#it makes me so fucking frustrated when i follow trans ppl

[whoviandoodler]

im this close to blocking a third of my dash like usually ill just look past things that are mildly annoying bcs i like the rest of it but if i see another fucking guilt trip 'reminder' i will lose it i will start mauling

[genderkoolaid]

i wish i could send screenshots but i blocked everyone involved to get rhe stupid post off my dash but i saw a post that was like "hey its ok for trans women to just look like men" and then in the comments was some transandrophobe being like "yeah trans men get such a pass to look however they want even if they cant be bothered to bind ppl treat them like men all the time but trans women will get killed if we arent dressed to the nines" and someone was like hey this is wrong? and then even when OP finally stepped into say it was wrong for the one commenter to put down trans men she STILL SAID that the trans guy defending himself in the comments was in the wrong for "making it about trans men" when he was literally just trying to defend us. it made me so mad. "cant be bothered to bind" has been like a ping pong ball stuck in my head all night because of that post. cant be fucking bothered to bind like im just being too lazy abt it and not like fat or disabled or too poor to afford a quality binder lmao cant be bothered. good fucking grief.

Yeah jfc

Again like I have no doubt a lot of times this comes from real frustration and hurt but like good God. these people really have so much ingrained hatred for trans men they refuse to recognize. like not only is "can't be bothered to bind" so fucking insensitive. but also the idea that trans men who look like cis women are treated like cis men????

like not saying said person is aligned with baeddel beliefs but i was checking out @baeddel-txt a day ago and it just reminds me of how folks who follow that ideology truly concocted this fantasy world where cis society kisses the ground trans men walk on and trans men are "male classed" by virtue of identifying as men. like so extremely dissociated from the lived experiences of non passing trans men. people will jump through every hoop in the circus to avoid saying that trans men just might experience misogyny on occasion

[night-dark-woods]

15, 21, 23, 24!!

THANK U ECHO this got so long oops.

15. that one thing you see in fanart all the time

hmmm not destiny-specific (i dont have any d2 specific gripes i dont think) & i mostly follow cool gay & trans ppl so this is much less of an issue than in the wider fandom (every so often some Main Fandom Art makes its way to me and i do a full double take) but like. i knowww they are almost all the same character model in-game but can we please get some characters who arent super skinny supermodels in here. please.

21. part of canon you think is overhyped

not to sound like an edgelord but. the traveler. if we can acknowledge that the Darkness isnt ontologically Evil, i think we can (PLEASE) acknowledge that the Light isnt inherently good. and im not talking about the superpowers we get, they've (narrative team) made it quite clear that individuals choose to do what they will with based on their own morals. but the traveler is, imo, positioned as a Morally Good Agent Of The Light far more than the witness is Of The Darkness, and i think we need to talk more about the traveler's agenda!!! again, this complexity isnt completely absent from the narrative, but it doesnt feel like those interpretations are... metatextually supported igss? like zavala's frustration with the traveler leaving feels more like a very christian (as someone who was not raised religious) test of faith that zavala (and the canonical YW) have Passed and will be Rewarded.

where's tevis my best friend tevis. we need more characters with that pov. god is real god resurrected you god gave you a second chance at life with no memories of your past and a guardian angel (a "chattering oversoul," to quote toland) to tell you where to go and who deserves to die and raise you every time you fail just to throw you back into the divine crusade. like. lets talk about that a little more!!!

23. ship you've unwillingly come around to

this is hard bc i am in general very willing to "yes-and" ANYTHING with a hint of chemistry or a fun dynamic. it may not compell me but if you can point out a narrative similarity btwn characters i will almost always be down. unless its one i hate ("hate" being a strong word. really its just the strongest possible apathy) bc i contain multiudes :thumbsup:.

i can't think of a pairing i started out disliking and then changed my mind about due to fandom unfortunately. the closest would be igss that i hate crow/amanda as its written in the text BUT my perhaps controversial opinion is i think transitioning could fix crow specifically the version of crow i have in my head who did not get uldren's memories back. SotL was so good for the overarching plot of d2 but so so so bad for the type of awoken-enjoyer i am & imo the like... thesis statement of what a guardian is lol!

so unfortunately i dont have an answer for this one (i dont think "i like the pretend version i made up in my head" counts as coming around on a ship lmfao), bc you can pair any two destiny women and ill be like yeah for sure! and i have curated my online space well enough that i rarely see any other kind of ship, and when i do its gay men (o14, uldren/jolyon, someone i follow is cooking something with saladin/drifter which is inspired. i love whatever is happening there) which is like cheering absently for a sports team idc about but support on principle.

24. topic that brings up the most rancid discourse

mara. its always fucking mara. literally spent an hour and a half last night rehashing d1 mara-course in a server with someone who has not read any lore. which is fine! thats a fine way to engage with the game! its a valuable perspective! but use i-statements and accept that you are coming to the table with 10% of the facts about the character.

honorable mention goes to anything about redemption arcs (and savathun specifically)- most recently that fuuucking saint killing sav repeatedly lore tab. and if you (general) cant be assed to care about evil women (skill issue, but whatever), thats also backsliding YEARS on saints characterization and i dont even care about saint!!!

so really the answer is misogyny lmfao.

[bulliness]

(cw for mentions of sexual assault) Speaking of, it's been driving me CRAZY because I've seen not one but multiple LGBT people proudly "come out" as pedophiles recently and then claim they were only getting hate for being LGBT like if y'all don't read the fucking room... "thought crime" my ass. I really don't vibe with the idea that because someone is sexualizing something on the Internet that means they can't possibly be doing that crime in real life. My older sibling was in online spaces regarding anime, furries, fandom etc. I won't go into details but he sexually abused multiple children, family members, and animals. Whenever I see someone bragging about these things and showing no remorse online I can't convince myself they aren't doing it irl! I know it's my trauma but it really happened to me it does cause real harm, I have PTSD and am constantly suicidal. "thought crime" im sure child abusers are giddy as hell about the pro pedo sentiment that's getting more popular in spaces that used to be more safe. I feel like I'm going to chew off my arm. Sorry, something about imaginary sister in your post made me go !!! bc I was the sister but I definitely wasn't imaginary, yk? In the past couple years I keep seeing these 4chan esque morally reprehensible arguments that make no sense. "kill the cop in your head that says assaulting people in their most formative years is wrong" bitch do you hear yourself?! I've been here a long while and I miss the days you could talk about wanting to kill your rapist when this site was, at the very least, larping as feminist. I'm literally too scared to bring this up on my own blog bc sometimes pedos will send ppl who disagree with them csam. Also I'm not trying to start the most triggering rancid internet shit storm ever in my notifs :/ I did not mean to write out this much omg. You dont have to post this btw lol

No you're fine!! I completely agree that people have gotten way more comfortable being open about being into these things in the name of "queerness" and it actively detrimental to the community.

There was a time when even I was being accused of pedophilia baselessly, that thankfully didn't result in any harassment because all my mutuals called the anon on their shit. So like, yeah, there's baseless accusations and hate campaigns against innocent trans people (mostly women).

But the whole point is that these women DON'T have "MAP" or "big sister" or whatever in their bios. The second you do that shit, you stop being a victim to me because you thought what you jerk off to was more important than the safety and comforts of people that faced abuse.

It's just really frustrating having to scan every tag and post on a blog before following, just in case they're a secret freak. He'll, the reason I didn't know about this blog is because her tag for it wasn't something I'd thought to check on her blog. Actually pisses me off.

