice tingly feeling in her skull running straight down her spine. It also good for the plants. Which meant that Marí arrived (on time for once) at her favorite class in a pretty good mood.

Marine biology was their one of their three special interests, the other two being lacrosse and Base guitar. So Bio was usually pretty fun for them. However this time was different.

Her mood was instantly dampened when she walked into class and saw someone new sitting in her usually seat. A blond, short and white kid who looked far too pretty for his own good. A new kid most likely.

A new kid who didn't realize that Marí always sat by the window every single day. It was their spot. Still Marí was determined not to overreact. They marched over to the new kid  and approached him with their best masking smile.

Remember eye contact. She told herself. Keep your tone light and breezy but not too lifeless. Smile. Appear friendly and non threatening. Try not to sweat. Try not to scream.

"Hi excuse me," Marí began in a sickly sweet tone. "That's actually my seat! Sorry!"

The boy instantly looked embarrassed and apologetic. "Oh I'm sorry!" He blushed. "I didn't realize there was assigned seating." He had an American accent, California maybe?

Wonderful. A white American boy. Just what they needed.

Marí chewed their lip and fought the urge to rock or tap. "There isn't actually," they admitted. "I just usually sit there. So can you please move?"

Now the new kid looked a little offended. A cold look settled over his face. "Well why should I?" He bristled. "This seat isn't really yours. It's not like it has your name on it."

Marí rolled her eyes in frustration. "I tried that already but then I got in trouble."

He stared at them curiously for a moment. Marí took the opportunity to break eye contact finally and scuff their heel against the floor. They were wearing the new black suede chunky heels with the gem stones that Marí had gotten when they went thrifting with their friends.

"María!" The harsh voice of her teacher snapped her back into reality. Everyone had arrived and taken their seats while she was arguing with the American and now everyone was staring at her. "Could you please explain why you are not seated young lady?" She snapped in her extra pretentious sounding posh English accent.

The one that said, "I'm better than you."

Marí tried not to growl at being called a young lady. They weren't feeling particularly female today. Not that Marí was going to bother explaining that to some old British hag.

"He won't get out of my seat!" Marí protested. Instantly laughter broke out around the classroom. Cruel mocking laughter that made Marí feel like her skin was crawling.

"It's ok!" The new kid cried out, practically jumping out of Marí's seat. "I'll move! I'll go sit over here." He grabbed his bag and moved to the back of the room as quickly as possible.

Marí smiled in spite of themself. His random act of kindness was surprising, but they were grateful. They took their seat near the window and sighed in relief.

Marí would always look back on that day with fondness no matter what. It may not have seemed like much to him, but it meant the world to her. After Bio class she had asked Kit to come eat with her and her friends. They had made their introductions and the rest was history.

They became close friends very quickly, bonding over movies and music. They sent each other playlists of their favorite songs and songs that reminded them of each other. Marí made Kit a queer playlist with songs by queer artists and told Kit that they were bisexual and a demigirl. They hadn't even told their friends that last part yet at that point.

Marí also told Kit that they liked to use she/they pronouns, but so far was only using them online. Kit asked Marí a lot of questions then confessed to Marí that he was also bisexual but he was still kinda getting used to it.

"I grew up in a shitty situation," Kit had told them. "I guess I still have a lot of shame."

Marí didn't hold it against him. She bought him queer literature and resources for queer history including "Bisexuality and Queer Theory" and her printed copy of the article published in the 90s called "The Bisexual Manifesto." She gave him advice on websites and people to follow online.

They also just talked. Talked about life and their experiences. Their feelings and their relationships with their sexualities. Bonding with another queer person was always special but spending time with Kit always made Marí feel so...light.

Despite how close they were getting, Marí didn't always want to touch him. They were touch averse in most cases unless they were very comfortable with someone. Sometimes it just depended on the day. On the days where Marí found they could not hug Kit they had invented their own way to show affection.

They would place a hand over their hearts and tap it, as if to say "I care about you" or "I love you." Sometimes Kit would say "tap my heart" as a substitute for actually doing it.

He introduced her to his close friend Janessa, the wayward vampire who was incredibly hot and kind of made Marí all nervous and tounge twisty at first. But as they got to know her, Marí realized that she was also incredibly kind, passionate and clearly cared at great deal about Kit. Janessa was a gamer who had named herself after a video game character. She drank cups of warm blood in novelty mugs with giant swirly sparkly straws and was pretty good at making people laugh.

Janessa, or Nessie as Kit had affectionately nicknamed her, was flirtatious and charismatic, but also brutal and deadly in a fight. She was full of surprises. And maybe, just maybe Marì was a little bit into that.

However as much as Marí didn't want to admit it, they were also were starting to realize that they were way more into someone else. Someone with perfect golden curls that Marí wanted to curl their fingers into.

Eventually Kit came out to Marí as genderfluid and requested that she use alternating he/they pronouns for them. They both made the decision to collectively tell their friends their pronouns. Marí, Kit and Nessie sat around her gorgeous leather couch and talked for hours about gender, identity and transness. Kit pointed put that they may never be able to fully explain their gender to the other two, just like Kit might have a hard time fully understanding Janessa's relationship with gender, or Marí's because everyone was different.

"It's personal Nessie," he had said. "Everyone has their own unique perspective on gender and every trans person has their own complicated feelings about gender and what their own gender identity means to them, and those feelings might not completely match up with another trans person's. But that's ok. You don't have to understand the other person but you do have to respect them."

Janessa's understanding of gender came from being a trans women. It was about a strict  binary with clear lines and rules. Rules that Kit was starting to make a habit of fingerpainting all over and Marí could tell that it was stressing her out.

And Marí had no idea where the hell they fit in these rules. They had stopped playing the game.

But those two loved each other more than anything, and Marí knew they could work anything out. And sure enough approximately seven hours and four margaritas later (only two for Marí,) they had come to an understanding.

2014

She kissed Kit for the first time a month into the new year.

They had been trying on clothes in Marí's room and Kit was wearing one of their old dresses that Marí thought they looked amazing in, but Kit wanted to give it away. It was dark navy blue and sparkly with spaghetti straps, coming to about mid thigh. There were cut outs on the sides, filled in with black sheer fabric, and it had a low v cut at the neckline which was also filled in with black sheer.

Kit had been infodumping about one of the Marvel movies again, Marí couldn't remember which one, and she had kept getting distracted by his tan smooth skin peaking through the sheer fabric and fullness of Kit's moving lips. He smiled excitedly and Marí had stepped forward and kissed him.

Their first thought was that Kit tasted like chocolate. Their second was that they should have done this months ago.

Kit had melted into the kiss, smiling slightly against her mouth and pulling her closer. They kissed her feverishly, sliding their tounge inside Marí's mouth and moaning when she deepened the kiss eagerly. They moved against each other with almost lazy, comfortable precision, kissing each other for what could have been hours or days or maybe only seconds.

Marí couldn't have said.

When Kit finally broke the kiss and pulled away from Marí, his eyes were practically gleaming with joy and love. And that was when they knew.

I love him.

2015

I love him.

Ty's words ran in her ears. Repeating over and over again, maddenly bouncing around inside of her skull until she was forced to utter out loud,

"I love him".

They whispered it under their breath but Marí could tell that both Alyssa and Ty had heard them. It was so quiet you could probably hear a pin drop.

But of course. Of course he does. It was obvious. This whole time Marí had noticed there was something wrong with Ty. Just like there was something wrong with Kit. The way they stared after each other when they thought the other one wasn't looking. The loving and worshipful glances mixed with the bitter glares.

Marí had already known that Kit was in love with Ty of course. But the way they had told the story made it seem like they were positive that Ty couldn't be in love with them.

But then again maybe that made sense. Given Kit's history and who he was. But then Marí couldn't help but think of Ty and how confused he must have been. God it was a giant mess.

Speaking of...

The room was still silent. Marí found that she couldn't read Ty's expression as he stared back at her flatly. But his body was shaking, his fingers fluttered at his sides. She wanted to soothe him.

They stepped forward carefully. "I'm not mad at you," Marí assured him. "I was hoping we could talk?"

Ty's left eye twitched. "We are talking," he pointed out. Alyssa snorted.

"Ty, they mean about the proverbial bomb you just dropped a few seconds ago," Alyssa said with a laugh.  Marí smirked to themself slightly.

It wasn't really a bomb. More like a flare.

She really needed to talk to Ty. The only problem was Alyssa had an annoying tendency to never leave his side. It wasn't like she had a problem with the girl. Of course not. But her presence meant that Marí hadn't had the opportunity to talk to Ty one on one.

They cleared their throat. "Alyssa could you please give Ty and I some space to talk?" They asked. Marí hoped they didn't sound too rude. Alyssa looked to Ty and he nodded slightly, signaling that he was ok with her leaving.

That was so strange to Marí. Their relationship. The way Alyssa, a werewolf who hated shadowhunters even more then Marí did, essentially took orders from him and clearly trusted him more than anyone else. But perhaps she wasn't one to judge.

After all, she loved Kit.

Alyssa left the room with a pat on Ty's back and a quick, "call if you need me." Marí shifted their weight back and forth as they rocked slightly from side to side as they waited for Ty to speak.

He stared back at her silently, most likely doing the same. Marí blew out a loud breath and forced herself to stay still, crossing her arms.

"Are you going to say something or should I?" Ty asked expectantly. Marí bit their lip and shrugged.

"I'm still thinking of what I wanna say," she admitted.

Ty smiled at her softly. "So am I."

There we go. Cracks in the armour.

"I'm sorry," Ty whispered suddenly. "I never meant to-"

"You don't have to apologize!" Marí blurted out. Whoops they had interrupted him. "Oh shit sorry you were still talking!" They reached for their hair nervously and realized that they were wearing that Morticia wig for their costume.

Great. Marí moved on to chewing on her knuckles.

"It's ok," Ty reassured her. "I don't really know where I was going with that sentence. And you shouldn't do that." He pointed to her hand.

Marí scoffed, "yeah well you shouldn't dig your nails into your palms." He glared at them and they laughed.

"Not so fun playing a game of Mirror Image is it?" They teased. Ty didn't respond, just stared at Marí solemnly.

"You know I really admire you," he said, aiming his gaze close enough to hers to create the illusion of eye contact. "I always have. I never wanted to hurt or upset you."

Marí wished for a brief moment that they could touch him and then shrugged the impulse off. "I know love," they cooed. "Me too."

Without really understanding why, she pressed her hand to her chest directly above her heart and tapped, just like how she did with Kit. Ty studied Marí for a moment and then followed suite.

Marí in spite of themself, actually felt bad for him. They could clearly see the toll the last three years had taken on him, specifically the last few weeks. Maybe his family couldn't see it, and they definitely knew that Kit couldn't, but Marí could.

Marí of all people could see past the mask because they knew what masking looked like. It wasn't just about appearing normal, whatever that word meant. It was about hiding your feelings. Taking that heart you wore on your sleeve and locking it up tight. But everytime Marí looked at Ty, they could see it. And it was bleeding.

Ripped and bloody and broken, just like her own and yet they both still had the sheer audacity to keep breathing. Marí was proud of them both.

"You need to talk to him," Marí prompted. "You both need to be honest with each other."

Ty furrowed his brow. "Honest? About what? He doesn't feel the same way." He had gone back to flicking his fingers as he stared at her, looking puzzled.

Bloody hell between the two of them, Kit and Ty were giving Marí the mother of all headaches.

They took a deep breath. "Yes they do Ty," Marí tried not to sound exasperated. "Kit is in love with you, believe me. They told me."

It hurt Marí's heart to have to say it, but it was true and Ty deserved to know the truth. And they knew deep down that Kit wouldn't really be happy, he wouldn't be Kit until he had Ty. And Marí had to make their peace with that.

Ty looked understandably confused. He ran a frantic hand through his hair. "But why are you telling me this? Why are you helping me?" He asked. "Don't you love them?"

She fought the urge to cry as tears gathered in her eyes. She found herself digging her nails into her palms despite chastising Ty for doing it a few minutes ago.

"I'm telling you all of this because I love them" she cried desperately. "Because Kit cries out your name in his sleep Ty! Because everytime he sees you, he stares at you like you are the moon the sun and the stars! Because everytime you speak they hang onto absolutely every word, and when you laugh-" Marí cut herself off.

They squeezed their eyes shut and took deep long breaths. Ty said nothing. Marí opened their eyes to see Ty staring at them in dismay. He looked like he was trying to think of what to say to help.

Marí shook their head. "I know Kit loves me. And they probably always will. We were close friends even before we started dating." Marí groaned and shook out their entire body this time, jumping up and down a few times as well to get rid of the tension. If Ty thought this was weird he didn't comment on it.

Marí wiped her eyes carefully trying not to smudge her mascara. "But you Ty?" His eyes refocused on her again at the sound of his name. Marí chuckled humourlessly. "Fucking hell, he is in love with you. And right now he is thinking that you hate him and I know it's tearing him up inside."

Ty stared at Marí hopelessly, looking overwhelmed and exhausted. "So what do I do then? What am I supposed to say?"

Marí shrugged. "I can't help you with that I'm sorry. It has to come from you." Ty looked even more panicked.

They gave him what they hoped was an encouraging smile. "Don't be scared Ty," they murmered. "It's Kit remember. They're not scary. You have nothing to worry about."

Ty didn't answer her. He had wrapped his arms around his body, squeezing tightly. "Marí do you remember those dead moon jellyfish we buried on the beach?" He asked.

She was a little confused as to why he was bringing this up now. "Yeah? Why?"

"That's what I feel like right now," Ty admitted. "Like I've washed up on the beach and now I'm just waiting for someone to come along and step on me."

Marí's heart sank. "Oh Ty," they breathed. "I promise that won't happen with Kit. I can't make any promises for anyone else, but I do know that Kit has absolutely no intention of hurting you again love."

Ty looked pensive. Marí could only hope that Ty would make the decision to trust them.

With a sudden jolt Marí remembered the party.

"Hey we still have the Halloween party to go to," she said, shaking Ty out of his stupor. "Do you still wanna go?"

To their surprise, Ty nodded. "Sure. I think Alyssa might kill me if I back out now."

Marí snorted. Alyssa Reyes could be pretty terrifying at times.

With surprise Marí found that their spirts were lighter having cleared the air with Ty and with the prospect of a party being renewed.

She smiled. "All right then let's head out!" Marí smoothed down the long black wig over her shoulders and quickly smoothed out the long skirt of her black slinky dress before turning and exiting the training room.

She knew that she would have to talk to Kit at some point and that conversation would be brutal. But at least they could have one last night together.

It's better this way. Marí told themself as they walked back towards the main living room where everyone was gathered.  At least now Kit can be happy.

It's for the best.

It has to be.

So I'm actually planning on writing a part 3 from Kit's pov because the drama isn't over yet! 😏

Tag list: lmk if you wanna be added/removed.

@playwithravenclaw @lavender-scented-rat @jazzkaurtheglorious @waterlillies   @nott-the-best @stxr-thxif @magnus-the-fabulous-entp-bane @foxglove-airmid @littlx-songbxrd @clarys-heosphoros @queenlilith43 @arangiajoan @hardlymatters @thomas-gaypanic-lightwood @tired-vin @phoenix-and-dragon @the-blackdale @adoravel-fenomeno @the-wckd-powers

[snellyfish]

May I ask..... what is in your post game V3? I dunno how to ask this without sounding weird.

HM!!!!!!!!! GOOD QUESTION;;

I mostly only have braincells for Kiyo and Angie so not a lot of my thoughts are straying from that unfortunately LMAO, I was able to branch off a bit answering this though so thank you for indirectly helping me develop more!!

