#it hurts so fucking much having to lose your friend of like 11-ish years for several reasons that have all just been building up

[soft-bugs]

!

[ackermans-freedom-inc]

Masterlist

Heya! Thank you for visiting! I will post all of my writings here, so please feel free to browse at your leisure. 

If you want to send in a request, please feel free to do so, unless my blog description says requests are closed. If they are indeed closed and you wish to send something in anyway, you are very welcome to do so! I may or may not get to it though I will try my best. 

__________________________________________

Levi Ackerman 

Fics

Train Pt 1 

All My Choices - “All my choices lead to you” prompt

Hot and Cold - He would compliment you one moment, and hurt you the next

Just a Drink - Someone came to hit on you at the bar...

Nothing More - You and him were friends with benefits...and nothing more? NSFW

Remember - You succumb to the thoughts in your head, and he’s there to remind you

Monster - “Why do you have to make me into a monster?” prompt

Snow - You get lost in blizzard and Levi is worried sick

By Your Side - What happens when your cheesy pickup line loving self gets paired with a handsome bodyguard?

Education - You are a poc, and somehow the world will not leave you alone

Counting the Days - Levi just wants to do the do, but his son gets in the way. NSFW

Bows - “I just wanted to be pretty for you” 

Carry a Tune - (LawyerAU) Levi gets jealous.

Never - He broke up with you out of the blue

Alleged Allergies - (LawyerAU) Levi and your cat adoption adventures

Fish - You’re feeding your baby and Levi couldn’t be more supportive

What More Could You Ask For - You and Levi with your kids on a beautiful morning

I Miss Her Too - Your best friend was gone. How could you ever heal?

Tease - (LawyerAU) You have to entertain an important client for the firm...your boyfriend is NOT pleased

Pep Talk - Hanji’s messy cat comes over to meet your cat...what could go wrong?

Next to You - He opens his eyes, and sees you, fast asleep.

Never Expected - He breaks up with you, but you loved him so much. So why?

For the Night - You met his eyes from across the club. Memories that weren't your own swirled in your head. One night of passion ensued. NSFW

Treading Water - You fall into the water after a titan attack. You can’t swim.

Poopyhead - You and Levi’s darling son goes missing one day

The Sham - You were arranged to married to Levi. It was a sham. 

Your Touch - Levi was so so stressed, so you do what you can to help him

Uprising - You loved him so much, but the moment never seemed right

Someone You Loved - He watched as you fell out of love with him

I Wish - Him and you were over months ago. What more could he have to say?

You Weren’t There - You were missing in action for weeks. No way you were still alive. Right?

Mergers and Accusations - (Lawyer AU) Your boyfriend couldn't have leaked your confidential files...could he? 

The Mop Job - Levi, Isabel, and Farlan and Levi’s broken ankle 

Where You Belong - You and Levi were expecting. So what happens when one of you loses their memory?

A Matter of Time - It was only a matter of time before one of you caught feelings

Hold On - There was nothing you wouldn’t do for your sister...who also happened to be Levi’s girlfriend.

Dibs - You sought out Levi for comfort after a breakup

Mirrors - You felt insecure in your body. Levi comforts you

Pumpkin - You tell Levi you’re pregnant against a gorgeous fall background

His Touch - You have a phobia of intimacy, and you thought you were ready to try something new

You Never Liked Her - You stood by Levi through it all. What about your own feelings?

Stressed - You were so stressed over exams, and Levi helps you out

Pet - You were a high ranking demon. And then you met him

Treading Water 2 - he was so glad to have you back and he wanted to show you (tiny bit spicy)

About Damn Time - the other vets act as ScoutWingmen because you and Levi were taking too long

Pointe - Levi finds you alone in the mess hall in the middle of the night. Dancing?

Zoom - the 104th kiddos see a cat...in two zoom calls?

How Many Times? - how many times does Levi have to ask you to be his?

Diamonds - (MafiaAU) Fluff/angst

Just a Trim - haircut with Levi drabble

Whirlybird - domestic drabble

Moot - LawyerAU, nsfw | watching Levi demolish opposing counsel made you feel a certain way...

Headcanons

- Levi’s Ideal s/o - kinda turned imagine/scenario, some nsfw

- Levi with a Med&Science s/o

- Levi with s/o with eating disorder  - tw eating disorder mention

- Levi with a s/o who has a fear of intimacy

- Levi with a s/o who cries after sex - mention of past trauma, fluff, kinda nsfw

- Levi with a s/o who is RIPPED 

- Cheater!Levi with a badass s/o

- Cheater!Levi with a badass s/o PT2 

- Levi when his s/o has a miscarriage (tw) 

- Levi with a smaller male s/o

- Levi with a s/o with narcolepsy 

- Levi with a smaller bratty male sub! s/o NSFW

- Awkward sub!Levi in a relationship - SFW, fluffy af

- Levi when he meets another full Asian girl

- Levi slow dancing with you

- Levi with a dom!male reader

- Levi with a s/o who looks like an angel but is kinda the devil

- Levi with a s/o who likes to laugh/tell jokes

THIRSTY THURSDAYS - NSFW AF Y’ALL. 18+!!!!!!!!

#1  - oral reader receiving | You just wanted to try sitting on his face...

#2 - first time, smut, choking kink | You waited for him to be your first

#3 - Sub!Levi, tied up, slapping | He wanted to prove he could take orders

#4 - Dom!Levi, jealous/possessive, edging | You spent time with Erwin?

#5 - Waxplay, sensation play, edging, dom-ish Levi | You wanted to try this...

#6 - Omegaverse, ModernAU | Your heat was coming and the sauna helped

#7 - Dirty talk, modern AU | You just wanted to watch the dang movie

#8 - Pegging, prostate stimulation, sub!Levi | You wanted to try something...

#9 - public sex, oral, dirty talk | A fun time in the waterpark changeroom

#10 - dirty talk, sex, modernAU | You wanted him to do more than just your taxes

#11 - bathtub sex | Levi saw you training cadets...and oops you’re hot

#12 - Modern AU, dirty talk, name calling, domlevi | You were worried Levi wasn't enjoying himself

#13 - hurt/comfort, comfort sex, fluff | After the [redacted] Levi was worried you were avoiding him 

#14 - jealous/possessive dom!Levi, rough sex, choking, slapping | You got a little carried away squealing over your favourite actor...

#15 - MIKE X READER - daddy kink, size kink | no plot just fucking Mike while calling him daddy

#16 - oral female receiving | He was too busy to give you attention...

#17 - older!reader (31) x Levi (25). No kinks just sex | it had been so long since you were with someone...then you met him

#18 - public-ish sex | you and him were friends with benefits for years. But one day, beneath the stars and against the wall...

#19 - oral, slight voyeurism | you, in a dress. Him under the table...what could go wrong?

#20 - oral, vaginal sex, slight voyeurism | you and levi get walked in on

#21 - touchstarved Levi | just sex no kinks, fluffy

#22 - Eren x Reader, modern AU, soft + sweet, no kinks, fluff

Multi - Chaptered

Abeille: Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 4 | Chapter 5 | Chapter 6

Not Levi 

Sneakers - Annie x fem!reader - Annie goes to the mall to get a pair of sneakers...what she didnt expect to find was you 

She - Mikasa x fem!reader - You just loved her so much. But she...

[buckthegrump]

IBTHNTTTY - 16

Bucky Barnes x Female Reader

Summary: Y/n hates Bucky Barnes. Absolutely loathes him what makes it worse is that she has to share her office with him. Now with a promotion on the horizon she has to find a way to work with him and not against him.

Word Count: 1533

Warnings: swears, angst,  i think that’s all for this chapter

A/n: listen, i -

Thursday came a lot quicker than Y/n would’ve wanted. But it was time to go over to Tony Stark’s house, according to Bucky he was the only one with enough room to host everyone. Bucky offered to pick her up and take her, so he was showing up at 6:30.

At one point Y/n almost said they should just hang out before the dinner because it seemed silly to say goodbye at 5 then hello again in an hour and a half. But she needed to get herself together before the dinner.

Oh god, she was going to dinner with Bucky’s friends. Essentially his family, they called it family dinner for fuck’s sake.

She’d changed her outfit a total of five times. And she finally landed on a pair of black leggings (jeans could suck her ass) and a very glamorous sweatshirt. She’d called Bucky and he assured her three times that her current outfit was fine, he wouldn’t be dressed any better. And this was her best sweatshirt. 

But that wasn’t making her any less nervous, she was about to go back and change when Bucky called her.

“I’m here and if you change again,” he said, not bothering with a greeting, “we will be late so grab your purse and get down here.”

“But what if -”

“Don’t make me come up there and drag you down here. I’ll do it and it won’t be pretty,” he said.

“Fine,” she grumbled. “But I’m driving.”

She walked out of her place and down the hall. 

“Why would you drive? My car’s here I know where we’re going, and it would just be -”

“I’m driving,” Y/n insisted. The truth was if she had to sit and watch Bucky drive one more time, she was going to lose it.

“Fine, it’s ridiculous but fine.”

* * *

“Do you know how to drive a stick?” Bucky asked while they drove down a mostly deserted road.

“If you’re making me drive out into the woods so you can kill me -”

“First of all, you forced me to ride in your car so that’s on you. Second of all you haven’t answered my question,” Bucky sang.

“No, I don’t know how to drive a stick shift. And you of all people are not teaching me,” she scoffed.

“Why the hell not?”

Y/n started giggling. There were about a million reasons that she could think of that, the biggest one being that if he was a good teacher she would lose her mind. Just imagining Bucky as a patient and gentle teacher made her blood boil.

But instead of saying that, she said, “I would make a terrible student. We would no longer be friends if you tried to teach me that.”

“I don’t think so,” Bucky said as he shifted in his seat, “I think you would catch on quickly. And I know that we would still be friends.”

“Think what you want, I’m a terror.”

“I think I’ve seen you at your worst.”

“Ha, ha,” Y/n barked, “No, you really haven’t. It’s funny because I went crazy for a spell there in college.”

“Did you?” Bucky sat up straight.

“Yeah, I would just go bonkers after 11:30. I think my mental health wasn’t the best during my senior year. I think I had a few psychotic breaks and that’s why I went crazy,” Y/n bit her cheek, “Ohh, some much makes sense now.”

“I’m sure your therapist will be glad you had this break through.”

“I’m sure they would be happy, if I had one. I’ve been before but I kind of stopped going because I didn’t have any time and then I just kept not having time.”

They were quiet the rest of the way, the only thing that kept them from being in silence was the music. 

Y/n parked the car in front of a ridiculously large house. She glared at Bucky who shrugged.

“Not my house,” he said.

“I kind of want to punch him in the face,” she muttered as she got out of the car.

They walked up to the door and Y/n went to knock but Bucky just opened the door and walked in.

“Tony!” He yelled. “I’m here!”

“Good,” a voice yelled back. Y/n walked through the door just in time to watch Tony walk into the entry way as he said, “Did you bring that girl that you’re in love with?”

Bucky put his head in his hand and groaned. 

“I’m not in love -”

“Don’t lie to me,” Tony spoke as he walked towards Y/n, “You must be Y/n. We’ve heard a lot of things about you. All good. Well some bad -ish. It’s a little unclear on how we as a group are supposed to feel about you because sometimes you come off as a major bitch.”

Y/n couldn’t tell if he was teasing or not, but she went with the most likely option of him being completely serious, and now she wanted to vomit.

“Tony, stop,” Bucky scolded, “You just met her. You can’t make her think you actually hate her within the first 30 seconds of meeting.”

Bucky placed his hand on the small of her back and guided her into the living room. All of his other friends were sitting around chatting until she and Bucky were standing in the archway. They all fell silent and stared at them. 

Y/n turned to Bucky about to tell him that she couldn’t do this and was going home. When a familiar voice rang in her ears.

“Y/n,” she turned to see Dr. Sam stand up and walk towards her, “It’s good to see you up and moving about.”

“Dr. Sam, just the person I wanted to see. I was going to ask you if you still wanted to specialize in -”

“Ok,” Bucky cut her off. “Y/n, this is Steve, Pepper, and Bruce.You’ve had the ‘pleasure’ of meeting Tony already. And you clearly already know Sam.”

“I’m still upset that Sam got to meet you before the rest of us,” Steve said as he got up. He offered his hand to Y/n, who took it apprehensively. “I’m Steve, Bucky’s childhood friend. Don’t worry about what Tony said, he’s a dick that doesn’t know when to keep his mouth shut. Pepper, Burce, and I are so much nicer than Sam and Tony.”

“I helped take care of her while she was sick,” Sam gasped.

“I don’t see how commenting on my ass and tits are helping,” Y/n joked and instantly regretted it.

“Ooo, Bucky,” Tony said reentering the living room, “You didn’t tell us she was funny.”

“You made comments on her body while she was sick?” Pepper asked.

Sam stumbled his way through an explanation as they all seemingly resumed their conversations. Y/n interjected things where she could but they were talking at a speed that she was having trouble keeping up with. 

* * *

Dinner had been served and everyone was being quiet, which Y/n knew was uncharacteristic of them.

“Are y’all gonna start questioning me aren’t you?” Y/n asked.

“Normally yes,” Tony answered. “But our usual interrogator is busy tonight.”

“Doesn’t matter anyway,” Bucky said around the food in his mouth, “Natasha already loves her.”

“They know Natasha?” Y/n looked at him.

“Yeah, she is one of our friends. But she hasn’t told anyone here, I’m not sure why.”

“Probably wanted us to come to our conclusions about you,” Steve said, “So, tell me. . .”

Steve and the rest of Bucky’s friends questioned Y/n and she took them with ease, or at least she would say she did. 

After what seemed like hours they let Y/n and Bucky leave. Once they were in the car again she sighed and pressed her hands to her face.

“I think you handled it well,” Bucky said. “And I think they liked you.”

“Why did it feel like they were questioning me as your girlfriend? With the ‘what are your intentions’? Or the ‘don’t you hurt him’ comments.” Y/n stared at him with wide eyes. “Do they think we’re dating? Wait -”

“No,” Bucky said, “That’s just their kind of humor. I never told them that we were dating, they’re just dicks sometimes.”

Y/n sighed as she started driving. There was a long silence before Bucky spoke.

“Is the idea of dating me really so bad?”

Y/n chuckled and made it a point to keep her eyes on the road. “No, not you. But the idea that someone wants to date me is very laughable.”

Bucky didn’t respond, and the rest of the car ride was quiet.

* * *

They got back to Y/n’s place and she walked him back to his car. She was about to bid him a goodnight when he stopped right in front of her and faced her.

“You have to stop thinking that you are undateable,” he whispered, “It’s simply not true.”

She chuckled. “What are you gonna do? Date me to prove your point?”

A half smile made its way to his face as he shook his head. “Good night, Y/n.”

[foronceleavemealone]

Long time no see

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 

A/N: First time writing. Really wanted to write, but I think this is very bad. I don’t know how repetetive this is, but to me it seems very repetitive. Please be kind, but also I’m open for roasting. This isn’t a reader insert, this is more of an OC, but not really either. I feel like it’s somewhere in the middle. The watch that I wrote about is inspired by this watch. Also I don’t know much about 90s fashion, especially work fashion/clothing, I just think those type of necklaces that I made her wear look very neat. 

Summary: She’s very done with work. On her way out she sees an old friend and they begin to catch up.

Pairing:  Javier Peña x OC (I guess? But it can also be an insert. Seems somewhere in the middle for me. idk..)

Genre: angst(ish), fluff(ish)

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She layed in her bed on her left side staring into the distance of the room. Her heartbeat felt a lot more annoying than usual and even in a way painful. She looked at the clock. 4.37am. Not too bad?

‘If I fall asleep right now I'll be able to sleep for 3 hours and 23 minutes, which isnt that bad. I've had worse’. But she couldnt fall asleep. Various thoughts were plagueing her mind. After a couple more hours she couldnt take it anymore.

“For fucks sake” she mumbeled to herself and looked at the clock. 6.42. “good enough”  she got up and went to the bathroom. Getting ready took up quite some time. She did want to look professional one last time. White button up, with a couple upper buttons undone, black blazer, black pants, black heels, a lariat necklace and a watch completed her look. She never liked pencil skirts. Not that it was a statement of some sort, more so that it made her feel uncomfortable. The hip hugging sensation, the way it looked, it just wasnt her cup of tea. Also she couldnt get much field work done in them.

She looked at herself in the mirror.

‘Looks like I'm going to a funeral’ a thought ran through her mind. In a way this was a funeral. The funeral of her career.

She thought about having breakfast but was too afraid to ruin her clothes.

‘Why didn't I think about this’ is all she thought mentally cursing at herself for not planning the little things.

She grabbed an apple, took a few bites and realised that that was not going to work, the nerves were kicking in and food didn't seem like their right companion. She grabbed her keys, her bag and went to take the last trip to the HQ.

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“Are you absolutely sure you want to do this?” her boss asked.

“Absolutely. I don't have any doubts” she said with a smile forming on her lips, but she knew she wasn’t sure. 

“Well, it's difdicult to let such people like you go. It's tough losing good agents. But I wish you luck”

“Thank you. It was an honor working here and with you, sir” she said as she stood up.

“Likewise” her boss put out his hand and she reached out a shook it.

They nodded to each other and she walked out of his office.

It's not that she was a bad agent. Like her boss said, she was good, great, fine. But not great enough. She always felt underappreciated, but that wasn’t the reason why she decided to resign, or so she thought. It was everything else. Both physical and mental trauma. Getting shot left it's toll. She was never severely injured and thank goodness for that, but a couple of bullets pierced her arm once, one went to her lower abdomen and not to mention the times the tac vest saved her life, only leaving a pain in her chest rather than a gaping wound. All of these incidences made her think that maybe she was not only a lousy shot, but also a bit shortsighted, not quick enough, yet she never spoke about these worries and kept everything to herself. The physical scars were fine, they healed and stopped hurting, but the mental ones... She never forgot those moments when she got shot, or when she shot someone else. Losing coworkers left a mark. Losing partners, now that  left a huge mark... After working for what felt like centuries, she started thinking whether this is really making any difference. Is it actually doing any good? So many people dead, so much blood shed, so many lives ruined. Being morally gray? Yeah, seems about right.. 

Working overtime surely didn’t help the situation. She wasn’t a workaholic, at least that’s what she had told herself. Working overtime, obsessing over details and usually getting little to no progress at all led her right into burn out teritory. And one day, she had enough. She talked to her boss about quitting after she finishes off one last case. He tried to talk her out of it, somehow drag out the case, giving her more paperwork or by making her chase loose ends, hoping she would change her mind. She did her job, being the great agent she is (or was), and finished everything yesterday. As she handed the case report to her boss, a letter of resignation was attatched to it. Today she only came in to gather the rest of her stuff from her office and tie up any loose ends, and say goodbye to her coworkers. 

She didn’t have that many things in her office. She kept it simple, nothing too personal. She didn’t even need a box, she had cleared most of the framed honors yesterday. She looked through the rest of the office to see if she forgot anything. She checked the drawers of her desk and in one of them there was something she’d left yesterday, not knowing whether to leave it there, throw it out or take it with her. It was a watch. She hesitated.

“Oh what the hell” she said as she took it and put it in her pocket. 

Finally she was done. She didn’t even stop to look at the now empty office. She was quite done, she had been for a while. She started walking down the corridor. As she reached the first floor she glanced at her watch.

“11am, not too bad” she mumbled to herself. 

She looked up and a few meters right in front of her she saw a man. They locked eyes and something felt so familiar, so nice, so heartwarming. A smile formed on the man’s face.

“My my my, what a sight for sore eyes” she said with a huge smile which almost made her chuckle.

“Sad to hear your eyes are sore” he said and chuckled a little bit himself while going in for a hug. He smelled like he always had (she could never tell the exact composition, but it reminded her of cardamom and cedar) and she found it comforting in a way, especially on this day. 

“How have you been?” she asked pulling away from the hug.

“I’ve..” he hesitated for a bit while looking at her. “I just resigned. Had enough of this bullshit”

“Oh wow. How come? I heard you did a great jo-”

“I did what I had to do. Or at least what seemed right to do” he said as he looked at the floor. “Anyway, what about you, how have you been?” he asked trying to change the subject.

“Oh I... I actually quit today too” she said, with a little quiver in her voice.

The man looked at her and raised an eyebrow. This not only surprised him, but made him a little bit upset. He was never big on picking up emotions and feelings, but this just felt somehow a bit off.

“You? Quitting? That doesn’t seem like you”

“Well, I had enough of this bullshit too”. She forced a smile.

“So, are you done for today then?” 

“Yeah, pretty much so. I was just about to head out. Go...home.” she said with a sudden wave of sadness washing over.

“Wanna get a drink?” He thought that whatever she was going through could be washed away with a drink, at least for a moment.

“It’s like 11 am”

“Right... and I forgot you don’t drink”

“Yeah, I don’t drink. So how about some coffee?”

