#it does frustrate me how realistically everyone else acts during them though

[darlinimamess]

i Love when they give minority characters their own episodes to highlight what they go through

[hajimeshoe]

overblot squad with an MC/S/O who was done with life the second they entered twisted wonderland.

The no bullshit type who also instigates when in goofy moods. They don't smile often.

Anyone who threatens them... it kinda goes like "give me a reason... I dare you..." and s/o will fuck your life up if you physically harm them.

They have a resting bitch face, and they ALWAYS look angry or annoyed. A lot of people ask if they're upset.

When in contact with overblots, instead of trembling with fear, they act like they just got told to do chores as they started doing chores.

And when they deal with overblots in fights, they genuinely get annoyed when the overblot squad acts like they're the only ones dealing with that kind of stuff. (Literally looked at Jamil and told him he was a slave to people born richer than him just like everyone else)

A realist and pessimist at the same time.

Sleeps way more than Leona, and will not wake up until they feel like living. And their social meter is extremely low.

They eat a lot. Like- a lot. And they will sleep it all off

MBTI is an INTP to give you the rest of the context

Coolio! I'm an ISTP-T, which I found out while trying to figure out different MBTI personality types because I was hella confused. Also, We don't technically know who's overblotting from Diasomnia yet, right??? So I can leave my precious dragon boy out of this, right??? No? Well, it was worth a try *cries in not wanting to think about a Malleus overblot* -Sorry this took so long! I just moved and had no wi-fi until today

OB!Gang with INTP S/O

Riddle

Would honestly be frustrated

"You've broken fifteen of our 810 rules in less than an hour! How DARE you!"

He was apologetic after he overblot and stopped getting on your case for every dorm rule you broke.

No wonder you're friends with Ace and Deuce

Wants you to stop causing fights so badly

Like, why are you either causing fights or sleeping??? Are you secretly related to Leona???

"Wait, you told Jamil WHAT?"

Leona

Bro gets sick of you when you're awake at this point-

Like, he threatened to turn you to sand during his overblot and you just held out your hand with a sarcastic smile-

Honestly, though, he's glad you aren't opposed to his naps or sleep schedule, a lot of the time he'll also be willing to nap with you even if he's already had one

But if Ruggie wake's him up, then he's trying to wake you up too <3

Fairs fair, after all

He doesn't give a fuckk if you instigate fights, he'll watch it in amusement

Azul

You would get along with Floyd so damn well and Azul swears on what little of his sanity is left that you two are never meeting

Both of you would be causing fights together left and right-

He loves you, he does, but- OH FUCK THE TWEELS ARE HERE! Take a nap while he locks you in his office where you three can never meet, yeah?

He's also low-key wondering if you're Leona's secret sibling or something despite the fact that you're magicless

He'll let you sleep in his office when you need to

He also does everything in his power to try to get you to smile and gets a little insecure when he's unsuccessful

Azul just starts to have some self-doubts because "I'm their boyfriend, why can I never make them happy?"

However, cuddles and reassurances can fix this!

He did get a kick out of you looking at Jamil and telling him to get over it

Jamil

Jamil is just glad that you don't need 24/7 supervision

You won't burn down the house trying to cook, you won't somehow accidentally cut your arm off with a spoon and you can be left alone longer than a toddler without anything going to hell?

In this case, he practically considers you perfect with how often he's dealing with Kalim

Also, you were egging him on when he overblotted???

What's wrong with you? You have no magic-

Oh, wow...you won...

"Everyone's a slave to richer people, Jamil, get over it and eat a snickers or some shit!"

Okay, first of all, you're audacity-

Aaaand now he's stuck with you

"Isn't it supposed to be "You kidnapped me, I'm calling the cops?"

"Nope! You kidnapped me, so you clearly want to put up with my bullshit!"

The only actual issues he has is when he has to go drag you out of a fight or get you to stop hyping others into fighting for your entertainment

Then he just hypnotizes you and pulls you away while scolding you like some sort of child

Honestly looked up child leashes on the twst version of Amazon to see if they had a two pack (one for you and one for Kalim)

Vil

"Love, don't start fights, it's not beautiful at all", "My sweet potato, sleeping too much can be bad for your skin!", "SPUD! As much as I love you, if you do not cease this nonsense then so help me-"

All are common phrases from Vil when it comes to you ❤

Just tell me- how did he fall in love with you??? Like, you're a cross between Kingscholar and Epel and he is about ready to pull an evil queen on both of them some days

But he adores you despite your incorrigible habits that he tries to help you break

Don't expect to sleep in when dating Vil, though. Once he decides you've had enough? He's cursing your bed, pillows and blankets

All in the name of love, he swears!

Idia

Idia tries to get you to just stay in his room with him to stop you from getting into fights

He's respectful - lets you sleep for as long as you want

Although he get's a little loud when he plays video games sometimes

Ortho will honestly bother you more about your sleep schedule than him

Malleus

Confused dragon boi <3

He's a sweetheart and is confused as to why you're starting fights "Because it's fun"

Totally did not ask Sebek to accompany you during school hours in order to protect you, keep you awake during lectures, and keep you out of fights- definitely not, how rude of you to accuse him of that

he would never, Malleus is completely innocent!

"Malleus Draconia, I am TRYING to sleep so if you do not get your screaming cucumber from my bedroom then so help me nobody will be able to save his suicidal ass!"

Oh, you're pissed off now

Welp, time for him to go save Sebek from his (surprisingly dangerous) magicless Child of Man

[dandylovesturtles]

pls talk to me about 100 Feet and a World Away Raph's recovery process, if he relapses sometimes or what it's like for him in general

Sure! This got long so I had to put it behind a read more lol

So keep in mind nothing about this part of the AU is intended to be realistic haha, in reality Raph would need years of multiple kinds of therapies, including behavioral therapy and speech therapy, to get anywhere near what you could consider recovered, but I'm fast tracking this because we want Raph to get his happy ending with everyone else!

Some content warnings here for depersonalization, dissociation, etc

During his captivity Raph has very few and fleeting moments of lucidity - even when he does manage to "surface," once he realizes what's happening and that he's alone he pretty much shuts down again immediately. This doesn't mean Raph is gone, though! He'll later say it was like he was underwater, able to hear and see things but always muffled, smeary, and understanding would slip through his grasp. When Raph sleeps, he often dreams of the things that have happened to him in abstract ways and uses this to process - something that he hates when he's still captive but which becomes invaluable once he's free and trying desperately to get back to his family.

Raph also isn't entirely alone in his head, at least not always! He gets a... visitor from time to time. This visitor does everything they can to help Raph in the time they can spend with him, and is the main reason why Raph hasn't completely lost touch with things like speech by the time he finally manages to regain lucidity.

Raph's recovery process is very, very slow. For the first few weeks he doesn't seem to entirely realize that he's been freed - it's only the smell of his family nearby, or the sounds of their voices, that keep him calm. He still acts very animalistic during that time and basically can't be left alone at all. All of the family is afraid that he may be beyond recovery (though they are still resolved to care for and love him no matter what), and they all have different reactions to this. For Splinter this is another heartbreak on top of a pile, and he has a tendency to overly baby Raph to the point that it feels more like how one would treat a pet at times, though he does constantly remind himself of his son's personhood to combat this instinct. Leo has known Raph is like this for a long time, but he's not dealing with anything well and he doesn't deal with this well, either - he's in mourning even though he refuses to say it. Mikey is openly optimistic that they'll get Raph back, but this also means he tends to get his hopes up about a new thing to try, and then gets disappointed when it doesn't work. Only Donnie seems completely unbothered by the "new Raph," and basically just talks to Raph like he does the others, and seems to enjoy having someone he can ramble to about science without end. Because of this, Raph bonds with Donnie the fastest, and when Raph finally manages to talk again, his first words are to Donnie.

Through his dreams, Raph comes to know that he's safe, and slowly the things around him start to get clearer. He starts to recognize his family members by sight as much as smell, he starts acting less and less animalistic and starts to manage basic tasks, like feeding himself with utensils. He starts talking in brief words and sentences, and his vocabulary builds rapidly with the help of his visitor and the dreams and Donnie talking to him endlessly. He also has brief periods of lucidity throughout this time, but to his frustration he can't quite hang on to them - like his muscles have to rebuild their strength to acknowledge reality.

Once he feels safe enough, Raph will finally manage a period of lucidity that lasts longer than a few minutes to an hour. There also may be some mystic stuff that happens in here to help him finally overcome his last mental blocks.

And then it's like he finally breaks the surface for real this time. He's not underwater anymore. He knows and understands everything around him. At least as well as his brothers do, anyway.

It takes him more time and stability to finally get back to a person who resembles the Raph we have in canon (though never quite the same), but he makes improvements all the time.

He does have relapses occasionally after this point, usually if he's left alone without any warning or if something severely startles him. If he doesn't get enough sleep or if he's sick or overwhelmed he can sometimes slip into more animalistic ways of acting, too. In those cases, the others just have to ground him, by talking to him and reminding him of where he is and what's going on until he feels safe enough to "surface" again. And eventually he learns new coping mechanisms and ways of feeling safe that don't necessitate completely dissociating from reality.

Thanks for the ask!

[zutarabender]

Zuko's attitude in The Southern Raiders is "selfish" in the same way that any desire to earn friendship and forgiveness can be said to be focused on a personal quest for inner peace. He perceives Katara as someone whose good opinion is worth having, so he naturally wants it, and is proactive about earning her trust.

Still, it blows my mind that people try to reduce or vilify his actions in The Southern Raiders just because he happens to have wants and needs as well. While he wants to be forgiven and liked, Zuko’s aim to help Katara takes precedence over his own stake in the matter, and he consistently puts her needs first. This aligns with what we saw of him before (also in relation to other characters) and with his portrayal afterward.

For that reason, I wholly reject the interpretation that Zuko was being self-serving and a bad influence for Katara during the course of The Southern Raiders.

For starters, it would be really hard to argue against the notion that Zuko’s repentance is 100% genuine. He honestly regrets his actions and the harm they brought upon, is indisputably committed to his new cause, and has cast his pride aside when he humbled himself in front of the Gaang (most notably during The Western Air Temple). We’ve spent the four previous episodes delving deep into Zuko’s redemption and his mission to be useful to Aang and the others, often acting in self-sacrificing ways for their sake. The audience should already understand that Zuko is highly imperfect, but that his heart is in the right place.

This is his starting point in The Southern Raiders. He has some more to grow, but he’s intent on doing the right thing. This need for growth is emphasized early on in the episode, when he confronts Katara over her hostility toward him.

Zuko: This isn't fair! Everyone else seems to trust me now! What is it with you?

This line comes pretty much right after he claims “not deserving” the group toasting in his honor, but here he begrudges Katara’s attitude and implies that she’s wrong for feeling the way she does. He’s being petulant, hypocritical and invalidating, and while his outburst happens out of frustration and lack of understanding, he’s acting as if he’s entitled to her forgiveness (whether he intends to or not).

However, that sense of entitlement doesn’t last long and is something Zuko immediately rectifies with very little prompting. That’s the point of this moment of weakness. We needed to experience his wounded pride so we could see him humbled when proven wrong, and this speaks volumes about his true character and intentions regarding Katara. She explains herself, and... that’s it, Katara doesn’t need to do more than literally just tell him for Zuko to internalize the source of her anger. Katara tends to bottle up her innermost feelings when she perceives them as a weakness, so her finally snapping and being upfront about the source of her anger is an important moment of vulnerability for her.

Without further prompting, Zuko quickly adopts a proactive outlook (”What can I do to make it up to you?”) which signifies a complete turnaround from his earlier attitude. Zuko lets go of his pride and places himself in Katara’s hands. Katara still shuts him down, though, in saying that he should maybe reconquer Ba Sing Se or bring her mother back. Zuko can realistically do neither, and they both know it. But while the fall of Ba Sing Se is totally on Zuko, Kya’s death most definitely isn’t.

This is where a more self-focused person would still begrudge Katara. How dare she bring up something that has nothing to do with him? Isn’t it unfair that she’s setting such an impossible bar? But Zuko doesn’t do that. Zuko remembers what she said in Ba Sing Se and makes the connection. Instead of making up excuses, Zuko listens. His frustration is still evident (and understandable), but he stops forcing it on Katara and focuses on getting to the heart of the issue. He wants to know about Kya’s death so he can understand why Katara’s anger at him, which he fully accepts and honors as its own entity, has become tangled with her grief over losing her mother.

Now, he doesn’t want Katara to be angry at him. He certainly wishes she would stop (and can anyone seriously blame him and vilify him over this?). But this desire is secondary to Katara’s feelings, and this starts becoming apparent when Zuko no longer demands answers from Katara. He goes to Sokka instead, and at this point, Zuko doesn’t have much of a plan beyond listening to the story of their mother’s death to understand Katara’s anger better. The idea of taking Katara to Yon Rha only comes up to him while Sokka is telling his side of the story. It pops into Zuko’s mind because of what he has gone through in facing Ozai, and learning that Ozai was directly responsible for the loss of his mother.

He’s been there. He thinks he can help. And on that end, Zuko goes too far in empathizing and falls into the trap of outright projecting. He assumes Katara would want precisely what he himself would want (and to be fair, Katara did act in ways that suggested that). However, this projection is never forced onto her. When Katara doesn’t act in ways Zuko would expect her to, he observes, internalizes and learns instead of resenting her for it, and this is how we know he’s being genuine. He’s not too caught up in his own wants, or his own assumptions of right and wrong, to trample over her ability to determine what’s right for herself.

Moreover, he gives Katara space all throughout the episode. Zuko is not a bad influence for Katara because he’s not trying to act as an influence to begin with. Quite the opposite, he keeps his distance. He waits for her to wake up to talk to her, though it’s blatantly implied that he has a strong desire to do so (he does wait up all night!). During and after the mission, he doesn’t even address her unprompted, only with mission-related things. He never passes judgment on her actions or desires. Zuko is too respectful of Katara’s anger at him to push his presence or ideals onto her.

(Interestingly enough, the only time we see Zuko nudge Katara toward an action, he... realizes she’s tired and tells her she should get some rest. This is an act of genuine and selfless care on his part, and Katara opens up to him as a direct response to his worry).

In any case, Zuko is being guided by what he believes Katara needs. This is emphasized in the text. Not only is this his only argument to Aang when the mission is first brought up (”she needs this”) but once she forgives him, he is able to admit he was wrong... not about his motives, or his outlook, but her needs (and so was Aang, for that matter, which is pretty much the point: The only one who can determine what’s right for Katara is Katara herself). Whatever his mistakes were, Katara’s needs were Zuko’s motivation and the thing he sought to cater to when offering to help, and he did that in a way that prioritized her agency over his wishes and assumptions.

This is not him just speaking empty words or fooling himself. The subtext backs it up. He sets out to help her (his words) and help her he does. Zuko shows it with his actions. He does all of the heavy lifting in regards to the mission. He’s taking care of logistics and strategy. He’s monitoring her emotional state. He’s doing much of the “dirty work” including threats, intimidation, and neutralizing bystanders, to ensure Katara’s journey is as smooth-sailing as possible. Katara takes the reins whenever she wishes to, and relies on him whenever she needs to.

Similarly, his support of her is not a front or a pretense to influence her decisions. Zuko is constantly characterized as earnest and socially awkward beyond this episode; the idea of him being selfish, underhanded and opportunistic is blatantly antithetical with all we know him to be already. He can be sarcastic and aggressive, but he doesn’t have a deceitful or manipulative bone in his body (which is explicitly what set him apart from Ozai and Azula). Zuko’s help isn’t transactional or conditional, and his actions don’t have ulterior motives. He’s offering support because he thinks it’s the right thing to do, and while he hopes that doing the right thing will eventually speak for itself (which is a natural thing to hope for in his position) this isn’t something he expects, demands, or acts entitled to.

Bottom line is, Zuko helps Katara even though he has no guarantee she will forgive him afterward. He would have helped her even if he’d had nothing to prove because this is bigger than his ego. He’s considerate of her afterward, too, because his consideration isn’t dependent on what he gets in return. This is consistent with his attitude toward everyone else (including the other two “field trips”). If you believe he’s being self-serving when going on this mission with Katara, then the same should apply for everything else he did for the Gaang. Zuko does want to prove himself, but he proves to the Gaang he’s trustworthy by being trustworthy, not by pretending to be. His attitude toward Katara is no different on this end.

Lastly, and perhaps more of a sidenote, another point to consider is that portraying Zuko as a bad influence who was acting solely on his selfish desires is denying Katara’s agency in all of this. Katara was far beyond anyone’s influence, be it Zuko, Aang, Sokka or anyone else. Zuko does state his willingness to help as a fact, but we see Katara instigating the trip right then and there out of her own free will - it’s not like Zuko kidnaps her and forces her to face Yon Rha to atone for his sins, or that he begrudges her acting in ways he wasn’t expecting. Similarly, forgiveness is Katara’s choice alone, and this episode goes to great lengths to portray it as a deeply personal matter. It’s not something that’s imposed or demanded of her; Zuko doesn’t even bring it up again after their mission.

So in the end... yes, Zuko made errors of judgment over the course of The Southern Raiders and corrected when proven wrong (it’s called growth). His wants and desires impacted his actions, but this admission can, should, and does coexist with the fact that he prioritized Katara’s needs before his own, and his behavior toward her was a genuine display of support.

[chainofclovers]

Ted Lasso 2x8 thoughts

I am so lucky that the creators of Ted Lasso decided to make this entire show specifically for me. #blessed

If last week felt like a bit of breathing room (albeit tense, poignant, character-progressing breathing room) with distinct narrative lines, this week’s episode was a chaotic yet tightly-written swirl of pain and hope and sadness! No neat subject headers for this one, y’all. Just my brain and heart in the inadequate form of a bulleted list. It is the medium available to me at this time.

I am going to remember the moment when Ted calls Sharon and tells her his father killed himself for the rest of my life.

(I could say a bunch of stuff about his face and what he says and how he tries to hide his tears from Beard right after and how insanely much I adore this character and ahhhhhhhh but I’m just going to leave that scene there in our collective memories.)

Jamie. JAMIE. Higgins has given some great advice about love on this show, but his musings about his up-and-down relationship with his own father were not helpful in the context of Jamie’s dad, who is an abusive piece of shit. I really adore that all of the main AFC Richmond staff members are realistically a bit hit-or-miss with their advice and life philosophies (some are mostly miss this season, of course).

And I am completely in awe of the moment when Jamie punches his father. The way he just stands there after Beard kicks his dad out of the locker room. The way you can hear a pin drop. And Roy—Roy who is learning in so many areas of his life about his influence on people, learning that the things he needs aren’t necessarily the same as the things other people need—is the one to cross the room and hug him. Hold him, really, with the tenderness Ted used when he hugged Rebecca outside the gala in 1x4. God.

I’ve thought a lot about how s1 was about giving people a soft place to land. There’s always an angel there when you need one. There’s always an opportunity to be kind. If you look for someone, you find them. If you look for the good in someone, you find the good. And as everyone works through their individual journeys in s2, that can’t always be the case anymore. But there are still so many moments of angels on this show, and it’s not about chance and serendipity and fate [not that it was about that in s1] but about the effort it takes to become someone who can be there for someone else. Or who can be there for yourself. I’m so proud of Jamie for physically fighting back against his father. I’m so proud of Roy for being the one who recognized what Jamie needed.

