#it has certainly helped me feel better to write and create on a regular basis... thank goodness for anime smut!

[miguel-manbemel]

Aspects & Fanfics Ep. 51: I Just Want a Normal Date Without Sides

Well, it’s been a month of rest and it’s time to resume the main storyline of the blog. In the last episode, we had just left Thomas and Nico meeting and starting a relationship and now we start seeing him involved in Thomas’ daily life. I hope you enjoy this new episode and I leave you with the story. Until next time.

SYNOPSIS: Thomas is about to have his first date with Nico, both of them alone, but he doesn’t feel truly alone if his Sides are around him all the time, so he asks them to enter autopilot and not disturbing him until the date is over. But something’s gonna go wrong in the Mind Palace and Patton is going to put himself in danger...

WARNINGS: Some moments of implied innuendo, romantic dukeceit and logicality. A scene of intense danger where some Sides’ lives are in mortal danger.

EPISODE INDEX

[Thomas is in the living room in his classic spot]

THOMAS: What is up, everybody!? Jeez, it’s been a while since the last time I said this… but if I’m saying it right now it’s because this is the moment when I’m gonna need to gather my Sides for one important petition. So… guys, all of you, could you please come here now!?

[All the Sides rise up around Thomas]

LOGAN: How may we serve you, Thomas?

THOMAS: I’m glad that you ask me that question, Logan, because there is one thing I want to ask you, all of you. As some of you may know, Nico and I are having our first date together tonight, and…

ROMAN: Yes, I’m so excited to see it!

REMUS: [suggestive voice, wiggling his eyebrows] I’m so excited in so many ways too!

VIRGIL: Please, Remus, don’t mention that. You’re rising up my expectations and I think I’m going over the roof!

REMUS: That’s not the only thing I’m rising up, I think…

VIRGIL: Remus!

REMUS: What? It’s not like any of us is naive enough to know that is one of our goals with him, is it?

LOGAN: You’re technically correct, Remus, but don’t forget that these things take time and if you go too fast you could be ruining any chances for Thomas to get into amatory physical intercourse with Nico.

REMUS: Ugh, Teach, only you could make it sound boring with that technical babbling of yours. The word everybody uses has three letters, you know, so it’s not so complicated for you to use it too. It starts with an S, ends with an X and has an E in the middle. Others use a word with four letters starting with F, but if I use it, the series director is gonna bleep me, so f… [bleep] him, I won’t use it.

LOGAN: You just did…

REMUS: I know, I wanted to catch him off guard. Didn’t work, sadly. [looking at the camera with a threatening glance and a low pitch voice] But I’ll keep trying…

VIRGIL: Please, if you don’t stop being so meta, I’m gonna get a headache…

THOMAS: [yelling] Enough! I know it’s me who’s thinking all these thoughts but will you stop verbalizing them and start listening to me for once!? Gosh…

[intro sequence]

LOGAN: Okay, Thomas, calm down. I know these can get on your nerves, but that’s no reason to…

THOMAS: [frowning] When I said “you” I meant all of you, Logan.

LOGAN: Oh… okay, I apologize, Thomas. Please, continue.

THOMAS: [sighs] As I was saying, tonight it’s my first date with Nico, our first date for us both all alone, and I want it to be perfect, without any trouble arising, and… most importantly, without distractions of any kind. I want us both to be alone for real. Do you understand me?

ROMAN: [beat] You lost me…

THOMAS: Well, all of you guys are married, right?

IAN: [dejected voice] Thanks for noticing me…

CHRIS: [same voice] Indeed. We should found a club for singles, right uncle?

IAN: Not a bad idea…

THOMAS: Sorry. Almost all of you. When you guys want to have some alone time with your husband, what do you do?

REMUS: Well, I…

THOMAS: I mean when you’re getting ready before starting the date, Remus, not when you’re on the last act.

REMUS: Oh…

ROMAN: Well, I prepare my room with warm lights, scent of roses, home made cuisine…

THOMAS: But even before that. What’s the first thing you do, so that you make sure nobody disturbs you?

ROMAN: Well, we usually enter autopilot, of course.

THOMAS: Bingo. You guys enter autopilot and in that state I’m completely unable to bother you because you can’t hear me, even if I call you. Unfortunately I can’t do the same, but I can ask you for a favor to achieve the same result. Guys, when my date starts, I want you all to enter autopilot, all of you without exceptions. I don’t want any of you guys to hear or see whatever Nico and I are doing.

REMUS: [mischievous smile] Why? Are you planning on… getting “super romantic”? [wiggles his eyebrows]

THOMAS: [blushing] No! [to himself with a silly smile] Well… not on our first date at least, although I wouldn’t mind if… [clears his throat, then with a serious voice] Anyway, whatever we end up doing is our own business, Remus. Guys, I never ever made a complaint about you entering my life whenever you wanted… [the Sides frown at Thomas] Okay, there was that one time, but you know I was under Ira’s influence when he was still Wrath. When I’m fully myself, I enjoy your company and you know I couldn’t live without you. But some things… require privacy, you know? I want to feel like a normal person having a normal date with a normal but wonderful guy, and I don’t want the sensation of feeling observed to ruin my date. It would be like having eight chaperons and the thought alone drives me hysterical. So, please, guys. I ask you as a friend. Do me that favor. Enter autopilot while I am on my date and do not disturb me under any circumstances until it’s over. Will you do this for me, guys? Please?

ROMAN: [groans, disappointed] I wanted to assist you in your date, but if you don’t want my advice, fine, do as you want.

THOMAS: Even if you don’t know what you’re doing, you’ll still be offering your help unconsciously, Roman, and I thank you for that, and for respecting my wish. Please, don’t be mad at me, Princey.

ROMAN: I’m not mad, I’m just… disappointed that I can’t see you triumphing in your romantic life after wishing it and pushing you into it for so long. But if you think I could be a hindrance for that, I’ll step back. Anything for your happiness, Thomas.

THOMAS: Thank you so much, dear friend.

VIRGIL: You know I hate to enter autopilot. I prefer staying alert or ducking out completely. Knowing I may be doing something to you but not actually knowing what I’m doing causes me a lot of anxiety, Thomas.

THOMAS: No, Virge, I don’t want you to duck out completely, I still want my sense of alertness ready to kick in should anything go wrong.

VIRGIL: Okay, Thomas. I hate to do this, but I’ll do it for you. You owe me one, Sanders.

THOMAS: Thank you so much, Virgil. I really appreciate your effort and I’ll make it up to you, somehow, I promise.

LOGAN: No problem on my part, Thomas. The only feelings I’m interested in studying with interest are Patton’s and mine. You can have your feelings all for yourselves if you like.

THOMAS: Thank you so much, Logan.

PATTON: It’s not gonna be that simple for me, kiddo. I’m literally your feelings. No matter how much in autopilot I am, I’m gonna experience your feelings, even if I don’t know the cause of your feelings. Is that okay with you? Cause to go any further, I’d have to inhibit myself, and then it would be you who wouldn’t experience feelings at all, not to mention I’d be putting my life at risk.

THOMAS: No, Patton, don’t you dare inhibiting yourself! I was expecting something like that. It’s okay if you blind yourself to whatever is happening as much as you can. That’s everything I ask, I would never ask you to put yourself into danger, and I certainly don’t want to put your life at risk just to please me.

PATTON: Okay, kiddo, I’ll do as much as I can, then.

THOMAS: Thank you, Patton.

REMUS: Well, you’re not my boss, Thomas, and I have no intention to…

JANUS: Don’t worry, Thomas, I got this. [seductive voice] Remus, honey, have you forgotten you had promised to dedicate a day to me and only to me, my love? I’m starting to believe you don’t care about me anymore, and I wanted to spend the day… and night… with you… so… badly…

REMUS: [to Thomas] You know what? Keep your silly date for yourself, I’ve got better things to do. Come with me, my love…

[Remus sinks down. Janus does too, not before smirking at Thomas, who smirks back and rises his thumb, mouthing the word “thank you” in silence]

IAN: I guess I’ll have to autopilot myself from Janus too to give him some privacy… Of course you can count on me in giving you some space, Thomas.

THOMAS: Thank you, Ian.

CHRIS: Same for me. Uncle Ian, why don’t we go to Sandersia to visit Ira? It’s been a long time since the last time we did.

IAN: Sounds like a plan. [to the others] Would you like to come with us, guys?

ROMAN: Nah, I have work to do, things to write, and stuff. Thomas may be on a date, but his mind never stops creating in the background, you know? Send my best regards to my brother Roland, guys.

VIRGIL: I’m going with you, guys. I really need something to distract myself from the huge stress I’ll be having today.

THOMAS: If you think it’s going to be too much distress for you, Virgil, I…

VIRGIL: No, it’s okay, I can take it, otherwise the one feeling uncomfortable would be you, and I already give you too much of that on a regular basis, so don’t worry. I’m sure I’ll find something to do with my friends to lift my spirits up.

THOMAS: I really appreciate what you’re doing for me, Virge. I promise I’ll make it up to you.

VIRGIL: You don’t have to, Thomas, but thank you.

CHRIS: [to Logan and Patton] What about you, guys?

PATTON: Well, as a matter of fact, we already had a busy day. Logan asked me to help him write some vocab cards so that he can understand better the subtle emotional charges of certain words and expressions, so that he doesn’t come out as rude or offensive by accident.

THOMAS: Oh, that’s very kind of you, guys.

LOGAN: Yes, I have set myself the goal of understanding feelings better so that I don’t hurt yours by mistake. I do care about you, guys, and your well-being, and I thought the next logical step was to learn that.

THOMAS: We know you care about us, Logan, and despite not fully understanding feelings yet, that doesn’t stop you from trying to adjust to them for us. That’s one of the many things that make you so cool, Logan.

LOGAN: I appreciate hearing that, Thomas. Well, we should be going. [sinks down] Bye, guys.

PATTON: [sinks down] Bye, kiddos. May your date be full of love and joy, Thomas.

ROMAN: I’m leaving now, guys, I’ve got work to do. [sinks down] You won’t believe what I’ve got in store for you, Thomas.

THOMAS: I can’t wait to see it.

CHRIS: Well, if no one else is joining us, we should be leaving. Thank goodness they finally fixed the royal carriages and now they’re as fast as they used to be. Ready, fam?

VIRGIL: Ready, son.

IAN: Me too.

VIRGIL: [sinks down] Off to Sandersia, then.

CHRIS: [sinks down] Bye, Thomas.

IAN: [also sinks down] Bye, Thomas, good luck on your date.

THOMAS: Thanks guys, have fun in Sandersia. [sighs] Well, this went better than I thought. I hope I didn’t hurt any feelings of them, and that they understand my motivations… For once, I don’t wanna be the Light Master or the Dark Master or any Master at all. I want to feel like a human again, like plain old Thomas Sanders. And what Thomas Sanders wants now is to get to know Nico Flores better, and I hope that we discover that we’re meant to each other. I… I really like that dude. Well, Thomas, you should stop talking to yourself, the Sides are gone and in autopilot and for the first time in a long time, you’re on your own. So you better get ready, Thomothy, today it’s your day… here I am, talking to myself again… I’ll better go take a shower so that I can calm my nervousness.

[Thomas goes upstairs heading to his bedroom bathroom. Time goes by and Thomas is already well groomed. He’s been cooking something which is now in the stove. There’s a ring at the door]

THOMAS: Oh, gosh! It must be him! [clears his throat] Calm yourself, Thomas. Everything’s gonna be all right. [takes a deep breath, then sighs] Let’s go.

[Thomas goes to the door and opens. Nico’s there smiling at him and holding a bottle of wine]

NICO: Hi, Thomas.

THOMAS: Hi, Nico. Did you have any trouble to get here?

NICO: No, not really. With a GPS, nobody can get lost these days, right Thomas?

THOMAS: Tell that to the pizza delivery guy, he always gets lost… What are you bringing there?

NICO: Oh, I bought a bottle of red wine. I thought it would be appropriate.

THOMAS: Gee, thanks, Nico. [checks the bottle] Oh, it’s a young wine… a… Rioja? But that’s an imported wine from Spain! That must have cost you a lot, you shouldn’t have!

NICO: It’s okay [tender smile] when you have a date with the best, you only wanna bring the best, right?

THOMAS: [smiles back] Jeez, if you say it like that, how could I argue back?

NICO: Then don’t argue anymore.

[Nico kisses Thomas]

THOMAS: [silly smile] Well, don’t stay there, come in. Should I put this in the fridge?

NICO: Have you got a wine cooler? It would be better to keep it there so that it stays cool but not too cold.

THOMAS: Yes, it’s right here in the kitchen. I’ll fill it with ice cubes and place the bottle inside. Dinner is almost ready, by the way.

NICO: It smells good… and I think the smell looks familiar to me… What are you cooking?

THOMAS: Well, I wanted to make a homage to you, so, after watching tons of tutorials and using my friends these past few days as guinea pigs while I was practicing, I’m making you… Pa… Parrish? Porridge? No, it’s not that… Perril? What is this word? [Nico chortles, Thomas smiles bashfully] Don’t laugh at me, I don’t know Spanish! Wait a second, I’ll check the recipe title… [checks his phone] Pernil!

NICO: Oh, I thought it smelled familiar! That’s a traditional Puerto Rican dish. It reminds me of Christmas with my abuela Carmen. I miss her so bad. She passed away a few months ago…

THOMAS: Oh, shoot, I hope I didn’t trigger any sad memories.

NICO: Sad? Maybe a few, but most of the memories you triggered are happy ones and that’s how I want to remember her. Thank you, Thomas, for taking the effort of honoring my ancestors and my family.

THOMAS: I only hope I can honor them properly and that I don’t mess up with the recipe. I’m not exactly the best cook, you know?

NICO: Judging by the smell, you’re doing great, don’t worry.

THOMAS: I hope so, it’s been five hours in the stove on a moderate temperature, as the recipe said. I hope it comes out right…

NICO: Thomas, relax. Everything’s gonna be fine. Besides, I’m not here to enjoy your food, but to enjoy my boyfriend’s company… What’s wrong? Are you crying?

THOMAS: [emotional] It’s okay, hearing you calling me boyfriend made me emotional. I… I still can’t believe that, after so long, someone decided they wanted to have me as his boyfriend. I had started to think that I would spend the rest of my life alone…

NICO: Well, I’m proud that you decided to have me as your boyfriend. And I’m glad that not other guys decided to give a chance to you… that way I had time to get you and make you all mine. They don’t know what they’re missing, but it’s too late for them.

THOMAS: Gosh… where have you been all this time and why didn’t I meet you sooner, Nico? My life these last few years would have been so much happier if you had been around.

NICO: I’m sorry you had a rough time, Thomas, but now that’s in the past. Let’s just focus on the present and the future, cause I’m not moving away from your side in a long time, if you let me, of course.

THOMAS: If I let you? You better won’t move away, Nico.

[the stove dings]

THOMAS: Oh, time’s up. The roast is ready, so you better sit down while I get the serving ready.

NICO: Thank you so much, sir.

[Nico sits down in the table, which is already ready, even with a red candle decorating in the middle and a bouquet of magas that Nico immediately notices]

NICO: Magas. The national flower of Puerto Rico! You really got set on giving a homage to my heritage, didn’t you?

THOMAS: [while serving the meal on the plates] Of course I did. And it wasn’t easy to find them around here. Most shops tried to sell me hibiscus instead.

NICO: Yeah, they’re pretty similar, but are actually from completely different species of flowers. And you got real magas. You gotta tell me where you found them.

THOMAS: Sure, while we’re having dinner. We’ll have a lot of time to talk about everything. [puts both plates on the table, then opens the bottle of wine and fills both cups and sits down in front of Nico] Well, everything is ready, so enjoy your meal.

NICO: Let’s have a toast first, shall we?

THOMAS: Sure.

NICO: To us. May we have the best evening ever, and may it be the first of many evenings together for the rest of our lifetimes. ¡Salud!

THOMAS: Cheers!

[they rise their cups and drink, then they proceed to eat their dinner. Meanwhile, in Logan’s room, Patton and Logan are writing vocab cards]

PATTON: And this is why you should say this and not that. Got the difference, Logan?

LOGAN: I… I think so, Patton. Wow, feelings are so complicated to manage. And so hard to understand logically. Sometimes it’s just a matter of trial and error. I don’t know if I’ll be able to learn about them as I should.

PATTON: Of course you are, Logan. You are capable of feeling just like anyone of us, and that just makes you able to understand feelings. Sooner or later, you’ll get the grip of it, you’ll see.

LOGAN: I hope you’re right… [suddenly scared] Patton? Patton what’s the matter?

PATTON: [grimacing as if in pain] I… I don’t know. I suddenly felt an oppression in my chest as if it was getting harder for me to breath.

LOGAN: Oh, no, Patton, what can I do for you?

PATTON: I don’t know… I don’t know what’s going on with me. It’s like I’m getting such a strong feeling that it’s overwhelming to me. I can’t literally cope with its strength… Wait, it’s starting to fade… yes… I’m feeling better now… [takes a deep breath] Gosh, that was intense.

LOGAN: But what was that?

PATTON: I can’t know for sure, cause I’m in autopilot, but I suspect Thomas is having a good time with Nico. Perhaps it’s been a sudden rush of true love what I just felt, so sudden and so strong that I got overloaded for a second. Wow… Thomas had never felt such strong feelings before, not even for his ex, who was his first love. Nico truly makes Thomas feel something, right?

LOGAN: Yes, you just said it Patton. But if this is going to put you in danger, I don’t know if…

PATTON: Don’t worry about me, Logan. I’ll get used to it. I better will, because a feeling like this of true love only grows stronger over time. Wait…

LOGAN: What? Another overload?

PATTON: No… someone’s talking to me.

LOGAN: What? I can’t hear anything.

PATTON: Not with words, directly into my feelings… I think it’s the Core. It’s calling me. It wants to tell me something. I must return to the Mind Palace Center.

LOGAN: If you must go, then fine. But this time, I’m going with you.

PATTON: You can’t. We need Thomas to send anyone other than me up there. And he specifically asked us not to bother him tonight.

LOGAN: But it’s too dangerous, I can’t just let you go all alone, just because the Core has suddenly felt the need to chat.

PATTON: Don’t speak about the Core so disrespectfully, please, Logan. It’s the source of everything that Thomas is, was and will be, including us both.

LOGAN: Sorry, I’m just nervous. I can’t just leave you.

PATTON: [sighs] If only there was a way to know when his date is gonna be over without breaking the autopilot… Logan?

LOGAN: Yes, Patton?

PATTON: Could you go to the bedroom and bring me my old cardigan, please?

LOGAN: Your old cardigan? For what, Patton?

PATTON: I need it for something I gotta do. Please, would you be kind and bring it to me. I feel a little weak from the earlier rush and my legs could fail me if I try to climb the stairs.

LOGAN: Okay, as you wish, Patton.

PATTON: Thank you, Logan.

[Logan starts walking to the stairs]

PATTON: Logan?

LOGAN: Yes, Patton?

PATTON: I love you. You know that, right?

LOGAN: Yes, I do, but why do you say that now?

PATTON: Just because. That’s something you must learn about feelings, Logan. It’s never a bad moment to say I love you. And I love you so much.

LOGAN: I… love you back, Patton. I’ll go get your cardigan.

[Logan walks upstairs]

PATTON: I’m sorry, Logan. But I gotta go see the Core, it could be important. I hope you can forgive me.

[Patton stands up, then looks at the ceiling and floats upwards, disappearing in the ceiling. Logan comes back down the stairs]

LOGAN: I can’t find the cardigan, Patton. Is it in your closet or… Patton? Patton, where are you?

[Logan gets scared and starts looking for Patton all around the place and can’t find him]

LOGAN: What have you done Patton? How could you do this to me? I need help… The others are too far away or too busy, so I can only count on him… Roman! Roman, please, I need your help!

[Roman rises up]

ROMAN: What’s wrong, Logan? You must be really distressed if you decided to call me. What is it?

LOGAN: Patton is gone, and I don’t know what to do. To be honest, I don’t know if you can be of much help, but still…

ROMAN: Hang on, Teach, what’s wrong? Where did Patton go?

LOGAN: To the Core. He said the Core called him. I asked him to wait until Thomas was free, so that we could go together, but he wouldn’t wait.

ROMAN: But the Core is dangerous! He shouldn’t have gone on his own!

LOGAN: That’s what I told him. How could he do this to me? He tricked me.

ROMAN: Well, this is a desperate situation, so I’m afraid we have no choice but to call Thomas.

LOGAN: But Patton left like this so that we wouldn’t disturb him.

ROMAN: I understand and that’s brave on his part, but also temerity. It’s too dangerous. Last time he did it, he had no choice because Thomas was unable to help, but now he’s here, there’s absolutely no justification for what he’s done. I’ll call Thomas.

LOGAN: But…

ROMAN: Thomas? It’s me, Roman. Don’t speak or do any gesture, just listen. Thomas, do you hear me? Blink if you do.

[Meanwhile, Thomas is having dessert with Nico, and they’re talking lively, laughing at one of Thomas’ dad jokes. Suddenly Thomas loses his smile, then blinks]

NICO: Thomas? What’s wrong? You suddenly went so serious.

THOMAS: It’s… it’s fine… I just got a little… stomachache. Would you excuse me if I go to the bathroom for a sec? I’m so sorry.

NICO: Of course, you’re in your home. I hope you’re okay.

THOMAS: Yes, I’m… I’m fine, perhaps something is not agreeing with me, but I’ll be fine, don’t worry. I’ll be back as soon as I can.

[Thomas goes to the bathroom and locks the door]

THOMAS: [angry] I just asked you for one thing, Roman, and not that complicated.

ROMAN: [voice in his head] I know, Thomas, and I’m terribly sorry. I would have never bothered you, but this is an emergency… probably a life or death emergency.

THOMAS: [scared] What? What do you mean life or death? What is going on?

ROMAN: Can you go to Logan’s room so that we explain?

THOMAS: I can’t, Roman. Nico is out there and you know that time in the Mind Palace runs faster than in the outer world. Ten minutes there are like one hour here. Nico would get scared if I don’t give signs of life for so long.

ROMAN: Okay, I’ll tell you, then. Patton has gone to the Mind Palace Core on his own.

THOMAS: What!? Why!?

ROMAN: That, I don’t know exactly, Logan didn’t have time to explain the details, but he’s gone on his own and you know how dangerous the Core is.

THOMAS: Gosh, of all the days he could do something like that, he had to choose today?

ROMAN: If you think you can’t come with us, that’s okay, Thomas. We just ask you that you help us travel to the Mind Palace Center so that we can join Patton. Only you can do that, and you can do it from the outer world.

THOMAS: Really? How?

ROMAN: Just picture us in your mind standing in the Mind Palace Center. You know the place, right? If you imagine us there, we’ll be there.

THOMAS: That’s it? That easy? All the effort and struggle to get there the first time could have been solved with me just imagining us there?

ROMAN: You are the Mind Palace itself, Thomas. From the outer world, you can take us wherever you want just with your imagination. And about the previous struggle, the first time we went there, the Dark Master had placed a barrier in the form of a labyrinth, a barrier that no longer exists, so traveling there is not that complicated anymore, as long as you intervene, that is. Ordinary Sides can’t travel there on their own except Patton as a former Master Side.

THOMAS: Okay, then, I’ll do that and hope it works…

NICO: [on the other side of the door] Thomas, are you okay? I hope you didn’t get too sick.

THOMAS: I’m fine, Nico, I’ll be out in a minute, don’t worry.

NICO: Okay…

THOMAS: [low voice] We gotta do this fast. You guys ready?

ROMAN: Ready when you are, and thank you, Thomas.

[Thomas closes his eyes. Meanwhile, Roman and Logan are in Logan’s room]

ROMAN: Okay, Logan, hold my hand. This is gonna be quite a ride.