But I like to think it's the same scenario as the second game where it was all just a simulation. I know what I fantasize about is a VR AU and that "postgame" tends to refer to the survivors but literally none of my favorites survived so reality can be whatever I want: postgame Shinnaga is so canon it's unreal!! I'm sure there's probably a VR fic for them somewhere out there in the world, I wouldn't know because I suck at reading fhdjfk, but I would love to write my own someday HEH

-------------------------

They'd all wake up one by one as they die and end up all in the same facility where they're taken care of by the Danganronpa team, unable to leave until they’re well again due to the contracts they signed prior to playing-- Meaning Angie wakes up, Tenko wakes up a few hours later, Kiyo another few hours later, etc. Angie jumps back pretty quick from things so she'd be already VERY excited to see Kiyo*  after watching the trial, mostly because Angie like immediately caught onto what his sister really was to him (HINT: CONTROLLING AND AWFUL) and yelling at her screen saying "GOD WILL SMITE YOU ALL FOR PICKING ON THE WEAK" at everyone just calling him some incestuous freak during the trial. Angie does have genuinely incredible intuition (thanks god!) so she looks past the fact he murdered her Scarily Fast. Everyone would definitely mistrust and hate Angie even more as she tries to preach to them afterwards about Kiyo and how they need to forgive him since he’s a victim and God (most important opinion) already forgave him, but no one ever listened to her anyway especially postgame so it’s all in vain 😔

*whom might take a bit to wake up and fully acclimate again because...idk this man was boiled alive that's kinda Fucked I think all the executed would take longer to wake up because they went through more lengthy + traumatic deaths I guess? This just means even more time for Angie to sit on her thoughts about what happened to her+Kiyo yuh yuh

Everyone becomes a mix of their pregame selves and the identities they were given, they'd end up being mediocre/average (sometimes bad) at what their handpicked talent was but a lot of them still keep up doing it until they DO become good again. A very small amount of them try to replicate their killing game outfits and kinda live off the high of being what they once were and accomplished in their fake memories, like Miu and Himiko. (this also makes me think about Irumeno a bit more 👀) Pretty much every single one of them in pregame saw themselves as nothing, being disposable enough to be in a killing game (even if it turns out to be virtual), so the new identities would overpower the mix for the most part since they’re the more intensified and dramaticized personality--IF THAT MAKES ANY SENSE LOL.

--Angie absolutely never stopped her art and has a less intense view on Religion, since garnering more experiences in life she’s just be less intense in general I'd think; more open with her emotions in that she'd actually cry, but still very manic and bubbly and optimistic nonetheless. After getting help (mostly from Kiyo who deals with the same thing), Angie is able to differentiate her thoughts and desires from “God”’s thoughts and desires, YEA she still has a funky little friend in her head. She's not AS pushy especially not with her equally traumatized fellow killing game participants but she still absolutely gets her moments of intensity and assertiveness now and then if she thinks something God is telling her is absolute truth and for the betterment of everyone: she is still Angie afterall, truly believing everyone would be much happier with her God in their lives but having enough self-restraint to know everyone will just push her away further if she tries to help them in that regard. She has her moments of desperation but most everyone’s too far gone from her already.

--Korekiyo is such a complicated one--I do like to think of pregame Kiyo as transfem/nonbinary and that would partially stick into his postgame identity in some way...killing game Kiyo was Just A Dude but after becoming the mix of the two identities he'd be VERY confused, especially with the influence of his (simulated) sister's influence. (genderfluid time? :)) He'd have varying degrees of when his...sister...alter...thing...comes out, or is present in his head in any regard, she'd be gone or slowly disappearing from his mind for months at a time and he'd initially be extremely unstable about it because he feels extremely isolated and lost when he can’t talk to her, but he's got Angie by his side so he becomes significantly less stressed about it over time, learning to cope with it. Eventually he finds himself no longer dependent on sister and...has to learn a SECOND time to not be unhealthily dependent; on Angie this time. (funky little idea I’ve been wanting to draw/write about sometime...hnnrngm) They’re both miracle workers when it comes to each other’s mental health it’s kinda insane. Of course, after realizing that Sister never really existed, he harbors near-immediate guilt for having murdered Angie and Tenko once he’s alone with his thoughts, not being puppeteered by sister, realizing everything he ever did he did for HER and realizing how fucked it all was pretty quickly--he does crave interacting with his victims in a positive and healing light but he’s sort of traumatized by it all to the point he is TERRIFIED when they’re around him at first.

--Tenko ends up EVEN MORE protective and grudgeful after she wakes up, trying to shield everyone and everything from most of the blackened, absolutely makes Kiyo manage to feel like even worse shit when he's got 1 extremely supportive and loving woman he killed and 1 extremely spiteful woman he killed who might legitimately murder him in return if he’s not careful. Tenko never makes amends with Angie and becomes close with Himiko (who's close with Gonta despite Tenko's wishes (she hates him for killing Miu, local woman)), managing to keep Himiko far far away from Angie, not only for "stealing" Himiko in the Student Council but also for the fact Angie's glued to Kiyo's side--making her the second least trustworthy person to Tenko..

--Himiko is very traumatized after the game due to surviving all the way til the end, likely making her (along with Shuichi+Maki) very disillusioned and lost--unable to decipher anything from fiction or reality--it takes a long time for Himiko to really “accept” anything; tried to cling to both Tenko and Angie but ends up just stuck on Tenko, mourning the loss of her friendship with Angie while doing so. Himiko would probably be shoved away from Gonta at first as well, but Tenko felt a lot more confident in Gonta so after a long while of her aggressively trying to teach him manners and keeping an emotional deathgrip on him whenever he wants to interact with Himiko, they’d end up close friends again. Still thinking about Irumeno-- Also with the whole ~~Survivor Delusions~~ thing, I think that helps play into Himiko’s attachment and insistence to keep up her old magician identity, because she has a very hard time trying to tell what’s real n fake ykno, and it takes her a while to realize she doesn’t have her talent anymore; absolutely ending in tearful breakdowns and unending determination to find herself again by forcibly trying to improve and push herself to her limits.

For the most part Kiyo and Angie are outcasted from everyone else, a lot of that being due to Tenko's preaching but...also everyone just doesn't understand what actually happened to Kiyo and they are all deathly worried about Angie, but not enough to get themselves involved; they're scared of Angie too, afterall, not as much as they're scared of Kiyo but ykno-- They think her naivety and determination to “fix him” is going to get her murdered again, every day they’re just counting down the minutes until it happens again. (spoiler alert: it doesn’t)

I could ABSOLUTELY go off more but I really have to end this at some point so fhdsjkfds--

TLDR;; Angie (and God alter) forgive Kiyo almost immediately. Sister alter likes to disappear sometimes making Kiyo sad and unfortunately dependent on Angie. Both Kiyo + Angie help each other heal and recover from their issues. Tenko hates both Kiyo + Angie with a passion and protectively forbids Himiko from seeing either of them. Himiko is close friends with Tenko and Gonta and Maybe More with Miu.

[non-binharry]

hi asia! hope you’re well. absolutely no obligation to answer this but i had a general gender question (about myself) and i don’t have many queer friends to turn to atm. adult genderfluid person here, and i’ve been noticing the way my gender sometimes feels in flux in accordance with what i’m wearing. so like gender identity and gender presentation are obv two different things that can interrelate but like specifically i’ve been trying out more “feminine” things that i always shied away from when i was younger bc some instinctual part of me knew i didn’t love being coded as a feminine binary woman (unfortunately it also manifested as some nlog energy but i digress), including dresses and skirts and i’ve found myself wishing and wishing i could be a man wearing dresses every time i’ve done so and then was always like well i know i’m genderfluid like i still do feel connection to other forms of identity so it’s not that i’m necessarily a trans man. and then i was sorta like wait duh i’m genderfluid maybe i can be a sort of man when i feel like it? but then i worry that that’s invalidating of like other identities that aren’t fluid so idk i guess i’m just here spilling my thoughts bc i’m confused. at other times i’ll be wearing a binder and baggy shorts and be like i am the womanliest woman to ever woman. which i guess now that I’m typing it I’m like okay if i were my friend i would be like dude this is valid but bc it’s me I’m like ~no other ppl’s identities are all valid but i must be faking it for attention (even tho I’m literally closeted) etc etc~ also sometimes i feel way more comfortable just performing “femininity” if i feel like i “look like a boy” (quotes bc this is all socialized) i’ll be more flamboyant in my expressions etc. does this even make sense? and when i “look like a girl” i’ll often manspread and talk in my lower register and i don’t even think that’s like a conscious decision on my part it’s just what feels comfortable. so am i just comfortable like not fitting neatly into presentation categories? is that part of my gender fluidity? are questions I’m asking myself, obv not trying to like put all this on you (even though i am in your inbox, ahh i just find you really really comforting and supportive and affirming as a trans poc!)

anyway sorry for long rant, i’m in a totally okay and like stable spot and no worries if this is like not something you can respond to for whatever reason! i don’t really even know where i’m going with this other than I’m confused and sometimes i might want to be a boy? but usually it’s when I’m presenting as feminine? do i just like fucking w peoples minds?? does that matter is that even a meaningful distinction??

anon, i wish i could apologize a million times over for how long it has taken me to respond to this message, and frankly, it hurts me when you all are like "you don't have to respond" because i worry that my lack of response will make you think that's the option i've chosen lmao i've been so devastatingly busy with work and life lately when i do find a moment of quiet i can't even find a way to articulate anything other than "harr style big tittle" like a caveman

that being said, i love you, and i'm in love with you. i think you're doing exactly what a funky little fluid fella would do and should do and could do and i don't think you should doubt yourself for one minute because fucking with gender is sort of exactly what you're designed to do.

the thing is, your presentation is for yourself, even if no one else gets it. it's an expression of your gender identity, whether that's a fluid man in a dress, or a woman in a binder and baggy clothes, but that's YOU, and that's you expressing yourself how you best can. you're never going to nearly fit into anything, and that's the point. i don't want you to stress over thinking so much whether you're faking it because you're not, you're just experiencing yourself how you're meant to be. and i think that's neat.

i hope you're still around and see the response to this message because i do get the feeling that you are very settled into yourself despite whatever curiosities you may have, but it's always nice to have some reassurance and i'm here to say you're doing great 💗

[shadowedmoonlight]

3 Times Virgil Came Out to Others + 1 Time Someone Came Out to Him

I am aware that I am a few hours late, but this is the longest oneshot I've ever written

Day 3: Coming out

Warnings: Food mention, talk of sexual attraction (In regards to asexuality), anxiety, disassociation (brief)

Summary: In which the story gains a plot ft. fluff and hurt/comfort

Word count: 4025

Read on Ao3

Masterlist

1.

Virgil hadn’t been this terrified in a long time. He knew that being gay shouldn’t be that big of a deal, in regards to his two gay fathers, but he couldn’t stop the terrifying thoughts from running through their head.

What if they thought he was too young to have figured himself out? They were only fifteen after all. Is he even sure they're gay? And what would they think about the pronouns thing? Vigil had no idea where their dads stood on transgender rights.

They had planned to do it after dinner. That way he could have one last dinner of peace in the unlikely event of something going wrong. It's more likely than you think they’re gonna kick you out, you’re gonna have to live on the streets

Emile had made spinach lasagna that night. Virgil’s favorite. But he could hardly enjoy it due to the nerves stirring in his stomach. Instead, he moved the food around on his plate and attempted to pay attention to the conversation occurring before him.

He believed his dad was telling some dramatic story about some lady that came into the coffee shop. They normally would be completely invested in that sort of thing, but they just couldn’t focus with all the thoughts running around his head.

What is he gonna do if he gets kicked out? They can’t live on the streets. He can barely work a stove. How would he live on his own? Maybe Remus or Janus would take him in? No, they have their own problems. They shouldn’t burden them with his own problems. But how would he-

“Virgil? What do you think?” A voice cut through his spiral.

“Hm- wha-?” Virgil couldn’t recall for the life of them what he was supposed to be responding to. He looked up to see his parents both looking at him concernedly.

“You feeling okay, hon? It's not like you to space out like that,” Emile asked.

Virgil winced. He had to learn to be less obvious to when they were stressed. “Yeah, I’m fine. Just a little tired.”

They still looked doubtful. “Are you sure?” Remy raised an eyebrow.

Virgil nodded and tried for a small smile. He didn’t think it was successful, however, when his parents exchanged a worried glance. His leg bounced slightly under the table. Why couldn’t they relax?

Emile started to collect the dishes but paused when their eyes landed on Virgil’s still-full plate. He glanced again at their husband, and then their son.

“Maybe you should head to bed early tonight. You hardly touched your food. You might be coming down with something.” Virgil saw Remy stand up as his Papa spoke. He offered them a hand.

“Babes, I think that might be a good idea. You’re looking a bit pale- well, paler than usual with all that foundation you cake on. Don’t think I don’t notice.” Virgil blushed, slightly. His experimentation with makeup had been one of his ways to tone down their glaring masculinity.

In response to the first statement, maybe it wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world to put this off another day. They weren’t sure they had enough energy or confidence to go through with this. With a little hesitation, they grabbed Remy's hand and hauled himself to their feet.

Emile smiled sadly at their son’s submissiveness. He had to have been really tired with the way his eyes kept wandering. They abandoned the dishes they were holding, grabbed his other hand, and started leading Remy and Virgil upstairs.

Virgil blinked and suddenly he was in their room. They sat between his parents on his bed. Emile had them leaning against their side as Remy rubbed soft circles into his back. His eyes darted around in confusion.

Remy glanced down and let out a sigh of relief. “Welcome back to this plane of existence.”

Emile smacked their husband lightly. “Sorry baby, we didn’t want to leave you alone while you were disassociating.” Virgil’s eyebrows furrowed slightly. They didn’t remember going into an episode.

Remy kissed his forehead and stood up. “We’ll leave you to your peace now. Let us know if you need anything.” Emile began to follow.

Virgil bit their lip. Was he really going to go through all this stress just to chicken out? He took a breath. He was strong. They could do this.

“Wait,” they called out, lightly. “I need to talk to you about something.” His parents halted in their place in the doorway and came back to sit next to them.

“What is it, babe? Did something happen?” Remy grabbed one of his hands.

“No, not exactly,” Virgil said. His breath was starting to stutter.

“Take your time,” Emile said, softly.

Virgil attempted to calm their breathing. It's highly unlikely that this will have a bad outcome, half of his brain rationalized. They are gay themselves, after all.

Yeah, but what about the pronoun thing? The other half argued. You have no idea what they’ll think of it.

Virgil took another deep breath and opened his mouth to speak. They may as well start with the easy one. “I’m… I’m gay.”

Remy placed a hand on his chest and sighed dramatically. “Oh thank god,” he exclaimed. “I’m not sure I could have handled it if I had to raise a straight son.”

Emile smacked him again. Virgil winced slightly at the word ‘son.’ Remy seemed to notice his discomfort and scooted closer. “Of course we love and accept you and everything, but that's all kind of obvious considering, well,” he lifted his hand as wiggled his ring finger, “Is there something else on your mind?”

Virgil nodded, “I, um, want to start using different pronouns. He/they.”

Emile lit up. “Ooh, we can match!”

Virgil’s head shot up. “What?”

Both Emile and Remy looked confused for a second before a horrifying realization dawned on them.

“Did I- never tell you I’m non-binary?” Emile asked, tentativly. They were sure they told Virgil at some point.

Virgil couldn’t help themself. He started to laugh hysterically. After a moment their parents joined in.

“I’m sorry- I just- I’m fifteen years old and you never thought to tell me that vital piece of information?” Virgil wiped tears from his eyes as he continued to giggle.

Emile was bright red. “Trust me, I’m mortified.”

Remy groaned. “That makes two of us.”

Virgil snorted. “I was so worried about how’d you react and this whole time you’re the same thing.”

“Oh honey,” Emile exclaimed. “You should never be worried about telling us something. We support you no matter what.”

“Of course,” Remy added. “What kind of hypocrites would we be if we said otherwise?”

Virgil pulled them both into a hug. “You’re the best parents anyone could ask for.”

2.

Sanders High School had an interesting dynamic. There were two main groups that everyone at school was invested majorly in. Most, if not all, of the gossip in school was directed at them. They were envied. They were hated. They were idolized. They were the closest thing Sanders High ever had to celebrities. The Dark Sides and The Light Sides.

Everyone that saw them would assume they were the rivals. Bickering and prank wars were constant. Classroom debates between members could last hours if not moderated. Each group consisted of three members.

