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iamanartichoke · 4 years ago

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I wasn't sure if I was going to post this, but I may as well.

I keep starting to reply to things and then stopping bc the words just aren't there, and I suppose I figured out the core of what bothers me so much (and is making me have such a rollercoaster of a fan experience) about the show.

(cut for length)

It's not well-written. My opinion is my opinion, so I'm saying this subjectively, take it or leave it, but ... I feel that it's not well-written. The overall story is fine, and the plot is fine, but I don't know if it's because of the limited number of episodes not being enough to house the story, or because of the relative inexperience of the writer/showrunner+director, or both, or something else, but -

In an earlier reaction post to episode 4, I mentioned really wanting to sink my teeth into all of the subtext I picked up on. That was what made me initially enjoy the episode so much - there were a lot of little moments that I initially felt revealed so much about the characters and about Loki, and I wanted to analyze them. But at some point, as I gathered more information, my perspective changed and now I no longer want to analyze the subtext bc ... subtext = good. Subtext w/out payoff = not as good.

I'll go into more detail in a moment, but I think the tl;dr of it is that I feel like the narrative requires the audience to work way too hard to put together all of the moving pieces here and, like, I kinda just don't want to do that work? Not so much of it, and not in vain. A lot of the enjoyment of Loki's characterization is coming from fans who are rationalizing why he's behaving as he is, but the narrative never actually confirms those rationalizations. It's asking us to figure it out and maybe our conclusions will be correct but maybe they won't, though. At some point, subtext isn't enough without explicit follow-through.

I thought my issue was with the lack of character development - that is, not having enough narrative space to really earn the big things that are happening now, like Loki/Sylvie or Mobius turning against the TVA. And that's still true, to an extent; I still feel like the pacing is all very off and it seems like most of these things kinda came out of nowhere (but are not unbelievable - just undeveloped).

But, yknow, it is what it is, it's a limited series, and I can excuse some things. Ultimately, my issue isn't a problem with what the narrative isn't doing, it's a problem with what the narrative already failed to do and probably cannot recover from at this point.

The narrative has left out significant details that should at least help us do some of the work here. If a person turned on Loki and started episode 1 and had no background knowledge of the character besides that he tried to take over New York - how would that person interpret Loki? Would that person say, oh, well, he's been through X, Y, and Z, and plus A happened, not to mention B, C, and D, so really, it makes sense that he seems off-the-rails, or that he'd want to get ridiculously drunk at the worst time ever.

Maybe we'd like to believe they would, but how would they be getting to that conclusion? The narrative hasn't led them in that direction so, no, they would not say well we have to consider this, this, and that. It would be impossible to really understand Loki as a character from just what we've gotten in the series. The general audience would probably interpret Loki as being out of his element and so it becomes, I wonder how this character is going to get the upper hand here. And, while that's not wrong, it's just so limited.

The narrative at face value does not address Loki's identity crisis from Thor 2011. It does not address his hurt and devastation at being lied to, nor does it address how complicated his self-image is (bc it sucked to begin with and that was before he found out he was part of a race of "monsters," as he'd been taught his entire life). It does not reference Loki being so broken at the end of Thor 2011 that he deliberately let himself fall into the void of space (aka tried to kill himself). It does not reference that he was tortured by Thanos or even that he went through a seriously dark time in between Thor and Avengers, and it absolutely does not reference or address any influence or control of the mind stone.

These are all things that we, the fan audience, know because we've already invested our time into this character's story. But tons of people, the general audience, wouldn't know these things. Or if they did, bc they saw Thor and Avengers, they wouldn't be thinking about them as deeply as we would, nor contextualizing them with how Loki is behaving now, or why it would make sense that he needed to get drunk, or why it's understandable that he needs to keep going-going-going in order to not have a spare second to think or feel.

They'd probably look at Loki, again, as a character who was a villain and is now getting his comeuppance in a place where he has no power or control, and no literal powers, and even when he manages to escape and catch up to the variant, he proceeds to fuck up their plan for seemingly no real reason except that he wanted to get drunk bc he's hedonistic. Which Sylvie even berates him for! I mean. This is not exactly a complex character breakdown, nor a very flattering one, but that's what the narrative has given us.

(If the narrative has addressed Loki's mind control, his torture, his mental breakdown, his suicide attempt, and his general shitty self-esteem as a result of his upbringing, please point it out to me. If the narrative has explicitly acknowledged and referenced these things anywhere and I am missing it, please show me where. Please explain to me how the casual viewer would know any of these things that they need to know in order to actually understand what's happening in this story.)

So I mean, okay, we have a narrative that doesn't paint a full, accurate picture of Loki. Fine, sure. But because the general audience starts out on the wrong footing, they're not going to get out of the overall story what the writers probably intended them to. For example, in episode 3, a lot of us theorized that Loki had some kind of plan - that he broke the timepad on purpose, for some reason, bc otherwise it wasn't believable that he'd be such a failure. But episode 4 revealed that no, there was no bigger plan, Loki just plain old messed up. Which is fine if, again, one is only considering the surface-level portrayal here, but it's not true to Loki's actual characterization.

I mean. Loki is not perfect and Loki actually fails a lot, this is true. He fails for a lot of reasons, but incompetence has never been one of them. Usually it's that either things grew beyond his control, or there ended up being too many moving parts, or he had to change his plan at the last minute due to some roadblock or another being thrown his way, or even that he got in his own way - whatever the case may be for his plans' failures, he was always at least shown to know what he was doing.

That wasn't the case here. The "plan" to fix the Timepad failed as a direct result of Loki's actions, which were careless and made him seem incompetent, like he couldn't even handle this mission. "You had one job," etc. And there were pretty big consequences for this; they were not able to get off-world in time and would have been killed had the TVA not shown up at the last second.

And maybe none of these things matter bc the writers never intended any of this to be a reflection on Loki's character, positive or negative. The situation exists solely because the writers needed to put Loki and Sylvie together in some kind of hopeless scenario so that they could get closer, and thus the narrative could set up their romance. I get that - but, there were other ways to do it that didn't require Loki to look foolish.

Furthermore, the whole reason they needed to set up the romance is to show Loki eventually learning to love himself (like, figuratively but also literally). The audience is supposed to gather that Loki and Sylvie fell for one another, possibly due to the high emotional aspect of, yknow, being about to die (in addition to the variant-bond). The intent is clear: Loki and Sylvie almost die but get rescued at the last minute, having now created an emotional bond --> Loki and Sylvie team up and the narrative further establishes that Loki, at least, has caught feelings --> Loki might confess them but is pruned before he gets the chance --> he somehow survives, he and Sylvie are reunited and don't want to lose one another again, and the combined power of their love is enough to break the sacred timeline and spawn the multiverse, and the reason that the power of their love is so, well, powerful is because it's about self-love and self-acceptance as much as it is about having the capacity to love someone else. The end.

I get all that. The writers more or less said all that. And, I mean, it's certainly not the way I would have chosen to go about it, but it's a fair enough arc to explore. I don't really have an issue with the intent - but my question, however, is this: if the narrative has so far not addressed Loki's background issues (as outlined above), and has furthermore kinda gone out of its way to portray Loki as hedonistic and narcissistic, among other things (like kinda incompetent), and the context the audience starts with is that Loki's this villain who deserves what he gets -

- my question is 1, why should the audience care whether or not Loki gets to a point of loving and accepting himself (thus to make the theme of self-love, via the romance, hold weight) if they don't know that he hates himself to begin with and 2, why should the audience root for Loki to reach that point when so far the perception of him is that he's "kind of an asshole"? if he's a hedonistic narcissist, he probably already has a pretty inflated sense of himself, right? A misplaced inflated sense of himself, at that, because, again, the narrative has made him out to be not that capable of much of anything. (And it didn't start out that way! It seemed to start out with Loki being capable and intelligent but it's like episode 3, in trying to set up the romance, just jumbled it all up somewhere. I think this is why I'm harping on the Loki/Sylvie aspect so much - it's frustrating bc it kinda messes up the whole story and can't even accomplish what it's supposed to anyway.)

Anyway, that's beside the point. What I'm ultimately getting at is, at what point is the audience supposed to get invested in Loki's personal growth journey?

They can't, not really. Without understanding and having the context of everything Loki has been through up until now, and why he hates himself, and why it's so important that he learn to love himself, then the "payoff" becomes kinda pointless bc the significance of it is lost in translation. So suddenly we're left with this romance that comes off as either "Loki loves Sylvie bc of Reasons" (best-case scenario) or "Loki loves Sylvie bc he's vain, narcissistic, and kinda twisted" (worst-case scenario). Neither of these conclusions are what the writers intended or were going for, I'm positive, but there we are, regardless.

In order for the writers' intent in these storylines to land, they need to address the context of what makes these particular stakes high for Loki. So far, they haven't done that. They're asking the audience to pick up on all of these things, and they're showing things that subtextually make sense and are relatively in-character - but only if you realize there's subtext in the first place.

But you can't expect the audience to do all of the work for you. If you don't want the audience to think that Loki is a narcissistic asshole and instead you are trying to convey that, worst-case scenario, he thinks he's a narcissist but is an unreliable narrator, then you have to address that. If you need the audience to understand why you're going the selfcest route and why it's important to explore Loki's capacity to love himself and others, you have to address where that exploration is starting from and why it matters. Etc etc etc.

The narrative isn't doing any of that. And it isn't like it'd be that hard to do it. They don't need to reinvent the wheel here; a lot of the pieces are already there. A few lines of dialogue for context, a brief scene here or there addressing the issues, a little more care and consistency in how Loki handles things - these are all little things that could go a long fucking way in making the narrative stronger.

I'm rambling. My basic point is that my rollercoaster of emotions with this show is because

- as a part of the fan audience, not the general one, I can contextualize and analyze the subtext and come to the conclusions the show wants me to, and thus find the story and the characters more or less enjoyable,

- but I am also going to be using the subtext to come to conclusions that aren't there but probably should be (I think it would be a better story, for example, for Loki to confuse platonic love with romantic love bc it would pave the way to explore just how fucked up Loki's understanding of love - whether of other people or of himself, and the different forms it can take - actually is)

- and when they're ultimately not there, then I think, okay why am I bothering doing all this work just to ultimately feel very unfulfilled? They don't even have to write it the way I would, I'm not saying that, but they do have to do something to make the story feel rewarding.

If we don't get some confirmation of what Loki's been through, and where his headspace is, and why it matters for him to love himself, then the story remains pretty shallow and, for me, it's not fulfilling enough. It's not engaging enough. There isn't actually anything to sink my teeth into, so it becomes kind of boring. Maybe it's rewarding to other people, and that's great for them, but like - I need more than whatever this is.

So I'm just like - well, I had a lot of worries about this show, but my being bored wasn't one of them and now there's only two episodes left and am I really not going to get anything out of this, in the long run? No new canons, no new depths or layers, no new information on Loki's experiences? This is it?

I don't dislike it. I didn't start out disliking it, and I probably wont end up disliking it. I mean, there are a lot of good moments, and good things, and fan service-y things that I appreciate. As far as inspiration for fic goes, it's a goldmine, both plot-wise as well as aesthetic-wise. All of that is great. I don't dislike this show.

But I am disappointed in it, and I feel like I'll be watching the next two episodes lacking the sense of anticipation that would make it exciting. I'll still enjoy them, probably, if for nothing else just the sheer Loki content, but whatever it was I felt watching episodes 1 and 2 is gone and I'm sad about that, too. Because I really wanted to feel fulfilled by this series; I wanted it to fill up the void that Loki's death in IW created three years ago. And I just ... don't feel it. Maybe, maybe that'll change over the course of episodes 5 and 6. I don't know.

Everything that I end up enjoying long-term, I think, will come about as a result of my own interpretations and analysis and while theoretically there's nothing wrong with that, if I had known all I'd get out of this series was more headcanons or support for my current headcanons then, well - that's fine, I suppose, but I'll definitely a little bit robbed.

#loki spoilers #loki series negativity #loki tv series spoilers #loki series spoilers #long post

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trannyradfem · 4 months ago

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Input from an actual trans radfem, under the cut. AKA someone your suspicion is actually meant for. (genuinely not trying to start shit but message me if this is a problem OP)

1st off, idgaf about policing your identity, that's a TRA thing. The fact that you felt the need to do an investigation based off of a certain type of trans identity... has more to do with identity policing than, well, anything I do. So give your pronouns, I'll use them. Do you really think we all take T for shits and giggles? Come on, now.

2nd, I will mention as a side note-- if trans masc, so long as you have a duderus, you ARE subjected to the same laws and conditions anybody with a uterus is. Thus, you are also included in the fight for abortion rights and any other fight regarding AFAB bodies. Not because we look at you and think "wowee what a female woman, the most female who ever woman'd ever! get in here or you SUCK!!", but because of how horrific it would be for a dysphoric trans masc to undergo pregnancy without the option to terminate if he wanted to. I believe that option should be easily accessible for everyone it affects. And it does indeed affect trans mascs differently because of the factor of dysphoria, thus when I fight for our rights, other affected trans mascs are included for the same reason I include myself. It severely affects me.

Now this gets a lot more complicated with how AFABs in general are subject to medical misogyny even after transition, but I won't bore you with my healthcare knowledge unless you want me to. Working in medical as an FTM individual is... very eye opening.

3rd, I am a lesbian. And I do not-- and will not-- date trans women. And there is absolutely nothing you can do about that-- beyond being complicit in a little crime called rape. Lesbians like me exist, the same way transbians exist. Whom I am specifically sexually attracted to DOES NOT define the entire lesbian label, nor the laws around it. The hate I receive is drastically disproportionate to the potential harm I could cause, if I even wanted to do that. The thing is, I don't-- I am simply exclusively into AFABs as a prerequisite-- none of that homophobic nonsense about "genital preferences", or specifically wanting to spite trans women. I am not into both sexes and preferring one-- I am ONLY CAPABLE of being into one sex-- regardless of the other person being trans or not. And it is NOT a choice, the same way I've always had to tell homophobic conservatives that I was born this way. The same way conversion therapy never worked, nothing will ever magically make me into trans women.

If that upsets you because it doesn't fit into the way you perceive trans rights, then you're outright admitting that your brand of trans rights purposefully does not include specific types of trans people on the basis of sexuality, because some sexualities are "wrong". That IS genuinely bigoted, and also exactly what you probably think people like me do, and why you hate TERFs.

Birth sex exclusivity used to be definitive of the entire lesbian experience-- until 2010ish and onwards. It's ok that it's changing, but you dont get to push me out of my own label, change the entire definition to exclude OG lesbians, and then act like I'M the bigot when I push back to still be rightfully included. Respect for autonomy and identities needs to go both ways. We don't call MTF transbians who only date AFABs-- including binary trans men-- "TERFs" despite a very clear preference for AFAB bodies, which CAN also be very dysphoria inducing to be around, so... what gives?

4th, we should also never be obligated to have sex with someone just to test and prove our moral purity or how genuine we're being, but FYI-- after countless times of being unable to sexually reciprocate with 5 different trans women, it's clear at this point that it's not gonna happen... bc I'm simply not into trans women! That's a thing that can exist entirely independent from discriminatory bias, you know that, right? I shouldn't ever have to do all of that to prove it. I KNOW who I am and am not into. It's not oppressing trans women to be honest about whether or not I could have a successful relationship with one. Again, identity and autonomy is uniquely not respected here for specifically this identity like it is for the rest of trans people.

I'm not into any AMABs at all, trans or not. And so I beg of you, think critically-- if I truly cannot reciprocate, why would it be a good thing for me to force myself into dating someone who would ultimately be left wanting? And why should I sacrifice my own happiness and identity to validate a trans woman who won't even be satisfied? Does that make sense? So what exactly is all of this suspicion for?

5th, What trans women do with their identities isn't my concern... so long as they aren't trying to use their identity to force themselves on me and others. Then it is VERY much so my concern because that involves my immediate safety. Duh. To elaborate, consider a performance of very loudly asking "Oh so you think trans women aren't real women??" in a trans friendly space when I turn her down, or any other attempt to turn a "no" into a "yes" using force-- physical, social, or otherwise. My "no" on its own is rarely good enough, I also have to prove I'm not a bigot, too, despite being trans myself-- and again, this is based off my identity and sexuality. Because of these underlying assumptions that all homosexual AFABs MUST be TERF-lite, and our sexuality is not normal or natural. And again, that's just bigotry.

