#it lets me work on my characterization. it makes me go 'ok under WHAT circumstances would they be doing this. what's the story here'

[srapsodia]

Wouldn’t it be so funny if you could do an extension to that drawing of Skull taking the bullet of a fatal attack for Joker? 👁👄👁 Like have Skull just going unconscious from it and just Joker holds him for a second before he just goes absolutely apeshit and tears apart the shadow that did the attack to begin with. (Maybe show them at the end recovering and Akira just suddenly hugs Ryuji and cries a bit because he was very worried that he might’ve lost him) (maybe there would be some blood which would’ve most likely caused Ryuji to pass out idk)

augh anon i DO love this!! but sorry, i dont really take requests like this 😅 the only "request" type stuff i do is when i open prompts, and those are usually tied to a prompt list! i feel like that gives me more creative control over what i do :>

(and i do have prompts open at the moment btw if anyone wants to send in one! though there's a bunch in my ask box that i haven't gotten to yet ahah, sorry about that)

y'all are MORE than welcome to talk scenarios with me though! that's great fun and i'd love to chat more about persona 5!

[evidenceof]

Winnix Country, I'll take you there.

Winnix fic recs finally! I clawed through pages 1-61 on AO3 and then scoured through Dreamwidth because I just need this ship injected into my brain.

Just so we're all aligned, I'm very much into "Classic" Winnix. And while generally I do still read AUs, much of what I keep close are the ones that are entrenched in, before, and after the war. Still enjoy a bit of the supernatural though. So please forgive the lack of non-WWII AUs. :') Ok onward.

Note: All links in blue are restricted to logged-in AO3 users! So hopefully you have an account so you can read some gold.

5+1 tag

The Way I Wear Your Hat by Muccamukk - I will consume anything Mucca writes and live in it for at least two weeks.

Let Me Be Close by armyofbees - So tooth achingly sweet, tender in post-war. Nix combing Dick's hair? I'm so.

I'm Alright Now You're Here by @stopstopstopit - A.k.a. Dick and Nix going, "Was I truly that blind???" about each other and everyone in Easy Company saying, "Yeah." So good, so, so fun. Giggled like a maniac all throughout.

Pre-War

Before the World Begins by rilla (@flomps)- The first time I read this, I cried. Then again the second, third, fourth, etc. Lew and Dick meet in NY before Benning, before everything, and it's under very different circumstances. I love the characterization of Nix and Dick in this so much and the gentleness in the midst of all the smut. A TALENT!

Lancaster County by rachelelpillo - Technically not pre-war because this is an AU where it happens without them. It's bittersweet, but emphasis on the sweet. Teenage Dick and Nix and a whole summertime of falling in love.

Bicostal by dancinguniverse - I am a sucker for anything that starts at OCS. I love this and the telegrams and letters tucked within it.

Wartime

Bird Wedding by rachelelpillo - The way she writes anything really sounds like a summer day to me. This one is very understated and just wonderful if you want something that leaves you smiling. (Highly recommend you go through her work, last she posted was in 2010. :') )

And at Your Touch, I Burn by Muccamukk- CHRIST. A SICK!FIC. God I love this for so many reasons, one of them being just the incredible way Mucca describes the field exercise, the crawl and length of it. And Dick getting sick. Nix doing what he does. It's wonderful. It's perfect.

Vampire Overhead! by joissant - There's a little Vampire!Nix AU for you. In the midst of Bastogne and hunger, there is this and it's fucking fantastic.

love divine, all loves excelling by @flanneryoconnorfanfiction - The way my heart soared all throughout this fic. Religion, for many reasons is often the point of friction for Dick, and this one turns it over its head. It's reverent and (so) joyful and honestly, probably what God should feel like. There are not enough kudos-es in the world.

Post-War

Head Trip by @ezlebe - Two lines from this fic ring in my head daily, that's how much I loved every bit of it. And I mean who isn't a sucker for Operation Varsity-adjacent fics? Harry's in this so it's automatically just extra wonderful for me. I LOVE!! I absolutely love.

Like a Bird on the Wire by semperama - Them coming home without an established relationship is always a trope enjoy. Blanche Nixon is here being cheeky, and Dick is all smiley, Lewis is stressed the fuck out. It all makes for a wonderful get-together.

More than a Team by @mercurygray - I love reading about Ann Winters and I love seeing Nix and Dick navigate those familial relationships after the war. This is short and so, so sweet. Every bit as wonderful as the ice cream.

thyme and rosemary by @oatflatwhite - Yet another one where Ann Winters makes a wonderful cameo. Dick is trying not to be miserable and he keeps writing all these unsent letters to Lew. Featuring the cutest kitten ever.

Series

What Things We Have Heard Together by joissant (4 works) - Quite possibly required reading for Winnix enthusiasts. Feels like such a gift to be able to thread through so many points in their relationship and everyone else tangled in their orbit.

Winnix from the POV of other people Oh my god I love outsiders-looking in fics of the two of them.

Transcript by Corvid Cordelia - LISTEN. If you love Easy Company, you love Winnix, Webgott, Spierton, etc, they're all here. It's such a treat for people who fell in love with everyone's personalities in BoB.

Women in Conversation by shiveringpinkala - Ann Winters tries to surprise her brother and it doesn't go quite as planned. Blanche is in this too so it makes it extra delightful. Love this fic.

Entendre by @thrillingdetectivetales - Harry Welsh has no fucking clue what Buck Compton is implying about Winters and Nixon but he's gonna find out. Again, I love Harry Welsh with all of me.

A special mention to String Quartet No. 14 by @oatflatwhite for a HS AU that had me kicking my feet and smiling all the way to the very last word.

If you have similar favorites, PLEASE LET'S TALK ABOUT THEM. There's still a lot I'd like to re-read and revisit so this will highly likely be updated in the future. I'd love to hear your favorites too. <3

[canpandaspvp]

KEEP TALKING ABOUT THE SBI FIC THING IM REALLY INTERESTED!! I've always wanted to study that side of the fandom under a microscope but it's scary.

buddy that place is WILDDDD. ok so things you need to know abt sbi side

1. they're damn good writers

2. i don't think they know how to write fanfiction

3. in another universe they create some very well known, published authors

because essentially everything they write is so fucking detached the second it enters an au. with dnf and the general dt side of things, there are differences. sure often times it's a bit more identifiable as fanfiction but that's not a BAD thing. it literally just means people know how to write fanfiction which is what they were intending to do anyways so like hooray

with sbi, i've read SEVERAL (as in i can go into my bookmarks right now and count out at least 10) fics that have just changed and deviated so far from the original source material that it's hard to even understand what they're talking about. in that regard, 100% dnfers get caught out before sbiers, but that's only in the circumstance that they get published at all. sbiers are really creative -- TOO creative, obviously to the point of creation ocs with names and descriptions that often times only vaguely resemble phil, tommy, wilbur, and techno -- which gives them the upper hand publication wise.

that leads into dark sbi which, let it be known, i have NEVER EVER liked. i personally thought it was harsh and unenjoyable but also goddamn did they make some good stories. obviously i read them bc even though i hated the vampires and the kidnapping and shit, it was good. the upper hand of writing fanfiction is that shit is more fast paced and attention grabbing, due to the lack of exposition and shit. so sbiers likely get published first, get discovered on booktube (not booktok cause they only read romance that's packed with tropes to the point of dysfunction), and they at least semi-spread from there until someone is who can't handle any difficult topics in fiction gets upset. but that's a different kind of controversy entirely

sbiers are good authors but they're stuck in this weird limbo of "it's not fanfiction it's just inspired original content" which sort of creates a new genre entirely. they pull some good fanfiction elements into its own realm entirely and it's really frustrating when you want to read fanfiction of something but if you're looking for something fast paced and good to read that aligns with the weird fanon universe they've created, they're your subfandom.

a lot of fics also appeal to personal issues that people are able to project onto easily (i speak from experience) so, while dnf is typically shorter, more accurate, and lighthearted, sbi has dynamics that people often crave in their real life and more people that they can insert themselves into. um that sounds weird but ykwim

they also have The AU's which dnf has but it's just not to the extent that sbi has it. the trifecta:

1. superhero aus

2. royalty aus

3. foster care aus

ran that tag for a good 2 years minimum. those are the sort of Peter Parker Goes On A Field Trip To Stark Industries type of aus where you have a good baseline that people get attached to, so you can sort of rewrite the same story different enough that people feel like they're reading smth new each time. and it works!! if people were to publish an sbi fic (which would likely fall into one of those 3 categories), it'd be realllyyyyyy recognizable just bc it was such a staple in the community. ifl im missing some other big categories but those are just the aus that i remembered off the top of my head that showed up a fuckton

don't get me wrong, i ❤️ dnf fanfiction and you def could publish it if you tried hard enough, but those authors do shit right. the characterization is so niche and specific, the dynamics are so unique, and often times, there just isn't enough in one fic to build and create a story. so much of dnf fanfiction relies on the fact that you already know those two, you know who they are, how they behave, their stakes regarding each other, etc etc. with sbi, the authors end up essentially writing their own stories so much so that they have to tell the story like it's a novel rather than fanfiction. it's very interesting imo esp bc fanon tommy for example is so extremely, incomprehensibly different from c!tommy or cc!tommy, with only enough hits of similarity to keep you hooked into the story with the illusion that you're actually reading the same character, when more often then not, it's like 1/4 tommy, 1/4 fandom misinterpretation interpretation, 1/4 author projection, and 1/4 recycled oc. again, speaking from experience.

also, sbi authors are pretty cocky about their writing, and it's really noticeable when they write a fic with the intention of changing the names and couple minor details to submit to an editing company for a few rounds of revision before they publish their nyt bestseller a few years down the line. they didn't need to leave the fandom to abandon their shit. lorehead analysts have a decent grasp of their content (but i'm biased), but lorehead writers?? different monster entirely. the second dsmp stands for something like "delicious small mtown pforsuperherovillanvigilanteshenanigans" then you know they're too far gone. they're attached to THEIR characters, not the dsmp's; if it means sacrificing the original source material for real life recognition, they'd do it in a heartbeat. i don't blame them but the point still stands.

this is all over the place i'm so sorry idek if i said anything you wanted to know but

tl;dr sbi fanfiction sort of became its own medium between fanfiction and original work so they're more likely to get published, but they fall into the same dynamics in the same type of universes that would easily get them figured out. dnf writers just seem to mind their damn business more. anyway, most dnf writers that left the fandom seem to want to completely forget that they ever did That. usually they just orphan/delete and move on cause they're embarrassed.

sorry again i'm so not good at explaining my thoughts but i did NOT spend 2 1/2 years reading sbi fanfiction 24/7 for nothing. i need to put my experience to use somehow so thanks for letting me do that 😭😭😭

[woodland--fae]

If I were SJM writing ACOWAR I would have dramatically changed the outcome of Rhys’ resurrection.

Ok. Time for another ACOTAR rant because I just can’t help myself.

One of my biggest complaints about this series is how the main characters are never faced with threats that actually threaten their power. While they may battle insurmountable odds, the reader comes to expect that they will achieve their goals unscathed and with dramatic flair. Rhys, Feyre, and the rest of the IC are blessed with immense power, even better looks, and an author who thinks they are perfect in every way. 

The characters are so perfect that they can die and be resurrected with virtually zero consequences. SJM has made them invulnerable. 

Don’t get me wrong. I hate when beloved characters die in a series, but it is equally frustrating when characters “die” and are then resurrected within minutes at seemingly no cost. Dramatically, this takes away from the emotion of the moment and cheapens the initial sacrifice by making it seemingly moot. 

What am I referring to? Rhysand’s death (or lack thereof) in ACOWAR. 

If I were SJM writing ACOWAR I would have dramatically changed the outcome of Rhys’ resurrection. The price of his sacrifice for Feyre should come at the cost of his High Lord powers. We know, according to the lore that SJM herself has written, that when a High Lord dies his power automatically transfers onto another. We also know that in ACOWAR Rhys is dead. I know Feyre talks about an essence of him holding on through their bond, but for all intents and purposes he is dead. If the other High Lords don’t offer up part of their life-force, Rhys remains dead. It’s as simple as that. Therefore, during those moments before his resurrection it makes sense that the High Lord powers of the Night Court would transfer onto a new High Lord. 

I get so excited thinking about this twist for multiple reasons. 

I love the idea of Rhys’ love for Feyre and his people manifesting in his self-sacrifice. We know that Rhys is devoted to his people and to Feyre. He has also made sacrifices for his court in the past. This ultimate sacrifice reinforces this characterization. Furthermore, the loss of his High Lord powers is compelling because it proves that Rhys was willing to give up his immense power for the ones he loves. Since Rhys willingly sacrificed himself in ACOWAR, we can make the assumption that he knew his power would end up transferring to someone else upon his death. In contrast to other fae who put power before everything else, Rhys would stand out as willing to give up everything for love. This makes Rhys more likeable and less of an arrogant asshole who gets what he wants when he wants because he is all powerful. I for one am not impressed by how he is seemingly the most powerful High Lord in Prythian for…reasons. It’s cheesy, and makes the main characters literally invulnerable. It makes the story boring and frustrating and gives the characters no room for personal growth. Why grow when you already have everything? I think it would be more interesting for readers to see how he and Feyre adjust to life without his High Lord Powers. Who is Rhys without his godlike powers anyway?  Which leads to my second point.

If the High Lord Powers of the Night Court are transferred… who do they go to? Definitely not to a member of the Inner Circle or any other ally. We’re here for compelling plot, not giving characters advantages just because we like them! No. My suggestion is that the High Lord powers shift to…. Keir!!! You might be asking yourself, why Keir? He is such an asshole and would be a terrible High Lord. To which I reply, exactly! To set up the conflict in the next series of books we have ACOWAR end on a bittersweet note. On the one hand, the King of Hybern is dead, and all the major characters survived! On the other hand, Rhys’ power has transferred to one of his enemies. Not only are Rhys and co. now vulnerable, Velaris is also at risk from their new High Lord. This bittersweet ending achieves a good payoff for the survival of all the main characters. Stylistically it makes for better writing and a more realistic end to the series instead of “and we lived happily ever after as the most powerful High Lord and Lady in existence.” The sequel series would see Rhys and co. struggle to regain/retain control over Velaris and their people. The plot with the human queens is all good and fine… except that SJM literally never lets us leave the Night Court. 3/4 of the action in books 3 onward takes place in the Night Court. Therefore, it would be a nice change for the conflict to actually take place there and not with some Human Queens that have hardly any page time. This conflict with the new High Lord of the Night Court also offers some interesting new opportunities for character development. Rhys, for the first time in his existence would feel like a stranger in his own court and body. Technically, under Amarantha he was unable to access the majority of his High Lord powers but in that case it was different because he was still High Lord and had access to some of that power however diminished. In this circumstance, he has been stripped of all High Lord powers. He wouldn’t have all the answers, he literally is not in control. This allows him to empathize with Nesta and Elain. Feyre’s sisters also feel like strangers in their new bodies. They were violated and forced to become Fae; they unwillingly gave up their humanity in a way that parallels Rhys unwittingly giving up his power to Keir. In this alternate series Rhys comes to respect and understand both Nesta and Elain for who they are, not who he wants them to be. They have similar journeys of self discovery as each has to learn how to live again. Speaking of Nesta…. oh baby let’s talk about Nesta. Who took immense power from the cauldron? You guessed it, our girl Nesta. Who retains this power even when Rhys is powerless? Ding ding ding, right again! Nesta. In this alternate series women do not have to give up, or diminish their power while their male counterparts get to enjoy it (re: Amren returning with zero powers while Rhys retains all of his at the end of ACOWAR). How great would it be for Rhys and Feyre to need Nesta to help them stand against Keir? How great would it be for Nesta to have a character arc where the main characters actually respect her autonomy, personhood, traumas, and power??!! Reading ACOSF made me equal parts upset, angry, and bewildered. Here are a few reasons why: strong female characters don’t allow others to walk all over them, refusing to fund Nesta’s lifestyle and controlling every aspect of her life are two different things, and Nesta is not the only character who needs to apologize. I’m going to say it again, Nesta is not the only character who needs to apologize. That’s all I’ll say on this subject as ACOSF is another rant for another day. I think these changes in plot also benefit Feyre’s character as well. I see a huge difference between the character I loved in ACTOAR & ACOMAF and the rest of the series. It’s unrealistic that someone with very little leadership experience can fall so easily into the role of powerful High Lady and I feel like her character lost a lot of relatability as the series progressed. The Feyre of ACOTAR would not act like the Feyre of ACOSF.

When the courts were first introduced to us it always bothered me that there were four seasonal courts but only three solar courts… where is the dusk court? I think that my alternate sequel series would culminate in the birth of the Dusk Court. It bothers me that the Night Court is so divided. Rhys literally hates the Court of Nightmares and at best merely tolerate them. It’s hard to reconcile that both Velaris and the Court of Nightmares are the part of the same Court. On other days I would argue that Nightmares are dreams too and Rhys has no business condemning literally half of his court in favour of Velaris. But today I’m going to give it to him. In this  alternate sequel series, Velaris is different for a reason. It isn’t meant to be part of the Night Court. Velaris seems likes a different court, and so it shall be: behold! Velaris, capital of the Dusk Court! Who leads them? The newly minted High Lord and Lady of the Dusk Court: Rhys and Feyre. It may seem counterintuitive to give Rhys High Lord powers back when I’ve established why it is so important for him to lose them, but in my alternate series he will have had to fight, make sacrifices, and develop empathy for other people in ways that make him worthy of being High Lord. It also works as a narrative device for him to receive what he lost after proving himself (by working alongside Feyre, her sisters, and the rest of the IC as equals). I also think it is fitting that Rhys and Feyre could create a new court together. 

I hope you have enjoyed my rantings. I’m going to end this here since it’s already obscenely long. I would love to hear your thoughts! I believe firmly that Rhys should never have resurrected with his High Lord powers. The consequences of this could have been so compelling for future books. And it upsets me to see such wasted potential for character growth. This rant is mostly an exercise for myself to rewrite the worst parts of these books in ways that let me love these characters again. No-one should be victim to Mary/Gary Stu-Syndrome. not even Riceball. 

