#it just feels shitty to be made fun of for something i can’t control even tho i wish i could

[mrs-elsie-barnes]

Cariad | Werewolf!Bucky Barnes x Fae!Reader | One shot 2.3k

After a forced night out with your fellow fae ‘friends’ ends in a trail of your fairy dust, it’s your werewolf roommate who takes the blame.

Warnings: 18+, mentions of violence, blood, bad friends and bad ex boyfriends. Bucky is a cutie pie puppy (werewolf) and reader is a fae with wings.

A/N: Very loosely based on the story of Beddgelert. Cariad - darling in Welsh. 

Dividers by @firefly-graphics and @saradika-graphics

Masterlist | Bucky Barnes

“Come on, you can’t stay cooped up in your flat all night.”

Your friends pounded their fists on the door of your apartment, calling through the keyhole and begging you to come out with them.

Friends might be too generous, women who also worked at the shitty diner down the street and also happened to be fae was more accurate. That seemed enough license for them to come and bother you, but it was never quite enough for you to really open up to them or for them to offer you a place to stay when you left your disgusting ex, John.

“I don’t want to, I’m fine here,” you shouted back, lounging against the arm of the sofa, your feet in your roommate, Bucky's, lap and a bowl of popcorn on your own. You tossed a kernel across to Bucky and he caught it with a snap between his preternaturally sharp teeth. You giggled and he grinned, flashing his long canines, before returning his attention to the terrible reality show you were both watching. 

The two of you had been watching the series from the start and had become increasingly close over the last six weeks since you moved in. Bucky always made sure you had popcorn, a blanket, which he spread over your legs, and something fun to drink, either a cocktail, a glass of wine or, one week, a huge hot chocolate covered with marshmallows.

Despite your reservations about moving in with a were, he was really a lovely roommate. He kept mostly to himself apart from your TV nights, which you looked forward to more and more, enjoying the feel of his warmth so close to you, the heady scent of his musky cologne and his ringing laughter that always made you smile.

 In fact the only downside seemed to be that he shed hair like a large dog, but then you left fairy dust everywhere so it worked out evenly in the end.

Plus after living with John and his volatile nature, being able to predict Bucky’s mood around the moon cycle was actually more reassuring than scary. You’d expected him to be grumpy, snappy, even a little mean when the moon was full, but instead he just stuck around the flat and, if anything, was friendlier, touching your elbow or the small of your back, brushing his leg against yours on the sofa and, as he was now, massaging your feet after a long day at work. His instinct was to nest and seek comfort, following you around like a lost puppy, a huge, muscular, lost puppy.

“You can go out if you want, doll, don’t stay in on my account,” he said, not taking his eyes off the screen.

Bucky liked to stay in around the full moon. It wasn’t that he was dangerous as a wolf, he could still control himself, but everything felt so much…more. He was always a little more territorial when the moon was at its fullest, seeking the comfort of a familiar space and, increasingly, wanting to make sure that you were protected.

In reality, he’d have liked to keep you exactly where he could see you and keep you safe, but he’d never been the kind of guy to trap someone like that. He liked seeing you smile. If going out made you smile, then he’d try and suck it up… okay, he’d be a grump, but he certainly wouldn’t be letting you know that, even if it meant you wouldn’t be here to scratch behind his ears to keep him calm when the moon rose. 

“I like staying in with you.” You poked him with a fluffy sock covered toe and earnt his fingers tickling you in return. 

“Well, that’s settled then. Go away!” he shouted at your friends, still banging on the door. 

Quiet reigned for all of two minutes before your phone started pinging.

You’re allowed to leave,you know?

Tina, of course, was always starting the arguments about Bucky.

He can’t control you

Morgan, desperate to be the ringleader of the group, but falling very far short. 

So that was two of your friends chipping in, that just left Jenny.

Leave the dog at home and come out with us, I promise we won’t see John. 

She was the biggest barrier to your friendship. Their personal attitude towards Bucky went way beyond the suggestions that he kept you trapped in the flat somehow and ended up in slurs. She’d use any opportunity to take a dig at him, especially if she knew he could hear. 

No.

You text back, slamming the phone down on the arm of the sofa, but they continued to text and text and text until you couldn’t take it anymore. 

“Ugh, God fine!” you bellowed across the room, your wings glittering and flashing red with fury, sprinkling fairy dust in your wake as you stomped across the room and yanked the door open.

“One fucking drink and then I’m coming home, just to prove that I can leave whenever I want.”

You glowed with anger as you slammed your bedroom door, emerging a few moments later with a crumpled dress on and a pair of heels. On your way past the mirror, you rubbed a finger below each eye to tidy your makeup.

“Have fun, Fairy, see you soon.” Bucky smiled, squeezing your hand over the back of the sofa. “I promise I’ll watch something else so we can see who gets voted out together.”

Dutifully, he flicked the TV off. 

“Let’s go,” you said, allowing your friends to drag you out of the door while Bucky waved them off. 

There was no way Bucky was really going to let you go out alone on the full moon. Although you’d have that gaggle of fae around you, he didn’t trust them not to abandon you at the first sign of trouble and, despite his lone wolf status, he knew that there were plenty of other wolves and shifters about just waiting to pounce should the opportunity arise.

Waiting until you’d at least left the building, Bucky sprang up from the sofa, looking out at the last of the sunset before he shook off the blankets, then his clothes and then his human form. Dragging his nails along the hardwood he clambered out the window and onto the fire exit. Scenting your perfume as you rounded the corner onto the next block, he couldn’t help but let out a howl, leaping onto the roof of the adjoining building and beginning his watch. 

Fairy dust.

It was everywhere, sparkling like glitter, the scent of vanilla frosting, but twice as sweet. It glimmered a path towards the alley way and, as Jenny rounded the corner, it was all she could see.

Despite the sparkling impairment, she could still hear your scream, ringing in her ears.

Tina and Morgan fell out of the side door of the nightclub, stumbling on their heels and dominoing forwards until all three fae were piled together on the cold, filthy ground. The golden shimmer of your fairy dust was all that let them know you’d been there. 

Sometime after the third round of shots and your fourth complaint that you wanted to go home, you’d edged away from them, towards the exit. That’d been fifteen minutes ago, when a were approaching Morgan at the bar had prompted the conversation to turn to Bucky again and what a disgusting, unsuitable, roommate they all thought he was. You rolled your eyes. If only the knew how bad John had been. 

Tina had only stopped when they’d all had a chance to complain about his taste in clothes, his solitary nature and even his smell, when she noticed that you hadn’t said anything in a while and their hunt for you began.

Eventually, trailing a story of you and a tall man with dark hair from the bar to the back doors, they had ventured outside.

“Look!” Jenny declared, spotting a spec of blood higher up on the alley wall. She fluttered her yellow wings and got closer to inspect it, running a finger through the smear, blood. “It’s blood! Call the Police!” 

Tina immediately started to dial as the three fae set off as fast as their wings could carry them, following the trail of blood. 

The trail wound between each block from the club to your street using the darkest back streets and alleyways. Morgan had conjured a ball of light to follow, but the three fae were still anxious to be back in the street lights or, better yet, back inside their own locked homes. 

It was a full moon after all, a foolish night to be out, drunk and alone.

Everyone they met confirmed that an injured fae had passed by with a brunette man and the trio’s imaginations ran riot, thinking of all the horrible things they were sure Bucky was doing to you for leaving the flat. 

As they turned onto your street, the blood seemed to stop but, at a run, they continued towards your apartment building.

From the outside, it looked as if Bucky was still watching television, the blue and white flashing of the screen lighting up the window and the patch of ceiling they could see from the doorstep below.

Then a figure appeared, a huge figure with pointed ears and long arms ending in claws that seemed to go on forever, elongated by the shadows cast across the walls. It reared up and then, just as quickly, it ducked down. No doubt to complete whatever awful ritual it was that weres enjoyed on the full moon, killed and eating fae no doubt.

Jenny screamed and began running up the short steps to the foyer, forcing her way past your confused looking neighbours. 

In the street, Morgan, rooted to the spot in horror, watched as the werewolf lifted a body in its arms and moved away from the window. Tina grabbed her hand and dragged her up the stairs to follow Jenny. 

Blood. Blood. Blood. That was all Bucky could think as he paced the living room, his fur matted with it, the scent filling his senses, stinking and hot and foul. He took a deep shuddering breath, willing the wolf inside of him to quiet. It paced in his mind, snarling and growling at any thought he sent its way, the thought of another man’s hands on you, the thought of you at the bar, unprotected and alone. 

Blood. Blood. Blood. 

He heaved a breath in and dropped his head into his hands, groaning as his body calmed. He tried to stay still, not wanting to cause anymore damage or spread the blood any further than his stumbling body already had. 

You were covered in it too, your wings heavy and drooping down your back. The iridescent shine was dulled, your breath coming in shallow, rasping sobs.

But no sooner had Bucky caught his breath than the hair on the back of his neck stood on end, his senses telling him that danger was still approaching.

Looking up, he finally saw Tina, Morgan and Jenny standing in the door, staring open mouthed at his blood covered body. His fur, where it was longer across his head, was matted together and his paws left red marks against the white walls when he pulled away, shrinking back, ears flat to his head and tail tucked between his legs.

Jenny screamed, a blood curdling, piercing scream causing the neighbours to open their doors. Bucky’s ears twitched, and his soulders slumped, his hearing enhanced by his current form. 

“He killed her! He killed her! Look at that blood!” Jenny screached.

Bucky held his hands up in surrender, unable to do anything but let out a low howl of pain at the thought of doing anything to hurt you. 

“We know it’s her blood, on you!” Morgan shouted. 

Bucky was shaking now, the wolf desperate to fight back while Bucky tried to tame him. He knew being aggressive would make it worse, but he was having a hard time keeping his body in check in such a small space. He backed his way to the wall and slid down onto his hackles, the hair on his neck still raised, and gave a sharp bark of warning. 

“We knew you’d turn on her, you were mad she went out!” 

He shook his head again, his howl now a constant, pained, wail. 

Then he couldn’t hear anything.

Tina, Morgan and Jenny had brimmed with magic as they cornered him, but now he was behind a wall of light watching your friends and neighbours back away, forced out of the door by your power. 

Bucky grabbed around your waist so he could get close enough to press his muzzle into your neck, scenting you roughly in the hopes of calming the wolf. 

You fell back into his arms, spent from using the last of your energy on defending Bucky, but safe in his arms. 