And because these things HAVE happened to me and others several times before as an attempt to override our boundaries and/ or make us feel unsafe in places we should be safe, and because every single one of them got away with it, I am reasonably skeptical of trans women who would do that. Based on their ACTIONS and how physically unsafe they make me, which is a reasonable measure to judge someone by. Not their identity.

I would judge FTM/ cis lesbians the same, except... I've simply never experienced any AFAB acting in that way. It just hasn't been a problem. The very few times I've heard of it happening, the person in question was no longer allowed in that space. That's not remotely close to what happens when the perpetrator is a trans woman, because any and all accusations are typically assumed to be false and coming from a TERF, which can also simply be read as "hysterical, lying feminist" and mean the same exact thing. This is sickeningly similar to my experiences with cis men before coming out and transitioning, and it's dysphoria inducing. Why don't we as a community talk about that and try to navigate it more carefully?

The most trans friendly reason for these things happening-- when it supposedly "never happens"-- that I can give you based on my observations is the following. There could be more reasons, but this one is the most compelling to other trans people imo and I also think it could represent the majority of these situations.

In my entire life, the only demographic I've ever seen pull manipulation tactics as disturbing as this on a frequent basis-- and get away with it within their own communities-- are sadistic cis men who would do literally anything to get laid. Such as lying about themselves and their personal identity, even going as far as abusing self ID to prey on vulnerable people in the trans community out of an overall hatred for trans people, perhaps? And yes, this has happened to me and many others before. Unsuprisingly, cis male chasers have started realizing we have a word for them, and they are becoming more and more aware that self IDing as trans gives them better access to us without any major consequences to themselves, especially because they can simply just say they can't or won't transition. This is easily a very real threat, especially towards AFABs when those cis men have detransition kinks, yet we don't talk about it as a community. Why?

Somehow.... fully transitioned FTM lesbians are most suspect to you? Come on now. Think of it vice versa. Would it be fair or ok to subject trans women-- who could potentially cause harm like cis men do-- to this level of suspicion based on identity alone and NOT actions or behaviors? Of course not, but that's what the community says I do.

So when our community refuses to even entertain the idea of cis men possibly abusing self ID... And prefers to think the FTM lesbians just trying to live their lives and be accepted are the real danger, regardless of logic or truth... And then also see us as more likely to abuse self ID (which doesn't make a lot of sense, because cis women have very, very little to gain from that, and everything to lose)....

Well, that inevitably means people like me need to do what we can to protect ourselves. And yes, that includes being "exclusionary"! We are already being excluded ourselves, so any space we create is mutually also not going to include those who exclude us, duh. The more we get portrayed and treated like we're all dangerous TERFs who want to kill trans women, the worse this division will get, because we are not going to stop protecting ourselves and accept harm just to prove we're "good allies" when we're the ones who belong here and are being pushed out in the first place.

The community outright puts us in even more danger when condoning TERFvestigating FTMs on the basis of AGAB and sexuality, and then points and laughs as if we deserve it when we get harmed. It's exactly how we're treated as women before we come out and transition, with zero critical examination of how harmful this is to subject innocent, dysphoric FTMs to.

Like, at least pick the correct targets if you're going to be that destructive, yeah? But the "right" targets are rarely picked, and the vigilante-ism causes far more harm than good. So how does it NOT make sense that a lot of us want spaces without trans women so that we can avoid this issue entirely? It truly has nothing to do with the identities of trans women, but the community that enables harmful behaviors towards and outright excludes US and OUR identities. Treating us like outsiders instead of people in the same community if we don't accept certain harmful behaviors? Does that not sound familliar, like something you're against when it happens to trans women, for example?

I also have every reason to fear hyper-vigilant trans women who vehemently wish real harm and violence on TERFs when the definition is clearly biased to automatically include identities like mine. ESPECIALLY when some trans women hit on me as a litmus test to see if I'm a "safe" lesbian to be around-- as if my willingness to be flirty or have sex has ANYTHING to do with human rights or whether or not I'll treat her with respect. And somehow, if I don't respond positively to this manipulative tactic, I'm the bigot, like every time. It's just not ok to treat someone like that at all, but I've even seen some trans people fantasize about raping and beating TERFs. Are dysphoric FTM lesbians really the dangerous ones here? Come on.

Somehow it doesn't matter that I have overwhelming amounts of trauma, or how badly this triggers my PTSD and dysphoria at the same time. I've actually been frequently told by TRAs that I need to "get over" my PTSD to be a better ally, and I will be a shitty ally until I do. As if I'm not actively in therapy, and have been for the past 15 years. As if I'm not part of the community, downgraded to "ally" in which I must always be in service of it. As if the community didn't cause a large portion of that trauma, and continues to condone it. As if flirting with someone to test their personality isn't a morally deprived and manipulative tactic. We are not treated fairly or equally, and when we try to talk about it, we're called "whiney men", as if we have full male privelege based on identity labels. This is dehumanization. And this is not reality, whatsoever. What it is, is a line of thinking that only validates specific types of trans people, whom are typically not us.

So it should be no suprise that people like me are done with being dismissed and dehumanized like that, especially when we bite back and then get absolutely crucified for saying some trans women need to unlearn male coded behaviors to be better allies to women and AFABs. So it's ok to do that to only us? We aren't allowed to want better allyship for some reason, even though a disproportionate amount of us DO have PTSD from sexual trauma committed by males of all sorts? Really?

So how does it NOT make sense that we want spaces without all that when simply existing as an FTM lesbian is reason enough for invasive identity investigations, sexual harassment, political discourse, and casual suicide baiting from our own community?

It is unirionically safer for people like me to be around cis people-- not because cis people are uniquely kind to us, but because of how uniquely hostile and dismissive the trans community often is towards us. And that's pretty fucked up.

If we are suspect TERFs until proven innocent based on my identity alone, then self proclaimed trans women who forcefully try to override my sexual boundaries, or otherwise try to harm me, or otherwise act like cis men, must also be suspect men in my eyes until proven otherwise, because the community will not hold them accountable. The same exact way the rest of the world does not hold men accountable. And if we can't be critical of that over fear of hurting the feelings of trans women, even when the safety of trans mascs is at stake, then this is not a trans rights movement. It's a trans fem supremacy movement, which I will always oppose because it's not ok or right.

There would be zero need for me to do that at all if they were held accountable-- and if FTMs weren't victim blamed or told "that doesn't happen, but if it does, you shouldn't talk about it" when it does indeed happen. At the core of it all, regardless of reasoning, when the trans community cannot respect MY lesbian identity, I am in danger, too.

And if this makes you think I point at every other trans woman and go, "RAPIST!!", then you're either watering down and dismissing real instances of severe abuse of trans people for the comfort of your worldview, or... you think that I think the vast majority of trans women are like this. And I am very, very tired of our community victim blaming me for things it could've easily prevented, or at the very least NOT actively endorsed towards my specific demographic. And if you believe I'm trying to convey the latter, that most trans women are just like this, then you're also just wrong. That is something I'd actually strongly disagree on, and it's what pisses me off the most about ACTUALLY abusive and predatory trans women and/or self ID abusing cis male chasers not taking consequences or receiving skepticism when they absolutely should. This sense of, don't police someone's identity!, until it's an FTM lesbian.

It makes all other trans women look bad, it forces me to hyper analyze creepy trans women for my own safety because I know they won't be held accountable and I will be blamed for whatever harm comes to me from them, it causes unnecessary trauma to vulnerable trans people of all AGABs, and it makes the trans community generally unsafe. It gives real, honest predators a message of, "this behavior is ok in trans spaces and won't be punished or even met with skepticism", which will inevitably lead to the amount of predators in the community increasing and trans spaces becoming a hunting ground for them. Thus all trans people are made unsafe by this refusal to police our community in more meaningful ways. ESPECIALLY innocent trans women when we lie to them about who is actually more of a danger to them.

Even though cis men are the leading demographic that actually do murder and suicide bait trans women, and that have already tried self IDing out of being cis to take lesser consequences, such as the Parkview shooter in Illinois... our community is somehow more afraid of wrongthink FTM lesbians.

Make it make sense. If you truly care about trans people, stop using identity as an excuse for unsupported suspicion. Stop dismissing abuse within the trans community. And stop acting like FTM survivors have zero reasons to protect themselves from a dangerously biased community.

I like the concept of your blog, but I wanna check and make sure you don't consider all trans men to be female and that you don't disclude trans women and transfems from lesbianism.

Bestie I’ll be real I don’t even care abt it all if u say you’re not female that’s cool with me if you say you are sounds great call yourself whatever the hell you want and it’s not my business. Don’t even give a fuck what LGBT discourse opinions you have all of y’all are free to interact if you’re not trying to start shit

#discourse #attempting to exchange ideas but anon may not ever see this. rip #demonization of AFABs #angelicization and infantilization of AMABs #wrote another book sorry guys #thank fuck for the read more function

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theshoesofatiredman · 2 years ago

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im deconstructing my faith rn and your blog is kinda comforting in a way...? because i can relate to you a lot in some ways. im not even actively deconstructing my faith, im just so burnt out by the constant self-hatred (bc self love isnt allowed) and feeling like everything i enjoy is inherently a #sin. feel free to reply or not, i just wanna thank you for your account because right now i just feel so lost and tired and burnt out n

Oh my god! Thank you for your message! It is kind of sad but your ask made me realize that I've been conceptualizing the people who follow me as being like "damn yeah I'm experiencing that too and it sucks" and like when I see people follow me I'm like holy shit the suffering. Comfort? Not on my radar even though I myself take comfort from other people sharing their stories. SO thank you for your kind words and for reorienting my views.

Truly and deeply you are not alone in your experience. Your feelings are valid and the experiences that have caused them are real and they are harmful. I know I don't know you but I say that cause the amount of times I wish someone in my life had said that to me is high so now I want to hand out "your feelings are valid" like free warm chocolate chip cookies. Everyone deserves a taste even if it's not going to be filling from a stranger.

I am about to monologue now because omg everything you desire feeling like a sin is often a feature, not a bug, of religious traditions. There's this insidious combination of teachings in my former faith tradition that I am convinced absolutely fucked me up:

Self love is a sin

Being gay is a sin

The highest form of love is sacrificial in nature to the point where you would die for someone else

The good things you do and are belong to God. The bad things are your flesh

You must take every thought and desire captive and sift for holiness

These things are a recipe for self hatred. Even one of these things on their can do significant damage to your self-concept and being able to take care of yourself. Combined and you are left mired in a hatred for your thoughts, affections, interests, and desires. Who you are is someone you have to put on the altar and sacrifice to God.

Because in fundamentalist evangelicalism, you are already good at self love. Self love, aka selfishness to the puritanical, is the default state. You don't have to he taught how to do it. You have to be taught not to. So they spend all this time and energy and theological pontification on how to not love yourself, on how to effectively shrink yourself down until the self is just a quiet whisper, until who you are is just a box filled with all the things they've told you to hate.

People who've been subjected to that then have to learn how to love themselves, how to understand and accept their own desires, because it was beaten out of them. It is so mind boggling to me to see other people just wanting things and going for them. It can be extremely difficult for me to even figure out what it is I want, let alone have the courage and tenacity to realize those desires. Other people have to give me permission to want things and it is so fucking annoying, for them and me.

For example, my boyfriend will be genuinely trying to give me what I want. He wants to take me to the restaurant I want to go to. He wants to do activities during the day that I want to do. And it is so hard for me to even be able to like... just give him that list of "here's what I want to do; this is my perfect exciting day" because I spent so much of my life trying to empty myself of all desires except for God because everything else was sinful and dangerous.

I believe that it is possible to heal from this. I also believe I am still healing from this. Therapy has been really helpful but also having a partner who genuinely wants me to want things and then give them to me has also been a profound experience. I am lucky in that regard.

Something that's been really powerful for me is the experience of, now after having deconstructed my faith, no longer feeling shame over things I used to feel shame for. This largely has to do with my sexuality. But I used to think that there were things that the shame feeling was deeply inherent to them because they were sinful and sin brought shame. It was a law of nature. TURNS OUT, it ISN'T LIKE THAT AT ALL. The shame was in my head. It was how I was taught to think that brought the shame and guilt and self loathing. It is ironic that the biblical worldview that espoused "in Christ there is no shame" guaranteed I would be filled with it.

Another thing I have found helpful is asking the question -- who benefits from your suffering? For a long time the answer was God and therefore me as a result because of my belief in his inherent goodness. It was a God's glory from my suffering will bring about my good. But that eventually started seeming pretty messed up. Why would an all loving being want me to suffer? And where was the good I was promised? Now as of 2022 I don't believe the god that was being glorified ever existed. So the answer to the question of who benefits from the suffering that comes from my self hatred, my sacrifice, my denying of myself... it's no one. And even if it was still god, any god that benefits from your suffering is a god that should be distrusted -- full stop.

I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. I'm glad my account could be a comfort to you. It's okay to not be active in your deconstruction. It takes so much work to take apart your worldview and sometimes that requires breaks. Life is busy and exhausting and fundamentally changing the way you see everything is a tremendous undertaking. I hope the days ahead and the people in them are kind to you and you are able to recharge. Much love to you and thanks again for your message.

#exvangelical #ex christian #deconstruction #ex fundie #ex fundamentalist #self love #self hatred #ex religious #apostate

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jaypsnax · 4 years ago

Photo

Alright then, to take it from the top... here’s some things I’ve done here or there for this dang game, from oldest to newest. With a big chunk of months starting with the margin Floofty there. Much is traditional and such, which is not my most practiced medium. Details on each below, just because I like over-explaining and it helps my nerves about posting.

1st: Fairly certain this Gramble is the first thing I did that was OK enough to show. Or, at least close to the first. He was one of my favorites and still is for his kindness(though he also can be really mean and paranoid, also a reason why I like him), so I wanted to get around to em. Also he’s very cute, I love my little malewife. I wanna scoop him up and hold him. Trouble is, Gramble has to have some of the most awkward proportions I’ve yet experienced while trying to draw a grumpus, I swear. That, and the more I looked at it, the more I grew to be unhappy with it. That generally applies to basically all of the drawings from last year, I find them to be “eh” at best. But it is what it is. 2nd: Second up is Flooftyyy, my most favorite. Intelligent, well-spoken, morally ambiguous, NB... and an asshole. But one with a cause they believe in that’s ultimately well intentioned, which they’ll go to self-destructive lengths to fulfill. And it’s clear they struggle to really get a grasp on how to treat people and have learned to cope with their frustration by shutting everyone out and believing them to be ignorant. While still obviously playing favorites between Eggabell and Triffany :p But by the end of the game, they’re learning that in order to really do what they want, they’ve got to really try and understand others. They’re the sort that I’d love to keep following to see their development. The awkwardness, the uncomfortable apologies and attempts at empathizing or opening up, the potential for blossoming relationships and a connection with others that, maybe, they’ve never quite experienced before. Their character is one that’s kind of close to my heart for being interesting and also quite similar to one I made and roleplayed for years. Add in the fact they’re NB and that just sealed the deal, that’s some fucking gender goddamn euphoria right there. So I had to draw them. 3rd: This one also mostly falls under the same explanation as above, except it was an effort as really figuring out grumpus bodies and proportions and stuff. Albeit in the form of solely Floofty, but my mental bandwidth for anything more than a drawing or two at a time is zilch. After that I’m spent. It was the first thing that I felt even marginally satisfied with, however.... I just feel like I’m in danger when looking at it. Like I’m gonna lose my way of things and habits I’ve built now from observing it too closely. Did keep the eyes, however. Kind of. 4th: To be real w you I just felt like drawing a Filbo after seeing a Filbo. He’s cute and I’d put a smooch on his dumb little head. Also more practice w grump stuff, but with some intentional attempts at stylization. I guess it didn’t stick, but who knows, maybe I could pick some of it back up? 5th: THE FIRST NEW DRAWING FROM A FEW DAYS AGO and it’s FLOOFTY, of course. It’s not really the first, there’s a few other things before it, but they suck so... yeah. I’d crawled out of the Bugsnax hole somewhat after a few months and failing to really do anything I actually wanted to do before, but a particular fic conked me right back 6 ft under. Piled the dirt over me and packed it in tight. So here I am again. And not only is it like that, but after binging a whole nearly 60,000 words in a night/morning, I was struck with the inspiration to actually write myself. Or try to, anyway. I have experience in RPing, but not a whole lot in actually... making a story myself. It’s not been going well, but I’ve talked plenty about that already... I’m sure it gets annoying for the whole maybe one person whose seen most of it to witness. And I’m still having fun. I’d mention the fic, but considering it’s NSFW and I’m officially tagging this... I don’t know if they’d want me advertising it as such. But surprise surprise, it’s Floofty related. And don’t get the wrong idea, while it covers explicit subject matter, that’s not entirely the point. Not a bad thing if it were, just that it’s more than that. I just like good character writing over all else, which is something liking this game to begin with heavily reinforced.... 6th: Heeeere’s Gramble, again. I’d been doing some little drawings for character profile stuff in my notebook, but I started to run into some difficulties when I got to him. This here is one of the results of the couple of little draws I did to try and understand. Again, his proportions are so *weird*. He’s just a little guy.... 7th, 8th, 9th, 10th: Here marks the first impulse draw after considering Buddy/Filbo/Beffica poly stuff. As well as the sudden Buddy drawing in general, which came as a big shock to me. These draws are suuuper rough, but I like the concepts. And goodness has this stuff been a whole ‘nother tangent... I did a fair amount of talking about it here. I’d do more, since there were TONS of details I still wanted to mentioned, but... my hands are starting to hurt. So maybe later. I realized that I kinda of messed up their design in my head bc I thought they had more similar teeth to Clumby. Whoops. That’s what I get for not using reference and same with FlooFTY’S TEETH AND THE WATCH NOOOOOOOOOO- .... *Ahem* I reckon the design is subject to change. Gotta make some little adjustment here or there, like maybe different eyes to distinct them from Floofty, but I actually rather... like the look. The hat, tie, and maybe a change to a bag on the side look nice... if totally not canon. But I will have just a little break from canon, as a treat. Otherwise it’s canon or bust. Personally, at least. I don’t really hold others to that standard unless they say they’re trying to follow canon or diverge so badly that a character is unrecognizable.

