#it made so many songs have new interpretations and meanings

[kingofmyborrowedheart]

I don’t think any of the forthcoming vaults will recontextualize the album in quite the same way that Red’s vault did.

[b14augrana]

Open Arms

Two players, one last name. Only one of you is suffering from the legacy attached to it

Alexia Putellas x sister!reader

masterlist

Warnings: angst and/or hurt + bit of an inconclusive ending lol not happy or sad kinda just… 🫠

A/N: more alexia angst in the place of aapa pt. 4! heavily inspired by open arms by sza, and i highly recommend that you listen to it because this will make a whole lot more sense if you do + it’s amazing. this song is so dear to my heart and honestly one of my favourites ever, so i had to write something inspired by it because the meaning is so deep and interpretable in many ways. this is just one of them :)

You thought that playing for Barcelona was your lifelong dream.

It was a picturesque scene; two players sharing the same last name stepping onto the pitch in the same jersey. It had been your dream at one point, until you realised the influence of your sister was leading you to believe that.

This set something off in you, like it triggered a chain reaction of thoughts and epiphanies that led up to the inevitable.

It was so hard to shine as your own individual self, when all you were credited for was the name on your back and the uncanny resemblance you had to Alexia. You were good, you were so good, but nobody ever noticed. You knew it would stay like this forever if you didn’t do something for yourself.

You could remember your hometown of Mollet de Vallès to be a place that was rife with FC Barcelona pride; it would’ve been the ultimate betrayal to your neighbourhood if you hadn’t elected to play for the club. It would be the ultimate betrayal to leave them, as well.

You were born and raised in Barcelona. The culture, the people, the club, all of it was surely intertwined into your soul. That wouldn’t stop you from running away from every bit of it and breaking out of the manacles this city held you in.

If it wasn’t for your sister and the fact that all your years spent at the club was deeply rooted in the love you had for her, you would’ve been gone ages ago.

At first, you thought you were just having one of those days when nothing felt like it was going your way, but the feelings persisted and you became more acutely aware of the real problem — you were staying for Alexia, and her feelings were beginning to come above your career and self-esteem.

You could only spend so much time in the dark before you started craving the light. Living in her shadow was simply not good enough. You had spent enough of your life feeling hopeless.

Being on the same team as her meant that the closest you’d ever get to being called good is comparisons to your sister. Alexia was La Reina. Alexia was everything. You? Well… you were barely anything if not Alexia’s little sister, the other less impressive Putellas.

Talks with your agent made the decision you had to make crystal clear; you could continue to be downplayed as long as you stay at Barcelona, or you could leave the club and feel what it’s like to be appreciated for the skill you possess instead of your relations to Alexia.

The hardest part of this entire thing? Telling her.

You could pack your things and book your plane tickets, call your agent and tell him to start negotiating with clubs, let the board know that you’re leaving for good and never turning back, but breaking the news to Alexia was easier said than done.

When you were in her kitchen one night, bearing a burden on your shoulders, you hesitated to speak. The knowledge of your career at Barça coming to an end after one more match was severing your tongue, preventing you from speaking, and eventually you’d cave beneath it and keep it all to yourself until Alexia found out in the worst way possible. The deal was done, you put pen to paper, and you were set to join Bayern Munich. All that was left to do was tell Alexia.

Bayern Munich, so far away from Barcelona, it was perfect. You could restart and build a name for yourself, completely separated from your family name. Even if Alexia did get angry, you would be in Germany within the next month (give or take a week), so what did it matter?

Part of you had faith that she’d understand, recognise your intentions and not take it to heart. The entirety of you hoped and prayed for that.

“Alexia,” you started, turning around in your seat at the dining table to look at her while she poured herself a glass of water. She hummed in response to you, as to indicate that she was listening.

“I’m leaving the club. I’ve signed it — the contract — and it’s done. I’m going to Bayern.”

She turned off the faucet suddenly, standing at the sink with her back to you. Her grip on the glass tightened ever so slightly, and you could hear the deep breath she took.

“What?” she mumbled, turning around to look at you with eyes narrowed in disbelief. You glared at the table, nodding your head slightly.

“I’m going to Bayern,” you repeated, looking up to meet her now widened eyes as she placed her glass down. “I’m leaving Barça.”

She glanced at you, her eyes softening for a moment, and you could tell that she was barely registering the news.

“You can’t,” she responded, “Barça is your home, we belong here, both of us–”

There went any chances of her understanding you. That other part of you that knew she wouldn’t be rational about this, had been proven right. “You belong here, Alexia. I don’t,” you shot back, pointing at her with an almost accusing finger.

“What’s wrong with the club?” Alexia snapped. You glared at her, your angered façade crumbling away to reveal the true sadness that remained behind it.

“This club is your dream, (Y/N). I mean, I don’t get it,” she laughed, her expression seeping with disbelief, “You love it here, I love you here– don’t you remember? We used to talk about retiring here together, assisting each other and scoring from each other’s passes. Remember how you’ve always wanted to score a bicycle kick off one of my corners? Why do you want to leave, when we haven’t done all this, when there’s still so much for us to achieve?”

It wasn’t her fault that everyone kept you in the dark. Alexia would never want you at Barça if she knew this was going to happen. Still, you couldn’t cave now. There was no use in regretting anything, because it was done. Maybe if you had told her about your plans to leave, you would’ve felt this regret earlier, and things would’ve been different. Empty ‘what-ifs’ only reminded you that it was too late.

But still, her plea to make you stay was solely built on whatever regarded her. Not a single thing about what you wanted to do was taken into consideration.

“Tell me what made you want to leave, and I’ll make them change it. Just don’t ruin your career by leaving,” she continued.

“You know what?” you started, standing up so you were eye-to-eye with your sister, “I thought you out of all people would understand, but no. You’re selfish, Alexia. This is what’s best for me, I can’t stay here if I want to be any good!”

You were yelling, and you never liked to yell, but it felt like the only way to properly convey your feelings to the woman.

“I’m not even second best to you. Sometimes I feel like I’m only kept at this club to make you look good, and I am so, so sick of it. For years I’ve– I have no confidence left, no sense of pride in myself, I barely ever feel happy wearing this jersey because it’s always been your dream, not mine! I’m not the Putellas that belongs here, everyone knows that, so don’t try to make me stay because this is my only chance to be great. I want to be great, Alexia, and you should know better than anyone what it’s like to want that.”

It was only normal that you began to tear up amidst your words, and they trembled on your waterline as you spoke.

Alexia looked defeated.

More than anything, she felt unbridled amounts of guilt running rife through her. She wanted to reach out to you, hug you, tell you that everything would be alright and she never looked at you as a dim light that made hers look brighter, but she was glued to the spot, her muscles twitching and urging her to step forward with no avail.

“I love you, and I’ve stayed all this time for you. Honestly, I never even wanted to stay. You’re the only one that’s holding me down.” It was like a huge weight had been lifted off your shoulders, and in its place sat a mix of relief and guilt.

Alexia stayed silent, only a singular tear slipping down her cheek, the start of many that she would shed behind closed doors that night. It was more than just losing a teammate to her, and she wasn’t so emotional because her sister was leaving; it was the realisation that she didn’t know you very well in the first place, and the culpability of realising that she really had been holding you down.

That conversation was one of the last you had with Alexia in person. You played one last match for the Blaugrana, and then you left for Germany the following week.

Even weeks of knowing prior to your final match couldn’t soften the blow as Alexia stood on the pitch, clapping for you as you waved goodbye to the fans and teammates alike, tears brimming in your eyes that were akin to the ones rolling down her cheeks.

She walked up to you, and she embraced you like she never has before, like you were disappearing into nothingness instead of another country. You gripped her tightly, savouring the hug and trying to memorise the feeling, and when she pulled away, she had a pensive smile on her face.

“If you ever want to come back to me, I’ll always be right here with open arms. Cuídate, hermana.”

[melukonova]

LOVING SEPHIROTH, sephiroth x reader.

tw. mentions of his hurtful past, emotional abuse that miniroth didn't deserve :( this post can be seen as suggestive but it's left mostly to your interpretation

a/n. for @silverflqmes , my best friend who has inspired me to write yet again for something i love and for writing various requests for me, indulging me in my own happiness. you are never leaving this deep hole of ff7 that i dug for you AHAHAHAH! this is also for the many fans who have made fanfics and such that have shaped me now<3 much love to you all! (i will make more headcanons if this gets love) also sephiroth might be a little ooc since he's new territory of writing for me :,)

info. very lovable and soft sephiroth<3 very short blurbs! inspired by the song everything by lifehouse, i can see him relating about you, the reader, and how he feels for you. enjoy! pre-nibelheim!!!

𐚁. sephiroth's love language can be seen as quality time as seen with the time he spent with genesis and angeal, he grew very attached easily. i can see this in a similiar way since i'm sure once you've caught sephiroth's eye, you're happily in his heart. he enjoys just being together, perhaps he'll teach you how to use masamune (a toy version at least since he wants to protect you from injuries). don't get me wrong, every other love language applies for him too but i know he's happiest with the fact that you're there by his side.

𐚁. he is very awkward with affection so the first time you hold him, i think he wouldn't know what to do but he'll awkwardly pat your back while trying not to freak out a bit by being touched since he was experimented on as a child. please teach him how to love, he didn't get enough as kid... i think being patient with him would also warm his heart with you as well. he isn't the best with people, just in using his sword... which is why it's an anomaly to him if you stuck around for this long.

𐚁. indulging ellie on this one: sephiroth with a kitten. he probably is the one to adopt a kitten out of the two of you except what you didn't expect was him to basically mother the kitten. i think his wounds are still healing from the fact that the locket of his mother was torn away from him.. but you guys both loved that kitten very much, naming saikou which means radiance. it is the radiance of both of your lives and definitely a way to heal from your guys' pain, whatever it may be from your end but i know sephiroth suffers from loneliness and feeling not good enough. he feels this much less because of you though and of course, saikou. saikou is now your love rival... the kitty is his precious baby but you are his most prized treasure.

𐚁. while i said quality time is his favorite love language, i think that he likes physical affection as well since he never really knew what it's like to be loved. he wanted to learn though as well as learn to love you which led to teaching him how to cuddle. still very awkward, he's trying his very hardest as he pats your head and encases you into his body. eventually it led to couch cuddles every time he came home from work, he won't say it out loud but this is his favorite part of being able to be with you. he is so beyond smitten.

𐚁. as sephiroth had been in SOLDIER all of his life, he's not completely sure the best way to comfort you on many things but what he can do is to give you a better night! he'd come home with flowers since somehow zack had talked him into buying flowers from his girlfriend, what can i say? zack was a persuasive businessman and sephiroth had no clue how to be a good boyfriend. he'd probably panic if he couldn't make you feel better, he just wants you happy and would slay his enemies (those who wronged you). he'd indulge you in just about anything that you wanted to do between him trying on your favorite dress, self-care day with face masks, kisses all over to make you less insecure or just to feel more loved, an ice cream date, etc. you name it and it's done. he'd even sneak you into the training room on the SOLDIER floor to take you on a loving date with an even more beautiful sunset but all he could see was his sun, you.

𐚁. you already know his hair care routine since it was leaked from your mail, did i mention you were apart of sephiroth's fan club? he uses a WHOLE bottle of shampoo and conditioner. one day you had to braid his hair, adding in flowers to his hair as you braided it. he loved it since it kept his face clear for combat, meanwhile genesis and angeal snickered at him since his s/o made him look all pretty so none of his enemies would take him seriously. masamune said differently than his hair did. if somebody ruined the artwork of your braiding? they ALSO had a date with masamune.

𐚁. he doesn't like a lot of attention as many would say since he is so famous. this is the big question, how did you enter his life in comparison to the fangirls? you understood him. it was a new feeling for him and he didn't know how much he would end up loving it. no thirsting over how hot he was or saying how strong he had been. just a simple: "i know you've been working hard for so long, you deserve some rest," was enough to make him moved by you. nobody could compare to you in his innocent heart. he was so new to every experience, every hug, every kiss, and every touch you gave him. each time was something new that he had learned to love about you and eventually love about himself as well. you helped him to understand he was more than a monster, more than a soldier, more than just a test subject.

𐚁. what you hadn't expect is to find a loving sephiroth in the kitchen with you, holding you close to him as you listened to italian cooking music (the pasta addict in me thinks he'd want to learn more about pasta and its origin). his head was leaning down towards yours while staring down at your lips as you both had been swaying. his hand had been on your waist and the other had been moving up from your shoulder, over your neck slowly with care, to your soft cheek. capturing you in his lips, the water had boiled over but he didn't care at that moment. the thing he clung onto most was this moment because at this moment, sephiroth just knew. he was in love and he finally felt free as he deepened the kiss. he knew where home was and he was kissing his own home, taking in all of what makes you so lovable as well.

melukonova, 2024. 𐀔

[kailoraurelius]

I’ve been crying over “Falling in love with Chloe was an accident.” for the past 10 minutes wtf lmao 😭😭 thats so her I cant

That line alone needs its own story

Beca tried to read the dictionary once, back in elementary school. Her classes were boring and the kids around her were boring and she figured—with the logic of a child—reading the dictionary would mean she knew what everything meant and she'd be smarter and could finish school faster. It was a brilliant, flawless plan.

