#it genuinely reminded me my life wasn't as bad as it is now

[brainrotcharacters]

hi I'm Eliza I'm Filipino and I cried during the credits montage of Deadpool and Wolverine

[jnnul]

ric flair drip

a/n: oh my god. it's finished. i've finally written all of her. i genuinely don't know how to explain the relief i feel right now. it feels strange writing this after writing and healing myself through writing this. i hope that anyone in college who's feeling the way y/n or jaehyun did knows that you can and will grow from it. heartbreak is inevitable and so is growth. quick note: feedback, comments, etc. GREATLY encourage writers! if you felt any sort of way (in a good or bad way!) about this fic, pls leave feedback!

word count: 20k

tags: college au!, frat boy!jaehyun x girlboss!y/n, honestly it just a dissertation about modern love and how people nowadays love each other, there's a lot of soul searching in this one, i poured my heart and soul into this please love her the way i do warnings: mentions of sex, underage drinking, and general college shenanigans! also explicit mentions of oral sex, uhhh foreplay and sex

HONESTLY, NOTHING ABOUT JUNG JAEHYUN IS REMOTELY APPEALING TO YOU. you hate the perfect boy act he puts on, you hate his need to impress everyone and everything, and you really fucking hated his dick.

because if it wasn't for his dick, which you were sure is just as perfect as the rest of his stupid self, you wouldn't be awake at inhumane hours, listening to your friend recount their sexcapades.

"oh my god, and then he did this thing with his tongue and i swear, i'm literally never going to be able to have oral again. he's fucking ruined me. i'm genuinely going to just make every guy i fuck put a jaehyun mask on from now onwards just to recreate it," sia yoo, unfortunately one of your best friends, quips dreamily. she yelps when roseanne park, your roommate and singular other voice of reason, throws a pillow at her.

"you sound like a fucking psycho. as in needs to be checked to a mental facility psycho. as in if i hadn't heard worse when you got with johnny suh, i'd be calling the cops right now psycho," roseanne says and easily ducks when sia winds up to throw the pillow back at her. fatima khan, sia's roommate and mother friend extraordinaire, pouts sympathetically with sia as the two of them turn to you as if you would fall on their side.

"sia, baby, honey, love and light of my life - i'm really sorry but i'm with rosie on this one," you say and sia puts on the most theatrical frown you she possibly could before she cocks her head curiously.

"rosie's got a reason for judging jaehyun since she doesn't even like men all that much. what's your excuse, y/n? you like men, judging by the way you were getting railed to next week by that freshie park seonghwa. you've never gotten dicked down by jaehyun."

you're half-tempted so tell sia that it's not fucking weird that you got with seonghwa, considering the fact that you're only a sophomore yourself but you're even more tempted to remind her that even though you were no stranger to a good time, you never recount your stories.

in fact, the only reason why the other three (well, you suppose rosie would know regardless given that you literally live with her) know about your sex life is because you choose to tell them whenever you felt like it. and usually, it was more than three days after the encounter.

you loved your friends, you really did - and sia was notorious for getting into one night stand rehash sessions at ungodly hours, so this was nothing new - but for some reason, every time jaehyun's name came up in the conversation, your skin would prickle with irritation.

maybe it was the fact that every single person around you seemed to be infatuated with him. or the fact that he was just so effortlessly good at capturing the attention of everyone in the room, no matter where he was.

or maybe, just maybe, it was the fact that you knew that if you looked too closely into the deep end, you'd fall right in with no life jacket. and jaehyun was an endless ocean.

+++

maybe you had given jaehyun too much credit, you lament. maybe jung jaehyun's as deep as a fucking kiddie pool. you know you're wrong because you were in the same english literature class and the man had been published because the professor liked his prose so much, she had submitted it to a literary journal.

and they had accepted it.

but as you stare at him across the lecture hall, burning holes into the poor guy's skull, you sure think he's stupid. because there was no way in fresh hell that jung jaehyun was in an introduction to east asia class. as a south korean.

people begin settling into their seats as you mull over the possibility that jaehyun had fucked so much, his brain had fallen out through his dick. from the stories of his more than above average size, it was definitely not out of the realm of possibility.

just as you're send a very judgmental text to fatima, who was supposed to be taking the class with you but had had to switch last minute when one of her major required classes opened up, jaehyun gets out of his seat to stand at the front of the room, next to the professor.

you realize belatedly that the people jaehyun had been so animatedly speaking to were none other than bambam and ten - two people who most definitely were in this class. and of course, they had chosen this class over all the others because oh my god, jung jaehyun is the uta for this class.

in hindsight, it makes sense, given that jaehyun is a east asian studies minor and a stellar fucking student. but it doesn't make the text you were about to send fatima any less humiliating as you realize your attempts to undermine his character were desperately failing. you try to backtrack on your phone, deleting the winding paragraph you were about to send her when your thumb slips, accidentally sending a half written message.

you: jaehyun is fucking

you're sure the statement will be true within the next couple hours (the jung bed at the nct frat never seemed to stay empty for too long - and that was just from orientation week last week) but it felt almost blasphemous that you would send a text so crude to your friend when you insisted that you couldn't stand his guts.

or what lay between them, really.

three gray dots appear on your screen as you half-heartedly listen to your professor drone on about how he went to china, became a changed man, and now taught about the wonders of east asia and its exoticism. his name was paul but the class could refer to him by his 'enlightened name' - lao ma. even jaehyun rolls his eyes behind the professor's back as all of the asian kids in the classroom begin to eye each other warily.

if this class wasn't so easy, you're sure the population would've shrunk to a quarter its size based on the weirdness of the professor on its own. or maybe not, if it meant that people got to stare at jaehyun's gorgeous face for an hour and a half every monday morning.

mommy tima 🤍: honey, i think whatever sia's got going is contagious. mommy tima 🤍: aren't you the one who hates him? mommy tima 🤍: he really lives in your mind rent free, huh.

you scoff under your breath as you type furiously, vaguely registering that you definitely need to check the syllabus for this class later because you have not been listening to a word the professor has said this whole time.

you: first sia's got cooties or a raging std that's what she's got going you: second he's my fucking uta you: as in i am going to be forced to see his face for an entire semester mommy tima 🤍: drop the class then, babe. you: can't this is too good for my gpa & the prof's a freak you: it's a gpa cushion and a circus in one go

you tuck your phone away when you see that jaehyun is coming up the aisle on your side with a packet while the professor is on the other aisle on the other side with the same packet to hand out. jaehyun probably wouldn't care that you had your phone out during lecture (syllabus week was just an excuse for college kids to get drunk during school days anyway) but it was the principle of the thing.

"here you go - oh, it's stuck together," jaehyun says as he stops at where you're sitting. his tongue slips out as he thumbs at the packet to give you one instead of three and suddenly, your treacherous brain takes you back to sia's rambling the night before.

and then he did this thing with his tongue...

you're shaken back to reality when you realize that you're staring at a blank wall, with a pink packet in front of you, and jaehyun has already reached the back of the classroom.

fuck. shit. bitch.

jaehyun had seen you stare at his stupidly handsome face and then some. he was your ta. oh my god, what if he docked points on some test because he thought you were the creepy stalker type.

damn you, sia yoo, you curse in your head.

+++

"damn you, sia yoo!" you yell over the blaring music that's so loud, you can feel the vibrations in your skull. there absolutely no reason you should be caught dead in a frat on the friday of syllabus week but sia had made it her mission to make sure you had a going out rate of at least 80% this school year, given that you were prone to trying to skip out on weekends out last year.

not that you didn't like going out - you actually really liked going out with your friends. you just took a little more inertia to get to the energy levels of actually going on.

sia just nods at you lazily as she bounces to the beat of another shitty remix of 'what you came for' by calvin harris and rihanna. you never understood why frats always found the worst remixes of classic party bangers but anything flew after you had enough alcohol in your system so the music would recede to the depths of your mind in a couple cups of whatever the fuck this drink was.

especially since you were a full sunshine drunk; whenever you were drunk, you became the life of the party and would always be found in the center of the room, regardless of the music. sia was a flirty drunk and you really couldn't remember the last time sia actually spent the entire weekend in her own bed. props to her stamina, honestly.

rosie was a mix of you and sia in that she would become so much more bubbly but the second she found someone she wanted to spend the night with, she went after them with no hesitation.

fatima usually played the role of sober mommy when you all went out. although she was never one to miss out on a good time, when she did get drunk, she much preferred it to be within the confines of the four walls that she shared with her roommate and the people she trusted the most - you, rosie, and sia.

which is why when rosie abandons you for her on again, off again fuck buddy (miyeon cho) and her fuck buddy (yugyeom kim), you're not surprised at all.

"that's going to be an interesting story in the morning," you say, nodding to where rosie, miyeon, and yugyeom are all heading upstairs together. fatima nudges you to look at sia, where she's pressed up against none other than johnny suh (or the love of her life, prior to jaehyun, apparently).

"that's going to be an interesting story in the afternoon," fatima counters. you turn to her with furrowed eyebrows, as if to question the timing. "i don't think i've ever heard of a girl leaving johnny's bed before 3 o'clock the next afternoon."

your jaw hangs in shock as you watch your friend wrap her arms around the tall man's neck, whispering something into his ear when he bends down to kiss her collarbone.

"are all of the nct boys secretly porn stars or something? how can they all be that good in bed?" you gape, waving at sia when she turns around to wink at you and fatima as her and johnny are bustling out of the door, undoubtedly to the nct frat house.

"they test us as part of rushing," says a low, velvety voice behind you. a hot rush of shame runs up your spine for two reasons: a) you were able to recognize jung jaehyun just from his voice and b) he heard you gossiping about his frat brothers' sexual prowess.

you exchange a look with fatima before whipping around to meet jaehyun eye to eye. he's wearing a plain black t-shirt and lightwash distressed jeans but he might as well be wearing designer trash bags for all you care. what you do care about, unfortunately, is the almost slutty way his v-neck dips to show off the beginnings of the planes of his chest.

you feel no better than a victorian man and it takes fatima a poorly concealed cough to break you out of your thoughts. fuck, you'd done it again. you really needed to stop getting caught up in jung jaehyun's pretty face. and body. and that stupid smile.

"haha. very funny. sounds like something straight out of a cheesy porno sponsored by viagra or something," you say, rolling your eyes. smooth. very smooth. normally, you like to think that you're proficient in the witty banter department but something about this boy made you almost feel dumb about your comebacks.

jaehyun cocks an eyebrow, and you're distinctly made aware that even with platform sneakers on, jaehyun is a good head taller than you when you have to look upwards to notice the motion. "you seem to be well versed, y/n. you make it a habit to stay up to date?"

you flush at the thinly veiled euphemism at your x-rated movie watching habits before clearing your throat. "i'm more of a fan of practical study, really. i am a scientist, after all."

you're aware that fatima has slipped away from you to talk to another friend, park jeonghwa, and also the fact that you are slowly beginning your descent into drunkenness but you can't seem to bring yourself to find the caution in it all. it's just jaehyun, after all.

jaehyun hums, bringing the solo cup in his hand to his lips to take a swig. "you're a biomedical engineering major, aren't you?"

you balk at that. "wait, wait. you know my name and my major?"

jaehyun nods slowly, seemingly stumbling for a moment before he gains his self-confidence once more. "you don't know mine?"

"you're literally my ta. i know you're an east asian studies minor and your name because you told the class," you say, recovering quickly. it was a really good thing you were a quick thinker because you were lying through your teeth.

you knew jaehyun's name, minor, and even major (computer science) because of his notorious reputation, not because he was your ta. but the last thing you wanted was to give him the satisfaction of asserting his popularity on campus.

"anyway. what was that you were saying about 'practical study'?" jaehyun's eyes twinkle in the dim lighting of the cramped basement you were in and you had a feeling that if you were any more inebriated, you'd be diving headfirst into jung jaehyun's bed as long as he looked at you like that.

but fortunately (unfortunately?) you're sober enough to make mostly intelligent decisions - which just means that you're not going to jump headfirst. maybe feet first but not headfirst.

"wouldn't you like to know," you sing-song, leaning into jaehyun's body enough to smell the mix of woody pine, fresh water, and vodka that seems to emanate from him. jaehyun watches you as you lean over him to grab another solo cup from the assortment that some lower ranked frat brother had been forced into bartending.

you down the entire drink in two swigs, patting away the stray stream of alcohol that had dripped down onto your chest. you don't notice the way jaehyun's eyes follow your hand down its descent to your chest. but you finally feel like your element, and in a moment of sheer idiocy and liquid courage, you enter the growing throng of bodies behind you, beckoning jaehyun to follow you.

you're not 100% sure what you want from him, honestly. you want to have a good time, and you're sure you'll have one with or without him. but something about the way jaehyun follows you like a puppy into the mess of people makes you feel like a zap of electricity has hit your body.

and if you're being completely honest with yourself (as you usually only are with ethanol in your system), you really didn't hate jaehyun. you had no qualms with him as a person, even if you hated the consequences that came with a night with him.

it's when you're in the middle of the crowd, with jaehyun looking at you with those hooded eyes and hands tucked into his pockets when you realize what you want from jaehyun jung.

you want him to desire you the way that his mere presence makes people desire him.

so you do what you do best and just let go. it's ric flair drip by metro boomin that's playing - a song that's definitely not the one to get down to. but the bass fills you up in a way that never hits the same outside of a sweaty frat basement so you can't even bring yourself to care.

"i'm tryna fuck you and your bestie," you sing along with the near hundred people surrounding you. jaehyun is still looking at you with an eyebrow sitting higher and an appraising expression; something that somehow manages to get under your skin.

in a moment of passion, you manage to hook your fingers into one of jaehyun's belt loops, pulling him closer to you. you're aware that you've painted yourself to be jaehyun's next conquest if the way that the girls next to you look upset means anything, but you couldn't care less.

especially when you're this close to the bane of your existence. the song switches to something a little more what you need (under the influence by chris brown) and you look up at jaehyun through your lashes and in that moment, jaehyun knows what you're offering him through your gaze.

a challenge.

+++

jaehyun never really meant to take on the role of nct's resident whore. in fact, jaehyun had been planning on doing the exact opposite when he came to college.

although it was unbelievable now, jaehyun jung had originally just been a very strange, nerdy, and sweet boy. he never got up to much trouble, kept to himself most of the time, and was known for...nothing, really. he was sweet and bubbly but he wasn't exactly running with the popular crowd.

in fact, jaehyun was kinda forgotten all throughout his schooling. it was easy to forget about jaehyun, as though he were some visage in a dream that everyone shared.

it hurt.

so when jaehyun finally hit his growth spurt in senior year, started going to the gym, and his voice no longer cracked every other sentence, he felt like a whole new person. like he was finally the main character in his own life.

it felt so fucking good to look at the same girls who had smiled at him pitifully and have them melting under a single wink. the summer between high school and college had been wild, with more stories than jaehyun could really even care to keep track of.

but when college began, jaehyun was fully intending to return to flying under the radar with his new upgrade in personality, appearance, and wardrobe. with a face like his, however, doing so was about as easy as trying to pass professor yoon's intro to bio class - nearly impossible.

slowly but surely, jaehyun morphed back into the personality he had adopted that summer and surprisingly, it wasn't as foreign as he thought. he was still a good student and wasn't a stranger to having to skip out on hanging out with his friends to study.

but having a new girl in his bed every other day? that was definitely new. a new revelation, but a welcome one nonetheless.

and in that, jaehyun was used to people using all sorts of tactics to get with him. playing hard to get, with coy smiles and flirtatious winks. or the bold ones, who told him straight up that they wanted to spend the night with him. even the downright horrifying ones who tried to pretend like they were blackout drunk in hopes that that would 'attract' him. spoiler alert? it didn't.

jaehyun originally thought you were of the 'hard to get' caliber. the type of girl to say that she wasn't like other girls and that's why he should get with her instead. so initially, when he approached you at the party after seeing you in his class, he was mentally preparing himself for the whole pick me speech.

but it was something about the way you looked at him.

it was like two halves of your mind were battling against each other. on one hand, you looked like you wanted to fax jaehyun straight into the fiery pits of hell with high speed shipping. on the other, it also seemed like you wanted nothing more than to ride him until the sun came up. mixed with a little bit of curiosity, confusion, and downright anger with yourself for all the emotions, you looked like the perfect cocktail of firebrand that jaehyun couldn't help but become intrigued by.

so when you were laughingly talking to your best friend (jaehyun's frat brother kun was half in love with fatima, which meant that jaehyun was more than well acquainted with her) about him and frat brothers, he took it to be the opportunity he needed.

and when you're looking at him like this, daring him to make a move, almost as if to make your mind fall one way or another about drawing a conclusion on him, what is jaehyun to do but to make good on the challenge you've offered?

he watches you for a moment more, trying to commit the memory of what you look like when you're this carefree and happy, before taking the micro-step it takes to get so close he can smell the citrus and apple cider that you seem to always smell like.

"i promise you i can fuck you better than johnny," jaehyun says, a corner of his lips tilted up as your eyes flutter the closer he draws.

"johnny's your 'bestie'?" you say, and jaehyun can tell that the last threads of your resolve are starting to snap by the way that your hand is now pressed against his chest.

"that's what you're curious about right now? the dynamics of the nct frat brothers?" jaehyun asks but he knows that this back and forth is exactly you need right now; the time to decide if you can take the plunge. or if jaehyun's worth your time tonight.

"as i mentioned, i'm a scientist," you say, and even as your voice stays stable, your fingers seem to leave burning trails against jaehyun's skin as they dip and feed into crevices of jaehyun's body that he didn't even know existed.

"hmm," jaehyun manages to eke out when your fingers lace into his hair. he's not sure how you manage to find every single sensitive spot he has but he's fairly impressed by the way you catch his breath hitching as you work your other hand up as well.

"hmm? cat got your tongue, jaehyun?" you say, making sure that jaehyun looks straight into your eyes as you lean impossibly closer. "you know that sia's with johnny right now, right? girls talk - especially with your best friends. which means that if you can't make good on your promise, i will find out."

jaehyun feels like he's sweating like a pig but thankfully, you don't notice, too busy making him sweat. he clears his throat once, and then twice to make sure that his voice doesn't give out.

"that right?" he says, and you roll your eyes, letting go of him and stepping back. you seem to appraise him for a moment (and jaehyun is unnaturally nervous about what you will decide) before grabbing his hand and leading him to the door. you only pause to flag down fatima, who takes one look at your intertwined hands, and waves the two of you away.

jaehyun blushes like a schoolgirl at the way fatima flashes him a catty smile.

"i swear to god, jaehyun, if you're all talk and no game - or if you're gonna sit still and look pretty the whole time - i will literally blue ball you. i don't do pillow princes," you throw over your shoulder as the two of you make your way to the nct frat. jaehyun knows for a fact that the nct frat will not be a quiet place tonight by the number of dresses and pants he sees in the foyer and leading the way up the stairs.

he says nothing, even as you're quite nearly storming up the stairs with a certain level of urgency, almost as though if you were to slow down and think about just exactly what you're doing, you'd turn around and leave right now.

jaehyun definitely can't let that happen.

so the second that he gets you into his bedroom (he had to rock, paper, scissors with doyoung to get the room tonight), he shuts the door and locks it behind him. he turns around to see you looking between the two beds, as if trying to guess which one was jaehyun's.

he mentally pats himself on the back when he sees the fresh sheets on the bed. reaching where you stand in less than a stride, jaehyun turns you so that you're facing his bed, and you squirm to turn to meet his eyes even as his hands are on your waist.

"what is with your hands?" you ask harshly and jaehyun blinks as he looks down.

"what do you mean? they're on your waist," jaehyun says softly, and once again, he's hit with a wave of citrus and apple cider. you simper at him, grabbing his wrist and moving it incriminatingly downwards.

"what am i? a virgin? put them somewhere useful." you whisper the last part and it's as though jaehyun has just woken up.

"you know," jaehyun begins, sliding his other hand downwards to sit comfortably on the curve of your ass. "if i didn't know any better, i'd think you were trying to rile me up. i wonder..."

he doesn't finish his thought, instead pulling you close so that your hips are pressed against his. he can hear the gasp that you're desperately trying to conceal, coughing uselessly to the side. a devilish smirk grows on jaehyun's lips and for the first time in a long time, you're sure you're going to be up all night.

+++

you were, in fact, trying to rile him up. you had heard all the rumors about jaehyun and johnny, about how one night with them was like one night in heaven. hell, you'd had first hand accounts from sia yoo about exactly what it's like to be in bed with either of them - multiple times.

so when jaehyun had fronted with such a cautious attitude when he realized what you wanted, you were almost offended. if you wanted to take control and fuck a man's brains out, you could do that with anyone. why would you fight against your own mind this much to get with him?

but seonghwa park. changkyun im. even kun qian, before you discovered he was head over heels for fatima. jung jaehyun.

these were all people who put you in your place. the way you wanted to be. it just seemed as though jaehyun might've needed a little more persuasion to get there.

so yes, you were riling him up. was that such a crime?

by the way jaehyun's looking at you right now, his breath hot and heavy on your neck and his eyes dark with a feeling that you can't describe but resonates with you on a deeper, more primal level.

"you know, after you got with kun, he wouldn't shut up about it for a week," jaehyun says, pressing kisses down your neck, pausing when he reaches your breastbone. he eyes your corset top with a discerning eye before reaching behind you to pull the lace strings that were precariously holding your top for a week.

"yeah?" you ask, threading your fingers through jaehyun's thick hair as he makes quick work of your top, leaving it pooled on the floor as his lips find your chest as though he couldn't be physically parted from it.

"yeah. even after he met fatima, he said that you were the best he's ever had - that's a big reputation to live up to when you're in nct," jaehyun says, his voice breathy and deep as he walks you backwards so that the back of your knees hit the frame of his bed.

"hmm. what can i say? i know what i want and what i want is usually lots of fun," you say, letting jaehyun unzip your jeans, pulling them down and kicking them off when jaehyun moves too slowly.

"i know. god, after knowing that you and kun were going at it, i swear everyone was jerking off in their room for an hour. even winwin wanted to go for you today. you're an unpredictable woman; no one knows where and when you're going to show up to one of the parties so everyone has to take their chances when they get them," jaehyun says, tugging his shirt off and throwing it somewhere behind him carelessly.

you nearly melt when you see jaehyun's uncovered top, eyeing each and every hard ridge of his body, reaching out to touch him. his chest is almost soothingly warm as your fingers memorize each and every aspect of the planes of his chest, almost worried that they might disappear if you let go.

jaehyun looks at you amusingly as he lets your fingers dance across his body, focusing on tugging your panties off to discard them where he's sure he's going to have to search for them later on.

you pout when you see the difference in clothing but jaehyun just gently pushes you backwards so that your back is against his bed, leaving your pussy exposed in away that makes you feel absolutely mortified. you move to gain some level of privacy back but jaehyun is too fast, gripping onto your thighs incriminatingly as he raises an eyebrow.

"don't think that i'm soft just because i'm being nice to you now, pretty girl. i know you don't like to listen but don't hide from me. i will not let you have any fun if you try to hide from me," jaehyun says, his voice dropping a full octave. you suppress the shiver that runs through your body (and that simultaneously delights jaehyun) as you nod softly.

he seems satisfied by the way your body melts and rewards you for your submission by licking a wet strip up your pussy, one hand snaking up to touch your nipple while the other one keeps your thighs open.

jaehyun is slow at first, exploring each and every hidden crevice of your body but as he feels you get wetter and wetter, he can't seem to stay soft for too long. he continues to press his lips against yours but the moment you try to grind your hips against his lips, he pulls away, his tongue darting out to taste your essence on him.

you almost whine at the loss of his hot mouth on your pussy, and you're embarrassed to realize that in front of jaehyun jung, you are no better than your best friend in falling in love with the way he moves.

"you're not going to cum from my tongue, baby," jaehyun says, practically ripping the belt out from where it was caging his jeans. "especially when i know that your pussy is magic."

"you say that, jaehyun, but you're being so fucking soft. if i didn't know any better, i'd think you're in love with me," you snort, trying to catch your breath. jaehyun freezes from where his boxers are hanging so low on his hips, you can see the muscles in his pelvis tense angrily as he looks at you dangerously.

"my fucking bad for making sure you're wet enough to take me," jaehyun whispers, pulling close to you. his eyes turn even darker than usual and a small spark of excitement ignites in your chest when you realize that you've finally reached it - jaehyun's breaking point.