LOGAN: Okay…

[suddenly the room around Roman and Logan starts getting blurry until it goes completely out of focus and turns into a series of colors without any shape or form]

LOGAN: Whoa, it feels like when I don’t wear my glasses…

[after some seconds, the place around them starts getting sharper until they realize they’re in the Mind Palace Center]

ROMAN: It worked! Thanks, Thomas, you can go back to Nico now.

LOGAN: Patton!

[Roman and Logan get startled by a yell behind them]

PATTON: Guys! Help me! I’m slipping!

[Patton is holding to the rope tied to the stake Patton placed the last time, too close to the Core, so much so that it’s sucking him into it, he’s grabbing the rope with his bare hands]

LOGAN: Patton, hold on! Don’t let go!

PATTON: Watch out! Don’t get too close or you’ll be sucked into the Core too! But help me! Pull from the rope, please! I don’t know how much I’ll be able to resist!

ROMAN: Okay, hold on, padre!

[Roman and Logan start pulling from the rope]

ROMAN: The Core’s attraction is pulling hard from the other side of the rope. It’s very difficult to pull back.

PATTON: Guys, please! Help me! I don’t wanna go!

LOGAN: Hold on, please, Patton!

[Roman and Logan start pulling from the rope at the same time with all their might. The rope slowly starts giving in, but soon they notice that the rope has started deteriorating and breaking apart]

ROMAN: [struggling] Nnnggh! If we don’t pull harder, we’re not gonna make it!

LOGAN: No, I won’t give Patton up!

PATTON: Logan… I’m so sorry… If only I had listened to you…

[the rope starts breaking]

LOGAN: No, no, no! I’m not gonna let this happen!

[Logan approaches Patton carefully while Roman keeps trying to pull, then he extends his hand towards Patton]

PATTON: Don’t do that, Logan, you’ll put yourself in danger!

LOGAN: I don’t care, I gotta save you!

PATTON: But you could die!

LOGAN: [yelling with tears in his eyes] I can’t live without you anyway! Try to hold my hand, Patton!

PATTON: I’ll try…

[Patton tries to hold Patton’s hand. Then the rope snaps and Patton starts flying towards the Core]

PATTON: [screeching] Oh, no-no-no! Logan!

LOGAN: [yelling] Patton!

[suddenly, in an act of instinct, Logan stretches his arm and holds Patton’s hand. This way, he stops Patton’s flight into the Core, but then both start getting pulled towards it. Logan stretches his other arm and holds the stake where the rope was tied]

LOGAN: Nngh! With the stretchy arms I lose almost all of my resistance, I can barely hold on!

PATTON: Logan, there’s no hope for me anymore! Let me go, or you’ll be sucked into the Core too!

LOGAN: Never! We both will be saved, or we both will end into the Core together!

ROMAN: Both of you, hold on! Now that Logan is standing mostly still, I can conjure a rope tied around his waist and that could be the solution, but try not to move, Logan!

LOGAN: The Core is pulling hard but I’ll do my best.

[Roman tries to conjure a rope, but in he critical moment, a sudden force pulls from Logan and makes him shake, so the rope appears untied]

ROMAN: Dang it!

LOGAN: Sorry, the Core pulled from me.

ROMAN: [making the rope disappear] It’s okay, I can try again, but try not to move, Logan.

[Roman tries again. This time, Logan manages to stand still and the rope appears securely tied around his waist]

ROMAN: Yes! That’s more like it!

LOGAN: Well done, Roman! Now pull.

[Roman tries to pull with all his strength, but the rope doesn’t move an inch]

ROMAN: [struggling] I don’t know if I can do this all alone, guys… it’s too hard… But I won’t let you go!

LOGAN: Roman, your hands are bleeding! It’s from the chafing of the rope!

ROMAN: I don’t care! I won’t let go, even if I lose my hands in the process!

[suddenly, Thomas and all the Sides appear in the place]

THOMAS: Hold on, guys!

ROMAN: Guys! Oh, for the love of Aphrodite, I’m so happy to see you!

LOGAN: Good timing, guys!

[they all start pulling from the rope at the same time. With the combined strength of all of them, it is a much easier task, and soon, Logan and Patton are out of danger. Logan’s arms return to normal as he hugs Patton tightly]

LOGAN: Patton, goodness gracious, I thought I was losing you…

PATTON: [whining] Logan, Logan!

ROMAN: Thank you, guys… But Thomas, what happened with your date?

THOMAS: I heard Logan’s yell about Patton before you closed the mental connection. I couldn’t just stay there enjoying myself on a date. Even if that date was important to me, there are chances for many more dates, and your safety, guys, is the most important thing to me. So I told Nico that I was feeling really sick and asked him if he would have any trouble in ending the date sooner, promising him that I’d repay him as soon as I felt better, and he accepted. He’s such a wonderful guy. I hope I didn’t upset him.

PATTON: I’m so sorry, Thomas. That is exactly what I was trying to avoid…

LOGAN: [angry and yelling] You nearly killed yourself over this stupidity you have just incurred into! What were you thinking? I told you to wait and you tricked me so you could go on your own! Do you have any idea of how you made me feel? I felt like a fool, but worst of all, I felt left behind! I’m your husband, I’m supposed to be by your side in good times and bad, but you left me behind! I…

[Logan starts crying]

PATTON: I’m so sorry, Logan. I was just so worried… and the Core just kept calling and calling… I couldn’t just ignore it… but you’re right, I shouldn’t have done this. I put myself into danger and I almost dragged you with me. I have no excuse and I’m sorry. I hope you can forgive me, Logan. All of you, guys.

LOGAN: [still crying] Don’t ever do that again… I thought I’d never see you again. I love you. You’re the only one I’ve ever loved and I don’t know if I’d ever be able to learn to love again if you disappear from my life. Please, don’t do that again, Patton. I don’t wanna lose you.

PATTON: [emotional, hugging Logan] I promise, Logan, I promise. And I love you too.

THOMAS: Was all of this worth it, though? Patton, you mentioned that the Core was calling you. I presume you went to talk to him like the last time. Did you get something from it?

PATTON: Yes, before the rope I tied around my waist suddenly got untied, probably because the Core’s influence slowly deteriorated it, as it was the same rope that I left here from the last time, I got to communicate with the Core again.

THOMAS: Well, and what did he say?

PATTON: Virgil, Roman, the Core has revealed to me a way to bring your son Dillon back with us and away from the Paladin’s control.

VIRGIL: What? Really?

ROMAN: Oh, gosh, Patton, if that’s true, I’d be forever grateful to you.

PATTON: However, Thomas, this comes with a risk for you.

THOMAS: A risk? What do you mean?

PATTON: A risk for you… and for Nico.

[Thomas looks at Patton, not knowing what to say]

[ending card]

THOMAS: I don’t understand, Patton. What does Nico have to do with all of this?

PATTON: The Core spoke to me, Thomas. He told me that something has changed inside of it the moment you first put your eyes on Nico. A force, stronger than anyone, has started filling it and it is a force strong enough to overcome the Paladin’s control over Dillon. But, in order to make use of that force… we need Nico to enter the Mind Palace and stand by your side when you face the Paladin. The two of you together are completely unstoppable.

THOMAS: But I didn’t want to reveal my secret to Nico. What if I scare him? What if he refuses to help me and at the same time breaks up with me? And what is more important, I don’t want to put him into any kind of danger.

PATTON: I don’t think Nico would really be endangered, as long as he stayed with you all the time, as I told you, you two are unstoppable. And about the rest, Nico loves you, Thomas. It only has taken you two a few weeks to build a love so strong that could banish the forces of darkness inside your mind world. I doubt he would break up with you, Thomas.

THOMAS: You doubt it, so you think there’s a chance he could do it. I… I don’t know if I’m ready for such a risk.

[Roman looks at Virgil and they both share a glance of agreement]

ROMAN: We understand, Thomas. We would never put your happiness on risk. We’ll find another way.

PATTON: Sorry if I’m pushy, but there’s one more thing the Core said. Dillon is running out of time. The possession that has happened to him is in some aspects similar to when a Sprite bites someone of us. Once the Paladin has spent enough time inside of his body, the real Dillon will be no more. It is a much slower process than with Sprites, because the Paladin doesn’t have a real physical form like them, but the process is still going on and if you don’t hurry, there will be no way to undo it.

VIRGIL: That’s something that breaks my heart, dad. But still, it’s Thomas’ choice. It kills me to think of such fate for my son but… I don’t want to make Thomas miserable.

THOMAS: No, guys, I have thought about it. If I am to start a relation with Nico in the hope of making it last for a lifetime… there can be no secrets between us. Nico needs to love me as I am, with all its consequences. Besides, if I have shared my secret with a lot of my best friends, it’s only natural that I share it too with the love of my life, isn’t it? I’ll talk to Nico.

ROMAN: Are you sure, Thomas? Don’t feel forced to do so just for us.

THOMAS: Yes, I’m sure. I have to tell him. For Dillon, but also for myself. I need to tell Nico my secret. And I really hope he still loves me when he knows the truth about me.

ROMAN: Okay, Thomas. Thank you so much.

THOMAS: Don’t mention.

PATTON: And Roman, there’s one more thing the Core told me. It was a message… for you.

ROMAN: For me?

PATTON: It wants you to know that what you wrote on the last page of your diary… is true. It was him. I don’t know what that means but the Core told me you would understand.

[Roman looks at Patton, at first without any reaction, then streams of tears fall down his cheeks as he shows a bittersweet smile]

ROMAN: Thank you, Patton… You have just made me… the happiest prince in the world. Happiest and terrified at the same time, but you have given me so much hope. Gosh, I love you so much, my dear friend… no, my dear father.

[Roman hugs Patton and Patton hugs him back]

PATTON: Happy to help, my dear son-in-law. Whatever I did, I’m happy to help.

[everyone looks at them with an expression of emotion]

VIRGIL: Am I the only one who is completely lost or is it just me?

[no one seems to hear Virgil as they’re busy cleaning their own tears]

VIRGIL: [shedding] Oh, never mind, he’ll explain later, I guess. Now it’s time for panic and or crying… or even better, just plain crying…

[they all stay like that, emotional, looking at them]

[musicprincess1990]

Sherlolly prompt please? “For science!” and Friends to lovers!

Taken from my Trope Duos prompt list (prompts are now closed).  #16: “For Science!” and, #17: Friends to Lovers.

Two of my absolute favorite tropes together, you’d think it’d be easy to write… but NO, I stared at this prompt for WEEKS before I finally managed this fluffy bit of Teen!lock.  Please forgive my tardiness, and happy reading! (I hope…)

*

For Science

Molly Hooper.

Yes, she would make the perfect test subject.

For some weeks now, Sherlock had been forming an idea in his mind, an idea regarding his future.  He had no desire for the staid and proper career paths to which so many of his peers, and his superiors, subjected themselves.  He much preferred the idea of working on a freelance basis, particularly in regard to his field of choice: criminal justice.  Scotland Yard was out of the question, the “detectives” there were lazy at best, incurably stupid at worst.  No, he would be their consultant, offering a second (superior) pair of eyes whenever they were out of their depth.  It was quite genius, really.

Using the new memory technique he’d learned, Sherlock had begun constructing a palace within his mind, storing any and all information that might be relevant to his career.  Most of it could be found in books, on the internet, or buried within his subconscious, but there was one area in which these methods fell short.  Social and emotional context was best studied on another person, and also in person, with the subject providing both something to observe, and their own descriptions.

Which brought him back to Molly Hooper.  As a young woman who typically wore her heart on her sleeve, the observation aspect would be fairly easy, and despite her being a year behind him, she was in his chemistry class.  Therefore, she would provide much better insight than the other dullards in the school.

Also, there was the matter of her being his only friend.

Not that Sherlock minded, he couldn’t care less what the rest of the idiots in the school thought of him.  They were, as previously stated, idiots, and he aimed to keep such people at as far a distance as possible.  That said, it would be difficult to convince anyone with whom he was not on good terms to assist him in any experiments, much less this particular one.  Fortunately, he did have Molly, and her innate kindness and similar interest in the sciences substantially increased the chances of her accepting.

His decision made, Sherlock waited until lunch and sought her out in the dining hall.  As usual, he found her seated in a corner table, isolated from the rest of their classmates.  Unlike him, Molly actually liked people, but her shy disposition kept her from reaching out to them.  The two of them would never have been friends, had they not been assigned to one another as lab partners.  The year had set off to a rocky start (Molly timid and stammering and occasionally clumsy, Sherlock aloof and insistent that he preferred to work alone), but over time, he had grown to respect her intellect, so obviously above the cattle surrounding them.  In turn, she had found her strength, no longer stammered, and was unafraid of standing up to him.  Granted, some things had been easier before she’d grown a spine, but he found her much more interesting now, and, most surprising of all, she never bored him.

The focus of his thoughts lifted her head as he approached the table, her usual grin curling her lips.  “Hello, Sherlock!” she greeted cheerfully.

He offered a nod of his head, taking the seat opposite her.  “Molly.  Enjoying the roast pork?”

Molly glanced down at the barely-touched meat and gravy on her tray, wrinkling her nose.  “Not particularly, no.  The potatoes are rubbish as well.  Still,” she added, “it’s better than nothing, I suppose.”

“Mm, debatable,” he countered, and she rolled her eyes with a fond smile.

“Well, most of us need to eat regular meals, Sherlock.”

He groaned dramatically.  “How unbearably dull.”

Molly sniggered, then took a purposeful bite of the roast pork, holding his gaze the entire time.  She grimaced, but did not look away, even after she had swallowed the disgusting food.  “There, see?  I’m not afraid of doing unpleasant things.”

Sherlock raised an eyebrow at her in response, then used her bold statement as his means of changing the subject.  “Speaking of which,” he began, “I have rather an unusual experiment I’m hoping to undertake, and I’ll need assistance.  After some consideration, I’ve decided you would be best suited to help me.”

It was Molly’s turn to lift an eyebrow.  “Had to sit and think about that one, did you?”

“Yes, well, I never said it was a lengthy period of consideration, did I?”

Molly speared another bite of pork.  “Right, come on then.  What’s this experiment?”

“Kissing.”

The fork clattered onto the tray, sending several drops of watery gravy splattering in all directions.  Sherlock frowned and scooted backwards to avoid the spray.  “What the hell was that about?”

Molly’s eyes, already bordering on too big for her face, nearly doubled in size.  “Y-you… you want to… that is…”

“Really, Molly, I thought we’d gotten past the stammering by now.”

“Don’t be a git, Sherlock,” she snapped, and he noted with satisfaction that her voice was much steadier.  “Explain yourself.”

Sherlock sighed and leaned forward, resting his elbows on the table (thankfully, the gravy eruption had not reached his side of the table).  “You already know my career plans, of course.”  She nodded in confirmation.  “It has recently come to my attention that certain behaviors, certain… reactions… would be most helpful to understand.  Particularly the reactions following specific forms of sexual stimuli.”

Molly blinked a few times.  “So… you want to know what it looks and feels like to be kissed?”

“That’s rather oversimplifying the matter, but… essentially, yes.”

She fixed her eyes on a spot of stray gravy, gnawing thoughtfully on her lower lip.  Sherlock waited, mustering no small amount of patience to do so, knowing if he pressed the matter, she would be far less agreeable.  Finally, she lifted her eyes to meet his.  “This is all just… an experiment?  Strictly for science?”

“Of course,” he nodded.

Molly inhaled slowly, deeply through her nose, and Sherlock saw the decision in her eyes before she vocalized it.  “Okay.  I’ll do it.”

*

Two days later, on an unusually sunny Saturday, Sherlock and Molly took the weekly bus into the nearby town, and made for the most secluded spot available: a little cluster of trees within the town’s small park.  The boughs of four fir trees, standing close together, created a nearly fully enclosed space, the gaps just wide enough to slip through sideways.  Molly grinned to herself at the smell of pine and earth, grateful for the memories and the brief distraction it brought.  Too brief, she mused, as Sherlock sidled in behind her, reminding her of the reason for this unorthodox destination.

Her nerves were sky-high as he invaded her space, his fingers gently closing around her upper arm to turn her around.  Molly didn’t meet his eyes immediately, opting to focus on his shirt buttons (bad idea, they were straining to keep their place against his surprisingly toned torso), counting to three in her mind before finally lifting her head.

…And finding the same nervousness in his face..

“Right,” he murmured, his voice breaking so slightly, she thought she must have imagined it.  “So… shall we?”

Molly swallowed thickly.  “Well, ah…  first let’s… let’s talk about some of the… chemical reactions.  You’ve done, erm, some research on that?”

“Yes,” he said a bit too loudly, clearly grateful for the delay.  He cleared his throat.  “Preliminary research indicates that the act of kissing another human being produces a flood of dopamine, serotonin, and, in cases of great affection in one or both parties, oxytocin.”

“Mmhmm,” she nodded.  “What else?”

“Physiological signs of this release of chemicals include flushed cheeks, dilated pupils, elevated pulse, and labored, erratic breathing.  And, in the male’s case, there may even be an erection.”

Molly fought the embarrassed blush that bloomed beneath her cheeks at his use of… that word.  “Right, well… I think that, erm… just about covers it.”

Sherlock, whose expression had become passive as he recited the science behind kissing, snapped his gaze in her direction.  He looked… well, he looked properly terrified, to be honest, like she’d just told him his mother was coming for an impromptu visit (which had happened once, though the headmaster had been the one to inform him, rather than Molly).  Certainly not for the first time, Molly wondered if this really was such a good idea.  Yes, she’d secretly fancied Sherlock since she clapped eyes on him.  Yes, she’d fantasized about snogging him on numerous occasions, though usually in a more romantic setting.  And yes, she was also aware that this was as close to that fantasy as she would ever get.  But if he was going to be miserable the whole time… she couldn’t do it.

“Look, Sherlock, we don’t have to do this.  I know you want to gain as much knowledge as you can, anything that might help your career, but if you don’t want to kiss me—”

“It’s not that,” he interrupted her, his eyes downcast.

“Oh… then… you do want to?”

“No.”

“No?” she parroted back, just a little bit hurt.

He hesitated, a familiar little crinkle forming between his brows as he pondered this.  Molly had a feeling that crinkle would become much more prominent in a few years, as often as she saw it.  Finally, he looked at her, his crystalline eyes wide and worried.  “I’ve never kissed anyone.”

Molly paused, waiting for the rest of his explanation… but after a few moments of silence, it became clear that that was the whole explanation.  “Well, I sort of knew that… I mean, if you had, you wouldn’t be carrying out a snogging experiment, would you?”

Sherlock was perfectly still for fully ten seconds, before finally asking, “So… you don’t mind?”

“Of course not!” she laughed, taking care that she didn’t come off as mocking him.  “It’s not like I’ve been snogging boys left and right myself.  I’ve only had one real boyfriend, and... well... you know how that turned out.”

“Hm, yes I remember,” he mused.  "How is dear Jim faring in prison, I wonder?"

"Who cares?" she muttered.  "My point is, you don't need to be self-conscious."

"I'm not…" he began, but cut himself off when he saw the look of annoyance Molly gave him.  "Okay, fine.  I may be the slightest bit out of my depth here "

Molly smiled.  "I should be recording this."

"Don't make jokes, Molly."

"Don't be a prat, Sherlock."

"I'm not—" he was cut off again, this time by Molly, who had abruptly grabbed his face and crushed her lips against his.  Sherlock instinctively closed his eyes as his mind raced to process all the new data and stimuli presented to him.

Warm… soft… smells like cinnamon… wonder if she tastes like it too?  As if reading his thoughts, Molly's lips parted on a breathy sigh, and Sherlock slid his tongue out to taste her.  Mmm, yes, tastes like cinnam—oh, God…  Her hands had drifted upward, fingers carding through his hair, and he simultaneously shivered and flushed, heat spreading all the way down to his toes.

In the back of his mind, a voice whispered that he was supposed to be doing something… but for the life of him, he couldn't remember what it was.  All he could think was, not enough.  She wasn't close enough, he wasn't touching her enough.  Well, he soon remedied that, firmly locking his arms around her and lifting her off the ground.  Molly gasped against his lips, and the sound sent another flash of heat through him.  A quiet groan met his ears, and as her wide, startled eyes met his, he realized it had come from him.

They remained still, eyes locked and panting for breath, before Sherlock slowly lowered Molly back to the ground.  His arms dropped limply by his sides, and she took a step backward, avoiding his gaze.  At one point, her eyes did stray in his direction, and the pink blush on her cheeks darkened.  Sherlock followed the trajectory id that embarrassed glance, and found—oh.  Well, he had been enjoying himself, hadn't he?

"I-I’m sorry," she stammered.

He frowned.  "Why on earth are you sorry?"

Molly shrugged one shoulder, still not looking at him.  "I dunno… I just… it's fine," she mumbled quietly as her arms wrapped around her middle.

Sherlock watched her begin to shrink into herself, and felt a painful tug against his navel.  In his current, befuddled state, he did not pause to think about what he was doing, he simply acted.  His hands found her shoulders, gently pulling her back toward him. She stiffened, and he held his breath, as if the slightest puff of air would send her running.  Her dark eyes lifted, and finally, the scientific portion of his brain kicked in, noting the physiological signs in her.  Eyes dilated… face flushed… breathing irregular… his left hand shifted slowly up along her neck… elevated pulse.

He couldn't help the gratified smirk he felt stretching across his face.  Molly's eyebrowed pulled together in confusion.  "I'm afraid the results of this experiment were rather… inconclusive."  Cradling her face in both hands, he bent his head, his intent obvious.  "Further study is required."

Molly grinned, all shyness cast aside, and her fingers toyed with the collar of his coat.  "Well… I suppose I can manage that.  In the name of science," she added with mock seriousness.

Sherlock dove in and captured her lips again, hoisting her up off her feet as he had before.  This time, Molly's legs wrapped around his waist, and she eagerly kissed him back.  And as the endorphins and hormones flooded his brain once more, Sherlock decided this was easily the best idea he'd ever had.

[behindheremeraldeyes]

sasusaku month 2020

day 04- drink me under

title: Inebriating Love

summary: Modern AU - it’s a lonely, Sunday night and Sakura doesn’t want to spend it alone with her memories.

a/n: I suck at summaries hahaha okay, I LOVED writing this one! I had this idea a while ago when I was listening to an old song and I just had to use that feeling of two lovers in the night with SasuSaku. I’m not sure if it worked the way it was meant to, but I’m happy with the result! I hope you guys enjoy this one, and I also hope you forgive me for my mistakes. My beta is still busy, so all the typos and grammar mistakes are on me. Have fun!

Rated T

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.

Though Sakura has always considered herself to possesse a wild imagination, her 13-year-old self would’ve never pictured she would eventually grow up to become a regular costumer at the nearby pub. In fact, being the goody two-shoes she used to be, her younger self would’ve laughed at whoever said anything that stupid about the brilliant future that certainly awaited for her.

First, I will graduate high school with the best scores, then I will be a famous doctor. I’ll stay away from any addictions and I’ll marry a wonderful guy so we can have two, wonderful kids before I turn thirty!

She would answer that whenever someone asked her about what she wanted to be when she grew up, and there would be no doubt lingering in her voice regarding it. Sakura had everything planed for herself, and anything slightly different from that scenario would be unacceptable.

Poor, little girl, she thinks now, taking a sip of her double scotch. There’s a smirk decorating her lips as she places the glass back on the wooden counter, and she closes her eyes as the liquor slips down her throat.

It doesn’t burn anymore. Hasn’t burned in ages, in fact. The alcohol now is no stranger to her body, but unfortunately, it’s not as effective as it used to be when she first started coming to this place. She rarely gets drunk anymore, needing many doses to make her pass out, but she doesn’t know if that’s something that a small-town girl should be proud of.