#bugsnax #Floofty Fizzlebean #Filbo Fiddlepie #Beffica Winklesnoot #Journalist #uhhhhh #Gramble Gigglefunny #This is NOT going to be a common thing #Floating around in official tags kinda freaks me out #my art

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phoebehalliwell · 3 years ago

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what are your thoughts on thruples? cause I keep thinking about Paige/Henry/Coop, especially with Henry and Coop's epic bromance in the comics

ooh that could be very interesting. personally, i'm game for throuples (tho i will say i Hate the word throuple i think it sounds gross just like you know moist or something so i usually just say "poly relationship") but i do kind have beef when it's like. like you know the meme "it doesn't have to be like this [blank] has two hands"? funny meme i do like it but i hate when a poly relationship is just kinda an excuse to merge two couples rather than something that like emerges as distinct relationships between all three parties. like bella edward and jacob as a couple like. shure because bella loves edward and bella loves jacob but jacob and edward really don't like have anything there it's more like roommates who share a girlfriend rather than a poly relationship. one piece of media that i think really did it well was siren on freeform which i highly recommend the first two seasons it kinda goes off the rails s3 and then was cancelled but the first two season it really spends time fleshing out all aspects of the relationships between ben, ryn, & maddie and it also actually goes canon which is lit 🤙🤙

but basically. if i were to do a paige/henry/coop, i think i would start with specifically a paige/coop bromance introduce henry into the mix & let it blossom from there so like. as previously stated. i think each leg of the triangle here needs to be strong n steady on its own so um underneath the cut is i believe a record breaking 6.6k

rip richard but we'll say richard also died in this au rip. and then, of course, kyle also died. idk if he's a whitelighter or not but the point is paige has this weight on her chest like god i can't save these people i can't save the people i love ouch everything hurts

& that's when coop shows up!

and we'll have his introduction plot be a fusion of heartbreak city and the magic hour where coop's got this relationship and it's perfect they're so in love but there's this demonic interference and it's gonna kill one or both of them so he busts down the charmed ones' door like hi you guys are protectors of the innocent right well i have some innocents in dire need of protection

to which this duty gets turfed to paige because piper idk has work and phoebe has a date and phoebe's like i can cancel it to help! and coop's like what no the whole reason i'm here is love go go find love paige can totally handle this

and paige is like :| because she really doesn't want this gig and coop's explaining it all to her how this love is going to be broken up by a magical death unless they stop it and paige is like okay look here coop let's not get our expectations up to high because in my experience almost all relationships end in a magical death and coop’s like !!!

and immediately does like a cupid reading on her and paige is trying to bat him away like ew no i do not need any love guru-ing right now okay let’s just fix your thing and then you can leave okay

and coop’s like no don’t you see? this is fate, the fact that it’s you and me on this, it means i’m meant to be here, i’m meant to help you find love

and paige is like uh no it means piper’s a mother of two and phoebe’s on a date while i am the tragic spinstress of magic school (which is still under her charge just bc it is we didn’t abandon it)

and coop’s like nope. it’s fate. and paige rolls her eyes and coop’s like come on, like you don’t believe in fate and paige is like actually i don’t! and coop just smiles at her bc he knows she’s lying and paige knows she knows he’s lying and she tries to sneer at him but it’s just insanely half hearted bc to be honest her heart kinda skipped a beat with that smile but no

absolutely not

dude, all she gets is cursed love, and now a cupid?

she can’t go through all that she can’t fight for love only to watch him die no she’s gonna ignore it he’s not that cute anyways oh fuck he totally is but whatever!!! doesn’t matter

so blah blah blah paige and coop save the day including one moment where idk there’s an explosion or something they have to dodge something hide for attackers something where they get thrown up against a wall faces inches apart from each other breathing heavy undeniably a moment which they both Immediately break because wooooah that is a little too much chemistry!! better act like that never happened

and you know next episode or whatever coop’s like okay let’s find you love!! and paige is like not now i’m at work and coop’s like in an alleyway and paige is like i need to look after my charge and then after that i need to grade papers and after that i need to order cauldrons and after that-

and coop’s like find love?

and paige is like no. i need to.... but um she forgot the rest of her list

and coop’s like find love excellent sounds great!

and paige is like anyone ever tell you you’re really annoying and coop’s like nope i’m a cupid :0)

and blah blah blah they’re arguing and something something w paige’s charge and paige is like i gotta go talk to him but coop holds her back because wait who’s that approaching him and paige is like fuck that must be his parole officer bc idk he’s doing something that is obviously breaking parole and paige is like aaaaaaa what do we do and then it’s a henry face reveal and both paige and coop are like woah.

but then paige is storming off trying to like try to fight henry and henry’s like what the fuck is this?? and coop’s running up like hi i’m also here and speed’s like i-cannot stress this enough-do not know any of these people and coop’s like you don’t know us yet and paige is like you can’t do this speed’s a good kid and speed’s like yeah!!

and henry’s like he was so very obviously breaking parole and paige is like he’s a kid and henry’s like a kid who’s been to juvie!! twice!!! and who should know the damn rules by now

and paige is like look something something clever talk bargaining whatever puts something of her own at stake and henry’s like you’re really gonna risk it all on this kid and paige is like yes. he’s destined for greatness. and speed is like yeah!! and henry’s like fine. whatever. but when the other shoe drops, you know like i’m gonna cash in whatever wager paige made here

& he leaves

and speed’s like thanks also who are you and idk we get a paige monologue something full of love and spirit and coop’s also there still and speed’s listening to this monologue kinda like um okay bc honestly? just met her five minutes ago this is kind of a lot but coop’s listening to this monologue like wow😍

so idk speed leaves and coop’s like hey so do you pick a fight with all the guy’s you find attractive and paige is like what

and coop’s like well i’m just saying you know with richard with kyle with me and now with henry i’m kinda sensing a pattern there

and paige is like did you just include yourself on that list and coop’s like i mean yeah duh

and paige kinda wants to argue back but her blush is giving her away so it’s best just to change the subject so what you think i should be going for the parole officer?

and coop’s like yes! didn’t you feel it there was a spark there passion energy something that with the help of yours truly can easily turn into love and paige is like yeah no. absolutely not.

and coop’s like come on why not he was hot and paige is like yeah well if he’s so hot why don’t you date him and coop pauses like hmm like genuinely consider and paige is like don’t do that

and coop’s like why not and paige is torn between don’t date him because i actually did feel that spark and i do kinda like him and also don’t date him because if you’re gonna date anyone it should be me but both those are too embarrassing to say out loud to her cupid so instead she just says conflict of interest

and we flash forward to later idk when the point is speed is doing graffiti on public property but not just like stupid pointing a spray can at something la la la like proper graffiti like an artform but as it is unfortunately public property that is Illegal so it breaks parole

so idk henry’s there and busts him and paige senses speed’s in trouble so she shows up and henry’s like good you’re here. i’m not actually gonna cash in the thing that you wagered because that’d be unfair, because i know the kid, i know that he always let’s you down and speed’s like hey man

but paige is looking up at the wall and she’s like don’t you get it and henry’s like ...no and paige is like it’s art. it’s a release, it’s a coping mechanism and speed’s like idk that’s all sounding a little bit pretentious for a bit of graffiti and paige is like you can’t arrest him for this and henry’s like it’s literally illegal. & i already let him walk once what part of this aren’t you getting

and then there’s like a. idk cop radio thing i don’t know how police work that’s talking about how whatever gang speed used to run with just robbed some place but they’re hot on their tail bc their getaway driver sucks and henry’s looking at speed bc speed Is the getaway driver hence the name and henry’s like how come you aren’t driving that car huh

and speed just shrugs and henry’s like no how come you’re not driving that car what you swap out one crime for another you’re getting busted either way and speed like shrugs

and paige is like he’s creating art instead and henry’s like did they approach you to drive the getaway car and speed shrugs and henry’s did they approach you to drive the getaway car and speeds like yes man they did i said no and henry looks up at the art

and it’s some super nail on the head craving freedom thing a bird breaking free from a cage type shit and it’s gorgeous

and henry looks at paige like what are you, huh

and paige is like freelance guardian angel

and henry just uncuffs speed and speed’s like what are you doing and henry’s like go. next time you do this find a wall that isn’t public property

and speed can’t help it he kinda smiles n runs off and henry just looks at paige bc what the hell has this girl gotten into him bc normally he’s just got such a concrete shell but she’s smiling at him like he just made the right choice and he’s really gotta fight the urge to smile back. what the fuck

so he says something stupid and leaves

and later paige is doing something when boom coop is here invading her personal bubble bc that’s become their new mode of communication is there are one thousand empty chairs and coop is seated in one paige will walk over and sit on that same chair that’s how they operate bc again there’s this sense of longing for one another and they both know they can’t go for it so instead they just opt for this intense intimacy passed off as friendship

and paige is like met the parole officer again and coop’s like oh henry mitchell? and paige is like how do u know his full name and coop’s like did my research<3 and they’re talking blah blah blah idk and it’s both how to land a date with this guy and also heavy flirting at the same time. and then like phoebe walks into the room and they snap apart like magnets with the same polarity i think?? been a while since the fifth grade and their language just becomes so much more stifled

to which phoebe is vaguely aware and this is a change but we as the audience are super aware it’s a change meaning that their constant flirty banter is a choice on both parts they are both very consciously doing this

and then i don’t know there’s something bigger going on in the main plot which has been building and the main villain needs something magical from each type of being so a cupid’s next on the grocery list so idk coop is either out minding his own business getting coffee or he’s out on reconnaissance on henry when all of a sudden he’s attacked!! by idk an arrow seems convenient honestly we should do a bow and arrow an homage to in original cupid iconography

and henry’s in proximity and sees this and idk maybe they’re somewhere where there aren’t that many people just so you know u can be attacked by a bow and arrow and henry’s like what the fuck!??!?! running over to help him and he vague recognizes him as the angel’s friend but is mainly like holy shit did you just get shot with a bow and arrow and henry’s like i’ll call an ambulance i’ll drive u to the hospital

and coop’s like no no uhh can’t go with the whole i am actually a magical being i exist in no databases and also have no money so instead goes with the i have no health insurance and henry’s like hmm. fuck.

so the next thing you know coop’s on henry’s couch and henry’s doing rudimentary first aid and coop’s really trying to hobble away because if he can just get to paige she can heal this because she unlocked that power in like s5 or s6 in a more natural progression but henry’s not letting him leave because dude you have an arrow in your chest

and now we’re doing the hurt comfort schtick with the meaningful glances and also coop is shirtless bc well you know Arrow In Chest and he’s also in henry’s apartment which is offering a very weird sense of intimacy

and there’s also this kind of banter going because coop’s like no i’m fine i can leave this is fine and henry’s like dude. please let me at least try to help you and after that you can walk right out of here and go repuncture your lung. but just. while you’re. let me do what i can

and coop’s like okay because like. well i mean a) gotta keep up appearances like he’s mortal and b) henry’s kinda fine so sure he can play doctor what’s the worse that can happen

and henry’s like okay we gotta get this arrow out of you so um. any ideas on how to do that? and coops like yeah break off the feathered part and then pull the rest through

and henry’s just like yeah? you have experience with this? and coop’s like once or twice and henry’s like what do you do?

and coop’s like ... relationship therapist

and henry’s like are relationship therapists frequently attacked by archers and coop’s like yeah more often than you’d think

and henry removed the arrow and the actual point stabby bit of the arrow is shaped like a heart just for funsies bc it’s for cupids but henry’s looking at this like relationship therapist hunting arrow??

anyways. henry is pressing some bandages against coop’s chest to staunch the bleeding and there’s a Moment there to which henry kinda falters because woah gay thoughts?? and the pressure lightens but then o shit i’m lightening the pressure don’t do that!! so he pushes hard and coop’s like aa!! and henry’s like fuck jesus and coop just kinda laughs like i guess you don’t patch up arrow wounds that frequently and henry’s like yeah actually you’re my first!!

something something something coop’s patched up and henry gives him once of his shirts because coop’s shirt had to be cut off him bc of the arrow and we get one of the classic how to i look / starstruck moments because hell yeah we do

and blah blah blah blah blah blah blah coop makes it home and paige is like where in god’s name did u get that shirt bc it looks nothing like what coop would wear in fact in kinda reminds her of

believe it or not, henry

hot parole officer henry?

the one and only

and paige is like you slept with him??? and coop’s like close. i was shot with an arrow and he patched me up

and paige is like !!! because you know main plot evil all this that coop takes off henry’s shirt so paige can see the wound and heal it and she’s looking at henry’s handiwork and it really is the old college try but that man is not a medic so now paige is laying her hand on coop’s bare chest and phoebe walks in and immediately turns on a heel like i’ll give you guys some space!!

and paige is like no it’s fine i’m healing him he was shot main plot and phoebe’s like oh

and then later phoebe’s talking with paige like okay you and coop tho. bc like. ik ik healing or whatever. but like. 👀👀.

and tbh paige has been waiting for this because she really needs to unpack bc like i know!! because coop and i have this thing and it’s a great thing but it like can’t be a thing it’s a forbidden thing but i want it to be a thing but at the same time there’s this other guy and i can’t get him off my mind and i’m worried i’m just viewing him as a safer alternative instead of coop but like. idk he was just my backup i feel like i would be more lukewarm about it. but i’m not. like. i’m really not i kind wish i was because i don’t know if i can do a relationship again especially because he’s mortal like i can’t have someone i care for die again so maybe it’s safer just to keep what i have with coop or maybe even to explore that further? and keep henry safe? but like this and that and this and that

and phoebe’s like buzzing because it’s been a while since she’s had such an interesting love mess to tinker with so the first thing she does is go to coop just to see what she can sus out there Meanwhile paige is with speed where you ask? p3. well, outside of it

speed is painting the side of the club with this amazing artwork and clearly there’s this vein of magic running through it with certain symbols all that and he’s using paintcans and paige has her paintbrush and is adding smaller pieces as well

and she’s like hey where’d you get like that idea or thing idea because they’re all like. runes or magical somethings or others and speeds like idk. saw it in a dream maybe.

