#it has been very nice to have a huge support system around us this whole time

[hcnnibal]

i always forget that my husband was my dad’s patient before i even … existed. but then my dad facetimes me and is just like hello son howre you okay good let me see my favorite patient

[jpitha]

Dreams of Hyacinth 22

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Nick woke up a few hours later. Sleeping in a dusty chair wasn't the most restorative of sleep, but when it's all you have had in the last twenty four hours, you take what you can get. He sat up, rubbing his neck - it feels like he was on his way to pulling a muscle - and looked over to see Eastern gone.

"Tink, where's Eastern?"

"She's looking at the 'staterooms' Nick. She's looking for the 'nicest' one."

Or at least the one with the fewest books in it.

Hah, good luck with that. Just pick one and my support frames will move the books.

Where though?

I'll find somewhere. I'm six kilometers long, I'm not all books.

Yet.

It's the dream Nick. I can only attempt to reach it.

Nick realized they were all communicating cybernetically before he realized what was going on. "Tink, you can connect into our cybernetic network?"

"Nick, who do you think invented that stuff? All you have is a version of the systems and connections we have. Take it away and an AI is just a BI in a mechanical body. Your cybernetics use exactly the same communication protocols we do. You can chat with any AI in their mindspace or over your network. It's how most of us talk to each other. We'll use OTA communication around BIs to be polite."

"OTA?" Nick was walking down the hall towards Eastern's location. Tinker Toy may be huge, but her living space was sparse and cramped. Other than the Command Deck, there was three staterooms, a galley and a lounge. Raaden's penthouse apartment at the top of Hyacinth One was larger.

"Over The Air. You know, with your voice?" Tink sounded pleased with her joke.

Nick rolled his eyes. He got the feeling that Tink loved joked like that, given how she labeled the display during the fight. "Tink... are you going to get in trouble with anyone for what happend at Hyacinth?"

"Get in trouble with who, Nick? Hyacinth? That ship has sailed. Sol? Who in Sol? You have to remember that over the past few thousand years, nearly everyone in Sol has been at war with everyone else. No love lost there. Hell, our little scrap might get us moved to the head of the line if we wanted to dock at Ganymede One, or one of the Free Cities on Titan. No stress Nick, nobody cares."

"If you say so..." Nick wasn't too sure though. As someone for who crime was defined as stealing trinkets, something as big as getting into a firefight with a whole orbital felt like it should be a bigger deal than Tink was treating it.

Nick found Eastern in the largest of the three staterooms, working with two support frames to move books out of it.

An AI can run all of the operations of themselves when they're a ship, but the fact remains that ships were originally designed for people - BIs - to be aboard. Systems can also be controlled by panels and consoles and stations and sometimes things need to be done on human scale. Most ships and all Starjumpers therefore have support frames. They're humanoid robots that can operate semi-independently or under the direct control of the AI. They help the AI out with tasks that they need arms and legs for. Use of the support frames varies greatly among the ships. Newer ones were designed almost completely to be used without support frames, while older ships make extensive use of them. Tink is very old indeed, and has quite a few support frames running around her taking care of little tasks that she can't easily do - as well as letting her read when she has time.

Nick, Eastern and two support frames spent the next few hours clearing books, vacuuming, dusting and repairing the stateroom. Some of the lights were out and the furniture was all sealed to protect it from the ravages of time. After not too long though, they had a nice, clean - if dated - stateroom.

"Wow, I haven't felt this clean in centuries. I should keep you two around." Tink sounded genuinely impressed. "I had the frames start cleaning the Command Deck too, and I lit the displays. Come up and see."

Nick and Eastern walked back to the Command Deck, and it was completely different than what they ran into just yesterday. The displays were up and showing pertinent information, the two main chairs were up and clean and set up for sitting, rather than high gee maneuvers. There was even extra seats that were apparently folded into the walls that were out and clean. "Tink, it looks so... professional now." Eastern looked around approvingly. "You clean up real nice."

"Hah, thanks Eastern. Just because I'm old doesn't mean that I hold no value, right? Come on, have a seat. Let's figure out our next steps."

They sat in the command chairs and the chairs gently molded themselves around Nick and Eastern until it was as if they were made for them. Nick had to admit he had never been in a chair so comfortable. For a moment, both of them looked at the displays and at the room, marveling how far they had come in just a day.

Eastern looked around and the smile fell from her face. "Tink, how long has it been since you've had a crew?"

"A real, assigned to me crew? I haven't had a crew since I signed on with a polity as an independent contractor. Let's see, the last place I worked for like that was... The Republic of Saturn."

Nick blinked. The Republic of Saturn was a short lived polity that attempted to tie all the free cities in orbit around Saturn and their moons together. Nick had only heard of it because of a history cast he had listened to while bored on Hyacinth. Eastern had no idea what it even was. "I've never heard of the Republic of Saturn Tink, how long ago was that?"

"Oh Gosh, around eight hundred years ago at this point? Right around when the wormhole generators were developed. RoS paid for me to get upgraded when they first became available." Tink either saw or anticipated their looks. "I've had them overhauled since then. They're all relatively new generators, you'll be fine."

Nick let out a breath he didn't know he was holding. "I only heard about RoS from a history cast I caught when I was bored. Didn't they last less than a century?"

Tink chuckled. "Yeah, maybe sixty years? They were full of heart, and really tried to make a go of things around Saturn, but everyone was just too far apart and too used to doing things independently. They just dissolved after it was clear that once the then current administrator died nobody was going to be able to win an election to replace her. Rather than devolve into petty in-fighting or worse, a war, she declared the RoS dissolved. She died not two years later too." Tink sighed audibly. "It was a good job though. Everyone was really trying to make it work. It was fun to be a part of something like that. They never missed a payday either, even when things started to fall apart."

"Is that why your staterooms are so nice? Did you carry dignitaries?"

"Oh, no. I mean, I did, but they didn't ride in my staterooms. When I had passenger duties with RoS they would slide in staterooms cubes into my cargo hold. You could slot in an entire hotel and make me a luxury liner in only a couple of hours. I think we did it once, I carried over four thousand people in opulent comfort. No, you're in Captain Nesmith's quarters. Jenny Nesmith was my last human captain. She was in the Republic of Saturn's Navy." There was a pause. "Ancestors, it was so long ago, but times like this is feels like it just happened. I look out at my clean stateroom and fully operational command deck and I expect to see them come in from the lounge or the mess, laughing and talking as they sat down and started work. It's been so long."

Eastern looked up at the ceiling. "Tink, are you lonely?"

Nick could have sworn he heard Tink take a breath, like she was trying to control her emotions. "You know Eastern, if you had asked me that question not two days ago I would have denied it until the Sun went out. But... having you and Nick here, and cleaning up my BI systems, lighting the Command Deck... yes. I was terribly lonely. So, thanks I guess. Thanks for hiring me, thanks for talking with me."

"It's no problem Tink, really" Nick smiled. "I'm glad we can help."

Another breath from Tink. "Okay. Next steps. After what you said about Empress Raaden and what's going on in Hyacinth and Sol you didn't just hire me to book it out of there. Unless you did, which is also fine. I'm happy to talk you anywhere you want."

Eastern looked at Nick. He nodded. "Tink, we're worried. Empress Raaden has already almost completely taken over Sol. She did it by buying it. She owns most of Sold now."

"Using her Voice to get people to give her stuff. I had wondered about that. I'm surprised that the previous Empress, Melody didn't do that too."

"Melody wasn't like that." Eastern was emphatic. "She was trying to help everyone."

"With sixteen or seventeen super dreadnoughts? Eastern, I saw the footage. They were larger than a Starjumper and could go atmospheric. She glassed three cities on Earth."

"I didn't say she helped everyone, she was trying to."

"I mean, killing everyone helps them escape being alive"

"Tink!" Eastern frowned.

"Okay okay, I get it. You liked Melody, and Raaden is more dangerous. And the last time there was an Empress with eyes on taking over, the AI faction came out of the colonies and free cities and attacked them. You want to reach out to the AIs?"

Nick nodded. "That was the thought we had yeah. But, we're two small time crooks from Hyacinth. We figured nobody was going to listen to us unless we got someone on our side."

Eastern continued. "That's why we sought you out. I searched the docking records for the oldest ship connected to Hyacinth. You fit the bill, so we hired you. We had hoped that if you believed us, you might know someone highly placed in the AI hierarchy and help us talk to them."

"I mean, it's a smart plan Eastern, really... " Tick sounded unsure. "But, I haven't talked to any of the other old AIs in decades. Centuries in some cases." Tink sighed. "So you know we don't have like... a country right? No real hierarchy. Every AI is supposed to be as important as any other."

"Sunny and Jameson and Yon and the other AIs we met on Hyacinth would disagree. Yon mentioned there is over one hundred million AIs in known space. Is that true?" Eastern was talking while she was playing with one of the screens on the Command Deck, cycling though the settings.

"I don't know our exact count, Ancestors I don't even know if we've done a proper census. That number sounds high, we probably should do a census - I'm getting off track, sorry. AIs don't have a country, we don't have a ruler, we're all supposed to be equal. It's not true of course, it never was, but that's how we present to everyone else. It's like... If you have a ship you're higher than those who just have a body. If you're old enough that you've had both, you're ever higher up. If you've been around long enough that you've swapped multiple times then you're probably one of the people we want to talk to."

"So who is in charge?"

"That's where it gets tricky. There's probably like ten AIs I could name that someone, somewhere said were 'in charge.' But, if they don't care, or don't want to get involved, it doesn't matter who we talk to."

"Tink, are you stalling? You're giving us all this history about AIs but not telling us who we should talk to."

"Eastern, I'm trying to explain that I don't know who to talk to. I have been out of AI politics for centuries. After Saturn, I didn't want to do anything. I took up cargo because I didn't want to get a body and I didn't want to deal with people anymore." Tink paused again. The room was silent save for the humming of fans cooling the displays. "Nick, Eastern. You were right in trying to find an old AI to be able to have the pull to talk to someone in the AI faction, but you picked me. I'm so old, and so out of the loop that I wonder if anyone will even recognize me."

"Oh Tink." Eastern's expression softens. "I'm sure it's not all that bad. There has to be someone you can call, someone we can talk to. Even if they're not in charge, they might know someone. It's not like we're on a time limit. If it takes a little running around, we're okay with that."

"And look Tink." Nick puts down his pad. "You've done a lot for us. You got us off Hyacinth, you kept us safe. You don't owe us anything. You can drop us off on Parvati and go on, safe in the knowledge we're not mad or anything at you. If you don't want to get involved, drop us off and we'll continue on. It'll be fine."

Eastern nodded. "It really will Tink."

There was another pause. "Ancestors. Are you sure you two are criminals? You're way too nice." She chuckled. "After all that, I can't just leave you two on Parvati, as nice as it is. I'm just... trying to manage expectations. It's not like I can link a beacon to the secret AI headquarters and get a fleet in an hour. We'll figure it out, and I'll get you to someone that can help. It's not like I have anything better to do, and it turns out I like having a crew."

"We're your crew now, not just passengers?" Nick smiled.

"You've been cleaning and moving furniture and you set up a stateroom. They're for crew. You're crew."

"Thanks Tink." Eastern grinned and looked down at the readout. She finally stopped adjusting it and was scanning the area. "Okay. So who should we try and reach first then? Give us the first name you can think of Tink, don't overthink it."

The answer came instantly. "Chloe."

Nick raised an eyebrow. "Who is that?"

"She's an old AI, like me. Used to be a Starjumper back before we had the wormhole generators. She had a nationalistic streak, always thought we should have our own country. If anyone would know who to talk to about a combined AI force, she would."

"When's the last time you spoke with Chloe?"

"Centuries, probably. I know she thought I was silly when I signed on with Saturn." She affected a voice that must have been her impression of Chloe. "Tink my friend, you are throwing your lot in with the wrong folks. You need to direct your energies towards our own nation." She giggled. "Chloe was nice, but always a bit... full of herself. I'll be interested to see if she's mellowed at all."

"Sounds like we have a plan then. Do you know how to reach her?"

"Hmm. It's been a while Nick, but I still have her contact coordinates. Let me link an beacon and see if I get a reply."

Across the vast distances of space, communication is difficult. It's not like someone can call someone else up on any kind of real time communication device. After the wormhole generators were developed, communication times got shorter, but the issue of reaching a specific person remained. What developed out of that was the idea of contact coordinates. Somewhere out in the blackness of interstellar space is an automated relay buoy. If someone wants to reach you, they link a comms beacon to that location, it receives the message, and then the buoy links a beacon to you. It's your responsibility to make sure the buoy knows your current location, but this way, you can be galivanting across space and not have to tell everyone everywhere where you are if they need to reach you. They just need to know your buoy's coordinates. It's not like one would need to change the buoy's location either, so if you gave out your buoy coordinates decades or centuries ago, chances are good people could reach out to you still. Tink knew Chloe's address, so she linked her a comms beacon asking for a meet.

"What now?"

"We'll just hang out here a few days Nick, see if we get a reply. I'd say if we don't hear from Chloe in a week, we won't. We can figure out what to do next after that."

"Oh. Okay."

"What's wrong Nick?"

"Oh, it's a good idea Tink, really. I just..."

"What is it?"

"I was hoping we didn't have to eat twenty year old ration bars for a week."

"Ancestors. I forgot you need to eat. Shit. Okay, hold on, maybe we can signal for a resupply from Parvati. We're in system, shouldn't be that big of a deal. Uh I'm a little low on funds though... any chance you can cover it? You are the ones eating after all."

Eastern laughed. "Sure thing Tink. We got it. Need anything else while we're calling in for a resupply? Don't worry about the cost, we stole a pile of money from the Empress."

Tink laughs. "In that case, yes. I need a few thousand rounds of slugs for the throwers, a rack of missiles - I'll tell you the specs if they're willing to place the order - new mass for the printers, and some spare parts that are difficult to print. My Stardrive hasn't run at 100% in centuries. If I'm going to be out and about again, I should get it fixed."

"Sounds like it's almost a refit."

"Nothing so large Eastern, just... getting me back up to full readiness. I think I'm ready to rejoin society again."

"Happy to help then. Let's call Parvati and place that order."

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[kndrules]

Could u tell/show us more of ur hcs for Abby? She's always been one of my favs

YAH!! I really have to sit and think about this, because sometimes I have headcanons that I forget are Headcanons, you know what I mean?

(haha this turned out to be extremely long so I'm putting in a read more)

Okay- so I think her dad is originally Canadian and is half Cree. Since Cree is named after her voice actress, and her voice actress is named Cree because she is Cree, it makes perfect sense to me. Her dad was living in France for some kind of medical residency situation when he met her mom and they started their family. We know that Abby moved to the United States when she was a couple years old, like Nigel did. The only reason I can think that cree doesn't have a French accent would be that she tries really hard to fit in. But with one north American parent, she probably spent a decent amount of time in the states growing up too.

I think her family is a comfortable upper middle class. I haven't decided what I think her mom does for work. I have a very specific headcanon about her family having a nice finished basement that has gym equipment in it, cuz that's where Abby and wally work out together. Sector V will often have movie nights in Abby's basement too.

This is clear in canon, but she has a great relationship with her parents. Cree does too. Their family situation is complicated since the sisters have so much animosity towards each other but so much respect for their parents and their family in general

Abby IS fluent in French, the whole family is. They visit France to see family about once a year. Abby isn't close friends with Angeline, but because Angeline knows Creole French and has a girlfriend who lives in France, the two have kind of taught each other how to speak the others native dialect of French.