Her life was supposed to have been different. Maybe not exactly like the one she had pictured, but she should’ve been able to do more after she actually managed to become a doctor and work at a prestigious hospital. She believes she has become a successful woman— a strong one, as some of her young patients usually call her— but that alone isn’t enough to protect her from a lonely night.

If it were, perhaps, she wouldn’t be all alone in a pub, drinking her problems away and talking to her only friend in the city, Uchiha Sasuke— the pub-owner.

Tonight, since most of his employees are off duty, he is the one serving his clients their drinks, and right now, he is giving another dose of whiskey to the old man sitting some benches away from her. Her green eyes carefully observe him from her seat as he slowly pours another dose while telling him that, maybe, he’s had enough for the night. There aren't many people drinking on this Sunday night— 4, including her, all of them men around their fifties— and she couldn’t help but feel a bit greedy.

Maybe it’s the alcohol or maybe it’s the night itself, but Sakura doesn’t want to share him tonight. She enjoys his company more than she cares to admit, and seeing him so far away makes her rosy lips turn into a pout. He’s the reason why she keeps coming back to this place, and he’s also the only person who makes her feel less shitty about herself— and that says a lot.

At first, the pinkette thought it was just the way he treated all the other costumers, but slowly, she realized that was not the case. He’s a cordial man to everyone, at most, but it’s become easy for her to tell that he actually likes her. He is always sincere whenever he asks her about her day, and more than once has he closed the pub earlier so they could have a drink or two while sharing a pizza. They talk about a lot of things, and she simply loves to hear the weird stories about some weird costumers and their weird stories.

Whenever she hears about these people, a part of her just hopes she’s not just another weird story in his repertoire.

Ever since she arrived in the city and destiny brought them together, he has been there for her, giving her tips on the urban life and even telling her which restaurants she should order food from whenever she didn’t feel like cooking. Eventually, they discovered that they have a lot of similar interests, such as mystery books, horror movies and old, American songs— the kind that would always start playing whenever she came by— and it’s undeniable that they feel comfortable enough around each other to share some personal memories, too.

In the same way he knows about her life before she ended up where she is, Sakura knows about his family. Knows that he has lost them in an accident over 10 years ago, and that he gave up on his layer carrier after that. She also knows about the fan tattoo he has on his right forearm and that he has a snake named Aoda in his small apartment.

He’s a very interesting guy, indeed. He holds an unique and mysterious charm behind his obsidian eyes and stoic features, and even after years of coming and going, the pinkette still feels herself being drawn to him.

How intriguing, she thinks, propping her elbow on the counter. Unconsciously, she rests her chin on the palm of her right hand, squinting her eyes a bit as she continues to stare at him. She notices that he slightly turns his head to spare her a side glance, and instead of looking away when their eyes meet, Sakura holds his stare for a couple of seconds too long until, eventually, he has to break contact in order to pay attention to his other costumer. There’s a sly smirk decorating her face now, and she also notices the way his lips twitch upward.

This is something they do on regular basis, now. She didn’t really notice it, at first, but eventually, Sakura realized that it’s not unusual for their eyes to meet whenever he’s serving another person. It used to be shy and unconscious, but after a while, she started doing it on purpose, just to see what his reaction would be.

It’s a bold move of hers— or, at least, she thinks it is. An unspoken challenge between their eyes, as they tease and expose each other with every exchanged glance. It’s an amusing and harmless flirt, and though they have no idea of how to beat this ruleless game, neither of them seem to be in a hurry to end it or anything like that.

However, losing this game doesn’t seem to be that bad.

Once he finally manages to walk away from the older guy, the Uchiha doesn’t waste his chance to come to her. His steps are slow, but soon, he’s standing across the counter from her. The warm lights that illuminate the bottles behind him highlight his handsome features, and she knows she could just stare at him for hours without stopping.

“Having fun with your other costumers, Sasuke-kun?” She asks, her eyes now holding a joyful gleam.

“You can say so.” He says, simply, organizing some of the glasses and bottles near his reach. “In fact, he’s curious about you.”

“Me?” She furrows her brows.

“Aah. He doesn’t understand what a pretty girl is doing all by herself in a place like this.”

“Well…” She starts, the tip of her tongue smoothing her lower lip. Sakura loves hearing that question whenever she comes by, especially since she doesn’t know the answer herself. Every time, she makes a new excuse and creates a different lie, just to see how people would react to her crazy stories. Tonight, though, she doesn’t really feel very creative. “Tell him it’s just a lonely night playing its tricks.”

“…I see.” He nods, knowing better not to press on her matters. Though he has heard her problems many times before, Sasuke has learned that, on some nights, nothing really can be done. He knows when she needs space and when she needs a shoulder to cry on, and right now, it’s clear that it’s the former. “He's been ordering the same as you, but I don’t think he will be able to stand for too long.”

“It takes years of practice to reach my level, right?”

“Years, right?” His lips curl up slightly at her words, probably remembering the girl she used to be when they first met. On that day, she had ordered a diet coke, and she made him swear at least three times there was no drop of alcohol in her glass before she took a sip. And even if nowadays there are times when she really just comes for her diet coke, she knows he’s a man worthy of her trust.

“Yeah.” She giggles, then, taking the last sip of her drink. “Tell him that befriending the pub-owner does that to you.”

“Oh, so now this is on me?”

“Of course. If you weren’t such a nice guy, perhaps, I wouldn’t be here tonight.”

“Hn.” He closed his eyes, pouring some more in her glass. Though she didn’t really use words to ask him, he already knows how to read her unspoken wishes. “I'm glad I’m a nice guy, then.”

“Very nice, indeed.”

She takes another sip of her new drink, and allows her mind to drift back to the moments they shared. Though she really believes him to be a nice guy, Sakura can’t help but feel a certain heat pooling in her stomach because of the times when he wasn't really that nice.

Her eyes land on his hands— so strong and firm— and she remembers how warm they feel against her bare skin. The way his muscles tense at her touch and the marks he leaves on her hips whenever he pins her against a wall are signs of his hidden roughness, and she bites her lower lip at the memory of his kisses trailing down her neck.

Though that black shirt might make him look composed and recollected, she knows better than to believe that professional facade of his. His intense stare and his dark locks hide more than anyone can tell, and she likes to believe this is their little secret.

It has happened a few times already and even if they say they can’t keep doing this forever, it’s a lot easier said than done. They share a deep connection neither of them really understand, and from time to time, their souls seek for a certain comfort that they can only find within each other.

It’s more than just physical need, they know. It’s more than raging hormones and alcohol, for there’s an intimacy neither of them had counted on when they first started their rendezvous. They’re already past that one-night-stand thing, but to say it’s something more—well, perhaps she’s still too sober to dwell into this.

“You're oddly quiet tonight.” He says, breaking her from her thoughts.

A soft smiles crosses her lips as her fingers start playing with the brim of her glass. She looks down, at first, then her eyes return to him. “I guess I don’t know what to talk about.”

“Anything is fine, I suppose.”

“Uhmm…” She hums, trying to think about what to say. “I guess it would be easier if I was like the others that come here with marriage problems or because they got fired.”

“But you’re not like them, Sakura.” He states, his dark eyes intensely staring at her. Her heart starts pounding faster in her chest, the air feeling too heavy inside her lungs. She feels defenseless under his stare, as if he is stripping her of her good senses, and although she really came by just for a couple of drinks and a nice talk, something inside her urges for more. His sincere concern is probably his most charming feature, and he knows exactly when to use it against her.

Damn it, she really hates him for that.

“Well...” She starts, a teasing smile on her lips. “You would probably know exactly what to tell me, right?"

“It depends a lot, to be honest.”

“How so?”

“If the problem had anything to do with your job, I would probably just tell you to try again since this is the main reason why you came to the city in the first place. Your job is important to you, and even if you complain about it every now and then, we both know you love what you do.”

“This is a very good advice, indeed. Very professional.” She giggles, tilting her head to the side. “And what if it was about marriage problems?”

“In that case, I don’t think I would be able to give you a real advice on that.” He starts, looking around, as if he is checking his surroundings. She can tell he’s mostly messing around, but by the time he leans towards her, she doesn’t miss the way his eyes grow a bit darker. Their faces are bare inches apart, and the smell of his cologne invades her nostrils as he whispers to her. “I don’t think I would be able to remain impartial.”

Her eyes drift to his lips for a second, and it’s as if she can feel his warmth irradiating towards her body. Sakura is very aware that he’s teasing her, and even if she would normally be a bit more cautious with her words around him, right now, she doesn’t really seem to care about extending their little game for the night. “I guess I would be talking to the problem himself, right?”

A smirk grows on his face at her words, and slowly, he returns to his previous position. He’s towering over her now, only the wooden counter standing between their bodies. They don’t move for a couple of seconds, their lustful eyes still too busy flirting with each other to even pay attention to the world around them. And if not for his other costumer calling his name, they would’ve remained like that for who knows how long.

Once their eye contact is broken, she looks down at her drink once more, her lips still holding the memory of a smirk. Seeing how bothered his face seems right now is incredibly amusing, and for that, she decides to forgive that man for interrupting them.

He just wanted his drink, after all.

“Someone’s calling you, mister barman.”

“Tch.” He scoffs. “Don't go anywhere. I’ll be right back”

“Oh, don’t worry. I’ll be right here with my drink.” She starts, her eyes now sparing his other costumer a side-glance. “But I don’t think our pal over there is gonna last that much longer.”

Sighing defeatedly, the raven haired boy makes his way towards the other guy. He’s speaking louder now, his words coming out with no connection between them. For what she could understand, he was trying to say anything about being an excellent drinker, and that he could drink more than everyone in that pub. He seems completely sure about that, but to no one’s surprise, it doesn’t take long before his head falls face-first on the counter top. At first, both Sasuke and her worry that he might have stopped breathing, but as soon as the Uchiha confirms that the man is just asleep, she relaxes again. Apparently, instead of an ambulance, they believe calling a cab should be just fine.

Her eyes are still looking at Sasuke from afar as he ponders his next options with his sleeping costumer. Judging by his face, the Uchiha seems troubled, and this is enough to make her laugh. It’s an honest laugh, she knows, and she realizes she hasn’t laughed like that for a while now. She rests her head on her left hand this time, and allows herself to appreciate that rare moment of joy in such an awful night.

When she left home that evening, the pinkette could’ve never imagined she would actually be able to laugh at a drunk man, and she believes she has to thank Sasuke for that. Though she knows her problems are still lingering in her mind, haunting her for even daring to show signs of happiness, Sakura is not a woman who willingly chooses to remain unhappy. As long as she can identify a valid way out, she’s always fast to ignore whatever is bothering her, and even if that doesn’t solve anything, at least it works as a coping mechanism.

Sometimes, she thinks, overthinking is just a useless, human reaction. There are times when worrying about something won’t really do anyone no good, and tonight is one of those times.

Sure, she could have chosen to tell him about her childhood best friend who got married in her home town and even the fact that she wasn’t invited for it. She could tell him how those severed ties made her really homesick, and how missing her family makes her remember her grandmother’s harsh words when she first told them she was moving out because of her new job.

Sakura could’ve really told him all that, but what difference would it have made tonight?

Knowing him, Sasuke would probably try to tell her not to let those things get to her, but at least for tonight, it’s already too late. It’s already gotten her— a lot more than she thought it would— and now it’s just too late to fix anything.

Not that she even tried, to begin with.

At the same moment she decided to come by for a couple of drinks, the pinkette had an idea of how her evening would end. She never really planned on getting a different point of view on that matter and she certainly wasn’t looking for any advice on what to do next.

Sakura was just thirsty for a drink or four and some good company. His company, more specifically.

By the time she makes up her mind, the Uchiha has already called that man a cab and the other costumers are also taking their leave. They all pay him for the drinks and the service, and when they’re finally left alone, Sasuke decides that it should be fine if he closes earlier tonight. She’s still sitting on her bench when returns from the now locked door, her glass now almost empty, and her eyes follow him as he starts placing the bottles back on the shelves.

“Do you want some help with anything, Sasuke-kun?” She asks, sincerely.

“Thank you for the offer, but don’t worry. I’ll just organize a couple of things so Naruto can finish everything tomorrow morning.”

“I bet he’s gonna love the surprise.” She chuckles, her mind already imagining the blonde cursing his boss. “You should give him a raise.”

“Not happening.” He denies, firmly.

“Well, I’ve tried.” She shrugs, a smile on her face as she closes her eyes for an instant, her mind drifting back to his other costumer. “I guess that guy still has some training to do if he wants to beat me.”

“He really didn’t know what he was getting himself into.” He nods, wiping the counter top from peanut shells. “Barely he knew you would be drinking him under the table so early.”

“They never do.” She says, proudly, before finishing her drink.

There’s a smirk on his face at her words. Thinking that such a small girl would actually be able to handle so much alcohol without even losing balance really amazes him. “Do you want another drink?”

“Oh, no. I’ve had my share for tonight, thank you, Sasuke-kun.”

“Are you sure? You don’t have to work tomorrow or anything and you didn’t even drink that much tonight.”

“I’m sure.” She says, and it’s as if she can feel her eyes turning a darker shade of green as she looks at his back. Her heart is beating faster now, and she knows she won’t be able to hold an innocent conversation for too long. When he turns to face her, then, she holds his stare for a bit too long, and unconsciously bats her eyelashes. She’s blushing now— just a dust of pink on her cheeks— and she takes a deep breath before her voice comes out almost as a whisper. “I might not be close to drinking myself under, but…as they say, another drink and I’ll be under the host.”

Her eyes are half-closed now as she looks at him, and slowly, she makes a bridge with her fingers that lingers just below her pouting lips. Sakura is very aware of what she’s doing right now, and judging by the way his eyes grow fonder, she can tell he knows it, too. They’re way past subtle advances now, but they know better than to just skip the steps.

A little romance never did anyone no harm, after all.

After they maintain eye-contact for a couple of seconds, the Uchiha is the first to break it, as he clears his throat, causing the smile on her face to widen a bit. Once he finishes what he was doing, he grabs a bottle he keeps under the counter and a clean glass before walking away so he can join her on the other side. He takes a seat next to her, and carefully, he pours them another dose and handles her the previously-empty glass. He’s also holding one, now, and her expression softens as he comes closer.

“Then let’s make it worth it."

Their faces are just inches apart when he says that, and she can’t find words to describe how good this feels. Though it’s far from the relationship she had pictured for herself a long time ago, Sakura believes this is much better than settling for what’s considered to be normal all over the world. Sasuke has brought an adventurous charm into her life, and he has showed her how beautiful the rain is even in the middle of a storm. He’s probably the most simple, yet most intriguing part of her life, and right now, she can’t really imagine herself without him anymore.

He has turned her small and monotonous world upside-down, and made her learn that, sometimes, people can grow thirsty for one another and there’s nothing wrong with that.

They clink their glasses before drinking the liquor, and they giggle a bit to that. His hand is now cupping her face, and his thumb softly brushes her cheek. They don’t need any words to express their feelings now, and when he finally kisses her— so roughly, yet gentle and passionate— it’s like all the alcohol she has consumed during the evening is making her throat burn. Her stomach is on fire, her heart is racing and she’s growing intoxicated by his touch.

Uchiha Sasuke is certainly the strongest and most inebriating thing in her life, and in this big and lonely city, he’s the only one who can quench her thirst.

fin.

[imaginepirates]

Loving and Loved

A third part to Scarred and Scared! For @kay-maybe, who wanted some more Beckett. Well, here you have it. Featuring: an incredible amount of self-consciousness and some tender treatment. 