I have every feeling in the world about how Ted is almost totally frozen both times (s1 and s2) he witnesses Jamie’s father abusing him. In s1, he was still there for Jamie after, and I have every reason to believe he’ll be there for Jamie after this incident as well, but that frozen stance HURTS. He’s in so deep with his pain about his own father that it’s like he physically cannot snap out of it to act in the moment. It seems entirely outside of his control, and it breaks my heart, because Ted wants so badly to be a good father, a good coach, a good friend, a good partner, a good patient. He’s there for people in all kinds of ways, even in his current less-than-capable state. He takes care of Sharon post-concussion and even gets her a new bike! During the disastrous match at Wembley his coaching is ineffectual and everything is chaos but he’s the last one standing on the pitch! But this really awful thing keeps happening to Jamie and Ted is just…frozen in the face of it. Like one of those nightmares where you’re running in place.

The frozen-in-place nightmare also kind of applies to the way the total separation between Ted and Rebecca feels, too. I have never for a moment doubted the writers’ intentions in setting these characters up as soulmates on parallel journeys, and I’m actually really digging (on a story level) how disconnected they are right now. It is IMPRESSIVE that their absence in each other’s lives feels like such a glaring loss, one we cannot forget even as there are so many other things happening onscreen. It is 100% not just shipper goggles making me process information about Ted while thinking about Rebecca and information about Rebecca while thinking about Ted. I know there are a lot of really angry and frustrated people in the fandom right now (both T/R shippers and T/R antis and non-shipping fans who don’t get why s2 is different from s1) and while I understand being frustrated by choices characters make, and frustrated by the feelings the show makes us feel that we just want to feel more of or less of, I continue to agree with pretty much every narrative choice happening right now.

Agreeing with the narrative like this?! This is such a unique experience for me as a viewer—to feel like I’m on a ride that is at once absolutely wild and incredibly sensible and well-crafted, and to feel simultaneously completely invested and anticipatory and speculative but also totally willing to trust where it goes. I long for Ted and Beard to really talk. I long for Ted and Rebecca to stop missing each other. I long for Roy to have a serious conversation with Ted about what’s happening with him. I long for Keeley to find a vocation, something that drives her beyond her projects. I long for so many things! But I wouldn’t long for them if this show was less good. If the show was less good, I wouldn’t have a wish list a mile long because I wouldn’t be so attuned to the details and potential lurking in every scene. THIS IS SUCH A GOOD SHOW, I CANNOT HANDLE IT, I LOVE IT SO MUCH.

(To that end, a great deal of the Ted Lasso tag and so many Twitter reactions reactions to the show feel super stressful right now and I am kind of just trying not to look?! I love this fandom so much because of the amazing conversations that happen and because of brilliant fic and because there are some awesome people I never would have encountered were it not for this show. That little bubble is wonderful and I’d stay in this fandom no matter what in order to keep experiencing those things. But fans’ catastrophic reactions to every little thing that happens, every little choice a character makes that isn’t the “perfect” choice? The takeaway that the writers—on this show of all shows—wake up in the morning ready for another day of torturing shippers rather than another day of writing a beautiful story they genuinely want to write? I do not enjoy those parts at all. I would like to opt out of those parts. I’m having such a magical experience watching this show and talking about this show and listening about this show and writing about this show with a variety of people who feel all kinds of ways. I truly wish I could somehow transfer the energy of this experience onto all the people who are hating it right now. I don’t mind at all that people are having vastly different reactions to this show and are sharing their honest feelings, including the really angry ones (I can appreciate something and disagree with it!), and I get that sometimes the language of fannish reactions is intentionally, ironically hyperbolic. But there feels like this very serious trend of people legitimately thinking writers on this show are targeting shippers and have lost respect for their characters, and I just feel like an alien from another planet when I see that stuff. I guess I just feel like people make art because they want their art to be visible to other people and to themselves, but that doesn’t typically involve specifically catering to or torturing a subset of that audience?)

I am more fascinated by Sharon Fieldstone than ever before. I have been running through every single action with her and Ted so many times. The confirmation that she’s living in club-provided housing (that could not look more different from Ted’s club-provided flat). Ted clearly noticing the many bottles. Sharon’s face while she tries to casually recycle them. (Sharon could legitimately have a more problematic relationship with alcohol than Ted does, and I find that extremely interesting and am very curious to find out what happens there.) Sharon leaving him voice notes while she’s concussed, probably because she’d been thinking about him shortly before the accident. The way Ted calls her and does all the funny voices and it’s not frustrating like all the times he uses his silliness and allusions to deflect during their prior conversations because this time, those behaviors are just a part of him showing care for another person. The way they stretch each other, and Ted is still wrong about the things he’s been wrong about, but they both grow all the same.

While it is pretty much impossible for me to imagine that this show would include an actual romantic relationship between Ted and Sharon (it would be beyond unethical even if they could write it well, and Sharon in particular is so professional and committed to her work, and it would erase so much of the powerful message about the importance of seeking therapy from a professional who is not your friend or partner, and I would totally hate it), watching this episode was the first moment I had this queasy little feeling that it’s possible that Ted could end up developing really complicated feelings about Sharon since, at this point, he’s been honest with her about things he’s hardly spoken about before and you can really form an attachment to people you feel safe with in a new way. (I mean, I’m sure Michelle knows what happened with Ted’s father, but I’m not even certain if Beard does.) He’s so broken right now, and Sharon is such a great person and so different from anyone else in his life (even though Rebecca is also different, and Beard is also different, and Roy is also different, and so on), that I could see things getting really fuzzy for him. I continue to have faith in the way the storylines on this show are handled. I’m just. Putting this here.

(In saying that, though, I also wanna make it really clear that I don’t just automatically assume anytime a new female character is introduced that they’re going to end up becoming a romantic complication. Like, Phoebe is allowed to have a teacher who is an attractive woman and AFC Richmond is allowed to have a sports psychologist who is an attractive woman and Keeley is allowed to talk to Jamie Tartt without it threatening what she has with Roy and all these people can exist as human beings without the introduction of romantic drama.)

Isaac gives every player one haircut per season, OH MY GOD. The JOY during the haircut scene. YES.

KEELEY AND REBECCA. Their text thread. The affirming video call right before Rebecca goes into the restaurant. The way Keeley sits all snuggled up against Rebecca in her office.

I was pretty thoroughly spoiled for the Sam and Rebecca plot through 2x8, and I was bracing for something far more problematic and tortured than what happens in this episode. The words I would use to describe their scenes: awkward, cute, cringy, and understandable. There are a million reasons why this relationship isn’t sustainable, but I felt completely understanding of both their choices here. This show has a lot of thesis statements, but I keep going back to the idea from 2x1 that there are people who enter your life to help you get to the next point, and I think it’s entirely possible that Sam and Rebecca will mutually be that for each other.

I find comparisons between Rupert and Rebecca super upsetting. There are absolutely meaningful things to say about the irony of ending up in a situation with an uncomfortable resemblance to certain taboo elements of an ex’s situation. But that ex is abusive and manipulative and cruel and Rebecca has exhibited NONE of those behaviors, and it makes me really sad to think that people feel that the writers on this show have betrayed Rebecca in giving her this storyline.

As always, I reserve the right to keep blathering about this show. I’ve had a headache for a couple of days, but my head is also so full of 2x8 thoughts that I couldn’t keep them in even if the circumstances for writing this were not ideal. I kind of hate that I’ve included frustrated fandom thoughts within the analysis of what I felt was an absolutely gorgeous, complicated, heartbreaking, near-perfect episode of television, but if ya can’t be a little dramatic on your own tumblr while you’re feeling raw and under the weather, where can ya?

[kaile-hultner]

Nihilism is so easy, which is why we need to kill it

(I initially published this here a couple weeks ago.)

So last night it dawned on me that, after over two years of being relatively symptom-free, my depression snuck back up on me and has taken over. It’s still pretty mild in comparison to other times I’ve been stuck in the hole, but after 24 months (and more) of mostly being good to go, I can tell that it’s here for a hot minute again.

How do I know? Well, it might be the fact that I spent more time sleeping during my recent vacation from work than I did just about anything else, and how it’s suddenly really hard for me to stay awake during work hours. I don’t really have an appetite, and in fact nausea hits me frequently. I don’t really have any emotional reactions to things outside of tears, even when tears aren’t super appropriate to the situation (like watching someone play Outer Wilds for the first time). And I’ve been consuming a lot of apocalyptic media, to which the only response, emotional or otherwise, I can really muster is “dude same.”

For a long time I was huge into absurdist philosophy, because it felt to my depressed brain like just the right balance between straight up denying that things are bad (and thus we should fix them, or at least try to do so) and full-blown nihilism. This gives absurdism a lot of credit; mostly it’s just a loose set of spicy existentialist ideas and shit that sounds good on a sticker, like “The only way to deal with an unfree world is to become so absolutely free that your very existence is an act of rebellion.”

In the last couple years, while outside of my depressive state, I went back to Camus’ work and found a lot of almost full-on abusive shit in it. Not toward anyone specifically, but shit like “nobody and nothing will care if you’re gone, so live out of spite of them all” rubs me the wrong way in retrospect. The philosophy Camus puts out opens the door for living in a very self-destructive fashion; that in fact the good life is living without care for yourself or anyone/anything else. The way Camus describes and derides suicide especially is grim as fuck, and certainly I would never recommend The Myth of Sisyphus to anyone currently struggling with ideation. That “perfect balance” between denial and nihilism is really not that perfect at all, and in fact skews much more heavily towards the latter.

Neon Genesis Evangelion has been a big albatross around my neck in terms of the media products I’ve consumed in my life that I believe have influenced my depression hardcore. It sits in a similar conversational space to Camus’ work, in that it confronts nihilism and at once rejects and facilitates it. A lot of folks remark that Evangelion is pretty unique – or at least uncommon – in its accurate portrayal of depression, especially for mid-90s anime properties. The thing I notice always seems to be missing in these discussions is that along with that accurate portrayal comes a spot-on – to me, at least – depiction of what depression does to resist being treated. This is a disease that uses a person’s rational faculties to suggest that nobody else could possibly understand their pain, and therefore there’s no use in getting better or moving forward. Shinji Ikari is as self-centered as Hideaki Anno is as I am when it comes to confronting the truth: there are paths out of this hole, but nobody else can take that step out but us, and part of our illness is that refusal to do just that. Depression lies, it provides a cold comfort to the sufferer, that there is no existence other than the one where we are in pain and there is no way out, so pull the blanket up over our head and go back to sleep.

Watching Evangelion for the first time corresponded with the onset of one of the worst depressive spirals I’ve ever been in, and so, much like the time I got a stomach virus at the same time that I ate Arby’s curly fries, I kind of can’t associate Evangelion with anything else. No matter what else it might signify, no matter what other meaning there is to derive from it, for me Eva is the Bad Feeling Anime™. Which is why, naturally, I had to binge all four of the Evangelion theatrical releases upon the release of Evangelion 3.0+1.0 Thrice Upon A Time last month.

If Neon Genesis Evangelion and End of Evangelion are works produced by someone with untreated depression just fucking rawdogging existence, then the Eva movies are works produced by someone who has gone to therapy even just one fucking time. Whether that therapy is working or not is to be determined, but they have taken that step out of the hole and are able to believe that there is a possibility of living a depression-free life. The first 40 minutes or so of Evangelion 3.0+1.0 are perfect cinema to me. The world is destroyed but there is a way to bring it back. Restoration and existence is possible even when the surface of the planet might as well be the surface of the Moon. The only thing about this is, everyone has to be on board to help. Even though WILLE fired one of its special de-corefication devices into the ground to give the residents of Village 3 a chance at survival, the maintenance of this pocket ecosystem is actively their responsibility. There is no room or time for people who won’t actively contribute, won’t actively participate in making a better world from the ashes of the old.

There are a lot of essentialist claims and assumptions made by the film in this first act about how the body interacts with the social – the concept of disability itself just doesn’t seem to have made it into the ring of safety provided by Misato and the Wunder, which seems frankly wild to me, and women are almost singularly portrayed in traditionalist support roles while men are the doers and the fixers and the makers. I think it’s worth raising a skeptical eyebrow at this trad conservative “back to old ways” expression of the post-apocalypse wherever it comes up, just as it’s important to acknowledge where the movie pushes back on these themes, like when Toji (or possibly Kensuke) is telling Shinji that, despite all the hard work everyone is doing like farming and building, the village is far from self-sufficient and will likely always rely on provisions from the Wunder.

As idyllic as the setting is, it’s not the ideal. As Shinji emerges from his catatonia, Kensuke takes him around the village perimeter. It’s quiet, rural Japan as far as the eye can see, but everywhere there are contingencies; rationing means Kensuke can only catch one fish a week, all the entry points where flowing water comes into the radius of the de-corefication devices have to be checked for blockages because the water supply will run out. There is a looming possibility that the de-corefication machines could break or shut down at some point, and nobody knows what will happen when that happens. On the perimeter, lumbering, pilot-less and headless Eva units shuffle around; it is unknown whether they’re horrors endlessly biding their time or simply ghosts looking to reconnect to the ember of humanity on the other side of the wall. Survival is always an open question, and mutual aid is the expectation. Still: the apocalypse happened, and we’re still here. The question Village 3 answers is “what now?” We move on, we adapt.

Evangelion is still a work that does its level best to defy easy interpretation, but the modern version of the franchise has largely abandoned the nihilism that was at its core in the 90s version. It’s not just that Shinji no longer denies the world until the last possible second – it’s that he frequently actively reaches out and is frustrated by other people’s denials. He wants to connect, he wants to be social, but he’s also burdened with the idea that he’s only good to others if he’s useful, and he’s only useful if he pilots the Eva unit. This last movie separates him and what he is worth to others (and himself) from his agency in being an Eva pilot, finally. In doing so, he’s able to reconcile with nearly everyone in his life who he has harmed or who has hurt him, and create a world in which there is no Evangelion. While this ending is much more wishful thinking than one more grounded in the reality of the franchise – one that, say, focuses on the existence and possible flourishing of Village 3 and other settlements like it while keeping one eye on the precarious balancing act they’re all playing – it feels better than the ending of End of Eva, and even than the last two episodes of the original series.

I’m glad the nihilism in Evangelion is gone, for the most part. I’m glad that I didn’t spend roughly eight hours watching the Evamovies only to be met yet again with a message of “everything is pointless, fuck off and die.” Because I’ve been absorbing that sentiment a lot lately, from a lot of different sources, and it really just fuckin sucks to hear over and over again.

It is a truth we can’t easily ignore that the confluence of pandemic, climate change, authoritarian surge and capitalist decay has made shit miserable recently. But the spike in lamentations over the intractability of this mix of shit – the inevitability of our destruction, to put it in simpler terms – really is pissing me off. No one person is going to fix the world, that much is absolutely true, but if everyone just goes limp and decides to “123 not it” the apocalypse then everyone crying about how the world is fucked on Twitter will simply be adding to the opening bars of a self-fulfilling prophesy.

We can’t get in a mech to save the world but then, neither realistically could Shinji Ikari. What we can do looks a lot more like what’s being done in Village 3: people helping each other with limited resources wherever they can.

Last week, Hurricane Ida slammed into the Gulf Coast and churned there for hours – decimating Bayou communities in Louisiana and disrupting the supply chain extensively – before powering down and moving inland. Last night the powerful remnants of that storm tore through the Northeast, causing intense flooding. Areas not typically affected by hurricanes suddenly found themselves in a similar boat – pun not intended – to folks for whom hurricanes are simply a fact of life. There’s a once-in-a-millennium drought and heatwave ripping through the West Coast and hey – who can forget back in February when Oklahoma and Texas experienced -20 degree temperatures for several days in a row? All of this against the backdrop of a deadly and terrifying pandemic and worsening political climate. It’s genuinely scary! But there are things we can do.

First, if you’re in a weather disaster-prone area, get to know your local mutual aid organizations. Some of these groups might be official non-profits; one such group in the Louisiana area, for example, is Common Ground Relief. Check their social media accounts for updates on what to do and who needs help. If you’re not sure if there’s one in your area, check out groups like Mutual Aid Disaster Relief for that same information. Even if you’re not in a place that expects to see the immediate effects of climate change, you should still consider linking up with organizing groups in your area. Tenant unions, homeless organizations, safe injection sites and needle exchanges, immigrant rights groups, environmental activist orgs, reproductive health groups – all could use some help right now, in whatever capacity you might be able to provide it.

In none of these scenarios are we going to be the heroes of the story, and we shouldn’t view this kind of work in that way. But neither should we give into the nihilistic impulse to insist upon doing nothing, insist that inaction is the best course of action, and get back under the blankets for our final sleep. Kill that impulse in your head, and fuck, if you have to, simply just fucking wish for that better world. Then get out of bed and help make it happen.

[freddiekluger]

please drop the essay length analysis Judas and Jesus (extra gay Swedish edition), O great and knowledgeable monarch of our times

alright, you ask i deliver! please excuse any typos, my eyes aren't exactly working rn

welcome to my probably super subjective but correct analysis, aka

Judas Was Right and Jesus Was A Victim (At Least, In Swedish)

Before we get started, a couple points: i’ll try to avoid comparisons to other specific productions, i’ve only seen the other recorded 2012 british version which i didn’t like for reasons including but not limited to the amount of white people with dreadlocks. Also, my understanding of swedish is limited to a couple words and phrases, so most of the lyrics i reference will be english subtitles from Ola Salo’s swedish translation and therefore might not be the most accurate !

There’s so much i could cover in this, but for now i’m going to focus on how jesus and judas are portrayed in the 2014 swedish arena tour of Jesus Christ Superstar (JCS) starring Ola Salo as Jesus and Peter Johansson as Judas, along with how this production more implicitly views god. 

From the opening number, translated into swedish as En Dimmig Himmelsdröm (A Foggy Heaven’s Dream), Peter Johansson’s acting and semantic differences in the lyrics present us with a deeply sympathetic portrayal of Judas. Looking purely at language, the english equivalent Heaven On Their Minds instantly paints Judas as much more of a faithless doubter- lyrics exclusive to the english version like “all your followers have gone blind / too much heaven on their minds” and “they think you’re the new messiah / and they’ll hurt you when they find they’re wrong” strongly enforce Judas’ main motivation for his actions being that he has less belief in Jesus and God’s plan than any of the other disciples with strong statements judging the other disciples for following him and claiming that Jesus ISN’T the messiah. The swedish translation doesn’t paint exactly the same picture- the focus of Judas’ number becomes his fear for Jesus’ wellbeing, not because he isn’t the messiah (the production remains fairly ambiguous on this point), but because Jesus can’t cope. The root of Judas’ concern comes from fear for Jesus’ wellbeing, and the disciples are referenced as regularly misunderstanding and wilfully twisting Jesus’ words. The swedish equivalent lyrics for the above examples are “they say, “jesus is god’s son” / but you know how people can change” (judas isn’t concerned with truth, just the danger that jesus will be in if the tide turns), and “the kingdom of heaven is within us, that’s what you said / bu they sew it, stitch by stich into some kind of foggy heaven’s dream”. Judas is showing that he HAS been listening and cares for Jesus’ teachings, but ‘they’ [his disciples] are turning them into something else entirely, and Judas’ worries that the support of the masses is fragile at best- the lines “and everything you say gets twisted by your lackeys / it will be anything but what you’ve said”  and “you are being used by people who want you in their battle” reinforces this again. When combined with Peter Johansson’s tough but tender performance, in which he dances between disdain for Jesus, the institution, and affection for Jesus, the man (an important distinction), Judas is the harsh realist doing his best to look out for the man he loves. The way he takes Jesus hands and looks at him with love and urgency straight away establishes that his motivations are pure- Judas is doing what he thinks is best, even though it feels like no one will listen to him. 

