#it hurts i want 2019 to be good but idk how i can ever really be happy after what happened

[o0o0thorn0o0o]

Late, I know, but…! Only by two days, so I’ll still label/tag it:

Ichihime Week, Day 7: Mythical Lovers / Rainbow

I was planning on adding in magpies in the background this time, but I was getting lazy, and it’s already late, so maybe next time ^^;

(Also I was thinking of making a rainbow version, but it didn't come out as I would have liked? Idk. I still think it’s cute, though, so I put it under the cut)

Alrighty, listen: I really didn’t mean to wait this long to post. But, like, very shortly after Eid, my iPad’s storage filled up, like, to the point I couldn’t even access my mail (that’s how I found out, pfft). I was wondering why I’d ever need 256 GB 4 years ago… but still, it was $100 extra bucks. Sure, it was a grad gift, but 128 GB was expensive enough—still a lot of storage, too… Not enough, clearly!

Hoarding layers (and recoloring my own art, pfft) has really caught up to me… but also, it wouldn’t help too much if I didn’t either. After deleting what I could bear to part with, that took away around 5 GB, but merging layers in other works barely made a dent.

So I’ve spent these past few weeks wondering what to do, thinking about emailing my 2019 (imported from my 5s) and 2020 works to an email I also created 4 years ago for some reason I totally forgot about and never used so that I don’t end up taking any space in my actual one and then uploading them onto two (since I really don’t want my files corrupting) USBs via my laptop, trying to get those USBs from Target (but since I was adamant this time in getting 256 GB USBs��I don’t want to have to worry about storage for a longgggg time—there were none in stock), ordering them off of eBay instead since my dad insisted on their cheapness, waiting a week for them, then transferring them to that email and uploading them onto its Google drive if the files was too big…

But that was taking much too long and still left space on my iPad while I was doing it. I managed to complete the 2019 and 2020 pieces from my iPad, but it also only ended up being around 1 GB… So, like, I need to clear more years (breaks my heart, it does ;~; Sure, I still have access to them via that email and those USBs, but it’s not convenient anymore, and there are still pieces I plan on getting back to… ackkkkk).

Contemplating it some more and discussing it with a friend, much as I abhor subscription services, I finally decided to purchase a premium membership on Ibis for that 20 GB of cloud storage. I can afford the 30 bucks a year, and I like the app anyway—serves me good—and not having to watch an ad every 18 hours to access my go-to brushes would be nice, plus having access to the other stuff, but yeah: ✋🌈✨cloud storage✨🌈 🤚

Anyway, I’m pretty sure a good chunk of what’s taking up my space is actually the cache, as I’m already more than halfway through my drawings, and I’m not sure if I’ll reach that 75 GB of storage Ibis was apparently taking up with just my drawings. So I’ll probably need to download everything, then delete the app and redownload it ‘cause stupid IOS doesn’t let you easily clear it 🫠

Anyway, I really thought I’d be done by now, but am not—that said, I managed to clear out around 10 GB off of Ibis (not my iPad; I somehow managed to gain back 5?? Somewhere?? I’ve no clue; I don’t see it), which is wayyy more than enough to get one drawing done for IH week, so I paused the whole storage thing for now. I actually tried to get day one’s drawing done on the 6th, but I’m dealing with perspective that’s hurting my brain, so I decided to get day seven’s done instead, ‘cause I thought I’d be on time…

Me? On time? Man, who knew I was so funny… 😒

But yeah, day seven is done! I’ll definitely revisit that day one drawing in the future, but not anytime soon. As if I wasn’t backed up already, this whole storage mess has backlogged even further, and there are other dates coming up 😮‍💨 And, y’know, gotta finish the storage transfer, too… Ahhhhhhhhhh!

Anyway, on a more positive note, gradient maps are actually very neat to use—had a little too much fun, eheh. I won’t confess how much time I spent testing it out on this piece, but here be my favorite:

They’re so golden <3 ☺️

[slaaverin]

hi so just wanted to share smthing idk if you have been following the blue moon tarot blog/website for long but i got into in 2021, ruined my peace of mind, bc the relationship of jm with himself and esp with jk seemed so toxic, so i just stopped reading or idk believing it on some level too. bc i remember once reading that jm literally saw jk as a replacement of his own brother in the start and so people shipping them is sooo wierd. then he always sort of uses and takes (energy?) from jk rather than giving anything back. like jk is progressing but jm is always for some reason going down or afraid all the time when i read any of his readings done by her (again not coming at her she always seemed to be a great positive eprson when ever i read her blogs, just from what i got of jm from her readings thats all nothing more) and idk it just made me a bit frustrated too bc he is so wrapped up in his fears, that any hope for progress for him seems hopeless honestly with how every fruther reading, jm somehow always seemed to drag himself down, get caught up in his feelings, esp drag jk down to his troubles after having a toxic relationship - like i remember one years ago in one of the reading it was said how jm sort of doesnt let jk grow up in his eyes and jk pretends he hasnt grown up too to have the relationship or so that jm doenst lose his balance that he had at that time, basically self sacrificing honestly and made it seem all the more toxic and not at all healthy. (so i sort of agree with anon that says it all seems sad rather than good, bc one thing i noticed is over teh years jm has a lot of potential to be great and amazing but he is so caught up in himself/fears/all the wierd stuff that he doesnt let himself be, like everything points to be negative with him and his future all the time.

i mean on the surface it seemed he is totally at peace from the clips in teh past two years esp with his music (which was honestly decent though the whole album never clicked with me, but again its his album his songs so i appreciate all of them regardless) like he is working on himself his vocals his music and his growth but tbh it never seems enough as per his tarot readings or the fact that he always is in that confusing dark place (bluemoon blog once stated its like jm is in this dark chaos place where he goes back to his tendencies and doesnt want to seem to get out of it ages ago tho, like its being back and forth, and jk honestly is in a good place at the top of the hill, who for some reason keeps coming back to help)- again toxic as fuck. and also said how they are planning to help eo out, i wld like to believe he more at peace with himself but idk it always seems tumultuous and toxic.

Sry I know this got so long but idk I had this in my head for so long during my early army days when I saw tarot reading, and somehow your blog is the only one where i have even seen anything reagrding tarot readinsg that were done, so just wanted to see if mayeb you have any thoughts about it. and again, blue moon website, whoever she is, is really cool and amazing; none of this was in any way meant to be hurtful or mean or anything, really, just what I got or interpreted from your readings and conclusions, really nothing else. Thank you!

Hello!

Thank you for reaching out anon and sharing your thoughts.

I have been following bluemoonpunch's readings since 2019, a while I don't have every single details in mind still, I can only offer my own interpretation.

Jimin has a damn difficult place in the soul body (heart chakra) and while they separated energetically he had a hard time with it. He was always the one to take care of the others, and while figuring out who he was and what's his new place/direction was, I think he needed some support, that's also why JK showed up in his reading (a little place where they met).

According to the readings, Jimin had a cycle where he would retreat, and JK left him alone during that time only being there for him if he needed. In a way he had ups and downs, like everybody. We could see that Jimin in the past would easily doubt himself, that we know.

But to me anon in these readings nothing ever told me jikook's relationship is toxic at all. It's only a deep and complex and ever evolving relationship like any other. Of course it cannot be all rainbows and unicorns.

Jimin literally saw Jungkook grow, he watched him in real time become a man. If they are indeed romantically involved then his view of Jungkook must have evolved over time. We all know Jimin had a crush on Jungkook from the very start. But at that time Jimin saw him still like someone he had to take care of (like the rest of the group) because Jungkook was so young and not yet mature. But with time Jungkook grew within himself and became who he is today, someone who does take care of Jimin when he needs it too. I think that is normal and a sign of healthy relationship, that they can BOTH rely on each other now.

Of course I feel between the two Jimin is the one more careful, and maybe the one more "down to earth" about all the things that could go wrong. But nothing in this screams toxic, he is only pragmatic because he cares about Jungkook and what could potentially happen to him.

Jungkook is more carefree and open. This man is time and time again reinforcing his love and full devotion to Jimin.

Maybe like the readings say Jimin still has fears but honestly who could blame him?

They are in an impossible, potentially very dangerous situation! With his role of caretaker of course he feels most responsible and worried.

The things you saw that sounded toxic to you, to me is normal in any part of any relationship. People are never perfect, they have flaws, a particular way of their psyche to function, feelings to deal with. What we could see from them since 2013 never came accross as toxic to me, quite the contrary. Of course I don't doubt behind the scenes it's not always perfect, people fight sometimes, people have doubts, fears, sadness, insecurities, but it doesn't mean their relationship isn't healthy. It just means they are humans.

