#it gets worse the more i care about someone and is the most violently upsetting with FPs

[prismatoxic]

bpd is super cool and fun bc if i am attached to someone and they like someone else more than me, i either:

resent the person i have never met (bc they're better than me)

resent the person i am attached to (bc they don't like me more)

OR

resent myself (for not being good enough)

and it usually happens bc the other person has a fucking romantic interest in the person they "like more". fam i do not even want that with you why am i acting like it's a competition

it also happens with best friends though. like. why does my little pea brain think i need to be the ~best friend~ of everyone i latch onto like a parasitic worm. that's too many people i can't be a best friend every time

and on one memorable occasion, i felt it about a FUCKING CAT, which is all new levels of pathetic (me and the cat became friends though)

[doublejango]

I am already seeing virtue signaling posts from people saying "I don't care what you believe or how you voted..."

That's great. I care. I care a lot. The outcome of this election effects me, but so much more than me. I care. It matters. And if it really doesn't matter to you? Good for you. If you are privileged enough, safe enough, and entitled enough to truly not care about how the election will impact other people... I can't even imagine what that must be like. Nice, I guess?

I spent most of last night and this morning crying.

I'm done with tears now, and have moved on to rage.

And you know what? I promise not to let it burn out. Because smiles and positivity may work for many of us, and I'm not going to lose mine either, I promise not to lose my queer joy--they can rip it from my cold dead hands, not to get too damn dramatic here--but I'm also not in the mood to start forgiving and smiling and welcoming Nazis into the bar.

So. I will hold onto anger. I've been tolerant and accepting long enough in life... and have learned something important about what causes the worst harm.

I have been gay bashed before. Violently. Blood. Broken bones. Lost teeth. And you know what the worst part of the recovery of all of that was, the part that did the most psychological and emotional damage? It wasn't the actual bashing itself. It wasn't even the memory of exactly what it felt like to have something swung full force into my face with extremely violent intent. It was the denial from my "friends" and family afterwards. The people who wanted to deny that it was a hate crime. The people who wanted me to shrug it off and not be upset about it. The people who loved to say oh well it wasn't that bad. You know what helped? Letting myself feel fury. Letting myself name the attack as hate. "It wasn't that bad," though, they said, asif it was their judgment to make--endless hours of dental procedures, pain, wounds that never fully healed, the trauma, the lost work, the new experience of vomiting blood with broken jaws and knocked out teeth. Because it wasn't that bad. And there was so much self-reproach, because I could have avoided it. I wasn't the intended target. He was swinging for a lesbian with me. When the attacker burst out of hiding he was swinging for the side of her head, her temple. I jumped in between them. Didn't think. It was an impulse. Protect the people you care about. So I took it to the face. And I grabbed him. I threw him, and fell doing it. I remember being on my knees in the mud. Seeing my teeth in the mud. Seeing my blood just. Everywhere. And knowing I needed to push back to my feet immediately because it might not be over.

We were lucky. It was over. He hadn't expected anyone to fight back. He ran.

But the people who claimed to love me didn't want to deal with the idea that it was a hate crime. They wanted it to be random and meaningless. That made their world a little safer, I guess. And their denial made my world colder. And my recovery lonelier. Harder. They put me down for "bringing it on myself." As if it would have been more virtuous to let this woman take that attack to her temple, as if I would have been more valid for standing by and watching it happen.

There are so many more stories I can tell you, but the lesson is almost invariably the same: the ugliest hurt is often the one caused by the people who just turn away when you identify what happened to you. The hurts that cut the deepest and last the longest often come from the people we thought we could trust, because they want you to just get over it, don't talk about it, admit it could have been worse, don't call it That.

The betrayal from people who are supposed to have your back? That deepens wounds, deepens trauma.

I won't be that person. I won't tell you to smile and turn the other cheek when someone shows you they hate you. Do whatever you need to do to survive--physically, emotionally, psychologically. Just don't give up, and don't let the cowards force you into feeling shame for not giving up and letting the world break you.

Never be ashamed to refuse to break.

Never let someone shame you for choosing strength. For drawing your line in the sand.

I wanted the "exciting" times of my life to be behind me. But they're not--so be it. I'm not going to tone myself down to be safer. I don't care about my own safety anymore. Any self-preservation drive broke a long time ago when it comes to homophobia. I promise to always be ready to fight. To be a queer menace to "polite" society. I promise to be out and loud and gay, to be a shield however I can for those who can't be out, who can't fight back, who can't even speak up because it wouldn't be safe for them to do so. They are valid, too. And I love them. And I will have their fucking backs. I promise to, in my real off-the-internet life, be someone who will always jump in and speak up if I see queer people being harassed or shamed--especially if they're young. I am older. I will fight for my baby gays. I will love them.

And I will never, never put anyone down for refusing to welcome Nazis into the bar. We don't look the other way and quietly tolerate them. Not here.

I may not be around much for the next few days. I need to handle my own shit. My own fury. My own grief. Because right now, there is so much grief.

But I won't be going anywhere.

I will fight to stay.

Whatever it takes.

I'm not giving up.

If I end up on my knees in the mud again, staring at my own blood and teeth, metaphorically or in fucking reality, so be it. I will get back up. And I will keep getting back up. I won't let go of the anger. The spite. And I definitely won't let go of my love for every queer person, the ones I know and the ones I don't, because that love is what will give me strength to get through this. Whatever comes next.

I may not have much sense of self-preservation. But goddamn, I will fight for you.

[yanderes-galore]

Also another yandere concept for Narancia because again Yandere potential

Sure! Just a warning, I started this late at night because I couldn't sleep and didn't want to wait, so spelling and grammar may be incorrect. Decided to cover overall behavior and tendencies more than an actual plot.

Yandere! Narancia Ghirga Concept

Pairing: Romantic/Platonic

Possible Trigger Warnings: Gender-Neutral Darling, Obsession, Clingy behavior, Anger issues, Stalking, Manipulation, Jealousy, Violence, Delusional behavior, Possessive behavior, Overprotective behavior, Threats, Blood, Murder implied, Dubious companionship/relationship.

Narancia could be considered a very clingy and volatile yandere.

He's had a tough upbringing and would definitely be overly attached to someone he likes.

His behavior and Stand bring up some things to consider with him being a yandere.

For example, he can use Aerosmith to stalk you by tracking your breathing.

Narancia doesn't even have to be all that close and the ability means you can't leave easily.

Narancia is a yandere you have to be careful around.

I say this due to his temper that can change rather quickly.

He most likely shares this trait with Fugo, but Narancia is more childish.

Narancia may be rough at times, yet he's endlessly loyal.

When obsessed with you he's determined to win over your attention.

Even as an adult in this concept he retains childish behavior.

An example of this is being temperamental and overly upset when jealous.

Due to his temper I wouldn't be surprised if he attacked someone for being too close to you.

It just seems to be his nature.

Narancia is often a handful for his obsession.

He values the bond he has with his obsession and is scared of possible betrayal.

Which makes him nervous that he'll lose your attention.

While Narancia is primarily an unnerving and terrifying yandere, he's so sweet with you.

Sweet to the point others wouldn't suspect a thing.

He's unnerving, threatening, and aggressive with others.

Yet with you he clings to you, all smiles and sweetness.

Even Fugo is perplexed when Narancia is around his favorite person.

Narancia may also be delusional with you, convinced you feel the same about him.

He works as either platonic or romantic, his core yandere is pretty much the same regardless.

Said core yandere is clingy, volatile, and manipulative.

He definitely acts childish when you have to leave him alone.

He often complains and pouts when you tell him you have to go.

Even when you leave he still sends Aerosmith to track you.

When you're away from Narancia, others notice him and see him not being as excited as usual.

He really is at his best (and worse) with you by his side.

Which is why he manipulates you into staying with him as long as possible.

His most terrifying factor is his violent nature.

He always has a switch blade on him and is rather quick to pull it out on people.

The moment anyone says something about you near Narancia, he listens.

Negative or positive, Narancia wants others to keep your name out of their mouths.

He may just cut their tongue out to prevent that.

The thing is, Narancia doesn't seem like he'd be a bad yandere.

But he is.

He's incredibly possessive.

It's to the point he'll threaten or even harm those too close to you.

He works in a gang, he's used to this sort of thing since he was young.

He can be terrifying to someone he doesn't like... then immediately come up to you all smiles.

Oh he adores you.

Finding blood on his clothes isn't new.

You just have to silently hope that he didn't kill some poor soul.

Although, if he wanted that to happen and you not to know about it...

He could always just use Aerosmith.

Fugo may confront Narancia about his obsession, but he only gets told off by his friend.

It's not weird...

Not in Narancia's eyes, at least.

It's dangerous out there, Narancia following you home is just to make sure you get there safely.

Same reason when he uses Aerosmith to guard you!

You just seem to... understand Narancia, which is why you're the one he clings to.

He doesn't seem like he'd kidnap, he seems more into following you around.

He wants you to have some freedom... you wouldn't like him otherwise.

Plus, anyone who gets too close usually ends up with an irritated Narancia confronting them.

Narancia is very needy when it comes to affection and definitely enjoys physical affection.

Things like hugs (alternatively kisses) are things he enjoys.

