#it feels insane to have to do archival work for a six month old game

[inaconstantstateofchange]

Who Builds Theseus' Ship?

This ties in to a greater discussion about Larian's changes to the game post-Full Release, and whether you consider those changes to be a good thing or a bad thing. Personally speaking, the quality-of-life and gameplay mechanics improvements were appreciated, while the direct changes to characters and especially characterization were not so much.

In such discussions, I often see people downplaying the actual changes to characterization that have been made thus far as "minor" things, but I often see one of the most glaring examples of a characterization change left out, because so many people aren't even aware of it ever happening:

Halsin.

For those who don't know, if you were romancing Halsin at the time of the original full release, and for almost four months afterward, if you took him with you to Act 3's orgy scene in Sharess's Caress, he would open up about a situation in his distant past. He would tell you about how he had briefly been "something between guest, prisoner, and consort" in a drow House, and been kept there for three years before escaping.

He stated that this was something that happened "a long time ago", when he was "a foolhardy young druid", which would mean it would likely have been between ages 100 and 245 — or at minimum 105 years ago, and at (likely) maximum 250 years ago. He closed the discussion with a line that really struck me, and that gave me such an appreciation for his character, and for the writers who had created it:

The passage of time has a strange way of polishing even the most arduous of memories into precious keepsakes.

As someone in their late-20s, with a number of traumatic events in my past, this resonated so much both with my experience of those events – once harrowing and haunting, now just simple happenings that do not affect me the way they once did – and as an inspirational message, that hurt would not necessarily linger forever.

Not only that, I really valued the insight it gave into Halsin's personality, further showing him to be someone who was deeply complex and meditative, always looking for meaning and something to take away or learn from any experience. It also served to showcase the likely reality of the relationship elves and druids both would have to the concepts of time and memory. (Another example of this is the experience of Shadowheart's father compared to her mother at the hands of the Sharrans.)

I started playing the game almost immediately upon its release in August, and was intrigued by Halsin from the start. He was someone who was kind and heartfelt, but also very settled in himself and with a simultaneously rigid and very flexible moral code. It was that complexity that drew me to him, and I appreciated the inclusion of a character distinct from the Origin companions, all at close to the lowest point of their lives.

It was to my surprise to find that this appreciation for his character and perspective on his Act 3 revelation was not unanimous. As it turned out, there was a vocal group of people claiming that this writing was problematic, and that Halsin clearly didn't even realize he was actually traumatized, and that Larian needed to fix it. Not everyone joining in with this crusade had even played the game.

And, ultimately, in a pattern they have continued to follow, Larian responded. They fixed it. At the end of November, as part of Patch 5, they uploaded an edited version of the scene with new dialogue, where the player could express this "reality" to Halsin, in one of the most gallingly patronizing statements I've ever seen.

Sounds traumatic. You may need to reflect on that.

(If someone said this to me after I had opened up to them about my trauma and my experience of it to them, we would not be maintaining a cordial relationship afterward.)

Halsin's new response to these dialogue options is a cringing, self-deprecating cascade of how the player is of course right, and he should have known better, and time could "prove to be a trickster on one's recollections" and that perhaps he had "lost perspective".

Quite frankly, it is a completely different character answering, and an almost directly opposing overall message about the role of time in healing, and the path forward when it comes to trauma. No more "one day these events will not hurt to recall the way they do now". In its stead: "only healing that looks a specific way and follows a specific path is acceptable - anything else and you are simply a poor fool lying to yourself."

The following quote is from a comment left on a video of Halsin's original dialogue in that scene, before the changes, and is just one example of how much that representation meant to more than just me to see:

That said, Halsin is trauma recovery goals for me absolutely. Being able to remember without actually being triggered? Being able to fully and freely engage HOW ID LIKE TO instead of being fettered by trauma responses? Goals. I don’t know if I’ll ever get there 100%, we don’t get elven lifetimes irl, but his level of healing brings me hope.

Ultimately, this post is not meant to argue that you should agree with me that one is better than the other. More so, I want to highlight that this existed — for many people, this was their experience of events and characters, and that is not so easily redacted. And I also want to just state, for the record, that Larian's way of approaching narrative and characterization changes to their full-release game has been incredibly frustrating. I did not agree, in August, to play an Early Access game with the inherent understanding that any potential narrative aspect might change at any time. I purchased a full-release game, and immersed myself in the story and the characters, to get to know them as the writers had originally presented.

And when Larian makes these changes based on fan feedback, they are explicitly making decisions about which fans matter, and specifically, which fans matter most. Rather than allowing everyone to experience the story they decided to tell, and draw from it what they take away, and let that spark discussion and engagement, they made the decision to defer to some fans over others, and prioritize their experience of the narrative — something that, no matter how well-intended, is always going to leave a bitter taste in my mouth.

[ikroah]

Wherever I have gone, wherever I've been and gone, wherever I have gone, the blues are all the same —“Blues Run the Game,” Jackson C. Frank (1965)

It Keeps Right On a-Hurtin’ #23 - Ring-a-Ding-Ding II

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Notes / Original Pencils / Transcript:

Notes:

Let’s talk about two things.

The first thing is burnout. It’s hilarious in retrospect that the notes on the previous issue open with an apology that it’s been three months since the preceding issue, which given that this current hiatus lasted six months, lmao. As I’ve mentioned before and elsewhere, shortly after completing the previous issue of IKROAH, the toll of working on it and other projects so industrially for two years finally caught up with me, and by May I basically had a kind of flip turn where suddenly, I could not stand my own art. More than that, I was repulsed by the very act of drawing, of making. Too many self-imposed deadlines, too many long nights churning comics out in as few sessions of work as possible, too many other things that I wasn’t giving myself enough time for. Something had to give, and when it did, I could barely hold a pencil for months without just getting really angry. I wish that I could say that there was something specific that I did to overcome this feeling, but there wasn’t: I can only attribute wanting to draw again to spending a long time not drawing at all, a time in which I tried to basically forget through disuse all of the bad habits that I’d ingrained about making myself make art. Art is an important hobby and creative outlet to me, but sometimes, you really just need to step away from something for a relatively long time so that you can come back to it with a much healthier mindset. And that’s what I’ve done. Thank you all for being so patient with me during IKROAH’s first real hiatus. There have been “hiatuses” in the past but, for example, one thing that I definitely had to strip out of myself was the anxiety and the guilt that I would feel when IKROAH would go on “hiatus” because more than three weeks or so passed between issues. I had myself on an absolutely insane production schedule for no reason except believing that getting every issue out as fast as possible was paramount. When I first began this comic with issue #1, I thought I could do one issue every two weeks. This was colossally stupid and going in as naive as I did with this mindset was like ingesting a slow-acting poison. IKROAH issues come out whenever they come out and that’s that from now on, and I feel silly because no reader of the comic has ever acted entitled to anything but that anyway.

The second thing I want to talk about is my art itself. My burnout had a point, especially with IKROAH, which is that there are some things about my art that is very frustrating. Did you know that the reason that IKROAH pages are the size that they are (1080 x 1678 px) is because I draw them two-per-sheet-of-paper at 13cm x 21cm each, and 1080 pixels is twice the width of the (possibly outdated) maximum display width of an inline image on the dashboard, and a height of 1678 pixels matches the aspect ratio of the best way that I could digitize my images at the time, which was by taking a picture of my art the best that I could with my phone in good lighting? This was the standard that I set for myself in summer of 2020 and for some reason I decided that it was etched in stone. I made some small improvements over time, such as finally buying a scanner sometime around IKROAH #12, and then changing IKROAH’s dialogue font and switching to digital paneling in #22, but this is going to be the final issue that abides by that old, absurdly small page size. I have finally reached my breaking point in this issue with how it completely prevents me from drawing fine or distant detail, so this is the final issue that is going to be at this size. Were it not for the fact that pre-burnout I hadn’t already drawn the first two pages of this issue and had formatted the paneling and lettering already for this specific size, I probably would have gone bigger already!

IKROAH has been, for the most part, an artistic playground where I’ve honed my skills and experimented with the comic book form gleefully. Compare the art from the first few issues with the more recent ones to see that development in action. But for all of this development and experimentation, why have I felt like page size is unassailable? I can’t tell you for sure what the “new” page size is going to be, because while I have a larger size in mind, it’s another experiment, not a promise of consistency. I used to think that it was easier and faster to work small because smaller art meant less art, but I’m finally sure that it’s more trouble than it’s worth. Now, I’m extremely excited for what a much larger canvas will mean for the look of the comic, and for the rest of Volume 2, I’m sure that you’ll be able to see me experimenting artistically in some way with every issue.

Original Pencils

Unfortunately, due to the way in which this issue was inked, I don’t have the complete original pencils to share with you! I would draw and ink panels one-by-one instead of penciling the whole page first. This is because I my burnout was actually triggered, essentially, by fucking up the inks on the first page after penciling it and feeling sure that I would have to redraw it, and that making me so mad that I couldn’t bear to reapproach my art at all. I didn’t want to make that mistake again, so I went through the rest of the pages with a lot more caution. Still, I can show you some scans.

One major thing that made working on all but the first two pages was finally investing in real non-copy blue pencils instead of blue colored pencils. Real non-copy blue pencils lack the waxiness of colored pencils, making them draw much lighter, erase much cleaner, and generally behave much more like regular pencils that just happen to be blue. It’s been a godsend for my ability to ink more expressively, and I’m experimenting with inking and coloring styles are going to be my favorite part of the rest of Volume 2, because I think that that is something that I want to overhaul the most.

Also, one funny thing: if there was a significant reason why I made Benny’s suite number 1007, I have forgotten it. Just like how I must have forgotten in the writing and penciling of this issue that Benny’s suite is canonically on the thirteenth floor. Oops! Well, not in this canon it’s not.

I do have one complete pencil sketch to show you: IKROAH’s first ever two-page spread! Bang!

Transcript

EXT. THE TOPS CASINO, NEW VEGAS. The Tops’ signature sign shines brightly outside the entrance, brightly even for Vegas.

INT. THE TOPS CASINO, NEW VEGAS. Casino guests hustle and bustle around the main floor, checking in, heading to and from the cashier on the second floor, and mingling. Leaning against a rail overlooking the slightly sunken gaming area is AGNES SANDS. She stares intently and furiously toward the back of the room, where an older man is laughing with a younger man. The younger man is drinking a martini, wears a black-and-white checked suit jacket, and is oblivious to her presence.

AGNES thinks to herself as she watches him.

Hello, Benny.

Her eye narrows.

You’d think that getting shot in the head would be the worst thing to ever happen to somebody, but at this point in my life, I’m genuinely not sure.

On the casino floor, a RED-HAIRED WOMAN seems to accidentally bump into BENNY from behind, knocking his drink out of his hand. It shatters on the ground, and he turns angrily to face her.

When I was six years old, my father died from a bad fall. He was a caravaneer, so they never shipped his body home.

ROSE OF SHARON CASSIDY stands in front of Benny, clutching a nearly empty glass of whiskey. She raises her hand up to her faced, shocked and embarrassed. BENNY is just as surprised, and even more so when CASS takes his face in one hand and suggests that he come with her to refill her glass.

My mom was our town’s doctor, so after that, she decided to apprentice me as her nurse. I was still just a kid.

She was right to do it. It takes a long time to learn medicine, and it’s a useful skill. She knew it’d do me good.

CASS hurriedly leads BENNY by the hand toward the casino bar. As the pair brush past AGNES, she pickpockets BENNY’s key, and holds it up to glean the room number from its tag: 1007. Satisfied, she drops the key on the ground, and heads for the elevators. Just behind her, CASS points out that BENNY seems to have dropped his keys, and he reacts with relief.

But she was hard, as a teacher. Maybe even more so as a mother. Maybe she had to be.

AGNES’ elevator slowly ascends. First floor to the tenth.

Maybe I wouldn’t have started messing around with locks if I didn’t get it in my head to act so damn rebellious later on. I broke in somewhere I shouldn’t have. Found something I shouldn’t have. I was thirteen.

I had to put my own face back together right there on the concrete floor. Held it in place with duct tape, and two-hundred year old bandages. Pre-war.*

*As depicted in IKROAH #7 and the IKROAH Vol. 1 Special Delivery companion story, “Scar Tissue.”

