#it hurts i want 2019 to be good but idk how i can ever really be happy after what happened

[o0o0thorn0o0o]

Late, I know, but…! Only by two days, so I’ll still label/tag it:

Ichihime Week, Day 7: Mythical Lovers / Rainbow

I was planning on adding in magpies in the background this time, but I was getting lazy, and it’s already late, so maybe next time ^^;

(Also I was thinking of making a rainbow version, but it didn't come out as I would have liked? Idk. I still think it’s cute, though, so I put it under the cut)

Alrighty, listen: I really didn’t mean to wait this long to post. But, like, very shortly after Eid, my iPad’s storage filled up, like, to the point I couldn’t even access my mail (that’s how I found out, pfft). I was wondering why I’d ever need 256 GB 4 years ago… but still, it was $100 extra bucks. Sure, it was a grad gift, but 128 GB was expensive enough—still a lot of storage, too… Not enough, clearly!

Hoarding layers (and recoloring my own art, pfft) has really caught up to me… but also, it wouldn’t help too much if I didn’t either. After deleting what I could bear to part with, that took away around 5 GB, but merging layers in other works barely made a dent.

So I’ve spent these past few weeks wondering what to do, thinking about emailing my 2019 (imported from my 5s) and 2020 works to an email I also created 4 years ago for some reason I totally forgot about and never used so that I don’t end up taking any space in my actual one and then uploading them onto two (since I really don’t want my files corrupting) USBs via my laptop, trying to get those USBs from Target (but since I was adamant this time in getting 256 GB USBs—I don’t want to have to worry about storage for a longgggg time—there were none in stock), ordering them off of eBay instead since my dad insisted on their cheapness, waiting a week for them, then transferring them to that email and uploading them onto its Google drive if the files was too big…

But that was taking much too long and still left space on my iPad while I was doing it. I managed to complete the 2019 and 2020 pieces from my iPad, but it also only ended up being around 1 GB… So, like, I need to clear more years (breaks my heart, it does ;~; Sure, I still have access to them via that email and those USBs, but it’s not convenient anymore, and there are still pieces I plan on getting back to… ackkkkk).

Contemplating it some more and discussing it with a friend, much as I abhor subscription services, I finally decided to purchase a premium membership on Ibis for that 20 GB of cloud storage. I can afford the 30 bucks a year, and I like the app anyway—serves me good—and not having to watch an ad every 18 hours to access my go-to brushes would be nice, plus having access to the other stuff, but yeah: ✋🌈✨cloud storage✨🌈 🤚

Anyway, I’m pretty sure a good chunk of what’s taking up my space is actually the cache, as I’m already more than halfway through my drawings, and I’m not sure if I’ll reach that 75 GB of storage Ibis was apparently taking up with just my drawings. So I’ll probably need to download everything, then delete the app and redownload it ‘cause stupid IOS doesn’t let you easily clear it 🫠

Anyway, I really thought I’d be done by now, but am not—that said, I managed to clear out around 10 GB off of Ibis (not my iPad; I somehow managed to gain back 5?? Somewhere?? I’ve no clue; I don’t see it), which is wayyy more than enough to get one drawing done for IH week, so I paused the whole storage thing for now. I actually tried to get day one’s drawing done on the 6th, but I’m dealing with perspective that’s hurting my brain, so I decided to get day seven’s done instead, ‘cause I thought I’d be on time…

Me? On time? Man, who knew I was so funny… 😒

But yeah, day seven is done! I’ll definitely revisit that day one drawing in the future, but not anytime soon. As if I wasn’t backed up already, this whole storage mess has backlogged even further, and there are other dates coming up 😮‍💨 And, y’know, gotta finish the storage transfer, too… Ahhhhhhhhhh!

Anyway, on a more positive note, gradient maps are actually very neat to use—had a little too much fun, eheh. I won’t confess how much time I spent testing it out on this piece, but here be my favorite:

They’re so golden <3 ☺️

[himluv]

It's morning, and I'm still in bed, having pre-coffee thinky thoughts. Mainly about Veilguard lol.

I'm thinking about why I haven't talked about Solavellan in datv much yet. This blog has become an almost exclusively Lucanis Dellamorte blog these past few months 😂. But, I've been obsessed with Solavellan for 10 years. They are my otp. Soooo what's going on?

Under the cut because length and SPOILERS.

1. I genuinely haven't fully processed the Solavellan ending yet. I've done it twice and I sobbed both times and it hurts SO GOOD. But I still feel like I haven't let it get all the way in yet. I'm keeping it at arm's length just a little bit because... Ow.

2. I'm mad at Solas. We see him at his worst in datv. It's been a decade of solitude and desperation and he is wearing that Fen'Harel mask non-stop. He's lost sight of himself (if he ever had a good grip on the concept in modern times). And... I didn't really understand just how much I loved Varric until this game. Because, now I can't see fanart of him without tearing up. I can't play datv without crying over him. And while that also hurts SO GOOD (and I love tragedies), I also cannot forgive Solas for killing Varric and then LYING about it and USING Varric's memory against Rook. Like... I have a lot to unpack there but it feels unforgivable to me.

3. But, how I feel and how Riallan Lavellan feels are two different things. She loves him still, after everything. Not to say they won't have some very big serious talks in the Fade and that she isn't mad at him, but she ultimately does forgive him. And, so there's a gap between me and Ria at the moment that's going to take time for me to process before I can start writing them again (I very much want to write them again).

4. I love my Rook, Embria Aldwir. Like, so so much. And I LOVE Riallan, but she's much more removed from me and my personality than Embria is. When I play DA games for the very first time I usually play as/for myself, then make a second character to RP and actually establish my canon. But... in datv, Embria hit all the right boxes and notes. My first run felt like canon and I have latched onto this girly harder than ANY of my previous DA ocs. I can't wait to explore in fic how Embria and Riallan's paths cross and what their relationship becomes, but I'm not there yet. I'm still cooking.

4. My biggest reason for not yapping more about Solavellan is that... The fandom around Solas has become incredibly toxic and almost... Invasive. Like, I love him and love seeing gorgeous art of him and Lavellan, but also... The takes are frequently bad and the body swap mods are getting egregious (like c'mon, he would not do that and you know it). I know this is a personal squick, but for me, anything that feels that disingenuous to the character is a complete turn off. Seeing him do things he would. not. do. makes me wonder if people even actually like him? Or just some weird version they've cooked up in their mind these past 10 years. Idk, I'm just seeing a lot of stuff in Solavellan spaces that is actually making me like Solas less, because of how fans treat him AND other fans. Which... Sucks. So, I'm trying to preserve MY Solavellan, my beloved, tender, tragic otp, and to do that I can't really participate in fandom about them. At least, not right now when everything is fresh and feverish.

So, yeah. That's where my head is at re: Solavellan. I love them. I just have a lot of complicated feelings about them right now. So I'm gonna keep playing and learning with Lucanis and Embria. Don't be surprised if I come out of nowhere with a giant fic involving all of them in like, five years (I didn't start writing Solavellan until 2019, even though I shipped them right after DAI released).

And, if you made it this far and also enjoy tender, tragic Solavellan, I have a fic to give you:

Inevitable

It's complete, and follows Riallan and Solas from the very beginning, to just after Trespasser. Canon-compliant, in-between moments with eventual smut.

It is the fic of my heart. I spent the better part of four years writing it and sobbed when it was done. Please read it if it sounds like your jam.

And of course, it comes with a playlist. Enjoy!

