#it feels like MONTHS since ive gotten to be Me. felt things and CARED about things and talked passionately.

[gumy-shark]

just had a hard conversation with my grandma about trans people and my support for them and walked away crying. but in like a good way. at least for me

[kavehayati]

I’ve been teaching my sister how to play Genshin for some of the past hours today and I hope she quits bc now I feel really guilty about it I don’t want her to waste all her time on it and Im thinking abt why she even wanted to start the game and now I feel even more horrible bc of some reasons that I kinda feel guilty explaining

[ctrlchar]

hii!! could you do smn like angry sex where like johnnie and reader are exes and they meet again at a party or something and fuck? reader w/ degradation kink and like an oral fixation?? thankyou smm xx

love/hate

a/n: the title is from love/hate by betty blowtorch and thank you so much for the request!!🫶 I debated on making it angsty at the end but i’m too sensitive for angst 😭😭

you and johnnie had ended on…interesting terms to say the least.to put it in simple words you had gotten into a argument about how much time he spends doing other shit then hanging out with his own girlfriend. eventually this led to the two of you deciding to take a break which ended up in the relationship completely ending a few months later

and now you had been at a party with your friend tara since she said you need to “find a new man” now that johnnie was out of the picture.

taking tara’s advice, you had found a hot guy and were dancing with him to one of the songs that was booming from the speaker

admist your dancing you felt as if someone had been watching you. you look a look around and to your dismay you had been correct someone had in fact been watching you

your heart could’ve fell on the fucking floor from the pit you felt when you made eye contact with Johnnie who you haven’t seen in months. the sight made you quickly apologize to the guy you were dancing with, before you break eye contact and rush to go find tara

“what the fuck!” she yells almost if not as surprised as you are. she begins to go on a quick rant about how this is a ‘window of opportunity’. after the two of you talk for a couple minutes,a few glances at johnnie along the way tara eventually tells you to ‘fuck it out’ or whatever that means

“I mean come on,ive seen the way he’s been looking at you and you couldn’t convince me there’s not even a little sexual tension”

and you couldn’t lie the sex was pretty good,however you were scared of catching feelings for your ex. to make matters worse you eventually run into johnnie which creates a rather strange encounter

“can we talk” he says eyeing you up and down to which you unsurely agree to not knowing whats to come. he grabs your hand before he practically drags you into a empty room

his whole demeanor changed as he says“what the fuck was that? thinking you can grind up against some guy right infront of me thinking i wouldn’t care” he spits out. you were taken aback by his outburst to which you respond, “i didn’t think you would care,you didn’t care enough to give me any attention when we were together so why do you care so much now” your voice beginning to raise

what you weren’t expecting was for him to look at you as if you said the most horrendous thing possible

“because you and I both know that douche out there couldn’t fuck you the way I do.” he says making direct eye contact

his newfound confession is the reason why he has you bent over some strangers bed fucking the living shit out of you while muttering the dirtiest things in your ear

“think you can just go fuck around with anyone? thinkin’ I won’t care just because we broke up?” he grunts,his thrusts hard and relentless

he fucked into you at a fast pace hardly caring about your own pleasure while he watches his cock slide in and out of you

“youre such a slut” he laughs “fucking your ex in someone else’s bed?” he then places his hands on your hips before you grip the bedsheets tightly not even comprehending what he says.

after a minute he orders you to turn around to where you’re on your back. the new angle making him go impossibly deeper

“missed this pussy so much” he moans out as he rests his hand on your face after moving your hair that had been covering it. before you knew it all you could think about was how good his hands looked and how badly you needed something in your mouth.

as if he could read your mind he placed his thumb on your lip begging for entry. the pad of his finger slipped into your mouth, gently pressing on your tounge with the pad of his finger. you whimpered as you began to suck on his finger,receiving a quiet “good girl” from johnnie who was still thrusting in and out of you at a consistent rate

“g-gonna cum” you cried out around his finger and with a few more thrusts you did just that.you practically screamed as the immense pleasure washed over you,your nails leaving deep red marks against his pale skin

after fucking you through your high Johnnie pulls out not cumming himself. Which you realize after you had regained your composure.

after you questioned him he said “you wanted something in your mouth yeah?” to which you nod before he orders you to your knees

“you know what to do”

[nyancrimew]

You do a lot of really cool stuff and you do it As You. How do you overcome the fear of being Perceived and Known? Especially when the stuff you're raising awareness about is controversial or big? I have anxiety and while the "fuck it we ball" mindset has gotten me fairly far, I still find myself regretting putting myself out there or regressing back into a shut in.

i feel like what helped me kinda deal with getting pretty well known is probably not really applicable to many other people, because most of it really was that ive just been slowly more and more exposed to a bigger and bigger level of fame since i was like 16 or so. long before i was at the point i am now i was a really well known person in the android modding community and then the broader and broader tech community, i definitely didn't deal super well with some of my first minutes of fame and there's lots of stuff i regret (i def let it get to my head for a while and because i was also slowly burning out at the time i was quite an asshole to a lot of people). i don't think that was necessarily the best for me at the time, but i learned some lessons especially about community building and i did a lot of media work already at the time so ive been honing my communications skills for almost 10 years at this point.