Ding! The elevator arrives and the door opens.

I still can’t even shave without getting a cold sweat.

Back on the casino floor, CASS and BENNY have it it off. They’re smiling and laughing at the bar, several drinks deep.

Meanwhile, AGNES stalks toward Room 1007.

My mom was happy I was alive, but didn’t care whether I was okay, if that makes sense. She was always like that.

It’s why we fought when she found out about...me, when the changes from the hormones I’d been sneaking got...unignorable.

The lock is easy to pick for practiced hands. It opens with a CLICK. The door swings open and AGNES stands in the doorway, assessing the area.

I wonder what your mother would think of this. What she must have been like. Whether she’s even alive now. I wonder if she loved you, her baby boy, a killer in cold blood.

Eventually, we fought. Physically, I mean. It was a long time coming. I hit her hard, once, and that was it. It was over.

I don’t think I’ll ever forget what that felt like. Maybe I’m not one to talk.

Time passes.

BENNY returns to his suite and puts his keys in the lock.

I ran away to the NCR after that. I was an adult now, and had to start over. And I needed skills that my mom couldn’t have taught me. I thought I’d be a combat medic, out in the field. But no. No, no. Of course not.

BENNY opens his door, looking exhausted and covered in kiss marks. Looks like somebody really wore him out. He shuffles over to his bedroom.

They shipped me to some do-nothing recon station way up north in California, near Gecko. And from the minute I set foot there, my C.O. fucking hated me.

He abused me, berated me, blamed me, because I took his old friend’s position or something. Stupid petty bullshit like that.

I think that he was sabotaging my medical supplies. Messing with my work, trying to get me discharged.

There’s no other way he could have found my estrogen from home.

BENNY undresses in his bedroom, and then flops onto his bed.

Just another thing for him to scream at me about. Or it would have been.

AGNES enters the bedroom.

Never got any military police after me when I attacked him with a scalpel that night and ran.

Maybe he couldn’t cover up his own bullshit well enough, so he just kept his mouth shut. Doesn’t matter. Lucky me.

AGNES rifles through BENNY’s jacket, which he hung on a coatrack near the door.

I ran to New Reno. I’d deserted. The only job I could get was at a charity clinic run by one of the crime families there, and it was dismal. I couldn’t afford to live.

So I started picking locks again. Pockets, too. Got real good at it, too. You’d know.

AGNES’ eyes fixate on something. She’s pulled it out of his coat.

I was stealing to survive. Same dance, different song. Nevermind my hormones, I needed food and shelter. I’d never felt lower.

The Platium Chip.

I was casing one of the casinos there when I saw a man get glassed. I was still a doctor. Still had that oath. So I went to work, and saved the man’s life right there. His name was Yancy Bishop and he made my life a living hell for six long years.*

*IKROAH #12.

Until I killed him.

Something else catches AGNES’ attention in BENNY’s bedroom. Something on his nightstand. A gun.

He came to me helpless in surgery and I ripped him apart from the inside out, thrilled, exhilarated, terrified of myself.

AGNES approaches the nightstand. She picks up the gun.

And after that...I ran away again. Ran until I got to the Mojave. Ran until I fumbled into being a courier. Making deliveries, always running, but not a doctor anymore, not stealing to survive, just some stability in my life for once. For once. And then:

It’s the same gun that BENNY shot her with.

She turns to face BENNY.

You.

AGNES removes the 9mm bullet that she has been wearing around her neck since she left Goodsprings; a bullet made partly from the lead that was fished out of her own skull.

You are not special.

She loads the gun. As quietly as she can.

I’ve been dealing with people like you my entire life. My mother. My C.O. The Bishops...

...your Khans, McLafferty, the Van Graffs...have I killed more people in the last week than you have in your whole...

AGNES approaches BENNY’s bed. She gets one shot.

...was I the only one, Benny? And you couldn’t even do it right. I clawed out. An ugly life, too ugly to kill, even with a gun to my head. Your gun. This gun.

She raises the gun. She aims with both hands. Bodies are easier to hit than bottles.

Rigged from the start—is that what you’d said? You piece of shit. You look like you have everything, have been given everything. So you just had to rub it in, that night. Didn’t you.

AGNES scowls. Her brow furrows with rage.

Always been too big of a target. Too tall, too wide, too mannish. Never been beautiful. Never even got to be handsome, like you. Then you shoot my eye out, butcher me even more—and all for what? A mail-order tchotchke!?

The gun gleams in the sparse light.

I’m going to fucking kill you.

AGNES’ expression shifts.

I’ve killed so many people to get to you.

Her hands start to shake. The gun is heavy in them.

And...and now I’m going to kill you.

Sweat is beading on her face.

Because of what you did to me. Because I can’t sleep at night. Because of you. I don’t sleep, most nights, because of you.

AGNES grimaces as her whole body trembles.

So I’ll kill you, with the fucking gun you killed me with, then I won’t be so...

The gun. The gun. The gun--

I’ll...I’m—

Her eye is wide with terror.

Oh God.

AGNES stands alone in the dark in the bedroom of the man that she has planned to kill. The gun is in her hands. Tears stream down her face, frozen in grief. The gun is in her hands.

BENNY is awake. He has been awake. He is sitting up in his bed. He is staring at her staring at him.

The gun is in her hands.

AGNES fires the gun.

SFX: BANG

[idealnreal]

Maruki palace overanalysis part III

Thanks to @appleyjuiceboy​ for helping with the insanity, and @goalexstark for requesting. Part I, Part II. Really long post ahead. Lots of feels.

Back into the palace monitoring room, the cables are gone. From this point on, we will encounter six journal pages, four memory rooms, and three will seeds. According to Morgana, Maruki likely never intended the memories to be seen. Will seeds are mini treasures -- aka sources of distortion. While the journal pages, like all diaries, are meant to be private. We have come to the depths of his psyche-- perhaps manifesting beliefs that he is not fully conscious of, or tries to keep hidden from others. And in this second-third of the palace (starting from the cables to the garden puzzle) we also see his systematic view of the world in full force. This will be a long post.

So starting with this first part, we come to a dimly lit corridor with similarly dimly lit rooms full of filing cabinets and mini monitoring rooms with circular stations. In one of the filing cabinet rooms, we find the first journal entry. Before we get into the text, it’s interesting to note that the journals are signified by a mess of papers strewn about, with the metaverse logo sorta watermarked over it. We will see the same sort of mess again in the memory rooms. For someone who is quite calm, organised and systematic, these messes always signal something important or emotional for him. One can imagine Maruki, flustered and upset, searching for something, throwing the papers around.

The first journal entry is found sticking out of some filing drawer. The text is as follows:

“ Feb. 2. Tomorrow is Rumi’s birthday. I’ll be meeting her parents … My hands have been shaking an awful lot lately. Will they let their daughter marry a low-level researcher like me? Now I’m getting even more anxious… When I told Rumi how nervous I’m getting, she just laughed and said I think too much. She may not have understood my problem, but I do so love her laugh. I don’t think I’ll be able to sleep with my nerves like this, but I need to lie down anyway. I’ve been getting the worst headaches lately… I might be pushing myself too hard for this thesis. I just really want to be in top form tomorrow. I know this diary was originally just for research notes, but now I hope I can look back at it with Rumi someday and feel nostalgic.”

When Maruki set the February 3rd deadline, he said that this was the day “ I lost everything that mattered to me,”. Rumi and her parents were attacked on the night of her birthday, and on the night they announced their engagement to her parents. The night that was supposed to be happy and full of hope for the future became the worst possible night of his life.

Maruki seems to suffer from some anxiety -- but of course any person would have nerves before announcing an engagement. He’s worried that he isn’t good enough for Rumi or her parents. That they wouldn’t accept him as a son-in-law, or as part of the family because of his occupation and standing.

It also seems that even at this point, he has started to awaken to his persona, with the headaches and shaking hands. This is interesting because within this game’s logic the person needs to have at least some interaction with the Metaverse and have a will of rebellion to awaken to their persona -- or to even start awakening to it. He was already working on cognitive pscience at this point, and he was aware of the potential benefits of it’s use -- as a form of psychiatric therapy. He was already rejecting the status quo of life and of his field -- there was another way, a more effective way, to heal people. And it’s also possible that this note is hinting that he has had some fleeting interaction with the Metaverse. Afterall, we see that people who first enter the Metaverse experience headaches. But the game doesn’t give any more hints on this.  

The second journal note is also within the same area, near what looks to be some kind of video tape archive. The note reads:

“ Apr. 9. I just can’t believe what’s happened. I’ll never see Rumi’s parents again… I don’t even know if Rumi will ever come back to me. Her heart’s been completely closed off ever since that day. Why did this happen? What did Rumi do to deserve this? Do we really have to go on suffering these consequences? My headaches are getting worse -- I’m even starting to hear things. Am I having some kind of breakdown? I can’t lose it … I have to do something to help Rumi.”

This entry is dated two months after the incident. We don’t see any entry in between, or any hint or any other expansion into what really happened during the incident. As far as we are told by Maruki himself is that it was a burglary that killed two people and maimed a third. Which to me, is highly suspicious. Burglars would not kill, not even when they are desperate. And it’s even more unlikely in Japan with one of the world’s lowest murder rates.

We know for a fact that Maruki tends to lie or wave away details when it comes to his own past and own feelings. Like when Ryuji asked him if highschool is when he first found romance, and when Maruki said that he and Rumi just broke up because he was ‘spineless’. I suspect there is a lot more about this incident that Maruki isn’t admitting to us-- but neither the palace nor the game ever explains it. (I have a theory, but that’s for another day).

If there is more to it than a burglary, it’s very likely that he’s suppressed it so much and hid it away somewhere that we never get to access. It’s also telling that all references to the incident are all in relation to Rumi’s pain and how it was she who suffered that night. He never even admits that he too lost something that night, and is still suffering from the trauma.

So the two months between the entries as well as the opening two lines, also signal that he was indeed traumatised by it. It’s not hard to imagine that in those two months, he couldn’t process what happened, and even by April, he still questions accepting reality. He also thinks that he’s having a breakdown -- and one doesn’t need to be a psychiatrist to know that when one starts having auditory hallucinations, it means something is really wrong in the brain department. Of course, we can infer that these hallucinations are Azathoth trying to manifest, but as far as Maruki knew, he was indeed losing it. But he forces himself to pull it together, to suppress this pain and to hide his symptoms, for Rumi -- and for his research.

It is likely that he avoided getting help or admitting that he was suffering from migraines and hallucinations. The chances of his research being funded, accepted, and published, all hinges on his reputation as a researcher. And unfortunately, as much as Japan has come a long way -- it is still detrimental to any professional to be diagnosed with a mental disorder. We also know that at this point he was already looking for funders and backers for his research -- reputation becomes everything.

We come to a room that looks like a server room, and this is where his first will seed is. The server room is a mess of tendrils and cables -- while the door itself is barred by a holographic lock, and some branch-like tendrils. The ‘flower’ looking textures that surround the door are holograms again of what looks like circuits.

Voice tracks will usually play upon opening a will seed door, which is usually the palace ruler reinforcing their distortion, and Maruki’s voice track is one of the more audible ones. The tracks will play randomly for each door, so there’s no order to things. Thanks to Jester for making out what they say:

“R-Rumi… I-I…”

“No matter what I need to do… I’ll reach my goal.”

“What can I do to make you understand?”

“What’s wrong with an alternate reality if everyone is happy?”

“I’m so close… just a little further…!”

“Just a little more… and everyone will be happy…”

“Why… why can’t we come to an agreement…?”

The man is tired, and he’s pushing himself to keep going. Some of the tracks are also questions, probably in response to Joker and the Phantom Thieves, trying to reason with them.

Moving on from this, we find more monitoring rooms, with lots of screens, cables, and glass floors that look down into what looks to be server rooms. The rooms are typically dark, illuminated only by the neon teal lights and screens.