“Yeah, sure”

“Javier Peña, man of many words, like always” she smiled with some memories flooding her mind.

“Shut it” he said smiling, feeling surprisingly blissful at the sight of her smiling.

------------------------------------

“So why did you quit?” Javier asked bluntly.

“Straight to the point, huh” 

He tilted his head a bit and smiled.

“It just doesn’t seem like you. You always seemed to love the job, the rush it gave you”

“It did once. But it was getting too much. And I couldn’t take it after I lost my partner” she said with a shaky voice. She visibly got upset, but cleared her throat “sorry” she smiled.

“No, it’s ok. We don’t have to talk if you do-”

“No it’s fine. I should talk about it. It’s been months. And the longer I keep it to myself the worse it’ll be”

Just as she was about to begin talking the waiter came and brought their drinks.

“Thank you” she said to the waiter and flashed a smile. Javier always loved how she was kind like that.

“Black coffee? I thought you hated straight up black coffee” 

“Well, I thought I’d spice up my life with something I don’t usually get” she said and took a sip, regret forming on her face.

“How’s that spice?” Javier said trying not to laugh.

“It’ll... It’ll grow on me”. They both giggle. 

“I’ve heard that many times before. It’s been years and still no progress” he said still trying to control the slight chuckle.

“It’s really been years, hasn’t it?” she said and looked at him. They both stared into each other’s eyes for a bit, some form of nostalgia washing over both of them, until she reached out into her pocket and pulled something out. “Speaking of years, or well, time I guess. Here’s what I found”. She showed Javier that silver watch she took from her drawer before she left the office.

“No way.. is that? Is that my watch?” he said and reach out for it. She handed him the watch, their hands touching for a bit and she remembered that day.

------------------------------------

It was a hot summer day and the car surely wasn’t parked in a shade before they got in it.

“Oh fuck” Javier said as he sat behind the wheel. 

“You could actually cook something in here” she said and fanned herself with her hand. 

They sat in silence for a bit. Javier rubbed his face with his hands while she sat on the passenger side with the door wide open, rubbing her right temple. 

“Are you sure you’re ok?” Javier asked as he looked over to her.

“Yeah, I’m fine. He knocked the wind out of me, but everything seems fine”

“He would have thrown you out the window”

“He would have done a lot more, if it weren’t for your quick thinking. Thanks by the way”

“That’s the least I could do for a partner” Javier said as he looked her up and down.

They sat in the silence for a little bit.

“He tore off my watch, broke it” she said as she rubbed her left wrist, which most likely hurt since her facial expression shifted once she touched it. “It was my dad’s gift” she said with sadness in her voice.”I have a date tonight, and I don’t even know what time it is” she smiled a bit, thinking to herself that it was a bit absurd to think about such a thing after all that just happened. 

Javier looked at his watch.

“Well it’s currently 6:47pm. And as I remember you have that date at 8pm.” Javier looked at his watch for a bit too long and unclasped it. “Here, take it” he said holding out his watch.

“What? Javi, I don’t need a watch that desperately, I’ll manage” 

“Just take it for tonight, I know you don’t wanna be late, you like that guy. And we always get too focused on paper work to pay attention to the lobby clock” 

She looked at his hand with his watch in it and thought for a moment before reaching out and touching Javier’s hand.

-------

“Some last day of trainee work that was” Javier said placing the watch on the table and bringing her back to present day. It seemed like he was reliving that same moment. “And you’ve kept the watch for so long” 

“I forgot to return it the next day. And then we were transfered to different locations. I couldn’t just throw it out. I always wanted to return it.” 

“It stayed with you for that long you should keep it” Javier said and took a sip of his coffee. 

“Well it did get me through that date”

“Some date that was. You married the guy” he said with some heartache and bitterness, regretting his words seconds after as he cursed at himself, he should’ve thought more before speaking, he didn’t want to upset her. 

“Some marriage that was. We ultimately got divorced” she took a sip of her coffee to wash away those rancid words with the bitter liquid, but decided that she hated it.

“Sorry for bringing it up” Javier said and looked at his own coffee cup. He felt like he was hitting all of the wrong spots today. Like poking a wounded animal with a stick. He didn’t want to do that. He’s been fond of her from their academy days and the feeling always increased with their every meeting, especially when they moved up from being just trainees to special agents.They didn’t get to see each other as much, but they would run into each other from time to time, catch up. The last time they had a catching up session like this was after the Escobar case, right before Javi went to spend some time back at his hometown. 

“No, it’s fine.. It’s fine. So what are you going to do now that you’re free?” she emphasised the word free.

“I’m going back to Laredo. Gonna spend some time with my dad, help him out. He’s not getting any younger. What about you?”

“Oh, I don’t....know” she said as she twisted the cup of coffee in her hands.

Javier didn’t like this mood she was in. Quitting her job, not having a plan on what to do next. She was always one step ahead, organised. He knew that something was wrong and it broke his heart. She was probably hurting, as he guessed. 

“Why don’t you come to Laredo with me for a while?” this time he said it after some thought, but still it felt like a wild card to him.

She looked up at him, with surprise on her face. 

“Javi I-”

“I’m sure some fresh air and good company would do you go. We have plenty of room at home, you’d be welcome. And you don’t have any plans so” he clears his throat “I think..I’d be a good..idea”

“But, Javi, I wouldn’t want t-”

“You won’t be bothering anyone”

“What about your dad? I wouldn’t want to impose”

“Trust me, he likes company. So what do you say?”

“I mean it’s a big deal”

“It’s really not. Just for a couple of weeks”

“Ok, fine” she said as she took the watch that was still laying on the table and put it in her pocket.

“Great” Javier said as he took a sip of his coffee. He finally felt some relief in his heart. 

------------------------------------

When she got back home it was already 5pm. Where did the time go? They spent their time talking about their academy days, and their trainee days, also talking a bit about the trip. 

“What did I get myself into” she said as she poured herself a glass of water. 

She brushed a hand over the side of her blazer and was reminded of the watch that was still in her pocket. She took it out and looked at it, caressing it with her thumb as a smile grew on her face. And to think she wanted to throw it away. Gosh, what a foolish move would that have been. She never realises just how much she had missed him until they meet again and this time was to exception.

“Yeah... Some date that was” she said as she sat at the kitchen table still looking at the watch, contemplating the events of today. She stopped her thoughts and realised what she actually had agreed to do - travel to Laredo with Javi- and laughed to herself. 

“Well... maybe it’ll be fun” she said to herself, as she took a nother sip of water, with somewhat forced positivity, but excitement too.

[mieczyhale]

you know what i could go for?? [late night ramble journey ahead // i did not re-read this so who knows!!]

an in-depth fic about klaus’s ten months in vietnam.. but with ben there. klaus getting pants and a gun shoved at him and ben is just as confused and freaked out. klaus finding out where they are, or ben finding out and telling him. klaus meeting dave and ben is sitting next to him, side eyeing dave because who is this soldier and why did he come all the way from the back of the bus to introduce himself. ben sees it / can tell when klaus shoves the briefcase under their seat right after and ben’s just like ‘are you fucking kidding me??’ and of course klaus would make stupid decisions because of an attractive man with a sweet smile. so he’s exasperated but also concerned because it’s 1968 and people like klaus are treated even worse now than they are in 2019, way worse, and all of these men are probably straight - dave included. and if any of them are gay they’re not gonna say anything let alone act on it. it wouldn’t be worth it. klaus could get himself hurt or killed just for being himself, if he acts too.. well.. himself after that he stays by klaus’s side more than he did in their own time, which is really saying something. offers advice and wisdom like he always has. he warns him about snipers and mines and bullets and in turn klaus warns his squad. ben can’t lie - it feels pretty fucking good to be responsible for saving lives without having to take any. he still wishes klaus would just try the briefcase, he has it, but at some point he stops pushing. because he does think klaus needs to go back and soon but everytime he brings it up klaus gets defensive and angry - he can do what he wants. he has friends here now. he has a family that actually likes him. that actually cares. he’s considered useful and important and he’s on drugs!! he can get high and none of them think any less of him for it. why can’t ben see that maybe this is where he belongs?? maybe the middle of the fucking vietnam war is where he fits?? and it’s not like he has anyone or anything back home. the only thing he could have missed is ben and ben’s with him in 1968 so there’s literally nothing. and ben wants to yell back, he wants to argue that there’s plenty for klaus to go back to, but he’s realizing that klaus.. might be right. and that hurts. and of course pisses ben off but it hurts because nobody should have to travel back in time and fight in a pointless war to find basic respect, especially not klaus. klaus who has been through enough - who deserves good things more than anyone ben knows. so after that conversation he doesn’t bring it up anymore. he looks at it sometimes, and thinks about their siblings, how they just gained their missing brother only to lose another, how are they doing? have they noticed klaus is missing yet? did they see the motel room?? did they know that all of that blood was klaus’s?? (shh patch didn’t die, hazel and cha cha escaped by knocking her out but she lives because i said so. diego shows up and finds her, freaks out at first but is relieved that she’s fine. he manages to get her to wake up and she tells him that klaus was there. he was hurt, very very hurt, but he got away. she doesn’t know where he went, he crawled through the vent, and he’s gone, diego. you need to find him - he needs a hospital. ahem anyway) ben thinks on these things and it never takes him long to get disgusted looking at it because it contains, in a way, their family. and he thinks he knows the answers. he gets to a point where he decides he wouldn’t be upset if they never had to see those jackasses again. his loyalties lie with klaus, after 13 years together there’s no way they wouldnt be. and if doing what’s best for klaus, doing what makes klaus happy, is staying right where they’ve found themselves than he can deal with it. that’s where he ends up anyway but its definitely not a quick or easy point to reach. he’s there for every battle, all the days of marching, watching klaus kill people and knowing how badly it’s affecting his brother and yet he doesn’t stop. he doesn’t pull back without orders, doesn’t put his gun down until he knows his squad is safe. and that fierceness grows as he gets closer to dave. ben doesn’t know what to think of dave at first, probably doesn’t trust him - knowing every man klaus has ever found attractive or had a “relationship” with before - but ben literally watches this - admittedly handsome - soldier boy fall in love with klaus, and klaus with him. ben witnesses the disco. the private conversation - from a distance, he’s doesn’t feel quite right listening in and he can still see them. the way they look at each other. how gently dave approaches every moment with klaus - the hand on his cheek, their first kiss (which he WILL tease klaus about later) when they head back to the hotel that was booked for all the guys for r&r, ben decides to wander saigon instead because he’s pretty sure he knows where things are going to go considering klaus and dave are roommates (oh my god they were roommates) by the time he gets back they’re both passed out (in the same bed. as he expected) from that day forward klaus is happy, genuinely happy in a way ben can’t remember him ever being, and dave has of course gained ben’s full approval (especially when klaus tells dave about the ghosts and dave believes him. even turns to where klaus is pointing at ben and tells ben that he’s happy that klaus has at least one good sibling, that he’s happy to know ben is there. when dave knows ben is there he always greets him. it’s not anything that grand really but it means a lot to ben. and when klaus finally tells him about the time travel, a little later on, dave believes him then too. said it made sense because he always thought there was no way someone as incredible as klaus could’ve come from the same place as he himself - let alone the same time. it never seemed to.. fit) SO ben is a fan. and he stays by both their sides - keeping them alive as best he can - along with a few other ghosts who are coherent, previous members of the 173rd, who pass things on to ben when klaus is too high. they talk, as long as no one but dave is around - dave who adapts pretty easily to klaus holding a whole conversation with someone he can’t see or hear. and ben.. stays ben. the only thing being in the war really changes is the way he views their siblings and he now has one other live person that he can “talk” to. eventually, almost 11 months in, they find out they’re getting sent to the frontlines. even closer to the danger. and klaus has a bad feeling. this is when ben brings up the briefcase again, hesitantly, and before klaus goes off reminds him that they could take dave with them. if he wanted to go. klaus can return to their time, to relative safety, and still have dave. it’s no longer a ‘one or the other’ situation. all they have to do is get dave to say ‘yes’. he says it very quickly of course (if you think i’d let dave die you’re out of your goddamn mind) he can be tough and feral when he needs to be, when pushed if klaus is in danger but he isn’t a killer, he doesn’t want to be a killer, he wants out. but he also wants a life with klaus and while they talked about going back to the states in.. well.. dave’s time and getting a little house and all that - doing that in 2019 sounds much better. especially after the night klaus told him softly about how things were different for lgbtq+ people, how they could hold hands and be as out as they wanted. get married. adopt. all things dave spent his whole life believing he’d never be allowed to have. so they do it - right then. klaus pulls out the briefcase and they gather the few things they wanted to keep and in a bright light they’re gone. (maybe they said something, or goodbye, to each squadmate before leaving. maybe they didnt and it hurt but if they waited around to get through everyone it would be too late to run) AND OH!! they take the ghost soldiers with them / the ghost soldiers find them in 2019, because i’m a slut for klaus having good ghosts, friend ghosts, who - even if they died horribly, are still the same person they were alive. and maybe sometimes they look like their deaths and sometimes they can look normal - ben teaching the soldiers how to be ghosts?? including how to appear as you were; whole, no holes or blood or missing limbs or chunks of head blown off. they’re all grateful and so is klaus. tho listen: he still gets high because i fucking said so - however, at least until the world is saved, he sticks to cigarettes and - for sleeping purposes - pot, dave does as well. because dave isnt a square. maybe he sticks to that path afterwards. maybe not. i for one support everything except 100% sobriety 100% of the time in this instance  anyway: later on when klaus can make ben corporeal for any amount of time he wants ben tells their siblings about the real life romantic drama he got to watch close up, from their first meeting all the way to the return to 2019. he also mentions a lot of things about the war, the sights and sounds of senseless murder - something their brother and his boyfriend were forced to take part in - the wounds they had to deal with, heal through. klaus and dave definitely have some scars. the fear. and that’s after telling them about hazel and cha cha and the almost two days they had klaus and nobody noticed. (maybe klaus lets his siblings meet the other soldiers, maybe not. maybe he lets them wander the mansion corporeal to scare the shit out of people. who knows) ben wants to make their siblings feel bad. he wants them to hurt and feel guilty. it’s the very least they deserve he thinks, when it’s all said and done. he hasn’t been able to say anything to them for 13 years and he’s got a lot of things built up - but gotta say, the last year (five-ish days?? starting at ep.1) have really taken the whole goddamn cake. klaus is embarrassed and shocked and actually quite touched that little benny is really going feral for the first time - though he keeps trying to tell him none of it is a big deal. he doesnt like confrontation. dave however is extremely pleased by the whole thing. klaus kept saying he and ben would get along if they ever got to meet and he was right. ben had, with a serious face, dubbed them the klaus hargreeves love & protection squad (bc dave doesnt know what the fuck even a ‘meem’ is yet) and that’s that. they make up a handshake and everything. klaus has never felt so loved. 

aaand eventually klaus and dave and ben (because of course he’s invited) do get that little house away from the city - someplace with few to no ghosts. someplace they can make their home. they make sure it has a room they can make up for ben even though he doesnt sleep (he still deserves his own space. a place to get away from them if he wants. somewhere to put his books and such. ben doesnt get emotional about that at all. absolutely not.) and they get pets and klaus gardens and ben reads books about gardening so he can help and dave works (mechanic is always a good time. or bookstore owner!! coffee shop?? listen. those may or may not be my favorite aus) and maybe the siblings get to visit and maybe they mend things and bond or whatever idk THE POINT IS:: Ben is a good brother and i think the idea of him going through vietnam with klaus is interesting and if someone with more ideas/thoughts ever wrote this i would be on that like cheese on broccoli honestly. THE SECOND POINT IS:: Klaus and Dave deserve to be happy and have the life they dreamed about together and if they shared their home with anyone it would be the Bentacles SO… OKAY…  that definitely did it’s own thing but i really really genuinely love thinking about what those months would have been like with ben there - what he would have thought or said or done about things yknow?? and how that would have affected klaus/changed things. i didnt give a lot of examples in this because my brain didn’t want to stay on track (as if it ever does) but it’s 1:30 in the morning and im so fucking tired lsdfd;lk if you actually read this.. first of all: im sorry. second of all: thank you. and literally if anyone ever wrote something about this topic (not like.. this post specifically, just the ben in vietnam plot) and nobody important dies i’ll love you and give you a lil smooch on the noggin  s m ooch. smooches. you know who likes smooches?? klaus. you know who deserves smooches?? klaus. you know who’s getting smooches?? THAT’S RIGHT. KLAUS. because dave has a degree in giving them and he can’t let that education go to waste amiright??

this post.. may or may not have been brought to you by wine as well.. 

ope

[beatlesqueen1960s1970s]

Kid!Queen: Wish Upon A Star

Tw: Child Abuse, Child Neglect, Domestic Violence

7-year-old Roger stood on his tippy toes peering out the window he grabs onto the window sill to see better the window blew his hair it had to only be 10 at night. He sighs and looks up to the sky squinting, "When you wish upon a star. Makes no diffe'ent who you are. Anything your heart d-desires. Will come to you.." Roger sings softly gripping the window sill. He hears his father and mother downstairs having their famous police getting called arguments the whole house seems to shake when they argue. Roger has been wishing since he was 3-years-old, at least his singing has gotten better.

Roger whimpers and looks towards the starry night sky, his blue eyes sparkle seeing a nice shiny star in the sky it seemed to shine brighter than all the others, "I-I wish daddy will leave mama alone... I-I can't take her boo boos anymore.. I hurt.... I-I also wish for a p-prince t-t-to come and get me. I-I want to be l-like Cinderella!''

He heard a scream of pure agony come from downstairs followed by a sickening thud, "ROGER, COME DOWN HERE!!" it was his father's voice Roger shudders and grabs his favourite blanket the one his mother made him.

"It sounds like he had too much adult juice" Roger thinks as his little body scampers out the window his blanket tied around him like a cape. The chilly fall air makes him shiver and the makeshift cape flutters weakly, "ROGER!! I'M GOING TO SNAP THAT FUCKING NECK OF YOURS WHERE ARE YOU??!!"

Roger tears up, "N-No, no." his foot slips and he goes soaring off the roof he twists and turns in the air. Roger covers his mouth many thoughts run through his head like who's going to protect mama, who's going to cook dinner if he's gone, who's going to clean the house, who's going to hide daddy's bottles? Roger thankfully lands in the neighbor's bushes and he only has a few scrapes and bruises, he looks up to the sky a sniffling mess. He thought all about the times he's wished and wished for daddy to go away and he hasn't, all the times he wished for someone to come save him... And then it clicks for his young mind, "I-Its all lies." he kicks at the ground with his bare foot kicking up some dirt, "W-Wishes isn't real." he cries and runs.

He didn't know where he was running too. He just keeps a grip onto his blanket and flees into the night his tiny body shakes adrenaline racing through his small body still. He stops at the park where he stayed at so often to get away from the noise, to get away from world war three. Roger shudders and sits on the bench wrapping the blanket around himself, his feet a muddy dirty mess with grass stuck to them. The chilly air made him shivering and shake.

"H-Hey!" a light nearly blinds him and the blond covers his eyes a little scared,

"Hey watch where ya shine that!"

A boy with tan skin steps out of the wooden area a big clunker of a flashlight in his hands he was followed by a boy with curly hair that was getting to be neck length on him, "You're new." the tan boy says, he had to be roughly 10 or 11, looked starved and in need of a bath.

The curly haired boy peeks over his shoulder, "I-Im B'ian."

"R-Roger." the blond sticks his hand out wether he was blushing from the cold or the boy, Roger thought Brian was very pretty, like a girl. Maybe this was his prince and the older boy was Brian's servant.

"Im Freddie." the tan boy tells him butting in.

Brian rolls his eyes grabbing the flashlight from Freddie, "Come on lets take him to ou' place."

Freddie takes Roger's hand and holds Brian's free hand. They walk hand and hand through the woods Roger clutches his blanket tighter to himself the woods look scary the tree shadows look like looming hands about to strangle him like his father did. Roger feet starts to hurt from the sticks and rocks, he believes he's gotten cuts on them but Roger's feet were numb from the cold by now. As Roger takes in more kf his surroundings he realizes he's never been this deep into the woods before, and he saw some new creatures he never saw before, like an owl who flew away once they got too close. As Roger drifts into his thoughts he bumps into Freddie's back the three stood outside a abandoned looking hunter's cabin, "Y-You live here?" Roger asks softly kinda amazed.

''Me, Brian, and Johnny live here." Freddie explains as he "unlocks" the door was a wooden key, "Johnny we're home!"

A three or so-ish tot lays in a makeshift crib teddies and plushies surround him. He nurses on a green turtle theme paci he looks happy to see his friends are back but he looks weary of Roger.

"Johnny this is Roger. Roger this is Johnny."

Roger waves and Johnny clings to his plushies.

"Uh.."

"He has uh, Brian what's that big word again?"

"Aspergers." Brian tells him.

