#it is going to get zero traction but i had to make it so could get it out if my system

[mynameisbillandimaheadcase]

(made by me)

[usomads]

Finisher // Roman Reigns x Reader (Pin Me Pt. 2)

Author’s Note -> Hiiii everyone! So many of you requested a part two to Pin Me, which again thank you so much for all the love on the first part. I honestly didn’t think of making it multiple parts when I first wrote this, but here we are and here it is lol! Happy reading!

Plot -> After pinning the Smackdown Women’s Champion in your mixed tag-team match with Roman Reigns, you gained popularity and with that your first singles title opportunity. You’ve never been more nervous for anything in your life, so your Tribal Chief helps ease your nerves before your match…

Pairings -> Roman Reigns x Fem!Reader (Y/N)

Warnings -> Cursing, Oral Sex (Fem!Receiving), Fingering, Gagging, Implied Smut, Not Proofread, MDNI

Word Count -> 3.0k

(time skip to the first Smackdown episode after Saturday Night’s Main Event)

“I’ve been your Smackdown Women’s Champion for nearly five months now, and since becoming your champion I have proved that I am the irresistible force and nobody can take this title from me. Not Bayley, not Naomi, not Tiffany, and esp-” Nia’s promo was cut short by your entrance music hitting, the crowd rising to their feet and popping loudly for your theme. Since pinning Nia at Saturday Night’s Main Event, you had taken the WWE Universe by storm; your social media following went up, more and more people were recognizing you in public, you had gotten exactly the recognition you wanted all along- and it was all thanks to Roman Reigns.

Since last Saturday and your “celebration” post-match, you’ve grown closer to Joe. You were getting to know each other better, spending more time together, and what you initially thought was a one-time thing in the heat of the moment was clearly not. Joe got his hands on you every chance he could, it didn’t matter where or when, if he wanted you he was going to have you. And who were you to turn down your Tribal Chief? 

Now, you two hadn’t defined your “relationship” just yet but you both were perfectly fine with the way things were at the moment- taking things slow and really getting to know each other (among other things) before making anything official. You were doing pretty well for yourself; you were gaining more traction than before and you had a fine ass man to go home to- you had zero complaints with how your life and career were going at the moment.

You emerged from backstage, microphone in hand, as the crowd roared at your entrance. You signaled for production to cut your music, walking confidently to the ring as you spoke. “Now, Nia, I know damn well you didn’t come in the ring to talk all this mess about ‘no one can beat me’ after last week… did you hit your head too hard during our match or something because I,” you paused, signaling to the crowd filling the arena, “as well as the entire WWE universe remember very clearly that I pinned you last week at Main Event.” The crowd cheered in response, boosting your already high confidence as you smirked at Nia. “If you’re soooo confident you can beat me one-on-one, then do it. Put your title on the line next week and let’s see how much of a ‘force’ you really are.”

“Oh, Y/N…” Nia mocked you, “it’s so adorable that you think you’re a threat to me and my title. That win you got last week, pinning me? Was pure luck.” Nia stepped to you, with little distance between you too as she glared down at you, “But unlike you, at least I don’t have to sleep with anyone to get my main event spots, I work hard for what I have. Do that first, then come talk to me.” That wasn’t in the fucking script, is she serious right now? Oh, if she wants to improv, best believe I can too. You swung without thinking twice, using the microphone in your hand to hit her on the side of the head. It was time for a fight. 

You and Nia took turns trying to go at each other, both of you countering the other until she blindsided you out of nowhere with a hit that made you see double for a second. You knew you were done after that, feeling blood trickle from a cut on your head created by her. She continued to attack you while you were down, the crowd booing with every hit she delivered. After your body had slumped in the center of the ring she grabbed you by your hair and pulled you up, showing your beaten and bloody face to the crowd and cameras. “This isn’t fantasy, Y/N, stop playing pretend with Roman and go back to catering where you fucking belong.” She threw your head back onto the mat and exited the ring as security and medical personnel rushed to the ring. You dragged your fatigued body out of the ring and backstage, refusing treatment from medical despite their protests. You walked into the locker room Joe and you now shared, while Joe was screaming at someone on the phone.

“Nick, are you fucking kidding me? There’s gotta be some form of punish- I don’t give a shit what the higher ups thought about it, she could’ve seriously injured Y/N, I-,” Joe paused, turning around and seeing you enter the locker room, “I gotta go. This conversation isn’t over.” Joe hung up on the GM and rushed over to you. “Baby, are you okay? Did she hurt you? Have you gotten looked at by-”

“No, Joe, and I’m not going to. Just please, drop it. I’m over it.”

“Well, I’m not. Why the fuck would she even say something like that? How would she have known about us?”

“I don’t fuckin’ know, Joe! Now leave it alone, seriously, I’m not in the goddamn mood.” You went silent, thinking about what you were going to do about Nia. You needed to do something different, something she would never see coming. Your priorities shifted completely after that segment, you now no longer wanted just the title. Your biggest priority, maybe even more than wanting the belt, was to beat the shit outta Nia Jax, no matter what it took.

“Babe, c’mon, you need to sit down. You’re gonna stress yourself into a heart attack if you don’t quit pacing around the room like that,” Joe was currently attempting to calm you down, you had been completely fine this past week you were training and promoting the match, but now that the show had officially started your overwhelming amount of confidence had completely vanished.

“Easy for you to say, title matches are second nature to you. Muscle memory. I  have never competed for a title before, I have every right to be freaking the fuck out right now, Joe,” you sighed. “It feels like everything just did a 180 degree turn, like I have so many eyes on me now and they all want me to beat Nia’s ass, and I just don’t know if I-”

“Hey, none of that. Y/N, look at me,” you slowly brought your head up to meet his eyes, the same ones that completely captivated your being just a couple weeks ago. “Whatever you’re about to say, don’t. That crowd out there knows exactly what you’re capable of, you know what you’re capable of, and I know what you’re capable of. I believe in you, baby, and if you can’t find it in you to believe in yourself then I’ll believe enough for the both of us. You got this, Y/N, I know you do.” Your heart melted at his words, the soothing and reassuring tone in his voice providing you some much needed comfort. 

“You still nervous, baby?” You nodded your head, looking down at your lap as he scooted closer to you on the couch. “I think I have an idea on how we can fix that. Do you trust me?”

“A-always, Joe.”

“Good girl.” He lifts your chin with his finger and passionately presses his lips to yours, resting his palm on the side of your face as you moan into the kiss. Your stomach flutters at his soft demeanor, feeling some of your nerves dissipate as his lips caress yours. He lays you down on the couch, hovering over you as he deepens the kiss. Breathless, he pulls away, leaning his forehead against yours and looking lovingly into your eyes. “You still feelin’ nervous, baby?”

“Y-yeah,” you breathed out, “a little less, but still pretty nervous.”

“I guess I’ll have to keep going then, don’t I?” His lips find their way back to yours, resting there for a moment before trailing along your jawbone and down your neck, leaving a few wet kisses at the base of your throat before continuing his path downward. Your breathing had picked up, and you were now looking down at him as his lips left a trail down your abdomen.

“A-are you sure we should… now? I mean, I have my match later and I-”

“Shhh, I promise I’ll be quick. Just wanna take care of you, help my baby out,” he muttered against your hip bone as he teased the lining of your ring gear you had been wearing. You sighed contently, leaning your head back against the arm of the couch and allowing yourself to relax into his touch. His fingers interlock in the lining of your bottoms as he looks up for you, asking for permission to remove them. You lift your hips off the couch, allowing him to slowly drag the material down your legs and throw them to the side. He snakes both hands up your legs, kneading the soft flesh of your thighs before splitting them apart and exposing you to him. Your body was so reactive to him- Joe loved how goosebumps would scatter across your skin at the brush of his lips or how your eyes would flutter closed and your eyebrows would scrunch together with just his touch, but most of all, he loved how how wet he made you without doing a thing to you. 

“Fuck, ma, always so ready for me,” you moaned loudly and bucked your hips, desperate for any sort of friction, “you gon’ have to be quiet for me, don’t want nobody to hear us, right baby?” You nodded and bit your lip, trying to hold in your cries and his fingers danced up the smooth skin of your inner thighs and through your folds, leaning down to make his face level with your core and presses a soft kiss on your clit before wrapping his lips around the swollen bud, nipping and sucking while he continues to drag his fingers along your slit before pushing a finger inside. His thrusts are slow, putting his focus on his mouth as he eats you with a burning intensity. His tongue works itself in ways that set your body on fire, the scruff of his beard along with it only adding to the sensation he’s giving you. The lip you’re biting to keep quiet is nearly drawing blood. You want to cry out, you want to moan his praises loud enough for the crowd inside the arena to hear, but you know you can’t so you continue to restrain yourself despite wanting to do the complete opposite.

He replaces his fingers with his tongue now, pumping it inside of you and using one to pin your hips down and the other to draw slow circles into your clit. This time you can’t help yourself; your clit is so sensitive that the second his fingers brushed it, you were done for. He pauses for a moment to remove his t-shirt he was wearing and you whine from the loss of contact, watching as he morphs the cotton material into a ball and hands it over to you, bringing his hand back down to your clit. “Bite down on this, since you can’t keep yourself quiet, I’ll make you.” You hesitate for a moment and look down at him, his features darkening and giving you a sly smirk before nodding his head. You bring the material to your lips before biting down on it, your senses being completely filled by Joe. He goes back to eating you as you moan into the cloth, the material successfully muffling your cries. Joe’s movements become more and more desperate, moving his tongue and fingers faster as he can sense you’re close. You can’t stop your moans now, saliva drooling from the corner of your mouth as you feel yourself getting closer to your release. Your legs begin to shake and Joe, noticing you were close, dives his head deeper into your pussy, trapping you with his mouth. Your eyes squeeze shut as you inhale, breathing in his scent and cologne you were using as a gag, triggering your own orgasm. You came on his tongue hard, shaking and moaning into the fabric of his shirt as he laps up your juices like an animal deprived of water. You even your breathing and throw his shirt back at him, the both of you laughing as he crawls on top of you.