We also then come across the first locked gate, with an authentication question. The fact that these gates require the intruder to at the very least know some parts of his past -- signify that he does want people to understand him and where he’s coming from, as uncomfortable as it is. This is especially important given how closed off he was about his past prior to this-- represented by the fact that the only way you can get these answers is watching memory tapes that, according to Morgana, are likely memories he has tried to suppress. Speaking of which…

Before we go into the memory itself, I want to note the design of these rooms. As highlighted before, messes like strewn paper, disorganised shelves, represent something emotional or upsetting for him. And no better is that demonstrated than in these memory rooms. Papers are strewn, filing boxes and books are stacked haphazardly, filing baskets and stools lay toppled. There is no clear organisation or consistency in these rooms -- and it looks as if someone had come in, thrown everything around, as if searching.

These rooms look very old-school research rooms and are lit only by an old CRTV -- in direct contrast to the high-tech aesthetic the rest of the palace has. And most of all these rooms look abandoned and forgotten. These rooms hint at the core of his self -- before he became obsessed with healing the world, the self that was confused and lost after the Incident.

It’s also interesting to note the fact that his memories play on the very small CRTV -- while in comparison earlier Sumire’s memories played on a wide screen LCD TV. He puts even more distance with his own (grainy) memories than the memories of someone else.

Okay, now we get to the first memory tape.

It starts off in Rumi’s hospital room. And from a later journal entry, we know that this is at least sometime in August, which means its been six months since the Incident, and four months since Takuto began to write in his journal again. Rumi is in a catatonic state, and it seems that she is somewhat responsive -- even if she can’t speak or move much.

Takuto is trying to cheer her up by suggesting that he bring her snacks and flowers. His tone is cheerful and gentle, knowing that Rumi can understand him -- but is simply unable to respond or speak. He knows she’s traumatised, so much to a point that she’s too scared to move. He’s trying to show her that it’s safe, and most importantly, that he’s there for her. Being an empath, loving her as much as he does -- this would’ve been incredibly painful for him. But for her sake, he tries to smile.

He then goes into telling her what’s been going on in his life, and explaining his research and how he wants to use it. From this, we know at least one of the first uses he envisioned for cognitive pscience was to stop crime before it’s committed, by changing distorted cognitions that lead people to doing bad things. He wants to make sure what happened to Rumi would never happen to anyone else. This is perhaps going one step further than what the PT are doing. Yes they’re both stopping criminals, but in Takuto’s conception -- it’s stopping crimes before there are any victims, rather than waiting for victims to be created.

He also tells her that there are some potential investors into his research, and that theres a chance that research into cognitive pscience will be properly funded. He’s excited for it because it is the first step to bringing cognitive pscience into real practical use. This also hints that at least for the past few months, he’s been working on his research again -- and trying to hide his symptoms (re: hallucinations, migraines) because he’s actively looking for funders.

He tells her that the ‘culprit’ has been caught and that she doesn’t need to worry anymore. He then mentions ‘Family’, and Rumi responds to that, repeating ‘Family’, then ‘Takuto’. As far as we can tell, these together seem to be her triggers -- and she’s sent into a PTSD episode. She yells for her parents to be given back, and cries out for them. Takuto tries to calm her down, but is unable to until the nurses arrive and (probably) sedate her.

This is another hint that the Incident was more than a simple burglary -- and somehow Takuto was more involved in the Incident than simply a bystander who couldn’t protect her when the burglar ‘was trying to escape’. And it’s also suggested that during this Incident, Rumi’s parents were being held -- perhaps as hostages?

I have a theory that the Incident was really more of an attempted assassination of Takuto -- very likely by Shido (who we know does know of Takuto’s research). While we don’t know the exact years the Incident took place -- from the journal notes, we can safely say its AT LEAST two years prior to the start of the game. I would go further to say that this was before Wakaba’s death or even Goro’s awakening, because it seems that Shido doesn’t yet have the power to cause mental shutdowns. And because of that, he’s would try the old fashioned way to shut Takuto’s research down.

However, instead of killing Takuto, Rumi and her parents suffered. It’s also interesting to note --IF this theory is true -- why Takuto was left alive. But thats pure hc territory which i’ll leave for another time.

Also another hint to support this is basically other hints that Takuto -- like Sumire-- suffers from survivor’s guilt. He even mentions it when speaking to Joker and Goro in the beginning of the palace. It’s also hinted by the fact that Takuto has managed to change Sumire’s cognition so drastically that even he was surprised. This was because of how she spoke, and how she suffered from intense survivor’s guilt. But i’ll get into this more when we get to the third memory tape.

The doctor explains to Takuto that she was triggered, and Takuto knew that it was his own words that triggered her. He apologised for it -- and muses that she needs to be ‘set free from that horrible tragedy’. It’s at this point that his migraines return and he hears a voice. Then, Rumi starts to speak, “Takuto … Please… Stop this. I … Want to… forget,”

Rumi made her wish, and Takuto began to understand how exactly cognitive pscience can make that possible. And again, he hears the voice, clearer this time -- enough for him to understand and respond to it. In that moment, desperate to put an end to Rumi’s pain, to fulfil her wish -- he agrees to Azathoth (perhaps forming a contract and semi-awakening to Azathoth). In the Japanese audio version, he actually screams this part. Oof.

In an instant, her cognition is changed and she wakes up as a different Rumi -- a Rumi who’s parents had died when she was young, who lived with her grandparents, and therefore, a Rumi who has never met or grown up with Takuto. She’s forgotten everything that caused her pain before.

Takuto, shocked at this, begins to fumble around for a cover story -- trying to explain to this new Rumi why he was in her room and why he knew her name. Despite the dawning realisation that she has truly forgotten him, he tries to be cheerful and plays it off when she shows concern for him. He would do anything to make her happy, and anything to preserve her happiness, even if it is horribly painful for him.

The interaction ends when Rumi asks why he won’t be visiting again and “what about your girlfriend?”, and he replies by “She … passed away,” In this moment, Rumi’s portrait disappears from the text box -- signifying a stark break in Takuto’s perception of her. The Rumi he knew and loved really has passed away, and this -- he convinces himself-- is another Rumi. A Rumi that he must not see again.

He stands to leave, telling her that he hopes she feels better soon and “ I know the people who care about you wish the same”.

So for him, just as his life was starting to get back together after the literal worst night ever -- just as his research was starting to get funders -- he loses his fiance and long time love. This follows the same pattern as before, where the night of the incident was supposed to be a happy night where their engagement is announced, followed by a horrible attack and murder (possible assassination attempt on his life too). But that’s allright, hes NOT in pain!!! and suspicious of any good thing that comes his way!! because now, she can be happy. And that was more important than his own happiness!!! 

Oof. Okay this got long and heavy. Gonna end this here ! Stay tuned for part 4.

[the-uninformed-zennial]

Series: Dick’s Apartment

Chapter 1: Jason

Warnings: Mild swearing (because, you know, it’s Jason Todd)

Preface/introduction:

The first family member to stay the night at Dick’s apartment was Jason Todd, the new Robin. The new Dick. Or so the former protege had felt upon discovering that Batman’s sidekick was still active on the streets of Gotham and Bruce Wayne had gained a new ward. He didn’t speak to Bruce for about six months after that, and even after they finally had a conversation about what happened, it took him a while to be able to show his face around the manor. But once he got over himself, he found that Jason was actually a pretty cool kid. So, when Bruce found himself called off world for some league business while Alfred was sick, Dick didn’t entirely mind watching the little punk for the weekend...

Now the actual story...

Bruce dropped him off on the sidewalk in the late afternoon, barely giving the kid enough time to grab his backpack and cell phone before speeding off towards the nearest Zeta tube. Typical. Why bother waiting for your babysitter when the world was at stake? Whatever. Jason could take care of himself just fine, better than fine. I mean, he was fucking Robin. He took care of Batman when the situation called for it. Screw Bruce for even thinking he needed to be watched. Screw Dick for agreeing. He unzipped his backpack just enough to reach inside and touch the hem of his Robin suit. He was going on patrol, and he would just love to see Nightwing try and stop him. He slung his worn red backpack onto his shoulder and turned his phone’s location off, but just as he was about to bolt, he felt a warm hand grab his shoulder.

“Hey man, I was just on my way out.” Dick’s knowing smile just made Jason want to punch him in the face, “Looks like you were too. Wanna grab some pizza before you get both of us in trouble?”

“Fuck you man.” Jason spat.

Dick tightened his grip on Jason’s shoulder and pulled him into the doorway of the apartment building, away from the street and prying ears.

“Look, I get the whole tough guy act and needing to prove yourself to Bruce thing, okay? Been there, done that, got the t-shirt. But if you take to the streets before I’ve even had the chance to put some food in you I have a feeling Batman’s no-kill rule will be temporarily suspended. So, we can either do this the easy way, or we can break out in a brawl in the middle of the street, which do you prefer?”

As much as Jason would love to see if he could beat Dick in combat, he did have a point. Bruce would be pissed if Jason ran off before even giving Dick a chance, and pizza before patrol didn’t sound like the worst thing he could think of.

“Fine.”

“Great,” Dick’s smile returned to his face almost as quickly as it had disappeared, “just let me get my coat and we'll be on our way.”

Jason slumped up against the side of the building and whipped out his phone in response. By the time Dick came back downstairs he had already beat a new level in the stupid numbers game Bruce made him download to “build his deductive reasoning skills” or whatever. Dick was such a priss, sauntering down the staircase in a leather jacket that looked like it had just come off the manufacturers belt, while still having the audacity to refute Jason’s whispered taunt of “spoiled brat” with a, “then what does that make you?” in reply.

The pair decided to use a shortcut Dick had recently discovered that supposedly made the trip take half as long as usual. It cut through a couple of alleys, but what was the harm, I mean, they were Nightwing and Robin, afterall. Just as the thought crossed Jason's mind, he heard the click of a gun hammer pulled back.

“Stop.” came the growl from a voice behind them.

Dick quickly gave Jason a look that said to just play along. They reluctantly stopped.

“Turn around.” Man this guy was cocky. “Empty your pockets.” Jason almost felt bad for him.

But just as he was about to show this punk who was boss, Dick grabbed his arm, and he noticed that he had all his valuables laying out in front of him. Was he serious? Dick could take this guy down in his sleep, and yet he was just gonna roll over and give him whatever he wanted. No way. Then he caught a look at the guy. He wasn’t so much of a guy as a kid, a kid who didn’t look much older than Jason was when Batman found him trying to lift the tires off the batmobile. Not much older than Jason was when… no, he wouldn’t go there. Suffice it to say, life on the streets was hard enough. This kid didn’t need to be ruffed up by two literal superheroes, he needed a sandwich. Maybe two. So, reluctantly, Jason unbuckled his watch and took his phone out of his back pocket. There really wasn’t anything else of value he had brought with him.

The kid peered around the barrel of his gun, inspecting the pile, then motioned at Jason, “Backpack too.”

Shit. The backpack, the backpack with his Robin suit inside. Which, if found, would totally ruin the whole secret identity thing. Did Dick know? He glanced up at him, and yeah, he knew. Fuck, mental note, find a better way to sneak the Robin suit in and out of the cave. Jason subconsciously gripped the backpack more tensely.

“Uh,” Dick spoke up, thank god, “I don’t think you actually want that. See, my brother here was going to spend the night at my house so it’s just filled with an extra change of clothes and a toothbrush. Nothing valuable there.”

Jason could have facepalmed, right then and there. Dick obviously knew nothing about what was and was not valuable to a kid on the streets, because honestly, two years ago Jason would’ve killed to find a backpack filled with an extra pair of clothes and a toothbrush. Those things were hard to come by. And also, did he seriously just call him his brother?

Sure enough the kid motioned with his free hand, “Hand it over.”

Jason tried to hide the panic that was slowly spreading across his face, but Dick was too perceptive and he knew it. Fuck him. He was not handing the bag over, no matter what the little punk threatened. Somehow, Dick seemed to know that because before Jason could make a move, Dick had already done some crazy ass acrobatic flip that simultaneously knocked the kid out and disarmed him.

“How the hell--?” The words just kinda slipped out before Jason even realized what he was saying, “...Bruce is seriously holding out on me.”

Dick just smiled while he picked the gun up off the ground and put a twenty in the kid’s half opened hand.

As they began to pick up their valuables, he leaned over and whispered, “You know I was in the circus right?”

“Yeah?”

“And I was Robin for about a decade”

“Where are you going with this?”

The smile somehow glinted in his eyes, “Batman didn’t teach me that one. I created it myself.”