[eaglehealthworks]

Lots of words, lots of meanings Pt. I

This entry is intended to bring a little educational understanding to those who are unsure of what all the different terms mean in the world of people with drug/alcohol/behavioral issues. For the sake of discussing the individual, he/she/they are known as such and will be in active use, active recovery, or active wellness (complete remission, perhaps). There are those that will state that one cannot be cured and there is only a state of recovery because the individual is never not addicted to whatever caused problems. I contend that an individual can achieve active wellness which would include complete abstinence and a life without psychoactive substances and/or other excessive repetitive patterns know as behavioral addictions (e.g., gambling, sex, shopping &c.) in healthy, sustainable, and satisfying ways.

Yes, if someone who has been in the throes of chemical dependency or behavioral disorder return to the substance and/or behavior, the cycle begins where it left off for many biological reasons. The point is it is absolutely possible and very much achievable to never return to that way of existing. If you follow medical orders after realizing a high blood pressure diagnosis, the problem becomes completely manageable. If you get your blood pressure down then revert back to a lifestyle which caused it to increase then guess what, it will return with a vengeance. Same exact thing.

I’ll step off of my “You can live well” pulpit and get into the terminology because the layers to wellness are many, deep, and worthy of their very own post(s) .

What is drug addiction, and should we use the term or its derivatives?

According to the National Institute of Drug Abuse (NIDA, 2019), it is “a chronic disease characterized by compulsive, or uncontrollable, drug seeking and use despite harmful consequences and changes in the brain, which can be long-lasting”. Note how it is considered a medical disease by the established medical community. This gets some people in a tizzy and those are often heard exclaiming, “You did this to yourself!, It’s not a disease!, Cancer is a disease!”, &c. The number one cause of death in these United States is heart disease caused largely by; you guessed it, the sufferer (Weatherspoon, 2019). Smoking, diet, overweight, sedentary, all contribute significantly to this problem. Those previously mentioned anger mongers will often retort “Yeah, well it is also genetic!”, and so is chemical dependency (Johns Hopkins, 2021).

Whether or not the term is used or not is always up for debate, and only time will determine its existence. Addiction as a term is fairly straightforward and accurate; however, the term addict is filled with negative connotation, stereotype, and stigma. I can assure you that easily half of everyone I have ever treated looks and behaves just like every other citizen walking around in any neighborhood anywhere. Rich, poor, elderly, young, and all points in between describe people with substance use disorders and behavioral addictions, many of whom you would never guess. I have also known many straight edge folks who the average American might easily mistake for someone who abuses drugs based on appearance alone.

How does someone get diagnosed?

Well, it must be done by a licensed and qualified medical professional who has spent many years in study and has the student debt to prove it. Or you can generally ask someone who is suspected of having a problem with drugs, alcohol, or circumstance and they will know if it can be controlled or if help is needed. This does not take into account those in denial or fear of losing something by the very nature of the question (like safety, shelter, liberty, &c). In the case of the former, the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders Fifth Edition (DSM-V) by the American Psychiatric Association (APA) uses the following criteria to determine whether a problem exists and/or the degree of severity if present (APA, 2013):

A. A problematic pattern of [insert substance or circumstance] use leading to clinically significant impairment or distress, as manifested by at least two of the following, occurring within a 12-month period:

1.     [insert substance or circumstance, e.g., alcohol, opioids, gambling, &c.]  are often taken in larger amounts or over a longer period than was intended.

2.     There is a persistent desire or unsuccessful efforts to cut down or control [insert substance or circumstance] use.

3.     A great deal of time is spent in activities necessary to obtain the [insert substance or circumstance], use the [insert substance or circumstance], or recover from its effects.

4.     Craving, or a strong desire or urge to use [insert substance or circumstance].

5.     Recurrent [insert substance or circumstance]  use resulting in a failure to fulfill major role obligations at work, school, or home.

6.     Continued [insert substance or circumstance]  use despite having persistent or recurrent social or interpersonal problems caused or exacerbated by the effects of [insert substance or circumstance].

7.     Important social, occupational, or recreational activities are given up or reduced because of [insert substance or circumstance]  use.

8.     Recurrent [insert substance or circumstance]  use in situations in which it is physically hazardous.

9.     Continued [insert substance or circumstance]  use despite knowledge of having a persistent or recurrent physical or psychological problem that is likely to have been caused or exacerbated by the substance.

10.  Tolerance, as defined by either of the following:

a.      A need for markedly increased amounts of [insert substance or circumstance]  to achieve intoxication or desired effect.

b.     A markedly diminished effect with continued use of the same amount of an [insert substance or circumstance]. (Note: This criterion is not considered to be met for those taking [insert substance or circumstance]  solely under appropriate medical supervision.)

11.  Withdrawal, as manifested by either of the following:

a.      The characteristic [insert substance or circumstance]  withdrawal syndrome (refer to Criteria A and B of the criteria set for [insert substance or circumstance]  withdrawal).

b.     [insert substance or circumstance]  (or a closely related substance) are taken to relieve or avoid withdrawal symptoms. (Note: This criterion is not considered to be met for those individuals taking [insert substance or circumstance]  solely under appropriate medical supervision.)

NONE – Presence of 0-1 symptoms

MILD – Presence of 2-3 symptoms

MODERATE – Presence of 4-5 symptoms

SEVERE – Presence of 6 or more symptoms 

Questions? Anyone? Let’s keep moving. Now with this information held firmly in your mind, you still need to be properly credentialed in order to affix a legitimate diagnosis to anyone, so this is for informational purposes only. Here are a few more terms to add to your lexicon though:

1.     Drug Intoxication. This is elusive because many people with a substance use disorder(s) have been using for so long that their strange and erratic behavior has become accepted traits. Often the presence of intoxication is a sudden change in demeanor, i.e., one moment a person is restless and anxious, they go to the bathroom and after emerging proceed to pass-out after sitting down anywhere (opioids). Or an individual is nervous and even a little shaky but after a few moments alone returns happy, smooth in gait, and chatty (alcohol). Perhaps a loved one is lethargic and grumpy, but after returning from the bathroom is full of energy and talking a mile a minute (cocaine, methamphetamine). Of course, there are many indicators, but you get the point.

2.     Drug Abuse. The continued use of a psychoactive drug or behavioral patterns despite the knowledge that it is causing social, occupational, psychological, or physical problems (APA, 2013). Put simply, doing something to excess where the consequences outweigh the benefits; An ice cream cone is great, a half-gallon  makes you vomit (in most cases).

3.     Drug Dependence. Maladaptive pattern of use resulting in significant impairment or distress, as shown by compulsive use, increased tolerance, withdrawal, and obsessive thoughts about it (APA, 2013).

 You know, the word withdrawal has been presented several times in this post and it deserves its own little section because it is this experience alone that keeps more people in active use than any other single precipitating factor. The human mind is in a constant state of seeking homeostasis or normal acceptable functioning. All people, not just those with drug/alcohol issues seek the avoidance of pain. Ok, somewhere there is a body builder claiming no pain no gain but let that pain be a sciatic or tooth nerve and he/she is reduced to a tower of gelatin seeking immediate relief.

 This next sentence is a value statement directly from the horse; withdrawal is an exquisitely harrowing experience engulfing the entirety of the human experience and reducing it to the most detestable overall sensation of prolonged living death. The only relief which is desperately sought and despised simultaneously is more of the substance that caused it. I really don’t know a better way to explain it. I know of septuagenarian Rockwellesque grandmothers who have sold themselves for heroin because their medical provider overprescribed opioids for years and due to pressure from governing authorities cut them off, just to avoid withdrawal. People question this but its sadly true, and not even the worst of the stories.

 If you ever want to chat with me about this or anything else related to relief from substance and/or circumstance please contact me here or at the clinic. Feel free to click on any of the links provided for more reading. Thanks for taking the time, enjoy.

-        Edesepam

References

American Psychiatric Association. (2013). Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders (5th ed.). https://doi.org/10.1176/appi.books.9780890425596

Johns Hopkins. (2021). Substance Abuse / Chemical Dependency. Retrieved from https://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/health/conditions-and-diseases/substance-abuse-chemical-dependency on 2021, June 30.

NIDA. (2019, January 17). Treatment Approaches for Drug Addiction DrugFacts. Retrieved from https://www.drugabuse.gov/publications/drugfacts/treatment-approaches-drug-addiction on 2021, June 30

Weatherspoon, D. (2019, March 29). What Are the 12 Leading Causes of Death in the United States? Retrieved from https://www.healthline.com/health/leading-causes-of-death on 2021, June 30.

[starr-fall-knight-rise]

Humans are Space Orcs, Mockingbird.”

Based on a request I received in my asks for some fluff. I think you guys will like it, or at least I hope you do :) 

He couldn’t  remember much of the last few days. Everything was a blur of motion, pain and dizziness. He couldn't tell if he was staying up or lying down or running in circles or spinning inside an F-90 Darkfire going nine times faster than the speed of sound. It felt like he was constantly pulling almost 9-Gs staying awake was impossible, but at the same time, so was falling asleep.

He felt horrible, sick.

He thought he remembered throwing up a few times, but he could have been wrong.

However, he did remember the aching, a pain that throbbed through his body like he had a horrible flu. His muscles ached, his bones ached, his blood might as well have ached. Everything around him echoed, the lights pulsed in and out. 

He was nauseous and so very, very cold.

The shivering ache in his bones did nothing to help the horrible throbbing of his muscles, especially the muscles in his back.

He thought he heard voices a few times, mingling with the echoes and spinning with the lights over his head. The world began to spin to his left, and he tried controlling the nausea like he would in the cockpit of a jet, but for some reason all his normal tricks weren’t working. His stomach churned.

He fell in and out of consciousness.

His eyes opened and then closed. He was on his side, or at least he thought he was. The nausea wasn’t so bad anymore, but his mouth tasted horrible.

He closed his eyes against the spinning.

He was falling backwards now.

And he was so so tired. His head was resting against something soft, now something hard. More voices echoed.

He tried to make them out, but every time he did he only felt more horrible, more nausea building up on his insides.

“Anything.” The voice faded in and out plunging downward, deepening and stretching out for long minutes forcing him to miss the rest of the conversation. He tried to open his eyes, and was almost immediately blinded. The lights above his head warped and twisted stretching one way and then flattening in the other direction.

Then it doubled and they began to dance back and forth against each other.

“Adam.”

The sound echoed in his head as if it had been yelled into a narrow canyon.

He had trouble remembering what the sounds meant.

His head was throbbing.

More lights.

He flinched away squeezing his eyes shut and immediately fell back in. The nausea overcame him again followed by the dizziness and the vertigo until he couldn’t open his eyes.  He spun back and forth and back and forth his muscles aching, his body throbbing. The shivering got worse , and it wouldn’t have mattered if there were blankets or not. 

He just felt so horrible.

That could have gone on for an eternity as far as he knew. An eternity of spinning, bright lights and echoing voices  interspersed with uneasy moments of sleep characterized by horrific nightmares. Nightmares that contained faceless monsters, strange alien creatures and his own inevitable failure.

And then he fell asleep, finally.

It started off in small bouts of silent restfulness, a deep and soothing darkness that relaxed his body and calmed his mind. When he floated towards the surface, almost awake, he could hear voices, and thought that he could at least understand them.

“How is he today, doc?”

“He’s doing better, sleeping more. The drugs took a real toll on his system. I doubt the admiral was entirely correct about what exactly was in those drugs.”

“He’s lucky to have you. He wouldn’t have survived the overdose otherwise.”

And then he was gone again, sinking back down,

He would have had no way of knowing how long he was out, and when he woke up again, just a little clearer than last time, he heard.

“Why not a medically induced coma, at least then he wouldn’t be in pain.”

“I determined that this was the safer decision in the state he is in. Don’t worry, things are slowly getting easier. He’s sleeping hours at a time now.”

Another voice, “no more vomiting, though that may be just because he’s running on empty.”

He let himself sink away this time, finding that he was getting better at controlling it. He stayed longer this time, curled up in the safety of the darkness where it was warm, and pain free. However, this time he was woken up by a voice.

“Dr. Katie thinks you might be able to hear us. Says you sort of drift in and out.” Though the ache in his body was still there the familiarity of the voice eased his mind, “It was…. An honor to fight with you. I only wish it could have been under better circumstances..” A hand rested on his upper arm, “For a human, you make a pretty good Drev.” 

Something warm touched his hand, or at least he thought it was his hand. When it pulled away his hand was wet.

“Waffles misses you. We haven’t been able to move her without her getting really agitated.” Something soft caressed against his fingers, a soft whimpering pulsing through the air. Soft waves of air to caress his ears. 

He tried to open his eyes, but the dizziness hit him again and, suddenly, he could hardly function. He sunk away again occasionally aware of a furry, warm snout nudging his hand as he slept.

“Hey, Commander…. Adam. yeah anyway, Sunny thinks we should talk to you, so Mav and I are here….er Ramirez.”

“So eloquent.”

“Shut up it's not like he’s expecting a soliloquy, what do you want me to do compose shakespeare.”

“I’d Like to see that.”

“Shut up, anyway, as I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted/, we are, the crew i mean, are all rooting for you, and we will be here when you’re ready to wake up. Also, please wake up, the spiderlings haven't stopped freaking out since you went under. I can’t exactly tell if they are crying or not but they are making some weird ass noises…. How about you Mav, you got anything to say?”

“Just if you don’t wake up in the next week, I am going to shake you awake and kick your bitch ass for making us wait so long. I am not a patient person.”

“As empathetic as always Mav.”

This time he felt as if he had been asleep for longer, feeling rather than hearing people pass through. He recognizes some return offenders, though some of them were there for a purpose.

“You know, Comm- I mean, Adam. Sometimes I blame you for making me more human. You took away one of the things that made my life easy, and then you gave me empathy. Now I, well having my friends gone hurts. It doesn’t make any logical sense from a proper Vrul standpoint .But you made me into…. Not much of a vrul anymore . You gave me empathy, and friends, and a social life…..” silence, “And I fucking hate it…. But at the same time I don’t. You hear that, I both hate it and don’t hate it at the same time like that is possible. I’m making as much sense as a human .”

More drawn silence.

“Look, I know what you said and how you acted in the suit weren’t you, but I just….. I need….. … I need you to wake up, so I know, so I know that everything is ok between us. The anticipation is killing me more than anything.”

He felt warm inside, and the shivering was dying down. He supposed that was a good thing, and following that moment he thought he might have slept the entire night through, though he could still tell that opening his eyes was going to be a problem. When he awoke, he awoke to a melody, someone signing quietly.

He recognized it, a distant memory from and even more distant childhood.

The song must have been thousands of years old, and for that reason it was….. Sweet.

“Still gets me today that a thousand years ago someone’s mother was singing their baby to sleep with that.”

A soft hand on his.

A gentle touch at the IV in his arm, “Hope you don't mind me singing to myself, or talking. I don’t usually do it when krill is around, he wouldn’t understand. Or maybe he would, but…. It feels weird. I was pretty weird you know, never really figured out why. Guess that’s what I get for wanting to be a librarian when I was little. Became a doctor instead, “ Dr Katie  laughed, “My how things change. Its honestly crazy to me you ended up with the exact job you wanted….. Bet you didn’t think it would be this hard ....” She trailed off, and there was silence for a long time before she began to sing to herself again.

Her voice wove patterns through his dreams

Hush little baby don’t say a word

Moma’s gonna buy you a mockingbird.

He spun slowly around and around in circles descending downward.

And if that mockingbird don’t sing 

The warmth grew back up around him, enfolding him from all sides like the embracing arms of a lover.

Papa’s gonna buy you a diamond ring.

He could have slept for days after that dreaming on and off barely knowing what was real and what was inside his head. The world didn’t spin anymore, and his body only ached slightly. The nausea was simply a general discomfort through his darkness, and he could ignore it easily enough.

“You better wake up soon. Seems like you have been in here long enough.”

Was that Conn? 

Couldn’t be.

“You dirty rat bastard.” Nope that was him alright, “I expect you get out here soon….. It is rather lonely in my head….”

Other hands, other voices, other confessions, some cold some warm, felt through his insides like each person was pouring liquid of different temperatures into his blood, pumping through his chest and heart. 

Eventually, the world stopped spinning completely, the echoes died away, and he was left alone in his own head finally with the ability to think consciously, as conscious as he was between bouts of sleep. The nausea was still there, but it might have been due to hunger more than anything else.

The next time he woke up, things were different. The last time it had been as if he was rising through dark water only to be separated from the surface by a pane of one way glass he couldn’t crack.

This time, the pane of glass was gone, and light and sounds poured in around him.

He first became aware of sound, the quiet muttering of conversation, the beeping of machines, and the clattering of tools. Someone was laughing distantly.

Secondly, he was aware of a weight pressed against his side. It was soft and warm, and as he lay there he felt it move. Something rested on his stomach, just under his chest. Whatever it was let off a long drawn out sigh and a yawn.

Lastly , there was light.

For a second he thought he had gone partially blind, but realized his eyes were still closed.

He stayed like that for a little bit, adjusting before.

Flexing his fingers.

And immediately noticed the absence of the steel eye armor.

The relief was incredible. 

His hands were stiff, and the joints ached a little, but slowly he was able to open his hand.

Moving was harder, and it brought back the muted ache from earlier.

His fingertips brushed over sheets as his hand moved up brushing fur, and the warm muscled body underneath.

He stroked a hand through Waffle’s fur.

The lifted her head in surprise, then, with a whimper scooted forward resting her head on his chest nosing him with her snout.

He lifted his hand to stroke her ears.

She licked once as his face catching him in the jaw with her warm slimy tongue.

There was a creaking noise just to his side, “Hey, Girl, everything alright?”

The dog whimpered.

Whoever it was stood.

“Krill.” 

He tried opening his eyes flooded with light before blinking. The dog whimpered again.

He turned his head from the lights trying to blink away the haze.

“Adam. Can you hear us?”

He blinked a few more times squinting against the light until the world around him slowly resolved, light fading backwards.

First, he saw the ceiling, and the overhead lights, curtain rods with the curtains pulled open, an IV bag, medical machines. Looking down he saw his own feet under blankets, and finally the warm worried eyes of his dog. The look she gave him was one of such sincere concern  that, for a moment, he was worried he might be dying. Upon making eye contact she scooted even further forward resting one paw on his chest  snuffling at his face and licking him across the cheek.

“Easy girl.” someone said 

He turned his head a little further brows still furrowed falling on a familiar spidery form floating to the side.

“Adam?” Krill said again.

It took him a few seconds to understand turning his head to the other side where a tall blue figure was standing her gold eyes struck with worry.