First up is Roman Prince, the flamboyant jock and theater nerd. He was the first kid at school to break through harmful gender stereotypes. Before he came to school, any boy that joined theater was seen as weak and nerdy. Roman was the first openly gay kid on the football team- as quarterback no less- and the first jock to join the drama program. He was unapologetically himself in everything he did. He often came to school in skirts and dresses and there was rarely a day he could be seen without his signature red lipstick. Despite his smashing of stereotypes, Roman is the only cis kid in both the light and dark sides (not that everyone is out to the school like he is, or even to each other). He has the most social media followers out of anyone in the school, and was the one to first publicize the two groups. Roman is a proud member of The Light Sides.

Next is Patton Hart, the bubbly, adorable student council president. Everybody loved Patton and they loved everybody. Patton is one of the kindest kids in the school. He’s always willing to drop everything to help somebody or cheer someone up. They met Roman when they were young and they’ve been inseparable ever since. Some might say they’re dating, but a select few know otherwise.

Last in The Light Sides is Logan Berry. Logan is objectively the smartest kid in school. He is rumored to be taking all AP classes. How that’s possible, no one knows. Everyone knows that Logan will be Valedictorian at the end of the year. There’s no other logical choice. Somehow, even with all that, they also manage to be co-captain of the debate club. Patton and Roman somehow managed to rope them into their small group sometime during elementary school. Again, how that’s possible, no one knows. Logan is extremely stone-faced to people they're not close with. Some think he might be a robot with how emotionless he is most of the time. Those people, however, have never seen him with a jar of Crofters. (But if they knew their secret, everyone would think so).

Over in the dark sides, we have Janus Lies. Genderfluid icon. Their coming out started a revolution of sorts at Sanders High. So many kids came out as non-binary or genderfluid or something in between, the school ended up getting rid of gendered bathrooms entirely. A new genderfluid locker room was built in the PE building and the academic teachers revised their gendered way of teaching. But, back to Janus. They were the most sarcastic person you’d ever meet. So much so, it became difficult for people to tell if they were telling the truth. Their trademark hat and gloves stayed on no matter what the occasion. They also co-captained the debate club with Logan. They grouped together with Remus and Virgil before anyone could remember, including the three dark sides.

Remus Prince, twin of Roman Prince, is the extremely crude drama student and class clown. They are known for their dark sense of humor and sexual disruptions of class. The teachers have learned to just ignore them, as countless trips to detention were fruitless in correcting their behavior. Although they privately came out before Janus, they were more private socially when it came to their gender. Until that is, Janus came out and was accepted. After that, Remus showed no limits in expressing themself.

Lastly, there is Virgil Picani, the emo nightmare themself. He is in almost every club at school, including but not limited to drama, debate, GSA, writing, and volunteering. His sarcastic personality is no stranger to anybody, although it is much more subdued than Janus’s. Virgil came out to Janus and Remus before he had even fully figured himself out yet. He had not, however, come out to any of the light sides as gay or genderqueer.

And that brings us to today. As mentioned earlier, anyone that saw the two groups would assume they had a strong rivalry. But that couldn’t be farther from the truth.

The reality is, although they did start out as rivals, the six of them have a strong friendship. They keep up the facade of competitors for sake of reputation (and a little fun never hurt anybody). Once Roman and Remus had gotten over their sibling rivalry, the six of them had discovered that they shared many of the same interests. They started hanging out after school and now it is rare to see one of the group without another.

Virgil knows that he has nothing to worry about. Roman is gay, and both Patton and Logan already use he/they pronouns. They accepted Janus and Remus without question. It won’t be any different for him. All they actually had to do was tell them.

But here lies the issue. Virgil thought they had already. It wasn’t until the first day of pride month that he realized their mistake.

They decided to make pronoun pins for all the kids in GSA. So, naturally, he made one for himself as well. They weren't publicly out yet, but it was perfectly okay for them to wear them inside the safety that was the gay-straight alliance.

Virgil was struggling to attach his pin to their shirt when Janus came over to help. Virgil noted the blue bracelet. Janus looked surprised as he read the contents of the pin.

“You told them?” He asked, incredulously. “I thought you would tell me when you finally did it.”

Virgil was confused. “What do you mean? I came out to them… shoot.”

Janus snorted. “You totally don’t need to tell them. This isn’t getting out of hand at all.”

Virgil blushed red. “I honestly thought I did! I’ll do it now, okay?”

They didn’t wait for a response before marching over to Roman, Logan, and Patton and dragging them outside of the classroom. He ignored the curious looks of their classmates, most likely wondering what they were fighting about this time.

They closed the door behind them and looked around quickly, making sure there was no one else around. He turned back to the group that was looking at him, slightly concerned.

Virgil rolled their eyes at their expressions. “Oh calm down, I just forgot to tell you something, is all.”

Logan cleared their throat and straightened up. “And that is?”

“I genderqueer, he/they, and gay.”

“Yay!” Patton exclaimed and pulled him into a hug. “I’m proud of you for being yourself.”

Patton pulled back and Virgil caught the expressions of the other two. Logan was looking at him with a delighted expression on their face. “I had my suspicions.”

Roman furrowed his brows. “So did I, but I must ask, why wait so long to tell us? Surely you knew that we would accept you wholeheartedly.”

Virgil snorted. “I actually did the same thing my Papa did with me. I thought I told you all ages ago.” They all laughed at that.

“We should probably get back,” Logan remarked, “Thank you for trusting us enough to tell us this.”

3.

Virgil felt nervous, but not extremely so.

He knew nothing would go wrong. So many kids had come out in the past year at Sanders High, the school had made pronoun pins mandatory to avoid misgendering. All they had to do was wear the new pin he had grabbed from the office the day before. He also planned to wear a rainbow shirt to identify themself as the flaming homosexual he is.

The only real thing they were worried about would be the gossip surrounding them for the next week or so. Someone coming out is hardly a rare occurrence, but they were one of the most popular kids in school. He was certain that there were at least a few bets going around school on whether they were queer or not. To be fair, he was the only member of the Light and Dark sides to never confirm any rumors about gender or sexuality. And it's not as if he’s really hid anything. He’s just never confirmed.

But they’re ready to change that. They pull on their rainbow shirt, do their makeup slightly more dramatic than usual, and debate for a moment over the plaid purple skirt his dads had gotten him a few years ago. It matched his usual hoodie perfectly, but he had yet to wear it outside the house. There was no reason not to wear it. Why not spend his first day publicly out AGAP (as gay as possible)?

They arrive at school with an air of confidence around them that he hadn’t felt in a while. As he walked through the hallways, he saw a few looks of disappointment, but most were of excitement and joy. They caught a few thumbs up and cheers in the crowd as well.

He found the other two members of the Dark Sides standing at Virgil’s locker, both wearing identical looks of pride as they stared at him. They walked directly up to the pair, smirking slightly. Once he was within earshot, Remus grasped their head with one hand and Janus’s shoulder, striking a dramatic pose.

“Do you see that Jan Jan? Our little slime monster is all grown up!” Virgil rolled their eyes at their best friend’s antics. Janus lifted their wrist to show off her pink band. Despite the new rule about pronoun pins, Janus still kept her bracelet system in place. She claimed it to be simpler and more efficient.

She slung her arm around Virgil’s shoulders. She leaned in and said in a low voice, “I really am proud of you.”

Remus jumped on his back. “That makes two of us!”

+1

Virgil had always enjoyed Logan’s company. They were the only person out of the group of six that allowed him some peace.

He could also be a captivating conversation partner. Listening to Logan ramble on about whatever he was currently studying was one of Virgil's favorite pastimes. The way his eyes lit up when you asked him about something they were interested in was adorable. And his voice would take on this gorgeous tone to it that Virgil knows not many people get to hear.

Their weekly study session was the thing that Virgil looked forward to the most. Every Thursday, they get to spend hours in a room with the most beautiful person he knows. They love the way Logan will straighten his tie or fix his hair even when they’re both immaculate. He loves the way they slowly and patiently explain the answer to something Virgil gets wrong, never criticizing them or getting frustrated.

Virgil may have developed an itty bitty crush on them over the years.

Not that they will ever tell him. They don’t even know where he stands on sexuality. He has only been open about their gender. And he doesn’t want to complicate their relationship for the sake of some silly crush.

The two of them sat in Virgil’s room doing homework. Logan sat on their bed, while Virgil had opted for the floor. They had hardly spoken a word to each other in the past few hours (a normal occurrence for their weekly get-togethers), but Virgil could tell something was bothering Logan. They’d been fidgeting for the past hour or so, and had seemed tense and nervous all day.

Virgil placed their bookmark into his book and groaned loudly. “If I have to read one more word of this, I think my eyes might literally start bleeding.”

Logan also marked their page before looking up. “That is highly unlikely. The amount of force that would cause one's eyeballs to ‘literally’ start bleeding is far more than would be caused by eye strain. Additionally, subconjunctival hemorrhage has not been linked to overuse and is instead usually caused by some sort of trauma to the eye. So unless you are planning to hit yourself in the face with the book, it will not cause your eyes to hemorrhage.”

Virgil huffed a laugh, internally cooing at how adorable they are when explaining something. “I guess you’re right. I can’t read anymore though.”

Logan cleaning their glasses on the edge of his shirt. “I agree with that statement.”

Virgil looked at him closely. Cleaning their glasses is a sort of nervous tick for him. And they had done it multiple times in the last hour. “Okay, what's going on? You’ve been nervous and weird all afternoon.”

Logan cleared his throat. “Nothing of importance.”

“So there is something!” Virgil exclaimed.

They blanched. “No, of course not. What would be wrong at the moment?”

Virgil gave them a look. “I never said that there was something wrong.”

Logan stood up quickly and started gathering his materials. “Well, it’s getting late. I must head home now in order to be at dinner at an adequate time.”

Virgil grabbed their arm. “Wait, Logan, there’s still hours until you need to leave. If you really don’t want to talk about whatever’s bothering you, we don’t have to. But if you do, I’m here and ready to listen.”

Logan shot them a grateful look. “I truly appreciate that Virgil. I will keep your offer in mind.”

They resumed their study positions and all was silent for a few minutes. Virgil couldn’t keep their mind off of Logan. He hoped that whatever was troubling him could be resolved easily. He didn’t want him to be distressed.

Eventually, Logan stiffly placed his books beside him and turned to their study partner. At the shift in movement, Virgil also put away their materials and prepared to listen, moving to sit next to them on their bed.

“I would like you to not speak until I am done speaking if that is acceptable for you.” Virgil immediately agreed. They would never interrupt him when they were having such a serious conversation.

“My sincerest gratitude. I-” Logan paused. They took a stuttering breath. Virgil reached out and took his hand, attempting to provide some form of comfort.

“I am not a robot. I know that there are some that may think otherwise. Aside from the vast technological inaccuracies in that statement, contrary to popular belief, I do have emotions. I do experience love. Just not in the same way as others do. From a young age, I have known that I have felt no sexual attraction. The idea of sex repulsed me far more than I can explain, even past the age of maturity. I have no desire to love anybody in that way. And I never will.

“I was under the impression that the same went for romantic attraction. I had never felt any sort of romantic feelings for a female. But recent… variables have shown me otherwise. I do not feel any romantic attraction for people of the female gender or sex. I do, however, experience attraction to people of the same gender. These people fall under the male and non-binary spectrum. In conclusion, I am asexual and homoromantic. I am finished, you may speak now.”

Virgil was delighted by the news. They had just confirmed that his crush could possibly be attracted to him. They didn’t care about the asexual part. It changed none of his feelings towards the academic prodigy.

They made the mistake of staying silent for a moment too long. That became evident when he looked at Logan’s face. Any positive feelings he had melted into concern.

“Oh, Lo,” they said softly, “You’re crying.” He brought his hand to Logan’s cheek and wiped away the silent tears that had trickled down with their thumb.

Logan's voice wobbled as they spoke. “My apologies.”

“No,” Virgil cooed, “you have nothing to apologize for. You’ve done nothing wrong. You’re accepting yourself and I am so proud of you for that.”

That seemed to be all it would take for their dam to break. Soft sobs escaped his mouth and he brought up a hand to try to muffle them.

Virgil made a sympathetic noise and wrapped them up in their arms. He cupped the back of Logan’s neck with one hand and used the other to rub soothing circles into his back. Logan gripped their hoodie tightly as they cried into their shoulder.

Virgil whispered quiet words of encouragement to him. Eventually, Logan seemed to finally be calming down. His tears dwindled into quiet sniffles and they sagged into his chest. The emotional exhaustion of the day in addition to the exergy expelled by crying made him unbelievably tired.

Virgil shifted the two so they were lying down on his bed, Logan cuddled against their chest. They could feel his breaths evening out rapidly.

Virgil pressed a small kiss into his forehead, wishing more than anything that they could do it when Logan could remember.

Let me know if you want to be added to the non-existent tag list!

[lindwyrmrelinquished]

So....what are some of your headcanons for Ranbutler?

OHHHHHHHHHH BUDDY, YOU ARE OPENING YOURSELF TO A WHOLE NEW CAN'O'BEANS HERE

OKAY SO FIRST OF ALL-

(everything else under the cut because there is a L O T )

Butler's human form is predominant(which unfortunately means he does not have a tail :(), but he can make Ender noises/speak Galactic. He's got a bunch of stims and tics, and making the Ender noises is one of them! He often makes them to fill the silence, or in times of high emotion(positive or negative. just imagine a Butler bouncing on his toes while excited Ender chirps keep coming out of his mouth, or he's rambling about something and half of it is layered with Galactic). Following from that, Butler has something that Billiam calls the "monochrome form". If he's under high levels of stress, whatever dark tint of color is in his right side will start spiking into the left side, making his skin darker(and, if he has enough color in his skin from NOT FUCKING OVERWORKING HIMSELF, it can get dark enough to blend into shadows) and spreading from the little black scales on his neck and cheeks and hands(which are already claws, that's why he wears gloves), and if he's really stressed/pissed, little horns are gonna start poking out of his skull and he's gonna be completely gray/black, his teeth are already deadly but they're gonna get sharper and if you look him in the eyes he will s c r e a m and very likely tear you apart if Billiam isn't there to hold him back/calm him down.

Speaking of! Butler very much dislikes eye contact. It makes them extremely uncomfortable and the Ender part is gonna start screaming to attack attack attack and the pupil-slit thing is gonna happen. Unfortunately, he's frozen by the eye contact and cannot move of his own free will, it's all going to be instinct to either get away or attack, if he moves at all. And the moment the eye contact is broken, he starts to calm down and all the screaming in his head starts to dissipate, so he doesn't really get the chance to consciously act on the Ender side's instinct.

NEXT OF ALL, throwing canon out the window and saying BILLIAM AND BUTLER ARE FOUND-FAMILY. The way they acted in the episode is just that, an act. In reality, they actually Care each other Very Very Much and have adopted each other into their respective hybrid groups(i.e Endermen have their hauntings, Piglins have their sounders{that part's not canon to mc but i yoinked it from a fic}). Hubert jokes about how Billiam accidentally adopted Bu as his son, but both Bu and Bi deny this. Hubert also got Liaria and James in on the joke and now these two are being constantly triple-teamed.

ON THAT NOTE Liaria and James know about the Egg. It happened at the tail end of Bu's first masquerade when they started accusing Billiam of committing all the murders, and Bu kind of panicked and outed himself as the killer, he pulled out the knife and everything. Billiam admitted that he knew about this, and showed them the Egg as explanation. Now Liaria and James willingly give up their bought lives to the Egg on the regular(we might get into the lives thing later{it was also something i yoinked from a fic, and then I gave it more explanation}) to keep Billiam and his family alive, but they're not all that affected by it due to not even being near it half the time.

