#it just feels like killing my self would take a bunch of problems away

[sensitivegoblin]

My sisters boyfriend is being a massive dick and I just have to sit by and watch her cry

[lu-is-not-ok]

A Narcissistic reading of Hong Lu

Yup, I'm actually doing this.

To lay down some facts first: I have NPD, alongside a bunch of other things that coalesce into a nuclear concoction strong enough to kill every dark empath in a five mile radius. If I find you ableisting it up, I give myself the permission to smite you. This is a threat and a warning.

Now, let's talk about Hong Lu. Because as it turns out, he might just be the most difficult literacy check in Limbus Company according to what I've seen.

I could just say "I'm a narcissist and Hong Lu is just like me fr fr so he's a narcissist too" and end the post, but honestly, where's the fun in that? There are, legitimately, things I want to yap about, so I'm going to yap about them, and no chucklefucks can stop me.

So, to start this off, let's make one thing clear.

Hong Lu is not only a good actor, but also a skilled liar. The way he navigates conversations and the methods he uses are just as important to analyze as the actual words he says, if not more so. In fact, I'd go as far as to say that trying to understand him based Only on what he says and not how he uses the things he says would result in an understanding that's not only incomplete, but potentially outright wrong.

Now, this isn't really tied to why I think Hong Lu could be very reasonably read as having NPD, at least not directly. Narcissists aren't inherently evil liar manipulators, and if that's what you take away from this post, that's more of a you problem (and you can go ahead and block me considering I'm one of the evil liar manipulator narcissists according to you).

However, there is a reason why I have to bring it up. And it's because almost all of Hong Lu's narcissistic traits become a lot more obvious once you look at the exact ways he takes control of conversations.

With that out of the way, what exactly are we even looking for?

NPD, in my experience, primarily affects one's sense of self-worth and self-esteem. I personally found that the analogy of a pendulum makes the most sense to me - a narcissist's sense of self-worth can swing between massive highs and massive lows, almost never staying in a middle "balanced" position, with even the tiniest things being able to throw it to one side or another.

The ways this can present outwardly are. Quite frankly, way too fucking many to count. But there are some common threads we can keep in mind:

High sensitivity to criticism

Need for an external source of validation

Tendency to seek out ways to make oneself feel more special, important, or powerful

So, does Hong Lu fit those criteria?

Well. Yeah. This post wouldn't exist if he didn't.

Let's talk about the first point, high sensitivity to criticism. And, immediately, I would like everyone to remember Hell's Chicken, specifically the scene where Meursault begins to verbally roast his team's dish, and in the process laying down a verbal smackdown on everyone involved. That scene ended like this.

Curious, isn't it? The moment Meursault was about to start criticising Hong Lu, he just jumps in and distracts Meursault with a change of topic - something even Dante's narration points out.

Mind you, this isn't an isolated event. This is just the most obvious example of Hong Lu exhibiting this kind of behavior.

Don't believe me? Just look at these.

These are all examples of Hong Lu either backpedaling, changing the subject, or otherwise trying to avoid the acknowledgement of something that criticizes his status, thought process, or (in the last example) which would reveal an emotional vulnerability.

This is a fairly consistent pattern for him, and that's not even getting into the fact that the line he says when hovering over him before a skill check he has a Very Low chance at succeeding in has him suddenly try to excuse himself and leave.

Hong Lu is absolutely highly sensitive to criticism, it's just that his primary emotional reactions aren't ones we're privy to. Instead, what we get to see is how he acts to try and minimize the impact of those criticisms, if not outright find ways to never let them leave someone's mouth in the first place.

Next up - need for external validation.

This one doesn't have as many examples as the previous point, as Hong Lu is a generally closed off person who keeps a certain level of distance from most other Sinners. However, that doesn't mean I don't have any.

One such example comes from Canto 4, where soon after acting out his part in the play, Hong Lu seeks validation from Yi Sang.

Then there's this moment in Canto 6, where Hong Lu, once again, seeks validation for something he's done.

And then there's also these lines from Hong Lu's various Identities.

Aaaand then there's these base Identity voice lines, which, if you ask me, feel a bit like fishing for compliments.

This point is a lot harder to say is a definitive one, mainly due to Hong Lu's more closed off projected personality. That being said, the fact that one can find examples of it despite that is pretty notable.

And for the final one - trying to make oneself feel more special, important, or powerful.

This is one that's a bit harder to provide exact examples for, as again, Hong Lu isn't someone who talks about how he feels often, and when he does it's not always exactly trustworthy. He's not like Rodya, who while still putting on a facade, is pretty open and easy to read about how she actually feels.

But, there's still some non-mutually exclusive interpretations I want to posit here. Two, in fact.

One - I believe that for Hong Lu, the thing he sees as power is control.

See, avoiding criticism isn't the only time Hong Lu steers conversations. In fact, it's something he does All The Time. He's often the one asking questions to get the group moving, trying to gather information that might be relevant to him, and generally taking over the direction a conversation is going in. Chances are, if Hong Lu speaks up, it's likely to alter the conversation he joins in noticeable ways.

This, I think, is one of the ways Hong Lu makes himself feel more powerful. After all, it's not that hard to guess from what little bits of his background we have that Hong Lu lacked agency for most of his life. So, wouldn't it make sense for him that having that agency, that being able to be socially in control, would be the exact kind of thing that would boost his self-esteem?

In fact, the only times we see him rendered completely speechless, seemingly stripped of that confidence in conversations he usually exhibits, are in Canto 7 - specifically in scenes where he's Not In Control of what the others are talking about. Those scenes being when the other Sinners start shit-talking Xichun in front of him, and when Xichun actively tries to bother Hong Lu by alluding to the way he's been treated back at home.

Extremely confident until something external happens that utterly strips him of that confidence... sounds familiar, doesn't it?

Then, there's the second interpretation.

See, with NPD, there are two ways a narcissist can try to make themself feel more deserving of attention. One is the one most probably think of when they think about narcissists - setting out to fulfill extremely high goals to feel amazing when one reached them and then feeling utterly crushed in the case one doesn't. This would be someone like Rodya.

However, there is also another way, one which I personally have much more experience with - to undersell. To set extremely low expectations, so that it's as hard as possible to fail reaching them, and to feel way better upon surpassing them than one would with higher, more "regular" expectations.

This, to me, is exactly the kind of narcissist Hong Lu is. Think about it. He's constantly putting out this image of an extremely sheltered person that barely understands the outside world, with notable moments where it's made clear he's Just Making Shit Up at points. Wouldn't making one seem unable to do anything, only to then proceed to do things you've led people to not expect of you, make it feel like you're much more exceptional than you really are?

The underselling goes the other way too. When the other Sinners point out something odd about Hong Lu in a more positive way, he's often quick to point out how it's Nothing compared to what his Family expected of him. Wouldn't that make one feel exceptional, to make it seem like whatever effort you're putting in to do well is but a fraction of what else you can do? That you don't even have to try to be able to be special?

...So, there. That's all the analysis and interpretation I find important to do to get my point across.

Just to make it clear, I don't think that the only thing wrong with Hong Lu is the narcissism. There's definitely a lot more shit going on in that head of his. But, I'll be honest, the NPD reading felt so obvious to me that it genuinely took me by surprise that other people don't see it.

Though... maybe I shouldn't be shocked. Some fuckers out there still think Faust is a narcissist when she's literally just autistic.

[ladysarai]

10 Star Wars Fic Recs for Fanworks Day!

So, today is International Fanworks Day! I saw this post for Feedback Fest 2025, asking for comments "recommending 10 fanworks. Tell everyone why you love these works and why they should check them out." And because I am ~EXTRA~, I decided to make a Tumblr post for this.

But then I realized I could not keep it to 10 recs total and decided to do two posts--one for Inception, and one for Star Wars. There is NO rhyme or reason to the fics recommended here, other than "this is a story I linked to @nutterzoi and told her to go read RIGHT NOW and then when I saw the link I thought 'oh I should read that again'."

Here be my Star Wars fic recs! They are all prequel era, because I have a problem and that problem is named Obi-Wan Kenobi. Recs under the cut!

Trail Markers by @ooboowoonkoonooboo: A modern AU, which I was super hesitant at first, because to be honest? I have been taking my fandom faves and shoving them into Star Wars AUs for the last, oh, almost 30 years. But this was about high altitude climbing! And Codywan! And a special interest of mine is absolutely high altitude climbing and Everest, and here they are climbing Annapurna. (What's even more impressive is that the author ACTUALLY DID THEIR TREK, which. Is probably why it's just so amazingly excellent.) But the writing is fantastic and emotional and the backstory of Cody and his brothers kept me reading when I should have been doing other things. I have not been able to stop thinking about this story since I read it.

New Growth by @outpastthemoat: I was a Jedi Apprentice fan back in The Day, and have a new fixation with Melida/Daan (because look. As an adult, thinking about Qui-Gon abandoning a 13 year old Obi-Wan on a wartorn planet where adults are fighting and killing their own children is really fucked up, and I like the exploration of that). ANYWAY, I have read a BUNCH of post-Melida/Daan fics, but this is my favorite, and from Qui-Gon's POV. He is such a complicated character with a lot of flaws and I love that about him, but he's also a Good Man. Having a Padawan is like having a plant, and the fic includes this line: “No child is ever low-maintenance,” Tahl returns. “You just weren’t paying attention.” I absolutely adore Qui-Gon needing to think of Obi-Wan as a plant in order to realize what he needs to do to help him.

The More I Live the More I See this Life is Not About Me by K_R_Closson: A fic in which Clone Wars General Obi-Wan Kenobi touches a Sith artifact and turns into his 13 year old post Melida/Daan self. (I mentioned the fixation, right?) It's so good, with excellent clone POV (hi Cody ilu), and the tension that comes with knowing they need Obi-Wan to be his adult self again but seeing the boy who doesn't want to be General Kenobi. The conflict that Cody and the clones have regarding forcing someone to do a thing they don't want to and the parallel with their own lives is just. Chef's kiss.

After the War by antheiasilva: It is Qui-Gon/Obi-Wan, so if that's not your jam, be warned. But it's not generally mine either and I love this story to pieces. It's set after the war, in a world where Qui-Gon lived, and it has a really amazing concept for how they defeated Palpatine. It also really does not shy away from showing the PTSD Obi-Wan would and should have after the war. But like: Qui-Gon, Obi-Wan, Anakin, Padme, Ahsoka and the baby twins all living together in Naboo's Lake District. Come on now. Bonus points for the complicated relationship they all have with the Jedi Order, too. It's just full of found family feels.

Patron Saint by @andthepeople: SO FREAKING GOOD. It's an always-female Obi-Wan AU, and I am obsessed with how being female does and does not change who Obi-Wan is and how she manages her role as a Jedi Master and council member and General. The relationship between Obi-Wan and her troops is the heart of the story and the love they all have for each other is just. GUH. Please read this story. The ending is fabulous and has Obi-Wan pulling a Jean Grey Phoenix X2 move that just. I can see it. Everything about this is perfect. (Also it's Codywan.)

And I Fear Nothing by @fox-trot: Unfinished, and that is heartbreaking, because this story is so good. I literally read it all in one six hour sitting, and it's another fic that won't leave my brain alone now. Obi-Wan is on Tatooine with Luke, Leia, Cody and Rex (and later, perhaps a few others). It's all Found Family and PTSD and how they all heal and hurt each other. I love it unconditionally.

The Legend of Liob by killbothtwins: Honestly one of the most entertaining and hilarious stories I have read in a LONG time. A photojournalist is posted to the 212th to help with PR for the war. Someone (Boil) impulsively creates an imaginary trooper, and things spiral out of control from there. But this imaginary trooper does save the day! In just about every single way. It's got great humor, amazing clone and Obi-Wan characterization, and a fabulous plot. Do yourself a favor and read it.

Silent (and So Near) by @tessiete: Another story I have not been able to stop thinking about since reading it. It does say Chapter 1/6, but idk if more will be written or not. I personally do hope so! It's SO well written, and full of emotions. Qui-Gon lived through Naboo, and now the Clone Wars have come and he is NOT interested in being a General. Just. Qui-Gon's feelings and thoughts are so fascinating to me, and his relationship with Obi-Wan and Anakin, guh. The lengths that Obi-Wan goes to to keep Qui-Gon safe from himself. The river stone. Anakin's attitude. I am obsessed with this version of Qui-Gon, tbh.

[to speak of precious evenings] by @cillyscribbles: OH I love this story. First of all, the way with words is just. Beautiful. But taking the "Cody and Obi-Wan get drunk together and talk" plot and turning it into this is a talent. It's beautiful.

Every Shadow by @kenobster: SO. VERY. GOOD. Unfinished, and I hope that it won't stay that way, but just as an FYI. I swear, this is the post Zygerria fic I need. Everyone's trauma after that arc is here and they are all hot messes having terrible times. But it's done well, and the writing is amazing. Do heed the warnings, but nothing explicit is in the fic. This is another story I can't stop thinking about.

[im-ovulating]

I've been seeing in influx of people saying this shit again, so… rant time!

Jacob wasn't attracted to the egg inside of Bella and, subsequently shouldn't have also been attracted to Edward's glittery swimmers.

Reasoning?

How about because Smeyer herself has denied that claim, first and foremost.

But let's say she didn't:

The imprinting happens between the shifter and a person… An egg isn't a person. A sperm isn't a person. A zygote isn't a person. An embryo isn't a person. And, finally, a fetus isn't a person. Only the fully developed baby is a person. Therefore, nothing happening in Bella's womb or ovaries (and certainly not in Edward's ballsack) has anything to with Jacob liking Bella.

Jacob was in love with Bella way before he even shifted, too.

Take it up with biology.

Next order of buisness:

JACOB NEVER WANTED TO BE TIED TO THE DEMON CHILD!!

