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deansapplepie · 1 year ago

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Till THE DEAD do us part |Chapter 13

A/N: This story will take place in all the seasons, but it’s not exactly a rewriting cause I’d have to re-watch everything to use the exactly lines of the characters, also I think it’s better if I tell a side story without changing the main facts of the story. This story has a Female Reader, but I don’t describe her appearance, so anyone can identify with her.

Chapter 12 Chapter 14

Series Masterlist Main Masterlist

Chapter 13: This group’s broken

Summary: Randall is still a problem the group needs solve and come to an agreement about. The happenings of the barn is still something shaking some people. Feelings and traumas from the past comes to haunt Y/N making her anxiety boil and overthink a lot.

Warnings: swearing, angst, death, mentions of violence, gore, suicide attempt (not narrated, but mentioned), mentions of depression, mentions of torture, mentions of execution, traumas, anxiety, mentions of abusive relationships, fear of abandonment, brief discreet mentions of sex, loss, grief. Minors do not interact.

Pairing: Daryl Dixon x Grimes!Reader (Rick’s Sister)

Word Count: 5,834

Extra notes: I proofread the text, but English is not my first language, so feel free to correct any mistakes, of course with love. Also, there’s a bunch of warnings in this one but there’s also fluff, comfort and a bit of fun.

Finally Randall’s leg was well enough so he could survive alone in the wild that was Earth now, so Rick and Shane would carry him miles away from the farm and release him. You weren’t very happy about Rick going alone with Shane.

“Let me go with you, please.” You pleaded Rick for the millionth time, Shane wasn’t someone reliable anymore, you couldn’t risk losing your brother again and have Shane coming back with some lame excuse how he made for Otis.

“Y/N, I’m the one here with self defense skills, not you. I can handle myself well without you. I need you here.” Rick said, and that would be the last time he would tell you, he was losing his temper already. “No discussion.”

“Be careful, please. He’s dangerous.” You hugged him and gave him a kiss on his cheek.

“I’ll be, don’t worry. I need this time alone with him. I’m coming back.” He assured you and hoped it would really turn out like this, because you could see the madness in his eyes, and by how we was obsessed with Lori… you didn’t doubt he would be able to do atrocities even to his ‘brother’.

After they left, you couldn’t get rid of the uneasy feeling you had on the pitch of your stomach. You were going to help around in the farm and in the house, but your mind couldn’t stop the worry. You were giving the horses water when you heard a knock on the stables door, you look to your side and you saw Daryl. As much as the idea of scaring you was tempting enough, he chose not to do so.

“Just wanted to let ya know I’m gonna hunt, maybe bring somethin’ good.” He approached you.

“Ok, be careful, please and don’t come back late. I’m already worried enough by Rick.” You said, then looked both sides and didn’t see anyone around. You tiptoed and pecked his lips.

He blushed, he had been doing way more than this with you and he blushed because you gave him a small kiss inside a stable where the only witnesses were the horses. He knew you were worried about Rick being alone with Shane, things between you and Shane had gone bad since the day of the happenings of the barn and it was just going down. When Daryl told you one night that he thought Shane had killed Otis, things spiraled really quick and you started seeing Shane with different eyes, many attitudes from him made sense actually. He wasn’t the person that you used to know anymore.

“Dun worry. Rick’s tough, he basically came back from the dead, nothing bad is happening to him.” He said, he could practically read your mind and know everything you were thinking about it.

“And you?”

“Me too. I’m gonna be careful. I promise, I’ll be back in one piece.” He gave you a quick kiss, you said your goodbyes and you went back to your chores.

Lori was inside the house helping with the chores and also helping Maggie taking care of Beth. She was still not good, she was in a state of depression that got all of you worried. Lori was preparing a lunch for Beth, so you were around the kitchen with her and Maggie. Maggie was talking about Glenn with Lori, you decided to not participate of the conversation, but you were listening to everything. Lori was more experienced on the topic of relationships, you knew what was good or not, but just theoretically. Until now you had had just one boyfriend before Daryl and it was a shitty experience, so you didn’t know if you had something wise to say even though you were older than Maggie. You thought it was a bit too much when Lori said that Glenn should man up, imagine saying it to the young man, he would be sad or really offended, or both.

“Glenn is just scared, he’s a good guy. You’re probably his first love, I can’t say it for sure, but that’s what it seems. He’ll overcome this fear of him. Don’t worry.” You passed an arm on Maggie’s shoulder and gave a little squeeze on her arm to reassure her.

“And how about you and grumpy man? Have you already said the words?” She elbowed you playfully.

“Hmm… no. Not exactly. I don’t know if it’s like this.” You said, you were always reserved about your personal matters, always keeping everything to yourself, afraid to let people know your feelings or to be exposed and feel weak. But maybe, some girl talk wouldn’t be that bad. “He said the other day I was his and I also said it to him…” You paused thinking if you’d say the other thing that came to your mind to them.

“And…?” Lori asked. “We know there’s more. Spill it.”

“He… he said that his… you know… was mine.” You blushed instantly talking about it and thinking about it. Was it correct to tell such thing to others? You never knew what was ok, and what wasn’t, but it’s not like if you were telling all the sordid details of what you two did.

Lori made a face as if she was thinking ‘wow, the man really have some balls’ and Maggie just had a fit of giggles, giving you a side hug and squeezing you. “It’s almost the same thing as saying that 3 words.” Maggie observed.

“It isn’t, this is possessiveness which is normal in relationships even the healthy ones. But anybody can have this without love.” You told Maggie, she was young, probably didn’t have unhealthy relationships she wouldn’t know. You were maybe 8 or 9 years older than her, it was a different experience, especially with broken people.

“Well… everybody can see, but we can’t stop you from being stubborn. I need to go help Glenn, but if you need anything you can call me.” She said and then turned to Lori. “Thank you so much for helping with Beth.”

“It’s nothing really.” Lori said and got the tray to give lunch for Beth.

You stayed at the house and helped Lori at the kitchen, you washed some dishes and cleaned and organized the room. After one hour or so, Lori went to Beth’s room to get the tray back. She came back with untouched food, Beth couldn’t continue like that. When she was throwing away what Beth didn’t eat, she suddenly stopped and ran from the kitchen.

“What happened? Lori?” You asked her, but she was already gone. She came back a knife in hand and in a rush.

“Go and Keep an eye on Beth. I’m gonna bring Maggie or Hershel.” She said and left.

You left the kitchen and went to Beth’s room, on your way you put the pieces together and realized Beth had hidden the knife and was probably going to attempt something against herself. Soon Lori arrived with Maggie and Andrea, Maggie asked to be left alone with Beth and all of you went back to the kitchen.

You were trying to be in good terms with Andrea again, so you decided you’d try not to talk back at her when she said stupid things, even though they were talking about Beth. You just stayed there watching while they talked Andrea thought Beth should make her own choice, which is very different from what happened with her. Beth is just a kid and she’s not dying because she was bitten, so why let her commit suicide? She should be talked to and taken care of to help her get better. You bit your tongue trying to not express yourself, but you just couldn’t contain it when Andrea brought up the fact that Lori had her husband back, her child was saved, she had a baby on the way and had a ‘boyfriend’. And Andrea had to finish bringing you up in the middle of the thing, did you disagree with her? Yes. But did you say anything about it? No, just on your mind. So why bring you to the discussion?

“And you…” She pointed at you startling you at the suddenly call. “You have your brother, your nephew, a new nibling on the way and you’re fucking Dixon like rabbits, you would never understand.”

“Andrea, are you serious? I wasn’t even in the discussion. Why do you always involve me in your shit? You don’t get to speak like this to Lori, we had a lot of blessings, but we also suffered like everyone else. Do you think we were happy the whole time we thought Rick was dead? Or that it didn’t cross our minds that Carl was going to die? You think we didn’t suffer because of Amy, Jim, Jacqui, Sophia or all the others lost we had along the way?” She said everything she wanted to Lori and now she was going to listen to you. “And why do you mind who I fuck? You’re fucking Shane, and nobody told you a word. Mind your own business.”

You almost didn’t stop to breath while the words just came out of your mouth like a waterfall. “I wasn’t going to say anything regarding Beth, but she’s only sixteen. She’s a kid, we have to protect her and try to help her get better, and not encourage the way out. Andrea, I think we’re never going to be in good terms again, there’s no way. You’re not the same anymore.”

You left the house and went back to the camp, finding Carl and Luna playing with a stick. Carl had been acting colder and colder in the last days, it was good to see him being a kid, even if it was for a brief moment. You played a little with them, but to be honest you were still nervous about Andrea and worried about Beth.

After 30 minutes, maybe one hour, you didn’t know exactly, you heard a commotion in the house. You told Carl to stay there and ran to see what happened. When you arrived to the source Lori and Maggie had just opened the door to the bathroom and there was a crying Beth, hand on her bleeding pulse, asking for help and saying she was sorry. You learned Maggie had left Beth alone with Andrea and it was her biggest mistake, because she left the girl alone and God knows what she said to her. Maggie had a fight with Andrea and told her to never again step in the house. You were done, your stress level was up on the sky already.

When it was almost getting dark you saw Daryl coming back, you walked in his direction happy to see him and have an excuse to not be in the camp, hence near to Andrea. You met him halfway, he had some rabbits and squirrels, you knew it probably wasn’t what he really wanted but you were grateful for any meat that he brought back.

“I thought you’d never comeback.” You said walking by his side.

“I said I’d comeback.” He answered and took a quick glance at you. “Jus’ didn’t wanna comeback without something.”

“We’re all grateful to you, bringing meat or not.” You said while you arrived the small camp of yours.

He took everything he needed to start to skin what he brought and clean so it would be ready for consumption. You sat near him observing his work, you never tried, but now you had observed him doing it so much that you’d probably be able to skin something if you needed or wanted to.

“Wha’s wrong?” He asked still concentrated on his job. Once again, you were surprised on how he could know something was not right. “I can see all over ya that somethin’ is bothering ya.”

“Today was a stressful day” You propped your elbows on your knees and rested your face between your hands. You recalled all the situation with Beth and Andrea, and you just wish this day didn’t happen, and it was far from being one of your worst days.

“Wha’ happened?” He lifted his head from his work and took a look at you. You looked tired, everyone was always tired nowadays, but it was not only physical it seemed that your mind was also tired.

“Andrea was a bitch. I swear I tried to be on good terms with her again. And Beth tried the way out, I believe encouraged by Andrea. Maggie left them alone and Andrea also left Beth alone.” You gave him the short story of all that happened. “I should have gone with you.”

“Yeah, ya should.” That was his way of saying ‘I missed you’.

Soon you saw the car in which Rick, Shane and Randall left arriving back in the property. When you saw Rick getting off the car you felt relieved to see him, but apparently they had comeback with Randall. Shit, it wasn’t over. As soon as Daryl finished skinning and cleaning the hunt, you went to to the camp to meet Rick and know what happened.

Once you arrived you saw that Rick had bruises and cuts on his face, no way it was the kid, walkers? No. It was Shane. Damn, he had the audacity to attack Rick. You didn’t even think, you turned around, hot headed and ready to go look for Shane and beat the hell out of him.

“Where d’ya think ya’re going?” Daryl hold your arm stopping you to go anywhere. He knew where you were going, sometimes he could read you so easily that it surprised him.

“I’m going to give Shane hell, nobody gets to touch my brother.” You yanked your arm from Daryl’s hand, just for him to catch you again, holding his arms around you so you couldn’t go. That wasn’t the moment for you to be reckless.

“Y/N, do you think I was just beaten? I also beat him.” Rick reasoned with you.

“Either way, it wasn’t enough, he deserves worse.” You said, still fighting – in vain - in Daryl’s arm.

“Woman, stop. Ya’re being more hot-head and stubborn than me.” Daryl turned you around and hold you by the shoulders. “Look at me.” He commanded, and you looked at him, right in his beautiful blue eyes. “Don’t do anything stupid. He’s uncontrollable and ya know it. If he lays a finger on ya, I dunno what I’m capable of doing and I dun wanna find out.”