As an adult, Abby is going to start wearing glasses full time. This is a headcanon I forget to implement when I'm drawing her though 😅

In middle school and high school, Abby is an expert at floating around different social circles. She's tight with the popular kids but still has no issues being best friends with the nerds and weirdos (sector v, basically)

Her and Rachel end up becoming close, but in a way that still feels vaguely like a professional relationship. This is because they were both soopreme leaders at certain points and they both deal with a lot of social pressure. As adults, they have a new kind of professional relationship because they both become the core of Nigel's support system when he's in prison. Rachel becomes his lawyer as soon as she's able to and she works closely with Abby, since she's his best friend and a social worker (not HIS social worker, but she still brings her knowledge to his case)

After turning 13, Abby and Nigel become teen operatives. When Abby is soopreme leader, she abolishes decommissioning. In my adult AU, the divergence point is the teen-kid treaty from operation TREATY. Basically, the treaty goes well instead of...going horribly. As a result, the GKND doesn't target earth in the same way, and decommissioning becomes unnecessary. The hard line between kid and adult was a huge reason that "adulthood" was such a problem on earth. Wally, hoagie and Kuki stop being field operatives as teenagers (they still do some stuff for the knd, but to a lesser extent), whereas Abby and Nigel become a hardcore undercover duo.

Abby is very busy during her teen years. Shes in the top of her class and does a few extra curriculars. She also tutors Wally and is the biggest support he has in terms of school. She gets into a good college and pursues social work. I don't think she stays in that career forever though, because she needs to chill out at some point.

There's eventually a huge scandal regarding Father's business practices which culminates in his arrest. When this happens, the DCFDTL enter the foster care system and Abby takes on their case personally, feeling a sense of obligation to help them. As I've said before, I headcanon that the DCFDTL cannot age. At this point however, I haven't worked out the kinks yet, but they're able to start aging again. For reasons.

Abby has a tumultuous relationship with Henrietta in middle and high school that ends with a very messy break up. While I'm grad school, Abby and Hoagie become each others biggest support and hang out all the time, which is how their romantic relationship develops. They get married and have two kids, Naomi and Hogarth (Garth) the Third.

I HAVE MORE TO SAY BUT Y'KNOW WHAT...this is getting out of hand so I'm going to stop. If anyone has more specific questions about Abby feel free to ask!

[betterbemeta]

A huge component of injustice in the modern world is flattening image and reality.

That has always been sort of timeless, and it's sort of part of how societies that skew heavily towards hierarchies use aesthetics as the means to clock the 'place' of a person, environment, or object. But given that many more people see... stuff, every day, thanks to the internet and advertisements the effect is not local to what you personally witness, it's extremely widespread.

Don't get me wrong-- the power to spread imagery has also had positive impacts. Modern anti-war protests wouldn't be the same without photojournalism that spread witness of war realities to the greater world. Images that depict ordinary people, and especially marginalized people in daily life are self-evident proofs of humanity and existence when art can be skewed by wealth towards being a self-portrait of the rich and powerful. Stuff like that.

But the structure of our world and how it thinks and breathes now is still very powerful and all tools will reinforce that first unless purposefully turned against that structure. The power to assert reality is also the power to create alternate reality and you can see it every day today. Entertainment and news are blended together in new ways. "Lifestyle" content depicts curated imagery as a form of reality, often imagery that reinforces what a successful person looks like, what a rich person looks like. Or the ideals people with that wealth would prefer others hold.

I challenge anyone to find an 'aesthetic' or 'curated imagery', 'a look that invokes emotions or a sense of intuition' that 1) isn't just a form of discrimination like racism or sexism or ageism, or bias against fat or disabled bodies, and 2) can't be achieved by borrowing items, cooperation, paying artists as you have ability to, collecting secondhand things, travel to another location, and a time investment (something that our modern world blames working-class and poor people for having if they don't have money, tries to eliminate.)

'You actually CAN'T tell anything from the image' is the core of many seemingly baseless freakouts by hierarchical conservative mindsets. In fact, it's the most effective way to sell those mindsets to people who don't have any wealth at stake: fear that they can't discern actual reality, a need to control the images around them instead. Transphobia and also control of gender expression in all people. Bias against those who don't have or don't publicly display markers of hitting certain life goals like marriage or householding. The need for poor people to 'look poor,' the insecurity of the middle class in physical space and the resulting surveillance culture in many neighborhoods, the hatred of any marginalized classes enjoying luxuries as 'tacky', or even just seeing them in public. Hatred of seeing children they do not control in public. Thin people of the majority race in plain clothes as 'a fit' but fat people and people who aren't the majority race in plain clothes as 'not caring enough,' and more.

Hell, even the whole 'hatred of piercings dyed hair tattoos' thing plays in. It wraps 'the bliss of the Other being easily identified by Shibboleths, even when they're my same race' and 'I need others to look the same around me, I don't want to stick out as living incorrectly,' in a neat little burrito. Both of which easily are gateways to, 'Support for Austerity: Poors Don't Get Nice Things, 'How To Clock Queers,' and finally 'Nazi Phrenology.'

Caring so much about imagery seems like a vanity thing. But the anxiety is actually about 'reality' and seeing conflicting images that 'compromise it.' Flattening complex reality into imagery that can be sorted without fail onto a hierarchy has always been a part of top-down, oppressive structures. Think like, feudal systems where the only art or imagery that has power 'belongs' to the church, to magistrates, or to nobility. But now with the ability to broadcast images to the entire world, hierarchy's alternate reality can feel like it envelops the globe.

[worldsentwined]

oooo 1, 7 and 17!!! what fascinating questions!!

Right?? These questions are fascinating but they are also COMING FOR ME SO HARD hahahaha

1. what are 3 things you’d say shaped you into who you are? Here is another one for my therapist lol, I feel like I am in a constant state of picking apart what made me Like This. In a fun turn of events, I now have 3 asks in my inbox and all of you asked this question, so each of you is going to get one third of this answer in your ask. So here's Thing Number One!

First and most Obviously Traumatic is getting diagnosed with type 1 diabetes at age 10, which has had a huge impact on how I think and how I manage my life. Pros: this has wired my brain to Stay On Top Of Things* and go to the doctor regularly and create routines that will support my overall health etc etc. I'm very good at managing it, to the point that I don't even realize how much extra work I'm doing until someone points it out, and it also makes me predisposed to handle other things in a similar way. Cons: if any piece of this careful system gets disrupted (lose my job and therefore health insurance, forget to pick up a prescription, insulin pump breaks**, etc) I WILL DIE. Or at least, some of these things could kill me, so that is what my anxiety tells me whenever anything disruptive happens. Additional con, I have SO much anxiety. Apparently this is what happens when your brain has to do the job of your pancreas. *while typing this last night I realized something had gotten Very Fucked Up with my insulin pump supply order, which so derailed me that I had to save this as a draft and come back to it a day later. Which gives a bad impression of the competence I'm describing, but the supplier for my insulin pump supplies is so incompetent that it negates all of my efforts on a regular basis. **my insulin pump breaking and the ensuing anxiety spiral around choosing a new one is the thing that finally got me to find a therapist. Which, thank god I did, but still.

7. what scares you the most and why? I didn't mean for the last question to segue into this when I started answering it, but see above for one of the top contenders. I'm afraid of a lot of things, to the point where I can't often articulate what specifically scares me about a situation, but "catastrophic failure of the medical device keeping me alive" is pretty clear-cut. The fact that I've been through it once and survived it does not seem to help. I do actually have contingency plans in place in the event of something like that happening again (I have to keep a whole separate kind of insulin around that I keep throwing away without using it just in case my pump breaks and I have to go back to injections. Which makes me furious, but that's another post) but it's still terrifying.

17. name 3 things that make you happy Thank god this question is last haha, I need to recover from the first two.

Singing! And music in general, but getting to be Part Of The Music is a nice bonus. It has been really good to have a group of people to sing with on a regular basis, and now that I live by myself I can just wander around the house singing whenever I want.

Going for walks in the park. I was so mad when I accidentally tricked myself into having a regular exercise routine a few years ago (this was also for diabetes anxiety related reasons) but yeah it turns out that going outside for my silly little lunch break walk is good for my mood as well as my blood sugar. Also sometimes I get asked for directions by tourists and it feels nice if I can actually help them.

Weirdly specific one, but people remembering my dietary restrictions (have to eat gluten free in addition to being diabetic) and cooking me food or choosing a restaurant to accommodate them without having to be reminded. Some of my friends (who cook a lot of stir fry and other rice-based stuff) keep a bottle of tamari around specifically so they can use it instead of soy sauce if I'm coming over.

[sysmedsaresexist]

Alright, friends, it'sssss

SHITSTORY (SHIT HISTORY) WITH 🌟 SAS 🌟

Before we get into it, I've checked in with OP, and we're going to have a nice, respectful conversation, I don't want anyone sending any crap to OP, from here on out it's sources and discussion, not argument

This post may be a bit jumbled, but I hope it's largely clear

The vast majority of this information has been archived on @pluraldeepdive, we thank them for their service 🙏

So, I think a timeline might be best

Many Voices was a newsletter for pwMPD. It was started in 1989 and you can read all of it!

In 1991, alt.sexual.abuse.recovery was created, and hosted a very large community of CDD systems. In 1994, this usenet group became ASARian incorporated, and it would become host to peer support, web hosting, unix shell accounts, and DID/MPD resources.

Also in 1994, alt.support.dissociation, would go on to become the longest running group for people with dissociative disorders. It's still active today!

I bring these three up because of another post I saw.

1995 is when we start running into problems.

Astraea's web would be the first website to discuss non-disordered plurality. Go and search everything you can, use every search term you can think of, check every archive you can access. I assure you.

It starts with Astraea.

(This conversation does not and will not touch on spiritual and religious plurality as used in the DSM, that's a different conversation that I'm happy to have, but exists outside of the history of endogenic and non-disordered plurality, up until much more recently when it was twisted to infer proof of endogenic plurality (it's not))

Astraea would go on to coin "natural multiplicity" around 1996. They theorized that multiple personalities were not a disorder and occurred spontaneously instead of developing from trauma and dissociation [x] [x]

Astraea was, and still is, one of the biggest names in syscourse. They started the movement and maintained it. What's important at this point in time is specifically what they're saying to and about CDD systems. At first glance, it sounds good, but when you actually look into their sources, when you put it all together, it paints a picture of extreme ableism and saneism. It showcases highly dangerous ideals that has harmed many, and will continue to do so. There are highly credible claims of plagiarism, misattribution, and a strong anti-psychiatry bias on Astraea's Web.

@pluraldeepdive the above link is broken, any chance you can get one that works?

Thank you!! Working link

This is the start of the endogenic community (see 2014, when natural multiple is replaced with endogenic because "natural" implied, often directly by those using the term, that CDD systems were unnatural). The name changed, but the ideas did not. These ideals are ingrained in pro/endo talking points, to the point that many of the plurals I've spoken to don't even realize that what they said hurts.

Natural multiplicity wasn't just about non-disordered plurality, it was actively anti-DID.

Astraea and the natural multiples would go on to boycott the diagnosis and take steps to try to remove it from the DSM. Keep reading, we'll get there.

In 1997, natural multiplicity would morph into a monster. Out of the natural multiplicity movement would spawn the "empowered multiples."

Empowered multiples put a huge focus on functionality and were separate from, what they called, 'survivor multiples'.

Tumblr doesn't like when I try to edit paragraphs with links, so here's dark personalities. It's gross. You won't enjoy.

I'm trying to pick some choice quotes, but they all kind of suck, and I can't quote the whole thing, so... this, I suppose.

However, if you were to meet [an empowered multiple] in real time, you probably would not even realize [they] were a multiple because most people expect multiples to be either psychos or sniffling babies who can't handle anything.

They have a very low view of people who find use in the medical model and therapy.

In 1999, MultiGardens formed, but it was short-lived. Shortly after, the person who originally coined empowered multiplicity would make a statement that it was never meant to exclude survivors and they hadn't meant to cause so much conflict. Despite saying that, they continued to bash survivors and those who wanted fusion and therapy.

In the early 2000s, things take a sharp turn for the worse. The push to separate plurality from CDDs starts with Astraea. This is the article you linked, and we've barely started. We still have 20 years to go.

I highly suggest you give this post a read about Dr. Allison and the way Astraea presents the article.

It's at this point that natural multiplicity becomes a "movement." The purpose of this movement was to establish that plural experiences were not pathological. Participants in this movement often insisted that childhood trauma or abuse could not cause plurality or multiplicity.

Even today, the plural association continues to push that pwCDDs are just looking for someone to blame for something they already had (that they were multiple prior to abuse and would have been multiple without it-- with heavy implication that we're simply broken versions of endogenic systems that hate ourselves because we're pluralphobic. No really. That's the entire article.).

The problem is that those in the movement adopted the DID diagnosis despite acknowledging that it wasn't what they were experiencing (or could it be that plurality and CDDs are two different things?), and rather than talk about it, they just took to boycotting the diagnosis as a whole.

And they thought that the medical terminology was dehumanizing and derogatory, and rather than create new words, they just continued to encourage everyone to boycott the diagnosis as a whole.

I'm just going to quote PDD directly here.

Psychotherapy for DID was also denounced despite many participants never receiving such treatment. For example, the Astraea group had stated they were not diagnosed and had never been to therapy at the time [4:"Is it possible to know or discover that you are a multiple without ever having been diagnosed by a professional?" section]. Yet, on an essay encouraging the boycott of diagnostic labels, Astraea claimed that "[a]s a diagnosis, MPD/DID does not help multiples in the long run. Doctors and insurance companies make $$$ off us but are WE helped?" [3:"Removing Diagnostic Labels" section].

Discourse and REAL political activism to remove DID from the DSM continued for the next TEN YEARS. I highly suggest this post and this one for seeing what Astraea was up to, with screenshots and direct links.

Ah, fuck, this one, too.

We haven't talked about the misinformation yet. I don't know that I can cover all of it. It would take an entire blog-- oh. Pluraldeepdive exists!

None of this even touches on Lancers or Pavillion-- the cruelest of the entire natural and empowered multiples.

Wait, is that the layman's guide you're trying to link to?

The one created by these guys?

Why yes, it is.

The association between non-disordered plurality and the natural multiplicity movement was solidified, and the damage was done. "The primary messages given by the non-disordered multiples [...] is that multiple personality is not a disorder and the anti-survivor message that multiplicity is natural and not caused by abuse." [X]

In 2014, endogenic was coined, as mentioned above, to be less offensive. The past was never addressed and buried. People deny all of this happened.

For a large chunk of the community, endogenic then became synonymous with the movement, with all the same issues as before. Just with a nicer name.

And here we are, in this great year of 2024, linking to Astraea.

This post is directly adjacent to this entire conversation-- plurality being coined as the anti psych alternative to multiple, and how everyone is going back to multiple again so we can do the whole song and dance one more time.

I think... that's it??

Violently slamming the fact that DID and other "Dissociative Disorders" related to Plurality were made by Ableist doctors who believed in "False Memories" and had MANY patients come out about being abused and/or the Integration forced upon them causing them to be unable to function due to the lack of their Headmates

Anyways, please read This, I feel it helped give a lot of light on why you honestly shouldn't bother interacting much with 'Anti-endos' and 'Sysmeds'

I know we posted the link before but certain,, posts keep popping up on our dashboard.

(The link outside of text: https://www.astraeasweb.net/plural/allison.html)

Also, for anyone who does read that I feel the need to say (if the information does actually reach you): Do NOT be ashamed at using the term DID for yourself, or anything mentioned to be "Bad" in that text. If you can go without using it, obviously it could be great if you would, but if it's the most comfortable term for you then you're under no obligation to stop using it for others comfort. Same goes for plenty of other stuff.

Also: Go check out the other plural post we made, Specifically the one mention Layman's Guide To Multiplicity. (Though, if you can't find it, here's the Link) ((Note: The website doesn't load very well on Mobile, so you may have trouble reading it on a phone. It's still able to be read, but it may feel a bit annoying))

[horizon-forbidden-sheesh]

Writing Process: Google > Scrivener

When I began writing, I already had plenty of material to work from! For more details on this, read the Preamble. 💋

⚙️ When I began work on the fic, I was working in Scrivener, adapting first-person journal entries I'd drafted in my phone's Notes app. I wanted the full fic to be third-person in order to develop the background motivations for multiple characters. Scrivener gave me plenty of space to hold all the journal entries, timeline notes, and dialogue scraps I didn't know what to do with yet.