i first started blowing up with hacktivism related stuff around 2019, and then everytime i did again it was bigger and bigger, making massive international headlines for the first time in 2021 (with the verkada story). i still fucked up a lot and got very stressed at that time, especially with my mental health being extremely abysmal and paranoia growing as state repression became inevitable.

after the indictment in 2021 i did more and more press work again (there are lots of portraits of me from that era) but still wasn't like A Celebrity except for those brief moments, which (as i took a break from hacktivism) gave me some more time to grow and learn. by the time the no fly list hack happened in 2023 i had been spending a few months already doing various smaller cyber security related work and working with many of my journalist friends in the industry. in a lot of ways the no fly list leak and the media reaction to it was just routine work for me already at that point, which i think allowed me to take in all the social fame way better as well. it still all felt quite surreal, but i was already mostly media trained, had quite a bit of experience with working with an audience already so it was just kind of a matter of adapting to my new environment.

this isn't to say i was like specifically working towards fame (especially this level) but ive always cared about community/audience building and media communication. i don't think im like "fake" or whatever, but you do have to consider that despite my laid back style im still someone with an autistic special interest in personal branding and media communications. i just don't wanna do that for corporations or for profit and instead use it for my activist and journalist self advocacy to give things a platform.

[moonunirealm]

𐙚 ⋆ ᴍʏ 𝒮𝐻𝐼𝐹𝒯𝐼𝒩𝒢 ᴊᴏᴜʀɴᴇʏ (ᴇxᴘʟᴀɪɴᴇᴅ)

I SHIFTED AGAIN… TWICE!

in the past, i’d get in this zone every couple months where i’m super motivated/confident. reading other people’s success stories, scrolling on tumblr and seeing how easy it is to actually just shift my awareness to another reality…

i end up ‘mini’ shifting a few times then life gets in the way again or the momentum goes away but this time, i’ll make it keep going!

here’s a story time about how my last two shifting experiences went…

MOONUNIREALM ☾

dividers: @/saradika / @/saradika-designs

i minishifted to two parallel realities last night. when i shift, i don’t know why i get scared but i usually do then pull myself out of it. (im not going to pull myself out next time and i’ll just see what happens, this reality is gonna keep going without me, there’s nothing to stress out about “missing”)

first shift, i did it right when i fell asleep. i shifted and right away, it seemed like that world was moving at such a fast pace, i was the same, living in the same place, with the same family, etc but there was this hustle that kind of slapped me in the face.

due to that fast paced lifestyle, i thought that so much time had past in this reality. i needed to go somewhere in the morning in my cr so i just repeated “i need to go” over and over again until i pulled myself out of it… well, only 6 mins had passed in my current reality lol i swear it felt like an eternity.

in 6 minutes, i lived like 3 weeks. i shifted but only calling it a mini shift to put into perspective how short the time that had passed here was but in my scripts, that’s how i make my time ratios so my consciousness probably has gotten accustomed to it tbh.

the second shift literally happened right after the first. to recap, i went to sleep, shifted, then i pulled myself out. back in this reality, i laughed at how flustered i got about how much time passed and i literally fell asleep like 5 mins before. tbh, i was so tired, i had this big test that i was studying for so i was barely sleeping. with literally one eye open, wrote all i could about what i experienced in the first shift on a random note on my phone and went right back to sleep.

in this second reality, things were slowed down a bit but still faster than this current reality. i was so family oriented in that reality, it felt overbearing tbh. my grandmother, who died in this reality, was alive in that one but she was different. a bit taller, skin was brighter, she just seemed healthy (iykwim). anyway she was giving me ‘advice’ on everything i was doing, the way i folded clothes, how i was walking, what i needed to do… mind you, in that reality i was also going to school and trying to take care of her plus my little sister.

it was very tiring, the CONSTANT nagging. my parents weren’t there, i didn’t recall why they weren’t but it was the norm like it felt like it was just my grandmother, me and my little sister for awhile. i wasn’t wondering where they were, i didn’t have time to.

the second shift was longer than the first but i got bored of that reality lol, i swear it was so go, go, go and i didn’t see any relaxation in my near future. why would i stay in a reality where my calendar was booked from now till forever it seemed like.

anyway, that was my experiences this week, overall i’m happy that i got to remember how easy it truly is and feel like im getting accustomed to it since other times ive shifted, it was harder to remember details i remembered easily this time around.

if you’d like me to go into detail on any particular part, let me know!

[scullysstrapblog]

Warning, talks of blood, hallucinations, medical treatments, vomit, needles, and hospitals!

Read at your own risk!

Well friends, today was an awful day. I woke up at about 2 am, unable to breathe. I managed to last until 7 am before begging my dad to call 911.

So turns out, I have a chest cold, which caused my asthma to flare up. And because I already couldn't breathe, my asthma just made it nearly impossible to do anything but get short sputtering breaths. Add my anxiety on top of that, and I get visual and auditory hallucinations.