AND ON THAT NOTE, let's talk about Butler's relationship with the Egg! Bad. It's bad. Absolutely terrible, the two despise each other immensely. I like to say they're the closest thing to caliginous that a teenaged hybrid that lived off spite and an ancient crimson demon can be. The Egg's hurt Bu a lot, and honestly that's part of the reason his contempt and fear for it is so high. But that's also part of the reason why Billiam was pulled out of its influence despite living right above it. Because he cares for Bu, a literal child that's suffered severe mental and physical trauma at the hands(well, vines) of the Egg. Honestly? Billiam wouldn't be the way he is now if he didn't have to take trips to the Nether. Short explanation, too much time away from their home realm gets hybrids really really sick. So, about a few months or so after Bu arrived, he had to yeet back there for a week and just told Butler and Hubert to take care of the mansion. And you know what Hubert did, that bitch? He took advantage of both Billiam's absence and Butler's skill and pampered himself while throwing the entire load onto the child. And then like halfway through the week, he got the idea to introduce said child to the Egg, who before then has had no idea it ever existed aside from the crimson red aura around the mansion(it's a whole thing about Endermen and magic but again, another thing I might get into later). He hadn't even attended a party before then. So, yeah, Hubert just left him down in one of the old cells for three days. Didn't even check on him, that bitch. And then when Billiam game back, suffice to say he was PISSED. He may be a rich bastard who causes murders biweekly, but even he has standards, and hurting a damn 7-8 year old child that bad was not one of them. he can't be held responsible for child labor, bu followed him home by his own choice. again, another whole backstory thing

Bu's genderfluid! He usually switches between he/him and they/them, and the direction he nods is a little indicator of which one(up for gender, down for no), but sometimes he uses she/her. Adding on that, due to Weird Enderman Genetics, he can manipulate his hair to grow real fast and likes to experiment with it in the mornings for Maximum Gender Euphoria This means that one day his hair could be barely touching his neck, and the next it's all the way down to his waist. It's a fun little anomaly and sometimes Billiam likes to play with it when it gets longer :3 travelling on the lgbt train, Bu is also ace/aro! This doesn't have much impact story-wise(usually), but it's just a fun little tidbit :3 On other, more Ender notes, he has pretty much all the traits an Enderman does, even if he looks fully human aside from being 6 inches taller than Sir Billiam himself. With the eye-contact thing, I've got a headcanon that Endermen can kind of read minds to an extent if they look into another entity's eyes, but it gets loud and borderline painful if anything but another Enderman does the same. Meanwhile, Bu's about the perfect mix of an Enderman and a Human(later called Players and Villagers depending on their capabilities) to be able to take at least a few seconds of eye contact. He can also teleport! To about the same extent as Endermen, if not a little less. Unfortunately, spending too much time in the void between teleportations(i.e a few hours for him, though an hour in the void is a minute in reality. It's why teleporting happens in the blink of an eye to anyone but the user) has some adverse effects. Bu's either glitched, gotten some sort of void-sickness like a flu but worse, and/or lost large chunks of memory each of the separate times he stuck himself in there for too long. Pure-blooded Endermen have a longer tolerance, but even they can succumb to the void with enough time.

Bu's also hurt by water, and the first time Billiam really figured this out is when he dragged him to the roof because it was raining and for some reason, Bi really likes the rain. Bu, on the other hand, was hospitalized for a day once Billiam actually realized, "oh, he's burning" Unfortunately, Bu can still produce tears, so he's got some scars on his cheeks and hands from those, Luckily, though! Billiam got him some gloves and a facemask reminiscent of cc!Ranboo to hide those scars because bu's. really self-conscious about them :,D

But also he's got TOE BEANS,

[ahem] So Endermen are basically giant block-holding teleporting cats and no one can convince me very much otherwise. So on the one hand, they have giant hands shaped for holding blocks. On the other hand, T O E B E A N S

So Bu's got beans on the pads of his fingers and feet(which also end in claws with a black gradient because Peak Character Design <3). Billiam likes to hold his hands on the rare occasion he doesn't wear his gloves because mans likes to stim with those toe beans. Meanwhile Billiam himself has nicely-textured hands because of his Piglin hooves and Bu also likes to stim with them, so just. them holding each others hands for mutual stimmage

[ahem] anyway

Bu stims!! He flaps his hands and does thing really rapidly and harshly when he's really high-strung, which doesn't happen often, at least in front of people. Boy's got anxiety so he's had his fair share of panic attacks :,D he just knows how to disguise them so people don't see, but Billiam knows the signs at this point. But he also has a lot of vocal stims/tics, mainly lots of Enderman noises, some popping and a little screechy thing here and there. Sometimes he picks up a sound and then repeats it a whole bunch because it feels nice on the tongue :] there's also these poofs of particles that happen when he's happy, they look like mini purple fireworks and they're like an expulsion of magic, he can feel when they happen and it feels nice :]

(cw for self-harm in this paragraph and the followed copy-pasted convo)

[ahemhemhem] So y'know how Butler's an Ender-hybrid? His hands and feet reflect that(along with the ears, the eyes, the height, the abilities, but we're talking about about the hands here). Part of why he keeps those gloves on almost 24/7 is to dull his claws, which are not so much an intentional danger to others rather than an unintentional danger to himself. He's got tics and stims and is very neurodivergent and has anxiety(me projecting? noooo /hj), so he gets very nervous very easily. And one of his nervous habits rather than wringing his hands, fidgeting, and (if really bad)a heightened amount of tics, he tends to scratch at his arms. His claws can tear through the fabric easily, and more than one or two suits have been sent back to the tailors for repairs to the sleeves. However, having both padded sleeves and padded gloves nullifies that, so he always wears them special-made. If he didn't have that habit, he likely wouldn't have the gloves on as often as he does.

Friend Hey good headcanons 👀👀👀👀👀👀👀 Also ohhhh my god Billiam fussing over him and his gloves until he gets them to be the right amount of padded where Bu can still do things but also not hurt himself

Me gbfhdgbhgsfhbgsfdhdf He keeps examining them every time the tailors try but it doesn't feel right until That Specific Try so he just plops the gloves back on the counter and says "Do it again"

Friend They spend an entire day doing nothing but making gloves while Billiam & Hubert take turns watching Butler to make sure he stays safe

Me Absolutely Problem is Butler can feel eyes on him. And eyes make him nervous :,) so when he gets nervous. he starts to scratch at his arms again and anxiety is too much for him to ask them to stop watching him

Friend It ends up with them just having to hold his hands, looking at random things (they can go sit on the balcony or something so they have something pretty to look at)

Me That hold on actually that's adorable-

Friend Fhhdjdjdjsjsj they're friends your honor

Me Absolutely Even Hubert contributes to keeping him safe. And Hubert's afraid of even being near Butler

Friend And then we get bonding via the oh no Billiam is busy and Hubert has to take care of Bu for the next 3 hours

Me GHDSFGSHFGS THAT IS A GREAT IDEA Butler insists he can do everything himself, nothing's different about the routine, and then he has a mental breakdown when he tries to make food without anyone else in the kitchen- Cause usually Hubert's there, even if he's making something else. There's at least another presence, and that's the sort of thing that's calming for Bu. But Hubert's off setting up the table for lunch/dinner or something and Butler makes One minor slip-up and spirals from there until he's struggling even handling spice mixing The same thing happened with cookies one time, and both times Hubert found him borderline unable to function because he panicked too much and helped him out of it.

Friend Butler is just curled up in the kitchen, trying to have a quiet panic attack because he can't cause the others any more trouble than he already is, and Hubert is very quietly upset about helping him because he was doing so good at avoiding Bu but here he is again being the only thing that's letting this kid breathe

Me Absolutely

Friend Do you think Bu passes out on him? Like Hubert (probably reluctantly) gives Butler a hug cause those help, and Bu was just supposed to stay there until he felt better, but panic attacks are exhausting and he fell asleep at some point-

Me Oh my gods he would though, especially with the amount of sleep he gets He'd have to try so hard to even stay conscious, much less do things in the manner he usually does, and Hubert just quietly tells him that it's okay to sleep; he'll take care of everything. Hu never forgets that of course Bu's always in danger around him - he has fleeting thoughts and quite often knows how to act on them - but he stands up holding an exhausted child and takes him to his room so he can rest. Butler may want him to stay; Endermen usually want someone around when sleeping. It's the security of having someone watch for nightmares, but Hubert doesn't stay. He has to go back to the kitchen and finish that meal Bu was making. But if he's still asleep by the time Hu's done with everything, he might linger outside his door, listening in for anything bad.

(Okay the cw is over now, you may now go back to your regularly scheduled content :,D)

Also, one last thing: Billiam gives Butler a bunch of gold things(including the masquerade mask) because that's what Piglins do with their sounders, they cover them in gold to show they care. And after Bu finding out the reason why Billiam's been handing off a bunch of gold things to him he does not cry, because that would hurt his face, but he does feel quite a lot of things that make him want to because holy shit Billiam feels the same

Butler is Billiam's sounder and Billiam is Butler's haunting, they are family your honor

[dervampireprince]

Ok this isn't a horny ask but I saw your pinned post and how you described your identity, and I wanted to say something! Based off of how you described it, you could use the term Genderfaun if you wanna be specific. Ofc, use what you feel comfortable with, but I just thought that maybe you'd wanna know that there's a term specific for your experience!

oh yeah i know the term genderfaun! i have actually used the flag in the background of an old profile pic. i didn't mention the term in my pinned just because idk most people won't know what it means. but also, my gender identity is... i'd just rather say i'm a man.

when i first started identifying as genderfluid i would say i switched between male and female, and then after more and more time i never identified as female and only male and i know looking back i didn't ever feel female i just was scared as being trans. and then i would keep having moments of feeling maybe not exactly like a boy and it took years to accept that maybe i felt non-binary in those moments and then that yes i did feel non-binary in those moments and i felt comfortable and confident being non-binary.

as of right now? i haven't felt a gender other than male in a long time. i made that pinned post in may 2021 back when things were a little more in flux. and yes sometimes that's how genderfluidity goes, you can switch every hour or every week or sometimes you might stick as one gender for years and then switch again. and it's hard when one gender stays for a long time to think 'okay, am i still genderfluid?'. what if my gender never changes again? does that mean i'm still genderfluid and i'm just staying this gender forever? or does it mean i never was genderfluid and was just using it as a stepping stone to work out that i'm binary trans? if i feel non-binary again will i call myself a fake trans boy because how can i align myself with trans men if i've ever felt non-binary?

genderfludity is hard. i wish i never identified as it. it makes me have endless imposter syndrome. i look at the genderfluid flag i took down from my wall a while ago and think do you belong here any more? am i genderfluid any more? and i know it's okay if i'm not, i know others change labels... but when you're changing from genderfluid to something else, when genderfluid includes everything... when you're one gender you think okay this is what i am now and i was a horrible faker before for thinking i was anything different. and then you switch and you have a moment of being confident oh yeah i am genderfluid, until you're back in one identity for a long time and think yeh actually i'm just this.

so... i've honestly thought about erasing that from my pinned post for a long time. my bio used to say 'genderfluid trans man' and i took genderfluid out a while ago. over the past 3 years i have identified as male 99% of the time. i look back at times i felt non-binary and i know in those moments i genuinely felt that, but it's hard because me right now can't think of being anything other than a boy and wonder that well maybe all the time's i wasn't sure that i was a boy was just internalised transphobic self-doubt.

sorry, i know this isn't the response you wanted. it's sweet you wanted to reach out. i think honestly i've been hoping people never read that part of my pinned post. i've just kept it in because i don't want to have a day of feeling non-binary and post about it and then have people be all confused or accuse me of lying about being a trans man. but i don't know if i'll ever feel like anything other than a boy again. and if i think too hard about it, about my gender, then i just get overwhelmed and upset.

i don't know how to tell if i'm not genderfluid any more when genderfluidity can be as broad as meaning you're one gender for a few years and then another for the rest of your life. i know that deep down i hope my gender never switches again because it's just less stressful for me that way. i get less hate that way. i am less confused with myself that way. i'm more accepted that way. i can love myself more that way. and this blog is the first time i've been always called a boy and treated like a boy and maybe i needed that to finally settle and be comfortable being a boy. i say this as an account of mind currently has a genderfuan flag bg and at the time i made that icon last month i was comfortable with it then.

so i just say i'm a trans man. that's what i am. i just want to be a boy.

edit: and see now im already like nonono be confident being genderfaun like fuck you brain why can’t you just pick, and if you’re not going to pick then why can’t you be happy being genderfluid/genderfaun?? why’ve you gotta think no one will call you a trans boy anymore or respect you? am i having a post-fluidphobia crisis? because the amount of fluidphobia i experienced last year was ridiculous and look if you ever saw me call myself pan in the past and now i call myself ombi or bi yeah well the omni flag is cooler to me, fits better, and maybe also i couldn’t think about being pan without feeling sick because i had just seen too much panphobia that i couldn’t associate the word pan with anything good any more for myself 

[splendidlyimperfect]

we are unbreakable - chapter 16 [a surprise visit]

It’s been thirteen years since Natsu and Gray met in a program for troubled youth - since they both fell apart and helped put each other back together. Now they’re married and happy, loving each other and the shared family they found. But the past doesn’t always stay past, and when the things that broke them come back into their lives, Natsu and Gray have difficult decisions to make - ones that could change their lives forever.

Chapter Summary: Gray visits Neelan in rehab.

Chapters (16/?): 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 Rating: Mature Relationships: Natsu Dragneel/Gray Fullbuster, Rogue Cheney/Sting Eucliffe, Laxus Dreyar/Freed Justine Characters: Natsu Dragneel, Gray Fullbuster, Rogue Cheney, Sting Eucliffe, Freed Justine, Laxus Dreyar, Wendy Marvell, Chelia Blendy, Ultear Milkovich, Lyon Vastia, Lucy Heartfilia, Cana Alberona, Original Characters, Original Child Character(s) Additional Tags: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Aged-Up Character(s), Hurt/Comfort, Angst, Fluff and Angst, Married Couple, Established Relationship, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Past Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Drug Addiction, Mental Health Issues, Foster Care, Family Issues, Grief/Mourning, Childhood Trauma, Bipolar Disorder, Adoption, Families of Choice, Nonbinary Character, Trans Character, Genderfluid Character, Forgiveness, Absent Parents, they're really in love but are sometimes dumb, Natsu is a stubborn shit Series: Part 15 of the only hope for me is you, Part 3 of if you jump i'll break your fall

-----

Sunshine Health Recovery Center looked more like a luxury condo than the hospital Gray had been expecting. It was a long, squat building with brick siding and floor-to-ceiling windows, and the gravel parking lot out front had a path leading down to the beach. The ocean lapped against the sand under a bright blue sky, and it calmed some of Gray’s nerves as he parked the car and turned off the engine.  

He glanced down at his phone, smiling at the lock screen photo. Natsu had changed it a while back to a picture of the two of them at the top of La Grande Roue on their anniversary. Gray was smiling at the camera, but Natsu wasn’t looking, instead kissing Gray on the cheek.

A text from Natsu popped up on the screen and Gray swiped it open. It was a selfie of Noah and Natsu at the playground, both sticking out their tongues that were bright purple from the popsicles they were eating.

Natsu [13:47] love you snowflake, call me when ur done ok? kick my dad in the shins if hes an asshole. noah says hi and hugs & kisses xoxo

Gray smiled, sending back a quick love you, too before putting his phone back into his pocket and opening the car door. He stood and stretched, inhaling the familiar scent of salt and sand. Then he turned to stare at the front door of the building and the letters painted above it in a bright, cheery yellow.

He took a deep breath, exhaled slowly, then headed inside.

“You must be Gray!” The woman at the front desk – Rebecca, Gray assumed – gave him a cheery smile when he walked up. “I’ll just get you to sign in here, Neelan’s down in the common room.”

The hallway past the admin desk led to a large, open area filled with chairs, couches, and tables covered in books and board games. Neelan was sitting at one of the tables, rolling a stress ball between his hands. Gray hesitated, hovering by the door and watching him. It was so easy to see Natsu in him – they had the same eyes. Eventually Gray took a deep breath, then made his way across the room and slid into the chair across from Neelan.

“Hey.”

Neelan looked up, eyes widening in surprise, and the ball rolled away from him and bounced to the floor. Gray leaned down and picked it up, turning it in his fingers a few times.

“What are you doin’ here?” Neelan’s voice was rough, and he looked down at the table, scratching at an invisible mark in the wood.