If anyone has an issue seeing him being affectionate with you, you can guess what happens.

So overall, Narancia is definitely a temperamental and childish yandere who clings to his darling.

He hates to share and will do anything to keep your attention on him.

No one can take you from him once he's attached...

Not unless they want a switchblade in the chest or a barrage of bullets through their flesh.

"Oi, where are you going!? Don't leave yet...! Please stay longer!"

[11queensupreme11]

While I was reading your old posts another idea for an AU came to mind, this is a pretty dark be brave and read this

The Soul Swap/Possession AU:

In a previous post someone gave the idea of ​​Percy dying in the pjo world and having his soul stolen from the underworld by suitors

Percy returned to her world, and during a battle she was hit violently in the back and died, the suitors watched this in pure agony without being able to interfere, when they managed to open a portal to invade the pjo world it was already too late and Percy's soul had already been sent to the underworld

Not accepting this ending, the suitors invade the underworld and steal Percy's soul and take it back to the ror universe.

First they meet in a council to decide how they will proceed, all the gods are very upset and worried about Percy, his body was completely destroyed and all that remains was his soul, everyone is giving ideas on what to do until that at some point a "God" proposes the best solution

What if they create a new child body and put Percy's soul in it? Getting someone pregnant to give Percy a new life seems like a great idea never mind that the idea of ​​forcing someone to get pregnant or ripping a baby's soul out of their body to give to someone else is beyond cruel and unethical

They make a selection of the female ,goddesses and nymphs, who are most physically similar to Percy.

They choose a candidate and after much, much MORE EFFORT, Poseidon manages to convince his “little friend” to toughen up ALL for his beloved Percy, he manages to get the candidate pregnant or maybe simply pour it into a small pot and Beelzebub takes the seed with a medical syringe and presents it to the candidate so that he does not have to commit "adultery"

Well, after the pregnancy is confirmed, tests and experiments begin on the candidate, Beelzebub begins to do all kinds of experiments and modifications on the fetus to ensure that the baby is a girl and that she has a physical appearance identical to Percy Adriana Lima

No one cares about the happiness or consent of the chosen candidate gods know what consent is? They only care about the health and appearance of the child not because they care or love the child, they just need the child to be viable as a vessel for Percy's soul

For nine months the chosen candidate undergoes several experiments and tests unlike the scenario where Beelzebub tests his own children within Percy, here he doesn't care about the candidate so causing her pain or discomfort makes no difference to him, poor woman, when she is not suffering in Beelzebub's laboratory she is having the healthiest pregnancy possible as she is constantly under the care of the Gods of medicine of all pantheons

she also spends her entire pregnancy suffering psychological abuse because she knows that as soon as her baby is born he will be killed perhaps she will also be killed since she will no longer be useful she knows that absolutely no one cares about her, she has to live with the constant hatred of Poseidon who only tolerates her because she is pregnant with Percy's future new body, everyone treats her with indifference and only addresses her to talk about the child in her womb

She has to attend monthly meetings where the gods talk about her child as if she were just a lab rat, they just talk about how the pregnancy is going and how much the baby has grown, whether the baby is healthy and how they will perform the possession ritual They always ask how is Percy's body?, Is Percy's body healthy? How long will it take until Percy's body is ready?

It would be even worse if during the months of pregnancy she started to truly love her baby, she just had to sit and listen in silence as everyone around her planned to kill and replace her daughter, she had to listen to the gods talk about her baby like If he was nothing more than an object, they talk about your baby like her soul was disposable

Maybe she tries to ask the Valkyries for help, ask them to help her escape, help save her baby but they refuse maybe because they really like Percy or maybe it's because it was Bruhilde who proposed the idea of ​​creating a new body for Percy, perhaps because she was the one who chose the ideal candidate whose daughter's body would be compatible with Percy's soul, perhaps because she bargained for Percy's rebirth for another thousand years of humanity's existence

It would be like one of those mother-of-manhua situations where they are pregnant and then discover that their cheating husbands have a lover who carries out an evil plan to kill her, except in this situation the mother is a minor goddess or a nymph whose chances of go back in time to get revenge and save her baby are -1000000000, in other words IMPOSSIBLE

After his failed escape attempt, the guards and gods around him became even more suffocating and cruel You can't convince me that Loki wouldn't spend the nine months verbally abusing the poor goddess/nymph while monitoring the baby's health until the moment of birth arrived

As soon as the baby is born, she is ripped from her mother's arms and taken to a room where the gods perform a ritual in which her little soul is ripped from her body and is replaced by Percy's soul

Now Poseidon is lovingly holding the baby. Percy in her arms while being surrounded by the other yanderes who are cooing and crying with happiness all this while in the background a goddess/nymph screams and cries in pain over the death of her daughter who didn't even have the chance to see the world, the poor thing died at the hands of her own father and EVERYONE is happy about that

Poseidon fulfills his wish of having been part of Percy's childhood and you can't walk down a hallway in Atlântica without seeing a portrait of her

Percy has his memories sealed since her tiny brain couldn't handle so much information but they eventually manifest themselves in dreams and dreams, she still has the same personality and morals because consequently she is still attached to her human morals from her past human life.

However, in the future if somehow Percy will be able to recover all her memories and discover how exactly she came back to life which I doubt because I bet all the gods would create a pact where they would promise not to mention a single word about what happened, but I imagine that in an act of revenge the mother of Percy's body would tell her the truth she would feel an overwhelming guilt for having indirectly killed and stolen the body of a little child

I feel like this scenario got really dark really fast.

this scenario is actually similar to a manhua I read where the female protagonist finds out that she and her baby were sacrificed by the temple so she only has a few months to save herself and her baby except in this case she failed

THIS IS PROBABLY THE BEST THING I EVER READ HOLY FUCKING SHIT

NO SERIOUSLY THIS IS SO SCRUMPTIOUSLY DARK OMG

IMAGINE HOW MUCH WORSE THE ROR CHARACTERS ARE GONNA BE??? NOT EVEN JUST THE YANDERES, BUT THE OTHER CHARACTERS TOO

THEY JUST WITNESSED PERCY DIE, BUT THEY MANAGED TO GET HER BACK AGAIN BUT AS A BABY THIS TIME

THIS GIRL IS GONNA BE SOOO FUCKING SHELTERED. LIKE MIZUHIME FROM TSUNAMI BUT 100% WORSE CUZ EVERYONE'S GONNA BE COLLECTIVELY WORKING TOGETHER TO GROOM AND MANIPULATE THIS GIRL

I LOVE THE IDEA OF HER GRADUALLY DEVELOPING HER ORIGINAL PERSONALITY, BUT SHE'S GONNA BE VERY VERY IGNORANT AND NAIVE BECAUSE OF HOW MUCH SHE'S BEING CODDLED AND SHELTERED

ALSO IMAGINE SHE SOMETIMES GETS GLIMPSES OF HER PAST THROUGH HER SLEEP AND POSEIDON'S ALL "oh it's just a bad dream, princess 🥺" BUT HE'S FREAKING OUT AT THE THOUGHT OF HER REGAINING HER MEMORIES SO HE LIKE FUCKING SCHEMES TO MESS WITH HER MIND AGAIN OR SOMETHING

I LOVE THIS AU SO MUCH OMG

[melonnabar]

MATT MURDOCK BPD STUDY??

From what I gauge with my own personal experience with having BPD, I think Matt possesses some borderline tendencies. I’m not diagnosing him really, mainly because while I have BPD, I am not a professional and not every one person’s experience with the disorder is the same as mine. Most of this is comparing the symptoms I have with some of the observations I’ve made with Matt from both the comics and the mcu show (and maybe a lil projection LOL)?? Will dump random comic panels in here as well :0

For a lot of people that have BPD, the main driving factors for 90% of everything is an intense fear of abandonment and a lack of self-worth.

Matt I think, does have a fear of abandonment, and it manifests in the form of him pushing others away despite him wanting otherwise. He assumes they’ll all just hate/reject him anyway. And this, he tells a lot of lies, keeps a lot of secrets from the people he cares about the most out of the fear that they might hate him and leave him even if it proves to be counterproductive. He wants to love people, and he wants to be loved back, but his fear of intimacy keeps him isolated from the people closest to him.

A lot of that definitely has to do with his mom abandoning him as a child, his father dying, and being raised by Stick. Stick beat into his brain that he should never trust people, that they’ll end up hurting him and leaving him anyway if they found out about what he was truly capable of with his senses, so why bother? (This is something shown more prominently in the show) And then he goes and abandons him too. That, and the prolonged verbal abuse from the only person he had left to latch onto definitely fucked up his brain.

When put into potentially triggering situations (such as being scrutinized/criticized by the people who care about him) I’ve recognized that he reacts like a person who’s been perpetually stuck with the defense mechanisms they’ve never grown out of as a child. As a kid, he wasn’t exactly allowed to lash out, to be upset, to have his feelings validated as a real person, and so all of that buildup he never got to properly experienced inevitably seeped into his adult life.

His self worth is basically nonexistent. He believes that he’s the devil, and as mentioned before, undeserving of any kind of love and attention from people. I also find it fascinating with the way he acts around different people. Most people generally do act differently depending on who they are hanging out with, but Matt transforms into a completely different person. Foggy has pointed out that when Matt is with Elektra, he becomes a worse person– that he gets more reckless, impulsive, and violent when he’s with her. I definitely believe that Matt was ‘living’ through his deep attachment to Elektra.