“Oh, you wanna throw things at me do you? I might just have to teach you a le-”

Joe was interrupted by someone knocking on the door to his locker room. “Excuse me, Ms. Y/N? It’s almost time for your match, we need to head to Gorilla to finalize some things real quick.” You both sigh, him getting off of you as you put your bottoms back on in a rush. You make a run for the door to hurry and get to your position, but he grabs your arm to stop you. “You still feeling nervous?” You smiled at him and shook your head, going to thank him but getting cut off. “Good luck out there, baby. I’ll be waiting for you in Gorilla for you to show me that new title,” he kisses your cheek and you blush.

“Thank you, Joe, for everything. I mean it, I wouldn’t be doing this without you.” He gives you a soft smile and ushers you out the door, as you prepare yourself for possibly the biggest match of your entire career.

“Ughhh,” you groaned as Nia dragged you from the center of the ring to the corner, preparing to give you an Annihilator and win this match. From the jump Nia had punished you, much to the crowd’s distaste. It seemed like everybody in the arena had been behind you and you felt it, right up until the bell rang and she started throwing heavy combinations your way. You managed to sneak in a couple pieces of offense but none were convincing enough to give you any sort of edge. Nia got on the ropes, and performed the move. She remained seated on you, trying to get the pin. 1… 2… kick out. You pushed her off of you and sat on your heels, gripping your side. Jesus, my fuckin’ ribs. 

Finally to your feet, you unload on Nia as she laid on the ground. Kicks, punches, springboard moves, you threw the whole arsenal but each pin attempt gave a 1 or 2 count, and never close calls. You knew deep down you were going to have to do something completely insane to get this win, so you start stringing things together to get it done. You start by giving her a drop kick to send her to the outside, following her out, then throwing her into the steel steps. You dragged her by the hair to the announce table, laying her on it as you ran to the ring and climbed to the top rope. You made sure everyone near the table had cleared before crossing your heart and doing a senton, landing on Nia as the table and collapsing along with it. You could tell that Nia was nearly to the breaking point, so you mustered all the energy and strength you could to drag her back into the ring and climbed to the top rope once more. You hit your finisher, but wasn’t satisfied. You wanted no doubts, so you climbed up and hit it again, straddling her shoulders and hooking your arms around her legs. The arena was so loud you could barely hear the ref’s count. 1… 2… 3… ‘Here is your winner, and the NEW… WWE Women’s Champion… Y/N!’

You couldn’t even process what had just happened, all you wanted to do was get the hell out of that ring so you snatched the title from the ref and escaped. You slowed down when you made it to the stage, clutching the title in your arms and looking down at it with tears brimming your eyes. Your knees felt weak, and your heart was beating out of your chest. You did it. You triumphantly raised the title in the air, tears starting to fall as you smiled and took the moment in. After the cameras had cut and you had taken a few pictures with fans, you walked backstage only to be greeted with cheers. You made your way to everyone, getting pictures, hugs, and everything else in between before locking eyes with the man you wanted to see ever since your hand was raised. Joe. You practically ran to him, jumping into his arms and wrapping yours around his neck, hugging him tightly. He spun you around and smiled from ear to ear. 

“I’m so fuckin’ proud of you, baby. You had a helluva match out there, I knew you had it in you,” he kissed you sweetly right there, not caring who was watching as you grinned widely. “Now, let’s get you home,” he winked at you, setting you down before whispering low in your ear.

“We’ve got some more celebrating to do tonight.”

[germiyahu]

I think we shouldn't talk about Aaron Bushnell from here on out. I know everyone has their own hot takes about it, and there are plenty of posts that entice one to debate, many such cases of bait...

But don't give him what he wants. Let his name fade into obscurity.

Already the antizionist "activists" are hailing him as a martyr and a prominent leader of the "movement." People are going to remember his name over any individual Palestinian names. The Palestinians who've died will just be a lump sum, whereas Aaron Bushnell will always have a face and a name and a story. They're going to have him represent the ~victims of Zionist fascist genocidal Apartheid terror~ equally if not more so than Palestinians, who will be a nameless statistic beyond a few exceptions. The hashtag "restinpower" was trending when he was confirmed dead.

Do you know how disrespectful and disgusting that is? A white American man who worked for the United States military, an organization that has killed orders of magnitude more civilians in the Middle East, made himself the star of Palestinian Liberation. And he probably was aware that this could happen. But he wanted to be seen as a martyr, he wanted to be absolved of his sins. Nobody will ever dare criticize his career in the military now. No one will mention his hypocrisy as a settler on stolen native land who actively helped propagate the imperial hegemony of the United States.

He gets to be a "hero" to the Palestinians even though he's helped zero of them. What allyship had he worked toward in his life? He gets to be placed along side them as a fellow victim of the Jews Zionists. And they will use his face, name, and memory as a rallying cry.

Maybe someone on their side will make a similar point, not to get too carried away making a white man the face of "resistance" against the West and Israel and capitalism and all that. But I doubt it'll gain traction.

[whysamwhy123]

Huh. The first OrangeHook fic I wrote now has the most hits out of anything I've written in the last two years. Weird.

I guess you never really know which fics are gonna take off. But still, this is hard for me to wrap my head around. I figured nothing would ever overtake the previous top dog, since that was for a very popular pairing (at the time) and also I wrote it as part of a fandom event, so naturally it was gonna have a few more eyeballs on it than usual. For a rarepair fic, of a pairing that's almost completely dead (the 'almost' being there due to the tireless work of my good buddy Dah, single-handedly keeping the OrangeHook train a-rollin' in 2024 *blows a kiss*) to overtake that, and still be getting traction here and there after over a year, is kinda nuts.

I have a weird relationship with that fic, in general. When I posted it, I really wasn't happy with it. It has Problems, LOL. The more time that passes though, I've kinda warmed to it more and more. It still has those Problems, for sure, but it came together pretty good in the end, I think? Probably some of my best dialogue, at least. That fic was only supposed to be two scenes - the opening scene with Best Friends, and the Awkward Hotel Room Seduction Scene - but it kinda ballooned as I was writing it, and I kept adding more and more. I don't think I realised at the time that OrangeHook was gonna become My Pairing for a good while. But it certainly did.

I'm in a...weird place, at the moment, regarding writing. Well. I don't know if I'm even qualified to say that, because the short version is - I ain't writing no' mo'. Haven't finished a fic, or even written more than a couple words, in over two months. Considering I was averaging one fic a month since January 2023, that's a downgrade for sure. This definitely isn't one of my usual writing slumps. I have Ideas (Such Ideas!) but zero motivation to write any of them. This isn't fandom's fault, to be clear. I do feel very out-of-touch and like the fandom's passed me by, but that's just because I don't watch AEW anymore because *almost falls back into old habits and launches into one of my annoying hater rants that I used to do all the goddamn time before I realised how lame that was and made myself act my age for once* reasons, and so I'm not particularly interested/invested in any of the popular pairings these days. The only pairings I do care about are ones like OrangeHook - microscopically small rarepairs where it's literally just me and one other person, and that's it. As much as I adore those folks (Gato <3 Dah <3), it's hard to find motivation when you know there's no audience waiting for you. Makes you feel like there's no point, y'know? Doesn't help that all of my ideas these days are goofy, self-indulgent AUs or bizarre crackfics. Even if I could put pen to paper, so to speak, I wouldn't exactly be giving the people what they want, LOL.

After I failed to get my Halloween fic done (it was, predictably, a goofy, self-indulgent OrangeHook AU about Jim falling under the sway of Hook, who's an incubus. Y'all are welcome that I didn't put that out into the world, LOL), I kinda figured that I might be done with writing again. Before January of last year, I hadn't written a word in years. I gave up on writing after some Bad Stuff happened. It felt like a gift to be able to do it again, after so much time. Kinda sucks to think I might be back to just Not Being Able To Do It At All again. Kinda really sucks.

There is this one idea. I've had it rattling around in my brain for a long time. It actually started as a Hookhausen fic (remember them? Where does the time go?), but I ended up adapting it to be OrangeHook over time. I have a lot of scattered ideas for scenes, bits of dialogue, and a pretty strong sense of what The Point would be. I did toy with the idea of starting it a while back (or at least trying to) and making it my swansong for the fandom/my writing in general. One last self-indulgent rarepair fic that no one cares about, and then I could peace out. To draw a line under things, y'know? Tie a little bow on this whole writing experiment of mine and then move on to...I don't know. Something else. Nothing? *shrugs* But that fic would be a big undertaking, at least for me. Would probably take a long time. A lot of work. And I ain't exactly drowning in free time. Plus, the aforementioned not-having-written-a-word-in-ages thing. I don't know.

We'll see, I guess.

If you read all of this, first of all - I am so very sorry, LOL. Second, thank you. If you're someone who's read anything I've put out there in the last two years, thank you. From the bottom of my heart, thank you. There's been...a lot of ups and downs, but overall, I'm really glad that I was able to get back into this, even if it didn't last too long. I'm pretty proud of a lot of the fics I managed to write, and while I know I was never the most popular girl in school, I hope that some of my silly stories entertained you. Made you laugh, or distracted you from the awfulness of reality for a spell. God knows, that's what all of your fics, and this fandom in general, did for me. Y'all are so nice. Creative, supportive, funny. It's kinda comforting, knowing that the fandom is still going strong. You kids have fun! Maybe this is goodbye, or maybe I'll channel that wrestler mentality and have 'One more match!' and then I'll retire. Who knows? But regardless, I'm glad I got to do this. No regrets. Well, maybe some, LOL. But for the most part...yeah. Shit was fun, yo. I did the damn thing.

OK, I'll shut up now, I promise *awkwardly finger guns my way out of the room*

[kamari2038]

Alright, just finished Heavy Rain.

Who all has played this game???

Because I need to CHAT with someone about this game.