“Ok.” You answered and didn’t try to go for Shane, but you still felt like ending him. “Why did you bring the kid back?” You directed the question to Rick.

“He said he studied with Maggie. Which means he knows where the farm is.” Rick ran his hand on his face. “We’ll need another solution.”

The other day, after breakfast, Daryl went to the room where Randall was, he said he was going to talk with him. It was taking a long time for him to return and you were starting to get worried.

“Ok, that’s it. I’m going to see what is taking him so long to come back.” You told your brother.

“Don’t, the kid is handcuffed. There’s nothing he can do against Daryl.” Rick said standing on your way. “I don’t wanna you close to that guy.”

“I think you had said you’d stop treating me like a child, Rick.” You looked at his face and you could see there was something wrong. “Are you two hiding something? That’s it? Now you have secret agreements between both of you?”

Before Rick could say anything, you saw Daryl coming in your direction. Was that Blood on his hand? ‘Holy shit! What the hell have you done Daryl Dixon?’, you thought. He arrived telling you all the information he got from the kid, there were 30 in his group, they were violent and dangerous, they raped women. You followed Daryl to your tent, you could feel he was still angry, so you were thinking about what should be the best approach.

“D. Let me see your hands.” You requested and he started organizing his things to leave and go into the woods.

“There’s nothing to see, I’m good.” He said with some arrows in his hand.

“Daryl.” He ignored you.

“Daryl Dixon.” He ignored you again, stuffing things on his backpack, so you just got close to him silently and yanked his backpack throwing it on the ground.

“What the fuck Y/N?” He shouted at you, now you had his full attention.

“Stop, this shit! I’m talking to you, your hands are hurt! Let me take care of them.” You told him your voice high. He looked at you impatient. You took his hand and guided him to one of the beach chairs. “Sit.”

“I ain’t a dog.” He complained while you made him sit.

“So, why are you obeying me?” You threw back while you picked the First Aid kit inside the tent. You were playing with fire and you knew it.

He tried to get up while he mumbled something in protest that you couldn’t understand. But you were faster than him and pressed his shoulder down so he would sit again. You took the other chair and brought it close to him, sitting in front of him, your legs between his so you could be closer to take care of his hand.

“Gimme your paw, I mean, your hand.” You joked one hand extended on his direction waiting for him to give you his hand. “If I’m a puppy, you might as well be one. Or maybe you’re a Kitten, you are as skittish as one.”

He gave you his left hand very reluctantly, but he knew you would not let him be if he didn’t. You took his hand and saw how his knuckles were hurt, your heart ache by seeing his hand like this, but you also felt uneasy about the young man that was on the other side of his fist. You took some alcohol and wet a cotton swab to pass where he was hurt.

“It’s gonna hurt.” You alerted him, he didn’t say anything. He just observed your small hand holding his and tendering his wounds with the cotton swab, hissing when it hurt too much. “Did Rick ask you to do this?”

“No.” He answered, short… good he didn’t want to talk.

“Did he know about it?”

“Maybe.” He answered eyes on your hands now cleaning the wounds with boric-water.

“Or he did or he didn’t. Gonna take it as he did, he was acting suspect.” You stated, looking at your first aid kit for some ointment.

“Are ya angry at me?” He asked while you passed the ointment on his wounds.

“No, just concerned and upset. Gimme your other hand.” You took his other hand and started to give the same care. “I don’t like both of you hiding things from me.”

“ ‘m sorry, ya dun agree with what I’ve done, do ya?” He asked, head still down paying attention to you.

“Torturing isn’t right.”

“I didn’t have an option, we needed the information about his group.” You cleaned his other hand. “His group… the things he said they did… he’s not someone to be around or for us to let go, he knows where the farm is.”

“So, do you think we should kill him?” You asked a cotton swab passing on his hand.

“Yes.” He said, you were conflicted. You were always taught that killing was wrong, you can’t take life from someone. Unless it’s a walker, of course. Or, if your life is in danger. But execute someone? It sounded wrong, but at the same time… you should think about the group safety. “Don’t ya agree?”

“I don’t know… I think it’s wrong, but I also see that we’re out of better options.” You passed the ointment on his hand.

“Are ya comin’ to the woods with me?” He asked a little apprehensive that you wouldn’t want to be with him because you were upset.

“Thought you’d never ask.” You looked at him and smiled, no way you’d be stuck in the farm again in the middle of all the chaos.

You were having things done to go, when you saw Dale arriving followed by Luna swinging her tail. Dale came to talk to you about the decision of killing Randall, he wanted to know what both of you thought, and of course try to convince you otherwise if you thought the boy should be killed.

“I’m not sure Dale, really. At the same time I think we shouldn’t, I don’t see any other solution.” You said, despite you thought your opinion would not be so important in the end. Dale tried reasoning with Daryl to no avail.

“This group’s broken.” He said, and when you heard that… you couldn’t help but feel bad. Was really your group broken? Did Daryl think the group wasn’t good enough for him anymore? Did he want to leave? Would he leave without you? Would he even tell you if he decided to leave? Was he tired of you?

You were so caught up in your anxious thoughts that you didn’t even saw that Dale was long gone and Daryl was calling you so you could go. “Pup, what’s wrong?” He asked, his hand waving in front of you worried.

“Nothing.” You lied, and he knew you lied. “Let’s go?”

He got his things, you got yours, Luna followed you and you walked silently until you reached the woods. You were open and comfortable with Daryl, you always were and it even annoyed you some times, because you would speak whatever is on your mind, and in your opinion you said things you shouldn’t say. But you couldn’t talk about your feelings, or you tried not to, because of a bunch of insecurities clouding your thoughts. He wasn’t also very comfortable about talking about feelings, so it was understandable, but at the same time he felt uneasy if he didn’t know everything that’s on your mind. He held your hand and it startled you from your unstoppable thoughts.

“Ya lied again.” He didn’t took his eyes from the woods searching for any danger or possible hunt. His voice didn’t change the tone, there was no anger or negative feelings on his speaking.

“I don’t wanna talk about my feelings.” You said looking at your feet attentive to where you stepped, your other hand slightly brushing over Luna’s head.

“But I want to know what ya’re feeling. I need to.” He said, damn… did he sound vulnerable? Was he weak? He couldn’t allow himself to look pathetic and weak, but he also didn’t want to mistreat you. “ ‘m not good talking ‘bout feelings, but I always need to know yers.”

You stopped walking and you turned to him, now holding both of his hands, or more like his hands engulfing yours. “Be honest.”

“Never lied to ya.” He said looking at your face while you were looking down at your hands. “Look at me, please.”

You lifted your head, looking right at his eyes and all you saw was worry. You took a deep breath taking all the courage you had to speak. “Are you…” ‘not happy with me?’ You wanted to complete but stopped mid-sentence. “Do you wanna leave us?”

“Of course not. Where did this come from?” He asked, but before you could answer his mind started to put the pieces together. “That’s because I said the group’s broken, isn’t it?”

“Yes” you said, just that. Unable to say more or add anything else that were running like a tornado inside your mind.

“It wasn’t a lie. I think the group’s broken. Shane’s crazy. Andrea’s reckless and listens to Shane. Carol’s still broken because of Sophia. Glenn… if Hershel decided to kick us from the farm, he’d stay behind and I don’t blame him. This group isn’t like it used to be, not that we were perfect befor’ , we never were.” You took all his words putting everything together and trying to reason what he said. Still feeling uneasy. “Wha’s on yer head?”

“It’s just… when you said it, it seemed like you didn’t care anymore about the group or what happens with it.” You looked at his growing bangs that fell on his forehead, or you wouldn’t be able to say it if you looked at his eyes. “Or…” You paused, no, no, you couldn’t say what you were thinking not at all. You’d scare him, he’d leave you.

“Or wha’ baby?” You looked at his eyes again, and with the worry you saw a softness that you didn’t quite know what it meant. He never called you ‘baby’ outside of the sheets and it made your heart jump and butterflies fly in your stomach.

“Or…” you shifted your eyes to look at your hands, tears threatening to fall. Shit. Why were you so emotional and making a big thing of something this small. “That you didn’t want me and would leave.”

Things had been so good between both of you, that Daryl forgot you still had traumas from your past relationship, traumas that would trigger only when you were in a relationship and could experience things again. And now, was one of those moments. He couldn’t imagine half the shit you’ve been put through so you’d think he would leave you or that he didn’t want you, after he asked you to live with him, after he showed you his scars… after both of you broke so many walls that were built around yourselves.

He let go of your hands and hugged you, you always reassured him when he had his insecurities, now was the moment for him to do the same for you. “I ain’t leaving.” One of his arms was around your waist while the other was in your head bringing your face to hide between his chest and shoulder. “I want ya, and I dun see myself not wanting ya any time soon.”

It was as if a tap was open and the tears that were in your eyes fell making you let little sniffs and hold both hands on Daryl’s vest. “I told Rick, and I’m telling ya now, I ain’t playing with ya.” He didn’t put any names on what you had, he never said ‘I like you’ or ‘I love you’, he didn’t even know how to name what he felt or if he could feel any of those things. But he knew he wanted you, he needed you and he was going to protect you. He had already told you, you were his and indirectly that he was yours, but he couldn’t bring any of those words, these simple words scared him… So he said what he could manage to come out of his mouth. “We’re together.”

You took your face from his chest and looked at his face, he was serious, this wasn’t any sick joke. You should’ve known, you knew Daryl, he wasn’t like that… and you never doubted it. You shouldn’t start doing it now just because you had a relationship. He was not him. He was Daryl and you knew you could trust him. “I’m sorry. I think my period is close, or something…” It was probably something, but you could always blame the hormones, so why not?

He kissed the top of your head tenderly and looked at your face again, now you were better. You looked more like yourself when there wasn’t all those intrusive thoughts and anxiety. “What do ya say I teach ya a little bit of hunting and tracking?” He asked.

“I was waiting for the day you’d offer me this.” You smiled, your hands now resting flat open on his chest. “I’d love if you taught me.”

When it was close to sunset you and Daryl came back to the farm, you didn’t hunt anything as he taught you were still learning so it didn’t go good. He held your hand in his intertwining your fingers and you walked in silence, Luna leading the way in front of you sometimes stopping to wait for your slow asses.

In the moment you arrived at the farm Rick made a call, he was waiting for both of you to make a reunion so everyone could say their opinions about the boy Randall. Everyone except Dale wanted to kill the young man, Dale was extremely disappointed. You still didn’t know what to think about it, but you knew Dale was right.

“I’m with Dale.” You suddenly said and walked to stay by Dale’s side, even though you knew there was no way of winning the vote, you wanted to stay true to yourself. “He’s not his group and as far as we know he didn’t commit a crime that he deserves death penalty.”

You felt like you would combust at any moment just by the stares of Rick and Daryl that didn’t quite understand why you were siding with Dale and not thinking clearly about the wellbeing of the group. Shane also looked at you like you were insane, but you didn’t give a single fuck about it, so it was ok. The others were neutral at you. Soon Andrea also said she was with Dale, but in the end you three weren’t enough to deprive the group from killing Randall.

Everybody left the room to continue their activities, it was getting dark so Daryl, Rick and Shane would take the prisoner to do what they needed to. You were ready to descend the porch stairs when Daryl held your arm slightly and put you aside.

“We need to talk.” He said, and you already knew.

“Is it because I agreed with Dale?” You asked, you knew the answer. “Do you hate me because I disagreed from the group?” All that mattered was that if he would change about you just because you didn’t agree with them.

“Yeah, and I dun hate ya.” Actually it was quite the opposite, but he was concerned about your choices.

“I knew the majority of us would choose his death, my vote would make no difference. So I decided to stay true to myself.” You said, you could see understanding crossing his face by each word you said. “Just because I don’t think it’s right, it doesn’t mean it doesn’t need to be done.”

He nodded at you. “Alright, I ain’t upset. Go stay with Lori while we do this.”