and henry rolls up because he stopped at the manor looking for paige and piper directed him here and he’s just like. like he sees this amazing work and it’s a big heart full moment and paige and speed finish up and speed adds his little signature at the bottom and leaves and henry says he’s proud of him and speed acts like he doesn’t care but he does

so henry’s like hey how’s your friend and paige is like coop? yeah, no he’s totally fine and henry’s like really???

and paige is like yeah no um. my brother in law! is an army medic. so um. he was able to. yeah : ) which isn’t technically a lie because leo was he’s just also kinda frozen in a block of ice now so whoops

and henry’s like that’s good but the real reason he’s her it to like thank paige for you know like. seeing the light like maybe henry has become too bitter and jaded so it’s good to know that there are freelance guardian angels out there keeping the balance and you know watching out for these kids so thank you for just like. being a good person.

and he also looks at her art and he’s like this your coping mechanism and paige is like yeah [tragic backstory swap time!!] and both paige and henry kinda realize how they’re like almost mirrors to each other and henry kisses her and paige kisses him back but then stops because she likes him too much which means he’s gonna die

so she’s like sry i gotta go and henry’s like oh :\ because um. well. whoops. because like. god he so rarely goes out on a limb like that and for one moment there it felt like it was all gonna align like he wasn’t gonna get ditched but paige’s green punchbuggy is already peeling out of the lot so guess not

so phoebe’s determined that coop is indeed in love with paige so all that needs is a little nudging okay she’s on mission time to go

and then next thing you know paige is storming in all in a tizzy because she kissed henry and coop’s like this is great news and paige is like no this is bad news! and coop’s like ???

and paige is like no you don’t understand it’s like i’m cursed because whenever i love someone whenever i truly love someone they die and that kiss....... it was..... i can’t have henry die

and coop is like on full cupid mode idk a cupid monologue blah blah blah love <3 and it kind of heals paige both in a sense that it quells her worries but also in a sense that being around coop always seems to make her feel better like she just feels warmer feels safer when he’s around so um. she should probably. figure something out about that. esp in regards to henry. right?

anyways. coop for some reason or another runs into henry again (call it fate) and henry’s like hey r u okay? and coop’s like yeah : ) ! and thank you, by the way, for um patching me up and stuff and henry’s like yeah no problem but um look can i ask you a favor and coop’s like sure

and henry’s like you’re a relationship therapist right and coop’s like yeah 99% sure he knows where this is going and henry’s like like family and relationship counselling and coop’s now only like 40% sure he knows where this is going and he’s like sure and henry’s like great okay so um i’ve got this parolee who [plot background story idk there needs to be some familial healing something or other] is there like. anyway you can help out with that

and coop’s like totally!! and henry’s like oh thank god because like. therapy expensive.

and now we get another one of those moments like seeing someone in their element henry sees coop as he goes basically full cupid but rather than romantic love it’s familial and henry’s like in awe and he’s also kind like wow okay i’d totally make out with that guy like right now but like. like he just kissed paige. and he knows coop and paige are friends. so like. like he can’t do that right? is that too weird?

so family therapy a success and like as established forging bonds of love strengthens cupids so coop’s like word you know if you ever need this on a more regular basis and henry’s like i promise you’re gonna regret offering that and coop’s like not a chance and henry’s like i really have like nothing to pay you with and coop’s like you make these kids lives better. i don’t need payment and henry looks over and gets is Own aha moment of oh i do have a purpose and also i love my job type thing

but. there is another task at hand. because like. are you and paige?? like??

and coop’s like me and paige??? and he’s about to say no because no they’re not but now he’s thinking about it and they are kinda more than they are not but henry’s not asking about the minutiae of it so now henry’s just watching him go on this face journey before going why do you ask : ) and henry’s like no nothing i just thought like well i don’t know what i thought

and coop’s like haha yeah well you know it’s um. haha yeah! you know how it is. i mean. paige is amazing and henry’s like yeah she really is and coop’s like yeah and like she’s just got all this love in her heart and henry’s like i know!! and she’s so smart like you should see what she’s done with speed she got him this place where he can put up his own art and like blah blah blah and at this point it is just coop and henry praising paige to each other for about five minutes before they kinda realize what’s going on and they’re like hmm. well this is kinda weird. cuz now we both kinda sound in love with her.

and coop’s like listen. i know paige really likes you. like a lot

and henry’s like woah i’m gonna stop you there because um. like. i mean i don’t wanna sound weird but like. like we did kiss and then she kinda just ran off and i mean literally ran hopped into her car drove away type thing so. i don’t really think so. so :\

and coop’s like no i mean like okay yeah that did happen but dude you’ve gotta understand she’s had so much loss and henry’s like no i know she told be about her parents and coop’s voice gets real low leans in because this is Top Secret information and he’s like it goes beyond that and henry’s like what and coop’s like her past two boyfriends both died. one from a heart attack, the other was hit by a car (well, no richard was not hit by a car but when all the magic inside you fucks you up that bad evidently the wreck that’s left kinda looks like you were hit by a semi. ouch) and coop’s like so paige kinda just. thinks she’s cursed.

and henry’s like oh. because my god. that’s a lot to process. and that like. like makes so much sense because like if that happened to him he really wouldn’t be able to date again hell that did not happen to him and he’s already barely able to date bc of how afraid he is of getting hurt

but coop’s out here like henry it’s not you like i promise she really likes you i mean you’re a good man and you’re brave and you’re passionate and like you’re hot, obviously and coop theoretically starts complimenting henry from paige’s point of view but then it very clearly starts to dissolve into coop’s pov and we’re still riding that chemical high of the In Your Element passion henry has for coop added onto the good person bonus of yes i’ll continue to help you with this endeavor for literally no benefit and now he’s just rattling off compliments to henry and henry’s just like oh jeez 😳😳🥰

and there’s just like. the briefest moment of henry’s eyes darting down to coop’s lips and coop’s daze is kinda broken and he realizes that he’s just been telling henry how foioine he is to his face and there’s a moment spellbound lookin into each others eyes like damn this is kinda gay & then they’re making out

and then henry’s like ohhh my god what am i doing what have i done oh know because you’re paige’s friend you like paige and i kissed her earlier today and now i’m oh my god this is a bad idea right? this is a bad idea?

and coop’s thinking on it because like okay he has been trying to pair paige and henry together a) because they’d be cute together and she clearly likes him but also b) because he really likes her and he can’t be with her bc he’s a cupid so at least if she’s with someone else who she loves he can be happy knowing she’s happy. but now he’s here with henry and he shouldn’t be because Again he’s trying to pair paige with henry and he can’t be with henry bc as previously stated cupids can’t actually have relationships but he shouldn’t even be thinking that because henry isn’t for him but even if he was which he isn’t it wouldn’t work because he’s a cupid so um. yeah. this is a bad idea

yeah

no they’re makin out again.

anyways. l8r at p3 someone else who owns a local business sees the art on the wall outside and is like yo who did that because i would totally pay them to do idk my food truck or something and piper’s like i’ll tell u exactly who did that

so idk i think legally since speed’s a minor and a parolee henry has to be involved in the job getting process actually wait speed just turned 18. idk what any of this means but we’ll say henry needs to be there so piper gave paige the food truck guys digits and paige passes on the news to speed and henry and like. paige shows up at henry’s office to be like good news!!

and to level with you henry thought that like. after making out with coop maybe his feeling for paige would dissipate like maybe he was secretly gay this whole time and paige was just a safe route to project those feeling but paige comes in with this smile that puts the goddamn stars to shame and henry’s like nope!! still in love with her!!

and paige is like okay because like this is all set you know like this could even lead to a career in art for speed like and henry’s like yes absolutely but now that the initial glow of that has worn off they’re both kinda remembering that the last time they saw each other they kissed and then paige bolted so yeah they should probably address that

and paige is like look i want to apologize for just kind of. running out the other day. that really wasn’t. it wasn’t right and i know this sounds dumb but it really wasn’t about you i’m just i’ve been in this weird place and i do like you henry like i really do so i don’t want you to think

and henry’s like i feel like i kind of apologize too because i kinda made out with your friend and paige pauses because like she really has no friends well i guess besides coop but like there’s and henry tacks on coop to clarify and paige just snorts laughing

like she has no idea why that’s so funny but it just kinda is like. what!!

and henry’s like yeah but it was like. it’s. he really likes you paige he really does care for you i mean i really care for you too and henry’s kind of playing both sides here because he does like. really like paige. and that’s why he wants her to be happy and it’s her choice who she feels who she’d be most happy with whether that’s hm or coop because honestly coop is p amazing henry wouldn’t be burnt losing to him because coop is a great guy and paige is just watching him ramble smiling and henry realizes he doesn’t know what he’s saying anymore so he just kind of trails off and gets kind of lost in paige’s smile because like. wow : )

and paige is just kind of there processing that information because um wow who could have seen this coming and honestly she’s still not over coop kissing henry that’s just so unbelievable entertaining to her she’s so gonna hafta prod coop about it later because dude what?? what? bro. bro. bro. like. like the two guys she’s in love with kissed like bro what!!!! lmao she would pay money to see that how tf did that happen. she would have loved to have been there. that’s insane. she really wished she was there. like. really wished she was there. hmm. should she stew on that a little more?

and henry’s like. this is awkward. i’m sorry. i don’t want things to be weird between us. and paige is like henry i think things have been weird between us since i first picked an argument with you in an alleyway. and henry’s like true!! and they’re laughing and there’s a beat and henry’s like i think i fell in love with you in that moment. and paige is like yeah?

and henry’s just. i mean like. look at her <3 but like. she deserves. like she deserves the best there is and he’s just some guy like some jaded hardass who lives in a crappy apartment and who always forgets how to do the right thing it seems not to mention all his fucking baggage like. she deserves better.

and paige sees him kinda retreat and like she kind of pulls out of the moment too because she loves henry she does but like that fear that he’s gonna die is still there and she wants to fight it she just doesn’t know if she can but like. she really really does like him.

and now they’re both standing there again another moment turned to dust in the wind now they’re just two people standing there incredibly normal about it yep just two people nope paige is kissing henry ope okay yep they’re making out and boom someone’s knocking on henry’s office door o quick act natural because hi henry heard you needed like the legal paperwork because speed’s getting a job here you go and henry’s like 👍 thank you very obviously flushed and his coworker is like. what the fuck is going on in that office. but like. doesn’t really care enough to find the answer to that question.

so paige is like you should come to p3 l8r tonight to like celebrate speed getting a job blah blah blah blah and henry’s like i will be there

so later paige is getting dolled up in a fire outfit just adding the final touches when coop shows up bc phoebe said you needed to see me? (with phoebe’s strategy fully being in mind that paige looks hella fly right now but also is still in the manor an area paige and coop have kind of curated as their space also like once she goes to p3 it’s simply too loud too crowded to have a heart to heart like what is about to happen here which she would listen all unfold but piper unfortunately dragged her away to help with the boys but i’m sure it’s all going well)

and paige is like ....nope. and coop’s like ah. well. you look great. going to see henry? which he asks that question like he’s walking on very thin ice and paige is like yeah and i gotta say i can’t believe you kissed henry before you ever kissed me and coop just laughs like well!!

and paige is laughing too but there’s this undercurrent of you still haven’t kissed me :/ and coop’s like i take it henry told you and paige is like yep. and then made a very convincing campaign in your favor on how you’re evidently in love with me and you’re probably my better option, he loves me, too, but just can’t seem to hold a candle to you

and coop’s laughing and he’s like that sounds like something henry’d say, he’s really. he’s got a lot of love he just doesn’t seem to think he’s worth it.

and paige is like you think he’s worth it though

and coop’s like i do. you think he’s worth it too. and paige is like i do.

and there’s a moment of stillness because what the fuck are any of them doing and paige is like we can’t keep doing this. and coop’s like gonna hafta be a bit more specific there because i think i’ve broken more rules than i can count in the past 24 hours. and paige is wanna make that one more and coop’s like !? and then paige kisses him and coop’s like okay now’s the time where i would really love some clarification

and paige is like. well. i had to kiss you, right? and coop’s like sure? and paige is like because i’ve wanted to for the longest time because i keep pretending like i’m not in love with you because well you know you know me better than almost anyone else but like. i also love henry. and so i had to kiss you. as a test.

and coop’s like ...did i pass?

and paige is like that wasn’t the test and coop’s like what was and paige is like i don’t know. to see where my love is. to see if i love you or if i love henry or if it’s all just infatuation and relfections distorting how i feel and coop’s like okay. so... what’s the answer?

and paige is like i love henry. but then she kisses coop again and is like but i think i love you, too. and they’re doing that thing where they lack bubble space when they talk i mean paige’s head is basically on his chest and coop’s hands are on her waist and coop’s like okay. so where do you want to go from here.

because he’s a cupid you know his top priority is love in its purest form so if like paige’s love for henry like outweighs her love for him he will pretend not to be crushed and move on like he will. he’s saying he’ll do anything in the name of love but really he’ll just do anything for paige.

and paige is like i think you should kiss henry again and coop laughs and he’s like don’t joke about that because complete candor i totally would he is... amazing

and paige is like yeah, i know, and i’m not joking and it kind of clicks for coop like !! polyromanticism!!

anyways. paige And coop go to p3 and henry’s there and sees paige And coop and he’s like uh oh oh no because if paige chose coop like he’s happy for them he really is except he’s also kind of not because then he kind of loses paige And coop and um. that’s kind of a two hit KO. but wait!! that is not the case! what’s this??

anyways. quirky hijinks of sorts when phoebe sees that paige came home with henry and she’s like damn. my plan failed. and the next morning piper’s like i see ur plan worked and phoebe’s like yeah no need to rub it in and piper’s like ??? dude paige totally hooked up with coop last night and phoebe’s like no?? that was the other guy that was henry

and piper’s like that was definitely coop?? and phoebe’s like piper not every tall man with dark hair looks the same and piper’s like no shit do you think i don’t know what coop looks like he practically lives here and phoebe’s like yeah that’s how i know the guy paige brought home w her was Not Coop and piper’s like do you need new glasses and phoebe’s like shut up i’m right and piper’s like no ur not!!

and later that day they’re like. all brewing a potion in the attic and like while we have you here...... did you hook up with henry or coop last night and phoebe’s like because piper thought it was coop when i very clearly saw henry and piper’s like yeah phoebe hasn’t been sleeping well lately i think she’s started seeing things so go ahead prove me right and paige is just laughing like okay so i guess i gotta introduce u guys to my 2 boyfriends

#it's bi4bi4bi #this was really fun tho i never would have thot of this but this is fun #charmed #paige x coop x henry #💌#margaretsminiessays #more like margarets major fuckin essays tho #there's. there's a lot here. but it needs to be said!!

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ablednt · 4 years ago

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aren’t u that blog that constantly promotes self dx and bashes professional dx? like self dx is fine but it’s a last resort for people who can’t access prof dx.

I don't bash prof dx, first off. I fully understand and respect people who needed one for any reason.

However self diagnosis should never be treated like a backup for if you can't get a prof dx and here is why:

(Disclaimer: exact details vary by country making this not fully accurate in every country also I am not saying that treatment is bad or that therapists are inherently bad I am currently trying to seek therapy but any good therapist will treat you without a diagnosis if they are aware of the legal consequences of one)

You can and likely will lose your rights for your diagnoses. It's different by country but in the US if your diagnosed with things like DID, Autism, and probs a lot more you won't be allowed to go on HRT if you're trans. You may have your children taken away if you have any, you may be prevented from donating or receiving blood or organs, if you have abusive family members they may be able to put you under a conservatorship (what happened to Britney Spears) etc.

Literally the vast majority of psychologists do not study these disorders! Do you know what they do when they prof dx? THE SAME SHIT PPL WHO SELF DX DO. The dx process is exactly the same but with a professional dx you have someone who doesn't have that thing, who has no actual first hand experiences, listening to you talk about that thing and telling you whether or not they think you have it with literally no input from the community.

By saying every one has to try to be prof dxed before they're allowed to self dx you're saying that people of color should put up with blatant racism because there's so many documented biases.