Freddie snaps his fingers, "Yeah, ass-burgers!"

"No it's asper-," Brian rolls his eyes, "Forget it.'

"You said ass!" Johnny's tiny voice pipes up.

"So did you." Freddie giggles.

Johnny gasps and looks offended at himself he cross his arms and pouts.

Brian giggles and goes to him, "Does someone want num-nums?" Brian asks picking up Johnny with a struggle.

The toddler nods and bounces in Brian's arms making it even harder for the 9-year-old to carry him to the kitchen area.

"Well welcome to our home. Hopefully you can stay." Freddie says slinging an arm around Roger's shoulders.

Roger felt his face blush and looks away, "Yeah hopefully."  He removes bis blanket laying it onto one of the hay beds. Roger looks at Brian and his wonderful curls, pretty eyes, charming smile and then to Freddie big ears, dark cat like eyes, and messed up teeth reminded Roger of a donkey off of Pinocchio. Roger determines his prince, it was going to be Brian. Roger thinks back on what Disney taught him, princes are tall, skinny, nice teeth, and are white. So Roger picks Brian to be his prince since Freddie can never be a prince.

Roger watches as Brian helps Johnny feed himself. The tot struggles a little the poor boy seems to shake a lot and always looks to be on the verge of tears.

Brian helps Freddie make a small dinner of eggs stolen from a farmer and stolen meat from the butcher.

Roger was coloring then he looks up at them, "Do you watch Disney?"

"I use to." Brian said, "Then things got bad.. But now I'm here!"

"Yeah me too." Freddie says.

"Do you think princesses have babies?"

Freddie looks to Brian amd shrugs, "I guess."

"If I ever have a baby I'll name them Sam or maybe Rosy, or maybe Greyson?"

Johnny pipes up, "JJ!"

Brian giggles softly, "If I have a baby I'll name them Nicole if they're a girl for a boy, maybe Micheal? James?"

"If I have a kid," Freddie pipes in, "I'll name them Oreo."

"Why?" Roger asks.

"Because I'm hungry."

The room goes quiet after that. They eat and clean up,  Freddie goes over to the corner of the room once the kitchen stuff is done.

"Come on lets get ready for rest." Freddie says pulling out stolen toothpaste and toothbrushes from a bag, "Its 1AM."

Roger gasps, "That's the longest I've ever stayed up!" he bounces on his heels and ignores his body pain.

They all brush their teeth outside spitting and rinsing with well water. It tasted disgusting to Roger but the other boys didn't seem to mind. Freddie held Johnny's head and forced his mouth open as Brian scrubs Johnny's tiny teeth, "This is the only way." Freddie tells a stunned Roger, "He's also got his first loose tooth. "

"That's cool, my daddy made me lose my first tooth."

Freddie and Brian look at him in stun silence and Freddie noted how empty Roger's mouth was of teeth.

Roger whimpers and hurries back inside the "cold becoming too much for him". The other boys come inside moments later, "Night night, Johnny." Freddie says tucking him in. Roger watches as Freddie sings the boy to sleep he had a amazing singing voice, maybe Freddie was looking for his prince too? Roger got to share a hay bed with Brian the boys share Roger's blanket along with a blanket Brian had. Freddie and John shared one too, John gets cold easily now and they couldn't have him getting sick again.

After Brian put out the fireplace and snuggles into his blankets, long after Freddie and John were fast asleep, Roger rolls over and faces Brian.

"Hey, Brian?" Roger asks softly hearing John and Freddie's snores.

''Huh?' Brian replies sleepy.

"I know we only met hours ago."

He could feel Brian's hazel eyes staring at him, "W-Will you be my prince?"

Brian cuddles up to him nose in his hair, "Sure p'incess." there was no teasing just Brian trying to be caring.

Roger snuggles into him and closes his eyes he kinda felt happy. "Maybe wishes do come true" Roger thought, "I did get a prince and daddy's gone.."

Roger felt warm lips kiss the top of his head, "Night p'incess."

Roger smiles and snuggles closer to him relaxing, "Night prince.'' and he fall asleep feeling safe for the first time in his young life.

[kdlovehg]

From the angsty-ish prompt you just shared: Everlark “It’s all YOUR fault!” “Don’t fucking touch me.” Can't wait to read your little brain concoction, I just know it's gonna be amazing! :D xx

I’m terribly sorry for not answering this sooner, considering it was sent ages ago. I hopped on Tumblr a few days ago and noticed this lil prompt chilling in my inbox and I’m in retail now so I thought I’d put the two together. Please ignore the misspelling of the F word, I don’t swear so I just prefer to write it this way. Hopefully, anyone who sees this enjoys it, and again, I’m always open to new prompts.

///////////////////////

Katniss pov

“Don’t fcking touch me” I growl, as his body looms over me, his arm nearly whacking me in the face.

“Well maybe if you’d finished the returns yesterday we wouldn’t be in this mess”. With a click, he hangs an orange dress on the rail in front of me.

I squat down and begin rifling through baskets for any more tops.

The plastic boxes scrape as he drags them across the floor behind me.

“Quit making so much noise!”.

“It’s all your fault!”.

“What did I do?.

"Look at this mess Katniss”, he snaps. I glance over my shoulder to see him tossing cotton pads and shoes out of one of the boxes. Hats and baby socks go flying, and stained pajama trousers litter the floor.

“As if that helped” I reply snarkily.

“How complicated is it,” he says, scrubbing his hands through his blonde waves. He turns around to look at me. “This was all organized when I left. There are tags on all of this junk, how hard is it to put it in the right box”.

“That doesn’t matter”.

“To you! I’m the on putting up with Effie when she’s telling me off cause she keeps finding swimsuits in the winter department”.

“Oh please”, I roll my eyes and get back to digging. “Effie loves you”.

“Take some responsibility Katniss, I can’t bail you out all the time”.

I drag three t-shirts from beneath some damaged makeup and I attempt to brush the brown stains off of them. Do people really think we can’t tell that they’ve bought something and worn it for weeks before returning it. You’d think if they’d try to scam the system they’d at least chuck the clothes in a bucket of water. I lift the shirts to my nose and gag. They reek of sweat. I toss them over the railing, into a box at the back of the fitting room. I’ll get Gale to reduce them later, surely some fool will buy them.

Peeta starts humming behind me and I’m bumped forwards as he squeezes past me.

I jump to my feet. This space is too confined for two people let alone the six rails of returns, dozens of boxes, and four or so baskets that have been haphazardly left spilling onto the shop floor.

I throw my arm out to stop him as he tries to go past me.

“That’s meant to be folded,” I say nodding towards the dad jeans in his hands.

“No”, he reaches into a bin of hangers and retrieves one. “Jeans are supposed to be hung”.

“Give it to me”.

“No”.

I reach for the denim as he lifts his arm up, his green employee shirt stretching thin to accommodate for the movement. He’s not that much taller than me and I could easily grab the leg of the trousers but I know he enjoys these childish stunts.

“See you’re the one wasting time now”.

“A please wouldn’t hurt” he grumbles.

I go to grab the jeans and he leans backward, holding them out of reach, causing me to retreat. No way do I want to be near him. I glance at my watch. 11 am. Has it only been an hour? I have three more till my first break. This is why I don’t do double shifts, I somehow always managed to get lumbered with the goody-two-shoes who seems to take up all the space with his muscular build alone. Why couldn’t they have put me with Rue. The petite little thing who always did what was asked and scuttered around like a mouse, so she was never in your way.

“Look at the sticker,” I say gesturing to the one stuck on the right leg of the jeans.

“It’ll crease” he pouts. I hide my half-smile at proving him wrong. He’s never liked not getting his way. It’s just a shame I’ve always enjoyed it.

“Fold it”.

He drops his arm and begins doing as I ask. “I have a name y'know”.

“Not like that” I interrupt, trying to grab it, “No, you’re doing it wrong! Fold it in half”.

“I’ll fold you in half”, he grumbles shoving past me. Clearly, he’s still upset that I avoid using his name as much as I can but what does he expect. I’m not here to make friends, and the less I have to talk to a six-month retail newbie the better.

I squeeze into a small room adjacent to the fitting room and begin stacking some of the boxes so that they’re ready for being dragged back to the correct department. After a few minutes, a voice calls from the shop floor. I peak outside my room and see his head pop up from behind one of the rails.

“Do you wanna help me put some of this back?” he says quietly, gesturing to the rail that loaded with returned bras and teddies. Of course, he wants help with the women’s lingerie. Twenty-six departments and that’s the one he chooses. I ignore the warmth in my cheeks and struggle to get over to him.

“Only so I don’t have to stay late with you again”. I grab a handful of the underwear.

“Aww but we had so much fun last time” he teases sarcastically, bumping into me again. I almost snap at him to quit touching me but I know that’s what he wants. He just enjoys getting a rise out of me, since I’d been the one to start this nonsense his first week here.

“I’ll start with the…”, he starts looking through the hanged lingerie and then he glances at the one’s in my hands, “non-wired bra’s, Katniss you can start with the push-up bra’s. I’m sure we’d both appreciate that” he teases, with a wink. I avoid his gaze and bite my tongue as he swipes two items from my hands, a bunch from the rail, and sets off.

The nerve of some people.

The nerve of him.

Stupid Mellark.

As the hour goes by we trek back and forth, sorting the underwear by size and colors, everyday use and special occasions. Each time he passes me he tells a few lines from a story, something that happened to him years ago. At first, I found it annoying, not only that he talked but that he’d tease you with a few lines and then leave only to do it time and time again but as the minutes passed I began to look forward to the words that’d spill from his mouth. Sure, he could just shout it. The store isn’t that busy since its a Monday morning; the children are at school, and the men are sleeping after working most of the night, and he’s only a few rails over most of the time but I let him play his game and tell myself that it’s only so I can hear the end of the story.

By the time half twelve has rolled around, he’s finished his anecdote, and we’re on the last few items for this department. My cheeks hurt from hiding my smile and I eagerly wait for the fool to start a new story. I’m sure he’s got a ton up his sleeve and he’s just waiting for the right time to voice them. I glance around at the silence, confused as to why he’s stopped speaking.

“Well say something” I implore, searching for any hint of his head. I return to the fitting room and peak behind each of the rails before returning to the shop floor. Where did he go? There’s no mess of the floor indicating that he’s found another task to do and I would’ve seen him if he’d returned for more clothes. I stalk around, confused. Having someone leave isn’t that uncommon, considering we’re constantly understaffed but having been around Peeta for so long I’ve grown accustomed to his heavier footsteps.

I startle as a hand lands heavily on my shoulder. I whip around, flinching as my braid smacks me in the face. “Where’d you go?” I ask breathlessly. How did he sneak up on me? I need to pay more attention.

“I found a bag behind some of the nightwear. It looked like someone forgot their shopping and it had some er, adult toys from one of the other stores. I figured I’d deal with it so you didn’t have to”.

“You’re not supposed to be in nightwear”, I scowl, “You’re supposed to be with me”. It’s only after I’ve said it that I realize how that sounds. I’d meant that since we’re both on returns we should be sticking together but I know that I’ve just given him another thing to make fun of me for.

I ignore the odd warm feeling that settles in my stomach when he grins at me. “Aww you scared of losing me Katniss?”.

I stay silent, embarrassed at my poor choice of wording. I’ve never been good at saying what I think.

“It’s okay”, he says gently as he steps back. I almost sigh in relief, grateful that I don’t have him so close to me. Not that I didn’t enjoy it. It’s just, distracting.

“I’m not going anywhere”.

I evade his eyes and nod in silence. What a fool I must look like.

A voice breaks out over the intercom and I recognize it as Haymitch, one of the more lackadaisical security guards. “Staff announcement”, he grumbles “Peeta to childrenswear, ya got some clothes to fold”. With a crackle, it switches off and I hear Peeta chuckle. He stretches and I avoid looking at how the material clings to him.

“Good timing hey, you get your quiet at last” he teases, as he heads towards the stairs. “Give me a call if you need anything alright Katniss”, he pauses and it’s only then that I realize he’s waiting for my response. I nod and murmur a “yeah” but he’s so far away I know he doesn’t hear me.

He stalls for a moment longer and gives me another smile before turning the corner and ascending the stairs to the second floor.

I stand still, the smile no longer on my face as I realize I got what I’d asked for. Now I’ve got a pile of work and the next six hours - including my break - likely on my own. No stories, no-one interfering with my space.

Just what I’d wanted, and yet, for some strange reason I just… I miss him. And I hate being so alone.

[thorne93]

Inside the Criminal Mind (Part 18)

Prompt: You’re married to Dr. Spencer Reid of the BAU, and are a distinguished doctor yourself on the team. You’re sent down to Miami, Florida for teaching and as a side request from the FBI, to investigate a string of missing persons. When you think you’ve figured out who the unsub is, your life becomes more complicated than you ever could’ve imagined.

Word Count: 3323

Warnings: (throughout the fic –>) death, blood, gore, killings, language, disturbing mental notions, mentions of rapes/murder/etc (You know, Dexter and Criminal Minds related business)

Notes: Thank you so much to @arrow-guy​​​​​, @carryonmyswansong​​​​​, and @mrs-dragneel-stark-solo​​​​​ - without each of you, I couldn’t have finished, written, or properly navigated this story. Each of you helped me fish out details that were incredibly important to me. Beta’d by @carryonmyswansong​​​​​ and @mrs-dragneel-stark-solo​​​​​… Aesthetic by @mrs-dragneel-stark-solo​​​​​

This is a crossover of Criminal Minds x Dexter. First time writing Dexter.

Also, the timeline is after Season 1 of Dexter, but during season 14-ish of Criminal minds into Season 15. Enjoy!!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Reid, what the hell?” JJ asked as she walked up from behind him.

“What?” he asked, turning around. 

“You put in an official request to not work with me?” she demanded, her face pinched with frustration.

“Yes,” he said matter-of-factly.

“Why?” 

“Because I don’t think it’s a good idea. At least for now. It’s putting a strain on my marriage and I think it’d be good if you and I weren’t around each other for a while.”

She frowned. “What, so you’re just going to quit the team or get me kicked off?” she asked, accusing him. 

“I’m merely asking Prentiss to keep us from doing assignments alone together.” He went to turn around but she followed him, still talking.

“You know, if you didn’t feel the same, you wouldn’t be doing this. If you’re so certain your marriage is fine, then being around me wouldn’t matter,” she insisted.

He stopped and turned to her. “This has nothing to do with me, or with Y/N. It has to do with you.” 

“Me?” 

“Yes, I don’t think I should work with you for fear it might fuel whatever fantasy you might have of me.”

She balked. “Uh, okay, it’s not a fantasy, Spence. I have feelings for you, and you have them for me.” 

“We’ve been over this, JJ. The only romantic feelings I had for you died a long time ago, and they have been dead since I met Y/N. The sooner you accept that, the sooner we can all move on.” 

“You know, the only time someone is worried someone is going to cheat, is when that person has already committed infidelity. Paranoia comes from a place of guilt, Spencer, remember that.” 

She began to leave when Reid called out to her. “What is that supposed to mean?”

She laughed slightly, almost a patronizing chuckle. “Oh, you mean you didn’t notice it? The way her and her friend from Miami acted?”

“Dexter? Morgan? The forensics guy? What about him? They’re friends.”

“You didn’t think she was a little too entranced with him? While you were missing, Spence, she and I had a fight in the bathroom. He pulled her out to take her for a walk. Next thing I know, I leave the bathroom and they’re huddled in a corner, whispering.” 

“She might’ve been confiding in him about the recent situation between you and me.” 

“Every time she needed something, she turned to him. Not to us. We’ve known her for years, and she barely spoke to us. Unless it was about the case and how to find you, she didn’t talk to us. She nearly fainted in the conference room and he escorted her out then too.”

“As I recall, you and I have leaned on each other quite a bit as friends, does that mean we’re romantically involved? What about Garcia and Morgan?”

She held up her hands. “I’m just saying. It seemed odd to bring him up here, and then she and him were never apart, and always whispering, always together. You did mention how you hadn’t heard from her for awhile…” With that, she left and Spencer was standing there, trying to decide if she was just trying to get inside his head. 

He thought about it, about the way you two moved around each other and looked around each other and there was some sort of secret, an intimacy there… But JJ couldn’t be right. You wouldn’t wait until you were down in Miami on a last minute decision to cheat on him… would you?

Well, you might if you thought Spence had cheated with JJ, he thought bleakly to himself. 

-----------------------------

The end of April was nearing, which meant you had about two weeks left of work in Miami, then it was off to D.C. to keep this up. You weren’t sure you could, or if you’d even be good at it, but at least you had the experience and maybe you could pick up a few tricks on your own. You’d have to work with Dexter on a disposal method once you got back here. 

Last night, you and Dexter had committed your third kill. He’d killed two in between yours. This was getting surprisingly easy. Knowing you were getting animal abusers off the face of the Earth, you were pretty happy with yourself. 

“So you’d never tell Deb, huh?” you asked as you sat on Dexter’s couch, holding a beer. 

“No,” he said emphatically.

“Rita?” you questioned with an eyebrow perch.

“No,” he echoed. 

“Aw come on, there’s got to be someone you’d tell.”

“I told you.” He tipped his beer bottle towards you.

You shook your head. “I figured it out. That doesn’t count.” 

“I don’t know. Why does it matter?” 

“Because, you are a fucking hero. Do you realize how many lives you’ve saved?” you asked, clearly impressed and excited.

“No, but I’m sure your husband could calculate it for me,” he said with a grin.

You smiled. “Yeah, he probably could.”

“He’s a really good guy. I see why you fell for him. He is very smart.”

“Intelligence gets me horny, every time,” you informed.

He laughed, leaning forward to put his beer on the coffee table. “Okay, might be TMI.” 

You gave him a bitch face. “Really, Dex? I’m not sure at this point in our relationship there’s such a thing as TMI.” 

He bobbed his head side to side. “Maybe not.” He took a breath before saying, “But I mean it. He seems to really love you. I can see it with the way he acts around you.” 

“Thanks… I hope so. I hope I haven’t lost him to JJ.”

“In my experience, people take what they want. He wouldn’t wait for her to tell him, and he definitely wouldn’t put the effort into trying to keep you if he wanted her.”

“Well what about you? You spend your life keeping up appearances, to make it easier.”

“Because I face the electric chair if I don’t,” he reminded sternly, his eyes dark with warning. 

You nodded. You often forgot that Dexter was in fact a serial killer, a sociopath. Even when you two were literally killing together. You never feared him. But sometimes, like just then, you got glimpses of the darkness within, and it reminded you of who he was, and what he was capable of. 

“In your case, Spencer doesn’t have to do all of that,” he continued.

“But what if he’s trying to keep both? What if JJ is just trying to keep her family together and Spencer doesn’t want to lose me too, so they’re going behind our backs and--”

“And thinking like that will drive you crazy. Knowing about it in advance doesn’t let you control the situation, Y/N, I’m sorry. I know you want to, but analyzing everything he says, does, or doesn’t do, won’t help you figure out if he has cheated or will cheat. Even then, you can’t control him. Maybe you thwart him one time, but if he really wants to do it, he’ll do it.”

“Gee, thanks,” you remarked.

“I’m serious. I know it sucks. I know it probably hurts, but you have to realize that working yourself up isn’t good either. Just… live life with him and be happy with him, until something concrete tells you not to be.” 

You peered at him. “See? Wise, and you clean up our streets. I swear, you should have a monument erected in your honor.” 

The two of you began laughing when a knock came at the door. 

“I’ll get it,” you informed as you hopped up from your seat. You went over to the door, still laughing when you opened it. 

But then your heart fell into your stomach when you saw your husband standing there.

“Spence?” you questioned, your pulse racing. 

“Hi, Y/N,” he said with no ounce of warmth.

“What--What are you doing here?” you stammered, wondering if he could hear your heart hammering in your chest. It was all you could hear right now, the rushing in your ears. 

“I wanted to see you. Can I come in?” 

You glanced back to Dexter who was already up and out of his seat behind you. You stepped back to let Spence in before closing the door and walking around in front of him. 

“What brings you down? Is the team on a case, or…?” you inquired, hoping he had some innocent reason for being here. 

“I just thought I’d come down to surprise you, but when I got to your apartment, you weren’t there,” he explained and your palms began sweating.

Man, you were shitty when it came to pressure. Well, when the guy applying pressure was your husband, yeah. 

“So, then I thought maybe you were at the college - I tried there, no luck. I tried the Miami PD, since I know sometimes you work there on the case of the missing persons. Then I realized, maybe, at 11 o’clock at night, you were at a friend’s. Asked where Morgan here lived and here I am.” He glanced over you to Dexter, a smile on his face. 

“Yeah, well I was just going so--”

“No you weren’t,” he said. “Your phone is on the table. Your purse is still in the corner over there, and you can’t stand to have a messy room, and there are two beer bottles opened on the coffee table.” 