I originally planned for 10 Chapters, at ~10k words each. My initial outline looked like this:

I The Bulwark II The Kulrut III Returning IV Rest V What Was Lost VI Waiting VII The Scorcher (👈🏻 After 26 chapters and 90k words, we are currently here.) VIII Rebellion IX Endgame X Finale, or Returning, Reprise

However, I was quickly burning out due to the length of each chapter, and after asking around in Discord, I had a sinking feeling readers would be overwhelmed.

What I Did Instead:

At a certain point in April, after about ~6 months of on-again off-again drafting, I got fed up, a little drunk, and chopped up my enormous existing chapters into smaller chapters: five, to be exact. That night I posted the first one, ironically called 'The Last One.'

While I have been very selective about chapter titles, at the time, I didn't have a title for the whole shebang. But I was wine-drunk and flippant, and said "Oh just fuggin pick something u bish." So I called it 'The Marshal,' because it was just vague enough, y'know?

(I absolutely would have called it 'What I Choose,' if it didn't already exist.)

I told myself I'd post weekly. Just the first 10, ending in that bittersweet conversation Aloy has with Varl about Rost. It gave me 5 weeks to figure out how to write 5 more chapters. And I was off to a great start with 6 & 7 drafted in advance.

But then I got this comment on Chapter 6: "Looking forward to the Kulrut Hopefully we get some more of our power duo fighting together 😁"

I was... absolutely planning on skipping directly to the dialogue scene after the battle. And based on what I'd already plotted, I would need to squeeze in an extra chapter to get'er done, pushing out my 10 chapter outline. But I REALLY didn't want to disappoint anyone, especially if they were LOOKING FORWARD TO IT?!? 🥹

I was also traveling at this time, away from my computer and my stupid, bulky Scrivener file. So I whipped open a Google Doc and started firing on all cylinders to write a new Chapter 8 complete with Kulrut battle scene. And lo, I discovered:

⚙️ Writing in Google Docs gave me SO MUCH MORE FREEDOM. I could access my drafts from my desktop, my tablet, and my phone. These days, I write mostly in bed on my tablet, which is a FAR cry from the early days staying up till 2am at my desk.

It was extra comfy, because Google Docs is where I do all my client work. As I've mentioned: IRL, I'm a copywriter/project manager for print & digital design work. Mostly, I build websites, but as a freelancer, I work on a wide range of projects and the tools I use need to be flexible & accessible to a wide range of audiences.

The Google Suite is perfect for that, and I have a simple filing system for all my projects to keep things nice and neat. My writing work fit perfectly into that system, and the same flexibility & accessibility really supported my writing process.

Here's what my file folder looks like these days:

Which frankly, is a lot easier to navigate than this dumb Scrivener sidebar:

I finished chapters 8, 9, & 10 in Google Docs. I'm still really proud of myself for taking the leap and posting. Sharing your work is scary! Or at least, it was for me.

I'd never written ANYTHING on this scale before, and it felt like a huge accomplishment. I'll be honest, impulsively posting that first chapter with a short runway and a clear end-goal made it a LOT easier to be accountable. I would recommend this strategy to ANYONE!

Tips & Takeaways:

🖤 Consistency is key, but I've found it comes at a price. Trying to post once a week in perpetuity will slowly bleed you out. Wait to post until you have at least half your content under your belt, and set a clear end date—if only for your own sanity.

🖤 Be flexible in your outline!! In both Part 1 and Part 2 I ended up with an extra chapter that pushed my intended finale into the next season. I'm still glad I had an outline, but I'm grateful I left room for it to change. (This is something I would have had a LOT of trouble with 5 years ago! Personal growth FTW!)

🖤 When you start to feel like writing is just biting concrete, find the most fun way out. Is it writing the most exciting scene you can think of? Or is it looking at what you already have and finding a new way forward within your existing structure?

🖤 You're gonna be stuck with your title for the long haul, so make sure you like it. Or at least that it's something you can tolerate.

🖤 Do what feels natural. Everyone is different. If you're like 'okay yeah, but I really like writing by hand and then editing as I transcribe it' do that. Go bananas. Have a ball! Find your own way up the mountain. These tools may work for you, or they may send you into the pit of despair. And you should always avoid the pit of despair.

🖤 Write sober, edit drunk.

xo, Sheesh

[eyecicles]

I don't know if you've already answered this but: I think we all agree that Kira's ideology is flawed but can you please highlight the reasons for it being so? (Apart from the obvious one being: killing people is wrong.)

I have lots of thoughts on this, but one thing that makes this a bit difficult to answer is that Death Note isn't realistic enough in some regards. I very much doubt that Light's actions would, for example, really be that effective as they tell us in the story. And that's okay, because it's not a scientific study or anything close to it.

So in the story, the main problems are moral ones. Not just because “killing people is wrong”, but also because Light acts as an absolute global authority—whether people want him to do that or not. Certainly no one asked him to do that. Those are the points clearly communicated by the narrative.

Beyond that, and what doesn't seem to matter in the story, are problems such as:

1) Light spends too little time thinking about why humans commit crimes.

What he says here is obviously extremely simplistic and fails to consider, well, everything that makes people act "evil". This brushes the huge role society plays in the most vague manner I can imagine, haha.

You can, of course, never hope to learn how to fix an issue if you don't even try to locate the source, the root of it. That's why scientific research, empirical evidence and learning from history is so vital in the real world. People have tried to simply brand certain groups of people as evil and tried to get rid of them—for various reasons—for centuries, and not only weren't we ever successful, this sort of thinking is what got us the worst atrocities.

2) Light never seems to consider the fact that all countries have different definitions of certain types of crimes and how they get reported. This is one of the reasons certain countries seem to have an especially large issue with one or several types of crimes, even though those crimes in question aren't necessarily committed at a higher rate than on average. If he truly wanted to know for sure if the person he killed is, in his eyes, evil, he would have a lot of studying to do. Similarly, he realistically would have a hard time finding the names and faces of people he wants to kill in certain countries. To be fair, this issue is never addressed, so we don't actually know what Light thinks about this. Or if he cares at all, if his actions still have the desired effect.

3) What about people who got wrongly accused or framed? That’s an issue every criminal justice system has to deal with, but it would still have been nice if we had seen Light give this some thought. He aims to do better than the criminal justice system, after all. (But I suppose he mainly just wants to be more radical.)

4) How exactly would he guarantee that everything he’s done isn’t undone pretty much as soon as he’s dead? Even if he had been able to choose a successor who perfectly executes his wishes, for how long would that there have to be perfect successors? Similarly, what would happen if the Death Note got destroyed? It’s possible that Light had something in mind and that we just don’t know, but it’s still a fact that a system that relies so much on one instrument—the Death Note—which can be destroyed, is very shaky. Enduring social changes takes a lot of group effort. But at least he recognises that people as a whole need to rethink how to deal with “evil” people, so he knows it’s not just on him. He even counts on people coming around to support and help him, as soon as they see how he makes the world a better place, allegedly.

5) If “evil only gives birth to evil” is true, what does Light want to do about people who do evil things that are perfectly legal? Now I know that Death Note touches on this, but there are thousands of ways in which you can indirectly hurt people or even get them killed with your actions. And ironically enough, people who do that knowingly but legally harm society in a much larger way than those criminals Light kills. It kind of comes down to my first point though, because while Light has contempt for people who get rich of the suffering of others, he never questions what allows those people who act like that in the first place.

Still, besides all that, we can’t deny that Light’s plan work out pretty much how he intended. I’m sure some finer details don’t matter much to him, since to him the ends justify the means. He just needs to kill enough bad guys in as many places as possible to change the world, basically. And Death Note isn’t a political story, so I do get why they haven’t touched upon certain issues.

It’s also very possible that Light, after getting officially recognised as an authority worldwide, would have worked with world leaders to get to the, uh, bureaucratic side of his plans. In any case, terrorising the world until enough countries accept him and his new order is something he almost achieved.

[shurisneakers]

harmless (vi)

Summary: Bucky volunteers to go stop a small time villain, but nothing can prepare him for what exactly he has to deal with. (Bucky x villain!reader, drabble series)

Warnings: cursing, existential crisis, frustrated bucky, dramatic reader, lil bit of angst, clint barton being a lil shit

Word count: 1.9k

A/N: BUCKY BARNES IS BACK AND HAS A CONFIRMED PERSONALITY 

also omg everyone who’s been sending me ideas- ur the lomls. 

if you have any ideas for future inventions/evil plans, lemme know! i might actually end up using them

here’s my ko-fi if you’d like to support my writing <333

Previous Part || Series Masterlist

Your place or mine? ;)

He stares at the text.

The right answer is mine. See you at the lair.

“Y’all are dating now?” Clint peeks over his shoulder. 

“Fuck no,” Bucky says indignantly. “God forbid.”

“Okay, man,” he retracts, giving Bucky space to turn around and face him. “What do you want to call your mini dates then?”

“Missions,” Bucky corrects him.

“No one wants to go on a mission. You volunteered to go back there.” 

“It’s for the good of the tristate area.” 

“I bet.” The snort he lets out contradicts his words. “Whole world is depending on you, Barnes. Go save them from the treachery of your crush.”

“Enemy.”

“Girlfriend.”

“Mortal nemesis.” Bucky narrows his eyes at him. “Go further, I dare you.”

“What are you gonna do? Choke me? Punch me with your metal arm?” Clint cranes his neck. “Bring it, big boy. I’m not scared of some kinky shit.”

He hates living here. 

The door is left open for him. 

This time, even though the lair is still illuminated by the green light out in the front, there’s a minor change. Sunlight streams in through a skylight in the roof. 

There’s a ladder there, leaning against the rim. It gives him an entrance to the roof, which, judging by the lack of any other presence in the lab, is where he’s supposed to go.

As he gets closer he notices there’s a note on one of the rungs.

‘Evil’ with an arrow pointing upwards.

He rolls his eyes, discarding it on the floor before swiftly scaling the steps.

“Ah, Mr. Barnes,” he hears your voice call out even before his head pops up above the surface. “We’ve been expecting you.” 

He pauses, looking around. “Who’s with you?”

Because other than the gigantic machine pointed up towards the sky, there’s only you with a visor and sunglasses. The  best way he can describe its design was that it was shaped like a pine cone, had a large antenna pointed towards the sky, two handlebars near its base to manoeuvre it with a large button in between them. 

“Just imagine I have my henchmen with me,” you urge. “I’m on a budget, man, I can’t afford them yet. Maybe when my cloning machine finally works-”

He doesn’t answer.

“It’s a James Bond reference,” you add when he doesn’t show any signs of answering. 

“Haven’t watched it yet.” Bucky shrugs. “We’re doing Star Trek right now.”

“You’re done with Star Wars?” you, receiving a nod in confirmation. “Nice. You’d find the spy shit ridiculous anyway, it’s way below your level.”

“I’ll keep that in mind.” He makes a mental note to add the Bond movies to the list. 

“Speaking of stars,” you begin, gesturing to the machine. “I’m going to harness the power of the sun.”

“For what?” He doesn’t bother asking how, he already knows you’ve figured out something. 

“There’s a science exhibition and my team’s stupid solar car experiment isn’t working and I need it for them to win.” 

“So build a better one.” 

“No, ours is the best and if Jeff and his stupid baking soda volcano beat us then we’re going to have a murder on our hands.”

“Your hands,” he emphasises. He has nothing to do with this.

“I said what I said, boy.” You glare at him. “This is our problem now.”

“How much power are you taking?” If it’s insignificant enough, it wouldn’t matter much. He thinks. 

“The whole thing.”

He laughs. He stops when you don’t.

“You’re taking all the energy of the sun to power your shitty science model.”

“Your face is a shitty science model,” you mimic him in a higher pitched voice. “I will do anything to win.”

He wonders which grade kid you stole that insult from was in. There’s no way they were anything older than 13. He could use it on Steve, maybe.

“Everyone on Earth will die.” He feels the need to remind you, even though there was no way it was actually going to take place. Eat shit, Clint. This superseded the tristate area.

“Not for eight minutes.” You look at your watch. “And, if Jeff dies then I win by default.”

“You’ll die too,” he points out. 

“I’ll die a winner.” You nod seriously as if that makes it better. 

He’s not that worried. Experience tells him that you’re not a mass murderer willingly. 

“You’ll die an idiot.” 

“Only if you don’t stop me.” Your lips curve into a smile. “And how will you when I do this?”

You yank the machine to point towards him and slam the button. His hand reflectively pulls in front of him to defend himself. Something hits him with enough force to send him skidding backwards slightly. 

He removes his hand carefully from in front of him, looking at you. 

Something feels off.

“You just-”

The knives strapped to his thighs suddenly feel heavier.

“Took your powers?” you finish his thought. “Yeah.”

He feels his body tip towards his left. He’s suddenly very aware of the weight of the arm. Had it been this heavy all this while? 

“You’ve barely changed,” you noted, “You’re just regular Bucky but like, 20% less beef.”

After all, he was a boxer when he was a teen. One of the best men the Howling Commandos had even before the serum.

His shoulder feels heavier though. And somehow he thinks he’s sensing things a little less. He can’t really hear the faint buzzing of the generator downstairs anymore.

“Yep, that’s real muscle.” He turns when you poke at his shoulder. He doesn’t know when you got there. “You’re like a modern day Schwarzenegger. Grade A beefcake.”

He can’t see the construction site near the horizon as clearly as he used to. 

Something about this situation makes him feel like he’s going to have a midlife crisis, even though he’s overshot the age by a huge number. No one has a midlife crisis at 106. 

“Now that we’ve established that this works,” you say, back near the machine again. When did you walk there? “Let’s show this bitch that I’m the brightest star allowed in this solar system.” 

He shakes his head to jolt himself awake, shoves aside his mental dysfunction and breaks out into a sprint when you pull the device down to aim it at the sky. 

He latches onto the side, using his left hand to pull himself up, straddling the machine.

“Excuse me,” you exclaim like it’s a minor inconvenience and he feels the machine sway wildly under him. “You’re weighing it down, get off my inator.”  

You’re shooting recklessly, trying to shake him off. It’s not dissimilar to the mechanical bull Natasha made him ride during a mission down south so she could win money off placing bets on him. They had lobster that night.

He reaches down to its side, hoping to feel maybe a panel he can rip off. He finds nothing.  

He hopes none of the rays are actually hitting anything. It’s a little harder to stay on than he’d imagined it would be, and he thinks that maybe this wasn’t the best plan. 

He changes his mind in a split second, swinging himself over so that he can climb the underside of the machine like a monkey bar. He feels like a fucking insect. How was Peter not mortally embarrassed? 

He factors in the fact that his hands are getting clammier and his grip is slipping faster than usual. Also, he can taste his lunch at the back of his throat.

“Motherfucker,” Bucky curses when his hand slips, leaving him to hold on only by his metal arm. 

“You okay?” you call out, not giving him a second to recover unless he really needed it.

He lets out a grunt, swinging his arm up and catching hold of the antenna, yanking it down and towards the machine itself. He pulls himself up so that he’s straddling the machine again. 

One more shot and-

“Very smart, Barnes,” you say dryly, letting go of the handles. 

He sends you a sly grin before sliding down the barrel, kicking the large button with his heel right before he jumps off. 

The beam shoots out, instantly meeting with metal. The device automatically gives a mechanical groan before powering down, turning off altogether. 

“I hate you,” you huff, before noting his paleness. “D’you want some water? An IV maybe?”

He dismisses it with a wave of his hand, inhaling heavily to catch his breath.

He’s tired, more so than he would have been under any normal circumstance. He feels a little dizzy, a little disoriented. 

“Don’t worry, your magic powers will be back in a few minutes or so.” You examine the bent antenna, pressing the button and sighing when it stands there lifelessly. “Once Jeff wins, I’ll send the dry cleaning receipt to you. You can pay to get the tear stains out of the kids’ outfits.”

“Your tears or theirs?” He’s relieved about the powers returning, he thinks.