Matt suffers from a pattern of unstable interpersonal relationships. He either leaves them or fucks up something in the relationship (What Matt did to Milla as an example 😭) , they leave him, or they get killed. A lot of the turbulence in his relationships have to do with his mindset of his unwillingness to believe that they would choose to be with someone like him. It’s the “you’ll get hurt because of me” and the “why would you love a mess like me?” He’ll frequently get into heated arguments with the people around him, and sometimes he’ll end up saying something that’ll drive them out of his life. Matt will always regret it after, but will convince himself to avoid any further confrontations in a stressful situation because he doesn’t want to cause anymore trouble.

This pattern of thinking is pretty synonymous with the extremes of idealization and devaluation as well. Take his relationship with Foggy for example. Matt can go from putting Foggy on a pedestal and treating him as his “favorite person” to immediately holding contempt towards him and scowling at him (sometimes leaving too). He treats a lot of his his romantic partners like this too.

He is obviously extremely impulsive and is prone to fits of anger and violence. His entire nighttime career is dedicated to risky behavior and putting himself in a place where he’s literally just fighting the entire world even if he’s bleeding out half of the time. He knows that he’s slowly killing himself by going out and doing the things no one ever asked him to do, that he’s hurting himself, his relationships, his livelihood, but he can’t stop. I’m also 100% sure he experiences suicidal ideation straight up as well (it’s more explicitly shown/mentioned in the comics??)

Savior complex aside also, I think Matt only feels alive when he’s out there helping people, which in turn helps him cope with a lot of his psychological issues. I think feeling helpless and not doing enough is something that’ll eat away at him constantly if he doesn’t put on the suit.

Idk, sorry for the long rant?? I rly wanted to get this out for awhile, hope this is somewhat comprehensible 😭😭

[qweerhet]

i do think that the abolitionists who cling to the "it's simple, just kick abusers/assaulters/rapists/murderers out of the community" line are just... usually people who have never had the experience of someone they deeply, deeply care for, someone they have committed their life to, committing serious and egregious harm. (that, or they have, and like anti-abortion folks who get abortions for themselves when push comes to shove, they come up with narratives about how their situation was the most singular and special situation in the entire world, and nothing else like that could ever happen to anyone else.)

but like... when you run into that situation IRL, you generally find it's not ever as simple as kicking someone out, or rolling up with your crew and beating them until they promise to move somewhere else. they have complex relationships within the community, some of which aren't going to be willing to cut them off entirely no matter what they did. family relationships--regardless of biology, "family" in the broader sense of "chosen bonds of unconditional love and lifelong commitment"--are notably often capable of weathering severe strain, and that can include shit like "you're still my sister even if you murdered someone."

and people who commit harm IRL have complex and multifaceted reasons for committing that harm, some of which can be systemic in nature. this isn't to say that the harm doesn't exist, or that their actions are excused or justified by those reasons, but when you have an intimate relationship with someone and are privy to the complexities of the situation, those reasons do often materially complicate situations beyond just "beat the villain up and save the victims." if the serious harm someone is enacting is materially pressured by systemic factors, it's incredibly unlikely that it will change or stop if they're forced to move cities and cut off from their former relationships. in fact, when we're talking about abuse and trauma that's partially enacted due to material systemic pressure, it's more likely that someone will become even more unstable and volatile when forced to rebuild their life, and continue to enact even worse harm due to their decreased supports and increased vulnerability.

like... we're all damn well aware that when we, as abolitionists, talk about this shit, we're not talking about jeff bezos. we're not even talking about joe smith two neighborhoods over with a six-figure salaried position and a 401k that he started in the 70s. we're talking about the people in our abolitionist communities, who are victim to generational poverty, who are usually disabled, trans, nonwhite. we're people who don't have the option to just find a new job and start over in a new city one day. and we're people who exist at the nexus of intense, violent societal pressures pushing us to harm one another, to use what little hierarchical power we can get against each other, to commit real and lasting violent harm. that shit is complex in reality. that shit isn't addressed by a pithy "kill your local rapist" patch or a tweet questioning why anyone's still talking to [insert transfem who abused someone here].

and like. it's hard! it's upsetting and difficult and miserable to get into the weeds of "why did someone do what awful thing they did and how do we actually materially reduce the likelihood of that happening." because the answers usually don't involve forcing them to move or forcing everyone who speaks to them to cut them off or beating them, in reality, and even though those answers feel good and feel like real solutions, they're not only unrealistic, they also usually actually make future harm of the same kind more likely. and it's hard to wrap our heads around the fact that people will continue to hurt each other in profoundly horrific ways until we learn to dismantle the systems enabling that harm and heal the dysfunction within individuals that makes them feel like that harm was justifiable and necessary. that sucks. but in the end, i think it's the only... realistic way forward? because the ~just kick em out~ ~just kill em~ line is so, so ungrounded in reality.

[cosmiccowboystuddies]

the sunshine court notes

first things first riko needed to be brutally beaten to death, a shot was too quick

renee talked like a fortune cookie and it was pissing me off

i wish we got more of Wymack and Jean, it was very nice of him to get on the plane with Jean

jean immediately getting annoyed with basic life is really funny

jean is also really sassy and hilarious

also something weird happened in jeremeys house

my personally theory is that he had a sibling who died and his family thinks its his fault

like maybe an accident or maybe the sibling overheard something that they weren't supposed to and his sibling had to die as a result

whatever happened the butler knows about it and is trying to protect him

and whatever happened had to be bad because the act of dying his hair had his family ban him from the dinner table

neil believing his relationship with andrew as a strength his really good for his character, considering his mom was so keen on him not forming any connections

the fact that jean actually considered reaching out to his sister, only for him to learn that she was dead breaks me every time

and neil using her to force him into a belief that he doesn't deserve to belong to anyone but himself was a necessary cruelty.

i also like that Jeremey was the one who telling him about Rikos death was good

jean has no agency in the entire 1st act of the book, he is taken from the nest and basically held captive, then he is forced to go to the sunshine court, which he doesn't like but has to

the foxes all hide info from jean for his own good

and jeremey being the one to tell him is nice because jeremey is his first taste of freedom

jean talking about his abuse in such a casual manner is horrifying bc he thinks its so normal and its horrifying

" i didn't ask" broke me in so many ways because Jean doesn't particularly trust jeremey at the time, nor did it slip out while he was angry, he just said it so casually like it was normal

At first i felt bad for Lucas, but not so much anymore.

he was a sympathetic character who was trying to straddle a thin line of having faith in his captain and who he belives is a violent stranger and his brother who is not the same boy he know

but bringing Greyson to jean was soo fucking stupid it pisses me off

and the fact that jean wasn't even really fighting back, just trying to protect himself is upsetting

also the imagery of him punching the keypad over and over again just trying to get out is gutting

jean isn't a dog who bites, he's a dog who puts his foot to the fire because he believes that he is supposed to do

the water scene was sad as well because he was trying so hard to behave but physically could not

also Jeremey and really most people on the team meet his violence with unflinching kindness is really sweet

i also appreciate how jeremey doesn't force jean to talk about his trauma or even takes the notes from him, jean has had little to no control in his life since he was 15 and forcing him to talk about it when he wasn't ready would have made it worse

and jean asking jeremey to pretend was sweet and what was even sweeter when he did

jean learning to cook is nice as well because he needs life skills

theory for book 2: jeremey buys jean his freedom and jean becomes an exy coach ( more of a pipe dream i guess)

i also think Greyson will kill lucas

jeremeys saving grace being the thought of his sister deserving better is horrifying

i wish we got more of his relationship with Zane

neil is a real one because Jean compared Greyson to drake once, and Neil took care of it for him

jean being afraid of sleeping alone is so sad because he's basically been trained to sleep next to someone

and the fact that he has nighmares, but they are hardly mentioned, and jeremey is the one to bring it up is so sad

also kevin should have tried harder to reach out to jean

jean pushed away the foxes because he knew they would eventually leave him too

jean being steadfast in the idea that if he plays a good game he will have momentary peace is heartbreaking

jean holding onto his talent despite people thinking he slept his way to the top is also upsetting

i hope we get a zane and jean reunion bc i think they truly cared for each other

maybe kevin sends jean a postcard and a magnet and they can reconnect

also him realizing his very limited possesions have been destroyed made me almost cry

and the magnet scene with jeremey is very sad, but him realizing the magnets are broken make him realize that he is

kevin and jean still both being afraid of riko is telling bc riko is dead

let me know what yall thought... always willing to talk about all for the game.

[lifblogs]

My heart is breaking as I write this. I know I’m getting ahead of myself, but I’m truly a terrified mother. Loki went to the urgent care today for stomach upset. The appointment was pricey, as were the meds, so that is incredibly stressful, and it looks like I can’t even make cookies for my friends for Christmas, and that my idea of a Christmas Eve breakfast cannot happen. And my cat needs more meds, and more handling. This is all so hard.