Also, now that I've played Heavy Rain I have come to realize that DBH is sort of a really good AU fanfiction of Heavy Rain 🤔

Like there are sooooooooooo many common elements even though the vibes are completely different. It's like some actual competent writers came in and were forced to keep all of DC's favorite parts but were like "we're making this better"

!!!(Spoilers Below)!!!

Dang, I kind of loved Scott, though his sexism unbearably pissed me off. I can't even tell you how little it even occurred to me that it could be him. Unlike the Alice twist, I thought this one was actually pretty neat though! Like I REALLY should have thought twice about this one, but I was so into playing him as this maximally nice guy, plus so thrown off by the Gordi Kramer nonsense, that I could not for the life of me figure out what was going on (seriously though, what's the deal with the Gordi Kramer crap?).

Why didn't Ethan die of the poison??? Why was he having blackouts?? What did he do during the blackouts??? Was it planned??? Was no one drugging anybody??? So Madison's nightmares were completely irrelevant to the plot???

I wanted them to KISS. I DID NOT WANT TO GET RAILROADED INSTANTLY INTO A FULL NIGHT OF SEX. HELLO??? The ending of them being together frankly made zero sense, but it was cute so I'll take it. Bad nonsensical dialogue and all (part and parcel with any DC game at this point).

Guys, I killed Norman 😭. I can't believe it. My table has no traction for my mouse, so I have this folder with a rough surface stacked on top of a notebook and their fight was so dang long that the folder fell off and I failed the QTEs and he got SLICED APART??? AND NOBODY CARED??? NOBODY EVEN CAME TO THE FUNERAL OR THOUGHT TWICE ABOUT HIM??? AAAAARRRGGGHHH. Honestly though. Okay but the part where he's became a ghost inhabiting Ari and haunting Blake was pretty awesome. And there's something so sad and poetic about him dying and nobody cares. I have to play through more to see if it really made a difference, but I guess it was good that he kept Shelby distracted? I want to believe that...

Edit:

Norman was also apparently supposed to have a tragic backstory with a dead gay lover who had helped invent his cool glasses? 😭 Why? Why didn't this get made? Sad.

[smackins]

Not to be THAT guy, but I really need to bare my soul here.

I don't know if I want to do Artfight anymore.

While I'm extremely grateful for the attacks I did receive this year (I still owe 2 revenge pieces, don't worry, I'm working on them ❤️) it's become less fun and more of a reminder of how isolated I feel as an artist. I got a total of five attacks this year. I have friends who were attacked right out of the gate, on the very first day, by a barrage folks who were chomping at the bit to draw their ocs.

It's not Artfight's fault, and not really other people's fault, either. I'm not like, "How dare you not attack me!!111!!" It's just it amplifies so many insecurities I've had for years and makes it hard to ignore them.

I get an overwhelming feeling like there's something wrong with me as an artist, not even that I'm medicocre skill wise (though I feel that, too), but that I'm just fundamentally uninteresting and forgettable. My characters and my stories aren't worth asking about. They aren't worth anyone's enthusiasm or curiosity, they're not worth the encouragement. I can share a piece that I spent 6 hours on and just get "cute" as a response, while others could share a non-serious doodle of their ocs that took 5 minutes tops and get responses like "AHHH I LOVE THEM THEYRE SO AMAZING YOURE SO FUNNY."

And I know it's not good to compare yourself to others, but sometimes it's hard not to when everywhere I go, it feels so blatantly obvious how I'm barely worth anyone's time.

At first I thought it was the fact I draw non-human characters, because those are hard for people, so I made a little note on Artfight that I'll accept humanized versions. But plenty of people draw nonhuman characters, all the time, and recieve lots of encouragement and feedback from other people. Then I thought, "maybe it's my original comic characters that intimidate people" you know, my weird scorpion aliens. But that's not it either, because they're admittedly a lot less "alien" than they could be, and I know people with some absolutely WILD speculative-biology-type character designs who, again, get loads of enthusiasm and feedback. Plus, that doesn't explain why my fan ocs go ignored- plenty of people like Digimon, Mass Effect, and DBZ.

I feel like I'm just weird and tainted and cursed somehow, which I KNOW is absurd, but that's the best way I can describe this frustration. And yeah, I know if I posted more art and more about my characters, I MIGHT get a little more traction, but when I get so little encouragement from so few people, it's so hard to feel motivated to share. And it's not like I'm looking for huge, detailed responses or specifics about why people like my technique or whatever, because God knows I struggle to form specific words as to why EXACTLY I like something, but I just want to feel like people give a damn and ACTUALLY want to know more. Very few people ask questions or get curious. I have a lore blog for my original comic that has been up for 7 whole years, yet the only questions or comments I get are from the same 2 or 3 (very lovely and appreciated) people. Most of those posts have zero notes, a ton of them have been reblogged to my personal blog over, and over, and over again and still get ignored.

This isn't about popularity, or notes, or anything like that. I just want to feel like what I put into the world matters. Yes, I do get satisfaction from drawing for myself, but that can only go so far when I feel like I'm the little kid in the corner playing alone because the other kids don't notice me.

[nathanielbuildsatesseract]

This is the sort of post that'll probably get me in trouble and I shouldn't trust y'all to behave with it, but I'm in a dismal state and willing to take high-risk moves in an attempt to improve things. Nobody uses Tumblr on Friday nights anymore so it's not like many of you will even see this.

Recently I realized that my experience of being long-term single feels a lot like my experience of being unemployed. I met all the basic qualifications for all sorts of positions but couldn't get an interview. As far as I could tell, I was qualified, just a little light on experience. I was applying to jobs literally every day for months and maybe every couple of weeks would get some sort of indication that my resume had been advanced before ultimately getting the rejection email. After graduation, I was unemployed for a full year and got four (4) interviews in that time, one of which was a follow-up interview for a job I didn't get. Finally I threw in the towel and went to grad school. Two years later, I got plenty of interviews and multiple offers. When the job I took didn't work out, I got an offer for an even better position in just a few weeks. It's hard to express the difference between those three job search experiences. I never even finished the degree!

My attempts at romance feel very similar to when I couldn't get an interview after undergrad. I might not be an amazing catch, but I think I'm more than qualified for a serious boyfriend role. And yet, even when I'm active on Bumble every day for weeks at a time, I'm doing well if I match with someone every couple of weeks. Usually they send their mandatory first message, I respond as appropriate and ask a question in return, and I don't get any sort of response. I assume they're getting plenty of matches with men more attractive and neurotypical than me, just as I assume engineering firms were flooded with resumes from students at better schools with higher GPAs. Believe it or not, that doesn't make me feel any better about getting zero traction for months on end.

Just as when I was trying to get a job, it ultimately feels like getting into a relationship is a matter fundamentally outside of my control, that I have no ability to influence. All I can do is wait and hope that something turns up despite mounting evidence that it never will. Getting to a first date feels like a Herculean task when even the women who explicitly said they were interested choose instead to ignore my attempts at conversation. Actually being in a relationship is starting to feel like pure fantasy.

Perhaps I'm looking for love in the wrong places; neither of the firms where I've worked full-time were places where I applied when I was unemployed after undergrad. Of course, trying to figure out where women who want to date a nerd like me might be is not exactly easy, just like trying to find new firms that have relevant openings isn't easy when you have a niche resume and interests. (Tumblr worked once and never again since for reasons that are basically inscrutable to me.) Ultimately, the way I found those positions was just being systematic in checking the careers webpage for every aerospace firm I heard about and putting openings in a giant spreadsheet. I'd apply to at least one position a day, and started getting interviews that eventually led to an offer.

But I think what actually made the difference was going to grad school. For the life of me, I can't figure out what the dating equivalent of an MS would be. The only thing approaching a real suggestion that I've heard is Vibe Camp. Beyond the logistical nightmares I hear about every year, I'm very skeptical that something like that would meaningfully increase my odds of getting a girlfriend. I've been to special interest conventions (with better ratios) before and there doesn't seem to be any romantic value—immediate or long-term—to the experience. So as far as I can tell, I'm just stuck until I luck into meeting my wife randomly.

[atopvisenyashill]

Pol!jon anon again I was thinking more of the version of pol!jon where he like forces an abortion on her and reveals that he loved Sansa all along. When I watched the show I was thinking he was attracted to Dany and wanted to be with her initially but grew more and more fearful of her and eventually did not want to be with her. So he wasn’t manipulating when the relationship started, but staying in it was a scheme. Imagine my shock when I read the script for the finale and it said that Jon loved her even after she burned KL. Bad writing and bad chemistry between actors. I can definitely imagine Jon remaining in a relationship for safety and politics as a defensive play, but the offensive angle of pol!Jon in which he initiates the relationship with no feelings or desire with the intention of killing her feels wrong especially if a forced abortion is involved

Okay I’m gonna go point by point here just for organization sake.

Pol!jon anon again I was thinking more of the version of pol!jon where he like forces an abortion on her and reveals that he loved Sansa all along.

Oh no lmao, I forgot about all the baby theories for s7 and 8 😭😭 No, I don’t think what MMD says is a prophecy at all, I think people focus on the WRONG things out of that whole scene, and while I think george is clearly cooking something re: dany’s fertility, that’s gonna be something so central to the story i don’t think anyone is gonna guess it 100% right so everyone’s guesses are weird as FUCK on this subject. but also not for nothing, i’m fairly sure the moontea theory was like one (1) person and then everyone just kept going “wow so ALL pol!jon people think he’s gonna force an abortion on dany they’re so evil” no, actually most people who thought pol jon might be real didn’t think for a second that boat baby was real lmao. it was just like a “making up a guy to get mad at” theory that got traction bc of the ship war.

i DID see some people theorize he might tell dany he’s in love with sansa but like thee Moment he had zero reaction to finding out he was Rhaegar’s child was thee MOMENT i knew we were not getting a single satisfying jon snow scene again and that whatever it is that happens in the books for him clearly went RIGHT THE FUCK OVER dumb & dumber’s heads 😭😭😭 so like, yeah i just didn’t think anything at all even a lil but juicy was gonna happen and what do you know i was pretty much correvt akskkd

i DO think there’s a high chance that threatening sansa is the most pressing reason for why jon & arya would attempt to kill her and i’ve definitely played with some gruesome theories just based on lines that i thought could be hinting at what they do but i don’t think there’s going to be any moontea drinking, forced or otherwise, involved. i certainly HOPE she’s not pregnant when/if she dies because i fucjing. hate that shit. but idk.