“Right, I didn’t mean I was on my way out the door just that--”

“Just that… what? That you were upset about JJ so you started an affair to get back at me?” he asked and suddenly you realized what he was doing. 

For a moment, you thought he was onto you and Dex, your killings, but he was just jealous. This could be an easy fix.

“Jesus, why was I so blind?” he asked, more to himself than anything else. He ran a hand over his face. “I should’ve seen this. I should’ve been able to tell. I thought you two were just friends. It’s my own fault. I should’ve just told JJ that night I didn’t feel the same but instead I pushed you away. I was a liar. I didn’t mean to lie, but my actions caused you to go for another man… It makes sense now. How distant you were becoming, how infrequently you called. I just thought you were getting busy with finals but now...” His eyes shifted from you to Dexter, still standing still as a statue behind you.  

For a moment, you just chewed the insides of your cheeks. You let Spence believe you were a cheater, because that was better than the alternative… right? 

“How long has it been going on?” he asked.

You just looked at him, guilt and sorrow in your face. Your insides were churning hard and fast.

“Spence… we aren’t having an affair,” you informed slowly.

“I don’t believe you,” he finally admitted. “The two of you act like you have something to hide. You did in Kentucky too. The way you move around each other is more than friendly. Now tell me the truth or we’re over, Y/N.” 

Those words. That threat. Suddenly the idea, the thought of letting Spencer believe you could actually be unfaithful to him hurt a hell of a lot more than the idea of a prison sentence. 

“If it isn’t cheating, what is it? Because you’re hiding something. I know it. I may not be the best profiler, but I know my wife. Something is bothering you, something between you two, so what is it?” he demanded, frustration in his tone. But you knew where that frustration came from. You knew that anger lied in a place of love. He thought you were betraying him in one form or another, and he was hurt that you didn’t trust him any more. 

And that killed you.

Lying to him was easier when he wasn’t directly asking you why you were around Dexter. 

“You’re running out of time to tell me why you’re here at almost midnight, Y/N,” he stressed. “Is this because of JJ? Did you think I cheated so you wanted to get back at me? That doesn’t seem like you, but you’ve been colder, and more distant, I don’t know what else I’m supposed to believe--”

"Dexter's a serial killer!" you blurted out. Spencer's face morphed into total confusion and you decided to elaborate. "We both are. I've been studying him," you quietly stated. For a split second, you felt relief, but then a flood of anxiety and dread hit you, waiting for Spencer to react.

You hadn’t ever thought about how he would react. You never thought you’d tell him. You never thought you’d get caught. At worst, you assumed you’d be caught by the FBI or the police, get arrested, and Spencer would never see you again.

But telling Spencer face to face? He could pull his gun and just shoot you both - he probably wouldn’t, but he might. He could call the FBI without hesitancy to arrest. He could turn around and walk out of your life forever. 

“You… you’re what?” he stammered, his eyes narrowing as he shook his head. 

“You heard me,” you stated. 

“If this is some kind of sick way to get me to believe you aren’t cheating--”

“It’s not. It’s the truth,” you informed, glancing back to Dexter, apology in your face before turning back to your husband.

“What the hell do you expect me to do?” Spencer suddenly asked, looking at you, all intimacy gone from his eyes. 

You could almost physically feel your heart cracking in your chest at the look in his eyes. 

“I… don’t know. Maybe give me a chance to explain?”

He took a deep breath. “Okay, fine. Explain this to me.” 

That surprised you. You honestly thought he’d be calling the local FBI to take care of this. 

“Dexter kills murderers. He does thorough research on people, finds patterns the cops missed, and he takes them out. He never hurts kids, and he has to prove to himself that beyond a reasonable doubt they are killers,” you informed slowly. 

At this, he glanced back to Dexter. 

“Is this true?” 

“Yes. My father was a cop who showed me people fall through the cracks of the justice system and he wanted a way to right that wrong. He showed me a code and I follow it.”

Spence looked back at you as you started to explain more. “I discovered him when I was looking over the missing persons case. Half of them were in the criminal system, the other half led relatively perfect lives. I knew there was something wrong with that picture. Between profiling Dex, the victimology, and investigating some on the missing persons, I approached Dexter.”

“Why didn’t you turn him in?”

You let out a slight sigh. “Because Alan Rochester had just been released. Another one in the long list of people who have wealthy lawyers in a shitty judicial system. He got away, and he’s out there killing again. When I found out Dexter stopped killers… I couldn’t help but talk to him. At first, I just wanted to interview him, and possibly let him go. But then I realized… I wanted to help. I have so much rage and frustration and sorrow for all the families and cruelty that goes on the world. The violence we see that never gets justice and it just keeps going on. I wanted to… get my hands dirty. I wanted to help clean up the streets.”

“That’s what your job is for, as a federal agent,” he reminded angrily. “Did you forget that? You have broken every vow and oath you’ve ever taken, for what?”

“To save lives! The system doesn’t work, Spence! You know that!” you shouted. “They either get let go on trial, or they’re out of jail in ten years, ready to commit again and I just couldn’t see that happen again.”

“So you’re telling me you’ve killed people in cold blood?” he asked, incredulous. 

All you could do was nod. 

 He ran his hands over his hair and turned around. “I don’t believe this. Jesus, Y/N. You realize what you’ve done?”

“Yes. I’ve stopped several monsters from hurting helpless animals. I’ve assisted Dexter in making sure Miami has one less murderer. Tell me where that’s bad.”

“Because that’s not what we do!” he cried out, taking a step towards you, clearly in pieces. “We arrest them, we get them in the system, and we hope for the best.”

“Oh, like the system that let that psychopath Cat Adams manipulate guards and get you into jail? That system? She shouldn’t have been able to touch you, and you were framed for murder, Spencer.”

“I remember, I was in prison,” he stated darkly.

“Then you of all people should understand why I did this.” 

“I wish I could. But this is beyond anything I can comprehend.”

“Really? You did some shady shit while you were in prison, as I recall.”

“I did that to survive. This is different.”

“Look me in the eye and tell me you’re actually upset that those pieces of shit are gone,” you challenged. With that, Spence just gave you a steely look. “I’m not saying you have to agree with it, but you can’t pretend you’re totally against it either. We’ve all thought of doing it.” 

“Right, thought of, we didn’t act on it. That’s what separates us from the criminals.” 

“I like to think hurting innocent people is what separates us. Maybe if you knew what kind of horrors these ‘victims’ committed, you’d know we aren’t the bad guys.” 

“Wait, why didn’t he just turn them in, then? If he has all this evidence of killings, why didn’t he just show his sister?” he demanded.

“He’s… he’s not psychologically capable. Sure, he can turn him in, but his father -- He’s got antisocial personality disorder. With or without the code his dad gave him, he will kill anyway. At least this way, it’s people who need it. Not to mention he doesn’t exactly gather all of his evidence in a legal way.” 

He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. “I have no idea what to do right now. Part of me says to turn you both in. Part of me says to just walk away from this whole thing, and let you live your life down here in Miami.”

“No, Spence, I--” You reached towards him, it was pure reflex, but he pulled away and that felt like hell to you. 

“I can’t deal with this right now. Okay? I just… I can’t. I’m going to go back to your apartment, and you need to be right behind me, before I change my mind,” he ordered. 

“I am. Let me just grab my things.” 

He didn’t nod, smile, or even look at you. He just turned and left, slamming the door on the way out. You immediately ran to Dexter, wanting to hug him or apologize, or…. Something.

“Dexter. I am… I am so, so, sorry. I didn’t mean for this to happen. I know I should’ve lied but… I know Spence, and he’d leave me for infidelity.”

“And not for being a serial killer?” he inquired, a little sarcastic. 

“I don’t know. There may be hope. I know this puts you in a horrible situation. I never wanted you or me to get caught.” 

He nodded, his face oddly soft. “I know. But if this is how I go down, then… it’s not so bad. I see how much you love him, and if this is what you need to do… it’s what you need to do.”

You smiled before nodding and rushing to get your things. You ran out the door, a final sorrowful look at Dexter before shutting it behind you. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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[purplesurveys]

1006

(found at xxbieberburnham)

“The rest of your life”

Are you independent or dependent? Dependent as all hell. I’ll put my foot down on very certain things, but most of the time I prefer hearing input or suggestions from people I trust. I definitely think it’s something I still have to work on because I know I’ll have to be mostly independent at some point.

If you could put your life into a category, where would it go? I feel like this would be easier to answer if you gave a list of categories. I don’t know what kind of insight you’re looking for.

How many animals do you have? I have two, but I call them pets.

Are you popular? Idk and I don’t care. All I know is I don’t actively seek to be so.

What time were you born? 9:11 in the evening.

Have you had any candy this week? Yeah, I had a gummy worm this morning. Mom bought a box of Halloween-themed sweets and there were cupcakes had gummy worms on them alongside marshmallows designed to look like a tombstone.

Are you more afraid of tornadoes or hurricanes? Hurricanes are terrifying, but I’m used to them. We don’t get tornadoes at all so I’ll not only be unprepared for those, but would definitely be more afraid of them too.

Do you like those nerd glasses? Sure, I still think they’re cute and look good on people but I never called them nerd glasses lol. Mine are kinda shaped like one.

Have you ever been in a fist fight? Nah, I’d be wiped out pretty fast.

What color is your house? A light shade of beige.

When was the last time you saw a rainbow? More than a year ago, I’m sure. It was during our ride back home from a journalism workshop, which if I remember correctly was all the way in Cavite. Goddamn we traveled a lot for those workshops.

Have you ever ate a crayon? I’ve never bitten off a piece but I’m not ruling out at least licking.

Ever rode in a helicopter? Nope. Would love to.

Do you like rabbits? Sure.

Do you like mushrooms? For the most part I don’t even think they taste like anything, so I never really had a problem with mushrooms.

“It’s like you step into the room and just press play”

What was the last movie you cried at? That Thing Called Tadhana. I had watched it five years ago after my first breakup; I got to go to Sagada shortly after that breakup, so that movie was actually very therapeutic for me at the time because it allowed me to release my feelings the way Mace did, also in Sagada. Now I’m stuck at home and can’t travel and that movie just hurt too much to finish.

What ice cream flavor best describes your personality? I don’t really...pair ice cream flavors with types of personalities.

Would you rather work for a small or large company? Large, because I feel like I’d be challenged more in those and thus learn more. Also it just looks nicer on resumés, if I’m being honest. Smaller companies are ok too but I prefer those that already have a rep for churning excellent results and having a good track record for workplace culture, like the company I’m currently working with.

Where's your favorite place to buy clothes? Ukays. I used to not like them, but my mom and sister did a great job reeling me in and making me see the appeal.

How many languages do you speak? Two.

What was the worst movie you've ever seen? Me Before You was such a waste of my time. Predictable, cheesy, and typical asshole-guy-softens-up-over-time-oh-and-just-as-you-start-to-root-for-him-we’re-gonna-kill-him-off. But idk, I was with friends who were into movies like those and I wanted to support them, so I went along to watch.

What video game have you played the most? Cumulatively, pretty sure it’s Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas.

What was your favorite TV show as a child? I was a Nickelodeon girl and Spongebob, Fairly OddParents, and My Life as a Teenage Robot were my top 3, with Jimmy Neutron closely trailing at #4. I loved Disney shows too but wasn’t really able to appreciate them as much until I got a little older and could understand their humor better.

What's your favorite sport? My answer won’t change - if it counts, pro wrestling. If it doesn’t, my next favorite is table tennis.

If you were given a brand new yacht, what would you name it? Nothing creative is coming to me at the moment.

Do you believe there’s life on other planets? Yes. Maybe not the ones in our solar system, but those out in the distant universe for sure.

What was the worst place you ever traveled to? Can’t say I’ve truly disliked a particular place we’ve been to. I will say that Chinese people have a...culture that I’m not used to, and I did not enjoy touring with a bunch of them during my cruise. They had buffet habits that I would consider unhygienic, they would sit at the same table my mom and I were eating at if there were available seats(??????? imagine if I just sat beside you at a diner while you’re having lunch?), and apparently it’s acceptable for them to actually look you in the eyes and point directly at you if they’re talking about you with other people. It was honestly a lot to put up with for six days, and the only reason I didn’t lose my temper was because my dad works in the ship and I didn’t want to cause him any trouble.

What is one thing you’re really bad at? Making art.

Do you believe in angels? No. I like referring to my grandpa as my guardian angel, but I don’t actually believe in angels.

Would you rather be a famous actor or musician? I know I’m awful at either, but I’d much rather act.

“where have you been all my life?”

If you could have invented one thing, what would it have been? It’d be cool to come up with something that ends up being widely popular and/or beneficial to society, but do it accidentally; like how popsicles came to be. Imagine building a legacy from your own oopsie lmao sounds like a pretty good deal to me.

What's your favorite exercise workout? I don’t do workouts.

What's your favorite thing to do? Wow, very straightforward. Hmm these days I’m slowly inching back to wrestling, so I’ve been watching compilations and documentaries and doing some catching-up here and there. Lately I’d say that’s my favorite thing to do, but that can always change.

What did you do for your 17th birthday? Gab and I went to Pinto and she brought me to Filio after. Then I got back home to see what Athenna had done to my room while I was out, which was to cover the floor with balloons and the walls with printed photos of Zayn Malik.

Does your local Wal Mart have benches in them to rest? First, we’ll need to have local Wal-Mart stores here.

Was your favorite stuffed animal really a teddy bear growing up? I never liked stuffed animals, so I didn’t even have a teddy bear.

If your house was haunted, what would you do? Not fuck with the ghosts/spirits.

Are you crazy in love currently? Not crazily, but in love.

Are you good at swimming? I can tread and do several strokes, but I also tend to panic so I think that eliminates the concept of me being a good swimmer.

What's worse: Slow internet or slow walkers? Slow internet. I can get around slow walkers; but unless I have mobile data, slow internet is out of my control for the most part.

What is the rudest thing a guy has ever done to you? I can’t pick between whistling at me, catcalling me, lunging at me, or flirtatiously harass me in front of his friends while I was minding my goddamn business carrying a goddamn box of cake at the mall. Yeah, not a very big fan of men.

Do you sleep with the sheets tucked in or out? Out.

What do you do to fall asleep faster? Put on a YouTube video and let autoplay take over.

Do you carry a bottle of water wherever you go? Yeah I used to, until I lost it.

Ae you afraid that one day you might get cancer? The fear of the possibility is there, but it’s not predominantly in our family history and so I’m more afraid of other issues I have a higher chance of getting, like high blood pressure.

“Letters to Juliet”

Are you a fast or slow walker? Fast if I’m running errands, slow-ish if I’m out for leisure.

Do you usually have to wear a belt with your pants? No.

Does it bother you when people's underwear hangs out? Kinda. Even more when their crack decides to show up too.

Are you usually the person to try new things with your hair? No, I am one of the last people in line when it comes to that.

When's your birthday? April 21st.

Do you own a bobble-head toy? Nopes.

What color was the towel you used to dry off with today after a shower? Turquoise.

Has anyone ever walked you home? I’ve had someone drive me home. Walking isn’t really applicable here.

Have you ever liked someone and they were taken? That’s never happened to me.

When was the last time you went fishing? In my past life, maybe.

True or false: You've read the book Lord of the Flies? False.

Have you heard of the band Yellowcard? Yes.

Have you ever seen the show Teen Wolf? I’ve seen an episode and oh my god it was so boring.

Do you have any quotes, lyrics etc on your walls? I used to until my mom took it down while I was in school. I made it myself, so it stung.

Are you a fan of Star Wars? No.

“Our parents never let us cross the street, but we did it anyway”

Has anyone ever told you that you have nice hair? Whenever it was actually nice, yeah. It was never my best feature though.

What brand of camera do you own? I have...an iPhone, if it counts, ha. My old DSLR was a Nikon.

Is there something you're not looking forward to? The next day. Having to go through rounds of anxiety is not enjoyable.

Have you ever read the book Thirteen Reasons Why? Have not read the book nor seen the show, but have read enough of the premise to know I am not a fan.

Do you wear white pants? Sure, I have a pair of white jeans that I absolutely love.

When was the last time you were really angry? Yesterday. My sister and I were ordering KFC from a food delivery app and no driver was taking it because drivers in that company are notoriously picky bitches about their destinations. They kept canceling our orders and at some point I had enough and proposed that we just get Pizza Hut, this time straight from the Pizza Hut website, which has always worked out for us before. So Pizza Hut confirms the order, calls me up and says the ETA, so far so good. Around 15 minutes later the doorbell rings and it’s...KFC? With our original orders? Apparently that stupid ass app took our order anyway after repeatedly canceling it, and I never got one fucking notification that our order was received. Tried to cancel Pizza Hut but they said they had already started making the pizzas, so in the end we had to pay for both meals. I had never been so angry.

Have you ever made a 3 pointer in a basketball game? Hah, of course not. I’ve barely made one of those free throws that are worth one point.

Do you think you look better with your hair up or down? I’ve gotten more compliments whenever it’s up, so that must look better on me even if I personally don’t necessarily agree.

Do you warm up before you hardcore exercise? I don’t exercise, but isn’t warming up recommended anyway?

Do you want a pair of Converse shoes? Not really; I suppose they’re alright. It’s not my favorite brand in the world, but I wouldn’t turn down a free pair either.

Are you more of a studs or hoops type of person when it comes to earrings? Hoooooooooops for days.

How many shirts do you have of your favorite band? Just one. I’m not a band shirt person.

Turn on the TV. What channel are you on? There’s no TV in this room.

Have you ever wore a tie before? Yeah, as a kid my mom sometimes made me wear neckties. They made me SO uncomfortable I was having internal breakdowns about being seen in public. I was 7 years old. Neckties to me were a boy thing and I felt 0% boy; and so it gave me such serious dysphoria. It’s like making a boy wear a pink tutu even if he’s already visibly distressed. Whenever I told my mom I felt uncomfortable, she would just tell me it “looks good.” Jesus Christ. Why did no one ever drag my mom to a parenting seminar? Did no one seriously see the signs???

What did you have for breakfast this morning? Garlic rice, bacon strips, and glazed ham.

“For the Krusty Krab”

Are you good at art? Of course not.

How many times have you read your favorite book? I don’t have one.

Name one thing that you really hate. Raisins, on their own and incorporated in a dish.

Have you ever tried walking on stilts? I haven’t.

Is there a war that you find interesting? Eh, not really. So many of historical accounts are bombarded with war narratives as it is, and I’ve just never really found disputes or tensions among countries to be the most interesting part about history. Plus women were mostly absent, and that makes it even more boring.

Would you rather live in the city or country? City.

Do you think $7 is too much for a movie ticket? Not always. $7 or ₱350 is actually pretty reasonable if you wanna see a movie at an upscale mall; people who watch movies in places like that shouldn’t be complaining about movie tickets that cost that much. But all movie theaters are the same anyway - pitch black, freezing, comfy chairs - so I just go to midscale malls where tickets would be like a hundred bucks cheaper since it’s gonna give me the same experience anyway.

Would you like to be a newscast person? For a long time I thought I wanted to be one because that’s what my entire family was rooting me to become. Eventually I realized reading from a teleprompter, interviewing guests, and asking questions to reporters is not a career I want.

Do you like word searches, coloring or crosswords better? Word searches, then coloring, then crosswords.

Close your eyes and press a random key on the keyboard. U.

How many William’s do you know? I don’t think I know anyone. It’s too foreign-sounding a name.

What time did you wake up this morning? I woke up at around 6 AM, but I fell back asleep immediately and woke up again around 30 minutes later.

Do you enjoy crutches? ...No? That seems a little insensitive for people who actually need them.

What's better: Snapple or Arizona tea? Arizona. It’s because I’ve never had the Snapple one, but tbh Arizona is already pretty delicious anyway.

Make a word out of the word: Dinosaur. Round.

“she said I love this song, I’ve heard it before”

When you were younger, did you play with legos? Yes. I was never a creative kid, but I liked playing with them anyway.

Do you like Trix cereal? It was only my absolute favorite cereal as a kid, no biggie.

Do you get nervous easily? Ugh, yes. My parents asked me to get water containers from our local water station last Saturday and I literally had to allot like two hours to brace myself and make a script in my head. I constantly rehearse shit nearly every time I have to go out of the house.

How long is your Facebook password? I’m not sharing that.

Do you like the movie Mean Girls? No, I didn’t find it funny the first time and that made me uninterested in giving it a second chance.

How do you want your wedding to be? Big, grand. Lots of friends, lots of food. Not Catholic/Christian.

Have you seen the movie or show Catfish? Nope.

Do you hate it when you arrive to something early? Not usually. Being early is my goal in most situations, unless I’m headed to like a party.

Have you ever been on Omegle? A few times as a teenager.

Are you still in love with one of your exes? Yes. It’s not going away for a while.

Do you think it's attractive when guys wear beanies? I don’t necessarily seek out men with beanies lol but I don’t think it looks bad on them either.

What's something that makes you feel shy in public? Unfamiliar situations.