So we're in the ambulance and what happens? My heart rate spikes, My oxygen level tanks, and I essentially end up with a very kind emt breathing for me, yay! According to him, that's the weirdest way of dying he's ever seen.

We get to the hospital, (and important note, I live in a semi rural area, so it took us a bit to get to the hospital.) and I get signed in by my dad, they take me in to ask the triage questions, and for some reason, I felt like if I kept talking about things that didn't pertain to my situation, the creepy witch doctors, that were telling me that I was gonna die, would stay away. (Hallucinations, gotta love 'em.)

So then we get to the portion where they take my blood, (another important note, I was puking blood and mucus.) so the take as much blood as they can without killing me, I think they ran 20 different tests, and did blood cultures. I even got a covid test. (negative, woo hoo!) Because of the hallucinations and my anxiety, I was 90% sure hospitals employ vampires to taste your blood and tell the doctor what's wrong with you. The young person taking my blood thought that was hilarious and spent ten minutes assuring me that they didn't.

Finally they take me to my room, now my right elbow and hand have been poked and prodded, but they start an IV and I get my left elbow poked, from the marks I can see, three times. I HATE seeing my own blood so the feeling of the needle was not great.

So I end up getting meds to chill out, since at some point the witch doctors came back, along with, oxygen, prednisone, and three albuterol treatments. At some point, I passed tf out, I had not gotten restful sleep in 48 hours, I just zonked the second I could breathe.

They did a chest x-ray and made me swallow a camera, and they found that I have pus in my lungs. (woooooo, so great.) So I got a nice dose of meds to wash as much of it out as possible, but w as told I will be coughing it up over the next week.

At 1 pm I get discharged and leave with some nice prescriptions and a note to see a primary care physician in a week. Now, I was still shaky, all night last night I had used my rescue inhaler WAY too many times, plus the steroids always make me shake. I get some nice grippy socks since I left my house in just pajamas, no socks, no shoes, and my dad and I Uber back home.

At home I call my Walmart's pharmacy and both prescriptions came out to $19.31, which was incredible. I waited until they'd be back from lunch and went to the store, there I talked to my bosses and informed them of what happened. One of my bosses is my cousin, so she was extra worried.

But then, I saw her. (If you're keeping up with my other posts, then you know who.) And I told her what happened, and she said, "No! I'm supposed to die first!" Which made me laugh, which made me wheeze and cough, which made me nearly faint.

All this to say, I'm back home now, I spent the day sleeping and cuddling with my pupper, and taking breathing treatments. Now I'm gonna shower and make tacos since I just realized I haven't eaten since Thursday.

On top of all of that, I will have a compromised immune system for about a month. I'll be on light duty, hopefully, for about a week. So work shouldn't be too hard. If I'm lucky, they may even just let me stay up at the service desk all week. But, I am gonna have to take my nebulizer and meds with me to work, since if I don't take them exactly every seven hours, I could end up with serious complications.

The prednisone alone is bad enough with all of the negative side effects it has. Usually you get a two or three day dose. I've got a five day, three pills a day, dose. It's not my first time taking prednisone, but I will say, it's my least favorite medication I've ever taken.

Oh! And I just remembered that at some point, someone tested my blood sugar and I didn't cry! Well, I was already crying, but I didn't cry at the sudden shock of the lancet! (I accidentally poked myself with a lancet when I was little, so now it's just a knee jerk reaction for me to cry when I have my blood sugar tested.)

^ my asthma and anxiety rn knowing I'm thousands of dollars in debt JUST for the ambulance ride alone. I'm not even gonna think about what the meds, endoscope, and x-rays cost. Much less a room, the blood tests, and everything else.

[transitioningpirate]

today - 03/11 - dates exactly one month since i've started t!!!!! i'm so happy and honestly so pleased with everything. i had a bit of a bad month (got sick, had a bit of a falling out with someone and then i got sick again) but seeing the effects it's had on me already makes me honestly so happy. and thinking about what's to come makes me so much happier!! it's been a while since i realized i actually was feeling excited for the long term future. it's amazing.

here's some of the changes i noticed:

same as the last list - hunger and thirst have increased a lot. the doctor says it's because of my metabolism, it's much faster now. this is good but also bad because i keep forgetting to drink water. this is something that i've always struggled with. before this week, i've already ended up in a hospital because of dehydration like three times. anyways, i used to live in an island, very used to humidity, and this year, for college, i moved to a town that's, like, over an hour away from the nearest beach. it's very very dry. and like i said before, in november we were hit by a terrible heat wave, and it all piled up: fast metabolism, heat wave, dry place, me forgetting to drink water frequently, and you guessed it: i ended up at the hospital yesterday :(. had to take some pain meds and some saline, but im totally fine now, and ill make sure it doesn't happen again!

so much more energy. i know i said this already, but it's crazy, seriously, i have so much more energy just in general, for everything. it's amazing. ive been sleeping better, eating better, working harder, studying more, it's crazy. my mood has increased a lot, too, actually, especially after my second t shot.