That was long, but En Dimmig Himmelsdröm is the perfect character introduction for Judas. He’s not totally unrecognisable, still delivering digs about ‘Jesus, the little carpenter’s son’, his manner is still rough and at this point we’re not sure whether or not the claims he makes about the disciples have any truth to them, BUT we can also see how much Jesus means to him, an important point that give context to the intensity of their future arguments and really makes the whole story much more heartbreaking.

This brings me to Ola Salo’s Jesus. Delightfully camp and queercoded, Judas describes him as being caught up in his own magic and mystery and buckling under the pressure, and he’s not entirely wrong. Throughout the first act, Jesus basks in the luxuries that being messiah can give him (the oils Mary paid for using disciple funds that were supposed to go towards helping the poor, him absolutely thriving in the shopping cart in What’s the Buzz?), and is shown actively avoiding any reminders of the seriousness of his position. He’s sick of the disciples asking him for a plan, he chooses the comforting Mary, who’s theme consists of telling Jesus everything is okay and he doesn’t need to think about anything, over Judas, who is less perhaps ‘cosy’ but is actively trying to warn and protect Jesus from an awful fate. During The Temple, he starts to crack as he’s overcome by the followers begging him to make him well, fear in his eyes as he raises his arms while frozen on the spot trying to avoid being devoured by the frenzy in desperate need of a messiah. Judas’ point about Jesus buckling under the pressure is starting to look more and more reasonable, and the dashes of showbiz campness add to the sense that much of Jesus is a persona constructed for the masses to give himself enough distance to prevent him from being crushed by the weight of God entirely. Jesus, the institution, prances around, lays his hands on his followers, and projects an air of easygoing calm. Jesus, the man, is scared and alone, and Jesus, the man, really comes out in Last Supper, but before we get there, I want to circle back to the Jesus/Mary/Judas thing.

Jesus, Mary, and Judas are presented as a love triangle: so much so, that Judas seeing Mary sing of her love for Jesus (I Don’t Know How To Love Him) is actually played as the inciting incident that sends him to the pharisees. Judas, the picture of the jealous lover, storms onto the scene, breaking them up and attempting to kiss Jesus, who instead shoves him to the ground in disdain. Judas, who is perhaps a little controlling, realises that any influence he had over Jesus has gone, and it’s likely a combination of jealousy and the knowledge that Jesus won’t stop that prompts him to head to the pharisees. In his meeting with the pharisees (known in english as Damned For All Time, although that phrase doesn’t appear once in the swedish), Judas’ expresses outright that “I’m the one who sees / Jesus, he can’t handle it anymore” “the truth is that this hysteria is making him lose control”, once he can get past explaining how much this plan of action feels like a last resort. He never even verbally or physically accept the pharisees’ offer of money, he denies it twice before it is eventually thrown over him after he reluctantly gives them the date and time to find Jesus- we never even see him pick it up, unlike other productions which show Judas grabbing for the cash and place a higher emphasis on Judas making sure he ‘won’t be damned for all time’, painting Judas as far more self serving. When it comes to Jesus, Judas is active- he’s running around trying to help, caressing him, embracing him, grabbing his hand, kissing him. They share countless moment of intimacy, especially at the start, establishing the fondness between them instead of instantly jumping to their conflict. When it comes to Mary (and admittedly, this is partially because she’s a secondary character- don’t get me wrong I still love her and Gunilla Backman does a brilliant job), she’s much more passive. Other than the much more gentle kisses in I Don’t Know How To Love Him and her penchant for dabbing Jesus’ forehead, she’s mostly just ‘there’. She cares for Jesus after the fact, and even when performing acts of intimacy like the oil and the kiss, she maintains a lot of physical distance- her songs touch on this as, much like Jesus (admittedly for different reasons), she actively distances herself from feelings to protect herself, so naturally she literally places distance between herself and the object of her love.

This brings me back to Last Supper, Gethsemane ( I Only Want to Say), and the kiss of death that broke all of our hearts. Throughout this segment, this is when Jesus, the man, really comes through, and it’s devastating. In Last Supper, he properly expresses the sheer amount of loneliness he feels, reiterating how he feels everyone will forget about him once he’s gone, and doesn’t really care about him as a man (”for you, my blood is not worth more than wine / for you, my body is not worth more than bread” “you will have forgotten me as soon as i give up my life”). This devolves into the disciples fighting each other and, you guessed it, ignoring him. For the first time, Jesus meaningfully lets out his anger, and as it turns to Judas, Judas does the same. Because of the set up of their complicated romantic relationship and the stakes involved, the amount of personal attacks and anger that comes out of Jesus and Judas’ repeated fights (which get physical) make complete sense- Jesus’ frustrations come from the fact that his entire fate has been predetermined and to him, Judas is just another instrument in the ways he’s been controlled (both with Judas being his betrayer, but also the way that Judas’ constant advice and interference with Jesus’ life (most obviously, the mary thing) are acted by Ola Salo as becoming increasingly frustrating to Jesus)- these frustrations are directed at their real cause, God, in Gethsemane. Judas’ frustrations come from the fact that no matter how hard he tries to help Jesus and keep him safe, Jesus keeps rejecting his efforts resulting in “all that we’ve built up [being] destroyed”- Judas’ heart hasn’t just been broken by Jesus rejecting him romantically, but on every level. Here, he’s actually shown to be the disciple most passionate about helping people practically and long term, being the only one concerned about Mary taking money which was supposed to help people, manipulated by the pharisees with the promise of doing good for the masses, and criticising Jesus for how they could be doing so much for people, ending his part of Last Supper with “every time i look at you i ask myself why you let all your things go so wrong? / all i ever wanted was to help you”. 

This is also the point where Judas’ claims about the disciples are essentially confirmed, and this productions intent to portray Judas as more of a tragic hero become absolutely clear. In the english version, the disciples chorus remains virtually the same each time it appears, generally being far too calm considering their leader is about to die, revealing their aspirations to be apostles, and their intent to write the gospels to be remembered. the swedish translation still achieve this, but with variations from chorus to chorus it becomes much more poignant. i’m just going to stick to ttwo, which are choruses 1 and 3. In chorus 1, lines roughly translate to “i’ve always wanted to be an apostle / life is so nice when you’re saved/ then when we’ve got time we’ll write the gospels / then everything will be the way we want”-  the apostles declaring that life is so good when you’re saved supports Judas’ opening statement that they care more about some idea of heaven than anything else, not to mention ignoring the absolute horrors that Jesus will have to go through to be saved, while the final line about the gospels introduces their intent to change whichever details they need to make ‘everything the way we want’: once again, exactly what Judas warned us of in En Dimmig Himmelsdröm. In chorus 3, taking place after Judas storms out for the last time, these lines change to “never really liked that judas / never saw what jesus saw in him / then, when we’ve got time we’ll write the gospels / and we’ll angle it so he gets all the blame”. Judas as a sympathetic character is confirmed here, as the disciples straight up admit how they don’t like Judas anyways and intend to write him as a villain (also inadvertently admitting that, since they have to write the gospels to make it look like only Judas’ fault, Judas isn’t really the sole one responsible for everything that is to come). It’s deeply unsettling, and for me was the point where I really began to question how good any of these disciples were, and by extension, how good is this production’s God if his truly sanctified followers are acting like this?

Jesus vents out all of his anger and desperation in Gethsemane. He acknowledges his own powerlessness and begs him to change the plan, but with the dark stage and no response (along with Ola Salo’s spectacular acting) it becomes clear that if anyone is there, they’re certainly not listening (”you, who have all the power / can you please change the plan / for i can already feel the pain burning in me”). It’s worth mentioning that a lot of the imagery in this swedish version is much more intense than the english, both in this song and the production as a whole. Jesus plainly calls god “thoughtless”, begging to understand, and it’s that this point we realise that he agrees with much more of what Judas has been saying than he’s been letting on- Jesus’ faith appears to be the only thing keeping him from listening to Judas and running away. Judas’ messages about people misunderstanding Jesus’ words also come out (”you care that everyone sees / but not that anyone understands”), and his eventual agreeing to die is played less as an inspiring act of faith, and more an act of desperation as he realises, he realise has no other choice. In this song, we see just how much of Judas Jesus has valued and taken on board, and that his air of carefree aloofness which frustrated Judas was, as we’ve already touched on, a complete act. The line “might as well finish what i’ve... what YOU’VE started” is absolutely miserable, reinforcing one of the major themes of this production: the idea that Jesus and Judas were both just ordinary men tormented by futures defined by forces out of their control. Just as Jesus has absorbed Judas’ logic, as an audience so we have, and it’s difficult to view the rest of the play’s events as anything other than an immense and unnecessary act of cruelty.

we’re almost done i promise!

Even knowing what Judas has/will do, Jesus still greets him with love. Judas, still under the impression that Jesus will be okay and that he’s doing what’s best, approaches him with the utmost tenderness, and the kiss is a beautiful signifier of two things. For Jesus, the return of his love for Judas shows his realisation in Gethsemane that Judas isn’t the one who’s sealed his fate and has only being trying to help, it’s god himself who has decided Jesus’ future. For Judas, the kiss shows that despite all of the anger and frustration that has been pouring out of him, he truly does love Jesus, and the way he cradles the scared and alone Jesus to his chest afterwards shows just how much he wishes he could be the one to help him and keep him close. Even with all their arguments and dysfunction, here Jesus and Judas find comfort in each other, and it almost seems like everything will end up alright. It’s in this moment that Judas and Jesus are most identifiable not as enemies, or as villain and hero, but as archetypal lovers from a Shakespearean tragedy. Neither of them set out to hurt each other, but through miscommunications, their own flaws, and external forces (both natural and supernatural), their love is simply never to be. Furthermore, in the following torture and spectacle, everything that Judas predicted for Jesus is about to come true. Another detail I find interesting is the way that Jesus and Judas both sport black nail polish, leather pants, and similar length hair: along with just looking cool as hell, the similarities really reinforce how close they are and how much they influence each other- it feels like a contemporary version of carrying a cameo or a lock of your lover's hair with you, a way for 'star crossed lovers' to keep a piece of their beloved no matter what.

The disaffected persona of Jesus, the institution, comes back as he’s taken by the authorities and subsequently insulted, degraded, and whipped. Also the swedish version of The Arrest, when the chorus starts singing questions, contains this dick joke and I think we all deserve it: “why were you dating a whore? / talk about a huge magic wand!”

Skipping forward to Judas’ Death, this is where both his character and the production’s conception of god beautifully (and miserably) align. When Judas runs to the pharisees, minor semantic changes (along with the genuine concern and great acting from Peter Johansson) reinforce that this Judas genuinely didn’t know that Jesus would be beaten and sentenced to death the way he has been, and Judas’ concern regarding how things look is played less as ‘oh no people will hate ME!’, but how having sentenced the man you love to death is one nightmarish thing, but for everyone to think you did it knowingly and willingly and then congratulate you for it is unthinkable. Where the english shows Judas’ attempting to evade responsibility for Jesus death, the swedish is more focused on Judas’ guilt, horror, and regret. The english “I’d save him all the suffering if I could / don’t believe our good / save him if I could” is swapped in swedish for “If anyone should die here I should / don’t say I’m good / better if I died”. While the english statements are somewhat empty (sure, Judas says he’d save Jesus’ suffering if he could, but he can’t so we’ll never truly know) and are still focused on Judas’ attempt to construct himself as a good guy, the swedish translation has Judas admit his guilt (even if it’s not really his fault), and make the promise of “better if i died” which, given the name of this sequence, he later delivers on. When english Judas sings “Christ, I’d sell out the nation / For I have been saddled with the murder of you”, swedish Judas sings “Jesus, I’ve been deceived / because of my act your blood’s now being spilt”, and instead of ending this first section with “I should be dragged through the slime and the mud”, swedish jesus returns to the theme of character assasination with “i will be cursed as the one behind your murder”. 

The swedish translation of the next rework of I Don’t Know How to Love Him also places much more emphasis on Judas’ genuine romantic love for Jesus- we’d be here for hours if i listed everything but here are a few key contrasts. The english has Judas sing “I don’t know how to love him /  I don’t know why he moves me”, whereas the swedish has Judas crying while singing “how do I show my love / all I want is to be close to you”. Along with acknowledging Judas already loves Jesus, the entirety of this segment is shifted from Judas singing about Jesus in the third person ‘he’, to a direct address. Judas isn’t performing his sadness, or venting his emotions, he’s emitting one last desperate cry to the man he loves as he sobs on a stage completely shrouded in darkness, and it’s devastating. Peter Johansson lets his voice run raw as he’s belting, and interrupts lines with sobs, and this Judas answers the question of “do you love me too? do you care for me?” with a quiet “no”- Judas is about to go to his death convinced Jesus must hate him, just as Jesus will face his knowing his love inadvertently put him there.

We finally reach Judas’ actual death, and the production’s far more ambiguous (if not negatively geared) depiction of god comes to a head. Judas’ screaming at god the moment he realises that his god essentially forced Judas to be the one to kill Jesus (an act of ultimate cruelty given their love) comes across as horrifying in it’s validity, unlike in other english language productions where it follows the more common characterisation of Judas being an unbeliever who can’t take responsibility for his own actions. When he spits on the ground, screaming “you have murdered me!”, we can’t help but agree- Judas was trying everything he could to stop Jesus from dying, and yet here he is. Most notably, Judas doesn’t set up his own suicide- a noose literally descends from the heavens, already tied, and Judas is literally trapped between the edge of the stage, and the symbol of death behind him. Much like he didn’t choose to kill Jesus, Judas has no choice in his own suicide- it’s suggested to merely be another part of the plan god has for him, and Judas raising his arms to form a crucifixion pose before he finally turns and jumps, disappearing into the depths of the theatre as the rope trails down (somewhat evocative of a leap to hell), highlight the sick joke. Much like Jesus begging in Gethsemane, a plea with god that in anyway implies fault or cruelty is met with silence followed by a death sentence. 

When Judas reappears to the broken and bloodied Jesus in Superstar, he appears as more of a twisted hallucination than the literal spirit of Judas. He’s the opposite of everything he was in life, draped in colour, surrounded by red lighting instead of the signature blue, his hair quite literally let down, joking and dancing. Despite singing about him, Judas virtually ignores Jesus for the whole song except when he’s taunting him, snatching his hand away after a broken and desperate Jesus reaches out for the image of his beloved (refuting Judas’ belief that Jesus would die hating him), along with the swedish additions of Judas repeatedly addressing him as “little Jesus”. Where the living Judas was serious, sometimes harsh but always well intention, often paying more attention to Jesus than he received, this Judas is the opposite: light hearted but cruel, not caring about Jesus one bit. It’s somewhat an inversion of the beginning of JCS, where the tormented Judas was constantly reaching out to Jesus, and often met with scorn and insult (see: most of their arguments, this line from Everything’s Alright: “the thought is beautiful but quite unrealistic / yes, even quite stupid”). As the song goes on, and even as Jesus is crucified, the victorious scoring of the Superstar theme ends up reinforcing the cruelty and questioning of god distinctive of this production: Ola Salo’s Jesus is one of the bloodiest Jesus’s (Jesii?) I’ve been able to find, with blood covering his torso, his arms, and all over his face, not in passive dribbles, but violent ‘swooshes’ spreading out from his eyes, emphasising the fear and pain contained within them. As the music suggests how great and wonderful Jesus’ death is, the images straight out of a horror movie before us don’t seem to match up: as both Judas and Jesus question, if no one is understanding what Jesus is saying, why kill him? instead of making a point, you’re ensuring that the falsehoods continue to circulate, unless spreading the true message isn’t really the intent at all. or, simply that Jesus was wrong: his interpretation and teachings of god were far too kind and practical, and the true god really is the one that he briefly saw in the garden of Gethsemane, and that Judas saw before his death- a cruel and vindictive god using them for his own sick purposes. If you're a strong Christian, I'm sure you could watch this production and still believe that God was right (although I think Jesus and Judas being in love counts as blasphemy), but I think in doing so you'd lose part of what makes this production so hard hitting and, as i keep saying, devastating.

that’s pretty much it for this one! i feel like jesus and judas as a queer couple is less significant to this production than the fact that it’s specifically jesus and judas that are in love - they don’t face explicit homophobia as such, although i do think the paratextual and historical associations of queerness (both with them each looking visibly queer, and them as a couple) adds a beautiful dimension by subverting the standard christian teaching of Jesus’ sacrifice as “a love that changed the world” and making the love that truly could have been transformative (and was, to a degree) the love between Jesus and another man, not to mention the way in which queerness is often viewed as radical perfectly upholding the ‘radical’ views of god and the story of Jesus shown in the production. Why wouldn’t the love between two men be the love which has us questioning god, faith, and that which many of us have been taught since birth? Ola Salo has talked about how he’s able to be positive and negative towards christianity, along with how he wanted Jesus and Judas to really represent two sides of the same coin (’faith and intelligence’), and being bisexual along with having alluded to being raised christian (not to mention Breaking Up With God, a song by his band The Ark), it’s not surprising he’s managed to present such a nuanced and layered interpretation of Jesus Christ Superstar that even me, a trans exvangelical, can fall in love with.

UPDATE: @bands-and-hobbits has just let me know that Ola's dad was a priest! Apparently he's said that he liked the organs and the music, but that was all when it comes to christianity, which (when combined with Ola stating in interviews that the JCS soundtrack has been one of his favourite albums since he was 14) makes a lot of sense about the level of familiarity he had with the text giving him confidence to go in and make changes to really capitalised off of some of the themes that are hinted at in the english version- you have enough information to understand how everything works together, but aren't so dedicated to preserving belief that you feel you can't improve/change things (and my god are we glad he did)

[frederickthegreat]

my thoughts on TUA season 2

(spoilers, obviously)

- opened with Klaus and Ben, my kings. Klaus’s hair looks so weird straightened while short 

- AWESOME opening soundtrack 

- seeing all their powers so controlled makes me wonder how they leveled up to that skill in the alternate timeline. like the only time we saw Klaus use the powers of other ghosts in the correct timeline was when two of them caught him falling out of the sky. however Diego did end up controlling bullets and Allison used her voice to technically kill one of the Swedes

- the homeless man screaming Allison’s name alongside Luther... funny shit

- big teddy bear Hazel

- Elliot was fucking awesome i think he was a great addition as a side character. rip tho :(

- honestly i don’t understand why Diego would WANT to save JFK. like it’s not that big of a deal. does he not understand what messing with the timeline can do??