He turned his head back to Krill.

“We’re good.”

The dog continued to nuzzle at him rubbing her head against his shoulder trying to get his attention. Overhead the two aliens relaxed visibly, “What was that?”’ Krill asked leaning forward to look him over.

“You wanted to know….. If we were still good…..” Trying to talk past his dry nasty tasting mouth was unpleasant. He smacked his lips, “And I wanted to say that we are.”

The relief broke even further.

Krill was speechless.

Sunny laughed in relief, or at least the equivalent for a Drev.

Dr. Katie poked her head around from the right side curtain, “You’re awake!”

He had both hands up now patting the dog’s ears as she frantically nuzzled forward tail slapping against the bed railing. His right hand was taped up, the tube of an IV sticking into his hand.

He was still very fuzzy and tired.

“How are you feeling?” 

“Better than…. I was…. Before.” A light flicked from one eye to the other, and he squinted, “Hey…” Even his mechanical eye didn’t seem pleased.

“Just making sure your brain is in tact. 

“It never was.” He mumbled.

The dog had  her head resting on his shoulder now, “Surprised you…. Let her stay.”

“I was worried she might bite me.”

Sunny patted the dog’s back.

“Hey, Krill there are a few people at the door come to check in on the Commander.”

“Tell them to stay out. The commander needs his rest.”

Adam raised a hand, “Wait… no… it's ok.”

“You can barely string two words together.” Krill scolded

“Just five minutes and then....” His voice was slightly slurred, “And then I’ll do…. Whatever.”

“Fine, five minutes.”

He closed his eyes briefly listening as feet shuffled across the floor, and soft voices murmured up around him.

“Commander.”

He opened his eyes to see a huddle of marines standing at the end of his bed. Ramirez, Mav, CJ and a few others.

“You alright?”

“Terrific.”

“They must have you on some good drugs.”

“Actually no…. Due to the nature of his stay, he’s actually sober right now.”

The marines laughed, only to be silenced by Krill, “If that’s the case you definitely need sleep.” Ramirez patted his foot, “Don’t let us get in your way, rest, relax, do what you need to do.”  They were ushered out as quickly as they had come, he was having trouble keeping his eyes open. The dog’s breath was warm against his throat from where her head rested on his shoulder.

Off in the corner he watched a set of white ribbons gently waving in the subtle air currents of the ship.”

“Welcome back,” Said a voice, unbidden inside his head.

“Bitch.” he thought.

“Dumbass.” Came the reply 

He leaned his head back the pillow cool and soothing against his aching neck. He reached up a hand absently letting it hang in the air until something took it. Sunny’s skin was warm compared to his own.

His head lolled sideways.

And he was gone.

[bechobbi]

Fortune favours the bold - SamDrake x Reader - (Chapter 6)

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For once, you took a day off "work" and enjoyed the sun and nature that surrounded the motel.

You needed to reflect. You would have liked to accept Sam's proposal immediately, but at the same time you didn't want to endanger anyone else except yourself.

You walked slowly on a dirt path in the small wood in front of the motel. It was a pretty remote place if it weren't for the 24-hour supermarket.

You would have liked to have a plan, you thought, but it wasn't like that at all and you didn't even know where to start. However, you had some information about your evil relatives, they had the money to do everything even make you disappear into thin air.

Part of you was hoping they had forgotten about you after all these years.

Was it really better to leave it to someone else like Sam said?

Small parrots caught your attention. Their feathers were bright green and their noises resounded in the air. They hopped pecking at the ground looking for food a few meters from you. They reminded you of your old house where, in the middle of the large flower garden, there was a fountain where in summer the birds went to cool off.

That memory convinced you even more to want to take everything back even at the cost of risking your life. Then you resumed your march and the parrots soared into the sky as you passed by.

 Meanwhile at the motel Sam was making some phone calls:

“Hey old man, how are you doing? ... Yes, yes, I guess so ... Listen, I have a job that might interest you ... It is an inheritance ... Yes ... But the client has yet to give me a certain answer ... As soon as I know something I'll let you know ... OK, ok ... See you soon. "

He threw the phone on the bed and left the room to get a breath of fresh air. It was not easy to find someone, his bad friendships became fewer with the story of the marriage, he had had to cut many bridges because he wanted to start over.

The man had not remained idle while you were out clearing your train of thoughts, he had investigated you and your family.

Your parents were two patrons, two wealthy people who helped less fortunate kids to study and emerge. They were philanthropists, but also the black sheep of their respective families.

Your relatives, on the other hand, were rich stingy bourgeois and bad-hearted, and certainly did not look favorably on the choices of your mother and father.

Sam had even found a couple of newspaper articles reporting the discovery of two corpses, your parents’, but no mention of you.

The bodies had been found following an anonymous phone call received by the police. Together with them documents attesting to debts and tax fraud were found, which for the lazy and corrupt policemen they represented the motive for the death of the two people.

For them, your father would have killed your mother, after which he would have hang himself. A cliché.

“A big mansion, two rich people found dead in a suspicious circumstance, money, different opinions, corrupt police, a 'daughter' ... Interesting” thought Sam.

The man discovered that your mother had had a daughter, but she disappeared into thin air years later. No other births. The date of birth and your age did not match, so he deduced that you probably must have been adopted. Except that there was no sheet to prove it.

Sam needed to know more about you. So he waited patiently for your return plunging back into the search for more.

 You came back from your walk, you were calmly walking to the room where you had spent the night. The sun was setting. You knocked on the door, but no one answered. You knocked again. Nothing. You decided to forget about manners and try to open the door. It was open.

"Who the hell is it that doesn't lock the door in such remote place like this ?!" you murmured to yourself.

Upon entering you noticed that the room had been rearranged, the bed had clean sheets and your dirty clothes, which you had left on the floor that morning, had been folded and placed on the desk under the window.

There was a scent of cleanliness and everything made you feel a sensation of warmth in your chest.

You entered on tiptoe almost for fear of ruining that order, you crouched on the ground to take off your boots. Once barefoot, you went to bed and sat down waiting for some sign of life, a noise, anything that would tell you where your roommate was.

Then suddenly the door of the bathroom opened making you jump, you saw clothes fly and land on the floor in front of the bed. You thought it best to emit a rattle to signal your presence and if it wasn't for that you would have found the naked figure of Sam in front of you.

The man promptly tied a towel around his waist and when he crossed the threshold of the bathroom he said:

" You're back!"

You were a bit stunned to see him shirtless and from the towel you could get an idea of ​​the man's virility. A shiver ran down your spine. He was a captivating type, there was no doubt.

“Y-yes, I'm back. I-I tried to knock ... "

"Oh yes? I didn't hear" he said, running his hands through his still damp hair "I was taking a shower”.  At the base of his neck, his hair rolled up into more accentuated curls than usual.

"Where have you been?" he asked you taking another towel and passing it over his chest.

It felt like the beginning of a porn movie.

"Ah-um, I took a walk in the woods in front ..." you looked away from him who was now smiling slyly.

"Do you like what you see?" he said.

You blushed and laughed "Idiot, stop it, you make me uncomfortable ..."

He laughed hard as he took clean clothes from a bag in the closet.

"I thought you weren't coming back."

Suddenly a detail struck you, the man's left side showed round scars.

"What are those?" you asked to distract yourself from your obscene thoughts.

"A little memory of Panama, you know I liked it so much that ... well ... I always carry it with me" he chuckled.

You felt the urge to touch those wounds, to understand if they were true or not. Your body moved by itself, you crawled over to Sam and reached out. Your index finger now was brushing those circles of brown and jagged skin. He didn't move, he stayed there giving you his side. You could perceive the diversity of the skin, however soft, and under it the muscles that characterized the figure of the man.

"Did it hurt?" you asked.

"Like hell" he answered in a low voice.

"How did you do?"

At your touch Sam let out a small muffled moan and said "...They shot me."

"... oh ..." you were captured by those jagged circles.

Then suddenly he moved away and said "Now you do understand why you shouldn’t play with weapons?"

"Sorry ..." you said realizing what you just did. You had just touched his weakest points. And he had let you do it.

He smiled putting on a clean white T-shirt, then with jeans and a pair of boxers in his right hand he went to the bathroom to get dressed.

He came out dressed, clean and fragrant.

"I thought we could go get something to eat" he proposed.

Your stomach felt more empty than ever, so you accepted.

 You were walking towards the supermarket, you with your hands in your coat pockets and him smoking.

"You are the first person who decides to help me" you said.

Puffs of white smoke left Sam's lips "Well, if you had told someone what happened to you, maybe they would have helped you."

You weren't convinced then he added  "Surely, if I hadn't found your backpack you wouldn't have told me anything, and you would have just run away like you always have."

He read your mind, so you bit your lip and smirking you said "How do you know this?

Sam looked at you from his height "I put and two together. It didn't take a genius to figure it out. I did these things too. "

"Then don't lecture me" you teased him.

"You're better than me, that's why I'm warning you" he concluded.

 Finally you arrived at the supermarket, crossing the threshold the bell placed at the top of the door rang, signaling the entrance of customers.

"What do you want to eat?" Sam asked.

You just had to put anything under your teeth, so you ordered the attendant behind the bread counter to prepare you some sandwiches to eat on the fly.

During the preparation of what would be your dinner, you took a tour of the supermarket shelves.

Earlier, at the motel, you noticed the now empty bottle of Scotch, so you thought about getting one of the same brand. You grabbed the bottle and went back to Sam.

“I saw that you finished it" you said.

The man gave you a quick glance, then looked into his pockets and counted the money he had left.

"I think we would need a trick to get it" he winked at you and added "See how it’s done!"

With the sandwiches ready and the bottle of liquor you went to the cash desk where the usual swooning and provocative blonde whom Sam already knew was waiting.

"Hi handsome" she said.

"Hi honey, how are you?" Sam answered placing the items on the counter.

She leaned forward as usual to show her breasts "Now that I see you I'm fine"

"I guessed so" the man said letting his eyes wander over her.

"Who is she?" said the blonde pointing at you with her head.

“She is my little sister! We haven't seen each other for a long time, so tonight we wanted to celebrate "

The blonde was loudly chewing a chewing-gum and she was winking at Sam so constantly that she was almost annoying.

"You know..." Sam continued using his mellowest voice "I don't have enough cash with me ... So I thought we could make a trade, honey ..."

She melted like chocolate in the sun.

"What time do you finish, beauty?" Sam said moving closer to her face.

"At 11 pm I finish my shift ..." she said out of breath.

“I'll wait for you outside, what do you think? Me and you... ?" he continued.

She nodded biting her lower lip.

And that was how Sam got the free bottle of Scotch.

On the way to the motel you suddenly turned to the man "Are you really going?"

"Who knows" he replied.

You scrutinized it carefully and after a few minutes of silence you continued "I don't think you will go there"

"And how do you know?" he retorted.

"it's a feeling. You just wanted the bottle of Scotch, you don't give a damn about her "

"Atta girl, I see that we understand each other on the fly. You are impressive ... Furthermore she had floppy tits" he added.

It made you both laugh.

The evening passed quietly between Sam’s stories, time flew. It was a long time since you had such a good time, not to mention the fact that his stories were exciting.

Both of you were bit high from the alcohol and he seemed happier than when you first saw him.

"So?" you said interrupting the speech.

"So what?"

"...Will you help me?" you told him.

"I was waiting for you to ask me... I think so" he replied, lighting a cigarette.

You got up from the bed where you were sitting, you staggered towards him and, while Sam controlled your movements without understanding what you wanted to do, you approached his face. You gave him an intense look that left him breathless, whispered a "Thank you" and stole the cigarette from his hands.

He didn't resist nor react. He stood there motionless contemplating you. After a moment he recovered and laughed out loud "Hey that was mine!" he yelled.

Night fell, Sam slept on the floor to let you sleep in the bed.

 The next day you found breakfast again and Sam was waiting for you to wake up sitting next to you on the bed, his back against the wall.

"Hey ..." he said "it's time to get up ..." he moved the locks of hair in front of your closed eyes.

Slowly you became aware "G-Good morning ..."

"Come on sleepyhead, there's coffee ... and... we have an appointment ..."

You sat down too, while Sam handed you the cup of hot coffee.

"Thank you..."

He smiled at you soflty.

Sipping the drink you asked him for more information about the appointment he had just mentioned.

"What do we have to do?"

"We have to meet a person the will help us."

You were surprised. Now you had two people to rooting for you.

"Oh..."

“Don't worry, you will thank us when done. Come on, go wash your face, he will be here soon. "

Taken by anxiety, you gulped the coffee in a single sip and catapulted to the bathroom to wash and dress.

After the shower you changed your clothes and decided to wear a dress that your mother had given you years ago.

Once out of the bathroom Sam couldn't help but notice a new side of you, a more feminine side that you apparently tended to hide.

He whistled at you and said "How cute we are"

You blush saying "My mother gave it to me years ago, I think it's the right time to wear it"

He looked at you from head to toe, made a grimace of approval and added "It fits you divinely."

You blushed again.

The magic moment was interrupted by someone knocking on the door.

"Here he is!" Sam nimbly jumped out of bed to open the door.

A middle-aged man with white hair and a bright look was out there.

“Hey Victor! Long time no see!"

"Hi Sam!"

The two hugged and patted each other on the back while you waited for introductions.

"So, Samuel Drake, will you let me in?" said the older man.

"You're welcome" replied the younger one and clearing his throat added "Ahem, this is the disinherited princess", he put both hands on your shoulders "She is Y / N  Y / L / N"

"Hello ..." you held out your hand.

"My pleasre Miss, I'm Victor" he shook your hand. His grip was as strong and firm as Sam's, and from that detail you felt you could trust him too.

Sully took a seat in the chair in the room and you and Sam took place on the edge of the bed.

"So, where do we start?" Victor asked.

Sam waved at you to invite you to speak.

You were so uncomfortable having to tell about your misadventure that you were torturing your fingernails.

Sam noticed your discomfort, so he took one of your hands in his and squeezed them tightly to give you courage. With a smile he gave you another nod and pointing to Sully he said “You can rest assured. Victor and I have known each other for a lifetime, he is a person you can trust, just like me. "

The older man then spoke up and began "I did a lot of research on your family. And you ... you don't appear anywhere. To help you, we need as much details as possible. You can trust me, I give you my word" he concluded putting a hand on his heart.

You held your breath for a couple of seconds, then let yourself go.

“Ok ... I can do it ... I was taken into the house by Mrs. and Mr. Y / L / N when I was about 4 years old. I was part of one of the groups that they followed and to which they gave financial aid to study. Like me, many of my companions had no parents, however, among many, they decided to keep me by their side as if I were their daughter. Only later I understood why: I resembled their missing daughter. Similar eyes, similar attitudes. I heard rumors about this missing daughter of theirs, she wasn't dead, just one day she vanished into thin air. Not being able to have other children, the Lady taught me to call them mom and dad. I grew up with them, studied with them every day of my life. I lacked nothing and I was happy. "

The two men were attentive to every single word that came from your lips. Serious and silent. Occasionally Sam stroked your hands with his thumb and that comforting feeling made you feel good.

“Then one day… I was playing hide and seek with a partner of mine and… I happened to witness an argument between my parents and one of my father's brothers. He brought misfortune, I felt it ... I had never seen my father so agitated ... but at the same time he was determined to continue on his path. "

A tear ran down your face. You stopped your story for a moment as Sam's grip tightened. That gesture moved you and spurred you to go on.

“My father's brother used to say that my parents were doing something wrong and that they should think before doing such a stupid thing. I didn't understand what they were talking about ... I remained hidden listening all the time. Until at a certain point everything was clear: my parents had decided to adopt me and make me the only heir to their inheritance. My relatives, on the other hand, wanted the inheritance for themselves. But my father and my mother had already begun the procedures to adopt me. "

At the word inheritance Sam and Victor threw a knowing look at each other while you continued to unravel the facts.

"My parents ... wanted to remove all their family members from the inheritance because they were people who used the money only for their own purposes, while mom and dad invested in the less fortunate generations ... So to get the inheritance they would have to eliminate me. "

You grasoed Sam's hand and continued in a low voice "... Until one day I’ve found my father hanged and my mother motionless on the ground ..."

Sam interrupted "...Did you do the anonymous phone call?"

You nodded in tears "Yes ... Yes ... It was me who found them ... I felt the world collapse, so I did the wisest thing to do at that moment: run away. It wasn't easy, they tried to track me down, I had a fight with my father's brother, I shot him in the leg as a result of his assault, luckily I didn't end up in prison ... then I finally ran away and they didn't come looking for me anymore. .. "

Sully pulled a pack of cigarettes out of his shirt pocket, took one and lit it. He had to ease the tension of the moment. He took a puff of smoke and asked "How long have you been on the run?"

You looked up at him "About 10 years ..."

"Man..." Sam commented.

You dried another tear.

"Could you give us some information about your relatives or about this uncle of yours?" Victor asked.

"He is the most dangerous, the others are simply inepts, but him ... he is a true son of a bitch."

"I learned that he is a drug dealer" added the elderly man.

"Among the many things ..." you commented.

"... and it seems that he has some kind of bodyguard" concluded Victor turning to Sam.

Sam gave him a questioning look.

You looked at them with horror in the eyes and tearing your hand from those of the younger man you burst into a desperate cry "I'll never make it ..."

Sam wrapped you in his arms and you let yourself go to a convulsive cry.

The two men were now looking into each other's eyes. Then Victor said "The bodyguard is only one"

Upon hearing those words Sam felt relieved, but his attitude soon changed when the other man added:

"... she's a woman".

Sam shivered, his guts twitched, his sixth sense was telling him that if Victor had specified such a trifle it meant that in reality it was not at all, but it was a fundamental detail.

"... Do you believe that ...?"

Sully nodded.

"Fuck ..." Sam murmured bringing a hand to his face while he squeezed you with the other.