His direct line of thinking was, "I'm gonna kill that freaky thing because it killed the woman I love -> oh shit, my entire being is being stripped away, and my own feelings and thoughts are being rewritten against my own wishes -> God damn it, now i can't even force myself to hold onto my hatred for this thing because I just became its emotional (and physical) slave." He lost his free will in that moment, unable to control his own thoughts and feelings. Here's an excerpt:

"The murderer stared past Rosalie's shoulder at me, its gaze more focused than any newborn creature's gaze should be.

Warm brown eyes, the color of milk chocolate the exact same color that Bella's had been.

My shaking jerked to a stop; heat flooded through me, stronger than before, but it was a new kind of heat-not a burning.

It was a glowing.

Everything inside me came undone as I stared at the tiny porcelain face of the half-vampire, half-human baby. All the lines that held me to my life were sliced apart in swift cuts, like clipping the strings to a bunch of balloons. Everything that made me who I was - my love for the dead girl upstairs, my love for my father, my loyalty to my new pack, the love for my other brothers, my hatred for my enemies, my home, my name, my self - disconnected from me in that second -snip, snip, snip- and floated up into space." -Breaking Dawn, Chapter 18, page 306-307.

'Everything that made me who I was disconnected from me in that second and floated up into space.'

That is not something Jacob ever wanted. In fact, throughout the series, he doesn't hide that he hates the idea of imprinting... he lost his free will when he was forced to join the pack when he shifted (bc out of all the places in the world, the Cullens had to set up shop right where they knew their presence would cause a problem), so what makes you guys think that him hating his autonomy being compromised would suddenly go away when he was made to imprint on the thing that killed his childhood friend and love?

Even the official guide talks about how imprinting is completely out of the wolves' control.

"If the werewolf does imprint, he is forever changed. From the second he sees the object of his imprinting, he will do anything to please and protect her. All other commitments in his life become secondary, even his commitment to the pack." -The Twilight Saga The Official Illustrated Guide, page 310.

Also from the guide: "Once a werewolf transforms, his aging speeds up until he reaches the age of maturity, roughly twenty-five. At this point, as long as he continues to phase, he remains at that age. It's possible that a werewolf could choose to live this way forever and enjoy the same limited immortality as a vampire, but most Quileute werewolves give up phasing in order to grow old and die alongside their family and friends. Once a werewolf gives up phasing altogether, he slowly begins to age again until his aging reaches the normal human speed." -page 308

The wolves never age so long as they keep shifting... Renanameme is already clingy and possessive of Jacob. She's never going to let him stop phasing because she's going to want him around forever. So now, not only is he stuck with the creature that killed (yes, 'killed,' because vampires are dead) his love, but he is stuck living amongst the very creatures he was created to fight and kill. Forced to inhale their sickly sweet "almost rotten" scent for eternity as his baser instincts scream at him to eliminate them the way he was born to.

One last thing: Jacob never asked Edward if he should call him "Dad". That was a change they made for the movie. Originally, there was never a line even *close* to that in the books...

Okay... I could keep going, but I'm not sure anyone even read this far, so: rant over...

I'm just so sick of the Jacob slander coming from people who have either never fucking read the books or read them so long ago that they don't remember the integral parts of the thoughts and feelings of these characters.

Jacob is the victim here, not the perpetrator.

[maleyanderecafe]

Go Away Yandere Demo (Visual Novel)

Created by: PissFuck-McShitcunt

Genre: Comedy

Did you think that I would make this review? Yeah, me either, and yet here we are. This is game that's been sitting in my recommendation drafts for years and is no longer avaliable, but I actually kind of like the sort of train of thought kind of self inserty story it has. The story is about Coella a trans rabbit girl who summons a demon (you) to help deal with the yandere problem she's having. This game is pretty r18 given that in certain scenes Coella does have sex with the rat man so just keep that in mind.

The story starts out with Coella summoning a demon (you) to help her with her yandere problem. You, bud, offer her a bunch of different solutions like running away, killing him or otherwise trying to call family. She gets a knock at the door, only to find another severed head that the yandere has left for her. She goes out to meet with Ceri, the yandere rat that's obsessed with Coella. Ceri seems excited that Coella finally was able to make a friend, though Coella yells at him for sending severed heads to her doorstep. Coella can either get Ceri to clean up her house for her or otherwise bribe him with sex.

At her house, Ceri goes to clean up, and Coella can either try to have sex with him, try to cuddle on the couch or otherwise try to force him to stop. Depending on if Bud convinces her to have sex with Ceri, Coella will end up sleeping with him (which Bud can either watch or not) and could lead to the two cuddling. You can actually have the two have sex multiple times depending on if you convince Coella to do so.

If Bud tells her to make Ceri stop, she will complain that he won't do it and just decides to take a nap on the couch. This will later lead to Ceri watching a movie with Bud. Most of this route is kind of just hanging out with Coella and listening more about her experiences as a trans woman or other topics like if dating a rat man is that bad of an idea or if simulations are real. Coella can also end up going to the library, reading a book and then going to get food, which leads to a improptu date (or not date) with Ceri. After falling asleep, Coella ends up being awakened by Ceri and being punched, only to find out that Ceri was only worried about her because she didn't take her anti-depressants. This leads to Ceri asking Coella out on a date at the fair, which Coella can either accept or deny depending on your choices.

If Bud encourages Coella to go on a date with Ceri they can either prompt the two to have sex on the ferris wheel or play some of the carnival games, though when the carnie ends up making Coella uncomfortable, Ceri goes full yandere on him and threatens him. This makes Coella feel more affection towards Ceri

If you decide to go after Ceri, we actually learn more about his behavior. Bud believes that he is a yandere in the traditional sense (killing and possibly manipulating Coella) but we actually see that he's really weirdly caring, killing people that ostracize her, offering to pay for her medication, and seeing that he watches her from afar to make sure she's okay. He also reveals that he's going to kidnap her to bring her on the island.

Eventually Bud goes on a date with Coella, which includes riding rollar coasters, eating cotton candy or stealing without consequence as Ceri pretty much owns the police. As the day goes on though, Coella starts to realize that she doesn't actually want Ceri gone, that he is actually a person that she's not afraid of and that he cares for her, despite the fact that she shouldn't. She also feels very happy, a feeling she hasn't felt in a long time because of her depression while with Bud. However, the next day, Coella feels terrible, not wanting to hang out with Bud and perhaps not ever. This leads to Ceri kidnapping her only to wake up in a nice bed tied up. We can either try to escape, call for him or check the bedroom. Escaping or calling for him will just lead to finding out that we are indeed on an island.

Checking the bedroom leads to learning more about Ceri's past, we see that his mom died when he was younger with his dad not paying too much attention to him which will lead to her falling asleep in bed. Or learning about when he fell in love with Coella in the first place, watching her vomit and get drunk at Oktoberfest before slowly trying to take care of her because of her depression. Ceri wakes her up, with Coella demanding to know why he kidnapped her. Basically Ceri didn't want to lose Coella after seeing her slip back into depression. This bring Coella and bud into a room with a blooded pot and dead bodies. We find out that Ceri has been collecting bodies from horrible people to make something that will help prevent suicide from not only Coella but the rest of the world. In the end this will lead to three different results: Coella staying with Ceri, Coella beating the hell out of Ceri or having sex with him.

If Coella decides to stay with Ceri, she'll recognize this as a bad idea, but still decides to be with him regardless.

If Coella decides to beat the hell out of Ceri, she will call out all of the horrible things he's done causing her to slam him into the ground and to leave. Afterwards she thinks about her actions and how she will live without him at some point. Also Bud can tell Coella to kill Ceri. The two end up getting married at the end.

If Coella decides to bone Ceri, she will basically push him into boning her, and basically becomes friends with benefits with her.

One of the final endings is if Bud continues to ignore or otherwise reject interacting with Coella in a meaningful way. This will lead to her going to a bridge and contemplating suicide. She will attempt to jump off only for Ceri to stop her. During this time, Ceri is able to talk to her about how much he cares about her, though he had to essentially hit her with a crowbar to prevent her from jumping off. In the end, it seems that Ceri ends up taking her to the island he was originally going to kidnap her in.

This game is honestly one of the most personal games I've played in a VN and that's saying something from a game that's from a creator who is called PissFuck-McShitcunt. The game is pretty clearly a self-insert of the creator and yet doesn't take itself seriously and at the same time goes into some pretty deep stuff regarding a lot of what she's going through. It shows off Coella's more fun side how she's the type of person who is cynical yet can still appreciate good things in life despite her depression and at the same time also goes into more deeper topics like the transphobia she had to deal with her entire life. You can actually feel how human she is while she talks and I think the analogy of using her rabbit genes with things like anxiety and depression is a pretty good way to depict that. I know friends who act similarly with their depression and anxiety and it's heartbreaking to see in such a raw form in this game. Despite everything this game feels like a love letter to the creator once more, perhaps encouraging her that no matter what happens in life there may always be someone there for her in one way or another. I was actually surprised at how many options this game had, with the last ending the suicide ending something I only got to see even after last playing this game three years ago and there's probably even more stuff to see that I haven't seen. Despite being a train of thought type of game, it really does make you feel like you are talking and being friends with Coella as not necessarily a demon but as a friend. It was pretty heartbreaking to see the ending where she does nearly jump off the bridge, especially after knowing what happened to her both in her past and her current day, having had abusive parents, having the world look at her weird because of her body and her depression and anxiety. Luckily in this game, Ceri was able to save her, even if Bud was not, and yet it makes you think - what if he wasn't there to save her, what if you couldn't talk her down no matter what? It's a rather sad thought to have, especially since we can see what she's like when she's happy and is able to enjoy life. There are some moments where she very avidly points out how liking a yandere in real life is bad, as well as some other fourth wallish breaking jokes as well.

Ciel is completely a self-fulfillment yandere, with him being much more helpful than he is hurtful, at least in general. He basically only does things to make Coella happy, killing off people who have hurt her or are bad people, buying the police and making the town better, trying to make some sort of medicine that will prevent suicide not just for Coella but for everyone in this world. Even more than some other yanderes, he is completely made to make Coella happy and likely help her cope from the world (in a meta context, though in game as well). We do get to see some backstory about how he misses his mother and how he got obsessed with Coella, but in general, Ciel is made specifically to help Coella. It's kind of interesting seeing how blatant it is (in my eyes), because despite the awareness of how he does still do creepy things like stalk her, stay in her walls, amongst other things, it's still completely understandable why Coella might want to be with him, romantically or sexually. He is able to take care of her and protect her, even if she doesn't realize it initially and really it's up to her whether or not she decides to. I think it is something that a lot of us yandere lovers want to have someone who cares about us so much they will and can do anything to make our life as good as possible, even if some of the stuff is more unrealistic or perhaps something that's more difficult to do.

It's possible that I might be overanalyzing this game, but it's very different from a lot of other yandere vns I've played before. I think that if you can watch a video walkthrough of this game, it is well worth the time because it is in fact a very interesting way of viewing a yandere and darling.

[greyplainsttrpg]

This is kind of a random post that is TTRPG related. This is about running games as a GM/DM/etc., not a callout to indie game designers/developers.

However, this will be meaner/more self aggrandizing then usual, which is why I wanted to gauge interest in this kind of post before going through with it. You have been warned.

If you find this post and are outside my 5-8 most honored mutuals, I don't know what to tell you. My bad.

Sometimes, it feels like I'm the only one directly challenging the medium of TTRPGs. And while I know this isn't strictly true, I wonder why I don't see/hear about more creators like me running games the way I do.

I have been working on a presentation to my local TTRPG group titled "Psychedelia in Fantasy Gaming." And while I stand by everything in the presentation, the idea of framing the style of GMing I use as "psychedelic" serves only to launder my ideas into more philosophically moderate language. It is a new framework I have developed to teach people what/how my GMing is. I don't know if it is intellectually dishonest to develop an entire philosophical framework to explain to people that "no, you should make your players actually explain how they do X," but we work with what we've got. It feels dishonest because I have to engineer a bunch of bullshit just to have my ideas, which I feel are actually really obvious/straightforward, to be taken as thoughtful advice instead of weird edgelord trolling. I will post the presentation slides to this Tumblr after the presentation and I get some feedback.

My larger point is that my style is (I would say "very") relatively confrontational to players. That's not in a typical GM v. Player dynamic where I am trying to kill their characters to prove a point. My style is much more "I am testing you, the player, and your capacity to expel your presuppositions about the situation and think in new/unconventional patterns." The result of doing this is often "having a melancholic time" as the players realize that they have willingly entered a no-win situation that they have to examine their own sense of morality v. their character's agency to navigate. The point of the adventure is not to have fun. My adventures are often grueling, stressful, and resolve without clear narrative answers.

YET, especially as I've gotten better at perfecting this, Players who make it through really love my games. They often tell me that it was the best game that they've played at a particular event or whatever. I know why this is: it's because my games are engrossing and escapist in a way that the rest of the field doesn't offer. They are, ironically, more fun because they are not designed to be fun. However, when I have tried explaining my style to others in the past, other GMs often ridicule me for negative traits they assume are parts of the games that are not actually present. They assume the games are pedantic, cruel, boring, etc., but this is simply not the case. It just sounds like it would be some of those things when you hear elements of it in isolation from the context of a whole session/adventure linked together.

Like, yeah. Letting players aimlessly futz about for 4 real-time hours as they seek methods to research a problem that doesn't make sense sounds really fucking boring if your standard of "a good game" is X number of combat encounters per session, X minutes of roleplay, and X number of "cutscenes" per session. HOWEVER, and I know this sounds crazy, futzing about for four real-time hours can be pretty epic. Watching as the players slowly chip away at their expectations and learn about the insane situation you've developed is really engrossing for both you and them. There's something about "no, actually the dumbest thing you've ever thought of is probably the correct methodology to crack this puzzle" that is amazing and cannot be replicated in any other genre of media.