“I’m okay, Buck,” you whispered, tired and breathy, digging your hands into his fur.

He scooped you up into his arms again, the same way he’d carried you home after John’s attack just an hour before and held you close.

“I’m with you, I’m okay.” You gave a weak smile, placing your hand on his muzzle as the fur faded and the wolf disappeared for another month, leaving your hand on his stumbled cheek. He turned into your warmth, placing a delicate kiss on your palm and kept you there for a moment, your eyes locked and then he dipped his head, brushing his lips against yours.

[drew-dopamine]

jesus christ i’m so tired of seeing posts making fun of my psychical features

[sapphicantics]

Two Sides of the Same Coin | Chapter Two

Pairing: Regina George x fem!reader

Summary: After a nobody destroys the Jocks and insults the Queen Bee without a care or an apology, you get catapulted to the top of the social food chain next to aforementioned Queen Bee, Regina George, who now has to learn to share the spotlight with North Shore’s new bad girl. | Or alternatively, your ‘don’t give a fuck’ attitude sucks you and Regina into each other’s worlds sending you down a path you never expected.

Word count: 1.5k

Contents: mentions of violence, reader might be coming off a bit toxic but she’s meant to be cocky, angry!Regina, sexual tension???, explicit language, a little stalking, more shitty comebacks, think that’s all let me know if I missed any

Note: Well, this chapter took a different turn than I was expecting but honestly I think this is better than what was originally planned. Certain parts of this chapter made me cackle while writing and I hope it makes you cackle too so enjoy my shitty sense of humor

Intro - Chapter One

— — — —

Assuming it’d be a hell of a day might have been a little dramatic.

It’s been a day so far, sure, but nothing different than what you’re used to.

You’ve got a busted lip and your knuckles are sore from, for lack of a better term, bashing Christian Wiggins face in this morning and sending him to the nurse’s office. Perhaps, you’d feel guilty if it wasn’t for the fact that he busted your lip open first.

As often as you have been getting into fights, you thought someone would have noticed by now that you don’t ever throw the first punch - thus granting you the excuse of self-defense.

Though, even if they did know the jocks have far less self control than you and would never be able to refrain from reacting to the things you say.

Speaking of refraining from reacting, Regina has been watching you all day. She still is, right now. Well, technically Gretchen is watching you, but you know she’s doing it because Regina told her to and you know she’s gonna report back to Regina immediately because Regina told her to.

Seems a little obsessive of her, really.

Which is funny considering.

Whatever, you don’t have anything to do with that. If Regina wants to have her little minions following you around then that’s her business.

Also you’re pretty sure Regina intended for Gretchen to be discreet and not make it obvious that she’s watching you, but maybe you’re wrong. Maybe Regina wants you to know she’s watching.

That sounds like something she’d do as an act of intimidation, or even just for fun so you wouldn’t put it past her.

Either way, you know Gretchen is there.

You wouldn’t find this weird because you two do share this class. Normally, you guys sit on opposite sides of the room from each other, but Gretchen is now sitting three seats behind you - not too far away where she can’t see you clearly, but not close enough to where it’s obvious.

( Or maybe it wouldn’t have been obvious if you showed up to class on time, but since you didn’t it was immediately apparent that she switched seats. )

You ignore it because one: you don’t care, and two: what exactly are you gonna do about it? Gretchen’s already anxious enough having to deal with Regina’s bitchiness daily, you’re not about to worsen it by confronting her over something so trivial.

You catch her taking pictures of you and typing rapidly on her phone moments after you have this thought, and now you just have to confront her.

You catch her after the bell before she can escape the classroom, throwing your arm over her shoulder and steering her away from the door. She squeaks as you do so, tightening her grip on her belongings. “So Gretchen, mind telling me why you were taking photos of me when you thought I wasn’t looking?”

She stammers, her eyes widening. “I-I don’t know what you’re talking about. I wasn’t taking pictures of you.”

“Right. So if I took your phone and went to your messages with Regina I wouldn’t find pictures with live updates you’ve been sending her during class?”

Gretchen’s hand tightens even more on her phone if that’s possible, her knuckles turning white with how hard her grip is.

That’s answer enough for you.

“Yeah that’s what I thought. Do me a favor,” you hum, leaning closer to Gretchen. “Tell Regina, and I want you to tell her word for word what I’m about to say, to stop acting like a little bitch and sending her minions to spy on me instead of coming to see me face-to-face.”

Gretchen’s mouth drops open. “I can’t say that to her! She’ll kill me!”

“You’ll be fine as long as you mention my name immediately,” you wave off her concerns which is kind of a rude thing to do, but the whole school already thinks you’re a rude person so may as well uphold the reputation. “Word for word, Gretchen. I’ll know if you don’t.”

That sounds vaguely like a threat that implies you’re gonna come after her if she doesn’t say it word for word. You’re not, but she doesn’t need to know that.

“Go on, Gretchen, you’ve only got a minute and a half before the next class starts, and I’m sure you know how Regina feels about being kept waiting.”

You take your arm off her shoulders and after a moment, she peels out of the classroom, rushing off to Regina.

You sigh and shake your head, you feel bad for that because Gretchen did not deserve your threats and she doesn’t deserve the ire she’s about to get from Regina.

You’d apologize, but you’re sure you’ll never be able to get close to Gretchen again after this.

It’s too late to take it back now so you exit the room and head off to your next class on the opposite side of the school.

— — — —

North shore doesn’t allow students to leave the school early without prior consent from a parent or guardian, or under special circumstances, which you have neither of right now. They don’t really have a way to stop you from leaving, but they will call home and Principal Duvall will pull you into his office in the morning for a lecture, and those are headaches waiting to happen that you’d rather avoid. So even though you’d rather be anywhere else, you’re spending your free period — your last class of the day — lounging around in the cafeteria.

You’re sitting criss-cross atop a table, elbow resting bent upon your knee while your chin rests in the palm of your hand. You’re staring out the window, a single earbud in while Hayley Kiyoko plays in your ear.

You hum along under your breath, a faint clicking noise drawing your eyes to the cafeteria entrance. The doors burst open and in walks Regina, her eyes honing in on you like a target. Her fury is palpable even from here and it makes you smirk knowing you’re able to get under her skin — knowing you’re the only one able to get under her skin like this.

Does this say a lot about you? That you find joy in making Regina angry?

Yes, probably, but why shouldn’t you find joy in calling a bully out on their shit.

Regina slams her hands on the table in front of you interrupting your thoughts. Her glare is intense, and if you were anyone else you’d be cowering under her gaze. Instead, you cock an eyebrow, completely un-phased by the blonde in front of you.

“Something I can do for you, George?”

“You think you’re such hot shit, don’t you? You think you can call me a bitch and get away with it; with no consequences?”

“Oh, no, does the big bad Queen Bee not like being called what she knows she is?” You pout mockingly at her. “Is that all it takes for you to lose your cool, being called a bitch?”

You laugh loudly at that.

It stokes the flames of Regina’s anger and she yanks you up by your collar, your shoes scraping the edge of the table before landing harshly on the floor as Regina slams you against the wall.

Huh, look at that. Prissy pink princess Regina George has the muscles to throw you around.

This is quite the development.

“Congratulations George, you’ve made it about two steps further than anyone else ever has. Think carefully about your next move, lest I let my instincts take over and I fuck up that pretty little face of yours.”

“You have no idea who you’re messing with. I will ruin your life.” She growls at you, ignoring your words.

“Threatening to ruin my life,” you tilt your head in amusement, leaning your face closer to hers. “Seems rather obsessive of you, George. Perhaps you wanna kiss me first. That’s quite on brand for you.”

Regina’s jaw clenches and her grip on you tightens. She goes to speak, but the bell ringing to signal the end of the day cuts her off and you smirk. “You might wanna let me go. If anyone walks by they’ll think you’re making out with me and then everyone will be calling you Sissy Liz, and we can’t have that, now can we?”

Wow, threatening to fight Regina and bringing up her old friendship with Janis — twice, in two different ways — all in a span of like forty-five seconds is absolutely insane.

Regina scowls at you, her eyes practically alight with malice. She doesn’t want to let you go because if she does that means you win, that means you get away with disrespecting her for the third time with no consequences, and no one wins against her, no one is supposed to win against her ever, but you’ve done it twice now and you’re about to do it again.

She shoves you harshly against the wall one last time at the realization and, wow, you’re really priding yourself at the moment because the fact that she’s still standing when anyone else would be on the ground right now speaks volumes to your self-control, but then anyone else would’ve hit you by now so maybe it speaks more to Regina’s intelligence that she’s not.

“This is not over.” With that she turns on her heel and storms away, leaving you with a smirk as you watch her retreating figure.

[ahyesthesufferingoftvteens]

You know I don’t think Kaidam shippers really explore the more unhealthy side of Adam and Kai’s relationship…which is disappointing to me because it sounds like something that would be really fun to explore?

This is a long post, so I’m gonna put the rest under the cut, for those who are interested in hearing me out:

Like in most depictions I see Kaidam as this very cute and fluffy and wholesome ship. Which I absolutely love, and I think Adam and Kai can be like that!

Then I look at the canon material and we have:

- Adam infantilizing Kai. “Very cool, Kai!” Has the same energy of your mom cooing at a shitty drawing of herself that you made for her when you were four.

- Kai pushing Adam away and barking back when Adam tries to control the situation and force Kai on the back-burner. OR when Kai very obviously states that he wants to be left alone and Adam doesn’t respect that request and tries to fix a problem that can’t be fixed in that moment.

- Adam and Kai both having trouble regulating their negative emotions and potentially getting explosive, which once resulted in Kai getting thrown across a forest. Wowza.

- Kai having a strong need for attention and validation that Adam does not notice as an obvious sign of trouble at home and something that Kai needs to talk about and get help with. Instead he interprets it as, “ugh, he’s being annoying again,” and reacts according to that perception.

- Kai outright hinting that Mira and Adam never really…hung out with him before he was invited to their team? And likely still didn’t while he was in their team? He was very likely brought to training sessions but that was it. They’ve never even been in his house before The Hollow Life. Adam very likely did not see Kai as a part of his circle before everything happened.

- Adam saying things that are insensitive to Kai and then not taking Kai’s resulting insecurities seriously and very obviously treating them as something he can quickly fix with a few words, which hints that Adam sees Kai as shallow.

Like, Adam and Kai’s friendship is fucked up. Toxic even, I would say. On one side we potentially have undiagnosed ASPD and OCD, and on the other side we potentially have undiagnosed HPD/BPD and AuDHD. This is a recipe for some DRAMA.