~3000 words

@paljonkaikenlaista @emdrabbles @tesserphantom @viper-official

~~~~~~~

          The weeks following your capture were pleasant. Beckett had certainly found a new use for you, and you were enjoying yourself more than you’d like to admit. He always had a hand on yours, and he would press light kisses to your knuckles or the back of your hand. Occasionally, when he was feeling particularly bold, he’d ask you to guide one of his hands to your cheek so he could kiss you there. Only when you were alone did he let you kiss him on the lips, and you could feel him smile when you did so.

          Currently, you were rubbing the sleep from your eyes, stretching in the morning sun that streamed through the curtains. You donned your usual robe; Beckett gave you robes of all colors and levels of scandal to wear around the house. You indulged him, even if he couldn’t see you. They were comfortable, and light in the Jamaican heat. You chose one of seafoam green with little white shells embroidered across it. Fitting, you thought, given your location.

          Though Beckett owned a dining room, he hardly ever used it. You met him in his office during most mealtimes, unless he was meeting with somebody over food, which was the case more often than you might have liked.

          You visited the kitchens to get a tray filled with breakfast foods before walking back to his office. You gave the door a little push with your hip and entered, setting the food on a table in the middle of the space. He hummed, acknowledging that you were there.

          “I brought breakfast,” you told him.

          He leaned back in his chair, looking up in your direction. “I can smell that. A good thing too, because all I’ve had is tea.”

          “I figured as much.” He drank enough tea to fill an ocean. You walked over to him, helping him out of his chair and over to the table. He was getting better at walking, you noticed. It didn’t take him as long to move from place to place. Everything was slowly becoming easier for him, and you were glad to see it.

          He yawned upon reaching his seat, and you handed him a pastry. “Will you keep me company this morning?” He asked.

          “Of course.” You often did, simply sitting in a chair near him, reading a book, your hand over his. It was nice enough, and he always wore a small smile when you stayed.

          “I’ve scheduled the servants to have tomorrow to themselves. They’ll be leaving this evening.” Beckett picked at his pastry, eating small chunks at a time.

          It was the first time he’d scheduled a day off for his household servants, but you heard it wasn’t uncommon. Every month and a half or so, he’d give them a day entirely to themselves. That, of course, had been before his injury, when he’d been self-sufficient. You assumed you’d be staying with him, even if you didn’t consider yourself a servant.

          “Will you be leaving as well?” he asked.

          “Why would I? You need somebody to take care of you.”

          “I’m sure I can find someone up to the task. Besides, you haven’t been able to properly explore the city since arriving here. It’s a beautiful city; don’t let me hinder you.”

          You moved closer, placing a reassuring hand on his arm. “You’re not a hindrance to me. Not you.”

          He didn’t respond, nor did you expect him to. He was unused to your compliments and assurances, and you thought it possible that he didn’t quite believe them. Over the past few weeks, he’d been shocked by your kindness, and it had clearly shown. You pitied him a little for that. How he’d grown so unused to any kind of affection baffled you. Had it really been so long since somebody had cared for him?

          You assumed, by the way things were now, that Beckett lived a solitary life. He was surrounded by his work and his domestics, but they weren’t people he shared his life with on a personal level. His thoughts and feelings were kept to himself, creating a lonely man.

          You helped Beckett back to the chair at his desk. He’d have servants to read all the papers to him and write down his responses, so you could continue your regular routine of reading by his side. You sat with a copy of Macbeth, enjoying the soft sounds of the ocean from outside. Without his sight, Beckett was primarily concerned with sound, so he made sure windows were left open so he could hear things he couldn’t see. He was at his most calm when outside, listening to cicadas and birds during the early evening. You agreed that it was less stressful than the sounds of people, and less dull than the readings of documents.

          Though you had learned, while reading, to block out the voices around you, you had a harder time ignoring your own thoughts. Lately, they had plagued you with nothing but worry and guilt. You’d been staying with Beckett for weeks with no knowledge of what was happening in the outside world. Sure, you could read the latest news from London and women’s fashion, but you wanted to know about your world. You wanted to know about piracy.

          Every time you thought about it, a pang of guilt shot through your chest. You were living a life of luxury with Beckett to provide for you, the exact same luxury you’d so hated before. This sort of wealth went against your moral code. No one person should control so much, especially if they were controlling human lives in the process, one of the many things Beckett did on a daily basis. You worried that you were changing into a new person, somebody you shouldn’t be. You were getting accustomed to living with the enemy.

          The enemy. Exactly what Beckett was, really. It hurt you to think so. You’d grown close with him- too close- and every minute with him drove you to insanity. You couldn’t decide if it was bad of you to love a person you knew was the enemy of your lifestyle. He was your opposite, and you’d been taught to hate his kind from a young age, but you found that his treatment of you was far better than most people’s. You were afraid of what this meant. If it meant giving up your old self, you weren’t sure you could stay, no matter how much you wanted to.

          In truth, you were afraid of how close you were to him.

          Evening came, and the servants were dismissed. You hadn’t been paying attention to the time, distracted with reading. Dinner came and went, and it came time to retire to your rooms. The house was strangely quiet with nobody but the two of you, and it felt entirely too big.

          You took Beckett back to his room, unsure of what to do next. With no servants to help him, you weren’t sure he could do everything himself. You were a bit nervous about leaving him alone; he had a tendency to try doing things he shouldn’t, and you were afraid he would hurt himself. He was too stubborn to admit he needed help with things, so you weren’t sure if you should bother asking him if he wanted you to stay.

          As if to prove your point, he fumbled with the buttons of his waistcoat, unsuccessfully struggling to rid himself of it. You pushed his hands aside, unbuttoning it yourself. He protested slightly, but you undid the waistcoat and set it on a chair.

          “I can do that myself, you know,” he grumbled.

          “I know you can, but I can help you. For convenience’s sake.”

          “I have to be allowed to do something myself.”

          You sighed. “I know it makes you feel better to do things yourself. I just want to help you. You’re taking care of me here, and I want to care for you in return.” So saying, you pulled at the ties on his undershirt, letting the top hang open.

          “You’re rather eager to undress me, aren’t you?” A smirk played across his lips. “Shouldn’t you at least be taking your time with me?”

          “Oh, I don’t know.” You had your fingers tucked around the bottom of his shirt, tugging it upwards to get it over his head.

          Beckett’s fingers closed around your wrists, keeping your hands in place. You were startled by the quickness of his movements. He stared uncomfortably at the floor, lips pursed. You hadn’t thought he would mind your helping him, but his face said otherwise. You found yourself feeling a little hurt.

          “I can do the rest myself,” he whispered.

          “I’m sorry.” You didn’t quite understand his reluctance. He’d just been flirting with you the moment before, even though you’d meant the act as being nothing but helpful. “I hope I didn’t overstep anything.”

          “No, no,” he assured you. “I would just rather you not see.”

          “See what?” You were thoroughly confused. You’d taken off his shirt before, in the lighthouse, to apply salve to his burns. It was nothing you hadn’t seen before.

          “The burns. The scars. The obvious signs of age and the… eating habits of the upper class.” He continued to stare at the floor, as if he would see disappointment or horror on your face if he looked. As if he already could.

          “Cutler.” You spoke softly, but he flinched as if you’d hit him. “I’ve seen it all before. There’s nothing for you to be embarrassed about.”

          “I was unconscious then, so I didn’t have to deal with your reaction. I admit, I care about your opinion of me too much now.”

          His admission took you by surprise. “You don’t think I’m judging you, do you?”

          “Everyone else has.”

          “Well, I’m not everyone else.” You cupped his cheek, running your thumb across it lightly, tracing over his scars. You pressed a kiss to his cheek, pausing to whisper his name. “It’s been a long time since anyone’s said it, hasn’t it?”

          He hummed his agreement. “It sounds sweeter on your tongue than it ever did on anyone else’s.”

          You blushed a little. He still got to you, sometimes. Most of the time, actually, but you’d never admit it. “Do you trust me?”

          He hesitated. “Yes.”

          You slipped a hand under his shirt, lightly tracing over his chest and stomach. He stiffened, and his breath hitched, making you smile. “Have you let someone do this to you before?”

          “I was considerably younger.” One of his hands came to rest in your hair, his fingers tangled in it.

          When you finally lifted his shirt over his head, he gasped faintly, just enough for you to hear. He crossed his arms over his chest in what you guessed was an attempt to hide himself.

          “Don’t be afraid of me,” you whispered. You rested your hands on his chest as his arms fell to his sides. You stared for a moment at the burns covering his body before you kissed him. He let you do so eagerly, returning the kiss with a searing one of his own.

          You both pulled away a moment later, and his hands came to rest on your waist. “Are you sure you want this?” He sounded more vulnerable and unsure than you’d ever heard him.

          “I make it a point not to do things I don’t want to. As it stands, you have all my attention.”

          “Oh.”

          Suddenly, you came together again, your mouths hungry for one another. He pulled you close, fingers pressing firmly into your sides, holding you in place. You smiled into your kisses; if he liked anything, he liked control.

          He kissed you desperately, his body pressed flush against yours. The sensation was both overwhelming and delightful. You let your hands wander to his back, feeling his scars there. Your fingers found thin scars among them, clearly caused by something other than his burns.

          “What happened?” you whispered between kisses, your fingers tracing the scar.

          “Pirates.” Beckett took a shaky breath. “I was eighteen. My ship was taken by a pirate, and he had no trouble bestowing his gifts,” he said bitterly.

          Things began to make sense. No wonder Beckett hated pirates so much. “I’m so sorry.”

          “It’s not your doing.” And, as if reading your mind, he added, “I don’t hate you for who you are. I know you’re still a pirate at heart. But you’ve shown me the most tenderness I’ve ever known.”

          “I hope to continue doing so,” you answered. You lightly traced his burns with a finger. “You should get some sleep.”

          “I suppose.” He made no move towards the bed, instead preferring to let your fingers wander over his skin. “Will you join me?”           Too embarrassed to answer, you stood trying to form words that you couldn’t quite find. You knew your face must be burning red.

          “I only mean to sleep.”

          You gave an inward sigh of relief. Kissing him had been enough excitement for the evening. You weren’t sure you should do too many firsts at once. You agreed to stay, helping him to the bed and climbing in next to him. The experience was new to you, and you were unsure of what to do. Thankfully, Beckett answered your question by wrapping an arm around you when you laid down, pulling you closer to him. Your back was pressed against his chest. You considered, briefly, how indecent it was to wear nothing but a silk robe while in bed with him, but you ignored the intrusive thoughts, instead focusing on his arm around you.

          “Sleep,” he mumbled.

          You did, drifting off comfortably with Beckett next to you.

          Sunlight filtered through the curtains when you woke, and you turned over to find Beckett still asleep against you. He rubbed his eyes as you rolled over, letting go of your waist. You stretched out on the bed, then turned your attention to your bedmate. Beckett sat up sleepily, his short hair sticking up from his head. Yours wasn’t any better, you knew, but you laughed all the same.

          “And I’m sure your hair is perfectly styled,” he said after you explained your amusement.

          “I’m sure mine’s a mess. Worse than yours, because it’s longer.”

          “Shame I can’t see it. I suppose I could feel it, if I liked.” His fingers curled into your hair, and he tugged you forward suddenly, kissing you. You could feel his smirk against your lips.

          “You’re wicked,” you breathed.

          “So I’ve been told.” He pushed himself up to sit beside you and groped around his bedside table. “I don’t suppose you can see where my nightshirt went to.”

          You rolled out of bed, snatching the shirt up from off the floor where you’d left it. You handed it to Beckett, who pulled it over his head, and you sat on the edge of the bed. “Should we go to breakfast? The servants will be back by now.” You were starving, having only picked at your dinner the night before. Then, in a more panicked tone, “should I leave before they find us together like this? They might think….”

          “Oh, bugger what they think. And what of it? You’re no lady, no socially important woman. There would be no scandal anyway.”

          “I am a pirate. A few of them know that, anyway.”

          “All the better.” He stretched and patted the sheets next to him. “I don’t have to meet anyone until later this morning. Come back to bed for a while longer.”

          You slid back under the sheets. You remained sitting, but found that the covers kept your legs warm while you were in your robe. Beckett’s hand found yours, intertwining your fingers. His hands were warm, and he rubbed little circles into the back of your hand with a thumb.

          “Do you like it here?” He asked softly.

          You hesitated. Of course you did, but your thoughts wouldn’t leave you. Somehow, this was wrong, no matter how much you enjoyed Beckett’s company. “I do,” you answered after a moment.

          Beckett frowned. “Something’s bothering you.” He swallowed. “You can always tell me if my affection is uncomfortable.”

          You almost rolled your eyes. Wasn’t I the one who took off his shirt? “It’s not you,” you assured him. “I just….miss my old life. I feel like I’m betraying it, somehow.”

          “Listen to me.” He cupped your cheek, turning your face to look him in his milky eyes. “You owe that part of your life nothing. You’re allowed to grow, and change, and do new things. The old part of you doesn’t have to die for you to add more to yourself. You can be the same person you’ve always been, and you can have new things, too. You aren’t defined by one thing, and you can’t be blamed for staying with me. Why turn away comfort and security? It costs you nothing. I’m not asking for anything in return, so why leave? Nobody would blame you. You’re not doing the wrong thing.”

          “It goes against everything I’ve ever known,” you admitted.

          “Then learn something new. Learn that you aren’t betraying yourself by choosing a new path. And you don’t have to stay here, if you don’t wish to.”

          “If I left, I’d be leaving you behind.”

          “Yes. I’d rather you stay, of course.” Then, softly, “I do love you.”

          You pulled him closer, giving him a light kiss. “I know. Don’t think I would have stayed here so long if I didn’t love you in return.”

          His eyes went wide, and you couldn’t help finding his surprise to be adorable. “Oh.”

          “Have I not made it obvious?”

          “I didn’t want to assume.” A smile lit up his face. “You won’t mind staying in our current arrangement, then?”

          “I’d like nothing better.”

          You’d found a good life for yourself with him, you realized. Strange, but good.

[a-very-fond-farewell]

The forbidden crack! Untamed prompts: 18/?

University AU: “Negative Space”

[ok so, self projection is a bitch, but I am petty to myself on a regular basis so it’s ok]

[title is from the Japanese concept “ma”, which Wikipedia describes as:

“a Japanese word which can be roughly translated as ‘gap’, ‘space’, ‘pause’ or ‘the space between two structural parts.’ In traditional Japanese arts and culture, ma is more carefully defined as the suggestion of an interval. It is best described as a consciousness of a sense of place, with the ‘intervals’ suggested often being more than simple gaps, instead focusing on the intention of a negative space in an art piece.

Ma is not necessarily an art concept created by compositional elements, such as the literal existence of a negative space. Instead, the intention is often to create the perception of an interval in the viewer experiencing the elements forming an art piece, making maless reliant on the existence of a gap, and more closely related to the perceived experience of a gap.

Ma has also been described as ‘an emptiness full of possibilities, like a promise yet to be fulfilled’, and as ‘the silence between the notes which make the music’.”

Fun fact: “ma” also means “but” in Italian, which is what usually follows whatever intrusive thought may plague my mind. Eg: “I may be useless now, BUT just you wait until I get some dopamine to get me through this shitty times.”]

*

Wei Ying never asked for much in his life. He’s content with cleaning classrooms and toilets and nobody can beat him at wiping the marble floors if he works hard enough. Granny Wen, his supervisor, is slightly impressed with his ability to make the wood shine for ages to come. His nephew Jin Ling sometimes comes to check on him when he’s done with senior classes or cram school in the evening, and together they sit down and listen to whatever his older friends in music production came up with during the day. Jiang Cheng occasionally would ask him to keep him company while he grades papers and they bitch about ZiXuan and his inability to dote on their sister. The cafeteria ladies are always nice to him and they give him extra congee because they worry for his questionable consumption of spice products.

He’s fine, really.

So why can’t he stop wandering over to the science building these days? Looking for a clean board to use, for an equation to finally solve? Even if in the end he just takes the chalk in hand and simply stares down at the inky surface in front of him, unable to write. His mind working on a software too advanced for the hardware that constitutes his brain.

Thirteen years. It has been already thirteen years and yet it feels like yesterday, or like it never happened at all. Like it has yet to be. Time blindness is a bitch to deal with, yet dyscalculia and ADHD makes a joke out of you when you love math on a visceral level... but you burned too bright too fast and now you function on no data and with an even shittier signal. Having a burnout at 23 should have taught him humility instead of pride, but Wei Ying has always worked out of spite and certain habits are difficult to forget.

Couldn’t put the number in the right order, switching digits left and right since he was young? Fine. Numbers were concepts anyway, entire civilizations working their magic without even knowing what “zero” stood for. A brain steaming with a million ideas per second? Good. New connections brimming with ideas he could use to better the world.

It worked fine until he let himself down. Until he became a useless empty lighter, a wet match tossed out, carbon monoxide in the air.

Dropped out before finishing his very ambitious, highly dangerous for his psyche, thesis project. Aunt Yu never forgave him for that, not after paying for his advanced classes, not after trusting Uncle Jiang and supporting him despite his many flaws. What good is being first of your class every year, poster child of a teaching system done right, graduating bachelor at 21, if you can’t finish your master at 23 and get your PhD at 25 and start teaching by 27 and drive yourself insane in the process?

Wei Ying dropped out and didn’t finish his master, didn’t enroll in the teaching program, and let everyone down. His Uncle and Aunt looking down on him, whether out of pity or shame. Jiang Cheng may have been the one leaving him behind, but he used to be the one saying “you should have tried harder”. YanLi worrying over him when she should have focused on her career first. Jin Ling growing up with stories of his uncle “not being worth the money put into his education”, taught to not disappoint and make his family proud. The Jin side, that is.

And now the kid comes crawling in defeat to him instead of Jiang Cheng after bombing a test in high school. And they chat of what he would like to do and how much he likes sports and how much he despises the idea of getting a scholarship for that and being called stupid or something by his classmates. And he cries when he thinks Wei Ying cannot see him as he leaves the campus late at night.

Wei Ying didn’t even want to solve that impossible theorem he fixated on in his early twenties. His thesis project was inconsequential in the great scheme of things and his professor only wanted him to be his one trick pony in the end. No. Wei Ying wanted to teach math in elementary school, hell... even in kindergarten. He wanted to change the approach to the subject. Because numbers cannot be taught like language is and there are many ways to teach how to sum up digits and divide quantities and there are no rules on how to make sense of space either.

But how can he teach when even time eludes his senses?

Something that nobody can define, but certainly most perceive as linear... but not him. Not since his brain fried up in his attempt to function like a normal human being.

After thirteen years nothing has changed.

Until one day he hears something else aside from his usual intrusive thoughts and burdensome memories. A melody so quiet he almost mistakes it for the wind, coming from the music building.

He walks slowly, night surrounding him like the embrace of a friend as he makes his way to the traditional musical instruments room. The one where Jin Ling’s friends meet sometimes as they wait for the younger boy to join them. Wei Ying holds his breath as he spies through the gap of the door left ajar, neon light slicing his face like moonbeams as he peeks in and recognizes Jin Ling’s friends and another figure sitting on the ground, guqin on their knees.

But before he can lean in and breathe in the vibrant sounds all around, the door opens and music theory Professor Lan finds Wei Ying clutching his mop for dear life.

They said the man could see colors within the notes, that he despises language outside of his class or office and that only his brother, the history of art TA, could convince him to talk every now and then.

If numbers were created to measure space, Wei Ying firmly believed music had been invented to make sense of time and count its seconds in rhythm and notes, pauses and beats. Yet, time seems to stretch to a stop as the janitor focuses all of his attention on professor Lan’s stern face and his heart quickens its pace.

Wei Ying takes a rushed breath and dives right in with a weird sense of hope pumping in his veins. A small, timid voice whispering that life is not made to be atoned, but to move on and grow.

One step at a time.

“I’m Wei Ying, Professor Lan. May I listen while you play?”

Yes, maybe it will be enough just to let time flow at its pace.

Whatever rhythm that may be.

*

[some hcs down below]

WWX does not magically solve the math theorem. he may or may not help kids figure out how to use numbers on the long run tho. no, he will still work as a janitor and there’s nothing wrong with that.

yes, LWJ is autistic and stimms and finds WWX’s honesty soothing. yes, you can add your hcs on the matter. he has synesthesia, but more on the grapheme-color side of the deal than anything else and he sees certain letters/numbers/notes in different colors. people think he can see colors in music, but they misunderstood and thought he could recognize different hues while listening to music instead of reading it.

JC has grown since his uni years and doesn’t resent WWX anymore. he teaches astrophysics as a TA and doesn’t pressure his brother to pick his studies up anymore. WWX has mixed feelings about this: he feels he’s a lost cause, to the point not even his brother spurs him to best himself anymore, but he is grateful for the patience anyway.

LXC is the official LWJ translator of the campus along with their cousins SiZhui and JinGyi. he bonds with WWX and JC over how tired they are, seldom staring at flies roaming above them in the cafeteria bc none of them can even move. he lives on caffeine and regrets, but he’s getting better as he develops a love for his plant babies and tries to not let them die on a daily basis.

Wen Ning and Wen Qing are little overachievers and adrenaline junkies, hence their competitive streak on their way to their third master degree just for funsies. they scare people with how driven they are, but the juniors love them.

NMJ is the one to go to if you need to get away with murder, but JGY will actually be the one helping you dispose of the body. the fact that they both work in criminal law is somewhat both reassuring and disquieting. they hate each other and yet cannot stop hang out, they are close to 40 and need the rivalry to keep going anyway. nothing beats a good nemesis. not even sex. maybe.

NHS has failed his entrance exam to become a nurse too many times to count, but he is determined to see the end of it. even if he could potentially work in the family business, but he doesn’t know anything about managing an empire of bricks and he doesn’t care. if NMJ could run away, well, so can he.

MianMian is Wei Ying’s bestie and has the biggest crush on JGY’s sister A-Su the kindergarten teacher, but since they are childhood besties she doesn’t know how to approach her. she is Jin Ling’s idol and a certified boxer and refers to herself as a useless bisexual. Wei Ying boxes with her sometimes, she always win.

YanLi is an equestrian mum, but in the best way possible: she coaches children for shows and teaches them horses should be loved and feared equally and that if you want to shoot arrows from a running horse you should always, ALWAYS let go of the stirrups the moment the beast gets too unhinged to ride. JC fears her, WWX is only glad she didn’t train police dogs for a living.

ZiXuan actually loves his wife, but WWX and JC question his career choices and the fact that he’s a retired lawyer spending his family fortune while he’s a stay-at-home dad and does all the housework. WWX and JC believe he should give their sister a better life and work his ass off to deserve her, but he does make amazing rice cakes and keeps up with Jin Ling’s studies and is very supportive of his dreams.

A-Qing and Song Lan are siblings and sometimes bring JC food from the campus cafeteria where they both work at, while Xiao XingChen and his carer Xue Yang work with LXC for a project on accessibility for visually impaired visitors of the local museum. JC and LXC work to make Song Lan and Xiao XingChen fall for each other, but the youngsters are too protective to let them play matchmaker so easily.

[this is all for now. please, if you want, add your own headcanons!]

[torterrachampion]

30 days of Vanitas no Carte. Day #28

So, what is love? [In general or regarding the series.]

Man, you're really coming with hard questions now. We'll try and go with what I think the series is trying to say because I don't want to try and unpack what I think it is. Now, I'm not sure I can pass judgement on the characters' feelings but I'm certainly going to try. At the moment the series seems focused on romantic love within the group of Vanitas, Noé, Jeanne, Domi and Luca. I'm only going to address romantic love since that's what Noé's question to Vanitas was about. I ramble for so long and I'm not sure it's coherent so everything is under the cut.

For now let's look at why the various characters have feelings for each other.

Here's what we know:

Domi loves Noé (There's also mild undertones of her liking Jeanne too)

Jeanne loves Vanitas

Vanitas loves Jeanne

Luca loves Jeanne

Noé loves either Vanitas or Jeanne

Domi has liked Noé since they were children, since before Louis died. She also seems to have fallen for him pretty quick because of how young they looked when Noé first drank her blood. Part of why Domi came to love Noé would probably be because he's one of the few people outside her family she saw on a regular basis and probably one of the only non-aristocrats. Domi clearly had a hard upbringing, among her siblings she seems to be somewhat unimportant and her family apart from Louis don't seem very loving at all. Noé's one of the few people who can and will give her the affection she needs.

It also helps that Noé's a catch. She's right about all his good points when she explains them to Jeanne in chapter 45. Noé and Dominique would work well together but I don't think they stand a chance. Noé would have noticed Domi's feelings by now if he returned them and it makes a lot of sense that Vanitas was confused by them being just friends. Vanitas absolutely picked up on Domi's feelings towards Noé. These two have had multiple romantically/sexually coded moments but because Noé never comes across as particularly affected by them it always feels one-sided. Let me just say that it's bizarre that Noé hasn't caught on yet, we've seen with Vanitas that Noé is very emotionally intelligent and can analyse other people's moods pretty accurately. It could just be that he doesn't understand love though.

Anyway, assuming Domi has some feelings for Jeanne it seems like she has a tendency to fall for people who stick by her in any capacity. Jeanne immediately took a liking to Dominique and they became friends pretty fast. What I'm saying is that I think Domi's just a bit lonely and wants a romantic partner who genuinely likes her as a person.

On to Jeanne. She only started showing any interest in Vanitas once he started being nice to her. The first hints of it was on their date. Then, in Gévaudan, Vanitas didn't spend any of the arc messing with her. The only time he even tried was when he was flustered by Jeanne and didn't want to get out of his wet clothes. I think the most important turning point was when Vanitas promised to help Chloé though. Jeanne obviously has a lot of conflicting feelings about her role as a borreau and Vanitas provided her with a way to avoid killing someone she cares about. I think that was probably when Jeanne started to see his powers in possibly a similar light to how Noé viewed them in volumes 1 and 2. Also, Jeanne seems to find physical affection very important if her pushing Vanitas down for blood and her comments in the last chapter are anything to go off.