Also the criteria that therapists use to diagnose is found in the dsm5, have you read it? I have, it says that autistic people cannot take care of themselves that they're prone to self harm bc of their autism and that they should have their needs ignored it uses all the labels that autistic people ask it doesn't. It says that even if an adult fits all the criteria of ADHD that if their parents arent available to say "yeah they sucked at school and were annoying" that you shouldn't diagnose them. The criteria for personality disorders, schizophrenia, and similar are all intentionally vague and/or exclusionary to one highly stereotyped set of symptoms. They literally admitted to trying to make the criteria for DID as specific and exclusive as possible because they wanted to remove it entirely because they believed people dxed with MPD before DID was coined did not deserve treatment.

The field of psychology started historically to abuse people, they were thrown into asylums and literally beaten and subjected to horrible conditions for any presumed mental illness. This actually has not changed very much at all, even in the last century a psychiatrist was caught physically abusing his patients and using the theory he made on DID to force them to keep coming to him for therapy. Psyche wards are notorious for mistreating patients there in every aspect and I've had psyche students tell me they believe that psychologists should have the right to physically harm patients. Children professionally dxed with autism are often physically harmed at school by their teachers, physical restraint is still used and it's killed multiple autistic students.

Children and teens in abusive homes have ableist parents often who may get violent or worsen the abuse or use a dx against them legally to trap them at home. Do you give them a pass for self dx? Except here's the thing you literally don't know who's being abused and who isn't and asking ppl that is really fucked up so you should be accepting all self dx to create a welcoming and safe space for them.

Physciatrists actually misdiagnose more than people mis-self-diagnose. Which isn't a reflection on the psychiatrist as much as the fact that people know their own experiences but they very often can't explain them. An example before I met someone who had OSDD1 and would explain it to me from first hand perspective no one would have ever suspected I had a dissociative disorder and was plural Because the only words I had for my experiences were "everything before a certain date literally wasn't me idk I'm just not the same person I was" "I'm a really good writer because I talk to characters in my head all day and they respond to things even when I'm not trying to think about them and they're real to me somehow idk lol" none of that sounds like DID but I was actually describing memory gaps from switches, internal communication and presence of fictives, etc. The best guest anyone had was depression and an overactive imagination. Self dxing is literally more accurate and accessible because people can look at the community and see the disorder explained from first hand experience.

Historically (but it's still happening in some cases) therapists would literally refuse treatment to anyone who talked to other people with their diagnosis. The case I'm thinking of is people with MPD (the dx that came before DID replaced it) would be refused therapy if they spoke to anyone else with MPD outside of therapy and even forbade them from going to support groups for survivors of incestual abuse because those groups advocated for the rights of people with MPD. To this day therapists often disrespect any and all ND/mentally ill communities because we happen to know our own literal lived experiences better than them.

Oh and prof dxes are often used against people legally so if anyone is in a minority group often targeted by police that potentially puts them in even more danger if they're arrested. Least we forget there's an entire field of study dedicated to criminalizing mental illness.

This isnt even half the reasons but I'm running out of spoons (I can source most of these things but I don't have the spoons so if anyone needs a source just ask)

I'm a firm believer that the need for prof dx not be pushed on everyone when it can have permanent and negative consequences and is no better than a self dx. If someone needs a diagnosis for access to medications, for financial support, or for any other legal reason then it very well may be worth the risk but they need to have the right to understand the consequences and make that decision. Imo it's professional dxes that should be not a last resort perse but it shouldn't even remotely be your first steps, your first steps are find the community and hear their actual lived experiences bc that will be so much clearer than anything a therapist who doesn't experience that thing can explain.

Also why do you care if people self dx? Why does their not having an Official Document saying they have their disorder bother you? I think it's deeply unsettling that you think everyone in the entire world needs YOUR approval to have something.

Jsyk the sentiment that self dx is lesser than prof dx is fostered by our capitalist nt society that's benefiting off of our abuse and systematic oppression so like you're literally helping us stay oppressed with this rhetoric.

If y'all really want to be progressive and anti-capitalist like most of this site does (and should) then that goes for disability justice too. Stop helping our own communities abuse and accept that not everyone has the luxury you apparently had to never be affected by your diagnosis ever.

#long post #outbox #negative #abuse tw #ableism tw #psychiatric ward tw #psych ward tw #police tw #ask to tag #self dx discussion #anyway if you think you personally approve who deserves a self dx then youre disgusting and need to figure something out for that power trip

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a-libra-writes · 4 years ago

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who do you think would prefer an s/o who’s charming, more of a people person, using their words to get what they want vs an s/o who’s more quiet, strategic, and plans and schemes to get what they want? is it a case of opposites attract, or would they want someone to compliment them? 👀

.......so i ended up having a lot of thoughts about this LOL

okay so i think this depends on the s/o’s morals! like you can be scheming to help others instead of hurting them. so let’s go with that bc i dont wanna brainstorm a low ethics/morality s/o (this makes me think of 7KPP, a fantastic visual novel that’s the only decent Court Drama Simulator vn i’ve come across). Also there’s a loooot of characters so imma just list the ones I have Strong Thoughts on and sort them by region oh lord what have you done my dork is showing

Northbois

So while I feel like Robb and Ned would prefer a more outgoing and charming sort of person ... I really can’t help but ship them with someone whose more cunning and can actually play the game of thrones. Like lord someone help these Starks because their intrigue score is 0 and they need someone protecting them from Tywin, Roose and Walder LOL. I can really see both father and son thinking their s/o is this sweet thing and not having a clue of how much scheming they’re actually doing to protect Winterfell... Ned would probs catch on after a while but Robb would just be blinded by love and devotion haha.

Sansa would probs want the first ideally, but as she gets older she’d greatly appreciate someone who has that sort of cunning and uses it for good purposes. Also she’d like a calm and steady personality to rely on.

Jory is a straight up honest guy to a fault, kinda like Ned, so he’d also prefer the first type of person and appreciate them more.

OKAY SO you’d think Roose would go for the second type but HEAR ME OUT. I think he’d go for both equally, or a mix of the two. Listen. I have a strong HC that he would be very attracted to someone who is his opposite in many ways - outgoing, charming, sweet and kind. If that person also happens to be cunning as hell and willing to manipulate anyone - even him - to protect what’s their’s, oof. He’s gone. I think he’d really get off on the idea of having an s/o who everyone is shocked he’s involved with bc “omg they’re sooo nice” and only he really knows their “other side”, so to speak. Realtalk I don’t think he’d go for someone just as morally awful as him bc he’d see them more as a threat than a potential partner.

Ramsay is a little shit that would also be attracted to the first kind of person but honestly needs the second type to keep his ass in line. That’s the sort of person who would figure him out and manipulate him accordingly so he isn’t skinning the goddamn neighbors. Also he wouldn’t give a damn about their morals so go off i guess just dont start any revolts in the north

VERY Northbois

Jon really doesn’t care for schemes, even if he acknowledges they’re useful, and he’d be attracted to someone who knows just what to say and is charismatic bc lord knows he’s struggled w that for a bit. Benjen really loves outgoing, charming and talkative peeps esp when they wiggle their way out of stuff or convince the upper command of the Watch to consider a different plan. He’ll be soooo attracted to that. Edd is kinda meh on both I’d feel? Like he’d prefer a quieter person but not a scheming sort, that’s too troublesome to deal with. I think he could come around to the first one eventually.

Mance super respects the second type, he finds it very attractive actually, especially when they start manipulating him into something and he catches them. Tormund is a dork and prefers outgoing people, totally doesn’t notice when he’s being taken in lol. He rlly hates the second sort of person, sees them as snakes.

Southbois

Edmure would absolutely be drawn to a gregarious and outgoing person! And if they can talk their way into or out of things thank god bc fishboy has a habit of putting his foot in his mouth. I really don’t think it’d work out with a schemer person bc of that Tully honor, and unlike Ned or Robb, Edmure would start to catch on (I don’t buy into the show characterization of Edmure like frack that he’s not an idiot). Brynden has a lot of experience and has seen a lot of BS, so he’d understand the risks and sacrifices his s/o would be making when they’re playing the game, and he’d really wish they wouldn’t!! Like yeah it’s to protect their family and friends but he wishes they didn’t have to do that. He wants to protect them on his own.

Brienne REALLY prefers someone whose honest and can talk their way in and out of things!! Like the Starks she’s very honorable and has no patience for lies and manipulating even if it’s for something good. It’d take a lot for her to trust and be attracted to that kind of person, they’d have to like... be very honest with her about what their plans are and why they’re doing them.

Kingslanding bois

oh lord Stannis okay so INITIALLY he’d be put off by both personalities for diff reasons - outgoing because socializing and diplomacy is something he just sucks at and the second one because holy hell he hates dishonesty and scheming. Now, he can admire a strategic and collected mind, but as soon as dishonorable plots roll in he starts side-eyeing. I think it would take some time for that latter personality to gain his trust, and if this is like... his wife we’re talking about, she’d probs have to scheme behind his back, even if it’s for his own sake. For an outgoing person, he could eventually befriend or fall for them once some common ground is found. He wouldn’t be able to admit how much he admires their people skills haha.

Davos understands that sometimes manipulating and scheming is needed and can be used for good, but personally he prefers a more diplomatic, out in the open approach. So the first type is def his kinda person. He could still befriend the second type as long as they’re not assholes, though.

Tywin would honestly work with both sides of the spectrum and in between, but ultimately, you’d have to understand who you’re dealing with. There’s no honor or high ground being involved with Tywin Lannister, and the s/o should expect to get dragged into his schemes, esp when he trusts them ... and that’s no easy feat. Ultimately it’s less of how you get what you want and more of ... what are you willing to do to get it. Pesky morals and all that.

Tyrion has had enough of his dad’s bullshit that he’d only be romantically involved with the first type, someone who uses sass and flattery like he does. He can still respect and befriend a more cunning person, though. Jaime also prefers the first type, he thinks it’s just because “oh I like outgoing and forward people” and not...”i’ve spent years dealing with lies and schemes from father and cersei”, yanno that old chestnut. Bronn definitely prefers gregarious and cheeky peeps, schemes go over his head and bore him.

Sandor dislikes both sorts of personalities for different reasons ... He’s offput by someone who would be very talkative and outgoing with him (like why are they talking to him wtf), and he also hates scheming and lying and all that, he’s seen too much of it. The first type has a better chance of befriending and getting close to him, the second not so much.

Petyr very much respects and admires both but like ... you know he’d prefer someone that he thinks he can outwit and manipulate, so probably more of the first type of personality because they seem less cunning and more of “just” a people person. Given his obsessive/yandere tendencies he probably wouldn’t notice he was being taken in by someone friendly and kind.

like okay weird thing to think about but just consider this... I really wonder what it’d be like if Robert had an s/o like the first one you mentioned. Not Cersei, certainly not his beloved Lyanna - a third party, a gracious and likeable queen that kinda makes up for his faults and she’s TRYING hard as hell. like idk if they’d ever fall in love but like idk i feel like his depression would be slightly lessened to have a partner that’s very beloved and tries to help him and put him in a good light in his subject’s minds. Am I making sense? She’s not perfect but she wants what’s best for the realm and if she’s gotta do it herself she will. IDK sorry this is a tangent, i think about major change AUs and their political consequences a lot

Heckin south n east bois

Margaery is a Big Gay and you can’t fight me on this, you will lose. She’s super attracted to the first kind of gal bc that’s def how she is herself! So she’d love to play those little word games with them. The second personality type she’d just write off as “eh quiet person” but once she got closer and began to realize their cunning and wittiness she’d def take an interest, esp if she found out about some good things they did. Then it’d be a classic “outgoing babe dating more reserved babe” and yall both would be VERY well-known in court. absolute power couple

Oberyn likes both equally! Especially if your motives are to help others and/or save your friends and family. He loves that kinda loyalty and he really admires someone who has a way with words and schemes in equal measure. Hell he does both himself. He might lean more toward an outgoing person just because that’s how he is too.

idk where to put Beric but he rlly likes the first kind of people!! He’d probs ask you to get supplies or money on the Brotherhood’s behalf, and he actually kinda likes it when he finds himself doing something you wanted cause you asked so nicely or talked him into it ..... Thoros calls him a simp and it’s true ok don’t bully he can’t help it

& lastly Essosssss

So, I think Daenerys would be a lot more drawn to the second kinda person. First of all: Very mysterious, ooh. Secondly, she’d appreciate a cool head that will tell her the truth and is willing to do more unsavory things bc they believe in her so much. Obvs she would need someone with unquestionable loyalty, and once she tests and is reassured of that loyalty, then she could start some kinda romance. She’s def attracted to someone who can get shit done that way.

Jorah is a big opposite in that he’s kinda had to do that unsavory stuff himself and is still ashamed by it, and generally doesn’t trust people like Littlefinger and Varys and Illyrio, etc so he’d prefer someone who is just genuine and talks their way out of things. Also yall know him he can’t resist once he starts liking someone like cmon

Grey Worm is absolutely in the first camp too but for diff reasons! Scheming and all that shit just makes him nervous and he distrusts it, even if it’s for Daenerys’ sake. He just wouldn’t associate with the person ... Someone more outgoing would definitely fluster him more but at least he could feel like he could trust them. Missandei can go either way - she knows the power in both diplomacy and manipulation, and would likely admire and be pulled to someone who uses both to help people.

sorry i got so wordy and a bit repetitive lol both are like, my fav kinda character archtypes, esp for court settings.

#libra says #libra says A LOT OF SHIT LOL oops #yall can send in stuff like this anytime idgaf its interesting #libra headcanons #got x reader #got imagines #game of thrones x reader

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exfriends · 3 years ago

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I'm not allowed to not know how to do something. I have to figure it out, because if I don't figure it out, it fails, and when it fails, there's no one to help put it together again. This is a piece of real life venting that I want to print out and give my ACOA sponsor to try and help me move through the resentments I feel towards my partner and how I was raised.

My apartments ceiling is leaking severely. There's an issue with the new roof they just installed. I take off work, I put out buckets, I call maintenance. Eventually, my neighbors ceiling caved in. I have to evacuate. I get the cats, get my valuables, and I sit in my car for four hours trying to figure out where I'm supposed to go because my partner is the kind of person who never had to figure shit out. He just clings and gets in my face and tries to comfort with physical touch and I just want to scream "I UNDERSTAND THAT YOU HAVE NOT A SINGLE PROBLEM SOLVING BONE IN YOUR BODY SO CAN YOU PLEASE JUST GO SOMEWHERE ELSE SO I CAN FIX EVERYTHING AGAIN THANKS" because at every opportunity i am reminded that he lived a life where he could trust, where he could ask for help and actually get it, and i am the wounded self trying to cope with my unmanageable trauma by controlling every single thing around me and he doesn't have to experience that kind of pain and it makes me angry because why did i have to go through it all? why the fuck did i have to get beaten regularly/emotionally abused/berated for years until i crashed and moved out so quickly that i didnt even know where i was going. i arranged every element of us moving here because i had reached my bottom and i couldn't wait anymore. and because of my haste i am exactly what my aunt believes me to be; someone who doesn't think, who is stupid, who rushes into things because i want it when i want it and i want it now, but it never feels that way to me because how could it?

telling my cousin that i was moving out, he told me i was making a terrible financial decision moving into an apartment bc i wasn't building any equity, and i screamed at him that at what point am i supposed to consider my own emotional and physical safety for once, rather than my investments. steve knew what was happening to me because the last time i got beat and kicked out i stole her car keys and wouldn't return them until she gave me my medication and allowed me to pack my things. thrown out again in my pajamas, i took a fucking uber to the AAA that had my car at the time, and drove to my partners house where i cried on the floor as my phone blew up and everyone told me to go home. and when i told him it happened to me again, he downplayed it. "you know she just goes through these things, she gets frustrated" he couldn't understand, wouldn't understand, because he saw it as a choice this whole time. how could it be a choice, when i know she needs me? but she would never admit that she did need me, she always said that she didnt and would go through these phases where she demanded that i go and i still believed that she did need me because how could she not? the last time she tried to hurt me again i was in my pajamas and i stood up for myself and refused to leave until i could put clothes on. she beat me and destroyed my bathroom because the beating wasn't good enough because she wasn't strong anymore. i got what i wanted, i got to change clothes and leave. and when i left, i went to my partners house again and slept. but always with the boundary. you can't stay here. i don't know how to help you. why is it that when i do ask for help, for someone to take care of me, i'm met with the things they can't do for me? when i was walking around town bleeding from my hands when she clawed me years prior, i asked for help because i had no way of getting anywhere, i only had my phone that time, i didn't think six steps ahead to hide money in my car or when she got mad to stuff my phone down my shirt with 20 bucks in the case--and the person i asked couldn't help me because they had to work, they couldn't drive, didn't know anyone that could come and get me. the other person i asked stated "that sucks im sorry thats happening to you" and then proceeded to change the subject.