But the fact that no one has ever explored how this shitstorm of a relationship can evolve into something that’s actually healthy (as far as I can see) is sad because the POTENTIAL is INSANE.

Like, just imagine this…

—————

Kai confesses he likes Adam. Adam, who doesn’t take Kai’s feelings seriously, thinks Kai is shallow, and subconsciously views Kai as lesser probably thinks to himself “Awwww he’s a baby bi! You know what? I’ll date him for a little bit. It’s his first guy crush, he’ll be over it in a week. Besides, I’ll be giving him an example of what a good boyfriend should be like!” And meanwhile Kai, who is definitely very into Adam and desperately wants Adam to like him, is trying very very hard to impress and please and help Adam.

Then the PROBLEMS start coming in and Kai sticks it through anyways because he does genuinely like Adam, and he wants to be better for Adam, he just wishes Adam would actually try to be better for him.

So then this relationship lasts for longer than Adam anticipated, but by this point he’s too in deep, and he’s probably starting to actually like Kai back (but he likely doesn’t understand that yet because Adam strikes me as autoromantic with the occasional exception. Romantic feelings? What are those?), so he just kinda lets the relationship continue while not really knowing what to do about all of it.

That is, until Kai SNAPS. Accuses Adam of never actually liking him (which is partially true) and playing with his feelings (which he did) and then when Adam confirms these assumptions Kai breaks up with Adam and blocks his contacts.

And THAT is when Adam realizes he fucked up big time and that the way he views Kai is wrong, and also that he really likes Kai now. This is the funniest part of the story: Adam begging and bargaining with Kai for WEEKS before Kai even considers talking to Adam again. Kai’s first request is the most daunting: Go to therapy, Adam.

So Adam does that despite his protests, because god forbid he loose Kai again. He gets therapy, and works through some of his shitty behaviors. He’s much more self-aware than he was before now. Kai is working through his own issues as well.

More time passes, and Adam and Kai are finally hanging out again. This time Adam tries his damndest to hear Kai out, and Kai is no longer as explosive, but he’s very firm on his boundaries and doesn’t let Adam walk all over him. They start dating again later down the line (happiest day of Adam’s life) and now Adam has a story to tell his grandchildren about how he nearly fumbled the bag with his husband.

—————

This is a gold-mine to me. The sauce is impeccable. Every relationship can have issues: the goal is to work through them together as a team!

Let me see relationships that don’t work out at first but then with dedication the two meet in the middle and are finally deserving of each other!

Let me see relationships that aren’t perfect 100% of the time but are still absolutely great!

Let me see relationships that sucked and the two work their things out, but decide to remain friends because that just works better for them!

Let me see complicated relationships! They’re so fun to read!

…Also this scenario I wrote out is also great potential for Reekai (Sorry. It’s my OTP. I gotta rant about them). Like if you branch off after the break up and Kai starts hanging out with Reeve (who probably ALSO dated Adam once and would understand Kai’s strife.) you get the very funny concept of “Adam’s exes keep dating each other.”

In this scenario, after accepting that he lost Kai, Adam would probably be somewhat proud of the fact that he set Reeve and Kai up…until he remembers that he did so by being a trash boyfriend. Then he’s kinda down on himself until he quickly picks himself back up and strives for the future.

And I mean, who knows? Maybe in the future Reeve and Kai could consider letting Adam date the both of them once they’ve deemed he’s worthy.

There’s a lot of directions this can go guys. The Hollow kids and their relationships with each other are messy! Let’s talk about it!

[cfr749]

I totally, totally agree with your view of their relationship. The Barnes episode is one I can’t watch and I just pretend it doesn’t exist. The whole situation with Chris and Ashley was just…unnecessary and written horribly. I feel like Tim treated Lucy better when he was her TO and respected her and didn’t treat her like a child which is mainly what he does now. He became more patronizing AFTER she was no longer his rookie. Additionally, he didn’t say anything after Lucy told him he would do great in Metro - just gave her a half smile and left. He acted like a teenager during the Valentine’s episode when he gave her the silent treatment when he found out she did the five-player trade. And it ended with LUCY apologizing and Tim never once apologizing for his immature behavior. He also treated her horribly in the episode when Isabel came back. He invited her to LUCY’S apartment without asking Lucy, gave her a half-hearted apology only when Isabel was AT THE DOOR and then proceeded to joke around with his ex-wife ABOUT Lucy and IN FRONT of Lucy and then regressed to his TO voice with his “Chen!” later at the station, right after making fun of Lucy trying to help him relax. Like, hello, that’s your girlfriend! Why are you snapping at her when she didn’t do anything??? Chris was absolutely a shitty partner but Tim is a becoming a very, very close second. He treated her better when she was his rookie and especially before they dated. And im so bummed about it because I had such high hopes but the way they write Tim’s character is just ruining it for me.

Hi anon!

First off, I'm glad you got to get all of that off of your chest 😂. I know how isolating and frustrating it can be to have all of the feelings about choices the show is making, but feel like you can't share those frustrations without pissing people off or experiencing backlash. So while I can't control anything other than my own response, I'll just say, you're always welcome to vent to me!

I'll be honest and say I didn't notice / react to all of the things you mentioned in the same way, but I can see your points and understand why those moments may have rubbed you the wrong way. Especially since, like I mentioned in my last post, the issue isn't any 1 isolated incident. The issue is a repeated pattern in the storytelling and messaging.

Something I want to be clear about before I go any further though:

This is not about my head canons or what I'd like to believe the writers were trying to convey.

Of course I think the idea of Lucy liking Tim more than Tim likes Lucy is ridiculous. That's why I can't figure out what on earth the writers were doing.

Of course I don't hate Tim (I literally could never!!) --- I love both of these characters deeply, and close to nothing excites me more than the idea of the two of them falling in love.

This is specifically about choices the writers made and what we actually saw unfold on our screens.

And if my takes seem to be more pro-Lucy, that's specifically because, IMO, the way the story unfolded was much more favorable to Tim that it was too Lucy.

Which isn't even surprising. Women often get the short end of the stick. Women of color almost always do. And that is literally the entire point of why this conversation is important. It's why shrugging off repeated instances of Lucy's character being eroded in service of the ship or maybe just as a result of the thoughtlessness of the writers really bothers me. It's why I'm not the only one who feels this way.

So, anon, for now, I'm just going to dig into the first item you mentioned as one of the first examples of this pattern -- the Katie Barnes of it all (sorry Katie - you were lovely - I promise it's nothing personal 😂). Setting aside the confession prank in 3x09 (which is it's own essay), this was the first time I started to really question the direction the show was going with making the ship canon. At the time, I hoped it was a blip, because we all remember that look in 3x14, and... yeah.

I believe this was the first appearance of jealous Lucy. And don't get me wrong, I have no problem with using jealousy to tell a story -- as long as it serves a purpose and as long as it's not completely 1-sided.

But instead of moving Chenford forward, this actually moved them several steps backward for me.

Like you mention anon, in seasons 1 and 2, despite Lucy being his rookie, I felt that they were very much portrayed as equals. They helped each other in different ways. I’d argue Lucy often showed she was more emotionally intelligent than Tim and used that to help him navigate through the end of his marriage, and Tim obviously poured everything he had into getting her as ready as she possibly could be to move on to the next step in her career.

But this scene in 3x11 managed to re-assert the Rookie - T.O. dynamic in a way that slapped me harder than any moment when he was actually her T.O. -- asserting Tim's view of Lucy as someone he needed to teach not how to be a capable police officer, but someone he needed to teach about the world.

He said this to Lucy. Lucy! LUCY!

If you don't understand why this is categorically absurd, please go re-watch season 1 right now.

The fact that it was couched in compliments and we got to see Lucy go squee over his praise doesn't make this any less patronizing.

Literally, I don't need to hear any man say this to any woman ever. I especially don't need to hear a white man saying it to a woman of color. And I sure as hell did not need to hear Tim say it to Lucy.

So where'd we end up?

Lucy took some major hits to her character, blurring the lines between personal and professional by accusing Tim of giving Katie special treatment because he found her attractive, and ultimately came off as jealous, immature, insecure, and unprofessional amongst probably some other less than flattering things. And note, I'm not saying I think she is these things. I'm saying she was portrayed to the general audience as being these things.

Tim, on the other hand, got a windfall -- not only did he get to be the wise, all knowing teacher (let's not forget his deep love of meditation), he got to have all his past sins erased under the guise of helping sweet Lucy understand the world is a scary place.

***

So obviously you mentioned a bunch of other examples, but this is already too long and probably not at all what you were looking for in a response, so I'm going to wrap up here. I got another ask about the Valentine's Day plot, so I'll tackle what I did and didn't like there eventually (yes, I am capable of liking things. it's rare, but possible).

Thanks for the ask! 🥰🥰🥰

[im-out-of-it]

part 4 of season 2, episode 4 continued “day of wrath” aka Alec didn’t need to endure this

100. “can you pledge your loyalty to the clave?” aldertree asks jace and he says no. this is why he’s punished. not because he kidnapped a wolf, not because he joined Valentine twice and all the atrocities he committed because he’s not loyal to the clave. that’s where the claves stands. doesn’t matter if you kill innocent downworlders, doesn’t matter if you save them, but if you have something they need (like a mortal cup) or you don’t do as they say (not be loyal) then you’ll be punished for that

101. I think this is something the show should’ve worked with. the books don’t do anything when it comes to how racist, homophobic, and vile the clave is. and when you have an “evil” person say something against the authors fav incest couple, then the focus is changed. the show should’ve done more when it comes to how the clave treats people

102. I think no matter what this character does, it’ll always be cringe to me

103. I can’t remember if I ever posted the video of Magnus and Simon talking about Camille but here it is anyways (and I’m sorry it’s side ways)

104. time to summon up Camille and how much pain Magnus is in that he has to do this

105. I feel for Camille but she has done this to herself and has gotten out of control. I don’t want her to be handed to the clave but it’s either the vampires are burnt at sundown or Camille is turned in. I think they could have found a way to keep Camille there. not 24/7 but just randomly showing up like Catarina does. and I think it’s sweet that Raphael knows Magnus needs a second. he’s such a good friend 🥹

106. I’m going to miss this bad bitch (and I don’t condone what she’s done but she’s a very fun character you have to admit)