“Both, bitch.” Your eyebrow quirks at his retort. Clearly, he had more energy in him than people realised; his brain seemed to be working fine. He was stronger than you thought. Good for him. 

“You’re smart. You’ll figure something out.” He lets out a final exhale before standing up a little straighter. 

“Thanks. It’d be better if you asked your billionaire tech genius to send us something, but okay.”

“It’s a middle school science exhibition. Make a potato battery or something.”

You tsk-tsk. “No points for creativity, Mr. Barnes.”

It creeps into his mind without warning. He wonders if he actually wanted the powers back. Wonders what his life could be if he maybe retired, settled down. For the brief time he feels like his pre-war self, he starts to think like his pre-war self.

“I’m not the one who’s about to lose to a baking soda volcano,” he finds time to respond, however. 

“Your face is a baking soda volcano.” You narrow your eyes at him. “I will not lose.”

“You’re running out of time. Chop chop.”

But the thought hits him. Who is Bucky without his super soldier serum? If he doesn’t have his powers then he can’t think of what use he is to the Avengers.

Who the hell is Bucky if he can’t provide a service to others? How else does he make up for being himself?

His, what he’s now deemed, afterlife crisis is starting to look more apparent.

He compartmentalises and stores it away in a box. He’ll bring it up with his therapist later. 

“I’m going to win and then you’ll be sorry you weren’t a part of it because you didn’t let me steal the sun.” 

“If you win, I’ll still be glad I didn’t let you.” He climbs back down the ladder, feeling the ache in his muscles reduce with every passing minute. 

True to your word, his powers do return a while later. 

And while he’s watching Avatar: The Last Airbender with Peter in the living room two days later, his phone beeps with a text. 

It’s a picture of a blue first place ribbon next to a toy car that looks like it’s powered by a potato battery. Beside it is an out of focus middle finger that is aimed at him. 

Congratulations, he texts back. Told you potato batteries always win.

Your face always wins, he receives in return. He can’t tell if you’re insulting or flirting with him. 

He just shuts his phone off and goes back to watching the show. 

Next part

[dreamwritesimagines]

Burn The Witch 13 - Trouble [Bucky Barnes x Reader]

A.N: Thank you so much for your wonderful support and feedback my loves ! ❤ Here’s the next chapter, I hope you like it as well and please let me know what you think! ❤ Thank you! ❤❤❤

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Female Reader

Warnings: Enemies to lovers, fake dating, mentions of blood, sex, violence, death, manipulation, language, guns, knives.

Summary: Fights can be inevitable.

Series Masterlist

Oh God damn it.

This mission was not supposed to include anything from your real life, and it certainly was not supposed to include your real life ex-boyfriend.

Not only was this going to make things very, very complicated, it also put the entire operation in danger. No part of the background that was specifically created for your cover had any details on your ex relationships and you didn’t think you would have to come up with something now.

Well. For what it was worth, you weren’t the one who came up with it.

“Just joking man. I’m her ex-boyfriend but no worries, I pose no danger.”

Bucky didn’t even dignify that with an answer and you heaved a sigh, trying to control the anger bubbling in your stomach.

“Yeah,” you managed to say, “Yeah, we used to—um, we used to date.”

Bucky frowned, “Didn’t you say you moved here two months ago?”

“I did move here two months ago.”

“We used to date back in Oregon,” Julian explained and Bucky huhed.

“Yet here you are.”

“Yeah you know, the big apple,” Julian motioned around you, “I just got a job here and I figured I could come and see Y/N. Small town people have to look out for each other, you see.”

You gritted your teeth, watching him with narrowed eyes.

“She took you there yet?” Julian asked Bucky “Cannon Beach?”

“No,” you answered on his behalf and Julian clicked his tongue.

“I guess you could take him with you when you visit next month,” he said, “Surely you are visiting next month?”

“I don’t think I am.”

“Come on, no way.” he said, his voice filled with disbelief. “It’s sand castles contest time, you love that contest!”

Right.

Julian had always been the best at playing the civilian and memorizing the back story of any cover. He was great at lying and that was why every mission you had gone on with him was that easy, he could fool anyone.

Including you.

“She came in fourth place two years ago, she made this dragon castle, you should’ve seen it.” He told Bucky, and you rolled your eyes.

Fourth place.

Easy enough to make someone believe, hard enough to find a trace of on the internet.

Julian was an asshole for sure, but he was a great spy and now you were beginning to remember why though every mission with him was a success, you had still avoided it even before your break up.

This was what he did, he took over every single assignment, no matter who was the leader.

Not this time. This was your mission and your mission only.

“Y/N, did you….” Julian let out a chuckle, “Did you tell him about the time your grandma caught us at the—“

“It was good so see you,” you cut him off, glaring at him “But you should probably go now, I’m kind of busy.”

Julian paused only for a moment before holding up his hands, gesturing surrender.

“Okay,” he said, “It was nice to see you too. Again.”

“Yeah, sure.”

“It was nice to meet you Bucky,” he said, “Take care of yourself, Y/N.”

He walked away from you and you closed your eyes for a moment, leaning your head back to the wall.

“Fuck this shit,” you murmured under your breath without even realizing it wasn’t something your cover would say, and opened your eyes to look up at Bucky.

“Was he bothering you or something?” he asked you and you scoffed.

“Please,” you muttered but then pulled yourself together. “He’s not…that type no. Just annoying, that’s all.”

“Are you sure? Because I can—“

“No,” you shook your head fervently, “No, please don’t. It’s fine, it’s just— who he is.”

How dare he?

How dare he try to take over your mission? You had put so much thought into this, coming up with multiple strategies, trying to convince yourself that-

That you were doing the right thing. Even if you felt yourself getting lost in this cover, it didn’t mean that Julian could swoop in and take this over as if you were a rookie agent in need of help.

This whole assignment belonged to you, not to anyone else.

If you were going to betray Bucky’s trust and feel like the most terrible person in the world, the least you could do was not let Julian take the credit.

“I didn’t know you were coming,” you attempted to change the subject and Bucky tilted his head.

“Come on Y/N, don’t do that.”

“Don’t do what?”

“You don’t have to pretend like it’s fine,” he shrugged his shoulders, “I mean you don’t have to pretend, ever.”

Okay, this was too much. You could almost feel your defenses going up, the whole hangover and stress and anger and now Bucky being able to tell you were faking something, it was all getting the best of you and if you weren’t careful, you would say something you would regret later.

“I’m sorry?”

“I just,” he took a deep breath, “Sometimes you’re like…too good to be true, you know? And Sam has this theory that you’re—you’re somehow you’re doing this for me or the people around you but you don’t have to.”

“You think I’m pretending?” you asked, your voice coming out way too defensive for your own cover but you could hardly care.

You were slipping, and you didn’t have the luxury to slip. It seemed to take Bucky by surprise because for the first time since you had met, you were-

Aggressive. That was the word. Less like your cover and more like your real self.

“I didn’t mean it in a bad way,” he said and you let out a bitter chuckle, nodding.

“Yeah,” you said, “Okay. I’m kind of busy you see, I have so much to do at the shop so I should probably go back inside.”

“Y/N—“ he started but you pushed yourself off the wall.

“No it’s fine,” you managed to say, “This is me not pretending, for the record. I’ll see you later I guess.”

With that, you walked past him and went back to the milkshake shop, fury still poisoning your insides.

                                                 ***

You could hardly wait until you could go back to the base. Even though you thought that by then you would have calmed down, that didn’t seem to be the case.

You were fucking good at your job, and you were going to prove it to anyone and everyone. Without any help.

“Is he here yet?” you asked Chloe who rushed to greet you as soon as you stepped out of the elevator into the base and she cleared her throat.

“Who?”

“Don’t even, I know you heard what happened,” you cut her off and she shifted her weight.

“Yeah. I read his report.”

“Exactly. Where is he?”

“Okay, before I tell you where he is I feel like it’s important that you remember we’re not supposed to kill our own agents,” she said, “The paper work is a nightmare.”

“Where is he?”

“Keith says it’s considered rude to kill your team members.”

“Chloe,” you looked her in the eye “Where is he?”

She heaved a sigh, “In the training room.”

“Great, more weapons to use,” you muttered as you walked away from her to walk downstairs to the training room. Anger was pulsing through your veins and you kicked the door open, making the pair currently trying to hit each other stop.

“Get out,” you nodded at the other agent and Julian let out a small chuckle before he wiped his face with the towel. The agent rushed out of the room and you narrowed your eyes at Julian.

“You look upset,” he commented, “Want to exercise it out of your system?”

“What the fuck was that?”

Julian uncapped his water bottle to take a huge sip. “Come on, I saw an opening-“

“You made that opening,” you cut him off, “And crossed the line.”

“Oh please,” he waved a hand in the air, “It worked out perfectly fine.”

You could barely control your voice now, “You almost blew my fucking cover!”

“I would never,” he said, “Trust me, if anything I did you a favor.”

You dug your fingernails into your palms, “A favor?”

“Yeah. Guys love competition, an ex-boyfriend being in the picture will even speed up the process.”

“This is my mission.” You said through your teeth, “You don’t get to make spontaneous decisions without running them by me first.”

“When was the last time you had a proper fight?”

“I beg your pardon?”

“You always get cranky if you haven’t had a good challenge in a while,” he stated, “A good fight. I take it your boyfriend doesn’t tire you out enough?”

The innuendo wasn’t lost on you and you let out a small chuckle.

“You couldn’t tire me out if you tried.”

He tilted his head, “Is that a promise?”

You shot him a look and lunged but he easily dodged you, scowling.

“Come on Y/N,” he taunted you, “I won’t hold back, you shouldn’t either.”

“Oh don’t worry, I won’t hold back.” you grinned at him and darted to grab at him but he twisted your hand to push you back, making your back hit the wall. You pulled your hair into a ponytail and jumped to wrap your legs around his neck, spinning in the air to shove him to the ground. As soon as you both fell, you straddled him and pulled the dagger out of your boots to raise it and slam it to the ground right next to his head. A sly grin pulled at his lips as if he was having the time of his life.

“Look at you babe,” he said, “You got even better.”

You were very, very aware of the position you had both found yourself in. You used to find this whole thing hot, it was like foreplay to you. Mock fighting, training, all of it -especially with Julian- it used to be your second favorite activity.

Now, all you could think about was just how much more fun it would be with Bucky.

Maybe Julian was right. Maybe you were just a wild card.

A smirk curled your lips and you leaned in slightly to lock your eyes with his, looking down at him.

“My mission,” you growled. “Not yours. The next time you try to control what’s mine, I won’t be so nice.”

You pushed the dagger into your boot again and got off of him before storming out of the training room, still trying to keep your anger in check.

For some reason, you had a feeling it wouldn’t work.

                                               ***

No matter what you did for the rest of the evening, it just wasn’t enough to calm you down. Now to think of it, it wasn’t even completely about Julian and his nonsense, it was because—

You didn’t want Bucky to think you were pretending, even if you were.

Just because it was a cover, didn’t mean your reactions and the happiness you felt with him was fake as well. But he could still tell something was off— Sam could still tell something was off despite your best efforts.

Great.

You poured wine into your glass and changed the channel, trying to decide whether you should go and bug Keith or not. You heaved a sigh and tore your eyes from the screen to lean your head back, nibbling on your lip.

Dealing with feelings was much more difficult than taking down a target.

You groaned to yourself and took a huge sip of your wine, but before you could grab your phone you heard the doorbell ring. Your head shot up and you grabbed your gun to walk to the door, but as soon as you looked through the peephole to avoid yet another mistake like actually opening the door to Julian, you froze.

Bucky.

….Fuck.

“Um- just a second!” you called out before rushing to your room to hide your gun, then quickly looked around the apartment to see if there was anything that could tip him off. Overall, it looked perfectly civilian and you ran a hand over your face to pull yourself together.

Your cover was supposed to be angry at him.

You threw your shoulders back and walked to the door to open it, then leaned sideways to the doorframe, your lips pulled into a slight pout.

“Hi,” you murmured and his gaze lingered on your shorts and flimsy tank top before he looked away for a moment.

Ah.

Compared to 1940s, it was almost the same as you opening the door in your underwear.

“Hey,” he said and held up a small box of bagels. “Listen, I know you’re angry but um…I was hoping we could talk?”

Out of the corner of your eye, you saw Keith’s door opening and he stepped out but as soon as he caught the sight of Bucky on your doorstep, his eyes widened and he froze. He quickly fixed his jacket so that it would cover his gun tucked into the back of the waistband of his jeans and gawked at you.

“What the fuck?” he mouthed and you got momentarily distracted, causing Bucky to follow your gaze over his shoulder to Keith.

And Keith, the badass spy, probably the only spy in the whole division who could give you a hard time in a fight, whom you had seen take down five armed soldier by himself with no weapons-

He waved at Bucky.

“Hi- hi neighbor,” he stammered as he turned to you and you shot him a forced smile.

“Hi.”

“Thanks for the cookies, I was going to bring you your plate the other day,” he said, “Do you need it now?”

Translation: Do you need back up?

“No, no,” you shook your head, “No worries, it’s fine.”

“Alright then. See you later.”

You cleared your throat and took the box from Bucky.

“Come in,” you turned around to walk to the living room, hearing him close the door behind him. It didn’t take him long to step into the living room and his eyes darted around as if trying to take in as much as he could. You figured it was natural, homes always gave clues about who their owners were.

Not to mention, as an ex-assassin he was automatically finding the nearest exits and things to use as weapons.

You would know. You did the same thing whenever you were in a new place.

You peeked into the box and frowned.

“What is this?”

“To be honest with you, I have no idea,” Bucky admitted, “It’s supposed to be a bagel. I just asked the guy to give me the most modern and weirdest combination.”

“Is this—is this glitter?”

“He said it was edible glitter, yeah. With lavender and cheese with honey.”

“Why is there two of them?”

He put his hands into his pockets. “I figured I could try one.”

You blinked a couple of times, “You want to try a lavender cheese honey bagel with edible glitter.”

Even the sound of it seemed to be painful for him but he pressed his lips together and nodded fervently. “Mm hm.”

You tried to stop the smile threatening to warm your face and put the box on the coffee table before looking up at him.

“Bucky, listen—“

“I’m sorry,” he cut you off, “That comment back there, it was so uncalled for.”

You crossed your arms, “Why did you say that though?” you asked, “Is that—is that what you think?”

“No,” he shook his head fervently, “Of course not.”

“Then?”

“I don’t know if I can give an explanation without it sounding incredibly weird to you.”

“Try me.”

“I didn’t mean it in a bad way,” he said “It’s like— the way you are, it’s like someone somehow looked into my whole life back in 40s before everything and saw every single detail of what I wanted and made you.”

Yeah. That was exactly what you and the division had done.

“I’m not used to…” he motioned at you, “This. It’s like you’re too good to be true, like you’re perfect, does that make sense?”

A dull pain flipped your stomach and you stared up at him, trying to ignore your throat tightening before you went to sit down on the couch.

“I’m not,” you rasped out, “I’m not perfect. You’ll see it sooner or later.”

That right there was as honest as you could be with him. You rubbed at your eyes and grabbed the wine glass to take a huge sip as he sat down beside you, his gaze fixated on you.

“I’m sorry too,” you said, “It was an overreaction, it’s just… Julian’s effect on me.”

He stayed silent for a couple of seconds as if he had no idea how to approach the topic.

“Rough break up?”

“You could say that,” you scoffed a laugh, looking down at your glass, “I mean….you think you know a person, right? And they have no problem with proving you otherwise, prove that you didn’t know them at all. They—they betray your trust and everything was a lie all along and—“

And just like that, the realization hit you like a ton of bricks, making you stop talking.

You were doing exactly the same. It was just another version of the betrayal you had seen from Julian, and you were doing the same thing to Bucky.

He thought he knew you, and you would prove him otherwise, and betray his trust and walk away when this mission was over. In fact, by the time it was over, he would hate you even more than you hated Julian.

You cursed under your breath and took another sip of your wine, trying to ease the crushing guilt making you feel almost breathless.