Anyway I hope you can avoid this stuff as much as possible. This is quite literally the first time I've been caught off guard like this, because everyone I follow is chill and rarely get into arguments with these people. Good luck 💜

[succubratty]

So far, so good: my journey getting more involved with my kinks and sexuality

CW: fart kink/mention of kinks in general/personal

I found this old long-ass writing about my journey through this kink, I'm going to turn 28 this Saturday, and I feel kind of old because most of my mutuals and people I follow in this community are just starting their 20s.

I don't know if this can be of any help or just entertaining to read, just wanted to share it. 🥰

When I realized I had this fetish, I was in such denial because I felt like a double freak or something. After all, I also have a scat kink.

I found out during my adolescence, and I always felt terrible about it; even when I turned 18 giving space to my sexual stuff was always hard for me.

When I came out as a transgirl at 22, the sexual stuff also came out, so I decided to give it a shot and express my fart fetish (and other sex-related stuff).

I created a secondary Tumblr account to meet with people, this was back in 2016, and the fart fetish community back then was so broad. 

I've met many friendly people and was so happy to finally talk openly about it.

I did some sexting for the first time and a bunch of stuff that was very new to me; talking with ppl from other countries with the same fetish as you is so cool.

So months passed, and some girls really wanted to meet me, and I was so excited; I did some skype sessions and tried my best to speak good English. 😅 

So here it is when the sad part begins; I only did skype meetings because most of these girls lived in the USA, and I'm from Chile. 😭

Until this day, I've never met a girl from my country that has this fetish; Chilean people tend to be super conservative with their sex life, and talking about regular vanilla sex is too much, even scandalous.

I started virtual sex work, too, because I was so broke. 

I made some customs, mostly scat and pee, and the payment was reasonable.

It helped me save money for my HRT and other medical expenses and made me feel good about myself.

I always have been insecure about my body; being a chubby trans girl experiencing dysmorphia and dysphoria simultaneously, it's never a good combo. 

Doing this helped me work on my self-esteem; I was also going through a big depressive crisis.

I was thrilled to express my sexuality, but the funny thing Is that during that time, I was still a big virgin, and I have never dated a girl before, I had never kissed a girl before, and so on and so forth.

I tried tinder and all kinds of dating apps. 

The frustrating thing about those apps is that they were so f*cking binary, like they didn't have more options than "male" or "female."

Anyways dating was always hard as fuck for me, and coming out didn't make it easier; I had many bad angsty moments, tons of transphobia, and all kinds of shitty stuff.

I was really discouraged from everything and was ready to quit, but in 2017, I started chatting with a girl.

She was from my country, followed my fetish Tumblr account, and did virtual sex work, too, her content was more BDSM oriented than anything, so we matched very quickly.

After a couple months of talking, she asked me on an IRL date; I was so blushed; I had never been asked on a date before; on the dating apps, I just meet with someone after uni or work, and we see if it worked or not, it was like that, at least for me.

Since the first date, I wanted to be super honest, I told her about my fart fetish, and she laughed, "I know, dummy, I see the stuff you reblog on your Tumblr; we are mutuals, remember?" 

I blushed but always needed to double-check things because anxiety kills me.

She was super cool about it; after I told her that, she gave me a face of relief and added, "It's so good because I fart a lot, and I don't want to hold my farts during our dates" we both laughed a lot.

On our first date, we went to see a movie; we barely watched it because she kissed me with so much enthusiasm, and I was like, holy shit, my first kiss EVER, and they were so many in a row with so much intensity. 🙈

Welp, five years later, she is now my fiancé. 🥰

She's not into this kink per se, she doesn't get turned on by my farts, but I can fart around her; it took me like six months, but I finally could do it.

She gets so turned on indulging me with her farts during our regular dates, especially during sex.

Non-consent farting over someone turns me off, so If I fart in front of her, it doesn't turn me on.

We've talked about searching for a girl/femme-aligned person who could be interested in being our play partner/friend with my fetishes, someone who wants to worship my ass and eat my farts out. 🤭

Our relationship is open in many ways, but I love her with my life; she's my best friend, my partner in crime, my everything.

I'm eager to find some play partners and make a stinky mess together. 🙈

And that's my story.

If you read this till the end, thank you so much!

I appreciate it a lot. 🥰

SuccuBratty 💖

[intersex-support]

Right now I'm doing testing for a bunch of other stuff (neurological, chronic pain, all the stuff that's scary as hell to ask a doctor to test you for) but after I'm done all that, I want to ask my doctor to test to see if I'm any intersex variant, mostly on the basis of my body shape being uncommon for my GAAB, I grew facial hair as a child to the point where people would point it out, and I have tuberous breasts (which are apparently common for some intersex ppl).

I'm not gonna ask you to diagnose me, dw. I was wondering if there's a source for how to ask my doctor, how to explain my reasoning for wanting to be tested, and what the different tests involve!

I'm also a trans man, and this is mostly just my weird anxiety but I was wondering if doctors are less likely to test those who are trans? Like in my head, I imagine the doctor responding with something intersexist & transphobic like "oh you're trans, of course you think you're intersex" and brushing me off. Thank you!

Hi! It definitely sounds like you could be intersex, and I think it makes a lot of sense that you want to talk to your doctor. I can't really think of a source for how to talk with doctors, but I can give you some tips that I found helpful.

Firstly, the more you know about yourself going in, the better. If you can identify all the reasons why you might think you're intersex, knowing those before you go in can be good! I think a good way to ask a doctor if you want to be tested is listing off all the reasons why you might think you're intersex, and also if you can tell the doctor how it is impacting your life, that can also be beneficial. Like in my case, I went in and told the doctor that I was having irregular periods, and that it was negatively affecting my life so I wanted to figure out why it was happening. They were more willing to help when I emphasized that it was affecting my life.

I'd honestly suggest not telling the doctor that you think you might be intersex unless you know that the doctor is intersex or LGBTQ friendly. Many doctors don't even know what intersex means, and I think sometimes it's easier to just start off by asking them to test your hormones, thyroid, other endocrinology stuff, and then follow up from there. Sometimes coming in and saying that you think you're intersex makes them less likely to treat you seriously. However, if you think that your doctor will be helpful, it might be worth saying that you think you might be intersex because your experiences are similar to intersex people you know. That can help doctors know where to start helping you.

There's no one set of tests for discovering if someone is intersex, because there is so much diversity in intersex variations. Without knowing more about your experiences I can't give you super specific information, but generally, doctors will start out with testing your Testosterone and Estrogen levels, and usually other endocrinology tests like thyroid, sometimes cortisol, insulin-things like that. Depending on your variation, they might also do physical examinations.

I think what's most important to remember is that you always have the right for equitable and respectful healthcare, and if they are not treating you well, you have the right to ask them to stop, request another doctor, and stand up for yourself. I have such a hard time doing that, so sometimes I like to bring a support person with me who can help me advocate for myself.

As far as how being trans affects intersex care and diagnosis, I don't want to scare people away from seeking testing because there are definitely good doctors out there, but many trans intersex people have experienced a lot of discrimination at the doctors and reluctance to offer help. I have had some really frustrating experiences being trans and intersex where doctors have blamed me being trans on me being intersex, as well as the other way around. So I don't want to lie and say that it won't happen, but I also do want to make sure to emphasize that this isn't a certainty that the doctor will react that way. And if they do act that way, fuck them for being assholes. There's nothing wrong with being trans and exploring the possibility of being intersex.