"sounds like you're scared, jaehyun. you know what? you know why kun was so good? because he wasn't scared. he wasn't scared to fuck me like he was trying to break the bed," you retort, and saying kun's name is when jaehyun finally snaps. he tears his boxers off as he pushes you so that you're further up on his bed.

"y/n, i'm not fucking joking around. if you want me to stop, say it now. just say the word, and i'll pretend like this never happened. because i swear to every god in existence, if you let me, i'll ruin every other man for you," jaehyun says and his knuckles turn white from how hard his clenching his fingers to keep himself from pouncing. the thought is almost cute if you weren't desperate to be fucked into next week.

"if i wanted you to stop, i wouldn't have said kun's name, would i?"

that's all it takes. no sooner do the words leave your mouth, jaehyun's on top of you, every inch of his body fighting to claim yours. he's not sure what it is about being with a bratty girl but every time a girl tries to challenge him, jaehyun can feel his excitement grow as his mind runs wild with ways to prove you wrong.

and with a girl as beautiful and sexy as you? he was going to have the time of his life.

time of his life he does.

+++

when jaehyun wakes up, he's almost happy. almost because he has bruises on his hips from how hard he had pounded into you, a litter of hickeys across his chest, and freshly washed hair from when you had enticed him into taking a shower with you.

inevitably, it led to another hour in the shower that jaehyun had spent having his soul sucked out from his dick, eating you out under the shower, and seeing you cum twice just from his tongue.

if only he had woken up with you still in his bed, jaehyun would've actually been happy.

realistically, jaehyun had no clue what he was expecting. after taking a shower, it had taken you a total of five minutes to fall asleep in his arms, wearing nothing but jaehyun's oversized t-shirt and your panties.

there was no pillowtalk, no heart to hearts, nothing. no discussions of having whatever happened last night happening again. no trying to get to know each other better.

not that you had ever been obligated to do so. if anything, jaehyun was far more obligated to do so, after practically declaring that he had wanted to get with you since last semester - which he had been completely serious about.

but with his reputation, regardless of what he had said last night, jaehyun's almost 100% sure that you would've disappeared by the morning.

he's so caught up in his thoughts that he almost misses the bright pink post-it note on his neatly folded shirt on his desk in the corner of the room.

9.5/10. if you see sia, tell her she was right about your tongue. see you in intro to east asia on monday.

jaehyun's half disappointed and half happy. disappointed because you'd never left your number or anything and happy because at least he knew that you weren't going to completely avoid him whenever you ran into each other next.

he shakes his head as he folds the post-it note and throws it in the trash can next to his desk.

jaehyun jung may not have started college with the intention of becoming the resident fuckboy but he still had a reputation to maintain. he had fucked countless women over his time at sm university and he had no intention of falling for any of them.

he was not about to get soft-hearted or soft-dicked by a girl he was with once.

even if she was really good in bed. like really really good. like good enough to make him think about the other boys she's been with and if they'd made you feel as good as he did.

fuck. her. which jaehyun had already done. which meant that he needed to move onto the next step of the day before his head exploded with all of the implications flying around in his mind about their relation to each other (nonexistent) and if you were thinking about him like he was thinking of you (you weren't).

he pads out of his room, passing doyoung on the way out, who claps him on the back and says, "you finally got with y/n?" jaehyun doesn't know how doyoung knows but it strikes him that neither of you are very subtle people and you had caused quite the scene leaving with him last night.

similar reactions are offered to him by everyone he passes. he's not really sure how many of the boys you've been with but jaehyun can feel his street cred go up by at least a decameter with the way some of these pledges are looking at him.

in fact, everyone is looking at him with a new look of respect in their eyes until he reaches the kitchen, where yoo sia and johnny are sitting, practically eye-fucking.

jaehyun was very used to seeing johnny's friends in the kitchen the next day, neither of them ready to really say goodbye each other yet but for some reason, knowing that sia was your best friend and seeing her with johnny sets jaehyun's stomach into a series of knots that he was sure he was going to have to unravel when he had his head on straight.

"she already left?" sia says, finally breaking her stare from johnny's. jaehyun shrugs, digging around the fridge to see if they had any coffee. they didn't (none that wasn't expired anyway) so he has to settle for a caprisun.

"she had somewhere to be," jaehyun says. he wants to ask sia if it's normal for you to leave that early. it can't be if sia seems surprised that you'd left before the clock struck ten. what did that mean? what does that say about jaehyun? oh god. what if you hated it. what if you hated it so much that you didn't want to spend a second longer with jaehyun.

he cringes as he locks eyes with another shiny eyed pledge (jaehyun thinks his name is jungwoo) and tries to shake his head to clear any and all thoughts of you. he was pussydrunk. that was the only explanation. he just needed to dick down someone else and then he would get over whatever little infatuation thing he had going on.

"really? hmm..." sia says finally. jaehyun turns to see her looking right at him and suddenly, he's transported back to the previous weekend, when sia had been wrapped up in his sheets.

+++

"why did you start fucking around like this?" sia had asked, her chest still heaving from their previous illicit activities as she wraps herself tighter in jaehyun's sheets. jaehyun pauses for a moment as he catches his breath, pulling on his boxers as he thinks. he throws the shirt that sia's grabbing at, still not sure how to piece together his thoughts.

or why he wants to tell sia the truth. maybe it's because no one's ever asked about it before, but jaehyun feels strangely vulnerable as sia watches as he clambers back into his bed, her expression pensive and uncharacteristically wise.

"i don't know," jaehyun says honestly, laying over the covers as he feels his face grow hotter under sia's unrelenting stare. "i think it's because i wanted to know what it felt like. to know what it felt like to be wanted for a night instead of just being in the sidelines as the guy with the potential. just the guy that people brought along as the friend of the hot guys that kept him around."

sia doesn't say anything, instead turning so that she was lying on her back. jaehyun turns to look at her, to see if he could decipher some level of understanding from her silence. really, he knows that he should feel embarrassed about confessing his insecurities to a girl that he's hooked up with two or three times but he can't bring himself to for some reason.

maybe it's because he knows that she wouldn't say anything about it to anyone. or because he knows that she's head over heels for johnny, whether she'd admit it or not. or maybe it's just because for the first time, someone had asked something about jaehyun just to get to know him as a person, rather than trying to get him in their bed.

not that he really minded that - it just made him feel like it was all a lot more transactional than he was used to. he had been a romantic once upon a time. when you grew up with the nickname of 'valentine boy', it would have been stranger if he didn't have some sense of romance.

but jaehyun's penchant for romance disappeared almost just as soon as he realized that no one else was yearning for a pure type of love like he was.

and yet, it didn't bother him as much as he thought it would. turns out that jaehyun's a very adaptable man. if he wouldn't find love in this decade, then perhaps it would be lust that he would have to settle for.

"then again," he begins, gaze darting over to where sia had slipped on his t-shirt as she tiredly begins to settle down in his bed once more. "isn't that what everyone is doing nowadays? looking for a warm body for the night, instead of a genuine connection?"

sia snorts at that, turning so that she was facing jaehyun now. "don't tell me that you're one of the boomer types. the ones who always go around peacocking about how they were born in the wrong generation and that they're one of the 'good guys'. i might actually leave right now if you are."

"no, no i'm not. well. maybe a little bit. but i don't know why that's so bad to be honest," jaehyun acquiesces finally. sia rolls her eyes, but even she goes quiet for a moment. once again, jaehyun's reminded that this is sia yoo - a girl who routinely wakes up in someone else's sheets every saturday (although it was johnny's more often than not) and as sexist as it was, someone who carried a reputation for it. even jaehyun was surprised to find that she was such a deep conversationalist.

of course, he mentally berates himself soon after but he can't help the thought. for him, sia was just the girl he would get with a couple times. a good time. the fact that that's the only role she fulfilled in his mind made him feel disgusting inside out as he waits for her response, vowing that he would work to change his mindset. or maybe just change personalities altogether. ick.

"you know one of my best friends? y/n? the one who got with kun before he decided to go clean for fatima?" sia says with a careful tone. jaehyun nods, not trusting that he wouldn't say something dumb after his sudden realization of his flawed thinking.

"this is something she always says but it's honestly pretty simple: love is however you want to define it. humans spend so much trying to find labels and definitions for things that just might not have or need them. for such an advanced species, we spend so much time concerned about how to put a feeling into a box or how to classify a thought instead of rejoicing in the fact that we had such a beautiful feeling in the first place."

"for people in this generation, the old school love is hard to find because they've got so many other types of love that weren't allowed back when old school love was big. it's a different type of freedom to love someone on the weekends but never to fall in love with them. maybe we're just romanticizing hookup culture but who's to say that we can't? maybe we're all more romantic than we want to admit. maybe when we fall into the sheets with someone we barely know, we're looking for a fragment of love to satiate our heart in ways we didn't know it needed."

jaehyun doesn't know what to say to that so he just pulls her closer to him and she lets him, throwing her leg over his as they fall asleep, closer to each other than they had ever been.

+++

you're not sure what had compelled you to leave so quickly that morning. you usually like to get the boys who sleep with to at least cook you breakfast before you left (for compensation of being terrible in bed, if the situation so called for it) but for some reason, every instinct in your body had pulled you to leave.

you had waken up at nearly 5 in the morning, a mere two and a half hours after the two of you had fallen asleep, gathered your clothes, and were about to leave when you turn to look at jaehyun, still snoring away peacefully, his arm crossing his body to rest on the empty space next to him that you had occupied previously.

you had a feeling that you're going to lament leaving this early after psychoanalyzing why you were leaving so early later in the day but for now, if your gut was telling you to leave, you were going to heed the precautions.

but even as you're about to leave, you find yourself turning to jaehyun's desk, sparse but somehow still a little messy as you rummage for a post-it note and a pen to write with. you grin to yourself when you find yourself successful (and endearing somehow that jaehyun has bright pink post-it notes).

you pass a brother on the way out (undoubtedly a freshman who had received the short stick of the duties tonight) but you wave him off when he offers to walk you home. dangerous? most definitely. but you really needed the time and space to yourself and the short, almost ten minute walk back to your apartment would offer some enlightenment.

spoiler alert: it didn't. no matter how hard you wracked your brain to come up with some version of a logical explanation, you realized that there was just simply no way to do so.

and something about that frustrated you. you knew it wasn't a big deal. jaehyun was just a hook-up. a one night stand. and yet...something wasn't fitting right in your mind. so you start to think in the only way you know how, collecting all of the pieces of information you did have.

a) you just had sex - mind-blowing sex with jaehyun. he was everything you expected and more when it came to a sexual partner. b) you didn't develop feelings for him. sex comes fifth on the list of things you subconsciously (or now consciously, since you've spoken it into existence) have when looking for a potential boyfriend. first comes personality, then intelligence, then ambition, then looks, and then sex. you didn't even have a conversation long enough to figure out if jaehyun had more than three brain cells to piece together. c) jaehyun jung had confessed that he had wanted to get with you since last semester. did he mean with you-r body or with you?

you shake your head as if to physically shake the irrational thoughts in your mind out and press your id against the scanner at the entrance of your apartment building, rubbing your fingers against your temples as you get into the elevator to reach your apartment.

unlocking the door to your (empty) apartment, you decide to shelf the thoughts for some time when your head wasn't pounding and collapse on your bed, thanking the lords you'd had the sense to take a shower at jaehyun's.

and the last thing you remember is the smell of jaehyun's shampoo in your hair as you drift into blissful, dreamless sleep.

+++

you're not surprised to feel a weight on your bed when you wake up the next morning. you blearily open your eyes to make out sia's general figure, rosie and fatima undoubtedly chatting quietly in the kitchen.

you vaguely piece together something about fatima having kun over but him sleeping on the couch and you try to push down the guilt that creeps up into your brain as you realize that you had left fatima alone at the party. a party where all of you knew a lot of people (and the outcome was just as everyone had thought it would be) but the principle of the matter stung nonetheless.

you push aside the thought - along with the idea that you should probably apologize to fatima when the cottony feeling in your mouth started to subside - in favor of looking at sia, who is strangely quiet as she watches you gather yourself. for her boisterous personality, sia yoo could see through anyone to the extent of theorized telepathy so you don't even bother trying to hide anything from her.

although, it really is hard to take her seriously when she's got hickey's littered across her neck. well. you suppose you don't look much better at the moment.

"you left before 10 o'clock," sia says simply. you don't pretend to not understand what she means as you nod, pushing yourself up on your bed as fatima and rosie also enter, rosie handing you a glass of water.

"i know," you say softly. "but i want to hear about everyone else's nights right now. i just don't know that i'm in the right headspace to think about why i left so early - i'm not even sure i know why i left so early."

sia says nothing for a moment, watching your face, almost as if she were trying to read your very essence. but she relents, reaching out to hold your hand briefly before completely switching up, speaking animatedly about her very adventurous night, leaving you to simmer in your thoughts.

had sia always been this smart? probably. who's to say that she wasn't, after all?

turns out that sia and johnny were actually going to go on a date on wednesday, after realizing that their chemistry extended further out of the bedroom than either of them had expected. sia was through the roof, obviously, given that she had been thirsting over johnny (although more in a sexual sense than anything else) for so long.

rosie, miyeon, and yugyeom also worked a lot better than any of them had thought so you were sure that you were going to lose your roommate to the other '97 liners more often for the foreseeable future.

fatima was the only one who had a pg night, with kun coming over to her apartment and just chilling together the whole night, eventually having him sleep over since he was too tired to walk back to the apartment that he lived out (it was on the other side of campus, given that he moved out of the nct house pretty late into the semester last year).

"speaking of kun, when are you guys gonna make it official? i mean after this year, you guys are going to only have one year together before you guys graduate," you say, bunching your comforter before letting go. it felt weird saying that. especially in regards to your friends. theoretically, you had all the time in the world together.

but all the time in the world wasn't enough when it came to these girls.

fatima sighs before getting up, wringing her hands together as she thinks. "i don't know. i mean kun's graduating a year early so i really only have this year left. i - i know how much he likes me. i know that he wants to do this right way. go the whole nine yards."

"but...?" rosie says, elongating the syllables as you and sia look at her patiently. fatima shakes her head, getting up to walk around the room, six paces enough to take her from one side of your room to the other.

"i just don't know. kun's great and honestly, i really think that's the one. or at least one of the ones for me. but i just don't know if my parents would be okay with it. i mean my parents are great! they give me so much freedom and honestly, i'm really thankful that my parents allowed me to find religious and spiritual freedom on my own, without ever trying to shove it down my throat."

"but at the same time...how can i betray their trust in me by dating someone who is so far from my religion? like. kun is a great guy but he's not muslim. and sure, i don't follow a lot of the stricter things in islam but i - i have god in my heart. and i don't know that god would want me to start a family that doesn't follow islam. especially since i can see that in my future with kun and kun - i don't know that i could ask kun to convert to another religion for me."

the room is silent for a little bit after fatima finishes, with her collapsing in your bed next to you. rosie and sia exchange a look with each other, and then you, as they both decide to leave the room, leaving you to console fatima.

you were always the most philosophical one out of the bunch anyway.

"look, fatima, i can't pretend to know what it's like to have that kind of mental burden and i really can't understand what it's like to think about the future and be concerned about the impact on the world you might create. i read about something the other day though - did you know that kun means 'manifesting' or 'believing' in arabic?" fatima looks at you with disbelief written all over her face, shaking her head.

"how did you know that?" she asks and you just shrug, nodding at the 'islam for dummies' book you had bought in hopes of understanding a little bit more about one of your closest friend's religion.

"that's not the point. but fatima, you are the single kindest, most beautiful person i know. and i have faith that you will choose what's right for you, not what's right for the people around you because you know better than everyone that the only person who can judge you is god. and no one - no one - on this earth has the right to take that peace away from you."

fatima is silent before wrapping you in her arms, the soft material of her hoodie comforting you and lulling you back into a sleep that's dreamless and calm.

+++

jaehyun doesn't know what to expect when he walks into intro to east asia on monday. should he say hi? wave? start a conversation? should he acknowledge that he spent the better part of his weekend wondering if he would lose his fuckboy status if someone realized just how down bad he was for you?

probably anything but the last one was a good idea.

jaehyun was not in a good state of mind. he was a hot 19 year old man with a near perfect gpa (a whopping 3.98 only because he got a singular a-), a not so terrible set of dimples, and a killer body. and yet he was walking around like how he had been prior to his enlightening summer.

it's almost freeing but also humiliating to think that one night in bed was enough to make him start an entire philosophy but that was where jaehyun was at so who was he to question anything, really?

in fact, jaehyun is so caught up in what he would name his new branch of philosophy (loserism, with a lot of inspiration from zeno) that he doesn't even realize that you've already walked past him and taken your seat.

third row, first seat. you're putting your bag down next to your chair, pulling out your laptop, tossing your hair over your shoulder when it falls in your face. jaehyun tears his eyes away, knowing that this was not a good look for him.

if jaehyun really wanted to pursue you, which he was sure was where all of his jumbled emotions were eventually going to lead him anyway, he knew for a fact that you weren't going to be interested in having to take the lead. especially if jaehyun wasn't even sure that you were interested in the possibility.

but that's a struggle for another day. what was it that stephanie laurens said? that all women want sometimes is a little old-fashioned loving?

that was, in fact, the opposite of what sia had said you were really into but jaehyun had a sneaking suspicion that you wouldn't mind handing the reigns over in the decision making process portion of a relationship, or the courtship, if your time together this weekend alluded to anything.

jaehyun almost misses the beginning of the lecture, where professor ma (no one actually calls him that besides himself) was going into some of his favorite places to stay during his time in china. and while missing any portion of professor ma's lecture was of no crime, he also almost misses the way that you're looking straight at him, faking a yawn when jaehyun finally locks eyes with you.

professor ma was known for giving stellar recommendation letters (which was why johnny had coerced jaehyun into ta'ing for his class in the first place) but he was such a pain in the ass.

jaehyun has to keep from laughing out loud when he sees your exaggerated gestures to show how boring you were finding the professor's lecture to be, pulling himself together in time for him to finally be able to take a seat in the back of the classroom, professor ma having asked him to take attendance for the some two hundred students in the classroom. by hand.

he almost drops the piece of paper that you slide into his hand, subtly slipping it into the pocket of his basketball shorts as makes his way up the flight of stairs to the tenth row, dropping his backpack on the floor next to him, in a rush to open the delicate piece of paper in his hands.

there's only three words on the piece of paper and a series of dashes and yet jaehyun knows that this is all he needs. this is all the signal he needs to know that he wasn't imagining the chemistry or the tension between the two of you. and fuck what anyone said about his 'reputation'; it was jaehyun's turn - the old jaehyun's turn - to get the chance to experience the relationship he had always been dreaming of.

he rereads the little piece of paper before smiling and tucking it into his pocket again.

earn the rest. 9__-___-____.

+++

johnny suh is getting whiplash from his best friend's actions.

one day, he's asking sia yoo if her best friend usually leaves her one night stands by the time they wake up. then he's throwing said one night stand's notes into the trash can before leaving for some frat meeting or another.

the next day, he's carrying another note from the same one night stand he can't seem to get out of his head.

jaehyun doesn't tell johnny anything. he really doesn't need to at this point. johnny suh is a senior in college and he's pretty much seen it all. he's also the vice president of a frat - which means that even if he didn't have all the experience that he did just because of his seniority, he definitely seen it because of the sheer number of stupid decisions frat brothers will find themselves making when they think they're going to either a) get drunk b) get high c) get their dick wet.

johnny knows it's all in good fun (fun that he's definitely not opposed to) but jaehyun's always been a little bit of an enigma when it came to all of it. he was good at the drinking and alright at the getting high and absolutely fan-fucking-tastic at the getting his dick wet.

it was the goddamn dimples. everyone always fell for the dimples.

and sure, while jaehyun had had crushes before (johnny could read his little like no other), they'd always been fueled by the hormonal rush of adrenaline and testosterone pumping through his veins. in fact, johnny's not sure that jaehyun had had a proper crush on anyone at college after getting fucked over in high school, where johnny had also gone to with jaehyun.

not that johnny had really known jaehyun. he was quieter and kept to himself more then. didn't really hang out in the same crowd as johnny.

he knows that's not necessarily true. johnny had, truthfully, just completely overlooked jaehyun. like a lot of girls had until jaehyun had finally started to grow into his features.

but johnny knows jaehyun now and he also knows that if jaehyun had never met gianna lee, jaehyun wouldn't have ever dove headfirst into the deep end of shitfuckery and sleeping around with every breathing body in sight.

cliché story of course. college boy becomes a fuckboy after having his heart broken by a girl in high school. johnny's almost 100% positive that sia's shoved at least two or three novels like those in johnny's face, with the same exact plot.

but what is life but a series of clichés after all. and honestly, did it even matter? it was real. it happened to jaehyun. that was all. end of story.

so johnny doesn't even say a word when he sees the post-it note in jaehyun's trash can. he's silent as he watches sia and jaehyun talk and jaehyun fall into a period of overthinking (and jaehyun knows he's overthinking too because johnny can see him shake his head even as he continues to stare at the 'people' tab of intro to east asia).

and johnny finally decides to break his silence when he sees jaehyun with a new post-it note, although this time it was a much more tame blue post-it, and a pensive look.

jaehyun slips it to johnny to read as they're sitting at the local starbucks, with johnny filling out some paperwork for the job he was signed on for as soon as the school year ended and jaehyun studying for the organic chemistry exam he had coming up the next week.

he doesn't say anything when he passes the note but johnny can see him sideye-ing him to catch his reaction and it's all he can do to keep from letting a little smile slip through.

he hands the piece of paper back, watching as jaehyun immediately stuffs it into his backpack, and for some reason, he's really not sure what to say. if sia were here, she would know exactly what to say, and how to say it. she had a way of saying things that were a little too straightforward to feel good but also obviously coming from a generally good place.

it was one of the reasons why johnny had thought it would be a good idea to make it official with her. sia yoo was nothing like what johnny had thought - and the thought simultaneously frightens him and comforts him.

"you plan on asking her out on a date?" johnny says lightly, sliding his laptop over to pretend to look at his phone casually. in actuality, he's typing furiously to sia (one of the few people that johnny trusted or consulted when it came to advice giving) about what was happening.

johnny is not very surprised when sia's gray bubble appears, disappears, and then appears again only to say, "yeah, i know."

he waits for a more elaborate response. or even a more sia-like response but the more that he talks to her, the more johnny is learning that sia is more unpredictable than she really seems to be.

and sia yoo seems to be completely out of the box.

johnny shakes his head, as if to physically get rid of the thoughts of her from his head, unsure why he was thinking of her when he was supposed to be helping out one of his boys.

"yeah. i think so? i don't know. i mean we had a good time and we definitely have chemistry. but we literally just had one night in bed and that's it." jaehyun furrows his eyebrows as he realizes that's not just it. "well, there is the fact that kun was walking around singing her praises. and i know that fatima wouldn't be friends with kun or y/n if she wasn't sure they're both good people. not to mention the fact that i've always thought she's kinda hot. but it's always been superficial. even us spending the night together was really nothing more than finding each other hot or trying to figure out if the talk around town was real or not."

johnny takes a sip of his americano as he lets jaehyun's words sink into his own mind. jaehyun rests his heads on his arms crossed in front of him and johnny knows exactly the set of thoughts that's running through jaehyun's mind because they were the same as johnny's when he had decided to ask sia out on a date.

is it worth it? is it worth possibly getting my heart strung up on someone again just to face the possibility of breaking it again?

so johnny offers the only advice that he really has.

"talk to roseanne. girls' fiercest protectors are their friends and something tells me that talking to her will make you fall on one side or the other."

+++

the next time that jaehyun sees roseanne is a complete coincidence. he really only meant to say hi to one of his homies, yugyeom, on the way out of the library and hadn't expected to run into roseanne or miyeon at all. especially not a singular day after johnny had suggested that he seek her out in the first place.

he watches as yugyeom thumbs the rip in miyeon's jeans as he continues to talk to jaehyun about something jeongguk had done the previous weekend. and then he sees miyeon press a kiss to roseanne's cheek as she gets up to fill up her water bottle.

jaehyun didn't think he would understand that dynamic at all but whatever floated their boat. who was he to judge? he had watched the barbie movie and was still having a crisis about his masculinity and was actively searching out his one night stand's (were you still just his one night stand?) roommate and best friend to fix it. to be fair, he didn't really fully understand the barbie movie, to the chagrin of doyoung's girlfriend nairobi but that was besides the point.

yeah. jaehyun was really in no position to speak. wow he had a lot of things to work on internally. the more he talked to the women in his life, the more he was realizing this. again. not the point.

roseanne takes one look at his face and then exchanges a look with miyeon and then yugyeom before standing up and walking towards the exit, looking at jaehyun questioningly when she realizes that jaehyun hasn't moved an inch. jaehyun hurriedly bids yugyeom and miyeon goodbye as he rushes after her.

the two of them linger outside of the library and roseanne just raises an eyebrow as she appraises jaehyun. and for some reason, jaehyun stands up straighter, and she just sighs, a small smile playing on her lips.