[batsplat]

do u think marc still cares about the feud w valentino? to me, I’ve always thought his continuous denial of it affecting him in any way kind of shows just how much he’s not over it. do u think his desire to win the championship this year is at all colored by the fact that it would mean finally equaling vale’s?

well he released a documentary that shoehorned in a valentino rivalry segment like two years ago, so going to go with 'not over it'

I mean, tbh, I do get the denial that it's still affecting him because there's not really a RIGHT answer to those questions. what exactly are you supposed to say? he is... perhaps a little overly diplomatic in dealing with that line of questioning, but that's just kind of his approach to everything these days. it's only in an extremely controlled environment like a self-produced documentary where he's going to at least somewhat open up. which was his way of Getting Out The Message about what he wants his current line on the conflict to be. obviously he said at the time that he simply couldn't avoid talking about sepang 2015 in that thing but like... of course he could lol. it's a self-produced documentary about his injury comeback. it's not about his entire career, it's not even about his premier class title winning campaigns - given I've heard tell of another rival who secured three runner-up finishes to marc and somehow completely avoided any mention. you can tell that the actual thought process behind the documentary was injury stuff + valentino rivalry and then it just had some extra jorge and dani stuff... tacked on

anyway idk of course he's not over it, I know there's some people that take marc at face value when he says this stuff but like... obviously don't do that?? it's going to be a mix for marc, right - there's hurt, there's regret. all this stuff marc still associates with valentino, this childhood idolisation and memories of a positive relationship with his erstwhile hero. to some extent, this isn't even about valentino per se... valentino is symbolic of lost childhood innocence, nostalgia for a time he can never return to. it comes back to marc's whole injury narrative, right - the fear of being irrevocably broken, of having lost something that will remain lost. there was a time where things were simpler, but we can never return. marc still just has a lot of memories associated with valentino, whether that's supporting him as a child or competing against him in the early years. those tussles in 2013-14 will have been super formative to marc and also a time of uncomplicated joy, when marc won a lot and everybody loved him and things were easier and everything hurt less. that's why when acosta shows up, marc is constantly comparing it to his own experiences fighting the og aliens. it's mourning a lost youth, this bittersweet exercise in nostalgic yearning

but also obviously, there's anger. idk marc isn't ever going to say this so ofc you just sort of have to play it by ear but... come on. marc is an athlete. you use whatever you can to motivate you. think back to misano 2019, where marc made a nuisance of himself all weekend until valentino eventually gave him an excuse to fire himself up... there's plenty of rage and spite in these misano performances over the years, often channelled deliberately towards the cause. it's this amalgamation of negative emotion towards valentino, towards italian fans, towards the press, towards the concept of italy... towards academy riders, obviously. the transitive properties of feuding. it's all well and good for marc to dismiss bez, but would he have reacted in quite the same way with quite the same lasting coldness if it hadn't been a valentino protege to provoke him? and now that he needs to beat pecco, ultimately it is smart and the correct thing to do to draw on any source of motivation possible - including pecco's link to his old enemy. marc feels wronged by valentino, he feels wronged by everyone associated with valentino, deeply so. this is how you get him talking about how he was 'only 22' during sepang 2015 - it's not just an open wound, it's a grievance. he's got many bones to pick. but ultimately his number one goal is winning, so the main practical purpose of these bones is to give himself more motivation. just an extra reason to beat this guy, right. it's also worth pointing out to some extent he has to care because he's still semi-regularly being asked about the feud - the whole thing is very much part of his story in the sport, it's very closely associated with him, so to some extent he just can't avoid it. he's not over it because he's not being allowed to be over it

that being said, do I think marc is motivated by wanting to match/beat valentino's records... not really. I think marc has always been different from valentino in that he doesn't need a story to motivate himself. valentino was always the more restless one, the one who couldn't handle sustained dominance, who needed to find SOMETHING to keep himself interested. marc is far, far better at just winning for winning's sake. I've said it before and I'll say it again, but if you said the words 'four year contract' to valentino, he'd jump out of a window. valentino fled honda when he was winning, marc retreated when he was losing. so like... ultimately marc isn't massively motivated by beating valentino's title count because he doesn't NEED to be. he wants to win! it's that simple! and he's also been on a personal journey that's really only tangentially related to valentino. he's been through hell and back over the last few years, he's gone through some pretty rough patches and experienced a fair bit of hopelessness - and now he has the chance to complete the comeback and win another few titles. that's immensely personally satisfying in a way that goes beyond any grudge. he wants to win because he's always wanted to win, he wants to win because of all it's cost him to get back to winning, simple as

ultimately, I do think he wants to beat valentino's title count - but it's more something that makes it... extra satisfying, rather than something that constitutes a primary source of motivation. sure, there is a bit of spite mixed in there, so I guess in that sense it's a qualified agreement with the ask. to some extent, his desire to be champion once again will be a little bit coloured by knowing he'll be equalling valentino's title count. he's been chasing valentino his entire career, in a way. his emergence and rise as a top level rider was intimately tied to his status as the next valentino; from early on, people were speculating about whether he'd manage to beat valentino's records. motogp riders love the word 'reference' for some reason - and valentino really is the ultimate reference. marc has spent a career orienting himself around that reference in one way or another. so inevitably, all of that baggage and history and spite does colour that desire. to some extent, the same principle as with valentino applies in reverse - I'm wary of ascribing too many of marc's motivations to valentino, even though the main difference here is that marc is still an active rider and has good cause to be using whatever he can as extra fuel. so it does matter, but it's not the main thing that matters. some media outlets and take-havers in the motogp community frame marc's title quest as solely being about beating valentino, which is obviously very silly. the grudge isn't irrelevant, but it's far from being the main factor either. in my opinion, anyway

[slaaverin]

hi so just wanted to share smthing idk if you have been following the blue moon tarot blog/website for long but i got into in 2021, ruined my peace of mind, bc the relationship of jm with himself and esp with jk seemed so toxic, so i just stopped reading or idk believing it on some level too. bc i remember once reading that jm literally saw jk as a replacement of his own brother in the start and so people shipping them is sooo wierd. then he always sort of uses and takes (energy?) from jk rather than giving anything back. like jk is progressing but jm is always for some reason going down or afraid all the time when i read any of his readings done by her (again not coming at her she always seemed to be a great positive eprson when ever i read her blogs, just from what i got of jm from her readings thats all nothing more) and idk it just made me a bit frustrated too bc he is so wrapped up in his fears, that any hope for progress for him seems hopeless honestly with how every fruther reading, jm somehow always seemed to drag himself down, get caught up in his feelings, esp drag jk down to his troubles after having a toxic relationship - like i remember one years ago in one of the reading it was said how jm sort of doesnt let jk grow up in his eyes and jk pretends he hasnt grown up too to have the relationship or so that jm doenst lose his balance that he had at that time, basically self sacrificing honestly and made it seem all the more toxic and not at all healthy. (so i sort of agree with anon that says it all seems sad rather than good, bc one thing i noticed is over teh years jm has a lot of potential to be great and amazing but he is so caught up in himself/fears/all the wierd stuff that he doesnt let himself be, like everything points to be negative with him and his future all the time.

i mean on the surface it seemed he is totally at peace from the clips in teh past two years esp with his music (which was honestly decent though the whole album never clicked with me, but again its his album his songs so i appreciate all of them regardless) like he is working on himself his vocals his music and his growth but tbh it never seems enough as per his tarot readings or the fact that he always is in that confusing dark place (bluemoon blog once stated its like jm is in this dark chaos place where he goes back to his tendencies and doesnt want to seem to get out of it ages ago tho, like its being back and forth, and jk honestly is in a good place at the top of the hill, who for some reason keeps coming back to help)- again toxic as fuck. and also said how they are planning to help eo out, i wld like to believe he more at peace with himself but idk it always seems tumultuous and toxic.