I also take umbrage to the framework that my games are "simulationist" as per GNS theory. Yes, there is simulation involved, and the games do provide an experience that could be described as a simulation, however that is not really the point of it. The purpose of my games is not to provide an accurate simulation to a fantasy world. The purpose might be, for example, to trick players into performing state violence so that they can reconcile the nature of power and the convenience of fascism as an apparatus to wield power. Is that "narrative"? No, because I usually do not have a pre-planned, grander story. Is it "gameist"? No, although I do heavily rely on the inherent mechanics of the systems I've built to play these kinds of games. Are they "simulationist"? Closest, I guess, but not really because the circumstances are so odd and I rarely have planned the exact mechanics of what the party generates as the solution to the problem to create a convincing simulation. This is why GNS theory is generally considered passeé. It's a convenient tool, but it doesn't have the means to solve the nuance of the actual experience of playing a TTRPG outside of what the text of the game presents in a vacuum. Being called a "simulationist" dumps me into a pool of game design that I don't think actually fits what I am trying to achieve, and it also allows the people who place me there (usually without ever having actually played one of my games) to kind of belittle the theory of what I'm doing as "lesser" than their "pure" gamist/narrativist experiences. This sounds like the most stupid takedown, but I swear this has happened to me lol.

That's why I've pivoted to calling the style "psychedelic." I'm fronting my GMing strategy as a counter to "Surreal" games that I consider to be the generally established norm within the fantasy game space (not that there's anything wrong with that). The core of the argument is that a Surreal adventure is one that fronts the themes of the experience via the emotional demands of the character and the story as the primary vector of narrative progression. A psychedelic adventure is one that fronts the situation (in abstract of a planned "story") via the intellectual demands of the players as the primary vectors of narrative progression. In other words, surrealism is themes v. characters, while psychedelia is setting v. player.

This is all leading to my major point: I think GMs are cowards for not believing enough in players. The most common criticism I get for this kind of gaming is that "my players wouldn't like that." Maybe. I've had some failures with players who were NOT ready for this style of play. However, I have found that most players, when given the time and creative space to figure out what is going on, are really interested in and excited to experience a real challenge. A challenge that isn't based on playing their character optimally to output damage but a challenge to themselves directly. It is paradoxically a more mature AND childlike form of play because it is more creative and challenging. It's really fun for myself (because I get to organically react to shenanigans), and it's fun for players who are actively rewarded for creating shenanigans. Going "off the rails" isn't a "the GM was so mad" kind of experience. It is literally required to advance the session. I am happy to see my players figure the situation out and come to their own solutions to the problem.

This gameplay also leads to players talking to each other and playing together. Players are not focused on their character, they're focused on the situation and how their character, as a tool, can engage with it. In this style, the players actually need each other for more than just managing the action economy of the game with their character's abilities. Players need each other because they need the shared experience, knowledge, and creativity of everyone at the table. There's a lot of talk about TTRPGs enabling collaborative storytelling, but my games are among the few times I actually get to experience players collaborating to tell the story during a TTRPG session.

What would a greyplainsttpg on tumblr dot com post be without shitting on 5e and 5e culture? I have had this issue with games for a long time. Long before 5e. This is not an issue unique to 5e culture. However, I think 5e has increased the daycare-style of engaging players that I find genuinely insulting. More than anything, this "googoogaga don't worry your little head, you'll be able to beat the BBEG, here's a clue to your puzzle uwu please don't be upset, please don't cry, you're a good boy/girl/pal aren't you!" is so rude to me. I'm an adult. Give me something to chew on. Let me ponder the morality of the situation I've found myself in. Why am I even playing a game that doesn't respect my agency? That doesn't expect me to be a human? Why am I playing a game, RAN BY A FELLOW PERSON, that doesn't seem to respect my agency as a human being by the structure of the culture of the game that they are playing? I don't think that they know what they're doing is disgusting to me. Maybe this is just the turbo autism talking. But do y'all (players in general) like this? Do you enjoy having a car toy shaken in front of you as a distraction with no real substance. Evil is bad, good is good? That's the game we're playing? Fucking really?

This is related to my disdain in 5e culture of referring to characters solely by their class and not their name or their role. It's so cookie cutter. It feels like the goal of 5e is to make exactly 12 characters that you can add custom gear to and then go through all the "wacky" little adventures the GM cooks up. It's the same 12 characters in every game of D&D in different permutations. The same 12 characters reacting to every situation forever and for all time. You are the ones in a simulation. You're not playing a game. The game has already been played the second you picked your character classes, you just get to see how it plays out (exactly as you predicted it would). Playing 5e in particular makes me wonder why I'm even playing a game instead of letting the AI play my barbarian for me. Would it be any different? Because if I play my Barbarian "correctly" than what is the difference between me and every other barbarian player in that adventure? You know? It's soul-crushing. Playing 5e crushes my soul in a way that "I don't know, I like 5e" people will never understand. It's not a game. It's not collaborative. It's lines on a chess board of optimal play for "WOWEE" points. It's so fake.

If you try to use 5e to play a real fucking game, the entire math of the system collapses around you. This can be funny to do intentionally, but god damn is it annoying to endure. 5e does not have the tools in it to play a game of Dungeons and Dragons. All it has are the tools to simulate what playing a game of Dungeons and Dragons looks like from the opposite end of the camera on the set of stranger things where they roll a d20 to determine if fireball hits? What the fuck am I watching that's fucking crazy the demogorgon has MR it first would need to roll a % die what are you doing mike fireball was a fucking terrible spell to use you're all in a confined space, WILLIAM YOUR WIZARD HAS NO MORE THAN 30 HP WHAT IS GOING ON IN YOUR SWEET LITTLE GAY HEAD CAST A SPELL THAT DOESN'T INTERACT WITH MR. The entire plot of Stranger Things happened because Mike refused to let Will TPK his own party as the demogorgon is immune to fireball. Ironically, this could have been used as part of the plot because Psionics SPECIFICALLY gets around MR and that would been a way to tie the events of the show to the game that they were playing but what the fuck do I know. I swear this is on topic for my post at large. Cause, like, watching people play D&D wrong feels pretty similar to watching people play D&D "correctly." People have their characters act so bizarrely/rigidly it makes me wonder why I'm even playing a game.

Play games with people and systems that respect you. Play games that value your human spirit. Play games that could not be better replicated on a computer. Play games that challenge you and ask you difficult questions. Play games that are worth playing. Be a player that is worth playing with.

[deansapplepie]

Till THE DEAD do us part |Chapter 13

A/N: This story will take place in all the seasons, but it’s not exactly a rewriting cause I’d have to re-watch everything to use the exactly lines of the characters, also I think it’s better if I tell a side story without changing the main facts of the story. This story has a Female Reader, but I don’t describe her appearance, so anyone can identify with her.

Chapter 12 Chapter 14

Series Masterlist Main Masterlist

Chapter 13: This group’s broken

Summary: Randall is still a problem the group needs solve and come to an agreement about. The happenings of the barn is still something shaking some people. Feelings and traumas from the past comes to haunt Y/N making her anxiety boil and overthink a lot.

Warnings: swearing, angst, death, mentions of violence, gore, suicide attempt (not narrated, but mentioned), mentions of depression, mentions of torture, mentions of execution, traumas, anxiety, mentions of abusive relationships, fear of abandonment, brief discreet mentions of sex, loss, grief. Minors do not interact.

Pairing: Daryl Dixon x Grimes!Reader (Rick’s Sister)

Word Count: 5,834

Extra notes: I proofread the text, but English is not my first language, so feel free to correct any mistakes, of course with love. Also, there’s a bunch of warnings in this one but there’s also fluff, comfort and a bit of fun.

Finally Randall’s leg was well enough so he could survive alone in the wild that was Earth now, so Rick and Shane would carry him miles away from the farm and release him. You weren’t very happy about Rick going alone with Shane.

“Let me go with you, please.” You pleaded Rick for the millionth time, Shane wasn’t someone reliable anymore, you couldn’t risk losing your brother again and have Shane coming back with some lame excuse how he made for Otis.

“Y/N, I’m the one here with self defense skills, not you. I can handle myself well without you. I need you here.” Rick said, and that would be the last time he would tell you, he was losing his temper already. “No discussion.”

“Be careful, please. He’s dangerous.” You hugged him and gave him a kiss on his cheek.

“I’ll be, don’t worry. I need this time alone with him. I’m coming back.” He assured you and hoped it would really turn out like this, because you could see the madness in his eyes, and by how we was obsessed with Lori… you didn’t doubt he would be able to do atrocities even to his ‘brother’.

After they left, you couldn’t get rid of the uneasy feeling you had on the pitch of your stomach. You were going to help around in the farm and in the house, but your mind couldn’t stop the worry. You were giving the horses water when you heard a knock on the stables door, you look to your side and you saw Daryl. As much as the idea of scaring you was tempting enough, he chose not to do so.

“Just wanted to let ya know I’m gonna hunt, maybe bring somethin’ good.” He approached you.

“Ok, be careful, please and don’t come back late. I’m already worried enough by Rick.” You said, then looked both sides and didn’t see anyone around. You tiptoed and pecked his lips.

He blushed, he had been doing way more than this with you and he blushed because you gave him a small kiss inside a stable where the only witnesses were the horses. He knew you were worried about Rick being alone with Shane, things between you and Shane had gone bad since the day of the happenings of the barn and it was just going down. When Daryl told you one night that he thought Shane had killed Otis, things spiraled really quick and you started seeing Shane with different eyes, many attitudes from him made sense actually. He wasn’t the person that you used to know anymore.

“Dun worry. Rick’s tough, he basically came back from the dead, nothing bad is happening to him.” He said, he could practically read your mind and know everything you were thinking about it.

“And you?”

“Me too. I’m gonna be careful. I promise, I’ll be back in one piece.” He gave you a quick kiss, you said your goodbyes and you went back to your chores.

Lori was inside the house helping with the chores and also helping Maggie taking care of Beth. She was still not good, she was in a state of depression that got all of you worried. Lori was preparing a lunch for Beth, so you were around the kitchen with her and Maggie. Maggie was talking about Glenn with Lori, you decided to not participate of the conversation, but you were listening to everything. Lori was more experienced on the topic of relationships, you knew what was good or not, but just theoretically. Until now you had had just one boyfriend before Daryl and it was a shitty experience, so you didn’t know if you had something wise to say even though you were older than Maggie. You thought it was a bit too much when Lori said that Glenn should man up, imagine saying it to the young man, he would be sad or really offended, or both.

“Glenn is just scared, he’s a good guy. You’re probably his first love, I can’t say it for sure, but that’s what it seems. He’ll overcome this fear of him. Don’t worry.” You passed an arm on Maggie’s shoulder and gave a little squeeze on her arm to reassure her.

“And how about you and grumpy man? Have you already said the words?” She elbowed you playfully.

“Hmm… no. Not exactly. I don’t know if it’s like this.” You said, you were always reserved about your personal matters, always keeping everything to yourself, afraid to let people know your feelings or to be exposed and feel weak. But maybe, some girl talk wouldn’t be that bad. “He said the other day I was his and I also said it to him…” You paused thinking if you’d say the other thing that came to your mind to them.

“And…?” Lori asked. “We know there’s more. Spill it.”

“He… he said that his… you know… was mine.” You blushed instantly talking about it and thinking about it. Was it correct to tell such thing to others? You never knew what was ok, and what wasn’t, but it’s not like if you were telling all the sordid details of what you two did.

Lori made a face as if she was thinking ‘wow, the man really have some balls’ and Maggie just had a fit of giggles, giving you a side hug and squeezing you. “It’s almost the same thing as saying that 3 words.” Maggie observed.

“It isn’t, this is possessiveness which is normal in relationships even the healthy ones. But anybody can have this without love.” You told Maggie, she was young, probably didn’t have unhealthy relationships she wouldn’t know. You were maybe 8 or 9 years older than her, it was a different experience, especially with broken people.

“Well… everybody can see, but we can’t stop you from being stubborn. I need to go help Glenn, but if you need anything you can call me.” She said and then turned to Lori. “Thank you so much for helping with Beth.”

“It’s nothing really.” Lori said and got the tray to give lunch for Beth.

You stayed at the house and helped Lori at the kitchen, you washed some dishes and cleaned and organized the room. After one hour or so, Lori went to Beth’s room to get the tray back. She came back with untouched food, Beth couldn’t continue like that. When she was throwing away what Beth didn’t eat, she suddenly stopped and ran from the kitchen.

“What happened? Lori?” You asked her, but she was already gone. She came back a knife in hand and in a rush.

“Go and Keep an eye on Beth. I’m gonna bring Maggie or Hershel.” She said and left.

You left the kitchen and went to Beth’s room, on your way you put the pieces together and realized Beth had hidden the knife and was probably going to attempt something against herself. Soon Lori arrived with Maggie and Andrea, Maggie asked to be left alone with Beth and all of you went back to the kitchen.

You were trying to be in good terms with Andrea again, so you decided you’d try not to talk back at her when she said stupid things, even though they were talking about Beth. You just stayed there watching while they talked Andrea thought Beth should make her own choice, which is very different from what happened with her. Beth is just a kid and she’s not dying because she was bitten, so why let her commit suicide? She should be talked to and taken care of to help her get better. You bit your tongue trying to not express yourself, but you just couldn’t contain it when Andrea brought up the fact that Lori had her husband back, her child was saved, she had a baby on the way and had a ‘boyfriend’. And Andrea had to finish bringing you up in the middle of the thing, did you disagree with her? Yes. But did you say anything about it? No, just on your mind. So why bring you to the discussion?

“And you…” She pointed at you startling you at the suddenly call. “You have your brother, your nephew, a new nibling on the way and you’re fucking Dixon like rabbits, you would never understand.”