"let me guess. 'who makes people work for their number? what is this? sprinkle sprinkle type of stuff?' or maybe 'this is kinda cringey, isn't it?' or just a sweet and simple 'what the actual fuck?'" roseanne says nonchalantly, listing out each possible question jaehyun could have come to ask.

"would it make me a bad man if i said yes to all of the above?" jaehyun asks, shoving his hands into his pockets. roseanne shrugs, crossing her arms across her chest.

"not really. i don't think so at least. it's a fair set of questions that even i asked her the first time a guy came up to me asking who the fuck my roommate thought she was," roseanne says. she takes sees the look of confusion on jaehyun's face as she continues, "you're definitely not the first person to ask me that but you are of a selective few. y/n usually doesn't let people get this far in the first place. and secondly, she doesn't really tell us much about people she's interested in until much later."

"she's a strange person, if i'm being honest with you. there's just something about her that makes her so captivating and invisible at the same time. she'll capture the attention of everyone in the room but if you talk to her, she'll make you feel like her best friend. she seems like an open book, and an even more open friend. and you feel so close to her within a conversation and then you end the conversation, you realize that even as she spoke, she revealed nothing about herself."

"i'm her best friend and i could tell you very confidently that i didn't know a single thing about her truly until recently. it made me frustrated at first. like i was a shitty friend or something. but the closer to her i got, the more i realized that she's always been a great friend but no one's been a great friend to her. she's very selective with the people she associates with - not just people she lets herself be seen with but people she confides in."

"this whole thing is a defense mechanism. she'd be caught dead before she'd ever admit it but she just hasn't been loved in the way that she's loved and now she's more guarded for it. i'll tell you this jaehyun, but if you want to give up, do it now. she says she's just going to give you her number if you earn it but once you get all 10 digits, know that she's gonna give you her heart."

"it seems like i'm violating girl code by telling you all this but like i said, even if you were to ask y/n, she would say the same thing. not in so many words but still. like i said. she's an open book and a closed heart. she knows you're gonna ask me and so she only tells me something that she would be okay with you hearing."

jaehyun, who had been listening quietly and patiently the whole time, cuts in with a quiet voice. "isn't it exhausting to live like that?"

roseanne looks at him strangely, as though she was truly seeing him for the first time. jaehyun doesn't know if he's offended or relieved that she'd done what he'd done to sia - made assumptions based on his appearance. he lands on neutral. it's human nature, to try and make proper guesses about who's gonna act like what.

the ancient art of preventing heartbreak, jaehyun supposes.

"maybe. i don't think so though. it's gotta be a different level of relief knowing that no one's gonna talk shit about you because a) no one knows you well enough to do that or b) because you're so careful with who you trust that you know they'd never betray you or even c) they can only talk about what you put out into the world. it's why censorship is so effective. people can only talk about what they know. there's few people who will ignore what they see to find what they can't see tangibly."

"are all of y/n's friends secretly poets or something? why the hell are you guys all speaking cryptically like you're all freemasons or some shit like that. i can't tell if i find it cringey or cool," jaehyun says, cocking his head.

roseanne lets out a real, full bellied laugh at that, clutching her stomach as chuckles escape her. jaehyun's not sure what he's said that's so funny but he knows for a fact that she's not laughing with him, but at him.

"why is it cringey, jaehyun? why would it be cool? it's just what it is. we're just girls. you'll see us at the party next weekend, drinking our weight in alcohol. we'll have the conversations about makeup and dresses and having fun and our future and our past. there's nothing like freemasonry, i promise. it's just so amusing to see men get alarmed by the thoughts that girls have been wrestling with since they've been twelve. the duality of man, i guess," roseanne says finally, once she's caught her breath.

jaehyun doesn't know how to respond to that so he elects to save the remaining tatters of his dignity by just not responding at all. if there's one thing he's learned about you, it's that you surround yourself by women who are not hesitant about putting him in his place. and he's oddly thankful for it.

"i have one last question. well, two last questions, actually," jaehyun says when he sees roseanne turning around to head back inside, still wiping the tears from her eyes from laughing too hard.

roseanne turns, a knowing glint in her eyes even before jaehyun asks his question.

"how many guys have talked to you? and what's the highest number anyone's ever gotten to?"

roseanne is silent and just as the silence begins to turn awkward, she promptly turns on her heel and begins to walk away. she opens the door to the library before she seemingly changes her mind and looks back at jaehyun.

"two guys have talked to me. you're gonna have to ask fatima about the second question though. and jaehyun? the next number is 6."

96_-___-____.

+++

jaehyun finds fatima not soon after his conversation with roseanne. he's sitting in the nct house, watching johnny pace back and forth in his room, trying to figure out if what he was wearing was too casual for a date to a bowling alley.

it was way too formal, in jaehyun's opinion. but he was just going to wait for johnny to finish panicking (even if he would never admit that he was, in fact, panicking) to figure that out on his own. seriously though, who wore a button down and slacks to a bowling alley?

then again, he was going on a date with sia yoo so really, anything was fairplay when it came to that girl. she was a whirlwind of literally everything that could possibly go into a human being. she was a maximalist to the fullest, seizing every opportunity she could to make good memories, pressing forward with a sense of perfect clarity and sobriety that most people would be scared of.

the type of girl who was the main character of any story that she would feature in. sia was the type of person that people who trip and fall over themselves trying to have a good time with that she practically promised. she walked around with fairy dust in her fingers and a strange sense of wisdom that felt like she could read you like a book within a singular meeting with her.

jaehyun knows that she's the most intimidating out of all of the girls. out of you, roseanne, fatima, and sia, she was hands down the most frightening because even though she could read everyone else, no one could really read her.

then there was roseanne. she was the wet dream of every girl alive - the reason why straight girls lamented that they were straight and still falling a little bit in love with her. she was hot, flirtatious to the extent of making everyone wonder what they were when she gave them even a split second of attention, and so incredibly full of life. it doesn't surprise jaehyun that she had become exclusive with miyeon and yugyeom. for some reason, he feels like she just wouldn't have been able to settle for liking one person at once.

she was a little too much for just one person to be able to handle. she was like the human personification of a leather jacket wearing, motorcycle driving, woody cologne smelling wattpad trope. jaehyun understands her appeal all too well.

and then there was fatima. she was kind, sweet, kept to herself, and always offered a helping hand to those around her. jaehyun understood why kun had fallen so hard for her within two minutes of meeting her. she had an air about her that made you feel like she was someone who truly cared about you, even if you didn't know her and she didn't know you all that well. she was the type of girl who was always forgotten in the novels about warriors and princesses. the girl who was often reduced to nothing more than the main character's best friend.

until you met a girl like her in real life. fatima was still a little forgotten, and jaehyun knew that. guys often overlooked her in favor of her 'hotter' or 'wilder' friends, which is admittedly what jaehyun had thought at first. but she was just so genuine and clearheaded. she protected her peace in a way that was so unusual for young, college-going students. not to say that sia, roseanne, or you weren't genuine or anything like that. but fatima was the type of girl that jaehyun knew was perfect for kun. the girl that he could go home and know that no matter what he had done in his past, she would love him all the same.

and there was you. smart, strangely private, and a series of contradictions housed within one heart. jaehyun wracks his brain, trying to gather everything that he knew about you and yet, he comes up empty.

frustratingly empty.

jaehyun vaguely registers the fact that johnny has finally changed and is getting ready to go. he knows that he should say something about how johnny should just be himself and that sia liking him is completely up to her, regardless of what johnny were to do. but when he locks eyes with johnny, he realizes that johnny already knows.

so jaehyun just claps him on the back as he heads back to his room, his mind spinning as he tries to think of everything that he knows about you. and he draws a blank every fucking time.

he knows superficial things about you. maybe it's because he doesn't know you like he knows your friends. he hasn't talked to you as much as he's talked to them. but how does he not know you? he's been wanting to get with you for so long. he wanted more than just your body. he wanted your charm and your appeal.

was it just your body? is that all it was? is that all jaehyun wanted? somehow, jaehyun doesn't want to believe that. he doesn't want that for himself. logically, he knows that gianna's impact on his life shouldn't be extending this far. he knows that he shouldn't want or have to fight himself this hard but you're not making it much easier for him.

when was the last time jaehyun wanted to get to know such an enigma of a girl? gianna lee. and he wants nothing to do with a girl like that ever again.

and yet, here he is. falling into the same trap all over again.

jaehyun's so caught up in his own thoughts, feeling himself starting to spiral when he bumps in fatima and kun, who are equally caught up in a conversation with each other.

"oh, my bad," jaehyun mumbles, ready for fatima to brush past him but she doesn't, looking at jaehyun and then kun.

"hey man, we're headed back to my place. why don't you come back with us?" kun offers, and jaehyun just nods blankly, as he starts to follow them out of the nct house. kun stops at the entrance where he picks up a textbook from yuta, who had been borrowing it for the last week, before the three of them make their way out.

"how are you, jaehyun?" fatima asks with a sweet smile as they pile into kun's car. somehow, jaehyun doesn't want to give her a generic, insincere answer.

"i'm...okay. i'm just okay. confused but okay," jaehyun says and fatima seems alright with this answer. kun pulls out of the 'driveway' of the frat house, exchanging in a quiet conversation with fatima about what they were planning on eating for the night, leaving jaehyun to simmer in his thoughts.

gianna lee. there was a name that he thought about almost every day and never all at the same time. the girl who had made him and broke him. the girl that jaehyun had trusted with his heart and made him regret ever doing that.

the girl who had been the first love of his life.

+++

gianna was a year younger than him. smart, so incredibly sweet, and yet someone that no one could confidently say that they knew. she was the type of girl who could slip under the radar as easily as her friends seemed to always stay on top of.

she ran in the same circle as jaehyun had in senior year, right when jaehyun was beginning to blossom into the man that he was today. she had always been kind to him, if not a little withdrawn, even when he was a skinny boy with proportions that absolutely did not seem to match each other.

jaehyun didn't even know her well enough for her to break his heart, honestly. jaehyun had liked her even before having a proper conversation with her. he knew how left out she felt in her own body. even though he couldn't imagine a more gorgeous girl, he knew that she didn't feel that way about herself.

he knew that she always compared herself to her friends. her well-accomplished, 'main character' best friends who were the talk of the school. and her. no matter how intelligent or kind or put together she was, no one really looked at her the way that jaehyun did. she knew it.

even jaehyun couldn't place why he liked her so much. maybe it was the fact that he was somehow comforted that a girl with so much beauty could feel the same way as him. maybe it was the fact that she had always held the same smile for him, regardless of what he looked like. or maybe it was even the fact that one time, she had held his hand as she pulled him across the street, running to catch up with their friends who had already crossed.

jaehyun just remembers looking at her dyed cherry red hair falling into her eyes as she laughs, pulling him forward to where the rest of their friends were standing. and as he breathes in the smoke in the air and the raspberry scent of her perfume, he just knows that he really, truly likes gianna lee.

gianna lee doesn't like him the way that he likes her. he knows that. logically, jaehyun knows that his feelings are truly unfounded. he really has no reason to like gianna the way that he does. and yet, there's a part of him that holds onto the hope that maybe, just maybe, she'll turn around with those big eyes and upturned lips and say that she likes him the way that he likes her.

so he continues to look at her first when he makes the friend group laugh. he always slips her a napkin when he's getting one for himself when they're out getting milkshakes. he offers to help her with apush when she's stressing about a test the next week.

the closer he gets to her, the more jaehyun realizes that really, she was nothing like the image of her he had conjured in his head. she was every bit sweet as he had thought but she was argumentative, competitive, and all too obsessed with perfection. she always needed to be right in an argument, always had to win, and always had to make sure that she looked flawless doing so.

jaehyun doesn't realize it, of course. he's so obsessed with his glazed over façade of her that he just continues to let her win the arguments even when he knows that she's wrong. and she lets him wrap his arms around her when she gets an 89% on her test.

he lets her walk all over him and she lets him act on his feelings.

it was a toxic, parasitic relationship that neither of them were truly happy in. when gianna asked him out, jaehyun hadn't felt like fireworks were going off in his stomach. he felt like he had won a prize at a marathon. like he'd won a medal.

gianna wasn't a medal. she was a flawed, beautiful human being - every bit gorgeous and horrible as jaehyun and every other human being was. but jaehyun had won, hadn't he?

he hadn't. and it took so long for him to realize that by the time he'd realized that gianna had really only taken to him out of pity, he was so far in his own head that he didn't know how to leave her.

eventually, the summer before college rolled around and gianna had taken it upon herself to do the nasty deed of breaking up with him. it had been an amicable split, as far as their friends were concerned.

but none of them had ever truly either of their friends. so what did they know?

what did they know about gianna finding comfort in her ex's arms? what did they know about her grades slipping at the end of the school year? what did they know about her having to excuse herself at a meeting for her internship to sob in the bathroom as she realized the true fallacy in the way she had acted? what did they know about the way she had to reconstruct herself bottom up? nothing.

what did they know about jaehyun spending every other night with a different girl, trying to ease the ache in his heart? what did they know about the obscene number of hours at the gym, not sure how to combat the sudden numbness after girl after girl? what did they know about the fact that jaehyun could not physically stand the smell of raspberries anymore? absolutely nothing.

no one knew anything until jaehyun had finally come to college. it was once he joined the frat and met guys who were so alike and different from him at the same time that he finally opened up about gianna.

only to doyoung, kun, and johnny but people nonetheless. everyone had gone through something similar - while for some it happened at college or back home, they all knew the pain. some of them were more in the fault than others but pain is pain and a paper cut bleeds the same red as a gunshot wound.

which is why when kun sits him down on the couch and fatima hands him a cup of iced tea to save them all from the sweltering heat as august makes a last stand against september's winds, jaehyun spills everything.

gianna. his past. his insecurities. everything. he knows he shouldn't. logically, fatima had nothing stopping her from going and telling everything that jaehyun had told her to you, but for some reason, jaehyun thinks that she won't.

she doesn't.

+++

fatima knows that jaehyun was going to talk to her about something like this. it seemed that all of the nct boys came with some level of trauma like this. she wasn't sure what it was about every single boy she had met in college (although, granted, they were either her friends' conquests or kun's friends - a very interesting group of very intertwined boys) having their hearts getting ripped to shreds. sometimes it was of their own volition but they all seemed to be some level of hurt either way.

so when jaehyun spills his heart out on kun's carpeted floors, she's ready with a well-rehearsed speech. he's one of six boys she'd already had this same exact conversation with (kun has a bad habit of picking up strays) but when he looks at her with such raw anguish in his eyes, she falters.

she looks to kun, who's looking at her with the same question that she knows jaehyun is asking.

"how do you know when to choose between your head and your heart? because my heart is so fucking scared of getting attached to someone again. but my head knows that i can't push everyone away because i'm scared."

fatima is quiet, searching for the right words. she's about to say something when kun speaks up, looking determinedly at fatima.

"you learn to choose you. instead of choosing between your head and your heart, just choose yourself. at the end of the day, you and y/n are good people who aren't trying to hurt each other. you're both trying not to get hurt. and honestly, maybe you'll realize that you both are better off as friends along the way. maybe you just realize that you don't want to be with someone right now. or maybe you find someone who makes you feel like you're safe and loved when you're around them, whether you're in love with them or not." fatima looks at kun with a soft smile, reaching out to hold his hand gently.

"you have to choose yourself, jaehyun. trust me. the more you start thinking about what is best for the people around you instead of thinking for yourself, you'll look back fifteen, twenty years down the road and see everyone but yourself in your life. don't do something because gianna and how she made you feel. don't let your past define your future," fatima says, and jaehyun can feel the tears prick his eyes. he blinks determinedly, trying to make them disappear but when kun sits on one side of him and fatima on the other, he starts losing his battle against his emotions, finally letting himself mourn the innocence he had once had.

he buries his head into fatima's shoulder and for some reason, he feels as though kun and fatima would be amazing parents. because jaehyun doesn't remember the last time that he had felt this safe in an embrace.

"and jaehyun? the furthest anyone has ever gotten is five numbers. you're at three. it's your call from here. do what you want, not what you think you need to do." fatima taps his shoulder gently and lets him cry for as long as he needs to.

963-___-____.

+++

jaehyun gets the next number from you. after his conversation with fatima, he's sure that if he wants to go any further than this, he needed to talk to you first.

it's strange. he's earning your number but it feels like jaehyun's somehow earning himself back. and when he finds you again, he knows that you can tell.

even johnny could tell. when he had come back from his (successful) date with sia, the first thing he had said was, "wow. you look so...light."

jaehyun hadn't said anything but 'thank you' but it was enough.

johnny had just smiled at him and recounted the date, stating that he was going to ask her to go on another date this saturday night. jaehyun doesn't mention the fact that nct is throwing that night because johnny already knows.

and honestly, sia is a junior and johnny is a senior. they've been to their fair share of parties. one party being missed wouldn't be life changing for them. but skipping a party as the vice president of a frat and a girl who was sought after as a sweetheart for six frats meant something nonetheless.

he hadn't expected that they were to get that serious that quickly but it was a refreshing change. even fatima and kun were starting about talking about talking to fatima's parents to get their blessing for their relationship. her dilemma was no secret and it seemed that the conversation between the three of them had served to help them through their own issues as well.

there was just something in the air, jaehyun had supposed. august turned to september in the week that jaehyun had wrestled with himself, eventually leading to seeking you out.

it had been at the nct party, actually. you were standing with some of your acquaintances, all of your friends having dispersed to do what they were going to do. jaehyun had been on the other side of the room, convincing bambam that it was most definitely not a good idea to try and pursue soyeon jeon if he wanted to make sure that he woke up with all his limbs intact the next morning.

you had met his eye, raising an eyebrow before continuing your conversation, all thoughts of him seemingly out of your mind. jaehyun looks between bambam (who has gone from trying to get with soyeon to jumping into the pool) (that pool had not been cleaned in a full six months) and you. he just finds jungwoo, one of the pledges, and hands him a very drunk bambam.

"do not let him do anything dumb. i'm counting on you pledge," jaehyun called out over his shoulder as he weaves through people to get to you.

"jaehyun! hey! long time no see," hailey whitfield says, throwing herself in jaehyun's arms. jaehyun looks at you, where you're staring straight at where hailey's body ends and his arms begin. jaehyun tries to push her off of him. once upon a time, jaehyun would've been behind happy about getting with her again - she was so good with her mouth. but now, he has no intentions of giving you the wrong impression.

at least until he has a proper conversation with you so that you knew where he stood with you. and where you stood with him.

"hey hailey, sorry i've gotta get to my friend," he says, not even looking at her as he pushes off of her, resuming his threading through the crowd to where you're standing. you look at him, unimpressed, but jaehyun knows you well enough to know that three numbers are enough to make you feel a certain way if jaehyun was fooling around with other girls.

which he hasn't been. not a single night. jaehyun jung's bed has been empty for an entire two weeks, something that doyoung and nairobi have been taking full advantage of.

even some of jaehyun's friends had started asking if he was having problems or something but he had brushed them off. he definitely wasn't having problems, if hailey whitfield was any indication. but he felt like it would be doing you dirty if he had someone in his bed while he was talking to your friends about you.

so he hadn't.

he knows you know. he knows that you know he's talked to sia, roseanne, and fatima. he'd figured that you'd find out either through them or just by him. he can tell by the look in your eyes that you've read him thoroughly.

so he really doesn't feel bad about pulling you away from your friends, taking you upstairs to his room. finally, doyoung had promised that they would go back to nairobi's place on the condition that jaehyun made sure that no one would try to fuck on his bed. he promised, knowing that the only person who'd be coming up here would be him. he needed to talk to you tonight. if he knew anything it was that.

but once you're sitting on his bed, watching him pace back and forward, he's lost everything he's been wanting to say. where does he even start? with gianna? with the questions he has for you? with the number? where does he begin?

jaehyun looks at you, where you're watching him with a small smile on your face and suddenly, it doesn't matter where he begins. you'll listen to it all. he knows that much.

"why do you want me to work for your number?" jaehyun asks. you look at him curiously, tilting your head as you piece together an answer.

"are you sure you don't know the answer to that question?" you say, folding your legs so that you're sitting criss cross on the navy covers.

"i do. but i want to hear it from you, y/n. you know what all your friends say about you? that they didn't properly know you until a full year of friendship with you. but they said that you never lie. so i want you to tell me," jaehyun says, chest heaving by the end of his ramble. his eyes turn soft as he watches you become more and more solemn and he steps forward, sitting down on his desk chair and swiveling it over so that he was sitting directly across from you.

you pause for a moment, searching for the words before saying anything. "i've never been in a relationship before. so i don't have the trauma that could come from something like that. but i know what it's like to lose your heart to someone. and i know that it hurts. i want to be loved in the way that i never thought i could be. so the number thing is just an excuse for me to get to the point where i won't feel guilty about liking someone."

you shrug, smiling but not allowing the smile to reach your eyes. "it's a good way to make sure that the guy knows what he's getting into either way."

jaehyun nods at that. he knew that much. it feels different hearing it from you though. when you're the one saying it, jaehyun knows that it's real. raw. not coming from people trying to protect you because they know that you're far too soft to truly come at him guns blazing.

somehow, he likes it. he likes that you're much softer than you seem. that you're a lot more vulnerable than you come off as. and for some reason, jaehyun hopes that you never perfect the art of becoming standoffish.

"hmm. you've never been in a relationship before?" jaehyun says finally and you nod, shrugging once more. a shadow of bittersweet nostalgia crosses your face before you're back to your soft smile and guarded yet curious eyes.

"nope. part of it was on me; i've got high standards, if you can't tell. and the other part was that i've always wanted someone who fascinates me. of course, i wasn't all that appealing to men because i spent so much time trying to beat them at the only thing they were good at - ego-boosting themselves but they weren't interesting. none of them were people i really wanted to get to know," you say, unfolding your legs.

jaehyun likes the fact that the tips of your toes are the only part of your feet that touch the ground from how far back you're sitting on the bed. in an act of boldness, jaehyun moves forward to sit next to you, right where you're sitting. his feet are flat on the floor, he realizes.

he doesn't know why he's noticing things like this but he is and something about that frustrates him, frightens him, and tugs at his heartstrings altogether.

"you're heartbroken, aren't you? boys like you always seem to be a little hurt," you say, tossing the words into the air like rose petals. they're recklessly thrown but they're somehow beautiful in the way that blackened roses are always beautiful.

"yeah. i was. i think i will always mourn who i was before that. i was so naïve. but i'm not him anymore. and i think i'm realizing that i'm actually okay with that." jaehyun says the words just as carelessly as you do but once they're out in the open, he realizes that he's being completely honest. he turns to you with a strange look though.

"boys like me?"

you smile and nod at him. "boys like you."

you stand up, walking to where jaehyun has a corkboard with a shitload of scraps and photos from the past two years. you don't mention the fact that none of the memories that he has on the board date from before senior year. you don't need to.

"boys like you who've never been loved completely. boys who think that they need to listen to what the world says about how they should be acting or thinking. boys who are hopeless romantics but what would the world say if they knew that these boys just wanted a little bit of love? what would they say if they were looking for warmth in an empty and cold bed?"

jaehyun hates that you're right. it's the college boy tragedy. condemned to never be able to completely heal from one bad experience and then always breaking hearts to collect enough pieces to build themselves a new one.

he didn't want to end like that. even if it wasn't with you, he was ready to grow past it. he didn't want to end as a heartbreaker.

"boys like me...and you like a boy like me?" jaehyun asks. he doesn't know why he does. this is the first proper conversation you've had with him when both of you are decidedly sober. you want to deflect the question but if he's being honest, that's a sign for you to be just as honest.

"i don't know. from what my friends say, and what i know about you as a person in class, i know you mean well. and honestly, i've always just been the type of person to like someone past things like the books they read or the way they dress," you say, still looking at the memories jaehyun's pieced together over the years on this board. "i feel something around you. and i don't know you well enough to know that i like you as someone more than a friend but i'd like to at least have the chance to get that far."

that's all jaehyun needs. he gets another number that night.