It took all Jason’s willpower to not drop his mouth wide open. How was that even possible? I mean, the mechanics of the move, how Dick had to launch his body upward just the right amount so that he could come down on the attacker’s hands and face with just enough force to cause them to release the weapon before firing, it was insane! Jason had to learn it. Just as he opened his mouth to ask, Dick raised his hand in silence.

“After pizza.”

So that’s what they did. They must’ve spent a good three hours at the local park just trying to get Jason to launch himself high enough in the air. As much as he hated to admit it, Dick was a lot more agile and Jason was quickly tiring out. After about the 500th failure, Jason lost it. He didn’t know what came over him, but the next thing he knew he was picking up the pieces of his broken phone off the sidewalk. Shit. Shit, Bruce was gonna be so pissed.

“Hey man,” Dick started.

God his cheerful attitude was starting to get really fucking old. Dick Grayson. The first Robin. The prodigal son. The dude who started beating up bad guys before he had even shaved for the first time. Dick Grayson who could fling himself in the air all day long and barely break a sweat. Dick Grayson, the guy he was just subbing in for.

Before Jason even realized what was happening, he felt his curled fist impact the side of Dick face. Dick stepped back a few paces, and instinctively hunched into his fighting stance while inspecting his face for blood. Jason was proud to say there were a few drops, thanks to a ring on his middle finger.

“What the fuck?” He asked, clearly confused.

“Just stay the hell away from me, okay?” Jason said quite a bit louder than he had intended, “I don’t need your help. I’m perfectly capable of taking care of myself.”

“I never said that you weren’t.” Dick dropped his stance. “Look, maybe we should take a break.”

A break. Yeah, right. Jason Todd, the kid who couldn’t even make it through an afternoon of training without having a complete meltdown. No way was Bruce not going to hear about this. With the way things were going, he’d probably be taken off patrol for at least a week. No. He wouldn’t let that happen. All he had to do was convince Dick that he was fine, he was better than fine, he was the real Robin.

Jason took another swing, and this time, Dick was expecting it. He grabbed Jason’s outstretched arm and twisted it behind his back. But before he could get the hold fully secured, Jason took his free arm and elbowed him right in the stomach, the diaphragm, if Dick’s sudden fit of coughing was any indication. This gave Jason enough time to yank his hand free of Dick’s grasp and try to land another blow. He decided to go for a kick to the right knee, a weak spot of Batman’s former protege he had learned about while reviewing old video tapes for training. But Dick saw it coming. Before Jason even had time to think, Dick had already grabbed his outstretched leg and knocked him off balance, causing him to fall into the soft dirt around them. Jason kicked and flailed, trying to get his leg free, but it didn’t work, and soon Dick was on top of him, pinning him to the ground.

Jason knew if he tried he could get free eventually, but after a while he just stopped. What was the point anyway? Surely Dick was going to call Batman as soon as he was back on world and tell him everything. He’d recommend Jason give back the Robin suit and retire from the vigilante business because he couldn’t handle the stress of learning a new trick. Then he’d be back on the streets, because what use would Bruce Wayne have for him if he couldn’t fight crime? At least this time he’d know how to defend himself.

Jason didn’t even realize he had started to cry until he was being held in Dick’s arms. It was strange and incredibly uncomfortable to be held by someone that was nearly his own size, but Dick was soft and warm and would not let go. So Jason just sat there frozen, tears silently running down his face as he tried desperately to hide the fact that he was terrified of what was going to happen to him now.

The two boys stayed there like that for a few minutes, until Jason had softened enough to meld into Dick’s arms a little, and the latest wave of tears had come and gone. When Dick finally did let go, Jason scrambled back up onto his feet, and wiped away any trace that he had cried in the first place. Then turned a stony gaze at Dick.

“Don’t tell Bruce.” He glared.

“Tell him what?” Dick asked innocently.

There he was, being a prick again. Jason glanced around the park that was now well covered in darkness looking for a space to stare at that wasn’t Dick. Anywhere but Dick.

“That I failed.”

“Excuse me?” Dick’s tone was sarcastic and somewhat offended. “Did you just say you failed?”

Jason nodded ever so slightly.

“Okay, no.” He sighed in a manner eerily similar to Bruce. “Jace, it takes time to master a move like this, like an insane amount of time, like years. You had three hours in a playground and you’ve already got the basic motor functions of the move down. I don’t know about you, but I call that impressive.”

Jason looked cautiously into Dick’s eyes, could he really mean what he was saying? “But then why did you say I should take a break?”

“Because I could see you were getting to the end of your rope. I mean, you threw your phone on the ground and punched me in the face. If that’s not a clear indication someone needs a break, then I don’t know what is.” He smiled reassuringly.

“So you aren’t going to tell Bruce what happened?”

“I mean, I don’t really think there’s anything he needs to know about, do you?”

Jason allowed the phantom of a smile to creep up on his face, “Not unless you can’t handle being punched in the face by your little brother.”

“Brother, huh?”

“Your words, not mine.”

Dick laughed, “Okay then, brother, what do you say we go get a movie and eat some popcorn? I’ve had enough training tonight.”

Jason narrowed his eyes, “Fine. But only if it’s horror.”

Dick just smiled and put his arm around his little brother’s shoulder as they walked out of the park and back to the apartment.

The boys stayed up well into the night, mostly mocking the movie they chose for it’s subpar acting and special effects quality. It was one of those “classic” horror movies that everyone has to see at least once in their lives, so of course it sucked. Still, Jason could honestly say it was the most fun he’d had in years. Dick was definitely an asshole, but despite his better judgement, he couldn’t help thinking that maybe, just maybe, Dick wasn’t as big a dick as he thought.

[everlarkficexchange]

When you were mine

Archive Warning:  No Archive Warnings Apply

Fandom: Hunger Games

Relationship: Katniss Everdeen/Peeta Mellark

Characters: Katniss Everdeen, Peeta Mellark, Johanna Mason, Finnick Odair, other characters.

Everlark Fic Exchange 2020

Prompt 20: Peeta is the CEO and katniss is his secretary. They have an affair and katniss gets pregnant but when she tells peeta he doesn’t believe her and accuse her of trying to trap him. What will he do when he realize his mistake and how will he win katniss back. [submitted by anonymous]

Written by @pitualba2015​

Peeta

Peeta was on his laptop going through some documents that his legal team sent him the day before. He couldn’t focus on them because of her, Katniss.

- Where are you Katniss? – It was a question he asked a hundred times every day for the last two months. The documents he was trying to read were the reason of her disappearance. It was a good deal. He finally got the properties he wanted so he could expand his company. But at a high price. He clearly remembered that morning, the last time he saw Katniss. He had been under a lot of pressure during those days. Cato Snow was pulling some under the table strings, so Snow Enterprises could get a hold on those properties.

- Damn it! I should have paid attention to the signs- He said. Katniss wasn’t well. She had been too tired, barely was eating, throwing up constantly. She really was in a bad shape. But that didn’t stop her from work and giving him all the support, she could give him.

Flashback

“- Miss Everdeen, will you please bring me the Seam contract documents- “

“- Sure Mr. Mellark- “

Once she stepped in the office, she heard him speaking with his best friend, brother in law and legal advisor Finnick Odair.

“-Are you sure we can pull this deal through? I can´t let Cato win this one. His company will gain too much power and would start monopolizing the real estate business in Panem- “

“Ok bro. I’m counting on you- “

“- The Italians will be here any minute, you better get here fast- “

Once he turns around and face her, he is badly impressed by her appearance.

“- You don’t look well Katniss. Are you still having stomach issues? -“

“-Yes, I feel like hell- “

“- Did you go to the doctor yesterday like you said you would? -“

“- Yes, Peeta- “

“- And? -“

Katniss was very nervous. He could see her hands fidgeting on her lap.

“-Katniss? -“

“-Peeta, I… I’m…Peeta, I’m pregnant- “ She blurted out.

“- WHAAT? - “He yelled so hard that everybody outside his office heard.

“- I’m six weeks pregnant – “she said in almost a whisper.

“- ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!? –“

“- Please don’t yell. I don’t want anybody in the office to start gossiping around – “

“- I thought you were on the pill –“

“- Well it turns out that it when you get antibiotics, it lowers the effects of the pill – “

“- I can’t believe it. You think that I will buy that shit you are telling me? –“

“- Peeta…- “

“- No! You are really a piece of work. What do you pretend? –“

“- I don´t…- “

“- You don’t what? You got pregnant thinking that you could catch me? -“

“- What? You really think I did it on purpose? You are a jerk! You know very well that kids were not in my near future since I wanted to go back to college and finish it. -“

“- Is that so? –“ He said mockingly.

“-Yes. But you know what? We’re done. I’m going to have this baby ALONE. So, don’t you dare get close to me ever again! – “

Katniss stood up and start walking to the door, when Rue knocked.

“- Mr. Mellark, the Italians arrived and are in the meeting room waiting for you – “

“- Thank you, Rue. Tell them I’ll be there in a minute – “

Katniss was walking to the door and before she left the office, she turned to him very calm with a steal look in her eyes that froze Peeta.

“- I meant every word I said before. We’re done Mr. Mellark. I don’t need anything from you. I’m perfectly capable to take care of myself and my baby – “  And then she left the office.

Peeta stood there for a minute before he could get a hold of himself.

”- Dammit! I need to focus on the meeting. I don’t have time for this shit! –“

He walked to the meeting room and saw Rue taking care of the Italian people. He was about to ask for Katniss when Finnick rushed in, so he decided to start the meeting.

It was 8 pm when Peeta and Finnick finally end up with an agreement that was beneficial to both parties.

“- Hey Peet, wanna go for a celebration drink? –“

“- No, thanks Finn. I have to get home and talk to Katniss. I really piss her off this time. She wasn’t taking my calls all day –“

“- What did you do this time? –“

“- Katniss is pregnant and I basically just lashed out on her and told her that she did it so to catch me –“

“- YOU DID WHAT?  ARE YOU INSANE? No wonder I saw her so messed up while I was running to the meeting room. You need to fix this right now – “

“- I know. I just was so fucking stressed and snapped against her. I have been thinking about the baby and I’m happy about it. I was going to ask her to marry me after this Seam deal finishes. I do love very much and I can see a future with her –“

“- Good to hear that bro. Now go and apologize VERY MUCH to her. Have a great make up sex. Talk to you in the morning – “

Peeta just chuckle at Finn’s words. While driving on the way to his apartment, Peeta made a couple of stops. He bought some Italian food that he knew Katniss loved and her favorite flowers.

“- Well, I hope this will calm her down enough so I can apologize thoroughly and propose her – “  He said with a grin.

He was so excited when he arrived that didn’t notice her missing car. He opened the door of the apartment and found that it was dark and empty. Katniss wasn’t there.

“- Shit! She must be at her apartment – “

Peeta ran to his car and drove to Katniss apartment. He didn’t have a place to park his car inside the building, so he didn’t know that her car wasn’t there either.

Peeta reached her apartment and was surprised to see a young couple getting in with some boxes.

“- Hi! Umm… is Katniss here? –“

“- Hi! No, she isn’t here – “

“- Do you know when she is getting back? –“

The couple looked confused to him. “- We actually don’t think she will be coming back. We bought the apartment yesterday – “

“- She sold you the apartment? –“

“- Yes – “

“- Ok, thanks. Good night – “

He was shocked. Katniss did tell him about selling the apartment. After all she was living with him and Katniss was planning in buying a house in the suburbs. “- I hope your back home – “   he thought.

She wasn’t there.

Peeta knew that when Katniss was very upset, she just needed some space and he will give her that. Peeta went to the kitchen and placed the food he bought in the fridge and walked to the bedroom. “- This is going to be a long night – “   He sighed.

Once he got into the bedroom, he knew something wasn´t right. Peeta turned the lights on and what he saw made his heart sink. Katniss took all her things and only left the jewelry he had giving her on special days. She didn’t take the dresses and other cloths he gave her. Katniss left everything he bought her. “- I meant every word I said before. We’re done Mr. Mellark. I don’t need anything from you. I’m perfectly capable to take care of myself and my baby – “    Her words came to his mind. Katniss left him and he didn’t know where she and his unborn child were.