I will say, the staff were incredible with Loki. They knew he had a history of medical trauma and violent behaviors from this, and they did more than just take great care of him, and keep him calm, but they truly adored him, and felt for him. I could tell some of what we had to discuss was not fun for these women. They really cared about Loki, and what has been going on, and were sad he doesn’t feel good.

So what’s going on? We’re not quite sure yet. Loki was given some meds at his appointment, and we went home with the meds. He has a probiotic, and an anti💩 med. They’re not sure the probiotic will work, but if it doesn’t that tells them more about his condition. So Loki’s bloodwork looked fairly excellent, even with the dose of phenobarbitol he gets for his brain tumors/structural epilepsy. However, they explained that this means it is not something acute going on with him. He hasn’t really gotten into any food that’s bad for him, Alley hasn’t caught this illness. Which leads us to other terrible roads. Loki has to be given gabapentin on Monday morning, and will be getting an abdominal scan. Sometimes they intravenously sedate animals for this, but the urgent care knew this was a risk given his epilepsy (I love how knowledgeable and attentive they were with every detail of his complicated health), so we do have to risk him feeling more sick to his stomach for a bit. As someone with several chronic stomach illnesses, and PTSD from one of those illnesses almost killing me in one of the worst ways multiple times, I hate to do this to him. I hate it so much. But we need this scan. The doctor currently thinks it’s possible he has a tumor in his colon. I think, given his brain tumors, it just means he’s prone to tumors in other parts of his body.

This is my son. This is my little baby boy who chose me to be his mommy when I was only 15. I have seen him suffer so much. I have seen him go through his bouts of sickness from herpes, being small his entire life from being born with an illness that kills most kittens, allergic reactions, seizures (perhaps the most traumatic thing I’ve witnessed in my life as it instantly broke my heart, and always does when he has a seizure or I kiss his little head, knowing somewhere beneath my loving touch there are growing tumors taking him away from me), nearly dying earlier in the year due to a still-unknown cause, and now dealing with being sick to his stomach and getting worse and worse.

Loki hasn’t been eating dinner, he hasn’t been playing much, he’s been sleeping a lot more. He’s sick. I know he knows he’s sick. I know. He’s in a lot of distress during the evenings and night. I wish I could take it all away for him. The meds will tide him over till his appointment on Monday, and if anything, tell us more about what could be wrong given if they work or not.

I know he’s a cat so I’ll live more lives in my single lifetime than he will, that I’ll have to say goodbye. But to see him so sick, to perhaps ready myself for goodbye even more… My throat hurts, my chest hurts. This is my son. He chose me, and I cannot let him down. I am there for him with everything, and I’ll be there when it’s time to say goodbye. I don’t know how I’ll live without this silly, thoughtful, loving, precious boy in my life. He’s my light, my joy, the reason I smile every day even while my life falls apart around me again and again. He’s everything to me. I’m glad with my health perhaps finding a better track I can be alive long enough to say goodbye to him. That’s my duty. And my heart is breaking.

Loki, knowing what I know now about all the agonies of loving you, I’d choose you again and again and again, in every lifetime. You are the greatest thing in my life, your happiness is my greatest accomplishment. You’re my baby. Loki, I love you so much.

[s1lly-gh02tz]

So I made a hc/rant/character analysis on spamton a few weeks ago and after reading over Jevil’s wiki page I decided to make one for him🥳

Personality:

I see Jevil as a pretty childish person. He struggles to take things seriously and he always jokes around during serious situations, even before he lost grasp of himself. He also does things very impulsively. If it comes to mind, he’ll do it without a second thought. It usually ends up with somebody getting physically hurt.

Jevil isn’t a very emotional person. He doesn’t really understand that what he’s been through and his emotions mean so he doesn’t really feel sad about it. However while he is “free” he does feel very lonely and everything he’s been through finally hits him. He realizes that he’s screwed up. He’s upset for a while but then he realizes it doesn’t matter. Everything’s just a game. He can do whatever he wants. This also means he ignores his emotions sometimes and does things to his absolute limits.

Story:

I see Seam as more of a friend/parental figure towards Jevil. I see Seam a lot older than Jevil and a lot more responsible and caring. They’re able to keep Jevil out of as much trouble as possible. The both of them always enjoyed playing games together, while that either playing literal games, doing tricks using their powers or fighting each other (but never actually hurting eachother)

The two were very well known and successful as entertainers. They would always perform for the king and large crowds and they loved it. Seam would for example, “cut Jevil in half” like that one magic trick. Jevil would juggle different things Seam threw at him etc etc.

Eventually when one day Jevil met that someone it entirely changed his view of the world. Although before he was childish, impulsive, and could never take things seriously all of these qualities basically doubled. He would speak very fast and always repeat words, making it a tad hard to understand sometimes. Seam became worried as time went on until one day Jevil took things too far, probably hurting someone.

This broke out a fight between them, first with yelling, and ending violently. Both of them were very skilled fighters, however Jevil had Seam beat. After a long, bloody battle Jevil swung the Devilsknife and took out the button in Seam’s eye, worsening their sight in that eye. Finally Jevil snapped out of his insanity for a moment. He couldn’t believe what he had done. He didn’t know how to feel.

Before things got any worse he was locked away in the castle. While in prison, the loneliness only made him drift further and further into insanity. He realized that he was the only one truly free. He was the only one who knew that everything was truly just a game. He could do anything while in there.

Although he laughed everything off, as I stated he missed everyone. He missed his friends, he missed Seam. But although he didn’t want to admit it, he was scared to see them again. He knew what he did was awful.

Other relationships:

OK OK SO THIS SECTION IS VERY HEADCANONY. NONE OF THIS (Or most atleast) ISNT CANON😫

anyways spamvil time🥳

so I’ve already said before what I think their relationship was before and after and how they met in my Spamton “analysis/headcanon” post. However I want to talk about what happened after they divorced.

While Jevil was in prison, he looked back on a lot of things, Spamton being one of them. They both really loved eachother. However when the both were driven into insanity, they couldn’t handle each other. Both of them weren’t themselves. Besides the two are actually pretty different if you think about it. For example, Spamton doesn’t feel in control. He’s a puppet. Jevil however is the opposite. He feels in control and that whatever he does, doesn’t matter. He can do whatever and it won’t affect anything.

Ok no more spamvil ☹️ seam time 🔥

As I said before I see seam as a parental figure towards Jevil. they took care of him and kept him safe. They were a great parent, however they couldn’t handle him after he met that person.

I don’t exactly know how Seam met Jevil but for a while Jevil helped Seam run their shop. Seam themself didn’t really have many friends, nor did they really want any. They liked being alone. However, they very much enjoyed Jevil’s company. He could really brighten seam’s day.

After all that shit happened, Jevil was fought and defeated, I feel like him and Seam reunited. Again, I haven’t really thought of how but maybe it would go along unexpectedly. Like Jevil could just be strolling around the kingdom and unexpectedly run into Seam’s shop. He didn’t really know what to do but he knew it would be best for him to just keep walking. He didn’t want to see what he had done to Seam, because he had blocked out as much of the memory as possible. However Seam did see Jevil outside.

Seam stepped out and called Jevil back. Jevil, for one of the first times ever, was scared. He looked Seam in the eyes and felt a wave of sadness and guilt. He saw the tear in Seam’s eye. The stitches holding together their fur. Unexpectedly, Seam was excited to see him. They hugged him and told Jevil how much they’d missed him. Jevil completely broke down, apologizing profusely for what he’d done. He cared about Seam more than anything. Seam had done so much for him. But Seam wasn’t mad. Seam realized what had happened to Jevil. They knew something had happened to make him that way

They hugged it out and stuff and they’re good now😸

Ok that’s about it! Lmk if anything’s screwed up bc I literally just came up with all of this on the spot😎

[cosmicjoke]

I think what a lot of people maybe don’t understand about Levi’s final interaction with Hange is that, it wasn’t because he was MORE upset about her impending sacrifice than any of his other comrades, including Erwin, it was simply that it was basically the “straw that broke the camel’s back”.  I keep seeing people talk about how this situation was different than the one with Erwin, because Levi ordered Erwin to make the charge with the new recruits, while he had to be convinced by Hange to let her go.  The problem I have with this framing of it is that it makes it seem like Levi didn’t feel equally upset at having to let Erwin sacrifice himself.  I feel like this goes back to my posts about the problems with shipping, and how it skews a person’s ability to objectively view what’s going on in any given scene or situation of the story.  Levi was OBVIOUSLY deeply upset at having to let Erwin go.  You can see that in the build up, and even the aftermath to him giving the order.  He trails after Erwin as Erwin explains his plan, and he has a similarly resigned and grief stricken look on his face during the course of it, before he finally accepts it and resolves himself to give Erwin the order, that familiar, stoic mask coming down over his face. 