“Andrea, are you serious? I wasn’t even in the discussion. Why do you always involve me in your shit? You don’t get to speak like this to Lori, we had a lot of blessings, but we also suffered like everyone else. Do you think we were happy the whole time we thought Rick was dead? Or that it didn’t cross our minds that Carl was going to die? You think we didn’t suffer because of Amy, Jim, Jacqui, Sophia or all the others lost we had along the way?” She said everything she wanted to Lori and now she was going to listen to you. “And why do you mind who I fuck? You’re fucking Shane, and nobody told you a word. Mind your own business.”

You almost didn’t stop to breath while the words just came out of your mouth like a waterfall. “I wasn’t going to say anything regarding Beth, but she’s only sixteen. She’s a kid, we have to protect her and try to help her get better, and not encourage the way out. Andrea, I think we’re never going to be in good terms again, there’s no way. You’re not the same anymore.”

You left the house and went back to the camp, finding Carl and Luna playing with a stick. Carl had been acting colder and colder in the last days, it was good to see him being a kid, even if it was for a brief moment. You played a little with them, but to be honest you were still nervous about Andrea and worried about Beth.

After 30 minutes, maybe one hour, you didn’t know exactly, you heard a commotion in the house. You told Carl to stay there and ran to see what happened. When you arrived to the source Lori and Maggie had just opened the door to the bathroom and there was a crying Beth, hand on her bleeding pulse, asking for help and saying she was sorry. You learned Maggie had left Beth alone with Andrea and it was her biggest mistake, because she left the girl alone and God knows what she said to her. Maggie had a fight with Andrea and told her to never again step in the house. You were done, your stress level was up on the sky already.

When it was almost getting dark you saw Daryl coming back, you walked in his direction happy to see him and have an excuse to not be in the camp, hence near to Andrea. You met him halfway, he had some rabbits and squirrels, you knew it probably wasn’t what he really wanted but you were grateful for any meat that he brought back.

“I thought you’d never comeback.” You said walking by his side.

“I said I’d comeback.” He answered and took a quick glance at you. “Jus’ didn’t wanna comeback without something.”

“We’re all grateful to you, bringing meat or not.” You said while you arrived the small camp of yours.

He took everything he needed to start to skin what he brought and clean so it would be ready for consumption. You sat near him observing his work, you never tried, but now you had observed him doing it so much that you’d probably be able to skin something if you needed or wanted to.

“Wha’s wrong?” He asked still concentrated on his job. Once again, you were surprised on how he could know something was not right. “I can see all over ya that somethin’ is bothering ya.”

“Today was a stressful day” You propped your elbows on your knees and rested your face between your hands. You recalled all the situation with Beth and Andrea, and you just wish this day didn’t happen, and it was far from being one of your worst days.

“Wha’ happened?” He lifted his head from his work and took a look at you. You looked tired, everyone was always tired nowadays, but it was not only physical it seemed that your mind was also tired.

“Andrea was a bitch. I swear I tried to be on good terms with her again. And Beth tried the way out, I believe encouraged by Andrea. Maggie left them alone and Andrea also left Beth alone.” You gave him the short story of all that happened. “I should have gone with you.”

“Yeah, ya should.” That was his way of saying ‘I missed you’.

Soon you saw the car in which Rick, Shane and Randall left arriving back in the property. When you saw Rick getting off the car you felt relieved to see him, but apparently they had comeback with Randall. Shit, it wasn’t over. As soon as Daryl finished skinning and cleaning the hunt, you went to to the camp to meet Rick and know what happened.

Once you arrived you saw that Rick had bruises and cuts on his face, no way it was the kid, walkers? No. It was Shane. Damn, he had the audacity to attack Rick. You didn’t even think, you turned around, hot headed and ready to go look for Shane and beat the hell out of him.

“Where d’ya think ya’re going?” Daryl hold your arm stopping you to go anywhere. He knew where you were going, sometimes he could read you so easily that it surprised him.

“I’m going to give Shane hell, nobody gets to touch my brother.” You yanked your arm from Daryl’s hand, just for him to catch you again, holding his arms around you so you couldn’t go. That wasn’t the moment for you to be reckless.

“Y/N, do you think I was just beaten? I also beat him.” Rick reasoned with you.

“Either way, it wasn’t enough, he deserves worse.” You said, still fighting – in vain - in Daryl’s arm.

“Woman, stop. Ya’re being more hot-head and stubborn than me.” Daryl turned you around and hold you by the shoulders. “Look at me.” He commanded, and you looked at him, right in his beautiful blue eyes. “Don’t do anything stupid. He’s uncontrollable and ya know it. If he lays a finger on ya, I dunno what I’m capable of doing and I dun wanna find out.”

“Ok.” You answered and didn’t try to go for Shane, but you still felt like ending him. “Why did you bring the kid back?” You directed the question to Rick.

“He said he studied with Maggie. Which means he knows where the farm is.” Rick ran his hand on his face. “We’ll need another solution.”

The other day, after breakfast, Daryl went to the room where Randall was, he said he was going to talk with him. It was taking a long time for him to return and you were starting to get worried.

“Ok, that’s it. I’m going to see what is taking him so long to come back.” You told your brother.

“Don’t, the kid is handcuffed. There’s nothing he can do against Daryl.” Rick said standing on your way. “I don’t wanna you close to that guy.”

“I think you had said you’d stop treating me like a child, Rick.” You looked at his face and you could see there was something wrong. “Are you two hiding something? That’s it? Now you have secret agreements between both of you?”

Before Rick could say anything, you saw Daryl coming in your direction. Was that Blood on his hand? ‘Holy shit! What the hell have you done Daryl Dixon?’, you thought. He arrived telling you all the information he got from the kid, there were 30 in his group, they were violent and dangerous, they raped women. You followed Daryl to your tent, you could feel he was still angry, so you were thinking about what should be the best approach.

“D. Let me see your hands.” You requested and he started organizing his things to leave and go into the woods.

“There’s nothing to see, I’m good.” He said with some arrows in his hand.

“Daryl.” He ignored you.

“Daryl Dixon.” He ignored you again, stuffing things on his backpack, so you just got close to him silently and yanked his backpack throwing it on the ground.

“What the fuck Y/N?” He shouted at you, now you had his full attention.

“Stop, this shit! I’m talking to you, your hands are hurt! Let me take care of them.” You told him your voice high. He looked at you impatient. You took his hand and guided him to one of the beach chairs. “Sit.”

“I ain’t a dog.” He complained while you made him sit.

“So, why are you obeying me?” You threw back while you picked the First Aid kit inside the tent. You were playing with fire and you knew it.

He tried to get up while he mumbled something in protest that you couldn’t understand. But you were faster than him and pressed his shoulder down so he would sit again. You took the other chair and brought it close to him, sitting in front of him, your legs between his so you could be closer to take care of his hand.

“Gimme your paw, I mean, your hand.” You joked one hand extended on his direction waiting for him to give you his hand. “If I’m a puppy, you might as well be one. Or maybe you’re a Kitten, you are as skittish as one.”

He gave you his left hand very reluctantly, but he knew you would not let him be if he didn’t. You took his hand and saw how his knuckles were hurt, your heart ache by seeing his hand like this, but you also felt uneasy about the young man that was on the other side of his fist. You took some alcohol and wet a cotton swab to pass where he was hurt.

“It’s gonna hurt.” You alerted him, he didn’t say anything. He just observed your small hand holding his and tendering his wounds with the cotton swab, hissing when it hurt too much. “Did Rick ask you to do this?”

“No.” He answered, short… good he didn’t want to talk.

“Did he know about it?”

“Maybe.” He answered eyes on your hands now cleaning the wounds with boric-water.

“Or he did or he didn’t. Gonna take it as he did, he was acting suspect.” You stated, looking at your first aid kit for some ointment.

“Are ya angry at me?” He asked while you passed the ointment on his wounds.

“No, just concerned and upset. Gimme your other hand.” You took his other hand and started to give the same care. “I don’t like both of you hiding things from me.”

“ ‘m sorry, ya dun agree with what I’ve done, do ya?” He asked, head still down paying attention to you.

“Torturing isn’t right.”

“I didn’t have an option, we needed the information about his group.” You cleaned his other hand. “His group… the things he said they did… he’s not someone to be around or for us to let go, he knows where the farm is.”

“So, do you think we should kill him?” You asked a cotton swab passing on his hand.

“Yes.” He said, you were conflicted. You were always taught that killing was wrong, you can’t take life from someone. Unless it’s a walker, of course. Or, if your life is in danger. But execute someone? It sounded wrong, but at the same time… you should think about the group safety. “Don’t ya agree?”

“I don’t know… I think it’s wrong, but I also see that we’re out of better options.” You passed the ointment on his hand.

“Are ya comin’ to the woods with me?” He asked a little apprehensive that you wouldn’t want to be with him because you were upset.

“Thought you’d never ask.” You looked at him and smiled, no way you’d be stuck in the farm again in the middle of all the chaos.

You were having things done to go, when you saw Dale arriving followed by Luna swinging her tail. Dale came to talk to you about the decision of killing Randall, he wanted to know what both of you thought, and of course try to convince you otherwise if you thought the boy should be killed.

“I’m not sure Dale, really. At the same time I think we shouldn’t, I don’t see any other solution.” You said, despite you thought your opinion would not be so important in the end. Dale tried reasoning with Daryl to no avail.

“This group’s broken.” He said, and when you heard that… you couldn’t help but feel bad. Was really your group broken? Did Daryl think the group wasn’t good enough for him anymore? Did he want to leave? Would he leave without you? Would he even tell you if he decided to leave? Was he tired of you?

You were so caught up in your anxious thoughts that you didn’t even saw that Dale was long gone and Daryl was calling you so you could go. “Pup, what’s wrong?” He asked, his hand waving in front of you worried.

“Nothing.” You lied, and he knew you lied. “Let’s go?”

He got his things, you got yours, Luna followed you and you walked silently until you reached the woods. You were open and comfortable with Daryl, you always were and it even annoyed you some times, because you would speak whatever is on your mind, and in your opinion you said things you shouldn’t say. But you couldn’t talk about your feelings, or you tried not to, because of a bunch of insecurities clouding your thoughts. He wasn’t also very comfortable about talking about feelings, so it was understandable, but at the same time he felt uneasy if he didn’t know everything that’s on your mind. He held your hand and it startled you from your unstoppable thoughts.

“Ya lied again.” He didn’t took his eyes from the woods searching for any danger or possible hunt. His voice didn’t change the tone, there was no anger or negative feelings on his speaking.

“I don’t wanna talk about my feelings.” You said looking at your feet attentive to where you stepped, your other hand slightly brushing over Luna’s head.

“But I want to know what ya’re feeling. I need to.” He said, damn… did he sound vulnerable? Was he weak? He couldn’t allow himself to look pathetic and weak, but he also didn’t want to mistreat you. “ ‘m not good talking ‘bout feelings, but I always need to know yers.”

You stopped walking and you turned to him, now holding both of his hands, or more like his hands engulfing yours. “Be honest.”

“Never lied to ya.” He said looking at your face while you were looking down at your hands. “Look at me, please.”

You lifted your head, looking right at his eyes and all you saw was worry. You took a deep breath taking all the courage you had to speak. “Are you…” ‘not happy with me?’ You wanted to complete but stopped mid-sentence. “Do you wanna leave us?”

“Of course not. Where did this come from?” He asked, but before you could answer his mind started to put the pieces together. “That’s because I said the group’s broken, isn’t it?”

“Yes” you said, just that. Unable to say more or add anything else that were running like a tornado inside your mind.

“It wasn’t a lie. I think the group’s broken. Shane’s crazy. Andrea’s reckless and listens to Shane. Carol’s still broken because of Sophia. Glenn… if Hershel decided to kick us from the farm, he’d stay behind and I don’t blame him. This group isn’t like it used to be, not that we were perfect befor’ , we never were.” You took all his words putting everything together and trying to reason what he said. Still feeling uneasy. “Wha’s on yer head?”

“It’s just… when you said it, it seemed like you didn’t care anymore about the group or what happens with it.” You looked at his growing bangs that fell on his forehead, or you wouldn’t be able to say it if you looked at his eyes. “Or…” You paused, no, no, you couldn’t say what you were thinking not at all. You’d scare him, he’d leave you.

“Or wha’ baby?” You looked at his eyes again, and with the worry you saw a softness that you didn’t quite know what it meant. He never called you ‘baby’ outside of the sheets and it made your heart jump and butterflies fly in your stomach.

“Or…” you shifted your eyes to look at your hands, tears threatening to fall. Shit. Why were you so emotional and making a big thing of something this small. “That you didn’t want me and would leave.”

Things had been so good between both of you, that Daryl forgot you still had traumas from your past relationship, traumas that would trigger only when you were in a relationship and could experience things again. And now, was one of those moments. He couldn’t imagine half the shit you’ve been put through so you’d think he would leave you or that he didn’t want you, after he asked you to live with him, after he showed you his scars… after both of you broke so many walls that were built around yourselves.

He let go of your hands and hugged you, you always reassured him when he had his insecurities, now was the moment for him to do the same for you. “I ain’t leaving.” One of his arms was around your waist while the other was in your head bringing your face to hide between his chest and shoulder. “I want ya, and I dun see myself not wanting ya any time soon.”

It was as if a tap was open and the tears that were in your eyes fell making you let little sniffs and hold both hands on Daryl’s vest. “I told Rick, and I’m telling ya now, I ain’t playing with ya.” He didn’t put any names on what you had, he never said ‘I like you’ or ‘I love you’, he didn’t even know how to name what he felt or if he could feel any of those things. But he knew he wanted you, he needed you and he was going to protect you. He had already told you, you were his and indirectly that he was yours, but he couldn’t bring any of those words, these simple words scared him… So he said what he could manage to come out of his mouth. “We’re together.”

