#it destroyed me and I'm not even done
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#sobbing reading the end of through eerie chaos#I know I'm late but GOD#it destroyed me and I'm not even done
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("Always. Continuously. With increasing apprehension, and decreasing hope. I will love you if I never see you again, and I will love you if I see you every Tuesday. I will love you as a corpse loves the beak of the vulture. I will love you no matter what happens to you, and no matter how I discover what happens to you, and no matter what happens to me as I discover this." -- paraphrased from The Beatrice Letters, Lemony Snicket)
#svsss#bingqiu#luo binghe#shen qingqiu#lbh#sqq#i've been working through the series of unfortunate events and somehow that series has paired really nicely with svsss#the themes of cycling violence and what's justified and what isn't and what can possibly be done differently#and how trying to bring love and honour into the midst of it really changes nothing but also changes everything#it's just *chef's kiss*#i don't know how i can quite do my thoughts justice but i've spent the past few weeks quietly going between the two series (and mdzs and tg#as well if we're being honest they all hit similar questions and themes) and just reveling in the pain and ambiguity of it#everything is interconnected and it means you can never know what trauma and pain and necessity has shaped a person#each story goes too far back to ever ever EVER possibly see the full extent of it#at that level even communication itself is nearly impossible.#and because of that it's almost impossible to change anything. beat yourself apart and the outcome is the same#and yet ATTEMPTING to change things ATTEMPTING to do the kind thing the honourable thing is absolutely critical#because while you can change nothing you also have the capacity to change EVERYTHING#aaaaaaah i don't even know what i'm saying#but i read the beatrice letters today and the love letter just. killed me.#(obviously i cherrypicked some lines because it's three pages long but those ones felt right)#''i love you like a corpse loves a vulture's beak'' i just. can't get over that line.#to be completely changed. altered. destroyed. redeemed. purified. desecrated. reduced to nothing yet entirely necessary for another's life.#what a FUCKING line#anyway i was either going to blow up from thinking about it or else i had to exorcise it via art from an entirely different series#i've already done svsss and discworld why not throw a series of unfortunate events into the mix#i'll be honest folks i did not expect svsss to be the mxtx series that would fuck me up the most about the main ship#bingqiu is something else. i don't even know how to begin to approach my feelings on it. impossibility and necessity all at once#bizarre#my art
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An Unsexy Post About Censorship
Sooo...gumroad is shutting down NSFW content sales because of Stripe and Paypal. This is also why Wishtender has been down as well, if you weren't aware. And why Patreon is also cracking down on anything remotely kinky.
(If you're wondering why your favorite FICTIONAL sexual content isn't allowed on most platforms, it's payment processors.)
Please be extra kind to anyone who works with NSFW content right now, whether it be art, writing, audio, photos or video. Whether it be tasteful erotica, or the kinkiest BDSM porn you can think of, we're all in the crosshairs right now.
And, judging by trends from these past few years, this is only going to get worse.
Support NSFW creators where you can, whether by tipping or buying our content (where you still can) or just helping boost content on sites where algorithms want to drown us out.
Call representatives where you can and complain about payment processors acting as arbiters of what YOU are and aren't allowed to pay for and enjoy.
This may be about porn right now, but censorship of this caliber doesn't just stop with porn. Any transgressive (read: non-conservative) media is fair game.
Fight against it where you can. Support creators where you can.
Art is important. Reflections of our sexuality are important. We don't want a world where people aren't free to make or see the things they love and enjoy.
#nyxrambles#Warning: I'm going to get kind of grim in the tags so peace out of you have to.#This bums me out so fucking hard!#I have artist friends who are struggling because their content suddenly goes against these stupid fucking guidelines!#I'm going to have to take my stuff off of Gumroad even though it was previously allowed!#It's hard to not feel like everything is just spiraling toward fascism sometimes yanno?#I am usually opposed to slippery slope arguments but the goal of moral conservativism is to destroy everything that isn't in line with it.#They will not stop until the world reflects their narrow ideals. Like...that's the whole point of it!#Sorry guys I'm just having a rough one.#Between this and being sick for months I'm getting pretty fucking Done.#I'll be okay but I'm not going to pretend it isn't hard and scary.
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The one thing I don't understand about the theory where Piltover and Zaun are teaming up to fight Noxus in the end, is why are Vi and Ekko flying towards Jinx's supposed airship if they're on the same team? Why does Vi NEED to confront Jinx in the middle of a warzone?