Sry I know this got so long but idk I had this in my head for so long during my early army days when I saw tarot reading, and somehow your blog is the only one where i have even seen anything reagrding tarot readinsg that were done, so just wanted to see if mayeb you have any thoughts about it. and again, blue moon website, whoever she is, is really cool and amazing; none of this was in any way meant to be hurtful or mean or anything, really, just what I got or interpreted from your readings and conclusions, really nothing else. Thank you!

Hello!

Thank you for reaching out anon and sharing your thoughts.

I have been following bluemoonpunch's readings since 2019, a while I don't have every single details in mind still, I can only offer my own interpretation.

Jimin has a damn difficult place in the soul body (heart chakra) and while they separated energetically he had a hard time with it. He was always the one to take care of the others, and while figuring out who he was and what's his new place/direction was, I think he needed some support, that's also why JK showed up in his reading (a little place where they met).

According to the readings, Jimin had a cycle where he would retreat, and JK left him alone during that time only being there for him if he needed. In a way he had ups and downs, like everybody. We could see that Jimin in the past would easily doubt himself, that we know.

But to me anon in these readings nothing ever told me jikook's relationship is toxic at all. It's only a deep and complex and ever evolving relationship like any other. Of course it cannot be all rainbows and unicorns.

Jimin literally saw Jungkook grow, he watched him in real time become a man. If they are indeed romantically involved then his view of Jungkook must have evolved over time. We all know Jimin had a crush on Jungkook from the very start. But at that time Jimin saw him still like someone he had to take care of (like the rest of the group) because Jungkook was so young and not yet mature. But with time Jungkook grew within himself and became who he is today, someone who does take care of Jimin when he needs it too. I think that is normal and a sign of healthy relationship, that they can BOTH rely on each other now.

Of course I feel between the two Jimin is the one more careful, and maybe the one more "down to earth" about all the things that could go wrong. But nothing in this screams toxic, he is only pragmatic because he cares about Jungkook and what could potentially happen to him.

Jungkook is more carefree and open. This man is time and time again reinforcing his love and full devotion to Jimin.

Maybe like the readings say Jimin still has fears but honestly who could blame him?

They are in an impossible, potentially very dangerous situation! With his role of caretaker of course he feels most responsible and worried.

The things you saw that sounded toxic to you, to me is normal in any part of any relationship. People are never perfect, they have flaws, a particular way of their psyche to function, feelings to deal with. What we could see from them since 2013 never came accross as toxic to me, quite the contrary. Of course I don't doubt behind the scenes it's not always perfect, people fight sometimes, people have doubts, fears, sadness, insecurities, but it doesn't mean their relationship isn't healthy. It just means they are humans.

They've been together for a long time, it's normal for the relationship and perspectives to evolve.

Personally the last reading confirmed everything I ever thought about them.

The fact that their potential is to be like a perfect balance of feminine and masculine, like some kind of cosmic couple, it makes so much sense. They always have balanced each other. When they are together they just fit perfectly, they are in sync, they just click.

I will even offer my interpetation of their relationship expanding on the readings, I think jikook are supposed to embody the energy of a cosmic couple as blue said, because I personally feel that is part of their mission.

What they have is a perfect example of what unconditional love means. It is the perfect balance. In a way what they have is not even about them at all! Their relationship is more a display of a concept of unconditional love, some kind of roadmap to show to people and to tell them "see, it's possible, a love like this exist, people with that much light exist, see this example, get inspired by it, grow your light and your love and you may be able to experience it someday".

Images and sounds, basically anything is a frequency. When we watch jikook's relationship, we can feel the frequency of their love, we literally receive unconditional love from them. It opens up our own heart, raising our own frequency. So it's part of their mission of raising the consciousness of the planet, having this relationship. I feel it's part of a way bigger plan.

People will either embrace it or reject it completely. Usually people with a too low frequency will reject it because they cannot stand too much light.

People who receive too much light will have to process their low frequency energy so everything has to come up from the surface which is a pretty painful process so they might choose to not take at all. Which is why so many people reject jikook's bond, because if they accepted the frequency is would make them feel very uncomfortable stuff first and it's not a match to them (It is not always a conscious choice).

People with low frequency rather stay in a state of "illusion" because low frequency is literally nothing but illusion by nature.

I went on a tangent here but what I mean to say is that jikook's relationship has never been more exciting that today (after so many years! Who would have thought they would commit to each other again with military?) So I cannot wait to see how it all evolves from now on, what this potential future as a cosmic couple will look like (can it be even better than now? I can't imagine).

Ease your mind anon, jikook are in a good place. There is nothing to worry about. Let's all enjoy the travel show 💜

Thanks you again for sharing your thoughts I know mine are all over the place because I am not used to answer asks yet so I'm sorry about that! If nothing bluemoonpunch's readings always reassured me more than anything else, especially the last one!

Take care 🥰

[dedkake]

For the numbered ask meme: SGA (optional anime of choice if already answered), McShep, John Sheppard, annnnnd The Mummy/SG-1, please?

<333 thank you!!

001 | SGA

Favorite character: john sheppard

Least Favorite character: elizabeth weir am i allowed to say that? landry. get that guy outta here.

5 Favorite ships (canon or non-canon): john/rodney, ar1 ot4, carson/john, john/ronon, john/teyla

Character I find most attractive: not the question for me.

Character I would marry: carson? jennifer? lorne?

Character I would be best friends with: prrrrooobbably jennifer lol i'm not a very adventurous person.

a random thought: what happened to the "large, particularly venomous snake-like creature that inhabits the mainland" on new lantea?

An unpopular opinion: season 4 has the tightest plot

my canon OTP: i like that ships are not the focus of this show actually

Non-canon OTP: john is my fandom bicycle. get that boy with everyone.

most badass character: they're all kinda badasses, aren't they?

pairing I am not a fan of: i'm not terribly interested in ships that don't involve john, altho i see the logic behind most of them. so i'm probably not going out of my way to read them. or read longfic of them. or sparky sorry.

character I feel the writers screwed up (in one way or another): jjjjjjennifer. she was done so dirty by s5 and canon mckeller.

favourite friendship: john and teyla. teyla and rodney. teyla and ronon. ronon and john. john and rodney. radek and rodney. idk all of them. they are all such good friends and i love it.

character I want to adopt or be adopted by: please no. they are all my children, but i don't want the responsibility of any of that.

002 | mcshep

when of if I started shipping it: ngl i fought this one. when i started watching the show for real in early 2019, i told myself rodney didn't deserve to be redeemed from sg1 and that i wasn't going to fall into the Big Ship Trap. but dang i really did fall lmao. i love them.

my thoughts: friends to lovers, my beloved. they are so silly dorky and devoted.

What makes me happy about them: the friendship! the saving each other! the talking to each other on the comm! the bickering! all the things!!

What makes me sad about them: as i said before. i love angst. so i'm not really sad about the sad things. they can pine away in repression forever and i will be delighted.

things done in fanfic that annoys me: woobie rodney.

things I look for in fanfic: hurt/comfort. subby john. idk. pining. friends to lovers. quiet realizations. the inevitability of it all. domesticity. shepwhump.

My kinks: they can be so kinky together. d/s is good with them.

Who I’d be comfortable them ending up with, if not each other: john: anybody. rodney: uhhhh

My happily ever after for them: they retire as together civilians, but maybe not on atlantis.

003 | john sheppard

How I feel about this character: he's my sweet space disaster child

All the people I ship romantically with this character: everyone .. ..

My non-romantic OTP for this character: also everyone.

My unpopular opinion about this character: i'm not sure i have any lol. he looks good in every hat, i'm not picky. maybe--don't put him in charge of anything?