Do you like the shows on MTV? No.

If you could go back and relive one day, what day? That last Friday I was in school before the lockdown happened. If I knew what the next eight months were going to look like, I would’ve stayed much longer in school, dragged my friends out to drink, blew my money on food, had more fun basically.

What's one word you hate to be called? Exhausting. Like being told I’m exhausting to be with. How does that not hurt?

[kayteewritessteve]

If Only You Knew - 2/19

Description: You arrive home one day to find a wedding invite for two of your best friends from high school. You knew this day was going to come eventually, but even with that said, you weren’t prepared to return home. At least not after 7 years of avoiding Buckhannon, West Virginia. Or rather, avoiding him; your ex-best friend and the secret love of your life. But maybe it was finally time to face your past, to face him, and everything else that happened on that horrible night. Who would have knew that your prom would end up being a total disaster, and the very last night you’d spend in Buckhannon for the next 7 years? you certainly didn’t. That’s for sure.

Catch up HERE.

Word Count: 4,940 ish.

Pairing: Modern!Steve Rogers x Reader.

Rating: 18+

Warnings: Violence. Drinking. Possible triggering thoughts, feelings and emotions. Moments of bullying and harsh name calling. Lots of curse words. And a very sloooow burn.

A/N: I sadly don’t own any of these characters. And no beta reader, so I do proudly own all the errors and this story, so there’s that.

January 2018.

Steve found himself sitting in his squad car, thermos of coffee in hand, waiting once again on his lifelong best friend, his brother, his partner of 5 years, to hurry the hell up and get in the damn car.

Every morning Steve would get up at the crack of dawn, go for a run, shower then get dressed in his uniform. He’d attach his badge to the pocket on the front of his dark blue, near black, shirt. Then head downstairs to make coffee. Once he had his to go cup all filled and his shiny black shoes on, he’d go outside, hop in his squad car and drive over to Bucky’s to pick him up. And every morning Bucky would come barrelling out of his house, 10 fucking minutes late, with his shirt untucked and only buttoned up half way. It was like clockwork.

And this morning was no different. Scratch that. It was worse, actually. Steve glanced down at his watch then sighed. Buck was now 15 minutes late. So Steve honked the car horn, hoping it would hurry him up. And it had clearly worked, as the front door flung open and out stumbled Bucky, pulling on his police shirt as he did. He was only in his socks, as his shoes were held in one hand, while he ran across the frost covered front lawn and jumped into the passenger seat. Shit eating grin gracing his cleanly shaved face.

“You’re late,” Steve sighed as he put the car in gear and pulled away from the curb.

“Not by much,” Buck replied nonchalantly as he buttoned up his shirt, and lifted his butt off the seat in an attempt to tuck it into his pants.

“Dude, late is late. Doesn’t matter how much.”

“Sure, okay. I’ll give you that one,” he said as he pulled on his shoes and quickly tied them up then sat back up in his seat and put on his seatbelt. “But, I have a valid reason for being late today.”

Steve could see Bucky’s stupid smirk in the corner of his eye, it was impossible to miss. He sighed again then shook his head, “You always have an excuse, Barnes.”

“No, but this time I actually do.”

Steve took his eyes off the road, for just a second, to glance over at his best friend, raising an ‘I’m sure you do’ eyebrow at him. Then turning to focus his eyes back on the road, “well, let’s hear it then.”

“You’ll never guess who RSVP’d to the wedding.”

“What does a wedding guest have to do with you being late?”

“Because the RSVP came in last night but we only got it this morning. Nat was too excited and needed to talk about it. This is big, Steve.” He shook his head, “No, bigger than big. This is fucking huge!”

They were now sitting at a red light, which was lucky for them, as Steve’s head involuntarily snapped over to look at Bucky. “No,” he said slowly, “Are you talking about who I think you’re talking about?” He gapped at his friend.

Bucky over eagerly nodded his head, “Fucking Y/N Y/L/N. I shit you not.”

Steve slowly turned his head back to the road, realizing the light was now green. Not entirely sure how long it had been green, but that was the last thing on his mind right about now. Y/N consumed every one of his thoughts in this exact moment. Though, if he was being honest, she was always a constant thought in his mind, all throughout the years.

“Steve..?” Bucky asked hesitantly, “You okay, buddy?”

He just nodded his head, a little to aggressively but he wasn’t exactly all there at the moment. Even after 6 ½ years he missed her like she had only left yesterday. Like it was still a fresh wound that was in the beginning stages of healing. But true guilt does that to you, it sticks with you forever, like a rain cloud looming over you, even on the sunniest of days. But it wasn’t just guilt he dealt with over the years. Yes, guilt was a part of it, but it was also barely even a blip on the radar of all the other emotions he had felt since that awful night…

July 2011 - 6 ½ years ago.

He just stood there, dumbfounded and frozen, watching as she stormed off. Their fight playing over and over again in his head. Or more specifically, the 3 little words she had uttered before she walked away. ‘He’s all yours.’

He couldn’t move. Couldn’t even comprehend how he was feeling in this exact moment. That’s the last thing he had ever wanted, the polar opposite, actually.

Half way through their fight he had decided to say ‘fuck it’ to Madeleines ultimatum and just tell Y/N the truth. The whole truth, including why he had taken Madi to prom, instead of taking her like he had originally planned to do.

He had loved Y/N from basically the first moment he met her. When he had slammed into her in the hall, knocking her and their books to the floor, that first day of grade 11. Which was also her first day at his school. They had both quickly started to collect their books and straight up head butted each other. It wasn’t pretty, but when he finally looked up at her to apologize, he found himself speechless at just how pretty she was—

Bucky’s hand on his shoulder snapped him back to reality, and everything that had just happened hit him like a freight train. He shrugged off his best friends hand and spun around on Madeleine, anger coursing through him. She was still standing near him, arms crossed and a smug smirk on her lips. That only pissed him off more.

“We aren’t fucking dating anymore!” He snapped at her, effectively removing the smirk from her face, “And you fucking know that Madi. You only said that to hurt her, and that’s one of the many reasons why I’ll never take you back.”

“Oh, so you’d pick that fucking loser over me?” She scoffed and stepped closer to him. “I’m the fucking cheer captain and the most popular girl in school, Steve.” She reached out to touch his arm, “And you’re better than her. You’re the captain of the football team, you should still be with me! She’s a nobody—a loner. She’s nothing compared to me.”

“You’re wrong,” He ripped his arm away and glared down at her. “You’re the nobody, Madi, and you’re nothing compared to her! She will always be better than you, she is kind, compassionate and beautiful, both inside and out.” He shook his head, “All things you aren’t. And never will be. You’re a bully, and a horrible fucking person. And I regret ever dating you. Let alone letting you blackmail me into taking you to prom.”

He knew he was probably going too far saying all this. And normally he would go out of his way to never deliberately hurt someone, especially someone so clearly as self conscious as Madeleine was. But he was far too pissed right now to actually care. And he was well passed the point of giving a fuck how Madi felt. She had always been a fucking bitch to Y/N, and he had only stayed friends with her for the sole purpose of being able to wrangle her in, and lessen the blows to Y/N. He had to interfere damn near daily, though Y/N never knew any of that. She only knew the few times he hadn’t been able to step in, before Madi got to her.

“Who the fuck do you think you are, talking to me like that!?”

“Oh, I duno, Madi. Maybe the same fucking guy you just finished saying should still be dating you?” He laughed, though there was no humour in it then shook his head. “I only stayed friends with you for Y/N’s sake. But I’m done with that now. I’m done with you. Tonight was the last fucking straw, Madeleine. I don’t want anything to do with you, ever again. And just so we’re clear, as obviously you’re a little dense, that means don’t talk to me. Don’t wave at me on the street. Don’t even fucking look at me.” He went to turn away then stopped, “Oh, and lose my fucking number.” Then with that he spun around and stormed off towards his jeep. Hearing Sam yell, “Oh! Fucking mic drop!” as he did.

He had refused to have a single drop to drink all night, as he wasn’t a big drinker to begin with, but the second he saw Y/N walk into the prom on Brock’s arm, he decided to stay completely sober. Just incase. Brock wasn’t a good dude, he was a piece of shit actually. One that treated women like objects, and there were a lot of rumours, ones of him forcing himself on drunk girls at parties. Steve was not about to let Brock pull that shit with Y/N, not on his fucking watch, not with his fucking girl—Granted, she wasn’t actually his, but like hell if he’d let anyone else have her. No one deserved her, not even him. She was to good for anyone in their school. Hell, she was to good for anyone in this town.

As if it was fate, or just sheer luck, on the way to his jeep he saw Brock standing just off to the side. Watching everything that had just unfolded with that stupid fucking smirk on his face. As Steve approached where Brock was, he reached out and shoved him back as hard as he could. Knocking Brock down on his ass, as he continued on to his jeep. The action didn’t even slow Steves steps in the slightest. “Keep your fucking hands to yourself tonight Brock, or I’ll finish what I started earlier,” he warned.

“Steve,” He heard his best friend yell as fast footsteps chased after him, “Wait up!”

But he didn’t stop, he needed to go talk to Y/N. Tell her the truth, the whole truth.

He reached his jeep and went to open the drivers door but a hand landed on it, stopping it about an inch from the car, then slamming it shut again.

“Get out of my way, Buck!” He spat as he turned to glare at his best friend.

“Not until you tell me what the fuck that was back there,” he gestured with his thumb, back towards where they had both just come from.

“Not now, Bucky. I have to go talk to Y/N.”

Just then Nat, Sam, Wanda, Hilde and Clint all ran up to the pair. “Where’s Y/N?!” Clint asked as he looked around.

“What the fuck was that all about?” Nat asked as she looked between Bucky and Steve.

Steve groaned loudly, “Guys, I don’t have fucking time for this right now!”

“Then make the fucking time,” Brunnhilde spat back at him as she crossed her arms.

He shook his head, “Not now, I have to go talk to Y/N.”

“Oh yeah? And what are you going to say to her?” Bucky questioned.

“The truth. All of it.”

“What?!” Sam gaped at him, “Actually?!” He looked around at their friends, clearly to see if anyone else had heard the same thing he just did. Or, if they were just as shocked by it as he was.

All of them knew how Steve felt about Y/N, they told him all the time to just tell her, but Steve always so damn stubborn and responded the same way every time. Either, ‘Now isn’t really a good time’ or ‘I will when I’m ready’—But the truth was, he never felt good enough for her.

He was terrified that if he did tell her the truth, and she didn’t feel the same way, it would ruin what they had; their friendship. And not having her in any capacity was not an option. He’d rather them just be best friends, rather than to not have her in his life at all. And even though his friends never believed his excuses, they had never, and would never, have gone behind his back and told her. Trust was big to all of them, and they knew Steve would tell her himself, one day, when he was ready—Though, most of them had lost faith, a long time ago, in him ever being truly ‘ready’.

“Yes,” Steve sighed, “Actually.”

“Although it’s about damn fucking time, punk,” Bucky laughed, “She passed me on her way out, and she was fucking pissed, pal. I mean pissed,” he emphasized. “She didn’t even look at me, I don’t think she even noticed me standin—“

Nat cut him off and glared at him, “What Bucky is trying to get to, is, we’ve never seen her that mad before,” she turned to look at Wanda, who nodded then spoke up for the first time since they had all got to his jeep. “Yeah, and if you go there right now, it will just end up in a bigger fight.”

“Much bigger fight,” Hilde emphasized.

The four girls were like one entity most of the time. They always sided with each other and were like a damn tag team. If you were ever on the receiving end of something they felt strongly about, you’d better be prepared to fucking lose. Because they would not back down, and they would have you ‘seeing it their way’ in no time—It was fucking infuriating.

“Yeah, the ladies have a point,” Clint added as he nodded. He usually always sided with the girls, Steve figured it was because he was terrified of them. Of being on the receiving end of their anger. They were like wolves, they travelled in a little pack and ‘attacked’ together. The boys had actually nicknamed them exactly that. ‘The wolf pack’. The nickname started about 3 months after Y/N had joined their little group, and the girls had first started teaming up together against the boys.

“Steve, seriously man, she isn’t going anywhere. Just give her the night to cool off then go talk to her tomorrow. Once you’ve both had a chance to think more clearly,” Sam tried to reason.

But there was no reasoning with Steve right now. However, he was smart enough to know they wouldn’t back down, so he’d have to lie. Which he didn’t like doing, but it was the only way he’d be able to get away from them, to get to her.

He sighed, “Yeah, I suppose that’s the smartest idea,” he reached for his drivers door handle. “I’ll ah, I’ll talk to you guys later, I just want to be alone right now. I. I need to clear my head.”

Bucky narrowed his eyes at him, most likely trying to judge if he was lying or not. Steve just stood there, unwavering, with a blank expression on his face. Hoping that Buck wouldn’t see through his deception.

After a few seconds, Bucky sighed then went to step back from the door, but paused mid step and put both his hands on Steve’s shoulders, “If I hear you went over there, punk—Which I will, don’t doubt that for a second,” he looked him dead in the eyes, “I’ll fucking kick your ass, for her.”

It took everything in Steve not to burst out laughing right then and there. Buck would never actually hurt Steve, they always fought side by side, not against—Though that’s not to say they had never come to blows, because they had, and a few times at that. Just as most teenage boys did, over this, that or the other. All things that neither of them could even remember after a few punches. Things that really didn’t matter in the grand scheme, but had pissed one of them off enough to start throwing fists around. But they all ended the same way, instant surrender. Be it from either below one of them, or from within a headlock given by one of them. It really just depended on who had originally started the fight, who was actually mad, in those moments.

“Got it, jerk,” he patted his best friend on the shoulder, “I’ll leave her be for tonight.” It was another lie, but he’d happily take the consequences of it later. If it came down to that.

Buck smirked, obviously proud with himself then actually stepped aside this time. Steve opened the door to his jeep and climbed in, starting up the engine once he was. His friends all said some form of goodbye or waved. He waved in return then put the jeep in reverse and backed out of the spot.

A few minutes later he pulled up in front of her house, putting the jeep in park as he killed the engine and climbed out. He walked the same route he had hundreds of times before, going around the back of the house to climb up onto the roof; the one between the first and second floors. Getting up on the roof wasn’t hard for him, he was abnormally tall for a high schooler, or as she put it a ‘fucking giant’—Which was a new thing for him, he used to always be the smallest in his grades, at least during elementary school. But then the summer before high school he hit an insane growth spurt and shot up like a weed, plus bulked out. No one even recognized him at first, as he’d been away that whole summer. ‘Returning looking like a damn linebacker’, as Sam had said. But he still wasn’t ‘roof height’ tall, so luckily for him there was also a back deck with a wood railing, giving him that little extra oomph that he needed to actually reach the roof. He hoisted himself up and made his way towards her window. Just like every other time.

Except this time was different. He went to pull the window up and—nothing happened. That, was a first for him. It was locked. She never locked it. He didn’t even know it had a lock. He knocked lightly on the window but didn’t see any movement inside. He cupped his hands on the glass, and peered in to look a little closer, but saw her bed was empty and still made up.

“Where is she?” He mumbled out loud to himself. And then made his way back off the roof and around the house. Yes, he was currently being a fucking creep, but he needed to talk to her. He walked up onto the front porch and looked into the living room window. His eyes landing on her curled up on the couch, passed out. He just stood there, trying to decide if he should knock on the door or not. She looked so peaceful, which was surprising after the night she’d had. She could never sleep after a bad day, or night. At least not without venting to him about it first.

He sighed. Realizing he couldn’t bring himself to actually wake her up now. He hung his head and then spun on his heels, heading back to his vehicle. He climbed in and pulled out his phone, opening their text window. He started to type a message to her but then quickly erased it. Only to do the same thing over, a few more times.

He groaned in frustration. She had been right, he had ignored her for almost two weeks. But it was hands down the hardest thing he had ever had to do. If only she knew just how many times he had found himself in this exact spot. Staring at their text window, typing something up to then delete it entirely before ever sending it. If only he had told her before, told her the truth earlier. Or if he had found a way to tell her 2 weeks ago, when Madeleine had first approached him. Then maybe none of this would be happening right now.

His thumbs moved quickly over the screen, typing ‘Y/N, I know I said it already but I really mean it. I’m so, so sorry. Please just give me a chance to explain everything. To tell you the truth. That’s all I ask.’ Then he hit send, then quickly typed another message, ‘So, just text me when you wake up. I’ll bring over breakfast and we can talk, okay?’ He hit send again, then looked back up at her house for a moment, before starting up his jeep and heading home.

He got home and stomped up the stairs to his room, completely ignoring his parents asking him how the night was. He walked into his room and slammed the door.

“That fucking good,” he said aloud to himself then kicked off his shoes, and stripped down to his boxers.

He dropped himself unceremoniously down onto his bed backwards, one arm went behind his head and the other clutched his phone on his chest. Sleep didn’t come easily for Steve that night. He tossed and turned the whole time, any little noise waking him up and he’d check his phone each time, hoping to have a text from her. Only to find a few from his friends but that was it.

He woke up a little later then normal—for him, obviously his horrible sleep had affected him—and instantly started trying to reach Y/N again. He called a bunch of times and texted even more, but to no avail. So he texted Nat to ask what he should do now, and if he should go to her house or not. Nat replied telling him it was probably best if he just waited till she responded. That maybe she just needed a little time and space, and to give her that. He sighed then hopped in a cold shower, taking a little longer than usual, but he really needed the wake up.

Once he was done he got into a pair of sweats and a t-shirt, as he desperately needed his morning run. Steve ran every morning, no matter where he was in the world, or how tired he was. Running was his release, the fastest way for him to clear his head. His personal stress relief. He decided it would be best to just leave his phone at home this time. That way he would give her some time without his constant pestering.

So 2 hours later—normally his runs weren’t ever that long, but clearly he needed it today, as he was way more stressed out then normal—He walked in his front door and headed upstairs, taking the steps two or three at a time. He grabbed his phone off his bed and—still nothing from her.

“Fuck this,” he mumbled to himself then ran back down the stairs and out to his jeep. He climbed in and headed to her house, once again.

He quickly pulled up to the curb out front of her place, barely getting the car in park before he jumped out. Then ran up her front steps and knocked on the door, but after a few minutes of no one answering he knocked again. Still no answer. He stepped back and looked around, seeing her dad’s truck was gone. He pulled his phone out of his pocket and hit the ‘1’ on this keypad, then hit call. Yes, she was the first number on his speed dial list. She had actually bumped Bucky out of that spot within mere weeks of them becoming friends, but he’d never tell Buck that.

He put the phone to his ear—but it didn’t ring. It didn’t even go to voicemail. Some random ladies voice told him the call couldn’t be completed. He pulled the phone away from his ear and glared down at it. Then tried to call her again. Same outcome. He tried a few more times, but they all ended the same way. He sat down on the top step of her porch, he was going to sit here till she got home. He was going to talk to her, whether she wanted to or not.

An hour went by and neither her nor her dad came home. He finally picked himself up off the top step and walked back to his jeep. He climbed in and stared up at her house, just like he had the night before, then he put the jeep in drive and drove home.

It wouldn’t be till later that night that he’d finally learn where she was this morning. After attempting the whole day to reach her, but neither his calls nor texts would go through.

So when all 6 of his friends showed up at his front door, frowns plastered on all their faces. He knew it was going to be bad. They’d told him then that she had left for the summer, gone to Boston to stay with her Aunt Carol. And that the reason he couldn’t reach her was because she didn’t want to talk to him, not yet at least. And to just give her time.

He wanted to chase after her, to get in his jeep and drive the 11 hours up to Boston, but he had no clue where Carol lived, nor was he able to ask Y/N for the address. So instead he listened to his friends finally and gave her some actual space. Not like he actually had a fucking choice.

But then days turned to weeks, weeks to months, and months to years. Yet, even after all that time, she was still a regular occurrence in his mind. Like she had permanently set up shop in his head and no matter how much he tried to move on, or forget her, he just couldn’t. She always remained, like there was no one else in the world. And maybe for him, there wasn’t. Maybe she was it for him, and he had just let her slip away.

January 2018.

“Hello,” Bucks hand waved in front of Steve’s face, “earth to Steve.”

“Huh?,” He shook his head and turned to his best friend, “Sorry, what were you saying?”

“Jesus christ, punk.” It was Bucky’s turn to shake his head now, but for totally different reasons. “You have been zoned the fuck out for like 5 minutes now.”

Steve furrowed his brows then looked around, they were now parked outside of the police station. Clearly Steve had gone full auto pilot, and somehow managed to get them to work in one piece. “5 minutes?” He asked.

“Yeah,” Bucky looked at him weirdly, “5 minutes since we parked, but more like 10 all together.”

“Shit,” Steve sighed, “I’m sorry.”

“You would have been if you’d killed me,” he joked then went serious again, “Why is it every time someone mentions her, you straight up go into limp mode?”

Steve scoffed, “I do not.”

