reisdump

[reisdump]

Yk the trope i hate the most... "FRIENDS TO LOVERS"

I wasn't always like this..FTL trope used to be my fav, like its literally my biggest dream, like to have my male best friend as my lover..but that went straight downhill when I date my best friend back in 2019...I was so happy at first, like even the little things would make me giggle, act all girly and all (which wasn't really so me). But after a month, everything ended..I've dreamed of everything..graduating our grade 12 tgt, dating in college, cafe dates, getting married EVERYTHING to the point that ppl will think im insane bc I LOVE HIM SM. I was so hurt, like my heart literally broke into pieces..I hurts, so fucking much to the point that I got sick. Ever since then, I have never thought of dating again..like ever.

It's been 5 years already since then, I've moved on and completely healed... but the fear of getting heartbroken and all those things again traumatized me so bad that I still haven't dated anyone again.. I have this fear, of being in pain again..or maybe the fear of being abandoned by someone again, as if im some object that they can just throw away when they got tired of it.

I'm in my 2nd year of college now, studying for my bachelors..I have this friend, a MALE best friend from our senior, we clique off really well since the day we met..we literally hang out everywhere despite the age gap..ppl would suspect us, but we both knew that it was purely platonic(or maybe only for me?) and feel as if we don't need to explain or deny to anyone. We've been friends for almost a year now, I treat him just like my older brother since I don't have one and always envied to have one. I used to have thoughts like "Oh, he must be the one God gave me as my older brother, someone who will stick by my side and defend for me"..I was so grateful to have him, and really admire him as my best friend and as an older brother. I really thought it was all like that way, even for him but NO, it wasn't. It was that I was just too oblivious.

We were talking abt random stuff last night, and idk how we got into that topic but he somehow just started confessing his feelings for me, saying something like "I used to wonder, how do you want me to confess/propose? I've been thinking hard and know its gonna be hard bc you have high expectations, but i want to...", "Whenever I try to get away from you, you somehow always get sick and I can't help but come closer to you yet again". He totally makes me flabbergasted..like I was out of words for a minute, but I still try to act all cool..saying something like "Maybe God wants u to keep staying by my side as a good friend you are" but he keep confessing anyway😭

His words have been on my mind since then. I'm still surprised, like ever.. and i'm furious.. like im literally burning inside. But somehow, my heart broke..having this thought like I lost another best friend again. Oh, another side story- There's this boy from my batch, my old lab partner..he was really kind and sweet, he was a great friend too..he somehow have a crush on me and confess too😭

Maybe its bc of this, i'm afraid and mad at myself..like it makes me think, "What have I done? I thought I've always just look at them just as a friend but maybe i did something wrong?" ... I really don't want to lose another friend and get my heart broken just bc of these stupid feelings..idk what i'm gonna do with him..He is a great man, he's smart, ambitious, caring for ppl around him, like he literally cares for me a lot but yk, maybe bc of my past experience, I just can't do this anymore..especially with my best friend. Either he'll break my heart or I'll break his heart bc of my past experiences

I just hope that he finds someone who loves him truly and that we'll always be best friends regardless🫠

[reisdump]

have you ever like loose feelings in the middle of your "talking phase"??

I was in my talking phase with my crush and honestly he turns out to be falling harder than I actually was..which was a really good thing for me and I was really happy with our "little thing" going..

But idk since when but one day, I just started to get detached from literally everything..not only him, but from my friends and my loved ones. I was feeling so drained out, and my pathophysiology exam wasn't helping either😭I slept a lot, and I started to spend more time by myself on the comfort of my room. I kind of ghosted him for like a week, and after that, I told him everything, like how I am feeling and all..I felt so so bad, I know that I hurt him a lot too.

It's been almost a month since this happened, but I still can't stop thinking about him and how bad I felt. But I just can't talk with him anymore. Before, I would be shamelessly responding to his messages immediately, but now just opening up his chat or seeing his whatsapp status makes me drained out.

I felt so horrible (which I truly am😭). I just hope that he'll be moving on from me as quickly as possible and that he met someone who'll love him with their whole heart :(

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It's funny how in asain family that just bc they're our parents or are older, they're always right and we'll always be in the wrong no matter what. For instance, if you try to fight back for your dignity, they'll be saying that you're disrespecting your parents/elders or maybe scold you for talking back to them.

There's literally no room for us to win in this situation, no matter how innocent you are.

[reisdump]

I wanna go somewhere..by myself.. far far away, where no humans are there and shout out all of my frustrations and anger that I've been bottling up.

[reisdump]

i hate this feeling, where I immediately get scared and cautious whenever my parents are mad at my siblings even though I did nothing or get involved. Like the fear of "what if he/she gets angry if I do this/don't do this?"

Like they'll always search for literally anything to scold you. Even just a tiny mistake would piss them off, and that would be already enough to get me grounded.

Why can't they just talk through to my sibling they're mad to? Why always drag the other innocent ones into it? We've got a lot too, dealing with our own life and stuff. Why make it harder for us and make us feel guilty when we've done nothing wrong?