But if you don’t think that this was every bit as hard for Levi as letting Hange go, well, I just have to say I don’t think you understand Levi’s character at all.  The entire core of Levi’s character revolves around his need to use his strength to help people.  He basically defines himself and his worth by whether he can save people’s lives or not.  And it’s absolutely devastating to him every time he can’t.  That’s the point.  There’s nothing worse for Levi than to have to accept there’s nothing he can do to save the life of someone he cares about, or even just a strangers life.  There’s nothing more upsetting to him than death in general.  He wants desperately to prevent it whenever he can.  It’s why he constantly orders his soldiers not to die.  It’s why he tried to take on the burden of killing as many of the five meter titans Zeke sent their way as he could, so that the new recruits wouldn’t have to engage and get killed, and why he wanted so badly to get to the other side of the wall in Shinganshina to help Hange and her squad.  It’s why Levi was so upset during the battle with the Female Titan in Trost, when he couldn’t join in and prevent others from getting hurt or killed.  Levi’s loathes death.  It’s why I always say he’s the character in AoT that’s most representative of the sanctity of life, and the value inherent in it, and why he’s also the character that most closely embodies the classic hero.  Some might call that ironic, given Levi’s also maybe the most violent character in AoT, other than Eren.  But then, that’s just further proof of his actual complexity and depth as a character.  That Levi both understands and accepts the brutal and unforgiving reality of the world and of nature, while at the same time, finding it so objectionable and wishing with all his heart to change it in whatever way he can.  He embodies the very notion of valuing life and treating it as something worth protecting and preserving.  It’s also why I always say, out of everyone in AoT, Levi’s suffered and sacrificed maybe the most, exactly because he constantly has to set aside his revulsion and horror at death in the hope of achieving freedom for humanity.  And not just freedom from the walls, but to gain freedom of choice and freedom of living.  He knows there’s nothing he can do to stop people from killing each other.  That’s human nature and he was raised in the bleakness of that reality.  But like he tells Historia and the rest of the 104th, he can at least stop them from losing their lives to something outside of their control and own choices.  He wants to prevent death in any way he can.  He wants to save lives.  Yet he has to make that choice again and again and again, to let others die so that more people can live.  The burden and damage this causes to Levi can’t be overstated, and yet is rarely, I think, understood or appreciated.

Back to my original point.  He didn’t order Erwin to his death with cold-hearted resolve.  He just ordered him with simple resolve, because that’s what Levi always does.  He accepts reality and stiffens himself against his emotions so that he can carry on with his duty.  But he doesn’t stop feeling, and that resolve doesn’t indicate a lack of emotion or of being affected on Levi’s part.  It’s a simple putting away of his emotions, into a place inside of himself where they won’t reach the surface and impair his judgment.  What makes the situation with Hange different, isn’t that he cared more about Hange than Erwin, or was more distraught at her death than Erwin’s.  It’s that it had just simply reached a tipping point for Levi.  Hange was the last remaining veteran beside Levi himself.  Everyone else was gone.  Countless other comrades had died in the service of a dream which had turned into an outright nightmare.  Levi himself was in the totally unfamiliar position of not being able to do much physically to help, and he was about to lose the last, real friend he had in the world.  His show of emotion in the scene with Hange, and afterward, is a symptom of Levi’s resolve finally beginning to crack under the weight of years upon years of impossible grief and setting aside his own, natural aversion to death in service to an impossible to achieve goal.  It was a culmination of EVERY loss he’d experienced and suffered up to that point.  It was the burden of every life he’d been unable to save bearing down on him.  Hange was simply the final blow which at last had Levi buckling under the assault of his own trauma.  That’s not to say Hange’s death wasn’t every bit as awful and impactful and heartbreaking for Levi as Erwin’s, or anyone else’.  Of course it was.  But again, I feel like people’s desire to believe Levi and Hange are in some sort of romantic relationship often obscures their ability to read things accurately, and in turn, it makes Levi out to be somehow callous or unfeeling toward others of his comrades and their deaths, when he never, EVER was. 

And yet still, somehow, Levi DOES manage to resolve himself, even after Hange’s death.  He begins to buckle, but he never does quite break.  People are complaining about the most recent episode of AoT, and Levi’s “angry eyes” after he accepts Hange’s sacrifice.  Of course, the art style doesn’t convey the subtle sadness in Levi’s expression as well as Isayama’s illustrations.  But Levi isn’t angry, and I don’t think the animation at all conveys or intended to convey that he is either.  He’s resolved.  We see that same resolve in the manga panels too, that coming down of the stoic mask, just like with Erwin, just like with his old squad, just like with the soldiers in the forest, etc...  He knows he has to be resolved, because he isn’t done fighting for everyone else’ lives and dreams.  We see that resolve manifest as stoicism, or a hardened look.  But never once would someone who knew the first thing about Levi’s character think it was because he felt indifferent or hateful or angry.  They would know it’s simply Levi’s way of coping with his pain in the service of his duty and in the face of impossible odds.  It’s his way of continuing to fight. 

[sunken-standard]

So I've been having a Very Bad Week

(as have many of you, I'm sure). Bad enough that I've been considering going to the 24hr mental health crisis center a few towns over (I won't, because I don't want the paper trail; once you sign the intake form it's an automatic 24hr psych hold and I don't want that on any kind of record because Nazis).

So Weds. I decided to switch therapists. I'd only talked to A. like three times I think, and I just wasn't feeling it. My last therapist, J., left the practice in August. Anyway, I called and they were able to get me an appointment with someone new Thursday morning, easy peasy, no grief at all for wanting to switch again so soon.

So I start my intake session with L., everything is normal (giving a very brief synopsis of my history and brain cooties and why I've had 5 therapists in 5 years [3 of them left! I'd still be talking to the very first one if he was still there!], blah blah). Then I say I'm really in crisis, thinking about going to the ER, whatever, and I mention it's because of the election.

I'm not going to lie or bullshit or whatever; my feelings and thoughts are why I'm in therapy in the first place and I shouldn't have to self-censor for anything (except admitting to crimes, but w/e). Anyway, this woman was like "I'm going to assume you voted for Harris?" (uh oh)

"I did."

"Well, mumble mumble, in the spirit of full discolsure, mumble mumble bullshit bullshit--"

"Did you vote for Trump?"

"Mumble mumble blah blah reluctance, yes I did."

"Oh that's all I need to know. Sorry, that's a dealbreaker for me." (I might have been a little clipped or curt, but I'm a blunt person and I don't waste time. I wasn't nasty or demeaning or anything, just completely honest.

"Oh, okay, I'll let the front office know and they'll call you back with a new appointment for someone else."

"Cool, thanks, Take care." All said politely, if a little coolly (compared to my normal customer service warmth; I would call it a baseline for most non-customer service people).

This was at 9:30 am. By 3:30 no one had called, so I figured I would (maybe they got swamped and then forgot, benefit of the doubt, whatever)

So I call. And I find out they decided to have the office manager call me on Monday because of how rude and abusive I was (????!!!!!) and they'd already come out to the reception area to warn all the other therapists of what kind of person I am.

What

The

Fuck

So this woman had lied and twisted everything around, said I told her to shut up, I insisted on knowing who she voted for, I was rude, all this kind of shit. And I can't prove a thing because nothing is recorded or whatever. So it's the professional's word against mine, known crazy person. I was so upset, I was crying on the phone and everything (and even worse, my voice got stupid so it sounded like fake crying, but I couldn't stop it or reign it in).

I made sure to give my side of things. I was very very clear that I never said "shut up" because I just don't talk like that in a professional relationship. I was also clear that she made it political by saying she assumed I voted Harris (which, let's be real, is the same as asking), and that I don't think it's unfair for me to ask the same and make a decision about my treatment based on that answer. Sorry if I don't want to be vulnerable in front of a person who actively voted against my rights as a human being ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

So now I have to wait all weekend to see if I'm going to be dismissed from their care, meaning cut off from all my drugs (really don't give a shit about therapy, it doesn't work anyway).

I've mostly calmed down, but I took a lot more drugs than I'm supposed to in combinations I'm really not supposed to just to calm me down enough that I don't think I'm going to have a heart attack, throw up, or violently shit myself from my fight or flight response. (and it only took 27 hours of gross overmedicating to do so!)

Anyway, buckle up kids, this is the future now and this sure as shit ain't going to be an isolated incident.

[alacarhelsng]

The Request

Finally, he was going to see his mate-sprite again. The only issue was getting to that ship and back out alive. His odds of completing such an insanely idiotic feat were worse than nothing especially alone. Which meant he was going to have to do the thing he hated doing the most and ask for help.

It was with that thought in mind that he found himself standing in front of Vlad's hive, a hand raised to announce himself. Pride, doubt, and fear held him frozen there for a minute, then 2. It would have likely been another 3 or 4 before he even made the choice to knock or not if not for the red that leaned over and knocked for him.

When he looked over his shoulder to find out who the hand was attached to it was somehow both surprising and completely expected to Lonque standing just behind him. How the larger-than-normal troll managed to sneak up on him without so much as a whisper Alacar didn't know or have time to think about. "Thanks.." He spoke hesitantly but Lonque simply nodded with a smile on his face that was simultaneously warm and smug.

The door opened before Alacar could decide whether or not to punch the troll in his face, even if it was unlikely that he'd land the hit to begin with. The familiar and unfamiliar face of Syhren greeted him with a cold glare. 'Hel-" The door was slammed violently in his face, so he waited patiently until he heard muffled talking from the other side of the door. If he wanted to he could have listened it but doing so to Vlad was one of the few lines he wouldn't cross. Shortly after the muffled conversation ended the door opened again to a slight bemused Vlad. "I was wondering why she was so agitated, she's still upset about her.... coalescence. Why don't you come in so we can chat." His eyes met with Lonque's and the silence stretched between them for a very long, very uncomfortable, amount of time before he finally continued with, "Your friend is also free to join us of course." Inside the hive of his Moirail Alacar felt a profound sense of comfort, as well as a mild sense of looming danger. As if the she-demon staring daggers at him was gearing up to slit his throat the moment he let his guard down. She likely would too if he wasn't so important to one of the only people that cared about her on this forsaken rock.