“Sorry,” you managed to say, “I didn’t mean to unleash it on you, I just don’t want him anywhere near me.”

“I could pay him a visit if you want?”

You pulled your brows together, distracted for a moment before you tilted your head to the side.

“What?”

“To warn him to stay away from you.”

“Uh, I appreciate the chivalry,” you said, “But I can take care of myself.”

“Never said you couldn’t,” he pointed out, “It’s just the old-fashioned thing.”

“Oh the old-fashioned thing?” you repeated with a smile and he shrugged his shoulders.

“Yeah,” he said, “You know, taking care of my girl.”

You thought your heart would leap out of your throat as the warmth spread through you before the idea of betraying him hit you once again. The words felt like they were trying to escape from your mouth, the urge to come clean getting heavier and heavier before you leaned in to brush your lips against his, making him wrap his arms tight around you to pull you closer. You settled in his embrace, the back of your eyes burning but you blinked a couple of times to get rid of tears. He nuzzled into your hair, inhaling your scent.

“Can we stay like this for a while?” you asked and he smiled, pressing a kiss on top of your head.

“Sure thing,” he said and nodded at the TV screen, “What is this movie about?”

“I don’t know, it has cars and criminals,” you said, the guilt making you feel almost nauseous, “Bucky?”

“Hm?”

He would never understand what your confession actually meant, but you felt as if you would choke if you didn’t say it.

“I like who I am when I’m with you.”

A chuckle rumbled in his chest before he reached out to caress your cheekbone.

“Makes two of us darling,” he murmured, “I like who I am when I’m with you too.”

A bitter smile curled your lips and you bit inside your cheek to control yourself, sniffling inaudibly before you closed your eyes, enjoying his warmth.

Chapter 14

[furiosity-wills-the-cat]

Chara, the fourth Blook cousin:

A crack theory that accidentally become way more serious than it should have because it somehow, despite my best efforts, ended up making sense

Brought to you by my idiot conspiracy brain (affectionate) and by encouragement from my Tumblr followers

Under the cut for the sake of your dashes and sanity

Ok here we go my very elaborate accidental theory, because in order to answer the complex questions simply you must first make simple things more complex or something

First, you need to know that Chara became a Blook cousin by adoption.

All of the Blooks are adopted.

Ghosts are not born into families, they make their own.

Got it? Great, because we’re about to start running

so first, im gonna make surprisingly uncommon claim in this fandom, and I am going to say that undertale ghosts are all dead

I’m taking the tiny details we know about ghosts and sprinting with them to new places

Ghosts also do not have souls I decided

Undertale souls do not work the same as souls in traditional mythology

So every ghost is soulless Unless and Until they become corporeal

Evidence: Monster souls cant exist without bodies, and ghosts are monsters, therefore ghosts cannot have souls without bodies

Further evidence: Asriel doesnt steal blooky’s soul, blooky is unkillable, we have no concrete evidence that blooky has a soul

What about mettaton? He only has a soul after he has completely committed to being corporeal and to a specific body.

Also maddy and mettaton are both only killable while corporeal

Im also connecting the dots we have about souls in a new creative way so let me live for a second

Additionally, i am going to claim that there are a lot more ghosts than just the blooks, some evidence given below

Theres like actual scientific knowlege of ghosts in the undertale verse which seems unlikely if theres literally only three or four

The underground is so much bigger than you think, theres that giant forest in snowdin, a large town in the ruins, the huge city of new home, who knows how much space in the large open areas of waterfall etc. Its really really big okay

Also based off evidence of blooky, we can conclude that ghosts can turn invisible whenever they want to and/or haunt objects to hide

So I personally think that ghosts are, generally speaking, extremely reclusive

And the blooks are just a special exception, a beautiful family, amazing for them

So anyway im going with typical ghost lore for now, for the sake of ease, so im gonna say ghosts generally come from monsters who are particularly restless or unsatisfied when they die

HOWEVER i dont think they remember being monsters or anything before being a ghost. They just kinda fizzle into existance with a fully formed personality and immortality while being unkillable and feeling vaguely uneasy

ALSO i personally think that chara was a ghost for a long time before they became a blook by adoption

Based on game lore, i think ghosts can possess any inanimate object and just kinda wear it? But it takes a lot of strong emotion to become corporeal

And chara is the super weird exception because they were a human not a monster.

They dont have a soul (i headcanon that their soul got destroyed when asriel died)

And they KNOW this, which is a huge part of why they kinda just... give up

Because they lost their ability to fulfill prophecy

Also, without a soul, they lost their ability to reset, so for the first time since falling underground, theyre subject to the relentless march of time

But theyre still weirdly strong and powerful and more emotional

ALSO they DO still remember being a human but they catch on pretty quickly that other ghosts dont have memories and because chara is stupid they just lie to fit in

Theyre too tired to explain themself, they just want to be alone and feel awful

Now back to ghost lore

Emotions are a lot harder for ghosts??? I decided

And they dont know why,, they tend to blame it on the soul thing

But realistically its actually more of the immortality thing making actions not have consequences and/or or not having a body so they cant have a sense of touch or have physical effects of emotion

They all know that ghosts just tend to be way more floaty and bored and numb

And thats part of why the blooks are so special

Maddy’s rage and Mettaton’s yearning and Napstablook’s misery are like... not great all of the time...

but theyre also way way more emotion than most ghosts have,,, they are just a family supporting each other, being as functional as they can,, just an emo(tional) ghost family

most ghosts barely do anything except like stare at walls but the blooks have their snail farm and that helps them have purpose and it is good

And they hold each other accountable and it is nice

So anyway chara just chills and is in a depression coma for a few decades before the blooks find them and are like “our child/baby cousin”

and they raise them for a cool minute

They are all very protective of the new baby emo blook

And chara doesnt get therapy but at the very least they once again have a family, and they decide they want to try to become corporeal eventually just like mtt and maddy

So anyway chara starts hanging out in the ruins a lot more and they finally tell the blooks theyre leaving to go become corporeal in the ruins

This is actually because they are trying to hang out with toriel

because they miss their mom ;;

but chara’s not gonna admit that to anyone, especially not to themself

And because theyre still repressing their emotions constantly and pretending to be fine, they cant become corporeal

And they hang out in the ruins for a long time because they feel guilty lying to everyone about everything

They still feel like its their fault that all the monsters are stuck underground, because they were SUPPOSED to save everyone and they COULDNT and it HURTS

But again, they are doing too much repression to use this guilt to become corporeal,

so instead they just kinda hide and watch toriel from a distance and cry

Blooky visits them the most, thats why blooky is chilling in the ruins so much at the start of the game

Theyre just there to visit their shy baby cousin ;;

Ofc they wont tell frisk about this because chara wants space and privacy and blooky respects that

but maddy and mtt also visit them a lot

Oh also when mtt and maddy start dissapearing, blookys mental health plummets as their family and support system starts to dissolve

Blooky was actually doing extremely well (for a ghost) for a long time, i headcanon,

but theyre doing the worst theyve been in a long long time during the game, because of family issues

So anyway, chara dissapears when frisk shows up, and maddy assumes this is becaude frisk hurt their fragile feelings

Maddy spends hours desperately searching the ruins for chara and cant find them and assumes that they had their heart crushed and went to hide and disappear in a depression coma for another few decades, and thats part of why maddy is so furious with frisk

Like,, to be clear, maddy is still jumping to conclusions and throwing blame around with no proof, but also, its a logical conclusion to come to

And mettaton has already disappeared too and been gone for a while, too, by this point, so it hurts even worse

But anyway, what actually happened to chara is that;

Because chara is a human ghost, not a monster ghost, normal ghost rules dont apply to them

And they can possess living things too they find out

Maybe they knew it a long time ago, maybe its a new discovery, but for whatever reason they end up possessing frisk and theyre like “what the heck”

And frisk still has most of the control

But now chara is like,,, “this is my chance, im a human again, gotta save the world for real,,,”

and they cant explain this to anyone without revealing their past

so they just chill in frisk’s mind while being super crypic and trying to figure out how it works

Pacifist route, this is pretty much exactly what happens

They manage to help frisk save the day

And in my headcanon, the no mercy route is started by frisk who is scared when faced by monsters attacking them

And then chara, who was aready hiding in a semidepression coma for a while, immediately transitions to a panicked “gotta protect this body, gotta protect my chance to be human, i died and threw away my chance to save everyone the first time, i CANNOT lose this chance again”

And so the combination of both frisk and chara is the genocide run

Because frisk kills in self defense, and whenever frisk hesitates, chara jumps in

Also theres leftover feelings from the whole asriel incident

Because again, ghosts come from monsters who died unsatisfied

And chara’s main source of unsatisfaction is how they were trying to get asriel to kill people before he died and then he didnt

So thats a strong strong feeling ruling them

So anyway by the time they both realize how bad its become they figure its too late and also the amount of LOVE has made them numb

And thats when chara who, despite everything, still has idiot hero complex and thinks they need to save the world

So, while panicking, they step in at the very end, and erase the timeline and delete everything

And also to clarify

They DONT HAVE this power at any other point in the game

Because, guess why

They become corporeal

Just like maddy, the no mercy route is the only thing that gives them strong enough emotion to spontaneously become corporeal

So they become corporeal and as soon as they have a soul again and can reset again, they just erase everything

Ok back to fluff

Post pacifist route, they are still a non corporeal ghost

They can still float around and look just like the other blooks

And it takes them a while to open up about things, but they do end up moving back in with blooky so that blooky isnt completely alone

And also they do way better with a family

Also they can float through the mountain and talk to flowey down below and bring him news

And now that they know about him, they can bond with him and explain that they dont have a soul either but that doesnt mean theyre worthless

Oh ALSO

The other dead humans dont have ghosts

BECAUSE

ghosts only come from restless dead MONSTERS

and chara is the weird special exception

Because they were a monster when they died

They became a ghost and asriel didnt because they were way more restless and stressed than asriel was when both of them died

Like sure, asriel felt awful, but chara was the one who was way more like “this is my fault, i CANT die now, the world NEEDS me”

So anyway

charablook the emo tween ghost and asriel flowey the eldrich goat daisy are siblings once more and they hang out and eventually they are okay and have a family again

Thank you for reading, this has been my thoughts on a crack theory that accidentally went too far

This isnt even everything, maybe i’ll make a part two eventually, but i promised to have this post out like two days ago, so i wanted to post SOMTHING

Anyway leave your thoughts if youd like

Im not looking for people to disprove it, i already know its crazy, i dont think it was intentional by the game writers, but i do think its a fun concept

thats the fun of it, so if anyone wants to run with it im all for it lol

Thanks again! Have a nice day!

[imagines-r-s]

sticking it

chapter 9 

a/n: idk why this chapter took so long, but here it is. for reference - in gymnastics, US Championships are the last meet before Olympic Trials, they’re a two day competition. any feedback is welcome. i’m kinda upset that this series (or at least this part) is almost done, but there is more to come with this series i promise. also had to repost bc it wasn’t showing up in the tags 

taglist: @butgilinsky @barbienoturbby @sunsetholland @lovenhlboys @sortagaysortahigh @hockey-racing-fubol @oopsiedoopsie23 @iwantahockeyhimbo @dreamsndior @itsurgirlgracie @heartshapedkissxs @lwstuff @handwrittenheroes

warnings: uh, i don’t think there’s anything, but if i miss something just let me know (the jamie mentioned is jamie oleksiak, not j b*nn)

sticking it masterlist

wc: 5.8

(not my gif)

“Are you sure that you have everything?” Joel asked for the twentieth time in the past hour, “we can run back to yours if you need anything else”

“I feel like you’re just trying to get me to stay with you longer,” you said, skeptically.

“Is it working?”

“No, Bee, I have to leave at some point,”  you said, putting another bag of yours in his car,”I won’t be gone long.”

“Yeah, but you’ll be closer to the Stars and that has me worried,” he said, causing you to chuckle. 

“You worried about Seggy? Or Roope? Or Big Rig? Or Mi-”

“Okay, I get it.”

“Don’t worry your pretty little head about it, I love you and only you, shawty. Besides, I can only tolerate Texas weather for so long,” you said, leaning up to kiss him on the cheek.

“I love you, too, shawty,” he paused,”Wait,- that was rude.”

After packing the last of your bags into the car, you made your way to the airport to meet Marcus and Michelle. Once you arrived at the airport, Joel parked the car before the two of you headed into the airport. The four of you caught up for a while before Marcus suggested giving you and Joel time to say goodbye. 

“Is this how it feels when me and the guys leave for the road?” Joel asked, softly. 

“Yeah,” you said, smiling sadly. 

“Well, good thing I’m the one on the road all the time, I mean, I don’t like leaving you, but when I’m leaving it’s a different feeling, you know.”

“Well glad it makes you happy, buddy.”

“Did you just buddy me?” Joel asked, incredulously. 

“Did I?” you asked, laughing as Joel gasped in shock.

“Wow, I see how it is. I’ll remember that.”

“Go ahead, babe. Remember it however you want,” you paused when you saw the sad look on his face, reaching to hold his face in your hands, “hey, I’m only a text away, I might not be right here, but I will answer as soon as I can and we’ll facetime as much as you want these next few days.”

Joel nodded before looking up and seeing Marcus and Michelle headed your way, “we hate to cut this short, but we have to get going pretty soon.”

“I know I asked, but do you really have to go?”

“Yeah, Bee, I really have to go.”

“You better kick ass out there or else you’re just leaving for nothing,” he said, jokingly, “but honestly, I wish you the best of luck - I know you don’t need it, but I’ll say it anyway. Make sure to tell Nicole I said good luck and please make sure to wipe that smug look off Kathryn's face. Okay?”

“Yeah, of course,” you said, wrapping your arms around him as he pressed kiss to the top of your head. “I’ll miss you.”

“I’ll miss you, too, but if you don’t go, the only thing you’ll be missing is your flight.”

“Wow, Bee, you are so funny.” 

“Well, one of us has to be the funny one in the relationship. Your mom jokes only get you so far far in life, babe,” he said, causing you to elbow him in the stomach. 

“I’m leaving now. I love you and I will text you when I land,” you leaned up for a quick goodbye kiss before grabbing your carry-on bag and heading to your gate. You avoided looking back, knowing that if you did, both of you wouldn’t let the other leave. 

“I think you chose a good one,” Marcus said once the three of you had sat down. 

“What?” you asked, shocked. 

“Joel. He seems like a good guy. He clearly cares about you and I can see that you care a lot about him, too. He clearly makes you happy,” Marcus added. 

Heat rushed up your face, to which you simply looked out the window, “yeah, he’s a good guy.”

“A cute one, too,” Michelle interrupted. 

“Yes, that too. But Michelle, you better lay off,” the three of you laughed as the flight attendants started to announce the safety procedures for your flight. The three of you did your own thing the rest of the flight: Marcus planning out how podium training would go, Michelle analyzing your routines, and you sleeping.

“Alright, so as soon as we land, we get luggage and go to our hotel. There is a small media event tomorrow morning before podium training, then podium training, then probably some more media. You will have the rest of the night to do whatever, I know you’ll probably go see your Dallas friends and that’s fine, just make it back in time. Then, Friday is the first day of competition, Saturday is the second day, then we have some free time Sunday,” Marcus read off to you, even with you half asleep. 

“Sounds lovely,” you grumbled. 

…..

“So, y/n, with your injury being a top priority, how different have practices been since you are still somewhat in recovery?” one of the journalists asked. You had stayed prepared for a multitude of questions having to do with your injury, so this question had an easy response.

“I would say, it’s definitely a totally new experience. I’ve had to tailor my focus to other aspects of this sport since the start of my recovery, whether that be drills, more conditioning, or changing up my routines. My team and I definitely have figured out what things work and what doesn’t and we continue to learn as I continue training,” you answered, swiftly. 

“Now obviously, you were the highest scorer in most of your competitions, even before your injury, how has competition changed for you? And what has inspired you to train harder?” another journalist asked. 