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon: omg i wanted at least one episode where he was captured/stranded/in peril and the team actually saved him without him doing 90% of the work himself. i want it SO BADLY. show this boy he's loved and cared for please. (istg i thought the team was going to kill kolya for john in irresponsible on my first watch and i'm still disappointed)

my het ship: john/teyla or john/sam fwb

my fem/slash ship: mcshep, john/ronon

my OTP: mcshep

my OT34: ar1

my cross over ship: no thank you (unless you count sg1 as a crossover, in which case, john/everyone over there too)

my kink: he just wants to be used a little bit.

a head cannon: he would've let jeannie die if wallace hadn't volunteered.

my gender bend: yes please.

004 | the mummy/sg1

hmm. so i hate to admit this on tumblr dot com, but i only saw the mummy once when it first came out and the bugs freaked me out and i never watched it again. i keep meaning to revisit, but i haven't gotten around to it 😂

i'm sure that any of the characters would make delightful matches with anyone from sg1. i can See The Potential.

[lesbiansanemi]

2023 was genuinely such a good year for me, I really thought my life was truly looking up, I felt so happy and content and hopeful. I just wanna know how that turned into 2024 being genuinely one of the worst years of my life, I think it actually beat out 2019 for that title which I never thought would happen

I guess on the bright side that means that 2025 literally could not possibly be any worse short of like.... literally dying ig. Idk. I just feel like I'm starting over. In some ways, it feels nice. But mostly it sucks. I miss all the people I was close with, both the ones who treated me poorly and I know I'm better off without them, and also the ones that it's my own fault we're not close. I feel restless and unsure. I don't know what to do with myself.

Right now, I'm just telling myself to get ready for and look forward to moving to my new apartment. The other things can get figured out after that. I want and need to figure out what I actually want to do with my life and pursue it, not just depend on some magical person to hinge all my happiness on because it's bitten me in the ass time and time again, and I know it's not good for me, or anyone to be that person, despite how much I really wish it would work that way

There are other good things. I'm staying close to two of my closest friends. Work has been better recently? Idk, maybe it's because everything else is such a disaster that work truly doesn't seem that bad rn when in the past the reverse was true, but I'll take it. Or maybe it's because I'm in a different department? Idk, point is, I don't absolutely fucking hate it anymore, it's okay. Still not what I wanna do forever, but I'm okay with it for now.

Things are maybe...? Getting better with my mom? It's unclear, up in the air. But we've talked some, about things I never thought we would talk about, and she apologized for some things. It doesn't erase things or make it automatically okay, but... It's a start, and more than I ever thought I would get

Idk, I'm trying to look at the positives, and tell myself it's okay, but it's still hard not to look back on the year as nothing but a year of broken relationships and wasted effort that wasn't good enough, making it seem like all my worst fears are true and I'll never be able to be genuinely close with people, and any friendships, relationships, or family relationships only work out when I keep people at arm's length. I'm trying to tell myself that's not true, and in the past, my emotional unavailability also costed me some relationships, but it never felt like it was to this scale.... Also being so closed off made it easier...? It was like I didn't care as much

I don't know. Yeah. It just feels like I've lost most of the people I loved, and like the last four years of recovery from the shit ass childhood meant nothing. I crashed so fucking hard, and it costed me a lot.

I'm trying not to feel sorry for myself. What does that fix? But maybe I just need that for a while. Maybe I need to just let myself feel hurt and like it's unfair for a bit, before I pick myself up and dust off and start getting things together.

I don't know. I'm feeling a lot of things right now, and trying really, really hard not to regress back into an emotionless husk. I'm thinking about that one post that's like the worst part about getting better mentally is how for a little bit you're going to get so much worse, like how a caterpillar has to become goop before being a butterfly. It hurts, and not feeling anything was a lot easier, I'm trying so hard not to fall back on that old defense mechanism. I need to get through this, not just fall backwards

It just.... feels really awful what this cost me, and yeah... it doesn't feel fair. It doesn't feel fair that other people could fuck me up so badly from the moment I was born but it's on me to have to do all the hard work to fix it, and if I don't, it hurts other people. Why does it have to be on me? I hate it

Ugh. I'm just rambling. None of this really has a point. It's just kind of a stream of conscious, and I don't want to physically write it in my journal because this is a lot and I can obviously type faster than I can write and my thoughts sometimes get too tangled if I don't get them out fast enough in the right order

But yeah.... I think this is the worst I've been in a really, really long time. Honestly, in some ways I think it's worse than when I was actively suicidal and attempting. That part is passive now, but the self destructive urges are much stronger than they've ever been before, and now I'm in a situation where I don't really have anyone to stop me from doing them. Like idk. I've never felt the urge to like, very actively self harm, or drink til the point of blacking out, or genuinely wanting to drain my bank account just cuz I can, or want to try and sleep around, but now those are thoughts I have which. Ugh. Yeah sucks. And isn't anything I actually want, and I'm not gonna actually do any of those things. But still

Maybe I should try and do something small but more controlled to get the restless energy out? Like a new piercing or tattoo? For most ppl that might be kinda major, but it's not really for me. Or maybe like, take out a smaller amount of money in cash and let myself go spend that instead of wanting to rack up my 20k credit card limit?

I'm trying to do things that aren't actually self destructive at all to curb it. I'm getting back into jigsaw puzzles. I've started trying yoga? Doodling. Idk, things that I don't normally do and are engaging enough to like. Make me stop thinking

Idk. I'm just. I'm tired. I feel like I'm losing against my stupid fucked up brain and all its issues anyways, it's exhausting trying to manage and fight it. Why not just give up and let myself just be fucking insane. Like I joke sometimes like ppl like "haha yeah I feel insane" but like. Idk how to say sometimes it isn't a joke and I really do feel that way and it really does get just so... so tiring trying to manage it. Especially when it feels like there's no point

Because even though I know I should, and it is the eventual goal to fix this, but I genuinely do not give a fuck about myself. It was easier to try and contain myself and work on untangling the knot of my issues one agonizing string at a time if it was for the people I cared about. I wanted to be easy for them, and care for and love them in a good way, but like, I couldn't even do that. And now I kinda don't really have anyone to like... "be normal" for.

Despite that, I'm still going to try. Because I know that's what I need to do. Like I said. There's good things. And even if there weren't. Ugh. I feel worthless and I hate myself and I feel like there's no point but like. The point IS to fix that. So even if I don't fucking want to, I need to figure out how to get this shit under control and fix it because nothing is ever gonna get better even if I did find some magical person who is gonna do everything "right" and "perfect" and "handle" me if I don't fix it at the core of things which is.... myself

Idk. And like! I'm working on it! I like my therapist, she's nice so far, and seems...? To have a good grasp on what problems I've detailed to her so far. I have my psych testing in January and hopefully those results let me try more meds than just like, standard anti-depressants cuz those aren't doing shit

Beyond that, I'm still trying to be social with people. NOT be self destructive and run my life into the ground. I WILL be excited about my new apartment. I'm going to keep engaging with physical hobbies that keep me grounded. I'm staying in a familiar city with people I know and have established myself in

So. Yeah. Idk. Feel like I'm hanging on by a fucking thread but I'm doing my best to manage it and despite everything I'm not gonna let it snap easily. The only way out is through and I.... want things to be better. I really, really do and I feel like that's the first step. I'm no longer resigning myself to misery, and that's the first thing you've gotta do, right?

[incorrectskyrimquotes]

Like I actively tried to kill myself at least once a year between 2013 and 2018. But I lived. Every single time.

And thank the powers that be that I did. Bc I've been able to do so SO much with my life. I mean, even before my brain really decided "hey fuck this" I was doing good.