"Hello again Syhren." He said to her, his tone dripping with forced cordiality "Demon." she shot back with cold venom. "Now that's just hurtful, after everything I did for you?" "More like what you did TO me you-" "Syhren stop." Vlad cut in before the verbal combat between the 2 of them could escalate into something much worse. "Do not condemn him for my wants." Syhren glared at Alacar in the way that only someone that had experience death could glare but relented and sat down in a chair away from the group but still close enough to hear and contribute to the conversation if she felt the need to insult Alacar. At least that what he assumed she would do if she dained to interject. "So what brough you over today?" Alacar's mental villianization was brought to an abrupt end with Vlad's question and the hostillity he felt towards Syrhen instantly dissolved into dread. "I-" He swallowed, unable to keep eye contact with the man in front of him. " I need your help...." "With?" "I found them.... I finally found Calmet but I can't get them without help." "I see." Because he wasn't looking at Vlad he could see the exact moment Syrhen decided to add her two cents, rather explosively as well. "Fuck. You. We shouldn't be helping that- that THING at all!" Despite her outburst Vlad didn't admonish her at all, instead asking Alacar a question. "Where are they?" The very question Alacar was dreading to hear and hoping he could get away with never having to answer until Vlad already agreed to help. For the first time in a long time Alacar was scared beyond just the primal fear for his life. He was scared Vlad would deny him, reject him and let him go it alone to what would surely be his doom. Worse than that, he was scared that he might say yes and die helping him. For that reason he remained silent, eyes staring at the floor until he felt a hand on his shoulder. Once again Lonque was silently lending a hand to the troubled troll for no other reason than he wanted to and it made the fear and doubt a little thinner and easier to wade though. "They..... they're on a ship, a ship that is in the empress' fleet. Ship number 8375." "No." Syhren answered on behalf of Vlad. "That's asking us to die for you, a monster like you isn't w-" "I'll go." Vlad cut her off. "V you can't." "I can, and I will. Alacar is the reason you're still in my life Doll, I owe him." Syhren clenched her fist in rage as she stared down Vlad until finally softening for the briefest of moments before her icy gaze snapped to Alacar again. "I'm going too."

Not wanting to agitate the very very dangerous woman Alacar simply nodded in agreement with her. It's not like saying no would stop her and more people made the operation much more feasible to a point. Besides, having the incredibly lethal assassin on his side would be a nice boon. He also did in fact recognize that he was justifying her coming along to himself so that he would still feel in control which was a bad habit he probably should be trying to break. He instead moved on. "I have a man on the inside, the previous agent I was using overreached getting me this information but this one doesn't know he's working for me yet so hasn't had the chance to fail." "How do you know he's going to listen to you demon?" "Easy, I know who he's in red with even if it's unrequited and All I need to do is get that person to tell him what to do, as long as my orders are coming through their lover they'd probably kill themselves just because they asked." "Names, and will this lover listen to you?" Vlad spoke up "The worker's name is Rimmer and the person he's in lover with is Qimzal, and yes he'll listen to me we're close friends him and I." "Wow, I didn't know monsters could have friends. " Syhren added sarcastically. "Oh and I thought we were getting along so well!" Alacar quipped back to which Syhren hissed at him, actually hissed like a cat. The action was so terrifying it made him jump back and Vlad snickered at his expense. The exchange even seemed to make Syhren slightly happier. She stood up and took out her palmhusk. "I'm going to let Harvey know." "Doll don-" "No V, Harvey needs to know that we're both going to be in danger, he won't be okay if something happens and he didn't know about it." Once again they stared at each other, a silent battle of wills before this time Vlad caved and slumped into a chair. "Fine, but if he insists on coming I'm holding you accountable." "Oh no, I guess I'll die.... oh wait." She smirked and walked out of the room while Vlad massaged the bridge of his nose in frustation. "Sometimes I swear..." "I'm going." Both Vlad and Alacar snapped their heads up to see Lonque who had be silently watching the conversation the entire time, so quietly that they had both forgotten he was even there. Alacar opened his mouth to object but was silenced by Lonque speaking once again. "I'm going." It was a statement of fact, he would be there and Alacar would have to accept it. He was dumbfounded, this troll owed him nothing but was willing to die to help him out. Alacar couldn't help but to laugh.

[uhhhitsme]

ok so i completely scrapped what i was writing for this and wrote this in the span of 1 hour lol anyway i finally have that drabble for you :] i don't like how it came out, but i've tried writing this too many times and just sort of gave up lol :P hope u enjoy :]

(the prompt was "it could be worse" and curtwen i believe :])

"it could be worse."

"correct dear, you could be dead."

after a mission where just about everything that could, when horribly, horribly wrong. The pair were being moved to a nearby safe house while their agencies figured out where to go from here.

they had ended up miscalculated just how many people were in the facility during their prior stake out. leaving them wholly unprepared during the mission. The pair of spies were left effectively cornered by enemy guards as they went to leave with the files gathered moments earlier. Fortunately they were able to escape, not without sustaining a few injuries. it wasn't their finest moment, but it could've gone worse all things considered.

Well, most things could've gone worse.

“c’mon owen, why- why’re you so upset abou’is anyway?”

Curt is still standing stubbornly upright even as he fumbles with the hotel key. How he’s even conscious, let alone lucid is perhaps more of a mystery then why Curt somehow has the gall to whine about Owen not entertaining his piss poor attempts at convention.

if he were in mood owen would have probably already made multiple references to shakespeare’s julius caesar, perhaps even a mournful monologue about how he knew that curt’s life would have ended today as his body lays a bloody fountain. of how he had dreamt of it the night before but had swallowed his worries for his partner’s sake. Unfortunately Owen was not in the mood for their normal post mission chitchat; even if that meant passing up the opportunity for poorly concealed literary references.

“it's ot’even the worst mission we've been on, heh, wait owen you remember bac’in- fuck, dropped the key.”

“just hand me the key curt, we don't have all day.”

Despite Owen's explicit request, Curt stayed positioned in front of the door, trying to get the now blood-slicked key into the slot. At this rate Curt could very well be dead before he even got it in the keyhole.

Why had he even gotten shot as much as he did? Owen barely had a single bullet nick him yet Curt seems to be sporting three bullet holes. two with exit holes, one without. the one without an exit hole far too close to the heart for Owen's liking.

Curt eventually gets the door unlocked, signaled by a quiet “ah ha!”. He pushes the door open, and gives Owen a smile that's way too cocky for someone who just spent 7 minutes trying to open a door. once inside their crappy hotel room, well not crappy per say, it is marginally nicer than most of the rooms they've been given, this one has a actually functioning shower, so that was something. owen goes to grab what he needs to care for curt's gapping bullet wounds.

“Curt, love, go lay on the bed would you?”

“Mmhm, ‘ine.”

Curt slumps down on the nearest of the two beds, and it immediately becomes more apparent how well he’s faring, which to put it lightly, is not well. He’s shaking rather violently, his head is tipped back and his eyes are screwed shut either in an attempt to block out the pain, or to avoid seeing the blood thats currently escaping his body.

“ow’n what's takin’ so lon’? you're the one who wan’ed to take that bull’t out of me any’ay.”

that was not a good sign, curt doesn't even slur his words that much when he's completely shitfaced. in more of a panic than he'd like to admit, owen grabs the medical bag, which was thankfully left out on the table. bringing to back to where curt is he beings layout what he'll need. bandages, tweezers, a pre sterilized suture kit, and curt's flask of whiskey.

“shirt off old boy, need to see the damage.”

with a grunt curt manages to shrug his jacket, and after a hard fought battle against his undershirt, sheds that as well. leaving him in only his pants, which lucky for owen's sake, aren't hiding any injuries outside of a few scratches.

taking some of the gauze and wetting it with the whiskey, owen begins to clean of the surrounding of the wound; being gentle with the already agitated skin.

“hhrrggg.”

“mmhm, i know love, it'll just be a second. can't have you getting an infection now can we?”

after the three spots of interest are deemed cleaned enough for owen's liking, he sets the last bit of gauze aside and goes to grab the tweezers. giving no warning, he plunges the them into hole in curt's arm, pulling a high pitched cry from his mouth. owen may be playing nurse for curt right now because he cares about the man, but that doesn't mean he still isn't livid about curt taking unnecessary injuries for no reason.

“oh, sorry darling, did that hurt?”

his voice is dripping with faux sympathy, and even in curt's state he's picked up on that.

“ ‘top being a dick ow’n, m’ sorry about gettin’ ‘urt ok?”

“how about you stop looking like you're someone’s target practice?”

owen discards the bullet and the tweezers beside him, he clean it up later. next his hands move to the suture kit. grabbing the pre threaded needle he begins stitching up curt’s skin.

“why are ‘ou even so worked up about this? you ‘id’nt want’a talk ‘o me.”