[toxicpineapple]

Please give me your amami essay, I'd like to know the TEA! I was also gonna ask for the mastermind essay, but honestly I REALLY wanna hear your thoughts on his characterization (and your thoughts on his shitty fanon characterization)

HOOO BOY OKAY. this is good, it gives me an excuse to procrastinate on reading that new amasai fic on the latest feed. (note that i REALLY WANT TO READ IT, i’m just anticipating commenting and tbh the spoons,,, i lack them. it’s okay though i’ll get over it.)

so!!! let’s start with general attitude, because i think that amami’s is really unique. he’s a subversive character. in general i feel like that was the biggest goal with his character design and personality combination-- he looks like a total playboy, kaede even comments as much moooore than once. but he’s the absolute opposite. i’ll rant about that in a bit. i’ve already gone off on a tangent and i said i was gonna talk about attitude.

amami is laid back, but not to the point of complacency. y’know what i mean? like, he’s relaxed, but he’s on his guard, too. his speaking style is pretty casual (typically he’ll greet people with a “hey,” whenever he’s slightly uncomfortable he’ll probably say “haha”... this isn’t necessarily a canon thing but i like it when people have him talking in sentence fragments. ex. “forgot to grab my jacket” or “wanted to get a snack” sort of thing) and that’s just,,, the type of person he is. he’s casual. it’s remarkable considering how wealthy amami is-- though bear in mind, he still IS wealthy, so there are bound to be things he doesn’t understand about people-- that he can be so normal and like, down to earth, in a way. when people mess around with him he’ll probably just laugh it off.

to cite a fic i read once that had REALLY phenomenal characterisation, imo, ouma ends up dumping a bucket of water on amami’s head (on accident; there are some semantics and i won’t get into it but again the fic is really good and funny and you should totally read it) and amami just squeezes out his shirt and makes a couple cracks before walking away. (sorry this isn’t meant to be a “dumping love on fics” post but GOD that fic is hysterical.) he’s an enabler too, at least i think so-- remember that anthology chapter where kaede, shuichi, and kaito are trying to catch ouma and kaito sets an “amami trap” to stop him? all ouma has to do is flutter his eyelashes and go “pleeeaaase let me go amam~niichan!” and then he just. he does. what a fucking doormat i can’t believe him.

he’s like that though. i feel like big brother stuff is kind of his weakness. (and not in a kinky way alright i will destroy you. he might make a joke about having a sister complex in one of his ftes but he DOESNT that joke was just tasteless COME ON RANTARO WHFKLDSJFK) which brings me to his whole older brother thing, because like,,, YEAH. guy grew up with twelve younger sisters!!! and he remarked in his ftes with shuichi that they’re mostly step sisters, which means he just.... has a nurturing personality. i mean amami is somewhat conservative (if you try to come on to him during salmon mode you will be brutally rebuffed; amami tells u to keep your horny thoughts to yourself, though you shouldn’t be ashamed of having them) so i imagine he’s not the biggest fan of his father’s tendencies-- not that i don’t NECESSARILY interpret his father’s behaviour as him sleeping around.... it’s possible he just likes children and deliberately marries women who already have kids so he can take them... i mean it’s exceedingly decent to keep considering ur step children to be your children after a divorce so i have a hard time reconciling this common image of rantaro’s dad as some kind of player figure with the impression i got of him in my head but that’s just my daddy issues coming into play again so ignore me-- and yet he still considers all his sisters to be his sisters.

not to mention he feels a great deal of like, responsibility, when it comes to taking care of them. i find it impossible to believe that all the losses were his fault. you could ARGUE that the one he tells you about with his younger sister was to be blamed on him? but i mean, amami is a child. he didn’t even know his sister was following him out. sure he blames himself for it but there’s no real good way to blame him just considering that,,, he’s a kid. and he was so young-- he was obviously so young-- when it happened. so like, not to be all Good and Bad on you, but i do feel that amami is fundamentally a good reason. and you SEE that too, in the killing game. i’m certain he was on the fence about trusting that note he woke up with. would you trust it? he had no memory whatsoever of writing it, all he had were the words “ultimate hunt” and a map of the school to guide his way. i imagine he wasn’t even sure if he should do what the note said. but then ryoma started talking about sacrificing himself for everyone else, and rantaro probably thought, “well... if i have a way to get us out of here, even if it doesn’t work, i can’t just let ryoma sacrifice himself without having tried.”

rantaro is self-reliant too, i think. in the talent development plan mukuro remarks that she noticed he was injured a good number of times, but never said anything about it because she felt like he was trying to keep it under wraps. (note: good idea for an amami and mukuro friendship fic. must write. someone remind me.) i think amami kind of feels isolated from his classmates? either because he has these perceived notions of like, independence and whatever, not burdening anybody else with his problems (honestly not to go chabashira on main but wtf men ask for help c’mon i promise if you find a person who’s worth being in ur life they won’t treat you like shit for feeling ur feelings) or just because he’s not around a lot. i think amami is the type of person to invalidate his own problems a lot, or at least downplay them to others. he blames himself for all his sisters going missing, took the responsibility to find them all. you know the blow that’s going to be to his education? traveling around the world looking for twelve different people? and he plans to keep doing that!!! forever!!! ugh ;-; poor babey. but anyway i feel like he doesn’t want to tell anybody about his problems because he feels like it’s his thing to deal with.

i also believe that rantaro is a bit prideful. i mean, anyone can be prideful under the correct circumstances, and in fact there is a great deal of pride that simply isn’t addressed by the fandom in analysing characters and that makes me really sad because pride is such a SEXY character flaw but i’ll leave that alone for now. he hates being told to give up on what he’s doing. i mean everyone in his life has been telling him to stop looking for his sisters. that’s got to suck, but also, DAMN look at what his reaction was. this utter refusal to open up to anybody. shuichi’s ftes with him are spent pretty much just trying to get amami to stop squirreling around and actually TALK to him. amami asks shuichi at one point if he has any siblings and when the response is negative, amami immediately assumes that shuichi wouldn’t understand, would tell him to quit. just like everyone else.

(i mean, even with kiyo and mukuro, whose circumstances mirror his almost painfully at least in willingness to sacrifice stuff for their siblings, he doesn’t tell them what he’s doing, just that he’s doing it for his sister-- singular-- and that he would do anything for her. kiyo and mukuro!! out of ANYBODY, they would understand. in tdp they DO talk about it-- kiyo encourages him to keep searching-- as his friend...... fuck amaguji is such a good ship even if the implications of kiyo saying he wants to meet rantaro’s sister after he finds her bc she must be suuuuch a good person if he’s doing all this for her are uhhh not great-- and mukuro immediately understands when he says it’s to do with his younger sister. like, full stop. she just goes “okay” and goes serious. all at once. damn rantaro, mukuro, and kiyo really do be a power trio huh. i need to write more fic about them i miss them.)

this is more into baseless conjecture so take this as you will, but i also think rantaro is kind of,,, easily distracted lmao. he mentions helping out a village with a disease-- been a while since i’ve seen his ftes, sorry for any inconsistencies-- among other shit and like... bro what are you DOING. you have sisters to find. and he can’t be getting injured all the time, getting wrapped up with gang violence and all that, looking for people who were lost traveling. i mean sure, you could say they went all over the world and got wrapped up in all sorts of mess, but more likely they stayed in roughly the same area, waiting for him to come back. and also? i have a hard time believing his sisters were lost in these remote forest places people always put them. COME ON, who the fuck goes to some village for a vacation? a RICH person no less. i’m on another tangent. sorry. but yeah, i love the people who write rantaro as an absolute airhead. i headcanon that he has no way of judging the passing of time and thus is the absolute worst in the bathroom bc he sits there for twenty minutes thinking about the universe and then walks out like “:) ok ready to go” like wtf are you even doing there stupid akljdf anyway.

i think rantaro is softhearted and thoughtful. in his ftes with kaede he demonstrates an ability to look past what people show at surface level-- you can ask him about miu, kiibo, or kiyo and he’ll give u Good Fucking Insight(tm)-- and analyse their intentions more closely. and i mean this is just from a couple day’s interaction. he’s down to earth for sure, understanding when people are intimidated but also caring and observant. (his “talk about a first impression” line is so fuckaindgf.... good for his characterisation. i love romantic amamatsu but he so clearly takes an older brother role in those ftes, he’s really such a sweetheart,,,, hnadhfkj ;w;) rantaro is just. he’s patient with people. and selfless and kind. idk it’s all the good stuff. warm smiles and indulgence. all the way. probably lets kokichi steal his lunch.

THAT BEING SAID: i think rantaro also has a very serious streak. he doesn’t show it a lot but there are moments. he’s self-sacrificing-- i mean, obviously. he was the ultimate survivor, after all. some people hc that he got there by killing, or maybe everyone else in his game died but one person, but bro that doesn’t make any sense???? no. what happened was there were probably like three people left, and monokuma was like “one has to be sacrificed” and rantaro thought, welp. it’ll be me then. and i wouldn’t say the choice would be immediate because rantaro DOES has self preservation instincts-- he’s only human-- but i don’t think he’d have let anybody else make that decision. i think ultimately he would try to protect other people.

he can be scarily confrontational too. i do believe he’d usually only do it in the defense of others-- like, his base instinct is to protect. i read a fic once (oumami, unfortunately) where ouma was committing crimes and went to hide behind rantaro and rantaro instinctively moved to protect him, and that’s.... that’s good characterisation. point one to the oumami stans, point zero to me. motherfucker. (love u oumami stans, it’s just not my thing.) i really like it in fics when he’s stern, lecturing people for hurting other people, but i also think rantaro is too understanding to be truly unforgiving. like if two people got into an argument and one came out of it more hurt than the other, i don’t believe that amami would be unsympathetic to the less hurt one. i think he’s mature enough to take a look at the situation and go, well, okay.

i think he’d be TERRIFYING when angry. he’s patient, y’know? so it takes a lot to get him to that point. he’s really, ah, accommodating of people. puts up with a lot of bs kind of thing. but i imagine the best way to get him to snap is by hurting someone he cares about. and at that point: ur fucked. i’ve never written it before because i’m terrified of what i’d do with that kind of power but.... imagine the shuichi whump. holy god.

i’m NOT here to talk about shuichi whump (though i’m down to do that any time of day believe me) so i’m gonna like. shhhhiiiiiiffft.

i project on characters a lot so at this point it’s difficult to distinguish if some of my characterisation things are like, actually characterisation things? or just me venting, so like, take nothing i say as canon, but also,,, akdsjf we love a man who bottles up his emotions.

because rantaro just doesn’t have the TIME to be crying all over the place. he was probably a total wreck when he lost his first sister. and his second. and maybe even his third. but then he started to gather his composure, more and more. because if there’s anything that rantaro has in excess, it’s composure. the more losses he suffers the more of a shield he builds up. and the self hatred and the guilt and the blame and the responsibility are piling up and up and up, but god he hates it when other people see him sad, because he needs to be the strong one, he can’t just pile that up on other people. that’s not their weight to carry, and besides, he’s the older brother, he should be able to deal with his own problems. he’d just be burdening the people he cares about by letting them see his demons.

and then he doesn’t have any coping mechanisms because he never lets himself feel enough to cope, and when people get close enough to actually CARE about him, when people notice he’s upset or struggling and offer him help, he doesn’t know how to deal with it-- and god he hates lashing out at people but it’s so much easier to deal with the consequences of being mean than the consequences of breaking down. only conflict is scary when he’s one of the causes so he needs time to recover, and well, what better way to do that than to get on a plane or a boat and go look for his sisters? after all he’s wasting time whenever he’s just sitting around, they’re still out there and he needs to find them, so might as well just keep pushing himself to the limits, because it’s his fault they’re lost anyway...

something mukuro said to rantaro in the talent development plan stuck in my brain. like, initially it’s just a funny and cute interaction (rantaro even blushes and a blushing rantaro is a GOOD FUCKING RANTARO) but when i thought about it more i was like.... huh. hm. angst ideas. mukuro makes a joke about rantaro going over to her stand at the festival to flirt with her-- i think that’s the context, i know it’s play-boy related-- and rantaro assures her (as he always does) that he’s not that kind of guy, and mukuro agrees, saying she was just pulling his leg and that he seems like the kind of person who gets dumped because he doesn’t show his emotions enough. rantaro laughs, blushes, and says “haha, not touching that one,” and akdjfnnnnnn god mukuro you’re so blunt i love you fkdjf but wow. i usually have rantaro as not having dated anyone, just because i feel like he kind of hyperfocuses on finding his sisters? and given that he’s like sixteen (seventeen at the MOST) there’s not much of a timeline for when his sisters got lost. in my fic search i had to cram all the losses into a four-year period and damn that was rough. anyway i just don’t think he’d really prioritise romance. but that reaction implies that that’s EXACTLY his experience with romance, which makes a bit of sense because mukuro is ridiculously sharp, and also it’s,, it’s just sad idk poor rantaro. getting dumped because he’s like the emotional equivalent of a doorknob when it comes to his own feelings.

i do think rantaro is a bit cowardly. not in the sense that he’d shy away from danger-- i think he’d RUSH INTO IT HEAD FIRST because he’s a man or whatever, i know he respects women but he does seem to hold some of those very stereotypically masculine ideals of constantly protecting those around him, which is like.... ok toxic masculinity mcgee can u and kaito stop throwing hands every time u see each other ty-- but more in the sense that he avoids,,, confrontation. emotional confrontation just ain’t his thing. and i think he’d rather run away from it or otherwise find some way of ignoring it than try to address his problems.

he would, with that in mind, probably try to associate with people who don’t push the matter. kiyo and mukuro, for example. they both have a fair amount of baggage themselves so they’d probably be respectful. ryoma is lowkey enough that he just, he wouldn’t bring that shit up, that’s uncool. i also think rantaro would get along REALLY WELL with kaito, and i actually don’t think kaito would pull his sidekick stuff with him? just because in a way they’re kind of kindred spirits, and i think kaito would see an ally in rantaro before seeing someone to try to nurture, so they’d probably have some kind of a truce like, if you don’t force me to be vulnerable, i won’t force you. one of the reasons why i love amamota so much is because it involves the two of them growing to care about each other beyond that sort of unhealthy camaraderie and breaking down each other’s barriers and i just..... hhnnfhhdkfj they could be so good for each other but nobody wants to talk about thatjslfkj

you weren’t asking for my amamota mess lmao sorry anon i get sidetracked SO easily. but yeah, amami gravitates towards people who wouldn’t try to get him to be more honest with himself. and i honestly think the v3 cast would be pretty good about that overall, except for shuichi who is a detective and has a habit of sticking his nose in places it shouldn’t be, but i see no reason to write that out because amami’s ftes already display that beautifully. (well, that’s a lie, i’m absolutely plotting out a slowburn in my head already that involves shuichi stripping down his walls one by one, but forget about all of that rn we don’t need to talk about why amasaimota is my ot3.) also he is softer on childish people like ouma and himiko. ain’t nobody wants to TALK TO ME about how brilliant it would be if rantaro and hiyoko were friends because hiyoko has such problems in that department and he would take one look at her and go hm. i’m adopting her. and he’s so fucking patient and nice and she’d lose the will to make fun of him and i have to do ALL THE GODDAMN WORK AROUND HERE but it’s fine. at least i get to write it.

i’ve described the fundamentals of his characterisation pretty well by now i think. i have some throwaway headcanons, like uhh,,

he’s claustrophobic

plays the guitar and the ukulele

he prefers warm weather and perishes in the cold

high pain tolerance

he’s a Good Cook

doesn’t like sex jokes (they make him uncomfortable)

asexual (i do like a good demisexual hc at all times of day tho)

master of piggyback rides

does his own piercings

impulsive as hell

gets lost easily but can always find his way back

has a lot of scars from travels

hands are rough and calloused (again from travels)

morning person

smells like evergreen (you know i had to, you know i did)

Radiates Heat Like A Fucking Toaster Oven

good hugs

hates tying his shoelaces

likes being the big spoon :)

has a tongue piercing

i said “some throwaway headcanons” but i ended up listing way more than i mean to. i’ll make a separate list of my rantaro headcanons someday and talk about them all in detail but for now, uh, there’s that.

SO AS FOR THE RANTARO CHARACTERISATIONS I ABSOLUTELY DESPISE:

god where to fucking begin. actually i know exactly where to begin. it’s my least favourite one just because, like i said at the very beginning, rantaro is a subversive character. i mean i think he’s kind of a low hanging fruit when it comes to that. there are plenty of other subversive characters in the dr series but rantaro is like that. you expect a flirt and u get,,, a sweetheart. but then some people (usually the ones who ship him with female characters exclusively though i will see it on occasion in an amasai or oumami fic) decide to throw that out the window and make him a total playboy!! and listen, i have no problem with people who are a little flirty. we’re kids!! flirt ur heart out!!! and hey, that’s not what this is about but y’know what? so long as everything is safe, sane, and consensual, then yeah!! exercise your sexual freedom and sleep with whoever you want to!!! i don’t think there’s anything wrong with messing around a little, dating who u wanna and experimenting with ur tastes and preferences. if rantaro WAS a playboy, then there would be nothing wrong with that. i would love him just the same because he’s such a fundamentally GOOD character.

except that.... he’s.......... NOT. you slaughter one of the biggest aspects of his character by throwing away what matters to him and making him some hunky-deep-voice-dreamboat dude meant to sweep kaede/tsumugi/whomsteverthefuck off her feet. rantaro is one of those characters where he’s so blatantly not that kind of person, and it’s like. it’s an affront, almost, to portray him that way? and i do believe you should have the freedom to write what you want, since we’re in that age (aside from romanticised pedophilia and incest; that shit ain’t cute, i say this often but pro-ship DNI) where u should be able to take some liberties, but it’s just. hnnn. it’s so frustrating. rantaro does not know how to smolder! if he DID smolder, he wouldn’t even realise he was doing it. he doesn’t have people lying at his feet, okay? he’s too flaky for that. i wouldn’t say he’s unreliable but he definitely ain’t at school as much as he should be.

another one that i hate: st-stalker? what the fuck? that is not sexy that is creepy and weird?

another another one that i hate: yandere? what the FUCK??? that is not sexy that is glorified ABUSE???? the yandere trope is AWFUL bc you’re taking a controlling relationship and turning it into a fetish. NO. if he limits ur contact with other people, if he follows u everywhere, if he threatens ur loved ones, if he tries to control you, ladies and gents and nonbinaries, he’s not a yandere, he’s an abuser and you need a fucking restraining order. actually, people of ANY gender or sex can perpetuate this behaviour and IT IS NOT CUTE. I DO NOT GIVE A FUCK WHAT BOUNDARIES U SET IN PLACE, IF YOUR FREEDOM IS BEING RESTRICTED THAT IS ABUSE.

hate it when people make rantaro violent. hate it when people make rantaro a murderer. hate it when people make rantaro controlling. hate it when people make rantaro overtly sexual. some kind of sultry deep voice dominant kind of figure. dude, what the fuck? i don’t,, want to make any public comments about sex positions because i think that’s kind of Strange to just talk about on a post, but i do think that the way people portray him for their smuts is,,, idk it’s weird. i’m not gonna kinkshame u but like. :eyes:

i will however accept rantaro as a thrillseeker, or a highstrung rich boy, or a total space cadet, or a himbo, or a cryptid. these are all very good interpretations of the Mans. just, like. be wary of making him two dimensional. a good character is multifaceted. if you can take a trait that clashes with all of these and SELL ME ON IT, i will buy it. if u give me good justifications, or even just good writing?? then i will accept it.

the long and the short of it is, anon, he’s my favourite so i think about him a lot. i love writing rantaro. he’s just, he’s a Guy. y’know? He’s A Good Dude, If You’ll Give Him A Shot. :) we don’t get to see very much of him but i think that there’s plenty of material if you overanalyse everything, which, as you probably all know by now,,,, i absolutely do.

thank you for the ask, this was a delight to spend an hour talking about.