When I watched the show I was thinking he was attracted to Dany and wanted to be with her initially but grew more and more fearful of her and eventually did not want to be with her. So he wasn’t manipulating when the relationship started, but staying in it was a scheme.

Yeah I think that also makes sense and could plausibly happen in the books - I mean that’s basically what I kinda imagine in my head, that Jon may be fascinated with Dany initially bc she’s a Targaryen & dragon rider then turn on her but only in secret, just, without the sex lmao. I just personally did NOT see the chemistry and I remember when they made that “oh you got a lil crush Jon Snow?” comment in the show and i was flabbergasted and when they banged I was actively cringing and I thought maybe it was just my aversion to them as a ship but then everyone online was like “but they’re so cute in interviews what’s happening??!” aksjd. so i think like many people i was hoping there was a deeper reason he seemed so disinterested, like even completely putting aside the shipping aspects, i thought jon seducing dany so he could get a dragon made a sort of sense with his character. he’s certainly willing to play nice with stannis for help, and this would be a much more morally murky but logical next step. but i had zero faith in the writers, so i DID just assume it was going to be (the much more boring route imo) that he did initially love her, realized she’s too dangerous, but stayed in a relationship with her to get her support.

Imagine my shock when I read the script for the finale and it said that Jon loved her even after she burned KL. Bad writing and bad chemistry between actors.

LISTEN. The conspiracy theory HOLES i went down after that fucking finale. i was just like. there’s no way they wrote an ending THIS BAD. there’s NO FUCKING WAY. and then we get the script and it was WORSE???? he was really just snowed by her THE WHOLE TIME???????

i guess apparently being hot is NOT enough to compensate, we need ACTORS for chemistry okay, at least ONE PERSON needs to be able to emote to sell a love story lmaooo

I can definitely imagine Jon remaining in a relationship for safety and politics as a defensive play, but the offensive angle of pol!Jon in which he initiates the relationship with no feelings or desire with the intention of killing her feels wrong especially if a forced abortion is involved.

Yeah that was basically what I was getting at and why I made the Ygritte comparison - he has sex with Ygritte while actively plotting to betray her in a very personal way so I don’t think it’s a reach to say he could something similar again. I can also see it stretching into like, Jon makes the decision he has to kill her/help kill her but he hasn’t broken things off bc like, KL exploded and he’s busy rn or whatever. So certainly still offensive in that he’s actively manipulating her for his own ends and unlike with Ygritte, he doesn’t even return her feelings in any genuine way. VS like the completely defensive “he falls in love, realizes she’s too far gone, THEN betrays her” take. But starting a relationship with her with the express intent of murdering her and forcing an abortion on her if she gets with child? With everything we know about Jon Snow as he stands, that one is a reach. That could change in the future I suppose but I personally don’t see it likely to happen that way.

[orionsangel86]

Sincere question, your response to the like-scolding post doesn't make sense to me. I already reblog often, so I don't need convincing, but I also don't feel the need to convince others to and don't understand when people do.

If a blog was empty, you weren't going to follow them anyway. They have zero impact on your dash.

I don't understand why following the tags, following blogs that make stuff in the tags, using tumblr's orbit thing or blog suggestions wouldn't be anymore sufficient than asking strangers that may not even care who follows them to make your personal dashboard more interesting.

I was hesitant to answer this, because I try not to get too involved in general tumblr discourse and I already have had a few passive aggressive remarks about my response to that post. I don't wanna open myself up to hate here so please know that this is just my opinion at the end of the day. I am one person and I have been on tumblr a long time and my reasonings for all of this is simply that I love this stupid website and want it to thrive.

Let me start by clarifying that I have nothing against likes! Likes are great! Likes are exactly what it says on the tin - a way to tell someone that you like their post. So I didn't have an issue with the sentiment of the original post that likes are not meaningless and are instead a way to tell people that you like their stuff! That's great!

But your reasoning here is flawed because of how tumblr works. No matter how many likes someones post gets, if no one reblogs it it will dissapear into a void. Tumblrs tagging system is not great. Tumblr's "in your orbit" section is something that most people ignore and do not use. The userbase on tumblr finds posts by following blogs and relying on the blogs they follow to reblog posts. The posts that circulate far and wide on tumblr are posts that are reblogged by users. Posts that have plenty of likes do not help a post gain any extra traction or help spread it to those that may be interested in it. Posts that are just liked and not reblogged do not get circulated and will get forgotten about and never find their audience.

This isn't about lurker types who never reblog anything and therefore won't ever get followers (nothing against lurkers!), its about this strange mentality nowadays which tumblr never used to have which is that people seem to be more particular about the kind of posts they'll reblog. People seem more hesitant to reblog long posts, or writing posts, or anything that doesn't immediately grab their attention. There is an expectation that for a post to be reblogged it has to be of a higher quality that a post that you may reward a simple like.

I think it is heavily tied to cringe culture. There is a mentality that your blog should be heavily curated and therefore you should only reblog the highest of quality which you feel is worthy for your own blog - rather than just reblogging anything that you may like or find fun or interesting. It is very much an instagram mentality and its been creeping into tumblr over several years - and because of it, fandoms are dying, its far more difficult to find fandom content, and it is becoming much harder to engage and build community. People are hesitant to add comments onto reblogs nowadays - when back in the day that was kinda how tumblr worked! You reblogged with commentary and thats how legendary tumblr shitposts were born! That's how Supernatural fandom "always has a gif for that" started! Because back in 2014 people didn't care about what others on tumblr thought about their blogs, because their blogs were all about the fun, about committing to the bit, about engaging with each other and adding commentary and additions, and speculating about your favourite shows on long posts where you could have an entire community of meta writers each adding a bit of their own analysis so you ended up with a huge post that was absolutely mind blowing. That's how artists on tumblr could have thousands and thousands of notes and gain huge popularity and be able to make a living based on their fanart.

I miss it so. fucking. much.

This place is a graveyard sometimes. Even among my current fandom. I will post something and ask that people add commentary. I will state quite plainly for people to please engage and add their thoughts, let me know your opinions! There are no wrong answers! Lets joke, make fun of the characters we love, write dumb little thoughts and headcanons and engage with them via reblogs, add reaction gifs and images with speech bubbles and just soak up the joy that can be found in engaging with fandom in this way - and stop being scared that your reblogs will be judged by some external source, that you will somehow lose followers or make OP hate you if you dare to add a comment to their post (in which case OP can go fuck themselves as far as I'm concerned because I ADORE comments and additions on MY posts). Just ENGAGE. Because a like, whilst appreciated, is literally the bare minimum, and if all we are doing on this site is the bare minimum, then what is the fucking point anymore? If there is no real engagement and community, if you aren't interesting in actually talking to each other and sharing posts among each other and just interacting with each other, then tumblr will die. I find that so fucking depressing. So yeah, I had a bit of a moan on that post, because I don't think y'all newbies understand how good it used to be here. Quit with the instagram mentality and start actually engaging. Because if y'all actually listened and started doing that, you'll bring this place to life again, and find so much more joy in it.

[noodleblade]

Chance and Unlikely Circumstance 1/6

AO3 Link Next Part

A very self indulgent fic of these two being friends despite faction ties. I just like the idea of Smokescreen having a bit of hero worship over KO.:) uhhhh Enjoy?

Smokescreen knew he was probably disobeying orders but, in all fairness, he was bored . How much danger could a completely deserted open stretch of asphalt really be? He knew that line of question was asking for trouble, but it was the eighth dull patrol run he’d been sent on with no activity. He felt it was safe to assume the risk of danger was resting at the predictable zero percentile. 

See, Ratchet , Smokescreen thought bitterly, I do use my processor.

When he had joined the Autobots and Team Prime, a not so small part of him thought “this is my moment.” He had been hoping for it, counting on it ever since he was hand selected for the Elite Guard. He was destined for greatness…one day! It just hadn’t come yet, but surely now a member of Team Prime, his moment would come. Smokescreen had thought he was finally going to get a taste of the action, to be able to throw himself helm first into the fight. 

He hadn’t considered the fact that their numbers were so few on this organic planet and anonymity amongst the native species was crucial. He hadn’t realized how vulnerable their position was, how necessary discretion was. Still, he was willing to play by their rules and learn…or at least try.

Ratchet had not been happy with his selected vehicle mode. “Flashy racers,” the medic had grumbled as he scanned the alt for his database. Smokescreen would have been offended if the medic actually had taste. 

What was actually offensive was the medic’s insistence that he not use his alt for its intended purpose unless strictly necessary; something about speed limits and law enforcement. Why let the gage go that high if he wasn’t allowed to actually push it there? Smokescreen was finding that he was never going to understand the organics of this planet and their contradicting rules. Why make something if there was never an intention to use it for such a purpose?

Bee at least sympathized, knew the urge he felt to spin his wheels as fast as they could. He offered to spar instead, it just wasn’t the same. But Smokescreen ducked his helm and played along. His entry to the team hadn’t been as smooth and welcoming as he had hoped and he didn’t want to ruin his chance to be a part of something great, to help get their home back.

It didn’t mean temptation wasn’t there and patrols were the worst source. Alone on the road with no one around, Smokescreen could feel his resistance wane. 

One quick joyride couldn’t hurt, right? There was no one around, hadn’t been since the start of his patrol. He’d clock 120 in a matter of nanokliks and then he’d hit the brakes and no one, Autobot or human, would be the wiser! It was his best chance to burn off a little energy with almost no repercussions and the threat of being caught was basically non-existent. 