We see Ekko in garb that looks like he's on Jinx's side, but we mostly see him with the Firelights in those scenes, and they not decorated in Jinx's colors. Even minor background characters that are on Jinx/Sevika's side have a pink X on the right side of their chest. The Firelights are completely free of any graffiti or markers that would identify them with Jinx, and Vi is in an enforcer uniform. We don't see any other Zaunites in the crowd, but for some reason Vi and Ekko are centering their concentration on Jinx.
I think what's happening is that Ambessa's forces are fighting against Piltover's enforcers, but Jinx isn't helping, she's taking advantage of the chaos. Jinx is probably in Piltover to do something big that Piltover can't defend against since they're preoccupied with Noxus. Jinx will probably think the fight between Noxus and Piltover is the best opportunity to kill two birds with one stone. Vi and Ekko will probably object, they'll say her plan goes too far, and it'll get people killed. The whole scenario will probably be a more extreme mirror to whatever the Silco flashback will reveal about what went down on the Day of Ash and why Vander tried to kill Silco, except this time with magic.
#arcane#arcane meta#jinx arcane#vi arcane#ekko arcane#i know everyone's having a great time dissecting the trailer but the trailer for s1 wasn’t even that vague to begin with#sure you couldn't guess the WHOLE plot but me as a non league person could see#“red head has beef with eye dude”#“rich people either oblivious or super mad about poor people doing stuff”#“magic stuff is happening”#is the s2 trailer really any different?#also christian linke keeps hammering that the show is about if you can forgive a sibling that's a monster#and he's not that subtle when he's implying that the “monster” is silco and jinx in the metaphor (probably viktor too)#but what has jinx done so far that’s really THAT monstrous for her to stand distinct from the oppression of piltover#i think the show's gonna have jinx contemplate what it means to be lionized and valued by the general population#meanwhile Caitlyn's gonna do a lot of messed up stuff as means of asserting control over the situation and keeping piltover “safe”#caitlyn will probably REALLY cross the line and it'll involve jinx#cait will reavaluate her morals and break off from ambessa and jinx will be like “I'm gonna show you what a war arc is”#and move into Viktor's cult for a power up before leaving to destroy piltover and noxus#and also ekko's character description say he and heimerdinger will save zaun#so what's the magical problem that they build a magical solution for? ...it's jinx
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I can't wait for this to come back!!! >>> when is this coming back?
#seriously there has been such an uptick recently in people asking me about my hiatus#I KEPT GETTING SICK#FOR NO REASON#BECAUSE OF OVERWORK...#like literally without exaggeration once a month minimum knocked flat on my ass for multiple days#and mysteriously since being on hiatus hmmmm#it hasnt been happening hmmmmmm#almost like making LIKE 50 PAGES A MONTH#is a little too much work!#for anyone!#no amount of time saving texhniques makes that less work#and I'm trying to make it a satisfying conclusion#which takes more time#and I'm trying to write as much as possible before coming back#as much as webtoon will let me#because twice now ive had to write and produce episodes week to week#and it absolutely destroys the quality of the arc#in my opinion#it at least makes me less satisfied#and whats the fucking point of spending thousands of hours on something#if im being forced into a schedule that. when i get to the end. im not even satisfied with what ive done.#so seriously like please#I'm trying to be as transparent as i can possibly be without outright spoiling everything im writing#its good#it's fun#it will take time to be those things the rest of the way through#ive finished three episodes and I'm halfway through two more#i have 13 episodes thumbnailed#and i have 22 more episodes to write and thumbnail#because webtoon said i need to make it fit exactly into that space
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*screams into the void*
#the way he like seems to be choking back a sob of emotions before he says this#he can't bear the fact that he's causing her pain#and that there's nothing he can do to stop it#even though talking openly would help her but he can't do that#because if he does he would have to be vulnerable and if he's vulnerable aelswith might think him weak#which is something he knows she abhors (even though she hates it because of her own feelings of being seen as weak and unworthy)#and he can't bear her rejection because he loves her and if she were to reject him it would destroy him#he can be this open with uhtred because its a manipulation tactic#he's using vulnerability to get uhtred to do what he wants and thats why he can be so open in this scene. he's doing it strategically#but to be open with aelswith leaves him (in his mind) open to losing her since he's caused her so much pain throughout their marriage#and he would have to face the fact that he's done that and she might not forgive him and he can't do that#aelswith is so upset in this scene because she thinks its his final way of saying to her “you aren't worthy” when really its a tactic#to help ensure that she and their children will be safe#but they literally cannot properly communicate with each other because of all of the painful history between them#I'm going insane#I love them so much#they are everything to me#literally everything#he loves her so much#like he could not survive losing her - just the way he clings to her all throughout s3 speaks to that#I really think that because of the similarities between uhtred and aelswith uhtred's betrayal makes him start to fear that he could lose he#and he just starts to cling to her for reassurance that she'll never leave and she won't stop believing in him#ok I'm done#for now#I'm crying#your honor I love them#they mean so much to me
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it is so insane how something horribly traumatic will happen to you and you just have to go to work later because the bills don't stop and the debt doesn't go away !!