She didn't even make it through the A's, because reading the dictionary was boring too. Obviously.

But she remembers some of the words she read pretty well. And one in particular has been bugging her for a while now.

Accident—An event that happens by chance or that is without apparent or deliberate cause.

There's other, less cool definitions that pop up when she googles it to make sure she remembers right. But this is the definition that sticks out to her.

A lot of things in her life have happened by accident, she thinks. Accepting her dad's college deal to get him off her back accidentally led to her finishing out her degree. Landing the job in New York accidentally led to her and Jesse breaking up. (There was another, more pressing reason, but they've silently agreed to let this be the story for now.) Not being able to afford the ridiculous rent on her own accidentally led to her having to roommate with Chloe and Amy. And, related, not being able to afford more than a studio apartment, even with the three of them chipping in, accidentally led to her sharing a bed with Chloe. For the foreseeable future.

Which brings everything back around to that more pressing reason for her and Jesse's breakup...

Falling in love with Chloe was an accident. There was Jesse and he was cool. Not a great boyfriend, but a good one. And a great friend. Which felt like a good enough balance back then. It should have worked for her.

But there was also Chloe and she was...everything. Shockingly bold, hopelessly optimistic, and undyingly kind. And beautiful. The kind of beautiful that artists desperately attempt to create. The kind that makes Beca's stomach flutter when it's too close.

Jesse noticed it first. And it wasn't until he flat out said, "You're in love with Chloe" that she was able to fully accept it herself.

Falling in love with Chloe was an accident. Except...she doesn't think it was. Because how can there not be "apparent or deliberate cause" when Chloe is constantly running her fingers along Beca’s forearms just the way she likes or waking her in the mornings by shaking her with soft hands and even softer whispers. Is it "chance" that Chloe always knows exactly how Beca wants the music she makes to be interpreted? Just chance that Chloe can sense Beca's mood without her even speaking?

It can't be, Beca thinks as she sits on the end of their bed, watching Chloe. It's just the two of them, Amy out with Bumper for the evening, and Beca's just staring as Chloe dances around the kitchen while she cooks. She hums and sways her hips to whatever song is stuck in her head today. When it comes time to add the cheese to her pasta, she opens the fridge and pulls out the cheddar. Amy's favorite is cheddar. Chloe's is pepper jack and Beca knows for a fact that there's a bag of it in the fridge, right beside where the cheddar was. The spoon taps gently against the side of the pot, musically, as Chloe stirs with one hand and conducts a silent orchestra with the other.

And that can't all be chance. Can't all be without apparent or deliberate cause. Because Chloe was made to be loved. Designed to draw people in and make them want to build a home in her presence. Everyone falls in love with her, because how could they not? And Beca, in particular, feels targeted. Because it can't be an accident that this girl who is Beca's opposite in so many ways harmonizes with her so perfectly. It just can't be.

And maybe that's why Beca speaks up.

"I love you, you know."

Chloe nearly drops the spoon as she spins around. "What did you say?"

Another time, another version of herself, she may have taken it back. Or turned it into a joke so nothing would get weird or awkward. But right here and now, she's so certain that none of this is happenstance. It was inevitable. "I'm in love with you," Beca says, shrugging. "I have been for forever. And I don't know why the hell I decided to tell you right now, but uh." She shrugs again and stands up.

Chloe hasn't moved from her place at the stove and she watches with wide eyes and trembling hands as Beca crosses the distance between them.

"I don't know, dude. You just..." Awkwardly, Beca motions to the dinner on the stove and the kitchen in general that Chloe has been dancing in for the last hour. "I just wanted to...say it. I guess. And it's totally cool if you—"

Chloe kisses her like she was made to do just that. Her arms wrap around Beca's neck with the kind of ease born of years and years of friendly hugs and maybe cosmic design. And when Beca grabs her hips to pull her in closer, Chloe’s sigh sounds so much like, "Finally".

When Chloe eventually pulls back, it's with a smile Beca knows well. She saw it that day in the showers of Barden, on stages around the world, and almost every morning since they moved in together.

"I'm in love with you too. Totes ridiculously in love." Chloe laughs against her lips as she steals another kiss. "You have no idea how long I've wanted to do that."

"You should tell me." Beca grins when Chloe kisses her again for it.

"I will. But first." Chloe winces apologetically as she removes one arm from around Beca's neck and reveals she's still holding the cheese sauce-covered spoon. "I think I just got sauce on your shirt." She tugs Beca to the side to check her back. "Shit, I totally did. I'm sorry!"

Beca just laughs. "It's okay. It was an accident."

[aheathen-conceivably]

Long before the last note Antoine had grown aware of Zelda’s presence; but as he finished, he looked up at her with a newfound vulnerability in his eyes. As she stared at him unmoving, he absentmindedly moved his hand along the strings to fill the quiet left by the watching stars, “Was it alright, you think? Writing lyrics, it’s new. Harder than assembling notes, if you ask me.”

She looked at him in amazed silence. His original piano pieces had been brilliant, and sometimes he had written ditties for her to sing, but never before had she heard him sing his own lyrics. She had always known how much he loved it - this place that he had left but that walked alongside him everywhere he went; but it was so much clearer this way, so full of both love and hate, loyalty and disdain, longing and relief, that it was difficult for anything other than music to encompass it. 

She brought her hands together in something that may have been a clap if she wasn’t so afraid to disrupt the stillness of the desert air. On silent footsteps, she left her reverie behind and moved to sit where he had made room for her on the worn wooden bench.

She looked at him earnestly, trying to ease his fear with even just the movement of her eyes, “It’s brilliant, Antoine, truly.” And she meant it, not just because she was under his spell and not her own now; the judgmental eyes of God and her sisters were shut out when she was in his orbit. Now there was only him and his memories for her to get lost in. 

He left his hands on the strings, still playing the familiar notes as though they helped make the admittance easier to utter, “You were right, you know? When I play it’s like I can see it all laid out in front of me. Or better yet, under me. Like I’m above it, observing it all like a story. Makes me realize I loved it more than I thought I did. That house. That place. Her. I wrote it because I know it’s gone now, probably nothing but rubble under a cheap government build. I just don’t want to forget. Or maybe I don’t want the world to forget.”

The stars looked down on them as his smile widened with every inch she drew closer to him. They reflected brightly in her eyes as she leveled them to his, “Would you sing it again? So I can hear it better?”

He let out a small laugh, just as much in relief as in humor. “Surely you would prefer to sing it? With a voice like yours I would hate to imagine what mine must sound like.”

She brought her knee up on the bench with them, curling as close as she could without dislodging the guitar from his arms. “Hush and sing. You don’t need me now.”

“I always will, Mrs. Duplanchier. No matter what. But as you wish….” 🎶

Part 3/3

(As Antoine is meant to have written House of the Rising Son in this universe, I’m going to leave a little disclaimer about this song and its origins under the cut, in case you are interested!)

The origins of the song House of the Rising Sun are much older and more complicated than I have presented here. Folklorist Alan Lomax has written more on it if you are interested, but it is commonly thought to have originated as an English folk song, morphing into the version we know today amongst various groups of American immigrants.

Perhaps best known for its 1964 version by The Animals, it has long formed a staple of American folk, blues, rock, and country recordings, with recorded versions by everyone from Lead Belly, Woody Guthrie, Doc Watson, Nina Simone, Dolly Parton, Joni Mitchell, Bob Dylan, and Alt-J (amongst so many others). However, I have taken inspiration from the earliest known recorded version, which was done in Appalachia in 1933.

Of course, in having Antoine write this song I have compressed much of this history into a single figure, as well as slightly twisted the meaning of the song to fit the story line. The latter is mostly based on personal interpretation of the lyrics and is purposefully meant to draw a line from this family’s musical heritage through the 1960s and beyond. It also gives a face to the very real figures behind many of the staples of American music that have come to us from the early part of the 20th century, many of which were written or played by black men and women whose songs have continued onward while many of their names and stories may have been forgotten.

[bobohu4eva]

Illicit Affairs

Characters: Idol!Baekhyun x trainee/idol!Reader

Genre: smut, angst

Warnings: explicit unprotected sex, virgin sex, significant age gap, problematic relationship dynamics, this is purely a work of fiction and in no way representative of a healthy relationship

WC: 9.7k (trust me it needed to be that long)

A/N: Heavily inspired by the song, although the forbidden nature of the relationship is interpreted more as dealing with the age difference and dynamic, rather than being a result of infidelity. I definitely recommend giving it a listen before reading further.

Masterlist

He was one of the last people you met after becoming a trainee, but he was the one you'd been thinking about meeting the most. 

Baekhyun was the reason you decided to become a singer. He was the person that made you fall in love with music and singing ten years ago, so when you finally bumped into him in person, it left you breathless and flustered. 

He was even more gorgeous than you could've expected, and you'd already met many other idols by then. You'd been waiting for your vocal lesson one evening, and he was the person who went right before you. When his lesson ended, he walked out of the soundproof room, and he was standing right in front of you. 

The image of him you'd always had in your mind, based on the countless pictures and videos you'd seen of him throughout the years, couldn't compare at all. With him directly before you, in person, he looked so much better than you ever could've imagined. He was just wearing a black tshirt and sweats, no makeup, hair unstyled and even a bit messy, but you still had to fight off the urge to stare. He was quite a bit taller than you, and you could see the muscle definition in his chest and arms under the plain black shirt. Everything about him was just so perfectly shaped, to you. From his familiar but still somehow surprisingly handsome face, to his broad shoulders, down to his waist and hips. If you found him attractive before meeting him in person, you were down badly now. 

It was so natural and sweet how he greeted you, asking if you were new, and wishing you the best for your trainee journey. Of course you thanked him, but he could easily see how much the sudden meeting had shaken you up, so he kept it brief. 

From then on, you saw him there every week before your lesson, and found yourself looking forward to it every time. The greetings became short conversations, and eventually you even told him how he'd been the one to inspire you back in the day to also be a singer and eventually audition. You would never forget how those words made his face light up. 

“Really? Back then I had no idea what I was doing, I'm still surprised by how much people seemed to like me. It means a lot to hear that.” 

He had one of those special kinds of smiles that you only see a few times in your life. It made you feel seen, appreciated, like to him, you were the only other person that mattered. He had that kind of energy about him. 

All you could think to do was blush and smile back. Being around him was almost like some sort of high to you, the way your heart pounded and you got butterflies in your stomach.   

Finally your voice teacher popped his head out the door, clearing his throat. “Sorry, I've got a bit of a cold. We'll keep it short today.” 

Without missing a beat, Baekhyun spoke up. “If you need to take the night off I can take over her lesson.” He turned towards you, “Would you be okay with that?” 

Your eyes grew wide and your mouth opened slightly, but no words came out, so you just nodded. 

“You sure?” The teacher said, “That would be great, thank you.” 

“Of course, it's already pretty late, you should get some rest.” 

So, you were left with Baekhyun teaching your lesson for the evening. You were still dumbfounded as he led you back into the small soundproof room, and asked what you had learned in last week's lesson. 

You answered him, though it was barely above a whisper. Having him teaching you all of the sudden was not something you were mentally prepared for. 

However he still understood, and started leading you through some warm ups.

To say that you were blushing, embarrassed, mortified, or anything similar still felt like an understatement. Warm ups just aren't cute.They felt silly and sounded dumb and the idea of doing them in front of Baekhyun of all people made you want to curl up into a tiny ball and become one with the carpet on the floor. 

Of course Baekhyun quickly caught on to that. “How about we do them together? I'll start, and you just match me, ok?”  

His voice concealed your own enough to ease your mind a bit, but soon he was asking you to sing on your own, without his voice to hide behind. 

You could barely get out a sound, let alone properly sing a simple scale. It was frustrating beyond belief, you knew you were a good singer, and you were incredibly lucky to have him offer to teach you, but your shyness still got the best of you. Trying to do anything while his eyes were on you felt impossible. 

Baekhyun was starting to regret offering to do the lesson, not because he didn't want to, but because he felt he was making you uncomfortable. He loved the idea of mentoring a trainee, helping them develop their skills and getting to see them debut with his encouragement, it had even been a dream of his. Of course this was only one vocal lesson, but it was something he'd been thinking about for a while, and this seemed like a great opportunity, at least at first. But he knew he couldn't force it, and he didn't want to hold you back either.

“I'm sorry, I didn't really think this through. Should we call it a night?” He asked, and you felt your heart sink. The disappointment evident on your face must've told him that you weren't quite ready to give up yet, so he made you an offer. 

“What if I face the wall, and you close your eyes, just imagine I'm not here and you're practicing by yourself. Just so I can hear you and get a better idea for what we should work on.”