I'm also going to include a link to a brochure InterAct made about what intersex youth wished doctors know. I know this isn't really what you asked for, but you might find something helpful there.

I wish you the best of luck and feel free to reach out with whatever questions or support you need!

-Mod E

[stirringwinds]

the past 2 weeks have been legitimately and comically surreal for me, because of how long i’ve just been ignoring spn even though it was all over my dash for years on tumblr (i followed those ppl for other things). and now i can’t get this ridiculous show off my brain. not because i think it’s perfect—but because it had some pretty interesting themes and compelling character dynamics in the earlier seasons—and went off the fucking rails like a derailing freight train. and oh man, if there’s one thing that gets me sucked into any fandom—it’s precisely when canon is lacking and/or unsatisfactory because that kind of frustration is what prompts fan-content. it just gets me thinking of all the potential Fix-Its and reinterpretations. like, with hetalia, there’s so much space for everyone to expand the concept and characterisation because of the boundlessness of history. 

with spn...it’s ‘the worldbuilding is interesting and ive come to care about these characters’ but also ‘what the Fuck ???? is This 😒’ with the canon plot and the bullshit treatment of multiple characters esp women, characters of colour, lgbt+ characters. i’ve started going here for only like 2 weeks and i feel like i’m alr a 2000 year old roman salt mine re: kevin tran and castiel lol. it’s like...one other series i absolutely love is LOTR/The Silmarillion and I really like looking at fanart for it, but i don’t feel as much of an urge to make as much fancontent because while it’s not perfect (because no piece of media can be that) the ending/character choices don’t infuriate me to the degree that spn does lol.

[alwaysahiccupandastrid]

can I just say, I can't believe ppl are somewhat "demonizing" (for lack of better word) eddie redmayne for what he said. never said he agreed with JK's opinions, he was just condemning the ppl who were sending her death threats and malicious comments. I understand that nothing she receives can measure up to the threat that trans ppl have to live with every single day just for wanting to be themselves. but I just wish ppl wouldn't bash him for both condemning the threats towards her and for disagreeing with her. he NEVER said he believed the same as her or anything like that. I'm so sorry this is a ramble but I hope you don't mind, it's just a frustrating situation. it seems you can't be on "both sides" without being bashed for it.

I don’t mind, anon! That’s exactly what’s going on - he’s being demonized.

As you said, he’s already spoken out and said that he does NOT agree with JK Rowling’s comments, and that trans women are real women, trans men are real men etc. He’s already said that and made it clear that he doesn’t agree with her views on the matter.

But suddenly because he said “sending her r@pe and death threats is vile” that means he’s supporting her???

I do not support her, but it’s not about supporting her or her views - it’s common human fucking decency to not send vile messages to someone like that, to threaten someone even if they are bigots.

Here’s the thing: in my opinion, the best thing we can do is simply ignore her. Do not give her publicity or attention - just let her fade into obscurity as much as possible. Clearly attempting to reason with and educate her aren’t working, and sending her death threats will achieve nothing.

Because regardless of how you look at it, this is exactly WHAT the TERFs and RadFem cult want - they WANT trans rights activists and supporters to send rude or threatening messages, they want to be able to use it and say “see, trans women / their supporters are dangerous and threatening us!!!”

Don’t get me wrong, there’s been many a time I’ve thought of smacking the bitch, but I don’t send that to her - it just makes me look stupid and violent, and unable to reason or debate with differing views. And whilst I agree that trans rights are human rights and not something that is opinion based (why is it so hard to understand that trans people just want to live their lives and have rights???), screaming and yelling and threatening gets you nowhere.

Also, here’s the thing: how do you think a survivor of sexual assault / abuse feels seeing that shit being aimed at themselves or at anyone? Even if it’s someone they hate? Last year I was in a position where I was ‘harassed’ (I don’t feel comfortable calling it ‘assault’ because I feel I was very lucky and it could have been far worse) and I had to leave a job I had just started (it happened at this new job on the first day) with no back up or anything in place to support me because of what happened. And even though what happened to me was fairly mild in the grand scheme of things, I feel sick when I see people threatening things like they have - maybe it’s because of what happened, maybe it’s just because I’m a woman and it’s a sad fact of life that it’s a constant danger for us. But it just... there’s no excuse for threatening people or sending them vile messages like that.

I understand the argument that “oh she’s a millionaire” “she’s dangerous” “online threats are not equal to the actual danger to the trans community she’s perpetuating” - and I agree, I get it. The fact that she has 14 million twitter followers that she’s spreading her TERF rhetoric too is incredibly dangerous, just think of the younger people who are newer to twitter/feminism/this debate, they see JK Rowling - multi-millionaire author of a beloved book series - saying these things, it’ll influence them. Radical feminism and TERF-ism (for lack of a better word) has always seemed like a cult to me, the way they recruit and influence and plant these ideas/seeds of hatred inside people’s heads. Maybe that’s just me though, I don’t know.

I’m rambling but what I’m trying to say is that I fully understand what people are saying regarding Eddie Redmayne apparently equalising the online vitriol JKR is getting to the transphobia and struggles trans people have to put up with every day that gets harder due to to people like her... But I’m seeing people on twitter “cancelling” him, people saying “I hope he dies in a car crash” “fuck him” “he’s trash”, insulting him, his appearance, his acting, bringing up the controversy with The Danish Girl (which he’s spoken about and acknowledged/apologized for) etc. And I’m honestly so tired of it. I’m tired of this toxic mentality where if you say something like “hey maybe don’t send assault/death threats to even shitty people”, you’re suddenly “trash”, “problematic” and should be cancelled.

I am honestly just so done. This seems to be mostly the Potter/Beasts fandom, and this is one of the reasons why I don’t actively participate in the Harry Potter and Fantastic Beasts fandoms anymore, because I’m tired of the toxicity and bullshit. None of the other fandoms I’ve been in are THIS obsessed with policing the actors and fans / cancelling people for the smallest thing. It’s so tiring, and it makes my enjoyment and excitement of the series drop so low.

[bisluthq]

in the last week i've seen so many ppl in their teens and early 20s talking about how following you know who affected them negatively when they were younger and idk if it was Kickstarted by ttb4 or someone else before them but its been eyeopening to see. on gaylor twitter on debunking ttbs blog and on other gaylor blogs. and imo I think this is why straight woman shouldnt be given a leader role in lgbt fandoms. they accidentally mess lgbt teens up cos they dont understand how to handle stuff pro

Yeah it’s heartbreaking. Like genuinely. I’m so sorry for every kid who has felt like they were not enough for questioning themselves and going back and forth, or for not coming out, or who second guessed if they “looked” gay in pictures if they were closeted for safety reasons. I’m also sorry to every convert who wondered if their conversion was valid, to every Jewish kid who was told if they wear a crop top or pose with a Christmas tree they are bad Jews, to every single kid whose identity was dismissed or brushed aside. I’m so, so sorry and I want to tell every single one of these young people that they are fucking valid and enough.