107. YAY JOCELYN IS NO MORE but sad Alec

108. taking I have blood on my hands literal

109. you did us a favor Alec

110. no and I’m not going to apologize because Jocelyn was insufferable. having Jocelyn around would have made matters worse and I don’t think she would have ever parented clary right. some people are just not meant to be parents. she needed to go and I didn’t see her have any problem with sending Alec to his almost death. she even tried to tell Magnus that Alec wasn’t paying for her actions. at least Alec didn’t seek Jocelyn out. and this is the demon that incorporated Alec’s body. Alec isn’t in control of his thoughts and actions here- a demon is literally in his body. THIS IS NOT ALECS FAULT. but at least he felt some fucking remorse. clary Jocelyn jace never seemed to care how their actions and words affected Alec

111. at least Alec looks and feels sorrow and regret and is apologetic. I’ve never once seen clary actually feel bad for all the shit she put Alec through. she’s never tried to make amends with Alec. and this whole storyline just felt like a huge fuck you to Alec. oh you were hard on her Alec so we will have you take her mom away, a mom she didn’t even want to be around I trusted but it’s still her mom so we will have Alec go through another shitty experience again. and it’s almost ironic in the beginning of the episode, magnus says “you go battle your demons and I’ll go battle mine” and they do both battle their demons in this episode

112. Camille is trying her hardest to convince mags and he’s like but my children!!!!!!!!! “leave Alec out of this” yes Camille he’s going through enough

113. you can literally see the pain in Magnus’s eyes

114. bye Camille see ya never

115. Magnus can’t even look at Camille when he sends her away

116. and here comes Valentine at the last minute

117. “it took effort” so maybe thank your father jace lmao

118. well hodge just died so bye I guess

119. the fact that aldertree is more mad that jace saved his life shows you everything you need to know. but then again, he took the most powerful sword so once again jace made the wrong choice. the inquisitor can be replaced but a sword can’t and he would have done everyone a favor by ridding of aldertree but I guess Alec has to do everything on his own

I’m stopping at 120 and I thought I could just do this last part but part five coming soon

[ofpineapplesanddawns]

I can’t remember if you have an au where vampire Peter meets Aro, but if not; that. I think they would have some constructive feedback for each other on how to vampire right.

I think... there was a one-shot AGES ago where vampire prince Peter and his wolfy husband met Aro, but other than that? Nope! Don't think I have vampire Peter and Aro interacting just on their own!

Warning: the girls are fighting! (the author also points out dumb flaws with the twivamps)

On with the fic!

--

"Look, it's the principle of the thing!"

"It really isn't. It's irony, that's what you have here. A vampire who is a vampire hunter, and also one on stage. I feel like there is some coping with your circumstances as well."

"Fuck off, I'm not taking that from a guy who can cut glass with diamond nips!"

Aro actually laughed at this and Peter glared at him. "Well, it's true, isn't it? Your vampire species is all... I dunno, stone like! It's weird! You're weird."

"My chest does not have bits as sharp as diamonds, Peter." Aro teased before gracefully bringing up the wine glass to his lips, dark blood passing his lips with a grace Peter could never master, no matter how often he practiced to look like a suave, sexy European vampire from the movies. "Though I have met some vampires of both my own kind and others who were humans during the Victorian era and had been quite fond of the strange interest in piercings then."

"Jesus wept, Aro." Peter groaned and swallowed down his spiked mug of microwaved blood. "You have no.... you're blunt."

"As are you. Talking about my nipples." Aro smirked.

"Sttttoooooopppppp!" Peter dropped his head on the table. "Gonna make me turn into a bat and hide up in the rafters just to ignore you..."

Aro glanced up. "I do not believe you have rafters that are visible in your... penthouse, if you wish to call this gaudy fun house that."

Peter narrowed his eyes and refilled his mug with the kettle, then poured in some vodka. "I'll hide in the light fixtures then!"

"Not wise for a bat to do, even one as tiny and adorable as you." Aro chuckled. "How strange that you can turn into a bat anyway, and not even a vampire bat. Your species does not drink blood, and yet you do."

"I don't control the fuzzy cutie that I become." Peter snorted. "I just accept that I turn into a canyon bat and can still slurp up the red stuff like a slurpee. Vampires are fucking weird. Yours especially."

"How so?" Aro asked, topping off his wine glass with the kettle.

"Like, ya know." The actor waved his hand about. "Look at you! You're three thousand plus years old!"

"Many vampires of many kinds live for ages."

"Not eons!"

"I am good at survival." Aro smiled.

"Bleh. And your body! You're made of stone, or you're like stone! Why?! What's the point!?"

"Protection, I assume." Aro shrugged, Peter sighed loudly.

He took a long drink from his mug, then nearly slammed it down, just to be dramatic. "And the whole thing! The... the thing, with your liquids!"

Aro arched an eyebrow. "The venom?"

"Yeah! How does that even work! Why does all the fluid in your body become venom, isn't that dangerous!? Your blood, your spit, your- ew. EW! How do you even fuck when you're shootin' off-"

The older vampire made a face, holding up a hand. "I don't know, and I do not wish to know, Peter. It is not a topic that I personally have any interest in learning more about."

"Sounds like the terrible choices made by a writer who trapped herself in a corner." Peter grumbled.

"Why a female writer?"

"Because all that shit you told me about with the girl with the OP ability and her shitty love interest and their poorly named baby sounds like something a YA writer came up with and people gobbled that shit up. And they tend to usually be women who write these, so, yeah."

"And what of you? Your vampire species is so... odd. You can be in the sun."

"Not for long, still burns and makes me really sick. At least I don't sparkle."

"Hm. And you can change into a bat, yet not a vampire bat."

"Probably due to the region that the vampire species originated from, Mexico and the American southwest, don't have vampire bats there."

"And you can eat food."

"Nnnnnot a lot, honestly. It's weird, some stuff is okay, but most just makes me upchuck minutes later or automatically. Kinda sucks, I miss chewing gum, mint really doesn't agree with me anymore."

"Mint was used in healing, a purifier, might be what flavors and spices are used." Aro said with a chuckle.

Peter huffed and dipped his finger into his blood, flicking it at Aro's expensive suit. "Again, at least I don't sparkle."

"Such a weak argument."

"Shuddup, pretty old man."

--

My species of vampire in my aus is so damn silly and weird and honestly just centered around Peter and Hardy changing into a canyon bat cause they're just so damn cute and tiny and always screaming in photos.

Meyers has no excuse for her shit outside of 'oh, if I make them traditional, it makes me so upset and ill and I can't have that!'. Lady, accept that your vampires are ridiculous. Venom. For real???

Also, I dunno what they're doing in Peter's flat, but I'm 95% sure Peter is not wearing any clothes while they sit at the table together, so that might tell you what they had been doing.

[strangermask]

Can you talk more about the elemental power of reality?

What abilities and powers does it give Genjistu and other masters of reality?

How powerful is it?

How powerful is Genjistu in terms of everyone else? (The other first elemental masters and the Fsm and Garmadon and Wu and the ninja?)

What happened to the element of reality after Genjistu dies?

Get ready for a long ass explanation on this fuck of an elemental power (and shitty drawings to go with)

When I say “element of reality”, I truly mean reality. The power that Genjistu has is the ability to control everything, anything, and nothing. He can alter history, change the laws of science, create and destroy creatures, persuade anyone to do what he wants, anything you can imagine. With powers like these, he’s more powerful then everyone. Especially FSM.

Of course, everything has it’s weakness. The elemental masters of reality have two. The first weakness, the minor one, is chaos. If something unexpected happens, they can get weakened. For example: if you loudly blew a kazoo out of nowhere, they will get whiplash.

The second weakness? They have no free will.

This is where we get to the fun part and the shitty drawings

See another thing about reality is being able to break the 4th wall. Genjistu knows about us, knows he’s in a kids show, and knows he is nothing but a work of fiction created by someone’s mind.

EMs of Reality must follow the script.

What exactly is a script? Well, its the events that must happen for the plot in the show to continue. Think “canon event” from Spiderverse. But if you try to interfere or change the script, you get retaliated with pink scars growing on your body. They must do what is required by the script. Even if it means you have to let someone get corrupted or have to murder a few people. They can change the script if they give a good enough bargain though (though that rarely happens due to how dangerous the bargains can be)

Not to mention, they know they’re in a kids show now!

Which means they can never swear again. They are censored everytime they try to drop “fuck” or call someone a “bitch”. The censors change from time to time though. Just imagine silly swears made up for shows that can’t swear. However, this one does have a lil leeway since kids shows can do that. For example: “If it weren’t for the fact this is a kids show, I would call a word that starts with a c, ends with a t, and rhymes with lunch.”

Second to worst drawback: while everyone else can see each other as humans/humanoids, EMs of Reality see everyone as a lego minifigure

Imagine for about fifteen years of your life, you’ve seen the world like everyone else. You and everyone else are humans. And if not that, an animal humanoid like a serpentine. Everyone has a nose. Then comes the day you get the element of reality, and all of a sudden everyone, including you, are now just toys. And you can’t even explain this well to anyone. Because you know people will look at you like you’re insane (as if this element hasn’t made you feel insane enough). So now you just gotta live your life with everyone looking like lego minifigrues until the element is passed. And guess what? Since the show likes to hide FSM’s face, Genjistu can’t see FSM’s face. It is just a black blob with two white dots and a line that Genjistu added because he was having a fucking hard time trying to get the right tone (and that’s hard to do when can’t make out a facial expression due to the black blob)

Now we get to passing the element of reality on, the worst part

The funny thing about reality is, there is never just one. Unlike the rest of the elemental powers where’s it just passed on and done, EMs of reality don’t get that luxury. When Genjistu passed his elemental power to his child, it was like he was split in half. The first half still had the element and sent to a white box, and the second half stayed in Ninjago with amnesia and seeing the world like everyone else again. In the meantime, the next EM of reality now has the drawbacks of the element and sees everything as a lego world. When the next EM came to the white box, Genjistu was there. Two Elemental Masters of Reality who now must suffer not only the insanity this element brings, but the fact they can never die. And there will be more EMs of Reality to come. Thus why there is only a small handful of EMs of Reality exist throughout Ninjago’s history (in the show timeline at least)

Long story short: Genjistu could samurai slice everything and anyone, but he’s being held back by the writers (me)

Oh btw, element of reality is pink uwu

[nowoyas]

Edible Arrangements 36

First - Prev - Next - M.list - Ao3

A/N: I'mma keep it real with you chief I didn't feel like editing so I didn't. enjoy this in all its raw glory and experimental bullshit. I'm having fun with POV stuff. suffer. <3

I will probably be returning later on to edit this more properly!