+++

jaehyun waits for you outside of intro to east asia, rocking back and forth on the balls of his feet as he waits for you to make it out of the classroom. you're the last one to leave, knowing that technically, you and jaehyun weren't allowed to see each other while he was your ta.

jaehyun had never really pegged you as someone with so much respect for the rules but you had argued that it was mostly about the principle.

he'd learned a lot about you that last weekend. you and him had stayed up all night, talking about nothing and everything under the sun until the sun itself rose, eventually falling asleep in a tangled mess of limbs and conversations.

he learned that while you didn't like the rules, you often followed them as long as they followed your own moral code. that you would die for your friends and that had landed you in many bad friendships when people would use that to their advantage before you'd met your friends in college. he learned that you were super close with your family, and that they were quite literally the best friends that you could always rely on.

and he learned that you wanted to see him again. on a date. sometime soon. so with no real way of communicating with you outside of social media (and he somehow felt like sliding into your dm's was corny and somewhat of a copout), here he was. waiting outside of the classroom like he was ripped straight from a 1950's romance movie. he even had the letterman jacket on to boot.

"oh my god, you scared me," you say, pressing a hand to your chest as you quite nearly bump into jaehyun. he smiles, readjusting his backpack on his shoulders as the two of you start walking.

"you knew i was waiting for you outside, didn't you?" he says, pushing the side door open to walk towards the parking lot, where he's convinced kun to let him borrow his car for the day.

"yeah but i didn't think you would be literally outside the door," you murmur, checking your phone to see the rest of your day's schedule. you had purposefully blocked off three hours of your schedule to hang out with jaehyun, which you were sure to regret later on when your organic chemistry class kicked your ass. but that was a later issue.

"well, i couldn't text you where i was so i figured i'd wait in plain sight," jaehyun retorts, opening the passenger door for you without a word. huh. that was the first time a man has ever done that for you. and jaehyun did it as though it were second nature - like it was a given.

you don't know why something so small means so much to you but you're alright with it. you're alright with just appreciating it.

"that's fair," you say. another number's on the tip of your tongue as you watch him get into the driver's seat but jaehyun beats you to the punch.

"don't give me a number. not yet," jaehyun says. "not that i don't want one. but i just...me waiting outside your classroom or opening your door isn't enough for a number. even if i don't get all ten, you've got to up your standards."

you don't know what to say to that so you don't say anything, turning on the music and letting the melody of chemtrails under the country club by lana del ray fill the rainy september afternoon sky.

+++

when jaehyun pulls up to a run down diner, you're pleasantly surprised. although you're not much of a sucker for romantic places, the fact that jaehyun is somehow makes you happy. it makes you happy that he still sees the beauty in places like these. and when you look over at him, dimples threatening to show as he breathes in the air of misty fog and the smell of milkshakes and burgers, you're so tempted to kiss him.

so you lean over, looking at him with a twinkle in your eyes once jaehyun has parked.

"can i kiss you?" you ask, mere inches from his lips. jaehyun just looks at you, and from this close, you realize just how beautiful his eyes are. they're dark, darker than anyone else's that you know. and yet, it feels like you could fall in and never regret it.

"please."

it's all you need. and it's all he needs because as soon as word slips from his lips, he's pressing forward, his lips against yours. he's soft, you register vaguely. nothing like last time. nothing like how he'd kissed you like he could think of nothing but absolutely ruining you.

jaehyun is soft. like the feeling of slipping a cold hand into someone's warm jacket pocket. he kisses you like he's scared of ruining you. ruining this. and you're absolutely addicted to the feeling.

the feeling of knowing that he could just claim you instead of trying his best to claim your heart. no matter how fucked up it was that you were even thinking that someone could 'claim' you. he wasn't like that and you could work with that.

he pulls away from you, eyes still closed as he sits against the drivers seat, his head against the headrest. you watch him, a silly and childish smile on your face - although you're not really sure why it's there in the first place. but who are you to knock anything?

there aren't many words to exchange as the two of you make your way into the diner. jaehyun had opened your car door again. this time, you just offer him your hand and you're strangely alright with just how safe you feel with his hand locked in yours.

the diner seems as though time has frozen still here.

and everything about the date seems the same. it feels as though time has frozen still - almost as though the two of you are in a little bubble with no one but each other. it's a feeling you haven't experienced in a while. a feeling you don't think you've ever had because of a boy.

it feels...almost scarily comfortable. it doesn't feel as though there are fireworks exploding for every word that jaehyun says. but it does feel as though that there's a hot mug of cocoa that's been handed to you on a cold winter night. and that feeling, the feeling of warmth spreading through every corner of your body, is the feeling that you know is good for you.

so you listen to him, watch him speak animatedly about basketball or a book he read, chin resting in your palm as you find yourself falling deeper and deeper.

jaehyun gets two numbers that day.

+++

it doesn't take much longer for jaehyun to get the rest of the numbers. soon enough, you're more than happy just to spend time with him the way that you spend time with your friends. you feel as though you've made a good friend out of someone you'd thought that you wouldn't even be able to get along with.

"you know, when i first met you, even before i knew you, i really didn't like you," you say, taking a sip out of your latte. the seasons have changed, fall giving way to winter. the november air bites your skin every time someone opens the door to the tiny café the two of you were sitting in.

jaehyun smiles, nodding as he leans back in his chair. "i know. i could tell by the look in your eyes."

"the look in my eyes?"

"yeah. the one that said that you wanted to get to know me. to figure out my deal even if you didn't necessarily want to find out for sure. kind of like you wanted to be the one that said 'aha!' at the end of a movie, even though you weren't sure of the ending at all."

you look at jaehyun for a moment before laughing, shaking your head as you laugh. "you're even starting to talk like me now."

jaehyun pauses before he nods, smiling with you. "yeah, i know. you've rubbed off on me in a lot of ways."

"i've improved your music taste, that's for sure," you snort, taking another sip out of your latte. "i still can't believe you didn't like ric flair drip when we met."

"it's not that i didn't like it and it's still not that i like it now. but i guess i just have a good memory associated with it now so it's growing on me," jaehyun says. your eyebrows furrow as you try to recollect what good memory he could possibly be referring to.

"oh my god. the night that we met! i was trying to get in your pants with ric flair drip," you say incredulously, shivering when someone opens and closes the door once more. jaehyun hands you his hoodie, leaving his arm extended silently when you protest.

you don't know why you still bother trying to protest with him when you knew you were going to lose. you put the sweater on as jaehyun starts talking, letting the scent of clean water and pine trees swaddle you softly.

"honestly, i think i was more than you that night," jaehyun says, as he looks at you with an incriminating twinkle in his eyes. "that was around the time that even taeyong said that he wanted to see if kun's vivid descriptions were true or not. and i wasn't about to let him get the opportunity to get to you before i did. i don't know why. i felt almost protective over you. but not in a good way. in the type of way where i wanted to show you how good i could make you feel - more than anyone could even begin to think of making you feel."

the previously cold café begins to become a lot hotter than you were feeling before, clearing your throat as you try to let the moment pass.

"how did we even get here?" you say, fanning yourself delicately. the move only serves to work against you when you fan yourself so that the scent of his cologne on his hoodie only gets stronger in your mind.

jaehyun leans back, letting you switch the conversation. he'd bring it up to you later in the night, anyway. besides, for someone who puts on such a strong front, it's honestly a little fun to see you squirm at the slightest implications from jaehyun.

"but, uh, jaehyun. i've been meaning to ask you something for a while," you begin, fidgeting with the wrapper of the straw in front of you. jaehyun tilts his head as if to question what you have to say as he waits patiently.

"what are we?"

now jaehyun is truly confused. was the past month of going on dates not clear enough? jaehyun wasn't going on dates with anyone else. oh my god. were you going on dates with other men? is that why you're asking.

"i thought we were dating?" jaehyun says, phrasing his sentence more like a question than a statement. "i mean i'm not talking to anyone else and i kinda assumed that since i'd gotten all ten numbers, neither were you."

you hum, unable to stop the silly smile on your face.

"good. that's just what i was thinking too."

+++

honestly, everything about jaehyun jung is appealing to you. from the way that he engulfs you in a hug when you're up late studying. or the way that he convinces you that you have a virus on your laptop just so that he could spend more time with you 'fixing' your laptop for you. or the way that he sits with you and your friends, patiently listening and offering advice wherever he can (or honestly, is just allowed to speak).

you're so glad to see him like this. as your boyfriend of four and a half months (you hadn't let him make it official until he was no longer your ta), you've seen him grow in ways that you'd never thought. jaehyun was every inch the stupid, naïve fuckboy you'd thought him to be in the beginning. and he was also every inch the hopeless romantic with a little too much love to give for a scarred heart.

so you heal together. you help each other when you quite literally can't handle the pain and together, you grow. he's more confident. not just in the way that he looks - but the way that he speaks around people. the way that he educates himself. the way that he communicates how he feels.

and he helps you everyday. he shows you what it feels like to be loved the way you love others. he shows you that you are worth the princess treatment. and most importantly for you, he loves the people around you the way you love the people around you.

kun and fatima find their happy ending. fatima had spoken to her parents and while they took some time to warm up to kun, his soft demeanor and the way that he loved fatima so completely and sincerely eventually won them over. fatima even met kun's parents with equal success, although kun's mother kept asking when fatima and kun would get married.

(their wedding was already in the works by both fatima's mother and kun's mother. you were beyond elated to go to both the traditional muslim ceremony and the traditional chinese ceremonies.)

johnny and sia ended up going out on a couple more dates before realizing that they probably just weren't meant to be a couple. they loved each other as friends and were probably always going to hold a special place in each other's lives but it just wouldn't be as each other's significant others. johnny was already starting to retreat from the frat boy lifestyle after meeting a girl at the library one day. and sia had finally met someone who could handle her crazy personality with a sweet smile, bringing her back down to reality whenever she went a little...too lively. you're looking forward to meeting him over summer, where the four of you and your friends were going on a vacation together.

roseanne, yugyeom, and miyeon still haven't put a label on their relationship. but you've caught roseanne falling asleep in yugyeom's arms more than once (one too many times than rosie cares to admit) so you figure that it's a good thing that they've all found each other. as unconventional as their relationship might be, they all mesh together so well that you can't even find it in yourself to question it. all's fair in love and war.

jaehyun and you frequent the diner as a favorite date night spot to visit, although you're upset to hear that they're remodeling the entire establishment for favor of a new, more 'modern' atmosphere. although how modern a diner could get was a little bit of a strange notion. but as people change, so do the winds.

and when you walk into the diner the next semester, hand in hand with jaehyun, you're a little comforted to see that diner is now a speakeasy (in true 1970s fashion) with three words written in blinding rhinestones against the velvet background. of course.

ric flair drip.

[lovexjoe]

How would Armando be if he thought the reader was sweet cute never hurt anyone or a fly but when they are partnered up to go on a mission she the opposite… please do this

Damsel In Distress

A.N: This one is gonna be fun! Y/N will be used as bait for a mission, but Armando doesn't realize she can hold her own. The karambit scene from Bad Boys For Life, Y/N takes the place of Armando with some dialogue changed. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nHQFzABygCI

Warnings: Violence, some fluffy fluff

Y/N POV

Armando and I have been arguing all morning and afternoon. I don't get what his problem is, he's treating me like a child.

"¿Estás loca? ¡No lo vas a hacer!" (Are you crazy? You're not doing it!)

"Im doing it and that's final!" You stormed out the house.

You guys haven't made things official yet and it's fights like this that reminds you this relationship might be a ticking timebomb. Since I've been partnered with him, he doesn't let me get in on ANY of the fun. I am talking I look like a damsel in distress even AMMO squad laughs about it.

"I think he has a crush on you. It's kinda cute" Kelly teases you as you finish up some of the files that needed to get done for the team. No one really knew what was happening behind the scenes.

"Thinks? Oh he definitely does" Rita says.

"I am sorry in advance that my son is a pain in the ass" Mike shakes his head.

"Advance? You a little late on the apology Mike. This boy been a pain in the ass since we partnered them up!" Marcus adds in.

Everyone chimes their opinion in till the room went silent due to Armando walking in.

"I don't think Y/N should be used as bait tonight, it's not safe" He leans against the wall with everyone trying to suppress their laughter.

Armando really does not know who you are. Yes, your exterior may look sweet and innocent, but out of the whole AMMO squad: you're the deadliest. Which is why you stick to the tech stuff until they really needed you. Mike and Marcus pulled him aside to have a talk: good luck cause he never listens.

Armando POV

This girl drives me insane. Someone as innocent and sweet as her just READY to jump in the fire. Mike and Marcus try to be the voice of reason, but I really wasn't trying to listen. If anything or anyone touches a hair on her head, I'm putting a bullet through them and not thinking twice.

"Mando listen, I understand and I am genuinely surprised that you care, but I promise just stay on standby and watch from the overhead." Armando shoots Mike a glare knowing he wasn't going to win this one regardless so he decided he'll just be on sniper watch.

As it started to get dark outside, we loaded up everything we needed. Y/N was geared up and she looked gorgeous. This women drives me completely insane, but I'd do anything for her. We parked in our hideout spot and started exiting out the van. I grabbed Y/N's hand.

"Listen, just signal me if you need help. " I pulled her close and placed a kiss on her forehead, then proceeded to set up my sniper in the designated area.

✧༝┉┉┉┉┉˚❋ ❋ ❋˚┉┉┉┉┉༝✧✧༝┉┉┉┉┉˚❋ ❋ ❋˚┉┉┉┉┉༝✧

Y/N walks to the pinpoint location, meeting up with the drug dealers. She brought her favorite little karambit with her. She warned Marcus and Mike that it might get bloody. These idiots knowing she's a female they're going to try to ambush her. Mike said as long as the leader isn't killed, everything else goes under the radar.

"Karina!" The leader calls out cheerfully. You drop the bag filled with fake money on the floor ignoring his gesture for a hug. Armando lurking from his position, taking quick glimpses of how gorgeous you looked right now.

"We're so sorry to have to do this to you Karina. But your services are no longer needed" 6 men started to slowly close in on you. Armando positions his finger on the trigger, ready to take the leader out and fuck this whole case up. Your safety means more than any case and he'd gladly go back to prison for you. Right as he's about to pull the trigger, Mike says over the intercom to just sit back and enjoyed the show. Armando was confused as you snatched the gun from the leaders hand, placing a bullet in each of his knees and uppercutting him: knocking him out cold. Nap time! You took out your karambit and everything went black. You didn't know what happened in between, but when you came back to your senses your karambit was shoved into the mouth of one of this drug dealer's minions. With 6 bloody bodies surrounding you. You turned to Armando and said

"Oops" You wink.

"That's what im talking about!" Mike and Marcus cheered. Rita and the rest of the AMMO squad came out to wrap everything up. You headed back to the van. Armando was shocked for sure. Turned on? Majorly. Sweet and innocent was DEFINITELY not the words used to describe you anymore. You heard the door of the van open, seeing its your favorite partner in the world.

"You okay mami? I don't want any problems." He slowly creeps in with his hands up, teasing you.

"Yes I'm fine" You chuckled as he pulls you close.

"Yes, you most definitely are" He leans down placing a kiss on your lips.

[aniesvision]

dating? (matt sturniolo x f! reader)

warnings: lying, anxiety, panicking (nothing too bad), mostly just fluff

a/n: hi!! this one is just a cute little short fluff, it's translated from my wattpad account. friendly reminder: english is not my first language, i'm sorry if there's any mistakes ✨

synopsis: your friends were going to have Madison Beer as their next guest on their podcast and you were excited to meet her. Things take a different turn when, finally talking to her, you realize one of your friends lied to her.

colors: matt you nick chris madison ✨

⋆⁺₊⋆ ☾ ⋆⁺₊⋆ ☁︎

Just over two hours after entering the podcast studio, the three boys and the day's special guest, Madison Beer, appeared in the living room.

I had only arrived a few minutes ago and let myself in with the extra key that Nick had given to me once, considering how many times we went to each other's houses (he also have a key to my apartment).

I was practically family now. And, for that very reason, they accepted me only coming here today with the interest of getting to know Madison.

-Hi! It's so nice to finally meet you. -I smile excitedly as soon as I see the girl.

I was a big fan of her work, not the kind who followed every detail of her life or waited anxiously for news stories to find out when the new album was coming out, but the kind who listened to her songs from time to time and liked them. And also related with the lyrics.

Madison gives me a genuine smile, not waiting a second before pulling me into a hug, kindly greeting me and walking with me to the kitchen.

I showed her where the glasses and water were while the boys threw themselves down on the couch I was on earlier.

-The boys have told me a lot about you, especially Matt, you guys make such a cute couple. -She says with a big genuine smile, setting her empty glass on the counter.

-Huh? -I ask, confused. -What do you mean "couple"?

Madison spent her whole day with the guys. They decided to hang out before filming so it'd feel more natural. I haven't been able to talk to any of them yet, considering they were filming and I immediately went to talk to Madison when they were done.

I glance in the direction of the couch, seeing that Matt is looking at us suspiciously. Maybe he said we were dating for a reason, and I'll find out later, but for now I'm going to be the good friend who lies to get in on the act and help him out.

-Matt told me you guys are dating. And I'm sorry, I didn't know you had something, I have a friend who has a certain interest in him and I tried to help her, but neither of us are the type to destroy happy couples, so don't worry, it won't happen again.

Madison explains, making some gestures with her hands and I smile, trying to dispel the feeling of guilt that exuded from her face.

-Oh, it's okay, it's a recent thing, we haven't really announced it yet. -I answer, tucking a lock of hair behind my ear. It's so hard to lie, specially about something like this and specially to THE Madison Beer.

-I understand, but now I know, and she knows, and I'm sorry again. -Madison says, but I can't answer as Matthew appears in the kitchen.

-Hey, can I talk to you for a minute? -The boy looks at me with a fake smile and pulls me by the wrist to his room, locking the door as soon as we enter.

He didn't even give me a chance to excuse myself, he just dragged me away from Madison.

-Matt, what the fuck was that? -I ask, disbelieving that I've been taken out of the conversation so abruptly.

I crossed my arms and looked at him in confusion, trying to understand his reaction. He seemed nervous and kept looking down, running his hand through his hair repeatedly.

-I don't know. -He replies, his voice low.

-Why did you tell her we're dating?

I tried to keep my voice as calm as possible, to show him that I wasn't angry, just confused. Annoyed, for sure, but mostly confused. I didn't want to make him feel bad in any way.

-Madison tried to give me her friend's number, and I don't know, I guess I panicked. -Matt rubs his eyes a little.

-If you didn't want to, you could've just said 'no' or 'I'm not interested'. -I uncross my arms, but continue to stare at him in confusion.

-I panicked. -He repeats, starting to play with the rings on his fingers.

I take a few steps forward and take a deep breath. I put my hand on his, squeezing it lightly and making him look at me.

-It's okay. -I smiled, trying to calm him down.

-Are you mad at me? -He asks, squeezing my hand tighter.

-Of course not. I was just confused, I still am, but I think the biggest problem isn't that you said it, it's that Madison is no longer the only one who knows about our "relationship" and maybe we need to talk about what to do now.

I keep making eye contact and standing close to him, not stepping back so he wouldn't think I was somehow mad at him. Matt and I have been friends for a long time, and we both show affection through touch, so hugs, holding hands, sleeping in the same bed and things like that, are normal. But it's always just friendly.

What's not so normal is hearing that he invented a relationship between the two of us so that he wouldn't have to dump a girl and for some reason during his moment of panic I was the person he thought of to say he was dating.

Although we have a very strong friendship, not just me and him, but me and his brothers, I understand that maybe I was a kind of easy answer because I was always there.

Part of me believes this theory, that it was just a mistake out of anxiety, nothing major. Part of me wants to believe that he feels something more.

It's not like I like him, or have a crush on him or anything. I don't feel anything other than friendship for him, I can't feel it.

He's my friend and he should probably just stay my friend.

He really is an amazing person, he's attractive, I can't deny that, he's funny, we have a lot in common, we get along well, I enjoy being with him and he would certainly make a great boyfriend.

But not for me, he doesn't see me that way.

He could've gotten someone's number, he could've gotten along with a nice person, and yet he preferred to lie and say he was dating me.

He preferred a fake relationship to the chance of something real.

He panicked, but why did he panic? It's not as if anyone would think it was that bad to be dumped, it's not. It happens all the time.

I don't know how I'd feel if he told me that he'd got the number of a new girl. That he's going out with her, that he likes her. I don't know how I'd feel if he had someone else in his life. Someone that's not going to be just a friend.

I should be happy, but I probably wouldn't.

It's Matt, after all. He's my best friend, he's the one who's with me in every situation, he's the person I want to be with in my days and rely on for every moment. That's Matt. And I love him with all my heart.

I don't want to distance myself if I know he has someone else with whom he's going to do all the things we do. And even more things we've never done, but in any case, the attention would be hers, it would all be for her.

And as selfish as it is, maybe I don't want that person to exist for him. I want to remain the focus of his attention.

-I don't know what to do. -He says, getting more anxious and pulling me out of my own thoughts, back to facing the situation.

-Matt, it's okay. -I put my hands on his face, forcing him to look at me as I spoke. -It's just a fake dating thing. It's not the worst thing in the world and we'll work it out together, okay?

Matt puts his hands on my hips, pulling me closer.

-I don't know if I want to lie anymore. I can't. I need to tell the truth. -He whispers, shaking his head repeatedly.

I put my arms around him, hugging him and feeling his rapid heartbeat as he tried to take a deep breath.

-Breathe, Matt, I'm here, and it's okay, it's going to be okay.

I keep squeezing his body and he squeezes mine back, only pulling slightly away to look me in the eye.

-I lied to Madison and I couldn't say "no" because I'd feel guilty accepting another girl's number knowing that there's only one girl in this world that I want. -His voice is just above a whisper, a little shaky but firm enough to show how serious he was about his words.

He placed his hand on my cheek, caressing it gently.

-Matt... -I try to say something, but I was so stunned with the confession that I couldn't.

-I lied because I'm in love with you and I do want to date you for real, I'm sorry, I should have just confessed all this before and avoided this situation, I'm really sorry, I'm an idiot.

I giggle at the way he said it. Matt has just confessed his feelings for me and he's so anxious that he looks like he's going to die at any second and I can only laugh. It's so silly. So stupidly silly, the way I've been shoving my feelings down the ground and he was out there lying that he was dating me because he feels the same. And neither of us though of talking about it before acting stupid.

-Then we don't have to do anything, silly. There's no fake relationship to unmask if it's real. -I smile, slipping my arms around his shoulders and getting even closer to him.

-Wait. Does that mean you feel the same? -He asks, his eyes widening in a mix of confusion and surprise.

Without thinking too much, I close the distance between us, bringing our lips together in a long affectionate kiss. We pull apart from lack of air and I smile with our faces still close.

-Do you want to be my girlfriend? Like, for real this time? -Matt asked, with our lips ghosting.

He had a smile on his face that immediately made me realize how much I am and always have been in love with him, I just never wanted to accept it.

-Of course I do. -I accept, with a smile.

He joins our lips in a kiss once more and leaves several kisses on my face, then on my neck and finally back on my lips.

-Matt, everyone's in the living room, we need to go back. -I giggle, with my eyes closed, still feeling kisses on my face with a smile.

-Yeah, you need to talk to Madison more, I forgot you came just to see her today. -He lets go of me, chuckling and taking my hand.

-It's not my fault she's perfect. -I laugh too, interlacing our fingers with a shrug and pulling us towards the bedroom door.

-You're the only one who's perfect for me. -Matt whispers in my ear before opening the door and pulling me into the hallway, his face completely red with a silly grin.

We sat down together on the couch next to Madison and I got back into talking to her again, about the podcast, her music, her day, what she liked to do and things like that. She's such a sweetheart and I was so happy to meet her that my heart was racing. Obviously not just because of that, but honestly this day is just full of surprises.

At some point, Nick and Chris got closer and joined in the conversation too and it was amazing to see how everyone was so comfortable talking to each other.

Madison seemed to be a great friend and I intended to keep her in my life.

While Nick asked about what we wanted to eat and they discussed seating options, Matt wrapped his arm around my shoulders and sank his head into my neck, leaving little kisses all around.

-You guys are so cute. -Madison draws the attention of the whole group to the two of us, making me feel a little embarrassed, but happy.

-It's normal, they're clingy, it's disgusting. -Nick comments, still not connecting the dots.

-Don't say this, Nick, every couple is clingy at first. I think it's cute. -Madison looks at me with a smile.