They've been together for a long time, it's normal for the relationship and perspectives to evolve.

Personally the last reading confirmed everything I ever thought about them.

The fact that their potential is to be like a perfect balance of feminine and masculine, like some kind of cosmic couple, it makes so much sense. They always have balanced each other. When they are together they just fit perfectly, they are in sync, they just click.

I will even offer my interpetation of their relationship expanding on the readings, I think jikook are supposed to embody the energy of a cosmic couple as blue said, because I personally feel that is part of their mission.

What they have is a perfect example of what unconditional love means. It is the perfect balance. In a way what they have is not even about them at all! Their relationship is more a display of a concept of unconditional love, some kind of roadmap to show to people and to tell them "see, it's possible, a love like this exist, people with that much light exist, see this example, get inspired by it, grow your light and your love and you may be able to experience it someday".

Images and sounds, basically anything is a frequency. When we watch jikook's relationship, we can feel the frequency of their love, we literally receive unconditional love from them. It opens up our own heart, raising our own frequency. So it's part of their mission of raising the consciousness of the planet, having this relationship. I feel it's part of a way bigger plan.

People will either embrace it or reject it completely. Usually people with a too low frequency will reject it because they cannot stand too much light.

People who receive too much light will have to process their low frequency energy so everything has to come up from the surface which is a pretty painful process so they might choose to not take at all. Which is why so many people reject jikook's bond, because if they accepted the frequency is would make them feel very uncomfortable stuff first and it's not a match to them (It is not always a conscious choice).

People with low frequency rather stay in a state of "illusion" because low frequency is literally nothing but illusion by nature.

I went on a tangent here but what I mean to say is that jikook's relationship has never been more exciting that today (after so many years! Who would have thought they would commit to each other again with military?) So I cannot wait to see how it all evolves from now on, what this potential future as a cosmic couple will look like (can it be even better than now? I can't imagine).

Ease your mind anon, jikook are in a good place. There is nothing to worry about. Let's all enjoy the travel show 💜

Thanks you again for sharing your thoughts I know mine are all over the place because I am not used to answer asks yet so I'm sorry about that! If nothing bluemoonpunch's readings always reassured me more than anything else, especially the last one!

Take care 🥰

[dedkake]

For the numbered ask meme: SGA (optional anime of choice if already answered), McShep, John Sheppard, annnnnd The Mummy/SG-1, please?

<333 thank you!!

001 | SGA

Favorite character: john sheppard

Least Favorite character: elizabeth weir am i allowed to say that? landry. get that guy outta here.

5 Favorite ships (canon or non-canon): john/rodney, ar1 ot4, carson/john, john/ronon, john/teyla

Character I find most attractive: not the question for me.

Character I would marry: carson? jennifer? lorne?

Character I would be best friends with: prrrrooobbably jennifer lol i'm not a very adventurous person.

a random thought: what happened to the "large, particularly venomous snake-like creature that inhabits the mainland" on new lantea?

An unpopular opinion: season 4 has the tightest plot

my canon OTP: i like that ships are not the focus of this show actually

Non-canon OTP: john is my fandom bicycle. get that boy with everyone.

most badass character: they're all kinda badasses, aren't they?

pairing I am not a fan of: i'm not terribly interested in ships that don't involve john, altho i see the logic behind most of them. so i'm probably not going out of my way to read them. or read longfic of them. or sparky sorry.

character I feel the writers screwed up (in one way or another): jjjjjjennifer. she was done so dirty by s5 and canon mckeller.

favourite friendship: john and teyla. teyla and rodney. teyla and ronon. ronon and john. john and rodney. radek and rodney. idk all of them. they are all such good friends and i love it.

character I want to adopt or be adopted by: please no. they are all my children, but i don't want the responsibility of any of that.

002 | mcshep

when of if I started shipping it: ngl i fought this one. when i started watching the show for real in early 2019, i told myself rodney didn't deserve to be redeemed from sg1 and that i wasn't going to fall into the Big Ship Trap. but dang i really did fall lmao. i love them.

my thoughts: friends to lovers, my beloved. they are so silly dorky and devoted.

What makes me happy about them: the friendship! the saving each other! the talking to each other on the comm! the bickering! all the things!!

What makes me sad about them: as i said before. i love angst. so i'm not really sad about the sad things. they can pine away in repression forever and i will be delighted.

things done in fanfic that annoys me: woobie rodney.

things I look for in fanfic: hurt/comfort. subby john. idk. pining. friends to lovers. quiet realizations. the inevitability of it all. domesticity. shepwhump.

My kinks: they can be so kinky together. d/s is good with them.

Who I’d be comfortable them ending up with, if not each other: john: anybody. rodney: uhhhh

My happily ever after for them: they retire as together civilians, but maybe not on atlantis.

003 | john sheppard

How I feel about this character: he's my sweet space disaster child

All the people I ship romantically with this character: everyone .. ..

My non-romantic OTP for this character: also everyone.

My unpopular opinion about this character: i'm not sure i have any lol. he looks good in every hat, i'm not picky. maybe--don't put him in charge of anything?

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon: omg i wanted at least one episode where he was captured/stranded/in peril and the team actually saved him without him doing 90% of the work himself. i want it SO BADLY. show this boy he's loved and cared for please. (istg i thought the team was going to kill kolya for john in irresponsible on my first watch and i'm still disappointed)

my het ship: john/teyla or john/sam fwb

my fem/slash ship: mcshep, john/ronon

my OTP: mcshep

my OT34: ar1

my cross over ship: no thank you (unless you count sg1 as a crossover, in which case, john/everyone over there too)

my kink: he just wants to be used a little bit.

a head cannon: he would've let jeannie die if wallace hadn't volunteered.

my gender bend: yes please.

004 | the mummy/sg1

hmm. so i hate to admit this on tumblr dot com, but i only saw the mummy once when it first came out and the bugs freaked me out and i never watched it again. i keep meaning to revisit, but i haven't gotten around to it 😂

i'm sure that any of the characters would make delightful matches with anyone from sg1. i can See The Potential.

[incorrectskyrimquotes]

Like I actively tried to kill myself at least once a year between 2013 and 2018. But I lived. Every single time.

And thank the powers that be that I did. Bc I've been able to do so SO much with my life. I mean, even before my brain really decided "hey fuck this" I was doing good.

But that's the thing. I dont NEED to good. Something I've learned (and still struggle with tbh) is that I don't have to justify my existence. At all. I could do absolutely nothing with my life and it's still valuable

At the end of the day, the week, the month, the year, the life, my HUSBAND(!) loves me. He moved away from everything he had ever known to be with me.

He'd never admit this, but I think he likes America better. If just for the food. (Sorry to my British friends but we got u beat there)

What I'm trying to say is

Actually. Idk what I'm trying to say. I'm sobering up and I'll deal w the brynjolf pegging nonsense tomorrow(/later (it's not tomorrow until I sleep goddamnit)).

Ig I'm just grateful. For this blog. For my life. There's a good metaphor out there somewhere. A dog wants a chocolate chip bagel, more than anything, and begs and whines and whimpers for it.

The dog, being a dog, doesn't understand that that bagel will KILL it. And not only hurt the poor dog, but everyone who loves the dog.

There was once a time I thought I wanted to die. More than ANYTHING I thought I wanted to die. I didn't quite understand how that would hurt the people in my life. How my (at the time) shit mental health and even shittier ways of dealing w it hurt those around me.

How if I, god forbid, really did kill myself, so many people would miss me. And I don't mean just my absence on social media. I mean people who love me. My friends. My family. My brothers and sister.

My husband. Who has known me since 2013. Can you believe that? We've known each other ten entire years. And I'm glad we were friends first. I'm glad we had figured out how to speak each other's language (something I truly struggled with until 2019) before we tried a relationship.

And even people I don't know. I have saved lives (no further detail; hipaa violation). There are people alive because I am also alive. Because for some reason the powers that be dictated that I woke up in a hospital instead of hell. Over and over and over.

Idk. Idk what I mean by all of this. I guess I'm just. Grateful. Grateful I'm alive. Grateful I have this blog. Grateful for the numerous and wonderful new friends I've mad lately. Grateful that in spite of everything, I'm still me.

Goodnight, I'll see everyone tomorrow and/or Monday (whenever I'm not busy).

I love you guys. I do. Securi dormi.