- Lila... impeccable

- Sissy and Vanya... impeccable <3

- yeah and fuck u Carl

- ugh, Klaus’s beard. disgusting <3

- Ben and Klaus definitely act like they should be, given that they’ve been stuck with each other for over a decade. i’ve seen some people calling Klaus an asshole for not telling his siblings about Ben, which is completely understandable (cause he was an asshole), but I’m guessing it was because he was afraid? that sharing Ben with his siblings would mean that he would lose him to them, or his siblings would find him selfish, or they would ask something of him that he couldn’t give. if that makes sense

- that ghost bitch comment was funny tho 

- to the guy who called Klaus pretty boy at the bar: sir you don’t know what you’re getting into

- Raymond!! he’s such a sweetheart, i really liked him in the show. i’m really happy that Allison has found a bit of normalcy (as normal as the 1960s Civil Rights movement could be). it shows how passionate she is about what she believes in: even though she knows the movement is far from over, even back in 2019, she’s not gonna abandon it

- Allison staring at the moon every night: either thinking about Luther or how the moon blows them all up. maybe both

- of course Luther would be working for Jack Ruby

- awesome cinematography during the mental asylum escape 

- yeah it makes sense that the Handler would still be alive. she was a cool villain. although it would’ve been awesome to see how evil a fish could be

- Diego’s plan was pretty stupid. that’s my boy

- honestly they revealed how Klaus started a cult really well by having one of his followers find him at jail. Klaus, ever the musical aficionado, of course writes his scripture based off of pop songs

- Raymond and Klaus meeting!! that was cool to see how their paths connected

- Lila painting Elliot’s toenails green. ugh i love that crazy bitch

- i LOVE how they incorporated the umbrella man!! tbh i’ve always believed he was the one behind the assassination. Lee Harvey Oswald was framed 

- honestly a bit understandable that Luther was planning on killing Vanya? cause he had no idea who she is now, but them reuniting was actually really sweet. he’s grown up so much

- the Swedes and their cats.

- the Umbrella company building with the nuclear family mannequins... creepy, awesome shit

- baby pogo baby pogo baby pogo baby pogo

- shanked diego shanked diego shanked diego shanked diego

- did anyone else get vibes from Klaus’s episode opening that he was an escort to the old woman? like how he was being shown off at her arm or something and getting out of jail from a call from the governor. idk maybe the lady was just very taken with him, as anyone would be

- Elliot, our helpful king

- Allison and Klaus’s reunion was so sweet!! i’m so glad they got to interact so much more in this season 

- Ben getting Raymond out through a haunting... hilarious

- sweet intimate moment between Lila and Diego

- Ray meeting Luther was hilarious, but i do feel for the poor guy. i mean i’m not in love with my adoptive sister but still

- the sit-in was really well done and beautiful while terrible. the ‘riot’ that ensued was very appropriate for today’s setting 

- D-Dave

- honestly i was scared that Klaus was gonna be overly attracted to him or whatever, which would be weird cause he’s years younger than Klaus, but honestly, at the core he just wanted to save Dave’s life. even if it means never meeting him in a different timeline. he truly loved Dave. and that ptsd flashback was done so well

- i knew Lila wasn’t trustworthy but i didn’t REALLY expect that! 

- Vanya and Luther talking with each other, Luther admitting the apocalypse wasn’t all her fault. beautiful

- the Majestic 12 reminds me of the conspiracy theory that only a few families control basically everything in the world. the Majestic 12 may be based off of that, idk

- idk about everyone else but Klaus’s scorpion and the frog story made total sense to me! frogs ARE bitches

- the diner scene.... ugh. it really shows that the two of them did fall in love and they did stupid in love things, like talking about their family, about why Dave wanted to join, favorite colors, favorite foods, etc. however that’s seen later on when Dave visits the compound

- yes it’s very disheartening when Klaus is attacked, but honestly i think it had to happen, just like the riot had to happen. the 60s weren’t a fun time for lgbt people and poc. it was only going to be a matter of time before the show HAD to acknowledge the consequences of Klaus’s ‘flamboyancy’ in 1963 Texas. it doesn’t make it right or easy to see, but it’s realistic. 

- it also makes sense that Klaus fell off the wagon after experiencing something like that. yes we all would’ve liked him to stay sober, but sobriety and recovery aren’t linear. 

- Allison is so happy with Ray can we please drop this pseudo-incest plotline let’s MOVE ON 

- Texas Grace ! who is not actually Grace rip (i think? i was a bit confused lol)

- the scene with Harlan running off was really upsetting but we got to see those weird light particles that we saw in the first season

- Pogo Pogo Pogo Pogo

- Klaus being a dick to Ben again, as brothers do. i do feel bad for Ben though it must be sooo frustrating. that scene with him and Allison was really sweet and funny tho

- i just have to say that Luther and Diego are so fucking funny this season it’s awesome. like there are a LOT of good lines overall by everyone but they’re hilarious. “At least he didn’t shank my ass” “no bro, he shanked your heart”“Dads part of a sinister CABAL that’s plotting on killing the president.” “a caBAL?”“You two still a thing? *leans in* do we need to talk?” “No, she’s married.” “Woah dude... that’s rough.” and countless others

- the sibling reunion!! 

- Klaus really does get left out of everything tbh

- Ben :(

- sisters and Klaus!! that was so awesome to see. and Klaus’s hairpins, Vanya saying she’s gonna tell Sissy she loves her, their dance sequence, Klaus calling Allison out on that incest. beautiful

- the fucking Swedish cover of Hello was PERFECT i mean i was sad for the Swedes but it was hilarious. there were a couple beautiful shots of the boat on fire though

- god it must’ve been so traumatizing for Allison to be thrust into such a hostile place with no voice and no way to contact her family

-  idk about you guys but long live Team Zero

- calling Ben that he was becoming their father was a bit uncalled for 

- the fact that Klaus didn’t help Dave’s chances, and in fact escalated Dave’s own timeline.. his trembling hands... robert sheehan is an amazing actor

- the Black president bit lmaoo loved it

- the way Reginald spoke to Diego.. i’m gonna throw hands with an old man

- Klaus LITERALLY looked like he was having a seizure and they all just... played it off?? 

- poor, poor Carl. nah fuck him lol

- that bloody opening scene was awesome! and thank god Five got to say fuck. the fact that it was about a candy bar makes too much sense

- Robert Sheehan acting as Ben: amazing showstopping spectacular he’s so talented

- the whole multiple Fives and Luther bit was honestly really funny, and i immensely respect smaller Five over bigger Five. 

- yes Klaus, you survived a family of seven. you got this

- not sad about Carl dying one bit!

- Ben... that was such a beautiful scene. not just the content of the scene, but the cinematography. Ben fading away... Vanya hugging him... ugh. the main takeaway i had from that scene is that at the core of it all, Ben and Klaus love each other immensely. they have a weird, dysfunctional, fucked up relationship, where Klaus is an asshole and Ben definitely shouldn’t of possessed him without his consent, but they’re still brothers, and Ben forgives him. 

- oof Ben’s funeral was hard. also was it just me or did Klaus’s kid actor sound weird? like it sounded like Robert was dubbing his lines 

- all the siblings back together again!!!! Klaus going with Vanya to save Harlan!! Vanya telling him Ben forgives him and that it wasn’t Klaus’s fault Ben got stuck with him!! everyone in the car!!! be still my beating heart

- yeah didn’t see Lila having powers coming tbh. i really feel bad for her she’s had such a rough and traumatic life, especially with the Handler as her only parental figure

- the Swede brother and Five putting down their weapons: “enough.” the Swede wanted revenge for his brothers - an eye for an eye, but there was a mutual understanding between the two of them: they would do anything for their family. if the Swede hurts one of the Hargreeves, Five would never stop coming after him. i thought it was very beautiful 

- mmm Reggie’s foreshadowing coming into play. proud of u Five

- the ending was so beautiful. everyone got closure in some type of way. except now Klaus is alone with nothing but his dog tags :(

- EMO BEN HAHAHA WTFFF?? is Lila in the sparrow academy? why was Ben’s portrait over the mantle piece? did Five disappear?? is the sparrow academy just older versions of the siblings who stuck around?? so many questions

FINAL THOUGHTS

- Ellen Page’s acting consistently blows me away. she is amazing 

- beautiful cinematography, funny writing, pretty good acting. i didn’t like the soundtrack as much as i did the first season’s, but some of it wasn’t bad.

- i’m glad ben got peace, but i’m also glad justin min isn’t gone for good. his social media presence is too vital for us

- i swear to god if they keep treating klaus as a joke and don’t let him get any actual development like everyone else had (he barely got closure with Dave, he reconciled with Ben through a second party) next season, i’m gonna riot. PLEASE i want to learn more about his powers now that Ben is gone. what happened to seeing tons of ghosts when he’s sober??

- Luther and Diego were probably my favorite duo of the season, I’m so happy that they’ve reconciled and are bonding more. 

- just seeing Vanya grow and be happy was amazing 

all in all, really wonderful season. i probably liked it better than the first one. now it’s time to consume fanfiction and maybe finish my own (check out “god doesn’t want him and neither does the devil” on ao3!)

[yuta-nakamots]

the christmas song - m.ti

Pairing - Taeil x Reader

Genre - Fluff, Single Parent!AU

Warnings - None (lmk if I should add any)

Summary - It wasn’t uncommon for when the weather grows colder, many hearts do as well. Though you hoped this was not true in the case of yours and Taeil’s, that the warmth of each other’s hearts would be enough to break the ice.

Word Count - 4.7k

Taglist - @ahgase55g7 @notnctu @yutacrush @pastelsicheng @puppywritings @neonun-au @dreamieofu

A/N - Inspiration: The Christmas Song by Michael Bublé. Special appearance by: @astroboy-lele​. This fic was also supposed to be released two days ago but finals has not been kind to me :’)

Written for the Taste of Winter Collab hosted by @dearyongs and @pastelsicheng. Also part of the Neowinter Festival hosted by @czennienet and the Neoholiday Festival hosted by @nct-writers.

When you had told your best friend, Furou, that you’d pick up her son from preschool, you thought that you’d just pop in and get the kid, that’s it. You didn’t know that you had signed yourself up to be the referee at a mini MMA fight.

“Xiaolong put the toy down.” You commanded the four-year-old you were supposed to be signing out. He was currently fighting over a little dragon figurine with a young girl who appeared to be his age or somewhere around there.

“No! I had it first!” He cried out. “Get your own dragon!” He yelled towards the girl.

“Xiao, give her the dragon, we’re going home.” You stated firmly.

He refused to give up the toy and started whining even louder, prompting you to pull the toy out of his grasp. “You need to learn how to share, young man,” you scolded before turning to the little girl he was fighting with, “I’m sorry about that sweetie, what’s your name?”

“Jaeha.” You were surprised when you heard two voices, one from the girl in front of you and another from behind you. Turning around, you were greeted by a handsome young man who you assumed was Jaeha’s father from the resemblance she bore to him. “Her name is Jaeha. Sorry about her, she’s a bit much to handle when she sees something she wants.”

“Oh, it’s alright, Xiaolong here needs to learn how to share things properly,” you motioned over to the said boy who still had his eyes on the little dragon in your hands, “I can’t believe he’s nearly five years old and doesn’t know what sharing is.”

“Jaeha’s the same way. It must be an age thing,” the man said with a chuckle, “Is he yours?”

Your eyes widened as you hurried to explain your relation to Xiaolong. “He’s not mine, I’m just here picking him up for my best friend. She has her hands full being a med student and all.”

“Ah, I see,” He remarked as he picked up Jaeha, “this little rascal is mine, though I wouldn’t trade her for anything else in the world.”

You felt a tug on your shirt and looked down to see Xiaolong still eyeing the toy. “No, Xiao, mommy is waiting for you at home. I can buy you a little dinosaur of your own if you want one so badly, how about that?” The boy broke into a smile at your offer.

“Oh, can you recommend some good kid’s stores in the area? I just moved here so I’m not too familiar with everything just yet.” The man informed you.

“At least you had the sense to come at the beginning of the school year, I pity the kids who are just thrown in during the middle of the school year,” you commented, “but the toy store I normally take this little guy to is the one near the end of this street, it’s in the little shopping center.”

“I’ll try taking Jaeha there once we get a little more settled in, thank you. My name is Taeil by the way. You are?”

“Y/n,” you said with a smile, “would you like my number? Like in case you ever need anything?”

“Yeah, sure! That’s very kind of you.” His voice was very sweet and kind of calming, you noticed.

When you were dropping Xiaolong of at Furou’s apartment, you couldn’t help but let her in on your encounter from just a little earlier. “Is he cute?” She asked, excited to hear you talk about a new man after your last relationship didn’t go so well.

“He is, but he Furou, I just told you that he has a daughter. He probably has a wife or at least a girlfriend if anything.” You didn’t want to get your hopes up in case this was true.

Furou hummed out in thought, “yeah well, you never know.”

You shrugged your shoulders, indifferent to the whole situation. “If you ever need me to pick him up again, feel free to call.” You said, nodding over to Xiaolong who was busying himself in front of the TV with his collection of toys.

A week later and you find yourself in a similar situation from the daycare, except this time it’s at the local swim center where you were supposed to be picking Xiaolong up from.

The only difference was that this time Taeil had gotten to the two fighting kids before you did. “Jaeha, no, Xiaolong had the goggles before you did. You can’t just take them from him when he’s clearly using them.”

Xiaolong made a face at her, seeing as how her own father sided with him. Jaeha made the same mocking face back at him. “But Daddy, he’s being mean.” She whined.

“That doesn’t mean that you have to act the same back to him.” Taeil explained calmly to the irritated four-year-old.

“Jaeha, how about you apologize to Xiaolong so he knows you’re sorry.” You proposed, joining Taeil where he stood in front of the two kids, both still dripping from being in the pool.

Jaeha let out a sigh before turning to Xiaolong. “I’m sorry for taking your goggles.” She admitted plainly.

“And?” Taeil prompted.

“And I won’t do it again.” Jaeha concluded.

You turned to Xiaolong, “do you accept her apology?”

“Do I have to?” He questioned.

“No, but it would be nice if you did.” You replied.

“Okay, then I guess I will.” You made a mental note to tell Furou that her son was getting increasingly sassier by the day so she better watch her mouth around him.

After both kids were sent off to go wash up and change, Taeil spoke up as you both waited for them to return. “Sorry about that again. If you don’t mind, how about I take you to lunch sometime as an apology.”

“No apology necessary but I like the sound of that. Are you free this week?” You inquired.

“Yes, actually. Does Friday work for you?” He appealed.

“It sure does,” you informed him with a smile, “we can talk about the details over text, the kids are coming back.”

Taeil’s smile mirrored yours as he agreed with you, “sounds like a plan.”

As you were dropping Xiaolong off at Furou’s once again, you told her about the new development in your relationship with Taeil. “Okay but no taken man would ask out a woman to lunch.” She commented.

“It could just be in a friendly manner because he said ‘as an apology’ for the kids fighting at swim class.” You reasoned.

“Check his ring finger,” Furou sighed out, “you need to check it next time you see him or else I really will strangle you.”

Your eyes widen at her statement. “Not every married or taken person wears a ring these days.”

Furou put her head in her hands. “You’re really frustrating to work with, you know,” she pauses as she looks back at you, “I’m rooting for you, I really am, so stop making excuses and actually try, will you?”

“Fine, fine, but if, and only if, he is single and is ready to be in a relationship.” You decided.

“Fair enough.” Furou agreed.

It was currently Wednesday and you had told your coworkers Xiaojun and Hendery about your upcoming dating on Friday. The three of you were hired around the same time under the marketing branch of Neo Corp. and quickly grew close to each other after finding out you were all the same age.

Part of your job as being part of the marketing team was to come up with possible marketing strategies for the company, which Hendery excelled at. Though sometimes, he got a little too extreme and that’s where Xiaojun comes in to moderate him. You did a little bit of both, coming up with the ‘Gen Z’ type of ideas with Hendery but also keeping things realistic and reasoning with Xiaojun why some ideas are better than others. Such was the case with your situation with Taeil.

“Do you know where he plans on going for lunch then?” Xiaojun asks, excited to hear about an actual possible relationship as opposed to Hendery’s weekly hook-ups.

You shook your head, “he said he would text me but he hasn’t yet.”

“Are you sure he even has your number?” Hendery chimed in.

“Yes, I’m sure. I told you that we traded numbers after the preschool incident.” You breathed out, wondering just how Hendery got himself hired.

He held his hands up in defense, “just double-checking.”

At that moment, your phone vibrated and you picked it up without much thought.

Unknown > y/n

11:46pm: Hi y/n, this is Taeil. I thought about this for a bit, and it’s actually quite embarrassing to admit, but I don’t really know where would be a good place to go for Friday. I’m open to any suggestions you have though, I trust your taste.

“Oh my gosh, guys he just texted me,” you exclaimed, “he said that he doesn’t know where to go and wants me to suggest somewhere to go.”

“How would he not know where to go?” Hendery wondered in disbelief.

“Hey, not everyone is level 100 at dating like you are.” Xiaojun teased though Hendery took it as a compliment and winked at him while laughing. “Anyways,” Xiaojun continued, “maybe you could go to that little coffee shop down the street. The one we ordered the sandwiches from last week.”

“Those were some pretty good sandwiches” Hendery interjected.

“Hmm, I actually like the sound of that. I’ll send him the address for it, thanks guys.” You told them appreciatively.

Xiaojun spun around in his chair, “wow, I can’t believe our y/n is finally going on a date for the first time in over a whole year.”

You looked up to shoot him a look. “It doesn’t help when all you men are so weird.”

“She’s not wrong.” Hendery commented in agreement.

When Friday came around, you couldn’t help but be excited for your little date with Taeil. You had even somehow managed to sneak out ten minutes before your lunch break began, though you probably should have just left then instead.

There was the familiar ding of the elevator when you hit the button and you hoped it wouldn’t take long since the indicator above the door showed it was coming down from one of the higher floors. You also hoped it would be empty since that was the floor the executives were on and you didn’t really want to be caught leaving for lunch earlier than you should be.

Luck clearly was not on your side when the door opened, revealing your director, Taeyong along with none other than Taeil. “...yeah she’s really nice and pretty cute too. I met her when I was picking up Jaeha from swim-” He barely managed to stop himself mid-sentence when he realized your presence.

“Good afternoon, Ms. y/n.” Taeyong greeted you as you stepped into the elevator next to him.

“Good afternoon to you too, Mr. Lee.” You replied, not missing the pout he made when you referred to him so formally.

“I told you to just call me Taeyong, we’ve worked together for almost five years now.” He whined, childishly stomping his foot to help get his point across.

You shook your head with a laugh. “I can’t help it, you’re my boss and we’re at work. When we’re not on the clock then maybe I’ll call you Taeyong,” you couldn’t hide your smile at the way his eyes filled with hope because of your words, “but right now you’re Mr. Lee, chief marketing officer of Neo Corp. and my head director, so let’s keep things professional.”

Taeyong let out another grumble, causing Taeil to chuckle, inadvertently reminding Taeyong of his presence. “Oh, right! Ms. y/n, this is Taeil, chief information officer. He just transferred over from our branch in Korea.”

You looked over at Taeil, unsure of how to react in case he wanted to keep your relationship on the low. “Ah, I actually met y/n last week.” He informed Taeyong, the two of them sharing a knowing look.

The elevator chimed once again as it slowed to a stop at a different floor. “Well it’s nice to know that you’re making friends here, Taeil,” Taeyong remarked as he stepped out of the elevator, “but I’ll see the two of you around, no funny business in the elevator!”

You laughed as the doors shut and the elevator continued on to the ground floor. “So, chief information officer? Really?” You asked in disbelief, turning to Taeil.

“Yeah, really.” He replied, a hand behind his neck as he looked away shyly. “I wasn’t planning on saying much about my job but since you’re in the company anyway, I guess there’s nothing to hide.”

“If anything, I have more to hide.” You joked, immediately stopping to explain when you see Taeil’s worried expression. “I mean like, with me leaving early for lunch right now and the other stuff that goes on in the marketing department since you’re an executive and all.”

“Oh, you can still talk to me, I promise I won’t tell Taeyong.” He said as you shot him a look while the elevator dinged once again, signaling its arrival.

Continuing your conversation on the walk to the cafe, you asked Taeil “why did you move here, especially since Jaeha is so young?”