You took your face from his chest and looked at his face, he was serious, this wasn’t any sick joke. You should’ve known, you knew Daryl, he wasn’t like that… and you never doubted it. You shouldn’t start doing it now just because you had a relationship. He was not him. He was Daryl and you knew you could trust him. “I’m sorry. I think my period is close, or something…” It was probably something, but you could always blame the hormones, so why not?

He kissed the top of your head tenderly and looked at your face again, now you were better. You looked more like yourself when there wasn’t all those intrusive thoughts and anxiety. “What do ya say I teach ya a little bit of hunting and tracking?” He asked.

“I was waiting for the day you’d offer me this.” You smiled, your hands now resting flat open on his chest. “I’d love if you taught me.”

When it was close to sunset you and Daryl came back to the farm, you didn’t hunt anything as he taught you were still learning so it didn’t go good. He held your hand in his intertwining your fingers and you walked in silence, Luna leading the way in front of you sometimes stopping to wait for your slow asses.

In the moment you arrived at the farm Rick made a call, he was waiting for both of you to make a reunion so everyone could say their opinions about the boy Randall. Everyone except Dale wanted to kill the young man, Dale was extremely disappointed. You still didn’t know what to think about it, but you knew Dale was right.

“I’m with Dale.” You suddenly said and walked to stay by Dale’s side, even though you knew there was no way of winning the vote, you wanted to stay true to yourself. “He’s not his group and as far as we know he didn’t commit a crime that he deserves death penalty.”

You felt like you would combust at any moment just by the stares of Rick and Daryl that didn’t quite understand why you were siding with Dale and not thinking clearly about the wellbeing of the group. Shane also looked at you like you were insane, but you didn’t give a single fuck about it, so it was ok. The others were neutral at you. Soon Andrea also said she was with Dale, but in the end you three weren’t enough to deprive the group from killing Randall.

Everybody left the room to continue their activities, it was getting dark so Daryl, Rick and Shane would take the prisoner to do what they needed to. You were ready to descend the porch stairs when Daryl held your arm slightly and put you aside.

“We need to talk.” He said, and you already knew.

“Is it because I agreed with Dale?” You asked, you knew the answer. “Do you hate me because I disagreed from the group?” All that mattered was that if he would change about you just because you didn’t agree with them.

“Yeah, and I dun hate ya.” Actually it was quite the opposite, but he was concerned about your choices.

“I knew the majority of us would choose his death, my vote would make no difference. So I decided to stay true to myself.” You said, you could see understanding crossing his face by each word you said. “Just because I don’t think it’s right, it doesn’t mean it doesn’t need to be done.”

He nodded at you. “Alright, I ain’t upset. Go stay with Lori while we do this.”

You were with Lori when you saw the three taking Randall to the barn, you held your sister’s hand as a comfort for you. You weren’t going to see the execution, but knowing someone, a human being would be killed in the same place you were was scaring. You were comfortable killing walkers, they weren’t alive anymore, they were just walking corpses. In reality you thought it was merciful to kill the monster that once was a person.

“Don’t think much about it, it’s worse if you do.” Lori tried to calm your nerves, but it was impossible to not think about it.

After some time you didn’t listen to any gun shot and soon you saw Rick and Carl arriving to camp. Wait, Carl? Shit. Shit. Shit. Rick explained that Carl went there to see and that he was encouraging to kill the man. What was happening to the kid? He couldn’t lose himself so quickly like this. Rick wasn’t able to do this with Carl looking, so he postponed the execution.

“Where’s Daryl?” You asked, you saw everyone but him.

“He’s locking Randall again, he’s probably gonna be here soon.” As soon as he finished talking all of you listened to extremely pained screams.

Dale!

You ran in the direction of the screams, Daryl being the first to arrive started shouting for help. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. It was bad. All of you arrived almost at the same time and what you saw was heartbreaking, all his guts coming out of his ripped stomach. No. You cried. No.

“Hershel!” Rick shouted, the only thing he thought was you all needed him there to take care of Dale.

“It’s too late, Rick.” You said, tears rolling down your cheeks. You knew as much medicine as Hershel knew, both of you vets, the old man was just more experienced and have treated more people than you, that had only cleaned T.’s wound and took care of Daryl’s hands. “There’s nothing he can do.”

Hershel arrived and said the same thing, you couldn’t even move Dale. He was agonizing. Andrea pleaded that someone did something. Everyone was in pain by seeing Dale like that. He didn’t deserve this kind of death. Rick aimed his gun at Dale, it was best if someone ended this for him. You turned your back, you didn’t want to see, you had already seen more than you wanted to see. You wait for the gun shot, but before you listen to it there’s a raspy voice. “Sorry, brother.” And soon after Daryl’s voice the sound of the shot.

You were waiting for the shot. You knew it was going to happen, but you jumped at it a cry living your lips. You covered your mouth trying to muffle your sobs. You felt a pain in your chest, everybody felt it. There were cries, sobs and lamenting.

That night you cried yourself to sleep, and it wasn’t a peaceful one, even having Daryl’s soothing presence near you.

Dale was the group’s heart and now you felt like your group were definitely broken.

Wanna be add to my tag list? Let me know. (Please tell me if you want to be tagged on everything or just specific series)

Everything Taglist: @lilyevanstan1325

Till THE DEAD do us part Taglist: @sunnybunnyy2 @royaltysuite @isakyakiisak @milopenne @murdadixon

[maryawrites]

Sfumato - Chapter 11

It was hard to write this one because I've spent all of the last two days going on and coming off of drugs cyclically. I pretty sure you can tell in this chapter. Yeah, (Name) has a TBI. Supplemental: religious shame turns people into huge sexual freaks and maladaptive masochists (Personal experience).

CW: religious themes and religious trauma, ugly burning yearning at the worst of times, (Name) is fucking allergic to making good decisions (I did say this was semi-autobiographical), traumatic brain injuries/concussions, mentions of physical trauma, flaky unhealthy friendship, slightly homoerotic friendships, spontaneity and poor impulse control due to neurological trauma, like one mention of blowing up someone's car, Wade Wilson, referenced physical assault and fighting, the (Name) in this is a little stupid but that's what character development (and medical help) is for

Divider by @/saradika

  Stupid, stupid, stupid. 

  “Fuck.” I mutter under my breath as I continue down the rest of the way down the hall, since it appears I’m being dragged out of my hiding place with the sweet siren call of-

  Food. Food. Yeah. 

  And any of my shame is both washed away and doubled at the kind greeting I receive. “Oh, Jesus- Back to your quarters, Quasimodo. We have company right now.” Wade hisses, eyeing me with a sense of disgust I knew would arise. It hurts. Badly. 

  It takes me a long moment of standing in the doorway self-consciously before Logan finally catches my eye, shoving Wade in a way that’s almost corrective. “That’s not funny.” He deadpans, without even so much as sparing a glance my way. 

  …That was a joke. Wade didn’t mean it, he was making a joke. Oh.

  They both confuse me to no end. It’s horrible. 

  “Okay, anyways,” Wade moves on without missing a stride, turning with a can in either hand. “Chicken noodle or tomato?”

  “Uh… what?” I struggle, looking between his hands and his face. Now that I’m getting a good look at him again, I see why he wouldn’t be arrogant enough to make any jokes about my bruising. 

  He just sighs, tossing a can at me, which I barely manage to catch, earning a glare from Logan that I think is all too vague. Perhaps he’s simply not feeling well, like he’s hungover. I understand how being around someone so active can make you feel antsy yet tired. But my sympathetic train of thought is disrupted when Wade answers me. “Soup, trap mouth. What do you want- chicken noodle soup, or tomato soup? He got cream of chicken, too, but… ehh. I personally think that you’ve been through enough.”

  “Chick-” I start before being interrupted by Logan, who turns to Wade in pissy confusion. “What the hell is your problem with cream of chicken? I thought you said you’d eat anything.” He questions hardly. 

  “Oh, trust me, peanut, if I wanted to know what a chicken’s semen tasted like, I’d just do a better job of seducing you.” Wade replies offhandedly, turning back to the can still in his grasp, reading it intently. I watch his nose wrinkle in disgust at something I can’t identify. It looks like a regular can to me.

  “You’re disgusting.” Logan growls, turning back to the remaining eight cans on the table, messing with them. Hm? I take a wary step forward, peeking around the look at his handiwork. The grocery bag is already gone. Why’s he rearranging them so much?

  “You know what is disgusting? This salty crap. I asked you to get the sodium free variant. You’re going to kill us all.” Wade sasses back, settling the can back on the table before picking up one from Logan’s bunch, giving it a good look as well. If I were Logan, I’d be quite offended, but I realize how weird it is to be possessive over soup cans, and shut down that thought process. I should go somewhere else, away from all of this. 

  Oh, there’s the answer to all of my suffering- God won’t kill me because he’s so confused by my thought process that he doesn’t know what to think. He can’t kill me because he doesn’t know what he'd do with me after. 

  Well, there’s my closure. 

  I step away from the room quietly, slipping off into my kitchen. It’s so odd to have people around. I haven’t had anyone over- other than our landlord, on rare occasion, and Lily, briefly last night- since I moved in. And I definitely haven’t had anyone who’s life dips so closely to mine that it almost feels like we’re… friends. I’m not sure what makes someone your friend. Lily just sort of claimed me, but I don’t think these two are my friends. That seems immature, to think they’re my friends. The last thing I want to be is childish. 

  This is neighbors doing neighborly things. I think.

  I try to distract myself from their presence and background arguing by taking a good look at my own soup can, finding it to be condensed chicken noodle soup. Perhaps I’ve never given Wade enough credit- he’s a bit of a magician in his own right. I’ll repeat my point from earlier this week: he isn’t omniscient or anything, he just does horrible things so well that it makes me think. This is what I would’ve asked for if I had gotten some room to speak. But I have it, so it doesn’t matter. 

  My eyes dry out in the light quickly, searching for a pot. My head seems to go from vaguely throbbing to pounding behind my eyes as I lean down to look in my cabinets. I know I have one good one. Yes- I do. Finally, something normal about today. I choose not to think about work until tomorrow. They’ll move on by then. 

  I just need to get rid of my face. 

  No, no- better yet, I need to get rid of… this. I feel like I’ve been too loose the whole time they’ve been here. I haven’t been myself, I’ve been something different. Something unfamiliar, and uncharted, and murky. But not necessarily new, which is scarier than if it had been new. God, if I keep thinking so weirdly, I’m going to start acting weirdly, which isn’t something you want to do around people after getting knocked around. 

  I clear my throat, ignoring the thunder in my skull as I peek around the corner, looking back into my combination dining room-living room- I’m living off of a waitress’ salary, after all- taking in the two bickering off-handedly. It’s not even a proper argument anymore. Just conversation. It’s one of those intimate snippy conversations that I don’t think I could ever achieve. 

  I’m doing it again. Being a voyeur, peeking around corners. 

  I pull myself back in, shutting them out in my mind. I will distract myself with this.

  Getting the pot on the stove- easy.

  Starting the heat- easy. 

  Opening the can-… not as easy. Which shocks me. Because it’s fucking Campbell’s soup, for God’s sake, I’ve opened more cans than I’ve heard a decent joke in my life. 

  I try again with my left hand, holding it in place with my right. I put my back into it, trying to peel back the pull tab. What the fuck? 

  I glance back over my shoulder to the doorway, gritting my teeth- big mistake, I nearly choke on the pain that shoots through my face and jaw. I turn back to the can, gripping it harder and pulling again. Seriously? Last I checked, it was my head that got busted, not my wrist. 

  I hear footsteps coming and switch hands quickly, peeling it open with a familiar ease. Huh. So I guess not everything is twisted into something unordinary. 

  I glance up at the analogue clock on my wall as Wade rounds the corner into my kitchen, confusion filling me at the time. 

  “This isn’t breakfast. This isn't even lunch. It’s five p.m.. What did you have to eat earlier?” I question irritably, turning to look at him, though he gives me little notice as he goes right to my fridge. 

  “Nothing. I told you- this is breakfast, fcuked-up-girl-next-door-trope.” 

  “No. This is dinner. Why haven’t you eaten until now?” I insist, staring holes into the back of his head, any thought of eating slipping from my own pounding head. It’s probably about ninety percent hot air in there, yet it hurts so bad. Probably just hunger. 

  Oh, right, my soup.

  “No one- No one was really hungry, you know, watching you lie there. You looked comatose.” Wade answers, but I can hear the disappointment in his voice as he looks around my fridge. He’s looking for something to drink. That makes me tread lighter. 

  “...I didn’t think watching me sleep was so fulfilling.” I offer, trying to make a joke. He seems to like jokes. And even if it isn’t a good joke, he can still make one out of me for trying. 

  But I don’t even get mocked. “It isn’t.” He sighs, shutting the fridge door in dissatisfaction, leaving with a brief “I’m going to get something from our place. Don’t get the shit beat out of you again while I’m gone, please.”

  “Oh, uh-” I start to say something, but my hesitance is rewarded with empty silence as he leaves before I can speak. Disappointment sinks deeper into my belly. 

  Five p.m. drinking. This is where I’m at, now, in life. Great. 

  You know, it really would be great if God could just finish the job already. I think he got pretty close last night. It was last night, wasn’t it? I consider, turning back to my pot, emptying the can into it. It was last night, wasn’t it? I can’t remember, but it seems about right. I mean, what are the chances that I was asleep for more than one day? Surely someone would’ve done something.

  I think.

  I have hope that they would.

  I fumble the can while filling it with water, distracted by my own ponderings. I scramble to catch it, dipping my hand into it impulsively and slicing my index finger on a jagged edge where the top of the can once was. Now, here’s my greatest challenge- what do we all do when we’re in pain? Clench our jaws. Only problem is, if I clench my jaw, I’m going to disintegrate.