You took a deep breath. He was just another person, and he was here because he wanted to help you. 

When you nodded, he smiled, ready to give it your best shot before he turned away, facing the corner of the room. 

It actually came out sounding okay that time, so you repeated it again for good measure. 

When you opened your eyes Baekhyun was looking your way again, with a proud smile on his face.

He had you repeat it a few more times, reassuring you every time that you were doing well, and for you, just seeing him smiling and praising you was enough to keep you going. 

With you finally past your mental block, he was able to get an idea of where you were at, and both of you were surprised to see how quickly two hours went by. He still kept things simple, not wanting to overwhelm you or make you shy again, but it was going amazingly well and he found himself almost as excited about it as you, if not even more. 

With the lesson finally over, he offered to drive you back to your dorm on his way home, and you happily accepted. When he led you to his car, a silver Porsche, you let out a small laugh in disbelief. Baekhyun just smiled, making a little extra show out of opening the door for you, before circling around to get in himself. You stayed quiet, just listening to him softly sing along to the music he'd put on until it was time for him to drop you off. Part of you was still in disbelief, that you'd really spent the last few hours with him, and now, you were next to him in his car as he drove you home. When he pulled up to your dorm, he wished you a good night, and didn't move until he saw you enter the building safely. As you laid in bed that night you replayed it all in your mind, smiling like a fool at how heart fluttering it all was. For the first time, you couldn’t fall asleep because your reality was somehow even better than what you could dream up. 

One week later, when you arrived for your lesson again, you were surprised when Baekhyun and your original teacher said they wanted to discuss something with you. 

“How would you feel about having your vocal lessons with me from now on?” Baekhyun asked. 

They saw the surprise on your face, your first teacher nodding at what Baekhyun had said. 

“Wow, I mean, are you sure? It's an honor, of course, but, why..?” 

“Teaching is something I've been thinking a lot about lately and I really enjoyed our lesson last week. It's up to you, of course, but if you'd be interested then I'd love to be your new voice teacher.” 

You laughed, mostly in disbelief. It felt too good to be true. Baekhyun was someone you'd looked up to for so long, and now he was happily offering to personally help you with your singing. 

“You really mean that?” 

He was still smiling in that almost frustratingly captivating way, nodding at your question. “So should we get started?” 

Unlike the week prior you had a bit more confidence this time around, and both you and him thoroughly enjoyed the lesson. Every week that followed your voice grew even bolder, as you got more used to being around him. You got less nervous to see him, moreso happy and excited to get to sing with him, and having him as your teacher made you all the more dedicated to doing your absolute best. 

Soon you started to ask him about other things, too. First it was dancing, asking his advice for how to memorize choreographies more easily. Then, how to talk to the media, or how to pose for photo shoots. Within a few months Baekhyun was much more than just the voice teacher you saw once a week. He helped you with basically every aspect of becoming a successful idol, he became a mentor to you. 

You could never fully get used to it, to having him in your life in such a close way. Your heart would still flutter when he showed you that amazing smile of his, and you still refused to slack off on your vocals or dancing, because you wanted to impress him, but mostly because you’d get to see that very smile. He was every bit as lovely and charming as you’d always imagined he would be, and you fell hard for him, he made it impossible for you not to. With how sweet he was to you, it sometimes seemed like he might actually like you, as more than a student, but those were thoughts you pushed away, knowing realistically that a relationship with him was nothing more than a fantasy. 

It was only six months into being a trainee that you were told you would debut, and you knew that you had him to thank for it. Another few months later the day came, and it was time for you to perform with your group for the first time. 

As soon as you stepped off stage, out of the view of the cameras, you lost it. The tears weren't because you felt sad or disappointed, simply overwhelmed. You knew you'd done well, really well in fact. Your career had officially begun, and the weight of it came down on you all at once, leaving you with little to do but sit in your dressing room in disbelief.

There was a soft knock on the door, and next thing you knew Baekhyun’s head was peeking in, and you weren't sure you'd ever seen him smile that big before. 

Without as much as a second of hesitation, you ran to the door, pulling him inside. As the door shut behind him, his arms wrapped around you.

His praises almost went unheard, still too overwhelmed by everything to fully listen to what he was saying, but you could tell he was happy, that he thought you'd done really well. 

It wasn't long until his arms broke away, hands still on your shoulders as he looked at you, smiling that amazing smile of his. With him looking at you like that, telling you how well you'd done, how proud he was, how happy he was to be your mentor, your emotions ran wild. It was everything, the adrenaline, relief, euphoria, and just him. 

His eyes were still on your teary ones, admiring you, a little overwhelmed himself. Seeing you finally debut after the months he'd spent with you, singing together, dancing, doing everything he could to make sure you were ready when the day came, got him a little teary eyed, too. You'd done so well, and he felt so lucky to have gotten to be there by your side for all of it. 

“I'm so proud of you.” He said, his hands moving down from your shoulders, along your arms. His eyes held so much warmth behind them, the sweet words along with his hands on you, and the way he never took his eyes away from you, had you reeling, stomach doing flips. For a second you swore his face was getting closer to yours, and his eyes flickered down to your lips. The tension seemed so thick, it became unbearable. 

You threw your arms around him, and you kissed him.

At first he took a step back, stumbling a bit, too surprised to fully react. But before you had the chance to pull away, his hand was holding your face against his own, returning the same kind of passion you showed him.

Baekhyun, your endlessly kind, lovely, talented, handsome, funny, charming mentor, was kissing you back. With his free arm, he circled your waist and pulled you closer, flush with his chest. The hand on your face held you close so softly, asking, not demanding, for more contact, for this to not end so quickly. He gave you every chance to pull away, to stop him, but you didn't, you only melted into his affection even more. 

The knock on the door pulled you both rudely back to reality. Your lips parted, and as you stared at one another, what you'd just done started to sink in. Baekhyuns’ face fell in a way you’d never seen before, and then he was gone. He walked through the door with all the horror disgust he felt towards himself clearly evident and the knot in his stomach nearly made him sick. 

He knew he made a huge mistake. He fucked up so incredibly badly. 

You stood there stunned, a million things running through your head, and collapsed under the weight of it all. 

The stylist was confused to say the least after first witnessing Baekhyun’s swift exit and next finding you, sitting on the floor crying. Thankfully she excused herself and let you be.

Baekhyun kissed you, and then just walked out, leaving you alone and confused. The guilt nearly ate him alive. Returning your kiss crossed so many lines and he should've known better, and he did, but you caught him so off guard, in such an emotionally charged moment, it just happened. The sudden euphoria of realizing that you were kissing him overpowered any rational thought. He knew he must be insane. 

And of all days, it was the day of your debut.

He had to make this right. 

He returned to your waiting room but it was already empty. He kept walking around the building trying to find you, even running into your bandmates, but you were nowhere to be found. 

Then he tried calling you, but he was sent to voicemail after the first ring. You declined his call. Finally he texted you, although he really didn't want to have this conversation over text. He knew he needed to do a better job at apologizing than just sending a few texts 

“Can we please talk about this? I'm so sorry I just walked out, I wasn't thinking, I need to talk to you.” 

You didn't reply. 

The next day he called again, and still you didn't pick up. 

The truth was, you were too embarrassed. Seeing him again, after he'd rejected you like that, was just too mortifying to consider. You felt so stupid. Of course kissing him was an outrageously dumb thing to do. He was your mentor, of course anything romantic was off the table. But you had a crush, and the adrenaline, combined with how sweet he was to you, made you lose any sense of reason. 

Stupid little girl, kissing the man she never even had a chance with, because her emotions got the best of her. 

But then why did he kiss you back? 

That was what drove you insane. Of course you had a crush on him, it was painfully obvious from the first day you'd met him, but he'd always stayed professional, never giving you any reason to think that it was anything more than how a fan feels toward their idol, and that it ever would be. Unfortunately for you, your feelings towards him only got stronger over time. 

Baekhyun had convinced himself that it was a good thing you liked him, that with him as your mentor, you'd work that much harder. He thought it was cute, the same way he thought of other fans' attitudes towards him, during fansigns and the like. He hadn't considered that maybe he'd gotten a little too close with you, that those lines started to feel blurred. In reality, you weren't just another fan, you were far from it. You were a real friend, you knew him. 

It was easy for him to understand why you didn't want to see or talk to him after what happened. He knew he messed up, both when he kissed you back, and when he left the room. He couldn't even imagine what must've been going through your head. He hoped you weren't blaming yourself, sure you're an adult, but at ten whole years older than you, he knew he was the one responsible for making sure things stayed appropriate between you two, and he'd failed. 

To his relief, you still did amazing for the rest of the debut promotions. He watched every performance, wishing he could've been there to support you. 

Because of how busy you were you'd agreed a while ago to skip lessons for the first two weeks after debut, and as the days dragged on, Baekhyun was starting to worry that he wouldn't get to see you again for a lot longer than he'd like. He still knew he needed to apologize to you, and the longer you avoided him the guiltier he felt. 

When promotions ended and he still hadn't heard from you, he reached out to your manager, asking when you'd have time for a lesson again. 

She assured him that you'd be there next week at the same time and place as usual, and he breathed a sigh of relief. The days before the lesson dragged on for what felt like ages to him, but at least there was an end in sight. 

When the time finally came, you were mortified, almost as badly as the first day you'd met him, or during your first lesson together, maybe even worse. He greeted you just as warmly as he always did, emphasizing how well you'd done during all the performances, and how he wished he could've been there for you. He did everything he could to try and relieve some of the tension and awkwardness, but you weren't there yet. 

You were bright red, hating the unpleasant heat sweeping over you, burning your cheeks and making you uncomfortably sweaty. You couldn't talk to him, or even make eye contact, you were still too ashamed. 

“Y/n?” You saw in your peripheral how he looked at you, and your eyes started to water. “I need to apologize for what happened after the showcase, I'm so sorry, I never should've put you in that situation, or kissed you back, or just left like I did. I was being reckless and stupid, the fault is all mine, and I understand if not, but I really hope you can forgive me.” 

His heart sank when you started to cry, and although he'd told himself a million times that he wouldn't, that any physical contact with you was inappropriate, he still ended up holding you, giving you a shoulder to cry on. 

“I'm such a fucking idiot.” You eventually let out between sobs, and he detached himself from you, finally meeting your eyes. 

“Please don't say that, this is all on me. I'm the one who fucked up, not you.” 

“But I'm the one- I-”

“Because I was being inappropriate. Like I said, I shouldn't have put you in that situation, that was my mistake.”

“I'm just so embarrassed.” It came out barely above a whisper. 

“Nobody saw us, and I could never judge you for that. I know you just got caught up in the moment.” 

You did your best to smile and nod, but the tears just kept coming. His words were sweet but did little to mend the pain and shame you still felt. 

He wanted to reach out and wipe away your tears, to hold you, to comfort you as best he could, but he knew it would only worsen things. Once again, however, when you leaned into him for comfort, he let you do as you pleased, cursing himself for letting his very necessary boundaries slip away so easily. 

This was bad, he knew it was. He didn't have the strength to push you away though he really should've. If this was going to continue, he had to do better, but he was coming to terms with the fact that he just wasn't able to. 

He stayed holding you until the tears eventually slowed down, and came to a stop. Now that your face wasn't buried in his chest anymore, he shot you a soft smile. “Do you want to get to singing?” 

Finally, you let out a small laugh. “Do we have to? Can we just talk? I missed you.” 

He sighed, but nodded. He'd missed you too, but saying so didn't feel like a good idea. 

He kept the conversation light, trying to make you laugh, anything to brighten your mood, if only for a little while. When the end of the lesson came, he knew he was going to have to be the bearer of bad news. 

“Next week I promise we can actually sing again.” You told him as he led you to his car to bring you home. 

He took a few deep breaths, and you were on your way to your dorm when he finally replied. 

“I don't think it's a good idea for me to be mentoring you, or giving your lessons anymore.” 

“What?” 

He stopped at a red light, and the look of hurt and disappointment he saw when he looked over at you made his throat feel tight. 

“I'll talk to your original voice teacher, to see when he can fit you into his schedule again, now that you're getting more advanced it'll be better for you to train with him anyway.”

You felt your lip start to quiver again. “You just don't want to be around me anymore now, I get it.” You mumbled, trying to hide the shakiness in your voice. 

Baekhyun’s eyes squeezed shut for a second, “it's really not that, not at all.” 

He was pulling up to your dorm and you just wanted to get away from him now before he saw you start to cry again. “You don't have to keep lying to me, I know I'm the one who fucked everything up with that stupid kiss.” 

He parked, trying to think of how he could finally convince you that it wasn't your fault, but you were reaching for the door before he had the chance to say anything. 

“Y/n, wait, please-” 

You were already gone though, shutting the door behind you. As soon as you were outside of his car the tears came, and you tried to wipe them away as best you could as you hurried to your dorm. 