You were with Lori when you saw the three taking Randall to the barn, you held your sister’s hand as a comfort for you. You weren’t going to see the execution, but knowing someone, a human being would be killed in the same place you were was scaring. You were comfortable killing walkers, they weren’t alive anymore, they were just walking corpses. In reality you thought it was merciful to kill the monster that once was a person.

“Don’t think much about it, it’s worse if you do.” Lori tried to calm your nerves, but it was impossible to not think about it.

After some time you didn’t listen to any gun shot and soon you saw Rick and Carl arriving to camp. Wait, Carl? Shit. Shit. Shit. Rick explained that Carl went there to see and that he was encouraging to kill the man. What was happening to the kid? He couldn’t lose himself so quickly like this. Rick wasn’t able to do this with Carl looking, so he postponed the execution.

“Where’s Daryl?” You asked, you saw everyone but him.

“He’s locking Randall again, he’s probably gonna be here soon.” As soon as he finished talking all of you listened to extremely pained screams.

Dale!

You ran in the direction of the screams, Daryl being the first to arrive started shouting for help. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. It was bad. All of you arrived almost at the same time and what you saw was heartbreaking, all his guts coming out of his ripped stomach. No. You cried. No.

“Hershel!” Rick shouted, the only thing he thought was you all needed him there to take care of Dale.

“It’s too late, Rick.” You said, tears rolling down your cheeks. You knew as much medicine as Hershel knew, both of you vets, the old man was just more experienced and have treated more people than you, that had only cleaned T.’s wound and took care of Daryl’s hands. “There’s nothing he can do.”

Hershel arrived and said the same thing, you couldn’t even move Dale. He was agonizing. Andrea pleaded that someone did something. Everyone was in pain by seeing Dale like that. He didn’t deserve this kind of death. Rick aimed his gun at Dale, it was best if someone ended this for him. You turned your back, you didn’t want to see, you had already seen more than you wanted to see. You wait for the gun shot, but before you listen to it there’s a raspy voice. “Sorry, brother.” And soon after Daryl’s voice the sound of the shot.

You were waiting for the shot. You knew it was going to happen, but you jumped at it a cry living your lips. You covered your mouth trying to muffle your sobs. You felt a pain in your chest, everybody felt it. There were cries, sobs and lamenting.

That night you cried yourself to sleep, and it wasn’t a peaceful one, even having Daryl’s soothing presence near you.

Dale was the group’s heart and now you felt like your group were definitely broken.

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yanderederee · 1 year ago

Text

Rest,

tw: mild self harm. Comfort post tho.

Baji gave you a pitiful look as tears streamed down your face. Stone solid and eyebrows furrowed. Silent.

“You’re overwhelming yourself-” he started in, but so over hearing the same things over and over again, you practically scream back. “No shit! I can’t catch a break! I literally have nothing to show for all my hard work I’ve done! The phones won’t stop ringing! I hear them in my sleep, Kei!!” You cried, shaking from the anger and stress that’s build up all day.

“I’m literally working my ass off and there’s no quantifiable measure of it!” You cried into your fists, accidentally allowing your muscles to take over when one of those fists came crashing down against your head.

“What the hell stop that!” Baji yelled back, going to grip at the offending fist. But now wasn’t the time. You pulled your fist away from his grip and screamed with all your pent up feelings. “It’s such bullshit! I can’t keep a solid strain of thought for longer than five fucking minutes Kei! I’m more capable than this!”

You had tried to run through your coping techniques. Deep breathing. Venting your emotions. Write them down and burn them. Cry. Running through everything you should be doing adding fuel to your demise. For your job, take applications. Render them. Data entry. Return emails. Answer phone calls. Reply to voicemails. Handle walk-ins. Everything. Everything. Everything-

Without realizing, you were hyperventilating while you curled up around yourself. Shaking and crying openly now. “It’s not that hard Kei! I’m capable! I-I can do these things! So why—“ you sobbed harder, your nails digging so deeply into your scalp, until you were pulling on the strands of hair beneath.

“It’s okay,” Baji spoke up in his deep vibrado. He pushed his thumbs into your palms, releasing the vice grip you had on your hair, assessing for any bruising you may have given yourself. “Being hard on yourself isn’t gonna make the work any easier.”

“You’re taking things at the only pace you know how. Too much too fast.” He knew you were about to retort back when your squeezed your grip around his thumbs, but before you had the chance to do that and push him away again, Baji pulled your head in and circled one arm around your neck. “Calm down first, nothin’ good ever came from solving problems in this kind of state of mind.”

The way he spoke was more order like, but it was comforting. There was no room for argument. No room for doubt or disagreement. He was right. There wasn’t anything you could say to take away what he meant. Baji pulled you in close for a hug, the compression against your body made you realize just how overworked your muscles actually were.

“They’ll hire another smart ass to take some of that work load off of ya. Don’t work on getting everything done, just what’s in front of you.” He consoled you with words you used to give him in your youth.

‘It’s okay to be there for Kazu! But beating up Chi—‘

‘You don’t know shit, shut the fuck up’

‘Oh you wanna play it like that?!’

Even if he was stronger than you, there was no way in hell he could push you around like he normally would. Even when you tackled him down to the ground and practically concussed the poor guy with you shaking him by the collar of his stupid Valhalla jacket.

‘You’re being a dick! Burning the bridge with toman ain’t gonna save anyone from anything! Tryna prove your loyalty?! Give me a break! Your acting might’ve fooled those bunch of bone heads, but you can’t fool me, idiot!’

Tears were streaming down your face at this point.

‘Stop it with these dumb back alley tactics! Would it kill you to be honest!?”

Seeing Chifuyu’s beaten up face really set you into a spiral.

‘You. Don’t. Know. Shit.’ Baji tried spitting back, only for your to yell in his face again.

‘I KNOW YOU KEI! STOP TRYING TO PLAY THE BAD GUY! I-‘

You finally stopped your assault on the poor guy.

‘I know you won’t stop trying to save everyone. That’s who you are… B’but damnit Kei..! You… don’t kill yourself in the process.. please,’

Keisuke Baji has never broke a promise with you. Not once. Not after that day.

You were too important to lose to underhand fightings.

“You’re doing enough.”

“Alright, rest” he ordered finally, pulling your entire body out from its seat across from him, and into his lap. “Take a nap. When you feel up to it, we’ll grab a bite to eat.”

“Just stay here and rest. We’ll get through it. Promise.”

#tokyo revengers #baji keisuke #tokyo revengers x reader #baji #tokyo rev #tokyo rev x y/n #baji x reader #baji keisuke x reader #keisuke baji x reader #tokyo rev comfort #tokyo revenger x reader #tokyo revengers fluff

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th0tsuk1b4kuh03 · 8 months ago

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Ardeen

A fire was cackling right underneath me whilst many people watched the pyre lit aflame. “May thy witch burn here on earth and in the pits of hell's depth.” A man beside said to the crowd as the flames quickly spread around me. I close my eyes as the heat becomes unbearable. I feel the flames melting away my skin. I want to scream. Scream as loud as I could, cry out for help and do it all over. But no. No screams. Just the immense pain of being burned alive.

You might wonder ‘how did I eventually end up in this shithole while I seemed like a normal maiden they used to burn back then?’ Hah, no. The answer is quite simple. Sins. In my case it was vengeance. Oh the wrath and the bittersweet taste of revenge I felt back then. The still delightful aftertaste after many, many decades. That is exactly why I nowadays live in the Ring of Wrath. Really, fuck this place. Everyone is always so upfront and self-centered. Honestly, I did not even deserve to be here in the first place… I mean sure, murdering your family, feeding their flesh to the dogs and yourself might seem a bit… Cruel… But I know I am a reasonable person! If they did not treat me as an animal I would not have started behaving like one. I am quite sure they are down here too and running into them would not be the biggest problem here… The biggest problem is the residence itself. You have to watch out with every step you make or take because there might be lurking danger around the very corner of your very own doorstep. That's why I decided I was going to step up my game and pay a long-term visit to the newest hotel; The Hazbin Hotel.

“Guys! Guys. I just received a notice that we'd be having our third recruit! Isn't this so exciting!!!” Charlie beamingly exclaimed as she rushed to the lounge where all her friends were gathered by her call. “Calm down, Charlie,” Vaggie placed her hand on her Girlfriend's shoulder. “No! This is the first time someone willingly joined!” She was too excited to calm down. Angel Dust huffed and looked up from his phone. “Hey, who am I then?” Charlie chuckled a bit awkwardly, “Uh, you're our first resident, but that doesn't really apply to you because you're our friend. This time…” — “This time it's a complete stranger and we're going to make this place pretty squeaky clean! We don't want to make it look like she isn't welcome!” She grabbed Vaggie's shoulders and shook her violently. “Great, another whiny woman.” Husk said, before anyone could answer him he walked to the bar and chugged the first and best bottle of beer he could find. “Wonderful, my dear. I shall prepare the hotel to your desires.” Alastor stood up from the couch, tossing and catching his cane. “Heheh, kill all bugz til clean…~” Niffty ran after a bunch of cockroaches with a knife; the usual. “Make dem suffr…~” Charlie had a satisfied and motivated grin plastered on her face. “Great, that's settled! This is gonna be fuckin' awesomeee!”

#my writing #hazbin hotel #oc #charlie morningstar #vaggie #angel dust #husk hazbin hotel #alastor #niffty #fanfic

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agentlemansavage · 9 months ago

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So. Let's talk about this year.

So quick summary the girl I was interested gave up on us. I could say alot about this but right now I'm just hoping she realizes she made a mistake and at the minimum continues our friendship.

My uncle is in the hospital. He likely doesn't have very long. This man basically raised me. He's the reason I ended up so different than the rest of my siblings. Seeing him like this kills me.

My friend with cancer isn't doing well, he actually got a second colostomy bag because the tumor had gotten so big that it basically messed up the first one. He's lost alot weight he isn't doing great and he also doesn't have very long.

Career: Back when the girl and I were still talking I filled out a bunch of apps in Florida and got a call back and they wanted me to start. The position was actually great and would have been a great next step in my career however with her and I not talking it would be strange to take the job. So I turned it down which sucks but I also don't want to end up looking like the crazy ex thing.

To top that off at my current job I'm also in deep water. Basically I hadn't slept in days and had a small mental break and didn't really call into work or anything and had a few days of no call no shows. So dealing with all of that fun repercussions but I have a few interviews so hopefully something happens soon.

Therapy. I have such a love hate relationship with therapy. I put alot of pressure on myself to take care of everyone and it's not healthy and it has caused me to not take care of myself. I have also come to realize I made my self worth so much about sex that i honestly believed that was the only thing anyone could ever end up wanting from me. It's where i have most of my self worth and it's weird to say and think about but to say it's caused problems in my life would be an understatement. So I'm trying to work through this.

I've been back to the gym almost everyday for 2 weeks now. It's helping me find some more stability as i get myself figured out and get back to a version of myself I can be proud of. I actually folded and out away all my laundry and have made Sunday my official cleaning day. I'm also considering going back to school although i may just work on some certifications to advance a few things. Oh and a few months ago i bought a Spanish app which I'm working through bit by bit too

Right now everything kinda just isn't great. I'm trying to stay positive but I'm finding it really hard and overall i just feel so defeated. Going to try and write some small updates once a month. Also going to try for the 100th time to do something with this blog and get it to a good state again.

That's about it. Sorry it's all word vomit I had to start somewhere.

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randomartistherelol · 7 months ago

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more of this (but it’s the value pack)

Rayman,grinning: I have a knife!

GF: Put it down, Rayman.

Rayman : Make me! *sprints away*

GF:My aesthetic is "would be suspected of witchcraft by small town citizens."

Blue, texting Rayman :Rayman there’s a moth on the outside of the bathroom door can you get rid of it?

Blue: Pls hurry because I’m going to cry

Blue: Rayman

Rayman: Rayman is dead. You’re next. Love, Moth.

Rayman: Do you know a turtles only weakness?

Peppino: No... well, their slowness.

Rayman: Their weaknesss is they can't roll over when they are on their backs.

