#it feels like its not as deep as it used to be now idk. whhen i had that gi brainrot for 2 years. i knew so much lore ab that shit and so

[kunikisss]

the saddest part about being depressed to me is that you aren’t even motivated to be insane about your interests anymore. like i used to be so engaged with whatever i was obsessed with at the moment, now i don’t even have the drive to watch a theory video or something

[ggirlnextdoorr]

Story time. 😏

I have a super personal story/vent thing I really need to share- really need to make it public so I'm not just holding it in and only telling people close to me especially bc I'm at the age now to where nothing can be done to what's happened and what I'm talking about and only venting to my closest friends and boyfriend just isn't enough bc I feel like I'm not heard and that how I'm feeling about all of this is just sad bullshit that I got through bc that's how others treat it but it doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt me still.

k here I go

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At the end of March, 2015, I met this boy. I immediately thought it was "love at first site" and he was a bad boy. He was highly experienced with drugs and girls, he was popular in high school, he was in trouble with the law, he smoked meth. I don't know why I was attracted to him, and idk how I let him manipulate me into "loving" him, but at the time he was my world. My life revolved around him. And when I brought him home, my mom had a friend over that he met at this guys house named Troy. Her friend was named Danny. He was smoking with my mom. Smoking something I was familiar with because of the time I spent with Adam. And int he middle of the night after I passed out, I woke up to Adam, Danny, and my mother all smoking crack. And I was heartbroken in that moment but hid how I felt bc I wanted to be with Adam. After that night it started to be a daily thing. And about a month later, Danng was out of the picture, Adam lived with me and brought a bunch of his people in the picture. Everything seemed good- aside from seeing my mother clean for 8 hours straight, use the 3ft bong to take shard dabs with my boyfriend, and I had a cool room and friends. Eventually things started going downhill when my mom started beating me during disagreements. And as time passed, we had to move or wed be evicted, our luck that section 8 pulled through right in time tho. We got a nice big 2 bed apartment and I finally had my own room. And within the time it took to get my room together, I was being cheated on, and had to deal with my methhead mother. I attended at the high school near where I lived and I gained 3 kitties. During the time I went to school, there was one day that I decided to come home during my off and get my charger and a few other belongings, and I texted that to my mom before I showed up and all I got was threats if I ditched school. She didn't understand or comprehend that leaving school during an off period isn't ditching. So I get home and I go in my room gather up my shit and she barges in, yelling at me, getting up in my face with her pupils the size of the moon, grabbing me, pinching me, and cussing me out. A couple mins go by I get her to stop and I go to leave and she pushes me down right when I open my door, kicks me, grabs my window fan out of my window, throw it at me, spits on me, while still cussing at me and calling me names, saying I'm worthless, wish I wasn't born, saying I'm nothing but scum, a failure child, and most of all, a whore. I never got why she called me a whore, I was in a relationship. A very long relationship I was loyal to. And after spitting on me, she slammed my foot in the door and breaking the Christmas lights I hung up and bought myself in the process. That was the day that I realized I had lost my mother to what they call Crystal Methamphetimines. She told me that if I leave my stuff will be outside and the door would be locked when I got back. So I stayed home and didn't go back to school. About a month or two later, its Thanksgiving month. My mom brought it two homeless men that seemed okay. I was wrong. One stole my moms pills and shot up heroin. The other smoked meth and popped pills. I had to deal with constant fighting, constant drug deals, and constant "where's my" fill in the blank.

whhen I got tired of dealing with all of it, I told my mom that either I leave or they do. I was surprised when she made them leave. But it wasn't long til she brought someone worse. His name was neiko, he was a pyscho crazy and dangerous person with a 16 and pregnant girl he called his wife. I'm not going in deep in this one- lets just say the fights were 20 times worse, super violent, and devil like. That was when I stopped feeling safe in my own home and ran away for a day. Took me 2 months to have the guts to leave. When I came home my mom realized they needed to go. And so they left, Neiko didn't stop coming around every now and then after 4 months though. Finally its just me, my mom, and the friends I had made that came over a couple days a week. Things were steady, going good, I actually believed my mom was clean until I searched her room when she went to a doctors appointment- and suddenly she brought home three people. EVEN MORE DANGEROUS, AND VIOLENT, AND SCARY than Neiko and his lady. The best part of them being there though was I was blessed with a puppy that helped me through a lot of it and kept me going. But each day went by and it just got worse, October 2016, we got evicted for "drug trafficking and drug use" and we lost section 8 for having people stay with us. That was when I had lost all hope and expected nothing but the worst. I had 4 cats, a puppy, and a bunch of belongings but no where to go. We were able to put things in storage, and I was able to stay with friends on and off and my mom was in tents and abandoned vans. In February 2017, my mom had finally cleaned up her act a bit, she got a place and I moved back in April 2017. Things were great. My mom was actually clean and my mother again. But just a month later things were back to its old ways but my mom was safer about what happened, no more people staying, no more troubles, no more drug trafficking just her doing drugs.everything was swell until we had to leave because of my dog, Stella. It took a month to find a new apartment and we moved in and things were wonderful. Occasional arguments because its a mother and daughter thing sometkmes. But now its worse. My mom tells me things I could have never imagined a mother being able to tell a daughter. She told me she doesn't love me anymore, that she hates me. And so much more worse things that before that I'm not even stating it. What really ticked me was tonight, my mother arguing with me over nothing, and causing problems from 11pm go 330am know that I work at 1130am. I kept quiet most of the time but when I stuck up for myself I was "disrespecting" her and she said I don't have a right to talk to her like that and that I don't have a right or authority to matter or speak. I don't have a right to tell her she interrupted me when I was talking. According to her I'm lower than her bc she is the parent. I feel so terrible because I didn't do anything wrong but stick up for myself. I was taught in school that every human has the same rights. But in her presence I don't even have the freedom of speech.

anyways where I was going with this was that my mom tells me to this day we were evicted because of me, that for what she's done with cleaning up her act before had made up for her wrongs and has made her deserve respect. I seem to lack respecting a woman that put me through hell on purpose. A woman that beat me til I wasn't able to take it anymore, a woman that put me in life threatening situations and a woman who put me on the streets and on my own to fend for myself at age 16. I get that I have responsibilities, I get that I was old enough to do some things on my own but what I had to go through wasn't something I should've gone through. The most upsetting part is that I can't even fix my connection with her bc she refuses to be a good parent, she refuses to care about me and refuses to remember what she put me through, as if I mean nothing. And to this day all I can think about is the day that I brought Adam around and Danny came into the picture and the fact that for 2 years I could've done something and got myself out of that situation, but what I went through has made me who I am today and hopefully by the time I'm an adult on my own I will be better. I just wish this didn't all hurt so much because I put the blame of everything on myself.