End of flashback

“- Mr. Mellark, we will be landing in La Guardia Airport in 20 minutes. Miss Rue has sent Thresh with the company car to pick you up – “

“- Thank you, Tom – “

On the way to the office, he pulled out of his wallet a picture. It was a picture of a sonogram that was taken during Katniss doctor’s appointment.

Everdeen, Katniss

23 years old

Six weeks pregnant

He found it on the floor near the night stand. Probable it slipped out of Katniss purse while packing up as fast as she could. It was the only thing he had, that reminded him that in a few months he will be a father and didn’t know where they were.

The ringing of his cellphone took him out of his thoughts.

“- Hi, Finn. Any news? –“

“- Hi, Peet. Nothing new. She really made a good job disappearing – “

“- Yeah. At least she has enough money for her needs – “

Peeta found out that Katniss sold her apartment in a very good price. $580.000. It was in a nice neighborhood and had a good size. Plus, she had been saving money for the last two years and made some moves in the stock market that gave her good profits. Katniss end up having over 3 million dollars in her account. She had withdrawn all the money through cashiers’ checks. Two weeks after she left, her car was found in a car dealer close to her former apartment.

Peeta had hired a couple of private detectives, but didn’t get anywhere. She managed to vanish from the face of the planet.

Katniss

She was already near 4 months into her pregnancy. It had been very tough for her. But she was sure she made the right choice. Peeta showed his true colors when she told him about her pregnancy. He had been ruthless with her and had no filters regarding what he really believed about her. She never told him about the money she gained on the stock market. She was planning to tell him once she registered in college for the fall classes. She promised herself that she would not give up and as soon as she gave birth, she was going back to college. As for her feelings for Peeta, it still hurt like hell what happened that day…

Flashback

As soon as she walked out of Peeta’s office, she made up her mind.

“- Katniss are you alright? – “ Rue asked her “- We all heard Mr. Mellark yell what? And then it looked like he calm down –“

“- Don’t worry. He was talking to Finnick about the Seam deal. He is really stressed with the whole thing –“ Katniss answered. Even though he treated her so miserably, she wasn’t going to throw him to the wolves. She knew that if their conversation got out his office into wrong ears, it would harm him and  his company badly, but most important, she couldn’t do anything against him. He was her child’s father and love him deeply.

After giving Rue a believable answer, she went to the bathroom to compose herself’ and start to grab her things. When she reached her desk, Rue walked out of the meeting room to get coffee and some snacks for the executives. Katniss took advantage of the situation right away.

“- Rue can you cover me today? I don’t feel good and I want to go to the doctor and get a checkup –“

“- Sure Katniss. I’ll tell Mr. Mellark you left to see the doctor. He won’t mind –“Katniss scoff at Rue’s comment. He could care less about her. He made it very clear earlier.

“- I’m going to send a few emails and head off to the doctor –“ Katniss replied. Rue nodded and left to grab the coffee and the other things for the meeting. Once alone. Katniss wrote her resignation letter, printed it and slip it into an envelope. She wrote a second letter, a private one, to Peeta. She left instructions on her desk for Rue and took her few belonging from her desk and put them into her bag. Before she stepped out of the office, she went into Peeta’s office and place the envelope with her resignation letter, on his desk. She knew that this meeting would be a very tough one and probably he won’t read her resignation letter until the evening.

“- OK –“ Katniss said to herself “- It’s 10:30 am. First things first. The bank –“

She spent a bit over an hour closing her bank account and retrieving her money in cashier’s checks. After that, she went to Peeta’s apartment and packed up her things. She sat on the bed and let herself cry out until she got exhausted. She fell asleep for about an hour.

“- Shit! It’s 1:30 pm. I need to get out of here fast-“  She didn’t have much to pack up. Peeta bought most of her cloths and jewelry and by no means she was taking those with her. She put the letter on the pillow. The keys and her cellphone (another gift from Peeta), she put them on the coffee table. She took a deep breath and left the apartment. After she put her luggage in the trunk of her BMW, she took off and ride out of New York City. It had been a 5-hour drive but it was worth it. The cabin was beautiful and very cozy with all the appliances, furniture, light, phone and internet. She hadn’t had time to put the property on her name, since she just found out the day before. About a year ago, her uncle died and left her the cabin along with a 10 million dollars inheritance. She was sure that Peeta would try to find her. She never got the chance to tell him about the cabin. Once she settled herself in the cabin, she took a warm bath to relax her aching body.

“- We will be just fine sweet pea. I’ll take good care of you and maybe someday I’ll tell you about your father –“ Katniss said to her growing baby in her stomach-

End of Flashback

August was being very hot. Katniss wasn´t feeling too good. She was 5 and a half months into her pregnancy and was having serious health issues. Her blood pressure was getting near the top limit and the last blood tests showed she was very low on red cells counts, which meant that she was near in getting an anemia. She didn’t understand why all of this happened. She ate very healthy foods, took her vitamins, didn’t have to work. She really had been taken good care of herself. She asked her doctor if she did something wrong, but the doctor assured her that some pregnancies are like that no matter how much care the future mother would’ve taken. After her last checkup, a couple of days before, she put on her health record Peeta’s full name and phone numbers in case something happened to her. He was the father her child anyway.

Katniss stopped in a grocery store to buy a bottle of water and some fruits. It had been a long morning, but finally she got her last will taken cared of. All her money and the cabin were left to her unborn daughter, Helen, and left Peeta as her legal guardian until she turned 21 years old.

“- Maybe someday he will grow to love you sweetie – “  She said rubbing her belly.

After her last pregnancy checkup, Katniss had started to have nightmares. All of them were about her child alone and abandoned, asking her why she didn´t left her with her daddy. That made her take all the necessary actions to secure her daughter wellbeing just in case.

She went the cashier to pay for her things when a strong pain hit her on her lower back. She started to feel dizzy and was losing her balance. Jenny, the store owner, saw Katniss get very pale.

“- Katniss, are you ok? -“

“-No, please call 911. My baby…-“ Then she passed out.

Peeta

“- Well Finn, I think everything is running very smooth with the community center project –“ Peeta said very satisfied as he looked through the papers. Finally, one of his dream projects was coming to life. He had told Katniss that he wanted to build a community center big enough to give medical assistance, extra-curricular activities for children and teenagers in high risk positions, and other activities for the general public. It was due to open in about 6 months and will have the best medical technology his company could get.

“- Yeah, Peet. Everything is working out pretty good so far –“

“- Not everything. She still is missing. I know something is not right with her Finn. Every night I keep dreaming that she is dying. I’m close to put a generous reward on national tv and see if we can get some information on her whereabouts – “

“- I think it’s a good idea. We know she will be very pissed off, but it’s your kid too and you have every right to be there –“

There was a knock on the door and Rue came in.

“- Yes, Rue? –“

“- Mr. Mellark there is a Dr. Coin on the phone and wants to speak to you. She says it’s very important – “

“- Rue, I really don’t want to talk to nobody. Please tell her that I’m in a meeting and take her message – “

“- Peeta, you really need to pick up that call –“ The fact that Rue called him on a personal basis shook him and looked at Finn. So he reached the phone and put the speaker on, so the three of them could hear what this doctor had to say.

“- Mellark speaking –“

“- Mr. Mellark, good afternoon. My name is Alma Coin. I’m a doctor here in Rochester and have your number as an emergency contact –“

“- And who’s emergency contact, am I? –“ he replied as he looked at his friends very worried.

“- Miss Katniss Everdeen –“

He felt his heart stop as Rue and Finnick gasped at her name.

“- What happened to her? –“ He asked trying to keep his voice as even as possible.

“- Miss Everdeen has a high-risk pregnancy. Her blood pressure went sky high and has anemia. Although she has been taken care of herself, I think there must be some family back ground health issues that she couldn’t answer –“

“- You’re right. Her parents passed away when she was 10 years old and she was raised by her uncle who passed away over a year ago. So there was no way she could have any information about her mother´s health –“

“- Well Mr. Mellark, Miss Everdeen passed out this morning at a grocery store. She needs special medical assistance as fast as possible or she may lose her baby –“

“- I’m going to hand you to my PA so you can give her the address. I’m getting over there in a helicopter. Please get her ready and if you could assist me with her transportation I’ be very grateful –“

“- Sure Mr. Mellark. May I ask what is your relationship with my patient? –“

“- I’m the baby’s father –“ He answered as he left the office.

Peeta was running to the roof as fast as his legs let him. Finnick was right behind him calling to the New York-Presbyterian Hospital giving all the information Dr Coin had provided about Katniss health.

“- Annie says she will be waiting with a special team –“

“- Thanks Finn. You’re coming with me, right? –“

“- Of course, bro. You need somebody level headed right now. Just calm down, everything will be alright –“

“- Finn, she could lose the baby…-“

By the time they reached the roof, the helicopter was ready waiting for them. It took about an hour and a half to reach their destination. Just as Dr. Coin promised, she was waiting with an unconscious Katniss very well strapped in a stretcher, with a portable heart and blood pressure monitor, as well a heart monitor for the baby.

“- LET’S GO! – “ He yelled at the pilot once the doctor and Katniss were safe aboard.

As soon as they reach the hospital, Annie with several specialists took over while doctor Coin handed Katniss medical history, telling them what happened to her earlier in the morning.

“- Peeta, you need to stay here. As soon as I have any news I’ll come and tell you, ok? –“

He nodded. It was all he was able to do. He sat down and the whole situation sink into him like a ton of bricks.

“- It’s my fault, Finn. I should never say all those things to her. If I had just listen to her and not acted like an ass, she and the baby would be fine –“

Then he started to cry. Finnick let him cry out, he needed it. He had been there all these months watching his friend trying very hard not to fall apart, by working endless hours. Finnick knew from the start that Katniss was all Peeta needed. He saw his best friend fall for those silver eyes, but was too stubborn to accept it. It took Katniss to leave so he could finally realize his feelings. Now he was witnessing a complete meltdown of his friend. The fact that Katniss was very delicate and on the brick of losing the baby, tore Peeta’s heart in a million pieces. Finnick called Rue to update her and asked her to call Peeta’s family. He was going to need all the support he could if things didn’t end up right.

After 2 endless hours, Annie walked in the waiting area. Peeta’s parents, his brothers and their wives arrived at the hospital thirty minutes after Katniss was rushed in the emergency unit. Peeta stood up immediately and waited for the worse.

 “- Peeta, we have stabilized Katniss and the baby. She has a condition called preeclampsia, which is a complication during pregnancy, characterized by high blood pressure. Generally, it begins after 20 weeks of pregnancy in women whose blood pressure had been normal, like Katniss. If left untreated, preeclampsia can trigger serious, even fatal, complications for both the mother and the baby. She barely made it Peeta. If you didn’t bring her on the helicopter, she and the baby surely have died –“ 

Peeta felt everything swirl around and begin to fall. He was grabbed by his brothers and made him sit.

“- I’m not going to sugar coat things to you –“ Annie continued “- Her condition is very delicate. Neither one of them are out of danger. The next 24 hours will be extremely important since we have sedated her so her body can accept the medication for the high blood pressure and hopefully save the baby’s life. Usually when we have this situation, we have the baby delivered so both, mother and child are safe. Unfortunately Katniss is a little over five months, so the best we can do is wait and see if the treatment works –“

“- Can I see her? –“Peeta asked with a whisper

.“- Sure. Come with me –“

Annie led him down the hall and reached her room.. He started to cry again when he saw Katniss lying in bed with an oxygen mask and all those cables around her. He slowly walked towards her and kiss her forehead.

“- I’m so sorry Katniss. I really am. Please come back to me.I love you. I love our baby. Please fight for our baby. I’m not going anywhere –“

He reached his wallet and took out the neckless with a pearl he gave her, along with the letter she left him on the pillow. He opened the letter and read it again. 

Words spoken, my heart open No I never had butterflies like that We danced in the moon glow Your hands moved slow You kissed me on the lips Swore I wouldn’t look back It was just like we were flying In another time

I felt the world was ours for the taking When I fell into your eyes Never a doubt we would make it if we tried You promised you’d never break my heart Never leave me in the dark Said your love would be for all time But that was back when you were mine…

He hold her hand and place the neckless around her wrist. Then he moved the chair close to the bed and the waiting start.

The amount of stress of the day wore out Peeta and fell asleep.

He was slowly waking up as he felt somebody stroking his hair.