But this is also where we can learn a very valuable lesson about staying in our designated lanes because I don’t think TTB is a bad human being. I think she is fundamentally good - just like I think most people are fundamentally good. Like I like do poke fun at her but it’s out of frustration, not because I think she is actually evil. No person is ever truly evil, IMO. But I’m frustrated with her because people have been saying and saying and saying to her that she’s hurting them and she hasn’t fucking listened. She has talked over them and erased their experiences and... well, and that’s where we can, as I say, learn a very valuable lesson.

Because what I think happened was TTB saw two very hot women and decided they’d make a very hot couple (which... fair). It’s not like you can’t stan queer people when you’re straight. We need allies, right? There’s absolutely nothing wrong with stanning Kaylor - or some other queer couple - as a straight person. But you shouldn’t try and be the leading voice on the issue because you’re bound to get stuff wrong. And if you’re willing to learn, like, fair. If you’re genuinely just interested and wanting to hear about the person or people you love, I have no issue with that. Like every Karlie or Dianna blog I’ve ever interacted with and corrected on issues around Judaism, has been extremely cool about it. Because they love Karlie and Dianna and they want to get it right. Which like fair. You don’t need to be Jewish to fangirl over Karlie or Dianna Agron or Bar Rafaeli or whoever. But if you talk over marginalized people? Not cool.

Like there’s, as I say, a super valuable lesson here and it applies to everyone like it’s not that I’m above it. So for example I love Megan Thee Stallion. I think she’s so hot, and so fucking funny, and her music is banging, and she is so smart and witty and I like... love her. Truly. Deeply. Should I run a blog on Meg that attempts to be The Meg blog? (For the record I don’t want to be The Anything blog I’m just fucking about and having fun rn but obvi we have a Tay Swift focus - but this shouldn’t be The Taylor blog lmao because I’m a clown). The answer is a resounding no. No, I shouldn’t. Because I would get stuff wrong. Not because I’d want to. Not because I’m not an ally. I am. But I’m not a Black woman and I don’t have that experience and it would be exhausting for Black women to have to keep educating so it wouldn’t be a fair ask - even if I were to listen (which I would but it’d still be taxing af). I LOVE Elliot Page in every thing he’s ever done since Juno. I was fucking obsessed with that movie. Should I attempt to become an authority on him and his life? No because I’d get stuff wrong and it would be exhausting for trans people to keep teaching me.

Now is there anything wrong with me stanning Black women? No. Is there anything wrong with me stanning trans people? No. But should I attempt to be the loudest voice on these people? No. Because I’ll get stuff wrong. And it will, as I say, become exhausting to folks who correct me and will be harmful to young people who look to me as an authority. So it’ll become a problem. Which is what happened here, right? Like I say this is a very very valuable lesson that I hope everyone - especially my younger readers - takes away from this mess.

And honestly, again, I don’t think TTB is a bad person and I wish she would just listen to what we’re saying instead of what she wants to hear us saying. Like I wish she’d take a deep breath, listen to understand and hear and not to respond, apologize to the marginalized folks she hurt and come back and just... have fun. Yet again let me reiterate that I had nothing to do with TTB’s deletion and I didn’t ask any of these kids to come forward - but I’m so proud of them and glad they did. I think TTB is probably a lovely person and a good friend to the other hard Kays. She’s welcome to come clown 🤡 but she must first do the work.

And to do the work she must sit down and hear what people are saying. And apologize.

[sweet-xoxo-thatcares]

I have ptsd back pain and pain in my right shoulder whenever I'm reminded of the painful moments, out of body experiences where JA hurt me while being vulnerable sexually, emotionally, mentally. I hate that it's close to the spot where my back sprained from falling backwards and catching myself on the steps that night from that fight with mom. Jay hit me with that umbrella higher than that spot, and now they're connected.

Even the times they abandoned me and left me on read, blocked me for months and I had to deal with hallucinations and insomnia, as if jaiden (their little alter identity) would come into my room in the middle of the night to help me sleep. I knew something had to be wrong for all this to come after being heart broken and treated so badly. The emotional abuse and the sexual abuse of boundaries and respect, the being made fun of, pulled back in to be used, then just leaving me again for somebody uglier and meaner than me.

These idiots have no idea and they don't care. And I wish I could pass all that unwanted ptsd back pain, stress, and reminders and memories that I have so they would know exactly how it feels to be the one they tortured for so long, on and off, going back and forth making me the bad guy to when I would pop off cause I had enough of being treated like shit. Like no normal human being with emotions wouldn't have tried to kick both of their asses either. And I'm sick of my dad looking at me crazy that I'm still upset about a bitch that broke my heart, took my money, and gave more to the dumb fat, ugly, rude bitch they were escaping from and cheating on.

I wish they knew how it feels to come home after a long day of work only to find yourself uncontrollable breathing, shaking, paranoid, sad, angry, frustrated, having a panic attack because some other bitch reminded me of them on tinder, so now I can't even dare date any new girls to move on from them.

My trust issues and intimacy scars are still there, strong in fold because of Jay and Ayunna. And I want consequences for both. I want them charged, fucked up in the face, beat till they can't fucking breathe, beat in the same spots in my back and my chest the exact same spots I feel those ptsd burns and pains.

I want them to burn just like they did me.

And it's stupid and senseless how they think they should even be claimed the victim and charge me with harassment to where I could go to jail and I didn't even touch them. I sent texts. So you're telling me my words hurt you that bad, you felt that threatened like a scared little fucking Karen, to get the cops called on me to take me to jail over some fucking texts?

Are you out of your fucking mind??? And you did even more worse shit to me??!! Bitch I can have yo ass go to jail for fraud, stealing money, and clothes from Walmart, and sexual assault, and fucking battery for punching me in my fucking leg because you thought it was funny. You had the audacity to ask me for my bank account numbers when I was drunk to where I couldn't even walk straight, same way you did when you hit me on my back when I could barely walk because you dares me to get high off of the whole blunt, you didn't care. Couldn't even defend myself because I was cross high...and you didn't even ask me for permission on some stupid bdsm shit.

Fucking hate yo black ass and the bitch that you with, still enabling you. Making me think I'm paranoid because I said I'm scared and I wanna leave. Yall made me think everything I did was wrong, and yall were entitled to gaslight me, humiliate me, and guilt trip into saying sorry for my reactions to being miserable and being mistreated, for even just walking out on yall when yall didn't even deserve shit from me.

Yall just wanted to control me, control my self esteem, control how I thought and how I felt about yall, just so you could torture me more for your stupid, sadistic, abusive sex toy, sex slave game. And I'm through with it. I hope the next bitch is smarter enough to catch on quicker and throw yall in jail, call the cops on yall. Let's see how you like being abused like that in there, you wouldn't like it if somebody did it to you, but you still do it to other people, then want to tag team the victim as if I'm in the wrong for being in pain. The pain that you started and brought up, cause yall got shit to deal with. Yo own daddy beat you till you got a cracked skull, so now you think its ok to beat me, because you still hurt by him?

LOOK IN THE FUCKING MIRROR JOCELYN YOU DOING IT JUST LIKE HIM!

FOLLOW IN YOUR DADDY FOOTSTEPS AND SEE WHERE IT GETS YOU.

I DONT CARE ABOUT THAT DUMB BITCH IN THE WHEELCHAIR THAT WHOOPED YO ASS TOO. SOUND LIKE YOU NEED TO HEAL FROM ALL THOSE FUCKING DEMONS INSTEAD TAKING ADVANTAGE OF GIRLS JUST LIKE ME AND THE OLD YOU.