I ACTUALLY FOUND THE CONVO WHICH WAS AWESOME BECAUSE IT VALIDATED HOW THE FUCK I FELT AT THE TIME

now the home i grew up in is exactly the way i left it in march, except now there's more damage. every place i hid is exactly how i left it, but my aunt's pain is leaking all over the house, there is so much mess and so much hoarding and she's overwhelmed with it all and the dogs spend all their time in the kitchen because she never comes home and its unfair that i chose myself over the wellbeing of that household i feel like sometimes, because it really was my choice to leave even though i felt like my choice was obvious.

and today, in my apartment with holes in the ceiling (that are now leaking water- by the way) my aunt texts me. "i am here for you". and i cry again because despite everything that has ever happened to me, i feel like i am doomed to want her approval and praise for every decision that i make.

"hey, you know, even though i am panicking, i know i did everything right, i took the video, i called the emergency line, i tarped the electronics, like all things considered i knew what to do for the most part and i'm really proud of myself for that"

"yeah, it's good that you knew to do that."

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damntender · 5 years ago

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BECAUSE I HAVE SO MUCH LOVE TO GIVE . okay, first off I JUST HIT 100 FOLLOWERS after a matter of like 6 days... how??? ---- though i’m completely unsure why people stick around, or love me or even want to roleplay with my trash ass. i’ve not had an easy time with some horrendous experiences in this community and i wanted to give some love to the people that keep me staying, because all i wanna do is yell about them all the time. azalea has been a crutch to me in the hardest times of my life, i created her after the loss of my grampa and all my anguish and pain went into trying to do something positive, and with the amount of loss in my life, it was nice to do something beneficial. and i look back to creating her, and meeting all these incredible individuals along the way, and it’s honestly a blessing. i wasn’t going to bring her back, but the response i’ve had, the love, the hype has honestly melted my heart and i could never ever thank anyone enough for that. but here, have me shouting about my love for you all in a post <333

IF I MISS ANYONE, I’M TRULY SORRY. IT’S MY ATTENTION DEFICIT DISORDER FUCKING ME OVER. but i love you all <3333

so some special mentions ( or a lot bc i can’t CHOOSE ), these are people i talk to regularly, that i consider my best, and closest friends on this hellsite. you don’t know how much impact you’ve had on my life, but i have to let you know. they are in NO particular order, just the list i’ve written down on my notebook, because i have add and it’s a fucking party in my brain lmao. :)))

@damncockroach / @damnbrazen ----- becks, my love, my aNGEL, my bestie. you don’t even need me to say how much you mean to me, or how much i love you because i try to make sure i remind you constantly. you came into my life in a time that i really fucking needed someone, someone to show me what true best friends are, to pick me up, to be there and just ??? never leave. someone i can count on constantly, and you’re always willing to help me. to shower me with hype and love, and i’ve lost count how many times i’ve cried down the phone to you and you’ve calmed me down, and given the best advice, or made me feel valid in my emotions. you don’t know the impact you have on people becks, you’re honestly one of the best people i’ve met in my entire life. i know they say you get soul mates in forms of best friends, and i truly believe you’re mine. you’ve been there for me through some of the most horrendous times in my entire life, and you stood by me and that in itself deserves a medal. i love you more than words could ever possibly express, and i count myself extremely lucky to call you my best friend, i honestly appreciate you so much. you just get me, we can communicate in person with just looks, and that proves our bond tbh. you’re my rock. getting to know you, to know you out of writing and exist in a writing world with you is incredibly special, and like you said in your original tags: in fantasy and reality, till death do us part. i don’t think i’ve ever had a friend who is so selfless, so down to earth, and so compassionate and puts people before themselves until you. i’ll always be here to remind you what a BABE you are, how incredibly vital you are to not only me but to this world. your one of the good ones. and your talent?? is fucking astounding, i get to be inspired by you and write with you and just learn from your insane gift, because you breathe life into words. you gift me with replies, with characters and i scream over them forever, and i can’t even say how in awe i am of you. the love and depth you put into crafting your ocs, or putting them into canons too, just is crazy, and i will never stop yelling about you. you deserve all the hype, both in the roleplay world and the real world. five years of friendship aNGEL !!!! i can’t wait for us to be besties when we’re 80 and can bitch about people still. what i’m trying to say is, you’ve saved my life, more times than you know, and i wouldn’t still be breathing without you. i owe you a load for that, and i love you endlessly, more than words could ever capture. you make this rpc worth being in, because with you beside me, i can face anything. i love you bubba, so much. i’m so proud of the person you’ve become, who you are, you’re a diamond and i am blessed to know you. keep being your kickass self <3333

@damnbrutal / @fearmer / @phoenique ----- lunaaa , my love , the sweetest of angels. my lil norwegian babe !!!! is there even words to sum you up either??? let me start by saying how i can’t encapsulate how sweet you are, you’re like sunshine personified. literally, the brightest light and you deserve the fucking world, honestly. meeting you was always meant to be, i truly believe that, and i can’t ever say how much i love you. you have been there to capture me when i fall, to offer insane words of wisdom that comfort me, to bless me with your presence when i’m breaking over voice chat. when my grampa was dying, or had died, you were the biggest comfort, you have no idea how much your presence, your pure heart helped me out of such a horrendous place. you got how i was feeling, you were sensitive to the subject, and careful and you put your heart and soul into bringing me into a lighter place. i can’t even express how much i’m gonna give you a MASSIVE squeeze when we see each other finally!!!! you are one of the best human beings i’ve ever met, just the most down to earth, so pure, so willing to help others, and i can’t ever thank you or yell about you enough. you give such a HUGE amount to your friends, you’re always there to lend a ear, to offer us support across the ocean, and i truly can’t even express how much that means. you’re a fucking diamond, okay??? let’s get yelling about your talent, your creativity will forever astound me. from your writing to your graphics, you’re truly fucking gifted, and i’ve learned so much off you. you’re a fucking inspiration in itself. you’ve always shown me that i have the strength to overpower such negative forces in my life, and keep going, and i can’t ever thank you enough for that honestly, like i don’t think words will ever be as sufficient enough. you’ve put such love into your original characters, like mazia owns my aSS you know this, she is so fucking important to not only azalea but to me. because you blessed me with this incredibly creative and in depth crafted character and i love her like she’s my own character. you can truly see how much you love writing her, and the craft and everything and i truly believe you’re one of the best writers on this site. our babies and their bond make me SOB, like they hit me right in the heart and i still weep over how mazia comes down to find out her best friend, her soul mate is gone. they have a bond that WE have, we bled that into them, i can see that so clearly, like you’re my person. and i adore u <333 let’s not forget about the love of theo’s life either, odETTE. he adores her. god i get emo just thinking about them, and every single one of our babies. it’s INSANE to me that someone who lives across the world can mean more to me than the majority of the friends i’ve known in real life. you’re just SO important to me. i just love you a whole lot, words won’t ever capture it, and i appreciate you, i’m so grateful. thank u for being u. <3333

@hewolf ------- ANI, the loml. while we haven’t wrote on here, it didn’t feel right NOT including you, because you’ve been in my life since day one of roleplay. like when i look back for a constant in my life, there you are, making me laugh and being your INSANE, and down to earth self. god, how am i ever supposed to put into words just how much i love you?? like you know it knows NO bounds. i don’t think there’s a person other than family for me who’s been there for me through everything in my life, from start to finish of all the bullshit i’ve been through, other than you. you were there when i got my heart broken for the first time, when i lost my gran, grampa and my other grampa, when i had a miscarriage, you have been there and picked me up when i felt like i didn’t wanna be here anymore. and you did it like it was NOTHING, like it was easy, and i’m so inspired by you as a person. by your strength, and you’re honestly the most hilarious person i’ve ever met. like i can’t say how much i look forward to your snapchats every day, how much they make me smile and laugh, especially in our current predicament of the pandemic. you’re a true joy, and you’ve been there to support me always. can you believe we’ve been besties for ten years next year???? like it’s crazy to me. i just know that you’re someone i’m gonna have in my life forever, and i don’t ever want to NOT have you around. i know lately you’ve had the WORST time, and i can relate to it, all i wanna do is be there as best i can, and it’s hard with shit going on, i wish i could drive up to you and just give you a squeeze and try and take your mind off it all. but i can’t. and that sucks !!!! god, do you remember where we started???? facebook fuckin roleplay??? i cringe at the thought but they are times i truly hold dear to my heart, because i look at the development we’ve both had over the years as writers, though you’ve ALWAYS been an incredible writer. i look back at myself and i’m like?? who fuckin let her write??? you’re the reason i joined tumblr roleplay, like you dragged my ass to it, and it’s insane how long it’s been, how much my life has changed. you’re so down to earth, and out of everyone i’ve met on this hell site, and in life in general, you’re one of the most REAL individuals i’ve met and it’s so inspiring??? you’re just so eloquent in your writing and you should have MORE FAITH in yourself because bubby you’re so talented. i adore you so much, words will never capture it. i know that i can legit just ring you like i have previous, crying down the phone and you’ll be there. you’ve helped me through so much and i value you so much, you’re a diamond, one of the best individuals i’ve met. you deserve the WORLD, all the happiness, because you are a fucking light, you’re one of the good ones in life. i love you bubby <33333

@racointeur ----- BEE, my baby, one of the best friends i’ve ever had. god, where do i start with you ??? without choking up because that’s gonna be hard. let me first start by saying, i’m so proud of you, so proud of your strength, because you’ve been through some of the hardest shit as of late and i wish more than anything i could be there to cuddle you, to support you better than i could here. no one ever deserves what you’ve been through, but ESPECIALLY NOT you, you are the kindest person with the BIGGEST heart of gold. all you do for others, is so clear to see, because you’ve always put people before yourself and it truly shows how GOOD of a person you are. you came into my life when i needed someone too, we bonded instantly over shadowhunters and our love for our babies jace / izzy, and instantly a bond came and i can’t ever explain how vital you are to me now. days could pass or even weeks, and when we talk?? it’s like no time has passed. there’s never any obligation or anger if we both fall off the grid. you KNOW how important our friendship is to me. you’re one of my fave individuals to write with. we’ve facetimed crying over the hardships of life, or even laughed until our sides hurt, i remember that one night when we spoke about simon biting izzy and how we were howling with laughter. it’s a memory that legit sticks in my mind, and makes me all warm and fuzzy. in this life, i’ve realised you’ve gotta stay close to the people who feel like sunlight, the truly GOOD people and you’re one of them. i know i can always message you, WITH any issue, or just to yell about our babies and you’ll be accepting and that in itself shows how deep our friendship goes, you’re so accepting, so supportive and i just love you more than words. your writing is something i admire so much, you’re so talented, so eloquent and i just ??? aspire to be that gifted okay, you can see your love for each and every character in your threads and i think EVERYONE should go love on you, because you deserve the hype, and the love the most. you’ve helped me down from ledges where i legit didn’t want to live anymore, you’ve put up with my bullshit and i can NEVER thank u enough for that. here we are THREE years almost four years later, still stuck to each other like glue bc u bet i’m not letting you GO at all, and still best friends. i admire you so much, i learn so much from you from your strength and i don’t think i could ever say enough what you mean to me. you’re just purely talented, an incredible individual and i can’t wait to meet you when this shit is all over and i’m finished with uni so i can fly out to see you and give you a MASSIVE squeeze. you’re one of my fave individuals ever in life and i just adore you so so so much. i love you bee. you’re honestly world class, and just a joy to know. <33333

@lethaelite ------ MANDI , you superhuman babe !!!!! gosh, i love you endlessly, i can’t even begin to express, but it feels like we’ve been friends forever and i honestly can’t imagine a time without you in my life and i ???? don’t want to. you’re one of the most intelligent individuals i’ve ever met, like you can see it so much in your writing, you put so much into the characters. like clarke???? i accept nO other portrayal than yours, because you just know her so much, at this point?? she’s your oc. i love writing with her, and with octavia too, like octavia’s relationship with azalea is so important and it melts me, i just can’t help but get soft over them all the time. how azalea has broken down o’s walls. how they’re ride or die, all of it is fucking adorable. and SUCH development. i’m so glad becks dragged ur ass to tumblr so you can showcase your talent, everyone needs to KNOW how gifted you are!!!! let’s circle back to your talent, let’s talk about you. you’re a diamond okay? a pure selfless individual with the biggest heart, and i’m so blessed to get to know you, to be able to call you one of my best friends, and you’ve embraced me as a person, as a writer since we’ve met, and i can’t ever thank you enough for that. you’ve listened to me yell about some of the hardest times of my life, you’ve listened and understood and kept it to yourself and it means everything and more to me. let’s not FORGET that you’re a fierce badass individual, you’re so strong and i’m so proud of all you’ve battled through, because i get to learn from your experience and guidance and words. i look up to you SO much, i wish i had your outlook on life, like i wish i had your strength because it’s incredible bubba. honestly!!! you don’t realise the impact you’ve had either, you have helped me through so much. you’re kind, down to earth, and charismatic and hilarious and just a fucking joy to have around. i can’t wait for you to come over here, because honestly we’re gonna have some insane memories to look back on, and you deserve that break and a new surrounding more than anyone honestly. i just can’t ever yell about you enough, you’re beyond talented, you have the BIGGEST heart and you’re one of the good ones in a world of bad. i can’t wait for all the threads we get to do, all the character development and everything. i know i can throw anything at you thread wise and you’ll be down for it, i love how much you YELL about threads and the reactions, because it truly shows me your excitement!! i just adore you so much and i can’t ever thank you for being you, for impacting my life how you have, and i’m thankful and appreciative to get you to be in my life. i LOVE you <3333

@damnpain / @armyranger ------ VIC ------- god where do i begin with you ???? i used to ALWAYS fangirl over you, like i would be heart eyes at your blogs from far away because i was always terrified to approach because your level of talent fucking astounds me. like you honestly have no clue how much i look up to you as a person, you honestly are another whole level of talent. and now i’ve gotten to know you, and you’ve quickly become one of my best friends because you have the sweetest fucking heart, you honestly make being on tumblr a pleasure, and your incredibly soft and kind heart is something i’m so thankful to get to witness. we’ve bonded over our own hardships both irl and in the community and it’s nice having someone who GETS it, who understands exactly where i’m coming from, it’s nice to know i’m not alone. you’re like my very own hand to hold, and i value you so fucking much honestly. you’re honestly a sweetheart, and you deserve the literal WORLD. you make me laugh so much, and you are so welcoming and knowing i can just yell at you about our babies, really makes my day and i’m so thankful you get as excited as i do. apollo literally OWNS my ass, you’ve put your entire heart into him and he is so important to azalea, so vital to her and i can’t wait to develop them and their relationship more because it’s something i’m so excited about. god don’t get me started on how HEARTBREAKING his story is, his backstory makes me well up with tears, poor baby deserves such a break, he’s the cutest angel, and i love him. as i love ALL of your ocs, you know this. i’m always gonna be here to hype you up, because you’re just outstanding, a true fucking icon. i remember how much you inspired me from when i saw your max blog so getting to call you one of my best friends now is !!!! amazing to me, but also, you’ve calmed me down when i’m spiralling, listened to my problems and issues and been happy to deal with them and it just shows how much of a selfless person you are. you are always more than happy to help, and i love you endlessly and more. and i’m so thankful we found each other even in the wake of all the shit i’ve been through lately, because you’ve become a rock to me, i adore you so much, your incredible nature, sweet and welcoming and i know i can talk to you about everything. thank you for being your amazing, sweet, and truly extraordinary self, because you honestly DESERVE the world, all the happiness and stuff. i know i’ve found another best friend for life in you, you’re an angel. i love love love you vic, keep being YOU, because you’re just out of this world, a true good person. A DIAMOND <333333