Now Vanitas. He was originally lying about loving Jeanne. His reaction to his love proves it, since he didn't seem at all concerned before these last few chapters. I think the weird relationship he created between himself and Jeanne in the first few volumes probably reflects some twisted understanding of love on his own part. Anyway, I'd say he fell for Jeannne after she fell for him. At the moment when she smiled at him (You know the smile) and he started to see her differently. I think this also put his other interactions with her into a new light for him. He started to actually realise what kind of person Jeanne is and that she's actually a lot more interesting than he first gave her credit for.

Luca's feelings for Jeanne seem like the most doomed feelings in the series. Jeanne obviously wants to protect him but she still sees him as a child. Luca doesn't seem to interact with many people, certainly no one his own age, and Jeanne is probably one of the few people who treats him kindly. Ruthven, despite being his uncle, seems fairly cold (he was plotting an assassination after all) and he probably doesn't see Loki that often. Essentially Luca is lonely and Jeanne is a kind, strong and beautiful woman. Who can blame him for getting attached to her?

Finally, Noé. The most confusing member of the cast. I'll be honest, to me he gives off the fewest romantic vibes out of all of them. And the fandom seems split on who he has feelings for. I have a preference but I'll consider both. Being clear, I would prefer if he were interested in Vanitas because I think it makes more sense narratively and I just like the ship. So let's address his relationship with Vani first.

If we're only taking into account interactions before chapter 12 I'll say that Noé doesn't have many reasons to like Vanitas. They were still kind of on rocky ground in their relationship. At that point in the story if he had romantic interest in Vanitas it would mostly boil down to two things as I see it: 1) A fascination with Vanitas as a person 2) Vanitas's blood. If you disagree feel free to tell me but honestly I can't imagine any deeper reasons to be interested in Vani at that point.

Beyond chapter 12 though Noé does have more reasons to care about Vanitas. Noé gets to understand Vanitas a lot better throughout the catacombs and Gévaudan and learns to rely on him. Vanitas has also grown fond of Noé (in a tsundere kind of way) and affection will make you like a person more. Besides that Noé has literally asked for Vani's blood, and while he was understandably a bit out of it, that's not a normal thing to ask from your human friend.

If Noé likes Jeanne then it's mostly based on physical appearance. Before chapter 12 Noé had never interacted 1 on 1 with Jeanne. He'd only ever fought her in volume 1 and been near her in volume 2. So, if Jeanne is the one he likes Noé just likes strong, beautiful women I guess. After chapter 12 the only time I can remember them interacting was when Jeanne threatened to kill him in Gévaudan. This at least shows Jeanne doesn't have much interest in him. But there is some evidence that Noé could like Jeanne and that is at least what Domi thinks.

So, what does all that mean? Well, I think Jun is definitely saying there needs to be some emotional vulnerability. All the characters fall in love with people they trust (possibly bar Noé???), this is particularly evident with Vani and Jeanne's progression after they started to open up more. But if emotional availability was all you needed Domi and Noé would be a couple.

The characters fall in love if the other person has something they desire and this is where the one-sidedness of some of the relationships comes in. Domi and Luca desire Noé and Jeanne respectively but they don't possess anything that those two desire in return. A big thing for a lot of the characters seems to be physical attractiveness. In the only reciprocal relationship between Vani and Jeanne they both obviously find the person physically attractive. Jeanne has made her feelings very clear in recent chapters.

So I guess it's slightly different for every character. Some would need more or less attention, physically or emotionally, and for things to work out it would probably have to match up with what their partner needs from a relationship. It was easy to write based on stuff that’s clear in the text but interpreting what it means for the themes of the story is so hard and I can’t explain myself very well. Let's just say I don't know where Jun is taking this story but she's concocted a hell of a complicated love triangle. And yes, I am exposing myself as a vanoe and domijeanne shipper.

[christinefoley]

How To Manage Time and Work Like A Boss

I’ve been a teacher for nearly thirty years now, and so I should be red hot at knowing how to manage time. After all, the average classroom teacher regularly has so many plates spinning on a daily basis that every limb is a whirling blur in perpetual motion. Experience has taught me that allowing even one plate to go gyrating off its axis can bring chaos and catastrophe for the whole delicately balanced collection.

Blogging

But this blogging malarkey- well, that’s different. And I’m finding the whole issue of time management more challenging than I’d anticipated, to be completely honest. I mean, thinking about the whole idea of becoming a blogger was…well- just fantastic, really. I love writing, and blogging means that I can write about stuff that really interests me, and never again have to write about things that just don’t.

Primary School Teacher

To clarify what I’m talking about, you may not know this, but the average primary school classroom teacher is obliged to take an interest in such mind-numbing subjects as: rocks and soils, units of measure ( both metric and imperial), adverbial phrases and subordinating and coordinating conjunctions. Admit it- you’re bored already! Imagine having to feign interest in that lot- and a whole host of even more boring topics besides- for nearly thirty years! I don’t know how I’ve done it!

Working From Home

So, what I thought was: become a blogger: write about interesting things, things that get my fingers positively sparking over the laptop key board: it’ll be great! Hey- and you get to do it from home, and manage your own time! Goodbye M6! Goodbye difficult parents! Ta-ta to staff meetings and professional development and tedious meetings about assessment. No more report writing- hurray!!

This will be the new pattern of my Week

Monday morning: awakened at 7am by the alarm- no more 6:30 for me anymore! Up, dressed, breakfast and ready at my laptop to report for writing duty by 8:30 am at the latest.

Straight into writing/ preparing next blog post.

Timetable

9:30 am: take first break: wee, coffee, throw the ball for the dog in the garden for around 20 minutes, then back to the keyboard to work steadily through until lunch at around 12:00.

12:00 healthy lunch put together: salad, hummus, green stuff- that sort of thing- and eaten before 1pm before returning to the laptop for another hour’s work. That hour will be spent emailing, and suchlike.

FREE TIME!

2pm-5:00 FREE TIME! Wow! The whole afternoon off!!

Obviously ,this precious time will not be frittered away on any kind of pointless activities: no, it will be utilised for exercise, dog-walking and attending classes that I’ve really wanted to attend but have always been otherwise occupied teaching PE, the Egyptians or subordinate clauses or suchlike. No, now I will spend my afternoons attending French conversation sessions, singing, creative writing workshops and book clubs. I may even join a hiking club and enjoy hiking in the nearby Lake District.

5pm: teatime. Evenings will be spent working on my blog business- no more than an hour or so- and then I’ll actually go out: live music, pubs, the theatre, meals out- whatever I want, because there are no lessons to plan for the next day- and certainly no marking. Fantastic!!

Manage Time?

It’ll be a joy! No more telling myself I’ll do an hour’s marking, then I’ll fill in those assessment tables and then I’ll spend another hour and half preparing tomorrow’s lessons, before……..NO MORE, No more for me!

So, you’re asking, has it worked out like that?

Well, the fact is that I’m still teaching at the moment, so haven’t had the chance to try out this new lifestyle which I have planned out for myself just yet; but I’m having this creeping suspicion that I’m not going to be able to live that life exactly to plan.

Deadlines

Why not? Well, I guess I kind of like deadlines- I am programmed to respond to them anyway. I was always that one who started working on my essays well before the deadline at university, so that I had plenty of time. I was never the last minute panic type-no, I kind of used the whole two weeks preparation time to get pages of notes together and then panic over the last few days about how I was going to create anything of any value out of all that stuff.

Being My Own Boss

What worries me now, is that, as a blogger, working on my own blog, I am going to have to impose my own deadlines, and I’m not convinced that I’ll be all that good at it. It’s that thing about being my own boss- in one way, it’s what we dream of, but in another way it’s kind of scary. I mean, when you’re at work and things go tits up, the boss is ultimately the one who has to take it on the chin- not you. But if you are your own boss, and things don’t go right- well……it’s all your fault.

How To Manage Time and Work Like A Boss

So, before I cut the umbilical cord of a regular job and life pattern, I’ve been researching some hints and tips from the experts about time management- I’m in my note-taking preparation stage.

Find Your Most Productive Hours

Now, there’s a great idea! Work out when you are generally at your most productive and schedule most of your heavy lifting tasks for those times. A  first rate tip for time management- after all, how many people have you heard declare themselves a ‘night owl’ or ‘an early bird’? Loads, right?

Night Owl, or Early Bird?

So obviously that got me to thinking about myself: am I a night owl, or an early bird? A night owl, probably, because I’m used to working in the evenings after school. OK, so save all the deep-thinking stuff for the evenings. Yes…..possible, I guess.

Write a to-do List the Night Before

Undeniably a top idea! Apparently, only takes about five minutes and it means that the next day you can hit the ground running without any fiddling about. Hmmm, so- five minutes before bedtime…just a quick list…

You know what that would mean for me? Five minutes writing, followed by 45 minutes lying awake thinking it all through. Sleep well and up at 7:00 am to hit the ground running? Not on your nelly.

Back to the drawing board…next tip for how to manage time, please?

Start on the Most Critical Task First

Yes….now, that’s good….I get that. Get the thing that’s bothering you most out of the way first thing and you’re bound to feel better about yourself and what you can achieve.

Now that makes perfect sense! Thing is….that’s just not me. No, better for me to get a few little things ticked off my list first to get me stoked up with enough confidence to bring out the big guns and get cracking on those tasks that are going to CHANGE MY LIFE.

Sit down at my laptop and hit myself straight between the eyes with something that scares the pants off me and has probably kept me awake ever since I wrote it down on that to-do list the night before? That just ain’t happening.

Next hint, please….

The Eisenhower Matrix

What d’you mean- you’ve never heard of it? Well, I’m not a fan of tables, because they bring out all my twitches, but this one makes perfect sense- you may want to look it up. In essence, the idea is that you write down all the tasks you need to do- in one, long, terrifying list- then you categorise all the tasks. If it’s urgent, mark it ‘U’, if it’s important, mark it ‘I’, and if it’s neither of those, then cross it out.

Still following me?

Next, you evaluate how much time each of the remaining tasks on your list is likely to take and arrange a plan for yourself. Now, I must admit, I’m liking this idea of time management…especially the stuff that you can cross off the list altogether. The aim is to identify your genuine priorities: which tasks on your list are going to get you to achieve your objective the most quickly, and which, simply, are not.

Like it. Yes, this is one for me! Next tip, please…..

Use Time Constraints- Set a Timer

This tip to help you to manage your time advises using a timer to set time to achieve certain tasks, as the task will inevitably expand if there is an unrestrained time in which to do it. The idea is to beat the timer- complete the task in even less time than that which you allocated!

Hmm. Have I not escaped the 5-9 to escape exactly that- time constraints? The school timetable is gone, so I devise one of my own? Not sure I want to do that to myself, although I do understand the benefits of this time management idea, and every task does undoubtedly expand if there are no constraints in terms of time.

Hmm… I need to think this one through…….and while I’m thinking about it I might just make another cup of coffee and put a load of washing on…maybe iron those few shirts? Watch a bit of TV?

No, Christine, you’re talking about being productive, remember? Now, sit down and just get on with it.  

Next hint to ace time management, please.

No Distractions

No browsing your ‘phone, checking through emails, doing odd bits of housework. Now I have struggled with this trick of how to manage time, but have actually had a breakthrough in recent weeks.

What has worked for me, is to go out of the house- no dog wanting to play, no endless possibilities for making coffee and no housework-style responsibilities. The other benefit of being out of the house-for me- is no silence.

Silence

I’m not very happy with silence- it makes me a bit edgy. Never been very productive working in libraries and such places. However, it’s no good putting on music either, because then I start listening to that instead of concentrating on the job in hand.

Coffee Shops

I’ve found that coffee shops are my perfect place for productivity. Not only is there the gorgeous aroma of freshly-ground coffee beans wafting up my nose, but there’s just the right kind of background noise- neither too loud nor too silent to distract me. Obviously, a great cup of cappuccino also enhances the whole experience.

If you would like to learn more about how to manage time, and tips that you could use to improve your own productivity, then take a look at this excellent article by Dan Silvestre: ’23 Time Management Techniques of Insanely Busy People.’

[jswdmb1]

24 Frames

“You thought God was an architect, now you know

He's something like a pipe bomb ready to blow

And everything you built that's all for show 

goes up in flames - in twenty- four frames”

- Jason Isbell

This may come as a shock, especially to those who know me well, but I can be very stubborn. Sometimes this can work into my favor as it helps bolster confidence when I take a difficult position that I know is right, or it can help me persist when odds are long such as starting a new business.  But this often is a character trait that I know can hold me back.  In particular, I bristle at things I am told that I “should” do even when it clearly would be in my best interest to do whatever is being suggested.  It usually takes someone equally stubborn to get me to move off of my position, but this did happen recently.

My wife is always on me to watch various different television programs, but I always balk.  I watch some TV but is it well documented (on this blog) that it is pretty much limited to PBS and reruns of old game shows and sitcoms.  I don’t like to leave that comfort zone, and it takes a lot for me to try out a new show – especially one that is episodic that expects you to come back week-after-week. I know that means I miss out on a lot of good stuff, but I’m okay with that as it allows me to keep my time on the tube under control and I don’t get more involved with something than I really want to be.  But on this one particular show, she was quite persistent, and I was challenged to at least give it a try.

The show is Schitt’s Creek, and I am sure you have heard of it if you do not already know it well. If you haven’t seen it, do not worry, as I will not be disclosing too much about the program.  Even if you have heard a lot about it and feel you know the story, part of the charm of the show is watching the characters develop throughout the series, so plot turns and the such are not as important as in some other episodic series.  The basic plot is that an extremely wealthy family of four, including two adult children, are forced to move to a small town when they lose everything overnight due to a business manager not paying taxes.  The series starts with the scene of revenue agents raiding their mansion as the family frantically collects a few belongings, so no time is spent on their past life.  Every moment from the first scene is spent on their life afterwards which involves living somewhere in the middle of nowhere with a bunch of regular folks.  It sounds like a typical fish-out-of-water setting (think the second Bob Newhart show for the closest example), and that is certainly mined for plenty of laughs, but it quickly becomes clear that the show is about much more than this.

That is all you are going to get from me about the actual show, because no more details are relevant to the rest of this post.  Except that the acting in this show is brilliant and worth watching for that alone.  The father and mother are played by Eugene Levy and Catherine O’Hara, both of whom I have been watching for decades in their various film roles and on the hilarious SCTV program.  The chemistry between the two is so natural and genuine that you quickly adopt them as Johnny and Moira Rose and forget their 40+ years in show business as other characters.  The children played by Levy’s son Dan and Annie Murphy are equally good and get a lot of the laughs as their clear lack of reality in their past lives plays to insane results when applied to the real world of the town of Schitt’s Creek.  The supporting cast is not just a bunch of wacky neighbors but add much depth to the show and develop themselves over the course of the series, especially the character of Stevie played by Emily Hampshire. The character of Roland Schitt, played by Chris Elliot, may be the best second banana on television since Cosmo Kramer. Again, none of this gives away much if anything about the show or the various plot arcs, but it should give you extra motivation to watch as talent like this collecting in one place is rare indeed.

And why exactly am I so intent on you watching this show?  While the quality of the program and the enjoyment it will provide you is enough reason to dive in, I have discovered a much greater purpose to following the evolving journey of the Roses.  Even though the show was created over five years ago, and largely wrapped production on its sixth season before 2020, it has become for me the perfect allegory for the United States right now.  Our country is going through the same experience that the Roses went through much of the first two seasons.  After the sudden event of COVID-19, we found ourselves much in a place like Schitt’s Creek. Over seven months into this pandemic, we are still stuck in what life was like before and when will it ever return. I do not think this is much of a spoiler alert for anyone who is rational, but how the way things were is never coming back.  COVID-19 has wreaked havoc on our society, and we like to blame it for all of our current problems, but it simply laid bare all of our faults and weaknesses almost overnight.  We are now no longer able to push those existential problems aside and have to face them head on. Many of us are not up for the challenge and would like something to change things back overnight, but that is not happening.  It doesn’t matter if there is a vaccine, or a new president, we have to face that we collectively lived lives that were not grounded in reality and our fates hung delicately in the balance just waiting for something like COVID-19 to come and bring it crashing down.  Just like the Roses lost everything in one quick raid, we now find ourselves building our lives all over again in a strange place where we are very uncomfortable.

Now I know that is difficult to hear and very depressing, but here comes the good part.  Just because things have changed does not necessarily mean that we can’t grow and develop into something even better than we had before. Obviously, a deadly disease like COVID-19 is not something we ever wanted, and it has brought countless suffering and death to too many people, but it does provide for a starting point to helping us grow beyond some of the shallower lives we lead previously.  It may take a lot of tough love, but we will eventually get the virus under control and the big question will be what is next.  For me, there needs to be an evolution past wherever we were before this all went down. I think our guide can be the Rose family in Schitt’s Creek.  The a-ha moment for me came at the end of season two titled “Happy Anniversary”.  I will disclose nothing more about it other than to say it was a transformative episode not only for the Roses, but for my own outlook on things as we move into what will be a very dark winter.  

If you are a watcher of the series, some of this may make more sense to you, but I think even you could benefit from another viewing to see if you can apply some of this to your own life as well.  I am actually only through Season 3 so far (I know enough about what lies ahead to be able to write this post, but it hasn’t ruined a thing for me), but I am already making plans for starting over to pick up things I missed the first time around. And it is important that you start in the beginning and move through the episodes sequentially.  Not so much because you will lose the story, as many of the stories are self-contained within an episode, but because you will miss out on the character development along the way (again, kudos to the actors and actresses in this show who so brilliantly developed these characters). I know this is playing it up quite a bit but trust this one-time reluctant viewer to be assured that your time is going to be well spent.

This many come off as a review, but it really is not.  I mean, if I were a reviewer, I would include some of the above in my story (and end with four stars or whatever the highest rating is), but this has become so much more for me.  It has served as a life-saving antidote to the poison spewed in traditional media and social media that makes me nauseous on a daily basis.  I find myself occasionally daydreaming about a funny scene I saw, or a subtle profound moment in the show, which has replaced some of the constant worry about the pandemic, or economy, or the election, all of which have a life-or-death feeling to them.  It has proven to be a rare new tool in my arsenal against anxiety and it will end up being one of my lasting memories of 2020.  That is a lot to say for one show about a year as particularly disastrous as this one, but I sincerely believe that.  

So, don’t be like me and be stubborn if you haven’t seen this show.  As soon as you read my last sentence, get yourself on Netflix and start watching with Season 1, Episode 1.  And make sure you don’t have anywhere to be tomorrow because the one negative is that it will be hard to stop once you get started.  But I think it is okay right now to binge on something that is finally showing us that there is a way to succeed in life without putting others down or placing selfish pursuits over relationships.  So, dig in and enjoy and I promise that I have learned one other thing throughout this experience – keep an open mind.  Because when you keep your mind closed, you shut out a world of possibilities, even when that world seems to have none.  

Enjoy,

Jim

[margaeryrtyrell]

Seo tips  for websites

Professionals Share the Most Efficient Search Engine Optimization Tips to Drive Website Traffic to Your Web site [Professional Roundup]

If you have a site, the concept is for individuals to visit it. A site s traffic shows just how well a service is doing online. It is likewise a sign of consumer habits, and also will assist you formulate an advertising strategy that will get you a far better position in the internet search engine outcomes.  The basic idea of SEO optimization is obtaining extra website traffic to the site. But with 1.24 billion websites on the planet, just how do you guarantee that your web site gets great web traffic?  Right here are my top seven Search Engine Optimization ideas that will certainly help drive traffic to your site:  

7 SEO Tips to Drive Traffic

 Key words: In many searches, at least 50% of people make use of 4 words or more. This indicates that simply keyword phrases are not important. You require long-tail keyword phrases that are specific to the search.  When it concerns broad key phrases, there is difficult competitors available which implies that you require to provide something even more to stick out amongst the group. A long-tail keyword is very important to ensure that individuals get specific results of what they are searching for.   Top Quality Content: In this affordable world, there are lots of people that write on the very same subject. What should you do various to obtain noted at the top of the search listings? The response is composing great, well-researched content.  The material on your website must likewise vary to prevent any kind of inner competitors amongst websites for online search engine listings. You need to arrange your site in manner in which when individuals look for something particular, all associated info is quickly accessible. Also ensure that your material is on a regular basis upgraded as internet search engine frequently check for updates to supply the most effective outcome to its customers. Composing great material can improve up your web traffic and eventually impacts your SEO.  Meta Description as well as Title Tags: Title tags are similar to a book title. This is the clickable link that appears on online search engine result pages. If we take Google s instance, a perfect title tag should be much less than 60 characters.  A meta description is what appears below the title in internet search engine results. This is what produces the first impression on a user, and believe me, first impressions issue. If you have a great as well as concise meta summary, there s a better opportunity of people visiting your websites and additionally good for SEO.  Enhance Pictures: Pictures are what include shade to a websites as well as make it less dull. I can t also think about a websites with pictures. For a far better online search engine listing, make certain that you optimize the pictures by adding descriptions, alt tags, and also titles. Its valuable for your site Search Engine Optimization initiatives.  An internet search engine can t recognize an image s web content. It is the text with a picture that aids them rate exactly how appropriate a page is. For this, use initial, ideally sized, top quality pictures.  Backlinks: For a search engine, back links are a recommendation of a website. A visitor blog site on another website that connects back to your own will certainly drive web traffic to your internet site.  Obtaining a listing in on-line directory sites will additionally drive traffic to your website. The summary of your company in a e-directory will have a web link to your site. Make sure you constantly upgrade your info in these directory sites to produce web traffic and also enhance your Search Engine Optimization position.  SSL Certificates: For an online search engine, an SSL accreditation is essential. What an SSL certificate primarily does is it alters your web site s http:// to https:// that makes it extra trustworthy as well as safeguarded. If you want an internet search engine to trust you, a SSL certification is a must.  Mobile Kindness: According to Google, there are more mobile searches than on desktop computers in 10 nations consisting of Japan and also the US. In order to take advantage of this growing pattern, your web site requires to be mobile friendly.  Obviously, apart from these fundamental SEO suggestions, there are numerous various other ways that SEO can help drive website traffic to your site. Listed below, 91 SEO professionals share their finest SEO suggestions for web traffic generation.

Radomir Basta - 4 Dots

There are lots of points you can do around to accomplish this, yet I ll distinguish a number of foundational actions or seo pointers to take, to start driving more major traffic from online search engine queries.  To start with, make your internet site as technically polished as feasible.  People in some cases just maximize their web site on the surface, however stop working to dig much deeper as well as minify code, enhance the web server, relocate javascript to the footer, eliminate unneeded tracking scripts no one is making use of and so forth.  These tweaks, when built up, will create a significantly far better individual experience in regards to page tons rate, and also this is a straight signal for enhanced internet search engine rankings. After all, your final goal as an internet site owner is to make users feel comfy when browsing through your web pages, and so is Google s.  Along with this, I still can t imagine a full SEO project without deploying an appropriate web link building method combined with PR/branding efforts.  Publish outstanding and also pertinent resources on your sites, promote them both via social media sites projects and hand-operated outreach initiatives, and also it will work wonders for both the page you are aiming to enhance as well as the site authority in general.  Visitor posting is still the very best seo service for boosted brand awareness as well as well-targeted back links. Just focus on websites with a pertinent audience and also you ll be great.  Ultimately, producing touchdown web pages for all appropriate subjects with website traffic capacity ought to enhance the web site s keyword reach, and place it for new as well as potentially better converting keyword variations that vary across markets, areas, language and also social obstacles, expert occupancies or topical savviness.

Phil Rozek - Regional Visibility System, LLC

The create terrific web content and make excellent web links recommendations has been covered enough in the meantime, including by me. So my finest piece of less-obvious Search Engine Optimization guidance is: either specialize in a slim specific niche, or start supplying a truly unknown service (or item or widget). The weirder as well as even more specific niche, the far better.  If you re the only company, or only regional one, or the very first one, you can grab some very easy rankings, website traffic that contains individuals with a particular as well as prompt requirement, and often even a couple of simple links. Also, some individuals will come for the strange little solution as well as remain for the more-mainstream service( s) you supply?? for which your positions as well as exposure perhaps aren t so great. Go a little off the beaten path.

Eric Siu - Single Grain