“I have to say, competition is slightly more nerve-wracking than before. I mean getting injured at a major competition definitely changes perspective for all aspects of it. I feel that I have to be more cautious when performing, whereas before I would just go with the motions. Something that’s inspired me has been that my competitors have continued training, I have a fair amount of competition - all of which are excellent athletes - which has helped motivate me a lot, but I also have an amazing support system back home who have made sure to give me that extra motivation when I need it,” you smiled. 

“Now, having to deal with that support system at home, who and how have they influenced your decisions of your journey through recovery?” which was the first question that made you smile. 

“Well first, a huge shoutout to my family, especially my cousin, Kevin. Without his support, I wouldn’t have ever tried to get back in the gym, he’s been there this whole time and I couldn’t be more grateful. Um, my coaches were so supportive of my comeback; my physical trainor, Adrian, who told me all the doctors were wrong and gave me the reality checks I needed; the whole Philadelphia Flyers roster and their families cheered me on the whole time, especially my boyfriend, Joel Farabee. My friends, my teammates, all of them pushed me where I needed to be,” you said, gratefully. 

“Thank you for your time, y/n. We wish you the best of luck this weekend,” the main announcer said to you before you went off to podium training. 

Marcus and Michelle had both told you only to warm up simplified versions of your routine, so that you could bring shock factor when you were actually performing. You had upgraded almost all of your tumbling back to where it was before injury, but no one needed to know that besides you and those in your gym. Podium training had gone very well, better than you had anticipated, so you were looking forward to how championships would go. 

As you packed up your gym bag and grabbed your phone, you saw all the messages you had from the Flyers group chat you had somehow found your way to. 

Bee: did you guys see that too?

Tiki Bar: if we are talking about the same thing, i think we did.

Patti Lapone: did she actually say nice things about us?

Kev: i really think the texas heat is getting to her already

G: she’s probably just feeling under the weather about competition, otherwise we might want to check if she is okay

Scotty: i think i misheard or i got hit in the head and didn’t realize it

Frosty: hell has frozen over

Bee: haha. frost. frozen. get it

Tiki Bar: beezer. 

G: i’ll make you do laps if you make another frost joke

Laughing at the texts in the group chat in reaction to your interview, you simply typed up a simple response: this is what i get when i’m nice, now you know why i’m not like this all the time. 

Luckily for you, you didn’t have to do any media after podium training, so you were able to leave whenever you wanted to. After checking with Marcus and Michelle, you made sure it was alright that you went off to go see Tyler and the rest of the guys. Assuming that they would be at practice, after changing out of your leo, you took the drive to the Stars practice facility.

Having come to Fort Worth so much for gymnastics and Dallas for a few hockey games, you had run into some of the Stars roster on multiple occasions. By the third time you had ran into them, and this time ran into was a very literal statement, you had exchanged social medias and most of the roster kept an eye out for any updates in your gymnastics career. During your recovery, the whole team constantly asked for updates about how you were and how gymnastics was going. 

Once you parked, you quietly made your way inside - not wanting to interrupt the practice. There were a few officials walking around, but most either paid you no mind or recognized you from times before you had been here. Walking towards the rink, your eyes settled on the boys doing laps for the last part of practice. It wasn’t until most of the guys were only talking and about to get off the ice that they noticed you. 

Tyler was the first to notice you, smiling and waving towards you, which caused most of the team to follow where he was looking and notice you. As the team headed to the locker room to change, you simply waited on one of the benches for them.

“I feel like you only came all this way to see my dogs,” Tyler said, making his way towards you. 

“No, I would never do such a thing, I obviously came here to say hi to you,” you stood up to give him a hug. 

“Mhm, whatever you say. Didn’t you have podium training today? How’d it go?”

“Well, it went pretty well actually. I did a few of my dismounts, but kept most of my landings safe just to be careful. But other than that everything went well.”

“As long as you kick ass tomorrow, I’m fine,” he said, honestly, “do you have anything else to do for the rest of the day or did you just come to say hi?”

“Well, I have no plans for the rest of the day, but I don’t want to intrude on any team plans.”

“You know you would never be intruding on anything with us, even if you are dating a Flyer,” Jamie O said from behind you. 

“God, Jamie, what the fuck? Where’d you come from?”

“Your mom’s house,” he said, earning a fist bump from Tyler. 

“I can’t even be upset, that was a good one,” you smiled as Jamie hugged you,”and don’t bring Joel into this.”

“My condolences.”

“Condolences? No one died?” you questioned.

“You are dating someone that plays for the Flyers,” Tyler said. 

“Damn, that’s harsh,” you replied. 

“Anyways, moving on. Me and a few other guys were coming over to mine for lunch and to hangout, if you want to come you are welcome to,” Tyler said to which you simply nodded. 

“Is that who I think it is?” another familiar voice rang out, causing you to whip your head around to see Roope and Jake heading your way. 

“Well, if you thought it was me, then you would be correct, my friend,” you retaliated. 

“I’m surprised they let you in here, considering you are dating a Flyer,” Otter said, jokingly. 

“Quit bringing the fact that I’m dating Bee into the conversation.”

“At least Nicole is in the safe zone,” Roope said, causing your eyes to widen, “y/n. What was that?”

“What was what?” you questioned as Roope simply narrowed his eyes.

“You did the thing.”

“What are you talking about, bestie?” 

“Oh, you have a habit of your face changing when you know something that will ruin the whole perspective or something or if you know a secret that will change the entire story. Very entertaining and concerning that you didn’t know,” Tyler added. 

“Um, well, didn’t expect to be psychoanalyzed by a bunch of hockey players today, but here we are.”

“Ok, I think we should head to mine and then, we can continue psychoanalyzing you,” Tyler suggested to which you all agreed. Roope, who had gotten a ride from Tyler in the morning, immediately hopped into your car as soon as you unlocked it. 

“What’s up with Nicole?” he asked as soon as you started driving. 

“What happened to hello? How are you?” you joked. 

“Listen, I’m asking now because I don’t want to talk about this with the guys there. But what did you mean?” he said, causing you to take a deep breath. It wasn’t like Roope and Nicole were ever together, but it was always an unspoken fling of sorts, that they never made official. 

“Look,-”

“Please, just tell me what’s happening,” he pleaded.

“Nicole and Nolan are sort of together,” you rushed out, causing a moment of silence to break out. You didn’t know what to expect as a reaction, considering they weren’t official and hadn’t really talked since the last time you and her were in Texas.

“Is she happy?” 

“Yeah, she’s happy.”

“Okay, that’s all I care about,” he said simply, which made your heart almost break for one of your closest friends. 

…..

Being able to spend time with some of your close friends that you hadn’t seen in a while was just what you needed to destress about championships. Maybe an intense game of uno with five of the most competitive people was exactly what some might call a destressor, but here you were. 

Tyler threw down his cards as he stood up dramatically, “no, because there is no way that a.) she already has an uno and that b.) all of you used your draw two cards against me.”

“Don’t be upset, Ty, that’s just how the game of uno is sometimes,” you replied, hiding a laugh. 

“Oh, shut up. I think you guys cheated,” Tyler accused. 

“I think you just don’t know how to play uno,” Jamie mumbled.

“Oh, yeah, real funny. I think you all teamed up against me and Jake dealt that way on purpose.”

“And we all think, you just can’t accept a loss in uno,” Roope added. 

“Fine, let’s settle this like men,” Tyler grabbed all the cards, attempting to shuffle them before accepting he couldn’t shuffle and handing them over to you to shuffle, “I’m watching you.”

“Oh, wow, so scared,” quickly shuffling them, doing a little bit more than usual to get Tyler off your case, you handed them back to him, “there you go.”

Another final round of uno, which ended up with you and Roope head to head as far as who would win, while Tyler had ended up with at least 15 cards to which Jamie was the first to speak up, “I think we should end here before someone gets hurt.”

“No, no, we’re fine. It’s fine. y/n, take your turn,” he said, eyes narrowing as he watched from beside you. Even if it was your last card, you dropped the draw 4, which made Tyler draw more cards. 

“Damn, that sucks,” you said, hiding a laugh. 

“What was that, y/n?” Tyler said.

“I said, damn, that sucks,” you repeated, watching Tyler closely as he stood up quickly once again, before practically chasing you. “Tyler, it’s just uno. Stop chasing me.”

“Oh, wow, ‘damn, that sucks’” Tyler mocked. 

As the other three watched, Jamie just grabbed the bowl of popcorn as they watched their friends running around chasing each other. “I see why we don’t play uno much,” Jake said. 

“Yep. Exactly. But no one listened when I advised against it,” Jamie said, taking a drink of his beer. 

“Tyler, watch yourself,” you said, as he stood on the opposite side of the couch. He started running one way, as you ran the other to avoid him, but he quickly sidestepped and caught up to you. Practically throwing you over his shoulder, he made his way out to the pool, “Tyler, let’s not do anything crazy here.”

“Oh, you mean like hold a draw four card until the end of the game,” Tyler said, as he tossed you into the deep end of his pool. 

“Children. Literal children,” Roope said, shaking his head, going to grab you a towel. 

Rising up from the water and quickly moving the hair out of your face, you swam over to where Tyler was, “hey, can you help me out?”

“Nah, I’m not falling for that one,” he stated. 

“Seriously, I won’t do anything right now, I promise,” you said, as you saw him reach his arm out to which you quickly grabbed and stood out of the pool. Walking towards Roope, who had grabbed you a towel, you turned back around to see Tyler still walking near the pool. Using this to your advantage, you ran and pushed Tyler into the pool. “Sorry, bestie,” you said, running to get the towel from Roope and running back in the house. 

After getting changed into one of Tyler’s extra shirts he had lying around, you were just hanging out with the guys when a familiar contact flashed on the screen to FaceTime, Jake who was right next to you immediately noticed, “ooh, better go talk to your man, y/n.”

“Shut the literal fuck up,” you called back, standing up to go the kitchen for privacy. Answering, you noticed that Joel was at Nolan and Kevin’s apartment, “were you that lonely without me, babe?”

“No, well maybe, but I’m helping them set up for the watch party tomorrow,” Joel said, taking a seat at their kitchen island, “how’d podium training go?”

“It went really well actually, I didn’t work the 3.5 just so that way I have something over their heads, you know. But other than that, it was all good. How are things at home?”

“Well, I mean no one is dead, which is always good. Um, debated getting a dog, my mom called, I told her about you. Uh, already told you about the watch party. I don’t think anything else interesting happened,” he said, shrugging as if he hadn’t just mentioned bringing you up to his mom. 

“Wait, you told your mom about me?”

“Well, she does follow me on Instagram, so after seeing the post she texted me asking and then she asked while we were on the phone. She wished you good luck, by the way. She’s  also visiting here with my dad in a few weeks and I’d really love it if you would meet them,” he said, shyly.

“Uh, yeah, yeah, of course,” you rushed out, hoping you didn’t sound as nervous as you were. 

“That sounded very unsure.”

“No, it’s fine. I just have never been at the spot in a relationship where I meet the parents, I’m just nervous. I don’t want to mess it up.”

“Babe, my mom already loves you, she was getting on my case about not telling her, but she already thinks very highly of you and I definitely hyped you up a little bit. You have nothing to worry about,” he reassured you, which made you smile. 

“Hey, y/n/n,” Kevin yelled. 

“Hey, Kev.”

“You were very nice in your interview today, it had all of us worried,” Kevin said, which caused you to roll your eyes in response. 

“Hey, I can be nice sometimes.”

“On very rare occasions, yes,” Joel added. 

“Whatever.” As you talked a little while longer with the guys, eventually Roope and Tyler had come in to say hi to everyone as well, which had you dying laughing as both of them gave the ‘you hurt her, we fly to Philly and hurt you’ talk that almost everyone had given him. 

Telling Joel you would call him back whenever you made it back to your hotel, you stayed with the guys for another couple of hours before heading back to your hotel. Nicole had spent most of the day after podium training resting and had met you in the hotel lobby when you got back.  

“So,- “ she didn’t even have to finish her sentence before you knew what she was saying. 

“Roope is doing good, he said he hopes things are going well,” you said, watching as a small smile crept up her face. 

“Well, good to know. Did you know KD is also staying at this hotel?”

“Well, considering this is the host hotel and most competitors are here, I am not all that shocked.”

“Yeah, but you probably didn’t know she’s legit a few rooms away from us, did ya?”

“No, guess not,” you said, “how’d you find that one out?”

“Well, let me set the scene for you. I go to get ice and then I hear her talking with, uh, whatever her name is, Callie or Carly, it starts with a C. Anyways, they were talking about you and me and how our skills have been less than recently and all this stuff about you not catching up to where you were - which I found so fucking funny because who has won gold at the past few meets? Not her. Anyways, all is fair in the sport of gymnastics, but I’m just excited to see her reaction to you doing the 3.5.”

“Damn, no pressure there, Nic.”

“Okay, but the thing is, you have the skill,” Nicole said, as you got into the elevator. “You have it down. It’s all up here, in your cranium,” she said, pointing to your head. 

“Alright, let’s just go to bed now,” you said, slowly removing her hand and opening the door to your hotel room. 

…..

“Hello everyone and welcome to Day One of the 2021 US Gymnastics Championships. We are very excited to see how today’s competition goes as this competition will decide who makes it onto the National Team and who will qualify for Olympic Trials,” Joel heard the announcer say as he made his way to sit with everyone in the living room. 

“Did you talk to her this morning?” Claude asked from beside him. 

“Yeah, usual pre-comp anxieties. Nolan talked to her and Nicole to give the usual pep talk and then we talked for a while on their way to the arena,” Joel answered, looking back to the TV to see you prepping for bars, “she said podium training went well, but Kathryn was talking shit, so all I know is she better kick her ass.”

“You know she will, it happens everytime. She gets in her head and still does amazing, just a casual Tuesday,” Scott added. 

“It’s not Tuesday?” Travis questioned.

“Yes, I know,” Scott said, confusing everyone. 

“Alright, moving on,” Joel reiterated. 

“And starting on bars, we have y/n y/l/n. Now if you remember, less than a year ago, y/n was injured at another competition doing a beam dismount that she might be competing in today’s competition. She is definitely one to watch as she has a reputation of scoring high in these meets, before and after her return. Her teammate, Nicole Carter, will be following up.”

Joel watched as you stepped away from the chalk box to start your routine, he watched intently as you jumped from the springboard to reach the high bar. He watched intently as you went through your routine. Release skills. Giants. Pirouettes. More release skills. More giants. Dismount. Stuck landing. 

“A great start to Day 1 for y/n, who seems pretty proud of how that routine went,” the announcer said, “rotation two will be beam, where we might see that 3.5 twist, which is currently in the process of being named by Kathryn Davis, who was the first to compete it at a major competition. Now the question everyone is wondering is will we see this skill from y/n today?”

“She’s doing it. Fucking dumbass,” Joel grumbled at the announcer. 

“Damn, Beezer, tell them how you really feel,” Travis replied, as everyone else laughed at Joel’s behavior before watching Nicole compete. Nicole’s routine ended with a stuck landing, the camera following her as she made her way off the platform and hugged you before the two of you did your secret handshake.

Knowing the next event was beam, Joel waited as other competitors did their routines as you were warming up. He knew this moment would make or break how the rest of the meet went and with this only being your second event, it needed to go well. 

Everyone watched anxiously as you saluted the judges, shaking your hands out before you reached to mount the beam. You took a deep breath before actually starting your routine. Starting the beginning choreography, you kept your movements sharp and clean. All the skills in your routine were sharp - doing this so if the dismount didn’t go well, it hopefully wouldn’t affect your score too much. 

Joel had memorized your routines, knowing you were approaching your dismount, he saw your movements become slightly hesitant. Watching as you did a quick pivot on the beam to prep for the dismount, he watched you take a deep breath. 

“C’mon, babe. You got it,” he said, and by whatever power was listening he watched your lips twitch up to a smile as you started your dismount. Going for the round-off and starting the twists, you did the three and a half twists, opening up to find your landing, and stuck your dismount. Joel’s smile grew even more when he saw how happy you were with your routine.