@tragedyhymns / @damnbrain ------ SUN !!!! my sweet angel, god how do i even begin to describe you or put into words my love for you ???? everytime i talk to you, you make my heart swell because you’re just so fucking sweet. you’re beyond considerate and just one of the nicest individuals i’ve ever met in this hellish community. you’ve been nothing but a support to me, and i don’t ever want us to part. i’ve kept you close from the moment we met in the shadowhunters fandom over three years ago now, and i’m sorry to say but you’re not getting away from me, ever. i just adore you with my entire heart. i’m so proud of the person you are , i’m so proud that i GET to call you a best friend of mine . let me say i’m SO fucking proud of you for kicking ass with your education , like even when it feels like everything is getting too much and you’re having so much going on ooc??? you power through like the WARRIOR you are, and i’m beaming with pride over you. because honestly, if there’s anyone who deserves to succeed in life??? it’s you. your talent is astounding, we’ll come to your writing, but your GRAPHICS???? like you’re an ASSET to that career you’re going to have. you’re going to have such an insane career, i am always taken aback by what you can make and create, like share some of that talent pls. never LET anyone bring you down. you’re truly fucking remarkable. i also have to commend your writing talent, because you bring characters to life with such a love, such a depth and admiration that i am always in awe of you. matty and cris are by far my favorite babies, like matty is so vital to azalea and the story we have created for them is one of my favourites, like it is so IMPORTANT to me, i can’t even thank you enough for it. i also have to yell about how much you took on by creating ash, and making him your own, and i love being affiliated with you. you’re so eloquent, so in depth and so talented, you bleed EVERYTHING into your writing and graphics and it shows. you’re a treasure. you mean everything and more to me, you’re just a fucking angel, i love you. you’re a light —- i appreciate you so much and i won’t ever be able to thank you for that . you’ve made me smile on the most horrific of days , you’ve been there to listen when things are falling apart . you’ve been there through a lot, and i love you endlessly. just know how important you are to me, i will forever be here to rave about you as a person, your talent. never leave me o k ?? because i’ll actually fucking cry because you mean so much to me!!!! never forget how loved , how incredible you are , and how much we all STAN you i love you, you fucking cutie. <3333

@damnsamurai / @iswarholy / @skailante ----- ZAWN !!!!! god,,, i love YOU. i have gotten the opportunity to have you in my life for the past three years and even though we lost touch??? it’s like no TIME has passed, because you’ve embraced me, thrown nothing but love at me and just been a fucking angel. you’re one of the good ones on this site, like we reconnected and within like three days i had made an oc to be affiliated with yours because i fucking ADORE you. my opinion of you since we first met, hasn’t changed. i thought you were truly blessed with an astounding talent then, and if anything, i’m even more convinced of that now, because i am just constantly in awe of your characters, of your portrayal of octavia because holy fuck babe, it’s so GOOD, so indepth. you truly bleed complete depth and understanding into her, as if she’s your actual character and not jroths or the original writers. actually, let’s say she’s yours because you show her more fucking love, lets be real here. let me also tell you, how much your little messages about how much you love me on discord everyday, they truly make my day. because i’ve had a fucking horrendous time as of late with some shitty times irl and in the community and you’ve become a rock. you’ve shown me there’s some people left who are intrinsically kind, who have nothing but a GOOD regard to people. you’re someone who deserves the literal world, because you’re just a fucking diamond, just pure through and through. and your talent??? god i love writing our babies saff and orion, we created them, wrote them and i was hooked instantly, like i am complete trash for our babies and for YOU, because you’re so beyond talented, so gifted. i am shook at you all of the time, please TEACH me your ways, pls pls. i also know that i can approach you to yell about things, or throw muse posts at you, and you’ll be accepting. thank you for embracing me, for being so accepting, so sweet to me and an astounding friend, i count you as one of my best friends. i honestly don’t think words could ever say how grateful i am for you, but i hope this makes you smile. you’re a credit to this fandom, and i can’t wait to write more with you, to yell more and for this beautiful friendship to continue. i love you, bIG UP THE RIDDEN FAM, love you always, please never forget how truly extraordinary you are, because i’ll always be here to tell you. i don’t want to be in this fandom ever without YOU <3333

@waldenborn / @geneticassassin ----- LILLY --------- U ANGEL… i don’t even know how i can ever express my true gratitude for you, for always being there when i need someone, for being your truly amazing self. and also for embracing azalea from the very beginning when i made her, i was such a heart eyes fan girl over you because damn… helo is so well crafted, so in depth and just everything i aspire to create within my own oc’s. you have always truly thought him through, put so much love and creativity into him and that in itself has always astounded me, i think i’ll always be someone who fangirls over you. i was terrified to reach out at first, just because i’m a ball of anxiety and you always made me completely at ease, and even when we go weeks without talking, without interacting at all, it’s like NO time has passed. we just pick up as we left off, and i know there’s never ANY pressure and it makes me feel safe, and like i can truly be myself. you’re truly world class, and i can never thank you for all the love and support you’ve given me, honestly. i don’t think i could ever put it into words, but you mean everything to me and to a zillion more people in this fandom, you’re a big ball of sunshine, of love, and you’re a true angel to have around. A CREDIT. i can never thank you for accepting me, hyping me up and wanting to write with me, honestly writing with you makes me SUPER happy because i get to craft such amazing character relationships with you, but also because i get to be astounded by your incredible replies all of the time. i get so !!!! at seeing you on the dash bc dATS my babyyyyy. our development with azalea / helo always melts me, from them meeting in mount weather, to falling for each other and then facing the end of the world together, living their peaceful life on earth for six years, undisturbed. they deserved that happiness !!!! helo is so important to azalea, like he’s a huge part of her life, and i love our talks about them, and you always yelled at me about how much you loved my characters even when i wasn’t writing azalea on tumblr anymore. i always felt that support from you, and you have no idea how much it helped me out of so many dark places. i also adored writing bellamy / gabby with you because they own my aSS, and octavia and helo because hearing all your headcanons about his love of octavia and how protective of me always BLEW my mind. fancy sharing some of that talent, please???? i am just forever in awe of you. i count myself lucky to know someone like you. the world needs more GOOD souls like you. just know how much of an impact on my life you’ve had, you deserve the hype you talented lil baby. I LOVE YOU <33333

@damnstory / @azgedaspy ----- KAT ---- u sWEET angel <3333 first off, let me YELL about how much of a fucking vital individual you are to this community, like while we don’t have to ask permission to be part of the “damn” family, you’ve brought together a group of writers, and everyone fucking ADORES you because you’re down to earth. you’re so sweet, and so fucking lovely. like i don’t think words even capture my adoration of you. from the moment we met, you did nothing but embrace me, nothing but BUILD me up, keep reminding me how much i was a strong person, or a zillion and one other sweet things you said. i can never thank you enough for that, as someone who’s really been through it in the fandom with people that i didn’t deserve or ask for, it was nice for someone to validate me and make me feel like ???? i was wanted around. you helped my mental state more than words ever could truly express, i love you endlessly for that, as it shows just HOW good of a person you are. you have one of the kindest hearts i’ve met, and your talent forever leaves me taken aback. you know i’m so trash for your echo, like the ONLY echo i’ll accept, i’ll be honest. like at this rate, she’s your character in my eyes, because wow, the depth, the love, the UNDERSTANDING you’ve put into her. it just is incomparable. and now you’re bringing the loml bellamy blake to life, and gOD DAMN you’re so fucking good at him, you never make any excuses for his behaviour, you hold him accountable and i love throwing angsty threads of my ocs, or charas calling him out on his bullshit because you know i’m a SLUT for some angst. you bring him to life, and it’s so brilliant, like truly you’re a talent, so in depth and so much effort goes into it, and it’s appreciated, it’s something i ADMIRE, you deserve all the hype and more. you’re one of the best writers i’ve ever come across, and i have no other choice but to STAN, always and forever. you showed me that there’s some good left on this site . you showed me that i can still make friends that i trust and love , and to never be intimidated to talk to people, because we both know i’ve been terrified to talk to people before. i always fangirled over you before and i STILL do, you’re just a fucking angel who deserves the entire world and more. like truly a treasure, i count you as one of my best friends on this site, a person who is so encompassingly good, that it makes the community a JOY to be in. i love you kat, keep being your incredible self, and throwing your talent into the community, because i’ll always be here to yell about it. you’re just world class and i love you so much. <3333

@damnbetray ------ BEAN, god if there’s anyone who’s a fucking CUTIE in this fandom, it’s YOU. i can’t ever express how much i love you or how much you make me laugh. you are just beyond talented, i can’t wait to write with you and develop our characters together. but more than anything, you’re just a SWEETHEART, who has validated how i’ve felt lately, you’ve made me feel at ease when my world was falling apart. you’ve stayed and HYPED me up, made me feel empowered to do what’s BEST for me, and made sure to tell me i’m doing what’s right and i can never thank you enough for that. you’ve got the kindest heart, like truly, i can’t even express how much i adore you, words will never EVER encompass that enough. you’re one of the sweetest babes i’ve met and i LOVE getting to yell about things to you, like spending the very late hours of the evening with you on voice chat, laughing our heads off about how stupid our languages or hometowns are. like comparing sayings, it honestly made my night. after such discomfort i’ve experienced, i can’t even explain how much that means to me, getting some company, someone who UNDERSTANDS my horrendous hysteria. you deserve the WORLD bubby, honestly. you’re the cutest babe. and your accent is SO ADORABLE, i want it... i’m jealous. also, your ocs are so well crafted, i am in awe at your talent to bring characters to life, how you’ve put your love, soul and heart into creating them, it shows how much you adore writing and how much they mean to you and i can’t wait for our soft grounder babies to meet. azalea will LOVE on her so much, like just you WAIT. i’m so grateful for our little squad, not only making me feel at ease in this fandom, but being a support network i so desperately needed, like we ALL need that love. and i don’t care WHAT you say but ur a fucking talent at not only writing but fucking graphics bc what you created was legit fucking INSANELY incredible, like i’m jealous pls teach me ur ways, thank u. you’ve been a fucking angel to me since we met , and i can’t imagine life without you and i don’t wanna . it’s like we’ve been friends forever , and i love that . you’re a friend i’m blessed to have. thank you for being you. i LOVE U so much, and i’ll be here ALWAYS to hype you up because you deserve the hype, all of it. soak it up <3333

OTHERS I LOVE, that if i had the energy to write MORE about i would but they’re my squad and I ADORE them, they truly inspire me so much, and i value all of them, like as MONTY would say, the GOOD guys : @mythso ; @mythcals ; @mieczlw ; @heroach ; @roseguided ; @buriedwoes ; @hevives ; @trageday ; @mudwoven ; @coyoted ; @pahriahs ----- you ALL deserve the world, your talent truly astounds me and your presence in this fandom has truly not only melted my heart but made this place a safe space for me, a place of warmth. you ALL are aware of how much i love you from how much i’ve yelled at you previously, and if i could fight through this chronic illness pain right now to talk about you all individually i WOULD, but my meds aren’t working. your writing is incomparable in talent, like the depth, the love you put in, and how you’re all so DOWN to earth, such softies and so welcoming and accepting of me???? i can’t thank you enough. you all deserve ever OUNCE of hype. like you accepted azalea, or any other muse i’ve written and that in itself means everything and more to me, i don’t think words will ever truly express. for someone who’s insanely anxiety riddled after some shit ooc, and in the community, it melts me when i find people with nothing but GOOD intentions, because it proves that there are STILL good people out there. i count you as my closest friends, and i adore writing with you and can’t wait to do it more. just know you’ve had the biggest of impacts on me, that by just BEING you, and sharing your gift, you’ve made me happy, made this place ALL the more better, and words will never do you justice. you’re all SWEETHEARTS, and a credit to the community. i ADORE you and love you all so so so much. <3333

MORE PEOPLE I LOOK UP TO AND WANT TO INTERACT WITH , BUT I’M BUT AN ANXIETY RIDDLED BABE SO PLEASE THROW YOURSELVES AT ME : --- @commaender ; @commandied ; @azhefa ; @azgona ; @astralgenius ; @brotheir ; @darkseen ; @damnfoxed ; @damnbrace ; @damnloyal ; @shenomaly ; @damnbird ; @damnguard ; @damnalone ; @earthsheir ; @earthreina ; @fatalruin ; @futuresees ; @fatalrisk ; @genetictraitor ; @glassae ; @graunfisop ; @holykissed ; @hqppier ; @heroicis ; @imperrator ; @knowsdeath ; @komfolaui ; @laendon ; @lovkyna ; @lovefray ; @mortaele ; @mortaele ; @nextleveldamaged ; @otvblake ; @puresthearted ; @pyrorize ; @praesaes ; @preytend ; @runegiven ; @sunhken ; @tribrids ; @warstroyed ; @wanlidas ; @avgustia .

if i missed anyone !!! i’m sorry, my add makes it super hard to REMEMBER and focus, BUT i adore you and look up to you so much <333

#i. out of character. / appreciation post .#!!!!!!!!#i love you ALL #thank u for embracing me #for making me feel welcome #i love u all #<3333 #loss mention tw #loss tw

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rhydium · 4 years ago

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Info dumbo about the StarFinite story?

aright u asked for it anon GET READY [cracks knuckles] this is gonna be long so obligatory cut in 3, 2........

...1!

so the uh, the au! the story!! w/e yall wanna call it! full disclaimer, i only began working on this whole thing a while ago, but it's totally taken over my fukn brain. like, we're talking big hyperfixation hrs. am i cringe for being this invested in my own content? yes? cool i do not Care >:3€

i should also throw it out there real quick that i am kin w/ infinite, n this is actually one of my two canons (both of which are my own aus lmfao wow). i didn't go into it expecting it to be but sfsfsgdfs here we are ig!! for that reason it's got extra importance to me n this definitely contributes to the euphoria i get from it!! it's a lil odd writing ur own canon,,? but i kinda just go w/ the flow!

the au n, the story that i will start Eventually, revolves around infinite n starline (obvi) n it's honestly just ... the tl;dr is big healing momence n, what's this? uh oh sisters !!! they are falling in love 😳😳😳

uhhhh so infinite is an android, made by eggman. that's like, the most notable canon divergence here! super important context to have. i've got a whole big theory on the possibility of sega originally intending infinite to be an artificial being (which i explored in the works for my Other canon too), stemming from not only the scene in forces wherein infinite comments on sonic's "data", but a line of dialogue from tails in one of the last stages of the game where he Literally Says "so this is where eggman built infinite". that ... i mean. that contrasts w/ episode shadow pretty hard don't it?? would explain why that dlc was so rushed, n the comic too. ANYWAY adsfsfs um that's a seperate ramblepost. yeah!!!

they are also agender n use they/them (primarily) as well as he/him!! so i'll be refering to them w/ those pronouns!

after the war, infinite is taken in by the resistance n, instead of being dismantled, they're basically given a chance to rehabilitate themselves. it's agreed that they won't be reprogrammed, as despite the potential risks, it feels wrong to do so; like a violation of their free will, individuality n thinking. if infinite is to be a good person, it's not gonna be bc other ppl recreated their entire personality, it's gonna be bc it's what they themselves truly want. robot ethics idk man!! u can't tell me that sonic n co wouldn't offer this to infinite if they offered it to metal in IDW,,,, i am Standing By This!!!

it's, yknow, a bit rocky, at first. infinite has to really fight the urge to return to eggman (something they already tried once, before the resistance found them; they were cast out). it's a struggle against what they were built to do, against giving into unhealthy familiarity over facing a, while healthier, unfamiliarity. new faces, a new life, turning their back on their mission n creator, it's like, a lot.

they work for/with the sonic crew, rebuilding the world they tore down as deemed fitting justice, being closely monitored for a bit as a natural precaution. as it becomes apparent infinite truly no longer has any ambition to harm others (they don't have much ambition for anything, really), they're then granted more freedom, n start taking on more important missions!! it at least gives them something to do, keeps them occupied. they have issues with dissociation, unreality, whether they're truly a real person bc, well, android. feeling purposeless, n a lack of worth, especially. a need to prove themselves. heavy stuff. i'll kinda go into that a bit more in a sec. their work grounds them, if only temporarily.

n soooooo... IDW comic stuff happens. metal virus time. starline gets kicked out of the empire.

now, as the comics are ongoing, n as this is already an au, there's gonna be divergence, n i must admit i haven't planned out all that yet. there's a lot i have to consider!! infinite being w the resistance/restoration is a big game changer ... tho i Do believe that they were absent, likely on a far out mission during most of the chaos. eggman doesn't know abt them, nor does starline or anyone else other than the sonic crew; n some civilians that recognise them.