[oh-munda-kukkad-kamaal-da]

Hey*not here to hate you* .. okay, agreed its a joke and now calm down. Here, have a hug. I like Taylor's music and she is a good person I guess... And it made me so happy when i saw that you send in flowers/good morning messages/asks to your cute lil moots. It was your "funny" opinion and i guess you are one of those okay to being rude and veryy straight-forward.. and btw your music taste isn't even bad, i like a few of the songs you have under Spotify tag. You are cute. Stay hydrated, Vighnesh.*hugs you again AJSKAJAKAJAK*💙

Idc anon. I'll say again, bigger. I've done the best i can to make people happy for the past months. I've had sleepless nights coz someone wanted to rant. I've skipped studying for boards coz someone was anxious and talking about hurting themselves. I wake up every morning and the first thing i check is if it isnt 12 already, go to pinterest download a flower picture and send it to 20 people. For what? It doesn't even give me anything. I just wanted to make people happy with the little love i have coz i never feel loved. No one's there for me when i cry. No one's there for me when i stare at the knife thinking to cut my veins. I just wanted to be that person to others. Ik how it feels when you have no one. Ik how it feels to love an artist. I've spent 2 literal years locked in my home, with people who fed me hate all day, and i had no irl or offline friends. Do yk how that feels? Do yk how it feels to talk to someone after 2 years? Its so weird. I spent 2 years just listening to K391. And you think idk what it is to love an artist. I remember the day when i first listened to K391. It was something in August 2019, i had planned that day to die. I was waiting for my mom to sleep so that i can silently go in the next room and hang myself. That's when i listened to K391. He gave me a dream, he gave me a new life. I promised myself that i would never harm myself and be like him someday. Idk how much you love TS, but my love for K391 will always be more than that. He's the reason I'm breathing, he's the reason I'm alive. Everyday i want to die, and everyday he reminds me that i promised to be like him. But idc if someone talks shit about him. Why does it even matter? K391 for you isnt what he is for me. I dont hate TS, and i dont think she's ugly. I find her really cute tbh. But sorry I'm immature. I didn't know people can get so offended if i say something like that. Coz tbh, people expect others to react how they themselves would have reacted. And i never would have been offended over someone calling K391 ugly, or shit. I probably would have added a lol in that post and scrolled ahead. But I'm sorry, i expected too much of people. You literally judged my character, my personality. You judged everything I've ever done for my so-called friends. You judged me that i would hate my friends coz they're ugly. I mean ofc. For my entire fucking life I've tried to find people who care about me, but i would hate them only because they're ugly. I feel betrayed. Ik I'm wrong. But what's worse is, that everyone made me feel like a pariah, an outcast. This is the only place i called home, and it is a ruin for me now. Because I tried giving every amount of love for people, but they judge me coz i called their favourite artist ugly👍

[puppy-phum]

8 Shows to Get to Know Me

thank you for tagging me josi @wanderlust-in-my-soul​​ ♥ am always happy to talk about shows that are important to me~

(tried to write these down in order from oldest to newest! meaning: when they came into my life and changed me)

I. Merlin (2008-2012)

one of the first shows i ever watched from a streaming site (aka illegally online haha), tho i did start watching it while it was airing on our tv. i adore the atmosphere, the world, the characters, and the whole journey throughout all five seasons. it feels whole. the fandom here is also amazing, even if i mostly watch it from afar ♥

II. Theory of Love (2019)

am not really sure when exactly i watched this for the first time, but i have vague memories of the last ep or the special ep only having just aired. it was one of my first introductions to bls - to good and more thoughtful bls - and i loved it with my whole chest. after rewatching it a year ago, i can still say it’s one of those shows that has rearranged something permanently in me. 

III. Sense8 (2015-2018)

the show that feels like it was made for me. it’s just so full of things i love: fantasy, mysteries, action, character bonds, found family, love, acceptance, understanding, and even psychological themes. i love each of the characters very dearly and enjoyed all of their relationships with each other. i also loved what this show did with intimacy, both the emotional and physical kind, by showing how it can be a source of great comfort. 

IV. The Untamed (2019)

my first ever cdrama that opened up a whole new world for me. it became one of my first ever big hyperfixations, one of my great loves. it let me dive into the world of other cdramas and so even more great shows. and it brought me to many new things and ppl here on tumblr after leading me into editing and so to the mdzs network ♥

V. The Lost Tomb 2 / Explore With The Note (2019)

i cannot really pack dmbj into only one show bc each of the adaptations has given me something to chew on, but tlt2 is always my baby. it is the show that made me love pingxie, the show that made me insane about their story, and the show i would die for. it gave me serious brainrot for such a long time, and even if it’s not the best one of the adaptations, it’s still very, very dear to me.

VI. You’re My Glory (2021) 

i never thought a romance show would get to me but this one did in so many ways. it taught me some precious lessons and i think it changed how i see accomplishments, dreams, and working hard to reach personal goals. it gave me hope and strength, and it just made me believe in love that is comfortable and adjusts to your needs. 

VII. Bad Buddy (2021)

the show that changed me about a year ago. the show that somehow opened up a lock inside of me, that allowed me to feel new things, that comforted me and understood me. idk if any bl can ever feel as much home as bb does. little did i know that when i started watching this silly bl during the christmas it was still airing, it would consume me, heart and soul, and then lead me here, wrapped up in this bl world. 

VIII. Vice Versa (2022)

if there’s one show to define me right now, to define me for the past year, it’s vice versa. it’s everything to me in every sense. it’s a show i go to when i want to cry, or smile, or feel warm, or happy, or sad, or delighted, or comforted, or loved. it’s a show that feels like a hug, a show that heals me in all the ways i need to be healed. it means so much to me. and it doesn’t hurt that it’s still one of the most beautiful bls i’ve ever seen ♥ (i could write essays of vv, tho at the same time it feels like the jane austen quote, “if i loved you less, i might be able to talk about it more”)

some honorary mentions: 

The Long Ballad (2021), Not Me (2021), My Country: The New Age (2019), The Blood of Youth (2022), and 3 Will Be Free (2019)

tagging: @leonpob​ @stormyoceans​ @dimpledpran​ @hils79​ @psychic-waffles​ @ardentlytess​ @oswlld​ @sanoreo​ ♥

[scatterpatter]

Mnnngh art vent under the cut

I really miss when art was easy for me. It used to come so, so easy, even though I'd say my art wasn't as good as it is now. Like I'd def say I've improved, but its so much harder to get art out now than it used to be

I look back at the art I used to make and I seriously lament how easy it was. Even if it was just doodles, I could get so many out, I remember back in like 2019 i could often get at least one doodle out a day and it felt great. It was my outlet, my way I connected with others, the way I shared ideas and made stories, and now I feel that outlet has been practically severed and it really, really hurts

Artfight def hurts the worst. I was so excited for this year, so ready to reconnect with a lot of my friends and bond over silly AF attacks, and it was genuine! I didnt have any big plans this month other than just doing my job so I was so happy to do this. July last year was awful, I was in a horrifically abusive situation and that abuse reached its peak last July, I was in a bad bad place. But I've completely cut that abuser from my life and I'm in a much better space, so I really thought this July would be me turning things around

But as soon as I got a lot of attacks, I just- fucking shut down. I kept thinking on how much "make up revenges" I'd have to do and it got to the point where I'd get overwhelmed every time I picked up my tablet. What became "Hehe can't wait to make art for my friends!" Quickly spiralled into "Oh god I need to do so many revenges I cant keep up", and it just made me catatonic and I hate that. And the worst is that I know no one's exepcting me of anything, I dont have to revenge everyone, its all for fun- I know its just this expectation im putting on myself and im the only one disappointed in myself but I just cant stop how catatonic its left me and its really tough to deal with because ive only done 1 attack so far. Ive spent the entirety of July going "shit i need to work on attacks. Its ok ill do it later." And now its July 31 and ive only done one. I set a goal of doing at least ten. I thought ten wouldve been manageable, but I just cant do what I used to do and it really really hurts

And I keep being told that Im having a hard month. That works been stressful and working 40hr a week leaves me with significantly less free time than I had back in college, so of course i have less time/energy for art, but it still hurts because I dont. Feel like work has been that bad. Yeah its been bad but ive dealt with horrific stress before and ive handled it fine. I feel like if I go "its been a rough month" ill be saying that every month. And i dont want that. Im really healing and im getting in better places, I feel like still struggling this much doesnt feel "right". Hell my therapist just told me that i might be in remission or partial remission for my major depressive disorder. Like I have a professional telling me im getting better but I still struggle to do something that came so easily and it hurts really really badly.

Im gonna see what i can do for last minute attacks. Might not be great attacks, but i want to see if i can get something, anything out. It just hurts because i had so many ideas for my friends and I dont know what Ill be able to do for them and I feel horrible. I feel severed from them and from my main outlet of connecting with others.