Smokescreen swept the area twice more for bots and humans, both visually and with his adaptive scanners. The most readings he got were the teeny-tiny furry ball creatures Jack called desert mice and they certainly weren’t going to rat him out. He grinned at his pun, knowing Jack would find it funny. Immediately, his grin dropped in realizing he’d have to keep that one to himself if he wanted to keep in good graces with the rest of the team. 

His reasons for holding back dwindled to nothing and Smokescreen tuned out Ratchet’s whiny voice from his processor. 5 kliks, that’s all it would be. No harm, no foul and no one had to know.

He floored the gas pedal. His wheels squeaked, struggling to grip the sandy road for a moment before the traction caught and he was off. The flat, straight road left no resistance, letting Smokescreen gain speed quickly. Internally, he was cheering; his field wide and giddy as his speedometer ticked past the double digits and toy with the triples. The dry, chilled desert air whipped past mirrors, whistling along his spoiler. His spark soared. 

Of course , that’s when his scanners picked up another presence. Great .

Twin headlights appeared in his rear view. Smokescreen hastily slammed his brakes to a more acceptable level, sending a quick prayer to Primus that it wasn’t one of those police officers Ratchet had hounded him about. He had received an audial full and was haunted by mental images of “the boot .” Miko had promised she’d bail him out if he ever got impounded but the very notion of being stuck in his alt and unable to move sounded like a hell worse than offlining. 

The headlights were approaching…quickly. They were gaining on him, especially now that Smokescreen had slowed himself to the appropriate speed, even going 5 miles slower than the speed limit to be safe. It was clear whoever was behind him was going much, much faster than the sensible 55 mph. He pulled himself to the right lane to allow them to pass ( yes, he had been paying attention to Jack’s driving lessons!!!). 

They didn’t look like police; glossy red finish with gold accents, not at all the matte white and blue he’d seen of the police vehicles of Jasper. Even the vehicle type was different, lower to the ground, more streamline…speedy. It was missing the obnoxious overhead lights too, though Ratchet had insisted that was not a sure-fire way to identify the local law enforcement. Perhaps they were just civilian humans on a joyride. That, at least, Smokescreen could approve of. Especially with a sweet ride like that.

The vehicle pulled up beside him, lowering their speed to match. The windows were tinted and Smokescreen couldn’t tell how many humans were inside. His alt only accounted for 5 which seemed typical but Jack had told him about some humans that liked to pile double the amount in even if it went against the safety guidelines. 

The engine revved and the humans flashed their headlights in a taunting gesture. Smokescreen couldn’t help but grin to himself. Organic or not, Smokescreen knew that universal request to race. 

Gleefully, he let his engine rev back, speeding up a touch before pulling back to their synced pace. Ratchet’s warnings fell to the back of his processor, a gentle whisper that easily was drowned out by the sound of twin revving engines. The red vehicles headlights flashed twice and that was all the warning Smokescreen got as it sped off. Smokescreen, left in their dust, could hear a mocking double beep of their horn, laughing at him. 

Cheater!

Well, two could play at that game. 

Smokescreen floored it, chasing after the red vehicle. The humans straddled the middle lane, making it impossible for Smokescreen to pass as he caught up. Mockingly, the humans tapped on their breaks, forcing Smokescreen to slow as they resumed their breakneck pace. They did this a couple of times, each time Smokescreen felt himself getting more and more frustrated. Maybe he should stop brake checking the citizens of Jasper, it was annoying. He pulled back a few feet, allowing some space between him and the humans blocking his path. 

Stuck behind them, Smokescreen eyed the emergency pull lanes. They were crumbled with red sand and debris littering it. He’d probably do more damage to himself than have an actual hope of successfully passing. Still, he weaved as if that were his plan, the red car before him following to block him. Quickly, he spun his wheel in the opposite direction, gunning it for the opening left. He managed to pull alongside, the humans just barely stopping themselves from clipping him as they attempted to swerve back into the middle. Smokescreen had to guess they paid a pretty penny for a car like that, not to mention the maintenance. For drag racing in the desert, the finish was immaculate. 

Smokescreen was astonished by the humans’ skills. For a few kliks, they stayed neck to neck, neither of them quite able to pull the lead from the other. Despite this, Smokescreen felt exhilarated. This was exactly what he needed. Already, the tension was leaving his frame, stress melting away as adrenaline took its place and for the first time since he crash landed on Earth, he was having fun .

A slight curve in the road was approaching and Smokescreen cursed to himself. It was curving to the left, forcing him in the inner lane. It would mean his opponent would be able to maintain a faster speed to still make the turn but Smokescreen would have to slow down, even just a few degrees. He wasn’t exactly sure when they would call for the “finish line” but Smokescreen knew he couldn’t risk putting even a few feet of distance between them. 

Recklessly, Smokescreen sped up , pushing himself faster than before as the red racer slowed to safely make the turn. Hopefully, if he timed it right, he would be able to pull ahead and then cut the brakes to make the turn safely. 

Unfortunately, the turn was approaching too quickly. He could get in front of the other vehicle but slowing down would be dangerous. Smokescreen knew he’d be fine. Ratchet would be pissed but ultimately, the damage to his frame would probably be quite minimal and could be repaired with ease. 

The humans were a different story. 

As part of his education , Ratchet had forced him to watch through an hour of human traffic accidents. It hadn’t been pretty. Car frames and Cybertronian frames were completely different and the metal of Earth was very thin and very fragile. Smokescreen could still remember the horrible crunch of the video as the cars crumbled like tin. Not to mention, human bodies were even more fragile and even if the crashes weren’t fatal, the injuries themselves could be grave enough to affect a human for their entire lifespan. 

He couldn’t risk that to the humans behind him. No just for his purposes of staying disguised and not causing trouble, but all he could picture of Jack, Miko and Raf in the car, crushed up, broken beyond repair. 

Smokescreen hit the brakes hard, the loose sand on the pavement making him lose traction and skid for a second before he regained control. The humans in the red car had no issue, overtaking him on the turn and zipping past him. As much as he hated losing the distance and knowing he probably couldn’t pick it back up, he knew this was the best decision. Everyone would be safe and Smokescreen could withstand a bruised ego, despite what Arcee might think. 

Ahead of him, Smokescreen watched the humans slow suddenly. Their brake lights flared brilliant red as they drifted, spinning 90 degrees until they came perpendicular on the road. Beside them, planted in the dirt was a green sign, making the Jasper City limits and unofficially marking the finish line.

Smokescreen pulled himself to a slow stop. With the humans blocking his path, he would have to wait for them to move before he could make an exit. Internally, he groaned. If they were anything like him and Jack when they pulled their little stunts around Jasper, then he knew they were going to be smug afts about it.

The windows of the red vehicle went down an inch, not enough for Smokescreen to catch a glimpse of who was in the car but low enough for their voice to carry. 

“Nice try, kiddo,” the human practically purred in self-satisfaction. “ Try being the operative word. I’d say you almost had me worried at that turn but you chickened out. Quite sad really, you might have had potential but-”

Irritation blinded Smokescreen. It was trash talk- trash talk by humans no less -and he knew it should affect him. And yet it did. 

“You only beat me because you cheated!” Smokescreen snapped, revving his engine threateningly. “Round two you won’t be so lucky.”

There was a pause from the human and Smokescreen for a moment grinned victoriously. That was, until, the human let out a bemused, “Oh my.” Then, he raised and lowered his window in a demonstrative measure.

Smokescreen realized his grave error immediately. His windows, unlike the humans in their car before, were still rolled up tight. Smokescreen may not completely understand humans, but he was pretty sure none of them had the ability to talk through a car’s closed windows. 

Fear gripped his spark as panic flooded his systems. He screwed up and he screwed up bad . Without a second thought, Smokescreen put himself in reverse and floored it, spinning around and taking off.

If the humans in the red car responded, he didn’t hear them over the wind whipping against his frame and his inner panic screaming in his audials. They didn’t follow and Smokescreen took it as a small blessing in this horrible scenario crafted from his own hubris. All he could do was pray that no one at base found out, that the human in the red car would think he was just a figment of their imagination and nothing more. 

Knock Out watched bemused as the little speedster scrambled away.

Young, dumb, and rebellious. Reminded him a bit of himself in his younger days, though not with such a tacky paint job. There was little doubt in the medic’s mind that the kid had aligned himself with the Autobots. There was no way he would have survived too long otherwise; too naive, too trusting. Knock Out knew he probably should report it, alert Megatron of Optimus’ newest recruit. It’d certainly earn him some brownie points and with Breakdown…absent, Knock Out was in need of some allies. 

Then again- Knock Out narrowed his optics at the fading tail lights -it had been a long time since he had a racing buddy. Maybe he could wait on that report for a bit, let himself have a bit of fun before passing him up to high command. 

Knock Out slowly pulled away from his parked spot, turning the opposite way the kid sped off too. He should be returning back, before his absence was noted. Not that it matters , he thought bitterly as he peeled off. If it was the grounders missing, then there was no reason to worry. Afterall, Breakdown had been missing for nearly two weeks and not a single mech aboard the Nemesis had even bothered to question why.

[bugbyte]

Agree. All of this is true. I would have believed there were more resources for support until I needed them, and now I know they don’t exist in a way that’s actually accessible to most people. I have had to fight, make copies, make faxes, do research, get documents, and I cannot imagine having to do all that while also coping with any kind of mental impairment or language barrier, let alone not having a computer or smartphone. Yes, libraries exist, but not everyone can get there all the time, especially not on the fraught timeframe you’re often given for returning these things.

I have to argue regularly that I am in fact disabled and in a wheelchair and can barely keep up with the job I designed for myself doing art, structured around my abilities, so how on earth could I possibly go to a “workfare” job to do physical slave labor for nothing?