#one day I'm going to be cancer free and done with treatment. and I'll just have to go back to normal then#even though i feel like the last 10 months have destroyed me
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If you think of it, many of the people in this fandom keep proving Monoma right and making his character have so much sense- like guys, class 1-B is not the lesser class. They aren't weaker than class 1-A, the classes weren't assigned by strength or anything like that. The only difference between the two classes is that the fucking MC is in one of them, which automatically makes them the center of attention. If Midoriya got assigned to class 1-B then no one would fucking think they're lesser than class 1-A lol.
"How Hagakure/Mineta/whatever got in class 1-A?" girl the question is how they got in the hero course, not class 1-A (which is a talk for another post, not this one). Them being in class 1-A doesn't mean they're automatically stronger than everyone in class 1-B
#Like I'm so fucking SICK of everyone still acting like class 1-B is weaker than class 1-A which is NOT#The manga si nearly done so fucking grow already#Monoma is so right to throw shade at class 1-A like. They're good too. They deserve recognition too#Not class 1-B's fault no villain attacks them looool#I don't know if is something actually confirmed or not but I think half the students were put in class 1-A cuz that was Aizawa's class and#he could erase their quirks in case of something. Many quirks in class 1-A are lowkey dangerous if your control on them is shit#Todoroki? Bakugou? Aoyama? Kaminari? Midoriya? Tokoyami? Damn even Iida if you think of it. Ashido. Like someone needs to be able to#'restrain' them if something happens. I don't remember being any destructive quirk on class 1-B not on that lvl anyway. Not something that#Vlad King couldn't control on his own#So yeah. Get off your white horse and open your fucking eyes#Class 1-a = Class 1-b#Sorry guys but the fandom on TikTok is slowly killing me#Like I dropped the manga after the whole villain arc and I still know as much how is so hard to understand#And gosh don't get me started on people thinking Shinso got transferred from class 1-B to class 1-A DID WE WATCH THE SAME SHOW#His whole deal was him being in a general course??? And not having a flashy/strong quirk???? How the fuck would you expect him to be in a#heroic class when their exam was DESTROYING ROBOTS when his quirk is literally BRAINWASHING PEOPLE#He only joined that exercise between classes cuz at that point the school was scouting him for a transfer in the heroic course#And he joined both classes didn't he? He participated twice
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i've thought a lot about it and i have concluded that parents just shouldn't Be Like That about their kids doing sports, you know?
#this post brought to u by my inexplicable picking up of abby wambach's 2016 memoir#(who never even LOVED soccer btw?!?!?)#kids who grow up to view their bodies as transactional pawns and their pain & suffering as currency to buy love with#too many parents are too fucking intense about sports. please relax. god. that's a baby with an undeveloped brain be NICE to it!#yeah ur kid can love a sport. but you know what most of all?#most of all ur kid wants you. your love and your attention.#and what if ur kid DOESN'T love the sport they're just GOOD at it?#you need to reinforce that you will love your children even when they're not good at stuff so they don't end up committing their lives#to things they hate just to please you!#idk maybe we should just do something CRAZY like ban child athletics IDK i feel CRAZY about this!!!#i've just read too many stories about how parents ruin their child's life and destroy their sense of self with SPORT. ahhh!!!#i think all professional athletes are fucked up in an entirely preventable way!!!!#hear me out what if: if the sport cannot be performed past the age of 25-30 then it should be gutted and revamped#so that u can't START playing it professionally until that age!#and whatever it takes to make that feasible for 30+ SHOULD JUST BE DONE.#oh god i'm in a spiral about what we have been conditioned to expect athletes to do for our entertainment.#driveby post