“- Katniss? –“

“- Hi –“

He got up and hold her face while tears were running down his cheeks.

“- You’re awake –“ She noded at his statement.

“- I’m so very sorry about everything. The last 4 months have been the worst in my life. Every day I was hoping to find you. I know that my reaction when you told me about the baby was the worst. It has been killing. But if you can give me another chance, I promise I will live every day of my life making it up to you. Please will you forgive me? –“

Katniss looked at the man in front of her. He was a complete mess. She could see his eyes full of guilt, anxiety and hope. He wasn’t the same man she left that Friday morning in the office. This one was broken and beaten up. This one was begging for forgiveness and a second chance.

He was holding her gaze hoping she could see the honesty of his words. As time was passing by, he was losing hope. She wasn’t going to forgive him. He pulled away from her and headed to the door.

“- I understand that you won’t forgive me. Just let me be part of her life. I’m going to get Annie so she can check you up –“  He walked out the door defeated. In the room Katniss felt her world fall apart again. She didn’t realize that while she was looking at him, time flew by. He waited about three minutes for her answer. So, he just left thinking it was the end. She was still processing the whole situation when Annie and Dr Coin came into the room.

“- You almost lost the baby, Katniss. If Peeta didn’t fly you in, right now we were preparing your funeral –“ Annie told her. Katniss gasped at her words.

“- What did you say to him Miss Everdeen? He looked very beat up when he came to tell us you woke up –“  Dr Coin asked.

“- He was begging me to forgive him and give him a second chance. I think a drifted away for a while because the next thing a know he was leaving the room saying that he understood that I won’t forgive him and told me he wanted to be part of her life –“ Katniss said with a hoarse voice.

“- You know, he almost got arrested for flying the helicopter with no previous authorization, just to get you here as soon as possible? Finnick told me that he lost it once we ran to ER with you. He thought neither you or the baby would make it. He never left your side the last 24 hours, waiting for you to wake up. He was completely messed up when you left. He hired two private investigators hoping he could find you. All this time, he somehow managed to keep it together. But now, I only saw a broken man with no life in his eyes. I know what happened Katniss, but he has suffered like hell all this time. He was considering stepping down as CEO so he could spend time with you and the baby. Now I think he will go back and work his ass off like before. He’s going to hold on to the only thing that has kept him sane all this time. His company. It won´t fill the space that you have in his life, but at least it will keep him going, until he gets over you and find someone willing to share his life and grow a family with. You almost fooled me Katniss. I truly believed you loved him. He fucked up big time, but sure as hell he has paid every single day for it. I’m not saying that you have to forgive, but at least let him be a father to his child –“  After Annie said this, she and Dr Coin left the room.

Katniss’s mind was whirling with everything that has happened since she woke up. She already had taken care of the baby’s welfare. She forgave Peeta long time ago, but wasn´t ready to face him yet. Her pregnancy problems rushed things too fast. Annie’s words hit her very hard. Suddenly the idea of seeing Peeta with another woman raising a family made her heart sink and break up again. She started to cry and the soft sobs quickly became in loud whimpers which made the machines alarm set off. Katniss was having an anxiety attack and her blood pressure went sky high again.

Annie along with a couple of nurses had to restrain and sedate her again. Once she was out, Annie called Peeta and told him what happened. He thought it was his fault, so decided not to visit her again, instead, he asked Annie to keep him updated.

“- Finn, I need you to help me in something –“

“- Sure, what is it? –“

“- You know what happened to Katniss a few weeks ago, right? –“

“- Yes, seems she had a panic or anxiety attack –“

“- I’ve thought that it was my fault. Probably she thinks I’m going to take the baby away from her. I need you to visit her and tell her I’m not doing that, but that the baby will have my name and if something ever happens to her, I’ll will become the legal guardian. Please make the necessary arrangements. Thanks –“

Katniss have been almost a month in the hospital. She was transferred to a room that looked like a suite. Since Annie’s outburst, Katniss only saw her 3 more times. She was walking a little every four hours to gain some strength under the careful watch of a nurse. She was feeling very good.

There was a knock on the door and Katniss asked the nurse to let thar person in. She had called her lawyer the previous day and told her to bring with her the documents she signed before she passed out at the grocery store.

“- Hey, Katniss! –“ The brunette woman greet her

“. Hi, Jo! –“

“- WOW! This place is incredible! He really is trying to make up his shit! –“

Katniss just laugh at her lawyer and friend’s comment. She slowly sat down on the couch and motion to her friend to sit.

“- Well after that day when he talked to me, he hasn’t come back. I know he’s been given updates of my progress, but nothing else. Seems he is trying to keep going on with his life –“

“- Of course he will do that, brainless! You didn’t say anything and as soon as you’re transferred in this hospital suite, you called me instead of him and fix things up! –“

“- That’s why a called you and asked to come with the documents. He needs to know what I did before everything happened –“

“ Here.You’ll need a lot of luck to fix your mess –“

Suddenly there was a knock on the door. Katniss was startled and motioned to the nurse to open.

“- Hello Miss Everdeen –“  Finnick said as he enter the room

“- Finnick? What are you doing here? –“

 “- Unfortunately, my visit is not personal. Is legal –“

“-Before you say anything, please read these –“  Katniss replied and handed him the documents. Finnick began to read the papers and a small smirk showed on his face.

“- Looks like you took care of the baby’s situation before Peeta –“

“- It was done the same day before I passed out in Rochester –“

“- You want me to take these to Peeta? –“

“- No. Call him and tell him that I want to talk to him as soon as possible. I need to fix things up –“

Finnick grabbed his cellphone and waited for Peeta to answer.

“- Hey, Peet. You need to come to the hospital now –“  Then he finished the call.

“- Why you say that? He will think that something happened to me or the baby! –“

“- Trust me. If I told him that you wanted to talk to him, he wouldn’t come –“

“- I like this guy. He’s smart. I’m Johanna Mason –“ She said as she moved her hand to shake his.

“- Finnick Odair lovely lady –“  He smiled

“- Finn, behave or I tell Annie –“ Katniss said jokingly.

The three of them talked and shared some memories for about forty minutes, when the door slam open with a very agitated Peeta storming in.

“- Dammit Peeta! You can make me go on premature labor! –“ Katniss blurt while trying to calm herself.

“- Sorry, but Finnick’s call was very scary. I’m glad that you’re ok though –“

“Miss Mason it’s time to leave these two love birds alone so they can talk. Do you mind if you can come with me to visit my wife? She works here _”

“By all means Mr. Odair. Looks like we can get along pretty fine! –“ And both left a very confused Peeta and a very amused Katniss.

“- Peeta, please sit down. We need a heart to heart talk –“ Katniss said. Peeta walked to the chair that was across Katniss and sat.

“- I’m going to start, so just listen. Let me finish and if there is anything you need to say then I’ll listen. Fair enough? –“

“- Fair enough –“

“- You really hurt me the day I told you about my pregnancy. I was very scared because having a baby wasn’t in my near future. You knew how I felt about it but you lashed out in me by accusing me on trapping you. I wasn’t sure what I was going to do, but staying in the office was not an option –“  He dropped his head on his chest, with the guilt consuming him.

“- Remember I told you about my uncle Haymitch’s death over a year ago? – “ He nodded while looking very confused to her.

“-  What I didn’t told you was about his inheritance. I found about it the same day I found out I was pregnant. He left me a beautiful cabin in Rochester –“  Recognition dawn on Peeta mind. That’s why she was there.

“- I withdraw all the money I had in my account. 3’250.000 dollars. You must be wondering how come I ended with that amount of money? Well, I learned quite a bit from the best Mr. Mellark –“ She let out a small laugh while he raised one eyebrow.

“- I made a few moves on the stock market and got good profits. That added with the money from my apartment ends with the amount. I took the money in cashier’s checks in different amounts so I could cash them fast when I need it. I had to contact Johanna Mason since she was the lawyer in charge. I had a meeting with Johanna and she handed me the keys of the cabin. But my biggest surprise was to find out that besides the cabin, my uncle left me 10 million dollars. Everything was still on his name so I figured to keep things like that for the time being –“

Peeta couldn’t believe what she was saying. Even before knowing of her inheritance, she had a respectable amount of money. Now he understood Katniss’s words when she told him that she didn’t need anything from him. He was felling very miserable. He was now completely sure that Katniss wasn’t going to forgive him.

“- On my last pregnancy check up with Dr Coin, I was warned about my delicate situation. After giving it a lot of thought, I went to Johanna and told her to make these documents and signed them before I blacked out later that morning –“  She handed the papers to Peeta so he can read them.

His eyes went wide as he read page by page. He was stunned. Before he could start talking, Katniss raised her hand in a gesture that silence him. She didn’t finish talking.

“- I decided to give you full legal rights if anything happened to me because you are her father, and with the money she will be getting when she turns 21. There was no threat towards your money. Regardless if you marry with your dream girl and raise your own family, Helen will have her own money –“

Peeta could tell that Katniss was starting to get upset, but remained silence waiting patiently for her to finish. Katniss took a deep breath and continued.

“- Peeta, I forgave you long before I got bad. The day I woke up after my blackout, I was very confused and dizzy. I couldn’t tell if I was in some sort of dream or if it was real. That’s why I didn’t answer you right away. It felt so unreal. When Annie walked in to check me up, I was barely aware of my surroundings. Annie assumed things and told me some that were true and it hurt. After she left, I was completely aware of everything and started crying which led to an anxiety attack. So, Annie and the other doctors, decided to keep me sedated most of the time so the baby won’t be at risk.

I was transferred to this room when the doctors deem it was ok. As soon as I got here, I called Johanna and here we are. I know you’re sorry for what happened. And right now is up to you on how things are going to be from this day on –“  Katniss finished and waited for Peeta to talk.

“- Katniss, I can’t tell you how sorry I am for causing you so much pain. It’s no excuse, but that day I was over the edge with the whole Seam deal. As soon as the words left my mouth, I knew I screwed up. I should have run after you instead going to the meeting with the Italians. They weren’t that much important: You should have been my top priority at that moment. I thought that giving you some space that day would calm you down. I bought you your favorite Italian food and some flowers. I was going to propose to you after the Seam deal got through, so I decided to asked you sooner. But when I got home, you weren’t there. Since then I’ve been looking for you everywhere. I even hired a couple of private detectives with no luck. I was about to give up when I got the call from Dr Coin. I freaked out and got in trouble with the authorities for flying the helicopter with no permission -”  He chuckled. He stood up, walked to Katniss and kneeled before her. He hold her hands between his and continue talking.

“- Katniss, I know I messed up things between us, but I just can’t bare the idea of losing you. I promise that I will do whatever I can to make it up to you. So please, will you honor me by being my wife? –“  Peeta just waited expectantly for her answer. Katniss was staring at him. She could see behind those blue eyes hope and love. She had no doubt about them. They would have some bumps on the road, but she was sure they will work it out.

“- Yes –“ She answered in a whisper  “- Yes, Peeta I do –“

Peeta grab her face with his hands and give her a kiss full of love and hope. Then he pulled apart clearly worried that Katniss could have a relapse. She laugh and hold him.

“- Don’t worry, I’m fine. Oh! –“

“- What is it? You want me to call the doctors? –“  He said with a panic voice.

“- No, relax, I’m fine –“  She placed his hand on her belly so he can feel the baby moving. His eyes open wide and a huge smile showed on his face.

“- Katniss, we’re having a baby –“

“. Yes, Peeta, we’re having a baby –“

[multiple-fandomimagines]

Tony Stark Masterlist (part 2) *updated 5/5/18*

NONE OF THESE ARE MINE!!! I did NOT write any of these! I believe they are amazing fanfics, written by insanely talented people, and deserve to be shared. ALL CREDIT GOES TO THE AUTHORS!!!

Marvel Masterlist  Marvel Smut Masterlist

Tony Stark Masterlist Part 1

Parent Tony

Wee Little Stark [part one, part two] by orphan_account (Bucky Barnes x Darcy Lewis)(Parent Tony Stark) James Rhodes was confident in his ability to remain calm in high stress situations. Being best friends with Tony Stark will do that to a guy. What he is NOT prepared for is a toddler standing on the mansion’s doorstep with a letter addressed to Tony. Rhodey, Tony, Happy, Pepper and JARVIS learn together to care for and love the little Darcy, and together they navigate rougher waters when it’s made clear that the baby girl is even more special than they could have guessed.