But that's the thing. I dont NEED to good. Something I've learned (and still struggle with tbh) is that I don't have to justify my existence. At all. I could do absolutely nothing with my life and it's still valuable

At the end of the day, the week, the month, the year, the life, my HUSBAND(!) loves me. He moved away from everything he had ever known to be with me.

He'd never admit this, but I think he likes America better. If just for the food. (Sorry to my British friends but we got u beat there)

What I'm trying to say is

Actually. Idk what I'm trying to say. I'm sobering up and I'll deal w the brynjolf pegging nonsense tomorrow(/later (it's not tomorrow until I sleep goddamnit)).

Ig I'm just grateful. For this blog. For my life. There's a good metaphor out there somewhere. A dog wants a chocolate chip bagel, more than anything, and begs and whines and whimpers for it.

The dog, being a dog, doesn't understand that that bagel will KILL it. And not only hurt the poor dog, but everyone who loves the dog.

There was once a time I thought I wanted to die. More than ANYTHING I thought I wanted to die. I didn't quite understand how that would hurt the people in my life. How my (at the time) shit mental health and even shittier ways of dealing w it hurt those around me.

How if I, god forbid, really did kill myself, so many people would miss me. And I don't mean just my absence on social media. I mean people who love me. My friends. My family. My brothers and sister.

My husband. Who has known me since 2013. Can you believe that? We've known each other ten entire years. And I'm glad we were friends first. I'm glad we had figured out how to speak each other's language (something I truly struggled with until 2019) before we tried a relationship.

And even people I don't know. I have saved lives (no further detail; hipaa violation). There are people alive because I am also alive. Because for some reason the powers that be dictated that I woke up in a hospital instead of hell. Over and over and over.

Idk. Idk what I mean by all of this. I guess I'm just. Grateful. Grateful I'm alive. Grateful I have this blog. Grateful for the numerous and wonderful new friends I've mad lately. Grateful that in spite of everything, I'm still me.

Goodnight, I'll see everyone tomorrow and/or Monday (whenever I'm not busy).

I love you guys. I do. Securi dormi.

[oh-munda-kukkad-kamaal-da]

Hey*not here to hate you* .. okay, agreed its a joke and now calm down. Here, have a hug. I like Taylor's music and she is a good person I guess... And it made me so happy when i saw that you send in flowers/good morning messages/asks to your cute lil moots. It was your "funny" opinion and i guess you are one of those okay to being rude and veryy straight-forward.. and btw your music taste isn't even bad, i like a few of the songs you have under Spotify tag. You are cute. Stay hydrated, Vighnesh.*hugs you again AJSKAJAKAJAK*💙

Idc anon. I'll say again, bigger. I've done the best i can to make people happy for the past months. I've had sleepless nights coz someone wanted to rant. I've skipped studying for boards coz someone was anxious and talking about hurting themselves. I wake up every morning and the first thing i check is if it isnt 12 already, go to pinterest download a flower picture and send it to 20 people. For what? It doesn't even give me anything. I just wanted to make people happy with the little love i have coz i never feel loved. No one's there for me when i cry. No one's there for me when i stare at the knife thinking to cut my veins. I just wanted to be that person to others. Ik how it feels when you have no one. Ik how it feels to love an artist. I've spent 2 literal years locked in my home, with people who fed me hate all day, and i had no irl or offline friends. Do yk how that feels? Do yk how it feels to talk to someone after 2 years? Its so weird. I spent 2 years just listening to K391. And you think idk what it is to love an artist. I remember the day when i first listened to K391. It was something in August 2019, i had planned that day to die. I was waiting for my mom to sleep so that i can silently go in the next room and hang myself. That's when i listened to K391. He gave me a dream, he gave me a new life. I promised myself that i would never harm myself and be like him someday. Idk how much you love TS, but my love for K391 will always be more than that. He's the reason I'm breathing, he's the reason I'm alive. Everyday i want to die, and everyday he reminds me that i promised to be like him. But idc if someone talks shit about him. Why does it even matter? K391 for you isnt what he is for me. I dont hate TS, and i dont think she's ugly. I find her really cute tbh. But sorry I'm immature. I didn't know people can get so offended if i say something like that. Coz tbh, people expect others to react how they themselves would have reacted. And i never would have been offended over someone calling K391 ugly, or shit. I probably would have added a lol in that post and scrolled ahead. But I'm sorry, i expected too much of people. You literally judged my character, my personality. You judged everything I've ever done for my so-called friends. You judged me that i would hate my friends coz they're ugly. I mean ofc. For my entire fucking life I've tried to find people who care about me, but i would hate them only because they're ugly. I feel betrayed. Ik I'm wrong. But what's worse is, that everyone made me feel like a pariah, an outcast. This is the only place i called home, and it is a ruin for me now. Because I tried giving every amount of love for people, but they judge me coz i called their favourite artist ugly👍

[yichens]

8 Shows to Get to Know Me

thank you for tagging me josi @wanderlust-in-my-soul​​ ♥ am always happy to talk about shows that are important to me~

(tried to write these down in order from oldest to newest! meaning: when they came into my life and changed me)

I. Merlin (2008-2012)

one of the first shows i ever watched from a streaming site (aka illegally online haha), tho i did start watching it while it was airing on our tv. i adore the atmosphere, the world, the characters, and the whole journey throughout all five seasons. it feels whole. the fandom here is also amazing, even if i mostly watch it from afar ♥

II. Theory of Love (2019)

am not really sure when exactly i watched this for the first time, but i have vague memories of the last ep or the special ep only having just aired. it was one of my first introductions to bls - to good and more thoughtful bls - and i loved it with my whole chest. after rewatching it a year ago, i can still say it’s one of those shows that has rearranged something permanently in me. 

III. Sense8 (2015-2018)

the show that feels like it was made for me. it’s just so full of things i love: fantasy, mysteries, action, character bonds, found family, love, acceptance, understanding, and even psychological themes. i love each of the characters very dearly and enjoyed all of their relationships with each other. i also loved what this show did with intimacy, both the emotional and physical kind, by showing how it can be a source of great comfort. 

IV. The Untamed (2019)

my first ever cdrama that opened up a whole new world for me. it became one of my first ever big hyperfixations, one of my great loves. it let me dive into the world of other cdramas and so even more great shows. and it brought me to many new things and ppl here on tumblr after leading me into editing and so to the mdzs network ♥

V. The Lost Tomb 2 / Explore With The Note (2019)

i cannot really pack dmbj into only one show bc each of the adaptations has given me something to chew on, but tlt2 is always my baby. it is the show that made me love pingxie, the show that made me insane about their story, and the show i would die for. it gave me serious brainrot for such a long time, and even if it’s not the best one of the adaptations, it’s still very, very dear to me.

VI. You’re My Glory (2021) 

i never thought a romance show would get to me but this one did in so many ways. it taught me some precious lessons and i think it changed how i see accomplishments, dreams, and working hard to reach personal goals. it gave me hope and strength, and it just made me believe in love that is comfortable and adjusts to your needs. 

VII. Bad Buddy (2021)

the show that changed me about a year ago. the show that somehow opened up a lock inside of me, that allowed me to feel new things, that comforted me and understood me. idk if any bl can ever feel as much home as bb does. little did i know that when i started watching this silly bl during the christmas it was still airing, it would consume me, heart and soul, and then lead me here, wrapped up in this bl world. 