The rest of Day 1 of Championships went well for both you and Nicole; the two of you ending in the first and place spot in all around, with Kathryn following close behind. After the competition, both of you had your media conferences before you made your way back to the hotel. As both of you checked your phone, you saw the multiple notifications from various social medias.

“Dude, did you see what Ryanne posted?” Nicole asked, a look on her face that you couldn’t easily recognize. 

“No, hold on,” you opened Instagram to see she had tagged you in multiple posts on her instagram story: starting off with a picture of all the guys wearing a jersey with your and Nicole’s name on it, a picture of all the guys watching warms ups intently, a video of Joel and Travis debating the name of a skill from Nicole’s routine (Travis was right), a video of Joel watching you do your beam routine and cheering you on right as you go for your dismount, and then a video of everyone cheering as you and Nicole as they announced the end of day 1.

…..

After falling asleep with Joel on FaceTime, you woke up to your 6am alarm to get ready for Day 2 of championship, Joel - who had told you he would wake up with you - was still sound asleep. Getting you and Nicole an apple from the lobby, you talked to a few of your competitors and a few fans before heading back to yours and Nicole’s room. 

“Wake up, bitch, it’s Day 2 of Championships,” you said, jumping to lay next to Nicole on her bed.

“Leave me to die here, I don’t want to go. USAG can suck a homeless man’s dick,” she mumbled into the pillow. 

“That’s truly something, wait til the media teams hear about that one,” you joked, only to get a glare sent your way. 

“You know what? You can suck on one, too,” she responded, pulling the blanket over her head. 

“Well at least, there's less competition,” to which she quickly peaked out of the blanket.

“Oh, you wish. We’re neck and neck this time, so we’ll see who gets bragging rights.”

“Well if you don’t get out of bed, then we’ll never know,” you said, to which she only sent a glare your way. 

“Do we really have to get up and compete today? Do you think we could petition to reschedule?”

“I mean, I’m sure if we talked to people, we’d get a lot of signatures, but I don’t think it would go over well,” you said, grabbing your garment bag that held your leo for today, “I’m going to go get ready because I know if we end up talking to Joel and Nolan first, we won’t be ready in time.”

After you got ready, both you and Nicole got your pep talk from Nolan and Bee. On the way to the arena, both of you got a bunch of good luck messages - not just from your friends and family, but also from teammates and even some from most of the Stars roster. You had a feeling in your gut that today would be a good day. 

….. 

“Alright folks, Day 2 of Championships have been off to a great start and are about to come to a close. With Nicole Carter in first with a 57.605 All-Around score and Kathryn Davis in second with a 57.1, Cassie Riley in third with a 56.2, it comes down to the final rotations. y/n y/l/n is one of the last to go on floor today, who will need a score of at least a 13.5 to get first,” the announcer said. 

“And compared to her average score, this will be easily attainable. If she scores at least a 14.5, she’ll be first overall for both days of competition. She already has a for sure spot at Trials, even when you don’t consider scores. As long as she is able to hit all elements of this routine, she’ll be fine,” another announcer said. 

“Ok, you’re good, you just have to hit this routine and there’s no doubt you’ll make it to where you want to be. Deep breaths, Twinkle Toes,” Marcus said. 

Walking up the platform to get up to the floor, you took your spot at the edge of the floor, ready to salute the judge, and get the last meet of championships out of the way. After anxiously waiting, the judge finally saluted. Entering the floor with a determined walk, you took your spot waiting for the familiar sound of your floor music to ring out.

That familiar feeling of doing the sport you loved, once again, rushed through your veins. Block everything out and complete the routine, that’s all you had to do. Going to your starting pose, the music started. Going through the familiar motions of your routine, you stuck your first tumbling pass. Then came the leaps and jump sequence and all that was in between, with the additional three tumbling passes. 

You didn’t give yourself a chance to overthink about your routine, you knew that it wouldn’t benefit you in any way, but as you stepped off the floor you knew that you did what you could. As soon as you made it back to where Marcus and Nicole were sitting, you waited to see what your score was. 

Joel and everyone watching at home watched as you sat down to see what your score was. He had this dopey grin gracing his features from the amount of pride he felt in that moment. He didn’t care what your score was, he knew you had put whatever you could out on the mat. He listened to Travis for a moment until the announcer started up again for scores and awards, “and y/n y/l/n pulled through with the score that she needed, a 14.9 on floor. She placed first in All-Around, Carter following right behind, and Davis in third. If all goes this well at trials, I’d say we have a lot of good representation for the Olympic Games.”

…..

After the meet and countless amount of interviews both you and Nicole were extremely worn out and had both passed out on the flight back. As you and Nicole stepped out of the terminal, you were met with the familiar faces of your friends and family. You smiled as you saw Bee for the first time in a few days and despite how tired you were, you couldn’t stop yourself from running to him. 

He immediately caught you and did the cliche spin (the one you swore you would never do) before pulling you into a regular hug, “I’m so proud of you, babe. You have no idea.”

“Thank you. I surprisingly missed you,” you joked, laughing harder when Joel pulled you away slightly to catch a glimpse of your face. 

“Wow, aren’t I glad I was blessed with such a nice girlfriend? It’s crazy.”

“Absolutely insane.”

“Preposterous.”

“Can the two of you shut the fuck up?” Kevin asked, coming over to give you a hug, “you did good out there, y/n/n. You also kept all your bones intact, I’m proud.”

“Shut the fuck up, Kev.”

“Okay, aside from you getting onto Kev and Bee, I missed you, too,” Karly said from beside Travis. 

“I kinda did, too. You did amazing though, y/n/n. I’m proud,” Travis said. 

“Thank you, thank you. All in a hard day's work,” you said, shrugging. 

“Dude, you might want to go back to Beezer, he looks like a lost puppy watching you talk to us,” Travis pointed out, nodding in Joel’s direction who smiled when you caught his eye. 

“Yeah, not a shocking development,” you said, before walking back in Joel’s direction, “hey, Bee.”

“Hey, honey,” he said, wrapping his arms around you again, “you ready to go home?”

“Yeah, of course,” you leaned up to kiss his cheek. 

“Ew, guys. Get a room,” Kevin called out, fake gagging. 

[quirklessidiot]

Title: ghosted [coward series au] Pairing: F!Reader x Miya Atsumu Genre: fluff, mild angst, expecting parents au

Synopsis: an alternate timeline where instead of breaking up over the phone, you break down and tell him you’re pregnant instead.

Warnings: mentions of abortion and early pregnancy

notes; probably would recommend to read the series but yall can read it as it is. also can i say this is also my favorite side story haha...and that is it, thank you for tuning in to coward, it has been one heck of a ride and yall have been so supportive ily all fr. If yall are interested send some drabbles, im accepting until eight uwu :3

read the series here!  [ ss;; one, two, three, four ]

Ghosted.

Atsumu has been ghosted by his own girlfriend.

He doesn’t want to believe it, it was just so odd coming from you. He wants to ask around but you were never exactly close with anyone, he didn’t even know the name of the best friend that you’d mention from time to time or your family.

In that moment, he had the frightening realization.

He never knew you at all.

The blonde feels sick to the bone, he’s reduced to a hot mess these days. People telling him to move on, telling him that there are other better ones out there but Atsumu never wanted anyone else. It’s always been about you ever since that day he saw you.

Just you.

He feels light headed at the fact that he just lost one of the best things he had in life. That he’ll never find someone like you again, someone as patient or as loving as you.

The lump on his throat grows and he wants to yell out his frustrations in the walls of his quiet apartment but something stops him. 

A phone call.

From an unknown number.

He gulps down his frustrations and shakily answers the call, ready to tell the other person to fuck off but when he hears your soft voice, all inhibitions are lost.

“Atsumu.” your usual calm voice filled his ears and he suddenly feels the weight of the world is removed from his shoulders, thank god you were okay.

“Y/N? sweetheart? Where are you?”

“Out.”

“Where outside exactly?” Miya Atsumu dryly asks, “It’s cold, you shouldn’t be out now and wandering about. Would you like me to pick you up-”

“I can’t do this anymore.” you suddenly cut him off and the line goes quiet. The blonde feels the world around him quiet down when he hears those words that he wished he heard wrong.

“What’s-what’s wrong? Y/N, are you alright?” 

“I don’t know,” You mutter, “I’m just tired.”

“Tired of what exactly?”

“Of you, of us…”

“Y/N, are you saying what I think you’re saying?” 

“Yes.” Your voice remained dead calm as if you just hadn’t broken his heart in a million pieces that moment, “Let’s stop this here now, Atsumu. Let’s break-up.”

“That’s…” He tries to keep the mood light, praying that this is one of your dark jokes, “That’s not funny, Y/N.”

“It’s not supposed to be since it’s not a joke.”

Your response was curt as usual and he doesn’t know whats worse, the fact that you’re breaking up over the phone or the fact that your tone remains composed.

“Y/N, don’t do this...Sweetheart don’t do this over the phone.” His tone seemed desperate at this point, he knows he sounds pathetic but he can’t help it. If begging was the only way to get you back next to him, he’d gladly do it. He’s desperate for you, he’s always been since the beginning, “I’m not stopping this until you tell me what's wrong between us, you have to give me something to work with Y/N. Is it something I did?”

“I don’t know.”

“What do you mean ya don’t know?” Atsumu started to raise his tone when he notices how unaffected you seem at the other line.Frustration slowly started to bubble up in him, the accent turning thicker as he got angrier, “Y/N ya can’t just disappear out of the blue and call me one day and tell me you want to break up! Do you think I’m some sort of fling? Some one-night stand or fuck buddies? We’ve been together for two years, Y/N. Two whole fucking years, What’s wrong? Do you not love me anymore?”

Silence filled the line that you could hear a pin drop.

Hesitance. 

“Y/N?” he repeats your name, this time softer, he notices the ragged breathing on the other side of the line, something was wrong, “Y/N? What’s wrong? Please talk to me...”

“I-I don’t know.”

“Y/N?”

This was out of character, even for you.

“I don’t know what to do anymore.” 

“Y/N? Sweetheart, What do you mean?” He feels weak when he hears those words, his anger slowly dissipating. You truly did sound tired on the other line, maybe it was really over. Maybe he should let you go.

Maybe he should stop being a selfish and desperate bastard, he'd only hurt you more if he continued this on.

“I…” he hears a very soft cry on the other line, “I’m pregnant.”

All he hears now is your cries and the fast beating of his heart, pregnant? You were pregnant?

“A-and its alright...It’s alright if you want to have nothing to do with the kid...I-I’ll find a way…” He hears you try to say on the other line as he grips his phone tight, was that why you ran away last week? For this? Atsumu lets out a shaky sigh as he hears the usual calm voice panicking and completely out of breath as if you’d just run a marathon, “...I-I-”

“Breath.” He cuts you off, his voice turning deadly calm.

You’re not sure if you should be scared or relieved by it.

“W-what?”

“Breathe for a moment and tell me where you are.” Atsumu grabs his coat and wallet, “I can’t let my pregnant girlfriend stay under the cold for too long. Let’s grab something to eat, yeah? Don’t pregnant women have cravings or some shit? You really like those red buns we got when we first hung out, right? Or that karaage chicken? There's a twenty four hour one nearby my place then you can have a hot bath and sleep here after, you still have your clothes with me.”

The blonde’s tone is nonchalant as if you just hadn’t dropped life-changing news moments ago.He finally hears the sniffles die down, “Aren’t you going to leave me?”

“Now why the fuck would I do that? I’ve been chasing after you since I first saw you. A kid ain’t going to scare me.” He grumbled, he wasn’t a wimp. Kids? Pft, bring it on, “Now where are ya, Y/N? I miss you and you have to bring me to your next doctor's appointment, I swear to god-”

“I’m at the park…” You breathe out, cutting him off as relief slowly spreads on your system, “Where we went on our first date.”

Atsumu feels his heart thump, well, what do you know. You had some theatrics up your sleeve too.

“Hey.” He softly calls out, as he exits his apartment and walks towards his destination, the cold not even bothering him the slightest because he was going to see you, “Wait for me there.”

“I-I will.”

“And I love you, you know that right?” Atsumu paused, the thought of having kids now was scary but if you chose to keep it, he wouldn’t mind. He’d be the best otosan and husband     if you changed your mind     he could be towards you and that unborn brat, “I love you too damn much, Sweetheart. So don’t ever forget me when you’re making these decisions.”

“I won’t.” He hears a loud sigh on the other line, as if a huge burden was released, “I...I love you too damn much too…”

Atsumu feels his brain short circuit as he hears those words from you out loud, a grin started to slowly make its way to his features as he started to sprint towards the park, “Look behind ya, sweetheart.” He exclaims through the phone when he finally sees your familiar figure facing him.

You turn around to face him and he sees the red nose and wet cheeks.

It was evident that you had been crying hard.

Ending the call and shoving the phone back in his pocket, he runs towards you instead and carefully tackles you into a hug.

“Please don’t scare me like that again.” He pleads, burying his face on your shoulders and seeping in your warmth, “Shit, I wouldn’t know what I’d do if you left me.”

You slowly and hesitantly hug him back with the same tightness, finally succumbing to his warmth. 

This was nice.

You could get used to this.

Home, this was definitely what home felt like.

taglist [officially closed, ily all, this series would never be possible without all you people + other readers]

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@misosamu  @Etherynaw  @ryaaaax @allysasteaparty   @mikaashi  @brownie0food @ph10xy  @Chocolaterumble [hi, i can’t seem to tag u guys, i think you need to open your tags uwu]

[barsformars]

reaction: to their s/o being afraid of thunderstorms; ateez

req: hi! i absolutely love your writing, could i request an ateez reaction to s/o being scared of thunderstorms? thank you so much <3

a/n: thank you so much for requesting! this was kinda cute to write. also,, trying a different format here- not using gifs- lmk if y'all like it with gifs better? + first work im posting in this new year hehe hope y'all enjoy it <3

genre - fluff | pairing - ateez x reader | warnings - none

⭒❃.✮:▹ seonghwa

seonghwa had came home to you hidden under your covers as you watched the television on almost max volume, the curtains fully closed.

"love, isn't it a little too loud?" he had covered his own ears from how deafening it was and he had to pretty much yell for you to hear him. you paused the show when you took notice of him, quickly apologising as you tried to explain yourself when you saw another flash of lightning through the curtains. you slapped your two hands over your ears and squeezed your eyes shut, bracing yourself for the loud ripping sound from the sky.

seonghwa sat himself next to you and pulled you into his embrace, cupping your cheeks so that you would look at him. "love, do you trust me?" you nodded as you slowly opened your eyes.

seonghwa turned the television off and gently pried your hands away from your ears, letting your hands rest on the sides of his thighs. "let's be a little kinder to your ears, alright?" he leaned in closer and whispered into your ears. "do you want to tell me about your day or shall i go first?"

basically mars asmr but live, and when you do get surprised by the thunder, he would shush you affectionately and comfort you, continuing on about his day.

⭒❃.✮:▹ hongjoong

"can i hide in here for a little while?" you had peeked into his studio to see that he was just monitoring his past performances through fancams, surely you wouldn't be a distraction.

"from what?" he paused his video and whipped his head back to ask, confused. you were supposed to be at the dance studio, helping wooyoung and yunho check their choreography even if you weren't that experienced in dance.

"the thunderstorm, your studio is the only place where i can neither see nor hear anything so..." ah, he had no idea there was a thunderstorm outside. if he was he would have rushed over to you immediately, knowing just how afraid you can get.

"sure babe, make yourself comfortable." hongjoong would then turn on the ambience lighting to a dark blue and play some really soothing classical music, hoping that it would calm you down and take your mind away from the ongoing thunderstorm. when he sees that you were still a little frightened from earlier on, he drapes his warm jacket over you, "don't worry, you're safe here." he would also go to the kitchen to make a cup of warm tea for you to calm you down.

⭒❃.✮:▹ yunho

yunho loves thunderstorms, and he loves sitting by the window and staring out as the flashes of electricity branch out like veins in the sky, so full of life. that's what scares you the most, you know the extent of damage lightning can cause having lived in houses without good lightning protection systems.