“Honestly, I’m not sure,” Gray admitted. “I got your call.” He rolled the ball across the table and Neelan caught it before it bounced away again. An awkward, charged silence hung between them. Neelan looked up at Gray eventually, eyes filled with regret.

“I’m sorry,” he said softly. “I know it doesn’t mean much, but I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

“I know.”

“Is Natsu…?” Neelan trailed off, picking at his fingernails as he glanced over Gray’s shoulder.

Gray shook his head. “He’s not ready to see you right now.”

Neelan nodded, face tight and eyes downcast. “Why are you here, then?”

Gray ran his hand through his hair, looking pensively at Neelan and trying to figure out what to say.

“I was in court a couple days ago,” he said eventually. “At a parole hearing for my brother. He’s been in jail for fourteen years.”

“What’d he do?” Neelan asked.

“Drugs,” Gray replied. Neelan winced, squeezing the ball tightly between his hands. “He made a lot of mistakes,” Gray continued. “Hurt me really badly. Almost killed me, actually.” Gray could see Neelan searching him for signs of what had happened, and he shook his head. “It’s a long story and I don’t want to get into it. But when I saw him in court…”

He paused, looking around the room. It was empty except for them and one of the staff who was sitting at a table near the door. The large window on the other side of the room looked out onto a small garden, and as Gray watched, a flock of sparrows burst from one of the trees and took off into the sky.

“I forgave him,” Gray said. Neelan frowned. “It took me a really long time to see that what he did happened because he was in a lot of pain. It was awful, and it hurt like hell, but it doesn’t mean he’s a monster.” Gray looked straight at Neelan and added, “And neither are you.”

Neelan dropped his face into his hands and took a shaky breath. The gesture was so familiar – so Natsu – that it almost hurt.

“I didn’t want to be right about you,” Gray said softly. “All I’ve ever wanted is for Natsu to be happy, and he missed you so much. He just wanted his dad in his life.” Gray nudged Neelan’s foot under the table. “What happened?”

Neelan sighed, rubbing his eyes and staring at the table. “I didn’t know Becca was pregnant until she went into labor and called me,” he said. “We weren’t together. And then after Natsu was born, it was just… she couldn’t be a mother. She tried on and off for a couple years, but it was too much. She ended up leaving town with some new guy, OD’d after a while.” Neelan chewed his lip and looked up at Gray. “You ever heard a baby cry that’s coming off meth? It’s the most heartbreaking sound. Natsu—fuck, he was so little. He’d have fit in my hand when he was born.”

“He had these seizures ‘til he was ‘bout six months old,” Neelan continued. “Scared the shit out of me. I thought he was gonna die, and… I mean, I never wanted a kid. My dad was a piece of shit and I thought I’d turn out like him. But the first time I held my son, I wanted to be better. For him.”

Gray thought of the picture of Neelan in the hospital, looking down at baby Natsu with eyes full of love. “So why did you leave?” he asked, leaning forward on his elbows.

“I wish I could give you a good answer,” Neelan said sadly. “I tried; I really did. I visited him all the time. We read books together and he loved it, and he’d sit on my lap and laugh, and it made me feel like the most important person in the world. The foster parents always told me what a hellion he was, but I didn’t care. He was mine and I loved him so much.”

Neelan’s wistful smile disappeared as he looked up at Gray with a heartbroken expression. “I just couldn’t be who he needed,” he said. “When it was good – god, it was perfect, and I was sure he was gonna come home with me, and we’d be a family together. But then it got low, and I couldn’t – I wasn’t safe. Didn’t know how to deal, and drugs made it easy, and then…”

He trailed off and Gray’s heart twisted as the pieces fell into place. He studied Neelan for a moment, then said, “Natsu has it, too.”

Neelan’s eyes widened. “You mean…”

“Bipolar disorder.”

Neelan swore. “Of all the things he could’a got from me, had to be that.”

Gray nodded, rubbing the back of his neck. “It’s been really, really hard for him. He hesitated, then added, “And for me.”

Neelan’s expression made Gray feel like he was back in the hospital with Natsu, the year after they’d gotten married and Natsu had relapsed, hard. It was the eyes – they both had the same dark, scared, uncertain look.

“I love Natsu more than anything in the world,” Gray said, playing with his wedding band. “And his story is his to tell you, if he wants to, but I think…” Gray sighed. “He had a really, really shitty time, and yeah, some of that’s your fault. He’s had a lot of times where he thought he couldn’t make it. But he’s still here, and he’s doing so well, and I’m so, so proud of him.”

“He’s better than me,” Neelan said, eyes wet. “He’s lucky to have you.”

“That’s the thing,” Gray said. “He has what you didn’t – support. Friends. A family. And when he didn’t have that, things went bad.” The memory of Natsu bleeding out on the floor of the supply closet popped into Gray’s mind.

“I’m glad he has you,” Neelan said. “I dunno what I’d do if he turned out like me. I guess that’s why I never came back, y’know? I thought other people could take better care of him than me. An’ then… god, thinkin’ somebody hurt him.” He swallowed, looking up at the ceiling. “I’m so sorry.”

“I know you are,” Gray said. “And I think Natsu knows, too. You’re going to have to be patient, though, and give him some time. He might never be ready. He’s really hurt and disappointed, and I’m not letting you off the hook for that. But…” Gray paused, thinking of Lyon’s face when Gray had said I love you. “I think you can be better. You’re getting another chance, like Natsu did. And even with all the shit he went through, he’s done amazing things.”

Gray pulled out his phone and opened his photos, flipping to one of Natsu at the playground with Noah. Neelan’s expression softened as he took the phone carefully from Gray and gazed at Natsu’s face.

“That’s our friend’s son,” Gray said. “His parents were addicts, too. He sees his mom, sometimes, but he’s got a good home now, and great dads. He’s a bit of a handful, but Natsu is amazing with him because he gets it, and Noah’s improved so much over the past couple years.”

“He looks so happy,” Neelan said quietly. “Natsu, I mean.”

“He is,” Gray said. “He’s amazing with kids, even with all the trauma – sometimes because of the trauma. So you can’t use that as an excuse to not be his dad.”

Gray gestured for Neelan to keep scrolling through the photos – Gray had saved all his favorites just for this. One was of him and Natsu at their wedding, looking out over the ocean. Another was of Natsu carrying Sylvie on his shoulders after her first day of kindergarten. There were pictures from Christmas with grand-maman and grand-papa, Thanksgiving at Freed and Laxus’ place, summer days at the park with Sting and Ryos and the kids.

Neelan flipped through them slowly, and when he got to the last one, he stared at it for a long time. Natsu was sitting in front of a Christmas tree with four-year-old Sylvie in his lap. He was holding a book in front of them, and Sylvie was snuggled up against him, almost asleep against his chest. The look on Natsu’s face was soft and open, and the memory made Gray smile.

“That was our first Christmas together,” he said. “Sylvie – our niece – was four, and she adored Natsu as soon as she met him. She’s seventeen now, and he’s still her favorite person.”

A small smile crossed Neelan’s face, then disappeared as he looked closer. Natsu’s sleeve was pushed up in the photo, and the bandage on his forearm from his suicide attempt was visible.

“Did he…” Neelan looked up at Gray with a grief-stricken look on his face. “He didn’t. Please tell me he didn’t.”

“That’s his story,” Gray said gently. “He’ll tell you when – if – he’s ready. I wanted you to see that because it was his first real Christmas, the first time he’d had a family since you left.” He took the phone back from Neelan and looked at the picture with a small smile on his face.

“I’m so sorry,” Neelan said, voice full of regret. “You both have every right to hate me, and I know Natsu doesn’t want to hear from me right now.” He picked up the stress ball and started to play with it again. “I should have done this—” he gestured around them “—a long time ago, but I didn’t really have a reason to get better until I met you two. And even if Natsu never talks to me again, I’m gonna get sober.”

Gray’s hand unconsciously moved to the letter that he still kept in his pocket. It was so long ago that Freed had read out nearly the same words from Lyon.

I know there’s nothing I can do to repair things. I’m going to be in here for a long time, and that is entirely my own doing. It’s probably for the best. I’m clean now, for what it’s worth. It makes the past clearer, though, and I can’t overlook the terrible things I’ve done.

“Natsu might never be ready,” Gray said, watching Neelan’s expression shift from relief to regretful acceptance. “But I didn’t think I’d ever forgive my brother, either. I can’t make any promises, but Natsu has the biggest heart of anyone I know, and if any person would be able to forgive you, it’s him.” Gray tapped the table and gestured around them. “This is a good start. You need help, and you need other people.” He thought of the first time he’d met Natsu, when he’d been angry and scared and convinced he was better off alone. “We all do.”

Neelan nodded, playing with the hospital bracelet around his left wrist. The two of them sat in silence for a while, listening to the sounds of birdsong outside the open window and watching the light play across the floor as it filtered through the trees. Eventually Gray’s phone buzzed, and he looked down to see a message from Freed.

“I have to go,” he said, standing up and tucking his phone into his back pocket. “My friend is waiting for me.”

Neelan pushed himself up as well, leaving the stress ball on the table and shoving his hands into his pockets. He kept his gaze on the floor. “Thank you,” he said gruffly. “I’m sorry again. I’m gonna do better.”

“I know,” Gray said. He hesitated for a moment, unsure if he should shake Neelan’s hand, then decided against it and took a step back toward the door.  

“Thanks for seeing me.” Neelan looked up at Gray again, giving him a small half-smile. “And thanks for taking care of Natsu.”

Gray nodded and ran his thumb over his wedding ring. “Always,” he said softly. Then he gave Neelan a wave and said, “Good luck,” before heading back down the hallway and out the doors, into the bright summer sun.

[steponmepinkjun]

I NEVER FINISHED MY STORY OMG. ok so i left off at being too proud to tell my friend she was right and kpop fucked hard. the difference between u and me is that i’m too good of a liar. too good. i kept up the “i hate kpop it’s cringe” facade for ALMOST TWO WHOLE YEARS, I SHIT YOU NOT. why? bc my dumb ass, extra ass, dramatic ass self thought “ok if i’m gonna have to deal with the embarrassment of admitting i’m wrong, i better do it in such an extra ass way it’ll knock ur socks off so hard that YOULL be the one embarrassed not me.” the original plan was to learn the entire choreography to bts dope, bc it’s the song that she told me to listen to and inevitably the song that got me into them, but later switched to bts fire bc i saw too many of those “choreo matches w any song” videos, and then her birthday party came up. and here’s the real kicker. her birthday is April Motherfuckin Fools. so it would be So Perfect for me to reveal my kpopism as a birthday present And a april fools prank in one. so i was Set on the Reveal being on april 1st, but the day rolls around and god that choreo is so fucking hard and i am Not a dancer. never have been. so i abandon that and go ykno what… i’ll do it Next Year. BC MY BITCHASS WAS LIKE NO THE MOMENT IS TOO PERFECT TO DO IT ON A NORMAL ASS DAY ITS GONNA BE ON APRIL FOOLS ON HER GODDAMN BIRTHDAY OR NOT AT ALL. a year rolls by, i’ve told most of our friends except her and they’re all in on it, i’d made so many subtle kpop references to her without her realising they were fully intentional and had too many scares where she almost figured me out but i lied my way out of it, and i’d given up on showing off with choreography bc i couldn’t make that shit look good. i’m not a dancer. i am, however, a rapper, and a damn good one, so i inhaled the agust d mixtape and decided i’d just rap the eminem of kpop’s anthem at her face. in korean. and change the lyrics at the end (if u haven’t listened to agust d, the bridge repeats “i’m sorry” a lot) to “i’m sorry i kept this from u for so long” and “i’m sorry i actually ult got7 not bts” (this was like the april after skz debuted ok i was holding onto got7 for dear life knowing full well skz we’re going to convert me smh) and the best part? she never saw it coming. her official present was a cd with a bunch of kpop on it but she thought it was just a personalised mixtape for her so i told her to play the first song out loud and she knew the song Instantly. it has a long intro so she was like “i guess u did listen when i recommended u this song!! i knew you’d like it since u like rap so much!!” and then i started rapping and i shit u not. she started SCREAMING. like the initial reaction was her jaw dropping and then instinctively covering her mouth but when i kept going and she realised i wasn’t fucking around she just fucking screamed like a banshee. at the end during the sorry bit i threw off my jacket to reveal a got7 shirt on the inside and she fell off her chair and started rolling around on the floor. needless to say it was every bit as satisfying as i thought it’d be LMAOOOO afterwards her ass was like “I CANT BELIEVE U HID THIS FROM ME FOR OVER A YEAR” and when i tried to explain my ego couldn’t take the “i told u so” she was like “you know i wouldn’t have made fun of you for it right? i would just be glad you’re not hating on my boys anymore” so basically i’m a big dramatic fool and she was always too good for me.

don’t mind the weird spaces here my ipad is being all fucky wucky w me rn. damn sad to hear ur sideblog experience didn’t go so well, i’d have shown u the cool side of the fandom if i knew 😤😤 leading u thru the cursed halls of kpop stan tumblr like a sketchy tour guide that’s actually 3 small raccoons stacked on top of each other like a trench coat, like “over here we have the fanfic writers that honestly need to publish a book, over here we have the gif makers that are responsible for my entire camera roll, if we take a quick swerve past the death threat anons and the twt fanwar screenshots - mind ur feet bub the 14 year olds were tryna make a grab for ur ankles - ah here’s the holy grail of shitposts, you might be here for hours, to the right we have the weird aussie side of the fandom that projects our childhoods onto chanlix but also all the members as we decide what their life in australia would’ve been like, and down there is a secret trapdoor to the blogs w endless random headcanons that will make you laugh, cry or blush depending on if the author woke up and decided to choose violence today. enjoy your Stay!” but then again i’m not so active on tumblr anymore (ngl you’ve become the highlight of my tumblr experience these days, interaction wise,) so maybe all my Local Hotspots are inactive now. i know a bunch of them are, it’s sad. “i don’t fw stan twitter for the same reason i don’t hang out in meth dens” oop. guess i’m a meth addict. no but i get u i rly do, it’s a hellhole out there, but the fact that things get shared and spread a lot easier than on tumblr and how short most things have to be (therefor keeping up w my adhd attention span without having to resort to the mental torture that is tiktok, with the added bonus of not always needing headphones.) that i just. couldn’t leave if i tried. maybe i should try being active on tumblr again but it’s a dying site in comparison.

“their music doesn’t consistently hit for me as much as skz” i’m sorry we can’t be friends anymore. what. what. you don’t dramama ramama ramama hey? you don’t feel a little jealousyyyyyy, naega anin? you don’t shoot out, shoot out, shoot out, or aremdaeun love killa love killa? you can’t be your hero du du du du du du du du du dududu? u disappoint me. literally like everyone i know who likes skz music likes mx music like it’s a rite of Passage. they’re kindred spirits, monsta x music is like skz’s music’s cool but mildly heterosexual older brother. neither of them know what a bad song is it runs in the family. and both their music runs in my VEINS. whenever i describe my music taste they’re always the first two that come to mind, skz being my number 1 bc they are my best boys but mx bc of the Flavour. pls listen to the entire the code album then get back to me 😤🙌 ok but fr ur so right they are 7 of the finest men i ever seen (yes i say 7 bc i’m including wonho cause he deserved better and i’ll die on my ot7 bullshit.) like don’t get me started on them either LOL i LITERALLY downloaded that one insta video of changkyun working out his back n arm muscles w his tattoo showing bc i needed that shit saved for Science. they could do Anything w me like frfr. yes vixx is the bdsm contract group i’m telling ya they wildin. or at least they were. it’s been years since their last comeback idk what they’re doing anymore tbh. and yeah that makes sense, savouring the hyperfixation i feel it, but also i’m so attached to skz that i never let it die. like i hyperfixate on other things and other groups but i will Always go back to skz cause they’re my homeboys. hell, they’re my home. being a predebut stay i’ve spent more time w skz than most of my actual family members at this point. but that’s just me you do u boo xx just know that if ur anything like me ur never letting go once skz it’s been my longest lasting fixation cause they hit like Nothing Else Do. ik i’ve already said that but i cannot stress it enough. they’re really special. i’m gonna stop here before i get all sappy and emotional bc i really love those boys so fucking much and i don’t drop the L bomb often. SIDE NOTE I WOULD LIKE TO SEE UR LIST OF GROUPS RANKED BY THORSt. i need to judge ur Taste. and omg cat&dog is such a guilty pleasure song bc the lyrics make me cringe so much bc while pet play can be fun they be doing it in more of an “i’m an innocent soft dogboy uwu” kinda way that just Does Not Sit Right with me. it comes back to the objectifying of asians that asians themselves don’t help in industries like these and maybe i’m looking too far into it when rly it is just wholesome n cute or maybe they are into some pet play shit idk idc i will bop to the song regardless but i will not acknowledge the lyrics nope.