And i know its just a sign of burnout or art block or mental illness or what the fuck ever. But I feel like ive been making too much progress in myental health to be struggling this hard. I love making art and i love artfight and sharing art with my friends but as soon as I try, I go completely catatonic and its really really hard because i used to be able to do this so easily and i want it to be easy again but I dont know what im doing wrong to still be struggling this hard

Idk bottom text

[reisdump]

Yk the trope i hate the most... "FRIENDS TO LOVERS"

I wasn't always like this..FTL trope used to be my fav, like its literally my biggest dream, like to have my male best friend as my lover..but that went straight downhill when I date my best friend back in 2019...I was so happy at first, like even the little things would make me giggle, act all girly and all (which wasn't really so me). But after a month, everything ended..I've dreamed of everything..graduating our grade 12 tgt, dating in college, cafe dates, getting married EVERYTHING to the point that ppl will think im insane bc I LOVE HIM SM. I was so hurt, like my heart literally broke into pieces..I hurts, so fucking much to the point that I got sick. Ever since then, I have never thought of dating again..like ever.

It's been 5 years already since then, I've moved on and completely healed... but the fear of getting heartbroken and all those things again traumatized me so bad that I still haven't dated anyone again.. I have this fear, of being in pain again..or maybe the fear of being abandoned by someone again, as if im some object that they can just throw away when they got tired of it.

I'm in my 2nd year of college now, studying for my bachelors..I have this friend, a MALE best friend from our senior, we clique off really well since the day we met..we literally hang out everywhere despite the age gap..ppl would suspect us, but we both knew that it was purely platonic(or maybe only for me?) and feel as if we don't need to explain or deny to anyone. We've been friends for almost a year now, I treat him just like my older brother since I don't have one and always envied to have one. I used to have thoughts like "Oh, he must be the one God gave me as my older brother, someone who will stick by my side and defend for me"..I was so grateful to have him, and really admire him as my best friend and as an older brother. I really thought it was all like that way, even for him but NO, it wasn't. It was that I was just too oblivious.

We were talking abt random stuff last night, and idk how we got into that topic but he somehow just started confessing his feelings for me, saying something like "I used to wonder, how do you want me to confess/propose? I've been thinking hard and know its gonna be hard bc you have high expectations, but i want to...", "Whenever I try to get away from you, you somehow always get sick and I can't help but come closer to you yet again". He totally makes me flabbergasted..like I was out of words for a minute, but I still try to act all cool..saying something like "Maybe God wants u to keep staying by my side as a good friend you are" but he keep confessing anyway😭

His words have been on my mind since then. I'm still surprised, like ever.. and i'm furious.. like im literally burning inside. But somehow, my heart broke..having this thought like I lost another best friend again. Oh, another side story- There's this boy from my batch, my old lab partner..he was really kind and sweet, he was a great friend too..he somehow have a crush on me and confess too😭

Maybe its bc of this, i'm afraid and mad at myself..like it makes me think, "What have I done? I thought I've always just look at them just as a friend but maybe i did something wrong?" ... I really don't want to lose another friend and get my heart broken just bc of these stupid feelings..idk what i'm gonna do with him..He is a great man, he's smart, ambitious, caring for ppl around him, like he literally cares for me a lot but yk, maybe bc of my past experience, I just can't do this anymore..especially with my best friend. Either he'll break my heart or I'll break his heart bc of my past experiences

I just hope that he finds someone who loves him truly and that we'll always be best friends regardless🫠

[lanomin]

Extremely long vent about skill drain in my field and also just gushing about small parrots, because that really is my whole life these days

idk man the skill drain at work is so real and it really sucks ass that I'm going to be a part of that and leave (probably) before the other keepers have worked here more than a year, other than my supervisor. I've been here for 4 years and haven't had a consistent team for more than 1 year. Like it kills me to be a part of that now, and I know it's not my fault that we're skeleton crewed to hell and underpaid and tired af and my boyfriend has gone through hell out here for pretty much 4 years and we need to leave for his physical/mental health...but I'm trying as hard as I can to show my coworkers every little bit of information before I go, but I know it won't be enough. I've seen it enough times and I remember what it was like being new, there's things I just wouldn't have known/had the confidence to do if I hadn't just physically been here for 4 years, and that's not something I can really teach. Like just being able to keep an eye on birds being off/knowing random specific repairs and cleaning techniques/keeping an eye out for blood in random spots/hearing stories from other keepers to be applied later. Like if I hadn't heard a random story from my old coworker 3 years ago about birds losing their voice being a sign of aspergillosis I wouldn't have known to even look out for that! And now it's happened I'm like fuck there's so many random small things that just don't come up, until they do. It's one thing to you know tell new employees all these things, but they just don't fully click until you've been around and seen it happen. And it's the worst on the animal care side of things because things are going to get missed, things are going to drop in quality and probably not pick back up for a while. I hate that the zoo field does this to people, because even though I also despise Nashville/Tennessee in general the zoo is a really lovely haven in the middle of this gray concrete nightmare, and the people here are really cool and unique and so passionate about biology. And the birds, oh my birds. Fuck man these birds really have me considering staying in goddamn tennessee bc I love them so much. I've 100% literally put my blood sweat and tears into taking care of them. I've seen them hatch I've seen them die in my hands I've seen them grow from the size of a quarter looking like a piece of chewed up gum into a real bird that's so beautiful with so much personality. Being able to hold a bird in your hand is like one of my favorite feelings ever, the lorikeets are so soft and funny and they love to wrestle so much. And having that trust, seeing that these smart small parrots will let you play with them (and even want you to play with them!) and trust you won't hurt them is unbeatable. But to get here I've really been through hell. At this point I've worked more 12-14 hour no break days than I can count, I've worked through -14° nights and 114°+ days. My hands are scarred and cracked year round, my legs are covered in bug bites and heat rash and bruises. I've truly grown numb to being shit on by birds. But I love how much I've grown here. I love feeling confident in my skills, remembering how nervous I was in 2019 and wondering if the birds would ever warm up to me like with my older coworkers. Now having handraised the last 2 gens of babies it feels so good to have these birds that know me, and I know them, and they come to greet me in the morning and wrestle in my hair and on my shirt. Leaving them is going to be gut wrenching for so many reasons, but I can't live out here seeing my bf so miserable. He's sacrificed so much coming out here, and we have to start our lives together but it's hard seeing your favorite place fuck you and your coworkers over so hard in the name of profit for admin paychecks and endless expansion.

Also being what feels like the last person in TN taking covid seriously is not fun, and does help lessen the pain of leaving.

Idk the summer is flying by and the plan is to potentially at least leave the job in December/January, and the clock is ticking faster than I want it too. But I also want it to get here soon so my bf can finally start his career path too, and start to be happy. And I'll have to cope with leaving with just trying to share as much info as I can, pass along every scrap of knowledge/skill I've picked up in the last 4 years as the best thing I can do for the birds now

[aliciaphen]

☆ ALICIA’S MONTHLY MEDIA MENTIONS: DECEMBER `22

Hi. I've consumed more media this month than I have this entire year. Happy New Year everyone - I hope we all make the best of what's to come.

Visual:

Guillermo del Toro's Pinocchio (2022) dir. Guillermo del Toro, Mark Gustafson: I was really excited to watch this after seeing the trailer but I wasn't expecting it to be a musical. I loved that they used a biblically accurate angel for the Blue Angel rather than the traditional look. I can't believe it took like 15 years to make it.

Split (2016) dir. M. Night Shyamalan: I rewatched this because I needed Anya Taylor Joy content and I couldn't get through the first episode of The Queen's Gambit. It's still a pretty great movie, but I hate that cheesy ending line lol.

Anastasia (1997) dir. Don Bluth, Gary Goldman: I grew up watching this movie throughout my childhood, so I already have a huge bias toward it. It's so great. The characters and their dynamic is so likable and the songs are so GOOD.

The Mummy (1999) dir. Stephen Sommers: Another film I grew up watching. It's a lot more problematic than I remember T_T. Also cheesy but it was the 90s so you could kind of get away with it.

Emily, The Criminal (2022) dir. John Patton Ford: I was surprised by how much I liked this one. It's fast-paced, which is good for my pea brain. They make the character Emily easy to empathize with. Especially now when it's hard to afford to live, vulnerable people are targeted for these "get rich, quick" scams. I remember seeing so many of those ads whenever I went on YouTube for quite some time. Idk, I liked this one.