“I was actually just recently promoted after the former head director retired,” he explained, “the branch in Korea isn’t as developed as the one here so the company asked me to move out to this one just to make things easier.” You nodded your head to let him know you were listening. “As for Jaeha, the timing worked out with school just starting up.”

“Don’t you have a wife or girlfriend that you could have left her with?” You question, hoping the question wasn’t too invasive.

Taeil hesitates a bit before responding. “Her mother...she passed away two years ago. I’ve spent so long mourning her loss and only recently did I decide that it was time for a change and the promotion came just like that.”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to-”

“No it’s totally fine, I understand where the curiosity came from.” Taeil interrupted, which you weren’t upset about at all.

Speaking with Taeil was surprisingly easy considering the fact that you’ve only known him for a little over a week. Even as the two of you ate, it wasn’t awkward like you thought it would be. You were able to connect with him as you spoke about the best places to shop or go to hang out. You even had enough confidence to ask him out on a date to one of the latter places, which he agrees to.

This first date turned into a second, then a third, and even up to a sixth. Xiaojun and Hendery are always asking for the latest details, wanting to be kept up to date with your budding relationship. You made sure to keep Furou in the loop too since she was the one who helped to start this relationship by asking you to pick up her son from preschool. Though again, she had called you to pick him up from his swim lessons since it was finals season and she forgot she had a paper due at midnight.

It was already November and the fall weather was changing to winter, even the heated indoor pool was not enough to keep the chill out of the room, causing you to shiver just a bit as you waited for Xiaolong’s class to end. You distracted yourself by watching the kids swim back and forth with their instructors and got so caught up in it that you nearly jumped out of your skin when Taeil sat down next to you.

Both of you laughed at the situation and began talking about anything that came to mind whether it be about work, Jaeha’s antics at home, a new recipe you tried out, you really felt like you could talk to Taeil about anything. It was quite disappointing when you heard the chatter from the kids as they all began getting out of the pool and going to change out of their swimwear.

You said goodbye to Taeil when Xiaolong and Jaeha came out, bickering as usual, though it seemed to be more friendly since it was about which superhero would win in a fight though neither side really wanted to admit defeat. As much as you wanted to watch them continue their debate, you knew Furou would be waiting for you so you helped Taeil end it and take the kids out of the building.

As you were getting into your car, you hear an engine struggling to start from nearby though you pay it no mind since the cold weather can cause cars to act up. You looked around, trying to figure out which car it was when you realized that the engine really wasn’t starting and found a very frustrated looking Taeil getting out of his car and opening the hood of it.

You told Xiaolong you’d be back in a bit before leaving to offer Taeil help in any way possible. You didn’t really know much about cars so it just ended up being you offering him a ride home, which he gratefully accepted since the sun was starting to set and the temperature continued dropping.

Taeil smiled at you once both of the kids were secured in the backseat and resumed their previous argument. “Thanks for being so nice and helping me out like this. You really didn’t have to.”

“I didn’t have to,” you agree, “but I wanted to.” You saw Taeil make a face out of the corner of your eye. “I’m sorry, was that too cheesy?”

“It was cheesy but I like it.” He chuckled, which was not a surprise to you after hearing the jokes he often makes.

The ride to Taeil’s apartment was rather peaceful aside from the kids in the back and it ended a little too soon for your liking but it seemed that Taeil was thinking the same was since he graciously invited you inside for a bit to thank you.

Jaeha was getting tired and cranky and started actually arguing with Xiaolong though Taeil quickly put it to rest when he turned on the TV and put on a show that he claims Jaeha has been really into these days. As soon as the kids are successfully distracted, the two of you decide to move your conversation to the kitchen where you won’t disturb them.

“Taeyong has been asking about you a lot these days.” He informs you.

You raise an eyebrow at this. “Really? What does he say about me?”

“Oh, nothing much. Just telling me to take good care of you and how he’ll send me back to Korea if I hurt one of his favorite employees.” He shakes his head at the playfulness of his fellow executive. “I didn’t know you were one of his favorites though.”

“You’d never believe this but he hired me on the spot after seeing a few of the ads I had put together for other companies.” You pulled out your phone to see if you still had pictures of them that you could show to Taeil. “Mr. Suh even said that he thinks Taeyong may or may not have had a crush on me, though he was leaning strongly towards the ‘may have’ side.”

“Ah, that’s Johnny alright. Always getting up in other people’s business. I’m surprised he’s not on me the way Taeyong is though.” Taeil laughed.

“Isn’t he busy with the foreign expansion project? Or is that not under his watch?” You ask.

Taeil shook his head, “it’s under him but he’s working with HR and finances as well so things are taking a while.”

“It’s HR, what do you expect?” You joke, drawing a chuckle from Taeil too.

“But anyway, I’m glad Taeyong didn’t act on his possible crush on you.” He states.

“Oh? And why is that?” You questioned.

“Well, you see, I actually really-” He was cut off by the sound of your phone ringing.

You pick it up, checking the caller ID, and let out a gasp when you see it was Furou and just how late it had gotten. “Hold on, I have to take this. Hello?”

You’re answered by the audio of Marlin from Nemo going “have you seen my son? Have you seen my son?” and nearly snort from how ironic it was.

“Sorry, I stopped by somewhere else for a bit. I’ll bring Xiao back in a bit, I promise.” You told Furou.

“Okay, but hurry up, his dinner's getting cold.” She grumbled.

You rolled your eyes, forgetting that she couldn’t see you. “You have a microw-” the beeping over the line interrupted you and you pulled the phone away from your ear only to see that she hung up on you. “That bitch, I swear-”

“Xiaolong’s mom?” Taeil guessed.

You nodded your head and let out a sigh. “I should get going before she gets any more pressed on where her son is. I’ll text you when I get home.”

“Alright, please drive safely.” He tells you as he goes to get Xiaolong from the living room.

The first snow had fallen in the second week of December, indicating that it was time for the annual marketing department’s holiday party. Most, if not all, of the people in the department, looked forward to the party since Taeyong had declared it to be totally informal, no treating people as superiors in the workplace, no formal mentions of names, nothing.

You knew a fairly large amount of people in the marketing department and most of them knew each other as well so it was easy to pinpoint an unfamiliar face in the crowd. “Who’s that guy in the corner over there?” Hendery asks you as you both stood in line for the buffet.

You looked over, finding the person in question, only to realize it was Taeil. Next to him was Taeyong who had caught you staring and waved at you. Taeil turned as well, smiling as you waved over at them before sending you a little finger heart. “Okay, now I really want to know who he is. What was all that about?” Hendery pressed.

“Can’t you see? That’s clearly Taeil,” Xiaojun butted in, “who else would she be giggling about when they send her a heart like that? You’re so dense sometimes.”

“Hey! That’s only sometimes though.” Hendery defends, emphasizing the word ‘sometimes’. “Let’s go sit at the table next to them. Xiaojun go sit down before someone else does.”

Xiaojun let out a whine. “That means I have to get out of line and get back in line once you guys already have your food though.”

“We won’t start eating without you, I promise.” You tell him.

Xiaojun caves at that and goes “ugh, fine” as he walks over to the table next to Taeyong, Taeil, and the other higher-ups.

“That promise only extends to you right? You didn’t say ‘we promise’, right?” Hendery whispers into your ear.

Scoffing, you hit his shoulder, “Be nice.” He rubs the spot where you hit him and mocks your expression.

Hendery’s teasing continues throughout all the games like ‘pin the tail on Taeyong’ when he insisted that you do it on Taeil, which Taeyong even supported and allowed to happen. This paired with when Hendery screamed out yours and Taeil’s names for the pocky challenge was really pushing your buttons but you couldn’t deny the fact that you enjoyed being with Taeil and getting to feel the slightest brush of his lips against yours.

“So, do you have any plans for the holidays?” You ask him as you take the seat next to him, seeing as how Hendery was actively talking to Taeyong who was currently in yours.

Taeil lightly hummed “mmm, no, not really. Why?”

“I was just gonna say that if you don’t have anywhere else better to be, I’d like it a lot if you were to come over to my apartment sometime.” You say shyly.

“I like that too,” he admits with a smile, “how about Christmas Eve? That way we don’t get in your way in case you have any plans for Christmas?”

“Yeah, that sounds good to me.” Laughter erupted from the table next to you and you looked over to see Taeyong all but choking down your glass of water with a half-eaten pepper in front of him while Hendery films him with his phone. “Thank god we’re off for the rest of the week.” Taeil nods in agreement.

It was Taeil’s idea to cook dinner together since he didn’t want you to go through the hassle of making a large meal on your own. You were thankful though since you didn’t really trust your own cooking abilities, especially since you were fine with just eating whatever since it was usually just you eating the food you made.

Taeil was, by far, a much more skilled cook than you though he never once made you feel bad about it, instead of teaching you and giving you tips every so often. Being able to cook with him made the time go by so much faster and it made you wish that cooking was like this all the time.

The two of you took your servings of food to the living room and ate on the couch, Jaeha seated on the floor in front of both of you, the Hallmark movie on TV illuminating your living room. The movie was barely even halfway through when you hear the slightest of snores from Jaeha.

The little girl had cleaned off her plate and was now dozing off, the tiniest bit of drool forming at the corner of her lip. “I think that’s a sign that I should get going soon.” Taeil whispers, careful not to wake his daughter.

“You can stay if you want.” You tell him.

He shakes his head, “no, I really should get going. I’d rather wake her up now and get her home sooner than have her get a weird sleeping schedule going.”

“No, I mean like, you can stay the night if you’d like.”

“A-are you sure?” Taeil asks, eyes growing wide.

“Of course.”

“In that case, there’s something I want to do first.” He pulled out his phone and began typing before holding it above both of your heads.

You look up at his phone at back at him in confusion, “what are you-”

“It’s mistletoe, look!” He showed you his phone screen and sure enough, it was an image of mistletoe hanging from the ceiling.

Rolling your eyes, you tell him, “if you want me to kiss you, you could have just asked.”

“Really?”

“Really.”

“Then can I just ask you to be my girlfriend?”

You froze with your mouth slightly open. “Moon Taeil, that is like, the smoothest thing I’ve ever heard you say.”

“Sooooo is that a yes?”

“Definitely a yes,” you set your plate down on the side and leaned over from where you were sitting, closing the distance between you and Taeil, “now how about that kiss?”

Taeil’s lips met yours and couldn’t believe how soft they were. You felt his hand come up to caress your cheek as your lips slowly began moving together. His lips parted ever so slightly but before either of you could do anything, “Dear Santa, my wish is to never see this happen ever again.”

You and Taeil broke apart from each other, looking down to see Jaeha with her hands over her eyes. Taeil picked her up and settled her in between both of you. “Well, sweetie, you’re going to have to get used to it because you’re going to be seeing y/n a lot more often now.”

[hilli98215]

Dear Evan Hanson

*Warning: I will be talking about suicide and mental health. Read at your own discretion*

This musical came out when I was in a dark place in my life. There were a lot of changes going on and I was very lonely. Then this musical popped up on a Spotify playlist and was getting a lot of attention in the world of Broadway.

I had never heard a modern musical put how I was feeling into words. I knew what it felt like to be that nobody, be that person to wonder why no one would talk to me even though I was right there. Be so introverted and shy to not want to talk to anyone. It's scary.

The lyrics are like poetry and will always make me cry. But cry in a way that is lethargic and meaningful.

"Waving Through a Window" and "You will be Found" will never fail to make me cry because of how relatable they are. "Waving Through a Window" takes me back to when I was that kid who wanted so desperately for someone to see me. "You will be Found" brought me back to when a classmate of mine committed suicide and that there are people who care.

Dear Evan Hanson does a lot of things right which earned its Best Musical Tony win. Like I have mentioned earlier and in my live blogging, this musical does a fantastic job at depicting mental health and anxiety. Ben Platt as Evan Hanson does a fantastic job portraying a teenager with anxiety especially with his stuttering and mannerisms. He wrings his hands, he does what he can to comfort himself in social interactions. Evan so desperately wants to be part of a family and have what everyone else has. His dad is out of the picture and his mom is either working or at a class. They have a difficult relationship but his mom wants to be part of his life. So when we get to the 2nd act, we understand why his mom is angry.

Also, Ben Platt was perfect to originate this role. Ugh, he awesome.

The other characters I have talked about in my live blogging but I do understand their frustrations toward Evan. It's completely valid.

Music. The music is iconic. I have heard tons of covers of many of the songs and love love them.

My only wish is that the OBC had the reprises because it would make a lot more sense when listening.

The Topic of Mental Health and Suicide

I can't remember the last time there was a Musical that had a teenager as the main character where the topic of mental health and suicide was at the forefront. (Yes I know there are others that were created during this time). I wish this was out when I was in high school.

Why do I bring this up?

When I was in high school I knew someone who committed suicide. I was a sophomore and she was a senior. I talked to her most mornings as we were the outsiders in our school. I was also in the marching band. I heard about what happened at a marching band competition and was floored. I didn't think it was going to happen to someone I knew and spoke to. We dedicated the performance to her. According to my mom, I was really out of it and was kinda numb. All the school did was a memorial and dedicated a tree to her that stands in the courtyard.

When I was a sophomore in college a former classmate of mine got into a car crash. I considered him a friend and spoke to him a lot. I literally cried for days because I didn't want to forget these memories I had with him.

That's why these songs hit me so much. Just saying you matter is like a slap in the face but being told in a way that makes sense to you is what matters.

Overall thoughts: This musical deserves everything and all the awards it has been given. From best musical to best book of a musical to best actor in a musical. It's amazing! And it is a great way to bring up the topic of the mental health of teenagers without being forceful and demanding. We have a story that is sad yet realistic. The relationships between the characters are wonderful. And you want to be in this world.

Now, hopefully, the film adaptation is just as wonderful as the original stage version. Because I will be very irritated if it's not.

@hearth-goddess-99

[girls-scenarios]

IZ*ONE’s Reaction to their S/O Sticking With Them and Believing in Them During the Scandal

Prompt: iz*one reaction to their s/o always sticking with them and believing in them even during the whole produce scandal thing

A/N: This took me a while to write but I hope you all enjoy! - Admin Kiwi

♡ Tip Jar♡

Eunbi: “Thank you for being here for me. I don’t know what I’d do without you.” The brunt of the scandal would fall on Eunbi’s shoulders as the leader, and you would witness how nervous and upset the entire ordeal made her. She would feel responsible for the terrible things people were saying and would want to protect the group, but she would feel helpless as the possibility of disbandment hung over her head. Because she wouldn’t want to look weak in front of the members, you would be the person she went to when it all became too much, and she would cry on your shoulder plenty of times, scared about her future. You would be there to reassure her that she was doing the best she could and that none of this was her fault, but instead the fault of the people in charge. Once things finally settled down and they got to come back, she would thank you for helping her through the rough time, knowing that she would have been unable to talk about her worries if you weren’t there to listen.

Sakura: “I just want to perform on the stage again.” Sakura’s entire life would be performing, so when the comeback was suddenly canceled and the scandal exploded, she would become upset and worried. Although she would be scared about what people thought of her, she would have heard most of the hate and accusations before as a longtime idol. Her biggest worry would be about performing on the stage again. If she couldn’t perform, what would she be good for? She would quickly turn to you to talk about her concerns since she knew you supported her, especially whenever the hate got bad enough for her to think they might disband, and she would count on your to distract her and cheer her up by playing video games with her or just hanging out with her while she waited for the outcome of the scandal. “As long as you believe in me, I think things will turn out all right.” Once the comeback was finally announced, she’d call you crying, wanting to share this happy moment with you after so much waiting.

Hyewon: “I wonder if these people hate me.” She would already be used to seeing mean comments about her since she debuted, but when the scandal rolled around, the hate only got worse and she would be reminded of all of her insecurities as a member of the group. Her confidence would immediately fall and she would begin to think badly of herself, wondering if the band would be better if she hadn’t debuted, but you would be there to quickly tell her that she was wrong. You would assure her that she was a vital part of IZ*ONE and that real fans would love her just as much as the other girls. You would also remind her of all the hard work she’d put in to get to debut, and all the hard work she’d done to improve herself, and you would assure her that, no matter what, you would support her. Over the hiatus and through all the news and trials, you would stay by her side, cheering her up and doing your best to dispute any mean comments. When the comeback was finally announced, she would want to tell you first, hugging you tight and thanking you for all your support in a rare emotional moment.

Yena: “I want to stay positive, but it’s hard.” Yena would be the type of person to keep everyone’s spirits up no matter the situation, but the scandal would take a toll on even her bubbly personality. She would be nervous and unsure, scared to read the news articles because of what they might be saying and her and her teammates. While she would do her best to stay positive and happy, the sudden lack of work would give her a lot of time to think and there would be nothing to distract herself with, making it hard not to get down and to worry. She would end up admitting to you that she was scared of disbandment, and you would quickly become the positive one, working hard to help her keep her confidence and to show her that you believed in her no matter what. You would play plenty of games with her and would talk late into the night whenever she needed to chat, becoming the optimistic one like she would do to you when you were down. When it finally ended, she would visit you to thank you and you would tell her that it was the least you could do, since you knew she would do it for you.

Chaeyeon: “I’ve worked really hard, I can’t let this end too.” The scandal and abrupt stop of promotions would really take a toll on Chaeyeon. Although the hate comments would obviously get to her, what would worry her the most was the fear of early disbandment. She had already gone through so much and worked so hard, but things kept falling through. When she debuted in IZ*ONE, she would finally feel as if things were looking up, but the scandal would make her wonder if she was cursed, and if she’d worked so hard for nothing. You would know this and, as soon as you heard the news, would call her to make sure she was alright. She would need a lot of reassurance and cheering up, and you would make a point to visit her as much as you possibly could, telling her that, if anyone deserved to debut, it was her, and people could see that. You would do your best to keep her hopes up, and so when the news that they weren’t disbanding came, you would cry tears of joy with her as she held onto you, knowing how much she went through and how much this meant to her.

Chaewon: “I don’t know what to think. It’s all really intimidating.” Although she would be the type to act like she was fine and nothing was wrong, she would also a realist and the type to think deeply about everything happening in her life. The scandal would be no different, and although she wouldn’t talk about it much, she would think about it so much that it would take over her mind, making her worry constantly about their future. When she became to quiet, you would know something was wrong and wouldn’t lay off until she finally told you what was upsetting her. “I just know this will follow me forever. If we disband, what does that mean for my career?” Her worries would be real and deep, and the two of you would talk them over deep into the night, with you bringing up opposite, more hopeful futures and assuring her that, no matter what the public decided to think of her, you would always be on her side. Her talks with you would always make her feel better, and so she’d spend as much time with you during the hiatus as possible, keeping herself distracted while also practicing. Once the hiatus ended, she would thank you with a smile and a kiss, telling you just how much your support meant to her.

Minju: “I’m scared to go on stage again.” All of the insecurities she felt when she was on Produce 48 would come flooding back again when the scandal was published and the hate comments and accusations came flooding in. Even though she’d become more confident after debut, she would begin to second guess herself again, wondering if she really was good enough to have debuted. She would immediately turn to you for support, explaining how she was scared of IZ*ONE disbanding but she was also scared of going in front of people, just in case they still believed she wasn’t talented or pretty enough. You would tell her not to pay attention to the hate comments and would remind her about how far she’s come since Produce aired. “I’ve watched you on stage and you kill it every time. You worked too hard for them to take this away from you.” Slowly, her confidence would come back and she would stop reading hate comments, paying more attention to you and to bettering herself instead. Because of this, when IZ*ONE got to come back, she would smile brightly and tell you that she was ready to go on stage, and that it was all because of your help.