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#i'm done i'm so fucking tired#i want to burn the internet to the ground#i want to destroy my computer chuck my phone into a river and go live in the middle of nowhere#no wifi no 4g no nothing#i want to die because we cannot fucking escape this shit#meta using my art to train ai and refusing my request to stop#my computer not being able to run glaze or nightshade or any of those ai poisoning thingies#spam emails and text messages and whatsapp messages and bots in the comments#and just EVERYTHING TRYING TO SELL ME THINGS WHILE ALSO STEALING WHAT'S ALREADY MINE#i hate it i hate it i can't fucking stand it anymore#and you'll be like ''then why don't you go offline then... nobody's making you have an instagram account''#and you'd be right... if it weren't for the fact that i chose the one fucking career that DEMANDS online presence#i already struggle to find work as an illustrator WITH social media and POSTING MY ART ONLINE#how the fuck would I do it if people don't see my art?!#and sure people have illustrated books way before the internet existed... sure... BUT IT DOESN'T WORK LIKE THAT ANYMORE#i'm so fucking angry and tired and frustrated that there's no way out of this#the internet is becoming unusable yet life demands it#my only option right now it to fuck myself and my beliefs and let companies steal my hardwork for the benefit of..?#having no notes in my posts except for the bots commenting ''see 👀my hole 🍑 daddy 💦 kitten 😻 ready 4 u 🤤 subscribe🔥 pay 💲 me''#i'm sick of this#i don't want to delete everything i ever posted online because A. at this point that's useless and B. again. how the fuck would i get work?#also even then... emailing my clients their finished illustrations goes through google drive or gmail...#do we think google is nice and doesn't steal images to train generative AI?#''talk to your representatives they need to make laws about this'' my fucking president is currently chumming it up with elon fucking musk#while people here are starving to death#we're literally going to freeze this winter because the genius goverment has fucked up our gas supply and that's used not only for heating#but for ELECTRICITY PRODUCTION#so we won't have a wat to heat our houses cook or even fucking SEE AT NIGHT#and you want me to ask them to make copyright laws?!#i want to die
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I do not know how it's possible to work for 6 fucking hours and still end up with more work than before at the end of the day every single day, but it astounds me
#every. fucking. day lately.#sorry i'm about to explode lol#been working all fucking day every single day and still i end up with more work than before every time????#it literally doesn't make sense#and the measly amount of work i can get done in 3 fucking hours makes me want to destroy something#i don't even have adhd lmao. it just takes a long time to do this kind of work#like i'm about to fucking scream actually
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Unfriendly reminder that Percy might have told Bob that he was a giant and given him the choice to keep going in full honesty — Annabeth herself gave that possibility as much consideration as the one about him manipulating Bob, and there's as much basis for Percy being too kind and forgiving as there is for him being calculating.
#PJO#hoo#Percy Jackson#Bob pjo#House of Hades#I'm gonna set this as a monthly reminder#''tell me one time op!'' when he spared Polyphemus TWICE. when he gave the fleece to Clarisse. when he saved Ethan.#literally THEE climax of pjo is him giving a chance to redeem himself to a guy who'd betrayed everyone and tried to destroy everything#and was currently struggling for control of his own body against an incredibly powerful genocidal titan#these are off the top of my head and more are complicated bc no one thinks it might be naive to trust your friends too much but he's done t#when he let Annabeth who'd been horrible to him so far to come along on his quest. when he encouraged Grover to go after Pan in botl.#when he went after Nico to protect him even though he thought he wanted to kill him.#when he used his wish to get forgiveness for the minor gods who's sided with Kronos to try to end human civilization.#when he spoke up for Hades who'd tried to kill him multiple times.