  I yank my hand back from the sink, pressing my finger to my sweater just impulsively as I had when I’d cut it. Damn it all. I raise my hand back up, popping my finger in my mouth to soothe the sting and suck off the blood, careful to avoid any of my teeth. But even that does not quite feel the same. 

  I give it up after a moment, wiping my finger on my sweatpants- getting bloody saliva on my clothes for the second time in the last twenty-four hours- before successfully filling the can with water and returning to my pot, adding it.

  While I’m over the stove I get a horrible feeling, then the thought that quickly follows- if my teeth are ruined, I’ll likely need braces. It hits me like a truck. Not only am I meager as is, but braces? Yes, perhaps a good repellent for ensuring I remain sane around Logan, but I have other parts of my life. I don’t want to be an adult with braces. What would that say about me? Oh, my grandmother would have a fit about it, an absolute fit because of what it implies about her care of me.

  It haunts my mind as I watch the condensed soup meld with the water, stirring it tentatively and ignoring my surroundings for a moment to watch how they slowly combine. But the little semblance of peace I briefly attain is shattered when a voice comes from the doorway to my kitchen. 

  “How did you end up like that?” Logan asks blandly, before he says anything else, or even just alerts me to his presence. When I spin around, I nearly stumble, only barely managing to catch myself before I can make it obvious. Perhaps ‘blandly’ isn’t the right adverb- there’s something there. Something. But he appears too unperturbed for me to make a proper assessment. I’ve never been the best at reading people, anyways. 

  “Uh… what?” I reply, rough with surprise and shameful embarrassment. I never realized how different it was to be alone with Logan, versus what it’s been like to be around him with Wade present. This is the first time I’ve ever really interacted with him alone. 

  His eyes flit around the space uncomfortably, as if it’s difficult to so much as speak with me. I know there’s something about me he doesn’t quite like, but this only feels all the worse with my newfound appearance. “What,” He repeats, a bit more slowly. “Happened to make you end up like that? What did you get into?”

  Oh. That’s what this is about. I didn’t think he’d care too much. A bruise is a bruise is a bruise. 

  “A fight.” I respond briefly, clipping my voice off as I turn back to my pot, trying to shove his presence completely out of my mind. 

  “I didn’t think you were the type to get into those types of fights.”

  “Maybe I am the type.” I mutter half-heartedly, zeroing in on the off-white still-cool soup in my pot, doing anything but thinking about how the floorboard creeeeaaaks under his weight when he takes a step forward. At least now I’m aware that he’s moving. Which… somehow isn’t as easing as I thought it’d be. 

  He’s heavy. My God, he’s big. 

  He huffs somewhere behind me. “What would you have to fight over that would be worth that?” 

  My friend got drunk and went to bomb her exploitative ex-boyfriend’s car, and I went with her because I was scared she would get arrested, and her ex-boyfriend came outside before we could get away and went after me instead of her, and it was weirdly refreshing and erotic, and all I could think of was you. “Just things. It escalated.”

  “It ‘escalated’, and you had to be dragged up the stairs like a carcass?” I need him to just drop it. Now that I’ve started thinking about it, I can’t stop. It’s this uncomfortable feeling under my skin, like I’ve found a shortcut I shouldn't take. I didn’t like getting hit. I don’t like getting hit. 

  But. 

  “Yes. So, that’s it. Do you want something, or…?” I question, trying to put distance between us without sparing a glance in his direction. I can’t keep doing this. He won’t let me in, and, anyways, I shouldn't be trying to get close to him, anyways. That’s not good. I’m not good. 

  I was supposed to be better. 

  Silence fills the kitchen thickly, swallowing up any of my misguided hopes for saying more to him. I feel his eyes on the back of my head, staring holes into the back of it before he leaves wordlessly, my shoulders loosening at the sudden loss. It’s not quite a relief. It’s just… less stressful. I reach up to my face silently, nervously taking the skin of my cheek between two fingers and twisting. Pain explodes in my face, and things feel like they’re set somewhere closer to normal. I bet I’ll be better by tomorrow.

  Wait. 

  Wait. Wait one fucking second. 

  Okay, I’m not a conspiracy theorist or anything, right? I’m not insane. Well, I might be a little insane, but I’m not diagnosed. And, look, everyone knows that Wade is Deadpool, because you’d seriously have to be an idiot not to. Also, he’s kind of worn the mask in the halls before. He’s… not the best at maintaining the ‘secret’ part of a secret identity. 

  But that’s not the point. 

  I’m not crazy crazy, all right? But I am ninety fucking percent sure that Logan is a mutant. Okay, that’s not the crazy part, stay with me- not only is he a mutant, he’s the fucking Wolverine. 

  I should… probably stop saying ‘fuck’. But I have a point. He literally looks just like him, but a little older, and a little more wounded, but it’s the same. Wade hangs around X-Men all the time, right? 

  I’m a genius. Holy Hell, I cracked the code. Or… maybe I really do have a traumatic brain injury.

  I sneak around the corner in my own home, keeping a careful eye out for anyone as I slip just far enough out of my kitchen to collect some tennis shoes and retreat back to the stove, leaning on it heavily as I pull them on. 

  Look- Yes, I have guests over. But I don’t exactly have anything of worth, and I don’t think they’d do that, anyways. Besides, I’m an adult. I can do what I want. Even when I’m kind of at-risk. 

  I slip over to the window in my kitchen, glancing over my shoulder before unlocking and trying it, jolting it open with a muffled groan. Everything hurts. 

  I’m moving way faster than I can think about it. It’s like nothing I’m doing is going through the filters in my brain. 

  I’m very careful to be silent when sliding it up, going as slowly as possible, getting it open just enough to crawl over my counter and out of it, tumbling into the fire escape gracelessly. No one cares. It’ll be fine. 

  I want to tell someone. But, evidently, I don’t have many people. Who do I have? Lily. She’s not… the best. But she’s not bad. I don’t know anyone else who would practically carry me to bed. And I forgive her for hitting me that one time, because I know it was pretty much my fault. 

  So. Fire Escape. Yeah. 

[yanderederee]

Rest,

tw: mild self harm. Comfort post tho.

~~

Baji gave you a pitiful look as tears streamed down your face. Stone solid and eyebrows furrowed. Silent.

“You’re overwhelming yourself-” he started in, but so over hearing the same things over and over again, you practically scream back. “No shit! I can’t catch a break! I literally have nothing to show for all my hard work I’ve done! The phones won’t stop ringing! I hear them in my sleep, Kei!!” You cried, shaking from the anger and stress that’s build up all day.

“I’m literally working my ass off and there’s no quantifiable measure of it!” You cried into your fists, accidentally allowing your muscles to take over when one of those fists came crashing down against your head.

“What the hell stop that!” Baji yelled back, going to grip at the offending fist. But now wasn’t the time. You pulled your fist away from his grip and screamed with all your pent up feelings. “It’s such bullshit! I can’t keep a solid strain of thought for longer than five fucking minutes Kei! I’m more capable than this!”

You had tried to run through your coping techniques. Deep breathing. Venting your emotions. Write them down and burn them. Cry. Running through everything you should be doing adding fuel to your demise. For your job, take applications. Render them. Data entry. Return emails. Answer phone calls. Reply to voicemails. Handle walk-ins. Everything. Everything. Everything-

Without realizing, you were hyperventilating while you curled up around yourself. Shaking and crying openly now. “It’s not that hard Kei! I’m capable! I-I can do these things! So why—“ you sobbed harder, your nails digging so deeply into your scalp, until you were pulling on the strands of hair beneath.

“It’s okay,” Baji spoke up in his deep vibrado. He pushed his thumbs into your palms, releasing the vice grip you had on your hair, assessing for any bruising you may have given yourself. “Being hard on yourself isn’t gonna make the work any easier.”

“You’re taking things at the only pace you know how. Too much too fast.” He knew you were about to retort back when your squeezed your grip around his thumbs, but before you had the chance to do that and push him away again, Baji pulled your head in and circled one arm around your neck. “Calm down first, nothin’ good ever came from solving problems in this kind of state of mind.”

The way he spoke was more order like, but it was comforting. There was no room for argument. No room for doubt or disagreement. He was right. There wasn’t anything you could say to take away what he meant. Baji pulled you in close for a hug, the compression against your body made you realize just how overworked your muscles actually were.

“They’ll hire another smart ass to take some of that work load off of ya. Don’t work on getting everything done, just what’s in front of you.” He consoled you with words you used to give him in your youth.

‘It’s okay to be there for Kazu! But beating up Chi—‘

‘You don’t know shit, shut the fuck up’

‘Oh you wanna play it like that?!’

Even if he was stronger than you, there was no way in hell he could push you around like he normally would. Even when you tackled him down to the ground and practically concussed the poor guy with you shaking him by the collar of his stupid Valhalla jacket.

‘You’re being a dick! Burning the bridge with toman ain’t gonna save anyone from anything! Tryna prove your loyalty?! Give me a break! Your acting might’ve fooled those bunch of bone heads, but you can’t fool me, idiot!’

Tears were streaming down your face at this point.

‘Stop it with these dumb back alley tactics! Would it kill you to be honest!?”

Seeing Chifuyu’s beaten up face really set you into a spiral.

‘You. Don’t. Know. Shit.’ Baji tried spitting back, only for your to yell in his face again.

‘I KNOW YOU KEI! STOP TRYING TO PLAY THE BAD GUY! I-‘

You finally stopped your assault on the poor guy.

‘I know you won’t stop trying to save everyone. That’s who you are… B’but damnit Kei..! You… don’t kill yourself in the process.. please,’

Keisuke Baji has never broke a promise with you. Not once. Not after that day.

You were too important to lose to underhand fightings.

“You’re doing enough.”

“Alright, rest” he ordered finally, pulling your entire body out from its seat across from him, and into his lap. “Take a nap. When you feel up to it, we’ll grab a bite to eat.”

“Just stay here and rest. We’ll get through it. Promise.”

[fayedartmouth]

Too many but im a curious person <3

🥸 🫘 🦷 💥 🛏

I'm gonna put my answers beneath a cut because whatever. I talk a lot, lol.

🥸 Does anyone in IRL know you write fanfic or original fiction? If not, do you plan on telling anyone this year?

Yes! Though KNOWING is not the same as letting them read it, and I've gained a significant amount of comfort in telling people that I write and that I write fic over the years. I'm old enough now that I know who I am and what I like, and I'm not super keen to apologize for it. So I've told my sister-in-law that I write it but when she asked to read it, I politely laughed it off and she never brought it up again. I told my daughter (who is 13) I write it, but I'm definitely not ready for her to read anything.

My husband knows and he's read a limited amount of it. If he had the wherewithal, he could easily find my stuff online but he hasn't for whatever reason. He would like me to talk more about it, but that's just hard for me to do. I think it's not so much that I write fic, but like the very specific type of fic that I write. I don't feel like having to explain why I'm obsessed with whumping my faves.

I have one coworker who knows and he does seem to read my stuff from time to time and talk to me about it. Which is surreal and kind of neat. He's been very chill about it and doesn't seem to think I'm a complete weirdo for the fact that I write as much as I do or what I do.

But like people like my parents? They will never know. LOL, never.

🫘 Spill the beans. What's a new project you're doing this year?

I wish I had a new one to talk about it! But I think I've blathered about the big ones already. The fix-it is a huge project for me, and that will preoccupy me for a while. At some point, I have to get back to Best of a Bad Deal Book Three, but I think my goal is to finish the first fic of my fix-it series.

Beyond that, there's nothing "big." I'm writing a Sarah and JJ as siblings fic for a friend, and I've got a bunch of other WIPs. I also have like two-three other really pressing ideas for shorter fix-its I'd LIKE to write but it is unclear if I'd ever have the time.

But yeah, I don't think I have anything dramatically new I haven't talked about.

🦷 Is there a chapter, scene, or WIP you're dreading to write (but is necessary to your plot)? Share a snippet or tell us about it!

Yes, I think so. With the fix-it, I ended up basically supplementing all of the back half of S4 because I just needed to for context and balance and in my head it was the only way to approach it. My problem is that I don't want to rewatch those episodes at all. In fact, at this point, I don't want to rewatch anything. Writing fic is great -- I'm good with that. But watching the show is still just too hard and I'm not sure I'll ever get to the point where I'll enjoy it again, even in small sections. Which kills me. To never watch Midsummers again? To never watch JJ's hot tub scene again? But it's just hard.

That said, I will do it because I need to ground the fix-it in what we saw on screen. I'd post a snippet but this answer is getting kind of long anyway. If you want more snippets, just ask. I'll share anything.

💥Is there a chapter, scene, or WIP you're most excited to write? Share a snippet or tell us about it!

Always! I'm excited about so many things. Most of the time, I tend to be most excited about upcoming whump. There's a scene in the second fic of the fix-it that I'm obsessed with but I feel like I shouldn't share it yet because I don't know. It seems like it gives too much away.

So I'll post a snippet at the very bottom here from JJ's recovery bit of the fix-it, when he's holed up in Morocco without the Pogues. Let's just say he's not doing well and his self destructive tendencies become a lot more overt as he takes a knife to his own stitches.

This fic is largely about JJ's downward spiral. The scene below isn't even his rock bottom, the poor guy.

🛏 Is there a new trope you'd like to write this year?

I don't know! I haven't actively thought about it. I think I've been doing fic a long, long time so I feel like I've been there and done quite a few things. I'm also guilty of going back to the same tropes that I love time and time again. So nothing is on my mind right now? But I'm really easily persuaded and I love new idea and new things. I love writing, so being challenged to do something new is always up my alley, even if right now my focus is nearly exclusively on making sure JJ isn't dead.