irritability, but i think this has more to do with my personal life. a bit of tmi here: i was seeing someone until not long ago but some not-very-nice stuff happened, and i asked for a break (with no intention of returning, mind you, despite what he so confidently claimed) and immediately after realized i very likely had an sdt for the first time in my whole life. for the record, this is the only person ive slept with this whole year, basically. so. yeah, i was stressed, you can say that. spent a bit of money on meds, and im already feeling much much better, but it definitely took me down for a couple days, emotionally and physically, and i honestly think my irritability came from that, but maybe t had a hand on it too? who knows

two friends of mine claimed im growing a moustache, but i dont think so yet. i already had a very thin very small moustache before, and maybe it's getting a bit thicker? i haven't noticed it personally except in one (01) picture i took with a weird lightning. im not sure... but i like to think so! maybe it's just starting to get thicker and it'll actually grow eventually!

acne. i bought a soap for my face specifically, and i use it everyday, sometimes twice a day, so it's not as bad as it could be, but it's definitely present. mostly in my forehead and my chin. it's easily taken care of, though, and doesn't hurt and barely shows, so it's whatever

my voice has definitely gotten deeper! not significantly so, but it definitely has, it's noticeable, and i love it so much. i love listening my own voice. i love listening to myself talk. i love it, love it love it love it so much. i record so much more audios on wpp now, i like hearing them back, i like hearing myself!!!!! it's the best. ive never felt this way about my voice before. im so happyyyy <3<3

it's so hooooot god i feel hot almost all of the time, everywhere it's warm and i sweat sooooo much. doubled my deodorant use and i have no regrets. it's not a bad thing, but it is mildly inconvenient sometimes, ngl. living in this hot as all hell town definitely doesn't help. ive wore more light and freeing clothes and it actually helps a lot, though. plus, my baby cousin's birthday this month will be a pool party, so im hella excited for that!!!!!!

if i can think of anything else, ill add onto this. thank you so much :3

[weezeryuri]

I don't know if it helps at all but I was pretty screwed at age 20 too. That's when I first got sick, got bedbound and I've struggled ever since to get out and be around people again. It's only in the last couple months I've started doing things with people irl, entirely at the behest of someone else dragging me on to do it so. I get you. I'm 25 now I've spent those years feeling alone and at several points felt so awful I wanted to not exist any more. You know what I mean. Anyway it's not like it's easy, and it's not like someone else having a similar situation means yours doesn't suck shit. I just want you to know you're not alone. I'm here if you'd like to chat or anything, I know talking isnt easy either but if you did want to I could message you sometime. Send you gay images if you want I draw a lot of gay images. If that would be nice for you. I'd like to be able to make you smile sometimes. Sorry Ive gotten off track idk where I was going with all this I just hope you know how many people care about you and want the best for you forever. Thinking of you :]

thank you i appreciate it very very very much. what makes me so hopeless lately is i have literally no way out. i’m in not great health because my mom isn’t helping anymore so when my depression gets bad and i get bedbound i just starve and i haven’t been to the doctor in like 2 years etc etc. like i didn’t want to overshare the more intimate details of the neglect I’ve gone thru but i want people to understand that i’m doing everything i can do

again thank u for the nice message and you’re always welcome to msg me on discord

[plumblossombouquet]

after 5 long months ive logged onto this account. ive cleaned it up of any cluttering posts. i feel a lot of regret for how ive handled certain things and for how harshly ive always treated myself. i had tried to be optimistic on this blog, you can see it, but deep down i was miserable. this isnt a sob story post, it is more of an update and analyzing myself too. because to analyze me back then and me now is to see growth as a person.

tbh i was struggling with a lot of things months ago and even relapsed in things i wouldn’t have imagined i would have. this isnt for validation at all, i like writing things publicly like this, like a note for myself? idk. 

i know i would make comments about my mental state back then “how it got better” but that was never the case. it was temporary. 

to be quite honest, i will get into the real real gist of it. i had moved out of my parents place like in october of 2022. living with my family has always been stressful, i wont go into that though. my roommate was an incredibly selfish and two-faced person. there were red flags but i either hadnt noticed or ignored them. she was a complete pos, imo, and even reveled in being one. she was even gross and her sister who also lived with us was also gross. i feel bad for her cat bc she wouldnt clean the litter box that much until she wasnt so “depressed”. i am honestly not sure, i put quotation marks bc honestly i feel that she was just lazy as fuck. she was one of those girls who followed trends and went out clubbing a lot and had lots of hook ups. i dont know man, maybe i seem like an asshole but ive struggled with depression since i was a kid and still find energy to clean my cats litter box. granted, i have better coping mechanisms and thought processes and am just in general in a better place mentally but idk i love my cats to death and feel like a dickwad when i even go a couple of hours over with cleaning their litter box. she also didnt try to help with her cat becoming obese basically and stuff, so yea. sorry for the long tangent, my roommate was a dickwad.

after moving out of that hell hole (i wasnt apart of the lease so it was p easy), i think i moved out beginning of february? well, situations happen and i move out of parents place with my bf at the end of february. place ends up being fucking infested with bed bugs and the landlord lady was a bitch and so yea. i moved in and out like 4 times in the span of november 2022-march 2023 i think? tbh, that was all pretty stressful. but i think the good thing out of it was my cats are indoor cats now and i love taking care of them.