“i just don't understand why we always end up here.”

“en’up where?”

owen doesn't respond

“o?”

“stitchs are done.”

surely curt has to understand what he's getting at by now? grabbing a roll of bandages, he begins slowly wrapping around curt's bicep. his sharp, clipped tone moments ago in juxtaposition to the way he delicately holds his arm in place; all the while carefully covering the newly stitched injury on his arm.

“ wait no ow’n wha’ did you mean by ‘at?”

“we always end up like this curt, because you can never seem to not get your ass used as a training dummy it seems-”

“i said i was ‘orry-”

“that's not enough curt! jesus christ- you're always running into danger without thinking,it's getting to the point where i'm starting to wonder if you're trying to get yourself killed!

“i- ow’n.”

letting out a shaky breath owen stand up and begins to put everything away moving back to his suitcase.

“your bandages are done.”

“please owen-”

“tell me why.”

“....what?”

owen turns around to face him.

“tell me why it's seems like you have a death wish curt.”

curt stares at him wide eyed for a few seconds

“i don't ‘ave a death wish.”

a sardonic chuckle worms it way out of owen's throat

“really? i'm hard pressed to believe that.”

“i don't, really!”

they stare at each other for a few painful moments before owen turns around. they prepare for the move to the safe house in complete, awkward silence. leaving owen's mind to wander. normally in the silence left between them he’ll go to ideas about what a life with curt would be like, sweet, silly fantasies that would never see the light of day.

however, in this particular instance he keeps being drawn to infinite different ways the two of them could die. trying to push the thoughts aside owen sighs, closes his eyes, and lays himself on the bed he claimed the day prior. soon after he hears the creek of the adjacent mattress as curt sits himself on the side of it.

before being able to slip into what he hopes is a dreamless sleep, he’s dragged back to reality by curt mumbling something.

“what was that love? speak up would you?”

“i do it to protect you”

owen sits up at that

“im sorry?”

“i do it to protect you, i mean, i throw myself into danger to protect you.”

“you don't have to protect me”

“but i do, i do. i need to, i wouldn't know what to do with myself if you died”

well if that isn't a confession that shakes owen, not really knowing where go go from there, and being admittedly way too tired from the day to think reasonably, decides that now’s as good a time as any to make a stupid, idiotic, possibly life-ruining decision.

crossing over to curt's bed owen sits down next to him. curt, too busy messing with the sheets, doesn't notice owen until he grabs his hand in his own

curt turned and with him looking up at owen with poorly concealed hope, he decides that, fuck it, i guess he's actually doing this.

“i wouldn't know what to do with myself either”

“well- how about we just stick with each other then?”

“you know that it wouldn't be easy."

“but?”

“it could be worse”

“a lot of things could be worse doll”

“i have to agree with you there”

<3

[scalamore]

Thoughts on the latest Ch 110

If I were a manhwa reader, I think I would be pleased with what I've seen in the comic. It's actiony, it's emotional, it's clear that RupeLali are both suffering and miserable. The issue is that... I'm a novel reader, and other novel readers on KKP who commented on the latest chapter agree: the adaption of this long-awaited climax's first part... was not handled well :( It's a unanimous agreement that the chapters it's adapting, is extremely rushed, and for some reason, was rearranged as well. :(( The things that were super noticeable were:

the removal of almost all of Rupert's monologue, AKA his POV. The poor guy was absolutely devastated when the end result of him running all over the palaces looking for her, to see her unconscious in a sea of flames

the manhwa removed Rupert's flashback of how he got his injuries while saving Lari - by the time he found her, the wooden structures were already burning to the point the ceiling was caving in, and he suffered worse injuries and burns because he was the one shielding her from all the debris and flames.

With the removal of Rupert's internal monologue, readers are missing out on how desperate and lost he's feeling right now, because Lari just wouldn't wake up despite days passing. He's a mess that can't eat or sleep (as shown by the eye bags)

Lari's nightmares was rearranged from the middle of the chapter to the start. The way that it's placed now, gives the impression that she has regressed dozens of times (like how ppl interpreted the MTLs when they give tiktok spoilers...), but in actuality, she was depressed from House Belois' betrayal, and she was broken even more when she was trapped in those nightmares. The novel goes into MUCH more details of what happened in those nightmares (as well the novel mentioning many times before that she had them, just never in detail until now), but the reason why Lari is so utterly devastated when she wakes up, is that she's completely convinced that there is absolutely no way she and Rupert can be happy together. After dozens of regressions, it's either he who dies, or she/her family does. So in the end, she chooses for Rupert to survive.

After she wakes up, the manhwa omits most of Rupert's desperate pleas, the ones that are iconic to the series. It removes the part where he's literally begging her to explain things to him, to explain what's going on, where he's trying to get it through to her how much he cares about her, the utter disbelief and shock when she reveals that she thought of him as someone who could kill her at any time ... but they decide to include the least important part, which is the mention of House Belois/family. Super questionable choice. I don't know if they're saving/rearranging this conversation to be in 111, or if they're completely omitting it... idk. we'll find out this Friday.

Also, i wasn't pleased with the lehan chapters right before this. manhwa Lari was not nearly as rude/violent as the novel. There, she yelled at him more, shoved him away, and screamed at him to not even call her "Sister" anymore. She was super distressed and not acting her usual self, while the manhwa version is just "very upset" Just my grumblings :(((((

[shirogane-oushirou]

Ro, my friend, bestie!!!! Star, galaxy, black hole and moon for the ask game!!! Any of the guys in your life who you are inspired to gush about can answer them!!! :3 (I love asking about Ren SO MUCH but you also have other sweeties and I don't want to neglect them 💖)

( @verykissablepixels )

THANK YOU REFFIEEEEEEEEE!!!!! 🥺💕💕💕 i'll probably still end up answering for ren bc i'm so ren-pilled skdfkjn, but i'll throw in some of the others where i think they fit!!!

Star- Does your F/O do anything to calm you when you're upset?

i think ren would actually encourage me to be outwardly upset more often ;; not in an unhealthy way, but because i don't really express those kinds of things anymore. if something seems like it's upsetting me but i'm not Doing anything with it, he might ask me some questions, probe a bit to see if it's something i REALLY don't want to talk about, and suggest i vent a bit or cry on his shoulder... and once that's done, we'd go fix something to eat and he'd pump me full of electrolyte water LMAO. ;;

(and it's work both ways tbh -- doc!ren has even worse issues with expressing negative emotions than i do, and r!ren expresses them through being bitchy to people who are being bitchy to him ksjdfn, so i'd want to help them vent in healthy ways when they're upset!)

gray's pretty simple with his methods... he's one of the most mature people in wonderland (which isn't saying much tbh, he's just better at it than the others), and since he fills so many job roles while working for nightmare, he knows how to approach people. so he'd sit me down in a quiet room, far from the hustle and bustle of the busy areas of clover tower, and ask what's wrong. he'd let me get it all out, politely interjecting where need be, and then once i'm done he'd suggest that he could make hot drinks for us (to which i'd have to reply that I'D make them kjsnfjkn, i don't trust him to boil water let alone mix ingredients ;;;). and if it turned out that my issue was due to someone being threatening or violent, he would... take care of the issue later... :)

oushirou's a silly guy, but he has a very serious side as well. he'd sit with me, encourage me to let things out, hold my hand, and maybe help problem solve a bit. he likes to keep up a daily stream of communication when possible, so if he got Vibes from an earlier chat, he might let me vent when he gets back home and then be like, "btw i picked up dessert for us on the way back for no particular reason whatsoever, so look forward to that!" he knows i know it WAS for a particular reason, and he lets me huff at him for being frustratingly good at picking up on things i try not to let others see. and while he isn't as retaliatory as gray, if i was upset at something a stranger said / did to me while out and about, he might play bodyguard for a while juuust in case i need someone with a strong kick with me ;;;

mars is quieter in his approach. he'd cuddle up and ask if something was wrong -- they know if it's something important enough to me that i'll let it out with a little prodding. he'd just hold me as i vent, and when i'm done, they'd thank me for feeling like i can trust him. and then we'd just... "move on" -- once the emotions are out it's better to focus on something emotionally fulfilling! he's like a more immediately open oushirou -- it wouldn't take much time for them to feel close enough to pick up on those things and know how to help me deal with them in the moment and after, and like oushirou, they generally know when to play it cool around violent people, when to be threatening, and when to actually make good on those threats.