YOU SUCK AT REDEEMING YOURSELF AND HAVE THE BALLS TO POINT THE FINGER AT ME WHEN I DIDN'T DO NOTHING BUT USE MY WORDS.

YOU THE BITCH THAT LIKE PUTTING YOUR HANDS ON WOMEN, CALLING US BITCHES, AND SLUTS, AND DEGRADING THEM JUST BECAUSE "oH iM tRaNs. I dOnT hAvE tO respect women."

You think you can push us around, tell us to bend over so you can penetrate us dry till we bleed, because you don't give a fuck about pleasing women either as a partner. No wonder ayunna asked me to fuck her. You don't like giving head, foreplay, boobs, none of that shit, but just torture it. Torture all of it.

You don't know how to be intimate, only abuse them and make fun of them. You're a tormenter and you'll always be like that. You don't even know how to make love to your soon to be wife, and it's been 2yrs and yall still engaged...the fuck who waits that long to be engaged and still sleeping with other ppl separately. Yall stupid, ignorant asses. Don't know nothing about sex, pleasing a woman, and making love.

No wonder yall separating everything. Even bought your own cats individually. Don't even know how to share or cooperate with other ppl. So damn controlling, you want other people to follow your damn orders with no input, no compromise. Like a fucking tyrant. It's your highway to hell. Lie in it. Die in it. I don't care. But trust, I will beat yo ass like you stole something the next time I see you and that dumb hoe you with. Cause she stupid too. Still letting you get a hall pass, when you can't even follow the rules you agreed to follow with her. You stupid cheating ass. Yall ain't shit.

[sagemoderocklee]

not to like bring attention back to the weird ask from last night but i don’t like to assume that someone is straight shipping because as a bisexual i find it incredibly frustrating the conversation around m/f ships as if bisexuality doesn’t exist or is somehow less than being gay. i don’t know who this anon is or how they view gaara or tenten (i’m assuming tenten based on the anon prior to that ask about having something against ppl who ship gaara with women). like maybe the anon does see these characters as bisexual. i see tenten as bisexual but i only ship her with neji. doesn’t mean she’s straight in my mind, and someone assuming i’m straight for shipping her and neji or making rude comments to me would piss me off. so i don’t wanna assume.

now with all that being said, i see gaara as gay not bisexual. i think there’s a lot of intersection in experiences ofc but being gay and being bi aren’t the same, and the textual evidence just doesn’t support gaara being attracted to women at all. 🤷🏻‍♀️ if someone sees him as bi that’s fine—more power to bisexuality in shipping/fandom, and it not being treated as “gay lite” or less fucking evolved or what the fuck ever than pansexuality—but i don’t and i don’t want to see content of gaara with women at all because it feels wrong to me. there are times when a ship with two ppl who’ve never interacted is like totally innocuous to me, there are even times where i’m like “oh that’s good!”, and then there are times where i just cannot fathom the leaps in logic to get character a and character b together. that’s how i see ships with gaara and just about everyone besides lee and—hate to say it—naruto. but this is especially how i see it with him and the female characters. so while my reaction to the anon with the gaara/tenten ask was like to balk at the suggestion and be kinda off the cuff with my response, it wasn’t in any way suggesting assumptions about the anon and how they ship gaara. i don’t know. i can’t know from an anonymous ask with just a few words. and the follow up ask wasn’t asking about him being straight but him being shipped with women.

anyways i’m mostly responding to this because i want to emphasize that bisexuality isn’t a lesser option, and to bring attention to assuming straightness or cisness when presented with an m/f ship, because as a bisexual and nonbinary person i am actually kind of tired of those sorts of comments. it’s alienating, biphobic, and transphobic because straight trans ppl aren’t less a part of the lgbt community eighter. and pls understand i’m not saying you were trying to be like that. i’m just using this moment to point this out because i am tired.

[ingayderzim]

not to be that person who asks a googleable question but wtf is hazbin hotel bc i googled it and the only “critical” thing i could find was a typo-ridden article of someone saying it has good animation and its haters are stupid. i was able to glean what it is/what it’s about but idk about the discourse lmao

Im actually so glad u asked this. Here's the lowdown, this is my definitive answer to hazbin shit from here on out, unless new info comes about of course.

Hazbin hotel is an independent cartoon by vivziepop. Most people (that ive seen) have agreed that the pilot of the show really isnt that great but the reason it has so many fans is bc of the entertaining livestreams, massive amounts of canon content produced (she has had these characters for years), unique art style, and the characters. (Ass ugly but unique.)

Its haters are totally justified bc of some of the "controversial" (read: bad) things vivziepop has done. Here's the conclusion that my friends and classmates (several of whom are Black, one Hispanic woman, and one trans woman...nellie if ur reading this i 💜 u) and i came to after discussing this stuff. I am NOT saying "well my black/trans friend said it's ok so i dont have to think about it!" this is based on a few different conversations that my friends and i have had about this topic so what im saying is that my opinion was formed by talking about this situation with multiple people affected by the controversy.

One controversial thing is a drawing u can easily find on google (called beastiality.jpg i believe?) It's a cropped (chest and up, but hes obv naked) drawing of vivziepops character, drawn by vivziepop, moaning, with a snake around him. The character is 17. Many people have interpreted this as child porn. I dont think this image is pornographic, i think it's a stupid joke (it was even tagged as a joke iirc) and completely inappropriate but since it's 8 years old on top of not being porn, i think it's just an example of a dumb drawing. That being said, i would NEVER argue that someone who is uncomfortable w the drawing (im uncomfortable with it! It's gross just not porn) or considers it porn is wrong. They are entitled to that opinion and i would never expose them to vivziepops work or talk about her stuff around them if they expressed to me that they disliked the image.

Another thing is that she drew a doodle of two racist TERFs. This is the one where my friends of color, my friends who are black, and my friends who are trans women took the lead. I sat back for this part and here's their and my opinion on this after talking about it and verbally going through this whole situation.

She was following these women (who had done blackface and stuff) and drew art of them. The art was a "quick doodle" that she did apologize for and she said she didn't realize the extent of their beliefs. She knew they werent great but hadnt consumed much of their content in depth. I believe her bc while ive never followed anyone as bad, ive certainly followed some pieces of shit and didnt notice for months simply bc im not online all the time and bc of the volume of people i follow, combined with the non chronological algorithms lately.

At the risk of screwing myself, im going to admit that there was about a year or so of my life where i enjoyed The Amazing Atheist. I was even subbed to him. I was a nonbinary lesbian (2 things he cant stand lmaoo) in catholic school and therefore i strictly watched his videos about theological stuff since thats what was frustrating me at the time. I had no clue the type of evil racist, transphobic, homophobic (yes ik hes bi), misogynistic things he thought, said, and did, bc i didnt watch those videos. I literally only watched select theological ones that could be of use to me while edgily debating my teachers (sorry mrs macdougal but u had it coming). I was about 15 at the time and im 19 now. Im sorry to everyone i hurt by ever having supported him. I had one of his quotes written in the inside of my religion notebook in high school. I regretted it and ripped the page out the moment i discovered the truth about him. I cant stress enough how much I HATE HIM. Thats an example of what i think happened here tho.

One of my friends who is a trans woman said (paraphrasing) "i think the worst thing shes done is that terf art but i believe the apology especially bc it was a quick drawing."