i'm not 100% sure of Exactly when it happens, but i think it's just after bad guys, that infinite is sent to locate n bring in starline. it doesn't prove too difficult. there's a whole, starline realising "oh fuck it's you???", some bickering n, the two don't hit it off right away. they're both kinda like. not mentally stable ddgddgdds,,,

so uh. starline ends up essentially going thru the same sorta shit as infinite. careful watch, rebuilding, all that jazz, making sure he can be trusted. he's like... very very lost, quite like infinite is. the world has kinda calmed down, in the meanwhile.

it's at this point i'm gonna go ahead n drop a bit of a ramble i subjected my friends to a while ago, to articulate the way i see the two, n their dynamic together!! i was considering making this it's own post a while ago!

analysing their characters a bit... let's look at starline. Like. so we have this, in bad guys, which SENT ME tbfh;

i feel like it's the moment that triggers starline onto the path he is rn canonically,,, he's clearly like. rly mad n bitter. the core of this?? he wants his work n his efforts to be acknowledged.

he's big angry. still kind of in denial at this stage. he has himself obsessed w/ the idea of making eggman see him as Worthy, that if he just tries hard enough, that'll happen. he's dependent on eggman's validation, n i mean, it's no surprise; he's followed him a Long Time by the sounds of it.

then in the recent issue, hold the fuck up, bc we got, This;

god. my god it's all comin together now homies. this???? this right here??? it is the CLASSIC "i have to do this to prove i'm strong n powerful n smart n worthy n should be respected please Give Me Acknowledgement" ..... n who else is Like That? can u see where im going w/ this?

i think most ppl are aware of infinite's character being extremely indicative of self worth/esteem issues n the need to prove themself, right?? the extreme adversity, repulsion, perhaps even fear toward the idea of being weak. the compulsion to prove otherwise, to show their strength, to become powerful, to conquer to make a point. their theme exudes this same energy as their behaviour in-game; an aggressive attitude, trying to assert themself, while if u rly listen...? the lyrics are actually really sad in places. it reeks of cover up, although composition wise, a v interesting thing to note is a lot of the more telling lyrics are prominent while some of the affirming ones are in the background. indicative of a desire to have their true feelings be heard but caught in a vicious loop?

okay okay that's yet Another different analysis. AHEM.

not to get deep on main (oh who the hell am i kidding that's the point of this entire thing) but i think starline has issues w/ his worth in a similar way to infinite. they both seem to have this need to Prove something, whether it's to others or themselves, n get caught in a toxic spiral of doing worse n worse things for Some kind of validation or acknowledgement. they'll go to really big lengths chasing that, n both of them ultimately sought validation in the wrong place n wrong way.

this is a big part of my starfinite dynamic,, n so, what happens, as they get closer n open up??? we have them BOTH realising together that they don't have to do fuck all to prove anything to anyone. they don't need to do all this to show they're strong n smart n worth something, not to anyone else OR themselves. they're enough as they are. they bond over that shared feeling that they have to do xyz, to prove themselves, n that desire to just finally be acknowledged n appreciated n help each other thru it. to help each other understand that other ppls approval, or lack thereof, doesn't define them, their strength, intelligence, and worthiness.

i feel like they have an interesting parallel between them in like... the above could be taken as a general analysis, but to go more in depth on this au specifically?? ...

starline followed eggman for presumably a long time n it no doubt left him feeling a heavy and deep regret for all that time wasted n spent on an unhealthy path. infinite kinda teaches him that what matters is what he's doing Now n also reminds him that if none of it happened, starline wouldn't have learnt a lot of the serious skills he has. n while starline still feels bad, he also realises himself that, he likely never would have crossed infinite's path if none of it happened. for that reason, he wouldn't take it back.

infinite has only been recently made, on the other hand. they haven't really existed long, yet, but so far their experiences haven't been very positive n it can be .... discouraging. starline sorta, shows infinite their limited experiences w/ the world are a very tiny fraction of what's out there, n things can absolutely change, yes, including for the better; that's the essence of life, a neverending, constant flow of change.

it's a big tale of moving on n letting go, honestly; made easier as they're doing it together. n as they heal n grow, well... these bitches gay. sfshshdgds like, ig that's putting it p bluntly but!! they start to trust each other, understand each other more. as they get to truly know who the other is, they both start developing The Feelings. they're both pretty oblivious n the reveal is totally unknown so far!! yeah, i know, bummer. i suck. boo. adafsfsds however i can say there will be lots of content in the making!! if that soothes the soul! i've got of ideas i hope to bring to life.

ofc there's still a lot of more specific things i haven't covered here so! if y'all want more juice hmu w/ more focused questions but !! this is the overview n i hope it was a decent read now that gave some uhhh! Cool Insight! yea!!! ✌

#jackal.txt #android infinite au #i need a proper name for this #infinite the jackal #dr starline #starfinite #long post #idw sonic spoilers

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shima-draws · 5 years ago

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Shima please tell me about your galaxy brain human Lucario AU I wanna know how it all pans out

NDASKMADMLASMKSA OMG ANON I am more than happy to share :'D This got really REALLY long, I hope you enjoy a good read lmao

So we have. Lucario. As a human. Possibly named after an actual Pokemon Lucario, idk. He's still Aaron's apprentice—trains under him at the castle to become an aura user. However, human Lucario is like. 15, making his connection to Aaron that much more powerful bc he's pretty much baby and Aaron's in his mid twenties practically raising this kid by himself. Lucario views Aaron as kind of a father/guardian figure? He's still so uptight at this point tho;; and he views Lady Rin as a mother (which. Is. SOFT). Rin and Aaron might be in love, it's hard for Lucario to tell, he doesn't Romance. He just focuses on his aura training. Pssh.

Fast forward to the time of the Big Pokemon War. Aaron realizes the only way to stop the fighting is to go find Mew at the Tree of Beginning. However he knows that this is a huge sacrifice—and knowing how loyal Lucario is to him, Aaron knows he'll follow him and be subjected to the same fate. And Aaron's like—Lucario is just a kid, you know? He still has so much more to experience and live for. So while it fucking breaks his heart to shatter Lucario's trust in him (for the time being) and totally ruin his father figure status, Aaron "betrays" Lucario and traps him inside the staff. It's some crazy magic aura crystal thing that seals something inside of it, whether it be a Pokemon, human, spirit, or whatever else. At this point it's also for Lucario's safety—bc nothing can really touch him while he's in there, and they're in the middle of a war, so yeah it's just really good timing and planning to protect his kid. However Aaron, being the adorable himbo dumbass he is, kinda forgets that this is an aura crystal, and therefore needs aura to "unseal" it essentially, which would set Lucario free. Unfortunately after Aaron goes to the Tree and gives up his life to stop the war (cue Titanic music) there's not really any other aura user around. They're pretty rare, even way back then;; so Lucario falls into a deep slumber, being sealed, and is kept there for about 1000 years.

And then!! Ash fucking Ketchum enters the picture!!

Lucario is suddenly woken because he senses Aaron's aura nearby. Absolutely pissed at Dad for leaving him behind, Lucario escapes from the staff and goes to attack, but stops when he realizes Dad is actually not Dad, it is adorable 14 year-old boy who has a similar aura to Aaron. Cue a very disgruntled teenager running through the palace, totally out of place and confused. Eventually he's stopped by Lady Ilene, who explains what's going on. Naturally Lucario's heartbroken—not only is his master/dad/guardian dead, but so is his mother figure, and everybody else he'd once known in the castle. Bc Ilene looks so similar to Rin, Lucario takes comfort from her. Ilene does her best to console him and asks if he'll do her a favor. He leaps at the chance to make her happy—apparently he's a sucker for getting good Parent Figures to like him—and agrees to go help Ash and co. find Pikachu at the Tree of Beginning.

Instead of Lucario doing the Naruto run ahead of the group (which like. How the fuck is he so fast...) he actually sits in the car in the passenger's seat with Kidd doing the driving for him, bc hell if a human can run for that long and not be totally wiped out afterward (also he just woke up from a 1000 year nap. Yeahhh. Not gonna happen.) Also baby has no idea what the fuck a car even is so he's a bit nervous around it, and Kidd's like "Um yeah no I'm not letting you drive. Just tell me where to go" so Lucario uses his aura to lead her. Things progress p much the same way, with Lucario getting strangely attached to Ash despite not wanting to, at all, but it's hard because Ash is just Perfect and a Good Boy and pretty much gives Lucario the sort of attention he craves. Eventually tho that all comes to a head when Ash brings up his friendship with Pikachu. Lucario's still bitter about Aaron and honestly can't bring himself to trust any of them—and is pissed at himself for having taken a liking to Ash despite that—so that leads into their giant fight in the first step of their enemies to lovers trope. Ha. Even so, he still gets consoled by Max (and is given CHOCOLATE!! Which is the most fucking heavenly thing he's ever tasted), and witnesses Ash unable to sleep bc of his honest worry for Pikachu. Lucario does some Deep Thinking to himself about his relations to the group.

The next day, the group activates the Time Flower that recorded Aaron's entire abandonment of Lucario. Believe it or not being a young kid in training for a war tends to give you a bit of trauma, so Lucario freaks out a little and starts attacking the hollow projections of the enemy Pokemon. Ash manages to calm him down. Lucario collapses and asks why Aaron had abandoned him. What did he do wrong? Why would Aaron turn against the kingdom? Why did Aaron trap him in the staff? He doesn't know shit and it's frustrating. Ash comes up to him and apologizes, and as soon as the waterworks turn on Lucario's like oh nooo. Oh NOOOO. Here's this boy laying his heart out on his sleeve and is so honest and open and sincere that he can't help but feel awful for how he treated him. Lucario immediately forgives Ash and is like "I will now protect you with my life" bc Ash is baby and Lucario realizes for the first time!! He's made an actual friend with somebody that isn't his dad or the queen! And if he's friends with Ash that means he can be friends with Brock and May and Max and Kidd too. The prospect is EXCITING. He can trust these people now, he knows, because they saw what happened and they believed him about Aaron. They're choosing to side with him over the "kingdom's hero" and that honestly means a lot—it's a huge commitment and Lucario's just. Super grateful that he has a group of people backing him up. Lucario promises himself that he'll reunite Ash and Pikachu, bc if he were given the chance he'd reunite with the people he once held dear too. Ash and Pikachu really care about each other and Lucario admires and respects that a lot and he wants to make Ash happy so!! He's like. It is my personal mission to see that we find Pikachu successfully. And Ash is just like :'D !!! And it's that moment when Lucario realizes that he might like Ash a biiit more than he originally thought he did. Huh.

Literally not even 30 seconds after that revelation Regirock attacks and Lucario almost has a fucking aneurysm because he JUST made friends with these people!! And now they're going to get killed if he's not careful! Story of his life. He immediately shifts into Protect Ash Mode™ and hurries everyone to safety. Things are crazy. Lucario has too much of a burden on his shoulders. He's stressed. But Ash is with him and that makes things a little bit better so he focuses on getting them to where they need to go and protecting them along the way. Big job for such a young kid. Whew!!

Traveling through the Tree of Beginning, weird antibodies keep voring people, and it's not fun. At one point Lucario takes the bullet for Kidd, but is mysteriously released (probably bc of his aura and his connection to Aaron, who gave up his life, which gave energy to the tree and to Mew. So there's a connection there. The tree kinda sees Lucario as one of its own.) Finally, finally! Ash and Pikachu are reunited! Lucario can immediately sense how close they are and how much of a bond they have. Seeing someone with so much history with Ash makes Lucario a bit shy around Pikachu, but it’s cool, they warm up to each other eventually!

Right after this, Ash and the others find out that May, Brock and Max were devoured by the antibodies. Lucario barely has any time to grieve for them before the Regis burst in and essentially trap him as Ash and Kidd are attacked by the cells next. Lucario watches in absolute horror as Ash is swallowed up. It’s like Aaron all over again—and this time it’s worse because Ash hadn’t done anything wrong, and Lucario had really come to trust him and admire him as a person. It’s absolutely fucking heartbreaking. He watches in hollow-eyed despair as Pikachu and Ash’s other Pokemon cry over him. Everything sucks. The world is a nightmare. Lucario almost wishes he’d gotten swallowed too. Why is it always him that’s the last one standing, the only one left, the remainder to deal with the carnage and the loss by himself? Then Mew performs its voodoo magic and lo and behold!! Ash and the others are miraculously revived! Lucario is absolutely overjoyed and relieved. It’s then that he realizes he’d be absolutely devastated if he lost Ash for good—even more so than Aaron. At this point he’s kinda come to terms about Aaron’s death, though it still hurts because there’s so many questions left unanswered.

Of course right after this Mew collapses and everything goes to shit again. Great. (Can he get like five seconds to maybe just breathe?? Idk.) At the center of the Tree of Beginning, Lucario finds Aaron’s gloves and things start to click into place. Maybe...the stories were true? Lucario activates the Time Flower there and realizes what Aaron had done, his noble sacrifice, and why he couldn’t bear to get Lucario involved. Lucario breaks down in tears bc he’s so relieved and yet so unbearably sad. Aaron was like his father. Someone who cared for him so immensely and deeply. Aaron urged Lucario to continue on and live his life to the fullest—that’s what he wanted for him, after all. But at this point Lucario isn’t sure if he can. Mew needs saving, after all.

Lucario decides he’ll follow in Aaron’s footsteps and save Mew, no matter how sad it makes him to have to leave his new friends so early. Ash immediately protests, along with Kidd, and Lucario tells them that it’s a risk he has to take, just like Aaron. Mew and the Tree need his power more than ever now, and he can’t just abandon them. He starts to pour all of his aura into Mew, but it’s not enough. Ash puts on Aaron’s gloves and jumps in, deciding to help out. Lucario is grateful but also very panicked because Ash literally just came back to life—he couldn’t bear losing him a second time, especially since he already lost Aaron. Lucario tries to bump him out of the way but Ash absolutely won’t let him!! If they’re going down they’re going down together. Ash tells him that he can’t watch Lucario take on the burden by himself over and over—that he wants to split the weight and make things even. Cue a very emotional tense moment between two boys about to sacrifice their lives together. Neither of them want the other to die, but they don’t really have a choice. Mew absorbs their power and then…

Lucario wakes up.

And he’s alive. Holy fuck!! (There’s no fucking way I’d kill him nope not happening not this time bitches)

Apparently splitting the burden of giving one’s life energy to another with a second person eases the consequences—leaving both Ash and Lucario alive (which makes him realize that if he’d gone with Aaron all those years ago and split the burden, both of them would have lived. But strangely Lucario wouldn’t trade that opportunity for what he has now.) Ash literally jumps on him and hugs him so tight he nearly dies a second time, but it’s fine. It’s a good way to go.

The tree is safe, and so is Mew. Ash rejoins the others, bringing Lucario with him. They all have a merry little reunion, and then head back to the castle together.

At this point, Ilene thanks Lucario for all he’d done—for Ash and co. and for the tree and Mew. She then sets Lucario free—saying he can do whatever he wishes, he can follow any path in life he wants to now! Suddenly there’s a whole world full of possibilities, and that world is there for him to explore. He can practically hear Aaron encouraging him to take a step into the unknown, journey to his heart’s content, make tons of friends, and master his aura. Except Lucario isn’t really sure he wants to take the trip by himself. He bashfully asks Ash if they’d be alright with him joining them. Ash is absolutely fucking ecstatic, of course. He asks Lucario to teach him how to properly use his aura, and Lucario has a big self revelation moment like “The student has become the master” and it’s magical. So we hit off a brand new adventure with Lucario traveling with Ash, Brock, May, and Max, and teaching Ash how to hone his aura! Which gives us more aura Ash moments, which everybody craves! And it’s kinda gay and lovely!!

And that is my rewrite happy ending for Lucario and the Mystery of Mew thank you goodnight ✌️

#Shima answers questions #Pokemon #Pokeani #Lucario #Long post #Ash Ketchum #Aurashipping #Anipoke #Lucario and the Mystery of Mew #Human Lucario #May #Max #Brock #Shima’s AUs #I had FUN writing this LOL #Hope you enjoy uwu

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