“Yeah, you do,” he shook his head again, “Every. Fucking. Time,” he emphasized for effect.

“First off, I don’t. And furthermore, shut up and get out of the car, jerk. We’re already late enough thanks to your slow ass,” he said as he opened his door, climbed out then shut it and headed towards the building.

Bucky climbed out of the car as well, “You can deny it all you want, but you do. It’s a fact.” He caught up to Steve and walked beside him, “And I’m not slow, I told you why I was late. You know how Nat is. Whatever she wants, she gets, and this morning that was to talk about,” he paused, and Steve saw in the corner of his eye as Buck turned his head to look at him, a smirk on his face, as he slowly added, “Y/N.”

Steve froze, coming to a complete grinding halt in the middle of the walkway.

Which only caused Bucky to burst out laughing, “What did I tell ya! Fucking limp mode!” He put one hand on his stomach and the other on his knee as he bent over to laugh.

Steve just glared at him then reached over and shoved him, causing Bucky to damn near fall over, “Shut up, jerk.”

Bucky quickly regained his balance and stood back up, “You’re just pissed that I’m right,” He dusted himself off, then scoffed, “and who even shoves people anymore?”

Steve just continued to glared at him for a moment then abruptly turned and headed towards the front doors of the station.

Bucky once again running to catch up to him, “she’s gonna be here in 6 months,” he said.

Steve ignored him and pulled open the door, not bothering to hold it for Bucky, and it damn near slammed into him.

“First off, rude. Secondly, you gonna finally tell her the truth?” Bucky asked.

And again, Steve just ignored him and headed over to his desk, politely greeting the few people he passed along the way. With Bucky following close behind.

“This is your chance pal, you gonna take it?” Buck asked, as they reached their side by side desks.

But Steve, once again, just ignored him.

He could feel Bucky glaring at him now, but he didn’t turn to him, or answer him. He just turned on his work computer and began his morning routine of logging on, and going through his emails.

“Are you seriously going to ignore me all day?” Bucky asked, clearly frustrated now.

Yet again, Steve just ignored him.

Bucky groaned dramatically then turned to start up his own computer, “This is gonna be a long fucking day.”

And he was right. It was.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

@hopefulmoonobject @harlequinash @itsstillnotwhatyouthink @tessvillegas @boxofteenageideas @wangdeasang @giggleberts @casuallydarktiger @theonelittleone @agentbadbitch @ratwrites @starrystellars @bandsandanimefreak @rockyroadthepastryarchy @lovvliies @cuffski @icesoccerer @alwaysright4 @lilsthethrills @imdiegohargreeves @zombiepotterfour @mu-mu-rs @ledandan1244

[dontvapeonthepizza]

My dad has brain cancer and i dont know how to move forward.

Hello, my name is Marie, I am 20, and im currently losing my shit in my bathroom at 11:15 at night because i don't know what to do or where to go or how to process any of this.

My dad was diagnosed with a glioblastoma in october. It was rather sudden - the symptoms arose in days and he went to the hospital after 4 days of vomiting and vertigo. The diagnosis came and he had surgery to remove most-ish of the tumor three weeks later. Its ruined everything.

Hes not the same person. Hes so aggressive and hurtful. He can barely get out of bed most days and walks with a walker now. He struggles sometimes to hold things without his hands shaking and dropping them. He yells, gets frustrated at the strangest things, and thinks everyones out to get him. He used to be so loving. So funny. He was so popular with his workmates before. Now, when they call to ask about him, he yells at his phone to "shut the fuck up" and refuses to answer it. He ignores his dog, who used to be his best friend. He used to love the outdoors, and now he keeps the blinds closed and says he doesnt give a fuck about going outside. He stares at the wall for hours in complete silence. My mom is in pieces. Hes been so cruel to her, torn into her over and over and over until shes been reduced to a sobbing mess. Insults, yelling, spitting everything he says at her. She flushed her wedding rings and drinks heavily, worsening her already bad drinking habits.

Hes been given a year to live. Maybe more, maybe less, but i don't know what to do with this information. I feel like i live with a stranger and so does my mom. He used to be my best friend. Now im just some bitch who "pecks him" to take his medicine. (he perceives every interaction we have with him as us being aggressive and snide, no matter what we say).

How do we do this. Where do i go. We have a treatment team of doctors and he starts chemo in three days. But i feel so lost. It feels like hes already died, hes so different. My heart aches. I cry every single day. Im so tired and so beaten down watching him deteriorate like this. Day after day his attitude gets worse, he refuses to walk more, he takes 6 hours to "feel like" getting out of bed to take a shower. His manners have disappeared. My dad was never any of this. I dont know who this man is. And every day he looks at me like im some....thing. like he doesnt even know me. Like im some distant disliked coworker....even though im his daughter, his "little girl", the one he used to take on "daddy daughter days" when i was little, days where we would go to lunch and watch the birds at the lake and hang out just the two of us. He would sing me irish lullabies when i was very little.

Ive lost him. I dont know what to do. I want so badly to help him, to make his pain go away, to make him happy again. I want him to feel the sun and feel alive and happy. I want him back. I know he'll never come back..but i want to ease his pain and the doctors and even the on site psychologist have explained to us that theres essentially nothing we can do but stay strong and stand by him. To me, that goes without saying, ill never leave his side or give up on him. But right now all i know is that it hurts so much and i dont know where to go or how to heal or even feel anything after this.

I guess what im asking is...has anyone else experienced this? What did you do? How did you cope? What are your tools that help you get by everyday? Ill do anything. Ill take my own arm off to make him happy. To make things right again.

[dnpsuck]

once you get around to listening to lover what did you think !!! im v curious on your opinions about it heh

thank u for wanting my opinion. i thought i was gonna make it a brief review thingy but i cannot be brief for the life of me. i’m sorry. anyway,

i’mthankful it’s a long album because based on me! i knew i’d like it. not thatme! is a masterpiece or anything but it’s brighter and more fun than herprevious era which i Did Not like. i know reputation is, taylor swift history-wise, important. it’san album she did no press for and allowed the songs speak for themselves and i really like this idea and the sentiment behind it, i’m just Not A Fan of the execution. edgy taylor swift doesn’twork for me. don’t blame me slaps tho. i’ll probably compare these songs to alot of reputation, sorry.

anyway. loveris a more colorful album and probably my favorite pop album from ms. swift, i’m not good at like. Grading things so i won’t be like ‘this is a 8.5 kind of album’ cause like. i don’t know numbers? what you need to know is that it’s a good album. let’s gowith the tracks:

may i add that this is not coming from a taylor swift fan, however i have several friends who are into taylor swift so it’s hard not to get the slightest 2nd hand interest. 

i forgot that you existed: was excited as soon as it started! theproduction is lighter and less dramatic. i feel like contrary to reputationwhere she was kind of obsessed with the people who hurt her and betrayed her inthe previous years, this song is a nice way of letting go. a nicer, yet stillkind of shady, revenge by being like. Oh. You Mean Nothing To Me Anymore.

fave lyrics: “it isn’t love, it isn’thate, it’s just indifference so.. yeah.”

 cruel summer: the chorus…. amazing! i remember reallydisliking her reputation singles, especially “ready for it” because it was veryunnecessarily dark and, again – in my opinion – dark and edgy doesn’t work fortaylor swift.  BUT, rfi had that chorusthat escaped the intense beats and kind of went back a little to her 1989 eraand it’s the one thing from the song that i actually tolerated. and i feel likeall of cruel summer is song that fits the melody of the rfi chorus better thanrfi itself. does that make sense?

fave lyrics:the entire bridge but especially: “i don’twanna keep secrets just to keep you” and “i love you, ain’t that the worst thing you ever heard?”

lover: 11/10. fucked me the fuck up. it’s a song aboutlove that isn’t a still-too-fresh-and-uncertain love, or some angsty love. it’sjust love. she’s properly in love and is singing about it with somuch care and certainty. it’s a happy song about the one she loves and how could i hate it? bestsong in the entire album. probably my 2nd fave taylor swift song ofall time

favelyrics: “with every guitar string scar onmy hand” so much is being said in this one fucking line. i absolutelyfucking love it. the fact that this song was 100% written by her is a big plus.

the man: honestly was kinda stressed about the kind of discoursethis one could cause, especially cause of the lack of addressing the whitenessof it all but idk. this is her ownexperience so how much can we ask from her? and also in many ways this feels like 5years late but i’m not gonna complain about this. better late than never (andshe has addressed sexism in her songs before so it’s not like she’s just starting at feminism). she’s made severalpoints w this one and it sounds good. 

favelyrics: the part where she’s like “what if i was bragging about the models i’mfucking?” cause like. girl is aware of aspecific group in her fandom and i appreciate the little nod (it being real ornot)

archer: love the lyrics. this was like. the 3rdsong from this album that she released and i was So Relieved to actually SEEsongwriter taylor swift coming through. it’s a great song about self hatred andreflection, etc. but i’ve listened to it enough times to know i’m gonna be skippingthis one when i’m listening to this album. 

favelyrics: “screaming ‘who could ever leaveme darling?’ but who could stay?”

 i think he knows: the chorus and her vocals… *chef’s kiss*. loveit. cute crush song. more mature yet fun style that works for her. 

fave lyrics:all of the chorus.

miss americana: i get it, i see the politics of it all but. i’mgonna skip it. soz 

favelyrics: “my team is losing, battered andbruising i see the high fives between the bad guys”

 paper rings: YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSS. again, pure,happy, bubbly, unashamed love. a love bop that i adore. 

fave lyrics:“i like shiny things but i’d marry youwith paper rings / i hate accidents except when we went from friends to this”

corneliastreet: it’s a nostalgic song that i can’t decide if it’s exactly abreak-up song or not. i like to think the “sacrednew beginning / that became my religion” lyrics are a nod to her bestreputation song aka don’t blame me. i’m so-so on this one but it’s definitely notbad, don’t think i’ll be skipping it for now. 

favelyrics: “that’s the kinda heartbreak timecould never mend / (…) and baby i get mystified by how this city scream yourname”

 death by a thousand cuts: eh? it’s nice and soft and sad-ish but. idk.not right now - since the album is still pretty fresh to me - but i’ll probablystart skipping this one eventually. 

favelyrics: “you said it was a great love,one for the ages / but if the story’s over why am I still writing pages?”

 bondon boy: i am so sorry for every londoner that had tolisten to this one. i could hear it being offensive as soon as she startedsaying those words. it sounds nice and fun but jesus christ taylor. it’s likesomeone from her label said “you gottamake it clear you’re fucking that joe dude or your album won’t sell” andtaylor immediately googled ‘british slang’ and wrote this song. 

fave lyrics:“but something happened i heard himlaughing / i saw the dimples first and then i heard the accent” i’m asimple phannie. i hear the word dimples i think of dan

soon you’ll get better: bro. was not ready. you can hear thepain and fear in her voice. the chorus kind of reminds me of “never grow up”(aka my fave taylor swift song), etc. the sad, almost hopeless addition of “cause you have to” is so heartbreaking. it’sa personal and gorgeous yet sad song, and she goes back to her country roots for this one,so that’s nice. absolutely beautiful. 

fave lyrics:hard to choose but “you like the nicernurses you make the best of a bad deal / i just pretend it isn’t real / i’llpaint the kitchen neon, i’ll brighten up the sky / i know i’ll never get itthere’s not a day that i won’t try” i hate, hate, the notion ofromanticizing a sad and scary situation like this one, and i think i understandthis as less of romanticizing and more of sympathizing with, cause i’ve alsobee in this situation with my family – but because it was just a few days agothat phil revealed his father’s battle with cancer, i couldn’t help but thinkof him too and how much he must have feared for his dad while still trying to keep it together for everyone around him.

false god: love the sax. i know i will fully love thissong at some point. i know it. i’m just not there yet. i like the parts when she has torush her words. i’ll get there with this one. 

favelyrics: “they all warned us about timeslike this / they say the road gets hard and you get lost”

 you need to calm down: fun, boppy, cute. i get what shewas going for and appreciate it. it’s a more carefree pop song and i’m okaywith it. not unskippable though. 

fave lyrics:“and i ain’t tryna mess with your self expressionbut i’ve learned a lesson that stressing and obsessing bout somebody else is nofun”

 afterglow: i don’t know yet. probably one i’ll skip. notbad, i don’t think there’s a song in this album that is necessarily Bad, butthis one is just not really memorable. 

fave lyrics:don’t have one actually. soz

me!: definitely not a masterpiece BUT introduced usto this era which is probably her best pop era. i loved the absolute changefrom the reputation era, bringing back colors, bringing back fun, introducing amore politically active taylor swift, etc. i also like the idea that she knowsthat this is not her best work but she knew that if she was gonna make a catchyradio friendly pop song, she’d make one that’s about self love, etc. 

fave lyrics: i’m a simple girl, “me e e e, o o o oh”

 it’s nice to have a friend: this folk-y vibe? works? is thisfolk? sorry if im being dumb. but it has a lonely vibe, it’s kind of really sadin a way, but it’s lovely at the same time. 

fave lyrics:“something gave you the nerve / to touchmy hand”

 daylight: a song about letting go and forgiving herselffor her past mistakes and learning to focus on the good parts of her life, morespecifically her lover. like new year’s eve was to reputation, this is a nicesong to wrap this album. 

fave lyrics:“you are what you love”

[fulldreamsahead]

Cold Feet Cold Body

So we have our players, 3 girls and two boys. In my dream they did not have names so I will just retroactively give them names that I think fit them. My name is Maria. My female friends’ names are Tina and Janine. Tina is a dyed blond with her roots showing, she likes to do smokey eyes but never really washes away the rest of her makeup correctly and it always ends up looking a bit too smudged. Janine is a yes girl with a big mop of curly black hair on her head and warm-toned skin, she is always beautiful and on point. I never get to see myself but in snippits of movement I can see I have dark-ish skin and thick dark colored hair. Our men are Travis, a man who looks like Adam Devine in a Anders Holm-style hat, and Jared his associate, a man that is tall and jacked.

Our plot begins with me being invited to be a bridesmaid at Tina's wedding. We’re living in a relatively metropolitan area that is skirted on all sides by farmland (much like DFW) and her dream, even though she has NO REALATION WHATSOEVER to the country, is to have the ultimate country wedding. She has always liked the idea of barn raisings and such. In her wedding preparations she has become a 'country girl' and even adopted a slight southern twang even though she is from California born and raised. I find this detestable but am very polite and smile through the fields of fake. I want to believe Janine is my guiding light, I try to take her aside to talk about it but in dipping my toe into the water I realize that she cannot even tell the difference and is just elated to be maid of honor. I am at a loss. While preparing for the wedding realize the most perplexing thing; I have not met or heard of the groom, a man by the name of Timothy. For some reason I find it weird that no one is allowed to slang it to Tim, his visage seems too elegant and I am suspicious. Timothy is apparently loaded and rents us out a mansion-like air bnb in the middle-of-nowhere farm country to do our wedding preparations. The wedding itself will be held at a neighboring farm, ONLY 20 miles out and the preparations there are going smoothly. The groom and the groomsmen will be staying at that location, but it is not as updated as our location, and he wanted us to be pampered and have a girls spa weekend prior to the Sunday wedding.

  On Friday morning we arrive, I park and find mysterious Timothy helping his beloved move all her things into the air bnb. It turns out he is actually my high school boyfriend TIM who dumped me after cheating on me with some 'skank' at a party. I found out via an old friend Bernice, who had been at the party and showed me photos of him macking on some blond chick in a skimpy pink tube top and then taking her into one of the bedrooms. We do a flashback of the scene and me dumping him while pouring an entire route 44 over his head. Back in the present I make pleasantries with him. He doesn't seem to remember me but I am not surprised. It's been about 11 years since then and we only dated a few months in freshman year. Tina giddily grabs his arm to officially introduce us and of course Janine asks the stereotypical question of “how did you guys meet?” It turns out that Tina was the 'skank' at the party and we have another flashback revealing so. She refers to the 'me' in the story as 'some bitch' that she gladly stole this hunk away from. She says they lost touch after their one night stand but then by fate they met up again about 6 months ago and the sex was 'just as good'. I am furious, I have been friends with Tina since high school. I know for a fact she knows what I went through, she was with me while I was ugly crying in the high school bathrooms. I am already on edge when she brings out a dog. A big fluffy husky who turns happily at the sight of his owners (Tina and Timothy). My fists clench. That is my dog. This is where it gets really strange, apparently. I lost my dog earlier that year having a bad time (maybe there can be a bad year montage at the beginning of the movie) and Tina offered to help me look. She was the one who insisted that I finally give up after about a month, but I was heartbroken nonetheless. I mention that out loud that he looks just like my Archduke Ferdinand. I can see the cracks in her glass smile as she says “oh hun, not this again, I just loved your sweet pooch so much I had to get one of my own! Is it too soon?” She turns to Timothy to ask him to take the dog with him and I insist it's ok. I have a sure fire way of figuring it out, I just need a moment alone with the dog. After hauling in the rest of the belongings, I say goodbye to TIM much to his discharge.

  We spend the rest of the morning setting up the house and taking stock. There are some farm animals in the house and, while from the outside it looks like a regular old fashioned country two story, on the inside it is a totally decked out fully modern gorgeous property. The backyard has endless greenery rolling up to a crashing wave of cedar forest lining the property. There is a gnarly hundred-year-old oak tree on the eastern half of the property. As Tina is setting up her expansive makeup collection in the bathroom and Janine has decided to lay down on the couch and take advantage of cable, I met up with 'Fluffykins' in the yard. When I had Archduke Ferdinand, I had him micro-chipped. Out here in the middle of nowhere I can't actually get it checked to see if he’s mine but I do remember that he was mistakenly micro-chipped in his butt instead of his back due to his eagerness. I doubt anyone else would make a similar mistake. He follows me eagerly (remembering me?) and I go to investigate a local shed on the property. Opening the door looks like a scene out of a horror move; you see my silhouette power stance in the doorway of the dark and cobwebbed palace of yard instruments. While a stud finder can't identify any microchip information, it can ping you to its location in the dog. A quick swipe over the butt and I hear the ping. I drop to my knees and shed a few tears and hug my dog. He struggles and licks my face in confusion. After I am able to recollect myself I am furious, the rages of Satan burn in my eyes and we have a montage of some stupid things that Tina has done to me over the years. “Oh yeah, those bangs totally suit you!” “No girl that dress does not make you look fat.” “Oh honey, there is no way a man can resist a girl with frosted tips.”

  Oh why did I let her go with me to the salon more than once. This 'bitch' has been ruining my life for years and I am done. I breath in, sigh, and Ferdinand follows me out of the shed and I lock up shop. I go inside and put on my customer service smile and greet Tina who whines at me and asks me where I have been. I tell her that I was just getting some fresh air and she makes a note about how she doesn't want the humidity to throw off my hair because we all have to look in sync. The corner of my mouth twitches but I stay focused.  I ask about food options and she sighs haughtily saying she couldn't get the host to feed us so we are going to have to send someone to go get food. I offer quickly and she thanks me with a fake sickly sweet sound. Everything about her looks like a cracked up doll: the eyes too big, the smile too painted on, and I can't take it. I go down to a local 'grocery store' or shall I say dollar mart and pick up what can be turned into meals for us for the weekend. This is where we meet Travis and Jared. They are bumming it in the back of a pickup in the parking lot, drinking monster energy drinks and doing chew. I put my bags in the car and approach them. They begin to puff out their chests like birds to hit on me and I stop them right in their tracks. “Hey fellas I have a fucked up idea, want in?” They deflate immediately and seem a bit scared of how abrasive I am. I tell them the gist of what is going on and Jared is particularly passionate about taking another person’s dog. I thank him and I ask him if they could pull a little Texas Chainsaw Massacre and come over to scare the shit out of the girls tonight. That will teach Tina to be in a place she doesn't understand and crack her fake-ass exterior. They seem reluctant so I offer them each 50$ and they are in. The plan is they go at the house Strangers style, with no intention of actually entering the house and we will disconnect the phone lines prior. I make a mental note to unplug the girls’ phones and tamper with the lock screens to keep the brightness on so they lose battery and we are 'trapped'. They understand their limits and not to hurt anyone and we are golden. I give them the address and we are set. 