That being said, i would NEVER argue with someone who wanted nothing to do w vivziepop bc of this. That's their right. 100%. I would never expose them to her work after that.

The last thing i remember is something about a pedophilic couple in a comic but i heard it was a 17 year old and a 19 year old. Im 19 and if one of my peers did that i wouldnt say pedophile but id say ur a fucking weirdo, BUT, the kids were fake and being written by an adult so i can totally see her thinking that age gap is much less of a big deal than it really is. Like she forgot what it's like at this age. Idk how true any of that part is tho, i heard that info entirely secondhand.

Another thing to do with racism is that there's a joke within the show where one character says to the other

"don't get your taco in a twist"

"Was that supposed to be racist or sexist?"

"Whichever one pisses you off more"

I thought that was gross but one of my friends pointed out that vivziepop is of el salvadorian descent so that's her business. Like if i made a lesbian joke of equal or greater offensiveness than that and someone tried to call me lesbophobic over it id be like "that's literally my territory."

Oh speaking of which that character's name is vaggie and shes a lesbian but it's not pronounced w the same G you'd hear in "vagina." Vivziepop seems to name characters weirdly (like how in helluva boss theres a guy named blitzo and the o is silent) so maybe it's a pussy joke but i have no idea.

The animation was.................better than i could do, i wanna say the faces and gestures were good but god i remember there was a part with a car and my gf had to pause so i could laugh my ass off at it. I wouldn't describe the animation as a highlight but i liked the style in motion i thought it was a fun change. Vivziepops style is not appealing imo but i appreciate it as an art student and as someone whose friends all like she ra and steven universe where every character looks the goddamn motherfucking same, and while its chaotic and i dont care for it, the style actually works way better in motion than you'd think.

A good rule that i def use is to assume hazbin fans are guilty until proven innocent. If someone says they dont care about the discourse surrounding it and like it no matter what, RUN! They would support the show even if the creator was in fact a pedophile, or had done the blackface/was a terf herself! They probably support some horrible ppl and are probably "anti antis." A lot of them are minors tho so i'd say block and move on.

So, do i like it or not? Im an art student and all my friends like it so while i didnt think it was funny, i do fuck with it. At the convention this weekend my friends and i had a convo that led to me drawing an ahego hoodie where the faces were angel dust (a character's) face. It was a joke that i could make a killing by selling that in a booth at a con.

Theres really nothing compelling about the show but my friends like it so i join in on their conversations, and i do have a soft spot for angel dust bc he's like a worse, less amazing and gorgeous version of one of my characters, Candy, the love of my life.

A lot of people say the show was edgy/offensive and maybe im just desensitized but besides the taco thing i didnt pick up on that whatsoever??? The Archer episode "Swiss Miss" is worse than helluva boss and hazbin combined and even archer isn't offensive.

Im probably not aware of all the "discourse" (aka people being reasonably uncomfortable by weird and bad shit this random woman has done, and other ppl saying their opinions are wrong when it's literally just an opinion about a show) so if anything she's done isnt included in here it's not to defend vivziepop, this is genuinely all i know. I wouldnt describe myself as a fan of hers.

[feraldavestrider]

Honestly when you started saying you need dysphoria to be trans I was this close to hitting the unfollow button but I agree with you. sometimes people say "I don't have dysphoria I'm just happier as this gender" and like ??? maybe you should consider how happy you actually were before whatever transitioning you did. Sometimes I feel kinda empty and don't wanna do things. I'm not sad and I can deal with it indefinitely but guess what, that's still depression. Not all dysphoria is obvious.

yeah!! ill be honest i was mostly frustrated and i just woke up when i wrote that stuff so i wont b surprised if i lost some followers who didnt get what i meant/thought i was truscum/transmed,,,, or if ppl just dont agree which is life. but im glad u got what i meant!

**edit i made before i posted this i say “you” a lot in this and i mean like a general audience you mostly pointed towards like. op and those that agree ok note over**

i by NO means am trying to police ppls identifies or suggest that all experiences w dysphoria are the same. or that u should ever need to share details on those experiences! you dont owe anyone anything.

my main issue is that “tucute”/mogai tumblr propagates this idea that you can just be trans without feeling any discomfit w ur agab, and the associated name, pronouns, ur physical form (ie some various forms of dysphoria). because then what are we boiling being trans down to???? saying youre trans/nonbinary just bc you may dress in a gnc/non conventional manner or because u act/talk/have certain hobbies that are gendered in a way that doesnt fit ur assigned gender???? if you genuinely feel NO issue with ur agab at ALL then chief... u probably arent trans!! and thats ok! a lot of ppl i know have ided as trans at some point in their life and actually realised they were experiencing something else, like body dysmorphia or internalised lesbophobia. 

like u said, dysphoria can sometimes just be... not bery apparent. it can be silent, but its still there. im very skeptical of the idea of ppl habinf gender “euphoria” without the dysphoria n using that to explain their transness but mostly bc i just beliebe those ppl r dysphoric without realising it, probably bc of mogai/tucute tumblr culture! i.e. i didnt realise how bad i actually experienced name dysphoria until AFTER i changed my name basicaly everywhere except legally and w my family. bc i was like huh! im so euphoric at being called gabe, but i didnt think i felt thay dysphoric at my birth name! but NOW when i get deadnamed, it like. HURTS most of the time. dysphoria can change like that w ur life experiences, and euphoria doesnt exist without the dysphoria, evem if u arent aware of the dysphoria in rhe first place! like u said anon, how okay could u be w ur agab/birth name/assigned pronouns/etc if being called different ones make u so happy. its just dysphoria!!!

! u just have been indoctrinated by this tucute v truscum war where both sides treat dysphoria as an all encompassing tragic, epic life long suffering. truscum act thay way in order to gatekeep who is/isnt trans, and mogais decided thay RATHER than go, “no dumbass dysphoria can be literally just. hih i feel Wrong abt my agab” even if thats a vague and complicated feeling, they went: ok then we dont need dysphoria fuck u! which i INDERSYAND but its just not right or helpful!

 often dysphoria can change w experiences and comes and goes, and sometimes parts of it are so hodden u wont realise it was there until years later in ur life! and thats ok. you dont have to experience every symptom of dysphoria at 100% tragedy pain mode to be a valid Real Transgender. all you need to be trans is... to be trans. which means dysphoria! bc being trans is being uneasy/unhappy w ur assigned gender bc u arent that! and guess what the definition of dysphoria is... being uneasy and unhappy! so being trans is just having gender dysphoria!

on that note, i think that ppl who DONT actually feel uneasy or unhappy w their birth gender but do want to experiment or explore different modes of expression w names/pronouns/dress style should! but just note tjay like... ur probably just gender non comforming, not transgender

i guess being nonbinary is a little more complex but id argue my point still stands. you are uncomfortable w ur birth gender. thats dysphoria. maybe ur dysphoria seems “”””weird”””” bc ur nb dusphoria but its not. its still dysphoria!  if ur afab and u still want to have long hair... thay dossnt mean u dont have dysphoria. if ur agab and you still want to have armpit and leg hair... thay doesnt mean u dont have dysphoria. whether ur nb or binary trans! bc. you WILL have some form of social/personal dysphoria that is what makes u go HM ASSIGNED GENDER BAD! 

ok im done for now im abt to sleep and then get on an 11 hour plane journey so dont expect anything gr8 from me now or anytime near in the future sorry for my big rants but i just feel like tumblr is so black n white on this issue when both aides are! stupid (obviously transmeds/truscum r worse but still!!! mogai tend to get me heated in a New Fun way). 