-COUPLE? -Nick and Chris yell together, confused, looking between everyone in the room.

I hear Matt's giggle, his face still nestled in the crook of my neck. He must have been as embarrassed as I was, but it was still funny.

-Yes, a couple, people who are dating and all that. I think we forgot to tell them. -I say, sarcastically, trying to stay serious and not burst into laughter as I nudge Matt.

-Dating? You two are dating? -Nick asks again, confused. He took turns looking between me and Matt, arching an eyebrow.

Chris was looking at us laughing and Madison was a little confused, but finding the whole thing just as funny. Then Matt lifts his face, showing his big smile and red face, pulls me closer, making me lay my head on his chest this time, and starts messing with strands of my hair before looking at his brothers.

-Yes, Nick, we're dating.

With that, he lifts my face by the chin and leaves a quick kiss on my lips. I could feel my heart beating faster, but Nick and Chris's reactions were so good that I couldn't pay attention to my nervousness.

-AND YOU TOLD MADISON FIRST?! -Nick looks at us indignantly.

-I didn't mean to, but yeah, I guess. -Matt comments, shrugging and running his free hand over the back of his neck.

-Since when? -Chris asks, pointing at the two of us.

Matt looks at me in slight despair. We needed to be cautious not to seem like he lied to Madison too.

-It's recent, we'll tell you the details later, where are we going to eat now? I'm hungry. -I say, trying to change the subject.

And it worked, everyone went back to discussing where to go out to eat and forgot the information about our recent relationship, which was more recent than they could ever know.

-Thank you. -Matt whispers in my ear and I smile in response, snuggling closer to him and enjoying the moment.

I certainly could never have imagined Matthew with anyone else, and I'm glad I realized it in time. It'd be painful to see him with another girl.

tags 💕

@riowritesitall

[wnbnny]

wish you back - h.js

w.c - 2.0k | genre - highschool!au/slice of life | pairings - jisung x gn reader | authors note - omfg i'm back from hiatus 😭 anyw req by my bby @starseungs i hope u enjoy <3 req can be found here!

life brings about many surprises, one of which comes in the form of han jisung.

life as a highschooler wasn't easy, navigating through workloads, teenage crushes, and the struggles of a growing and developing brain.

most of all, the concept of soulmates.

soulmates were a thing you would expect from a movie, a fictional world. yet, it was very much true, girls gossiping over potential soulmates in the hallways, boys proposing to their girlfriends in soccer games, happy couples strolling down the streets of the city. your life was lived in monochrome, the classic black and white. it was only when you met your supposed soulmate at the age of 18 that everything would explode, a vibrant splatter of colours that finally allowed you to see the world as it was, not just through a filter. people described it as the feeling of warmth on your skin, the thrill of it all, the reds, oranges, yellows, greens, blues, purples, pink, all the hues, like home.

but that blood red string scared you.

what was so good about soulmates? the idea of having the rest of your life laid out before you, pre-destined and fated, scared you. what if your soulmate lived halfway across the world? what if you would never meet your soulmate, destined to die a lonely death while everyone else danced under the stars with their loved one? what if you didn't like the life planned out for you? what if you had to live the rest of your life seeing only black and white, and never see the yellow of the sun or the fresh green of the grass and the vibrant red of the flowers? what if your soulmate didn't want you?

it was especially the latter of the questions that haunted you the most.

you feared, with a frightening worriedness, that your chosen one would reject you. you had heard stories of people being rejected by their chosen soulmate, only to either live out their lives in misery or take their own life. no one was ever the same after meeting their soulmate. 

to be honest, you would rather live forever in a world with only black and white than to go through that heartbreak. you would never allow yourself to fall in love, you vowed. soulmate or not, heartbreak was something you never wanted to experience.

---

"oi!" 

"what do you want for your birthday? y'know what, nevermind, it should be a surprise." jisung grinned, ruffling your hair as you scowled at him.

"don't remind me, you know how much i dread the damned day." you groaned, shoulders sagging in defeat. 

your 18th birthday. 

the day you would finally meet your soulmate. 

life had been so peaceful until now, you thought. until someone would come into the picture and fuck everything up.

just 7 days to go until the day. 7 days wouldn't be that bad, right?

wrong.

day 7. day 6. day 5. day 4. day 3. day 2. 

each day, you could feel the trepidation settling into your bones, a chill running through your spine every time you looked at the clock on the wall, until that very day.

the day was normal, well-wishes from your parents and your gift given to you, the new bag you had been yearning for, significantly improving your mood, a smile on your face as you walked to the bus, corners of your lips lifting up and eyes crinkling. your eyes zeroed in on every person as you boarded the bus, squinting in anticipation of the bright colours that were supposed to burst in your vision. luckily, the world remained black and white, not a single spot of colour. you looked down at your phone. damn. the only classes you had with jisung were in the afternoon.

throughout the day, everyone showered you with birthday wishes, gifting you beautifully wrapped presents, yet you couldn't find it in your heart to be genuinely happy, a fake smile plastered on your face as you thanked them for the wishes. it wasn't that you didn't appreciate the gifts, truly. you just dreaded the change that would come in a few hours or so. in a few hours, you would be meeting the person that you would spend the rest of your life with. 

"class dismissed!" you startled awake with a jolt, unconsciously having daydreamed throughout the class, lost in thought. as you scrambled to move onto the next class, hastily picking up your textbook, a hand stopped you. you flinched in surprise, heightened alertness instantly kicking in. a girl held out your pen to you, the world still remaining in black and white.

thank goodness.

up next was biology, your hated arch nemesis. groaning half-heartedly to yourself as you dragged yourself to your locker to dump your heavy textbooks in, a voice broke you out of your reverie.

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY-" a voice screamed, causing you to yelp in surprise, head whipping around in surprise as you finally saw the offender of your eardrums.

oh.

time seemed to stop.

red, the colour of his old beanie.

brown, the colour of his soft silky hair that you loved to thread your fingers through.

black, the colour of his old sweatpants and backpack.

yellow, the colour of his pins on his backpack.

blue, the colour of his fluffy hoodie.

purple, the colour of his keychain.

white, the colour of the blinding brightness that seemed to overtake you for a millisecond.

han jisung was your fucking soulmate.

in his hands was a badly wrapped present, wrapped in a bright yellow paper, his lips parted in shock and surprise as he started dumbfoundedly at you.

"oh."

he could only sputter, his boba eyes round and wide as the present dropped to the floor in shock.

han jisung was your soulmate. 

fuck.

"uh- so-" jisung's hand came up to scratch the back of his head, eyes wide in disbelief. 

"so uh- we're..."

"soulmates." you could only say in response.

should you be happy? you were supposed to jump in joy, after all. anyone would expect someone to be happy after bagging the person who was simultaneously your best friend and your secret crush. 

but why did it feel like you and jisung were headed on a one way train to doom?

"i- i gotta go." you stammered, turning around and dashing out the hall, breathing laboured as you heard him call after you in desperation.

no, no, no-

life was going so well. he would never want you, ever. he would never see you in that way. your friendship would be ruined. you would lose your best friend. 

life seemed to bustle around you as you ran. greens, pinks, purples, hues of every shade faded into your vision as you ran, tears finally cascading down your face, dripping onto the lush grass beneath your feet. you couldn't bring yourself to look at anything, eyes tightly shut, a stark reminder of what would change.

---

[57 missed calls]

jisungie 

hello?? y/n? i know you probably don't want to see me now... but i'll be here waiting for you, ok?  it's probably hard to accept that we're soulmates... but take your time:) seen at 12.03 a.m

jisungie

you didn't come to class today...  r u ok?? take care of yourself seen at 15.39 p.m

jisungie

its been five days already i miss you seen at 23.12 p.m

---

you threw your phone across the room, head buried in your shoulders as you muffled a sob. 

fuck him and his perfect personality.

if only he were that easy to forget, to let go. 

but he was han jisung. perfect in every way. as if you could ever dream of forgetting him and his warm touch, his wide grin, his fluffy brown hair hanging over in his eyes with a boyish innocence.

"ding!"

you groaned in annoyance, flinging the sheets back, stumbling out of bed, and quickly wiping away your tears. 

probably one of mom's online deliveries again. 

walking down the stairs, you swung open the door. 

"hi, you can leave the delivery there-"

except it wasn't even a delivery man.

it was han jisung.

"jisung-?" 

you could only stammer in response, eyes widening as you took a step back.

after all, what was one supposed to say to your soulmate that you'd been avoiding for days?

a flash of white and pink caught your eyes. your gaze drifted down to his hands, only to be met with a bouquet of pink, white, and red tulips, a beautiful arrangement wrapped in pink tulle and tied together with a elegant white ribbon.

"uhh... surprise?" jisung smiled anxiously before scratching the back of his neck awkwardly as his face turned crimson red.

too stunned to speak, you could only stand there gaping at him. after what felt like an eternity, you finally spoke.

"what are you doing here?"

"wait... lemme just- uh- compose myself. big speech, y'know?" he grinned in nervousness, fidgeting slightly, clearly a bundle of nerves.

"so..." he exhaled. "i know i'm probably the last person you want to see right now, but... i don't blame you. but however you feel about us being... soulmates, it doesn't change the fact that i don't mind being your soulmate. i was... pretty happy at first, but then you ran away, so i-"

"wait, happy? i thought you would be mad, or angry, or anything-" you cut him off, brows furrowing in confusion.

jisung gulped. "i had feelings for you." 

"what-?" your heart rate skyrocketed, a ringing in your ears, the thumping of your heart against your ribcage, all making you painfully hopeful, pleading with the gods to not break your heart and dash your hopes again.

"i- i had feelings for you. so... no matter how you want this whole soulmate thing to turn out, even if you don't feel the same, i'll be happy either way knowing you're my soulmate. if you don't want it to, this won't change anything between us, we can go back to living our normal lives-"

jisung was cut off by the feeling of soft, plush lips on his, crashing into him with a ferocity as your arms were thrown around his neck, teeth clashing with his, warm hands threading into his hair.

you didn't think you would ever get used to kissing jisung, you thought. every single touch, smile, even a tiny glance set your nerves ablaze. the feeling of his pillowy lips on yours was thrilling, his hands threaded into your hair and pulling you closer by your lower back, pressing you flush against him until there was so space between the two of you, bridging the gaps that felt like oceans forcing the two of you apart.

finally, the two of you parted with a gasping 'pop', ears red and cheeks flushed, staring at each other in childlike wonder. 

"thank you for the tulips," you smile, taking them from his hands and planting one last kiss on his cheek, "they're lovely."

jisung's ears turned bright red, stammering out a 'you're welcome' in response as you laughed at his antics. "oh, that reminds me," he smiled giddily, hand reaching into his pocket to pull out a beautiful baby pink coloured box, gently opening it. you gasped, inside was a beautiful necklace with a heart charm in the middle, simple and elegant. "i was gonna give this to you on your birthday, but... well, you ran off, so here." he smiles nervously awaiting your reaction, and is pleasantly surprised when you squeal and plant a big fat kiss on his lips. he helps you put it on, your lips finding his again as you wrap your arms around his neck and tug him closer. "it's beautiful, thank you." you smile, resting your head in the crook of his neck.

"so you'll accept me as your soulmate?" he asked, eyes wide as he worried his bottom lip between his teeth, anxiously waiting for your answer.

you nod, smiling. "i accepted you as my soulmate the moment i found out, i just... thought you wouldn't feel the same way back... so i just avoided you. in hindsight, that sounds pretty stupid," you sigh.

"aish, we could've kissed a long time ago if i had just told you i felt the same!" jisung groaned, pulling you closer as you laughed and smacked his arm in playful indignation. "at least we worked it out." smiling softly, you allowed yourself a moment of peace, tucking your head into the crook of his neck.

"out of all the people in the world, i'm stuck with you, han jisung. but you're the best person to be stuck with."

[lost-romantique]

It really isn't hard to see why people ship Stolitz...

One thing I notice a lot of Anti-Stolitz shippers do is demonize one person over the other on what happened in Full Moon. Either Blitz is the most abusive asshole that was about to physically beat the shit out of Stolas, or Stolas is some rapist that got upset his victim didn't accept his grand love confession. Both of which are extremely bad takes.

If you blindly pick a side on who was right and who was wrong, than yeah it's no wonder you can't get aboard this ship and that's your own prerogative.

When people ask me why I ship Stolitz, I'll tell you why:

Because underneath all their resentment and anger they hold for one another, they both genuinely care so deeply about the other. Their interaction in the latter half of Apology Tour says as much:

Stolas, despite, having the right to completely blow off Blitz when he approached him. Chooses to instead hide Blitz's face as a way to protect him from being seen, just so they can have a chance to talk.

Despite how horribly Blitz treated him earlier in the day, Stolas still finds comfort just being held by him. Stolas still trusts Blitz, his little knight in shining armor to protect him.

Blitz is so gentle with Stolas throughout this interaction, when Stolas gets upset and falls dramatically off his lap, Blitz freaks out. The first thing Blitz does is curse at himself for fucking up, only to immediately get Stolas up on his feet and guide him to the couch.

Blitz does the right thing and allows Stolas to dance with BTB when he looks to him for permission because: Blitz understands that he wasn't in the right mindset to reciprocate the sort of affection Stolas was seeking at that moment, and because Blitz knew that Stolas deserved to have a night of fun.

BONUS:

This scene is so poignant and so powerful in my mind, that I honestly consider it one of the most beautifully heartbreaking moments of the show.

Blitz is forced to realize that by pushing people away, by building up all these walls that surround him, he essentially created this much carnage he never meant to.

To top it all off, this episode ends with Blitz letting Stolas go, even though he desperately doesn't want to.

(Someone give Blitz a hug please, my poor precious bean.)

I love the fact that these two men are genuinely what the other needs in their life.

A big reason as to why Stolas is in love with Blitz is because Blitz was the first person that introduced him to the concept of freedom. While Stolas just seemingly accepted his fate of dedicating his entire life to being a proper Prince of the Goetia.

Blitz wasn't like that, from the very beginning, Blitz was someone that dreamed of something bigger for himself, something better, something that usually an imp like himself could never hope to achieve. Blitz is a dreamer, and Stolas admired that.

As adults, Blitz taught Stolas that he had a right to pursue his own sense of freedom, that he didn't need to live a life trapped in the woes of being a Goetia in an abusive marriage.

Blitz, unknowingly, taught Stolas that he didn't need to be an owl trapped in a cage! Blitz taught Stolas that he had a right to pursue his own dreams, his own happiness.

If it wasn't for Blitz, Stolas would still be living that miserable life of conformity.

Even now, there's so much Stolas could learn from Blitz, and Stolas recognizes that: "Maybe there's somethin' here for us to glean. For you to teach, and me to try to learn"

What Stolas can do for Blitz, is be that pillar of support Blitz desperately needs in his life. Someone that will always be by his side when his self-hatred starts to take control.

Blitz needs someone in his life that can be there to remind him that he too has a right to be happy, that he too has a right to be loved.

And there is no person better for that job than Stolas, who *still* holds so much love for this little red lizard.

Stolas can be there to teach Blitz to be better for himself, and for others.

Also, low-key...

These two are so fucking hot together, like goddamn.

[hbpseverus]

This post reminded me of Snape and the Marauders bullying:

1. Their age was not an excuse for what they did (and really it wasn't just 'ordinary' bullying either, they pulled some genuinely fucked up shit)

2. There is no real proof that James ever changed (in fact we see in canon that Sirius never did and even Remus still downplays what happened)

3. Severus NEVER got an apology from any of them. He had life long trauma and as grown adults they still couldn't even fully admit that they did anything wrong.

And now these are my personal morals that you are free to disagree with and also just kind of a rant, but while I never would defend some of the things Snape said to students as a professor because yes, he was a bully aswell, I still don't think it's as bad as what was done to him. Snape was a mean teacher, much like ones I had myself as a student. But the 'bullying' he experienced included sexual harassment and attempted murder. I just can't find it in me to forgive characters for those actions, even if they were 'only' teens, because to me those are inexcusable at any age. And yes, to me, a teen pulling those 'pranks' is worse than a grown adult making mean comments to children. I have long since gotten over all those awful teachers I had. But what happened to Snape is not something you just get over.

[sosa2imagines]

Broken Hearts. Part 3

Warnings- Fluff, Idea of hurting someone, threats, mention of sex video, possessiveness, manipulation.

Lloyd, with a glint of mischief in his eyes, suggested an idea that sent a thrill through you.

“We could attack Peggy,” he proposed, his voice carrying a blend of excitement and determination. He passionately argued his case, emphasizing the benefits of taking action against Peggy. “Think about it,” he began, his words compelling and persuasive. “She's got it coming, and it would send a strong message. We've got the resources, the skill, and the drive to make it happen.”

Lloyd's enthusiasm was contagious, and his argument fuelled the fire within you, making the idea a tantalizing possibility.

Your response to Lloyd's suggestion was a light-hearted laugh, though the temptation to follow through tickled the backlines of your mind. “No.” you firmly denied, your voice tinged with amusement. Despite the momentary flash of excitement, you knew deep down that attacking Peggy wasn't the right course of action.

As Lloyd continued to argue in favor of attacking Peggy, Andy stepped in with a firm reminder. “Hey, this is illegal,” he interjected, his voice carrying a tone of reason. “Even if we pull it off, Peggy can turn around and sue you, dragging you through a legal mess.”

Undeterred by Andy's cautionary reminder, Lloyd remained steadfast in his determination. “Because of her, my Sugar's hurt.” he asserted, his voice filled with a mixture of anger and protectiveness.

“Lloyd, please?” “Fine Sugar.”

“It is funny, how he only listens to you, but not us.” Andy jokes, making Lloyd give him a death glare.   You roll your eyes playfully, “Anyway, I have to go to meet May and her family.” You announce. “You're not going out, Sugar...” Lloyd said firmly, his protective instincts kicking in. His voice carried an edge of worry. Relax, I'll be fine. It's just May and her family, Nick is coming along too.” You gently tell him.

Your reassurance and Nick's presence seemed to soothe some of Lloyd's anxieties, and he begrudgingly acquiesced to your plans. “Fine.” he relented, a mix of frustration and protectiveness still lingering in his tone.

“Hey, thanks for coming with me.” you expressed your gratitude to Nick, a gentle smile playing on your lips. He responded with a casual shrug, his signature laid-back demeanor shining through. “No problem,” he replied, his voice carrying a hint of nonchalance. “Happy to be with you always.”

You smile and looked down, feeling bad about not being able to go out alone, without anyone being with you. Simply because Steve is not ready to leave you alone. He refused to sign the papers. You even blocked his number, but that has not stopped him. Andy did manage to get a restraining order against him, using the footage from your aunt's house. But then again, he had influences.

Nick senses the change in your mood, he puts an arm around your shoulder giving a gentle press “Hey no being sad okay? Anyway, Lloyd would have bored me to death with his dick jokes.” He rolled his eyes playfully and that made you laugh, but the fear was still there, “When will I get to be free Nick? Why can't he let me go?” 

“He is a jerk, he realized he lost the most expensive thing in his life for trash. Me, Lloyd and Andy will make sure he leaves you alone for good, so for now enjoy with us.” He pauses, a mischievous glint in his eyes “unless you are bored with us?” Nick acts, as if the last sentence made him hurt, and you acted dramatic, putting a hand on your chest “Bored with you guys? Never ever!” You laughed, shaking your head at his jest.

May and her family warmly welcomed you and Nick, their genuine smiles offering a sense of comfort. They took the time to explain the inner workings of the cafe, sharing details about how they had run the business over the years. It was clear that they had put their heart and soul into making it a successful venture.

May and Happy, went on to discuss your aunt's legacy, mentioning how she had always wanted you to inherit and continue the business. The conversation revealed their deep appreciation for your aunt's vision and the hope that her dream would continue through you. While Nick took a special interest in sales and was very impressed. You both got along fine, with them.

“I wanted to help my aunt… but because of my busy married life I couldn't help her.”

“We understand dear, you have nothing to worry about.” May holds both of your hands in hers, giving it a gentle squeeze. “We also know about your husband…” Your eyes grew wide and Nick tensed, but May was quick to escalate the tension “Small town, but we don't judge you, even your aunt hated him” she tells you.

“Yeah, guess she was right about him… I was stupid to believe Steve.” you pity laugh, but May embraces you in a tight hug. It was a nice feeling and knowing no one is judging you.

After bidding farewell, you and Nick left for home.

“They are lovely.” You beamed. “Yeah love how the sales are good” Nick winked at you before focusing his attention, back on the road, making you roll your eyes at him.

Some minutes later you get a call from an unknown number you sigh, ignoring it, but it rings agains. So Nick tells you to pick it up thinking it might be important. “Hello?” “Baby doll, where the hell are you?” Steve demanded, his tone carrying a mix of irritation and false concern. Steve's voice took on a menacing tone as you remained silent, “Don't you dare hang up!” he threatened, his words laced with a threatening edge.

“Steve, please... leave me alone.” Your tone was filled with a mix of exhaustion and exasperation. The weight of his persistent presence and possessive behavior had taken its toll, leaving you yearning for the freedom to move on.

Nick kept an eye on you, along with driving carefully.

Steve's words carried an air of arrogance as he condescendingly asserted, “You're still my wife!” The audacity in his tone was matched only by his disregard for the pain he had caused.

You struggled to maintain your composure as Steve's words echoed in your ears, the memory of his infidelity and the betrayal it represented resurfacing with each syllable. Your voice wavered with a mixture of disbelief and disappointment, “Your wife? You lost that privilege when you cheated on me, Steve!”

Steve's tone turned even more demanding as he questioned, “Is that so? You're not going to obey me?” His presumption and entitlement irritated you, and you stood your ground firmly. “No!” you responded, your voice filled with determination and defiance. You would not bow to his manipulative attempts to regain control.

“You know... when Bucky left for London... he gave me a nice gift.” His words sent a shiver down your spine, hinting at something ominous. The mention of Bucky piqued your curiosity, but the sinister undertone of Steve's words made your stomach churn with unease. Your voice stuttered as you asked, “Wh... what are you talking about?”

“Bucky was kind enough to give me a video of you and him,” he taunted. “I was thinking if Lloyd and who's the other lady... oh yes, May, she works in your aunt's cafe, right? Maybe they'll appreciate Bucky's gift.”

“You are lying!” You yell on the call, making Nick stop the car on the side. “Oh, baby doll I’m not lying.” Steve laughs, before getting serious again, “Now we a good little housewife and come back to me!” “No no no no no no, please…” Steve ends the call and with your hands trembling, you drop the phone.

Nick was quick to hold your hands “y/n what did that bastard want?” “Y/n?”

As the weight of Steve's threat settled in, your world seemed to crumble. The panic rose within you, and your breath quickened. “No, no, no, no...” you repeatedly whispered, consumed by fear and disbelief. Your body trembled, and your mind raced with anxiety.

Nick, seeing your distress, reached out, gently placing his hand on your shoulder and attempting to ground you in the chaos, as he takes your hand and puts it on his chest. “Feel my heartbeats.” He spoke softly, his voice cutting through the whirlwind of your thoughts. “Hey, hey, breathe...” Nick implored, his tone firm yet soothing. His presence alone served as a lifeline, tethering you to reality amidst the storm.

With the echoes of panic subsiding, you found solace in Nick's comforting embrace. Confessing what Steve said, you sobbed, “I swear, Nick, I don't know anything about the video. I don't know what Bucky gave Steve...I swear. I..I..” The fear, confusion, and exhaustion overwhelmed you, and Nick's protective hold served as a reassuring presence, a safe haven in the midst of chaos.

As you clung to Nick, seeking comfort in his presence, he gently soothed you, his voice filled with understanding and compassion. “Shh, I believe you, okay?” he whispered, gently rubbing your back in a soothing motion. “How about we head back home, and let me and Lloyd handle Steve? We're going to find a way to deal with this, I promise.”

Part 2 - Part 4

Taglist- @imyourbratzdoll @blackhawkfanatic @ordelixx @sapphirebarnes @ilovetaquitosmmmm

@differenttyphoonwerewolf @vicmc624 @thezombieprostitute @nekoannie-chan @emerald-writes

@redbloodedgurl @cjand10 @chemtrails-club @slutforchrisjamalevans @dexter99

@ghostlythinggoingaround @princezzjasmine @3xclusivemariii @ephemeral-oasis

@geeky-politics-46 @winterslove1917

@whore-for-chris-evans @caplanreblogsfics

[marsplastic13]

'Complicated' (part 11) - Kaz Brekker x Reader

Idea - Kaz Brekker hires a prostitute to overcome his touch aversion, and be a better man for Inej, but things take an unxepected turn.