Rayman: Now I have a plan.

Rayman: If I duct tape two turtles together, they'll be unstoppable.

Peppino: Wow, I feel happy and I’m having so much fun!

Peppino:

Peppino: narrows eyes* Something’s wrong here.

Blue: *Pulls a glass a water from out of nowhere*

Rayman : Where did you get that?

Blue: My pocket.

Rayman : How do you keep a glass of water in your pocket?

Blue: Skills.

Peppino: Don’t worry, I know exactly what I’m doing. Everything is going to be fine!

Blue: How can you still say that?

Peppino: Because sometimes, when things get tough, denial is all we have.

Blue: Do you want to play 20 Questions?

Rayman : Sure!

Rayman : Whats your favorite color?

Blue, laser f[###]ing focused: Triangle. Do you like men?

Blue: *raises eyebrows*

Rayman : Put those back down!

Blue, to Peppino: Look at you! All cute and small! I could just eat you up!

Peppino: *proceeds to kick them in the shin and run away*

Rayman , walking past: Rule number 1, don't call Peppino cute or small.

Peppino: When I was your age-

Blue, mocking Peppino: When I was your height.

Peppino:

Peppino: Listen here you little sh[##]-

Peppino, trying to comfort Rayman : What's the problem? Anxiety? Low self-esteem? Obsessive thoughts of random arson? I've been there.

GF: I think we can all agree I’m the ten amongst these threes.

Blue, hungover: Please tell me I'm imagining that I claimed I was king of the ducks.

GF: I would, but then I would be lying to the King of All Ducks.

Rayman : What situation is not instantly improved by the addition of fishnets, I ask you.

Peppino: Being a fish.

Rayman : Well, sh[##].

Blue: What if Cinderella was a baking slave instead of a cleaning slave, and her name was Mozzarella?

Peppino: Don't ever speak to me again.

Peppino: Don't worry, I've got a few knives up my sleeve.

Blue: I think you mean cards.

Rayman : They did not.

Peppino, pulling out knives: I did not.

All 4 of them: I tried to write ‘I'm a functional adult’ but my phone changed it to ‘fictional adult’ and i feel like that’s more accurate.

Rayman : Remember how I once thought that this place couldn’t possibly be any weirder than my hometown?

Rayman : Well, now I’m not sure how to feel about being proven wrong.

GF: It's called cauliflower, not ghost broccoli.

Rayman , eyes wide: I know what I saw.

Peppino: I didn’t even realize how sarcastic I was being. It’s starting to become a problem, I think.

Blue: Yeah, well I've never died so how do I know that god is real.

GF: Peppino, I am questioning your sanity...

Rayman : I never questioned it, I knew their sanity was missing from the start.

Peppino: *seductively takes off glasses* Wow, you're... blurry.

Blue: I could kill you if I wanted.

Peppino: Yeah? So could any other human being. So could a dog. So could a dedicated duck. You aren't special.

Blue: Change is inedible.

Peppino: Don’t you mean inevitable?

Blue, spitting out a bunch of pennies: No, I really didn’t.

#Multifandom #peppino spaghetti #multifandom account #Rainbow friends blue #rayman #fnf Gf #MultiFandom Madness

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casketscratch · 7 months ago

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There is so much happening with my family that any time I try to sit down and put words to it, my brain just stalls. Tires stuck in the mud and going nowhere while you hit the gas kind of feeling.

Content warnings for way too much writing, way too much writing about my own family, grief, child abuse, denial, suicide threats (not mine, just mention of someone else's), cocsa, sorry if I missed any but consider it a dumping ground.

My maternal grandad passed away earlier this year. As my sister put it: my dad sucked, my stepdad sucked, and he was really the only one in the family who you'd call fatherly. I haven't cried about it. I haven't missed him. I haven't felt anything except nothing. Which I also know isn't true, because when I went to see him in the hospital for the last time (knowing it would be the last time), we dissociated so severely in the car on the way home that we split. So there was something there! And now it's gone.

Since he passed, my grandma moved in with my aunt, who couldn't cope. She's... I don't know. I try to be compassionate. I try to be understanding. I know this aunt endured a lot of abuse, and as a kid there was always some crisis revolving around her mental health. Not to be dismissive -- there was a stalker that her mom/my grandma enabled, she was assaulted as a teenager and never got the help she needed, her parents were genuinely neglectful in a lot of ways. My grandma in particular.

I don't really want to get into the weeds about her because it's not the point. The point is that the entire family has suffered for years because she basically sucks the rest of us dry. Even as a little kid, I couldn't ask my family for help or tell them anything because there was always a crisis going on that revolved around her problems.

After a few weeks of living with my grandma, she messaged a bunch of us basically saying that we needed to relocate my grandma for 4 weeks because my aunt needs space to "work on herself." i.e., she's finally taking therapy seriously but only has 4 sessions left because This Fucking Province.

Which... great, because in the lead-up to that e-mail, a lot of us had been talking about learning how to set boundaries as a family, supporting her without constantly rearranging our lives and bankrupting ourselves to pay her rent and bills, about not walking on eggshells because if she gets upset then she'll disappear for hours and vaguepost about suicide. She's in her 50's and it just sets my teeth on edge because I have been catering to her wellbeing my whole life, at my own expense. My sister, too. She had a whole crying breakdown the last time we saw each other because she'd had no room or time to grieve, or take care of her own kids, because she's sort of terrified (I think) that she'll fail to show up for my aunt one day and then be the reason my aunt kills herself. And to some extent I think our entire immediate family acts this way. It's not sustainable anymore.

Which is something I finally expressed to my mom. Whose basement I am living in after having to quit my job, flee the city I was in, etc. You know. Actual crisis, life or death shit. (This is also the aunt who, when I told her I'd been dx'd with DID, thinking she was maybe the one person in the family who'd understand it as someone who's openly lived with CPTSD and talks about it a lot, told me that "just because doctors say you have something, doesn't mean you do" and that was the end of that).

So my grandma is now living with us for four weeks so my aunt can "have space" by entirely upending her grieving mother's life and kicking her out with only a few days notice.

And, like, there is a lot wrapped up in my feelings about my aunt. There's a kind of fucked up survivor's guilt, right? I'm the "good" victim who's "doing the work," it feels like. Somehow I'm more stable despite going through what I did as a kid. Somehow I'm more self-aware and can actually do the work and try to put myself back together. Somehow, somehow, somehow. (It's the DID. Look at us go.)

And there's an endless tug-of-war between trying not to victim blame her, and... just being fucking honest. She's manipulative. She's poisoning the relationships a lot of us worked really hard to heal. No, it's not okay or normal to send us messages about how she's trying to remove some component of her car so she can fill it with exhaust. No, it's not okay to kick your widowed mother out with no notice after committing to living with her and we all pitched in around the clock to make it happen. No, it's not okay to turn around 8 weeks later and reverse course entirely, while trying to talk us into continuing to help pay for a 2 bedroom apartment all to yourself now, or whatever. No matter what happened to her, none of that is okay!

What's gutting me is how much my mom agreed with me, and how hard she's reversed course. I was honest weeks ago, explaining to her that my aunt has always done this -- and my mom... isn't not helping her, but is more invested in helping me. She helped me paint my room last weekend because the wall colours would trigger me so badly that I was dissociating and carving "fix it" into the paint, because they were the same colour as one of the rooms I was y'know, [redacted] in as a kid.

She's recommitted to helping me with therapy and showing up and not leaving me hanging for months. She plainly said that she does not want my aunt to interfere with my recovery, that she's spent HER whole life taking care of her younger sister like this, and can now see the toll it had on her own family/kids, and it's not okay.

I don't know what to do with this. I really don't. Mostly I feel guilty knowing a lot of people in my situation don't get that kind of help, too. My mom was mostly not around when I was a kid because she was in school and working full time -- we were living with this aunt, and my grandparents, so they more or less collectively ignored raised me. My mom truly had no idea about the abuse and trafficking, and has been so helpful this last year. I grew up bitter and angry at her, but a lot of the work early on in my trauma shit was realizing that I was (I am so ashamed to type this for some reason, even if it's kind of just facts) really just brainwashed by my dad's side of the family against her. It's complicated.

So, okay, right? My aunt is a lot, but it's something I spoke to my therapist about, he helped me with boundaries and encouraged me to focus on my own stuff, because my aunt is the sort of person who... no matter how many times you show up, it won't change her. You just keep showing up until you're drained, and she moves on to the next person.

My grandma, on the other fucking hand.

Couldn't be here 48 hours before she was sitting down and bringing up the kids I grew up with. The ones whose parents were also involved in the same trafficking rings. She has no idea; she will never have any idea. She is so, so insistent on seeing only the good in people that it has ruined this family, it feels like. She enabled her daughter's stalker. She defended my mom's rapist/my sister's biodad because there must have been some good in him (he fled the country on suspicion of murder and my sister is working with the RCMP about it, but never mind that part either). She continued to be friends with my stepdad after I told her what he'd done. She chided me for going no contact with my biodad because "he always gave such nice gifts."

She started talking about those kids, anyway. And about how one of them was just a Bad Kid, malicious and evil at 8 years old, or whatever. She would babysit the neighbourhood kids after school, so there were often a bunch of them over at our place. She was talking about how one afternoon someone turned the knobs on the barbecue outside, turning the gas on, and she almost lit a cigarette before smelling it and nearly blew herself up. Clearly on purpose!

My mom interjected to be like, that's just kids playing with knobs and things, and I cut in with... she was a really abused kid at home. She wasn't bad, her family was horrific, and I left it at that. And my grandma?

"Oh, but their house was always so clean, I can't believe that!"

Which mostly felt like I was smacked across the face, and I think Stephan fronted, because I heard myself say something like, "what the fuck does that have to do with anything?" and then it's a lot of fog.

My mom even pointed out how this friend would often have to borrow my pants because she wet herself so often, and how that was a sign of CSA, and it just didn't matter to my grandma. My friend was just "lazy."

Anyway, "It's just so unbelievable" there were so many "bad" kids on that block, what a coincidence! So weird how many of us are addicts now, or just dead, when she was friends with all our parents and they were all the greatest people! Haha, how does that happen!

And I saw in that moment just how impossible it would have been for me to ask for help, let alone get it. Nothing can be wrong around her. She needs the world to be perfect, hunky-dory, everyone is good, and it left so many of us wide open to abuse. My aunt included. Myself included. And I kind of see where my aunt developed her constant crisis mode, because only life or death will get through to my grandma -- and even then, not really.

Like. She has singlehandedly facilitated or enabled abuse of most of her family because she refuses to admit people can be bad (and there's the urge to be like... but she's like that for a reason, and deserves sympathy, and surely that means what she did is understandable, and etc.).

I just foresee myself spending a lot of the next 4 weeks in the basement avoiding all of this because we just started doing the real trauma work in therapy, we just started reconnecting with the rage and processing it, and it's like oh god no shove it all back in the box because our aunt said we have to so our grandma will be taken care of!

Fuck that. She can't make it down the stairs and I have a refuge in that. And my room is painted my favourite colours now, I never want to leave it anyway! (It's a very dark navy blue with deep turquoise on one wall.)

Just. It's a lot. It's a lot, a lot, a lot, and I keep compartmentalizing or forgetting why I'm so tired, and so at my wit's end, and none of these are even my problems to deal with in the first place. Maybe that's callous? Maybe not. But either way she sat on my couch, defended several of my traffickers while I tried to point out that they were in fact abusive people, and doubled down about it, and I really don't feel obligated to cater to that anymore!

I'm kind of really proud of myself for this one, actually? It has taken a LOT to get here.