[zahirali178]

The Difference Between Therapy Dogs And Companion Dogs

The Difference Between Therapy Dogs And Companion Dogs

As a rule, both treatment canines and buddy canines are your dearest companion and furthermore your steady mate. They get this order from having the option to help the proprietor with a large number issues. Treatment Dogs and Companion Dogs can likewise be delegated having practically similar capacities as a Service Animals however essentially are NOT creature help canines that assist people with actual incapacities.

In any case, what precisely is the distinction between Companion Dogs and Therapy Dogs?

OK, let me start by characterizing what a treatment canine is. Generally, they are found in retirement homes, nursing homes, clinics, and schools. They associate individuals with troubles in learning, and help to quiet distressing circumstances that can be regularly found in catastrophe regions brought about by characteristic dangers, for example, twisters, tropical storms, tidal waves, floods, quakes, mechanical risks including atomic and radiation mishaps, or sociological perils like uproars, psychological oppression or war. To put it plainly, Therapy Dogs are explicitly prepared to give fondness and solace to individuals who needs it as I referenced while back. They are notable for their demeanor. They show restraint, amicable, certain, delicate and simple in whatever circumstances... Your canine necessities to have these attributes to be named qualified Therapy Dogs. For what reason is that so? This is on the grounds that they are relied upon to appreciate human contact, can be petted and taken care of by individuals cautiously and even awkwardly. They come altogether breeds and sizes. It is a Therapy Dog's responsibility to have others even the new one to have contact with them and these individuals ought to appreciate that association. However, why? OK, as we as a whole know, kids consistently love embracing creatures, while grown-ups love petting the them. In certain circumstances, the Therapy Dogs may should be lifted onto, climb onto, set onto person's lap, rest on a grown-up's or child's bed, and either sit or lie easily there. Treatment canines should be agreeable on this circumstances and should adapt contingent upon an individual's should have the option to offer passionate help to the two grown-ups and youngsters. They are relied upon to be stroked, held, and here and there watched.

 Individuals frequently got befuddled between treatment canines versus administration canines. I needed to clear it up. Treatment Dogs are not help or help canines. Administration canines straightforwardly help people, it is legitimate for these canines to go with their proprietors in practically all regions and truth be told, in the United States alone, Service Dogs are ensured under the Americans with Disabilities Act of 1990 which is a wide-running social equality law that precludes, in specific situations, separation dependent on handicap. Treatment Dogs then again are not referenced on this law essentially on the grounds that they didn't give direct help to individuals with incapacities so this is the reason a few establishments gives restrict and forbid access for Therapy Dogs yet, as a rule, they permitted it, nonetheless, foundations may force prerequisites for Therapy Dog. There are associations that give testing and a few accreditations to Therapy Animal to guarantee the organizations that they were tried in certify way. Foundation authorize canines who are discovered to be positive on individuals, have great habits in open areas, healthy with state-of-the-art shots, and ought to be consistently loyal to proprietor's order. Most significant is that they ought not be forceful.

 How are Dogs ensured? There are in reality a great deal of foundations that give authorize canine confirmation locally, globally and surprisingly online for proprietor' s advantageous.

 Dog, During the preparation, Therapy Dogs are tried by Therapy guaranteed gatherings. It is performed by authorize evaluators who have master insight in pet treatment who ordinarily assesses creatures in arrangement of 14 - 22 test. This will decide the creature's demeanor in broad daylight like how they act towards clinical supplies like individuals with sticks and wheelchairs, strolling through the group, welcoming an outsider, and so forth The conduct of the canine during the testing is additionally assessed for this situation. A critical component of testing is to get rid of canines that are unfortunate or forceful, the two of which can mean a gnawing canine. As of now, In the United States, a few associations necessitate that a canine pass what might be compared to the American Kennel Club's Canine Good Citizen test and afterward add further prerequisites explicit to the conditions in which the creature will be working.

 Picking the best treatment canine is to some degree troublesome. I'm regularly posed that inquiry... Nonetheless, my suggestion will be for you to get a grown-up canine if at any point you need one. Why? Since I discover it truly difficult to discern whether a little dog will grow up to be a Therapy Dog by any means. I'm composing this dependent on experience. I had a doggy who I anticipated to grow up as a treatment creature yet grew up to just like me alone and no one else which is certifiably not a decent quality for a treatment canine. Thus, my recommendation is to truly search for an adult canine or a more seasoned little dog. Where to get Therapy Dogs is something more to consider. Safe houses and most salvage bunches are incredible spots to search for Therapy Dogs yet you must be truly cautious, it is significant for proprietor to take as much time as necessary choosing the canine that fits them. I recommend that you conversed with staff individuals and volunteers about the models that you truly need, your expectations and your fantasies. Typically the best Therapy Dogs are the resigned show canine. Why? Since the way that they can make an incredible show demonstrates their relationship building abilities and can prompt be a future Therapy Animals. Now and then you simply need to take as much time as necessary and trust that the best canine will discover you.

 What canines are qualified to be Therapy Dogs? All things considered, unadulterated variety and blended varieties are all fine as long as they are in any event one year old, female or male, fixed or not. Along these lines, it isn't so hard to pass this qualification. However long they breeze through the assessment, they would all be able to be Therapy Dogs. On the off chance that you have your own canine who you believe is qualified, you can generally feel free to have them assessed then have them prepared.

 So I trust, we're good to go with Therapy Dogs. However, what might be said about a Companion Dog? It brings a ton of disarray. To make it straightforward, these are the canines that don't work. They give friendship to their proprietors just as being a pet. Most regular Companion Animals are toy canine varieties which alludes to an exceptionally little canine like spaniels, pinschers and terriers. Why? This is on the grounds that their looks and characteristics fits to be utilized uniquely for the delight of their organization, yet unquestionably not as laborers. Each canine variety was made for an explanation and Companion Dogs are not an exemption. They can't be segregated on the grounds that on the more splendid side, their work is the main work a creature can do - to stay with individuals. Any canine can really be a partner canine.

 A Companion Dog is put with people who will really profit by physical and passionate treatment of having very much prepared pet. Partner Dogs help individuals (particularly older folks) to live more, better, more joyful, and a more satisfied life. The most well-known distinction between a Companion Dog and a treatment Dog is that while Therapy Dogs are relied upon to go out with their proprietors and be amicable out in the open. Partner Dogs then again are just prepared to help their proprietors in the home climate. So, Companion Dogs more often than not will be not prepared for local area access, not expected to help proprietor in broad daylight setting, and not prepared to go on open vehicles also.

 Assuming Companion Dogs is certifiably not a working creature, for what reason do we need to enroll and ensured them? Fundamentally, confirmation is a legitimate affirmation that your canine can comprehend and submit to essential orders. Accreditation exist for both assistance canines and partner canines yet the capability of each isn't the equivalent yet more often than not, affirmed buddy canines are likewise qualified as confirmed help canines sometimes. This is on the grounds that a few proprietors prepared their pets to make it a Skilled Companion Dog - these canines are relied upon to perform explicit undertaking at home. Gifted Companion Dogs can really do numerous the errands of what administration canines can do. Additionally, not all canines are removed to truly be an assistance canine, truly, a couple can make it to be on a level of a help canine. Not all canines are agreeable in circumstances openly and this trademark ought to be the main character a help canine ought to have - being agreeable altogether events, taking all things together circumstances they may experience. Notwithstanding, these canines can likewise play out their errand well and this can make them as gifted buddy canines all things being equal.

 Preparing Companion Dogs isn't just about as troublesome as preparing working canines, indeed, preparing just comprise of 5 essential orders - sit, come, stay, heel, and rests. Preparing is typically done one on one with the canine alongside their proprietors while some actually favored the "class" design. While all canines can gain proficiency with these essential orders, it's as yet simpler to prepare little dogs. Toward the finish of the preparation, both the proprietor and the pet ought to comprehend these fundamental orders.

 However, for what reason do we have to prepare Companion Dogs? Commonly, our canines are load creatures with all around characterized social orders. A canine in your home will consistently look to you and in any event, for whole family for direction. We are their chiefs. That authority can be set up in an agreeable and very much characterized way. Proprietors are pioneers who simultaneously are required to instruct canines suitable conduct. Like individuals, Companion Dogs vary from each other, some are timid, some are not kidding, some are laid back, while others are hyperactive and these makes preparing gainful for the whole family.

 To make it explicit, preparing Companion Dogs revises practices like hopping on individuals, burrowing, unseemly yelping and biting and simultaneously upgrading the canine's psychological and proactive tasks. It develops the connection between the canine and the proprietor, giving a more elevated level of fulfillment and delight that we get from the canine's friendship. Preparing additionally en

[sunnynoki]

Goodbye to Halos - How Fenic (The Main Protagonist) is Fenic (The Lost Princess)

Ok y’all buckle up because it’s about to be a wild ride.

FIRST OFF: READ GOODBYE TO HALOS. It has incredibly good writing and art and characterization!!! Fenic, the main protag, is a trans lesbian!! The other protags include (but are not limited to) a genderqueer gay lion and a poly wlw! I’ll post a link in the notes so this post shows up in tags, but a search of “Goodbye to Halos” will get you there in the first link!

Also cred to @demi-virgo​ for encouraging me to make this ;w;

Ok so I don’t know how to format this so let’s just start from the first hint and go from there.

And one more important note: Current Fenic will be referred to as just Fenic, and her mom will be referred to as The Lost Princess.

HINT ONE: THE MAAVE

So maave’s are, as a refresher, the mark under a Shade’s eye. They are a unifying trait of the shades (Along with horns and magic, but less so as they aren’t retained in children of Shades and Wildren, but I digress). But there are also "no two alike in form and color”, as Enae put it.

Which is WEIRD because 

Yeah. Impossible. UNLESS... THE LOST PRINCESS AND FENIC ARE THE SAME PERSON! And not in an amnesia kinda way, but in a restarting life kinda way. But we’ll get to that. 

Addendum: 

The wording of “you are very, very closely related to The Lost Princess” is weird when Enae already knows that Fenic is the lost princess’s daughter. Also the rest of this page speaks for itself I think. “Lost princess was immortal”, “There’s no other Fenics” (especially Fenics with that maave and other traits like red hair). This establishes that Fenic and the Lost Princess look similar, if not alike/identical. This will be essential in hint three.

Continued under the cut because I got a loooooottttt more ;3

HINT TWO: GOD’S BLESSING

So as the fight continues, God Herself literally steps in. Well, an avatar of Her’s, later named a Godeye.

God intercepted the knife from hitting Fenic. I won’t post the entire scene here, but basically God shoots the knife at Enae, wounding her BAD. But as God goes to send another attack, Fenic comes in and stands between the two. And then She freaks out????

Now maybe God isn’t a god, but God is just Her name? Also interesting is how She is the only one to use lower case, and only when She says “I”. But that’s another post, as I digress...

God Herself is asking forgiveness from Fenic? After Fenic asked (with her actions” for God not to attack Enae? Enae later talks about this in the following chapter:

“And that girl... blessed by God, she’s the only other one who can sway Her heart. Fenic...”

And who else was blessed by God? The Lost Princess. Before this, Fenic has had no reason to be blessed by god besides being related to the (immortal, may i remind you) lost princess who "died” before Fenic can remember. 

(Also another digression... the only other one? Who is the one Fenic is the “other one” off of? Maybe The Dead Princess? Maybe the old empress? Both are dead, but it’s phrased that she’s one of two, and coming off this theory, perhaps she and The Dead Princess pair up to be the two that can sway God’s heart.)

HINT THREE: ASHER AND TAHMONAI

So their meeting has a ton of different sentences that lead towards this theory, so I’m just going to group them all here. (Note: Enae is narrating and Asher and Tahmonai are talking about The Lost Princess. Tahmonai morphed to The Lost Princess to ask if Asher has seen her.)

“The person you’re looking for... she doesn’t exist anymore” and “That, too was-- somehow -- not true” and “[The Lost Princess] is really immortal too”... these statements don’t have a lot of intersections in the venn diagram of where they can all be true. The only fact that I can think of that does make them true is that Fenic is the rebirth of The Lost Princess. Continuing onto the next page...

There’s a lot to break down here:

“She... was a dear friend of mine.” Meaning The Lost Princess was a friend, not a romantic interest with whom he would have a child with.

“Someone I was lucky enough to know all my life, even if she only knew me for a fraction of her’s.” Implying that The Lost Princess was MUCH older than Asher. Immortality, anyone?

“But there are... circumstances now. Nothing will come of this, Tahmonai.” If this theory is true, then those circumstances are that The Lost Princess doesn’t have her memories, she restarted her life. She isn’t the same person. It clicks.

“Stay in my office. I’ll make arrangements.” Implying he is going to see The Lost Princess to arrange a sort of meeting. But instead he goes to Fenic to send her through the portal. Funny writing there, don’t you think?

After Asher sends Fenic through the portal...

“Did I do the right thing, old friend...?” The name “old friend” is being used here to denote he’s talking about The Lost Princess. Perhaps where she/her reborn self just went through the portal?

“I have to believe this is what you wanted.” (The word “wanted” can be seen if you zoom in close, at least at full resolution). Keyword: “this”. Not “that”. “This” means something that is near, something that was just there. Why would he use “this” for something from someone who is dead? No, what if she, or a version of herself, was just there? And what exactly she, The Lost Princess, wanted? We’ll get to that in hint five.

TO THE NEXT PAGE!

PROBABLY THE HEAVIEST PAGE OF THEM ALL

“I already told you the person you’re looking for doesn’t exist anymore.” Not died, “doesn’t exist anymore.” Specific choice of words!

“Not in a way that’s useful to you.” As in she no longer has her memories, perhaps? That she’s currently a 15 year old? 

“And before she left, she told me...” Before she LEFT. Not died! LEFT!

“That she didn’t want her past to haunt her anymore.” THIS WILL BE IMPORTANT IN HINT FIVE.

“She started over.” BAM. PROBABLY THE CORNERSTONE OF THIS THEORY. Combine these three words with the rest of the theory, and you get the conclusion that “starting over” means something along the lines of reincarnation. But I’ll get to the reincarnation bit later. 

SO THATS ALL UP TO WHERE THE COMIC IS RIGHT NOW! BUT WHAT HAPPENS WHEN WE REREAD?

HINT FOUR: FENIC AS A NAME

Now this one is a little shorter but in the prologue we see Fenic name herself for the first time.

After being called a lady, she sorta panics as, like, what’s she gonna do, give her a boy’s name when she’s a girl and just been called that? And her first instinct is to go with her mother’s name. Like, sure, maybe it’s because she think’s “girl’s name go” and the girl/woman/female closest to her is her mom. But I like to think it’s an instinct to keep the same name. It could be read either way, but I feel like it was worth mentioning. 

ALONG WITH A BONUS THEORY. The Lost Princess is trans. I’ve been thinking about how The Lost Princess would restart, and seeing how the maave is the same, the body is likely the same as well, implying a restart like that of a phoenix. Sorta. Meaning that the AGAB is the same. Maybe Asher didn’t know if restarting life would retain trans-ness or w/e OR he didn’t know The Lost Princess was trans. Either way he went with AGAB, clearly. I like to think that The Lost Princess spent a lot of time thinking about her name so it’s really ingrained in her so that it’s an instinct to be called Fenic :]

HINT FIVE: WHY?

So. That mystery chapter huh? Here’s a proposal- who we see is The Lost Princess.

Think about it, the person we see doesn’t have horns or some sort of tail or animal ears, eliminating someone who is purely Shade or Wildren. This leaves Fenic, The Dead Princess, or The Lost Princess, all born of both species. The hair doesn’t match The Dead Princess’s hair, so that eliminates her. 

This leaves the Fenics, whose hair DO match, assuming The Lost Princess and Fenic have the same hair texture, which in the frame of what has been discussed, it does. 

NOW THIS PAGE

Feels like a reason to be reborn to me.

Granted, this chapter, LITERALLY TITLED “premonition” and the names at the beginning could EASILY be shortened for Clairissa and Enae, who would’ve been only babies or unborn when The Lost Princess was around. This is VERY likely in the future, with Fenic. But I only realized this after I started referring to it earlier in the post, so no going back. 

But maybe it’s salvageable. Maybe Fenic is having the same thoughts as The Lost Princess. The Lost Princess, as stated in hint three, didn’t want the past to haunt her anymore. So she chose to forget in a new life, reborn. 

Maybe Fenic is thinking about following in her mother’s footsteps.

This premonition chapter, along with the whole other conspiracy board of “What’s up with Salin (The Dead Princess) and Tahmonai?”, have me very concerned for the future. 

Afterword

Thank you so much for getting this far ;w; I hope and pray that I made literally any sense. As I was collecting pages to put in here, I noticed that this is quite a common theory if the comment section of the pages is anything to go by. I thought so too before all this, so I didn’t really want to put the effort into a post, but Virgo encouraged me to make it anyway sooooo 

Either way, this can still work as a collection of evidence, and an archive on our, or at least my, thoughts on “What’s up with the Fenics” question! Hopefully later down the line we can look at this and be like, “called it!” or, “honey, you’ve got a big storm coming.” 

I could go on about the implications of this theory, but that’s another post of this length tbhhhhhhhhh and also its uh. 12am LOL.