Bo Burnham: Inside (2021) dir. Bo Burnham: I always heard people talking about how great Bo Burnham was. I remember seeing his vines, but I never got into watching his stuff. I feel like the humour doesn't quite suit my taste, but I appreciate his work ethic and his capacity for making such a high-quality musical comedy. He's pretty fucking awesome.

Dreams (1990) dir. Akira Kurosawa: In a quest to research the Japanese folklore of fox weddings during sun showers, I watched this movie. It's just so pretty. I love the last story, where it's the small village and the funeral is more of a celebration. Just a gorgeous film.

Incantation (2022) dir. Kevin Ko: Heard from my roommate that this film was really scary. And I can confirm that it was. I watched half of it from between my fingers. Story wise, though, it was quite interesting. It’d be a fun watch for a group.

Atonement (2007) dir. Joe Wright: Another gorgeous film. I’ve always seen screen caps of it and have even watched Mina Le’s breakdown of the costuming from the film. I think the visuals are stronger than the story. Emotion wise, it feels like a less hard-hitting titanic.

Extreme Job (2019) dir Lee Byeong-heon: I watched this with my roommate! It’s a fun, chill watch. Just overall a good time.

The Volcano: Rescue From Whakaari (2022) dir. Rory Kennedy: Some time earlier this year I remember seeing volcanic scarring that looked like the most intense, painful thing someone could ever experience. And I read up about the victim and they were hurt during the volcanic eruption in New Zealand a few years ago. The documentary is quite tragic, and interesting if anybody is up to watch it.

Klaus (2019) dir. Sergio Pablos: Such a cute movie. The scene where the mailman is giving paper and pencils and stamps out like it’s a drug deal actually made me audibly laugh. I’m surprised its 2D animation. It’s a really great Christmas movie for the whole family.

Brave (2012) dir. Brenda Chapman, Mark Andrews: AH. I still love this movie after so many years. I first watched it when I was in grade 5 as an “end of year” trip. It’s so good, story wise. As a young adult, I feel like I can’t relate to it as much - to my surprise. I think my older sister could probably relate to it more. I have a good relationship with my mom, which I’m super grateful for. I want to make a film about ME. Lmfao.

The Wonder (2022) dir. Sebastian Lelio: I wasn’t as interested in this film. It’s rather a frustrating watch to be honest. If you want visuals of Ireland and Florence Pugh, I’d give this one a go.

Marriage Story (2019) dir. Noah Baumbach: Ever since watching this film I’ve been seeing Adam Driver everywhere, it seems. I didn’t expect to feel for this movie as much as I did. I think the pacing was done very well. The letter reading at the end is what got me. :’(

Alice in Borderland, Season 2 (2022): Season 2 was better than season 1. Because this world and its rules are already established, I think the show got to focus more on the characters and their relationships. The action sequences were quite fun and I am SO surprised that they didn’t end it in a shitty way. I’m happy the characters got their happy ending but that there’s still room for exploration into this world. The last challenge, though was a little TOO LONG. DAMN.

Avatar: The Way of Water (2022) dir. James Cameron: Okay so I wasn’t excited or looking forward to this sequel at all. I was quite indifferent toward it and wasn’t planning on watching it in theatres. But I ended up watching it with my family and it’s literally my new hyperfixation. I’m actually listening to the original motion picture soundtrack as I’m writing - and that’s not a joke. I’ve heard people say that the story is simple, and I suppose I can agree - its basically the family having to escape from the war and a revenge plot from the enemy side. And I’ve seen people wonder why its 3 hours long. And, it definitely felt like the film would never fucking end but, then again… did I really want it to…? In that time, I felt like I could actually get attached to the characters and this new family. I often really like media that makes me go through a lot of emotions and this was one of them. I need Avatar 3, 4, 5, & 6 and whatever else James Cameron is planning. I need to go visit Pandora in Disney World, even. Zoe Saldana, I love you.

Avatar (2009) dir. James Cameron: I ended up rewatching Avatar right after coming back from watching The Way of Water. I first watched this when I was 8 years old. I never really got to appreciate the absolutely insane world building that was put into this film, but now, as a student that wants to try pursuing film and maybe (?) visdev, I’m just astounded by the creatures and the religion and the plant life of the Na’vi people and how it’s been expanded on in Avatar 2. Again, a simple story, but I felt all the emotions so I love it.

Logan (2017) dir. James Mangold: Probably one of the best superhero movies I’ve seen. It still holds up today. Another emotional ride, so I’m inclined to say it’s a favourite. It’s almost… quiet. Like - it doesn’t do too much. All the marvel movies these days are doing too much. It’s kind of embarrassing. Can you tell I’m getting a little tired of writing about all the things I’ve watched? And I’m only on visual media. Anyways - this, the original Spider-Man movies, the last Spider-Man movie from MCU, and the Spiderverse movies and maybe Winter Soldier are the only superhero movies I have the patience to watch anymore.

Knives Out (2019) dir. Rian Johnson: It was so fun! Something I don’t have to pay that much attention to because I know I’ll likely never be able to solve it. I know they spent most of the budget of this film on the cast because everyone in there is fucking crazy.

Glass Onion: A Knives Out Mystery (2022) dir. Rian Johnson: I think the first one is better.

Lead Me Home (2021) dir. Pedro Kos, Jon Shenk: It’s only about 40 minutes, so it’s a quick documentary. It’s eye opening. Makes me feel bad because I’m one of those people that don’t look homeless people in the eye when I walk past them. But I don’t think that’s the point of the doc. There’s obviously something very wrong with the housing system and to see that anybody could end up in such an unfortunate situation is scary. It’s especially sad seeing the people who have family that could help them, but I also understand their point of not wanting to be a burden on their friends or family.

Music: December 2022 Spotify Playlist

Selfish - YooA: I saw people making fun of this song but I’m actually addicted to it. YooA in that one stage where she’s wearing that fringe shirt and pink pants with her hair in a bun looks so good.

Blood Moon - YooA: I feel like I’m in a mystery movie?? Like I’m a detective trying to solve a mystery.

In My Dreams - Christy Altomare: One of the best things to come out of the Anastasia Broadway production.

Ditto - NewJeans: The girls have done it again. This time, enjoy three minutes of teenage loneliness.

Nothing Is Lost (You Give Me Strength) - The Weeknd: I wasn’t joking when I said I’m listening to the Avatar: The Way of Water soundtrack.

Into the Water - Simon Franglen: SO BEAUTIFUL. If you’re going to listen to any song from the soundtrack listen to this one.

Avatar: The Way of Water (Original Motion Picture Soundtrack - Simon Franglen, The Weeknd: Linking the album for good measure.

Books:

Steal Like An Artist by Austin Kleon: I’ve finished reading this book and it has inclined me to be better at consistently drawing in my sketchbook and journal.

Howl’s Moving Castle by Diana Wynn’s Jones: I plan on finishing this book this month. I’ll update you at the end of January.

[lc-39a]

ok feelings . uhhh what did i even wanna say. it wasn’t anything good. sorry

uh i wanna talk about how much self shipping sucks for me personally. and ik what ur thinking, “disco i thought you loved it” and the answer to that is yes i do, and i wouldn’t give it up for the world, but let me cook ok

it’s an integral part of my personality and i will never let it go, but genuinely sometimes it hurts so much. remembering there may be someone else out there feeling the same way for the same character absolutely fucking blows, and no amount of affirmations will stop that (tho i love and appreciate anyone and everyone who has ever done that). and it’s like, painful and infuriating to not have everyone in the fanbase of a thing know me and acknowledge me as Character’s Girlfriend/Wife. maybe that’s fucked up and deeply narcissistic of me, maybe it just means i’m human, idk. whatever

anyway. idk what i’m trying to say here. i think my relationship with selfshipping is so strained bc i can’t write or draw. i mean i can but it’s so hard to make myself type the right words or draw the right thing, and even when i do that i either a: don’t finish it, or b: finish it by some miracle and pretend to like the result so that i don’t just delete it. i come around to liking my stuff sometimes, and it’s nice to have a time capsule of my feelings, but like…

idk. it feels like i burn through the excited energy and then just crash and think “well… that was cringe :/” and then stop thinking about whatever ship it was about for like 5 months. and i fucking hate that so much. hang on i’m gonna go back up and put in a read more

ok that’s better (i apologize, but am appreciative, if you read this far). anyway, what else did i wanna say. oh yeah uh i hate how it’s so hard to build like, any sort of following/friend group here unless you post constantly and get commissions/have artistic talent of your own and/or ship with the currently popular media’s cool character. like when i made this blog (spring 2019) i felt like i could make friends but it became pretty clear pretty quick that it just wasn’t really gonna happen (kitty of course is the exception and she is my best friend in the entire universe, kitty if ur reading this i love you). i have had positive interactions with others on here but. idk

just feels like we’re all talking to voids bc a lot of us find it hard to get hyped about ships we aren’t familiar with the canon of, and even if we are, we’re selfshipping mainly to cope and stay focused on our ships. and that’s not a bad thing really, it doesn’t make you a bad person, it’s just something i’ve noticed

idk. in the end i kinda feel empty sometimes. i love my f/os but that doesn’t change the fact that i’m almost entirely incapable of feeling any attraction to real people. i know i’m not “broken,” and tbh life without it is a hell of a lot simpler and easier (like seriously cishet neurotypical relationship shit is so fucking stupid)… but it still hurts. especially compounded with my genuine belief that nobody in this world is meant for me (i was meant for peter, but we got separated. that sounds stupid when i type it but no take backs lol)… i just want to feel something, and believe it. that’s much rarer than you’d think

whatever. thanks for reading if you got to this point. sorry if any of this comes off as guilt tripping or any sort of manipulative. that’s not how i meant it and i care about y’all.