Nako: “It’s scary, not knowing what’s going to happen next.” Nako wouldn’t usually worry too much over things she had no control over, but when the scandal broke and all promotions came to a halt, she’d quickly start to worry. With no work, no idea what was going to happen with the band, and with the public speculating which members were rigged, it would become hard for her not to stress out and overthink things. It would be the first time for you to see her like this, and although it would scare you (you would know you couldn’t really do anything to make the situation better), you would tell her that you were there for her no matter what. The two of you would have talks that lasted long into the night, talking about life and her worries over the future, and you would assure her that her talent and hard work wouldn’t go to waste. “I know how talented you are. The mean comments can’t take that away from you.” With your company, the hiatus would become more bearable, but she’d still cry and come to you when promotions finally resumed, relieved and wanting to share the good news with you, since you helped her get through the wait.

Hitomi: “What else could I do to make people believe me?” At first, Hitomi would stay pretty positive about the situation, knowing that she had her job back in Japan and hoping that the situation would all blow over soon and things would go back to normal. However, as time went on, she would begin to worry about the future of the group and the hate comments would begin to get to her, making her question herself. Eventually she’d confide in you about her worries, frustrated and upset that so many people were undermining the hard work she did and scared that the rumors would follow her even after she returned to Japan. You would understand her frustration, but would assure her that both you and her fans still believed in her no matter what and knew that she’d worked hard to get her position. You would talk to her whenever she needed it and would help to distract her as well, doing your best to make her laugh despite the situation. When she was told that IZ*ONE weren’t going to disband and she saw the positive reaction from fans, she would go to you and would thank you for encouraging her. “You’re right. I have people who will always support me.”

Yuri: “I can’t fail again. Do people still think I’m not good enough?” When the articles started coming out, they would immediately affect Yuri. After not being able to debut in fromis_9, her confidence had been hurt, and even though she’d gotten her second chance with IZ*ONE and was happy, her failure to debut the first time would still haunt her, lingering in the back of her mind until the hate comments pulled it to the front again. She would first be angry, asking if people thought she was that bad, but would quickly become sad and upset, her confidence torn once again. She would almost want to give up all together, but when she told you about her thoughts and fears, you would beg her not to. “Yuri, your voice is incredible. No one can deny that!” You would remind her of all the fans who really supported her, and would tell her that you knew she deserved to be a member of IZ*ONE, because you were right by her side and saw how hard she worked. Any time she would feel down again, you’d be quick to reassure her, staying by her side as the situation played out. Once everything calmed down and the comeback was announced, she’d be shy as she thanked you, embarrassed by her actions but thankful that you were there to encourage her.

Yujin: “Without IZ*ONE, what am I?” At first, Yujin wouldn’t pay too much attention to the scandal. Rumors had always been circulating about her and the group, and she’d learned to tune them out, so she didn’t care. At least, not until the comeback was canceled. As soon as promotions stopped, she’d realize that this was real and would begin to worry, talking to her members and trying to understand everything a bit better. While she would pretend to be nonchalant about the whole thing, the mean comments would quickly start to get to her and she would begin, for the first time, to question her place in the group. You would notice something was up and, even though she denied it, would tell her that she could confide in you. Eventually, she’d admit her worries and her self-doubts, waiting until the two of you could have a face-to-face chat. After hearing her worries, you’d hug her tight, telling her that you were sorry that she was going through this, and that you knew she deserved to debut and that her talent onstage was undeniable. You would refuse to let her insult herself and would cheer her up by joking with her and giving her lots of hugs and affection. By the time the group came back, she would be back to her bubbly self, and would proudly say that all thanks to you and your love.

Wonyoung: “I’m really scared. I don’t want this to end.” As the youngest member, this would all be very overwhelming for Wonyoung. She would stress out over every little thing and would feel restless, wanting to participate in shows but afraid of what people might say about her. She would also wonder if this was her fault for not working harder as the center, and would feel responsible for the mean things people were saying about her group. At first, she wouldn’t want to admit her worries to you, wanting to be strong, but she would end up breaking down and telling you everything, sobbing into your shoulder as she spoke. You would tell her that there was no way that she was responsible for any of this and that you knew she worked hard to get to where she is, telling her that you supported her no matter what other people said. You would help her avoid the mean comments and would learn techniques for dealing with stress with her to help her through the time. Once it was over, she’d come to you and would end up crying out of relief and thanking you for always supporting her.

[rotationalsymmetry]

Hello! I hope you’re doing well. I saw your post about UUs and I myself am one as well! I was wondering if maybe you could explain some of the issues there are in UU congregations so I can better understand what’s going on. I can’t change much, but I’d like to know what can be improved and how I can better use my privilege. Thank you :)

Hi there. Thanks for reaching out. I think. Oof. Are you sure you want to ask this? I don’t have a really straightforward “here’s precisely what Unitarian Universalism needs to do to improve (broken down into concrete, realistic steps!)” I have a whole tangle of feelings and personal biases and incredibly subjective experiences. OK? All right. With that disclaimer out of the way. Eh, actually, more disclaimer: all institutions have problems. There are things that Unitarian Universalism does better than most other religious institutions. There’s a reason I was going off about what I like about UU before what I dislike. This is not saying that Unitarian Universalism is bad. OK?

Putting in a cut because this is long:

Unitarian Universalism has an ongoing, well-known problem around being kind of fuzzy around what it is and what it wants to be. Do we draw on multiple faiths, and if so what does that look like in practice? Are we Christianity lite? Are we basically a bunch of secular humanists who like to get together and sing sometimes? How far exactly does (or should) our tolerance stretch?

Unitarian Universalism has a whiteness issue and a class issue. Now, I’m white, so the race part isn’t mainly coming from my own experience. There’s something I’ve seen that sums it up well, but I can’t find it right now. Basically: there’s a bit of a tendency for UU’s to nominally want to more diverse congregations, but when a new person of color shows up, sometimes they get treated kind of...weirdly. Like they’re not one of us and not going to be.

a bit more on UU and race here: x

And, class wise, I was raised middle class, but I’ve been broke for an awful lot of my adulthood and a lot of the people I know in my generation (Millenials) are broke/struggling financially. So when the lead minister of my congregation made some random comment about having trouble attracting young people because church and brunch with friends are competing for the same time slot. I thought of a young adult in the congregation who was active in the youth group but couldn’t make it to Sunday worship because he had to work on Sundays. And the time one of my coworkers got a promotion at my workplace, and definitely she was competent and I don’t begrudge her getting it, but also she ended up working an awful lot of Sundays and that was very likely a factor in her getting the promotion. And I’d been trying to avoid pledge drive Sunday for years because it always, every time, made me feel like I wasn’t really welcome if I couldn’t contribute much financially, even when I was contributing a great deal of my time. This is subjective and it could mostly be an issue with my then congregation. But I don’t think it is.

While Unitarian Universalism likes to think of itself as trans friendly, and it’s certainly much friendlier than some denominations, sometimes it drops the ball. Here’s an apology for an article about trans people that centered a cis person’s perspective and had some other issues: x

Anecdotally, subjectively, etc: this is an issue across the board. Unitarian Universalism’ self-image and what the organization actually is has a substantial gap. I attended a few workshops at GA this year, and: on the surface, great! So many workshops on such great anti-oppressive topics! But...when I actually went to the workshops, it was unsatisfying. It felt very introduction-ish. Maybe that was on purpose. But...I was hoping for better. 

Super anecdotally: UU’s tend to forget that disabled people exist. UU’s tend to not support disabled people and parents of disabled children.

Back to the “are we Christianity Lite?” thing. I dropped out of seminary. One part of thatwas this: x  Another was that at the time (it’s apparently since changed) the MFC requirements (uh, this is getting a bit technical: congregations ordain ministers, but in practice fellowshipping is important as well, and that’s what the MFC does, basically it’s saying other UU ministers think you should be a UU minsiter) prioritized knowledge about Christianity and the Bible over knowledge of other religions, even though nominally Unitarian Universalism is not Christian and Christianity isn’t especially prioritized in our Six Sources. As someone who is not Christian and didn’t expect my future ministry to involve a lot of Bible talk and really didn’t think prioritizing knowledge of the Bible among our religious leaders was good for the denomination as a whole, this bothered me. A lot. (For what it’s worth, most Starr King classes were actually really good at not doing this.) (The classes that did, though, made me want to tear my hair out. And made me wonder if this denomination I was studying to be a minister in, was the same as the denomination I’d participated in as a lay person for years.)

This is hard to put into words. But: sometimes people will say they believe a thing, but their follow-through is bad. Or they say one thing but act another way -- not because they’re lying, but because what they believe on the surface hasn’t been fully internalized. This is, anecdotally etc, a really common issue in Unitarian Universalism.

More super anecdotal etc: UU’s need to break the habit of seeing RE as daycare, and worship services that involve kids as being about showing off the kids to the adults. I took a quick look at you and it says you’re 18, so if you grew up UU you probably have your own opinions on this. But...sometimes the adult congregation and the kids’/youth programs are entirely separate worlds, and that’s not healthy for congregations.

YMMV: I’m not a huge fan of approaches to worship that involve sitting passively for most of the service. If the worship is going to be the same whether you’re there or not, why bother showing up? (Obviously some congregations are more like this than others, and apparently some people like the “lecture and a concert” format?? I’m not one of them.)

Basically, I think UU’s need to work on connection more and mutual support of each other more. While I approve of the social justice focus of course, social justice starts at home. You need to support the people who are actually in your congregation. I moved a year and a half ago, and haven’t joined my local congregation. Why? Because my illness makes it almost impossible to go anywhere in the mornings, and while they livestreamed each worship service, before the pandemic (presumably it’s all zoom worship now), there was zero effort to actually include anyone watching the livestream. Not so much as a PDF of the order of service. No verbal acknowledgement that some people aren’t present in the room. Nothing. (Side note: I tried one worship service at a “normal” congregation after the pandemic started, and all the mourning of not being able to be together in person was extremely frustrating to me, since I hadn’t been able to attend in person worship before the pandemic either. No one was thinking of people like me, and it was really, really obvious. I’ve since joined Church of the Larger Fellowship.) You say you want to use your privilege. That’s great! Some thoughts.

Trans people: How’s your congregation on pronouns? If your congregation uses nametags, can you push to normalize people putting their pronouns on nametags? What’s the bathroom situation: is it clear that trans women (whether you currently have any trans women in your congregation or not) can use the women’s bathroom? Is there a unisex bathroom that non-binary people and binary people who don’t feel safe using “their” bathroom can use? Also: a lot of older people weren’t raised with this and never really caught up, (and tbf some young people are ignorant too) so there’s a need for some trans 101 education.

Disability: for zoom worship, is there closed captioning for people who have hearing impairments or language processing issues? For live worship, what’s being done to make sure deaf and hard of hearing people are included? What’s being done for blind people (eg, electronic copies of the order of service being available for people who are blind but have screen readers?) For people who just have a little trouble seeing, are there large-print orders of service? What about the agendas for committee meetings and so on? This doesn’t have a quick fix, but are there places in your congregation that can’t be reached in a wheelchair? What about the chancel? (ie that area that the minister and whoever else is leading worship is speaking from?) Is there a wheelchair-accessible entrance that’s open during worship but closed during other programming?

How’s ministry to people who are sick or injured or just too old to get out much? And: is that support available to newer or prospective members, or only people who contributed to the congregation first? How available is information on how to get that kind of support: is it a thing where only some people are in the know, or is there outreach?

Are there unspoken rules about who’s the “right kind” of person to be in the congregation and who isn’t?

Sexual harassment, abuse, etc: is there a clear way to report sexual harassment? Does everyone know what it is? Does the congregation have a policy for what happens if a congregant is accused of sexual abuse? If a minister is? What's the congregation’s child abuse prevention policy? Do the people who work/volunteer with kids know what to do if a child or teen reports abuse to them? Are they screened in any way?

What accommodations does RE make for special needs children? If a child needs one on one assistance, does the RE program force the parent to provide that assistance if the child is to be part of the program?

What’s the policy on support animals? (these days: what’s the policy on emotional support animals?) How are the needs of people with allergies or other issues with dogs etc, balanced with the needs of people who benefit from support animals? (This can be tricky, I’m not saying there’s a clear right/wrong here, but it’s something that can make a congregation inaccessible.)

I don’t know the details on this, but I know sensory issues can be a problem for some people, eg flickering overhead lights. Scents can be an issue for some people, one possible solution is to have part of the sanctuary marked scent-free, dunno how well that plays out in practice.)

Representation: who’s speaking up during worship, and what are they speaking about? Something to be aware of.

Us/Them language: especially relevant if you’re speaking to the congregation during worship, but important in casual coffee hour chat too: who’s “us” and who’s “them”? Do people in your congregation tend to talk about, say, people below the poverty line as “them”? Homeless people? Black people? Immigrants?

Finding ways of making small talk that aren’t “what do you do for a living?”

I haven’t said anything about racism yet; a lot of congregations have some sort of anti-racist discussion group or something? Those things are good; there’s only so much they do by themselves, but as part of a larger whole, they’re important. Also, presence at Black Lives Matter protests, putting up a Black Lives Matter banner or sign if your congregation hasn’t done that, stuff like that.

Oh, culture and music and stuff. What kind of music gets played. Congregations that have made a specific attempt to be multiracial often find it’s necessary to do a lot of hashing out of what the music is going to be like.

And there’s a representation aspect to who gets quoted.

Small Group Ministry/Covenant groups: my former congregation liked to ask what your demographic info is and then split things up for “diversity” purposes. This is actually a really bad idea. In a congregation that’s mostly white, it means that often the non-white people end up being the only non-white person in their groups. Great for white people who want to “experience diversity”, but not so great for actual poc. My congregation had enough queer people that it wasn’t one queer person per group, but I could see that maybe happening in other places. And I think it did tend to separate out trans people into separate groups.

Cultural appropriation/cultural misappropriation: uff. I think some people go off the deep end on this. But, some things to consider. If the congregation is doing something to celebrate a Jewish holiday, is it run by someone who is Jewish or is of Jewish heritage? Stuff like that. Sometimes Unitarian Universalists’ desire to be all multicultural and interfaith and stuff, leaves out important things like “is this part of the culture that it’s ok for outsiders to share?” and “are we actually in relationship with this group of people?” And “are we cherry picking messages from sacred texts that we like, and leaving out the stuff we don’t like, when it’s not our sacred text and we don’t have enough context to do that respectfully?” x for overview and in more detail x

Also RE: is this Native American story one that it’s actually OK for us to tell? I’m not necessarily suggesting you go over what other people are doing, but if you’re teaching RE yourself, you get a say in what you teach.

If you happen to be a UU pagan or there’s a CUUPS group at your congregation that you sometimes participate in, there’s kind of a ton of work about untangling cultural appropriation in specifically pagan spaces, honestly I don’t know where to start with that. Don’t put that on yourself if you’re not part of that kind of group though, focus on groups you are part of.

Land acknowledgements.

Oftentimes if someone brings up an issue that requires work to change it, especially a younger person, the people who get stuff done are going to be, “ok, that sounds like work, we’ve already got a ton on our plate so are you going to do it?” So, if you offer to do some of the work of running the congregation, you’ll be in a better place to implement these sorts of changes. (I know a lot of times older adults don’t want to trust young adults with responsibility, so it might take some time to earn trust.) But also some are things you can just do: like you can say your pronouns every time you introduce yourself or put your pronouns on disposable nametags, if you’re comfortable with it.

General advice: you don’t have to (and shouldn’t try to) change everything at once. Be aware of a lot of things and be willing to be a “follower” on a lot of things. Signing petitions, saying “yes, that sounds like a good idea,” stuff like that. Be a leader on a small, manageable number of things. Maybe see what other people in your congregation are already doing that seems like a step in the right direction, and see how you can support that. Some of what UU’s are already doing is already really good, and most likely there’s already people around you who want Unitarian Universalism to act in closer alignment with its ideals.

[doof-doofblog]

"Ian Is The Reason Dennis Is Dead!"

Monday 7th September 2020

Good evening everyone and what an exciting night it is!!! EastEnders is back on our screens tonight!  It's been a good few months since the soap has been on our screens. Tonight it's finally back, even though the time has been reduced from 30 minutes to 20 minutes, it doesn't matter! Our favourite characters will be back and the story-lines will be able to continue, so many answers will be given and so many secrets revealed!

But before we delve into the excitement of tonight's episode, i'm sure the majority of you have been made aware of the news regarding the beautiful Chantelle Atkins. For those of you who might've missed it somehow, EastEnders have announced that poor Chantelle will pass away due to domestic violence at the hands of her husband, Gray.

Since Chantelle and Gray appeared on the Square, they portrayed the perfect family! Two successful people working brilliant jobs, with two beautiful children and on the outside, it looked as if they lived a very happy life! But little do the Walford residents know that behind closed doors, poor Chantelle has been the target of domestic abuse from her husband. Taking beatings and beatings and suffering in silence. None of her close friends or family are aware of what is happening in their family home when no one else is around. Gray appears to have nasty temper on him, and he takes it out on his wife. EastEnders have announced the passing of Chantelle before the soap reappears on our screens due to the fact that the next few episodes will be quite harrowing, as viewers will see Chantelle attempt to escape and leave her husband. Jessica Plummer's last appearance as Chantelle will be on the 18th September. I believe both Jessica Plummer and Toby-Alexander Smith's performance as Chantelle and Gray have been phenomenal! It's a very sensitive issue to portray, but in all seriousness ... this does happen to people every single day, and unfortunately - due to the lock-down, some people are suffering in silence, being victims of domestic abuse and being attacked at their home day after day. I, for one will be devastated to see Chantelle be killed off, but I do feel it's a very important issue and it's fantastic of EastEnders to be raising awareness of such vicious acts of cruelty. What the big questions I want to ask now are, what will happen in the aftermath? Will Gray be found out? How will the Taylor family react to the passing of Chantelle? Will Gray go to deep lengths to hide the truth from his family and neighbours? I'm sure many fans were always hoping that Chantelle would find a way to speak up and ask for help or eventually escape Gray, but sadly in Chantelle's case, it will never be that way. I applaud the cast and story writers who took part in this story-line, it's a big subject and it's needs to be spoken about openly, more and more, and if anyone who views this story-line, who is currently in Chantelle's situation, hopefully they'll get the courage to speak out and/or seek help to escape. --- Now, shall we focus on tonight's episode? I don't know about you lot but I've been really looking forward to the day EastEnders came back on air! And it certainly came back with a bang!! Ahhh it felt so good to hear that theme tune again!! Brilliant!!

Awww and what a brilliant opening, Ian looking all smug and proud, putting the Queen Vic bust back on the counter. Quick question ... where the hell did he get that from?! I'm assuming it's something that could've been replaced, but me - being naive, honestly thought that the old Queen Vic bust which sank during the anniversary episodes, was one of a kind! Clearly - obviously not! Oh gosh ... look at all those photos of Ian and Sharon being landlords of the Vic! Makes a nice realistic touch, don't you guys think? Clearly, Ian has been making himself at home at the Vic during lock-down! Oooh it does look as if Ian and Dotty still have daggers for each other, Dotty's case has come up after Ian grassed her up to the police about selling some form of drugs at the club and they both appear to be going to court together. Dotty is NOT going to keep quiet for long, she will soon tell Sharon all about the secrets Ian has been hiding form her regarding her son, Dennis. Dotty must've been finding it so hard to watch Ian and Sharon together in the Vic, the secret must be eating her up to the core! 