When you got to the elevator you prayed nobody would see you like this. You'd spent so much of the evening in tears, you knew you looked an absolute mess. You just wanted to get to your room where you could finally be alone and let it all out. 

“Y/n, wait!” 

You turned around, and there he was, jogging towards where you stood. Your stomach suddenly felt like it was in your throat, and then he was in front of you once again, this time taking both of your hands in his.

“I don't know what to tell you, for you to believe me, but it's not your fault, I swear. I- I don't want to stop teaching you either, really, but I can't keep being alone with you, not when I can't trust myself.” 

All you could do was stare back at him, knowing that you were a tearful mess. What he was telling you didn't make any sense in your mind. You kissed him. Not the other way around. 

“Please say something.” He was still panting a little as he said it, winded from having run after you. 

“What does that even m-mean, you can't trust yourself? I'm the one who kissed you, and I'm definitely not stupid enough to try that again, so what does it matter?” 

“I already told you, I shouldn't have put you, or us, in that situation in the first place.” 

“But that doesn't fucking matter! Who cares if we're alone, we've been alone for the last two hours and it was fine.” 

Only it really hadn't been fine, he knew that he shouldn't have been touching you at all.

You were staring back at him through tear filled eyes, and he felt absolutely terrible. He wanted to be able to comfort you, and eventually just gave in, throwing caution to the wind and wrapping his arms around you. 

He just didn't have it in him to stand and watch you cry, knowing that he was the reason. This time he felt the way you grabbed onto the back of his shirt, keeping him from moving away. 

“Please don't cry, I'm sorry, really, I just want what's best for you. We would still see each other occasionally around the company, it's not like this is goodbye forever.” 

“I- I don't want lessons with anyone else. You're the whole reason I was able to debut, you can't just leave me now. Please.” 

You were still holding onto him, and with every “please” you added, he was slipping. He hoped that you would eventually calm down, and he would be able to reason with you, to finally make you understand why he couldn't be around you so much anymore. 

He had no such luck. All you could think about was how badly you would miss him, how lost you would feel if he stopped mentoring you, the last few weeks had been bad enough already, the only thing that got you through without him was your embarrassment and how busy you'd been. You couldn't lose him, you needed him. 

Every minute that he listened to you cry because of him, he felt his rationality fade. As much as he knew he needed to distance himself, he wasn't going to do it if it hurt you that badly. 

You felt him take a deep breath, and finally, a soft “okay” fell from his lips. 

It wasn't until then that he felt your grip on him loosen, and you looked up at him. 

“What? Really?” You sniffled, face still wet. 

He nodded, running one hand through your hair, moving it from where it had started to stick to your face. 

Once again, your arms were thrown around him, but at least this time, it was because you were happy. You must've said thank you to him a million times that night, as you felt the relief wash over you. Baekhyun was all too aware of the way your chest pressed against his own. 

When he was finally free of your arms around him, you were beaming up at him, and he couldn't help but smile back. “You should get to your dorm before people start getting worried.” 

You nodded, pressing the button and hugging him one more time before the elevator arrived. 

“Bye” he waved, as you stepped inside and the doors started to shut “see you next week.” 

He knew he was in too deep, and he was a fool to give in to you, but now it was too late. He was going to have to live with his decision and try to keep things from going further, but he 

knew deep down that realistically, he didn’t have that kind of self control, not with you. 

~

Baekhyun hadn’t planned on seeing you again until the next lesson, but when your debut song entered the top ten on all the major charts just a few days later, he wanted to celebrate, and invited you to a nice dinner. That day you spent hours getting ready, putting on your favorite dress and making sure your hair and makeup were perfect. You knew that it wasn’t a date, but the way you felt leading up to him arriving could’ve fooled you. 

He picked you up and drove you to the restaurant, pulling up in the back where there was already somebody waiting to lead you to a private dining area where you’d be out of sight of the public. You hadn’t really thought about it, but you understood why it would probably be better for your dinner with him to stay between the two of you. 

It was the first time you’d been around him just to hang out, more as a friend than a student, and you thought it was magical. You were nervous at first, still having all of the past drama with him on your mind, but he was his usual wonderful self, easily leading the conversation, making you laugh until your stomach hurt, and he too felt it, how easy and right this was. You ended up at the restaurant with him for over two hours, neither of you wanting the night to end. Finally the awkward tension from the previous weeks was gone, replaced with optimism and gratitude for still having him in your life. 

When he finally dropped you off, he got out of the car to walk you inside, and you ended up alone with him, standing in front of the elevator once again. 

“Thank you for tonight,” You started, “everything still feels kind of surreal, I can’t believe this is actually my life now. And it’s all thanks to you.” 

“You always had it in you.” He said and smiled that lovely warm smile. You were about to press the button to take you upstairs, but he stopped you, looking around to make sure you were alone. “Wait- I know I tell you all the time that I’m proud of you and how far you’ve come, but I really can’t say it enough. I’m really lucky that I get to teach you. You have something special, truly.” 

You and him got stuck in a weird place, neither one talking, but not making any effort to leave either. The way he was looking at you pulled you in, and you thought you saw something flash across his face, something you hadn’t seen before. He stepped closer, close enough that you could feel his breath against your skin, and your heart rate skyrocketed, confused. He wasn’t sure what came over him, he must be insane. 

“Baekhyun?” You barely whispered, but he didn’t explain himself, instead he leaned in, and he kissed you. 

Your mind was going a million miles a minute and it made no sense to you whatsoever, but he was kissing you, softly, sweetly, like something out of one of the many day dreams you’d had about him. As quickly as it started he was pulling away again, his face tinted a deep shade of pink, smiling a bit bashfully at you, still too shocked to react. 

“Goodnight.” He whispered, and then he was walking back to his car. 

After that, things felt completely different with him. The hugs got longer, his words sweeter, and every time he dropped you off, he’d again kiss you goodnight. It wasn’t only after your weekly lessons together that he would drive you around either, you and him began to spend more and more time together, and had to get more and more cautious about not being seen. 

You would sneak out in big hoodies with a mask on to walk to where he was waiting in the parking lot, just to drive around all night with him in one of his fancy cars, talking, singing, and sometimes pulling off to the side of a quiet road where he would lean over and kiss you, though it never went any further. He knew that sneaking around with and kissing his student was bad enough, anything more, and in public, would be a whole different kind of stupid. 

Both of you started to lie a lot, to your managers, friends, anyone really who would question or even just ask about your relationship. To everyone else, he was still just your mentor, a strict student-teacher agreement and no more. The lying should’ve been your first clue as to how wrong it all was, but you were blinded by your feelings for him. Getting to be alone with him, kiss him, and talk to him about things no one else knew was too all consuming for you to even think twice about it.

How you talked to each other changed too. When you were alone with him he would call you baby, treating you less like a student, or even just a friend, and more as a lover. You should’ve been happy, thrilled, even, and you were when you were with him, but when he’d drop you off and you’d be alone in your dorm again, you’d break down.

The late nights together, the romance, the kisses, they were all wonderful in the moment, but afterwards you’d always part ways, realizing that it was all fleeting, that any relationship beyond what you already had with him was impossible, because no matter how you might feel about each other, you were still his student, and far too young to be involved with him in any deeper way. No number of kisses or secret rendezvous would make him yours, he made that clear. You would always end up alone in your dorm at the end of it all, crying, knowing it would never turn into anything more.

Seeing him during lessons was a different experience now. There would be other people around, and they didn’t think twice seeing you together, but you and Baekhyun would give each other knowing looks, or he’d wink at you, or something else to signify your little secret. You and him almost had a special secret language, joking with each other often with little more than a glance.

Even your manager didn’t know about you and him, she knew that he was mentoring you, but she’d known him for so long, she never even suspected that he might be acting inappropriately with you, he just didn’t seem like that kind of guy. 

The two of you had everyone fooled, and while it felt exciting on the surface, it also grew a new kind of shame within you, knowing that what you were doing was deeply wrong. 

What you had with him wasn’t real, and never should or could be, and it was starting to tear you apart. It took you weeks of working up the courage to do so, but finally, during a lesson, you decided you were going to confront him with all of it. 

“Can I ask you something?” 

Baekhyun shrugged. “Sure.” 

“But you have to promise you'll answer honestly!” 

“Okay! I promise.”

You took a deep breath. “What are we doing?” 

“What do you mean?” 

“You know exactly what I mean. The sneaking around, the kissing, what is that about?” 

He'd been perfectly relaxed, but you could see how he tensed up as he realized what you were talking about. 

“Y/n, I don't think it's a good idea for us to talk about that right now-” 

“You said you'd answer!” 

A long sigh left him, eyes squeezing shut for a second. “Okay, okay. I’m just doing what feels right. You know I like you, but you also know that we can’t just act like we’re together either.” 

“Why?” 

“You know why.” 

“Cause it’s inappropriate? We both know that this entire arrangement hasn't been appropriate since you decided to mentor me, knowing that I have a huge crush on you.” 

You wanted to finally hear it from him, wanted him to admit that he'd been just as irresponsible as you, and Baekhyun didn't say a word. It was the hard truth that he'd been trying for so long to avoid, and you threw it right in his face. 

“Ever since then it feels like you've been slowly leading me on, acting like we have something special but never letting it feel completely real, when you're the one who started all this in the first place, and let it get this far.” 

He stared at you, and he knew he couldn't keep it up anymore, couldn't keep ignoring it. He saw your hurt and frustration clear as day, and finally, he broke. 

“I'm a fucking idiot. I know I am, I'm an idiot and knew that getting so close with you was a terrible idea but I ignored all of that because I like you too much, I never intended for us to end up like this and feel like a huge asshole because I know I'm in a position where it's completely wrong of me to touch you at all because of how we met and the power dynamic but still every time I see you that's all I can think about.” 

“Do you really not understand how cruel you're being?” 

You scoffed at how genuinely confused he looked. 

“I've liked you so much for so long, you know I have, and you just waltz into my life and start talking to me and then teaching me and then offering to mentor me, when you know I can't help but fall for you. You even make it clear that you like me back, inviting me out with you and kissing me but never truly acknowledging what it means, it feels fucking awful. You keep stringing me along because you like me even though you know you can't give me what I really want. You're such a selfish asshole for that.” 

Your voice grew less and less stable and Baekhyun saw how the tears gathered in your eyes, threatening to spill over. 

He knew there was no use trying to argue with you, he'd gotten himself into this mess and he knew he was the one to blame. “What do you want me to do?” 

“I don’t know. But it can’t go on like this, it hurts too much.”

The small room fell silent and all you could do was stare at each other. You looked so defeated, the guilt nearly brought him to tears, and he did the only thing he could think to do. 

He held your face in his hands, bringing you close, letting his lips meet your own. 

Kissing him was just as electrifying as it always was, only this time, he didn't stop, didn't hold back. You got lost in the feeling, savoring the familiar taste and feel of finally getting what you craved again. This time though, it couldn't end the way it always did. Something had to change, so you pulled away.  

“You can’t just kiss me again and then keep on the same way. Please, I need more.” 

His face fell, because he knew he couldn’t give you that. “Y/n, I’m sorry, but you know why I can’t do that, why it has to be like this.” 

And he was right, of course you understood, but that didn’t make it hurt any less. It would be the end of his career if he was seen with you, and even his close friends would be raising eyebrows. He was so much older, your teacher, and your idol. What you wanted was completely impossible. “I care about you, a lot, you know I do. I also wish it wasn’t like this but we don’t have another choice.” 

“So what? You keep stringing me along, and I just have to live with it? Knowing that no matter how much we may want it, we’ll never be able to be together?” 

He sighed, and frowned at how sad you looked. “Can’t we just be grateful for what we do have?” 

You shook your head, “I want too much.” 

Despite everything you said, you and him both knew that you wouldn't be able to walk away, and neither would he. So when he took your face in his hands, whispered another “I'm sorry,” and kissed you again, you melted into him effortlessly. 

It was heated and messy, both letting out all your grief and frustration, clinging to each other almost desperately. He kissed you harder, deeper than he had before, until this time he was the one to pull away, though he didn't move far, looking at you with a look that while apologetic, was still hopeful.  

“I can't give you what you want, but if we're careful, I can take you home with me. For tonight, we can act like it’s real.” 

Before, taking you home with him had always been off the table. You were both too easily recognizable, and being seen in his building together would make it dead obvious that your relationship was more than it should be, so it didn’t even seem like an option. 

Wide eyed, you nodded, and not even a half hour into the lesson he was sneaking you carefully out of the practice room, and then the building, into his car. You texted your manager some bullshit excuse as to why you'd be gone for the night, and then you were on your way to his place, for the very first time.  

You could hear the rapid pounding of your own heart as he drove you through the night, unsure but excited. Even if it was only for one night, and he was risking far too much, you were going to hold onto whatever you could get. 

When he pulled into his building’s garage, he gave you a hat and a mask to put on, he pulled up his hood and put his own mask on, saying a short prayer before getting out of the car, and walking in with you. If anyone saw and recognized you both, he would be fucked, so he hurried, and luckily you made it to his apartment without running into anyone. 