i just got a burst of manic energy and i wanna write out a bunch of feelings hang on a sec

[bestsincedayone]

💕//Cedes and Iyo!

send "💕" + a ship for me to fill out this. . .

combining this ship meme [ x ] with this ship meme [ x ]

FIRST DETAILS.

How did they meet? i believe it would've been royal rumble 2019. they obviously knew about each other beforehand but that'd be the first show they worked together since cedes challenged ronda and masami was in the rumble itself.

Who flirted with who first? masami probably.

Was it love at first sight or a slowburn romance? slowburn.

Did they start dating right away or were they friends before things became romantic? i can't say they were ever friends. co-workers, yeah. but i don't think there was a time when they would've called each other friends.

What was their first date? cedes took her out for sushi.

Who kissed who first? cedes kissed masami first.

Who started the relationship? cedes started it.

NEXT STEPS & HARDSHIPS.

Monogamy or Polyamory? monogamy. but i also wouldn't put it past them to try out something polyamorous. idk i just got those vibes.

Are they/do they plan on getting married? maybe?

Who proposed? Was it a yes or no? no proposal yet.

Do they want kids? Who brought it up first? no idea if either want kids. both are too obsessed with wrestling to think about having a child right now.

Do they already have kids, together or from previous relationships? no.

How often do they fight? What about? they fight pretty often. it's typically about masami and her struggles with love. but mercedes isn't fighting her about that. she's fighting for them to work through them.

Have they ever broken up? they've gone on a break for like a night or so but they've never broken up. mercedes refuses to let that happen.

Messy breakup, amicable split, remain friends, ride or die or til death do us part? it'd be this weird mix of being messy but both understanding, not being friends but always agreeing to be supportive of one another.

SEX.

In the bedroom - Vanilla, a little spice, or kinky af? a little spice.

For applicable ships - who is more dominant/submissive? they both lean more towards switch but i often feel like masami is more dominant than cedes.

What is their favorite sex position? sixty-nine.

Do either of them enjoy bringing sex toys into the bedroom? yep.

Favorite place to have sex? probably on the beach. idk. i can just see it.

Most adventurous place they’ve had sex? ... on a beach in puerto rico. i mean, cedes was there the same time wwe was there for backlash. sooooo.

Do they do anything else in the bath/shower other than wash? How often? they'll lie to you and say it doesn't happen but every time they share a shower or bath, even if they claim they won't start anything... they start something.

What are some of their favorite things about their partner sexually? probably when mercedes goes out of her way to learn dirty talk in japanese. even if it sometimes isn't said perfectly, it turns her on.

TOGETHER.

Do they have any routines/rituals in their relationship? sushi dates. it started with that and both of them love them. masami is typically good at finding the more genuine japanese places and they always make sure to go there.

How do they take care of each other when they are sick/hurt? typical stuff really. they make soup, massage tense areas, let the other vent, etc.

Who is the better dancer? mercedes.

How do they like to spend time together? traveling is their number one thing but it doesn't always get to happen, of course. second place might be nature walks.

What are their favorite non-sexual forms of intimacy? masami loves helping mercedes with her japanese.

What are some of their favorite things about their partner? cedes' stubbornness. sometimes it's annoying but it goes to show that when she wants something, that woman isn't giving up no matter what anyone says.

How do they comfort the other when they are upset? masami will just hug mercedes and let her let it all out.

Who buys the other spontaneous gifts? lately it's been mercedes. she loves buying masami stuff from japan when she goes to visit since she knows how homesick she gets when she doesn't get to go home.

What position do they sleep in? cuddling against one another.

Do they bathe/shower together? yep.

What are their favorite things to do on date nights? just spend time with one another. what they're doing really doesn't matter. just being able to spend the night with the other is their favorite part.

Do they still go on dates after being together for a while? yep

What is their love language? words of affirmation (mercedes speaking japanese to iyo) and quality time (when iyo gets home from being on the road)

Who’s a cat person and who’s a dog person? ... don't ask masami about getting a cat. let them just stick to having ryu.

Who likes the outdoors more and who likes the indoors more? both like outdoors but i feel like mercedes likes indoors more.

Who’s more social? both in a way. mercedes more on average though.

Who makes the bed every morning? masami.

Who likes to keep the house cold and who likes to keep the house warm? both like the house to be a little more on the cool side. not cold but cool.

Who takes longer getting ready? mercedes.

Who likes scary movies and who likes funny ones? both prefer funny.

Who screams when they see a bug and who ends up killing it? both.

Who is more technology challenged? masami. but she's not really that bad. she's just not on it as much as mercedes is.

Who would be more likely to burn something in the oven? mercedes.

Who talks in their sleep? mercedes.

Who leaves the cap off the toothpaste? mercedes.

Who likes getting dressed up more? mercedes -- going back to the sushi dates, i think she's probably bought some traditional japanese robes for the occasion.

Who’s better at tying ties? neither?

Who recorded the answering machine message on the house phone? ... lmao do you expect them to have a house phone?

Who’s better at planning romantic things? it's a team effort since they have to figure out when they're home at the same time.

Who takes up more space in the closet? mercedes

Who has more of a sweet tooth? masami

Who drinks more often? mercedes lmfao

Who is most likely to laugh during a serious situation? mercedes

[lovecoma]

delete later <3

[unfoundhoney]

being tommyinnit’s younger sister ↠

↠ tommyinnit x younger sister!reader ; fluff

↠ masterlist

↠ older sister ver.

↠ @ochabby @kiritokunuwu @pyrotechnics84

if you think for one second this child would not take every chance imaginable to remind every person in existence that he is the eldest child of his family you're dead wrong

not even like he’s constantly bringing you up more just like "well A C T U A L L Y"

“you call me a child but there is, in fact, people younger than me” that kind of thing

tbh he's not that much of a very stereotypical big brother

shocking i know but he’s actually really caring

he’s just always been very careful around you

like there’s this clip from a home video he posted on twitter ages ago of little 2 y/o tommy very carefully helping little infant you learn to walk

wholesome siblings moments

we love to see it

but like also we know tommy is a lot more emotionally aware/in tune than he lets on

you get to see that side a lot more than the internet

ik we all want the hotheaded tommy who would fight someone for hurting you

but i think if you ever got your heart broken, tommy would be right there to tell you you’re worth so much more than anything they could have given you

...

that’s enough of that

tommy’s a loser okay??

doesn’t matter how many subscribers he has or how much money he makes

he’s a loser

you will take every chance to remind him of this

(tommy) *says anything remotely cringey*

(you) god, you’re so lame

(tommy) HEY

it’s so great

anytime you’re on a stream w/ him you two play up the sibling bickering

you really don’t argue all that much in real life but it’s for the content

for the sake of comedy

one time wilbur jumped in a call bc he wanted to meet you

he adores you immediately

what are the simons children doing to him???? send help

(wilbur) i’m not saying you’re wrong- you’re completely right actually- but why are you so intent on reminding tommy he’s a loser?