Is it just me, or is Chantelle looking very fragile? She's very shaky, nervous ... it looks as if while she's been in lock-down, she's had nothing but abuse from Gray. It looks as if she's looking to divorce her husband and get away as soon as she can! Watching this, knowing what is going to happen in a couple of episodes time, I'm already feeling worried and scared for her. She's made things perfectly clear that she wants to the divorce to be quick and easy. Gray will still be able to see his children and they'll be living near by. This is something that does worry me, will Gray find out about her wanting a divorce and lash out? She's been told that a divorce could be incredibly expensive. Is she going to be able to afford what she needs to be able to go ahead? I know I am asking all sorts of questions, but with this being the first episode back, there are so many things that could happen with each and every story! Plus it feels like it's been so long since we've seen these characters, it feels so good to have them back again! Will Chantelle be able to open up to Kheerat before it's too late! Suki has already informed him that Gray was the one who put him up to Trading Standards, could there be some kind of conversation to come between Chantelle and Kheerat where he'll confront her about Gray's behaviour, and could she finally be able to tell him how Gray actually treats her?! You can see the fear in Chantelle's eyes as she enters her house and Gray comes to approach her from the stairs, already questioning her where she has been. When he reached into her bag I was worried he was going to pull out some form of paperwork regarding a divorce, but instead he's putting a tracker on her phone, to keep an eye on her. Chantelle clearly isn't happy about this, but sadly, there's nothing she can say. Gray is controlling and is wanting to keep an eye on her every move, he's frustrated as he has been put on furlough from his job, so he has also been stuck in the house while his children have gone back to school and Chantelle working also. How is Chantelle going to be able to escape Gray now he's put a tracker on her phone? Gosh, I just want to hold her and tell her she can escape from this! She later approaches Kheerat, telling him he's the only one she can trust and asks him for the money for her divorce, even though she can't tell him what it's for. But of course she feels guilty for asking after finding out her husband was the one who called up Trading Standards on Kheerat's company. I really do think Chantelle will tell him something, if not everything, but something before she sadly passes away. Kheerat will do everything he can to get justice for Chantelle! 

Oh Ballum!!!! Gosh I almost forgot about Ballum!!! Ha! Ben's hair has surely grown ... of course so had millions of other men's hair during lock-down! I love how happy they both appear to be able to see each other. Oh, is Ben going to ask Callum to move in?! IS THAT GOING TO BE A THING?! Haha is anyone feeling really proud of Callum? Is he now an official police officer? When he stopped that thief and stated "I'm a police officer! You're nicked!" I just felt a little sense of pride! God bless his little soul! Oh and look at him in his police gear!!! He looks SO good!!!!! I can't get over how manly he's become, I know that's a bit pathetic to say ... but we've seen him become a real man, come to terms with his sexuality and now he's followed his dreams and become a Police Officer, with the support of his boyfriend. Callum is eager to get his job done so he can go to the hospital with Ben, needless to say his colleagues aren't aware that he's gay, but in all honesty ... it's none of their business really. But I do have a feeling that eventually it will come to their attention, and as soon as they realise who Callum's partner is, his job could be at risk, even before it's started! Ooooh noooo, Callum is going to figure out what Ben did, while he is sat looking through the CCTV footage that he's been given, Ben slowly appears onto the screen. This would've been when he and Phil went after Danny and his money during this job that was meant to happen. How is Callum going to approach this with Ben? Am I right in thinking that Ben lied to him and told him he had nothing to do with it, but of course, the CCTV tells otherwise. 

Ahhh okay, so Linda has revealed that Sharon has renamed her son "Albie" ... Honestly, I think I preferred Kayden, but each to their own! Awww both Mick and Linda are adjusting to their life out of the Queen Vic. It looks as if Mick has some kind of interview or something the way he has dressed smartly with his waistcoat. Linda has been working in the cafe as a cleaner from the looks of it, while Mick has been home-schooling Ollie. It's going to be so weird not seeing them behind the Queen Vic bar, but I'm sure we'll get used to them being out in the community in a much different way. 

Sharon seems really happy where she is, she is back in her home to be honest! She grew up in the pub, it's only right that she brings up her child where she spent her childhood. It's only when she sees the Queen Vic pub, she stops in her tracks and goes silent. Has Ian made the right decision in ordering a second Queen Vic bust? Or is it something that is going to haunt Sharon, knowing it sank where her son lost his life? It's questionable. 

Oh I am so happy to see Kat back!!! Is it going to be revealed why she left? We know Jessie Wallace was suspended, but what was the reason for Kat to depart the Square? Is this going to made known? Oh and soon as she spots Ruby and Martin together, she's doing what Kat does best and sticking up for her family! Are Ruby and Martin now an item? Have they decided to become official while during lockdown together? It's been revealed that Martin has had the time of his life living with Ruby, but also she has kept secret from him that she has been having money problems due to the club being closed. When Stacey returns, she is going to be such a shock when she learns about Ruby and Martin, I already am kind of feeling sorry for her. 

When Ian and Dotty are back from the court, Ian is just slightly poking at Dotty more and more, saying that she should thank him for changing his statement, or even buy him a drink. You can see it's slowly eating her upside, how much she's desperate for him to have his comeuppance. She's made it clear now that she's not going to prison, what is to stop her from telling Sharon the truth now? What other threats could he throw at her? It's only when Sharon approaches in dismay asking whether any of Dennis's things had been returned from the police that Ian goes all scares. Ahh so, the Queen Vic bust is actually the original, from what I understand, it was recovered from the accident and sent back to the Vic where it belongs! (And there's me thinking it was a brand new one!) Later when Dotty is sat on Albert's bench, Bobby approaches her saying that she must be thankful for his Dad to help her out of the situation. But she makes a slight dig at Ian, saying that her father, Nick Cotton, was more like Mother Theresa compared to him! Which, Bobby can't seem to understand, he can't understand why Dotty enjoys slagging him off, but she makes a fair point that Nick never coward behind someone else and he always accepted who he was and took everyone else how they were. It's then she claims that she just like her father and is proud for what she stands for and believes in. She makes her way into the Vic just as Ian and Sharon are clearing the air about things being returned to the Vic, this is when the climax comes, what viewers have been waiting for for months! Ian getting his comeuppance and Sharon finding out the truth about how her boy died. Dotty goes on to say that people deserve to know the truth about how their loved ones die, Ian trying to worm his way out of the conversation, maybe trying to change the conversation and say it's not right to upset Sharon ... then she comes out with it, "He's the reason Dennis died! He locked him in the cabin on the boat and that's why he drowned!" 

Ian's eyes look frantic from Dotty to Sharon, Sharon face in absolute disbelief that he dearest friend could've done something so cruel to her and not said anything, kept the absolute worst secret from her. Dotty's words ringing in her ears. Is Ian going to worm his way out of it and claim Dotty doesn't know what she's talking about? Or is Sharon going to demand answers from Ian! What an absolute brilliant ending to first episode back on air! It's true tomorrow's episode is going to be just as gripping! What was your opinion on tonight's episode? I personally thought it was brilliant! So many things happening and I can't wait to see them all unravel. I am so glad to be back posting as well, I know it's been a long time and I know I've only done one post a week - if that - but I hope you'll all enjoy my blog now EastEnders is back and better than ever! I'll be back either tomorrow or Wednesday following up tomorrow's episode. Goodnight everyone and enjoy the rest of your night xXx

[feuilly-cakes]

New Moon - Review - 3*

The problem with first-person narration is that when the main character is in distress you can't have fun reading the book, because everything is coloured with that viewpoint. As a result, I was more annoyed by this than I needed to be, because of the way Bella changed and also Edward's actions. It did, however, do some cool things too, in the way of important messages and descriptions of poor mental health, and also what it's like to begin to recover from that. So this was less enjoyable than Twilight, but not less important to read. Spoilers beyond this point Bella starts off on a high note, with a new-ish job at the Newton's shop and a close relationship with Edward and Alice, who are both friendly or even besties with Charlie in Alice's case. She's living the dream, and then the birthday party happens, and it all goes downhill. Edward is acting strange and indifferent to Bella, Bella is freaking out about that because she's a smart cookie and thinks he's going to ask her to leave with him, and then suddenly she's dumped, depressed, and hallucinating Edward's voice. It's not a great time for Bella. This whole experience makes her change from a strong, funny, normal girl to a selfish, hypocritical girl with zero self esteem or self preservation. As character growth goes it's not nice but it is realistic and it needed to be that way to further the plot. Let me be clear: she is still all the Bella things of the first book, but it's hidden away behind the depression and desperation and the way she can't think rationally anymore. I want to talk about Edward now, because I now think he's trash and am firmly on #teamjacob for the first time in my life. Edward is so pitiful here that he literally dumps her on the trail to some woods like a moron and then runs away and never expects her to, I don't know, follow him? He didn't think she would be too hurt by him rejecting her either because "how could you let one word break your faith in me?" I don't know Edward, perhaps because it was you that said those words? Also that's very 'let's blame Bella for my actions' of you... but I digress. After he's back he even tells Bella he "was coming back anyway" and "it was only a matter of time." Sir, if you're going to abruptly dump your girlfriend of 6 months and not so much as check in on her, then at least have the willpower to stick to that, because if this were a normal story you'd have gotten punched in the face the minute you showed up. The only saving grace for his character in this book is when Bella uses logic on him to get him to see he has hope for his own soul after all, and he begins to really come around to changing her, so there may be hope for him after all. The Werewolves I'm not going to talk about Jacob much because nothing massive stood out to me, just know that I love him and he should've been with Bella. The way he let her know he was into her and then remained her friend without pushing unless she did something was lovely, and I truly believe that if Edward hadn't been come back it would've been a perfect sequel. I am already expecting that to change in Eclipse because of the thing that he's going to do. Anyway, I also love the pack and wish we got more time with them. They call each other "brothers" and I just wanted some found family goodness and got nothing. I also wish we had gotten more interactions between Bella and Emily, because Bella starts calling herself a "wolf girl" and hanging out with Emily but we don't see that and it's so frustrating. I need a whole book dedicated to what exactly she was doing when she was spending all of her time at La Push. The Vampires. The Volturi are finally named in the scene where Romeo and Juliet is used to foreshadow the whole book. They are also used to foreshadow the rest of the book. Later we discover that they are a family of 5, with 9 main guard members plus an unknown number that changes. This is the information I always wanted to know but never did. Aro has "clouded, milky" red eyes, and "papery" skin. It isn't clear if this is from age or something else, but it kind of creeped me out I'm not going to lie. He also goes on a little tangent about how it "pleases" him that Carlisle was successful in being a vegetarian. This could have been a lie, but remember that Edward is a mind reader and would have given some indication. I actually like him in this book, he's very friendly and as soon as he gets confirmation Bella will be changed he's content to leave them be, though is a bit wistful that they won't join him. Caius is the one who tells them they have a time limit. Onto the big differences from the film -The Romeo and Juliet scene takes place in Bella's living room instead of the English classroom. As does the second half of the Volturi explanation scene, the first half of which took place in the first book. -Bella knows something is going to happen with Edward before he takes her on the walk. -The motorbike scene in Port Angeles isn't a motorbike scene, it's a walking towards dangerous men then leaving scene. -Bella and Jacob go hiking together to find the meadow, and Bella finds it on her own after all that hiking practice. -The werewolf reveal scene where Bella smacks Paul doesn't happen. Bella and Jacob deliberately meet them somewhere, Bella doesn't smack anyone, and Paul loses it anyway. -Jacob gets a grounded Bella in further trouble by showing Charlie the motorbikes they rose together many times, not just once. Parts I actually liked, because it wasn't all bad. -Bella stands up to Edward about her truck stereo in the beginning. It was a good moment. -Bella says that the birthday incident wasn't Jasper's fault at all. -A funny moment: (when Sam Uley introduces himself less than a year after she met him on First Beach:) "There was nothing familiar about his name." (And yes, I checked and she definitely met him, age 19, never learned how to read...) - Chapter 6: Friends. The whole page where Jacob and Bella are giggling and tripping over themselves and each other had me beaming. Such a happy section. -"I wanted to be fierce and deadly. Someone no one would dare mess with. Someone who would scare Sam Uley silly. I wanted to be a vampire." -There's a part during the voting scene where Edward grabs Bella by the face and she's talking to Carlisle and hoping he will understand because it was hard to talk properly the way Edward was holding her face. The mental image I got... he was squeezing her cheeks to the point she was doing fish lips and it nearly had me in tears. -Also with the voting scene, Rosalie votes against Bella, but she has no aversion to being her sister, only a vampire. Bella then tells everyone she feels the same about them as they do as her, which hurts Rosalie, and Bella realises that could be taken the wrong way. She didn't mean it in a bad way and the fact that Rosalie got hurt shows how their relationship is already developing from the first book. I found this part interesting and lovely to see, as I used to see it as a very abrupt friendship in book 4. There was no outright offensive language in this book, however there were several instances of questionable and uncomfortable behaviour, so I'll be listing them below. -When telling her about the birthday arrangements Edward and Alice don't listen to her protests, and pretty much force her into going to a party she doesn't want. It's creepily reminiscent of the prom incident, only with much worse results. -The Port Angeles post-cinema scene. Bella endangers her own and Jessica's life just to hear a hallucination of Edward. She then decided they were "probably nice guys. Safe." and just walked away, after realising they weren't the same men who wanted to r*pe her in book 1. She then thinks that Jessica is upset because she "must have really offended her" and not because she risked her life and well-being on a whim. The whole mindset Bella is in here is obviously not a healthy one, and I think we as readers are supposed to understand that and empathise with Jessica, but I can't be sure, and either way it's really bad and reckless behaviour. -Bella describes Leah as "exotic" which is not only weird but incorrect. Leah is native american and therefore the opposite of exotic. Leah isn't an animal, she isn't unusual or from far away, she's a person living in the place she was born, and it's beyond weird to call a person 'exotic'. -Jacob is back at it with the weird hatred of his own tribe. Pre-werewolf anyway. Before I get into it, I'd like to remind you that Jacob is not a real Native American because he was written by a WHITE woman, and therefore anything he says is a reflection of Stephenie Meyer and not of an actual Native American person. Now that's out of the way, Jacob is telling Bella about Sam Uley's behaviour, and while doing so he says this: "They're all about our land, and tribe pride... it's getting ridiculous." In the context of the book only, he's talking about how Sam's pack (though he doesn't know it's a pack yet) have become "protectors" and he thinks it's weird. In the context of who the author is, however, it's a bit more complicated. This line makes it seems like Stephenie Meyer may believe having lots of pride in your tribe as a native american person is ridiculous, and it skirts a dangerous territory. Remember she is a white woman and who clearly hasn't done research into why native american people are protective of what little land they have left and what culture hasn't been taken from them through genocide. This is your reminder to seek out native american voices, and especially Quileute voices in this circumstance, and learn their opinions and views on these matters. -Quileute is described as "an unfamiliar, liquid language." I couldn't find any video or audio of this language except the alphabet, and so I very much doubt Stephenie Meyer found something 14 years ago. It's my opinion that just like with the legends, she made this up and slapped the Quileute name on it for exploitative reasons. From what research I've done no young person would've known the language fluently anyway because it was dying before 2000 and is barely being kept alive. It wasn't hard to find this out, and as someone who was set to make millions off this book she should have done her research. -Bella's attitude regarding Gianna. She's horrified by her desire to become one of the Volturi, to be surrounded by vampires, and it doesn't seem to click that Bella herself has that same desire with the Cullens. She looks down on Gianna just because the vampires she desires are human drinkers and not animal drinkers, and it's clear she doesn't think of them as the same. All of the Cullens have killed humans or drank from them, so Bella is extremely hypocritical here. -"I mean, 'Fine, I'll move out.'" Bella holds this ultimatum over Charlie's head when he doesn't want her seeing Edward. She's being selfish and childish here, not caring that he's trying to look after her. When Edward left she was ruined, and Charlie is trying to stop that from happening again. Her actions in this scene are horrible and show how little she cares for Charlie, the man who looked after her while she was broken, who is her father. This is where we truly see how selfish Bella has become over the course of the book, or perhaps since being in a relationship with Edward, as in Twilight she would have never said this to Charlie. She may be an adult but she is sure acting like a child. -Finally, the vote. After it takes place, Bella demands Alice turn her immediately, and refuses to listen to reason when Alice tells her she can't just do it right away. She then turns to Carlisle, putting him right on the spot, and demands the same. He agrees but it's not right or proper behaviour, but unfortunately it's behaviour we come to expect from Bella by the end of the book. The switch from vote to demanding she be changed was jarring, and it really rubbed me the wrong way.

[stormtrprinstilettos]

hi love !! i was wondering if u could do a one shot for rog getting a suspicion that reader LOVES being choked ?? maybe like ... he’s putting a neckelace on and she’s really reactive, or bri is taking a pic of them and he’s like “pose!” and so rog just puts his hand around readers neck and she MOANS ... then some good old smut maybe where he uses it to his advantage ?? thank u !!! ur writing is fucking amazing

Ok here we go, Anon. (And if there’s been more than one of you nagging me for this 😚 then this is for all of you.) Hope this is what you needed.

I don’t like doing silly warnings, but...

⚠️ This quickie involves a sex act that is not safe unless your partner knows what they’re doing, so if you read this and think, “Yeah, I want to try that,” PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF FREDDIE, make sure you both know what you’re doing. ⚠️

You’re trying to get ready as fast as you can, but it’s a lost cause. You’re already 10 minutes late leaving and you can’t be any later. “Come on, Y/N!” Roger yells from the other side of the door. “We’re already going to be late!” You’re trying so hard to clasp the choker around your neck and it’s just not cooperating. Probably because you’re trying to rush. It took you too long to finally settle on your black skirt and green shirt to wear, and now you’re in a rush. Typical.

You throw the door open and see him standing there, clearly frustrated. “I’m sorry. I can’t hook this,” you say as you hand it to him. “Can you? Please?”

You turn around so he can hook it for you, and when he puts it around your neck he squeezes just a little too tight, and you gasp before involuntarily letting out a soft moan. “I’m sorry, babe. Too tight?”

“Mmm, no,” you groan before turning to face him. “Perfect.” You smile softly, and he’s looking at you a little confused, but he smiles and leads you out the door.

Dinner. At Brian’s house. You love Brian to death, but you hate coming here because he’s always fiddling around with his camera. One or two pictures are fine, but it’s like he has the thing glued to his side whenever everyone is over. But you don’t complain. Ever. You smile and pose for any picture he asks for, just like everyone else does. But tonight, everyone is in an unusually silly mood, and no one is taking Brian’s pictures seriously, deciding to make stupid faces and poses for the camera.

Roger’s being quieter than usual tonight. Usually he’s the most rambunctious at these gatherings, but he’s been sitting off to the side pretty much all night. It’s annoying you, really, because you’re only here since he wants to be – or at least he wanted to be. As the evening goes on he’s being less and less social. He keeps watching you, though. He watches you as you laugh, and as you dance around like an idiot because you’re actually having fun. You know what this means. You’ve been a bad girl. And now you have to figure out what you’ve done wrong.

He waves you over to where he’s sitting, so you go take a seat and put a hand on his thigh. “Enjoying yourself?” he grumbles in your ear, wrapping his arm around you and tapping on your shoulder with his fingertips. “Looks like you’re enjoying yourself.” His tone is almost monotonous. Deep and gruff. He sounds… forceful. “That skirt is too short,” he offers. You don’t know why he said that. He loves when you wear that skirt. You cross your legs and look at him, but he doesn’t look at you – only your legs. “You know I don’t like to be teased when we’re around people, Y/N.”