while cleaning my posts of clutter, i had a wave of nostalgia both good and bad. it wasnt that long ago but it feels like it. i loved rping hu tao and i think a lot of the reason as to why i could never rp with a lot of ppl was because i was harsh to myself and held myself back. i felt like i didnt properly convey hu tao’s portrayal and compared myself to other hu taos. it is easy to compare because it isnt your writing or portrayal. i could look at myself, be a harsh critique about my looks, but at the end of the day there could always be someone out there that sees things differently. in a more positive and less judgemental light, ig. i also had and still struggle with social anxiety. it has gotten better and perhaps it has helped that ive learned to be more understanding of myself like i am with others.

i love hu tao as a character and always will. and id love to come back to her! but tbh i have fallen out of the game and havent been playing it. i havent played the event including hu tao. i am not sure yet if i am going to make such a commitment to rping again but looking back at the posts made me feel a bit happy. i kinda like how i wrote her, i liked interacting and being goofy. 

so, there is that, i guess. 

[poems-of-a-lover]

This is in regards to that post you made today, about anon messages. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place and I don't really know where to turn.

Basically, I was born into a very controlling religion, probably borderline cult known as Jehovah's Witnesses. They believe they have the "truth", and that they need to remain separate from the "world" as Jesus supposedly commanded because the end/apocalypse could come at any time and they need to stay away from Satan.

I'm 17 now, about to start my last year of high school this fall and I'm a gay trans man (very much not to the knowledge of my family). My best friend since sixth grade is also trans, and I'm surrounded by lots of queer people (I live in a more accepting area/state). Thankfully, my parents were not in the position to homeschool my siblings and I, even though they had been considering it.

However, all these details lead me to a fork in the road.

A principle of this religion's foundation is preaching the "good news", from the youngest age a person is at any sort able to participate, spending their Saturday mornings every week going around neighborhoods and attempting to convert any and everyone they can.

I've been struggling along for the last 5-7 years or so since I mentally fell out of the religion's traps. However, once I turn 18 I have to commit myself to the religion, which I am in no favor of doing so.

Counting down the months, I find myself stuck in what direction to go, come out to my family (not in the queer sense yet, but rather just saying I don't believe in it anymore) and risk losing them entirely, or stay stuck in a place that is making every attempt to subdue and oppress me into a pretty, feminine, docile girl. I'll lose my mind if I have to stay in here any longer than I absolutely have to, but I don't know how to leave.

I'll turn 18 before I graduate, and I don't know what will happen past then. How do I take care of legal documents, doctors, college, those sorts of things (that part is largely rhetorical). My best friend has offered to take me in if/when I need it, and I think he said his parents/living-in family was alright with it (he's told them about me and my living situation), but I don't want to burden him cause he has his own issues--that's the same reason I'm writing this to you rather than asking him for help/advice again.

I hope you can find it in you read all of that, I'm sorry its so long but I felt it was necessary to fully explain it all. Also I wanted to thank you for your blog, I know there's not really any point to that but it's nice to read and see when I'm feeling down, it helps me feel validated in my identity. Have a good day/night/whatever's going on.

first off, im so, sorry that ur stuck in a position like this. u shouldn't have to be stuck in that type of position with those outcomes and those losses, and i really hope ur able to get out of there safely soon. i know it seems like it might be a burden on ur friend to take up his offer, like ur imposing or taking advantage or whatever reason, but if that's the safest option, i definitely recommend it. at least until ur able to come up with a more permanent/long term plan, it's good to have a safe place with people who respect u. ofc i don't know what it's like to be in a religious family like that, so my advice is from the perspective of someone who doesn't know it firsthand, but i feel like forcing urself to ignore ur identity for the sake of someone else's beliefs and comfortability will just cause more harm than good. i do hope ur able to live ur life the way u want, without having to water down or oppress ur identity for the sake of others. it will get better, maybe not now or soon, but eventually. if u ever need to talk about anything else, my inbox is always available for things like this!! and im so glad u find comfort in my blog, ive gotten that from a few ppl actually, that seeing queerness and loving men in a positive and safe light is helpful. again, if u ever need anything, my inbox is open <3

[shushthisaintmytumbla]

I guess its the Summer Solstice so here we are again! 6/21/23

Wow I knew I neglected my last pot but here we are back even later than the last one! Like i say everytime it is wild to see how much has changed in my life the past couple of years. Ups down and everything in between I come back to this spot everytime and see the growth I’ve made. All by myself. All for myself. I cant always see it but moments where I read back on the past I am brought right back to those moments and never lose sight of how I felt in the past. 

I keep seeing on TikTok that today is a Summer Solstice meaning it is a great opportunity for manifestations so lets try this out why not! I guess I’ll start by giving a quick synopsyis of my life from the past 10 months or however long (wow sorry I abandoned this for that long!!!!)