YOURE RIGHT THO SKZ’S OPENNESS IS IN FACT, A BIG DEAL, i’ll grab them for u if u want but i found these twt threads of skz supporting the lgbt community and i just felt a special kind of happiness man like sure the delusional part of me likes going “haha they’re gay” bc my brain likes to imagine them as my polycule of mlm boyfriends bc sometimes thats what gives me the serotonin to get me thru the day ok don’t judge but also bc it’s nice knowing that yes i’ll never know them personally, but at least i can support them knowing they’d respect my gender identity and my pronouns, they’d respect who i choose to love, and that’s already more than the general public can say so shit, it is special! it’s special that they don’t treat being cishet like the norm - they constantly remove gender from their songs and speech entirely, they don’t assume all stays are female anymore, we don’t talk abt the babygirls incident cause we got babystays in the end outta that ok, and it’s just. so refreshing and important to me bc i can’t get that anywhere else!! like my semi ults are the boyz and while i love them very much and there’s no way all 11 of them are straight i refuse, i do get just a little bit sad whenever they she/her their fandom by default and call them their girlfriends n shit even tho i do still identify as a girl, i’m also genderfluid/nonbinary/transmasc, and i have a very love/hate relationship w my womanhood and rarely use she/her pronouns, cause it’s like, do you not see me? see us? the ones who aren’t cishet women? i mean i know kevin does bc he congratulated a fan who came out as nb but it’s just not the same as the openness we get w skz. like how do i trust cishets i could be supporting them as a queer person when in reality they’d call me a slur. what would i know, behind the screen? so it’s so good that skz go the extra mile to make it a safe space for everyone. this is already long enough i will reply to the second half of that ask in another message… tomorrow cause it’s 1am and i’m tired gn -felix bi anon

I'mma have to start putting these under a readmore so that i don't absolutely make everything who is still following me for some reason go totally fucking insane 😂

NDJDHWJJAHFNAKBSJSBFBHHDBDNAJD YOU HAVE NO IDEA THE FACES I WAS MAKING READING THIS, I WAS FUCKING CACKLING AND GASPING EVERY OTHER SENTENCE SO HARD THAT I SCARED THE CATS NDJWHSHSB the fact that you went "oh you want me to get into kpop? Give me a hot minute, and I'll give you a whole ass private concert for free" biduehsjdbd biiiiiiiiiiitch you're a fucking ICON, I stg I could NEVER 😂 (and not just because I couldn't find a tune if you gave me a printed set of Google maps directions and that I embody the steriotype that white people can't dance, like my sister kept sensing me tiktoks of the whole "dance like a white girl" trend going lmfao look it's you and eventually I was like "sis please this trend has me feeling like being white is a disability and these mothafuckers are being ableist 😭 also I could NEVER be that on beat so yall ain't even doin it right 😭😭😭😭"). Tbh if I told one of my friends (lol what friends, i got jokes) to get into Skz and they showed up at my bday and performed the entirety of I Got It I would simply shower them in money and go "aight everyone else go home, you are no longer needed, you are being laid off, your position has been eliminated, we're downsizing, the company is moving up and you're moving out, you are not qualified for this role any longer, best of luck with future endeavors" 😊

I think part of the reason I can't deal w Twitter is the exact reason I refuse to leave tumblr, in that I've been on tumblr since 2006 and twt since 2008, and tumblr literally has not changed at all, not even a little, whereas going from the early days of twt where there were no corporate sponsorships or ads and you had to manually copy and paste someone's tweet and @ them to retweet it, to how it is now, like 90% ads and showing me shit from the timelines of people I don't even fuckin follow n whatnot, it's just not enjoyable. Idk how anyone finds anything on twt, it confuses and frustrates me because I am old and have not adapted well to technology changing 😂 But arguably, the skz fanbase doesn't want me on skztwt anyways so like it works for both of us lmfaooo. I am old and cringey, and also still think of twt as stream of consciousness whereas tumblr is your teenage bedroom where you can decorate the walls with anything that interests you. I do really love the nonsensical kpoptwt shitposts tho fhshsbdjjss like it is a very specific flavor of mental instability that I enjoy immensely 😂 OH and also I initially misread part of that and thought you were saying you actually irl do meth and I was like 😳 WHAT DO I SAY TO THAT. HOW DO I HANDLE THIS. Like how do I express like "I wasn't being judgy of people who use substances cause I've been there but I was just being insensitive 😳" And then went back and reread it and was like WHEW, IM JUST AN ILLITERATE FOOL 😂😂😂😂 ejeywhdhrhjwbfbdjshdhdhd I spent like an hour bwign like "IS THE REASON WE GET ALONG BECAUSE THEY'RE ON METH???? WHAT DO I DO WITH THIS INFORMATION??????" hrhehshe I am literally a fuckin idiot it's fine

It's not that I don't fw them, it's more like... Okay so like there is no situation in which I am going to skip a skz song if it comes on shuffle. You will not ever catch me NOT in the mood to listen to Sunshine, if God's Menu comes on we are THROWIN the meager amount of booty meat I got hither and thither, I could be in the happiest mood of my life but if Ex comes on I will stop to SOB. And I'm not like that with most music, so mx just falls into the category of "there is a time and place." Idk why but it just doesn't forcibly grab hold of my heart and ass the way skz always does. I really don't WANT my skz fixation to ever end, but I know that eventually it'll stop giving me dopamine bevause my brain is my worst fucking enemy 🙃 like my arcana fixation is to date the longest running hyperfixation I've ever had, going on almost three years, and I used to not be able to spend every single second of every day thinking about Asra, but now... I just feel nothing when I look at arcana stuff. As you can probz tell by the fact that I hardly post arcana anymore 😂 So I know that eventually all my happiness will end, it always does, I can never stay just as obsessed with something as I was for long. I CANT SHARE THE LIST BECAUSE I DONT *HAVE* TASTE YET 😭 I'm basically just compiling a list of any group someone tells me I should look into, ranked by how strong the kitty purred upon googling pics of them 😂 My mom read my ass to FILTH over txt lmfao she was like "they're not that adorable. Maybe your standard for adorableness has gone down with You Know Who still on hiatus 🤔" bfjwhdhd like MOMMAAAAA THE LIBRARY IS CLOSED 😂 she attacks me any time I even hint at stanning other groups, she is a skz purist and stans skz only, unofficial Momma Stay of All Stays keeping me in check lmfao.

I feel like skz really do follow thru on their promise that they're a safe space for stays, it's nice to see that they hold space for anyone and everyone in their fanbase and do it in a really simple and elegant way, I feel. Like they never make it seem like "okay here are the fans and here are the token weirdos that were only recognizing to make a buck off of them" the way a lot of artists make it feel like 😑 like they don't go out of their way to act like it's some revolutionary act to do the bare minimum of not shitting on certain parts of the fandom, if that makes sense. They feel very "yeah, of course we love all our stays, this is a welcoming space for literally anyone, that's how it should be, that should be normal," instead of like "Hi fans we love you 😊 and special shoutout to you ell gee bee tee folk, make sure to buy my rainbow merch after the show!!!" you know? Like, they're the friends who would never make you feel weird or different for some shit, the friends that take the attention off you if something they know ur sensitive about comes up, instead of weirdly snapping at whoever brought the unfomfy thing up which ruins the mood and makes you feel tiwce as bad, yk? They just give off this vibe that they, and the space they create with their music, is just a genuine and chill place to be and hang out and relax and bond. I feel like they'd be the friend group that is so goofy and sweet and silly and accepting and lovely and always makes you feel loved and excited to be alive 🥺 They are all good noodles 🥺🥺🥺

[void-knights]

Storms End

Square Filled: Thor/Loki

Pairing: Thor/(Male)Loki

Rating: M – Mature

Word Count: 3632

Tags: NSFW, 18+, Incest, Erotic electrostimulation, Temperature kink, Ice Play, Sex & Magic, Choking, biting, Mentions of genderfluid Loki, Jötunn are not cold bodied/blooded,

Summary: Thor reflects on his new life in New Asgard just as a storm rolls in.

Written for: @lokibingo​

AO3 Link

A/N: Thorki isn’t my thing but I tried! I’m not a Ragnarök fan but it’s ending suited for this fic. ALSO I can’t stress this enough, this plays on unhealthy themes such as Incest (they’re brothers) and the shitty parenting of Odin and Frigga.

Lay on his front Thor listened to the oncoming thunderstorm, the once gentle tapping of rainwater against the windows had turned into hard painful lashes. It was as though his very element was punishing for deeds that had long gone ignored, but he knew he could step into that thunder and lightning and walk out fine.

His element may injure him for a time but never would it’s effects me lasting, for he was born with the power of thunder coursing through his veins. This was of little comfort to him now, he wished at times for that storm to be his end, for his roof to collapse and the storm take him. It would be a befitting death.

Grey skies above loomed heavy, burdened with the grief of a god who could not rest, who could not find his peace this evening. In the far distance he could hear the low rumbles, in his bones he could feel the first stirrings of lightning, his power grew in her rage.

He breathed in the cool damp air, his element sang to him as no other element could. She was unsurpassed in her might none might compare as she did, though they often tried. He could taste the rain on the air, for a moment he could believe he was back on Asgard.

But Midgard’s lightning spoke a different song, she was stronger, far more dangerous and unpredictable. Where he could predict a flat realm who’s weather patterns were as easy to predict as the seconds and minutes Midgard’s did as she pleased and to Hel with the concerns of the mortals who cowered in fear or stared in awe.

The scent of moss and salt clung to the air, something completely foreign filled his senses, a noise or feeling he was not accustomed to feeling. It caused him to shudder, old memories stirring as he tried not to think, he just wanted to sleep! Could he not be allowed this precious moment alone? To be at peace where old ghosts could not find him, what a sweet paradise that might be.

His eyes lit up, his skin crackled and for the moment he lost himself to the feeling of his element swallowing him whole. She wanted to slither her fingers deep into his soul, to empower him for the next battle. But there was to be no next battle. Not for a while.

A hand slithered its way up Thor’s middle resting upon his chest, “Try to sleep,” whispered Loki his bare pale form lit beautifully beneath the moon's light.

But Thor could no more rest than the storm could suddenly end, with a heavy sigh Loki propped himself up taking a moment to take in the god of thunder who lay with the expression of a man caught between a war of emotions.

Had they been a happy healthy family they might know of a better way of dealing with their grief than this? Instead, both stuffed down anything they could, it was best not to confront those feelings, to let them loose in battle and box them away until after death. Burdened with their parents lies both found little comfort in memories as others might suggest.

Instead, Thor cast the burdens of his crown aside for the night to fuck his little brother. Not by blood that much had been made clear, but it was not the healthiest way of resolving tension. It was odder still that when Loki looked at Loki still bearing his bite marks he still saw his little brother.

This was not their first time, the first had been on the Statesman, a moment of pure madness they both agreed. They had spent a day conflicted about what had happened, but neither could casually go fucking away their feelings as they once did.

Thor was now king, he could not have a bunch of bastards running about, (it wasn’t as though someone thought to bring the contraceptives with them when they were fleeing Asgard) and nobody who was of Asgard wanted to sleep with a Jötunn no matter how well disguised.

So they fucked again, and again and again until it had become some twisted routine. Something born out of the need to be closer, to seek comfort in the familiar. It didn’t matter if Thor was fucking his brother or sister what mattered was their connection, their love, perhaps obsession and codependency were better more suitable terms.

It was perverse.

But neither could stop themselves. Loki smoothed his palms over Thor’s chest a worried expression settling behind those emerald eyes. It was so fucking wrong to see the boy he had once been, back when their lives were better.

Hindsight provided Thor with the proof that it had never been happier or better. There were moments of true happiness, where they had been allowed to be innocent children. But with time and came realization. It was obvious to Thor now the damage that Odin and Frigga had inflicted upon Loki.

Where once Thor had resented Loki for having their mothers attention he now saw it for what it was. A way for the family to keep their eye on Loki by providing him someone he could depend and rely on. Someone to trust in, someone to cry to when Odin could no longer bear looking at Laufey’s son. The son he stole from Jotunheim for the sake of…

Well nobody knew, did they? Odin had once had a plan for Loki, had Loki never found out the truth they may have learnt what that plan might’ve been. For there was no other explanation as to why Odin kept Loki. He could have given him away if all he wanted to do was deny Laufey the chance of fatherhood.

Instead, Loki was raised in a house that saw him less than a son and more akin to a thing to be used. That purpose no longer mattered to Thor with the passing of Odin, but he suspected deep down that Loki still wanted to know. Loki who still searched for… well they were all searching for that something weren’t they?

Between them silence grew, the oh so distant rumble of thunder did not disturb them as it did others. Loki traced his fingers along the brief lines that the sparks drew across Thor’s skin, he chased and traced those sparks capturing one with his magic and allowing it to slither around his long slender fingers.

Of course Loki was capable of bottling lightning. Once such an action would inspire awe and wonder in Thor who had at one point adored Loki’s magic without question. Odin had been sure to remove that childhood love, that awe from Thor, he was not supposed to love and respect the magic used by men.

Resentment brewed within Thor as he tried to recapture that innocent childhood awe. He found nothing but the emptiness that Hela’s return had filled him with. The realization that he had not been the first, not even the first child to be exiled. But he had succeeded Odin’s second attempt at raising a child whereas Hela had been erased and abandoned. She had just wanted to be remembered, to be loved and…

He saw Hela within Loki, Loki who sat on top of him marvelling at the lightning captured within the fragile glass orb. He tried not to see his siblings, but how could he not? Did Odin look upon Loki and see Hela as well? Why had Loki as a babe chosen that look, had the baby shapeshifter conjured it from Odin’s memories?

There were too many questions the ancient king was leaving behind, it hurt to think about. He would rather admire the way the slow white glow of lightning lit up Loki’s face, the way those emerald eyes shimmered and shone as he quite seriously studied the captured element within his palm.

Thor was wrong in assuming that was glass, when Loki pressed his mouth to the small orb that captured his lightning that continued spark and bounce about its container he watched droplets of water escape the orb and moisten Loki’s pale thin lips.

The lightning flickered and flung itself against the orb as if to sense what Loki was doing or perhaps Thor’s desire to have his brother’s lip back around his cock rather than teasing the lightning. How odd was it to be turned on by this most unusual display?

If there was anyone who could make sex more unusual it was his brother… Loki, Loki, Loki, he must stop referring to the man he was fucking as his brother. It made things more odd, more perverse.

Slipping the orb into his mouth Loki lowered himself down, curious as to his brothers scheme Thor sat himself up a little. Somehow, Somehow, Loki managed to fit the tip of Thor’s cock into his mouth.

Thor groaned gripping the sheets beneath him, he did not dare grab Loki’s hair fearing a genuine chance of killing either or both of them, which only added to the pleasure. When had the risk of death become so erotic?

He groaned as icy lips and tongue teased his cock, that orb of ice rolling around with the motions of Loki’s bobbing head and teasing tongue drove Thor mad with pleasure. Loki’s eyes never left his brother’s single eye that continued to glow white with power, his hands traced the outside of Thor’s thighs as the god of thunder tried so hard not to come so soon.

Thoughts of propriety had long been abandoned on the route to Midgard yet in the back of their minds they knew how wrong this was. That made it all the more exciting. Whether it was done as a ‘fuck you’ to Odin or just a rather meaningless need to let out frustrations that did not involve punching or stabbing something they could not say.