(you) someone has to keep him humble, otherwise his head will get bigger than it already is

(tommy) I INVITE YOU ONTO MY STREAM AND THIS IS HOW YOU REPAY ME

speaking of being on streams

tommy was really hesitant to stream with you the first time

you’d been in the background of some of his earlier streams from like 2018/early 2019 or smth

but after he’d blown up he wasn’t sure if he wanted the internet to see you

there are some fucked up people on the internet & in a typical tommy fashion, he wanted to protect you from them

you (& his fans) eventually wore him down

for the sake of fiction, let’s say you start streaming on your own

you get a lot of support from tommy’s fans & tommy is your tech support anytime something goes wrong

there are a lot of compilations

once you get into the groove of things, you start averaging a couple thousand viewers per stream

bc the fans were threatening to riot, you did a stream with lani

lo and behold you two became really good friends

you two start streaming on an smp together, just basic survival

you call it smth like “little smp” bc you guys are tommy & tubbo’s little sisters idk it’s kind of endearing & cute tho

your guys’ house is the cutest thing ever

you even get tommy to convince dream to give you drista’s ign so you can add her to the server you had created (read: tommy created for you)

you three together is so chaotic it’s great

phil would adore you

it’s inevitable

kristin too

you unashamedly refer to them as your “internet parents” & the fans love it

if she wanted, you’d let kristin on the smp

(kristin) *laughs* you want me on little smp?

(you) yes!

(lani) of course!

(you) it’s a very exclusive invitation, kristin

(lani) very exclusive, once in a lifetime even

(kristin) i feel like the entire internet would hate me if i said no

(lani) they would.

(you) yeah, they would. so either you accept now or we guilt trip you into accepting later

(kristin) you two are definitely your brothers’ sisters. alright, send me the ip

you really thriving off that mumza content

with tommy & his analytical nerd side, you could probably become pretty popular

but you don’t accept all of his help bc you want to be your own creator, ya feel?

people respect that about you

there are of course the people who accuse you of only being somewhat popular bc of tommy

but you would have haters regardless or if you were related to one of the biggest minecraft streamers/mcyts right now

if it ever got really bad, tommy would talk about it

no matter how much he tries to stay away from serious talks/issues on his streams, he would tell people to back off w/o a second thought

especially if it was really affecting you

tommy would be ready to fight the world if any kind of hate online ever made you cry

other content creators always speak highly of you

you don’t have a massive following but you are very well known throughout the minecraft/streaming community

older cc’s have this instinct to defend you from hate & whatnot

there are plenty of compilations & they are all v cute

(minx) tommy’s baby sister is doing great recently. i don’t even know her but i’m seriously proud of her. she’s kind of popping off, one could say

or

(ranboo) “thoughts on s/n?” she’s doing really well. she’s doing really well… i’ve talked to her briefly & she’s great. she’s really great

honorable mention from the chuckle sandwich podcast w/ tommy (where they talked about you briefly):

(charlie) anytime i see someone hating on your sister i want to retweet their tweet & just let hellfire rain down upon them

when tommy would finally address it, he would be very clear how he does not tolerate any hate towards you

soon after, neither do his fans

people who hate on you are mass reported & just drowned out by people making edits & other fan content for you

tbh tho most people who are fans of tommy like your content

even if they don’t follow you regularly, they can enjoy the stuff you put out when it comes across their page

it’s cute & wholesome

not nearly as in-your-face comedic as tommy’s content but still funny

you really are doing well for yourself

if you pursue it later into your life, you could become big no doubt

but for now you’re just chilling having fun w/ streaming

[katierosefun]

71, 81, and 98 for the late night train asks :)

thank you for the asks!! // from these asks

71. Tell me something you don't like telling others.

oh. something i don't like telling others . . . hm.

maybe that i think of all the men (like, actual men, not just celebrities or fictional men) that i've had genuine crushes on (like, lasting crushes and crushes that make my heart flutter and not just in a brief "oh, he's cute" kind of way) were all def . . . older than me, and not just by a year. like, i think the youngest crush crush on a guy that i ever had on someone was 3 years older than me, and that was considered an outlier, and the guy who i liked and dated the most was a good 5 years older than me. i wasn't a minor at the time, but i look back on that time and still wonder, why did i do that? and also, why did he think it was a good idea to date me anyways? don't you think 19 was too young and etc.

but anyways! we're older and wiser now, and even though legally, there's nothing wrong with me dating a guy who's 5 or 10 years older than me, i think i'll still veer away from it for now, just because i know that personally, i can't deal with that kind of stuff, so i'll keep my crushes locked up in a box and etc.

81. What's the worst crime you think you're capable of committing?

oh boy (okay, for legal purposes: i have not committed any of the crimes that i am about to talk about): but probably murder? like, idk, i feel like that's the "end all be all" sort of crime that people would commit if they're just badly pushed enough. i would hope that if i ever committed murder, that it'd at least be somewhat justified.

98. What genre of film or literature do you think your life is? Comedy, romance, action, horror, etc.? Alternatively, if you were written into a fictional universe, what genre would you be best suited for?

oh . . . if my life were film, i feel like it would be a kind of coming-of-age melodrama? sort of like those films that loads of critics whine about how "nothing happens", kind of like movies like columbus (2017) or i am easy to find (2019).

or maybe a psychological thriller? i've been contemplating certain moments in my life a lot lately, and i feel like my life could sometimes easily dig into the same vibes of the anchor (2022), what with themes that are about family + love + how it can be a horrific thing sometimes.

but if i were written into a fictional universe . . . idk, i'd really want it to be a sort of ghost story. i veer away from the genre horror, because i'm not sure if it qualifies as horror--when i talk about ghost stories, i'm talking about ghost stories like the haunting of hill house or the haunting of bly manor (really, anything directed by mike flanagan) or hotel del luna or, arguably, doctor who. i would love to just be. like. a ghost or something that's not-really-a-ghost-but-is-still-very-old-and-might-not-move-on-for-a-while. how do you love something that's already dead and how do you love after feeling like you haven't moved in years kind of stories, stories about choosing kindness after years of hurt or the sadder, uglier kind of story, the one where the characters choose to cave in and turn hollow because enough is enough and etc etc etc.

[1kook]

skirt chasers - drabble i

a skirt chasers drabble bc they are my fave fictional couple to date <333

tags: coupley and domestic, jk’s terrible attempts at seducing via text, making out, dry humping, spitting (ik idk what came over me), too much talking for this to be sexual pero hey here we are wc: like 3k

entirely based off jungkook from bv3 that man had NO right to look that good and  the holy jirkenstocks (jungkook birkenstocks). wont lie this has been completely written in my drafts since November (yes 2019) and i hoarded it under the belief i would make this a whole part 2 which i did not 

que dios los bendiga <3

-

Much to everyone’s dismay, Jungkook’s spring break in Vegas with the boys is cut three days short when Jimin’s dog sitter suddenly cancels, citing a case of homesickness as enough cause to abruptly go home. When you first hear news of this, you’re preparing yourself for the return of a mopey, useless Jungkook, too drained from four glorious days in Las Vegas to carry on. What you’re not expecting is the mysterious text he sends you before boarding a five hour flight with no service (he was cheap).

kook still on vegas lockdown. Have that pussy ready when i get home

“The fuck does that mean?” Chaeyoung is the first to see the message, your screen lighting up on the kitchen counter beside you as you scrub through a mountainous pile of dishes. You try to play it off, after all, Chaeyoung had seen parts of you you hadn’t even seen, but there was no worse embarrassment than having your homegirls see your clown of a boyfriend’s ridiculousness. “He’s so romantic,” she swoons, and you shoo her away from the offending device as you wipe your hands down on your t-shirt. 

you for what?? One 20 second round 🤥

Chaeyoung suddenly cackles from over your shoulder, and you swear your soul leaves your body. 

You don’t get a response until exactly five hours and thirteen minutes later, your phone vibrating like crazy on the edge of your bathtub, and if you hadn’t given it a hearty kick and sent it flying across the room, front screen shattering into the most intricate spider web of glass shards, it would have fallen into the water. The terror. 

kook pls pick me up 

kook also haha. U r soooo funny 😑

You’re halfway to the airport, idly sitting in traffic and giving the public a free, Beyonce-like experience of The Script’s Breakeven, when you realize you’re not wearing any pants. You’re not exactly sure which part of Jungkook’s long t-shirt had tricked you into believing you were decently dressed, but you’re not too mad. After all, Jungkook’s trip with the boys had been a last minute decision that did not take into consideration your never-ending thirst for your boyfriend, so a little payback never hurt anybody. 

He’s sitting on top of his suitcase outside the airport when you get there, cute Birkenstock-clad feet swinging back and forth as he waits for you like the good boy he is. He crouches down by the passenger window, “Uh, yeah, is this the Uber?” 

You can’t even bother hiding the smile that consumes your face, and it only grows tenfold when he finally gets in and immediately leans over the center console to kiss you. “Look who’s finally back from their little bachelor party,” you murmur, eyes lidded dangerously low when he breaks away. 

“Oh, the party where I accidentally sleep away my life-savings to a stripper named Aries and then have to go home and beg for my wife’s forgiveness?” He responds immediately, devious pink tongue swiping out to lick at your bottom lip. 