"don't sit too near to the windows, you might get hurt!" you warned for the umpteenth time but your boyfriend refused to listen, saying that it would never happen.

"this apartment is safe, i promise," yunho reassured you, even gesturing for you to come join him over there. he wasn't going to force you if you still refused after the third time he asked but you decided to go. you've been trying to get over your fear of thunderstorms anyways.

he would wrap his arms around your waist and let you rest your head on his chest so that you could hear his calm steady heartbeats. the both of you sat at the windows watching the lightning and thunder with you burying your face into the crook of his neck often and him giving you long pats on your back to calm you down. you definitely did get less afraid of thunderstorms, though not much, but it's something.

"if the thunderstorm is ever mean to you, let me know. i'll personally throw hands at zeus."

⭒❃.✮:▹ yeosang

yeosang had fallen asleep on the couch when it started raining heavily along with non-stop thunder and lightning. you were extremely afraid but you had to close the windows yourself, you didn't want to wake yeosang up from his nap.

you were just about to close the one in the living room where yeosang was when the deafening sound of a thunder took you by surprise, causing you to shriek out loud in fear. being a light sleeper, yeosang jolted awake, surprised and worried. it absolutely broke his heart to see you crouched on the floor with your hands covering your ears, your shoulders shaking as you sobbed.

you felt so weak crying over a thunderstorm but yeosang made sure to let you know that there was nothing wrong with it. he gently guided you onto the couch where he would let you continue crying on his shoulder, his fingers intertwining with yours to let you know that he's there for you as he tries to help you control your breathing. "you're okay, you're okay. follow my breathing, love."

⭒❃.✮:▹ san

if you weren't afraid of thunderstorms, you probably wouldn't be sitting on yunho's gaming seat right now with san yelling at you over the headset to support him in the game. you weren't one to play games but as san says, "you won't be scared if you distract yourself"

it usually works, though the games do leave you feeling kind of nauseous from all the motion and lights, but today, the thunderstorm was simply on another level. the lightning had lit up the whole room with a bright white flash for a good three seconds before leaving you in a room that seemed much brighter a few moments ago.

san is not stupid, he knows playing games would not distract you this time round so he would quit the game and drag you onto the bed , letting you bury your face in his chest as he hums the tune of your favourite song.

when you told him that you were ashamed to be afraid of something many people aren't, he would shush you and say, "it's normal, everyone has their irrational fears. besides, that lightning really scared the life out of me too."

⭒❃.✮:▹ mingi

he knew about your fear of thunderstorms, and he always makes an effort to check the weather forecast on your behalf since he had googled it before and they said people who fear thunderstorms should try to refrain from doing so in case it makes them even more anxious. anyways, so he does it for you and prepares everything that you might need when it happens.

the both of you were in the car when the thunderstorm started, and being well prepared, he quickly handed you the small thin blanket and the bottle of water he kept at the backseats. there was no better place than under the sheets at home but this was better than nothing at all.

once the both of you got home, he would make sure to run a warm bath for you and might even accompany you in it. the fear had caused all your muscles to tense up and he made it a point to relieve all of them. in the meanwhile, he would comfort you by saying things like "im so proud of you." and "the next time a thunderstorm happens, remember how you are totally fine today, okay? think, thunderstorms are relatively harmless, you'll be fine this time too."

⭒❃.✮:▹ wooyoung

it was in the middle of the night when the thunderstorm started, the loud booming of the thunder startling you awake. you tried to go back to sleep, hoping that this moment would just pass and that you would wake up to a nice weather. but even with wooyoung by your side, you couldn't seem to be at ease enough to sleep.

"wooyoung, please wake up." that was your tenth attempt, unsurprisingly considering the fact that he sleeps like a dead log. thankfully he does, and very much apologetically when he notices the shitshow that was going on outside. even he was surprised he slept through the noise.

he would immediately drag himself out of bed to turn on the lights so that the lightning wouldn't seem as bad, also going out to the kitchen to pour you a glass of warm water. it always helped.

when the both of you were back in bed, wooyoung would rest against the headboard as you laid your head on his abdomen, him patting your shoulder affectionately until you fell asleep again.

"there's another thunderstorm going on inside your stomach," you joked with a faint smile as you snuggled closer into him.

"hey! if you're going to say that, go away."

⭒❃.✮:▹ jongho

the both of you were stranded outdoors as the thunderstorm has started unexpectedly while the two of you were taking a stroll in the park. the weather forecast did not foresee this. it was dangerous and very annoying to get soaked in rain, but everything was made worse because you were afraid of thunderstorms. you had no idea why, it was just the case.

"there's a shelter nearby, shall we make a dash for it?" jongho asked as the both of you sought temporary shelter from a tall tree.

"the lightning is a little crazy now though....." it was, but being under a huge tree on such a day wasn't the smartest idea at all, and it would be much better if you could go to a real shelter.

"you know i'm quite a lucky guy, right?" jongho would give you a piggyback as he ran, allowing you to close your eyes so that you wouldn't see the flashes of lightning. he would also tell you to put on earphones and play some soothing music. "it'll be over quick, just hang on in there for a little while."

[jonahm70]

The Scrubs

I am never the one to write anything down or even be the one to really share my feelings. I mean, I have, but never in this kind of space. I have never blogged, written an article, or shared publicly my thoughts, feelings, or emotions. Today changes that because today was the day my life would have never looked the same.

If I take you back to even my freshman year of high school, I also dreamed big! I wanted to be a graphic designer, but double major in audio production. As my high school years progressed, something changed inside of me and in my heart. My senior year I did quite a bit of self reflection into what I may want to do as a career in the future. To this day I remember sitting on the school bus confiding in one of my favorite coaches. He looks my dead in the eye and tells me you should never go into coaching. It's not worth it. He proceeds to tell me the nightmares of coaching and how it has changed for him just over the few years he has coached, and to never go into coaching if I can help it. I never did find out how big of an impact that conversation made on me until a few years ago.

That same year, senior year. I had another coach come to me. It was around graduation and he was hit with some emotion I imagine. I can remember him walking up to me and reflecting back on my high school football career. He told me he was so surprised that I made it and that he thought I wouldn’t survive the first week my freshman year. I look back knowing he was trying to give some sort of compliment, but instead I took a huge slap to the face. 

These are just two examples of my childhood in which two respected coaches put barriers in my life. This has happened by many whether it is intentional or by accident, but nonetheless still there. I have grown up my whole life being told I couldn’t do something and here is the list of why. Boy do they not know me very well…

I went on defying all the odds stacked against me. I was able to do things at an age most couldn’t. I pursued ministry. Through my calling into ministry, I found my heart and grew in spirit and in knowledge. I have more ministry experience than most 30 year olds do at 27 years old. I have been able to work in the school systems by driving a bus and substitute teaching. I built connections with the coaching staff and worked my way to lay assistant coaching the baseball team. You do not believe me, I have a yearbook to prove it.

During that run of 8 years, I have achieved even more than that. I have a beautiful family. I married my wife, Lauren, in March 2017, and now we have 2 amazing boys; one 3 years old and one 5 months old. We have bought a house, we drive nice cars, and have solid jobs. None of those things would have ever been possible without the love and support of my family and hers. Needless to say, a ton can happen in 8 years.

In those 8 years, God was working on bringing my back to a place I was in 2014. Through my ministry experience God has broken down walls and barriers placed in my heart by someone and myself. Year after year, God was destroying those things in my life. About 2 years ago now, I finally came back to grips of teaching and coaching. I went back to school. I will graduate in December 2023. I fully intend on using my degree to teach and coach.

Today was the day I would have been officially offered an Oklahoma 5A District 4 Offensive line and Tightend coaching job. I fought and fought my way through the ranks and even though I had no degree yet; I got my foot into a door and made a connection. So much so he was willing to risk his name on it and hire me. I turned the job down.

This morning I find myself still taking the day off, but I can’t do any homework like I need to because of this and how strongly I feel. I needed to for the first time put words on a page and express myself. The only word I can think of to express myself and who I am as a person is A SCRUB. A scrub is not what you think it might be anymore. Most people, students, young adults use it as a term of being new to something and not being very good at it. Until a few days ago, I had taken this term and flipped it on its head. I wanted to make a scrub mean something and I finally came to that answer.

My whole life I have been a scrub. I have been sized up. I have been underestimated. I have been dragged through the mud. I know what it is like to have someone look at you and tell you that you can not do something. I know the feeling of waking up in the morning feeling down and out due to stress, finances, job, etc… I KNOW!... BUT here is where it all finally clicked; scrubs never give up. A scrub is looked down on, spit on, underestimated, undervalued, and underappreciated, but everyday you wake and you put on the boxing gloves and you try and keep trying. I keep fighting and punching, You fight for yourself. You fight for your wife. You fight for your kids. You keep fighting! Why? Because you are a scrub.

I find myself sharing this because I know there is someone out here that needs to read this. My life is not perfect, and I probably turned down the biggest coaching opportunity I will ever see. I believe it was worth it in the end. It just wouldn’t fit our families needs. BUT here is the kicker for me; I still received an offer. I did it. I defied all odds and I was capable of making it happen. So can you!

Here's to all the scrubs out there! Keep your head up, keep your eyes on the prize, and, most importantly, keep your family and faith first. My time will come and I will be a coach. Your time will come and you will achieve whatever you set your mind to. This is what a scrub looks like.

Much love, the Chief Scrub, Jonah Meade

[askfallenroyalty]

I don't think you did anything wrong. When a story is being written, there are a lot of different ways to adress and express something and maybe that's why you're being misunderstood. I think there are just too many things to adress in this story that maybe some people will get when these things are implicitly implied and some people will not. So when a breaking point comes, they'd think it came out of nowhere. You can see this with the amount of asks you receive asking you often the same thing.

Does that mean it's wrong? Ofc not! I myself was a little bit confused with Frisk's reactions and conduct in general until you explained it in your recent asks, and I thought man, that was what I was missing!

Now, yes I believe some parts of the story could have been explained in a different way, because in my opinion there's a lot to read between the lines. If you don't try to understand the characters, you'll clearly be confused as hell. But that's why I love this story! As you said before, there's nothing meant to be black/white coded, and I really appreciate the world and the character's complexity in general. You don't have some of the answers in hand, an that's when you have to analize! (At least that's what I do haha)

I also really felt like telling you something I've been relating to, so I'm putting the respectives tw if someone doesn't want to keep reading (TW: Suicide mention).

In the DW Arc, when the Christmas and Feylow stuff happened, I realised through Chara that I was doing the exact same thing with a friend of mine. He was going through a lot of stuff, and tried to commit suicide multiple times. I was focusing a huge amount of energy on him because I was afraid to lose him, and when he suddenly stopped talking to me so he could take a break, I felt really lost. Because he was the person I talked with the most, one of my dearest friends, and the idea of losing him and not being there to stop it made me insanely anxious, because that used to be the situation most of the times. Now it's been a year since he's stopped talking to me, and I don't exactly know the reason. But I couldn't keep running behind someone who didn't seem to keep wanting me around. And if it wasn't for you, I couldn't have realized how much this was hurting me.

And now, as much as it hurts me to see him acting this distant and cold with me, I'm okay with it. I really am. Because I now have the tranquility to see him continue, even when things are not okay. I can't force a friendship and I really needed to understand that back then. I trust him as much as he trusts me.

I really wanted to thank you for writing this story because it has helped me in a way I didn't expect, and I'm sure it will help a lot of people too! I'm even learning from your way of taking and discussing things haha.

I just wanted you to have this tranquility I have with this story because I trust it'll work out and explain itself once it's finished. And I just can't express how thankful I am to be reading your story.

Thank you again,

I'm looking forward to more of your work and please, take care! Don't stop doing what you enjoy! 🦋

putting it under a readmore because of how long the ask/response is, sorry!

i’m at a loss of words because wow, this ask really hit in a way i’ve never really could of anticipated. when writing AFR, i write a story about things I felt. I’ve been Chara, I’ve been Asriel and Frisk at points in my life. I write because I need to tell their stories and make it real, specifically for my own sake of getting through my own pain and to tell the world this is who i am and that I will be ok, there is hope in this world. It’s a selfish desire for me, but ultimately that’s what art is i feel. I couldn’t draw this much and put so much time and effort into something without it being meaningful or personal.

but art is communication, and when I write to be seen and to be heard, I know there’s others who are reading and are connecting with the work. (otherwise, I wouldn’t be getting asks right? its a lonely process, i forget there’s the second half of the equation -you guys) and i’ll do my best to make sure people are accommodated and can experience this story without hurting in a way that’s past enjoying a emotionally gripping piece of media. i don’t want people to be upset or hurt for my work, and I want to ensure I can make this without hurting others.

I try to leave a lot of ambiguity and room for people to interpret stories and I don’t mind people missing the point or interpreting things vastly differently than what I intended. that’s fine, that’s what art is all about. i don’t want to hold people’s hands and tell them what’s happening or what they should feel -i want them to choose and decipher and think things over. stories should be stimulating and thought provoking, and i can’t decide what those thoughts are. I wouldn’t want to. Personally, if it means people become more confused and lost over the story -well, that’s a trade off I have to take. if it means the story is more up-to-interpretation, than it’s worth it to me.

i do regret with how fast and punchy the arc ended up, and I feel my hints may have been too weak. asriel/flowey has been bluntly surprised/asking to be killed twice, he hasn’t felt like himself since dying and has lost his support systems ect. as a person who’s Been Through Shit, I thought it was as obvious as the sun what was to come but thinking on it now?

with how distance asriel is, how limited the perspective is to chara (who hasn’t known Asriel has been going thru the same depressive/suicidal thoughts as they have this whole time) it was a shock to the system. and in a way that’s fine in my eyes if the reader was completely shocked as you can emphasize more with chara that way... but in the same sense its horrifying for them, it must be for the reader as well.

and I do feel I should of thought of a way to handle the scenario to where it was less in your-face with Asriel’s decent into desperation and attempts. I don’t want to ever show it on screen, I don’t want to ever go into detail and make it any sort of fun for the viewer. it’s supposed to be disturbing and painful and I tried to show how greatly painful it was affecting both chara and frisk. Suicide victims are victims and everyone involved suffer from it. It’s ugly and never something one should be anything but ugly.

that is my intent for it be that, but as I’ve heard from people it’s still a shock and went too far. Authorial intent doesn’t matter when people react to your stories. yes, the context can be good to have, but people’s feelings and reactions mean the world more. I hope with the added context of the complete story that helps it in the long run, but as it is I’m very unhappy with how I tackled it and I don’t really have a good answer to how I should of gone about it. but at the end of the day that doesn’t matter as it happened and I can’t change it.

i’m sorry about your friend and i’m sorry for the pain you’ve experienced as well. it’s not easy being in that position (nor is it for ur friend as well of course) and it’s perfectly fine to feel hurt and to take time for yourself to address those feelings. You, as a person, matter and your feelings are justifiably important as well. nobody asks to be mentally ill and your friend’s choices aren’t fully theirs because of that, but it doesn’t change how it’s affected and hurt you. Losing someone’s friendship has always been a painful and inevitable experience people must go thru in life. I’m sorry that you’ve gone through that, but I’m glad -so happy that my story has helped you in any amount. I sincerely wish you both the best and to heal, I’m proud of you anon for getting through this.

I can’t really express how much it means as a writer to see how my work helped you. Like I mentioned before, I write and feel like it’s by myself that makes this work but it’s a 2 way street -you guys contribute to the story and the story only exists and is perceived by you. without an audience, it really truly is just me here. what you gain and experience within a story is just as important as the writing of the work itself and I often forget that.

Thank you. This was a really nice and eye opening ask and it’s going to be on my mind for a while, haha. I hope once the story is done and I can post-correct how I handle the story, people can learn and gain meaning to it like you have. Sorry if this was a bit rambly, I’m very thankful for your response (as well as everyone else who’s messaged!) and I’m very happy and excited to continue and to do my best. Thank you all so much.