Lets start with Work. I am still at the same OI job and feel like I have grown sooo much. I cant say im perfect at my job, but I know I have made a shit load of progress that i’m very proud of. I shifted off of working with my mngr which has made the biggest impact on my happiness at the job. I was going from having weekly panic attacks to not even having to review a single email anymore. I am really proud of myself for treading through the mud and getting to the point where I am at now. Now for the manifestation segment. I am going to get a promotion soon. This SUMMER! I FEEL IT. I am such a hard worker and really have gained the experience to move up in the company. I am confident it will happen in the next couple months. I cant wait to come back here and tell you all about it. It will be my first real promotion at a job which is something that I’ve really wanted to achieve since I havent gotten to this point at any of my previous jobs. You got this Case. 

Now for relationships. Tricky subject and yep you guessed it D is still around. I have tested a coupe other relationships with E and A and C... but somehow D makes it through the motions of every single season. I do want to touch on E for a sec. I have grown to build an amazing relationship with him, but I havent seen him for a few weeks and I feel like the relationship is starting to fade. Im sick of getting 100% and then a week later not even 1%. I am fully aware it has nothing to do with me and more so his own struggles, but I do need to realize at the end of the day that its ok to want more from someone and he cant give me what I need as much as hes shown me how I can be treated in a healthy way. He’s the boy Ive always dreamt of how someone can treat/care for you, but this story just isnt ours at this point in time. Who knows what the future holds. Now D. Oh boy. As we all know its been a fucking roller coaster. I have felt the highest of highs w him and the lowest of lows. I do hold love for him (but not so sure ive ever been in love... idk what that even is lmao). We’ve gotten to a point where I feel like I have been holding my power for quite some time now. I don’t have the same anxieties as I had for him in the past and i don’t prioritize him over others. We’ve tried not speaking (jan 2023) for a couple weeks and ultimately he just came back and I allowed it. I cant cut him out of it killed me. It’s so fucking hard. I am working on figuring out his place in my life and how we can carry on without hurt, but I feel like I am slowy falling back in the trap/cycle. We had a really nice day together the other weekend and I felt those anxious attachment feelings creeping in... I need to remember the things that have happened and try to prepare for the worst, but is it crazy to say that what if we are meant for each other? The other day I was able to imagine being in a relationship with him and it shocked me how I felt so good the whole day. Idk prob the worst thought ever but.. idk.. why are we magents to each other? Lastly I wanna touch on friendships and new york life. My friends here are still the same (but Karina now lives in Miami) and I love them so much, but I’ve been feeling myself longing for my relationships in LA. There are many weekends where my friends here are out of town and I feel left alone many times. In LA I would have the comfort of my family when friends arent around, but theyre 100s of miles away from me. I really miss them so fucking much it hurts. I think the longer I am away the more and more I realize how special my family is. I especially feel bad being away from my mom. She asks me nearly everytime we talk when I’ll come back and little does she know I’ve been toying with the idea of returning once my lease is up. If not that I think I have 1 year left in me. It still shocks me to say it and feel confident in that, but I really miss my family. Thats truly the only thing pulling me back bc I love this city and who I have become here so damn much. Im not putting too much pressure on the decision as I still have 10 months on my lease, but it is in the back of my mind. I feel like I’ll lead myself to the right choice soon though. So much would change though. I told D the other day about the idea and he said he would be so sad which kinda surprised me. It would be the end for us if I did move back which im not sure is a good or bad thing. Sometimes I tell myself the love of my life is not here and I wont meet them till I move back lol. Im not sure where the future is gonna bring me, but im confident in myself to do what is right for me. Leaving my friends here would also be horrible, but at the end of the day if they are the friendships I believe them to be, we will still be as close as ever and planes exist!! I guess thats kinda it for now. But this is still the start to an amazing summer with so much fun in store I can feel it!!! I have a trip to the shore coming up next weekend and then im going back home for my bday end of july - aug. Later in the summer I am going to portugal with my family!!! and something BIIGGGG is gonna happen in the fam :o Cant write it in words here till it happens. Until then, I love you. Im proud of you. and life is always working out in my favor. <3  Love,

C

[crowaes]

long personal post about disability stuff. probably will throw this more edited onto the neocities later

so context- i started hrt in august of 2024. ive had health issues for a long time to a rather serious degree. i was in college classes sometimes almost in tears because my back or sides were acting up. i had a lot of problems with my hips. my dizziness was so bad to the degree that i was using a cane at times. ive had fainting spells throughout my life here and there. my first job i had to quit a couple months in because my body couldnt handle it. it took literally 2 years to recover the damage 4 months of work did. when i moved into my house, i couldnt carry in boxes without nearly fainting. my docs suspect pots and ive gotten a cardiologist referral, things were just messy with being uninsured until halfway through 2024. i dont feel a need to "prove" my disabled identity exactly. but i think its worth providing those snapshots on what my life actually looked like.

since starting hrt i have felt fantastic. like within weeks of starting my dizziness abated. i felt more energized. i went from having to plan my whole day around a grocery store trip to being able to randomly do a shopping trip after a 9 hour work day. i go on random walks. i built a bookshelf without a hint of dizziness. i do have to plan my days a little more than most people due to autism. i can burn out pretty easily if i dont stay careful with my environment and sensory needs. but i dont feel like im falling apart at the seams. the physical energy is always there if i feel i have the mental energy to do something.