#have i mentioned how fucking weird it is being both the most broken and most therapized person in this family #like my role here has very much been trying to help teach my family how to deal with my aunt #bc none of us have the resources left to do this for another 50 years #but they're listening and learning and taking it seriously? and i am so grateful for that!#but also wtf

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fightclubgayporn · 1 year ago

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do you have anything like a doc of information abt sdau? i think it looks really interesting and id love to know more about it + the characters :D

OH ANON YOURE SO SWEET. tbqh i should make one. but context is it was made as a collaborative effort between me and my friends like. 2.5 years ago so its not just my baby. but i really do want to get like. the basics at LEAST down so that people understand the vague plot/vibes.

tl;dr? a bunch of superpowered young adults are just so bad at having interpersonal relationships (more detailed but still basic vers under the cut)

(ps: ive written some stuff about these guys! a lot of its on my ao3, noalarmz! fair warning some of it sucks. i also wrote rubbing alcohol for a creative writing project, and i think it fucks. alcoholism tw)

the characters: (ica)rus: has wings that can burst into flame, but its not like something he can. turn off. so its basically a self-destruct button. strict moral compass, wants to stop vernon, acts as a kind of "hero" for the city. very self-destructive in their pursuit of justice, and overly self-sacrificial (vernon thinks he's selfish for this. it's a whole thing.) vernon valentine: has sound manipulation powers, also deer antlers. dead set on killing narrator and replacing her. very fucked up from his ex girlfriend (who they killed. um) and projects a lot of that + their need for control onto kan. basically he's a very awful toxic friend and also causes problems around the city to get narrator's attention narrator: a very, very old, near all powerful person, but nonetheless, she is still human. her power is complete matter manipulation, meaning she can regenerate her body, being functionally immortal. shes mega op, but she Isn't Actually a god (vernon thinks she is though) she has absorbed a intangible Presence into her mind known as Underscore, which is basically omniscience itself. it fucks her up a little bit. líf erling: a time traveler who travels non-linearly through narrator's timeline. they have a very tragic romance together, due to the fact that when underscore enters narrator's mind, she becomes aware of her own death, which puts um. a strain. on the relationship. kan komarov: he has telekinesis on any non-sentient objects, barring himself! he has. attachment issues. and latches onto vernon HARDSTYLE. is it platonic? is it romantic? is it sexual? you decide. he would basically do anything for them and is fully committed to his plan to kill narrator. kris(ten) clark: a childhood friend of kan's! her power is that she can create purple crystals from the palm of her hand but they do not have good control over it so. oops they did crystallize their friends arm once. which weighs on her. she really cares about kan, so is willing to tolerate vernon, but eventually they just cant take it anymore and leave. better at escaping the cycle than kan is printz o'harte: rus's closest friend. he has emotional telepathy, meaning he can sense everyone's emotions At All Times. which is um. a tad overwhelming. he builds robots to help rus. oops looks like kan has a crush on him (much less intense than his. Emotions for vernon but yk hes got a lil crush <3) he also has been in communication with narrator, because they understand the whole. my mind is loud all the time thing cato crux: she had electric powers! note the past tense because she is DEAD!! she's vernons aforementioned ex, and while they were together, they worked together, trying to take down narrator (kan is kind of her replacement) but uh. then narrator decided to contact cato. and cato realized that she wasnt a god. and vernon, feeling betrayed and hurt and angry, uh. killed her ass. sad! eve singh: stretchy limbs. childhood friends with kan and kris. she and kan were roommates for awhile, until kan met vernon and drifted away from her. she still resents him for this. cherry sinclair: childhood friends with eve, kan, and kris. they're the friend who lost their arm to kris. they dont blame her, but she sure blames herself. they have control over metal, which is helpful in making their own prosthetics.

oh man thats already so much. heres the basic plot beats though

rivalry between rus and vernon established, they clash

during a confrontation, kan becomes interested in printz

kris realizes how Awful her situation is, and that kan has begun to be terrible also, runs away

kan goes into a MAJOR DEPRESSION even more reliant on vernon now, his interest in printz increases cause he wants to replace kris

printz entertains this on rus's advice, so that he could collect information on vernon through kan. this works.

kan is heartbroken AGAIN. sad.

he goes into a manic episode and burns down his old elementary school (it was abandoned but still)

the climax. kan and kris reunite, he apologizes and starts to realize the hold vernon has on him (still loyal tho)

vernon thinks theyre being betrayed again and goes to attack kan

sensing this, printz stops him, giving rus a chance to swoop in snatch vernon into the air.

they decide to sacrifice themself, and his wings burst into flame, killing both himself and vernon.

somewhere in there, narrator also dies i forgot how i gotta ask eloise (she made narrator)

heres where the timeline diverges a little? but in the Good Ending kan and kris are able to heal from their fuckups and become normal friends again, and kan and printz are able to explore the idea of a relationship outside of the confines of their established roles

in the other, kan is so devestated from vernon's death that he starts hallucinating vernon's ghost, jake english/fight club style. this ghost convinces him to dig up vernon's corpse and, using some remnant of narrator, he brings them back to life. but yk. vernon is all fucked up now, dependent on kan and broken by the experience of death. eventually kan realizes that vernon a) was bad for him and b) is not the same vernon who came back and asks kris to. dispose of them. she happily obliges

BONUS SHIT:

if you ever saw me draw a pink haired guy w nice tits and his gamer girlboyfriend, that's aj (pink) and quinn (gamer) they're only vaguely canon to sdau and were originally escape room 2 ocs (yes, really)

in high school (pre transition) kan was a pretty popular youtube cosplayer named Kotdere (kot- from the russian word for cat and -dere from. dere tropes in anime) when he disappeared off the face of the internet there was a lot of confusion

during this time he had an online gf. that was quinn. quinn goes on to be like. the jerma of this universe and gets a hot of streamer boyfriend (aj)

eve gets a girlfriend, victoria! she made those like. true crime/unsolved mystery vids. eve helps her make one on "the disappearance of kotdere?? what REALLY happened"

narrator's story is really beautiful and crazy and i did not at ALL make it so def def def ask @/lovelyisthedawn about her <3

vernon/kan is evil yaoi and vernon/kris is evil yuri. you agree

some ship names (not necessarily rom just relationships)

vernon/kan: high and mighty kan/kris: rock kandy vernon/kris: punkrock printz/kan: palm to palm cato/vernon: tyrannicides narrator/líf: ragnarok probably missed some these are the ones i remember </3

#THAT WAS SUCH A LONG EXPLANATION AND ITS NOT EVEN EVERYTHING.#cause like. i have an obvious bias towards kan cause. hes the one i made #so theres more depth to the other characters cause. i am not their owner.#but this is a starter LOL #sdau #asks #fcgp writing #if i can rope my friends into a doc. that might happen

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bookwyrminspiration · 1 year ago

Note

Reading your response to my last few asks has left me with more questions than answers

1. Why was Emmet in the egg outfit anyway? Are those actually eggs?

2. In what circumstances would Jacob believe that being naked and shifting in front of Charlie (the dad of the girl he was presumably trying to woo) be a good idea?? Also, as a side note, do werewolves actually need to be naked in order to shift or is they just something the one fanfic that I read got wrong?

3. Can you like give me a summary of all of Edward’s family? Cause like I feel like there’s something going on with that. Also, did Edward’s parents actually die in a plague that led to him being adopted or am I missing something here?

I apologize for my lack of twilight knowledge again. I have plans to go read it, but that might be another 2 years, so for now I’m bugging you about it.

⚙️

That's how it always goes with twilight, dw. Every response opens a whole new can of worms. I'll do my best to answer!

Why was Emmett in the egg outfit? No clue! (and yes they're actually eggs, they're hardboiled). That's just what the costume department dressed him in for that brief scene when filming--also, just so we're clear, the "egg outfit" is this outfit. It's not the outfit Roisin created related to eggs in her twilight drawing. I call it the egg outfit because it's what he was wearing while carrying the eggs and matches in color. As for why the actor was carrying a bag of eggs, it's because the director saw the actor actually doing that irl and was like this is so ridiculous we have to add that to the movie.

Why did Jacob get naked and shift in front of Charlie? It's because he was forcing the Cullens' hands pretty much. This was after Renesmee was born and he was no longer infatuated with Bella; Bella was a vampire now, and the whole family intended to uproot and move on from the area for a few reasons. One, so Bella wouldn't be around humans and be tempted to kill them while learning self control (newborn vampires are supposed to be full of bloodlust, but Bella's disappointingly well adjusted). Two, so that people wouldn't realize they weren't aging or changing at all--especially Bella, because she had active connections to people like her father. They could only keep it from him for so long, and it'd be easier to do from far away. Also wouldn't hurt to get away from the werewolves, as wolves and vampires don't really get along.

However, Jacob is tied to his pack and Forks, and if the Cullens left he'd have to make a choice between them. And he'd choose Nessie, but he didn't want to have to chose--and he wasn't sure the Cullens would let him tag along. He wanted to insure they'd stay. So with the crux of it being everyone worrying about how Charlie would handle it and deciding the solution is to not tell him and leave, Jacob went hey what it I tell him and prove to you he can handle it. And boom now Charlie knows so you don't have to keep secrets and run away, you can all stay here! It did create a tense situation where Charlie rushed over, and it was the first time Bella had been up close near a human and everyone was worried she'd lose control, but she didn't, so that solved the other problem. Bella wasn't at risk of losing control and killing a bunch of humans, so they could stay. That's why Jacob did it

And wolves don't have to get naked to shift, they just tend to because otherwise their clothes get shredded by their expanding bodies and when they shift back they don't have anything to wear and go through clothes really fast. So they wear minimal clothing (that's why they're just wearing shorts and sometimes shoes in the movies), and have a pouch on their ankle they put their shorts in when they shift so they don't have to carry their pants in their mouths.

And now a family summary! There are 7 Cullens (8 if you count Bella marrying in). And I'm trying to encompass everything important while not taking up too much space--considering there's four books I think it's rather condensed

Tw for: violence, death, abuse (including sexual), suicide, illness

Carlise Cullen is the father figure, the oldest of them all (a few centuries, turned age 23ish), and works as a doctor. He's known for his compassion and has legendary self control (only rivaled by Edward post meeting Bella), and has never drank human blood before. His father was a witch-hunter of sorts, and after he took over (though Carlisle was much more cautious about it), he ran into a vampire and was killed/transformed in the 1600s. He was horrified and tried to destroy himself, but couldn't, until he realized he could feed off animals and didn't have to kill people. He roamed the earth very lonely for centuries before he finally caved and created a companion for himself, Edward.

Esme Cullen is the mother figure, the third to join the family, and is known for being very sweet and loving; she's a little over a century old and was turned age 26 in 1921. She was in an abusive marriage and lost a baby in her human life, prompting her to take her own life, where she was then transformed by Carlisle. They are now mates.

Edward Cullen was Carlisle's first family member, transformed age 17 in 1918 because he was dying of influenza. Both his parents had already died from it, and his mother requested Carlisle save his life in a way only he could. He has the special ability to read the thoughts of those around him as though they were broadcast, sans Bella's. he had a phase early in his vampire life where he abandoned Carlisle and Esme and used his ability to hunt evil people, feeding on abusers and villains and the like, but he grew tired of the death and felt immoral, so he returned to Carlisle and Esme. He's very melacholic and generally displeased until he meets Bella and his world is turned around

Rosalie Hale was the 4th family member, transformed age 18 in 1933. She's known for her beauty and being self-centered. She was the picture perfect daughter of a wealthy family during the great depression, happy to be desired and admired, and was going to be married to another well-off family. Her greatest desire was to be loved and start a family of her own. Unfortunately for her, her fiance was actually a piece of shit, and his true colors were revealed when he and his friends got drunk one night, assaulting and killing her. Carlisle found and transformed her, and afterwards Rosalie went back and killed every one of them while wearing her wedding dress. She's also known for being quite jealous, liking cars, and wishing desperately she could start her own family

Emmett Cullen was the 5th family member, transformed age 20 in 1935. He was part of a wild crowd, but also hunted for his family for game. During one unlucky hunting session, he ran across a bear and was mauled to death. Rosalie found and saved him, taking him to Carlisle to be transformed. He's pretty much the only one of them who is happy to be a vampire and has no complaints. He's known for being boisterous, very strong and muscly, loving competition and fighting, and being absolutely in love with Rosalie, his mate. He's a himbo.