Pairing: Kaz Brekker x Prostitute!Reader, (had to use y/n because I'm bad at names)

Genre: modern AU, slow burn

word count: 7.1k

notes: wasn't sure if updating both of my fics on the same day or not but I looked around and there was no one to stop me, so here we are

@millercontracting @coldmermaidhologram @syd649 @luffysprincess @cryptidghostgirl @beekeepingageissome

@hufflepuff-16

After she left the next morning, Kaz found himself reluctantly returning to the rhythm of his everyday life. With a heavy sigh, he powered on his phone for the first time in nearly a week. Messages from Inej awaited him, reminders of a life he was still tethered to despite the tumultuous path he had chosen. His thumb scrolled through their conversations, tracing a history of promises, affection, and the mundane details of their lives intertwined. The ache in his chest was palpable as he revisited photos she had sent, words of longing and love that now felt like shards of broken promises.

Her harsh words echoed through his mind, but time had dulled their sharpness, rendering them less important and less vivid. He questioned the clarity of his memories—had Inej truly been that mad, or had he distorted her anger through the lens of his own guilt and frustration? The more he pondered, the more the lines blurred. Was he simply grasping for an excuse to run to Y/n, to justify his actions and calm his conscience?

He remembered the night of the argument with Inej, her eyes flashing with a mix of hurt and anger. Her words had cut deep, but now, in retrospect, he wondered if he had overemphasized their severity. Did she genuinely believe the things she had hurled at him, or were they borne from a moment of vulnerability? His own response had been less than ideal, driven by a volatile cocktail of defensiveness and shame.

Scrolling through her messages, every promise he had made to Inej, every "I miss you" and "I love you", felt like they were written in sand, vulnerable to the tide of his shifting emotions. The pictures she had sent him from her travels, the little reminders that she was thinking of him—these were the threads of a relationship that he was now considering severing. He could almost feel her presence as he scrolled through their chat, each one a testament to their love, yet each one now weighed with the burden of his doubts.

His mind kept circling back to Y/n. Was she a genuine new beginning, or a convenient escape? The more he considered it, the less clear the answer became. He knew he was drawn to her, irresistibly so, but was it fair to put the blame for his actions solely on his feelings for her? 

Kaz had to admit to himself that perhaps he had been searching for an out, a way to justify moving on without fully confronting the mistakes he had made with Inej. He was caught in a web of his own making, unsure which strands were real and which were merely illusions. The more he thought about it, the more he realized that no matter how much he tried to rationalize his choices, the underlying truth was inescapable: he had betrayed Inej's trust, and there was no simple way to reconcile that with his feelings for Y/n.

He shook his head, pushing these thoughts to the side as he refocused on the task at hand: ensuring the Crow Club was still standing and that his boss didn’t fire him. He could talk to Inej another time.

But 'another time' kept getting delayed, and Kaz soon found himself immersed in a new routine with Y/n, their days blending together in a haze of new comfort and desire.

***

One particularly difficult day, after a grueling meeting that had gone poorly, Kaz found himself in his car, trying to shake off the frustration. He leaned back, loosening his tie.

He checked his phone, hoping for a distraction. ‘Do you need me to pick you up at the gym?’ he texted Y/n, she usually got out around that time.

She replied with a picture of herself in bed and the message, ‘Got my period.’

Kaz frowned, dialing her number while starting the car. "What?" she asked.

"I thought you used birth control to skip your period," he said, confused.

"Yeah, didn’t have one in years. A client asked me to—” her voice trailed off, “You know what? It’s gross. I’ll spare you the details.”

Kaz hummed in acknowledgment, relieved. "Thanks, love. Do you want to do something?"

"Cry," she replied, annoyance evident in her voice. "Are you coming here?"

"Already on my way," he said without hesitation.

***

One evening, Kaz was getting ready to head out, meticulously fixing his hair in the mirror, when two messages popped up on his phone, derailing his focus. His stomach sank as he read them.

‘Kaz, can you stop avoiding me, please? I leave in two days,’ read the message from Inej.

‘Sorry baby, something came up. I can’t make it tonight,’ from Y/n.

It felt like the planets had aligned to royally screw him over. Kaz’s heart raced with the realization that he couldn't avoid the confrontation any longer. Inej was right; they couldn't drag this situation out any more. Torn between frustration and guilt, he left Y/n on read, knowing it was petty and immature, but unable to help himself. He quickly responded to Inej, telling her he was free right then. Now or never, he thought.

Before Inej arrived, Kaz hurriedly tried to erase any signs of Y/n’s increasingly constant presence. He felt a pang of guilt as he hid a vape she had left on the coffee table and straightened up the bathroom, removing her toiletries from the sink.

Half an hour later, a knock on the door announced Inej’s arrival. She greeted him with a kiss on the cheek, her smile tentative. They sat on the couch, the atmosphere between them thick with tension and unspoken words.

“So, how have you been? Jesper told me you were in Lij last week,” Inej started cheerfully, attempting to break the ice.

Lies and more lies, Kaz thought bitterly. “Yeah, everything’s good. What about you?” he replied, forcing calm into his voice.

“Good, good,” Inej said, glancing around the room. “Look, Kaz, I’m sorry for what I said.”

“So you don’t think that?” Kaz asked, his tone sharp.

Inej sighed, reaching for his hand. “I don’t think I’ll ever be able to be intimate with someone again, and I thought our issues matched, yeah. I’m sorry if it came out harsher than I intended.”

Kaz scoffed, his anger bubbling up. “You knew I always wanted to be better. You thought I would never be able to do it.”

“I… I thought that you would overcome some things, like holding hands or kissing, but no, I never thought you would ever want to try to go further,” she admitted.

“What do you think we should do?” he asked, looking directly at her.

“What do you mean?” she seemed genuinely surprised.

“About us,” he clarified.

Inej’s eyes widened, confusion and fear crossing her face. “Are you… are you breaking up with me, Kaz?”

He sighed heavily, feeling his strength and resolve to end things leaving him. “I don’t know, Nej, you hurt me.”

“I’m sorry,” she whispered, brushing her thumb on his palm, the gesture intimate yet distant.

“What if we want different things?” he asked, the unspoken ‘What if I cheated on you?’ hanging in the air between them.

“We’ll figure it out,” she said, moving closer to him.

Kaz’s mind raced. Could they really figure it out? Was it fair to Inej to try when his heart was increasingly entangled with Y/n? He thought about the nights spent with Y/n, the way she made him feel alive and understood in ways he hadn’t felt in a long time. He thought about how Y/n made him forget his own hesitations and fears, and how he had started to rely on her presence as a balm for his troubled mind.

But he also remembered the history he shared with Inej, the bond forged in shared struggles and victories. Could he really throw that away? Was his relationship with Y/n built on a solid foundation, or was it simply an escape from his own failures and insecurities?

As Inej moved closer, he felt a pang of guilt. Here was a woman who had stood by him through thick and thin, who knew his darkest secrets and still chose to stay. 

He nodded, surrendering at her. 

Kaz woke up to an empty bed and a note from Inej, saying she had gone to the coffee shop nearby for breakfast. He stretched, feeling the stiffness in his muscles ease as he sat up. The morning light filtered through the curtains, casting a warm glow over the room. He was just starting to wake up when the door opened, and Inej walked in, balancing two cups and a bag of pastries.

“You have no idea who I just ran into,” Inej said as she entered, her voice filled with curiosity and amusement.

“Who?” Kaz asked, taking his coffee from her and hiding behind the cup.

“Y/N! Your boss's ex-girlfriend,” she clarified, as if he could have forgotten who she was.

“No way,” he responded, trying to keep his tone neutral as he sipped his coffee.

“Yeah,” Inej continued, her tone light and conversational. “She’s always been a bit weird. When I spotted her, she was asking the waiter to write something like ‘sorry for yesterday night’ on the cup.”

Kaz’s eyes widened, his heart pounding in his chest. He focused on his coffee, trying to keep his composure as Inej went on.

“Of course, I went to say hi,” she said, taking a sip of her tea. “And she looked at me like she saw a ghost. Weird, but okay.”

Kaz couldn’t focus on her words, his mind racing with the implications of what she was saying.

“So, I asked her what she was doing around here since I remember she told me she lives in another neighborhood,” Inej continued, oblivious to his inner turmoil. “She told me a guy she's seeing lives nearby! What a coincidence! I told her you live right around the corner!”

“Yeah, what a coincidence,” Kaz whispered, feeling a cold dread settle in his stomach.

“She asked if I was getting you breakfast, and I told her we had a fight but made up yesterday, and I wanted to do something nice since I leave tomorrow. And you know what she does?”

Kaz shook his head, unsure of what to expect.

“She says we’re really cute and then said she wasn’t that sorry for yesterday night, threw one of the coffees in the bin, and stormed out!” Inej laughed. “Can you believe it? Didn’t even say goodbye!”

Kaz shrugged, hiding the rising panic within him. The thought of what could have happened haunted his mind. Y/N had been coming to his house, ready to apologize for canceling the night before, and he hadn’t even let her know that Inej was there or that they had reconciled.

He silently thanked Ghezen that Y/N and Inej met at the coffee shop and not at his doorstep. He had no idea of how he could’ve justified y/n presence to Inej.

“Kaz?” Inej’s voice pulled him from his thoughts. “Are you okay?”

He forced a smile, nodding. “Yeah, just a lot on my mind.”

She gave him a concerned look but didn’t press further. Kaz knew he had to find Y/N and set things right before it was too late.

Kaz stared at his phone, the weight of his decisions pressing down on him. He sent a quick message to Y/n: ‘Everything okay?’

A few minutes later, her reply came: ‘Feeling guilty?’ Of course, she saw right through him. ‘You should :)’ she added.

He shook his head, but a third message captured his attention. It was a picture of the previous night, Y/n holding the toddler she sometimes babysitted. ‘Yesterday’s date. Jealous?’

Kaz felt a pang of jealousy mixed with something deeper. He couldn’t help but notice how good she looked with a baby in her arms. “A lot,” he replied.

Maybe she wasn’t as mad as he feared.

***

Inej left the next day with a promise to return in a month and a small kiss on his lips. Kaz sat in his car, still in the harbor parking lot, unsure of his next move. He wanted to reach out to Y/n but wasn’t sure what to say. Where were their boundaries now?

He decided to call her anyway. “Your girlfriend’s seat is still warm, love, what do you want?” she replied playfully. She was right, of course.

“What are you doing?” he asked, starting the car.

“Babysitting. I’m at the park.”

“Again?”

“The parents want the second one.”

“Oh,” he frowned.

“Yeah.”

They both sat in silence for a moment. Then, he gave in. “Send me your location. I’m coming.”

When he arrived, he found Y/n with the toddler asleep in her arms. “I was supposed to tire you out, not put you to sleep,” she protested softly.

“Even babies think you’re boring,” Kaz commented, immediately looking for her Switch in her bag.

“You didn’t sound so bored when you asked me to marry you and have your children,” she retorted with a satisfied smirk.

He glanced at her, blushing slightly. “Fair point.”

“You know that I brought the switch for her, right? Not for you.”

“She can go play around. I can't ”

y/n hummed, still trying to keep the toddler awake. “Do you want kids?” he asked, finally setting aside the game. “You look good with them.”

Y/n raised her eyebrows as much as her Botox allowed. “What now?”

“I mean, you seem good with them,” he desperately tried to correct his slip-up. “I didn’t—”

“Come on, Kaz, not the breeding kink, with all the fun things we could do,” she whined, laughing.

“I don’t have a breeding kink,” he weakly protested, still cursing himself.

“Really? Because it sure seems like it,” she teased, a playful glint in her eye. “First, you tell me you would have kids with me if that’s what I want. Then, you’re begging to do it without protection. What’s next, Kaz?”

Kaz groaned, his cheeks flushing. “I was just caught up in the moment, and you’re on birth control.”

“Sure you were,” she laughed, clearly enjoying his discomfort. “Face it, you’ve got a bit of a breeding kink. Admit it.”

He looked away, trying to hide his embarrassment. “I don’t. It’s just... I care about you.”

“Right, because caring about me totally explains why you keep bringing up babies,” she said, her tone dripping with sarcasm.

Kaz ran a hand through his hair, feeling the heat rise in his face. “Can we drop this?”

“No way, this is too much fun,” she grinned. “I mean, come on, Kaz. Just own it.”

He shook his head, still blushing furiously. “You’re impossible.”

“And you’re adorable when you’re embarrassed,” she teased, poking his side. “But seriously, it’s kind of sweet. Weird, but sweet.”

“Sweet?” he scoffed. “I’m not sweet.”

“Oh, you so are. Especially when you’re all flustered like this,” she said, leaning in closer. “But don’t worry, your secret is safe with me.”

Kaz sighed, trying to regain his composure. “You’re not going to let this go, are you?”

“Not a chance,” she grinned. “But it’s okay. I kind of like the idea of you being at least a bit twisted, sexually speaking.”

He rolled his eyes, but couldn’t help the small smile that tugged at his lips. “Why do I keep talking with you?”

“Accept your fate, love,” she concluded, shoving him playfully. “Your undeniable kinks aside, yeah, I think I’m going to have children one day. What about you?”

“I don’t know. I never gave it much thought. I thought I could never have sex, so…” his voice trailed off. “And Inej doesn’t want any.”

Y/n laughed. “I’m not asking about Inej.”

“Well, I don’t know. I don’t really like babies,” he shrugged, still refusing to acknowledge how good she looked playing with the toddler.

 Despite the distraction, Kaz couldn't shake the  guilt that settled in his chest, mingling with a confusing mix of emotions. He wanted to speak, to apologize, but he found himself at a loss for words. The silence stretched, heavy and uncomfortable.

“Are you mad about the other day?” he finally asked, breaking the silence.

“Why should I be?” she replied, her tone casual but with an edge that cut through him.

“I told you I would break up with her,” he said, his voice tinged with guilt and frustration.

Kaz watched as Y/n sighed and shook her head. “Kaz, let’s make this clear. I don’t care. She’s not my girlfriend, I don’t know her. I still watch her videos because she’s hot as hell, but we're not even friends.” She turned to look at him, her eyes piercing through his facade. “You want to go down this path of lies and sneaking out? That’s my everyday thing. You’re not my boyfriend and I don’t want you to be. So it’s your call, I’m not going to stop you.”

Kaz sighed deeply, running a hand through his hair. He felt a lump form in his throat, her words hitting harder than he expected. He thought he was prepared for her honesty, but hearing it out loud was different. He had always prided himself on being in control, but with her, things were different. She made him question everything he thought he knew about himself.

“You want to play girlfriend with me while she’s away? Let’s do it. It’s not me you’re lying to. Come on, love, how much time passed between her leaving and you calling me? Five minutes?”

He closed his eyes, the truth of her words hitting him hard. It was even less than five minutes. He had reached out to Y/n almost immediately, seeking company and distraction.

“I like spending time with you. I tried to stop you and make you reason, but I thought about it. I’m not the person that should tell you what is right and what is not. Do you want to promise me you’re going to leave her for me? Do it, you’re lying to yourself. Plus, cheating makes sex great.”

“I should feel more guilty about it,” he admitted, his voice barely above a whisper. “I don’t like how I’m treating you.”

“It’s fine, Kaz. I like the drama and, well, that’s always how it goes for me—the other woman,” she said, her tone less cheerful and more resigned.

Kaz threw his head back, the weight of her remark sinking in. It hurt. He hated when she reminded him that he was no better than the other men she’d been with. She was right, and it stung.

He looked at her, watching how easily she managed the toddler, how natural she seemed in that role. He found himself wondering what kind of future they could have together if things were different. But those thoughts were quickly overshadowed by the reality of their situation.

“Y/n,” he began, his voice thick with emotion. “You deserve better than this. Better than me.”

She turned to him, her eyes softening slightly. “I’m not looking for forever, Kaz. I don’t want ‘better’. I mean, look at you,” she laughed, a bitter edge to her tone, “how fucking messed up is your life right now? And why? Because you can’t let go of your teenage crush? Sorry,  but I don’t want to end up like you, it’s sad.”

Kaz frowned, the sting of her words hitting deep. “There’s no need to be mean now.”

“Someone has to do a reality check on you sometimes,” she shrugged, her voice unapologetic. “Also, I am mean, baby, I won’t sugarcoat this to make you feel better. I’m not your saintly girlfriend. And by the way, she’s not saintly at all. She’s really passive-aggressive. You should have seen how she looked at him the other day.”

“Come on, Y/n, calm down.”

“I am super calm, Kaz. Super chill.” She leaned in, her eyes locking onto his with a predatory gleam. “I just want to see how fast you run to my bed while she’s sleeping in yours.” She whispered the words before kissing him, her lips pressing against his with a fierceness that made his resolve crumble.

Kaz hated how he melted into her mouth. She could be as mean as she wanted if it meant she’d let him kiss her venomous lips. The taste of her was intoxicating, pulling him deeper into a web of conflicting desires and emotions.

He broke the kiss, breathless, trying to regain some semblance of control. “This isn’t right,” he murmured, though his hands betrayed him by lingering on her waist.

“No, it’s not,” she agreed, her voice softening slightly. “You’re no better than me Kaz, accept it.”

Before he could answer, two old women approached them, their faces lighting up with smiles. “Your baby is so beautiful,” they started cooing at the toddler in Y/n’s arms.

“Yeah, she’s all daddy,” Y/n said, glancing at Kaz with a mischievous twinkle in her eye.

He snorted but played along, accepting the compliments from the ladies. “Thanks, she’s a handful,” he added, a smirk tugging at his lips.

The women beamed, one of them reaching out to tickle the baby’s chubby cheek. “You must be so proud,” the other one said, looking between Kaz and Y/n.

“Oh, we are,” Y/n replied, her voice dripping with faux sincerity. “She’s the light of our lives.”

The older of the two women chuckled. “She looks just like you, young man,” she said to Kaz. “Got your eyes and everything.”

Kaz smiled, glancing at the toddler. “Yeah, she does. Got her mother’s smile, though,” he added, nodding toward Y/n.

“You make such a lovely family,” the second woman said, her eyes twinkling with warmth. “How old is she?”

“Just turned two,” Y/n answered smoothly, bouncing the toddler gently. “Keeps us on our toes.”

“Do you have any more children?” the first woman asked, her curiosity piqued.

“Not yet,” y/n replied, her voice steady. “But we’re definitely trying, right love?”

Kaz shot her a sideways glance, his eyes sparkling. “Oh, absolutely,” he said, playing along. “It’s a full-time job, but we love every minute of it.”

The two women chuckled, clearly charmed by the young “family.” “Well, you two are doing a wonderful job,” the second woman said. “It’s nice to see such a happy, young family.”

“Thank you,” Kaz said, his hand resting lightly on Y/n’s back. “We do our best.”

As the women walked away, Kaz let out a breath he hadn’t realized he was holding. Y/n turned to him, amusement dancing in her eyes. “Trying, huh?” he teased.

“Shut up, you liked it.”

Kaz shrugged, a faint blush creeping up his neck. 

Y/n turned to him, a smirk playing on her lips. “You handled that well, Daddy.”

He rolled his eyes but couldn’t help grinning. “You’re incorrigible, you know that?”

She shrugged, adjusting the toddler in her arms. “What can I say? I enjoy a good roleplay.”

Kaz shook his head, the smile lingering. Despite everything, he found himself drawn to her playful nature. It was a stark contrast to the seriousness that usually dominated his life.

“So, plans for tonight, mommy?” he smirked, unable to resist teasing her further.

Y/n’s gaze rolled over his body, a playful glint in her eyes. “Of course it turns you on,” he sighed, shaking his head.

“How many times do I have to tell you that I’m not a blushing, shy schoolgirl like you are?” she shot back, her tone light but firm.

“I think I’ll need constant reminders,” he replied, his eyes locked on hers.

"I have a date later," she said, looking away casually.

Kaz hesitated, his brow furrowing. "Are you going to sleep with him?"

Y/n sighed, a hint of resignation in her voice. "I don't know, probably. I'm not very good at saying no."

"Do you even like him?" Kaz pressed, his tone tinged with concern.

She chuckled softly, shaking her head. "Not exactly my type, but he made a reservation at a restaurant with a waiting list of months and promised me Ozempic."

Kaz's glare intensified. "Tell me you're kidding, or I swear I'll kidnap you."

"Kinky," she teased, a mischievous glint in her eyes. "Yes, I'm kidding. Relax."

He studied her carefully, trying to gauge her sincerity.

"Kaz, if you're about to tell me that you can bring me to that restaurant, I'm going to punch you," she warned, half-serious.

"Fine," he rolled his eyes, relenting.

She grinned triumphantly, enjoying the playful banter. Kaz couldn't help but smile despite himself, the tension between them easing momentarily. Their dynamic was always a mix of sharp wit and unspoken longing, a delicate balance they both struggled to maintain.

***

As Kaz sat alone in his apartment, the glow of the television casting flickering shadows around the room, he tried to distract himself with a movie. Yet, his mind kept drifting back to y/n and the evening's revelations. He absentmindedly scrolled through Instagram, the images of y/n in that opulent setting catching his attention again and again. The restaurant looked lavish.

But when he stumbled upon another person’s post—a picture in the exact same place y/n was —Kaz's jaw clenched involuntarily. Nikolai Lanstov was there. It couldn't be a coincidence. A wave of emotions surged through him—jealousy, suspicion, and an urgent need for answers.

He didn't hesitate. With a quick and terse message, he asked her outright, ‘Are you with Lanstov?’

The response came swiftly, almost too swiftly: ‘Yeah, you know him?’

Kaz gritted his teeth. He did know Nikolai, all too well. ‘Yes.’

Instead of evading or denying, y/n surprised him with a selfie of them together, an invitation laced with challenge: ‘Join us for drinks?’

Kaz felt a surge of possessiveness rise within him. He couldn't stand the thought of y/n spending time with Nikolai, of him wooing her with his charm and wealth. He knew he couldn't hide the turmoil inside him, nor did he want to. This wasn't about appearances or pride—it was about a visceral need to ensure y/n remained out of Nikolai's reach. He didn't care about appearing jealous or possessive. ‘On my way.’

Arriving at the upscale venue, Kaz was greeted by Nikolai's knowing grin. Their exchange was polite yet loaded with unspoken rivalry. "Dirtyhands," Nikolai acknowledged.

"Sturmhond," Kaz replied evenly, the old nicknames from their days of competition resurfacing effortlessly.

"Brekker."

"Lantsov."

Throughout their conversation, y/n watched them with an amused expression, her eyes darting between them like she was enjoying a tennis match. Kaz couldn't help but notice how she seemed to revel in their banter, as if she was testing their limits.

Nikolai, ever the provocateur, raised a playful eyebrow. “How's Inej?”

Kaz's response was swift, deflecting with practiced ease: “How's Zoya?”

They stared at each other with narrowed eyes.

Then y/n interjected, her tone teasing and her smile mischievous. "Oh, please go on," she urged, her tongue playing with the straw in her drink. "So you really know each other?"

Nikolai leaned back with a knowing smirk. “Of course. Me and Brekker go way back. The real question is, how do you two know each other?”

Y/n turned to Kaz, her gaze expectant. Kaz met her eyes confidently, a crooked smile playing on his lips. “She's my personal trainer,” he replied smoothly. 

"I’m sure she is," laughed Nikolai, ordering another round with a movement of his hand.

Y/n's eyes kept darting between the two, with a dangerous smile on her lips.

"You know, I would really love to see Paris tonight," she said, getting up. "I'll go fix my makeup. I'll leave you to it." She briefly touched Kaz's shoulder before moving away.

Nikolai leaned back, "Fuck," he muttered, snorting.

"What?" asked Kaz, completely lost.

"Seriously, Brekker?" He asked, but Kaz frowned more, "She just asked for a threesome."

Kaz's jaw clenched at Nikolai's remark, his eyebrows knitting together in disbelief. He couldn't believe what he had just heard, and the implication sent a rush of discomfort through him. His mind raced, grappling with how to respond without letting his unease show too clearly.

"That's… not going to happen." Kaz said, his voice a mixture of incredulity and unease. He leaned slightly forward, his eyes narrowing as he searched Nikolai's face for any hint of jest or deception.

Nikolai leaned back, a smirk playing on his lips as he appraised Kaz's reaction, "I'm sure she'll be disappointed," he teased lightly, as if testing Kaz's reaction further.

Kaz leaned back, shaking his head.

"So you're sleeping with her?" Nikolai asked, his tone laced with curiosity and a hint of amusement.