and in one sense its been a beautiful thing. i am so happy to be on hrt and to finally feel like a "normal" person. not just for how much its helped my gender dysphoria, but for how its made me able to live my life. but the thing thats been tough is i dont feel as if i can really consider myself physically disabled anymore. and its like. ive had to live my life with considerations for dizziness and pain since 2019. i had to use a mobility aid. now suddenly, 5 years later, ive found a medication that for all intents and purposes cures my symptoms.

i dont know what to think of that. its such a sharp contrast and it happened so quickly. i am obviously grateful to feel well. but theres something to be said for how significant the disabled community spaces i was in were for me. am i no longer a part of those spaces because i feel well now? but then again, if i was to be forced off hrt all of it would come back. i know because i had to spend a couple weeks off and i felt fucking awful.

i also spent so much time navigating what gender meant to me in context of disability. so much of masculinity is defined by physical acts. being physically strong, being a provider, looking physically strong. and i just sort of accepted those couldnt be things for me. granted, i dont care too much about it because for my own gender expression i prefer to look softer. but theres a difference between "i am disabled so bulking up isnt even an option" and "i could bulk up if i wanted to but its not my preference." it ties in with a lot of body image/weight stuff too but i wont get too into it here.

ill probably ask this directly in some of the spaces/communities im a part of since i think getting a dialogue going would be very helpful to me. its like okay, im better. so what now?

[omanu]

useless words by me

happy new year to those who celebrate. i have some kind of cyst right on top of my butt crack and its been painful. cant sleep or sit well and ive been taking antibiotics since the 30th and on the 31st to today it popped on it's own, during new years lmfao. i was supposed to have gone to a friend of a friend's house to celebrate this shit of new year, i didn't really want to go in the first place, i hate commemorating things, but there was going to be a kareoke machine so i was convinced. didnt actually end up going cuz the cyst had gotten worse, i was glad i didnt go pw otherwise id have dirty underwear until the morning (today) and it's just gross as fuck. i wasnt on the mood bc its sucks to be on antibiotics. so instead of going w my friends i stayed with my mom and cousins at my cousin's. it was fine and chill i ate a fucking lot. i prepared a chocolate mousse and it kinda flopped but it was good. imxlxkk im just kind of in my feelings cuz at some point my 15yo cousin started talking shit abt elvis probably bc to get a reaction out of me, and it did, but i was being sarcastic most of the time and just kinda dealing w it in a joking manner but she felt so righteous so i started pointing out the hypocrisy in her taste cnjccj idk why i care, i just like him so much, so it sucks, simply as that. and it's all a bunch of lies like xjdjdk i cant even say much, everything about him that ppl complain is only based on some takes that are not true at all. i understand not liking him for priscilla but like,, the woman herself loves him still, and the anachronism is unreasonable. other than that, putting the industry's blame on him just doesnt work, he was literally just a guy. he could have been a better person in terms of social justice but this applies to all fucking celebrities TO THIS DAY so like,, whats the point of getting mad at him specifically??? weird. ik it doesnt matter if you dont care about him but i like him a lot so im gonna feel bad for all of this misdirected criticism.

so, my night ended on an uncomfortable note bc of this shit + i was feeling sorry for my cyst situation and how i spent the last three months sick and im still gonna be sick for a while – different sicknesses since october and i still dont know if im well enough – and im worried about the next few months cuz im unemployed rn and i need money to see my j-hope and taemin as well and i lent money to my sister while she didnt deserve it and i need to keep filling my schedule w classes and courses to get my degree by the end of this year and i didnt want to go through it while working but i guess that's what i'll have to do to see my king hoseok. and with all the low self-esteem that the end year parties bring as usual, im feeling terrible about my own self so yeah it checks out, the usual new year sentiment. amazing.

anyways, for all of this,, with all of this, it made me realize that i wish i had someone to talk about elvis and my feelings about some stuff cuz it only matters to me and to someone whose validation on me would make me feel comfortable since they know me and have the same standards as me. im feeling sorry for myself for losing the only person that had my heart and brain and ears, it really sucks, you guys. i have been lonely ever since and it only hurts me. nobody knows me. it's my fault but not only mine. wish i had someone. that's all i wish.

and i think 2025 is gonna be worse but im gonna try a bunch of things to make me overcome my state i need to get out of here and live the lonely bearable life i envisioned for myself until i kill myself when i hit like 40-50. sounds about ok.