Once inside you both let out a sigh of relief. You were alone with him, truly alone, no chance of passers by seeing you, or label mates catching onto your relationship, just you and him, all night. 

When you felt his hand on your own, pulling you closer, it robbed you of your breath. He took his mask off, and then yours, and leaned in, though his lips only barely met your own before he was looking at you once again. “I’ve wanted you so badly, and I know it’s wrong and I’m an idiot and an asshole for doing this, but I just can’t bring myself to stay away from you.” 

“So don’t. I’ve never wanted anyone the way I want you. I’m all yours.” 

You looked up at him, eyes sparking with all the hope and clueless naivety he should expect from you, a girl of barely twenty, who’d grown up loving him, and was powerless not to fall into his trap, whether he’d set it on purpose or not. He was a man ten years your senior, who positioned himself as an authority figure in your life, someone who should never touch you, kiss you, or anything even close. 

The guilt manifested as a lump in his throat, knowing that your feelings for him, your willingness to ignore how wrong it all was, were because of him. 

Still, he kissed you, with a kind of passion that was new to you both. Without any risk of getting caught, he let himself hold you tighter, let the kiss get more and more heated. He led you to the couch, where you ended up on his lap, his hands on your hips as his lips wandered to your neck, kissing, biting, enough to make you gasp and shiver, but not leave marks. 

For you it was otherworldly, lightheaded and dizzy with disbelief as his hands and lips stayed glued to your skin, finally living out the fantasies that played in your head when you laid alone at night, longing for him. You’d kissed boys in the past, but none of them came anywhere close to the way he made you feel. You were convinced nobody could ever make you feel the things Baekhyun could, and all he’d done was kiss you. He wasn’t some boy, he was a man, he knew what he was doing, and you wanted more. Every last little piece of him. 

The restraint was gone. He wanted you just as badly, and that was all he could focus on. When you pushed your hips further into him, he groaned at the friction, easily getting carried away. You felt, looked, sounded, tasted, even smelled divine to him. He’d been hard for a good while already, and this time when you rolled your hips and he felt you against him, he let out a satisfied groan. 

That only encouraged you further and you kept moving, lips moving heatedly against his, as you started to get yourself off against him, his hands on your ass guiding you. 

“I want more.” You breathed out when he pulled back for air. “Where’s your bedroom?” 

Baekhyun didn’t answer, rather he stood, your legs still wrapped around him as he carried you away, until gently laying you down on his mattress. 

With you he became a gentle, caring lover. Maybe it was your age, or the fact that he’d been your mentor, but the way he touched you was like you were something precious. Like if he wasn’t careful, you would break. Even as he positioned himself between your thighs, he was cautious, never moving too quickly, watching for any hesitation on your end. 

But there was none, your desire for him was all-consuming in a way that was hard to understand, even in the moment. Without him pressed against you, you felt like you might actually die. 

“I’m not made of glass, Baek. You don’t have to be so careful.” 

“I know, I just… I want to treat you the way you deserve to be treated. I want this to be special.” 

When his lips met yours for the nth time that day, you started to tug on his clothes, until his shirt was being pulled over his head and he got to work undressing you as well. One by one he took off your blouse, followed by the skirt you were wearing, next unhooking your bra, until all that was left on your body was a pair of lacy underwear. Still desperate for his affection, you kept your lips glued to his all you could, the added feel of his warm skin against your own stealing any rationality from your mind. All you could think of was him, you wanted him in a way you didn’t even know was possible. 

He froze above you when your hand reached down, trying to get the button of his jeans undone. 

Even the few seconds when his touch left you completely as he finished undressing himself felt torturous. A breath got stuck in your throat when you felt his hands at your hips, slowly pulling the last piece of clothing from your body before reclaiming his place between your thighs. 

As your eyes met his and he started to move closer, you realized that there was something he needed to know. 

“Wait- I should probably tell you, I’ve never done this before.”

You watched as the color drained from Baekhyun’s face, eyes wide. He hadn’t even considered that you might be a virgin, you were old enough to have some experience, but it shouldn’t have been that much of a surprise to him either. Those five words hit him like a punch in the gut. 

He rolled off of you, hands running through his hair, eyes squeezed shut. “God, this is so fucked up.” 

You sat up, taking one of his hands and he looked at you with uncertainty. “It’s not a big deal, but I’m sorry if that was a bit of a shock.” 

He gave you a sympathetic, but worried look. “It is a big deal though, at least to me. This would be irresponsible enough if it wasn’t your first time, I don’t know if I can do this. I don’t want to be responsible for how you’ll feel afterwards.” 

His words made your heart sink and a lump form in your throat. “What? No, please, Baekhyun, trust me, there isn’t anyone in the entire world that I would rather do this with than you, here and now. Please. I don’t think I’ve ever wanted anything this badly.” 

“You have to realize how tough of a spot you’re putting me in.” 

“I don’t care. I just want you, I’ve never been so sure of anything in my entire life. Please.” 

You moved closer to him, linking your hands behind the back of his neck, taking him with you as you fell back onto the mattress. He looked down at you, still unsure. 

“Please.” 

He shushed you with another kiss, but had his own conditions if he was really going to be your first. “You have to tell me immediately if you feel uncomfortable at all, or if it hurts, and you can stop me at any point if you don’t want it anymore.” 

You could see in his eyes the concern and uncertainty he was feeling, but you had gotten this far, and you knew what you wanted, and you wanted it bad. You nodded, and he was between your legs once again, the anticipation rising. 

Baekhyun didn’t miss the way you gasped at the first touch of his length against your inner thigh. He wanted to make sure you were ready, that it didn’t hurt too badly, so he started with one finger inside you, slowly working it in and out, before adding a second. The wetness and your whimpers told him you were more than ready, easily taking his digits, and finally, he moved to replace them with his length.  

You felt him position himself at your entrance, and you were certain you’d never felt that kind anticipation before, leaving you a shaking, panting mess underneath him. 

You felt his hand softly against your cheek, and your eyes opened to meet his. “Y/n, baby. You’re sure you want this?” 

You nodded without even a second of hesitation. “Yes, god, please.” 

The softness of his kiss was a stark contrast to the intrusion of him pushing inside, the pain making your eyes squeeze shut and a whine pass your lips. 

He stopped moving when he saw your reaction, giving you time to adjust to the new sensation. “Am I hurting you?” 

It did hurt, but your desire overpowered any sign of discomfort. “Please don’t stop.” 

With his forehead pressed to yours he kept going, until his hips were flush with yours. He felt your discomfort in how tense you were, staying still to let the pain subside. 

“Baekhyun, please.” 

You might’ve not minded the pain, too concerned with the intense need for more, but he wasn’t going to move until he knew you were okay. 

“I know it hurts baby, you have to relax, can you do that for me?” 

You whined in response but realized that he was right, you were extremely un-relaxed, and as you made a conscious effort to let go of all the tension in your body, the pain faded away. 

He felt it, and saw how you melted into the mattress, and took it as his cue to start moving. 

The first thrust had your back arching, moaning his name and he just kept going, setting a slow rhythm. You clung to him, moaning unabashedly, losing yourself to the new and incredible feeling of him inside you. Nothing could’ve prepared you for it, this was so much better than anything you’d been able to come up with in your own fantasies. Just the weight and warmth of him on top of you overwhelmed you, combined with the feeling of him pushing in, pulling out almost completely each time, before sinking back into you, it was like your own personal heaven. He was your own personal heaven. 

It only got better as he kept moving, that familiar warm feeling building in the pit of your stomach. You’d had orgasms before, but what you could do with your own hands didn’t even compare to what he was doing to you. It was a wholly different, and far more intense sensation. 

His lips collided with yours in a messy, lustful haze, praises passing his lips in between breaths.  “You feel so good baby, so perfect, so beautiful.”

Those words heightened everything even more, his low voice sending chills running down your spine. 

“Baek, please.” 

You didn’t even know what you were begging for anymore, you were just imploring him for more, everything and anything he could give you, you wanted it. The feeling of him rolling his hips into you again and again clearing your mind, your pleasure and desire all consuming. 

However he could see it in your eyes, how you needed more, and picked up the pace. The way he pushed himself into you, now faster, and with more force, had the tightness in your belly growing more intense by the second. 

The build up was more intense than you ever knew possible, losing control as he continued his ministrations, until all at once, you fell. 

The orgasm raged through you, leaving every nerve ablaze, as you shook and gasped at the overwhelming wave of pleasure. 

Above you, Baekhyun was losing control too, still pushing inside deeply, teetering on the edge, but your fucked out expression combined with the way you clenched around him had him reaching his high soon after you, shuddering with a moan as he let go. 

For a minute you both stayed just like that, panting, gasping, letting the climax slowly fade, until there was nothing left but a tangled web of sweaty limbs. 

When he pulled out and rolled off of you, the loss of his warmth made you whine. You barely even noticed when he got up, soon returning with a wet towel, and cleaning you up. 

He settled in next to you, and you smiled when his arm wrapped around you, pulling you into him. 

Luckily the exhaustion did well to lull you to sleep, any painful thoughts being pushed to the morning, but you wouldn’t be able to escape them forever. 

He woke you up with a kiss on the cheek, and at first it all felt so nice, so tender and intimate, in bed together with him as the sun began to poke through the curtains. Slowly he got up, and you followed, feeling the dull ache between your thighs as you stood. 

Seeing the way you grimaced at the soreness, he was quickly at your side. “Shit, sorry.” He muttered. 

You just let out a small laugh. “It’s okay, it was worth it, at least. Definitely worth it.” 

He smiled, pulling his clothes on as you gathered your own, before doing the same. “Let’s get you home, before it gets busy and people could see us leaving here together."

There it was, the rude call back to reality. That your night with him was over, that now you would have to hide again, to sneak around, and constantly be reminded that he wasn’t really yours, and never would be. 

Stupid, foolish girl. 

You managed to make it back home without being spotted, and even his kiss goodbye couldn’t keep the sadness from taking you over. He noticed it too, how you seemed to shut down after making it to his car. 

Back in your room, you let it all out, letting the tears seep into your pillow. Once again, he’d turned you into a complete mess, the pain and frustration leaving you broken.

Nobody could ever again give you what he could, could make you feel what he could. It was him, the man you’d looked up to and admired for so many years, and now after having slept with him, it was clearer than ever. 

That was the nature of your relationship with him. You were powerless to him, and no matter how much it would ruin you, you'd let him do it, over and over again.

For him, you would ruin yourself, a million little times.

[unbidden-yidden-deactivated20240]

To follow up on my Hosanna poll, I think before things go any further, it'd be good to actually explain and define it. I was initially going to wait until the end of the poll, but it seems that google is giving people a lot of bad and/or conflicting answers and I'd rather people walk away with the correct information.

So! Hosanna is an anglicized version of the Hebrew words "hosha na" [הושע נא or as a contraction הושענא]. Hosha na is a little enigmatic and hard to translate, but the simplest translation is probably "save us, please." It's traditionally used as an exclamation to G-d to rescue us, but it also has shades of being a triumphant shout (the implication being confidence that G-d will save us.)

Jews say "hoshanot" (the plural of hosha na) as part of our traditional Sukkot liturgy, and is something we do still today.

For us, the multi-faceted meaning of the root word allows us to have multiple layers of meaning. During Sukkot, we start praying for rain in its proper season and amounts, and we shake the lulav and etrog as part of these processions and liturgy. On Hoshana Rabba [the "great hoshana"], the last day of Sukkot, we process around the bimah (front lectern) seven times as a completion of our season of repentance and our starting of the new year with abundant blessings.

My siddur (prayer book) Lev Shalem has this as an explanation and translation:

[Image ID is of the Lev Shalem siddur, pages 382 & 383 - I tried hard to find a pdf of this that would be readable using a screen reader, but the versions I'm finding cut off at pg. 376 at the latest. If anyone has bandwidth to type this up, I would greatly appreciate it]

For the curious, here is a recording of the Hoshanot liturgy and procession:

Christians mostly know the word from the gospels and hymns.

Here is what Wikipedia says about its use in Christianity:

Historical meaning

Since those welcoming Jesus were Jewish, as of course Jesus himself was, some would interpret the cry of "Hosanna" on the entry of Jesus in its proper meaning, as a cry by the people for salvation and rescue.

Christian reinterpretation

"Hosanna" many interpret as a shout of praise or adoration made in recognition of the messiahship of Jesus on his entry into Jerusalem

It is applied in numerous verses of the New Testament, including "Hosanna! blessed is the one who comes in the name of the Lᴏʀᴅ!" (Matthew 21:9,15; Mark 11:9–10; John 12:13), which forms part of the Sanctus prayer; "hosanna in the highest" (Mark 11.10); and "hosanna to the Son of David" (Matt 21:9). These quotations, however, are of words in the Jewish Psalm 118. Although not used in the book of Luke, the testimony of Jesus' entry into Jerusalem is recorded in Luke 19.