I return with the food and Tina nitpicks my choices while Janine makes the best of it. The rest of the evening is uneventful, while Tina complains that she wishes she had catered a sushi platter to us instead of the burgers we were forced to eat because the meat goes straight to her non existent flat ass. As it gets dark I put my phone plan into action and convince the girls to watch a horror movie to really set the mood. We watch Friday the 13th and at 11 p.m. the fun begins. I hear the boys shit truck putter by on the highway, they honk just driving past the house to alert me that they will be parking down the road and on their way. The movie still has 15 minutes and this could not have been planned better. As the movie winds down the boys make it to the property. First they disconnect the power. The girls scream in the dark and I follow suit, I’m a pretty good actor after years of putting up with Tina's bullshit. As we head as a group for the breaker box outside the house, a light hung just above the small scary shed to make it even more erie is still on and tall Jared is standing under it in a mask. Tina is terrified and runs back inside the house, Janine pulls on my should and screams we need our phones. We run back in, lock the door, and the girls run for their cells phones finding them all to be drained and dead. They also cannot seem to find the cords to their chargers. Tina immediately blames me for my shitty unpacking for some reason and I snap at her in the heat of the moment that her dumb-ass fiancee must have misplaced them! Janine is crying, poor girl, she does not deserve this but she is an innocent bystander in what must be done. Ferdinand is pacing by the back glass door whimpering. Tina asks him what's wrong. He barks and a sickle shines just right and scratches down the glass. The girls freak out and run around the house. Tina makes a beeline for a neighboring bedroom instead of the master for some reason. Meanwhile the boys are laughing outside about what a good job they are doing, they are over in the barn with the other animals laughing about why a sickle is even on the property. “Are they harvesting wheat like the slavery ages?” Travis has a great idea to let the animals out and Jared is skeptical, he doesn't want them to get hurt. Travis says “Why would they? It’s a closed property. They'll probably just run amok.” So Jared agrees and they open the barn and all the cages. The horse runs out first and they snicker about which windows they should harass next. 

Back in the house shit gets real when Tina pulls out a fucking gun from the top of the extra bedroom closet on the second floor. Both Janine and I are twice as on edge. “When the fuck did you get that?!” Janine asks (a huge anti-gun person). Tina says “Shut the fuck up Janine, you know they could have stopped Sandy Hook if the teacher would have been armed.” Janine is furious and Tina loads the gun and holds it loosely in her hand, the two of them bicker and I am panicking. I have to tell the boys to get out as soon as possible this has gone tits up and that is when I here a smash of glass downstairs. Tina takes front position and we all get dead silent. I panic realizing we never set up a safe-word and knock over a decorative vase in the hallway. Tina pivots the gun at me and I shout a little too loudly for her to GET THAT FUCKING GUN AWAY FROM ME, hoping to alert the boys and also scolding myself remembering that I told them specifically not to come inside the house. We reach the bottom of the stairs and we hear some non-specific crashing in an adjacent room, we move around the corner and see nothing and then, jump-scare, it’s the fucking horse, his eyes illuminated red with the flashlight we found in an upstairs bathroom sink cabinet. Tina fires the gun instantly, missing the horse and the thing goes fucking nuts, kicking and neighing destroying everything. We collectively lose our minds and scatter. The boys are on the east of the house and contemplate if that was a gunshot. Jared says “This shit is too much” and that they should bail. Travis agrees and as they pass the gnarled oak they hear a sound and turn. It’s a mother raccoon. Jared punches Travis for scaring him and comments on how cute it is. Travis tells him to fuck off and screams at the animal hoping to scare it off for scaring him. It full on attacks him and he runs careening around the corner of the house with Jared cursing under his breath to help him.

A lot of other high-jinks ensue over the night and in the morning we are all wrecked. Especially Tina whose hair is a rats nest and her smokey eye has become a smokey face. We trapped the boys at some point and somehow by the grace of god they do not blame me, they just say they were trying to have some fun with city girls and something about gentrification of air bnb in the area, surprising everyone with their wit. I took the gun away from Tina and am rubbing my temples with it in my hand. She was too trigger happy anyway. I end up sighing and saying fuck it and come clean about everything, going from screaming to tears, Tina is sympathetic and right when we are about to make up there is a crackle in the tree line and something gray comes running at us in full speed. In total automatic reflex Tina grabs the gun an fires at it thinking its the raccoon, but its Ferdinand, he is hit. Everyone goes into fast motion at that point, we bring him to the vets office and in the waiting room Tina and I have a screaming match and everything comes out.  

Unfortunately like most dreams there is no real ending... Though I wish there was... 

[bipolarwitchcraft]

Awnser all the questions of the post you recently reblogged.

Yeet 1. coffee mugs, teacups, wine glasses, water bottles, or soda cans?-water bottles. I like metal ones. 2. chocolate bars or lollipops?-lollipops3. bubblegum or cotton candy?-cotton candy4. how did your elementary school teachers describe you?-a pleasure to have in class and a creative writer. I wrote a lot of stories and was told by a few teachers I could be a published author when I got older. I hope they’re right. 5. do you prefer to drink soda from soda cans, soda bottles, plastic cups or glass cups?-cans the easiest 6. pastel, boho, tomboy, preppy, goth, grunge, formal or sportswear?-boho goth county would accurately describe me7. earbuds or headphones?-earbuds but not apple earbuds Bc they hurt8. movies or tv shows?-tv shows under 30 mins bc my attention span is 2 seconds (excluding the Orville and 911 bc those are amazing shows)9. favorite smell in the summer?-well water and main and tail shampoo10. game you were best at in p.e.?-volleyball. If I didn’t have to play 2 sports to be in athletics I would have played it in high school. 11. what you have for breakfast on an average day?-I don’t eat breakfast usually at school but when I work at camp I’ll usually have 2 eggo waffles and peanut butter maybe with a plum or something 12. name of your favorite playlist?-drive songs 13. lanyard or key ring?-key ring. I can’t stand having my keys on a lanyard 14. favorite non-chocolate candy?-Swedish fish 15. favorite book you read as a school assignment?-the secret life of bees and of mice and men. They are the only two I actually read all the way through and didn’t sparknotes lmaoo16. most comfortable position to sit in?-completely slouched in a chair with on leg crossed 17. most frequently worn pair of shoes?-my serape ariat cruisers or my berks 18. ideal weather?-70s to mid 80s with a nice breeze 19. sleeping position?-I’m a stomach sleeper lol but I usually try to fall asleep on my left side 20. preferred place to write (i.e., in a note book, on your laptop, sketchpad, post-it notes, etc.)?-note book. My favorite are the 5-star note books. College rule. One subject. 21. obsession from childhood?-dinosaurs and rocks. Still relevant today as a geology major22. role model?-don’t have role models. They always disappoint. Just be a decent person and do what you enjoy. 23. strange habits?-I rub the corners of blankets and pillows and such on and under my thumb nail. But only my right. I also poke my tongue out of my mouth a little when I’m riding. 24. favorite crystal?-I’m a sucker for amethyst. But quartz is also a favorite. I have natural quartz clusters all over my backyard at home. 25. first song you remember hearing?-besides like baby songs it was probably something my dad was listening to so I’m going to say Loser by Beck or Sweet Home Alabama bc those have been staples of my life. 26. favorite activity to do in warm weather?-ride and then immediately jump in the lake 27. favorite activity to do in cold weather?-read 28. five songs to describe you?-I don’t know enough about myself to know what describes me but my favorite songs rn are ‘99’ by Barnes Courtney, Colours by Grouplove, Pumped Up Kicks by foster the people, Talk Too Much by Coin, and Broken by lovelytheband 29. best way to bond with you?-talk to me 30. places that you find sacred?-nature, whataburger at 3am, and my room 31. what outfit do you wear to kick ass and take names?-I always feel badass when I wear my show chaps 32. top five favorite vines?-omg so many. Road work ahead, Adam, any from that kid that wear his hoodie and has his ears sticking out (snoooooooooop), well when life gives you lemons, you either kill your self or get killed what you gonna do 33. most used phrase in your phone?-lmaooo34. advertisements you have stuck in your head?-tide pods with gronk 35. average time you fall asleep?-midnight ish 36. what is the first meme you remember ever seeing?-ummmm it was probably some iFunny shit 37. suitcase or duffel bag?-duffle 38. lemonade or tea?-sweet tea 39. lemon cake or lemon meringue pie?-lemon meringue pie from Bluebonnet Cafe 40. weirdest thing to ever happen at your school?-some much. Some let a rooster loose in the main hall and no one could catch it, some left stink bait in the locker and the whole school smelled, some just showed up and gave my ag teacher a calf, we had a interim principal who we called Bernie Sanders which he hated and sent out a announcement video telling us to stop and we only got worse 41. last person you texted?-my mom42. jacket pockets or pants pockets?-jacket pockets 43. hoodie, leather jacket, cardigan, jean jacket or bomber jacket?-oof I’m a sucker for a cardigan 44. favorite scent for soap?-lavender 45. which genre: sci-fi, fantasy or superhero?-fantasy 46. most comfortable outfit to sleep in?-over sized t shirt47. favorite type of cheese?-mozzarella 48. if you were a fruit, what kind would you be?-I feel like I would be a strawberry bc im a strawberry blond/a redhead 49. what saying or quote do you live by?-sometime it just be like that 50. what made you laugh the hardest you ever have?-this video has my gasping every. Single. Time. If you’re sad PLS WATCH: https://youtu.be/23B017ZVIx451. current stresses?-finals and getting my wisdom teeth removed 52. favorite font?-I only use times new roman lol I don’t type a lot 53. what is the current state of your hands?-dry but my nails are getting long which I’m glad about54. what did you learn from your first job?-I worked retail so I learned how to handle people at their worst lol 55. favorite fairy tale?-I like the Disney Rapunzel, but I also like the original telling if the little mermaid 56. favorite tradition?-watching the 24hours of a Christmas Story during Christmas 57. the three biggest struggles you’ve overcome?-self harm -body image -fighting 58. four talents you’re proud of having?-creativity through writing, riding, baking, common sense59. if you were a video game character, what would your catchphrase be?-bro60. if you were a character in an anime, what kind of anime would you want it to be?-yoooo61. favorite line you heard from a book/movie/tv show/etc.?-I’ve read too many books to have a favorite line from just one lol, but I heard “I’m a grown up ass man I can do what I want” on AP bio which was pretty funny 62. seven characters you relate to?-Nina Zenik from Six of Crows. That’s it. She’s the only one. 63. five songs that would play in your club?-I cannot stand clubs or bars so none lol64. favorite website from your childhood?-fucking moshimonster.com and girlsgogames.com 65. any permanent scars?-yep. I got burned as a baby and still have the scars on my fingers 19 years later. I have a lot more as well. 66. favorite flower(s)?-I’m more of a succulent person so cactus flowers 67. good luck charms?-I don’t really have any 68. worst flavor of any food or drink you’ve ever tried?-I had ranch flavored soda once so that takes it. But I don’t like cheap beer either. 69. a fun fact that you don’t know how you learned? -a daddy long leg spider is the most poisonous spider but their fangs are too weak to pierce human skin 70. left or right handed?-right 71. least favorite pattern?-houndstooth 72. worst subject?-calculus 73. favorite weird flavor combo?-hot Cheetos and sour cream74. at what pain level out of ten (1 through 10) do you have to be at before you take an advil or ibuprofen?-575. when did you lose your first tooth?- 5 y/o76. what’s your favorite potato food (i.e. tater tots, baked potatoes, fries, chips, etc.)?-mashed 100%77. best plant to grow on a windowsill?-jade succulents 78. coffee from a gas station or sushi from a grocery store?-I like sushi from HEB 79. which looks better, your school id photo or your driver’s license photo?-school id80. earth tones or jewel tones?-earth times 81. fireflies or lightning bugs?-firefly 82. pc or console?-Uhhh idk??? 83. writing or drawing?-writing 84. podcasts or talk radio?-talk radio 84. barbie or polly pocket?-Polly pocket. Forbidden gummy 85. fairy tales or mythology?-mythology 86. cookies or cupcakes?-cupcakes with no icing 87. your greatest fear?-bugs crawling in my ear 88. your greatest wish?-to be successful and happy with a S/O and a daughter on lots of land89. who would you put before everyone else?-my parents 90. luckiest mistake?-There are no mistakes. Everything happens for a reason. 91. boxes or bags?-depends 92. lamps, overhead lights, sunlight or fairy lights?-sunlight93. nicknames?-my dad calls me sissy bug and my mom calls me bamber and my friends call my dumb bitch lol so 94. favorite season?Spring or fall. They’re basically the same in Texas. 95. favorite app on your phone?-social media apps96. desktop background?-I don’t have a desktop but my laptop is just a pre downloaded galaxy ones. 97. how many phone numbers do you have memorized?-mine, my moms, my dads, and my dads business 98. favorite historical era?-ancient Egypt and the 60s

[bethesdaglitch]

1-70 do em all! 😁💙

I’m seriously so sorry this took so long, but it was so much fun!! thank you!!! Also it’s super long so I’m gonna put it under a readmore!

1. First game you played obsessively?

Jak & Daxter! 2. A game that has influenced you creatively? Writing, drawing, etc.Lmao I’m not exactly a creative person, but when I was little I tried coming up with and drawing my own pokemon. They were… bad3. Who did you play with as a kid?My brother! At first I stole his Gameboy Color whenever he wasn’t using it, but then he saved up and bought a PS2 so we could play games together4. Who do you play with now?No one really lol. I kinda prefer to play single-player games now? But I’ll play with various friends when we hang out.5. Ever use cheat codes?When I was little, yeah! Especially in the Sly Raccoon games 6. Ever buy strategy guides?Before the age of unlimited free online strategy guides I did, now I just use said online ones7. Any games you have multiple copies of?Yep, I’ve “lost” games only to find them again after replacing them like… four times? It happened with Oblivion, Fable 3, DA: Origins, and, weirdly enough, that one obscure (but fun imo!) wii game, Fragile Dreams: Farewell Ruins of the Moon8. Rarest/Most expensive game in your collection?This one was hard! After a teeny bit of research, I narrowed it down to either Rule of Rose, LoZ Collector’s Edition on Gamecube, and pokemon red and yellow9. Most regrettable purchase?Hhhhhhhh I bought the video game for the 2006 Dreamworks movie Over the Hedge. I was only 12, but I still should’ve known better :(10. Ever go to a midnight game release or stand in line for hours?I’ve gone to a few midnight releases, but none that have lasted for hours, luckily. I only started going to them in the last few years, so the only ones I’ve been to so far are Fallout 4, DA:I and uh… ME:A (I KNOW)11. Have you ever made new friends from playing video games?Nah not really, I don’t play online games, so. I have friends who play video games, but I’ve never met someone BECAUSE of video games12. Ever get picked on for liking games?Lol no?13. A game you’ve never played that everyone else has?Overwatch14. Favorite game music?NIER, hands down. 15. If it was a requirement to get a game related tattoo, what would you pick?Probably something cute and harmless like the leaf from Animal Crossing lol16. Favorite game to play with your friends IRL?Lately we’ve been really into Towerfall: Ascension and Screencheat17. Ever lose a friend over a game?Wh—no????18. Would you date someone that hates gaming?So long as they didn’t try to “forbid” me from playing and so long as we had other interests to bond over, then sure. It’d be kind of a bummer though lol19. Favorite handheld console?Idk that I have one! Maybe the Switch, since that’s the most recent and popular?20. Game that you know like the back of your hand?Silent Hill 3 and DA:I21. Game that you didn’t like or understand as a kid but love now?The Civilization games22. Do you wear game related clothing/accessories?Sometimes, yeah. Nothing too embarrassing, though. 23. The game that you’ve logged the most hours into?What, like… ever?? Geez, I dunno… probably Oblivion?24. First Pokemon game?Yellow!25. Were you ever an arcade game player?I actually wasn’t really :/26. Ever form any gaming rivalries?Oh yeah, with my brother. He’s 6 years older than me, which pretty much guaranteed I got my ass kicked in every game we played when I was younger27. Game that makes you rage?Bloodborne and Dark Souls!!!!!! I swear I try to go back and play them at least once a year, and I can never get past the first hour :(28. Ever play in a tournament?Not like an official one, but ones with friends, yep29. What is your gaming set up?Imma be real with you chief I don’t know nearly enough about computers to answer this question with anything other than “a computer”30. How many consoles do you own?Ohohoho far too many31. Does the 3DS and/or Virtual Boy hurt your eyes or give you headaches?I’ve never had the 3D slider up long enough to tell, but that probably means yes lol32. Did you ever play a game based on your favorite show/cartoon/movie/comic?BOY when I was in first grade I played Spongebob: Supersponge on Gameboy advance so much I STILL remember the password that lets you skip to the final stage (it’s WMBT) 33. Did you ever have any bootleg games or plug-n-play games?nah 34. Do either of your parents play video games?PFFF GOD NO. Although my mom does love Animal Crossing. Not playing it, but just like it’s whole deal. 35. Ever work in a game store? Or do you have a favorite game shop?No and no, tbh36. Have you ever shed actual blood, sweat or tears over a game?I… don’t think so? Maybe I’ve cried over a game, but blood?? Put the controller down, y’all37. Have you played E.T. for the Atari 2600? Do you think that’s the worst game ever, or do you have another nomination?NO NO NO OVER THE HEDGE (2006) FOR THE PS2 IS THE SINGLE WORST GAME EVER MADE FIGHT ME ON THIS38. A game you’re ashamed to admit that you like?Oh lord… idk if anyone’s ever played any of Ambition’s dating sims (Dream Girlfriend, Dream Boyfriend, Animal Boyfriend, and Moe Can Change) but I’ve literally been playing them for about… 5-ish years now? They’re seriously the worst, I fucking love them 39. A sequel that you would die for them to make?Hmm… Maybe a new Kingdoms of Amalur game would be cool? 40. What to you think of virtual reality headsets or motion controls?I love VR but the last time I tried it at a friend’s place I fucking faceplanted after leaning on a counter I forgot was also virtual and the first thing my friend asked was whether the headset was ok, so that stung. As for motion controls, they’re fun but they can be a real pain41. A genre that you just can’t get into?Sports games 42. Maybe it wasn’t your first game, but what was the game that started you on your path to nerdiness?The path to what43. Ever play games when you really should have been concentrating on something else?Oh yeah, who hasn’t?44. Arcade machine that has consumed the most of your quarters?Idk if this counts but I am a MASTER at the claw machine and that stacker game. My closet is full of useless shit I’ve won from those things45. How are you at Mario Kart?OH SO FUCKING GOOD YOU HAVE NO IDEA46. Do you like relaxing games like Animal Crossing or Harvest Moon?yesssss I love them47. Do you like competitive games?I mean like I said, I mostly prefer single-player games, but I do enjoy the occasional co-op game48. How long does it take your to customize your player character?about an hour49. In games where you can pick your class, do you always tend to go for the same type of character?I actually don’t! If it’s a game I’m not confident I’ll be good at, I pick whichever class is recommended for beginners, and that changes from game to game. Alternatively, I just go through phases where I prefer a specific class above others 50. If you were a game designer, what masterpiece would you create?Christ I have no idea. Maybe a first-person escape game? idk51. Have you ever played a game for so long that you forgot to eat or sleep?NO?? DAMN ARE Y’ALL OK????52. A game that you begged your parents for as a kid?Literally any M game; my parents were strictly “No M games until you’re old enough!” I just got my brother to buy them most of the time though lol53. What’s your opinion on DLC these days?Most DLC is fine, it’s microtransactions in “pay-to-win” games that I fucking hate. 54. Do you give in to Steam sales?HAHAHAHAHA yeah absolutely 55. Did you ever make someone you hated in the Sims and did mean stuff to them?N-No??? 56. Did you ever play Roller Coaster Tycoon and kill off your guests?Ok yeah I did do that 57. Did you ever play a game to 100% or get all of the achievements?Ew no58. If you can only play 3 games for the rest of your life, which ones do you pick?Ooooh… ok, Oblivion, My Time in Portia, and Divinity 259. Do you play any cell phone games?I do! I play a lot of escape games, and uh… the Ambition games mentioned previously60. Do you know the Konami Code?Is that the up-up-down-down-left-right-left-right-B-A? Huh, I never knew it had a name!61. Do you trade in your games or keep them forever?I used to trade them in occasionally, but mostly I keep them 62. Ever buy a console specifically to play one game?Yeah the Switch for BotW. Not proud of it, but it was worth it63. Ever go to a gaming convention or tournament? nah64. Ever make a TV or monitor purchase based on what would be best for gaming?Yep! 65. Ever have a Game Genie, Game Shark or Action Replay? Did it ever mess up your game’s save file?OHHHH MY GOD YEAH, I’M STILL FUCKING PISSED ABOUT IT. I had GameShark for Gameboy and PS2, but that one was fine, it didn’t cause any problems. It was ACTION FUCKING REPLAY that fucked me over. I used it for KH2 and it worked the whole time until literally THE VERY LAST XEMNAS FIGHT, when my HP bar suddenly dropped to 1??? Not my HP, mind you, the HP BAR. Meaning 1 HP was the most I could have. Literally fuck action replay >:( 66. Did you ever have have an old Nokia with Snake on it?nope67. Do you have a happy gaming-related childhood memory you want to share?I do! The very first thing I ever saved up money for to buy myself was Pokemon Crystal version. Until then I’d just been borrowing (re:stealing) my brother’s, but when I was 5 and Crystal was about to come out, my parents made me a deal that if I saved up $15, they’d pay the other $15 and I could get it! It was the first time I was working towards a fun goal, so it was all pretty exciting for 5-year-old me lol. It’s dumb, I know, but it’s something I look back on fondly68. Ever save up a ton of tickets in an arcade to get something cool?Lol nah, I think the best thing I ever got with tickets was a cheap snowglobe 69. In your opinion, best game ever made? UHHHH GOD. That’s… super tough. I’m genuinely not sure I have an answer tbh. I’m really into Divinity 2 right now but best game ever made?? Idk! that’s a hard one!!!! 70. Very first game you ever beat? I won’t lie, it was Spongebob: Supersponge on GBA

[annakie]

It’s gonna be the future soon...