Alice Cullen joined the family at the same time as Jasper, but was transformed in 1920 at age 19 before that by someone else. She has the special ability to see the future, but only as the possibilities will play out based on current decisions. If someone changes their mind on what they're going to do, what she sees changes as the future changes. Vampires with special traits generally have hints of them in their human lives, but Alice's was incredibly strong, landing her in an asylum for her premonitions--this is why her hair is so short and spiky, as it was shaved there. She was also being hunted by a vampire tracker, James, because she had appealing blood. To save her from him, an older vampire working at the asylum transformed her, but was killed by James. Alice has no memories of her human life (compared to the vague and fuzzy few others may have) because of her time in the asylum. Once she was out, her visions guided her to Jasper (her mate) and the Cullens so they could join the family.

Jasper Hale was an aspiring military leader in the Confederate Army (yep, he was really a genuine confederate) and incredibly charismatic. He lied about his age when joining and was the youngest general in the army. At the same time, there was a secret vampire war going on in the area, and because of his charisma, he was scouted out by a vampire because she thought his charm would turn into a special ability once he was turned (by Maria in 1863 at age 19)--and it did. He can read and influence the emotions of others. So he served in Maria's army for a while. But he grew depressed from feeling the emotions of the people he was always killing, and his creator was thinking of getting rid of him because of it. A friend offered another way of life and he ran away. A while later, Alice found him (very planned out and intentional), and while she was acting strange (because of her knowledge of the future) he could feel the complete love coming from her. So with Alice they found the Cullens and joined the family. Though Jasper has the hardest time with the vegetarian diet, and while he does love the others, his primary concern is Alice. He has numerous scars and is very formidable in battle.

No one is officially adopted through legal means, all their documents and such are fake. The reason they all have the Cullen last name is part of the ruse--except for Jasper and Rosalie, who go by Hale because people assume them to be siblings and they think its better to let humans make assumptions and follow along. Though they are still adopted siblings with the others in the whole ruse.

I've given you a lot to mull over so I'll stop there, but I hope that helps! If you do read twilight I hope you have fun, but also no pressure to!

#the twilight saga #the twilight renaissance #quil's queries #⚙️ nonsie #my favorites are emmett and alice #though edward's melancholy in midnight sun is top tier he's so silly #but yeah! that's his family #the summaries were longer than I intended them to be #but there's a lot. so even though some are hefty paragraphs I tried to be concise

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elrhinochtone · 2 years ago

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A clock for every clan : Banu Haqim

Pretty self-explanatory. A problem I have with V5 (and V:tM in general) is that they give you very little tools to actually run a game. Like they give you a bunch of flavor text and characters and stuff, but none of that is actually useful, as in "my game starts in an hour and I'd like something I can actually run, please".

So I'm gonna try and make a vampire plot / scenario / series of events your PCs can interact with featuring every clan. Maybe it'll inspire some people and I'll be able to steal theirs, you never know.

Characters : A local bigwig Kindred ('Abel'), a Banu Haqim ancillae ('Babel'), a Banu Haqim neonate ('Chad'). Abel is known to the PCs as a local power, the two BH aren't. Babel is Chad's sire.

Plot : Abel managed, somehow, to bloodbond Babel. They want to start a war with the nearest BH stronghold, and order Babel to order Chad to try to kill local kindreds, knowing Chad's going to get caught eventually, hopefully starting a war without it being connected to them. Chad doesn't know about the blood bond, but understands that something is very wrong. However, as a new BH, they can't disobey their Sire without signing up for execution.

Clock :

1' : Rumors spread of a kerfuffle at Abel's Haven. This is Babel going after him (without telling Chad, they're too young to be useful) and failing, giving Abel the opportunity to ensnare them in a blood bond.

Do not progress this clock until said rumor has had time to fade from the PC's mind - we don't want them to connect the dots immediately, and Abel would wait for the rumours to fade so no one connects the dots.

4' : A few duskborn are killed in a manner that - to the knowledgeable - indicates a member of the Banu Haqim. This is Abel testing the waters, checking if Chad will do for their plot.

Have them target either a duskborn the PCs know or a friend of a friend of the PCs. Nobody else will care about a bunch of thin-bloods, that's why Abel chose them as a target.

Progress this clock when either :

A couple of weeks have passed (Abel moves on to step 2)

The PCs get a glimpse of Chad (Abel speeds up his plot now that Chad's been made)

The PCs start talking about a BH killing people (Abel hears about it and everything is going according to plan, time for step 2)

6' : A Banu Haqim attempts to murder a middling member of the community. The sloppiness of the failed assassination suggests a neonate.

You can have a couple of successful murders first if you feel like the PCs aren't invested, or if they need a couple more crime scenes to twig that the assassin is a BH. In that case, have Chad go after neonates - they're not that good enough of an assassin to take on more. Consider having one (and not a single more) of the victims be someone that mouthed off to Abel, but don't make a point of it : this is something the PCs must realize by themselves, and having an NPC point it out or straight up telling them about it after a memory check or something just gives the game away.

At this point the PCs should already be investigating, but if they're not have Chad kill / attempt to kill someone they like.

Progress this clock when a few days have passed.

8' : Members of both the Banu Haqim and the local community start to put out feelers regarding what exactly the fuck is going on there.

If the PCs have made public that they're investigating this, both local bigwigs and a BH emissary will come to them. The BH don't have any intention to start a war, and have no idea what's happening. The local bigwigs think the BH are up to something, and given that they have the advantage in terms of strength are very close to just going to town on them.

This is a good occasion to let the PCs learn about the existence of Babel and Chad, who the BH claim have gone AWOL since a hit was ordered on Abel. They'll only learn about this if they manage to get the BH representative to trust them.

Progress this clock when a few days have passed.

10' : Chad starts to crack under the pressure. Both the BH and local Kindred are closing in, and they know they're dead whatever happens. Depending on whether the PCs are close on their trail or not, they'll either try to explain their situation to the coterie or attempt to run.

If they meet the coterie, they won't surrender themselves unless the PCs are very convincing. They just desperately want someone to understand that none of this is their fault, that they didn't have a choice. The most likely outcome of the conversation is that the coterie fails to convince them to surrender and Chad tries to run.

Progress this clock when a few days have passed.

12' : At this point there's a few different ways this can go :

If the PCs have Chad in hand : the hunt begins for Babel, who is made to be the baddy by Chad's testimony. Abel will send Babel on a suicide mission against a local bigwig and attempt wash their hands of the plot. War likely averted, Abel still at large.

If the PCs talked to Chad but didn't manage to take them alive : nobody will believe them, or act on that information, without proof. the locals and the BH close in on Chad at the same time. If the PCs are there to talk things down then everyone has a chat with Chad and then goes on to look for Babel, who'll go on a suicide hit as above. War likely averted, Abel still at large.

If the PCs haven't talked to Chad : The locals and the BH representative close in on Chad at the same time. Things go very badly and a fight erupts if the PCs don't manage to calm things down. Most likely outcome is a war, with Abel still having Babel in reserve for whatever plot they have in mind.

If the PCs manage to connect the dots to Abel : They'll need some serious help to get proof. There's only a few days left to get evidence before Chad gets caught and war erupts. They could very well get there too late, and paint a target on their back in the middle of a war.

Now obviously a lot of this needs work - not enough points to Abel, you'd need some dice pools and shit for Chad and Babel, you need to establish a nearby BH community etc - but it's something you can easily plop down into pretty much any game with a minimum of effort. That's the kind of thing V5 needs to provide for their storytellers - actionable, gameable content that can be used with a minimum of tweaking.

#vampire the masquerade #V:tm #vtm v5 #vampire plots #a clock for every clan #banu haqim

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gallusrostromegalus · 2 years ago

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The plot starts off with a hybrid of Cinderella and the Taming Of The Shrew where a woman with her own daughter marries a Duke who has an older daughter, and then the Duke dies under "Mysterious circumstances".

But he leaves in his will that his fortune won't be disbursed until his daughter (the elder one) marries.

The elder daughter (like, 20ish?) is refusing to get married because her step-mother is trying to set her step-sister (age 12) with IDK A Medieval Italian supreme court judge?? (Age 65) , but the marriage can't go through until the Duke's fortune disburses and the mother can pay the dowry.

Other thing about the Eldest Daughter: She Always Speaks The Truth. Not only does she refuse to lie, but kind of like a retroactive Cassandra, everything she says is True. As you can imagine, this is not terribly popular In Fantasy Medieval Italian High Society.

The mother, big mad about being stuck with this stubborn, awkward girl, gets a Lawyer and a Bishop and a bunch of other authority figures to modify the will so that "Should the plague take my eldest, we will not be bereft *wink*" AKA if the eldest just dies or disappears without getting married, the mother will get the money anyway. (They all know she's going to kill the girl, but they're getting a cut.) The Step-Mother then, in true operatic fashion of Going Way Too Hard tortures the Elder daughter, and locks her in the basement to bleed out and die.

There, in the darkness, abandoned by God and the Law and Family etc. the daughter turns to the last thing she has left.

BLACK MAGIC

(Come on, it's Opera. Everybody knows Black Magic)

So she summons a Demon As One Does.

He appears to her in the darkness- And is immediately terrified and transfixed because even though it's totally dark, she's looking right at, and through him, and Can See Him Exactly As He Is.

Which is Spooky, because he's been having some serious self-esteem issues lately- Demon has his own problems, you see- He's a Prince of Hell and thus he's the victim of Hellish Politics and beset by all his fellow demons. And he's Terrible at machinations and scheming because he too feels an attachment to The Truth and it's making him feel Demonically Inadequate, even if he's got the Wrath and Violence part down pat. ...So He's been lurking on the material plane to get away from it all and been watching her suffering, because he too feels the kinship of being betrayed and hunted by all that ought love him and telling The Truth no matter how easy it would be to lie.

So now, here he is in the darkness, and his crush is looking RIGHT AT HIM and he's genuinely frightened because he's never cared about someone's opinion of him before.

His aria about this is pretty great, but THEN:

She reaches out to him and says

"There is something wrong with you There is something wrong with you that is also wrong with me What is this kinship I feel with you? The affliction grants you Grace and Beauty, and leaves me a Hobbling wretch Yet I believe we share some kinship- I know the fear in your eyes, for I see it in every mirror"

(I know the first two lines are from a poem in Mirror Traps by Hera Lindsay Bird, but this is what my eye-pain-delerium brain supplied me with)

He goes down on one knee in front of her and promises to do anything she wishes- He's seen how she suffers and If he cannot have his own recompense, he will have hers- -For what price? You are wise, and I am weary- I am a Demon and there is but one currency we trade in. Give me your soul, and I will give you everything you desire. She thinks about it for a bit, and he makes every offer he can- I will torture your stepmother as she tortured you! The Judge lusting after your sister? I'll make his dick explode! That bishop that has his head up his ass- I'll make him shove it up there so far he turns inside-out!

-Love me. She says. The suffering of others will do nothing to ease my own, though some bitter part of my would thrill to see it. Love me, Truly love me as neither of us have been but deserved, and my soul will be yours.

…If I were to Truly Love you, then my soul would be yours.

-Would that be such a terrible thing? …It would not. He says, and promptly spirits her off to his palace in hell, and explains his situation as he tends to her.

[At this point my brain extensively hallucinated some real smutty hurt/comfort, because I am hurting and need the comfort]

Once they understand each other, they decide to do a strangers on a train-

He goes to Earth where the mother is planning to marry the younger daughter off to the creepy old judge and tricks everyone into betraying everyone else in disguise as a simple manservant, and spirits the younger daughter away back to Hell to play with Hellhound puppies all while making sure he Never Tells A Single Lie, because it's not a sin for a demon to be honest- it's a demonstration of his Mastery that he doesn't NEED to.

Meanwhile, She goes to the royal court of Hell and goes around to all the Demons and tells them The Truth about themselves, which they can't stand as all their power is based on a sense of self-importance and secret rules that don't actually have anything to do with reality. After losing most of their power to The Divine Wrath Of Autsim, they scamper off to Earth to get more power from their humans, who are all in a tizzy because there's some kind of political thing going on, and the Elder Daughter and the Demon play off each other's work to get everyone ready to fuck up each other's shit.