I have to get “re-certified” every 6 months which involves a lot of humiliating questions (which have already been answered both in the application and in previous interviews, like whether I graduated high school. Yeah…many years ago…I can’t exactly ungraduate, can I?) and which can happen at random even though I’m mailed an appointment date and time for the call. It never happens as scheduled. The worker calls when they feel like it, even if this means I lose my snap and health insurance benefits because of it. This has actually happened more than once.

Losing insurance loses access to doctors appointments that I need to maintain any kind of function in my body. If you’ve tried making any kind of medical appointment in the past couple of years, you know they can often be booking months out. Having to reschedule an appointment due to someone else’s carelessness makes me even less able to do the things they want me to do to keep getting snap and ebt. And there is zero accountability for the worker in question; it’s just a thing that happens, and too bad so sad if it happens to you.

All of this for an amount of cash which barely covers car insurance and the phone bill. It could never cover that and rent. But if I work too much, or make too much money, it will be taken away and I’ll have even less. I am lucky to be with family for now but otherwise I would be 100% homeless, and wouldn’t even be eligible for any of this without a physical address.

The system doesn’t work. I have no idea how I will ever get out of this. I have wild ideas like running a gofundme, but I know it wouldn’t get any traction and wouldn’t help.

There is no help. Not real help.

[talenlee]

2024 Wrapup!

At the start of the year I pitched a specific idea; I wanted to make what I made with purpose and I didn’t want to flatten what I did by describing it as ‘content.‘ I promised, essentially, to write with purpose, and without considering whatever I was producing as generic. Every article (aside from the t-shirt design articles) was going to be a thousand words or more, and I had limits on genres of post.

Now, this is largely going to be a list of articles I’m very happy with this year and why, reviewing my own writing, and there are going to be a lot of links. If you’re already familiar with the blog, and if you’re familiar with the category and tag system, those will help you navigate through these articles and find them on your own. What I’m doing this time is looking at the broad categories of writing I did this year and directing you to check out articles in that space you might have missed, and what I think of how good a job I did.

Basically, right now, you might be broke and bored. Here’s some stuff you might enjoy reading that will cost you nothing, thanks to my wonderful patrons giving a buck or two a month.

Some stuff that’s not in contention: By default, Story and Game Pile aren’t here because I cover those in other posts. The posts about the month starts and wrapups aren’t in, either. I didn’t include any of the monthly posts summarising my Magic: The Gathering set material, because that’s basically a special interest (and we’ll talk more about it next year).

D&D 3e

First of all, here’s the tag for just browsing this kind of article. Dungeons & Dragons 3rd edition is an edition of the game I had a lot of experience in, and own a lot of books for, which means that any time I want to think about old game design and TTRPG experience, I can just go grab an old book and flip it open, then answer any questions the resulting page asks me.

Monk Attacks — If you understand what monks were doing in 3e, you could easily tell the way the mechanic wanted to work, but there was zero way for the game rules to explain it. Just say monks iterate on 4!

The Love Potion — I examine an omnipresent fantasy trope item that is bad, but also, the way that 3rd edition included it in a way that was also obviously bad.

Sticks and Stones — An examination of the standardisation of psychic powers and the resultant expansion of what those powers could do.

Objection to Formula — A reflection how I’ve been making new game material for the games I play for thirty years, starting back when I was a child sharing magical items to Usenet.

The Missing Step — A conversation about how Wizard Prestige Classes are so unbalanced that there’s no way to balance them without making them all immediately worthless.

The PHB At The Pride Parade — I mean this is basically just fanfiction of the characters. I think this is a great example of an article that would be uplifted by the addition of character art but there’s no way to get the art necessary on my schedule at my costs without basically opting into Generative Slop art.

Psychofeedback — I relate one of my favourite stories of older mechanics from the history of the game, which also ties into a time when I remember getting a book errata’d personally.

Eberron is A World Of Locks — A chat about the way that rising technology in a world creates diversity in the kinds of villains you’re able to have, all told through the lens of Eberron’s relationship to ‘Disable Device.’

Winners and Losers In Lawful Space — Probably the most popular article I wrote this year, comparing the Modrons (perfect weird little guys) to the Inevitables (the world’s narcs). This article has some errors (I did not know that Modrons were from 1e!), but it still caught traction in tumblr and it was cool watching people react to it. This is probably the best article in this group this year and I recommend it.

Kythons — An article about the horror bug crabs that were introduced in the Book of Vile Darkness, which serve as a sort of idealised horror ‘animal’ for players to fight.

The Nemuranai System — Finally, probably the best single mechanical system in 3e’s supplementary material that was introduced to address the looting problem that didn’t fit with a particular genre, as imagined by people who weren’t experts in that genre.

D&D 4e

Again, here’s a tag to browse these articles and further. D&D 4th edition is my weapon of choice when I want to play a dungeon crawler with tactical combat and highly structural character building.

Iron Hearts And Minds — An examination of heritages that are popular amongst players, but don’t necessarily have a place in my D&D campaigns for reasons of legality (the Warforged), power (the minotaur) or boringness (eat poop, gith).

Backgrounds Are Weird — I talk about the way the background system ‘works’ and the way that it’s just not clearly written anywhere in a convenient core part of the books.

4e For Two —What if you want to play 4th edition but don’t have a lot of people to play with? Well, here’s a way to approach it as a two-player game.

Many Hands Make Fight Work — A conversation about the term ‘action economy’ that serves as the underpinning design framework for how 4th edition tried to fix certain fundamental problems that 3rd edition introduced accidentally.

Why Is Druid? — An article explaining the lineage of the Druid from 2e through to 4e as I experienced it. This is especially illuminated by the contribution from Claire about interesting rules wrinkles introduced by the half-assing of Druid healer abilities. This is the best article of this type this year and I recommend it for its own sake.

Having A (Weapon) Type — Know how the weapon system in 4th ed works? You do? Then read this article and giggle at my funny jokes.

The Cultures Of Gender — In Pride Month I tried to investigate if there were any D&D heritages that didn’t have a strict and specific conception of a gender binary. I found more than I expected but fewer than I should have.

The Blackguard Sucks — Somehow this one got popular on Reddit? I don’t know what happened to that, but it was very cool to see people discussing my writing. In this case it’s about one of the worst striker classes available in the game that, by existing, kinda accidentally makes its competition better.

The Power Of Trickery (in 4e D&D) — There are some ideas that have no application to any other articles I make for 4th edition D&D. Normally I can find a place in the How To Be series to show off interesting mechanical wrinkles, but I cannot imagine a holy character with a chain weapon and a sense of trickery to work with here oh wait why didn’t I think of the Belmonts.

Spooky Heritages — I took some time to look at 4th edition options for playing something monstery and what problems they did or didn’t have.

I Like the Ardent — And finally, my last major article about 4th edition D&D was a consideration of one of my favourite classes in a category of favourite classes. I love 4e Leaders, and I love the things they enable. The Ardent combines things I love! The psychic power point system, melee character support, physical violence, risk!

World-Building As A Practice

Here’s the tag to look at this list of articles from this year and earlier. The nature of worldbuilding writing is that sometimes there are articles about something in Cobrin’Seil (my D&D setting) that still is a principle I think can be generalised.

In terms of big, world-wide systems, I wrote about how you structure the Planar Cosmology, and what those different models let you do, and the potential pitfalls they have. There’s also the idea of Number Systems and the way Language Structures Power In The Community. Of course, if we’re talking about power, there are multiple ways to structure that, such as Whiteness, and Competing Magical Theories. I wrote a treatment on the question of how you determine truth usefully, or rather, what is truth (in game worldbuilding)? Finally, I suppose, no getting around it, I really liked my article about the power to consume, and the question of whether or not it’s okay to eat people, and if so, Who Can You Eat?

But more grounded elements, like, setting specifics? I wrote about a Useful Template For Street Food, because I think every culture everywhere is going to make food that they can easily have and exchange. I asked the question does Your World Have A Pride Parade? and about the somewhat depressing question of what can cause Pride, since Pride is explicitly a response to a system of abuse. There’s also a piece about widely distributed ‘small’ magic cites in cities, titled I Just Think Mr Minit’s A Wizard which makes sense if you know Mr Minit’s a business in Australia in almost every mall that does stuff like shoe repair, key cutting, and fixing watches. I also wrote about Lanes in Space, the effect that spacelanes generate and what you can use them for, which puts them on the same level as Marriage.

Oh! And also, communication speed is important, and it changes the world. Consider the impact then of the Speed of Words.

Exploring the World of Cobrin’Seil

I do generic, abstracted world-building material, in the context of ‘here’s a way to think about what your setting is doing’ but the thing is, what I really want to do, what I really feel like I have the most fun doing is talking about my Dungeons & Dragons setting, Cobrin’Seil, a world I made up when I was a kid because I figured that if I had my own world to work with nobody could tell me I was doing it wrong. Since then I have also become a big weirdo about how game worlds should work and the world of Cobrin’Seil betrays all the thumbprints of things I care about!

This year saw the codifying of some locations to solve some problems. I’ve written about necrostates in the past, and this year I wrote about Hecsenfore, (Part 2, Part 3). It’s a city ruled over by a vampire whose Special Interest is running a city well, because how hard could it be to run a city well? Duh? I also wrote about the Wizard University of Laewaes, two of the six provinces of Dal Raeda, and the blasted ruins of the former nation now known just as Selpera.

While talking about places, I did talk about the extremely big idea that the Blood War and Hell’s self-represented image of a war of equal ideologies was perhaps, not actually true and maybe a culture of liars weren’t telling the truth. This is part of a kind of ongoing consideration of ‘villainy’ in the cultures of Cobrin’Seil, like reflecting on the idea of ‘evil ogres,’ the missing history of the Tiefling Empire, and most of all, the way that corporations manufactured their own version of a Warlock Patron.

The people of Cobrin’Seil are all meant to be very material even if they don’t exist because of very material causes. That’s how the weird history of the Aarakocra wound up happening, and their cousin species the Harpies. That involves learning about the undercurrent of what the fey realms are like and what models of reality represent it, which wound up being a full three parter (1, 2, 3).