“I’m not teasing…”

“Yes you are,” he snaps. “Put your leg down.” You slowly uncross your leg, still looking at him trying to figure out what’s going on with him. He finally turns and looks at you and smiles. “Naughty girl.”

Brian walks over to you and holds up his camera. To keep the trend of ridiculous photos going, Roger wraps his hands around your neck pretending like he’s choking you, but instead of just pretending to apply pressure, he does, and your face drops and you gasp, this time louder than you did earlier when he was hooking your choker. Brian starts to laugh. “This one is going to come out great. It looked so realistic.”

When he walks away you groan. “Fuck, Roger. What are you doing?”

“Hmm,” he chuckles. “Are you ready to leave?”

“Yes…” You timidly look at him, your mouth dropped open and he raises a brow. “Yes, sir.”

When you get in the car, you say nothing. You’ve been a bad girl but you still don’t know what you’ve done wrong. You don’t look at him. You sit with your hands on your lap, looking straight ahead. “Those panties better not be wet, Y/N,” he says. But they are. You love when he acts like this with you.

You also love to disobey. It makes it better when you do. “They are wet, sir,” you tell him. “I’m sorry.”

When you get in the house he grabs your arm and drags you to the bedroom, where he stands you in front of the bed. You can feel his hot breath on the back of your neck as he stands behind you. “Sit down,” he tells you, his gruff voice coming out in a harsh whisper. You comply without a second thought. Only two words were spoken, but you feel your thighs already slick. You’ve heard this voice before, so commanding, and it’s turning you on with such force you are total putty in his hands. You start to rub your thighs together slowly, hoping he won't notice your small act of disobedience. His hand quickly grabs a tuft of your hair and he pulls your head back, pulling a small yelp out of your mouth. "That’s two times you haven’t followed the rules tonight, Y/N." His hand loosens from your hair and you bite your lip, knowing he’s going to find a way to punish you. You can feel his disappointed gaze burn through your skin. “And you’ve been keeping a secret from me, haven’t you?”

Your eyelids grow heavy and you clench and unclench your jaw, awaiting his punishment. His eyes narrow, taking in how nervous you are. He knows that if he says nothing, your anxiety will be a far greater punishment than any physical pain. He knows this because of how you act during arguments. You argue and he stays quiet and you beg him to talk to you again. He fucking loves when you beg. His lack of response makes your heart start to race as your chest rises and falls quickly. You want to speak, but if you speak now? You’re not sure what will happen. You could be subject to an even greater punishment than what he’s already intending. You close your eyes and count the seconds. Any minute now… He can possibly keep you waiting too much longer. But he stays quiet, and you fight to keep your composure.

Finally, he speaks. "Stand." That’s all he says, but he says it with that same authoritarian voice and you quickly jump to your feet, feeling light headed and the room starts to spin. He lets you take a steadying breath to ease your nerves and the pounding in your head before he grabs your sides and pushes you to the side. He gently lowers himself down on the bed, ignoring the wet spot you left behind. He glances at you with a devilish smirk before issuing his next order. "Strip." He doesn’t want to be teased tonight, so you don’t put on a show. You peel your suffocating clothes away from your body. “Sit down,” he commands and points to the bed. You don’t look at him. You’re not allowed to look at him until he says you can. “Eyes.” That’s your signal that you can look at him.

You raise your head, still dazed with lust. He motions for you to lay back on the bed, and he slowly hovers over you. “Maybe what you need, is a good fucking. To feel yourself filled up, to feel my cock pounding your pussy. Do you think that's what you need?” he growls at you. Every word increases your heart rate, each one making you feel hotter, sending sparks through your body. His hand wraps tightly around your neck, your eyes widening as your body adjusts to taking shallow breaths. Your chest rises and falls quickly as panic starts to set in. You see a small smirk begin to form on his face knowing that at this very moment he completely dominates your entire body. He lets his hand slack, and you quickly take in deep, rattling breaths that reverberate throughout your entire being as your eyes glass over with tears. Your mind is muddled from the lack of oxygen, each breath becoming a small victory.

“Y-yes please,” you whimper. He traces his other hand down your body, stopping to pinch your nipple hard before resting his hand at your waist.

“Are you wet for me?” he asks, his breathing getting heavy.

“Mmm,” you moan, unconsciously grinding against him. He pulls his body back and you let out a little whimper.

“Use your words,” he says with a smirk, his tone turning soft and gentle. “And look at me when you tell me how wet your cunt is for me.”

You moan again and open your eyes. “I am soaking wet for you right now.”

“Sir,” he says, sliding his hand down your thigh.

“Yes, sir,” you say, gasping as he drags his slightly callused fingertips up the inside of your thigh. “You touching me makes my pussy get really wet for you, sir.” His fingers reach your pussy and lightly push between the lips.

“Hmm,” he says with a husky tone. “Someone really is wet.” He pushes one finger into your dripping cunt and your back arches. You bite your lip hard and your eyes squeeze shut as your head rolls to the side. He pulls his finger out and brings your head back to the center. “Look at me,” he commands. You open your eyes and swallow hard as he brings his finger, coated in your juices, to your lips. “Lick it off and tell me how you taste.” You take his finger in your mouth, stroking it with your tongue. He groans softly before pulling his hand away. “That's enough,” he says. “How do you taste?”

“Good," you murmur. He raises an eyebrow and you quickly catch yourself. “Good, sir,” you say demurely.

“That’s better,” he says approvingly. “Now, if you're good, I’m going to fuck you.” You feel your thighs start to tremble. “But you have to convince me that you really want it. Tell me how much you want me.” He removes his hand from your neck and you gasp at the sudden freedom. He pinches your nipple, hard, pulling up and twisting. “I can't hear you.”

“I- I want you to fuck me. Sir. My pussy feels so empty and I want to have your cock fill it. I want you to fuck me hard and fast. I want to be screaming out for you, sir.” You’re so caught up in your fantasies that you don't realize his hands left your body. With his pants pushed down around his thighs, he’s kneeling in front of you, slowly stroking his hard cock.

He lays down on top of you, his cock pinned between your bodies, and he grabs your hair and holds your head tight. “Beg me for it,” he sneers, roughly pushing your legs farther apart.

“I need you, sir,” you whimper, lust and need coating your voice with desperation. “I need you to fill me. I need you to fuck me into oblivion, sir.”

“I don't think you've earned anything yet,” he chuffs. “I want to hear you beg like a good girl.”

“Please baby!” you beg, staring at him, your face full of lust. “Please baby, please sir, fuck me. Fuck your little slut, I need it so bad.”

“Oh do you?” he asks, kneeling back up to take off his shirt.

“Yes!” Your eyes are locked on him, watching him undo every button on his shirt agonizingly slow.

“You think you deserve my cock?” he teases, sliding his shirt off his shoulders.

“Please, yes, sir I do,” you pant. Instinctively, you start to play with your own nipples, teasing them between your fingers as you watch him bend down to remove his shoes.

“Hands off!” he barks when he sees what you’re doing. “Those belong to me. Your whole body belongs to me. You belong to me. Did I say you could touch my slut?”

“No, I'm sorry,” you sigh.

He leans over and grabs your neck again, squeezing again, not as hard as before. “Sorry?”

“Sir,” you struggle to say. “I’m sorry, sir.”

He smirks and releases his grip. He drops his weight onto you, letting the tip of his dick graze at the entrance of your sopping wet lips. He slowly slides it up and over your clit a few times, teasing you. You try to thrust your hips forward to bring him into you, but he pulls back. “Say please,” he whispers in your ear, pushing forward just a fraction of an inch so that you can feel the very tip of his head in you.

“Oh shit,” you moan. “Please, please, please, sir, please fuck me! Please, plea–" You choke on you words as he finally drives his cock into you with the precision of a well-oiled piston. The feeling of his dick finally fucking you, the sound and feeling of his balls slapping into your ass made every nerve in your body come alive. He reaches his arm up and over you, grabbing both of your wrists and holding them with one hand, never disturbing his stroke, pinning your arms above your head as he continues to fuck you senseless.

“You’re being such a good girl now,” he groans. “My good little slut.”

Suddenly he stops, pulls out, and flips you over, pulling you up on your knees. You’re breathing hard, eagerly waiting for him to continue his pounding. He grabs your ass cheeks and plunges back into your depths, fucking you without caution. Fucking you relentlessly, like he can’t get enough. You start to scream through gritted teeth. You can’t help it anymore. "Shit! Oh my God. Yes! That's it baby. Oh fuck!”

Never pausing, Roger leans over you and grabs a handful of your hair, yanking your head back. While his left hand holds you in place by your hair, his right hand comes in front of you and holds you by your throat, and he pulls you further onto his dick. Holding you there, grinding into you, fucking you with long, slow, torturous strokes, forcing you to feel every since inch of his dick.

"Oh God, Roger… sir. I'm gonna cum,” you groan as your body starts to tense up.

“Scream my name when you cum,” he whispers in your ear. “Do you hear me? When you cum all over my dick you better scream my fucking name. And scream it like you mean it. Like it's the last word that will ever cross your lips. Do you fucking hear me?”

“Oh my God, yes, sir,” you coo.

It’s too much. Your breathing is rapid and shallow, your mouth hangs open, eyes rolling, your walls contracting on his cock like a vise. He feels the intensity of his own orgasm building up. His pace quickens and he let go of his grip on your throat, placing that hand on your waist, pulling you hard against him as he thrust upward into you. He’s groaning loudly, his breathing short and ragged. You try to scream but no sound escapes. The headboard bangs into the wall loudly as you both reach that pinnacle together. He thrusts a few more times into you hard and fast, holding still at the deepest point as your juices mix together. You collapse onto bed in a tangled, sweaty heap, laying there completely spent.

“That was fucking amazing, baby,” he says breathily. You giggle, watching Roger jump up and disappear into the bathroom. You hear the shower come on and he reappears in the doorway. "Care to join me for a shower?" You bite your bottom lip and slowly get up, legs still wobbly.

[adrienaline-rushed-art]

(For the character ask) Adrien Agreste!!

YOU CHOSE MY SON! you’d better prepare your noodles because I’ve got a lot to gush about my favorite boy

Why I like them: From the beginning, he was my very favorite character because he was a weird combination of someone I was close to as well as myself. Although, over time it’s been more and more about relating to him as opposed to seeing someone else in him. At the time that he first became a reminder of someone special, he got me out of a depressive state, and continues to do so!

I love what a genuinely good listener he is. He’s very considerate and respectful, he puts others before himself— though, Ladybug can tell you why that is also a flaw. 

I like to think about the scenes in Horrificator when his classmates kept fighting, but he— one of the leads —didn’t make any input to take sides. Not even for Nino, his best friend! But he did look really upset to see his friends arguing

He’s also very forgiving and patient, I mean… as annoying as Lila can be, he actually tries to understand and help her. And what he said in onichan is implied to be correct based on the beginning of the episode.

He got it on the head, and not only for the sake of excusing bad behavior, he can relate. He knows he’s gone out of line because of his loneliness and abandonment issues. He excused Lila for the same reason in season 1

Defending Lila for lying about her relationship with Ladybug (See ‘Copycat’) 

He definitely understands what’s bad behavior (as opposed to Lila and Chloe, he does remain selfless and kind) and when he doesn’t he gets to use this sympathy as an opportunity for learning. But he also knows a cry for help when he sees one, he doesn’t want anyone to feel the way he does. 

The only real downside is it makes him a doormat for Lila, Chloe, and most importantly his father. But he’s learning and I’m so happy for him. 

he’ll accept a rough relationship for the sake of helping you be better through kindness until it hurts his loved-ones, where he absolutely has to cut you off. That’s one thing he doesn’t relate to or believe in. When he knows he messed up and hurt someone, he didn’t mean it, so he apologizes. 

But you can see in his face that he doesn’t feel good doing it, because although it doesn’t excuse toxicity, he knows that the person’s pain is why they act that way. 

It’s still for his friends more than himself, but I’ll take it for now. The biggest flaw he has is also one of his sweetest traits, believing in the best out of everyone. He’s at least learning that you can’t always assume someone doesn’t mean any harm.

Also:

fcKing suPERB adrien

I also like his sensitivity. He isn’t trying to be the cool and mysterious type, he’s emotional, passionate, and caring. This vulnerability can also be his downfall at times, but he carries his weight and makes himself responsible for his mistakes, so he’s an excellent example to kids. He’s a good boy in a world of romanticized “bad boys”.

Favorite episode (scene if movie): I can’t really say, I’m bad at choosing favorites. Really any scene he’s in— especially as Chat Noir —immediately makes me happy. Scenes of his that are sad or frustrating don’t make me happy in the sense that I like what’s happening, but the rush of emotions I get when I get to watch him interact with other characters and just be.. him… brings a certain type of joy? The fact that when he’s sad, I’m really sad… I don’t know, it’s a nice feeling. Don’t @ me but 2 years ago in my baby project, I named the baby Adrien, because I’ve adopted him and he is my son.

I guess I really like him in riposte? He was very soft in that episode, he was all giggly and blushy. Also, Gigantitan, Chris Master, and Sapotis? He’s so good with kids! Chat Noir got a lot of lines in Silencer (hA) and I thoroughly enjoyed that, he was such a dork. Weredad was just a masterpiece, we got to explore his thoughts toward Marinette too so that was cool. So it really comes down to any episode that he shines the brightest, the more screen time and dialogue the better. I WANT to learn MORE about him.

None of these are favorite episodes of all time I don’t think? It’s just my favorite moments for him I guess. Gigantitan might be a good example for an episode that fits on both lists, though. We saw a lot of different sides to him. We got to see Marinette comfort Chat Noir when he finally admitted his heartache, he finally admitted his frustrations with Gabriel to Nathalie (although she would have known without him saying), and I actually liked seeing Chat Noir’s petty side directed to Ladybug. No, I didn’t like that he was being unfair, but everyone has this type of moment in their life because we’re human, which is why it was SO great to see him like this.

He’s messing up? Fantastic! And it was so intriguing to see how he behaved when he finally snaps, particularly toward Ladybug. We hadn’t seen him lash out toward a friend— let alone a romantic interest —at this point. He really needed to unleash those emotions, and I’m glad he didn’t keep them bottled up any longer. He was having a garbage day to begin with, I wouldn’t be able to stand watching him brush it off.

It wasn’t fair to Ladybug, but it was perfectly fair to himself. Ladybug said she couldn’t hang out because she was with friends, sure! From his perspective, what does that look like? Well, we got to understand it thanks to this episode. Think to what happens to him later in the episode, he’s unable to spend time with his friends. There might be a tinge of jealousy toward that. Or maybe it’s that the phrasing made it sound like Chat Noir wasn’t a friend, which adds up to his relief at the end of the episode when Ladybug calls him a best friend. But also, the excuse wasn’t satisfying to him because clearly, he had intended to put both friends and Ladybug in his schedule, why couldn’t she do the same? I’m not saying this is logical thinking, but it’s interesting to step back and realize that it’s entirely likely he thought this way. And it all makes sense that he cherishes being with her more than any romantic future with her, because the fact he didn’t get angry when he heard about her “boy”, but he did when it came to her friends.

And, a little Ladybug appreciation, she didn’t invalidate those feelings. He’s not allowed to act up and ruin an akuma fight, but he is allowed to feel that way. I mean, it was a little mean to suggest fake dating right after brushing off a real one. But he realized how inappropriate the timing was, and apologized for it. And taking his humility a step further, he went with Ladybug’s original (arguably tortuous) plan, and disciplined himself during it. He didn’t try to take advantage and get all smoochie and cuddly on her. He offered his hand, but she’s the one who came to him and kissed him on the cheek. He let her create the boundaries. Later, he kissed her on the cheek for the first time.

Anyway sorry for that entire essay, but as you can tell I really loved that episode front and back.

Favorite season/movie: I think since we only have two and a half seasons, I can only say season 2 for now. I say season 2 because it’s where we first uncover more of Adrichat, not only to ourselves but to Marinette. He’s been really cute in S3 so far though, so my opinion could always change.

Favorite line: Any of his laughs. Ok fine, an actual line… uhh.. you know what, he’s said a lot of very profound and sweet things… so how about something stupid and random 

“Wanna hear a secret? I love chouquettes.” You sure do, you little dork. 

Favorite outfit: That purple/maroonish and green one on one of his magazine covers. 

OTP: Marichat, always. Ladynoir close second. If we’re talking outside of canon, probs Alyadrien. 

Brotp: Nino, obviously, they’re phenomenal. 

Head Canon: Maybe this is less of a headcanon, and more of an excuse for the writing.. but I don’t think Adrien is that oblivious. But as someone who’s forgiving, it would make sense that he also doesn’t assume things that could hurt them. For one, he denies Marinette likes him simply because she seems to have implied she doesn’t. He takes her word for it. 

Notice that almost every time it comes up, it’s not denying his own feelings, and he’s not even denying the “signs”. He just doesn’t want to put words in her mouth or ruin their friendship by jumping to conclusions that could put distance between them. It makes sense that he would want to protect their friendship because of how they met. 

Unpopular opinion Adrien is not a mary sue. First, I’ve already mentioned plenty of flaws in this post. Having no flaws is one side of a mary sue, the other side is being overpowered. So what if he’s in a bunch of clubs and has essentially mastered all of them. Stress on essentially, so far we know he can play one(1) classical piece on the piano and he messed up on it (it was a small mistake because of skipping practice, but a True™ mary sue wouldn’t have). Also… I’m sure he’s fluent in Chinese and Japanese, but he could be pronouncing better. Actually, that’s unfair, the French dub did pretty well for Japanese pronunciation and everyone knows French is more canon. I don’t know enough about Chinese to judge his pronunciation of it. We don’t know much about his sports except that he’s good at them, but we know Kagami kicks his ass at fencing apparently, so still not overpowered. Anyhow, these are just talents and skills. Not only can anyone learn them with effort (because he isn’t a prodigy at any of them), but it’s realistic that the famous model son of the strict CEO and founder to the prestigious fashion company Gabriel would be forced to have a full tool belt. Not to mention he’s a model in the acting business (Animaestro) actors legit have to know how to do EVERYTHing to even compete with others. None of the above has to do with power though.

  If anything, he’s underpowered. He’s not treated very well for a teammate who isn’t a sidekick. Often his intellect, wisdom, rationale, skills, and agility have been compromised for the sake of making ✦Ladybug✦ look good. Which, is sort of counter-intuitive if you think about it. We know this from the inconsistencies between episodes. One episode he’s decoding morse, giving Ladybug advice, making detailed plans, or showing off his expert-level martial arts… the next he’s… accidentally grabbing an ice cream cone while Cataclysm is activated? hmmm. ALso, as stated before, Adrien’s intelligence is suppressed for the advancement of the plot.

A wish: I want more Ladynoir discussions outside of akuma battles. Regarding things like the Dark Cupid kiss.. there are a lot of things I want them to straighten out and grow on. 

And, I think this is going to happen anyhow… but like,,, he needs to find out about the scarf, I’m sorry. I know it’ll be bittersweet but,,ghhhgk

An oh-god-please-dont-ever-happen: *INHALES* pleASe, Emilie, be a good person!! ALSo, NO FIGHTS WITH NINO. EVER. 

5 words to best describe them: Patient, dorky, loving, childlike (not childish), brave

My nickname for them: heeheh, it’s my blog name title, Paw Prince.

I wrote you a whole book, my bad. I don’t regret it though. Now you know why it took me so long to answer.