Please reblog this to spread the theory! Even if it’s common, spread it to convince people to read gth? :pleading: I spent like. 2-3 hours on this to try to get my wording right and cohesive, which is really hard for me as I’m very much more an artist than a writer haaaaaaaaa

Thank you so much for reading again! Good morning, good afternoon, good night <3

[dogcopter]

[novantinuum tumblr com post 611767607081713664/][novantinuum tumblr com post 611764379084636160/]

first link has: “she was on the road to redemption in my mind. I believe redemption is a journey with no endpoint. There’s no day where you wake up and are 100% redeemed. It’s something you work at every day, trying your hardest to be the best possible version of yourself you can be at every moment you exist. She cannot continue that journey now, because of her choice to make Steven- and in many ways, that’s pretty tragic.”

second link is that fanart w has a tag: “ i don't believe rose as a character is incapable of redemption theoretically but as she is DEAD- yeah she's unable to be redeemed. unable to continue that redemption i mean”

Ok this will be MUCH MUCH longer than you likely want but let’s take a minute to talk about this. Because this aspect of Rose meta is a huge part of the conclusion of Steven Universe, and the other half of Steven’s story I’m most excited for.

Responding to this question of Rose being unable to change is implicit to the Rose is Lion theory and it’s really at the heart of the story. I genuinely don’t read a better or more consistent explanation for the pieces right now, so I operate under the assumption Rose is Lion and we are headed for the legendary impossible Rose redemption arc - the conversation changes if she’s really gone, so we’ll get there if that’s the case, but I also think that tragedy was honored quite beautifully in Steven Universe. I think the note Future will end on is instead, it’s never too late to change (Rose), it’s ok to not be sure what’s next (Steven), but you will be ok if you have love in your life and work towards the future. Unfridging the absent mom character is a big cartoon trope flip too.

I agree with the OP regarding SU’s idea of redemption. An SU “redemption arc” means the character reaching some kind of catalyst to choosing a change. They change some behavior that has caused them and/or others pain. They want to more fully express themselves and to be connected to those around them, and through some process or journey have understood no one is all-bad or all-good, but each action is a choice and each of us has impact on others. 

This is what my url and the “Rosedemption” 2020 tag refers to as I anticipate it - not “redemption” in the sense that she’s bad and becomes good or that her mistakes are overwritten or we get a perfect everything’s OK happy ending. SU does hope and does cartoon anime fanservice and the power of love, but it doesn’t do that. Agree or disagree with whichever individual story choices and character decisions you feel a way about, but I think we can all acknowledge that SU doesn’t try to simplify interpersonal relationships to black-and-white.

So rosedemption is redemption only in the sense that she is understood and chooses to take a step forward. Like how “Peridemption” describes the process of Peridot trying to learn, coming to love the Earth and embrace her personality. At the end of Steven’s story, Rose, like the others in the cast who have a place in his life, will join them in having the potential to be herself, have her innate capacity to be good recognized like everyone else, and have the chance to break a pattern of behavior she has become trapped in as well. She won’t be absolved of all her mistakes.

When pursuing the theory it was like a daisy chain of if-then. The explanation for Lion’s behavior and knowledge that makes the most sense is Lion being Rose. Fact. The next question is then: -> Is that possible given the mechanics of the universe? Yes - Steven demonstrates every power necessary, including going into other people’s bodies. Next question. -> If Rose is in fact astral projecting into Lion’s body, it’s possible she’s also responsible for the dream weirdness, is it also possible she’s in other bodies (melons)? Yes - all still in Steven’s moveset. (The thing that turned me on to the idea was that scene in Escapism, so I worked backwards a bit - but it makes sense, because we only get certain information later that illuminates pieces from earlier) -> But if Rose isn’t dead, where is the story going? 

IMO this is why people don’t entertain the idea so much, things have changed a lot, and it upends things we thought were settled. In theory terms I expect her to come forward because it’s the logical conclusion to her arc - she gets to choose to stop running and hiding, which was borne of her past, and if she’s back she can lift responsibility for her legacy from Steven’s shoulders.

It doesn’t erase what happened, though; Steven and Rose may be able to say they love each other, but maybe he’s not ready for a relationship after this void in the shape of her characterized his upbringing. Having her today doesn’t change the childhood he spent without her, and often, very lonely. Knowing she was looking over him in the way she thought would hurt him the least, doesn’t make finding out she was by his side caring for him as Lion & co. any less painful a truth to learn after childhood has already ended. Those feelings are going to come out on Steven’s end, but all they have to reach by the end of the series is a hopeful starting point that maybe someday they’ll both be in a better place. And maybe some things will never heal, you know - that’s OK - and not all of this will necessarily be explicit onscreen, we will have fanwork and meta to cover many of those infinite possibilities.

The whole first series was devoted to the CGs dealing with her death and growing after the loss of her. Does Rose coming back cheapen that? I don’t think so - what happened happened. Those things the first series went through were real. In fact, giving up her physical form and then being Lion are additional decisions made with best of intentions but enormous fallout for others, the crux of Rose’s struggle to be better when continuously she hurt people too. SU is always committed to showing how people are people and in part respond to their circumstances and the systems of society and family they were born into. As far as condemning or glorifying her actions, I don’t think SU asks either of us because of this very framing, but of course any viewer has the right to. Will I ever forgive her for what she did to Bismuth? I don’t have to - Bismuth doesn’t have to - Steven doesn’t have to. All we’ll be asked is to understand her, which is all we’ve been asked all along. Each character has this aspect to them. 

That’s not to say any story is perfect, it’s told by people as imperfect as the characters they create. And different perspectives are not only valid but expected. Some folks will always hate Rose, or Lapis, or Pearl, or the Diamonds, some will love all of the above. Sometimes your favorite character is your favorite because something they felt spoke to something you’ve felt, sometimes you hate a character because of their actions or just because you wouldn’t get along with them socially. The people who respond to things that they think SU fell short on, will make more art and cartoons that continue that conversation. Can you weigh the good influences she had on Steven’s life against the bad and come out with a mathematical judgment of binary goodness/badness, or is it more like real life where they have to accept what’s happened and move forward from there? Do you reject that and write the fic of the story you prefer? 

So to me the Rose redemption arc raises all the hard questions Steven Universe has been porting over. Who are you to others and yourself? How do you know? Where do you go after you aren’t playing a role to someone else? When do you take responsibility for your actions? What’s the point at which you’re too late? Is there? How do you face the family who harmed you, when you’re so frightened you’d rather stop existing to escape them? How do you face the people you’ve harmed, even after they understand you? When you didn’t intend to? When you did? How do you move forward when a paradigm shift upends the narrative of your life, as Steven has been forced to do wrt Rose repeatedly? Does everyone get a chance to change? And why do you do what you do? Why fear? How to face it? Can you love yourself and love others? Does love win?

That’s something I find so exciting about this possibility. It changes the entire conversation, because both those who adore Rose and those who despise her have their reasoning, but the conversation is so oriented around her inability to change like everyone else. The conversation I’m most looking forward to goes past that stopgap. When it’s not the case that she can’t change, how do we see her now? After living through the consequences of her choices and coming to understand her better alongside Steven and the family, the thought is very personal, as it will be for Steven. That’s what enchants me about the signs pointing to Rose’s return. It’s complicated and messy, but ultimately hopeful! 

If the signs were not pointing to that but something else, I’m excited for that meta too, but we’ll talk as the month unfolds and destroys us.

[ruthlessnessisyourdesire-archive]

rp guidelines.

Mun is Ash. She/Her. 21+. Ruthless Drama King keeps me prisoner. 

This blog is 21+ Nsfw/smut will not be written with those under 21 years old. I will not write with minors. 

I know there are a lot of rules here now but incidents, past stuff in rp scene kind of made it mandatory for myself to put down. Common sense lacks in some too so sorry it’s so long but ya know. Gotta do what we rpers gotta do. <3

tw: potential for triggering content & subject matter due to crime scene investigations/forensic profiling. strong language expected. he is simply a problematic aggressive character in most verses.

no godmodding. unspoken rule but please do not control my character under any circumstances. if you continue to break this rule however I may have to cancel our thread. only in extreme cases.

Don’t have personal triggers but I will not write my muse forcing themselves on any other muse.

any personal triggers you are uncomfortable with I will not write and vice versa.

multiverse/oc friendly. au friendly: discussion on AU’s are love. same char different mun friendly. duplicates are always welcome. personally I love OC’s and this boy cannot get enough interaction from them ever. just so you know. 

Do not screenshot my posts: ooc, threads etc. It is MY content. I should not have to add this but yes this has happened without my knowledge - at first. 

Unfollowing: If there is something you disagree with, do not favor about my writing, portrayal, muse(s) or views the button is always there. Please soft block to unfollow. I will do the same and quietly if it calls for it. 

PSA: Don’t call 60 Connor. He is not Connor. He is his own person. This sort of trumps the significance I have built for him as an individual entity in my characterization/ headcanons/ personal iteration in a fandom where he is overlooked. Also if you do refer to him as such verbally to his face you consent to the wrath and animosity he will bestow upon you be it verbal or potentially physical. Trust me 60 is not fond of being mistaken for his predecessor. (It’s a pet peeve and I’m sorry lol but they’re two separate people. I mean I write Connor too so bear with me.)

plots are love. let's discuss story, char relationships, just anything really. down for plotted, random prompts and memes. my dm’s are always open. if I don’t respond straight away I’m either not on at the moment or I’m just swamped in drafts. I still want you to drop in tho.

replies may take a bit. this is a hobby. if I take a while it doesn’t mean I don’t want to rp. sometimes I forget, tumblr eats my notifs or I haven’t thought up a decent reply as of yet. please be patient. I always offer the same to my rp partners. also I do get swamped in drafts and asks so this does contribute to my reply speed. TLDR: I am slow af but I want to write with you.

want to drop a thread? we all lose muse, get too busy, overwhelmed at times. it is perfectly OK. when I do thread purges I will always post an update and @ those I am keeping threads with. the number of follows I have it is just easier for me to do it this way.

shipping: will ship with chars but there are some I may turn down depending on personal preference. typically ships with another RK800/RK900 are a no. sibling, platonic, enemies is where I go. some exceptions may apply depending on verse type but his exclusive and only RK800 ship is with @rob0badge . 60 also would like platonic, friend and enemy ships to counter his romantic ships. any and all are appreciated. 

open to smut threads. 21+ very explicit at times depending on verse. 60 is ruthless. fair warning. also smut is not a requirement for romantic ships. if you’re not down for that then 60 is all about the respect of his partner’s wishes.

multiship friendly: winning rk800-60's affection is not easy in the long run. remember he is not easy to get along with. 

Shipping Additions: I WILL NOT ship cross unless it is plotted mutually between all parties. even then I will be selective about it. please respect this. multiverse is a thing and that is what my blog is. it will just be ignored. 

Content Trigger: 60 is very much ruthless despite his fall into deviancy. if you are uncomfortable with intense personalities this may not be the rp blog for you. certain themes will be highly thematic, problematic and even controversial at times. all of these will be tagged accordingly and put under read more for my followers/mutuals. he will be aggressive and hateful depending on circumstances. he is not very nice. however, the mun does not reflect this characterization and is extremely nice to followers. 60 may not share that affinity but the mun has no malicious intent. Only this ruthless boy does.

threads containing 18/21+ material always go under read more. please adhere to all warnings. some subject matter may be unsettling. remember any dark or triggering themes are NOT condoned by me irl. it just needs to be said.

Interactions: non-rp blogs, personals or those not part of current threads: DO NOT REBLOG. this is becoming a problem lately and I really don’t want to be that person but please follow this rule.If you continue to do so you will be BLOCKED. You can like my posts just fine however. In fact it’s welcome! I like to see others enjoying what I write for the ruthless king.

DBH VERSE REQUIRED: It just works better to be able to write adequately and since my muse is from this universe it’s a given. I rarely do crossovers as I feel some just do not work or fit my muse. If I do they are with main mutuals depending on fandom or personal preference.

Mutual Exclusive/RP Blogs Only: This blog is now private. If you follow me and I do the same back it means I want to interact. Otherwise assume I won’t be following back if I haven’t in a week. I have had some odd things come 60′s way and it is why this blog is locked down now.

Follows: If I follow back it means I want to interact with you. If you're a mutual and you still have not interacted with me after several weeks I WILL unfollow. This is nothing against anyone or meant to be unfair/mean spirited. The blog is an rp blog so of course I want to interact with you all. Also I do not just give free follows since this is not a personal blog. 

I would love to follow back depending but if I see no rules or somewhere that states 21 and above for the mun on your blog I won’t. I interact solely with those 21+. I myself am 28 years old. Respect this and don’t lie about your age to me. I have had people lie to me in the past and they’ve been dropped faster then you can shout “Deviant Spotted!”

I reserve the right to unfollow anyone for whatever reason including but not limited to rp politics. Ya gurl not here for rp snobbery or assumptions made. If I become uncomfortable I will soft block to unfollow quietly. I also practice block back. Meaning if I’m hardblocked (which is in anyone’s right who is uncomfortable with my content) I will hardblock back. It’s only fair and honestly it’s a lovely page taken out of one of my waifu’s books.

OOC: If you post a crap ton of ooc posts (I mean plz it’s your blog and your content is yours so go for it) I may unfollow if I cannot blacklist them properly. I mean things that aren’t rp related. This is only in extreme cases. My blog has overwhelmed me so the dash being flooded is something I want to clean up.

Replies: As I have stated in updates on this blog I am super busy and backed up. My reply speed is slower due to lots of drafts and asks. You can remind me but please don’t come at me or try to push me. Muse can be fickle. Some days I have it for a specific verse, others I have it for shorter convos or text threads. I aim to reply to everyone but keep in mind running this blog is not easy and I want it be fun for me. It’s a hobby.  When I have to worry and hide from people this is no longer that. If it continues I will drop the thread completely. Only in extreme cases. 

Pressuring: Do not come into my inbox on anon passive aggressively asking when I will reply to threads. If you honestly want to remind me like a normal person my dms are open to mutuals only. Do not guilt me into rping. If you pressure and attempt manipulating me you will be blocked. This has happened and I will not put up with it. 

Please reblog any memes/prompts from the source and not this blog. I am not an rp source or creator of these. If you continue to do this and just harvest my blog for memes without even interacting I will unfollow/block. If you reblog send me one then. If not well do not do it. non-mutuals do not reblog anything at all from this blog. Also I  have to mention some people have used me as a source WITHOUT reblogging from me. Meaning they see the meme and reblog it for themselves as a means of bypassing sending in anything. If we’re mutuals why are you doing this? It will just make me think you do not want to interact.

Asks: Do not reblog asks. Please if you wish to continue make a new post and link back to ask. It just makes my dash a little cleaner and I want to avoid extra asks in the inbox continuing it when we can turn them into convo threads. So please don’t keep sending asks to continue a plot line. Thread it.

IMPORTANT NOTE ABOUT HATE & ASSUMPTIONS: If I discover you sending hate on anon to anybody you’re gone. If you send hate to people about what they ship, especially to female muns/muses, you’re gone. I will not tolerate hate of any kind and if I see you talking negatively about any female muse I will soft block you quietly. I just do not want to interact with you. People who assume generalized posts are about them when I follow you will be softblocked as well. Honestly it’s a given that if I’m following it’s not directed at you. I will not put up with assumptions or continue to view it on my dash. Unfollow me, softblock me, etc. It’s not difficult. My comfort levels are important to me as well as yours should be.

I will not  interact with egoists. If I see anything that wigs me out I will just softblock quietly. Elitists go home. I don’t want you here. 

I will never rush or be pushy at my partners. I’m so chill about threads. please take your time. let’s never take the fun out of it. never think you’re taking too long or bothering me. DM’s are open to my mutuals only.

I do not do passwords or send messages of any kind. If I am following you rest assured that I have read your rules. I do this automatically when someone follows me and vice versa since I expect the same. If I’m liking update posts you can consider that me seeing it as well. 

unfollowing/refollowing: Don’t do it on my blog. If you follow and then unfollow but for some reason come back to follow you get blocked from my side. I don’t need the bs or the attention seeking.

Duplicates are amazing but I will be selective who I follow back and interact with. Nothing personal but I have been the victim of theft in the past. It’s an unfortunate thing but my characterization and headcanons for 60 are my own. I have been writing this boy forever even long before I made this blog. I’m highly protective of my ruthless king. He is my baby after all.

softblocks: I remove people by doing this. It could be for any reason to be honest. We never interact, you keep dropping our stuff, show no interest, I don’t see us interacting after all or any number of reasons to make my dash more comfortable. Do not ask me why I did it. That’s my comfort. No hard feelings. Just move on. I don’t have to cater to you. If you don’t like my methods use the unfollow button and leave my blog. Simple enough.

hardbocking/blacklisting: Yes I have done it. Am I going to blatantly broadcast it for all to see? Nope. I am not obligated to explain why I blocked you. Most times you have broken my rules despite me reminding to read them. Other times there are people I just do not want to see and that is my right not to see them. Same goes for you. Block me if you do not like what you see. I will not censor myself, my writing or who I interact with.

ostracizing people in the rpc: If you don’t like who I am interacting with use your blacklist function. NEVER tell me not to interact with them. If I find out you practice this exclusion tactic on others in the rpc I will purge you off my blog no questions or explanation needed. I totally get it. There are people I don’t like. No one is going to like everyone but do you see me telling others NOT to write with them? Hell no because I know for a fact they have done it to me and others love to listen without all sides to a story.

I also drop people who vague in public servers because it’s straight up childish behavior. I also will not follow or interact with anyone who guilt trips, suicide baits or lies with a pity party song and dance. When you’re found out to be lying or telling other people not to interact with somebody in this RPC I want nothing to do with you. Move on. That’s it. 

Drop a like if you made it this far. Whew! No passwords needed. Even if you don’t drop a like it won’t prevent me interacting it’s just nice to see. 

[mymelancholiesblues]

Just wondering, what your head canon for Leon's family?

Oh my god, I was planning to post this huge compilation of my RE Headcanons soon (starting with what I have for Leon) when I got your ask’s notification. Are you a mind reader? Hahaha. But really, thank you for providing me with a justification to start posting them.

I would like to please invite you to sit because I have plenty – honestly PLENTY – of things to share over this specific matter (Leon’s family). And, of course, to ask you to bear with me through them.

For anyone else whose interest might be picked over this: keep in mind that these are (obviously) my headcanons for Leon’s background and family and in no way is anyone else under the obligation to accept nor fully agree with them.