(This part of the dream got muddy because Actual Plot is something I have to do while conscious and I'm not doing more than I have to until my eye stops trying to to persuade me to gouge it out with a spoon)

ANYWAY, The Final Act is the Big Wedding where all the Humans are plotting to murder each other and the Demons are all shriveled up little creatures and The Daughter and The Demon Prince turn up and reveal it was them all along and that ALL of you suck and have also ruined each other- the Judge has gotten the lawyer disbarred, the Lawyer had gotten the Bishop caught committing fraud, the Bishop has gotten the judge excommunicated and ALL the mother's friends and allies are broke and their careers are dead and now that they have no social agency, they can't hurt anyone anymore.

And then the caterer steps forward and reveals that He's Actual For Real God, and he is SO PROUD of the daughter and the demon for stopping this corrupt fracas without violence or lying! The shriveled demons are Human Souls that had been cast into hell to atone but weren't learning the lesson, and the humans are headed that way unless they really get their shit together.

The demon prince remarks that it's odd that God would be pleased with the work of a demon.

What Demon? Says the Daughter, who always says the truth.

Yeah what Demon? Laughs God. You're one of my Best Angels, who oversees the rehabilitation of the wicked. You looked like you were getting overwhelmed though, so I found this Paragon of Truth for you. And you Paragon looked like you were in need of help so I found this Angel for you! Now, is someone getting married today or are we just gonna let this cake go to waste?

God marries them, there's a big party and The All Live Happily Ever After as the King and Queen of Hell, and her sister gets big into Demonic Dog Breeding.

and then I explicitly dreamed the voice of some art historian saying "-And then it got banned EVERYWHERE."

My friend's kid gave me pinkeye and I have been on a particularly fuckt up sleep schedule about it and dreamed an entire Italian Opera on the themes of heaven and hell and the power of love and recognition of the self in other and the tragedy of loving the idea of something rather than the thing itself and the dream ended with the phrase "-And then it was banned EVERYWHERE."

#This post has been brought to you by my genuinely bizarre sleep cycle and the germ pit of a kindergartner #Religion #christanity #demons #general poor human behavior and power dynamics #long post

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heck-theo · 5 months ago

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VENT (cw: loneliness, isolation, poor self image, self destructive behaviour)

I really gotta stream-of-consciousness these bad thoughts out of my head. Don’t read if it’s likely to drag you down too. Also these are a bunch of negative thoughts that don’t necessarily reflect reality and I know that logically. It’s just that nasty part of my brain which is unfortunately very convincing.

Ugh it’s so hard to try and fight the feelings that my friends don’t like me. Especially when one person in the friend group has some kind of problem with me but never told me what it is. We had a falling out a while back and I think we both were in the wrong. I thought that’s why we didn’t talk and things were a little awkward when the group hung out but then a mutual friend said she was upset with me for a whole other reason and the mutual friend who brought it up then refused to tell me what it was?? And that just reinforces the feeling that everyone’s secretly upset with me and they just don’t want to talk about it. They don’t actually want me around. Why would they? How many things have I done wrong without even realising? Why does what I want out of a friendship seem so different to everyone else? I tried to tell them I was feeling disconnected and would really appreciate being checked up on, like I used to do with them. But that never happened. Logically I know they haven’t done anything wrong, they’re busy, they have long term partners, they have different forms of communication, but it hurts to keep trying and feeling rejected so now it just feels better not to try. I think. I used to talk in the chat multiple times a week and I stopped cause I thought it would feel better and no one has cared. No one has massaged me in like 2 months. Now I don’t even know how to start talking to them again and i feel like it’s not worth the it. There’s no point. I did try post on thing in response to something they were saying and no one responded. I can’t keep convincing myself they like me when they do things like that. I know they say they’re busy but after months of pulling teeth trying and failing to organise virtual hangouts (i had to move out of the city we all lived in) and now no one caring that I’m gone, I can’t help feel rejected. I know I need to make new friends whose interests and social needs/communication style aligns better with mine but I so rarely have the energy to go out and I really can’t build connections to people online. It doesn’t work. I just want these friends to care about me the same way I care about them. I feel so fundamentally unlikable sometimes and that we’d all be better off without me in their lives. I just wish I didn’t feel like this. Anyway I’m aware that this is part of the reason I like Rise so much. Seeing how close they are, how they understand and accept each other, faults and all. I’m hopefully getting antidepressants this Friday after like 10 years of trying to cope. Worth a try. I hope they help a bit. Take the edge off. Maybe I can start to do more things I want to do. Living in a rural area, 8 hours away from the city I’ve lived in my whole life, with no one I know here except my mum is killing me. Not literally but I’m miserable. I’m a city guy. Living here makes me anxious at night and not want to go out during the day. Not that I was exactly mentally well before but I think this is the worst it’s been since I was a hormonal teen in a toxic relationship. Im starting to get to angry… On the plus side I have Rise merch arriving soon and I finally got glass, which I’ve wanted to happen for years.

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danieyells · 19 days ago

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I did notice this before and I was starting to make a list of each anomaly in each chapter and how they might link to a ghoul in the house/squad that took them down, but I ended up deleting it because it was a bunch of pretty loose connections lmao

But yeah I think the Oblivion Dealer is definitely more of Romeo and Taiga's problems than the other students', although if it were just them it wouldn't have spawned. It isn't just the casino, but the whole house that contributed I think. They even have a little civil war going on between them. I'm sure they both have more than their fair share of days they wouldn't mind betting away if it meant possibly winning a solution too.

(below the cut is what i remember of my previous observations on possible other ghoul and anomaly connections lol)

Faceless anomaly that changes who it is to achieve its goals → Tohma

Influencer whose death resulted in such hype that it became a tulpa → Leo

Caring mother kraken who keeps her ecosystem in balance → Haru(arguably the anomaly could also be Princess Oto whose children disguise themselves as friendly anomalies to lure others in for Otohime to prey on, at which point I would argue the connection is to Towa whose general demeanor deceives you into believing he's rather harmless until you've aggravated him)

Oblivion Dealer, a monster scorpion born of negative emotions in Taiga and Romeo's casino → Romeo(arguably Romeo and Taiga, especially since the Oblivion Dealer erases a day in your life and the effects from it, i.e. erasing memories)

Cursed doll and the mourning mother who created it → Subaru? (arguably Zenji, a spirit himself, who takes a cursed doll from among the dolls at the temple because it reminds him of his younger brother)

Barometz, a usually harmless anomaly who consumes that which it holds dear to keep it close → Lyca? (could also be Ed, a vampire who perhaps would turn a loved one, or Rui who would kill a loved one with his touch, but Ed pointed out that Lyca could have also seriously harmed the PC if he'd not been stopped which drew an immediate parallel)

Immortal Inpatient, a normal human who, failed by even anomalous medicine, resorted to extreme measures which went out of control and became an unkillable monster → Jiro

Imperial Auction, which consumes the lives of those so greedy as to partake in it → Romeo again(arguably Taiga who consumes anomalies, sometimes without self-restraint, possibly especially if Romeo wants them?)

The Arachne is a little harder to pin down. It opportunistically fed on the souls of the cultists and the people whose souls they'd gathered from within the graveyard. I'd argue that the anomaly that connects most here would be the gathering of spirits from the cult → Kaito, who chases trends and gets caught up in/dragged into other people's matters and schemes fairly easily? But even that doesn't really fit so this one is harder because, among the four ghouls, the one who would opportunistically harm others for his own gain would be Romeo but I feel like that's a little too shallow of a connection to make?

Can we just talk about the fact that the Dealer anomaly, an anomaly that was created by the (negative) emotions inside the casino, which very much includes Taiga's and Romeo's, is a scorpion?

Are we sure the gambling students' emotions weren't just a drop in the ocean compared to what Taiga and Romeo were going through, thus modeling the anomaly after the animal/constellation Romeo was named after?

#tdb

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toehwa6 · 1 year ago

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Just got back from a drive to get a milkshake fucked up on Valium and I told my friend I was good but on the way back I was like I’m just trying to set myself up to wreck my car and kill my self. Hopefully I don’t take anyone with me and just hit a pole or something.

He was like that’s fucked but I was laughing like naw I’m a thrill seeker and he was like no thrill seekers make sure they can do shit again you’re just suicidal and I was like fuck I guess that’s what it is I guess.

Got “diagnosed” or whatever with fuckin agoraphobia today cause I’m afraid to leave my house.

I fr thought it was like being afraid of going outside but I looked it up and it’s like being afraid of being anywhere that isn’t “safe”

Dawg I dealt with this shit on the way home from work today I stopped to get gas and I was like holy fuck what am I feeling rn I’m going to fuck my arm up and take a bunch of pills idk I would kill my self to make this feeling go away

I wasn’t even depressed or nothin it was so weird I just didn’t want to feel that way anymore

Idk I just want to fuckin die I guess. I fuckin hate being alive and dealing with this shit

I thought back pain was bad but naw fr being afraid whenever I do shit sucks more idk at least if I’m in my house and my back hurts like I’m good at least idk

I fucking hate this shit I wish I could just fucking die

I got home and talked to the doc and he was like it’s cause you’re isolated and you don’t talk to no one that’s why you’re all fucked up btw stop smoking weed so that’s why I just took a Valium

Probably not a good idea but idfk this shit is fucked now I’m just writing this shit not thinkin about nothin

I just feel like I gotta get somethin out today fuckin sucked

I feel like everyday fucking sucks when I think about it but it doesn’t really, it just feels that way

I hope I get better eventually I just don’t know what’s wrong and everytime I think I’m getting better I just keep getting worse

I’m supposed to be good at this point but shit just keeps getting worse

I was tellin my friend if I get pulled over on Valium I don’t even care I’m just gonna tell the cop I’m trying to kill myself and go to jail idc

I fucking hate being alive

I hate talking to people I hate talking to doctors I hate talking to everyone I fucking hate this shit

I gotta go chill with these people I don’t really fuck with this weekend and I’m just gonna get fucked up on Valium or Tramadol or something and have a good time I guess

I tell people I don’t like them that much and they’re fucking annoying but it gets me out of the house and fr it’s a lot of drama that I enjoy which is kinda fucked

Idk I fuckin hate everyone

I’m happy I could open up to my gf and my good homie cause it feels good to talk about stuff but even then being vulnerable and talking about my problems feels like that makes shit worse too

Idk what to do about this shit I think I’m gonna get high even tho I’m not supposed to

Idk idk idk idk idk

I fucking hate this shit

Just gonna sleep this shit off and hope tomorrow is better even tho it won’t be

Again and again and again

Can’t wait to I fuckin kill myself even tho I don’t think I’m gonna do it

I’m afraid of goin to hell so I gotta push through and just deal with this shit

I think if I get fucked up on Valium and wreck my car and die that counts as suicide but idk I hope not I don’t want to go to hell I just want this shit to stop

I hate being alive

Glad I could get this out somewhere I don’t like talking to people about my problems so I just talk to myself and nothing on here

Idk I guess it makes me feel better

Idk I fuckin hate this shit

If someone reads this shit gets better even if it don’t feel like it I promise just hang in there and don’t give up that’s what’s important just push through

Fuck everyone else love yourself that’s what matters you’re all alone in the end

Funny I told my gf that and she was like that’s dumb as fuck what if you got family and shit around you when you die

I was like lol bitch that’s not the point but I love that you think like that

Mah bitch be holdin me down frfr

I fucking hate being alive

Sorry I keep saying that

Who am I talking to

Why can’t I stop saying sorry

No one cares anyway

Alright cya

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casliveblog · 2 years ago

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Custom Toonami Block Week 123 Rundown