Summary: [name] finds somewhere to stay. The world moves on.

Warnings: man I never know what to warn for. this whole chapter is basically an out of body experience complete with ✨conflict✨though so watch out!

Word Count: ~3800 words

Hitoshi does not know what happened, but he has a sinking feeling that it wasn’t good.

For one thing, [name] is asleep on his couch with a duffle bag he’s never seen before at their feet. For another, they look like shit. For a third thing, he can’t get into contact with Izuku, and [name] hasn’t answered any of his questions since they got here. In fact, they’ve hardly said much of anything, just stared at him, dead-eyed and confused.

All the explanations had come over text yesterday.

Can I stay at your place for a while? I can’t stay here anymore. It’s not safe.

It must be because they were so shaken up from the attack, right? He can see Izuku explaining how unsafe it is around him, with the way the guy’s been blaming himself for every so much as paper cut that [name] sustained since they met. And given the guy’s history with serial killers, it’d make sense.

Maybe [name]’s just upset by that.

Except, that wouldn’t explain why their eyes are so dead, why every time Hitoshi has tried to ask them a question, they’re somewhere far away. He doesn’t know where to take it, but it’s been a full twenty-four hours and they still haven’t made a move to even eat anything.

They’re just laying on his couch, staring at the ceiling.

So, Hitoshi brings them food. He recalls them mentioning how they liked spaghetti once, so spaghetti he brings. They’re still sprawled over the couch, so he sits on the other side of the coffee table and stares. “Are you going to eat?”

They make a weird half-shrug, restricted by the sling. His heart sinks at the wince they give. “I don’t think I’m hungry.”

It’s the longest sentence they’ve said since they got here.

“You should eat something. You need your strength to heal that stab wound.”

“Stab wound…?” they echo, a tilt to their head.

“Yeah. You don’t remember being stabbed?”

They turn to meet his eyes at last, and not an emotion reads on their face. They shake their head just slightly.

Oh. That is what we in the business would like to refer to as a “problem”.

“Will you eat something?” he tries again. He hates to do this, especially to someone like [name], but if they won’t eat…

“Not really hungry,” they reply, more firmly this time.

The fact that there is almost no change in expression is horrific and jarring. He’s not even sure his quirk has actually taken hold on them until he commands them to sit up and they listen perfectly.

“Eat the food I gave you,” he orders, feeling a pit settle in his stomach as they begin to obey before he even finishes. “Be careful to chew it properly and not choke on it.” He hates using his quirk. Hates the guilt it churns. Hates the control. He knows it’s a deep-seated thing instilled in him from years of shitty living, but he can’t help it. The hollow expression on their face as they eat is just too much.

While they eat, he slips into the other room and pours a glass of water. Sets that in front of them, too, and when they’re done, he orders them to drink it slowly.

When at last the glass is drained, he releases his quirk. Again, he’s barely certain that it’s worked—they have the same empty look in their eyes. When he brainwashes someone, he thinks of it like temporarily shattering their mind.

And here [name] is.

Sitting on his couch looking absolutely shattered.

“Does it hurt?” he asks, mostly in an attempt to figure out whether they have their autonomy back.

They give another awkward, wince-y, half-shrug, seeming no better than before.

Well.

At least he got them to eat.

~

To say that things are fine would be an inaccurate assessment of the situation at hand.

See, [name] isn’t picking up their phone or texting anyone back, and people have been texting them a lot. They’re only eating when Hitoshi brainwashes them and forces them to, only drinking when he does the same. If anything, the situation seems to be worsening—he’s not sure if it’s his quirk or their condition, but what was at first able to be “eat the food” becomes more and more complicated each time.

As their phone blows up (charged only because Hitoshi made sure it would) Hitoshi sits with his dinner and theirs and tries not to think too heavily about the past week.

“Are you going to eat?” he asks, like he has the past several days.

They shake their head. “No.”

He’s growing better at telling when his quirk washes over them. Part of him wants to think it’s because they’re getting better—just slightly, their expression when under his influence and their expression when just staring at his ceiling are drifting apart. He wants to believe that. In fact, he does believe that. [name] is getting better. Their condition is improving.

If they were responsive, maybe they’d catch him lying to himself. He settles in for the work he's about to do:

"Pick up the fork."

"Now put a bite's worth of food on the fork."

"Now put the end of the fork holding the bite of food into your mouth."

"Remove the fork from your mouth."

"Chew the food in your mouth."

"Swallow the food in your mouth."

He won't lie. The fact that he has to do this is... bad. He's not sure how to fix this. Depression wouldn't put [name] in a state like this. He's not sure what would, but he knows depression.

He checks his phone, in between instructing them to eat.

Mina to Hitoshi at 7:43 PM

Mina: hey have you heard from [name] at all?

Mina: they're not picking up or texting back and I can't get ahold of izuku

Mina: I am one missed call away from breaking down their door

Hitoshi: yeah, [name]’s been at my place

Hitoshi: for like the past week

Hitoshi: I’ve been trying not to pressure them but honestly you should get over here

Hitoshi: it’s bad

He sends his address and goes back to work. “Pick up a bite’s worth of food with the fork in your hand.”

Like that, he works, making sure that they chew and safely swallow every bite. When Mina arrives, it is with Tsuyu, and they nearly push their way into the apartment.

“How bad is it?” Mina demands. “Actually, don’t answer that. If they’re not responding to texts it has to be bad.”

“They’re not going to respond when you talk to them yet,” he explains as he leads them in and closes the door tightly behind them. If he had been worried about security before [name] got attacked, he had become neurotic about it ever since they showed up to dissociate on his couch. “I’ve got them under my quirk.”

“Why? What are you doing?”

He rubs the back of his neck as they find [name], sitting on the living room couch with fork hovering above plate. Unresponsive.

“It’s the only way I can get them to eat anything. If I hadn’t been brainwashing them into regular meals, they’d be suffering starvation by now.” He glances their way, directing a command. “Put the fork on the plate.”

They obey, robotically, and he releases them from his hold.

Hazy eyes roam over the room a moment.

“[name]…?” Mina calls.

“Mina, Tsuyu,” they croak. Just the slightest light returns to their eyes. “Finally someone I recognize.”

A chill settles over the room, or maybe that’s just Hitoshi feeling it.

“Someone you recognize…?” Tsuyu says. “[name], you’ve been living with Hitoshi for a week. Are you saying you don’t recognize him?”

A tiny, tiny nod. “Do you know how I got here?”

“No? How?”

“I was hoping you knew.”

Okay, the talking is progress. The information, however, is damning.

“Are you saying you’ve just been quietly sitting here not remembering who I am for the past week?”

A nod.

“Shit, [name], why didn’t you say anything?”

A half-shrug.

Mina and Tsuyu cast him worried looks. “They don’t remember you?”

Yeah. Maybe this is bad.

“Okay. We need to figure out what happened to them. [name], hang out here and eat something.”

They don’t respond as Hitoshi leads the girls away.

“Alright. So obviously something happened.”

“They’ve been like this all week?”

He nods. “They texted me out of nowhere asking to crash on my couch for a bit because they couldn’t stay at Izuku’s anymore. They didn’t give any indication that they were like this, and they just kind of showed up at my door with a duffle bag. I figured Izuku was getting too worried about their safety and asked them to hide out somewhere for a while.”

Mina wraps her arms around herself. “Tsuyu, do you remember when [name] and Tenya broke up? Er, when Tenya enthralled them?”

She nods. “This is worse. Much worse.”

“So what, do we think they were enthralled again?”

“They’d be double-enthralled. Between forgetting their childhood friend and whatever they would have forgotten this time, that’s a huge stress on the brain.”

“I think we need to bring in Neito on this conversation,” Tsuyu says.

“Really?”

“If [name]’s been enthralled again, there’s a few candidates,” she explains, eying him warily. “No offense, but you’re one of them. Neito can copy [name]’s quirk and tell us for sure who is and isn’t involved. I’m calling him.”

So they call him. And they wait. And when Neito arrives, he’s quick to stand in front of Hitoshi after brushing a hand against [name] in passing. “What am I asking him?”

“Ask him whether he enthralled [name].”

He jolts in shock. “Enthralled them? You think they’ve been enthralled?”

“It’s our running theory. We’ll update you on what we know once we know it wasn’t Hitoshi.”

“Alright. Hitoshi, did you enthrall [name]?”

“No. I have brainwashed them with my quirk repeatedly over the past week to force them to eat and take in water, though, because I believed that they wouldn’t eat otherwise and I was worried about their health.”

“He’s clean. How do you know I didn’t enthrall them, though?”

Tsuyu tilts her head. “We still have [name]. We’ll ask them.”

“Yeah. Tell me, Neito, did you enthrall our friend?”

“I’ve never enthralled anyone.”

Mina drags him into the living room a moment. “[name], is this guy glowing to you?”

They shake their head. “He’s clean.”

“Great, thanks!”

“[name] says he’s clean. So where do we go from here?”

Neito hums thoughtfully. “We need to start by determining what they’ve actually forgotten. You said that they didn’t know who Hitoshi was or how they arrived here, right?”

“Right.”

“Then we’ll need to speak with them. Figure out what memories they’ve lost. That’ll help us narrow down who did this to them and why. Once we’ve got our list, we’ll start with the questioning.”

So they sit down, a circle around the catatonic [name], and begin to ask questions.

“How are you feeling today, [name]?” Neito starts.

They shrug. He reaches out to touch their arm.

“Can I ask you to answer me verbally?”

“Why?”

“No reason.”

“Liar.”

He laughs. “It’s just so we can figure out what’s going on with you. We think something happened.”

“Your guess is as good as mine.”

“You don’t remember?”

“No.”

“What do you remember?”

“I lost my job. I wasn’t going to be able to pay rent next month.”

Mina looks about as pale as a pink girl can get. “[name], that was months ago. You lost your job in August.”

The others share a look as they blankly tilt their head. “What month is it? September?”

“Honey, no. It’s February.”

There’s a long moment where the four of them get to watch as they process the statement.

“Why aren’t you lying to me?”

“Why don’t you know what month it is?”

“Hold on, if [name] thought it was September, then…” Neito looks up from his notes. “[name], do you remember who I am?”

“We haven’t spoken before. You’re That Guy in my ethics course, though. You’re always arguing with everyone.”