I wrote them down because I think A LOT about storytelling devices, stories structures, characterization and characters studies, world-building, fiction tropes, etc. and, since I’ve been a Resident Evil fan from age eight to this day, I also tend to spend a lot of time thinking about its characters – and the overall rest of its lore. Furthermore, as a way to help me write them in fanfictions or even in meta-analysis, I’m always thinking of what would make sense within these characters narratives and to their personalities.

Anyway. Back to Leon and his family!

There’s a very solid theory in RE Fandom that Raccoon City is set in Missouri. I really take this into account when I think about RE Characters because it helps me “placing them” before Raccoon, since not all of them were originally born/living there. Leon, for example, according to canon material, only decided to apply to be a police officer in Raccoon because “he was intrigued by the bizarre murders cases in Raccoon City” going in the news. 

Because of this, *my* Leon S. Kennedy:

– Was born in small Galena/Illinois. His parents moved to Chicago/IL when he was around 8;

– So, huge fan of the Chicago Bears (and the Chicago Bulls);

– Leon was lovingly raised by a very Catholic couple, Liliana and Isaac;

– Since Kennedy and Scott are, respectively, an Irish surname and a Scottish name and Leon is not an unusual name in Polish (check out about Polish Americans in Illinois and you’ll have a more proper comprehension of my thought process) and German cultures, I think Isaac would be a man of mixed Irish and Scottish heritage, and Liliana of Polish and German heritage;

– Although, his biological parents were actually Roberto (Italo-American punk) and Abigail, Liliana’s youngest sister;

– Robby was a drunken deadbeat, while Abbie was an airhead obsessively in love. Leon was conceived when they were both very young – his mom had sixteen and his dad eighteen;

– Liliana had three daughters (ages 10, 13 and 15) by then (1977), but she and Isaac always dreamed of having a little boy. They even tried to, but the attempts led to miscarriage after miscarriage, so when Abbie gave birth to Leon, the couple was pretty much devoted to their nephew, always visiting to see him and make sure he was properly being taken care of;

– Robby took note of all that and when Leon was only barely one year old, he packed his and Abbie’s stuff and imposed that he was leaving and that she should go with him, leaving the baby behind, telling her that surely Liliana would raise him as if he were hers;

– Indeed she did, albeit feeling distraught by her sister’s complete negligence;

– Isaac adored the boy, and Leon’s three cousins always treated him as their little brother;

– Also: Liliana decided she wanted to erase Abbie’s true connection to Leon, so she got rid of all the photographies that led to those deductions, leaving only the ones that showed baby Leon alone or the ones with the rest of his relatives, but not with his biological parents. Isaac never agreed with this, though. He believed that once Leon got older, he had the right to know his origins, believing that if their love for the boy was true he’d love them back and recognise their role in his life, so there was no need to lie. Thus, he kept a photo that featured Robby resting a hand in Abbie’s shoulder while she was breast-feeding Leon;

– Isaac was very ill when Leon was nearing his eighteenth birthday, and passed away just five months prior to Leon turning nineteen (Isaac was sixty-three years old by his time of death). Leon found that hidden photo after Isaac’s death since his dad left most of his personal belongings to Leon;

– Leon never confronted his mother on it, putting together two and two and realising his biological parents haven’t thought twice before abandoning him, so he shouldn’t bother with them either as he was raised in a genuinely loving and supportive family;

– As I said, Leon has three older sisters: Lydia (born 1962), Meryl (born 1964) and Olivia (born 1967). Two nephews from Lyds’ side, and a niece from Liv’s;

– Parents personalities: I picture Leon’s dad as a mixture of both Jonathan Kent (DC Comics) and Eddard Stark (ASoIaF). A firm, caring, kind, upfront and sincere man with high moral values, strong ethics and unwavering sense of justice, who valued honesty above all else and always believed in the best of people and in helping others, true to the “love your neighbour as yourself” commandment. Liliana was the more stern parent (especially with Lydia, always wanting and expecting her to set out a good example for her siblings), so I picture her as a fierce, proud and honest woman, passionately protective and supportive of her family, that dedicated herself entirely to whatever she put her mind into (domestic activities, city projects, EVERYTHING); 

– Lydia would be the “Patricia Arquette’s character in Boyhood (2014)” kind of woman. Kind-hearted, hardworking and amazing, but guilty as charged of the serious flaw of always being romantically involved with scumbags. A Geriatric Nurse, divorced twice, mother to Kilian and Luke – both kids from her first marriage;

– By the way, Kilian is a problem-child and Lucas is the emo kid. Leon has trouble dealing with both;

– On top of it, Leon have several difficulties dealing with Lydia. Being the most distant from him in age terms, Lydia always came off as a bit distant to and unnecessarily strict with him;

– Meryl is Leon’s lesbian best buddy. Confidant, a bit arrogant, always open to give advice, prone to bluntly point out faults in her loved ones and to get angry with Lydia. She graduated in architecture and is a state employee, working as an Urban Planner. Has cleaning OCD;

– Olivia is the sister Leon was closest to since it was with her he had the “smallest” age difference. Driven, headstrong, empathetic and an introvert, she’s actually the one who inspired him to join Law Enforcement and is now a detective in Massachusetts. Liv has a long-time relationship with Peter, whom she met during her childhood in school, and they have a daughter, Harriet (any coincidence with Olivia Dunham from Fringe (2008-2013) is on purpose since Olivia would be Leon’s perfect older sister, ok);

– Leon’s sense of humour takes much after his brother-in-law’s one, Peter, considering he spent a lot of time with him as he would be a frequent guest to their house;

– He fell in love for the first time when he was in middle school in his seventh grade with an eighth grade girl, Allison, who was an exceptionally good basketball player and would kick his ass in all the practice games;

– Allie has very evident native-American heritage, skin and eye colour, hair;

– It was Allie the long-time girlfriend who broke up with him right before Raccoon. She felt he was being distant even prior to his decision to be a cop in Raccoon City. In truth, what happened was that Leon feared his future being set stone too early in his life the way things were going. His wishes to have more agency over the shaping of his own destiny started driving him further and further away from Allie as he felt she was expecting their relationship to progress over time to the building of a family etc.;

– Meryl and Olivia both loved Allie and to this day they don’t get over the fact that Leon didn’t marry her;

– Leon unwillingly distanced himself from his sisters, though, only contacting them for birthday calls and holidays alike because of all of that government recruitment stuff and classified shit and also dealing with a heavy emotional load after surviving Raccoon;

– The only reason Hunnigan found out that Leon had living relatives was that Lydia called to give Leon the news of Liliana’s death in 2010 (by seventy-two years of age) on work-time. Leon, of course, was very shaken with the news;

– While Leon only knows what Ada herself lets him about her past, family, childhood and the circumstances that put her precisely where she is now, Ada knows everything there is to know about his past, family, childhood and the circumstances that placed him precisely where he is now because she’s very competent at her job and did her homework as a spy (this will die with her, but for countless times she fantasized about him confiding all of those mundane details of his life and backstory in her);

– I’m very convinced that in one of those nights Ada visited him for some hoochie coochie after like, six to eight months without seeing or talking to him at all, Leon had to break up the news that she came in in a bad time since he already planned for a Thanksgiving dinner with his sisters. Ada accepts the challenge because she’s been REALLY missing him (horny on main). Ah, and he’s quite upset with her because of that “six to eight months with no news at all” “little” issue. So, picture that. Please.

And that is all I have for “Leon’s family” headcanons. For now. As I warned: PLENTY. Hahahahaha, sorry! Hope this can provide some entertainment and delight to you.

[jade-ngoc-yeshim]

1. The M.O.

Why did I start this blog?  I have no plain and straightforward answer to offer; it’s a coalescence of several factors—some tangible; some I’ve yet to identify; and some rustling around in the pit of my stomach, for which I lack the words to will into coherence.  But I will try my best to explain:

2019—my 25th year of existence—I will always reflect on and refer to as “The Crumbling.”  It was the year when I lost myself to a number of competing forces: work, love, extraordinary circumstances, and the cyclical churn of life.  Those who’ve known me for a long time would characterize me as incredibly stable; risk-averse; always planning for the long-term; cripplingly self-aware; and always doggedly marching uphill towards a set of well-defined, high flying goals.  My tunnel vision was impressive.  My modus operandi clearly articulated.  My drive unflappable.

The inertia behind it all was guilt.  I had guilt about a lot of things:

Firstly, I had access to the full gamut of opportunities that were ripped away from my parents by war and displacement.  I had to make up for this as their only child.  Fuck selfish millennial self-realization.  I had to live for three.

Secondly, my birth-given liminality.  That I, as a second-generation immigrant/migrant/refugee (whatever legal or sociocultural label you deign to ascribe to my personhood), stand at the boundary between homeland and foreign land (cum new “home”), Vietnam and America, past and present.  It is difficult to occupy two spaces; oftentimes, I feel that I am in neither, and that the only comfortable place to inhabit is the hyphen that tenuously connects “Vietnamese” and “American.”  To straddle two identities is to be constantly uncomfortable.  It requires a lot of shifting, recalibration, and a lot of stumbling.  I was never Vietnamese enough, and so others shamed my parents for not doing a good job in raising me.  I was never American enough, and so I shamed myself into invisibility.

Third, being a Vietnamese woman.  The consequences of veering off-course extend far beyond you.  The stories uttered in hushed tones about one’s paternal second cousin twice removed from Cleveland or what have you:  She had such promise.  She had the potential to become an engineer or doctor—to elevate her family’s social status.  But she just had to succumb to the vices of the typical Vietnamese woman:  boys, hard substances, and the cold, hard draw of under-the-table cash from working in auntie’s nail salon.  And so my existence as a young, OK-looking, Vietnamese-American woman in a foreign land with many foreign ideas inherently made me a flight risk.  And so be it.  And so it is.

Turns out, guilt is a great motivator.  It led me to unbelievable achievements at a very tender age:   becoming valedictorian of my high school class; being the first of my family’s generation to go to college; graduating summa cum laude from an Ivy League institution; becoming a Rhodes Scholarship finalist in one of the most competitive districts in the U.S., winning a full scholarship for a master’s program in the United Kingdom; graduating with high marks from the world’s best refugee and migration studies course at the University of Oxford; landing my first real job working for USAID; and having the privilege of serving as a Program Officer for the Syria humanitarian crisis during some of the most tumultuous times in the war’s history.

But what is the point of great material achievement when it comes at the expense of other, more important aspects of your life?  

For most of my adult life thus far, I have foregone love, social engagements, precious time spent with family, and beloved hobbies in the ruthless pursuit of achievement.  I let go of art, music, good men, and good times.  I was constantly hunched over my laptop, producing—worrying my friends and family sick in my permanently crooked state.  And I kept going, motivated by a dangerous cocktail of excitement over how much I was gaining and the eternal damnation of imposter syndrome.  I thought that I can rest only when I become successful, with no clearly identifiable marker or metrics for success.

I get easily carried away, but I am not stupid.  I knew the bubble had to burst at some point.

I just didn’t know how violently it could.

///

“The Crumbling” was a sudden conflagration with a long kindling period.  The first match was struck at Oxford, when my lack of romantic savvy led to my falling in lust/infatuation with a narcissistic, well-networked man who offered me manufactured kindness during a very confusing time in my life.  To put things colloquially, I was “lost in the sauce.”  I was fixated on how much I didn’t belong at my graduate institution and felt so sorry for myself.  I craved validation and understanding; it was the soporific I needed for my weeks’ long insomnia, the Xanax for my constant worries, and the energy boost I needed to wake me from my malaise.  I was emotionally hemorrhaging.  And smelling blood, he barreled towards me.

He raped me when I was drunk in my own bedroom.  He weaponized the insecurities I shared with him against me.  He further emptied me of whom I was, spun a narrative of how I was a pitiful, love-drunk woman who deserved what he done to her; and made my home away from home a fundamentally unsafe place.  And the only coping mechanism I knew was to dive head-first into work—to fill my empty spaces through the only way I knew: producing.  

It was the wrong answer.  But I managed to see myself through to the end of my master’s with it, albeit with a few sacrifices:  Never attending my own graduation out of fear of seeing my rapist again.  A bitter distaste for life.  An inherent fear of men and relationships (and of my own shadow) that went long unresolved.  Strained communication with my parents.  And a further shattered sense of self-worth.

///

Things were fine for a year or so when I was caught up in a flurry of new beginnings: moving to a new city, starting a dream job in a dream organization, and making my first furtive steps into adulthood.  I was occupied with finding my identify as a young professional and invested my heart and soul into my new career.  And on a fateful afternoon in September 2018, I was tapped for my first humanitarian deployment to Adana, Turkey—a three-month commitment that doubled just a month into my stay.  

It was thrilling.  It was exhilarating.  It was empowering to be the face of U.S. humanitarian assistance in northern Syria at 24.  But as exciting as it was, it was also overwhelmingly terrifying to sit at the helm of a humanitarian juggernaut as the trajectory of American foreign policy changed overnight.  From December onward, Turkey was an amalgam of mild PTSD, living in hotels, unpacking and re-packing, armored vehicles, Jack Daniels, furtive puffs of Marlboro Milds, military men, street cats, insecurity, getting rowdy, hardened alternative trailer systems, over-caffeination, and exhaustion.  

I traveled to beautiful places.  I broke hearts, and I encountered love.  I was where the action was.  I was living out my wildest dreams.  I had purpose.  I felt alive, and maybe for the first time.  I sincerely believed that I would always look back at Turkey as my golden era.

/// Wheels down ADA-FRA-IAD.  Enter “The Crumbling” in full force. ///

What does it mean when the “golden era” of your life—the moment when you most felt alive—was wholly illusory?

When you look back several months later, scratch through the vermeil, and find nothing but the shaky foundations underpinning your drawn-out, whisky- and cardamom-scented daydream?  

When the person you fell in love with—the first after being raped, the one who earnestly listened to you recounting your survivor story—ended up emotionally using and abusing you, as well?

When, despite putting in blood, sweat, and tears into your work (quantified at approximately 10-12 hours a day, inclusive of weekends), your supervisor tells you to reconsider whether humanitarian work is right for you?

When deployment is no longer an option for you because of that, and you come face-to-face with the crushing reality that you never built a life in your home base.  (Rephrased:  When there is no escape from the void.)

When the wounds finally start to seal up, and then your grandfather passes away.  And suddenly you’re shoulder-to-shoulder at his altar with the extended family who narcissistically abused you during your youth? (Re: The past rears its ugly head again.)

The symptoms of all of this occurring within a 3-month timespan were:

Losing 20 pounds;

Vacillating between sleeping constantly and not at all;

Your loved ones remarking that the light in your eyes has completely vanished;

Hours and hours of self-help podcasts;

A lot of consolatory chocolate from coworkers who’ve noticed that something is terribly amiss with you;

Near-constant mental haze;

Ostinatos of teary-eyed apologies to your friends, whom you’re convinced you’ve burdened;

Manic consumerism;

Trying to harvest endorphins through prolonged cardio sessions;

Taking a lot of strange vitamins and supplements that didn’t do anything, other than make you dehydrated;

Frequent panic attacks; and

Desperate forays into various branches of spirituality (inclusive of a cheap [actually not cheap at all] psychic who tells you that you’re the victim of both black karma and an inter-generational love curse [!]…but at least she had an adorable cat.).

Tl;dr:  It’s depression.  Horrendous, soul-crushing depression, and constant anxiety over the other shoe dropping.  It’s coming to terms with the daunting reality that the only way out is to roll your sleeves up and start laying the foundations of your identity brick-by-brick.  It’s coming to grips with the fact that you have no sense of self outside of what you do.  What is the point of accumulating achievements when you never pause to appreciate them?  

What is the point of working tirelessly for others, when you make no time to sit with them and to enjoy all of the abundance together?  What is the point of life when it is all prospective?

Do you truly have a sense of self when you have relied on others to give you meaning your entire life?

///

As the thick haze of “The Crumbling” dissipated, I arrived at a bit of clarity:  That what had passed had not happened to me, but for me.  That the shaky foundations on which I rested my already fragile sense of self needed to collapse—that I needed to collapse—in order to build something that was truly steady and purposeful.  

All is not lost.  On the contrary, the ashes borne from the waves of trauma that I endured over these past several months are but the rich inputs for a more fortified way of being.  

I would be remiss to not document the process along the way.  A process I will affectionately refer to as “The Awakening.”

[aelinbitch-archive]

literal YEARS ago an anon asked me to expand on tog characters’ enneagram types and i have no idea why i’m starting with him of all people but here’s why I think chaol is a type six

(even if you don’t know what the enneagram is you can def still read and understand this if you’re interested in a shady analysis of Chaol’s character)

Ok I’ve been thinking about Chaol (cursed sentence) because I realized that I’ve been 110% sure for so long that he’s a six but that it’s also possible he’s a one. And it’s tough for me to make a final call because I could not be less willing to go back and read his chapters, which means I don’t have anything to work with except what I remember. Buuut I’m pretty sure my initial instinct is right and that he’s a six, so let’s review:

The case for Chaol as a six

Brief overview: “The committed, security-oriented type. Sixes are reliable, hard-working, responsible, and trustworthy. Excellent "troubleshooters," they foresee problems and foster cooperation, but can also become defensive, evasive, and anxious—running on stress while complaining about it. They can be cautious and indecisive, but also reactive, defiant and rebellious. They typically have problems with self-doubt and suspicion.”

Doesn’t tell us much, but could reasonably be Chaol (but so could the description for type 1). Especially, in my humble onion, the “foreseeing problems” part. Think about his treatment of Celaena/Aelin in both books 1 and 4.

Stress/Growth: In stress, 6 goes to dark 3 (competitive and arrogant). I’m not sure how well those words fit specifically in the context of Chaol, but I do feel like I see glimmers of this concept. Like... insisting to Celaena in the first few books that his view of the world is Correct and Better Than Hers. And in growth, 6 goes to 9, which basically just means they just Chill Out, so, sure.

“We have named personality type Six The Loyalist because, of all the personality types, Sixes are the most loyal to their friends and to their beliefs. They will “go down with the ship” and hang on to relationships of all kinds far longer than most other types. Sixes are also loyal to ideas, systems, and beliefs...” 

Everyone who follows this blog knows I’m not by any stretch a Cha*rian stan but... tell me this isn’t him with Dorian (and Adarlan).