It hardly seemed to matter now. 

That life was taken from them. 

Loki swallowed Thor down his throat, the god lost it as the ice in his brothers mouth cracked that lightning quite giddy to be let loose attacked anything it could. The sparks of pleasure started small, licks that were little more than tickles turned into the sharp snap of static before evolving into something quite like the snap of a whip.

Thor bucked beneath his brother spurred on by the immense pain his own element caused him, Loki remained unharmed and so unaffected which turned on Thor even more. That devious glint in Loki’s eyes as Thor grabbed his long raven hair wrapping it around his fist and pulling Loki further onto his cock had him wanting to prove himself. Thor liked a challenge and Loki was the perfect challenge, designed for him in a way no other being could be.

He came hard down Loki’s throat with a roar that matched the lightning creeping up on New Asgard. Not wasting a drop Loki swallowed his brothers come with a devious smirk, the mortals might think him devilish, temptation given form, but Loki was no devil, simply a trickster.

Not that Thor had been tricked into this, they had both tricked one another, thinking it a good method of coping.

Shoving his brother down on the bed Thor growled, he would have no more of Loki being in command, it invited his brothers more devious and delightful ideas and while that was tempting he had no desire for the complex this evening.

He just needed to fuck and Loki was not about to argue about that.

Loki reached up grabbing his brother by the shortened hair, how they both hated that hair. It was demeaning to them, to their culture, it removed an important piece of Thor. He threaded his fingers through the short blonde hair enjoying how fluffy it felt, though he longed for the return of those long golden locks.

Closing his eyes Thor allowed himself a moment of peace, he turned to kiss the palm that rested against the side of his head, they were both caught off guard by the tender loving gesture. More and more of those had begun to slip in as of late. A kiss here, a tender smile, a hug, sharing a bed, it was all becoming dangerously domestic. It really shouldn’t be, should it?

They weren’t related by blood, Thor kissed his palm again, they weren’t related by blood so why was this so wrong? He had grown up alongside Sif and many expected him to marry a woman he saw as his sister. Why was this so different?

Because they had spent over a thousand years believing one another to be brothers. That is why. It was not two friends who had grown fond of one another, it was to brothers who had found a perverse pleasure in one another's bodies. Blood did not bind them but they were still brothers.

They should not be doing this, Thor kissed his palm a third time, but he could not stop, they could not stop.

Loki was just as to blame as Thor, Loki who pushed Thor into random spaces to fuck him against whatever surface he could. Loki who slid her cunt over her brothers leather clad thigh riding him to completion while he signed documents and paperwork. Loki who with both cock and cunt would pleasure themselves until Thor could no longer resist their body.

Instead of pulling away, of finally saying no Thor watched as Loki slid oil slicked fingers along Thor’s length guiding his brothers dick into him. It was not so easy to adjust to his brothers girth, but that is what made it all the more pleasurable to Loki, that brief bout of pain as his body adjusted to accept his brother.

Thor restrained himself watching as Loki’s eyes fluttered shut, he was caught in that war between pleasure and pain, the sight alone made his cock twitch. He looked so beautiful with pale thin lips parted in ecstasy as a pink flush coated that pale moonlit skin his hole stretched around his cock his inner walls clamping around him in a scorching Jötunn heat.

His brother was so warm, so perfect, so beautifully tempting it was becoming impossible to keep his eyes and hands wandering. With his right hand he slid his palm other his brothers lithe pale form, electricity nipping at exposed pinked flesh, he ran his palms across those pert dusty nipples causing Loki to buckle beneath him shuddering in pleasure.

A whining moan escaped a pleading to his brother to cease with the teasing and to fuck him, fill him already with his cum. But he would not beg and as much as Thor would enjoy hearing those pleas falling from his brothers pretty lips he much preferred this. It had become a perverse secret between them, a secret no one else could share in. It was theirs and theirs alone.

A white flash of lightning lit the room in a rather ominous shade, something heavy threatened to smother them both. They shoved it aside as Thor slowly withdrew from his brother who regained his composure, those talented fingers sling along his own length playing with himself as though Thor weren’t there.

He would remind his brother who it was that was fucking him, who was pleasuring him. Just as he had done when eating out her cunt or fingering her arse until she was coming all around him. Thor knew how to pull his brothers pleasure from him by now, to make his brother scream and cry his name in the throes of passion.

Sliding a broad palm around his brothers throat Thor rammed himself back into Loki who screamed out a gust of pleasure before Thor began to squeeze cutting off just enough air to make Loki’s head swim in pleasure.

“Brother,” Loki should not be moaning at a time like this, “Brother,” should not be a word that turned on Thor like nothing else.

But Thor once again pulled himself from Loki until the tip of his broad cock remained and then brutally rammed himself back in. It would be painful, crippling to a mortal, but neither of them were mortal. The sparks of electricity that danced along Thor’s skin nipped and shocked Loki who squirmed and writhed.

The combination of Thor’s cock, the electricity, the hand pressed firmly against his throat all made Loki moan out praising his brother, a prayer that was uttered better than any mortal could hope to muster.

Thor’s brutal pace had Loki grabbing onto the headboard above him, wood splintering beneath his fingers as he tried not to destroy another bed. Thor braced himself on that same headboard as he fucked his brother hard and fast, slick sweat covered Loki’s body causing him to shine in the light of the storm.

Their pleasure came upon them, Loki teased his own cock collecting more of that electricity that wanted to tease and torment him and spread it gingerly against his own length. Thor released his brothers throat and swatted his hand away from his hard reddening cock, he grabbed it in his own sparking hand and Loki screamed his name.

There was no pain sweeter, he called out Thor’s name in the storm not the beg Thor wanted to hear but the anticipation of one he would in time bring out in his brother who whimpered in the pained pleasure brought him ever closer to his own release.

It was brutal, some might say without love, the rough way in which he gripped Loki, pounded into him until they were both bruising and aching only their feral sounds accompanied by the storm outside could be heard. Not that anyone could hear, they would never hear.

Loki his lower lip stifling the moan that threatened spill from his lips, Thor snarled increasing his grip upon Loki’s cock the pre cum that leaked mixing with the oils that Thor used from the remains of the bottle that lay beside them.

Bucking beneath his brother Loki urged him on, to move otherwise he would be using Thor’s cock for his own pleasure and ignoring his brother’s wants. Thor got the silent message and thrust deeper, harder into her brother striking that sweet spot that had Loki clamping around him.

Both breathed out their pleasured too stubborn to be the first one to come, Loki grabbed Thor’s shoulder as he attempted angle himself, so he could strike deeper in Loki who could not hold back the loud moan.

He would not beg.

But Norns was he close!

Thor closed the gap between them still pounding into the breathless Loki, instead of kissing him like Loki expected Thor licked along the side of his brothers long pale neck savouring the taste of sweat and something sweet from the oils.

The previous bite marks were fading, so he bit hard into Loki’s neck and shoulder savouring the sweet way in which Loki bucked against him, a pitiful attempt to fight back lost the moment Thor squeezed his hardened red cock.

He came hard spilling all over Thor’s fist, his brother was not far behind him, coming undone when Loki squeezed around him filling him up with his seed.

Thor moaned into the nape of Loki’s neck mumbling nothing of importance between bites and licks. Loki breathed his fingers tangled in blonde hair, gentle nips of electricity flitted along their joined sweat slicked bodies. Thor refused to pull out, to move, Loki clung to his brother unsure why that comforted him so much.

With a last flourish of magic Loki cleaned them up as best he could, what with Thor refusing to remove his softening cock that lay nestled within his brother. Thor instead rolled them over pulling Loki’s overly warm pale body tighter against his own sun kissed body.

He brushed the raven hair from Loki’s face savouring how sweet he looked as he stared out to the Midgardian sea that now acted as their background. The seas and land were dark, only a few golden lights of New Asgard were lit at such a late – almost early – hour. The distant bones of what would be Heimdall’s new observatory managed to stand out when the lightning lit up the lands.

The thunder and lightning remained, echoing their previous roars of passion, Thor meanwhile hummed some old Midgardian tune that he had picked up from some place.

It was better than those old lullabies that often talked of joyously murdering Jötnar. Why had their mother sung those songs knowing what Loki was? Why recite those old tales that made Loki hate what he was?

Loki kissed his brothers neck savouring the taste of him before sitting up, already half hard and rocking himself against Thor. Tonight was going to be a long night, not that the god of thunder would complain. Instead, he watched as Loki guided his brothers hands to his pale slender hips and rocked himself upon the half hard cock nestled within him.

Neither of them spoke as Loki slowly fucked himself on Thor’s cock, instead Thor watched in silent awe. How beautiful was his brother by the light of the storm and moon, he watched as Loki took his pleasure as he needed it, using him until Thor could give no more, as a god of fertility he took that as a challenge.

Silently he settled himself watching as once more Loki captured lightning, bringing it Thor’s own lips.

He could taste the power, the pain and pleasure.

For tonight, he could forget all that waited for him outside these walls, for tonight he had Loki and Loki had him. That was all that mattered. No matter how wrong it was.

[on-fic-writing-spree]

Chapter 3: New Traits and New Fates

Word count: 934 words

Notes: The first two chapters were opening chapters; they give some background to you guys where some of the other characters might not be aware of (dramatic irony, if any of y’all remember that bs from reading Romeo and Juliet in high school lmao). Anyway, this takes place a rough while after the split (2 years). The story will continue to progress from 2 years towards 3 years etc from here, maybe with a flashback or two. I haven’t entirely decided. Also note: I’m adding gender HCs cause I Said So. (Ree is genderfluid, Janus is a cis dudez Remus’s pronouns might change chapter to chapter and sometimes go by Ree instead of Remus. Ro is bigender and goes by both he and she. Patton is also cis, goes by he. Virgil is agender and goes by they and it pronouns. Logan is a demiboy and goes by he and they pronouns. These largely don’t influence the story, it’s just to make note of their pronouns.) Anyway, point is, we’re moving ahead in time now Yeet.

Next Chapter: Useless and Paranoid

Find the rest of the story here!

——————

Promptly after Remus jumped out from behind the couch, Deceit hissed and slammed the other’s face in with a book. “Can’t you ever not leave me be?” he muttered, going back to his book, which wasn’t all that interesting in the first place. It was just on the laws of the palace, many pages torn, others with smeared letters, or the occasional random fold or odd stain. Ree didn’t take good care of their things.

Remus giggled and grinned, poking the side of Janus’s face. “Nope, no can do Dee-Dee!” they remarked gleefully. “You live in my castle, that means you live being annoyed by me,” they declared, leaning over the back of the couch, which had rips from them throwing their morningstar carelessly across it so many times. Truth be told, Ree always enjoyed Deceit’s remarks towards them. They weren’t predicted, they weren’t preprogrammed. Deceit was nothing like the other characters in their village. Still, they couldn’t help but want more than Deceit. One friend (if you could even call him that) was great, but could you imagine if they had two? It’d be a dream come true! Maybe they’d do something about it later.

By the time Ree had snapped back to reality, Deciet had already been standing to head out of the room, only to be stopped with a few waves of Ree’s hand, pushing Deciet back into his spot. “You know what I like about you most, double-dee?” Deceit merely hummed in response, already knowing where this was going. Ree made it a point to never let Deceit think he wasn’t their absolute favorite, though they’d always give a different reason. “I absolutely love your attitude,” they complimented, resting their hands on top of Deceit’s head before resting their chin atop of that. “What boring book are you reading this time? You know I can conjure more, right? Or like... way more fun things to do.”

Deceit folded the book shut on his finger so Ree could see the cover. “I suppose you could, but wouldn’t that defeat the fun of re-reading the same paragraph twelve times because have the words are scribbled out?” he quipped, earning a soft snicker from Ree.

“Well let me know if you change your mind. I’ll be in my room, business to attend to. Being a duke sucks,” they finished, heading off towards his room. Deceit made some comment about if the other needed help, but Ree was already halfway down the hall by the time he finished his sentence.

—

Morality was special. Roman had decided this, without a doubt, that indeed, Morality was special.

When Roman had heard about Remus’s new pal—Deceit, he thought—Roman just knew he had to have one too. Morality was a free spirit, clumsy and full of joy, constantly skipping throughout the castle and baking for Roman.

Truthfully, Morality was the only one Roman would fully trust to make his food without someone to try it before he ate it, despite Roman’s the utter lack in ability to die. Not that his people knew that, of course, they knew very little. Only little parts here and there that Roman had practically programmed them to be aware of. Mindless creations, as the King once called them. Roman didn’t care much for the term ‘mindless,’ always thinking it to be a bit harsh to describe his lovely subjects.

When Morality started talking—something about the butter?—Roman snapped out of his thoughts and shook his head some. “Huh? Sorry, what?” He asked, only for Patton to giggle and point to the butter.

“Pass me the butter please,” he repeated, continuing to stir what was already incorporated into the pot. Roman passed over the butter, which Morality added after cutting into uneven cubes, humming softly while he worked. When finished, he wiped his hands on his apron, speaking again, “Should be done soon. Anything you’d like to do in the next four and a half minutes?” he asked, only half joking.

Roman tapped his chin, pretending to think for a moment. “Nope, I got nothing.” Morality nodded and shrugged, a smile on his face as he hummed some and started to clean. This was a fairly average day for them. They often ended up doing activities like this together, baking, coloring, sometimes they’d even visit town together. A few times they went into shops—Morality would always tip as much as he could afford to even after Roman slipped in a pretty penny.

The kingdom had seemed a lot more lively since Morality had been around, as though everyone was enlightened by his being. Roman truly could not imagine anyone to be more fit for helping to take care of the people, even though technically it wasn’t Morality’s job. He was like just that, always taking a parental role. Roman would sometimes joke that Morality was the ‘father of all’ to which Morality would laugh about, never minding the title in the slightest. He embraced it really.

Soon enough the timer for the food went off, and Morality made plates before setting the table with them. The talked as they ate, Morality bringing up the rest of the tasks that Roman had to do in the day. Roman merely groaned and whined about how many duties he as a poor little prince had. Which gave Roman an idea—he didn’t enjoy the idea of one of the people in kingdom taking care of many of those tasks, since they only knew to take orders, really, it won’t help with the stress. But he could certainly do something a little different... create yet another trait. Yes, that would do just finely! He could have Morality as a good friend and a new trait—something logical perhaps—to take care of some things for him!

After dropping his silverware with soft clanking onto the half-empty plate, Roman hopped up from his spot, thanking Morality for the food before hurrying off to start on his idea, a grin on his face as he sprinted through the halls and to his room. He locked the door behind him. Morality didn’t need to know of this of course. Roman had no clue what that would possibly do to him, if he knew he was a figment created by Roman. That would be something he must be careful about... for their safety, if nothing else.

——————

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This is my gift for @richardcampbells who requested so primo Gansey content! 3.7k [Ao3]

Gansey did not remember being this twitchy in high school.

It was difficult to remember ‘high school’ as this thing that had happened to him only a short year ago and not something in his distant past. He’d experienced so many things in the years of high school and also in the gap year since, it was hard to hold the memory of Aglionby as something associated with himself. He had felt quite different then.

Quite less twitchy.

Blue would probably take offense to the word twitchy. He didn’t think it was a slur of any kind, but it still felt like a word she would not-so-gently correct. Fidgety, she might say. Hyper.

Not that he was hyper, he just couldn’t seem to stop picking at the corner of his folder. Or playing with the zipper tag on his schoolbag. He had to admit, he did feel rather high-strung.

To be so far away from her – Blue – when they’d so recently been so close. Closer than close. It was mildly unbearable.

And not only her, but Henry who had been with them on their gap year road trip around the world. Adam, who was following his own academic pursuits but had been a real grounding presence in his Aglionby days. Ronan, who he missed like a limb and who’d worried him while he’d been away and potentially worried him more now that he was close but still extremely far.

Georgetown was not so far. Ronan came to the area every week for mass with his brothers.

It was enough distance for Gansey to feel it in the marrow of his bones.