In church music

The "Hosanna Anthem", based on the phrase Hosanna, is a traditional Moravian Church anthem written by Bishop Christian Gregor of Herrnhut sung on Palm Sunday and the first Sunday of Advent. It is antiphonal, i.e. a call-and-response song; traditionally, it is sung between the children and adult congregation, though it is not unheard of for it to be done in other ways, such as between choir and congregation, or played between trombone choirs.

The bottom line:

Jews and Christians have different connections, associations, and meanings attached to this word as expressions of our different theologies and texts. The word is derived from a Hebrew word and was created by Jews and is still used by us today. (Like literally today - we are currently in the middle of the Sukkot festival.) Christians changed the meaning to fit within their own context, and pronunciation of the word evolved with linguistic drift over time. In the same way that there's not a reason to pitch a fit over saying Jesus rather than Yeshua, there's no compelling reason to change hosanna back to hosha na; if anything, the distinction helps make it clear that it's effectively a different word and concept from ours.

On the other hand, I do think Christians ought to know the original meaning of the word if they're going to use it. To only ever know their version when it was derived from ours is yet another small way of playing into supercessionism by erasing and replacing the Jewish context of things that were originated in Judaism that Christians have embedded in Christianity. While the Christians of today cannot unwind the supercessionism of Christian history, they *can* choose to understand their present Christianity in ways that do not play into supercessionism and that respect the Jewish community of today.

I hope this was helpful and gives folks a new perspective on an obscure Hebrew word!

[keybladeciel]

Now for my two cents on the drama that ensued among the Linkin Park Community.

Content Warning: Discussions of sexual assault, Scientology, and suicide

Disclaimer: I do not condone nor encourage the harassment of the individuals or anyone with their own opinion. Additionally, this statement is intended to be read with an open mind and I may be wrong at such details. Any corrections with hard evidence is appreciated. Updates to the situation will be made via reblogs.

Like many LP fans, I was happy that there was a new Linkin Park album in the works and was amazed by Emily Armstrong's vocals in the latest track. However, this news came with some awful drama.

Let's discuss the basics. From Zero will be the first Linkin Park album with newly recorded material in seven years following No More Light, the last album to be recorded prior to Chester Bennington's suicide. To receive news about a truly new album and a new vocalist is enough to excite the LP fandom.

The new vocalist for Linkin Park is Emily Armstrong from Dead Sara. When The Emptiness Machine dropped as the newest single, the controversies of Armstrong's past reared its ugly head and caused a divide in the fandom. Namely, Armstrong was outed as a Scientologist and a supporter of Danny Masterson. Cue many fans being upset, especially detractors of the new direction of Linkin Park going forward.

Armstrong hasn't discussed her views since 2013 and she has recently posted a statement on her involvement with Danny Masterson during the court hearings he was going through. She has stated that she has no longer supported Masterson following him being found guilty of rape and made an Instagram Story of her clearing the air. The hearing she attended to was in 2020. The statement below can be interpreted has her apology for this.

As for her past as a Scientologist, she's a Second Generation Scientologist (meaning she had no say in her being part of the Church of Scientology whatsoever, let alone a religion of people who hate anything negative statements about them) and was called out by one of Masterson's victims. Again, Armstrong hasn't said anything about it since 2013. Scientologists can leave their faith, but it is difficult to do so and there are several restrictions placed by the Church. (Again, they HATE criticism and negative publicity of any kind)

Scientologists tend to ignore the topic of mental health. Many fans were pissed at such a damning revelation and believed that Chester would be upset over this.

Despite this, LP gave their support and Chester's wife, Talinda showed her support in Armstrong being the new vocalist.

As for the Masterson case, many of Masterson's former friends would logically want to see him as a good person, but have cut ties with him following his conviction (Armstrong herself stated that herself. I believe that she flubbed a spot check when her Insta reveals she stills follow Masterson, but dealing with the fallout of a friend being a monster comes with its own baggage). While some have said Armstrong was involved with a confrontation with a victim, there isn't any evidence to prove this.

The instance of Scientology requires a more realistic thought. The Church of Scientology has no problems making the lives of vocal ex-members a living hell with legal battles and frequent harassment. While we can assume Emily Armstrong herself is an ex-member, she can't be vocal about it without a massive shitstorm ensuing, especially if she's part of a band that has several songs dealing with mental health, something that Scientologists actively ignore. Many ex-members have resorted to sneaking out of the Church or even Scientology as a whole in the trunk of a car. Even if Armstrong seems to be in a place to discuss her departure, she still won't be able to without the ire of her former faith. If you analyze the lyrics of The Emptiness Machine, they deal with leaving a toxic enviroment or a cult-like place. In Armstrong's case, it can be interpreted has her stating that she has left the Church without attracting a potential shitstorm, with the lyrics feeling appropriate for leaving such a place.

All in all, this is not how the new era of LP was supposed to go down, but the use of context and media literacy is how we can understand this situation going forward.

[blackmoonlightexpress]

Luo Yunxi Appreciation Master Post: How can someone be so multi-talented?!

In case you did not already know, here are LYX's many talents. It's insane how many different things he can do at a near-professional level beyond acting!

1. Dance/Ballet

LYX graduated from the Shanghai Theatre Academy majoring in ballet with over 11 years of professional experience.

This is him doing 13+ pirouettes in a performance of Tchaikovsky Rhapsody (full video, he's on the right)

Interpret dance solo (燃烧的火苗) where he won the first gold ever for STA (video, news)

Swan Lake solo at the Taoli Cup Dance Competition in high school (video)

Modern dancing solo (黑白影画) at his graduation performance (video, he's the only guy in white)

He also taught at the Macao Conservatory for a year and danced in front of national leaders in Flying to the Moon (奔月) at the Macao 10th Handover Anniversary (video)

He's super flexible and has a strong core (despite being naturally thin)

In response to request from fans, he performed the Black Moonlight dance in a now viral video on Douyin.

2. Wuxia / Posture

LYX is known as one of the best actors working today for wire work - you can see him here doing 3 consecutive jumps 2-3 stories above ground (compilation videos 1, 2)

He does a lot of his own stunts and is often better (i.e. more graceful) than his stunt double, even though it's really risky and he's sustained some serious injuries from being dropped accidentally (And the Winner is Love: B roll video, actual scene, other BTS, other fight scenes)

He moves with elegance, not just in action sequences (Ashes of Love fight compilation 1, 2), but people have made video compilations of how he walks, kneels, works his sleeves and train

Of course, it's thanks to his dance foundation, but he also puts a lot of hard work into stunt training. Not something a lot of actors do because it eats up time to make more TV or go on variety shows (Ashes of Love stunt training, BTS)

3. Diving

He played a diver once in Flip in Summer (夏日心跳) and actually learned to dive... I mean he's no Tom Daley but this looks pretty good for an amateur... (full video)

4. Voice Acting

He’s always dubbed himself since circa 2018 (with the exception of And the Winner is Love due to Covid logistics issues), which is not the norm in Chinese drama (Ashes of Love dubbing BTS). In fact, he is sometimes the only person in the cast to use his original voice (e.g. in Princess Silver)

He also lends his voice to animations - he was the voice of Viktor in Arcane (BTS video), which received positive feedback (most people didn't realize he was not a professional voice actor)

He appears as a judge and live dubbing performer in Voice Monster alongside the top voice actors in China, Bian Jiang (aka voice of Yehua in Eternal Love, Nan Wangj in the Untamed) and Zhang Jie (aka voice of Donghua in Eternal Love, Sifeng in Love & Redemption). He has so much respect to those working behind the scenes, and it really shows (full video)

5. Singing

Some of you may know that he started out in a boy band called JL with Fu Longfei - these videos didn't age well, but here you go: JL (MV), 我们 (MV)

He has released a number of solo singles, including 缘起 (MV), 星星之火 (live), 不是我 (MV), 等风停 (MV). and 勇 (soundtrack), which he composed and wrote the lyrics himself (these are all mando-pop ballads if that's your jam)

He performed Big Fish 大鱼 at Tmall's 11/11 Festival (live video) - while his rendition is not as powerful as the original, he can hit really high notes with an impressive falsetto - I think it goes up to G5 (one octave above middle C)

He performed Pipa Xing (琵琶行) at the Douyin Festival (live video) - the notable part is his Peking Opera style singing at the end

He occasionally releases covers of songs on Chinese karaoke app Changba or Douyin: 要不然我们就这样一万�� (youtube), 黑月光 (youtube), 不染 (youtube), 山水又一程 (youtube)

He can also sing in other languages, including 喜欢你 in Cantonese (recording) - it's actually a very good cover and his Cantonese pronunciation is >95% accurate - there are parts where you can't tell he's not a native speaker.

6. Musical Instruments

He's an accomplished classically-trained pianist, which you can see in...

JL MV (video, starting around 3:30 mark) - don't mind the makeup, it's from ages ago

Mr Mossie season 2 (video)

Love is Sweet (BTS video) - impromptu jazz, he was deciding which song to play

Fan thank you recording (video)

He also plays the guitar, though probably at an amateur level

7. Music Gaming

During college he was obsessed with this music game called O2Jam (劲乐团) to the point where he created new tracks (i.e. arrange/compose the music) for the company under the username Dinoroy (explained by himself here, videos of him playing).

He became well-known within the fan community as the legendary D神 (D God). There are a lot of funny comments from old players saying that they thought D God is a bitter middle-aged recluse trying to screw them over with difficult tracks (read comments here).

D God was so prolific and reliable that gaming company accepted his submissions without review. Here are some of his best tracks - game arrangement only (Lydia, Croatian Rhapsody, Digital Emotions), music & game arrangement (黑暗魅影), original composition (光之乐章)

8. League of Legends

He's an LOL super fan, commentator, and player since season 2, went to see worlds in person twice, and was a cast member in a gaming show called Beyond It! Hero (episodes here)

He played the 2018 All-Star Event in Las Vegas teaming with reigning world champion Rookie and delivered the final blow that beat the other team 2:1 (video)

He got a quadra kill at a celebrity mobile game even though his team was crap (video clip)

He co-invested 1M RMB in a team led by Misaya 若风 - you can see them playing together in a live broadcast of the mobile game (video)

Update: Our longtime fan boy has become spokesperson of League of Legends and official commentator at the Asian Games 2023 in Hangzhou! The love is reciprocated!

9. Calligraphy/Drawing/Culture

LYX is known for his Chinese handwriting (he practices regularly) - there's even a font based on his handwriting called 汉仪罗云熙体 (download here)

He does all his own handwriting for marketing materials (e.g. Immortality below) and doesn't need a hand double for scenes where his character is practicing ancient Chinese calligraphy

He's also got amazing drawing skills - check out the Queen of the Night 昙花 he drew as Runyu while waiting around on set in between takes (video)

While he doesn't go on a lot of variety shows, he's often a guest on cultural programs, like the beauty of Chinese Calligraphy 书法之美 (video), Chinese Fans in 指尖上的非遗 (video)

His self-produced Mr. Mossie covers a lot of cultural topics (seasons 1, 2, 3), the segment on Hanfu was featured in the UNESCO Chinese Language Video Festival (video)

10. Photography

Luo Yunxi is often seen taking photos on set with his top-of-the-line Leica camera. Here are some of the photos he has shared:

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

The thing about Gaylors is that it isn't like a bunch of people connected with a song about longing and secrecy or something, and thought "this relates to my experience as a queer person, I wonder if she's felt something similar. Maybe she's bi or something." (She isn't, she has made it very clear, but I could see listening to a song as a young, queer teenager and wondering.) Or even listening to a song like Betty and interpreting it as queer, which my 62 het mother did. No, for Gaylor, Taylor Swift is a lesbian, she's never been romantically or sexually attracted to a man. She's been married to Karlie Kloss since 2016. The kids Karlie Kloss supposedly has with Josh Kushner are fake (then they insert an antisemitic comment about Josh Kushner). All the men Taylor has 'dated' are fake beards who she hates (no word on why she pretended to date a man she hated for 6 years when she could have presumably picked a guy she like. And shout out to Calvin Harris for being so mad when they broke up he broke his car and went on a tirad on twitter but didn't out her. Queer Ally there.) And if you count the buttons on her coat you'd know that she is trying to tell us that. It isn't unlike how instead of looking at her new relationship and going "They are cute, I hope they are having a good time," people are going "they are soulmates, he's her 13th boyfriend [i've heard of] and so its fate. They are going to get married and have children within the next year. If they break up, I'll die." Or people watching a music video saying "there are 5 blue squares, that means 1989 TV is coming next, because its blue and the fifth album" when it also just...had 1989 TV as text on a sign at the end of the video. I know people are weird about celebrities. I am occasionally weird about celebrities. I have watched interviews where famous people seem funny and charming and though "I really hope they are actually as nice as they seem on TV." But that line between the mild parasocial relationships many celebrities invite because of their brand and the "this persons mine" mentality is not ok.