There is so much material on SEO available, and it can really feel challenging to start an optimization overhaul. I concentrate on ideas or methods that are effective AND make the very best use resources, including the material you currently have. Right here goes:.  Update your existing material?? Existing material already has authority as well as a well established readership. So instead of composing something totally from scratch, discover a blog post already doing well, rejuvenate it with updated info, add visuals, as well as depend on existing signals to make it rate for terms.  Improve interaction to enhance positions. Take your existing web content and also make it a lot more readable?? separate any kind of huge blocks of message, splitting material up with headers, bullet points.  Concentrate on subjects as opposed to key words?? Google formula updates now allow the online search engine to identify intent as opposed to count solely on the actual key words. So while keyword research study is still very essential, concentrate on what customers are looking for as opposed to different methods to phrase a search query to increase up your SEO.   Develop backlinks?? Made backlinks?? via top quality material, outreach and also influencer advertising and marketing?? are still incredibly effective. As well as try to find guest uploading chances on reputable sites. We developed our domain name authority on guest messages from excellent websites like Entrepreneur, Hubspot, Forbes, and also more. While both back links and guest posts will take some manual outreach as well as tenacity, they re big for your brand name acknowledgment and Search Engine Optimization.  Reporting and also analytics suggestions?? The numbers put on t lie so measure what s functioning and also what s not as well as always remain to iterate.

Anna Lebedeva - SEMrush

Search Engine Optimization is an ever-changing idea. So to talk about search engine optimization, you really have to see what s going on with Google as well as its formulas. If we utilized to speak about keyword phrases, alt tags, LINK framework and also link-building?? I put on t wish to be deceptive, these things do still issue, a great deal?? material is now getting miraculous significance.  Material is king, we ve all heard it. Yet, material made use of to be vital because it was the way to position the best key words, to obtain backlinks and more. Yet, now when Google is all about search intent as well as bringing one of the most appropriate pages before the user, material becomes progressively vital to getting web traffic.  Besides, where does traffic come from? From individuals finding your content in much less time than your competitor s content. Which s when you need to enhance for # 1 or absolutely no setting. And also you just arrive if your content satisfies user s intent. That s how it functions. That s really completion factor of all SEO suggestions, techniques and also techniques.  So, I d state, rather than utilizing ideas and also plain techniques to maximize for online search engine, try to really get into the individual s head. What does he indicate by typing in fancy dining establishment for Valentine s Day. And also make certain your material addresses his/her needs. Individuals wear t requirement material for the sake of content, or for keyword phrases, or for backlinks, they require it for answers?? any kind of search inquiry is generally a question, even without the question words, so your actual task is to answer that concern.  So, the best Search Engine Optimization suggestion is a fundamental content optimization to respond to the inquiries your customers have, and also for that, you truly need to understand your target market as well as prepare for any concerns they require responses for. It s like an excellent old focus team strategy made use of in standard marketing?? prior to developing completion item, big companies purchase customer viewpoints and the needs they require to be covered.   Therefore, in addition to mere keyword/backlink research as well as on-site optimization, concentrate on discovering the questions your possible individuals require answers for. At SEMrush, we tried to accept this pattern by presenting rather an one-of-a-kind function for the SEO/content market?? we established a tool that really investigates the most prominent answers for the specific subject you are composing a piece of material on.

[quinlinkin]

take it from me ( i’d be lost without you ) ↳ Q’s twdg writing challenge

character(s): willy, mitch, ruby, aasim, louis, violet, omar, rosie, aj, tenn, clementine ship(s): aasim/ruby ( rusim ), clementine/violet ( violentine ) word count: 1462 author’s note: i mean, when aren’t we all in need of some pure, wholesome willy moments? takes place in the spring after the events of tfs ( in which everyone is alive bc to hell with canon sometimes amirite )

[   ao3 link   ]

*credits to the wonderful @stop-breaking-my-heart-telltale​​​​​​​​​ for creating this challenge! you can view the entire prompt list + further details here. happy writing!!

                                                         ― ☼ ―

                                          day thirteen ; hug.

It’s on an early, sunny spring day in which Willy declares a brand new, totally legitimate holiday.

National Hug Day. Well- Ericson Resident Hug Day, at the very least. He also realizes that he doesn’t actually know what the current date is, but he’s fairly certain Aasim does. He’ll be sure to not only ask him about it later, but request that he write down this new holiday so they can remember it every single year from now on.

The idea is promptly born as Willy sits upon the admin building’s front staircase, idly practicing the knife tricks that Mitch had taught him over the long winter months. Though his attention only remains focused on twirling the blade around between his fingertips for so long, and eventually, he finds himself looking out across the expanse of the courtyard.

Today is the first nice day they’ve had since the cold weather had finally begun to lessen. The sun is bright and warm, just enough for them to safely ditch their heavy winter gear in favor of lighter, more comfortable clothes. Louis isn’t wearing his trench coat anymore, the sleeves of his baseball tee rolled up past his elbows as he cleans arrows from their earlier hunting trip. Mitch leaves the admin building in a simple t-shirt, ruffling Willy’s already wild hair as he passes him on the steps.

Though, even with how normal everything appears to finally be, Willy can’t help but feel as if there’s a certain something missing. Winter, as always, had taken its toll on everyone. They’d only barely scraped by on their dangerously low food supply, suffered through the bitter cold and heaping snow, forced to all sleep in the common room to conserve body heat that ultimately left everyone largely irritated with one another for several different reasons.

Willy may be used to Mitch’s snoring, but that certainly doesn’t mean anyone else is.

Yet, even as the weather steadily improves and everyone is slowly but surely able to return back to a far more comfortable schedule, they all still seem… off.

There’s not enough happiness around here, Willy eventually decides. And so, he sparks the plan to change that. Besides, everyone likes hugs, right? They’re supposed to make people feel better, and that’s exactly what he intends to do.

He starts with an easy one. While he and Mitch don’t exactly hug each other on a regular basis, they are brothers. It wouldn’t be the strangest thing in the world. Willy approaches him as he’s stacking up freshly chopped firewood, and wordlessly wraps his arms around his waist.

Mitch tenses for a fraction of a second, before realizing it’s just Willy.

“Uh… what’s the hug for, man?” he rasps, patting Willy on the back as he returns it anyway. His voice has improved somewhat over the past few months, but it still sounds different. Scratchy and hoarse, like someone with a really bad flu.

Not that Willy minds, of course. The main thing that matters to him is that he’s here , and not dead like Lilly had very nearly succeeded in achieving. It doesn’t bother him in the least if his voice sounds a little funny, now.

“I decided today is hug day,” Willy explains simply, letting him go after a moment. “I think everyone really needs one. Y’know, after the winter and… everything.”

Mitch instantly gives him a warm smile. “Sounds like a great idea to me.”

Willy nods affirmatively. “Totally! So, you can go hug someone too, if you want.”

Then, before Mitch can formulate a response, Willy is off once again in search of the nearest person. Which, happens to be Ruby as she tends to the horse they’d brought back from the Delta. As usual, Aasim is right there with her, though he keeps a safe distance from the animal. He refuses to admit it, but Willy knows he’s definitely scared of it.

“Hi, Ruby,” Willy chirps, and again, without waiting for a reply, simply goes in to hug her as well.

“Oh- ” she exclaims in mild surprise, but is quick to recover. She hugs him back sincerely, one hand still grasping the rope attached to the horse’s halter.

Willy wastes no time between his rounds. Once releasing Ruby, he heads straight for Aasim.

“Wait, wha-” Aasim manages to utter before Willy is enveloping him, next. He may not be much of a hugger - well, towards anyone that isn’t Ruby, of course - but today, Willy vows to make sure everyone is.

Squeezing his arms around Aasim briefly, he steps back in order to clarify, “Today is hug day.”

Aasim quirks an inquisitive brow. “According to…?”

“Me,” Willy states proudly, beaming a big smile.

“Is that so?” Ruby says, wearing a smile of her own that’s incredibly fond around the edges. “Well, in that case… We’d better participate, right, hon?”

And with that, she’s leaning up on her toes and wrapping her arms around Aasim’s neck to pull him into another hug of their own. Unlike with Willy, he doesn’t remain stiff and awkward towards the contact, having no apparent problems with returning it in earnest.

Perfect! Willy thinks, grinning even wider. It’s working!

With his trend now catching on, Willy enthusiastically moves onward. Louis gets a hug next, where he’s still cleaning arrows, and it seems to immensely brightens his day judging by how he cheerfully laughs and thanks him. Then, it’s Violet’s turn, who, much like Aasim, isn’t the biggest fan of hugs even though she returns it all the same.

Omar receives his hug as he prepares dinner, Willy even making sure to include Rosie as she begs for scraps next to the large, steaming pot of food.

Finally, Willy reaches AJ and Tenn where they sit upon the ground as they color together. Willy kneels down in order to reach AJ’s level, making sure not to sneak up on him as he remembers the younger’s particular response to such sudden actions.

“It’s national hug day,” Willy tells him as he gives him a quick embrace around the shoulders. “That means everyone gets a hug.”

As he turns to Tenn, however, he finds himself hesitating. While he’s long since expressed his forgiveness towards what happened with Mitch, sometimes, he can’t help but still feel as if it’s technically his fault. It’s taken Willy a long time to come to terms with his big brother’s injury, and after watching him be taken away by Lilly and her people without knowing whether he was even alive or not, it remains a frightening memory.

But, like he said: everyone gets a hug. It’s not like he’s still mad at him, at least.

Tenn tentatively returns the gesture when Willy wraps his arms around him. When they pull back, he’s smiling genuinely, and Willy suddenly feels better about including him. They all deserve to be happy in his opinion, and that most definitely includes Tenn.

“Um, thank you…” Tenn murmurs quietly. Willy gives him a friendly nod.

And as he turns to survey the courtyard once again, he’s met with a promising sight. Louis can be seen moving in to dramatically hug an obviously annoyed Violet, and Willy laughs to himself as he catches sight of her one-eyed glare from around her eye patch.

There’s still one person left, however. As if right on cue, he spots her hobbling out from the dorm building, and Willy races forward to meet her.

He spares a fleeting look towards the prosthetic leg she’s currently balancing on. It’s the newest model, worked painstakingly hard on by himself, Mitch, Aasim, and AJ. He’s happy to see her getting used to it, and he’s sure she’s happy to finally be rid of those pesky crutches.

“Hey, Willy,” Clem greets with a smile.

This time, Willy does at least manage to spare a quick “Hi ” before moving in. He makes sure to be extra careful, however, not wanting to knock her over with an overly forceful hug. Yet even as slow as he winds his arms around her waist, he makes sure to squeeze with an equal amount of force as he showed towards everyone else.

“Today is hug day,” he explains again, for one last time. “We can all celebrate it every year.”

He can hear Clem chuckle softly as she returns the sentiment. “Every year, huh? Then I guess we’d better make sure to have Aasim write it down on his calendar.”

“Yeah! That’s what I was thinking!” Willy exclaims as he backs away.

And with that, his task is done. He and Clementine part ways, and he watches with bright, sparkling eyes as the first thing she does upon approaching Violet, is hug her.

Their first ever hug day? He thinks it’s safe to call it a smashing success.

[alcego-writes]

Writing With ADHD

Writing is hard at the best of times, but when you have to add your brain to your list of obstacles, it gets exponentially more difficult. That doesn’t mean you can’t do it! Like most things, it just means you have to find a way to write that works for you.

I am notoriously ADHD. For the majority of my writing experience, I have done nothing but write short snippets of something and then disappear into obscurity because that was all I could manage to do. However, recently I’ve been able to spend time trouble-shooting my writing experience and that’s been a godsend. I’ve been writing consistently (at least four days a week) since mid-September of this year, something that was previously unthinkable. In that time, I’ve written roughly 82,000 words across several projects, which is more than I’ve written in my entire life, let alone over such a short span of time.

I’m not saying this to brag, although I am certainly proud of this, but to say that it is possible to write with ADHD. It is possible to write a lot with ADHD. And it is possible to write without being in agony with ADHD.

It’s not an easy process, as what works for writers without ADHD may not work for you, or may need to be tweaked considerably to work for you. So here I’ve broken down a few issues that I struggled with, as well as some ways to overcome those issues. (Note: These may not work for you, or may need to be changed to work for you. Don’t worry about that! All that matters is you’ve found a way to write that works for you.)

Inspiration Overload

You know what I’m talking about: when you’ve got one great idea, but before you can make any real headway on the project you get another great idea, but before you can get started on that you get yet another great idea, and so on and so forth. It happens to the best of us, and it doesn’t have to get in the way of progress!

Obviously there are a ton of ways to overcome this, but for this post I’m just going to focus on these three:

Idea Dumps

Multiple Projects

Work It In

1. Idea Dumps

It’s not exactly an attractive name, so apologies for that, but it does mean roughly what it says. Personally, I have two idea dumps: one is a Scrivener document where I jot down loose lines of inspiration or basic ideas. The other is a notebook where I loosely outline ideas so I can appease the side of my brain that demands I work on it right-now-immediately.

Obviously, there’s more options than just that. You may find that sticky notes or a legal pad or a Google Doc or the notes program on your phone works better. That’s fine! Just get the idea down, so you won’t have to worry about forgetting it and you get a little bit of satisfaction knowing you’ve gotten some work done on it.

2. Multiple Projects

If you can manage it, pull up several documents. Write down the idea and bounce between the docs as your inspiration shifts. This does require some self-control, namely knowing how many WIPs you can actively work on at the same time (and when you need to shift something onto the back-burner). 

This will look different for everyone. For me, I can work on two projects at a time when time and energy allows, but as soon as mid-terms/finals/holidays come into play, I have to shift my focus to one WIP or risk burning myself out.

Play with it! Look at your history of WIPs. When has it been the easiest for you to write? The hardest? Apply that to your writing routine and tweak it as needed until it works for you.

3. Work It In

This doesn’t work for all ideas, but finding ways to include a heist narrative in your vaporwave novel can be an incredibly rewarding feeling. To do this, consider your active WIP and the new idea you have. What does the new idea have that the other is lacking? Can the new idea be shaped to fit into the active WIP? 

For example, I developed the concept for my sci-fi novel from two different ideas. One was a young woman who doubled as a superhero trying to take down a corrupt government, and the other consisted of three clearly defined characters who lacked anything resembling a plot. By merging the two, I gave that WIP a well-rounded cast and ensured that those three characters didn’t waste away in my idea dump doc without ever getting a plot.

It’s trial and error, but it can work!

What the Fuck is a “Routine”

I don’t know about y’all, but I cannot function without a routine. I also struggle to establish anything resembling a routine without a lot of struggling. It’s hard! It’s difficult to do anything, let alone create a method of going about your day that leads to consistent productivity.

The biggest thing that helped me get a routine was to stop thinking about it as a rigid, immovable thing. Routines can be that, yes, but for me it was impossible to create a routine without trying to track my every task down to the minute. Which, if you’ve ever tried a routine like that and started falling behind, is a slippery slope.

Instead, make a list of the things you want to do every day, or every week, or every month. Look at the ones you want to do right now, and focus on doing those on a regular basis. Once you’ve worked that one thing into your day and can do it without struggling overmuch, you can start focusing on adding another.

For example, I wanted to write consistently. Not every day, but at least every week. And I wanted to have something to show for that, so I would be able to look back and say, “Hey, I’ve been doing good!” So I grabbed a sticky note, wrote the date on the top, and listed every day of the week on a different line. Each day I wrote something, I wrote the word count on the sticky note. At the end of the week, I totaled up what I wrote for the week and then stuck it in the front cover of my writing notebook.

I’ve spoken with people who take their planner/calendar and put one sticker per thousand words on the day they wrote (e.g. on November 28, I wrote 2,000 words, so I would put two stickers on November 28). You might grab a clear jar and some cotton balls/marbles/little rocks and put one in for every thousand words, or enter it into a writing program that tracks that for you. Whatever works!

The point of this is to give yourself a reward system. What I outlined above is a form of reward system, where you can see your efforts clearly and on paper. This is more effective for me than telling myself I can’t get on Tumblr/read/listen to a podcast until I’ve written x number of words, but there are different strokes for different folks. Play around with it, and find a way to reward yourself for your work! (Your brain will appreciate the dopamine boost, I guarantee it.)

Once you’ve added a few things to your daily/weekly/monthly tasks, you’ll have a routine! I like to break down my tasks as little bullet-points on a notepad so I can cross them out when I get done. (Right now my lists look like 1. Write, 2. Algebra HW, 3. Sociology HW, 4. Eat, if that gives you any idea of my priorities.

Burnout

This shit sucks!! You write 5k in one sitting and then nothing for the next eight months (I’m totally not speaking from experience... that would be.... ridiculous). It’s really disheartening, as it feels like you’ve lost all creative ability. You go to write but words Won’t Happen. The ideas don’t just turn stale; they disappear entirely.

It happens. Unfortunately, it does. Some people may call it writer’s block (which I could do an entire post about on its own, as it comes in so many different shapes and sizes) but in the end, all that matters is you Can’t Write.

Before you decide that writing just isn’t for you, take a moment to consider why you’ve burnt out. What external factors (school, work, social obligations) affected you? Were any internal factors (mental health, illness, bad break-up, etc.) getting in the way of your work? Is there anything you can do to ease those challenges?

You might be surprised to notice a few patterns. For example, I always struggled to write during a flare-up, or when my mental health got bad, or when school and work collided in disastrous ways. There isn’t always something you can do to fix those things, but just knowing that there’s a reason can be helpful.

Also, take note of when you start getting your mojo back. When do you notice the first ghostly shape of an idea taking form? When do you start itching to write? Music, relaxation, and days off can have a significant effect on your creative cycle.

In fact, your creative cycle will almost definitely insist you take days off. There’s a reason I don’t hold myself to more than 4 days of writing a week, and that’s because I know my limits. My idea-brain needs time to recharge, even if I can occasionally go weeks at a time without taking a break. (Which, for the record, usually results in burnout.)

Be kind to yourself. Take note of your patterns and play into them. Take time off, force yourself to write on the days when you know it’s just hell-brain throwing a tantrum, remember to eat and drink. You’d be surprised by how often burnout coincides with a decline in self-care.

Consistency

Routines aren’t all that matter. Consistency is key, and not for any of those bullshit “you’re not a real writer unless you write every day” reasons. Momentum is incredibly helpful, and you can’t build that unless you’re also developing good habits.

Routines can help build momentum, but the crux of it all lies in self-discipline. AKA ADHD hell.

Reward systems can help, as can accountability systems (like posting your writing progress every week...), but the biggest change for me was not any of that.

It was letting myself write badly, and celebrating those words anyway.

Sounds odd, right? Why would I celebrate what is objectively bad? It’s because a combination of ADHD-brain and my upbringing led me to develop a paralyzing case of perfectionism. What’s the point of writing it unless you do it perfect?

It’s better to write it badly and make sense of it later. As the saying goes, you can’t edit a blank page. Write badly. If you need to, turn the text the same color as the background so you can’t obsess over the quality. Write in Comic Sans (which is a very good font, but also incredibly difficult to take seriously) or something that you can’t read easily. Find a way to write garbage and then celebrate it. Celebrate the number, or the fact that you’ve gotten the dumbest version out and it can only get better from here.

By doing that, you allay fears of perfectionism. Practice makes perfect, and practice means several drafts, many of which will hurt to read. You’ll get better the more you write, and the more you write the easier it will be to push through the scenes that aren’t working. Hell, get into the practice of using brackets when you can’t think up the scene, or need a name, or need to do research, and just keep writing. No matter what, keep that momentum going.

If you need an outline to avoid getting lost, do that. If you need to feel free to explore the story without restraints, do that. Just write. Keep writing. It’s bad? Keep going. Your ideas will change; adapt to the new concept and make a note to yourself to fix the earlier aspects later. Keep going. 

And there’s obviously more I can go on about, but these are the main things that helped me. (Apologies if the text gets thick at times. Writing is one of those things I can talk about forever when the mood strikes.) Please let me know if there’s anything else you want to know! If you have any questions, feel free to pop into my ask box! I’m happy to chat.

[oosteven-universe]

Dungeons & Dragons Infernal Tides #2

Dungeons & Dragons: Infernal Tides #2 IDW Publishing 2020 Written by Jim Zub Illustrated by Max Dunbar Coloured by Sebastian Cheng Lettered by Neil Uyetake     A devil-tainted puzzle box sends our heroes to the fortress-library known as Candlekeep. If Minsc and his companions can’t unravel its secrets in time, thousands of innocent souls will be lost, including their own!     One day at a convention I want to play an adventure with these characters that's run by Jim. That would make my life complete, well partially but certainly it's a bucket list item at this point. So anyone listening, Jim, let's do this because my god how much fun would it be? If you haven't read this then you really have no way of understanding of just how damn good this series is on such a regular basis.     Here's another thing about this series that I love and that it feels like they are more than a team, a family if you will. Strangers when they met and now a well oiled machine who care for one another and look out for one another. In a lot of ways it feels like the New Teen Titans and arc after arc the parallels do not fade and it's because of how well Jim is writing this. This isn't him creating the characters it's him telling the story of their lives and adventures and there are very few writers alive and working that have the ability to do that. Part of me wishes that last issue we hadn't seen Beatrice, who isn't a Tressym, reveal what she really is. The surprise element would have been much nicer but then again it worked out the way it's supposed to.    I am fan of how this is being told. Aside from the style of Jim's writing the story & plot development we see through how the sequence of events unfold as well how the reader learns information is presented in such a spectacular manner. The character development continues to impress me and to see the group never staying quite the same and the addition of new characters who leave subtle influences upon them is delightful. The pacing that we see here is superb and as it takes through the pages revealing the twists and turns along the way really help create some great unexpected moments. The way all this works together helps create the ebb & flow that we see and how the structure of the book comes to life.     Max is a delightfully talented artist and illustrator. He has a nice style that verges on the all-ages cartoon type of work and yet he infuses that will some great attention to detail. The linework is superb and how the varying weights are utilised to show a sure, strong and steady hand is fantastic. How we see the backgrounds being utilised and how they fit within the composition in the panels bring us depth perception, scale and the overall sense of size and scope of the story. The utilisation of the page layouts and how we see the angles and perspective in the panels show a marvellous eye for storytelling. The creativity and imagination that we see is fantastic and the imp or whatever it is one of those crazy creepy cool things we love to see. I am loving the colour work here and how we see the way that the hues and tones can bleed or show gradation and even colour blocking is so beautifully rendered and shows such an understanding of how colour works. ​     Listen if you've ever been a fan of the New Teen Titans then do yourself a favour and start with the first trade and tell me you don't see what I see. You'll thank me for it I guarantee that much. This is as good if not better than a majority of the super-hero team books on stands today and that isn't just an opinion. So if you think you only read super-hero stories and you only read them from the “big 2” then I am here to tell you this will change your mind.

[thereismagicinthesepages]

Pop Culture Entity Challenge: Hircine, Part 1

Stolen from @highpriestness

This is meant to be a sort of bonding and questionnaire in regards to spirits, entities, and deities you may work with in Pop Culture.

You can use it as a 30 day challenge, an ask meme to ask for questions, or simply write them all however you feel.

General Questions:

1. What is the name of the entity and what is their canon universe?

Hircine. The Elder Scrolls anthology.

2. What drew you to this entity? What drew you to their world?

The Elder Scrolls universe has been close to my heart for a very long time. In particular, Skyrim. It’s a beautifully created fantasy world full of colorful characters and lore, and it came to life for me. I’ve put many hours of playtime into the game, running new characters with varying skills and trying new things. It’s always a unique experience and one I never regret diving into.

Hircine himself interested me from the first time I met him in-game. He is the Great Hunter, and the quest in Skyrim (my first encounter with him) leads you to him by way of helping a werewolf NPC who had been cursed by him. Many of the characters in the game frame Daedra as being evil or bad, they are considered demons against the godly presence of the Aedra; the Divines. Hircine’s actions throughout this quest are harsh, but he is also one of the more agreeable Daedra.

Hircine appears in the game as a white stag that you need to hunt down and kill, then his Aspect will appear to tell you to hunt down the same werewolf who asked for your help. You can refuse, but he will warn you that other hunters will be going after the werewolf regardless. You then have two options; Defy Hircine and save the werewolf from the hunters, or join the hunt and kill him. Either way, Hircine will reward you with one of his artifacts. I always choose to spare the werewolf.

What actually draws me to Hircine is my already great love of nature. Deer and Wolves have always been very close to my heart, wolves in particular. Hircine is the father of lycanthropy and thus werewolves are his people. Also while I myself am not a hunter in the strictest sense, I do support and respect those that do hunt, and I respect and make use of animals’ sacrifices on a regular basis. I often pick up roadkill or take hunter waste and use the bones, pelts, feathers, ect. in crafts, as offerings to my gods, or just as general decor,

Also, going back to Hircine’s Quest, if you choose to kill the hunters to save your werewolf friend, Hircine remains impressed with you for “turning the hunt inside-out.” He appreciates alternative thinking, and he just wants to see his Hunters overcoming obstacles to reach their goal. That’s the true Hunt, and he reminds me of that frequently. I don’t have to dawn a bow and shoot a deer, my Hunt can be any goal I’m reaching for, every obstacle I am trying to over come, regardless of how small or massive. Afterall, hunters take on prey of all sizes, right? From a hunting spider catching a tiny insect, to a dragon hunting a mammoth.

3. Did you choose them or did they tap you? How?

A little bit of both. I am a fairly recent baby witch and pagan, and at first I was really only looking into “real” gods, in particular I started with the Egyptian and Greek pantheons, as I already had very strong connections to both. However, I did begin to see others weaving pop culture into their witchcraft, and I eventually discovered Pop Culture Paganism. It clicked for me, it made so much sense, that these worlds and characters that I put so much love and time into, that someone put heart, soul and life into, could be considered “real” and hold power in their own rights.

I already believed in the Infinite Universes theory, wherein there could be a universe out there somewhere where literally anything could exist. Hearing that others worshiped gods based on works of fiction, or even other non-deified entities from those works, was eye-opening for me. I started researching. I wanted to learn more. I found a particular tumblr user who worshipped the Daedra and that clicked with me. I love so many of the Daedra, something about them always spoke to me. Clavicus Vile, Sheogorath, Molag Bal, Hircine....