VIII. Vice Versa (2022)

if there’s one show to define me right now, to define me for the past year, it’s vice versa. it’s everything to me in every sense. it’s a show i go to when i want to cry, or smile, or feel warm, or happy, or sad, or delighted, or comforted, or loved. it’s a show that feels like a hug, a show that heals me in all the ways i need to be healed. it means so much to me. and it doesn’t hurt that it’s still one of the most beautiful bls i’ve ever seen ♥ (i could write essays of vv, tho at the same time it feels like the jane austen quote, “if i loved you less, i might be able to talk about it more”)

some honorary mentions: 

The Long Ballad (2021), Not Me (2021), My Country: The New Age (2019), The Blood of Youth (2022), and 3 Will Be Free (2019)

tagging: @leonpob​ @stormyoceans​ @dimpledpran​ @hils79​ @psychic-waffles​ @ardentlytess​ @oswlld​ @sanoreo​ ♥

[scatterpatter]

Mnnngh art vent under the cut

I really miss when art was easy for me. It used to come so, so easy, even though I'd say my art wasn't as good as it is now. Like I'd def say I've improved, but its so much harder to get art out now than it used to be

I look back at the art I used to make and I seriously lament how easy it was. Even if it was just doodles, I could get so many out, I remember back in like 2019 i could often get at least one doodle out a day and it felt great. It was my outlet, my way I connected with others, the way I shared ideas and made stories, and now I feel that outlet has been practically severed and it really, really hurts

Artfight def hurts the worst. I was so excited for this year, so ready to reconnect with a lot of my friends and bond over silly AF attacks, and it was genuine! I didnt have any big plans this month other than just doing my job so I was so happy to do this. July last year was awful, I was in a horrifically abusive situation and that abuse reached its peak last July, I was in a bad bad place. But I've completely cut that abuser from my life and I'm in a much better space, so I really thought this July would be me turning things around

But as soon as I got a lot of attacks, I just- fucking shut down. I kept thinking on how much "make up revenges" I'd have to do and it got to the point where I'd get overwhelmed every time I picked up my tablet. What became "Hehe can't wait to make art for my friends!" Quickly spiralled into "Oh god I need to do so many revenges I cant keep up", and it just made me catatonic and I hate that. And the worst is that I know no one's exepcting me of anything, I dont have to revenge everyone, its all for fun- I know its just this expectation im putting on myself and im the only one disappointed in myself but I just cant stop how catatonic its left me and its really tough to deal with because ive only done 1 attack so far. Ive spent the entirety of July going "shit i need to work on attacks. Its ok ill do it later." And now its July 31 and ive only done one. I set a goal of doing at least ten. I thought ten wouldve been manageable, but I just cant do what I used to do and it really really hurts

And I keep being told that Im having a hard month. That works been stressful and working 40hr a week leaves me with significantly less free time than I had back in college, so of course i have less time/energy for art, but it still hurts because I dont. Feel like work has been that bad. Yeah its been bad but ive dealt with horrific stress before and ive handled it fine. I feel like if I go "its been a rough month" ill be saying that every month. And i dont want that. Im really healing and im getting in better places, I feel like still struggling this much doesnt feel "right". Hell my therapist just told me that i might be in remission or partial remission for my major depressive disorder. Like I have a professional telling me im getting better but I still struggle to do something that came so easily and it hurts really really badly.

Im gonna see what i can do for last minute attacks. Might not be great attacks, but i want to see if i can get something, anything out. It just hurts because i had so many ideas for my friends and I dont know what Ill be able to do for them and I feel horrible. I feel severed from them and from my main outlet of connecting with others.

And i know its just a sign of burnout or art block or mental illness or what the fuck ever. But I feel like ive been making too much progress in myental health to be struggling this hard. I love making art and i love artfight and sharing art with my friends but as soon as I try, I go completely catatonic and its really really hard because i used to be able to do this so easily and i want it to be easy again but I dont know what im doing wrong to still be struggling this hard

Idk bottom text

[reisdump]

Yk the trope i hate the most... "FRIENDS TO LOVERS"

I wasn't always like this..FTL trope used to be my fav, like its literally my biggest dream, like to have my male best friend as my lover..but that went straight downhill when I date my best friend back in 2019...I was so happy at first, like even the little things would make me giggle, act all girly and all (which wasn't really so me). But after a month, everything ended..I've dreamed of everything..graduating our grade 12 tgt, dating in college, cafe dates, getting married EVERYTHING to the point that ppl will think im insane bc I LOVE HIM SM. I was so hurt, like my heart literally broke into pieces..I hurts, so fucking much to the point that I got sick. Ever since then, I have never thought of dating again..like ever.

It's been 5 years already since then, I've moved on and completely healed... but the fear of getting heartbroken and all those things again traumatized me so bad that I still haven't dated anyone again.. I have this fear, of being in pain again..or maybe the fear of being abandoned by someone again, as if im some object that they can just throw away when they got tired of it.

I'm in my 2nd year of college now, studying for my bachelors..I have this friend, a MALE best friend from our senior, we clique off really well since the day we met..we literally hang out everywhere despite the age gap..ppl would suspect us, but we both knew that it was purely platonic(or maybe only for me?) and feel as if we don't need to explain or deny to anyone. We've been friends for almost a year now, I treat him just like my older brother since I don't have one and always envied to have one. I used to have thoughts like "Oh, he must be the one God gave me as my older brother, someone who will stick by my side and defend for me"..I was so grateful to have him, and really admire him as my best friend and as an older brother. I really thought it was all like that way, even for him but NO, it wasn't. It was that I was just too oblivious.

We were talking abt random stuff last night, and idk how we got into that topic but he somehow just started confessing his feelings for me, saying something like "I used to wonder, how do you want me to confess/propose? I've been thinking hard and know its gonna be hard bc you have high expectations, but i want to...", "Whenever I try to get away from you, you somehow always get sick and I can't help but come closer to you yet again". He totally makes me flabbergasted..like I was out of words for a minute, but I still try to act all cool..saying something like "Maybe God wants u to keep staying by my side as a good friend you are" but he keep confessing anyway😭

His words have been on my mind since then. I'm still surprised, like ever.. and i'm furious.. like im literally burning inside. But somehow, my heart broke..having this thought like I lost another best friend again. Oh, another side story- There's this boy from my batch, my old lab partner..he was really kind and sweet, he was a great friend too..he somehow have a crush on me and confess too😭

Maybe its bc of this, i'm afraid and mad at myself..like it makes me think, "What have I done? I thought I've always just look at them just as a friend but maybe i did something wrong?" ... I really don't want to lose another friend and get my heart broken just bc of these stupid feelings..idk what i'm gonna do with him..He is a great man, he's smart, ambitious, caring for ppl around him, like he literally cares for me a lot but yk, maybe bc of my past experience, I just can't do this anymore..especially with my best friend. Either he'll break my heart or I'll break his heart bc of my past experiences

I just hope that he finds someone who loves him truly and that we'll always be best friends regardless🫠

[lanomin]