[cheeseandbretboy]

who knew not fixating on self harm and starving would give me a personality this is like the first time in my life i have gotten a personality and i didnt even realise it small habits build up and i have a whole cottage with little shelves full of my ideas and maybe i cant hoard absolutely all the media and knowledge possible but that cottage exists and anytime i like i can go in and choose an old bound book or framed piece of art or absolutely anything and admire it and its there it really is guys trust me maybe this is what sherlock bbc (2010) meant by a mind palace it doesnt have to be for useful things but just things i think about like how sad my mother makes me sometimes and how much i want to pet a fluffy cow and thats enough and im happy and what interesting intelligent people i have around me and the access to resources i have and leisure i finally have something beautiful and flowing and airy and unending and swirly and different to live for and i get why most people live this way because its great, youre not constantly wallowing in self pity or hatred against others but just observing the world around u and just getting some stuff done its amazing and the fact i would give it up for something that i cant even explain a reason for is baffling and idiotic i know it is because i have the chance to do even better and feel even better with it but i keep thinking about what an idiot i used to be and i love myself for that i love that i was able to experience it because i think i was destined for it with my mother and innate feelings and im glad i got it over and done with but turns out when somethings a bit wrong you cant just get done with it and it might come back and i dont want it to but i keep thinking and god i felt unstoppable and so bratty because i wasnt focused on living at all and i would tell people that i told them i didnt care about now i care when im 18 and have the rights to make myself happy with both my home and body because i couldnt possibly live while being unhappy like that but turns out it was too long for me to handle and im actually trying to live now i mean thats why i only did well in school because that would matter anything else didnt matter so i did stupid stuff i still have the journals and im still journalling and omg i realised today is the day i started cutting a few years ago and maybe thats a good day to think about the past i would go to getting sober/clean apps and websites with no intention of stopping and i just had no aura wasnt skibidi rotting in my gooncave ok im stopping,... maybe with the emergence of brainrot i really havent gotten better since then i love talking about myself in the past because everything felt present right now im looking back or forward but when im doing shit and going crazy thats when everything feels real when i would collapse on roads at midnight and lay there looking up at the few stars and calling my friend who was cutting himself every third day and attempting every month or so but i had no care for him not really and i look back and i want to kill myself for acting like that because he came back from attempting and my other friend was in tears and the whole time i had this vacant expression and was so casual i was just so out of it nothing was real why am i contradicting myself sm hold up that does nawt sound right but anyways i can listen to some music i can flip through the journals i can look at my scars and it all floods back to me and i have this unexplainable urge to do it all again but worse because im nothing without that but i realise i do have something now i just cant recognise it and what a dull topic to talk about guys ive got to get back to my room all my things are there like maos and basil plants and journals and my broken fan (i am glad to be away from that, i pray each night that it doesnt fall on me and slice me into pieces because it will someday) and my cds and dvds AND M Y H A R D D R I V E and my bed and my frying pan and see sometimes i think about how weird it is that ive had to hide stuff from everyone

[dumbbitchfrommars]

How are you, J?

Can I call you J? After what must be a thousand posts, I think it’s safe to say no one is reading my blog nor is anyone worried about who I even am. It’s literally my online journal.

Wait, the bots. They might get me. Or would it come up if someone googled my name? Hm.

I guess it’s for the best that I continue keeping it lowkey online. Despite my entire inner monologue being on here. I feel safe knowing my name isn’t on here. Except I have gotten a bit lazy. A few names have slipped out here and there I’m sure, but nothing too dangerous. Sometimes my emotions get the better of me and I forget about being careful. But I should also always be careful.

I think that incident in Koh Tao has changed me. Cause somehow I feel like partying - drinking - even just drugs. I can’t do it anymore. It got me sick for MONTHS. And I’m trying to give my body the best shot it’s got to fight it off, and I realised that I don’t need any of that stuff to still have fun. Also sometimes the vibes are just not it and that’s okay too. Even the people who were drunk, high, or both all knew that too. So not just bc I was sober.

I think I’ve really established a good stable foundation for myself - more than I give myself credit for. I feel safe and supported when I’m in my own space and in my own lane. But I still have so much love to give and connections around me and I appreciate that so much too. But I also respect that I am so good when I’m on my own.

My head hurts :(

I can’t imagine how my sister is feeling right now.

It’s interesting that while I felt called to do more - the universe told me no in the form of my sisters.

Divine protection right there. Ive been seeing synchronicities all day today actually. But I think my favourite part was helping dad paint the new shelf in the bathroom. I love my dad so much. I love my mum so much.

I’m not ready to accept that one day they won’t be in my life anymore.

I really feel like u understand mum. While she triggers me, I see that she’s also just a person living life and learning in her own way. She wasn’t given the same opportunities and love and life that I have. So I can’t expect her to unlearn certain things just for me. She’s also allowed to make mistakes just like I am. I have to forgive her always. It’s not worth me holding on

Especially her moods. It’s the medication…. It’s always the medication. It’s never me. It’s never about me. I’m so selfish for thinking in these cyclical ways. That x negative experience, emotion, feeling is BECAUSE of me. It’s not BECAUSE of anything. It just… Is. Growth comes from accepting what is.

I feel like I can sit here in front of this heater forever and never feel warmed up.

Fucking mdma. It’s bad for you.

Anyway. I should probably get some sleep. I haven’t slept since last night, crazy.

Idk how I did it in Thailand. Just go go go. I am not about that life at allllllll

But I guess while you’re young you gotta do it!

I had fun. That’s all that matters. Always.