Shortly after this revelation, I started researching how to worship PC entities. I wasn’t really all that solid on my more “traditional” pagan beliefs, let alone branching out into mostly uncharted territory. There was so little help on how to begin. I found posts about manifesting, about working with them as spirits, as archetypes, creating thoughtforms and servitors.... It was a lot of information to pick through, and a lot to think about. Even now I’m having some trouble beginning working with some entities I’d like to approach, because thus far all of the beings I’ve been working with are considered gods in their own rights. I am having a harder time figuring our how to work with a mortal character who may not want to be deified.

Regardless, while I was in the midst of all of this research and soul-searching, Hircine did tap me. I had actually forgotten the initial feeling, I had to go back to my journal to remember. I was asleep in bed asleep one night and heard a sort of crinkling sound. I got a vivid vision of large, leather boots crunching through dried leaves in a dense forest. My mind immediately screamed Hircine.

I put off contacting him for a bit after that, as I was still unsure, but upon realizing that the Hunter Moon was coming up, I couldn’t ignore the signs. I found a young buck skull that I got from a roadkill deer I processed a few years ago, and set it and some crystals out near a window where they could absorb the moonlight. I left him some bread and water, and waited.

I don’t remember if it was the following day, or a few days later, as I’m terrible at keeping an up-to-date journal, but I know that shortly thereafter, I was heading to work early in the morning. As I was walking out to my car, I felt a compulsion to look out at my back yard. There were a number of deer standing there. That’s not so uncommon, we have a doe that seems to frequently hang out behind the house, I see her often. What was unusual, is that she was accompanied by three other does. I usually only see the one. As I cautiously stepped forward for a better look, a large buck suddenly bolted past, leading the does back into the woods.

The feeling of elation that rose inside of me was amazing. I love seeing deer anyway, but to me it was very strongly a sign from Hircine. I sensed a presence there that I’d never before experienced. I thanked him, watched the herd leave, and continued on my way.

Since then, I get occasional messages from him, either in similar form, or just hearing his voice. I get this with most of my main deities, either hearing them in my head, or just getting a strong feeling about a situation and knowing it to be one of my gods communicating. I have a fair number of deities I appeal to, so sometimes it’s hard to decipher who exactly is trying to speak. I have no such ambiguity with Hircine, as I always distinctly hear his voice from the game, that clever, echoey sort of voice that emanates from the Stag aspect.

4. How do you typically communicate?

This is what I get for writing too much for each question;; As stated above, he often speaks directly to me, in the voice I know as his from Skyrim. He often gives me advice, though it’s usually in a sort of “tough love�� form. If I’m feeling frustrated or discouraged, he’ll tell me things like “a hunter presses on regardless of hardship” or “the hunt is not yet over”. Usually it relates to hunting, but it always fits my circumstances.

5. What role does this entity play in their universe?

Hircine is the God of the Hunt and Father of Manbeasts. He created the various forms of lycanthropy in Tamriel. Every Era, he will put on a Great Hunt for which he will choose a number of mortal candidates to participate in. It could be as simple as sending hunters to kill a rogue werewolf, to making his champions navigate a maze of Daedric creatures while transformed into hares.

Hircine is revered by hunters and offers his followers the chance to hunt with him for eternity in the Hunting Grounds, Hircine’s Oblivion Realm. He has a fondness for predators, and values Strength, Speed, Guile and Cunning.

6. What kind of relationship do you have with this entity?

I offer my personal “hunts” to Hircine, using his wisdom to overcome the obstacles in my life. He offers me advice and council, occasionally being stern about it, but really only when I need it. We have a pretty positive relationship, I think. I have always had a reverence for nature, and I think he appreciates that. While I don’t actually hunt animals as prey, I still am able to take the lessons he teaches to put towards everyday life, and I am still able to offer him what I consider traditional offerings, like bones and pelts from animals, due to my taxidermy work.

7. What aspects does this entity reside over?

Traditionally, the Hunt is his Sphere, called many names (the Great Game, the Chase, ect). I also consider the other traits he values as being part of this. He values strength, speed, guile, and my personal addition; cunning. He often appears as a fox to trick people, and will grant those he finds to be clever knowledge and tricks of their own. He takes pride in seeing someone openly defy him and turn a hunt around on his chosen hunters.

He values loyalty. He values nature and animals and a respect for them. He values pride in oneself and strength of heart and character. He values independence, but also the ability to run with a pack or herd. He values both the hunter and the prey, and he values someone who can flip on those roles very highly.

8. What kinds of offerings do you/would you give this entity?

I am still discovering this myself. Certainly a very traditional offering to Hircine is the act of hunting. Again, I alter this to be overcoming challenge or reaching for a goal. I will sometimes dedicate such things to him as offerings. I would also offer him animal bones or pelts. I believe he would like prey animals, like deer or rabbit in particular, but also predators like wolves or big cats. I often offer him cool water, which is a traditional offering for many old gods, and in the wild is such an essential thing. Though I have not yet, I would offer him natural foods; berries, fruits, thinks like that.

I offer him meat sometimes, usually whatever I have, though I think he would particularly appreciate things like venison, rabbit or bear meat. I have given him a number of stones and crystals in the past, things close to the earth. Alcohol is another thing I have and would like to offer him. Particularly I think he would appreciate red wines and mead, though I have access to neither right now.

Arrows, arrowheads, daggers or hunting knives, bows, and other hunting tools would be other good things to dedicate to him, I think. Especially if they’re used to hunt with. Imagery of deer, wolves, bears, foxes or werecreatures would all be good as well. I also associate him with crocodiles, mostly because of his Daedroth creatures. I feel like he would also appreciate tattoos as well, particularly of a tribal sort.

9. What kinds of animals, stones, elements, plants, etc do you associate with this entity? Why?

Stones I used for him were clear quartz, like a clear lake or like the full moon. Moonstone, for obvious reasons; bloodstone, representing blood from his prey. Red or orange stones, representing the blood moon. I’m still learning and experimenting with others.

Animals that I associate with him, I mentioned some, but really any hunter animal. Wolves, bears, foxes, crocodiles, spiders, and birds of prey in particular. Deer and elk are also very strong associations for me, as well as other antlered or horned prey animals like gazelle. I also associate him with other creatures in Tamriel such as Daedroth, dragons, unicorns, sabrecats and werecreatures. I also have a loose association with him and sharks, again for the predator aspect.

I strongly associate him with the element of Earth. I always feel a connection to the Earth with him, to plants and animals and nature. He makes me feel very grounded and in touch with my surroundings. I could also connect him to fire, for the occasional harshness he exhibits, the flaming reds of the blood moon, his ability to go from warm and gentle to fierce and burning. I could make connections to air and water as well, but Earth is certainly the strongest elemental association for him, to me.

Plants are tricky, I’m still learning meanings and correspondences so I have trouble pinning them to spirits and deities, though I do strongly associate him with Hemlock and evergreens in general. As well as with fall foliage. I have the image of a stag moving through a forest of evergreens and that feels very Hircine to me.

I associate him with the smell of musk, pine, and a general earthy smell, like freshly disturbed soil. I associate him with the smell of the forest, with the crisp mountain air. The sound of birdcalls and wolf howls. The full moon.

10. Are there any songs, books, or quotes you associate with this entity? Why?

I’m still looking for things like this that remind of of him. Of course there are his in-universe books such as The Totems of Hircine, and any of his spoken dialogue in game (”Well met, hunter” springs to mind), but as for things in our world, one song I really strongly associate with him is “The Stampede” from The Lion King soundtrack.

11. How and when did you first encounter them as an entity?

Told the story above, but there was the strange dream/vision of him walking in the woods, and then the buck in my back yard.

12. How are they particularly involved in your life? Do they teach you anything specific? If so, what?

He teaches me patience and control, dignity and pride, perseverance and strength. He reminds me that a successful hunter has to be aware and in control of her surroundings. He reminds me that sometimes the prey escapes, and that’s okay. He reminds me that even the greatest hunters sometimes lose their mark and go home hungry. He reminds me that it is important to keep trying and keep improving. To keep my eyes on the target, but not to get lost in it either. The wilds are dangerous and they require my attention. They are also beautiful and demand my reverence.

There is excitement and also sadness in a successful hunt. You have taken something very beautiful and precious from the world, and that demands a moment of introspection. But you have also triumphed over your trial, and you will continue to thrive now with all that the hunt provided you. You have food, tools, clothing and shelter. The good sometimes comes with the bad, there is balance in all things and that must be accepted to be able to move on with one’s life.

He teaches me that there is a time and a situation where one should rely on the pack, be content and dependent upon the presence and assistance of others, but there are also times when the hunter must venture out alone. Some prey are best taken down with a group, some are best to be hunted solo.

He reminds me that all things are not as they seem. The hunter may hide himself from the prey if he is skilled enough. I must take care not to become the prey myself, and if the hunt should turn upon me, I must be clever and resourceful enough to escape my hunters. I must be mindful of those hidden hunters, and I must be hidden myself to be successful; either as a hunter or as prey. The strong and the smart survive, I must be one of the two to live; I must be both to thrive.

13. Do they have any identifying symbols in canon or otherwise?

Deer, mostly. Hircine is most known for appearing as a stag, or having the head or skull of one. But he has also appeared as a fox, a bear and a man. His children are the skinshifters, the werecreatures. His weapons are the spear and bow.

14. Do they have alternate versions, verses, or canons? Do you communicate with all or some of them?

Hircine appears slightly differently in each TES game, though it is always the same entity. I have based most of my worship on his appearance in Skyrim, as that is the one which I have the deepest connection with.

[dailyaudiobible]

01/01/2020 DAB Transcript

Genesis 1:1-2:25, Matthew 1:1-2:12, Psalms 1:1-6, Proverbs 1:1-6

Today is January 1st welcome to the Daily Audio Bible I am Brian happy New Year everybody it's great to be here with you. Welcome aboard. We are about to set sail on a journey that will last a year. We will travel all the way around the sun, and as the earth travels all the way around the sun, we will make our way through the entire Bible and the Bible will invariably touch every aspect of our lives. So welcome, welcome aboard and for those of you returning for another year and another voyage, welcome back. I am so glad to take this journey again with you, it is beyond words. And for those of you who have found your way here somehow, whether somebody invited you or whether you just stumbled upon this, whatever the path you're here and in the coming days and weeks you will find out that that is that is meaningful. You are embarking on a journey that will in fact affect your life in a positive and profound way. That’s what the Bible does. So welcome, welcome, and happy new year and off we go. And every time that we begin a new journey, and this is the 15th journey through the Bible, so this is the first day of the 15th year the Daily Audio Bible. We have we been working our way through the Bible seven days a week for 14 complete years, seven days a week without stopping. So, this year will be no different, but this year will be very different because every year is very different. And I as we kind of settle into the rhythm that will take us through the year these first few days, we just kinda need to get acclimated to how this all works. So, I'll be sharing some different things each day for the next, I guess about, week until we get all those things covered and then we’ll be sailing smooth out into the deep beyond the shore. But today this is our launch day and we will launch at the beginning and the way that the Daily Audio Bible works is that we will read a portion of the Old Testament, a portion of the New Testament, a portion of Psalms and a bit of Proverbs every day as we take steps forward every day through the Scriptures. So, today is a rare day because we’re gonna be starting four different books - Genesis, Matthew, Psalms and Proverbs. And every time we encounter a new book we usually just take a step back, get a little context, understand what the story is, understand who the players are, who the voices are, what's going on, why it's being written - so that…so that we can put ourselves in the position of the early hearers of these writings and understand how they applied to their lives so that we can more adequately interpret how they apply to ours. So, we won't talk about all four of the books that we’re beginning today, we’ll take one at a time over the next couple of days and just get our bearings. And, so, let's begin at the beginning, which is the book of Genesis.

Introduction to the book of Genesis:

And the book of Genesis is famous because it contains the story of creation. And, so, often if you’ve never taken a journey through the Bible or read the book of Genesis before you think that's kind of what's in there. The…the very very early stories of early Earth, the early creation stories. But what's interesting but Genesis is that this book covers more time than any of the other books in the Bible, about 2500 years pass between the beginning and ending of the book of Genesis, which ironically is more time than the rest of the Old Testament combined. So, there's a lot more to Genesis than the story of creation. Like, the first 11 chapters of Genesis will cover a couple thousand years and a couple thousand miles before…before slowing down the warp pace and then beginning to focus on several specific generations of people who we need to know and we actually need to know well because they and their ancestors shape the rest of the Bible and continue to influence our world all the way till today. And Genesis is also a part of a group of writings, a larger group of books that…that encompass the first five books of the Bible which are Genesis, Exodus, Leviticus, Numbers, and Deuteronomy. And it’ll take us a minute to come carve our way through all those books, but this grouping is called the Torah or the Pentateuch. And we’ll discuss that more as we continue our journey forward through the next days and weeks in front of us. But we’re at the beginning so let's…let's go. We’re reading from the New Living Translation for the remainder of this week. And today, Genesis chapter 1 and chapter 2.

Commentary:

Okay. So, as you can see, we have begun our journey in the book of Genesis, and we talked about what the book of Genesis was going to tell us. But man, even in today's reading alone there's so much for us because we have a baseline now, we have an origin story. We are told that we are intentionally here, God created us in His image and allowed us to be here as His children upon this planet. And we have a rare view, actually a very, very rare view that can pretty much only be found here in the first pages of the Bible and that is a look into how things were supposed to be, like how this was supposed to go. Genesis has given us a little peek into a time when things were perfect, a time when things were as they were meant to be, a time that things and every life was whole. And obviously, you know, we don’t need to look too far to understand that there is brokenness everywhere, including inside of ourselves at the moment and that we can't look at the world and go, “oh, its as it should be, its whole.” So, this little view in the book of Genesis, at least gives us a glimpse into when things were as they were supposed to be. And this is what our hearts are souls deepest longing is after - wholeness, completeness. There’s a word, a Hebrew word that kinda seeks to…to say this and it’s a popular word, shalom. I mean, if you’re living in Israel and say shalom, that's a way of saying hello or a lot of times it's interpreted, peace, like peacefulness. But it's like the deepest origins. The deepest meaning here is, wholeness, completeness and the Bible has given us a picture of what that looks like. And it should call out to the deep places inside of us because we are longing for this. Like, we spend the majority of our lives trying to make arrangements for ourselves to feel, at least, to feel whole. So, like, we’ll rearrange all the furniture in our lives, we’ll get rid of people, we’ll bring people in, like we’ll change jobs, this that and the other, all in an attempt to make things more comfortable and better and more whole, at least in our view. And yet, we have to acknowledge there's a God view of what wholeness looks like and it's a bit different then what we think it looks like. And the Bible will do a really good job over the course of this year, poking and prodding and challenging and questioning and giving us continual opportunities to consider the path that we’re on because the Bible continually will bring us to a fork in the road. We will encounter so many forks in the road, I don't even know how many there are. Just continually, we will come to a fork in the road where we are given an illuminated path to destruction and an illuminated path to life and then we get to choose which path we’re going to walk on. And, so, right here on day one, we gotta get in our minds that what we do matters. And we will explore that a bit more tomorrow.

And then as we began the New Testament today, and we’ll talk about Matthew tomorrow as we get into tomorrow's reading, but we can see now that we read the genealogies of Jesus. And its funny.  Genealogies are like notoriously like glaze your…your eyes glaze over, your mind checks out, “what are all these names in the Bible about?” And we will certainly be talking about that as we go further, but these names are all people we’re gonna meet along the way. Many of them were kings of Israel and we will meet them when we get to the books of Kings, but Matthew is trying to establish Jesus genealogy for…for reasons, and we will see this as we go forward because the book of Matthew, the mission of this gospel is to show how Jesus fulfills prophecies that had long been foretold but I don’t want to jump ahead of ourselves. We’ll talk about that some more tomorrow.

We also began the book of Psalms today. And how's this for day one, in terms of advice for life. “Oh, the joys of those who do not follow the advice of the wicked or stand around with sinners or join in with mockers, but instead they delight in the law of the Lord meditating on it day and night. They are like trees planted along the riverbank, bearing fruit in each season leaves will never wither, and they will prosper in all they do.” You see the forks in the road that I’m talking about. There’s one right there. You can follow the path to destruction by following the advice of the wicked and hanging around with sinners and joining in with mockers or you can follow a path that will allow you to prosper in all that you do. And that path would be delighting in the law of the Lord and meditating on it day and night. And become like a tree that's planted by a riverbank, right? The water source is right there. And, so, your bearing fruit and your leaves don't wither, and you prosper. It's right there, and it's worth just spending some time today silently or in prayer just asking, “God help me see these paths, help me know the way to walk, help me to delight in you, help me to be like a tree planted along the riverbank, that's…that's what I'm looking for, wholeness, fullness. So, there’s some things to think about there.

And Proverbs will, on a regular basis, give us like one sentence that says volumes if we will slow down and think about it. And we will talk about that some more as we move forward.

Prayer:

Father, we thank You for Your word. We thank You for allowing us to cross the threshold into a brand-new year and beyond that into a brand-new decade. This really is a fresh new starting point and everything that flows from here is going to be borne out by the choices that we make. And here at the beginning of this decade we are inviting Your Holy Spirit to come and lead us into all truth. This is what the Scriptures say You will do. We are told of a narrow path that leads to life, and few find that path. And we, Lord…Lord, we want to be one of them and we will never find it on our own. We were never meant to find it on our own. And, so, come Holy Spirit, be a light to our feet, a lamp to our path leading us a day by day forward in the name of Jesus we ask. Amen.

Announcements:

dailyaudiobible.com is the website and that is home base and that is where you find out what's going on around here.

And that is something that you'll hear me say just about every day because…because we are a community and we are wrapped all around the world and there are tens of thousands of us here. We actually kinda get to know each other and a feel connected in spirit as we go forward, but we’re still…were still wrapped all over the world in every conceivable time zone. And, so, dailyaudiobible.com is this portal, it’s like home base for a virtual community like this. This is where you find out what’s going on around here. So, check that out. I'll…I’ll talk about different aspects of it as we can move into the into the decade together, but that's a good jumping off point for today. That's a good thing to get familiar with and find out what’s going on there, but mostly I just want to talk about beginnings, new beginnings.

Yeah, this is the beginning of year, 15 but this is a new beginning for me. And you may have been here for the last decade or the last year. This is a new beginning for you. And you may have stumbled here today by accident or maybe just the last week, couple weeks, been thinking a little bit more deeply about your interior life. You know, your spirituality, what's actually going on inside of you because what's going on outside of you can be chaotic and…and…and confusing. And, so, when you’re confused inside and you’re confused outside then pretty much confused and that can lead into all kinds of really, really challenging and dark places. I don't know how you got here. You may have got here because you jumped off the ship yesterday and re-boarded for a new year or you may have just accidentally come here today. I just…it doesn't matter how we got here, we’re here right now and this is the first day of a  new decade and the next 10 years can be profoundly different than the last ten if we’ll want them to, if we’re willing to allow God's word to unpack us instead of us trying to unpack it. You may be listening today thinking, “oh my gosh, I cannot believe I’m going to listen to something religious. Like I…I can't. I don't like those kinds of people and I'm not so sure about their Jesus. I don't know. I think…I think what I'd like to say to you…I think what I'd like to say to everybody is, don't believe everything you've been told. We’re going to go through the Bible. We’re going to read every word of it together and we’re going to talk about it and at the end of this we’re gonna know what the Bible says and we will have wrestled through whatever we need to wrestle through, but my own faith journey is one in which I realized one day, “I don't…I have been professing my faith for a long time. I'm not sure I know God, because everything that I've ever been told about God is something somebody else told me.” And that is what brought me to the Bible all these years ago. I thought, “I’m…I'm…I’m searching…I'm searching for God and yet I'm…I've never read this book called the Bible that apparently my entire future hinges upon. I…I just know the famous verses that everybody quotes. I don't know why they were said. I have no idea what's going on in that book. All I know is every time I've ever tried to get into the book it's like, “what is going on?” And I just didn't understand but I decided I’m gonna read this book with an open heart and open mind and I'm in read this book as if God will speak to me. And if I read this whole book, and He doesn't speak to me, and there is no God, and there is nothing out there, then I read one of the most famous books in the world. Everybody should read it. But that’s not happened. What I found is that God created us in His image and never intended to be separated from us, and in no way desires any kind of separation from us and we will see the lengths He's willing to go to. And, obviously, you can go, “well, you’re just pointing to the cross, blah, blah, blah. That’s obvious.” Oh, you’re gonna see a lot more ways that God is incredibly intentional about staying connected. The reason we have a Bible, is because God was unwilling to be left out of our story. The Bible isn't the biography of God. If you take people out of the Bible there is no Bible. This is the story of God with us. So, it really doesn't matter how you got here. You are here and everything after this is what matters. 365 days from today we will be beginning a new year. What your life looks like when you begin that new year, 365 days from now is going to be made up of the choices and decisions that you make. The Bible can really, really help with that. So, I…I welcome you. I am thrilled to take this journey together. I am thrilled that you are here no matter who you are, no matter where you are, no matter what time it is, no matter what's going on, no matter how it is that you got here. This is a new day. This is a new year. This is a new decade. Let’s live into this with all of our hearts.

Song:

Cold - Leslie Odom Jr.

You lost yourself on empty promises Broken on the way All you've ever known are dishonest men Who don't ever change

So you're keeping all your secrets By you wrapped up tight You're who I believe in So why say goodnight?

Don't listen to all you've been told You can come in from the cold And you know the safest place to be Is right here next to me Won't you come in from the cold?

Wanna help you ease the feeling Weighing on your mind You're looking for a reason Running out of time

You're keeping all your secrets By you wrapped up tight You're who I believe in So why say goodnight?

Don't listen to all you've been told You can come in from the cold And you know the safest place to be Is right here next to me Won't you come in from the cold?

I know your heart's telling you, "Run now" Run so far away (Run so far away) The self is trying to reach out (Trying to reach out) Shine a light into the grey (Light into the grey) I know how hard it is to take a chance when it calls your name So I pray (I pray, Oh I pray, I pray) I pray

Don't listen to all you've been told You can come in from the cold And you know the safest place to be Is right here next to me

Won't you come in from the cold? Won't you come in from the cold? Won't you come in from the cold?

[basshouse]

Of Politics and Road Trips

Welp, it seems like the time has come to address one of the gnarliest and most frequently asked questions of all time.  To be clear, that's gnarly for me and to me, respectively.  I’d also like to memorialize a recent road trip.  Before I start, though, let’s get grounded in the current context: it’s late summer IN MARCH; We are headed intro autumn, and there has been enough early snow that Mount Hutt was open for skiing (what?!?!).  I started my new job at Jade Software; the kids started a new school year in January, with Anily headed off to her first year of high school (5 years of high school here); both kids have changed to a new soccer club, which is much closer to the house (thank god); Anily made the A team; James is playing soccer and basketball and ridiculous amounts of Fortnite.  It’ll soon be a year that we’ve been here. We are right in the middle of a full 12 weeks of visitors and trips from/to the US. And in case you were wondering, the cat has managed to escape through open windows and doors a few times, but he’s always come back so I guess he’s ours for real :-)  

I still haven't submitted my dreadfully complicated tax return.  I am seriously procrastinating, and having visitors and reasons to road trip is helping/hurting. 

So!  BFGFAQ (big fat gnarly...you get it): It’s the political one.  From the Kiwis this usually comes in the form of “are you a Trump refugee?” or “what do you make of what’s going on over there?”  And even if it’s not an explicit question, how can I possibly answer the most frequent Q of all time -- “why did you move to New Zealand?” without considering how the political landscape of the US factored in?  I mean, you don't just up and move across the globe and leave a great place and a fabulous life without at least a mental checklist of pros and cons.  At least, most of us wouldn't.  And if you’re a grown-up (which we sadly have established that I am) and a contributing, aware, member of society (which I would argue that I am), your list must include considerations of the way your taxes are spent and people are treated in the place you live and how the outcomes of those things impact your lifestyle, your life, and the lives of other human beings.  Right? Right!  

MAJOR UPDATE:  A handful of days after I posted this, someone (likely an asshole white supremacist) shot and killed people in a CHCH mosque.  The city is still in lock down as I write this.  It is terrible and sad that  things like this happen anywhere, ever.  And I just want to say that as you read the ideas below, I’ll be watching closely the response of the NZ government.  