Extremely long vent about skill drain in my field and also just gushing about small parrots, because that really is my whole life these days

idk man the skill drain at work is so real and it really sucks ass that I'm going to be a part of that and leave (probably) before the other keepers have worked here more than a year, other than my supervisor. I've been here for 4 years and haven't had a consistent team for more than 1 year. Like it kills me to be a part of that now, and I know it's not my fault that we're skeleton crewed to hell and underpaid and tired af and my boyfriend has gone through hell out here for pretty much 4 years and we need to leave for his physical/mental health...but I'm trying as hard as I can to show my coworkers every little bit of information before I go, but I know it won't be enough. I've seen it enough times and I remember what it was like being new, there's things I just wouldn't have known/had the confidence to do if I hadn't just physically been here for 4 years, and that's not something I can really teach. Like just being able to keep an eye on birds being off/knowing random specific repairs and cleaning techniques/keeping an eye out for blood in random spots/hearing stories from other keepers to be applied later. Like if I hadn't heard a random story from my old coworker 3 years ago about birds losing their voice being a sign of aspergillosis I wouldn't have known to even look out for that! And now it's happened I'm like fuck there's so many random small things that just don't come up, until they do. It's one thing to you know tell new employees all these things, but they just don't fully click until you've been around and seen it happen. And it's the worst on the animal care side of things because things are going to get missed, things are going to drop in quality and probably not pick back up for a while. I hate that the zoo field does this to people, because even though I also despise Nashville/Tennessee in general the zoo is a really lovely haven in the middle of this gray concrete nightmare, and the people here are really cool and unique and so passionate about biology. And the birds, oh my birds. Fuck man these birds really have me considering staying in goddamn tennessee bc I love them so much. I've 100% literally put my blood sweat and tears into taking care of them. I've seen them hatch I've seen them die in my hands I've seen them grow from the size of a quarter looking like a piece of chewed up gum into a real bird that's so beautiful with so much personality. Being able to hold a bird in your hand is like one of my favorite feelings ever, the lorikeets are so soft and funny and they love to wrestle so much. And having that trust, seeing that these smart small parrots will let you play with them (and even want you to play with them!) and trust you won't hurt them is unbeatable. But to get here I've really been through hell. At this point I've worked more 12-14 hour no break days than I can count, I've worked through -14° nights and 114°+ days. My hands are scarred and cracked year round, my legs are covered in bug bites and heat rash and bruises. I've truly grown numb to being shit on by birds. But I love how much I've grown here. I love feeling confident in my skills, remembering how nervous I was in 2019 and wondering if the birds would ever warm up to me like with my older coworkers. Now having handraised the last 2 gens of babies it feels so good to have these birds that know me, and I know them, and they come to greet me in the morning and wrestle in my hair and on my shirt. Leaving them is going to be gut wrenching for so many reasons, but I can't live out here seeing my bf so miserable. He's sacrificed so much coming out here, and we have to start our lives together but it's hard seeing your favorite place fuck you and your coworkers over so hard in the name of profit for admin paychecks and endless expansion.

Also being what feels like the last person in TN taking covid seriously is not fun, and does help lessen the pain of leaving.

Idk the summer is flying by and the plan is to potentially at least leave the job in December/January, and the clock is ticking faster than I want it too. But I also want it to get here soon so my bf can finally start his career path too, and start to be happy. And I'll have to cope with leaving with just trying to share as much info as I can, pass along every scrap of knowledge/skill I've picked up in the last 4 years as the best thing I can do for the birds now

[bestsincedayone]

💕//Cedes and Iyo!

send "💕" + a ship for me to fill out this. . .

combining this ship meme [ x ] with this ship meme [ x ]

FIRST DETAILS.

How did they meet? i believe it would've been royal rumble 2019. they obviously knew about each other beforehand but that'd be the first show they worked together since cedes challenged ronda and masami was in the rumble itself.

Who flirted with who first? masami probably.

Was it love at first sight or a slowburn romance? slowburn.

Did they start dating right away or were they friends before things became romantic? i can't say they were ever friends. co-workers, yeah. but i don't think there was a time when they would've called each other friends.

What was their first date? cedes took her out for sushi.

Who kissed who first? cedes kissed masami first.

Who started the relationship? cedes started it.

NEXT STEPS & HARDSHIPS.

Monogamy or Polyamory? monogamy. but i also wouldn't put it past them to try out something polyamorous. idk i just got those vibes.

Are they/do they plan on getting married? maybe?

Who proposed? Was it a yes or no? no proposal yet.

Do they want kids? Who brought it up first? no idea if either want kids. both are too obsessed with wrestling to think about having a child right now.

Do they already have kids, together or from previous relationships? no.

How often do they fight? What about? they fight pretty often. it's typically about masami and her struggles with love. but mercedes isn't fighting her about that. she's fighting for them to work through them.

Have they ever broken up? they've gone on a break for like a night or so but they've never broken up. mercedes refuses to let that happen.

Messy breakup, amicable split, remain friends, ride or die or til death do us part? it'd be this weird mix of being messy but both understanding, not being friends but always agreeing to be supportive of one another.

SEX.

In the bedroom - Vanilla, a little spice, or kinky af? a little spice.

For applicable ships - who is more dominant/submissive? they both lean more towards switch but i often feel like masami is more dominant than cedes.

What is their favorite sex position? sixty-nine.

Do either of them enjoy bringing sex toys into the bedroom? yep.

Favorite place to have sex? probably on the beach. idk. i can just see it.

Most adventurous place they’ve had sex? ... on a beach in puerto rico. i mean, cedes was there the same time wwe was there for backlash. sooooo.

Do they do anything else in the bath/shower other than wash? How often? they'll lie to you and say it doesn't happen but every time they share a shower or bath, even if they claim they won't start anything... they start something.

What are some of their favorite things about their partner sexually? probably when mercedes goes out of her way to learn dirty talk in japanese. even if it sometimes isn't said perfectly, it turns her on.

TOGETHER.

Do they have any routines/rituals in their relationship? sushi dates. it started with that and both of them love them. masami is typically good at finding the more genuine japanese places and they always make sure to go there.

How do they take care of each other when they are sick/hurt? typical stuff really. they make soup, massage tense areas, let the other vent, etc.

Who is the better dancer? mercedes.

How do they like to spend time together? traveling is their number one thing but it doesn't always get to happen, of course. second place might be nature walks.

What are their favorite non-sexual forms of intimacy? masami loves helping mercedes with her japanese.

What are some of their favorite things about their partner? cedes' stubbornness. sometimes it's annoying but it goes to show that when she wants something, that woman isn't giving up no matter what anyone says.

How do they comfort the other when they are upset? masami will just hug mercedes and let her let it all out.

Who buys the other spontaneous gifts? lately it's been mercedes. she loves buying masami stuff from japan when she goes to visit since she knows how homesick she gets when she doesn't get to go home.

What position do they sleep in? cuddling against one another.

Do they bathe/shower together? yep.

What are their favorite things to do on date nights? just spend time with one another. what they're doing really doesn't matter. just being able to spend the night with the other is their favorite part.

Do they still go on dates after being together for a while? yep

What is their love language? words of affirmation (mercedes speaking japanese to iyo) and quality time (when iyo gets home from being on the road)

Who’s a cat person and who’s a dog person? ... don't ask masami about getting a cat. let them just stick to having ryu.

Who likes the outdoors more and who likes the indoors more? both like outdoors but i feel like mercedes likes indoors more.

Who’s more social? both in a way. mercedes more on average though.

Who makes the bed every morning? masami.

Who likes to keep the house cold and who likes to keep the house warm? both like the house to be a little more on the cool side. not cold but cool.

Who takes longer getting ready? mercedes.

Who likes scary movies and who likes funny ones? both prefer funny.

Who screams when they see a bug and who ends up killing it? both.

Who is more technology challenged? masami. but she's not really that bad. she's just not on it as much as mercedes is.

Who would be more likely to burn something in the oven? mercedes.

Who talks in their sleep? mercedes.

Who leaves the cap off the toothpaste? mercedes.

Who likes getting dressed up more? mercedes -- going back to the sushi dates, i think she's probably bought some traditional japanese robes for the occasion.

Who’s better at tying ties? neither?

Who recorded the answering machine message on the house phone? ... lmao do you expect them to have a house phone?

Who’s better at planning romantic things? it's a team effort since they have to figure out when they're home at the same time.

Who takes up more space in the closet? mercedes

Who has more of a sweet tooth? masami

Who drinks more often? mercedes lmfao

Who is most likely to laugh during a serious situation? mercedes

[lovecoma]

delete later <3

[unfoundhoney]

being tommyinnit’s younger sister ↠

↠ tommyinnit x younger sister!reader ; fluff

↠ masterlist

↠ older sister ver.