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i'm so fucking irritating with this but dear god I want to kill myself so bad. Day after day after day I am reminded of what I am and that I can't fix myself. It's getting worse again and everyday is getting harder to just live through. I don't even know why part of me still imagines things getting better, that people even still care, i'm an obsessive freak that deserves to be put down. Nobody cares if I don't show up the next say or ever again. I destroyed everything even in my attempts to preserve it. I don't do anything with my life, my cutting has gotten worse, I barely eat most days, I cry multiple times a day and cry myself to sleep many nights. I have nightmares literally just about what I experience every day. I layed down on the couch today and cried to myself how much I wanted to die. If I tell anyone this i'm just gonna get in trouble and not actually helped, because that's what happens every single time and no one's gonna believe me when I say there's something wrong with me. I'm trapped and there's no place to go other than hell. there's nothing anyone tumblr is gonna be able to do to help me but I literally have no one to tell. most shit just festers inside me and I can't even articulate what's happening in my head most of the time. even now
#it's tempting to say no one would get upset if I ended it#but let me be a realist for 0.2 seconds and say yes they would pity me#say oh I wish I had done more for them that they deserved better aww :(#and it just makes me PISSED#because nobody will do anything while i'm here! I have to take the most extreme act of my life to even HOPE people will care!#just like dangerous intersections nobody will do anything until someone dies#nothing will change unless I do this#I can't fix myself. I'm broken. I have no support system. I'm just a stupid child#nothing...nothing is ever gonna be fixed. I can't go back. I destroyed everything and it's gone forever#part of me wants to ensure I don't have a chance to survive#i'm only going to be hurt if I survive#my stupid mind imagines if I take this act then everyone I knew would care and want to be in my life again#you're so fucking stupid. they'll just see how insane you really are#I feel insane. I feel like i'm losing it. I don't recognize myself. I don't know if i'm even kira anymore#don't back out. don't survive. end that parasite's life#tw sui ideation#tw suicide#tw sh#tw self destruction#vent
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I am once again tagged by @radellama, thanks a bunch!
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Last Song: Song of the Ancients / Fate, by Keiichi Okabe
Currently Watching: Still Trigun (1998), I am unfortunately too busy to watch much else (Though I do sometimes think about how much I want to rewatch TGCF season 2....)
Three Ships: Xiao/Venti, Feng Xin/Mu Qing, Minamoto Kou/Mitsuba Sousuke
Favorite Color: Still cobalt!
Currently Consuming: Nothing at the moment, last thing was some chai tea. Now I'm thinking about grilled cheese again tho...
First Ship: Leo/Takumi from Fire Emblem: Fates
Relationship Status: Unfortunately, no
Last Movie: I genuinely don't remember... It was either Spirited Away or a combined Megamind/How to Train Your Dragon movie night
Currently Working On: A lot of my current angst is actually over the fact that I'm too deep in the schoolwork trenches to actually work on any of my own personal creative projects. But, my other project besides the Genshin Poetry Gala fic that I've been working on for months now is a TGCF essay about how the main couple are representative of the story's main themes. They make my brain explode <3
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Tagging: @hollyisanonymous, @rubberbandballqueen, @tempests-bards-and-birds, @sl33pyr3v3ri3, @stardustdiiving, @h4msanta
#tag game#I think I'm gonna just let tag game be its own tag now lol#I haven't actually been listening to much music for the past two days#I've been on more of a talking audio kick if anything at all#As for the ships aside from the obvious I ended up putting feng//qing because I cannot see myself writing hua//lian fic#Cuz the books have everything I need from them lmao#But for those two bozos? There's a reason why my roommate and I have spent hours talking about all the stupid gay shenanigans they could ha#And kou//tsuba is just because I caught up on js//hk recently and they are still destroying my heart (sob)#I can't wait until school is done so I can get back to being creative#That's what will fix me I'm not even joking lmaooo#Thanks for the tag these are always fun!! (even though it was a little similar to the last one with some of the prompts lolol)
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Mr ZSaku, what part of "April Fools" and "jokes" don't you understand? I know people who post this sort of meta-semi-forth-wall-break-brutally-honest-character-nonsense on Halloween and they're at least honest about it.
#zsakuva#I didn't watch the break up video because I knew it was going to upset me#because the jealousy one already did and I couldn't relate to the listener's actions and I was absolutely not in the mood to be yelled yet#because of something I never did/would never do#and here I thought it would be a joke - you know since it's April Bloody Fools - maybe it would be mean but at still a joke#but nope#it's also really funny how in the description he's like 'I'm glad there's discourse it means I caused you to feel things'#mate - we've been there - the 'controversial listener discourse' is not something you want - trust me - doesn't lead you anywhere good#I'm not really in the fandom but even I've seen it tangentially and yeps - been there done that#- it's exactly like with [redacted] and [redacted] and [information has been destroyed] and [information has been destroyed]
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having an anxiety attack over something i can't do anything about til tomorrow just isn't fair
i'm so fucking tired
#moosespeaks#i'm so done with feeling horrible 24/7#and it wasnt even my fault#i did everything i could i communicated i thought we were on the same page#then they pulled the rug out from under me#and destroyed my world#you always should worry about the person you're told not to worry about#fucking always#i just want to sleep but i can't even escape that way#and it's my fucking birthday in 10 minutes#i just want to die
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