Inuyasha: So a lot of stuff happens this episode, Naraku collapses Mt. Hakurei and goes out to see Kikyo while Inuyasha takes it upon himself to dive into the depths of the mountain to save Koga as it falls apart beneath him. It’s nice for Inuyasha just to offer to go save Koga without much prodding because just because he hates his guts doesn’t mean he wants him to literally die. They get out okay even though Koga has to make the last save while half dead and then the fight some more, luckily nothing important’s going one while we’re having this discussion. Meanwhile Kikyo’s dead, yeah well not really but sorta, Naraku reveals he orechestrated a whole arc’s worth of zombie hitmen and demon mountain priests just to eject his simp side for Kikyo and murders her, except because Naraku’s a fucking Bond Villain he just decides to stab her and throw her in a poison bath which admittedly SHOULD kill her but we never see her die and spoilers but she survives this somehow for some reason because the plot still had like 10% of her character arc left. Sesshomaru comes down like ‘wow that was a stupid reason to send us all running around’ and slices down Naraku but since the dude legit doesn’t have a heart anymore it’s like cutting a deli platter and he can also do the ‘no u’ attack and fires Tokijin’s blast back at Sesshomaru. Luckily Sesshomaru is OP as fuck and tanks his own blast to slice the 20% of Naraku that was left in half again and Naraku’s all ‘I’m not dead so I win, hahaha’ and runs away. Inuyasha comes up and asks Sesshomaru what happened and he’s all ‘idk Naraku wanted to kill some bitch named koyoyo or something I just got here’ and Inuyasha’s like ‘wait you just let him murder people?’ and Sesshomaru’s all ‘not my problem bitch, if you want her to be alive go save her your own damn self instead of arguing with your wolf boyfriend’ and this would all be a lot more meaningful if Kikyo actually died from this, like I feel like that was originally the plan to make the Mt. Hakurei arc feel climactic but realistically we barely changed the status quo at all like Naraku gets a new form that’s supposedly stronger but we rarely see that and we get The Baby which means this is technically the start of the last big arc of the main series since The Baby and Hakudoshi do survive until The Final Act (though saying that there’s still A LOT left it’s really a needlessly long arc).

Yu Yu Hakusho: So we’re at the end of this part of the Stand Users arc, we’re confronted with four sets of stairs which isn’t technically the same deal as in Hunter x Hunter but still feels kinda similar to the end of one of the exams. There’s some good banter and everybody teasing Hiei for being such a dumb fuck in the last game and they put on these Spirit Stickers that actually don’t end up being plot relevant since the bad guys can get around them. But yeah turns out Yu Yu Hakusho invented Among Us and Yusuke has to tell which of his friends is the most sus or else the real one dies. (Ngl the way the guy in the dub says “Impahsta” is really funny even without the meme) we get a bunch of questions that are basically a bunch of gags about how Kuwabara doesn’t know Yukina’s Hiei’s sister yet and how we almost got Botan’s boob size but most of it goes nowhere and Yusuke just kinda takes a hunch and punches Kuwabara because it’s always Kuwabara falling for dumb shit. Turns out he’s right and oddly enough the Stand User that can copy Kuwabara exactly even down to his spirit signature apparently still needs to borrow his clothes for it to work. Anyway turns out this was all a ploy by Genkai to train the group’s brains because not everyone’s gonna be a ridiculously buff DBZ villain that gives you a five page essay on how their powers work and they’re gonna need training to fight Stand Users since the REAL enemies are coming and they’re trying to make a hole to the demon world because I guess that’s the only villainous motivation anyone has in this world.

Fate/Apocrypha: So we get an episode all about the world’s most adorable mass murderer Jack the Ripper, starts out with a dude begging to die but also begging to not have his heart crushed so idk bro kinda mixed signals. Turns out Sieg is also slowly dying… well I mean he was already slowly dying but now he’s slowly dying slightly faster because Siegfried’s trying to subconsciously take over his body and has basically become his Hollow Ichigo at this point. They go out to find Jack the Ripper but because it’s an essential part of the legend that Jack the Ripper was never identified they’re all like ‘idk some dude I guess, definitely not a loli in panties’ which doesn’t exactly come up because the only time she pops up is when she’s already about to kill someone. Turns out whatshisface can Inception the dead guy and turns out the dead guy’s last memories were of… dying, so that’s not fun for anyone. But they find out Jack has all the security codes for the alarm which idk why they needed that given everyone’s already on high alert when she gets there because of the giant death fog like I’d think that was alarm enough idk what we needed the defense forces for. But yeah Jack wants to kill wheelchair girl cause… I mean I guess Team Yggy is already half dead anyway so might as well? Like by that logic you might as well just let the teams fight more because at that point if you kill of all of Team Yggy you still have to deal with full power Team Shiro by yourself but idk maybe tragic rich girl hearts taste better or something. There’s a fight and we get some horror movie drama out of wheelchair girl losing her wheelchair and scrambling for her Doc Ock legs and only just getting to them before she gets capped anyway and Sieg has to save her and then Chiron has to save Sieg before he goes all Hollow Ichigo and Jack’s just like ‘well damn this was a poorly thought plan, not gonna fight four main characters at once’ and dips out. And so basically nothing of value happened this episode.

Speed Grapher: So this episode’s really kind of interesting like it’s technically a clip show but it’s framed as a Tax Audit and each clip gives a net gain or loss of income so we get numbers for the dues money and the damages caused in Saiga’s fights as well as each individual Euphorics’ outstanding balance honestly that’s kind of a really cool way to do a clip show, it’s no FMA Brotherhood but it does keep things interesting by adding a balance to everything and showing how the income of the Tennouzu Group and the Roppongi Club absolutely dwarf how much they’ve spent chasing Saiga and covering up all this shit. We do get a couple new pieces of information, we get to see a character development moment for Suitengu where he lets a little girl buy off her father’s debt with monopoly money and then demands it be added to the real taxes which is kind of funny and an odd contrast to him murdering a guy in front of his son for not paying up in the first couple episodes. Also we get a little more info on Suitengu’s plan to use pharmaceutical deregulation thanks to government bribery to slip a inhibition-lowering stimulant into the common over the counter medicines and basically make the whole country low-level Euphorics with none of the superpowers but all the deranged animinalistic pleasure-seeking which makes them very willing consumers and addicted to the drug itself which is… sadly only slightly a fantastical stretch. We also learn that the leitmotif song for Saiga’s war days is an actual in-universe song from a point where he was buried alive in a lab and another guy was buried with him and they only communicated by playing the music box with that song in it to stay sane until help arrived. And since Suitengu is seen with the music box it’s heavily implied to be him. Also Saiga’s like ‘wait maybe the time I was buried alive in an explosion in a bioweapon lab was when I contracted the Euphoric carrier strain’ and it’s just like ‘yeah dude of course it was what the fuck’ like you’d think the time he almost died in a bioweapon lab would’ve been the first instance he thought of when asked that question.

Durararax2: It’s the climax at long last and shit is GOING DOWN, Celty put a stop to the gang wars and zombie wars and Mikado’s attempt to shoot himself in the head by putting her shadows all over the city and tying everyone up. Shizuo and Izaya continue fighting and ngl Izaya kinda gets sucker punched a couple times by being distracted by Simon’s flashbangs and getting stabbed by Varona but really there was no way he was winning this fight like he’s doing like 0.5% damage to Shizuo with each slice and all it takes is one hit to knock him into next week so the only way Izaya was coming out on top is if he got Shizuo to kill him and do the whole Batman-Joker thing but Varona stabs Izaya before he can do that. Celty confronts Mikado and Masaomi who are joined by Seiji and Anri’s group and she’s like ‘yo I’m a dullahan I gotta go do dullahan shit but yeah sorry about inadvertently starting a gang war’ which is kinda funny because Mikado’s sitting there like ‘man I’m the one who caused all the problems’ and Celty’s like ‘no I’M the one that caused all the problems’ and neither of them are completely right sometimes crazy shit just happens. And then Shinra shows up and Celty keeps a poker face but it’s clear she’s being selective about what she’s pretending to remember since she knows Mikado’s whole backstory but claims not to recognize Shinra at all. So yeah it’s pretty clear she has both sets of memories back and is just trying to play a hardass supernatural creature to make it easier for everyone to let her go which is funny because that’s basically what Mikado said he was doing when he tried to become the villain, it’s like someone made a theme or something when writing this wow. Anyway Shinra gets thrown into the air by Shizuo and cuts off Celty’s head again with his own Saika because everyone gets a Saika now I guess which idk why severing it’s necessary except to keep the head in play as a plot device for Namie and Seiji since it’s clear Celty does still have all her memories and chooses to stay in Ikebukuro even if souls don’t get to go to Valhalla or whatever. The Raira trio and Saki are laughing about how they all almost died tonight and are gonna share stories of how they’re all gang leaders and/or supernatural anime swords when Takashi runs up and stabs Mikado like five times. Meanwhile Kadota’s group recognize Takashi as the dude that ran Kadota over so Saburo gets to do his one plot relevant thing and run Takashi’s ass over so Haruna can kidnap him and bring him into her SAW sex dungeon thing, she calls and lets her dad know she’s alright first so it’s okay I guess. Man this series really has a thing for ‘they’re happy in this fucked up relationship so it’s fine’ like idk how long Haruna’s gonna be able to mutilate her teacher before he just fucking dies and is gonna come back to her dad covered in blood or with a severed head on a boat like the end of School Days or some shit. Also Kasane remembers we never finished the plotline of Ruri’s stalker so she knocks him out and pins all of the Hollywood murders Ruri did on him to both save her and remove from play her martyr complex shenanigans. Seiji and Mika are gonna go chase after Celty’s head in the US and Namie’s gonna work with Shinra’s dad doing… idk evil pharmaceutical shit prolly working for Suitengu from back in the Speed Grapher review. Izaya’s half dead and wants nothing to do with Ikebukuro anymore and is taken away by the two people that don’t want to actively kill him in the entire city, Kinda funny his whole motivation was to be carried away by a valkyrie during a war of his own making and now that he finally gets his wish and would potentially be a martyr he just wants to get the fuck out of dodge because he couldn’t drag anyone down with him and didn’t get to have Celty take him to heaven or whatever. Varona says goodbye to Shizuo and goes to clean up her Russian Mob mess though she promises to return to fight him again… with words, because ain’t nobody beating Shizuo in a fistfight and Varona no longer has a death wish. Aoba’s working on being Izaya 2.0 but Mr. Akabayashi tells him to stay the fuck away from Mikado while he does it or else the real mafia will be on his ass and the Orihara sisters plug the chat room one more time and I realize those two kinda didn’t do anything the whole story like there was absolutely no point to them except to be ridiculously cute which hey they succeeded. Celty goes back to life with Shinra and Mikado wakes up and presumably tells Anri and Masaomi what’s up with him, all the while noting that he’ll take life for what it is because whether it’s crazy or ordinary it’s real and it’s his and there’s value in that. What a nice message to end on, that’s really kinda cool, this series does kinda have a problem with climaxes not actually changing anything like that status quo for the show is basically the same throughout except for adding more character and they kinda do this thing where it seems like shit has happened but nothing’s really changed and they still KINDA do that here but Mikado’s good with his life, gang wars are done for now, Izaya’s gone (possibly dead but definitely left) and everyone gets an ‘the adventure continues’ kinda ending, ngl I woulda liked some more finality for some of these stories but for what it is this kind of story is just kind of a snapshot of various lives that keep going. Also like… is everyone just still possessed by Saika? Like half the fucking city got cut and we never resolve that, Sloane got possessed and he’s just fine in the end like it seems to be something you can turn off and not notice but like thousands of people are just subconsciously part of this hive mind now I guess.

Anyway I’ll probably do something light for the next week or so and figure something out to do a Valentine’s Marathon for that weekend and after that I may look into some new shows after I see what regular Toonami is replacing Yashahime and Made in Abyss with, might look into Jujitsu Kaisen, Spy x Family or Chain Dude Saw Guy depending on what they pick up.

#ooc #Toonami #Custom Toonami Block #Inuyasha #Yu Yu Hakusho #Fate Apocrypha #Speed Grapher #Durarara!!

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