“We both passed that course already. We’ve been… friends…? …for months now.”

Mina darts out a hand to cut in. “Hold on, doesn’t this mean… [name], what can you tell me about vampires?”

“They’re fictional monsters. They drink blood and turn into bats. They’re like, classic horror novel creatures.”

This time, everyone feels the chill settling over the room.

“[name]. Do you remember Izuku?”

They furrow their brow, tears springing to their eyes unbidden. “Who’s… who’s…”

The picture of them falling apart is something out of the Renaissance, an artful deconstruction of their emotionless state as the falling tears turn into a stream.

“[name], honey. Talk to me. Why are you crying?”

They shake their head, scarcely able to breathe through the tears. “I don’t know. I-I don’t, I don’t know! Don’t—don’t talk to me about that person. I don’t know them, I don’t like how that name makes me feel, don’t don’t don’t—“

“Hey. Hey, it’s okay. Let’s take a few deep breaths.”

As Mina crouches in front of them and begins talking them through the breakdown, the others share worried looks.

This is a big problem. One that demands answers.

~

The first doorstep the [name] protection squad ends up on is Tenya’s the next day.

“Are we really sure it’s him?” Tsuyu mutters as they approach. “I don’t think he would do this.”

“He’s the one with a history,” Hitoshi replies smoothly. “Too bad Neito’s quirk can’t copy [name]’s that long. This would go much faster that way.”

He reaches up and raps on the door firmly, quickly.

“It really is a nice house. Didn’t realize he was such a rich boy.”

After a few moments, the door opens. A woman stands there—shorter than Tenya, but with the same glasses, the same face. Short, bobbed hair. “Can I help you?”

Neito steps forward. “We’re looking for Tenya. It’s really important that we speak to him right away. Is he here?”

“Why, yes. I’ll go get him for you. What’s this about?”

“Something’s happened to [name],” Hitoshi replies.

“[name]? That sweet kid? Why, we haven’t seen them since something happened between them and Tenya after the two went away for college. Is everything alright? Tenya’s stopped talking about them.”

“Everything’s fine, Mrs. Iida,” Tsuyu says. “We just really need to talk to Tenya.”

She nods and disappears into the house. Minutes later, Tenya is there, staring them down with worry.

“What happened?”

“You tell me,” Hitoshi demands. “[name] doesn’t remember anything. They’ve been catatonic on my couch for a week and I’ve been having to brainwash them into doing the basics of eating, drinking, and using the restroom. Do you have any idea how hard it is to instruct someone to change clothes with my quirk without looking at them in the meantime?”

“What?”

“They’ve been enthralled. They thought it was September. They don’t know who I am, or who Neito is, or who Izuku is. We asked and they had a breakdown they couldn’t understand. Let’s make this quick: what the fuck happened?”

“Keep your voice down,” Tenya says firmly. He slips out the door and shuts it behind him. “I don’t know, exactly, what happened. What I do know is that I had nothing to do with it.”

“Great. Very helpful and not suspicious at all.”

“Really! If you’re so worried about it, you should speak with Izuku. See what he has to say. He’s the one who made it very, very clear that he was going to do everything to protect them.”

“Are you saying Izuku was the one who enthralled them?”

He pulls his best polite smile, not reaching his eyes. “I’m saying that I was not, and that Izuku had great concern for their well-being after they were attacked by the serial killer that targeted him. Is there anything else you needed from me?”

“No,” he says. “I guess not.”

They leave him on his doorstep with a mission in mind.

~

The rage only builds as they approach Izuku’s doorstep. Hitoshi knocks on the door, this time with hard, accusatory knocks. Mina is dialing his number as Hitoshi knocks.

The phone is not answered. The door is not answered. Mina calls three more times before she just starts shouting.

“Izuku, open the fucking door!”

Izuku doesn’t seem to understand why he opens the door, but he does. He stands there, looking like absolute shit. His shirt is stained, bags under his eyes dark enough to give Hitoshi’s serious competition, hair unwashed and unbrushed. He stares at them with dead eyes as the yelling begins.

“Tell me it wasn’t you who enthralled them.”

He doesn’t reply. Doesn’t look remotely surprised, either. Any defense he had is gone in that moment, until all there is is to rip him apart for this shit.

“Are you serious? We’ve been working our asses off trying to get [name] to have all their memories back, and you fucking undid all of that? Do you have any idea how much you’ve wrecked them? Do you have any idea how much they’ve fallen apart? Do you have any idea how fucking stupid you’ve been?”

And Izuku takes it.

“You know, you made [name] really, really happy. They’ve been happier since meeting you than I’ve ever seen them. We asked if they remembered you while we were trying to figure out what happened to them, and they broke down crying on the spot! It took forty-five minutes to calm them down.”

And Izuku takes it.

Neito steps up to the plate, too: “You know, I have been doing my utmost to avoid making assumptions going forward. Ever since I've been turned, I've been trying to convince myself that we can be good people. I've been TRYING to convince myself that we can live without hurting other. So what the hell is this?” He has a threatening tilt to his head, fangs flashing with each word.

And Izuku takes it.

Hitoshi is the one to finally step forward. "You're not going to say anything? You're not even going to try to convince us that you were not the one who did this?"

He lets out a bitter laugh and takes it.

"It would have been better if they'd never met you. They might have been happy, but if you could see them like this? It would tear you apart."

Nothing.

"You get that, don't you? This has nothing to do with them being assaulted and everything to do with the fact that your pathetic ass left them broken into pieces and unable to even understand why. You haven't been the one having to force them to eat for the past week. You haven't been the one having to sit them down and use your shitty quirk that you hate to instruct them through every single bite because they can barely conceive of the steps needed to eat anymore. They're going to need a full-time caretaker, to say nothing of the fact that they can't attend classes anymore. They can't remember anything they're learning! They can't do shit! Because of you."

"I am protecting them," he hisses. "What do you know about that?"

"Protecting them? Are you fucking kidding me? You can't protect shit like this. You're not a god. You're not even armed. You're sending them out into the world with no memories, no will to even eat, and no idea what they're being protected from. You can't protect anyone. If you would just ask for help for once in your fucking life, your parents would be alive and [name] would be here, where you could do anything for them. You're useless on your own. It's time you figured that out, doctor."

Hitoshi jolts back when Izuku stalks towards him, eyes ablaze. "You have no idea what you're talking about. You think you can even begin to understand what this is like for me?" His fists are clenched, green sparks wrapping around him. His quirk. The first anyone here has seen of it. "You don't know a damn thing about what you're talking about. You didn't watch that man slaughter your parents."

"You're right. I didn't. But I've watched [name]. For a week. You know I have to teach them how to do the most basic things? You know you erased me and Neito, too? You know you probably erased Tenya, again? How do you think he feels knowing that he's lost them again?"

"At least Tenya understands what it means to love someone so much you force them to forget you entirely! If someone any of you loved and cared for got dragged into this, you'd—"

"News flash, asshole! You are not the only person on this planet who cares about them! You are not the only person on this planet who wants them to be safe! You are not even the only person in this conversation who wants to protect them. We all want that, and now we're stuck with a friend who's completely catatonic, doesn't remember half of us, and barely remembers how to breathe, and you're acting like Tenya would be on board with this? The difference is, he learned from his mistakes! He has spent every second of his life ever since he enthralled them regretting the moments they don't remember him. Understands? He learned! You, on the other hand, haven't learned shit! You're sitting here determined to repeat history and fuck all of us over for the sake of your petty revenge quest!"

Izuku's voice drops into a low growl. "Petty? That man has killed hundreds of people. Were their lives petty? Were my parents? Is [name]'s life petty to you?"

"What about their mind? Their personality? Clearly that didn't mean shit to you."

The glare of Izuku Midoriya is a powerful thing. His rage is enough to knock a grown man over, if he directs it, and, based on the state his front door is left in when he slams it, it's enough to send four adult humans to the ground. The door itself is barely on the hinges anymore, holding on more out of willpower than anything.

They help each other to their feet, and when it's clear Izuku won't hear them out any longer, Hitoshi turns on his heel. "If you need us, we'll be fixing your mistakes. Don't bother thanking us."

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[hadesfucks]

⚠️vent post⚠️

Unrequited love

I saw her on the first day of the semester, sitting front row in some shitty English gen Ed I’m sure I’m gonna fail. She was wearing a leather jacket and had a hufflepuff lanyard and all I could think about was her for the rest of the week. Second day of class we get paired for an icebreaker, and listen I hate this class but that professor has my undying gratitude just for that. I fumbled and let it slip that I noticed her the day before because god she’s just so pretty and we started hanging out almost everyday. She makes everything just a little bit brighter. When she walks in 5 minutes late with her coffee that she spent half an hour in line for. Who spends half an hour in line for a coffee? I made fun of her for it the first couple of times, now it’s just a staple of the day.

I smoke 🍃 now. Well, to be fair I have for a while now, but I’ve only really started doing it more since I’ve met her. She invites me over to smoke in her dorm all the time but I turn her down because I’m terrified of not being 100% in control when I’m around her. I’m scared I’ll say something stupid.

She still texts me when she does tho. One time she hadn’t and I texted her to see how she was, and she started flirting with me. In the morning I found out about her boyfriend. I remember thinking “Yeah he’s gonna kill me, but I’m not too attached to the mortal plane rn anyways”. I don’t really want a repeat of that disaster. Now when she smokes I sit my phone in another room, play stardew instead.

This past week she’s been struggling with some family stuff. One morning after a particularly bad day she didn’t text me, she usually always does as soon as she wakes up. I figured she needed some space so I didn’t ask. Until 8:30 turned into 3 pm and I was getting worried. Turns out she’s taking next year off. She was apparently scared to tell me but didn’t know why. I told her I was proud of her for putting herself first and I think that eased her anxiety a bit.

But god am I gonna miss this girl. I never had her in the first place, so I really shouldn’t feel this way. She lives with her boyfriend back home. She used to talk about how much she hated him, now she just doesn’t talk about it at all. I know that once the semesters over I won’t ever see her again, and I don’t really know how to come to terms with that. It’s hard to love someone who can’t love you back. It’s even harder when they can, they do, they just won’t. I guess that makes my title a little inaccurate. It’s not unrequited, it’s just not wanted. I guess it doesn’t matter any more though.

Me and my buddy are throwing a small going away party, and that’ll really be the last time I spend real time with her. I’ll wave goodbye and then I’ll leave because her boyfriend can’t see me around when he comes to pick her up. And then I’ll go home and I’ll eat a pint of ice cream over a movie like I’m in some romcom, and it’ll suck until it doesn’t.