↠ @ochabby @kiritokunuwu @pyrotechnics84

if you think for one second this child would not take every chance imaginable to remind every person in existence that he is the eldest child of his family you're dead wrong

not even like he’s constantly bringing you up more just like "well A C T U A L L Y"

“you call me a child but there is, in fact, people younger than me” that kind of thing

tbh he's not that much of a very stereotypical big brother

shocking i know but he’s actually really caring

he’s just always been very careful around you

like there’s this clip from a home video he posted on twitter ages ago of little 2 y/o tommy very carefully helping little infant you learn to walk

wholesome siblings moments

we love to see it

but like also we know tommy is a lot more emotionally aware/in tune than he lets on

you get to see that side a lot more than the internet

ik we all want the hotheaded tommy who would fight someone for hurting you

but i think if you ever got your heart broken, tommy would be right there to tell you you’re worth so much more than anything they could have given you

...

that’s enough of that

tommy’s a loser okay??

doesn’t matter how many subscribers he has or how much money he makes

he’s a loser

you will take every chance to remind him of this

(tommy) *says anything remotely cringey*

(you) god, you’re so lame

(tommy) HEY

it’s so great

anytime you’re on a stream w/ him you two play up the sibling bickering

you really don’t argue all that much in real life but it’s for the content

for the sake of comedy

one time wilbur jumped in a call bc he wanted to meet you

he adores you immediately

what are the simons children doing to him???? send help

(wilbur) i’m not saying you’re wrong- you’re completely right actually- but why are you so intent on reminding tommy he’s a loser?

(you) someone has to keep him humble, otherwise his head will get bigger than it already is

(tommy) I INVITE YOU ONTO MY STREAM AND THIS IS HOW YOU REPAY ME

speaking of being on streams

tommy was really hesitant to stream with you the first time

you’d been in the background of some of his earlier streams from like 2018/early 2019 or smth

but after he’d blown up he wasn’t sure if he wanted the internet to see you

there are some fucked up people on the internet & in a typical tommy fashion, he wanted to protect you from them

you (& his fans) eventually wore him down

for the sake of fiction, let’s say you start streaming on your own

you get a lot of support from tommy’s fans & tommy is your tech support anytime something goes wrong

there are a lot of compilations

once you get into the groove of things, you start averaging a couple thousand viewers per stream

bc the fans were threatening to riot, you did a stream with lani

lo and behold you two became really good friends

you two start streaming on an smp together, just basic survival

you call it smth like “little smp” bc you guys are tommy & tubbo’s little sisters idk it’s kind of endearing & cute tho

your guys’ house is the cutest thing ever

you even get tommy to convince dream to give you drista’s ign so you can add her to the server you had created (read: tommy created for you)

you three together is so chaotic it’s great

phil would adore you

it’s inevitable

kristin too

you unashamedly refer to them as your “internet parents” & the fans love it

if she wanted, you’d let kristin on the smp

(kristin) *laughs* you want me on little smp?

(you) yes!

(lani) of course!

(you) it’s a very exclusive invitation, kristin

(lani) very exclusive, once in a lifetime even

(kristin) i feel like the entire internet would hate me if i said no

(lani) they would.

(you) yeah, they would. so either you accept now or we guilt trip you into accepting later

(kristin) you two are definitely your brothers’ sisters. alright, send me the ip

you really thriving off that mumza content

with tommy & his analytical nerd side, you could probably become pretty popular

but you don’t accept all of his help bc you want to be your own creator, ya feel?

people respect that about you

there are of course the people who accuse you of only being somewhat popular bc of tommy

but you would have haters regardless or if you were related to one of the biggest minecraft streamers/mcyts right now

if it ever got really bad, tommy would talk about it

no matter how much he tries to stay away from serious talks/issues on his streams, he would tell people to back off w/o a second thought

especially if it was really affecting you

tommy would be ready to fight the world if any kind of hate online ever made you cry

other content creators always speak highly of you

you don’t have a massive following but you are very well known throughout the minecraft/streaming community

older cc’s have this instinct to defend you from hate & whatnot

there are plenty of compilations & they are all v cute

(minx) tommy’s baby sister is doing great recently. i don’t even know her but i’m seriously proud of her. she’s kind of popping off, one could say

or

(ranboo) “thoughts on s/n?” she’s doing really well. she’s doing really well… i’ve talked to her briefly & she’s great. she’s really great

honorable mention from the chuckle sandwich podcast w/ tommy (where they talked about you briefly):

(charlie) anytime i see someone hating on your sister i want to retweet their tweet & just let hellfire rain down upon them

when tommy would finally address it, he would be very clear how he does not tolerate any hate towards you

soon after, neither do his fans

people who hate on you are mass reported & just drowned out by people making edits & other fan content for you

tbh tho most people who are fans of tommy like your content

even if they don’t follow you regularly, they can enjoy the stuff you put out when it comes across their page

it’s cute & wholesome

not nearly as in-your-face comedic as tommy’s content but still funny

you really are doing well for yourself

if you pursue it later into your life, you could become big no doubt

but for now you’re just chilling having fun w/ streaming

[katierosefun]

71, 81, and 98 for the late night train asks :)

thank you for the asks!! // from these asks

71. Tell me something you don't like telling others.

oh. something i don't like telling others . . . hm.

maybe that i think of all the men (like, actual men, not just celebrities or fictional men) that i've had genuine crushes on (like, lasting crushes and crushes that make my heart flutter and not just in a brief "oh, he's cute" kind of way) were all def . . . older than me, and not just by a year. like, i think the youngest crush crush on a guy that i ever had on someone was 3 years older than me, and that was considered an outlier, and the guy who i liked and dated the most was a good 5 years older than me. i wasn't a minor at the time, but i look back on that time and still wonder, why did i do that? and also, why did he think it was a good idea to date me anyways? don't you think 19 was too young and etc.

but anyways! we're older and wiser now, and even though legally, there's nothing wrong with me dating a guy who's 5 or 10 years older than me, i think i'll still veer away from it for now, just because i know that personally, i can't deal with that kind of stuff, so i'll keep my crushes locked up in a box and etc.

81. What's the worst crime you think you're capable of committing?

oh boy (okay, for legal purposes: i have not committed any of the crimes that i am about to talk about): but probably murder? like, idk, i feel like that's the "end all be all" sort of crime that people would commit if they're just badly pushed enough. i would hope that if i ever committed murder, that it'd at least be somewhat justified.

98. What genre of film or literature do you think your life is? Comedy, romance, action, horror, etc.? Alternatively, if you were written into a fictional universe, what genre would you be best suited for?

oh . . . if my life were film, i feel like it would be a kind of coming-of-age melodrama? sort of like those films that loads of critics whine about how "nothing happens", kind of like movies like columbus (2017) or i am easy to find (2019).

or maybe a psychological thriller? i've been contemplating certain moments in my life a lot lately, and i feel like my life could sometimes easily dig into the same vibes of the anchor (2022), what with themes that are about family + love + how it can be a horrific thing sometimes.

but if i were written into a fictional universe . . . idk, i'd really want it to be a sort of ghost story. i veer away from the genre horror, because i'm not sure if it qualifies as horror--when i talk about ghost stories, i'm talking about ghost stories like the haunting of hill house or the haunting of bly manor (really, anything directed by mike flanagan) or hotel del luna or, arguably, doctor who. i would love to just be. like. a ghost or something that's not-really-a-ghost-but-is-still-very-old-and-might-not-move-on-for-a-while. how do you love something that's already dead and how do you love after feeling like you haven't moved in years kind of stories, stories about choosing kindness after years of hurt or the sadder, uglier kind of story, the one where the characters choose to cave in and turn hollow because enough is enough and etc etc etc.