okay I've been sitting on this one for a long time because I thought sharing it seemed like kind of mean but. as long as we're delving the depths of gaylor conspiracy hell I want you all to see this 158 slide presentation "proving" Taylor was planning to come out when Lover was released, discovered by my dear friend @dykeschemicalromance via tiktok. it is, and I do not say this lightly, one of the most unsettling depictions of conspiracy thought in action I've ever seen

[9w1ft]

I'm a gaylor myself so this isn't coming from a place of hate but I really don't think karlie and taylor are still together, I think taylor still references her in her art and probably will for quite some time because that relationship -- whatever the nature of it was -- left such a deep impact on her. but I really can't see them still being together, I think she's forced herself to move on from karlie and has since dated a lot of other women. that doesn't mean her feelings for karlie have faded, just that they will probably always be there but they broke up for sure before 2019, I think. folklore and evermore, midnights even, are all breakup albums, I just can't see how they could still be together. especially all her anger and sadness in those songs that are thought of to be for karlie (like my tears ricochet or exile or mad woman) also the cover art being shoot in bedfords, new york, the exact same place where karlie got married feels more like taylor revisiting this place to really say goodbye and mourn her for one last final time so she can move on

sorry, this got a bit long, I just don't understand the appeal or the reasoning for lsk's because taylor has indicated so many times that they are over, she's been mourning her relationship with karlie quite publicly since 2019 (wearing all black during the lover era) so yeah

hi! i don’t usually respond to these but i’m not sensing any ill will so i’ve decided to give a reply a go.

first off, for me, i kinda just interpret her wearing black in the back end of lover era because her masters had gotten bought by scooter. and maybe the fact that she decided to not come out. there can be other reasons, but i really do not think that her breaking up with karlie has to be one of them.

another thing i can’t shake is the fact that it was a very notorious troll/manipulative person on tumblr who spread the first rumor that they broke up in 2019, a fact that is well understood by a lot of OG’s, and this troll got in the head of a few popular kaylor and gaylor swift accounts at the time and in doing so she got a lot of people to fold. she then went on to write all this progressively unhinged fanfiction about taylor and karlie trying to make one another jealous and sleeping with all these women, presented with the same level of seriousness with which she pushed the breakup agenda. even to this day, i see present day gaylors talk about stuff that stems from narratives this account and a few other power hungry accounts spread around many years ago and it honestly just goes to show how a lot of well known gaylors may be platformmed up but that don’t really know what they’re talking about.. i only write this because the troll deactivated about a year ago (maybe they’re lurking on platforms with more malleable minds—once a troll always a troll—but at least they’ve left here), they were a really dangerous person.. and several have wild receipts to prove it.

anyways sorry i recognize that’s a tangent, i guess what i mean to say by it is, a lot of the sentiment surrounding the idea of a 2019 breakup and the reinforcement of the narrative by a gaylor community none the wiser stems from the work of someone with disingenuous intentions. a lot of “masterposts” or “realistic timelines” draw from what this person made up and it’s gone through enough filters for it to seem like credible sentiment but like, if you were there and you read all of what she wrote you know how silly it all sounded and how incoherently it was all written.

okay so to circle back to more of a content-centric angle, in my interpretation of the events that gave us folklore, evermore, and midnights, taylor had so much to be sad about. her mom had been very sick, the pandemic arrived and she had to cancel lover fest, she had to come to terms with scott b having sold her work to her sworn enemy… songs on midnights and folklore, and on her lover era apple music playlist allude to certain other things that may have had her in a mournful mood. things were bad! and i don’t doubt that her and karlie have been through a lot. but for me, when you’ve got a ride or die love, you don’t just break up. this has been something frustrating for me and others, i think, to see so many people treat a relationship as either being all systems go or broken up, as if long term partners can’t experience sadness together, difficulty together, even heartbreak together.

i don’t like getting in to touchy subjects so much but there’s just been too much pointing towards what i consider to be a rather simple narrative that is a natural progression for people committed and in love. how did the lover music video begin and end? whats a randomly specific word in a song she performed at the grammys minutes after someone was announced to the world? what about taylor’s envisioned future stands out about the anti hero music video? i think i’ll stop here but idk man 😆 poke around my archive if you feel like wasting a few days of your life… there’s just been a consistent flow of the same kind of hijinks that we’ve seen from them for years, and i’d say that there are many songs that back up everything i’d want in order to stay invested in seeing if what i believe is true.

now, i know i just wrote what reads like a bunch of mumbo jumbo to people not following kaylor. but im okay with that. i’ve accepted that. and i know that the whole patterns and koincidences and twinning and symbolism beat isn’t for everyone and so i respect people’s decisions to believe they aren’t together, but in closing i’ll just say im sometimes at a loss to see time and time again people suggest that kaylors believe in kaylor because they find it appealing or because they want to ship it. when it’s literally not that— it just makes the most sense to a lot of us!

also, does this look like the face of someone mourning?

[morganeactually]

Pet Shop Boys' Impact on Queer Culture

Pet Shop Boys, the synth pop pioneer duo consisting of Neil Tennant and Chris Lowe, have long been acclaimed for their contributions to queer culture through their music. They are considered icons within the queer community since their songs often contain subtle and clear references to LGBTQ+ themes.

As a big fan of Pet Shop Boys (indeed, my pseudonym is an allusion to one of my favorite albums of them named Actually), I would like to introduce you to them by tackling this fundamental aspect of their musical identity.

Let's start with "It's a sin" and "The Sodom and Gomorrah Show", two songs that address queerness and criticize the role of religion in perpetuating homophobia.

"It's a sin" is a critique of Neil Tennant's Catholic education. It tells a real-life story based on his personal experience of queerness in a Catholic family. So, the question of authenticity is beyond doubt. The song uses religious imagery, denouncing how the church's teachings made him feel guilty and ashamed of his desires. The lyrics mirror his internal conflict between faith and sexuality : respecting his religious beliefs means betraying one's true self. They also suggest that anything pleasurable, including queerness, is labelled as sinful. The stuttering effect in the chorus in "It's a, it's a, it's a, it's a sin" amplifies through the repetitive, almost hesitant delivery, the inner struggles faced by the victims of religious condemnation for their identity. This stylistic choice reinforces the impression of a speaker being trapped in a loop of guilt and confession imposed by societal norms. In the music video directed by Derek Jarman, the characters engaging in rebellious acts against religious constraints such as tearing pages of the Bible and smashing religious statues illustrate Neil Tennant's response to stay true to himself, no matter what the church's teachings say.

"Father, forgive me I tried not to do it Turned over a new leaf Then tore right through it Whatever You taught me I didn't believe it Father, You fought me 'Cause I didn't care And I still don't understand"

The bridge highlights the pressure to resist actions deemed sinful by religious beliefs. It epitomizes, through the apostrophe to God and the metaphor of “a new leaf”, the cycle of sin and repentance Neil Tennant and many queer people are subjected to. By asking God for forgiveness, Pet Shop Boys deliver a poignant commentary on how religious teachings can induce shame and remorse, even when all they do is trying to accept the parts of their true identity.

"The Sodom and Gomorrah Show" takes a more satirical approach to critique how society often demonize and sensationalize queer lives turning them into spectacles. Indeed, the introduction describes a fictional show whose promise of "Sun, sex, sin, divine intervention", "Death and destruction" is repeated throughout the song. Presenting the story as a show insists on the absurdity of such moral condemnation. The theatrical atmosphere is used to mock how religious institutions portray queerness. The title itself refers to the biblical cities of Sodom and Gomorrah which are often mentioned in religious texts to condemn homosexuality. Hence, Pet Shop Boys defie traditional interpretations and utilize them to oppose homophobic attitudes. The lyrics underscore the importance of embracing one's true self, even if it goes against religious and societal norms, to live a fulfilling life. The message they convey is to embrace and celebrate queer identity.

Both songs challenge the negative perceptions and moral judgments on queer individuals and encourage defiance against oppressive religious narrative.

Moreover, Pet Shop Boys incorporate disco elements into their music like high-energy disco sounds, lush orchestration, celebratory lyrics, pulsing beat, and danceable, upbeat feel. Their songs "New York City Boy", "Domino Dancing" and "Always on My Mind/In My House" are perfect examples of that. The synth pop duo pays homage to disco which was historically associated with the LGBTQ+ community and alligns with its values : freedom, self-expression and rebellion against societal norms. Their use of disco music highlights their identity as artists who proudly advocate LGBTQ+ rights while making timeless pop music.

Pet Shop Boys' collaborations with queer artists show their commitment to support and celebrate them. Neil Tennant and Chris Lowe teamed up with Dusty Springfield for the hit "What Have I Done to Deserve This?", produced Boy George's song "Crying Game" and have songs featuring Elton John ("Alone Again, Naturally", "Believe / Song for Guy" and "In Private"). In 1996, they also remixed David Bowie's track "Hallo Spaceboy" adding their own disco flair and additional lyrics. The result pleased Bowie a lot, so that he invited them to perform live with him at the BRIT Awards. In their lattest album Nonetheless, "Dancing Star" is even inspired by the queer ballet legend Rudolf Nureyev.

[should-know-better]

I think that Silverscreen is about that horrible interview

I've looked at the lyrics to Silverscreen over and over again, and just couldn't relate to them being about Alex or Hannah. Something just didn't feel right. For a start, when the song was written, Miles and Hannah hadn't broken up - in fact, they were together for another four months - so although the song appears to be about acting, I felt it couldn't be about her.

Then, there was consideration, that it could have been about Alex and the façade of his straight behaviour but the line 'patent boots, lipstick rouge' didn't fit (interestingly years later, Alex did have some patent boots for The Car tour).

I think that this is Miles' angry song about the RB interview in Spin Magazine (I refuse to even use her name).

Two-faced Johnny, hotel lobby A two-faced person is someone who is not sincere and says complimentary things to your face, but horrible things behind your back. 'Johnny' or 'Little Johnny' is a character often used in funny jokes or anecdotes, so Miles is creating a juxtaposition here. The interview did take place in the lobby of the Bowery Hotel in New York. In many of Miles' songs, he sets the scene in the first line.

I won't go up without you This is similar to what she reported he'd said. Growing up, Miles and Alex would have seen many British tv shows which had many double entendres in them (the Carry On films, Open All Hours, Are You Being Served to name but a few), and much of this humour is seen throughout their interviews. It's of a specific time and it's difficult for some non-UK people to fully appreciate. This is why she took the quip the wrong way. When interviewers say that Miles and Alex are talking in their own language, I feel that they don't realise that they are quoting different comedy lines to each other, to make each other laugh.

Patent boots, lipstick rouge, For the first time today, I looked up online pictures of RB and discovered that she does indeed wear bright red lipstick. There's black boots, but too difficult to say if they are patent.

hang on the edge of champagne flutes She works by writing about people who are rich and successful, literally, a hanger-on to the music industry.

Misdemeanour, gossip cleaner, She's made out that he has done something wrong, and she's created gossip. 'Cleaning up' is a phrase that means making money.

overacting table reader. Ego driver, loose-lip liar A table read is a run through of the script, done by actors just speaking the lines, i.e. there's no action. Nothing happened. She's making it out to be more than it actually was, (building up her ego) by suggesting that a rock star would try to seduce her. She's a liar.

driving my head in A colloquialism - 'doing my head in' is a phrase used in the North of the UK, meaning, it's making me so angry, I can't stop thinking about it.

I can't see silverscreens, He's saying to her, it's no good acting, this is not a film

you won't leave it alone, I don't care what you mean, I don't buy your next scene She repeatedly interpreted aspects from the interview the wrong way and he can't believe what she's written about him. Also, the repeat of 'you won't leave it alone' could refer to that it was reported that she didn't accept his apology.

Surface tension, I won't mention, liar, liar, liar ha This either refers to the tension in the interview itself, or the tension that the interview has created afterwards for Miles. She lied about it and made his comments out to be more than they were.

Dirty finger, constant linger, driving my head in A dirty finger means 'fuck you' as in when you show the middle finger to someone. Miles is still angry about this interview, months later, when he's writing the song. The interview was in March, he wrote the song in September. Perhaps the repeated phrase of 'you won't leave it alone,' also is him talking to himself. He can't get over it and he thinks about it a lot.

We know that Miles says that he is truthful in his lyrics, but in the John Kennedy interview, he says: "yes, it's a real angry one, it's like, I wanna keep a bit of the mystery there..." knowing full well that bringing this up again would do him more harm than good.

As usual, these are just my thoughts and interpretations on the lyrics and I don't mean to open up a can of worms about the RB interview again. Any comments are welcome 😊

[ravensofskyhold]

Ruoska 2nd verse analysis

Aka why there's a reference to a 20+ year-old sports scandal in this song that on the surface is about BDSM.