So, I think that it’s close enough to definite now that I can say something solid about it.

Very close to 10 months after my old, awesome company was acquired by this... other... company... that we had an extremely not-awesome experience with... unless something goes terribly wrong with my pre-employment checks,  on June 11th I’ll be starting a new job, at a new company, doing exactly what I want to do with people who I don’t know but I seem to like so far, in a location really close to home.

I didn’t talk about much of this outside of private channels because it’s always a bad idea to be negative about your employer when they’re your employer, but... I’m feeling such catharsis, and like the cold hand that’s been gripping my head and heart for so long is finally letting go.

Anyway, here’s a lot of words, and a few pictures.

Last year, on the five-year anniversary of working for the company I worked for, we’ll call it company A, I wrote this long blog post about how much I loved my job.

I really did.  I was so happy.  Most people who worked there were really happy.  The IT/Dev group were mostly very close with each other.  My team, the IT team specifically extended out with two others, we were honestly like brothers and sisters.

On August 15th, we were acquired by Company B.

I knew it was coming for like a month ahead of time, and throughout July and early August every day I made myself appreciate all the little things about working there, because things were going to change some.  But you know, we’d probably just lose the top bosses and maybe they’d cut like, Marketing, which would be sad, but understandable.  And maybe a few other people would leave and things would be different, but still, it couldn’t be that bad.

But it was.  It started when... for most of the employees, our stock was worthless.  A few people got a few hundred dollars but... some of us had been given stock in leiu of bonuses and raises.  So our outgoing board screwed us.  That cut, deep.  It wasn’t the new company’s fault, but we started out disgruntled.

And the new company... I think that the people in charge didn’t really want to acquire us, but were told to by the financial backing partners.  It was bad from the start.  From an absolutely ridiculous NDA/Non-Compete which many lawyers we consulted said we shouldn’t sign which made 5 important people just walk out instead of signing, and the fact that my boss was almost walked out on orders of the CEO for speaking his mind when in a meeting Company B set up to answer questions.  Our old and new CTOs just barely averted that from happening.

Picture break!  This is the old office, the view from my desk. I mean... Carlos wasn’t ALWAYS dressed that way,  just when there was a World Cup or Euro Cup happening.  But every one of those desks and a bunch you can’t see were filled with people I loved working with.

But within a month, communication and trust between the two companies was already shattered.  They made much deeper cuts from the staff than we thought would happen.  We lost one of our 3 locations, everyone but the 2 devs there were laid off.  The entire marketing team, almost all of the sales team, all of accounting.  And it wasn’t too long before my boss found something else because his days were numbered anyway.  And our CTO was pushed out a month later.  Expected, but it stung.

And in all this time, they kept telling us that we were wanted.  The IT/dev teams.  And we kept dropping like flies.  People just saying “Fuck this shit, I’m out.”  Finding something better, higher paying, less painful, and quickly.  For most of the last 4 and a half months of last year, I was turning accounts down.  

We were getting punched in the stomach by something from the new company every few days, it felt like.  There was no morale.  There was only us, huddling together for warmth as people were torn away or dropped out, one by one.  I organized probably close to 20 goodbye lunches, and several more “Hey who wants to go to lunch?  We’re going to ____, whoever can go, meet there at 11:30″ to keep in touch lunches.

The last one we had was May 11th, to celebrate my birthday and one of our remote guys being in town.

I take a picture at almost every group lunch we have.  I have so many pictures of various groups of us sitting at a table, smiling, all just happy to be hanging out together again for an hour.

This was the “new” Dev manager and Carlos’ goodbye lunch.

I can’t get into specifics of all the ways things happened that hurt.  There are so many things that happened that just left our jaws hanging open.  So many things we questioned.  This post would be ten times the length were I to really get into it.

They hired a new Development manager, promised him support and the ability to run what remained of the IT department his way, and then in actuality though, gave him no power and no money and no ability to change anything.  He was a scapegoat.  He started out rah-rah we can fix this in late October or early November-ish?  By Christmas, even his spirit was broken. 

We were told during the acquisition we would get to participate in the company’s bonus program.  Neat!  Prorated, of course, I mean, that makes sense.  Cool.  Well, December we get our bonus checks and um... it’s half of what they should be.  We did the math, a lot.  Several times.  Someone, somewhere made the decision that we only deserved half of our prorated bonuses.  That’s just the way it was.

There’s so much more.  But let’s move on.

We’d been told when all this started that they wanted to move our office and turn our development-focused office into more of a sales-focused office.  The move is its own story of hilarity, but those of us left got the honor of cleaning out the office and packing it all away.  We did, at least, get to take a lot of stuff home.  I am, right now, sitting at my desk from work, and my chair from work, in the middle of my living room.  What used to be my office is now in process of being turned into the living room.  I took home my favorite painting, a TV console, and lots of just misc stuff we wouldn’t need at the new place.  So that’s nice.  

Yeah so that’s basically my living room now.  The cats like it!  They got new beds AND a big cat tree out of the bargain!  Pemily only uses a bottom “house” level, Fry likes the bed on top and the bigger level right under it.  They use the beds a lot more, though.

There have been so many days where I would just get in the car at the end of the day and cry out of frustration and anger and sadness over what we lost.  The promises broken, the things that we were told wouldn’t happen and did, the things we were told would happen and didn’t.  The loss of so many people I cared so much about from my daily life.

And I should say, some of the people at the new company are great.  My new immediate boss, I really do like him, and I have always tried to be as honest with him as I could.  The last several months, I’ve been completely honest with him, for both his sake and mine.  He, more than anyone on their side, has gotten the brunt of taking several bad decisions by the higher ups on his chin.  The rest of the other IT team, they are very nice people and I enjoy working with them.  Even their CTO, well, there are some mixed feelings about him, but as a person, I like him a lot.  We’ve even hung out when he’s been in town.

So yeah... by the beginning of 2018, the IT/Dev team was down to like six people, out of over 20 when we started.

The day of The Move, January 27th, everyone on the team who was left got pulled into a meeting at the new place, while the movers were still moving our things in.

We were told that we were all losing our jobs in six months.  We’d get a (TBH, laughable, 12%) severance if we stayed the entire time.  Or, we could move to Kansas City, Kansas.  Hmm... from the #1 job market in the US to Kansas City.  Lol.  No.

Immediately, I mean like WHILE THAT MEETING WAS STILL HAPPENING, my last two team members from IT accepted other job offers they’d been mulling over.  My last other friend who I’d gotten a job there not long after I started, went from “Nah, I’m gonna stick it out.” to “I’m out.”

Eric was gone a week after the announcement, Carlos and the new Dev manager were gone the next week.   My dev friend and I were the last two left. It only took him about a month to be gone.

They’d designed an area in the new office for development and IT before they made the decision to move us.  I literally sit in this area of 10 cubes utterly alone.  Soon, the only people left from my office were 2 guys from sales and one project manager which... his story is a whole other doozy I’m not getting into.  Anyway, four of us left, out of the 30 that were there in August. And eight of the twelve from Memphis still have their jobs.  Twelve people left.  Out of fifty.

So yeah, this is my view.  Nobody sits in any cube you can see besides mine.  My back is to a wall.  One of the remaining guys DOES sit in that office on the right, and recently another of them moved into the office next to that one, which you can’t see in the picture, though.  That helps stave off the lonely a lot.

The same day we were starting work in the new office, the Monday after the day we were told about losing our jobs (Friday) a whole other set of people started work there, too.  Eight call-center salespeople and their manager.  

It was very apparent that first week that... whatever used to be my company was utterly gone.

I wasn’t totally alone.  The 3 guys left and I banded together.  They were already close with each other, and I did consider myself friends with them already but we hadn’t been like, close.  But they took me in, and made me a part of their clique.  That helped.  

And the new people... aren’t bad, honestly.  The manager is great, I really like him, and most of the sales people are nice, even though I don’t really talk to them much.  They have calls to make, and I don’t go to their meetings so... I’m  just... there. It’s still a weird feeling.  I mean, I IT Support them as is my job, but yeah.  There’s still a divide there.  The new office space is OK.  The building is pretty classy, we’re on the 7th floor right off of a freeway, it’s a great view.  Lots of nice amenities. It’s also a 45 minute drive from home.  The drive would be a little better if I wanted to pay $5 a day in tolls, lol.  No.

And mostly, I’ve been horribly bored.  I mean, sure, I’ve made it to like episode 42 of Critical Role.  I do all my work.  I help the people in the office who need help.  I set up cubicles with the computers and peripherals the Kansas office sends me for the new hires.  I find more work to do.  I’ve been documenting all the things I do in anticipation of when I’m no longer going to be there, and I don’t wanna leave my new team hanging when that happens -- none of this is their fault.  I’ve been wiping all our laptops we don’t use anymore and sending them to Kansas so they can use them.  I’ve been sorting boxes and throwing more stuff out.  It just... it wasn’t what I wanted to be doing anymore.  It wasn’t interesting or challenging.

So why was I even still there?  I had reasons. 

There was... an opportunity... I was told I was going to get.  It was solid, a lock.  And in fact at one point there was ANOTHER opportunity I was supposedly a lock for.  For quite awhile, I was waiting for one of these to pan out because either would have been awesome.  I just needed to hang on a few more weeks.

When suddenly it was April and neither had panned out, I realized that it was really fucking time that I stop waiting and being sad about what was gone, and to start actually taking charge of the next few months.  I had til July 27th to make something happen for myself. I’d been assured that unless I did something really terrible at work, my current job was safe until that date. (I very much appreciated that and suspect my direct boss and (possibly the CTO too) has stuck his neck out for me a time or two to make sure this happened.)  That took some pressure off. And I still had hope that the opportunity was going to pan out, but I could work harder to make things work out.

I first had to sit down and really decide what I wanted to focus on.  Before the acquisition, I had two halves to my job.  IT Support for the entire 50+ person company, and project managing our yearly SOC2 Audit.  I knew I could pretty easily get another straight up IT Support job.  But the more I thought about it, the more I realized I’d been doing IT Support for like, 18 years now, along with another half to both of the jobs I’d had in that time (Telephony in my previous job, and auditing in this one.)  I started to wonder if I could make a real go at getting a job 100% in auditing.

I started poking around at job listings for that and kept seeing the acronym “CISA” as a requirement for everything I was interested in.  So I googled it -- Certified Information Systems Auditor.  Intrigued, I spent a day learning about what that was.  I took a “practice test” I found online and thought “Oh, hm, I don’t know most of these answers but I do understand the questions.  I... I think I could do this.”  So I joined a professional organization for the first time, dropped a load of money on that, plus study materials, and set aside another $600 for when it’s time to take the exam

A great deal of my free time since early/mid April has been taken up by studying.  I’m hoping to take the test in late June.

I also modified my resume at this point to add that I was preparing for the test.  Couldn’t hurt.

In the last six weeks or so, I’ve probably applied to 20 or 30 IT Auditor type jobs, and some just more in general IT Security.  I’ve talked to about a dozen recruiters.  I’ve heard a lot of people say my resume is great and they could definitely find me a job.  None of them tried.  I didn’t even hear back from most of them, ever.  I’ve talked to a lot of internal recruiters, some of whom made me big promises then ghosted me, some of whom were excited to place me and then whoops it turned out the hiring manager promoted from within and all interviews were canceled... or something.

It was frustrating, but people kept telling me, this is also normal.  TBH, I hadn’t had to job hunt literally since the year 2000.  I’d read up a lot about what I needed to do, how to act and talk and what to say and how to answer the hard questions and I felt like I did well whenever I was given a shot.  It’s just that Something always happened.  I started to joke with my guys left at work that I wondered what this week’s Big Disappointment would be.  I was also joking that if I wanted to feel let down this consistently, I’d go back to dating.

Two Sundays ago I was doing a pass at job boards, and went to one I hadn’t been using before, but probably should have.  And there I saw it.

A job doing exactly the auditing things I wanted to do, but more stuff, that I also wanted to do, and I had almost every line of their “Must haves” already on my resume.  It was one of like, three jobs I applied to that night.

Tuesday I got an email for a phone screening.  I didn’t let myself get excited, but I researched the company as much as I could, and liked what I saw.  I also noticed, holy crap, they’re a 15 minute drive, all on surface roads and no freeways, from my house.  That. Would. Be. Awesome.

The internal recruiter was really responsive, and nice, and seemed interested, all things I’d come to not really expect.  We set up a phone screening for Wednesday, and on Thursday she said that the hiring manager wanted to skip a phone conversation and jump right to in-person interview on Monday.

Um, wow.

So I finally got a chance to wear that $200 interview outfit I’d bought, and put on the $100 makeup, and Monday, I drove the fifteen minutes oh my God this is awesome to the new place.  Holy crap there’s a Starbucks RIGHT OUT FRONT IN THE SAME PARKING LOT YOU CAN WALK THERE.  I took the elevator to the top floor wow this view is beautiful I can almost see my house from here! and met my possible new manager.  I kind of got the vibe early that he was already heavily favoring me, and our conversation was basically like “I need someone who can do ____” “Oh, yeah, I was already doing that, so I can definitely do that.”  And some of it was “Hm, I don’t have any experience in that area.” and he was like “Eh, but you have experience in this related thing, you can definitely pick it up.”    And it was a lot more like a conversation than an interview.  Always a good sign.

I’d actually put under like “Other interests” my masseffectsaves.com site and being admin and a major contributor to the TAH wiki, as a “see, I have other interests, I’m an interesting person” and he even asked about both of those things. I think being able to explain these semi-complex ideas helped a lot.  (Why do you need a saves site?  WHAT THE HECK IS Thrilling Adventure Hour?  And I explained that the wiki shows I am able to write well, and have a good head for categorizing information.)  

I felt things were going very well when he asked me to stay, and went and got the team, the people who would be my equals.  They came and asked me questions, I asked them a few, and they thanked me and left.

And then he brought in the CIO, his boss.  Later edit: this was not his boss, but someone very important at the company and I have since learned he told my boss he should absolutely hire me and I was perfect for the job and thought I’d do great.  And since it’s 2 months later I’m making this edit, he’s already told my boss he thinks I’m great. :)  And we had a good conversation.

Then I got the office tour.  That was when I felt really good about it.  And I had decided pretty early on in the interview that yeah, I really wanted this job.

The only downside is a smaller bump in my salary than I was hoping for.  But it’s still a bump. And literally, everything else is fantastic.

I left the interview at 11:30. 

I got a phone call from the internal recruiter (I made sure to tell both her and her boss how great she is) with a verbal offer at 3:30.  I verbally accepted.

(Side note, I also got another request for a phone screening interview with another company I’d applied to that same night while I was in the interview.  I did set up the phone screening just in case, but canceled it this morning after signing my offer letter.)

I signed all my paperwork today, submitted for the background and credit checks (because of the industry of the company, the credit check is like, mandatory.  And my credit is great so, no worries.)

My current boss knew I had an interview Monday.  I didn’t go to work Monday or yesterday, but I talked to him and let him know.   If everything goes well, I’ll be turning in my notice on Tuesday (Monday is a holiday), and the 8th will be my last day.

A week shy of 10 months since all this started.

To the people I’m close to who read this, I’m sorry I’ve been withdrawn for so long,  It’s just how I needed to cope, thank you for sticking with me.  IDK if anyone noticed, but I didn’t post on tumblr and let my queue run out for like three months at the end of the year.  I’ve still not been here a lot, but... enough to keep a queue going and make a few actual posts here and there.  It was really bad for a long time.  I didn’t want to engage with almost anyone about almost anything.  I didn’t feel like I had much positive to say.  And I couldn’t really talk about this publicly.

And now, today, it feels so good.  I just want to scream about how great it feels to be getting out.  Moving on! And to be fair, the last four months haven’t been terrible.  They’ve been fine.  Just fine.  They actually offered to let me keep my job, to be even more fair, back in April, at about the time I’d decided to start studying for my CISA.  Also about that time I was going through my first “Oh you’re gonna get this job!” excitement, pre-disappointment, besides the two that I’d been waiting on. 

 Oh yeah, of those two I’d waited on... one of them ghosted, and the other one, the one I’d really been waiting on, offically fell through like two weeks after I turned down the offer to stay on at the current company. I did have one weekend of “OH SHIT WHAT DID YOU DO NO ONE IS EVER GOING TO HIRE YOU WHY DID YOU TELL THEM YOU WERE GONNA LEAVE MAYBE YOU CAN BEG TO KEEP YOUR JOB” thoughts, a pretty bad panic attack, a bunch of scared crying, and utter despair in there.  Then Sunday afternoon I picked myself back up, and went back to studying, and told myself over and over there was going to be something awesome out there for me.  Plus, I had savings enough plus the “retention bonus” money to live on for a few months, if worse came to worse and I hadn’t found something on July 27th.  

And to be honest, I really didn’t think I’d find a job in It Security/Auditing until after I passed the exam.  I was applying to things, though, just in case, maybe I will.

I’m so, very glad to be wrong.  I’m still going to pass my exam, and there’s at least one other certification I’m going for afterwards.

Which is just another weird thing.

My whole life I’ve been like, drifting when it came to college and work.  TBH I never finished college.  I got into IT almost by accident, because someone believed in me and pulled me onto his team.  That person went from being my boss for a few years, long ago to now one of my closest friends  I stayed in IT + Telephony then IT + Auditing because... I could.  I always had a solid job that I was happy in (except near the end of the first job, the last 2 or 3 years were... hooo boy.  Anyway.)  I never felt a particular passion or calling to it.  I liked it, I was good enough at it.  It was a good paycheck and I got to work with awesome people.

But, as much as I would sometimes grouse about the audit, secretly kinda loved it.  It was a LOT of work, and nerve-wracking, but I was good at managing it.  I knew I could be better at it and do more if I didn’t have that whole other half of my job of IT Support to do.  But realizing last month I could actually get a certification and there were other certs I could do that would also make work better and actually holy shit I have a career PATH.  What sorcery is this?  It’s weird.  I just really, really, really wish I would have started looking at it... oh... five years ago.

I also took this other step about a month ago.  There were several jobs I didn’t apply to because I never finished college and they stressed a degree was mandatory.  That made me sad, and nervous.  

I knew I had a TON of college credits, probably close to 120, but nothing that would coalesce into like, a degree.  Also as the years went by it was like... well.  There’s no way I could start all over with college.

On a whim, though, I googled “What to do when you have a lot of college credits and no degree”.  And it turns out, there’s a couple of real, actual accredited non-profit colleges that have programs exactly for people like me.   They accept transfer credits liberally and will tell you what you need to get a real actual diploma.   I said what the fuck, and applied and got my transcripts from the three colleges I had significant credits at sent over there.

They finished the evaluation and got back to me today. I need twelve hours to get a bachelors of Liberal Arts.  TWELVE. Five classes. (one is a 1 hour credit, one is a 2 hour credit, the rest are three.  And I can CLEP out of two of the classes, if I want to.)  I was also accepted into the program.  I’m kicking myself for not doing THIS years ago.

So... the rest of this year will be dedicated to CISA and at least one more certification.  Starting in the spring semester, I’m going back to school.  Online, night classes type school, but I’m going to do it.  I’m gonna get a fucking diploma, even if it’s a liberal arts diploma, at 43 years old.  (Hell, I’ll be 44 by then.)

And what’s crazy is... this is like the silver lining to a dark, dark cloud. No, it’s more than that.  It’s... coming out of the dark.  It almost feels like a rebirth.  It took five and a half months of a torturous slow death of the job and place that I loved.  Then two months of emptiness.  Then two months of terror and pushing myself and frustration and disappointment.

And now... I’m here.

I’m starting a new job that I think I’m going to be great at, and think I can be very happy at the place.

I’m getting real professional certifications. 

I’m going to graduate college, finally. 

Sometimes it really does take a lot of pain in order to grow.  It takes the death of a thing that you hold dear to push you out of the nest and force you to make changes, to work hard, to be better.

I’m still sad that it took all of that to get to where I am, but I’m so glad, today, to be here.  I feel like I can breathe again.  I feel like the future is good.

Sorry this post is so long, by the way.  I feel like.. for a really long time I couldn’t talk much about it.  There were only a few people / private places I really talked about it because I was afraid of consequences should the wrong people see -- I still needed this job.  I needed to figure out what I was doing.  So now, this is me able to talk about it.  Thanks for reading.  It’s been a journey, and this chapter is closing.  I really, really can’t wait to get to the new one.