The biggest reason my instinct for Chaol is type 6 is because sixes, especially counterphobic ones, are characterized so much by their over-identification/over-commitment/allegiance to structures that they perceive as providing them with security, and Chaol’s devotion to Adarlan and Dorian (and semi-understandable meltdown when those things get pulled out from under him) really aligns with this. 

“The reason Sixes are so loyal to others is that they do not want to be abandoned and left without support—their Basic Fear.“

I think the reason he was such a little bitch in QoS was because Celaena left (even though... he...... sent her away..............) AND Dorian turned into a Valg AND he lost his job/old life so it was kind of the perfect storm to trigger his fear of being abandoned and without security.

“They also tend to fear making important decisions, although at the same time, they resist having anyone else make decisions for them.”

True.

“If Sixes feel that they have sufficient back up, they can move forward with some degree of confidence. But if that crumbles, they become anxious and self-doubting, reawakening their Basic Fear. (“I’m on my own! What am I going to do now?”)” 

One of the reasons I sometimes doubt Chaol is a six is because sixes are so anxious, and when I recall him in the first few books, he generally seems pretty decisive. But I think that was because 1) he was completely secure in his position and able to be more confident because of that and 2) if he’s a 6 than he definitely has a 5 wing, which makes sixes more serious and steady. 

So then when we look at him in QoS when he lacks any kind of security, I think we definitely see more anxiety and unease.

“Until they can get in touch with their own inner guidance, Sixes are like a ping-pong ball that is constantly shuttling back and forth between whatever influence is hitting the hardest in any given moment. Because of this reactivity, no matter what we say about Sixes, the opposite is often also as true. They are both strong and weak, fearful and courageous, trusting and distrusting, defenders and provokers...”

This is really interesting and kind of shows up in Chaol’s relationships with Dorian and Celaena/Aelin and Nesryn and Yrene. Like for sure a lot of it is also just his natural character development over the story, but I think it’s kind of interesting that when he’s closest with Dorian, he’s Adarlan’s #1 cheerleader, then when he’s dating Celaena, he’s vowing to bring Endovier down with his bare hands or whatever, then when he’s on his own/with Nesryn, everyone needs to get their head out of the clouds and focus on Practical Things except for him when he wants to save Dorian, and Aelin, who once inspired him to think differently, is now unreliable and frivolous and tyrannical. 

“When they learn to face their anxieties, however, Sixes understand that although the world is always changing and is, by nature uncertain, they can be serene and courageous in any circumstance.” 

As much as I don’t care for him, I think he gets there by KoA.

“Levels of Development” is very convincing.

“Level 3: Dedicated to individuals and movements in which they deeply believe. Community builders: responsible, reliable, trustworthy. Hard-working and persevering, sacrificing for others, they create stability and security in their world, bringing a cooperative spirit. Average Levels Level 4: Start investing their time and energy into whatever they believe will be safe and stable. Organizing and structuring, they look to alliances and authorities for security and continuity. Constantly vigilant, anticipating problems. Level 5: To resist having more demands made on them, they react against others passive-aggressively. Become evasive, indecisive, cautious, procrastinating, and ambivalent. Are highly reactive, anxious, and negative, giving contradictory, "mixed signals." Internal confusion makes them react unpredictably. Level 6: To compensate for insecurities, they become sarcastic and belligerent, blaming others for their problems, taking a tough stance toward "outsiders." Highly reactive and defensive, dividing people into friends and enemies, while looking for threats to their own security. Authoritarian while fearful of authority, highly suspicious, yet, conspiratorial, and fear-instilling to silence their own fears. Unhealthy Levels Level 7: Fearing that they have ruined their security, they become panicky, volatile, and self-disparaging with acute inferiority feelings. Seeing themselves as defenseless, they seek out a stronger authority or belief to resolve all problems. Highly divisive, disparaging and berating others

Levels 3 and 4 are very book 1. And I mean, Level 6 (and even 7)? That’s QoS Chaol right there in a nutshell. That’s all of his behavior towards Aelin. And Level 5? His treatment of Nesyrn. The mixed signals, the passive-aggression, the belligerence.

Convincing quotes from the “Growth Suggestions” section: “You tend to get edgy and testy when you are upset or angry, and can even turn on others and blame them for things you have done or brought on yourself. Be aware of your pessimism: it causes you dark moods and negative thought patterns that you tend to project on reality.” and “Sixes tend to overreact when they are under stress and feeling anxious. Learn to identify what makes you overreact. Also realize that almost none of the things you have feared so much has actually come true. Even if things are as bad as you think, your fearful thoughts weaken you and your ability to change things for the better.”

Like... as of KoA.......is Aelin a dictator who burned everyone in Adarlan to a crisp with her monstrous power? Are "normal” humans enslaved by the might of magic wielders? No? Interesting.

There’s also a lot of really convincing stuff in the “Sixes in a Relationship with Eights” (Aelin is an 8 for sure) section

“Sixes tend to look up to the Eights as their hero, while Eights are touched by the Six's devotion and courage.”

“For the most part, [the Eight expecting to be in charge] is also fine with Sixes, except for those times when Sixes feel the need to push back and to prove themselves. They need to show others (including the Eight) that they cannot be pushed around or taken advantage of. Power struggles of all kinds can ensue. This is especially true of "counterphobic" Sixes who can actually react much like Eights, displaying leadership, decisiveness and independence (on the positive side) as well as bluster, aggression, and defiance.”

For me, this mostly recalls QoS, but I also think that Chaol’s decision not to tell Celaena about Nehemia being “questioned” could be an example of Chaol needing to push back and prove himself. This shit did not appear out of nowhere in book 4.

Ok and finally, quotes from the “Type 6 as Compared to Type 1″ section

“What these two types have in common is the tendency to feel guilty when they do something contrary either to their ideals (Ones) or to the commitments to allies, beliefs, and authorities they have made (Sixes)”

This is a really close call, because Chaol has screamed “HONROR LOYALTY DUTY” into the void so many times that it seems like he’s a One - loyal to ideals. But I think, based on textual evidence I am not at all willing to review, his main anxiety is about being a traitor to Dorian, to his position in Adarlan, and to his title. It’s true that he believed these things made him honorable and loyal, and betraying them caused him to lose this, but I think that’s less of a morally-driven cognitive dissonance thing and more just the way he expresses his guilt over leaving Dorian. (And his outrage over having those systems/allies/beliefs that brought him security pulled away).

“Average Sixes are anxious, indecisive, ambivalent, and, above all, reactive. They find it difficult to relate to others with self-confidence as equals, tending either to become too dutiful and dependent or to go to the opposite extreme and become rebellious and defiant. Sometimes they get stuck in the middle and become ambivalent, indecisive, and vacillating.”

Literally? Break this down chunk by chunk for Chaol and you get: Dorian (too dutiful and dependent), Aelin (rebellious and defiant), and “Celaena”/Nesryn (ambivalent, indecisive, and vacillating).

“Righteous anger, irritation, and moral indignation are the principal negative emotions in Ones, whereas fearfulness, suspicion, and anxiety are the principal negative feelings in Sixes.“

This sentence right here is what almost made me doubt myself and type him as a One instead (which for sure could still be a possibility! I could always be wrong). Because Chaol definitely has all the preachyness and moral indignation of a One. 

But! Working with the theory that he’s a Six, couldn’t his moral indignation (mostly towards Celaena/Aelin) also be the result of his job and circumstance - the systems he has attached himself to in order to remain safe? He’s... a cop, basically. So his contempt/superiority complex towards a notorious criminal makes sense. And as a loyal follower of the man he thinks is The Best Prince Ever, his condemnation of the actions of this powerful, seemingly unstable new queen makes sense. It’s not necessarily ACTUAL moral indignation, it’s just... indignation period, expressed using the kind of morally superior language one might expect from an ~honorable~, well-to-do captain of the guard.

My working theory is: it’s not that his ~unwavering principles~ lead him to be truly, genuinely in opposition to Aelin’s actions (he goes back and forth maybe 10 times over the course of the series on whether or not it’s morally acceptable that she kills people), it’s that he deals with his anxiety and fear of Aelin and what she/her power might mean for his future by holding her accountable on the value/moral system he developed while working for Dorian/Adarlan.

Like: “Sixes are uncertain, and rely on reassurance, back-up, familiar procedure, or the sanction of previously tested ideas and philosophies to help them come to decisions.”

It’s a complex issue, but I would view his whole “Honor!!!! Honor Honor Honor!!!!!!! Did I mention Honor?!?!” schtick as a “previously tested philosophy” that helps him come to a decision/judgement rather than an actual One-ish principle. 

“Both are "should" and "must" people: both feel obligated to take care of all duties before relaxing or attending to their own needs. Further down the Levels, both types exhibit a legalistic streak: Sixes at Level 6 are The Authoritarian Rebel and Ones at the same Level are The Judgmental Perfectionist.”

Ones moralize and scold, lecturing others in the name of an ideal about whatever issues are of concern to them. ("Do you have any idea how wasteful it is to use an air conditioner?") Sixes can also give orders, not because of rigid inner standards, but because they are afraid of what they see as the erratic, irresponsible conduct of others potentially disrupting the security and stability they are trying to maintain. They are angered and threatened by others "breaking the rules" and becoming more unpredictable. Sixes identify with certain beliefs or authority figures and internalize the values that they have learned from these sources of guidance. Once they have identified with what they have taken to be trustworthy sources of information about the world, Sixes can be aggressive toward anyone who does not accept the same values as they do. This is especially true when Sixes are more insecure–the more anxious they are, the more they want to cling to whatever positions or allegiances they still believe in.

This, for me, is kind of a slam-dunk in proving Chaol is a Six. If you took that paragraph and replaced “Six/es” with “Chaol” and the vague “others” with “Aelin” and told me it was an analysis of QoS specifically, I would 100% believe it. 

And also, to compare one and six again, just to be sure: does Chaol appear to moralize and scold? Absolutely. Think back to that initial confrontation with Aelin. But when he’s doing it, is he saying “it’s wrong to kill people/use your magic/do whatever because it _____” fill in the blank with an actual ideal of his? No. He doesn’t think she’s in the wrong because she’s going against his ideal of ____ (No Magic? Nope, as Aelin points out, he doesn’t have a problem with Dorian’s power. Power to the People? Nope, hasn’t always been something he worked towards. Nonviolence? Nope, he’s killed as well). He thinks she’s in the wrong because 1) she scares him, 2) she is a contributing factor to his current feelings of insecurity and inferiority, and 3) most unforgivably of all, she’s a threat to Dorian Havilliard, the thing Chaol is still clinging to the most.

Also, I didn’t bring up HoF this whole time (mostly because QoS is such a ripe book for analyzing his character so I tend to overlook the others). But that whole book for him is a prime example of that classic six anxiety that I wondered if he maybe didn’t have enough of to be a six just based on books 1 and 2. He can’t go a second in HoF without worrying about Adarlan and Dorian and the future he thought he had with Celaena and what ~Aelin Galathynius~ means to all of that. 

Also also, while considering whether Chaol might be a one, I was reading about how ones are much more restrained and less prone to outbursts and have more control and how sixes are super reactive. And I was wondering about the scene where Celaena mauls his face and tries to kill him, and thinking hmmm, why doesn’t he freak out and have the guards take her away immediately instead of waiting a few seconds and trying to deal with her on his own? Isn’t that more controlled? And it made me realize an important thing to think about when considering all of this which is that, while he’s dating her, Celaena (and the future he has with her) is one of the “things” Chaol is loyal to. He has an allegiance to her, or at least the version of her he loves/perceives/accepts. Which explains a lot about how differently he treats her before, during, and after he’s involved with her.

Also pt 3, all of this was written using quotes just from the enneagram institute website, which isn’t even that in-depth of a source. If I’d been less lazy I could have whipped out a bible-length book and found passages from there, but that wouldn’t have let me copy and paste, so lol. All I’m saying is don’t assume this website is the entirety of the enneagram, or even like the Official Website for it (it’s not, it’s just a good one). We’re not even getting into subtypes here (maybe I’ll make a follow up post, lol).

So anyway that’s what I think about Chaol! And if you’re curious, this is Aelin.

[toushindai]

p cool how Hades calls his dog by name but calls his son "boy," occasionally even in the same sentence

And by cool I mean yikes

[it's free real estate voice] ~~It's bad parenting~~

...and then I ramble for 1300 words: No I’m proud of this it’s not rambling. It is 1300 words long though.

Eventually, I assume, at some emotional moment he will call Zagreus by name, and I wonder what can be done narratively to earn that moment. It can't come cheaply. As it stands currently, it's most often Hades who starts the conversations between the two of them, and not kindly. You can't yell at your kid for being cheeky if you snark at him first, dude! He is just an unforgivably bad parent as it currently stands, and inflexibly so. I get the impression that he has absolutely no idea how to get his son under control. Not a single, solitary clue. He's tried delegating, I suppose—to Nyx and Achilles and Megaera in various capacities—but none of them managed to bring Zag into line with what Hades wants. In at least Achilles' and Nyx’s cases* they likely applied the one strategy that Hades never has, that of listening to Zag and treating him like his own person; but of course this results in Zagreus making his own decisions and his own mistakes, which I don’t believe Hades appreciates—or appreciates the importance of.

(*In my own headcanon, if not necessarily explicitly in canon, Megaera was/is better at this than Hades, but not to Achilles’ and Nyx’s level, and not, crucially, to a level that Zag could tolerate perpetually.)

Hades doesn’t know what to do in order to get himself a compliant son, and so the strategy he keeps defaulting to is berating and belittling him incessantly. Despite the clear lack of success of this strategy! All it’s doing is teaching Zagreus that he’ll never have his father’s respect, no matter what he does; that in order to be any kind of equal, he has to give as good as he gets. Zagreus has learned that he shouldn’t take anything Hades says to heart because it is cruel under any circumstances. I mean the guy can’t even properly thank Zagreus for inspiring Orpheus to sing again. He’s super bad at this!

(Honestly, between Hades’ inability to get his son under control, his difficulty in convincing Orpheus to sing again, his inability to stop Nyx and Achilles from aiding Zag... maybe he’s just not great at getting people to do what he wants? And how does that reflect on a god; and does it in some concrete way weaken his influence in his domain? Would that induce a sense of urgency on the subject of getting Zagreus under control? Regardless—)

So, is this status quo going to remain intact until and beyond the end of the game, or is something going to change? Is there going to be some kind of reconciliation between father and son, is Hades going to stop being such a dick? I mean... to me, it feels like yes, even though I don’t see at this time how it can happen and I am actively wary of it coming cheaply. I think the reason I feel this way is that it seems very clear that Hades just... isn’t expressing himself well, or honestly. His anger is bluster and the scorn he heaps on Zagreus is frustration at his own impotence. I’m not excusing it! That doesn’t at all make it excusable, but I feel like it leaves open the possibility that if Hades can change that about himself, then he and Zagreus could communicate honestly moving forward. And that does lead into one worry I have—that some part of Zag is so desirous of his father’s approval that, given the opportunity, he will forgive Hades’ mistreatment more easily than a player/observer will. (cf. the two seconds in which he does, I think, sincerely fall for Hades’ “I thought you’d finally made it out.”) It seems that Zagreus is—by nature, and in spite of Hades’ abuse—generous and open with his emotions, he is someone who inherently and intensely wants to be in a state of getting along with people. And that could present a real narrative challenge, in that Zag might accept a revised status quo in which Hades treats him with some level of grudging respect more easily than the narrative, as it currently stands, demands of Hades.

There is of course the possibility that such a reconciliation won’t be on the table at all, won’t be presented as an option. I mean, as far as Zag’s planning at this point, he’s going to make it to the surface and leave Hades (place and person) behind entirely and that’s gonna be the end of that! I am acknowledging this possibility with these words but please let me make it excruciatingly clear that I do not believe it for one single second. I extremely, extremely do not think that Zag gets to stay on the surface the first time he makes it to the surface, I mean at this point with the roadmap public and calling for a fourth biome after Elysium that’s almost obvious but I’ve been thinking this from the beginning. I think he reaches the surface but something unexpected and intensely disillusioning happens and he winds up back at home. If it then comes out that part of Hades hoped that Zagreus's bullheaded persistence would bring him a success that Hades had given up imagining—if they're able to have some kind of honest conversation in which Zag feels hopeless while Hades admits begrudgingly to hope of his own—then I think things between them might begin to be repaired. (Then Zag recovers and sets out again, to Hades' baffled exasperation, but with a broader, less self-serving sense of purpose, or something? idk, I'm trying not to commit to only one theory of what might happen but this is the primary thing I've been picturing...)

But like I said, I'm having trouble imagining a story that concludes with a decision towards intentional, permanent estrangement, and not because I think there's anything wrong with that kind of story. Is it because that would sort of be the result of the path Zagreus is currently on, which has been characterized so far as careless, poorly thought through, incomplete**? I think that's it. It's not that I feel the narrative is aiming at "Zag just needs to ~give Hades a chance~"—not at all, on the contrary I think it shows that he has tried to give Hades those chances, primarily through trying to give him ambrosia and to a lesser extent when he tries to convey Zeus's offer of forgiveness. (Regardless of whether that offer from Zeus's end is appropriate, Zagreus put himself in the middle and gave Hades the chance to respond with decency, in spite of, uh, every piece of evidence we've seen so far suggesting that it would not go well.) If there is going to be transformation in this relationship, it absolutely has to start with Hades not being a dick to him anymore. And maybe that's not something Zagreus is actively looking for or working towards at this moment, and with ample reason. But, because it's so clear that Zagreus's sense of purpose is so underthought and naive, and because he does fall into what is currently a trap*** of trying to be open with Hades on occasion, I don't think "Zag gets away forever" is where this is going. And for that to happen, for that to be satisfying, Hades has got to stop being awful to him. That he is portrayed as otherwise fair means that this path is open, I think. But it's got to start with him backing the fuck off and admitting what he's been doing wrong for as long as Zag has been alive.

(**I very very very much want to look in detail at the way this impression is constructed because it's so crucial to what's happening and yet so external to the POV character. I just really love the way Supergiant tells stories indirectly, ok, I just—it's just amazing, I want to eat this ability and absorb it for myself.)

(***The sense of dread I feel when initiating both of those conversations is... quite exquisite? I don't want to tell Zagreus to bare his throat to the wolf, I don't want to navigate him into a position where his guard is down and his father just tears into him again, but... it's so important that that is something that Zag does, and it makes my heart ache for him.)