Finally, and the topic in Cobrin’Seil I found myself most excited to write about: Drugs and how they’re regulated.

Pokemon

Pokemon is, after Magic: The Gathering probably one of the most complicated games I’ve ever played and also love. This year I wrote some articles about the game and the game’s surrounding cultural material.

Like, sure, the Speed stat is really important in Pokemon, that’s about the mechanics of the competitive game. The Pokemon Who Have Never Been Legal is also about the things that don’t even exist in the competitive space. The story of Flygon Isn’t Gunna Happen, People is also a story of competitive play, where a Pokemon got caught in the explosion of another Pokemon.

But there’s also the conversation around worldbuilding in Pokemon. For example, there’s the way that Paradox Pokemon represent a new kind of prehistory of the world. That means questions of like How do Pokemon Breed? or that Pokemon Choose Expressive Identities (To F*ck). While we’re talking about breeding and fucking, what about clothes, where Finding Pokemon That Wear Pants was at issue, and then who was wearing the pants and who was wearing a dress in the context of Crossdressing In Pokemon. Once you have dresses you can have pockets and I can work out which Pokemon are interested in emptying those pockets by Stealing Your Money. Maybe they’ll even Act Spooky while they do it.

Finally, I try and address the question Well What if I Was In Charge Of Pokemon If I’m So Bloody Smart?

Transformers

Sometime this year, an old friend got into contact with me, and wound up checking out the blog. One thing they mentioned, which was pretty funny in hindsight was that they didn’t know I was such a fan of Transformers. Which, just to be clear, I’m kind of not? But I do write about them, and Transformers is such a wonderfully deep canyon of nonsense, just this enduring leviathan of middle-grade Media Culture that there’s always something cool to elevate or something dumb to tease and sometimes you can just have fun gawking.

Anyway, I tried to grapple with some questions in Transformers that could be interesting to investigate. My favourite article of the whole year, for example, which was about what Transformer was the fastest one, based on things we can track and observe rather than just ‘they can travel from planet to planet fast.’ I also dug into the semiotics of Starscream and what kind of queer representation he is, and the nonsense consideration of the ‘guns’ they carry. There’s also the idea of Naming Rights and how there are sometimes good names or bad names and. The toys also present their own boundaries, like, there are limits on what the toys can represent, which is how we get shellformers.

I also looked at some Transformers in terms of their characters, with treatements of Powerglide, the horror monster gestalts, Wheeljack, Optimus Prime and Swindle.

Magic the Gathering stuff

Oh hey, here’s that most complex game I like!

Sometimes I write about Magic as a player, like when I wrote about Wife Guy Decks, or my exercise in trying to get better at drafting (and I think I am!) with Outlaws of Thunder Junction Draft In Retrospect. I also reflected on the exciting news that we have Canon Dinobots, an entirely unbased fandom ship that it was really fun to see happening because essentially, one artist who thought it was cute drew fanart that became popular. Oh and I reflected on one of my favourite cards from Magic The Gathering Arena, Propagator Primordium.

Most importantly, and most generally useful, I think, though, are the articles I wrote for the Custom Magic design space. That is to say, things I think are useful lessons and ideas for people who are also, like me, making our own cards to enjoy the experience of making them.

In that, I wrote about Whybrid, which sought to be a useful guide to explaining to people who are new to the game about how hybrid mana works and what it’s job is for. Oh, and also, there was a reflection on the New Mechanics of 2023. I also wrote about the unhinged idea that players need special tools to end the game on their own terms, when the fact is, You Can Just Concede. Finally, I wanted to address the trend of Modern Horizons 3 inspired and adjacent designs of people consciously or unconsciously making The Everythingamajig.

Game making

I make games, and this year I wrote some articles on that. Not the central focus I want them to be (and we’ll see about that in 2025), but throughout the year I did put out some articles that, while a bit rough, are summaries of the game development process.

A Mechanic For Love

Bloodwork Update 11

Wip Assessment 1

Lysen Co and Forebears

Don’t Forget Simple Tools

Academic Topics

And while there weren’t as many as I would have wanted, I did spend some time this year talking about topics that are for lack of a better term ‘academic.’ This is stuff that’s a little denser and I hope it was a good explanation for these concepts.

Gdcn’t 1 — Understanding Others

Gdcn’t 2 — Incomplete Authorship

Gdcn’t 3 — You Don’t Know Apples

Extrinsic vs Intrinsic Critique

Privilege Is Without

Fundamentalist Christian Experiences

Something else I tried out this year was writing a series of articles that were built on my experience as a former Christian fundamentalist and the mindset of the culture I was raised in that I have since seen taking prominence in the world and online spaces around me. It’s sometimes a downer, but it is I hope, at least, something interesting.

First of all, I wrote about just the experience of being a fundie and the way the churches create strange behaviours, in the articles Fundie Divorce and Other Dramas, Fundie Fucking (god we were obssessed with sex), and Fundie Vibeology.

I talked about the unfairness that builds around when you do the ‘right’ thing and it doesn’t work, with Shoulds Don’t Matter. I reflected on what it means when as an atheist, we’re framed as being smug by people who claim to have a unique access to the mind of god. This is particularly important because I also think that all Fundamentalists are, under the hood, at best, liars. These lies build up and create the phenomenon I borrow from Formons that we call The Mormon Shelf.

Still, I also looked at the Bible a lot! The Bible is a super interesting book, and I considered The Floating Significance of Moses and the way that his name betrays something, something that he was built out of. I talked about the weird law against stitching pillows your elbows with Pillow-Stitchin’ and Soul-Snitchin’ that led to Zandra making a really lovely short story. I also wrote about the Trinity, specifically with the beautifully titled St Nicholas, The Trinity, and the Miracle of the Brick. And because I was paying attention to Bible academics, I learned about how the Bible Is Stolen Labor.

Finally, and probably the most important article in this type that I wrote this year and which I feel anxious about because I feel it makes me look bad, I wrote about Dealing with My Dad.

And A Bunch Of Other Stuff

And then, if all of that wasn’t particularly interesting to you, there are other things I wrote this year that I just think are good articles and interesting and enjoyable to read. For example, I wrote about three thousand words about Oshi No Ko, an anime I really enjoyed but which also provoked a host of thoughts about things like, well, what we call ‘anime bullshit,’ and where the focus of a story naturally lies. While talking about anime, I also wrote about The Unhinged Performative Heteronormativity of Shikimori’s Not Just A Cutie

That neatly segues into a bunch of queer themed writing I did, because y’know, I’m a queer guy and that means my hand has been stamped and I’m allowed to pass opinions on it. First I explained Disney’s Conversion Therapy Story in Chicken Little and how, y’know, maybe Disney are bad. I gave some information about my Blahaj sticker, in A Year of Blahaj. Since that story goes Decay-adjacent, I should also mention the article, ‘Let Me Tell You About Ligma‘ which got started by goofing around with Decay. It’s almost perfunctionary at that point that I wound up writing about The Queering of Ocs and the ways my cohort of OCs has gotten queerer over time, and my deep-seated rage at Fortnite‘s whole model of uncreative commodification, in Faces For Skins.

With all that talking about gay stuff, how about we talk about stuff that’s definitely not gay, like Taylor Swift? I wrote about Gaylors, Apes, and Quanon, which are leaderless cults of self-reinforcing divinely revelated incoherent realities. I wrote about playing for money, and the way that games are deformed by the pressures around them, which games studies likes to circle around and pretend doesn’t actually exist. Pressures that can lead to you being left to think that you need to cheat, like with The Three Repeat Cheats of Twenty Twenty Threet.

Since at that point we’re talking about down turns and people cheating at games, what about the conversational cheat of recruiting the absent, where you reframe a conversation in order to make someone who isn’t even there the offended party. Then I wrote in October, the month I like to focus on miserable topics, about the Union Carbide Bhopal Disaster, which sucked and hurt a lot of people and nobody can ever fix it. Speaking of things that can’t be fixed, there was also the meme of ‘Epstein Didn’t Kill Himself,’ which y’know, that’s a complicated space of feelings but just because people you don’t like are in charge doesn’t mean it’s time to bust out tinfoil hats to explain the world. Maybe it’ll be that bad incompetent people do bad things incompetently. And hey, speaking of incompetent people, and bad people, did you see my article about The Executioner of Nuremberg?

While every wrapup had a diary moment, one or two times in the year I made specific posts diaring experiences. Like that time I Felt Bad So I Went To The Park, and the deflated feeling of Giving up on Fighting Games.

I suppose for this point, for the last thing I have to say for this year, it’s the writing advice, that you’re always designing, to create tension when you can, and

Check it out on PRESS.exe to see it with images and links!

[lily22223]

The Advantages and Disadvantages of Digital Marketing for Small Businesses

Hey there! If you're like me, you're always on the lookout for ways to grow your business without breaking the bank. One strategy that keeps coming up is digital marketing. Whether you're thinking about diving into it yourself or hiring a Digital Marketing Agency to do the heavy lifting, there are some pros and cons worth considering. In this post, I’ll break down the key advantages and disadvantages of digital marketing, specifically for small businesses like yours.

The Advantages of Digital Marketing

Cost-Effective One of the biggest perks of digital marketing is how affordable it can be, especially when compared to traditional advertising methods. Gone are the days when you had to spend thousands on newspaper ads or TV commercials. With digital marketing, I can target my audience for a fraction of the cost using tools like social media ads, email campaigns, and SEO (Search Engine Optimization). This allows me to reach potential customers without draining my budget.

Measurable Results Another huge advantage is that digital marketing allows me to track results in real-time. With tools like Google Analytics or Facebook Insights, I can see exactly how many people are visiting my website, where they’re coming from, and what they’re doing once they get there. This data helps me tweak my strategy on the go, something that's not really possible with traditional marketing.

Targeted Audience Reach When I use digital marketing, I can zero in on the exact audience I want to reach. Whether I want to target local customers or expand nationally, digital platforms allow me to specify demographics like age, gender, location, and even interests. This means my ads or content are seen by people who are most likely to be interested in my business. SEO, for example, helps me show up in front of people who are actively searching for products or services like mine.