You snort. “Joke’s on you, because our hot pool boy kept me company and treated me better in four days than my husband had in six years,” you mumble, finger looping into the silver chain around his neck to pull him close again. 

“Not our hot pool boy,” he whines, smile pressed adorably to your lips. 

You almost retort, but a ten-second horn blast from the car behind you has the two of you jumping three feet from each other, like teenagers caught making out in the school parking lot. 

-

Just as you’d predicted via text, Jungkook barely has the energy to walk up the steps to your apartment, much less fuck you like he’d promised. “Fuck, stop being healthy and let us take the elevator,” he grunts, pushing his suitcase onto the final platform leading to your floor.

“Nope,” you concede. “The stairs give me a good view of your ass going up.”

He shoots you a scandalized look, like you’re an old man who’d just catcalled him on the street. “Pretty sure that’s my line.”

It’s when you’re unlocking the front door, sending out a little prayer to the heavens (Chaeyoung) for the blessing of an empty apartment, that he notices your lack of proper clothing. “Oh, hell no,” he groans, immediately crowding you against the armchair nearest the door. 

You laugh, struggling to turn to face him as he nuzzles his face into your neck. “What seems to be the problem?”

He sighs against the shell of your ear, and you’d be a liar to say it didn’t send a gush of wetness to your core. Jesus, just a single puff of air from Jungkook was enough to turn your coochie into a Fruit Gusher. “Not your sexy legs again,” he whines, and you giggle when he presses those pouty lips to yours. 

“Thought I was supposed to have this pussy ready for you,” you tease, tilting your head up until your noses brush against each other. Jungkook lets a soft huff of a sigh go, eyes fluttering shut at your close proximity. 

There’s a hand that creeps along the back of your thigh, fingers pressing into the soft skin until he finally guides it upwards, hitched over his hip. The new position has your body curving backwards, tilted over the edge of the couch as he continues crowding closer and closer to you. “Baby,” he whines, and the tone and sudden usage of your favorite nickname wipes the teasing smile off your face. “I missed you so much,” he purrs, in that tone that says he knows he has you under his complete control, all he has to do is take care of you. 

Still, you try to put up some sort of a fight. “I’m sure your eyes were kept entertained in Vegas,” you retort weakly, not even bothering to hide the jealousy in your tone. 

Jungkook laughs, before puckering his lips and smothering you. Instantly, you throw your arms around his broad shoulders to pull him closer. His hair tickles your face from how long it’s gotten, and when you brush it back, collecting it into a makeshift baby ponytail, you can’t even enjoy the sight because Jungkook is pressing his rock hard member against your inner thigh. 

“You think I’m a cheater?” He muses when he finally pulls away, a little entranced by the saliva that coats your lips in a thin sheen. “Couldn’t be even if I wanted to.” Before you can ask what that even means, he’s hauling you into his arms, your legs wrapping around his tiny waist, his cock now cradled between your thighs, right where you want him most. You moan immediately, head lolling backwards at the touch you’d craved for days. “Feel that? No one gets my dick hard like you do, baby.”

Even though his adrenaline is on one hundred, and he’s clearly blinded by his lust, Jungkook still sets you down on the bed like you’re made of glass. Any comments you may have made are smothered by his lips on yours, fingers gripping your waist like it’s the first time he’s ever touched you. When he pulls away, his eyes are dark and his breath is a little heavy where it fans against the lower half of your face. 

“So pretty,” he huffs, rolling his hips against yours. You groan, eyes rolling back as the familiar feeling of your boyfriend between your legs consumes you. Jungkook presses his mouth against the skin of your neck, where the faintest sheen of sweat had begun to form the moment you unlocked the front door. 

If you thought you were loud, the sounds leaving Jungkook’s throat are teetering on the edge between a pornstar and a yodelling-enthusiast. You can’t help the smirk crossing your features. “Are you really gonna come?”

Jungkook was many things, and drama queen was definitely very high on that list. He gives you the most scandalized expression, stopping the movement of his hips to scoff. “As if,” he snorts, but you know that little eyebrow furrow a little too well. 

You snort, reaching down to his sides as you try to discreetly urge him to start up again. “Baby, your jaw is twitching,” you point out, a soft whine leaving your lips when he shifts your leg up. It’s this same sound that has him finally moving again. 

“Yeah, well,” he groans, one hand deathly gripping into your hip now, pressing you down onto the bed so hard you feel the comforter will swallow you up any minute now. “I just got my wisdom teeth removed, ‘member?”

Your retort is briefly cut off by the cry you let out when he ducks down to suck a mark beneath your jaw. “M-Months ago,” you weakly respond, 

Jungkook ignores you in favor of using his Hulk strength to fold you in half, groans borderline animalistic as he grinds his cock into your soaked panties. His jaw is tight like you’d said, but you can tell he’s holding himself back. He hated coming before you, seldom doing it unless it was one of those rare days where he wanted you to pamper him. 

“Fuck,” he grunts, swallowing your pitiful whines before pushing his tongue down your throat. There was something sexy about your boyfriend being so turned on that his saliva production was off the charts. “You’re gonna ask me to do that thing again, aren’t you?” He predicts. 

All you can do is nod, and Jungkook smirks. “Ah,” he says, much like a doctor would, and you comply, mouth wide. You see the muscles beneath his jaw twitch, and a moment later he’s leaning over you with puckered lips, a glob of saliva begging to drip down. 

The moan that catches in your throat has him smiling, tongue peeking out to cut the bridge of saliva that connected the two of you, and you want to tell him you love him, but then he’s raising his eyebrows at you, motioning for you to swallow, so you do. “Absolutely filthy,” he grins, and then returns to thrusting against you. 

As much as you liked to tease him, he’s good at fulfilling the sexual aspects of his boyfriend role, and he guides you to your orgasm moments later. Of course, he does so by toying with your tits just the way you like, lips pressed firmly to yours as you become a boneless heap beneath him. “That’s it, pretty baby,” he murmurs, pressing one final kiss to your lips before he’s shifting back onto his haunches, tugging you closer until the backs of your knees are cradled carefully in his elbows. 

Despite your transcended state, you love watching Jungkook get himself off, and your eyes flutter as you watch him thrust sloppily against your soiled panties. They’re soaked by your own arousal, and had Jungkook’s sweats not been as dark as they were, you’re almost certain you’d see how they stained. 

He comes a moment later, body twitching and fingers tightening against your skin. His chest heaves, head lolling back as he tries to regain his senses. Silence envelopes the room. 

“Do you wanna talk about it?” You blurt, no longer able to pretend like something isn’t completely wrong. 

Jungkook rolls his neck out, a satisfying crack resounding, as he angles to look at you again. His tongue is poking against his cheek in that cocky way it does sometimes, and he furrows his brows at you. “What?”

You shuffle up onto your elbows, motioning towards him with the vaguest wave possible. He blinks. You groan. 

“What did you do?” You question, and immediately his eyes go wide and shiny in that way they do when you’re reprimanding him and he doesn’t see the wrong in his ways. 

Cute little lips forming a pout he remains as confused. “Nothing? We really just went to fuck around and get drunk—“

“Kook.”

“You don’t actually think I cheated, I thought we were just joking? Unless…” he trails off, doe eyes suddenly filled with fear. “You weren’t?”

“Jungkook—“

He intercepts you, “did you do something while I was gone? Who was he? Or she? Wow,” he huffs to himself in disbelief. “I don’t even know you well enough to know if you’re into more than just men.” The frown on his face is getting deeper with each word he utters and you almost can’t believe how dumb he could be. “No wonder… am I a terrible boyfriend?” He asks, voice louder and more concerned than it’s been all night. 

“What the fuck are you even talking about?” You say, and Jungkook looks just as lost by your response as you are with his. “Because I’m talking about whatever this is,” you explain, reaching up to drag a hand through his dual-colored locks. 

They’d been carefully tucked under his bucket hat when you’d picked him up, a tuft of blonde peeking out from in front of his ear. It wasn’t until he’d tipped you over the side of the couch that it had tumbled off. Of course, at the time, there had been other pressing matters at hand than wondering why your Hannah Montana blonde boyfriend had returned as Todoroki, which is why you’d waited until now to revisit the topic. 

Jungkook doesn’t move for a solid ten seconds. Then, as if processing the emotional episode he’d just given you, he gives you a sheepish smile. It’s one of those smiles where his lips press together thinly and cutely and the apples of his cheeks seem like the squishiest things in the world. “Oh…” he says, voice soft and nothing like the man that spit in your mouth five minutes ago. “You like it?”