sorry 4 word vomiting anon bit thanks 4 ur ask i wasnt sure if anyone would get where i was coming from n im glad u agree!!! thank u fr for sending tjis in. habe a good noght/day/whatever 

[andysnorwayaffairs]

Final Project

Pt 1; a perfect ending. feeling a rush of shared excitement - finally! just like me!

warmth, embraced, a queer kind of friendship. we sat in the grass and talked about how our lives were growing up, how our queerness was realized and how it affected the way we walk in the world. our stories are so similar yet so, so different. miles and miles of time away, you announce to your friends that you’re probably maybe gay. you start a spark in their minds, and soon after you’re deemed the trail blazer of coming out. you are brave, do you know it? you were the person who i wished for. so desperate for approval from others, and not meeting anyone like you, i took it upon myself to starve my queerness, the differentness, the part of me that i knew i could definitely be hated for. and i can’t stand the thought of being hated. and a part of me hated myself for who i was. i was taught that i couldn’t love like that, that it wasn’t *real*, that anything other than normal is impossible, wrong, destructive. so i listened, and i believed them. not completely, that is also true. that’s why i never stopped immersing myself in online queer culture, why i desperately searched for any sign of queerness in the online personas i followed and in the fiction that i read. we talked about this too, how we’d entrench ourselves in media and later realize that we were part of the group we were so obsessed with. finally... just like me

you opened your heart so quickly - your friends, they tell me that they’re so happy that you’ve met me. you open a window into your life and lend a hand to help me hop in. i see how you love others, and how they love you. we run through the lawn of a backyard riddled with ripe fruit and laugh like children at how sweet the juice is. we share a meal and spend hours talking about nothing and everything. i sometimes stop and listen to the chatter, and i feel complete warmth even when i cannot understand what is being said. we read the cards i brought and i learn how each of you sees love. i see the way you interact with your loved ones, the way you so deeply care to spend time with them. letting go, giggling in giddy joy, acting like absolute fools. finally, just like me

cried a farewell last night

thank you for offering me a bizarre, unfair amount of kindness

thank you for showing me a glimpse of your life, your entire world

thank you for extending a hand in friendship, in solidarity

thank you for being my friend

I feel like my time here, my glimpse into another person’s life, feels like a glimpse into an alternate timeline. A timeline in which I accepted myself from the beginning. A timeline in which I told a friend about my crush on Jen from Buzzfeed. A timeline when I refused to normalize myself, refused to uphold the boundaries that were unfairly placed on me. A timeline when I was brave. A timeline when I stopped being so damn scared. A timeline when I realized that my friends would still stay friends with me, and those who didn’t want to, I should let go of anyways. There will always be people who don’t match up with your values, your energies, your being. I won’t lie to myself and say that it wouldn’t hurt like a bitch, but it’s a hard fact of life that homophobes, transphobes, racists, xenophobes, ie bigots exist and there will be always be bullies and people who don’t care about you, who WANT to put you down, who want to hurt you. In a world of power, there will be those with some and those without. I was given a small window into my friend’s life and saw a life pathway built around friendships who learn and grow right alongside you. I’ve always thought about that – what if? What if I let go earlier? In my timeline, the forces around me were not as kind to me. I was told queerness was ugly, so utterly upside down. I didn’t have anyone to tell me otherwise. Perhaps if I had a positive role model to tell me that it WAS okay, that it was beautiful and wonderful. Perhaps if I had a friend like them in my life who was the first to come out and encouraged others by simply living their life the way THEY want to, perhaps I would have had the courage to do so earlier. I can’t change the past.

But I can think about how the events of my past shaped my present, and how my present shapes my future. Thank God - I DID let go! There’s no race to live your truth, but oh god it feels so good to do it NOW. I’m so thankful that I found the bravery these people I know now have embraced so many years ago. I feel like my own person, like an entire human soul. I don’t feel the need to please anyone. This queer experience, of finding yourself and maybe even fearing yourself, but, ultimately, coming to love yourself despite dominant society failing you, that is a queer experience. Regardless of any experience, something we all share is having to live in a world that ultimately does not accept us, does not want us.

An ode to knowing that although things are different here, and that there’s no possible way that I could have had a similar timeline just simply because of how different our spheres and worlds are... despite this, despite the fear and self hate and internal violence I was forced into because of the life I was born into, despite all of this, I was still able to find myself and love myself and find others who love me for my whole humanness.

There’s a lot of work to be done in the world, for our lives and our safety and our happiness. I think the friends I’ve met here are doing that work. Through their love for each other and thus their refusal to conform, to stay quiet, to accept the norms in place.

Meeting this special friend may have been completely chance, but I believe fate had a little bit to do with it too. To give me this window, to let me see what beauty it is to allow a person to be themselves. The sooner, the better.

____ DISCUSSION

Pt 3:

It’s funny to see how these ppl’s reflections of their lives fit in line with exactly what we discussed through our readings and class discussions. Norway may be progressive in law, but not necessarily in practice. Each of the queer people I asked this about, or asked them to speak about their queer experience, expressed frustration at there not being much of a strong queer community here, and how they still experienced everyday oppression (you may call these micro aggressions).

Nordic model of inclusion + welfare, making this a space where it is looked down upon to discriminate for someone’s sexuality

A different relationship to Christianity

In the U.S., I grew up in a heavily queerphobic, heavily strict and monitored environment where I was even monitoring myself, reprimanding myself for all of the gay content I was consuming but allowing myself to keep doing it because I was “outside” of the community and thus could not be associated with it or have to think of the consequences.

In middle school I was fully aware that I had strong crushes on gay female celebrities but was petrified of sharing that information with anyone.

I shut myself down immediately, but continued to consume gay, lgbt, and trans media for years and years after, allowing myself to do this because I could convince myself that I was just “a straight girl” who was a big fan of the community.

After coming to college and experiencing true freedom from the expectations and values placed on me, it took me less than three days to come to the realization that I was in fact, extremely not straight. It took me 6 more months to fully feel comfortable admitting to myself and claiming the label that I was gay. It took me another year to “come out” to all of my friends and folx I really cared about.

-talk about how this is a divide between my experience and the experiences of the friends I made here. L & their friends came out when they were extremely young, in middle school actually. Our timelines diverge here.

Only recently, I began to make friends on the shared experience of our queerness. Meeting my close friends now, sharing intimate + tender moments. Loving each other and supporting one another the way family might do. A queer kind of love shared in these emotional bonds. A kind of love I had not experienced before my full acceptance and life as a queer person. Tender, radical love.

Meeting L, sharing on our experience of being queer and trans. And not to say that their life in Norway is so much better. The Nordic model may allow for some general acceptance, but queerphobia still has its roots in other malicious ways. Many of L’s friends still don’t use their pronouns. A is called the slur version of the word lesbian, and she recognizes that being a lesbian is not favorable to society. She wants to be a prof of gender studies at her uni but told me that since there is already one queer person on staff, she’ll never be hired on.

M telling me about how even tho queer ppl are accepted on the outside, and in the law, in practice, not so much.