Galaxy- What do you and your F/O do when one of you is homesick?

both rens have complicated feelings about their family homes, feeling a weird mix of nostalgia and disgust. by the end of his whole story, doc!ren ends up not being able to go back At All, Literally Cannot, so sometimes he has that contradictory, "well now that i CAN'T, a part of me wants to go back after all......" feeling. I think in his case, the only thing we can do is just be together for however long he needs, doing things that remind him of the better moments back there in a, "there are still things from there that you have here," sense.

and this particular s/i's brand of homesickness is like a low, constant, simmering feeling of homesickness they've long adjusted to... poorly adjusted, but adjusted nonetheless hhhh. just being around doc!ren helps to soothe those feelings, and as the relationship continues they start to disappear. "i have a new home now, and it's you," vibes. 💕

r!ren's a bit easier KJNDKJN. he misses visiting his grandparents, who he's closer to than doc!ren is. we'd end up sitting somewhere cozy, and he'd either call or video chat with them and we'd all talk together. i'd start learning french to bridge the gap a bit, but ren would still translate when needed. talking to and spending time with the people he loves helps a ton on its own (he does want to take me to visit them in person at some point though hehe).

this verse is fairly close to reality, aka i live with family, so no homesickness for me lmao.

oushirou is less homesick than one would think -- yeah he's constantly traveling, but it's the one thing he's always known he wanted to do, enough to completely cut contact with his disapproving parents over it. he'd still miss the winter crew and me, and would visit whenever he could, but i'd say it's less like homesickness and more like... if they and i could travel with him, he'd never feel the desire to return home. traveling IS his home. we do, however, having some matching clothes and items so that, when he can't visit for a while or if he loses service and can't call / text, we can still feel connected!

also living at home here so no homesickness for me, but i do miss oushirou dearly, which makes it all the more important to him that we make the most of every possible moment together when he has the opportunity to visit!!

gray doesn't have any homesickness. he's pretty much like everyone in wonderland (except ace) in that regard. -I-, however, do feel some homesickness in spite of myself, and this sends gray in to a quiet panic. in his mind, i'm homesick -> i want to go back home -> i'm going to leave wonderland and never be able to return. so despite knowing how manipulative it is, he constantly takes me out on dates (platonic or romantic) to places he KNOWS i'll adore. wonderful restaurants, art supply shops, spots on the roads between locations that he thinks i might want to draw, doing physical activities that i can't manage back home... he wants to show me that wonderland is better than anything i had going on before. he'd freely admit to all of this if i called him out on it or if it seemed like it was making things worse, but despite his mature exterior he really is just as willing to sweep details under the rug as any other wonderland resident if it means keeping someone he cares about nearby.

Black Hole- Have you ever had a strange dream about your F/O?

all of my oc f/os have been sourced from strange dreams tbh so i won't even go into them lJSNIFLN, their stories are really just edited versions of my initial dreams about them.

i have Fucking Weird dreams about oushirou all the time though. it's mostly things like "i found a secondhand shop for doujin, and there's SO MUCH OUSHIROU DOUJIN I'VE NEVER SEEN BEFORE!!! I HAVE TO BUY IT ALL!!!!"... but also absolutely unhinged shit, like one where we met at a library we were sheltering in and, over the course of a couple of days, fell in love, he was bitten by an animal and developed RABIES????, we decided to get married before he was too far gone, and then i became a widow. so. KJNAKJN.

and i won't go too far into details bc i said i wouldn't, but mars was technically created from an oushirou dream set in a zombie apocalypse. he was a test subject to see if zombies could be "brought back", and i was brought in as like... an impromptu chat buddy to help with socialization. scientific overreach etc etc the arrogance of man etc etc. years later i rewrote it to make more logical sense, made that oushirou into my oc, and used the whole thing to work through chronic illness feelings (yay yippee love to dump my issues on my ocs weehee)!

i've also had some very weird ones with raven, like when he and rita slipped through spacetime into this world, and we met by chance and all bonded pretty quickly. or when he was an... instructor? at some kind of summer camp for adults?? and while it didn't seem like i stood out to him much at first, he actually stuck up for me at one point and kept wanting to connect after that. idk, weird things with no real rhyme or reason but that don't even come CLOSE to the weirdness of the oushirou dreams lol.

Moon- What's something your F/O does that never fails to make you happy?

being cute hehe 💕

doc!ren: he's very good at sussing out things that someone would ENJOY doing but may not have a reason to go out of their way to do, so he helps me get out of my comfort zone safely and understands if/when i hit my energy limit. i also love when he feels he trusts me enough to release "you will regret this" levels of infodump on me KJNFKJN, it's so cute and sweet and his enthusiasm is contagious.

r!ren: my LORD is he good at making me feel special!! and with his personality, it's clear it isn't just a matter of niceties or being a flirt. i feel so happy every time i can see how genuine he his, how far he's willing to go just to provide comfort, how he wants to be around me just as much as, if not more than, i do. how, if i have to cancel a date bc of a flare-up, he'll immediately come over with a care package filled with healthy (and secret not-so-healthy 🤫) goodies to keep me going for a day or two. 🥺

oushirou: genuinely just... his everything. but in particular, his over-the-top silly antics really get me. he'll make mundane things sooo dramatic just for the sillies + the joy it brings to others. he has great emotional intelligence and puts his ALL into helping those around him feel better. (also i know vaguely-horny does not equal happy.... but he sure does make me happy when he canonically KICKS THROUGH DOORS ksndfkjn like helloooooo?? sir??? 😳 that one scene has made me so Not Normal for the past 11 years....)

mars: something as simple as holding their hand. we're both very protective of each other -- we kind of have to be, given our situation -- so they often provide a sense of comfort. whether we're just sitting and reading together, or we're doing some activity to stimulate his cognitive function, or we simply cuddle in his holding chamber, they emanate a strong sense of safety, and i can really feel it through his light hand touches and rubbing the back of my hand with their thumb. and in a world that's gone to shit, that simple, caring touch means so much.

gray: OOOOOH his gap moe mode kjsndfkjn. after the serious answers, i get to the serious character and my answer is just "when he goes googoo gaga over anything soft and fluffy." he's so cute in jnkna when he's fishing on a frozen lake and a little seal becomes his companion 😭 and he names it after alice and puts a little alice bow on it 😭😭 he even gets cute when peter turns into his rabbit form -- as peter yells and scratches and curses at everyone, gray's still like 😳 bnnuy.... 💕💕💕💕💕

raven: when he's being a little drama queen ksjndfjn. i think there's plenty of room for quiet, serious talks that end with us feeling happy with our situation, but nothing beats when he's teasing karol or being a little silly guy! just a little 5'7 guy!! and it's his birthday!!!!! etc ksjdnk. his skits always crack me up, bc more often than not he's so unhinged for NO REASON! he's just LIKE THAT!! and yet he still thinks "raven" is a mask. nah man. you are all of your masks, the masks were always part of you, and that means part of you is a silly little trickster and Local Weirdo (tm).

[ollyou]

It’s kind of funny because I’m always drawing olly either slightly annoyed or even straight up happy, but in actuality, I still think the guy’s a bit crazy!

Referring to my own interpretation of olly, i’ll be calling him colly… but yeah. Sometimes i think to myself about how funny the range of his emotions are because in the events of PMTOK (the “canon” part of the game), I interpret him to be EXTREMELY mentally unstable, only getting worse the further Mario and co. get on their way to him.

(Putting the rest under the cut because I ramble a LOT about colly)

Colly’s typically more reserved, albeit full of himself. He’s still a bit of an asshole and can even be cruel (enough to essentially try killing his own sister), but is more calm about it. It’s when he’s been especially ticked off that he becomes very violent. When he has outbursts, they’re extreme ones— full-on lashing out against whoever has upset him enough to invoke his wrath. He’d love to watch his enemies become torn to shreds, over and over again until they’re specks of dust on the ground.

It’s something I find really interesting. Colly’s VERY cold and lacks sympathy for anyone. All he cares about are his own ambitions. It’s like, imagine dating this guy! You shouldn’t. That would not be very pleasant. He’s sadistic and wishes for nothing but suffering upon his foes. He doesn’t treat people for who they are— he sees most of those he likes as objects, made for him to tinker with and form into his ideal image of them. Not for their benefit, but for himself. He’s analytical of others when not upset, and when he is properly upset, he pretty much blacks out and is consumed by his own rage. He crumples and tears and smothers those in his way until someone is either trapped or dead. It’s almost as if he’s another person, controlled by emotion and nothing more.

But that’s what I love about writing him. He invokes the most passionate and strong feelings when trying to portray him properly, and it’s interesting to try and get into the mind of someone so horribly screwed up. He’s someone you absolutely do not want to be, but someone who may embody the emotions you want to hide away, the emotions that distress and horrify you. A bit sociopathic, in some ways…?

He’s got some mental issues that need to be addressed, HAHA (and yes, ofc it’s okay if I say that— I’ve got mental issues too). My awful screwed up guy I hate but adore and love at the same time.

And I’ve already gone over it before, but… it’s like, “If he’s so awful and feels almost nothing for others, then why is Colly dating Solly?” aside from their relationship starting from a joke.

Well, I’ll answer it again: it’s because in a way, that IS Colly. It IS Olly. It’s someone only who, in the whole wide world, could understand Colly to the absolute maximum. Despite bickering at the beginning, they got close.

It’s a bit messed up too, when you think about it, huh…? Two mentally unstable older teens / young adults getting into a relationship because they feel they’re the only ones who understand each other in the whole universe. Is this what they call “toxic yaoi”…?

Well, they develop their relationship later on and become a lot more healthy. It’s because they’re both narcissists, only being capable of loving themselves, despite all the hatred they harbor towards what was done to their bodies by their creators, too… and when they finally awake from their evil deliriums, they’re able to fully enjoy themselves without any of the strange dependency they developed towards one another while fighting to fold those 1000 cranes.

Basically, I love Colly. I love awful, screwed up, crazy, mentally unstable characters. I love the psychological aspect of it. I love Olly.