Here's the snippet:

It wasn’t as much a conscious thought as it was an inevitability.  His fingers were unusually steady as he reached the blade down, catching the first stitch and teasing it out–

And with a single, hard motion, he jerked his hand up, slicing clean through the stitch with surprising ease.  For a split second, the shock was all.  Then, blood welled up almost in protest.  And finally – belatedly – the numb echo of pain as it shuddered through his body.

The pain felt different, though.  It felt good.  It felt <i>right</i>.

At the very least, he decided, it felt real.

His lips twitched up with an unfamiliar rush of satisfaction.  The relief felt like the best kind of high, and it took nothing to catch the second stitch and rip it clean, too.

These quick fixes.  These temporary patches.

They didn’t work.

If they saved his life for a day, two days?  A week?

Even a year?

What did it matter?

They were just prolonging the inevitable.

Everybody knew it.

<i>Everybody</i>.

Luke couldn’t raise him.  John B’s friendship couldn’t save him.  Pope’s sacrifice was lost on him, and Kie’s love would never be enough to redeem him.

His mama had left him.

Groff had seen him, small and needy, and knew it wasn’t worth it.

Now, all JJ could do was let it bleed.

He had to let it bleed out.

There was no one left to hold him together.  He was alone, just like he was meant to be.

So he would take himself apart, stitch–

He cut the next one, slicing deeper with a grimace–

By stitch–

The pain hitched and his breathing tightened as he cut through the next–

By stitch–

The blood was weeping now, covering his abdomen.  He could feel it, trailing down his back and soaking into the sheets.  He watched, morbidly fascinated, as it left him, and the thrum of his heart rose tremulously in his ears.  His cuts were getting sloppier, reopening the wound and cutting into the healing skin.  He didn’t stop, though.  He couldn’t stop.

He grappled at the stitches, pulling the threads clean out of the skin until there was nothing left for his bloody fingers to grab.  His vision began to swim, and he had to put down the bottle to finish the work, pulling out the frayed edges until the blood made it too hard to see and there was nothing left to grab.

JJ exhaled, feeling light headed again.  His fingers were like lead weights as it slipped away from him, and he narrowed his focus as best he could, but it was a fleeting, impossible thing.  It hurt more than he thought it would, but the pain was part of it.  It defined him, and he held onto it as long as he could until he exhaled again.

His bloody fingers fell away.  The sound of his heart grew faint, and he lay there, open and exposed.  It was okay now.  He’d held on too long, he’d fought too hard.  He could let it bleed, let it go.

Until there was nothing left at all.

[im-out-of-it]

part 25 of season 3, episode 2 “the powers that be” continued

270. please let this be the last cringe clace scene of this episode I can only take so much

271. I don’t think clary or jace even know or understand what love is. I think they’re both too set in their own conceited ways to think about anything else. let these self absorbed people be together but force them out so we can focus on the better aspects of the show. I would have wanted them to end up with other people because I truly think they make the other person 10000x worse

272. jace: I don’t want to ruin this but also jace: you can’t tell anyone I died and also I’m super vulnerable to possession and I’m the one doing these attacks so I’ll make sure that Alec has to save my ass again and Magnus will have to sacrifice fucking again and then when I finally lose the only thing I care about which is clary I will try to go and get myself killed. that’s so much easier than taking accountability and trying to be a better person

273. yeah because any girl would run the fuck away from jace if they saw how toxic he really is lmao

274. RAJ SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!! probably the only time (it’s rare) where I approve of jaces behavior

275. buckle up bitches because this’ll be a ride. how stupid do you have to be to basically say warlocks should go fuck themselves IN FRONT OF ALEXANDER LIGHTWOOD??????? LOOK AT THAT GUY NEXT TO RAJ THINKING OH FUCK HE DID NOT LMAO

276. Alec: I beg your fucking pardon?

277. Raj had no issue taking orders from aldertree and I bet he would’ve chipped downworlders if imogen asked him to, but holy fuck, if downworlders have to be saved then it’s a big fucking problem????? but how stupid do you have to be to say this in front of Alec? it sometimes feels to me that these bigoted shadowhunters don’t see Alec as their leader

288. PUT SOME FUCKING RESPECT ON ALECS NAME HE IS IN CHARGE

289. I love how everyone shuts the fuck up once Alec speaks. you may not like Alec or what he stands for but he is in charge. they seriously just needed to do a bunch of background checks on all shadowhunters, and those who felt the power of the circle or whatever, should have been sent to idris. and I love how Alec does punish raj because he did go over Alec’s head. he would never have done that to aldertree or imogen. people like raj don’t respect Alec

290. see, this is a problem with most shadowhunters. they’re all good with doing their duty as long as it means downworlder lives don’t have to be saved or they don’t have to be near them. Raj is perfectly happy to push all downworlders out of their homes. yes, this plan is risky but people shouldn’t be kicked out of their homes. some shadowhunters really need a piece of the other side because a lot of them think they’re some untouchable gods who are superior. y’all treat downworlders like shit and expect them to save your ass????

(I swear if I was a warlock and one of these prejudiced shadowhunters needed my help, I’d go tell them to fuck right off. actually I’m too sweet so I would help probably but then I’d tell them to go fuck right off lmao)

291. Magnus: I’m Magnus Bane, enough said

292. Alec in his mind: I’m kicking this bitch out the first second I get

293. more on this group, we needed more

294. Raj is getting punished just alone for that comment but overstepping Alec? OFF TO WRANGEL ISLAND BITCH BYE

I seriously do not believe he would ever act that way around any other leader besides Alec. and the way he acts, it makes me know 100% fhat raj does not see Alec as a leader or respect Alec as a leader either

resuming 295 for the next one

[th0tsuk1b4kuh03]

Ardeen

A fire was cackling right underneath me whilst many people watched the pyre lit aflame. “May thy witch burn here on earth and in the pits of hell's depth.” A man beside said to the crowd as the flames quickly spread around me. I close my eyes as the heat becomes unbearable. I feel the flames melting away my skin. I want to scream. Scream as loud as I could, cry out for help and do it all over. But no. No screams. Just the immense pain of being burned alive.

You might wonder ‘how did I eventually end up in this shithole while I seemed like a normal maiden they used to burn back then?’ Hah, no. The answer is quite simple. Sins. In my case it was vengeance. Oh the wrath and the bittersweet taste of revenge I felt back then. The still delightful aftertaste after many, many decades. That is exactly why I nowadays live in the Ring of Wrath. Really, fuck this place. Everyone is always so upfront and self-centered. Honestly, I did not even deserve to be here in the first place… I mean sure, murdering your family, feeding their flesh to the dogs and yourself might seem a bit… Cruel… But I know I am a reasonable person! If they did not treat me as an animal I would not have started behaving like one. I am quite sure they are down here too and running into them would not be the biggest problem here… The biggest problem is the residence itself. You have to watch out with every step you make or take because there might be lurking danger around the very corner of your very own doorstep. That's why I decided I was going to step up my game and pay a long-term visit to the newest hotel; The Hazbin Hotel.

“Guys! Guys. I just received a notice that we'd be having our third recruit! Isn't this so exciting!!!” Charlie beamingly exclaimed as she rushed to the lounge where all her friends were gathered by her call. “Calm down, Charlie,” Vaggie placed her hand on her Girlfriend's shoulder. “No! This is the first time someone willingly joined!” She was too excited to calm down. Angel Dust huffed and looked up from his phone. “Hey, who am I then?” Charlie chuckled a bit awkwardly, “Uh, you're our first resident, but that doesn't really apply to you because you're our friend. This time…” — “This time it's a complete stranger and we're going to make this place pretty squeaky clean! We don't want to make it look like she isn't welcome!” She grabbed Vaggie's shoulders and shook her violently. “Great, another whiny woman.” Husk said, before anyone could answer him he walked to the bar and chugged the first and best bottle of beer he could find. “Wonderful, my dear. I shall prepare the hotel to your desires.” Alastor stood up from the couch, tossing and catching his cane. “Heheh, kill all bugz til clean…~” Niffty ran after a bunch of cockroaches with a knife; the usual. “Make dem suffr…~” Charlie had a satisfied and motivated grin plastered on her face. “Great, that's settled! This is gonna be fuckin' awesomeee!”

[agentlemansavage]

So. Let's talk about this year.

So quick summary the girl I was interested gave up on us. I could say alot about this but right now I'm just hoping she realizes she made a mistake and at the minimum continues our friendship.

My uncle is in the hospital. He likely doesn't have very long. This man basically raised me. He's the reason I ended up so different than the rest of my siblings. Seeing him like this kills me.

My friend with cancer isn't doing well, he actually got a second colostomy bag because the tumor had gotten so big that it basically messed up the first one. He's lost alot weight he isn't doing great and he also doesn't have very long.

Career: Back when the girl and I were still talking I filled out a bunch of apps in Florida and got a call back and they wanted me to start. The position was actually great and would have been a great next step in my career however with her and I not talking it would be strange to take the job. So I turned it down which sucks but I also don't want to end up looking like the crazy ex thing.

To top that off at my current job I'm also in deep water. Basically I hadn't slept in days and had a small mental break and didn't really call into work or anything and had a few days of no call no shows. So dealing with all of that fun repercussions but I have a few interviews so hopefully something happens soon.

Therapy. I have such a love hate relationship with therapy. I put alot of pressure on myself to take care of everyone and it's not healthy and it has caused me to not take care of myself. I have also come to realize I made my self worth so much about sex that i honestly believed that was the only thing anyone could ever end up wanting from me. It's where i have most of my self worth and it's weird to say and think about but to say it's caused problems in my life would be an understatement. So I'm trying to work through this.

I've been back to the gym almost everyday for 2 weeks now. It's helping me find some more stability as i get myself figured out and get back to a version of myself I can be proud of. I actually folded and out away all my laundry and have made Sunday my official cleaning day. I'm also considering going back to school although i may just work on some certifications to advance a few things. Oh and a few months ago i bought a Spanish app which I'm working through bit by bit too

Right now everything kinda just isn't great. I'm trying to stay positive but I'm finding it really hard and overall i just feel so defeated. Going to try and write some small updates once a month. Also going to try for the 100th time to do something with this blog and get it to a good state again.

That's about it. Sorry it's all word vomit I had to start somewhere.

[randomartistherelol]

more of this (but it’s the value pack)

Rayman,grinning: I have a knife! 

GF: Put it down, Rayman. 

Rayman : Make me! *sprints away*

GF:My aesthetic is "would be suspected of witchcraft by small town citizens."

Blue, texting Rayman :Rayman  there’s a moth on the outside of the bathroom door can you get rid of it? 

Blue: Pls hurry because I’m going to cry 

Blue: Rayman  

Blue: Rayman  

Rayman: Rayman  is dead. You’re next. Love, Moth.

Rayman: Do you know a turtles only weakness? 

Peppino: No... well, their slowness. 

Rayman: Their weaknesss is they can't roll over when they are on their backs. 

Rayman: Now I have a plan. 

Rayman: If I duct tape two turtles together, they'll be unstoppable. 

Peppino: Wow, I feel happy and I’m having so much fun! 

Peppino:

Peppino: narrows eyes* Something’s wrong here.

Blue: *Pulls a glass a water from out of nowhere* 

Rayman : Where did you get that? 

Blue: My pocket. 

Rayman : How do you keep a glass of water in your pocket? 

Blue: Skills.

Peppino: Don’t worry, I know exactly what I’m doing. Everything is going to be fine! 

Blue: How can you still say that? 

Peppino: Because sometimes, when things get tough, denial is all we have.

Blue: Do you want to play 20 Questions? 

Rayman : Sure! 

Rayman : Whats your favorite color? 

Blue, laser f[###]ing focused: Triangle. Do you like men?

Blue: *raises eyebrows* 

Rayman : Put those back down!

Blue, to Peppino: Look at you! All cute and small! I could just eat you up! 

Peppino: *proceeds to kick them in the shin and run away* 

Rayman , walking past: Rule number 1, don't call Peppino cute or small.

Peppino: When I was your age- 

Blue, mocking Peppino: When I was your height. 

Peppino:

Peppino: Listen here you little sh[##]-

Peppino, trying to comfort Rayman : What's the problem? Anxiety? Low self-esteem? Obsessive thoughts of random arson? I've been there.

GF: I think we can all agree I’m the ten amongst these threes.

Blue, hungover: Please tell me I'm imagining that I claimed I was king of the ducks. 

GF: I would, but then I would be lying to the King of All Ducks.

Rayman : What situation is not instantly improved by the addition of fishnets, I ask you. 

Peppino: Being a fish. 

Rayman : Well, sh[##].

Blue: What if Cinderella was a baking slave instead of a cleaning slave, and her name was Mozzarella? 

Peppino: Don't ever speak to me again.

Peppino: Don't worry, I've got a few knives up my sleeve. 

Blue: I think you mean cards. 

Rayman : They did not. 

Peppino, pulling out knives: I did not.

All 4 of them: I tried to write ‘I'm a functional adult’ but my phone changed it to ‘fictional adult’ and i feel like that’s more accurate.

Rayman : Remember how I once thought that this place couldn’t possibly be any weirder than my hometown? 

Rayman : Well, now I’m not sure how to feel about being proven wrong.

GF: It's called cauliflower, not ghost broccoli. 

Rayman , eyes wide: I know what I saw.

Peppino: I didn’t even realize how sarcastic I was being. It’s starting to become a problem, I think. 

Blue: Yeah, well I've never died so how do I know that god is real.

GF: Peppino, I am questioning your sanity... 

Rayman : I never questioned it, I knew their sanity was missing from the start.

Peppino: *seductively takes off glasses* Wow, you're... blurry.

Blue: I could kill you if I wanted. 

Peppino: Yeah? So could any other human being. So could a dog. So could a dedicated duck. You aren't special.

Blue: Change is inedible. 

Peppino: Don’t you mean inevitable? 

Blue, spitting out a bunch of pennies: No, I really didn’t.