It’ll suck until it doesn’t.

[seeperson]

Disclaimer: this post is for other former bullies. It does not defend bullying, and isn’t a “see? I’ve changed” post either. Might delete later if it comes off that way after I’ve read it when it isn’t like 3am. Bullied people might rightfully not want anything to do with this and obviously they are not obligated to validate or listen to this or anyone else’s regret-filled diatribes, ever.

I don’t think it’s constructive to shit on people online for being bullies. I’m against it for selfish reasons. There is a viscerally horrible secondhand embarrassment from seeing another self-absorbed jerk cling to positive attention they manufactured to compensate for living disrespectfully and being untrustworthy. All their fake relationships inevitably disintegrate at once and it’s like they’re trying to make people believe the illusion again when that’s not how lost innocence works. Watching a bully get publicly humiliated to me feels like watching a drunk driver get disfigured in a car crash or something.  

I think the main misconception about bullies seeking sympathy from the people we abused is that reputation is the crux of what’s going on instead of a symptom. Asking “but what about me” when someone says “stop hurting people” just confirms that whatever good will seemed to be there was always fake. One karmic (?) justice related consequence of being a former bully is seeing people refuse to apologize for doing terrible things, and you realize for the hundredth time “oh god, I actually made it way more shitty and painful for everyone when they were just trying to resolve a situation that was hurting them." (I am a hero for realizing this and deserve to receive a cigar and good head as well as the nobel peace prize).

I don’t think that people who enjoy watching bullies’ lives get destroyed are bad people. People backing up victims might have gone through something similar with a similar abuser. Maybe it’s vindicating and cathartic to say all the stuff that they never got to say to the person who hurt them. Maybe they still got to say all that stuff, but the feeling left over from the relationship itself invades their head in loops and it’s cathartic to pretend everything is over so it can’t hurt them anymore. 

Being a bully makes it seem harder to apologize because you’re basically trusting people to not treat you the way you’ve treated them all along, all while confirming their valid reason to be upset by not treating them with the respect they deserve. If things get that bad, the real problem goes a lot deeper than just being forgiven and everyone knows it whether they’re willing to admit it or not.

"Nobody’s perfect” is an irrelevant excuse. It’s too trite to even mean anything. Everyone already pretty much agrees that there is no way for people to do right and never fail. I think forgiveness is a given with committed relationships between people who actually like and respect each other, because they’ve established trust by demonstrating repeatedly that everyone cleans up after themselves. If someone is afraid the other person won’t forgive them when they make mistakes, what’s the point of saving a relationship with no integrity? 

There’s no way to control a reputation directly. Even if there was, there’s no fun in expecting positive attention from people without having anything to offer that you know will enrich their lives, letting them relax around you enough to speak for themselves about really personal stuff. Relaxing around friends once in a while is a thousand times better than getting constant attention from people you have power over but probably don’t even like. Positive and negative attention alike shouldn’t be the point of spending time with people, and believing that human connection depends on attention by itself is a personal living hell I wouldn’t wish on anyone, even unpitiable monsters.

[poorasdirt]

Real Talk

Okay, normally I just scroll through Tumblr for the memes and maybe a writing prompt to slay my creative demon for a while. But for the past month my life has been so up in the air I legit couldn’t bother to even put a pen to paper.

See, I was living at my dad’s house for the past ten or so years. It was all cool because despite being close to retirement he was pretty on the ball with stuff. But he retired and life got, real? I’m not sure how to describe it.

I was taking care of my dad’s house for him, as best as I could, while we waited for him to finally be able to retire. That was all good and dandy really. But I have a little sister who does stupid shit sometimes. I love her, don’t get me wrong, but sometimes I want to put her in a barrel and send her down Niagara Falls.

She’s wrecked three of my cars, could possibly be blamed for wrecking a fourth car, and basically had me stuck at my house for the better part of eight years. I had a revolving door of neighbors that were as intrusive as the weather and I live far enough north that on average my area gets roughly five feet of snow on average.

So, I was dealing with that, but I was dealing. I had ways of getting by without imploding. Then back in April I found out that dad forgot to pay the land taxes for three years and our house was foreclosed on. We had to scramble to find a place to stay, pack up the house, and all around figure out life again.

Don’t worry, I’m mostly in a good place now. I’m not completely on solid ground but there is light at the end of my tunnel that isn’t an oncoming train.

I mean it was so bad that just looking at the fanfics I’ve been writing on Ao3 for fun just made me want to bawl. I’ve contemplated deleting it all, given how fresh everything still is. But I won’t, because I still get comments on those fics about how much people love them.

Then, I saw another author, posting on one of the stories I bookmarked, say that they were deleting the fic because it reminded them of a shitty time in their life. I don’t fault them for that, they can do as they feel best for their mental health. But at the same time the fans of that fic are faced with the thought of losing something that means something so different for them.

I mean why can’t they just orphan the work so they don’t have to deal with it but it can remain as testament to it existing. I’ve followed fanfic sites for a long time at this point and it sometimes hurts to think of a great fic, or scene, or OC and go hunting for it. Only to find that the fic no longer exists.

This brings me to something I always struggle with when it comes to writing. See, I’ve always wanted to write my own novel. I have ideas and even sketch out possible scenes, writing feverishly to capture those moments. But I’ve read blogs and books and watched youtube videos all about writing.

I find the one thing keeping me from taking the plunge of writing an original work is the question of an audience. Every bit of advice when it comes to writing a novel comes with the caveat that it’s being written for someone. I get it, publishers want the work of fiction (or otherwise) to resonate and get sold so money could be made.

But it brings me to the question of how much of my fanfic writing was made for myself, and how much have a written for Ao3 (or any other fanfic site I casually was part of over the years). Have I, this whole time, been strictly writing for myself or the community of fans that also occupy the fandom I enjoy? How many times have I continued a project not for the fact that I wanted to, but because of a thoughtful comment or review made me keep going?

Is the reason writing an original work so daunting because I don’t know who my audience would be? Is the built it audience of a fandom a crutch that I’ve been leaning on for years? Or have I become so isolated due to circumstances beyond my control that I can’t quite name a group of people that could enjoy what I want to write?

I’m sure there is an audience out there, but every time I contemplate who my target audience could be I draw a blank. Every time I look at my ongoing fanfic projects I wonder if the passion I have for them is for myself, or those reading them. Am I having a creative crisis or is it just self awareness finally kicking in?

Or maybe I just need a break from writing, somehow. It’s a little hard because my brain won’t shut up about a new idea or working on a new chapter in a fanfic. Otherwise, aside from needing to rant somewhere, I’m doing well.

Thank you for getting through this brain vomit if you made it this far. I hope you have a wonderful day. I’m going outside to take a walk and touch some grass.

[marikos-diary]

I got not one but two ash trays! The exact make and model I had before. I got one black one and one white one. The white obe is the one I really want, but it won’t be here until November. And black one can be here on Monday. So I just have to get through the weekend of smoking either out back or in my car.

I just got back from going out, too! I was very anxious on the walk to my car and the way to the place and I felt like I was going to throw up. But I made it there safely, had a smoke in the parking lot, and then went through the drive through and got two sodas how I like. The ladies at the place I go every day are so nice to me so it wasn’t too bad. I did have a smoke on the way back since I still felt very anxious about driving in general.

There’s many things I would like to do today. I would like to open the windows once it hits 58-60 outside because I enjoy the fresh air. I would like to use my bath wipes and change my underwear. I would like to stay inside except for smoking. I don’t want to go anywhere else today. Further, I would like to vacuum and wipe down my counters and table surfaces. Friday is usually my cleaning day but I was far too upset to take care of anything then. If I can’t get all the surfaces done, then maybe just my end table. It always ends up getting some coffee or soda splatter on it. I wipe it off with a tissue but it would be good to wipe it down. I also want to make my bed, which I was able to do yesterday. It just feels so much cozier to climb into a made bed.

I’d also like to do something fun today. Maybe watch an episode of a show, or read a book. My books are still all packed up, so that second one is kind of tricky. And I reschedule my bookshelf delivery because I didn’t know when I would be waking up today. They were supposed to arrive sometime today but dealing with the buzzer and buzzing someone in and having people in here sounded too stressful so I moved it out another week. Again.

Speaking of buzzers, I think I am going to change my grocery and food delivery instructions to say that I will meet them at the front door. I don’t want to hear that buzzer anymore. It is too stressful for me. I’ve also decided that unless it is an emergency I am no longer calling maintenance. They were in here multiple times a week fixing things the first two months of living here because the complex never did a walkthrough I guess. They were here all the time. I’m not doing that anymore. I don’t want anyone in my apartment. I want it to be my safe space. No one else allowed. That sounds nice to me. My old therapist would have something shitty to say about it about me needing to rejoin society but he didn’t know me or what I’ve been through. I think it is very reasonable to not want people in my apartment. Not even mom for a while. Maybe for the doctor who Christmas special though. I will think about that one. So, to summarize, unless I absolutely need to I will not be calling maintenance. They knock on the doors too loud and they are loud and I don’t want them here. I know at some point there will be a mandatory inspection. I can talk about that in therapy and work on being okay with letting them in. But hopefully that isn’t for many many months. And maybe I’ll get lucky and I will be « invited to leave the community » by then. That is seriously what I am hoping for.

As an update on the door locking saga, I made an honest one star review under my name on Google reviews. It detailed all of the issues I have been having with this building and how management doesn’t care about safety and security and just ignores you when you email them about legitimate concerns. So, I posted that on Tuesday. On Wednesday the company responded and said some bullshit. Later that same day the guy in the office who has bbeen ignoring me called me. I let it go to voicemail and emailed him to let him know that I would need everything in writing. He emailed back that pest control was on site and asked if they could enter my apartment. lol. I said no but I am home. Pest control showed up, sprayed for fruit flies, didn’t even mention the ants I see every week and the roach I saw when I moved on. What a joke. I emailed Tyler and CCed his boss Charlotte to express my disappointment that my pest problems were not resolved. Didn’t get anything in return. Started researching pest companies I could just pay on my own. That was Wednesday.

Thursday afternoon I got an email on their official letterhead from Charlotte stating that pest control had been scheduled to come deal with the infestations on a weekly basis until I choose to cancel it. I do not think this is good enough, because they should have taken care of it before the unit was leased. Charlotte also told me that my neighbors had received a notice not to tamper with the building door or prop it open and that maintenance would check the doors every weekday morning and afternoon. This still did not feel good enough but it was progress in the right direction. It wasn’t good enough to make me feel safe.