If there’s one thing that moving around the world to a place you’ve never been before, with a small family and no friends, and taking up a real life with a paycheck and a rent and a job does really well, it’s create an opportunity to reflect on the differences between where you were and where you are.  It also is extremely useful for considering, in a very real way, how the values you hold are (or are not) reflected in both a political system and a local way of living.  You really notice how political decisions, socioeconomic forces and cultural norms trickle into investments, infrastructure, bureaucracy, language, aesthetics, and interactions that impact you as you move through your day-to-day and learn how to get things done.  And because you’re an observer who is trying to become an insider, you may operate with less bias and pre- disposition to judge, more of a natural curiosity and interest in gathering information and then assimilating it and deciding over time. Chalk one up for perspective!  Happy to say this was the kind of experience and growth I hoped we’d all get through this adventure. 

Now, from the Americans this question usually comes in the form of something like “OMG, are you so glad you’re not here for this?” or “are public healthcare and lack of gun violence really as amazing as they seem from here?”.  Because, like me, most people I talk with on a regular basis feel something like this:

t least you do now, thanks to Willie Wonka’s and friend above, and this: 

So while I am not here in NZ without political bias or personal ideas of what’s right, wrong and important, I am more open minded to considering what’s good for this country and this context, and I have a stronger appreciation for the complexities of things all across the board since I’ve now gathered more data and had more experience. 

So, my American friends, in the interest of helping you draw some of your own conclusions, here is a segment I like to call Fact, Figures and Feelings:

America is amazing.  You have SO much of everything.  Including great food, tons of money, vast political power, and a really noticeable amount of homeless people.  I mean!  When I was in San Jose I felt so conflicted by both where to go for every meal and the fact that to get where I wanted to go I was uncomfortable with my own feelings and anxiety about possible conflict with the homeless and mentally ill folks I passed constantly. And it was often while I was walking into a convention center full of people trying to give away millions of dollars, listening to speakers who had made millions through technology. And while the dog adoption station on site and the furry friends in it made me feel a little better in the moment, could there be anything more cliche? Embarrassing. And yet is it fundamentally bad to have cute dogs making rich people feel good and maybe getting adopted?  No.  But it maybe uniquely American. 

Know what else you have a lot of, USA?  DRAMA.  Seriously.  The NZ morning news is usually about 25-50% reporting on the shitshow that is US and Brexit, and it turns out that when people say “if you get homesick, just listen to the news” they are correct.  

So what about NZ?  Well, when you live in a country with SO MANY FEWER (like so many!) people and a much smaller GDP, your reality is very different.  Not so loud.  Not so busy.  Not so many options. Much much simpler and frankly, it feels more sane. But we know the Mexican food sucks.  So... six of one/half dozen of the other?  This is what I am saying: I cannot tell you if Enchiladas and Aveda products make up for dealing with the opioid crisis if you’re seeing it every day, or if leaving Tito’s vodka and a much higher salary on the table is balanced out by the fact that police here in CHCH carried guns last week and this is how people think about it: 

FUN FACT: During the “summer holidays” (December-Jan), the morning news show on public radio literally went off air.  They replaced it with special summer programming, mostly dedicated to personal profiles and reviews of music and activities.  The only headlines they read each day were almost entirely about the US (shut downs) and UK (Brexit).  Apparently it’s possible for time off to extend to politics and news.  WOW.  Just notice how you feel about that. 

Now, NZ is certainly not the rainbows and unicorns utopia we liberals like to think a place with a public healthcare system and affordable education and far fewer guns will be -- there’s a growing imbalance in the distribution of wealth, the abortion laws are archaic, affordable housing is a big issue, nurses and teachers strike because they don’t get paid enough.

Politics was not the only motivator for our move, but we considered it -- sure seemed like a nice time to be out of the US, and it is.  It’s certainly not a clear #NZFTW-100% -they -nailed-it situation, though.  Every place and every system has its bad sides, and I have a lot to learn to really decide how the pros and cons balance out. All I know is that it’s really, really nice to be in a place where the political conversation is much simpler and more focused on politics and their outcomes on people than on hateful rhetoric. I am disappointed when I think of the lost opportunity due to the amount of resources you are wasting on unproductive, unkind conversations in the USA, when you have so much.  I feel bad for not being there to help stand up for the rights of people I believe in, but when you don't wake up angry every day at the headlines and the people you share space with, when the dialog is a little more open and productive, when the headlines are not so likely to be violent and sad, you start with a much better mental health baseline. You just can’t eat a great caesar salad whenever you feel like it, and it’s expensive as hell to leave the island and you don’t get paid enough to be able to do it often, which may really stress you out. For now, I’m really ok with it. But over time will the flaws in the NZ system (every system has them) outweigh the positive?  Do the opportunities in the US outweigh the negative? 

In the interest of letting you form some your own opinions: Take a look at the the top headlines of 2018 in New Zealand.  They include a pregnant PM; visits from Ed Sheeran, the Royals, and Obama; a handful of natural disasters; a bunch of news about other countries and sports; and the BIG BIG Drama which “unfolded over several deeply uncomfortable days” and ended in a minister being briefly admitted to a mental health facility and broad discussions about mental health.  Consider if the US was as concerned about its politicians’ mental health when they did crazy shit :-). 

Oh also, this is my CEO at work on Friday (hee hee): 

So far this year Lime Scooters (people get hurt on them, and people break the rules and double ride with no helmets -- gasp!) and the potential of a capital gains tax have been in the news pretty much daily. And that’s about it. Boring? Yes! Nice? Also yes! Did you know NZ is the only country in the OECD to not have a CGT? Are you impressed with my knowledge of initialisms? Worldly is the word you’re looking for to describe me.

I know, it looks like I am pooping on a trail, but I am actually doing squats mid-hike IN A SKIRT.  Probably gives me enough credibility to become a world leader, or at least present these numbers for your consideration: 

Now that you have something to think about -- because you weren't already thinking about politics enough (sorry!) -- let’s turn to a less political, but more important spiritual and philosophical topic: The Art of the Road Trip.

Pro tip: It’s easier to be a Road Trip Rembrandt with the right tools -- like these:

Mountains + Vans = Roadtrip Masterpiece

I think I mentioned in an earlier post that one of the things we’ve been doing a lot of is road tripping. Not so different from Seattle, eh? True. But since we can surf so close to the house and we have such a beautiful country to explore and a slightly less active social life, the road trips are more frequent and more varied.  As we are all happiest when we’re in the flow and hitting the right balance between challenge and success, I guess it makes sense.  Because if I do say so myself, we are damn good at the road trip, but there’s no way to have 2 to 6 people in a small space with a lot of stuff and a windy road ahead and podcasts and music to choose without challenge.

#vanlifeisthebestlife.

Here’s a map of where we’ve been on our travels thorough the country so far: 

So what’s the art of the road trip?  Composition: 

And the science?  One part great music, one part planning, and at least two parts having a sense of humor and joy about all the chaos. 

Like when there’s no where for you to sit: 

My most recent road trips were extra awesome due to the fact that Leslie Lapham (AKA Alex, AKA LL) was here and we took off on a few fun adventures. Now, Leslie is great for a lot of reasons and it was super fun to have her here for 5 weeks...and one of her best qualities, she takes great pictures!

Here’s what I like to say about our first trip:  it started with a bang and ended with a bee sting.  

Here’s the bang -- this is what happens when some dickhead decides to pass you on the right at high speed on a highway while you are TURNING RIGHT into a campground: 

So, that sucked.  Especially because aforementioned dickhead did not stop to see if we were ok, just left us there in the dark on our own. Luckily the Taupe Donkey was still drivable and packing enough duct tape to make it work.  So, off we headed from Kaikoura to make ourselves feel better in the vineyards and wineries of Marlborough.  

The Cloudy Bay Winery was not a bad place to spend an afternoon!  

Watson’s Way (not pictured) was a really weird place to spend a night though -- we were basically parked in a gravel parking lot in someone’s yard.  But man, did we have some good food! 

Although oops, I accidentally tried to take a grapevine as a souvenir.  And I swear this was before I even did a tasting!

After wine tasting and an amazing dinner at Arbor, we headed to the Marlborough Sounds, starting at Havelock, the mussel capital of the world!

We did a cool tour on the mailboat, which literally delivers mail, packages, animals, groceries, and god knows what else (possibly the odd tourist by accident?) to the residents of the remote 300 or so bays in the region, which can only be reached by boat. 

We ate a lot, of course.  But we ordered more than we could eat. 

After that we headed south on the inland route and camped overnight at the Tasman Lakes National Park.  

There were eels, pretty views, and random dock yoga.  

And last but definitely not least, we topped off the trip by meeting Jason at the always fabulous Hanmer Springs Thermal Pools.  What a drive to get there, too!  I did get stung by a bee while I was soaking, which was a total and pretty painful shock, despite the signs warning people to watch out for bees.  Little fuckers! 

After that, back to co-working and a couple weekends in CHCH:

Then...Lois!!! 

Now this blog is not about all the visitors and it’s already so long I dare not start going on about having Leslie and Lois here together.  Suffice it to say we had some fun times, some great food, and after 8 hours in the emergency room we did a quick road trip to Oamaru.  There were PENGUINS!!!!

There were penguins!!! We saw them waddle onto the beach at dusk after swimming 50K through the ocean all day.  Alas, you cannot take pictures of them, so you’ll have to settle for 3 Generations of Wachsmuth Women in the Wild until next time.  XO. 

[the-mira-life-project-mtf]

My MtF~H.R.T. -- My New Family

THE END IS NEAR...

     I once dreamed of a time when I was caught in-between two ordeals:

     Love for the family that raised you, or love for the family that loved you.

     I wanted both, but was denied as the family that raised me ensnared me in my home whereas the family that loved me, changed me into someone new. This dream came again-and-again, stronger and stronger, vivid and warning me that it would happen after a terrible snow fell on the ground. Only problem, we were in a warming period and snow was pretty much non-existent! Then, like fate, the weather changed and a storm dumped over 2 feet of snow in one night...snow that the Puget Sound has never seen before. It was a once in the thousand-year event!

     My dream warned that once the snow fell, I would become near-death sick, and unable to leave...I would depend on the family that loved me to heal me and care for me...and this would begin the transformation. And sure enough, my lungs seized, my mucus turned green and I was fighting pneumonia with no access to antibiotics. My family, all over them, worked diligently to help clear the mucus from my lungs as we were trapped over a week in our home.

     I would lay there as the white icy snow fell outside my window as I thought to myself ‘My God...it is actually happening! I am living the part in my dream!’ I flipped through the pages as I looked for more clues of what would happen. The dream warned that I would have to face the end. The divide as I faded from my family and became someone new. The man that came for a week stay, would leave as a woman, a daughter of the family. It stated that I would attend their wedding, become part of the family and then...I would become part of the family, forever.

     Mira Carlene Messinger was my new name. The shadows of David remained, rekindled by friends who stopped by, but they did not disturb the fabric of reality as they all came to accept me as a transgender female. I no longer looked the same...it was a painful transformation...but in the end, I appeared younger and a reflection of the daughter that saved my life.

     Not only had my body changed. Mentally, I would begin to change. No longer longing for the family I left behind. My focus would be on the family I have.

     Unconditional love is a powerful vice!

THE TALKS CONTINUE...

     Back in May of 2018; the biggest doubt I faced with being transgender was that I was going to go through this all alone. That is why I created this blog, to voice my thoughts that I would have voiced with my family. There was fear of being discovered and the consequences that would befall my coming out. However, the Lord has blessed me with a new family, who loves me for who I am, even if it is Mira and not David.

     As I was writing this blog, Michelle message me with some exciting news that I have yet to consider.

Michelle: How was your day?

Mira: Not too bad, had garbage to burn and cleaning the garage from the Christmas light mess. Day started with driving my grandmother around, and almost fell asleep at the wheel. I remember saying to her, ‘I don’t understand, this is a new tank, but I feel nothing!’ as I pulled at the cord and found that I shut my oxygen cord in the door! Lol! Even with this dilemma, still had to drive! Otherwise, a nice day, how has yours been?

Michelle: Felt exhausted today, not exactly sure why. Was so happy to get home. Made some dinner and now just laying in bed watching some TV with Mitch.

Mira: I am looking forward to moving out that way...been gathering my belongings to bring in small waves. Tools, personal items, lights, books...things I don’t want to lose. I have been considering the process of moving and how to adjust...and to be honest, I look forward to it!

Michelle: Did you want the bookshelf in the bedroom for your books? If not let me know and we can take it out.

Mira: It is the cloudy weather that makes people exhausted! I tried to sit and work on my stories and reflection on the future...did not get far as work always finds me!

Michelle: I also have an extra nightstand in Logan's Room to put on the bedside that has 2 drawers in it. And then the closet has shelves for we can always figure something out for a dresser if need be.

If you wanna put tools in the barn, you can or anything like tools that you would use on a regular basis we have the cabinet in the old laundry room downstairs that we could use. I also want to clean out the cabinet in the bathroom so you can put toiletries and such and that bathroom.

Mira: I like that bookshelf and also wish to keep Amanda’s shelf on the bottom shelf (if that is okay with Mitch).

One moment to consider...I have not considered room design yet.

Michelle: You just let me know what you want moved out and what you want to stay and will make it work.

Mira: A dresser would be nice, have not had one of those in 15 years!

Michelle: Mitch is asking if you've told anybody yet?

Mira: No, I have not said a word about moving, waiting till our trip to the ocean is through, so I can focus on digging clams. It is a probability, but I fear that information could lead to terrible conflict...reason why I am gathering my supplies just in case.

Michelle: So you know, I did have a conversation with Lexi. She is very excited for you to move in with us as she feels that you stay much healthier when you're in our home. I did let her know about the changes that you want to make in your life and she is very happy at the fact that you will be free with who you are and that we are able to help you through the process. She is so open minded so I knew that this would be her reaction.

Mira: That sounds wonderful! I did not know what Lexie’s thoughts were. She is a very accepting young lady.

Michelle: Well you have a house key, so feel free to drop off anything you need to, here. Or come here and rest in the middle of the day if you need to or whatever the case may be. Also we can create storage in the loft if you have items that are bigger that you don't wanna keep in your room. There is also a wardrobe with a drawer up there. Better answer, I will try to get to that closet this weekend so that you can have places to put things. I also have baskets that can go on the shelves to hold different things. As far as your medication, you could always keep that in the top of the cabinet in the bathroom.

Mira: Perfect! I keep all my meds and equipment on a shelf in my room and extras in a closet. I use to keep it in the bathroom when my grandfather was alive, but since his death, I am only allow to keep everything in my room or in the living room. It is nice I can store extra stuff in the loft...don’t have much, but I’ll bring things that are important to me and can be used to help the family.

As for converting my name and identity; still too dangerous to do that publicly I feel. Once things settle and I feel secure in my new life, then I’ll ask to convert my name. We’ll have that conversation, but I see it happening probably by summer or just after.

Thank you to all of you for being so willing to adopt me (if that is okay to use); I believe Lexie (is it Lexi or Lexie, I am uncertain) is correct, my health is so much better there. Unconditional love is a powerful medicine!

Michelle: It’s Lexie :) Yes it is. Love is the Way.

Mira: Perfect, been spelling it correctly! Certainly, love is the way...just took me a year or so to realize that! Thank you for always reaching out, I know you mentioned it last night and I wanted to thank you and Mitch...again, it is something I’ve never experienced...and I cherish it!

Michelle: I didn't get a chance to ask you last night, but wanted to know if you plan to go through a complete sex change through surgery? Also meant to tell you, when you get the date of your port being placed, I'd be happy to go with you if you want.

Mira: I had plans to do so...as I see my HRT physician this month; but it probably won’t happen as my health is too poor to go under General. But much of my discomfort is because of my anatomy. It is weird to explain. Also, I feel that it is a family decision too, so we’ll cross that bridge when we get there. / I’d be honored to have you come with me for my port placement...still waiting on the surgeon...I am shooting for sometime in May.

Michelle: 👍  I hope you have a good night tonight David and I hope you sleep . We'll see you tomorrow.

Mira: I wish both you and Mitch the same, Hope tomorrow brings renewed energy! I will see everyone tomorrow! Have a pleasant night! 💜

Michelle: 💞

PASSING THROUGH GETHSEMANE...

     All moments of life can be easily broken down into moments of transition, regret and revelation. There is a terrible darkness that we must struggle against; it is the darkness of the soul that has lost its faith. The darkness is not power or principalities...it is chaos and despair! Great than the death of flesh is the death of dreams and hopes. Against this very peril, we can never surrender to the darkness. Our future is always around us, waiting in moment to transition, to be reborn in moments of revelation. No soul knows the shape of that future, or where it will lead us...all we are certain is that it is always born through pain.

     Just watch a few episodes of Babylon 5 and you will have enough philosophy to fill your life!

     There is a truth to the saying; all moments of transition and revelation must be traveled along the path of pain. Pain is what reminds us that we are alive! As I’ve endured, the death of hope and dreams is the worst conviction any soul could endure!

     As I transition through my old life and into my new life...I know that before the end, I must first pass through the gardens of Gethsemane (the place where Jesus underwent pain and torment and was arrested the night before his crucifixion) which ironically is my biological family and the beautiful garden I have created at home. There will be suffering, pain and in the end...death! Like Jesus, I shall be crucified for my actions and beliefs in my true purpose...but the death of David isn’t the end...there is a revelation in the end. Rebirth! A renewed life as Mira. From the darkness of my faithless family, to the loving light of my anew family.

     Sadly, like Jesus, I know when the end will happen and how it shall happen...yet, I must let it come to fruition...for the sake of my family, the sake of my adoptive family and the very sake of my life. The future is unknown to me, my new family is young...enduring, but lives on uncertain grounds. All I know is that my future is paved with pain.

     At first I was uncertain, scared to move...I have always returned home! Even during my college years in Tacoma. Home was always between the morning and evening sun. Yet, with the fragile nature of my illness...if I remain here any longer, I will die here...alone...or in a hospital, alone.

     There is so much potential as Mira! So much potential as Messinger. Even though I struggle against it; I’ve already been reborn as Messinger, since my near deaths of 2015...if it wasn’t for Amanda to constantly remind me to get checked for cystic fibrosis, I would have drowned on my own bodily fluids in the hospital. The treatments between asthma and CF are not the same...never even considered! Since then, my whole life has been an awaking, a re-purposing. A life to repay a life.

     Now, with the moment only days away...I no longer feel the grip of fear nor the cloud of doubt. I have began the process of preparing for my passing. I know that once my family is aware...the noose around my neck will be tightened! I have turned to another song to comfort me...

David:‘Where once was light...now darkness falls (my family after the death of my grandfather). Where once was love...love is no more (my family has abandoned joy, love and compassion for sadness, grief and disappointment).

My Biological Family: Don't say goodbye, don't say, I didn't try (my family’s rebuttal).

David & Mira: These tears we cry are falling rain (meaning that they mean nothing). For all the lies you told us, the hurt, the blame (the treatment my family gives as reward)! And we will weep to be so alone (in fighting cystic fibrosis and being transgender). We are lost! We can never go home.

Mira: So in the end, I will be, what I will be (my tribulation and awakening as Mira). No loyal friend was ever there for me (referring to my blood family as they never would come to the hospital unless I almost died, then only sometimes). 

David & Mira: Now we say, goodbye; we say you didn’t try (leaving my home for a new life, without remorse)! These tears you cry, have come too late. 

Mira: Take back the lies, the hurt, the blame (as I don’t want it no more)! And you will weep when you face the end alone (as a forewarning to my family to heed the path they are on).

My Biological Family: You are lost (as they disown me)! You can never come home.

David: You are lost! You can never go home (as sung to Mira).

     May is so far away...but also, so close! May...that is when I die! The old life of David, sacrificed and I will finally see the true spirit of my family. They may be able to recover from my genesis, but they will never survive my coming out. That is why it is imperative to gathered what I want to restart my life...as after May, anything left behind will be lost to the flames!

     It will be important to be strong, as a new sickness will set in: Remorse and homesickness. My new family must be strong, I must be strong! For what comes next will be harder then leaving home! I will begin the second month recovering from homesickness and face the revelation of presenting myself to the world. Most of my old friends...will leave me! However, new friends will be made. Then, comes to pain of holidays...the threat of a new sickness presents itself: depression.

     It is important to be true to myself, to allow myself to be loved and to love the family I have adopted.

MY SURVIVAL PLAN...

     APRIL

     In order to stay on track, I will have to be diligent to follow through:

     1) Gather all the tools that are my property, and gifted upon me to avoid legal conflict. This includes my drill bits, tool cases, power drill, Croana tools, shovels, rakes and camping gear. All this must be delivered to Messinger by 4-3-2019. Along with Christmas lights I have purchased. My rock hammers and first load of crystals and rocks. Basically, I need to fill my backseat.

     A second trip will be made on Friday morning (4-5-2019), prior to my trip to Silverdale to pick up my oxygen equipment. This load will consist of clothing and book. This load is important to keep simple as I will be operating around my grandmother, who could turn my genesis against me, but turning the family against me.

     (4-9-2019), Pack up my Mount St. Helens belongings for storage. Pack more clothes. Pack my nature books and more rocks. Pack camping bags and tents. Pack metal detector and DvDs.

     (4-10-2019) Last of the rocks, books, awards, vital papers and plants (if the weather is wet).

     (4-19-2019) Begin packing up items in my upstairs room...to maintain the illusion that I am still around. Begin moving things I don’t want to take to the attic as no one will go up there...only I.

     (4-26-2019) Last trip to Messingers with final articles of clothing, CPT machine, lamps, more Christmas lights, my cactus, poinsettia’s, bedding, fans, Krampus, books, extra medicine.

     MAY

     The genesis from my family begins as I am expected to depart for the Messinger’s as agreed to...however, once a week has passed...then the news shall be presented that I have decided:

     For the sake of my failing health:

To move into a home where I am not stressed into sickness,

Pushed into doing things that my doctors tell me not to do,

To remove me from the temptation of the outdoors which gets me sick,

To remove me from driving to the hospital which has almost got me into wrecks and lost,

To rely on the wisdom and experience of a father who has knowledge of end-stage cystic fibrosis and to prevent possible terminal sickness that I miss,

To remove me from the household which seems to be always sick due to their work,

Having a father and mother who is willing to perform CPT and healing,

Awareness of my failure to take my enzymes and to keep me on my oxygen that I don’t use always at home,

Can advocate for me when I am in the hospital and willingness to visit without me begging.

And a ever-growing network of friends who offer up prayers for my healing and have expressed genuine compassion and love for how I am...

     And for my transgender health:

I need a family who’s fundamentals are based on love and not deeds,

I need a family who has not lost their faith in God, Jesus, the Holy Spirit and community,

I need a family that focuses on being a ‘family’ and teaches community service like our family once did,

I need a family that appreciates me for not my deeds (as my health makes me pretty much useless) but for who I am,

I need a family that will not belittle me because I am transgender (nonconforming / fluid),

I need a family that will allow me to live my life as Mira, who has given me purpose and happiness...but is willing to guide and support me,

I need a family that will allow me to develop new interests and talents without making me feel bad,

I need a family that will allow me to correct my physical and chemical identity,

I need a family that will work with me, not use me as a workhorse, or denigrate me for things I can’t control,

I need a family where I feel safe as Mira and will not retaliate or physically and/or mentally harm me.

     To The Bruer Family:

I am aware of my end-stage nature and know that you can not take another possible death, after the death of my grandfather and Kiera...you need time to heal without my distraction,

As noted, I place a burden on the cost of food, thanks to my digestive failure, and my absence will reduce your bill and allow you to eat what you like. This will help your limited budget and save you money. This will also benefit me, as I need to loose weight for my lung transplant and as I am adjusting to a Messinger diet, I have noticed that I loose weight,

With my absence, my constantly running oxygen equipment, CPT, computer, machines and lights...this will greatly improve your light bill,

With my absence, you will not have to endure my changing body and feminine nature that I have chosen. You will not be required to use my name or face the backlash of my uncles like Mike and Lee who are ‘near-violent’ against the LGBTQ,

With my absence, this gives you back the living-room and sun porch to make use as you like.

     Once I have announced that I have decided to leave--with the following above--then begins the change. By the mid of May, I will begin to change my media platforms to my new name. This will begin on April 26th 2019 with me using my new name at my new PCP who will oversee my transgender health. I expect to lose 20% of my social network to the change.

     I am expecting to battle homesickness, but the adoption of my new last name will be me adjust and I will spend most of my time at the gym, at gigs and working on my new property.

     JUNE

     My second month living with my family, I will begin the process of legally changing my name.

     Make a decision about my care at Cedar River Clinics, and announce my new intentions and good news. Have my blood draw to measure my estrogen and testosterone levels.

     Decorate the property for the 4th of July and tend my new garden.

     JULY

     See how the Messinger’s celebrate 4th of July.

     I celebrate my re-birthday on July 21st. This is my first year anniversary on hormone replacement therapy and begin to consider SRS by next July. Set up my 2nd appointment with Dr. Worth.

     Head to the Christmas Light Swap to find stuff for Christmas and Halloween.

     AUGUST

     I attend Mitch and Michelle’s re-wedding, this time part of the family. I celebrate Woody Woodstock 9 ~ Mitchapalooza 4 as my Grand Coming Out with our closes friends.

     File my name change application.

     SEPTEMBER

     Become part of the Messinger family and attend the Bonding Ceremony. Face the winter months ahead. I will open up to Ryan and allow him to do my hair and make-up (something I never though I would say.)

     Photograph Josie’s wedding.

     Plan a romantic outing with my girlfriend, Ruth, to rekindle our relationship.

     Apply for new birth certificate and social security card, change my bank ID, notify all my debtors and medical providers.

     OCTOBER

     Begin decorating for Halloween and winterize my garden.

     Month six with my new family, I should expect a beckoning from my biological family to return home to do property maintenance. I will reopen a new offer to her periodically. Set up my 3rd appointment with Dr. Worth.

     NOVEMBER

     Celebrate my birthday.

     Prepare for Thanksgiving. 

     Begin to set-up for Christmas.

     DECEMBER

     Celebrate my first Christmas with the Messinger’s.

     2020

     Begin looking into SRS.