[fightclubgayporn]

do you have anything like a doc of information abt sdau? i think it looks really interesting and id love to know more about it + the characters :D

OH ANON YOURE SO SWEET. tbqh i should make one. but context is it was made as a collaborative effort between me and my friends like. 2.5 years ago so its not just my baby. but i really do want to get like. the basics at LEAST down so that people understand the vague plot/vibes.

tl;dr? a bunch of superpowered young adults are just so bad at having interpersonal relationships (more detailed but still basic vers under the cut)

(ps: ive written some stuff about these guys! a lot of its on my ao3, noalarmz! fair warning some of it sucks. i also wrote rubbing alcohol for a creative writing project, and i think it fucks. alcoholism tw)

the characters: (ica)rus: has wings that can burst into flame, but its not like something he can. turn off. so its basically a self-destruct button. strict moral compass, wants to stop vernon, acts as a kind of "hero" for the city. very self-destructive in their pursuit of justice, and overly self-sacrificial (vernon thinks he's selfish for this. it's a whole thing.) vernon valentine: has sound manipulation powers, also deer antlers. dead set on killing narrator and replacing her. very fucked up from his ex girlfriend (who they killed. um) and projects a lot of that + their need for control onto kan. basically he's a very awful toxic friend and also causes problems around the city to get narrator's attention narrator: a very, very old, near all powerful person, but nonetheless, she is still human. her power is complete matter manipulation, meaning she can regenerate her body, being functionally immortal. shes mega op, but she Isn't Actually a god (vernon thinks she is though) she has absorbed a intangible Presence into her mind known as Underscore, which is basically omniscience itself. it fucks her up a little bit. líf erling: a time traveler who travels non-linearly through narrator's timeline. they have a very tragic romance together, due to the fact that when underscore enters narrator's mind, she becomes aware of her own death, which puts um. a strain. on the relationship. kan komarov: he has telekinesis on any non-sentient objects, barring himself! he has. attachment issues. and latches onto vernon HARDSTYLE. is it platonic? is it romantic? is it sexual? you decide. he would basically do anything for them and is fully committed to his plan to kill narrator. kris(ten) clark: a childhood friend of kan's! her power is that she can create purple crystals from the palm of her hand but they do not have good control over it so. oops they did crystallize their friends arm once. which weighs on her. she really cares about kan, so is willing to tolerate vernon, but eventually they just cant take it anymore and leave. better at escaping the cycle than kan is printz o'harte: rus's closest friend. he has emotional telepathy, meaning he can sense everyone's emotions At All Times. which is um. a tad overwhelming. he builds robots to help rus. oops looks like kan has a crush on him (much less intense than his. Emotions for vernon but yk hes got a lil crush <3) he also has been in communication with narrator, because they understand the whole. my mind is loud all the time thing cato crux: she had electric powers! note the past tense because she is DEAD!! she's vernons aforementioned ex, and while they were together, they worked together, trying to take down narrator (kan is kind of her replacement) but uh. then narrator decided to contact cato. and cato realized that she wasnt a god. and vernon, feeling betrayed and hurt and angry, uh. killed her ass. sad! eve singh: stretchy limbs. childhood friends with kan and kris. she and kan were roommates for awhile, until kan met vernon and drifted away from her. she still resents him for this. cherry sinclair: childhood friends with eve, kan, and kris. they're the friend who lost their arm to kris. they dont blame her, but she sure blames herself. they have control over metal, which is helpful in making their own prosthetics.

oh man thats already so much. heres the basic plot beats though

rivalry between rus and vernon established, they clash

during a confrontation, kan becomes interested in printz

kris realizes how Awful her situation is, and that kan has begun to be terrible also, runs away

kan goes into a MAJOR DEPRESSION even more reliant on vernon now, his interest in printz increases cause he wants to replace kris

printz entertains this on rus's advice, so that he could collect information on vernon through kan. this works.

kan is heartbroken AGAIN. sad.

he goes into a manic episode and burns down his old elementary school (it was abandoned but still)

the climax. kan and kris reunite, he apologizes and starts to realize the hold vernon has on him (still loyal tho)

vernon thinks theyre being betrayed again and goes to attack kan

sensing this, printz stops him, giving rus a chance to swoop in snatch vernon into the air.

they decide to sacrifice themself, and his wings burst into flame, killing both himself and vernon.

somewhere in there, narrator also dies i forgot how i gotta ask eloise (she made narrator)

heres where the timeline diverges a little? but in the Good Ending kan and kris are able to heal from their fuckups and become normal friends again, and kan and printz are able to explore the idea of a relationship outside of the confines of their established roles

in the other, kan is so devestated from vernon's death that he starts hallucinating vernon's ghost, jake english/fight club style. this ghost convinces him to dig up vernon's corpse and, using some remnant of narrator, he brings them back to life. but yk. vernon is all fucked up now, dependent on kan and broken by the experience of death. eventually kan realizes that vernon a) was bad for him and b) is not the same vernon who came back and asks kris to. dispose of them. she happily obliges

BONUS SHIT:

if you ever saw me draw a pink haired guy w nice tits and his gamer girlboyfriend, that's aj (pink) and quinn (gamer) they're only vaguely canon to sdau and were originally escape room 2 ocs (yes, really)

in high school (pre transition) kan was a pretty popular youtube cosplayer named Kotdere (kot- from the russian word for cat and -dere from. dere tropes in anime) when he disappeared off the face of the internet there was a lot of confusion

during this time he had an online gf. that was quinn. quinn goes on to be like. the jerma of this universe and gets a hot of streamer boyfriend (aj)

eve gets a girlfriend, victoria! she made those like. true crime/unsolved mystery vids. eve helps her make one on "the disappearance of kotdere?? what REALLY happened"

narrator's story is really beautiful and crazy and i did not at ALL make it so def def def ask @/lovelyisthedawn about her <3

vernon/kan is evil yaoi and vernon/kris is evil yuri. you agree

some ship names (not necessarily rom just relationships)

vernon/kan: high and mighty kan/kris: rock kandy vernon/kris: punkrock printz/kan: palm to palm cato/vernon: tyrannicides narrator/líf: ragnarok probably missed some these are the ones i remember </3

[bookwyrminspiration]

Reading your response to my last few asks has left me with more questions than answers

1. Why was Emmet in the egg outfit anyway? Are those actually eggs?

2. In what circumstances would Jacob believe that being naked and shifting in front of Charlie (the dad of the girl he was presumably trying to woo) be a good idea?? Also, as a side note, do werewolves actually need to be naked in order to shift or is they just something the one fanfic that I read got wrong?

3. Can you like give me a summary of all of Edward’s family? Cause like I feel like there’s something going on with that. Also, did Edward’s parents actually die in a plague that led to him being adopted or am I missing something here?

I apologize for my lack of twilight knowledge again. I have plans to go read it, but that might be another 2 years, so for now I’m bugging you about it.

⚙️

That's how it always goes with twilight, dw. Every response opens a whole new can of worms. I'll do my best to answer!

Why was Emmett in the egg outfit? No clue! (and yes they're actually eggs, they're hardboiled). That's just what the costume department dressed him in for that brief scene when filming--also, just so we're clear, the "egg outfit" is this outfit. It's not the outfit Roisin created related to eggs in her twilight drawing. I call it the egg outfit because it's what he was wearing while carrying the eggs and matches in color. As for why the actor was carrying a bag of eggs, it's because the director saw the actor actually doing that irl and was like this is so ridiculous we have to add that to the movie.

Why did Jacob get naked and shift in front of Charlie? It's because he was forcing the Cullens' hands pretty much. This was after Renesmee was born and he was no longer infatuated with Bella; Bella was a vampire now, and the whole family intended to uproot and move on from the area for a few reasons. One, so Bella wouldn't be around humans and be tempted to kill them while learning self control (newborn vampires are supposed to be full of bloodlust, but Bella's disappointingly well adjusted). Two, so that people wouldn't realize they weren't aging or changing at all--especially Bella, because she had active connections to people like her father. They could only keep it from him for so long, and it'd be easier to do from far away. Also wouldn't hurt to get away from the werewolves, as wolves and vampires don't really get along.

However, Jacob is tied to his pack and Forks, and if the Cullens left he'd have to make a choice between them. And he'd choose Nessie, but he didn't want to have to chose--and he wasn't sure the Cullens would let him tag along. He wanted to insure they'd stay. So with the crux of it being everyone worrying about how Charlie would handle it and deciding the solution is to not tell him and leave, Jacob went hey what it I tell him and prove to you he can handle it. And boom now Charlie knows so you don't have to keep secrets and run away, you can all stay here! It did create a tense situation where Charlie rushed over, and it was the first time Bella had been up close near a human and everyone was worried she'd lose control, but she didn't, so that solved the other problem. Bella wasn't at risk of losing control and killing a bunch of humans, so they could stay. That's why Jacob did it

And wolves don't have to get naked to shift, they just tend to because otherwise their clothes get shredded by their expanding bodies and when they shift back they don't have anything to wear and go through clothes really fast. So they wear minimal clothing (that's why they're just wearing shorts and sometimes shoes in the movies), and have a pouch on their ankle they put their shorts in when they shift so they don't have to carry their pants in their mouths.

And now a family summary! There are 7 Cullens (8 if you count Bella marrying in). And I'm trying to encompass everything important while not taking up too much space--considering there's four books I think it's rather condensed

Tw for: violence, death, abuse (including sexual), suicide, illness

Carlise Cullen is the father figure, the oldest of them all (a few centuries, turned age 23ish), and works as a doctor. He's known for his compassion and has legendary self control (only rivaled by Edward post meeting Bella), and has never drank human blood before. His father was a witch-hunter of sorts, and after he took over (though Carlisle was much more cautious about it), he ran into a vampire and was killed/transformed in the 1600s. He was horrified and tried to destroy himself, but couldn't, until he realized he could feed off animals and didn't have to kill people. He roamed the earth very lonely for centuries before he finally caved and created a companion for himself, Edward.

Esme Cullen is the mother figure, the third to join the family, and is known for being very sweet and loving; she's a little over a century old and was turned age 26 in 1921. She was in an abusive marriage and lost a baby in her human life, prompting her to take her own life, where she was then transformed by Carlisle. They are now mates.

Edward Cullen was Carlisle's first family member, transformed age 17 in 1918 because he was dying of influenza. Both his parents had already died from it, and his mother requested Carlisle save his life in a way only he could. He has the special ability to read the thoughts of those around him as though they were broadcast, sans Bella's. he had a phase early in his vampire life where he abandoned Carlisle and Esme and used his ability to hunt evil people, feeding on abusers and villains and the like, but he grew tired of the death and felt immoral, so he returned to Carlisle and Esme. He's very melacholic and generally displeased until he meets Bella and his world is turned around

Rosalie Hale was the 4th family member, transformed age 18 in 1933. She's known for her beauty and being self-centered. She was the picture perfect daughter of a wealthy family during the great depression, happy to be desired and admired, and was going to be married to another well-off family. Her greatest desire was to be loved and start a family of her own. Unfortunately for her, her fiance was actually a piece of shit, and his true colors were revealed when he and his friends got drunk one night, assaulting and killing her. Carlisle found and transformed her, and afterwards Rosalie went back and killed every one of them while wearing her wedding dress. She's also known for being quite jealous, liking cars, and wishing desperately she could start her own family

Emmett Cullen was the 5th family member, transformed age 20 in 1935. He was part of a wild crowd, but also hunted for his family for game. During one unlucky hunting session, he ran across a bear and was mauled to death. Rosalie found and saved him, taking him to Carlisle to be transformed. He's pretty much the only one of them who is happy to be a vampire and has no complaints. He's known for being boisterous, very strong and muscly, loving competition and fighting, and being absolutely in love with Rosalie, his mate. He's a himbo.

Alice Cullen joined the family at the same time as Jasper, but was transformed in 1920 at age 19 before that by someone else. She has the special ability to see the future, but only as the possibilities will play out based on current decisions. If someone changes their mind on what they're going to do, what she sees changes as the future changes. Vampires with special traits generally have hints of them in their human lives, but Alice's was incredibly strong, landing her in an asylum for her premonitions--this is why her hair is so short and spiky, as it was shaved there. She was also being hunted by a vampire tracker, James, because she had appealing blood. To save her from him, an older vampire working at the asylum transformed her, but was killed by James. Alice has no memories of her human life (compared to the vague and fuzzy few others may have) because of her time in the asylum. Once she was out, her visions guided her to Jasper (her mate) and the Cullens so they could join the family.

Jasper Hale was an aspiring military leader in the Confederate Army (yep, he was really a genuine confederate) and incredibly charismatic. He lied about his age when joining and was the youngest general in the army. At the same time, there was a secret vampire war going on in the area, and because of his charisma, he was scouted out by a vampire because she thought his charm would turn into a special ability once he was turned (by Maria in 1863 at age 19)--and it did. He can read and influence the emotions of others. So he served in Maria's army for a while. But he grew depressed from feeling the emotions of the people he was always killing, and his creator was thinking of getting rid of him because of it. A friend offered another way of life and he ran away. A while later, Alice found him (very planned out and intentional), and while she was acting strange (because of her knowledge of the future) he could feel the complete love coming from her. So with Alice they found the Cullens and joined the family. Though Jasper has the hardest time with the vegetarian diet, and while he does love the others, his primary concern is Alice. He has numerous scars and is very formidable in battle.

No one is officially adopted through legal means, all their documents and such are fake. The reason they all have the Cullen last name is part of the ruse--except for Jasper and Rosalie, who go by Hale because people assume them to be siblings and they think its better to let humans make assumptions and follow along. Though they are still adopted siblings with the others in the whole ruse.

I've given you a lot to mull over so I'll stop there, but I hope that helps! If you do read twilight I hope you have fun, but also no pressure to!