Kaz hesitated, weighing his words carefully. "Something had happened," he admitted vaguely, unwilling to delve into the specifics of his complicated relationship with y/n.

Nikolai raised an eyebrow, a knowing smile playing on his lips. "That's why you ran here? Scared of the competition?" he teased lightly, his voice carrying a playful edge.

"Of you? You wish," Kaz retorted dryly, a touch of defensiveness in his tone. He glanced around the upscale establishment, suddenly feeling acutely aware of the dynamics at play. Nikolai was charismatic and charming, qualities that had undoubtedly attracted y/n's attention.

Nikolai chuckled softly, taking another sip of his drink. "Come now, Brekker," he said with a smirk, leaning back in his chair. "I know how these things go."

Kaz's jaw tightened imperceptibly, his gaze narrowing slightly as he considered Nikolai's words. He knew the game all too well—the subtle dance of attraction, jealousy, and power. 

"She's not a game to me," Kaz stated firmly, his voice cutting through the ambient noise of the restaurant. His eyes locked onto Nikolai's, conveying a rare sincerity and vulnerability.

Nikolai's expression softened, his playful demeanor giving way to a more serious acknowledgment. "Are you sure you’re not a game to her?” he asked, his tone carrying a mix of curiosity and genuine concern.

Kaz felt a pang of discomfort at the question, realizing Nikolai's astuteness in probing the complexities of his relationship with y/n. He hesitated, unsure how to respond to the implication that he might be just another piece in y/n's intricate puzzle.

Nikolai leaned back in his chair, a knowing smile lingering on his lips. "You know, I didn’t make you the cheating type, Brekker," he remarked casually, his eyes glinting with amusement.

Kaz bristled slightly at the comment, his jaw tightening as he mulled over Nikolai's words. "You're literally here with another woman, how many dates did you have?" he retorted, his voice edged with a mixture of defensiveness and skepticism.

"This is the third," Nikolai replied nonchalantly, as if keeping track of such details was inconsequential to him.

Before their banter could continue further, y/n returned to their table, her presence instantly commanding attention. She locked eyes with Nikolai, a playful smirk dancing on her lips.

"He said no, right?" she asked, gesturing towards Kaz with a teasing glint in her eyes.

Nikolai chuckled, amused by the interaction. "Yeah, I’m sorry, sweetheart. Looks like we’ll have to do without him," he said with mock disappointment, kissing her hand gallantly.

Y/n giggled at Nikolai's theatrics, her eyes flickering between him and Kaz. Her gaze held a hint of mischief, as if she were enjoying the dynamic between the two men.

Kaz watched the exchange with a mix of bemusement and mild irritation, feeling like a pawn in their playful game. 

The night brought more drinks and more playful tension, and the moment of heading home arrived.

“I’m getting you home,” said Kaz firmly.

Y/n looked at him with an intoxicated smile. “Are you jealous?” she whispered in his ear. Kaz glanced at Nikolai, who had moved away to greet someone else.

“Admit it and I’m yours for the night,” she added, her breath warm against his skin.

“Yes, I’m jealous,” he admitted, his voice low and sincere.

“Good boy,” she whispered, satisfied. Y/n got up to say goodbye to Nikolai, who turned to glance at Kaz.

“Next one is mine, Brekker,” Nikolai said with a smirk.

Kaz shook his head, sliding an arm around on her back and guiding her to his car. The possessive gesture felt right, and he relished the way her body fit against his side.

“Are you taking me to your house?” she asked, her voice laced with anticipation, recognizing the streets they were making.

“Yes,” he replied, clutching the steering wheel with one hand and resting the other firmly on her thigh.

“You could have told me sooner,” she said, leaning into the contact. “You’re hot while you drive.”

“You think so?” he asked, a hint of curiosity in his voice.

“Yeah, a lot,” she confirmed.

“Do you like my hair?” he asked impulsively. “I have a friend who always says it’s awful.”

Y/N’s eyes sparkled with amusement as she looked at him, her lips curling into a playful smile. “I like it,” she said without hesitation. “Especially when it’s completely disheveled and falls on your forehead. You look so hot after a shower that I just want to fuck you senseless and then cuddle you so much and so sweetly until you start crying and talking about how much you miss your mother.”

Kaz felt his face heat up, his usual composed demeanor faltering. The vividness of her words left him momentarily speechless. He watched as Y/N leaned over, her hand reaching out to mess his hair playfully, her touch light and affectionate.

“That’s… awfully detailed, please don’t do it,” he managed to say, his voice a mix of embarrassment and amusement. The image she painted was both flattering and unsettling.

Y/N laughed, a soft, melodic sound that eased the tension. “Too much?” she teased, her eyes meeting his with a warmth that reassured him.

Kaz nodded, a small smile tugging at his lips. “Just a bit,” he replied, feeling a strange comfort in her playful honesty.

Y/n hummed, a pleased sound, and put on some music. The low hum of the car and the rhythmic beats of the music created an intimate atmosphere. She closed her eyes, feeling the warmth of his hand on her thigh and the steady vibration of the car beneath them.

Kaz’s mind was a whirlwind of thoughts. He was used to control, to always having the upper hand, but Y/n had a way of disarming him. Her boldness, her carefree attitude, and the way she seemed to understand his darker edges left him feeling both exposed and exhilarated. As they drove through the quiet streets, he found himself stealing glances at her, marveling at how easily she fit into his life, even if it was in this chaotic, unconventional way.

As they pulled up to his place, Y/n’s fingers danced over his arm, tracing invisible patterns. “You know, I like jealous-Kaz,” she murmured, her lips curving into a seductive smile.

“Don’t get used to it,” he warned, though his tone lacked its usual edge.

“Too late,” she said, leaning in to press a kiss to his jaw. “Way too late.”

They got out of the car, and he led her inside, his hand still firmly on her waist. The night was far from over.

They fell asleep tangled, sweaty, and sticky, a situation Kaz never thought he could find himself in. The sheets were a mess, wrapped around their legs and clinging to their damp skin. His breathing was heavy, matching hers, as they lay there in his bedroom. Y/n's head rested on his chest, her hair a wild tangle across his skin.

The thought of sharing his bed, of falling asleep so intimately entwined with another person, had always seemed foreign, even impossible. Yet here he was, his arm draped protectively around her, his fingers lazily tracing patterns on her back.

***

Kaz was awakened by the door opening and closing, followed by Jesper's voice. 

“What are you doing here?” he heard him ask Y/n.

“Breakfast, what are you doing here?” she retorted.

“Inej just left and I wanted to check on Kaz, but I guess he already found someone else to entertain himself with,” commented Jesper dryly.

Kaz sighed, knowing he wasn't ready to deal with them.

Y/n remained unfazed, “Should I add a plate for you?”

“I thought you were vegan.”

“I am,” she replied calmly.

“So you're cooking just for him?” Jesper's tone held a note of incredulity.

“Do you have a problem with it? I like cooking.”

“I’m just surprised, that’s all. Kaz isn’t exactly the breakfast-in-bed type.”

Kaz could imagine Y/n smirking. “Maybe you just don’t know him as well as you think.”

Kaz dragged himself out of bed, still rubbing his eyes, and entered the kitchen. “Morning,” he said, reaching Y/n and kissing her temple. He knew that his back, covered in scratches, was on full display, so there was no point in hiding it anymore.

“Unbelievable,” muttered Jesper under his breath. “How can you be so calm about admitting to cheating on your girlfriend? I shouldn't be seeing any of this.”

“Then stop entering my house uninvited,” replied Kaz, annoyed, while Y/n placed two plates in front of them. “Thanks, love.”

Jesper was too distracted by breakfast to notice the affectionate name, luckily.

Y/n started taking her pills, and Jesper looked at her puzzled. “Don't ask,” said Kaz, poking her side and making her pill fall.

“Kaz! That was my birth control, you idiot!” she protested, and he paled visibly. “Yeah, you better get down and look for it.”

Quickly, Kaz got on the floor, and Jesper almost choked on his bite.

“You have about an hour, baby, look faster,” she said, a bit amused.

“Seriously, Kaz? Not even protection? I mean,” Jesper turned to Y/n, “you should be an expert on this.”

“I am, but you should hear how he begs,” she said, eyeing Kaz with a playful smirk.

“Y/n, oversharing,” reminded Kaz from the floor, slightly panicking.

Jesper shook his head, barely able to suppress his laughter. “This is a new low, even for you, Kaz.”

“Just... help me look for the damn pill,” Kaz grumbled, his face burning with embarrassment.

Y/n leaned against the counter, watching them with amusement. “I guess this is a bonding moment for you two,” she teased.

“Hardly,” Kaz muttered, finally spotting the pill under the table and reaching for it. He stood up, holding it triumphantly. “Got it.”

Y/n took it from him and swallowed it quickly. “Thank you,” she said, patting his cheek.

Kaz rolled his eyes, sitting back down at the table. “Let's just eat.”

Jesper was really conflicted about all the unraveling of events, more than anything about the revelation that the two were actually sleeping together and were really chill about it. 

Y/n left, leaving the two friends alone. Jesper hit Kaz hard in the arm. “Why didn’t you tell me that you were sleeping with her?”

Kaz massaged his arm, feeling the sting of the unexpected blow. “Because I have a girlfriend, theoretically?”

“In fact, as Inej’s friend, I’m absolutely furious with you, but as your friend, it was fucking time, man! You have to tell me everything.”

Kaz chuckled nervously, his mind racing. Inej. The thought of her brought a pang of guilt. “I really do not have to tell you anything,” he said, trying to keep his tone light but failing to mask his discomfort.

“Come on, I need details,” Jesper pressed, leaning forward with eager anticipation.

Kaz sighed, running a hand through his disheveled hair. “What do you want to know?”

“Everything? How did it happen? Was it awkward? Did you—”

“Jesper!” Kaz interrupted, feeling the heat rise in his face. “Do you really need to know all the details?”

Jesper smirked. “Of course I do. You know this is a big deal, right? Your first time isn’t something to gloss over.”

Kaz sighed, resigning himself to the conversation. “Fine. It was... intense. She made me feel comfortable, and it just happened naturally. When our arrangement was still standing, things were heating up really fast, so it just felt right.”

Jesper leaned in closer, his eyes gleaming with curiosity. “How do I have to spell it? Details!”

Kaz rolled his eyes, feeling the heat rise in his face again. “I’m not giving you details! I’m just going to say that I understand why she made a career out of it.”

Jesper's eyes widened even more. “Wow, she must be really good, huh?”

Kaz rubbed the back of his neck, feeling awkward. “Yes, Jesper, she’s very... talented. Can we move on now?”

“Talented?” Jesper teased, nudging Kaz with his elbow. “Come on, you’ve got to give me something. How did it start? When did things change?”

Kaz sighed again, trying to find the right words. “The night I went to her house, telling her that I wanted her. She stopped me and told me to go back to Inej but said that if I ever came back to her like that in the middle of the night, she wouldn't stop me anymore. And after my fight with Inej, I went straight to her, and well, she didn’t.”

Jesper whistled low. “Damn, Kaz. That’s... intense. So you just went for it?”

Kaz nodded, remembering the raw emotion of that night. “Yeah, I did. It felt like everything I’d been holding back just came out all at once.”

Jesper leaned back, still processing everything. “And how do you feel about it now? About her?”

Kaz looked down, contemplating his feelings. “It’s complicated, Jesper. I care about Inej, but Y/n... she’s different. She makes me feel things I didn’t know I could feel. But she doesn’t want a serious thing, and I can’t manage to man up enough to break up with Inej.”

Jesper raised an eyebrow, surprised at Kaz’s vulnerability. “So you’re stuck in the middle, huh? That’s rough.”

“Yeah,” Kaz admitted, frustration creeping into his voice. “Inej deserves better than this, but I can’t let go of Y/n. She’s like a drug I can’t quit.”

Jesper nodded thoughtfully. “Have you talked to Y/n about what you want?”

Kaz shook his head. “She’s made it clear she’s not interested in anything serious. And honestly, I don’t know if I am either. It’s just... easier this way, even if it’s wrong.”

Jesper sighed, rubbing his temples. “Kaz, you’ve got to figure this out. You can’t keep stringing both of them along. It’s not fair to anyone, especially you.”

“I know,” Kaz said quietly. “But every time I try to make a decision, I freeze. It’s like I’m paralyzed.”

Jesper leaned forward, looking his friend in the eye. “You just need to decide what you really want and go for it.”

Kaz gave a small smile. “Easier said than done.”

[perkypeony]

I'm feeling angsty but I don't wanna cry alone. So I'll make the whole fandom cry 😈

𝕋ℍ𝔼 𝕊𝕋ℝ𝕆ℕ𝔾𝔼𝕊𝕋'𝕊 𝕆ℙℙ𝕆𝕊𝕀𝕋𝔼

Gojo Satoru x little sister reader

The estate of the Gojo clan always seemed more like a prison to you. You were the prisoner, the tortured disgrace, a cruel joke of fate that was never meant to see the light of day.

Your parents ensured your existence was kept a secret, telling the world that you had died shortly after birth due to a severe health condition. In reality, you were very much alive, though barely, and kept breathing by your cursed energy. The doctors called it a miracle. Your parents saw it as a curse.

You were the opposite of your perfect older brother, Satoru. You didn't inherit any Gojo clan cursed techniques. And worse, you could produce cursed spirits whenever you felt bad emotions just like the non-sorcerers.

From a young age, you were confined to the estate, hidden from visitors and locked away in the basement whenever you couldn’t control your emotions. The basement was a place of darkness and fear, where cursed spirits born of your anguish tormented you until you passed out from exhaustion or terror.

The only light in your life was Satoru. Unaware of your suffering, he believes that you led a normal childhood despite your health condition. Every time he came back from Tokyo Jujutsu High, you felt genuine happiness, a rare and fleeting emotion.

"Satoru! You're back!" You would exclaim, the pain momentarily forgotten. He would spend his time with you, read you a book or listen to your rambling. One time he brought you out to get ice cream, that was the best day of your life. You sure get scolded after that but it definitely worth it. His presence was a reminder that maybe, just maybe, you were worth something.

But one day, Satoru came home unexpectedly after a mission, and the facade crumbled. Your father was dragging you towards the basement, your screams echoing through the halls.

"Please, don't! Not again!" you pleaded, your voice breaking with desperation.

He followed the sounds and found you struggling against your father's grip. "What are you doing to them?" he questioned, his voice cold and dangerous.

Your father froze, unable to meet his son's gaze. Satoru didn't wait for an explanation. He took you by the hand, and for the first time, you felt safe.

Satoru brought you to his house, determined to give you a chance at real life. You met Megumi first, who became your first friend. After that, you got to become a student at Tokyo Jujutsu High where Satoru's a teacher there. Slowly, you got to know Nobara and Yuji, and for a while, you experienced normal life.

But happiness was a fragile thing. The higher-ups soon learned of your existence and demanded to see you. If Satoru was there he would come with you, but unfortunately he was away on a mission.

"You are a disgrace to the sorcerer society," one of them sneered, and the dam of your emotions broke. A powerful cursed spirit finally erupted from you.

They ordered for you to be locked in a room where your cursed energy would be restrained. Without it, you began to weaken rapidly. The cursed energy that had kept you alive was now being siphoned away, leaving you on the brink of death.

You woke in the infirmary, your body frail and exhausted. Satoru sat beside you, his usual blindfold hiding his teary blue eyes, but his voice gave away his sorrow. "I'm here, " his voice cracking. "I'm sorry I wasn't there with you. "

You reached out and grasped his hand. "Satoru, I'm so tired," you whispered, your voice barely audible. "I've spent my whole life fighting just to exist. I think it's better if I just die."

His hand tightened around yours, his voice trembling. "Don't say that. Please, don't give up."

You gave him a sad smile. "Thanks for all the happiness you've given me, even if it just for a while. But, it's time for me to rest. Don't worry, I'll die without regret. I'm happy to get to know you better. "

Megumi, Nobara, and Yuji gathered around your bed, their faces etched with sorrow. Each goodbye was a dagger to your heart, but you managed to smile through the tears.

"Thank you," you said, your voice weak. "For being my friends. For giving me a taste of what life could be."

They left one by one, and finally, it was just you and Satoru. He held you close, his tears falling freely.

"I love you," he whispered. "I'm sorry I couldn't protect you better."

"You did your best," you murmured. "And that's all that matters."

With a final, shuddering breath, you let go. The darkness enveloped you, but this time, it was a gentle embrace. You felt no fear, no pain. Only peace.

[codenamesazanka]

for the longest time i just assumed that Spinner did not care/was dismissive about Shigaraki until after the 'destroy everything' speech; and vice versa. We had no reason to think otherwise: Spinner disregarded Shigaraki's kill list; he was skeptical of the Overhaul highway ambush in Chapter 160; and everyone was waiting for a clash because Spinner wouldn't shut up about Stain while Shigaraki held a kid hostage just so he had someone to complain to about how he hated Stain. There was no indication of anything beyond probable mutual annoyance between them. the most likely prediction was not without reason: 'wonder when Shigaraki will dust Spinner'.

chapter 220 was the start of the turning point, and 222 being it. And even 220 start off with Spinner straight up grabbing Shigaraki by the collar and yelling at him for basically not being a good leader. only after that, after the speech, did it seemed like Spinner pay attention. after that, Spinner revised his consideration. He came to empathize with Shigaraki. Shigaraki was proving himself, and Spinner was watching. Shigaraki was called an angry loser and Spinner felt for him. Only then, I thought, did Spinner lower his walls to discuss games. Only then, did they bonded.

And all this was nearly solely on Spinner's side. What did Shigaraki think? No idea. the same regard he held for all other team members. Perhaps mild obligation to respond to Spinner's loyalty, perhaps not.

But Chapter 371 gave us League of Legends, and Chapter 373 gave us the flashback of them chatting, and Chapter 393 showed us Spinner peeking over Shigaraki's shoulder as he played a game, and these were all clearly situated in a time before the events of 220-222. They were already getting along okay. "We bonded over games and stuff" was already happening.

It reframed things: the CRC slaughter, perhaps having affected Spinner more than he let on in the narration. Before, he was fine chilling with Shigaraki, joining the League in conversations about Villain names, being part of the relaxed atmosphere. Morning after CRC, he's withdrawn into himself - arms crossed, staring Shigaraki down, watching the relaxed atmosphere with displeasure, frustration obvious.

Spinner was triggered. He was reminded of why he sought out the League in the first place. And him yelling at Shigaraki can be seen as less dismissal and challenge of an unworthy boss, and more disappointment and hurt of a friend.

If they were already friends - or getting there - by then, then Shigaraki's speech takes on slightly new framing as well. It's not just a boss proving himself; it's a friend trying to repair a strain. It's not him trying to convince a skeptical follower to continue following him, it's him having listened to what Spinner was saying and taking time to reflect on it, address it. It's Shigaraki sharing his own pain, right after Spinner shared his.

It wasn't just, I have no sense of self and I need a leader to follow and Here's a purpose, then, if you want it.

It was: The world emptied me out. It suffocated me. We killed the worst offenders of my suffering but it's not enough. I've been hurt by more than that. I remember now, just how bad it was. i've been hurt my whole life.

And Shigaraki decided, Then let's destroy everything, and that is his kindness, twisted as it is, it is absolutely genuine.

for all that Spinner was enthralled by Shigaraki promise of destruction, captivated by the horizon, it's Shigaraki who brought it up first. Spinner wanted the world to change; so Shigaraki offered destruction. Shigaraki dreamed up the beautiful horizon; and Spinner decided he would shoulder that burden. Shigaraki's dream became Spinner's dream, becoming Shigaraki's promise of their dream.

[hackedmotionsensors]

I went to library con (lol its not called library con but thats what i called it. Its American Library Association Annual which is funny bc they call it ALA and I was like...that shitty anime con???) this week in san diego to promote the comic I worked with Terry on "Eat your Heart Out"

I got jumpscared seeing the big banner. My art has never been on anything bigger than art center presentations lmao

We handed out signed copies and it was honestly pretty fun. I have a ton of bookmarks as well if anyone wants one.....if you can find me in real life LMAO

I also got to be on a PANEL like a big professional lmao And met Josie Campbell an animation brethren and we were like "LETS GO TAG! LETS GET THOSE NEGOTIATIONS!!!!" (Reminder that The Animation Guild is due to negotiate with studios in August so please support us!!!)

Downside was is that some of my sunburns are still really fresh (most of them are in gross peeling stage and some are...kinda painful) so I was a bit sweaty and uncomfortable...and now I'm paying for it bc i feel really under the weather.

BUT. lol my issues aside (it was my own damned fault getting burned the weekend before)

It was really fun!

Librarians are really cool lol Especially since I tried to get into that field during my unemployment last year and a half it was interesting hearing what they had to deal with as Librarians for children or teens (The teen librarians kept talking to me about Slam Dunk and One Piece *u*)

There's also this huge emphasis for book sellers in getting your books IN libraries. Books in actual physical libraries does so much for the value of payments of the book (which in turn pays the authors and artists that work on those books).

And how much librarians and libraries do for the industry as a WHOLE. I learned that back in the day when english manga was coming out they were binding the books REALLY SHITTY and its funny bc I DO remember that. The quality was really bad. And because librarians complained about it, because a book circulates through a lot of people rather than if you buy a volume for yourself, the book will get damaged really fast if the book is made poorly. So Viz had to change HOW they bound their books and you can definitely tell now how the quality is so much nicer.

Anyway it was really cool lol And also since it took place at the San Diego Convention center it was really cool to see what SDCC looks like when its not an absolute cluster fuck of people and noise lol I saw where I slept on the ground outside to get into Hall H and we were treated to a dinner at Roys which I'd only ever seen in passing lol (ALSO ROYS WAS SO EXPENSIVE!?!? And I thought the onigiri was like...the salmon went INTO the onigiri....so that was the dish. but it was...a ball of rice onigiri shaped with some salmon ...and it was REALLY good salmon and the misoyaki was good too but.....i was expecting really expensive onigiri and was oddly disappointed it wasn't....that.......anyway)

ANYWAY ANYWAY lmao. Our comic comes out in August 13! I've finally seen the finished product and it came out so well. Yknow that thing where you see your art from a few years ago and you want to crawl into a hole and die? Well lol I still feel that but also I don't because it honestly looks so good and its nice seeing it all in one whole place! The coloring came out really nice ! And I can't wait to see what Claudia did in the second half of the book

Oh yeah I also got a comped train ticket to get me down there and I got to ride the Amtrak which was pretty cool! I ...was EXHAUSTED on both trips down and back so I slept most of the way lmao But look at this guy!

Lol ALTHO I was genuinely surprised that when we came back from san diego the train just goes in reverse.

On shinkansen the seats on the train are able to turn around so you're always facing forwards. So it was a little disorienting at first. I also wished I had an ekiben on the way down.

Its cool I can get an ekiben in august when i go to japan lmao

[welcome-back-to-hoimycraf]

happy @mcyt-summer-of-yuri, kai!! this is my treat for @fragayzeichen, I really hope you enjoy ^^

oops wait forgot credits

thank you to @anonymousacres, @thesillyloverezra, and @garlicbreadcrust for ideas and betaing services!

“You need a what now?”

“A moonstone!” Gem supplies, removing her gaze from her notes and to Pearl’s face instead. The woman’s expression was mildly confused, yet willing to help all the same. Gem had always admired that aspect of the other ruler. Despite whatever qualms she had, she was always happy to help a friend in their endeavors.

The wizard grinned apprehensively as she stashed her notebook away in her bag, still rather uneasy with her decisions- but that could be sorted at a later date. Right now, she needed to explain herself. “It’s for a potion I’m making. Moonstones only form here in Gilded Helianthia, so I was wondering if you could help me find some?”

Pearl hummed to herself for a second, tapping a finger against her crossed arms in thought. “I’m sure I could ask a jeweler for some info on them!” 

Gem nodded a bit too eagerly. “Yes, that sounds perfect! Thank you so much, Pearl.” Before she could stop herself, she’d already reached out to take her friend's hands in her own.

Luckily, she was saved from embarrassment when Pearl squeezed them gently. "'Course, mate! Anything for you."

The genuine, caring smile Pearl broke out in made Gem's stomach twist and her chest tighten. Oh, why did she have to be in love with her best friend?

At least, with Pearl's help, she'd finally be able to act on those feelings.

The notebook in her satchel, containing every detail of how to make herself absolutely perfect for Pearl, practically burned a hole through the cloth of her dress with the guilt it made her feel. She felt bad, manipulating Pearl into helping her without telling her the full truth- but Gem supposed she wasn't lying, which gave some comfort.