(Fuck you Kä for making me write a 1500+ word analysis on a reference in one verse of a song and also for forcing me to learn more about Lahti 2001 than I've ever wanted. /j)

Okay, I was already having thoughts about the second verse of Ruoska, which has lots of references to the doping controversy of FIS Nordic World Ski Championships held in Lahti in 2001 aka the biggest sports doping scandal in Finland. The MV gave new context for that part and made the use of the whole reference make a lot more sense to me, enough to develop those thoughts into a semi-coherent analysis (I'm not kidding about this being semi-coherent, I've spent most of the day writing this. You've been warned.).

This analysis does require me to talk about The Lahti 2001 doping scandal a lot. I’ve decided to focus on what I remember from the aftermath of it, especially the Finnish public opinion and reaction, as it is the most relevant part of it for this analysis. So if you’re not familiar with the topic, I recommend reading a short summary of the facts which can be found here: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/FIS_Nordic_World_Ski_Championships_2001#Doping_controversy

In the MV, there’s this about 20s pause between the first chorus and the second verse, where the song just stops and people looking at their phones form a circle at the edges of the spotlight (where Käärijä and Erika are) and hate comments aimed at both of them are shown on screen.

After the pause, we get the second verse:

“Lunta on tullut tupaan niin paljon et tarvii sukset / Gotten so much snow in the house that I need skis

On luokkaa Kari-Pekka nää ahdistukset / At level with Kari-Pekka with these anxieties

Et taloyhtiössä on kosteudenmittaukset/ That the housing cooperative takes humidity measurements

Kun rappukäytävän portailla on hemon virtaukset/ When there's massive tides* on the stairs in the stairway”

[link/credits to the translation]

*added context to this line that gets lost in translation is that the substance flowing down the stairs in the stairway is called “hemo” in the original lyrics. Now, I’ve interpreted it to be either blood/hemoglobin or Hemohes (which is the brand(?) name of the banned blood plasma expander substance that people were caught using in the Lahti 2001 doping scandal. Either way, this detail is relevant enough for this analysis.

-----

The idiom "tulla lunta tupaan" (to get snow in the house/living room) means to get misfortune, but I think I've seen it also used to mean getting (excessive) adversity/criticism for something (wrong) you've done (from the public, usually).

There certainly is something fucked up and rather telling that from what I’ve seen, many of Finnish fans old enough to remember Lahti 2001 (me included) needed only to hear "skis" and "Kari-Pekka" to get the doping scandal reference. After all, this is a rather subtle (as in, only Kari-Pekka Kyrö’s, one of the head coaches of the ski team, first name is mentioned in the song!) reference to a scandal that happened over 20 years ago. But it also tells you how big of a deal that doping scandal was for Finns, especially since it happened in cross-country skiing aka one of our pride and joy sports, and how much (perceived) shame was involved on national level.

And oh boy, did that sense of national shame get projected back to the public opinion about the people involved in the scandal. The scandal did have massive and long-lasting repercussions on the careers and the reputations of the people involved in Finland, way beyond the official disqualifications and suspensions. These people went from being celebrated athletes and ski team members that everyone was proud of to being mostly, or even only, remembered for being caught using doping. Their past (and future) achievements suddenly didn’t either matter anymore or, thanks to the doping scandal, were regarded with suspicion.

There’s also a layer added to this by the media’s role and involvement in all this that I’m not going to get into here. Only thing from the media side I’m going to point out is that big part of kicking off this incident was the investigation and subsequent article by Helsingin Sanomat crime journalist that revealed damning evidence of the systematic use of doping substances in the Finnish ski team.

The point is, yes they did wrong, and yes they did deserve the (official) consequences to their careers and a hit in their public images, but everything else? The figurative lashing (pun intended) they got from the media and the public? The media and the public refusing to forget and move on from that incident years after the fact and in the process probably not letting them move on from it properly, either? Being remembered only for your mistakes? That was excessive, way out of proportion to what the crime in question was.

Bringing this back to the song, the MV, and the artists:

This reference, especially with the MV context just made me think of the topic of public opinion of celebs and how quickly it can turn against you, even if you’re currently seen as a “hero” of sorts, like Finland’s ski team was in 2001 or Käärijä is now.

It also made me think of how Finns often tend to be jealous of other people's success (the good ol’ belief that there’s a finite amount of luck/happiness in the world and so other people having luck/success is to blame if you don’t have it is still deeply ingrained in us even if we don’t realize it). Like, there are always people who hate someone more successful or famous than them simply because they are successful/famous.

Also, there's often a sense of schadenfreude involved from certain parts of the public when someone famous does something bad/wrong. Something that (in public perception) "justifies" the negative turn in the public opinion on that person, regardless of how bad/wrong the thing actually was and if the reaction is actually proportionate to it. And especially in famous people’s case, there are always people who are just waiting for them to misstep, to fall, just so they can go “see? I knew they were a bad person all along, that’s why I disliked them!”. Or hell, we’ve even seen people who are constantly waiting for the moment a famous person does something that can be twisted into a controversy, or even hounding them to do something or react to something in a way that paints them in a negative light.

Now, I don't think the hate comments seen in the MV are comparable to what happened after the doping scandal (nor that are they meant to be that), and I don’t claim to know what kinds of hate Käärijä and Erika get usually but I doubt that’s comparable either. But there are some noticeable, if much smaller scale, similarities to some controversies they’ve been a part of and the media/public reaction to those. Which does make the doping scandal an effective reference to use to get the point of (often excessive) negative reactions/comments to everything you do across.

So, when the hate comment pause happened in the MV and the second verse started, it felt like the missing puzzle pieces fitting into their places, and being able to see what the second verse is trying to say. Or my interpretation of it, anyway.

The first line is rather straightforward, mentioning getting enough "snow" (aka adversity/criticism/hate, not misfortune like I thought before) into their lives ("house" in the song) that they need equipment/tools ("skis") to help them wade through it, just to keep living their lives.

The line mentioning Kari-Pekka, and anxiety at the same level as his, is interesting. Because on the one hand, he did take the blame for the doping scandal and was, according to his own words, “the most hated man in Finland” at the time. On the other hand, he did get a lot of publicity and was offered a job as a crisis consultant to teach people how to lie believably, because he appeared so calm, collected, and confident in the media during the scandal. So, while on the surface this line is about having a lot of anxiety due to the hate they’re getting, well, the dude whose anxiety levels they’re likening their own to doesn’t seem (to appear) anxious at all despite shouldering most of the blame and hate for such a big scandal, does he? Hell, he got job opportunities thanks to how not-anxious he appeared in that situation.

And the following lines, I've interpreted to be about other people having to acknowledge the damage from those hate comments seeping into their own lives as well because, depending on what "hemo" is interpreted as, either the cause of that hate (hemohes) or a rather visible representation of the pain caused by the hate (blood) is flooding the stairway now. The pain or the cause of the hate others have let into their living spaces/lives is out in the public space now. And going by the next line “Ja mä tahdon jäädä siitä kiipeliin (kiipeliin)/ And I want to get in trouble for it (in trouble)” it’s happening they intentionally let it out into the public in the first place, because they want to get in trouble for it?

There’s something fascinating about that. About acknowledging that they’re getting hate anyway, so they might as well intentionally and publicly do things that people are going to send them hate for. But also acknowledging the hate they’re getting and making other people acknowledge it as well, refusing to keep it hidden and letting it rot only their own lives.

And then continuing that yeah, we’re getting whipped/hated on for everything we do, but

[licorice-tea]

Hi, could you write Roronoa zoro with prompt D? Thank you in advance 🌹

I Just Wanna Dance (With You)

Pairing: Roronoa Zoro x reader

Content: dancing, one or two mentions of drinking, zoro is down bad for reader, gender nuetral reader, reader wears jewelry, some platonic robin & zoro (sibling vibes), fluffy little drabble :0

Word Count: 0.5k

A/N: I made this short and sweet since I still have a lot of requests to get too, and i also tried to interpret the prompt in a new/different way so hopefully you like it anon! ty for requesting <3

The Strawhats are throwing a party- what’s new? Sanji is getting extravagant mouth watering dishes out onto plates at record speed while Brook cycles through crew favorites and new tunes.

Zoro doesn’t always know what to do with himself during events like these. Sure, the feeling of triumph after saving a town from whatever disaster has come there way is always enjoyable, but besides drinking…. not much else to do.

Besides watch you, of course. You’re always the life of the party through his eyes. That’s what it must mean to be the life of the party: to have people’s eyes so naturally drawn to you, even when you’re just jumping and twirling around screaming song lyrics like every other person on the dance floor. And Zoro’s eyes always land on you, at some point or another, so he’s always thought of you as the “life of the party” type.

As he’s lost in the sight and thoughts of you, Zoro feels a tap on his left shoulder. He looks to the left and sees no one. “Are you going to ask them to dance?” comes a voice from his right. He quickly turns to his right to see Robin, smirking at how he fell for her little prank.

Zoro shrugs, “Don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Hm. A word of advice, swordsman; watching and waiting won’t get you anywhere. Espescially not with y/n,” she smiles softly, “I love them, but they’re not going to pick up on all your… subtlety.”

“Hmph. Okay.”

Robin offers another smile and pats his shoulder reassuringly, at which Zoro glares and shrugs her off in the same way a brother would with his doting older sister. He downs the rest of his glass and gets up.

Zoro tries to find you, as he walks onto the dance floor, but he finds it was easier keeping an eye on you from a distance than it is between at least a hundred other people. He becomes lost in the crowd, consistently getting turned around and blinded by flashes of sparkly clothing as he searches for you. But he knows you’re somewhere near the center, so he resolves to keep pushing through. Finally, he sees you in all your joyful, rhythmic, glory. You’re just one star among the many tonight, but you somehow remain brighter than any other. The way you spin with your hands in the air makes it so any and all light reflects off your jewelry and eyes, and he is obsessed.

Despite getting pushed and shoved by the other party goers, Zoro stays rooted in place as he looks at you. Eventually he pulls himself out of his trance (once enough people have cursed at him for not moving), and takes a few steps forward until he’s standing right behind you. His hand catches your waist, and you gasp as you look over your shoulder to see who it is. When your eyes meet, you smile at him, and Zoro smiles back.

“Want to dance?”

[janmisali]

FAQ

Q: wow, you're on tumblr?

A: that's not a question, but yeah, this is the Official blog of youtuber jan Misali. I also have my main blog @hbmmaster where I reblog stuff and make more low-effort text posts.

Q: wait, you're on youtube?

A: yeah, I make videos. for new viewers I recommend checking out the best of jan Misali playlist. for people who already watch and enjoy my videos I recommend watching my inspiration playlist, which is a curated selection of videos I personally keep finding myself coming back to.

Q: can you put your name and pronouns in this FAQ?

A: you can call me Mitch, jan Misali, or Misali. "jan" works too, just make sure not to capitalize it. I use he/they pronouns, with no strong preference between the two sets.

Q: when is [video you've announced] coming?

A: by asking this, you have delayed it by another month. sorry!

Q: when is [series that hasn't had a new installment in a while] returning?

A: when I want to go back to working on it, and no sooner

Q: are you going to make a video about [thing you mentioned in a post]?

A: no. some things are just posts

Q: I want to make something based on something you made. is that okay?

A: I'm not a cop. I broadly approve of any stuff people make that's derivative of my own work, as long as I'm given the appropriate amount of credit for it and you tell me about it once it's posted somewhere so I can see it. the only exceptions to this are if you're like just fully reuploading something I made (not cool!) or if it's something I'd disapprove of even if it wasn't derivative of my work (do not write fanfiction with me in it, or like, south park character AI covers of song translations I've made).

Q: you're into languages, right? how many languages do you speak?

A: none

Q: what font do you use in your videos?

A: Noto Serif

Q: what software do you use to make videos?

A: Google Slides and Audacity

Q: can you reblog the scoobypost again?

A: only if you ask nicely.

questions about "the /hj tone indicator is worse than useless" (March 2023)

Q: I think what /hj (half-joking) is supposed to mean is...

A: the reason I find /hj confusing is not, in fact, that not enough people have told me their own personal definitions of what they think it means. I do not need or want to hear any more, thank you.

Q: I think I get what the /oj anon was saying, it's something like...

A: I am not exaggerating by saying that I spent years coming up with interpretations of what the /oj anon could have meant. there is a 0% chance that I haven't at some point considered the exact interpretation you're suggesting. if you want to share your interpretation with someone, find a different person who thinks they understand it and tell them instead of me.

questions about "how many Super Mario games are there NOW?" (May 2024)

Q: will you release the full survey data?

A: no. the full survey data includes the anonymous comments of 5500 random people on the internet who didn't sign up for that.

Q: will you release an edited simplified version of the survey results?

A: I already did! it was in the form of a video called "how many Super Mario games are there NOW?"

Q: will you release the full survey data, but without the open answer sections?

A: no. the raw numbers are not in a comprehensible format, and it would take about as much work as it took to make the video itself to get them into a comprehensible format. I'm not doing that myself, and I'm certainly not going to allow other people to do that on their own just so they can find out what I decided wouldn't be worth mentioning in the two-hour video. if you have a specific question about the results, ask that question instead.