He tapped his pen distractedly against his laptop, waiting for class to start and contemplating if he should send Ronan another text. Just to make sure he was coping. He couldn’t remember ever tapping his pen at Aglionby.

“Okay, class, welcome to BBH 251, colloquially known as ‘Straight Talks.’”

Gansey sat up straighter, taking a firmer grip on his pen to sublimate the urge to fidget.

“You can all put your laptops away, this isn’t that type of class.”

Gansey startled, blinking for a good few seconds before shutting his laptop and sliding it back into his bag. He wasn’t sure what kind of class didn’t require taking notes. His pulse jumped a bit in his neck, some predecessor to an inappropriate sense of dread.

“This class is about exploring intersectional identity, putting focus on privilege and invisible identities.”

And now the dread made more sense. Gansey was always far too aware of his privilege.

It would be absolutely heinous to have to get up in the front of this room and list out all the ways society valued him more than them. Looking around the room there were women, there were people of color. Students with pride flags on their bags and their hair dyed outrageous colors. There were students who looked like Adam had when he’d first come to Aglionby: hollow cheeked and broken down in a way that could only be reached by withstanding poverty. How was he supposed to come out to this class as a straight, white, wealthy son of a Republican career politician?

“The class is called straight talks because what we learn in this class, we carry over into other classes. We reach out to other classes and introduce ourselves with our full intersectional identities.”

The horrors continued abound. Gansey would have to do this around the entire university.

“I’ll start.”

Their instructor introduced herself as a white, cis woman. She was a lesbian athlete in her mid-fifties. She talked about the difficulties of being a lesbian athlete, how she suffered ageism in the gay community, and the stereotypes that come with it.

Braver souls than Gansey came forward and asked what cis meant. The teacher calmly explained that it simply meant “not trans”. Gansey hadn’t known there was a word for that. He hadn’t thought about the need for one. And that made him feel worse than anything. Because anything that wasn’t “other” was “normal”. What a terribly privileged thing he was.

“And now, to present more examples from your peers, I’ve asked some of my students from last semester to show you what a straight talk might look like. Ryann, do you want to start?”

Ryann didn’t look particularly bothered either way, but started on what was obviously a well rehearsed speech.

He was genderfluid, which meant he changed his pronouns regularly, but he told them all that at this moment he was a he so please refer to him as such. He was of Māori descent. He talked about what it was like to be underrepresented and constantly likened to Taika Waititi just because he was the only Māori person anyone ever heard of, if they’d heard of it at all. He suffered from EDS, which meant he had what was usually referred to as an invisible disability. In other words: people assumed he was abled when they looked at him since he didn’t need a wheelchair. At least not yet.

This wasn’t at all about Gansey, but he still found himself sinking slightly in his seat, the shame he felt by the simple fact that he had none of these additional social obstacles to deal with making him feel absolutely wretched and helpless.

The next speaker helped some. She was white and cis and able-bodied. But she spoke of growing up in poverty in the American south, constantly living in fear because she was bisexual and a woman. She discussed how she’d known more girls who’d experienced sexual violence than she could fit on two hands.

Gansey felt a little like crying. Actually, a lot like crying. But he was a Gansey and he would never show such unmeasured behaviour in company. And this was not about him. He would not make it about him.

The last person was agender. They were mixed race: what races, they weren’t even sure because they were adopted. They grew up in a wealthy family but lived in a community where they didn’t feel deserving of that station. Feeling undeserving was something, at least, Gansey understood.

They were also demisexual.

“So, demisexuality is on the spectrum of asexuality,” the person – Storm – explained, in a practiced-sounding way, but not like Gansey thought they were tired of explaining: they still sounded as if they cared deeply about this label. “Everyone’s heard of the Kinsey scale?” Most everyone nodded, Gansey maybe too enthusiastically. He’d read a lot of history when he’d realized Adam was bisexual. “Asexuality has that same kind of scale, ranging from sex-repulsed asexual to sex-positive gray-asexual. Asexuality is differentiated by the lack of feeling of sexual attraction. sex-repulsed asexuals don’t feel sexual attraction and don’t want sex in any way. People can still be asexual but have sex anyway for stress relief or for their partner: they don’t feel the attraction but don’t mind the act itself. Gray-asexual people can feel sexual attraction but only sometimes. It’s all very relative and, obviously, I don’t speak for everyone blah blah blah. Following?”

There were grumbles of assent from the assembled class and Gansey nodded distractedly.

What Storm (and that was another thing: Ronan would absolutely love the names nonbinary people chose for themselves when Gansey told him) what Storm was talking about with gray-asexuality sounded just like normal people. Not everyone experiences sexual attraction ALL the time. Then wouldn’t everyone want to have sex with everyone else all the time? That sounded extremely distracting, who would have the time?

And not everyone was in the mood all the time either. He was working to be really open-minded, but this didn’t sound real. 

“Demisexuality,” Storm continued, “Is on that spectrum. The important qualifier is that demisexual people can feel sexual attraction but only if they establish an emotional bond with someone first.”

And just like that, something in Gansey’s head snapped.

He shot his hand up.

Their professor waved him off. “We’re not doing questions right now,”

“That’s okay.” Storm said, smiling at him. Something in their eyes glinted in what Gansey thought might be recognition, even though they’d never met. “What’s up?” They asked, nodding at Gansey.

Gansey had no idea what was up. He hadn’t raised his hand with any kind of plan.

“Hello. My name is Gansey,” he introduced himself, because his mother always said that was a good jumping off point. “Demi is from the Latin word dimidius meaning partially or half.”

That probably wasn’t the right direction to start with, judging by the muttering and eye rolling from his classmates. Gansey felt his neck heat up but Storm looked amused.

“Are you calling me half-sexual?”

“No,” Gansey shook his head, trying to come off better. “I guess I just wondered how the leap was made from demi meaning half to demi meaning… what you said.”

“Mr. Gansey–” the teacher started again, looking a little put-out. Gansey guessed he’d probably said something wrong. Something offensive. Something condescending. He was good at that.

But Storm waved her off again. “I don’t know, man, I didn’t invent the word. I just learned it, same as you’re learning it now.” Their eyes flashed again on the words ‘same as you’. “I learned the word and I remembered every teacher I’d had a crush on growing up after they’d established a connection with me. I remembered the weird sex dreams I’d had about literally every one of my friends. I remembered how any time someone talked about having sex with a stranger I thought they were kidding because how could you feel that way about someone you didn’t know?”

Gansey’s hand gripped the seat of his chair, each statement from Storm triggering his own memories. How he’d never had a crush on a girl – a serious, Want To Do Anything About It crush – until Blue. How confused he’d been when Adam said he had more experience with girls, because he hadn’t, really. How Helen’s advances on poor unsuspecting men felt false, because how could she want to sleep with all of them? She’d just met them.

And he remembered the weird sex dreams he’d had about Adam and Ronan, even though he was straight.

At least… he’d thought he was straight?

Storm smiled at him in a soft, almost pitying way. “Any other questions?”

Gansey shook his head. “No, thank you. Please continue.”

It seemed this class may teach him more than he’d counted on.

His first order of business was to call Blue.

Both because he needed to speak with her about this new word he’d just learned and also because he had a scheduled call with her and also because he missed her fiercely.

“Have you heard this word ‘demisexuality’?” Gansey asked by way of hello.

He could almost hear Blue blink in surprise. “No. Where have you heard the word demisexuality?”

“I’m taking this Bio-Behavioral Health class. It’s usually reserved for at the very earliest second semester students but I spoke to my advisor about my apprehension regarding achieving the required credits for gen eds and she suggested combining requirements through some classes that might cover both. This class counts for gym and science.”

“So you’re not taking a gym class?” Blue hummed, mournfully. “No pictures of sunkissed Gansey rowing in the early morning?”

Gansey’s ears heated up and he cleared his throat. “Any photos you’d like I’ll take for you, Jane.”

Blue hummed again, self-satisfied.

Gansey cleared his throat again. “So this class explores identity and marginalization–”

Blue cut him off with a barked laugh. “Oh, man, I would love to watch this class react to you .”

“Yes, Jane, it was not very comfortable for me, aware as I am of my privilege.” He tried not to sound petulant but he was and it did. “But there was a student named Storm who introduced me to this new word. Demisexuality, I mean.”

“Okay,” Blue said. There was rustling on the other side and Gansey pictured her getting comfortable, sitting in the chair next to the table in the phone/sewing/cat room. She had her own cell phone by now – a fight that spanned weeks and several countries of their road trip – but she refused to use it to speak to Gansey himself, only saving it for calling her mother while she was away or to speak to Adam on the phone his own boyfriend had bullied him into accepting. He assumed she’d cave and use it to speak to him when she was away at school herself (her semester didn’t start until October) but for now they were relying on old habits. “So tell me about demisexuality.”

He began to talk through it with her, repeating some of what Storm said and drawing new conclusions and going so far as to pull a webpage on the subject up on his phone as he spoke, switching between reading off of it and putting the phone to his ear to hear her reply. He knew she could have looked this up herself, but he appreciated she was letting him tell her about it. Teaching her was the easiest way for him to learn himself.

She cut to it pretty quick. “Is that what you think you are?”

Gansey blinked, expecting the question, he supposed, but not expecting how it would make him feel.

“I thought I was straight,” he answered. Because it was true. Even if it was becoming less true by the moment. 

There was a rustling that Gansey recognized as a shrug. “Everyone thinks they’re straight until they don’t.”

Gansey blinked again.

“Thank you, Jane.”

Blue hummed. “I’m gonna let you sit with this. Call me back with any updates?”

Gansey hummed back. They hung up.

Gansey appreciated she wanted to let him sit with this – it was a kindness and potentially a necessity. He didn’t know how to do this, he’d never had a sexual identity crisis before.

So he called Ronan.

Who didn’t answer, of course, so he was forced to sit with his sexual identity crisis.

  He sat with it for two hours until Ronan sent him a text. “Dick.”

Gansey called him.

Ronan answered. “Jesus Mary, Gansey, what ?”

“I think I had a crush on you when we first met.”

Ronan choked and immediately hung up.

Gansey swore, growling, before hitting redial.

“Gansey, I swear to Christ,” Ronan pleaded.

“Shut up!” Gansey swore. “Please shut up. I am so stressed out right now, Ronan.”

Ronan, for his part, shut up. It was an angry and embarrassed silence, but considering what Gansey had just confronted him with that was understandable.

“I learned something in one of my classes today and Jane thinks it might apply to me.” Blue had said no such thing, but something told Gansey that Ronan would take information like this more seriously if it came from sensible Blue. “There is apparently a sexual orientation previously unbeknownst to me that describes feelings of attraction only when there’s an established emotional connection.”

Ronan was silent for a few breaths before he said “Okay?”

“So we were very close when he first met and I felt an immediate connection to you and I didn’t know how to process that outside of friendship because I’d never felt it before but now with this new term sort of recontualizing things, I think it may have been a crush.”

Ronan made a sort of squawk in his throat, reacting similarly to the first time Gansey had said the word “crush” but, thankfully, not hanging up the phone.

“Gansey… I don’t know what you want me to do with this.”

Gansey opened his mouth then shut it again. He wasn’t sure what he wanted from Ronan either. He didn’t know how to ask “Do you think I had a crush?” or “Do you think I’m not straight?” or “How do I restructure myself, how do I think of myself, if I’m not straight like I always thought?”

But that was an emotional burden he had no business troubling Ronan with. Gansey’s feelings weren’t Ronan’s responsibility. He had other things going on.

“Nothing,” he answered, quickly, attempting to brush off the entire conversation. “Just a thought to mull over. I thought I’d share. But, you’re right, you have other things to do–”

Ronan sighed so loud and dramatically, he cut off Gansey’s prepared polite change of topic right in its tracks.

“Gansey, it’s okay if you’re not straight. It would be fucking cool, actually. That means none of us are straight. High five for a perfect queer score or whatever the shit.”

Gansey’s mouth twitched.

“And if you had a crush on me that’s cool too.” He cleared his throat, his next statement coming out as a growl to cover embarrassment. “I had a crush on you in the beginning, too. So it’s whatever.”

Gansey grinned. “Oh, you did?”

“We are never bringing this up again,” Ronan told him firmly. “But yeah, man, you’re like the portrait of well tended youth. But you drove a fast and shitty car and smiled like a dork. I was sixteen, what do you want?”

Gansey’s grin softened. “Well, now I feel indecorous. You’ve had time to think about this. I have nothing prepared to tell you why you were crushworthy.”

“I don’t want to hear it!” Ronan said, quickly. “Tell me about the crush you had on Parrish, instead.”

Gansey sat up straight, very much feeling like he’d received a rowing oar to the face. “Did I have a crush on Parrish?”

Ronan snorted, cruel yet fond. “Of fucking course you had a crush on Parrish. Everyone with eyes and a brain has had a crush on Parrish.”

Gansey frowned but remembered again the inappropriate sex dreams. Then he blushed. Then he conceded. “I suppose you make valid points.”

Ronan laughed. “Did you get butterflies the first time he helped you fix the Pig?”

Gansey hummed, getting a little lost in the memory, before jerking back. “Oh. Have I been a little stupid about this?”

Ronan snorted again, the sound 100% joy this time. “Yeah, man. But that’s okay. No one can know everything.”

When Gansey was slated to present his own “straight talk” to the class weeks later, he was prepared. Not ready. Not comfortable. But prepared.

“Hello,” Gansey started, his politician’s-son smile on. “My name is Richard Campbell Gansey III, but I go by Gansey. The legacy in my family, so aptly captured by my name, has never been something I was comfortable with.”

Gansey watched a few faces around the room nod. Expressing that they saw him, they understood what he was saying, and they accepted it.

It gave him the strength to continue. He smiled a bit more easily this time.

“It feels overly boastful to list the ways for which I have privilege in this world – it was something I was never brought up to put a name to for fear of coming off ungracious or pompous. But putting a name to something is the first step to breaking down the social structures that put people like me so far ahead simply by the state in which I was born. So just because it makes me uncomfortable, doesn’t mean I shouldn’t say it. I only ask that as I go down my list, you all don’t hate me too much.”

That got a few laughs. Gansey sighed a bit in relief before steeling himself.

“I’m white. White Anglo Saxon Protestant, which is rather ironic as I’m deathly allergic to wasps.” Another laugh. Gansey took another breath. “I come from a wealthy family: what some call old Virginia money. I’ve never wanted for anything. I am cis, I am male, I am able-bodied – save my poor eyesight and previously mentioned bee and wasp allergy. Access to care for eyes and allergy has never been a problem, though, because of the aforementioned wealth. I’ve been able to go through my life relatively normally because of the wealth and despite what otherwise might be debilitating conditions.”

The bee allergy had killed him, once, but Gansey wasn’t sure if it was appropriate to get into that in this setting.

“I have a girlfriend, so I am straight passing,” Gansey continued, swallowing. “And, until very recently, I thought I was straight.”

He lifted his eyes to the class, hoping some of them were remembering his questions to Storm on the first day. Storm themself wasn’t there but Gansey pictured them in his mind as he continued.

“Learning about demisexuality has opened some things up for me,” he confessed. “I spoke to my girlfriend and to some friends from high school who are queer themselves and who I only recently realized I had had crushes on. They all think it’s extremely funny, telling me I was terrible at hiding it. And they’re all very excited to realize this gives us a perfect record of queerness in the friend group.”

More laughs. Students’ faces were very open and friendly. Some were still a bit disdainful – there would be some fights he couldn’t win, some people he would never be able to win over because they had suffered too much by people just like him – but there were people in this class who didn’t visibly hate him. Gansey grinned fully.

“I expect this discovery of identity will continue: probably until I die.” (Again) “And it was challenging to have to restructure my self-perception, but a bit thrilling, too. I thank you all for sharing so much of yourselves with me. I hope I can go forward in this life and take advantage of my outrageous privilege to do right by you.”

He glanced over at the professor, who looked rather stoic, but nodded once, eyes shining in something that looked a little like surprise and a little more like pride.

Gansey looked back to the class and nodded. “Thank you.”

He hoped he could answer questions – from the class and from himself – whenever they came.