So, they did that on Friday. I assume they removed some objects because I saw them laying in the hall as litter right inside the door on my way out around 4pm. Whatever. I have a security system now. It was armed. Anyway, I came home at 8:30pm and found the building lock had once more been tampered with. As if that’s a surprise. The lock had cardboard jammed into it abd taped over with blue painters tape. I sent a pretty angry email to Charlotte and Tyler to inform them that this solution of theirs was not adequate and detailed for them how unsafe I felt as a single disabled woman. I told them in no uncertain terms that stress from this issue is complicating my disabilities and interfering with my ability to function. I asked them what they would do to permanently solve the issue.

I expect that I will hear nothing in return. I truly do not think they care. So, I am resolved to leave the apartment as little as possible until my lease ends. Only to get smokes and sodas, or go to the door to pick up delivery orders. Because if I stay here, then the chain is on the door and it can’t be forced open as easily. They’d have to rip the chain out of the wall. Which is like? Possible, but unlikely. And even if they did, my alarm system would go off and the police would be called. So I feel comfortable enough as long as I am physically home. Therefore, I will not be leaving very much at all. I have to protect the cats, you know?

So that’s the update on that. It’s a whole thing and I am so stressed about it that I am having chest pain and throwing up from anxiety. My mom thinks I am wasting my breath emailing them and that we should have a lawyer draft a letter to them. I’m inclined to agree. That would make me feel better. But that takes time. This last email was probably my last email to the complex about it. I’ll save them and give them to the lawyer when it’s time for that.

In other news, I am cutting down on the notifications I get on my phone. I use a task reminder list but it is very shouty at me and overwhelming so I am trying to find a way to keep using it because it is helpful without it being so loud. I don’t know. I’ll figure it out.

Also I have yet to text my mom today. I worry the notification when she texts me back will be upsetting. I’m crying already just thinking about it. So no good morning text for mom.

And I’m not texting Charlie because I am upset at her. I begged and pleaded with her for help and advice and she didn’t respond. I get that she is having troubles because of her mental health and texting is hard, but like really? That’s super not okay to me. I feel abandoned and I don’t think she even cares. I’ve tried to be patient and understanding but I am in crisis and needed her and made that known and she couldn’t respond to even that or react to the message to let me know it had been read and I wasn’t alone. I don’t know. I am very upset about that. I am kind of angry but mostly I feel abandoned which is a massive trigger. I haven’t SHed over it yet but I am holding back tears as I type this.

I feel like I’m going to throw up and I am very tense. Ugh. I probably won’t be able to get any cleaning stuff done today.

And now I am crying a bunch because all I want is to have a friend who responds. But I don’t have any friends that respond. I have no one. And if even Charlie can’t respond, how am I able to trust other people and make friends? I am completely alone and I want to die. I am miserable. All I have are my cats. I am completely alone.

Alone.

[artistic-intrxvert]

!!TW: vent (you can keep scrolling, I just needed to put this somewhere where I will forget about it after I get it off my chest and it will make me feel better)

Sometimes I wonder how my life would be right now if I had gone against certain decisions, you know? I’m almost always certain about something once I think about it for a while but it’s always after I make said decision that I feel like I continue to make more mistakes. I’m indecisive and I cannot understand how my own mind thinks, yet others read me well. I want to be able to go back and fix my mistakes but we all know that’s impossible. Even if it was, it wouldn’t mean that everything would be totally fine now. For instance; a simple decision of coming out to my parents. I am happy I came out, but also at the same time I wish I never said a fucking word. Sometimes I wish I never even bothered talking to people about how I felt about my identity. I don’t even know how I want to present myself anymore because of how overwhelming gender dysphoria is becoming for me. There are people I wish I told them I loved them and some of which I wish I never said anything. There are times I wish I never went skiing in the first place in 2020, otherwise my dad wouldn’t have nearly died. I wish I could go back stop myself from ever being friends with certain people. I wish I could go back and prevent myself from being yelled at as a child. There are so many things I wish I could do…But even then, life is just going to end up being shitty as always for me so what’s even the point of wondering what I could’ve changed? I’m always quick to move on from things but the second I think I’ve moved on I break down realizing I shouldn’t have even thought about giving up certain hobbies, interests, etc. sometimes I just wish I had someone that was someone I could actually get along with and be able to see all the time. I want a sibling that’ll be there for me rather than tease the shit out of me when I slip up or make fun of me for something that’s out of my control. I want a mother who is accepting instead of one who has made me afraid of expression. I want a father who doesn’t pick favorites and loves his children all equally. I want a friend group who can’t judge me for liking certain hobbies or shows or movies. I want someone who can understand me and whom I can understand in return. But no matter how hard I try to connect with people to heal myself and others, I always end up screwing it up. I want to be a good friend, a good sibling, a good son, a good grandchild, a good nephew…But because nobody has ever been able to show me how to understand things instead of stressing me to figure it out on my own, I haven’t been able to process my own choices or thoughts or feelings. This is why I feel so upset whenever I need to make a choice for something as simple as what I want for dinner. I want to be a great artist but I can’t help but compare myself to others. I want to be a great significant other to someone but I can’t help but always feel like a burden to anyone I ever get close to. I want to be a good son but I can’t ever agree with some things my parents believe or choose to follow in life. I want to be able to pass high school and be able to get a sustainable job and career but how can I even do that when the public school system blames students for not understanding material that they don’t teach? How can anything be fair? Because that’s what it’s like to be a human teenager. You have to do things on your own or you’re not going to survive in the “adult world”, you have to have a passion for something that’s actually worth going to college for rather than what you want to go for, you have to be able to understand people despite not ever knowing yourself at all…

I wish I could take back all of my painful or horrible decisions but unfortunately I can’t do that. I want to be someone that isn’t as over emotional about stupid things such as forgetting something that I was asked to bring with me for some place to telling someone the wrong thing.

If you can relate to this at all, you’re not alone. I, too, am struggling heavily. I may not be able to take the pain away, but I can stay with you as we both go through the pain of living life.

[bnavmo]

mindset, reset (lonesome)

collar de perlas y diamantes

por la noche el funeral de los amantes

y retumban los parlantes, incesantes

cuando suenan las melodías de antes

skyrocket, astronomical

the vibes are retro, freak, and diabolical

living in cursive, parabolical

the way we crash and burst, mythological

and our chemistry is beyond anatomical

our similarities and differences paradoxical

it was good while it lasted

the memories, the love we crafted

we did it for fun, we did it for free

i did it for you, you did it for me

i remember when you were my rock

it’s sad that now we don’t even talk

and if i could do it all again, i would

i’d do it cause it made me feel good

i wish i could go back to a simpler time

but the truth is there’s never been one

and i wish i could understand my mind

but that’s something i’ve never done

not one call, not one message to my phone

sitting on my throne, i’m living on my own

and god, it must feel good not to be alone

but the truth is these walls are my only home

life is like a game of cards

and some of us were dealt shitty hands

it’s unfair, yes, how some win and others just lose

it’s draining, how some things we can’t choose

how can you be so bad at something that’s fabricated

if it ain’t real, then why pretend you’re captivated

inhalin’ through my nose, inebriated

everything’s under control, calculated

separating emotion from pleasure

always remember and always measure

don’t give a fuck, that’s a real treasure

replace business for everlasting leisure

every time something happens to me

i keep it to myself, i protect my energy

won’t ever see me cry

won’t ever see me smile

you’ll only get to see me high

prefiero quedarme solo a tener que forzar

cosas que no quiero para poder encajar

y prefiero no tener a nadie que volver a dar

a las personas un trato que no van a reciprocar

i don’t really have much to say about it

if it’s not reciprocated, then i don’t want it

i’d rather turn the pages and get over it

have a vision and do my best to stick to it

you can train your brain

to find joy in pain

to smile and color the rain

to do it over and over again

foggy, cloudy and stormy weather

my life’s about to change forever

i feel it coming, i’m happier than ever

i’m finally getting my shit together

feliz en su propia soledad

vive, sueña y ríe con seriedad

no necesita de nadie

agradece por la tempestad

[that-is-just-so-typically-me]

That post about hitting your kids as appropriate stress relief because parenting is so stressful (I’m not at all shocked that someone on the internet said something fucked up and unjustifiable but this is of course so many worlds beyond fucked up to try and justify)… it’s like… yes it turns out that 99.999% of the time when someone inflicts barbarous harm on another person it’s not because they were “born evil” or woke up one morning and decided with zero contextual circumstances in their perfect life to commit a heinous act against a random person, it’s because a series of stressful events, usually including past trauma and a lack of support and a general threat to their own survival and meeting of their own needs even if it’s just emotional or entirely their own fault for not stepping up or using resources at their disposal or just being a big weak entitled baby, built up and caused them to release that stress on the easiest, nearest target that they actually have power over. Like look at how people treat retail and food service workers, especially look at how that poor behavior increases during the stressful time of year that is the holidays. When you can’t (or feel/think that you can’t) actually remove your stress by eliminating the source OR by coping with it in healthy ways (like taking deep breaths and repeating mantras to yourself instead of exploding at people), people tend to default to transposing their fear- and stress-based aggression onto a target they are certain that they can release onto with absolutely zero consequences. The more private and close the locus of control is the better - so you end up abusing people in your household you have the most power over, like literal children. It’s a tale as old as time!! This is a less-obvious incarnation of the truth that power corrupts. If you are the kind of shitheel that truly would rather let other people burn than do a micron of work on yourself, who takes advantage of someone’s total vulnerability to your moods and decisions, then you’ll of course not do the correct, bare-minimum moral thing, the “harder” thing than exercising a modicum of maturity and decency and figuring out how to handle your stress in a less harmful way to others. So “parenting is stressful” as an excuse for those actions is so beyond buck-wild, like literally that one statement of “absolution” alone is the reason why we have had cycles of abuse for god knows how many millennia. Like that is exactly how every shitty person has justified their actions for all time?? No one out here who has seen a tiny bit of how the world works is thinking people just decide one day to be cartoonishly evil for fun with the tiny rare exception of psychopaths. The reality of the stress they’re under does absolutely jack shit to justify abuse. “You made me hit you”. Lord I know it’s either trolling or just shitty people being shitty on the internet as always but it’s wild to see it worded like a posi-vibes self-care girl-boss post lmao