Flexibility I love that I can try different approaches in digital marketing and see what works best. If I’m running a social media campaign and it’s not getting the traction I want, I can pivot quickly. Whether it's running a new ad, adjusting my SEO strategy, or trying out a new email marketing approach, the flexibility digital marketing offers is incredible.

The Disadvantages of Digital Marketing

Time-Consuming If I’m handling digital marketing on my own, it can take up a lot of time. Creating content, managing social media accounts, optimizing for SEO, running ads—it can feel like a full-time job. This is one reason many small businesses turn to a Digital Marketing Agency. They handle the nitty-gritty details so I can focus on running my business.

Steep Learning Curve While digital marketing tools are accessible, they’re not always simple. SEO, for instance, can get technical. Learning how to optimize your website to rank higher on Google, figuring out keywords, and staying on top of ever-changing algorithms can be overwhelming. And then there’s managing paid advertising campaigns, where a little mistake could eat up my budget with nothing to show for it. This is why many business owners opt to hire professionals.

High Competition Let’s be honest—digital marketing is crowded. With everyone moving online, standing out can be tough. I’ve learned that just having a website or running a few ads won’t cut it. I need a well-thought-out strategy, whether it's through SEO, content marketing, or social media. And sometimes, even with the best strategy, the sheer amount of competition can make it difficult to see immediate results.

Requires Constant Updates The digital world is constantly changing, and that means I need to stay on top of trends, algorithm updates, and best practices. What worked for me a year ago might not work today. This constant need for updates can feel overwhelming, but it’s also part of the game.

So, What’s the Verdict?

Digital marketing is a powerful tool for small businesses, but it’s not without its challenges. If I have the time and the know-how (or if I hire a Digital Marketing Agency), it can be a game-changer. With the right strategy, I can reach my target audience, grow my business, and track every dollar I spend. But if I’m not prepared for the learning curve or time commitment, it could end up being more of a headache than a solution.

At the end of the day, it’s all about finding the right balance. Whether you go it alone or get help from a Digital Marketing Agency, the key is to stay flexible, stay informed, and keep pushing forward.

[girlierest]

The long debate of what is it really that makes everything I draw so fucking fundamentally hideous that it appeals to zero people. And whatfuckingever, draw for yourself as if my concepts and driving force was never for myself, I'm still mad someone who literally only draws half naked men facing left said that to me, who actively went out of my way to challenge myself by doing something new every time I pick up my tablet pen. Like are you fucking serious there isn't a ton of repetition or even a hard pattern between my body of work. Even the colour palettes I try to mix up to cover my bases. I don't want a weak spot/a colour I can't work with.

I know it's the style. It's too western, ofc it doesn't fit Gnshn standards. I could, and have, illustrated whole scenes. Never gets as much traction as someone's 15 minute doodle. The style is so ugly and western. The colouring style isn't painterly, isn't cel shading, isn't clean enough. I'm working on the colouring, idk if I even want to change my style or if I'm even capable. It took forever to even get to a point to step away from anime eyes and weak necks.

It's also not realistic enough. Not painterly/perfectly rendered enough. It's too cartoony, not a flawless portrait.

Idk where I'm even going with this rant. I would love to be an artist, and yeah whatever if you draw that technically makes you one in some capacity, but unfortunately I love art. And I'll never be good at it evidently. And it's fucking frustrating that I still care enough about it to try. It's not even remotely innate. Never had a talent for a damn thing in my life so it's just been conscious practice, drills, mistakes, experimentation, and repeat. For years. Nearing a decade. That's so fucking pathetic.

Idk what exactly to do. Putting it down and stepping away means I will need to relearn everything again inevitably because it has always been an acquired skill with years of daily practice in to improve, still going. If I step away from digital I will literally forget the already shit skills I have now, which means I have to relearn everything again. Hell, getting a Surface Pro and using it regularly for one semester in college resulted in having to relearn drawing on a normal tablet on my other computer all over again.

The dissatisfaction of accomplishing nothing also stems from broken childhood dreams. I've always wanted to be an artist. Since circa 2016-2017, I found a viable way to actually be one and aspired to it. Should I just fucking stop? I've had to talk myself down and out of my stupid fucking delusions of grandeur that I might one day succeed at these seemingly impossible goals for me specifically, but easily attainable for literally anyone else. It's so fucking frustrating.

[unpossession]

ohfiendangelical​.

His anger loses all its traction in an instant, defenses collapsing under the heavy weight of this, the worst thing, the only thing. She has spoken aloud his deepest innermost terror and brought it to life. There is nothing about him that is good. There is nothing about him that is beautiful. There is nothing about him that is worthy. He is all bad. Ugly. Grotesque. 

He shuts down. There is nothing more to say. He cannot argue, cannot wail and lament and beg — not anymore. This is the one thing he can’t fight against. It is the thing that has chased him relentlessly his whole life, the thing he tries so hard to drown out with liquor and pills and the myriad of mirrors that adorn his walls. It is the whisper in his ear that puts him in confessional booths, house parties, psych wards. 

Willow won’t change her mind. There is nothing he can do, nothing he can say; no amount of context or weeping will make him something else — lovable, human. He is trapped in what he is. That is the sick joke of it all. The audacity of his pain only makes him more of a monster. Evil is ten times as frightening when it doesn’t know its place. 

He wants to die. He wants to be bled by the neck and returned to the earth, to God — if only they would have him.

          “Oh,”          he finally says, unable to bear the weighty silence any longer.          “Oh.” 

He looks away from her, making brief eye contact with his reflection in a nearby mirror. The thing looks back at him, pitiful and alien, not made of marble, not beautiful at all. He can’t look at that for very long, either, so he focuses on the floor. It needs sweeping, he thinks. Could use a mop, too.

A slow, deep breath. Tears are wiped away. Fine, then. Fine. She’s the artist, the one with the vision; he’s only an actor, here to play his part. She’s directing him. He needs to stop arguing. If his performance is good enough, she’ll be able to read between the lines, anyway. 

          “Well, that’s too bad,”          he says, working a deranged, coy purr into his voice. He takes a threatening step forward.          “I wanted to savor you more.” 

              “You’re  not  going  to  hurt  me  again,  Zero,”          Willow says, feeling herself hollow out. She said she never loved him, but she’ll never be sure if that was true. There was nothing of Augusta to love until she was gone and now as Zero turns to her, changed and tormented by her words, she’s struck with the same loss. I loved you and I expelled you from my life. I will spend my life like an addict, itching for you.  But maybe that’s all a writer’s hyperbole. 

So emptiness it is. She can fill herself up on strength later when she is home and safe and can tell herself she has done the right thing. When Zero is out of her vision and she can think clearly again. Her guilt beckons the pain. The longing for it, that is.  But she promised. She promised she would live now. That she’d get some fucking respect for herself and stop these games.

            “All that’s over now.”             Willow tells him with confidence, as though she has any power over him at all now that she’s closed her fist around any love he might have had for her, crushed it in her palm.           “I’m gonna leave and you’re going to let me go.” 

But she isn’t moving. Her legs refuse her the dignified exit she desires, frozen and trembling and resisting. 

         “Step aside,”         She doesn’t mean to whisper.        “Let me go. Let it end.” 

[twopoppies]

Why do you think Harry doesn't do more to help Louis in his career? Like get Louis signed to a decent record label that people have heard of, get Louis promoted, interviews etc. Harry has contacts. I'm sure he could do so much more. He only has to ask the Azoffs. They can keep it private. I've seen the Azoffs work with Niall. Why don't they do more for Louis? Or did Louis sacrifice his career so Harry could be successful? I've seen Larries say that. Because at one point Louis was more successful than Harry, when he released back to you. I also wonder if Louis was lumbered with a kid that isn't his because of Harry, and one of them had to go deep into the closet? and that person was Louis. So did Louis suffer a lot because of Harry?

Well, first of all, we have zero idea of what goes on behind the scenes. So we don't know what Harry does or doesn't do to help Louis. You seem to be assuming he does nothing because you don't think Louis is where he should be. You're also assuming that Harry (or the Azoffs) can actually just snap their fingers and make things happen. We have no idea what sort of contractual obligations Louis has been tied up with all these years. What have the Azoffs publicly done for Niall? How do you know they're not doing anything for Louis? How do you know that Louis doesn't want to be with BMG? I mean, I'm not quite sure what BMG are going to do for him, but there's no record label that's actually "good". Also, I'd really wait to complain until we see what changes will be made when LT2 is released. It'll be his first time releasing music not being signed to Syco. I would imagine there will be plenty of interviews and promo. Frankly, I think this idea that it's Harry fault that Louis isn't where certain people, personally, think should be is absolute crap.

I don't know any larries who think Louis sacrificed his career for Harry. That sounds like a bunch of rad bullshit to me. And I'm not sure what you mean by Louis being more successful than Harry at one point. Back to You was definitely a big hit for him, and then Sony pulled it just as it was gaining traction. Again, we have no idea wtf was going on and whether that was related to what Sony wanted from Harry. I don't know what criteria you're using to determine "success". HS1 came out just a couple of months before BTY and I'm pretty sure it was a pretty solid success (although clearly not as successful as his next two albums). Anyway, that's neither here nor there, I don't think it makes sense to compare them that way.

No, I absolutely do not believe Louis somehow volunteered to be deeply closeted so Harry could fly free. I think BG may have begun as a promise to raise Louis' profile with some classic PR bullshit, but then it backfired and he's been saddled with this situation since 2015. I do agree that his career was definitely sandbagged, but I've always felt that what happened to Louis was as much meant to punish him, as it was a way to keep Harry in check. Louis may have suffered because he and Harry are a couple. But he didn't suffer "because of Harry". And I'd bet the farm that Louis would still have been held back even if they weren't together because Harry was always the chosen one, as far as Sony was concerned.