-A telling me that people hate lesbians

-in Norwegian, the word for lesbian is also really similar to the slur, “fucking lesbian”

CONNECTION TO THE FIRST ARTICLE WE READ

Norway’s state feminism and inclusion of queerness is heteronormative, only assimilating those that fit into the family, hetero model (thinking to naked sculpture park, extremely family oriented)

Same sex has to still be straight – family, private, culturally straight.

[chelfierambles]

About my personal relationship with attachments

Some reflection and venting of long-held feelings I’m finally getting off my chest.  Disclaimer, this isn’t about starting discussion or discourse. And though some things I’m gonna say have unfortunately involved real ppl in my life, this isn’t about others as it is about myself and my own relationship to this topic.  So yeah, pls don’t comment. And frankly, I don’t even really care if anyone reads this, I just need to write this for myself and say it in defiance to myself for staying silent for so long.

So yeah getting right to it then . . . . .

 This is a topic I’ve been, for a very long time, too fearful to talk about publicly.  In a strange way it feels like a coming-out post... like at this point I’d be more comfortable telling someone I’m trans then talking about how...

I’m a very unattached person.  

And it’s a weird, seemingly ridiculous thing to be ashamed about! And yet it is something I’ve held a deep silent shame over despite it being a very integral part of who I am that I took for granted.  I’ve vented about this occasionally behind closed doors to just my sibling from time to time, thinking it was just something I was uncomfortable with, but UUUUuuuuuuuuh after getting a universal butt-kicking, I now realize those little vents and rants weren’t little.  It was a serious sign that subconsciously, I was unhappy with something going on that I was unable to see at the time.

But what do I mean by unattached?     

By that I mean how much do you want to hold on to something? People, things, ideas and ideals.  Generally, I’m very stubborn with doing things a certain way, but when it no longer suits me, I have little trouble to make a complete 180 overnight.  Like as a kid I’d wear my hair a certain way for years, then one day, I just felt like cutting it and cut it off one day and just showed up with all of it chopped off. Cuz I felt like it.  That kind of attitude. I roll with things.  

And yeah that sounds fine and all, but then it gets sticky when people are involved. Both others, myself, things I’ve perceived about myself, how things are supposed or “should” be, think or feel. What’s the right or wrong way of doing things? I think there’s a tangled mess I got caught up with that made me ignore the kind of person I really am.   I had to end a close friendship I really cared about recently. Things happened. Things I felt wronged by. Things I fucked up (big time). And I look at it now and realize that so much of the issues wasn’t even about what happened but what has been underlying for a long time that I just couldn’t see until the whole mess unearthed everything about myself I never wanted to admit.  

Now I look back at it and I feel like a lot of my frustrations were born from me at a subconscious level already trying to leave a dynamic I wasn’t happy with and felt trapped by.  And it’s that dynamic of attachment that comes in different forms and different names.  

There’s several factors I think were at play.  My own standards I upheld myself to, my subconcious methods of interaction, and messages I internalized from outside and media representation.  For my own standards, I had my own rules to uphold for “How to be a good friend” that I followed by.  Always do your best, communicate, listen to what troubles the other person and when helping, try helping at the source as opposed to surface level comfort etc. Nothing wrong with this, but ultimately I wasn’t really good at figuring out when my own boundaries were being crossed by giving too much of myself (gotten better but still got a ways to go) or compromising on things I thought were compromiseable but now I realize actually... weren’t.   For interacting with others, I’ve always had a tendency to mirror. What you give me is what I give back.  Also sounds harmless. But once again, I realize by mirroring... I’m not actually behaving as I naturally would. I’m giving what I perceive is wanted on the other end. For someone who has a history of identity issues, this... is not ok to do to myself.   And then lastly, media representation. oh I have a bone to pick with this. I read so much bl so this trope is rampant, but I suppose this occurs in a lot of romance tropes in general. But... SO OFTEN is it portrayed that clingy jealous behavior is perceived as cute, a sign that someone really cares.  And whenever I read that I think about if it were to happen to me, I would nope so fast out of there. I don’t want to be clung on to by anybody.  If someone were to be jealous and possessive over me, I would feel trapped and chained up.  But it’s just happening so often in those narratives that all I see over and over again is someone being clingy and possessive is romantic. HNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn no. no it isn’t for me.   [Short side tangent here, this is not at all dissing these traits.  I’m not criticizing people who have these traits. I’m just saying how it’s not me, and not for me. ]

But ppl have different ways of showing affection. So what happens now when, I got my view of sticking by loyally and being good friend, while mirroring *someone else’s* means of affection, while getting messages over and over again that TO SHOW SOMEONE YOU CARE YOU HAVE TO SHOW HOW ATTACHED YOU ARE.   And being a good friend, having so early on hearing the other person’s fears of abandonment as: listen to friend’s woes, attack at source --> fear of abandonment means don’t do anything that can be perceived as abandonment --> WELP. CUE SWEATING NERVOUSLY AND SHOVE AWAY THAT DETAIL DEEP DOWN I’M NOT VERY ATTACHED TO THINGS IN GENERAL. And yes. People too. The closest people in my life, if life were to separate us, sure I can get lonely and miss people, (and I am very passionate with my feelings) But I go with the situation that’s in front of me. And so long as I know the other party is doing alright, I’m ok going on my merry way. I just want the best for the people around me, even if I’m not involved in it.  Best example of this, in grade school I had my close knit group of 3 other friends.  Like this was my besties group.  Come time for the first big decision of choosing a high school, *I CHOSE* to go to a different school than my other three friends who wanted to stick together.  I went with the school that seemed right for me. Like... that’s me.  I don’t have problems separating even from my closest family and friends.  

But now I just see... because I REALLY did care how the other person felt. because I REALLY did want to be the best person and friend I could possibly be. I wanted to make this person as happy as I could and ultimately that meant... not being true to myself. Because I was so so ashamed to admit that I just... didn’t care about things in the same way.  I was ashamed to not be the same. And during a really bad time, I’ve developed a feeling of responsibility over negative consequences that could happen if I slipped up.  I think that additional fear of what could happen and possibly physical harm or loss happening really solidified the need to hide these aspects of myself and this was the hardest to let go.   But as I’ve been working on myself for a while now, trying to becoming more true to myself,  and the more I do, the less I have been able to handle and go about things the way I used to.  Because thinking about it... it’s just such a fucked up thing TO DO TO MYSELF.  And I’m tired of living that way.  I’m tired of my own shit. Tired of thinking there’s something wrong with me because I don’t feel very attached even to the closest of people. And, true to my non-attached fashion, even my own ideals, I will throw them out overnight if they no longer work for me.  So that’s why, I’m spiting myself. The self that was too scared to say any of this. I’m going to just say it unapologetically. Get it out so I can finally move on.  I might have to relearn a lot of how I go about doing things now but I’m rather hopeful.  Once again proven that the more I do for myself the better it will be for the people around me anyway so I can avoid making the same mistakes again and communicate better (and faster if I actually.. ya know.. know what I want and don’t want).  I don’t want to live for anyone else anymore, I just want to live for myself, and live honestly. Own the fact I’m an un-attached person. Own the fact I roll and flow with whatever life brings. Never compromise on how important my space is to me.  Never compromise my own freedom.  Go back to being who I truly am.   AND HEY ZODIAC PEEPS SHOUTOUT TO FELLOW VENUS IN AQUARIUS! (<-- and that my friends, is the punchline to all this WHY THIS IS KINDA HILARIOUS) So yeah, that’s my spiel.  Get it out so I can let all this go and go back to just having fun again.