Silent Ilien by everythingispoetry (Parent Tony Stark)(Tony Stark & Avengers Team) Tony is bringing up his autistic son. The world - and the Avengers - are oblivious. They just think Tony is being typical self when he disobeys orders or just disappears. Encounters through years. Pepper, Rhodey, Natasha, Steve, Thor, Bruce, Clint, the team, JARVIS. Bonus: Phil.

Peter Stark [part one, part two, part three, part four, part five, part six, part seven, part eight, part nine] by CreativityFlow (Parent Tony Stark & Peter Parker) The woman in front of him was familiar, of course, but he hadn’t seen her since that charity event two years ago- Oh. And there it was.

I Want You To Want Me (And There’s Nothing I Wouldn’t Do) by thatblondefulloflight (Darcy Lewis x Bucky Barnes)(Father Figure Tony Stark) Bucky always wondered why Darcy never talked about her family, now he knows why.

Me, Too by Kali588 (Badass Marvel Women)(Darcy Lewis & Pepper Potts)(Darcy is Tony Stark’s Daughter) The women of/around The Avengers find out about the #MeToo campaign and respond. ***Please note that there is nothing graphic, with no details about what was specifically experienced by the characters, but the Archive Warning is used out of consideration for possible triggering material.

He’s Ours To Protect by ImaKaraTabiHe (Parent Tony Stark)(Steve Rogers x Tony Stark)(Kid Peter Parker & Avengers Team) Things are going well at the Tower since Peter was adopted. At least, they were before someone from Peter’s past reappeared.

It Takes a Village (or a team of superheroes) [part one, part two, part three, part four, part five] by cvsossong (Kid Peter Parker)(Parent Steve x Parent Tony) Three months after the Chitauri attack, Tony received a phone call that changed his life. (Or, the one in which a group of remarkable people come together and balance battling villains and raising a child).

Me, You and Peter, Too [part one, part two, part three, part four, part five, part six, part seven, part eight] by starspangledsprocket (Parent Steve Rogers)(Steve Rogers x Tony Stark)(Kid Peter) Steve can’t stomach the thought of Peter growing up in an orphanage. He knows what that’s like, and he will do anything to stop that from happening to another child. If that means he adopts Peter himself, so be it.In the meantime, he has to figure out what to do about his feelings for Tony.

Signs Of Life by cvsossong (Kid Peter Parker)(Steve Rogers x Tony Stark) (Parent Tony Stark)(Peter Parker & Avengers Team)Tony Stark gets thrown into a new world when a one- night stand ends with him having a son. When it’s discovered that Peter is deaf due to his mother’s mistakes while pregnant, Tony vows to become the father he never had. Fortunately, he’s got the Avengers to step up as a team— and a family.

My Son, My Sun by Wordsplat (Parent Tony Stark)(Steve Rogers x Tony Stark)(Kid Peter) Just before the events of Iron Man, a baby is left on Tony’s doorstep. He wants nothing to do with it at first, but his time in Afghanistan changes his mind and Tony vows to become a better man for his son’s sake.

Make This Place Your Home by cvsossong (Parent Tony Stark x Parent Steve Rogers)(Kid Peter) Peter’s lived his life in and out of foster homes. Now, he may have finally found a home with the most unlikely family ever formed.

Far From The Tree by SailorChibi (Parent Steve & Parent Tony) If you need me, I’ll be there. Tony never intended to take Steve up on that. But this isn’t about him. It’s about their daughter.

Tony & Darcy Lewis

My Heart Unfolding by mudpuddledemon (Darcy Lewis & Tony Stark) “Lewis. You’re in my lab. Why are you in my lab when I’m not in my lab?” He could see her in the corner, behind the shelves of spare parts. It was a weird place to be. She was crying.-Darcy falls apart, and Tony helps collect the pieces.

I Want You To Want Me (And There’s Nothing I Wouldn’t Do) by thatblondefulloflight (Darcy Lewis x Bucky Barnes)(Father Figure Tony Stark) Bucky always wondered why Darcy never talked about her family, now he knows why.

Tony & Jarvis

Beautiful, Beautiful, Beautiful, Beautiful Boy by mybrotherharry (Kid Tony Stark & Edwin Jarvis) The first time Jarvis holds little Anthony in his arms, he is overwhelmed by emotion that is surprising in its intensity. When little Anthony’s palm curves around his finger, Jarvis ducks his head to keep the others from seeing the wetness in his eyes.“Hello Master Anthony,” he whispers into the little ear, tugging the bundle of blankets closer to his heart.

In Charge of Weapons and Ammo by arianapeterson19 (Kid Tony Stark)(Parent Bucky Barnes) The Winter Soldier refused to speak to anyone, sitting in the apartment - which was his cell and he knew it no matter how fancy it was dressed up - silently waiting for either an order or for something to stir up enough emotion in him to make him leave. What he gets is a child who won’t stop breaking into his room.ORThe one where Bucky is found early and only likes little Tony.

Don’t Bet Against The House by AlexTheShipper (Bruce Banner x Tony Stark x Rhodey Rhodes)(Protective Jarvis) In which jokes about the arc reactor are not taken lightly, not by JARVIS who will never again sit trapped in his servers as someone attempts to kill Sir.

Just A Rather Very Intelligent System by DarkestSight (Protective Jarvis) Five times Jarvis took control of the Iron Man armour without the other Avengers finding out and one time they did.

Primary Protocol by ShootMeDead (Protective Jarvis) It shouldn’t have been possible, and yet…Somehow, it was.

A.I.s and Lullabies by Echo (Tony Stark & Jarvis) Tony is suddenly a quiet, wary five year old boy. The rest of the team are less than completely sure about what to do about that.

Standard Procedure by Oceanbreeze7 (Protective Jarvis) Being an AI did not mean that one was without independent thought, nor action. Jarvis was an independent being, albeit a slightly protective one. “Hello SHIELD. This is Jarvis. If any of you threaten, hurt or attempt to hack Mr. Tony Stark, I will be forced to take steps for the removal of your existence. Have a good day.”

Tony & Shuri

Forged in Sparks by SailorChibi (Tony Stark & Shuri) Being kidnapped by Hydra wouldn’t be anyone’s idea of fun, and that included Shuri. She had no idea what Hydra wanted with her - or with the scruffy, skinny man in the cell right next to her.

Clash of the Geniuses by KSTodd (T’Challa & Shuri)(Tony Stark & Shuri) Shuri and T'Challa are visiting America for diplomatic talks. How will the first meeting between Shuri and Tony Stark play out?

Tony Stark Defense Squad

The Tony Stark Squad by BellaP (Tony Stark Defense Squad)(Not Team Cap Friendly)(Tony Stark & Avengers Team) Because Tony does have loyal friends, and they are not happy with the Avengers.

Me Without You by Wix (Tony Stark Defense Squad)(Not Team Cap Friendly)(Tony Stark & Avengers Team)(Tony-centric) Tony’s moving on, slowly and one piece at a time, but he’ll get there eventually. With a little help along the way.

We Are Tony’s People [part one, part two, part  three] by Tempest_Raining (Tony Stark Defense Squad)(Not Team Cap Friendly)(Tony Stark & Avengers Team)(Tony-centric) The first time the Exvengers walked into the refurbished compound after three-and-a-half years of sitting in Wakanda they are met with some of the more… vindictive people on Tony’s roster. Or, I just wanted to experiment with Rhodey, Doc Strange, Matt, Foggy, Jessica and FRIDAY working together to confront/warn the Exvengers.

Contractually Obligated [part one, part two, part three] by poetically_ordinary (Tony Stark x Stephen Strange)(Tony Stark Defense Squad)(not team cap friendly)(Tony Stark & Avengers Team) When the wayward Avengers finally sign the Sokovia Accords, they return to a place that is no longer like they remember it to be. Everyone must come together to portray a united front to the world. Even if that's the last thing happening behind the scenes.

Tony Stark is Not a Supervillain (But his Poker Group All Are) by DaughteroftheSilverMoon (Tony Stark & Marvel Villains) A superhero walks into a room full of villains- and they play poker and give him a drink. After all, it’s the polite thing to do. Only then they get to liking him, and all of a sudden they’re slaying dragons for the good guys. It’s very disconcerting, but kind of nice.

Villain's Code of Conduct by viviegirl05 (Tony Stark & Marvel Villains)(Tony Stark Defense Squad) Loki, Doom, Magneto, Mystique, and Killmonger visit Tony after Siberia to give their condolences for the civil war and declare the Rogues bad for their villainous reputations. When the Rogues show up and try to attack, the villains show them they won't stand for that kind of behavior from so-called heroes. They decided to drag them down legally, and throw in Ross for the sake of being thorough.

Tony & Misc.

Sick Games by arianapeterson19 (Tony Stark & Avengers Team)(Tony-centric)   Anyone who locked Tony in a room with electronics was either stupid or insane. Or both. OR The one where everyone gets kidnapped and Tony's not exactly useless.

An Ever Watchful Eye by torianmist (Tony Stark & Avengers Team)(Tony-centric) Guardian Angels come in all shapes and sizes and are not always who you think they may be.

I Really Do Trust You by tsjn (Tony Stark & Avengers Team)(Tony-centric) The team does a very different version of trust falls. Tony, dealing with the aftermath of New York, doesn’t participate. The team starts to wonder if Tony really trusts them. Or Tony tries too hard not to disappoint, and has a panic attack because of it.

Me and Myself by Kyu_Momo (Tony Stark & Avengers Team)(Tony-centric)"Tony! If you could just be a little less like you we would all like you a lot more!"

Not Fighting by arianapeterson19 (Tony Stark & Avengers Team) Fury had no room to complain, he had known what would happen if he made Tony sit through one more meeting without providing decent coffee. He didn’t have to be such a dick about it.Or the one where Fury is a shit and the Avengers have some forced bonding.

In Deep Water by itsallAvengers (Steve Rogers x Tony Stark)(Tony Stark & Avengers Team)(Tony-centric) The Avengers want a pool. Tony can arrange that for them. He can. The thought doesn’t fill him with horrible, daunting dread and crippling fear. Not at all. (Or maybe denial does more harm than good)

Submerge by Oceanbreeze7 (Tony Stark & Avengers Team)(Tony-centric) Not many people escape being a Prisoner of War untouched. Lucky (unluckily) for Tony, he wasn’t entirely the exception. Besides, water is a terrifying thing.

Division of the Heart by TylerM (Tony Stark & Avengers Team)(Tony-centric)Tony Stark is sick. Surely that’s not going to be a problem? When he doesn’t tell the team a normal cold is a little more complicated with the Arc Reactor, things get a little out of hand.

Grown Now by TylerM (Tony Stark & Avengers Team)(Tony-centric) Loki de-ages Tony Stark, and the team have to now deal with a tiny four year old who is nothing like the Tony they’re used to, and nothing like they’d expect him to be as a child.

Expendable by Kelady (Steve Rogers x Tony Stark)(Tony Stark & Avengers Team)(Tony-centric) Tony's expendable and he knows it. So why is the whole team in his hospital room, worried? or Tony gets stabbed by Loki and he learns exactly how much they care. Hint. It's a lot.

TONY STARK, PRESUMED DEAD by Kelady (Tony Stark & Avengers Team)(Tony-centric) Tony Stark's house is blown up on National television. Of course, the remaining Avengers are going to find out. This is what they do while Tony Stark is Presumed Dead.

Not just a team, but a family. by Thebookofavenging (Tony Stark & Avengers Team)(Tony-centric) Post the arc-reactor surgery, tony wakes up to find the avengers in his hospital room and needless to say he is a little surprised by it. Fluff and Confusion ensues.

Ghosts by madwamoose (Tony Stark & Avengers Team)(Tony-centric) The Avengers have been placed under a spell. Each day, a ghost of a member of the team will haunt them until they face their worst fear and stick up to it.

It Only Hurts a Little (He's Lying Through His Teeth) by F-117 Nighthawk (Tony Stark & Avengers Team)(Tony-centric) Two times Tony hid the fact that the arc reactor was causing him pain and one time Pepper didn't let him.