“Well, don’t just stand there, silly! We better get goin’ while it’s still daylight!” And with that, Gem was promptly dragged away. 

Squawks of surprise and giggles filled the manor’s rooms as they headed for the main entrance. The wizard knew her way around, as she’d been here countless times throughout her life, yet Pearl led her to the door, anyway. Their hands were still intertwined, Gem realized. She tried to hide the redness sprouting across her face that came with the knowledge. 

Pearl’s hurried pace slowed once they reached the outside, transforming into something more akin to a casual stroll. With the more relaxed stride, Gem was able to take in the scenery a bit more. 

She may be biased, but Gem thought of Gilded Helianthia as one of the most beautiful, detailed empires on the continent. Something about it was so peaceful, so cozy. It felt like home. 

Wheat fields sprawled out across the flat ground of the kingdom, hidden by the shopping street they’d moved to once away from the modest mansion. It was more of a large farmhouse, really, which struck a familiar cord in Gem’s heart. It reminded her of her own small home in the Cliffs. While other emperors prided themselves on their grand, sprawling castles, her and Pearl were of the same mind- preferring their quaint cottages.

Anyway- she was getting ahead of herself. 

The combination of their laid-back gait and the gentle swinging of their hands, clasped together between them, gave off such an air of… domesticity, it almost made Gem sick. She had to stamp these feelings down. They did her no good as she was now. But maybe, just maybe, after this, she’d finally have a chance…

She was quite lost in her own head, which led to her not noticing the rake that had fallen in their path. 

It must have fallen from where it had rested against a shopfront. That made sense- they were in the main area of town. She should have been more careful! Gem could hear Pearl’s sharp gasp as her grasp was ripped from the other woman’s. The wizard shot her hands out to try and catch herself, which she realized backfired when the searing heat and pain that comes with skinning your palms bubbled up. 

All that to say, she landed face-first on the sidewalk. 

The same sensation shot up her cheek as it collided with the rough stone. Gem coughed and spluttered, struggling to get air in through her shock. Distantly, she could hear Pearl asking something. She tried to open her mouth to respond, but all that came out was a questioning, pitiful whine. Pathetic.

“Are you ok?” Pearl’s pinched expression flooded her vision, and Gem soon realized she was crouching over her. A gentle hand, which she realized belonged to her friend, cupped her wounded cheek. Gem gasped sharply, and the hand retreated. “Sorry, sorry,” the ruler apologized, wiping some of Gem’s blood discreetly on her dress- not discreet enough, though, “didn’t realize you’d got your face, too. Need some help?”

Gem shook her head weakly, trying her best to smile through her pain- her embarrassment. “Yeah, I-I’m good! I’m fine!” She let out a strained chuckle as she picked herself up from the brick, waving off Pearl’s silent offer of help. “I’ll fix it, I’ll fix it.”

With the blink of an eye, a little magic, and a slightly heavier weight on her eyelids, Gem’s wounds were closed. Even the rip she’d felt in the leggings below her dress had been mended. She’d never been more thankful to be a wizard. “See? Fixed!”

She ignored the worried glint in Pearl’s eyes, continuing down the sidewalk before she could say whatever she’d been thinking. 

If she were perfect, she wouldn’t be so clumsy. Wouldn’t see the hurt on Pearl’s face…

The jeweler wasn’t far. It didn’t take long for them to enter the shop, greeted by the cheerful man behind the counter. The store was filled to the brim with precious stones and minerals- gold, silver, rubies, diamonds- you name it, it was here. The owner, as he introduced himself, was happy to help esteemed guests such as themselves (his words, not Gem’s). He even seemed proud of the moonstones he brought out when told what they were after, excitedly telling them when and where they were harvested. 

Thankfully, Gem only needed one for her potion. It cost a pretty penny- one Pearl insisted on paying herself, despite Gem’s protests. 

“It’s hospitality, Gem,” the lady laughed easily. Butterflies churned in the wizard’s stomach. “You’re my guest for the day, so I should pay for you, ‘kay?”

Gem could only nod and hide the growing flush she blamed on the warm, humid evening air. 

“Now that we’re out here,” Pearl interrupted the silence, glancing around at the nearly empty streets surrounding them, “may I ask what this is for?” She held up the box containing the precious ingredient, offering it to the other. 

Gem took it in her hands, fiddling with the magnetic latch. She bit her lip- a nervous habit. What does she say to that? ‘Yeah, I’m going to make a potion that’ll change me forever so you can fall in love with me!’ …That didn’t seem like the right course of action. 

“It’s to help me sleep,” the wizard blurted out before she could stop herself. “I’ve been having trouble falling asleep at night! Moonstone- moon- night- makes sense, y’know?” She giggled a bit too high, ignoring Pearl’s raised eyebrow. 

Thankfully, her awful lie seemed to convince her. “Hope you can get that worked out, mate,” she smiled, pulling her friend into a short hug. Though it was brief, the contact left Gem breathless. “You take care of yourself, alright?”

Gem pulled back slightly too fast, nodding quickly. “Mhm! Uh- got to go, bye!” 

Pearl watched her pull out her elytra and a rocket, getting a running start to soar off into the sky. She followed Gem’s path out, sighing when she left her sight. What was she up to?

—----

Gem stood above the bubbling liquid, taking a deep breath. The moonstone trembled in her hand, hovering over the open flask. The last ingredient.

A deep guilt settled in her stomach, twisting and turning what little she’d had for dinner when she’d gotten home. She felt awful about this. She felt awful about lying, about manipulating her best friend into doing something for her own gain, without her knowledge. 

No, the potion didn’t make Pearl fall in love with her, she wasn’t a creep, but it would make her the perfect person for Pearl. The person Pearl dreamed of when she lay awake at night. The person she wanted to kiss, to cherish, to marry someday. 

Gods, she hoped this worked. 

The stone clinked to the bottom, and she watched as the liquid boiled and reacted to the new addition. It fizzed up to the surface, turning the liquid a bright gold. 

The representative of Pearl. Just like the moonstone. 

Well, here goes nothing.

She barely hesitated before downing it in one fell swoop. The potion was oddly earthy, with hints of grain and yeast across her tongue. It reminded her of the woman of her dreams. 

The wizard set the glass back down onto her desk, wiping her mouth as she breathed heavily. She’d done it. She’d done it- and now all she had to do was wait for the changes.

Wait.

Wait…

Gem was... confused when she felt no immediate changes. She was still the same height, same weight, same hair color, same everything. And, when she checked the mirror, her distinct Adam's apple still bobbed when she swallowed. Even the gap between her front teeth hadn't budged. Had the potion even worked?

No, she was sure she'd done it right. She'd followed every instruction down to the tee, double and triple checking each step.

Why hadn't she changed?

As soon as she thought of the question, the answer struck her like a lightning bolt. Gem's breath hitched in her throat. No- no that couldn't be right.

...Pearl already thought of her as perfect?

[avelera]

I saw the IWTV finale early thanks to a kind soul sharing it with me!

A few (spoiler-y) thoughts:

Really interesting how they reimagined and framed the ending of this take on IWTV with Louis and Lestat mourning Claudia together. It feels like Justice For Claudia in many ways, it feels like a fitting homage to the origins of Claudia's character (the dead of Anne Rice's daughter from leukemia as a child), and in general was just a really interesting way to sort of give this closure the book never did and also use it to realistically allow them both to push forward past their toxic and abuse past into a somewhat plausible healed future.

It was also a decent reminder, to me, that these are vampires. These characters live forever. I would not condone Louis/Lestat in real life because life is too short to keep going back to an abusive ex. But these guys are vampires. Do not do as they do. But genuinely 70 years, a human lifetime, is realistically long enough to say, "Hey, we're new people now, we've learned and suffered a lot, we lost our daughter and it was fucked up. Maybe all we have is each other." And make peace with each other on that front.

BUT NOW I'M WONDERING HOW WE GET ROCKSTAR LESTAT - ok because Louis kind of got Lestat's book motivation for becoming a rockstar? The "Fuck you, come find me," to all the other vampires. Lestat I believe only speculates that as Louis' motivation, but they made it canon (or I could be wrong).

But that was Lestat's motivation for HIS book, making Louis and the others come find him. Since that's been solved with Louis coming to find him (lovely little homage to the IWTV movie with him playing the harpsichord) now I'm wondering if Louis is the one who encourages Lestat to become a rockstar and write down his book.

Thing is, it's not totally contradicted by the book. (SPOILERS) TVL does end with a beat where Louis and Lestat reunite and Louis is kind of his groupie for a bit. Moving that up so Louis is part of Lestat's rise is actually a really lovely touch, it gives them a bit more time together before shit goes down, and I could totally see this version of Louis as Lestat's agent since he's shown to have that business acumen.

Now that Daniel is a vampire (OMG OMG OMG MORE ON THAT IN A SECOND) the risk is no longer so bad for him to come interview Lestat and I'm sure he's salivating to do so and Louis would definitely invite Vampire Daniel to do the interview for Lestat's book, since there's no fear for his safety (or at least, not as much) anymore. And Daniel would jump at the chance. It would be a fabulous framing device, Rockstar Lestat with his agent, Louis, inviting Daniel to interview Lestat for his next book AND it means we get Daniel's snark throughout Lestat's story.

OK SO DANIEL BEING A VAMPIRE. Definitely leaves the door open for past AND present Devil's Minion WITH THE ADDED BONUS of Daniel not going insane after he's turned (likely owed to not being turned while still a drug addled young man so, hey, if there was past Devil's Minion where Armand said no, kudos to him for reading the situation correctly that vampirism would drive young Daniel insane but not Old Man Daniel).

I was SLIGHTLY, SLIGHTLY bummed to see Daniel as a vampire without getting to see the whole Daniel/Armand situation but only slightly. There wasn't enough room in the season, it would have been a distraction, and IMO we can now save it properly for its place in either TVL or QOTD, which I bet are going to be Seasons 3-4 or as many as 3-6 if we stick to 2 seasons per book.

A take on Devil's Minion where past and present Devil's Minion are intertwined would be AMAZING and I've got my fingers crossed that's how they do it. Maybe interweave a bit of Vampire Armand.

I don't think/know if we're going to get a full Vampire Armand season BUT I do believe the show is going to pivot its POV lens to say, hey, everyone's got a point of view, everyone's got a reason. At some point, we're going to get more of Armand's POV and why he did what he did because I imagine his version will be different from Louis', just as Lestat's is, that's the whole basis of the show. And in there maybe we'll get some past Daniel/Armand.

Ok this already got away from me but ANYWAY, those are my thoughts for now.

[pro-logue-epi-logue]

RANDOM DEVIL'S NIGHT THOUGHTS

~NUMBER 45~

Things that were not in NIGHTFALL but should have been

(There might be some ranting soo bear with it, you may or may not agree with them) ->

1. Emory and winter not even sharing one single sentence.

Are you telling me two bestest of buddies Damon and Will are married but their significant others did not even share 1 single sentence. NOTHING. ZERO. NADA. Yaaa right.

I am suppose to believe it?

But yeah sure Rika was always there. ALWAYS?? Why just why? Just once let banks and winter talk.

2. Two of the most awesome characters of the entire devil's night EMORY SOFIA SCOTT and NIVOKA SARAH BANKS are not best friends???

Let us all not live in a delusional and finally accept the fact that EMORY and BANKS are best buddies.

Like imagine the sarcasm, sass and obviously how they both are now going to humble the Horsemen and everyone else.

They LITERALLY have sooooo many topics to talk about.

They both definitely meet 2 or 3 times a week just these two and chat and be as awesome and cool as they are.

But yes we didn't got this either. I was soo excited when the two best girls em and banks were supposed to meet but did we got it no. Apparently alex was important. * insert eye roll* ( everyone have the same thoughts here lets not lie)

3. Will not explaining his tattoos

William aaron payne grayson III has been obsessed OBSESSED with Emory Scott, we all know that, its no secret.

It was mentioned in corrupt that he got tattoos while he was in jail, WHEN he didn't knew about what em and martin did. WHEN he was hopelessly in love with her.

So i don't believe that 90% of his tattoos are not related to her one way or other. NOPE JUST NOPE.

So we all deserved a chapter when he told her the meaning of his tattoos and what they signifies after they were married.

4. Emory not getting her own wedding

Emory has the most painful life, she was not at all happy when she was in high school. And after she went to Berkeley when her gazebo burned she didn't let herself be happy.

So just once ONCE in her life can this girl get something for her just for her only.

Don't get me wrong the wedding was cute( it wasn't).

But EMORY deserved a day just for her and will that she shouldn't share with anyone else.

After everything she went through all the pain and hardship, and all the things will and emmy together as a couple went through they deserved a day for just them.

5. Emory Scott smiling in the present chapters

In the entire present timeline all we got was will and emmy fighting, I just wanted 1 chapter just her smiling and finally being happy after all the things. It doesn't matter how, she can be alone with micah or rory or even will. Just her happy and smiling.

And i really think this and tattoo excerpt should have been there instead of AA.

6. More time between MICAH , RORY and EM

In the short time em was in blackchurch only micah was nice to her and rory was well him. But the scenes when Micah and Em dances together and when these two cuties stood up for her when the entire Horsemen clan was treating Emory so bad so so bad these 3 have my heart. They are the brothers she deserves.

I even like how she described them during the wedding.

So yes they should have had 1 or 2 more scenes together for example when they all went shopping after the engagement.

7. Emory's Backstory

There was a 9 years gap, 9 YEARS. So much can happen in that time. But we don't know anything, literally anything about her during that time. I genuinely wanted to know how she coped with the break up with the love of her life WILL, how did she survive in that 1 year when he was not there, how was her college life, how was her graduation, her ex-boyfriend ( she must have dated someone right),how is her job. Anything would have worked but no did we got anything, no we didn't. But what did we got, repeated reminder of will and alex( i get it they were together but why throw it in her face when she was already soo insecure). This novel should have focused on those years when will and emmy were apart and how her life was in California instead on ALEX( I said what i said she got way too much page space in a book that wasn't even hers ).

8. Will's reaction to when em told him about the coffee can and Damon's mom

I really wanted to know how will would react when he find out that emmy saved all these things and how they meant the world to her. And specifically how ther were just under the gazebo he burnt.😅. Just there away from him. Its a short distance.

I also wanted to knew what exactly happened that devil's night and did he or did he not put damon down. Did he freak out?

9. Way less of Alex and Aydin

It was a book of WILL GRAYSON and EMORY SCOTT then why was i reading about another couple who didn't even matter.

I am still bitter about how badly alex treated emory and how rude she was to her without knowing anything. And how both AA had more page space in present timeline than will and em themselves.

Because we all know how AMAZING, AWESOME and SUPERB past will and emory were they were everything, they were chef's kiss. So imagine how awesome they would have been if AA weren't there because now they both confessed their feelings and their is no martin( we were robbed big time).

10. Will's and emory's accomplishments

It wasn't mentioned but i know, i just know that will grayson was homecoming king and emory scott was the valedictorian and she even passed college with achievements.

This girl spent every minute of her wake hours for either school,gazebo or her grandma so yeah.

11. An apology

Emory deserved an apology from kai, Michael, ALEX and will also because they all every single one of them treated her as if she wasn't even a human. And i hated what kai said to her. Alex was rude and wanted to hit her( an abuse victim seriously), Alex was mean and kind of bitchy for no reason at all. Will did her wrong as well but i dont want to elaborate on this.

Soo yeah SHE DESERVED AN APOLOGY.

12. Emory and Will talking

Inwas waiting for will and Emory to talk to each other specially about Emory's abuse and Will's trauma. These two suffered the most and only had each other and they only showed their true selves to them only and yet They didn't talk! But yes tell us Rika's wedding dress color and how is it relevant.

13. Emory's parents

Why does the only thing we know about Emmy's parents is how they died? We should know a little more about them, where is their grave, how were they with emmy, their sweet moments together, them celebrating Emmy's birthday, playing with her in the park.

14. Will's emotion on his arrest day

We got to see everyone's pov when they git arrest but not will. He is the most ignored PD male at this point.

[linkspooky]

I got to say. I really love your OC Lio within your atla fanfic. And that is saying a lot for I never been a fan of OCs within fanfics. I do wonder what was your inspiration for writing them

I'm glad you like Lio my OC from THIS ATLA FIC.

Well what inspired Lio was reading the search years ago and seeing Azula run off into a forest and Zuko not trying to go after her and help his sister when she's clearly mentally breaking down. Then just, not really looking for her by the time that Smoke and Shadow comes around.

The idea of Lio sprung for that, what if because Zuko didn't go after her someone else found Azula when she was at her lowest point in her life. What if when Zuko wasn't there for her, someone else was. What if this person wasn't a good influence, but was a predator lurking in the woods, and someone who couldn't be trusted and never wore their genuine face. Someone now attached to Azula who has an agenda of their own. It's like a plot consequence for Zuko never lifting a finger to help his sister.

The character they're based on the most is Yun from The Rise / Shadow of Kyoshi. In particular they're based off of my massive disappointment for how his character was handled. So excuse me while this post turns into a rant.

Rise of Kyoshi introduces a character known as Yun, the false avatar. A character who was taken off the streets and led by Kuruk's companions to believe he was the next avatar because they couldn't find Kyoshi in time. The earthbender's usual divining method for finding the avatar wasn't working and they essentially took a random nameless street kid on a hunch and prayed it would work.

They then put Yun through what could only be described as Zoldyck training if you've ever read Hunter x Hunter. He was forced to swallow poisons and stay up sick for nights on end so he'd be immune to all of them. He was forced to try to learn firebending by standing on hot coals, or training on spiked caltrops that permanently scarred his feet. His teachers horribly abused him, then frequently called him lazy for not being able to bend fire, because he you know... wasn't the avatar.

He does his best to put up with abusive training for years because he wants to help the world, and then he finds out that he wasn't the avatar. The way he finds out is that his master asks a spirit which one is the avatar him or Kyoshi, the spirit picks Kyoshi, then he's like "If you don't need Yun anymore, then I'll just eat him."

He's then dragged to the spirit world, and has to fight off a spirit named Father Glow Worm for days and then EAT him in order to escape the spirit world. He asks for a drink of water from a nearby village and not a single person helps him, and one throws the water on the ground and tells him to waterbend it. So Yun has his Geto moment and kills everyone around him.

Then, in Shadow of Kyoshi (this all happened in Rise of Kyoshi and is told to us in flashbacks of Shadow) Yun enacts a scheme to kill every single one of his abusers for revenge. His abusers who I remind you are not good people. Rangi's mom had the most student deaths by Ag Ni Kai when she was head of the Royal Fire Nation Academy for Girls and also probably killed her sister in order to get the position. The same woman that made Yun dance around on caltropped spikes and called him lazy when he showed the SLIGHTEST hesitation.

Now my point isn't that Yun deserved to get his revenge. Revenge bad. Of course revenge is bad. But Avatar somehow, while being the pro-redemption and pro-forgiveness show always manages to screw up the "revenge bad" message. I think it can be summarized in the way both Jet and Hama are treated in their respective plotlines. The feelings of the abusers (in this case the colonizing fire nation) are put in prioirity over the feelings of the victims. Even though the violence they commit is in retaliation to violence that was done of them first. Avatar only stops the question of "violence bad" without addressing where the source of the violence came from.

They also put down both victims with violence instead of trying to find a third way to stop this cycle of violence by reaching out an healing an abuse victim instead. Like, violence is bad, unless a protagonist is using it I guess.

There's no real substance to these anti-revenge messages. They're not overcoming the cycle of revenge. They're just failing to save victims with no plot consequences because they're not main characters.

Anyway, back to Yun. As I said, the feelings of Yun's abusers, particularly Rangi's mother are prioritized over the feelings of Yun the victim. Even though everything thing that Yun does is in retaliation to years of child abuse he suffered under them. Yun's abuser gets the chance to apologize and atone but not Yun himself. All because Yun wants to murder his abusers, which you know child abuse and torture is forgivable but not an abuse victim being angry and showing that anger in ways that aren't approved of by the good guys TM!

All Kyoshi can say to Yun in the end essentially is "let it go." Like, god the whole monologue sucks let me take a moment to transcribe it.

"It's time to let go." Kyoshi lowered her hands. "Whether you kill me here today or not, you have to let go of what happened." "And it didn't brting me peace. It was wrong that you were lied to, Yun. It was wrong for Jainzhu to do what he did, but he's gone. Whatever pain and anger you have left - you have to live with it. You can't put it on anyone else."

Actually, yes Kyoshi he can put it on someone else. An entire group of adults collectively abused him for like years on end and you're defending one of them because she's your girlfriend's mom, and prioritizing her feelings of the hurting victim right in front of you.

Also, Kyoshi ends the plotline by murdering Yun. Which you know, once again, violence is bad, revenge is bad, unless it's a protagonist doing it. Kyoshi preaches how you can't end the cycle of revenge with murder and then proceeds to end it with murder.

So basically after the narrative sides with Yun's abusers and Kyoshi shows no empathy for Yun, the narrative goes on to further imply Yun never really loved kyoshi because he only loved her when she was underneath him not her own powerful avatar. Like you can't just have Yun experience negative character arc due to trauma you've got to imply they were bad all along.

I do like revenge stories where the victim dies. However, they have to be tragedies for the main characters, or be used to show the flaws of the main character. Ciel / Noel in Tsukihime is a fantastic example of what could have been done with Yun's character. The TLDR: version of tha tpost is Ciel's treatment is Noel is MEANT to make her look like a bad person. To show that Ciel may be a hero but falls short as a person. Kyoshi isn't MEANT to look like a terrible friend but that's how she comes off.

Sorry, this turned into a Rant. Lio is basically my attempt to do Yun again with several aspects of their character. The child abuse. The clown / jokester personality. The gentle nature turned violent. The feeling that Lio is "Nameless" or a "Mask Maker" rather than a person. That they're worth nothing unless they play a role that was given to them, in this case protecting a royal family member. Their charisma, and their intelligence as a schemer and a tricskter. The connection to the spirits. All of it, but without horribly murdering the victim and redeeming the abuser at the same time. An attempt to redo Yun's tragedy but without blaming the victim.

Lio is also based off of Azula herself, and to a lesser extent Zuko. Like Azula, they value loyalty above all else. They show extreme loyalty to others while expecting other people to show that exact loyalty in return. They'll also resort to emotional manipulation to control people because they can't handle even the idea of rejection. Lio is clever, and a good liar, and is one of the few people who can mouth off to Azula without fear. In fact, Azula enjoys trading insults with Lio because literally no one else is able to talk to her that way. Like, it's fun for both of them to just sit there and think of comebacks and they both due it in place of actually talking to each toher about feelings because they're both fake people who like to put on masks and tell lies to hide their identity.

One more inspiration for Lio is Hak from Akatsuki no Yona or rather my problems with Haks' character. This is going to be less of a rant because the rest of the series is great. Hak is always a character I wanted to like, but the more he became a love interest the less I liked him because the plot began to ignore his glaring flaws. Basically, the difference between Soo Won and Hak, is Hak is someone who is a knight, he is loyal to one individual. He would put one person's life over the entire country. He might be the ideal knight, the best there is, but he really doesn't care about things on a grand scale. He judges things on how they affect Yona, and how people are kind or not to Yona. He didn't care about if King Il was a terrible king or people in the kingdom suffered because he was personally loyal to King Il. Whereas Soo Won will make decisions to screw over his friends and sacrifice himself as well, but for a greater good.

The plot goes into detail showing the flaws of Soo Won's decision making, that by being too willing to sacrifice people he didn't see things coming like Yona's growth into an eventual leader, or that he could have from the beginning tried to think of a way with less sacrifices if he hadn't underestimated both Hak and Yona's growth and tried to do everything by himself. Essentially he treated his two best friends as gameboard pieces but they showed him all along they were his equals and he was wrong for objectifying them and nto considering their feelings.

However, the show doesn't nearly go into Hak's flaws. After like a hundred chapters or so he basically just becomes the perfect boyfriend. So, Lio's inspiration was what if I take Hak's personality to the extreme. What if Hak was so obsessed with Yona because he was like REALLY WEIRD ABOUT IT. What if Hak's entire personality was being Yona's bodyguard / boyfriend and he had no sense of self outside of that? What if that was exactly his flaw, he's Yona's bodyguard and nothing else and therefore cannot exist without her. What if Hak's love for Yona was a FLAW?

So basically Lio is like Hak if Hak were a TOTAL FREAK about things.