The Triggers List by TeaSpent (Tony Stark & Avengers Team)(Tony-centric)After the first 'incident', the triggers list was made. Stuck on to the fancy fridge in the Avenger's Tower with a purple smiley face magnet, the paper has everyone’s name's on it, as well as a bulleted list of triggers. Well, that is, everyone except for Tony.

Truth, Secrets, Mind by Kelady (Tony Stark & Avengers Team)(Tony-centric)The Avengers team is thrown in to Tony’s mind and they are shown some of Tony’s bad past.

I Don’t Like To Be Handed Things by Kelady (Tony Stark & Avengers Team)(Tony-centric) Tony Stark doesn’t like to be handed things. The avengers find out why.

Not a Soldier by SailorChibi (Tony Stark & Avengers Team)(Tony-centric)When a villain kidnaps the team and demands sex in exchange for the team’s freedom, the obvious choice to offer up is the person who has the most experience (and the worst reputation). Unfortunately, Tony didn’t actually consent.

Stuck with us by petroltogo (Tony Stark & Avengers Team)(Tony-centric) (High School AU) Prompt fill: can u write like a hs au, with avengers as a group of friends. they act like they think tony doesn’t have feelings, they seem to never take him seriously and they often tease him or laugh at sth that actually hurts him (they dont know that it makes him feel bad) he usually just takes it, because he thinks he deserves it. but then he has just the worst day ever, and they make some comment abt sth and he just breaks and starts crying, cause he just wants someone to care abt him. they comfort him.

The Star-Spangled Man With A Plan by Mistfire24 (Tony Stark & Avengers Team) Tony is forced to clean out and organize his father’s old things. He finds a special surprise that he can’t wait to share with the rest of the team. OR Everyone is laughing because Steve Rodgers, A.K.A. Captain America is dressed in SPANDEX

Fix You by Princess_Aleera (Clint Barton x Tony Stark)(Tony Stark & Avengers Team)(Tony-centric) “Hello, Tony. I want to play a game." Tony is taken by the Jigsaw Killer and forced to endure five grueling tasks - each of them representing one of his teammates. The same teammates who, on Jigsaw’s orders, are forced to watch every second of Tony’s torture on a set of monitors. “Hello, Avengers. Today, you are not here to save anyone. You are here to help with the clean-up, for once in your life.”

Broken by NotEvenCloseToStraight (Tony Stark x Avengers Team) It took months of therapy for Bucky to break his Winter Soldier conditioning, and Steve was there for him, encouraging him to talk about his past, his fears, his time as the Soldier. And Bucky talked about everything-- except why the barest mention of an Alpha makes him panic. When Steve brings Bucky home, Alpha!Tony is ready to welcome Bucky with open arms and wings, but Bucky can't look at him, can't be in the same room without his wings flaring out to keep the Alpha away, a broken Omega panicking in the presence of a strong Alpha. But Tony is a good Alpha, and the team pulls together to help Bucky, showing him what it means to be loved, to be healthy and whole, and one day when Tony holds his hand out, Bucky trusts him enough to take it. And Bucky realizes that with a family behind him, with the safety hes found in the Omegas, the companionship from the Betas, and the unconditional love from the Alpha--HIS alpha, he isn’t broken at all. But with a team like the Avengers, tragedy is never far off, and this one rocks the family to their core. How can they fix the broken pieces of their lives when their Alpha is gone?

Tony x Supernatural Crossover

Family Don’t End With Blood [part one, part two, part three, part four, part five, part six, part seven, part eight, part nine, part ten, part eleven, part twelve, part thirteen] by MonPetitTresor (Platonic Sam & Tony Stark)

Supernatural Husbands [part one, part two, part three, part four, part five] by InsertPotterThemedUsernameHere (Tony Stark x Dean Winchester) The story of Dean Winchester & Tony Stark falling in love and facing life’s challenges along the way, including: broken down cars, miscommunication, lack of faith, the media, Howard Stark’s A+ Parenting, angel dicks, tricksters, SHIELD, pre-wedding jitters, a baby, a frigid Capsicle, a confuzzled assassin, annoying little brothers, and more

An Occasional Matter of Family by dare_to_do_our_duty (Tony Stark & The Winchester Brothers) In which Tony Stark is related to Sam and Dean Winchester and they drop in on occasion when nobody is busy saving the world. And sometimes when everyone is busy saving the world.

Tony Stark Masterlist Part 1

[ginnyzero]

My Self Publishing Journey

I can't give advice to anyone on whether or not to stay in the publishing process or choose to step outside of it and self-publish on Amazon. Those are deeply personal decisions and depends on an individual writer's goals. All I can do is share my thoughts and my journey.

I have been in the self-publishing stream of the internet for a long time. That is what fan fiction basically is, self-publishing work with other people’s properties. There are even sites similar to the big fan fiction sites (and at times run by the same people) for original fiction. I don’t see anything wrong with self-publishing.

To me, going to a fan fiction website and going to a book store are very similar experiences. With the fan fiction website though, I know there is a greater chance that I’ll know and enjoy what I find because I’m familiar with the source material. Sure, there is a lot of low quality fan fiction out there on the web. But it’s free and if I don’t like it, I can just go on and read something else without worry. Whereas, at a book store I’m taking a bigger risk and spending hard earned money on something I may not enjoy and may be of dubious quality. (I know, I know, libraries. As a science fiction and fantasy reader/writer, libraries do not always carry what I want to read. They either can’t afford it or there isn’t enough outside interest in the area.) With the book store, I have higher expectations than a fan fiction website. The books in a book store have been written by professionals and supposedly have gone through some sort of editing process. (Not really the case anymore, but the expectation is there.)

I’ll give the fiction shelves their due. Yes, the quality is higher than your average run through of a fan fiction archive in terms of grammar, spelling and formatting. Otherwise, there is roughly the same amount of ability to string a story together. The books at a bookstore are at least finished, which is more than I can say about some of the longer fan fiction stories. I also don’t hold amateurs writing as a hobby to the same standards as I’d hold a professional writer. To do so would be ridiculous. But I give the fiction shelves their due and the agents and the publishers because they do wade through a lot of badly written stories to find writers who can write to put on shelves. Whether or not these writers write well is still a matter of debate.

I had a finished book. A book I was too close to I felt to be able to really edit properly and for various reasons that aren’t necessarily in my “motivations to publish” post, I wanted to give traditional publishing a shot. I wanted to go through the process. See what it was all about and hopefully, get an agent and land a publisher in order to get an advance so I could you know, pay my bills.

I wrote my first query letter. (It was a mess.) And started querying. I worked on better query letters. I checked agents and their requirements. I made a list. I compiled emails. I spent a year getting silence and rejection letters. And I know, a year isn’t a lot of time in the grand scheme of things. Authors talk about two years and about ten years. You know what, I’m not a very patient person and there are maybe 100 agents out there that deal with science fiction and fantasy. And you aren’t allowed to query agents that work at the same agency simultaneously. (So you have to wait for one agent in that agency to reject you before trying another, which can be a process of two months at least if they don’t get back to you.) I’d rather get something done before I die of starvation/poverty or old age. But I’m stubborn and I was determined to try. Because having an agent and having a book deal with a publisher feels safer and more secure than self-publishing. And the idea of having my book in stores was very appealing.

Nothing though was happening and I was very frustrated. I changed novels, reapplied and still got rejections and no responses.

About the middle towards the end of July (2016) I had a very difficult, hard and somewhat agonizing decision to make. I’d just finished up a major project for a video game sizzler. I was exhausted and was trying to take a day off to rest my brain.

When Becca linked me a post on tumblr. And as I read through this post, I had very conflicting feelings. Elation, happiness and complete and utter frustration and to some extent despair. You see, what I was reading in that post was a validation of everything I thought was happening out there in the big world of media. People wanted to see in fantasy/science fiction character driven stories that weren’t grim dark based upon actual wild wolf zoology if they involved werewolves.

And that’s what I had written and was trying to sell to multiple agents and had been trying to sell for the past year and had gotten lots of rejection notices. And I was running out of agents I could find online to query. I also felt I was running out of time.

It was amazing to see that yes, there are people out there who want to read something like what I’d written. It was heart breaking because I couldn’t get an agent to give me more than five minutes. The only agent who gave me a reason that they didn’t want the book was through an assistant who said it was too long.

This had probably been a few weeks prior. I’d sat down and duplicated my manuscript. I ripped things out to cut it to the required “Debut author word count.” When I was done ripping, there was nothing left of the story I wanted to tell. Everything important to me had been taken away for the sake of words. So, I could either sacrifice the story I’d written for the sake of word count or I could stick to my guns and go “No, these scenes are important to what I’m trying to show.” I decided to keep the integrity of my story.

So this post, this discussion on tumblr was a pivotal moment. Do I keep doing what feels like the definition of insanity? Do I keep querying agents and waiting three months to get replies that so far have all be no if I get a response at all? Or, do I go out on a limb and self-publish?

I didn’t sleep very well that night. My brain was racing. Because there is a hard truth here. Once you self-publish, even if it is on Amazon, there are many agents who won’t even look at you.

But on the other hand. There weren’t any agents willing to look at me and take a risk to begin with. I had a finished manuscript with a story that I enjoyed and was proud of that I felt/thought/saw the signs could be moderately successful if someone would just give it a chance. I had product. And there wasn’t an agent in sight willing to bite.

So really, what was I risking? What was I so afraid of? Why was I putting myself through a process that wasn’t giving me any returns? Was it really that much more risky to publish it myself on Amazon? If I get no returns there, well, at least it is out there. At least there is the option for me to say, “Hey, I wrote a thing and have published it. If you like this thing, check it out.” During the query process, I can’t say that.

And there was another consideration involved, time.

Sure, say I could convince an agent that my story was a good story and that I’m a good writer and they should take a risk on me. They write me back (anywhere from two weeks to two months after I sent them my letter to begin with) and want the first three chapters. That’s another two months. They decide they like the first three chapters so they want the whole thing, exclusive to them. That’s another three to six months. And they like it, they want revisions. That can be another six months again. Then, they like the revisions, so they take it to a publishing buddy and the publisher connection goes, “Sure, we’ll take it on, for next year.” At this point, it could be two years from when I get an agent interested in my story before I see any money of an advance and my books on store shelves.

By that point, except for the diehard fans who will read anything of that idea, the interest will have moved on. There was a possible interest in my idea right now.

So, two years from now, I would get money in the form of an advance from the publisher, and what was the benefits of it. They might do some marketing for my book, but as a new writer it wouldn’t be much. My book would go on bookshelves, but it would come out of my royalties after I sold enough to cover the advance. There would be professional cover at for my book, but I wouldn’t have much say in it. (I don’t keep track of cover art trends.) And if my book didn’t sell well and I didn’t make back more than half of that advance. They’d force me to change my publishing name and not publish anything else under that idea.

If I self-published, I could get any money that could be made off of my work, my ideas, my intellectual property, right now. Sure, it would involve a lot of work, but what doesn’t. And even if it didn’t go well, I could keep publishing that idea, under that name, or even other ideas under that same name at no cost to me.

I did what a sensible girl does in my position. I called to talk to my father. Because I’m a daddy’s girl.

Now my father (and my grandfather and my uncle on that side of the family) are very big fans of if you want something done right, you do it yourself. My father owns his own business. He is his own boss. He has been at that point in his life where he had to decide whether or not to take a risk and be that boss. I wanted to hear his view on it.

Honestly, I knew to an extent what he was going to say. I needed to hear him say it. Which really boiled down to, if there is interest right now, it is better to do that thing right now then wait for something that may never happen.

I decided to self-publish. I gave myself twenty days to do it. (There was a reason to this madness.) I had the book. I had the basis of the cover art. I had the font I wanted to use for the title. (I’d also created it myself.) Maybe I closed some doors on some opportunities. Maybe I opened windows for others. No matter what I did. There was risk.

Whether or not to self-publish rather than going through the process of getting an agent and selling your work to a publishing house is a very personal decision. It takes a lot of guts and some ego to say “I’m going to skip that process” and go directly to publishing. I can’t comment on why other people self-publish. I won’t comment on their motivations. I know why I did it. I’m going to stand by it because I’m happy and at peace with this decision, despite the risk.

Read the First Three Chapters of The Lone Prospect For Free

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